#and idk if anyone else was in this position but. personally??
Text
Day #78: Movie-goers
#miraculous ladybug#feligami#kagami tsurugi#felix graham de vanily#felix fathom#marinette dupain cheng#ml spoilers#<- well#feligaminette#<- LMFAO#anyways. did anyone else watch that ''''''movie'''''''#the only nice thing i have to say abt it was tht it was very pretty. gorgeous gowns etc etc#in terms of storytelling pacing plot and dialogue........... it sure had those things !#i really just do not understand what went wrong bc all those elements usually work fine in the show itself. like#idk other than visuals that was extremely messy. not funny not smart like it felt like a cheap copy of the characters...#AND OF COURSE. NO KAGAMI. ANYWHERE#automatic 0/10. chloes design was sooo cute though :)#see me trying to be positive. idk just saying i would not have made the movie like that. personally.#felt like so much wasted potential#IM REALLY TRYING TO LIKE IT TOO LIKE I LOVE MIRACULOUS SO MUCH THTS WHY IT FEELS LIKE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT.......#anyways. if u havent seen the movie sorry. u can pretend theyre watching barbie or something
170 notes
·
View notes
Text
#im not dead quit asking#I'm just really really really not doing well#sorry if i scared anyone. that wasnt my intent#things got. let's say worse. for me irl. more complicated for sure#i hate to publicize my breakdown I really do. but maybe i... need this? in a weird way?#i haven't really been adjusting well to having a platform online. that's not anyone's fault but mine ofc#i feel that my 'fans' (if ive earned the right to call them that) dont and frankly cant ever care for me as a person#i dont know you and you dont know me. you dont know all of me at least. just what i make public. what i allow others to see#i had it kinda bullied into me that i need to keep my mouth shut abt my own issues. and ive spent a lot of this year trying to unlearn that#maybe publicizing this is a bad idea anyway#I just know ive been more honest abt my emotions and my personal life with my friends and my partner#and not everyone enjoys it but i know I'm not like. traumadumping so i feel somewhat assured that anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt my life-#-probably wasnt all that interested in forming a close relationship w me to begin with. even if theyre friendly at first#everyone else; the people who I know care about me; have shown me that through their actions#my point is being honest abt how youre doing w other ppl is a good idea. revolutionary i know lol#and i still don't know a lot of you personally but#parasocial or not i got some very genuine sounding messages while I was gone. and i. feel really bad that i worried those people#I guess theres my proof that people would care if i disappeared suddenly. people would notice pretty quick it seems#im never gonna kms btw. even if i didnt have the support i have im simply too stubborn to die lol. to put it lightly#and to those who thought this was abt fandom drama: it's not. those who shall not be named are genuinely the least of my problems these days#I'm on a journey of self actualization. or something. im trying to get my shit together. im trying to stop being clinically depressed lol#but god keeps throwing wrenches in my plans and. i beat myself up about it too much#but that's just life. they say you make a plan and god laughs#im. trying to be okay with just riding the wave. im impatient but if i keep trying to somehow speed up time im just gonna exhaust myself#which I think is where im at now. burnt out#and on top of all that i still feel this need to like. perform for you guys#if i dont keep making content everyone will forget i exist. if i dont make another video essay this year can i even call myself a youtuber#etc etc. its the spiral its impostor syndrome we've all been there#im trying to end this on a positive note but idk. i dont have all the answers yet#hoping i figure it out soon. i hope you dont forget me in the meantime
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
hhhnmg wip
#idk what im doing with Pavo's expression#this is supposed to be the moment he realizes that despite Everything. Everything hes done and everything hes been told#about where his worth as a person is and how people are supposed to react to his less than perfect battle worn face#despite it all. Esti loves him. and had never once lied about loving him#Its the realization of how close he had come to fumbling the best thing that has ever happened to him and the realization that#he doesn't deserve Esti because if it had been Anyone else in Esti's position. they wouldn't have put up with a fraction of#his bullshit before they left him to rot alone#and its the knowledge that he has to shape the fuck up and fix so many things that he broke out of anger and complete#disbelief that anyone. much less Esti. could actually love him#so idk. thats a lot of complicated emotions to get across#Euphoria and despair and self hatred and absolute adoration#i think im going to fuck up his face a bit more either way. make it less symmetrical
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
Went down a bit of a rabbit hole (the jc antis were so insistent that "canon jc" was the only tag for them so I wanted to see of "jc critical" was a tag that was actively used) and what do you mean people are calling Jiang Cheng an incel???
Like, when in the books has he ever been hostile towards a woman because they've refused to have sex with him??? When in the books has he even tried to have sex with a woman? Like, if you want to argue that he has internalized misogyny because of his beauty standards thing, sure- I'll hear you out- but incel is a very specific brand of misogyny and it is pure headcanon if you want to call him that
And I kept seeing people bring up the getting black listed by matchmakers thing as proof he's an incel and like??? You know there's more possibilities for why he'd be undatable than just "being an incel," right? Like, maybe he's just loud and angry. Maybe he just jumps to conclusions during arguments. Maybe he just doesn't know how to drop grievances. Maybe he's just an equal opportunity asshole. Or maybe he's just an emotional constipated stick-in-the-mud. The possibilities are endless and acting like "he's an incel" is the canon answer is just clown behavior
#mdzs discourse#jiang cheng#jiang cheng positive#jiang cheng critical#idk man- tagging both because I'm happy to both defend and shit on him when it comes to things he actually did#like i would not hang out with him if he was a real person#but i think making shit up as a means to hate on him is kinda silly#what if we started calling jc antis posts “jc behavior.” think that'd shut them up in the same way “shen yuan behavior” did for svsss antis?#also to anyone who said “why would anyone headcanon jc as ace? why would you want him as ace rep? what would that say about ace people”-#go eat sand#ace people are people and just as capable of sucking as anybody else is#someone headcanoning a character as ace says absolutely nothing about the ace community as a whole#one character never can and never will represent an entire group of people#jiang cheng antis are so strange#I'm not a jc stan but I'm siding with them lately because the other side is just fucking unhinged
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
ཻ۪۪♡.
#i want to learn how to vent healthily#bc i have this incessant pathological need to like share every thought i have#and if i dont i get this restless uneasy feeling in my chest and i get restless and worried and like wtf?#whats wrong w me? maybe it has smth to do w that during my entire life i have never been listened to or been helped#like during my life i've asked for help repeatedly but when i have i've only been dismissed or not believed etc etc#so maybe that translated into my head to just feel the need to share it in a public space.....#bc i used to write rverything in a diary but i filled them too quickly and i cant afford the money or space to do that#so i started using twitter and now tumblr... but that has only resulted in me like feeding into it?#it's not healthy to feel the need to share EVERY thought or else u feel crazy. i also shouldnt focus or dwell on thoughts sm#i do have issues bc of my disorders and anxiety. plus avpd in swedish is literally called 'anxious personality disorder' 💀#so it is in me to be anxious and worried and neurotic#but still i want to learn how to not be fixated on thoughts and feelings (also a challenge bc bpd makes feelings feel all consuming)#if i think smth - that also can be totally untrue and only based on my worries -#i can just think it and let it go. idk have to dwell on it and obsess over it. (im trying mindfulness for years lol)#bc most of my venting is like me getting stuck in feelings and idk why i feel the need to express it constantly?#it isnt worth it. bc actually it has caused rifts and missunderstandings in multiple connections i've had online...#i do feel like venting isnt smth bad.. and i think emotions are PERSONAL and like completely unrelated to truth and other ppl#but i get it.. esp when u only know eo online and dont know everything going on in eo's heads#then u only get that as a full image when it isnt the whole picture#so like idk. i WANT to be able to get a healthier outlook on it.. bc this isnt working#both bc of myself and for myself but also in relation to others#and like. why do i like never see anyone else on thmblr/twitter that post EVERY thought like me???? (i dont think its wrong to do bc *i*#have a different pov on it and idc abt other ppl's vents but .. yeah idk why do i do this but no one else does it at the level i do?#so idk i've just been thinking of this lately bc yeah.. yeah i just dont know i dont know.... :///#i actually want to be able to not ruminate and get stuck in it but idk how to break free?#plus expressing positive emotions & thoughts is terrifying to me like idk why but i cant????#why??? i feel like im undeserving of good things that i cant even express smth nice bc im like .. i dont deserve to think/feel that??
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Having complicated emotions about my possible neurodivergency again
I just wish I could at least get tested to see if I have ADHD because I just want to know if my years of research and analyzing my brain means anything. Because I don’t want to self diagnose. But I just know something is up with my brain and I don’t know what it is
If I don’t get a diagnosis, then I’ll never know and I’ll never get the resources I need or the community of other neurodivergent individuals (in the case that I do have ADHD or something else) but if I do get a diagnosis and end up being neurodivergent, I’ll be shamed by my family and end up alone in that way. So I don’t win in either situations
And I know I can use resources if they help make my life easier, but I feel like such a fraud like, “Oh look at this loser, she’s using resources for people with ADHD and Autism even though she’s undiagnosed, I bet she’s just faking it.”
I don’t want to be unfair to those who do actually need help but I also feel like I need help with nobody to help me and I’m lost and scared and frustrated and confused and hghhghhjgfhhnn
#it’s so complicated and I don’t know what to do#I’d really be getting the diagnosis for me#because as I’ve mentioned before#medication scares me#but even that makes me feel bad#idk I’m just thinking out loud#I’m just tired of being confused#and I’m tired of being stuck in the middle of something#did anyone else feel like this before they got diagnosed?#I need some insight#because I don’t want to be that person who takes away from people who know for sure that they are neurodivergent#because I would feel terrible if I did that#sfw interaction only#sfw agere#sfw age regression#age regressor#age regression#agere blog#agere positivity#quizzyrambles#Quizzyrants#quizzyvents
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
At this point... I'll just unfollow whichever mf uses ai art
#ai art#ai generated#ai artwork#ai#fuck ai everything#fuck ai all my homies hate ai#fuck ai art#fuck ai bros#like nah unless u wanna make or get someone else to make art... dont even bother#and like... this isnt an economic thing... cause invariably those who most utilise ai art can afford to pay a fucking person#fuck the ai movement#if you're not in the position to buy art just create it yourself#but for advertising ESPECIALLY#if ur own art isnt enough or good enough.... consider other means#also there are plenty artists out there who charge affordable prices and are being ignored because ai is quick and easy#so maybe just shop around?#idk i just have an aversion to anything created by ai#cause to me... art is the one most human expression#in whatever form#its the protest and experience of a living being#and literally anyone can engage in it#its a form of human expression#or the expression of any creature with a perspective and experience#shout out to dogs cats and elephants... and any creature whose artwork I've not seen yet#because art takes soul#not mindless meaningless prompts and algorithms designed to make money
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
plot? you mean 100k words of set up so i can make a single joke?
#writing#qab#idk what the rest of you are doing or why you're doing it but i am writing novel length fics to write a single section i thought was very v#constantly wondering if anyone else does this and almost positive no one does#because that would make them a crazy person
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
it’s not that it makes me sad per se but i really could’ve been dating someone i did actually kind of really want to date since JULY. and now the moment is literally so far gone and i didn’t realise until the moment was so far gone !!!
#like it actually doesnt make me sad because there wouldve been major complications Had we dated#and the person who i trust most in this world has told me theyre glad it didnt happen#and i think in the long run he’s not the First person i should date anyway like in an ideal world we’d date like. 2-3 years on from now when#i’d been in at least one relationship to work out how i operate in a relationship#but it’s also like i wish i had known that the opportunity was there and i wish i had taken it#and part of me goes well maybe in 2-3 years it COULD happen#but i think that does a disservice to the person he’s dating now like . i do hope they’re happy and it goes well for the both of them#AND ALSO ITS WEIRD AS FUCK TO BE LIKE OH WELL MAYBE IN A FEW YEARS ILL DATE THIS PERSON *AFTER* another person??????#like bitch who do you think u are that you’ll have managed to date ANYONE in that time and also why the fuck would u date someone without#hoping it would last????????#but thoughts ≠ action nor are they inherently moralistic#but also that’s a weird way 2 think about relationships#it’d be funny if it happened though#idk i just think that if the timing was different he and i could have so much fun dating like genuinely i think it’d be a really good time#but it’s really weird because i’m not pining away after him or anything like ik it sounds like i am#but it’s not like that it’s more just that it’s opened up all these thoughts that i hadn’t really thought possible before ?#and they’re not possible NOW bc he’s dating someone else so i’m in exactly the same position but idk#i think i’m getting too settled. i’m TOO SETTLED.#because it’s literally not normal to think oh maybe in three years we could date and it’d be better timing for both of us ???????????#unhinged behaviour. what the fuck is that.#it’d be fucking hilarious if it happened tho
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
i think i’m addicted to complimenting people
#it’s just so nice to see other people light up when you say something positive about them#like homie you’re a cool human and i want to recognize that#i’m so sorry if anyone else has made you doubt that but i promise i will never be the person to ever aid in that doubt#i love telling people positive and complimentary things about them#the whole world is so negative and awful and i refuse to contribute to that#now on the other hand ….#do people compliment me and say nice things to me ….#FUCKING NO#i’m always craving being loved and accepted and … idk am i so awful ???#i rarely get compliments or positive engagement with other human beings#i compliment and uplift because i fucking mean it !!#although it does make me sad that i’m not good enough to be complimented and uplifted#i’m just a fat loser for real#obviously these tags aren’t true for EVERYONE#but like for the …. 3? people total; this post ain’t about you
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
had a few really good days, now everything sucks. awesome. 🙃
#did stuff today. but I overdid it so now my hand hurts a lot & it'll most likely be worse tomorrow and I regret it.#really really tired.#and then I found out that I hurt my friend's feelings because I misunderstood the tone of their message so my reply came across totally#different from what I thought.#and intended#when I read their response it felt like. when you're going downstairs and you miss the last step#I feel like I'm a piece of shit. tried to explain that that wasn't how I meant it at all but idk if it'll be enough#they were really mad at me I think#I was just trying to be supportive and positive but apparently it came across like the opposite of that#and I hate myself now#I guess I'll just. go to bed. I feel too bed to do anything and I've got a horrible headache#I'm too fucking sensitive and also bad at reading people's tone and also everything else really#I shouldn't talk to anyone ever bc somehow everyone always ends up thinking I'm an asshole when I'm just trying to make everyone feel better#😭😭😭#personal
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here
#i am sorry#truly genuinely#ive been trying to justify it to myself that we weren't technically together and you said go kiss other people ill still be here meet your#needs in the way you want#but i think it was#yesterday#this guy flirted with me and i flirted back but then suddenly this wave of disgust and self loathing hit me#like what am i even doing#how could i have done that#you were sitting there thinking we're okay you thought we were still together and im just in a bad mood going thru one of those depressive#episodes you were so understanding when you shouldn't have been because if i say im in love with you i should be there for you every step#of the way.#but you go through so much shit alone and im never there for you or atleast not there for you a lot of times and then i blame you for#liking your bestfriends more like it's so stupid obviously love should be reliable stable#and we were something na. we were everything except the label#i should have told you the moment i started feeling empty and dissatisfied again#but just. this isn't an excuse but like i didn't want to hurt you by bringing up this same fight for the one thousandth time#we agreed that you're not in the position to give more and i agreed to be okay with it and i really was.#but i can't help myself i want to give you everything i hate that feeling that i need to be less love less WANT less. mujhse nahi ho pata#i wasn't lying or pretending to be okay with it i was TRYING my best to be okay with it because i love you and this was the only way to#not lose you forever#now i just want to move on fr and be just friends with you. i can't lose you as a person but i don't know how to make this up to you#i am physically incapable of being in this situationship i want a relationship or a friendship i can't with this in between#which is what i told you in jan. i remember my chest actually feeling heavy with fear bc i was so scared of hurting you and getting hurt#again. jokes on me my worst fears came true all the progress we made by taking space is lost#i don't know if you really deleted my playlist. i tried to listen to more songs from it but they're so. lovely. talking about epic grand#love. which we have. but it's like waving a candy in front of a kid and snatching it away it hurts too much to have all the feelings and#none of the relationship. now that ive talked to some people in the romantic sense i get it#you were my best love my most perfect love there are no flaws there's nothing anyone else can do that can be equal or more to what you did#but idk it isn't meant to be maybe there's no future
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but#not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about.#that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends#that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even#considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF...#like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy)#but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car#crash or fix me soup when I'm sick.#like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad#and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship#right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go#if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through#the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!!#and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after#she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think#anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore#but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst#Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that#this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me#WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!!#*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today#and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore!#In the Vents#GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#idk how to deal with how my relationship currently works#I love her more than anything in the world I just don't think she actually has any romantic feelings left for me...#other than just me being her best friend and family and the fact we've been together so long there just isn't much of anything else..#it just feels like there's so little to no romantic love left in our relationship and that she resents me for putting her in this position#where she cut herself off from everything back in her hometown where she came from just to pursue a relationship with me#and because I can't make her feel loved in the way she needs. in ways I used to make her feel about our relationship#and now 7 years later she feels like she's wasted the best years of her youth#with someone that she doesn't even know if she loves anymore#because all the shifts in dynamics. terrible poly relationships. my inability to not get romantically involved with her partners#which just ends up making everything very awkward and usually just ends in disaster. hurting our relationship#At this point all kinds of intimacy feels so forced that it makes it so hard to believe it's genuine intimacy and not pity or obligation#because of all the baggage in the last 7 years our BPD and rejection sensitive dysphoria makes romance and intimacy so difficult#it's so hard to look past all the failed attempts and heartache in the past when you remember it all#right now we're decided to separate romantically and she's going go look for other partners so she can learn to love again#before she'll even try to approach having a romantic relationship with me again#she's my favorite person in the world and I would do anything for her.. I just don't know how much there's left for me to do at this point.#I don't know what to do..#I don't even have anyone to talk about it because she's the only person I've talked to in the last 3 years because I'm such a shut-in#and I have literally no friends...#I just feel so fucking alone
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
you ever have such a bad week you just get like, an anxiety/anger hangover?
#i don't have to leave the house tomorrow! the evil is defeated!#and yet! i feel ill. what have i fucked up that i haven't discovered i've fucked up yet?#also a woman yelled at me in the parkade yesterday and im terribly anxious about running into her again#the exit/entrance ramp is only wide enough for one car at a time so its like established etiquette that the person at the bottom backs up#bc it's hard to get out of the way when you're pulling into the parkade esp if people are behind you#and so i just assumed she would but no. she rolled down her window and started screaming at me to pull my car into a corner#which forced me to do an awkward 3-point turn to get back into position to go down the ramp. fyi that's how i scraped my car previously#and i was just like ????? just back up!! its so easy!! but just gesturing bc im not going to scream at people#but she was just getting angrier and angrier so eventually i gave up. but like. i just know anytime i encounter her she's going to be a pain#and i cannot stress this. EVERYONE ELSE BACKS UP. EVERYONE. A GIANT PICKUP BACKED UP FOR ME TODAY. EVERYONE DOES IT.#idk what her problem is. if shes just scared shitless of reversing her car or if she just thinks shes the specialest princess baby#and everyone has to get out of her way regardless of etiquette bc shes soooooo important uwu#but like. lady. fuckin cool it. you are making everyone's lives so difficult.#i hope one of the giant pickups fuckin bulldozes her. bc there's no way they could do the manouvre i did in my lil corolla#if anyone deserves Pickup Dude wrath it's her#anyway this illness is anxiety about her in particular ON TOP OF feeling bad about everything that's happened the last 2 days#sigh#i really need tomorrow to be good. and just a like. nice weekend
1 note
·
View note
Text
the state of this fandom is that I can’t even tell if the “canon Jiang Cheng” tag is supposed to be complementary or not. Like. Ofc I haven’t checked the tag bc I dont care that much about JC but I keep seeing ppl referencing the ‘Canon JC” tag and its. Bemusing.
#doesnt help that JC is already a kind of nuanced character#he is portrayed at times in the novel as a kid who is in a tough position and who ultmately makes a lot of bad decisions under duress#and is portrayed at other times as a complete jerk who tortures ppl and shows no remorse and is an actively combative person#and both of these are part of his canon personality#idk the canon jiang cheng tag is just kind of pretentious to me#like#who do you think you are? MXTX herself?#it is impossible for anyone to know for certain the true characteristics of a given character except for the person who created tat characte#everything else is up to interpretation#yknow#bc everyone perceives a story and the characters within it with the background of their previous experience#idk#lyly chatters
3 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
pubewig
now knownhag
ozzaban
Ozza ban
agendermetalbender
Transition Metals
boku-hetarimagines-blog
Hetalia Imagine Blog~
lilbimbointraining
Lil Bimbo