#and it's not clear that maleness means much to them besides familiarity and social power

[tyrannuspitch]

i'm reading this historical novel with a third gender character and like. i don't know how to feel about it. because obviously gender is personal and contextual and they will be operating within their own society's rules. but i feel like the author is keeping things so just-within-the-rules that it almost becomes like... a weird reluctance to engage with actual queerness? only with alternative norms? almost like. inventing new ways to be cis and then doing cisnormativity with them lmao

[holdmyowos]

Todoroki Family Reunion

A story about Dabi before he revealed himself to Endeavor.

There are two bad words so keep that in mind. Mild violence and action.

—————————————————————————

It was nearly Christmas. Fresh snow littered the ground around the houses, with little flakes of snow flittering downwards to join it's brethren on the earth.

Dabi stood outside the Todoroki household. Or, at least, where he thought the Todoroki's lived. He hadn't kept track of the family very well. Why should he? He hadn't thought he'd ever be paying them a visit, that's for sure. Not that he cared much about them. He had heard that Enji hardly ever was home, even during Christmas. That would make this reunion a lot easier.

"Come on Dabi! Hurry up. You promised me you would do this," Toga whined. Dabi rolled his eyes. "Uh, yea, with a knife at my throat... seriously Toga, sometimes you are a bit more than crazy. Besides, my social life is none of your business. How did you drag me here again?" The blond just gave him a wide smile. "You need to talk with them. It isn't their fault for what your dad did." Dad. The word sent chills down Dabi's spine. "My fath-..." He couldn't even bring himself to say that word. "Endeavor is no family to me. We both made that painfully clear the night I left that godforsaken house." He was lost in thought, of another time and another place. "Snap out of it or else I'll knock on the door myself." Toga backed into the shadows in front of the home, hiding herself from view.

He exhaled, his breath forming icy crystals in the air. It reminded him of his mom, and her ice quirk. In the freezing cold, he softly knocked on the door. A few seconds passed. Dabi turned around, starting to leave. "Oh well. Looks like they aren't here. Too bad guess we-" "Nuh-unh! Knock harder!" Toga shoved him back to the door. He sighed, and knocked harder. Another few seconds ticked by.  Dabi shuffled his  feet in the snow. He started feeling some anxiety. What if this was the wrong house? He didn't exactly have the best reputation. What if a hero lived here and saw him, the infamous Dabi from the League of Villains? Or worse, if Enji really was there?

The door opened and revealed a boy. He was a tall, teenage boy, with his hair split down the middle, two different colors. He had a burn down around one of his eyes. "Anything I can help you wi-?" The boy stared down at Dabi, noticing his burnt skin and tattered clothes. "It's a choice, kid," Dabi said, acknowledging his gaze. "Anyway, wrong address." Dabi turned around to leave, and Toga sighed from the shadows. A male voice behind the boy called out. "Who was that at the door?" Dabi kept walking away. "No one. Wrong address." The teen started closing the door. "Shoto? Natsuo? What's going on?" Dabi stopped in his tracks. That was his sister's voice, and his brother's name. He turned around, and knocked on the door again. Shoto, was that his name? He being there had thrown Dabi off, and he was surprised that even hero students got Christmas break. They had a few run ins with each other, but it was obvious that Shoto had not recognized him. Also, Dabi had never connected the strong U.A. student with his little brother, Enji's 'chosen child'. The more he thought about it, the more sense it had made. If he was a U.A. student, did that mean Shoto was trying to follow in Enji's footsteps? Dabi took a step away from the door. This family had him feeling all kinds of conflicted emotions. He decided he was going to leave when the door swung open.

Fuyumi come out of the door this time. "Let me guess, still wrong address?" She joked. "Still trying to decide," Dabi responded truthfully. Toga gave Dabi a thumbs up. "You seem familiar. Were we classmates or something?" Fuyumi questioned, tilting her head. "Something like that," Dabi replied, shivering. The young woman gasped. Dabi was sure she had figured out who he was, but he was wrong. "Where are my manners making you stand out there in the cold? Come on in." She stood aside for him to pass, motioning her hands for him to go inside. Reluctantly, he passed the threshold. Natsuo entered the room. "Excuse me, I have to borrow my sister here." He gave an apologetic smile towards Dabi, walking ushering her out of the room. As she was going, she called, "Please sit down, when I get back I'll have some tea for you!"

Dabi looked around. What a big, fancy, rich house. He couldn't  believe he used to live somewhere like this. The two in the other room started talking. Dabi overheard their 'private' conversation. "Fuyumi, what are you doing? You can't just go letting homeless people into our house! He'll steal stuff, and then he won't leave!" Dabi snickered. He didn't look that bad, did he? "I think he's a friend from elementary school," she replied. "Look, guys like him spell trouble for people like us. I know it's near Christmas, but really?" He stomped away angrily.

Dabi bent down and looked at a photo on an ornate dresser. It was the whole Todoroki family, all smiling. Enji, Mom, Fuyumi, Natsuo, Shoto, and Toya Todoroki. That was from a long time ago. Dabi pointed to Toya. His hair color was different back then. How things had changed. Why did he care? That whole photo was staged. Enji would have never allowed Shoto near the rest of the family.

Fuyumi entered the room with a tray of tea, looking slightly more wary of Dabi than before. "That's our older brother, Toya," she said, sadness filling her voice. "What happened to him?" Dabi had to ask. "One day he just... left. He was tired of... of the way our father treated us." She lowered her volume. "I think my father and him may have fought and, well, honestly Natsuo thinks... he thinks father may have burned him to death. And to be honest, I wouldn't put it past him. I mean if you were my childhood friend, I'm sure you already knew that. Anyway, such a bad thing to talk about with my guest! What brings you here?" "Umm..." Dabi struggled for a reason. "Just wondering..." Shoto walked in the room. Dabi's heart started pounding. Shoto looked at Dabi as if observing him, from head to toe. Hopefully, he won't recognize me, Dabi thought. "What ever happened to Mom?" Shoto tilted his head. "Who's mom?" He inquired. "O-oh your mom. That's her in the picture, right?" Dabi regretted coming here. They would find out who he was, and who he'd become, and hate him. Damn Toga!

"What did you say your name was again?" Shoto asked , catching on. "Actually, I never said." Dabi snapped back, standing up and spilling the tea Fuyumi had brought. "And I think I will be going now." The tension in the room was high. "Wait. I think I do know you." Shoto grabbed Dabi's arm in a quick action, knocking over the family picture, scattering glass all over the carpet. "Natsuo! He's with the villains! Help!" He shouted. Crap. He started trying to freeze Dabi in place, but Dabi jumped away from Shoto just in time. "What's got in on? Shoto why are you attacking him? He hasn't done anything wrong! Quit it he's my guest!" Fuyumi grabbed her brother Shoto, hugging him tight so he couldn't use his powers without accidentally getting her too. He apparently didn't have to hurt her, and used his ice powers anyway, shooting ice from his fingertips, freezing Dabi's leg. Natsuo showed up. There were too many people here. In a panic, Dabi shouted, "Toga!" And shot flames from his fingertips, melting the ice. Suddenly, the world was still. Everyone was silent. Except for Shoto, who was struggling against Fuyumi. She must have been really strong to keep that boy at bay. "What's wrong with you? He's a villain! He's Dabi, and he work with Toga, and Tomura Shigaraki, and the rest of the League of Villains! Don't just stand there Natsuo, help me!" He shouted. Instead, Natsuo helped Fuyumi restrain Shoto. Dabi backed away, towards the door. Blue flames still danced on his fingertips. "Back off, Shoto. Don't you know who that is? Look at his quirk for heaven's sake! His burns!"

Shoto's eyes widened in understanding, and he stopped wrestling with his siblings. Fuyumi reached out to Dabi and held his burnt arm. "T-Toya? I-is- could it possibly truly be you? What happened?" Dabi shrugged her hand off. "Enji made me like this. You thought he killed me? Well, he only killed the good half. The proof is written in my skin." Dabi opened the door, fire blazing around him, little bursts of blue anger and sadness, and slammed the door shut. "Come on Toga, let's get out of here." Dabi took off down the alleyway, happy for the snow, the small flakes cooling himself off. When Dabi was a safe distance from the house, he waited for Toga to catch up. "So, maybe not the best family reunion, but you tried, right?" Dabi walked by her side silently. Yea, I tried.

[jewlwpet]

Space Pirate Mito, overall impression

This is a shounen anime from 1999. It’s sci-fi, as you might expect from the name. It has a wacky sense of humor, an endearing cast of characters, a fascinating and unique storyline, and some deeply affecting emotional scenes. It also featured numerous LGBT elements, the execution of which was... so-so. Could’ve been much worse, but also could’ve been much better. I do think it tries to present a positive message, and it isn’t always effective, but it is certainly memorable. There are numerous things that could’ve been improved, but I think the show as-is has a lot of value mainly coming from its uniqueness.

If you live in the U.S., it’s available for free (both seasons) on youtube from Nozomi Entertainment, just like Revolutionary Girl Utena is. Season 1 is also on both Crunchyroll and Amazon Prime; I don’t know what other countries this applies to. Piracy sites have this show too, of course, so you have options regardless. It’s also available on DVD for a surprisingly reasonable price, 22.49 USD from rightstuf, and that’s if you get it new.

Here’s the synopsis I like best for season 1, the one from animenewsnetwork:

Mito isn't just another space pirate, she's a three foot tall childlike alien with enough guts to outshine a supernova. She's known as the galaxy's most dangerous pirate, a wanted criminal who destroys a dozen police space cruisers every day before breakfast. But all she really wants is to be called "Mom."

Incidentally, Mito is voiced by the late Tomoko Kawakami, who also voiced Utena Tenjou! This was shocking for me to learn; they sound nothing alike, which just shows the versatility of her talent.

Wikipedia gives the following synopsis:

The first series of the farcical sci-fi title mainly revolves around the small space pirate Mito and her fights with and flights from the galactic police force, as well as her relationship with her half-human Earthling son Aoi, initially largely ignorant of his mother's spacefaring life.

This is basically accurate; however, there’s also a complex and compelling story that begins to unfold in the later episodes.

It’s in the unravelling of this story that the show’s LGBT themes are first introduced. I’ll insert a readmore here, because this post is getting long, so I might as well cut off before getting into plot spoilers: But if any of you goes off to watch it based on the above, there is a high chance you’ll end up checking back here at some point to determine if it’s worth sticking with.

If you’ve watched Simoun--another LGBT-related series that I adore and appreciate for its originality despite some serious flaws--this’ll sound familiar to you.

For Mito’s species, “sex differentiation” happens once a person is 10,000 years old. It’s not something that happens by itself, though; it is undergone by “choice.” I’m putting that in quotation marks because it certainly isn’t a free decision. Children are allowed to be flexible with their gender presentation, but “growing up,” in the eyes of society, means to become either a man or a woman, by fixed, preset standards. Those who don’t are socially ostracized.

In Simoun, at least, if you have your heart set on one role or the other, you can be sure to get it. Here... it’s not really clear, it seems that there is no such guarantee (I’m not sure if it’s just random, or if it’s arranged by one’s parents). Hence, it’s easy to imagine why some would find such an event absolutely horrifying.

One of the characters has a backstory that involves resisting this; I was really impressed with how this was established, except for the fact that this character did happen to be a villain. However, he (the character is shown saying “I’m a boy! I’ve already been differentiated” in his backstory, so that’s what I’m going with) joins the heroes’ side in the second season and is never made to conform, nor are the show’s protagonists ever anything but respectful.

However. For plot reasons that really do make sense in context (...sort of. it’s still contrived), Aoi ends up having to undergo sexual differentiation even though Aoi had been following a human pattern of physiological development up to that point. Aoi has no control over the process, and when it ends, everyone is shocked to find that Aoi is now “a girl.”

...Well, the humans are shocked. The aliens mostly take it in stride.

Aoi is also queen of the galaxy now, because sometimes that just happens.

For the record, this all happens in the final episode of season 1. This means that we don’t get to see the initial period of Aoi adjusting to this new role. Ultimately, I think that’s probably a good thing because it leads to many of the usual uncomfortable tropes being glossed over, but it also limits our insight into Aoi’s thoughts and feelings about this, which is pretty important. There are some mixed messages.

Something decidedly Bad is the way that the viewers are clued in on what happened to Aoi, which is... a couple of girls accidentally seeing under Aoi’s clothes and being shocked... and then the teacher wanted to look, ugh. That’s as bad as it ever got but it’s Pretty Bad for sure.

Onto Aoi’s reaction.

This is going to require some context. What first happened was that Aoi’s body became impossible for the aliens’ machines to detect as male or female, which led Mito to realize and explain that Aoi must be going through Sex Differentiation now. Only, the one weapon that could defeat the villain requires the user to have undergone it and be recognizably one or the other. This was the villain’s plan all along; he did “experiments” on Aoi to induce this, not out of a desire to cause suffering but for pragmatic reasons which still sound extremely contrived (though I was pleased to find that season 2 actually addressed why the weapons were built like this, whose decision it was, who was benefiting from it and how).

Consequently, Mito was demanding that Aoi “become either a man or a woman immediately.” Because Aoi had no idea how to control the process, the decision was made for Aoi’s (female) love interest to kiss Aoi and potentially “turn him into a man.” The reason I’m bringing this up is because notably, Aoi is not necessarily very keen on this idea, saying, “What about my feelings?” But it happens, and even, annoyingly, works long enough for the weapon to be used. (Not gonna lie, I was totally hoping that the opposite would happen and this would be the catalyst for Aoi taking on her True Form as a lesbian. That would’ve been epic). That said, it doesn’t last, and s2 leaves absolutely no room for the idea that kissing girls is inherently a “male” thing, so I don’t consider it a big deal on the whole, just such a missed opportunity.

Mutsumi, Aoi’s love interest, said in the end that her feelings for Aoi were the same regardless of what happened, but then ruined it by adding “Besides, I’m sure I can turn him back into a man.” (Aoi had not said a single word this point; she just thought that was something she could decide on her own, ugh--Mutsumi has clearly gotten over this by season 2, though; it never comes up again). At this point Aoi ran away “to find a planet where I can become a man,” according to the note left behind. It’s very possible Aoi just wanted to escape from everyone’s incessant comments and questioning, but that’s only speculation on my part. The next thing we see is Aoi being crowned queen, appearing somewhat exasperated and resigned.

Now onto season 2! Things get better... a lot better. Season 2 has its own unique and compelling story arc, with a new, more powerful villain. But the first thing to talk about how it opens, with an OP that seems to show a typical romcom with a scifi twist, one that happens to be about two girls. I love it.

S1′s OP centers around Mito, with this one centering around Aoi; because of that, it doesn’t feel like “now that we have a Female Protagonist we must make it a Love Story.” Just in case that was on anyone’s mind.

What the song tells us about Aoi’s perspective is interesting, but it can be hard to connect it to what’s shown in the show itself. It starts out with the line, “I’m a happy but lonely girl,” and includes the line “Hey, can you understand a maiden’s heart?��� but Aoi certainly makes no such pronouncements withing the show (this would really make the show more comfortable to watch, because then it would certainly be Good and Right that everyone considers Aoi a girl now) and in my opinion would probably not feel comfortable doing so. I can imagine Aoi listening to a song like this and secretly strongly identifying, but that’s just speculation on my part.

I’m probably taking it more seriously than it was ever intended, but I will say, I don’t think it was made to be a mean-spirited joke. It doesn’t feel ironic. The visuals match the lyrics and melody rather than contrasting with them, and the upbeat tone is the same as that of the first OP. My best guess as to the motivation behind making it is that it’s to really bring the point home to the viewers that Aoi is a girl now and that that wasn’t just a silly joke ending to the first season but represented a major change in the status quo.

Early on in the season, Aoi has a dream about becoming a boy again and being with Mutsumi. If you want to believe the OP you could say that this is because Aoi feels that being with Mutsumi (romantically) would necessarily require being a boy. And this is a worry that Aoi canonically had, early on, but I think that most viewers would take the scene at face value and it might not be any deeper that that.

There was one other scene in the season that suggested Aoi would prefer to live as a boy, this one towards the end. In fact, Aoi shouts outright, “I would go back to being a guy if I could.” That said, the context is that a villain is torturing Aoi in an attempt to make that happen. Considering Aoi had already surrendered to that villain to save others (don’t worry, it all works out in the end), this could be as simple as “I would do what you wanted if I knew how.”

What I was hoping for, and what I think would have been awesome, is if at the end, Aoi would get a choice and would choose staying queen of the galaxy over becoming a man. Unfortunately, we didn’t get that. We do see that the experience has made Aoi a stronger person, more confident and expressive, and the show does end on a good note: The galaxy has been saved, and Aoi is free to be with the girl she loves, and looking as happy as in the OP for the first time ever, and has taken control of her life in general at last.

I didn’t mention this, but there’s another girl who has a huge crush on Aoi in season 2, and I was worried she’d be a “predatory lesbian” stereotype, but to my relief, this was not the case, and she ended up being one of my favorites.

She’s just like Nanami (from Utena--the director of this show actually directed Utena’s third ep, On The Night of the Ball) but openly gay and I LIVE for that. She has some great character development too.

[ttime42]

2018 Fic Roundup

This is a list of fics (in no particular order) I read last year. Many of these I finished. Some of them I started and didn't finish because it turned out they weren't for me. Others are rereads. Thanks to all the wonderful authors who fill fandom with life.

Watson's Folly by Diana Williams

John Watson, the new Earl of Saughton, is madly in love with the beautiful Mary Morstan. But he has returned from the Peninsular War to find his family on the brink of ruin and his ancestral home mortgaged to the hilt. He has little choice when he is introduced to Mycroft Holmes, a civil servant of apparently unlimited wealth and no social ambitions for himself - but with his eyes firmly fixed on a suitable match for his only brother, the unorthodox and irascible Omega Sherlock Holmes. Can John forget the woman he loved and find happiness with a man so very different from his lost love?

To the Sticking Place by blueink3

Renowned Shakespearean actor Sherlock Holmes has finally burned all of his bridges in the theatre industry save for his constant director, Greg Lestrade. John Watson has made a name for himself in the musical theatre circuit, but age and injury are working against him. Can they reinvent themselves for an all-male Macbeth without killing one another? 

The Yellow Poppies by SilentAuror

Sherlock is threatened and assaulted in the hospital immediately after having been shot in the heart, first by Mary, then by Magnussen. As he recovers at Baker Street with John and plans the attack on Appledore with Mycroft, he fights to work through the trauma caused by these two visits. Set during His Last Vow.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel

They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril.

They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear.

Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”  

Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods.

Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

The Sock Index by distantstarlight

John and Sherlock live at 221 B Baker Street. Everything is back to normal with the long-time friends....or is it? 

The Shop Boy by EventHorizon

Sometimes, taking care of Sherlock had its benefits...

The School Boy by EventHorizon

As Mycroft and Lestrade pursue their own relationship, Sherlock learns the meaning of friendship with the new boy in his school, John Watson.

The Science of Musicality by circ_bamboo

Classical musician AU: Sherlock is a professional solo violinist, and John is his new accompanist collaborator. They've got a recital in three months, and someone doesn't want them to do it.

The Riven Crown by The_Kingmaker

‘We may have won the battle, but I fear the war with winter is just beginning.’

The aftermath of war is no laughing matter. Those who died must be honoured, those who are wounded must be healed, and those who remain need food and clothing, peace and sanctuary. With Thorin's life hanging in the balance, it is up to Bilbo and the rest of the Company to rule the rag-tag remnants of Erebor in his place.

Then there is the matter of the gold...

Can Bilbo save both king and kingdom, or is Erebor destined to fall deeper into ruin?

The Men Who Talked Between the Words by Odamaki (locked to Ao3)

John expected to be a father some day; he expected to have the house, and the wife and the nice suburban job. Sherlock never expected to have children, in part because he never expected to make it past 30. As it turns out, you don't get a choice. Crammed into Baker Street with a baby, John struggles with single-parenthood and his own fears, while Sherlock treads the fine line between doing too little and saying too much.

The Guarded Secret by mycapeisplaid

After his war injury, John feels broken, small, and useless.  On a whim, he takes a position as a security guard of sorts at the gorgeous Holmes Hall in Yorkshire.  As it turns out, he is not as broken, small, or useless as he thinks.  A story of beauty and blossom, murder and mystery, loss and love. 

The Clash of Storm and Sea by QuinnAnderson

Music School AU. The first time John heard Sherlock play, he knew he was done for. Johnlock.

The Burning Heart by May_Shepard

When Sherlock dies, John Watson feels like his life is over too. He’s completely shut down, until Mark Morstan, a new nurse at John’s medical clinic, catches his attention, and helps him uncover the long buried truth of his attraction to men.

Although he’s certain he’ll never get over Sherlock, John plans to move on, and build a new life with Mark, unaware that Sherlock is not quite as dead as he appears, and that Mark is hiding secrets of his own.

The Bluest of Blue by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John

John Watson's 10th season as a Denali National Park Ranger was shaping up to look like all the years before.

Until a special team from Europe was flown into the Park for a summer-long wolf-tracking research project, and the head of that research team was wearing a perfectly tailored suit.

Gimme Shelter by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John

All John Watson wants is the feeling of a freshly waxed surfboard under his feet and the hot California sun baking down onto his back. To finally go pro in the newly formed world of professional surfing and leave the dark memories of his past behind him as he rips across the face of a towering blue barrel. To lounge beside the beach bonfire every evening with an ice cold beer tucked into the cool sand beside him and listen to Pink Floyd and the Doors while the saltwater dries in his sun bleached hair.

That's all he wants, that is, until the hot young phenom taking Oahu and the Hawaiian shores by storm steps up next to him in the sand in the second round of the 1976 International Surf Competition.

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada and ShinySherlock (locked to Ao3)

Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship's surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there's more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin' the eye, he has to choose--is it a pirate's life for him?

The Bells of King’s College by SilentAuror

It's only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths...

Summit Fever by J_Baillier

After graduating from medical school, John Watson followed his heart to the Himalayas. Ten years later, he's a haunted cynic working for his ex-lover's trekking and mountaineering company. Will leading an expedition to Annapurna I—the most lethal of all the world's highest mountains—shake John out of his reverie, and who is the mystery client added to the group at the last minute?

Share the Stars with You by EventHorizon

Set in Victorian times, we find Mycroft as a sedentary man of wealth and power and Greg as an explorer, a true man of action.  Given their opposite natures, could it be these two might actually achieve the one thing neither has ever thought possible - finding someone to love?

School for Scandal by rubberbird

Sherlock lusts from afar. John tries to fool himself.

Saving Sherlock Holmes by earlgreytea68

Sherlock Holmes, schoolboy. Yeah, that basically sums it up.

Performance in a Leading Role by Mad_Lori

Sherlock Holmes is an Oscar winner in the midst of a career slump. John Watson is an Everyman actor trapped in the rom-com ghetto. When they are cast as a gay couple in a new independent drama, will they surprise each other? Will their on-screen romance make its way into the real world?

Paradigm Shift by distantstarlight

Sherlock Holmes is the world's only consulting detective. He's also a virgin, and has staunchly remained that way. One night he's on a case like normal but he sees someone who after a single glance turns everything Sherlock thought he knew about himself completely around. Enter one John Watson, doctor, soldier....stripper?

In the Still of the Night by SilentAuror

As locals on the Northeastern coast begin to report UFO sightings, life at Baker Street becomes significantly awkward as John brings up his desire for more than friendship and Sherlock refuses him. They embark on the investigation from the confines of the tiny cottage Mycroft has rented for them, attempting to navigate both the clues of the case as well as their own inability to communicate...

In Search of a Word: A Symphony of First Times by queenfanfiction

There is a new concertmaster at the London Symphony, and John Watson is starting to fall a little bit in love with both the music and the man making it.

How Long? by TheBritishBourbon

Sherlock never got to jump off the roof of St. Barts, he never got the chance. Sherlock was abducted and held for 5 years, but now he has escaped. What awaits him as he returns to reality?

Every Star in the Sky Knows Your Name by Jaune_Chat

Mal's latest pair of passengers slowly reveals they have more of a connection to the crew than anyone would have thought, when Simon discovers that Sherlock and his sister had been in the same government program over a decade and a half apart. Sherlock's friend John, his rescuer and keeper, tells the crew the story of living a life on the run, something that is both less and more familiar than anyone expects.

Enigma by khorazir

It’s the autumn of 1941, war is raging in Europe, German U-boats are raiding Allied convoys in the Atlantic, the Luftwaffe is bombing English cities, and the cryptographers at Bletchley Park are working feverishly to decode their enemies' encrypted communications. One should consider this challenge and distraction enough for capricious codebreaker Sherlock Holmes. But the true enigmas are yet waiting to be deciphered: an unbreakable code, a strange murder, and the arrival of Surgeon Captain John H. Watson of the Royal Navy.

Electric Pink Hand Grenade by BeautifulFiction

"If Sherlock's brain is a hard drive, then these attacks are an electro-magnetic pulse." Sherlock Holmes does not do anything by half, not even a migraine. It falls to John to witness one of the greatest minds he has ever known tear itself apart, and he must do his best to help Sherlock pick up the pieces.

Butterbeer by green_violin_bow

One of very few students left at Hogwarts over the Christmas holiday, final-year Slytherin student Mycroft Holmes finds himself thrown together with Gryffindor Quidditch team captain Greg Lestrade. An unlikely friendship, but one that blossoms in the huge, mostly-empty castle.

Boyfriend Material by PoppyAlexander

Boston Brawlers' team captain John Watson longs for two things: a championship before he retires, and a boyfriend. Assigned to room with goaltender Sherlock Holmes--known around the league as both a genius and a "weird dude"--on Brawlers' roadtrips, John discovers the things they have in common that lead to an easy friendship and a convenient arrangement.

Slow-burn, adversaries-to-friends-to-lovers, romantic comedy.

Alternate Universe - Sports/Ice Hockey

Babylon by BeautifulFiction_FMA

Two years after retrieving his brother's body from the Gate of Truth Edward Elric is still paying the price. Will his debt ever be repaid, or will it finally cost him everything? (Originally published 2007 on fanfiction.net and livejournal)

An improbable love by slowroad

Sherlock is a famous violinist who is going through a bit of a slump. He's lonely and miserable. It has been three years since John was invalided home from Afghanistan. He's slowly getting his life together, but he's lonelier than he's ever been. And then, the the two of them meet… 

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore

Post Series 3. Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world ...and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee

Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab.

Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters?

{SPOILER: Of course not. That would be boring.}

Guarantee there will be drama. And explosions. And Will is gonna do something cocky and stupid. Really good chance for some zero-gravity boinking (bet ya didn't even know you needed that in your life).

Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off.

A Fold in the Universe by darkest_bird

Alpha Sherlock and Omega John are in a relationship. Prime Sherlock and Prime John are not. So what happens when a freak fold in the universe switches one John for the other?

[breyito]

Interruptions

Summary:  When Tony suddenly finds a coffee and a note waiting for him one morning, he thinks it's cute. When it starts happening every morning, he gets curious. And JARVIS won't help him, so... What is an Omega to do, except hire a former assasin/spy to help him out?

Pairing: James ‘Bucky’ Barnes/Tony Stark

Tags: Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics. Alpha Bucky. Omega Tony. Team as Family. First Kiss. 

Notes: Well. This is my first time writing/posting something not Stony/Stuckony. I am one step closer to becoming a Tony multishipper! Yay. Anyways, assignment for Winteriron Spring Fling (go check it out, the works are out!) for Iron Eyes over at A03, you can read it there if you want. First time writing A/B/O too, actually. This is the prompts I filled: 3. Tony has a secret admirer. He knows the person must live in the tower, because every morning there is a cute note on his favorite coffee mug. But even Jarvis doesn't want to help him out. Tony hires Bucky to catch the person sending him cute notes. Unaware that his secret admirer is Bucky. and 1. First kiss (Avengers Academy, MCU)

Without further due, the fic!

It was a depressing morning in New York. Rain was just pouring down the sky, and Tony would have seriously asked Thor if he had been dumped, had the god been in the Tower.  The engineer had wanted to sleep in, for once (he had even left the lab when JARVIS told him a rainstorm was approaching, because there’s nothing more soothing than sleeping with the sound of raindrops on your windows), but of course he couldn’t. He had a meeting with a company from Japan, which was interested in clean energy. Pepper had made sure his schedule was clear for it, and the Beta would kill him if he missed such an important meeting.

Hence the depressing morning: rain was to be enjoyed from the comfort of one’s bed, not stuck in traffic or listening to people talk about numbers for five hours straight.

Anyway, Tony was walking towards the kitchen, because he needed a double dose of caffeine, since no doubt the Alphas of the Japanese company would try his patience. It wasn’t his fault people still thought Omegas weren’t apt for business. Tony hated the archaic views some people still deferred to, when dealing with Omegas. Traditionalism was all well and good when it came to respecting one’s parents and respecting the origins of your culture and your religions and such; but when Alphas used it as an excuse to cut off a sector of the population from improving themselves? Yeah, that was a hard pass. And he just knew he would have to listen to at least one quip about his second-gender, no matter how many times he had proved his intelligence, power or ruthlessness. All Alphas were like that.

He stopped cold when he saw his favorite travel mug (aka the biggest one he owed and that was really big, because he had it custom made) filled to the brim with his favorite coffee combination, and a little sticky note on the cap besides the mug.

“Don’t let those assholes bother you. Enjoy the rain!”

Tony was puzzled, because while everyone in the team always knew when he was going to be unavailable (security protocols and all that), most of them didn’t care to learn about who he was meeting with (unless it was Stone or Bain or some mayor pest like those, because the Avengers Pack was very protective of their Omega with people that had harmed him before); because they knew he could handle almost everything by himself. He had done so for years, hell decades, before they showed up. But still, it was nice to know someone cared. He lifted the paper to his nose and inhaled. The note still had the faint traces of Alpha scent, fading as he smelled it.

Okay, maybe not all Alphas are like that, Tony thought, smiling a bit.

{---{---{---}---}---}

If it had been a one-off, Tony would have forgotten about it pretty quickly. But it kept happening. The notes were showing up every day (or at least every morning he went up to the communal kitchen and didn’t stay cooped up in the lab), each along with his favorite coffee already prepared,  just when he was going to enter the room. It was always boiling hot (like he liked it), which meant that this mystery coffee giver was aware of his movements. If the Omega didn’t feel so secure in his Tower, he would have been worried. But he knew that the access to the last ten floors of the building was restricted, which meant that the person doing this (and it was only ever one person, the scent hadn’t changed: Alpha, probably male) worked at the Tower, and JARVIS was extremely protective and made sure that the employees of SI were loyal, so it also meant that this person didn’t mean him harm.

The Alpha was probably trying to care for him, court him, perhaps? That was a bit ridiculous, to be honest. He was Tony Stark, he didn’t need to be courted or cared for. It also meant that his coffee-giver was old fashioned. But Tony was…intrigued, to say the least. It had been such a long time since he had encountered a mystery that didn’t come from science. And the fact that JARVIS kept num about this made it all the more enticing. If this Alpha had gained his AI’s approval, the Omega in him was definitely interested.

{---{---{---}---}---}

Tony had now bought a little wooden box to keep the notes in, because when he was in a bad mood and his children couldn’t cheer him up, the notes did. The first was probably still his favorite, but there were others that didn’t fail to make him laugh:

“Have fun revolutionizing the world today!”  There were several versions of this on the box.

A simple “You got this” the morning he had to present the new gear to the Armed Forces instead of the weapons they wanted.

“I’m sorry the world doesn’t remember your mother more, she must have been amazing. She raised you, after all. ” When the news started counting Howard’s greatest moments on his birthday, and marrying Maria wasn’t even mentioned.

“You are unique; don’t let anyone make you doubt that” After an article that made it look like his spot on the Avengers was due to his money and his ‘services as an Omega’ aka his ass.

“You can do everything they do, only ten times better” When the Japanese company decided to go on their own for the clean energy project.

“You looked lovely at the gala yesterday.” The morning after a fundraiser.

“Tony Stark is my favorite superhero.” When the profile Natasha had made in behalf of SHIELD became a topic of interest in many magazines, talk shows and social media. That day Tony had left the lab only for the note, not for the coffee.

“I admire that you don’t hide your scars. You shouldn’t, they show how strong you are.”

“I could listen to you talk about science all day, even if I don’t understand a lot about it.”

“I love the energy you pour into everything you do, but you are adorable when you are asleep.”

“I hope Dum-E doesn’t spray you with foam today.”

It was those last four that made him think. They were a lot more… personal, than the others.  The Alpha that was leaving these notes and preparing him coffee was obviously close to him, or at least to one of the Pack, or maybe even a part of his staff’s families. But just how close?

He wasn’t one to talk about his children so freely. Tony loved them, no matter what, but the adventures of Dum-E and the fire extinguisher was one he only ever shared with friends. It is possible they might have heard that story second handed, of course, but he didn’t think so.  

And JARVIS had protocols in place for when he fell asleep in Common areas (which was a semi-regular occurrence, because the scent of his Pack were familiar and made him feel safe and he could sleep easier); so not anyone could just walk in and see him in such a vulnerable moment (this protocol was also for the other residents, because you didn’t want to walk in and surprise a sleepy spy or a sleep-deprived Dr. Banner).

The Alpha attending the fundraiser meant that they were important, enough to warrant an invitation to the event. So it couldn’t be any of the cleaning staff, but the security, science and financial staff was still in. But the bit about ‘don’t understand a lot about it’ took the science staff off the table.  And that still didn’t account for any of the Avengers and their close ones. And JARVIS still wasn’t helping!

It was time to call in the big guns.

{---{---{---}---}---}

“You want me to what?” asked James, with a weird expression on his face.

“I want you to find the person that is making me coffee and leaving me notes.” Tony said again, crossing his arms. Being in the presence of the Alpha always made him nervous, because the other brunette was a fine specimen and Tony was only an Omega, damn it. He was sure that Natasha and Bruce (Rhodey did not count, because his honey-bear had know him for forever and that would be unfair) already knew about his crush on the other man. That’s why they always ended up together in galas and such, and why Steve mysteriously lost bets that meant he had to massage Sam or Natasha’s feet on movie nights (therefore forcing him to seat with them and only leaving the couch for Bucky and Tony’s to sit on).

“Why?” he asks “did this person send you rude notes?”

“What? No! This Alpha is really nice, actually. Their notes always made me smile.”

“Did he try to poison your coffee?”

“Of course not!! JARVIS would have had them arrested the first time if that was the case.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“There’s no problem!”

“So why do you want him-them, found?”

“Because I want to know who they are, that’s why!”

“But why ruin a good thing, if this is a good thing?”

“It is, it is a good thing. But I want to know who is doing all of this for me. If they are trying to woo me or if they are just nice or what do they want.” The brunette said, fuming.

“But-”

“Oh my god, Barnes. Will you help me out or not!?” Tony exploded. He felt embarrassed enough; he didn’t need this gorgeous Alpha to make him feel silly too, thank you very much. “I could ask Nat-”

“No! I mean, yes; yes, I will help you. Don’t get your panties in a twist, jeez.” The Alpha said, rolling his eyes. Still he seemed sketchy, somehow.

---{}---

In reality, James was sweating. Only his training prevented him from falling to his knees and begging for forgiveness right there in front of the Omega. He hadn’t thought his behavior was so…stalker-y.

Oh, god. Fucking hell. You are so busted, he thought. Tony is going to kick you out of the Tower when he finds out. Because when he didn’t bring him results, the genius was going to go to Natasha; and she wasn’t going to take long to find out it was him. If she didn’t know already.

James was aware that he was fidgeting, for God’s sake, and the Omega was giving him an speculative look. But then he shrugged and left the room.

The Alpha crumbled onto the floor, shaking.

What was he going to do now?

{---{---{---}---}---}

It seems that Tony’s plan had backfired on him, badly. It had been days and there hadn’t been any more coffe or notes or anything waiting for him in the kitchen. If it wasn’t for the notes on his wooden box, the Omega would have thought he had imagined the whole thing in a coffe-induced dream.

Still, he needed proof, so he went and searched for the footage. And while there wasn’t video evidence of who was leaving the coffe (JARVIS had obviously granted the person a few minutes every morning), he could see himself grab the mug and read the note over and over. That only made his resolve stronger. If this Alpha had managed to convince J of erasing the footage or disconecting the cameras, he needed to know who it was.

It was time for a visit to certain sniper. He wanted results. That’s what he was paying the man for (well, he hadn’t actually payed him, but whatever).

---{}---

“Red October! Where are you!?” the engineer yelled as soon as he got to the Alpha’s floor. He wasn’t on the living room or in the kitchen, so Tony started walking towards the hallway that led to the bedrooms. He found the soldier’s with the door open and walked right in.

“James Buchanan Barnes, you owe me some results-” he started, before stopping mid-sentence. The bedroom was empty. Tony turned and looked around to see if the man was maybe hiding behind something, but nop, nothing. So he sat on the bed and pulled out his StarkPhone and started checking his emails.

---{}---

Thirty minutes later, the Omega heard steps on the hallway, so he set aside his phone. When James entered the room he was surprised as hell, and that left Tony the opening he needed.

“Could you tell me what the what the fuck is happening? My coffee-gifter suddenly stops out of nowhere, right after I ask you to find out who they are and-” the brunette’s rant was cut short when James lowered his shoulders and looked down at the floor.

“It was me.” The Alpha interrumpted, voice low.

“What!?” Tony yelled, furious. James flinched. “What did you do to make them stop!? Threathen them? Beat them up? What-” the soldier suddenly looked up and interrupted again.

“No, nothing like that. I didn’t beat up anybody.”

“Then what-?”

“I was the one leaving the coffee. I was the one writing those notes. I was the one that asked JARVIS to tell me whenever you were going to the kitchen in the mornings. I-” James’ voice was filled with bitterness. The Omega’s eyes grew larger and larger with every sentence, until Tony could no longer keep himself from talking.

“Then why did you stop? Did you not…mean it?” he asked, confused. The Alpha looked so mad and laughed scornfully, looking down again.

“Because I didn’t realise I was being such a creep that you’d hire someone to find out who I was. I wanted to court you, to give you something that you needed and wanted, but apart from coffee I didn’t know what that was, so I tried to find a way. Look how that turned out.” he spat bitterly. “I swear I was just trying to provide for you, not making you feel insecure or stalked or-”

“I kinda liked the attention, to be honest.” Tony said, suddenly right in front of James. The Alpha startled and looked up, but then the Omega grabbed his jacket and pulled him down, smashing their mouths together. James had his eyes wide open for a few seconds, shocked. But then he let the tension drain out of his body and returned the kiss, grabbing Tony’s waist and pulling himcloser.

When the kiss ended and James opened his eyelids again, he found big brown eyes staring right into his own.  He cleared his troath, and smiled at the engineer.

“Does this mean…?” he asked, leaving the question open.

“This means I expect my coffee and my notes every morning.” Answered the Omega, then added “After I wake up with you by my side.” The Alpha laughed and winked, kissing the genius again.

[aegor-bamfsteel]

How do you think Rohanne’s perception of slavery changed from her time in Westeros? And how would the westerosi handle slavery during their exile?

Xen, could you go back to asking me which of the Great Bastards is ticklish? Because this is a hard one. It involves knowing about both Rohanne’s personality and background, of which we have no information. It also has me make assumptions about the history of Golden Company based on very scant information from A Dance with Dragons. For the first question, I will try to suggest some factors that may have contributed to Rohanne’s views of slavery, and how they may have changed in Westeros. For the second, I’m going to take what I assume about the character of the first generation of Westerosi exiles and compare it to information about the asoiaf-era Golden Company.

Question 1: How do you think Rohanne’s perception of slavery changed from her time in Westeros?

I think that Rohanne’s views on slavery before she got to Westeros were influenced by her:

Social status: We know very little about Rohanne’s background other than that the Archon was responsible for arranging her marriage, suggesting  that he was something like her paterfamilias or male head of house. As a high status woman in a city that lives off of the slave trade (so says Xaro Xhoan Daxos. I’m rolling my eyes at how unhistorical that a tiny island with no arable farmland has a population of 3 slaves for every 1 free person, but that’s the world building GRRM has created), she almost certainly came from a family who owned slaves. GRRM seems to base his slavery off of the ancient Roman model (it isn’t ethnically based, there doesn’t seem to be a ban on slaves reading/holding specific occupations, there is a reasonable chance of gaining one’s freedom), so if she were the lady of her household, she would have been responsible for tending to the basic needs of all of the slaves of her house—their food, clothing, physical health, and lodgings; even if she weren’t, her older female relatives would have taught her. Rohanne must have lived in a house mostly managed by slaves, and interacted with them on a personal level in her day-to-day life; would have been tutored by a slave in mathematics/science, her family accounts were seen to by a slave, her family’s agents were likely mostly slaves, and all the domestic chores were done by slaves. Perhaps she even had a personal maidservant from girlhood who slept beside her bed on a mat, as upper-class Roman women did. Due to her education, she may have developed a maternalistic attitude toward slaves, in which she considered it her moral duty to tend to her family’s dependents. However, she may not have necessarily considered them inherently inferior because…

Family background: Rohanne does not have any surname, let alone one with the Tyroshi-Valyrian “-is” suffix (Quaynis, Uhuris, Tumitis, Naharis), which might mean any number of things: that she was not of immediate Valyrian descent (likely, as the name “Rohanne" does not look or sound like any Valyrian names that we know, whereas the name “Kiera” is similar to the Lysene/Targaryen-Valyrian names Shiera and Shaera) or that her family was originally of a lower class that only recently reached the upper echelons of power (in Westeros if not in Tyrosh, a lack of a surname indicates smallfolk status; since Tyroshi culture is based on wealth rather than birth, those families which do have surnames could be Valyrian “old money,” although much reduced in circumstances). I don’t know if her lack of a surname definitely means that Rohanne’s family were originally slaves themselves; in Planetos, many ex-slaves don’t have surnames (though some like Rylona Rhee, Marq Mandrake, and Tumco Lho do have last names that belong to their own Ghiscari or Westerosi or Naathi culture, although these people were born free. If Rohanne’s ancestors were born slaves, they may not have surnames), but neither do most of the Myrish (close to Tyrosh, also many not of Valyrian descent). What it does mean is that she likely came from a “new money” family, and that doubtless had an effect on how she saw slaves. To clarify, the Valyrians believed themselves superior to all other peoples on the basis of blood, and many of their descendants (the Volantenes, the Lyseni, and the Targaryens) adopted the same attitude; Rohanne did not belong to this “in-group” and may have even faced passive-aggressive snubbing because of it, so she could have had a very different point of view on slavery than the “old money” families. Like many slaveowners who came from poor or even ex-slave backgrounds, she might have had the understanding that slaves were not enslaved because they were naturally morally/intellectually inferior, but were subjected to slavery through kidnapping or being born to a slave mother. The idea that slavery was a moral rather than an economic institution might have already seemed strange to her before her arrival in Westeros. 

After her arrival in Westeros and marriage to a Crownlands knight, Rohanne’s position on slavery may have further changed due to…

The Faith of the Seven: Daemon followed the Faith of the Seven, and while he did not spend a great deal of his time with septons, he was considered such an exceptional knight (who was required to take oaths based on each of the Seven) that his prowess was tied to the religious figure of the Warrior; whatever Yandel might say about his apathy to religion, he seems to have been bound up in Faith principles to a considerable degree. We don’t know whether or not Rohanne converted to the Seven before or during her marriage, as other interfaith marriages did not require the bride to convert (Catelyn Tully didn’t convert to worship of the Old Gods when she married Eddard Stark. In fact, he built her a sept for her worship, hired Septon Chayle as a librarian, and had Septa Mordane educate his daughters), although she may have done so to better integrate with the King’s Landing elite, especially due to the influx of septons in Daeron II’s court. If she did convert, she may have been taught that slavery was wrong on a moral basis, as all men belong to the Seven and owning them was to equate oneself to the divine (that was the argument of the 4th-century CE Christian bishop Gregory of Nysa, the only known abolitionist in antiquity). Even if she did not convert, the Faith was still present in her daily life because it was the religion of her husband, children (her daughters would have been educated by a Septa), smallfolk, and was centered in the nearby capital, so she would have been familiar with its teachings. Yet at the same time, her views on slavery might also have been influenced by…

The smallfolk: Tyrion Lannister observed that the smallfolk were similar to slaves because of the cruel treatment they suffered at the hands of their masters/lords with no hope for justice, but I believe the smallfolk have more rights than slaves. It seems that they were treated even better than serfs in at least one aspect; Brynden Rivers ordered them back to their lands following the Great Spring Sickness, indicating they had the right to move around and seek better employment as they wished. That leads into another point that gives smallfolk an advantage over being slaves: as primarily agricultural workers, smallfolk are spread out over a wider area and certainly don’t see their local lord on a day-to-day basis, whereas in tiny Tyrosh all of the slaves would have been familiar to their masters because everyone lives so close together. Rohanne may have even thought that the relationship between lord and smallfolk was rather distant for this reason, or she wondered why Daemon was not keeping his smallfolk close by in order to avoid potential rebellions. As she spent more time in Westeros, it may have occurred to her that the reason they didn’t rebel (and in fact raked their lives to pay tribute to him after his death) was because he was an honest man who made a fair liege; they had the freedom to follow him out of love, and were all the more loyal for it.  People are willing to fight for the preservation of that freedom. She could observe that the economic arguments for slavery she’d learned—that it was an integral part of the economy, that slaves would become lazy when freed, that fear of harsh punishments was needed to keep them obedient—just didn’t apply in this society. So I believe that Rohanne would have become less maternalistic toward her servants (as she now realized that they were capable of not causing trouble when independent) and may have come to see enslavement as a moral wrong due to the influence of the Seven/her family/her tenants (rather than just a “misfortune of circumstances”).

Question 2: How would the Westerosi handle slavery in their exile?

In the asoiaf era, the Golden Company disallows slaves from joining, calling themselves a “free brotherhood;” however, one of their prominent members is an ex-slave, Marq Mandrake (who has a hole in his cheek where his branding scar was), so they don’t appear to discriminate against men for having slave backgrounds. On the other hand, the Yunkish attempted to contract them by offering a “slave for every man in the company, ten for every officer, and a hundred choice maidens for the captain-commander” plus twice of what Myr would give them, so they obviously don’t have problems working for slaving cities. At the same time, it’s not made explicitly clear that the Company accepts slaves as a form of payment (Harry Strickland only pretended to think about the offer because he thought a blunt refusal would make their real plans too obvious); it would make more sense if they didn’t, since it’s said that they wear their wealth in gold and that their itinerant profession makes it hard to keep slaves. One could say that they have a sort of mercenary (heh) attitude toward slavery: they don’t mind if a slaver is willing to pay them to do a job, and they don’t care what a man’s background is as long as he is currently free, but don’t own slaves themselves for largely pragmatic reasons.

I assume that they felt differently in Aegor Rivers’ time; as many of Daemon I’s supporters were born in areas where the Faith has a greater presence (the Reach areas around Oldtown, the Riverlands close to the Crownlands where the Faith is centered, the Vale where the Andals first landed), and were loyal to the him in part because he embodied the knightly ideal of fairness and honor, they must have found the slavery reprehensible. Jon Connington’s words indicate that the grandfathers and fathers of the present members held more to Westerosi and Faith-inspired notions of chivalry and mercy than their descendants. Yet even by the asoiaf-era they still pay tribute to the legacy Aegor Rivers left behind, as breaking a contract is still seen as a stain upon the honor of the Company; it could be that the original members objected to slavery on moral grounds, but over time their prohibition became more pragmatic and a nod to tradition.

[justreadingfics]

Bad Match - Pt.1/?

Summary: Bucky and the Reader are set up on a date, but things don’t go as well as expected.  

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Word Count: 2605

Warnings: angst, self-loathing feelings, bad date, Bucky is kind of a jerk, swearing.

A/N: I’m not exactly happy with it, but I just couldn’t stare at the screen anymore. Thank you @imhereforbvcky  for your kind offer to help, giving me some of your time and teaching me so much about writing with just a few notes. You’re amazing.  

English is not my first language, so you’ll find grammar mistakes and nonsenses. Sorry!

Part 1/ Part 2/ Part 3/ Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

“Three months are already too long Y/N, it’s past time for you to move on, and when it comes to Bucky, he’s a really sweet guy once you get to know him, you’re gonna love the man, and he’s gonna love you too, trust me,” the strong-minded woman argued on the other side of the line.

“Ok…” you sighed with resignation, knowing there’s no win with Sharon Carter once she’d put something on her mind “I guess you have a point, I’ll be there”.

~~~

Lying on their shared bed, arms crossed behind his head, Steve observed his girlfriend sitting by the desk talking to you on the phone. When she hung up with a satisfied smile he knew she’d got what she wanted.

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” the Avenger told her with furrowed eyebrows while she was making herself comfortable again beside him laying one arm over his chest.

“Of course I do, they are great for each other.” She responded with the smug confidence that Steve so well knew and loved about her.

“I just don’t think Bucky is ready Shar, and wasn’t it Y/N that recently got out of a terrible relationship?” He tried to ponder with her.  

“Steve, honey, I know you worry a lot about Bucky, and you have your reasons, I get it. Yet, he’s been among us for over a year now. He’s doing so great working with the Avengers. I understand he’s still have some social skills matters to work on, but he’s been doing progress with therapy.” She tried to prove her point.

Steve looked down at his girlfriend “What about the Natasha situation?”

“That’s another reason. That ain’t gonna happen, not now, not never, she’s a different person than she was before and is head over heels for another man. Bucky has got to let go of this obsession with their past.” The blonde woman snorted her disapproval and continued. “He hasn’t been to a proper date yet, don’t you think there’s something missing? He needs someone good in his life, not just those meaningless shallow one-night stands he’s been going on.”

Steve opened his mouth to respond, but Sharon kept talking, circling her hand on his chest in a reassuring way “And as for Y/N, yes, she’s been in a horrible relationship, but she’s managed to put an end on it and deserves a second chance too. They are a good match, I have a feeling.”

“I still don’t know baby, are you really sticking with this?” The soldier insisted.

“Steve… sometimes even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself…”  

The Captain interrupted her, rolling his eyes “Ok ok ok, you don’t have to use the “you move” speech.” Giving her the giggles, he chuckled and put a kiss on the top of her head “I just hope you’re right on this one.”

“I am.” She concluded nuzzling into her boyfriend chest.

~~~

“Here it is, Miss,” you smiled at the waiter when he placed your second drink of the night on the table. You took another glance at the clock on the restaurant wall, 30 minutes…

You couldn’t believe that you were going to be stood up on your first date after your break up with Jeff. So much for being open to new possibilities.  At first you were reluctant to go along with Sharon’s idea, but then you started to think that she could be right. You had to move on from you self-pitying state and the sooner the better.

Flashbacks of the crappy last two years started playing in your mind. You had met Jeff at one of the CIA`s divisions in Europe, when you and Sharon started working there after the fall of SHIELD.  You didn’t know then, but he was the man that would break you into a million tiny self-hating pieces. Without once laying a finger on you he had the power to, with a word or just a look, make you feel unworthy, tiny, unlovable. There was always something that wasn’t good enough for him: your clothes weren’t that fashionable, your looks could be better, your hair should be longer and there was always someone than  you in any given aspect. That was your daily life with the man you started to believe you were lucky to have as partner and that loved you in spite of all of those flaws.

You only realized you were getting stuck in a vicious cycle of self-loathing when your friends, specially Sharon, practically punched some sense into you.

The break up didn’t happen on good terms, so you were glad in accepting SHIELD’s insistent offer to assume your position back after they were reactivated and rejoined forces with the Avengers. You moved countries and focused exclusively on work.

Your fall to an abyss of sad memories was interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat next to you. When you looked up, you weren’t expecting to see an ocean of blue eyes staring down at you with a questioning look.

“Oh h-hi, sorry I didn’t see you here” You stood up and, God knows why, leaned to greet him with a kiss on the cheek, only to be stopped with a preventative handshake. Blame it on your European times.

“Hi you must be Y/N, my name is Bucky.” He introduced himself and the soft rusky tone of his voice was the most alluring you had ever heard.

Like in a trance you practically moaned, “I know everything about you Bucky.” Listening to your own words and checking the startled expression on his face as he let go of your hand, you tried to correct yourself. “I-I mean, n-not everything, course not, you’re Bucky Barnes, Steve and Sharon’s friend, t-that’s what I know.” He raised one eyebrow and took his seat in front of yours.

What was the matter with you? You had met the guy for five seconds and suddenly became a stuttering mess? You took in his appearance and concluded that, even though you had seen pictures of him before (most of them with his Winter Soldier mask, since the media still craved for his troublesome past) you certainly weren’t ready for the real deal. He was absolutely gorgeous.

But that fact and the outrageously sexy low bun that was holding his brow locks didn’t stop you from realizing he hadn’t apologized for being 40 minutes late.

“How was the traffic, too crazy?” You questioned to give him the opportunity to redeem himself.

“No, not really” he responded nonchalantly, taking a look around the Indian place you had chosen. “Have you ordered anything yet?”

“Oh, I haven’t, I was waiting for you.”

“I hate Indian food, but go ahead, make your order.” He turned to the waiter already standing next to him and asked for a drink.

“Oh… I’m sorry, this is my favorite place, that’s is why I picked it, I didn’t know… we can go… somewhere else…” You were so flustered that you could feel your whole body burning, starting in your cheeks that probably were showing a deep shade of pink now.

“No, no, don’t worry Doll, I’m a drink kind of guy anyway… So tell me, how long have you been friends with Sharon?”

The use of the nickname and the whole embarrassing events so far got you rambling non-stop. You never ordered your food and kept talking about your childhood, your job, Donald Trump, the lack of male nudity on Game of Thrones… Every single thought that came across your mind was spilled at an impassive Bucky.

When your mouth went dry of talking and not a word had come out of Bucky’s plump lips you excused yourself to the toilet, taking your purse with you.

Inside the small room, you took a deep breath and, while staring at the mirror to retouch your lipstick, you wondered when everything had started to go to shit. Maybe you weren’t ready after all…

Walking back towards the table, you decided to give it another try, start over and maybe have a pleasant rest of night with your date. You glimpsed Bucky by his back talking on his cellphone and the sound of your name made you stop close enough to overhear the conversation.

“What can I tell you Steve? Jesus, she won’t stop talking… And I don’t understand half of the things she’s saying. I can’t see why you and Sharon insisted on this dating thing… Besides, you were wrong… Not for a minute I was able to get Natasha out of my head… Y/N’s got nothing on her, she is not slightly as amazing as Nat…”

You felt your stomach drop to the floor and your heart sank. Bucky kept talking, but there was a buzz in your ears, loud enough to drown out every other sound around you. The restaurant and everything else transformed into a very familiar scenario. It was like Jeff was by your side all over again and his unwanted voice in your mind was reminding you of how distasteful, insignificant and unlovable you were. Your hands started shaking and tears were forming in your eyes, that was the signal you needed to turn around and leave as fast as you could. No goodbyes. You never wanted to see Bucky Barnes in your life again.

~~~

When you got to your bedroom after the longest cab ride in your life, your attention was caught by the pathetic form in front of the mirror on your wall. You knew that the woman he was comparing you with was THE Natasha Romanoff, the sexiest spy alive whose seductiveness haunted you poor hard worker mortals who were trying to make a living in the secret agent’s business. How could he even make the comparison when clearly there was none. You were average, tops. Flat where you should be curvy and curvy where you should be flat.

Someone could think that you’d be able to beat you lousy sex-appeal by a dashing interesting personality, but this someone would be wrong. If you had doubts about it, the last few moments with Bucky had dismissed them all, he was pretty clear about how unpleasant your company had been… Not slightly as amazing…

Knowing that you were going down a road too familiar for your taste, you attempted to dismiss all those self-hatred thoughts off of your mind by trying to get some sleep, hoping to dream a sweet dream that would make you forget all about that night. So you took off the dress you’d bought for the occasion and left it on the floor, found some energy in you to remove the full face makeup and brushed your teeth before diving into your bed, putting on some pjs was too much to ask of you at that moment.  

 ~~~

Your alarm rang and it felt like it had been 5 minutes since you finally conquered slumber. You groaned at the sound and the prospect of getting up to face the day ahead. Your half-asleep mind immediately drifted to the night before. Something you were so desperately trying to keep dormant inside you had awakened. The wounds on your self-esteem were too fresh and those words had hit them like a punch.

Despite the desire to keep drowned in your fort of blankets,  you couldn’t skip work. You had a meeting with The Man himself, Nick Fury. You had no idea what it would be about, you were warned by his secretary the day before.

You shook away your thoughts about the date with Bucky and got off the bed.  You had much more important things to worry about and focus on. At least you wouldn’t have to see him again, as the SHIELD’S operating base wasn’t located at the Avengers’ Tower.

Not much time passed before you were ready to go to work, after all it wasn’t that hard to choose an outfit from a wardrobe of grey suits. On your commute to SHIELD’s headquarters you remembered to take a look on your phone. 5 missed calls from Sharon. …he’s a really sweet guy once you get to know him, you’re gonna love the man … You mimic her voice in your head and memorized an entire speech of curses to deliver to the blonde for when you meet her again.

Once inside the building you already felt a little better. Work was your whole life, especially now, you loved what you did and felt appreciated and wanted there. You went straight to the big boss’s office, feeling nervous about whatever the infamous Nicky Fury wanted to talk to you.

“Hi Y/N, how are you today?” Maria Hill greeted you, putting an arm around your shoulder, guiding you to the adjacent room of the large office.

“Hi Maria, a little anxious for whatever this means, any clues?” she gave you a squeeze on your shoulder and smiled at you, but another voice responded:

“Miss Y/L/N, you’re here because I have a proposition for you.” It was the SHIELD’S director, using his well-known straightforward style.

“Tony Stark has contacted me and asked for the name, and I quote, of the most badass spy I could provide him.” Having an idea of where that conversation was heading, but not allowing yourself to fully believe it, you kept a dumbfounded stare at your boss in front of you, waiting for the outcome.

“So, Miss Y/L/N, how would you fancy a position on the Avengers’ team?” The weakness in your knees and the sweat leaking out of your pores must had been pretty evident, since Maria Hill placed her hand on the low of your back, in a support attempt.

“Oh my God sir, it’s such an honor…” your tremulous voice was interrupted by Fury, clearly in a hurry:  

“Good, you’re being transferred today to the Avengers compound, Maria will help you with paperwork and everything else that will be necessary for your relocation…”  He talked in a monotone, gathering some papers on the desk he was standing by, apparently oblivious by the rush of adrenaline that was swelling down your whole body. Suddenly  Maria’s support didn’t seem enough to prevent you from falling, so you gripped one hand on the desk chair in front of you, biting your lower lip so you wouldn’t let out the scream taking place in your mind. You had never thought something like that would happen, but now that it was a reality you felt like you had dreamed about it your whole life.

“You’ll go through evaluations and training for some time and then it will be decided if you really have what it takes to be an Avenger…” I’m going to be a fucking Avenger, bitch. You were trying to maintain some posture and conceal your excitement by listening carefully to the instructions that would change your life.

“Your main tutor for the starting process will give you the guidelines and other details, he’s most likely now waiting for you at the compound. You’ve already had the chance to meet Sgt. James Barnes, haven’t you?”

And just like that you went straight to the floor from cloud 9. FUCK.

End of part 1. 

Part 2 

So? Feedbacks? 

[thismanateelovestowrite]

Blue: Pt.18

Previous part: [Pt.17] 

Warnings for this part: none

Yuna’s POV

I stood still in front of the big window that was making it possible for the room to drown in sunlight. The sky was free from any clouds that could have covered up the bright sun. The color of the sky irritated me. I felt sick watching the bright blue, cloud-free sky.

“Don’t even think about escaping through that window while I’m gone,” Hoseok’s voice stated and I lazily turned around.

The male stood in the hallway, getting ready to leave. His expression was the same usual: cold and nonchalant.

“I make no promises,” I dryly said.

He wasn’t amused, as usual. I observed his movements and expressions. Everything he did was just so different from what I was used to.

“Is she still sane?” I asked, quite nonchalantly.

He stopped and looked over his shoulder. “_____?”

I nodded.

He let out a soft sigh. “I don’t know. She’s been sleeping, or trying to sleep, since we brought her back. Minhyuk is quite persistent on making sure she doesn’t lose herself in the middle of all this bullshit.”

I never really cared about the girl but since she had always been important to Eunkyung, I hadn’t dared to let go of her. Besides, she was, in a way, one of the only pieces of Eunkyung I had left. It was like she was a book. A book filled with stories, ones that I hadn’t heard yet, about her. I was never one to burn books.

“I’m going,” Hoseok said before walking out of the door.

I was too lazy to even sigh. The floor seemed comfortable enough so I sat down and leaned on the wall under the big window.

“Were we always like this?”

To pass time, I had started talking to myself. Being inside all day by yourself really had aftereffects on me. At least I could now say I had a hobby if someone ever asked.

My hobby is talking to myself about the stupidest of things.

“Were we really always so nonchalant? I don’t think so.”

***

I hate to be the one to drag you down a memory lane but no can do. It’s the only way to explain.

Everyone was happy at six years old, right? I know I was. Life was fun back then, exciting even. School hadn’t become the main source of stress in my life yet, learning felt rewarding back then. I was never a social butterfly but I was a chatterbox around my friends. Especially my closest ones.

“The three musketeers,” I snorted with a smirk, reminiscing about my old squad.

I had a friend around three years older than me. He was always like a big brother to me. That’s how close we were. We did everything together since my birth and I spent a lot more time with him than I did with my parents. I never lived a day without him. We were always inseparable. Like we had been glued together.

“Brother…”

Hoseok always had my side. When I was confused with my sexuality, he supported me and helped me overcome my parents’ disappointment and anger. His disappearance, his change, showed me off the path to a good life. Everything went downhill after he disappeared with no explanation. He left behind nothing, not a single clue about where he could have gone. Sure, his behavior had been weird for some time but his disappearance came as a shock to me.

“If only I knew what went wrong. Maybe I could give Hajoon an explanation.”

 Hajoon, oh, Hajoon. The adorable youngest member of our small squad. Without doubt, also the sweetest person anyone could ever meet. Almost like a little brother to me. He was the kind of person who would always be there to cheer me up when I was feeling down. Not that he was jokes only, no, he had a lot in his mind and heart. A lot of worries, a lot of darkness. Still, he never became like me and Hoseok; a blue-blooded weirdo. For that, I thank the heavens.

“That dork,” I couldn’t keep my smile away while thinking about him.

The fact that Hajoon was Eunkyung’s coworker really was just a pure coincidence even though it seemed unbelievable. We met a few times but only greeted each other with small smiles and carried on with our lives. Hoseok’s disappearance really ripped us all apart. We grew distant over time.

“The three of us running around the neighborhood, pissing off everyone with our loud laughter… I miss that.”

I had always been quite shy around girls, maybe because they always made me nervous. I didn’t have many close female friends growing up. Hoseok and Hajoon were the only close friends I needed. They were my brothers and they were the best friends one could ask for. When I had a hard time trying to figure out who I really was they were there for me unlike my parents or anyone else for that matter.

***

An hour or two would quickly pass by while I talked to myself. Before I even knew it, Hoseok’s footsteps returned and filled the apartment with their familiar sound. I listened to them with my eyes closed while leaning on the wall behind me lazily.

“Still breathing?” the guy’s voice asked.

“Still breathing,” I answered shortly.

A silence followed. Slowly, I opened my eyes to look at him.

His features were still the same. The handsome face that had had everyone running after him was still there. The well-built body that had kept my bullies away was still there. The only thing missing was his bubbly, sweet personality. The only thing that made him, him, was gone.

“What’s your weakness?” I asked quite nonchalantly and he turned his head. “You’ve never talked about it.”

“Well, what did you expect?” he said.

“What is it? Have you not discovered it yet?” I ignored his statement.

No matter how many times I look at those icy eyes I still can’t seem to get used to them…

“I have,” he calmly answered. “It’s my friends.”

I almost gave a laugh. “How not surprising.”

“What do you mean?” he asked and frowned in confusion.

“It’s nothing,” I avoided the topic.

I honestly did not expect anything else… You’re still the same… Deep under that thick cover, I guess.

***

Kihyun’s POV

I really wanted to make the sun disappear from the sky. It was so irritating that I almost started yelling at it in the middle of the park. Almost. But I didn’t. Not that I was in any way worried of people hearing me. No, I was just too lazy to yell. I wasn’t exactly in the mood for it.

Trying hard not to go crazy, I lifted my gaze. The woman who had been my nuisance for the past six years was playing with her five-year-old daughter. I really wanted to just ditch them and go die in a hole somewhere but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Watching them was hypnotizing in its own way even though I mostly thought it was a nuisance.

“Mom look!” the small girl yelled with an annoying voice. “A butterfly!” The woman gave her daughter a smile that I had already seen a lot. She was a happy human. For the most part. She chuckled when the girl started running after the flying bug.

I wanted to curse when I noticed she was heading towards the tree I was standing under.

Great choice of direction, butterfly.

Not finding the thought of her running into me pleasant, I moved to my right. If she kept her direction, she would hit the tree trunk. A win for me. Except that she liked to be an annoying little girl and decided to move at the last second. She collided with me, making my cover disappear.

“Oh?” she looked up at me with wide eyes. “You’re here again Mr. Nightmare?” she asked with an annoyingly happy and innocent smile.

“You aren’t supposed to be happy to see me,” I growled and disappeared from her sight.

“I know you’re still here,” she chuckled and followed me around the tree. “I can’t see you but you’re still here, right?”

“Bona?” her mother called her name, ending our ridiculous chasing game. “What are you doing there?”

The girl looked in my direction despite my invisibility and then gave me a small smile before hopping over to her mother. “There was a squirrel in the tree,” she lied.

I didn’t know why I was being harassed by that human. Every time I was there to babysit her mother, she somehow managed to spot me. It was almost as if she sensed my presence or something. But that wasn’t possible, obviously. Humans didn’t have that kind of powers.

It wasn’t only the fact that she always noticed me that irritated me. She had also given me a freaking name which was infuriating. What irritated me even more though was the fact that that brat always lied to her mother about me. I felt like she was making fun of me. It made it clear that she didn’t mind me.

I looked how the two started walking away, holding hands and laughing at something. I almost wanted to snort but didn’t want to waste any energy on doing so, so I just started walking away with a sour expression.

Humans were what I liked to call the root of all evil. They were the reason I was what I was. Their greed and stupidity were infuriating. I never had too much trouble fitting in the X Clan. They were just like me; wounded and full of hate. The only thing that I was ever hesitant about was actually killing humans. I never wanted to be a part of that side of the clan.

I had my reasons, just like everyone else in the clan. None of them were there just because they felt like it. There was always a story behind a member of that complex organization. Mine?

There used to be a time when I was happy. A time when I had a source of happiness. A time when I had an actual reason to live. A time when I still had my weakness.

A friend. A very close one. That’s what it ever was. A friendship. One that suffered a tragic and infuriating end.

Shortly after I had changed I found a friend. He was a brother to me. We just connected in a way no one else did. We really made each other laugh and time passed by too quickly when we were together. No amount of time would ever give me enough time with him. He was my source of true happiness. I loved him from the bottom of my heart. He was my best friend.

He was the reason I started hating humans. Because of what happened to him, I joined the X Clan. What happened to him, you ask? The thing anyone could guess. The story is very predictable.

He didn’t show up at our usual hanging place, at the old park near the river that divided the city in half. It wasn’t like him. Nothing like that had ever happened before. We had always met on Wednesday evenings. But that Wednesday we didn’t. It wasn’t his fault though.

Turns out he had been “captured” by humans. I never found out how it all went down but I knew it probably was caused by some sort of an accident. They must have seen his blood and taken him to a laboratory or something to run tests on him. That eventually killed him. Tests. They ended up draining out all the blood in him. He was killed by humans’ curiosity and carelessness. He had been killed because his blood was blue. He had been killed by the people who made his blood like that. It really tested my nerves because they saw him, their creation, as a threat.

After losing happiness in my life, I joined the X Clan. Maybe I did it to get my thoughts away from him. Maybe I did it to take revenge. The reason was unclear even for me. What was clear though was that my days with the Clan were a very shady, dark time for me. If it hadn’t been for the six others I would have become something very different by now. The thought gives me shivers.

Affection is an illusion. That’s what I think about when I see people caring for each other. I used to understand it a long time ago but not anymore. Losing my source of happiness did that to me.

***

Meanwhile…

You flinched awake. It was almost like you had been underwater for too long, you were gasping for air. Your lungs hurt.

You struggled to sit up while still gasping for oxygen. Your body ached in enough places to say that your body felt like it was broken everywhere.

When your breathing started to calm down you finally looked at your surroundings. White walls and natural light surrounded you. The environment was very different from the nightmare you had been trapped inside. When you looked to your left, you saw a window surprisingly familiar.

“Are you okay?” you flinched at the suddenness of Minhyuk’s voice.

His face was expressionless but his tone had sounded concerned.

You opened your mouth to speak but no sound came out. You felt the air flow in your throat but nothing could be heard.

“It’s okay, don’t force yourself,” Minhyuk said calmly and walked over to the bed where you were sitting. “I’m honestly not the least bit surprised. After all that running in the cold, wet forest it was only a matter of time until you caught a cold.”

Now that you thought about it, your throat did feel sore. You hadn’t paid attention on it thanks to all the other pain you were experiencing.

There was a silence. You felt slightly frustrated for not being able to talk.

“It’s Friday,” he told you. “It has been three days.”

It felt like one…

The room felt comforting. It was very familiar and yet somehow, in a weird way, it seemed unfamiliar. Maybe it was the fact that you hadn’t been there for a long time. Where? Home.

“A lot of people have visited,” Minhyuk broke the brief silence and earned a confused look from you with his statement.

“Your mother, for example,” his voice was weird and your eyes widened in surprise at the news. “She was really worried. She told me that she had almost reported you missing after you hadn’t answered her calls. She said that she would have gone to the police if you hadn’t been home.”

You kept looking at him, eager but also anxious to know how their meeting without you had been.

“I told her that we went on a camping trip and got lost after our phones ran out of battery.”

You pointed at yourself and then at him with raised eyebrows.

The two of us? Camping?

He just nodded.  

“At first she was really suspicious about me. After I let her in and let her come see you, she slowly started to believe me. I lied to her that we were coworkers and friends. Unlike I had expected, she actually seemed quite pleasantly surprised when I told her how much time we spend together.”

You furrowed your eyebrows slightly.

“She smiled and said she ships it,” he calmly worded and you were surprised and weirded out. “I didn’t understand so I just gave her a smile.”

You really wanted to yell at him a little - a lot, actually - but instead just crawled to the edge of the bed and attempted to get up to go over to him and shake him roughly. You ended up on the floor instead, as a result of you falling over the edge thanks to your hurried actions.

He came to help you up but you ignored his helping hand. Instead, you grabbed his arms and started shaking him quite roughly, frustrated and somewhat embarrassed. He looked extremely confused.

“Why are you acting like this?” he asked, oblivious.

Now she thinks we have something going on between us!

You felt embarrassed and shy. For whatever reason. Maybe it was the thought that when he found out about what it meant he would be disgusted. Or maybe the thought of you two being together like that was just too much for you to handle. It gave you mixed feelings.

“Are you okay?” he questioned after you had calmed down.

You just hung your head low and tried to collect your thoughts.

“______?” This shirt…

Your heart skipped a beat and you froze. There was no doubt that your face was already red. Slowly, you looked up and at him. He looked innocent as ever.

“What is it?” he asked.

For some reason, you felt both shy and angry. The thought of him changing your clothes was just straight up disturbing.

“Why are you so red?” he kept the innocent look on his face.

You pointed at the shirt on you, which happened to be one of Minhyuk’s. He looked at it and then at you. His expression didn’t change.

“What?” Not being able to talk really frustrated you and your actions were bigger and more aggressive the second time you pointed at the shirt on you.

“The shirt?”

You nodded.

“What about it?”

With somewhat angry actions, you pointed at him.

“Yeah, it’s my shirt,” his answer infuriated you.

You continued to point at the shirt and then at him, going back and forth countless times before he spoke again.

“You’ve worn my shirts before. I don’t see what the problem is?”

You groaned - or attempted to - and climbed back on the bed. You hid under the thick blanket and tried to think about anything but the scenario of him changing your clothes.

You would have been lying if you said it didn’t disturb you. But, in a way you also felt slightly regretful - even though you didn’t admit it. Why had it had to happen under such circumstances? You didn’t even know why you thought that way. You weren’t even sure if those were your thoughts.

“Seriously, what-“ he was cut off when you kicked the blanket and accidentally kicked him too.

He let out a sound that really made it clear that you had kicked him somewhere very painful. You, for a second, thought about checking if he was okay but decided against it because of how frustrated and shy you were feeling.

He deserved that, to be honest.

“Let’s talk later, I guess,” he said, sounding like the kick had hurt him quite a bit.

Next part: [Pt.19]

Other parts: [Masterlist]

[losille2000]

A Saving Grace, Chapter 4

TITLE: A Saving Grace CHAPTER NUMBER: 4/? + Prologue AUTHOR: Losille2000 WHICH Henry/CHARACTER: Actor!Henry GENRE: Drama/Romance FIC SUMMARY: All press is good press, right? Not if you ask Henry Cavill. After recordings from a disastrous interview go viral, Henry’s life begins to crumble around him. He has no idea how to stop it from happening. Fortunately, he has a new assistant who could be his saving Grace. RATING: M (sex, language) WARNINGS: None yet. AUTHORS NOTES: Enjoy!

Chapters: Prologue - 1 - 2 - 3 . Also on AO3!

Chapter 4

After the tour of Henry’s palatial house, Kal following close at their heels, they ended up in the office to concentrate on some real work. Grace was still unsure as to what she needed to do, but was grateful to find that she had her own desk in the large room, off in a quiet corner. Henry’s desk sat in the middle, one of those huge oak desks with intricate carvings that probably cost more than her car. Okay, maybe that wasn’t hard. Her car was a piece of shit and in the shop again, hence being reduced to an Uber ride from her next-door neighbor. Still, it was impressively sized, the offhanded comment that he was compensating for something playing at her lips.

She carefully reined in the urge to put a voice to it. Instead, and probably more troublesome, she thought frivolously about how it was one of those big, sturdy desks perfect for fucking if he were so inclined. But she wasn’t going to put a voice to that, either. In fact, she was going to completely forget about it and shove the thought out of her head, as unacceptable as it was.

Henry sat down in the chair behind his desk like it was a velvet-cushioned throne covered in gold gilt. It took him several seconds to find a comfortable position before he eventually focused on the computer sitting in the center. The top workspace of the desk was tidy and sparsely decorated: a few notepads, a cup containing pens and pencils, and a landline telephone. A tray for mail and other documents as needed sat at the right corner. Very much a business setup, but also with a lot of unused space. This puzzled her; he didn’t seem like such a minimalist. No man who spent his free time on women and clubs and luxury to excess was a man who kept a regimented and sparing workspace.

Unless she’d got him all wrong from the outset.

She didn’t know what to make of him, honestly, especially after their little conversation-slash-argument. Ultimately, she’d wanted to poke at him. Test his weaknesses where the subject of his problems were concerned, to get some sort of baseline to anticipate how he might react in future public situations if someone mentioned it, as they were sure to do. The story was getting old; the press wanted fresh blood in the water. They’d try anything to get a rise out of him to sell more magazines and get more website hits.

She hadn’t intended to let her personal opinions mix into the discussion and let it become as heated as it did. Worse yet was that she couldn’t really find it in herself to totally condemn him now that she’d spoken with him. Before, it’d seemed so clear cut. She’d been able to put him in a box with Dave. Meeting him, feeling him out, watching his body language, had humanized him in such a way that she had not been prepared for it.

Yes, sure, what he’d said in that damned recording was horrible, but his reasoning and explanation? She almost understood him. That, more than anything, was the cause for her initial ire. Working for Dave, and what Henry had insinuated, was a sore spot. But she also understood Henry’s yearning for a woman who met him halfway in a relationship.

After all, that’s all she wanted from a guy, too. Hadn’t she just gone off on the straight male species the previous afternoon, after her last breakup email? None of those idiots ever met her halfway, in the way she wanted them to. She gave and gave only to never reach equality in the relationship. The only difference was that she didn’t have cameras and recorders shoved in her face to catch her inevitable meltdown and spread it across the globe.

So, despite her better judgement, Grace found herself begrudgingly accepting of her new boss. He deserved a second chance as much as anyone else, right? It pissed her off. She didn’t want to accept him, and it was very clear he didn’t want to accept her, considering the way he warily glanced in her direction, but at least they’d reached an impasse.

“What?” he asked, an errant curl falling across his forehead. He flicked it to the side with his fingers. They were long and thick, like the rest of him.

“I apologize for earlier,” she said softly and turned to the laptop Dany had mentioned earlier. She flipped the lid up and hit the power button. “I’ve been working for Dave too long and I automatically think every guy I work for will be the same.”

Henry huffed. “I didn’t exactly give you the best impression of me outside, or with what I said a little bit ago. It’s my fault, really. I mean, you’re here for that reason. My mouth gets me in trouble.”

Grace nodded, and looked over her shoulder at him. “I just need you to be aware that I will not hesitate to call you out in the future.  I really want you to prove me wrong—hell, I want you to prove the world wrong.”

“I look forward to it.” He tried to hide it, but she saw the twitch at the corner of his mouth that threatened to turn up into a smile.

Grace spent the next half hour in the silent office familiarizing herself with the set up left by his previous assistant, ran through most of the emails in the inbox, and then returned to her own work laptop for any pressing matters.  The first thing to arrive was a notice that Henry had a new engagement in a week at a charity ball for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. In Atlanta.

Grace groaned. For the first engagement after something like Henry’s fuck up, it seemed a little heavy. In fact, it would be incredibly difficult for him to show his face there with no cushion of some positive press prior to it. These people were going to eat him alive, or they were going to completely forget about the recording. She hoped it was the latter, for everyone’s sake.

“Did you see the—” she began, but paused when she glanced back at him.

“Yes.” His jaw clenched, the word spoken tersely. “I’m all for it, but it seems like a lot after they’ve kept me under lock and key for so long now.”

She agreed. Then she lied to make him feel better. “I don’t think it’ll be too bad. You just show your face, do the photo op, write a check at the auction. Besides, you might be sexist, but I don’t get the abusive vibe from you.”

He guffawed. “That’s something, I guess.”

“Sorry, I just—” She bit her lip. She really had to watch herself now; sitting behind a computer monitor on social media the last five years had made her feral when dealing in real person-to-person relationships. Maybe that was why she found it so difficult to like him? “Yeah, I’ll just shut up.”

Henry chuckled. It was a surprisingly nice, deep rumbling. “It’s also a masquerade, so if things go dodgy, I can always cover my face and no one will recognize me.”

Grace frowned and scanned his hopeful face, dropping her eyes to his broad shoulders and chest. The simple cotton t-shirt strained against the muscles contained within it. “Yeah, I don’t think a mask will be much help.”

A single brow rose in a suggestive arch. “Are you checking me out?”

She shook her head as she turned back to her computer. “If I were checking you out, you’d know it.”

“Right.”

So why was her face blazing hot with a blush? Grace grumbled under her breath and clicked angrily at the web browser to open the correct link to secure plane tickets for the trip. “How long would you like to stay in Atlanta? In and out? You have a radio interview the morning of the ball, but nothing else scheduled.”

“Let’s fly in the day before, come back the day after,” he said. “Since I’ve got the time.”

Grace pressed her lips together, dying to question him about the note of frustration she’d heard in his tone about having free time. Instead, she asked, “Private or commercial?”

“Commercial,” he said. “And I’m leaving Kal at home, so you’ll need to make those pet hotel reservations.”

Kal popped his head up from the large memory foam dog bed in the opposite corner of the room. Grace laughed. “I never knew a dog could look so dejected.”

Henry huffed. “He’ll be fine.”

“Will his master be fine?”

“Why do you ask that?”

Grace again turned in her chair and held up Henry’s information booklet. She wanted to know what she was dealing with emotionally that he kept Kal certified as an ESA. “It says he’s—”

Henry cleared his throat and trained his eyes on his computer, trying too hard to not get invested in the conversation, and in the process lasered in on whatever had come across the screen with a scowl. “He’s both, but it’s not flying I need him for. Sometimes it’s just nice to have company on long shoots where you don’t know anyone.”

“Because no one could ever make new friends.”

His shoulders tensed, his face becoming slack and impassive, almost as though he’d checked out for a minute, as though he were having a memory of something. Finally, he seemed to animate again and said, “You know, it’s not as easy for some as it is for others.”

Grace didn’t say anything. It was a sore subject, clearly, and she wasn’t going to get anywhere with their working relationship if she continued to harp on it. In fact, she guessed he didn’t really need to explain anything. She already understood the reason for her assignment to him, and it was that his social anxiety manifested itself in a myriad of ways.

When they’d met outside, she instinctually paid attention to Kal first, simply because she adored dogs and she thought it would be a good ice breaker. Now she understood that Henry probably used him, at least in a few instances, to ease the awkwardness of new acquaintances. It gave two people something to talk about for a bit, that could flow into a normal conversation. Even so, it was still strange to look at the man sitting so kingly behind his desk and know that, on the inside, he was just a bundle of awkward nerves.

Honestly, the fact that he didn’t have it all together made him a little more relatable. At least he was human; a human who made stupid comments in public settings, sure, but still redeemable. She wondered why Dave didn’t think about going with that angle for Henry’s new publicity plan. Introverts and socially awkward keyboard jockeys everywhere would love a role model to show the world that foot-in-mouth disease was a real affliction plaguing even the most successful and handsome of men.

“You’re sure you don’t want him to come?”

“Why? I’ll have you.”

“Am I a friend, then?” Grace asked.

“No, you’re my employee that I can use and abuse,” he said.

She tossed the book back on her desk and stood up, smoothing her blouse over her stomach. “In that case, I’m taking my mandated fifteen-minute break and getting some coffee. Do you want some?”

“Are you any good at brewing it?”

“Usually I let the percolator do that,” she quipped. “But my hand has been known to slip on occasion and add a few extra scoops.”

His grimace made her laugh.

“Don’t like strong, bitter coffee?”

“I come from the land of tea, love,” he replied, his voice dripping in a much-pronounced accent. The curl on the top his head fell back across his forehead.

Grace gagged. “Ugh, I hate that stuff. Just go for the fully leaded experience! Quit wasting your time with leaf flavored milk water.” She added a visceral shudder for good measure. “And just so you know, this conversation is not part of my break. Because I’m still dealing with my slave-driver of a boss.”

His face lit up in a bright smile. Really, despite the initial awkwardness between them—meeting outside, and then the brief argument earlier—he already seemed to be much more at ease. Maybe his social problems weren’t as severe as some, but they were still deep-seated if they continued to bother him at thirty-four.

She wondered if, perhaps, he didn’t need a psychologist more than he needed a publicist.

Henry stood from his seat and moved around the desk. Grace frowned at him. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m going to supervise,” he said. “That’s my job.”

“It’s coffee, not rocket science,” she replied. “If you want coffee, I’ll be good and give you some weak ass coffee.”

He shook his head and brushed right past her out the door of the office. She stood still watching his swiftly moving ass, shaking her head. Maybe the next few months wouldn’t be that bad after all, now that he seemed to be loosening him up. And that ass, man. She felt certain of her ability to bounce a quarter off its flexed surface.

Rolling her eyes at herself, she pushed those thoughts down. But even as she tried to do that, he paused briefly as he turned a corner down another hall, glancing back in her direction. He must have caught the look on her face and the position of her trained eyes, because he laughed a dangerous, deep laugh.

Okay, that time, she’d been checking him out.

 Henry had whiplash.

One minute they were arguing with each other, and two hours later they’re laughing with each other over coffee. Oh, and she started checking him out, trying to be sly about it, but he caught that appreciative female twinkle in her eyes more than once. She could try to deny it all she wanted, but he wasn’t an idiot. Nor was he immune to an attractive woman eyeing him up.

They’d only just met that morning and he still wasn’t sure what she thought about him. Though he knew a great deal of physical attraction to someone rested in the intellectual—whether they particularly liked each other or not—a person could still objectively find someone else physically pleasing. She might hate him for all he knew, and simply found herself transfixed because she was human and could appreciate a nice body. The incredibly confusing problem was that he didn’t get the objective feeling from her, as though she were a scientist clinically considering is attributes. There was heat there, in her gaze, when he’d turned back and caught her staring at his arse.

Had her ire earlier all been for show, to test him?

Not that it mattered anyway, one way or another, about what she thought of him. She was his employee. De facto, yes, but his employee for the foreseeable future all the same. Most importantly, if he allowed himself the opportunity to consider her in the same way, he was, in a way, proving her and everyone else right. What could be the most sexist thing a man in a position of power could do? Oh, yeah, hit on his assistant. Talk about devaluing someone. He refused to allow himself the pleasure of considering her in any way but professional. It would save them all a lot of heartache down the road.

Besides that, he couldn’t trust himself. After months of imprisonment in his house, mostly away from the general public and female companionship, he had no way to gauge whether his mutual attraction—purely physical, mind—was due to lack of options or borne out of a real interest. He wasn’t about to ruin what was left of his dignity on something like this when he had so little to go off of.

Still, though, he found himself watching out of the corner of his eye as she moved around his spacious kitchen. They’d both agreed to disagree on the coffee, and he set a pot to brew while she rummaged around the refrigerator looking for lunch options. She didn’t seem satisfied with anything, and her perusal stretched on and on while they drank their coffee. Finally, she stepped back, her hand on the refrigerator door, and stood up to look at him.

“You have the most well-stocked fridge of any bachelor I’ve ever met,” she said. “My older brothers—they live together—have beer, like five boxes of cold pizza, and a door full of hot sauce. Oh, and a place with tons of fast food sauce packets.”

He couldn’t contain his laughter. “That’s not even as full as it usually is. I’m on the ‘clean everything out because I’ll be gone for most of the rest year’ phase.”

She scrunched her nose up and looked back inside. “What do you want? I can’t decide on anything. There’re too many choices.”

“You don’t have to make me lunch,” he said.

“Aren’t I supposed to?”

He sighed. Sure she was, but he didn’t want her to do it. It would just cement her unfavorable opinion of him. “You’d be responsible for securing food for me when I’m either in the middle of a shoot day or in the middle of interviews on a junket. That sort of thing. Otherwise, I can take care of it myself.”

Grace nodded and shut the refrigerator. “Good thing, because I’m a horrible cook. I can burn water.”

“There’s no such thing as a horrible cook if you can read a recipe,” he said.

“Then I lack the tenacity for it,” she replied with a laugh. “And you have to admit, there’s something in the way certain people just ‘know’ when something’s done in the oven.”

He rolled his eyes playfully. “Yeah, they use a thermometer.”

Grace scoffed.

“But you’re probably right,” he conceded.

Having won the argument, she shook her head and closed the door. “Have you been out of this house at all since—”

“Just my jog this morning with Kal,” he interrupted.

She moved over to the kitchen island and leaned against it, setting her elbows on the granite countertop and resting her chin in her hands. “Would you like to go out for lunch?”

“You’re serious?”

Grace chuckled. “Yes?”

He stepped away from his spot and rounded the island. Then he grabbed her in his arms and planted a giant kiss on her forehead. When he set her back down and she peered up at him with startled wide eyes, he almost felt bad for doing it. But he couldn’t contain himself. “I’m sorry, it’s just been a really long time since I’ve been out.”

“You act like you’re a caged lion and I’ve just let you back into the wild,” she said with a light laugh. Her skin on her neck had filled with a bright red blush.

“I am and you are,” he said.

She looked at him a long time, considering him a little more closely. Then she sighed. “I would have told them to fuck off.”

“That’s what got me into trouble in the first place,” he said. “Let me find some shoes and get my wallet.”

“There are ground rules, though!” She called after him. When he turned to look at her, she continued. “No alcohol. No clubs. No women.”

“But you’re a woman.”

Grace coughed. “Well spotted.”

He thought she wanted to say more, considering the way the muscles in her face relaxed… and then brightened with a sweet smile. There was definitely something else, but she didn’t say it.

Instead, she laughed again. “Hurry up, I’m hungry.”

He didn’t need to be told twice.

[quasi-la]

12         THE MATRIARCH

              When ever I hear people talk about their god they always refer to Him, but who on this old Earth has ever seen the divine gonads? Of course that question is irreverent, but not irrelevant because all His-story shows us that such abstractions of the ego are way more dangerous than a game of words... Anthropologists will tell you all single god hypotheses are an extension of the male ego, but in fact the ontogeny of this deeply 'embedded' conviction goes back a little further than a heart beat ago – when Adam was still a boy! The clear light of understanding began to emerge when Jane Goodall started studying the gorilla's natural social behaviour close up, since then a great deal of work has been done on other primates as well, and particularly the chimpanzees which are by far our closest relative, in fact something like 97% of our genes are homologous. Which is to say the same but different, as in the difference between one human and another...

                                                                                                                     It was 1974 when lethal raiding was first observed among chimpanzees living in a natural environment and social groupings, before then it was thought that 'we' were the only species that killed their own kind in situations not necessarily about survival. Those who invented the single-white-male-god also taught that some kind of original sin had condemned us to suffer this unkind behaviour; but this flies in the face of newly observed behaviour – the reality is our chimp cousins also kill and rape for thrills! Female chimpanzees are generally not picky about their sexual partners, they find most males acceptable but something inside tells them to refuse their brothers. Most of the time that's the end of it, but occasionally a brother's ego can't stand being denied, the more she resists and avoids him the more he becomes enraged, he beats her and holds her down – there's nothing she can do. Measured tests have shown that even average chimps are four or five times stronger than human athletes in top condition, and right up to now they are the only species beside Homo saps that still tolerate these degenerate characteristics AS IF there is nothing We could do about it?                        

                         If you take the time to read the reports and papers coming out, you will see the male violence that surrounds and threatens chimpanzee communities is so extreme that just being in the wrong place at the wrong time from an other group can mean death by murder-squads. Just as territorial by nature as we are, ALL the elements of political degeneration are evident as well, including genocide, so our 'human nature’ as it is invoked by many an old fool – is not so unique after all! Its just too obvious that the patriarch which easily dominates women in primitive cultures so closely emulates the behaviour of our chimpanzee cousins. And this pattern is carried on and on by primitive religions...and then the thousands of rapes and murders committed by U$ troops stationed in Japan since WW2 become more understandable, even though (their) gorillas still can't be tried in any Japanese court - because Japan is still an occupied country? 

                                                              Over the past four decades much new knowledge has been gathered, needless to say it hardly gets mentioned by mass media, but the comparison of murders and incarceration rates speak for themselves. As the research piles up the gap between us and the chimps keeps shrinking, already it is genetically provable we are closer to them than they are to gorillas! Facts like this are an anathema to religious institutions, in the daze of their rule they would simply be rejected outright and the offenders burnt at the stake; while another awe inspiring cathedral is built somewhere... For those still capable of rational thought the single most gripping fact about chimpanzee behaviour is that their society is (also) male bonded...and their borders are defended and/or extended with potentially lethal violence. Any one can see similarities that go way back 5 million years, when chimpanzee ancestors and human ancestors were indistinguishable. In fact there may have been several Adams but mitachondrial DNA has revealed an Eve, a particular black African women was the mother of every single Human on this old Earth! 

                                                        In reality the most likely scenario is that early humans were less violent and way more social, and then a backward and violent variant has arisen in relatively recent times, and now that mob threatens to take us all to hell with them! Its a fact not well known that Neanderthals had a larger brain and many studies suggest that Cro-Magnon replaced them through enhanced brutality, not intelligence as we would like to think. The ultimate truth may never be known, but many of the Nazi leaders came from devout Christian upbringings...and dehumanised “wolves in sheep's clothing” are now threatening our continued existence on this old Earth; and ALL fall back on one male-god-construct or another to justify their actions. Moreover the link between male violence and 'putrid' patriarchy is self evident in almost every human culture as it is with the chimpanzees, the statistics on violent crime within a community show the same gender-biased pattern, women can kill of course but everywhere the globally consistent trend is that males are the 'specialists' in violent crime.

                           In the U$ for example men are nine times more likely to-be killers, seventy eight times more likely to rape and ten times more likely to commit armed robbery. Even in non violent crime the same gender-bias is equally strong, so the obvious question now before us is why are advanced 'democratic' societies still living under the spectre of male dominance? The simple answer springs to mind (some) men with brutal tendencies seize power and repress everybody because the pattern already exists in their genes and/or memes. This I$ patriarchy worldwide and throughout history, written by the victors with the unspeakable brutality filtered out of their stories; but the origins are now detectable in the social lives of chimpanzees! All the way up to the 'gorillas' at the top of ANY hierarchy, and these throwbacks are holding back Eve-olution; “man is still more ape than any ape” 

                         Yet it goes without saying that western societies could not be dominated by such ape-men unless they were aided and abetted by the women close to them, their wives and/or lovers for instance, and even their mothers and daughters! No one has figured out how to change a paradigm yet but everybody knows that power as the ultimate addiction has many disguises. Just because certain behaviour patterns have always taken hold of power doesn't mean they can't be changed, all the incredible achievements of our species could never have been realised without genius and our common Humanity – in spite of the gorillas in our midst! The fact that everywhere the feminine is now in the ascendant shows any open mind that A matriarchy is all but a fait accompli, and the light shining through the fog of current events are memories of A future so bright it will pale into insignificance all that has been achieved under duress... 

                                   To even see the final destination its necessary to understand the past, our origins and the link to primates past and present is a given, but the continual escalation of destruction and violence as a means of political economy must become obsolete or we shall join the dodos. Considering the weaponry at hand any sane mind can see that future is no future at all, once we dispel the delusion of being special and above Nature we can solve many many problems that have been consigned to the too-hard-basket because of human nature. Another aspect of primate behaviour that is observable in our societies is the hundredth monkey effect...so that when around a hundred monkeys (or humans) learn a new trick, other monkeys anywhere given the same idea or inclination will rapidly acquire the new skills and/or paradigm. The collective nature of consciousness reveals itself as Jung predicted and one can easily imagine the snowball effect when the media barons decide that having a future is as worthy a cause as fat margins! 

                              Hollywood has been en-powering women in their portrayal of our nature for some time, in fact Humans never act without emotions and the wrong emotions are the cause of aggression, now this might sound familiar; male chimpanzees compete much more aggressively for dominance than females do...a male (chimp) in his prime organises his whole life around rank...the male behaves as if he is quite driven to reach the top of the community heap. Interestingly once they get there the alpha male's tendency to violence reduces dramatically, then they may become benign rulers or mad dictators, but either road up its the same. Power is the most addictive and unpredictable 'drug' there is, and when testosterone plays its molecular role as the catalyst, (it) becomes the most dangerous force in the known Universe! All of Nature IS locked in a mighty struggle, but for reproductive power, among hierarchical societies the difficulty of getting to the top is what induces aggression. Pride obviously serves as a stimulus for much interpersonal aggression in humans, and we can hypothesise confidently that this emotion evolved during countless generations in which the males who achieved high status were able to turn their social success into extra reproduction. Male pride, the source of many a conflict, is reasonably seen...as another legacy of sexual selection. (Demonic Males – Apes and the Origins of Human Violence)

                         The problems really get out of hand when the ant-colony version of human existence comes into the fray, because villages, city-states and even today's mighty nation-states act out the same pathology. The first great multi-state war ravaged ancient Greece for a quarter of a century, the cause was finally put down to the rise of military power in Athens, and the fear it caused in Sparta – who had been allies in the past! This pattern has been repeated so often it brings on feelings of nausea and apparitions of ape-men fighting each other because their hierarchy exaggerated some danger before (it) happened. Always there is the hidden agenda and always in their heart of darkness they see a potential to gain power, either personally or politically, which boils down to the same primitive archetype. Certainly not all men in our time are so afflicted they cannot moderate their ape-nature, but the corridors of power are still overcrowded with testosterone units. In 1914 the badly trained dogs broke loose from their tether and repeated the same pattern, and we are still living under the lengthening shadow of that barbarism – now that machine wars are very good for business it belies any attempt to place our common Humanity above the market-place morality of mass murderers. These 'errand boys for grocery clerks' are the political scum that create nothing, while their spin doctors write their speeches the old warriors get out their medals and the same old pattern sucks us all in again and again... 

                                                          Forgetting for a minute that mythical beast 'human nature’, and the delusion that (it) will never change; the truth is they don't want it to change because societies have been ‘developed’ with a dependency on top down command structures - by individuals genetically closer to you-know-who! It wasn't until 1928 that scientists discovered a ‘new’ species of primate now called Bonobos, the reason is they are so similar to chimpanzees even experts find difficulties telling them apart. An early primatologist had one for a pet and lived with him for years and still didn't pick it, but he was constantly amazed by “Prince Chim” and his unique behaviour. In his words “doubtless there are geniuses even among the anthropoid apes”, and even the local tribe of humans called the Mongandu, who live in the same forest never hunt the Bonobo because their god tells them they once lived as brothers! I don't know the sex of their deity but this mob are not shy vegetarians – they've wiped out just about every other creature big enough to barbeque! 

                          The Bonos weigh on average about the same as the smallest chimps, with small heads, longer arms and legs and slightly different facial features, scientists know that the Bonos descended from a common chimp-like ancestor, rather than the other way round, with genetic dating putting the split somewhere between 1.5 and 3 million years ago. Though they are clearly a distinct species, the differences are less than the average differences between many human populations – but their social behaviour is like chalk and cheese. Compared to chimpanzees these are gentle apes, they have a much reduced level of violence in relations between sexes, between males and between other communities; after twenty years of close observation there is no evidence of males raping females, battering adult females, or killing infants which is common among gorillas. On the surface bonobo social life is very similar to chimps, living in communities of eighty or more, with a shared territory, moving about in various size parties, male kin groups that defend their borders against outsider males. Also the same size difference between males and females, but among chimps (and many humans) every adult male is dominant to every adult female...and he enjoys that. She must move out of his way, acknowledge him with the appropriate call or gesture, bend to his whim or be punished. That can be a slap or a belting, kicked and dragged around screaming till her throats cramps – a reminder to grovel next time. None of this crap among the bonos, here the sexes are co-dominant, there is still a ranking system but the top female and the top male are equal, and this extends all the way down the line. A whole different system of politics has developed that doesn't always resolve to brutality.

                        In the Bonobo system sons are almost inseparable from their mothers...they stay in the same party all their lives. A mother's support is crucial when competing with other males because the females bond into fighting groups rather than males...so those whose mothers are alive tend to be high ranking, and it goes without saying that these kind of alliances tend to be much more humane! Among Bonobos, the mother-son relationship is the closest bond there is between males and females, and if a mother calls for help, her group (of females) is always liable to counter attack in her defence. In contrast males don't cooperate with each other, either to defend themselves or to attack females, so that even the alpha male can and will be defeated by female power...

                              However its much more than a simple role reversal, females rarely assert their power, because under this regime a male rarely loses his temper bad enough to hurt a female. All available observations tell the same story, thru cooperation female bonos turn the tables on men, but its not based on kin; just like chimps when the girls reach puberty they leave the family and migrate to a new community – most of the women they bond with will be unrelated. In their societies sexual activity is greatly enhanced, even the sexual organs are larger to facilitate greater utility, an instrument of politics as well as procreation! When entering a new community a young women identifies an older one to befriend, by a gradual process she shows respect and affection until they begin sexual relations...and from there on build up a network. In our language it might be called love, but one thing is certain; in their culture it forms the underlying bonds that hold their communities together.  

                                Unlike males they don't feel the need to display aggressively toward each other, tension and even aggression occurs rarely but they tend to make up quickly, so these kind relations among females make for a peaceful life. Bono males treat other males much as the chimps do, both compete for status and form hierarchies, but only the latter are prepared to fight fiercely and risk a great deal to be the boss. Aggression among the Bonos often leads quickly to resolution, and both parties taking their turn to bend over with obvious sexual excitement! Chimps take their time about making up, also attacks between Bono males are mild in comparison with less competition for rank, and not forming political alliances makes for a peaceful existence – which all turns on sex. The reason males are much less concerned about who mates with the females is they are unable to tell when ovulation occurs, Nature seems to have engineered a way to hide the scent that normally triggers the testosterone response! Humans like to think they're the best, but this mob can mate dozens of times a day, eagerly engage in hetero and homosex; manipulate each other's genitals by hand or mouth, copulate in numerous positions...and it all begins long before the onset of puberty!

                                             A matriarchy could mean much more than this; even more interesting is what Bonos do with their sex, they use it for much more than making babies, they (too) use sex as a way to make friends, to calm some one down who is tense, and to reconcile for aggression. And the last of these applications is the most important; when travelling parties meet at their boundaries they can even get friendly at a time when the chimps would be smashing heads! Its still true that small groups usually avoid large ones, but if two large groups bump into each other at some food source for instance, more often than not a stand off ensues. After half a hour or so one female will cross the neutral zone and hook up with a female from the other – bingo. Altercations between males can also be neutralised by females from their respective groups literally hooking up with the antagonist! The game changer is that friendliness is always initiated by females – at the end of ego's aeon?

                            Even other species in their territory benefit also, male chimpanzees everywhere hunt and kill mammals (other monkeys included), they kill often and the reaction to a successful hunt is intense excitement. The prey-monkey may be eaten alive, shrieking as it is torn apart, dominant males try to seize the prey for themselves leading to more violence on the side – its blood lust in its rawest form. Bonos like meat too, they sometimes grab small antelope babies, flying squirrels and even earthworms, but they never eat other monkeys that are so close to their own kind it borders on cannibalism... Certainly they could catch them if they wanted to, but the theory is that the suppression of personal aggression carries over to the suppression of predatory aggression? Their common ancestor hunted monkeys and probably each other as well but they evolved above and beyond the blood lust of simple predation as a means of survival...

                       The litany of parallels with our hallowed human His-story speaks for itself; cannibalism, genocide, rape, domestic violence, truly massive disparity and war after war – what MORE evidence is required? On the other hand (and gender), A new age of much more peaceful existence is literally waiting behind the bedroom door, where ego is not a dirty word! The only mob that stands to lose from the shifting power base are those greedy egotistical jerks that fear female power and would stop at nothing to hold them back. Another blinding fact is that less than 1% of child sex abuse is committed by women, and only now after centuries of impunity the full activities of these wolves in sheep's clothing is being revealed. Its no coincidence that every institution from the church to the military is male bonded and jealously guards power for their own ego's ends. Behind the facades presented by the political pundits are the bank managers, bureaucrats and generals that keep the steam roller stoked up and flattening any real opposition to the pestilence of their putrid patriarch.

                       Questions please!!! Why isn’t this Truth being taught in the gov/church schools? For how much longer will a tidal wave of mass mediated madness enable a single swollen ego to crawl to the top of the heap?? The lessons of His-story are there for all to see...she doesn't suffer quite the same affects from exposure to power. Of course there are examples of women who acted the same under the prevailing paradigm; but past performance is not the only indicator of future 'behaviour'. By extension, when all politics becomes ‘secret women's business' will ALL institutionalised patriarchal hierarchies based on brutal power “wither away” - just as Marx predicted???

                                                                ♀ 

[ask-the-crimson-king]

((This was FAR too big for an ask, put a read more cut where you see fit))

Ok, so the accusing anon mentioned it was the Progress Flag they saw and the way they worded their explanation kinda went in a few directions, which I'll try to sort through:

"Nazi and Nazbol [Nazi-Bolshevik] Groups": Yes, that is a thing that exists, but on a smaller scale online and not nearly as prominent in the living world as other supremacist ideologies. Yes, there are people who actually looked at the darkest days of both German and Soviet History and decided "This could work well together", but they are dunked-on HARD by both pro-fascists and pro-communists by their very nature. Do not ask me how neo-Nazis and Tankies got together in such an unholy union or what they stand for because none of it makes sense to my Bachelor's education degree with social science emphasis OR my regrettable experience from both groups in my soon-to-be 29 years of life

"Eth Nat [Ethnic Nationalist] desires": Yes, those unfortunately exist around the world. Racism and ethnic cleansing isn't a solely White practice, but it's definitely been done by Whites throughout US history and its affects (and believers) still exist to this very day. Only non-White supremacist American group I can recall is the very loose online Hotep community (remember the "We were kings" memes?) that's legitimately Black supremacist and also incredibly anti-Semitic, homophobic and misogynistic---so taking a rainbow flag wouldn't be their work || [Don't forget the ethno-nationalist cleansing of Armenians that is still happening right now, and the settler-colonialism happening with the Palestinians.]

"Representing clear racial politics": Well, I guess if you loosely define Black Lives Matter and its main message of "stop profiling us as criminals and even if we are criminals, treat us humanely as you do White criminals", then it would count as "racial/identity politics". So would the "Stop Asian Hate" movement in response to COVID fearmongering, but if we're really defining any political movement (for good or for ill) as "racial" if it affects a given race, then practically everything is racial politics---by nature of people of different races experiencing things, even within the same country or social class

___ [I think they were trying to say Nazi and Nazi-adjacent groups were seeing the flag as depicting "clear racial politics". I have seen fascists use this talking point, but against non-white minorities. Never for them.] ___

"Protected by a strong border": That definitely is a policy point put forward by ethnic nationalists, pro-fascists, etc. and groups have tried to parrot or "steal" progressive groups' rhetoric to then apply to border security (remember that map of America made into a cartoon woman, gripping her skirt as a hand from the South reaches up, all with the caption "My borders, my choice"?). As for how black and brown are "stronger" colors than pink and white, that's entirely a cultural bias in associating light or warm colors with femininity or "weakness"---which is why Hitler rotated the original Hindu swastika 45 degrees to resemble an X rather than a cross and painted it black rather than the usual pink or light purple, as well as why the upside-down pink triangle was used to mark LGBT+ citizens

"The fact that four in rotation makes a swastika": I mean, if you were to completely disfigure any 4 stripes in such a way, it could resemble an X or a cross, but the swastika itself has 4 more "legs" that stick out from the base. But with how much the human mind needs to warp any given lines into a new symbol, you may as well just slap the graven image itself on the thing and be forthright with it

[And they do! Homofascists/4Chan or generally right-wing trolls in the past have, indeed, simply slapped it on the standard 6-color pride flag.

More info on fascism/it's supporters/how it gains traction under the cut.]

As for whether so-called progressive people do parrot fascist rhetoric and support fascist policy? That is also unfortunately true. Don't ask me how I know this or how this even could happen, but there were a few Trans Fascists I came across and I found two of their flags: one being just the swastika slapped onto the Trans Pride flag, the other being the Lesbian Labrys in the place of the axe in the fasces symbol (that ancient Roman symbol of a magistrate's power over life and death, the origin of the term "fascist/fascism") on the Trans Pride Flag

___ [People who try to be progressive but fall into the pit-falls of Nazi or fascist ideology are why we have NazBols. It's why we see groups trying to "take the land back" and basically create woke ethno-states for marginalized people. I am not saying this referring to indigenous peoples who are fighting to keep their land (which I do indeed support), I have also heard weird Tankie-esque stuff about Black people feeling so much safer away from whites, and other people of color who may feel the same. Thus creating a separatist divide and creating "woke" ethno-states -- "It's for the good of the minorities so they can feel safer!" Or we could talk about and tackle the systemic problems leading to people feeling this way? How about that instead? "But it'll never work!" It won't if you never try.

Don't fall for Black separatism, kids. You are not only feeding into the interests of white supremacists, but you're also becoming a reactionary in the process. Just because you are white, it does not mean you are an inherent threat to your nonwhite comrades. Diversity is strength. Remember that.] ___

My own hot take? We should remember that at the very core of Nazi ideology---no matter how many self-proclaimed LGBT+ individuals also proclaim to be Nazis, no matter how many non-Whites or women march beside them, no matter how many Nazis claim otherwise---is Nazism is straight White male supremacy and those undoubtedly deluded into being their "allies" are simply a means to gaining government office democratically

But once that purpose is served, they too will be slaughtered. Anyone PoC, LGBT, non-Christian or otherwise not fitting the mold of "the Supreme Master RaceTM" who is utterly duped into supporting their agenda (and cause them to succeed) would merely buy themselves a stay of execution at the cost of their neighbors' lives---before their blood also becomes the oil on the gears and their bodies also become the coal in the furnaces of the fascist war-machine

Populism, the Nazis' preferred tactic and a pillar of fascist ideology, is dependent upon democratic majority. It would be incredibly stupid (though these ARE Nazis and fascists we're talking about, so the bar is well beneath the floor as it is) to instantly demonize everyone who doesn't fit their tight mold the moment they set foot on the streets. They will deny being homophobic. They will deny being racist. They will pay lip-service to feminists. They will force a smile on their faces and hold back their gag reflex in the company of "lesser beings" just long enough to get some votes

Hitler did not seize power overnight. Hitler did not seize power, period. Hitler was elected by the desperate, the foolish and the ambitious in equal measures. The Nazi Party did not run door-to-door to viciously murder every Jew the second Hitler was inaugurated. Every Jew was not immediately sent to the death camps. The Jews were not Hitler's only victims. The Jews were not even Hitler's first victims, though the Jewish casualty count is the still highest that we can confirm

In order to both remove the "undesirables" from Germany and to control the German populace, Hitler and the Nazis went down a very long list. Every potential political opponent, every ethnicity, every possible demographic and label besides "Aryan Nazi supporter" was scheduled to be systematically demonized, discriminated, disappeared and destroyed when it was most convenient for the Nazi Party to do so

When it was ultimately the Jewish people's turn, the removal of their humanity was a long and gradual process of public indoctrination and supported legislation that lasted several years. Once the Jews were stripped of rights and thought of as nothing more than vermin by the German masses, the Nazis simply played their willing role as exterminators. Whether the Germans thought it would go so far or would go so bloodily is an afterthought that came far too late

Remember well the words of regretful Hitler supporter and Holocaust survivor, Martin Niemoller:

"First they came for the Communists And I did not speak out Because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the Socialists And I did not speak out Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists And I did not speak out Because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews And I did not speak out Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me And there was no one left To speak out for me."

To all those who those who look upon their far-right reactionary movement and think "They will always stand by me and the power I give them will never be used against me": You could not be any more wrong, yet you already believe their lies

----

[Good and informative post for those not already familiar with any of these terms, which is why I put the cut where I did. I also added a bit of my own commentary here and there to try and provide examples along with an explanation of the terms I was using.]

[hazbinextgeneration]

Into The Casino p4

The time it took to actually get dry and into a spare dress Cyber had given her was a little longer than usually. Cyber didn't know if it was because of all the fur that covered her body and how hard it was to get black rain off a white coat, or because she was still slightly shivering and took a long time in the warm water to warm herself up. Either way, the end results were better since she looked better in white and she didn't smell like a wet dog covered in ashes. She didn't really question much until Cyber left, then a slight panic set in as the reality of what exactly she just got herself into hit her harder then that crash landing when she first got there. What just happened?! One minute she was being cornered between weird machines and two demons and then the next she was given a whole job, free room 'n bourd, and other things. This wasn't a good sign at all. Nothing was for free down in this hell hole. She had to think of what to do next and not panic. Panicking never helped her before. Making she could just leave and run. There were millions of demons in the nine circles. There was little chance of being found again....then again she didn't know anything about these demons. They may have had higher connections and then what? A unicorn is a pretty hard thing to miss in a crowd of sinners- Knock, knock. A sudden knocking at the door made her yelp and spin around just as it opened and the familiar she demon stuck her head in. "Hey, you. I see you found the closet," she said gesturing to the dress she wore, "About time too. Lou wants you to start on something-" "Now?" She raised a brow at the strange question. "I-I haven't even settled in yet, a-and nobody told me what I supposed to do. Or-" "That's what this is for. Lou said you might as well meet everyone and get started. You'll learn quickly that Lou's a guy that likes to get things done and started as soon as possible," he said nodded towards the door," C'mon." "Well, that seems very...fast paced." She started towards the door. "You don't get anywhere in death being slow." The walk to where he assumed this Lou person was just as nerve racking as all hell as when she was cornered by him in the room with the strange noisy machines. One woman had yelled her lungs off in sheer happiness when her machine made a loud ringing noise and little gold coins came out at the bottom. She fiddled with a part of the dress she wore and gave another quick look around the room. What would happen if she just bolted right now for the exit? Would she run after her? Trap her? Would this make Lou mad enough to drop his offer...or something worse?! There was no telling what this man was capable of. She looked back to the demon beside her and gave her a curious look. Maybe she could provide some inside to this 'new boss'. "Um..So-" Cyber hummed and tilted her head towards her letting her know she was listening. She gulped before asking, "W-What kind of job do you-..I mean-" "You want to know what I do around this place, you mean?" "Yes....If it's not too personal. I understand if you don't feel comfortabl-" She snorted making the unicorn flinch before giving a smile. "It's no big secret really." She shrugged. "Just a guard. Nothing more nothing less. A lot of people know that." "Oh." That would explain why she trailed around this Lou person. "That's nice...Where are we going again?" "Right here." She suddenly stopped and gestured to a door next to her. She stopped a little ways from her and stared at the door. It didn't look any different from the other doors in the hallway they were in, Cyber motioned towards it, "C'mon. He doesn't like waiting too much." Before she could get a word out she knocked on said door and waited- "Door's open. Come in." The door was swung open and in she went leaving her standing there in the doorway. Inside the room was Lou himself...along with two other people she didn't know. Lou welcomed Cyber and exchanged a few words before looking back over towards the unicorn in the doorway who was still staring in at them, and he raised a brow. "Are you going to come in? It's not very polite to keep one's employer waiting.'' She flinched at his voice making the other male in the room snort and the woman next to him give a scowl at his behavior. Lou raised a hand and motioned for her to come in. Which she did but after staring at the other pair for a few more seconds.  "I'm glad you decided to join us. I've been meaning for you to meet some of my more....trusted and useful employees." His smile widened, curling at the ends before lifting a hand from the desk to point at the two. "Meet your new coworkers. I trust you'll find them just as interesting as I do." She gave the two another look over before awkwardly smiling and giving a small wave. "H-Hello. Nice to meet you?" The other male flicked a snake like tongue out before eyeing her form to....get a better look at her she guessed? But she really didn't like the look in his eyes, or the drool pouring out of his mouth. The woman next to him scowled further and gave off a small growl before nudging him in the gut hard making him give off an 'Oof' and bend over a bit. She rose a brow and glanced over at Cyber who only shrugged at her. "Disease, please," Lou groaned before reaching up to rub his temples, "Try to control your ungodly self for once in your miserable existence. Especially around her." Disease, as Lou called him, chuckled nervously while glancing at the other lady. "Sure, Boss. I can do that.....I love you.~" The woman rolled her eyes but a tiny bit of pink rolled over her cheeks. Lou sighed before looking at Amalfia with a smile. "Forgive him. He has the mind of decent worker but the social skills of a rock. *ahem* That lovely lady beside him-," She noticed the woman give off a groan of her own at the compliment. "-is my residential supplier.~" "She's a witch," Cyber stated beside her. "...Oh...Uh, It's nice to meet you?" Said witch only hummed and gave her a studying look similar to Disease but only this one seemed like she was looking right into her soul instead of just her body. Someone cleared there throat getting her attention and she turned back to the blonde demon. "Back onto the topic on hand if you will. Now, we should start out with something to test the waters so to speak." He grinned and held out a paper from the top of his desk out towards her. "I know this is all fast, but I prefer to see if I got my money's worth of anything I purchase as soon as possible." She rose a brow at the odd wording but slowly reached a hand over to take the paper from him. He gave her one of those smiles that you know that they're trying to make themselves look innocent before she looked at what was written on it-........Her ears dropped and her eyes widened at the amount that was written on it. She looked at him. Then back to the paper......Then back to him, and opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. "Cat got your tongue?~'' "H-How much work do you have backed up?" He simply shrugged. "My business with the casino and other things sadly doesn't leave me much time to take care organizing and taking care of less important things. That's where you come in, my dear, and why I want you to get started as soon as possible." "I-....Ok." "Good. Now, Cyber will show you where everything you need should be." He nodded towards Cyber who seemed to understand the command and turned to her. "I get it. C'mon. I hope you have a good memory. Because this place can get a little confusing." She turned to say something to Lou but was quickly nudged back towards the door with Cyber following behind. Once the door was closed behind them, Lou turned his attention to the other two demons in the room. "Well?" "I didn't get any powerful energy off her," the female complained, "A waist of time if you ask me. But I could always put her to good use-" "No dissecting. We talked about this." "...Fine. Have it your way. But mark my words, she won't amount up to much."

==============================================

Attention! The next parts of into the casino will take place a few months/years from this since I want to show how Amalfia got there as well as stages of Lou's and her's p.o.v on things. Midnight, Cyber, Lou, and Disease belongs to @palettepainter

[chiefjusticechui]

A post about women in setting has been a long time coming. In some ways, it seemed inevitable as I am the only female setter at my gym even though the regular staff is pretty equal among the genders. Listening to the Power Company Podcast on women in climbing was the final provocateur of inspiration, but conversations with coworkers, customers, and even other setters got me thinking about the subject.

I’m generally averse to talking about such a touchy conversation as it is not my prerogative to offend or insult in a culture of differences and misunderstanding, but sometimes, it seems necessary to say or do something as I have this position in my workplace, in my community. So, I’m starting by saying something. Here.

When I interviewed to work at the Circuit Bouldering Gym, I made clear my desire to be a routesetter at some point, and there was one female setter, Tonya, among about ten setters. I didn’t think about it at the time because the only thing that mattered was that I set at all--not whom I set with.

Soon after Tonya left the Circuit a few months later, Danielle started setting; so there was a woman setting again. Maybe six months later, Danielle left as she completed her master’s program and went home to Missouri, and another couple of months passed before the Circuit made me a setter.

Part of the appeal, to the Circuit, of hiring me as a setter was that I am small and a woman. That just means that I have a degree of uniqueness in how I climb and in my climbing experience compared to the nine other routesetters who are all male.

It’s important to note that a person’s setting style doesn’t necessarily reflect that person’s climbing style. For example, Max is really strong on compression on slopers and enjoys competition-style boulders, but he doesn’t just set that style; he has set a number of great static crimp lines. In my opinion, a good routesetter is skilled in setting many various styles of climbs (this is something to which I aspire and actively work on).

It’s also important to note that not all of the  setters at the Circuit have developed that skill--or have even tried to. That being said, hiring a setter whose climbing strengths include something different from the other setters is generally a plus; in my case, it turned out that I am better at setting in my style (primarily because I am very familiar with the movement and difficulty) which is generally reliably conducive to widely varying climbs on a given day.

Aside from how the sets would turn out in terms of diverse climbs, a number of customers expressed desire to climb boulder problems set by a woman. I’m not sure that a woman has some intrinsic value that a man doesn’t have and that gives certain value to a climb she sets, but I imagine people could feel more attached to a climb if they know certain things about the person who set the climb.

Regardless, customers wanted a female setter, and that helped my case too. It turned out, sort of as expected, that women tend to enjoy my climbs because, as aforementioned, it turned out that I am better at setting in my climbing style--a style which resonates with a lot of other female climbers (and children, actually).

So, the major advantages, in theory, of hiring me as a setter happened to, in actuality, be advantages for the diversity of climbs and for female climbers.

Soon after I started setting regularly, one of my coworkers and I chatted about women in setting, and she said that setting interests her--but it’s intimidating. 

It is a lot of work. Between all of the logistics around putting up a climb (not even logistics about putting up a climb)--moving ladders, setting up barriers, putting out holds--there’s a lot of work. The walking up and down ladders and climbing / editing the routes are another story, but then add in fixing spinners--and there are more expectations and more responsibility than one might expect.

However, I’m not sure if she meant all of the work is intimidating or if being one of very few (or none other) women is intimidating. If it’s the latter, I understand to a certain extent. I remember moving to London and experiencing something like immediate community with other Americans as opposed to people of other nations. There’s something comforting about seeing people like you in a new place or new environment, and there’s something unnerving about being around people who come from very different places (physical and social) than you.

On the other hand, the fact that setting (at the Circuit, but also in general) is statistically and historically male-dominated hasn’t bothered me. It certainly didn’t deter from my desire to set; if anything, it presented itself as more reason for me to set.

A major part of the reason it never bothered me is that I really, really wanted to set and didn’t care about who else sets. I was determined to become a setter, and whether or not other people like me also did it never mattered to me. I once told my friend that I get what I want--but I didn’t mean it in a spoiled or arrogant way. I just meant that if I really wanted something, I would put in the work required to get it regardless of barriers.

Another part is that I have the type of personality that enjoys and finds meaning in being the only [x] in a group. For some things (like pursuing setting), succeeding as the only woman is my way of showing others that society can’t stop me from doing what I want to do, that sexism or biases can’t hold me back--nor can it hold other people back. To a certain extent, the pursuit of proving that I could become a setter overcame any nerves around being the only woman setter in my workplace.

So, what has it been like since I started setting? What has my experience been as the only woman setter among ten setters?

My fellow setters have never treated me differently in the workplace because I am a woman. Most of the differences simply boil down to differences in climbing ability (reach, height, pulling strength, climbing style). I am one of the weakest setters and definitely the smallest one, and those aspects affect me more on the setting team than being a woman does.

Even at that, it’s not like my size or strength always affect me negatively. Usually, they do because it means I can pull less or reach less than the male setters. But there have been times when being small meant that I could fit more comfortably into a “box” or space of bodily positioning on the wall. Another advantage of my size is that my fingers can hold onto disquietingly small holds.

Anyway, my general experience with the other setters has been quite positive. Most of the setters, most of the time, are really helpful and encouraging with feedback as well. David, in particular, has been a great mentor in my learning process in setting; if something doesn’t go well, he helps me understand why something didn’t work the way I wanted it to and helps me see ways to avoid or work with similar situations. 

The primary negative of being the only woman on the setting team is that my specifically-female bodily functions disturb my setting and climbing. Cramps, for example, cause major interference with my climbing and my focus. Need I get into more detail?

What I’ve also felt is that customers’ eyes are on my sets. Some customers have talked to me about how much they enjoy or struggle on my climbs because the climbs suit them or not. Such customers will often mention something like, “Your setting is different from the guys’! The box is smaller, more female-friendly.” One time, a male customer told me that it was refreshing to see his wife cruise some climbs which challenged him more.

Aside from customers’ comments, I also feel that customers--male especially--watch me on a set day. That feeling may be based on real occurrences, or it could be all in my head. My thoughts are that it’s hard not to notice one small girl doing this hard work with five dudes.

I’m not sure what, if anything, these customers think when they see that, but that feeling makes me pretty insecure and self-conscious. What if they think I don’t belong? What if they’re impressed? Is there a certain image or reputation I should keep up?

Like I said, that feeling might not even be based on reality; people might not really be watching me as the only woman on the setting team. But that’s beside the point. The point is that I am aware of my being the only woman on the setting team and, further, that that awareness affects how I feel about being the only woman there.

Like pursuing setting, not letting it get to me (not giving a shit, caring more about the activity itself as opposed to who else is there) is a solution to that negative feeling. Isn’t it easier said than done, though? I suppose it may be something to work on, something that I’ll come to terms with in time.

Do any of you have experiences like this? What are your thoughts?

[thecoroutfitters]

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730.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 46

4401. Do online relationships actually work? i find that they have! i know a couple that are happily married that met through tumblr. 4402. Did you know who Nora Jones was before the grammys? not sure haha. 4403. In Maine school teachers are being told by the board of education that cannot criticize the possible upcoming war in front of students because those kids with military parents were getting upset by it in a few cases. What do you think of this? i mean it’s best that teachers don’t force their political views upon their students in the first place if they’re still young. 4405. Should a convicted murderer have the same right to be on the organ donor waiting list as anyone else? it depends if they’re out of prison or not.

4406. Is there a difference between american rights and human rights? If so what is the difference? not familiar with american rights. 4407. What is the only completely instrumental album ever to be labeled as having explicit lyrics? no idea lol. 4408. Who would you rather put in a box and mail to abu dabbi, Tipper Gore or Hilary Clinton? idk much about either. 4409. What are your top three favorite comic strips? the only three i’ve read i guess lol. 4410. Can you name anything that sucks more than Creed? nickelback. 4411. Is eminem a genius? Why or why not? he’s a good rapper, i’ll give him that. 4412. Where is abu dabbi anyway? it doesn’t exist... i’ve heard of abu dhabi though lel. 4413. Where do you think woman are the most free from social pressure to please men, the US, Egypt or Japan and why? honestly have no idea. i’d guess usa. 4414. Is there a difference between crisps and crackers? crisps are potato chips... crackers are crackers lol. 4415. If you were going to download three movies that you wouldn't have paid for but you'll watch since they're free what would you download? i don’t download anymore i just stream. 4416. If you had a ferret what would you name it? weasel. 4417. What do you think of peta? i get that they’re standing up for a good cause, they way they execute some campaigns are questionable though. 4418. If you started your own music awards show what would be the three most prestigious awards you gave out and who would win them this year?What would your show be looking for in an artist? i would be too lazy to do this. 4419. Is there a difference between a musical artist and an entertainer? yes. 4420. How would you rank the following people, artist or entertainer? Wierd Al: entertainer. Britney Spears: entertainer. David Bowie: entertainer. Eminem: artist. Moby: artist. Marilyn Manson: artist. Tiny Tim: idk them. The Monkeys: not sure. The Sex Pistols: artist. 4421. Why does Polly Pocket no oonger fit into your pocket? i haven’t seen one in years. 4422. Would you eat a cereal called Mud & Bugs?Yes, there is such a cereal. i don’t eat cereal at all. 4423. If you were a mythical creature which one would you be? unicorn. 4424. What do you think of the new pregnant barbie (called happy family barbie)? haven’t seen it. 4425. What is one thing you know is a lie? idk. 4426. How is your soul today? still there. 4427. Are you into sci fi? not really. 4428. What's a 'poppet'? idk, a pet name for a young girl? 4429. How's the name Shane? not a fan. 4430. What is expected of your gender that you don't quite live up to? be interested in fashion i guess. 4431. Koolaid. ifr it'll dye your heair, try to imagine what it does to your stomach: Do people still dye their hair with koolaid? not that i know of. 4432. If you build it, they will come. What is it? who are they? idk lol. 4433. What would you never do to get attention? cause a scene in public. 4434. Should we try to control nature? somteimes we can’t. 4435. Who is the most powerful villain in the universe? world leaders. 4436. Invent a superhero to deal with that villain? no lol. 4437. Who are you desperately missing? my family. 4438. What gives you a feeling of perfection and peace? having everything done on your to-do list and just getting to relax. 4439. Are you already whole and complete or does something make you whole and complete? What? until i reach my goals, i am not complete. 4440. Do you prefer the word mankind or humankind? it’s whatever. 4441. Do you look good in yellow? not sure since i don’t own anything yellow. 4442. What do you want to win? satisfaction. 4443. What gives someone power? Who has power over you? Who do you have power over? yawn. 4444. What question do you really want to know the answer to: in general? what happens are we die. about yourself? will i ever be successful. 4445. The lamest Disney movie ever was: they’re all decent. 4446. One thing you thought you would never miss but do is: my childhood. 4447. In what ways are you a role model?In what ways are you a bad example? haha idk. 4448. How is your blood pressure? higher than usual apparently. 4449. What was our last horrble nightmare about? i forgot. 4450. Hey you. What do you say? what? 4451. What is your favorite waste of time (BESIDES this survey)? sleeping. 4452. How would you like to die? in my sleep. 4453. What are three words used in your area/dialect that many other areas/dialects wouldn't be familiar with? chat, ceebs, oath. 4454. What are the ages of the oldest and youngest person you've ever had sex with? i’ve only had sex with one person. 4455. What is the wierdest place you have ever woken up? nowhere. Did you remember how you got there? yes. 4456. How do you feel when your partner is talking to an ex? he doesn’t have an ex. 4457. Is there an unrequited (unreturned) love in your life? nope. 4458. What is the most expensive gift you have ever given? from recent memory an ipad. received? macbook or jewellery. 4459. List three traits that might help you to fall madly in love: sense of humour, kind, good looking. 4460. Do children like you? sometimes. depends on the kid. 4461. If you found your child's diary would you read it? What if you found the diary of one of your parents? probably not unless i was worried about them. for both. 4462. Have you ever stalked or killed a wild animal? nope. 4463. True or Fales. You are moody in the morning: true. woman first: i wish it were true. baby corn freaks you out: false. Life is fair: false. 4464. Name something you are now prepared to reveal about yourself that you weren't ready to talk about in the past? nothing. 4465. Name a talent someone has of which you are jealous: singing. 4466. What would you think if you met yourself at a aprty? it depends what kind of mood i’m in that day. i’d be forgettable if i wasn’t being social. 4467. What would you most likely complain about in a Hotel? cleanliness, temperature or the bathroom not working properly. 4468. Agree or disagree. men need to be treated like children: not always. it is possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time: agree. but not me personally. you often feel pressured by others: agree. couples should live together before marriage: personally agree. 4469. If you owned a restraunt what kind of cuisine would you serve? a world buffet of amazing quality dishes. 4470. Three words that describe your ideal day in bed are: netflix, cuddles, rainy. 4471. If you had a ticket for a month is paradise where would you go? the bahamas. 4472. All men like to hear: you’re right. All woman like to hear: you’re right. 4473. If you are a woman what is your most masculine or macho trait or ability? If you are a man what is your most feminine trait or ability? haha no. 4474. How would you feel attending the wedding of an ex? if we ended on good terms and i was invited then i’d attend in a heartbeat. 4475. Fiction or nonfiction. You can lie with a straight face: nonfiction. You pee in the shower: nonfiction. you prefer honesty even when it hurts: nonfiction. uncapped toothpaste causes problems: nonfiction. 4476. What is the longest lust can last? no idea. 4477. What would you like to experiance while blindfolded? idk. nothing. 4478. The most horrifying couple you know is: sofia richie and scott disick. wtf do they even talk about? 4479. Name three things you have experianced that would shock your parents: drugs, sex, that’s about it. 4480. The oddest thing you have ever put in your mouth is: turtle. 4481. Lie or truth. love is a battlefield: truth. you watch too much tv: lie. woman enjoy sex as much as men do: truth. you are often tired: truth. 4482. What is the craziest thing you've done for attention? nothing. 4483. Do you believe in using the silent treatment? sometimes, for me to clear my head. 4484. Your most embaressing thought: idk lol. 4485. Your most prejudiced thought: idk. 4486. A shameful moment for you: where i am in life right now. 4487. The biggest gamble of your life: literal gambling. 4488. What is your greatest weakness as a friend? i care too much. 4489. Yes or No. complaining is a release: yes. James Bond movies are sexy: no. You feel better when you have a tan: yes. You sometimes eat your boogers: no. If yes, that's okay. 4490. Do you sometimes enjoy being mean? sometimes. nothing too mean spirited though. 4491. Are you high maintenance? no. 4492. Would you rather assume the role of sexual student or teacher? what? 4493. How many lovers do you consider to be too many? idk. 4494. What fortune would you want to find in a fortune cookie? anything that would actually come true. 4495. Nothing says lovin' like: idk. 4496. Have you seen Bowling for Columbine? If yes what'd you think of it? no. 4497. Do you overuse the word genius? no lol i hardly say it. 4498. Are you proud of the history of your people? Why or why not? my country, no.  4499. Do you think about world destruction? it is what it is. 4500. What object could completely symbolize maleness? How about famaleness? no.

[lunaciclo]

Men or mice: is masculinity in crisis?

We are in the midst of a renewed discussion about masculinity in crisis. The latest contribution comes from Iain Duncan Smith, who this week suggested at a Tory Conference fringe event that unmarried men from poorer backgrounds are prone to become “dysfunctional” human beings who can be problematic for society. His words mirror other recent descriptions of masculinity as “toxic”, “broken” and, especially, “in crisis”.

The rise of this purported crisis debate is indicative of the fact we are living in a time of significant social change. Because so many of the historical constructions of society are fundamentally patriarchal, when those ossified structures are loosened – whether by a movement (first- and second-wave feminism, for example) or circumstance (de-industrialisation, financial crisis, or the fracturing of political predictabilities) – then any one-size conception of masculinity buried within them is thrown into the open.

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Football, with its rigid and simplified codes of accepted behaviour, can provide a very clear lens for viewing the relationship between what a man is expected to be in a particular world, and what can become of a man who does not meet those expectations – both inside the squad, and on the terraces.

And nowhere is the triangular relationship between football, place and hard-clung hegemonic ideals more pronounced than in the post-industrial heartlands of the north: Glasgow, Liverpool and the north-east. Which, statistically, are the areas where men are markedly “in crisis”.

The most recent ONS figures show the north-east has the highest avoidable mortality rate for males in England. Suicide, the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK, has its second highest rate in the region – a fact that, for many commentators, bears some relation to statistics on joblessness and employment precarity. The north-east had the joint-lowest average actual weekly hours of work by men during the last tax year.

Throughout history, a common instigator of the masculinity-in-crisis conversation has been the shifting of cultural constructions of the workplace – and it was one such fretful period that gave rise to the institution of football in the first place. As Victorian men moved from the fields into factories, so grew a fear that their sons, now spending more time at home with their mothers, were at risk of becoming feminised, or “inverted” (the Freudian term for homosexual).

Organised sport, with its emphasis on male bonding and toughness, was a concerted work of remasculinisation. Over time, as football clubs gained popularity, that masculine paradigm remained in place, bolted on to the parallel institutions of heavy industry that grew alongside the sport.

For a great many men, there is still a safety in the familiarity of that structure. The industry may be gone, but the way of life – the kind of man – it embodies still echoes out from every empty shipyard and derelict factory. Picking apart the threads of its masculine tradition can, to some, feel tantamount to the denigration of a people’s history. Take away the external edifice to expose the inner core of any man with a fixed belief system – one that might traditionally promote hardness over shyness, the repudiation of emotional expression – and what is often revealed is an anxiety of relevance.

The Men’s Voices Project gives an absorbing insight into this anxiety. It is a sound exhibition curated from dozens of interviews with men and boys in the north-east – from Deerbolt Young Offenders Institution, Barnardo’s Domestic Violence Perpetrator Programme and The Woodlands Pupil Referral Unit – in which we can hear, as the undercurrent to many of the conversations, the issue of control.

One of the notable refrains is an unease, particularly of older men, at the so-called feminisation of the workplace, as clerical and service industries have taken the place of manufacturing labour. Even though these newer industries are themselves mostly insecure forms of employment, a private insecurity repeatedly shows itself at the idea of a man not being the breadwinner:

“If my missus was … the sole provider, I think there’d be a lot of friction in the house, because my manliness would be gone… I would feel really angry at her, and at myself. But probably at myself more.”

To some men, the balance of power has reversed and, in the words of another interviewee: “It’s the man that needs the equal rights, not the woman. It’s the man that’s getting put out.”

‘Lost sense of masculinity’

The loss of industry over the last half century has taken with it a vital signifier of identity for many men. And in their reconstruction of who they are, their football club is sometimes the last remaining bastion.

There are men in the stands at Sunderland, Newcastle and Middlesbrough, as there are throughout the north, who used to work in factories, shipyards, steelworks. It is natural enough that their sons and grandsons beside them might feel a connection to that heritage, steeped as it is into the culture of match day – from the names of the pubs they drink in before the game to the stories at the bar of times gone by, that lock together into a framework of belonging.

But thinking of that framework as inviolable is problematic. For one thing, the match day environment is, slowly but surely, moving with the times. As Simon Bolton, of the Middlesbrough Official Supporters Club, puts it: “If you want to mix purely with other men and feel that you’re in an environment of male dominance, forget going to a match at the Riverside … Boro fans come in all ages, young and old, and all genders. If the men of today want to use football as a way of regaining any lost sense of masculinity, they’d best look elsewhere.”

Furthermore, a preconceived identity can be a burden as much as it can be a celebration. The image of the Newcastle supporter, in particular, can be a trying one to live up to. I spoke to one fan whose father worked as an oil rig electrician, and whose grandfather was a foreman joiner at the Swan Hunter shipyard. Dan, however, “can’t wire a plug”. He works in new media, and moved away from the city two decades ago. His own sense of belonging comes, now, from the outside, and he has an honest appraisal of the typecast of a Newcastle supporter:

“I’ve always felt it became a parody of itself. There’s a real media perception of what Geordie men are like, that becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. There’s a kernel – it comes from reality – but the perception of it means that you actually live up to that stereotype. It’s an inherited way of behaving.”

When I asked him what that way of behaving is, he told me a statistic about champagne drinking: that Newcastle has the highest rate of champagne consumption per capita outside of London. “Hedonistic,” he says, “is an apt word for the Geordie man.”

Hedonism, certainly, is associated with the popular perception of the city, in a way that, in the other post-industrialised urban centres of the region, it is not. And hedonism as an identity, a stereotype, can be a difficult cross to bear too.

‘Love the lunatic’

Dan grew up in Whickham, the town next to Dunstan, birthplace of the ultimate Geordie self-fulfilling prophecy. Paul Gascoigne was the son of a hod-carrier father and a mother who worked in a chip shop and as a cleaner. He came from a background of working-class masculinity – and signed as an apprentice for Newcastle with the purpose of taking on the role of family breadwinner.

From this lineage of Geordie Men, as the cultural fabric of the area began to change, the persona of “Gazza” led the way for a new kind of post-industrial masculine identity. He was every inch a Geordie, but one that came to represent the hedonistic, hard-drinking party spirit that started to brand Newcastle in the nineties. He was daft as a brush, drunk; yet limitless, messianic.

The constraints of such an act, however, can have the consequence that, once the structure around that life falls away, so too can the individual attached to it. Gascoigne’s struggles, pre- and post-retirement, with alcohol, mental illness, bankruptcy, gambling and bulimia have been lengthily documented. His ex-wife has written about the years of domestic abuse he subjected her to. He has been prosecuted for assault and, more recently, racist abuse.

But throughout his psychological and physical deterioration, when what he has clearly needed is a supported departure from his old way of living, it is notable that the barometer of his health has habitually been measured, publicly, not by signs of a new Gascoigne, but by applauding any reversion to the man he used to be ...

“Great to see Gazza back on form” ... “Great to see Gazza in such sparkling form. Love the lunatic.” (Piers Morgan and Gary Lineker tweets after Gascoigne’s appearance on the Fletch and Sav show, 2015)

It is not only Paul Gascoigne who has found himself emotionally and socially hamstrung by that tagline: “love the lunatic”. The expectation to behave in a prescribed way (which, pertinently, for Gascoigne does involve showing emotion) brings us back to the anxiety of relevance that many men feel.

A recent book about Tyneside, Akenside Syndrome: Scratching the Surface of Geordie Identity by Joe Sharkey, describes an alienation felt by those men of the area who are not in tune with accepted codes of masculinity. The author outlines “four pillars” of Geordie identity – class, accent, drink, football – to which the Geordie male is supposed to conform. There is a pressure to be that person which comes from the outside, as Dan describes, and also from within.

Andrew Hankinson, the author of a brilliant, bruising narrative about the Tyneside murderer Raoul Moat, You Could Do Something Amazing With Your Life (You Are Raoul Moat) – a story that Gascoigne has a brief, bizarre connection to, as he tried to bring a chicken and a fishing rod to Moat during the police stand-off – explained to me his own feelings of Akenside Syndrome:

“There’s an unreconstructed nature to masculinity in the north-east and I don’t come up to scratch: I don’t have a Geordie accent, I’m not into football, I don’t go out on the piss on Friday nights, I do childcare ... I once had a ticket inspector on the metro ask me why I was looking after my kids on a weekday.”

Hankinson ascribes a similar feeling of not fitting in to Moat himself: “He hardly drank, he didn’t like football. People assume he was trying to overcome a crisis of masculinity by working out and developing big muscles and being violent, but I actually think his crisis of masculinity was as evident in what he said and wrote about money.” According to Hankinson, “he regarded an expensive car and big house as status symbols of masculinity, but he couldn’t achieve them, and it made him feel horrible about himself.”

‘I’m crying, I’m angry’

Performing a man is not the same thing as being a man. There can be a security in the performance, though, because it sidesteps the difficulty that confronting emotions and thoughts entails. One of the Men’s Voices conversations that most struck me was one in which an interviewee admits the emotional challenge of walking his dog – because being alone, without the surrounding noise of work, sport and banter, can be hard:

“I find myself, the longer the walk goes, [getting] more upset … Well, actually, more de-stressed – but through that period to being de-stressed, I’m crying, I’m angry, I’m running … It takes a while to get to that place.”

What some men need – not only in the north-east, but in all those areas of life (private and public) where an old, familiar order has broken down and men have yet to let in different kinds of identity – is help getting them to that place; acknowledging rather than avoiding the difficulty of the transition. Focusing attention on the everyday crises that people are facing is part of that. Support (together with its counterpart: governmental relieving of the policies and ideologies that put men, and women, in economic and social hardship) is another.

And such support is growing. The Men’s Cree project in County Durham is one such initiative. Set up by the East Durham Community Trust in 2010, each cree (a vernacular word for a pigeon shed) provides an encouraging environment for men to come and simply talk. From 11 crees the project has grown, by the time of the council’s recent taking of the project in-house, to 41 across the whole of the county.

Much of the spread was achieved, the trust’s chief-executive Malcolm Fallow told me, by word of mouth: “At bus stands, or by people mentioning it to men who they knew had been bereaved or lost their job.” The success of the scheme is in its straightforwardness. There is always an activity – repairing bikes; growing vegetables; stonemasonry; heritage site visits – around and through which the men can talk to each other.

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Fallow related one especially moving story about a former miner who used to do the shopping “for his wife”, as the man saw it, and would not tell her if he knew she had missed items off the list, knowing it would mean he’d get another trip to the shop. “That would fill his afternoon in. But once he had the [pigeon] shed to go to, that wasn’t necessary.”

For this man, as for many others who have benefited from the project, simply finding a new activity to organise his time around improved his mental health. Replacing an entrenched structure with nothing is an inevitable cause of real crisis. Replacing it with a new box to be put in is not healthy either.

Dialogue, openness, empathy and equality are what is needed by us all – men and women – both to aid those in trouble, and to move the crisis conversation on from “how to be a man” to “how to be a person”.

source: https://www.theguardian.com/inequality/2017/oct/06/men-or-mice-is-masculinity-in-crisis-ross-raisin