#i dont want ptsd to control my life

[frecklystars]

god im so excited for the Barbie movie today. I might be a bit tense while seeing my triggers on screen but honestly I’ve been doing so so so well handling my ptsd the last few weeks and I'm very proud of myself!!!!!

there’s a few triggers I’ve been actively working on reclaiming and I KNOW I’m going to be okay watching the movie bc I am not letting anybody take this from me. I know I’m gonna wanna see it more than once. I even bought myself a cute pink skirt for it ;w;

[caffeinatedopossum]

I just want to be able to indulge in my disorder without losing my ability to draw often and hyperfixate and hold a conversation and physically digest food without nausea and pain

[weebsinstash]

something that I think would be, truly one of the worst things about the yandere Batfamily really truly is their power to make any and every problem you've ever had completely go away in no time at all

it can be such an awful feeling to see that you struggled in vain with something that was nothing at all to someone else. You could have significant issues that have followed you all your life and have had traumatic impacting effects on you and these people could come in and sweep that all away. Student loans you've been paying off for years, if not a fraction of your lifespan, still burying you in debt? We are talking fucking decimal points on the scale of Bruce Wayne's wealth. That bad leg from an old work injury? Let's grab you one of the best doctors in Gotham, if not the entire world, fuck, we may even get you a doctor or medicine that isn't even human-made! Y'all want a magic leg? We know this chick who can speak backwards, you want a magically healed leg?

Crippling loneliness? Eternal sunshine and objectively best Robin Dick Grayson is here to brighten your entire world since he knows what it can feel like to be hurting and alone and he's literally like the heart and soul of the entire manor besides Alfred

Chronic pain, an undiagnosed disability, or maybe you're not confident in your fitness? Jason has extensive knowledge of injury recovery, physical therapy, and overall knowledge about human biology and musculature and how everything correlates

Family issues? Daddy issues? Let Resident Troubled Kid Expert Alfred Pennyworth be your new grandpa. He's dealt with more than one temperamental snappy individual, and he'll use his patience, experience, and wit to wear down all your stress and hostility. It's hard to keep being cruel to someone who's nothing but kind to you, and he has plenty of patience and delicious baked treats to hold out until you give in

Honestly just the fact most of them are so fucking young would get under my skin. You could be approaching your 30s and be sitting here at the Wayne family dinner table as their weird sister/mom/girlfriend/whatever and being all "I've just always had these struggles my entire life, I dont know what's wrong with me, I feel like I can't control how I act or feel and I hate it" and someone like Tim who depending on the source material and where you are on the timeline is a literal teenager with extensive knowledge of criminals and psychology is just over here, "oh, that? You have chronic childhood trauma, recurring resurfacing conflict related ptsd, severe abandonment issues, emotional regulation problems that are probably biological, and also you probably have autism, and there's nothing wrong with any of that :)" and then he turns to Bruce and starts talking about how his school is taking a trip abroad to Greece while you sit there processing that everyone around the table has extensively psychologically evaluated you and you probably have your own file on the Batcomputer (you do. It's excessive.)

It's just. The psychology of having all these problems you've struggled with be wiped away by someone else like it's nothing and how, that can result in making someone feel all the more worthless and helpless. Oh, Bruce was able to just make all your problems disappear? Clearly YOU weren't trying hard enough. Tim is able to suss out what's wrong with you? Well YOU'RE the dysfunctional idiot who was born wrong, and YOU were the one choosing the wrong doctors. You're watching all these young teenagers or young adults be vigilantes and travel the world and learn multiple languages and you're like. Normal guy Steve from the grocery store. You know? They take control of your life and make you feel like a side character in it, because everything you do is now attached to them, and all of them and all of their adventures are so... spectacular

And really, someone with a meaner heart, and maybe someone more blunt like, say, Damian, could perhaps come in and make some comment, "see? This is why you needed our assistance in caring for you" and what are you gonna do, NOT act like they basically fixed your entire life in less than a year's time, with the one objection of kidnapping and imprisonment? You're just over here, "um yeah, actually, I'm an adult and I can take care of myself, you don't need to TAKE CARE OF ME???" meanwhile Bruce and Alfred are exchanging knowing looks while you speak as if the old butler hadn't needed to help you call your doctor and other important urgent matters because being on the phone with strangers gave you such intense anxiety. Ok yes sure honey you are a lovely functional adult and your brain is big and beautiful and perfect 🥰 now shut up about going to live back home on your own, go play Xbox with your new brothers or go bake something with Grandpa while the world's greatest detective sits down in the Batcave using the Batcomputer to track down and "have a friendly chat" with that one childhood teacher that gave you that one really specific trauma-

[hangingoutwithcorpsez]

Viva x Barb angsty headcanons

(because im sensitive and stupid)

Barb

She's VERY insecure about struggling with relationships, but never really shows it. (looking at the movie scenes where she says that her kingdom tells her only what she wants to hear and how upset she is about poppy's card) All her heart really needed were friends and love, but she put too much pressure on herself.

Easily gets jealous over Viva, because of her abondment issues. She still feels like a pop troll could not love a hard rock one, especially knowing her conflicting past. This starts most of their fights, as Barb can just be TOO MUCH with that.

Insanely pressured about her role as a queen. She's scared of becoming what she used to be, no matter how much time has passed.

Struggles to control her emotions, especially anxiety and anger. That sets a specific picture of her to some, with only her closest ones knowing the real Barb, and only Viva understanding and supporting her through it. It even seems like her soft spot exists only because of Viva.

Used to be deeply depressed (before the events of World Tour) Thinking that "reuniting trolls" with her music is the only solution to her personal emptiness and pain. Not knowing yet, that the event that's actually going to change her is meeting a specific curly haired troll. (but hard rock was probably involved in that event, let's be honest)

Viva

Is deeply traumatized after the bergen attack and how she got seperated from most trolls. She falls into PTSD episodes in which her colors fade away and she leds Clay to cover her work.

Just after they started to form their mini-civilisation, she was still completely disturbed and turned to auto-agression as a coping mechanism, leaving scars on her body.

She's still frightened by bergens, trying to start a bond with Bridget, but the rest... Poppy still has to convince her to them, as Viva prefers to not visit them, if not necessery.

Feels VERY lost in Trollstopia. Not like it's a bad place, but it's so overwhelmingly different to her, that she feels like she has missed too much to normally function there.

Easily falls into panic and anxiety attacks as she's a really stressful troll. She still struggles to take part in bigger social events among unknown trolls. But Barb goes EVERYWHERE with her to support Viva, as well as giving her little motivational speeches before it.

Probably gonna write more some other time but now i'm really tired and i just have to let my imagination live here😭😭 AND ALSO I DONT WANNA GET TOO SAD ABOUT THEM MY BABIES DESERVE A HAPPY LIFE (which only means that i will make more post yapping about them)

[atom-writings]

Hii I love your blog ♡ I dont know if you're still taking asks but if yes how would France, Germany and England react to a s/o telling them they had been abused and have ptsd?

hetalia france, germany, and england with a s/o who has ptsd

1.8k words ~ gender neutral headcanons / scenarios

tw: obvs. mentions of trauma but nothing specific

a/n: sorry for being gone so long. my life is like a poor little weasel getting hit by a big hammer rn. hope this lives up to ur expectations anon !!! <3

France

- When you tell him, he's not surprised. He's spent so much time around you that he had always had his suspicions.

- But even so, when you first revealed the details of what you had gone through... Francis couldn't stop himself from crying. Seeing you now, knowing how you had been hurt, just broke his heart.

”No one will ever treat you like that again, ok?“ Francis told you, his voice shaking as he held you tightly against his chest, ”Never. Not as long as you live.“

- Considering how soft he already is around you, his behaviour changes very little after that.

- But, now, whenever he has the inevitable urge to run away, he just can't. He remembers how people have treated you before, and realizes that he can't be selfish like that to you ever again. So, fights with Francis are going to be more like discussions in a therapist's office.

- He'd never raise his voice to you or blame you for anything you didn't intend to do. Having gone through similar trauma himself, he remembers how long it took for him to fully move on from that; so any emotional outbursts on your part are easily forgiven.

- But in general, he's just very forgiving.

- Although he may be a great boyfriend to someone with PTSD, he might also become a little more controlling. Events that he wouldn't have batted an eye at you attending before might become a problem, as he worries about you being able to protect yourself.

- Friends who he used to mildly dislike, he suddenly insists on you cutting off. It's like he thinks of you as some delicate flower. It's all with the best of intentions, but it will be annoying for a while.

- Other than that though, he'd be such a calm, comforting presence to a S/O with trauma.

It had been such a long time since you'd had a nightmare about being back there. You couldn't even remember what the dream was about, all you knew was that you were back there. Which was more than enough to rip you from your slumber, sending you into a panic you hadn't experienced in months.

But as you shot up, sweat dripping down your forehead and heart pumping, Francis was right there beside you. In a flash, he turned on the bedside lamp and shook himself out of his sleep, immediately turning to focus on you.

”Mon chéri, did it happen again?“ He asked softly, adjusting himself so he gave you plenty of space on the bed.

You nodded, and he only sighed, ”That's alright, Y/N, you're gonna get through this.“

Your hands still shook even as he tried to calm you down, your gaze flicking from side to side.

”Breath with me,  amour, breath with me...” He chided, resting a gentle hand against your chest.

“1... Breath in,” He took a deep breath,  making sure you followed along, ”Breath out.“

For the next few minutes, not a word was exchanged between you two other than Francis guiding you through slowing your panicked heart.

”You did so good, Y/N...“  Is all he says as your hands finally stop shaking, ”I'm so proud of you. That wasn't easy, alright? But you did perfectly.“

You can't help but smile at his incessant praises, ”Can we just go to sleep now?“

”Do you want me to hold you while you sleep?” He chuckles, leaning closer to you.

“Maybe...”

Germany

- Ludwig wouldn't be angry, he wouldn't be sad, he wouldn't get upset at all when you tell him about your abuse. At least, not outwardly. Internally he's about to stab someone, but to you, he's completely calm.

- He doesn't push you to explain more, but he does make it very clear that you can tell him everything. He won't judge you, he won't blame you, he won't invalidate anything, he just wants to exactly what happened so he can better help you.

- (He actually went to medical school, as well as getting a degree in psychology, so he knows what he's doing.)

- After that, he puts a lot of attention towards your triggers so he can help you deal with them as well as remove them as much as possible.

- He's coping with his own PTSD too, so any outbursts or instability is completely fine with him. He understands. He'd never take anything you say in the heat of the moment personally.

- Plus, he's like, never tired, so you can always call on him in an emergency. You're his top priority. Whatever you need to feel safe now, he doesn't mind helping with.

- He becomes a lot more protective as well. Whereas you two were a lot more independent from each other before, now he makes an effort to accompany you to anything that might make you upset. He just worries so much...

- If anyone or anything DOES upset you, he's releasing absolute hell onto that person. Normally he'd never make a scene, but with you? He is completely ok with making EVERYONE uncomfortable, just to make a point.

- Your problems and trauma don't bother him at all. If anything, he's glad to have a partner who can understand his struggles as well. You're both just moving past something as best as you can, and that's all that matters.

“It's been three years?” You thought to yourself as you sat still, staring out the window, ”It must've been less than that. No, it was just last month wasn't it?“

That's what you'd been telling yourself since you woke up. That day, it'd been three years since you had left. But it must've been some kind of trick. Some lie you'd been told. No, it couldn't've been.

So you sat, your dry eyes fixed on a swaying bush outside the window. If it had really been three years since then, then you must've been sitting for months. The house was quiet, and the weather was dreary. You hadn't eaten. Ludwig would be frustrated about that. But he wasn't here, so... it was alright.

Or at least, he shouldn't have been.

“Y/N?” Ludwig called out from somewhere else in the house. You didn't move. Even as his footsteps came closer and closer to where you sat, you didn't move.

“Liebling, are you ok?”

No response. He sighs, crouching down next to your chair.

“Is this because it's been three years?“

This time a response, as it seems like your body nodded involuntarily.

”Ah. I understand, my dear.“

He stood up again, setting down his bag from work.

”How long have you been sitting there?“

”I dunno...“ You croaked out, your voice clearly being out of use for quite a while.

”Do you want to keep sitting there?“

No response.

“Would you want to come walk Berlitz and the boys with me?“

A small nod. Ludwig walks over just to open the blinds a little more, just as the sun begins to shine into the room through a gap in the cloudy sky.

“Nice timing, isn't it?”

“Yeah...”

“Take your time getting ready. I'll be waiting downstairs whenever you want to go. I missed you today, Y/N.” And with that, he pressed a soft kiss to your forehead and walked downstairs.

England

- When you first told him, things didn't go... perfectly. Arthur is not a very comforting man in general, but when it comes to you, his love tends to manifest in, well... not the best ways.

- He became quite angry when you told him. Not because he was angry at you, but angry that someone could ever do that to you.

- But after he realized how that anger would have come across to you, he tried to explain away why he had reacted so harshly.

”Love, I- I didn't mean to... well, I'm not angry at you, ok? I promise. It's not like it was your damn fault! You're the victim! Of some- some twisted cunt-”

“Ok- but y-you're still yelling!”

“I'm not yelling at you- I'm yelling for you!”

- Don't worry, that's probably the last time he'll ever yell around you.

- After the initial panic and hatred, he remembers what's important. You. And protecting you, in every way he can.

- Whenever he's around you, he makes sure to regulate his emotions as much as he can. He'll get all of his anger out at Alfred, just so you never have to worry about him coming home pissed. He wants his home to feel safe for you.

- He tries to be as consistent as possible. If you ever need anything, he won't ask questions, he'll just do it. As much as he wants to be snarky, he'd stop making those kinds of comments to you entirely.

- But if you still know your abuser, he's taking out all of that anger onto them. In his opinion, any person who could traumatize you like that should suffer just like you have.

- Basically, he just becomes a lot more protective. In public, he'd hold your hand constantly, so you always know that you're not alone. In private, he'd lay off any questioning. Whatever you need to do to feel comfortable, he'd push his own curiosity aside.

- Although, he struggles with talking about what you went through directly. He's likely gone through something similar, and an honest conversation about either of your problems freaks him out a little bit.

- He can comfort you, bringing you back from the brink with no problem, but don't expect him to have any meaningful ideas on how to help you cope.

- (His only idea is what he does. Which is to try to ignore it. Which is bad.)

All Arthur had to say was “What's wrong with you?” for the spiral to start. He wasn't even serious, but the smirk plastered on his face seemed to turn sinister within a second. The smell of the room, the direction of the sun, the feeling of your socks, all of it was too familiar. All of it was exactly like that time long ago.

You started to breathe heavier, eyes darting for something to save you from the situation you had just been cast into once again. Something must be different, this can't be happening again.

“Y/N?” Arthur asks, his voice distant and muffled within your panicking mind, “Y/N, look at me.”

When he reached out gently to rest his hand over yours, you completely drew away within an instant. Shaking, cowering in fear against the couch, as far away as you could get from...

“Y/N, is it happening again?” He said, his words barely registering. You nodded, still looking at everything and nothing.

But you watched intently as he got up. He walked over to the thermostat, his footsteps nothing like you remembered from back then. It suddenly became colder than it used to be... and a blanket was draped over your quivering body.

“It's over. They're not here... ok? I promise it's over.”

“You promise? Y-You promise?”

“You're safe. There's nothing here that can hurt you. I promise.“

[nerves-nebula]

Hi um terrible sorry to bother you rn with a maybe loaded question but what would be each turtles biggest concern(?) issue(?) once they leave splinter and like move to the hidden city? I have a decent idea for donnie and leo but have barely have any for raph and absolutely nothing for mikey

This may or may not turn into something im working on for this tmnt iteration

not entirely sure what you mean by concern so I'll try to wrap my head around "issue." but even that's pretty broad, since they have a lot of overlapping issues.

so like, they've all got PTSD. just to get that outta the way. i think ive talked about this before but i cant find those posts sooo here's to hoping i dont contradict myself!

Raph: Raph mostly struggles with figuring out his identity outside of being a protector. he also focuses a lot on trying to remain present (not dissociate) and being more in touch with his bodies needs, as well as his emotional needs. it's hard for him to pick up new hobbies because he can't really tell what he likes?? so that's what hes doing in therapy, trying to figure himself out and learn how to better take care of HIMSELF instead of others. and like, see himself as a person haha.

Mikey: Mikey gets a bit high off of freedom and kind of goes crazy throughout his twenties, lots of sex, parties, magic drugs, normal drugs, he's down for whatever. he's kind of all over the place and he loves it at first but then he realizes it might not be a great way to live for him. he wants to have something to show for his life and work and like, find a community (while still being insane sometimes :>) and he ends up doing a lot of charity work, painting murals, and a bunch of other stuff. eventually he stumbles his way into a tattoo apprenticeship. His whole thing is basically figuring out how to be his own impulse control, with a side of guilt because he feels like he's the "least traumatized" of his brothers (he still has PTSD it just usually shows up differently than in his brothers)

Mikey also really, REALLY hates being called stupid (not as a joke, like if he fucks something up and someone says hes dumb or something). Splinter always said he was the dumbest one of them all and he acts like he doesn't care, BUT HE DO. it really gets under his skin.

Leo: a lotta self hatred on his end tbh. he spends a lot of time as the hidden cities protector trying to atone for his past mistakes. he feels both fragile and like he's walking on eggshells around his brothers because he knows that he's made most of their problems worse. he also feels like what he went through isnt as bad, because splinter liked him the most. so he's got a similar guilt thing going on as Mikey, with the added pressure of feeling like he has to "earn" his place with his brothers, the way he had to "earn" his place as Splinters favorite.

Donnie: Donnie goes to college pretty early into moving into the hidden city, which he's super excited about! he gets into a really bad relationship for like a year or two with Adelaide, and after that just kind of becomes more and more suicidal until he attempts to kill himself. im not actually entirely sure about the timeline here but yeah, he deals with a lot of sexual & relationship trauma as well as self esteem issues (literally only conceives of himself as pathetic and weak), intrusive thoughts, and suicidal ideation.

donnie doesn't feel like he'll ever be good enough for anything, and he resents the people around him for disagreeing because he thinks they're lying to him.

hope that wasnt all too rambly for ya!

[renamusing]

While the writers keep playing us, here are some future plots to consider after robert comes back (ryan HAS to comeback at this point ok? i wont accept anything else):

Post-prison Denial - Aaron cannot forgive Robert or accept that he is back; he shifts the blame for Liv's death from Chas to Robert because Robert LEFT THEM

Post-prison Blues - Robert deals with his PTSD badly which engages Aaron's redemption arc; he stays by Robert's side and helps him through it

Reunion 3.0 / Seb's return - Robert gets access to Seb (he comes to some sort of agreement with Rebecca or something happens to her offscreen whatever) and seeing Rob and Seb (their son!!) together in the village destroys any willpower Aaron still had to fight against his feelings for Robert

Wedding 3.0 - this needs no explanation

Surrogacy 2.0 - i dont actually mind them going there again if only to get them their Sugden-Dingle daughter

The Return of Andy Sugden - everything is going well for Robert and Aaron but Andy's return shakes things up; the farmboy that Jack Sugden caught Robert with back in the day is working with Andy now; so we get jealousy and misunderstandings and high drama in the Still-Madly-In-Love-Husband front (because that's Aaron innit) and Robert finally tells Vic and Andy about what happened with his dad when he was young.

Teen Seb Comes to Stay - Seb decides he wants to live with his dads at the village permanently (rewashed Liv plot i know but im making it easy for them!!) there are issues with his little sister at first but they get quickly resolved. Seb and his auntie Eve become thick as thieves and become the village nightmares

The Return of Adam Barton - because Aaron needs his mate back at some point and I doubt Vic will settle with anyone else ever

Robron vs Caleb - this just seems like it would be fun idk. it could have something to do with Seb because he is just like his dads and finds trouble everywhere which Robert and Aaron always have to solve in the end

Robert vs Kim&Andy - at this point in my AU Andy is with Kim (romantically or as business partners idc) because it serves the purpose of killing two birds with one stone so that Robert can finally FINALLY win back Home Farm

Robert Sugden's Regression - being in charge of Home Farm ofc changes Robert a bit and he starts to become the thing he fears most: his father. Cue him pushing his children and Aaron to the breaking point until, in true soap-fashion, they break up again. The kids split too. Aaron takes their daughter and Seb stays with Robert. And this ofc leads to:

The Parent Trap: Robron Edition - Seb and his sister plot to get their dads back together through a series of funny shenanigans, but then one of them gets seriously hurt in an accident (they should watch out for those evil farm animals amirite? or was it another drunk driver? only the soap gods know) so all the progress they made crumbles. Aaron and Robert blame each other and seem broken up for good

The Biggest Mugs In The World - Aaron and Robert try to prove to themselves and their kids that they dont want anything to do with each other but every time Aaron sends Robert his divorce papers Robert 'misplaces them' until Aaron finds out Robert has been ripping them apart and chucking them into his fancy fireplace. They fight about Robert being a control freak and Aaron a jealous queen, because every person Robert has flirted with since they separated has ended up fleeing the village with their tail tucked between their legs (Aaron made sure of it). This goes on until they have angry make up sex and then hate themselves for it.

Reunion 4.0 - *PROBLEMATIC PLOT ALERT* Seb and Eve become romantically involved and try to hide it from their families (aunt and nephew fits the Dingle lore somehow lmao). When they are found out Robert goes apeshit and casts Seb out of the village (like his dad did to him once) but he and Seb are at The Layby and before Robert can make the biggest mistake of his life, the love of his life arrives just in time to stop him. Robert realizes what he has become and decides to leave Emmerdale himself (after all, he was always the disaster, the one unable to make anybody happy, he should have never comeback etc) but Aaron won't have it. They can't live without each other, and that fact has never been clearer than at that very moment (shot to a teary-eyed Seb behind Aaron). Robert begs for forgiveness and Aaron just scoffs because forgiving Robert is the easiest thing in the world. They had promised each other messed up forever, had they not?

You know. I know.

[risingscorchingsuns]

hey guys! my posting/writing/general activity is probably going to get a little slower for a bit. i’ll still be here, but im going through a tough time right now. its been a frankly pretty awful week and im getting the feeling its gonna be rough for at least a solid minute. longer explanation below if you’d like it, but tw for mentions of trauma and abuse.

So ive mentioned it before, but i have complex PTSD. my parents split when i was very young, and my stepmom moved in with my dad almost immediately afterwards. when i try and remember it too much my brain gets foggy, but to put it simply, she was horrifically abusive to me and my younger siblings. she resented us for being born, as living reminders that my mother got to my father first. for over a decade she was the sole adult influence in my life, and from the age of eleven she manipulated me to believe she was the only person in the world i could trust. she bullied me for my neurodivergence, my appearance, my interests, anything she could get to lord over me. i had no escape for most of my formative years, because she cut me off and isolated me from any form of support I could possibly have, from trying to force me to change schools to convincing me my own father gave up on me. I only cut her off permanently last year.

Summers are really, really hard for me. When she and my dad moved across the country, I had to spend summers in Texas with her, and her alone. I had nobody. In a state far away from everyone who loved me, where she had full control and access to any form of communication. She’d regularly go through my messages I sent to friends, partners, even my mother to make sure I wasn’t “making up lies about her”. I was trapped, and completely, utterly isolated. Every day was about survival, and every day was about just making it to that night, through that hour, through that minute. Every single minute I lived in anticipation of the next, walking on eggshells to appease her impossible standards. When the weather starts to get warmer, my brain starts to anticipate going back there. I shut down, and go into survival mode. I have a tendency to isolate, though it’s something I’m working on.

The weather is starting to warm up where I live. I’m starting to get nightmares again, and I wake up feeling heavy. I’m stressed out all the time, and I constantly feel either hypervigilant to the point of paralysis, or completely dissociated. I know I’m in for a rough patch until my brain realizes I dont have to go back, and settles down my trauma responses. But it may be a while before that happens. I only ask to please be patient with me for a little while. I’m really sorry.

It’s hard for me to admit I’m not doing well. I might take this down if I find myself overthinking it. I will have good days, I always do. But for now, I’m in a bit of a dark place, and I deeply apologize for the resulting change in my interactions. I love you all deeply, and I want you to know I’m safe- I have a support system, and I dont ever have to see her again. I’m in a better place than I used to be, and I’m stronger every year. But the weather is starting to warm up, and I’m starting to shut down.

Please be well. I’ll respond to things as best I can, and I’ll still be around when I’m able.

Leon 🪲

[bonny-kookoo]

I DON’T WANT PEACE👹

I CRAVE HEART CRUSHING ANGST!👹

Everyone: blame this person right here, not me.

---

"Alright yeah, you're pissed and I get that-" yoongi says, pinching the bridge of his nose. "But could you not yell like a maniac? You're scaring her." He sternly says, having noticed you trembling on the couch next to him. You've never met his bandmates, you've got essentially no idea who this stranger is in your home- so you're naturally terrified.

Especially considering where you came from. Before Yoongi came along, shouting had ways been the intro to every nightmare you'd experience.

"I don't care! I'm fed up with this!" Namjoon yells, visibly snapping. "What's next? Jimin has a wife and kids? Taehyung runs a brothel? Who knows because I for sure as hell don't!" He barks, waving his arms around. You visibly flinch at that, and Yoongi gets up along with his bandleader.

"I think you should leave." He says, and Namjoon steps closer- way too close for comfort.

"Maybe you should leave, if you get my hint." He grits out between his teeth, and it stuns the producer a little bit.

"I should leave? Oh really now?" He asks, unsure if the man across him is being serious.

"Maybe?! Is this all even worth it anymore if we dontbtell each other shit no more?" Namjoon argues, and Yoongi is ready to respond-

Before he hears the front door slam closed behind him. He doesn't need to look around much to realize what must've happened, as you're nowhere to be seen, and he knows from experience that as a fox no matter what subspecies, your instinct is to hide whenever you feel unsafe.

"Great. Awesome, really!" Yoongi barks, instantly moving to get his coat and shoes on. "Thank you!" He shakes his head angrily.

"If she runs off like that you've clearly not trained her well enough!" Namjoon tries to argue, and Yoongi turns around with a scandalized expression.

"You dont- namjoon, I respect you, but what the fuck? You don't train them, they're not pets for fuck's sake!" He exclaims, completely upset at the situation. "I can't waste time arguing with you right now. Fuck off, and don't you dare try and contact authorities about this!" He threatens as he pushes his friend out the door with him.

"Why? You've got dirt on your shoes with her? Great, a criminal record now!" The bandleader yells after him.

"Fuck you." Yoongi darkly responds, voice deep and controlled, and its now that Namjoon starts to get a little worried of his personal safety because he knows that once his friend goes calm, it's really the end of his patience wearing thin. "She's an abuse victim, got PTSD, and I promised she'llbe safe with me, I literally signed a fucking document that stated that if I fail to take care of her, she'll be back at the treatment center, locked up like she's some sort of monster." He explains.

He remembers all the strings he had to pull, how many friendships he had to play to somehow get things approved. He'd just donated to the place, nothing else- but somehow, seeing, meeting you there, had made him just decide that he could be your safe space. If no one wanted to try, so be it. He would try, as many times as he needed- and it worked. You improved, you healed, you're able to live a normal life now despite your ups and downs. "I gave her a normal life, I am her only chance at living outside of that place, and if you just ruined that for her, for ME-" he says, clenching his jaw, thinking of his next words before he decides against voicing them. "-do what you think is right. It's what you always do, after all." He finishes, before running off, phone in hand to track the Tag he's put onto your collar.

Praying that he finds you before anyone else does, or before anything can happen to you.

[nahalism]

Did you ever experience some kind of…almost debilitating anxiety? I’m talking of months or + gnawed and exhausted by fear and both mental and physical sensations that come with it. How did/do you move through it

luv

a long one in advance but lol yh bare times. ill answer ur question, but there's two sides to the route i took and i have 2 preface with everything i did and do is based off of what i feel is right for me at the time. it doesnt mean its right though, and im very aware of that, so ill share some parts, but ultimately each person has is their own experience. the first step to moving through something, is looking for answers so like.. deeper than whatever i have to say, the answer is not in my answer, its in the fact u want answers

anyway. throwback to 6 ish years ago, i was having a breakdown breakthru and i started viewing what i called anxiety, as hyper vigilance. i started to see i was using a way of perceiving reality, along with my ability for analysis, to create correlations between my present, based on my perception of the past, to determine/predict the future (both futile and fallible), not cause i wanted to know what was going to happen, but because i thought keeping account of all possible outcomes gave me control and control would keep me safe and stop me experiencing a version of life i didnt want to go back to (more specifically it stopped me feeling helpless & inconsequential). as i understood that, along with the traumas at the root of my hyper vigilance, and the anxiety (social and general cause they r v separate), i recognised that i wanted control because i wasn't confident i could take charge or respond to reality without immense preparation. on top of that, i was resisting the fact that i was anxious because i was calling the symptoms i was experiencing my anxiety, but the real anxiety was the way i thought, and i was actually addicted to thinking in that way, because even though i hated it, and what it did to my body/nervous system, it was protecting my ego by giving me a false sense of control.

so that was my first step. i began to take action from where i was, as i was. that meant listening to what made me anxious. for example, if a place or person made me anxious, i didnt interact or go. i validated myself and what i was feeling. & i dont mean that in an avoidant sense, ill say why in a second. but yeah i validated what i was feeling, and began to see that the more i gave myself permission to be who i was, and do what i wanted unapologetically, the less direct anxiety id experience. and that sounds like an easy decision to have made in hindsight but usually, the change a persons anxious to make is something that in the moment requires a huge leap of faith but seems inevitable in hindsight. anyway, that's when i really realised that i was anxious because i was living an inauthentic life based on premeditation rather than presence. i had/have concurrent ptsd, so there were a lot of emotions i hadn't felt in a long time without realising, like passion or genuine laughter, happiness, joy, peace. id literally forgotten anything but this autopilot need to protect myself, be there for the people that had been there for me and stay alive. in giving myself permission to be different from who i had been, i started to see the world free from what my past dictated it should be and everything started to open up as as a consequence. side note, id been studying metaphysics and philosophy since 6 form, and i can't underestimate how much the principles i learned there helped me transmute my situation. ive recommended all those books in here before, so u can find them, but yeah . it sounds pretty and idyllic and as essy as 'changing my mind' but it was fucking brutal. i transformed in every sense of the word i lost almost everything in the process. there were wins along the way but 90% of them were silver linings of my own deciding. however, nothing i lost needed to stay! and everything i chose to go through or was subjected to led me to understand me and opened options as to how i could cultivate a beautiful and real inner life that eventually began to bleed out into the 'real' world.

the dark side of that, which is how i reached most of those revelations and insights, is the experiential bit that i can't communicate. i literally put myself through hell, and i can type till my fingers fall of and still never convey the full picture of how what why when, but yh. when i said i listened to my anxiety, i meant that literally. as i said before, i didnt allow myself to be avoidant. so if there was a reason i didnt want to do something, i honoured it, but lets say the only obstacle to me doing something was my anxiety, id force myself to do it, to the point of masochism. literally, i was obsessed. day in day out i was reading on self improvement, i studied every religion, researched philosophers, listened to hour long lectures on youtube, i did everything i could do to understand myself, my mind, life, and how to reprogram what i was experiencing. at the same time as this i used to myself in situations that would trigger panic attacks, or dissociative episodes and find ways to 'function' through it. one that worked very well was smoking weed, sometimes alone, sometimes in bad company. weed gave me severe panic attacks at the time, so when i was on my own, id smoke to induce panic attacks so i could meditate, breathe, draw, write, literally do whatever helped to bring myself through the panic attack. then when i felt capable with that, id smoke in bad company and practice with the pressure of being in front of people and there would be times id b having full blown panic attacks in front of people, sometimes with, but usually without them knowing and the whole time was just training myself to understand or pay attention to my mental patterns, training myself to calm myself down, to reach a zone where i could see through what was triggering me, or at the very least just firm it. and the more i did that, the more i understood why i was dissociating, or collapsing, or having chest pains, hyperventilating all that shit. the more i understood, the more i reeeaaally understood, and then i got to a point where even though the trigger is there lol, it still exists, but when it gets pulled i can hold the explosion. because i feel it happening, i see it happening, but it happens to something within me and not to me now? and so i kind of watch it and love and appreciate it for what learning to temper it taught me. its like a familiar old friend has its quirks that i wouldn't change for the world and yh idk im just rambling i need to go to bed. but basically i stopped being debilitated by anxiety by living in complete debilitation of it until it couldn't debilitate me any more. id be lying if i didnt say it drove me to very dark, lonely, appearance of being semi crazy states of being, but it was worth it and still is.

without the period of isolation the second half of what i described put me through, i couldnt have found realignment cause i wouldnt have seen how incorrect my projection of my past onto the future was, or how to correct it. & deep it, if all u know is death misery lack poverty shortage economic & social insecurity, then all u can see for the future is that. once u open ur eyes and see urself and the world for what is u can start playing. it wasnt easy, and im still not over being anxious. but its not debilitating, just an uneasy emotion. & the way i see it at this point, its just my inner system seeing something what my eyes dont & making me aware. when i listen im redirected, and can find alignment. when i dont it gets worse, and the only way out is to be numb. but i wanna live and i cant live numb. hope i answered, love <3

[spidersmiceandeverythingnice]

Wait, what Nessian hike scene? I quit reading after acomaf…

Oh God so this is going to be long but it makes zero sense without the bonkers context: in the Nessian book (book 4, Court of Silver Flames) there is this bass ackwards subplot invented to make sure Feyre can't solve the plot - SJM says, "Oh, Feyre - the 22 year old who learned to read last year - is pregnant by her 530 year old husband and so she can't fight!! 🥰💕🥰😌😌 Isn't this lovely?"

Except - and I am not joking this is all explained in EXCRUICIATING DETAIL - Feyre and Rhysand were having sex while Feyre was shape-shifting into an Illyrian and now the baby has wings. Apparently shape-shifting changes your entire DNA. And Illyrian women have pelvic bones shaped to carry winged babies but High Fae dont. Because Feyre and Rhys had wings while they banged, the baby has wings. And this is VERY DANGEROUS. So dangerous that Feyre cannot use any of her powers - cant shift back to the appropriate bone structure for the baby. The pregnancy could rip Feyre apart from the inside. They CANNOT do a c-section - they are extremely firm and insistent on this. Feyre is absolutely going to die if she continues the pregnancy to full term. The birth will be SUPER DANGEROUS.

And Rhysand just decides that Feyre doesn't need to worry her pretty little head about this information. He tells the details to every single person in the Inner Circle because he is just so SO worried about his darling Feyre...

But yeah she definitely doesn't need to know medical information about her pregnancy so that she can make informed desicions and choices of her own!! Who needs to make choices of your own free will when you have Rhysand amiright!?!?

Anyway Rhys and the whole Inner Circle have been treating Nesta like absolute scum and garbage because she has PTSD and isn't grieving in a nice, pretty way like Feyre or Elain. Nesta is self medicating with casual sex and copious amounts of booze and doesn't want to spend time with people who hate her (ie, the Inner Circle) so they get super salty and decide to tear down the apartment where Nesta is living, force her to move to the House of Wind with Cassian, who at this point has nothing positive to say abut Nesta except that she looks hot when she's starving herself, and order her to train as a warrior even tho Nesta has repeatedly expressed that she has zero interest in fighting as a soldier. They explain that she's EMBARRASSING to the Night Court and Feyre exclaims, "How can I have any right to rule if I can't control my own sister?"

Yeah.

So anyway Nesta is pissed as fuck about this after several hundred pages of MacGuffin Hunting and decides that it's wrong for Rhysand to be such a manipulative fucking control freak about their lives so she tells Feyre (correctly) that Rhysand doesn't really respect her because if he respected her, he'd tell her how dangerous her pregnancy really is.

Now we get to the hiking scene. Brace yourself because it's about to be gnarly as fuck:

So Nesta has spilled the beans. Feyre gets very sad and starts to cry like a little girl - which, for all intents and purposes, she is because SJM chose this book to make Feyre weirdly "pure" and innocent and a beacon of goodness and light. Weird choice given that Feyre is canonically willing to murder literally anyone who gets in the way of what she wants for her future, but whatever.

Seeing her sister cry makes Nesta extremely upset and triggers her to start having an absolute breakdown. The book so far has been full of passages describing Nesta's feelings of worthlessness, her lack of self-esteem, and the way she desperately needs to control some aspect of her life (drinking, having as much sex as possible with complete strangers, having rituals to lock her door and take baths because these things are insanely triggering for her) because all of her choices and autonomy are constantly being stripped from her. She fears now that Feyre will hate her, because she was angry when she revealed the truth - so Feyre won't hear the truth, but will hear Nesta's fury, and at last, her little sister will hate her for good. Their relationship may now be ruined.

However, instead of Feyre and Nesta having a heart to heart a la ACOTAR and instead of them collecting Elain and fucking off from the Night Court for good - Feyre runs crying to Rhysand, who gets so incredibly fucking angry with Nesta for... revealing the fact that he lied to his wife about her own pregnancy.

Rhysand orders Cassian to get Nesta out of Velaris, "Or I'll fucking kill her."

Actual line. From the text.

Now, idk if you've guessed by now, but Cassian is actually Nesta's love interest for this book! Spoiler alert, but they turn out to be mates!!! So what is Cassian, the most alpha of all the very alpha very sexy Bat Boys, going to do when some random ass guy who is smaller than him threatens his mate?

Nothing.

Actually, I lied - Cassian obeys Rhysand unquestioningly. Zero instincts with regards to protecting his mate, whom he is supposed to be falling in love with, whom he is supposed to respect. He takes Nesta out of the city and thinks about how fucking angry he is with her, how mean and awful and cruel she is for... telling Feyre - again, correctly!!!!! - that Rhysand doesn't respect her as an equal and that her pregnancy is dangerous. He decides that he's going to punish Nesta by forcing her to hike across the mountains! He and Rhysand have a good little mental chuckle about this. Haha, Nesta hates hiking and being in nature, she'll be so miserable, but she totally deserves this for being a nasty evil person who we dislike. :)

During this conversation when Cassian decides to physically punish Nesta for acting out, also, it's revealed that Feyre is TOTALLY fine with the fact that Rhysand kept details about pregnancy secret from her. It totally doesn't matter that he lied to her and removed her agency and her ability to make informed decisions about her own life and body. He always has good intentions and just overreacted out of his overwhelming love for her, and who is Tamlin, again? What was the issue with him supposed to be? Anyway, I forget! Who cares!? Feysand baby is a go, they're going to name him Nyx <3

Cassian and Nesta are now hiking. Nesta is neither eating nor drinking, even though they are literally marching up and down multiple mountain peaks. For days, Cassian does not speak to Nesta except to bark orders at her about where to stop for the night, and to wake her up in the morning. Nesta rapidly spirals, thinking about how she's in pain and how much she deserves this, since she's a hateful person who has ruined every relationship she's ever had, so it's fine if she dies.

Cassian thinks, "Huh, Nesta's awfully quiet. Weird. She's probably preparing to yell at me again, she's such a bitch."

But then he notices how little she's eating, and how hard she's pushing herself despite her being much physically weaker than him, and he wonders if she's trying to kill herself.

He doesn't react to this insight, and continues marching her across the mountains until Nesta quite literally passes out from exhaustion.

Cassian is now somewhat worried - he's still angry at her, though, and yells at her that she should have been drinking more water.

Soulmates, everybody!

Anyway, once Nesta is revived, they have a heart-to-heart... sort of. Nesta tells him how worthless she feels, and how she genuinely believes she deserves what is happening to her. She thinks that she deserves cruelty, and is completely un-loveable, because she couldn't forgive her father for neglecting them as children and he still went out to die for them. Cassian... replies that he once burned down a village because that was where his mom was from and his mom was mistreated. No reaction to any of Nesta's insecurities. He doesn't reassure her, or tell her that he loves her no matter what, or that her pain doesn't define her worth as a person. He tells her that the best time to be a nice person was yesterday, and the second best time is today. Then he gives her a sword and tells her to start her training up. They have sex by a lake.

Ta-da! Nesta is now cured of her PTSD.

That's the hiking chapter! And while I'm at it -

At the end of the book, Cassian has never once admitted to liking Nesta as a person on the page - oh, he loves having crazy sex with her and her huge boobs, but he still kinda thinks she's an unreasonable bitch - and Nesta has gotten on her knees to apologize to the Inner Circle for being inconvenient and mean to them. Nobody ever apologies for calling Nesta worthless, or telling her she ought to be thrown into a dungeon in the Court of Nightmares, or for tearing down her house, or chasing her out of Velaris. Nesta sacrifices her vaguely defined powers to save the Feysand baby. And they all live happily ever after.

I rarely call out authors directly but I hope this long ass post explains my very deep and special personal hatred for SJM. She wrote a "healing arc" for Nesta which involved her being physically beaten into submission and molded into a "nicer" person for the Inner Circle's convenience. I have never read anything more fucking disgusting than Court of Silver Flames.

Tldr: You quit while you were head anon, and I'm proud of you.

[arowrath]

ive been reading a lot about ptsd for like. academic reasons as well as for the normal reasons (for fun/to try and speedrun fixing my brain (it isnt working)) and something a lot of places emphasize is others’ reactions being a super important part of how someone copes with trauma and if they develop ptsd. and thats something i definitely kind of knew already from experience and it just makes sense but like. idk. i just think about how the first person i told (aside from my therapist who doesnt count and my best friend whos just an extension of my own brain and therefore also doesnt count) abt one trauma just flat out ignored it and kept being friends with the person who hurt me and eventually stopped talking to me entirely in favor of them. and how all i could really do was completely isolate myself from everyone bc i was scared and i couldnt even imagine like. talking to anyone else about it. especially when a professional i talked to was really dismissive and.. not rude exactly but i got the sense that she really didnt like me. but those experiences like back to back ended with me like. shutting down completely and hiding in my room all the time and not talking to anyone and also being actively psychotic and realizing i had a dissociative disorder and its like. 😭 i mean it kinda spiraled wildly out of control. but if that first friend i told hadnt completely brushed it off and ignored it i think things wouldve ended up a lot different. i dont think it had to be that fucking awful. bc now with This situation all my friends have been supportive and accommodating and loving, and my school has been helpful and for the most part making reporting as smooth as possible (still sucks though!), and even though it has definitely been very traumatic like. im also seeing how it Should have been. none of that should have happened. when i told my friend what happened he shouldnt have just REACTED WITH A HEART EMOJI AND THEN NEVER BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN.. he shouldnt have texted that person in front of me every time we hung out. i shouldnt have felt nauseated going to the cafeteria bc id see them together and it felt like being beat to death. i shouldnt have been spiraling into psychosis in my room alone bc i should have had a friend who would be there for me. i shouldnt have gone days without talking to anyone because my friend should have been there for me and wanted to spend time with me. i got through it alone but i shouldnt have had to. and now i dont have to and its just. so fucking wild to. be able to see how important a support system is in my own life and how wildly different its been this year. idk

[sunset-bridge]

gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

[newsafeconfinement]

RESIDENT EVIL HEADCANNONS BECAUSE AUUGGHHHHHHHH

request more people, its abt 1am and im about to conk

chris:

- filipino, but his and claire's adoptive family are white

- contrary to popular belief, hes never used steroids. he just loves his partners. ( @kernelpanicart and i's funny headcannon)

- nd: obvi ptsd and amnesia, but he also strikes me as the autistic type: my autistim sense is tingling when i look at him

- in a "everyone lives" scenario, he defo dates jill, piers, maybe wesker, and leon, and theyre all in a poly relationship

- trans but transitioned pretty early in life

- bisexual asf

jill:

- keeping the canon french/japanese bc yes

- hates all forms of makeup. not even for formal events. over her dead body would she wear makeup. youd have to hold her down to put it on.

- dating chris, leon, and carlos because 💞

- she marries them and doesnt cry while the boys are openly weeping

- trans!!! transwoman!!!!

- absolutely completely bisexual as hell

piers:

- whiteboy (terminal)

- has the hardest time focusing because of chris. he cant help it. chris sexy :(

- just dating chris

- demisexual and bi

- trans too because he got the tboy swag

leon:

- also a whiteboy (terminal)

- in my stars!leon au hes been caught making out with every single stars member. even wesker.

- the members affectionately called him "leon slutboy kennedy"

- dating chris like a little BITCH (but also makesout with helena when he can) and also ashley and luis

- trans

- bisexual

brad vickers (sorry im a brad stan):

- columbian

- GOD i could talk abt my brad hcs all day

- i might make a post abt him alone. hes so silly

- trans and doesnt really want to completely transition

- bi and proud

- annoys wesker

- also wesker's boyfriend because hehehehehehehehe

- and jill's

- and all of stars

- he loves his partners and snuggles them all the time

wesker:

- cunt (whiteboy, more specifically FRENCH)

- dating: chris, jill, brad, william birkin, and rebecca

- before you say it

- him and rebecca thoroughly talked it through, and do not have sex or any sort of major flirtation WITHOUT rebecca first engaging

- im mixed on the trans idea tbh

- pansexual

william birkin:

- dont get me started on the whiteboy.

- him and annette are in a open relationship and hes with wesker too

- loves his daughter so much

- honestly i feel like if he saw sherry in re6, he would be so proud of her

- bisexual? more like. more li. i dont have anything clever to say

sherry birkin:

- japanese/american (i like referencing the re2 concepts of annette bc i like variety in my women, so i feel shes japanese)

- also i feel like shes not like. completely thin like in re6. "oh but guuiiiii shes training with the government! she should be small!!!" no shut up. she deserves a little bit of plus sized body as a treat.

- JAKE WIFE'D HER.

- adores jake, even if work makes them not see eachother as much

- whenever theyre both home, they just hold eachother

- loves halloween and makes her own costumes

- cis

- defo bisexual

jake:

- white (french/eastern european, ukranian most likely)

- loves his wife

- sherry makes sure on his missions thathe eats properly

- doesnt really understand halloween but loves that sherry makes them both costumes

- sherry's definately helped him experience more western things

- cis

- bisexual

ashley:

- whitegirl

- dating leon and luis

- shes their self control bimbo

- has cried to the stupidest things

- she defo smokes ouid with luis and leon for fun

- we know what that always leads to, dont we?

- cis

-pansexual

finn:

- chinese/native-american

- has feelings for piers and chris but never will talk about it

- piers and chris do notice his heart eyes tho

- trans

- gay gay homosexual gay

ada:

- chinese

- full fledged lesbian that makesout with claire to piss off chris

- cis

claire:

- filipino, but also raised by white people so she doesnt really know that

- bi

- transwoman but doesnt get bottom surgery bc she doesnt wanna

barry:

- all american dad

- trys to stay up to date with everything so he can stay close to his daughters, but unironically says "yeet" instead of "yes"

- hes just my dad basically

rebecca:

- japanese/american

- literally adores wesker

- she patches him up after rough missions and talks about what shes been working on to keep him calm

- cis

- probablt bi? shes questioning mostly

[faiiryteethh]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

[caffeineandkerosene]

i used to be completely 100% pro-recovery, i used to genuinely think i could one day be happy and healthy and that the world wasn't all bad. and then i got proven wrong time and time again just. running away from my abusers and being homeless/starving/raped AGAIN because there weren't any abuse shelters. managing to get out of that situation, trying to go to therapy, and literally having my therapist try to make me feel even MORE guilty about things? because already being guilty about several things that weren't my fault wasn't enough, she needed to make me guilty about literally EVERYTHING i had no control over because god fucking forbid a child abuse victim not be completely sweet and forgiving. fucking going to a sexual assault victim support group, being called a fucking whore by another girl there for getting raped as a fucking nine-year old and the "therapist" leading the group doing fucking nothing about it??? because it's a "safe space to share opinions" god i want to fucking DIE.

i just. can't anymore. i genuinely cant. i had a therapy session with a new therapist and couldnt bring myself to go because i was so fucking terrified of what she might do to me. but i also realize im literally SO broken and if i dont get help im going to fucking destroy my life even more because im a ticking time bomb but what am i even supposed to do anymore?? it feels like there's literally no hope left for me just. my ptsd is so, so fucking deep i dont even think it can be fixed anymore. good therapists are reserved for the wealthy and the fucking therapists ive had have genuinely made me worse off because now im fucking avoidant, now i dont want to talk about my trauma or even ANYTHING about myself to people, all i want is to hide away from the rest of the world and rot to death i can't. fucking take it anymore.