#and making my life unnecessarily hard on myself. because i have no interest in it

[j-esbian]

so so so fucking tired of people who perceive working in an office as the only “”real”” jobs

[vanessagillings]

I’m posting the ever-so-rare photo of myself alongside one of my characters based on my childhood because today is World Autism Acceptance Day, and I wanted to show my little corner of the internet who this particular autistic person is:  

I was officially diagnosed in February, at age 38 (I’m now 39). A lot of people thought I couldn’t be autistic.  Some people who know me in real life still don’t.  And until around 10 years ago, I didn’t think I could be either, because I was nothing like the stereotype media portrays. I was told that autistics lacked empathy (untrue), and never played make-believe (also often untrue) and only enjoyed STEM.  I was — and am — an empathetic artist -- and make believe?  I can spend days sketching finely bedecked bears brewing tea or carefully choosing the right words to weave tapestries of fiction — though perhaps my hyper focus was a bit of a red flag.  Even so, how could autism describe me?  I was a good student.  I got straight A's. I didn’t act out in class.  I can make eye contact…if I must.  And lots of girls hate having their hair brushed with an unholy passion, right?  Clearly I swim in sarcasm like a fish, so autism couldn't be why I was so anxious all the time, could it?

If someone had told me when I was younger what autism ACTUALLY is — instead of the nonsense I’d seen on screens — I would have seen myself in it.  I didn’t hear that autistics have sensory issues until I was in my mid-twenties, which is when I first began to really research autism symptoms, and I had almost all of them:  sensitivity to light, smells, fabrics, temperatures, textures, and certain touches, all of which make me feel anxious, I fidget (stim), I never know what the hell to do with my hands or where to look, I talk too little or too much, I have special interests, I have entire animated movies memorized shot-by-shot and can remember the first time and place I saw every movie I've ever seen but I often forget what I'm trying to say mid-sentence, I echo movies and tv shows (my husband and I have a whole repertoire of shared echolalias, making up about 20% of our conversations), I was in speech therapy as a kid, I have issues with dysnomia and verbal fluency, I toe-walk, I can't multitask to save my life, I like things just-so, I’m deeply introverted but not shy, I need to recover from all social interaction — even social interaction I enjoy — and I find stupid, every day things like grocery shopping, driving and making appointments overwhelming and intensely stressful, sometimes to the point where I struggle to speak.  It turns out, I am definitely autistic. My results weren't borderline. Not even close. And while these aren’t all of my challenges, and not everyone with these symptoms is autistic, it’s definitely something to look into if you present with all of these things at once. 

So why did it take me so long to get diagnosed? The same bias that exists in media threads through the medical community as well, and because I'm a woman who can discuss the weather while smiling on cue, few people thought I was worth looking into. Even after I was fairly certain I was autistic, receiving an official diagnosis in the US is unnecessarily difficult and expensive, and in my case, completely uncovered by my insurance.  It cost me over $4000, and I could only afford it because my husband makes more money than I do as a freelance illustrator — a job I fell into largely because it didn’t require in-person work; like many autists, I have been chronically underemployed and underpaid, in part due to physical illness in my twenties, which is a topic for another day.  But it shouldn’t be like this.  It shouldn’t be so hard for adults to receive diagnoses and it shouldn’t be so hard for people to see themselves in this condition to begin with due to misinformation and stereotypes. Like many issues in America, these barriers are even higher for marginalized groups with multiple intersectionalities. 

It’s commonly said that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.  This is why it’s called a spectrum, not because there’s a linear progression of severity (someone who appears to have low support needs like myself might need more than it seems, and vice versa), but because every autistic person has their own strengths and weaknesses, challenges and experiences, opinions and needs.  No two people on the spectrum present in the same way.  And that’s a good thing!  No way of being autistic is inherently any better than any other, and even if someone on the spectrum struggles with things I don’t — or can do things I can’t — doesn’t make them more or less deserving of respect and human dignity.

But speaking solely for myself, the more I learn about autism, the happier I am to be autistic.  I struggle to find words and exert fine motor control, but my deep passion and fixation has made me good at art and storytelling anyway.  I find more joy watching dogs and studying leaf shapes on my walks than most people do in an entire day.  More often than not, the barriers I’ve faced weren’t due to my autism directly, but due to society being overly rigid about what it considers a valid way of existing.  My hope in writing this today is that maybe one person will realize that autism isn’t what they thought — and that being different is not the same as being less than. My hope with my fiction is to give autistic children mirrors with which to see themselves, and everyone else windows through which to see us as we actually are.

If you’re interested in learning more about autism or think you might be autistic, too, I recommend the Autism Self Advocacy Network  autisticadvocacy.org and the following books:

What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz

We're Not Broken by Eric Garcia

Knowing Why edited by Elizabeth Bartmess

Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD

Loud Hands edited by Julia Bascom

Neurotribes by Steve Silberman

(trigger warning: the last two contain quite a lot of upsetting material involving institutionalized child abuse, but I think it’s important for people to know how often autistic children were — and are — abused simply for being neurodivergent).

Thanks for reading 💛

[transmutationisms]

serious question but do you personally believe there is a way to approach psychiatry in a way that uplifts and upholds patient autonomy and wellness or is the entire trade essentially fucked haha. Btw this is an ask coming from a 3rd year med student—with a background of severe mental illness—who is considering a residency in psychiatry after receiving life-saving care in high school pertaining to said conditions. (I have peers who have been involuntarily hospitalized and treated horribly in psych wards, with approaches i patently disagree with, but was lucky not to experience. I don’t like modern american medicine’s approach to mental illness; “throw pills” at it to “make it go away” ie. a problem of overprescribing, inadequate and non-holistic approach to mental health, and i feel a lot of that can be attributed to the capitalistic framework. I also def agree with you that so much of what can be considered normal human responses to traumatic events/normal human suffering can be unnecessarily pathologized—a great example being the whole “chemical imbalances in the brain is the ONLY reason why im like this” argument that ive unfortunately fallen hard for when i was younger and am still currently dismantling within myself…and like dont even get me started on this field’s history of demonizing POC, women, LGBT, etc). Like i deeply love my psych rotations so far, and i utterly feel in my gut that this is the manner in which i would like to help people—a lot of whom are just like me—but im wondering if there is a way to reconcile these aspects in a way that one can feel morally okay participating within such an imperfect system, in ur opinion… ngghhhhhh i just want to be a good doctor to my patients…

(ps i love all ur writing and analysis on succession!! big fan mwah <333)

i don't mean to sound unduly pissy at you, specifically, but i do have to say: every single time i've talked about antipsych or broader criticism of medicine on this website, i immediately get a wave of responses like this, from doctors/nurses/psychs/students of the above, asking me to, like, reassure them that they're not doing something immoral or un-communist or whatever by having or pursuing these jobs. and it's honestly frustrating. why is it that these conversations get re-framed around this particular line of inquiry and medical ego-soothing? why is it that when i say "the medical encounter is not structured to protect patient autonomy or well-being," so many people hear something more along the lines of "doctors are mean and i wish they were nicer"? why is it that it's impossible to discuss the philosophical and structural violence of academic and clinical medicine without it becoming a referendum on the individual morality of doctors?

i'm choosing to read you in good faith because i think it's possible to re-re-frame this line of questioning to demonstrate to you the sorts of critiques and inquiries i find more interesting and more conducive to patient autonomy and liberation. so, let me pick apart a few lines of this ask.

"is the entire trade essentially fucked?"

if you're thinking of trying to 'reform' the project of medical psychology within existing infrastructures and institutions, then yeah, it's fucked. if you're still assuming that affective distress can only be 'treated' within this medical apparatus (despite, again, no psychiatric dx satisfying any pathologist's understanding of a 'disease' ie an aberration from 'normal' physiological functioning) then you're not challenging the things that actually make psychiatry violent. you're simply fantasising about making the violence nicer.

"I don’t like modern american medicine’s approach to mental illness; “throw pills” at it to “make it go away” ie. a problem of overprescribing, inadequate and non-holistic approach to mental health, and i feel a lot of that can be attributed to the capitalistic framework."

i hate when i talk about psychotropic drugs being marketed to patients using lies like the chemical imbalance myth, and then pushed on patients—including through outright force—by psychiatrists, and the discussion gets re-framed as one about 'overprescribing'. my problem is not with people taking drugs. i am, in fact, so pro-drugs that i think even the ones administered in a clinical setting sometimes have value. my issue is with, again, the provision of misleading or outright false information, the use of force and coercion to put patients on such drugs in order to force social conformity and employability, and the general model of medicine and medical psychology that assumes patients ought to be passive recipients of medical enlightenment rather than active participants in their own treatment who are given the agency to decide when and how to engage with any form of curative or meliorative intervention.

'holistic' medicine and psychiatry do not solve this problem! they are not a paradigm shift because they continue to locate expertise and epistemological authority with the credentialed physician, and to position patients as too sick, stupid, or helpless to do anything but receive and comply with the medical interventions. there are certainly psychotropic drugs that are demonstrably more harmful than others (antipsychotics, for example), and some that are demonstrably prescribed to patients who do not benefit from them and are even harmed by them. conversely, there are certainly forms of intervention besides pharmaceuticals that people may find helpful. but my general critique here is aimed less at haggling over specific methods of intervention, and more at the ideological and philosophical tenets of medicine that cause any interventions to be imposed by force or coercion on patients, then framed as being 'for their own good'. were suffering people given the information and autonomy to actually choose whether and how to engage in any kind of intervention, some might still choose drugs! my position here is not one of moralising drugs, but making the act of taking them one that is freely chosen and available as an option without relying on physician determination of a patient's interests over their own assessment of their needs and wants.

"so much of what can be considered normal human responses to traumatic events/normal human suffering can be unnecessarily pathologized"

true, but don't misunderstand me as saying that drugs or any other form of intervention should be forcibly withheld from those who do want them and are made fully aware of what risks and harms seeking them could entail. again, this would still be an authoritarian model; my critique is aimed at increasing patient autonomy, not at creating equally authoritarian and empowered doctors who just have slightly different treatment philosophies.

"dont even get me started on this field’s history of demonizing POC, women, LGBT, etc"

ok, framing this as "demonisation" tells me that you're not understanding that, again, this is a systemic and structural critique. it is certainly true that a great many doctors currently are, and have historically have been, outright racist, trans/misogynist, ableist, and so on. framing this as a problem of a well-intentioned discipline being corrupted by some assholes is getting it backwards. medicine attracts prejudiced people, not to mention strengthens and promotes these prejudices in its entire training and practice infrastructures, because of its underlying philosophical orientation toward enforcing 'normality' as defined by 18th-century statistics and 19th-century human sciences that explicitly place white, cis, able-bodied european men as the normal ideal that everyone else is inferior to or failing to live up to. doctors who really nicely tell you that you're too fat are still using bmi charts that come from the statistical anthropometry of adolphe quételet and the flawed actuarial calculations of metlife insurance. doctors who really nicely deny you access to transition surgery are still operating under a paradigm that gives the practitioner authority over expressions and embodiments of gender. the issue isn't 'demonisation', it's that medicine and psychiatry explicitly attempt to render judgments about who and what is 'normal' and therefore socially 'healthy', and enforce those standards on patients. this is not a promotion of patient well-being, but of social conformity.

"i deeply love my psych rotations so far, and i utterly feel in my gut that this is the manner in which i would like to help people"

let me ask you a few questions. you say that you like your psych rotations... but how do your patients feel about them? is their autonomy protected? are they in treatment by free choice, and free to leave any time they wish? are they treated as human beings with full self-determination? if you witnessed a situation in which a patient was coerced or forced into a certain treatment, or in which you were not sure whether they were consenting with full knowledge or freedom, would you feel empowered to intervene? or would doing so threaten your career by exposing you to anger and retaliation from your higher-ups? what higher-ups will you be exposed to as a resident, and then as a practicing physician? could you practice in a way that committed fully, 100%, to patient autonomy if you were working at someone else's practice, or in a hospital or clinic? could you, according to current medical guidelines, even if you had your own practice?

when you say "this is the manner in which i would like to help people", what do you mean by "this"? can you define your philosophy of treatment, and the relationship and power dynamic you want to have with any future patients? is it one in which you hold authority over them and see yourself as determining what's in their 'best interests', even over their own expressed wishes? have you connected with patient advocates, psych survivors (other than your friends), and radical psychiatrists and anti-psychiatrists who may espouse heterodox treatment philosophies that you could consider? do you think such philosophies are sufficient for protecting patient autonomy and well-being, or are they still models that position the physician's judgment and authority over that of the patient?

"im wondering if there is a way to reconcile these aspects in a way that one can feel morally okay participating within such an imperfect system"

and here is the crux of the problem with this entire ask. you are wondering how to sleep at night, if you are participating in a career you find morally distasteful. where, though, do your patients enter into that equation? do you worry about how they sleep at night, after having interacted with a system of social violence that may very well have traumatised them under the guise of providing help? why does your own guilty conscience worry you more than violations of your patients' bodies, minds, and basic self-determination?

i can't tell you whether your career path is morally acceptable to you. i don't think this type of guilt or self-flagellation is fruitful and i don't think it helps protect patients. i don't, frankly, have a handy roadmap sitting around for creating a new system of medicine and health care that rests on patient autonomy. affective distress is real, and is not something we should have to bear alone or with the risk of having violence inflicted upon us. what you need to ask yourself is: how does the medical model and establishment serve people experiencing such distress? how does it perpetuate violence against them? and how do you see yourself countering, or perpetuating, such violence as someone operating within this discipline? what would it mean to be a 'good' actor within a violent system, if you do indeed believe that such a thing is ontologically possible?

[pollywiltse]

I was going to write this excessively sentimental fanfic where André's ghost showed up to provide moral support for Tallmadge and his first wife when she died in return for Tallmadge making friends with André back when he died and then I realized I had given myself two very big problems, both because Tallmadge got hit really hard by the Second Great Awakening some time in the 1790s and there was absolutely no way I could keep that out of a fic about dead people.

The first is that I just don't know how religious early 19th century New Englanders thought and I would prefer Tallmadge to sound somewhat historically plausible rather than like an early 21st century agnostic's idea of 19th century God-botherers, especially because I like Tallmadge.

The second is that there is absolutely no way that Tallmadge would not be asking any dead person he got his hands on a ton of questions about "Did you meet Jesus? He's my fave" and I really didn't want this to turn into a theological discussion fic - either the kind where they sit around and talk about how great Jesus is or the kind where André goes, "So, not only is your wife dead, but also your entire belief system is wrong - oh, wait, I was supposed to make you feel better, wasn't I?" I just wanted excessive non-religious sentiment. (The mental image of André screaming "YOUR SKY-FATHER IS A LIE" is so out of character it's hilarious though.)

I mostly solved the second one by deciding that André has no idea about the actual afterlife because he's stuck in some in-between place until he either reaches the age he would have lived to if he hadn't been hanged or until everyone who knew him dies (or maybe forever, but that seems unnecessarily unpleasant), which is why he can come back as a ghost in the first place - probably the latter option since both his father and his brother died really young - early 50s and early 40s respectively - so possibly his "natural life span" would have ended before Tallmadge's wife died anyway. (Incidentally the year of birth given for his mother in the Ronald biography has to be wrong, because 1713 would mean that she was 47 when William Lewis was born, which I guess isn't impossible, but seems really unlikely, especially since she would have also had the last two girls at 41 and 42 and it would be weird for her to get pregnant that regularly in her 40s without modern fertility treatments......And checking find-a-grave gives her a birth year of 1722, which seems more plausible. Also this makes her several years younger than her husband, which is more common, but without the weird ages for her kids' births I would have just went, "Huh, interesting". Also a ton of people have left flowers at the find-a-grave entry for John. Also he's marked as a veteran, which I think is not really true since he didn't retire from the military, though he is technically no longer serving in it. Because he's dead.)

Of course Tallmadge is still going to be really worried about whether or not André has found Jesus and the real André could have probably wriggled out of that one gracefully, but I lack his tact, so I think this is going to be tragically exiled to Drawerfic Island. (I assume the real guy believed in some sort of vague Christianity because everyone around him did and there's no evidence to suggest that he cared enough about religion to form his own opinions, but that's not the kind of Christianity that older Tallmadge would think counted as real Christianity and I don't think André had any interest in Tallmadge's kind of Christianity. (Though there's this one girl on Goodreads who is absolutely convinced he was secretly deeply devout and just went through a phase where he threw a ton of wild parties because he was running away from his love for Jesus, and what a surprise she's going to be in for when she finally reads his biographies and finds out how little he resembles her idea of him. She's also very clearly a closeted slash writer.))

Actually I kind of feel like André would consider Tallmadge's particular brand of religiousness a little gauche and the same type of bemusing as someone who was a gentleman in every other way but kept cleaning wax out of his ears at the dinner table.

As for the first problem, I was thinking I should actually try to read early 19th century New England Protestant religious writings, not just for fanfic purposes but because I have a feeling a lot of those ideas still keep popping up in real life, and I don't mean just among religious people. I mean any time Cosmo or whoever starts talking about manifesting, I'm pretty sure that's originally from one of those weird 19th century fringe New England movements that thought you could cue cancer if you believed hard enough that you were healthy. (Also there's that one girl at work who it boggles me that she was evidently raised Catholic and now identifies as an atheist, because she has exactly the personality of someone who, if she lived in 1830s New England, would head off to the South Sea Islands to bring Jesus and pants to the poor benighted heathens because she loved them and cared about them but not in a way that involved actually taking their opinions seriously and no, I can't stand her, how can you tell?)

But then I was reading Poganuc People because Colonel Davenport is supposedly loosely based on Tallmadge and I got to the part about Zeph Higgins' conversion and barfed all over my keyboard and I remembered why I don't read that stuff. Also wow Harriet Beecher Stowe doesn't seem to have been conflicted about her upbringing or her father in any way.

[angelic-omega]

An analysis of myself and the characters I relate to that nobody asked for but I totally recommend doing!!

Just a warning it’s kinda sad but I needed to know how I could relate to all these seemingly very different characters and I am a SCIENTIST!!

A: Fussy, Posh, Foodies who have claim to have high standards. Eclectic with very niche interests such as literature, classic music, ancient history, wine, roleplay, slight of hand, tartan, dim lighting, statues, and being old men who can’t work modern technology. Both prefer to do things the old fashioned way and have a distaste for anyone unnecessarily rude. Both are too polite and have a reputation of being polite so they won’t speak their mind in person but will find a way to get that person on the right path later.

B: Religiously traumatized people pleasers who always try to do the right thing and always get hurt for it. Kind, caring, and gentle souls who are forced to change to better humanity. Actually an eldritch creature trying to pass as human and despite being as courteous as possible are still slightly unnerving at times. Think they are being smooth but aren’t and both are clearly in love with their bad boy, car obsessed, classic rock and roll best friends. Both are actually really intelligent in their own ways but are perceived as stupid and infantilized. Chronic insomniacs who either forget to sleep or simply don’t want to sleep. Give the best cuddles and you can’t change my mind.

C: Forced to be strong and fight when all they ever wanted was peace and to be left alone. Queens of making poor decisions when it comes to relationships. Chosen as leaders because of their strength they didn’t chose to have. Just want to live a gentle, carefree life but now have ptsd and can’t. Protective of their siblings and have a strong sense of justice.

D: soldiers who did some bad things and now blame themselves for all the pain they caused. Nightmares of them hurting people that then make them think they are a bad person and don’t deserve kindness. Lost a part of themselves trying to survive and will never get it back.

E: Experienced with knives and have a staring problem. Both shut off in a physical fight and get eerily calm as a trauma response. Both could easily snap and kill someone if pushed but mostly keep to themselves so long as no one goes out their way to piss them off. Unintentionally hurt those they love most because they can’t express an emotion in a healthy way to save their life

F: 100% chance they secretly love wearing dresses because they are pretty and comfortable. shy and soft spoken in the streets but absolutely freaks in the sheets~ bisexual but everyone just calls them fruity little gay men including themselves

G: Will say they are going to do as you’ve asked them but if they don’t agree with it are going to not do what you asked them to do. Stubborn divas who you cannot make betray their hearts. Always on some sort of secret mission and always having something up their sleeve they are keeping from everyone just to reveal it dramatically at the right time.

H: Brainwashed and gaslit so hard they don’t even know what they want out of life anymore

I: Are jokingly mean as a flirting tactic

J: All definitely still have a working land line and a desk top computer. Take their taxes seriously.

K: All have been through past trauma and abuse which caused them to act and behave in ways that felt out of character. Could never be true to themselves and cannot catch a break. Could have really had their shit together if it wasn’t for circumstance but nonetheless are trying to make things right because deep DEEP down they are good people…they just end up making bad decisions because they don’t know how to emote. Authority issues out the ass but somehow all bottoms…(idk if they are or not but it’s funny to say) definitely all have PTSD and definitely feel like a failure because they can’t heal from their trauma.

[onboardsorasora]

I mean DR.. which DR helmet you like the most? 😭😭😭

Allo Bestie. This second ask made me giggle, I know the woes of being like ‘crap! It has a typo and I can’t call the ask back!😅😅’

So because I literally have no chill and I can’t make a singular decision to save my life. I made a little listicle. This is funny because my answer of ‘most fave DR helmet’ literally has always been the same one but he’s had so many pretty helmet I felt I needed to also bring them up proudly.

My 1000% fave DR helmet is the 2022 Miami GP helmet. The Ace Ventura nod. It’s soooooo pretty. I got a sticker of it and I literally can’t find it in myself to put it on anything

I also loved his 2022 COTA helmet. Yes, that race was a nightmare, but he came in soooo earnestly and truly. I felt the Ricky Bobby nod to be very apt and timely. He made it to look like the final helmet in the movie where Ricky didn’t have sponsors and said he was driving for himself. Daniel had already been dropped by McLaren so he was racing this race for himself. It was symbolic in my opinion

Keeping in the COTA theme, his 2021 COTA helmet was fire. Simple and lovely and a nod to his fave NASCAR driver. Also this helmet came alongside the Speedway drop which might be my fave collection

I can’t forget the All Good All Ways helmet. Love that bitch, it was so pretty and interesting to look at. And I reference All Good All Ways in like half of my stories lmao. Also I maybe call it the bi flag helmet but that’s just meeee

Also it looked sooooo good in the night race versions

I know I focused a lot on his post Red Bull helmets but that’s also because he got full creative range once he didn’t have to work around the set parameters of the RB helmets. And he came up with some beautiful designs. But I can’t leave out my fave RB helmet that I got to see in person and touch (hovered by hand over because I didn’t know if security would have like dived out of nowhere to tackle me)

Last but not least. I LOOOVVVEEEE the night race version of his helmet last year. It fucks sooo hard 🥶🥶🥶

And here ends my comprehensive but unnecessarily long response to your question bestie 😅😅😅😅

[countlessrealities]

😤 — what do you dislike the most about being part of the rpc?

Munday asks || Accepting !

Picking one thing over all the shit I can't stand about the RPC is really hard. I could write a novel about all the unnecessarily stupid and bad behaviours that are so very popular in it, and that gives the idea of the amount of things I have to say on the topic. Also, what makes it difficult to choose just one thing over the others is how connected all said behaviours tend to be, to the point that each of them can be born out of another and vice versa.

You're all lucky that I'm knackered, so I don't physically have the energy to go on a full rant, so...I'll pick one aspect that, at least for how I see it, might as well be the base of all the others, in a way or another.

The one thing that gets the most on my nerves, in more than one way, is how self-centred the members of the RPC have become. Ofc, we're here to handle our blogs, get interactions for them, share our ideas, and so on. However this has become so extreme that a lot of people have forgotten how RP is supposed to be a two-way street, how it's not just about you, but it's about your RP partners too.

Asking for attention is fair, we all like to see our ideas acknowledged and all that. It's also a great potential chance to develop them more, if you get feedback or get to discuss them with others. However, you can just keep demanding attention and time and energy from people without ever giving a crumble back. That's not how it works. Not in collaborative hobbies, not in real life. You had to do your part, you can't just sit on your ass and expect others to give you everything you want without asking for some interest towards them in return. It's not a bad thing, it's not a do-ut-des. It's how collaboration works, people. Especially when it takes 2 minutes to read a post and 2 seconds to like it.

I honestly find this kind of behaviour incredibly disheartening. It kills my motivation to reach out to people, to be curious about their ideas and muse, when I know that I'll never be anything more than a number in their followers list and a chance to go all "I, me, myself, my muses, my ideas". Not to mention that it gets old so, so fast. I'm too old for that shit.

I could talk about how people act without ever thinking about hurting the ones around them, because they forget that there's a person behind that screen and that other writers are not fanfics machines for your fantasies, but...I don't want to get too close to a few personal experiences I had this year and that made me really mad. Still do. So, I'll just end it with one, simple rule that would make everything better in the RPC if everyone followed it.

Don't be a self-centred, tactless asshole 🙃

[lyranova]

Hi there, Lyra! Sending you lots of love and well wishes! 💖 I hope it's okay to send in more than one BC opinions ask for you, but I saw you're closing them soon so I wanted to send this one in: what are your thoughts on the "House Vaude Soap Opera/Love Drama" (or the "Langris, Finesse, Finral, Vanessa (and whoever else you might want to throw in there) love shape")? I've got a love-hate relationship with it myself because while it is probably the subplot I'm the most passionately invested in (and that I've written about at length), but it feels so unnecessarily complicated and frustratingly convoluted and makes me want to bang my head against the wall more than Finral is (which, I am sorry to say, is saying a lot...)

Apologies for the Mini-Rant, but here are some of my feelings: they really threw it in with no warning in the Royal Knights Exam Arc after the anime baited Vanessa and Finral a lot, which is an anime problem but still the emotional whiplash of throwing love interest in there after all that and not only that but then the narrative expects us to accept that Finral not only actually loved Finesse all along but also loves her so much that he is willing to return to his toxic, abusive home in order to be with her (and we're all supposed to be okay with that?) despite the fact he didn't even think about her for 80 episodes and she is basically engaged to his brother (which, how is everyone involved in this just okay with the fact that they have this arranged marriage agreement but the Lord & Lady Vaude just won't say which son Finesse is actually engaged to? Surely Finesse's parents have concerns about this at least? Regardless, it's clear this is all for Langris's benefit since they want him/have always intended for him to inherit, but seriously (and maybe I'm just old fashioned but) brothers really shouldn't share a fiancée and if you're engaged you should probably know who your fiancé actually is... Why is no one bringing this up?) And it just kept getting worse & more convoluted from there since conveniently ignoring the fact that Finesse and Langris are basically engaged, Finral then declares "war" on his brother and kind of yells at both of them while Langris is injured that he's going to be the one to make Finesse happy & win her heart in the end and Langris seems to actually be helping(?) him with this [for reasons that are still unclear...? Though I personally suspect it's because he actually loves her (not necessarily in a romantic way but enough that he's willing to give up what he's worked for his entire life for her happiness)] and okay, yes, this is a soap opera but it's fine/forgivable if they just stopped it here BUT NO...THEN Finral keeps banging his head against the wall trying convince everyone (and himself???) that she's "the only one" for him and that he can't even be in the same room as another woman and needs to go back to his abusive home just to be with her... 🙄 Bringing up so many uncomfortable questions like "does he actually love her or does he just feel like he needs to/is he forcing himself to in order to become the head of House Vaude and prove himself to his family? ect. ect. which, I'm sorry, but if a story wants to sell me on "Character A's love for Character B is so incredibly strong that they are willing to even return to their toxic home life in order for the two of them to be together" these questions should NOT exist! Don't get me wrong, I like Finral x Finesse as a ship (It's totally adorable and has so much potential--I actually really like it a lot which is why this is so frustrating), but I just feel like it could have been handled SO MUCH BETTER which is honestly kind of infuriating. Seriously it should not be this hard or this complicated!)

Anyway, I'm very curious what you think and how you'd most like to see that all shake out in the end? (I know you've paired Finral with Vanessa in COTF but what do you imagine happens to Langris? Which one takes over the estate? Do you think Finral and Finesse ever tried to make it work but it just didn't work out? ect.). This might be a big ask so please take as long as you need (and don't feel obligated to answer it at all if it's too much) and I apologize again for all the ramblings. Excited to hear your thoughts! Thank you so much, dear! 💕

------

Hiya Acacia! I'm sorry it's taken me a while to get to this 😭, I've been playing catch up on everything while also doing some IRL things 😆, but now to answering your question!

The Finral x Finesse ship was totally sudden to me, and I'll admit I was very taken aback and a bit upset about it 😆! Because the anime was leaning and hinting at Finral x Vanessa so much (I mean, when he blushed and teared up at her complimenting him during the Royal Knight Exam hello???) that I was already sold on the ship. But then...Finesse came along and kind of threw me off and made me go "wait what?"

I think Finesse, and her introduction, should/could have been handled much better then it was. If they would have hinted at him having someone else he loved back at House Vaude, or even just had him say "I want to get stronger, because I have someone waiting/depending on me" then I would have been a little more...okay with them introducing Finesse as his love interest (btw I like Finesse as a character, I'm putting all the blame on the writing and how they chose to introduce her!). But because it was just kinda thrown in there like "oh btw, we forgot to mention Finral has a love interest so all the teasing we did for Finral x Vanessa was just to misdirect you 😆!".

As you can see...I'm still pretty salty about this 😅!

Now onto the drama with House Vaude and the engagment 👀!

I personally don't like the whole "both share a fiance" thing either, it just feels...wrong 😅. I understand this used to be a thing Royal Families did in history (basically if the elder broher was dead or otherwise incapacitated then sometimes the family would have her marry the younger brother) but it still doesn't feel right 😭! I think the Vaudes probably had the engagment between Finral and Finesse planned out since they were little/babies, but then they realized Langris was more powerful and thought more like them than Finral and so they felt it was better if Finesse married Langris.

I feel like the reason Finral would want to go back to House Vaude is a lot deeper then just maybe being with Finesse. Maybe he wants to change House Vaude and make it better? Make it more accepting and less greedy? I dunno. I'll admit it does feel...like he's trying to convince himself in some instances when he's banging his head against a wall and saying that he only loves Finesse 😅, I know it's played up for laughs, but still 😅.

Finral x Finesse does have a lot of potential! I could easily see the two of them together (even though I prefer Finral x Vanessa), i just think they could have handled it a lot better then they have. I personally think Langris and Finesse are a little more suited for each other, because she softens his rough edges and makes him a better person and helps him grow, and I don't really see her doing that with Finral, but that's just me 😅!

I agree, it should have been handled a lot better, but...it is what it is (luckily we have fanon that can fix it 😌!). Now onto how I seeing it all play out!

I personally see it playing out as Finral and Finesse getting together, but they both leave the Vaude estate and let Langris have it. Why? Because Finral only ever wanted to repair his relationship with his brother and win the love of his life's heart (fairly ofc), he never wanted the house. He was willing to take it on for Finesse's sake, but it wasn't his goal if that makes sense 😆! I can see Finral and Finesse dating and it not working out, or I can see them getting married and having children! Honestly it could go either way 🤔.

In COTF I have it where Finral realizes that the love he felt for Finesse was no longer a romantic one, but more of a friend/familial love. Now she'll always have a special place in his heart as his first love, but now his heart belongs to someone else (Vanessa).

Thanks for asking Acacia, and I'm sorry this was all over the place, but I still hope you enjoyed!

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi, Charity! I’m not sure if it’s an intuitive (or having a 4 fix) thing, but what is the best way to deal with high expectations? I usually spend a huge amount of time idealizing experiences and their potential, but once they happen I can’t avoid feeling at least a little disappointed.

I think for any intuitive or anyone with a frustration core/wing, life is never quite wonderful enough. I relate. A couple of weeks ago, I planned an outing with two friends that I hoped would hit it off. I looked forward to it and expected to have fun and... it was not, and they did not (they disliked each other, lol), and then I was rather cross the next day because the fun I anticipated never materialized.

It's okay to think about things that are coming up and feel excited for them, but to try and set realistic expectations -- to catch yourself envisioning the perfect wonderful outcome and then asking if this is being realistic or not. The less time you spend envisioning things in your mind, the more of a chance reality has to be interesting. Try not to live it out in your imagination first too much or leap ahead in a relationship and fantasize about your futures together.

You can also remember that your response to a situation is optional. Instead of looking at it like "that wasn't amazing," ask what it has taught you or where you went wrong in envisioning it.

I see people simply enjoying things, appreciating moments for what they are, meanwhile I’m just frustrated.

Are you catching yourself being frustrated the minute it's happening? If so, take a beat. Take a breath. Get out of your mind and into your body. Be present in the moment. If you can't do that, change your thoughts. Look for something to be happy about in the moment. Look for the beauty in reality, the butterfly in the bushes, the way the light plays across your curtains. Make it a habit to challenge and alter your own thinking and look for something to rejoice in. It will seem stupid and awkward at first, and then get easier.

To worsen the situation, once the moment/special event is gone, I start to think about what could’ve been (“if it wasn’t raining that day, it would’ve been perfect”, “i should’ve gone with the flow instead of overthinking everything!”) and to idealize how next experience WILL be different (“I’m doing everything right next time!”),

Is there perfection to be found in the rain? Without rain, the earth would dry up and deprive us of its beauty and sustenance for life. It feeds the trees that create the oxygen we breathe.

Is there something wonderful in over-thinking? Or, can you learn next time to catch yourself over-thinking, take a breath, and decide to GO WITH THE FLOW? What if for one day you just said yes, and chose not to over-think? Would everything turn out surprisingly good?

What is the beauty in an imperfect experience? What joy could you find in it? Rather than idealizing next time, what was great about this time? Maybe it rained, but were the fries any good? Does the rain produce rainbows? The answer to impossible expectations is to learn to experience the joy out of an imperfect situation. Borrow some of the re-framing of 7 and choose to think about the situation, searching for something good instead. Make a practice of it.

but, when next time comes, I repeat the same process, searching for perfection when reality will never match the high expectations created by my own mind.

It's hard, I agree.

I can’t avoid feeling childish when talking to other people about this because they always say things like: “what did you expect? something out of the world, a fairytale?”, so I try to keep it to myself. It generates “are you not having fun?” questions, since I can’t pretend to feel something I’m not feeling (and I certainly expected to feel something very specific during that situation), but no one seems to fully understand what I wanted and, specially, why am I so upset (sometimes I even snap at people unnecessarily just because I’m frustrated).

You can't force yourself to feel things, unfortunately. So maybe just accept that whatever you are feeling is valid. That you are going to have off days. Learn to process these feelings and learn to put what you want into words and then think about whether they are realistic or not (realism -- I cannot control other people or what they do, I cannot control the weather, I cannot control my feelings or XYZ).

I find that writing things down helps me see what's possible and what's unrealistic thinking, in the same way journaling can diminish the level of "scare" present in fearful thoughts. Write down what you expect before an event and read it over. Sometimes how idealistic it is might leap out at you and shock you; and if nothing else, at least you will get your ideas/expectations clarified and less abstract.

If things disappoint you, dig into it. What did I want specifically from this interaction or experience? What I am searching for? Does it have a name or a shape or is it just that "... it wasn't THIS"?

I guess that it all comes from a desire to control things, to make all the puzzle pieces fit perfectly and exactly how you thought they would, but life doesn’t work that way and these situations only make me wish to stay in my own head even more, because “it’s better there anyway”. I know that I shouldn’t focus on the negative side of things, we’ve got to deal with reality even if we wish things were different. Is there anything that could make this easier, though? Thanks, I really appreciate your work and dedication to this blog!

Are you an INJ? If so, becoming more in touch with Se will help you -- learn to get in your body, focus on the world around you rather than in your mind, learn to see the beauty that exists in nature, etc. Real life is amazing, but you have to separate from your expectations in order to see the wonders it holds.

[conannxl]

Okay, Drowsy Chaperone fans unite to help me.

If I get the part of man in chair, what should I do. There's a bunch of you little critters out here and I figure if there's a general consensus I will follow it, and of course whatever my director says. Here's my absolute YAP session of a post:

I'm just going to put it out there and say that whenever I do a show even though I'm extremely amateur, I study it. A lot. I've been going through Reddit, YouTube, news articles and interviews etc. trying to find a good answer, although I guess good is objective. I find man in chair to be a very confusing character at times.

Many theorize that the whole thing could be him with his aforementioned zoloft addiction finally overdosing and living through his final moments hallucinating the show, or perhaps at the very end it's when he overdoses which allows him to finally interact with the characters. I've heard people say that he kills himself at the end, which I agree is feasible, but it takes away from the point of the show, along with the zoloft theories. I'm not saying that his love for the show is only boiled down to just being high, but its a show that's near and dear to him, and having it be "hahaha I kill myself my favorite show" seems really just unnecessarily edgy even though it might come off as more deep.

I really, really, deeply enjoy Bob Martin's portrayal of the character and I admire him so much. I feel like the Broadway's ending was very ambiguous, but I'd like to believe that if anything, it's him finally becoming content with the ending of the show (and his opinion of the show) and the direction his life went, or just him finally dying, not from some sort of drug induced episode. With other posts that have the same question as this one, many commenters mention how you really need to go with the director's vision which makes a lot of sense.

But like I said, I really want a more definite answer. Is it leaning more towards him finally giving in and taking his own life at the end, or finally being happy with himself? Moreover, do people really believe that its just him dying?

I really like people saying that he's agoraphobic, Jewish, or a closeted gay man which really gives me a decent idea of where to place his character. I can get the first half down. (Where he's just talking about the show or defending it, whatever, basically before the drinking) But after he gets tipsy, towards live or leave, I'm a bit lost again. Is it more anger and sadness, or just recounting the story in a funny way because he's under the influence?

There are so many dreadfully sad monologues in this show that I think get over taken by the humor in it. You always want to be true to the material and your director's vision but just burning it all down to just for laughs takes away the meaning- I cant figure out his intentions- I despise when people laugh during those monologues because like I said its so sad but its a comedy so why do those jokes have to be in there? And when people finally do portray him in a way that takes away from that humor during those deep moments, the actor gets absolutely torn into. Please help! If I even get the part, I want to be able to feel like I did it right, and not have some snappy guy be like, well this left a bad taste in my mouth because blah blah blah. No offense to anybody who might've left a comment like that but if you don't agree with somebody's choices for a character you can say it in a way that isn't being a dick jesus christ.

Thanks if you can help.

(I apologize if this is hard to read/follow, I'm not a good writer)

(Forgot to mention, I saw this very interesting video called "The Intoxicating Nostalgia of The Drowsy Chaperone" on YouTube. please go watch it if you're interested!!!! It talks about how the show itself was racist at times and not defendable and the whole show is really the man in chair finding reasons to still endorse the show with its nature.)

[the-little-red-noodle]

5/9/24 6:09am

Something happens when you see the bigger picture. Something finally stops the bleed, the chaotic breakdown, the sabotage. Something pokes you in the ribs and says, “hey idiot, you can fix this”.

I don’t feel 100%, i won’t for a bit. I’m still angry, i may be for a bit.

But you said I’m right. It was over the line, it was inappropriate, you apologized so many times. “Your friends are nuked ground now, just to be safe”. And i agreed. I thanked you. It still hurts.

I needed to zoom out. I needed to look at all of the puzzle pieces laid out to see the picture. I needed to stop wanting to attack you long enough to hear you. I haven’t had someone work this hard to hear me and work through things. And i was angry, i still am..

I need to take stock of the relationship as a whole. All of the things we are and can be. The feeling when I’m with him, the love we’re creating, how he is with my family, all of his parts on paper. I do love his personality. I do love how he looks and laughs and talks and is. If i love all of these things, and we can talk through things, we can be okay.

He’s still a boy, and some things scare him unnecessarily. It’s a dulled down edgar, where one relationship term makes him go eek, but then we talk through what we’re doing, and it’s the same thing. He doesn’t like “monogamy” because of societal implications, even though it only means that you aren’t dating or fucking other people.. that’s what we’re doing. And if he wants a different terms that better encapsulates our activity platter relationship, then we can find that. But at the end of the conversation acknowledging that it is still monogamy and closed and all the things i needed to feel assured with helps. Boys are so weird istg.

It’s hard for me to get my own head on straight for the kind of relationship i really want because it doesn’t look like other peoples. Advice from traditional monogamous people makes me feel like i don’t have strong enough boundaries and i ask it on myself to feel hurt and have line crossing. On the other hand, i don’t want my own freedoms taken away either. I like kissing people, i like surface flirting with people sometimes. I like connecting with people i find interesting or attractive. I don’t think those things at all affect how much i love my partner, or how devoted to them i am. I know that me lightly flirting with someone at a party, or kissing a comfort friend goodbye, doesn’t make me love Michael any less. It’s never made me love my person any less. I know this intrinsically, but i still get scared.

I can want something and it still not be easy for me all of the time. And then things happen that upset me, and i feel like i brought it on myself. But if my boundaries were more traditional, there would still be things that upset me, just on that smaller scale. Id be upset by who he follows or whos pics he likes, or hugging a girl too long, or anything. There would always be something.

It’s frustrating for me to feel upset by things that i want to do myself. I want my freedom and fun moments, but i could do it a lot less than maybe he could.

And then i think about the people we surround ourselves with. Good people, consent happy, understanding of different relationship dynamics, free love and platonic affection, comfort. I want that in my life and to be solid with michael in these spaces. And we have that, like 85%. Which is pretty good for 10 months in.

I can see the full future with him. Financial stability, communication, kids, a wedding, having shared hobbies, doing so many fun things and travel. He looks so good on and off paper. And i believe that. I have doubts, but who wouldn’t with all I’ve been through? Trust is hard as it is. And we’re still relatively new here. 10 months isnt a lot, 6 months exclusive. I’m proud of the progress, of the big intentions, talking marriage and kids and the whole thing has me feeling very swept up. I hope that lasts. I hope that’s real. I hope 2 years from now we’re still this excited and in it.

I don’t want to ruin it but the anxiety is part of me. It seeps in sometimes. I can’t help it. I can’t help worrying and spiraling. Things can’t be that perfect all the time, and when I’m unregulated, i want to tear the whole house down. I fear for a future with infidelity and his scary voice tone in hard conversations. I’m scared for feeling let down or unloved and feeling in the way.

But i know he isnt like other partners I’ve had. I know how deeply he cares about me. How much time he diverts to making sure I’m okay. How reassuring he is without asking and how sweet and forward he is when i do ask.

I know how intentional he is with everything he does. I know how he doesnt just say things to say it. How willing he is to learn and fix things. How much he wants things to be good and smooth. I know how he works hard. I know how he cares about other people. I know how he cares about me. I want to trust it. I do a lot of the way there. Things trip me up though..

I want things to be good.

I need this vacation, time away from it all, and then I’ll get back on sunday and spend the night with him. We’ll reconnect, and be soft and intimate and close and I’ll regulate again. For now, time apart to be with the girls and party and swim and take up sunlight will be good for me. Time to journal and read and go to museums and hang with phoebe and get to know the people who will be apart of my life going forward is important to me. I have my anxiety meds, I’ll have my period and flush away a lot of emotions. I’ll heal and photosynthesize and be calm and sustain my health. Calm baby. We’re okay, tap it in.

We’re okay.

[tayaminaka]

Hello! I saw your requests were open, but please delete this if you are busy, I don't mind! If you are able, could you do chuuya when his s/o stumbles into his office injured after a mission and passes out in his arms? He finds out from his subordinates it was because she defended his pride when the enemy insulted him? Thank you so much and make sure you're taking good care of yourself!

𝗥𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁: S/O gets injured while defending his pride in front of the enemy and stumbles back into his office with Chuuya Nakahara

“Hey Chuuya…is it normal to feel so dizzy after a scratch…?” you said before collapsing into his arms

When you first entered the office everything seemed alright. You were send to an investigation mission to find information about a lost ship container. Usually, such things are found pretty fast but not in this case

Apparently the scratch was more a stab wound. Of course, he knew that people sometimes don’t notice that they were stabbed but it was a wonder how you didn’t collapse on the way back to the headquarters

Before rushing to the emergency department he would tear a piece of cloth from your suit jacket to bandage your wound temporarily. Letting you lose more blood isn’t in his interests

Since you are being treated in the infirmary the report about the process of the mission and the information your team gathered falls on one of your colleagues. While nothing extraordinary happened for 90% of the time he told Chuuya but he mentioned how you ran in a group of thugs who were really excited to finish you off

Well, a gun is always a brilliant argument when it comes to dealing with such people. But you weren’t the one who would unnecessarily pull out a gun. Usually, your diplomatic abilities were enough to let people back away. But these guys were having a good time making fun of you and your connection with Chuuya

Especially the comments they were making about him, his fashion sense, his height and his status pissed you off since everybody knew that they would be too afraid to make fun of him in his presence. Such cowardly acts pulled really hard on your last strings of patients until they finally torn

He will remain calm so nobody would be able to detect any feelings on his poker face but on the inside he has a mixture of different emotions at the same time. Anger, frustration, proudness and….happiness???

Even if he doesn’t need someone to protect his pride in front of a bunch of low life’s and he doesn’t really care about other people's opinions about him, somewhere deep down he’s a bit proud of you and happy that you also defended him.

While he himself wasn’t there and it wouldn’t have mattered to him much what those thugs said he’s also happy that you didn’t leave him out. After all, being defended by someone is a nice feeling. He won’t admit it though.

But will scold you for being so careless and not going right away to the infirmary. It’s there for a reason, so don’t just go into his office when you know you’re hurt and are probably bleeding to death

“Hey! I was defending myself AND your pride and these guys weren’t backing off. What else should I have done???”

“I’m not telling you you aren’t allowed to defend yourself! I’m telling you to go to the damn infirmary when you are injured. What the hell did you expect from me when you walked into my office half dead!?（￣+ー￣). I’m proud of you and I love but don’t just walk around with a stab wound!“

[that-1-nerdygirl]

Chapter 2

A/N: I’m not 100% confident in the quality of this chapter, Tbh. As always, though, please like and reblog if you enjoy!

Warnings: More of OC’s insecurities, slight alluding to Chrissy being verbally/emotionally abused at home.

Tags: @cambbb-56 @jeep-truck @rosaline-black @infinitywarnatenthusiast @from-a-forgotten-kingdom @strangerthings64

For the record, two words were, in fact, all it took for me to develop the biggest crush in the history of all crushes on Eddie Munson. I didn’t tell anyone about it. Well, I told Chrissy, of course, who was less than shocked at my confession.

“Henderson, you’ve been staring all doe-eyed at that boy since that day outside the cafeteria. You can’t hide shit from me.” She laughed. Chrissy was never one to judge, me or anybody else. She listened intently as I went on and on about Eddie’s big brown eyes and curly hair. Most importantly, she helped me make a plan to ask him out.

Eddie was the leader of Hellfire, a club for nerds who played Dungeons and Dragons. He was so clearly passionate about the game and Chrissy was certain that having a shared interest would be sure to win him over. So, she encouraged me to join Hellfire. Though a self-proclaimed nerd myself, I had never played D & D before in my life. Luckily, I knew someone who had.

My little brother, Dustin was in middle school and played D & D almost every weekend with his friends. We’d always been close, but in the last year since our dad passed, we’d become even closer. So I thought for sure he could teach me to play.

“So, you want to learn how to play D & D because…?” Dustin eyed me suspiciously.

“Can I not take an interest in your hobbies? Isn’t that what a good big sister does?” I said innocently.

“Okay? But last time we ask you to play you said it was dumb and unnecessarily complicated.”

“Please, Dusty? Just teach me how to play, okay?”

Dustin ultimately obliged, though not without several sighs. However, when the time came for me to actually go up to Eddie and ask to join the club, I couldn’t do it. Maybe his confident personality made me nervous. Or a mixture of Ashley and Stephanie’s now daily taunts and my own stupid brain messed with my self-confidence. The bottom line is, I didn’t join Hellfire or talk to Eddie.

“Lizzie, just go talk to him. He’d be stupid not to like you.” Chrissy had assured me. No matter what anyone said, Chrissy was always the most supportive and believed in me more than most people believe in anything at all and definitely more than I believed in myself. No matter how hard I tried though, I could never bring myself to see the person that Chrissy saw so clearly everyday in the mirror.

“It’s no use, Chrissy. He’s already made fun of enough. He doesn’t need a cow in his club, too.” I argued.

“Lizzie, you and I both can tell he’s not like that. He doesn’t think that.”

“He doesn’t, maybe. But they do.” I said pointing at the popular table. “What if I just make things worse for him?”

Over the next three years, my crush on the metalhead never went away. Chrissy kept trying to convince me to at least talk to him, but I always made excuses, convincing myself that it was better this way. Sophomore year it was “He’s a senior. He’s graduating. He doesn’t need some kid girlfriend tethering him to this town he clearly hates.” When Eddie had to repeat his senior year the next year I said, “He needs to focus on his grades so he can graduate. I’ll just be a distraction.”

Now it’s senior year. Eddie is a senior once again and I’m about out of excuses.

“What’s the excuse for not asking Eddie out this year, Liz?” Chrissy chuckles at me as we drive towards Hawkins High for the first day. I roll my eyes dramatically at her, avoiding her question. The truth is, the real excuse is the same as it has been every year. What if I’m just not good enough?

Ashley and Stephanie may have long since graduated, but their influence had not. Not only did the tiny voice in my head bear their grating voices, but several of the popular kids still enjoyed taunting me for sport. That included Jason, Chrissy’s boyfriend of nearly four years who, quite honestly, gave me the creeps. He’d never bully me in front of Chrissy, of course, but he’s definitely not the “nice guy” everyone seems to think he is.

As Chrissy parks, I see Jason make his way towards us. Again, I roll my eyes. “Uhhhgggg. Hear comes the Golden Boy. Honestly, Chrissy when are you going to break up with him already?”

Chrissy laughs. “As soon as graduation is over and I’m done having to be ‘Queen of Hawkins High.’” Chrissy didn’t even like Jason. She never did. Her mother, however, had this dream of Chrissy being the pretty, popular cheerleader dating the basketball star and, honestly, life was better at home for Chrissy if she just played along. So she did, even if that meant pretending to be in love with the poster boy for privilege. At least she still refused to get rid of me, a fact I am continually grateful for.

As Jason approaches, I find it harder and harder to keep my face from betraying the true disgust I have for him. So, I excuse myself.

“See you at lunch, Chrissy?” I say as I start to hurry to first period. “Always!” She responds. We link pinkies like always and part ways.

As I’m rushing into Mrs. O’Donnell’s first period English class, I’m not particularly paying attention to where I’m going. I crash full force into a figure wearing a denim Dio vest over a leather jacket.

“Easy there, Henderson.” He says. “English class isn’t going anywhere. Trust me, I definitely know.” A deep brown eye winks at me as he speaks and I know I’m in deep.

Eddie Munson is in my English class.

[soulmate-game]

Harley’s Plea for Help: Chapter 2

Chapter 1

“How long do you think it’s gonna take before she decides to sneak out?” Nightwing asked over his comms, lazily leaning against the balcony railing in front of him with his head resting on one hand.

“Dude, I started sneaking out almost twenty minutes ago,” a girl’s voice made Nightwing squeak and turn around, to reveal a teenage girl leaning against the door that led to the balcony he was on. “I didn’t want to draw attention to myself by doing unnecessarily showy gymnastics down from my hotel room’s balcony, no matter how much fun that would be, so I just snuck out one of the hotel’s back exits. Then I looked up to admire the moon and saw you here, staking out what is clearly my suite, and decided to come pay you a visit.”

“How long have you been there? And how did you even get behind me? I hope you didn’t break and enter, that’s an actual lived-in apartment behind us right now,” Nightwing asked, turning around to analyze the daughter of Harley Quinn for the first time in person.

She looked just like in her pictures, of course. Jet black hair like her father’s, except it seemed to have a bluish shine in the light. And her eyes were definitely Harley’s— thank goodness for that —vibrant blue and clearly analyzing him with the same amount of intensity as his did her. He had to bite back a chuckle. In a turn of complete irony, she really did look like a Wayne kid. Fit all of Bruce’s usual criteria to be adopted. But she was tiny, even smaller than Harley’s lithe form. He, Bruce, and Tim were of the hypothesis that the exposure both her parents had to Ace Chemical’s vats of acid likely had an effect on her DNA that stunted her growth. Perhaps there were other effects that they wouldn’t be able to figure out until they got to know her better, too, though it was clear that her skin was a likely one. It wasn’t unnaturally pale like her parent’s after their acid dips but it was paler than normal for sure, just a shade or two shy of being paper white.

And he could see, now, what Harley meant when she referred to Marinette as a powerhouse. It wasn’t very noticeable in pictures, but up close Dick could see the carefully honed muscle of an acrobat curling over her otherwise slim build. Combined with the knowledge that Marinette had been taught at least some serious self defense from a young age, he could see how such a tiny package could be a remarkable threat when necessary.

Marinette grimaced as the other Batfam, who were all nearby staking out her room from different angles, dropped onto the large balcony with them.

“Uh, well. I didn’t break and enter, I rather not get off to a criminal-ly start on my first night in Gotham, you know? But I realized that even though I was able to figure out the exact room you were staking me out from, I realized as soon as I got into the first floor of the building that I had no idea how to actually get to you. So I just climbed the stairs all the way to the roof and scaled my way down to this balcony, and pretended I’ve been here for a while when really I was barely able to hear you ask when I was gonna sneak out. I’m still out of breath, actually,” she put a hand on her chest and sure enough her breathing was still slightly fast. But not enough to be worrying or even all that noticeable. Yet another piece of evidence to show that she was a very active individual and had resistance built up to physical activity.

“Yup,” Robin groused grumpily, crossing his arms. “With all that rambling, you couldn’t be anyone else’s child but Quinzel’s.”

Marinette’s face immediately flushed pink all the way to her ears. “I’m sorry! I’ve been trying so hard to quit that habit, too!” She grumbled a bit to herself, putting her face in her hands. They all chuckled at the display. Red Hood ambled over, draping his arm over her shoulders (he nearly had to bend in half to do it, the height difference was that bad).

“As adorable as your freak out is, why’d you even come up here anyway? There’s no way you’d scale down a ten-story building just to say hello.”

She let out a heavy sigh at that, slowly peeling her face out of her hands. “Yeah, I recognized you guys right away. And honestly, as much as Momma Harley would be super proud of me for managing to give an entire group of vigilantes the slip, she’d also ground me for life if she found out that I saw you guys and still snuck away even though she probably swallowed her pride and asked you guys to babysit me, right? Self preservation. Contrary to popular belief, I do actually have some.”

“Wait,” Red Robin held up a hand, brows clearly furrowed under his cowl. “You expected her to ask for our help?”

“Well,” she made a so-so motion with her hand. “I didn’t think of it beforehand, but it all clicked once I saw Nightwing. I know how much my mom is worried about me, especially since you-know-who broke out a few days ago. She is more than worried enough to ask you guys for help. Even if she does complain about you guys, a lot actually, she also has made it clear that she trusts you guys with the stuff that actually matters.

“‘You know who’?” Batman repeated, arms crossed. If Marinette squinted, she thought there might have been a grin on his lips. “Is that how you always refer to him?”

“What else am I gonna call him?” she asked, face going deadpan. “Sperm donor? Source of a large amount of my self doubt and depreciation? The prime reason I haven’t been able to see my mom in person more often over the years? Oh, I know! How about I just always refer to him as ‘that bastard I wanna punch,’? That sounds good!” she rolled her eyes sarcastically. “Only one person in this world has the right to be considered my father in any capacity, and it sure as hell isn’t him. Genetics notwithstanding.”

Red Hood straight up guffawed at that, landing several rough pats on her back that made the girl stumble a bit. “Yep, I like this one! But as fun as it would be to see you give that jackass a mean left hook, it’s better if he never finds out who you are or knows that you’re here,” the vigilante’s voice got dark and serious very quickly. “He doesn’t forget people he finds interesting easily, and if he ever finds out about the connection you have to him, he’ll be a constant threat in your life.”

“I know,” Marinette agreed with a nod. “And if this conversation was happening two years ago, I’d say that my mom’s concerns aren’t unfounded. That I am too easily emotionally compromised and despite my deep seated issues and hatred for that man, I couldn’t guarantee he would be unable to get to me.”

Batman straightened up, as did all of his sons around him. None of them had missed the ‘if’ there. Batman’s voice went from charmingly deep to it’s usual gruff grumble. “What changed in two years?”

They all watched as Marinette gulped, taking a deep breath as she stalled for time, looking out at the view on the balcony before seeming to steel herself and return her gaze to Batman’s. When she did, it was suddenly full of iron will.

“I didn’t lie when I told Mom that I came to visit her— but that isn’t the whole truth, either. If I just wanted to visit her in Gotham, I would have waited until I was eighteen like we agreed. But I can’t wait, Paris can’t keep going on like this. I entered that contest because it was the fastest way to see you. I didn’t know if I would win, but… I had to take the chance. There was no way I’d be able to get to Gotham behind my mom’s back otherwise.”

“What are you talking about?” Robin hissed, stepping up to his father’s side. “Paris has been silent. If anything were happening, we would have heard about it by now.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Marinette corrected, never losing that ironclad look in her eyes. “Because a combination of magic and politics is keeping it quiet. No news about Paris’ situation is able to leave the city limits. Magic makes any non-native who leaves Paris think that everything they experienced was just a crazy dream. Natives won’t forget, but politics has all of us under very strict NDAs if we leave city boundaries, and all of our local news and social media is blocked from being accessed by anyone outside the city. But, I figured a little breaking of the rules wouldn’t exactly put a stain on my family’s reputation or anything, so,” she dug in her pocket and pulled out a thumb drive, holding it up for all of them to see. She swallowed again, but never stopped her eye contact with Batman. She held out the thumb drive.

“I came to Gotham to ask for your help. This sped things up, I didn’t expect to see you on my first night here, but two years in Hawkmoth’s Paris has really taught me how to roll with the punches. This,” she shook the thumb drive. “Holds videos of every fight since HawkMoth first showed up. It has all the information I’ve gathered over two years, tracks his movements and lists all his targets and— everything. But I’m not a detective, I’m a designer. I make clothes, I spar on the weekends, I am not good at getting evidence to prove that someone is a magic-abusing villain holding an entire city hostage.”

“We’re gonna need some details, Little Q,” Red Hood finally removes his arm from around her shoulders, instead crossing his arms and looking down at her sternly. “If your city has a villain holding it hostage, is anyone fighting him? And if you do have someone fighting him, why don’t you need our help, or why didn’t they call the Justice League? The JLE should be in Paris, right?”

Marinette snorted, face scrunching up in obvious distaste. “I’ll have to answer those a little out of order. First; the JLE was kicked out of Paris. They moved their headquarters to Italy about five years ago, I’m just surprised they apparently kept that secret from you,” she gestured to all of them, who indeed seemed very caught off guard by that tidbit. But Marinette just sighed and continued. “Though that’s a good thing, actually. We do have heroes, it started out as just a pair but it’s grown into a small team out of necessity. They didn’t call the Justice League because the last thing we need is any powered heroes coming in and making it worse— your league doesn’t have the best reputation for letting newer heroes take the lead even on their home turf, you know,” she pointed out, which made Batman shift a bit guiltily. He knew the JL was often a bit… heavy handed in their methods.

“What makes the situation so bad that you don’t want to bring experienced heroes into it?” Red Robin cut in, sounding as if the whole situation was a puzzle he was determined to sort out. Which, really, was exactly what Marinette had been counting on. She shot him a finger gun, grinning.

“That’s exactly the point! Hawkmoth uses a magical artifact, like I said— but this artifact can brainwash anybody who experiences even the slightest negative emotion. Sadness, anger, fear— anything negative. And it gives them powers, but puts them largely under his influence,” her expression twisted again, this time into a wry little grimace. “I guess you can say that my momma’s psychiatry background has secretly come in handy a lot over these past two years. And Hawkmoth is exactly why I try to tell Momma Harley to stop visiting me— I have worked my butt off to keep her from finding out about his attacks or getting Akumatized. Every time she shows up it gives me a heart attack!”

“Akumatized?”

Marinette waved a hand dismissively. “It’s the term used for when someone is turned into a super powered villain because of HawkMoth. The brainwashing— really it’s more similar to a straight up corruption. The person usually lacks their usual moral compass, and just seeks to soothe whatever set off their negative emotion in the first place. Usually, that means they seek a bloody revenge. And if someone who already has extensive training or extremely strong powers gets Akumatized, guess what?” She made jazz hands even though her face was deadpan. “Extra powers, or amplified ones, for the metas or superheroes who are Akumatized. And imagine what someone with, say, Batman’s level of experience could do if he had powers and no moral compass,” the silence that followed her words was deafening. She just nodded, knowing she had gotten her point across. “I’ve been working my butt off to stay positive, because if I’m Akumatized…” her shoulders fell, and she had to swallow a lump in her throat. “... I have no idea what I’d turn into, but if you take into consideration both my training and my family history… it’s really best if we never find out what kind of magic-powered supervillain I’d make.”

“So, let me get this straight,” Nightwing said after another long moment of silence for that to all sink in. He gestured at her with an open palm. “You’ve been dealing with a terrorist for two years who targets emotional vulnerability, you apparently have never been corrupted by this magic at least to present day, but your mother still worries about you being very emotionally fragile. And your heroes are not detectives, which is clearly what you need or you wouldn’t have asked us for our help.”

Marinette nodded. “I used to be very impressionable. At the start of all this, I was a huge people-pleaser. I got attached to new people in a matter of minutes. My mom always said I reminded her too much of herself— but two years of fighting off a guy trying to get into my head—“

“Wait,” Batman nearly barked, taking a step forward. “He’s been targeting you? You specifically?”

Marinette nodded grimly, mouth a straight line. “Not from the beginning, but this past year it’s been painfully obvious. He might be able to sense the strength of people’s emotions, and unfortunately I don’t exactly experience my emotions very… gently. All of my emotions tend to the much more intense side of the spectrum. If that’s true, then he might know that any negative emotion I feel will make an extremely strong Akuma. Either that, or he’s going by process of elimination. All of my friends, except for one, have been Akumatized already. So has my Papan and my grandmother. But it’s obvious when he’s targeting someone, I’ve felt him try to override my will on several occasions. But I can’t just repress all of my negative emotions forever, so consider us working against the clock right now. That thumb drive has all the details you need about our heroes, how exactly Hawkmoth’s powers work, and so on.”

“Do your heroes know you’re asking for our help?” Red Robin asked, gaze burning a figurative hole through Marinette’s face. “Better yet, if this drive has as much information as you say it does, how did you get it?”

Marinette handed the drive over to Batman, who finally took it and tucked it in his belt as she answered.

“Momma Harley might have a lot to say about your detective skills, but you are all still strangers to me. So consider this a test of your abilities— I expect that you will all go to extreme lengths to verify all of the information I gave you anyway. After all, I’m still the daughter of your most hated enemy. Right?” She met each of their gazes, one by one, with a challenging one of her own. “You’ll just have to figure out my connection to the heroes on your own. And how I got the information, too. It shouldn’t be too hard for the so-called world’s greatest detectives. And maybe this can double as a trust exercise. I fully expect you guys to scour through every inch of my past, and dig up everything you can on me. I encourage you to try to find everything you can, so that hopefully you can decide to trust me on your own once you have all the details laid out in front of you. By the way, for your own sanity? I’d start with reading about all of our heroes’ powers and abilities before you watch any footage of past attacks.”

Red hood rocked back on his heels, trading glances with the other vigilantes before they all shared a nod. Apparently having decided their course of action, Red Hood leaned down and hoisted Marinette up into a princess carry. All traces of her previous iron will melted away in favor of the high pitched squeal of surprise she gave, and once more she became an overly flustered teenager.

“Alright, little cutie. Let’s get you to your mom’s place before she and her crazy plant lady fiancé come hunting us down.”

“I can walk! I can freerun on my own! Mon dieu please let me down! Eeeeek!” She squealed again as Robin slapped a domino mask over her eyes and Red Hood wasted no time jumping over the balcony railing with her still in his arms. The fact that they were lowered down by a wire wrapped around Hood’s waist didn’t seem to take away any of the fright that came with a sudden drop over an eighth-story balcony.

Part 1

@emotionalsupportginger @alysrose-starchild @emistar0 @kibastray @justanotherfanficlovinbitch @alyssadeliv @blackroserelina @blackstarlight-co @readingalldaysleepingallnight @maanae @aespades @jaybird-and-co @fleursroses @probably-a-hologram @misterpianoman (didn’t work sorry)

[glowwormm]

I hate how obscure my learning disability (NVLD) is. I struggle daily with reading body language, doing puzzles, and other activities that require decent visual-spatial processing. I’ve had people be unnecessarily passive aggressive towards me for not understanding how to complete a task.

I can’t fold my clothes or fill out forms without assistance step by step, but I can talk for hours on end about my interests, and I can make observations on minute details other people tend to miss.

I’ve been praised for my ability to write and have won first place in speech contests for hard of hearing students, yet I’ve been scolded for sounding sarcastic when I don’t mean to be. I’ve been called lazy for being overwhelmed by cleaning tasks that feel daunting because of vague instructions.

My verbal and writing skills mask the struggles I have in other aspects of my life- aspects that seem to have been deemed “more important”. Too often I find myself feeling left out and wondering if I did or said something wrong. No one ever bothers to explain it, and I’m just left to feel like I failed at fitting in and socializing. Like an objective in a video game.

People expect me to know how to do things immediately because of my strong speaking abilities. Then when I don’t understand how to do something as instructed, they’re confused and disappointed. If I need extra time, they act like it’s an inconvenience.

All I ask for is patience, understanding, and flexibility. I know I’m capable of many things, I just may need to find a different technique that works for me. If something is too difficult for me to process, or it requires complex fine motor skills my body can’t seem to execute, please understand that and let me help with something else. I know the limits to my abilities and hope that can be respected.

I know I can achieve great things by utilizing my strengths, but it’s hard to believe that when so much of a focus in a neurotypical world is placed on unspoken social rules that you’re expected to know from day one. And when you don’t pick up on them, you’re an outcast and designated as “weird”.

I’m doing my best but because I don’t fit into neurotypical’s cookie cutter idealist world, my best isn’t good enough.

[kuma829]

Sacrifice◆Resurrection Sunday of the Undying Prologue

Cast: Rei, Kaoru

Author(s): Akira

Season: Spring

Proofread by: Gelyan

Kaoru-kun, I know this is abrupt… But I want to drink your blood.

Prologue

Kaoru: Yahoo~,  is everyone working hard? I even showed up, how rare of me~♪

(... Huh? No one’s here?)

(Aww man, this blows. The chick I was gonna have some fun with bailed on me too~ So I came here and thought I’d kill some time)

(Maybe I just came at a bad time? I guess I’m just not compatible with everyone at UNDEAD after all?)

(Well, they’re all good guys, after all)

(Then what do I do…? I pranced all the way to school and don’t want all this energy wasted by going home in the end, right~?)

(Plus, there’s just nothing interesting to do at home… Being at home, I feel suffocated)

(Heh~ It can’t be helped. I’ll just laze around in the Marine Biology Club’s room)

(Or maybe I’ll head to the roof and tend to my surfboard, maybe even give a showing of my usual routine of chasing around and annoying the transfer student-chan until she hates my guts…)

Rei: …

Kaoru: …GYAH!? AAaah, you surprised me! Why’re you just standing there quietly, Sakuma-san!

Or, were you here the whole time? I didn’t notice~ Aren’t you usually all gloom and doom?

Rei: …

Kaoru: Oooi~... Don’t you ignore me! I mean, not that I care if a guy ignores me~ You’re so unnecessarily good looking, it’s sorta scary when you don’t talk, y’kno?

Rei: …Huh. Aah, Kaoru-kun.

Kaoru: Yeah, yeah it’s Kaoru-kun~  What’s the matter with you, you look like the life’s been taken out of you.

I mean, the DDD we had the other day was stupidly hard~ So, I’m sure you’re probably just tired?

My muscles are sore all over, I can hear creaking sounds from just about everywhere. Muscles I don’t normally use hurt just as well~ I won’t be doing something akin to this in like foreverrr.

Rei: Hm… For now, just rest and do some small work here and there to keep your skills sharp. That way your arm strength will still stay intact.

I await for how Yumenosaki will change with that revolution, I wonder… We’ll observe from afar to monitor the situation, and if something needs to be changed, we shall see to it.

Aah, but for now we do not have to fear.

Kaoru: The usual, “bystander” role for us again? Maybe it’s a bit greedy of me, but I’m good if I don’t have to work a ton.

I’m not into working hard or this perseverance stuff, you know~ I want to break as little sweat possible ♪

Rei: Hm… I suppose that was our agreement… But if you do not sweat, your body temperature will just rise. It will ignite a fire within you, and that fire will swallow you whole.

Akin to a vampire who faces the sun.

Kaoru: What’s with the vampire act~ Don’t you realise that since last year you’ve been making up this character?

I mean, I don’t care. But I’m sure your old fans are confused, no?

Rei: Hmm… Lamentable. I wonder if I’ve come to hate myself? Is this what they call the “anti-consumer sickness?” 

Kaoru: What are you saying? Don’t say you wanna stop being marketable, just try to stay active and popular.

And then there’s me, who’ll benefit because I’m in the same unit as you~ He who will be irresistible to girls without a effort ♪

Rei: Don’t make other people put in the work for you. I believe the fastest way to reach the stars is to take your  problems into your own hands, don’t you?

Kaoru: Sakuma-san, that goes for you too, yeah? You’ve gotta get a grip man, I don’t know if this is like burnout or whatever, but c’mon.

We’re both supposed to be “UNDEAD…” But instead of playing your role of an undead vampire, you’re more of a zombie~?

Rei: I am not a rotting corpse, how rude.

…But still, thank you. You really worry about me, don’t you Kaoru-kun?

Kaoru: Maybe~~? I’m just trying to kill some time!

I’ve got no reason to be nice to a guy, y'know~ Every breath I breathe is saved to make a girl happy ♪

Rei: On the contrary, you’re quite a kind child.

Kaoru-kun, I must apologise for constantly relying on your good will.

Kaoru: Eeeh? What…? Hey, hey, don’t get any closer to me, you’re freaking me out!?

Rei: Hmm… It’s true this is “freaky,” there’s no stopping you from finding this act disgusting. This is an immoral act, it’d make any man make a run for it…

Kaoru-kun

Kaoru: H-huh? What? You sure are acting strange today, Sakuma-san?

Rei: Mhm… I am aware. I grow weaker by the second, please save me… Kaoru-kun.

Please hear my pleas, do not be taken aback. Stay calm and listen.

Kaoru-kun, I know this is abrupt… But I want to drink your blood.

Kaoru: …?

…? Eh? Eh? No?

Rei: Oooh, don’t say that. I mean it when I say there is no one else I can depend upon, but you.

Kaoru: No way, noooo way, nooooooooooo wayyyyyy!!! Did you just ask me to let you drink my blood? This vampire act, it’s just a character, right? Sakuma-san speak to me!

Rei: …

Kaoru: Huh?  Eh?  Stop silently creeping up on me! Haaah??? Heeeey!!! I’m like, actually, super scared here…!?

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