#and i need time to build those scripts so i can actually talk to them with any fucking coherency

[nexus-nebulae]

would've been nice to be warned about Meeting New Person before i committed to spending the entire weekend with New Person

[bethanysnow]

Breakeven.

Prt 1.

Bang Chan X Plus Size Reader. Fluff mild angst. Slow burn?

The news broke that V from BTS's stalker was apprehended. The fact that someone got so close sent shock waves through the major companies to up security. Guards for even the groups that didn't have a major following, it felt incredibly necessary. Keeping the artists behind closed doors like hamsters in wheels and a very colorful and elaborate cage. The studio Stray Kids though did the majority of their work for their latest mixtape was across the street from a cafe. The road was mainly foot traffic and standing there on the concrete pavement was a woman with a guitar.

A foreigner. As divisive as that word is in South Korea, that's what she was...singing in English songs from a while back. Breakeven by The Script, Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. This heartache verbalized in the cry of the street. She bowed quietly with the smallest smile if people tipped her, that's at least what Chan noticed from his tower. Yes, the great tower of the unmarked building in the middle of the city. No one knew he was there, nor what the building was. Everyone below him just too busy with their own day to notice. He was grateful for that, but he found himself wanting to be amongst the people. Be there, go grocery shopping, go to a cafe. Exist in the cosmos of the cosmopolitin. So, looking out of the window of the studio he watched this woman. Living vicariously through her. He could hear her if he tried really hard with the window open, but most of the time it was when he snuck into the building he could hear.

Felix was setting down his things in a chair before seeing his friend deep in thought, not moving a muscle, just looking out the window. Walking beside him the blonde followed his eyeline to the girl.

"You know you can go say hi-"

Chan jumped not noticing the new presence slamming his hand over his heart. "Ah!-oh, hi...I dunno what you're talking about..." Brushing the comment off. Felix just raised a brow.

"You stand here and what...stare at her? Man, that's creepy- you wear a mask and a hat and go over. Say Hello"

Chan just shrugged. That was the thing with Bang Chan. With his life experience, the thing he never wanted was to be hurt like he was in the past. To suffer again the things he did getting here. There of course are other things, but when you are in this life it's far easier to make up stories about the driver, the barista, or grocery delivery person? Then to actually...know them. For then they could leave and you would be left alone. Parasocial relationships go both ways remember? So Chan for the first time in a while has had the time to look at the same girl and imagine. Imagine her life, why was she in Korea? Why did she always sing sad songs? Maybe she was a student and this is how she made extra money, or was stranded here and needed to find funds for a plane back home. Or just she liked singing.

So many questions and thoughts and contemplations on the idea of a person, a person he didn't know. While he and Felix went actually into the studio to work he couldn't get her off his mind.

~~

Y/n though was very busy at work. It was hard to get people to notice you when you're in a larger body. At least notice you for the right reasons, notice the voice, the talent (as if). Southeast Asia had the beauty standard of a pin and people paid millions of dollars to fit it. The clothes, the almost infantilization of women? 'Cutesy' shit that made her skin crawl, she could dress like an idol, speak the language fluently, get her hair done at those fancy salons that give you tea; wouldn't be enough. So Y/n decided not to participate. She would sing, play guitar, and let that be the reason she was content. Be understood and heard through music. A couple months out of the year she visited a cousin who lived in Busan for work. Taking a week or so to visit Seoul it was her mission to live. Experience everything she could. That included what she normally did back home, just...here. Where Y/n would sing in front of a Starbucks or a dunkin, or dutch bros really whatever mall adjacent location would allow her to get a set in. Finding a cafe who agreed to let her perform on their property she set up. She just knew this wasn't a hot spot for tourism so felt comfortable in her ignorance if someone made comments she wouldn't super be able to understand them.

So she sang. Song after song not noticing at all the peering eyes from the man a floor above her.

Where Chris was watching. Dreaming of what she sounded like when she laughed, if she had a boyfriend or if he really should say hi to her...fate would have to decide as the rest of 3racha filed into the studio.

And so.....fate did decide.

~too be continued

[latenightdecaf]

There are just so many things that don't sit right with that ep 14. (And I won't be able to do my work today if I don't write it down.)

Honestly, I've been enjoying this drama because of its fast pacing and the way it resolves things fast and as clean as they can. I didn't mind the inconsistencies to be honest, and some gaps in history

like why the fuck was haraboji's gf, so mad in the first place anyway?? like yes she went to prison, had a son, left that son and worked for haraboji and then??

the 1031 baby miscarriage was fine not to be addressed (unfortunately, I can forgive that - given that I have friend who went through the same thing and honestly did not really confront or grieved that with her husband either - they never moved on, but never talked about it either, so fine - we move forward.)

But honestly, this episode is just different than the rest in an unsettling way.

First, the scenes were cut so weirdly... like honestly, what do they want us all to feel here? They had the most beautiful confrontation about life, yes they walked to the hotel without looking at each other. Yes, Hae In stayed true to her character not wanting other girls to look at Hyun Woo. But honestly, that shit felt shallow and her charcter could've been more. They could've walked into a restaurant after fighting, with Hyun Woo just holding her wrist and her noticing the small ways this unbelievable man takes care of her even when he's mad - opening the door, ordering her food, idk, slicing it for her. It could've been slow, it could've been realizing that he had wrinkles now, that he looked tired, that he was having a hard time too - realizing that she wanted to live and be loved by this man no matter what. That if given a chance, even as stranger she'd still surely fall in love all over again. Her as the stranger, NOT those girls who was just prying. They could've twisted that up in a melo way. (But of course, we needed the romcom so of course.)

I could not even begin to point out how weird that car accident was. As viewer, I already know she's not inside... I know that moment was needed but again for Hae In to somehow magically realize she wanted that surgery but that's just torture by now. After everything they've gone through in Yongduri, she already knows how loved she was. Things could've slowed down a bit. And I'm sure Kim Ji Won would've executed that brilliantly (hello, my liberation notes). Idk, Hae In could've had more stronger reasons to live, or that case could've been built differently. Hae In is not shallow but they made her that way and yes, by the time she'd be regaining or building her connection back to Hyun Woo that script will be back again not wanting anyone else to have him. (ugh, Hae In :( I need more!!)

Third of course, Eunseong - so far his character just became so predictable that it totally put me off. Honestly thought (based on the preview without any actual context, that Hae In would be in the car accident with Eun Seong and then he dies to save her so he can finally be someone who actually saved Hae In) but yeah. He came in so conveniently in the hospital that no one even bother to ask why this stranger is now the legal guardian of Hae In like come on. (I know it's kdrama but come on that was WAY TOO CONVENIENT)

And lastly, that fucking surgery. Every single build up, every single suspense gone. She woke up after 5-10 mins inside the drama not even a bandage to her head!! They've could've dragged that a bit, not make her wake up too soon. Mess with us up some more, have the doctors come in, tell them "these things take time". Make Eunseong nervous! But no, she had to wake up immediately. Like come on!! It could've messed with everyone if that was dragged a bit more to the next episode. They could've deported back Hyun Woo to Seoul while Hae In is still unconscious with the devil by her side. We could've been at the edge of our seats if suspense was all they needed and now it just felt too rushed and too much by now. And then, Hae In will be back in Seoul like nothing happened with her (physically) and then she's with Eun Seong now. Ugh.

But despite it all, I'm thankful for this drama. I'm still going to be there next week to see this through. Honestly, what a world-class acting from Kim Soo Hyun and Kim Ji Won.

I'm just wrapping up my thoughts so I can finally go on with my day.

Thank you all for coming to my TED talk.

[changingplumbob]

Foster Household: Chapter 8, Part 6

Carson continues his appointment after which he and Kayleigh meet up with friends for dinner.

Low level content warning: discussions of anxiety disorder

Carson: I guess... the asthma has been harder than I thought

Dr H: How so

Carson: Well it seemed to just come out of nowhere. I’ve got this inhaler for asthma attacks but I don’t think I’ve had one yet. I still keep it on me, just in case. I get worried about what could set it off

Dr H: And how do you cope with that worry

Carson: Not well I guess. But I can look after myself. I have a whole cleaning routine for my room to keep it dust free

Dr H: Tell me about that

Carson begins to explain the process he does to clean his room, when he wakes up and after dinner, just to be safe.

Dr H: Can I ask, what would happen if you didn’t do this

Carson: Well there’d be dust and it would make me have an asthma attack which would probably hurt a lot if it didn’t kill me

Dr H: Okay. Now when you’re outside of your room, how do you feel about the asthma triggers then

Carson: Home isn’t too bad, mum makes sure it’s vacuumed for me. And most of the places at school are okay, at least first thing. Mrs Tinker, my teacher, told me that cleaners come every night at 6. They wipe everything down and vacuum. But by the end of the school day I get worried about the dead skin in the air though. Like how much will actually end up in my lungs

The conversation continues with Dr Hanks asking more about Carson’s routines and his worries. Kayleigh sits through as best she can, trying only to say things when she’s asked, or if Carson looks to her for support. She’s a bit shocked to learn how much he actually does to try avoid asthma attacks, not all of them logical choices. All her kids have tended to be academically gifted so when she hears Carson is doing things that would have no actual impact on an asthma attack she does wonder where the behaviour has come from.

Dr H: Thanks for sharing all of that Carson. I know it’s not easy to talk to a stranger about inner thoughts

Carson: It’s tough. I just… I guess I don’t want to be worried about asthma attacks all the time

Dr H: Based on today it does appear that you have developed an anxiety disorder. In particular I believe you may have OCD. Do you know what that is?

Carson: It’s like when you need everything to be neat?

Dr H: For some. Those with OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, often find themselves developing obsessions or compulsions which they use to manage their anxiety. While it may work in the short term, it’s not healthy in the long term

Carson: So I’m broken

Kayleigh: He didn’t say that honey

Dr H: I don’t think you’re broken. I think you just need some extra help, we all need extra help from time to time

Carson: Can you get rid of it

Dr H: Psychological conditions are complex. They’re not like a tumour which can be cut out. What we need to do instead is work on strategies which will help you cope with the anxiety in a safer way that does not interfere with your life as much, so that you can enjoy life. We have a few options to help. One, which I would highly recommend, is going to therapy

Dr H: Talking through the anxieties can often help minimise the danger they present, and lesson the compulsions. However if your mood is already off balance I would suggest also starting on some medication to get you in a better headspace before starting therapy. How does that sound

Carson: Yeah, I mean… if it’ll help

Dr H: Now these medications can have side effects, and will take time to build up. Your medical insurance should help with the cost of them though

Kayleigh: Cost doesn’t matter, whatever he needs

Dr H: *smiles* I shall refer you to a therapist then, and send a script to the pharmacy for you to collect. We should meet up again after you’ve done that for a while to see how it’s affecting you. Does that sound okay Carson?

Carson: Do I… do I need to tell people

Dr H: Entirely up to you, perhaps it’s one of the first things you could discuss with the therapist. Do you have any other questions for me

Carson: Mum?

Kayleigh: How long until he can see a therapist

Dr H: It will take some time to match Carson with someone who specialises in OCD, more and more sims are needing our services lately, but you should hear from someone with an appointment in the next few months

Carson: Why do I feel like I need a nap

Kayleigh: You’ve had a big day, exams and then Dr Hanks. Are you sure you still want to do dinner

Carson: Yeah but… I probably wont tell them much until I’ve seen the therapist

Kayleigh: We will need to tell your dad, but apart from him it’s your health. You choose who you do or don’t want to know

Carson: So Charlie and Keira and…. Reece don’t have to know

Kayleigh: Not if you don’t want them to honey

Carson: Thanks mum, seriously

For dinner Carson and Kayleigh head to the Sulani Restaurant built by EA ID: VeronicaDumm. Onyx is here with their mum Eliza, Bob has opted to stay home and watch Fergus since Harvey won’t be there. Darwin and William are also invited to celebrate surviving the exams.

Kayleigh: Can we have a table for six please

Server: Mrs Foster? Of course! If you follow me we have a lovely table up here with the best view of the ocean… and the kitchen

Darwin: So bro how’d it go

Carson: Well they concluded I’m alive

Onyx: always nice to know

Carson: The dude we saw was pretty nice

Kayleigh: He was. Very good listener

Eliza: That’s good, our kids deserve proper care

Darwin: Did he like totally shrink your head

Carson: Does my head look smaller than normal

Darwin: It’s not a great light

Carson: *laughs* It was actually not stereotypical

Jimin: What can I get you to eat

Kayleigh: Oh I would love some Kalua pork, is that on the menu?

Jimin: It certainly is Mrs Foster

Eliza: I know we’re in Sulani but I don’t know about pork

Jimin: The chef does a fantastic Island Vegetable Feast if that would be more to your taste

Eliza: Yes thank you

Carson: And we’ll all have nectar

Kayleigh: We will not. Eliza and I can drink but the rest of you 14 year olds get rootbeer floats

There’s general grumbling from the kids but can’t be bending nectar rules when at the table nearby is top prosecutor Aaron dining with cop Amabel. They’re just tying up the case against Liam, Aaron would not be stepping out on his wife I promise.

Darwin: Go back to what you were saying Carson

Carson: Oh yeah so I was totally expecting some long as couch and an old white man telling me to close my eyes and imagine my childhood

Kayleigh: *laughs* luckily we didn’t get that

Eliza: No couch or no old white guy

Carson: Both. He was maybe 30’s and black. He did have three couches, but they were all short, I wouldn’t be able to stretch out on one

Onyx: But what if you really needed a nap

William: Nap before you go Onyx

Onyx: Don’t confuse me with your logic

William: Did it help

Carson: Yes, it did. He thinks it would be good to go see a therapist for a bit

Darwin: Makes sense. Oh yes! Food! Finally!

The various drinks and dishes arrive and everyone seated has a moment as they get excited about the food.

Eliza: Maybe I shouldn’t eat it all. I’m sure Bob would like to taste some

William: Thanks for getting us all dinner Mrs Foster

Kayleigh: You’re very welcome William

Eliza: Have you heard how your exams went yet

Carson: I did well

Darwin: Me too which is weird because I didn’t study

William: No, you just copied everyone else’s work

Darwin: Po-tay-toe po-tah-toe

Onyx: I did good mother so a horse-

Eliza: Yes but Onyx you did just get detention

Darwin: Don’t blame them Mrs Pancakes, Mr A was being Mr Arse that day

Carson: He gave me detention to

Onyx: See mother I told you

Eliza: *sighs*

Darwin: I better get home or my mums will wonder if I got killed

Everyone thanks Kayleigh and begins to head home.

William: I told you you’d be fine in the appointment

Carson: Yeah, it definitely helped. And who knows, therapy could be good

William: Well if you can’t talk to them you can always talk to me

Carson: Thanks Will. Hey is this an okay light for a selfie

William: You look great

Carson: Knew it

Kayleigh: Harv, we’re home! Are you-

Harvey: I’m here, I’m here

Kayleigh: Oh you do not look good. Did you rest properly today

Harvey: Of course I did. But then my muscles got stiff so I thought I should have a swim

Kayleigh: *sighs* That’s not going to get you better

Harvey: No but you’re going to get me better *kisses cheek*

Kayleigh: Did you get my text? I didn’t want to call in case you were napping

Harvey: I did, OCD huh

Kayleigh: Yep. But he doesn’t want to tell anyone about it just now so no blabbing

Harvey: I won’t, I won’t. Thanks for taking him,  wish I could of but-

Kayleigh: But you’re sick and need to rest

Harvey: Yeah. I think I’m getting better though, it’s just rough

Kayleigh: I know we can hardly call 11 an early night but let’s go sleep huh

Harvey: Yeah sleep sounds great sugar

This concludes the Foster chapter. Keira and Marta are here for now but next rotation will have their own home. Harvey and Kayleigh sleep and dream of retirement while Carson dreams of a clean room.

Previous ... Next (Nishidake)

[podcastjam]

Project Spotlight #1: SPACE SPECKS

Over the coming weeks, we'll be highlighting a Jam project and the team behind it. Today, we're talking with Quills of SPACE SPECKS, a post-apocalyptic sci-fi project with an exclusively aspec cast, both characters and crew!

Tell us a bit about yourself and your teammates!

I'm Quills, @quillsandpaper, and part of the writing, editing and voice acting for the project. I love anything supernatural, sci-fi or YA, especially if it includes fey lore or space. One of my favourite podcasts are Bridgewater and In Strange Woods.

@rawlyx: Hi, I’m Rawlyx, and I’m the main artist and one of the voice actors on this wonderful project! I got into podcasts after a friend suggested listening to them while I study and draw. My all-time favorites are The Magnus Archives and Just Roll With It, and I’m currently listening to Red Valley :]

@lumoakes: I'm Lumi Oakes. I'm a writer and Voice Actor on this podcast. I'm also the producer of Wanderer's Journal (@wanderersjournalpod). I got into fiction podcasts through The Bright Sessions a few years back, and I've recently really enjoyed Ethics Town.

@adragoncat: Hello, my name is Cat and I am one of the VA’s for Space Specks! I got into podcasts via The Magnus Archives and love JRWI, WTNV and I Am In Eskew.

@smallsies: Howdy, I'm Finch, and I'll be a VA and musician, along with co-writing and -editing the pilot! My introduction to audio drama was a few episodes of Welcome to Night Vale several years ago, and my current favorite is WOE.BEGONE.

What's your podcast about?

Our project is set on another planet in space after the second apocalypse has struck our characters. They're barely getting by as they're recovering from this disaster but a determined crew sets out to re-enter the dangerous zones in order to find a friend they’re hoping has survived. It’s really no surprise that they all have their own demons to battle alongside the looming danger of whatever is out there, and… well... death. A special element of our project is that all of our characters are some flavour of aspec, and our entire team is somewhere on the spectrum too!

What are you most excited about in this event?

I am having a lot of fun with the world- and character building that we are doing as a team. And putting the actual script writing aside, which I am also excited for, I'm really looking forward to recording and seeing the story elements and character dynamics flesh out and unfold in audio as well as hearing what the other teams have come up with! Additionally I'm honestly also so excited to see the art our talented artists on the team come up with.

Any advice for other participants, or those on the fence about joining?

It is my first time doing something in this shape and form so what I can say is: there's no level of skill set you necessarily need to have to participate because a lot of us are new to all of this. So don't hesitate because you're second-guessing yourself! Come join the event, let your creativity flow and don't forget to have fun!

This team is not accepting new members at this time, but if you're interested in learning more about the Podcast Jam event, check out this post for more information.

[kethsi]

So I'm sure that you know how jagex turned Burthorpe into the starter area of rs3 Where the tutorial is and all the new player skill guides are. And has graphically reworked everything including the buildings and the people. And you know how since jagex released Necromancy as a skill they allow you to see the ghosts of canonically dead npcs in Um. And technically allows some interaction with them. And you know how mod Raven said that one time around the release of Nomad's elegy, that the rs3 team actually regrets killing Cyrisus during WGS? And you know how in Path of Glouphrie Hazelmere told you of the 8 npc's sent to rescue you, 2 will survive, one representing the path of the warrior and one representing the path of the slayer?

And you know how one of these 2 NPCs, specifically the one representing the path of the warrior, is Harrallak Menarous, the most irrelevant npc in Burthorpe, so irrelevant in fact that in 2 graphical updates they haven't fixed his coif ass hair clipping through his hat? And haven't even added any dialogue to him since the Necromancy release, not even some generic "hey since u talk to the spirits of the dead, can you pls buy Ghommal and Sloane a pint?" With a "thanks" and some cosmetic rapier as a reward or whatever? So are the OSRS team gonna stick beat for beat to the original WGS script and let irrelevant nobody Harrallak live while killing Cyrisus for the shock value (which will shock no one bc we all knew it was coming) or are they actually gonna do what the rs3 team couldn't by letting Cyrisus live and continue his character arc by either: 1. Going to work @ the warrior's guild, even if only temporarily now that they have so many vacancies, possibly rising in the ranks until he becomes guildmaster or at least in charge of one of the rooms like Sloane is now (Because even if he doesn't rise to become guildmaster, I'd much rather buy the strength cape for example from Cyrisus who demonstrated strength by his willingness to carry on despite reaching rock bottom before we met him in Dream Mentor than from some quaternary NPC like Yadech Strongarm who didn't even EXIST prior to wgs), thus paying the player's kindness forward by being a guide to others the way the player was a guide to him? or 2. Making him a Slayer Master / Slayer Master in training, since his npc contact dialogue about hunting the Kalphite Queen suggests he already is on frequent bossing trip terms with the other Slayer Masters and could possibly be training with them. He is so good at combat and slayer at this point that maybe he's learning slayer master minutia from his slayer master buddies during those current trips as we speak, and is reasonably close to graduating to slayer master himself, and he's as good a candidate to replace one of the fallen slayer masters soon anyway, which will also complete his character arc by making him a guide to learners the way the player was to him, just in an aspect he seems to be happy with on his own without being introduced to it by others.

Or, maybe, they can just let him live and do something else thing that will not involve combat directly bc he seems to be meeting with world leaders on his off time and discussing weird secret stuff so he can be involved in trying to help us somehow through that. Or even write their own ideas. I mean, osrs has a writing team of people who, from what I've seen, can actually continue a story and don't need to directly copy paste every last thing rs3 does into their game. Why not develop an existing character instead of killing him for the sake of avoiding killing some other overhyped loser (Lucien) that will die in the wgs sequel anyway??? I mean surely they can spare some character development for Cyrisus this time around instead of letting him die simply to shock the 5 people who don't skip quest dialogue and very slightly like him bc he was in a quest once?

[littlethingwithfeathers]

What to do if you get caught by the Adderall shortage:

So, it’s not getting picked up by the news much (at least not that I’ve seen... NPR, BBC, AP), but there’s a pretty serious Adderall shortage happening right now. It’s been building for awhile helped along by the usual suspects (labor shortages, limited manufacturing facilities, shutdowns due to illness... blah blah) and some not so usual ones (More people getting diagnosed with ADHD... when you take away someone’s coping mechanism, which for some people it’s their in-person work environment and social activities, people start to have more issues!). And it looks like this could last until the beginning of 2023... so... what to do?

Please note, I’m not a doctor or medical professional of any kind. I just had to deal with this, and it’s worrying and a little troublesome to manage, so I thought I’d pass on some advice from my experience. It might not be one size fits all but it might help someone to know who to talk to and what to ask.

Also, if you’re going to use this as a moment to spout some drivel about “Maybe we don’t neeeeed all these meds, you guysssss!” please kindly fuck entirely, completely, and all the way off into the void. Same goes for people who are looking at this as an excuse to whine about “addicts” or drug related crime. Read the room. This post is not your soapbox. 

SO! You’ve gotten a call from your pharmacy that they can’t fill your Adderall prescription because your scrip is on backorder. Wat do??? Step one: Don’t panic. It is one pharmacy out of one version of a drug. You’ve got options, though it might take some legwork. If your prescription is at a chain like CVS, Target, Walmart, etc see if the pharmacy tech will call around to other stores in the area and ask about their stocks. Step two: 

Call your prescribing doctor, inform them of the situation, and ask for a paper prescription. Go pick up the prescription. Ask them for their advice and for information on which pharmacy to call (they might know of a pharmacy with the med in stock).

Step three: 

Start phoning pharmacies. Begin with the big chains. Places like CVS, Walgreens, Target, Walmart, and major grocery stores... places with multiple locations in town. Start here because they might be able to check with other stores in their chain to find out who has your prescription in stock, which will save you a phone call or three potentially. They also have more integrated supply networks and will have a better handle on their inventory. Fan out from your location with the help of Google. If you live in a big city, don’t be afraid to start checking in the ‘burbs or outlying towns. Also, if the pharmacy tech doesn’t seem like they’re in a rush, ask them if they’ve got other options... the generic form, other measurements, other types (long acting, short acting, etc). That will potentially save you this rigmarole a second time if you come up dry.

Step four:

If you call every pharmacy and have no luck, call your prescribing doctor back. Tell them you’ve phoned literally everyone and no one can fill your prescription and ask if there is a way you can change it by a few milligrams or switch to generic for this month? Could you get a shorter prescription (fewer pills, thus easier to fill)? Could you do short acting instead of long acting or vice versa for a few weeks until backorders get filled? In short, see if you can get an alternative to tide you over. Go get that paper prescription, and then start over (this is why asking some of those questions to the pharmacy techs could pay off).

Concluding advice:

-You do not have to do this by yourself. You don’t even actually have to do this yourself. Someone can do 90% of this for you. Other than the call to your physician for the script, a parent, spouse, friend, sibling or otherwise can help with this. They will just need the paper prescription, your insurance card, your name and date of birth, and your prescribing physician’s name and place of business. Get someone to help you if you can.

-If you’re not getting bit by the shortage, take this as a sign to stockpile your meds a bit. And this kinda goes for everyone, not just the ADHD/Adderall people. Shortages and supply issues are not going to go away any time soon. Next it might be blood pressure meds, or a particular steroid... who knows. Talk to your doctor about how to effectively plan for this with the meds you’re taking. Future you will thank you.

[muzzlemouths]

Use this ask to talk about any ideas you have, either an AU or a personal proyect :D

ARE YOU SURE? ARE YOU SURE????

Let me introduce you to a little concept called Red Giant au…

I'm choosing to talk about this AU because it'll never actually see the light of day. Mostly because I already have a whole list of other AUs I really need to be tending to before introducing another, but also because this specific AU is…well, it's mean.

If you've been following me for a while (or have read even one of my stories) you should know by now that I'm a sucker for plots that center around Sun and Moon's (irrevocably bonded) relationship. No matter the hardship at hand they always somehow find their way back to each other and sweep their differences under the rug for another day, because at the end of that day, all they really have is each other. It's a hopeful narrative. A patient and kind-hearted story.

This is not that kind of story.

Red Giant AU is the culmination of brainworms that stemmed from one single thought.... What if they didn't become Eclipse in Ruin?

What if, against all odds, this hardship was the one to break the camel's back. All those years, forced out of their element and shoved into another, the conflicts it brings about, the new stage they're presented with which take their arguments off-script, the back-and-forth of who is right and who is wrong, the crumbs swept under that rug stack higher and higher, and eventually, someone is going to trip.

Sun has a right to be tired, doesn't he? Even the hero deserves a break from the villain, a chance to breathe, to know for certain that he's in the right without having to constantly fight for it. Wouldn't you get tired of cleaning up someone else's mess? Every day? For years? Wouldn't you miss how things were before everything changed? Wouldn't you be looking for something — someone to blame?

And maybe Ruin is his final plea. Maybe it's the last olive branch that he extends in a desperate attempt to convince Moon that this, too, can be salvaged. But Moon is (rightfully) bitter, and he intends to show Sun a taste of his own medicine. Locked away without any say in the matter. No more Sun, no light, only night.

This does nothing but stir up the dust beneath that rug. It rips the band-aid off and reopens old wounds until both parties are speaking with tongues that cut even deeper. It isn't too late, of course. This relationship can still be saved, Sun thinks, if they're whole again. If someone, anyone, would come along and reset them so they could start over and have a fresh start —

But what if nobody ever comes? The plex has been closed for some time now, after all, and they have no reason to believe anyone will be stepping foot in this dilapidated building ever again. His hope surrounding this idea dwindles by the day until finally, at last, something snaps.

Someone tosses a rock through the daycare window, maybe. Debris shifts at just the right angle. A stream of light pierces the darkness, and he takes the opportunity for what it's worth, fighting, fighting, fighting until uneven feet stumble into its warm embrace and he finds enough control there to make a decision that is tangible.

The daycare will remain trapped in night indefinitely, that is true and fact and certain, but the outside? Oh, the outside is bright and full of opportunity. He's carving a path up to that window without giving himself the time to think about it. Hesitation is what got him into this mess, now there is only commitment, and that decision means tuning out Moon's every shriek and shrill, even as he reaches the sill, even as wires are further ripped from their core as he shoves himself through remaining glass.

Do you know what a red giant is? It's a phase that occurs after a sudden, drastic change. Specifically, when the sun begins to die.

This puts something of a deadline on their body. They become a walking timebomb of gears and frayed wires, out in the open world for the very first time, and things are made all the more difficult in that Sun's mental state has frayed beyond repair. Now it's his turn to cause a mess. It's his turn to play the villain. Whatever it takes to carve a new life for them out of the debris they left behind, even if it means doing so with his bare hands.

Even if it means shutting out Moon completely.

After all, why waste any further time arguing when he's finally learned how to put a wall between them? Things will go much smoother now that he's figured out where that handy little mute button is.

But eventually the day must end and the night arrives, and with it, Moon is given a few spare hours to stretch his legs and, eventually, teach himself to do the one thing that Sun has been managing alone all these years...how to put the pieces back together.

drops some art into your hands

side notes:

Sun becomes 'redder' the further he snaps and the longer he shuts Moon out. It's already spread to his chest by the time Moon finds and recruits some help.

Both of their faces are fucked Ruin style, but — either due to the red giant "virus" or his own denial — he's unable to see it in his own face. Looking into a mirror only draws forth an error screen.

While obviously built off of the Ruin DLC and some What Ifs, I have to admit the AU is also heavily influenced by the song You're Not Welcome

Despite not having any (current) plans to write this AU I'd still love to talk about it! If you have any questions my askbox is OPEN 👋

[ferinehuntressmoved]

𝘒𝘕𝘖𝘞𝘐𝘕𝘎  𝘠𝘖𝘜𝘙  𝘗𝘈𝘙𝘛𝘕𝘌𝘙  𝘞𝘌𝘓𝘓  𝘊𝘈𝘕  𝘗𝘖𝘛𝘌𝘕𝘛𝘐𝘈𝘓𝘓𝘠  𝘔𝘈𝘒𝘌  𝘞𝘙𝘐𝘛𝘐𝘕𝘎  𝘛𝘖𝘎𝘌𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙  𝘈  𝘓𝘖𝘛  𝘌𝘈𝘚𝘐𝘌𝘙.

NAME :　Panda

PRONOUNS :　She / Her

PREFERENCE  OF  COMMUNICATION :　Discord. While I can use tumblr dms, I most likely might miss them. Discord is the best form of communication for me.

NAME  OF  MUSE(S) :　Primary muses are Caitlyn Kiramman & Ahri. Secondary are Mel Medarda & Aloy. Tertiary are Elora & Vi. By Request is Nidalee & Janna

EXPERIENCE  /  HOW  LONG  (  MONTHS  /  YEARS? ) :　Holy shit, you want me to count that far back. You want me to tell you how old I really am!?! So, I started to roleplay when computers were pretty new to houses. YES! I was one of those kids that was graced by the first computers in houses! I think my first computer was a IMB one or something, but I started playing on a computer with internet back in 2000. My parents didn't have a lot of money so we couldn't get an earlier computer; this was a gift from a friend at church for me. It had Windows 98 I think or something. I don't know.

Anyway, got distracted, but when that  came around, one of the first forums every I think that had roleplaying on the web was called Avidgamers. I played Pokemon as a self insert character. One liner diaster writer I was. So yeah, I've been roleplaying for about 23 years now, but in terms of writing, I have been writing stories since I was 9 years old, so that is about 26 years (I use to also write self insert stories in Sailor Moon or Pokemon or things like that XD). Anywho, I went on a tangent, anyone who reads this your amazing.

BEST  EXPERIENCE :　Oh man, I'm not sure. There are so many things that could be my best. I use to own forums before, I had some amazing partners. I miss them dearly and I hope they are doing amazing things now. Honestly, I think its just the level of growth I've had over the years. From going to being a self-insert writer who could only write a line or two, to now trying to expand my writing and doing more. To be more quality then quantity, but also meeting partners who absolutely challenge me to write better and be better. I want to be good for people, but there are those partners that absolutely push me to try even harder and be even better.

RP  PET  PEEVES  /  DEALBREAKERS :　I'm not saying this is a pet peeve? but I typically stray away from one liners or massive purple prose writing that I don't understand what I'm reading. While I never deny anyone's choice of writing, these are the things I tend to stay away from because I personally cannot write them. I  can't really say what my pet peeves are? I probably have some but I don't know of the top of my mind.

MUSE  PREFERENCES  FLUFF,   ANGST  OR  SMUT :　I am, hands down, an absolute fiend for angst. I know it might be overwhelming for some people but I really find it carthatic for myself? and have a double enjoyment of angst that turns to fluff. I like to call it Angsty Fluff, or Fluffy Angst. The bonding of two people in difficult moments whether that is fighting to survive death or helping someone through a rough period. Two people, bonding and encouraging each other is something I really enjoy to write. I also don't mind writing smut, I actually enjoy it but I do tend to write smut with people who I heavily plot with often.

PLOTS  OR  MEMES :　Plots. While I post memes a lot, I do try to create a plot line to those memes too. I need some kidn of foundation. I am not looking for a written out script we have to follow to a T, that's not what I mean. What I am looking for is just like this idea to build around, maybe even talking about our muses connections and waht they are dealing with at the time. That kind of foundation and design really helps me feel more connected to our msues and the writing. I love memes, but I tend to only continue memes with people I plot with a lot.

LONG  OR  SHORT  REPLIES :　I love long threads. like you don't have to apologize for anything because I thrive on really long replies. I have had replies go up to 1.5k words, which absolutely thrills me. The shortest replies I can do is maybe 2 paragraphs. Any shorter then that, and I tend to loose interest and have to drop it.

BEST TIME TO WRITE :　Honestly, no idea. I am far more productive at night my time (CST). I tend to stay up til 2 or 3am.

ARE  YOU  LIKE  YOUR  MUSE(S) :　Caitlyn is very much my muse, so much so we relate on many different levels. I understand her deeply and I'm very connected to her. As for my other muses, yes and now. But caitlyn, hands down, is almost like a part of me that I get to write fully.

➤ 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐃 𝐁𝐘 [ : ] @knifvd - Thank you dear ♡ ➤ 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐆 [ : ] @shimmerbeasts, @hexcoremagician, @goldenfists, @futureforged, @goldusk, @gauntlets-shot, @blackrosesmatron, @angelicxlly, @dynaisms, @decidentia, @demacianhcart, @jynxd, @piltover-sharpshooter, @powdied, @ofspvrta, @undercity-prodigy, @torntruth, @tricoloredillusion, @realmyths, @weavertali, and anyone else who wants to.

[anthurak]

Ruby’s and Ozpin’s Mythology Allusions and How to Flip the Script on Ragnarok

Ever since Volume 6, I’ve talked quite a bit about how the possible allusions that a number of RWBY characters could have to Norse Mythology. Mostly how I think Ruby Rose herself has surprisingly quite a bit in common with Odin, and particularly how I think Ruby in many respects makes a far BETTER Odin than Ozpin does. Basically, I think the only thing Ruby needs to be a full-blown proper literary allusion to Odin is an eyepatch.

And of course, Ruby’s not the only one: We’ve got the more-well known cases like Nora being an allusion to Thor, Qrow and Raven being Odin’s ravens Huginn and Muninn and Ozpin having a few nods to Odin, even if I think Ruby ultimately has more in common with Odin. Then there is less obvious examples like how Yang’s missing arm and being her team’s most upfront fighter could make her a reference to Tyr. Or how Cinder’s fire powers, use of flaming swords and ties to Salem’s doomsday plot could make her a nod to Surtr. And I think we can all agree Neo could make for a perfect allusion to Loki.

However, there is one prominent Norse deity that has really stumped me for a while now. Not because I feel he HAS to be included somehow, but because one RWBY character has connections to them that throws a lot of theories into question.

Specifically, I am referring to Baldr. And here’s why the absolute golden boy of Norse Mythology has had me so stumped:

You see, Baldr is the son of Odin and is a god of light and beauty and purity and general goodness and is basically beloved by all the Norse gods. He’s also invulnerable to harm from all things except mistletoe, which of course he manages to get killed by. Specifically thanks to Loki being his customary chaotic little shit.

However, Baldr also doesn’t STAY dead. He’s supposed to be resurrected after Ragnarok when all the older gods, giants and monsters (Odin, Thor, Heimdall, Tyr, Loki, etc.) have been slain. From there he leads the other survivors of Ragnarok, mostly the other children of those other gods like Thor’s sons Magni and Modi, as well as surviving humans, into the new world that comes after Ragnarok.

Now, does quite a bit of all that sound a LOT like one RWBY character in particular? Friendly, nurturing, beloved by all their friends and family. Leads the new generation after the previous generation has fallen. Heavily associated with LIGHT?

Yeah, as far as I could tell for a while, the best candidate for a Baldr allusion among RWBY’s main cast is Ruby herself. You know, the one who ALSO happens to have a lot in common with Odin?

Needless to say, this question of whether Ruby is an Odin allusion or a Baldr allusion left me rather stumped for a pretty long time now. After all, it’s just a bit hard for Ruby to be an allusion to BOTH. But recently, I think I may have finally come up with a way of rectifying all this. And it’s definitely one of the weirder theories I’ve come up with…

Because I now think there is another RWBY character that fits a lot of Baldr’s characteristics. Someone who was a very well-liked and respected leader (in his time), was very optimistic, is heavily associated with light, and unlike Ruby, HAS come back to life after being killed. A bunch of times actually.

Yeah, I’m talking about Ozma.

Specifically building off the reverence/respect/loyalty his followers show him (at least at the start of the show), the fact that he’s effectively an agent for the God of Light and how he’s been resurrected.

And you know how RWBY always takes its folklore/fairy tale/literary allusions and turns them around, flips the script or otherwise don’t play the narrative straight?

Well, I now have a feeling that Ruby and Oz represent a role-reversed Odin and Baldr!

Ruby is effectively an Odin in the position of Baldr with many of his positive qualities, specifically a young leader of the next generation after the old guard has failed. And Oz is a Baldr in the position of Odin with many of his negative qualities, specifically an old, weary leader whose obsession with forestalling the end of the world has driven everyone away from him.

With Oz, we basically have a subversive, deconstructionist take on Baldr that shows how his whole destined chosen-one status could crush even the most idealistic heroes. And on the flipside with Ruby, we have a subversive, reconstructionist take on Odin that shows how they can be a genuine heroic figure and leader who can lead their family and friends to save the world.

This also neatly explains why not just Ozpin, but all of the Oz’s seem to be missing a lot of the typically key elements of Odin, like a hooded robe/cape, a tall staff or spear or especially an eyepatch. I mean, the fact that Ruby pulls off the ‘Mysterious Hooded Figure’ look a bunch of times alone makes her a better Odin than Oz.

Going back to Oz, consider how Ozma is revered and remembered as this great, flawless hero in his own time and recounted in ‘The Girl in the Tower’, who also happens to die tragically, a death which sets off a series of domino’s that leads to a great battle that causes the end of the world. And then he is resurrected into the new world that came after in order to fulfill a ‘great purpose’ and lead/save the new humanity.

Really, looking at Oz’s life from the start, his story really starts feeling like some twisted version of Baldr’s, where him dying and being resurrected after Ragnarok is only the START of his story. Where his being some prophesied leader/savoir figure was a role effectively forced upon him, and has now effectively crushed him. Even the way Oz constantly reincarnates could be considered a twisted version of Baldr’s resurrection: No matter what happens, Baldr/Oz just can’t seem to die.

And of course, this would create an all too effective contrast with Ruby being an allusion to Odin and basically flip the whole concept of the Norse Ragnarok narrative on its head: The whole point of Ragnarok is that it can’t be stopped, no matter how much Odin with all his cleverness, guile, trickery and knowledge struggles to prevent it. In that sense, we can consider Odin as representing the futile struggle against one’s Fate, while Baldr represents an acceptance of Fate.

Which means that Ruby representing Odin and Oz representing Baldr completely flips this idea: Oz’s ‘acceptance’ of Fate represents cynical defeatism and assumption that Salem cannot be stopped and that the Gods cannot be allowed to return because they too cannot be stopped. While Ruby’s defiance of Fate represents optimistic determination and a refusal to submit or give up.

If Oz is a deconstruction of Baldr, then Ruby is a reconstruction of Odin.

Consider how many times Ruby has achieved victory through cleverness and outwitting her opponents: Disposing of Neo at the Battle of Beacon, incapacitating Tyrian with a sneak attack, manipulating Cordovin to get a killing shot, exploiting the Lamp’s effect of freezing time to use her Silver Eyes, manipulating Harriet by needling her competitive streak, tricking Ironwood with the help of JNPR and Emerald, disposing of Neo again during the battle in the void, the list goes on.

Also consider how Ruby is both the first to be shown using the Lamp of Knowledge and the Staff of Creation. And how a major aspect of Ruby’s character is the pursuit of answers that her parents, mentors and leaders have either hidden from her or don’t even know themselves. In other words, a quest for Knowledge.

And then of course there are the numerous symbolic references Ruby has to Death just like all Silver Eyed Warriors. Just like Odin is a God of Death.

Odin is a clever trickster who wanders the world in a mysterious hooded cloak with a tall spearstaff often on a quest for knowledge and answers. Mostly in a doggedly determined quest to avert an end of the world that others have called inevitable. A so-called fate that Odin defiantly refuses to accept.

Like I’ve said before; at this point I think the only thing Ruby’s missing is an eyepatch.

[pixelchills]

What’s up, Current content & Original story starting point

Hey guys! I’m getting back on track with the move now over, and I have my full focus on art and writing again! 

I know many of you are getting a bit impatient with the lack of updates on my fics - which is fair, they’ve been without new chapters for a few months now! However, I have been very busy with a lot of other stuff (travels, moving, crafting the dolldrops), and my focus seems to always be on one thing at a time, which hasn’t been the stories of ANSSW or MDD for the moment. 

This doesn’t mean I’m abandoning them. The updates will just be a little slower since I write those stories when I feel like it. The reason why the Prequel was written so quickly, was because it was my main focus at the time. I have ADHD, I tend to hyperfocus on one thing for a while, then move to the next. Right now, my focus has been on the Helper Bot AU, commission work, and my original story of Dreamflower. 

I might be able to go back to hyperfocusing on ANSSW and MDD, but as for now, they’re getting updates whenever I feel like it. The fics are content I give you guys for free, as art and writing is mostly just my hobby (excluding Patreon and commissions). And since I’m not working this summer, I’m doing commissions. So technically they’re my summer job, lol. So work comes first, and fanfics a bit later.

I am a disabled person with long-term fatigue. There are many days when I can’t make content at all because of how tired I am. And since I have so many projects and AUs and interests (most of them circling around Sun and Moon though), sometimes I’m more focused on other projects than I am on the others. So sorry about that!

This is not what I wanted to talk about, though. Just to give a little heads-up on what’s going on behind the screen! 

My genuine wonders lie within the original story of Dreamflower right now, and I would love to hear your opinion on this. 

I know most of you follow me for my Sun & Moon stories and AUs, but I can genuinely tell you if you like my storytelling, LGBTQ+ themes, with angst and fluff; I think you’ll enjoy the story of Luan and Solros a lot, since they are based on my Animutant Moon and Sun after all! 

While building the story and its characters, and besides a few Tumblr ask answers and drawings, I am really eager to tell their story and work on the universe with you. But right now it all seems to be still stuck in my head and drawers.

I really wish to make Dreamflower into a Webtoon one day. But to get there, I need to get faster at drawing, and figure out the story fully before I can start drawing it. Besides being a visually driven person, I’m also really wordy (ADHD trait, I talk even more than I write). So writing a comic script from scrap, where I need to keep the story moving at a good pace, seems like a lot of work to my wordy brain. 

So, I wondered: what if I write first and then script the comic from there? 

This way I would be able to get the story out and delivered - with as many words as my heart desires - while also being able to publish content about my original story. 

Of course, this would push back the actual starting point of the comic itself, but I have realised this story and its universe are a passion project of mine; I don’t really care how long it takes, since I’m mostly doing it in my free time anyway. 

So I have a few options I’d like you to help me pick out from:

Write the story of Dreamflower in the order it should be told, and publish it to AO3. Currently, there wouldn’t be an ending point, since the story itself continues far after where the Webtoon would end. 

Same thing, but publish future scenarios/oneshots to Tumblr or AO3 separately too (usually these scenes take place after Solros and Luan have started dating, and they would appear in the main story if you’d like me to keep them secret until in that part of the story.) 

Most likely, similar to ANSSW & MDD, I would include art in each chapter for visuals. I’ve found this type of content creation very appealing to myself, as it allows me to both tell a story and draw a scene from the story without it becoming overwhelming like a comic. 

So, any thoughts on this? Which way would be a good way to go?

Thanks for reading! I hope you’re having a good summer! (Or winter if you live on the other side of the globe! c:)

I'll be taking a little break again next month when travelling again, but I'll mention that again a bit closer to the date! Just wanted to give a little notice of what’s going on at the moment!

-Chill

[amadeusgame]

This month I've... accomplished a lot. It's difficult to communicate just how much, because a lot of the work is the kind that isn't exciting to talk about and doesn't look like much... but it is a lot, and it needed to get done. The narrative work I did this month in particular has helped me prepare to finish the full 5-episode saga, not just a new demo or the first episode.

Speaking of the new demo. I originally planned to release it by the end of this year, but it's looking like that was optimistic, considering how much I'm adding from the original demo. New goal is to have it ready for private playtesting by the end of this year, and released publicly early in 2024. Next month I'll confirm if we're still on track for that!

If you'd like sooner updates, or are interested in playtesting, you are welcome to join the Discord server.

Other resources here, including the new website. Now to the devlog!

Highlights for this month:

Updated Mechanics Implemented: I have built a test scene to triage the new mechanics I've built, and functionality is now at the point where I can start rebuilding the demo with them. I am working with playtesters to identify and iron out bugs as I do so.

Finalized Narrative + Art Direction: I have determined which art assets will be inked, and which will remain in pencil. Part of this decision involved making a lot of overarching narrative and thematic details concrete, so while I don't have much to show for it at the moment, it will really pay off when the later episodes release.

Project Management: I now have a part-time job (unrelated to games), and have spent this past month re-learning how to manage my time and keep on track while also getting enough rest. Brief discussion of navigating this adjustment as a solo dev.

Marketing: This month, I really started thinking more about the kind of marketing *I* appreciate as an audience. I've shared social media posts from other indie dev projects - what is it about those posts that communicated to me I would like the games?

Recreation: media I engaged with this month!

Details below.

Updated Mechanics Implemented

I've made improvements, changes, and additions to several core mechanics so that they are flexible enough for me to build a complete game. This has been very complicated because most of the code I wrote for the old demo was very, very limited, and was held together with duct tape that could just barely handle what I built for the demo, and nothing beyond that. So my mission has been to purge the spaghetti and make my scripts able to actually do what I need them to for a more complete game.

It's very easy to get lost on where to start when approaching something like that, so I want to share an approach that really helped me: writing out the intended functionality in just English as comments first, and THEN figuring out how to script it. It's a way of "sketching" code to break down how it will work before getting into the weeds of proper syntax and functionality.

Some specifics on overhauled mechanics:

Movement - movement scripts can now handle things like an obstacle in the middle of the "walkable" area of the screen. There is polish to do but the core functionality is there and easier to iterate on. I've also added some tweaks that make it "smarter" about handling whether you're currently using point-and-click or WASD inputs.

Screen Transitions - this mechanic is MUCH more generalized now. It can handle as many entry/exit points from a screen as needed, so scene layouts can be much more varied. A downtown screen with multiple alleys each leading to different screens is possible now.

Point-and-Click - I made a lot of changes to the point-and-click movement scheme, many of which involved learning how coroutines work; unfortunately, it's still pretty buggy and rough-feeling. I think I made a mistake by trying to make my control scheme support two completely different types of inputs, because it has resulted in two half-polished movement schemes instead of one relatively polished one. However... I cannot bring myself to axe the point-and-click movement scheme, despite WASD currently being more reliable. So I'm going to move forward with the hybrid, and workshop it as I rebuild the demo. The good news is it is at the point where I can safely implement it without breaking anything (hopefully) while I continue to iterate on it. The better news is, even if it's unpolished, I think it makes the game feel very unique.

Menus - I figured out how to track "layering" the two menus (backlog, and settings screen) so it properly handles freezing/unfreezing movement if you open one on top of the other, and I made the placeholder menus/UI nicer looking. Also added audio volume controls.

Virtually everything in this image is just a placeholder, but it's a placeholder that feels much better than what I had before. Sketching this out on paper gave me a template to start building on.

I will be utilizing the "notebook" as a shortcut to view the text backlog, as well:

I have more work to do formatting the backlog, but it works, and a scroll-bar is automatically added once it exceeds the height of the backlog window.

Thanks to building this test scene, I've got all of my test scripts to a place where I feel confident rebuilding the demo with the new mechanics. There's a lot that needs to be tweaked and changed, but it's finally at the point where it feels like replacing the existing demo with the new mechanics is pretty much a clear upgrade. So I'm excited to get started on that!

Finalized Narrative + Art Direction

In October's devlog, I wrote that determining precisely which assets will be inked and which will remain in pencil was probably this month's most important project. I debated going with a practical approach (such as "ink all assets of this type: talk sprite, interactible, etc") - but I quickly realized that I would have more fun doing something cool with it instead. This turned it from an art direction problem to a narrative problem, which forced me to answer a LOT of questions for myself that I had been putting off until later, because most of these questions will not be unveiled within the scope of Episode 1. They weren't strictly needed to finish just Episode 1 originally; but they would be if Episode 1 were to include an art direction decision that is related to very late-game concepts.

The drawback to this is it took up a lot of time and energy that could have been spent focusing on Episode 1 and finishing the new demo faster and getting a release faster.

The (huge, in my opinion) benefit to this is that Episode 1 is going to be much more effective now, as there are so many things I can set up early on because I already know precisely where I'm going with them. I also just feel more prepared to continue this momentum over the next several years and write the entire narrative, not just the first segment of it. I think the overall experience will be better and more convincing, and that this was an effective use of my time.

I fully expect some things to evolve as I make the other episodes - my experience just in creating the demo has been that some parts of the game truly do write themselves - but I still think this was a very good use of my time this month. It's going to drive me nuts keeping everything I'm planning under wraps for the years until the reveals come, though.

(Which leads me to another very important thing I did this month: called a friend and spoiled literally everything I've been planning to them. I was drawing spoilery fanart of very late-game reveals and needed SOMEONE to spill all of the beans to. The friend in question is an author so they also acted as a very useful brainstorming/sounding board for certain themes I still wasn't sure where to go with... anyway, I cannot recommend this enough. Having just One Dedicated Spoiler Friend has been invaluable.)

Since I spent so much time on the brainstorming part of this, I don't have much to show for it at the moment. I've started inking some more assets, though. Here's Solea (not yet scanned/colored):

Project Management

If you don't read anything else in this section, take away the following: I now have part-time work to offer financial stability and life experience. My real job is developing Amadeus.

Adjusting to being outside of school was difficult, and adjusting to now having a part-time job has also been difficult. However, I am really lucky in that this job is pretty much perfect - it's completely unrelated to games (so ALL of my games and artistic energy can go to Amadeus, not to work), it's part time (so I have much more time to dedicate to Amadeus than I would if I was working full-time), and I like the people there. Thanks to this, I don't have to stress about my financials or a fruitless job hunt, and can focus all of my remaining time and energy to my own projects.

However, having limited free time - even if it's more than I would have if I worked full-time - means project management is even more essential than it was before. It's not just a matter of giving myself deadlines so I get things done, it's a matter of understanding what tasks I can actually accomplish on a given day/week without burning myself out. I find that inking assets is something I am willing to do a little at a time, in bed, before I sleep. Coding is something I'm more than happy to do on lunchbreaks and on my commute. Music composition, however, requires a solid 2-hour block of sitting at my desk with no distractions, and a completely free day afterwards just in case I hit a groove and happen to bang out an entire piece in one afternoon. Learning to work with my own tendencies and not against them is essential to actually getting things done.

One more benefit of my new job is I've learned how to use project management software in a way that works for me to remind myself of what needs doing (especially regular upkeep tasks), in addition to special projects. I've started using it outside of work (on an unrelated, personal account! For the record! Asana is free for small teams!!) to manage Amadeus tasks, and I have to say it has been a game changer. It's really getting me to stay on top of everything that needs doing. I got the advice from several indie devs at SIX to use project management software, and wouldn't you know it, they were right. The folks who actually get enough stuff done to have a demo at SIX know what it takes to get your game made! Who knew??

Marketing

I've been paying more attention to what other indie devs do to advertise their own work. Many aspects of "successful" posts are beyond my control - whether something reaches a wide audience or not depends on too many factors to stress over. So I have decided to focus on what I can control: if the post reaches someone who might like this game, how do I show them that they might like this game?

For the past couple weeks, I've picked a game whose marketing posts I willingly shared on social media because I was excited about the game. I retweeted Small Saga's trailer advertising its upcoming release last week - why? Well, because I watched their trailer video and found it appealing. Why did I watch the video? I don't watch every video on my twitter feed! But something about the trailer footage reminded me of Final Fantasy IX, one of my favorite video games ever made. What, specifically? The character designs and town designs evoked that feeling for me. Then I unmuted the video and really liked the track that was playing, and I decided I wanted to share this.

As a musician, it pains me to say that the music was not remotely close to my first priority when determining whether to share this post. It was a deciding factor, but one that did not come into play until after the visuals had captivated me. The visuals showed me "this game feels like Final Fantasy IX," and that is the hook that got me to stick around for the rest. The trailer succeeded in convincing me, as someone who might like the game, that I might like it. And it did so by letting the game speak for itself. The fact that the font in the trailer matched the aesthetic of the game footage was also a nice bonus.

So last week, I put together a post with a video that was supposed to communicate: "if you like Umineko When They Cry, you might like Amadeus." The same way Small Saga communicated "if you like Final Fantasy IX, you might like Small Saga." I included more of the pure text-based visual novel scenes in this trailer than usual, because Amadeus is turning into more and more of a visual novel the more I flesh out the narrative. I don't know if this accomplished what I hoped it would, but the process of making it taught me a lot.

A couple weeks before this, I based my post off of Cavern of Dreams marketing on Tumblr. Cavern of Dreams appealed to me because its posts told me exactly who it was for: it was for people with a nostalgic love for N64-era platformers. Who is Amadeus for? Well, since I was deep in revamping the point-and-click controls to also allow point-and-spacebar for wrist ease, I made a trailer advertising this accessible input scheme.

I don't pretend to be very good at marketing still, but I've learned a lot just from seeing what other people have done that clicked with me. Marketing, as an indie dev, is really about communication. It's about showing people the heart of what you're making, in a way that lets people who share the same interests find it and enjoy it.

Recreation

3 games to shout out that I played this month:

Burly Men At Sea - an excellent reference for a game with a simple style and focused concept that is really appealing and polished. It's fun, silly, cute, and does what it wants to do extremely well. It's... effectively the opposite of what I am making, which is a game that is scrappy, overly ambitious, and all over the place. But that's okay! It's very grounding to play a game that features strengths completely the opposite of my own.

Once by Moonlight - a short werewolf visual novel here on itch. I don't pretend to think I am the first person to write a visual novel about a werewolf, so I wanted to look at someone else's take on it. I recommend it if you have a couple hours to spare. I took about a page of notes while playing it for my own reference, as both a dev and a storyteller, so you know it's solid!

Tsukihime - I only just started this, but it was a recommendation from a friend after I asked for a VN recommendation that was long enough to binge and go insane over, and preferably had vampires or werewolves. I am certain this will show up under "Recreation" for next month as well, because I can already tell this is going to give me a lot of ideas and influence Amadeus in ways that are yet to be determined. While I myself am not writing a horny visual novel, I also feel it's important to acknowledge that horny visual novels are the backbone and history of the whole genre, so why not play the super iconic one about vampires?

That's a wrap for this month! Next month, my goal is to be able to sum up my entire devlog with "the demo is remade and in private playtesting." Fingers crossed I can hold myself to it. Stay tuned!

[nervousgardenerkid]

no thoughts, head empty, steve being absolutely DOWN BAD for a theater kid reader who’s in the musical but since he can’t sing (methinks he can act but can’t sing) he bribes stage manager nancy (she’s stage manager material if she didn’t do journalism at hawkins high she’d be a stage manager) into making him an asm so he can hang out with reader and help them practice and all that shit

bonus points: reader is really into him and when they’re rehearsing singing a love song they always stare in steve’s direction for a bit like a simp and nancy teases both steve and reader about it—

(this is inspired by me listening to “i feel pretty” from west side story on repeat—)

<3

When he sees me

a/n: it's the way i wrote this like three times cause i couldn't decide on a musical😭😭i almost chose grease but it didn't sit right with me then i remembered waitress and was like this is PERFECT!! this is a modern au! the texts in the beginning are between nancy, steve, jonathan, and robin! i hope u enjoy this :D credit to the gif owner! <3

can someone bring me a coffee?? rehearsals are DRAGGING!!

i wish i could babe :( will is helping me for my photography final💔

here's some coffee nance! ☕️

not funny 😐 didn't laugh 😐

steve chuckles at the group chat and sends a quick text to them.

i'll bring it. my class was cancelled today

steve to the rescue!!

grab her a muffin! she loves those <3

thanks steve! im in the auditorium in the very front just come in quietly🫡

Steve stuffs the phone into his back pocket and walks toward the cafeteria to get Nancy her muffin and coffee. While he waited in line he scrolled through his phone liking random pictures of people he didn't even really know. He looks up when he hears his name being called and smiles at the barista handing him Nancy’s snacks. He makes his way to the auditorium wondering if all the stress was worth it to Nancy.

He's quite the worrier when it comes to his friends and he can't even seem to remember the last time Nancy had an actual meal. He remembers going out to eat with everyone and Nancy was looking over the script while Jonathan had to remind her that her food was getting cold. He quietly walks into the auditorium and stares at the stage in awe.

“Holy shit Nance, this looks amazing!” he exclaims while handing her the muffin and coffee. She looks at Steve and smiles, waving her hand in the air.

“This isn't all me, Eddie made hellfire help build the set!”

At the mention of his name Eddie walks onto the stage with a stool in his arms and looks at Nancy.

“Where do you want the stool again?”

Nancy gulps her coffee and hands it to Steve while hopping onto the stage. She shows Eddie where the tape is for the stool and Steve just stares at the cup in shock from how light it is.

“Nancy, when was the last time you ate?” He asked her.

“I had crackers today.”

Steve was ready to give Nancy a lecture that she's all too familiar with when he was suddenly interrupted.

“Nance, have you seen my nametag? Ash said she gave it to props even though it's part of costumes.”

Steve feels his heart jump out of his chest as he sees you standing on the stage. Steve has biology with you, you're actually his lab partner. Usually, Steve isn't one to talk to his classmates unless he needs to but he couldn't help but talk to you. It came so naturally for him, you laughed at his jokes, and god you were so fucking pretty. Steve is so infatuated with you that he doesn't even realize Nancy called him several times until she throws a pen at him.

“Steve! Come up here and help me real quick.”

Steve nods his head and jumps onto the stage standing next to Nancy with his hands on his hips.

“Steve Harrington at your service,” he says, which causes you to giggle.

“Hi, Stevie.” you say with a smile.

“Hey pretty girl, I like your outfit,” he says gesturing to your waitress costume. “Feel like you'd bring me the best burger in town.”

You blush and try your best to ignore his silly compliment while Nancy looks at your costume. She hands Steve the clipboard she's holding and stuffs her hands in every pocket she has.

“Crap, I thought I had the name tag but I don't. You asked props already?”

You nodded your head.

“Steve, go into the classroom and check in the professor’s drawer, there should be some spare name tags in there.”

“....where's the classroom?”

Silence falls over the three of you and Nancy sighs.

“Y/n, can you-”

“Already on it.” you chuckled out. You pass by Steve and place your hand on his arm giving it a gentle squeeze. “Bye Stevie.”

He sighs out a soft bye and turns his attention back to Nancy.

“Put me in the play.”

“What?!”

“Please! I promise you I'm a great actor!”

Nancy chuckles. “This is a musical, Steve, it's not just acting. There's singing and dancing.”

Steve let out a scoff. “I can sing and dance!”

“Steve, the only time you've sung is when we had karaoke night and you're one of the most uncoordinated people I know!”

Steve shakes his head. “Not true, you know Robin.”

Nancy nods her head knowing her friend is much clumsier than Steve. Steve silently thanks god for making him so stubborn because now, he's following Nancy around the stage while begging her to let him in the show.

“Steve!” Nancy shouts.

“Yes, I'll be in the play. See? Was that so hard-”

Nancy grabs him by the collar of his shirt and brings him close.

“Do you know why I chose y/n to play Dawn?”

“Cause she's pretty.”

Nancy rolled her eyes but smiled. “No, although yes she is pretty.” She let go of Steve’s collar and massaged her temples.

“Y/n is playing Dawn cause she's perfect for it. I've casted everyone very carefully so that the natural chemistry is there and no one has to force feelings or anything!”

Steve nods his head and lets out a hum. “So, what I’m hearing is you'll cast me.”

“MARCUS!” Nancy shouted.

A boy runs out onto the stage and sends Nancy a smile. Steve looks at who he assumes is Marcus up and down and cringes internally at his outfit. He's wearing a plaid shirt tucked into some black pants, and his hair isn't styled.

"That his costume?" Steve whispers to Nancy.

“I swear i don't dress like this," Marcus said to Steve. "What's up?” he asks Nancy.

“This is Steve,”

Steve waves at him and smiles at him.

“Show Steve what you have to do while singing.”

Marcus let out a chuckle and straightened his posture. “You want me to sing too?”

“Go for it.” she smiled.

Steve watches in awe when Marcus puts his arms flat on his sides and starts doing an Irish jig while singing perfectly. It lasts maybe a couple of seconds at most but it's enough for Steve to realize he may be in over his head.

“Thank you, Marcus, that's all I needed,” Nancy said with a smile and patted his back.

“If you think that's good just wait until opening night! It's gonna blow everyone away!” With that, Marcus finds his way back to the dressing room and Nancy turns to Steve with a smirk.

“Still think you're cut out for this?”

Steve let out a scoff. “If you didn't want me in the play you could've just said that.”

Nancy was ready to say something when half of the cast rushed out of the dressing room all talking over each other.

“Nancy! Rosa fucked up one of the waitress’ dresses!”

“I did not!“

“Oh really? Then how did pink pen ink get on there?!”

“Ask Charlie! He has a pink pen!”

“EVERYONE KNOWS I ONLY USE BLUE ROSA BE REAL!”

Nancy is used to feeling overwhelmed, it comes with being a stage manager. She's not sure if it's because she hasn't had a proper meal in a while, or maybe it's because Fred ditched being her assistant stage manager and decided to do journaling instead. Ugh, journaling.

“EVERYONE SHUT UP!” she shouts. Silence falls over the auditorium and Nancy has a bright idea.

“You still wanna be in the play?” she asks Steve. Steve slowly nods his head, but only because he's too scared to say no to her right now. Nancy sighs and turns to the cast.

“I need everyone seated in the audience in two minutes.”

Steve watched everyone scatter in different directions, some ran off the stage and sat in a chair while others went to get the rest of the cast. Once Nancy saw everyone in the audience she clapped her hands.

“Okay! As you know Fred has left and I've practically been doing manager things all by myself. It's been a struggle, but I still love what I do.”

“Nance, did you want me to sit in the audience too? Cause there's an empty seat next to y/n-”

“Thankfully! Steve, being the best friend he is, has decided to be my assistant stage manager! If you have any questions about costumes, props, or anything else go to him! I'll be showing him the ropes so don't worry. Any questions?”

Eddie’s hand shot up into the air. “He's gonna help move the set around right? Cause I have some guys going out of town so set design and things like that may run behind.”

Steve opened his mouth to answer his question but Nancy beat him to it.

“Yeah, he's definitely helping out, just make sure I see the designs before it's made final. Anyone else?”

Steve hears people mutter no and sees people shaking their heads.

“Awesome! Everyone go back to what you were doing and try not to come to me or Steve unless you absolutely need us! I'm gonna be in the class giving him a crash course.”

The cast started getting back to what they were doing while Steve was lost and confused.

“Nancy! Have you forgotten that I know nothing about theatre?! This is your area and a little bit of Will’s but that's not the point!

You hopped on stage with a smile and waved at Steve.

“Welcome to showbiz baby!”

Steve’s heart soars and he gives you a lovesick smile as he watches you walk into the dressing room.

“Tell me everything I need to know.”

-

“Stevie! Can you see if Will can help Mary fix my costume? It's a little loose on the sides.”

Steve let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. “Nessa, I told you already you can't call me Stevie. I don't like that nickname.”

Nessa smirked. “But y/n calls you that.”

Steve felt himself begin to blush as Nessa started to tease him. Almost everyone knew about Steve’s crush on you, except you. You were too focused on the show knowing you had a number and everything was enough to send you spiraling into your thoughts.

“That's different, she's special.”

“Who's special?” you asked, stepping on stage in full costume.

“MY MOM!” Steve shouted.

“THE QUEEN!” Nessa followed.

You raise your brows at them and chuckle. “Okay…weirdos.”

Steve chuckled and turned back to Nessa.

“Yeah, I’ll see if I can sneak Will away to fix the costume.”

Nessa thanked him and skipped off to the dressing room to finish getting ready. Steve looks up from his phone and sees you nervously pacing the stage.

“Hey, you okay?”

You nodded your head. “It's weird, I've sung the songs so many times it's like…engraved in my brain.”

“But?”

You chuckle nervously and rub the plan of your hands along the apron that's folded across your waist.

“But what if I mess up? Opening night is tomorrow and I'm so scared that I'm gonna screw something up.”

Steve brings you in for a hug and sways you back and forth.

“You're freaking out over nothing! I've seen you rehearse this a million times, it's like you were born to be on stage.”

You stop swaying and look up at him with a smile. Steve isn't sure if it's the reflection of stage lights on your glasses or maybe you really do have stars in your eyes, either way, he could stare into them all day long.

“You think so?”

“Definitely, don't forget me once you're on Broadway with the big names.”

“Please, I could never forget you, Steve Harrington.”

Steve looks down at you and he wants to kiss you. He wants to kiss you so bad, but he knows he can't. Nancy made it clear that she doesn't want anyone to start a relationship in the middle of the show to avoid conflicts and drama, she called it show-mance.

“Do you maybe…want to hang out after all this?” Steve asked nervously.

“We can't…it’s forbidden.” You teased.

He let out a laugh and shook his head. “No, I mean after the show.” Steve took a deep breath and decided to pull the trigger on this.

“I've liked you for a while. Ever since you laughed at my jokes in biology actually, I wanted to ask you out but I got pulled into this and Nancy told me about the showmance rule she had,” Steve shrugs his shoulders, not really knowing where he was going with this. He knows he's just rambling now but he appreciates that you're listening still.

“I don't wanna be a showmance for you. I want to be more than that. An actual romance.”

You opened your mouth ready to say yes a million times when you heard the opening number blast through the speakers. You and Steve jump back from each other and you're quick to look up at the booths.

“ARE YOU SERIOUS JACK?!”

“I'M SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SO LOUD!”

Nancy steps onto the stage and claps her hands. “Okay, people places! This is our last run-through of the show before opening night so let's make it count!”

Everyone scattered to their spots, including you. Steve felt his shoulders slump when he couldn't find you on stage anymore. He began making his way down the stage when you pulled him backstage and kissed his cheek. You looked around and made sure no one saw before you smiled.

“I'd love to go out with you. In an actual romantic way that is.”

“Yeah?” He asks with a wide smile.

“Yeah.”

Steve nods his head, mumbling the word cool under his breath. He clears his throat and places a kiss on your forehead.

“Break a leg superstar,” he whispers before jumping off the stage and sprinting to his seat next to Nancy. She doesn't look up from her script but he can practically hear her smile.

“You're welcome.”

Steve can't wipe off the smile that's on his face when he hears your voice mixed in with the other girls that are on stage. Steve knows he's not the smartest and he's not always right when it comes to certain things, but if he was right about one thing it was you. You were made to be on this stage, you were made to perform your heart out and touch the heart of others, and who knows? Maybe you were even made for Steve. Nah, he thinks to himself. You were definitely made for him.

[clonerightsagenda]

Another fun conversation I found while digging for those tidbits, this one about Maxwell and Pryce

Gill side note: while there is some exterior material to canon suggesting Pryce and Maxwell would Not get along it's very funny because how many steps from "I can rewrite a memory" and "experimenting on an AI unit to expand his capacity" is it really to hard-coding anxiety into an AI's personality matrix, and from there to scooping someone's brain out to replace it with a glorified RC rig Kat for real Gill this is unexplored territory people!! Kat I think Maxwell wants to believe she's an ethical AI scientist but when the rubber hits the road….she's not that different from Pryce Gill you'd rewrite them against their consent when you believe it's necessary just because your parameters for "when it's necessary" are narrower and less nakedly self-serving doesn't mean that isn't what's going on Kat I think she would see that as the 'kinder' option versus deleting Hera, but at the end of the day you're violating her consent when she was explicit that she'd rather die Gill you're still changing the building blocks of someone's identity based on what you believe is best for them against their explicit wishes not to Slippery Slope Argument but it would have been very fun to see Maxwell go off on Pryce and then have Pryce hit her upside the head with a devastating "we're not so different" speech Kat shame Maxwell didn't make it to s4 so she could be the restraining bolts and be like hm is this the inevitable slippery slope of my actions Still wonder how Maxwell thinks invented AI since she'd never heard of Pryce. was Cutter just like here's this cool tech. don't ask where it came from Kate I keep forgetting that… They don’t keep her secret, she co-published the DSSPPM Kat I guess that's true, it's possible she knew who Pryce was but just didn't recognize her Gill Maxwell: Surely, like all tech corporations, there is a large team of brilliant engineers who worked round the clock on this whose names will never be known in their lifetimes. The idea of the rock star genius entrepreneur is a myth. Dr Pryce: lol Kat actually no looking at the script, Pryce uses her name and Maxwell still asks who it is someone never read the survival manual Kate I can definitely imagine no one knows what Pryce looks or sounds like though Reclusive scientist And oh, huh Kat someone hearing Pryce talk for the first time: blorbo from my AI programs? Gill I mean how often do you pay attention to the authors of your Mandatory Corporate Reading Assignment Literature Also, side note; comms director Minkowski going ballistic on Alien Zombie Maxwell upon finding out she never even read the manual Kat Cutter: everyone kept complaining to me that 'oh your evil daughter killed and ate an intern' 'oh your evil daughter weaponized the microwave' like get over yourselves. now none of you get to see her there is canonically a separate si5 manual. Maxwell probably also didn't read that one Gill She’s like me, Re: the “Anything that’s actually important is something you learn while actually doing the job” attitude Kat Kepler: And you both read the SI5 manual correct Jacobi, deepest sigh of all: yes sir Maxwell sotto voice: kissass Maxwell had to read the fucking Bible as a child she's had enough of this shit Gill Apropos of nothing at all I am now imagining Pryce adding as an aside in an evil monologue “and also, I have prion disease” Kat Pryce: The rogue proteins keep dismantling my brain but I keep building it back together again faster Gill Goddard Futuristics rolls out a new treatment/preventative for prion disease Why did they make this? Don’t worry about it Kate “It’s for all those poor mad cows in England :) don’t worry about it :) “ Gill As in the alternative to “also I have prion disease” is “also one of my superpowers I invented for myself is immunity to prion disease. Do not ask why I did this or why it was needed.” Kat but yeah it's a shame even with alien zombie Maxwell she can't really have a Confront Your Dark Potential with Pryce bc Miranda's semi-confused about the whole thing Hera will just have to yell at her

Gill Alternatively you flip it. Build the narrative so that Miranda is like “oh my god is this what I was like??” And Maxwell goes “wait no you’re supposed to be my cautionary tale shadow archetype” Kat alien zombie Maxwell being perma-brainfogged due to the whole bullet to the head thing: man this sucks Miranda: I could probably try neural reconstructive surgery Maxwell: uh Hera: what :) does that idea bother you for some reason : ) i'm sure it would be fine : ) Hera briefly throwing behind Miranda 100% for the only time in her life Kate Maxwell and Miranda together would be. Nightmarish for Hera and an emotion I would LOVE to see Kat Doug: I mean I'd still be ok with her trying to fix my lungs Hera: no shut up. I want her to cut open Dr. Maxwell's brain Gill Hera like “both of them are the bad guy and lesser of two evils relative to each other. I have sympathetic feelings for both and wish to have them near me as little as possible. I want to see them fight to the death” Kate And she is So valid

[christianbalefanatic]

Christian Bale Keeps Trying to Quit Hollywood

Christian Bale Keeps Trying to Quit Hollywood

He’s spent decades pretending to not be himself. Now, at 47, one of the world’s greatest actors speaks with rare candor about navigating a career he never quite chose and building a life he sometimes can't fathom.

BY ZACH BARON

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GREGORY HARRIS

October 5, 2022

Somehow, Christian Bale found himself shooting three different movies last year, but he hasn’t been on a film set in months, and he doesn’t know when he’ll be back on one, and this fact makes him happy. “I could just go forever not working,” he says. He’s a little late to meet me at this diner in Santa Monica that he’d prefer I not name because he and the director of one of those movies, David O. Russell, come here a lot to bat around scripts and people-watch. In fact, as we talk he keeps getting distracted by what those people are doing, various characters that he’s given names to, locals who frequent the place who he observes like old friends, people who don’t know who Christian Bale is and wouldn’t care if they did.

He’s wearing a dark, shapeless T-shirt and dark, shapeless pants and has enough of a beard going that he could play a Civil War general. From out of the beard peers, well, Batman. Patrick Bateman. A movie star’s face, familiar from 35 years’ worth of movies that have earned him four Oscar nominations and one win—for 2010’s The Fighter. Bale was 13 years old when he starred in Steven Spielberg’s Empire of the Sun, his first major movie role, a part he sought out and ultimately accepted because his family was in need. His life hasn’t been what you’d call normal since, but it wasn’t totally normal before either—his father, a former pilot and financial adviser, moved Bale and his siblings and his mother around the United Kingdom constantly, picking up and starting again. Bale resists self-reflection, but it’s not hard to see that kid in him still: drawn to extremes, transfixed by reinvention, motivated by fixing what happened to his family, and ambivalent about what he had to do and what he had to sacrifice in order to take care of the people he loved.

It’s also worth saying that he resists self-reflection in an absolutely delightful way. His accent is nominally Welsh, the voice more musical and mischievous than it tends to be onscreen, and in that voice he will ask you if you have children. He will ask you what your hopes and dreams are in life. He will seek out other things you’ve written and ask you detailed questions about them, all in the hopes of not talking about himself. Part of it, he says, is that he thinks that if people actually know him it will ruin whatever he’s trying to do as an actor; part of it, I think, is that he’s just genuinely not all that interested in the subject. What he wants, what he’s seeking, is obsession, or oblivion—the total erasure of the self. And let me say!…I recommend talking with people who are into oblivion. They are never once boring.

Because of all that, he doesn’t do many interviews like these, but the movies have added up, and so he’s giving it a shot. This summer he starred as the villain in Thor: Love and Thunder. This month he plays a one-eyed guy named Burt in David O. Russell’s wild new film, Amsterdam. And then at the end of the year he has a 19th-century murder mystery he shot with another frequent collaborator, the director Scott Cooper, called The Pale Blue Eye. “Which,” he says, about having three movies come out in the same year: “Nobody needs that. I don’t need it. No one else needs to see me that much.” And yet here we are.

Bale has lived in Los Angeles since the ’90s. But it’s a very specific Los Angeles. “You can live here and not be in the middle of the film community,” he says. “I’m not. I don’t have anything to do with it. I’m here because my wife is from here. If she wasn’t, we probably wouldn’t. But people sort of imagine film people swanning about, hanging out with each other all the time, talking about films, and that just makes me want to slam my head into the table.”

Christian Bale covers the November 2022 issue of GQ. Coat, $4,995, and shirt, $295, by Dolce & Gabbana.

Jacket, $6,950, and pants, $1,295, by Loro Piana. Shirt, $110, by RTH. Hat, $219, by Begg x Co. Watch, $25,900, by Vacheron Constantin. Necklace, $6,400, by David Yurman.

Well, there are actors who get into acting because they’re obsessed with movies and film people. My understanding is, that’s not your story, right?

Not true, not me, no. I’m a bit illiterate when it comes to films. I disappoint everybody with how little I know about film. I don’t think it matters. I don’t think you have to for what I do.

You’re not filming anything right now. Are you someone who is content to not work?

More than content: fucking ecstatic. I’ve always been bent on “When’s this gonna end? This has to end.” I like doing things that have nothing to do with film. And I find myself very happily not playing dress-up, not pretending to be somebody else for long lengths of time.

When you say things like “playing dress-up,” it seems like there have been times when you were almost…not embarrassed to be doing what you’re doing but—

Oh, no, flat-out embarrassed. Yes, for many years. Actually mortified. You know, I’m under no illusions either about the fact that the only reason I get noticed or feel useful in this world is when I pretend not to be me, right? Which is why doing [interviews] is such a weird thing because I’m like, “Wait a second. This is career suicide, doing this—”

Doing this interview is not career suicide.

Well, on the one hand I’m like, “Yeah, bring it on.” On the other hand I’m more like, “Eh, don’t let this be the reason.” So it’s a slow death. I’m having this very slow death in public.

But you’re answering a question about being interviewed. And I’m asking a question about you being comfortable identifying as an actor. You said, “Oh, I feel embarrassed.”

insanity of the job itself. I guess it’s the idea of what people think an actor is that’s embarrassing. I mean, how many useful jobs are there, really, in life, where you’re helping other people? Am I just creating more stupid background noise? But the acting itself, I enjoy how ridiculous it is. I love something that you can just go too far with. People are fucking fascinating. I love people, I love watching people, and I get to watch them in a way that would otherwise be perceived as verging on extremely bizarre.

When you say, “I love something that you can just go too far with,” I want to make sure I understand that.

Obsession, that’s what I mean. You get to obsess without people saying, “He needs to go in the loony bin.” Right? But, uh, is film what you love writing about? What is your thing? You know, This is what I wanna do…?

I’m doing the thing I want to do right now.

Do you have other ambitions?

This conversation is my ambition. You were saying that you anticipated having more time to make the three movies you have coming out this year, but then a pandemic happened.

We made Amsterdam right in the middle of the surge in LA. I believe we had something like 26,000 tests. Because I spoke with the COVID-safety expert, and they were breaking down all the scenes before filming in order to figure out when my mouth would be open, and saying, “Well, I see that you laugh in this scene” and then “I see you sing in this scene.” And I said, “Yeah, but I might laugh in every scene, or I might sing in every scene.” And, they said, “No, but that’s not in the script.” And I went: “No, this is going to change every day. We change every take.”

I did enjoy your singing in this film.

Oh. Thank you very much. I love singing. All I can promise whenever I do it is that you probably can hear I’m enjoying myself. That’s it. But, like Todd Haynes, for instance, I went in the recording studio for him for I’m Not There. And, aw, man, I had the best time. And I thought I nailed it. And then when I heard it, I was like, “Yeah, they got someone else in, didn’t they?” Maybe they hoped I wouldn’t even notice. They were like, “He’s so fucking tone deaf, he won’t even notice at all.” But, you know, I annoy my family enough by just singing all the time. Once I start, they have to say “Please stop” to me. Because I just love it.

I keep trying to ask you about the movies and we keep ending up talking about something else, like singing, which I suspect is somewhat intentional.

No, but it’s more interesting talking about other things other than stuff that I already know, innit?

Yeah, but I don’t know it.

Yeah.

Your last film before the three this year was 2019’s Ford v Ferrari, in which you play a very difficult race car driver. At some point the director, James Mangold, told you he was just asking you to play yourself, right?

I mean he was fucking with me a little bit there, I think, but maybe not. Though I’ve gotta say, it was our second film. We’re talking about another. We enjoy working together.

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So, you don’t actually regard yourself as difficult?

No. Not in the slightest. Absolutely not, no. I’m totally grateful and surprised that I get to keep working, right? And you have to maintain that gratitude. But within that gratitude, that mustn’t mean you let standards slip, right? It doesn’t mean you start going, “Oh, I’m so happy and grateful to be working at all, because I never expected this in my life,” which is all true. But that gratitude must turn into, therefore, “I must do things as absolutely well as I possibly can.” But you get passionate characters in the world of filmmaking, right? Because sometimes caring can come across as a certain way for people who might, uh, get a bit overexcited at times.

“I think some people mistakenly believe that I am a leading man, and it just keeps going and I don’t understand it.”

I was thinking that in some ways, the three movies you have this year—Thor, Amsterdam, The Pale Blue Eye—offer a vision of your career in a microcosm. Two are the kind of auteur-driven films we frequently see you in, and then one is a big franchise entertainment. I’m curious what draws you to the big mega-productions like Thor: Love and Thunder.

I was like, “This looks like an intriguing character; I might be able to do something with this, who knows?” And I’d liked Ragnarok. I took my son to see Ragnarok. He was climbing like a monkey all across [the seats] and then he was like, “Oh, I’ve had enough now, let’s get on.” I was like, “No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.” I was just like, “I want to finish it.”

Some performers have gone into doing a movie like Thor and come away saying, “Great vibe. Loved the people. The green-screen acting is not for me.”

That’s the first time I’ve done that. I mean, the definition of it is monotony. You’ve got good people. You’ve got other actors who are far more experienced at it than me. Can you differentiate one day from the next? No. Absolutely not. You have no idea what to do. I couldn’t even differentiate one stage from the next. They kept saying, “You’re on Stage Three.” Well, it’s like, “Which one is that?” “The blue one.” They’re like, “Yeah. But you’re on Stage Seven.” “Which one is that?” “The blue one.” I was like, “Uh, where?”

I’m guessing there were no Method attempts to stay in character during this.

That would’ve been a pitiful attempt to do that. As I’m trying to get help getting the fangs in and out and explaining I’ve broken a nail, or I’m tripping over the tunic.

You play the villain in that movie. I feel like you’re more willing to play unlikable characters than some quote-unquote leading men.

Absolutely, yes. I’ve never quite gotten that thing from actors who I respect immensely who go like, “Oh, you gotta like your character.” And I’m like, “I don’t know if they’ll like him. I’m good not liking him.”

I wonder if this helps explain your longevity—what you do has never depended on likability.

Right. I’m always sort of confused when people are like, “Oh, I do it for my fans.” Oh, sounds so lovely. What a lovely person you must be, you’re doing it for your fans. Oh, wonderful. A big heart you must have. Well, why did you start, then? Nobody had fans at the beginning. I want people who do it for themselves. I don’t want to watch people who are doing it for me. I’m like, “How do you know what I want?” Like, surprise me with it, do it for yourself, I wanna know that this is everything to you. Like, be intense about it, go for it, do it for yourself.

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Have you ever been drawn to the more traditional version of movie stardom?

Those are the people who actually are useful for being themselves. And then there’s people who are like me, who only ever found themselves to be useful to anybody when they decided not to be themselves, right? So, “just be yourself” is, like, the worst piece of advice you could give someone like me, because, you know, I’ve got a career because I ignored that advice and said, “No, be someone else. Be someone else.”

I suspect I know what your answer is going to be, but do you have a theory of why you’ve been so successful? Because you’re not a character actor, you do play leads in movies.

Zero strategy. I think some people mistakenly believe that I am a leading man, and it just keeps on going and I don’t understand it.

Some actors come into this business because they love movies. Some come into it because they love acting. Some come into it because they want to be famous, though they probably wouldn’t admit that. The interesting thing about you, I think, is that you’re none of those things, if I understand correctly.

Um, yeah. No. I mean, you tell me whatever you think I am, but no, you know.…

Well, my understanding is that you got into acting for other reasons that related to supporting your family.

And I’ll just nod. But, yeah. Look, me and a couple of friends, we were kinda doing these little skits. But every kid does. Every kid acts a little bit in that way. And then, just, I found myself in the position that family things…finding I can support the family through doing it: That’s why I’m doing it. And I do have an absolute love/hate relationship with it. And I think that is quite a healthy thing.

Have you ever tried to seriously get out of acting?

What does “seriously” mean? I had a couple of moments where I was like, “I never went to college. I have no education. I want to do that.” But it was short-lived. I do try occasionally and then, like, “Oh, come on.” This…I do…

You’re trying right now to say that you actually like acting?

Yeah. Yeah.

What were the family circumstances that pushed you into the industry?

Oh, different things, health stuff. Things like that. And factious Britain. That’s what it was as well.

Your dad, who was a pilot and a financial adviser, and later married Gloria Steinem—seems like he was an interesting man.

He was a character. Yes. He was full of adventure. He’s the only reason that I didn’t flinch in thinking this is possible. He wasn’t unrealistic, but he was like, “Unless you do just go for it, then of course it’s not [possible].” His influence is the reason why I never felt like, “Shit, I need to have a safety net.” He was a roamer. And he wasn’t in the right place. So we moved a fair bit. But you know what it was good for is understanding: Hey, even if you find yourself sitting in a truck, one week out of a house, where you’re having to go live on someone’s couch for a month, whatever… You go, “It will be all right.” You know? You sort it out. He was remarkable at doing that. And not being panicked about that sort of thing, which I think gave a reckless enough attitude that doing what I do didn’t seem reckless in the slightest. Oh, no work? Potentially no work forever? All good. Hey, it’s all going to be all right. So I think that definitely was the reason I have the attitude I do towards what I do now.

He died when you were still in your 20s. Did that leave a mark?

Of course. Of course. How about you? You have parents?

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I have parents. I also have a question for you about this, which is: Your father passes in 2003. Right around then you take some pretty extreme parts in films—I’m thinking of The Machinist, for which you lost a dangerous amount of weight, and then Rescue Dawn, which you shot with Werner Herzog in the Thai jungle. Do you feel like the two things were connected?

He certainly was never boring. And he certainly always taught me that being boring is a sin. And so maybe it did have some connection in there, you know? But I’ve always gravitated towards, you know, the fantastic dream that someone like Werner Herzog has, and how they go through it and the way they approach it and you just dig in. That reminds me of my father a great deal. Unorthodox thinkers who are going to go do it even if everyone is screaming that they’re absolutely crazy.

**You’ve supported yourself doing this for a long time, and I know sometimes you were barely getting roles, and then sometimes there were moments when you really were noticed as an actor, post–**American Psycho, for instance—

Which, by the way, that’s when I first heard of GQ. Right? As a kid, growing up in small towns, Wales, England, I didn’t know what GQ was. And so my first reference for it was that Patrick Bateman loved GQ. Right? And, and they would say things like, “Total GQ.” So I have this impression that GQ is by and for yuppie serial killers. And anyone reading this is a yuppie serial killer.

I’m sure everyone reading this appreciates that. That movie is successful in an iconic way that probably, for the first time up to that point, gave you some choices, right?

Well, in honesty, the first thing was that I’d taken so long trying to do it, and they had paid me the absolute minimum they were legally allowed to pay me. And I had a house that I was sharing with my dad and my sister and that was getting repossessed. So the first thing was: “Holy crap. I’ve got to get a bit of money,” because I’ve got American Psycho done, but I remember one time sitting in the makeup trailer and the makeup artists were laughing at me because I was getting paid less than any of them. And so that was my motivation after that. Was just: “I got to get enough that the house doesn’t get repossessed.”

For a second you were thinking of your career as “I just need to find a way to get paid.”

Yeah. It’s how I’ve supported people since I was 12, 13 years old. So it’s always been there, that element to it. There was never a moment where it was like, “I think I’d like to take four years off.” No. That just isn’t gonna happen. That’s not possible.

I’m surprised to hear that you were getting paid so little: Was that the nature of American Psycho or was it the nature of your position in the industry at the time?

Uh, it was the nature of me in it. Nobody wanted me to do it except the director. So they said they would only make it if they could pay me that amount. I was prepping for it when other people were playing the part. I was still prepping for it. And, you know, it moved on. I lost my mind. But I won it back.

One of the people who was briefly cast ahead of you in the part was Leonardo DiCaprio. I’ve seen it reported that you lost at least five roles to DiCaprio in the ’90s, including Titanic.

Oh, dude. It’s not just me. Look, to this day, any role that anybody gets, it’s only because he’s passed on it beforehand. It doesn’t matter what anyone tells you. It doesn’t matter how friendly you are with the directors. All those people that I’ve worked with multiple times, they all offered every one of those roles to him first. Right? I had one of those people actually tell me that. So, thank you, Leo, because literally, he gets to choose everything he does. And good for him, he’s phenomenal.

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Did you ever take that personally?

No. Do you know how grateful I am to get any damn thing? I mean, I can’t do what he does. I wouldn’t want the exposure that he has either. And he does it magnificently. But I would suspect that almost everybody of similar age to him in Hollywood owes their careers to him passing on whatever project it is.

You broke in as a child actor and know as well as anyone how hard it is for young people to transition into being adult actors. Why do you think you were able to?

I think it hearkens back to that love/hate thing. Because I was never that kid that’s going, “Please. Yeah, I’ll do jazz hands.” I never was that. I often sabotaged things intentionally. I often just didn’t turn up, just was a no-show on stuff, on auditions and whatnot. Fucking awful at auditions as well, because it’s not how I work. I’m like, “I don’t know to do this right now, sitting here. I need to think.” But yeah, I always felt different when I would meet other kids who were doing it. I would sit there going, “Oh, fucking hell. I’m nothing like these kids, actually.” They wanted it, and I didn’t even know if I wanted it.

Eventually you moved to LA, though: How come?

I came here for work. And then I would always go back. But I never got any work back in England. And I’d always get work out here. And then I brought my dad out because, for his health, the climate and everything was much better here.

Did you socialize with other young actors or young Hollywood?

Nothing to do with it. Never met ’em. Never wanted to. If ever I found myself anywhere near it, I was like, “Nah, ah, ah, ah,” and then went the other direction. Oh, you know what? When I did Velvet Goldmine, we did all hang out. I was older by then. I was 23.

But Velvet Goldmine was a movie about a bunch of young cool people hanging out! The part required that.

Exactly. I just have found that there’s wonderful actors who chat and get to know each other and hang out and then act wonderfully. And I can’t do it. And that’s my own limitations with that. I don’t make it into a thing. I just sort of know when I’m going to not be able to separate the person from the character that they’re playing.

“Stay away from me, except for on the set.”

I’m literally like: “I can’t do this because I will be the worst actor you’ve ever seen if we keep on chatting.” You know, with Amsterdam, I had to say that to Chris Rock. I had to go there and say that to him. I fucking love his stand-up. And when he arrived I was like, “Ah, wow, great. Yeah, how you doing, man?” Chatting a little bit. And then I went to do a scene, and I went, “Oh, my God. I’m just Christian, standing here, being a fan of Chris Rock.” So I went to him. I went, “Mate, I got to keep my distance.” Have you tried swimming and laughing at the same time? I don’t know about you. I’d drown. I cannot laugh and swim at the same time. It’s that. So I had to, much as I would’ve loved to have kept on chatting and talking.

How did he react to that?

He went, “Oh, you’re pulling the asshole card. You’re going to be an asshole and not talk.” And I went, “Yeah. Sorry, mate.” And it was my loss, you know?

Now I’m imagining Chris Rock being mad at Batman. I wonder: What was it like to be at the center of something so big and culturally dominant as those three Batmanmovies you did with Christopher Nolan?

I always just felt like it was a thing that someone else did, really, in a lot of ways. I was like, “Oh, yeah. That thing happened over there. And that’s doing very well over there, I hear. That’s great.” And I’m going off to Ralphs, the supermarket, to get bananas.

Was there a part of you, when those movies really worked, that was worried that you’d be stuck being Batman forever?

Yeah, but I loved it. I loved that because I was like, “This could be it. I could never be anything but that.” And for a lot of people, I won’t. I was like, “Ah, maybe I’m going to be forced to go do something different. And maybe this fucking thing that I got forced into doing as a kid that I didn’t fucking want to do in the first place, I’m out. And I’m free.” And then it didn’t happen.

Christian Bale pulls up to the same diner in Santa Monica a few days later, a little late again, and says he’s experiencing déjà vu: “What did I say last time? I forgot my car by the freeway? That again.” Same booth. Same murky Los Angeles characters moving past the booth like sharks at an aquarium. Same Civil War beard.

“My apologies for bringing you here again,” he says. He tells me he thought about taking me dirt biking instead. “But I was like, you can’t talk with anyone when you’re doing that. You’re just going”—he mimes turning the throttle on a motorcycle. “Which maybe would be my dream.”

As it happens, he says, he used to race motorcycles himself. He holds out his left arm: “Metal, all metal, like 20, 25 screws all the way up and down.”

Your left arm is all metal?

No, the collarbone’s all titanium. [My wrist] looks like a bottle opener—if you were to open me up, there’s a big metal piece holding my wrist together, and screws in my knee as well for it. Which just shows my enthusiasm outweighed my skill. I stopped doing it after that. My daughter was very unhappy with the cost of the taxi to come to the hospital to pick me up. And, uh, told me no more spending the family money that way.

C​oat, $4,200, by Salvatore Ferragamo. Vintage shirt by Abercrombie & Fitch from The Society Archive. Pants, $498, by Polo Ralph Lauren.

Do you miss it?

Ah, yes, definitely. Yeah, it’s hypnotizing, it’s absolutely wonderful. I mean, look, I definitely know that nobody would’ve enjoyed it if there wasn’t an element of danger to it, of course. Um…but it’s just enormous exhilaration. Strangely relaxing and exhilarating at the same time. Hypnotizing in a wonderful way.

[Here, my tape recorder fails and he helps me find the iPhone app to record our conversation.]

Look in the Utilities section; usually it’s there, because I use it all the time.

What do you use it for?

Just talking to myself. Also dialect stuff. Or when I’m interviewing people. I realized that after we were talking the other day because you were at one point like, “Well, I’m not going to be the one answering questions in this interview.” And usually, that’s what I’m saying. That’s how I view my job. I’m like, “No, I’m the one who interviews and listens to people and then goes and does something. But I’m not the one who gets interviewed.” That’s why I’m always trying to sort of pretend like I’m talking about something but not really saying anything. But I’ve got hoards of wonderful recordings of all the different real people I’ve played. I’m still sitting on that. And then my kids as well.

How do your kids feel about you recording them?

Oh, they love it. There’s nothing better for getting people’s attention than imitating them, right? There’s definitely moments where they’ll be ignoring you completely, and then what you do is, you do an impersonation of them. And they are spellbound. You start pretending to be them, and everybody, they lean in. It’s the instant way of getting people’s attention.

That seems like a good move for a four-time Oscar-nominated actor. I’m not sure about it for myself.

Nah, anybody. Everybody loves it. Oh, you got to try it. Think about it. If I sit with you and you realize that I’ve studied you enough that I can actually imitate you, whether it’s a good impersonation or not, but I’ve looked at you enough that I can say, “You know, Zach, this is what you’re like, and this is what you did.” And I act it out. It’s fascinating to people. They kind of go, “Oh, my God, somebody paid that much attention to me?” I think that’s what is going on in their heads. But instantly, you’ve got their attention, and then you can say whatever you wanna say after that.

That’s a funny view of humanity, that we need to be flattered before we pay attention.

You want to be seen!

You told me this is the same booth you and David O. Russell sat in to work onAmsterdam. How did you guys first meet?

I did an audition for [Three Kings] where he didn’t even want me in the room. And I actually sort of insulted him. He knew who he wanted to cast for the role. But I think he was just being polite and seeing other people. So he was busy working away on a script or whatever, letting the casting director run the show. So I sat there like, “Oh, you’ve got nothing to say? You’re sitting there doing this strong silent thing, you’re gonna say nothing?” And so he kind of looked at me, and there was a little fire in his eyes, and he says to me, “All right, you know how I want you to do it? Remember Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone?” And he slaps his hands on his face, and does the big look, and he says, “That’s the feel. I want to get that feel from this reading now.”

Someone asking you to do an audition like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone**—that’s a “fuck you.”**

Oh, yeah. But I love him to death. And it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Coat, $4,995, and shirt, $295, by Dolce & Gabbana. Necklace, $6,400, by David Yurman.

You said you guys collaborated on the Amsterdam script. You’re also a producer on the film. What does that mean?

I will qualify it by saying that, after David, I’m the person who’s been on the project longest. Does it mean I’m spending money on it? No. I’m not doing any of that. It’s more of a creative producer you would call it.

You’re a producer on The Pale Blue Eye too, right?

Again, very generously, Scott asked me. Which really comes from my working relationship with David and Scott. They both said, “Hey…yeah, have at it,” you know?

I —

Actually, sorry, sorry. I do just want to say, with David specifically, I went, “Mate, we have come up with something special. I want everything at my disposal to protect what you’ve created right now. I don’t want to find that we end up making a different film and you can’t tell me.” So yeah, I did actually say to him, “Mate, do it.” So I can’t actually say if he would have asked me or not.

Incredible.

Yeah, so I did realize that was my wishful thinking, that he would have asked. But he didn’t. But I hope I was a help and not burden to him.

“There is value in storytelling, you know? I’m going to sound like a total wanker, but the way I like to do it is, you try to destroy yourself in order to build up another character.”

The character you play in Amsterdam, Burt—that feels like a guy you can’t even write down, he’s so specific to you and your performance. I wonder where all these different guys come from. I know it’s the job, to play different parts, but that’s not what most actors actually do.

Well, there’s different approaches to this job, and each one is a good one. You get people who are just undeniably charismatic bastards, and you want them to do the same thing, and if they do something else, I get upset. I’m like, “I love you doing that one thing because that’s reliable, and that’s bloody entertaining.” And you know, that’s not how I do it, but I want all of it. I was thinking about your question about, like, “What the fuck did you do Thor for?” And—

That was not the way I phrased that question!

Well, that was the impression I was getting from the way you asked it. You were like, “Yeah, okay, what the fuck was Thor about?” But I love those films. I love them. There’s a mood and a time for every single one, and I do have a firm belief that every single kind of film can be done brilliantly.

For the record, the question was not “Why the fuck did you do Thor**?” It’s obvious that you, as a creative person navigating a creative career, would work with David O. Russell, who has already gotten you nominated for two Oscars.** Thor is less obvious.

Yeah, no. I genuinely love the films that David and I have made, you know what I mean? It’s the process of doing that because I’ve got no control over the rest of it. So it’s the process with David. Even though we’re not always having what people would term a pleasant day, but we both are absolutely there knowing that we’re totally clued into each other. And so we’re either sort of running down the beach, hugging, or it’s just not talking for weeks on end.

David is well known for having difficult sets: You mentioned Three Kings; that was a rough set for certain people. Huckabees was a rough set for certain people. American Hustle too. What is your experience of those environments?

If I can have some sense of understanding of where it’s coming from, then I do tend to attempt to be a mediator. That’s just in my nature, to try to say, “Hey, come on, let’s go and sit down and figure that out. There’s gotta be a way of making this all work.”

After American Hustle**, Amy Adams came out and said she cried many days on that set. And it’s been reported that you intervened on her behalf with David and were like, “Back off.”**

Mediator.

So that did happen? You’re nodding your head yes. Okay. Does that make you feel differently about the finished film, having seen that happen and having to intervene?

No. No, no, no. No. You’re dealing with two such incredible talents there. No, I don’t let that get in the way whatsoever. Look, if I feel like we got anywhere close—and you only ever get somewhere close to achieving; our imagination is too incredible to ever entirely achieve it—but if you get anywhere close to it, and when you’re working with people of the crazy creative talent of Amy or of David, there are gonna be upsets. But they are fucking phenomenal. Also, you got to remember, it was the nature of the characters as well. Right? Those characters were not people who back down from anything, right?

I had the experience of rewatching the film again and asking myself: Should my knowledge that Amy had a tough time with the director while making this affect my enjoyment of it?

No. No. And, by the way, that’s not me deciding for her, she’s told me that.

She said, “It’s okay, American Hustle can live on.”

Yeah. Yes. Absolutely, yeah.

What about you? How do you feel about how you handled it in retrospect?

I did what I felt was appropriate, in very Irv style.

​​Sweater, $3,250, by Loro Piana. Jeans, $1,550, by Balenciaga. His own sunglasses by Ray-Ban.

Your Irv role in American Hustle is comedic in a way that felt new for you.

No one had asked me for it before. So, suddenly, that happened. And people went, “Oh. Can you do that thing?” You occasionally get a role where you get to do something totally bloody different. And then that opens up a whole different menu, you know? It’s a breath of fresh air…. I think there’s also a certain amount of age that brings that out more, you know.

Last time, I asked you, do you have a theory of why you’ve been successful as a leading man. And you were very deliberately like, “I don’t.”

Well, one thing I definitely think is, I’ve never considered myself a leading man. It’s just boring. You don’t get the good parts. Even if I play a lead, I pretend I’m playing like, you know, the fourth, fifth character down, because you get more freedom. I also don’t really think about the overall effect that [a character’s] going to have. It’s for me to play around, much like animals and children do. Have tunnel vision about what you’re doing, not think about the effect you’re having. You know, I’ve learned some things, very basic—like I used to always turn away from the camera if I had a moment that I thought might be a bit embarrassing. And, you know, literally, the camera operator would have to say, “It was probably great, Christian, but we couldn’t see anything, because you keep turning your head away. Like, please, you’ve got to understand that while this might be a moment in life that somebody wants privacy for, on film, you got to let us in. All right?”

Are you talking about your own embarrassment or the character’s?

If you’re not playing an extreme exhibitionist, or perhaps someone who’s being insincere with their emotions, nobody tends to cry and turn to the whole room, you know? People recognize it’s a moment they’re having, and they cry quietly to themselves, and if you’re too aware of the camera, you turn away from the camera as well, because you go, like, “I can’t have them witness this either.” It’s just natural. Human.

You have to be 95 percent human and in character and 5 percent aware of—

We’re telling a story. And there is value in story-telling, you know? I’m going to sound like a total wanker, but the way I like to do it is, you fucking try to destroy yourself in order to then build up another character. Now, I’ve done many films that you’d look at and go, “Really? It was worth doing it for that piece of shit?” But you sort of try to destroy yourself so that you’re not bothered by humiliation anymore. You’re not embarrassed, because you are as much as possible—and I did begin the sentence with saying I’m going to sound like a wanker here—forgetting that it’s you, completely. Which actually brings me to quite a funny point, because I think, as you know, I don’t know when I last did a thing like this where I actually talk for any length of time, right? So I’m used to just ducking and diving and saying fucking nothing and pretending I’m saying something, and I’m not saying anything, and then it’s over, okay?

And after I last talked to you, there were a couple of things going on—a friend of mine was having a bit of trouble, he contacted me and needed some help and stuff, and I was thinking about that then, but then I also went, “What a terrible mistake I’ve made doing these interviews with Zach.” Like, “Oh, fuck. He deserves me to actually talk to him, and all I’m trying to do is just fucking say nothing, or just go, ‘Eh, I’ve said this before, let’s not say nothing new here at all.’ ” I love movies getting released theatrically, and I’m genuinely concerned that’s going to stop happening. The Pale Blue Eye has got the Netflix safety net. Amsterdam doesn’t. I’m going, “Oh, fuck.” People have always told me this kind of stuff helps. I never believed it. But, I was like, “Oh, well, all right.” I care. I care, you know? This is not the sort of life I get to lead playing characters. This is realpolitik world of like, “Fucking hell. I want to be able to keep doing this.” So, that was my original motivation. I went, “Yeah, all right. Okay. Maybe this is the moment for that.”

Regarding you and me—did you just tell me that you spent our last conversation trying to say nothing?

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean?

I couldn’t tell if what you were saying is that you went home after the last one and were like, “Next time, Zach deserves the truth.”

You’re looking for something more. Not that it wasn’t the truth, but I was like, “Oh, man.” Yeah. I was like, “How do I do this but at the same time respect what you’re looking for?”

“I just don’t bother with that half-measure gear. I go, ‘Ah, nah, I’m good,’ or ‘Oh, really? Yeah, let’s go further than anyone’s gone before.’ It makes life more entertaining.”

Did you feel after our last conversation that you had successfully stymied me or avoided answering the questions?

It wasn’t that. It was territory I hadn’t been in for a long time, so I didn’t know what had happened. I was just going, “Oh, yeah.” I left kind of going, “What happened? Did I give him anything or was he like, ‘Fucking hell. There was nothing in there’?” And, by the way, should we be talking about other things? Because, I’m feeling like a very egotistical bastard.

You mean like things that are not Christian Bale?

Yeah. I don’t know, what do most people talk about? Because I feel like we’re talking about me a lot.

That is kind of the point of this exercise.

Yeah, but you can, you know, I don’t know. Is it rampant vanity going on here? I don’t know. I like being in your shoes. I like sitting down with real people and interviewing them, getting all the information, taking my tape recorder away, transcribing it, and then figuring out the character. I’m not used to someone else trying to do that to me.

I hate to break it to you but you’re a real person too.

What?!

Jacket, $3,490, by Fendi Men’s. Sweater, $1,790, by Tom Ford. Pants, $1,750, and boots, $1,590, by Balenciaga. Watch, $28,300, by Rolex.

I’m trying to think about what else we could talk about that’s not you.

Well, my interests and passions are still in the realm of me, right? For like 10 years, I’ve been trying to put together this... If I have my family history correct, one of my sisters was in foster care for a while—which should be irrelevant; you shouldn’t have to have a personal connection to care—but LA County has more foster children than [almost anywhere else] in the United States of America. And most people have no clue about that. And I came across an organization that was started after World War II in Austria. That’s SOS Children’s Villages, and I flew to Chicago and I visited them. And it’s a great organization that helps to keep siblings from being separated.

Which is a thing that apparently happened to you.

Apparently. It was an older sister. So, I have no memory, but if my family history is correct, yes. But I do want to say, actually, it shouldn’t matter. People should give a damn about kids because they’re kids, for God’s sake. Right? But I went, “All right, maybe I can buy a piece of land out here [to help start] Children’s Villages California.” I envisioned The Sound of Music and all these happy kids who’d come from trauma running around like, what are they called? The Von Trapp family? I’ve never seen the film. But then I learned I was desperately unrealistic with that. The whole point is integration into community. And so it took forever, finally, and I have wonderful partners, so we just purchased five acres and we are now building with the purpose of keeping siblings together. And if they wish to stay in that place until they’re 21, they stay there until they’re 21. So we’re putting this together now and I have to go into something which is unknown territory for me: fundraising. I’m not good at asking for help from anybody. I’ve got to learn how to do that.

Can’t you just invent a character that’s a very effective fundraiser and play that character?

Exactly. When I went through years where I wasn’t getting work, there were times when, you know, I was looking through like, “Oh, what’s my insurance policy, because the tree just fell from the neighbor’s yard?” And I was like, “I can’t read that.” But I went, “I will become a character who loves nothing more in life than reading insurance policies.” And I read it back to front, and then I called my State Farm representative and I went through it, and they were exhausted. They said, “We’ve never had anybody be this thorough with anything.” But, you’re exactly right. I have to become somebody who loves it, who loves doing that.

Listening to you talk about how deep you are in this project makes me wonder: Do you have a half-measure gear?

I just don’t bother with that half-measure gear. I go, “Ah, nah, I’m good,” or “Oh, really? Yeah, let’s go further than anyone’s gone before.” It makes life more entertaining.

Is that a taxing way to live?

I like being exhausted. I like to exhaust myself. I wanna be totally fucking used up, you know, by the end. It takes you to a place. You know what I mean?

Zach Baron is GQ’s senior staff writer.

PRODUCTION CREDITS: Photographs by Gregory Harris Styling by Mobolaji Dawodu Grooming by David Cox using Kevin Murphy Set design by Heath Mattioli for Frank Reps Produced by Patrick Mapel and Alicia Zumback at Camp Productions

[deusvervemakesgames]

Project RBH Devlog 0026

I lied I found another thing to do to procrastinate making my upgrades spreadsheet.

Okay, before we get into that, I’m going to backpedal a bit to something I talked about last week: the camera.

As I mentioned and demonstrated, it was having a strange problem with how it would only have a significant motion when you crossed an invisible threshold dividing the screen into four quadrants. I ended up scraping the code I had and went looking for how other people had done similar code, which allowed me to find a new math formula to calculate where it should be, and this new formula worked much better—as you can tell from playing the latest build. (Public access now available!)

I do however have to figure out what I’m going to do for controller input because this system is based on the location of the mouse. I have some ideas for it—GameMaker Studio has a specific check for if a controller is plugged in which I can use to change the code to something else entirely, but at the moment the camera will not work properly with controller.

I also realized there was a significant oversight in my code, which I mentioned in the Known Issues of that latest build. Namely, that while I have code to remove upgrades from the upgrade list, I don’t have a way to put them back in when the player dies. As a result, with every run, the pool of potential upgrades get smaller and smaller until there’s nothing left but those upgrades that never run out. This, luckily, turned out to be an easy fix.

The upgrade list is created in what’s called a Global Script. A Global Script runs at the start of the game, making it extremely useful for setting up a lot of variables. The Bullet System also uses Global Scripts, actually, so define a bunch of bullet behaviors that I can call remotely.

What I realized is that I can reset all of the upgrades in the upgrade list by running that script again. However, a Global Script cannot be called to run in code like other scripts can, so I turned it into a normal function script, so that when I run the code to reset the player’s bullet behavior on death I can also empty out the upgrade list and completely reset it. The only issue is that I have to have something manually tell the game to run this code before running the dungeons so that there’s actually a list of upgrades for the upgrade system to reference or the game will explode. Not exactly a problem just something I have to keep in mind. Since I can put code into an individual level that runs whenever the player moves to that level, I can easily find a place to run this code.

Now then, that thing I mentioned back at the start. It’s been about six months since I started recording my progress with this game, and there was a feature I had in my earliest builds before I started this DevLog series that I wanted to have but needed some more work that I never got around to. Namely, I wanted drones that can follow the player around and shoot at what the player shoots at. So I did it.

The actual code for the drones was already in place, like I just said, though I had to update a lot of it based on how development had changed various aspects of the code it referenced.

I also added in a way to have multiple drones following the player around, spaced apart so that they don’t all overlap, as you can see them in a line in the GIF.

However, the line only extends to the left. While the Follow Player movement code works, this static line of the drones makes them somewhat uninteresting and also limits their functionality because they’re always on the left so they’ll have an easier time aiming to your left. I’ll have to find a different way to have them follow the player, maybe something like MegaMan’s Leaf weapon thing that orbits him?

I also intend to add more varieties of drones in the future, that is to say, drones that each have their own attack patterns. Like a drone that fires every few seconds but has a powerful attack compared to a weak rapid-fire drone. I can also have the drones automatically shoot enemies instead of shooting where the player is aiming.

But all of that comes later. This time, this time, I am out of things to procrastinate with other than bug fixes, so I must descend into the spreadsheet once more.

Until next Devlog!

-DeusVerve

Special thanks to my Tier 3 Patrons, Haelerin and Christos Kempf!

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