Pls, talk about how M and S where physically attracted to each other from the get Go. Thanks
oh man, i think they really are. but they're so interesting because they don't exactly care? i've said before they don't prioritize sex, or even romantic relationships. it really builds the tension between them (and for us) until it's unbearable. it colors so many of their interactions (and interactions with other people).
like. the pilot. mulder is ready to distrust scully, completely. he tries to be off-putting. he lets her know he believes her to be a spy. scully knows who he is, she's excited for a field assignment, but not exactly thrilled with what they want her to do. she isn't considered an open mind, but personally i think that's patently false. she just relies a lot on facts and science because they make her feel comfortable, safe. but she really thrives when she steps out of her comfort zone, and mulder is the reason she gets to do that.
they gaze at each other from the moment their eyes meet. to me, it's a soul recognition neither was prepared for. it's palpable. gentle & probing at first.
they immediately go head to head with their knowledge & beliefs & theories. and they enjoy it. they just like each other so much. it's the start of a dance they'll do for the rest of their lives. it's a challenge, but it's one they've craved their whole lives & never found until each other.
looks are noticed first, but what really gets them is the other's mind. they're both so attracted to other's mind. they spend their days learning the other. the paths their minds take, what makes the other tick, what makes the other crack a smile. it ends up being their compassion & dedication to the truth, the respect & authenticity, their honor & integrity. their goodness. that gets to them. their shared values, even if their methods are different. it's what moves their connection beyond attraction, turning it into its own presence.
mulder lets scully in when she exposes her vulnerability, a willingness to believe even if she fights it every step of the way.
like. not a single look they share in the pilot is uncaring or indifferent. skeptical, careful sometimes, yes. but they're all intense & heated, focused, underlined with attraction they feel & don't yet understand. attraction they won't explore in the ways they might have in the past.
after the motel room, he starts guiding her out of rooms, putting his hand gently on her back. and the touching only picks up between them. scully is always pulling him back, tethering him, trying to care for him. she never forgets the conversation in his motel room. his surprise, his openness, his pain. how caring & gentle he was, not daring or even considering taking advantage she probably would have willingly given him. (if not for their past experiences with relationships in professional settings lol)
the more they prioritize the work & their partnership, the more they come to trust only each other...they eliminate the possibility of ever being with someone else meaningfully. they don't know it at the beginning, but they make the choice over and over again.
(scully LOVES her job, you guys. she loves what she does with mulder, loves working with him & his brilliant mind, loves the adrenaline & danger, loves the crazy science she gets to see & do, loves speaking for the dead and being in the victims' side. and in a way, it's really all because of him. she followed him for his belief in the truth & his compassion for forgotten people, she stays because she believes in him. and everyday that's a miracle to mulder, though he would never call it that.)
mulder is territorial of scully by the time we get to squeeze, and she wants him to be. she says it then pulls back, believing she's being presumptive. i love that moment because mulder doesn't let her dismiss it. he tells her of course he is and plays with her necklace. he's flirty & intimate and he talks about their work, the only thing he cares about and he's been willingly taking her along, and this time she took him along.
mulder let her into his work in the pilot, the most personal part of his life. every case is a date even if he doesn't say it — barring maybe the ones that are deeply personal or dangerous, but scully is still there every step of the way. she bares witness and she helps him, she desperately tries to tell him what no one else ever has. stop looking for your sister. but he can't and she never really expected him to, all she can do is follow him and help him find his answers...when he's ready.
keeping boundaries only amps up their attraction. mulder is always in her personal bubble. sometimes it flusters scully — fox mulder's attention focused on you is always intense & meaningful, overwhelming & intoxicating. usually she just accepts it and enjoys it. he loves doing it to her. she never rejects him, so he never stops. never. and she really does bask in it. it becomes a habit, their norm.
they show off in their debates. mulder loves when she talks science, almost bludgeoning him with her logic & knowledge. even when he's just trying to have those late night talks with thoughts you don't share with just anyone. he loves who she is and doesn't want her to be any other way. he loves when she's tells him he's wrong. he wouldn't change a thing (despite his occasional frustration at her disbelief).
(all his flirty quips are real, but not serious.)
and scully, she's the only one allowed to tell him he's crazy (which he also loves, because she stays). she will defend her mulder & his theories to anyone else, she proves what she can (and if she happens to disprove his theory, it only helps him to refine it and sends them down a new path). when he stops believing, she tries so hard to reignite it. she's afraid to believe, but she depends on his belief.
mulder + scully are the only people who can keep up with each other — even when she thinks she's lagging behind & holding him back, that's never really true. it takes her a long time to verbalize it, and it takes him a while to figure out she needs (craves) his validation. to him, scully doesn't need anything from anyone but he wants to give her everything, whatever she will allow. he tries to desperately to be the shoulder she leans on and show her it's okay to be vulnerable. something he can tell she struggles with, despite what happened in the pilot. she values it so much in him and suppresses it so much in herself.
he honors her vulnerability in the pilot, he's gentle with her in beyond the sea (until she scares the daylights out of him), in lazarus her prioritizes her grieving over the truth. when she's abducted, he wears her cross around his neck. he asks her mom about her, tries to help maggie keep her faith. in firewalker he cradles her face, so similar to beyond the sea. in irresistible he tilts her chin up and holds her as she sobs into his chest, so similar to the pilot when she rushes into his arms. and on and on. he always fights like hell for her whenever she needs help.
all of this only makes their attraction more intense, and more scary. the easiest way to get to mulder is through scully. and all of the crazy things scully does are for mulder.
the attraction is always there. bubbling under the surface, making the room crackle. making others uncomfortable just being in the same room with them. it's always intimate & private. something no one else is invited to, making others intruders.
it's why they're mistaken for a couple most of their partnership. it's why missy yells at mulder in one breath, urging him to go to scully. they don't look at each other like simple coworkers or friends, they don't talk about each other like merely colleagues.
i am so so sorry, this is not how i intended it to come out so here are some pictures:
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you get used to it, but it's tiring, because they need you to understand your own life as a series of goalposts. what college are you going to, what's your major going to be, whatcha gonna do with that, oh where will you settle down, when can i expect grandkids.
for the longest time my goals have been so blurry that they track into each other, their undefined edges slipping quietly back into the soft night. today i want to be a writer; tomorrow i will want to be a doctor, later i will wish i took that law school free ride. how the fuck do people just know what they want to do with their life?
where do you want to be in five years? i want to be alive; which is a huge step for me. ten years ago i would have said i want to be asleep and meant i hope that i'm dead by then.
but i want a yellow kitchen and a stand mixer. i want a garden and a fruit tree (cherry, if i can make that happen) and a big yard for my dogs to play in. i want to come home and read poetry out loud to someone and have them close their eyes to listen. i want a summer watergun fight. i want to make snowmen. i want to be the house to go to for halloween. i want my life to settle around me in a softness, for it to lay down gently. if i am very, very, very lucky, i want to travel; finally go someplace overseas.
of course i don't know what i want to be doing professionally. what i actually want to be doing is curling up beside my dog, settling in to read. i want to be making myself a cup of good coffee.
i can't answer the other questions. whenever people asked me what do you want to be when you grow up, i used to say i hope i'm happy.
i hope i'm still kind, five years from now. i hope i never get jaded and mean. i hope i have stayed in therapy. what do you picture yourself doing? when will you actually be an adult about this? why are you so afraid of being ambitious?
am i not ambitious? the other day i rearranged my furniture which doesn't quite fit into my apartment. i watered my plants. i'm going to try to propagate a cherry seed. my five year goal is to spend more time laughing. to lie down in a patch of sunwarm moss. to relax for a minute. to close my eyes and think oh thank god. this is why i stayed. this is finally it.
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