#and i try to be this kind irl but i fear i really am not that sweet

[yaoianime]

Soon im rly gonna do it

[its-tortle]

i'm fairly certain that my tumblr vibe is super sweet and kind and cinnamon roll, and i honestly don't know how that happened? i fear i may be a bit of a bitch sometimes irl. please don't let the internet fool you 🫠

[crazysodomite]

honestly i am one of the most alone people on earth. i really think i am.

[will80sbyers]

The thought that they are perfectly written to help each other makes me feral for them because they are complementary without having to try to be

Mike has that type of strong and morally golden character that believes in fighting back for justice and he genuinely thinks that all his friends being some kind of "different" only makes them special and that's something positive that they should be proud of and just by being himself- when he's not trying to be cooler for someone else - he helps Will to feel like he shouldn't hide himself like all the other people around him made him feel he should

Will looks at Mike and takes example from him and he takes courage and the love he feels for him is so beautiful that it feels wrong to think it would be wrong to love him

Will with Mike usually starts to feel like he can be brave and honest about his feelings, and he's not a mistake only because he's born different from what society considers proper.

and then we have Mike that doesn't feel special at all, that doesn't see himself reflected in the mirror as a hero, he doesn't see himself represented as one irl because for him what he does, like, be willing to give his life for his friends and challenge anyone that wants to hurt them just because he wants to protect them doesn't feel like something special or a burden

for Mike that is just in his nature

and so he doesn't understand how that makes him a hero inherently, he runs towards the danger any time his friends and family need him even against all odds... he fights back and he's willing to take any type of consequences for that, he's brave and loyal and loves with all his heart and still he doesn't see himself as a hero

during the years Mike has started feeling like he's not special enough for people to really want to stay in his life long term and so he has to try to be cooler than he is and change what he's like on the surface to be more like what society regards as one of "the cool kids"

and then here comes Will that gets MAD when Mike is not himself, that pictures him as a brave hero and wants Mike exactly as he is, he looks at Mike and sees the best person one could be and takes a mirror and places it right in front of him and says you are perfect exactly as you are too, I love you for who you are and I want you to always know that, I need you to be yourself because you being yourself is what gives me hope that I am not a mistake

you being yourself is what makes us all better because we are inspired by your character and you make us all want to fight injustice with you and follow you anywhere

you are special. and you are actually the one that's most special between all of us because of what you have in your heart and we all need you and most importantly we WANT you and we want to be with you

I want to be with you and stay with you for the rest of my life - you make me want to stay on this earth even against all of the pain and fear, and you make me feel brave and I need you to know how much you are loved and appreciated as you are right now without having to change anything about yourself

Mike & Will are complementary and they need and want each other at the same time and they will find happiness together🩷

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi. I heard you answer questions about sex ed and I can't ask anyone this irl since none of my friends talk about any sex that isn't super cishet and allo.

I'm kind of worried I'm asexual and of course I'm ok with other people doing whatever they want with their lives and not having sex whenever and however they want, but I really don't want to not have sex. Except that whenever I think about having sex with a person I'm instantly disinterested. like even fantasizing about myself having sex in a nonspecific disembodied way turns me off.

I worried for a while that it was because I was scared of my body (like a vagina-fear/dysphoria sort of thing, which was probably true) or just didn't have any sex drive, so to figure it out I started trying to masturbate when I was sixteen (my parents tracked my search history on my phone so I actually had to go to the library and find a sex ed book in the adult section and hide the cover with my jacket while I read it just to memorize the diagrams so I could figure out where the hell the clitoris was lmao) and I did like it and was capable of feeling good and orgasming and whatever. but even after I knew that it felt good and I do have a sex drive I'm still not interested in having sex with other people (I'm eighteen now for context, so its been a while). I can't think of one person I would ever even theoretically want to have sex with, including people I know, famous hot people, fictional characters, nothing. I don't want to be asexual but I feel like I have to be because I don't want to have sex with anyone. How can I be asexual if I don't want to be, or am I even asexual? what if I just have high standards, or I haven't met someone I really like yet? what if I am ace and I'm just being ace-phobic because I've internalized the cultural norms that 'sex equals humanity'? I keep having this mental loop where I think about possibly being asexual then I conclude that I'm definitely not asexual then I start thinking about it again. I know I'm supposed to define my own identity, but if I think I'm allo but all of my feelings are the types of feelings everyone says is ace, then what am I?

obviously you're not the mind-reading wizard rabbi of the internet so you can't divine my sexuality from an ask, but do you at least have any advice for figuring it out?

thanks for listening, sorry for the tmi

hi anon,

let's take a big deep breath and calm down a little, okay? it seems like you're overthinking yourself to bastard death and that's not going to help anything at all.

listen, man: the only thing that makes someone asexual is if they decide that's something they want to call themselves. like it's literally just a word to use or not use, and it sounds like you really don't want to use it. labels are meant to be helpful in letting people express something about themselves, so if a label doesn't spark joy, don't use it. simple as that. not wanting to call yourself asexual is no more phobic than me not calling myself a lesbian - I don't have a problem with lesbians, I just personally don't happen to be one.

it sounds like the main thing getting you down here is that you're 18 and like jacking off but haven't ever super wanted to have sex with someone, which is, like, oh man that's so normal. some people just don't have a very high sex drive as it pertains to other people, dude. you've likely only met an extremely small portion of the people you're going to meet in your entire life, and you're going to have feelings and relationships and experiences you can't even begin to imagine with all the people you're yet to meet.

in the meantime, let's channel all of the energy you're spending worrying about being asexual into something that will actually make your life cooler and more fun. might I recommend reading a nice book or perhaps doing some manner of art?

[umeji-writes]

I would like to talk about the Music Festival arc - aka my favorite Mairuma arc until now. I love them all tbh, this is just very close to my heart for several reasons. [cw: non-suggestive discussion of s*x; if you are a s*x-repulsed asexual person you are very much welcome to interact, but this may not be the post for you, take care and proceed with caution ♡ edit: I'm uncensoring the words from here onwards thanks to a kind anon's suggestion] To make it short, I love that the main theme of this arc is pleasure, and the desire for it. Honestly, it's very horny - but not in a slimy or creepy way, which is sadly quite rare in my experience. The appreciation for pleasure coming from love (also platonic love) is there in several layers. First, the plot itself, as Lilith cries out her desire to find "a love that burns like fire". She is not satisfied by most pretenders, and especially this frame spoke to me:

Because... Well... It's so true. I am an adult, and I had my share of sexual partners. The expressions people make irl are not always aesthetically pleasing, but who cares! We are told to strive to be always attractive, but in those moments of intimacy it's really not important, not as much as being fully present and enjoying the moment! Then, can we talk about Kalego please?

I mean, Nishi here went all out and didn't even try to hide her fascination for ...discipline:

(and to be fully clear: I am NOT implying there is sexual tension between Kalego and his students, I am only referring to him!!!) When I saw the whip I couldn't believe my eyes. Of course in that context it's not used that way, but it's very much recognizable as an adult tool... But more on this later. Finally, I really like that the Misfits are growing up and finding out new things about themselves. They are characterized as high school students (even if we don't know how old they actually are), which is when humans tend to have their first experiences and explore their sexualities. They are building together this beautiful show full of emotions and desire, and honestly performing with other people is really an amazing feeling (I am a former musician and theater actor - let me tell you, every performance was fire). Look at their faces: from here...

...to here.

They are shocked, but happy! And definitely feeling ...feelings. And here is my main takeaway: I am really, really sad that sex is a taboo topic in our society, and when there's something about sex, it's mostly treated in a very bad way. This includes sex scenes in generic-audience movies, which I tend to dislike... I hate that sex is handled like a dirty and secret thing. I hate that sex is mostly treated as something that has to do with power imbalance and taking advantage of someone else, usually men that "want to do stuff TO" women (nonbinary individuals like myself not found) - and too often not in a hot and consensual way. I hate that social media are becoming more and more sex-hostile, because investors fear these topics, and use children as a shield to justify limiting contents for adults as well. I hate that sexual education is mainly reserved for talking about pregnancies and, if the students are lucky, prevention of STDs. Solo or reciprocal pleasure? Consent? Treating it as a normal part of life for many people (and not ALL, again, asexual people exist)??? Naaaah, why do that, when you can make people feel shame and embarassment and perpetuate trauma. Again, I am a grown-up now, and while this is legal and everything, I was conditioned to feel some level of shame nonetheless when talking about it irl (which I am working on). The whip I was writing about before (and the kneeling scene afterward)? It was a revolution in my brain. "So... That's a thing we can do...?"

(like that) I plan on doing some adult drawings in the future, but there's a part of me that resists the idea, because adult entertainment usually involves some level of dehumanization... But you know what? I want to take it back and make it about pleasure and enjoyment as it should be. Tbh, I could write a whole essay on the causes for all of the above and how they interact (patriarchy, capitalism, religions as power institutions, etc.), but this is not the place. So I'll just say that I am really, really grateful to Nishi for including this arc in a manga for a young audience, as those are important years to build a healthy relationship with pleasure and one's own body. And as Sullivan said...

I'm very much convinced that Nishi is doing a great job at sending messages for inclusion and social equality in M!IK, taking the role of educator herself. (Other reasons why I love the Music Festival arc are: Soi's story, Clara and Azz becoming closer, Iruma learning the piano, the appreciation of music itself, the immaculate art and more, but that's for another post!!!)

[jgracie]

hi guys!!! i would like to speak to u all ab smth i’ve been thinking ab for a while 🤍 please please read

tldr: leaving for a few days, mutuals feel free to ask for @ for secret blog

ok so i’m gonna be completely honest w u all 😣 for months now my mental health has not been the best. ik it obv won’t show on the internet (and irl either because i’m not that type of person) but i’m in a bad place in my life rn. i’ve been pushing thru it but today i received some news that was kind of the final straw for me 😭 (it’s not life threatening or anything it’s just super disappointing for me)

i feel like because of this + stressing over exams for months i’ve kind of lost who i am as a person ?? if u know what i mean ??? and i need nth more than to reset and find myself again because honestly i’ve been making decisions and doing and thinking things that i know aren’t who i am as a person and don’t align w myself and it’s really bothering me but i haven’t done anything ab it and it’s become an endless loop

today was awful for me tho and so i’ve decided to take a break from all social medias 😣 i’ve alr deleted insta and tiktok cz they’re my main issues but i fear this is a social media too. i don’t want to fully leave because honestly this place isn’t that much of an issue for me & u guys rly make me feel better but i can’t do anything halfway LOL so basically what i’m trying to say is i will be taking a break from this blog and my main ( @gentlehue )! ik i already said i’m on semi hiatus but that’s more posting content w this i mean posting in general so this blog will be mostly inactive

i dont think it’ll be very long!!! a few days at most just for me to reset my brain and fix my mindset 🙏🏼 however i do have a secret blog made so that i can talk to my mutuals still because i love u guys SOOO much and i can’t just leave u like that so if we r mutuals feel free to ask for the @ of that blog (i’ll be going by my irl nickname on there so don’t question the name LOL)

i’ll stay checking this blog today and tomorrow just to answer asks and post the buzzcut jason drabble i promised but after that i’ll be gone for a little bit

i’m so sorry it’s come to this but i feel like i’m losing it and if i don’t do this i’ll lose track of everything ☹️

love u sososo much, cynthia

[notmyprey]

Hi! Uhm I’m new, I love your blog! But I’m just nervous I’ll be judged by others that I like this stuff

Hey I am so so sorry about how long it took me to get to this. I have been thinking this over quite a bit, since this is in fact a very serious thing. (I also have been really busy, which hasn't helped in the speed at which I answer asks)

Firstly, thank you! I am always so happy when people find my art/content as entertaining as I do!

Secondly, in regards to the judgment.

Unfortunately, no matter what you do, someone will judge you. But when you want something enough, when you care about something enough, you will find places and groups where that judgment lessens. I have found my place here, a place where, although no one knows my irl name, they know me by a name I answer to. Although no one knows my face, they do know a truer face of myself than many do in real life. People here know me and often know a more freeing part of me.

I think being here, on Tumbler, has been so freeing and overall rewarding. I know you may be scared of the judgment, but there are ways to lessen it. (I will give tips on how to do this later on)

Although our community has its faults, it is kind at heart and truely is trying to do what they think is best to keep others safe. Although many disagree with the methods, it always comes back to the fact that we want to have a safe place to express ourselves. This, our community, in reality, is a decently safe place.

That being said, I know the fear of harassment is very real. So if you guys want my tips on how to avoid harassment, here are some things I've found:

Dont post political views (outside of DNI lists) on your sfw vore blog. This often can lead to people who dont agree with your view on said matter to seek you out for hate. I have seen this time and time again, I whole heartedly recommend a dedicated blog to that stuff, or even creating a new/separate account for it.

Dont spam tags. This is basic, but often overlooked. Make sure you tag your posts right, or people may block you because you did post something triggering and they saw it.

Dont reblog Willy nilly. This can lead to mishaps, such as accidentally rebloging a post from an nsfw blog. Try to make sure you are rebloging from people you know are safe.

Dont threaten, even jokingly, anyone unless you make it 100% clear it is a joke. This goes for your friend, others, and even people who are mean to you. This is often overlooked, but can easily come to bite you in the ass when your words are used to make you look violent and sporadic.

If people criticize you, even unjustly, try to at least think about where those words may be coming from. I have someone call me a pedo in the past, and although I am very ace, I understand it was probably coming from a place of hurt. Whether it was their hurt or someone they knew, it was probably a subject that was important, and if they see any of the same trends as when they/another was hurt, they will point it out. Dont get angry and aggressive, no matter how much you want to. If you need to, step away.

If troll annons start invading your ask box, either turn off annon or stop answering. Answering annons like that too often only fuels the fire, trolls, not haters, but trolls specifically feed off of your reaction. There is nothing for you to often grasp onto in those moments since the face you are talking to is faceless. So, either scarcely answer trolls, or dont answer them at all.

Dont get involved in community discourse when possible. Unless your hand is forced or it is an unavoidable matter, it is best to stay out of discourse. If you still want to know what others thing/help in a muxg safer way, often, I will message others I trust about their views on the matter (or if they are involved asking if they are doing ok), but rarely anything beyond that. Its difficult, seeing people you know be in the rough situations, but often stepping in when not necessary leads to more problems than it does help.

Please note that these are just some of the things I do that help me. Other people may have their own way of keeping harassment away from their blog, but this is mine.

[thirdnap]

Hello,

Here is the life update of my past 4 years.

I began this blog many years ago in 2012 when I was only 14 years old, and I then slowly gained the courage to start posting art at 17 when I joined the K fandom. It's wild to think that I am now 25!

I was never quite consistent in posting since I only shared my art here whenever I felt like it, but it slowed down ever so gradually to basically 1 post a year for Yata’s birthday. This blog helped me with my fear of showing my art to others as I was incredibly embarrassed of my work for a really long time.

I soon moved to the USA from my homeland and attended animation school for 1 year, and then studied illustration and visual development for 4 years and I managed to accomplish many things I never could have imagined. I graduated with honors this past May, was selected by the faculty and head of department as my major’s trustee scholar, completed my 84-page art book thesis, got a few pieces into the Society of Illustrators, and my school even shot a mini docu-film about me, my art and my life where I got to share my upbringing. Art school was very demanding and at times tough but I managed to get a lot out of it :)

In July of this year, I moved to California from Florida and I’m much happier than I’ve ever been. I come from a very small country so I never expected to get this far in the art world. I drew Yata for fun in my bedroom whenever I wanted to and now I’m in LA breaking into the animation industry (receiving my first credit too!)

the drawings I share here are a very very small part of the illustrations I make weekly. I wish I could share them with everyone as I’m very proud of them but I enjoy separating my fandom life from my real life a little too much! Surprisingly I am working as a background artist at the moment despite never drawing backgrounds in this blog lol. I think many of you would be surprised at how different my work is from irl!!

It hasn’t always been great, so I don't want to make it seem like it's been all perfect. I���ve had many hard times too and at the moment I am extremely homesick since I haven't returned home in a long time but I think these are needed sacrifices.

However, I'm excited for 2024. I'm looking forward to growing as an artist and my goal is to continue to have fun with art as much as I have right now. I think I’m lucky to have a great support system including my best friend @fuurais who has been by my side for 10+ years and I managed to convert into a K artist too <3

Thank you for the support, for the kind messages, and for the excitement every time I post. I am always happy when I think of this blog and the friends I made. I unironically think about Yata every day as he is past being my comfort character tbh. I am currently writing this with full-on orange hair that I've had for a few years now lol.

I don’t think I’ll be as active as I was at 17 but I will try to not ghost this blog completely. There are a lot of things I haven’t drawn yet that I really want to do and I'd love to share those drawings with everyone.

Lots of love -

Tael <3

[the-enzyme]

I promise I didn't ask myself, " can I make a hyper-cutesy-looking-doll, hyper-creepy-looking, or what!" Lol! I always wanted to try my hand at repainting one of the Lol OMG dolls, particularly the male ones. When I got my Rocker Boi back when the doll released a few years ago, I thought he would be perfect for me to try. I got two, so I could keep one in box (he comes with Punk Girl). Sadly, he is a plastic shade of sun-burned red IRL. So, I kept putting that repaint off. I did make a mockup, and even planned on replacing his default body with the Mattel BTS body (I own too many, and don't really need any of them now! Lol!). His default body is too tiny for my taste, I would rather have a taller broader version of it, but there's nothing of the sort, that I know of. I am not a fan of the BTS body either, but that's probably the palest mass-produced body I own too many of, that I don't have to import and already have a million of them. So, I'll be keeping this dude on that body for a while.

My mockup for this repaint/mod has tinier eyes, and chipmunk cheeks. I don't know why I did that with the cheeks, there's no way in hell I can do that to this sculpt. I do want him to have much smaller eyes though. But I had to fill in the sculpted eyes with my old rusty Aves Apoxie Sculpt a million years ago, when I got this doll, because the LoL OMG eyes are massive!! And they are literally sculpted to be deeply carved onto the head. I had a huge pain in the lower back sanding all of that as flat as possible, without making the sculpt completely flat or ruin it in the way. I still need to mod/flatten it a bit further (the eye area), but I didn't have to add any filler as I had feared. The first time I modified him, and repainted him, I feared I had done a sh1tty job because my Apoxie was so old. However, I lucky didn't had to do any additional, additive mods. Just needed to sand a million years more! And I'll probably need to sand even further to get the tiny eyes I want, next time!

That will be the next time I am feeling energetic! I layered the paint way too thin at first, to match the much paler BTS body, so I kind of shot myself on the foot doing that. I do appreciate texture on realistic HS, but not on hyper-sylized ones as much. At least, not bumpy texture. I don't mind painted/faux/pigmented on texture on stylized heads, but I kind of mind this kind of thick texture from too many layers of paint (love it on 1:6 realistic-ish heads, but not on melon-headed anime-ish ones). It was my mistake, however. The next time I'll probably try to get myself a can of white acrylic spray paint first, or go thicker on my initial paint layers, for the color matching aspect. He's a vampire, so I don't want texture of any kind of him, I just want him to look dead-pasty-white-kind-of-pale, and I'll probably rebody him by then. I quite like him for now, I wish there was no texture to speak of, but live and learn I always say! (;

[heartnosekid]

hey friends, i wanted to share some things that are going on in my life right now. mostly for possible support, since it is really difficult going through this right now and i wonder if any of y’all have been through the same.

in july, i had three psychogenic non epileptic seizures (PNES) which required me to go to the hospital. they were caused by extreme nervous system stress, i.e. ptsd and panic attacks combined with the fact i was trying to self medicate with cbd and delta 8. super scary, never experienced a fear and strangeness like that before.

since then, i have had like. no full seizures but instances where i felt like i did before the onset of having the three in july.

i am now coming off cymbalta, the second SNRI i have had to come off in the last three years. i am experiencing pretty intense withdrawals and i was wondering if anyone else has had experience with cymbalta withdrawal as well and if anyone could tell me what their experience was like.

essentially my withdrawal symptoms are feeling similar to how the onset of the PNE seizures felt, and i am kind of just. i guess super scared. i have a support system IRL, but regardless of that, whenever i have these symptoms, i feel so alone and isolated. not necessarily in a lonely way, but in the way that i feel the extremest thing is going to happen and no one will be able to help me, if you know what i mean.

so yeah. i’m sorry to vent here, health problems have really been kicking my hind-end in recent years and now the seizures and withdrawals on top of it has really made things more complicated. and i wanted to know if anyone else has any similar experiences, because if someone has shared my experience, it will somehow calm me down. i will be responding to all comments left on this post btw.

as always, i love you all. very very much. if i miss any trigger tags on this post, please let me know and i will fix it accordingly.

- ish 💕

[honeekyuu]

honee starter pack

phd student; 26; she/her

painfully, dreadfully, atrociously busy irl (i live in a constant state of stress and ive never known peace a day in my life!! :D)

if im not here, im probably trapped in the lab or crying in one of my advisors' offices; ill be back eventually

my advisors are the two most feared people in the dept and they are also the sweetest, most cutthroat, most wonderful, most unfiltered, most supportive people ive ever met. even begging for my life on the chopping block with both of them holding the guillotine, i wouldnt change advisors for the world <3

in another life i was a shark biologist

somehow i ended up a linguist in this one -- my research involves morphosyntax and the acquisition of korean by english/spanish bilinguals (yes this is self-indulgent because this is literally just my language profile lmao)

please talk to me ab this, i dont scrap in the back alley with my hyper-bully korean dad advisor every week just to not nerd out about it whenever i can (he is both my biggest opp and my greatest mentor im so serious)

some favorite advisor quotes include "youre REALLY wearing overalls rn?" and "i will answer your question, but only if you promise not to get confused. because you LOVE to get confused."

i have hundreds of these if you wanna hear ab me getting roasted in real time.

about honeekyuu the blog

i dont update consistently (see: real time roasting described above), but i will update as much as i can

updates will be especially inconsistent during the school year, because i (1) am taking classes, (2) teach, (3) am a lab assistant, (4) am an RA for my advisor, and (5) have a dissertation to write

as a rule, i post and write whatever drives me the most insane at the moment, so if i hyper-fixate on something, it's because im one brain cell away from a grippy sock vacation. just let me be insane for a minute okay

i talk and shitpost quite a lot, so block #honee yaps if you dont wanna hear it lmao

block #honee yaps linguistics edition if you REALLY dont wanna hear it, because if someone brings up ling to me i will NOT stfu im literally wired to not stfu ab ling

i also post about spoilers because i have no self control, so block #spoilers if youre not into it

block #self ship friday if you dont wanna see me be delusional on main

i write for more than just haikyuu!! so if i go a long time without posting, check ao3 because the chances of me being deep in the stardew valley brainrot is high

this is an nsfw blog, so for the love of god please minors do not interact or follow me

dont be an asshole, not even a passive aggressive, faux-nice one. i try my best to be kind and give the benefit of the doubt, but i am also a leo and the oldest latina/black biracial daughter of four, so do with all of that what you will

i am a suna rintarou girl until the day i die, but i can and will make exceptions for the rest of miya4, bokuto, hinata, akaashi, iwa, mattsun, makki, aone, tsukishima, and kageyama

[pillarsalt]

hi Im the same ex transmasc anon who sent you that aask about rhe tumblr ban thing, I did a lot of reading without forcing myself away this time. (I used to look at radblr sometimes bc I got curious, but when it started making too much sense i would make myself stop reading and tell myself I was being manipulated and try to forget about it..looking back that probably wasnt normal haha,)

I have mixed feelings tho. I don’t regret looking closer, the amount of sexism in the trans community was horrible. I think even radfems don’t understand how bad it was because it was all subtle styff. But seeing it constantly irl and online was terrible for me as a female. It gave me so much internalized misogyny, it made me hate myself and I felt worthless and stupid! and whiny! and annoying! all the time!! unless I was able to be perceived as a man. I felt like I had to be a man to have any respect in the community. I remember being so amazed to see abortion be covered by trans people I followed in even a reblog because it was the first time I saw people in the community talk about female issues at all. Even then it was covered with disclaimers and terfs DNI banners. male,opinions were always prioritized.

I thought this was dysphoria and a sign I was really a man. then I started reading radfem things and its like that feeling instantly lifted. I felt respected, listened to, even though I wasn’t speaking. It was also like all this stuff I’d internalized from being female, all the trauma around sex based oppression, was actually being addressed. in trans circles you get called a terf for acknowledging females face any kind of oppression (they acknowledge sex when it’s to talk about how hard male loneliness is on young trans women, and how the incel to trans woman pipeline happens, though…)

but the reason I have mixed feelings is bc I now feel….dumb? And afraid. And angry. I spend well over a decade being part of this community, half my friends are in the community, I’ve been trans since I was 9. My typings not the best… dyslexia sucks lol. But I like to think I’m smart. Now I don’t know,

And it makes me think totally different of these people I saw as progressive cis male allies, who were so loud about trans rights and hating JKR and terfs. Now they just feel like the same flavor of anti-feminist man I hate.

And the community is so huge and it’s so widely accepted and I don’t know how to deal!

But I am happy to be a woman now. In a healthy way I haven’t been for a long time. thats all that matters.

I'm sorry for everything you were put through. Many girls and women have been sucked into this thinking it will provide a solution for their distress at the social ramifications of the body they're born in, only for more people, namely men, to take advantage of their distress and gain power over them. As you mentioned, even "cis" men get in on the action when they justify intimidating and threatening women with violence in response to perceived transphobia. It's a terrible situation to be in. Made worse when you can't openly talk about with people you're close to for fear of alienating them.

I think you should give yourself more credit. You ARE smart. You questioned what you were told was never allowed to be questioned and realized you were being misled. And what you said about trying to make yourself forget the realizations you've had, that is normal. It's a difficult and scary thing to hold opinions that conflict with those of the majority of your peers. I think it's like the climax of cognitive dissonance -- when what you know is true clashes so hard against what you want to believe, you find it impossible to justify anymore, so you just resort to pretending you never learned the information in the first place. Been there.

I'm just being a stereotype now, but there's a classic Dworkin quote for this:

"Many women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships."

Anyway my point is, don't beat yourself up. I'm really happy to read that you're accepting your womanhood, it's a hard journey but it's worth it to have a good relationship with yourself. And in my experience (at the sage and wisened age of 25) that it gets easier as you get older. You work through mistakes, and that prepares you to handle the next mistake better. You're right, your health and happiness is all that matters, keep striving for that and it will steer you right.

I wanted to give you some reading recommendations, you mentioned you have dyslexia but I believe these two are available in audiobook form if that's up your alley:

Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference by Cordelia Fine

Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado Perez

There are tons more great books on feminism but these two are my go-tos for hard facts on gender, socialization, and the systematic discrimination against women worldwide through biases that are built into society.

Well uh; TLDR thanks for gracing my inbox, anon :) Hope you keep well.

[frecklystars]

I'm sorry to make a vent post :c I hate being negative but I haven't been online in a couple of months and this kind of explains why + I really needed to let this out somewhere. TW for mentions of self harm and suicide mention, this vent post is a little bit heavy.

i havent been online for a couple of months now except one (1) time, and then i left again, just letting my queue post as always. my cptsd/depression/anxiety has been astronomical levels of Terrible. going offline just made me feel so so so much worse bc this is where i normally self ship and post my art. not blogging about my F/Os, not drawing them, not editing videos/not making gifs, feels... really really bad. self shipping is my main coping mechanism and not being able to self ship makes everything feel 50 billion times more hopeless. so I should try to get back into that habit again

its july. its gonna be my anniversary w/ the two F/Os who breathed life back into me when i was at my absolute worst. i should be really excited to celebrate an F/O anniversary for the first time in two years, but ive been... so... fucking miserable. the last few months i have been back into My Worst State Of Mind Ever. i have been having really bad days where im slipping back into planning how to end my life and self harming again like i did a year ago. this isnt an everyday occurrence as of right now, and rn as im queueing this post, i am not planning currently. but every other day i slip back into those old self destructive bad habits, so it's safe to say my depression is definitely Worse. im trying to figure out how to uh, hang in there. because i can't stop the source of the Thing that is causing me to feel like my only escape option is ending my life. this isn't just my mental health/a chemical imbalance in the brain making me feel this way, this is entirely situational and out of my control.

i know the source of my problem and why i feel this way, and i cannot control it. i havent talked about it on my blogs bc i dont wanna scare anyone, and i will NOT go into details here, but i havent felt safe in a very very very long time. i contacted the authorities back in January this year, i am planning to contact them again soon, but im afraid they can't do anything for me until things get worse than they already are. it sucks that you have to wait until things are literally impossible to get through until the authorities even CONSIDER helping you.

i have just been trying to take everything one day at a time and vent to a few close friends when i need to, but this has been so unbearably difficult to endure every single day. ive been dealing with this FAR longer than a few months, but regarding these last few months specifically, i feel like i haven't been functioning like a person. every single second i am just,,, scared and paranoid, this is the only thing i am ever thinking about because im so, so stressed. i dont WANT to think about it but i literally am incapable of having any peace. every few weeks, something scary regarding my situation happens, and makes my anxiety worse. i cannot tell you how scared ive been. im so scared every day that this is going to kill me, whether it's the actual situation that will kill me, or my own anxiety/fear will drive me into making an irreversible choice. which! i don't wanna do! i genuinely don't want to end my life, i just - i feel extremely trapped in this situation and i've felt very very very hopeless about it for a LONG ass time, and that shit weighs on you over time

my fear/paranoia has affected my self shipping, and self shipping is my main source of comfort, i cant lose it. i keep losing it. ive lost so much already i dont want to lose my F/Os all over again. i keep thinking there’s no point in self shipping because my F/Os would betray me or harm me in some way. i know they’re imaginary and they can’t hurt me IRL but like, from a self shipping standpoint, i can’t stop fretting over all of it being a huge trick. like they’re pretending to love me so they can betray me later. i can’t get any relief, I am having panic attacks all the time, my flashbacks are worse than ever. I can’t self ship and I can’t... function. i'm so messed up from everything that has been happening to me, i feel like healing is impossible at this point. i really hope that is just the severe anxiety/depression/ptsd talking. i hate being negative, i dont want to have such a pessimistic outlook, but it's just felt so... hopeless. like there is no point. but what am i gonna do, not try to feel things with my F/Os again? what am i gonna do, not self ship ever again?? i really have nothing else to do except try my best every day to get through this. or kill myself - and i dont wanna go down that latter road again bc its messy and it sucks and its expensive when you fail and i have permanent scars from the last time i failed two years ago, and i! want! to! get better! i dont genuinely want to die, i just want to escape my situation! this situation i am in should not be worth ending my life over. but i am scared all the time and that hopeless feeling is so heavy and it's just getting harder and harder to carry for so so so so long

i have friends both IRL and online who are trying to help me get back into a safe situation again, but there is only so much we can all do. so i just have to keep taking all of this shit one day at a time and just hope and pray some sort of miracle gets me through this. its been years so i really dont believe theres a way out anymore but i am just! agh!! fucking angry and sad and terrified 24/7 and sick of dealing with this, so i will keep powering through every day even if i gotta kick and scream the entire time.

ok anyway! im gonna stay offline for a little while longer (this is queued, if anyone is kind enough to reply/send an ask, i will try to respond when i return) but i will come back slowly but surely sometime maybe this week, next week at the latest. i at least want to celebrate my July 21st anniversary :( thats my most important one this year. i really really really need to get back into the habit of self shipping even if i dont feel much for my F/Os atm. i refuse to just lay down and take this, i want to at least try to feel something again even if it hurts.

thank you to those who have been patient with me with replies; tumblr says i have over 200 inbox messages and 99+ dms since ive been gone. i will try to get back to people slowly but surely, its just probably gonna take me a hot minute. if anyone has the free minute, if you can just send me something like "everything will be okay" in my inbox, i would super appreciate it 😭🙏 and thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.

[macgyvermedical]

Hi! I am working on a fic in which the main character (superhero in the MCU) gets hit by a villain's unknown gas that causes extreme and irritational fear/paranoia/anxiety (sort of similar to the DCU's fear toxin, I guess). I'm just wondering how this would work medically, as the character will obviously see a doctor after the fact. I'd like the conclusion to essentially be "you'll just have to let the toxin/drugs run their course," but what kind of tests would be run, and would they be able to determine what exactly is in the character's system? (Since it's a reality-flexible universe, there can be elements of the toxin that aren't actually real or familiar/recognizable to make it cause some of the reactions I'm wanting.) Is there any sort of meds they might give the character? Any insights you might have to make the conversation with the doctor at least a little realistic would be very helpful, thank you! :)

Sounds like a pretty standard day on my observation unit haha.

There are lots of drugs, particularly stimulants, club drugs, and THC, that can cause paranoia and anxiety. The thing is, none of them do it consistently enough that you could easily make them into a chemical weapon like you're describing.

The closest IRL chemical weapon to a fear toxin is called QNB (aka BZ). QNB is a deliriant/incapacitant, meaning that it causes incapacitating confusion, hallucinations, and probably paranoia and anxiety as well without causing death. There is no antidote that has been identified, and the drug really does just need to run it's course.

Let's say your character went to the emergency room. They'd probably draw some blood and take a urine sample. The blood would mostly be used to see how the person was doing physically (what their electrolyte levels were, how many red and white blood cells they have, what their blood glucose is, etc...) and maybe get an alcohol level. The urine would be used to do a urinalysis (basic test to determine whether someone has a UTI or has things in their urine that shouldn't be there, like blood or mucous) and a urine tox screen.

Unlike what most people think, a urine tox screen won't identify everything. It will just identify the top 10 commonly abused drugs. It's the same test that they run when people start a new job. If the fear toxin is a common problem in-universe, though, they might have a specific test for that that could also be run on the blood or urine. We don't have a specific test for QNB.

Once they got all the tests back and they were normal, they would know this was probably either a drug they couldn't identify or a psych problem. They might gets seen by a psychiatrist in the emergency department, but if intoxication was suspected (as in, the patient reported that their symptoms started when they were exposed to a drug), psych would probably want to wait until the person was sober.

For this they may be admitted to an observation unit to let the drug run its course. They might also be given an antipsychotic medication like olanzepine or haloperidol, or a benzodiazepine like lorazepam to decrease agitation/paranoia/anxiety.

If the person was a flight risk due to their paranoia and it was deemed that they couldn't make good decisions for themselves, they might also have a 1:1 sitter or a video sitter to stay with them and stop them from leaving (or in the case of a video sitter, alert nursing staff to them trying to leave).

[legless-fish-on-rollerskates]

Okay obviously any movie adaptation of a book is going to be trimmed down. I get why they didn't spend time on certain things like Nora and Alex's dating history and Ellen's PowerPoint. It makes sense with the way movie beats work to show them getting outed immediately after they reconcile instead of having the extra act of them writing more emails acknowledging their love and fake dating Nora and June to try and take some heat off and Henry coming out to Phillip. Some changes like Henry's surname being different and having a king instead of a queen I know were about not offending the irl royal family and while I'm not exactly a fan of the monarchy I don't really care that much. Pez just being "Percy"? Kinda sad but again, I don't really care. I even understand cutting things like Bea's struggles with addiction, Catherine's depression and detatchment from her children, and Richards being the one who outed them with Raphael Luna as the triple agent - they have value to the story and I wish we could have seen them, but from a filmmaking perspective I can see how they would take up a lot of time to properly include. There were a lot of things I loved about this movie, which I'm adding to the bottom of this post so as not to be a total downer. Overall I think it was a good movie and a relatively faithful adaptation. But also there are some changes I am less a fan of.

So, my biggest issues with the RWRB movie:

Amy being trans is never mentioned? It's literally one line in the book could it not be one line in the movie? (At least they didn't cast a cis actress, so presumably the character is still trans, but we could have said that. She could have at least worn a pin that would not have been hard)

Bea is younger than Henry 🤨 What even was the purpose of this change?

Look I'm not even gonna talk about June we've all talked about June plenty already

Alex already knows he's bi? His idiot crisis is a huge thing! It establishes so much about both his and Nora's characters! Was it really so important to reduce things by five minutes that we couldn't get a quick "wait I like guys???" "congrats you are literally the last to know"

Nora being bi is never mentioned?? I get that without June you'd have Pez focus his affections on Nora but having a thing with a guy doesn't make her straight! She could have at least said something when Alex came out to her! (Also without June you lose the poly undertones of Nora June and Pez which I at least thought was pretty important)

Just gonna reiterate, because the more I'm thinking about it now the more upset it's making me - They erased Nora's bisexuality and Amy's transgenderism and June doesn't exist? Congrats you've killed all the story's queer women

Ellen and Oscar are supposed to be DIVORCED that was IMPORTANT

No inspiring Alex speech to the crowd while they're waiting on Texas - this moment could have been so much more active than standing in the hall waiting and hoping

Alex gives his coming out speech BEFORE they get permission from the crown?? That doesn't even make sense! One, he never talked to Henry about it, and two, the white house would never have risked international relations by letting him do something like that without the king's permission

Getting permission from the crown was way too easy. In the book Catherine literally had to blackmail Queen Mary into letting them come out. You're telling me the king just went, "Are you SURE Henry are you REALLY SURE okay fine"? It way takes down the tension of the climax and also kind of invalidates all of Henry's fear that he's been struggling with the whole movie. It would be way more powerful for him to stand up for himself against a grandparent who was outright against him rather than one who just wasn't really thrilled about it

Why was Henry fully dressed jacket and all after their first time did Alex not reciprocate or what

That being said, things I loved about the RWRB movie:

"And I thought Alexander Gabriel Claremont Diaz was a mouthful" - "He is"

"History, huh?" in the V&A (I'm sad this wasn't in the emails because it means no wider HH movement from the public, but it was really sweet how they did it)

Visibly obvious red-rimmed eyes from both Henry and Alex (though Henry more) throughout most of the third act - just a little detail that I appreciated

Alex's conversation with Henry about being a person in politics who looks like him when his dad didn't have that growing up

Henry full on swimming away so fast when Alex tried to tell him he loved him, no mosquito excuse in sight. This was just really fucking funny I don't know why

Exchanging the necklace for the ring - works really well, great excuse for him not to add the ring to the necklace (for those who don't know, they tried this first but the lump was really obvious and it screwed up the costume so they had to figure out a different way to do it)

Henry continuously playing the piano throughout the movie

"She's not a republican, is she?"

Literally everything Zahra Bankston does and says she is perfect I love her

Mike Holleran is just as irrelevant in the movie as he is in the book. I continue to find this hilarious

Henry differentiating between the persona of HRH Prince Henry and the person he is to himself, specifically the fact that he defines his true self as Henry Fox

The equerry vs butler argument, purely because before we watched the movie I was giving a recap to my dad of the important characters and described Shaan as "basically Henry's personal butler" when he didn't know what I meant by equerry. I'm sorry Shaan I didn't mean it