#i have wanted to see this! so! fucking! badly! and fuck anybody who tried to ruin that for me

[frecklystars]

god im so excited for the Barbie movie today. I might be a bit tense while seeing my triggers on screen but honestly I’ve been doing so so so well handling my ptsd the last few weeks and I'm very proud of myself!!!!!

there’s a few triggers I’ve been actively working on reclaiming and I KNOW I’m going to be okay watching the movie bc I am not letting anybody take this from me. I know I’m gonna wanna see it more than once. I even bought myself a cute pink skirt for it ;w;

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

Pretty like the sun

Previous chapter / Next chapter

a/n This is pretty like the wind series spin offs. This can be read as standalone all you need to know is that Azriel has two adoptive kids with OC - Zofie and Axel. Future stories related to them might include stories specifically decided to Azriel hence why I am taging it as Azriel story too. Don't come at me please. ✨

warning: blood, fighting, injuries, drinking.

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Nyx’s pov:

"Again", his voice sounded unfamiliar to him. He had flinched at it after the concept of time had started slipping. For a split moment, Nyx thought that it was his high lord who had spoken. That had caused him a solid punch to the jaw. The boy in front of him looked Nyx over worriedly, as his stance shifted. “You’re in or you're out? I won’t wait forever”, Nyx snarled, leaping forward. Once again, he didn’t remember when they had abandoned their swords. But he preferred it like that. Close and personal. Physical.

Another blow landed against his nose, and Nyx's head flew back. He was well aware that on his good days, the poor chap wouldn’t have landed any of the punches at all. He got close only because Nyx let him. "Enough," an annoyed voice sounded from behind him. A welcome destination for the boy in front of Nyx. It was good enough for princes’s cracked knuckles to meet the target. “Flying fuck," a rough palm gripped Nyx’s shoulder, “You are the most stupid...", a growl. Nyx tried to open his left eye, one that was now too puffed up and throbbed like a bitch. “I suggest you bugger off before I make sure that you’re eating dirt for the rest of the week," Axel’s deep growl echoed, making Nyx chuckle lightly. “Man, he asked for it", the guy lifted his palms in defiance. “And if he told you to jump from the cliff, would you do it?", the boy shrugged, only making Axel let out yet another frustrated sigh, and the other Illyrian took it as his chance to leave.

“You will make a wonderful advisor in the future," Nyx skittered. “I think I will have your ass six feet under before that could even happen," Axel grumbled, pulling at his friend’s arms and trying to help him up. “I left you for a fucking hour, Nyx," he huffed, draping Nyx’s arm over his shoulders. "Yeah, I missed you. I had to settle for a fight with an idiot”. Nyx huffed. “Do I need to remind you that you have an important high-lord party to attend soon?"—that was one of the reads Nyx had let his rails loose. He hoped that if he misbehaved badly enough and looked like a walking corpse when the day chimed, he could wiggle his ass out of it. The thought alone made him want to bend over and vomit. He wasn’t built to be a prince. He didn’t want it. It wasn’t him. Wasn’t the life he envisioned for himself.

“You’ve been acting like an absolute fool ever since we came back from Velaris; what has gotten into you?", Axel kicked the door to their cabin before guiding Nyx toward his bed. Your sister happened to me, he thought, but bit his tongue. “I just wanted to fight," Nyx growled instead. Only now did he feel how badly his body hurt. That fucker had landed more blows than Nyx had initially counted. “I know you, and this ain’t you. You can talk to me. We always talk about it”, Axel shoved Nyx’s hand away from his face before dragging a warm cloth over the swollen eye. And what would he tell him? I can't get your fucking sister out of my head. Do you know why we cannot see each other for a bit? Why is she even pulling away? Nyx grunted, pulling the cloth out of Axel’s hands.

“Why don’t you start by telling me who you’ve been running around with instead?”. It was low. Axel had a right to have a life outside of being Nyx’s right-hand man. And his love life didn’t need to be accounted for. But Nyx was so angry. Angry at everything and everyone. People constantly kept him in the dark. And then threw a bucket of news in his face while expecting him to receive it with open hands. “I ain’t running around with anybody," Axel shook his head, throwing a jar of salve Nyx’s way. But the scowl on the young prince’s face only deepened, “So, Piper doesn’t ring a bell?”. And bingo. Axel’s whole body got ridged. Did Nyx have no right to go and dig into the new arrival papers? Probably. But here they were. “Keep her name out of your fucking mouth," Axel pointed a warning finger at him, clearly not finding this one bit amusing. “And you stand here giving me lectures about sharing things," Nyx chuckled, “So why aren’t you talking, friend?" Axel shook his head, “Clean yourself up and sober up while you’re at it." He moved towards the door, and something in Nyx shifted. Axel never left. Not even when Nyx was in his shittest of moods. He had always been the only one to not leave him. Sit through his temper tantrums. "Axel," Nyx breathed, panic rising in his chest. He didn’t want to be alone right now. His head was too busy. He was too full of things he didn’t want to think of. “I’m only going to grab you some fresh water; lay down you twat," Axel grumbled back, easing the rising tide within Nyx. He nodded simply, slumping back on the mattress. His hand instantly moved beneath his pillow, where he always kept a stitched napkin that Zofie had given him. The crooked moon and stars greeted him like they always did. The stick figures holding hands. The flowers. Even the wonky sun on the far left side was perfect. Always perfect. “I’m thinking about you," Nyx muttered, brushing his fingers over the stick figure that was supposed to represent Zofie, “It’s one never-ending night over here without you, Sunny."

Zofie’s pov:

It’s only been a week, but it felt like forever. She never usually felt so desperate when they left. At least not after the first week. But she had grown restless. The cry that left Nyx’s lips as he shot up to the sky was still ringing loud and clear. Zofie heard it even through her hammering heartbeat. With her back pressed against the door, as she covered her mouth. And now it felt as if she hadn’t seen Nyx in a lifetime. It clawed at her. She knew that Axel would look after him, but... What if something happened, and that’s how they would have separated?

Zofie didn’t know what she was feeling. It all seemed too mushy and jumbled up. Now, instead of seeing a different aura around people, she simply saw black. It was impossible to distinguish between different feelings.

“Zo, do you want more pancakes?", her father’s voice made her almost drop her fork as she nodded. Azriel gave her a concerned look before plopping one of his signature breakfast goods onto her plate. “You excited to see the girls?", he asked, throwing a glance your way, only earning a slight shrug in return. “Yeah, am… It will be nice”, even if she didn’t want to see anyone. Well, maybe Piper. Axel had said that she was one of the nice girls. One Zofie could get to know if only she chose to.

“Ah, yes. You’ll be able to show them around; you can even go down to the market in the city," you chimed in, “and buy something nice or show them the good spots." But Zofie didn’t want to do that. Most spots had been hers and Nyx’s. They felt too personal to just be handed out. The same pinch in her chest made the hallow darkness spread even more. Her brows knitted as she pushed the plate further away from her. “You didn’t like it?", Azriel stopped mid-bite, almost making Zofie feel guilty. Almost. “Just not hungry," she shrugged, getting up from the table. She caught a glimpse of worry in her father’s eyes as she moved towards the stairs. The way you had reached out to squeeze his hand. And while Zofie didn’t want to keep you two in the dark, she didn’t know how to explain the emptiness inside her.

Just the fresh air and change of scenery didn’t help. It was nice to see her aunts and introduce herself to Piper, but socializing was never her thing. Nyx did most of the talking when they were out in public. He was born for that. It baffled her how quickly he managed to come up with a snarky remark as if he stored them all within his brain with special labels for just the right moment. Zofie tried to suffocate thoughts of him. Tried. But failed miserably. Everything she did or thought of was always in one way or another related to him. The thing was that she didn’t want to leave him like that. She didn't want to make him upset, but she also didn’t know how to make everyone happy. So, until she could come up with a solution, it would have to be like that.

“In my opinion, he is so much more attractive," one of the girls giggled into her palms. Attractive? How long has Zofie been out of this conversation? They were talking about the market day the last time she listened. “Well, Piper is the one who got to talk to him," the brow haired girl nudged the poor Piper, who had practically curled into herself by now, “Is he really hot up close?”.

Zofie shook her head. “Who’s hot?", she cut in, making all four sets of eyes dart up to her. And now she realized why she hated speaking in the first place. “Piper here had the prince’s second man carry her boxes”, Lina’s blond curls bobbed as she turned. But that was Axel? Why was Axel even here in the first place? He told her they could... Of course, he had met her. “Well, that’s my brother, so can we not talk weirdly about him?", Zofie scrunched up her nose, making the other two girls roll their eyes. But at least Piper’s shoulders sagged in relief. "Bore," the copycat next to Lina chirped. Zofie just couldn’t remember her name.

“We sure can talk about the prince himself," Lina smirked, and something snapped deep within Zofie, “There’s nothing to talk about." Suddenly, the prospect of having girls her age seemed like the worst idea ever. “As if... I’m determined to meet him," Lina said. The green mist rose in Zofie’s vision. “Gonna swoon him off his feet; heard he’s a proper flirt two," she elbowed her double ganger as they both chuckled.

“He will not fall for your shit," Zofie bit back, not even realizing that her hands were now firmly clenched by angry fists. “And how would you know that?", Lina fluffed her lashes. How did she know? She didn’t. Lina was pretty; you couldn’t take that from her. From the hair to her lean body. She was the embodiment of how any girl wanted to look. While Zofie… “He is my friend," she muttered, biting out the nagging thoughts. Lina chuckled, “Yeah, a friend. So, clearly, if you’re not girlfriend material, I will be."

It felt as if a bomb had exploded all around her. Vision glazing over. She saw nothing. Only Lina. She heard no one. Only Lina. And surprisingly, the girl wasn’t smiling. She looked petrified. Grasping at her throat. It felt static. As if the time had come to a halt. And then someone yanked her back. Pulling Zofie away from the neatly placed picnic blanket.

"Zofie", it sounded muffled, but her eyes did follow the sound. Only to be met with Feyre’s concerned ones. She blinked a couple of times. The fuzzy feeling cleared out. “She’s insane," a shriek sounded from behind her, making Zofie twist back. “You are dangerous, you stupid..." it was Lina, her cheeks still red, eyes wide. “Don’t finish that sentence," Cassian was gripping her shoulder, but he didn’t look too concerned with the girl. His eyes were on Zofie.

Zofie blinks a couple of times, black spots dancing in the corners of her vision. What had she done? Was it even her? Why did she... “Why don’t we go drink some tea, dear?", Feyre wrapped a hand around her shoulders. "I...", Zofie barely muttered before Feyre cut in, “Some tea with lots of honey, yes, yes." A part of Zofie wanted to run. Like she always did. Run away and hide. But Feyre pushed some of hair behind her ear, “We’ll have a nice conversation you and I”, she muttered almost ti herself, “Bake cookies even. Cookies always help”.

Nyx’s pov:

“Give me that," Axel said, snatching the glass out of Nyx’s hand, “You’ve been here for an hour." An hour too long. The hustle of the people was making Nyx sick. It was bad enough that he had to stand for the majority of that hour next to his parents, smiling as if he was thrilled to be there while he was slowly dying inside. Nyx kept dead-eye contact with Axel through it all, even if there was a sea of females who were trying to catch his eyes.

“I still think that you should cover for me so I can sneak out," Nyx grumbled. He had made at least five escape plans; he even planned to fake an allergic reaction, but Axel hadn’t been as thrilled about that. “Midnight. We had a deal”, Axel muttered, scanning the crowd. He was Nyx’s hawk, noting slipped past Axel. And as much as Nyx hated to admit it, Azriel was the one who had taught him all of it. “But you’ll dance with half of the girls in that line," Nyx nodded towards the girls who hadn’t stopped staring at him ever since the night began. “They ain’t her for me, kitten," Axel mused, making Nyx roll his eyes. “I’ll put a good word out for you," the prince said with a tap on his friend’s shoulder.

“Is your family coming?", Nyx scanned the crowd for familiar face. Well, correction. Is Zofie coming? He had tried to sneak back to Velaris before all this. He had to because his brain was going into overdrive. It had been eleven days, eighteen hours, forty-seven minutes, and 45... 46 seconds till he had laid eyes on her. And by now, he was more than okay with just catching a glimpse. He could do with that. He would settle for that. “Papa should," Axel said calmly, “Ma’ wasn’t feeling too well, so she’s back at the cottage." Translation: Zofie didn’t want to go, so Y/N stayed back with her. Nyx clenched his jaw. “Everyone’s healthy and well?", he was fishing for straws here, and he knew it. “Yeah, it’s all well; little one is growing too fast, though. Could have sworn she fit in my palm before we left," Axel muttered, and a part of Nyx was glad that he hadn’t caught onto his real intentions.

“Here you are”, a strong palm landed on Nyx’s shoulder, making the boy look to the side. His smug father stood there, way too happy with himself. “High Lord," Axel said, lowering his head in greeting, even though Nyx had specifically told him to not kiss his father with flatly. “You two are hiding in the back as if this is a funeral," Rhys shook his head with a smile, “Come up to the front tables; quite a couple of people are looking for you." Nyx’s eye twitched. If only he could scream now. He was convinced all the windows would shatter. He wanted out. Why was no one catching onto the fact that he was suffocating? He didn’t want to be a part of his father’s plans. He didn’t want to be a perfect son. A one-day-crowned prince.

Nyx was sure that Rhys could see the malice burning through his eyes, considering that his face went dead serious. Nyx knew that his father would stomp his foot, and he would have to do it. Or that pleading look on his mother’s face would claw at his heart till he gave in. He felt Axel’s hand on his shoulder blade. He was spiraling then. His magic was flaring up and Axel was warning him like he always did. Nyx was about to open his mouth when his eye caught movement behind his father. His eyes narrowed. Vision sharpening, and then it all died down.

The ringing in his ears faded. The choking feeling subsided. “Nyx, I am talking to you," Rhys said, gripping his upper hand, but Nyx shook it off as he stepped forward. Smile tugging at his lips. She was a vision. There might have been hundreds of females here tonight. Wrapped in the most expensive silks and velvet. But he hadn’t given them a second glance. And now she stood there at the top of the staircase. Looking over the hall. Nyx only hoped that she was looking for him.

And then her gaze found his. As if he had brought it right back to him. As if in a sea of bodies, she knew where he would be. And then she smiled. And Nyx was convinced that someone had spiked the wine because she shouldn’t be smiling. He moved faster, his hands gripping the railing as he jogged up the stairs. He missed every other step as he went. Was it appropriate? No. Was he making a spectacle considering that they were right above everyone and had nowhere to blend in? Yes. But did he care? No. Because even with twenty stairs separating them, she was too far away, and at the same time, she was in front of him way too quickly, leaving him no time to pick through his thoughts.

“You came?", Nyx breathed heavily. Zofie crossed her arms over her chest, looking him up and down. "I had a feeling you were struggling to get through this," she said casually, “Axel said that your sassiness has been off lately." Nyx wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry at this point as he stepped closer to her, shielding her tiny frame from any curious glances. "Sunny," he muttered, ready to watch her fade away the same way she always did in his dreams.

“Your hands are trembling," she breathed, reaching out for his palms, “Why are your hands trembling?" Her worried eyes looked up at him, and he was ready to sink to his knees in front of her. “I… I am nervous”, he muttered like a teenager, looking at his first-ever crush. “You never get nervous around me," Zofie frowned, shaking her head. And then there was one heartbeat. One. Nyx’s left hand reached behind her as he pulled her into his chest, wrapping her up in his embrace.

He was shivering all over. But all the systems in his body that had been flashing red for days now were finally running smoothly. It felt as if he could finally breathe. That lavender sugar scent that she carried drowned him in her. “We need to get out of here," Nyx breathed again, her hair neatly braided with daisies. “I didn’t spend an hour lacing this for nothing," Zofie muttered, pulling back from his embrace. Both of their eyes fall onto the deep purple and black bodice. A vision. Nyx reached for her hand. “I’ll appreciate the hell out of it for you, Zof; I will," he muttered, dragging her towards the double-sided door. He heard gasps as he moved. Pretty sure he even heard his name being called. Pret sure he heard footsteps. But the moment he was out in the cold night air, he wrapped his arms around Zofie once more. Bringing her as close as he possibly could before shooting up at the sky and winnowing halfway through the plush clouds. Now that he had gotten his sun back, not even the devil himself was strong enough to take her away.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Taglist: @sirenpearldust @historygeekqueen @hnyclover @i-am-a-lost-girl16 @naturakaashi i @stressed-reader @woodland-mist @goldenmagnolias @nocasdatsgay @lees-chaotic-brain

[kaiyaamin]

He’s not that bad

Eric Divergent x reader

warning: none

word count: 927

It was late at night, and I could not sleep at all. Only listening to the loud snores and shuffling of the wind outside. Tomorrow was our final fight and rankings for the first stage and I was praying I would make it. After a while, I quietly snuck out and walked around the halls, it was dark, with no light, no sound only the waves crashing near the chasm. Finally, I stopped walking near the training room, I walked in front of the punching bag, punching it as hard as I could, the bag only moving a little. Until I found a warm breath hitting my neck.

"You're doing it wrong" I turned around and was met with cold ocean-blue eyes. Are you stalking me now Coulter? but I got no reply only a burning death stare basically asking me, do I have a death wish. " No, I was walking and found you here in the training room, so why are you in the training room so late at night?" an amusing Eric asks. Well if it was not obvious, I was practicing for my fight tomorrow. After a few seconds, I feel Eric's hands on my body. "you need to create tension in your core because of the size differences between you and the others". I don't know why but all I could think about was his smooth hands touching my body. But after a second he disappeared and left the training room with me wondering what had happened. I punched the bag again causing it to sway much faster. After practicing for a few hours, I decided to head back before anybody saw me.

"WAKEEEE UPPPPP!", screamed four. He was Banging the side of the wall with a pipe. I woke up startled, remembering today was our final fight and what had happened yesterday with Eric. " hey are you ok". Huh,... oh hey Tris, yeah, I am alright. "OK, you just seemed spaced out lately". Don't worry I am fine. and she left to shower.

I was sitting between Christina and Tris, anxiously waiting, biting my nails. Which I know is a bad habit. In my final fight, I was against Drew, which is better than going against Peter. Eric had called me and Drew to ring, Drew had a smug smile on his face, Oh how I wanted to wipe it off his face so badly. Drew tried to hit me first but I was fast enough to duck, an advantage to me being small. We were fighting for god knows how long, both of us not giving up. He hit me in my face causing blood to come but maybe as a defense or for pleasure I hit where the sun didn't shine, he won't be making any babies Damn. I Won my fight Man did it feel good. And Eric even gave me a smile well if you called that a smile but nonetheless a smile.

Right, the final ranking will be posted at the end of dinner, you can leave now, Four said rather eagerly. But I didn't care, I was starving for some chocolate cake.

It was the end of the dinner and I had a good feeling I would at least be in the top 15. I looked on top of the balcony where the rankings would be announced but instead, I found dark blue eyes looking at me, Eric, I whispered to myself. I stood there not breaking eye contact with him until he started to talk.

It is the end of stage one, here are your rankings, if you are not placed in the top 20 then pack your things and leave Dauntless compound. Damn, how can Eric say that with no emotion at all but no matter? I see my name sitting at 9 place which was better than I hope. I left leaving Christina with Will and Tris who already left. I was walking deep in thought happy I made it this far till I bumped into a certain someone, ERIC.

Fuck, Fuck, I am so dead if anyone notices I am missing you will probably find me in the bottom of the chasm by Eric. But instead, he just grunted and mumbled something under his breath, which I couldn't understand. Initiate, and watch where you are going, with harshness Eric said. It's your fault, you bumped into me first and I think you owe me an apology, with confidence I replied. Alright, ALRIGHT that's all he answered, I was praying he wouldn't hurt because of my big mouth but he just replied so plainly. I almost thought for a second he was getting a cold.

it was the initiate's party for completing stage one. I don't know why, but I kept looking for a blue-eyed leader until I saw him. I ignored him pretending as if I did not see him.

Instead, I danced to the music swaying my hips around while dancing I felt a pair of strong hands wrap tightly around my waist, guiding me to dance more. I turn around seeing Eric as I wrap my arms around his neck. We continued dancing with each other no matter how many strange looks we got.

As Eric and I walked out of the party, I realized he was not as bad as we spent the rest of the night together.

[newpercyjfan]

“I plunge to my death” Percy Jackson Au

Ok first, if you somehow came up with this exact thing already, i wouldn’t know, I don’t even follow the Percy Jackson tag yet, but just tell me and I’ll take it down or tag it as an alt universe of your au and credit it, but I have like three other ones I’ll be posting so we’ll see.

- This au is connected to both the tv show and the book because I like what both did in terms of the arch episode.

- This mostly goes how the tv show episode goes, Percy gets poisoned, they get to the top of the arch, he sacrifices himself. But this time, he does pray to his dad as he falls over 100 ft to his death.

- His dad doesn’t answer. He’s the one who somehow last second, controls the water to save himself. He sinks to the bottom of the lake and gets stuck. He feels the poison and his wounds get slightly better.

-In this au, the nereid doesn’t actually help him get out of the water, because in this version it’s inspired by how in the books, when he left the water the wounds came back. If he leaves the lake, he could die.

- So he stays stuck there for almost three days while the nereids bring him seaweed and shit to eat, but eventually he gets sick of it.

- he learns that Poseidon didn’t really want him to leave, at least not yet, mainly because he knew if he left he would continue to be chased by monsters or die in some way and believed a war would come either way. Basically, if the Poseidon that said “heroes always end badly, I regret getting your mom pregnant” actually did something about it

- but of course, he can’t keep Perseus ‘I don’t listen to anybody but myself’ Jackson down in a lake without him going a lil crazy and he breaks the root holding him down and swims to shore, but the poison instantly kicks back in, and gets back in the water

- his father gifts him a hydrai (a large vase/urn basically that carry’s water) that holds basically a portal to the ocean in it. GUYS LISTEN, I HEARD THIS MYTH SOMEWHERE BUT WHEN I TRIED TO FIND THE SOURCE IT DISAPPEARED. I was positive I heard that there was a vase that held the ocean in it somewhere so just take my word 😭

- the mist makes it look like a water bottle with no label 😭💀💀💀

- Percy accepts the gift because he wants to get out of there, but he suddenly does not have a very good idea of the gods or specifically his father. I don’t think the nereid actually told him that his father really did care, at least a little bit, all he saw it as was his dad not thinking he would succeed/ he saw it as Zeus turning Thalia into a tree because he didn’t want to idk disprespect the other gods? Cause it was easier than defending her? That’s how Percy sees it anyways

- Meanwhile, Grover and annabeth are convinced he died. They looked and called for him, but there was no proof of his survival, so instead annabeth took his place in a lot of missions to fulfill the quest cause she’s a girl boss like that.

- I think her main theory of what happened to him is straight up “I saw him fall and didn’t see him land, so maybe he turned into the lake or a tree or something too” 💀😭

- anyways Percy gets chased by another monster but has no more fucks to give. He’s scary. He’s pale, has dark eyes and a taste for vengeance.

- he tries to find annabeth and Grover but they’re pretty ahead of him.

- my main idea is that they meet again in the underworld with hades and they are little wary honestly.

- also omg I didn’t think of this before but what if they thought, hey, he’s in the underworld, guess he did die 💀.

-But anyways what I thought would happen was annabeth and Grover get there first and annabeth has the backpack with the bolt in it. Hades asks if they wanted a trade and that’s why they came. He bluffs and tells them if they give him the bolt and the helmet he’d let go Percy’s mom or “bring back” percy. (Hades knows percy is not dead and is kinda pissed that Percy is constantly on the edge of death but making it because of his dad technically, and he can’t take him to punishment field or whatever he calls it idk)

- I think annabeth chooses percy and is about to give the bag over, but realizes he was tricked and he was never dead. But idk. There are so many diff ways this could go and I’d love to hear how you guys would write it. I’d love some reblog a that add to this idea.

Also I need unhinged percy content

(Sorry if the art or wording is bad, it’s late and I’m tired)

[mrsfrankadler]

Figuring it out.

jake jensen x f!reader, bucky barnes x f!reader

A/N: LOOK WHAT Y/N’S MESSY ASS DID NOW🤣🤣 she’s all over the place.. lordt. but in her defence, she is in a vulnerable state, things will be normal for her soon. & don’t be afraid to hit up that ask box 💋

Warning: intentional lower case, not in y/n’s pov, angst?, silly little pet names 🙃 ( doll, dollface, baby ), kissing, SMUT ( p in v, praise, no aftercare 😓 ), awkwardness :/

Summary: babygirl is all over the place ( i am bad at summaries ) 🤕. can be read as a standalone but ⬂

pt1 pt2

⋆

the morning after your… unfortunate date with ransom, your alarm wakes you up earlier than usual. the jarring sound of that familiar ringtone reminded you of the obstacle you had to face today.

you were finally going back to work after your - much needed - mental health break.

being in a relationship with syd was hard in itself, but when he finally upped and left, that took a huge toll on your life. you were already affected mentally by the way he treated you when you were together but regardless you stuck around, so when he chose to leave, it just made you feel like shit.

when he noticed the effect of the break-up, jake suggested that you take some time off work to focus on yourself and try to recover, and so you did. but now that time was up.

jake was startled awake by the sounds of you rushing around to get ready, he was going to have to get used to you being awake at this time again.

you hear the floorboards creak as jake slowly steps out of his room, you peek your head out your door to see him in nothing but pajama shorts… who needs boundaries?

“you’re up early, y/n/n…” he points out, rubbing the tiredness from his eyes.

“yeah, jay, i’m back to work today.”

he tries to hide his concern knowing you wouldn’t want him worrying about you but he can’t help the way his eyes widen at your statement. “ah. i remember.”

“yup.”

“huh.”

“so i gotta go jake, love you, i would hug you but you’re basically naked,” he frowns as you kiss him on the cheek, and with a deep breath, you’re out the door.

⋆

when you arrive at work, you make a bee-line straight to your little cubicle, not wanting anybody to ask too many questions about your whereabouts or your mental state.

when you thought you’d made it safe, you sunk into your chair and let out a deep breath. this is not so bad, you thought. until you heard a voice that was all too familiar to you. shit.

“well whaddaya know!” he practically bellowed at your cubicles entrance, “long time no see, dollface.”

luckily there was virtually no one in your vicinity so he didn’t draw to much attention. you let it slide.

you swivelled on your chair to face him, “barnes.”

bucky barnes, though you acted like you hated him, might have been the best part of your days at work. he was always cracking jokes and trying to make you laugh but you could never let him know you really found him amusing or he’d get too cocky.

“so, you were gone… and now you’re back.” he tilted his head with a grin. did he even know where he was going with this conversation? “what’s up with that?”

“yeah, i was. do you need something, barney? i wasn’t even gone that long.” you sighed.

“i missed you calling me that.”

“i didn’t miss your flirting.”

“oh, shit, yeah you have that boyfriend right?” he smirked and you internally groaned, screwing your eyes shut. really barnes?

the two of you stew in awkwardness before you break the silence.

“yeahhh, no. i don’t fuck with him anymore. we broke up.”

bucky’s face dropped. “ohh…” he just stood and scratched the back of his head, “damn.” and you huff out an annoyed sigh, resting your head in your hands on your desk until this idiot pipes up again.

“what happened? if you don’t mind me asking.” he came and sat on your desk.

“he treated me badly pretty much throughout the relationship and then he just dumped me. pretty much out of nowhere.” you just sighed.

“fuck, that’s awful. i’m sorry that happened to you…”

“yeah, thanks.”

“well, do you want a hug.. or something?” he trailed off, expecting to get shot down but;

“yes.”

you had to stand up slightly on your tippy toes to wrap your arms around his neck and you rested your head on his warm chest. his big hands smoothed over your back, rubbing up and down to comfort you. you practically melted into his embrace, had you ever even hugged bucky before? shit felt good as fuck.

when you pull away, his hands linger on your waist and your mind starts to wander. why was he being so sweet and comforting? why did he seem genuinely concerned for me? does he actually care about me?

his steel blue eyes looked down at you through droopy lids. is he..?

he pressed a chaste kiss to your forehead. innocent enough. friendly enough.

he stared for a moment,

and then he ducked his head down to swipe his lips over yours. gently and barely, he kissed you.

“oh.”

“hm, i’m sorry, i shouldn’t-“

you decided to kiss him again, of course, to shut him up, no other reason. you figured you wouldn’t be able to handle the awkwardness that would follow his apology.

‘i’m sorry i kissed you, you’re going through a hard time, i overstepped’ etc, ugh no. if you were going to ruin the current dynamic of this friendship, you were going to get some fun out of it.

to avoid drawing attention, you whispered, “hm, it’s like three minutes till our lunch break and i think i want you to take me to the storage closet...”

if anything could evoke an instant boner from bucky barnes, it would be that sentence right there.

“and what would we do in there?” he smirked raising a brow.

“just shut up and let’s go.”

the two of you subtly made your way round to the storage room and briefly checked your surroundings before going inside. thank fuck there were no cameras around here.

when you had both made your way in, bucky immediately pushed you gently against the wall and started to kiss you again. his desperation was evident in the kiss, you could tell he’d wanted this for a really long time..

“i’ve wanted this for a really long time.” he whispered while trailing wet kisses down the nape of your neck.

all you can do is moan in response because, have you? you weren’t to sure.

he quickly gets to work and bunching your skirt up to your hips and moving your underpants to the side. at a tormentingly slow pace, he begins to rub circles on your clit eliciting a strained whine from you.

“that feel good?” you can practically hear the smirk is evident in his tone, as he dips his middle finger down to your hole to collect your slick, “fuck you’re wet.”

“well, that probably means you should hurry up and fuck me. you know, before we get caught.” you whispered to him.

he chuckles lowly, unbuckling and taking down his pants but his laughter comes to a halt as you begin to push his tip against your clit, silently begging him to get on with it. he smoothed his hands down the backs of your thighs, lifting you up so that you were just about hovering over the head of his dick and resting on the shelf behind you.

“you ready for me, doll?” he pressed a sloppy kiss to the side of your mouth. you nodded, ‘mhm’, and that was all the confirmation he needed to slowly lower you down onto his length, sharply sucking in air.

“awh fuck,” he groaned into your ear as he thrusted upwards into your cunt. “feel so fucking good around me, angel.”

the way he was moaning and whispering praises in your ear had you so wet to the point where he was effortlessly slipping in and out of you. his speed was causing the shelf you were rested on to rattle and shake which was making you both laugh slightly. you could feel him panting hot breath against your neck as he quickly rutted into you and you bit your lip to stifle your moans.

bucky admired you slightly sweaty, half-lidded form, “you’re so beautiful, y/n/n. can you feel what you do to me?”

getting praised and complimented like this was a stark contrast to your relationship with syd. sex with him was always pretty rough and there was never much love there. this felt different. in a good way.

the position that you were in mean that your clit was rubbing right up against his pelvis making it almost impossible to stay quiet.

to avoid finishing to quickly - you assume - he began to slow his pace, meaning he was now grinding into you with slow deep strokes that drove you crazy. you couldn’t help but let out quiet whimpers as you gripped his shoulder.

“you getting close?” he started to kiss on your neck.

“awh shit, bucky, i’m gonna-”

“come on, baby, come on this dick.” he grunted, his thrusts beginning to speed up again, indicating that he was also close. “can feel you squeezing me, just let go.”

“fuck!” you whisper-yelled as you reached your climax.

bucky pulled out of you and finished with a moan shooting his spend onto your inner thigh. breathlessly, he rested his head on your shoulder for a moment. you tapped his bicep,

“come on barney, don’t fall asleep on me now, i got places to be,” you checked your watch, “still got 8 minutes of lunch left.”

he picked you up off the shelf and gently placed you back down on your wobbly feet.

you turned to get a kleenex from the shelf to wipe away his jizz from your thigh and pulled your skirt back down.

“‘kay, fine, bossy. you go out first and i’ll come out five minutes later.” you could hear him redoing his belt buckle.

“okay cool.” you chirped, “um, thanks for… cheering me up, barnes. you are sweet.” you gave him a brief hug before slipping out of the moderately spacious big storage closet.

you inwardly sighed. what the fuckk.

⋆

the rest of your afternoon at work was not very eventful. just the usual shit. answering the occasional phone call, writing emails, counting down the minutes to go home… you didn’t really see much of bucky for the rest of that day but the thought of him didn’t leave your head. you just couldn’t really comprehend what you ( and him ) had done.

you let the flirty fuckboy at work hit it, real classy y/n. what is jake gonna think? you had to tell him, you two told each other everything so it would be wrong to keep this from him. it’s not like he’d be that bothered anyway. why would he care?

…

“YOU WHAT??” who were you trying to kid, you knew he wouldn’t take it well.

you were sat on the living room couch whilst he was frantically pacing living room.

“with that guy? ‘cause i don’t really know about him..,” he paused, “why?”

“hm, i was really horny i guess.” you rubbed your temples, “don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“oh no, hey, there’s nothing wrong with you.” he came and sat by you on the couch, “‘m not judging you. just confused. did you want to sleep with him?”

“i’m not sure jake. i just, i opened up to him a little about syd and, he comforted me and he gave a hug, but it was a weird hug and-“

“hey, hey,” he pulled you into his side and rested his head on top of yours. “i guess you don’t have to know right now. you’ll figure it out at some point.”

you just hummed in response.

“so how was your day, jake?”

he scoffed, “not as eventful as yours.” earning him a playful punch in his arm.

“whatever man.”

“you wanna watch adventure time?”

“yeah, jay.”

—

a/n: gollllyyy. i was tired when i wrote this so it’s not that great & im also pretty bad at endings but the middle wasn’t too bad…🤷🏾‍♀️ anyways what do we think. i dont see her going back to bucky and this was her seeking comfort in perhaps the wrong form but, what can you do?

[sonofthesaiyans]

So it’s come to my attention.....

Apparently there are elements of the Eremika fandom out there that really cannot stand to see their favorite ship called out for the flagrantly toxic pairing that it has slowly devolved into. For one stubborn faction out there in the AOT fandom, Eremika still reigns supreme. 

You know, even after.......

Yeah. Even after this, there are fans out there who still want these two together. Fans who refuse to hear out that these two truly never had a chance due to their clashing priorities and personalities.......And the fact that Eren was revealed to be a sociopathic POS the entire time (That’s still a fucked up twist, I don’t care how you try to rationalize the ending). 

In light of a recent incident where I came under attack for expressing my growing distaste for this “couple”, I just want to set one thing straight. 

This is most definitely NOT a Pro-Eremika blog. This is NOT a place where you’ll find me empathizing with this idea any more than you’ve ever seen me take pity on that bitch Gabi Braun. That is simply not the case here. 

It should not be news to anybody that Eremika in more recent time is blamed for holding back Mikasa’s character growth, and I am in the crowd that firmly believes it stunted her badly as a character who truly could exist on her own without Eren as a crutch. And it pisses me off to say that because Mikasa was my initial favorite of the series. 

This ship is emotionally abusive. Eren never regarded Mikasa with much more than passing acknowledgement and any time where she voiced her affection for him, it left negligible impact on him. They may have been heavily reliant on each other in battle but the relationship is entirely from Mikasa’s side, NOT Eren’s. And the fact that he manipulated her and all his allies to kill billions is somehow not a dealbreaker for either herself OR the fans who stand by it.....

Wow, why not we go back to that forgotten time where we shipped Mikasa with Levi? (Thankfully I was too late to the game for that one) Next I suppose someone will suggest I invest myself in Fucking Falco and Garbage Braun. And yes, I will get back to my actual opinions on Falco later, as I earlier hinted....

A lot of people think I’m harsh in my opinions and my attitude......

And, you’re not wrong. 

But that doesn’t mean I can’t freely express my opinions, and the most recent time I expressed my opposition to Eremika, I think I was being fairly tame in my comments. 

So if someone wants to give my shit because I spoke ill of their favorite pairing, to you I say this.....

Yeah I don’t care if you disapprove, and I don’t like fans who try to control what I say because I simply expressed disagreement, and certainly not with anybody on a personal level in this instance until they tried to order me around. 

Over a bloody anime pairing, and certainly not one that should be taken as a case of a healthy relationship. 

This place is most definitely not one you’re gonna like if you’re a hardcore Eremika fan. Sorry, but if you wanna be salty with me over that, you’re wasting your time. This is why I don’t involve myself with shipping, it makes fans CRAZY. And I hate to see what kind of relationships these fans want in life if Eremika is their OTP. 

So no, there’s no haven for Eremika around here, don’t like it? Look another direction. I’m not an Eremika shipper. By now anyone who’s been here for five minutes should understand I ain’t a fucking Eren fan any more than I am a fan of Gabi or that goddamn ending. And right now I can only can Mikasa a pitiful waste of potential. Because of Eremika. 

Not looking for trouble with Eremika fans, but you keep it to yourself, I want no part of it. This is not a blog for Eremika, and if you see the occasional Eremika criticism, not the end of the fucking world. 

[cinnamontoastcrunch-15]

Look who’s procrastinating from their long fics by writing oneshots? Me!

Today’s @wolfstarmicrofic prompt is Glimpse!!

Also TW for attempted sa (nothing happens and it’s a really light reference but still)

Remus was going on a date.

With a guy who wasn’t Sirius.

Which honestly shouldn’t have been a problem, because they weren’t together, they had never been together, and if that date went well, then they never had a chance to be together.

But James could very clearly see that Sirius found it a problem, as he showed up unannounced to James and Lily’s flat, asking James if he wanted to go for a run. James knew all too well what that meant. He was upset and didn’t know whether or not he wanted to talk about it yet. Still, James dutifully got up, transformed in a field, and just… ran. They ran and ran and ran, and James could feel the tension slowly be released from Sirius. Eventually, they stopped by a small pond, and James shifted back to himself, rolling out his shoulders. From the corner of his eye, he watched Sirius doing the same, staring out into the clear water, watching the sunlight dancing across the stillness. James didn’t press the matter. He knew if Sirius wanted to talk, he would.

“It’s his third date, now.” Sirius finally got out.

Ah.

“Same guy?”

“Mm, same guy.” He sighs, and James finally turned his head towards Sirius, watching his jaw tense up. “And I- I want him to be happy, Prongs, I really do, it’s just- I fucked up, not telling him how I feel, and I’m- I just regret it. I regret it so fucking much, Prongs.”

“I know, Padfoot, I know.”

“What if I- what if I never get the chance to?” His voice caught in his throat, and James wrapped an arm around Sirius’ shoulders. “I can’t move on, James, I’ve tried so hard.” He rested his head on James’ shoulder, and he knew that there were at least a few tears rolling down Sirius’ cheeks, as his hand went up to swipe them away. James didn’t comment on it. “I love him.” He ended with a whisper, James tightening his grip.

“Is it too late to tell him?” James asked softly.

“Yeah, it is. I don’t want to swoop in and fuck up Remus’ new relationship. He deserves to be happy, even-“ he swallowed, fighting the breakdown. “Even if it’s not with me. Especially if it’s not with me, really.” Sirius added, under his breath, and James’ head snapped up sharply.

“Don’t say that.” He started sternly. “You’re fucking amazing, and anybody would be winning the lottery to be with you, alright?” James was not about to have Sirius talking badly about himself.

“Yes, fine, James, I’ll marry you, if you keep coming on to me.” Sirius heaved a dramatic sigh and James laughed, Sirius joining in quickly. He was happy that he could at least make Sirius smile.

They walked back to the flat, instead of apparating, the fresh air being good for the both of them, really.

James definitely didn’t expect to see Remus sat with Lily when they got back.

He was pretty sure that Sirius stopped breathing when he saw him, and James arched a confused eyebrow.

“Hey, Moony!” James started, furrowing his brow at the sight of Remus, suddenly realising just how… upset he looked. He was about to say something, but Sirius beat him to it.

“Are you alright? I thought you were going out with Sam.” Remus’ lips pressed into a thin line, giving both Sirius and James their answers. Something bad happened.

“Yeah, that’s not- that’s not happening anymore.” James’ eyes flicked to Sirius, trying to gauge his reaction. Sirius looked… angry? Yep, definitely angry. “He- I’m pretty sure he was just… pretending to care, so that he could fuck me. When I- when I said I wasn’t ready, yet, he just- he snapped. He got so fucking mad, and I- I wasn’t really bothered at first, I didn’t really think he would do much, we were at a café, but then he, uh, he grabbed my wrist across the table and went to drag me out, saying he put too much time and effort into me for me to hold out on him.” James’ heart dropped to his stomach. “He never got out the café, because I broke away and some other people intervened, they gave me the time to get out of there, so…” His hands were shaking violently at the memory. James only got a glimpse of Sirius’ silent, seething anger, before he spoke.

“I’ll fucking kill him.” He said under his breath which, for some reason, made Remus’ face brighten slightly.

“I would rather if you stayed here?” His voice raised at the end, like a question, and Sirius didn’t hesitate in sitting on the other side of Remus. “I actually went to find you, first, but you weren’t home.” he mumbled quietly, Sirius a brilliant shade of red in seconds, and… hold on.

Remus was blushing. A lot.

Holy fucking shit.

(No, this is not at all micro and it doesn’t have an ending because of major writers block, but here we are.)

[eastgaysian]

do you think that a lot of s4 critique (esp on tumblr) is coming from the tomgreg “field”? bc i mean - they all seem very disappointed with the way this season is playing out and, without meaning to be patronizing, i’d say unmet expectations like that can cloud (or at least colour) one’s general opinion on a piece of media immensely. we’ve all had it happen to us in some way at some point, so i get it but also…don’t shit in everyone’s müsli just bc a specific relationship didn’t happen in the way you’d envisioned :( alsooo tomshiv is much gayer than tomgreg could have ever hoped to be idc idc

it's something i've been avoiding saying directly, because it feels slightly dickish, but We Can All See With Our Eyes that there is a correlation between people heavily invested in tomgreg and people who are expressing dissatisfaction with s4. it's also fairly obvious that i stopped giving a shit about tomgreg over the course of the year+ of getting harrassed and finally getting my blog terminated for expressing mild criticism wrt patterns of misogyny in fandom. which i think entitles me to a little bit of dickishness.

the thing is, you can have whatever opinion on a show you want for whatever reason you want. it's fine to say you're disappointed in the relative lack of tom and greg this season, because that's what you were personally invested in. your emotional response to the season is your emotional response. full stop. a big part of why i've been enjoying this season so much is because i started watching this show after my dad died, and it's very cathartic for me to watch such a realistic and thoughtful depiction of grief in all its messiness and complexity. i'm connecting to these characters more than ever because i've been there. that's personal! that's subjective! that's okay!

what irritates me is: a) being disingenuous about the reason you dislike the season, b) in a way that implies disliking the season is the 'correct' opinion to have, either on a moral basis or because this season is objectively and uniquely bad writing/directing/editing, c) to the extent that it creates a noxious and unpleasant fan environment to participate in.

i understand where the urge comes from to defensively say "no, it's not just about my businessman yaoi, there is actually a high-minded, intellectual reason for me to spend all my time bitching." because yeah, there are people who are delighted to go fuck you anyone who cared about tom and greg, you were watching the show wrong, and that's aggravating.

deliberately misrepresenting your opinion as something with a more "rational" basis doesn't make you any better off, because it's laughably obvious when that's what you're doing, and it undermines your initial position, which was not inherently invalid in the first place. it's fine to be sad that the thing you personally wanted to happen did not happen. you can say that. you can call people dicks for being rude about it. it's fine. it's literally okay. we are all just saying shit online.

but you are just not going to be able to convince me that season 4 is overall badly written, or that it suffers from unique mechanical issues that were not already present throughout the show. it's not going to happen! d*sha redscare was literally in s3! the fact is that in a season where logan dies in episode 3, and if anybody tries to say that was a bad writing decision you know they're pulling it out of their ass, it simply Is Not Possible for tom and greg (who barely had a relationship with logan and so has fuck all to do in the wake of his death) to spend 15 minutes an episode engaging in slapstick routines. is it an awkwardly truncated storyline? maybe! but succession is littered with those, and that's because it makes the choice to prioritize its main story, which in s4 is more focused and thoughtfully written than ever.

i won't even touch on the queerbait discourse because i do not think queerbait has ever been a useful term and the idea of trying to apply that kind of analysis to succession is too idiotic to even bother engaging with. the virgin representationcel vs the chad [i will not talk about my politics on tumblr but i am a trans fag of color deeply disillusioned with most of the discourse on 'representation']. representation win! the chair of fictional fox news cheated on his wife with her cousin #gayrights. Be serious.

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

“And It’s Just As Good As I Knew It Would Be”

And so I started falling,

Endlessly.

From the clouds-I went.

Falling, laughing, crying, and fighting like hell.

I hit the ground hard and fast and when I finally opened my eyes— I was so confused

My skin was warm and the sun was bright. I looked up and I saw you holding out your hand. Intoxicated with the smell of sweet wine and your laughter. I started running with you —the most irresistible force of fire and life I have ever known.

I didn’t want to understand how this happened. I thought I was dying? I accepted my fate and somehow gravitated to your soul. Like that’s exactly what the universe had planned, pushing me off of the clouds- this is why I had fallen.

Deeply, Madly, Endlessly.

I never knew anything as sweet as you.

With blood on my lip and bruises on my body. You healed a part of me I didn’t know was so broken.

Although, my wounds were deeper than I actually knew. You couldn’t get to them. Embedded into my bones I felt something snap, I looked down and I was bleeding. My heart fell out of my chest.

We just stared…

Tears flowed down your cheek.

Gently, you picked it up and placed it back into my hands. Giving me a cute little cartoon bandaid, and we continued running.

but,

We ran out of bandaids— that was a shit fucking day. You didn’t know what to do. It was storming. Rain was pouring. I couldn’t see, I wiped the water from my eyes and I saw something dark emanating in the distance- monstrous shadows slowly creeping out of the night sky.

They were familiar and I was terrified.

I knew they were coming for me.

You held me tight and I should of held you tighter. I should have kissed you harder. I screamed as they dug their claws into my feet ripping me away from you.

They took me. Pulled me under. You tried grabbing my hands. You did everything you could, Everything. You fought. Cuts and bloody knuckles.

Your heart got broken.

I knew this part was my fault.

You see, I knew them from long ago, and they only got more sinister since I was a kid. I was just so fucking tired. I should have protected you. I should have gave you a clear warning. Although I tried, and you thought I was just trying to scare you like in the movies we’d watch, but unlike the bad acting in chainsaw massacre, this was real and you didn’t understand. How could you?

They were vicious. Told me that you hated me. Told me I was worthless. Fed me poison and told me that love never existed. I scoffed and screamed out your name- giving them the middle finger. It exists. I said.

It got quiet

dead silence filled the air…

Slowly stepping forward, claws dragging on the cold hard ground. They each held up a jagged mirror to my starved and broken body.

I dissociated.

Gripping a fist full of my hair, forcing my tear stained eyes to the image in front of me.

“How could anybody love you?”

A trail of mocking laughter echoed off the walls and I fell to my knees.

You were trying to get back to me. I heard you calling and I so badly wanted you to hear me. To bring me back to the surface.

But It was too late…

I couldn’t escape. I didn’t have a shovel and six feet under wasn’t going to cut it. I had to salvage what was left of my soul, and may god help anyone who got in the way.

This time- I wanted to. Honestly, it brought me no greater joy. Live or eat shit for the rest of your life knowing they will never let you have peace.

It felt like an eternity.

I nearly broke every bone in my body.

Tortured and forgotten until I felt nothing.

For months, I felt-

Nothing.

Rip me into pieces, tear me limb from limb, but being slowly poisoned by nothingness… is a cold suffocating hell I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy.

Having to constantly remind myself that I was even still alive.

Day after day, I was exhausted. Sinking quietly into the abyss. Collecting shards of broken glass left over from previous years. Careful not to sound off the rust covered chains they kept me in. I was patient.

I waited until they fell dormant. They do this for periods at a time- you see. They’re sensitive to sounds and I was done living in silence.

The darkness almost swallowed me whole when I finally heard a click. My eyes shot open.

Holy shit.

Quick to my feet, I lured them in with a bang- Throwing my restraints on the floor. They came lunging towards me and I bolted to the bag of jagged mirrors.

Still in utter shock that I even made it this far—

My mind froze.

Every single loved ones face, Every single regret and moment of betrayal flooded my body.

Nothing but adrenaline in my veins and the memories of grievous heartbreak pounding inside of my head. I wasn’t afraid anymore- I had nothing more to lose than my life. So, fuck it.

Cutting them off with determination. They clawed after the bag. Gripping it tightly, I tore it from their cold dead grasp.

Striking the floor. Mirrors shattered in every direction. Their reflections scattered, and it wasn’t enough. Dark screeching laughter pulsated through me like nails on a chalkboard.

Palpitating my heart with terror.

Quickly, I slid. Scraping my knee to the only un-shattered piece still left on blood stained ground. I held it up strong while it cut deeply into my palm.

Staring in silence and disbelief.

Boldness and hell ran through my veins.

Still catching my breath.

My eyes glazing upward.

“Don’t you see?”

“It was you who never existed.”

With a blood curdling scream, their dark sharpened finger nails went for my throat one last time.

They weakened and fell to the dirt.

Face to face with their own demise of a faceless existence- They fulminated into ashes.

Falling pure as snow.

Twisted echos were no longer lingering inside of my head.

The smoke cleared and my lungs inhaled deeply.

I could breathe.

Silent tears dripped off the tip of my nose as I looked down on what remained. Standing over the ashes with years of left over rage,

Cursing deeply under my breath.

Spitting blood onto the ash with spite.

I could have swept what was left under the rug, but I spent too many years doing that.

This was a reminder.

I dusted myself off, and started climbing.

Dirt, sweat and dried up tears covered my entire face.

With my fingertips barely scratching the surface.

I sensed it all at once— Light, Radiance, and Euphoria fell like glitter all around my being.

Finally,

I was free.

I was finally fucking free.

I felt proud. I was grateful. I was healing.

Walking into this new found life, the sun was shining and the trees were swaying in the breeze. I was dancing when it started raining. I smiled, spinning myself around dizzy, joyful-

and there you were.

You looked different.

You looked like you had been searching for me all your life.

It was always you.

Dancing, laughing, as vibrant as the blood moon.

Holding out your hand, impatiently smiling.

“What are you waiting for my love?”

[carnivorousyandeere]

this isn't the person that asked for it but i was inspired by the ask! could we get the wolf pack being super sweet or how they'd react to a super insecure darling? that's the one i need, pls, im craving it just as badly as the other anon i swearrr

Here you go!! Here’s them interacting with an insecure darling. Hana, Mason, and Hunter would be the best out of the pack at treating you very gently and sweetly ♡

If there’s one benefit to being the pack’s, it’s that there’s always someone to stay with you when you need it. If you need to be “alone,” they’re okay with that too, although you can certainly expect one or more of them to be hidden and keeping an eye on you at any time.

CW: self-hatred/loathing, depression, insecurity, reckless behavior, hints of body image issues and suicidal ideation, mentions of drugs and alcohol

Mateo

Mateo swings between being very sweet and reassuring (drunk girl you meet in a bathroom at a party energy strikes again), to just… not quite understanding why you dislike yourself or care so much about what other people think. Everyone else is just background characters, and you are the stars of the whole show— it simply doesn’t make sense for you to give a fuck what they think. He can kill anybody who makes you feel badly, if that helps…? Aha, just kidding! …Unless? 😏

Hana

Like Mateo, Hana is a little confused by your feelings. I mean, sure, she has her own nervous side hidden beneath her bravado, but she finds it so strange that you can relate to that, or that your feelings run even deeper and more harshly than that. You’re her whole world! You have six people who love you deeply, who would kill for you and die for you… what more could they possibly do to prove that you deserve that love and care? Hana works even harder to become a person you can trust and rely on. If you can’t trust yourself, maybe you can learn to trust her when she says you’re worth every star and planet in the sky.

Cyrus

Cyrus’ own self-worth is horrible. Things could go two ways with a Darling who feels similarly about themself— either the both of you can understand one another on a deep and intimate level and help build each other up, or you both spiral deeper down into depression together. Thankfully, with all the other wolves there, the second option is incredibly unlikely. One of them will always be there to pull you both back from your thoughts.

Ace

Ace’s own recklessness belies a strange mix of arrogance and deeply-buried self-hatred, but he doesn’t even see it. If you display similar behavior to him, it still won’t occur to him that the way the both of you are going about things is unhealthy. In fact, he would love having you at his side, drinking, partying, and fighting the nights away. He gets defensive whenever the other wolves suggest that he needs to rein it in a bit, and doubly so if he feels they’re “criticizing,” you in the process.

However, if you cry around him, display vulnerable feelings, or just go into a quieter depressive state, Ace is the one who panics. He has no idea how to handle this, but tries his best. He does love you, even if he’s got a warped view of what love means.

Hunter

Hunter is especially good if you’re insecure about your body. He’s had his own struggles with his body in the past. However, he’s never doubted his own mind, experiences, and worthiness. It concerns him deeply if you do. He is very gentle and patient with you, preferring to err on the side of caution, even if you express that being treated so kindly makes you feel guilty.

Mason

Mason will hold you when you cry, and listen to you talk if you want to, but he’s definitely not going to be one of the ones who pries into your feelings (Hana, Mateo mostly; Hunter and Cyrus to a smaller extent). He doesn’t need to understand why you feel that way, or try to talk you out of your feelings the way they do. He’s alright just sitting with you where you are, even though it does hurt to know how little you think of yourself. He won’t express that pain unless prompted, fearful that you might feel the need to reassure him rather than the other way around.

[heyiwrotesomethings]

Hey, I love your writing! I was hoping you could write a rivals to lovers with Shinobu where R and Shinobu are pillars, but they "hate" each other and everyone else has to listen/suffer from their banter and argument. One day they both have to go on a mission together and R gets hurt really badly and they get into an argument about it and confess their feelings. If you can't write this no probelm <3

Like Water and Oil

Shinobu Kochou x They/ Them Reader

A/N: Ooo love me a little antagonism. This was fun! I was watching The Shallows while I wrote this so if anybody wonders why the demon is shark-y, that would be why. Warning for near death experience via drowning! Thanks for reading! Word Count: 2,918

“(L/n)-san,” Shinobu greeted curtly.

“Kochou,” (Y/n) returned the ‘pleasantry’ with bitterness.

Shinobu smiled in an almost exaggerated manner and made a show of deliberately sitting beside her fellow Hashira. (Y/n)’s lips twitched further downward.

Any of the other Hashira who cared to pay attention sighed inwardly or rolled their eyes. (Y/n) and Shinobu couldn’t stand each other, yet somehow they couldn’t stay away from each other and for some reason that meant it had to be everyone else’s problem too. Every time they had a meeting, the two of them would bicker until the last possible moment.

No one even could even really pinpoint why they seemed to hate each other so much in the first place either, which made it all the more frustrating. While everyone else was hoping to be the one to greet the Master, (Y/n) and Shinobu hoped to be the one to get the last jab in before they had to shut up.

And it looked as if this meeting would be no different.

“Lovely day, isn’t it, (L/n)-san? I was surprised, since I knew I had to see you, I expected a rainy, dreary day.”

“It was better before you got here. I think your grating voice scared the song birds away. That, or a hawk. Better stay vigilant or it might swoop in and fly off with you.”

“Is that so? Thank you for the warning! In that case, you should know that on my way here I encountered a family of wild boars. They seemed to have been looking for a lost member of their pack, be careful going home because I fear they may mistake you for their missing friend. However, when they scent you, they’ll realize the truth and drag you into the woods never to be seen or heard from again.” Shinobu said with a bright smile.

“Hey, guys? Maybe you could—” Mitsuri tried to interject, but the intensity of Shinobu and (Y/n)’s eyes on her made her quickly give up.

“Eep! Nevermind!”

“Oh yes,” Shinobu turned back to (Y/n) as if remembering something, “weren’t you away on a mission until recently? I haven’t heard much about it. You failed to find the demon, didn’t you?”

(Y/n) scowled at her, “I haven’t failed. I will be right back at it as soon as this meeting is over. Hopefully, far far far away from wherever you get assigned so I can have some peace.”

“Oh?” Shinobu’s smile grew more sinister, like she had a secret she just knew would shatter (Y/n)’s spirits. “Did you not hear? My, that must be so embarrassing for you.”

“What are you going on about with that creepy smile on your face?” (Y/n) narrowed their eyes in suspicion.

“All in good time, (L/n)-san. All in good time.”

“Could you two shut up?” Sanemi hissed.

“Hey, I was minding my own business before she came along.” (Y/n) defended, “Not my fault she’s apparently some kind of sadist who’s only purpose in life is to make me suffer.”

“That must make you quite the masochist then, considering you can’t seem to get enough of me. If you really wanted to be left alone, you could just ignore me like Tomioka-san. I think you have enough static in your head to accomplish at least that much.” Shinobu provided unhelpfully.

(Y/n) had been on their last nerve. A combination of several sleepless nights with no results, hurt pride and now of course Shinobu digging into them and continuously poking and poking and poking. They snapped,

“Fuck you!”

Shinobu, for her part, looked almost taken aback. However, she couldn’t resist responding to the crude retort with a quip.

“I’m flattered, but those fantasies will have to stay confined to your dreams.”

(Y/n) was positively steaming and spoke through gritted teeth,

“In my worst nightmares you mean! Not even if you were the last person on the planet, Kochou. Not even if I was going to die!”

“Maybe you two should!” Tengen groaned loudly, “Resolve the tension and give the rest of us a break from your constant negging.”

This response actually earned a few mumbled and huffed agreements that had both (Y/n) and Shinobu feeling a little attacked.

Before either could retort, Nichika and Hinaki opened the mansion doors and guided their father across the engawa.

It would seem for this meeting, Uzui would be getting the last word in. Bastard.

The Hashira bowed in reverence and Obanai was the first to work the courage up to greet the Master.

“My children,” Ubuyashiki greeted warmly in return, “I’m so happy to have you all here once more. Let us talk…”

It was a standard meeting. It was actually moving along rather quickly for which (Y/n) was glad. There was a significant amount of daylight that still remained. If they could make it back to their assignment in good time, they would still have enough time to catch a couple hours of sleep before nightfall.

When Ubuyashiki addressed them, they gave a report of all of their efforts to track down the demon that had been quickly making a name for itself.

“I’m close, Oyakata-sama.” They assured. “I will be right back on the case as soon as we finish here.”

“I do not doubt your diligence, (Y/n),” the Master smiled, “but this demon is proving to be more troubling than we previously thought it would and you’ve been neglecting proper rest hunting this demon night after night. That is why I have asked Shinobu to accompany you and provide assistance.”

What.

“Oyakata-sama, I appreciate your concern, but I do not need anyone to accompany me.” (Y/n) spoke as evenly as they could, determined not to give Shinobu the satisfaction of seeing them react in an overtly negative manner.

“And I appreciate your independence and strong will, but I cannot change my mind. It will be be safer to proceed with two Hashira instead of one.” Ubuyashiki replied.

“Then may I take someone else? Himejima-san? Tokito-san? Tomioka-san?” Literally anyone else?

“No,” The Master chuckled, “Shinobu has already agreed and the others have their own duties to attend to. I think it will be good for you two.”

“Yes, (L/n)-san,” Shinobu spoke up with that infuriatingly sweet tone, “Imagine how much fun we will have!”

(Y/n) clicked their tongue in annoyance before deferring back to the Master with a bow of their head. There was no use arguing further, Shinobu was coming whether they liked it or not. And they certainly did not like it. All they could do was hope that they could slay the demon that very same night so they could part ways by daybreak.

***

“(L/n)-san? (L/n)-san.”

(Y/n) groaned and snuggled further into the the corner of their booth seat, eyes still firmly shut. They had elected to fall asleep on the train, leaving it up to Shinobu to make sure they got off at the right station.

“(L/n)-san, it’s time to wake up.”

“Could you leave me alone for just five minutes?” (Y/n) grumbled.

Surely they couldn’t be there yet. Shinobu had to be pulling their leg.

“You certainly haven’t left me alone,” Shinobu countered, “cuddled up to me almost the whole trip… do you know how many ‘knowing’ looks I’ve gotten in the last two hours?”

Hm.

Now that (Y/n) thought about it. The booth seat did seem a bit softer than they would have expected.

Their eyes shot open and they leapt away from Shinobu and into the isle of the train car, disturbing the surrounding passengers with the speed in which they did so.

“You just can’t keep your hands off of me, can you?” Shinobu teased, easing herself out of the booth so she could pass (Y/n) up and exit the train.

“I was unconscious!” (Y/n) defended brusquely, following Shinobu out, “You probably pulled me against you yourself, you creep!”

“Why would I ever want to torture myself like that? I tried to push you away, but you kept flopping back over like a limp noodle.”

“See? This is why I wanted the window seat! But nooo, you just had to have it.”

“Why should you have gotten the window seat if you were planning on falling asleep anyway? The view would have been wasted on you.”

The pair continued to bicker and point fingers until they made it to their destination along the rocky beach of the coastal village highlighted by a rosy colored sky. Lazy waves rolled in and lightly splashed against the gritty rocks as the cackle of far off gulls was carried on the briney breeze.

“It’s beautiful here,” Shinobu marveled, “It’s really a shame that I’m here with you of all people.”

“On that we can agree.” (Y/n) was exhausted, but they refused to let Shinobu have the last word.

“So did you listen at all to what I told the Master about this situation or did you tune me out?” They asked, coming to a stop at the water’s edge and peering in with a well-trained eye looking for any sign of movement beneath the choppy water.

“Unfortunately,” Shinobu confirmed.

“Great. Keep an eye of the sea at all times then. I’ll walk along the east shore and you take the west. Yell if you see anything suspicious.”

Shinobu hummed and went on her way without causing further strife. The sun was but a sliver on the horizon and it was time to get to work.

***

When Shinobu made it as far as she could along the western side of the beach, she began walking back the way she came.

She sighed. It was the dead of night and there had not been so much as one out of place ripple or bubble in the water. When she saw (Y/n) approaching to meet her back in the middle, she snarked,

“Are you quite sure you tracked this demon correctly?”

“Yes!” (Y/n) crossed their arms over their chest. “It’s here. Can’t exactly go for a swim for a closer look though, can we? Unless you are confident you can breath underwater for an indeterminate amount of time.” They snarked back.

“It’ll come up somewhere around here eventually. It’s very particular about its feeding grounds. The witness accounts I collected all state that the victims last known whereabouts were on this beach.”

“And how many accounts do you have, three?” Shinobu asked incredulously.

“Seven.”

“Seven.” Shinobu repeated, unimpressed.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Do you think I’m walking along this craggy, smelly and slippery beach at midnight for fun?” (Y/n) yelled, throwing their arms out wide.

“You think I enjoy running on a combined total of twenty-nine hours of sleep over the last two weeks? That I haven’t spent my days traveling two villages down in either direction to speak with the people there too before returning to hunt all night?” They took a step forward, fists swinging downward to clench at their sides.

“(L/n)-san, calm down.” Shinobu held her hands in front of her. She wasn’t afraid of (Y/n), but she did find their conduct during this critical time alarming.

“I bet you’re just loving this, aren’t you? Watching me fail and fall apart. It’s all you ever wanted, right? Go on, soak it in! Tell me how thirty people have gone missing from right under my—!“

(Y/n) stopped speaking mid sentence, the hair on the back of their neck rose mere seconds before a scaly demon shot up from the water, it’s large, shark-like mouth opened wide as it propelled itself at Shinobu.

(Y/n) pushed her hard in the chest, sending her several steps back, crying out as sharp teeth griped around their torso and pulled them into the the frigid sea, but not before Shinobu was able to pierce into the rough skin of the demon with her sword. The demon pulled with such strength that Shinobu’s hilt slipped from her hand. The last thing that Shinobu saw before the demon splashed back into the water was (Y/n) clenched in its teeth and her sword pierced clean through from stomach to back.

“(L/n)-san!” Shinobu called pointlessly, scanning the black water fruitlessly. The demon would surely die soon with her poison circulating in its body, but (Y/n) could need help resurfacing after taking such a blow on Shinobu’s behalf.

“Damn it, no!” Shinobu quickly rid herself of her geta, haori, and whatever else would weigh her down or get in the way and dove into the icy ocean, sending herself even lower with a few powerful dolphin kicks.

It was impossible to see, it was much too dark.

Shinobu surfaced to breathe for the fourth time and spun around, looking for any sign that (Y/n) had surfaced without her knowing. Her heart felt so heavy she could just about sink to the the bottom of the ocean.

Taking a deep breath, she dove once again. Time was wearing thin. If she didn’t find them soon—

Shinobu flailed blindly in the dark water, praying her limbs would hit something solid. Just before she needed to surface again, she felt something soft graze against her finger tips and reached forward, her hand wrapped tightly around what she was certain was a wrist and she kicked to the surface as fast as she could, gasping and gulping several lungfuls of air.

She had them, but she couldn’t relax yet. They were unresponsive.

Flipping onto her back, she rested (Y/n)’s head against her chest and kicked to the rocky shore. The hard part was dragging (Y/n) over the rocks to lay their back flat against the ground.

Though out of breath and muscles aching, Shinobu leapt right into starting chest compressions counting rhythmically to thirty before tilting (Y/n)’s head back to press her lips to theirs for two strong rescue breaths.

She had never imagined this would be how their lips would first connect. No time for regrets. If she kept at it, she would save them and there would be no need to feel like their time together was wasted on petty games.

She repeated the cycle twice more before (Y/n) coughed up a good amount of water straight into Shinobu’s face.

Shinobu, unphased, rolled them to their side and swept their mouth with her fingers, looking for any obstructions. Clean. She rolled them onto their back once more and placed her ear on their chest, nothing yet.

She began administering chest compressions again and when she angled (Y/n)’s head once more to administer the rescue breaths, she found her movement halted by a cold, wet hand pressed against her lips.

“Oh gods no,” (Y/n) rasped, their hand weekly flopping back to the rocks, “please tell me you were,” a shaky inhale, “on the first cycle.”

“You, you idiot!” Shinobu fisted her hand in the collar of (Y/n)’s uniform, surprising them with how furious she looked, her eyes shining, and not from sea water.

“Why did you do that?”

(Y/n) winced, placing a hand over the one of the lacerations on their side from where the demon’s teeth managed to pierce through their uniform.

“What? Was I, supposed to, let it take a bite, out of you instead?” (Y/n) asked between breaths that hurt like salt in a wound which, they supposed, made sense.

“Look, I know we, have our differences, but I wasn’t gonna, let you die because of them. I don’t wanna, see you hurt.”

“And do you think I want to see you like this?” Shinobu asked angrily, “I thought I lost you! Do you have any idea how badly you scared me?”

“Kochou—“

“I can handle myself! I don’t need you charging in like some knight in shining armor. I just can’t understand why you did that!”

“Because I love you, damn you!” (Y/n) shouted as loud as they could before curling onto their side in a coughing fit.

“Well I love you more!” Shinobu yelled.

“I love you most!” (Y/n) countered once they recovered from their cough.

“Just shut up.”

Shinobu gripped (Y/n)’s cheeks between her hands and smashed her lips over theirs in a surprisingly searing kiss considering both were soaking wet and chilled to the bone.

When they broke apart, Shinobu stayed close, their noses brushing. She stroked (Y/n)’s cheek and chuckled quietly in pure disbelief.

“What’s so funny?” (Y/n) mumbled, though a smile twitched at their lips.

“You’re a better kisser than I would have guessed. Could still be better though.”

“Screw you, need I remind you I was drowning not too long ago?” They shivered.

“Can you get up? We need to warm up and suture your wounds.”

“I think so. What about your sword?”

“It’s fine,” Shinobu exhaled with heavy exhaustion as she rose to her feet and helped (Y/n) to theirs, draping her haori over their shoulders, “My scabbard is what is important for storing my poisons. I’ll just have to discuss making a replacement with my swordsmith.”

Pressed together for warmth, they navigated through the dark and returned to the village to recuperate in a nearby onsen, thankful for the warmth that greeted them as soon as they stepped inside.

As soon as Shinobu finished tending to (Y/n), they took turns bathing and promptly passed out in a heap of tangled limbs, the scent of seasalt still clinging faintly to their skin.

If the Hashira thought that (Y/n) and Shinobu couldn’t get more obnoxious, they would be wrong. As it would turn out, the only thing more annoying than their constant bickering and negging, was them bickering and negging while they were an official couple.

[queerponcho]

WEEWOO WEEWOO i finally watched spiderman across the spider-verse and i have some THOUGHTS-

i’ve been avoiding spoilers so like i am probably not the first one with these thoughts but here we go:

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

- we all know; miguel o’hara = hot as fuck

- BUT everytime hes on screen the music that was played sounded very similar to the vibe of the prowlers theme in the first movie. coincidence? i dont think so👀

-EVERY spider was shown having doubts about their position. they ALL doubted their stance when miles said ‘we’re supposed to be the good guys’ everyone BUT miguel

- WHAT IF miguel isnt actually his universes spiderman

- WHAT IF miguel is ACTUALLY his universes KING PIN

HEAR ME OUT-

- when hes introduced he says ‘i am not like the other girls- spidermen’ while he is LITERALLY injecting himself with some typa green liquid??? like tf is that????

- maybe that shit actually gives him those spidey powers BUT do we actually ever see him like sticking to a thingie upside down or anything? he is always upright and he doesnt have the spidey stickiness

- he only gets like feral kinda and even his webs are like gleaming red??? and his mask is like SUPER evil and as pointed out by dad peter (aka nick miller) HE ISNT FUNNY

-Literally ALL of the spiders have some kinda funny thing or like cool power

- this man only has vampy teeth (hot) and is fast??? and like has these elbow slashes like???? he has nothing unique like all the other spiders.

- like gwen has her entirely different colours scheme and her ballet movements or the british one (kill me i forgot his name but i LOVED this guy) has his punk and guitar, fuck anarchy thing. like all of them have smth thats their thing but all of miguels traits are like super evil and sussy as fuck…

- AND he was SUCH a dick to miles. any actual spidey would NEVER be such a prick to another spider EVER- my guy is afraid of miles and wanted to break him down which brings me to the motive…

- idk what his plan is but he might know that miles can/ will be his doom. OR he knows that one of the spiders might find out and kill him so he makes this elaborate web of lies (pun intended) about these canon events and like scares everybody into thinking they have to just let these bad things happen when in reality he is just looking for this control. this might be a bit far fetched BUT IDK WHO KNOWS the writers lol

that motive thing i am not so sure about but i am certain hes afraid of what miles can do and will do cuz he is acting like a racoon trapped in a trashbag (shoutout to taylor tomilson lol) and gaslighting everybody onto his side…

then theres his alleged backstory;

- he went to a different universe to live his dream life and conveniently that universes miguel DIES????? MMMMHMMMM and u expect me to believe that mr sexy o’hara????

- he literally did what king pin tried todo in the first movie- and it failed

- thing is WHAT IF it failed not because he just went there and took his place BUT because he killed off that other daddy miguel

- what if the universe just collapsed cuz he went there and actually changed the entire universes future by killing this other miguel????

honesty its like 1am and i watched the movie like 5 hours ago so all this might not make sense. BUT I BADLY NEEDED TO TALK ABT THESE THOUGHTS- again i am for sure not the first one i just really need to speak this into the void lol

PLS if anybody wants to geek out over this movie PLEASE dm me i am BEGGING YOU i so badly wanna talk abt it cuz i love it SO MUCH

[bog-witch-blair]

Discovered some outtakes from the Narrator and here are a few of my favorites

"Insight read this, bitch"

"Welcome to fantasy spelling kids, think you know how to pronounce it? I think not!"

"Who did this word with FOUR apostrophes in it? That is some fantasy bullshit right there."

"Oh aren't you a big scary player character! What level are you now? Is it two? *gasp* You are so scary! You are so scary :D!"

Just the entire part where shes talking about "Groovy dancing eye spiders"

"The idea of a boat beckoning makes me really happy. Just like, 'Come aboard sailor ;)." It curls it's rudder at you enticingly. 'C'mon get on my deck love'"

"Nobody ever talks to me. I'm only the fucking dungeon master, its fine!"

"I just want a snack and someone to ask me to roll a dice."

"C'mon ladies get your tadpoles wriggling"

"You may know me from such things as lying on the sofa eating cheese for several months."

"It's the scent of Avernus. New by Calvin Klein."

"If you fancy Astarion, you might want to consider therapy."

"He's so damaged, I must have him!"

"Haha you rolled badly"

"The world continues to turn as you read EVERYTHING!"

"Me? I can't steal from anybody. I'm the GM, I have no hands!"

"It gets more atmospheric when they fuck up. We will reward you with some ASMR but you are fucked now."

"You can't go scrumping for cod Josh!"

"Apples? What are those? I'm gonna shoot a potato out of the sky! As nature intended."

"uuuhh where were we? Who am I? What day is it? Why do my arms hurt? This and other questions will never be answered."

"that could be the tagline for the ENTIRE game! Frantic. Bi. Energy."

"I'm a bard! I can fuck my way through any problem!"

"I seduce the door. Done it! I've got splinters places you DO NOT wanna know about but I'm through."

"We live in horny jail, you can't send us there! We've got the keys!"

"Go on, do it, jump in a well, see what happens."

"Make a wish. I wish i wasn't stuck in this well."

"Somebody studied Shakespeare and now its EVERY BODIES PROBLEM."

"Aww aren't they having a nice time. But you're gonna die. A LOT."

"I'm a professional I can say the word 'erected' without laughing. Once."

"Conceal your tadpoles gentlemen! We're entering combat!"

"Yay fish people! *fish people noises*"

"I have exceptionally moist ankles. Send Victorian text."

"Can I swallow that semicolon?"

"Gary tried to romance the town prostitute and started a war. Well done Gary!"

"He rolled poorly. He's lucky I don't rip his face off and melt it like Plasticine."

"Got a tadpole! Hello, slippery friend!"

"There we go! Read it like a grown up! Who isn't laughing at the word 'tug' or 'meat'."

"Like a sexy plaque. Get a load of the font on that."

"I am the problem and I am fully aware. But I've made the decision to inflict me on everyone else."

"Your call into the abyss is important to us. Please shout again."

"Who looted Shadowheart's box? C'mon, hands up! Astarion don't look away, I know it was you."

"Can we try that again, but move the comma to the other side of the but? *stifled laughter* You got it buddy."

"Dreamy interspersed with squirrels"

"Hallucinogenic delivery! Hi I've got a pizza for you! Also a Picasso face. try not to look too closely everything gonna start swirling."

"'He's coiled like a spring, hand inching towards his weapon.' *hysterical laughter* Oh fuck, ah shit. what, who wrote that? Oh god, that's just FILTH."

"Baldur's Gate: After Dark. It's a little bit sexy but you are gonna be covered in blood at the end."

[jeannereames]

Hello, Dr. Reames!

I was thinking and meditating a lot about Hephaistion these last days, and I also thought about the Hephaistion you wrote in your duology (which I love very much); I came to the conclusion of something and it is something Hephaistion would say/sing if he had heard this, quote:

"Yeah, my boyfriend's pretty cool But he's not as cool as me"

it is a verse from the song 'Brooklyn baby' by Lana del Rey, it fits perfectly with Alexander and Hephaistion! Yes, it's true that Alejandro is someone extraordinary and cool, but Hefestión is more so.

[Spoiler of the novel ⚠️: the fact that Hephaistion is so beautiful, so pretty in the novel makes many people look at him; but we know that Hephaistion is not only a pretty face. The point of it all is that he ranked among the best warriors or has a rather prudent and mature personality, it gives him an appealing air: Hephaistion is not only beauty, but also brains].

What are your thoughts on this? And thanks <3

I had to go and listen to the song. It’s got a very Beat Poet vibe, which, given the lyrics, makes sense. Ha. (Even before I read the lyrics, I got that feel, so she succeeded in her aim.)

The “air of cool” is something Hephaistion is trying to project—(to use modern examples) a little Fonzie, a little (more dangerous) Marlon Brando (below: Marlon Brando from "A Streetcar Named Desire").

Ironically, he doesn’t see himself that way. He’s playing a part. He wants to be cool like Agathon.

Further irony: that wasn’t Agathon’s sort of cool; he was the extroverted jokester who’d never met a stranger, his devil-may-care of a happy, friendly sort. Hephaistion can’t begin to approach Agathon’s personality, so he tries to project whatever he can manage. The devil-may-care turns into “I don’t give a fuck what you think of me.” He turns his quietness/insecurity into arrogance.*

In his own mind, Hephaistion is an outsider who feels acutely different—not cool at all. His way of trying to mitigate being the outsider is to voluntarily situate himself as a loner. “I know you won’t like me, so I’ll reject you first.” Alexandros, of course, picks up on that pretty quickly, although he doesn’t yet know the piece about Agathon.

The real Hephaistion is (predictably) different from his projections, and not only because he’s trying to be Agathon (and doing it badly). The “I don’t care about any of you” routine is immediately punctured by sympathy/empathy for Alexandros. That’s the real Hephaistion. If Alexandros has an instant crush on Hephaistion, Hephaistion doesn’t have one on him (he’s a kid still). He just sees a little brother in need of a big brother.

So, I don’t think Hephaistion would consider himself cooler than Alexandros, as Alexandros is much closer to Agathon, personality-wise, who Hephaistion idolized. And that is, initially, some of the reason for Hephaistion’s affection. He wants to protect the kid who’s like the brother who loved and protected him. Hephaistion is both a little in awe of Alexandros (as he was of Agathon), but also feels sorry for how he had to grow up and wants to shelter him.

As Hephaistion ages, more of his real self does (and will) emerge. He feels more centered, in part thanks to Alexandros. He’ll always have that broody, angsty edge—that is part of him, because he’s inclined to overanalyze and fail to get out of his own head—but he’s less devil-may-care and “too cool for school.”

————————

* To be fair, Hephaistion does have an arrogant (and sarcastic) bone. He’s incredibly intelligent, and has a hard time taking seriously, much less submitting to anybody he can outthink—which is most people. Alexandros recognizes that, too.

[thereareeyesinsidethetrees]

the entirety of Death of An Optimist by Grandson can be applied to Ford. hear me out

Death of an Optimist // Intro - this can be a few different things- stan mourning him after accidentally trapping him in the multiverse, ford's mindset after stan broke his project, or ford's mindset after bill's betrayal/while he's in the multiverse. the rising intensity at the end, just to suddenly cut off makes me think of ford's rising anxiety/paranoia as weirdmaggedon draws closer

In Over My Head - ford being pressured all his life to do incredible things (getting famous/making millions, creating an interdimensional portal in just a year, attempting to kill bill, etc.) and the increasing stress that comes with it

Identity - this can be two different things i think (both at once?). ford after stan broke the project and was kicked out and/or ford post-portal. not entirely knowing who is, especially once he's in the portal, resigning himself to just 'destroy bill' and nothing else

Left Behind - 'i'm feeling like i don't have a reason to believe in' and 'i don't wanna move on, but i don’t wanna get left behind'. again, it's the pressure of having to do incredible things and do them quick. have you ever noticed how quickly he dropped everything to focus on the portal? One year. he was working himself to death

Dirty - the difference between ford and bord (or just bill in general). ford encompasses the first bits of lyrics- for example, ‘is it time to lead-?’, ‘is it time to speak up-?’, ‘is it time for peace-?’ and of course ‘is there anybody out there that’s paying attention?’. bord (bill) encompasses the second half- ‘or is it time to die?’, ‘or is it time for silence?’, ‘or is it time for violence?’. a conversation between the two, with ‘tell me, what you tryna hide?’ and ‘and what you running from inside?’. the chorus being entirely from ford

The Ballad of G and X // Interlude - the ballad of ford and bill. really just listen to the lyrics- lines like ‘he’s in my head, he makes me sick, he makes me antisocial’ and ‘losing my mind, i wanna find a way to keep composure’ and ‘i try to close my eyes, i’m haunted in my nightmares’ for example

We Did It!!! - ford with bill’s influence. ford and also bord at times. ford and also if bill can change his vocabulary, who’s to say what else was changed? who’s to say there’s not shards of yellow buried deep in ford’s mind like sea glass hidden beneath sand?

WWIII - Ford's experience with the portal (seeing as he was essentially trapped in a 'war' between Bill's side and everyone opposing him). in this interpretation, 'when you ship me off to war' turns into 'when you pushed me through that portal'

Riptide - ford struggling with guilt, regret, and self-loathing. struggling to picture himself in this happy ending, even though he so badly wants to. ‘i tried getting better, did all of the twelve steps. whoever would’ve thought, whoever could’ve guessed? the harder that i chase it, the further that it gets’ and ‘i’ve been caught up in the riptide, for too long cause it’s all i know’

Pain Shopping - ‘i just wanna fuck my hand up, through the wall- i need help, no one there to stand up when i call’, ‘looking for the proof that i’m still alive, i wanna feel something. cause all that i’ve got is nothing’, ‘i’m feeling all this pressure, it’s a weight on my shoulders. i thought that it would all be great when i’m older’, and ‘never mind my heavy mind, i’ll get in line, i’ll get behind. and every time i said i’m fine, whatever, i meant never mind’. ford struggling with his mental health. feeling pressured and alone with him not wanting his family to know how much he’s struggling

Drop Dead - ford and stan. everything feels terrible and we’re not entirely sure what to do about it, but at least we’re in it together right?

Welcome to Paradise // Outro - unhealthy coping mechanisms. ford pretending that he’s perfectly fine and happy to his family. ‘you ain’t gotta hurt no more. didn’t you hear? the war’s over. just don’t look behind that door. you don’t wanna get that much closer.’ the ‘you’ is both ford trying to convince himself and stan that everything’s okay. ‘conversation with my echo’

i would really recommend listening to all of these if/when you have time, especially since i couldn’t cover all the lyrics in one post. maybe i’ll go over each lyric sometime in the future, but for now i think these were enough to explain what i meant

[johannestevans]

Thank you so much for the very detailed response, it was so helpful!

I wanted to follow up on the “old habits.” Basically, I have a very difficult time asking for what I want, saying when somethings not working, giving direction to the person I’m with, even when I am confident they wouldn’t respond badly. I had a sexual partner before I came out who was very disrespectful to me in that regard and wouldn’t listen when I wanted something or would actively push my hand away if I tried to guide it somewhere else or if he was hurting me etc. so I’m sure a lot of that is trauma. But now I struggle with speaking up, and I wondered if you had any advice about overcoming that.

Also, were there things you did before you started presenting more stereotypically male that helped you “feel more like a man” during sex? I know that’s a very subjective thing, but as someone who does prefer to bottom (though I do want to eventually try topping) sometimes it’s difficult to not go right back into that cishet mindset.

Follow up to this ask.

I'm so sorry, Anon, this is a really tough topic - your experiences are not uncommon, unfortunately, and like I said in my previous answer, a lot of that comes down to the culture around respect and bodily autonomy, especially bodies that are perceived as women's bodies, or are misgendered as such.

The thing about trauma around this sort of communication is that like... You're working through more than just a fear of the other person reacting badly and either being cruel verbally and/or hurting you worse as punishment - when this kind of behaviour becomes ingrained, when we hold our tongues again and again, when we become used to not just not communicating our needs but also repressing them, it becomes extremely hard to shake those responses!

It sucks so fucking bad when our sexuality in the past has felt like something we're not allowed to control, when our autonomy and our agency haven't been taken into account, especially when like...

The thing about cis M/F relationships in the mainstream - and relationships that are perceived as or misgendered as M/F - is that there's an element of coercive control in so many of them, because of a lot of implicit messaging around what's "right" and "correct" in a relationship, and especially about the things "the woman" is meant to withstand and take as acceptable - not to mention the things "the man" has supposed rights to and complete control over.

These things can absolutely happen in M/M relationships as well, and during casual M/M sex, I'm not gonna tell you otherwise, but my experience in cruising culture is that because two men come to it with an understanding of equal agency and control, it's just a lot easier to communicate and discuss these boundaries while you're going.

If you do use hook-up apps or text for a while beforehand, like I said, talking it out over text might be helpful? Just setting some ground rules like "I don't like having my hair pulled or being held down" or "I'm not ready for anal today" can be really nice, because it's a basic structure to work from.

Often when I first start having sex with someone, if my chest or hip are acting up, I say that from the get-go "Hey, I've got some issues with my hip and can't do some positions for a long time," or "Hey, my asthma's quite bad at the moment, so can I be on top?"

A nice thing if you're not certain about saying "I need this" or "I like that" from the off can be to go, "Are there any ground rules or baselines you'd like to set?" to the other person and see if there's anything they'd like to volunteer or set up. Taking the lead in these situations can be a relief for the other person as well as yourself, depending on how comfortable you are with it.

A lot of this ultimately comes down to practice - communicating your needs and desires is a skill, and it is one that takes practice for anybody, even without some baseline trauma affecting your feelings and confidence with it.

One thing that can help ease the way with communicating consent as you go is actually dirty talk - talking dirty in general might not be for you, but I do have another guide here about talking more in the bedroom, and also an interview about dirty talk in general:

Tell Me How You Like It: A Beginner’s Guide to Talking Dirty. How do I dirty talk effectively in the bedroom? How do I start talking when my natural inclination is to remain quiet? What do I say? How do I get over the embarassment? On Medium / / On Patreon.

Dirty talk: a deep dive into smut and the art of fantasy by Kish Lal — An article by Kish Lal for DripFeed, where she interviewed several people about dirty talk, including myself, looking at different fantasies, the psychology of dirty talk, and different ways to approach it. Read on DripFeed

I know I've linked you a bunch of pieces of mine at once, so if you do hit the free article limit on Medium and aren't able to pay for a subscription right now, remember you can use an incognito window or a service like 12 Foot Wall! Obviously this is how I make my living and if you can pay, do, but if you can't, please don't feel guilty or worry too much about it. We're all struggling, like.

As for the latter question...

I don't tend to have a lot of dysphoria around sex - especially because I'm typically a lot more confident than my hook-ups, I often end up in a more dominant and explicitly communicative position, even when I'd really prefer to be subbing more.

Certain positions might help you, such as riding or doing it doggy rather than missionary - I know some men do fuck with their binders on or while wearing a t-shirt to help with any dysphoria around their chest.

Nothing wrong with wearing a binder if that's what you need, but do try to keep safety in your awareness - not every binder is rated for significant exercise, and especially if you're fucking harder or rougher, you want to be aware of not constricting your chest unduly!

You might also try other gender-affirming kinds of clothing - they make men's lingerie, but there's also shit like leather harnesses and straps, there's jock straps, there's all sorts!

There's a lot to be said about language - making sure you're using the language you feel comfortable with with your body and setting ground rules with your partner if any specific words set up your dysphoria and make you feel less confident or comfortable. And remember that doesn't just have to be about your body to be important! Some men don't like the word "strap" or "strap-on" or referring to it as a toy or a dildo - they would treat it more like a phallic prosthesis than as an additional or extra toy, so they'd use words like cock or dick.

Hope this helps and good luck with it! <3