#and i was all like ugh this sucks i was doing so well and now i have to be dragged back in the pits to work through this stuff agian
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bleh
#blabbering#rambling/whining/complaining/venting ahead:#I think the horrors have finally caught up to me and the depresso is starting to take hold#i don't usually experience this until winter but I think the sudden drop of activity and people going on hiatus and such -#has triggered this early for me#basically I can't be left alone with my thoughts for too long or i start spiraling REALLY badly.#i don't really handle change very well haha...#i have the notorious curse of second guessing anything and everything and putting it on repeat in my head and then amplifying it#which sucks bc I don't have any more escapisms that work now bc this was already my escapism and I have no human connections irl#(I'm not kidding either. I've failed time and time again to make friends irl and was always the proactive one about it. But alas... ugh)#my only source for connections is online bc i struggle to make friends (especially at my age and how my energy keeps depleting and depletin#might lowkey be sharkweek but usually I just get more agitated and not this (this is very specific to the winter horrors™ for me)#i guess I may as well check out the spears while they're around still (tho in between me making dinner). I'm just feeling super bummed out#and not excited like I was the other day about it (ofc I blame the depresso™).#I don't even know what to do for my beta characters. Head empty. Head gone. sigh.#also it sucks bc next week is gonna kick my ass at work (canada day/july 4th/july in general/5 DAYS and long shifts in there too)#i'm going to be so tired and so alone and with nothing to look forward to. Idk what to do bc none of my usual distractions are effective no#No escape. No seretonin. No company. Nothin'. I notice I when i start getting bad like this when I fall back hard into pokemon#(because it was my childhood escapism and I was a neglected only child who was left alone a lot; hence the connection lol)#i'll probably just have to suffer through it and be an absolute wreck of a person i think. I don't really have any other options#watch me get sick again bc canada sucks to work bc everyone has it off and they ALL GO TO THE STORE I WORK AT AND IT SUCKS.#gonna try to draw more too but the depresso is eating my brain worms (the healthy brain worms)
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wont lie im having a terrible fucking time with it! fuck applying for jobs what if i end it all instead
#its so fucking frustrating#all the application templates are so annoying the education system is different here so i cant even input my further education#like i have a cert IV in veterinary nursing but its not an option on any of the application form things like its not quite a degree#so i cant even put that i have any further education#and dont even get me started on the fact that my qualification means nothing here and i cant actually do the job i like and am trained to d#i have to pay 300usd just to get them to look at my course content and decide if my study is equivalent#and if its not and i have to do more study well then all of that was a waste since i cant study on my visa#like its not even worth it which sucks bc now i have to take min wage jobs instead despite knowing how to do a job that pays like 25-30/hr#and ive applied to so many fucking jobs and no one has gotten back to me yet i feel like crying#like i have savings im not going to die if i dont get a job instantly but having no income sucks so bad#and also just being at home with nothing to do is killing me like this is my first time being jobless since i was 15 and im strugglingggg#ugh anyways. anyone wanna hire me#p
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how is everyone feeling on this fine monday?
#personally i am feeling like shit :D#most of my friends. hm. i mean theyre allowed to do other stuff but mondays used to be OUR days and today. was not that#lets leave it at that#and my best friend is feeling similarly rejected but also in general Not Well#and its starting to grate on me#like logically i understand that its good and healthy to get help and talk abt stuff like this#but sometimes i just wanna tell her to suck it up like the rest of us (<- me who is very bad at getting help)#which is mean and unfair so im not doing it ofc#PLUS they didnt have the book i wanted at the library#and also i almost forgot how much my class sucks i hate all of them (<- loud)#also me and another friend are super excited abt a project thats up soon#but due to my best friend's mood she wasnt excited at all and that kinda killed my enthusiasm. for now but. still#UGH I HATE THIS#a biscuit's rambles#oh well time to go listen to too loud music and rest and paint and then listen to tma some more#maybe thatll restore my social and general battery#and i mean i did only sleep 4 and a half hours so idk what i expected tbh
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gahh . im still thinking about stuff.
#and like ugh. no. the reason i havent been happy with my art recently despite liking how it looks is cus im too exhausted#from work and life and such to really put the effort and thought into it i want. its careless. its thoughtless. theres#very little in my current portfolio im satisfied with on an intellectual level. and it makes me feel very#stagnant and kind of pissy about art. gah.#<- btw. call me pretentious or whatever and ill just straight up kill you. this isnt pretentiousness. i just care deeply about my art and#it conveying what i want it to. for me to be failing on that well. it kindof sucks#i think a lot of the work im happy with now is my stupid soliloquies to myself. theyre scratchy and look bad but at least they#get it across. yknow? ahh its so hard then.#txt#this isnt all that serious just thinking to myself.#having an odd blurry moment so putting my thoughts to text helps a lot in figuring who i am LOL . <- in a system way not in a .#whatever#but i do think that ^ above not the system stuff ^ contributes to why i really feel negatively about being viewed as a fandom artist#despite drwaing fanart- i want to use these characters to explore and think about stuff. u know? and i think fandom spaces#tend to treat fanart and writing and all that as mostly disposable one time use pretty things to think on once nad never agian.#and GAH!! that bugs me!!! i do not like how the internet has PRIMED people into treating art that way!#personal pet peeve i guess. what can you do
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#i feel like venting and not a lot of people follow me here so i figured this is the best place to do it#i'm just so tired all the damn time#depression has been kicking my ass#and i've been trying for so long to get a handle on it#and nothing seems to work#going to possibly be starting a new med in a few weeks but idk#i just want to feel normal but i feel like i'll never get to that point#and then there's the fact that i don't really have any friends#the only person i do stuff with is my mom which is kinda sad#but idk how to meet people#ugh i'm just so done with everything#like work has also sucked recently#i had to leave after like half an hour on wednesday and took the rest of the week off#and my boss has been super understanding which is great but again i just want to feel normal and be able to do my work#i feel like such a failure in every aspect of my life#i'm 25 and what have i accomplished?#i know everyone goes at their own pace but god i feel like i'll never catch up#okay i think i'm done now#i doubt anyone read this but if you did uhhhh thank you and i hope you're doing well xo#jace talks#delete later?
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i just want my f/os to wrap me up and give me a hug and tell me everything's gonna be okay. is that so much to ask ;_;
#vent tag#hi things are ✨not great✨ currently#I cannot handle this stress from college rn I just fucking can’t#and on top of all that I’m getting fucked over in other ways from the ppl around me and it’s just like…ffs can you not?#can you not add to the immense amount of stress I’m already under right now??#I’m getting majorly screwed by some of my professors rn and you have to make my life even harder??? for real???#so uh anyway fuck everyone bc everyone sucks and is extremely incompetent actually.#this turned into a full on rant in the tags but idgaf. if someone has a problem with it they can go fuck themselves.#I’m not in the mood to play nice or play games with anyone and this is my blog and I can do whatever I damn well please#god my f/os are like the only thing keeping me afloat rn. everything sucks ass#and I know I should be sleeping but I have a stress headache and I’m just… ugh
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back to the dating app 🚶
#got inspired to try it again 🙄#i have a date semi planned now and all of the women in portland are obsessed w me or whatever#bc i like love and dating ppl but i keep falling in love with friends and it HAS NOT ENDED WELL ONCE so maybe stop it you dumbass#(this may be caused by the fact i’ve gotten my hopes up a bit abt a friend of mine but i should NOT… unless…)#i crave companionship#and am#also so scared all the time i’m soooooososcaredddd rn#why can’t everyone just love me all the time#must be my personality bc i’m like really hot rn#also me swiping on ppl just looking for hookups them matching and just 😳 i do not know if i’m at a point in my life where i am confident eno#ugh to do that 😳#as previously stated i’m so so scared#idk i’m conflicted and need to over share about it#idk will continue flirting w that one friend tho#even though flirting with eachother is an ongoing joke in this friend group so i don’t think she would take it seriously lmao#was telling my dear good pal to come over and suck my fingers yesterday like that’s just how it is#anyway she’s cool and makes childrens books and stories and loves dinasours and is tall and can jump really high#we got drunk together at my friends bday and bonded and it was SO CUTE#also she cries a lot when she’s high but doesn’t notice (she’s not even sad there’s just tears lol)#ruh roh just typed that all out and realized it seems like i’m obsessed w her 😳#going to hit my head on a wall okay goodnight
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#Jesus. just finished my interview. no idea how it went#i think it was much too rambling on my part and they asked almost exclusively sciency questions#ugh hopefully i didn't look like a completle moron. the guy was sorta inscrutable so no idea what he thought#and he was like hmm whats ur competition here? and i dont give a fuck abt competition and also it doesnt really matter#fuck. i should have said. it would b fine if they were doing the exact same project bc we would b evolving different strains and it would b#interesting if they evolved even the exact same traits. fuck#i think objectively i probably looked like someone who halfway knows what theyre doing without the specific knowledge#which is exactly true. like mother fuckers ive got a full time job to be overworked in. i dont have time to memorize details of every#pathway change in every desert cyano#uuuuugh its just annoying bc my brain doesnt work well in the moment. i need time to process and knit together an answer#so i wouldnt b surprised if i was ranked low. oh god i was told the interview was prob a formality unless it goes terribly#itll b real embarrassing if i dont get passed this stage now#whatever it was a bit chaotic on their end too bc one guy didnt show up until halfway thru so i kinda had to go back and say things twice#uuuuuuuuuuggh. well that kinda sucked. at least its done. out of my hands now.#i was getting too excited abt it anyway. this will reaffirm my: obviously im not gonna get it vibes#i mean thats what i get for trying to join a very competitive program. like i am not a competitive person#rip to my lab mate who im gonna whine at all day abt this. i have to meet him in less than an hour#welp. there r other schools. god i hope at least one of them accepts me#ugh i just think its kinda annoying they they want u to be perfectly qualified for things lol. like i would need someone to step thru the#lab process with me literally once or twice and then id be good to go#like maybe a couple hours of someones time to remind me. thats it. humans r adaptable#i can obviously carry out a project to its conclusion and i have a lot of passion. not that they asked. but yeah#oh well. i should have breakfast before i freeze in the desert all day#unrelated
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#just a lil vent in ths tags dont mind me#for some reason today has just sucked ASS#which is a shame bc i was excited for notn#im doing a cbt course atm and a decent part of it is like. identifying what was the cause of ur upset#but theres days like this where its just everything and also nothing#having shit luck for notn so far. maybe reading smth a lil too angsty in my spare time#not doing art like i had planned bc it didnt go well and i was already upset#and doing art while upset is a recipe for disaster#and then repeatedly getting exposed to t//e//rfs#and how do i put that all in one cbt cycle huh???#i should probably just do the lessons my advisor recommended me. ugh#AND im tired#i feel like a failure. i was planning on doing so much art but its not looking likely anymore#i get bonus art each year for the ssat and i just never manage it myself#this sucks!#this whole year blows. and i really need to do the negative thinking patterns course#:(#bleh. im going to bed now and hoping tomorrow is easier#not fr#negative
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ill be like I can totally make a lighthearted post mentioning a kink i have and i wont even freak abt it. and then i freak abt it
#its not even one of the ones i normally freak abt. fml. fml. its spreading. eventually i wont even be able to say Strals exist without going#into system shutdown or something. this sucks#this is also why i have so much trouble posting on my nsft is ill go over there and be like. Id love to **** some ***** and then i get#terrified. so i dont#my pfp over there is literally. **** ******* ** * *** but i go over there to post abt how i want to **** * *** and im like that is deviant#i cannot be saying that in front of my followers. who dollowed my nsft blog. where i list the things im into . and my pfo is * **** *******#** * *** so its not like theyd be HORRIFIED if that came up#but idk... i worry ppl dont read my dni over there. bc usually they just follow me after seeing that one post which doesnt rly mention any#of the ones im weird abt. except for like kind of it does but whatever its fine i cannottt freak out abt that post its existed for like.#months now. sigh. its all just a bit embarassing which sucks#“mdni”#IN A MASSIVE WAY. idr if any minors still r here if im still muts with any....#its just like. IDK i either feel a bit silly posting on it and its just mildly embarass Or i send myself into hysterics over how im an evil#person bc i like. well i cant say. obviously. but yk. stufffff. that i am into. I HATE TALKING ABT IT BC IT MAKES ME SOUND LIKE AN EVIL#PERSON AND LIKE. its not anything like. UGH. im not into kids or animals 👍👍👍 obviously. and idt its that bad the things im into some of#them r like basically baby shit like ohhh woww youre into *********** and yet even that i cant talk abt it bc im like um im going to be#smited by god and sent to hell or soemthing and actually i only thing its normal bc im a disgusting weird freak and everybody would kill me#immediately if they knew also im an evil person? its like. UGHHHH.#and the other stuff is. less 'mainstream' which is even scarier but ig in a way ive been More open abt it which is kind of funny. looks at.#but even then i dont rly go in detail bc yk. Stuff. im just like lol they r the way they r bc of how i am. and then i walk away forever#idk. ive been feeling so guilty over that specifically like. UGH. its not like. ugh. i rly cant talk abt it without it being obvious and im#scared byt im also like Compelled to talk abt it so ppl dont think its worse but im also compelled not to bc thats like oversharing i guess#as if thta isnt All i do on this fuckass blog. no matter what i do i lose. i hate my brain so badly i wish i could judt get over it and jus#be like yep these r the things and not have to like over clarify and explain and disclaimer everything and stuff . idk. it suck#mdni#the quotes didnt take it to the top like they used to. kms
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sorry i haven’t been online i’ve been hyperfixating on bolstering my dynasty in ck3
#on my fourth high king of ireland!! had a rough start since the vassals were all like you need a regent ☝️🤓 since your family has been rulin#g for so long#and i was like ugh fine for like a year and then i deposed my regent after she made me the scapegoat of making the crown a higher authority#(which she wanted me to do but i did it since i revealed that she was the one who forced 😋 my hand)#and then i had to wrangle the faction that came about after we lifted the crown authority and i tried to murder the earl who started it but#then i tinkered with my perks and did a feast with him as the honorary guest and made me him love me 😁#and then all was right#but now i have to figure out my succession since my wife decided to only birth sons (we have like five)#tried to get my second eldest to take his vows (become apart of the clergy) but he was like lol no i’m too ambitious for that pops#actually my third eldest since my second eldest did take his vows but now he’s my archbishop!!! so i’m like you still have lots of power if#u want dude!!! but now i’m going to have my two youngest take their vows (hopefully) but if not my heir might have to do some fratricide or#the like 😞#i at first wanted to set out on forming the empire of brittania but we’ve gotten super rich and famous just as the kingdom of ireland#also every monarch of england is super vulnerable (i would know considering i’ve killed six of them in murder schemes including one who was#my lover 🙄 sorry sybilla i just thought you were not cool for flipping me off after i won our game of chess just like super uncool you know#but if anything happens i will set my sites on the kingdom of alba since the king i was friends with just died but alba is almost as chaotic#as england like i married off one of my daughters to the king but then he got deposed in a liberation war (which he asked me to join him in#i did but i didn’t do anything to help since i hate raising my military since it takes such a big toll on my economy)#and i bought my daughter and her husband back to my court in ireland and the new king of england started bitching at me because he knew i#had him in my court and i was like well damn that sucks for you but im not letting this dude go if i know i have this boon on you 😁#(boon being his claim to the kingdom of england and all those duchies etc)#anyway i love political intrigue and making money it’s fun#dianna.moon
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feeling very distressed rn so im probably not good company or conversation partner bt also i feel so much worse about things that are normally fine & ok &. ugh. hildemet save me
#its so hard to trust it is so so hard to trust & i dont feel very capable of it right now. this sucks so bad.#i know its because i need sleep i need to sleep soon. but fuck man#i try hard to be tolerable. but it does constantly feel like all eyes are glued to me waiting for me to make one singular mistake#note that when i say 'constantly' i am also not in a state where i can think of or remember how it feels when i am not distressed#so this may be inaccurate. i am just expressing how i feel currently. & see it sucks i feel the need to elaborate so much. ugh#even a more genuine expression of distress feels so performative bc i overexplain everything to avoid misunderstandings. man. man..#i just need to type it out. & well i need reassurance but when do i not. imagine being not metnally ill what a pain in my ass!!!
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#the way some people are just friends as long as you are of use to them but when something awful happened to you they couldnt even check in#and then you go into a big depression and arent able to have the headspace to help them with their shit#and now youre finally a little better and trying to check in but they ignore you#like ugh like i knew he uses female friends as an emotional crutch but still#its not like i had or have many friends anyway#it started with losing one friend because he [redacted] and dealing with the aftermath of that shit leading to losing [redacted]#which doesnt hurt as much anymore most of the time even outside my depression so i think it means im over it#but basically id you dont get that i wasnt doing well with all that idk what to tell you#and you can say all that you know im here and you can tell me stuff but when i actually do you ghost#lmao always knew that would happen because it happens with everyone#no one really wants me to open up#thats what sucks about losing [redacted] too because thats the closest i was to being myself with someone#sigh anyway#might delete later#lol spiralling but i told myself ill let myself deal with it instead of suppressing it so here we are
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when i feel very lonely i get fizzled out of doing anything after less than an hour
#the bin#been feeling much more lonely since moving into this apartment and i cant draw bc of it#cause i have trouble continuing things i was drawing earlier. when i try im filled with this horrible exhaustion and sadness#its easier to feel better when im living more alone because i can play music or walk around and talk to myself and try to make things#brighter for me but when im living with someone especially someone who i really dislike its just impossible to do#and worse i have to hear them be here which just makes me feel even worse#ugh. my relationship with my sister has gone from bleh to awful. her absolute refusal to take me into consideration for anything including#bringing people over at nogjt without even telling me at all. the last straw. absolutely the last straw#hey yknow id love it if in the middle of the noght when i want a snack and dont wanna get all dressed id like to know theres someone here#cause id rather not them need the bathroom the same time and im just in my underwear. but noooo i dont have the need to know theres#some other person in my facking home. nope not my right#the thing where she insists she tells me that she was gonna have someone over when she didnt has been pissing me off a lot because she#uses the fact i have a poor memory to say why actually i misremembered..shes like well ur perception of reality sucks so u THINK u#remember correctly but actually u totally dont but like. im not having problems rememberi g other things like that right now. and i#distinctly remember these conversations and i always make not of when someoens gonna be here and when you tell me i remember#and theres so much proof that she also forgets stuff. but i honestly think she might be intentionally lying abt it because she forgot#to ask or didnt want me to say no. well i am saying no. idc if theyre already here. yall can go hangout elsewhere bc i wasnt told abt tjis#and i deserve to have quiet in my own home. its literally all i have.#ive been feeling like maybe shes not so bad. people grow and change and sometimes you dontjat in different directions#and you dont get along well anymore. i hear her say to other people that im still her favorite person so its very one sided abt this#honestly though its not just that we dont get along well anymore but nobody is at fault because she is at fault#its not like i never let her bring people over. i do. im just askingmthat im notified first. and her response to forgetting or choosing not#to tell me is to use my mental health things against me to say im just too mentally ill to knoq if i remember tnings cleatly#then how come tnis only ever happens with this thing or cleaning stuff? it ONLY rver happens with stuff that she wouldve needed to tell me#about that are important. oh an important bill i needed to know abt but u didnt tell me? i did but u forgot.#but never anything else. its only ever tnings that she would be in the wrong for not telling me about if she hadnt. thats it#so yonow im thinking maybe. u didnt tell me. which wouldnt blther me so much if she didnt just say actually i did but ur schizophrenia#made u forget wow ur so insano haha#ugh. she sucks. literally dont even wanna built legos with her even tho the set is cool as fuck bc being around her sucks#wow sorry for my many many many tags complaining about my sister. living with her is awful :/
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hi mommy i know ur in middle of getting divorced & u just gave me $50 last time i came home but can i have $100. can i have a plane ticket. can i. can i have. things sorry im annoying sorry i made ur life miserable sorry i never talk to u sorry im sorry
#i feel so bad for my parents they probably feel so bad rn. like they really picked a great time to get divorced when none of us would be#able to process it. through no fault of their own#imagine u finally got the balls to leave ur shithead husband after 15 years and then the night u planned to tell ur kids u instead have to#stay up all night on ft to make sure ur family is alive lmfaooo 😭😭#anyways i. its so fucking weird. i had started to think abt Family Things and traumas again like just the week before bc my sister suspecte#and i was all like ugh this sucks i was doing so well and now i have to be dragged back in the pits to work through this stuff agian#then the divorce actually happened but completely lost significance#and now im starting to be normal i guess idk and so it's all coming back. augh augh augh augh augh i need a fucking break i cant
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#uuuuugh... i spend all day writing a stupid report that i dont Even kno if im wrting right#idk if im alloud to use figures idk what the deadline is. just: hey can u write abt this data? fucking sure i guess#and im not even done yet. but tonight i have to finish deconstructing and rebuilding my statement of purpose and working on my application#which is also gonna suck. but my mum says im a good writing. and then 2 sec later she was like well ur a good bullshitter. and im like lmao#thanks i guess. i think she means im good at justifying things#but its gonna b a long night. i dont actually have to finish these things tonight. its literally just my brain like: do it now or else >:-(#my boss: hope youve recharched after the sampling! me: fucking ???? was i supposed to? i just fell face first into writing instead#and i got invited to carve pumpkins tomorrow. i wasnt gonna bc ive got 3 phd interviews to prep for next week and i gotta read like a#million papers. but then today one of the other ppl texted me like: hey r u going? it would b cool if u did! i can drive u#and im like 😭 i have a friend?! so i told myself if i finish my application bullshit i can go. but again its gonna b a long night#i dont have a pumpkin tho. and i dont wanna get one. or deal with a rotting pumpking later#maybe ill just b a freak and bring a lump of clay. sculpt something as they carve. that would b a weird fucking move but like i also dont#really care. id rather play with clay than carve a pumpkin tbh#ugh. will i ever find the time to draw? maybe not. maybe ill just lay here and cry bleh#im glad that my friend reached out to me tho. that was super sweet. ive literally only hung out with her once sampling but we immediately#overshared bc it was one of those like connecting to another person probably on the spectrum things. all the interesting ppl i talk to prob#have adhd lmao. they have like exacly the opposite problems i do so i think their brians r so interesting. i mean my probs r the same but#diff. idk how to describe it. im too rigid and compulsive but also big executive function probs. im stuck somewhere between ocd and autism#lmao. or ocpd. probably definitely ocpd. hhhhhhhhh gotta love it#im just a compulsive lil goldfish swimming around and around in circles#brain wont even let me go home for Thanksgiving. annoying#and infantilizing bc i cant drive or do normal things for myself. sigh...#unrelated
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