#and just stopped therapy period bc it just. idk. i always stop going

[scramratz]

Hey! I'm in a very peculiar situation and would love some advice. Basically I always been naturally androgynous and never thought much about it. Partially is bc I have a hormone deficiency problem, the part of my body who supposed to send the signals to the rest of the body to produce hormone basically doesn't work. I was born like that and when I was a tiny kid I started taking growing hormones. Time pass and bc my family is v disfuncional and I was living in a abusive environment my mother decided I didn't need to go to the doctor anymore. I was 12 at the time. So basically I never got my period, and my body as a whole never fully "developed". When I was younger I thought I should be ashamed of that bc people would point out I didn't have boobs. I shaved my head when I was 16 and everybody would misgender me. At the time that made self conscious and ashamed bc even though I was happy the way I looked I felt like people were point it out my health problem yk? Like I wasn't a real woman. I'm 25 now and this year I finally had the financial security to go back to the doctor and started hormone therapy. The doc only prescribed me hrt tho and to my surprise I started to feel very bad about myself. I already had body dysmorphia and now I just don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I'm losing me. My boobs are getting bigger and my body fat as a whole seems to be changing it's distribution, I also got my period. It's been four months and I really really want to take testosterone to see if I can go back again to be more androgynous. I want to get more body hair, gain muscle mass etc Idk if I'm nb or something, I just know I was happy presenting my whole life as that and I'm scare of losing it. But I also don't know how to tell this to my doctor, I'm so afraid she will not take me seriously (or worse). Anyway I don't know what to do, Idk if I can even take testosterone whiteout having sure I'm trans.

This is a very peculiar situation! I’m not a doctor and this is way above my pay grade but wouldn’t stopping estrogen help? You naturally don’t produce enough hormones so stopping estrogen would theoretically stop you from feminizing further right? Though, it’s unhealthy to not have any hormones in your body isn’t it? In that case, you could try going to a different doctor, like a planned parenthood, that’s informed consent and just tell them you want to start masculinizing hormones. Also it’s worth a shot just talking to your doctor about how you’re feeling! Wosrt case scenario, you gotta get a new doctor.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

hello helloo! i just read through your modern au and I'm in love (shocker), i wanted to ask if you'd give some more info on poppy? apologies if there's already a dedicated post to her, looking is not my specialty

there is not! i will gladly ramble!

~

in this au, Poppy is slightly less fearful than canon. this is for several reasons! 1) years of therapy. 2) anxiety meds. 3) teenage years of her friends dragging her out for Shenanigans & hyping her tf up! but she's still a worrywart! she's very cautious! she can and Will see the bad/dengerous side to every situation. but! now she has the tools to not only cope with but combat her intrusive thoughts & fears <3

i think i mentioned it before but she Did Not Realize she was trans until highschool! specifically, when she met Sally! Poppy had to stop by the theater department after school for some reason or another, and Sally noticed her looking longingly at the costume dresses (Poppy thought she was alone lol)

and while Poppy was mortified at being caught, Sally was delighted. they only knew each other in passing and from reputation but Sally started holding up dresses to Poppy and complimenting how well they suited her. (i could joke about how Sally could sniff out the lesbian in her before Poppy even knew she was a girl!) Poppy, flustered by the sudden attention and apparent acceptance, didn't know how to handle it and fled. then started avoiding Sally in the halls. but! eventually she had to go back for Insert Reason Here, and ofc Sally was there. this time around Sally is a little gentler and less assertive, but manages to coax Poppy into checking out the more ~feminine~ costumes again. thus begins their little meetings where Poppy tries on costumes and Sally is her biggest hypeman

it takes a while for things to Click in Poppy's mind! it isn't until she tries on a dress that Sally custom-made for her, wearing some makeup and a wig, that Poppy has her oh moment. unfortunately, some of their ~mutual friends~ (Wally, Barnaby, Howdy) walk in on them. there's a short, terrifying moment where Wally is all "who's your friend, Sally?" and Barnaby has to lean over to let him know "that's Poppy, bud". before Poppy can fully freak out, Wally immediately goes OH! and starts complimenting how pretty she looks. Barnaby chimes in next to ask if the dress is home-made bc it fits Poppy beautifully, Howdy nabs a necklace from the nearby gathered accessories and put it on her to "tie the outfit together". in short! Poppy finds nothing but support from her buddies & they're more than happy to help her figure out this new internal crisis / revelation

then of course eventually she's found out by her family, which goes very well (im using sarcasm! it goes terribly!). Poppy isn't outright disowned or kicked out or in immediate danger, but her relationship with her family is ruined by their transphobic bigotry. her friends have her back throughout this, and the guest room at the Beagle farm is always open to her! Sally continues to make custom clothes for Poppy (something that becomes a love language for the two of them <3).

honestly, this period in Poppy's life is part of what like... idk... strengthens her, in a way? her continuing to be herself and actively rebelling against her family, i mean. Poppy becomes a pretty stellar liar lol (lying to her parents about where she's going, who she's hanging out with, what she does after school, etc). she's very cautious about all of it, but she does it! she's determined to pursue and discover and Realize the woman inside her! i have this sweet scene in my mind of the Group at the Beagle farm chilling on the floor with notebooks, brainstorming on possible names. (Sally enthusiastically says a variation of 'exquisite' to each one, and then when Poppy says 'im not sure about that one' Sally - still enthusiastically - says a variation of 'horrible terrible how could you suggest such an ill-fitting name'). despite everyone's efforts, i like to think that Poppy finds her name entirely on accident! maybe during the Gap Year Road Trip! maybe they stop by a SoCal poppy reserve in superbloom and the flowers Resonate with her! who's to say!

but Poppy begins her (medical) transition in college! she, of course, gets shit for it, but she also begins to find community and enjoyment in the local queer community. and of course, she has her buddies <3

but anyway! i like to think that Poppy participates in local farmer's markets with her crochet work & baked goods, the latter of which is a complete hit! that, plus her first experience with going to a tearoom inspires her to strive towards owning her own! tearooms are right up her alley, i'd say - calm, quiet, and Poppy can make peoples' days a little brighter with a tranquil atmosphere & delicious treats! i swear i have a reason between 'Poppy british = she goes into tea business'. honestly! tearooms are more about the tiny sammies & tasty cones w/ cream! and feeling Fancy while chatting!

i think it takes a while for her to actually be able to start up a tearoom. I'd imagine she starts by holding a small, single-table reservation-based one in her own place once the Group decides on what town to move to. it's successful, slowly (but steadily) grows, until she can get an actual House and transform the ground floor into a full tearoom. lil shop by the checkout counter, several different rooms, a sizeable kitchen. staff! the tearoom is a humble one, but it's a killer holiday & tourist destination! the high ratings even bring in people from out of town!

and when it comes to Poppy & Sally, bc yall know i'm a sucker for Popstar - i like to think that they start dating after (mostly) all of them move into their new town. & after they both have been in prior relationships! and then they never stop dating. well, they do, but that's so that they can upgrade to Wife Status. and then they never stop being wives so there <3

but Poppy is successful and happy! she had a rough go of it but she Makes It! and she continues to make it!

[cupuasu]

idk man i dont feel the need to always message my friends and always go out with friends like if it happens it happens i like the spontaneity of it all. i don't think i'm a bad friend for not being up someone's ass all the time. i can spend months not talking to someone but if i see them on the street i'll go up to hug and talk to them bc for me it's never that deep to spend a long period not contacting someone. plus now all friends i made irl are at completely different point in their lives and i'm still at the same place i was in like 2019 so i do feel like i'm not "supposed" to be bothering them (wrong of me to assume im bothering i know but all i do is wait for most of them to do the first move). and nowadays all everyone posts about is you're not a real friend if you dont answer my msgs 1 second later you're not a real friend if you don't go to parties 8 days a week with someone you met in the public bathroom a thousand years ago you're not a real friend if you don't go to therapy and stop bothering your friends about your illness like omg. i'll talk to people i like i'll hang out whenever it works and i'll message you back and i won't mention my depression and i'll act normal in public but i honestly can't wait to go back home and be alone. i love you so much and me not talking to you doesn't mean i like you less or that i don't want to be your friend it just means i want some time out to be on my own lol

[celestie0]

Hello ellie! 😍 im just here to drop a ‘few’ words so don’t mind me 🤪 (i fear it may have turned into a yapsesh oopsies!)

Help omg idk if this is tmi but like im on my period and I was reading chap 3 of ihm right… and how could i prevent myself from laughing at my fav goofy ahh lighthearted romcom series on tumblr? 😔 put 2 and 2 together and boom i had my ketchup bottle moment when reading the dialogue bye 💀🤚 I LITERALLY HAD TO STOP FOR A MOMENT TO PROCESS WTH JUST HAPPENED LOL

Anyway, i rlly LOVEEEE your writing style for ihm,, the goofiness n domesticity is what I need as therapy for the heart wrenching angst fics ive read 😤 the way you write y/n + gojo’s dynamic and quarrels never fail to make me crack up like an egg and i love you for that 😔 THANK YOU FOR CREATING A COMFORT FIC FOR US ALL 🥺🫶

I hope I’m not stepping out of line here but your feelings abt the smut in ihm is totally valid and i understand you. That anon probs didn’t intend on bringing any harm but like there’s bountiful of smut in the jjk fandom that I’m sure they could have read instead of commenting smth so ignorant and disrespectful 🥲 Pls every time i search ‘jjk x reader’ in the search tab, i’m always greeted by endless posts of smut one-shots 😭 but fr this fandom actually needs to stop being a buncha horny brainrots bc im actually over repetitive and predictable smut,, everything just feels so shallow :,0 (everyone is entitled to their own opinion so dont atk me pls) and them invading your personal space by demanding smut is just not it… and we all know you don’t have to cater to them bc u don’t owe them anything! no need to listen to the smut hungry anons bc they don’t even care abt the blood, sweat and tears you pour into ur fics if they’re pushing you to write smut 😡‼️ they can go fulfil their dirty desires somewhere else ;-;

Words seriously cannot express how much I love your stories and just wanna applaud you for not immediately jumping into smut and actually having relationship buildup,, it makes the stories have sustenance and ik u want ur fics to be memorable in a unique way to your lovely readers 😇 but we seriously need a smut ban n touch grass movement in the jjk fandom for a bit bc this is getting out of hand 😭

I LOVE YOU ELLIE AND PLS DONT BE DISCOURAGED BY THESE SILLY ANONS BC AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY R NOTHING + YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM (us ACTUAL readers and gojo) WILL ALWAYS HAVE UR BACK AND SHOWER U IN THE LOVE THAT U DESERVE!!! ❤️

hiii bb!! PLEASE the ketchup bottle moment sent me to the moon also so fucking relatable xD and omg i'm so glad you enjoy the lightheartedness of ihm so far!! it's been sm fun to write and it's become a comfort fic of my own as well <33

thanks so much for the support on the smut thing <3 i've been toggling back n forth between feeling awful for coming at that anon like that vs being glad i stood up for myself lol, but ultimately, i just needed to share my perspective. i don't think they were trying to be rude either, which is why i felt bad, but i spoke my truth lol

and i totally agree w you (pls no one attack me either) but i'm honestly kind of sick of just seeing straight smut on my feed. like it's fine when i'm in the mood but the tumblr algorithm for jjk feels like your partner constantly begging you for sex 24/7 lol. but yea power to whatever someone wants to read, but don't impose it on an author.

anywho i've been talking a lot ab this situation lolol i feel like there's nothing i haven't said anymore but i totally agree w everything you've said!

thanks sm for you lovely words of support bb :'') i love u tooo and i'm so blessed to have the community of support i have on here!! this situation has definitely made me realize i'm not alone. have a wonderful dayyy (also hope your period is treating you well) <3

[pondscummy]

so me and roommate L talked on Sunday and I finally like aired some of my grievances and was like hey you really hurt me w how you treated me during my recovery and I realized I actually really don't feel like I can safely communicate with you and I haven't felt like I could for a very long time. and they did apologize and we decided to just be polite roommates and not friends at all and that's a big relief honestly bc now I'm not carrying around this tension the way I was before bc I know there's not expectation from either side but like. it's also freed me up mentally where I'm not thinking about all the immediate stuff anymore and instead I'm like remembering various random things that pissed me off but weren't big enough to focus on before lmao

the one I'm stuck on rn is how insistent they are that I'm on the spectrum. idk they do a lot of explaining myself to me that makes me like. bro shut Up you don't know what my lived experience is like lol you have no concept of anything. which. for context I have a dx and I thought I was on the spectrum for years and years but weirdly enough going to therapy and working through my ptsd made a lot of those symptoms just.... start vanishing. and one of my friends had been undiagnosed for the same reason so it got me thinking about it and talking to my therapist at the time and like. ptsd can present rly similarly. like I was neglected and abused as a child and I literally did not learn social skills, and I was very fearful of other people. as I like worked through the stuff that had instilled that in me and found my stride w stepping out of my comfort zone and getting comfortable being uncomfortable I really don't find it particularly hard to talk to people. I retook the RAADS and I got that I have tendencies but am not anywhere near diagnostic level. I'm literally moving states bc I find the idea of being in a new place and starting from scratch socially rly exciting and I want to like go out to events on my own and meet people both through apps and more organically and I want to get to be in the office with my coworkers like. obv there's more to a dx than just social anxiety but the things that my dx was primarily based in (social anxiety, need for stability/routine, aversion to connection, even sensory issues) are so easily linked back to trauma for me and like. being on the spectrum doesn't go away w therapy?? also I've found it harder and harder to befriend other people on the spectrum; I find I have less in common as time goes on and that my communication style is more focused on like small talk and less directness etc. and I don't tend to get special interests at all anymore like I find it a little difficult to discuss interests w people for long periods of time.

anyway idk my experiences just make me think that it was an incorrect dx but a rly understandable one. I'll probably always have tendencies and get along pretty well w others who do or who are on the spectrum but like I just don't think that I am. and whenever I tried to talk about this with them they'd shut it down and be like um I'm pretty sure you are lmao. and when we talked Sunday I made a comment about making some assumptions about their facial expressions at one point and they were like well we're both on the spectrum so. and I was like my guy I can read facial expressions just fine. if you're saying I can't read yours accurately bc You're on the spectrum then fine. sure. I actually think it's bc you're always so fucking stoned that every muscle in your face is dangling from the frame, personally, but like. i don't have this probably of misreading anyone else dude. like ffs stop armchair diagnosing me and acting like bc you said it then it's law. UGHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHH. it would be one thing if I thought they were saying this stuff bc they think I'm distancing myself out of internalized ableism or something. but it really seems more like they bring it up only to tell me how bad I am at things. which like I'm sorry lmao but. if I'm not giving this vibe to anyone else and I'm not displaying symptoms predominantly in my day to day life and if they're rly seeming to be correlated to my ptsd, maybe you're literally just triggering for me to be around. asshat

[klapollo]

look im. not the best 1:1 comparison. my parents are dead and before that i forced myself out of living with them bc i could. i was homeless over that. but still my mother begged for money. so while i can’t offer help. i get it. i understand what you’re going through on some level. i hear you and feel for you

and she just expected it too. like i’d always be there to bail her out just because i had a job and she didn’t. i had to be the responsible one. i don’t want to vent in your ask box bc this is about you but. people understand

it's okay anon I don't mind hearing about your situation i know ur just trying to relate and i appreciate it a lot, and i'm sorry you went through all of that -- it sounds very painful to say the least. it's just so frustrating bc i know even when i get my own account and they can't forcibly take the money like they do now i'll still feel so guilty when they ask that i'll just hand it over anyway -- they'll happily call me selfish and prey on my insecurities to make sure i fold, whether they realize it or not. and they just dont seem to see sense, so when i argue i feel (for lack of a more delicate term) insane.

my parents used to both work full time but my mom got laid off years ago and transitioned to being a full-time caretaker for my dad, who makes decent money but a) has a lot of expenses caring for his disability and b) is getting up there and has to retire soon. my brother and i are getting older and more independent and they seem very resistant to learning to live without us constantly being around. idk what's gonna happen. i'm at the point where i'm considering stopping therapy just to save a few hundred extra dollars per pay period.

it's a lot, sorry for dumping. thank you again for reaching out anon

[fox-mulder-gets-pegged]

12:28 am time to think about kindness.

Thinking about when my brother died when I was in grade 9, like right in September, and I was out of school for a few days. My friend in my period 3 geography class told our teacher for me bc he had handed out an assignment and he wanted to know if she knew when I'd be back.

I was like. A totally shit student at the time and was more focused on making jokes with my friend than learning geography. It would have absolutely not surprised me if I was told my geo teacher hated my guts. I'll be real, high school me was a total nightmare harpy.

So I was completely shocked when I stumbled back into class after the funeral and my teacher pulled me aside to tell me he was sorry for my loss. He told me not to worry about the project, that he'd just pass me on it. He told me if I needed someone to talk to, his door was open. Every other teacher I spoke to with minimal detail gave their sympathies and handed over the schoolwork I missed and that was that. A few weeks later when he noticed I was really struggling, he got me involved in this stupid trivia team my school had that he supervised (which I ended up loving and joined for all four years).

Thinking about how my depression got worse this year. How I tried to kill myself in September and ended up in a forced psyche hold for a few days. How it's been a fucking battle to keep myself upright lately. Medication adjustments, psychiatrist visits, therapy check ins every week. It's been just a complete fucking nightmare that I absolutely don't want to involve anyone else in.

I see a specialist doctor every three months for a rare health condition I have that could cause me to wake up blind one day, or make me develop seizures or have a stroke. He's got no bedside manner at all but I don't mind bc I like a doctor who doesn't bullshit me. Plus, neuro-opthalmologists aren't exactly in abundance from my understanding. Even if he's kind of a prick, you get used to it after seeing a guy every three months for about three years now.

I went to see him mid December. He asked me if I had any changes to my current health since we last saw each other. I told him about my suicide attempt since I figured as my doctor he should know.

He immediately paused the appointment. Asked how I was doing. I told him not good. It's been a lot. He told me that the damage to my eyes hadn't improved from the latest round of treatment, but it hadn't gotten worse either. And since it wasn't worse, he was going to put a stop to our treatment plan for the next three months. That's way, he said, I could focus on improving my mental health. No more pills or special diet or MRIs or spinal taps or optic nerve imaging for the next three months so I could just focus on getting better. He told me he'd pray for me and to let his receptionist know to book me in for March.

Like, idk. I guess I'm just thinking about kindness in this specific form. Less doing stuff for me, and more giving me permission to let go of some of the tasks on my to do list. There's always another school project, in three months my doctor and I might be discussing surgery if the damage to my eyes get worse. But for a little while, my plate isn't quite as full and fuck if that doesn't mean the world to me when I'm struggling.

[commoncorps3]

lol im not sure my mental and physical health has ever been this bad.

im kinda suicidal again instead of just being numb, empty, and having depersonalization/derealization but I don’t even know who to tell. my friends are probably getting overwhelmed with me/tired of me doing so bad all the time. it’s gotta be a real bummer. can’t tell my family bc they freak out or the complete opposite just tell me it’s gonna be ok. my girlfriend has DID and hasn’t fronted in several days because she’s been having a hard time mentally and physically so one of her alters (who I am not dating) has been in control. this alter doesn’t really talk to me nearly as much as my gf usually does so my bpd (and general shit mental health atm) is having a fucking field day with that. i miss her a lot. Unrelated to her but I don’t sleep or eat enough. my house is disgusting and I can’t get myself to clean it. the stupid lexapro my psych made me try gave me so many fucking side effects and I stopped taking it days ago and I’m still having the worst fucking time. i have so many bruises and scabs from how bad my skin picking has gotten from the medicine. my jaw hurts so bad bc the med made me start clenching it/gritting my teeth all the time now. my teeth feel so weak and sensitive like I’m scared they’re gonna fucking break into pieces when I eat. my acne got worse too but idk if that’s bc of the medicine or bc my hormones are crazy OR bc I’ve been on my period for basically two months at this point. i have sores on my tongue that are painful and overstimulating just to feel and i want to bite them off or something. my wisdom teeth are hurting too. im so tired. I have no excitement. im just detached from life. I’m not enjoying anything. people’s concern for me is not even fucking hitting me like it should be. I’ll be like “I want to kms” and they’ll be like “holy shit I’m worried about you i love you don’t die” and I’m just like “🤷”. it’s very frustrating. everyday feels like a shitty dream. but i never wake up. ive barely even been listening to music. which is fucking wild for me. I just listen to YouTube at work. and it’s mostly like videos on disturbing/scary shit lately. like shit I’ve barely even touched before the last few weeks. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so interested in really fucked up stuff but nothing else hits the same. I guess I subconsciously just wanna feel something. so fear and discomfort is my go-to. I’m always in pain. I have the desire to abuse drugs or drink or SOMETHING to make myself feel better. but I still really don’t even do that. oh yeah and I relapsed twice this week. once wasn’t that bad but the second time was pretty fucking rough. it’s even worse bc I literally broke apart someone’s fucking shaving razor at my friend’s house and used one of the blades. then had to wake my friend up bc the cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding. I need serious help. I don’t want to be hospitalized though. I did that earlier this year and it was a complete waste of time. I wish I could just die. I’m so tired of pushing through this hell. And I can’t help but think “well i guess it could be worse” which is true but also every time I think that something else happens. I want out. Please. I wish I had the fucking balls to kill myself like ive wanted to for the past like 12 years. No one can help me. I can’t even help me. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I take the medicine. I go to therapy. I reach out to loved ones for help. I try to live my life. But it’s not fucking working. I’m so miserable.

[elaichoi]

PLSDJJIDS I WAS THE OPPOSITE like i didnt wanna pay money but also like i had to have it to reach my fullest potential 👹👹👺

yes exactly i burnt out big time OTL cheers to being *less* mentally ill in the near future ^3^

that's totally understandable,, from the way i see it a majority of the asian population that goes by undiagnosed is v large,, and i'm not basing this off of any actual studies though i know there are some out there- but rather just the role culture (at least in most east asian cultures is as far as i'm qualified to speak for lol) plays in mental health makes diagnosis and treatment,, idk and just going by undiagnosed makes me sad that there are ppl who think this is the norm and that it's something you are expected to get over bc it's something "everyone goes thru" :( i very much relate on the front of gaslighting urself/being gaslit into thinking u just can't handle struggles that "everyone else manages to manage well" n that rlly sucks im sorry beb </3

DAMN LOL we r on the same boat on the same river 🥲 my little tiny snowball also started out w family problems and oh my god my mental health has come out of its hiding >o< i remember my counselor describing it as an unvented pressure cooker lmao

don't answer if you don't wanna, but do you still feel that way in the sense of repressing ur emotions? like refusing to acknowledge it ? i think i was like that for a small period of time but now im like the complete opposite which is like half miserable half not lmfaoo i will forever be the biggest advocate for anyone getting therapy even if u think u don't need it,,, but!! i also know its a big step and may not be accessible for some :<

no yeah cus i feel so gross and overwhelmed and like not in control of things and so ill start spiraling if i dont get up and take a shower ^_^

not throwing pity confetti in your face, just as someone who can relate at least in some ways, big kudos to u for having so much patience to put up w everything bc it must b very hard not to lose ur marbles all the time,,,, standing w u solider 🫡

OH TRUE I FORGOT AB THAT UGH BARF i remember ig always fucked up my video quality saur bad even after rendering n shit T_T

aaa goodluck bae<3 hehe yeah i always rlly want to after seeing so many pretty edits jdksdkf i might i might we shall see :>

STOPITNFSISD I WISH I COULD INSERT A REACTION PIC BC UR RIZZ GAME I HAVE NO WORDS HAHSDJJJ

mental health is such a fuck up like it's like a ticking bomb the way it can go off at any point of life and the urge to ghost everyone, im so ashamed fr

yeah like most of asian countries i feel like. in our culture mental health is seen as something that is seen interjected with "adulting" like when you grow up you're supposed to feel like this and it's your duty to like make peace with it and if you try to seek help for it your family members kinda take it like a failure like you couldnt even deal with this? there's just a whole lot of stigma surrounding it and on top of that, therapy not being that widely available in south asia is a huge problem.

bro pressure cooker, im glad to know you're actually very up front with your feelings now. it's always better than bottling them up, at least you don't feel like a stranger to yourself either, my issues make me feel like an imposter within myself like it's hard to distinguish between things that I feel like I'm making up and the other things that's fucking me up.

YOU ARE SO NICE I AM WITH YOU TOO MY SOLDIER ILY!!!!

lmao ngl I was like those scenario and concept editors right I would have continued to edit bc my edits were like THSIE most beautiful scenes in kpop mvs but I stopped bc the resolution was ASSS THAT TOO WHITE ASSS!!!!!

OMG i wonder how i rizzed u up 😩😩😩😩

[lovingrot]

i know this sounds crazy but like literally every time i speak to my mother she gaslights me dont rb

[anakinskywalkerog]

Hope this is okay to ask. You mentioned a few times that you have ocd and that it interacts with your “obsession” with Hayden. Would you mind elaborating on that a little? I’ve wondered before how fandom obsessions and ocd can interact…

sure i don’t mind talking about this

an important thing to know about OCD (or any illness, i guess) is that it isn’t an exact science. there are lots of different types of OCD, and many of them are not easily recognizable and are not portrayed in the media. i was only diagnosed a few years ago, and that’s because my OCD isn’t the, *licking doorknobs counting things checking to see that the burner is off 7 times* kind of OCD that i recognized from tv shows and books.

OCD is characterized by obsessions and compulsions—my OCD is heavily focused on ruminating thoughts, so, the easiest way i can explain that is things get stuck on my mind in a loop and i can’t get them out. sometimes it’s bad things, like horrific images or things i’m afraid will happen, but sometimes it’s random things, like specific words. my compulsions are less intense than some other types of OCD, but they come out in weird ways—i have small tics that i’m usually able to hide from other people, but often my compulsions change depending on the situation. i also have other adjacent symptoms, like echolalia.

the Hayden thing—i went through a big life change about 6 months ago, so the Hayden obsession coalesced with the fallout from that and also it being a few months before the Kenobi series premiered. Hayden was obviously my first childhood crush and i’ve always loved him and the SW prequels, but with my OCD i can develop obsessions randomly and because i was already not going well, i started compulsively looking at Hayden content on the internet. i watched the movies over and over again and it started as, “i’m just comforting myself by watching movies i love,” but i couldn’t stop watching them…like i felt sick/unwell/upset until i was watching a star wars movie. i was thinking about Hayden and the movies and the new show ALL the time, i had a hard time not bringing it up in conversation, and i was scouring the internet for every single interview he’d ever done. when new stuff from the press tour would surface it was like crack to me lol. idk how to explain it other than to say it was extremely uncomfortable. i couldn’t think about anything else, i was constantly on my phone, and at that time i made this Tumblr because looking for content wasn’t enough for me anymore and i felt like i needed to interact and talk to others about Hayden, bc my obsession was so deep. it’s like scratching an itch, but scratching it so much that it started to bleed/hurt, but not being able to stop scratching it.

this has happened with other things before in different ways. and the obsession has slowly faded. as i mentioned, it’s not really clinical anymore, though i do think i’m still struggling a bit with compulsivity with Tumblr and fanfiction etc. but it isn’t nearly as bad as it was. and i’m sure that whenever i’m doing poorly mentally an obsession like this will happen again for something else. but whenever it gets bad like that i have to remember that it won’t last forever and that it will pass.

anyway, OCD doesn’t ever go away but there are definitely periods when it’s better 😋 and i’m in therapy obviously so that helps too. if anyone is reading this who also has OCD, i hope you feel the camaraderie i’m sending you through the screen!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Heya just wanted some advice here. I'm a 19 yr old INTJ with depression (have been for 5-6 yrs now). Just wanted to know how to get out of this rut I'm in. Idk if it's a loop or what, I just know I'm depressed and it has definitely worsened since 2020. I don't take any medication and no therapy, although I know I should. When I'm financially stable, I'm planning to.

Anyways, I've been disqualified from college bc of my very low grades and have the option to appeal to be reinstated (and even then, if i do apply for a reappeal, there's a chance they could reject me anyway). In all honesty, I don't want to. I can't be bothered to care for school anymore. I guess most people would be horrified to have such failing grades, but I have no emotions towards it. It's just "oh well" for me. I didn't really want to go in the first place anyway, but my older sister suggested for me to try and I did...which ended up being a waste of time for me and I regret it. I guess it's good I only went for 1 yr lol. Maybe I should have waited or maybe I'm just not a college type at all. I've always disliked school anyways. I managed my depression well back then since i was a good student, straight A's and all, but now I've just completely stopped caring.

I will have to tell my family, but I don't want to tell them about my depression and all that...I haven't told anyone else about my mental issues besides my closest friends and even then, I hardly open up to them about my issues in general (honestly even now i am hesitant abt typing all this despite being anon lol...). My family has never forced me to do anything and give me a lot of freedom actually, so I think they will understand. Even though I often dislike them at times, I do appreciate that they don't force me into anything... I guess I just fear being open about my mental illness. I'm hoping it will be enough to say I just don't have the motivation and focus for school anymore without having to go any deeper. I know I can't just stay home though, staying home drives me crazy and honestly worsens my depression. I do try to keep myself busy at home with chores and babysitting my nephew. But that's still not good enough...I can't drive yet so can't go out and get a job, although I do want to. My best bet is working from home

I am very interested in art and have an art account, although not a lot of followers , but I could try opening commissions up. My lack of followers is my fault lol. I don't upload very often, but I do know my art is good (not in an arrogant way; I definitely know i still have A LOT to learn and I always try to improve my skills) and I know a few people will commission me. I just need a consistent schedule and energy level I think...Instagram's constant changing algorithm is confusing to keep up with + depression killing my energy and motivation + dealing with a baby is exhausting (and i already dislike children to begin with...).

And a week or 2 before my period starts, my depression gets even worse, to the point of daily suicidal ideation in those weeks (I'm sure I have PMDD or PME...likely PME as I'm already depressed and it gets worse before the cycle then goes back to my "normal" state of depression after period ends.) Still, art and the fear of failing to successfully take my own life is what is keeping me alive. If I'm gonna die, I just want to die right away lol but haven't figured that out... I do want to do something with art and be successful, yet a part of me doesn't want to bother at all and just wishes to die in my sleep. I dont really feel sad or anything, i just feel numb i think. Idk anymore

------------------------

If I have reason to doubt someone's type, I will not discuss any specifics of type development until the situation is clarified. Since I see little evidence of Ni and Te so far, I will either require you to verify your type or provide a more comprehensive explanation for your atypical function expression/development. You point to depression as a major problem and perhaps it is obscuring the view of your type development. Describing the problem is a good first step, but it’s not enough for achieving a comprehensive understanding of its roots and origins.

Depression is a multi-factorial disorder, which means that everyone’s path to recovery is somewhat different, depending on which factors are most influential. It sounds like you’re just drifting through life aimlessly with very little self-awareness. You’ll need to dig deeper into why you’re suffering and try to account for all of the factors that might have led you to be depressed. In other words, you have to identify the right causes to find the right solutions.

You already know some things you should do, yet you won’t do them. Genuine question: What will it take for you to act? What/who can help you when you don’t care about yourself enough to take responsibility for your own well-being? You don’t want people interfering in your life and that means you have to be the one to step up and take charge. You claim to not care about anything, yet people only ask for help because they care. So, do you or don’t you care? Do you or don’t you want more for yourself? What is the truth?

If you want to understand yourself better, the first thing you have to do is stop deflecting and be completely honest about what you feel. “Numbness” is merely a defense mechanism, a way to cover one’s true feelings, especially the true extent of one’s pain. You won’t understand the problem fully until you access that pain. Everyone has within them a voice that guides them toward self-actualization, so it’s time for you to start listening to it.

Mental disorders are similar to physical diseases; the longer you leave them, the worse they get. Left untreated, depression worsens over time as your life gradually falls apart and you feel as though you have less and less to live for. It sounds like you’ve left the problem festering for too long. PMDD might require medical attention to ensure there’s nothing wrong with your hormone levels, so consult with your doctor. If your doctor doesn’t take it seriously (due to gender bias and discrimination), keep looking until you find a doctor who does. Depression is treatable with cognitive behavioral therapy, so my recommendation is to seek help from a qualified therapist.

If you really don't have any access to therapy, you could at the very least educate yourself about depression and implement some practical advice about how to change some unhealthy thought patterns and poor lifestyle choices. Most major cities have public mental health resources available. The internet has great official resources about how to care better for your mental health. I have also discussed it and recommended books about it. What resources are available to you and have you made use of them? How much longer will you sit and wait? Sitting and waiting is how one gets trapped in a rut.

[notabled-noodle]

Hey so a few days ago you said a thing either about or that I read as special interests in autism being kinda like a lens, so I was wondering if it’d be ok for me to ask if my situation applied?(if not it’s fine, feel free to stop reading now bc idk how long/short this’ll be)

So I’ve been someone who adores stories most of my life, and it has been a way that I’ve explained real world stuff to myself, little and big, to the point where my brother(who is diagnosed with autism and is into music and reptiles) has said it’s weird and possibly problematic. But it’s just the way that I get stuff to make sense to me. If a book I’ve read has a scenario that mirrors an exact moment in real life, it’s going to be easier for me to understand. And apparently I’m pretty good at storytelling too(though one of my favorite things is world building).

As long as I can remember stories of some sort have been my go-to for anything. Motivation to clean my room? Make a story out of it. Focusing on school? I can read my book afterwards. I stayed up late last night designing a complex monetary system and making up words to correlate with different numbers to help me calm down from feeling really stressed for most of the day.

Idk if this is enough info to go off of, especially without actually knowing someone, but do you think stories might qualify as a special interest?

(I’d also like to say that while my brother is diagnosed he’s also had therapy for a good while. My parents were saying they’d work on getting me therapy pre-Covid but once everything happened in 2020 they kinda just forgot, plus I’ve kind of always been the later focus for medical and mental health stuff. Also I won’t take anything you say as a diagnosis, I’m just hoping for further insight)

yeah! special interests can definitely be a lens we use to look at the world. that's one of my favourite special interest metaphors, actually!

what you describe sounds a lot like what I'm talking about with that, yeah. anything can be a special interest, and every autistic person will have a different set of special interests. a lot of what you see online nowadays is autistic people who have specific media as a special interest, but there are definitely people who have special interests that are ideas, tropes, time periods, styles, and other more vague concepts.

I'll also say that... if it helps to have more concrete examples of a special interest being a lens, here are some examples!

I use my knowledge of dog body language and behaviour in order to understand my own emotions, and the emotions of others. dogs have literally taught me emotional intelligence

certain tasks from Taskmaster have encouraged me to learn new skills, such as hula hooping. the show has also helped me to learn the difference between a playful argument and an actual argument, and other human interaction type things

there's always a fact from a special interest that I can relate a real life event to, and this helps me to process the world around me

I hope this helps, and that it makes sense. remember that I'm just one autistic person, and every autistic person will have a different relationship to special interests

[misablr]

KARASUNO AS: songs from my saved songs & playlists.

cw/ some sex songs? uh swearing and a little bit of chaotic energy

a/n i saw this post by the lovely @amphii-writes while scrolling through tags so i decided to do one similar!! i’ll be doing each team and (trying) to give them all their own songs ! might explain might not lol it’s a lot of people and i’m lazy

•••

𝗱𝗮𝗶𝗰𝗵𝗶 𝘀𝗮𝗺𝘂𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗮- raro by chino y nacho.

it’s about two people being polar opposites and being in love and not really giving a shit if people care lol and idk that also gives me daichi vibes. also like he very much would be the type that would go with someone who’s a little different than him because he wants to know what makes them shine so bright and he just is so intrigued.

𝘀𝘂𝗴𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗮 𝗸𝗼𝘀𝗵𝗶- leviathan by g-easy

listen. suga is very much a double edged sword type of person. you get the sweet but fuck with him too much and he will literally eat you. this song also just slaps? i feel like he’s the type to listen to rap if he runs or works out idk why that’s a random hc i have of him.

𝗮𝘀𝗮𝗵𝗶 𝗮𝘇𝘂𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗲- love by kendrick lamar

asahi is a very soft person, and this song has always made me very <<<333 but like i could see this song softly playing in the background while he’s with his s/o staring at them with the most loving eyes and just wanting to hold them forever and the song has questions in it if they would stay no matter what and i feel like that’s very asahi.

𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗼𝘆𝗮 𝘆𝘂- kitty by rich brian

HELP THIS SONG IS SO CHAOTIC SHDGSJSH and it completely 100% reminds me of nishinoya. it also goes hard i very much am <<33 about this song yes it’s one of my fave rich brian songs but yes it’s chaotic but also funny?? idk noya vibes me thinks

𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗸𝗮 𝗿𝘆𝘂𝗻𝗼𝘀𝘂𝗸𝗲- a lot by 21 savage

goodbye. idk how to even explain this it’s so self explanatory. it goes hard. i love this song. i love him. the end. IDK ITS THE VIBES YK???

𝗲𝗻𝗻𝗼𝘀𝗵𝗶𝘁𝗮 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗸𝗮𝗿𝗮- comfort crowd by conan gray

HELLO!???!?!? literally this song is like my free therapy along with some others but anyways not the point- the point IS this song is so him? like it’s about conan’s best friends and the comfort he feels with him and ennoshita just has that aura about him which is why he’s seen as reliable even if he is on the quieter side he does help anyone when needed i love him that’s all.

𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗼𝘀𝗵𝗶𝘁𝗮 𝗵𝗶𝘀𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗶- ros by mac miller

THIS SONG. KINOSHITA. goodbye 🚶🏽‍♀️ he literally is there for the team ros. this song. i love him so much GRRR JSHDHSJSNSK I LITERALLY CANT EVEN LIKE EXPLAIN IT IT JUST FITS? i’m not gonna put any spoilers bc some people haven’t watched s4 but yummy i love s4 period. also. he’s so supportive of the team and cheers them on no matter what and i just ): i love him.

𝗻𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗮 𝗸𝗮𝘇𝘂𝗵𝗶𝘁𝗼- greek god by conan gray

are we sensing a theme here. anyways. narita is a pretty calm person and is pretty levelheaded and yeah greek god is a big fuck u i don’t give a shit song and idk why but i see the vibes? maybe because i secretly want to be greek god but instead i’m crush culture anyways yes.

𝘁𝗼𝗯𝗶𝗼 𝗸𝗮𝗴𝗲𝘆𝗮𝗺𝗮- kill our way to heaven by michl

the way this song makes me go brrrr in the head!! anyways, kags would do anything to reach his goals, and do whatever it takes for him to reach it and wouldn’t stop at anything. i feel like this song fits that really well?? also i could see him having this on his running playlist and just trying to motivate himself as much as possible.

𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗮 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘆𝗼- dance with me by sir, please

i actually love this song so much!! it’s a very cute song and just the beat reminds me of hinata so much? very upbeat and the lyrics are grr <3 i feel like he would throw a dance party for you while blasting this song or blaring it on a road trip and jsut giving you the biggest smile.

𝘁𝘀𝘂𝗸𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗺𝗮 𝗸𝗲𝗶- stfu by mansionz

so. idk i feel like the title is very self explanatory. HDGSJSJ yes. tsukishima🤝 me// telling people to stfu!! anyways i feel like this fits it’s very like stfu leave me alone anyways he’s bae

𝘆𝗮𝗺𝗮𝗴𝘂𝗰𝗵𝗶 𝘁𝗮𝗱𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗶- saturday nights by khalid

this song gives me so much warmth and comfort and literally for WHAT. but it’s such a dashi song,, he would 100% be there for you and listen to you rant and be by your side no matter WHAT. i love this man ): just look at his friendship with tsukishima and tell me this man wouldn’t try to make you feel better no matter what ):

[dyketectivecomics]

At long last; another recap of my 90s Gotham reading! (or rather the notes that I took along the way) Still mostly focused on Helena & Tim atm, but change for that is on the horizon...

TW for brief mentions of sexual assault &, uhh, canon typical violence

Tim

Mostly what I wanna focus on is Robin II: Joker’s Wild which... feels like an arc that’s coming in Too Soon and only serves to Prove that tims Up to Snuff.

It’s an entertaining enough read on its own, as a story that allows Tim to Hold his own against a Major™ villain. But it’s much too soon into Tims tenure as a Robin imo, and much too soon for him to have a distinct voice yet for me. It’s just... odd.

I suppose thats some of the appeal for early Tim, I can totally see him as a character here that’s supposed to be an easy way for a reader to project himself onto (he’s a Teen™, he’s a Nerd™, but even one of the Jocks™ in the story briefly point out how easy it’d be for him to be Popular™) and ofc he’s an easy way for a reader to then live vicariously through him.

having read 90s YJ already though... I can already say that I like him infinitely more in that setting than I do rn with how Dixon has handled him thus far...

again. not gonna be one of my fav robins. but i can see the meta appeal of him for others

Helena

We finally wrap up the latter “half” of the Huntress solo run and #13 opens right up with Helena rescuing a girl who’s just been sexually/physically assaulted. Takes the girl to a crisis center and meta textually is definitely taking the situation to heart bc of her own unresolved trauma which oooof

Crisis worker offers to take her on as a client which 🥺🥺🥺 (name’s Dr Evelyn Rosen, note for future randy to WRITE SOME FIC ABT THIS ACTUALLY)

at first Helena going to therapy seems like a ruse just to jacks the doc’s notebook to find out the gang’s hideout and exact VENGEANCE for the girl mentioned earlier, but later issues we see she’s still regularly attending therapy which!!!!!!!! amazing!!! wish we’d see MORE of that kinda thing for these heroes tbh!!!!

there’s a hero who steps in during this arc calling himself the Waterfront Warrior. he steals a spotlight but also the credit for stopping some gang violence, which Helena is Big Mad abt aksjks like girl do u want to be in the shadows or NOT MAKE UP UR MIND AKSJ

(He turns out to be Helena’s landlord but he’s also got a Tragic Backstory™️ and genuinely wants to Do Right by his renters and by his neighborhood just 🥺🥺🥺)

Arc ends with uplifting note abt doing what you can and it just wow. Can’t wait to see how Bruce ruins this alsjaksjsj 

Batman comin to HELENAS city and she is having NONE of it. OH HOW THE TURNTABLES

okay, read thru this all VERY quickly, some stuff to note is that the kid whose family was killed by one of the gangs last arc that i finished was the one driving part of the plot for this final arc. Helena’s kinda??? implied to be taking him in too???

she’s also framed as being much more victim-focused/empathetic compared to bruce in this story which... hmm

there’s THIS panel which is gonna live in my brain and which REALLY wants me to meta abt bc okay hear me out...

(Context jic its not obvs but also bc i forgot to screenshot the panel before it, but she essentially said something along the lines of “i was half expecting (batman) to say...”)

At this point, Tim’s just starting to find his footing as the new Robin in replacing Jay, so like... Similarly............... Helena could kinda be seen as like.... Taking Babs’ place. Not in a COMPLETE 1 to 1 ofc, but still just!!!! idk!!!! knowing that Babs would’ve been finding her footing during this time period as Oracle... Knowing that they’re similar enough in age here (w/ Helena essentially being an early 20-something taking An Extended Gap Year from college, and Babs’ implied to be around this same age)

idk!!! i like the idea of them having contention outside of them??? (supposedly bc i havent read it myself just yet) having beef bc of Mutual Love Interest in Dick which??? that shits always so boring goddamn.

and esp knowing that obvsly in NML helena just straight up takes the Bat-symbol on bc Batman is MIA just!!!!

idk!!! idk!!! its weird!!!!!! but also im gonna be thinking abt this alot now actually!!!

[ofzola]

howdy y’all! i’m jalynn, i’m twenty, i use she/her pronouns and i live in the est (east coast best coast am i right or am i right)! i’m like.....beyond excited to be in this rp with y’all and to get the ball rolling soon! i’m basically the most talkative and open book you’ll ever meet pls ask me anything i promise i’ll have an answer for u......anywho i guess this is the part where i introduce y’all to my baby...my love...my sweet summer child even though she was technically born in the winter......miss zola carter, ur resident butterfly muah

zola naomi carter | 21 y/o | the butterfly | international relations major | cultural anthropology minor

so. i would link a bio but....my app was like..10 pages long (oops) so. i’ll get around to that later aksjadhasd

 first things first! zola grew up in bankhead, georgia (which is the hood in case none of y’all have ever lived around there)

so, as you can probably guess, zola grew up pretty poor, but she never minded bc she never knew any other way to live; to her, it was just life, and the hood was just home

her parents always preached to her about how amazing she was, and that she was gonna change the world, and that she deserved better than what she was born into, and since she was a kid, she really internalized those messages

so for a period of time, zola was happy, well adjusted, confident kid

(tw here for parental death)

everything changed when zola was 16; her father, who was involved in gangs and never truly stopped, was murdered. zola’s parents kept her rather sheltered from the sad realities of the hood bc they didn’t want her to feel discouraged with life, so of course, when her family was touched by this part of hood reality, zola was extremely shocked

this experience caused zola to develop anxiety and ptsd (though, she didn’t get diagnosed til much later) (also these are very common disorders that young kids from the hood suffer from and i wanted to highlight that realistically)

this situation really messed with her worldview, and her relationship to her hood now is really complicated bc she still loves her home but like. reality of it isn’t good every day

zola’s mental health sinks, and we see our little butterfly retreat into a cocoon 

but college was right around the corner, and st. ettienne’s was her dream school, but her mom couldn’t afford it, and zola was a smart cookie but they don’t hand out full scholarships like that.....so both her n her mom knew the reality was just cyclical poverty despite zola’s potential, but neither of them brought it up

that is!! until zola’s (rich) aunt stepped in and decided this couldn’t happen! long story short, after a lot of arguing with zola’s mom, she got zola to move up to connecticut with her, so she could get ready for college (that her aunt offered to pay for where scholarships couldn’t)

zola experiences a lot of culture shock, which doesn’t help her mental situation bc atp it’s the summer before her senior yr of high school, and only about a year after her dad’s death

zola more than likely got bullied to an extent at this point, as well bc like........poor dark skinned black girl from the hood down south moves to this really elitist rich area in connecticut...it only makes sense

basically before her freshman year of college, zola decided to go to therapy bc she was just sick of feeling sad an anxious and icky all the time! and she did some soul searching (longish story) and got back in touch with baby zola who believed she was the one who was gonna save the world and give her hood a good name

so fast forward to now, she’s a senior and still goes to therapy frequently bc anxiety and ptsd are just things she’ll always have to deal with (and more often these days bc the murder of daisey is really messin with her head since daisey was her roommate)

but even though senior zola is light years ahead of freshman zola in terms of mental health and confidence, she’s still got a long way to go! but she’s workin on it!

also her relationship to money is still kinda shaky.....she’s so used to not having any that sometimes if she’s feeling stressed in any way or bored...she’s gonna drop big dollars on some clothes she LOVES fashion now that she can afford the luxury of it and it’s literally her biggest vice (impulse shopper, but she doesn’t think so...she’ll see in a few more therapy sessions)

also.....savior complex....she’s got one.......again she thinks that her need to save the world is completely unrelated to her trauma but boy does she have a big storm coming

also the imposter syndrome kicks in hard with this one sometimes.....she knows she deserves to be here as much as anyone else but like...all it takes is one lil thing to go wrong before she’s thinkin about dropping out and giving her spot to someone else she thinks deserves it more

but really. anxious, sensitive, and paranoid as she may be, zola’s got a heart of absolute gold

anyways...i’m making this kinda long so imma just sum up her personality now ajkhdkjdhaljdha

+(positives) ambitious, empathetic, intrinsically motivated, dedicated

-(negatives) insecure, savior complex, paranoid, kinda impulsive

now ig it’s wanted connection time! here goes:

now for the most part, i’m literally up for any and every single thing! so if u have any ideas just hit me with ‘em all! but off the top of my head ig it’d be cool to see: - her cousin? idk if this is possible atm bc idk if there are any other black characters around, but i think it’d be cool if her aunt is one of ur muse’s mom! - any type of love/romantic interest would be fun (plus i’ve literally never plotted one before??)  - zola’s model un team captain so ig a co-captain or members would be fun! she’s also a writer for the campus newspaper, and in book club so there’s that - any and every type of friendship....she’s already frenemies with the princess and super cool with the alpha, but i’m down for any and every type of friendship please give me that...study buddies, lunch friends, a whole squad i love it all - also maybe former bullies? former friends? whatever u feel - idk like i said. i’m down for EVERYTHING just lemme know....anyways this is getting long so imma wrap this up and actually finish this blog