#and my binders too small and my chest hurts after wearing it so i cant wear that

[wings-of-angels]

Oh no big mistake to have looked at my reflection in the glass door in the kitchen </3 my gender dysphoria just skyrocketted :(

[soft-boi-eli]

Ok ok! Good uhm.

Ok since body dysmorphia has been kicking my butt lately i wanted to request something with Schlatt where basically the reader Starts getting really insecure because of their body. Pushing and pulling on their stomach etc. They also start binding unsafely with like really tight bras because they can't afford a binder and they end up fucking up their ribs really bad. They end up in the hospital and a very worried Schlatt visit's them and lectures them about how they shouldn't have done that and about how worried he was. So when they get back home there is a gift on the bed, turns out Schlatt bought them a binder.

The reader would be Non-binary and afab.

Also a little message for pretty much anyone who is insecure about their body/has body dysmorphia because of their chest, don't bind unsafely. That can really fuck up your chest and make you actually being happy with your body even harder.

Hell yes. I love this idea thank you icarus! Writing has been rude to me lately and I needed inspiration. This has hit it exactly.

Pronouns:nonbinary (dont think any were actually used in this so yeah.)

Tw: AFAB reader, swearing, insecurity, mention of surgry, mention of blood, mention of hating self, pain. Again angst to fluff. It is reflecting on how I have felt about my body before because I needed to make it seem kinda real.

PSA: please dont bind safely. It's dangerous and can lead to serious health consequences. I know hating your body sucks but I dont want anyone to get hurt because they dont listen to their lungs, they dont take off their binder, or if their bras are way too fucking tight. It can and will hurt you. So please bind safely!!

Happy birth-what the fuck?!

Lately your brain was giving you more dysphoria then ever. Telling you your body was too big, your boobs were too noticable, and you hips are too feminine.

What brought this on? Someone simply said your dead name. It made your dysphoria hit you like a truck.

After that day everything went down hill. Your stopped streaming, telling your followers that you were going on a mental break, you didn't really talk to friends, your brain could put words together. And you most importantly barely texted your loving supporting boyfriend schaltt, not wanting to break down in front of him.

You never had the time or thoughts of getting a chest binder. It was your biggest mistake honestly.

Deciding against chest binders and wearing alot of tight bras to flatten you. But it didnt work. So you got tighter bras. And they did work. But you didnt read up on how to bind safely.

This lead to the predicament now. In front of your mirror you were pinching and pulling at your skin. There was too much. All you wanted to do was cut it off with scissors. But decided against it due to the fact of all the blood that you would loose.

Your chest, smaller then it was yas, was still visible after your 3rd bra. You decided to add a 4th and tighter one hoping it would completely hide your boobs.

Your body made you want to puke. It made you feel disgusting. But you never told schaltt that. Afraid that he would say that you looked as gross as you thought you did.

Only 5 minutes after the 4th bra you felt excoriating pain in your ribs. And worse of all a harsh pop. That immediately brought red flags. It hurt to breath. Your head fuzzy and light headed.

Your only reaction, to call for an ambulance. Dialing the three numbers as you whimpered in pain you held onto your lungs. "911 what's your emergency?" "I cant breathe. It hurts so bad. Please help." "Are you by yourself?" "Yes. I need help please." "Ambulance, firemen, and police are on their way. Ambulance is 2 minutes out."

You didnt know if you had 2 minutes. "They can break the door down if I dont answer." That's all you said after collapsing.

Next thing you knew your door was busted off its hinges and you saw two paramedics. They were quick to transfer you to the ambulance, cutting through the four bras that held your chest.

It help get air to your lungs but it barely helped.

"We have a collapsed lung. ETA 2 minutes." The paramedic back there with you spoke to the walkie talkie.

Collapsed lung? Was that the harsh pop? God, was the bras that bad of an idea? All that was going through your mind was how you possibly could get worse. The instant you got into the trauma bay was way worse. With no time to numb you and your O2 stats dropping they had to cut between your ribs and shove a tube right next to your left lung. Draining air and excess blood blocking your lung from inflating. And before you knew it you were off to emergency surgery for getting a shard of bone out of your chest cavity.

The last thing you remember was counting down and falling asleep.

When you woke up your boyfriend was next to your bed, hands engulfing one of yours.

It looked like he had been crying before falling asleep on one of your legs. Taking your free hand through his hair you smiled lightly. "I'm sorry for all of this ram boy." He grunted lightly and moved his head back into your hand. His messy hair was thick and nearly matted. It made you wonder how long he's been sitting there. You loved him and felt so selfish for doing this to him.

"I cant believe I did all this and for what? To cause you and everyone pain? All because i couldnt afford a chest binder and deciding that I might as well try another way. I should have been safer huh?" You didnt expect an answer back. Just his quite snores.

"Yeah. Not really fuckin selfish more like kinda dumb. Your body doesnt show who the fuck you are (y/n). Your heart does. And your heart isnt say boy or girl. Its saying you are you. A person who uses pronouns they them. A person that love everyone and cares for their friends. A person who love me and jambo so deeply."

He took a breath.

"You normally are quite smart. Saving up for one would of been a better idea instead of doing such a stupid thing. Asking for my help. Because if I knew I would of helped. I would of found one just right for you. I would help you remember to take it off after 8 hours. Even would of found a way to make you feel more like you."

You could hear his heart break.

"But now you're here, four broken ribs, a healing lung, and stuck in the hospital for another week at least."

You felt so guilty. He was right. You should of told him. He would never have seen you like you saw yourself. He never cared about how you looked. He only cared for your heart.

Tears falling down your face you continued to massage his scalp. "I could of lost you. You are my rock. When I cant keep up my normal antics and feel like I'm at an all time low. You are there to pick me up." You had to stop the sob from coming up. "I'm just so happy youre alive." He looked up.

His red eyes were making your heart ache. "I wont do it again I promise. But I cant just ignore the feeling of dread whe. I look down and realize I present so much like a girl. I dont wa t to be one." Schaltt nodded and kissed the hand he was holding. "Then let me help you. I wont let this happen again. Just please. Come to me. Talk to me. I'm here like you are for me."

You gave a small nod.

This man knew his way to your heart. He was so sincere about this. "I will. But promise me you wont look down on me if I end up feeling like that." You just needed to make sure you knew he would never but you needed his words. "Mever sugarbabe. Never in my life have I looked down on you and never will."

God the week was long, him and the doctor explaining safe binding that you cant fully bind for at least 6-8 weeks. Schlatt telling you his reaction to finding your apartment swarmed with police and firemen and you no where to be seen.

He was practicing on saying happy birthday to you. But was cut off. "Happy birth-what the fuck?!" He was so concerned and even more so when you were in hospital.

When you did go home he helped you through the door, and watched you as you saw the small package on your couch.

Opening it you saw a chest binder. Specifically the one you were looking at. Looking over to schaltt with tears in your eyes you walked up and hugged him lightly minding the pain in your left side. This was the best gift.

The only gift you had been wanting for the past week or two. "Now you can be safe. But no binding till your doctor says so or I swear to god I will personally smite you down." You had to try so hard no to laugh or the pain would of been hell. Kissing his cheek you smiled.

"Of course schaltt. I will make sure to not wear it till I'm healed dont want to get blood on it ya know. Also it would hurt like a fucking bitch."

He chuckled and ruffled your hair. "Alright now go sit down. I'll get you some soup ya dork."

This was going to be a great time. That was until the pain fully came back. And then this is going to be a mediocre time.

Please pardon spelling errors. I havent proof read. And I am on mobile for almost all stories. But thank you so much for requesting this became something that I could write and it helped me alot. Now I might take a while for other things too and i apologize that's cause i am starting school soon. Also family issues. So yeah might take a bit. Dont know how long though. I'll try to keep them coming but if not you know I'm studying or helping my mom and grandma.

Eli out.

[mydearesthrry]

noooo! - p.p.

prompt 12 from fluff : “Am I your lockscreen?” “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

prompt 3 from fluff: “Have you seen my hoodie?” “Noo.” “You’re wearing it, aren’t you?”

warnings: nothing really, just swearing and lots of fluff

side note; also, sorry about all the pet names? there's so many and it starts to get repetitive :(

y/i/n - your initials

a flurry of clothes was thrown around the room as you paced around your room quickly, rummaging through your drawers trying to find something to wear.

"FUCK!" you loudly exclaimed, stubbing your toe on your bedframe. you fell over with a loud thud, and crawled over to your pants drawer.

"you okay honey?" your mom shouted from the kitchen downstairs.

"yeah mom! just hurt myself, sorry!" you yelled back, looking for a pair of black ripped jeans.

"bingo." you said to yourself, seeing a white hoodie with a small black spider embroidered on the left breast area of it. it was pretty cold that day, so you decided to throw on a north face jacket over it. you zipped it up and quickly ran down the stairs, grabbing two waffles, kissed your mom on the cheek. you ran down all the way to the subway, all ready being late.

"FUCK!" you yelled again for the second time that morning, almost losing your balance and slipping.

you met peter on the subway, and sighed in relief, the sight of him already making you feel better. he looked up from his phone and saw you, smiling brightly, and sticking out his arms for you to come into.

"hi angel!" he said to you, squeezing you tightly.

"hi baby boy. i missed you so much." you murmured, breathing in his sweet scent. you looked up, kissing him softly on his lips. you burrowed yourself back into his neck afterwards.

"missed you too, babe. you got anything special happening today?" he let go of you, but grabbing your hand.

"mm, not really, jus' have to study for this stupid test. you can come over, if you want. if you don't wanna, s' okay."

"of course i'll come over! i get to spend more time with my favorite girl."

his comment made you blush profusely, and you hid your face in his chest, and he laughed, fluffing your hair. you two soon arrived to school, and went your separate ways.

"sup mj, where've you been? missed you" you said, a big smile on your face, as you saw your best friend again for the first time in 2 weeks.

"shit, sorry, i didn't get to tell you, i went with my mom to portugal for two weeks. and in fact, i got you something!" she exclaimed, reaching into her bag to grab you something. she pulled out a small little mug with the initials 'p.p. - y/i/n - n.l. - m.j.' written on the inside of the cup.

"mj, i- i don't know what to say,, t-thank you." you reached over the desk and hugged her and she replied with a "you're welcome, dork.". the period ended within a blink of an eye, and next you had science with peter.

you met up with peter while you were on your way to your locker, seeing him there already. you giggled slightly, planning your go up to him to scare him. you creeped up behind him and shouted "BOO!" and hurled over in laughter seeing how much he flinched.

"babyyyyyyy," he said with a pout on his lips. "that wasn't funny!"

"okay, okay, i'm sorry! i saw the opportunity and took it!" you said, running your fingers through his hair to make him feel better.

"i guess it's okay. but you owe me!" he said, tickling your sides. you both walked to class hand in hand and took your respective seats next to eachother.

you placed your phone on your desk along with your books and binders. you saw peter glance over at your phone, and you thought nothing of it, shrugging your shoulders and grabbing more things out of your backpack.

"umm y/n/n? am i your lockscreen?" he asked, looking up at you skeptically.

"noooo! y-you weren't supposed to see that!" you said nervously, snatching your phone and putting it in your jean pocket.

"i don't mind angel, it's cute. own up to it." he said, pulling his phone out of his pocket and showing you his lockscreen. it was a picture of you and him from the science trip the class went on, you two attached at the hip, and giving eachother the goofiest smiles imaginable. luckily, betty was able to catch the sight with her phone, taking an amazing photo of you and peter which grew to be his favorite. you could feel the heat rush to your cheeks, and you quickly turned around in your seat.

as soon as you knew it, all of your classes were done, and it was now time to go home. you went to your locker and put everything you needed to in it. you could hear the loud chatter of peter and ned coming towards you, so you closed your locker and faced the direction of the two.

"hey boys." you greeted them, nodding at mj who was behind them. she nodded back to you, looking back to read her book.

"hey, y/n! peter and i were just talking about the new movie that's coming out soon, you know? about the aliens?" he waved his arms around his head, asking you as if you obviously knew what he was talking about. you looked over at peter who gave you a look that said 'just say yes', so you looked back at ned, nodding your head yes.

"cool! does that mean you'll come with me and peter to go see it?" oh gosh. i mean, it's not that you didn't like going to movies with them, but when you've been doing it for so long, it started to get.. boring.

"uhhhhhh, sorry ned, i actually cant, i have to go uh- walk my neighbors dog?" you said questioningly, and after seeing the look on peters face, you quickly yelled a goodbye and ran to the exit.

*:･ﾟtime skip *:･ﾟ

you got back to your house and immediately ran up the stairs. you grabbed everything you needed for your study session, grabbed your led light remote and set the color to a bright yellow, and began working. you turned on some music, and as you were humming to the tune, a loud tap startled you. you looked over to your window, and saw the famous vigilante at the edge of your fire escape. you ran over to it, and unlocked it.

"hi princess." he grunted and jumped into your room.

"hi my love, how was patrolling?" you asked, pulling his mask off his face to give him a soft peck.

"eh, fine. let's get to studying!" he studied your figure, and saw a hoodie that he swore looked like his. he scanned his mind, wondering if he knew where it was, and came to the realization that he didn't.

"hey, y/n, i've been looking for a hoodie that looks exactly like yours. have you seen it?" he asked, not noticing how wide your eyes got.

"wh- what? nooooooo!" you said very unconvincingly.

"you're wearing it, aren't you?" he said, connecting the dots together.

"okay, yes! but only because it smells like you and i like your hoodies more than mine." you whined like a child as you pulled the hood of his hoodie over your head.

"don't stress about it, baby. you look cute in it." he grinned, pulling the drawstrings of the white hoodie towards him, closing the gap between your lips.

[custom-emojis]

trees-the-bees said: Hey! I sent an ask a little bit ago, but had no idea you were getting surgery! I'm so sorry I didn't see that! But the fact that you did is amazing!!! And when I'm old enough, I'm going to go through with it myself, what is the experience like if you don't mind me asking?

okay this ask was lost in The Great Inbox Nuking of 2020 but I really did mean to answer it and im finally going to, It’s just been. Hectic. for me. Anyways, I got top surgery through trans care/three bridges in BC, they hooked me up with doing most of the work of finding a dr etc. 

BEFORE I CONTINUE, KEEP IN MIND: I am not a Doctor! This is my personal experience, and experiences may vary! 

I waited for two and a half years. Almost 3 years, before getting a referral for Dr.Mckee in Burnaby BC (I’m fine with saying what Dr I went too, even if it reveals around where I live. I’m an adult)

He was alright to work with but i felt very rushed and nervous with him. but to walk to you through it, you’ll get to go to an appointment where he’ll take a look at your chest, maybe do some measurements, but mostly just talk. You’ll talk about what you want, what you want your scar shape to be (sometimes you get a choice in that!) if you want nipple grafts, and pros and cons of each thing, etc. 

At least in my case my Dr discouraged nipple grafts since they’re very sensitive and delicate, but I elected to get them and am happy with them :D 

You’ll also need to discuss quitting smoking if that’s something you do, Weed is okay if that’s something you do. Vaping is not allowed, no nic juice is. 

So basically, if you use anything with nicotine you’ll HAVE to quit before surgery. Go with what your dr tells you, but I quit about two-three weeks before surgery cold turkey. I smoked a lot of weed during it to help cope and that was totally fine as long as you’re not high the day of or the day before surgery. When it was time to go in, surgery was extremely early. I got up around 5am for surgery lol. Had to be at the hospital for 7am and you cant eat or drink anything (not even water). You do a LOT of waiting and eventually they ask you to change into your gown. The doctor will come and talk with you, draw some marks on your chest, and they’ll do basic tests like a urine test (they did for me to test I had no nicotine in my system, as I was a smoker), and blood pressure, etc. 

Then there’s more waiting. Seriously. A lot of waiting. Eventually they’ll give you some pills to take. These are antinauseants and pain killers from what I was told. Then they do the IV. God I was terrified for the IV and the doctor (not my surgeon) sucked at it. It hurt like a bitch. So heres my advice if you’re scared of needles like I am! 

Ask to wait for the anesthesiologist. 

After the Dr failed I was bawling my eyes out and panicking and asked to wait for the anesthesiologist since he knows what he’s doing, and asked him for some numbing cream. sure enough, he got me some numbing cream and when it was time for me to get the IV he used a small needle and I didn’t feel a thing! It was fantastic. The nurses were great and very comforting and the when you get the anestetics you mostly feel nothing? Like, for me it burned my hand a bit bc I had the smaller needle, but it got me to sleep! 

If you wanna know what it feels like to go under, i unfortunately cant tell you much. I was just out like a light. They thankfully didn’t do the countdown for me, that’d of made me panic. I was just asleep, then suddenly awake. I personally had a really bad panic attack when I woke up from surgery but once I calmed down from that I was actually pretty good. I didn’t feel high or doped up. Eventually I was given more pain medication, you gotta wait around for a while to fully come out of all the drugs you were pumped full of, then you gotta get a ride home (you cant take public transit, you need a ride). 

Then it’s immense amounts of sleep, pain killers, and bed rest for a week! 

That week is the hardest. You can barely move, you gotta wear a tight, uncomfortable, medical binder the entire time and you gotta sleep on your back. 

but once that weeks over with, you can start to slowly get back to your usual routine and you’re considered more or less good by a month post op! 

The doctor might want another appointment at the month mark to see how things look and give you final advice, but otherwise you’re basically good! 

If you wanna know anything else, feel free to ask any questions but hopefully this gives a walk through of the process and what it was like! 

[shhhhyoursister]

Hey this is probably a really weird ask to send but if you're feeling it would you be able to write about Matteo and David talking more about David being trans and what being trans means? I really wanted them to talk about what it means and what being on T does in the show but they didn't

uh yes i can write about this?? gotta say its kinda wild i got this ask literally right after talking to @theyellowcurtains about my plans for a fic where they talk about trans stuff?? tbh i cant go super into detail about stuff regarding T just cause i am not personally on it, but i know all the basics and i have friends who are on it and i AM trans so i feel pretty qualified to talk about a lot of this lol but yeah thank you for asking!!!!! this is a lil bit of a prequel?? i guess?? to the other thing i wrote?? ill link it at the bottom!!!! sorry i kinda went off (also featuring weed cause im one of those gays)

They had been smoking for a while, which is probably why Matteo felt comfortable enough to pose the question he had been thinking about for weeks. It was still kind of early in their relationship, and despite the fact that they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other, Matteo was terrified of fucking up.

He knew that David was confident enough to tell him off if he did something wrong, but he didn’t want it to even get to that point. He knew that he couldn’t control for every potentially dumb decision his brain would make, but he had a few specific things in mind that he felt like he and David should talk about. 

He was lying with his head in David’s lap, who was leaned against the wall at the top of Matteo’s bed, a joint hanging out of his mouth. David’s eyes were a little red rimmed, and Matteo had to remind himself that David was still new to smoking. He had been taking smaller hits than Matteo, but both boys were feeling floaty and open and content.

“Can I- um,” Matteo started before getting distracted as David’s eyes dropped down to meet his. They were such a pretty shade of brown, like swirls of chocolate syrup, and Matteo’s mind drifted to thoughts of ice cream sundaes before he was brought back when David tugged lightly on his hair.

“Can you what?”

“Oh, it’s not important. You should kiss me.”

David rolled his eyes but leaned down to give Matteo a kiss, an awkward one because of the angle, and he pulled away after a minute to place the joint between Matteo’s still-parted lips and asked, “What’s not important?”

Matteo blinked up at him while he took a deep hit, and reached up to grab David’s face. He pulled him down once David got the hint, and they pressed their parted lips together so Matteo could blow the smoke slowly into his mouth. David breathed it in slowly, and then flicked his tongue against Matteo’s before he pulled away to blow it out. He smiled when Matteo made a noise and yanked him down again, but David only smiled and kissed his nose before asking, “You were going to say something.”

Matteo looked up at him and reached up to lock his fingers in David’s hair, and murmured, “Oh, was I?” before trying to tug David down again. David didn’t budge, though, and Matteo huffed and snubbed out the joint that was slowly burning in his hand. He sat up, shaking his head when he felt how fuzzy it was, and then settled in David’s lap. He wrapped his arms loosely around David’s neck and pouted.

“Why aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“I’m paying attention to you right now, babe.”

“Not the right kind of attention.”

David snorted before wrapping his arms around Matteo’s waist. He kissed Matteo’s protruding bottom lip before saying, “I just want to know what you were going to say. I like when you say things.”

Matteo blushed and looked down, moving one of his arms so his fingers could slide into the hair at the back of David’s head.

“Shut up.”

“No, really,” David widened his eyes as much as he could, and Matteo smiled a little at the effort, and then David shrugged and said, “I like your voice. You’re kind of quiet, usually, so I like it when you talk. It’s nice.”

Matteo’s cheeks darkened even more, and he bent down a little so he could kiss the corner of David’s mouth, and then his lips. 

“I was- I don’t know. There were some… things, I wanted to ask you about.”

David leaned back against the wall and raised an eyebrow, and questioned, “Things?”

“Like, um. Trans things. I did a little research, but I wanted to talk to you about some of the stuff I read.”

“What kind of research?” 

“I just… googled stuff. I watched some videos, read some articles and stuff. I didn’t want to say anything wrong.”

David smiled softly at him, and his thumb stroked down Matteo’s hip as he said, “Well, you haven’t, so you must have done some good research.”

“Well, yeah,” Matteo looked down at his lap again, “it’s important to me that I’m good about all that. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”

Matteo looked up when David didn’t say anything, and his eyes widened when they met David’s and saw that there were tears in the corners. David blinked quickly, and smiled as he leaned forward to kiss Matteo gently. 

“I really appreciate that,” David finally said after he pulled away, and cleared his throat before leaning back against the wall again and throwing his arms out to his sides, and continued, “Okay, hit me.”

Matteo smirked and raised his arm, but David was faster than him and grabbed his hand before Matteo could smack him. He pulled it to his mouth and kissed the back of it before curling their fingers together. 

“Ass.”

“You chose this.”

“Yeah I did, god knows why. But come on, what do you want to ask me?”

“Before I ask you anything, I don’t really know if it’s my place to say, but,” he scooted back in David’s lap so he could get his arm between them, and poked David in the chest as he said, “you wear your binder too long. I don’t like it.”

David laughed a little in surprise, but bit his lip before saying, “You’ve yelled at me about that already.”

“Yeah, but that was- more specific. That was about wearing it when we’re sleeping or, um, you know.”

“Fucking?”

“Yes, fucking. But you wear it too much in general. When we’re just chilling you should take it off more. If you’re comfortable with that.”

David but his lip again and glanced down, before looking up again with an almost worried look on his face. 

“Would… would you be comfortable with that? I wouldn’t want to like- like, freak you out or anything--”

“David, you aren’t going to freak me out, what the fuck? I- like, I don’t know how to say it well but I- I know what your body looks like, and I like it. Every part of it. A lot. You don’t need to worry about me.”

David turned his head to the side before looking back with a small smile, and almost whispered, “Okay, that’s good to know. What else do you want to talk about?”

Matteo shifted a little in David’s lap, thinking for a minute. He had a lot of things he wanted to ask, but didn’t want to overwhelm David so he had to choose his words carefully. 

“Um, I guess on the subject of binding, kind of,” Matteo stopped to gather his thoughts, before continuing, “so, uh. Like, I know you’re comfortable with me touching you in, um, some places.”

David cocked his head to the side when Matteo stopped, and after a few quiet moments said, “Yeah, I am. More than comfortable.”

“That’s good,” Matteo said with a blush, and then took a breath before saying, “but, what about like, your chest? I know you don’t want me to do anything when you aren’t binding, but is it different when you are? And I know we’ve, like, cuddled before when you weren’t wearing it, was that okay?”

David hummed at Matteo’s questions. He hadn’t really thought too hard about the specifics, besides not wanting Matteo to touch him there when he didn’t have his binder on. He hadn’t considered that it would probably be different for both of them when he had his binder on. 

“Well,” he started, “I guess I’d ask you to not, like… touch me there specifically, for now at least. Like if we’re cuddling and you’re lying on my chest it’s fine, or if we’re doing something and you happen to touch me there I don’t care as much. Just don’t do it on purpose, I guess?”

“Okay,” Matteo nodded, “thanks for telling me that. I’ve been worried.”

“I promise, Matteo, you haven’t done anything that’s made me uncomfortable. I would’ve told you. What else do you want to ask?”

“Um. I had a couple of questions about, like, hormones. I know you get shots, for testosterone, right?”

David nodded. There had been times when they were together where David’s reminder would go off, and he’d leave the room, coming back a little while later with a new bandaid on his thigh. Matteo never asked, but David told him one day when he noticed Matteo staring at the spot. David waited for Matteo to continue and when he didn’t he nudged him a little and prompted, “What about it?”

“Does it- does it hurt? When you do the shot? And besides the gender stuff, what does it like, do?”

“I’ve been pretty lucky, to be honest. I’ve only really had good changes. I mean, I get more headaches and I think that’s a side effect, but nothing besides that.”

“And? Does it hurt?”

David smiled at the concern in Matteo’s voice, and he tugged Matteo a little closer so he could kiss him. Matteo kissed him back for a moment before pulling away and poking David in the chest again, and whined, “Hey, stop avoiding the question!”

“I’m not avoiding it, I promise,” David said, placing his hand on Matteo’s cheek, “it’s just sweet that you care about that.”

David stroked his thumb over the pink that quickly formed on Matteo’s cheek, and smiled when Matteo smacked his hand away and said, “Yeah, okay. So?”

“Well, it doesn’t feel good. I wouldn’t say it really hurts, it’s a pretty quick pinch and I’ve been doing it for long enough that it’s easy. You can watch one day, if you want.”

“Oh,” Matteo said, and shifted a little in David’s lap. Before David could retract his offer, Matteo quickly said, “I- I really don’t like needles. But I want to see, at least once.”

“You really don’t have to--”

“No, I think it’s important. If it’s something you have to do every week I should get used to it.”

David smiled a little and Matteo saw his cheeks get a little red, and then he felt David’s hands sliding under his shirt. He bit his lip when David asked, “Planning on being around for a while, hm?”

Matteo blushed and shifted in David’s lap again, and smacked his shoulder when David laughed. With a sudden burst of confidence he put his hand on David’s shoulder, and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling as he said, “Yeah, so I want to be prepared. You got a problem with that?”

David smiled and tugged him in for a kiss that was a little too sloppy to be soft, and squeezed his hips before pulling away with a grin to say, “No, no problem at all.”

Matteo smiled back, before biting his lip. He had another question regarding testosterone, but didn’t really know how to phrase it. He didn’t even know if it was appropriate to ask, but it seemed like the weed in his system was making him a little more confident, so before he could stop himself he said, “I have a dumb question.”

“Lay it on me.”

“So, I was reading about the effects of testosterone, and, I- I saw something.”

“What did you see?”

“Does, uh,” Matteo closed his eyes before blurting it out, “does it make you more horny?”

David laughed hard before covering his mouth, but Matteo could tell by his shaking shoulders that he found Matteo’s question very funny. Matteo tried to pout but couldn’t help but smile at David’s laugh. 

“Stop laughing at me, asshole.”

David calmed down but giggled a little as he apologized, and then smirked as he said, “That’s… definitely a thing I can confirm. It’s calmed down a little since I first started, but in the beginning it was a little crazy. Very intense.”

Matteo nodded with a small smile on his face, and he looked down at his lap, trying to move his thoughts away from that topic. He knew there were more things he wanted to ask David about, and his head popped up when he remembered.

“I think I have one more thing for tonight. I might have questions later on, but there’s just one more thing I want to know for now.”

“Hm?” David hummed as he, to Matteo’s surprise, reached over and grabbed the joint from the ashtray it was resting in, and the lighter next to it. Matteo watched as he put the joint in his mouth and lit the other end, and sucked in a bit before blowing the smoke out of his nose. He hadn’t realized he was staring, but David had, and he tilted his head to the side with a smile as he offered Matteo the joint and said, “What do you want to know?”

Matteo took the joint and took a hit, David’s eyes on him the whole time. Once he had blown the smoke out of the side of his mouth and David’s eyes had gotten a little darker, he , “Is there anything you don’t want me to call you?”

David raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to the other side, taking the joint out of Matteo’s hand. 

“So like,” Matteo started, and then paused for a minute to think about how to phrase it, before blushing and continuing, “you like, call me stuff. Words that are usually used for girls, like pretty and stuff like that.”

David smiled at him and righted his head, his eyelids drooping a little as he squeezed Matteo’s hips again and said, “Well, that’s because you are pretty.”

Matteo flushed red and punched David lightly in the arm with a giggle as he chided, “Stop flirting, I’m trying to have an important conversation!”

“You don’t think me calling you pretty is important? I think it’s very important.”

“David, shut the fuck up. Seriously, would words like that be bad?”

David grabbed the burning joint out of his hands and puffed on it, thinking for a moment before he shrugged and said, “I think I’m okay with them. I don’t know if I’ve ever been called that as a boy before, but I don’t know, boys can be pretty,” David took the joint out of his mouth and nudged it at Matteo, who parted his lips so David could put it between them, and he continued with another smirk, “you’re a prime example of that.”

Matteo rolled his eyes and took a hit, but looked right into David’s eyes again as he said, “You are, too. You’re pretty.”

David bit his lip and his cheeks got dark, and Matteo’s smile grew as David’s eyes got darker as well. It was such a nice sight that Matteo sat up a little and handed the joint back to David before wrapping his arms around his neck again, and asserting, “It’s true! You’re pretty, and now that you said I can say it I’m gonna say it all the time.”

David took one last, deep hit before snubbing the joint out and pulling Matteo in by his cheeks, and Matteo parted his lips when they met David’s. He felt the smoke flowing into his mouth and he sucked it in as David’s tongue licked at his lower lip, and he blew the smoke out of his nose before shifting closer in David’s lap.

He whimpered a little as David licked into his mouth, and felt his hands slide around to cup Matteo’s ass. They made out for a few minutes before David pulled away suddenly and flipped Matteo onto his back. Matteo stared up at David as he grinned down at him, and bent his head to kiss him once more.

“Okay, we’re officially done with questions for the night.”

[angrylizardjacket]

avoiding the winter sky

A/N: 1374 words. it’s me, back again with a All The Queen’s Men ‘verse mini fic that makes me feel that Riz Ahmed ‘im sad’ picture. anyways..... im sad.

[And All The Queen’s Men ‘verse Masterpost]

September, 1991.

“Mornin’ ‘Zelle.” Jim opens the door for her, giving her a smile and a hug in greeting, she’s got a stack of paperwork in one hand and tupperware contained full of cookies in the other, and she offered him one.

“Rog and Lilith made them yesterday, they’re good, though the kitchen may never recover.” The cookies are chocolate chip, and he takes one with a quiet laugh and thanks, leading her through the house to where she could hear the sizzle of something cooking, and Freddie humming cheerfully. “He sounds bright.”

“Yeah, he’s very cheery today; always looks forward to seeing you.” There’s a smile in Jim’s words that Gizelle can hear without even seeing his face, and when they enter the kitchen, Freddie’s positively beaming at them.

“I think we should go on vacation.” He says, in lieu of a greeting, sitting at the kitchen table chopping onions, his eyes watering just a little. Giselle laughs lightly, swanning over to him to press a kiss to his cheek and put her papers on the table.

“And what makes you say that?” She asks, and he resumes his work as she put her folder down on the table. It’s tradition, they have lunch together on Thursdays, Giselle brings some of her cases with her to look over, or sometimes they watch a movie or play board games, but usually they just end up talking, about everything and nothing, distracting themselves from how tired Freddie is, and the marks that keep appearing on his skin.

“I want to go somewhere warm, everything’s so dreary around here.” And he wasn’t wrong; even though it was only the start of Autumn, the sky was grey more often than it was blue nowadays. “I want an adventure, I miss our adventures.” Once he was finished with the onions, he passed them off to Jim, who was quietly cooking over by the stove, smiling to himself.

“We could go on a pub crawl; see all the bands London has to offer in one night like we used to.” Giselle offers, something in her chest tightening as Freddie’s expression brightens.

“Oh yes, I love a good chance to dress up in disguise.” His eyes shine with amusement at the idea, reminiscing fondly about their old haunt at the edge of town where they used to head when they wanted to remember their roots.

“I could wear a wig and put on a fake nose!” Giselle grinned, getting up and moving around the kitchen with practiced ease, pouring all three of them a glass of orange juice.

“So could I!” Freddie enthused, his smile only brightening as Jim chuckled.

“I think you should both invest in a bright pink bob, very subtle.” He added, thanking Giselle again as she pulled out three plates, smiling at his husband’s obvious delight at the suggestion.

“Oh, we should tour together again! A reunion tour, a new and beautifully bright wig every night!” And Freddie leaned back in his chair, watching with an endearing smile as two of his favourite people finished plating up lunch. The serenity only lasted a minute before he was overcome with a violent coughing fit, and Giselle was by his side as Jim fetched him a glass of water. “Perhaps a tour isn’t for me right now.” He mused, a small, self-deprecating smile on his face as he accepted the drink and hummed with contentment when Jim kissed the top of his head, before heading back to the kitchen.

“What if I go on tour, and you come along as my main backup dancer who sings when he’s not coughing his lungs up?” Giselle offered, and there was something grateful in Freddie’s gaze that she tried not to dwell on.

“And if I do start coughing my lungs up on stage?” He asks with a raised eyebrow, Giselle waves him off.

“It’s interpretive dance; kids these days love that sort of stuff.” She half laughed, and Freddie chuckled.

“Touring’s such hard work though, darling, I don’t want to be dragging dear Jim halfway across America.” He mused, gaze sliding to fix the man in question with a fond smile, which, when he looked up from pushing eggs onto the final plate, Jim returned in kind.

“You think you’ll be dragging me along? Dear, I’ll be right there beside you, whether you like it or not.” He informed them, matter-of-factly, bringing two plates over to the table, before getting the third, all three plates stacked with neatly arranged eggs, bacon, sausages, and cooked onions, along with a slice of toast.

“Well lucky for you, I love it.” Freddie grinned at him, tucking into brunch with Giselle and Jim on either side of him doing the same. “But it is work, touring, I don’t think I have it in me, can’t we just go somewhere nice and warm? I’d love to lie on the beach somewhere.” He mused, and Giselle grinned.

“And which beach would you prefer?” She asked, as if she were already making plans, taking a large bite of her egg on toast.

“Oh, you two pick, I could never decide, I’ve seen too many beautiful beaches to have a favourite.” Freddie grinned, and they sank into silence, all contemplative.

“I haven’t seen nearly as many beaches as you two have.” Jim said, quietly, though he didn’t seem unhappy about it, just thoughtful. Without hesitation, he reaches out, taking Jim’s hand across the table.

“Then we don’t have to pick, we’ll see them all.” Freddie announced firmly, giving Jim’s hand a squeeze.

“All of them?” Giselle asks, eyebrows raised, and Freddie turns back to her with a bright and toothy smile.

“All of best, all over the world; we’ll start with Australia, right after Christmas I’ll fly us there, a holiday present! We can bask in the sun while it’s snowing here in dreary England, how does that sound?” He’s lost in his own world, eyes glazed over as he sits on the edge of his seat, food all but forgotten in front of him; he can see the scene before him, can practically feel the sun on his skin.

“Sounds lovely, Freds.” Giselle said, quiet and kind. “I think we could all use a holiday from this city.” She agreed. “We could visit some friends, oh,” eyes lighting up, Giselle reached out to take Freddie’s other hand, “I know it’s not a beach, but Jim has to see Venice, we could visit in the middle months where no-where’s really right for beaches, we could visit Elton’s little place up there.”

“That does sound pretty nice.” Jim agreed. “I mean, a world tour without the actual tour bit? I think I could handle that; what do you think, Freddie?” And finally, hearing Jim’s voice, Freddie feels his fantasy slipping away, and all he can do is smile.

“Sounds perfectly wonderful, exactly what we need.” And there’s almost a dreamlike quality to his voice, which vanishes once he spots his food going cold before him. “We should eat up, I wouldn’t want to let your cooking go to waste.” And he smiles at Jim, taking back his hands from his companions to keep eating, but Giselle just smiles softly at him.

“I’d follow you to the ends of the Earth if you asked me to.” She tells him, surprisingly serious, and when Freddie looks at her, there’s something a little sad in his eyes as he gives her a fond smile.

“I know, Gizelle.” 

Neither one can bring themselves to say it, but they never get past the planning stages. Their time together over the following months is spent poring over travel magazines, Giselle fills a binder with tourist traps they’re determined to see, and picturesque sunset shots they’re determined to recapture, and she pretends it doesn’t hurt her heart when Freddie’s expression fall and he has to outright skip all the pages with actual booking information.

They plan and they fantasize about cocktails at sunset, and when Freddie’s gone, Gizelle puts the folder in the back of her closet, and can’t bring herself to open it again.

[yourlocalbiboy]

Binding with medical tape

I will be writing long posts because i want to cover everything I’ve experienced accurately.

I have binded with tape twice, using two different tapes, I will make a follow up post to cover my other experience. It got to summer and i really wanted to wear tank tops without showing my binder, as well as swim topless. I saw cosplayers doing open chest binding and it looked incredible to me as i have major chest dysphoria, so i looked into it, and asked mom to get me some tape. I originally asked for the Official Transtape because .. thats what it was made for. She replied its too expensive and opted to get me some regular old medical tape and bandages.

I do not recommend using medical tape, or at least the clear type like i had. It didnt stick and it looked really bad. Plus i had to use A LOT, nearly a whole roll. (For reference am a C to D cup last time I checked)

I followed youtube tutorials and taped up all the stuff on my chest (do not pull tape past your armpit, it will restrict your breathing!) and ended up with a semi flat chest, it didnt look pretty and it wasnt really comfortable but putting on a tank top for the first time and seeing nothing when you look down is INCREDIBLE.

I only wore the medical tape for about 4-5 hours. I used oil to remove the tape and did it slowly while in the shower. I cant recommend this for anyone who has a larger chest or wants a visually appealing chest.

Complaints about this: It hurt to take off, like a lot. I used a lot of oil and didnt do it as slowly as i shouldve but once it was off, my chest was speckled with red marks and bumps. I had some areas with full outlines of the tape that was there, it itched a bit but after about a day of putting lotion on it, the major marks went away. I had red marks scattered on my chest for about 4 days after however, not painful but definitely there. One thing that seems obvious in hindsight but did suprise me, i got a lot new stretch marks. I didnt have many before, only like 1-2, but after binding with the tape, i noticed a few more had appeared and they were much more visible; just something to mention.

Pros: it felt amazing. I could bind without worry. I have breathing issues so binding with my normal binder is a trade off with being comfortable in my skin or being comfortable with my air intake (i have the correct size binder and it is stretched out slightly, i just have legitimate breathing issues.) (Even if you have great lungs, NEVER BIND WITH A BINDER THAT IS TOO SMALL) Another pro, it was inexpensive and seems like a great option for people with very small chests.

Overall, if you are on a budget and have a small chest (small B or smaller) this seems like a decent option, i cannot tell you the health effects because i am not educated on the matter but these are my personal experiences. I wish you all luck in your transitions.

[epic-games-official]

Hello I was looking into Dr.jacobs for minimal scar surgery. Would you recommend him?

Putting under a cut cuz it’s kinda long

tl;dr I’m 3 days post op so I’m still kind of coping with recovery. I want to include the experience so you’re more prepared. This is the least invasive top surgery technique I know of but, surgery is still surgery, and it’s going to be something to overcome. In the end everything heals and works out well though. I would definitely recommend him, he’s very professional and does a great job. There’s no consultation fee so it doesn’t hurt to send him pics and ask if you qualify for minimal scarring.

Yes, I would. This surgery is less invasive and less painful than most other forms of top surgery. In fact, I think it may actually be the least invasive one. He’s the one who invented it, and the only other person I know who does it is Dr. Robinson who is near Cincinnati. 

My only complaint is a fairly mild criticism of confusion why he was saying certain homeopathic remedies may help. Iunno if maybe he just had patients in the past who believed in homeopathy & didn’t wanna argue with then, or maybe figured even a placebo effect is still an effect. I guess in his defense Arnica gels yield mixed clinical results. I’m still pretty doubtful they do anything though lol

Since he’s a cosmetic surgeon, he doesn’t cooperate with insurance companies, but he will request a reimbursement for you after you pay out of pocket (tbh I’m not optimistic my insurance company will go for it). It was $9500 with a 50% payment when I scheduled a date and the next 50% the day before surgery. 

His office staff are really nice. Because his office is in New York, you get to deal with the city, which is either really fun and great or really miserable depending on how you feel about NYC lol Prepare for traffic and tailgating though, that’s just how NY is. Also be careful of scam artists in NY, honestly you’d be lucky if you spent an hour walking or driving around that city without somebody trying to scam you. 

I’ve never had surgery before and I think I’m learning now I’m not good at dealing with it, so despite the noninvasiveness it’s still pretty difficult. There’s still the issue that the result immediately after is going to be gory and awful compared to how it looks after months of recovery. Right now my peri incisions still have dried blood all over them, my nipples are a gruesome dark purple, and I can’t really feel my chest and won’t be able to for months. I have to wear a tight binder for 6 weeks to decrease swelling which makes sleeping uncomfortable and breathing sometimes feels like I’m battling against the binder. And here I got top surgery so I wouldn’t need a binder. :Y 

The anesthesia gave me some side effects about 2 hours after surgery so my teeth were jittering and I was convulsing for like 5-10 minutes, thankfully that went away quickly and never came back, and I was prescribed Tylenol with codeine for pain (although he tells you to try Tylenol without it first but I misunderstood him and just went straight to the codeine one) so now I have constipation from codeine :’) I quit the painkillers day 3 post op cause I don’t need them so hopefully that goes away. I was prescribed antibiotics and anti nausea meds as well, the anti nausea ones taken right before surgery, and the antibiotics taken right before and then continued every 12 hours for a few days. I was able to eat about 3 hours after surgery with no problem. That’s all just the nature of getting surgery, I guess. YMMV though. 

This surgery still beats DI by a lot. The periareolar scars tend to heal about the same color as the areola so they’re hard to notice, and the ones under the armpit are so small you hardly can notice them as well. They’re just tiny pink dots. I didn’t need drains. I was able to walk pretty decently within an hour after surgery and never needing anything like help using the restroom or climbing up and down stairs. The day after surgery I could go out and do some light things, like a short walk in the park or seeing a movie (he encourages you to do this and not be unnecessarily housebound). The first two days changing position (sitting down, laying down, standing up, etc.) was somewhat painful but it’s not too bad right now. 

My advice would be to also contact people who’ve gotten minimal scarring with other surgeons to compare. I didn’t qualify for periareolar but I did qualify for minimal scarring with my breast size. If you’re smaller and also qualify for peri then look into that too.

Btw, if you haven’t seen it, another tumblr user has posted his results with this surgeon here: https://cantrecallgettinghere.tumblr.com/post/144517964039/i-cant-believe-im-writing-this-but-i-had-top

Jsyk I was a solid B cup pre op, didn’t smoke, am 22, 6 months on T, about average BMI. I qualified fine for the procedure and had very good results (skin tight against my chest, areolae naturally shrank with the skin tightening, almost no bruising and fairly quick healing).

I did take a pic of my own results but I don’t really want to post a picture cause it’s only 2 days post op so it doesn’t look that great yet (still a lot of swelling and bandages over the nipples) and I’ve seen bad immediately post-op pics reposted by transphobes so er. I mean it’s not *that* horrible, not even any bruising, but I’d rather not risk the possibility of giving anyone fodder. It looks about the same as that other guy’s anyway.