#and im starting to feel like ill never be satisfied no matter how many things i buy that i wanted | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

words-for-holland · 3 years

Text

Always Yours

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Sometimes dating a celebrity is hard...but Tom & Y/N have always said no matter what happens they could get through anything. Some angst but a lot of fluff.

A/N: So sorry for leaving yall hanging! Life is just crazy right now and this blog needs a lot of TLC tbh!! Also ehh I def dont think this was my best work but enjoy?

“Oof” Y/N lets out as she plops on to her boyfriend who was lying comfortable on the couch. Tom groaned at the impact with a cheeky smile on his face, his arms instantly wrapping around Y/N’s frame.

“Y’know..there are empty seats right there.” The soft brown-eyed boy gestured with the flick of his thick head as Y/N raises her eyes looking down at him, pretending to be slightly offended.

“Oh I see how it is then. It’s cool...Ill just cuddle with Tessa instead. I know she would welcome me with open arms instead of—” As she slowly starts getting off his chest, Tom is quick to pull her back in, securing her with his strong arms. “No baby, I was just kidding. I want you right here, and Im never letting you go.” he pleas.

The only thing Y/N could manage was letting out a fit of giggles into his chest, a sound that Tom adored and would do absolutely anything to hear every minute of every day. They stay like this for a while enjoying the feeling of each other as they both run their hands into each others hair, the feeling of their chests moving up and down, the subtle thumps of their heartbeats, and the little slips of adoration that came out of their mouths. It was peaceful. A moment that nobody could really take a way because it was theirs.

Y/N casually pulls up her phone, and scrolls through Twitter when she noticed a particular tweet on her timeline. Her eyebrows furrow, as she read the 160 character message.

Why Tom Holland Should Be With Aaliyah Cole and Dump Y/N: A Thread.

She knew it wasnt a good idea to open up the thread. She knew very well that everything within the shallow string of tweets would be a complete waste of her time because it was made up by fans who just wanted to satisfy their fantasy of shipping Tom with his co-star. Who can blame them? They always had great chemistry, but it was part of the job and thats all it would ever be.

“You’re awfully quiet.” Tom murmurs, as he places soft kisses at the crown of her head. “Whats going on?” She was lucky her phone was facing away from Tom, quickly closing the app and pretending to be on one of her many tabs in Safari.

“Mmm..nothing.” Y/N lies softly, a tight-lipped smiled plastered on her face.

“Absolute bullocks. Youre not a very good liar.” He chuckles. “Tell me darling. Whats on your mind?”

Y/N rolls her eyes in response. She’s heard that comment one too many times in her life from everyone shes known. After not giving it much thought, she gives in, sighing heavily. “Dont judge me for what Im about to say.”

“Mmm...I think it might depend on wha— Ow” Tom reacts as he playfully rubs the side of his chest that Y/N hit. “Okay too soon for jokes. Go on.”

Again, Y/N sighs as she props herself up. “Its just ... well a lot of your fans keeps talking about wanting you to get with Aaliyah.” She looks down trying not to make eye contact with Tom, who she’d imagine was looking at her with annoyance.

Tom rolls his eyes at the ridiculousness. Not so much at Y/N but the fact that some of his fans just didnt want to accept the fact that he was happy with Y/N. If it had to come from his mouth to stop the stupid rumors and give his girlfriend peace, then hed gladly yell it from the rooftops for everyone to hear. “Thats it Im making a statement about it.”

Y/N’s eyes widen in fear, scrambling to prevent him from grabbing his phone on the table next him. “No no no no.” She repeatedly declines. “You’ll only make it worse.”

“Darling, Im not going to stand here and watch you get all insecure because of their delusional ship.”

“Yeah well Im not gonna be the reason your fans hate me because Im getting in the way of your friendship with Aaliyah Cole.” She fires back.

Tom was ready to open his mouth only to be cut off once again. “And you know better. That is how your fans will always see it.”

“Okay, are you done?” He calmly asked, cautiously observing her. Rarely did Y/N ever get worked up about anything, but when she had her tangents, Tom always made sure she got off everything she needed to say before he becomes her voice of reason.

“Yeah, I guess.” she says feeling defeated. “Look its whatever and Im tired, can we just let this go and forget this whole conversation even happened?”

Tom was unconvinced, but didnt want to push her further. So reluctantly, he gave in and wrapped his arms around Y/N as they both tried to lull themselves to sleep.

***

Y/N wasnt sure how she ended up in the Tube. It was strange how the lights flickered off the rusted tile floor. The train was no where to be seen, but off to the side of the railroads was pitch black, she could hardly see beyond. To her right she noticed herself standing in the corner of the room, and to her surprise Aaliyah was there. Her milk chocolate kissed skin, and fashionably long frizzy hair dropped down past her shoulders. Her figure long and poised, as she wore a rain jacket and sweats. An outfit only she could pull off and make it look like she was a model for Vogue. Aasliyah smiles brightly at Y/N.

“Hey Y/N.” She says cheerfully as a genuine friend would.

To Y/N’s surprise she greeted her back in the same tone. “Hey Aaliyah...uhh whats going on?” Y/N wasnt sure if she wanted the answer of how they both ended up in the Tube or if she truly wanted to know how her day went.

“Well Im getting ready to present at the Oscars.” She replies, a smile plastered as if she was so excited about it, almost too excited like she was keeping a secret.

“Really? Oh my god, that’s amazing! Im so proud of you Aaliyah! Who are you taking?”

Aaliyah pauses for a few moment looking back and forth, making sure no one else was around. “Okay can you keep a secret?” She whispered.

Y/N nods her head slowly, not having the slightest clue of what was going on. “Im taking Tom. I think he really likes me, and well...I like him too! Do you think maybe I should ask him when we go?” Aaliyah asked genuinely. It was almost like she had no recollection of Y/N and Tom being a couple. “I think we would look good together. Everyone is already making rumors and ships about us.”

Y/N backs aways lowly only to bump into a broad figure. As she turns around she sees Tom, emotionless and almost sad. “Y/N.” He speaks out. “I dont think this is going to work out. Im leaving you.”

Y/N’s heart quickens, and her breaths become shorter as she tries to find a way to run. Running and running into the darkness, until all she could hear was Tom’s faint voice calling out her name.

***

“Y/N! Y/N! Baby wake up please.” Tom cries as he gently shakes his girlfriend from her disturbed sleep.

Quickly Y/N opens her eyes and clutches on to Toms hoodie firmly. Back home, and in Toms arms. It was a dream was all she thought. A sigh of relief escaping from her mouth.

“Darling...” he speaks softly, worried about his girlfriend. “Are you okay?”

Y/N looks up at him and nods frantically. “Mmm..bad dream.”

“Yeah it seemed like it. You were so frightened...I was scared. What happened?” He’s looking at her, trying to read her saddened eyes, wanting to desperately understand what scared her so he could make it all go away for her.

Y/N looks down at her fiddling hands, as she sits on the couch. “I uhh...” she lets out a chuckle, thinking of the ridiculousness of it all. “I uhh...dreamed about Aaliyah going to the oscars and saying how she loved you and how you two are perfect for each other. When I turned around I saw you but you werent happy and said you were leaving me.”

Tom doesnt say a word, all he could think about was how sorry he felt to put Y/N in this position. Though both of them knew, It wasnt Toms fault, or anyone’s for that matter. Feelings are feelings and that was okay. No human being was ever born perfect and without insecurities.

Y/N always tried to be a good sport with situations like this knowing every shippers theory and evidence were hardly ever true, but at some point there was only so much she could take before it all came out like an oil spill. Maybe it was a sign that she wasnt good enough to be with Tom if half of his fanbase thought this way as well.

Tom cradled her into his arms again, holding her tightly and kissing the top of her head. “Darling, I know youre still doubting yourself about all of this, but please believe me when I tell you that I love you so so much and no matter what happens...Im always yours.” He whispers gently in her ear. “It was only a dream and these ridiculous rumors and theories are just that. No one woman in the world could ever make me feel the way I feel for you.”

Y/N blinks softly, as she stares into space. Afraid and in a weird way ashamed, its funny how something so small and so minimal could affect her self-esteem so greatly. Tom gently brings her head up, so her eyes can meet his. He rolls his thumb on the bottom of her soft lips. “Hey, I love you.” Tom smiles.

Time stopped for the both of them the moment Y/N looked into his eyes, she felt safe. All the bad words and thoughts slowly disappear. Tom was right, none of the things that anyone said about their relationship mattered. She knew Tom loved her, and how much she truly loved him. Isnt that enough? Of course not. It was more than enough. A smile slowly forming on Y/N’s face. “Theres that smile I love so much.” He comments.

“Im sorry, for being such a —”

“No. Its okay. You have a right to feel the way you did.” He picks up her hand and leaves a gentle kiss.

“I love you so much Tom.” She says pressing her lips to his. “I dont deserve you.”

“Darling, its me that doesnt deserve you. Im always yours.” Tom proclaims as he kisses her back.

#tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader

289 notes · View notes

ootahime · 3 years

Text

what is utahime’s role in the future? — a prediction (manga spoilers)

part 2 (unedited)

part 1 is here!

let’s continue answering the question: is utahime weak?

chapter 135

what preparations is utahime making? like i’ve mentioned before, i theorize that she needs to charge up in order to use her technique. since momo and the other kyoto students are fighting on the front line to buy time for utahime, i believe that they trust that their teacher’s ability can help turn the situation around.

what do the students think of her? do they think she’s weak?

chapter 128

mechamaru manipulates the circumstances in a way that allow him to keep the kyoto people away from danger. this has more to do with how much he cares about his classmates and his teacher rather than seeing them as incompetent sorcerers who can’t hold their own. notice how he says “EVEN utahime”.

chapter 128

kamo thinks mechamaru doesn’t have that much faith in the Kyoto students—but this isn’t true at all! he knows who the enemy is and has a grasp of how dangerous they are. he just wants to keep his friends safe. besides, kamo is a semi-grade 1 sorcerer which means he’s more than capable of defending himself against curses. but since he’s being kept safe too, it suggests that this is not a matter of keeping weak people away from fighting :)

chapter 41

this seems a bit off topic but let’s talk about the misogyny in jujutsu society. momo points out to nobara that the women from the zenin clan are expected to be perfect. the misogyny runs so deep to the point where some women aren’t allowed to even fight. you may think that this is just about the zenin clan but it’s about society as a whole. that’s why nobara responds to momo in a more personal sense. she doesn’t care about the boys versus girls issue because she embraces all aspects of herself. she loves herself when she’s strong, and she loves herself when she’s dressed up and beautiful. if it only applied to the zenin family then nobara wouldn’t have responded the way she did.

in the chapter before, nishimiya explains, “even if a girl has skills, if she’s not cute, she’s looked down upon. of course, if she’s only cute with no skill, it’s the same. women sorcerers aren’t expected to be skilled, they’re expected to be perfect.”

some of the female characters in jujutsu kaisen apply to this. for example, maki and mai. they’re looked down upon because one can’t use a cursed technique or see curses, while the other’s cursed technique is weak. in chapter 148(?) naoya says the only thing maki had going for her was her face, but it’s ruined now so she’s nothing. the zenin twins fall under the “cute but not skilled” category in jujutsu society. before we can put utahime into a category, let’s examine mei.

i promise this will all connect so please bear with me LOLLL let’s move on to mei. we find out that mei has the ability to control crows. she deems this ability as weak because it’s simple and doesn’t have much attack or defense power.

she convinces herself that a sorcerer’s worth doesn’t revolve around their CT. by following this ideal, she soon found herself at her limit because you can only hone your physical abilities to an extent. she said she was crushed because she thought that her weak CT would forever stunt her ability to grow as a sorcerer. but because of all the training she did in order to not rely on her CT, she was able to combine her physical prowess with her technique to make what’s best of her ability to control crows.

mei is an example of a perfect woman based on the standards the jujutsu world has established for women. although she has a weak technique, she makes up for it with adept use of weapons and physical prowess. she found a way to incorporate this “weak” ability to make it something strong. she’s beautiful and powerful so therefore, she was promoted to be a grade 1 sorcerer. she is what a woman is expected to be in order to be acknowledged by others.

what about utahime? why couldn’t she follow the same footsteps as mei?

i can’t answer that because we don’t really know much about utahime so far. i can only speculate why. being a grade 2 sorcerer at 20 is not bad at all. but why is she stuck as a semi-grade 1 sorcerer at 31? that surely proves she’s just weak, right?

semi-grade 1 sorcerers are sorcerers who have performed well on missions with a person accompanying them. i feel like when utahime was on a mission to exorcise a grade 1 curse on her own (the final step of the grade 1 promotion process), something happened that gave her her scar and made her unable to fulfill the mission. it’s either that or she did complete the mission but her appearance is too unsatisfactory. can you recall what nishimiya said? if you’re cute and not skilled, you’re not good enough. if you’re not cute and skilled, you’re still not good enough.

in men, scars are a symbol of honor and strength. on the other hand, scars on a woman’s face are seen as an imperfection. as a result, those who are scarred are deemed imperfect and unsuitable for marriage.

gojo hates the way things are run because the higher ups are so close-minded. they make decisions on a whim and have no compassion for sorcerers who are breaking their backs on their orders. he wants to change jujutsu society for the better by raising the next generation of sorcerers to be as strong as him. the old-fashioned and narrow-minded attitude of the higher ups leads me to believe that utahime is stuck as a semi-grade 1 sorcerer because she is viewed as imperfect. utahime’s scar is most likely the reason contributing to her being held back. who would want to promote a woman who isn’t beautiful enough to be a grade 1 sorcerer?

she obviously has a lot to offer because she’s a teacher at Kyoto. todo, a grade 1 sorcerer, has never shown any sign of disrespect towards utahime despite the fact that he surpassed her in rankings. he trusts in her and believes she has some things she can teach him.

can we additionally address the fact that gojo respects mei? he refers to her as mei-san and says that there’s no way she’d cry because she’s strong. mei has a weak technique though? 🤔🤔🤔 controlling crows?!?!?! nah im jk, mei is strong with and without her technique, of course. since gojo respects someone like mei, a person who doesn’t have an out-of-this-world technique, i believe his view of someone strong isn’t solely based on their technique. when he calls utahime weak, he may not be insulting her CT. it’s just all jokes because in chapter 65, geto and mei join in on the fun too and pick on her. mr. hot shot knows that utahime is a valuable asset to his plans so he entrusts her with the task of unearthing the traitor(s). if she was so incapable of such a thing, why did he pay mei to do the same job? 🤔

*a lot of people think mei was actually paid by gojo to promote his students but that’s incorrect. it goes against everything gojo advocates for. he wants his kids to enjoy their youth because his was taken away. being a sorcerer is not a smooth job and no matter how many years you’re in the profession, it never gets easier. he doesn’t wish for his students to be thrust in a world full of hardship and loss, which is why he was so against yuuji and yuta’s execution. he works hard to preserve the innocence of his students. he doesn’t want yuji’s heart to break, not even once. why would he pay mei to promote his students to grade 1? that would automatically strip them of their innocence and youth and push them into a world full of burden and pain.

PHEW that was long. how does this all tie back to utahime’s future role in the story?

her CT will probably come in clutch in an important battle

she might be the one to help get gojo out the box (A REACH i know)

she will help gojo with his plan to overthrow and change jujutsu society as a whole

i don’t really have to dive into the first bullet point. as for the second one, look at what i found!

in the second opening, utahime is seen searching for something in a dim forest.

*i read an analysis about opening 2 and apparently this just symbolizes her looking for the traitors. that makes sense too.

in chapter 144, this scenery pops up right before they enter master tengen’s base(?) the branches are thicker than in the opening but it gives the same vibes to me. i think utahime will be the one to break gojo out.

why utahime? well, gojo is their best shot at stabilizing whatever the fuck is going on right now. she knows it’s a crime to unseal him, but she wants her students to be safe so she’ll probably risk it. plus, gojo’s flashback starts with him breaking utahime and mei out of a building with a barrier. i think utahime breaking gojo out of the prison realm will make a perfect parallel :3

that theory is a massive ass pull I KNOW. it’s just fun to think about. it’s likely that kurusu hana will be the one helping yuuji and megumi out with that.

if utahime isn’t the one freeing gojo, she will definitely come face to face with the other traitors.

ive read numerous Reddit threads and tons of users think she’ll play a small role in the story—nothing too significant. i’m perfectly content with that as well. i never expected her to be gojo level or anything like that LMAOO. as long as we get to see her technique in action, i will be satisfied 😮‍💨

——

i feel like there may be a few things i missed but i tried to include everything i could think of. the organization of this post is quite off but im too lazy to rearrange it in a way that makes it more coherent LOL. thank you so much for reading. ill probably analyze gojo and utahime’s interactions in the manga and anime next :-)

#gojohime #gouta #gojo x utahime

134 notes · View notes

too-kinky-to-live · 3 years

Text

taste

happy vo.re day everyone!!! here’s my cringe fic to commemorate :-)

(no ao3 link this time im too self conscious)

this idea came about while talking to the lovely @chili-kinks and they made this in conjunction with my fic so please check them out!!

anyway this fic features pre.game oum.asai and soft, same size vo.re, you have been warned. also bad words

“IIIIT’S PUNISHMENT TIME!!!”

The screen cut to a large Monokuma towering over the latest blackened, a small blonde girl with a long pigtail. The demonic bear picked up the girl and began to lick all over as she struggled in his grasp. Slowly lifting her above his head, Monokuma bent his head back and opened the gates of hell: his half-fanged mouth, with drool beginning to form around it. The girl was screaming and flailing about as she was lowered further down to her demise. Monokuma’s fist released her without effort, the blackened dropping right into his gaping maw. It slammed shut with a metal clang, and the bear gave a loud, deafening gulp.

Saihara’s eyes were glued to the T.V., in a more intense manner than usual. What a cruel way to go, even for Danganronpa standards. He had many ideas about his own execution someday, but this… this was definitely one to consider. He could only imagine how she felt wriggling around in his large belly, put to an eternal sleep with a comforting blanket of warmth. His shaky hands moved to text his boyfriend Ouma, who sadly couldn’t make it to their weekly Danganronpa viewing because of heaps of school projects. He knew Ouma was more into the mystery aspect of the show than the gruesome killings, but he simply couldn’t resist.

Saihara: omgomgomg did you see the latest episode???

Ouma: I did. I had it on in the background so I could work.

Saihara: what did you think of the execution? :D

Ouma: It was… something. Unexpected, definitely.

It was difficult for the taller boy to contain his fantasizing, to say the least.

Saihara: i love the way she was screaming for dear life,,, it was soooo satisfying in the end! god i wish i were monokuma… tasting a victim would be so worth ittt

Ouma: Uh, Saihara?

Saihara: yea?

Ouma: I think you should go to bed. You have school tomorrow. And… you’re scaring me a little.

Saihara: sorry kichi… but fiiiine ill see you tomorrow.

The last thing he wanted was to make Ouma uncomfortable. And he was a man of his word, he’d take his advice and get to bed. However, there was one thing he wanted to try first. Rummaging around in his snack drawer, he found a small bag of Monokuma-themed gummy bears. He couldn’t stop thinking about having something whole run down his throat… and what better way to do it than try on a small candy? He frantically opened the bag and plucked out a red gummy. Dangling it above his drooling maw, he licked his lips.

“My first victim… down the hatch!”

He shoved the gummy in his mouth and had to stop himself from chewing. Positioning it for swallowing, he let it slide down his throat with a hard gulp. Saihara traced a hand over his chest to feel it going down to his stomach, shivering slightly. What an amazing feeling… he couldn’t chew these ever again! He happily shoved more in his mouth and gulped them down, pretending they were meek little prey against his predatory might.

Saihara tossed the bag aside and rubbed his belly blissfully. One day, maybe he could have a person inside him. Despite his affinity for Danganronpa, he could never bring himself to kill someone. He was going to rely on Team Danganronpa’s directors to change that for him. No, he merely wanted someone in his belly for a while, just to feel what it’s like.

Surely a normal human like him couldn’t achieve that, right?

Only one way to find out.

Ouma looked on nervously as Saihara effortlessly swallowed half a sandwich whole. His previous victims included sushi, apple slices, candy, cookies, and brownies. It was almost inhuman how the taller boy could open his mouth to fit a seemingly endless array of food.

"Saihara, you're gonna make yourself sick."

Saihara simply chuckled. "I'll be fine, 'Kichi."

The smaller boy knew Saihara had a somewhat unhealthy obsession with Danganronpa, but he never would have imagined it would affect him this much. Despite how unnatural it was, Ouma couldn't help his morbid curiosity. He couldn't deny how interesting the latest execution was (no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise), and a small part of him absolutely loved watching Saihara scarf down food and seeing it travel down his throat.

Nope, he definitely didn't enjoy this.

Every so often, the taller boy would lift his food above him and slowly ease it into his mouth, as if to simulate eating a person. Ouma was immensely thankful the other patrons of the cafe were ignoring them. Maybe this sudden fascination would fade once the next Danganronpa episode came out; but with Saihara, anything was possible.

Saihara: hey could you come over today? i wanna try something.

Two weeks later, Ouma received a rather unceremonious text from Saihara one night.

Ouma: Sure. What is it you want to try?

Saihara: i don't think i can say over text

Ouma furrowed his brow, his mind racing to the absolute worst possible scenarios. Did something happen between him and his uncle again?

Ouma: ...why not?

Saihara: i just can't i'm sorry

Saihara: pls come over asap

Ouma: Alright.

It was unsettling how vague his friend was being, and that made him all the more worried. He hurriedly packed his things and ran to Saihara's house.

The two sat across from each other on the floor in Saihara’s room, neither saying a word. The taller boy had his eyes cast down, deep in thought with Ouma left to wonder just what the hell happened to him. The air was unnerving, and Ouma couldn’t take it anymore.

“Are you okay, Saihara?”

The boy in question took a second to look up at him, meeting his eyes with an emotionless face Ouma had not seen in him before.

“Do you remember the episode where the girl got eaten alive?”

Oh.

��I… I want to try it out. I’ve been practicing so I could make it happen.”

Oh.

Saihara couldn’t possibly think this would work, right? Humans aren’t capable of eating each other without… killing the other. Ouma shuddered.

“Saihara,” he spoke slowly. “Do you really think you can do this? I mean, Danganronpa is just fiction after all… and one of us wouldn’t s-survive,” his voice began to quiver.

The taller boy sat up slightly and looked at Ouma with soft eyes. “I won’t let that happen. I’ve been looking stuff up. I’ve been training myself. And… you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

Part of Ouma didn’t want to. That part was constantly pushing the fact that this could end up very bad. However, another part slowly began to rise up - the feeling of being the closest he can to the one he has a crush on. And of course, there was that naughty side of him thrilled at the idea.

“...I’ll do it.”

Saihara’s eyes lit up. “Really?!”

“I trust you. And, well, I’m kinda curious too.”

Hearing Ouma have mutual feelings to this weird activity made Saihara’s heart race. The smaller boy began to remove his clothing, too embarrassed to make eye contact with his crush. Saihara finally noticed how bony Ouma was. He’d make sure to get him a proper meal later. Ouma removed everything but his boxers, feeling somewhat self-conscious and looking away with a blush.

“Could you uh, close your eyes while I do this? I don’t think I could make eye contact with you.”

“S-Sure.”

Ouma complied and Saihara inched his way towards him, shaking slightly. Ouma trusted him. He wasn’t about to let that be for nothing. Raising himself above Ouma’s head, Saihara opened his maw until it became unhinged. He gently bit down on the smaller boy’s head of hair. The flavor was a sweet grape with a bit of lavender, which made Saihara drool slightly. He couldn’t help but smile in bliss as he took more of the boy in. He felt Ouma flinch a bit, so he brought his hands to Ouma’s arms and rubbed for reassurance. The smaller boy calmed down and Saihara reached his shoulders.

Perhaps it was Ouma’s smaller stature, but this was going a lot easier than Saihara had anticipated. He wanted to lick at him to get more of his sweet flavor, but he didn’t want to gross him out. He also wished he could ask how Ouma was holding up, but, well… he was a bit preoccupied. As Saihara reached the smaller boy’s torso, he realized the boy had entered his stomach. He was already feeling full, but there was no going back now. He took a hand off of Ouma to rub his belly, his hand gliding over the dent created in it. Reaching Ouma’s boxers wasn’t nearly as thrilling of a milestone, since his taste was interrupted by bland fabric.

He picked up the pace and shoved the covered part of Ouma’s body down his gullet. He mentally apologized for being so rough. Resuming the wonderful taste of Ouma, he slid down his spindly legs. All that remained was below the knees, and those were consumed just as quickly. Saihara could feel Ouma squirming a bit to get comfortable, and that’s when the true euphoria started.

It felt fucking amazing.

It was everything he hoped it would be. He leaned back and let an arm support him from behind, using the other to support the massive weight added to him. His stomach stretched past his knees with many bumps protruding from it. Red-faced, Saihara panted heavily with his tongue lavishly hanging out. God, this was so worth it. He rubbed around to feel for Ouma, who was surprisingly calm during the whole ordeal.

He opened his mouth to ask Ouma how he was doing, but a massive belch burst from his lips instead. The smaller boy, meanwhile, was fumbling around trying to make out his surroundings in the dark. His body was drenched in saliva; but strangely, no stomach acid was present. The world quaked around him as Saihara let out a loud burp, and Ouma found it hard to be grossed out given his current circumstances.

“Are you *urp* okay, ‘Kichi?”

Saihara’s hand found Ouma’s head between the fleshy wall separating them, and Ouma couldn’t help but lean into the touch. He never saw himself in the stomach of his crush, yet here he was.

“I’m okay. It feels… really nice,” he blushed, accentuated with a small rub to the stomach walls. He was amazed at how elastic Saihara’s stomach was, he hoped he wasn’t putting too much strain on it.

“Haah… I’m great, ‘Kichi! The best I’ve ever felt, actually! You tasted incredible,” he grinned, licking his lips.

Suddenly, the buttons on his dress shirt holding on for dear life relented and popped right off, exposing his large belly. That was… pretty hot, Saihara realized. Ouma started to rub more of the walls surrounding him, causing Saihara to moan rather loudly. He was a complete mess around his crush, but it was just too difficult to contain his bliss.

“Saihara, why aren’t there any stomach acids yet?”

The taller boy gave his belly a gentle pat. “I found recipes online for drinks that *hic* could subdue stomach acids for a bit. It looks *hic* like they worked pretty *hic* well, huh?”

Ouma smiled and let himself lean back into the warm stomach walls.

“You’ll let me out when I’m ready, right?” he asked tiredly.

“Of course,” Saihara whispered, rubbing Ouma’s head.

“Thank you, Saihara.”

#hope yall enjoy #pora's fix

25 notes · View notes

creampievampire · 3 years

Note

Could you go into the difference between the subtext and queerbaiting in it, I'm still kind of -well it's obviously gay but nothing was really ever said or shown that says that expect for people talking about it- Like are the characters and their relationship just queer-coded (positivly ofc lol) but the baitiness comes from them sort of confirming it off the show?

of course! im assuming by ‘it’ you mean merlin, but rather than explaining the reasons why i think bbc merlin is a matter of subtext (or queer coding) and not queerbaiting, i think it would be easier and more productive to explain the difference between the two in general. they are very similar - which is why i think a lot of people are unable to tell the difference between them - but they have important differences

just a warning, this is going to be a LONG post lmao ive bolded exactly what each term means below, after which i go into more detail on the whole issue. this is something im passionate about so,,, ♥

queerbaiting specifically refers to a marketing technique in which creators hint at but dont actually depict a queer character or relationship. They do this in order to attract a queer audience with the suggestion of a character or relationship they can relate to, while also avoiding alienating their queerphobic audiences

queer coding is the subtextual coding of a character as queer through the use of things like metaphor, allegory, hinting, recognisable traits/stereotypes/experiences, etc. This is done to build believable characters and create more complex plot lines, and it is also regularly used by people who want to tell queer stories but are unable to do so explicitly. it CAN be used negatively to enforce damaging stereotypes, but that is just a small part of its usage

both of these things utilise subtext in order to work. subtext is not only a crucial part of the creation of any piece of media, but is impossible to avoid.

an example of the most basic types of subtext is when a character tells someone that everything is going to be okay, but you can tell they dont believe it. or when youre watching a story unfold and you suddenly connect the dots and realise whats going to happen before its explicitly stated - you used subtext and the hidden meanings and hints to figure it out!

the people involved w a piece of media create their story with a specific purpose or meaning in mind, and they construct the subtext of the story to reflect that purpose/meaning. HOWEVER, the viewers dont always see things the same!

your experiences and personality shape the way you view and interpret every piece of media you consume. if you hate cops youll see the insidious undertones in cop shows - if you grew up with an abusive parent youll see the biting implications in a characters dialogue that others find innocent - if youre queer you will search for and fine queer characters everywhere, regardless of the creators intentions

now, both queerbaiting and queer coding use subtext to function, right? so how do you know which is being used and whether or not its a bad thing? its all about intention

to give a specific explanation of the difference im going to use two examples that are (arguably) very similar in the way their queer characters became canon

example 1: adventure time featured the characters marceline and princess bubblegum, who have been forever depicted as a couple in fan content. their interactions in the show were read into and latched onto bc we saw ourselves in them and we saw it as positive queer rep. but their relationship was never explicitly discussed during the course of the show and was only confirmed at the end of the final episode.

that makes 10 seasons in which their relationship existed only in subtext, and when it did finally exist in canon it was only for a few minutes, if that.

example 2: supernatural featured the characters dean and castiel (lol) who have been depicted as a queer couple pretty much since the first episode cas appeared in. i personally hung on their every interaction, analysed every glance between them, bc i interpreted deans character as a parallel to my own childhood trauma.

cas joined the show in season 4, so that makes 11 seasons in which him being gay existed only in subtext, and when it was confirmed he was immediately cut out of the show. the exact nature of dean and castiels relationship still remains in subtext.

so why is it that adventure time is widely considered perfectly fine but supernatural is dunked on as being the poster boy for queerbaiting?

its bc adventure time involved queer creators and was an earnest representation of queer characters, but they were boxed in by their publisher, Cartoon Network and thus the only way for the relationship to exist in the show was through subtext.

supernatural, however, consistently neglected their queer character and employed transparent tropes and stereotypes - bringing him in just sparingly enough to keep queer audiences interested while never being gay enough to alienate their macho manly man queerphobe audiences. they would have dean and cas stare into each other eyes for a full 30 seconds and then almost immediately follow it up with an episode about dean banging a disposable female character.

so imho adventure time falls under queer subtext, and supernatural falls under queerbaiting

when it comes to a show like bbc merlin i see a lot of debate about whether or not its queer coding or queerbaiting, and my intention is not to convince you of either. merlin was very much a product of its time, and i have argued the same about seasons 4-6 of supernatural as well, before the queerbaiting escalated and became exhausting to me

the purpose of this post is to start giving you the information you need to analyse any piece of media and come to your OWN opinion as to whether or not its queerbaiting or whatever else

people will ALWAYS have differing opinions about this shit yall. i have debated so many times w so many people about where the line is and whats okay and what should be ‘cancelled’ and if consuming something deemed problematic makes you a bad person or not

and my conclusion?

if youre capable of acknowledging the flaws and issues w a piece of media without trying to defend it as a shining beacon of purity simply bc you like it, then you do you. enjoy whatever you want to enjoy - if i think its reprehensible i simply will never interact with you lol

at some point everyone has to stop regurgitating these generic woke speak cancel culture speeches and buzzwords and formulate their own opinions

my advice to anyone reading this is to learn how to do close reading (ill provide a link to a wonderful short guide on it in a reblog bc tumblr hates links) and start really considering where you draw the lines with all types of content. decide for yourself whether merlin or supernatural or adventure time crosses the line into content you cant stomach, but respect other people whose interpretations differ from yours

i know a HUGE amount of people think supernaturals confession scene was homophobic and toxic - a slap in the face - but when i watched it i saw myself reflected in dean. a repressed bisexual whose emotions had been stunted by lifelong trauma, who wasnt ready to face his feelings for cas but quickly realising that his chronic avoidance and fear was about to tear them apart possibly forever. to me it was tragic and beautiful, and i loved it

i also think merlin is a tragic and beautiful love story, and to me its a pivotal piece of queer media that changed the way i viewed love and made me believe that it was a possibility for me bc i related so deeply to arthur

i hope that you can draw a satisfying answer from this, anon, and i apologise for this post being a full essay lol but i believe it needed to be said - i dont think there is a right or wrong answer here

#long post #bbc merlin #merlin #supernatural #adventure time #subtext #queerbaiting #queer coding #frog talks #anon #ask

42 notes · View notes

neo-shitty · 3 years

Note

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

3 notes · View notes

daaziscoolbesties · 3 years

Text

i yearn for one(1) thing only, and that is to have a nice, simplistic, cartoonish artstyle. an artstyle that doesnt rely on anatomy, but the "movement" of the drawing, if you get what i mean.

i dont want realistic proportions and traditional colors and basic poses and gradient shading, i want funky lil dudes in funky poses with funky styles littering my sketchbook :( but alas i havent figured out how to develop that kind of style yet, my brain wants anatomy to look nice but also i dont want to draw eyes. i dont want to take time out of my day to learn how to draw lips i want to draw a line that extends past the characters face. i dont want all my characters to have pointy chins with curved cheeks i want their heads to be round and friend-like or full of sharp edges depending on their personalities and styles. i want to give them all not-quite human ears, blob feet, simple faces, but at the same time i want enough detail to convey the story or emotion im trying to tell.

ive spent so much time recently agonizing over how to use 3d model websites, using real-life references and tracing over them for practice, color-picking from real images to try and do realism and failing miserably, but you know whats easier than that? funky little dudes. little dudes who do not care if their legs are too long or their hair is too bouncy. i dont want my characters to look human.

ive spent enough time on the artfight website to realize that most people who classify their characters as "human" have the most basic ass designs (no offense to people who like basic human designs its just not my thing) or its like dnd-medieval style outfits which i cant draw for the life of me (ive tried). again no offense to people who actively enjoy and draw characters like that. i just need my dudes to have that certain,,, off-ness to them. tails are cool. wings are swag (especially if they arent even like,, fully attached,, ), elf ears are so wonderful to me no matter how much theyre overused, horns are so much fun to draw, and colors!! i have no knowledge in the color theory department so this works great for me!! the only thing i really know is dont shade with black, other than that i just colorpick from references usually but i dont want to do that!! i want the colors to hurt people's eyes but in a satisfying way. like the character's design is so nice to look at that you dont mind your eyes hurting a bit. like how im enjoying writing this post even though its 2 am and the brightness on my computer wont go any lower.

and then another thing ive noticed from being on the artfight website is that a lot of people classify their characters that are anthro/have anthro features under humanoids/monsters. like i made a google form to find some people to attack and someone sent me in a character with some sort of animal (wolf? idk) arms and legs. like dude!! peak character design i love her. but me personally? i cant draw that shit, its so hard for me. i tried a while back and its just Not my thing. nothing against furries i just. cant. and i dont want to either.

and i got another submission that i accidentally deleted that was like full anthro/wolf-like like my comrade,,, i cannot draw animals what makes you think i can draw an animal who acts like a human lmao. i can do like. very basic tails, and also animal ears but i cant do the arms and legs and such i just dont know the anatomy, and i know i was talking about how i dont want to care about anatomy but i feel like for anthros you really do need to know at least basic animal anatomy so you know how the limbs look and shit and i dont have that knowledge and dont feel like gaining it.

and then there were some submissions that i absolutely adored. there was one that like, was vaguely human shaped but definitely was not a human. they had a dark-ish lavender colored skin and horns and tusks and like goat ears and a sorta fluffy tail with spikes on it and they had wings and such and they were such a pleasure to draw i love them. and they had a fairly simple outfit too, nothing too complicated. and then i also enjoy object head characters, theyre so neato to me. i got one of those and i really wish i had the motivation to work on it cause it looks so fun.

i want to make funky characters but id have nothing to do with them because the only book i ever tried writing (key word tried - never got past planning it out) had strictly human characters in it, and most of the books i read are humans/humans with powers in situations specific to them so id have no idea what lore to make with the dudes. assuming i have the motivation to make lore and backstory because honestly i just really enjoy character designing its super duper fun.

(side note a song about trucks doing the deed came on just now and its interrupted my flow, apologies).

i only have three actual characters right now. one is an original roleplay oc whos design is literally athletic shorts, an oversized long sleeved grey sweatshirt, long purple hair, and demon horns. the second one is my persona whos design some sorta medival knight outfit kinda thing? but not ugly it looks really cool (idk one of my friends designed it bc i won some contest from him but the drawing was on a super small scale so idrk the details,,,) with a plague doctor mask and crown, and shoulder length wavy brown hair, dyed bright pink at the end. and then my last one im not too comfortable using other places because theyre a character my friend is using in the story hes writing, and thats really the only place theyve been used. but theyre easily my favorite and im already writing a ton so ill talk about them too.

they're a sorta elf species thing from another planet, with pale green skin and pointed ears. they also have a tail, its like,, super thin, but with a feathery bit at the end. probably not the texture of a feather but i dont know how else to describe it. they have short, curly, almost-draco-malfoy-blonde hair that when it gets too long they can put in a man bun. their eyesight is kinda shitty so when they got to earth, they were exploring some supply closets around the airship. drop off area. thing. like airport but for rocketships and also fancier. yeah. they were exploring that area and found a nice big pair of round glasses with grey frames. and they also found a cowboy-style hat and a sharpie so they wrote their name on the underside of the brim of the hat and stole the hat and glasses (but left the sharpie in the supply closet).

yeah theyre my favorite, my absolute beloved, my child, so cool. i want more characters like them but with maybe a bit more snazzier designs. theyre super cool and all but they could have more pizzazz if they werent in a story where its too late to give them more pizzazz. i just want to be able to give my characters thigh-high boots with a bunch of buckles and fluffy hair with tons of accessories crammed in and abnormally large and long ears that can harbor many piercings and horns that can hold rings on them and special little details on their outfits like who knows what but i dont have any characters to do that too, so i have to make them from scratch, which is always hard especially when you have artblock.

and i also have like 17 characters i need to fully draw, line, and maybe color for artfight before august 1st. so i dont know. i have many things to do and plenty of time to do it but instead i spend my time halfway watching repetitive youtube videos that get boring or sleeping all damn day because i stay up too late doing things like this or i just do nothing at all and its tiring and frustrating but i also feel nothing about it like theres no consequence if i dont do it besides you know. not doing it, not gaining that experience, not making something i enjoy.

so i should do it but i dont for whatever reason, i think its called executive dysfunction but im not sure. this post started out very differently than it ended and i said somewhere up there that i was writing this at 2 am but now its almost 3. this is so many words why couldnt i have put this energy into something productive

#long post #sorry its so messy but like i said its almost 3 am and i dont want to go back and format all this #i might come back and make it look nicer in the morning #maybe not who knows #i just checked and this is 1.5k words what the hell

3 notes · View notes

writinginthesparetime · 4 years

Text

Tic toc - one shot

pairing: Ot9; idol!Sehun x staff!y/n

Tags: workplace ; y/n being in a relationship ; Sehun has a little crush

genre: fluff; little angst; super fluff

A/n: I recently fell for Exo. Needed to write something about my bias eheh

Btw happy comeback! And happy holidays!

—————————————————————

Silently, I went inside the dance practice room knowing the manager was inside to fill some papers with the staff.

It was already a month I got hired here as a make-up artist: it was my first job after finishing school, i was ready to learn, fresh, but being the youngest in the whole building wasn’t helping. The closest in age to me were the exo members their self. This ended up being awkward at the beginning, then lead to growing weird friendship. Well, kinda a relationship. It’s still me, who at the end of the day has to take off their makeup while they’re already napping on the chair.

I closed the door behind me and in that moment they started practising Tempo’s choreography. I got frightened by the sudden music and I squeaked. I quickly realised some of the guys where smiling at me through the mirror.

“Shit.” My cheeks turned red already.

“Y/n? Do you need something?” The manager approached me while holding some filers.

“Yes sunbae.” I bowed a little. “This is the list of next orders we need for our warehouse.” I gave him, with both of my hands, an envelope that he quickly took.

“Thank you y/n, kind as always.”

“You’re welcome.” I smiled shyly. He then asked me to follow him through the room until we reached all the staff members.

My gaze dropped to the clock on the wall: I had 15 minutes to reach the restaurant and meet my boyfriend. If I managed to leave in a couple of minutes and run to take the metro, I’d arrive just in time.

I cursed myself for being too slow changing into the little tight red dress. I also re did my make-up, maybe an unnecessary step. Now I was wearing high fancy boots that marked every step and a long coat, ready to fly outside the building into the cold night of Seoul.

“Y/n I need a favour.”

“Sure.”

“Could you shoot the guys while dancing? Just a few song, nothing much.”

“Oh ... Sunbae, it’s not like I don’t want to, but I have an appointment after work. Is there anyone more qualified to do this?”

“Y/n don’t worry, they’ll be quick. You can do this, just sit still. Take this.” He gave me a camera definitely too heavy for me to hold. Music suddenly stopped and the boys were reaching water bottles to drink. I could see how tired they were.

“It will take just 5 minutes, we’ll be back soon.” The manager left with all the staff members leaving me and a sound technician behind.

“Y/n-noona! You came to see us dancing!” Kai run to me spilling some water.

“Not really.” We hugged for a little. Kai loved to call me noona whenever he felt sweet. No matter I was the youngest in the room.

“I got stuck at work, I should be outside already.”

“Stuck mmh?” Chanyeol came closer.

“I have a date tonight, do you think you can do this in one take?”

He winked at me and turned to the middle of the room. “Ya! Our y/n-nie got plans for the night! Let’s do this!”

I took off my coat leaving it on the table while sunbae was setting the camera.

I took it and quickly moved in front of the mirror wall, sitting exactly in the middle, shoulders pressed to the mirror. I crossed my legs carefully and adjusted the skirt.

I looked up and realised many eyes were on me.

“Y/n-noona, who is the lucky one?” Kai winked. Baek whistled.

“Y/n have mercy, someone here won’t sleep tonight.” Chen laughed, Sehun gave him a nudge.

“Boys, be good.”

I looked again at my watch, realising I was already so late. I pressed rec on the camera and the boys gathered up in the position. “Tempo” started again, the hardest part for me was not being able to dance or sing with them.

“Was it good?” Someone asked while I grabbed my phone.

“I have to text him.”

19.33 y/n: I’m sorry I’ll be late: I’m still at work. I’ll text you when i get out. I’ll try to be quick.

19.36 y/n: bae?

Songs went on, and so my texts.

19.41 y/n: bae? Im sorry i swear ill be quick

19.50 y/n: are we still in time for the reservation? Im starving! Wait for me bae!

“Is he texting you back?” Sehun laied on the mirror next to me looking at my screen. He wasn’t even sweating after dancing for so long.

“No, not really.” I said back, nervously laughing.

“Don’t worry y/n-ah, he can’t be mad. It’s so hard to be angry at you.”

“Wha-?”

I looked at him shocked. He snapped his fingers getting everyone attention. “We need to shoot the last one, and we are done. Sunbae prepare “The Eve” please.”

“Oh no.” I whispered covering my mouth.

That’s one of a few songs with a choreography that embarrass me every time. The slow hip thrust, lascivious gazes and the way they all became hotter in a couple of seconds.

First notes came, I swallowed my saliva and tried to focus while their eyes were on me. Actually, I knew they were all looking behind me, staring at each other on the mirror, but I felt being watched.

When the refrain came I just closed my eyes, too shy. And once I was able to open them again all of exo members were giggling at me. All the guys. ALL. They knew how shy I was. They knew the power of this song.

Suddenly the song hit me differently and harder, looking at some details: Suho’s arms, Sehun’s thighs, Kai’s grin, the power they all held. Everyone was doing something to me, my head started spinning.

“We need to take this one again sorry.” Sehun talked after the song ended. I moved on my place, suddenly the position wasn’t comfortable anymore. A weird hot feeling in my stomach started spreading.

I was so distracted by these new feelings I didn’t notice Sehun’s smirk. He was satisfied. I didn’t even realised my phone was buzzing inside my purse.

“Let’s be more powerful.” Chen said looking at his friends.

“And a step ahead please.” Everyone looked at Sehun.

The song started again and everyone seemed to be more engaged than before, using all their last energies.

They were one step closer to me now, and Sehun was directly in front of me. Less than two meters again, he was hip thrusting slowly. His eyes on me, and I was sure now he was really looking at me. I swallowed while fixing my skirt again, feeling suddenly too hot. He smirked.

His eyes, so dark now,were locked on me the whole choreography, I could feel his gaze never leaving me.

I felt so vulnerable. The hot feeling in my stomach now was getting stronger, I couldn’t help but squeeze my thighs together to get some relieve.

As soon as the last note ended I got up and left the camera on the table. I took the phone and I was surprised by all the messages.

19.52 bae: I cant believe this

19.58 bae: why are you always late? Ive been waiting you for so long! Im pissed

19.59 bae: ya! Text me ...

20.03 bae: where are you now?

20.05 bae: .....

20.06 bae: .....

20.07 bae: .....

20.08 bae: ... so?

20.10 bae: im leaving

“Shit shit shit shit.” I quickly wore my coat, already calling my boyfriend. I turned waving to the boys, ignoring their worried faces.

“Pick up please.” I opened the door with my shoulder still busy getting ready.

“Maybe you should fol-“ D.O. words were cut by my boyfriend’s voice on the phone.

“Y/n! Ya! You’re unbelievable!”

“Babe I’m so sorry, it’s not my fault, I couldn’t say no..”

“Sure. Always the same. It looks like you got 9 more boyfriends, who are more important than me. Should i get on the line?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t bother to come. Bye.” He hanged up. I froze, in the middle of the hallway. I didn’t know what to do. Maybe keep on desperately running and maybe he would be still in the restaurant? I tried calling, failing again and again. I was just ... frozen.

“Is everything fine?” Two big warm hands took mines, still holding the phone. I turned to Sehun’s worried face.

“Not really. He’s angry.” I said looking up at his eyes and then to the ceiling, hoping not to cry.

That was my first long relationship, we were together for more than 9 months. The first boy who noticed me, the first who held my hand to go to school. The first “i love you”.

“Then he doesn’t deserve you y/n-nie.” He whispered closing the distance between us with an hug.

He hold me tight, my head laid on his chest, his arms around me. One if his hands reached my hair and started massaging me gently.

“Ssh, everything will be fine y/n-nie. You’re too good.”

I didn’t even realised I was crying. I was sobbing so hard, my hands fisting his black hoodie’s hems.

“I am sorry.” I started bubbling.

“Don’t, we should be sorry, it’s our fault.” Sehun said patting my back lightly.

I stepped back, incredulous. “How could it be your fault?” And suddenly Sehun face got red.

“My fault...” He repeated shyly while I was wiping off the tears on my cheeks.

“Y/n?” Xiumin suddenly appeared behind Sehun’s tall figure. As soon as he saw my red puffy eyes he run to me pouting.

“Oh my girl, what happened?” He hugged me and tried to make me smile with his cute aegyo. He was the oldest yet he looked the youngest, and his pure kind soul was just one more thing to love him for.

“I lost my reservation at the restaurant.” I lied while looking at Sehun, hoping he’ll understand. He tilted his head a little, confused.

“Oh.” Sehun said quietly.

“I’m so hungry!” Baek exited the practise room screaming. All the EXO members behind him.

“Y/n is hungry too, she couldn’t make it to the restaurant.” Sehun surprised me for being strangely able to lie.

“Oh no y/n-nie.” This sounded like a chorus since all of them gathered together around me.

“I’ll make dinner for everybody.” D.O. proposed while taking my hand and gently hugging me. “Let’s go home.”

Sehun walked beside me, his hand on my lower back. “Let us treat you well.”

#exo imagines #exo do kyungsoo #exo suho #exo lay #exo sehun #exo chanyeol #exo kai #exo chen #exo baekhyun #exo minseok #exo #exo reactions #one shot #sehun x reader #sehun x you #fluff #lovely #friendship

172 notes · View notes

pinkykitten · 4 years

Text

I was tagged by @writing-with-melon I hope my answers aren’t complete waste or if time and if so I’m sorry and I love you

Rules: Answer ten 10 questions, ask 10, and tag 10 people

1. What song automatically plays in your head when you look out the window on a long drive?

i dont really have an answer for this. i think i just automatically think about any song ive been listening to recently or any song that has been stuck in my head.

2. Do you have some snacks nearby when you write?

well i live in a two story house so the kitchen is downstairs and im usually lazy busy so since i have a mini fridge upstairs i just usually get water to drink while im writing. its kinda hard to eat and write cuz i loose focus really easily so when i am writing i am writing! i am in the zone! but if i am a little hungry ill usually snack on candy like chocolate kinder joys i love them but they r so expensive or snack on chips but i get like salt on my fingers or i like cheetos so cheetos dust and that just gets everywhere and later my hands and keyboard kinda smell like fart. 3. What do you do to combat creative burnout?

so burnout happens to me a lot so to get inspiration i either read other stories or fanfics which gets my head gears turning or i admire a piece of art or photography or a song. whats so unique and satisfying with writing you can explore and go anywhere with it, hehehe erotic if you know what i mean lol jk there are no barriers with writing just your imagination. there is inspiration any where you go and id advise to never stop writing. even if its a few short sentences or paragraphs about anything even bird poop its still progression and your mind is working and your searching for words like its all good for you bby. 4. Do you use (or like to use) prompts?

i do ill put the link here. im thinking of changing it though to do something different.

5. What is your favorite place to write?

lol boring, i know but my room. my room is really bright in the mornings and comfortable and chill and i have a candle of the pandora ride in disney that smells like the ride so its all good and relaxing and super peaceful plus i have a picture of myself the age of like 9 on my desk idk why but it encourages me and makes me focus to make sure i never get that cringy again.

6. What is a hobby or yous that you usually don’t talk about?

well i like working out HAHAHAHAHA jk that was a joke...get it...cuz i much rather be eatingokillstop. but i really like to draw which i have a art page you can see it if you click here pls look at my failed attempts to be hip and cool with the cool kids and being artsy fartsy. another hobby is i really like to do makeup and nail art, nail art is really tough guys no joke if you do it like you got wizard powers are something. maybe its bc my nails are shorter than pete davidson and ariana grande’s relationship, alright im trying to stop i swear!

7. Do you play an instrument? Which one?

no i wish though. i always wanted to learn to either play the piano or electric guitar cuz H.E.R looks so cool doing it.

8. How do you feel about your handwriting?

it sucks dont even try me. my sister can barely read it like no wonder nobody wants to steal my signature heck they can’t even read it!

9. Can you tell us of a story that marked your development as a person? As a writer?

ok sit back guys, sniff a nice amount of crack and get ready for the most cringy moment of my life but also a time when i knew i was meant to be *inhale* a fanfic writer.

so it was elementary school, i think 3rd grade and for my writing assignment we were given a prompt of idk what the heck tbh i think it was like be outside the box and im like ok imma nail this cuz im a weird child and yeah so i got my papers and pencil and i went TO TOWN on this paper. so i wrote two stories. one short story with a picture to go with it and one long story that yeah i buried years ago. so my first story was about a farmer was about that farming life. he had chickens and dairy. so i cant remember if the cheese was spoiled but doesnt matter. anywho these cheese and a chicken were alive like they could talk in the story and i gave them faces, yikes. but the whole story was the farmer was a b*tch and he was trying to eat the chicken and cheese so they hatched a plan to get away from the farmer. they did it successfully and they ran away. yay happy ending my teacher actually liked that one me too and my school mates were thinking what they heck is this girl on i made a story about how me and justin bieber made cookies for Christmas you know. so then my other story i was more proud of this one cuz it was a tone of paper, sorry trees, and this story was about how a female hippo (girl i was all about plus size and thicker girls and no body shaming) and an male ostrich were kidnapped from their own habitats and taken to become circus animals. failed version of Madagascar hey mine was before the circus movie OK THEY STOLE IT FROM MEEEEE. so they get taken and are treated to harsh punishment and the animals can talk and i think its in the point of view of the male ostrich guy thing. they are in the circus and they start to have this relationship happening. love starts blossoming its all good. im happy with this cuz i believed in love at age of 8. they find a way thru a kick butt scene of the animals escaping and the hippo and ostrich are so in love that they run away together and they have half hippo half ostrich babies and i think i named the species hipstrich or like ostppo idk but i was so proud of this story and when my teacher read it she was worried about me lol i think she thought i might like mate these two animals like secretly idk but she was like it was ok and i was like what this is frickin William Shakespeare writing or like F. Scott Fitzgerald writing. nevertheless it taught me a lesson that nobody else needs to like what im writing the main point and only thing that matters is if your proud of it and you like it and i really did. i will remember that story forever and thats what made me want to be a writer. lol sorry that was a lot.

10. @emdop I’m going to use this great question: Explain one of your WIPs in the most ridiculous way possible.

wellllll im working on my peaky blinders oc story its a lot of drugs money killing weapons jewelry rich profanities like its the show but written from my stubby hands so my oc and whatever its great and so excited to show it to you guys.

MY QUESTIONS:

1. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO START TUMBLR?

2. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING OF THIS WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

3. WHAT QUALITY IS IMPORTANT TO YOU?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?

5. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

7. IF YOU COULD VISIT A PLACE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

8. WHAT SHOW OR MOVIE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN?

9. WHAT IS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?

10. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE IN THIS WORLD THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

im tagging: @thatlittlered, @ardentmuse, @acciosnapes, @lotsoffandomimagines, @collecting-stories, @blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms, @naughtyneganjdm, @lenahellgizibe and two random followers @spiritsent, @sucker-for-my-fandoms

i was tagged by @writing-with-melon again ty btw, ps i felt so much pressure lol jk 😊

Rules: Answer 5 questions, Ask 5 questions, Tag 5 people.

1. What is your favorite book?

fifty shades of grey hahaha naw my favorite book is obv you all know this is series of unfortunate events but i never usually cry period and i never cry for books ever so when i read mrs. tom thumb by melanie benjamin, its the part when her sister minnie dies i cried so hard idk it was just emotional the wording the way she described her pain it was so beautiful written yet so sad and that was just amazing to me cuz im like this book made me feel things and im like wow i would love to write a book one day and make someone feel something whether it be sadness anger happiness annoyance anything they are having an emotion and that is super powerful to do that with just words. pls go check out that book its a good read. also im a fan of the greatest showman so i really enjoyed it. there are many other books tho that i thoroughly enjoy so much.

2. What piece that you’ve written are you most proud of?

oh my god ive always wanted to be asked this question hands down i am always proud of my platonic gender neutral tony stark fic called in·con·sol·a·ble window to me i wrote it so sad and i was feeling like depressed lol when i saw peter die in infinity war like i didnt know what to do with my life tbh but im so glad that @impetrichorny requested it tysm i just like how its not based on romance or fluff or happiness it is based on when you lose someone the nightmares and sadness you go through and that there is nothing nobody can do about it except just be there for that person so i really like writing angst and something that was out of the box. ive been thinking tho of doing a part two since the fate of all the characters has changed after endgame. who knows tho.

3. What is the last song that inspired you?

well for art it would have to good news by mac miller when i did that kobe bryant memorial on my art page. i dont want to give it away though but ill just say some very powerful womens music inspired my oc writing and making.

4. How do you feel about letting people read what you write?

at first i was scared cuz i thought i wrote like trash which that feeling kinda doesnt go away like some days i feel that way others i feel confident or it depends on the request it just depends but anyways i was always insecure about my writing so when i started writing it was more like lets see how this goes if not ill delete the whole page. im glad to say it went great but in the begging it was hard cuz i kept putting myself down but i learned to accept or just understand that you keep learning with writing you always learn knew things with writing how you can explain something better or you words get more intricate and people see the improvement and you do too thats why i applaud those who dont speak english that english isnt their first language. you are doing a tremendous job and keep practicing cuz you’re gonna make it to the top. ive also learned that some days are not my days and you can take time off when youre not feeling it when you have writers block. just recollect your juices sip some tea go to the beach relax your mind a little and take as long as you need to come back and give it your all. also comments and reblogs and likes a follows those meant so much to me and encouraged me. thats why i cant express it enough how much all those mean to writers, artist, photographers, anybody who is truly trying their hard in this area of social media. its makes a person happy smile and confident in their writing but first train your mind into loving what you make not what others thing. you have to be happy with the outcome that is what truly matters and what makes your writing the best. look at me getting philosophical.

5. Do you get distracted easily? If yes with what?

yes and with porn haha i get distracted easily like very easily homeschooling was really tough for me. music distracts me, netflix, the urge to watch david dobrik or unus annus or buzzfeed unsolved on youtube, heck my farts distract me. i gotta be like troy bolton i gotta get my HEAD IN THE GAME!

MY QUESTIONS:

1. IF YOU COULD BE NAMED SOMETHING ELSE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE NAMED?

2. WHAT PERSON INSPIRES YOU THE MOST?

3. IF YOU KNEW THE WORLD WAS ENDING TOMORROW WHAT WOULD YOU DO TODAY?

4. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT IN THE SHOWER?

5. WHATS YOUR WEIRD COMBINATION FOOD?

im tagging: @thatlittlered, @ardentmuse, @acciosnapes, @lotsoffandomimagines, @collecting-stories AND WHOEVER WANTS TO DO THIS IF YOU FOLLOW ME OR LIKE MY STORIES TAG ME ILL READ YOUR ANSWERS. HOPE I DID THIS RIGHT SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING MWUAH

#ask #@writing-with-melon #rambles #writing #tips on writing #unus annus #david dobrik #netflix #buzzfeed unsolved #peaky blinders oc #kobe bryant #mac miller #tony stark #peter parker #the greatest showman #tom thumb #troy bolton #zac efron

16 notes · View notes

lostinyourparadise98 · 5 years

Text

Kiss Me

A/N: Hello my loves! Im so sorry that this is so shitty, it is currently 12:00 Am and my brain is melting as I write this, but I hope all of you enjoy hehe. Just a reminder that requests are open so please take advantage!!! Love y'all (:

The faint sound of snoring interrupts my sleep as squint my eyes, attempting to shield them from the light that is streaming through the curtains. Im unable to move, the weight of a six foot tall, curly headed boy keeps me trapped beneath the sheets. Shawn is sprawled out on top of me. His face is hidden in the crook of my neck, his breath tickling the exposed skin. His strong arms wrap around my waist making it impossible for me to move. I can't help but to reach my arm up and run my fingers through his curly hair. He looks so peaceful, I don't understand how someone can look so irresistible just by sleeping.

I feel a sudden pain in my chest as I realize this is our last day together before he goes back on tour. Don't get me wrong, I am so unbelievably proud of him. He is living his dream, workings ass off to keep his success but sometimes I just want him to myself. He is going to be gone for sixth months and I have no idea how my heart is going to handle it.

I wiggle out of his grasp, earning an irritated moan from his lips. He is now fully on his back, his eyes still closed as he tries to return to his comfortable position. I crawl on top of him, both of my legs on either side of his thighs. A big grin spills across my face as the sheets fall off of me, revealing my naked body. The events from last night replay in my head and I can't help but giggle from the butterflies and tingles that jolt through my bones.

I lean down and place soft kisses all over his face. I start on the right side of his cheek and move to the left, I kiss his forehead and move my way down to his chin and end with the tip of his nose. He doesn't budge for awhile, so I take matters into my own hands and go faster till I earn a reaction. He groans again but this time there is a smirk on his face.

“Wake. Up. Baby. Wake. up.wake. up.” I say between each kiss. I’m caught off guard as his arms wrap around my waist. He quickly sits up and pulls me back down on the bed till he is hovering over me. I can't stop the fits of giggles that erupt from within me.

“You know you could have gotten me a lot up faster if you had started with my lips.” His voice is deep and croaky, his eyes puffy and red. I chuckle at the wildness of his hair, my god he is beautiful.

“I think I kissed you enough last night, I wanted to switch things up a bit.”

He slowly leans down and presses his lips to mine. The kiss starts off slow and innocent. His arms pull me closer into him as he depends the kiss. Our tongues fight for dominance, I can't help the moan that falls from my mouth. My hands find the nape of his neck as I lightly tug at his hair, an action I know drives him crazy. The effect he has on me will be something I will never understand. I arch my back of the bed trying to get closer to him if thats even possible. We both tilt our heads, getting completely lost in each other. He pulls away first, resting his forehead against mine.

“You could never give me too many kisses, there will never be enough to completely satisfy me I'm always left wanting more.” His morning voice has me completely weak and he knows it.

“Well you better kiss me as much as possible, after today you will have to wait six months before I can shower you again.” He pulls away from me, resting his head on his elbow so he can look down at me as I turn to face him

“hey, we are going to be okay we’ve done this before.”

“That doesn't make it any easier.” He begins to run his fingers through my hair.

“I know baby, I know.” He leans down and places a sweet kiss on my forehead

I feel my eyes begin to water, I try my best to push back the tears but the thought of him not being here in a few short hours is unbearable.

“Shawn, I don't think I can handle saying goodbye to you again.” I intertwine our fingers.

“Baby, don't think of it as a goodbye, think of it as a ill see you soon. There are no goodbyes between us. I know this hurts and I am going to miss you like hell. But I promise you I will always be here. Just call me I don't care what time it is, if you’re ever missing me just call me.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you more.” I begin to push myself out of bed, but his hand stops me.

“Where are you going?” His bottom lip is pushed out like a child. I pull away from his hand and reach for his shirt that I tore off of him last night. I can feel my cheeks redden from the memory, as I slip it on. I hope to god he doesn't notice.

“I have to go shower, ill be quick I promise.”

“Or.....” He pauses

“Hear me out, we take a shower together.”

“Nice try Mendes, we both know what will end up happening if we shower together.”

“I promise I won't try anything, ill keep my hands to myself.” I raise my brow at him

“Okay, maybe not fully to myself but you get the picture.”

“Alright, but only because you are leaving.” He jumps out of bed and runs towards the bathroom. I roll my eyes as I gather my new shampoo and favorite bottle of body wash. Shawn stands at the shower with his hand under the water making sure the temperature is perfect. I quickly brush my teeth and slip out of shawns t-shirt.

“Ladies first.” Shawn pulls the curtain back and swiftly moves his hand to the direction of the shower.

“You're suck a dork.” I chuckle as I move passed him and into the tub. The warmth of the water feels amazing against my skin. I let the water spill down my hair as Shawn gets in. I feel him reach behind me as he enters. He moves the shower head higher so the water can actually reach his head. The boy is a tree I swear.

“Sorry shorty I gotta move this.”

“Don't call me shorty its not my fault you're a giant.” I watch as he repeats the same actions as me

Can I wash your hair?” The words crawl faster out of my mouth than I expected.

“Only if you let me do yours too.”

“Deal.” I squirt Shawn’s shampoo in my hand and turn to face him. Wow, this height difference is really hitting me right now. I can't even reach his head to wash his hair.

“Uhh baby do you think you could kneel?” He throws his head back as his laughter fills the bathroom

“Oh my God you are so cute.”

“Stop making fun of me I can't reach.”

“Ill kneel for you, you always kneel for me.” he winks and I quickly slap his arm

He kneels down in front of me, his hands firmly on my hips to keep his balance.

He closes his eyes in pleasure as I massage his scalp, his hair is nice and soapy and I waist no time playing with the curls on top of his head.

“Does that feel good Bub?”

“mmmhmmm.” he hums, I rinse his hair placing one hand over his eyes so he doesn't get burned by the soap. I repeat the same actions with the conditioner. This boy is in pure bliss. He stands to his feet.

“Your turn.” To say that his hands were made for this is in understatement. He laughs at my moans I ignore him getting lost in the pleasure that is coursing through my scalp. We both finish up and dry ourselves off.

Shawn makes his way into the bedroom putting on a pair of boxes and hopping back into bed. I take a little longer washing my face, brushing my hair, and fixing up my eyebrows.

“Babe do you mind if I use your speaker to put on some music?” he calls from the bedroom

“Go ahead Bub.” I begin to straighten up the mess I made in the bathroom until I hear the song he chose. Kiss me, by Ed Sheeran. My heart skips a beat as I think of the first time he kissed me, this song was playing in the background.

I walk out of the bathroom and lean against the door frame. Shawn sits on the bed smiling like he fool. He slowly rises and makes his way into the middle of the room. He stops and opens his arms.

“Dance with me?” STOP BEING SO CUTE

My feet move before I can even think. I walked s towards him and he wraps me in his arms. I rest my head against his chest as he sway back and forth to the music.

“You should wear my shirts more often by the way.”

“I will be,I'm stealing most of them. Oh and your Harvard hoodie, yeah you're never getting that back.”

“Thats my favorite one.”

“It smells like you.”

“You can keep it while I'm away baby, I don't mind.”

“I don't want you to leave.”

“I don't want to leave you.” I rest my forehead against his

“What do we do when the music stops?” I whisper

“When I'm wiht you, the music never stops.”

“Kiss me.”

“Always.”

The End

HEEEYY YALLL sorry this was TRASH. It is now 1:21 Am and I am dead ahahahahaha. sorry I'm acting like a crack head and I'm sorry for all the grammatical errors. My brain is dead right now. I promise I will post tomorrow. Hopefully I won't be as tired.But yeah gn and love ya.

#ShawnMendes #Shawn Mendes #Shawnmendesimagines #Shawn Mendes imagines #Shawnmendesfluff #Shawn Mendes fluff #Shawn Mendes Fanfiction #Shawn Mendes x reader #Shawnmendesxreader #fallingallinyou #kiss me #writing #in my blood #imagines

297 notes · View notes

vitanes · 5 years

Text

say it’s okay when it’s not

chapter 15: truth or dare

Lucas makes peace with himself, finally learns the whole truth about Eliott and realises that family is all the friends we’ve made along the way. Oh, and also gets a boy.

(a/n: so we’ve reached the end of this story. if anyone had told me id write over 80k words long story like a half year ago i wouldnt believe them but here i am. before writing for skam france, i had a long break but this show made me fall back in love with writing and no matter how detached i am from the series now, ill be always grateful for that. i want to thank every single person who’s ever liked, reblogged, commented or sent me an ask regarding the fic. im happy i could make you all feel something with my words thats my main goal as a writer. anyways, enough sappiness! enjoy the last part!)

Lucas knows that punching a guy when he isn’t alone is not the brightest idea, but it’s too late to think about it when his knuckles have already caused the damage. Buzzing with adrenaline, Lucas looks towards Tom. He’s backed away a few steps and is currently clutching onto his face. There’s blood running down from his nose.

There’s a wave of satisfaction hitting Lucas from all sides and it last exactly ten seconds before Tom’s friends are on him. One of them is holding Lucas by his shoulders while the other is glaring at him, coming way too close for Lucas’ liking.

He gulps, trying his best to maintain eye contact. He’s been crushed before because of how weak he was but this time he won’t let them hurt him without a fight. Not when he has every right to be furious in this situation.

The guy watches Lucas carefully, his eyes narrowed and after a few beats of silence, nods at the boy holding Lucas back. Much to Lucas’ surprise, he releases him.

“We don’t want trouble,” one of them says, looking meaningfully at all the people around them. Lucas follows his gaze and sighs. He was genuinely prepared to get beaten up again. Especially that they seemed like they wouldn’t care about the consequences.

But Lucas is still so full of anguish that he doesn’t know what to do with. He curls his fingers up into fists.

“I can’t let him get away with it,” Lucas grits out, his eyes downcast. They have no fucking idea what kind of hell he’s gone through because of Tom.

The boys look at each other, their faces troubled and then back to him. They still seem ready to stop Lucas from surging towards Tom. He can’t do anything in this case and it’s tearing him apart.

“Then don’t, but fighting won’t get you anywhere,” says the one that’s been previously holding Lucas. Look at them. Altruists.

Even when he wants to and has the occasion to get his revenge, Lucas can’t. And it’s unfair, isn’t it? He should be able to show Tom at least an ounce of the pain that was served to Lucas. After so many months, Lucas should be allowed to get back at him. But all he can do is stand there, helpless and trembling while they walk away, shielding Tom from him. That’s fucked up.

Once they’re out of sight, Lucas heaves out a deep breath and with it, the tears he’s been holding back start running down his cheeks. He’s crying out of frustration and anger because there’s no other way for those emotions to leave him. He can’t punch anyone or scream so all that’s left is crying. Right in the middle of the pavement, surrounded by people. Complete strangers that won’t even spare him a glance. Alone in his pain.

But he’s not alone, is he?

Lucas wipes his face with his sleeve and sniffs. There are people out there that care, that have his back no matter what. That’s what he’s learnt over the course of the last few months. No matter how much darkness is surrounding him, how lost he is, Lucas will find a way home.

Lucas is going to survive with the help of his friends, the family he’s made along the way. He’s been shown time and time again that he doesn’t have to face everything by himself.

That’s why he heads to the flat and when Mika sees the look on his face he doesn’t question Lucas reaching out for him.

Lucas hasn’t stopped fighting, it’s merely a break. He will go to the police tomorrow, he will handle everything. But now he’s bone-tired.

With no words said, Mika wraps his arms around Lucas and lets him rest.

“I know who blackmailed me,” Lucas mumbles into Mika’s shoulder and feels him tense.

“You do?” Mika asks, his voice breathy.

Lucas nods. “Is everyone in the living room?” Lucas can hear some muted noises but he isn’t sure whether it’s the girls or the TV.

“Yeah,” Mika lets out.

Lucas pulls away. “I want them to know, too,” he says. He’s gotten everyone too involved for him to keep it secret. At this point, he owes his friends that much.

“Of course,” Mika replies and nudges Lucas forward.

They enter the living room and their expressions must be rather grim because both Manon and Lisa stop chatting upon seeing them.

“Hi,” Lucas says, waving at them weakly before sitting down on the couch, next to Manon. Mika chooses his other side while Lisa is sitting comfortably in an armchair. “I found out who the blackmailer is. By accident.” He looks down on his hands. His right one still has some signs of what he’s done to it, but he long stopped bandaging it. Some fingers are a bit crooked, though.

“What?” Lisa asks.

“Who is it?” Manon sits up straighter.

Lucas snorts. “It’s a guy Yann and I were buying weed from. Last year. He just,” he shrugs, “wanted money for drugs. He got the pictures from someone else’s phone.” Lucas briefly glances at Manon, but she seems completely oblivious to it. So Daphne hasn’t said anything. Fine, he’s not going to, either. He has no energy to deal with this. “He didn’t have any ulterior motives. Fuck, he didn’t even plan to do it in the first place. I don’t…” he stops and drags a hand down his face. “…I don’t know if I’d rather have it be someone else, someone who hated me than this. It’s so fucking baffling that it wasn’t personal and yet I’ve been completely fucked over.” He pinches the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, letting out a shuddering breath.

Manon rests a hand on his shoulder and squeezes.

“This dude is completely fucked up. How could he?” Lisa asks no one in particular.

“At least now you can rest. You know the whole truth,” Manon says, her voice calm even though Lucas can feel through his shirt that her hand is shaking.

“Yeah, I– I feel slightly lighter. But I can’t fucking do anything and it’s killing me. It’s like I’m about to explode,” Lucas confesses, putting his hand down on his knee.

Mika throws an arm over his shoulders and pulls him to his side.

“How about we go to the gym?” he suggests out of nowhere and when none of them say anything, he huffs. “It could help Lucas. It’s better if he doesn’t bottle it all up,” Mika reasons. Well, if he’s putting it that way.

Lisa opens her mouth to say something, but Mika beats her to it.

“Like a family activity?” he offers. They can’t say no to that, can they?

***

Going to the gym helps. Lucas was doubtful at first, but after two hours of intense exercise, his mind is much clearer. With his whole body aching and sweaty, he no longer wants to go out there and fight Tom. All he is craving is a shower and a nap.

Everything else will come later.

***

“I can’t fucking believe it was Tom,” Yann spits out, shaking his head. “What a fucking dick,” he adds.

Lucas has gone to the police and told them everything. He was assured they’d take care of everything and contact him sooner or later. It didn’t satisfy him a lot. He doesn’t think he’ll be truly satisfied until Tom faces real repercussions. And the police’s vague affirmations don’t tamper down his impatience. So he called Yann.

He told him the exact same story as he recalled to his flatmates, with maybe more details and Yann’s been cussing Tom out for the past ten minutes.

“Yeah, Daphne must have bumped into him, asked to call Imane and that’s how he got the pictures,” Lucas says in a detached tone.

“Damn. What now?”

Lucas shrugs. “I was told to wait. Not sure I can do it any longer but what other choice do I have?”

“I’m still so shocked you found out by simply overhearing. Like? How’s that even possible?” Yann asks, grimacing.

“I know, right? That’s what I mean when I say that coincidences don’t exist,” Lucas replies, looking straight ahead. He hides his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “But you know what?” He gazes up at Yann to find him already looking back. “I’m so fucking glad I know. It’s been gnawing at me for so long and I thought I’d never find out. I had no idea where to look, there were nearly no clues. I can finally focus on other things.” It’s awful that he can’t seek the revenge out on his own, sure, but simply knowing gives him more peace than anything. There are still so many things, issues that he has to work through and he bets it’ll be a long process. Having fewer things on his plate is beyond helpful.

Lucas can heal and grow, take his time for as long as he needs to without having this at the back of his mind all the time. He can push forward with no more secrets holding him back.

“You’re so strong and I’m proud of you, you know?” Yann says fondly and bumps his shoulder against Lucas’. Lucas smiles under his nose.

“Thank you. I have no idea where I’d be right now without you,” he admits in a small voice. Yann has been nothing but giving and Lucas will try to repay his kindness for the rest of their lives.

“I’m your best friend, aren’t I? I’m not going anywhere. I love you lots,” Yann says with an audible smile in his voice.

Lucas feels warm.

“I love you, too,” he replies, so fucking grateful for having Yann in his life. In a way, Lucas thinks, he saved his life.

Yann is his anchor, his safe place and Lucas is sure that he’d drown without him. He can only hope that Yann feels the same.

***

By Monday, Lucas has already talked with his friends and mom about the blackmailer. There’s only one person that doesn’t know and it’s Eliott. Truth be told, Lucas didn’t want to bother him with the news. He has no idea how Eliott is currently doing and he doesn’t want to force him into unwanted interactions. The time to tell him will come.

His friends have been all kinds of shocked and surprised, but the people who personally met Tom even more so. Emma briefly wanted to kill him and Yann shared the sentiment. But everyone agreed that it was about time. Or at least, mostly everyone. Lucas doesn’t know and has no intention of finding out what Daphne thinks about it.

“How do you feel?”

Lucas looks at Imane. “Better than in a long time,” he admits. She smiles at him.

They are going to the library, having decided to study together earlier. Lucas has expected questions like this, but he isn’t annoyed. He no longer has to hide his true feelings, he’s not burdened. And Imane asking him about his well-being means that she cares.

It’s funny to think that before all this mess started, Lucas and Imane were only friends by association. Merely greeted each other in hallways. In the span of the last few months, everything has changed and as of now, she’s one of his closest friends. An unexpected development in Lucas’ life.

He lost so much but he also gained a lot. And he’s not sure he deserves all of that, but he’s learning to accept good things nevertheless.

Imane is one of those people whose presence you want to keep around. Lucas doesn’t really know how to explain it and maybe he doesn’t have to. Perhaps, he can be simply happy about the fact that Imane wants him around, too. He shouldn’t question it. She’s a good person and an amazing friend. She’s both tough and soft as well as incredibly smart. Lucas admires her and can proudly call himself her friend.

“Good. You can try to catch up to me when it comes to grades,” she teases.

She’s also honest.

Lucas snorts and looks at her. “Are you sure you want that? I don’t want to make you sad,” he retorts, adjusting his backpack.

Imane rolls her eyes. “You wish. I just wanted to be nice. We both know you could never get on my level,” she states matter-of-factly.

“Watch me. The school year isn’t ov–“

Imane stops abruptly and Lucas glances at her in surprise. Her brows are drawn together and he follows her gaze.

Daphne is standing in their way. They look at her in confusion and mild irritation in Imane’s case. Lucas notices that she’s anxiously fidgeting in place. She must have followed them up until now.

“Do you want something?” Imane asks and her voice is devoid of the earlier playfulness. Lucas only now sees the strain Daphne’s acting made on the girls’ friendship. Imane has never been this cold towards her before.

“Can we talk for a minute? In private?” Daphne asks, staring at Lucas.

God, the audacity.

“No, I’m good here. If you have anything to say, say it,” Lucas tells her. He almost pities her. Almost.

“I just wanted to ask you if there was any way I could make what I did up to you. I know it was wrong, but I was hoping I could fix it somehow,” Daphne replies, holding tightly onto the strap of her bag.

“Are you for real?” Imane mutters under her breath.

The thing is, Lucas knows Daphne had no ill intentions and the guilt must be eating at her right now. Rightfully so. He’s aware that she never wanted to hurt him, but still. He can’t find it in himself to forgive so easily. Maybe if she had come immediately after the pictures were leaked, but as the things are at the moment, Lucas doesn’t even want to talk with her.

“How about you finally tell other people?” he says which instantly makes her clamp her mouth shut. “Besides, the only way you could make it up to me would be if you invented the time machine. Can you do that? Can you do that, Daphne?” Lucas asks and he can feel himself getting worked up, but he’s unable to stop. “We won’t be friends anytime soon. But if it only bothers you because you feel guilty, then just forget about it. I don’t care anymore. Let’s say you’re forgiven or whatever,” he adds, barely managing to keep his voice calm.

Daphne is watching him with her eyes wide open and her chin wobbling. For a brief moment, Lucas wonders whether he wasn’t too harsh, but it all disappears when he thinks of all the months he was hurting because of what Daphne did.

Imane places her hand on Lucas’ forearm and he’s so grateful. Her touch is grounding.

“Be happy we haven’t told everyone. We are giving you a chance to at least slightly redeem yourself,” Imane says. She doesn’t let Daphne add anything as her grip on Lucas’ arm tightens and she starts dragging him in the opposite direction. Though, Daphne seems speechless anyway.

“But what about studying?” Lucas asks when she eventually lets go of him.

“Let’s get a cookie first,” Imane replies, trying to smile at him, but failing miserably.

Lucas purses his lips and sighs. “I’m so sorry. It’s my fault your friendship is so fucked up.”

She glares at him. “She did the bad thing. It’s not your fault, okay? None of it is. I can’t stand with her after that. I’m just upset.” She shrugs one of her shoulders.

Lucas opens his mouth to say something when his phone buzzes. Imane seems to be deep in thought so he decides to check the message.

When he sees who texted him, his heart flutters excitedly in his chest, Daphne forgotten.

can we meet tomorrow? i want to talk with you

Lucas quickly types out a response, agreeing to the meeting and locks his phone. God, it’s been so long since he last heard from Eliott.

Imane nudges him and when he sends her a quizzical look, she asks, “What are you grinning about?”

“It’s Eliott. He wants to meet with me,” Lucas says, feeling his cheeks hurt from how much he’s smiling. Huh, so that’s how it feels when you like someone and you’re aware of it? Crazy.

Mostly, he missed Eliott and was worried. So he supposes, there are more reasons for his excitation than only his crush. Eliott is his friend first and foremost. The romantic attraction is just an addition.

“How’s he?”

“We’ll find out,” Lucas says, wishing tomorrow could come sooner.

***

When Lucas approaches the gate, it’s already open. He only has to slightly push it forward and the abandoned park comes into sight. He enters the place and for a moment the time stills. He revels in the way the wind is blowing subtly at the leaves. Even the air feels different here.

Eliott told him to come and see him at the tunnel he once showed Lucas. Looking around, Lucas remembers how Eliott told him he’d never brought anyone here before. That Lucas was first and maybe, just maybe, it was one of the signs that Eliott liked him, but Lucas was completely blind to it. You don’t bring a random friend to a place that’s special to you.

Lucas’ palms get significantly sweatier as he comes closer to the tunnel. Eliott likes to come here when he wants to be alone and yet, he once again invited Lucas to join him. Perhaps he feels safer in these surroundings.

Lucas reaches the tunnel and it takes him a moment, but when he eventually notices Eliott sitting against one of the walls, he lets out a loud sigh. Eliott turns his head towards him and Lucas could swear he sees a shadow of a smile on his face.

Before saying anything, he takes his steps to Eliott and plops down next to him, brushing their shoulders in the process.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Eliott replies, his voice a little uncertain. “Sorry I dragged you here. I just had to get away from my flat or I’d have lost my mind,” he explains apologetically.

Lucas nudges him playfully in the side. “No need to be sorry. It’s okay. I like it here. I don’t care about the place as long as I get to see you,” he admits, glancing down at his lap. He shouldn’t be saying things like that.

Eliott only snorts under his nose and sags against the wall. He seems tired. If it weren’t for the darkness, Lucas would probably see the bags under his eyes.

“Anything happen when I was out?” Eliott asks. Lucas thinks for a long moment. He can’t really say that he finally realised his feelings for Eliott after like months. So he goes for the only other thing he can think of.

“I caught the blackmailer.”

Eliott gasps subtly. “Oh. Is that so?”

Lucas tells him the whole story. He’d expect himself to get tired by now, since he recalled those events to so many people, but with Eliott it’s fine. Like always.

“I guess fate decided it was the time.”

“I’ve been thinking the same thing,” Lucas says, glad that someone has finally seen his point.

What follows is a bit of a meaningless back and forth before Eliott asks the big question, “You’ve met Lucille, right?”

Lucas frowns. He isn’t very keen on talking about her, but he supposes it’s only the beginning of what Eliott wants to discuss. “Yeah.”

“It’s almost like she moved in with me. I hate that my parents told her to take care of me as if we didn’t break up. I can’t stand all of them. I know they mean well, but God seeing your ex without going through depression sucks enough,” Eliott rambles on, his voice monotone. “I already said that I’m feeling better, but no, of course, she still comes. At this rate I’m afraid she’s gonna ask to get back together,” he continues, letting his head slide to the side, right to Lucas’ shoulder. Lucas has probably uncomfortable shoulders, but it’s too late, Eliott is already propped up there.

“And will you? Get back together?” Lucas asks, anxious. Eliott shifts and Lucas can feel his eyes looking up at him.

“You know I won’t,” Eliott says calmly and the weight of his words makes Lucas realise just how close they are right now. “About that. I wanted to say sorry for being an asshole to you last time. I was all over the place. Embarrassed because of everything I did during, you know, being manic. I went out of my way to remind you of my feelings. It all just hit me and I lashed out on you. I was scared you’d hate me. So yeah, I’m sorry.” His voice is quiet, but in the tunnel, Lucas can hear every single word clearly. Eliott still seems scared. And ashamed.

“It’s okay. Nothing you did made me feel uncomfortable.” Quite the opposite. “And I could never hate you for that. Besides, I should have given you more time. You weren’t ready to talk, I can’t blame you for your reaction,” Lucas says reassuringly. All this time, he was angry at himself for overwhelming Eliott. There hasn’t even been a moment in which Lucas had considered thinking badly of Eliott.

“Yeah, but I’m bi– bipolar, not brainless. I should know when to shut up. It’s not an excuse to be a dick,” Eliott mutters and maybe he’s right. Maybe they both made some mistakes. It’s all in the past, though. “I just really wish you had found out in another way and not when it was out of my control,” he whispers and sighs.

“Then why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I wasn’t ready. I don’t like that part of myself. It’s hard for me to talk about and I didn’t want you to look at me differently. I was gonna tell you, but I kept putting it off because everything was so good and I finally felt happy. I thought that maybe… maybe it wouldn’t happen again,” Eliott says and nuzzles his face against Lucas’ shoulder. He seems so fucking sad. Lucas wishes he could do something to help him. Make him feel better.

“You stopped taking your meds,” Lucas states, remembering what Eliott’s parents said. He feels him nodding.

“I felt too happy,” Eliott admits. They sit there quietly for a few moments, both at a loss of words.

Lucas doesn’t really know what he could possibly say in this situation. He doesn’t think there is anything that he could think of. He’s never been good at that sort of stuff. And it doesn’t look like Eliott wants him to say anything. More like he wants him to listen and understand.

“Remember when I told you about everything that happened at my old school?” Lucas hums. “I skipped out on some things. I, um– I had my first episode back then. It was much worse than what you’ve seen. Yeah, I was in love with one of my best friends, but it got out because I kissed him in front of everyone when I was in the middle of being manic. He rejected me and then everything went to shit even more. I was losing it and people at my school were awful. I’ve done so many things. And after all that, I crashed. I crashed so badly I wouldn’t leave my room for weeks. I missed my exams because of that. And I…“ he pauses to take a deep inhale. He sounds choked up. “…I was so deep in that dark place I tried to… tried to kill myself.” Lucas’ breath hitches in his throat. He feels Eliott trembling against him. Lucas wants to tell him that he doesn’t have to go further, but Eliott isn’t finished yet.

“They saved me and then I spent over two months in a hospital. That’s when I got diagnosed. When I was out of there, about to repeat the year, some of my friends tried to reach out to me but I pushed them away. I wasn’t happy with Lucille. And as the first semester progressed, I had another episode. Less violent than the first one. After that, I decided to change schools. Start fresh and stop being regarded as crazy by everyone. I really hoped it’d be– it’d be different,” Eliott admits, his voice breaking halfway through. Lucas doesn’t look towards him, afraid that he might see him crying. He wouldn’t be able to hold back his own tears if that was the case.

“It is different. We won’t leave you. And no one at school knows,” Lucas says in hopes that it will make Eliott feel a tiny bit better. “Also don’t worry, we’re not going to start treating you like a toddler. But we’re going to support you and be there for you.” Lucas is sure of this. He’s not alone and he won’t Eliott be, either.” Thank you for telling me all of this. Thank you for… for trusting me enough.”

“Thank you for listening,” Eliott murmurs, a little bit strained. He’s fighting so hard not to break down right here, on Lucas and Lucas wishes there was a way for him to convey that it’s alright. That he doesn’t have to hide anymore. But he isn’t sure Eliott would appreciate that right now. He probably doesn’t want anyone pointing his weaknesses out. Not after everything that he’s been through lately. So this time, Lucas will let him be. Patience and baby steps.

He looks down again. Their hands are so close to one another. If only Lucas moved his a couple of centimetres to the left, he’d cover Eliott’s palm. He glances then at Eliott’s face and sees that he’s closed his eyes. He looks drained.

It’s not the time for Lucas to be daring. There will be another chance. They’re okay as they are.

***

Lucas keeps staring at the empty chair across from him. He knows it won’t magically make Eliott appear, but one can wish. Eliott still isn’t feeling well enough to come to school, but he said he might be back next week and that’s what Lucas is holding onto. It doesn’t change the fact that the table feels empty without him.

It’s funny to think that some time ago he’d feel overjoyed every time Eliott skipped school and there were only four of them. And now he’s moping. Oh, how the tables have turned. Lucas would even hope for Eliott not to come sometimes. Which, in perspective makes him feel guilty. Eliott tends to skip school on his bad days. So every time Lucas was happy that he had his friends all to himself, Eliott was being consumed by his own mind. Sweet.

Lucas sighs to himself, dragging a fork over his plate.

“Dude, it’s like the tenth time you sighed in the last few minutes,” Basile points out to which Lucas only shrugs.

“Let him be. He’s sulking,” Yann says, barking out a laugh. He’s the only one knowing about Lucas’ recent epiphany and the asshole is having great fun with it.

“Why are you sulking?” Arthur asks, poking Lucas in the forearm.

“Do you remember when you asked me whether I had a crush on Eliott?” Lucas mumbles under his nose.

Arthur nods, squinting his eyes. “Yeah?” Lucas looks at him pointedly and then Arthur gasps. “No way,” he lets out.

“Yes way,” Yann teases. Lucas scowls at him and kicks him under the table. Basile yelps and Lucas figures out he missed.

“How long? What?! When?!” Arthur exclaims and Lucas shushes him when too many people look their way.

“I don’t know how long. It hit me last week,” Lucas explains.

“Unbelievable,” Basile lets out, shaking his head. “All Eliott had to do was to have an episode. Bravo, Lucas, bravo.”

“Fuck you,” Lucas says, but there’s no bite in his voice. He knows he’s an idiot. In his defense, internalised homophobia is a bitch to deal with and repressing things is a way to go. He still has moments when he denies his feelings or thinks that he’s disgusting for liking Eliott. He doesn’t even want to think about the turmoil he’d be going through now if Eliott didn’t reciprocate this crush.

“And you know what’s even better? Eliott likes him back,” Yann singsongs with a shit-eating grin.

“He does?!” Basile asks in disbelief.

“He does,” Arthur simply states, unlocking his phone.

Lucas huffs. “First of all, don’t talk about this! It’s confidential and he isn’t even here. And second of all, you,” he points at Arthur who purses his lips into a thin line, “you knew?”

“Yes. I knew. Why do you think we kissed that one time? We were both sad because of our crushes and Eliott told me back then it was you,” he explains, scrolling down some website.

“Then why did you ask me if we were together?”

Arthur lets out an exasperated sigh. “Because he told me months ago, drunk. We never really talked about it again. You could have gotten together in the meantime.” He shrugs nonchalantly. Well, he does have a point. “There’s a party on Friday. Are we going?” Arthur changes the topic. He looks up at them expectantly.

They glance at one another and then collectively nod. It’s been some time since they last went to a party. And the other time they wanted to get some relax, it didn’t exactly work out.

Yann nudges Lucas in the elbow. “Do you think you could get Eliott to come?”

Well, he can try.

***

Lucas was pretty sure Eliott would immediately decline but turns out that convincing him to go with them was much easier than expected. Of course, he said he wouldn’t drink and would be there only for a short time, just to see all of them after almost two weeks. All of which Lucas understands.

They agreed that Lucas would come and pick him up before the party, since Eliott would feel too anxious to go by himself.

It’s a bit earlier than he was supposed to arrive, but Lucas thinks that Eliott will forgive him as he knocks on the door to his flat. It takes a good minute for the doorknob to move and the door to open. Lucas partly expects to see Lucille facing him so he lets out a breath of relief when it’s Eliott.

His hair is damp and his clothes are disheveled. He isn’t ready to go out yet and Lucas has enough decency to murmur, “Sorry for being this early,” before Eliott ushers him in.

“It’s fine. You can sit wherever I’ll go get ready,” Eliott says, sending his way a nervous smile.

Lucas watches him disappear in the direction of his bedroom. Eliott seems a bit shaky. Maybe he doesn’t really want to go to the party? But what can Lucas do, though? Eliott is a big boy and he won’t baby him. Lucas won’t act like Eliott’s parents and Lucille. After all, Eliott should know his limits.

With that in mind, Lucas goes to the living room and settles on the couch. He hears Eliott going around the flat, his steps loud in the silence of the walls.

Lucas looks out of the window and says, “Oh, fuck,” just as Eliott passes by the living room.

He sticks his head into the room, gazing at Lucas in confusion.

“It started raining,” Lucas mutters in the same exact moment a thunderbolt cuts through the sky.

When the loud thundering sound can be heard, they lock their eyes and Eliott says, “Fuck indeed.”

They smile at each other.

Lucas looks at Eliott since he finally has a clear sight of him and notices that his cheeks are a bit sunken and there sure are purple bags under his eyes. He is worn down and there is no beating around it.

“You don’t want to go to the party,” Lucas states instead of asking. Eliott sighs, looking down and it’s enough of an answer. The rain is rhythmically hitting the windows and it’s gradually getting darker. As yet another thunderbolt lights up the room, Lucas continues, “We could use it as an excuse and not go. We can hang out together at any other time.”

Eliott glances up at him, biting down on his bottom lip. “I’d like that,” he admits quietly.

Lucas grins towards him, feeling his heart racing. He likes this scenario better as well.

They both jump when there’s an especially loud clap of thunder and right after that the lights go out.

Lucas can only see the glint of Eliott’s eyes.

“Oh, great.” He chuckles nervously. There are a few seconds of silence and then Eliott turns the flashlight in his phone on. It doesn’t do much since they’re pretty much surrounded by darkness at this point, but it’s helpful either way.

Eliott moves towards the couch and then sits down next to Lucas. They stay in silence, letting the thunder outside fill it. It’s not exactly pleasant, considering the fact they keep flinching and jumping every few seconds. Lucas would really like to hold hands right now. But it’s not like he’s going to ask, right?

“I’m a bit scared,” he admits and feels Eliott turning his head towards him.

“Me too,” Eliott whispers when everything is lit up again.

Lucas hums thoughtfully. “Let’s play something so we can get distracted,” he suggests, breathing out evenly.

“Okay.”

“Truth or dare?”

“Sure,” Eliott agrees. “So what do you choose?”

Lucas is not about to do some things when it’s dark everywhere around them so he replies, “Truth.”

“Hmm. When was the last time you wet your pants?”

Lucas makes a face. “Come on, dude. Seriously?” He groans and closes his eyes. “I was fourteen. I was watching some dumb horror,” Lucas confesses. He doesn’t even remember what the movie was about, but it sure as fuck gave him a couple of sleepless nights. Eliott snorts. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Have you,” Lucas pauses, biting the inside of his cheek. “Have you ever been with a boy?” He can feel himself blushing as he says those words.

“Yeah, I have,” Eliott replies. He doesn’t say who or when it was, which is partly disappointing as it is relieving.

They take turns in asking each other questions throughout the thunder going on outside. Neither of them chooses dare, not wanting to move anywhere. They ask each other gross and mostly trivial questions. It’s not the time to go deeper, to unpack their traumas and they’re aware of that. They laugh and teases each other, and by the time the thunder is almost gone, they’ve moved so much closer to each other that their sides are touching. They don’t comment on the fact their hands are brushing and Eliott’s index finger keeps tracing the back of Lucas’ knuckles. Their words are hushed whispers and each time one of them says something, the other has to lean closer.

Something has shifted in the span of the last few minutes or hours; Lucas doesn’t really know how much time passed.

One wouldn’t consider asking someone whether they’ve ever eaten boogers romantic, but within the context, Lucas thinks it’s the most romantic setting he’s ever been in.

“Truth or dare?” Eliott asks, staring at the side of Lucas’ face.

Lucas turns his head for the first time ever since they’ve started this game. Their faces have never been this close.

“Truth,” he mouths, knowing that Eliott will hear him anyway.

Eliott gazes at him for a long moment, searching for something and he must find what he’s been looking for because he asks, “Do you like someone?”

Lucas swallows, his eyes falling down to Eliott’s mouth and quickly back up to his eyes. “Yeah,” he breathes out, shifting his body closer. “Truth or dare?”

Eliott looks over Lucas’ face and his index fingers move up to his wrist. “Dare.”

The only thing that Lucas can hear is the thump-thump of his heart. He parts his lips.

“Kiss me.”

***

5 MONTHS LATER

Lucas isn’t drunk. This time, he truly isn’t. He might have had a beer, but he isn’t looking forward to getting wasted any time soon.

He’s at a party, with his friends. He’s having fun and he doesn’t need unhealthy coping mechanisms to stay afloat.

The guys are talking about how they’ve been spending their summer. Yann mentions his part-time job, Arthur gushes about the girl he’s been flirting with and Basile recalls the two weeks his family spent in Greece. Lucas attentively listens to their words, dropping something from himself every few sentences.

His eyes keep straying over to Eliott, who’s standing in the corner of the room, chatting with Imane, but glancing time and time again towards Lucas.

A couple of months ago Lucas wouldn’t grin at a boy the way he does now. But a couple of months ago he didn’t have a boyfriend either.

The process of accepting, embracing his sexuality has been difficult. Trial and error, despite the support from everyone around and having started dating Eliott. It’s okay, though, because Lucas has learnt that he needs to do things slowly, be patient and gentle with himself. He’s currently in the best place he’s ever been. Things around him have changed and his way of thinking is far from the one he had in the past.

Lucas is healing. Sure, there are still nights he wakes up from nightmares of being beaten up or he can’t sleep altogether. He doesn’t have enough bravery to march in the Pride Parade, yet, but he hopes that next year he will find it in himself. There are moments he hates this part of himself and agonises over the fact he can’t change it.

Then again, there are times when he loves who he is becoming, loves being gay and lets himself enjoy the life he has.

It’s similar for Eliott. He wasn’t cured, there are still awful days he has to go through, they fight sometimes over stupid things. They work through their issues together, sometimes ending up hurting each other. But at the end of the day, it’s all worth it. Lucas can’t imagine anyone else by his side and no matter how many doubts he has, he knows Eliott feels the same.

Lucas’ struggles haven’t ended, but happiness isn’t out of reach. And he wouldn’t have made it without his mom or his a bit mismatched – and at times weird, Lucas thinks, as he watches Basile mix up the spicy sauce with his beer – family.

For the first time, it’s all looking up and Lucas wishes he could go back in time and tell himself that he wouldn’t be hurting forever. That he isn’t alone and everyone that’s caused him pain, would be punished. Tom and the boys that beat him up got what was coming for them, even though Lucas’ mom thinks it’s not enough. Lucas is simply glad his case wasn’t glossed over.

Imane leaves Eliott’s side when she’s called by Manon and Daphne and Lucas follows her with his gaze. Daphne has eventually come clean and initially, everyone pretty much resented her. Rightfully so. Lucas is still bitter at times, but he figured out there was no point in actively hating her so he just doesn’t care. The girls are still not so enthusiastically on board with her, but they haven’t abandoned her completely. Lucas is glad. It’s not like he wants her to have a miserable life. He’s not evil.

Lucas looks back towards Eliott who is now staring at him. Eliott cocks his eyebrow, his mouth stretched in a lazy smile. He nods his head towards the exit and winks at Lucas. Lucas rolls his eyes fondly and excuses himself from the guys.

He flips them off when they start wolf whistling as he approaches Eliott.

As Lucas is in front of him, Eliott reaches his hands to place them on his hips, but is stopped by Lucas’ fingers.

Lucas looks meaningfully towards the room full of people. “Let’s go outside, okay?” he suggests in a small voice to which Eliott only nods in understanding and grabs Lucas’ hand. He entwines their fingers as they leave the house the party is at.

Yeah, there are still some issues, bad moments and not everything has been magically fixed, but life is no longer hopeless and Lucas can finally say that there is a future for him. And maybe, for now, it’s enough.

#elu #elu fic #elu fanfic #skam france #skam france fic #skam france fanfic #lucas x eliott #eliott demaury #lucas lallemant

93 notes · View notes

potuzzz · 4 years

Text

I can’t fucking do this.

I can’t play this game.

I’m so tired.

I can’t do anything I want. I don’t even know what I want.

All I know is that anyone who’s ever given me a reason to smile feels infinitely far away right now, and I’m left with a cold, unforgiving world that values things that I simply cannot give.

I don’t even want to leave the cesspool, because of knowing there are people like me I’d leave behind. Fuck I think I just want to die. I think everybody just has to die. Thank God I believe in the immortal soul and a relatively good afterlife because if I didn’t I don’t know what the despair would do to me.

It’s so ugly. I cannot even look at it.

I was a knight, and I was stripped, and now, I do all the things I scoffed at. All the things I promised myself I would never do.

I’m just sitting here mindlessly fucking around on the same 3 websites, nothing is changing, I’m just melting my brain in hopes that it will dull some of this horrible feeling.

But this visceral feeling is deeper than that. It’s deeper than surface emotions. It’s in my fucking soul. my soul is on fire and thers nothing left on this world to put it out. theres nothing that brings mejoy. i dont care. even if something pops up right now that would make me feel better, it will be fucked. it will all exist for the wrong reasons. i cannot even, for example, hope to meet a random new friend, because i cannot make new friends. it has, tried-and-tested proved to be impossible. im too broken. my mind just doesnt function the same way. if they dont hate and reject me, i will hate and reject them. i will pour everything into a rose colored illusion i project, and be viscerally, cripplingly disappointed when i finally dare to remove the veil.

im slowly accepting the veil. i was told by so many powerful entities that i must not submit to apathy. but im sorry. im too high maintenance. i just cant do it. i cant do anything i promised of me. at least, i sincerely doubt it. i just cant. i cant change the world for better. i can even be nice anymore. i forgot how to be nice, “stop being nice” they said, “ you need ot take care of yourself. you need to fight back against this ugly world.” well now im ugly and i cant go back. i used to be naive and unjustifiably forgiving and cringey and annoying and unhealthily passive and pathetically submissive and i fought those things just to become the thing i hated. and now im turning into a young adult and my formative window is over. i cant change myself. i can only hope to get a fucking aneurysm from the stress of just being sober or of not actively participating in self destructive behavior. im so tired. let me destruct. let me go out in a blaze of glory, an explosion, dont let me die softly with a pathetic whimper before fading nonchalantly into the background, to be easily forgotten. what a curse.

just let me stop working, fuck. either let me be a sheep, a slave, a workhorse, trained to rationalize on my own accord how everythings okay and im the main character and its all gonna be good and cool, but dont fucking put me in this middle ground. dont leave me alone with the darkness and then make me hop back and forth back. this is dehumanizing. this is...this isn’t fair. if they came to hear me beg, they’ll be satisfied. allow me the small dignity. allow me this one fucking thing.

take it out of my hands. put me in a war. a big one. one where i can pretend that im doing something good, fighting for something bigger than myself. one where i have comraderie with people who i would easily hate in an other siutuiaton. youb know, bdy conditioning class in ghigh school was fucking great for this reason. all these shitty peole who would bully me, who would hold me in the loewst, cruelest form of contept, who would even continue this view of me at the beginning,w e all became equals through the trials of fire. imagine what bonding could be had over death and squallor and rage and intense, immeasurable, uunignorable suffering.

that’s the fuckign problem with the is world . all the suffering is way too damn weasy to ignore. death by a billion paper fcuts. slice me asuner with a fork of lightning, dont give me this undignified death. its cruel, pointlessly cruel. you lose nothing buy giving me somthoing dignified.

i cant even fucking sleep. i cant even have my own self for comfort, me versus the world baby. noep. its dead. i cant even talk to ymself. i cant even look at myself, as if ive done something wrong, when ive literally not done antyhting wrong, buefcause i havent done a fucking thing. i dont areif this is hyperbolic.

im so tired of saying the same words over and over

im so tired of seeing the same 5 different types of peopl,e

im so tired of being disappointed. show me something whimsical. something truly magical. something awe inspiring. terrigying. attack me in my dreams. rip my soul out its soft, comgfy shell, and thrust it into the sky, that visceral discomfort. am ai really a coward beause i didnt go sky diving or something? i dont know. am i ca cowrard because i stopped allowing myself...WHATEVERT THE FUCK WOULD HAPPEN IN MY DREAMS???? I DONT NOW!

blah blah blah wow noah this is going to be so useful in your brand building campaign wow hahaha youre so cool oure going to be famous boy! FAMOUS BOY! youre gong to be big and famous and universally olloved! everyone will be yor friend! eveerything woikll work out in the end. nbody you love will ever die or ever hate you. it all works onut in the end. it all works out in the end.your going to be GFAMOUS DUDE LAOL HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS ACTUALLY MAKING ME SMILE!

DUDE, FUCK YOU!

FUCK OFF!

FUCK OFF! FUCKI OFF!

WOW THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT FOR THE ALGORITHYM THIS IS GOING TO LOOK SO GOOD ON THE RATIOS AND THE METRICS AND THE RED LINE GO WEEEEEEEEEEEE EAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY THIS IS GOING TO LOOK SOOOOO GOOOOD ON YOIR PORTFOLIO WHERES YOUR PORTFOLIO CAN YOU LINK EM TO THE SONG DUDE YOU JUST GOT TO LNK ME TO YOUG MUSIC MAN!!!! IM SURE ITLL BE GREAT ILL LOVE IT :) :) :) O))IK

fuck YOU

WHY DO I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW LE ME STYA UP ALLLLLL NIGHT

ALLLLL NIGHT BABY THIS PATTY GOES ON ALLLLLLLL NIGHT

CAN I GET AN AMENE LOUDER FOR THE KIDS IN THE BACK

KIDS I N YOUR BACK ITS JUST THE KIDS IN YOUR BACK

YOU LL FEEL HOLY JUST HOLD STILL FOR THE

ahahhaahhaahahahahahahahahahahhahah

if you’ve killed yourself Your’e a Damn Hero a(TM) and im not nmade at you. not anymore. i used to be, sre, but now i get it. i fuckin get it my guy. how fucking 1st world of me to think you wouldn’t. honestly. its amazing uyou put up with what you did. you’re souch a good musiciain dude. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH an ARTISSSSTTTTEEEEEEE I GOT THE BIG BRAIN BIG THINK TIME MY FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT IM AN ARTISSSSSTTTTE

dont show your ASS FOR A SECOND OR THEYLL RIP YOU TO SHRED SBOY

just osme advice before the planks fdrtop

yeah just make sure you never do any of tis

dont hsow weakness for even a second

dont beg

dont you pathetic loser

just be happy

just make your life happyier

you know

they always this new bullshit ass looking way of things, the whole, “they killed themselves it woas outside of your control there is nothing theyhat you could have done it was doomed from the start they made the decision THEY made the decision

like literally fuck you dude. whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night.

you might just be a grain of sand, but a grain of sand is a lot more than 0/. i get to live every single day with my sin,s, they are variou s and many and oh boy they are GREAT. , if i may do say so myself. but i dont.

pause

more dirnk

*jeopardy song(

All i have is imagined scenarios. All i have is parasocial relationshiops. All i have is people im supposedly super close with that i feel a constant need to hide gfrom.

you don’t know me. and when i let the mask slip for a seocnd you are repulsed. fuck you.

i’d like...i liked to think it was because i was special. because i did omthing outside of the norm, that brought this...new thing that had to be contended with...HAD to be contended with...for the human speices to evolve. i was just a small LEOG brick in the gram dn sceneme of things, sure, but i was an actaual...i was a VESSEL. I was a VEHICLE>. now what am i. nothing. a waste of tiem.e a waste of love and anergy and resources. of hope. how dare you hope for me. you have no idea. luck is in not many people’s favor but i dont even have the money for the lottery tickets. i wouldnt even know how to read the numbers if i wanted to. i’d be too much of a prudish, self-centered, egotistical, unbearably annoying hipster to use the numbers even if i could read them, and i know this to my fucking core. it’s like i’d rather ...

FUCK THIS HALFWAY POINT

THE HALFWAY POINT BETWEEN SLEEPING AND AWAKENING IS HELL

AND I HAVE SETTLED PERMANENTLY ON IT

for why?

SPITE

I SWEAR TO GOD BECAUASE I CAN THINK OF NO OTHER RESOASN.

it doens’t matter.

i have to stop typing and go to bed.

and shut my eyes.

and sit in silence.

alone.

so alone.

and wait for sleep to take me.

and then wake up and flip burgers.

it has to happen. i cant stay up all night. i’ll fucking die tomorrw. i wish i could just stay uo all night.

amyabe i should? like i mean seriously, accelerationist based shit but like, maybe i just need to lose my job just to...rip the bandaid off.

everyone, im sorry if youre reaing this, i;m okay. im just in a rough spot. im sorry, please ignore this. im sorry.

#doubleups

5 notes · View notes