#and i mean repression of all kinds
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the only way to be truly normal is to not be deeply repressed. the rest is golden.
#and i mean repression of all kinds#you can only fold pieces of yourself back so many times before you become a crumpled up mess unable to tell up from down#crumpled paper cant be cut but it cant be drawn or written on either#so the only way to be receptive to the world and to your purpose is to unfold your creases and learn to love each wrinkle and tear#apart of your full and unfettered self.#this is all to say#celebrities who do things that are a little gay (kissing their same gender costars) are literally the most normal ones.#except jared padalecki who is—in this case as in any other—an exception. because there is probably something deeply wrong with him.#but yeah shitty emotional advice with a punchline with raz#raspberry rambles#ignore mw
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in my heart of hearts mike wheeler is absolutely an athena kid but i also have to offer up a concept that i think has extreme comedic and dramatic potential aka: repressed gay teenager mike showing up at camp half blood unsure of who his godly parent is and feeling insecure about not having powers and one day when he’s making not-so-secret heart eyes at his best friend and son of apollo will byers is when a bunch of glowing floating hearts show up above his head. and that’s how mike gets claimed by none other than aphrodite, the goddess of love and sexuality, and is in full denial about it for three days because he thinks it’s some kind of sick and twisted JOKE
(on aphrodite’s end, she’s upset mike is throwing away the gift of true love and keeps trying to trick him out of repression by making more and more improbable and hilarious gifts appear when he and will are hanging out. mike hands will a book and it turns into a box of chocolates and he has to fling it away like a frisbee before will sees it. they’re having lunch and romantic music starts playing. she gives mike the same blessing she used to claim piper and will can’t even look in his direction for a full day because he starts blushing so hard. fifty bouquets of flowers show up at the apollo cabin’s doorstep with a note that says love, mike and by the end of it, mike isn’t even repressed and unsure about his sexuality anymore — he’s just trying to not throw himself into the bonfire out of sheer embarrassment)
#also shoutout to piper mclean bc i think her arc of not believing she is an aphrodite kid bc she doesn’t fit the model for it and having#been teased and made an outcast of sorts kind of jaded her and made her actively rebel against being an aphrodite kid#i just think that is very mike wheeler of her#n then she spends five books learning what love means and what being an aphrodite kid means#again. very mike. to Me#credits to abby bc i said ‘what if mike shows up at chb and he is repressed and gay and immediately gets claimed by iris the rainbow goddess#and she said i see this and raise you aphrodite#and i said oh my fucking god.#anyways might write this. (is opening a google doc)#but we will see.#again like in all actuality i think he is super an athena kid to Me anyway. although i think a pjo/st au is one that is very open to inter#*interpretation#i just think this hc has a little kick to it#before anyone gets MAD and says no that’s STUPID and he would totally be Blah Blah Blah. i don’t want to hear it#byler#mike wheeler#/astro posts#pjo
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love that we're brute-forcing Vandran/Relvin as a ship in this tiny-ass corner of the fandom, sincerely just
#I mean it's like.... they're very similar emotionally repressed working class dads who suck at emotions and are hurtfully distant#whose partners got sucked into these destructive cults seeking ruin using powers granted by this massive eldritch force#and then literally never talked about it ever bc it's a Whole Doozy and hurts quite a lot#and their children / children surrogate is offered the chance to make those same mistakes#and they're coming at it from different ends! Vandran has been just as offered and seduced by power as them all!#the being left vs. the running away. anyway anyway#SO funny that this is kind of a jokeship but you can do a lot with it if you wanted to commit and that's great. i think this is so funny.#Critical Role things
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the wesley academy timeline is so inconsistent and makes no sense AT ALL and i know this is star trek where everything is inconsistent all the time (ESPECIALLY for dear wessie) but it makes me so mad. personally.
#it’s kind of implied that he goes in as a sophomore and is a sophomore in the game/first duty#sidenote i thought it was confirmed he was the only sophomore on nova squad. with nick being like yeah we chose you#even though you were young. and like nick is a senior i always assumed jean was too and that jaxa and josh were juniors#but he has to repeat the year at the end of that. meaning he’d be there for 3 more yesrs#AND that’s late season 5 every season is about a year and in journeys end (late season 7) he’s about to gradute#SO IT DOESNT ADD UPP I KNOW IT DOESNT MATTER. BUT IT MATTERS. to ME!!!#and also final mission he would enter as a sophomore (the academic year had already started) but then he’s STILL one a year later in s5#AND IT DOESNT LINE UP AT ALL IF HE STARTS AS A FRESHMAN. because. it’s implied that his time on the enterprise means he’d skip a year#but he’s still obviously in his first year in the game and . NONE IF IT MAKES SENSEEE#if he started as a sophomore and his junior year was first duty that’s contradictory to him being the youngest on the team#IT DOESNT WORKKKK#because if jaxa was a senior. repressed senior year. she would graduate in season 6 AND IN LOWER DECKS SHES NEWLY GRADUATED ON HER FIRST PO#*post. WHATEVERRR IT DOESNT LINE UP. also you cannot tell me she’s a senior you can’t convince me#the fortitude it takes me to type all this up using freshmen sophomore junior and not 4/C 3/C 2/C. IM. STOPPINF MYSELF
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sad boy hours officially canceled, I am once again refusing to let it take hold and taking my happiness by force
#made of bit of a fool of myself again#but sometimes thats all you need to do to see that the stupid shit your head is telling you is wrong#I forget that happiness doesn't come easily to people like me and I need to kick myself in the ass every once in awhile#to actually go out and get it instead of sitting and stewing in the depression waiting for it to come to me#big thanks to everyone who has been kind to me#as a very quiet and emotionally repressed person it means more to me than I could ever express
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new child fragment emerged but this time we grounded and i think im getting a better picture of what seemingly minor things really traumatised me
#my posts#by seemingly minor of course i mean. the lifetime of being abandoned when in need and nobody ever showing me kindness#im just struggling to understand how i feel about it#boyfriend very rightly pointed out that its probably that im struggling to let myself be honest about how much it hurt me#and when he said that i wanted to cry and tell him everything about how i wish anybody had been kind and anybody had helped me#when i begged them for it. acted out for it. asked for it. just lay there#theres many such traumas#yesterday a specific repressed memory was trying to turn up but its definitely not an isolated event#in fact a few of my parts and several fragments are linked to assorted experiences being failed and ignored and abandoned#the consequence of a self sufficient kid i guess#a lot of my kids are bearing the burden of never being shown love or kindness and they all experience it in different ways#but the root cause is getting clearer. whoda thought it was the Entire Life#i just want to be picked up and held for once and not just left lying there unable to move#its ok. i pick myself up. and boyfriend will too when hes here#lets get muffins
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You know reading vol 5 of mdzs before all the rest (don't ask me why I'm a clown and there were Circumstances) has to be the craziest experience of my life. Because it took all of ten minutes of wwx talking to literally hit me so hard in the gut I had to sit down and listen to really loud music for a while to calm down.
Who needs therapy when mxtx is alive and writing, I guess????? 🤡
Can't wait to get to the actual tragic parts I just know I'm gonna be that "help" frog phone meme
#mdzs#i was really out here thinking svsss would be my fave bc of lbh#and then i finally get around to reading mdzs and it blows my expectations out of the fucking water holy actual shit#and i just had this feeling the first time i read parts of it like 'oh. this series is going to kill me. im not coming back from this.'#and here i am booboo the fool getting my clown ass make-up on#idk how to explain it like i just fucking LOVE mxtx's takes on arrogance#that wwx is constantly being perceived as a show off and an incorrigible flirt and a know it all#how wwx cant always help the ways he acts out the desperation that has embedded itself into his very bones#how wwx only ever wanted to do the right thing and that having been so much of his downfall#how his worth and talent would always be eclipsed by virtue of his circumstances#how he's above needing recognition at his core but at the same time longs for an ounce of good will and positive recognition ->#how human he is despite his brilliance. how he never gets it no matter how hard he tries to be worthy.#like to me wwx is emblematic of what it means to be poor/an immigrant in high places#always villified always alien always wrong always unwelcome#no matter how clever or capable or kind youll always be an eyesore because you don't 'act right'. not 'one of them.' you never will be.#i just...the way he just wanted it all to be over by the end. the way he didnt even want to come back to life. that he was sick of it all.#im rattling the bars of my cage i love him I LOVE HIM i love him#i understand you lan wangji (and i love lwj too)#and even lan wangji too like. the way so many of their issues in the beginning stems from that self-same problem#how lwj couldn't live with his out of control feelings how he too couldn't quite lay down his pride#how lwj was also trapped by the expectations of his clan in his own way how so much of their separation was a form of penance#that the calamity of wwx's loss forced him to reconsider everything he thought he knew about himself and his life#how he was left with nothing but regret. how when wwx returns--lwj refuses to leave anything to chance this time#he refuses to let wwx be alone anymore--refuses to let him hurt himself for the sake of others refuses to just let it all happen#even if it means overstepping a boundary or propriety it doesn't matter--as long as wwx stays with him. pride be damned#god i just can't i just can't do it im biting im ripping things apart GOD#will also say the jokes about lwj being like. 'strict moral compass or BUST.' and then wwx literally committing like 17 felonies in the bg#while lwj is like 'crimes? what crimes. nothing to see here.' NEVER stops being funny. like i was pissing myself laughing#i know its a known trope but by god are they hilarious about it#also. lan qiren how many times do your nephews have to go catatonic for you to stop with the catholic guilt and repression
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I love just abandoning Elden Ring playthroughs I'm just like "okay that's enough" and start a new game...I've been playing Elden Ring almost nonstop (with a little mass effect break) since I got it in November and it's now June. And I'm still like...hm I think I'm done with this strength/int endeavor I want to try blasphemous paladin again
#I just love roleplaying a sad paladin learning their oath is kind of shit#and trying but failing to abandon it and instead striking a balance where they redefine their oath for themselves#which isn't. *really* a paladin. In the DnD sense. There's Consequences to breaking an oath there isn't it? which is very fun actually#but this isn't DnD#me vs elden ring#I'm always captivated by the concept of what it means to have faith in the world of dark souls#where objectively factually the things you have faith in are failing/have failed and fallen#and the figures central to your religion turn out to be flawed and human#and yet at the same time miracles are tangible things and your faith allows you to heal and defend yourself and spread blessings#what is 'faith' in this scenario exactly? Faith in what?#I can never make a dumb faith build who just walks forward with entirely blind belief I always have to angst it a bit#in dark souls I always lean back towards it being faith *in* the miracles. The tales of the gods you recite to receive their blessing#or copy their abilities with lightning spear etc.#Elden Ring is especially funny of course because faith allows you all kinds of incantations. And I think the fact that you have all kinds o#incantations. MOST of which are kind of blasphemous and have nothing to do with the Erdtree itself#and yet you can cast them just the same as any other incantation#is an interesting concept to me. For a character to struggle with.#Alongside the whole 'Marika was the one who shattered the Elden Ring' thing.#I also like making devoted faith knights who swear oaths and are secretly really repressed gay boys.#what if I wielded a blasphemous blade of unholy flame and you wielded a sliver of a cold dark moon and we were both boys
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more monkey thoughts. Dont look at me im just trying to explain/figure out More reasons why they (moreso LEMH) make me go crazy (again)
OKAY Full disclosure. this was spurred by some posts ive seen floating around and they are Objectively correct and i agree with them, but the wordage they use is what bothers me and makes me think--its about the general and growing frustration and dismay over LEMH's portrayal and like... increased Importance in LMK, at the expense of like, literally all the other characters new and old.
Again, objectively that is INCREDIBLY true and i feel it 200%!!!! Its frustrating because they just yoinked aspects of SWK's relationships with characters like DBK from the original JTTW and Shoved them on LEMH like theyre Tropes that can be shifted around without consequence--it seems fine and interesting when you first watch LMK with no context or background knowledge, but after knowing what his ACTUAL deal was in the book, looking back on LMK makes what they are doing with LEMH feel lazy and Genuinely poorly researched, rather than an intentional divergence from the original story--because as a general rule of thumb, even if the fans dont Like what you changed, you still want the things in your story to be done On Purpose, like you at least Tried to put effort into it! Its about showing the audience that you think they deserve a narrative that was crafted with Care, not just slapped together and thrown out for a quick Hype/Cash grab, yk???
Anyway So THATS the thing, and thats all cool!!! My issue (and i cannot stress this enough this is Me being Silly and Obsessed with the Six Eared Macaque im a chronic blorbo haver there is no Cure) is that those posts Also tend to talk about LEMH as though... he is a boring character. As though he's just kind of "eh". Or at least thats how my Admittedly biased eyes read them--no beef! Its just gotten me to thinking and now i want to try to write out What im thinking and Why, bc thats a helpful thing to do when you're struggling to figure in your head, obvs obvs
And im of course willing to admit that Yes, in the original text, he is just kind of There! He serves his purpose (aiding in SWK's character development) and then he dies and he doesn't come back again! Hes kind of a metaphor but hes also just an annoying guy! Hes not presented as anything special! I get that that is what is Canon, and thats theres no way to really like... read anything deep into it. Bc theres literally nothing there.
But my problem is that i cannot let characters like that just Be. Especially if the premise of said character could be absolutely FASCINATING if you take it all Completely seriously and At face value--if you try to see whatever is going on for them through their eyes, their minds. Its like.... You can buy a shirt from the store as is, and some might be fine Wearing it as is--while other's might see that shirt and decide it needs a bit of hemming and perhaps some embroidery on the sleeves. Altering it does not change the fact that the original design is what it is--thats just One altered shirt that one person is wearing and perhaps lending to a friend or two, yk???
I love metaphors l. Sorry that dragged on, back to monkey--
To me? LEMH exists in a nebulous state of inevitable connection with SWK--because i like to take the "LEMH is SWK's ~dark side~" thing seriously. In my eyes, they are literally the same person, the same qi, split into two bodies.
There are stories that exist today that explore this idea, characters with this kind of relationship--and i find them incredibly compelling! Because i adore stories that play with the question of what makes a person a person. What seperates you from your maker/origins? What is your purpose in life when you are intrinsically connected to another person, at your very core? Does that mean you exist For them? Do they exist for you? How does thinking that way affect a person, mentally and emotionally? How does it affect these characters, specifically, in conjunction with their personalities and the lives theyd led up until the point they knew about this connection? Have they always known about this connection? Only one of them?
How much more drastic would it affect you if you were essentially a nobody--and the person you are connected to is a public figure? Like Sun Wukong?
Id go crazy. Id go fucking insane? Can you imagine. Its about the potential!!!!! The potential of what knowing something like that would do to someone!!! Im losing the words im apologize i need to calm down--im Not done yet.
What i am getting at here.... is that LEMH would likely work Best as a character who's metaphorical aspects are taken Very Literally--especially so if the story also decides to lean into the idea of his hearing reaching through to the past and future, in any way. He is a character that would thrive on being portrayed in a way that allows him to be a bit Meta, if that makes sense
Yes, you Could just let him be a silly monkey who decided to start shit with SWK for giggles one day--that can absolutely have its merits! But that does not satisfy me, and that is why i am so passionate about him. I want to take my little guy so so fucking seriously because i think it would be SO fucking cool. And a very useful and convenient way to explore ideas about relationships with The Self--since in my eyes, that is what his relationship would be with SWK.
AND ALL THIS STUFF ABSOLUTELY HAS ANOTHER SIDE TO IT, HOW IT ALL COULD AFFECT SWK ON HIS SIDE??? LIKE HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT i dont know if i want this post to be That long so i might stop here and come back later to talk abt it from SWKs side in a rb or something--
anyway point is. I thank LMK for introducing me to the Six Eared Macaque, but upon further analysis the way they did him is actually pretty garbo, and im biding my time for till someone introduces me to or Makes a version of him that takes him to his full potential. thats all thanks for coming to my TED talk, get out of my house please
#horse.txt#jttw#xiyouji#liu er mihou#six eared macaque#sun wukong#god this is missing so many smaller thoughts and ideas and shit but i have no idea where to squeeze them in.#theirs lots of stuff going on in my head but its a pain to organize#lemh needs to be a tragic angry antagonist who feels slighted by the world for being dealed the unfortunate hand he was dealt.#even if the fact that he doesn't have what he wants is still technically his fault. kind of like a petulant child but more drastic#and of course SWK having to come face to to face with all that and recon with how lemh doesn't just remind him of himself#in a way he literally IS himself--just with some parts switched around or more prominent than others#he could still kill him or not--theres lots of ways to play with that (personally im curious about the angle of it being a metaphor for sh)#(and/or repression of the self in the Bad way--at least for a short time--because that seems realistic in relation to the original meaning#of that chapter)#with sanzang trying to get him to be less violent and cruel to their adversaries because it is detrimental for his spiritual development#the fact that him Killing lemh (a part of himself) is the tipping point for him to be less murder-happy is very interesting to me#and i like to think that while it was good for him in the long run it may have had very negative and Painful immediate consequences as well#because becoming a better person by Any method is never a straightforward one and done path--backsliding and mistakes are inevitable#itd be nice to see more stuff on the side of the fandom ive been in that explores that more#especially since that was like... the whole point of jttw in the first place#so much for not making this post any longer WHOOPS
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i feel like every time i draw/write any interaction of Harry and Jean back in the old disco days it just turns weirdly shippy?? even if i particularly don't want it to turn out this way?? is that a sign or
#i mean it's not that i have a problem with this ship#i just see their relationship as this weird kind of platonic thing when you don't really have any commitments to others#so you do a lot of things that you'd normally do with a partner of yours together#like going to events or such#plus i feel like harry's really repressed about his sexuality#even before martinaise#and jean#well i think jean seems like someone who dates people sometimes but it never gets very serious#as he's not very interested in relationships#like#ugh it's complicated okay#jean and relationships are complicated i hope we all agree on this one#now this is a lot of thoughts for a one small silly post#shitpost
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man idgaf about what treville and richelieu have going on (mostly nothing) (they dont like each other but they work together a lot bc of their jobs.) (i guess treville holding onto a sense of honour whilst working with the cardinal is interesting but like that's not. thats not really those two having something interesting going on). lets talk about the king and the cardinal man.
#the way the king sometimes resents the cardinal's influence but is so easily manipulated to feel lost without it.#the fact that he'll openly acknowledge the cardinal wants him to rule unfairly and play favourites. with a fond look on his face#''i will disband their whole regiment if that's what it takes to make you happy. only please don't leave me alone'' with tears in his eyes#all of which was exactly what the cardinal was going for and he just gets away with it!#the queen finds out he was trying to have her Killed and she says yeah fuck you obvi but i wont tell the king tho bc he loves you ?#i'm not saying any of this is like romantic to be clear lol. it's just very interesting#i mean i dont think it can probably be categorised really. but im definitely not calling it that#it is super interesting though the way the cardinal needs to undermine the queen and place himself closer to the king to succeed in his aim#it would be somewhat appropriate for sure to say its kind of a parent-child relationship in some ways but that's definitely not all of it#in terms of the way the king relies on him and his guidance. but again thats not all of it and he's not a child. or not actually a child.#and i could say this about any of the relationships between men on the show but of course Because they're both men that means the#Possibility of it being anything but fully platonic is not something he can acknowledge and for that reason whether it is or Not there's#still going to be a level of repression and denial that just complicates things. even though/if theres not truly anything to deny#meanwhile honestly i think the cardinal is personally being normal about it even tho he's a freak about a lot of other things#i mean idk that was my impression. i am sorta-watching through s1 again so maybe i'll develop my ideas on that#anyway#me.txt#musketeers posting
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No see here’s the thing: can Morpheus be a good friend/lover/parent? Maybe. Can he let himself be? Not really.
#sorry i’m just thinking about how weird orpheus’s childhood must have been#i mean y’all saw how long it took him to call hob his friend#and when he needed to apologize to lucienne he barely did it. like. he just said she was right which is not the same thing#but that was like a Big Step for him lol#the sandman#this is why i have trouble with ship stuff involving him i think#he is just immensely unshippable to me because *gestures to all of him*#tom sturridge actually described him so well#when he talks about how dream holds the entire world’s collective unconscious and how that makes him incredibly incredibly empathetic#bc he feels it ALL but he needs his rules to hold it all together and keep it repressed bc can you imagine holding the#collective unconscious of the entire world all the time? which is why he is so rigid#but sandman kind of starts at this point when he starts bending. or changing. idk#tom sturridge said it better lol
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between the two versions of my akkayan (the original / mostly scrapped / chopped-up one & my newer one) ive written like 6k words now and i still havent gotten to the original reason i wanted to do this gods give me patience
#i will GET THERE#rowan chatter#i swapped POV and location and . actually most things because the truth is it's kind of hard to avoid#a bit of *angst* bc. i mean. its the eclipse#and coming out like this is a tricky topic#but that wasn't actually supposed to be the point. the mood is supposed to be cute and hopeful and loving#so i had to get rid of all of my wretched and miserable little akks in favor of a softer conversation and aye pov#which i didnt originally want to do because i didnt want to get him wrong ;u;#i know how to be a repressed little gay ive been one of those most of my life#me and akk pov get along very well which is probably why it gets so Maudlin So Fast lmao#aye is harder for me to do and i love him so much i didnt wanna fuck it up#sigh#akk is still a little bit wretched and miserable but its gentler. so its ok#im also spending a lot less words on it lol#dvd commentary
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every day i beat back the shame and self criticisms with a stick..
#shitboxposting#me when the emotional repression means i dont feel a lot. i feel insufficient#i admire emotional people because i could not be them. cant feel as much as they do and even if i could i wouldnt be able to handle it#at least im literally so fucking sexy though.#anwyays im gonna be going back to class not too long from now. cant wait for the extra stress to drive my mental health down#i think like. at this point im very much Myself. there is definitely a kind of person that i am. a lot of things connect with each other#trying to come to terms withthe fact that this is my life i am alive ive got one shot at it during this era of history and none other#was NOT born with the dinosaurs was NOT born in time to see all the future innovations. there are many wondrous things right here andnow#but i would love the possibilities.#it helps to imagine that i chose this era to live in. that there is something special that will happen in my life & maybe it wont be specia#in terms of history books but it will be special to me#lots in my mind tonight
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Soma's bushido summed up:
#muse: date soma.#That's one of Soma's canon quotes from 15 years ago btw... it's an embedded belief by present day#Naotora in his speech patterns: (flexible) want to. should [do x bc he feels it's a good idea].#Soma in his speech patterns: (rigid) have to. can't [do x bc it isn't smth that's allowed].#Not to say he doesn't /want/ to see a better world. He does. but the more idealistic version of him died over a decade ago#He wouldn't be pushed to keep going by just thinking that he 'wants' to do something or 'wants' to see something happen#what is 'want' in a society that represses individuality and calls for everyone to live for their nation/clan rather than themselves#'must' and 'have to' are firmer concepts that he can hold on to. it means there are /important/ things at stake if he doesn't follow thru#Ask Naotora what he wants and he's going to list off a hundred things as easily as he breathes#Ask Soma what he wants and he's going to stare at you like you've grown a second head bc wdym what he /wants/#Naotora is what he wants to be first and foremost. Soma is what he needs to be first and foremost.#It's why I'm so :') at his interactions w/ Seiroku bc he doesn't /have/ to be anything around him and that's a VERY novel feeling#Soma w/ his people: I'm their captain -> I must never show them weaknesses. I have to be an unshakeable stronghold#Soma w/ the grand generals: We're friends but also rivals -> I have to remain on my guard about their propositions & not show any weakness#Tsubasa's kind of an exception but EVEN W/ HER... Soma doesn't /fully/ let his guard down; altho it's mainly out of force of habit#He does trust her; and he does a lot of things she wants him to bc he has a soft spot for her & knows she doesn't mean him harm#but at the end of the day... ALL of the grand generals are competing against each other#there are only so many resources they can use (esp in this arc) and their duty; which comes first; is to ensure their own band's survival#so despite trusting Tsubasa; at the back of his mind he's prepared for the eventuality of her choosing the Tokugawa over their friendship#He cherishes his childhood friends but man is there a LOT of baggage and a very specific detachedness in his interactions w/ them#That for the better or for the worse aren't there (at least rn) in his interactions w/ Seiroku which allows Soma to Be Himself
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it's so difficult to articulate the feelings i get when i see my friends engaging in healthy and good behaviors like asking for emotional support and taking the time they need to arrive because i just can't and i know i'm wrong for it but it still feels incredibly isolating
#i ofc never show this externally because i know how to act like a person i know to show empathy etc etc#and when i say i'm wrong i mean that i recognize that it's my problem how i feel and it's caused by my own issues and#it's not something i would ever put on somebody else because as i said it's not their fault i'm too repressed to do anything#but still it feels so strange to see other people having many relationships and doing so many things and still being like :( i'm so lonely#or outwarldy saying they really want to talk and that they need support with something#or always being late#i support all of that!!!! but i also know i can't do that and when we discuss relationships i know i always relate to the bad people#in the story who are not open and who do things wrong and are not considerate enough and so on#there are these common expressions such as loneliness that have vastly different meanings for people and that difference not being expresse#externally really ever makes me feel insane because it makes me feel like other people apply their understandings to my experience#anyway this was inspired by me not having friends to do sports with and also feeling like an ed relapse could be on the way#but it's not like i can do anything to either of those things because first i would never force people to exercise if they don't want to#and my friends don't enjoy the same things as i do or at least not in the ways that i do and it would be difficult for me to ask them#and second it's not like anyone even knows anything and even if they knew what could they do. nothing#the kind of “aww remember to eat” thing just doesn't fuckign work for me i need to stab myself with something#two years of uni left two thesis to do but after that idk what's keeping me here there are things that i like and people i care about#but on the long run i'm just sad and will get more alone and lonely as time passes and people find their places in each others' lives#in between these episodes it's fine i like my space i like to do things alone it's exhausting to be with people all the time but yeah#shit talking
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