#and i think just a year from now most of these triggers wont be severe anymore

[frecklystars]

god im so excited for the Barbie movie today. I might be a bit tense while seeing my triggers on screen but honestly I’ve been doing so so so well handling my ptsd the last few weeks and I'm very proud of myself!!!!!

there’s a few triggers I’ve been actively working on reclaiming and I KNOW I’m going to be okay watching the movie bc I am not letting anybody take this from me. I know I’m gonna wanna see it more than once. I even bought myself a cute pink skirt for it ;w;

[googoobabajogwick]

Hot knife chpt:2

description: the day had finally came.

triggers: talks of violence against women, mentions of smut but not graphic, unhealthy coping mechanisms and unhealthy relationships, a break up.. reader is still unhinged...

word count: 6.8k

mini authors note: lol surprise ! things wont always be this fast...

<---->

Hot Knife Chapter Two: Watch Him Rain on My Parade

Well his promise lasted for longer than you thought.

Sixteen years to be exact. 

You couldn't lie, it was the best time of your life. Living with your soulmate felt like living in paradise. It was a very messy break up. Of course you had tried several times to hurt him, destroy his cars, houses, steal his money, everything. Although you weren’t married you made his life a living hell for the first year after breaking up.

It hurt, really bad. You did not like being hurt. Thoughts of marriage, real marriage, were running through your head. The two of you had best decided that since your lifestyles were so much different than the average civilians you both just ended up giving each other your own marker. That was the closest thing to marriage you were going to get. Plus it was so much more intimate, a blood oath. 

Yet when you were with him, you still thought about rings, would you take his last name or would he take yours? You’d ask him, never one to shy away from what you were thinking and he’d entertain them like he’d always had but that’s all it was, entertaining. Then it happened. What was just a small scratch on your brain became a full on obsession. 

It was on your mind all the time. Spending holidays together, neither of you ever waking up to an empty bed to complete a private contract, a dog and a cat. You imagined a small little cabin in the woods, you with your best friend, your boyfriend maybe even someday husband in solitaire. Hunting, fishing, gardening, sitting by the fire at night…

That was your life before and you wanted to bring him to that life. You knew he’d do well because if he loved you then he’d have to love the outdoors but you also knew that he was a man who loved the quiet life and to be alone. The obsession grew and grew to the point you were so sure even he’d want to follow you. 

The two of you were filthy rich at this point.. What if you just did it? Then you could actually have a life together. It was funny at first because you were the crazy one. You loved taking hits and leaving there bloodier than you entered, why would you ever want to leave this job? But your Jardani or should you now say John, was in his prime and living out the fame of being the most feared man on earth. 

You scoffed at the name John Wick. You knew he said he made that his name due to a rough translation/ homage to his real name, but it was quite funny the name he used to instill fear in peoples minds, was the same name you used to degrade him during sex. You still could remember the first time you brought up leaving and when you left like it was yesterday. 

Laughing, you straddled John— who was back in his boxers after a good couple rounds of sex— as he now prefered to be called. The two of you were horndogs and that never went away the entire sixteen years you were together. You were wearing his U.S. Marines shirt from his service time many years ago. It was your favorite, big and comfortable.

You had just gotten back from cleaning yourself up in the bathroom. He had scolded you for calling him Jardani. It was John now, John Wick officially. Though he’d never care if you continued to call him by his real name. Especially when it sounded so sweet coming from your lips. 

Things had been tense but like always, he made everything better. He knew what to say every time or should you say, he always knew what to do. How to make you feel loved. You gave him a slight smack for his comment while you were in the bathroom.

“I just still can’t get over it, Jonathan Wick? Like John Wick?” You laughed, “I’m going to feel like I’m domming you every time I address you.” He laughed.

“I wouldn’t call it “domming” me, more like, me worshiping the woman I love by letting her have her way?” John was not a man who was dominated.

“Fine but I know your dirty little secret.” You smiled.

Before you could say anything else he pulled you down so your head was on his shoulder. His cue for ‘no more talking.’ The two of you laid there cuddling, with you on top of him for what felt like hours before you just couldn’t get the idea out of your head. You tried to push it away but it wasn’t working. Deciding to trust communication once again you asked, 

“Dani, what if we left? You change your name to John Wick— or something else, I change mine and we just go live together somewhere in the woods? I think you’d do well out there.”

You’d opened up to John about how you grew up in the woods, before you were orphaned, your parents killed by cops. Hunting was in your blood and you also craved isolation. Being off the grid sounded nice. You really were all over the place. A girl who everyone thought was attractive, confident, smart, every aspect that would lead to someone being extroverted but instead you were blunt, quiet and you often disliked conversation. 

The cover didn’t not match the book. 

Even when John met you all those years ago at twelve when he met you with The Director. There was something dark and cold about you that made her sure you’d be a good team. You’d marched right up to him and ordered him to go get you a glass of water from wherever was closest and when he refused you called him swine and spit on his face. He couldn’t lie, although he really wanted to punch you across the face, you were cute. 

How far you two came was crazy. You were hopeful but a lot of that hope went down the drain when you saw his face. It was something between a, ‘you can't be serious.’ And a, ‘You’ve got to be joking.’ You felt like you were going to puke, which you had done the day before. The idea of leaving plagued your mind and the nerves got to you. 

Nervous thoughts that you’d make yourself out to be the idiot you were scared of becoming all those years ago. Perhaps you were as stupid as you were afraid you were going to get. Your heart started to race and you wanted to be anywhere but in front of him.

You stood up and pulled up your pants without even looking at him. It was starting, all the hurt you knew was eventually going to happen had caught up. John was confused, grabbing for his shirt while calling your name. You glared at him and were so furious you almost hit him. It didn’t take a lot to get you angry, but angry enough to want to hit him was a lot. 

“Woah! What are you doing?” He asked.

“You take me for a fool you asshole. Well, you genius, I do want to get out. I’m done with this shit. You have days to decide, I’m doing a couple hits and I’m gone. Ghost.” You sneered at him. 

The two of you had already been arguing a lot lately and it didn’t help that you could go from zero to one hundred real quick. He was always taking contracts but the long ones and the big ones. The ones that took weeks to months, ones where he’d come home bleeding a life threatening amount. Jardani no doubt was a natural, you were too but you preferred to be fastidious with the hits you’d take. 

It was like when you both started dating the two of you switched personalities. You became more open with him and he got harder to talk to. Either choosing to not talk at all or acting like everything was fine. Then he joined the Marines and you would miss him for months, he'd come back and accept some contracts. That’s not to say you didn’t spend any time together but he was always gone.

Always promising that he’d take you on vacation only to call the day before your flight and tell you that he had to stay a couple more days. It was a cycle. John would come home, you’d be sobbing, he’d stand there in silence, making you feel like you were going insane, as you yelled at him, the two of you would sleep in separate rooms until he’d apologize. Then the two of you would have sex and everything would be right in the world again.

Till the next time and there was always a next time. All you wanted was to spend time with him and to be with him. His solution? Take more hits together. You almost smacked him. Why in the world would you want to go out and risk your life assassinating someone— or more like some people because a hit designed for two people wasn’t small— when cuddling, eating and sex were on your mind?

“I think we should talk about this.” Jardani grabbed your wrist and you ripped it away. 

He looked shocked but was glad you didn’t smack him across the face like you would every time he’d touch you when you didn’t want to be touched. This was normal as of late but you never acted so upset over words that weren’t even said! 

You glared at him while running around the apartment to find a to go bag so you could stay at The Continental for two days while you prepared your leave. John was playing stupid, at least that’s what you told yourself. Your eyes burned but you held the tears back.

“No. I want a yes or no. Two days.” You grabbed your bag and left. 

Physically leaving was going to be easy as you had made a friend named Algo. Algo was short for Algorithm. She was a woman you met through a friend’s friend. She needed help with an abusive boyfriend, so you helped her. Algo happened to be an amazing hacker, so much so she had helped you make real deal fake IDs and hack into government records. 

You could never get away with living a normal life so that’s what you planned to be, a vigilante, but one that helped women who needed help. Algo would be your right hand woman. She would and could find anything you needed, she could also erase anything you needed or even hide. She’d become a good friend in the past few months you’ve known her.

You took the hits being more brutal than ever. Much more blunt force, knives stranglings and dismembering than usual. You were perfect with a gun but sometimes preferred to get dirtier, scarier. 

Like John had his pencil story, due to your medical knowledge your story was that you sedated a man till he was half asleep and amputated his leg off, you told him his sons would be eating it if he didn’t fess up what you wanted to know. 

Making a man watch his own amputation was a story that got around. Mad doctor they called you, Dr. Death, Angel of death (a popular one it seemed) and Hel, the Goddess of Death. Sometimes even you couldn’t understand your constant comparison to Goddesses but it certainly fed your ego. How could it not? It’s not how you wanted to live your life though. 

So many missed calls from Jardani, voicemails asking you to please talk to him, texts telling you he loved you but you should think about everything. That this was so sudden and you weren’t thinking right. After that text you blocked him. How dare he. You knew he’d show up to The Continental, he already had, but Charon wouldn’t let him know what room you were in. Even for multiple gold coins. 

“I’m sorry sir, she does not wish to be disturbed.” Charon’s proper and deep voice would respond every time. 

John had gotten so desperate he’d hang around the hotel or even outside. Still he never saw you. The anguish got terrible to the point he was convinced you were sneaking out somehow and scared a poor maid, stopping her in her tracks to look through her cart. You weren’t there and Winston scolded him for scaring the life out of his staff. He went home, if you didn’t want him finding you, you wouldn’t be found. 

You were always too good at that. 

The day finally came as you sat packing your bags. John walked into your shared apartment and stared at your actions. This was the first time he’d seen you since you left. He looked at you with sadness in his eyes that you didn’t want to look at. You heard a sigh and still didn’t look up as you packed the last of your things. If you looked at him, you may change your mind.

“You were being serious?” 

You were going to hit him.

“Was I being serious? Why the fuck would I lie about that? And how I just left you? Also if you haven’t noticed I’ve been pretty dry. Are you fucking stupid?” Yes, you were being rude but you also felt like he was flushing sixteen years down the drain. 

“Mia dea, Why would we leave? We are invincible in this world.”

“Maybe I just want to feel normal.” You cried.

“Maybe we aren’t normal.” 

You paced while biting your nails on one hand while the other rubbed your stomach. The two of you had been together so long, you loved him so much. The more you thought about it though, what if you did want kids in the future? Jardani would be the only man you’d ever let father your kids, if you were to have them. You couldn’t bring yourself to tell him your whole vision. This was humiliating enough. 

“We could try…” You sniffled.

Jardani sighed. Was this really the end? Being the most feared came with a lot of bombs in cars, home break ins, jumpings just when you wanted to run to the grocery store. They never learned their lesson, and you didn’t want to live that life anymore. Plus you hated working for the high table, you wanted to do your own shit. 

“Are you saying no? Are we ending things right now? You felt defeated and like you were about to throw up. 

“I would never want things to end, I just don’t think we should leave. Why don’t you try thinking about it more? Please.” He pleaded with you.

John walked up to you and pulled you into a hug. He kissed where your scar was, then your neck and your ear. His grip was tight and you almost wondered if he was even going to let go. Your boyfriend’s hands rubbed up and down along your hips. He pressed his forehead in the crook of your neck. 

“Come on, we can talk about this.” He went on to say more but you gaged and ripped yourself away from him. 

You ran into the bathroom and threw up. Without a second thought he came into the bathroom. 

“Get the fuck out of here!” John took a step back at how loud you screamed. 

“You just threw up. You also did a couple days before you left me, I’m worried you’re sick.” He considered kneeling by you as you threw up some more but you seemed pretty pissed. 

“It happens when I’m upset, big whoop. You should know that.” Your cheek was laying on the back of your hand that gripped the seat. “That was because I was starting to think about this.” You sobbed. 

After waiting for the nausea to pass you flushed, stood up and pushed past him to wash your hands and brush your teeth. You ignored him as you brushed but you looked exhausted. You dissociated in that bathroom going back and forth and back and forth with that stupid toothbrush but no matter how imaginative you were you couldn’t escape the horrible reality that you were breaking up. Tears streamed down your face like the faucet you were standing right in front of. 

When you finished you turned to look at him. You cried even harder at how sad he looked. You’d never seen such desperation in his watery eyes. No matter what you thought, this crushed him. John loved you so much he was almost tempted but he couldn’t, not now and not yet. Plus it seemed impossible. Everyone usually died trying, and the few that made it, never really retire. They would kill you. Too many loose ends in a life like this. 

“They will kill you… Sweetheart, please.” He wanted to hold you one more time, his skin itched to reach out and grab you.  

“You seem so sure.” You snapped at him and he looked at you like you stabbed him. 

“Don’t you ever accuse me of that. I never would, I love you, you’re my heart. No amount of money ever.” Jardani couldn’t even say it. 

You felt a bit bad because you knew he’d never hurt you, ever. To insinuate that he would kill you, well it was the thing that made John Wick cry. If he did that he couldn’t live with himself, ever. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t never feel angry with you; just deep, painful sorrow. A couple tears dripped down his face but not many.

John was raised to conceal his emotions even more than you, to the point that even in private it was difficult for him to be open with you. You began to cry harder wanting to hold and comfort him because it was more than rare for him to cry. It could be counted on one hand the amount of times he cried in front of you and each time you were there to embrace him. 

He had no idea where this was coming from. The last time you were together you went out to eat and had sex and laughed and…. Everything seemed so amazing. Still though, your mind was set. He was done with you. Your eyes flickered to your markers that were on display in your bedroom and you saw him tense.

“Please don’t.” It was a whispered plea and warning. 

Don’t leave and don’t force me.

You pushed past him, out of the bathroom, walked up to it and grabbed it. Your lip trembled as you looked at it and with one sharp intake you shoved it into your pocket and turned to grab your bags. It wouldn’t work anyways, they could always be canceled out if either one of you tried to do something evil to one another. 

“Well fuck you Jardani. So much for worshiping, serving and loving me.” 

With that you grabbed your final suitcase, you could buy whatever you didn’t have and walked to leave. He moved to grab your arm but you screamed at him making him jump back in shock before running. It was better than punching that pretty face of his. You couldn’t stop the sob that left your throat as you made your way down the street. 

“Wait! Y/N! Please let’s just talk about this!” He called out to you. 

You knew he was running after you, but all you knew was that you had to get to a certain law firm that was close by that Algo had told you about. Of course this happened. Even though you were in your thirties at this point you couldn’t help but feel like that scared nineteen year old girl was laughing in your face. Tears streamed down your face as you wiped the snot from your nose as you ran. 

He followed you until he lost you in the crowd of people. At the law firm was a woman who went by the name Anna. You would be safe there. The word safe made you cringe, you knew he’d never hurt you but safe as in, he would not be welcomed and you knew if you really didn’t want to see him, he would respect your wishes. 

*

That was almost twenty years ago but you still felt hatred for the man, even though you loved him so. Your hair had started to gray and small age wrinkles had started to appear but you were still beautiful. Aging in women is a beautiful thing and you don’t doubt that but fighting definitely isn’t as easy as it used to be. 

You had almost become “The Director” yourself, but a better one in your opinion. Using your skills you opened a secret sanctuary for women called The Izanami no Mikoto, suggested by one of the first members, a Japanese woman named Shizuoka. Women had a choice to join and all had been saved from sort of violence. All the pledge was that everyone was to get a tattoo that said F.W.I, standing for female-who-invites. 

The goal was just to protect women, that was it. You were actually surprised the organization had gone under the radar for as long as it had been but it was hard to find you with your new nickname Kalika. It was given to you by a Hindi woman who believed you emerged from the Goddess of all Goddesses. Her story, more complicated than a simple, “good or evil?” 

You always tried to push that ‘Kalika’ was everyone in the INM. Every member agreed to protect the innocent and destroy all evil.  It broke your heart to know that these women put you on such a high pedestal because you chose to protect and save them. Every woman was the goddess of her own life. Plus you didn’t want to be worshiped by the same people you considered friends. You were still just an ordinary woman.

Okay, maybe not that ordinary. 

Everyone close to you still called you by your real name but the little title helped keep you hidden. You did very good for yourself, you had the money and honestly helping women gave you a purpose you felt. Torturing evil men made you very happy. Yet there was one secret, a secret so big that nobody knew except the women of your sanctuary, that by the odds of everything you birthed, two, beautiful twin girls. 

Only months after your disappearance and break up and you found out you were pregnant. You couldn’t believe it, children were just a mere thought, nothing you ever had planned. Multiple times you had thought to tell John, perhaps that would change his mind, but you were selfish and angry. If he only wanted to leave because you had kids you would feel like he didn’t want you, and that he’d hate you. 

Instead all the women of the Izanami no Mikoto helped raise and take care of your daughters. In a way they had multiple mothers and made up so much more for the loss of a father figure, but that didn’t stop you from informing them who their father was. They just had no desire to meet him themselves. It still hurt you to know he would’ve been an amazing father. 

In fact in the twenty years since your break up you had only visited him in the ten year mark. You showed up to his house, your girls were about nine when you realized there was one more thing tying you to John. 

*

Thunder was booming in the sky as you knocked on the wooden door, your body shivered as the cold wind blew. A beautiful woman with long brown hair answered the door. Your heart was crushed at the sight but it didn’t stop the reason you were there.

“Hello, who are you?” She sounded so sweet but she looked confused and you could hear a hint of worry for you in her tone.

“Hello ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you but I’m looking for uh… Jonathan Tick?” You improvised looking down at the book and acted like you were flipping through the files in your brain for this name you knew so well. 

“Well, no Tick’s live here but the Wick’s do.” She laughed

Wick’s as in more than one. They were married. It took all your willpower to not leave right then and there.  

“Sorry, I knew it was something with Ick…” You faked a nervous laugh. “There’s a very important book I need restored and someone told me he could help.”

You’d heard he was into that business from Emily. A young girl who worked at an antique book shop but she never met him, just answered calls and paged him through to her boss. That’s all you wanted and needed to know. So you grabbed an old book you had lying around and used it as an excuse to talk to him. 

She gave you a smile but a questioning look before calling for John. When he showed up to the door his eyes widened and he felt his heart drop to his stomach. Like it was second nature he pushed Helen behind him. You being here could either be very bad or very goo- Well, there would be no good reason for you to be here. If anything could make you feel even more sick it was that action. He looked like he’d seen a ghost. 

Like you were strangers. Guess ten years would do that to you. 

You explained how you found him and why you were at his house— The book. Your ex-lover made an excuse and brought you down to the basement where before he could say anything, you pulled out the marker he gave you. The smile on your face was gone, you looked pissed and all you wanted to do was get out of there. For once you saw him look sick. 

“I don’t want this in my box of things, so I need you to do me my favor.” 

He took a deep breath, getting ready for whatever outburst could come from you after he uttered the sentence,

“I’m not in the business anymore.” 

Those simple words broke your heart more than it already was. 

“What?” 

John for once looked uncomfortable and out of control. He stepped from one foot to the other and bit his lip. You had never seen him look so nervous and so guilty. 

“I retired, for Helen.”

Ah. So Helen was her name. 

The tears threaten to fall from your eyes but after all the shit you’ve been through you wouldn’t let them, well you’d try to keep it in. You bit your lip and nodded while praying them away. Once you felt you had it under control, you walked up to him and slammed the marker into his chest.

“You dishonest piece of fucking shit, you have to honor this. Don’t make me drag you back in, except the request and live your life peacefully you dumbass.” You for once were trying to be calm and not explode. 

John looked like he was thinking for a bit. Did you not know The High Table put a hit out on you? Worldwide? After such a long time, you stopped being a priority for them. You couldn’t bring him back without bringing yourself back. What was scarier to him was the look in your eyes. It screamed that you didn’t care. Your ex lover almost wanted to ask you what you’d been up to but it wasn’t the time. 

He sighed and grabbed the marker from your hand and stared at it. The round object reminded him of so many memories you had together. He’d hear you out. If it was doable he’d honor it but if it was too dangerous he’d decline. Knowing you though, he was scared of what your request was. 

“What do you want?”

You wouldn’t even look him in the eye. As you looked around all the work in progress books and finished books that were ready to be returned to their buyers. All the framed photos of him and Helen…  The tears almost started streaming. You wanted this life and you so badly wanted to tell him that you had two beautiful daughters who were about ten. 

Then you turned to look at him. Your hands were in your pockets and your hood was still up. John was still as handsome as you remembered. Almost even looked as young as you could remember but you saw the age lines that were starting to appear. You whimpered at what you could’ve had but covered it up quickly by telling him the favor you needed.

“I need you to talk to Jimmy, a friend I have, Zuri, she killed her pimp and the police are after her. I need you to make sure they stop.” 

“You know Jimmy you could ask him your-“ You cut him off. 

“I want this fucking marker gone! I’d appreciate you letting me finish mine but I know you Jardani. You’ll wait till it’s needed. Well not me, we aren’t bound together anymore and I want this completed so you can fully be out of my life.” 

Your pants were loud, you were trying to be quiet but there was no doubt Helen heard you yelling. A tear fell, after so long of keeping them in you cried. You wiped at them in a violent manner. John wanted to hug you but he knew he couldn’t. For multiple reasons. 

“Please. Please just do this for me.” It came out as a whisper.

After a few moments of silence besides the sound of you sniffling he nodded. He could never say no to you. John couldn’t believe you were even standing in front of him. Ten years it had been. He honestly believed he’d never see you again. The whole moment felt so surreal. 

The High Table had put a bounty on your head. 

Not too big but big enough to raise the heads of a few.

Nothing ever came of it though, your name was on the list for years before it was just… Gone. 

This is why he’d do it for you, he told himself. If you dragged him back in, you’d be killed. Although it had been easier pretending you were dead instead of living your life without him at first, he even believed it once your name was off the board. Deep down he always knew you weren’t. Seeing you was weird. There was no other way to put it. 

As soon as he agreed you ran out of the house, you ignored even the questions coming from Helen as you ran. All you wanted was to get back to your girls. They were the only people you could say you ever loved more than John. 

You could try and say you never hated Helen, to say you didn’t would be a lie. Against everything you tried to tell yourself it wasn’t her. It was an obvious fact that John had mentioned you in the past, you saw it in her eyes, but did not tell her about the deepness of your love. 

Still, you couldn’t help but think, what did she have to make him leave that you didn’t? All the promises he made to you in sixteen years seemed nothing compared to the ones he made to her in five years. You didn’t want to sound like a child but it wasn’t fair. 

That’s not to say life was fair to John either, a small, muffled voice yelled to you as you listened to the information your fellow women brought to you. Helen Wick was dead, from an unknown illness. Your heart broke for the woman who died. A loss of a woman was a loss to the INM, no matter the affiliation. The thing you thought about but also told yourself you couldn’t care about was how he was feeling. 

That is until Algo informed you John Wick was going on a rampage and that it seemed he had one hour until he was excommunicato. Fourteen million was a lot, and that was a lot you could put towards helping your women. Your daughters, now at twenty were prepared and ready to go after him. After all, you trained them, with the help of your fellow survivors. 

Still you told them no. If John had known they were his kids he’d let them chop him up in a heartbeat but since he didn’t even know of their existence they’d be just another enemy, another pair of bodies. You stayed out of it. Your organization didn’t work for the high table, you were just a vigilante organization with the cover of a women's treatment facility, which it was, the fighting and training was just behind the scenes. 

To them, Kalika was another woman who just was doing what she thought was right, not the Goddess of destruction, the young girl who once trained beside Jardani Jonovoich. You thought you were safe, you thought your daughters were safe but you knew he had your marker. You’d like to believe he wouldn’t drag you into his mess but the thought scratched at the back of your head and bubbled deep within your stomach. 

*

That feeling in your stomach was right. You don’t know how, but he found you. Well maybe you had a mini idea but you didn't even want to think about that right now. Avoidance; That was common with you. Your daughters were busy helping the workers in the treatment facility as you sat with him in your office. He looked tired but prepared for whatever war he started. 

You listened to his whole story. By the end of it you were on your second shot of vodka. That was the bad habit you had, you were a big drinker and this, this was a reason to drink. Immediately you took two more and looked up at him. The buzz was strong but you weren’t drunk. He looked so tired as he let his eyes wander around the room, analyzing all your photographs. 

You had two photos on your desk. John recognized the person in one of them, it was of you with Algo, he had met her a couple times. The other one piqued his interest a little more. You were with two girls who were young. He didn't think much of it as you had an abundance of photos all over your office, but this one was on your desk. John felt like he may have been hallucinating, those two girls look a lot like you…

“You fell off a fucking roof and survived?” You gave him an incredulous look. 

John looked uncomfortable as he shifted his attention back to you. He shuffled in his seat. He knew you hated him and you were going to hate him even more after this, but he had an idea you already guessed why he was here. He nodded his head yes. 

“Jesus fucking Christ.” You just stared at him. 

“Well good, you deserved it. What brainless fucker would give D’Antonio their marker? Oh wait.” A condescending chuckle left your mouth. “He’s sitting right in front of me.”

He let out an obnoxious and loud sigh. John expected you to be hostile towards him but already? 

“Yeah, I get it. I've heard it before.” He snapped at you. 

“Let me guess? Winston?” He could tell by the way you bit your bottom lip while grinning you already knew the answer.

Even though you were arguing and not at all happy to see him, it felt unreal that he was talking and sitting across from you, updating you on his life. It had crossed his mind more than enough times, wondering what you would think. While he was hunting down Losef, when he was forced back to kill Gianna, as he was falling off the roof…  John should've known it would bring you some kind of satisfaction to see him struggling. 

After all, you made it clear you hated him. How could it not be when you hacked into multiple of his bank accounts, sent multiple people after him the first month and a half, sabotaged his contracts and blew up multiple of his luxury cars. Still, it didn't go unnoticed that you left his prized mustang alone. You loved that car almost as much as he did. He shook his head yes. 

“Thought so. Now get it over with where’s the marker?” You put your hand out and waited for him to place it in your palm. 

Your throat felt tight when you felt the metallic disk hit your skin, the humorous mood you found yourself in seconds before, gone. You knew this day would come. You knew it, you knew it, you knew it. In the past you loved looking at your markers. You had them displayed in your old apartment. A scream almost escaped your throat but still it. What you couldn’t help were the tears that started to stream down your cheeks. This wasn’t a sad cry  though, it was an angry one. The alcohol wasn’t helping either. 

You stood up and without even thinking just began to destroy everything in your office. Your computer went flying, the curtains were ripped down, pictures, all the glass Knick Knacks were thrown and shattered. John tried to dodge the flying objects you whipped at him all while calling your name. 

Your shoulders and chest heaved as you gained your breath back. The tears still poured as you picked up the somehow unharmed vodka bottle and just started to chug. John tried to stop you but you finished it before he could. There wasn’t much in it anyways, most of it had spilt all over the floor during your rampage. 

Next you tried to shatter the bottle over his head, which you achieved but it wasn’t that easy as you swung it in a blind rage at him. Glass went flying everywhere as he cradled his head and yelled your name. 

“Can we please just talk!” 

“I don’t want to talk to you!” You screamed.

Sensing his moment of weakness you lunged at him and wrestled him to the ground. In a way you felt a little guilty, this was much easier since you knew he could never have fully recovered from falling off that roof. Against all odds though he was able to flip you over and hold you down with his legs and his arms. 

You still flailed everywhere screaming your head off. The feeling of being held down sent you to places you didn’t want to go, especially if it was by a man. You head butted him, getting him to let you escape his grip. Like a scared animal you crawled to the other side of the room, not caring about the glass shards that were embedded in your hands. Then John heard the most heart wrenching sob of his life. You were hyperventilating.

“Don’t touch me! I hate you! All I asked was for you to talk to a friend. Now you come here, to my own sanctuary asking me to help you because you fucked up.” Coughs wrecked your body. 

“All because you were sad your wife and her puppy died. Yeah well John, I’ve been pretty fucking sad too and I didn’t go and kill almost the entire Russian mafia and get excommunicato!” 

John watched you from where he still sat on the floor, his nose bleeding. He loved Helen, he did but he could never have that connection like he had with you. The two of you were partners, you both grew up in the Roma Ruska together. You were together for sixteen years. Now he watched you have a panic attack on the floor, and it was all because of him. 

You staggered up and held your bloodied hands in front of you. John heard you groan as the blood started to drip down your arms. The cuts were deep. Damn you were going to be in a world of hurt later, your body just wasn’t what it used to be. Only sniffles left you as you started towards the door, forgetting about him on the floor. You needed to see your daughters. 

“I have to go see Kat and Darya..” Your mind was moving a mile a minute. 

“Are they the doctors here?” John questioned while looking at the photo of you with the two young girls that now laid on the ground next to him.

That must be them.  

A deranged laugh left your mouth as you turned and looked at him. 

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that you have two twenty year old daughters. Twins.” You talked about your daughters in a soft tone while his eyes shot to the photo once more, this time wider.

Before he could even respond you walked right out the door.0

[radiovisual]

are you going to come back?

((I keep telling myself im going to, but im not sure. Im especially unhappy with how this blog was written and how it looks at the moment, bc theres a lot of things id Want to change before getting back into rp here, but I have no energy or motivation to do so 😔 my art block from last year is Still ongoing, im still deeply fixated on other fandoms, and VERY recently I had an epiphany of some kind and haven't been able to stop paying attention to the news, bc anxieties about what's happening in Gaza/the West Bank, Sudan, and Chile, and not to mention this next American presidential election, have me reassessing my priorities in life, ykwim?))

((Im still around technically, i wont be deleting this blog or anything, im just in kind of a tough spot, mentally+emotionally+physically, and that makes it hard to get reinvested in something like this.))

((There's also the factor of... feeling rather restricted in this community. It's not any particular person or group of ppls fault, people are entitled to feel however they want around fictional subjects and themes, but i know that the types of things that i like to write and rp are dark and mature, and this fandom [despite the Nature of the show itself and the topics it covers] tends to attract a lot of very aggressive, very judgemental people -- as im sure youre all aware 😂 i found some friends here, but even still, a lot of the time i know i Can't get into the kind of stuff i ACTUALLY want to write, because most of the ppl in this community would [at least, way back when,] assume that That kind of writing means I'm a bad, dangerous person who wants to engage with those themes in real life 🙃. Which isn't to say anyone is Wrong for avoiding me if darker themes trigger them, by all means PLEASE block me for your sanity if thats what you have to do!! but when most all of those Exact Themes are LITERALLY, graphically present in the show, now, it's like. Idk man whats going on! Why are you here! if sexually abusive relationships bother these fans so much, then Why are they in THIS fandom of all places instead of somewhere tangibly Safer for their sanity, yk???))

(( i don't know. Maybe im just a brat, but ive always felt a little put out by the Hazbin community online. Its extremely self policing and isolating trying to find people i can feel comfortable talk to about my ideas, so ive kind of... given up and moved on, found a nice group of Freaks to be perverted about the Avatar sequel instead lmao))

((So... idk. I guess we'll see. But im very sorry it may have been wishful thinking when i said id come back. I really, truly meant it at the time -- things just changed 💔, both in me And in the community. And maybe theyll change again, idk!but i Do know there's people in this overarching Hazbin Tumblr RP community who don't like me very much (which is Okay), and I don't want to force myself to walk on eggshells anymore -- so I'm won't💪😎))

((I adored my time here while i was active, whuch it why i wont delete it -- i go back to re read threads all the time! -- but unless there's a group of sexual weirdos developing that i could fall in with AND I can find a way to balance this with the rest of my life, im still gonna be on this indefinite hiatus 💀👍 sorry))

((Btw -- Palestinians are in desperate need of e-SIMs to keep in touch with their loved ones and to organize humanitarian aid within the Gaza strip itself -- if any of you have a few spare dollars, please consider getting involved. I know the news is very quiet rn, especially if you're in America like me, but let me make this very clear; We are. kind of sort of Already IN World War Three. Russia and China and the global south are finally starting to hold the west accountable and the west is failing a shitting its pants about it Spectacularly. The world order is literally shifting. There's not one, but SEVERAL major international conflicts brewing right now, as America is sliding into fascism at break neck speed bc Genocide Joe is finally realizing he's probably not going to get re-elected [on account of all the genocide] on TOP of finally seeing the tangible effects of climate change. South America and Australia are on FIRE. Like NEVER before.))

((Never Again is Now. We could be going over the temperature "tipping point" of the planet BY 2030. now is NOT the time to be wallowing in escapism, no matter how much we desperately need/want it. If there is EVER a time to get involved with the real world and to take a step back from the internet and high stress fandom bullshit, it is NOW. No matter what Side of these issues you stand on, EVERYONE needs to be voting, everyone needs to be paying attention.))

(( if you can't afford esims [no shame, i often can't either, money is tight everywhere], then at the very least get This website open in your tabs. It generates revenue with free Daily clicks, the proceeds of which are all sent to UN organizations -- particularly UNRWA, which is VITAL to maintain not only getting aid INTO Gaza, but also retaining Palestinians legal right to return to their land -- without UNRWA, Isreal can begin to LEGALLY, haphazardly "deport" Palestinians, which would take YEARS to reverse through future court proceedings. Do your part, it only takes a few seconds a day 💪🌱))

((Alright, thats all! Sorry if you wanted a short sweet answer, but ive actually been ruminating on all of this, so thank you for this ask, for giving me a chance to talk about it all. Im happy to see this community thriving in the wake of Season 1, even if im not joining in myself -- you all keep up the great work, and keep having fun with it ❤ let it empower you to explore the value of Charlie's message and think of ways to impliment it in your daily life And on the world at large‼))

[jeffbytes]

elaborating a bit more on Nick's importance to me, something i've only really recently felt more inclined to look back on and resurface in my mind given the..... nature... of this story 🥲 going back through my old facebook to find the images has definitely tightened my chest a lot as i'm writing this, but i think it's as good a time as any to share now i've done so.

trigger warning for domestic violence / physical assault. contains content made pre transition, identities and characters i no longer use, please respect this and do not use them

observing the bittersweet horrors below the cut

the movie released in 2016. i was 19 / 20 yrs old at the time. i was still a furry, identifying with the label, with a "fursona" all that jazz (i still have animal sonas and interest in costuming as my sonas now, i just dont identify as a furry or interact with the community / go to the meet ups anymore). most importantly i was in a co habiting relationship with my then boyfriend, who we will refer to as L (bc he certainly didnt act like a W lol....)

we've got the trigger warning out of the way so i'll be frank - L was my abuser. i was a domestic violence victim to this man. he was unpredictable, attacked me in my own home several times a week, over mundane things like a chore needing doing or not smoking inside or needing to wake him up at 4pm. it's stuff that still haunts me to this very day (high intensity therapy finally happening, end of this year) that i wont elaborate much more on but it was BAD, ok. really really bad, shit you only see happening in movies. i was nearly DEAD, on the last occassion. i lived that horror for over a year whilst we lived together, and the knock on effect its had... i have not been able to work since, i lost my job due to needing to be sent to hospital on my shift a couple days after and fired for my "inconsistent appearence" at work. i lost everything to this man. i've only just started coming out of my shell in terms of holding a relationship in the last 2 years, largely in part given to the bravery that self shipping has brought me.

so here we mention Zootopia. Zootropolis over here w/e it's not important - Zootopia released in the same year 2016, after much hype from myself it was one of few things keeping me going at the time the awaited release of this movie, and i fell hard for Nick. how much i related to his character (even more so in recent times) how tender he seemed underneath everything and his turn around, everything about this character comforted me.

and i started to selfship with him! i didnt know what selfshipping was at the time, it was just me drawing my at the time fursona with him romantically and had no idea the SS community existed until just a few years ago. i never really felt the need to ship with characters when i was in IRL relationships before - and the fact i started drawing myself with Nick was an eye opener for me that something wasn't right for me. that i was deep down seeking refuge in a fictional relationship bc i was starting to break down and come to terms with the fact my IRL relationship was not only unhealthy, but dangerous.

it was the comfort of shipping with Nick and that realisation it gave me that gave me the wake up call i needed. one morning L was on another of his hands on tyrades, and scared our poor elderly cat, seeing my baby scared and knowing i'd been putting my heart into new outlets, i ejected him from the property that day. sure, L was able to manipulate his way back into my life for another couple months later that year that ended the exact same way (for good this time, good riddance) but in that moment i knew i wanted better than what i had when i found that in Nick at the time.

while my self ship with him has been quite on and off since then, i'll never forget the part he played in essentially saving my life. aforementioned, L nearly KILLED ME one time, right towards the end of that second appearence i mentioned before. i'll spare the specifics, i'm lucky to be alive.

i don't know where i would be without that wake up call. Nick and my sweet elderly cat Clawey rest in peace, they both saved my life in 2016 and i'm forever grateful for that ;___;

[schizopositivity]

Hi there. First, I love your blog and have been finding it very helpful lately. Second, I just wanted some insight on what I'm currently going through. A traumatic event happened to me recently and I'm still dealing with the aftermath, it feels like it's made all my symptoms get worse and caused some old ones to resurface again, and I'm scared of things getting worse. The most convenient counseling available to me (in terms of the location and price) doesn't deal with more severe mental health conditions. They told me not to go back to them because they could only handle things like mild circumstantial depression and stress. So now I am trying to get back into long term therapy with a professional who'd be more equipped to handle cases like mine, but in the meantime, what coping mechanisms do you suggest just to keep me afloat for a while until I can access a professional again?

I don't want to get too detailed and unintentionally trigger anyone, but basically my intrusive thoughts have gotten especially bad (in all senses - frequency, intensity, how graphic/detailed they get), my "unhealthy beliefs" are becoming more obvious to the people around me and it's been interfering with my daily functioning, some other stuff has been going on that's hard to put into words tbh and overall it feels like my brain never gets a break from itself since it's so damn "loud" and it feels like the thoughts won't shut off. Sorry since I realize this is kind of a heavy topic, please don't feel pressured but if you have any resources or just advice from your own experience about how to cope with this for a while, I'd appreciate it a lot, please. I'm currently not a danger to myself or others because I do have family with me and they watch after me (check in on me, monitor my meds, etc.) but there is still that "divide" between me and them where they don't fully grasp what I'm going through and it just feels like hell inside of my own brain. Thank you.

first off im really sorry you went through something traumatic recently. you didnt deserve that or the after effects you got from it. i went through something traumatic earlier this year and it also made my symptoms worse, so youre not alone in that.

heres one resrouce, you can click on "what should i do if i experienced a traumatic event?"

as for dealing with intrusive thoughts, one thing i do is right after they happen i think to myself "obviously thats not what im thinking" or "clearly thats not my real conscious thoughts" as a way to dismess them as just intrusive thoughts and not anything to do with how i really feel. to discredit them and not give them any deeper meaning.

id also encourage you to talk more to your family and friends, to really open up and tell them the truth and how youre feeling and what youre thinking. most people want to know whats really going on with their loved ones. plus you never know what kind of advice and support they could offer until you open up. and maybe if talking isnt an easy way to show your emotions maybe do it through drawings or poetry, or even showing them a song or movie you relate to right now.

i wish you luck on getting the professional help you deserve. and if its possible, dont settle for someone you dont feel comfortable talking to or someone that isnt equipted to handle your problems. you wont offend a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist by changing to a different one, its their job to help you and if they cant its totatally normal and appropraite to switch to someone else, they dont take it personally.

[thebrokenrobin]

{ GUIDELINES }

Hi there! I'm Luna!

I’m 26 years old as of writing this, I live in Canada & my timezone is EST. I've been writing in various RPC fandoms for 11 years now, & have been doing so on Tumblr on & off since I was 19. I'm cis (probably) & use she/her generally but I'm also totally okay with they/them used in a general sense if you’re referring to me. I’m Pagan & have been practicing sporadically for about 12 years now, so you could say I’ve always had an interest in religion, folklore & mythology of all different kinds which may explain the weird assortment of fandoms I’ve participated in (DC, Marvel, MCU, Arrowverse, Historical, Helluva Boss/Hazbin Hotel, Lucifer, Glee, Twilight, True Blood, Greek Mythology, Yū-Gi-Oh!, Death Note, Supernatural, PJO & more in no particular order).

I have ADHD, depression, anxiety & a handful of physical health issues on top of working a part time job which causes my online activity to be pretty random but frequent, but other than that, I don't think there's anything else important to say. If you'd like to learn more about me feel free to reach out, I'm usually pretty receptive to new conversations even if I’m sometimes shy about reaching out first!

That out of the way, here's a few things to keep in mind when following me:

This is a sideblog for Jason Todd, & follow backs will come from @moonrisenmuses​. Now, I understand that multimuse / hub blogs aren’t for everyone, & there’s absolutely NO pressure to follow, interact with or look at my main blog! I’ll only be using it to send asks from my sideblogs, & only if you happen to have anonymous asks off! Seriously, I wont be sad or offended if you aren’t interested in my other muses.

My blog is 18+ only as well as multiship, multiverse, & canon divergent. As a general rule, I strongly prefer my RP partners to be 18+ regardless of the fandom simply due to my age & the sort of content I tend to write. Graphic & disturbing, I use swearing somewhat liberally OOC, sexual content, etc. If there's no age to be found on your blog somewhere I won't RP with you, sorry. Even a general idea is okay, it's for my own comfort & safety as well as yours; a 14 year old for example really shouldn't read the type of writing I'll likely be posting. Thank you.

I do tag triggers! Almost all the default triggers (child abuse //, violence //, murder //) etc will be tagged. If you have anything you need tagged that is less common, don't be afraid to ask me to tag it, I'm happy to do my part to make you comfortable!

On Triggering Material: I will not write any of the following on the dash: graphic animal abuse, graphic sexual assault/rape (allusions/references are fine as it's sometimes part of a character's background including my own). This may be in the form of flashbacks, discussions of trauma, recovery threads, etc. I just won't write scenes of it, I'm also fine with 'close call' threads where my muse rescues yours from assault or vice versa since that’s a very real thing that can & does happen IRL. I’m just not willing to post such content blatantly on the dash as I know it’s a deeply upsetting subject, & I have no desire to romanticize sexual abuse. I will not write anything to do with pedophilia or any sexual content with characters or muns under 18, bestiality (as in actual animals, not ability users who are able to become animals), necrophilia, etc. basically the 'main' major things that would squick out most people. For my own & my mutuals comfort PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME IF YOU THINK ITS OKAY TO SHIP MINORS & ADULTS.

Please note: I DO include the popular headcanon theory that Jason suffered from under age prostituion / child sexual abuse prior to meeting Batman & that will be in my interpretation of the character. Jason may discuss it, & there may be non graphic mentions of it, allusions by himself, or even mild to severe flashbacks or story format character meta posted by me OOC. These will be very raw, real & will not shy away from the trauma of it. It won’t be romanticized or excused, but it will be portrayed as exactly as damaging as CSA is. What I will NOT do on this blog is write threads with anyone that include sexual content of Jason when he was underage, consensual or not. EVERYTHING EVEN ALLUDING TO THIS SUBJECT SUBTLELY WILL BE TAGGED EXTENSIVELY. I don’t fuck around with severe triggers like this. But if survivors of CSA working through or mentioning that trauma is upsetting for you, I gently encourage you not to follow this specific blog, I have plenty of others that do not include this particular subject.

I do tend to format my replies using small text & customizing with bold & italics for the sake of the aesthetic/emphasis, but I don't expect you to. If you have any issues visually or language wise with how i RP come talk to me & we can try to work things out. I will also be using icons at some point, but not constantly, mostly just to dress up a reply now & then.  

Don't force shipping with any of my characters. If a ship happens, that's great, & you're 100% allowed to just come & ask me if I'd like to ship but don't just go ahead with it without asking. Especially if your muse doesn't fit into my muse's sexuality on one of my blogs. example; I write Chuuya as almost exclusively masc-attracted on his blog (the exception being for shapeshifter/genderfluid characters whom he already has a strong romantic love for); so it would be uncomfortable & unfair to try to force a ship on him if your muse isn't what he’s typically inclined towards. That being said, all of my muses are open to unrequited romances as well, & in fact you don't even need to ask. It's okay for your muse to have feelings for mine, but they might not always reciprocate!

A note on shipping: I do NOT ship Jason with any characters considered to be a part of the ‘Bat family’. That includes any of the Robins, Batgirls, Bruce or Alfred or anyone related to them who made one off appearances. I also will not ship him with any iteration of the Joker as in 99% of his verses, the Joker was Jason’s abuser & murderer. I do headcanon Jason once had a crush on Babs when he was quite young, & had a hero worship thing for Dick as well, but he’s long since grown out of those feelings; he considers them closer to friends or siblings these days. I will ship him with CERTAIN Rogues, however these will all be when he is above the age of 21. I will not ship him with Harvey Dent, Oswald Cobblepot or villains he knew while he was underage.

The only exception to this rule is crossovers where Jason never met the character in question Ad a child in that medium - such as Penguin in the TV show Gotham where all the characters are young & the Batkids seemingly don’t exist.

I’m always open to possibly interacting & plotting ships with crossover characters & OCs!

Finally, my blog is absolutely drama free! I will not share callouts of any kind unless someone is an imminent danger. I've been roleplaying for 10 years now & frankly I'm just here to have fun without getting into fights.

If you made it to the end of this congratulations! There's no passwords or anything here, please feel free to follow me if you think we'd click, & welcome!

[lunas-criminally-writing]

the "shoulder kisses"? 🥰

shoulder kisses coming right up! this one shot is not directly in correlation to written in the stars but it does include our happy couple Maggie x Spencer - hope you enjoy -

summary: after being married a little over two years - and knowing each other several more Spencer knew signs that Maggie was not herself. determined to figure it out he finds something he was not supposed to - but it was not what he thinks

triggers: mentions of the death of foyer, mentions of morning sickness / pregnancy, mention of maggie's suicide attempt in panic room,

🖤🖤🖤🖤

spencer paced around the room - quickly crossing from one side to the other before repeating the process. hands deep in his pocket clenched into fists - knuckles graze against the single paper littered with maggie's unique handwriting. the words burning in his memory with even needing to look at the letter again - before thinking his thin fingers uncurled from their fist pulling out the neatly fold piece of paper. caramel colored eyes read over the words once again.

angel -

where do i even begin - right i love you so much - i cant even to begin to describe how much to you. we have been through so much to get where we are - sometimes i wonder why you chose me to marry you - i was a mess when we met and still am. you have that effect on me - you make the butterflies go nuts in my belly. being married to you these two years have been the best of my life - you have began to heal this broken soul of mine. you saw me at rock bottom - refusing to leave my side. i am just hoping you wont leave it now.

spencer's eyes snapped hearing the front door of their little house open and shut - maggie and spencer has moved from their apartment to the new place about a year into their marriage - needing something more of a home to come back to after cases. slim fingers quickly refolded the piece of paper before placing it back into the pocket it once had been in.

"princess?"

maggie's heart raced hearing her angel call her princess - it felt like the first time all over. left hand fluttered to her sweatered belly as her wedding ring glittered in the night.

"its me, angel. i just got back from dad's"

a sigh of relief escaped spencer's thin lips - feet carrying him into the living room - where he saw maggie settling in the arm chair with a book - the outsiders - in hand. his mind raced through memories replaying the morning he found maggie there - drunk with a tear stained face, gun aimed at his heart - that evening he almost lost her forever. left hand moved to his hair - tugging on the shaggy brown curls on the top of his head as it moved.

"how is dad?"

maggie peeked up from the open pages of comfort in her lap to her fallen angel - her reason for living. chocolate brown eyes met caramel gold ones - trying to pick up the micro expressions hidden behind them. spencer only called his father in law - dad on few occasions - most when the anxiety was coursing through his veins.

"dad is doing great - so is jack. we had lunch at the little diner at the corner of the street - just us hotchners. i can't believe how big jack has gotten since i last saw him"

spencer forced himself to nod trying to remove the images that burned inside his brain. crossing the length of the living room - dropping into a kneel in front of the arm chair looking up. eyes falling to the little sparkling key at the base of maggie throat - her gift from george foyet - her uncle - just before she was forced to kill him. spencer never understood why she still wore the gift but never questioned it.

"that is good. i am glad you had fun. what else did you do?"

maggie grinned at spencer before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. a small giggle escaping her lips - as she moved her face back - meeting his eyes again - her eyes twinkled happily.

"jack wanted to show me his video game so we played that for a bit before i broke away to talk to dad. you know after being an agent on his team - for two years - he is still worried about me getting hurt? the team is the best in the world - i am safe with you guys - always. i am not the little girl that i once was."

spencer's lips curled into a small smile as he took in her words - before the memories took over again. he saw aaron looking over his daughter in the hospital bed - bandages on her arms and hooked to several machines keeping her stabilized. maggie was his little girl always - whether she wanted to be. as the memory fade - spencer found his hand was pressed against his wife's warm cheek as she pressed her lips against it.

"you are his little girl - he has to worry about you - just like i worry about you, princess. it is our jobs."

maggie nodded softly against the hand against her cheek - humming in response - mind currently on something else. she was thinking about the little onesie in her purse - her dad has seen it - it was part of the reason for his now growing worry.

"mhm--"

spencer jumped back as maggie quickly moved passed him - rushing to the bathroom - hand pressed to her mouth. getting to his feet he followed closely - just as he was about to enter the bathroom to make sure she was okay - the door slammed into his face. looking at the closed door - his mind wondered to right before he found maggie in the bathroom bleeding out. breaking from the horrid thought - he heard maggie getting sick. hand moving to the door handle - he pushed the door opened - feet pulling him to his lover's side. worry increasing his hands moved to hold maggie's hair out of her face as she sat in front of the toilet - emptying her stomach - pressing his face to the back of her shoulder.

"maggie - are you okay? i am worried about you right now."

maggie could barely hear the words falling out of spencer's mouth but her mind still processed them. for as smart as spencer was - he could be really stupid sometimes. once she finished closing the lid of the toilet - she moved her body to face him - earning small protests from her angel for the lost of connection.

"angel - i am fine - i promise. nothing i can not handle - it is just a bit of morning sickness"

in that moment - spencer's whole world stopped - mind repeating the words his lover just spoke. his eyebrows furried together in thought - trying to figure out how he missed it. maybe he was just a little too worried that her note was a goodbye - not a happier note.

"morning sickness? wait - your pregnant! i am going to be a dad!"

maggie nodded gently - trying to make sure not to make herself sick again. using her left hand - she grabbed his left before placing it on her belly. a soft giggle fall from her lips - watching her husband in awe - trying to keep the pending tears from falling. this was her little family - her angel, their baby and her - perfect.

"yes you are spence - you are going to be a dad."

spencer moved quickly - not processing the moment until - he realized he was holding his wife in his arms. her head on his chest - hums coming from her lips - looking content. moving slowly this time - his face became tucked into the crook of her neck. tears falling from his caramel colored eyes - from happiness - he began pressing kisses along her neck repeating over and over

"i am gonna be a dad"

maggie held spencer in her sweatered arms - fingers rubbing his back - as she allowed him to process. she pressed her lip to his shoulder - the closet thing to his face she could get while his face was tucked into her neck - lingering.

"halloween baby"

[leafcabbage]

i am going to elaborate i have decided

so. you may ask. “cabbage you have never seemed like someone who has boundaries you seem like you would give your social security number to someone for laughs.” and i would say “thats not a question”

despite that, i will elaborate. yeah, i do overshare, but im pretty careful about what i say, so none of y’all actually know me. maybe it shouldnt bother me that people assume they know things about me or how i “should” act, but like, i am a real person, and i suppose i dont have to justify those feelings. it genuinely wasnt one thing that one person did or whatever, it’s been some commenters, a few posts ive seen, some askers, several anons- all of it led up to yesterdays choice. also, i shouldn’t be anxious or upset by things on this dumbass blog. its supposed to be fun. ive put too much weight into this. literally all of my reactions are my problem because i let myself put too much of my time and energy into being cabbage leafcabbage. what can i say, recognition feels good at the end of the day. 

now youre like “okay but what the fuck does that actually mean???”

yeah thats fair. it means i do want to focus more on writing on here and i probably(?) will be less active, but i genuinely dont want to stop interacting with you guys other than that all together. i’d like the main focus of this blog to be writing. i’d like the majority of my content on here to be about my fic. but i do like the funny little interactions we have and the asks for the most part. so... things. i guess. that should be kept in mind. questions for yourself, perhaps. “should i send this to a friend instead of a fanfic author?”, “is this something i should say to a 20 year old i dont know on the internet?”, “am i trying to get validation from someone who i see as “cool” (ahaha thanks) in a way that won’t actually help me?” and other stuff like that. 

examples of things besides fic questions i am happy to answer: give insight on things i have experience with (writing, student gov, college, being aroace/trans/autistic/etc), talk about dsmp/mcyt, talk about other media i like, give media recs, give opinions, etc

examples of things i am not going to answer: stuff i just... cant play off of? like if i cant give an answer thats gonna add to things i wont answer. it doesnt mean you did something wrong, im just gonna filter through more. i wont talk about trauma, not gonna answer asks about how your day went, i wont answer asks with any personal info in them... just generally if you wouldn’t talk to an acquaintance youre at a cafe with about it, dont send it to me. 

also, i appreciate that you care about me, but dont tell me to sleep/drink water/ take a break/ etc. im not upset with you if youve done that of course, but im 20. i know how to take care of myself. i know to drink water and sleep and eat. 

one more thing- if you would say it to a dog, don’t say it to me. so weird that i have to say that. 

“cabbage you seem to be thinking about one more big important thing that you hope people will read even if they skipped the rest of this do you want to talk about that?”

oh boy do i!

you guys terrify me. specifically the minors who follow this blog. please, please be careful of who you are sharing things with on the internet. things that seem harmless can give adults who want to hurt you leverage, an in, something they can talk to you about to try to gain your trust. i can tell you “i care about your safety” and you still don’t know if i am telling the truth! im sure you’ve gotten the “be safe on the internet” lecture from adults who dont even know what happens on here nowadays, and yeah that shits hella outdated, but i am someone who grew up on tumblr, so please at least think about what im saying.

 when you tell people on the internet about your mental health/triggers/any personal or identifying information, you are providing them with information they can use against you. i do not at all mean this in a victim blaming way, if something happens that is not your fault, but i am asking you to be careful now.  using my cafe analogy again, if an adult comes and sits at your table, your first reaction shouldn’t be to tell them personal information. adults should not be reaching out to you (there’s a reason i only message y’all if its for permission to print your artwork. it would be hella weird for me to try to strike up a conversation). no adults should be telling you youre different or mature or whatever. please just be careful with who you’re trusting and who you’re talking to. good interactions =\= good intent. a person with a platform =\= a good person.

“are you finally done?”

yeah i am. all that to say im sticking with fanfic related asks rn but if you stick to what ive said i may answer others in the future. thanks for reading this and thank you for being such a wonderful community (cough, for the most part, cough). im probably gonna be more harsh going forward on things that cross boundaries because im shit at setting them. that doesnt mean im upset with you as a person i just need to make things clear. i hope you guys are doing well and thank you again

[becomingthedreamversionofme]

rant - trigger warning

so i know i usaully dont rant on here or post anything negative but i just need to cause im going through a shitty time and i literally do not have any friends to confide in.

*trigger warning: mention of death depression lonliness suicidality anger issues heartbreak* 

alright so i feel my life is just one big chain of bad decisions i stand here in a unknown all girls boarding school in the last remaining days of my schooling days with the whole batch hating me and everyone else thinking im weird, no one talks to me, no one listens no one helps and most of all the comments, the bitching and gossiping, its getting to me a person can only handle so much.ive tried everything, not caring- caring and trying to better, being myself, focusing on studying, escaping, being a loner. nothing fucking seems to work. i cannot tolrate this anymore. the pressure of getting into a good college or any college at all is so exhausting i dont even think about it

when i started this account last year, i was a few months into the lockdown, having the time of my life, happiest id ever been.living for the first time in 17 years and feeling ALIVE. i eliminated all negativity, recovered from depressed extremly severe anxiety, sucidiality, self harm. confronted my smoking addiction and whatnot. i started paying attention in school and getting grades, for once knowing what i want to do in life and actaully having a passion for stusying. i let go of all toxic people in my life and got close with my family. for the first time ever we were actaully like a happy family. i also started talking to my sister more the backstory is complicated as hell but im happy shes just in my life tbh

now i just dont know. coming here was such a huge cultural shock, things have been so different. i didnt know why everyone hated me at the start or even if they did but i wish i could change things, i wish the things i did could be undone. i trusted the wrong people too many times and it seems i dont learn from experience quick enough. i feel so fucking dumb 

its all so different. i just want things to be over. i cannot stay here anymore. its taking all out of me, i seem to be going through a burnout or mental fatigue of some sort.i have 2 exams left and i will pass but i know it wont be good enough for college. 

honestly after the disapointment i faced here going to college was my only hope and now im wondering if i will get into one at all.

i have 2 friends from my old school but they got a life of thier own and it just seems theyre too tired of my constant ranting and sadness.its the same with my online friends- the ones remaining anyway. 

after losing someone i was very attatched to, to sucide - after 5 fucking years- i wa sfinally happy but now ive just seem to lost it all and back to where i started. in a worse situation to be honest.

my boyfriend seems to be a shitty person using me which is ironical cause i didnt intend to care so much at first but its not in my nature to be able to use and throw or even lie.i cannot pretend, i cannot mask, i am my most authentic self and it seems now my naive nature should be apoligized for 

im just hanging on for my past and future self.

[onepunchmiss]

Thoughts on Zombieman as of WC Ch 131 (basically I’m sad)

So, as has been addressed several times now the past couple days (thanks @gottahaveguts and @handlewcaare u feed my brain), Zombieman is straight up Not Having A Good Time Right Now. And so naturally I have been overthinking why he's putting himself in this situation, and maybe a little bit where he could be going.

So with the most recent developments in the webcomic, we get confirmation that Zombieman has not been seen since going to Dr. Genus about his limiter.  As narration pointed out in webcomic ch. 130, Z is not one to cut off contact on his own normally. While they interpret this as him being in danger and in need of rescue, we as readers are fully aware that this is in fact exactly what he did. It’s safe to say that he doesn't want to be found.

And regarding the limiter, I should wonder why he didn't confront Saitama first. As far as we know, Zombieman doesn't know that Saitama's own power is a mystery to himself, so I would have thought that Z being a pretty logical and goal-oriented guy, would consult the guy with the experience of successfully obtaining the exact thing he wants first, directly. Obviously we know this wouldn't get him very far, Genos is the living testament to that, but he doesn't know that.

But no, what does he do instead? He goes straight to a guy who only witnessed that power, a guy who has already himself admitted that it made no sense and effectively broke his will to continue his former research. Genus more or less admitted he didn't know how breaking a limiter was possible the first time Zombieman confronted him, stating it defied all common sense.

And on top of this, we already are very aware that Zombieman is NOT fond of his time at the House of Evolution. Genus recounts earlier that same confrontation that Z went on a rampage to escape the HoE, destroying the facility in the process. Then, over the span of 10 years while finding an identity as an extremely successful S class hero, he had still been tracking and monitoring them with the intention to dismantle the HoE and kill Genus. Alsooo during this confrontation, might I add, is the only time in the series we see him lose his cool and legitimately start straight up yelling with next to no provocation.

Genus was just sitting there with some takoyaki, yet the axe and emotions were raised high.

Zombieman generally appears to be pretty sensitive to the value of human life, and does not like his own humanity being questioned, which presumably stems from him being the product of the HoE's experimentation. While admittedly not as intense as the above image, he's pretty obviously pissed at Amai for accusing him of being a monster at the MA raid meeting. Its a touchy subject.

So it’s safe to say that even though we saw him talk it out with Genus, only sparing him once he was sufficiently convinced the HoE was truly disbanded, Zombieman clearly has a lot of trauma tied to Genus and his experiments. For him to go back to Genus and demand to be experimented on, without even pursuing the first and most obvious lead he has on limiters, and to do so with out telling a single person where he was going, is freaking insane.

Basically, what I’m seeing is the behavior of someone with serious self worth issues culminating in drastic self destructive behavior. He's taking an extreme and reckless route rather than finding positive constructive ways of dealing with any feelings of inadequacy and self doubt, and honestly I'm sure he knows this. This whole thing could hypothetically be a death sentence for him and he's just... throwing himself at it full force, no turning back. To him, he must do everything he can, there is no other option. I mean, let’s not forget this bit.

"Thus, as if he wanted that" Z, pls no

He can, will, and has thrown himself into situations he knows are impossible and could end him- he wont allow any less of himself. And now he’s done it again in Genus's basement. The degree to which his experience in the HoE really affects him isn't well defined, but I think there’s enough evidence to say that it does affect him pretty negatively. Purposefully exposing yourself to trauma/triggers is a legitimate for of self harm, and I get the impression that Zombieman forcing himself to undergo some excruciating process at the hands of the very person responsible for his likely trauma, without telling a single person of his whereabouts, when there are other more obvious courses of action available, is just as much a form of self-punishment as it is him legitimately seeking to improve and grow stronger. Subconscious or not.

I'm worried, because I obviously don’t think he's going to break his limiter. Narratively I have no idea how that could work, it’s just not going to happen. So then... whats next for Zombieman? Whats it going to take for him snap out of this all-or-nothing mentality he's seemingly developed in regards to himself, since his sense of self-preservation is kinda missing? He’s putting himself through all this agony, but how’s he going handle the realization that we can’t achieve his goal? I’m so curious as to what kind of story is One trying to tell with him. There’s a high level of intrigue surrounding his character, and he’s received a good amount of emphasis compared to other S class members we’ve yet to focus on (like Pig God or Watchdog Man) so I’d say he’s about due for some sort or character arc. And now that he’s dabbling in the limiter business, which is like, THE thing of OPM, I dunno, something substantial has to happen with his character next time we see him. 

And I sure hope he comes out the other side of it far better off than where he was going in to it.

[bellatrixxmarierose]

Possibly an Addict *Trigger Warning*

Not sure how to start this but here we go. When I was 10 I drank for the first time not knowing what it was my mother never told me about things like that I guess she didn't feel the need to until moving to a certain place where she said I became a "trouble maker". But anyway a new friend of mine had brought Rum and Coke to school and offered me some and we had a few classes together so her, myself and another friend of ours were passing this drink around for a couple classes. I didn't get drunk though I didn't even learn what exactly I was drinking until I got home that day. That was a fun talk I had to have with my mom about alcohol. I got drunk for the first time at a different friends slumber party about 2 months later, I turned 11 a few weeks prior, anyway her cousin was 4 years older and had a couple bottles of Jack with her and me always wanting to grow up way to fast drank with her. After that night I continued to hang out with her even sneak out at night, which the first night she literally cut my screen open to get me out of the window because it was not budging trying to be pulled up or out(that was fun to lie about to my mother later). Yes, at 11 years old I was sneaking out to go drink and other things this post is not about. I will admit I did other things that did become a problem in my life and I know I was addicted to and thank goodness I have been clean from it for almost 8 years now. With that being said this post is about alcohol as you can see the pattern. She and I were close friends at night mostly with the occasional skip school to go get totally fucked up days or get totally wrecked before school. This friendship lasted for several months before she went away, not by choice. But after that I started to sneak my step fathers rum straight from the bottle and back then I didn't think to replace it with water. He noticed but never confronted me on it. At 12 he allowed me and my new best friend, who I am still friends with to this day just not as close life and all that, but anyway on holidays and special occasions he allowed us to have one drink and one night I got really drunk. My mother and step father didn't realize I had already been drinking prior to the dinner we were having, that was the first time they had seen me drunk and told me I needed to stay home for the rest of the night. After that it wasn't so bad I could control myself a lot of the time. So my mother and step father didn't think it was a problem. I moved yet again this time back to my birth state at 12 and like I said before I was good at controlling myself a lot of the time with alcohol anyway. The times where I wasn't so good at controlling myself were the parties my family would have or occasionally steal tequila from my step father. When I was 13 at one of my Aunt's big parties my step father put my uncles 30 something year old nephew(No relation to me)up to getting me really drunk so I wouldn't want to drink again. It backed fired on him in more ways than one I ended up doing things(not sex but other sexual things) with this 30 something year old man while very drunk and also woke up the next day completely fine no hangover whatsoever much to his dismay. My step father eventually decided if I was going to drink it's better at home where I can't get into trouble. So he stopped caring if I stole his liquor because I was home doing it and not out getting myself into trouble. I had friends over once got drunk and hooked up with a friend who was a girl and apparently straight and lets just say after that night we weren't friends anymore. Things just got awkward after that drunken night together. Well for her I had been openly bisexual for a bit by this point. When I was 15 I started getting drunk with a very good friend of mine, who I am also still friends with, but anyway this time it wasn't at home it was at her house and while drunk we always and I do mean always ended up walking from one town to the other. I still to this day have no idea how we didn't get caught or die. At 16 before I moved again I got drunk with this

friend, her bf, and his friend this time we just stayed at her house, but her bf went from having sex with her to trying with me in front of her his friend had to pull him off me and out the door because neither me or my friend was okay with it even drunk me was not having it. After I moved I had started controlling myself again...a bit. I moved in with my Omie(Grandma) I had a bottle that looked like a bowling pin that was empty when I moved in with her so she would think it was just something I thought was cool. I ended up pouring southern comfort into it later she never knew. She had only caught me drinking one night when I was across the trailer park at my friends she had gotten a phone call saying I was drinking and while drunk I lied through my teeth and made myself so convincing that I was sober she let me go back over for the night. 17 comes along and I am drinking before school again literally walked down the road to my friends house did several jello shots then got the bus to school. Same friends house had a party I not only drank but did a certain drug I had a huge problem with already like I did more than usual of both that night. My lips turned dark blue, I was shaking uncontrollably, and threw up a few times this was also not too long after I had surgery so yeah not the best idea. There's a lot that wasn't said things too hard to talk about that have happened to me and things I did while intoxicated. But being a kid and teen I thought maybe I'm just being a normal teenager and so did my step father and mother. Looking at my adult years I have been so much better at controlling myself with alcohol except when my mental health is really bad...most of the time. I spoke about how the love of my life was an alcoholic in my post "How I lost my mind again" but what I didn't say was my own struggle I constantly want to drink but don't other times are easy not to, some aren't. But since losing the love of my life in October I have just wanted to escape the pain in any way possible. I got drunk off and on until Christmas. Then just completely threw myself into Teen Wolf that I had already watched all the way through a few times before and was in the middle of again because it's my favorite show. But I have been keeping my mind busy off the pain of everything with this show and reading fanfiction about Thiam and reading into all these things about the show...until a couple days ago when I realized that it's getting closer to our 8 year anniversary(May 26). Now it has become harder to keep my mind busy and all I want to do is down bottles of vodka. Funny thing is I had a decent day today, but then night came and I found myself buying 2 bottles of Kissed Caramel Vodka that wont be delivered until tomorrow morning. I don't know if I have a drinking problem because I can control myself at times and then other times I can't. But I do know when I start drinking I have a hard time stopping.

[smallestclowninthecircus]

Season 3 notes popping off

due to my desire to not completely fail all my classes this year i made myself slow down significantly while listening to this season, and the fact that the other person i'm listening along with had to catch up. We've managed to convert several other people to start listening and its pretty great.

ep 81: what does it even mean to be chosen by one of them? And if he was chosen by the eye. we know Gertrude wasnt? Because she cut the eyes out of the magazines?

ep 82: elias lmao. I understand why people like him so much bahshdhdk i thought he was gonna snitch on Jon but he didnt so he's fine. Ok but how do we think he knew all that stuff. Idk probably just institute connections. I love the fact that the recorder just wants to record stuff randomly bjahsjdhd. Elias feels a lot like Michael in the sense that he knows more than he should and talks in a way that implies he just wants to wait and see how things play out for his own benefit. I understand him knowing the things that happened but his description of her emotions implies something paranormal. Maybe he's connected to one of the entities. Which one I cannot guess.

ep 83: did a file get delivered randomly to the place he's staying at? Probably elias lmao. He thinks the mannequin is related to the stranger. Idk I would believe it.

ep 84: worms? I know he says earth worms but idk. Again? Is she making gordon golems out of trash? Martin popping off. You can tell the statements get to him more that they get to Jon. How come martin is so mad about it? I want to assume he just doesnt want her to get stuck there but idk. Jude Perry. The calliope organ. Jon heard a circus in one of the last episodes

ep 89: he's talking to perry? Like jude Perry? He says ... God? Is that what it is? Lmao. The Desolation. Jon is tired of ppl being vague and not telling him stuff lmao. Oh God Jon is so confused. Compel her? Is she assuming he has some kind of power? Does he have powers? Hmm. im agreeing with jon here please jesus christ why does everyone have to be so cryptic. Just say what you mean. "maybe you get an itchy eye" bahasjkdfklsjdf girl what. Agnes saved her? Oh this is the girl from the cafe story? So theres the Cult of the Lightless Flame? They worship whatever entity this is? The Desolation? Why do they all seem like they sorta worship her then? Is Gretchen gonna die oh god. fuckin michael. a different michael aaah. i see. dont do it shes gonna burn you. sir. please. sir dont you dare do- WHAT DID I SAY what did you think was gonna happen hhh.

ep 90: try to make it less obvious you're trying to get fired big T. Elias that doesnt sound like the most healthy thing to do. oh dear is this gonna be triggering for me. uuuuuh. uuuuuuuuuh. doesnt seem like it ok gonna keep listening. Jared. hmmmmm. Ok we've seen Keay and hotner or whatever his name was.

ep 91: Michael Crew. Oh is this the lightning scar guy. Mister jon sir did you just die. No? God everyone is so fuckin cryptic. Say normal things please. They all just like to go on about pain and agony and j e s u s c h r i s t we get it you got hurted by whatever thing. So theyre avatars? question mark? Jude Perry is an avatar of The Desolation? hhhh fractals. thats a spiral thing innit. Yup. messing with your perceptions. God they all talk about feeding their god and feeding that which feeds them and. hh what does that meann. Leave big J. please. uh oh. is it daisy? how come he has the web lighter still? the tape recorder just turns on sometimes you know how it is. So he can compel people? not that he knows it obviously but. a bit wack. powers go brr i guess? If the eye just wants knowledge i guess he feeds it by getting the statements? b/c i doubt it wants him to murder ppl or whatever.

ep 92: elias you all knowing fuck what do you know. (i guess all given what i just said) Lukas. Heard of them before. Mordecai Lukas. Loneliness. The lonely even. Jonah Magnus. Elias ur sounding like a bit of a dickhead rn. lmao jon's just like "i dont care" elias what is ur deal. Why does he want to tie her in. ohh i see. lmao theyre all just like "elias why" The Unknowing lol seems very much like something the eye wouldnt like. lol elias is gettin all philosophical. what does it really mean to be human. this still doesnt answer why gertrude wanted to destroy the archives tho.

ep 93: bahsjdfh he seems so dead inside rip. awww admiral. i love him already. ghh breacon and hope. purple mold. doesnt sound like anything we've seen so far. I think the funniest explanation for breacon and hope is that they dont actually serve the stranger they just kinda happen to be a random neutral party that cart around random spooky entity related stuff. ooooh. when we hear the slight static of the tape recorder it's cuz he's compelling ppl.

ep 94: the end! listen man they were all just grayed up for 4/13.

ep 95: the end also? death but also savagery/ animalistic shit. aww martin. lmao becerra. she's just been chillin in the corner.

ep 96: return to sender. haha minecraft go brr. prediction: breacon and hope? yup there we go. jon why is there an echo. are you in a stairwell? is he gonna eat it- yup. how did i call it. unsure abt what theyre talking about but ok. they kidnapped someone? Sarah Baldwin. ooooh that guy.

ok im just putting this here so i have notes for when nicholas gets to this part. It seems like (from jon's conversation with jude perry) that the desolation and the eye are kinda at odds with eachother? like i guess not directly but it seems like they dont really vibe? so how could be with both. Cuz if he has the heat powers and shit then we know he's an avatar of the desolation. but then why does he have so much eye imagery. also he got burned intentionally? like jude did when she went on her monologue about the feeling of burning? but then why did he wear the eye pendant. it stops him from being burned all the way which seems like he's not fully accepting the fire or whatever.

Nooooo I lost like a bunch of my notes rip. I keep forgetting to save.

Ep 104: tim gives a coherent statement without jon even being there. Ugh. Fucking robert smirk. Dont like him. Joey. Dont recognize the name. The show must go on. Clown. The spooky circus?

ep 105: total war... shogun 2? jon is just understanding languages again. "if i understood mandarin or cantonese" are you sure you dont big man?

ep 106: havent we heard this one already? mans in space? oh no this is just another episode in space. fairchild... uuuh. cant remember. oh! this is related to that! this is one of the ppl from the other side. sounds like a Vast thing. oh he's the one that the dude saw? but that guy didnt have a face... she's sorta like jon. wanting to dismiss the statements. lmao i love the workplace gossip. ace jon for the win! oh cmon elias dont be a dick. sunny meadows or whatever. thats the place we heard about.

ep 107: oh great is it jude perry again. Third Degree. bahahsdkfj she was arrested. sorry but imagining this old british lady getting arrested is funny. she was trying to resurrect him. using the skin book. he's not feeling well. jon take a nap. i wonder if this is what happens when he uses his powers too much. He gets into The Zone when he reads statements lol. didn't we have a burning train car in anothre statement? is it julia fairchild? bahahahs "kidnapped. Again." poor jon honestly. julia... about her dad. daughter of the murder shed guy? hunting like your dad liked to hunt or normal people hunting. oh hunting vampires!

ep 108: melanie has been suffering. poor martin peter lukas why do you have to be like this. can he not just use the front door? does he have to bother the ppl doing statements?

ep 109: how come he cut her off? kinda rude tbh. its either jon's influence or there was smth he didnt want her saying. is it gerard on the table? this sounds kinda like smth from one of the university episodes. is it the closed eye on the hand? yup. he's like one of the students! if the thing listening in is elias then... he can do that without the tape recorder yknow. plus who's to say it wont just turn itself on again

110: who wants to bet its a leitner?

111: Lukas related to The Lonely. I used to not like Gerard that much but i like him more now. but i thought there were 15? ohhh thats right isnt flesh newer? gerry for the win honestly. finally telling jon things.

112: lol "again" no one ever tells any of these ppl anything. tim and basira are just out of the loop constantly. music, like the war episodes. The hunt or the slaughter? probably the hunt. so Daisy is related to the hunt right? basira likes the reading, she's doing fine at the institute. daisy's getting worried...

113: it just turned on randomly. what is it lol. explossives! oh boy. why do they always assume he turned it on intentionally. melanie youre not making me like you that much. which entity is this about i cant tell. lol he was disappointed it was just the end. The title Breathing Room made me think it was gonna be about the buried but i guess not. So many of these entities deal with death but the end is one that deals in just death. it has no need for fancy deaths, just death is enough

114: more hilltop road statements? the tree. oh boy. ok the tree has 8 arms obviously theres the spider parallels. was she taken into an alternate universe? oh no. jon tries to phrase things so he's not asking questions. thats honestly good. "sometimes i was kidnapped" oh dear. they got gertrude. daisy ur so odd lmao. who wants to bet they dont know the tape recorder's running?

115: silaca? or whatever? antique man? meat grinder... related to the meat is meat episode? oh wow. they buy antiques from him. maybe dont antagonize this creature which can kill you?

116: lol theyre all just so done with elias. music? is it like the one band that if you hear them you die or wtvr. oh its chess? i am very much confused. mmm stranger go brr. gorilla skin? oh shit the dance. woah. this is so good. this is so gender. the words are wonderful. "you can just say tim" lmao trying to fool elias never feels like a good idea.

117: except elias lmaoo. oh shit. leitner getting some use for once idk. bruuh poor melanie she has been thru so much shit. martin you can just say youre worried about jon. lol he's so accurate in his jon impression. lol who was that. was that daisy? lmaoo. oop hi tim. oh god i hope tim doesnt die. i feel like i wouldve heard about that? but im not sure. destroying the source of knowledge is gonna be hard for jon. yay jon! you did a good thing. let him rest.

118: go off martin lmao. awww poor martin. oh god the tape gets that squealy quality and its awful.

119: woah. lots of things happening. uhh. POP OFF TIM!!

120: lmao elias giving a statement about jon's dreams lol. damn jon doesnt even get his own dreams? has to stay Watching even when he's asleep? f in the chat this man goes thru so much shit. oh boy its peter. lol martin my beloved. idk i dont trust peter.

[savnofilter]

I think you're hilarious in such a good way and Im new to Tumblr. Your work is amzing and i was wondering if you have any bnha blog recommendations or must read fics?

WARNING! this gets long as SHIT. so im sorry. im on mobile so liek,, also there are shit ton of amazing writers on here but my memory has been terrible as of recently, so sorry about that. all the people mentioned have really good fics so going through their masterlist is the bes option i have on here for you!! also sorry this was so late, i did a lot of username checking and now finally got the balls to post this with their @s cnuidwneovn- also!! be mindful because i was iffy in tagging some because i wasnt too sure if they wrote for bnha anymore. so w/o further adieu!!!now for my fave ao3 fics (with no ranking)~

His Tryanny by goodboysensei (tumblr; @tobobio)

au: fantasy

summary: “Deep in a land just like in the fairy tales, lives 4 different kingdoms. But when a hot headed king of one kingdom wants to take over, he seeks for more power. A girl locked away in a tower for her entire life because of her forbidden power, finds a new life when an ash blonde male comes flying through her window. How will their life play out?”

my thoughts: FUCKINGT AMAZING BOOK LIKE I FUCKING STAN. TT its so fucking good! the angst, the tension, angry bloody bakugo?! fucking check! amazing book!! 12/10 will always recommend. mc will say “million reasons” i be like “his tyranny tho, 👀” (and other books but we have to appreciate my highness rq).

completed: yis!

My Angel by goodboysensei (tumblr; @tobobio)

au: greek mythology

summary: “The infamous fallen angel, serving under Hades (AFO), Bakugou Katsuki, was known for constantly wreaking havoc within heaven. Defying against God and other deities, he was blacklisted from Heaven. (l/n) (y/n) being an elite archangel under Athena (Miruko), is set on a mission to rid of Bakugou Katsuki but takes a 180 when you sudden began developing feelings for the crooked angel during the confrontation – him reciprocating the feelings. Though relationships between a worker of God and a demon was the greatest sin, and faced consequences to those who are caught. ~ Having to sneak around and hide your relationship with the fallen angel how would an archangel keep her status under God while simultaneously keeping an accursed romantic affair.(sorry i suck at summaries lmao)”

my thoughts: you know, i just have a craving to live a life in greekish-mythologyish and reading lore of olympus makes it partly redeemed. but this takes the cake. LIKE?! oh my fucking god! absoluetely love and im still reading it cause im slow asf but its so good so far! and she doesnt at all, the summaries are what got me interested!!

completed: neh~

I’m Broken Too (Shigaraki x Reader x Dabi) by Kikyo851 (quotev; kikyo851/tumblr; @heroes-among-us-all)

au: canon

summary: “What’s a girl to do when she can’t quite make it as a hero? Become a villain, of course.”

my thoughts: okay so youre thinking, “that summary is short asf” but godtdamn the book is motherfucking good dawg. lieke,,, this absolutely fueled my villain spark way back whenever. (you can gladly thank this book and all the dabi fics from @lord-explosion-baku, who also has a book called “thorns” which is also on ao3. i havent read it because im not into that au but it has many good reviews!!)

completed: neh~

Million Reasons by Chub_Rye (other socials; not listed)

au: future canon (?)

summary: “This is not a happy story, you really wished it was but how can it be when your marriage is falling apart. You truly love your husband, the thing is…he doesn’t seem to feel the same anymore ((Trigger warning: this is a very emotional heavy story, you have been warned.)) Inspiration: Million Reasons by Lady Gaga”

my thoughts: 

*if i had the time i would edit to: “im fucking sobbing fam”* because this shit hurtedt. like, HURTEDT. this book, this very book is the reason why fucking katsuki fucking bakugo slapped down the damn rankings on my list. didnt fucking like him for like two weeks, just thinking about him made me mad as FUCK. but its written so good i cant be mad?! i… okay moving on before i start crying and listing reasons why katsuki needs to CHOKE in this damn book. also if you dislike deku then this story will change. you.

completed: neh~

Muted by HecateSG (other socials; not listed)

au: canon

summary: “A collection of short one-shot stories where the reader has lost the ability to speak due to an incident that ranges from accident, to intentional, which now leaves you in the care of at least one of this dashing and intrepid cast of characters. There will be a variety of scenario’s explored and kinks touched upon for all you curious depraved little ones. ~ The only thing these all have in common is that the Reader will remain almost exclusively quiet the entire time ~ The tags will be updated as more chapters are released.”

my thoughts: this is a one-shot book (no cohesive storyline unless chosen) but its so good. so good. i thought shigaraki, dabi and all might in one book was interesting but never the less, super good! i never was interested in the mute concept but its written good? (but thinking about it all the other mute!reader fics are good but they wont nsfw so it didnt interest me-) furthermore, its so good. so pure. so hot. 11/10 would recommend.

completed: neh~

Nightclub AU by sour_pink29 (tumblr; @heros-amoung-us)

au: well… nightclub

summary: “U.A. is the most prestigious and well known nightclub in the world. It takes a high price and a creditable reputation to attend the club, but only because it makes your wildest dreams and fantasies come true. The workers are the best of the best: the 1A class; with the sexiest dancers, flirtatious waitresses and waiters, master bartenders, and high class security. It’s truly no wonder why the rich and famous travel from all corners of the world to have one special night at U.A. ~ As a waitress at the club, you were used to dealing with rich, handsome, high maintenance bachelors. But when 6 mysterious men enter the club and your life, you feel something different spark between you and them as they turn your life on it’s head. For better or for worse… ~ AU where you and the 1A class (and some other characters) are workers at the club. Kaminari, Kirishima, Katsuki, Shoto, Tetsu, Izuku, and Sero are all competing for your attention. ~ WILL INCLUDE NSFW IN SOME CHAPTERS ;)”

my thoughts: THGIS BOOK FUCKIN SLAPS. HANDS DOWN WOULD TOOT MY ASS UP FOR THIS! (thought about dropping my studies and just fucking doing stripper work-) like wow… its a good book and the writer was prob one of the first wirters i followed on here?! (thats if tumblr didnt fucking remove my damn following like it usually does. ._.) enough about that, its really good. i think about it often.

completed: neh~

Plus Ultra! One-shots and Requests by MistressPikachu (FinalVolition) [tumblr; @adelheidvonschicksal]

au: varies

summary: “A place to store all my smaller drabbles for BNHA. NSFW and SFW requests CLOSED!”

my thoughts: um so she write for *everything* but not like everything, everything. so sometimes it be like a red flag so make sure you are reading it carefully on the story you click on! personally, since theyre a good asf writer i usually dip my toe in all of them but sometimes i just cant but the ones i can, i read over and over and over again. worth a million reads tbh. 12/10 would recommend if youre nasty like that (and i KNOW you guys are).

completed: neh~

slutty one shots by cherrykwrites (tumblr; @cherrykwrites)

au: varies

summary: “Collection of some slutty short scenarios. Mostly Bakugo, could include other characters too. ~ Everything will be NSFW in this collection. ~ Themes like non con, underage, alcohol, bdsm, daddy kinks, ect could occur in these writings. ~ These are purely works of fiction and do not reflect reality, I do NOT condone any of the immoral actions written in these.”

my thoughts: so of course i could not leave the og, the real home slice, cherry-mother-k-fuckin-writes- CAN WE CLAP FOR THE QUEEN? so essentially, her shit is good asf. you should read it cause its good asf. shes not around that much but she def is really good! (also has my thinking about writing some tattoo artist!bakugo these days, or even a series for my husbandos…). never thought about sandwhiched between kirishima and bakugo until i came across her fics~

completed: neh~

Euphoria - NSFW Series by NekokoaFanfiction (tumblr; @nekokoafanfictions)

au: varies

summary: “Just a bunch of BNHA characters involved in several different kinks with you. ~ Summary of first chapter: ~ “Katsuki…”That mewl you made was hard to hear but somehow it reached Midoriya’s ears and he gulped as he saw said man standing up from the ground in front of you. A smirk as wide as it can be with his tongue brushing the corners of his mouth as if he just finished eating the best meal of his life.————————- Basically, Midoriya is in for a emotional ride lol”

my thoughts: they are such a good writer. another one-shots book but they will appear once again on the list but this book is just beautiful. and im a perv. so. have fun.

comepleted: neh~

⚠️okay so this is a series of fics from one writer, but instead of making a shit ton on the list (because if this isnt long already) its by the user QuillMind (tumblr; @quillmind) here are some of my faves:⚠️

Incendiary ~ a/b/o, “Mating season has come yet again. Bakugou has even more trouble controlling it than in previous years… and it’s all your fault.”

Mating Hunt ~ a/b/o, “You and Bakugou have been together for some time. Though you both know you only want each other, your bond won’t truly be permanent and known to all until he claims you during mating season. And as impatient as Bakugou is, as an Alpha, he loves a good chase. You decide to give him one.”

Story Time - A Reader x BNHA Multific by WhenSarahSmiles (tumblr; @makethiscanon)

au: fairytale/storybook/canon-ish

summary: “Whilst fighting a powerful villain, you find yourself sucked into the world their quirk created with no memories of your old life. Yet, the men you meet along the way have a familiar feel to them. Perhaps they can help you unlock your memories? ~ A Hero Academia/Fairy Tale mash up, there’s plenty of chaos to follow even if you think you know the classic stories well. ~ [Warning: Explicit Content from chapter 3 onwards] ~ [I will warn you which chapter features the non-con]] ~ “

-> Story one: Little Red Riding Hood (Katsuki Bakugou x Reader)-> Story two: The Little Mermaid (Shouto Todoroki x Reader)-> Story three: Jack and the Beanstalk (Eijirou Kirishima x Reader)-> Story four: The Three Little Pigs (Denki Kaminari x Reader)-> Story five: Sleeping Beauty (Shouto Todoroki x Reader x Katsuki Bakugou)-> Story six: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (Midoriya, Tokoyami, Sero, Monoma, Ojiro, Shinsou x Reader)

my thoughts: bitch i have no thoughts. i only have THOTS. this is a masterpiece, like ive been lacking, the one im on rn is the kirishima one and it worth the read, and i bet the ones after that have been just as amazing! amazing work 11/10 would recommend.

completed: neh~

Wolves Among Us (Mini Series) by NekokoaFanfiction (tumblr; @nekokoafanfictions)

au: fantasy

summary: “Something about watching him lick your chilled skin was stirring something within you. Your legs started to shiver, but not of the cold that surrounded your slightly exposed body but of a feeling blossoming in the inner regions of your lower stomach. You were getting lost in the rhythm of his pants, wandering in the hazy want of his intense eyes. Your breath began to tremble, and you tried to squeeze your legs together to withstand the odd sensation growing, but he held your leg still and showed no signs of letting go. You were suddenly aware of his hand on your lower thigh, and you noticed that it was the first time a man’s hand had touched there. ~ You were a flower that had yet to bloom in the late of spring. Pure, untouched and suddenly, bombarded with desires. You never shivered in the way a man could make you, and curiosity—maybe naivety, was keeping you from your fear of the beast. —————– Basically, you fall in love with a rude wolf man. ~ Mini series!! Werewolf!Bakugo x Human!Reader, Fantasy AU ~ Inspired by The Company of Wolves by Angela Carter”

my thoughts: i ride this books ASS for updates. my favourite bakugo au’s are fantasy (wit da dragoons) and were!katsuki (haluween). i fucking love it, i love their works. theyre busy with school (like i should be but scholars are all different-) trust me its so good. it has that good spice that make fill my heart with sexy uwuwuwuwuwuwuwus. love it.

completed: neh~

Katsuki Bakugo Scenario Collection by Hvalross (tumblr; @cutesuki–bakugou)

au: varies

summary: “A collection of oneshots and scenarios I’ve done for Bakugou, both personal works and requests on my blog Cutesuki-Bakugou. ~ Please note that the rating of each story will be in the notes of the chapter. Stories range from TEEN to EXPLICIT.”

my thoughts: oh my god. i reread this one chap over and over and over and over and over and over- and over again. the stories range from cute to just good smut and its so good. so beautifully written. and i cant help but just appreciate it. love it sm. (also sorry if i tagged the wrong tumblr im confsued as to which one you use ahaha)

completed: neh~

Wish the World Away by hoshigalaxy (other socials; not listed)

au: canon

summary: “bakugou katsuki is the number one hero. but with this title comes a huge target on his back. sometimes it’s better to stay single when you’re a pro hero. there could be accidents. ~ but that’s three years in the past now and bakugou is slowly moving on from what’s happened. that is until he runs into his mysterious new neighbour and things get complicated again.”

my thoughts: ;-; this one hits different. almost like a million reasons type of different. i dont want to spoil it but godt damn man. there is so much to be uncovered but it really hasnt been updated. (cri) its a beautiful book tho. fingers crossed for when it updates next.

completed: neh :

Up in Smoke. (Soulmate AU) by Grapelimeade (tumblr; @gojirabbit)

au: well,, soulmate

summary: “Bakugou doesn’t want a fucking soulmate.”

my thoughts: may i say…it is such a stark contrast to Million Reasons. it is so fucking captivating i will not shit you. this book, is amazing. im just saying, that midoriya scene tho,, 👀 that kirishima friendship,, 💪🏽 its so good…? got me panting for the next chap (and no not like that weirdos but there is nsfw because when tf do you catch me reading a fic without nsfw…?) but i recommend. mc: million reasons tho me: up in smoke tho-

completed: neh~

Vermilion by Morgana_Ren (tumblr; @morgana-ren)

au: canon

summary: “Tomura Shigaraki had a goal. It started out simple enough. Kill All Might, and watch the society that revered heroes above all else crumble to dust alongside their idol. However, what originally starts off as a chance encounter with a UA student during the battle of USJ sends him reeling down the crooked path of obsession.”

my thoughts: its just…? my shigaraki thirst was sparked from this very story. it good, supplies my shifty hands needs and it suffices the boiling lust in my clit. wish we’d see more cause i love it already and it blends the story line well. love it. 11/10

completed: neh~

words hurt [Bakugo Katsuki x Reader] by QueenExplosionMurder (tumblr; @strawberryandspiceandchocolate)

au: canon

summary: “*more tags to be added* ~ when Bakugo Katsuki friendzones the reader, their friendship takes a nose dive off of the face of the earth and he doesn’t hear from her for a while. that is until she is suddenly thrown back into his life, quite literally actually…”

my thoughts: well you think i can go a post without tagging my president? youre fucking wrong. i have actually posted my own prev of her book which you can find here. i am just astonished at well the mood is (because tb when all i would talk about is mood) because mood is just good. it doesnt seem cliche to me. cant wait until the next update.

completed: neh~

You and Yamada by Jo_Rutherford_Lee (other socials; not listed)

au: varies

summary: “Just a few short Present Mic/Reader PWPs I needed to get out of my head.”

my thoughts:

i love this book. couldnt find the yamada book i was looking for but i would be lying if this doesnt revive my yamada love every once in awhile. (jk i found the book but this one is really cute and a quick read!!)

completed: yis

Singed Rose Petals: (Alpha) Dabi x (Omega) Reader by Smutsy (other socials; not listed)

au: a/b/o

summary: ““The villains were always ugly in books and movies. Necessarily so, it seemed. Because if they were attractive - if their looks matched their charm and their cunning - they wouldn’t only be dangerous. They would be irresistible.” - Nenia Campbell”

my thoughts: ohhhh because you guys thought that i’d go through a post without mentioning dabi? LOL so,, this book has brought many many many happy coochie tingles to me. i would murder to be dabi’s omega. and DAS on baby. never was really interested in a/b/o stuff till i read this. love it so much 11/10.

completed: yis

special mentions:

BNHA Brothel by orphan_account [multiple, unfinished]

Hero Killer’s Charge by VulcanCaptain [stain x reader, unfinished]

Mouth Moods by Koalolive (twitter; renlup) [present mic, unfinished]

and god please dont fucking roast me i had a hawks faze. Birb Office for Birbs by insanityrunsinthe_family

[tardytothepardy]

Fruits Basket - Vol 19

Compared to the last few books, this one was actually pretty mild in subject matter. Nothing too heavy, which was a pretty nice break. The heavy stuff is fine, don't get me wrong, but you need a break from it, y'know? These characters certainly need a break.

In this book, we got a lot of backstory on Kakeru, which was pretty interesting. He seems kinda weird, the more we learn about him. Something's off about his ability to emote. Idk.

In the first section (which honestly is pretty heavy), it continues right where vol 18 left off: Tohru saying that they gotta find a way to break the curse soon, for everyone's sake, but especially for Kyo's sake. This seems to throw Tohru into a tiny crisis, because she had promised herself, after her mom died, that she would never place anyone above her mom, that her mom would always be the most important person to her. But she's realizing that is starting to fade away.

When Izusu first asked her what was most important to her, Tohru couldn't answer. She wanted to say her mom, of course her mom was the most important thing to her, but there clearly was another thing that was rivaling for that first place. She made the promise to always keep her mom in mind, to always have her be the most important, so that she would never fade away. It was right after she died, and Tohru had cleared everything out of their apartment, and even then, Tohru felt like Kyoko's memory was fading away.

As she was walking home, caught up in all these memories and thoughts, Shigure pops up, and says that she's heading to the main Sohma house, which is weird. On the way back to their house (should I phrase it as Shigure's house? I dunno), Shigure mentions how both she and Izusu have made it clear that they're trying to break the curse, and Tohru asks if he knew that the curse was already breaking. He said he didn't, it was just a hunch. Apparently, there has never been a time when all 13 members of the Juunishi have been alive, there's always been one missing. Because of this, Shigure thinks that the time for the curse to break is coming near, that it's the "final banquet". Not to mention, things have been watered down a lot through the generations, like Hatori being possessed by the dragon, but he turns into a sea horse. No offense Hatori, but that is kinda underwhelming. Additionally, Kureno's living proof that something is happening, with the way that the curse just,, randomly broke for him, and he wasn't doing anything to trigger that.

Shigure then brings up Kyo, and how time is cutting close for him, and it won't be long before he'll be taken away (something that Tohru is very aware of). He also says that the reason that the Cat has always been hated, is because it's just kinda the most convenient. I mean, the Cat is the only one that has a "dark form", which is all gross and etc., and it's easier to pick on that, than to really sit with yourself and think about how you're a fuckin weirdo who can turn into an animal, not even by choice, it's just something that happens that mostly out of your control, and because of that, it causes you to distance yourself from everyone. It's a burden, it's really just a curse. He really just keeps hammering down on the point that everyone knows that Kyo's the worst of them all, and they use that to feel better about themselves, that at least they're not like that, a disgusting creature. Personally, idk why he's doing this, but it makes Tohru pretty upset. She was upset to begin with, and now he's just putting salt in the wound with an oddly calm demeanor. After she makes him stop saying all that, he asks her if she does love him, and that sends her right back into her initial crisis.

Kyo shows up soon after, and Shigure just says she's upset because she got in a fight with Izusu, and not to worry about it. Kyo tries to console her about this "fight", which only makes Tohru feel worse. She says she doesn't know what to do, and he said that in situations like that, it's best to not do anything. I swear to goodness, these two are just kinda hopeless.

Anyway, the next chapter continues (as it is wont to do), and it's been another year since Tohru's mom died. Kyo didn't go with Tohru and her friends, clearly it all brings up a separate bunch of bad memories for him. Mostly involving when his own mom died, and the shit his dad said to him at the funeral. The stupid thing is, that after his dad said, "You can't get close [to the headstone] because you feel guilty, don't you?" Kazuma said that isn't something you say to a child, and Kyo's dad doubled down and said that's why he said it, because he wouldn't.

Unsurprisingly, Kyo did understand, because ✨news flash✨ kids aren't stupid. They can understand what you're saying, it's not like an adult's words are all garbled like in Peanuts. Especially when they're looking you dead in the eye, accusing you of killing their wife and your mother. They understand. He understood. (Why couldn't have kicked Kyo's dad in the throat he just,, he deserves it)

Anyway, while that particular thing in sitting around in his head, he runs into Tohru's grandfather, who's just kinda sitting there, chilling. He recognizes Kyo, which is what Kyo gets for having bright orange hair (he didn't do it on purpose but he has to understand the consequences of being a main character: he's recognizable) While they're talking, Kyo notices that Tohru's grandfather keeps calling Tohru "Kyoko", and Kyo asks about it. Tohru's grandfather (he doesn't really get a name, but this is also really clumsy ;-;) says it's to remember Kyoko, and shortly after Kyoko died, it was partially for Tohru's sake. He then asks Kyo if he knows why Tohru asks the way she does. I would imagine that if Kyo did think about it at all, he'd just figure it's because that's how she is, but Tohru's grandfather says it's an imitation of her father, Katsuya. This is mostly because after Katsuya died, some relatives started saying that Tohru wasn't anything like Katsuya, are you sure she's his daughter? Disgusting shit like that. Tohru's grandfather mused that they probably said it because they didn't think Tohru would understand them, which kinda makes Kyo go "!!" because holy crap, he was just thinking about that! how crazy!, and Tohru's grandfather says that, if nothing else, a kid can understand if a comment is nice or mean, but they are usually pretty good at understanding things.

After that, Kyo went home and saw Tohru taking down the laundry (do they not have a dryer or was it just more poetic to have her hanging them on a line and having them flutter around in the breeze?), and was thinking about the things that Tohru's grandfather said, along with some times that he was with Kyoko. Apparently, Kyo had seen (not really met) Tohru before they met in the beginning of the series. One time Kyoko was fretting about having to stay overtime at work, and how Tohru would be alone at home for a while, and so I guess Kyo decided that he'd check up on Tohru, and she was just sitting at the table, eating dinner, and he thought she looked pretty lonely.

Jump back to current events, Kyo's just been standing there, thinking about all this stuff while Tohru was folding laundry, and she finally noticed him. Ack! Startlements. Out of the blue, Kyo asked Tohru about her dad, and she froze up. She then said that they didn't really, but according to her mom, they acted the same. Then she retracted that statement, and revealed that she used to think her dad was a bad man, mostly just because as child, she used to fear that he would take Kyoko away from her, despite remembering that he was a kind and caring person. When he heard that, Kyo thought it was stupid, but it was most likely just from her trying to cope with her dad's death, and how her mom reacted so severely to it, and by thinking of her dad as a bad man, it was easier for her? Personally, I don't really follow the train of thought, I've read it a couple times, I'm just kinda confused by it, but it's mostly that she told herself a story that helped her, and it might have made her seem unaware of things (I hesitate to say "stupid"), so that she could push down her pain enough to seem happy on the outside. Tohru felt guilty about it, but Kyo told her that Kyoko probably knew what Tohru was doing, but it was okay, because Tohru helped Kyoko through a really tough time in her life (and he knows that for certain because Kyoko told him that).

Oh also the reason why there was all the billowing sheets and everything turned out to be kinda useful. Reassurance becomes awkward when you go to hug someone and you turn into a cat. So, stupid earlier question out of the way.

After all that, there is some unmistakably painful awkwardness between Kyo and Tohru, they're just stumbling over each other. Having to sit by and watch them is too much to bear for Yuki, so he flies off, to anywhere, because anywhere is better than that. And I mean, I've never been in that situation (because I'm generally not around people) but it's awkward enough just reading it, I think I would wither away or slam my head on a table/wall if I had to be around it, so I don't blame Yuki whatsoever. While he's wandering around, a woman comes up to him, asking if he's Ayame. Hm,, I wonder who this mysterious woman is??

(But first, a short peek back to the house and-- oh of course Kyo and Tohru are still struggling to exist around each other cool cool, and oh! Tohru just said something very cute and endearing and Kyo had a heart attack nice move my dude, and off in the distance, Hanajima senses their struggles and general pain)

Okay, back to Yuki. He went to Ayame's store to ask about that woman, and Ayame tells him that she was someone that he went to school with. He was the student body president, and he came to be friends with (or at least, he was friendly, there's a difference) another president from an all-girls school. Unbeknownst to him, she had fallen in love with him, but when he was younger, he didn't really seem to give a shit about people. Like, he seemed to be a raging asshole, not even on purpose. He just never took the time to consider and understand other people's feelings, and was just flippant to everything. So when this girl confessed her feelings to Ayame, he was decently surprised (kinda. If he was anywhere as popular as Yuki is in school, he probably had people confessing to him all the time, but unlike Yuki, Ayame probably just used that to boost his ego. What I'm saying is that it wouldn't really be a surprise to him; I have a feeling that he'd heard it a lot throughout high school), gave a "Oh, that's nice. What's your name again?" which was a huge blow to the girl. They'd been friends for a while, which she said. He then proceeded to say, "Oh, well then I guess your personality was so dull that I couldn't be bothered to remember!" Holy fuck. This is just getting worse and worse. Never mind the fact that Shigure and Hatori were there too, this wasn't just Ayame and the girl, and Shigure was snickering and poorly attempting to hide it. Hatori finally made them stop while the girl ran off, and Ayame had the gall to ask why. Dude. Wow.

It took him a while to fully understand what had happened, and how acting that way can really hurt someone, until he met Mine, the girl who works with him in the costume shop. (She's pretty distinctive in that she's always wearing a maid costume. She's enthusiastic about costumes) Yuki asked if Mine was Ayame's girlfriend, and Ayame said that she was, though they didn't make the biggest deal out of it. After going through his few minutes of Intense Retrospective, Ayame said (dramatically, you know him) that he hopes that moment hasn't traumatized her or affected her poorly, and Yuki said that she actually seemed pretty happy, if anything she was embarrassed, but it seemed like she had a husband and kid, so it could be guessed that she moved on from that incident. Yuki then tried to ask if Mine knows about the curse, but Ayame skillfully swerved around that by entirely ignoring the question, and Mine had come back from the store, so that conversation was over. But, when she came back, another followed, none other than Kakeru, who apparently is pretty friendly with Mine and Ayame, since the two of them came to the school during the "Sorta Cinderella" play to provide costumes.

While Kakeru was there, he briefly brought up Machi, and so she was brought over as well. That's only significant because she saw something she liked, and it pops up again later. Slightly later in this book, but more later in the series. It's a whole thing.

We also get a short little peek at what Kyo and Tohru are doing at the end of the chapter. I guess they just went out for shopping and stuff, and came across a place with lots of cats, who were quite excited to see Kyo. (Kyo was less excited to see the cats, it's probably for the better that they're separated by glass.)

The next chapter starts with Shigure at the main Sohma house, where apparently Akito has been stuck in her room for so long, asking if she thinks the world will change around her if she just stays in there long enough. He then leaves, and Akito says, "Fine! I don't care anymore!" (which, statistically speaking, almost always means that they still care), but Shigure doesn't bother with it. Being stubborn in this situation isn't going to help anything, but it's just not worth arguing over.

The scene jumps to school, and apparently Momiji's gotten a hell of a growth spurt, now he's all tall and tall, and he doesn't wear as much cutesy stuff. It also looks like he got a crush on Tohru, but Tohru would most likely quietly tuck Momiji into the friendzone like, so fast. I honestly doubt Momiji would actually try anything to get Tohru's attention, but later in the book he taunts Kyo a little bit, basically saying, "You better figure out your situation with Tohru bc I also l-l-like her lots <3" (After which Kyo has a mild crisis like "Holy shit does everyone know?? What the fuck??")

Tohru and Momiji run into Yuki and Haru at school, and for some reason they're all gonna go back home and get ice cream. Idk why, I guess they just felt like it.

Back at home itself, Kyo walks in and just finds Kisa sitting at the table. She flustered, he's confused ("why tf is she here what's going on?"), and Hiro pops out of nowhere to defuse a situation that wasn't occurring. Anyway, Kyo starts to walk off before Kisa says Hello!, and he's just like, "...hi. Anyway." and I'm just saying any of this bc it was so fuckin funny to me, idk why Kisa was acting like that, that might just be how she is, I've forgotten, but yeah.

Swerving back momentarily to the main Sohma house, Hatori's asking Shigure why he's always so mean to Akito. Would it really be so bad to just be nice for once? Shigure's pretty indifferent to it, especially when he said that Hatori's niceness or Kureno's niceness are more genuine, but he just can't fake that stuff, he doesn't care. He knows he's an annoying lil shit, and he doesn't seem to want to take any steps towards fixing that. After all, it's not his job to make Akito happy. (seriously though what's up with this whiplash between here and Tohru and Co. it's kinda weird.)

Let's just switch over to the last main chunk of the book, because I don't want to repeat myself too many times. This is the one that focuses on Kakeru, and his general weirdness. So he has a girlfriend, her name is Komaki Nakao. Just,, keep that in mind, I guess, so that I'm not saying "Kakeru's girlfriend" far too many times.

Anyway, Kakeru and Yuki head to the student council room, and Yuki gives Machi a little apology gift for having to deal with Ayame and Mine at the costume shop. Kimi complains about not getting something, which Naohito is irritated by (I think he lives to be irritated). She nabs the bag, opens it, and what is inside but a little Mogeta paper weight dude, a smaller version of the Mogeta doll that Ayame had in his shop that she was interested in (see I told you it was relevant), and she likes it a lot. Yuki can somehow tell by her waving it around in the air, idk how but he knows her better than I do. (Seeing as they're all in their fictional universe and I, it turns out, am not)

We also got a mini backstory into why Kimi is the way she is. It's because one time in middle school, a group of girls went up to her and said, "You think you can just float on by just because you're pretty and popular with boys?" and Kimi heartedly agreed, and just,,, didn't change. In case you were wondering.

Moving onto the part specifically about Kakeru, he used to have a thing against Tohru, a while back. When Kyoko got hit by that car, it turns out that the driver died as well, and that driver was Komaki's dad. So when Tohru and Kakeru ran into each other at the graveyard place, he basically was like, "Don't you dare think you can be the most sad in this situation, because someone else got hurt, so that means you can't be in as much pain as they are," completely out of the blue. Of course, Tohru didn't say anything against it, she wouldn't do that normally, and at the time she was still heavily mourning the death of her mother. He told Komaki of what he said to Tohru, reasoning that, like he said, she can't be the one most sad here, someone else has died. He saw her go about school, smiling and laughing, clearly she has to be faking her misery (rather than,, idk,, coping,,, and trying to get through life as a sudden orphan,,, idk,,), but Komaki didn't take it well, saying that you can't make a competition of something like being sad, or mourning. Him going out of his way to say that to Tohru did not help. That confused Kakeru initially, because he thought they were both on the same page. He did apologize, when they ran into each other later, completely owning up to his shit, which is nice. It's nice when people are accountable for their actions.

Back to Yuki and Machi for a second, Machi didn't have a chance to thank Yuki for the tiny Mogeta after she first got it, but she did like the gift. She tried to ask for what Yuki wanted, but all he said was self-confidence and fertilizer. (Does she know that he has a garden? I don't think she knows, that would probably seem very odd out of context.)

I think I'm gonna end that there. I have four more books left, so it's ending soon, but given how infrequently I actually sit down and write these, I just hope I'll be able to finish before they have to be taken back to the library.

[litcratura]

WITHIN KINGDOMS COLLIDE—chapter one

Author note : this probably wont happen a lot but this is the first chapter already. This will contain more information on the characters! I hope you will enjoy this

Trigger warnings: talk of death, strong language, cursing, and coughing

Wordscount: 2598 words

@drxmaqceen

She slept for what felt like hours, yet she was awoken by the gentle touch of one of the maids. “My lady, I have brought you bread and some meat.” The woman said sweetly. She looked around 24. Allison sat up to indeed see a silver platter with bread and meat. It looked incredibly tender and Allison felt her mouth water almost immediately. There was a small glass on the plate. Filled with the finest sea salt. “Thank you, you can leave now” Allison spoke kindly . she ate the bread, tearing of pieces and dipping it into the salt. As well as the tender meat. That ripped off just by her fork.she ate for a moment in silence. Still not truly comprehending that she was now in the land of kind Laoghaire.

She then heard a knock and looked up. “yes?” She asked as the door opened. Arya opened the door. She had changed her white gown for a ed one. It made her look beautiful and fierce. And they were her father; the true king his colours. “I made you a dress. A while ago; I knew you were coming. I hope they fit. I heard that you preferred simple gowns.” She held up a beautiful light blue gown. There was a corset with it too. Floral and beautiful. There were green and blue embroideries. “It Is really beautiful Arya” she got up and touched the soft fabric of the dress. “I can help you into it after you’ve had a bath” Arya suggested. Allison gave a nod as she unclothed herself. Her back carried flowers. Most of them were closed and pink. Others were open and carried all the colours of the rainbow. They were a mark of her fertility. A mark most people didn’t even know existed cause she hid them magically. The bath was nice and warm. Taking care of this eternal cold she felt inside. She scrubbed her body. Taking care of the dirt that was sticking to her skin. She washed her red curls that always popped out more when her hair was wet.

As she got back into her main chambers Arya helped brushing her hair. Taking care her clothes were on and all in place. The corset Arya had made her didn’t push against her skin as hard as the other corsets had. The corset laid beautifully on her chest and despite her curves now being visible they were covered regardless. “I love it” Allison said—looking into the mirror. Her hair as orange as it was fell into a beautiful curls on her shoulders. Yet the back had been pinned and clipped with a butterfly clip. So it was half up and half down. Her eyes were like gold which fit with the embroidery in the corset as well. “Thank you, Arya” Allison said and hugged the princess.”now we must go downstairs. The king wants to meet you and so does Lady Thorne” Arya took Allison her arms.

There were so many stairs and steps that she felt like she would never get used to them. Though this dress wasn’t half as heavy as the ones she wore at home had been; this castle was a lot bigger than her own home had once been. It was a lot darker despite there being so many windows. It seemed as if the king did not enjoy light inside his castle and there for kept all the windows closed. The ones that were open had beautiful stained glass with the colours green and bronze. As well as some blue. “The queen used to be from the north” Arya explained. Ophelia Thorne as well had been a beautiful woman. Strong. She had had a sister and had only come to the castle to assist with healing. A job her mother Agnes had already taken. But the king fell in love with her. More than he had once loved his almost wife. Who nobody knew the name of. After she and the king had married they had had the twin brothers Tristan and Calum. And she had passed away when the twins were eight. Of an unknown illness. Allison had never known the woman had been from her home. “So that explains the blue” Allison muttered as Arya nodded. The great hall was lit with just candles. It had a long wooden table in the middle of it. With places to seat 18 people. The king sat at its head.

Sebastian Laoghaire wasn’t necessarily unattractive. He was a bald man with deep blue eyes. His arms muscular. He sat straight and with stature. He was a charismatic man; Allison had to give him that. “Lady Chevron. You grew up beautifully” the king stood up. Standing he had to be almost two metres tall. He bowed for the girl and she returned the bow. “It’s a shame I already married off my boys” the man said in an almost believable way. Yet she knew he wouldn’t even think of her as high in status. He got closer to the girl and kissed her on the cheek. “You will be a healer correct?” “Yes your grace” remind him of his status; she had been told many times. He didn’t like people doubting his being of a king. “Too bad you weren’t going to be a whore.. you would’ve done better” Sebastian said harshly. Allison took a goblet of wine and smelled it before drinking the wine fast. “It was a pleasure to meet you Allison. Now go” the king demanded. And so she left.

“Where are his sons?” Allison asked Arya as Arya whisked her away to Agnes her office. “There is going to be a war soon. They are training on fields for three weeks. Your brother is there as well” “Riley? But he never said goodbye” this seemed to hit the girl hard in her chest. Her brother promised to protect her; and now he wasn’t even here. “Its just a training. Besides your father has the best soldiers after all, he will return before you know it Allison. And he will be back this evening already. The three weeks are done” that’s why there had been a rush. Allison held her skirts walking up another of stairs. “Why is there going to be a war? And with who?” Allison never could help these questions. They often escaped her mouth before she could even stop them. “There is a man in a city close by and…Sebastian is sure he will start a war. So they’ll fight before the others can attack” she explained as best as she could. Which made Allison shake her head in an almost annoyance.

The office of the healer smelled of herbs and spices. An older woman; her hair was turning gray. She had a few wrinkles yet as soon as the door opened fully she looked up. “Is that Allison Chevron?” She asked. Putting down her herbs as she wiped her hands clean on the apron she wore. “Agnes” Allison smiled. It had been years since Allison had seen Agnes but she felt like a grandmother to her. Agnes hugged the girl as she smiled. “You will be a fine healer. I can see that in your eyes.’ Agnes said and then doubled over coughing. Yet held up her hand. “Just old age dearest. I am fine” she reassured the girl. Whose eyes were big with worry almost immediately. “Now how would you treat a common cold” “Eucalyptus, mint, honey. Put it into a tea. Maybe a spell for fast healing but that’s only if the cold is severe. And some lavender for rest.”Agnes nodded and handed her an apron before looking up at Arya. “Do you want to help, dearest?” Arya shook her head. “I have to get back to sowing. And I might go on a walk, but thank you Agnes” Arya assured her as Agnes just gave her a sweet nod.

Allison boiled the water and made her first potion; one against the common cold. Like her mother had taught her she wrote it down in her leather notebook. With small drawings of each herb. And of what container to best keep it in. This went into a small round bottle. Sealed with yarn. It was good for about two weeks. She made seven jars and put them in her own little chest. It was a wooden one that had her name carved into it. Agnes had helped her. Telling her how long each herb should boil before it would properly work. She kept small notes of this before the afternoon was done. First returning to her own chambers when Arya walked into her room again. “Are you excited tor the feast?” Feast? She hadn’t heard of a feast. The confusion must have been readable on her face because Arya let out a small chuckle. “Because the princes are returning there will be a feast. And because I know you don’t like maids I thought we would get dolled up together” Arya said kindly. Allison nodded and just looked at Arya. “Are you excited to see your husband again?” Allison asked her curiously. Arya immediately nodded. Smiling from ear to ear. “I always miss him when he goes away again to train. But the full moon fell between the training so he had to go. He had to take care that nothing would go wrong” ��so it is true? The king—“ “Don’t finish that sentence, but yes, it is true” Allison her eyes widened at those words. She couldn’t believe a father would actually do that to his own children. “But tonight they will return. And there will be music. Maybe you will find someone to dance with” Arya suggested. Allison let out a small laugh. “My lady I will not dance with anyone; I’ll bash their toes” Arya sighed annoyed and undid Allison her corset. “I brought you a new dress. Its darker blue with gold. Much more fitting for dinner” “What will you be wearing?” “A dark green dress. My husband loves the colour on me and I usually wear it when he returns” she said as she showed the two dresses.

Allison had never changed as much in a day as she had done now. She usually wore one dress and it usually was less luxurious than what she was wearing now. The nights here were colder too so the silk was a bit more thick. The corset revealed her breasts just a bit more but not as much as the other ladies their breasts were revealed. Her hair was now completely down yet she had a small diadem in her hair. Not a crown but it was beautiful. It had blue flowers made of glass and silver, “you look like royalty. Just like you are. You have a beautiful bodyAllison; no shame to show it off sometimes” Arya told her seriously. Her green dress was even more define. The dress was green with bronze and silver embroidery. It revealed her breasts but not in a way that would make her look like a hooker allison thought. She actually truly looked like a princess. “Your husband won’t be able to take his eyes or hands off of you” Arya chuckled and went “that’s entirely the point Allison.”

They waited outside together. The night was clear and the stars glittered in the sky like small diamonds. Or glitters. For a moment Allison was reminded of home. The way the scars glittered there too. A small shiver went down her spine when she heard the kings footsteps behind her. These big and heavy footsteps. she didn’t hate the king but she wasn’t fond of him either. He looked around and then stood before them. Waiting for his puppets. Allison watched as at least hundreds of men marched their way forward. Some on horses; some just walking. The princes sat in the front. Tristan Laoghaire was a tall man; he used to be a lot more slender but ever since he trained his muscles were quite big. He had long ink black hair and his eyes were focused on return home. His horse too was black. He had a scar on his eyebrow. And besides him his brother rode. He had a white horse. He was a bit smaller than tristan yet was just as masculine. He rode faster yet had to keep himself in. His hair was a kind of brown that looked a bit red in the light of fire. Some said he looked a lot like his mother had once looked. And then they all halted before the king. Riley was walking. He had dirt all over his arms yet he seemed quite immune with himself. The king and Tristan exchanged words and everyone was ordered back inside.

Inside it smelled define. Like warm meats and good vegetables. Like foods that carried spices with them. There were more fires burning inside. Allison turned to Arya “what did Tristan tell Sebastian?” “That they’d all bathe before joining the feast” she explained as she pointed to a chair. “Your brother will be on your left and Calum on your right. Next to the king.” She said as Allison nodded. Yet everyone remained standing until the army got to the table. And everyone clapped for their warriors. Even if it had just been training; they would be their protectors. Their guiders. Tristan got to his wife and kissed her as Calum got to his chair and turned to Allison. “It has been a long time, Allison” Calum said and kissed her hand. Tristan then looked to the table and clapped his hands. “Sit and eat” there were more tables to seat all soldiers. Yet on the main table the important people were seated. Allison didn’t count herself as important. She was after all just going to be a healer. “We found someone on the training field. A white wolf” Riley told Allison. “A female and up until she saw you she was wailing and howling, wasn’t she Calum? Riley asked. Calum nodded as he ate some of the chicken. “You could’ve told me about the training earlier you know” Allison argued her brother who laughed a bit. “You were barely ready yesterday, besides I trained at home all the time” Allison couldn’t argue her brother on this as she put some mashed potatoes on her plate.

After the feast people danced and laughed. Most soldiers drank as if they hadn’t been able to in months. Tristan and Arya disappeared after 20 minutes to do whatever they went off to do. And Allison stood in the corner; holding her goblet. Eventually she felt a hand on her shoulder. Her hand bawling already yet she then heard “you want to see the wolf?” Riley asked her. The nod she gave was fast. The wolf was a family symbol but not just that; it was her favourite animal.

They walked to Riley his chamber. His room had his weapons stacked onto the wall, and the wolf sat in the middle of the room. As soon as she saw Allison she walked over to her. Allison kneeled and pet the wolf her fur. “She seems a lot calmer with you, she almost bit me and she bit Calum in his hand” “Did Calum take care of it?” Allison asked. Still petting the wolf. “Soldiers don’t take care of things unless forced to. And otherwise they’ll accept a lost limb” Riley said seriously. “Her name shall be Lyall.”Allison interrupted. “And she is mine”

[chcctah]

i’m gonna be .. opening my heart for the first time in public, about personal stuff -- since it’s new years, and i want to write that chapter of my life, to let 2020 take all it’s ugliness and keep it there -- never repeat again ! so i’m going to. i need to. the first step is self consciousness, the second is opening the cage - and i need to work on it, and i wish to get better! so this is part of my life story, and i think i’m okay writing this as there only 2 people following this blog that know me outside of it, and the rest are strangers.

i was bullied during my childhood. i was bullying continuously for more than 12 years straight, since kindergarden to high school. i was talked bad about, used, spat at, bullied by entire school, had my hair pulled, harassed and even beat up -- the moments i remember the most were of verbal abuse. this made me develop social anxiety at age of 10 and think of going to better place from then on - and i lost my self consciousness. i’d see the world as pure evil, with me being the only victim, id always stare at the ground.. during the last year of high school, i regained my self consciousness by mistake, i took a life-changing step that led me to fighting against my mental disability without even my awareness, and i thank everyday for that -- i dont know where i would be today without it. the regain of my self consciousness made me be able to stage my confidence and raise my chest up, to the point that people could never tell theres something wrong beneath it -- and i made friends at military, work.. and today, even in my academy.

this year i started studying in an academy for the first time, and made good cheerful  impression. everyone seem to find liking to me and even come to my dms just to talk or know what they missed during class. -- its the first ever school experience since those years of bullying, the very first time id spend a school year without getting bullied, and everyone being so loving .... and those memories come back, and they repeat again and again. before this year, i’d have a panic attack once in few months, and those were more triggered by completely different things.. but today, i think of the bullying, and although these guys give me so much happiness - i think of it, i get panic attacks every day now for 3 months, every hour -- my body is so weak from its fight or flight responses, i end up needing to sleep several times a day to keep going. -- and all i want today is to be normal, to be able to comminucate with society like a normal person, to be able to keep connections with people even here without suddenly deleting my chat or social platforms, because i get uncontrollable imageries of the worst cases if i wont cut connections once in a while.

this year made me learn more about myself. when i thought my self consciousness given me finally full control of these events of past, that was never the case, and i am seeing it now by my body’s reaction. i kept wondering how come i got over so many bad aspects that were involved with my anxiety: such as, being able to go to the store alone, walking near people my age on the same side of the road, looking up, being able to answer my phone (my biggest achievement!), but barely any improvement of me talking in chat platforms such as discord. i learned that i have pstd that i wasnt aware of, and it highly resolves around my ability to use chat platforms, as 3 major events happened through it that affected my life. it will be more work done to finally recover from that too than simply decreasing the anxiety.

so for this year, i wish to get better. i wish to be able to seek professional help so i could communicate normally with the people i love very much. for this year i wish to hang out in there, to survive, and to reach peace with my heart. for this year, i want to grow stronger, and become a part of everyone. this year, i hope to give my past the greatest battle yet.

happy new 2021 year, and i hope you all would hang in there too, if we just would like -- we can do about anything. i love you all a lots. ❤️