#and i would consider myself as already having context enough to watch it

[gaiussaidno]

i thought i would like the dc supersons movie, but it is rushed pacing-wise. and dialogue is uhhh okay, but i kinda am like 'hmmm' at some lines and moments and the way they unfolded. it's really cute seeing jon and damian meet and become friends, but it's definitely a speedrun relationship. they set up A Lot with the writing and just zoom through the key points to get to the ending. decent movie to watch but the story is not gonna stick with me i dont think. the animation is pretty nice and cute, but this style isnt really for me tbh.

HOWEVER, the big surprise for me was dc superpets!! it was actually very enjoyable and impactful on me??? it's really good!! a very solid story with fun characters and pretty nice chara development! the animation was well-done and extremely charming!! if you want something lighthearted and cute to watch, i recommend super pets. it's cheesy and sweet in the best way and i even cried at points! when i fully did not expect to be emotional at ALL when i first started watching the movie. i know humor is subjective but i did smile or chuckle at a decent amount of the jokes. if you watch superpets, dont forget to watch the end credits scenes! i think there's one after the animated cast credits and then another after the full credits, which is a teaser to another dc movie. :3

[danwhobrowses]

I've kept myself contained and (mostly) quiet as I consumed all of Downfall - knowing that each part would alter my previous perspectives and assumptions - but man, there is so much to discuss. Finally it's time to talk about it!

Spoilers for all 3 Parts of Downfall below

The TLDR of this essay is that it was awesome and it has both unraveled so much context while enshrouding so much more lore in mystery. The long answer is long so stock up on cake - but not Brennan's cake, he's very protective of it - or something to keep the energy up.

Let's start at the beginning: Tengar. What a start that was! The destruction of Tengar really does reframe the Gods from the get-go. They were lights, they were refugees, they watched the destruction of their home and the loss of their family just as mortals would in life, war, and Calamity - but in a place where those things had only just come into being. It poses many questions too; were they what the Luxon scattered themselves into? Is Dunamis the remnants of Tengar? Was Predathos - assuming that the 'fruit' was Predathos - a purposeful creation or one that got out of hand? We knew of two gods that it ate but there was more (Unless Predathos is Edun? It's definitely a theory). The prologue shows how the Gods ended up being forced into shape, how their traumas limited their possibility as they careened towards proto-Exandria. There's a parallel to be made with the Lights' response to escaping Tengar's destruction and several PCs', especially Bells Hells who are able or attempting to rise above their pre-defined traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms, development and growth - compared to the gods who found themselves stuck in place: doomed to play the role and domain they became shaped into. It also makes me wonder about the Founding, Creation, and the Schism itself; did the Primes start creation in order to keep an essence of home (all the divine trees planted across Exandria could be parallel to the Orchard)? What are each Betrayer's views on mortals? Asmodeus and Lolth clearly have disdain for them, but Asmodeus hurts mortals with a 'jealously kicking down your siblings' legos' vibe whereas Lolth likes to make mortals look as ugly as she already sees them. In cooldowns it was mentioned that had Melora been willing to walk away from Exandria she might've been a Betrayer, so I wonder if all Betrayers are simply mortal-hating or some are just willing to just leave mortals behind? I remain super curious over what the Primordials' side of the story is too; asking Rau'shan and Ka'mort should be considered eventually, given how they have knowledge and experience with sealing Predathos, but how did they see the events leading to the Schism; was there a deal that was broken? Did the Primordials hate mortals? Were they aware of Tengar before the Founding? Did they aid the gods in adjusting to their fixed forms and domains? And did they treat them like children like the gods treat mortals? What in history is lies and what in history is lecture?

Then of course there's the mission itself, which commits to its title in many areas; the Downfall of a civilization and culture within Aeor, the Downfall of (more) Wizard hubris with the Factorum, the Downfall of splinter factions trying to end the war by thinking they're doing what the gods want, and the Downfall of the Primes' infallible reputation as their armies and followers felt abandoned by them, no longer willing to accept the 'I am the parent, you are the child' justification. In the end only the Betrayers succeeded because the city falls and mortals died, but they don't succeed enough because they didn't get the Factorum - and the Primes still cared enough for mortals to try and save them - and thus the Calamity resumes, which I suppose is another Downfall: they were once family and wanted to be family again, but the truce wasn't real. The Betrayers were planning to use the Factorum to win the war (perhaps the two who didn't show had a change of heart?), they wanted to go where the Primes would not because, at that moment, winning and being right was more important than family.

The characters to nobody's surprise are all fantastic; Ashley's Trist (Saranrae) and Noshir's Emissary (Proxy of Erathis) had my heart in a winch for all three episodes, reminding me of it every so often with a big squeeze of emotions. Laura's Emhira (Matron of Ravens), Taliesin's Asha (Wildmother), Abubakar's SILAHA (Corellon) and Nick's Ayden (Dawnfather) all flourished as their characters too, alongside Brennan's variety of NPCs both as mortal gods and Aeorians. I loved Trist's boundless compassion and her constant struggle with having to do something cruel to many for the sake of saving the people she loved, as well as being forced to choose between her mortal family and her infinite ones, I loved how Asha was prickly and cutthroat as Nature can be in desolation but also not without her own regrets, longings and her gradual softening towards the Emissary, I loved how Ayden was an embodiment of the Dawnfather's purest hope and desire to protect people - contained in the body of a teenage boy, I loved how SILAHA loved Aeor's culture and people so much that he couldn't even be angry at the archmages using their gift to build a weapon that could destroy them, I loved that Emhira played cold and detached in an effort to bond with her siblings but found that her connection to them shone greater in the more human moments, and I loved the Emissary's innocence, how with so few words you had an earnest encapsulation of what he was thinking or feeling, and how in death the deep bass became a childlike lightness when meeting the Matron in her domain. The short arcs each of these characters undergo was amazing to see and the combat the more they became divine was insane - like seriously Trist hit 500 damage from a Guiding Bolt! And Ayden's Sunburst killed 3 Dragons and more AT THE SAME TIME! And btw throughout all 3 parts the dialogue has been outstanding, good grief! You could make a small book of all the amazing, thought-provoking, and downright emotional quotes packed in these three episodes. These are true tour de force players, guided by Brennan painting a gallery of scenes as if he was speaking at the Globe Theatre.

I like that the Factorum Malleus is pretty blatantly an allegory to a Nuclear Warhead. With the problem being that dropping a nuke will only beget the sobering conclusion that it can be done again, by others too - much like the Ritual of Seeding: once you make god bleed, everyone will try to cut them. The Factorum should not exist just as Nuclear Weapons should not exist, and that plays a part in the horror of seeing Cassida present it to Trist as if it was a gift to win the war rather than a tool to kill her family, just as Oppenheimer saw the bomb as a means to end all wars until he realised after that it was just a new escalation to warfare.

We also found room for important non-God NPCs, mainly the tragic success and failure of two Aeorian Archmages: Selena Erenves and Cassida Previn. Both display acts of humanity which end tragically; Cassida fell into faith to save her son and was given the chance to try and erase the knowledge of the Factorum so that people could survive, but her good intentions was prey to Asmodeus' cruelty and she was tortured and killed for information that, had he maintained the Arcadia guise, would've been handed over willingly, then on the other side there's Selena, who accepted death and consequences before attempting to activate the Factorum while also successfully spreading the knowledge of its construction to every wizard in Aeor, effectively forcing the Primes into having to destroy the city, only to be embraced by Corellon, forgiven, spared, and left to live with her actions. It's ironic that Cassida was punished for her humility while Selena was spared for her hubris, and the only real reason for their fate is which god they were stood before at that moment. The celestials Garathran and Acastriel were solid obstacles for Brennan to flex his dialogue of embitterment and demonstrate humanity in characters deemed otherworldly but not so much human, Garathran's suicide was very visceral even if them killing themselves in front of the Death Goddess was dumb, and Emhira and Ayden both using themselves to shield a blow from Acastriel was great symbolism to pay off their arc of bonding as siblings. They and the Archmages also acted as a harsh reality for the gods that their 'children' don't want to be coddled anymore, they've grown enough to want to understand, and have at least a voice on the table. On the lighter side of NPCs, Slitch was a lot of fun, I hope he managed to survive - maybe ascending with the Matron since Emhira did willingly relinquish her mortal form rather than it being destroyed in the crash - and still serves the Matron somehow, he's just a funny lil' guy. Brennan playing as children is always gonna be heartwrenching too, but the Everchildren Haylie and Topher were both sweet and also so brave; they have their mother's courage, as well as her divine spark.

For the mortal god NPCs Brennan rightfully didn't have Arcadia (Ioun), Zaharzht (Torog), Umleta (Lolth) or Tishar (Grummsh) outshine the main cast, often guiding the story along or cracking wise with them, but that could not be helped when it came to Milo Cowst. Brennan's Asmodeus is spectacular, absolutely untouchable, and when I say that I mean every time he does something I want to punch his smirking shit-eating face so hard that my hand appears on the other side of his head, because fuck that guy! The continual torment he does not just to mortals but to his own family is just some absolute peak villainy; he conspired with the celestials to entrap Ioun and was willing to sacrifice her, his own sister, to get what he wants. He as Arcadia tried to convince Trist to go after her family, telling her 'I love you' just as Imri did before heading into the fire, knowing KNOWING that he was luring her away from Cassida - one of the few followers she had left - to try and run away with the knowledge of the Factorum, and then donning Trist's husband's shape while he revelled in getting Cassida to allegedly renounce her before eviscerating her at his feet for Trist to find, all this while he had already sent his forces to murder all the refugees in Hawk's Hill - targeting Trist's mortal family especially while this all happens - I hate him so much. As a side note, it's interesting how Brennan and Matt establish two different Major God villains in the world: Brennan's Asmodeus and Matt's Tharizdun. It's not a bad thing to have two godly villains, I shudder to think what would happen if they worked together (at least before the inevitable power struggle), especially since their villainy is in two different departments: Asmodeus is a villain to beings while Tharizdun is more a villain to the Material Plane, you could also relate that to Predathos who uses both of their methods in their own way. Since Tharizdun doesn't get as much in-person appearances atm Brennan's Asmodeus does truly feel like the absolute villain of everything right now, but Matt does have way more time than Brennan does to get his godly villain across.

The three episodes each had a unique flavour to them; Part 1 was very much about establishing the dynamics and setting the scene: Aeor in its militarized dystopian state and the characters as mortal avatars of a pantheon of siblings and lovers, refugee lights of Tengar, in a truce. Part 2 however flaunted the positives, negatives, and defiance of mortality; the Ars Elysia was wild as it was beautiful, SILAHA's monologue with Emhira was engrossing, and the episode excelled in showing the weight of knowing how many innocent, faithful and/or good people there were, paired with the horror of knowing how many lost faith in the Gods there also was, and the lengths both the devout and the undevout would go because of the Calamity's toll on them. And then Part 3 ramps up the tragedy to like 15: the dystopia dystopes again, the destruction destroys, and the disaster disasts, and we reach the boiling point of conflict for an episode that was a mammoth SIX AND A HALF HOURS! The visual of the gods slowly being forced to break from their mortal shells to keep fighting their creations, and each other, to different ends showed the physical and mental toll the mission had done to them, Ayden rapidly aging the more his divinity courses through him and Trist continually trying to hold onto mortality if but for a single second longer, and reaching a point of no return: a choice between sacrificing, at that point, one unknown god to potentially find a way to spare the rest of Aeor - as they had desired to do - or save their entrapped sibling - having already lost so many to Predathos and the Matron having replaced another - but doom all of its people by not stopping Selena's Wish, which she believed would be a victory rather than a damning of her city. Heartbreak after heartbreak, sacrifice after sacrifice, and betrayal after betrayal, but even in the dark and desperation there was still a faint measure of hope; a mother seeking to erase the scrolls to save not just her son but all families in her home, Primes seeking only to destroy a weapon and as the city falls offering acts of compassion where they could, and a Slingshot firing a Sending Stone across the sea like a shooting star so that a mother could protect her children one last time. It is the fact that the hope still existed that makes it a tragedy: it could have been prevented, but because of the way mortals are, and because of the way the gods are, it couldn't end that way. By Part 2 I was intrigued by the fact that the idea of the Divine Gate had started to take shape this early, the Calamity after all would last another century, but it was a greater surprise learning that by the end of Part 3 Aeor wasn't the start of the conversation but the conversation, the last straw. Everything leading up to the Divergence was the Primes attempting to corral their siblings - and the Chained Oblivion - so they could lock themselves away from their second home forever, for the sake what they had built, which was chronologically the final layer to the tragedy. The theme that will complete the trinity of tragedies would be the theme of sacrifice. The Emissary was Erathis' sacrificial lamb, how biblical it was that she sent her 'son' knowing that he would die because she was unable to defy her laws nor bear to watch her lover come to harm, just as biblical is how Pelor sent the best and most hopeful qualities of himself to try and help people, Asha sacrificed her mortal form to embrace Zaharzht even when he hooked and clawed her form away, SILAHA sacrificed saving Aeor like he wanted in order to save Ioun, and then all the Primes resolve to sacrifice their presence in order to protect what was left of what they made. The theme of sacrifice will be compared with the weight of whether it was worth it, but it's not something you can say was justified either way, Downfall doesn't feel like it should be about sides; it was always a Trolley Problem, it is a current fey-absorbing, war-criming, land-sundering elf mage who is trying to make it about sides.

On that note, we must wonder how Bells Hells feel about watching all this. I did like many others think about their reactions throughout; did Imogen think of her mother when watching Trist and Cassida? Did Orym relate to Asha given how stretched thin and pining for Erathis she was? Did Ashton perhaps relate to Trist a little having also felt broken and powerless, kept going by the support of their family? I know we joke about Braius probably having to be silenced for cheering and hollering for Asmodeus but did he really agree with all that? And will Fearne now worry about seeing Asmodeus' true nature, which she should (call them lawyers Dorian!), given how she has unwittingly (and I maintain that it was not said to be a pact, Fearne clearly didn't know it was one and Nanna Mori, who is versed in pacts, called it an 'invitation to trade') bound her soul to him for Dominox's dusty wikipedia page - which is more a redirect to a 2-line section in 'List of Demons Unaccounted for Since the Calamity' - that yielded less info than a Speak with the Dead spell with an Aeorian corpse did. Outside of individual thoughts, I wonder if the Hells collectively related to other events the Gods underwent; the loss and lack of a home, tension caused by one of them thinking they knew better, the constant attack of their sense of morality by others? Ayden's character may invoke an interesting pause - since the Dawnfather has been pretty cold and unkind to the Hells, mainly Team Trauma, and Deanna lately - I wonder if they acknowledge or soften towards this new light (pun not intended but welcomed)? I know he didn't show and wasn't gonna but I also wonder if the Hells kept looking to see if FCG was there, if only to get another glimpse of their fallen friend, or if any of them managed to spot FRIDA - who while we know is canonically present wasn't explicitly mentioned either.

I must admit though I'm in the camp of 'what does this achieve for Ludinus?' because Matt said in the Cooldown that there was parts that proved him right but honestly I don't see it. History knows that the Gods united to drop Aeor, but if anything the footage makes most of the Gods more sympathetic, even to the god-adverse Hells. Showing how they have been just as messed up, traumatized and conflicted as they are as they tried to limit the loss but in the end get put in a crossroads where they choose their family, without discarding or disavowing their creations because of it, isn't gonna endear them to Ludinus' already ill-thought plan. Honestly the only Prime Deity that seemed overly brutal was the Stormlord and like, why would you even try to use Control Weather in a storm made by a Weather God? In interviews Taliesin has mentioned that Ashton has conflicted thoughts on the humanizing of the Gods, though again I don't think it's in the way Ludinus expects - I anticipate that it's more of an 'it was easier to hate them when they were all-powerful, all-arrogant entities that ignored our prayers' kinda thing, having sympathy for someone they had grown accustomed to disliking - so I wonder if other members of the Hells have conflicted feelings and whether it smooths over their aversion or whether their resolve remains the same. I'm not saying they will, but imagine if the Hells decide to be more open to allying more with some of the gods because of this? Seeking the temple in Aeor to converse with them and get on the same page. They all seem pretty respectful towards the Matron already, but perhaps some focus on Corellon - if only to see if he rebuilt the Ars Elysia elsewhere for a post-Ruidus rager XD - and Ioun would be an interesting route; the Knowing Mistress would have answers for those seeking history and information, and the Arch Heart could have answers in curious and divine magics. In addition, imagine if the Everlight gains more followers through the Hells? She helped revive Laudna through Pike so the Hells shouldn't really have any negative feelings towards her, honestly I just think she deserves more followers after seeing all of this. Plus if they could get some of that Divine Prowess (Vitality and Potency at the least) for the final fight we could be in for some blockbuster and creative damage feats! Again, I don't see it as likely, but it's a thought. We could also entertain learning more about the non-god characters that survived; did the blood of the Everchildren continue to this day - there are theories they're tied to the Clay family? What did Selena do post-Aeor? Is Cassida's body still in a protective shield? These are questions fans would want answered that isn't 'was the silver dragon's name Bolo?'.

One has to wonder too if this presentation framed as validation for the atrocities he's committed just shows how divorced from reality Deludinus is. Was the point that 'they're family so they'll choose to save each other over entire cities'? Because many mortals would do the same in their position, the Hells themselves have inferred at times that they would prioritize each other over everyone else. You know what's not a way to avoid that dilemma? Unleashing a god-eating entity the gods even at the height of their power are afraid of! Because of this, Ludinus is painted as someone blind to the fact that it's his machinations that are trying to push the world into an even worse and bloodier Calamity than what he endured as a child, with him weakening the measures put in place to avoid such a thing rather than preventing it. Also he is almost like the Primes in that the people he's allied with secretly seek to remove him from the equation, though I think he's just arrogant enough to believe he can handle them. On the topic of whether Ludinus is Hallis Previn - spared by the Matron after having been healed by the Everlight - I'm not sure, it is possible but I don't think he needs to be Hallis, in fact it would probably be more interesting if he wasn't - since you'd have to jump through a fair amount of hoops to even begin explaining his motives and mindset.

But now we have to ask a question: what do we do now? The mission was to take down Ludinus, and we could still achieve that given how it's 10v1; but Orym isn't in the best of shape health-wise, the Toothy Maw and Dominox fights did cause a lot of the group's slots to be used up and Ludinus only really used 2 spells (Gate and Counterspell) since being encountered, deluded he may be but weak he is not. Laudna's haunting will permanently track him anyway and if he shows this to the world it'll likely emit similar results we and the Hells are having; some faiths may be shaken sure but others may be more supportive of the Gods. Right now there's no real reason not to show this footage. I suppose we could kill him and show the footage anyway - I mean it doesn't need to be shown by him explicitly - before handing it to Vassalheim or the Cobalt Soul's archive, honestly I would live for it if the first thing Bells Hells did after seeing the footage was Orym or Ashton just calmly walking up to Ludinus and decking him in the face, but the encounter in Aeor does feel designed for either Ludinus or the group to escape rather than fight to the death. Between the two, it would favour more for the Hells to stay; Aeor still feels barely scraped for them and Essek, who hasn't given Ashton any tangible answers about Dunamancy that he couldn't have gotten from a book yet - plus wild magic is rife within Aeor heck a beacon could be here, won't have much reason to stick with the Hells if they leave. If they don't use Essek's 'emergency escape' measure he's hinted at there could be something devised to let the group linger here a bit more such as finding the temple, the Ars Elysia, or another special room simply to explore more of Aeor - freeing the Stasis bubbles may not be the smartest or merciful option right now, given that all wizards within know how to make the Factorum. In terms of Ludinus, it'd be good to kill him now from a mission standpoint because he's the head honcho and the Hells need a big, convincing W to kinda make up for Otohan (which was more Matt's fault for rolling so high), but if we eliminate too many Exandrian enemies like Ludinus, providing that Liliana won't 180 again with him gone...which is a possibility, the endgame battle can risk turning into a more ugly Exandria vs Ruidus conflict rather than Life vs Predathos. So perhaps Ludinus should simply escape this time and we'll save the next major enemy to kill for Zathuda or one of the Five Imperium leaders.

Overall, and this won't be the last time we'll have to say it because some people have short memories and impulsive reactions, this is a prime example towards why we need to let CR cook. Yes, C3 has been scattered a bit, but this plot is a worldwide threat, which means you must show that it affects the whole world: this is a convergence of storylines from all 3 campaigns AND spinoffs, everything has its place and while we can be irked about the timing of things what we get is still pretty awesome. Just like the CK intermission, Downfall was an incredibly intricate and well-performed piece of narrative important to the main plot which honestly, as much as I still miss the Hells, could've gone an episode longer. Where we go next becomes further interesting because we have a greater grasp on the lore and characters of the gods, and it opens the door for more lore - such as what Corellon's strand of hair he left behind is - and context to be discovered in later episodes in this and/or later campaigns.

[love-kurdt]

Swooping, Sloping, Cursive Letters: 20

word count: 1066

PLEASE READ THIS IS ME TRYING FIRST, AS THIS STORY RELIES HEAVILY UPON THE CONTEXT OF TIMT

April 22, 1989

Dear Will,

Prom is tonight. And I’m not going. It’s fine. I’m fine. I made up my mind a whole month ago and have been able to withstand the borderline harassment of our friends telling me that I’m gonna regret this decision for the rest of my life and would be better off just going without a date because it doesn’t matter if I have a date or not and it’s the experience that counts and Lucas said you’re going to be there so I should go too and fuck I regret this so much.

What time is it…? Why I’m writing down the question instead of just checking my fucking watch, I don’t know. It’s 5:30pm, prom starts at 6, and you probably haven’t left your house yet. And why I’m writing about my suit being presentable enough instead of just going to my closet to check is so fucking counterproductive and

—

It was like a movie, the way I bolted out of the house in my dress slacks and suit jacket with half-tied converse, the laces billowing behind me in the wind as I biked through the neighborhood as fast as I could to your house. I should’ve just taken my car, but of course I had to bring all of my own rom-com fantasies to life. You know, like the Big Chase scene where the guy runs through the airport, praying that it isn’t too late to confess his love to the girl that nearly got away. But alas, I am no athlete, so this unfortunately came with the consequence of looking like a sweaty rat by the time I reached your driveway. Thankfully, you and El were still there, taking photos with Jonathan on the front steps. I haphazardly thrust my bike onto the curb and sprinted up to you as fast as my legs could carry me.

“Will!” I shouted, suddenly conscious of how I hadn’t prepared anything to say to you. My actions always have spoken louder than my words, which is concerning, considering the fact that I’m planning to become a writer once we’re out of high school. So I ran across your front lawn, and I stopped in my tracks when I noticed the surprised looks on Jonathan and El’s faces, the worried look on your own, and the confused expressions on Joyce and Hop’s.

“Hey, Mike,” Jonathan’s eyebrows furrowed together as I gasped for air.

“Hey, Jon,” I replied, leaning forward until my palms rested on my knees as I panted. I acknowledged everyone else, and then looked back up at you, standing back up and running my hand through my hair. The sweat clung to my hand, which I wiped on my slacks with a grimace. “Hey,” I said, “Yeah, so, uh– Will. Dude. Buddy. Do you want to go to the prom with me?”

There was a beat of silence that followed, and I felt the urge to cut my own tongue out. Before I could actually act on my impulse, you walked down the stairs and took a few more steps in my direction. “I thought you weren’t going,” you said, crossing your arms against your chest. I shook my head, shoving my hands in my pockets.

“I changed my mind. Lucas told me–” I began, but trailed off before I gave myself away. You could never know about how Lucas convinced me to go to prom on the sole basis of your attendance. That would’ve been so humiliating.

“He told you what?” you prompted me to continue, taking another step forward so we were less than a foot apart.

“Just that everyone else was going, and that I was a weirdo for not wanting to go as well.”

“He’s not wrong,” you smirked up at me, and I lightly smacked your shoulder, feigning offense. “But, like,” you went on, “now that you’re actually coming to prom with us, doesn’t that mean you’re going with me already?”

Against my better judgment, I reached out and adjusted your shirt collar against the lapels of your suit. You looked up at me in mild shock, but hey, at least I didn’t kiss you. “I mean, I was asking if you wanted to go to prom with me as my date.”

Your face turned a beautiful shade of pink, and you stammered out, “I–I’m not sure if we’d be allowed to do that.”

“Come on,” I pleaded, “We’d be going as friends, they can’t kick us out for that.”

Another moment of silence bloomed between us like the yellow flower in your jacket pocket. You picked at your nails in contemplation. “Fine,” you relented with a smirk, “I guess I could go as your prom date… buddy.”

“I just know you’re never gonna let me live that down,” I whined, and you just laughed.

“Damn straight,” you agreed, and I refrained from making a gay joke on account of, oh I don’t know, outing myself. You put my bike in your garage while I was caught up on the plan for transportation, which was Lucas’ parents’ minivan, which would be there in a few minutes to pick us up. Needless to say, everyone was shocked when I climbed into the van.

Prom was pretty lame, and we all ended up leaving early and going back to your house, but I honestly don’t give a single flying fuck, because we actually got to dance together. I repeat: we actually got to dance together. The music had slowed down, everyone was finding their respective dates, and I was just about to leave the dance floor for my impending Closet Pity Party™ when you grabbed my wrist, pulling me closer to you and placing your hands on my hips. “What’s the point of prom if you don’t have at least one slow dance?” you asked, and I tried my best to appear as nonchalant as possible by shrugging. Meanwhile, I was, like, one second away from dying of happiness. It was dark enough that I got away with putting my hands on your shoulders, and you became a bit more confident with the way your hands gripped my waist as we swayed back and forth to the music. I’m grinning so hard while writing this. I think this has been the best night of my life by far. I hope this feeling lasts forever.

Love,

Mike

-

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[lurkingteapot]

Hi, how would a non-binary person (me) get around the binary gender rules and vocab in Thai?

Thank on you for your amazing resources!

Hi there!

This is a question I feel like native speakers of Thai should be much more qualified to answer 😅 @recentadultburnout ? @jinitak ? Any takers?

For what it's worth, though: I also consider myself outside the gender binary, and am uncomfortable with some forms of gendered address in languages I'm fluent in, and as such have looked into it a bit. I'm barely conversational, so the things I list here have been sourced from conversations with queer and non-binary Thai acquaintances and a couple of language teachers plus my own observations, which may very well be faulty … so under the cut it goes.

First off: Thai isn't nearly as clearly binarily gendered as many beginner resources indicate. Beginner resources will say, oh, men™ say ผม (/pʰǒm/) and women™ say ฉัน (/tɕʰǎn/), but (as you may have already observed while watching shows or interviews) in reality people (queer or straight, cis or trans) will use several different pronouns for themselves and others depending on who they're talking to, and in what context—perception of gender is only one part of that. Your age, the tone of voice and level of politeness/formality you're affecting, the situation you're in at that moment, all those things affect how you talk about yourself to others, and how others talk about and to you. It's not as cut and dry as English "these are my pronouns" -- partially also because you'd kind of need to go out of your way to gender the person you're talking about in Thai.

One example: people of all genders can and do use ฉัน (/tɕʰǎn/), though I gather it's less commonly used by men these days. Contrary to what most classes will teach, men or people who are read as male may (and do!) use ค่ะ (/kʰâʔ/; often drawn out to ค่าาา (/kʰâː/ with a very drawn-out aaa)) and จ๊ะ (/tɕáʔ/) in affectionate/familiar conversation, and it's not unheard of for men to refer to themselves by their given name, either -- something a lot of teachers will say are "feminine" speech patterns. For women or people who're read as female to use particles such as ครับ (/kʰráp/) or pronouns such as ผม (/pʰǒm/) seems to be less common, though not unheard of, especially when a woman is affecting a brash personality at that moment. All that is to say … for those of us who fall somewhere in between (or outside the binary altogether), there's quite a bit of wiggle room.

Golf Tanwarin (former MP and the director of GMMTV show The Eclipse) uses different particles depending on context – I've watched interviews where they use ครับ (/kʰráp/) exclusively, others where they use both ครับ (/kʰráp/) and ค่ะ (/kʰâʔ/), and in the live spaces they opened when the Eclipse was airing, to my recollection they used ค่ะ (/kʰâʔ/) and จ๊ะ (/tɕáʔ/) pretty much exclusively. Some non-binary Thais use non-standard polite particles -- Silvy Pavida (The Warp Effect, Laws of Attraction) uses งัฟ (/ŋáp/) on their IG posts, for one example.

My personal approach (which, again! may or may not work for you) is that I go with what people expect from my appearance, and switch to other options only once I'd've got to know my conversation partner better. My reasoning for this is that as a language learner, trying to deviate from the expected language use will likely be perceived not as me trying to express my identity, but simply as me being bad at the language -- I feel like I need to attain and display a level of skill with the language that makes clear the uncommon way I use it is intentional, first. This might not be your approach! but it's worked for me so far.

What I'm doing in the meantime: I try to watch content by people who … idk, match the sort of presentation I aspire to, or who I feel kinship with? and try to emulate what they do (keeping in mind that most online content is rather informal); sometimes, when I'm comfortable enough, I will just try things out when I have the chance (though this can have embarrassing results).

tl;dr there's no way around it, but there are several ways to manage it, and you'll find out best by playing around and finding what works for you, personally :)

(also: I'm glad you found the 'learning Thai' link dump helpful <3)

[yuurivoice]

has it ever happened that there was lore/plot in an already-posted video that as you're writing you thought of something better than it and wished you could go back and change it?

Not particularly, no. I learned fairly early on if you're busy overanalyzing work you've already done, you're not focusing on the work you need to be doing.

Obviously, if I had known that my narrative work would be successful, I probably would have tried and planned further ahead rather than piecing together things as I go. But that's not how shit works.

The only thing that I've ever considered remotely altering is BitterSweet Chapter one in an upcoming Director's cut with more artwork to reflect the quality of what we've done with chapters 2 & 3, which would simply be to add a little scene to the start of the series that adds some context to Al and Boo's relationship for those who haven't watched all of the pre-BS content. Because it wasn't intended to be a whole series at the start, so it could really use a little extra something to get new viewers on board.

Other than that? No. What am I gonna do, beat myself up? Feel bad about work that has clearly found an audience and led to growth, success, and joy? There are a million things that could have been better, but it was what I accomplished back then. Now I look to accomplish greater things in the future.

That's my mentality.

There is no "thought of something better" because frankly, if you're good enough to come up with something better than you did before, you damn sure better be good enough to take what you wrote the first time and make it work well.

No idea is good enough to make you feel shamed or regretful about what you already created. You gotta shed that ego and respect yourself more than that. I wrote what I wrote in the past and I know what challenges I faced back then.

That mentally ill mother fucker fought his ass off to get that shit done. I won't spit in his face. I'll pick up a hammer and build on that foundation, and honor what we birthed by nurturing it and watch it evolve into something even greater. Or it'll suck!

That's just how making art works. 😂

[liskantope]

A few raw and completely disorganized semi-stream-of-consciousness thoughts on Pride events as Pride Month kicks off.

I've never identified as LGBTQAetc. although with each passing year I feel that the umbrella widens enough and the definitions loosen enough that I could quite arguably (by someone's criterion maybe) be considered to be one or more of the things making up the acronym. It's only over the past year or two that I've become properly conscious of the distinction between queer culture and, say, gay culture. I feel like queer culture would be much more welcoming of me in particular (and is more welcoming in general) than exclusively gay groups (for lack of a better contrasting term; I'm tired) would be (in fact I've gotten along great with people in the queer social circles I've crossed paths with), while at the same time, I somehow feel less comfortable with today's queer culture and feel more of an attraction to, say, my impression of '80's-'90's gay culture.

There is a certain type of infectious joy and excitement at the Pride events I've been exposed to. Even in the city I'm currently living in, which contains more open queerness than anywhere else I've lived, and is safer than most places for anyone to walk around in public openly "being who they are", I feel a sort of second-hand exhilaration at seeing them feel free to crank that up to a ten while they're all together in the same place. There's a part of me that feels envious and wants to be able to somehow join it, but another part of me that can't imagine that I could ever belong, even if the umbrella of definition of queer culture were to expand to include almost everyone.

I notice I have a hard time striking up a conversation with a stranger at a Pride event unless they, like me, are presenting in a way that's not visibly queer. I don't have trouble approaching queer-presenting people in a general context, but somehow in this context, I feel self-conscious, like by my more traditional presentation I'm already exposing myself as a possibly intrusive outsider. Or maybe it's more like I feel like the guy who shows up under-dressed or dressed inappropriately at a particular party and who for that reason doesn't want to call attention to himself.

There is something uniquely exciting and inspiring to me about watching a solo drag performer (which I've only seen in my small experience at Pride events or in gay clubs), relative to my experience with other types of performing arts. I think it has something to do with the fact that even without the drag aspect, I would be completely terrified of, and have absolutely no instinct for, getting on stage alone and singing or dancing in that particular kind of self-confident way. To me, it's like seeing a daunting musical performance or an unbelievable feat of acrobatics, that same kind of wow factor, even if drag performers make their jobs look easier.

[uhgood-girl]

i haven't had a chance to fully form this thought yet so bear with me while i explore my own brain but my immediate response to this is i think two things can be true at the same time.

this is me playing devil's advocate with both you and myself, tbh. if you do not enjoy borderline pedantic over thinking, i recommend you turn back now.

i watched the entirety of standing next to you with my jaw on the floor. beyond seeing jk in what i would consider to be the epitome of his element, the arrival of all that experience and hard work and raw talent finely honed, culminating in the absolute pop perfection that is both that song and performance... well, i've made a joke on here before about my brains inability at this stage to not insert jikook into things. i could maybe help it if i wanted to (i can stop at anytime, says the alcoholic 🥴) but i don't want to because i'm having fun and i've made friends with the brain worms. they're my brain worms, who are you take them from me.

i have also mentioned jikook being it's own form of pattern recognition drug for mine, obviously, and probably other's more neuro-spicy tendencies. once you have seen and unlocked the code, it's really hard to turn the goggles off.

so let's talk about patterns. what is a pattern? a pattern is lmao no, i'm kidding, i don't think i need to define this for you but i guess when i say pattern here i'm referring to what a lot of people often call coincidences. (have i lost you already bc of this word? i know people throw it around often here, but again, bear with me) coincidences can become patterns if they repeat enough. how many coincidences does it take to form a pattern? three, i believe, is the universally accepted number but that feels so small when i type it out, much less think about it, tbh. but i suppose in the discourse of coincidences, something that reoccurs without apparent connection, (traveling strangers who keep ending up in the same cities together, you and your friend always texting each other at the exact same time, two people in a band who keep mysteriously referencing things that connect them in a particular sort of light) bc of the unlikelieness of their serendipitous nature, it makes more sense. and because i want to discuss this in a more tangible form and i believe humans to be meddling by nature, i think coincidences become patterns, beyond the number three, when intent enters the equation.

was that a very long way to say that despite the fact that jk didn't write any of the lyrics himself and is quoted in the article above as telling people to not take things too literally that i'm still going to intuit some autobiographical meaning from them? well, yes. i guess so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

because ✨context✨(glass closet and comp het in particular). a context that i fully admit i am abscribing to the situation myself but if you're reading this i assume you're already in this boat with me, it's your context too, at least tangentially (GUILTY, your honor) by association. the entirety of any jikook argument has to exist in this space and to have gotten here at all required taking some liberties, a certain reading between the lines that is a tightrope of wanting to respect what someone says outloud and at face value while being aware few things are ever black and white (minus the infamous couple in question bah bum tiss 🥁).

if it feels different to you bc it's something he explicity expressed, that's totally fair. i've been back and forth about it a few times myself and maybe i'll feel differently tomorrow. but rn, this is where i'm at and this is all just spitballing at the end of the day, no?

in an attempt to not be accused of only picking and choosing the lyrics that suit my (gay) agenda, it feels worth pointing out that the lines i find applicable to jikook are not literal. as in while i fully believe jk could probably do anything he set his big, beautiful heart out to do, leaving someone's body golden like the sun and moon is unlikely. ( the jikook relevance is in it's choice, why that particular metaphor) and despite being more in the realm of possibility, i don't really believe he's fucking seven days a week either. his agreeance to the use of female pronouns in some songs and even the women in his music videos are a. the comp het standard for this worldwide pop boy takeover (inarguably) and b. don't automatically negate any potential underlying queerness of the artist himself. so when he sings she (is there even anything in the lyrics beyond the pronoun itself that could only refer to a cis woman? hell, does "she" only have to refer to a cis woman in this day and age? jimin is v in touch with his anima these days, don't kink shame :P) I'm taking that as an artistic liberty the same way I'm taking something like it's deeper than the rain. and the latter rain line only stands out to me because, again, broader context.

he didn't write any of the song lyrics but he was there for every step of the production and still approved what actually made it on to the album. he didn't write there for you, the song in gcf tokyo either but i dare you to go find a jikook argument about that video that doesn't list that song and its lyrics as evidence. he didn't write them but it's definitely something he cares about and is very aware of. i doubt anything was chosen without some degree of thought. which brings us full circle back to coincidences vs patterns and intent.

do i think the lyrics a lot of us collectively recognized as jikook coded, even if you respectfully don't want to read that far into it, were a coincidence this late in the game? ain't no way lmao. our jikook roads are paved with these sort of "coincidences." you think they weren't apart of the appeal? helped boost it right to main track status? maybe if it had just been the lyrics, without any of the imagery in the video (i would love to know how much creative direction he had here too, i hope we find out) to back it up, but between that not straight red line of fate, the black swan like wings, the dancing in front of the sun painting, the two households, both alike in dignity, in fair verona where we lay our scene aka the forbidden love vibes, etc. - it's too much for this sad little hyper-fixated romantic queer, personally lol.

so, i think two things can be true at the same time! i'm sure a lot of the songs and their implications have no autobiographical meaning to them beyond a universally relatable conversation and narrative about love, i do believe him. i think based on all the responses and feedback his first releases got, making a statement such as the one in the article was a good? pr move if nothing else too and definitely in line with what we have come to expect around an industry that bts is both sort of moving away from but still restricted by at this stage. if you've read any of my other ramblings so far on this site, you'll know i operate from a place of the more smoke screen around all this (this being a potential romantic relationship between jikook) the better, bc at the end of the day i want all of bts more than anything safe, happy, and free to pursue whatever creative fancy they can dream. them building a level of plausible deniability into this sort of stuff protects them. i will remain a broken record on that point.

but bc of the larger context of jikook as a whole and my belief that jk is both clever and also a romantic at heart, i'm going to take these crumbs and go. 🚗💨 i'm not in any sort of who can be the more superior, rational delulu competition, we're all in our own little clown cars no matter your chosen dressings until proven otherwise. that's the nature of this whole shebang, bby. 🤠👉👉

def feel free to come respectfully argue with me though, i'm never here to convince anyone but i enjoy these conversations and i love other people's perspective. are you ignoring the standing next to you jikook bait?

[megamattzx]

I technically found a way to write, #GoBul, #GoChi, and #VegeBul all existing simultaneously without the need for cheating or polyamory if I wanted to. It might not be something you expected or thought about.

I don't know what's even more terrifying. The fact that I'm willing to take creative liberties or that some of the creative liberties I've taken have given me ways to implement certain ships without being detrimental to the canon ships.....

For context, because of an idea I've already had, I can technically write a GoBul story that still features GoChi and VegeBul, if I wanted to. An alternate universe Canon divergence is all I would require to do so. Something I've already done.

And it's the same reason why I can implement GoChi and a Goku x OC ship, as well as a vegebul and Bulma x OC ship, for the same reasons I just mentioned. An au will be all that would be required for it. And it's actually quite scary how I can pull it off.

It's scary to imagine the fact that I can make all three of these ships applicable to a story without needing polyamory or infidelity in any way, and also have VegeBul and GoChi involved in the GoBul story. I've literally done this to myself.

By reimagining three characters, for my stories with an original take of these characters, I have technically given myself plenty of ideas that I could theoretically do. And it wouldn't even be very difficult to explain either. All it will require is an AU and Canon divergence.

And this would actually be because I reimagined three characters at the very least that actually are related to gochi or vegebul depending on which character it is. And it's actually characters from The 100-Year Time Skip that I reimagined.

And obviously, this wouldn't be the official versions, of all these characters because of the fact that I reimagined them completely and altered them to the point where they could actually be considered OCs, but I don't believe that's justification to call them OCs completely.

Because they're not, their reimaginings and original takes of pre-existing characters. These characters already exist and I reimagine them to fit a story because I wanted to do something that was kind of unique in that sense. And oh boy the things I can do with this fact.

And in case I haven't made them obvious enough, these characters are as follows, Goku Jr, Vegeta Jr, and Bulma Leigh. Now most of you can probably understand who Goku Jr and Vegeta Jr are if you've watched the Heroes Legacy or the ending of GT.

In the original appearance of these three characters, all three of them are the descendants of Goku and Vegeta respectively. Goku Jr is a descendant of Goku and Pan, to be more precise, the great-great-grandson of Pan. Going by the Japanese version.

Vegeta Jr and Bulma Leigh are also the descendants of Vegeta. But this is where the similarities between the official versions and my versions end. there are tons of other differences between the official versions and my versions.

In the official version of these three, Bulma Leigh is actually Vegeta Jr's mother, which I have made impossible in my version because Bulma is Vegeta Jr's mother. Vegeta Jr is also the Clone and adopted son of Vegeta due to Bulma. And essentially she was actually experimenting with cloning because of her curiosity and decided to test Saiyan DNA first. She also wanted to see if she could create a clone of Vegeta without accelerated aging, which she successfully did. No surprise there.

Vegeta Jr was actually born shortly before Goku Jr and Goten were born, I'll be going back to what I said about Goku Jr and Goten later. Vegeta and Bulma got together fully around this time as well and the two actually adopted Vegeta Jr and named him after his father.

Goku Jr and Goten were actually born at the same time, and if you have had the chance to get an explanation that I've already given, you would know that my version of Goku Jr was actually created through the Dragon Balls by Emperor Pilaf, who tried to wish for a clone of Goku. Unfortunately for Pilaf, because he didn't specify the physical age he wanted the Clone, or if simply because Shenron wanted despite the incompetent emperor, the Clone in question was magically created as an infant. Shortly afterwards Gohan actually investigated this.

You see Gohan felt the strong energy signature and thought it was his father brought back to life which confused him cuz he thought that Goku wanted to stay dead and at the time it was possible that Goku could not be brought back with Earth's Dragon Balls, at least at the time. He expected to find Goku and get an explanation out of him but to his chagrin and most likely not to his surprise, it wasn't his father but the little baby clone of him. Gohan actually took him away from the pilaf gang, refusing to leave a child in their care. This is mainly because he suspected that they would be planning something horrible for the child, and he wanted to give him a safe haven. This is when he brought him home and when his mother saw him, Chi-Chi just grabbed the boy along with Goten.

She not only knew that the boy had nowhere to go, but he also needed someone who would actually be able to take him in and love him unconditionally. And seeing the boy she fell in love in a heartbeat in a very platonic way. He has been part of the Son family ever since. So in this story, since they have the same birthday, they are the exact same age and they are born at the exact same time, even though they are not actually twins, they're actually referred to as the "twins". Goku Jr was named after his father.

Being given both his Earth name and his Saiyan name, not only to commemorate Chi-Chi's late husband but also to make it clear that this Young Saiyan child was going to be her son no matter what. Which is something that most people probably didn't expect me to write. People would probably wonder if Chi-Chi would be okay with Goku adopting a clone of himself as his son, but given her love for Goku and even their family, what I did actually made sense in my mind. And actually made more sense given the context of his origins.

You see, while Goku openly accepted him as his son in my story, Goku did not actually adopt my version of Goku Jr. Chi-Chi is the one who adopted him. She was the one who took him under her wings. She was the first of the two to see him as their son. So now we have two of the characters out of the way, discovering the differences between the official versions and these versions of the characters. Now we finally get to talk about Bulma Leigh. I've already made the official version of her impossible. With Vegeta Jr being the son of Vegeta and Bulma, and Goku Jr being the son of Goku and Chi-Chi, I need to find a way to implement Bulma Leigh without her being Vegeta Jr's mother. I've already given that to Bulma. So I did a similar thing that I did with Vegeta Jr with her.

My version of Bulma Leigh, unlike her canonical counterpart instead of being a descendant of Bulma and Vegeta, is a clone of Bulma and the adopted daughter of her and Vegeta. I knew I couldn't make her Vegeta Jr's mother due to what I'd already established for him. So I decided to make her Vegeta Jr's younger sister instead. So now I have three reimagined characters fully usable to implement new original stuff. Reimagined to the point where they could be considered OCs but they are still technically canons because a version of them exists.

Now I know I went on a whole tangent on what I've done, and you're probably thinking this has nothing to do with what I was talking about initially, but it actually does. I assure you. Implementing these three ships without the need for NTR or polyamory. You're probably wondering why this massively long explanation, if you haven't figured it out yet, explains how I can implement the GoBul ship, alongside VegeBul and GoChi, without the need for infidelity or polyamory, all simultaneously, without secrets or conflict. And the answer is quite simple.

I technically have a way to implement an original ship that is technically GoBul. And this explanation I gave is actually how I'm able to do it. Because instead of the Goku we all know and love being with the Bulma we all know and love, it's a different ship, all together. The GoBul that I could implement without it being detrimental to GoChi or VegeBul, would only require two characters that have the same name as Goku and Bulma. It doesn't even need to be the versions that we all know. Two different characters with their names.

It would technically be an original ship but still technically be GoBul at the same time. And it's with my version of Goku Jr and Bulma Leigh. GoChi's adopted son with VegeBul's adopted daughter. And it also helps that in my story, there's only a two-year difference at worst. In most stories that I depict Goku Jr, he is in his mid-twenties. 24 years old to be exact. Bulma Leigh is only 2 years younger than him in my story. I may even lessen that Gap and make her a year younger. But I think I've rambled on enough of what I've done. So she's usually 22 but I might change it to 23. I'm not sure if I'm going to actually go through with this in some of my stories, and fully commit to this, but it's something that I've realized that I could actually theoretically do with these versions and it would actually be interesting to see what I can pull with it.

[wispforever]

for the controversial naruto asks: 4, 11, and 13

4. Are the romantic undertones between Naruto and Sasuke intentional or accidental?

I've seen quite a lot of talk about this in the fandom already, done a little thinking myself. The answer to this question, of course, is that we'll never know unless Kishimoto comes out and says whether it was intentional or not. Even then, there's obviously more than a bit of motivation for him to say it wasn't intentional in order to protect himself and his interests from homophobic backlash. If he said it WAS intentional, I'd take him at his word for the very same reason. He'd have to be pretty brave to come out and let everybody know it was gay on purpose; no telling what could happen to him.

But I realize the question isn't about Kishimoto, it's about what I think personally. Personally? I'm torn. If you told me one way or another, I'd accept it either way. However, I do think the symbolism in Naruto, the thematic parallels, and illusions to romance, are a bit heavy-handed at times. I've wondered myself if it could even possibly BE an accident with the sheer amount of innuendo and subtext. Not just with Sasuke and Naruto either.

I suppose when someone who's not queer writes something in the name of platonic love, tries to send it home, tries to make it as sincere as possible, there will always be cases where love can be interpreted more than one way. I'm not someone who puts very strict labels on platonic and romantic love. I don't put one above the other. Devotion is something that exists in love in all of its forms. I can hold hands with my friends and my partner. I'd die for my mother and I'd die for a stranger. Emotional closeness, physical shows, sacrifice, etc. are not enough for me to say one way or another if someone is in romantic or platonic love with someone else. It's only enough to say that they are in love. They care for each other. They are important figures in each other's lives. For this reason, I don't think it's a very important question or one that can be answered by watching the show. Naruto and Sasuke are in love in whatever way you want them to be. I want them to be gay, so to me, the romance is real.

HOWEVER, given the context, Kishimoto I'm sure doesn't share my opinions on blurry love. Is it possible that by introducing the devotion, the sacrifice, the love that everyone in the show CONSISTENTLY treats as bizarre and out of pocket, he intended to create a subtext of romance which would not be accepted if it was written overtly? I would say it's possible, in fact, even probable. I won't examine it in detail, because I hesitate to say even acts like kissing are strictly indicative of romance, but that's just the kind of queer I am. But when you give your duel protags, which you've built an unbreakable bond between, wives who they don't want to be around and lives they hate, and their only reprieve is seeing each other? Well, I can see why the whole fucking fandom has to stop and think. Very curious.

11. Is Itachi a martyr, a victim, or a perpetrator?

I don't think Itachi's character can be broken down so easily. He's a lot of things. More thoughts here :)

13. Was Kakashi trying his best? Was he a "good" sensei?

Oh, this is a tough one for me, something I've thought about a lot. First, let's start by establishing what a "good" sensei is. In my opinion, I'd say a good sensei is someone who protects their students, plays to their strengths, offers encouragement and help when needed, and ultimately tries to make decisions in their students' best interest. Granted, I haven't watched the anime in some time, but I think, all things considered, Kakashi was a pretty good sensei. Definitely, I believe he tried to be better than Minato, and he at the very least succeeded in that.

There are times I was disappointed in Kakashi. When Naruto was grieving the loss of Sasuke or Jiraiya, feeling responsible, I believe he should have been there for him. However, it's also important to remember that Kakashi is a soldier- one of the strongest in the Leaf- he has responsibilities besides just his students, things that are expected of him to which he can't simply say no. This too is important to keep in mind if we're evaluating him on how good of a sensei he's been. It's up for debate, obviously, because the source material doesn't say where Kakashi is or what he's doing all the time, but I believe in the cases where Naruto, Sasuke, or Sakura needed him and he wasn't there, he would have liked to be and was unable. Given his conduct the rest of the time, I don't think that's a stretch (i.e. leaving vegetables for Naruto in his apartment, going after Sasuke even when he was assigned to a different mission, etc.)

I'd call him a good sensei, and if he wasn't, I'd still say he was trying his best. Always thinking back on Minato and his own squad, I think it was very important to Kakashi that he try to make up for what he saw as a failure to his last team, by protecting and teaching Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura. He was willing from the very beginning to die in Zabuza's water prison if it meant the kids would live instead of dying trying to break him out- and at the very end, he stayed with them through the Obito, Madara, and then Kaguya fight, when he had no reason to believe he would make it out alive or even be of any help. The lives of his students seem to be in the forefront of Kakashi's mind consistently throughout the series, which I find commendable in a universe where child soldiers are born every minute and their deaths are treated as an unnavigable necessity. It speaks volumes to Kakashi's character that he is even willing to turn his back on this ideology that's pushed by all his elders in the series. I'd say he and Gai do it best. They've had enough of the killing; I believe they make an effort to overcome the cycle that's been perpetuated, even if it's only their respective group of three kids each.

Yes, even though Kakashi has made his share of mistakes, I think he tries his best, and I believe he is the best sensei he can be with all his flaws and baggage lol

Thanks for the ask :)

[imsorryimlate]

I think it’s very easy to make parallels between Adam’s reasoning and incels, but stepping away from it a bit, I think there’s an obvious difference: while incels believe that they have been rejected by “the female population” which they claim to have a right to, Adam feels himself rejected by mankind as a whole. So why is he too demanding a female companion, specifically?

I think it is interesting because so far, the companions he has sought out haven’t been women as such. When he was seeking companionship with the De Lacey family, he wasn’t focused on Agatha or Safie in particular, no, he was focused on the family as a whole, I would almost argue that his focus was somewhat slanted towards Felix and Mr De Lacey. Likewise, his next attempt at companionship was to kidnap a boy child, William.

So again, how did he go from that to the conclusion that he wants a female companion?

After killing William, Adam sees Caroline’s picture and expresses his attraction towards her. Previously he has described people as beautiful, but iirc this is the first time he speaks of attraction. So it could be that he realises that he specifically wants a companion with whom he can have a sexual relationship, which is disturbing, since he doesn’t plan on giving his companion a choice of being with him; he already assumes that she will be, no matter her feelings.

But also, perhaps he always wanted a female companion, but until now he sought out potential companions that already exist and therefore there’s a limit to what he can expect them to be. Given the opportunity to have a companion made “from scratch”, he chooses to request a female companion.

In a way, it makes sense considering his education from Paradise Lost. Now, I haven’t read it at all, but from what I understand it’s something of a retelling of the biblical creation myth, and that one I am intimately familiar with (having both studied it closely in an academic context and translated it myself). So, when God created (the biblical) Adam, Adam tried to find a companion among the other creatures but was unsuccessful, as he wanted someone who was like him. Then God created Eve, the female companion of the male creation (I’m holding back from discussing gender in the creation myth further, because there is so much to say, but this is not the time or place). Adam (the creature) reading that would quite naturally assume that the companion created for him should be female, to “complement” his maleness.

But that made me think: how did Adam come to understand himself as male? He “grew up” completely isolated, so where would he have gotten the information? Even if he watched the De Lacey family closely and intimately enough to see a physical variation between Agatha/Safie and Felix/Mr De Lacey/himself, would he understand what that means?

Which makes me wonder if he wants a female companion specifically because of a true desire for “the female”, or simply because it is what he understands to be the natural complement to himself as male. Incels want a female companion because they see women as a subspecies which they have an inherent right to, but for all of Adam’s incel tendencies, I would say it’s rash to assume he holds the same views and values, especially considering how limited his education and life experiences are.

[thenwethrowitonthefire]

Fandom people you want to get to know better

Tagged by @harriet-bailes

3 Ships you like: Marith, Raeda, Catbirds (Laura/Shelley). (Bonus mention of Crowley/Aziraphale because I can't not mention them, but I think literally everyone already knew.)

First ship ever: believe it or not, but my having-identified-as-aroace-for-a-long-time-and-only-recently-realised-sapphic ass feels like they don't ship very much, I tend to just follow what I'm presented with and either like or dislike that, but I generally don't necessarily Will It one way or another. So going with the kind of definition of shipping where I myself wanted things in canon to go a certain way? Huntara/Perfuma. (I also love where canon ended up though!) The only other time I actively shipped was Laura/Shelley. (However if the definition of ship here is the first pairing I actively liked, the answer here would have been Neo/Trinity.)

Last song you heard: Benjamin Clementine - Ode From Joyce

Favourite childhood book: Tim de Merel. (The title means Tim the blackbird.) I've never been much of a reader and I don't think I necessarily grasped the full context of the book as a child, but it's basically a blackbird who leaves his nest/garden and has adventures all over the world. (I only recently realised the book is him writing letters to his parents about his adventures, even though the cover of the book is literally made to look like a postcard I feel like I missed that fact back then (I really was quite young when I read it). But it makes sense that that's why stories in the book were segmented the way they were. It worked perfectly for my audhd brain though.) I really liked the fact that the animals in the book were not made to be too human, they very much were still fully animal. I liked animals so much better than people (I didn't like people at all truth be told), which explains why it was one of the very few books I liked. (Another book I liked was about a really small human girl who had adventures in the animal world, I didn't necessarily like her, but I really liked the animals. It had great pictures, too.)

Currently reading: as I said, I don't really read. But a very nice book that's been laying next to my bed the last 2 years is Braiding Sweetgrass, which was a gift from a good friend. I've read a little bit of it, eventually I'll read more if it. I'm sure it's really good :) (Talking fanfic, I'm reading Seasons of Lilith - the story that follows after Answers For Mary. At the moment I'm also slow with reading fanfic though.)

Currently watching: nothing really, though I generally do tend to watch a lot of things. I'm a bit in-between things with so many shows having been cancelled. I just finished a rewatch of Sense8 though. I love it and it's extremely beautiful, but it's also rather more violence filled than where my current taste is at.

Currently consuming: warmth. (It's 9:30pm and I'm cold and tired. I had enough to eat with supper, so I'm enjoying some blankets now.)

Currently craving: peace, rest. Both personally and globally. (In daytime it'll be the same answer with the addition of candy, I've really been enjoying candy recently. I think my brain has been needing extra sugar.)

NO PRESSURE TAGS: @nobodyorlando @impromptugarrote @jyou-no-sonoko19 @tokyoterri2 @hydr0phius @confessions-of-ailu (< I still owe you a reply from my main blog - I'm so sorry it's taking me so long!)

Anyone else who wants to do this one, consider yourselves tagged by me! (Apologies if I tagged you and you've already done this.)

[beebobeebo]

Title: The Wantin'

Fandom: Justified

Pairing: Raylan x Tim (Givenson)

Characters: Raylan Givens & Tim Gutterson

Summary: Tim's had a loss. Raylan has a place to stay for a couple of hours. They both might just be okay.

Note: This was my birthday present to myself. Sometimes even I want to think it'll be alright.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"You're in Miami?” Raylan rubs his eyes and tries to tell what time it is.

“Yeah. For a few more hours,” Tim's voice echoes out of the phone.

“You've been in Miami,” Raylan says pointedly.

“Kinda. Brother’s funeral was yesterday. Some kind of spreadin’ his ashes at sea metaphor…thing.”

“You have a brother?”

Raylan sits up and brings his watch close enough to read that it's four o'clock in the morning. He's almost certain this is a fever dream.

“Had. From my father's first marriage. Raylan, I,” Tim can't quite bring himself to finish the sentence he starts. Raylan breathes out slowly through his nose and looks around for his pants.

“Yeah. Come over. You need the address?”

“Phone saved it.”

“Then come on.

Thirty minutes later when Tim is standing in his kitchen, Raylan can't help but give him a once over. The black-on-black suit doesn't make sense out of context. Tim had given up the proper attire ghost within his first year of joining the Marshal Service. He also wouldn't bother with something outside of the government-issued, Mormon missionary look. That was probably the boyfriend's doing. But it’s the silver strands darting through the younger man's hair and his pair of neat, round glasses that make Raylan feel ancient.

“You look good, considering,” Raylan offers along with a mug of black coffee with enough whisky added to make it palatable this early. 

“Didn't really know him. He was out of the house before I was born. He came to Mama's funeral, so it seemed like the thing to do.” Tim takes a drink and sets the mug on the counter. He leans back. “Only see you when people die now.”

“Yeah,” Raylan says before blowing across the top of his own mug. “You get to a certain age, an’ people start droppin’. Not an excuse, though.”

“No, but what are you gonna do?” The younger of the two men's shoulders move in a quick shrug.

“Well, I'd get the hell out of Kentucky, but you seem to have grown roots.”

Tim laughs. He legitimately laughs at that.

“I don't know if it’s grown roots or dug in out of spite. Where would I go? Sunny Miami? My nose is already burnt from a couple of hours on the beach.” Tim rubs at his nose in a way that makes him look twenty years younger and Raylan can't help but reach out and grab his wrist.

“You're as bad as Willa. That'll make it worse.”

Tim lowers his hand, but Raylan doesn't let go.

“How is she?

“Mean as a damn snake,” Raylan says fondly. “You'd like her. Every other word out of her mouth makes me grind my teeth.”

“Payin' for your raisin’?” Tim says with a soft smile.

“Somethin’ like that. How's Ja-”

Tim cuts him off. “That's over. I tried, but it never was right. We wanted different things.”

Raylan nods. “Sometimes it becomes more tryin' than wantin'. Sometimes you don't have to try.”

He is painfully aware of the hold he still has on Tim's wrist.

“Goddammit, being alone again is not what I dreamed it up to be. I thought it would be more quiet, easier, but-” 

Raylan has pulled the man close before he even realizes it. He sets his mug off to the side and wraps his arms fully around Tim. “You’re not alone. If you were alone, you wouldn't’ve had someone to call at four in the fuckin' mornin’.”

“This wasn't a good idea,” Tim whispers against Raylan's neck.

“Nah.”

An hour later, they're lying in Raylan's bed, foreheads pressed together like they're in some sappy movie aimed at teenage girls. Tim sighs. “If I'm gonna make it to the airport, I gotta go. I'm pushin' it as it is.”

“Tell Rachel you missed your flight. Stay a couple of days.”

Tim rolls over on his back. He lets out a slow breath. “Sometimes the wantin' is more than the tryin’.” He grabs his glasses and slips them back on. “We know how this ends, you won't come with me, and I ain't gonna stay.”

“We could have a few good days,” Raylan says as he places his hand flat against a long scar on Tim's side. “We could go out on the boat. You could see Willa. We can-”

“Pretend. We'd be pretending. I'm too damn old for that now. I want something that's always mine. Not just mine when shit hits the fan or someone dies.” Tim sits up and rubs at the dark mark blossoming on his shoulder. “I want this all the time, but that's not something you can give me. That isn't your fault. My therapist,” he pauses when Raylan raises an eyebrow. “It's called personal growth. Anyway, she says I put all my energy into grasping at straws because, for so long, I didn't think I'd have the chance to have anything at all. I was so worried about being fucked up that I didn't consider that I was making things worse.”

Raylan's jaw works hard. He wants to yell at Tim, but some part of him knows he's right. The impulse to yell is a clear indicator.

“I don't regret this.”

“Neither do I. You know I never will,” Tim sighs and looks down at his lap. “But-”

“But you have to do what's best for you,” Raylan finishes the sentence. “Willa's Lit professor.”

“Willa's Lit professor?” Tim looks justifiably confused.

“She gave me her number. I might call her.”

“You gonna tell her you only read the same crime novels over and over again?” Tim asks with a smile so easy it belongs to someone Raylan only half knows.

“My knowledge is deep, not broad.”

“That's an understatement.”

By the time Tim is dressed and hurrying out to his rental car, Raylan has slunk out to lean against the door frame and wave goodbye with a mug of reheated coffee in hand. He wants to call him back. He wants to lie and say he'll think about Kentucky, but they both know he won't and Tim deserves better than that. Raylan takes a drink as he gives Tim a final wave.

"Sometimes the wantin' is more than the tryin',” he mutters to himself as he takes a drink and laughs. “Fuck me runnin'.”

He smiles at the mug in hand.

“Bye, Tim.”

[polyglamory]

No one told me that you need to watch your plurals when you create a polycule.

My polycule had planned to buy tickets for an event and there was a crazy miscommunication. Allow me to set the stage.

I live with my nesting partner, let's call them A. I see them almost daily.

I have a close distance partner called C. I see them weekly.

I have a somewhat long distance partner called M. I see them monthly.

M's nesting partner is P.

We all consider the core "polycule" to be myself, C and M as we do the most activities together with A and P (and others) tagging along for specific activities or if they feel like it.

Initially I planned to buy all four tickets (A was busy and wasn't going to attend). I was stopped because P gets a military discount. I had assumed that with the discount P could buy both the tickets for that household (therefore purchasing M's ticket with discount). This was incorrect, the discount only applied to P's ticket and therefore only purchased one for themselves under the assumption I would get the rest.

So I messages back saying "okay, I'll buy ours now too" which I had said in reference to myself and C, who I was sitting next to at the time.

Weeks later we are a few days before the event and M asks if I have their ticket. I said no. There was a kerfuffle of panic because the even was sold out already, but we were able to find another ticket for M to attend and it was a blast.

In retrospect I realized that the use of "us", "we", and "you" (plural) and "you" (singular) are all very confusing. We've agreed to use more specific names next time to avoid the stress of that happening again.

It's just difficult since outside of a polycule, those terms are generally descriptive enough with context that folks know who you are talking about. When married mono couples say "we would like to go" or "our tickets" it's generally safe to assume they mean themselves.

Would love to know if other polycule encounter this and if you have unique solutions!

[saturn-sends-hugs]

For the bad batch ask!!!

17, 24, 34, and/or 48

Feel free to answer only the ones you want to <3<3

oh bestie i am answering ALL OF THEM

17. What are some headcanons you have about Tech?

oooo ok i found a couple in my notes app:

When watching a movie, Tech can get bored pretty quickly and usually ends up finding the space wikipedia page on it and listing off random facts about its production as they watch. Him and Echo often get into debates about how the SFX was done.

Less of a headcanon and more of a “what if”, but if Anakin ever piloted the Marauder, Tech would reluctantly agree that objectively Anakin is a pretty good pilot, but he’d grumble the whole time about him “messing up his systems.”

Tech has tried time and time again to convince Echo to let him weaponize his cybernetics. The strategic benefit of hidden weaponry would give them a backup plan in the event that they were ever without their blasters, and Wrecker of course just wants to see it happen. Echo, however, remains adamant that no, he would prefer not to sleep with a functioning rocket launcher in his scomp arm, thank you very much.

Tech cannot tell directions. He constantly has maps pulled up on his HUD, so he never gets lost, and no one ever questions it. But if he’s ever without his helmet or something? Oh. Oh buddy, he is lost in two seconds. You spin him around once and he has no idea what direction he just came from. Crosshair is more than happy to tease him about it.

Tech cannot dance. While he knows how to dance in that he’s seen tutorials and memorized the motions, he’s just so incredibly stiff that it’s actually abysmal. (It takes Phee a long, long time before she manages to get him to loosen up lol)

aaaaaand that’s probably enough :D

24. Do you have any hot or controversial takes?

oh absolutely and about 70% of them are just my opinions on Hunter.

Fandom thinks he has a ten step skincare routine, tons of hair products, and spends forever getting ready? NOPE. The man uses 5-in-1 shampoo and washes his face with hand soap. He has no clue what the word “exfoliating” means. He dresses like a fisherman grandpa and thinks sunscreen is for fancy people.

Also, the fisherman thing is like my whole concept of Hunter lol. He sends this to Omega no context one day thinking it’s the funniest thing in the world (he is correct)

not really a hot take, but honestly you already said everything about the whole Fandom Drama™️ stuff so this is what I’ve got lol

34. Which Batcher would you like to kick in the shins?

Crosshair. Obviously. (also Echo for being incapable of self care but i feel like it would be hypocritical to get upset about the ways i’m actively choosing to write him bskhkdndndkd)

48. What’s something you wish you could say/tell to each Batcher?

Tech: don’t hold your datapad so close to your face, you’re gonna get a headache. also where have you been girlie i missed you in the last episodes for some reason, you should really hurry up and get back from the podraces!

Crosshair: go suck an egg. btw have you considered piercings because i gotta say i’m imagining you with a septum and some platform boots and it’s incredible.

Wrecker: HELLO SIR HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A SLUSHY BECAUSE IM ABOUT TO CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE WORLD

Hunter: uh. hi.

Omega: you’re doing amazing sweetie and ur brothers won’t say it but they’re so proud of u mwah

Echo: (regarding slow down) SIT THE FUCK DOWN RIGHT NOW MISTER I SWEAR TO GOD. WTH ARE YOU DOING. WHO IS LETTING YOU CONTINUE TO BE THIS STUPID HOLY SH— (me. it’s me. i’m doing this to myself.) also stop ignoring rex u wet noodle.

[autumnsup]

An Autograph's Tale

Or How My Obsession with Ewan McGregor Evolved and then Resolved Itself

(Be warned, this is not a short post. It does however contain a photo of possible interest toward the end).

The first thing you should know is that I am not really an autograph person. I’ve encountered a fair amount of people who might be considered celebrities, mostly after theater performances and at art events, but I can count on one hand the number of people whose autograph I actually sought. The main one being, of course, Ewan McGregor’s.

I’m pretty sure I can pinpoint the moment my obsession began. It was my first year of high school, and while I’d been crushing on boys left and right, I’d never had an honest-to-goodness movie star crush. That changed after I saw Moulin Rouge! in the theater, with one of my best friends. She managed to score a promotional poster for me afterward, and throughout the rest of high school and into college, I would keep the poster of Ewan pinned to my bedroom door.

My feelings about him were a bit complicated. I didn’t have sexual feelings, exactly, because he was older than me and shared a birthday with a relative. I would dream about him occasionally, but the context was usually theater, or performance, and not anything that might be interpreted as “real life.” I would kiss the poster occasionally, more out of curiosity than lust, and I listened to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack CD on repeat while I was studying, memorizing all of the lyrics and teaching them to my other friend who was equally obsessed with the music. I didn’t think Ewan had the greatest voice, but he was so earnest, so joyful, and so broken-hearted and raw by the end, that I couldn’t help but empathize with him and his character’s plight.

I suppose this primed me for the next level of obsession, which was triggered by the discovery of Velvet Goldmine. A relative had told me about the movie, and since I knew I already liked Ewan, I gave it a watch, and immediately felt a sense of Oh, these are my people. Just how much I identified with some of them, I wouldn’t realize for a while yet. I also didn’t realize right away that the movie and its characters were only loosely based on what had actually happened during the glam rock era, and I would assume that Brian Slade was in fact meant to be an accurate representation of David Bowie for an embarrassingly long time. I also didn’t realize how much of a patchwork quilt the soundtrack was, although I would love it to death and memorize many of the lyrics like I did with Moulin Rouge before (which was even more of a patchwork job, ironically enough).

In the meantime, Ewan’s career began to take off with the continued Star Wars franchise, which I had been watching since I was a middle-schooler. I wasn’t a huge fan of the movies, but once I’d started to obsess over Ewan, I watched them with renewed interest, until the day I happened to be in New York City during the one of the premieres. I can’t remember which one it was (maybe the third movie?) or which theater the premiere was being held at (Google? I don’t know it). But what I do remember was the incredible flood of excitement and adrenaline I felt at the thought that my chance to see Ewan in person and get his autograph was at hand.

It wasn’t the first time I’d tried. At some point (again, I’m very spotty on the timeline), I’d drawn a small portrait of Ewan and mailed it to a US address I’d found somewhere on the internet, asking for his autograph on a photo I’d torn from a magazine. I never heard back from his agent, and had contented myself with watching and collecting his earlier movies and various memorabilia like the Velvet Goldmine script. Which was why the thought of actually getting to meet him in person came as such a thrill when it seemed like a possibility.

Because I was a teenager with very little money saved up, there was no way in hell I could buy a ticket to attend the premiere, so I made it my mission to show up outside the theater as early as possible. The weather was overcast but not miserable, and I had fun watching all sorts of cosplaying fans arrive while the event staff set up the red carpet and barriers on the street side to keep passersby at bay. They didn’t block off the other side of the red carpet though, which I thought was rather strange, but I parked myself there so I could be among the first row of people to see the actors entering the theater.

Finally, the procession began, up a red carpet now surrounded by a sea of people and Storm Troopers. The first actor I recognized was Liam Neeson, dressed in a white suit. I was a fan of his too, after having seen Love Actually, and when he came our way to sign a few autographs, I almost died.

I didn’t ask him for one, preferring to let others take the lead while I furiously snapped photos with my camera, most of which turned out terribly once I'd finally developed them (yes, this was before digital cameras and cell phones with lenses were a widespread thing). From a distance, I could see Samuel L. Jackson strolling down the red carpet, plus a few other younger actors who followed Liam’s lead in approaching fans to offer autographs, but alas, no Ewan.

I would find out later that he’d attended an overseas premiere instead, which was disappointing but made sense, given that he was from Scotland and his wife was French and they had young children. To assuage the disappointment, I went to the Museum of Television & Radio and binge-watched Lipstick On Your Collar, which was very hard to find at the time. And that was that, I thought.

Sophomore year of college, I made the impromptu decision to study abroad in France. There were many reasons behind the decision, one of them being a crush I’d developed on a female classmate who was also studying abroad that year, but that’s neither here nor there. What ended up happening was that while I was living with a host family in France, I took it upon myself to write to Ewan again, this time through his agent’s office in London.

I kept it simple this time – no hand-drawn portraits, no glitter stickers, no magazine pages or anything besides a single sheet of paper and a heartfelt message, and of course a self-stamped self-addressed envelope. I wrote it, partially in French to acknowledge his wife and daughters, sent it, and forgot about it for most of the school year.

Until the day that my envelope returned in the post, and inside, much to my surprise and delight, was this:

It was a simple gesture, and while it didn’t come with the thrills and prestige I’d hoped to experience a few years earlier, it warmed my heart. Ewan is no longer my main man, so to speak, but I will always remember that breathless moment in France with a smile. 🤩

(Tagging some fellow VG fans here, but if anyone else has a celebrity autograph or crush story to tell, I'd love to hear it!)

@moonage-xx-daydream @silverfactory @mangle-my-mind

[imnot4writer]

It's time to go

pairing: Joel Miller x F!reader (Elisa)

summary: Yes or no?

Warnings: I am not a writer and my first language is Spanish | Angst + Fluff + Bad words and betrayal.

Pov Joel Miller:

Together with Ellie we were living a Jackson for a month, as he ended up getting attached to a girl, so while spending time together with my brother and he told me that someone could better guide me to the university and even further down that path if there is a change of plans.

But now I find myself here:

"No" Is all Elisa says to me. "Why? We just need a guide, I'll pay you with whatever you need, just enough for both of us, you help me and I'll help you" I sigh and she looks at me with bored eyes.

"I have to be on patrol, Joel" She sighs and arches an eyebrow. “Anyway, insistence makes me curious.” Seeing that I don't say anything, she continues speaking. “Ellie would be killed by fireflies if they see her, if they see you, and I'm not going to risk that for pay.” I shake my head but she's already getting up to leave the bar.

"It's hard isn't it" Tommy says next to me, I don't know at what point he sat down but here he is offering me a glass with Whiskey in it.

"I offered her a fair deal and all she says is no, I can't do this alone Tommy" I take the glass and take a big sip.

"It's not that she doesn't want to die over there, but she's looking for her friend, hence the constant patrols" Tommy gives me a somewhat sad look.

"Well, I was thinking of believing that the rumors were true, that I just wanted to be ascended and have the power, but I looked very simple, only that I was angry that I was rejecting me" Tommy laughs and pats me on the arm.

"What's this about him rejecting you?" he raises his eyebrows in amusement and I sigh. "Don't start, you know what I mean, don't take what I said out of context."

Tommy immediately becomes serious, "When she came in she was just saying Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, we thought she had ended this girl's life, maybe because she had been infected but in the end she told me who Sandy was" Tommy comments and takes a sip from his glass.

"Patience" I shake my head. "I don't have much time."

Tommy rolls his eyes and takes one last sip. "Best of luck then, little brother. My advice is to settle in here, because until Sandy shows up, there will be no guide."

_____________________________________________

At home with Ellie:

"Old man, I want her to go because you're deaf in one ear and some help from someone who knows the place wouldn't hurt, plus you like her" she smiles amused.

"Ellie, stop calling me old man, and she doesn't want to go with us, not until Sandy shows up."

Ellie snaps her fingers and raises her eyebrows several times.

"You didn't deny you like her, you old flirt" I shut her up with a glare and let out a yawn.

"How about we help her look for it?" Ellie asks me smiling and I roll my eyes.

"It's not easy at all, besides, it's not like she's giving us a fucking ride, her friend might be on the opposite side and..." Ellie interrupts me and sighs exaggeratedly.

"Look, man, I really like Elisa and she told me about her when I got the wrong house, she even gave me a tour and well I was telling her stuff, and so was she."

"What are you getting at with that, are you going to convince her or something?" Ellie denies and puts a hand on her forehead. "No, Saint Joel, you old fuck, you'll do it."

"You little shit, respect me and didn't you hear what I was saying, she refuses" Ellie laughs and then stops to look at me seriously.

"Listen, you old coot. Sandy got lost when she went with Elisa to the college where we have to go, Sandy had heard crazy rumors in Jackson that according to the fireflies she had turned into monkeys, which is stupid, considering I'm a girl, I wouldn't believe it and go on a suicidal path" Ellie comments and watches me expectantly to see my reaction."

"That was stupid, do you know when that happened?" Ellie nods. "Elisa said 2 months ago that's why she wasn't giving up hope, that was too short a time."

"That's understandable, I would try to find my friend too, still don't tell her what I told you and try not to comment on it at length, Jackson's only know that their friend was lost, nothing else."

"Maybe I have another more interesting way to get her to agree, although it might be a little suicidal" She smiles sideways and I immediately deny.

"No, she nor anyone but Tommy will know about your immunity" Ellie rolls her eyes and laughs.

"Well good luck you old fuck, I'm going to sleep" Ellie goes to her room leaving me to my thoughts.

_________________________________________________

A day goes by and I decide to try again, listening to a brat, yes, Ellie. I won't expect anything good in this, but I have nothing more to lose and I have little time left.

I see her leaving her horse in the stable and I'm moving towards her until her voice stops me. "No, Joel" She sighed and I frowned. "I didn't even say anything" She turns and looks at me again with those bored eyes. "You were going to, so I'm making you save your breath."

"Funny" I comment sarcastically and shake my head. "I come to offer you something better, something that might interest you and a lot" She laughs and crosses her arms.

"Enlighten me" She says sarcastically and I move a little closer to her so no one else would hear but the horses.

"I can help you find Sandy"

__________________________________________

Pov Elisa:

No, he couldn't have said that.

I freeze and look at him with wide eyes, like he said the most outrageous thing in the world and I feel anger inside me.

"I know it was at the university, but I'm offering to check the perimeter more so maybe we'll find clues, I'm offering you protection too and no arguments."

"What the fuck do you know about her?" I get defensive to his surprise and he tried to calm me down.

"I'm just trying to help" He says but I sigh and try not to throw myself at him, just because he's Tommy's brother and because he's so big he would rip me to shreds.

"You don't want to help me, it's only convenient for you. On top of that I already went to check that perimeter, I wasn't going to leave my friend there without checking well, I've only come with pure disappointments from every adventure, patrol and I'm already tired as it is for you to come in and make your unfunny jokes" My brow furrows and I remain defensive, he looks at me with a glare I've never seen on someone only Sandy and Ellie.

"Don't look at me like that, Joel. You can go back the way you came back, see you tomorrow" I turn to leave but he gently grabs my arm making me look at him again being a little closer.

Well, Joel was a beautiful man and I have even imagined a life with him if there had not been the apocalypse but it's different when you lose someone you try to get away from others so you can avoid suffering through another loss, I know Sandy won't come back, but going back to where he "died" won't get me off the hook (or so I think).

"I'm leaving with Ellie tomorrow morning, that's why I came to ask you" Seeing that I don't say anything, he continues. "Ellie told me everything and I know she is going to kill me but she sees you as her angel and to me you are my last hope" I look at him with softer eyes and smile sadly for the first time to his delight.

"I... Joel, it's not fucking easy, I just want to cry and if I go I'll be being a fucking burden, and worse if I get Ellie killed or you killed, I couldn't live with that" Joel places a hand on my cheek and looks into my crystallized eyes, I sigh as I feel weak before him and surprisingly he kisses my forehead.

"I'm old and of course sometimes I wish I didn't ask this of you, not because I would have preferred it had been someone else less stubborn but it's because it's not just about that anymore, I care about you. I looked for Tommy all over the world and despite the falls, we are together now."

"I can't delay for Ellie, my doors are open, I hope you agree to come with us and all is well, although if you don't agree I would still help you look for her, I just don't have time to do it now as I have to get going" He whispers to me and I close my eyes relaxing listening to him but my "peace" is gone when I hear loud voices at Jackson's gate.

Joel breaks away from me and walks towards the gate, I follow him and listen as they say we can't leave, until they acknowledge us and let us out.}

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Pov Joel Miller:

What the fuck? I watch as Tommy, Maria and other patrolmen surround a civilian the size of Ellie. Apparently no one noticed since it was night and they were only patrolling during the day, still there was a chance they thought she needed help but how did she become such a threat?

I hear a gasp next to me belonging to Elisa and how she whispers something that goes with the wind.

But I also see something else, the look on her friend's face, the tears falling and not out of emotion or happiness.

Something bad was happening and I had to try to stop Elisa.

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Pov Elisa:

Sandy, my friend, my partner in crime, my bad influence, was here and alive, I failed to find her and she found me.

Did I fail her? I don't know, it doesn't matter now, I have her here.

"Sandy" I say low but Joel heard perfectly and dumbfounded he looked back at my friend, she hadn't seen me yet, so I just went and ran to her screaming her name.

"Sandy! Fuck Sandy!" I yelled excitedly, as she had a look on her face that I couldn't decipher as I was so happy to see her.

I was about to make my way towards her until a voice stopped me and arms did too.

"STOP!" Maria shouted. Confused I turned to her and looked behind my shoulder to see Joel, then realized we were surrounded and Joel moving a little away from me but taking my arm, he looked at Sandy and that's where I saw that face too.

Sandy was pale, haggard, watery eyes, traces of blood all over her face and clothes too. Well, she could have suffered until she got here is the clearest, most logical thing, it's not possible to be clean and smell nice if you're out there with infected.

"She is infected, right ankle, we wanted to see how long she lasted to convert and to make it clear before you get mad, Sandy gave her consent if it meant giving her time to see you" Maria commented in an authoritative voice and Sandy shed more tears.

I ignored her and moved a little closer to my friend, but it only brought the patrolmen closer, issuing warnings.

"Let your guard down, shit. She's not even coughing or anything, so please just let me have a conversation with her" I looked at Joel and Joel understood, he looked at Tommy and Tommy looked at Maria, Maria nodded and raised her hand for them to put their guns down.

"I took the blue road" That's what Sandy said as I moved a little closer to have a more intimate conversation, though it was no use having Joel behind me. I shook my head with a frown and lowered my gaze so as not to show my unruly tears.

"Fuck you, Sandy. Shit, I told you, don't go down that road, I told you a thousand times" I scolded in a shaky voice.

"I was reckless since we went to college, it was my fault and shit, I don't even deserve this, to see you, for you to see me like this, maybe I had to just get it over with" She says sobbing, which only makes my heart break.

"No, I don't want you to blame yourself for this either, I was to blame too, shit, I don't want to lose you, you find me and now you leave? I don't want that, Sandy" My gaze follows down and she calls me but I can't see her, my gaze goes to her ankle and I let out a loud sob, embarrassed for the people around. She calls me back but I see her fingers start to tremble and I fear her transformation is coming but that happens too when she has something to say, something hidden, a lie or just something new.

When we were cornered by the infected, I found a way out, I met a guy, Nathan. He was gorgeous, like those guys in magazines, I liked him and he helped me, but I wanted to come back for you, the problem was he told me there wouldn't be room for both of us, then he gave me the choice to come back for you and help you or go with him and save myself, and, shit, you know the decision I made"

I frowned and that's when I looked her in the eyes, showing my face full of tears but now of anger, when she said all that barbarity and betrayed, offended, hurt I decided to move away from her a few inches.

"Don't walk away, please" She tries to put her hand on my shoulder until she hears a growl.

"Don't touch her" Joel says angrily and gives her an intimidating look, enough to make her back away.

"What happened next?" I ask directly and continue with my frown. "We went to a cabin they had, it was hidden, so he introduced me to his group of friends, it was only three including, but one didn't like me very much, then I just tried to be like them, so when I offered to look for you, because I couldn't handle the guilt of you dying or getting hurt, they told me it might be too late and one of them told me I would have to go out and look for you because I wasn't sure and you might have been able to survive but I decided to leave it up in the air and went on with them. They left me later when we were attacked by clickers, just like I left you."

I shook my head and with my eyes already lifeless, I hugged her tight alerting Maria and she raised her hand again so that this time if aimed, Joel tried to push me away but I kept hugging her until I quickly pulled away and spat. "Fuck you."

I turned and ignoring their calls, I went running towards my house, as I entered the last thing I heard was a gunshot and I closed my eyes tightly, I took a deep breath and headed to my basement.

If someone knocked on my door who could think it was Joel, Maria, Tommy or even Ellie, I wouldn't know since I fell asleep.

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Pov Joel Miller:

I walk out next to Elisa heading straight to the stables to leave, until he stops in his tracks and confused I look in the direction he points.

"Elisa?" he says and I get much closer, sure enough, it was Elisa along with a horse and her backpack where she was carrying supplies as if she was going on an adventure or patrol. She was a little puffy eyed and understandably so because of what she had been through.

Have you come to say goodbye or are you going on patrol, darling? I raise my eyebrows and look into her eyes, she smiles with a slight denial.

"I'm coming with you" To my and Ellie's surprise, our eyes widen like saucers.

Ellie nods and smiles. "We knew you were coming, now if Joel won't be so grumpy during the ride" Elisa blushes a little and Ellie laughs. "Ellie go say goodbye to Shimmer."

She rolls her eyes in amusement and goes to the horse, Elisa clears her throat and hesitantly says to me. "So, if I can go or did the offer expire?" I smile a little at her. "I'm glad you're coming with us, you'll be fine, we'll be fine, I was worried about you staying."

"All thanks to you Joel, in fact, I was going to come anyway. I care about the girl and so do you, I don't mind talking to you guys, so I was pleased to meet you even though I didn't show it much because of my shitty attitude" He smiles at me and we stood looking into each other's eyes, without thinking about it I moved a little closer.

"Are we leaving or what, lovebirds?" Ellie pulls us out of our bubble and I nod along with Elisa.

"We're leaving."

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See ya!