#and recently I’ve been going back to the archived blog and realizing how many good fics I left there

[paper-star-ships]

I should make a master list of my fics 💀

[quokkacore]

eventual [rest]

hi guys. i’m sorry for never coming through with updates, but i’m kind of going through it at the moment.

ignoring the things going on in my personal life… i’m tired. i chose tumblr as my fanfic platform because of the community and how much i enjoyed being able to interact with others. it’s just not the same. recently there’s been a small influx of feedback (for which i’m extreme grateful and will be responding to soon!!!) but it’s just. maybe i’m asking for too much but it feels like too little too late. its so upsetting seeing “xyz has reblogged x post” and clicking on it, and AS ITS LOADING telling myself “don’t get your hopes up it’s probably empty”.

i deserve better. writers deserve better. i’m doing this for free and for fun and i get so little in return when i could be working or doing my homework and actually working towards my degree. not to brag, but i KNOW i’m at the very least, a decent writer. i’ve started setting my sights on traditional publishing despite how difficult it is to break through because i feel like i’m good at what i love doing. but i don’t want to do it on tumblr anymore. i don’t feel the drive to.

if you’d like to read about some of my other reasons, it’s below the cut, but a lot of it is me discussing triggering topics—pls be careful.

if you don’t feel like reading below the cut for my reasoning as to why i’m going to eventually stop posting, here’s what i want everyone to know:

i’m going to TRY to finish king & lionheart, with great power and the punisher anthology, because i love these stories so, so much. the updates will come when they come—i’m not changing my updates page, but i’ll at least try to give a few days heads up that they’re coming.

once i’m done with these fics, i don’t think i’ll write anything else on this blog. maybe, maybe not—i think it depends. i’m just all out of steam.

this blog will remain up mainly an archive, mostly because i know how upsetting it is to want to reread a fic and finding out the author deactivating. i’ll delete some posts, and if i post anything, it’ll be feedback for nsfw fics or answering certain asks. who knows, maybe i’ll drop something here and there.

i’ll eventually be going through my follower list and removing any ageless blogs or blogs who i know are minors on this main blog, something i should have done a long long time ago.

finally, i’ll be setting up an nsfw free side blog and using that as my “main” if you guys would like to keep contact with me. this isn’t just gonna be kpop but my other interests as well (but mostly kpop). i’ll also be posting sfw fic recs there. the blog is @threesrachas if any of y’all are interested!!

other than that, thank you so much to my mutuals and the ppl who made my time on tumblr so much fun. i loved getting to know and work with so many of you, you’re all amazingly talented, kind and funny people. thank you for being my escape from real life, i love you all so much for that.

tw: intense homesickness + generally bad mental health + self harm + hypersexuality

as some of you might know, i moved continents to study abroad last year. that’s a big part of what’s impacting me—i’m away from my main support system, i’m worried about issues within my family, as much as i want to deny it i feel like i’m losing my friends back home, i have to be financially independent and rely on myself to pay for things like tuition, groceries, health insurance, etc etc. it’s caused me so much stress and i feel like i’m being pulled in a MILLION different directions.

i kind of… don’t feel like myself. i wouldn’t call it disassociation because from the reading i’ve done my situation isn’t as severe. but i just feel so lost and disconnected from everyone around me. i feel like i’m unsure of where i want to go and how to move forward with things i know i need to do, but i don’t know how to bring myself to go through with them even though it’ll only be detrimental to me in the future.

i’m also realizing that my hypersexuality is becoming more and more of an issue as i go onward. and with this, i’m giving everyone a warning—i’ve been in the tumblr/ao3/wattpad fanfiction space since i was 12, and only at 21 am i beginning to realize just how detrimental that was for me. consuming so much nsfw content as a minor caused me to normalize and glorify certain sexual behaviors in an unhealthy way, and recently i’ve stumbled across more violent sexual content and the way that my brain has fixated on it terrifies me. i probably need to speak to someone about it.

as a result of these things, i’ve started self-harming again after being clean for like,, 5 years, and i hate myself so much for it. i thought i was finally better and i could finally put it behind me, but apparently not.

i just need more time for myself. my free time feels consumed because i get anxious for not writing, and i hate it. i need to take better care of myself and that’s not going to happen if i down scale back on my wips and unfinished fics. i want to get better. i miss being better, so so much.

tagging my mutuals: @doderyscoffee @iwishihadabettername @thegoodthebadandtheempty @always-wishing-for-rain @lix-ables @multifcndoms @lixesque @jl-micasea-fics @christallise @lixtokki @the7thcrow @sweetlemontart @heartcravings @itsapapisongo @lotus-dly @cherrydumpling @ohmysparkle @aliceu @milfgyuu @ncteaxhoe @moonctzeny @illicitfuck @lixhues @spilledtee @just-come-baek @feelsaesthetic @minthoodie @justhereinmydarkcorner @seulgiswhoreee @jeongvision @heejinnien @softcrescendo @sleepylixie @jenoentry @jaehyyns @chanluster @missskzbiased @smileyjaeminies @ynvngwolff @lamaiejeno @wonjaekook @moonbeamsung @puppywritings @danishmiilk @saturnznct @nightshade-minho @ncweab @ichigofelix @whosjunglejim4322 @nyctophilin and i’ll be tagging the rest soon </3

[writingwithcolor]

What Does Our "Motivations” PSA Mean?

@luminalalumini said:

I've been on your blog a lot and it has a lot of really insightful information, but I notice a theme with some of your answers where you ask the writer reaching out what their 'motivation for making a character a certain [race/religion/ethnicity/nationality] is' and it's discouraging to see, because it seems like you're automatically assigning the writer some sort of ulterior motive that must be sniffed out and identified before the writer can get any tips or guidance for their question. Can't the 'motive' simply be having/wanting to have diversity in one's work? Must there be an 'ulterior motive'? I can understand that there's a lot of stigma and stereotypes and bad influence that might lead to someone trynna add marginalized groups into their stories for wrong reasons, but people that have those bad intentions certainly won't be asking for advice on how to write good representation in the first place. Idk its just been something that seemed really discouraging to me to reach out myself, knowing i'll automatically be assigned ulterior motives that i don't have and will probably have to justify why i want to add diversity to my story as if i'm comitting some sort of crime. I don't expect you guys to change your blog or respond to this or even care all that much, I'm probably just ranting into a void. I'm just curious if theres any reason to this that I haven't realized exists I suppose. I don't want y'all to take this the wrong way because I do actually love and enjoy your blog's advice in spite of my dumb griping. Cheers :))

We assume this is in reference to the following PSA:

PSA to all of our users - Motivation Matters: This lack of clarity w/r to intent has been a general issue with many recent questions. Please remember that if you don’t explain your motivations and what you intend to communicate to your audience with your plot choices, character attributes, world-building etc., we cannot effectively advise you beyond the information you provide. We Are Not Mind Readers. If, when drafting these questions, you realize you can’t explain your motivations, that is likely a hint that you need to think more on the rationales for your narrative decisions. My recommendation is to read our archives and articles on similar topics for inspiration while you think. I will be attaching this PSA to all asks with similar issues until the volume of such questions declines. 

We have answered this in three parts.

1. Of Paved Roads and Good Intentions

Allow me to give you a personal story, in solidarity towards your feelings:

When I began writing in South Asia as an outsider, specifically in the Kashmir and Lahore areas, I was doing it out of respect for the cultures I had grown up around. I did kathak dance, I grew up on immigrant-cooked North Indian food, my babysitters were Indian. I loved Mughal society, and every detail of learning about it just made me want more. The minute you told me fantasy could be outside of Europe, I hopped into the Mughal world with two feet. I was 13. I am now 28.

And had you asked me, as a teenager, what my motives were in giving my characters’ love interests blue or green eyes, one of them blond hair, my MC having red-tinted brown hair that was very emphasized, and a whole bunch of paler skinned people, I would have told you my motives were “to represent the diversity of the region.” 

I’m sure readers of the blog will spot the really, really toxic and colourist tropes present in my choices. If you’re new here, then the summary is: giving brown people “unique” coloured eyes and hair that lines up with Eurocentric beauty standards is an orientalist trope that needs to be interrogated in your writing. And favouring pale skinned people is colourist, full stop.

Did that make me a bad person with super sneaky ulterior motives who wanted to write bad representation? No.

It made me an ignorant kid from the mostly-white suburbs who grew up with media that said brown people had to “look unique” (read: look as European as possible) to be considered valuable.

And this is where it is important to remember that motives can be pure as you want, but you were still taught all of the terrible stuff that is present in society. Which means you’re going to perpetuate it unless you stop and actually question what is under your conscious motive, and work to unlearn it. Work that will never be complete.

I know it sounds scary and judgemental (and it’s one of the reasons we allow people to ask to be anonymous, for people who are afraid). Honestly, I would’ve reacted much the same as a younger writer, had you told me I was perpetuating bad things. I was trying to do good and my motives were pure, after all! But after a few years, I realized that I had fallen short, and I had a lot more to learn in order for my motives to match my impact. Part of our job at WWC is to attempt to close that gap.

We aren’t giving judgement, when we ask questions about why you want to do certain things. We are asking you to look at the structural underpinnings of your mind and question why those traits felt natural together, and, more specifically, why those traits felt natural to give to a protagonist or other major character.

I still have blond, blue-eyed characters with sandy coloured skin. I still have green-eyed characters. Because teenage me was right, that is part of the region. But by interrogating my motive, I was able to devalue those traits within the narrative, and I stopped making those traits shorthand for “this is the person you should root for.” 

It opened up room for me to be messier with my characters of colour, even the ones who my teenage self would have deemed “extra special.” Because the European-associated traits (pale hair, not-brown-eyes) stopped being special. After years of questioning, they started lining up with my motive of just being part of the diversity of the region.

Motive is important, both in the conscious and the subconscious. It’s not a judgement and it’s not assumed to be evil. It’s simply assumed to be unquestioned, so we ask that you question it and really examine your own biases.

~Mod Lesya

2. Motivations Aren't Always "Ulterior"

You can have a positive motivation or a neutral one or a negative one. Just wanting to have diversity only means your characters aren't all white and straight and cis and able-bodied -- it doesn't explain why you decided to make this specific character specifically bi and specifically Jewish (it me). Yes, sometimes it might be completely random! But it also might be "well, my crush is Costa Rican, so I gave the love interest the same background", or "I set it in X City where the predominant marginalized ethnicity is Y, so they are Y". Neither of these count as ulterior motives. But let's say for a second that you did accidentally catch yourself doing an "ulterior." Isn't that the point of the blog, to help you find those spots and clean them up?

Try thinking of it as “finding things that need adjusting” rather than “things that are bad” and it might get less scary to realize that we all do them, subconsciously. Representation that could use some work is often the product of subconscious bias, not deliberate misrepresentation, so there's every possibility that someone who wants to improve and do better didn't do it perfectly the first time. 

--Shira

3. Dress-Making as a Metaphor

I want to echo Lesya’s sentiments here but also provide a more logistical perspective. If you check the rubber stamp guide here and the “Motivation matters” PSA above, you’ll notice that concerns with respect to asker motivation are for the purposes of providing the most relevant answer possible.

It is a lot like if someone walks into a dressmaker’s shop and asks for a blue dress/ suit (Back when getting custom-made clothes was more of a thing) . The seamstress/ tailor is likely to ask a wide variety of questions:

What material do you want the outfit to be made of?

Where do you plan to wear it?

What do you want to highlight?

How do you want to feel when you wear it?

Let’s say our theoretical customer is in England during the 1920s. A tartan walking dress/ flannel suit for the winter is not the same as a periwinkle, beaded, organza ensemble/ navy pinstripe for formal dress in the summer. When we ask for motivations, we are often asking for exactly that: the specific reasons for your inquiry so we may pinpoint the most pertinent information.

The consistent problem for many of the askers who receive the PSA is they haven’t even done the level of research necessary to know what they want to ask of us. It would be like if our English customer in the 1920s responded, “IDK, some kind of blue thing.” Even worse,  WWC doesn’t have the luxury of the back-and-forth between a dressmaker and their clientele. If our asker doesn’t communicate all the information they need in mind at the time of submission, we can only say, “Well, I’m not sure if this is right, but here’s something. I hope it works, but if you had told us more, we could have done a more thorough job.”

Answering questions without context is hard, and asking for motivations, by which I mean the narratives, themes, character arcs and other literary devices that you are looking to incorporate, is the best way for us to help you, while also helping you to determine if your understanding of the problem will benefit from outside input. Because these asks are published with the goal of helping individuals with similar questions, the PSA also serves to prompt other users.

I note that asking questions is a skill, and we all start by asking the most basic questions (Not stupid questions, because to quote a dear professor, “There are no stupid questions.”). Unfortunately, WWC is not suited for the most basic questions. To this effect, we have a very helpful FAQ and archive as a starting point. Once you have used our website to answer the more basic questions, you are more ready to approach writing with diversity and decide when we can actually be of service. This is why we are so adamant that people read the FAQ. Yes, it helps us, but it also is there to save you time and spare you the ambiguity of not even knowing where to start.

The anxiety in your ask conveys to me a fear of being judged for asking questions. That fear is not something we can help you with, other than to wholeheartedly reassure you that we do not spend our unpaid, free time answering these questions in order to assume motives we can’t confirm or sit in judgment of our users who, as you say, are just trying to do better.

Yes, I am often frustrated when an asker’s question makes it clear they haven’t read the FAQ or archives. I’ve also been upset when uncivil commenters have indicated that my efforts and contributions are not worth their consideration. However, even the most tactless question has never made me think, “Ooh this person is such a naughty racist. Let me laugh at them for being a naughty racist. Let me shame them for being a naughty racist. Mwahaha.”

What kind of sad person has time for that?*

Racism is structural. It takes time to unlearn, especially if you’re in an environment that doesn’t facilitate that process to begin with. Our first priority is to help while also preserving our own boundaries and well-being. Though I am well aware of the levels of toxic gas-lighting and virtue signaling that can be found in various corners of online writing communities in the name of “progressivism*”, WWC is not that kind of space. This space is for discussions held in good faith: for us to understand each other better, rather than for one of us to “win” and another to “lose.”

Just as we have good faith that you are doing your best, we ask that you have faith that we are trying to do our best by you and the BIPOC communities we represent.

- Marika.

*If you are in any writing or social media circles that feed these anxieties or demonstrate these behaviors, I advise you to curtail your time with them and focus on your own growth. You will find, over time, that it is easier to think clearly when you are worrying less about trying to appease people who set the bar of approval so high just for the enjoyment of watching you jump. “Internet hygiene”, as I like to call it, begins with you and the boundaries you set with those you interact with online.

[snarktheater]

Ready Player Two — Opening Cutscene & Chapter 0

Hello again.

It’s been a while. I haven’t been active on this blog since, fittingly enough, Ready Player One. I was going to do this sooner—even had an alarm set up and everything—but then, it turns out, I’m feeling so much negativity about the world in general that a book just pales in comparison.

Seriously, I had to scrap this post’s entire intro because it’s not even 2020 anymore as I write this. And you know, maybe that’s for the best. I’m not really in the mood for doom and gloom and bitching anymore. I uninstalled Twitter from my phone a while back, I’ve been doing good at my daily writing sprints, my biggest fanfic project concluded on a positive note from people I didn’t even realize had been following it for years.

So I don’t know what this is going to be like. My commentary, I mean; I’ve heard echoes of what the book is like, so I’m not expecting a surprise there.

The book opens right after the end of Ready Player One, in a “Cutscene” where Wade recounts to us what happened after he won Halliday’s contest. It also assumes you remember exactly who the main characters of the book are, which is a bold move for a sequel that came out almost a decade after the original.

Technically, I could just look up the details I’m fuzzy about. But also, I think it’s more authentic if I don’t. I trust my memory enough that if I’m wrong, it’ll be in subtle enough ways that it’ll almost be a private jokes between all of us. An “if you know, you know” sort of error system. And I don’t think there’s anything more true to the spirit of this book than that.

Shoto had flown back home to Japan to take over operations at GSS’s Hokkaido division.

So Wade starts his tenure with nepotism. Wasn’t Shoto really young? Why is he qualified to run anything?

Aech was enjoying an extended vacation in Senegal, a country she’d dreamed of visiting her whole life, because her ancestors had come from there.

You know what, I’m not touching “send the token black character back to Africa.” This isn’t my lane.

And Samantha had flown back to Vancouver to pack up her belongings and say goodbye to her grandmother, Evelyn.

Why is she saying goodbye? Why, she’s moving to Columbus to be with Wade, of course! It’s not like there was anything else in her life. Was there? And why isn’t she referred to as Art3mis? I’m pretty sure Wade found out all of their offline names in the last book, and the inconsistency mildly bothers me.

These three sentences are back to back, by the way. Someone—I forget who—once described Ready Player One as a book that’s fun to write a wiki about, because it’s got fun concepts to summarize about until you realize that all the emotional connective tissue you need to turn a list of things into a story is missing, and that’s roughly how this first page feels.

Hell, the first line of the book is Wade telling us he remained offline for nine whole days after winning the contest, but by the end of the second paragraph we’re already to him logging back into the OASIS to "distract himself from [his and Samantha’s] reunion.

I’ll give Ernest Cline one thing: it feels like he wrote this opening nine days after the first book and did about as much maturing as a teenage boy would do between the two books.

Way more time is spent describing Wade’s OASIS rig, or the in-game planet where the climax of the last book happened, than anything else in this introduction. He is immediately greeted by a crowd of adoring fans who have been waiting over a week for him to come back in the game, because they’re all grateful that our protagonist and his friends restored their avatars after they were annihilated by the Sixers.

You’d think the adoring fans would serve some kind of purpose, or that something would happen, but no. Wade immediately goes “ew, people” and teleports away, since he essentially has ultimate powers within the game. With a caveat: the powers are actually coming from the Robes of Anorak he’s wearing, and I’m mentioning that in the hopes that it will pay off sometime in the book’s future, assuming Cline at least learned to do that. But still, let’s not skip too fast the fact that we introduced that crowd of adoring fans for no other purpose than to tell us they’re out there, because it fits right in with the last book’s attempts at saying as little as humanly possible in as many words as possible.

Anyway, Wade went back into Anorak’s study, where he arbitrarily checks out the Easter Egg he got at the end of the last book, and finds an inscription on it. I was dreading another riddle, but no, it’s just straight-up instructions to a vault in the GSS archives, so Wade logs off and goes to check it out.

Of course Halliday had put [the archives] [on the 13th floor]. In one of his favorite TV shows, Max Headroom, Network 23’s hidden research-and-development lab was located on the thirteenth floor. And The Thirteenth Floor was also the title of an old sci-fi film about virtual reality, released in 1999, right on the heels of both The Matrix and eXistenZ.

I’m equally shocked that it took two whole pages (on my ereader) to get to the first slew of references, and that one of these references is from 1999. I didn’t know we were allowed to think of anything that isn’t the 80s. Speaking of which, I’ll spare you the whole paragraph, but the book does feel the need to explain why it’s vault 42.

Inside the vault, there’s another egg containing a super-fancy and advanced OASIS headset. The egg also has a video monitor that plays a video message from James Halliday shortly before his death.

But despite his condition, he hadn’t used his OASIS avatar to record this message like he had with Anorak’s Invitation. For some reason, he’d chosen to appear in the flesh this time, under the brutal, unforgiving light of reality.

That oh-so-important message? An infodump about the headset’s working. He called it an OASIS Neural Interface, ONI for short. It basically lets you experience the OASIS through all your senses with sensory input just like the real thing, you know, that thing Wade had to get a fancy suit and massive rig to do in the first book. And yes, Wade does spend a paragraph or two comparing it to other works of science fiction. Of course he does.

More importantly, it also records all the sensory input into a separate file, which can then be replayed over to re-experience said sensations, or live someone else’s experiences. Halliday tries to frame it as a tool to generate communication and empathy, seemingly all without acknowledging the potential creepiness of that. But hey. Who knows. Maybe that’s because this is the setup stage, and it’ll pay off eventually.

I also wondered about the name Halliday had chosen for his invention. I’d seen enough anime to know that oni was also a Japanese word for a giant horned demon from the pits of hell.

Add “reducing Japan to anime” to the list of things the book has failed to improve upon. By the way, the narration insisted on spelling out ONI letter by letter earlier, so it’s weird to make that link now. It’s also just kind of inelegant to just tell us “this is the symbolism behind the name”, but that’s just the sort of thing I’ve come to expect from this book.

Anyway, the reason Halliday kept this for his successor to find is he wants Wade to test out the technology and decide if humanity is ready for it. Why Halliday thinks the most glorified pop culture trivia / video game competition qualifies you for such a decision should be a problem, but sadly, a lot of billionaires have said and done a lot of dumb and eerily similar things in the past few years since I read Ready Player One, so actually, I can’t fault the book for that one. Tragically, our fates really are in the hands of people who should rightfully be cartoon villains.

To his credit, Wade does question Halliday’s motives in keeping this under wraps at all rather than releasing it himself. So hey, maybe it really is setting something up.

Wade goes back to his office with the ONI, and we’re treated with this lovely piece of narration:

I was grateful that Samantha wasn’t there. I didn’t want to give her the opportunity to talk me out of testing the ONI. Because I was worried she might try to, and if she did, she would’ve succeeded. (I’d recently discovered that when you’re madly in love with someone they can persuade you to do pretty much anything.)

There’s a lot to unpack about the implications this has for their relationship, but it’s way too early in the book for me to editorialize when one character hasn’t even been on the page yet. So I’ll just leave it here for the record. Hopefully you see the problem without me needing to point it out anyway. If not, feel free to hit my inbox.

So Wade, confident in the fact that Halliday would have warned him if there were any risks to using the ONI, decides to try it out. Even though he immediately follows up that statement with this:

According to the ONI documentation, forcibly removing the headset while it was in operation could severely damage the wearer’s brain and/or leave them in a permanent coma. So the titanium-reinforced safety bands made certain this couldn’t happen. I found this little detail comforting instead of unsettling. Riding in an automobile was risky, too, if you didn’t wear your seatbelt…

Wade. My dude. What the fuck is this simile. And why don’t you see that maybe a machine where you’re forcibly trapping yourself inside a virtual reality might be dangerous? Hell, when I said this was setting something up, I was expecting something vaguely interesting about the potential breach of privacy, or how you don’t need to literally walk in someone’s shoes to feel empathy for them, or anything substantial, but now I’m worried it’ll just end up as “man, sometimes science fiction machines will scramble your brain, isn’t that weird”?

Like, I don’t know, to me “it will put you in a coma” sounds like a good reason for Halliday not to release the ONI. Maybe we can still make it into a commentary on how corporations will sell stuff they know is directly harmful if it can make them a profit. Who knows.

The book waffles on about more risks, and the mechanics of how the ONI activates, and the warning disclaimer when it does turn on. Specifically, there’s a time limit of twelve consecutive hours, after which you’ll be automatically logged out, because yes, using the thing for too long can also cause brain damage.

Gregarious Simulation Systems will not be held responsible for any injuries caused by improper use of the OASIS Neural Interface.

See, now there’s the sort of thing that could be a source for commentary, but no, instead it’s thrown in there like it’s nothing and Wade glosses over the entire warning, and instead keep wondering why Halliday didn’t just release the ONI if even the safety disclaimers were in place.

By the way: this whole system has apparently gone through several independent human trials already, so I’m finding it hard to imagine that it’s actually a secret Halliday took to the grave as Wade says. Unless he also had everyone involved in those trials killed afterwards. Or maybe they all ended up with brain damage which rendered them incapable of talking about it.

And before you think I’m being unfair and maybe we’re supposed to understand that ourselves even if the protagonist doesn’t, I’ll remind you that the book didn’t trust its reader to know what the number 42 is a reference to, or what an oni is, even though I don’t think anyone in the target audience wouldn’t know about these two things.

There’s also the fact that, since this book came out, a video game did release with a scene intentionally designed to cause seizures, and it had countless fans flocking to defend it over that fact. So you’ll have to excuse me if I’m not assuming this book’s stance on whether your video game console causes brain damage and possibly coma is actually a bad thing, or just an acceptable risk.

Wade certainly seems to think so, since he agrees to the terms of service.

As the timestamp faded away, it was replaced by a short message, just three words long—the last thing I would see before I left the real world and entered the virtual one. But they weren’t the three words I was used to seeing. I—like every other ONI user to come—was greeted by a new message Halliday had created, to welcome those visitors who had adopted his new technology: READY PLAYER TWO

Well now that’s just silly.

And that’s our opening cutscene. And while this post is already long enough, I feel like I have to go on to chapter 0, because it feels like barely anything has happened so far. We didn’t even introduce any new character motivation or conflict, or a mystery to set the plot into motion, unless I’m supposed to think “why didn’t Halliday release this?” counts.

So Wade is back into the OASIS, and tells us about how much more real it all feels thanks to the ONI. I especially have to question how he can smell or taste anything—both of which he tells us he can. Like, who coded that? Did Halliday implement every single smell and taste himself, without anyone noticing? I hope you don’t need me to tell you that’s not typically how features are added to a large-scale video game.

If it feels like I’m nitpicking at the logic of the book, even though I always say I’m not very interested in that and would rather talk themes, it’s because I am, because there isn’t much else to discuss so far. Wade is happy about tasting virtual fruit. That’s the scene.

He tests out if he can feel pain, but no, the ONI reduces pain (a gunshot is translated as “a hard pinch”). On one hand, good, it would be a nightmare otherwise. On the other hand, I sort of hope there’s a setting for that in there, because otherwise, you just lost an entire clientele of kinksters.

This was it—the final, inevitable step in the evolution of videogames and virtual reality. The simulation had now become indistinguishable from real life.

Ah, now we have some juicy themes. Because if you think this is the inevitable final step in the evolution of video games, I invite you to look at literally any other art form, and what happened to them once hyperrealism became easy. Hint: they didn’t stop evolving, because it turns out realism isn’t the only goal one can achieve with art.

The realism discussion is not a new one in video games, mind you. In case you’re out of the loop: most of the big-budget blockbuster games (“AAA” as they’re known) are aiming for hyperrealism nowadays, and it results in development teams being forced to work in horrible conditions (known with the equally horrible euphemism of “crunch”). And, because it turns out that 1) humans working themselves to the bones isn’t healthy and 2) racing for realism with little to no vision besides it makes for poor creativity, a lot of these games come out as disappointments. Oh, there are hordes of Gamers™ who will defend them to the bitter end, but inevitably, in the months following release, the defense cools off while the criticism keeps on going, because the defense was a knee-jerk reaction born of a mix of people hyping themselves up for a game they hadn’t seen that much of yet, then attaching a part of their identity to liking that thing.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that this throwaway line feels like it comes from someone who is so out of touch as to accidentally support a world view that has in fact resulted in the biggest part of the industry stagnating artistically while growing more toxic for the people working in it. All the while, more and more independent games come out every year, proving that that realism is nowhere near the most important thing to making a game good, and that you can achieve much better results with a small team.

What I’m trying to say is: watch Jim Sterling’s channel, they’ve been bleeding out subscribers since they came out as nonbinary and make much better commentary on this topic than I could, and play Hades.

Back to the book, which sadly hasn’t become any more interesting since I decided to go on a tangent. Wade tests the ONI functions some more, all the while musing on how he knows Samantha would disapprove but that he doesn’t care, because what loving relationship doesn’t consist of that?

Among the functions, he tries the ONI files, the aforementioned recordings of someone else’s experiences. Specifically, a woman, which Wade tells us by telling us he suddenly has breasts, I suppose because Ernest Cline saw that subreddit about men writing women and went “I want a piece of that”. Oh, and also, those sample files were recorded from real people, in the real world. And yes, this goes exactly where you think it does.

SEX-M-F.oni, SEX-F-F.oni, and SEX-Nonbinary.oni

Look, I actually started writing a complaint about the boobs thing, and I deleted it, but now Cline is doing it on purpose. So, here goes: I saw a quote from this book on Twitter that looked like Cline attempting to make up for Wade’s casual transphobia in the first book. It wasn’t good, but it at least sounded like he was trying. So to immediately get this is…a lot? Let’s go for a lot.

I can almost excuse the use of “M” and “F”. You gotta name your files and you could excuse a non-exhaustive list. But…nonbinary? On one hand, I want to know what Cline means. On the other hand, I don’t think he can come up with an answer I’ll find satisfactory.

We are thankfully spared from finding out because Wade has just lost his virginity to Samantha a few days ago and he’s 1) not ready for this and 2) pretty sure this counts as cheating. You could make a case that this is more like porn, but I can see that this is more of a personal distinction anyway, and I can respect that one. Plus, you know. I don’t want to find out.

Wade logs off, and he can’t tell the difference between the OASIS with the ONI, and decides this will change the world. And then it’s back to the “how did he do it and keep it a secret”, even though Wade now finds out in the documentation that this had been in development for twenty-five years, basically since the OASIS launched. So it’s not really that it’s a secret, so much as there are a lot of people under very strict NDAs out there. Or, again, they’re all dead and/or otherwise incapacitated.

The ONI is the product of the Accessibility Research Lab, and Wade tells us about other stuff that the lab has produced using similar technology, mostly for medical purposes.

GSS patented each of the Accessibility Research Lab’s inventions, but Halliday never made any effort to profit from them. Instead, he set up a program to give these neuroprosthetic implants away, to any OASIS users who could benefit from them. GSS even subsidized the cost of their implant surgery.

Look, it’s nice that you want Halliday to be the good guy through and through, but it’s kind of hard to take any social commentary seriously when you think this is how a billionaire is made. Hell, even when he shut down the lab and fired its entire staff, he gave them a big enough severance package to set them for life. You know. Capitalism!

Hey, remember when Samantha said she was going to end world hunger if she won the contest, a thing billionaires right now could be doing, but aren’t, and she is now the co-owner of GSS? Yeah, I kind of hope the book remembers that too.

Speaking of the co-owners, the book just completely skips over the debate that our four main characters have over whether or not to release the ONI to the world. All we know is that they voted, and the vote goes in favor of releasing it. I mean, why have characters who could have opinions and feelings that could create a discussion? That might make us care about them! And who wants to care about characters in a story?

We put them on sale at the lowest possible price, to make sure as many people as possible could experience the OASIS Neural Interface for themselves.

What exactly is “the lowest possible price” here? Your company literally owns money. Like, OASIS money is real money. There is literally nothing stopping you from giving them away, especially because what you’re giving away is access to the platform you’re already running for a profit.

It’s almost like, even trying to make “good billionaires” out of its protagonists, the book can’t stop and actually make them significantly good.

Oh, I should mention. If you thought my Ready Player One review was angry at capitalism, wait until you see what the past couple years have done to me.

Anyway, once they his 7,777,777 simultaneous ONI users, a new riddle shows up on Halliday’s website. Because yep: our plot is apparently not about the implications of releasing the ONI, or any of the potential ideological discussions associated with that, it’s another riddle. Oh boy, do I wish I’d known that.

Seek the Seven Shards of the Siren’s Soul On the seven worlds where the Siren once played a role For each fragment my heir must pay a toll To once again make the Siren whole

I cannot wait to have the book give me just not enough information to solve the riddle until it’s solved by the book itself. That was so much fun the other…what was it, five times? Six times? Something like that. Wade already tells us the Siren might be Kira Morrow, because her alias was named after one of the sirens of Greek myth, so I can’t wait for that plot point to stick around. It was so fun to hear all about this man pining for another man’s wife the first time!

So this is the “Shard Riddle”. People are apparently convinced it was made by Wade and his crew as a publicity stunt, but of course, they know that that isn’t the case, and they also don’t know what that riddle is supposed to lead to. So, that’s great. We have a puzzle, and we also don’t know what the stakes are. All we know is that Wade wants to solve the puzzle essentially because it’s a challenge.

We skip over a year, and Wade tells us about how IOI collapses and gets absorbed by GSS because of the ONI’s launch. Remember IOI? They were the bad guys, so I guess we have to cheer?

GSS absorbed IOI and all of its assets, transforming us into an unstoppable megacorporation with a global monopoly on the world’s most popular entertainment, education, and communications platform.To celebrate, we released all of IOI’s indentured servants and forgave their outstanding debts.

On one hand: good for the slave. On the other hand: not gonna cheer for a monopoly, you guys.

Another year’s skip, and now 99% of the OASIS users are using the ONI, and yes, that includes trading their experiences with one another too. And I guess we’re still hand-waving any possible problems associated with that technology, because the technology is made so that all recordings must be shared and played through the OASIS.

This allowed us to weed out unsavory or illegal recordings before they could be shared with other users.

How? Do you know any of the problems associated with content moderations on the current platforms? I don’t know if I want to point to Youtube’s extremely faulty algorithm, Twitter’s complete apathy towards its Nazis, or Facebook doing moderation by making underpaid staff watch all potentially problematic content, which resulted in serious psychological damage to said staff.

You can’t just say that as if it solved everything. The chapter later says this is handled by an AI called “CenSoft”, and as an AI engineer myself, let me tell you: this is not going to work. Again: Youtube is the way it is for a reason.

It also let us maintain our monopoly on what was rapidly becoming the most popular form of entertainment in the history of the world.

And again, monopolies are totally a good thing as long as it’s in the right hands!

When I’m implying that the book does not care for any of these potential problems, I mean it. These enormous ethical issues are sidestepped in cold narratin, and we just keep going on introducing new slang that I hate, but have to quote so help you keep up.

“Sims” were recordings made inside the OASIS, and “Recs” were ONI recordings made in reality. Except that most kids no longer referred to it as “reality.” They called it “the Earl.” (A term derived from the initialism IRL.) And “Ito” was slang for “in the OASIS.” So Recs were recorded in the Earl, and Sims were created Ito.

There. You have been infodumped.

In the midst of all this (still extremely dry) exposition about how this changed media, we also get this tidbit:

You could take any drug, eat any kind of food, and have any kind of sex, without worrying about addiction, calories, or consequences.

Now, I was going to rant about this, but then, a page later, this happens and spares me the trouble:

I’d struggled with OASIS addiction before the ONI was released. Now logging on to the simulation was like mainlining some sort of chemically engineered superheroin.

So, you are aware that addiction isn’t just possible, but extremely facilitated by this. But sure, no worries! It’s perfectly safe! Because our protagonists are good.

Also, remember how the last book ended on a weak attempt at having a moral that maybe the real world is good, actually? Yeah, Wade tells us the ONI helps poor people live enjoyable lives in the OASIS. So. Fuck that message, I guess. It only applies if you’re the literal wealthiest man on Earth.

And me? All my dreams had come true. I’d gotten stupidly rich and absurdly famous. I’d fallen in love with my dream girl and she had fallen in love with me. Surely I was happy, right? Not so much, as this account will show.

Aside from the aforementioned returning OASIS affiction, there’s the Shard riddle that Wade is now obsessed with, to the point of offering a billion-dollar reward to anyone with information about the riddle’s answer.

I announced this reward with a stylized short film that I modeled after Anorak’s Invitation. I hoped it would seem like a lighthearted play on Halliday’s contest instead of a desperate cry for help. It seemed to work.

On one hand: good, Wade finally has a character flaw that the book actually acknowledges as a character flaw. I can work with that. On the other hand: this is all told to me in such a dispassionate that I am dreading how the book will handle this character flaw. Which is to say, I’m not expecting it to be very good.

(For a brief time, some of the younger, more idealistic shard hunters referred to themselves as “shunters” to differentiate themselves from their elder counterparts. But when everyone began to call them “sharters” instead, they changed their minds and started to call themselves gunters too. The moniker still fit. The Seven Shards were Easter eggs hidden by Halliday, and we were all hunting for them.)

Especially when this is something the narration feels is more important to tell me about.

Anyway, skip another year, and a gunter finally leads Wade to the First Shard. Solved that riddle, I guess. And wait, wasn’t part of why IOI was ~evil~ in the first book that they were paying people to find the Easter Egg for them? How is this any different, Wade?

And when I picked it up, I set in motion a series of events that would drastically alter the fate of the human race. As one of the only eyewitnesses to these historic events, I feel obligated to give my own written account of what occurred. So that future generations—if there are any—will have all the facts at their disposal when they decide how to judge my actions.

And that is the end of our chapter 0. And can I just say: what a mess already. I don’t think my snark can properly convey how utterly devoid of emotion this book’s writing is, and that alone is honestly more of a turn-off than anything else in the book so far. Even, knowing that I railed about it in the first book, I still feel newly unprepared for it. And it’s not like this double-prologue is making me hopeful that the book will show an ounce more critical thinking—or decent fucking humanity towards marginalized groups—as its predecessor.

So, that’s a lot to look forward to! For the sake of my sanity and schedule, don’t expect me to do such big posts every time. I’ll probably do one chapter a week from now on, if that. We’re in for a long ride, but I hope it’s worth it, at least.

[stuonsongs]

My Top 10 Favorite Songs of All Time - 2006 Edition

2021 Editor’s Note: I was looking through some old files and found this thing that I wrote sometime in the summer of 2006 at age 22. For all I know, it could’ve been 15 years to the day! Looking back, I’m not sure how many of these songs would still make my top 10. Don’t get me wrong, I still love all of these tunes, but I’m sure you know how it goes - You get older, you get exposed to more things, and your idea of good music expands. Anyway, I thought it might be nice to share with anyone who still uses this site. I present it in its original format without edits to my writing. I ended up writing full posts in this blog about some of these songs if you go through the archive. 

Stu’s Top 10 Favorite Songs…Ever

Let’s start with some honorable mentions. These were so close, and I thought about it for so long, but they had to be left off.

Honorable Mentions

All Summer Long – The Beach Boys

All Summer Long. 1964. Capitol

This song has been described so many times as being “the perfect summer song.” When you listen to it, you can’t help but smile from the opening marimba intro, all the way through. It just screams “summer” and it hurt me to leave The Beach Boys off my top 10.

Bleed American – Jimmy Eat World

Bleed American. 2001. Grand Royal

So full of energy, so rocking, and so what would’ve been the most recent song on my list. I wanted to keep it in the top 10 just so I could have a song from the ‘00s, but it wasn’t meant to be. When the chorus kicks in, I can’t help but headbang.

Marie – Randy Newman

Good Old Boys. 1974. Reprise

Randy has said that a lot of young composers pick “Marie” as their favorite Newman song, and I can see why. The idea of a guy having to be drunk to tell his wife that he loves her is pretty funny, and throughout the whole song it’s just the beautiful melody with tons of strings, all to a tune about a guy ripping on himself as he comes home drunk to his wife.

Does He Love You? – Rilo Kiley

More Adventurous. 2004. Brute/Beaute

I guess this is newer than Bleed American, so it would’ve worked too. This is another more recent song that it killed me to leave off the list. The outro is an arrangement of the main tune with a different chord progression performed by a string quartet. Very beautiful. Also when Jenny Lewis screams “Your husband will never leave you, he will never leave you for me,” I get chills every time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

So here it is. After a long day’s work, I’m finally finished. It actually turned out much different than I was thinking when I first started. The number one wasn’t really even in my top five when I started, but I slowly realized I loved it so much. I also left Ben Folds (Five) off this list completely, and I don’t know, I just feel the whole catalogue of Ben is so solid, none of the songs stick out to me that much. But anyways, here it is! After the break of course…

Stu’s Top 10

10.

(Love Is Like A) Heat Wave – Martha and the Vandellas

Heat Wave. 1963. Motown.

This one beat out “Bleed American” just barely. The reason being that somehow, despite being nearly 40 years older than Bleed American, it still has so much energy that it kills. Dan Bukvich once told our Jazz Arranging class that you can boil all the oldies you hear on the radio down to three categories: 1) Great Song. 2) Great Performance. 3) Great Arrangement. This song is one of the great performances. The handclaps throughout, combined with the driving baritone sax behind everything and constant snare drum action will keep anybody with blood running through their veins dancing all night long.

9.

Bodhisattva – Steely Dan

Countdown to Ecstasy. 1973. MCA

This song is my Freebird. It’s just a basic blues progression song at its core with some minor changes at the end of the form. The real kicker that drives this song home is the three minute guitar solo in the middle that isn’t nearly as rocking as Freebird, but it is highly proficient and takes me to places that just make me want to play the song over and over again. I have no idea what this song is about, probably Buddhism, but hey, this once again proves that lyrics rarely matter and the music itself is the core.

8.

Zanzibar – Billy Joel

52nd Street. 1978. Columbia

This song reminds me of long car rides on vacations down the west coast with my parents growing up. They used to play a tape of 52nd Street, or at least their favorite selections, constantly on these trips. I didn’t hear this song again until early in my senior year in college and remembered why I loved it so much. The song has a heavy jazz influence, displayed in the breakdown where Jazz trumpeter Freddie Hubbard does a solo. The best part of this song though is at the end of the 4th line of each verse, Billy does this “Woah oh oh!” thing that just makes me want to sing every time. It was between this and “Miami 2017 (Lights Go Out On Broadway)” which is also a great song, but the “Woah oh oh!” is too much for ol’ Stu boy.

7.

Rosalita (Come Out Tonight) – Bruce Springsteen

The Wild, the Innocent, and the E Street Shuffle. 1973. Columbia

Early Bruce Springsteen records have something that very few other artists can ever pull off without sounding cheesy or forced. It has this undeniable sense of urgency, like the world will fall apart and life will crumble through your fingers if this one moment in time doesn’t work out the way Bruce describes it. There are so many early Springsteen songs that just set a scene of “We have to get out of this town right now girl before it kills us, no matter what any of our parents, friends, anybody has to say.” There’s a line that kinda sums it up: “Well hold on tight, stay up all night ‘cause Rosie I’m comin’ on strong. By the time we meet the morning light, I will hold you in my arms. I know a pretty little place in southern California down San Diego way. There’s a little café where they play guitars all night and all day. You can hear ‘em in the back room strummin’, so hold tight baby ‘cause don’t you know daddy’s comin’.”

6.

I’ve Got You Under My Skin – Frank Sinatra

Songs For Swingin’ Lovers! 1956. Capitol

This song falls into the category of great arrangement. This Cole Porter classic tune was arranged for Sinatra by Nelson Riddle. The story goes that he was still copying down parts for the players while riding in the cab to the recording studio on the day of recording. After the players ran through it once with Frank, they stood up and applauded. The Baritone sax takes control here, outlining a Db6/9 chord throughout the intro. Of course, Frank’s vocal delivery is spot on and goes up and down in all the right places for the biggest emotion impact. It’s amazing how a song with no real chorus can be so good.

5.

A Change Is Gonna Come – Sam Cooke

Ain’t That Good News. 1964. RCA Victor

This song was not even going to be on this list, but then I ran across it while scouring my collection of music and remembered how good it was. Then I listened to it and was blown away by the level of detail that went into this arrangement. Sam’s vocals soar above the mind blowingly beautiful arrangement. The lyrics to this one actually add to the tune itself, speaking of wrongdoings in the world around him, and how social change is on its way in the form of the civil rights movement. The song flows with such ease out of Cooke that one might forget the weightiness of the content, but the song’s content is just so heavy that it’s impossible to deny it.

4.

Whatever – Oasis

Whatever EP. 1994. Creation

This song was released as a Christmas present to the U.K. from the Gallagher brothers and company. It never appeared on any full album, only being released as a single, and amazingly, it blows away anything else they’ve ever done. Think “All You Need Is Love,” but with tons of rocking energy and a snide, nonchalant attitude. The chorus speaks, “I’m free to be whatever I, whatever I choose and I’ll sing the blues if I want. I’m free to be whatever I, whatever I like, if it’s wrong or right, it’s alright.” Not exactly poetry, and the song isn’t exactly breaking any new ground either, but the song is absolutely perfect in every way, and it was going to be my #1, but perhaps the only reason it’s not at number one is because I’ve played this song so many times that at the moment, these next three are beating it, but who knows how I’ll feel in a few months. This song also pulls the same “outro performed by a string quartet” thing as “Does He Love You?” but even better. It’s so simple, but I can’t get enough of it.

3.

Mr. Blue Sky – Electric Light Orchestra

Out of the Blue. 1977. Jet

This is obviously the best Beatles song that the Beatles never wrote. The staccato guitar during the verse combined with the strings present in just about every ELO song combine to make a force that is undeniably catchy and musically challenging at the same time. This is really what makes ELO so good. I didn’t discover this song till probably Nov. 2005, and it was one of the best days of my life. I didn’t want to include two songs by the same artist in my top 10, but if I did, I probably would’ve added “Turn To Stone” on this list too because it is almost as awesome as this one. It’s a shame that just like Billy Joel, most critics at the time hated ELO for being overly creative musically (they called it pretentiousness). These days we have acts that really are pretentious (see Radiohead), but everyone loves them, even critics. I’m not knocking all Radiohead, just most everything post OK Computer. Sorry, got a little sidetracked there.

2.

Only In Dreams – Weezer

Weezer. 1994. Geffen

This has been my favorite Weezer song since about a month into me picking up Weezer’s debut album back around early 2000. It has this ostinato (a repeated motif over and over again) in the bass throughout most of the whole song, never even really resolving to the Gb major chord (excluding chorus, which never really resolves) that it wants to until the end of a 3 minute contrapuntal guitar duet when everything dies out except the bass which just retards on its own until it finally plays the single Gb we’ve all been waiting for. The song on the whole up until the guitar duet is pretty tame, but once those contrapuntal guitar lines start intertwining, my ears perk up every time. I can sing both lines at separate times upon request and when the drums finally kick back in fully at the climax of the song, I let out a sigh of relief or bang on my car wheel in exultant joy, whichever is more of an option at the time.

1.

All Is Forgiven – Jellyfish

Spilt Milk. 1993. Charisma

I always loved this song from the first time I heard it, but I didn’t realize how much I loved it until maybe April 2006. I found out about Jellyfish first semester of college in the Fall of ’02 and heard this song, and knew it was great. The constant tom-tom driven drums, the fuzzy, almost white noise distorted guitar, and the half time bass throughout. It was great. Then in April I put it on my mp3 player for the walk to school, and then I listened to it for about two weeks straight. Seriously. It runs into the next song entitled “Russian Hill” which is almost as good, but because it’s a separate song, I couldn’t include it on the list, but in my mind, they always run together and are basically one long 9 minute song. The ending just gets more and more white noise filled until you can barely take it anymore and then it just cuts off completely into the slow acoustic intro for Russian Hill. It’s perfect in every way. I think this would fall into the category of great song. And the way the song builds up right to the middle of the song and then cuts out completely except for some very VERY faint xylophone noodling, and then busts back in with some feedback directly into guitar solo. Man I love this song.

[tisfan]

I’ve been doing a lot of reading recently; between the @bannedtogetherbingo2020 kerfluffle and the BLM protests 

(one thing that I’ve been doing recently that seems to annoy the living SHIT out of my fellow White People is correcting “riots” to “protests.” 

“Were you near the riots --” “I did not attend the protests, but I did donate to the medical fund for the man who was injured by removal of the statue on High Street.”

This seems to drive people absolutely batshit, and I will continue to do it. These are not riots and if they have similar characteristics with riots it’s because cops are treating everyone not even like criminals, but like hostile enemy forces.)

Mostly what I’ve been reading about is the difficulty that POC fans have in getting their voices heard in fandom. That the history of fandom is primarily the history of White Fandom. 

(this is long, so there’s more under the cut - I also tell stories A LOT so brace for personal experience asides)

I’ve been thinking about comments I’ve seen by black and brown fans about trying to get away from racist stories on A03. And trying to figure out if there’s a way to give people what they want -- a way to tag posts/topics/writers/ships on a permanent block list. I know I’ve spoken with several fans who have extensive filter scripts when they go looking for a new read and that shit is EXHAUSTING and doesn’t work necessarily on mobile devices.

I, for instance, have QUITE A LOT of stuff blacklisted on tumblr because I find P*nnyW*se the Creepy Teeth Demon to be horrific and I do not want him on my screen. And the movie’s name is IT for fuck’s sake. I can’t blacklist the word “It” and still expect to see any content at all. So, thinking about how much trouble I had keeping PWCTD off my screen gives me some sympathy to how hard it’s got to be to filter out something that people aren’t even tagging! 

I mean, honestly, most of the time that people tag a fic TW: racist, they already KNOW the character is acting in a racist manner and they’re condemning it. When people don’t realize the character is racist, or a word, or a trope is racist (mystical black character, for instance) they don’t tag it as racist because they either don’t know, are unconscious of their own bias, of they don’t care that it’s racist. 

In the same manner, Person A who’s writing fic they know is dub-con will tag it, and Person B who thinks stalking someone and climbing in their window at night is romantic will NOT tag the same scenes as dub-con.

Which doesn’t make it any less jarring when I suddenly run into a fic that I would absolutely count as noncon/dubcon that’s not tagged for it. The intentions of the author don’t matter TO ME at that moment, what matters to me is that I’m trying to breathe while the romantic interest on my eReader is saying “aw, that’s so sweet.”

So, there’s multiple questions that come up for me -- I’m not a computer person, so while the A03 code is available for use, I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I tried. 

Is there a way to tag something from the outside? An overlay or side program (like an Xkit for A03) that would allow people to permanently blacklist certain tags or authors, tropes, etc? I know there are some hosting sites (unfortunately with ads) that basically funnel stuff from A03 to a reader. There was a big kerfluffle about it at the beginning of the year because OMG, someone is making money off my fanfic! protip, no, they weren’t. they were making money off someone else’s desire for a custom skin. The material itself was never leaving A03, it wasn’t stored anywhere else. A03 does not currently have a phone app and they don’t plan to have a phone app.

So, would it be possible for someone to write a phone-app that did a custom filter for the material. Blacklists are certainly possible, right?

Because here’s the thing; a lot of people who are racist don’t know that they are. Or they don’t care that they are. I have personally had a couple of hard conversations about racism (I’m not even going to call it “unconscious racism” because I am a grown-ass adult capable of reading, so if I act in a racist manner, I’m going to fucking own it. And apologize for it. And try to do better.) in my own work -- whitewashing a character at one point, using a quote from a black woman as a title for a story about Wanda. I’m still not entirely convinced that a Jewish/Romani woman is “white” in any sort of traditional sense. That said, I’m not a POC and I’m going to listen to the person who’s upset because of my usage and not my own feeling of “I don’t really think Wanda counts as white.” This may be partially because WANDA is whitewashed as shit in the MCU and a lot of people in the fandom do not read comics.

That further said, I made the changes as requested and apologized for it in the work/notes. And felt very uncomfortable when some of my white friends said “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.” I’m not sorry I had to deal with it. I wish I hadn’t DONE it, but I am glad that people felt comfortable enough with me to call my on my bullshit and I was able to make corrections and amends.

Still-- All of this boils down to: People are not going to, in good faith, tag their own fic as “don’t read this, I am racist.”  

Everything that gets done on A03 -- which is an Archive -- is voluntary by the author. A03′s policies are pretty much “tag to warn” or “tag that you’re NOT tagging to warn.” The only action A03 takes for inappropriate tagging is to ask the author to update the Warning to match, or choose not to warn. If there’s no compliance, A03 will assign the fic “choose not to warn.” But that’s the extend of their policies.

We all know this history; no censorship. Censorship is a slope that leads to fanwork disappearing. Because here’s another fact: it doesn’t matter what the intention is of censoring a story; that censorship is going to be applied badly. 

So, if A03 was going to ban racist fic, how long do you think it would take before the reporting system was flooded? Even legit reports of racism are going to take a while to read through, judge, contact the author, wait for possibly updates or retractions, and then removal.

A03′s staff are volunteers, and I understand there aren’t very many of them. There are six MILLION works on A03. No one could hope to read them all with a careful enough eye to catch all instances of harmful texts.

And we all know what’s going to happen: it’s easier to delete all stories that get complaints, rather than read them.

So, Fan A gets Fan C’s fic taken down for racial stereotyping and Fan C tells all of her friends, who go on a crusade to report every single one of Fan Q’s fics in retaliation (not because Fan Q did anything “wrong” but because they happened to post a blog about racial stereotyping in fandom) And we’re right back to strikethru.

Yet, censorship is one of those things that makes me very, very nervous. Do I think a white boy who writes a self-insert rape fantasy novella about violating and murdering Zoe Quinn should be allowed a platform? No, I don’t. (And neither did Amazon, who took it down fairly quickly once it was brought to their attention. But that’s only one case, where there are probably thousands of books that are personal attacks and are left merrily alone.)

There are a lot of books on the banned book list. If people thought they could get away with it, those books would be unpublished, unpersoned, black bagged. 

We all know that the rules get applied badly, by the people with the biggest mouths and the loudest complaints. So banning content on A03 does not seem to be the solution.

(Personal story time again, just skip this if you want.)

I came into fandom backward; I was a traditionally published erotica / romance writer first and moved into fandom after the collapse of several small publishing houses for various scandals that I won’t bore you with but you can look here if you want more information. 

Several years ago, I was in an anthology that i was Very Proud of, and I really like the editor I worked with, wanted to work with her again. She sent me a premise for submission that left me cold. Which is to say, she wanted to publish cuckolding stories. 

[x] <-- warning, that link is REALLY harsh and filled with some real WTF moments, from someone who’s pointing out the racism inherent in the system.

Especially when you consider the Mandingo aspects of the fantasy, it’s easy to see why just the existence of it is repulsive.

I declined the invitation to participate because I was deeply uncomfortable with the subject matter. 

I’m not saying that to get praise for my behavior. 

Because when the subject came up again about two or three years ago in some fandom discourse, I sided with my friends who were defending “no censorship, no matter what.”

(End of personal aside.)

Despite my personal feelings about the issue (ew, this is icky and racist and horrible and I would never write it) I still believe that I don’t have the right to say what someone else can write, read, or enjoy.

I’m trying to find the path between “this sort of reading material is harmful and I don’t think it should have a platform,” “this should be heavily tagged to avoid upsetting people,” and “there are people who feel that way about gay, non-christian stories as well.” And what’s more, I’m trying to find it in a way that doesn’t stifle authors’ voices.

Even with my idea of an overlay, that’s putting the burden on the people most affected-- someone would have to rate stories as “racist” or “not racist” (and even then, it’s seldom that clear cut. Microaggressions abound.) and the people best capable of doing that would be readers of color. Which hardly seems productive. Or fair. 

“Don’t like; don’t read” is often the calling card of fandom writers. I’ve said it myself. That’s what the fucking back button is for. But when I say it, I mean “I don’t want to hear your wank about Tony Stark in my inbox” not “I don’t want to be called out for racism when I wrote a story.”

https://ggmadeit.com/blog/why-i-cant-just-knit-the-story-of-a-black-knitter-during-civil-unrest/ -- I’m including this link because this piece really made me think. I can’t ever put down being a woman. I can’t read or watch horribly misogynistic work without being upset, and I have trouble sitting in the room with my male friends who insist on watching it and want to say “it’s only a movie.”

Being black is part of someone’s life. It can’t be erased just because it’s not convenient. Just because it interrupts your good time. It shouldn’t be put aside because “it’s just a story.”

As fans, we have to do better.

We all know what it’s like to be pushed out, to be made second best, to be asked when we’re going to get a real hobby, when are you going to grow up, why did you spend money on that merch? So we need to reach further. 

I don’t have answers. And even if I did, I’m not the one who needs to give them. What I need to do is listen to the people who have answers and HELP THEM get what they need.

We need to do better. We need to BE better.

[funkymbtifiction]

which are the behaviour patterns and cognitive processes you observe on yourself particularly that you associate with being an ENFP?

That’s easy. Not. Ha, ha.

The most prominent behavior patterns I notice are typical for ENPs -- in that I become obsessed with something for a short amount of time, exhaust every possible resource I can find on it, and then promptly drop that interest in pursuit of something else. These things can be longer-term interests (I took up hoop dancing for two years, mastered a lot of the tricks, and lost interest) or shorter (various and sundry fandoms I was hot and heavy with for a few months or weeks and then walked away from). As a result of reading up on whatever happens to catch my interest (which is a lot of things), I am something of a “know-er of many things” -- and often people, particularly ISFJs and INFPs, tend to notice that I can hold a competent discussion about anything and contribute to it in some way. I remember random things relating to it and it always comes up in conversation -- someone will mention in an e-mail they watched Vertigo last night and I’ll tell them something I know about the filming / Hitchcock / the symbolism / that happened on set, or what psychological disorder it is about. Then I’ll turn around and talk about cat behavior patterns or that Tolkien based his most memorable myth-romance in his creation story on his own marriage. Basically, I’m a walking storehouse of random information on a bunch of topics, but specialize only in a few things -- and I can never predict what will be a lifetime fascination or a momentary one.

Secondly, is both a plus and a negative -- my idealism. The nice thing about being an ENFP is that they tend to bounce back from things, through a dogged determination to believe the best of other people, the potential the world holds in general, and their desire to change things through ideas. But with this also comes a tendency toward naivety. So on the one hand, it’s nice being able to go through bad things and come out like Anne Frank, still believing that someone somewhere is good and that good things will eventually happen -- and another to be blithely unaware of how being “advanced” and idealistic yourself does not mean the world has suddenly changed. I still remember (and cringe over) an essay I wrote about five years ago talking about the end of racism; in an idealistic way, I had assumed everyone had moved beyond it -- but obviously, that is not the case and race still continues to be a huge global / social issue. That was nothing more than my Ne envisioning a reality that didn’t exist -- and a nice, pleasant, and positive one of optimism and joy, to boot.

Inferior Si’s main problem for me isn’t necessarily neglecting details, though I do have trouble keeping track of them, but more a case of -- not learning from my own encounters with people. SJs have healthy Si usage, which means they learn from their experiences -- and treat them as learning experiences. Inferior Si means weak Si, which translates to “Charity approaches people with hope and optimism rather than realism and has to get kicked 47 times before she realizes who this person truly is.” It’s only after I’ve been hurt or let down or disappointed that I remember this person ALWAYS does this to me, and it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve been able to start recognizing when I’m just using my Ne default to believe the best in other people. It’s this weird dynamic, between Ne “I know what you are doing, you’re trying to manipulate me” intuition, and naive Ne going “... sure, you let me down 46 times, but this time you COULD be different! I’m gonna give you that chance, because I KNOW you can be a better person... I see it in you.” IDK if this is also my 1 fix, but I look at people and just know who they COULD be with some encouragement and support. And it’s hard for me to accept that most of them have no interest in changing. (Because my actual default is: who wouldn’t want to evolve / change / be getting better??)

Fi is hard to put into words. It’s feeling three things at once, and not knowing how to talk about any of them. I more often default into Te -- and I’ll give you an example of how all my functions have been working against me this week.

I have had a lot going on the last few weeks. Whenever my environment is chaotic, so is my mind. My Ne is going in all directions at once, and doesn’t know where to look. It has multiple things going on and projects in mind and can’t focus on any of them -- and half the time, I will pile on MORE ideas or projects as an escape. Case in point: Black History Month typings. Now, a sensible person, a judging type, would have been probably thinking about a month of themed postings for weeks, if not months, gradually storing them up over time so as not to frantically be watching / typing things at the last minute. But not me. Oh, no. I decided the week after I had company, when my house was a mess from painting my office, on the cusp of a massive deadline at work, and while I have a book in-progress... that I would do this. 10 days before I would need to start posting typings. 29 days of them.

My Ne thought it was a great idea. What a way to celebrate the month! What an awesome way to get more POC typings on the blog, and be representative of a huge part of the population! But once the reality of it settled into me, I freaked out. How on earth could I pull this off in time? Would I have enough typings? How many things can I get watched in the next two weeks? How many back-up typings do I have, to help flesh them out?

So, I kicked into Te. I printed out a Month of Feb calendar page. I divided it up into the typings I wanted / intended to contribute, scattering “historical-based” characters to weekends and the middle of each week. Then I found all the archived / in the drafts characters on the wordpress blog, and counted those up. I started filling in the blank squares. My anxiety depleted as the squares filled. I’ll still have to watch films and type new characters, but not nearly as many as I feared, and I’ll probably have enough altogether between new / old / updated with Enneagram typings to fill all 29 days with at least 2 per day. I scheduled everything I have, made a list of the ones I need, and will work at it. Now under control. While at it, I made a list of to-do things for this weekend, itemized it according to importance and need, and am working my way down it. I did the same for my work week, which meant working off it, I got half of it done in advance and won’t have to feel “last minute pressured” next week.

This sort of thing is... somewhat typical with me. I get a great idea, it turns out to be more work than I thought -- I consider quitting, but then break it down into sizable chunks / a work list and make my way through it. The less interest others show, also, in the result, the less likely I am to keep doing it, because my ultimate goal is to impact others through everything I do (typical extrovert).

- ENFP Mod

[jeongahn]

✨ HEHE HELLO MY SUN! 95hua is my gfx and 17joshua is my gif portfolio blogs - Bea 💓

(Don’t) Creator’s send me a  ✨ + your creations tag and I’ll talk about some of your pieces I love! Bea’s creations (gfx) and her gifs and her blog @joshuahong (I still want to tag joshsua, it’s been literal YEARS)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - How do I make this short. Bea. I truly love your work so much, that when I tried to go through your archive from 2015 and onward - all my brain did was “oh that’s a fave. no wait that’s a fave. that one too. OH but THIS ONE-”. I’m not exaggerating. Every single piece. So to keep this condensed, I’m only going to talk about the pieces that gave me the visceral “!!!” because I remember how floored I was at the piece. Just know that EVERY piece you’ve done gives me that reaction. So this ask? This ask is now my own personal hell because I don’t know how to choose 3-5 pieces that I love more than the other. But I will try. This is more of a “walk down memory lane,” - in which I recall how much the piece amazed me at the time it was posted. This might seem long but let me tell you - this is as condensed as I could possibly make it. Like I am pulling my own teeth trying to mention just a FEW of these pieces that I really love. I need a drink. GOD this is obnoxiously long I don’t know what to do.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

2015

(1) (2) (3)These graphics are so heavily ingrained in my mind that I’m now realizing how much this inspired some of my graphics I did years later. Like??? It set the tone for what I value in a piece of work LOL. And when I look back at my own work now - I can see how much of these “lessons” I incorporated.

For (1) in particular, I adored the bleeding effect on the surrounding gifs! And how each panel bled into one another through those wisps.

 In (2) the COLORS just had me squirming like a delighted little sausage. It fit Seventeen’s image at the time so well. It was youthful, colorful, fresh. Everything that Akkinda was at that time. I LOVED the sparkles and the fucking TREE. Ugh that was truly one of the best graphics I saw at the time. 

In (3) - the way you oriented the text was amazing. It was a lot of text but the way you spaced it out and added these visual breaks made it so easy to digest. Like one panel is text heavy. Then another panel is image heavy with a bit of text.Then there’s a gif panel with more text but also spaced out with more image. The balance is fucking incredible Bea. And literally - that’s how my own mind is programmed to make gfx now so it’s nuts seeing that it might have been influenced by your own methods I viewed over the years. LORD, I should call you professor?

2016

Very few things I never heal from. This manipulation of Jeonghan and Joshua from the Chocolate MV? Is one of them. The Chocolate MV in general? Is another. But okay I recall how I gasped because of how GOOD this was. It’s still hitting me. Your brain is so sexy Bea. Also, I’m bummed we never got Mint Jeonghan. But like, who cares? Bea edited a mint Jeonghan and that’s all I’ll ever need. I would literally frame this LOL. Like I’m half considering slapping it onto my corkboard just so I can look at it often.

I would literally pick every single piece from 2016 but I think JiHan was my most favorite and I can’t tell if that’s the bias in me that’s making these decisions. 

2017

This is the coolest shit I’ve ever seen lmfao. I wish I had something more flourished to say but I remember thinking how fucking genius you were for highlighting the teaser like this. Since it was so scenic. And rather than making a hardcore gfx out of it - you just enhanced the vibe with text, coloring, and a bit of texture. You also did this same concept with Jeonghan and it just...oof it was so perfect. 

And then later on, when all the teasers were released - THIS stunning piece of work was done. I was SO impressed by the way you did the gifs with that cross effect. It’s not easy showing 13 pieces of anything. But you did THAT. And ALSO used the images of the teasers, you’re a MAD MAN BEA. A GENIUS. I’m still so shocked by how well done is this.

And you know what this talented fuck did WITH THE ACTUAL MV? You’re not going to fucking believe this. You’re really not. Why am I suddenly so angry. Just look at THIS and you’ll understand full well, why I am SCREAMING. I’ve NEVER seen anything done like this at the time it was posted. Like Bea REALLY set the fucking tone with this gfx. To this day I can’t think of a single gfx that captures an MV THIS WELL. UGH it’s BRILLIANT. If I HAD to pick a favorite - like you threatened to burn my pumpkin patch - I would choose this one. But because I’m not being threatened I’m now making this LONG ASS POST on WHY I LOVE BEA’S WORK SO MUCH-

I recently watched InuYasha in all of it’s entirity because I thought of this gfx a while back lmfao. Jeonghan as Sesshomaru and Joshua as a half demon? Satiates something inside of me. Anyways. The tones used here always get me. The soft beiges and purples at so NICE. I think I mentioned it reminded of buying lavenders out of burlap bags in romantic market places LOL. But the vibe still fits. The movie poster vibe is something you didn’t do often back then so it was cool seeing you try out a different style! The way top right and bottom left are correlated is something that flew right over my head back then. But now? I’m eating this shit up. It’s delicious. 

Shout out to the “Story of the Moon” series Bea did with Meanie, in which she insp credited herself. Is that not, the biggest flex? I love all your star crossed lovers concepts. Bea loves to: yearn. OH btw, here’s the actual Story of the Moon. It’s so sweet. Probably not the original but SO pretty either way. I think this might be the original. Re: Bea loves to learn.

I swear I’m done with 2017 but I gotta mention part 2 of Demon!JiHan. I never realized how much I loved this series of gfx. Bea. This is GOOD shit.

2018

This is GREAT. One thing I loved about YMMD concept was how the gradient reflected on the concept of day to night. So I adored how Bea did this! It was a clever way to utilize 13 images since the aspect of day and night happen in 12hr cycles. 

Just know anything Bea does of JiHan is most likely going to be some GREAT work because of the way a storyline is involved in it. I remember you talking to me about this concept so seeing it come into fruition was pretty fucking cool. Again. Bea loves to yearn. The colors reminded me of the 2015 piece I adored so much.

She did it again with the flawless approach on Demon!Jihan. It’s like year by year it becomes more and more sexy. I LOVE this. The editing on this is more “today Bea”. It’s got such a nice use of shadow and saturation. I remember those images were so hard for me to edit because of the shadow so I didn’t edit them LOL. But nothing stop’s Bea’s expertise. The red tones really get me. I love how this series went from soft burlap bag of lavender to reddish hues. It feels aggressive and I LOVE that.

This is probably the best birthday graphic that ever exists. Again Bea was so clever with how she displayed a lot of images from Joshua’s ENTIRE career. Along with text. Not just eras. Not just songs. But Joshua as a person as well. Whenever I see this I feel so fond. You can smell the love radiating off of this gfx. Joshua would be SO honored.

2019

This is so pretty. Like it reminds me of salwar kameez lmfao. I remember this fondly. It’s like they’re what is inside of a string light. Not light bulbs. It’s Seventeen’s Vocal Unit.

Shout out to this graphic that is reposted literally everywhere. Bea you unlocked every Carat’s deep want: Tatted!Seventeen. Your talent with manipulations is unreal. The tattoo series and Cyber/ Humanoid series really showcase that. Another shoutout to how Bea inspired that one set of teasers with the pressed flower freckles. I want this in a resin dish. Who on Etsy will do this for me-

(1) (2). The dichotomy of these 2 graphics still get me. In (1) there’s this warm and luxurious vibe. Then in (2) it’s the same luxurious vibe, but creepier than the previous because of the icy feel. It’s so neat. Both are SO beautifully done. I love the shimmer tears on Joshua in (1) and the icy sparkles on Vernon in (2). 

2020

I REALLY love this set. The BUTTERFLIES are you KIDDING ME??? I love them. I’m so glad you incorporated them. I love how you subject edit. The way you create glow on the face is so nice. It literally reminds me of using “How Many Carats?!?!!” on the face. Which is SO fitting lmfao. On this work it’s a bit more... “soft glow” but I had to mention it. Joshua with the monarch butterflies makes my heart warm. I dunno if Monarchs are California’s butterflies. But so many places in my town are dedicated to Monarch butterflies so when I think of California, I think of Monarch butterlfies. Anyways I adore the FLUSH on these images. It’s so INNOCENT

I love the entire Cyber series but the way you did everyone’s bionic arm? INCREDIBLE. I can’t even begin to understand HOW you did this Bea. It almost makes me angry that you do this shit for FREE. I get to look at this for free? It feels illegal. I was so floored I missed several details. Like how you made the lighting work with this neon light vibe. That takes a GOOD artistic eye and you clearly have that. Jihoon’s current of energy on his face? U G H it’s so GO OD. I want to stare at it forever. WAIT the BACKGROUND as well. Listen the more I stare this. The more details I realize I miss because I’m so caught up in one detail. It’s just such an incredible series that you execute so flawlessly. 

I just really love this. I can’t describe why. It’s just so nice to look at. That panel with Joshua’s glitter tears (p2)? I love it. All of it is so satisfying to look at and I got that entire vibe from the MV in general. So this was an appropriate way to display it!

I have yet to see all of your 2020 gfx so instead I’m gonna rb them and gush lol but really Bea. All your work is so good and if I could write a book on how much I appreciate them - (clearly) I would.

[panharmonium]

just some thinky thoughts about fandom platforms and community that i didn’t know what to do with, so i wrote them down.

[tl;dr - tumblr is weird, pan misses (certain aspects of) Ye Olde Days]

tumblr is such a weird platform.

like.  i love my blog as a personal repository of stuff i enjoy, and i’m definitely thrilled to have met the people i’ve met on here - some of them have even become my friends outside the internet, and that’s been absolutely lovely.  but in terms of actual functionality when it comes to trying to engage in a fandom...it’s still weird.

i know people will probably get tired of all the “BACK IN MY DAY” fandom analysis posts that float around on this website, but even having been here for years now, it is still really hard for me to adjust to a place that makes it so impossible to find any kind of actual fandom community spaces.

for me, i didn’t even start using tumblr until i was in my mid-twenties, and that was only because tumblr was where most people from LJ had migrated.  i’d been Doing Fandom for over a decade prior to that, on other platforms (fandom specific sites/archives and then LJ), so i ended up here kind of out of necessity - the great fandom migration was already mostly complete, by the time i moved.  

so i got here, and i got settled, but fandom on tumblr has been so different from fandom as i experienced it anywhere else, and that’s not the fault of any of its users; it’s just an inevitable function of the way this site is structured.

it is SO HARD for us to connect with people on here!

just, as an example from my own more recent life - i’ve been doing a lot of merlin stuff lately, right?  that’s where my head is at and that’s what i’m having the most fun with and i would love to be more interactive with people about it, like - to have folks to geek out with about it, you know, to do the things that fandom is for - and if i were on, say, livejournal, back in the day, i would know where to go to do those things.  there would be specific spaces built for just that purpose.  LJ comms were places where everybody who was interested in a particular thing could go for the express purpose of posting and discussing and interacting about that thing!  people still maintained their own personal blogs, but they also belonged to whichever LJ communities reflected their interests.  LJ comms and fandom-specific sites were fandom hubs - it was so easy to find what you were looking for.

this functionality doesn’t exist in any meaningful way on tumblr.  big, moderated groups/communities aren’t a thing tumblr truly supports.  there’s no way for me to go join the “merlin” comm and just be in community with a large group of people who just wanna talk about merlin.  the limited “group blog” functionality on tumblr is so non-conducive to actual usage that community spaces like those just don’t really exist, not like Back In The Day.

fandom on tumblr is so very decentralized.  the way things are set up here forces all of us to just make posts on our individual blogs, which then might get picked up and put on other people’s individual blogs, maybe.  you can’t like...make something (X) Fandom related and drop it in the (X) Fandom LJ Comm like “hey look, something fun to talk about!”  you could put it in “The Tag,” but anyone who’s been here for any length of time knows how useful doing that actually is.  and you could post it on your individual blog, but it won’t necessarily reach anybody who might want to geek out with you, not if you’re not already followed by someone in that fandom.  

and the only other option is to invite yourself onto someone else’s individual blog, which is a) inefficient, when you’re looking for wider community, and b) not something a Painfully Reserved Person is wont to do.

the analogy that works best for me is this: pre-tumblr, fandom hangouts were community spaces.  they were cafés with a sign hanging out front saying “star wars here!” or “kanan/hera here!” or “X here!”  if you wanted to geek out about a particular thing, you would go to the café and meet a bunch of other people there.

nowadays, if you want to geek out about a particular thing, you have to barge into a stranger’s house.  and not everyone is comfortable with that.

.

the lack of real, threaded comments is also just...i don’t know how to express how detrimental this is to communication and community.  i mean, i understand that tumblr’s entire “reblog” system doesn’t really allow it to be a thing, but tumblr’s entire mechanic as a fandom platform has to be questioned, in that case.

how impossible is it to have a conversation on here, the way tumblr is set up right now?  i mean - let’s say you make a post, right?  one person reblogs it and adds their own text to it; another person reblogs the original version, but says something different in the tags.  a third person doesn’t reblog it at all, but hits “reply” on your original post.  a fourth person “replies” also, but to the second person’s reblog, in response to the additional content.  

NONE OF YOU ARE HAVING THE SAME CONVERSATION.  none of you are even aware that the other conversations are happening.  the idea of trying to build an actual cohesive fandom community like that is just...impossible.  it can’t happen.

when i reblog posts on tumblr, i feel like i’m a dragon collecting a little hoard of shiny things she likes, only i never actually see another person, because i live in a cave.

everybody here lives in a cave.

.

and like...this is just philosophical, i guess, but.  tumblr’s focus on “follower count” and notes is also a thing i don’t really know how to handle.  

having people “follow” me makes me feel weird. seeing that people are “following” this blog exerts a bizarre external pressure, as if my little house here could ever be for anybody who isn’t me.  it prompts a tiny 'but should you?’ in the back of my head when i post about something that isn’t what all those people came here for, which is ridiculous, because this was never supposed to be a blog for any fandom in particular; it was just a blog for me.  i was the only one here when i started, and i literally never did anything to try and get people to come here and join me.  it happened accidentally, because bigger blogs than me picked up some star wars stuff i made and passed it around.

but of course, on tumblr, making connections gets conflated with follower/note count, and understandably so, because besides having a higher follower count (aka wider distribution), how are people ever going to reach the other people who are into the same thing they are?  

.

for instance.  let’s say you’re brand new to tumblr.  you want to get involved in X fandom.  there’s no community space here where a new blog with no followers can go and share their stuff with the right audience and meet all the other people who are also sharing their own work.  unless you start messaging strangers, your tumblr time is pretty isolated.

whereas - i remember on lj comms, back when people would post as a newcomer, it would be like, ‘hey i’m so-and-so and i love xyz and here’s a picture i drew of x character!!!!’ - and people would actually respond to that.  people responded to everything!  like.  tiny 400 word fics would have 30 comments, and all those people were talking with each other, not past each other, on the same page. 

.

just for fun, while i was typing this up, i went through a month’s worth of posts on an old lj comm i used to frequent.  not a single one of those posts was comment-less.  every single post, even the tiniest, most insignificant one-line musing, had some amount of discussion attached to it.  

whereas now - i don’t know if this is just confined to tumblr, or if it’s a general cultural shift, because even on AO3, i sometimes see people who have written massive sprawling epics and the comment field is just a desert.  i once saw the exact same fic posted on ff.net, where it had 20 comments - and then on AO3, where it had zero. 

and like, say what you will about ff.net (there’s...plenty to be said, certainly XD ) but commenting patterns were observably different there.  and that’s all part and parcel of a bigger discussion, which isn’t really within the scope of these notes, except to say that it’s probably the source of my forever grudge match with AO3′s kudos button, which i realize is an absurdly silly thing to say and i’m smiling at myself even as i type this, but - i gotta be honest - i hate that thing!  i can’t stand it!  XD  

i say that in the most good-natured way possible, obviously; this is fandom, after all, and it’s all for fun, and i love AO3 in every other way, so this is more a minor annoyance which makes me laugh at myself than anything else - but i say again - in the most fun-loving, self-deprecating way possible - that little button is my archnemesis.  XD  

i totally get why other people love it!  it’s a completely reasonable way to feel!  but for me, personally, coming out of an environment where the reward at the end of making something was getting to gush with somebody else, make a connection, talk about the thing that gave us So Many FEELS - the kudos button is so.  sterile.  and.  empty.  it doesn’t fulfill my urge to connect with people or share fannish enthusiasm in any way.  i’d almost rather not even see kudos on my account, honestly, because it makes me feel more disappointed than anything else - like, “oh, man.  look at all these missed fandom conversations we could have had.”

and obviously, this is in no way meant as disparaging to people who use the kudos button liberally.  it is ALWAYS lovely to show appreciation for someone who wrote something you liked, however which way you are able, if and only if you are so inclined.  nobody is obligated to leave feedback - lurkers are a perfectly accepted and long-celebrated fandom tradition; i belonged to that tradition myself, for most of my fandom life - so showing appreciation in any form is already going above and beyond.  nobody needs to be harangued with “YOU SHOULD’VE COMMENTED” or “YOU SHOULD’VE REBLOGGED” - none of that stuff is required to participate in fandom; nobody owes comments or reblogs, and creators have to be okay with that.  we can discuss and/or lament the structural factors that encourage or discourage participation, by all means, but ultimately we have to recognize that nobody is actually required to respond to things we make.  it’s fandom.  we’re all here by choice, and people’s participation levels are their own business. 

and anyway, i know that lots of authors actually love getting kudos on their work, so my experience isn’t universal, by any means.  it’s just a function of my own personal background, and the communities i used to run in - i speak for no one but myself and my own fannish life.

.

and besides, the entire debate about kudos/comments and like/reblog disparities doesn’t come anywhere near the underlying issues.  it’s sometimes framed as “people not participating in fandom appropriately” (and that’s completely unfair; there’s no wrong way to do fandom when you’re not hurting anybody) as opposed to “what is it about our platforms that encourages or discourages participatory fan culture.”  like - the only reason we even need to talk about the importance of reblogs vs. likes is because tumblr makes it so darn hard for a person’s stuff to be seen by the “right” people!  reblogs are the only way for someone’s work to spread, and even then it’s kind of like throwing a handful of darts at a board and praying one of them will land in a well-connected spot.  if a platform like tumblr were set up differently, we wouldn’t even need to have this conversation - there would be places to post your work where people would be specifically looking for content like what you were making.  you could make those fannish connections more easily.

*** important to note, too - it’s always worthwhile to remember when reading these “back in the old days” nostalgia posts that pre-tumblr spaces had drawbacks of their own.  livejournal was not some fannish utopia, by any means.  there were, however, a few structural things from that era that i think were helpful influences on fan culture, and their absence here makes me miss them.

but anyways.  those are just some thoughts.  and now i’m going back to my regularly scheduled posting, because i DO enjoy this place, even if the platform can be somewhat lacking sometimes - we still have to find a way to have fun, right?  that’s the entire point of being in fandom in the first place.

[the-gedonelune-times]

The Hunt Is On

It’s been a little while since the last time I’ve actually posted a story to my blog. But I’m really happy to present this sort of long one-shot fic. I got the idea after the recently released Romance Point slot in Wizardess Heart, I’m 99.9% sure that little plush is Felix and being the absolute lovestruck idiot I am for this man I just couldn’t help myself. So here’s a small story of Felix being a plush and showing his Tsundere side towards a certain red-haired wizardess.

“Hey, did you hear the big news?”

“Huh? What news?”

Gray and I were just leaving the book club session and were walking down the hallway when he brought it up.

“I guess there’s some rumour going around about a new magical creature.”

“S-Seriously?! That’s incredible! Is there a name for it yet?”

“Nope.” Gray shook his head with a smile. “Buuut I heard that whoever catches it will get to name it.” He added happily.

“Catch it? The poor little thing..”

“Huh? Just a second ago you were so excited.”

“I-I am, believe me. It’s just...well, if there are a lot of people trying to catch it, don’t you think it might be a little scared?”

“I suppose you’re right.” Gray put his hand under his chin and looked lost in thought. 

“Gray?”

“Ah, sorry, I was just thinking.”

“About?”

“Well, what if we were to catch it, but without chasing after it? Maybe it wouldn’t get so scared?”

“Oh, I like that idea! What did you have in mind?”

“A hole!”

“Gray!”

“Hear me out, Nadia. It’ll be a nice sized hole and I’ll even add cushioning to the bottom of it so that the creature won’t get hurt. Then, when I need to get it out, I’ll use a pail attached to a fishing pole and drag it up like a well!”

“Gray...I have so many questions about this, but the most important one is what are you thinking?! The poor thing would be even more terrified!”

“What if I offer it cookies?”

“Cookies can’t fix every problem.”

“Are you sure? I thought everyone liked cookies, I mean who doesn’t like cookies?”

“Gray…” I chuckled while watching him go on a tangent about cookies. 

“But seriously, I think my plan won’t fail.”

“I’m sorry to say, but Gray, I have my doubts about it.”

“Hm? Then what would you suggest doing?”

“Well I…”

Huh...what did I have in mind? It was true that I wanted to see the magical creature for myself, but I really didn’t want to go chasing after the poor thing or make it feel like it was in danger. I had to ponder my options carefully but alas, no such idea was popping up in my head at the moment.

“To be honest, I don’t really have a plan.” I sighed.

“That’s okay, maybe on your way back to the dorms you’ll figure one out.”

“Here’s to hoping!”

“What are you two talking about?”

“Uh-oh…” Gray laughed.

“Zeus? What are you doing here?”

“I came here looking for you two.”

“What for?”

“You’ve heard the big news right?”

“I just got done filling Nadia in about it.”

“Then you know why I need you guys.”

“Sorry, but I already have my own plan.” Gray responded confidently. “It’ll be sure to succeed!”

“Tsk! Well, what about you Nadia?”

“To be honest, I have a feeling your plan will involve a lot of chasing. Plus the last time you found a magical creature, you practically scared the living daylights out of it!”

“Come on, that was one time! Besides, I heard that if you catch the thing then the Headmaster will give us extra credit.”

“That’s just a hoax.”

A new voice had entered the scene and right behind Zeus came Elias who had his arms folded on his chest.

“Oh great.” Zeus rolled his eyes.

“You don’t seriously believe you’ll get extra credit for something like this, do you?”

“I sure do. If there’s a chance I can get that, then I’m taking it, I mean, you guys want the extra credit too?”

“Hate to break it to you Zeus, but I agree with Elias here. I highly doubt Headmaster Schuyler would provide students extra credit because they caught a newly discovered magical creature. You’d be in for the biggest scolding of your life, that’s for sure.”

“No way, seriously?! Are you here to suck the fun out of Goldilocks the third over here?”

“Hey!”

“I agree with them too, Zeus. I mean, we’re bound to get a scolding for it, a big one too. But I really want to see what this creature is all about.”

“So…” Zeus stared off into space, trying to process everything Gray said. “So are you on my side or not?”

“Nah, I’m on my own side. Team Gray!”

Gray began waving his free hand around as if he had an invisible team spirit flag in his hand.

“Tsk. Fine then. I’ll just get Hiro and Lucious to help me out with this. Oh and don’t come crying to me when I bring home the creature and actually get extra credit, I won’t be sharing nothin’ with you guys.”

Zeus huffed before practically storming away, leaving just Elias, Gray and I to shake our heads and proceed walking down the hall.

“Oh yeah, I wanted to ask before, but what are you doing here, Elias?”

“Oh, I was in the Archives looking for something. On my way out I heard voices and, specifically Zeus’ and thought he was up to no good again.”

Gray began to laugh. “That’s totally understandable. Everyone in the Night Class usually pop their heads out of the classroom when Zeus starts going on a rampage. It’s like they know when he’s about to stir trouble. I just hope he never releases that foul beast in a classroom ever again.”

“Foul beast?”

“Which one? He has a lot at this point, him included.” Elias remarked.

“Vulcanaux.” 

The moment that word came out of Gray’s mouth, we all let out a shudder.

“I can’t believe he’s still summoning dangerous beasts like that.”

“Seriously? I can.” Elias interjected.

The three of us continued our little walk and talk session before heading our separate ways. Gray was going to go to the Night Class cafe and Elias offered to walk me back to the dorms. We discussed some prefect things, like deciding what kind of upcoming classes we were going to teach and so on and so forth. The topic of the magical creatures was brought up again too and much to my surprise, Elias admitted that he wouldn’t mind catching a glimpse of the mysterious new magical creature. It wasn’t every day that you got to see something as rare as that. 

When we reached the dorms, Elias and I said our goodbyes before splitting off. The moment I reached my room, I unceremoniously dropped my bag to the ground and lazily plopped down on my bed. I was exhausted from classes and the fact that I couldn’t get the thought of the magical creature out of my head wasn’t helping matters at all. 

I ended up lying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling for a few hours, unable to find the will to sleep. Too many thoughts were running through my head at the same time and no matter how many times and methods I tried, they just wouldn’t stop. I had even grabbed a pillow and screamed into it, thinking that in some way, all my pent up tiredness would come crashing into me, spoiler alert, it didn’t. The hours ticked by and before I knew it the sun’s early morning rays of light came pouring in through the window. I realized now that it was far too late to try and sleep now, so I decided to go ahead and get ready for classes. 

Perhaps a nice cold shower will wake me up? I thought it sounded like a good idea at first, but boy was I wrong. In the end, I just became this cold shivering mess who couldn’t stop shaking enough to even do my hair or put on any makeup to conceal my sleep heavy eyes. Screw it, I’ll just have to leave my hair down for the day and just put on a little bit of concealer under my eyes, assuming I could. I gave one more look in the mirror and gave a satisfied nod. It wasn’t the best work, but it would have to do for now.

When I stepped outside of the dorms, I noticed that the whole Academy seemed lively; well, livelier than usual that is. I saw Guy walking up ahead and quickly raced to catch up to him.

“Good morning, Guy.” I smiled.

“Oh hey, good morning Nadia!”

“Everyone seems to be in super high spirits, I wonder why?”

“Word through the grapevine is that everyone is desperate to catch some new magical creature. Everyone on the Ladilz team was talking about it and even went so far as to come up with ‘fool-proof strategies’ to catch it.”

“Wow…”

I watched as students raced around; a competitive aura was beginning to fill the air.

“I wonder what Schuyler thinks of this.”

“No one knows.” Guy shrugged. “It seems like he’s kept silent since the rumour was first introduced.”

“Strange..”

Guy nodded in agreement. “Very.”

Augustus had walked up to us a little while later and he and Guy walked to class, leaving me to walk by myself. Which was okay by me, besides, I still had a lot on my mind, so much so that I hadn’t realized someone had been screaming at me until I felt a pair of arms pull me from my thoughts and away from a rather big hole in the ground.

“Nadia? Did you not hear me screaming at you to watch out?”

I looked up to see Gray’s face hovering over mine, a look of worry clouded over and when I looked down, I noticed that I was sitting on the ground, just mere inches from the hole. Gray’s hands still wrapped around my waist and I began to feel my cheeks go warm.

“No, I-I suppose I was too far gone in my thoughts to have noticed. I’m sorry.”

“That’s alright.” He smiled. “Just please keep an eye out on your surroundings.”

“R-Right. Umm…” 

“Hm?”

“Do you mind..?”

“Huh - Oh!” 

Once Gray realized what I was getting at, he quickly released his hold on my waist and scurried back a little bit. He ran his hands through his hair and chuckled awkwardly.

“Sorry about that.”

“It’s alright…” 

I quickly got back onto my feet and dusted off my skirt before offering my hand to help Gray back up to his feet.

“Gray...did you do this?” I asked curiously.

“The hole? Sure did!”

“What? Gray!”

“I told you I was going to make one yesterday, remember?”

“But out here near the courtyard?! Lots of students and professors walk through here.”

“Yeah…” Gray began to chuckle nervously. “I didn’t think about it until it was too late.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, I mean that Klaus, Elias and Schuyler fell through the hole, along with some other students.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Heh heh, you should have seen the look on their faces, especially Schuyler, man was that priceless. Ah… but after Schuyler fell in he gave me the scolding of a lifetime and I had to cancel my plan. I was about to fill the hole up but then I saw you walking towards it without a care in the world.”

“So much for you’re ‘fool-proof’ plan, huh?”

I received a flick to my forehead from Gray who was pouting.

“First of all rude! Second of all, I haven’t given up yet, I’ll just put a new hole somewhere away from here. I’ll even call it ‘Operation rabbit-hole’, it’ll be sure to succeed this time!”

“Gray…” I sighed.

I couldn’t change Gray’s mind, but I could help him fill up the hole before more chaos was made. Afterwards, I left for my first classes of the day, which seemed to be shorter than usual, in fact, the whole day was shorter. I guess I hadn’t realized that today was a half-day, what a relief it was to find that out.

“Maybe I can finally take a nap…”

“Miss Zaidelle? Is there something you wish to share with the class? Or perhaps you know the answer to my question?”

“Urk…could you...repeat the question by any chance?” I smiled nervously and was greeted to Schuyler’s annoyed sighs.

“Honestly, Nadia, if you’re not going to pay attention in my class, then you’ll have to make yourself useful by staying after and cleaning up the room.”

“W-What? Oh, come on!”

I heard snickers coming from the other side of the classroom, causing me to slump down even further in my chair and wait for this nightmare of a class to end already. Even though the bell rang, I still had to stay back while everyone left. Elias gave me a quick pat on the back and told me everything will be fine and that he would buy us some drinks at the Night Cafe later. I forced a smile and thanked him, and when he left I let out a sigh while I grabbed the nearby broom and began sweeping. 

A couple of hours had passed and I had the room looking spotless, everything had been wiped down, cleaned and organized. I stood there and admired my work, feeling rather proud of myself before grabbing my stuff and heading outside. The warm air and cool breeze felt so nice on my skin that I couldn’t help but yawn. The sleep that had been plaguing me all morning was finally taking over and suddenly the thought of taking a nice nap on the lush grass sounded wonderful.

In fact, that’s exactly what I was going to do. I found a nice open area with a good amount of shade. It was close to the lake so I could hear the sound of the soft ripples in the water when the Lune fish moved around. It was enough to lull me to sleep, which I was about to do had it not been for something that caught my eye. It looked like a small creature, almost like a stuffed animal. It had two small horns, ears, a fluffy tail and it was wearing such a cute little outfit!

“Oh, how adorable!”

The words came spilling out of my mouth before I knew it and that’s when I saw the creature suddenly take off in a sprint out to the courtyard.

“Oh no...was...was that the magical creature?!” I suddenly jumped to my feet, realizing the danger that poor thing was going to get into, especially if Zeus got a hold of it. “Wait, come back!”

Though I was exhausted, I somehow managed to run at full speed after the creature. I felt bad chasing after it, especially since I knew it was already scared, but I just had to make sure it was going to be alright.

“Hey, Hiro, look over there!”

Zeus’s voice suddenly rang out like a bell; clear as day. I knew that I wouldn’t have much time to get to the little creature, Zeus was awfully fast…

“Oh hey, look how small it is.”

I heard Hiro’s voice, which was sounding closer than ever before and when I looked up ahead, I saw the two of them cornering the small creature who looked absolutely terrified.

It’s now or never! I quickly rushed in, running as fast as my legs could carry me on the wavering stamina I had left. I quickly scooped the creature in my arms and ran while I held the timid creature to my chest.

“Nadia!”

“Get back here!”

Hiro and Zeus began sprinting after me, their footsteps sounding closer each second. I knew that they would outrun me, so I did the first thing that popped in my mind.

“Sorry about this!”

I cried out before tightening my grip on the creature with one hand - freeing my other hand - which I used to send an ice blast to the ground, which caused Zeus and Hiro to fall flat on their butts.

“Dammit!”

I could hear Zeus cry out from a distance while I continued running. After a short while, when I thought it was safe, I felt my legs buckle and I found myself on the ground breathing hard from exhaustion. I looked down at my arms and smiled knowing that the creature was safe and sound.

“I’m glad you’re alright.” 

I gently put the creature on the ground and went to pet it, only for it to bite my arm!

“H-Hey!” 

I began waving my arm almost wildly, trying to get the creature to release my arm, but it wasn’t working. At least it didn’t hurt…

“Come on, let go!”

But no matter how hard I tried, it just wouldn’t budge, in fact, it even growled at me when I reached for it again.

“Don’t touch me with such filthy hands human!”

Though the voice was a bit muffled, I could still make out the words.

“You can talk?!”

I looked down at the creature with shock. 

“Of course I can!”

It finally released its grip on my arm and took a few steps back with tiny little squeaks. It looked like it was glaring at me, but if that was the case then it was doing much of a good job.

“You’re…” I began to blush. “Gah, you’re so cute!”

“D-Don’t call me cute! I’m a dangerous creature I’ll have you know!”

“Not in the slightest.” 

I couldn’t take it! I ended up hugging the small creature only to have it begin hitting me while tiny little honks rang out.

“Unhand me right now heathen!”

“I-I’m sorry..”

I quickly put the creature back down and watched it sit right down in front of me. It clearly posed no threat, except through cuteness.

“I’m guessing you’re the new magical creature everyone is hyped up about.”

“What?”

“Yeah, everyone has been out to grab you and name you.”

“That’s ridiculous! Are humans all such morons, you included.”

“H-Hey!”

“Hmph. As if I’d let some human claim me like some stuffed animal. Ridiculous.”

“Then don’t wander out in big crowds.” I suggested. “Or it’ll happen.”

“Preposterous.”

“Well, you almost got snatched up by Zeus and he would have probably tossed you around like a ball.”

I watched as the creature made a derpy little face, it was like he didn’t know how to respond. I found myself laughing at the sight.

“What exactly is so funny to you?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just...the face you were making just now was pretty adorable.”

“Call me adorable again and I *will* bite your ankles, do you understand?”

“Pfft, go ahead, it won’t bother me.”

There it was again! Only this time the creature ended up falling back down on its butt after having gotten up just seconds prior.

“Truly, you’re one of the oddest I’ve met.”

“Hm?”

“Nothing. Forget it. Why did you even help me? Do you think I’m going to be grateful to you? Because I’m not!”

“No. I just felt sorry for you. You’re so tiny and you seemed so scared. I felt that saving you was the best option. Plus, at least now you’ll be safe here. The forest close by is filled with lots of other magical creatures, like the Winged Rabbits.” I smiled.

I watched as the being turned to look behind it, then it looked back at me.

“So you’re just going to let me go?”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

I watched the hesitation in its eyes as it got up. It looked back at me one last time before disappearing. I felt a strange sense of loneliness in my heart when it left. Did I happen to know that magical creature? It did feel familiar in some ways. Ah, perhaps it’s just my imagination. I began to shake the thoughts away and tried getting up to my feet, only to be hit by a wave of dizziness. 

Perhaps pulling an all-nighter was really getting to me. Maybe I should just stay here and take a quick nap, I mean there was no harm in doing so after all. Besides the grass felt like a soft cushion, mix that with the warm air and it made for the absolute perfect napping experience. With a soft yawn, I found myself giving into sleep before falling into a peaceful slumber.

As she dozed off, a certain creature had come back and now squeaked softly as it inched closer to her, careful not wake her. Particles of light surrounded its body and revealed their true form, a certain once hooded Dragonkin. 

“What a bother. This human truly is strange.” Felix let out a sigh as he scooped her sleeping body in his arms. “Yet she fascinates me. How bothersome…”

He averted his eyes and began walking in the direction of the dorms. He had a barrier of miasma that only he could see which concealed himself and Nadia from the eyes of anyone he walked past. As he got closer to the dorms he went around back and where his horns began to glow, creating a cloud of miasma which allowed him to float up to the balcony that he was sure belonged to her dorm. 

Once on the balcony, he opened the doors and slipped inside. His horns glowed again and the covers to the bed slid down, he then gently put Nadia’s body down and covered her up. When he stepped back he couldn’t help but stare at her sleeping face. How could humans be so terrifying and yet…

“Stupid human, making me feel such things…” 

Felix quickly left in a cloud of miasma, teleporting to who knows where. Meanwhile, Nadia had slept peacefully for a couple of hours before she woke up. She had woke up feeling well-rested but also confused. 

“How did I get back in my room..?”

Throwing the covers to the side, she got up out of bed and noticed that the sun was just now setting. She had woke up just in time to head down to the Night Cafe and was elated by the fact. She just couldn’t wait to go down and tell Gray and the others about the wonderful, yet strange dream she had.

[wetookanoath]

personal struggles, the fate of this and other blogs and apologies.

This year so far has been strange and not good for me and this blog. Some of you know my long history with hate in this fandom and while it’s always nice to hear your kind words, the hate I get is every day worse to the point I had to take off the anonymous option on this blog, my personal, the Library, the writing events and even the damn porn blog.

A few months ago I said I was gonna delete all blogs, and as promised I also deleted my twitter account, passed the instagram account to someone else (who hasn’t done anything with it yet), deleted other b*zzf*ed related blogs I ran, and left others I helped in.

I answered to every and all asks on this blog and the porn blog (most asks now on queue or drafts, waiting to be posted slowly to not spam), finished the event that didn’t went as good as it seemed and passed the administration of the Library to my personal account to never left it die down.

During this time, something happened in my personal life and I found myself in a very dark place I never thought I would go back to after it happened to me many years ago. But it did, and I had to dealt with it all over again, but this time there was a difference, this time I knew were to start and it helped me because I was able to ask for what I needed and get help.

I’m on meds again. I’m not proud of it and it... makes me angry that I’m ashamed to admit it. I’m making less money, lost a person, stopped writing, entered a rehab therapy for two weeks for depression (I didn’t tell anyone but my family, which won me a very long fight with my best friend and two of my best friends online), ended in the hospital last month. 

That long period I spent away from this blog, forgetting to answer replies I got e-mails for and the days of check-in and whatnot for the Exchange, god they were so good even with all that mess going on. I watched and read so many things, even if suffered not writing and other physical things. But I felt good, I really did. Which I think it’s why I was happy to get back here, just to find hate on my inbox yet again (from the same person as always, by the way. This woman really is the saddest person on the planet. Yes, it’s about you. I know you are reading this), and I really thought “why do I keep doing this to myself?”

And then weeks ago I finally realized why. And it’s because I like this show so much. I like the pictures and the stories, the chat group I’m in even if sometimes I feel like they don’t like me, and most important, in spite of all the hate we get here, I love the stories I write for this fandom, and my ship. I’ve never wrote this good, gotten the chance to improve and learn better english too.

I love the writer I am in this fandom and I have wrote so much these past few weeks, and all because I started to write shy*n again. 

So what do I do?

There are days when I forget this blog exists. It’s been so boring, this hiatus and how things have changed, the lack of content makes things dry and easier to forget. I just forget it exists, but then when I get in, it’s fun when there’s no hate. I find it entertaining to go into my blogs and tag everything properly, organize tag pages and make lists of films based on things, make edits, answer old asks I didn’t have time for before.

Since now that anonymous is off I don’t get any asks, I had have the chance to answer in depth so many things I had left behind before, it’s been fun. Like it used to be, January-July of 2018 came again to remind me of how things were before The Change. I enjoyed preparing this blog for my deperture, and I found myself not wanting to go.

My first thought after that revelation? “People is going to hate on me on anonymous for changing my mind”. Isn’t that fucking sad? That I have to condition everything I do so people won’t hate me on anonymous and say horrible things just because I complain bout things, then calm down and change my mind like any other normal person does on a daily basic... on my own, personal blog? 

So, so far, this is what will happen:

The blog reminds, since it’s also kind of an archive for this fandom with how much has been posted that I know it’s resourceful to people for all kinds of things.

Anonymous will perpeturally be off in all my blogs. The Library’s inbox will remain closed.

I’m still going to take my long periods of ignoring this blog, so I’m sorry if you sent me any qs and I don’t answer right away.

It will be on perpetual semi-hiatus, since I will come back once a week to answer things, tag stuff, stock the Library’s queue and the one on this blog.

About the updates, I’m just going to post things I would like to archive myself.

New fanfics/chapters of fics coming every Saturday until I’m done posting everything I wrote these weeks. I’m still writing, so I guess my day of the week to check replies, messages and asks will be on Saturday.

I don’t think I will be around for the new season, not the way I used to. I’m so gonna watch it, but no posts from me anymore. This is a big maybe, since I’m not sure of many things right now, especially with my health as fragile as it is right at the moment.

There’s, so far, 131 original posts on queue. These are: lists that were requested on this blog on such things like all episode Shane called Ryan ‘baby’, personal favorite shyan moments with links (I worked so much in this one, I ended up hating it), etc., edits from many things, included shoots found in old articles and so on, the ongoing ‘fave insta pics’ series of Ryan, Shane, TJ, Sara, Kelsey and the boys in other people’s instagrams, more favorite fanfic edits, and more buzzships edits. Also, a few headcanons, rec lists and solo recs.

Queue will post three posts a day, one original text, one reblog, one original edit. Texts are less than the edits, so when they are over, it will be two edits and one reblog. I will be stocking the queue during my weekly visit, so I don’t know if it will eventually run off original posts or not. 

Library reminds what it is, inbox closed until further notice.

Writing Events is over, though. I’m too tired for that. At least for a long break.

This really all depends on my health and how things are once the show is back. I miss the interaction a lot, so having lost the anonymous option it’s really a big bummer for me, and maybe to the people who did like to interact with me and the blog’s content in a positive way via this option. We’ll see.

And finally, I want to apologize not only for the long of this but for my negative reactions months ago. It was wrong, childish at times and out of character. I didn’t realize I was getting bad, and when I did it had already gotten worse. I can now look at all those desperate posts and see how bad I really was at keeping it together and how desperate I was to be okay. 

While I still believe I didn’t deserve the harassment I was getting, I should had never given onto it and answer back. I shouldn’t. It was not only bad for me, but to the people who followed/follows this blog and engaged into the negativity too. 

I caused that by acting exactly how the hateful people wanted me to, and instead of showing myself as the imperfect human being I am, all people saw was a crying girl asking to be appreciated and loved back. And the reality is that forcing those things to happen won’t make it any better, on the contrary, it makes it worse.

All those times I said, “why does people have to insult me for you to care about me?”, it was because I made it happen. I decided to posts those answers and reply to the hate, and it made people, worried by my answers and the tone of them (yeah, I was pretty suicidal and paranoid, I didn’t realize until recently), send their support. It made it look like that was the case, that I needed to be hurt for people to appreciate me.

But now, I don’t post those things. Had to shut down anonymous asks. And last week I got one ask, just one, of someone saying they love this blog. There was no reason for it, just someone who saw me online and send in their positivity. And it was the best thing in the world, those short words, the best ones.

So yes. My sincere and deepest apologies to everyone, involved or not, for having acted, well, toxic in the past months. Hopefully, it won’t happen again. Meds, no anon and semi-hiatus will make a difference, I hope. And things will be fine.

Thanks for the support, the kindness and the love. And thanks for reading this bible.

Love you,

Nina.

[sozotohakai]

Chris Love Letter

In theory it is like follow forever posts, but Love Letter felt more fitting~

It’s also been forever since I’ve done something like this, it’s high time I bury with love people!

Do know I’m honestly awkward with this kind of thing, my mind likes to blank out when I try to actually word compliments. Taking my time helped, but yeah, the Chris is awkward with words, would you believe that.

Read more because, as you might guess, it got long.

Organizing was hard because the “lines” are very thin, and everyone in this list has made a different impact on me. You’re all people I’m happy to have met, and enjoy whichever level of interaction we have~

Heart Family

Those who carved their way deep into my heart~

@skyfullofashes : We’ve called each other pack for a while now (and gosh I dont even recall how it was before knowing you), I’m so happy to know you and anytime I hear about anyone who hurt you, past or present, I feel my inner dragon twitch. You’re so lovely, you’ve been there for me so often, and I wish more people took the time to get to know you, you’ve been hurt so often and I deeply wish for you to receive love, I’m certainly going to make sure you never forget you’re part of my family. You’re loyal, you don’t take nonsense, and we’re both exactly the kind of people who can be hurt by others, find ourselves in situation where, for some reasons, others will hurt us. But that’s why we understood each other very early, and why I’ll do my best to always be there for you <3 Don’t get me started on how creative you are, especially with Heaven&Hell. I feel like I’ll never know enough, and I’ll always want to hear more about it, and all your ideas. I still feel awed at how much our Kanda&Allen developped, how much I love our Yullen, and melt at all the family feels with Michael and everyone.

@ask-cross-marian : I feel like we know each other so much, yet it is fun to realize that most that we know of each other, slipped through as we spazzed and chat and yelled about our muses. It feels so nice and so natural, how we just, slotted into place, as rp partners and as friends. I legit can’t remember a time I didn’t know you. You’ve certainly been there for me quite a few times, and I do hope I’ve given to you back, and that you know you are part of those I hold dearest and I’ll always be there for you. We’re both hilariously able to poof away for a while, and yet we always come back, and this is such a nice feeling. I love when you talk about your muses&OCs, and all our interactions make me a puddle of melted fluff. We also often ended up joking around, and I adore this so much!

@piamio : Sometimes I still recall when I was following you, thinking about I’d love to befriend you, and I marvel that it did happen, that we started talking and connected so well together. You always do your best, to feel you improve, to feel you’re doing better, and I see it happen and hope you can see it too. You’ve always been good, but I’ve seen you notice things, realize things, and I’m happy for you, and wish you the best. You’re a lovely person, a great artist, you’re creative, you have ideas for stories as much as you have talent for arts, and talent that seem within us is great, but you’ve also worked hard for your talents and you should never forget that. I feel offended for you when anyone so much as suggests you aren’t doing enough, or not doing well. I want to take them, shake them, and have them see you as I see you.

@alteriius: Among my heart family, I do believe we’ve known each other longest (no, no, I didn’t totally checked my archive to make sure; as it is its indeed in the first two/three weeks I had made Allen’s blog that we started threading!). It’s always been easy talking with you, and you’ve always made me feel safe. We’ve joked together, vented together, helped each other, and sometimes I still spazz with the hope&wish you’ve felt as happy knowing me as I am knowing you. I’ve lost contact with a lot of people once they stopped rping, and so I felt glad when it didn’t happen with us; but then again, I already knew long ago that to rp or not rp woudln’t change anything. I find it very funny, in a good way, that at some point we shifted to the group chat and stayed there, when I want to share with you I share with you both. Sometimes we’ve used our 1x1 chat I think? But yeah, its so fun how we just, went there and stayed there. That might be because we’ll tend to spazz a lot, and we happily spazz us three.

@skytroops : Gosh, I have to wonder, how many years has it been since we first met? I know I made Satoshi years ago for the first time, and I guess the best way to guess is whether or not you’ve known me when I was still in college, or recently out of college. My bet, however, is that we met somewhere in 2013. I certainly recall, however, how much fun we’ve always had speaking about our muses, about our verse, how much we built together, so much that even now, TR!Satoshi still exist as a muse (if now small). And even with hiatus, we never stopped coming back at each other. I hope you know you’re friend for life, someone I very much took under my wing and into my pack <3

Dear Friends

Those who I deeply appreciate and care about, not far from being heart family too~

@chibi-usapyon : We’ve gotten along so well, and it’s so fun how much we can chat about anything and everything. You’re so, lively and friendly, it feels like you have every positive/fun way of approaching, the way you chat always make me feel like you are a bubble of happy energy. It feels like we’ve been bonding well and it’s gotten stable, like you know, the initial thrill has shifted to a calmer thrill. I do have a hard time opening up, and because people have often be friendly, I don’t quite realize I’m considered a friend until I’m told. I’ve always enjoyed our chatting, I knew I wanted to chat with you more, but when you first clearly told me you saw me as a friend, I paused and felt a bubble of happiness. You’re my friend too, and I’m glad we met!

@lascivus : Can we take a moment to tease a certain person about how I’m pretty sure we’ve known each other more through our common friend than by chatting? We’re admitedly both shy, and I can recall at the start, I was shy to chat with you, and in the group chat. But soon enough, and totally through nerding, it just felt natural. That’s probably why I always end up in the group chat, I want to share with you as much as I share with Allen and so, group chat! But I do know you, through chatting and twitter and dash, and I’m awkwardly bad at realizing if someone consider me so, but I hope you don’t mind that I call you a dear friend~

Lovely people

Those I know in various degrees, that I’m glad to have met, who I love when I chat with them, and simply to see them~

@avellaturortem : You’re one of the few people that I’ve rped with for a while who is still around, and I’m super glad we still regularly talk, and I enjoy so much our threads, all the ideas we’ve thrown at each other. If you ever need, I’ll always be happy to listen to you about anything~

@manadcampbellrpblog : You’re such a sweetie, and I’ve seen how you sometimes feel shy to speak to me, but I hope you know you can always talk to me, and come back to me. I’ll always be happy to see your replies, but more importantly I’m glad to chat with you. You’ve always been very sweet, and I can practically feel how nervous not being an english speaker make you. I still recall when english wasn’t as easy as it is now, but never be afraid to speak and try and learn!

@shensheng-aoman : Listen, I don’t think we quite expected for Talon&Allen to slay us with adorableness, but they do and I love when we chat about them, but also just to chat with you. You’re lovely and it’s always a pleasure to see you around. Sometimes I spazz so much while wondering if it’s okay, but then I see you tell me you enjoy it, and I welcome you to spazz with me too~

@shuoshuzhe : The moment you told me you also knew DGM, I swear I grinned so hard. You’ve been adding so many muses too, and I know I’ll eye them sooner or later more. We’ve gotten some great threads started, and I’m eager to do these and more in the future. And then before we knew it, we’ve gotten deep into chatting MDZS, and I love this so much, and I feel like we’ll have fun chatting about anything and everything!

@moon--wake : I hope you are doing good! I initially only knew your JL but then I saw more of your muses, and the plot we’ve started have been great! It’s always been fun talking to you, and planning with you, I’m sending you all my best wishes <3

@forlorninquiry : I love so much our storyline, I think you’ve seen how I can suddenly spazz out of nowhere about it, but that’s because I do enjoy talking with you. I love seeing you on dash, and I love seeing how you write and talk of LWJ!

@dishengs : I remember you’ve been on the first rper in MDZS I met, and you’ve got such a lovely way of expressing WWX. It’s been fun letting Allen meeting him, and I’ll always be open to plot. You feel so friendly and so nice, and it’s always a pleasure to see you on dash!

@crowleiii : Krory and Allen are so sweet, one day we shall have them say brother in threads; and I enjoy how we chat about DGM, throwing theory around, slaying our feels more than half the time. I’m always glad to chat with you, and see you around!

@taoqidetuzi : You’ve been super friendly, very easy to talk to, and it feels fun to chat with you, and plot with you!

@ghostfluted : We haven’t talk as much yet as I have with other people, but you’ve felt from the start friendly, and I certainly enjoyed plotting with you!

@crystallizecrimsonbutterfly : Some day I’ll think of sending messages first to you, you always leave little messages for me sooner or later, and I always have a smile when I see you’ve done so. I’ve always enjoyed writing with you, and your Lenalee, I’ll happily continue threads or just plot the next event with you whenever you want; and I hope you’ve been doing good!

@dannyikigay : I couldn’t not give you some love (except tumblr being mean but that’s why I linked you), we’ve often talked with a share loved of a certain pairing as well as simple chatting, and we more often now see each other in the discord server (although I’m, ghostly a lot XD), but know you’re always welcomed to talk with me~

@ginnomme : One of the few people I know ship my rarer ships, and we’ve chatted a lot, it’s always fun and lovely when we do. I’ve seen you need time for yourself, but know I do think about you and I hope good things for you!

[starbuck]

Statement of Hypocrisy, or How Listening to Yet Another Eva Cassidy Song Made Me Realize I Was Being an Idiot

sO my blog here kind of runs as a never-ending saga detailing whatever the hell I happen to be thinking at any given time. I don’t really go back and delete/edit old posts meaning that, if you looked back two or, god forbid, three months through my archives, I probably wouldn’t agree at all now with the points I was making back then. 

Overall I’m sort of fine with this? Like, on one hand, it probably wouldn’t hurt to clean my blog up a bit but, on the other hand, it’s kinda nice to have a record of my progressing thought-process even if some of my older posts are now in conflict with my current thoughts or just plain misinformed. Especially considering the fact that like... my personal opinions on the terror aren’t important and definitely aren’t hurting anyone so misinfo or bad takes aren’t the end of the world.

HOWEVER I’ve been thinking about certain Things I’ve said relatively recently and I want to make not so much a correction but an addendum. [Gonna put the rest under a read more because it’s gonna be One Of Those Posts, y’all... I’m so sorry]

So, everyone on here has their fun. I think that’s an incredibly fair statement. I hope that no one (at least in my circle of frens) uses this site because it isn’t, in some way, fun for them. I know I have a lot of fun on here for sure. But also, concerning the terror, I have a lot of complex, serious thoughts and I like to really mull them over and try to come to conclusions about characters and situations not just based on my personal taste but through a (slightly) more objective lens. 

Am I successful in this? God knows... Probably not. But I try and it’s fun for me in its own way, even if it sometimes ends in me coming away with different thoughts about characters than I’d like to have. Sometimes I just want to turn off any “deep” thoughts and have fun and I definitely do that occasionally but I’d say, overall, it’s hard for me to do, particularly when I’ve come to a mostly negative conclusion about a character.

And, of course, all of this is leading us back to Hodgson because of course it is. Clearly I have issues with him. Depending on my mood, I may cut him more slack than at other times but I think I laid out a pretty good, detailed case as to why I don’t like him a few weeks ago. The problem is that my reasons for disliking him are not unique to him.

I guess that, no matter how many times I watch the terror, I’m just never going to be able to remember everything. Such is the curse of my horrible memory that I can’t pretend isn’t, subconsciously, a bit selective. But, for one reason or another, I remembered a certain something which caused me to remember other things which all led me to the uncomfortable conclusion that I was sort of ‘accidentally’ playing favorites (or un-favorites, in this case). 

It’s not that I think that my thoughts about Hodgson are wrong, it’s just that I can’t apply that reasoning for disliking him and willfully ignore when it works for others as well. 

And the thing is I don’t want to talk about that. You’ll notice that I haven’t been specific in what I’m referring to because 1) I think y’all are smart enough to extrapolate that without me further humiliating myself and 2) listing out why terror characters are BAD due to my weird internal thinking just isn’t fun for me.

I have to admit, it was sort of fun to do it when I was talking about Hodgson but maybe that’s a problem? Maybe treating him as a scapegoat for all of my issues when he’s not the only one with those issues is unhealthy or at the very least in bad faith to argue? It’s probably not that deep but regardless, I think that the best thing to do is to just keep such judgments to myself unless I’m willing to publicly carry them to their furthest logical extents. 

Not to say that I’m not still gonna joke around and all that but when it comes to being serious about that stuff, I’m a hypocrite if I let everything I said before stand uncritically and without this clarification.

What really drove this home for me was listening to Eva Cassidy’s acoustic cover of “People Get Ready” which defines the “hopeless sinner” as someone who’s “hard on mankind just to save his own” and, while I think ‘hopeless sinner’ is a bit overdramatic if we’re applying this to the terror, it did make me stop and think a little harder than I had about what criteria I was using to make personal judgments about terror characters and how fair I was being in dispersing it.

So yeah, thanks for reading to anybody who made it through this silliness and, in the future, I’m gonna think harder before making any Points about characters to make sure I’m being as fair as possible at all times.

[samwise-though]

Sabrina’s Top Ten

This is a little bit (a lot bit) out of my blog’s wheelhouse, but I ask you guys to bear with me! For one of my seminars, I have to do a Top Ten project, in which I talk about ten different things relating to Pop culture, music and/or theory. So, if you don’t want to read this, that’s fine! I’m putting the bulk of the post under the cut!! This is basically just me commenting on how weird pop culture is, and fangirling about Taylor Swift.

(Sorry Dr. Burke, you’re absolutely going to have to read about Taylor Swift, and I am realizing that after Adorno I’m incredibly cynical about popular culture now)

#1: Taylor Swift: Archive, Collecting and Identity

I think as I began this year, there was this feeling of necessity to blast off with the song “22” from @taylorswift​’s album Red. All the way back in 2012 little fifteen-year-old Sabrina knew that when she turned 22, she would be playing that song All. Day. Long. 

Here’s the thing though: while yes, I did listen to “22” more than any of the other songs on Red that day, I also spent a lot of time listening to the rest of the album as well. I came to the realization that I could identify with the album better than ever. There was something so profound about the way @taylorswift​​ captured that moment in time, in her life, and have it still remain so relatable. I spent a long time considering this, but it wasn’t until I encountered Jean Baudrillard’s The System of Objects that I really began to find a way in which to understand what was happening for me (and undoubtedly many others, considering Swift’s success). In chapter two: “A Marginal System: Collecting” Baudrillard references Maurice Rheims’ ideas of collecting for children, “For children, collecting is a rudimentary way of mastering the outside world, of arranging, classifying and manipulating”. Ultimately, collecting is a way in which we learn to form identity - and what is an album, if not literally a collection of music that in and of itself acts as an ultimate tool of identity construction? I’ve been listening to @taylorswift​​’s music since her official 2006 debut. That is a lot of time spent self-identifying with a musician and her music. Constructing even part of your identity from something that is a collection that is very much a large part of someone else’s identity is such a weird concept. Why do we do that? 

Even more interesting though, is the fact that Taylor has said on multiple occasions, that her albums are like diary entries (not to mention the great number of other people drawing that particular comparison). Thus making each album that she has released up until this point a small archive, collecting and ordering that point in time. Either way, @taylorswift​​ continues to find success in creating archival collections that are reflective or refractive of her own identity.

With the release of Lover and the inclusion of her diary entries as an addition to the deluxe versions of the record, it follows in the history of including controlled snippets of her life in the physical copies of her albums. From the first five albums, she included secret coded messages within the lyrics of each of the songs. In 1989, Taylor included copies of polaroids with lyrics written across the bottom of them, each numbered - so you knew you got certain ones, and not others. As well, starting from 1989 @taylorswift​​ has also included voice memo recordings from her writing and recording sessions, so that fans can have a better understanding of her creative process. 

All of these details add to the personal feeling that @taylorswift​‘s albums seem to emanate. This feeling is only magnified through the additions of the diary entries in Lover (deluxe). Each album is a carefully constructed archive of @taylorswift​‘s life, that her fans then go on to add to their own ‘Taylor Swift collections’ and continue to alter their identities through the new piece of the collection that she has created.

#2: The Reproducibility of Childhood

If there is anything in recent memory that should be considered with Benjamin and mass-reproducibility in mind, Disney and the company’s capitalizing on re-making all of their old animated films should be discussed.

They did this really clever marketing tactic in which they pretty much re-do the original trailer they released for the original movie, shot-for-shot with the new film footage:

I will admit it didn’t work quite as well with the 2015 version of Cinderella, in which they altered a greater amount of the story, as compared to The Beauty and the Beast. Obviously, the trailer that has found the most success thus far with this tactic, was the most recent release of The Lion King.

What is the most intriguing thing is that Disney is embracing the past iterations of the movie, basically just repackaging the old story in (for most of the movies) live-action acting rather than animation and selling the audience very nearly the same exact thing. And not only are they very blatantly reselling the masses the same thing, but they are also saying, with these side-by-side trailer comparisons that “hey, look, we're doing this thing exactly the same way” and without question, we buy into it because it is familiar and feels of childhood. Having read Adorno’s Culture Industry Reconsidered, I feel as though we should really be taking a moment to question why we are allowing Disney to amass so much capital from movies that we have already seen. By drawing on our cultural memory of these movies that were so fundamental to many children in Western society growing up, Disney is literally monetizing our childhood memories. It is just as Adorno says, “The culture industry fuses the old and familiar into a new quality.”

While these movies get a shiny new paint job, it is still blatantly the old and familiar.

But I guess Disney has always been about capitalizing on memory.

#3: The ‘Classics’ and Aura

I have spent a lot of time over the past year, shaping my identity. I made a lot of life-changing decisions, one of which was to go to grad school. It was not a quick decision, and it more or less happened over the span of a year, during an English course I took. The class was a lecture on Victorian and Edwardian literature. I found myself really fascinated by the Victorian novels that we started the class with. When we got to Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the d’Urbervilles I was a goner.

I fell in love with Hardy’s story and my love for the Victorian and 19th-century studies only solidified further throughout the semester. However, my entire experience at the university has been plagued with serious imposter syndrome. Thoughts of how “I don’t belong here,” and that “I don’t really know what I am talking about” were the soundtrack playing in my head every single day. I was always worrying that I had grossly misunderstood the texts we were studying, my interpretations were wrong, and that I would make myself look like a fool. All of these feelings, when analyzed at a later time, were all rooted in the idea that we were studying ”The Classics,” narratives that were part of the Western Literature Canon. How could I possibly understand literature that was considered “Great”?

There is a constructed aura around the literary canon that is also extended to the place in which that canon is taught. A very elitist feeling that has been cultivated since the beginning of higher education. For me, when making the decision to continue my university education by taking the leap to apply for Grad schools, this aura only grew - to the point in which it almost feels that it will be impossible for me to get into a graduate program. It feels as though Graduate programs are meant for a specific group of people - and somehow I am evaluating myself to not fit into that group. 

But what exactly is it that still continues to be such a fundamental influence over the population that University is considered elite, and those narratives should be the ones to makeup Western Literary Canon? Is the legacy of Colonialism still so etched into our ideas that we literally still believe that the novels that a bunch of white dudes agreed were good are the be-all-and-end-all of good literature?

What’s bothersome about this is, I didn’t get to start asking those sorts of questions, and experiencing a wider array of literature until I reached my upper-level seminar courses, for my honours degree. 

Courses that you cannot take unless you are a part of the honours program.

Ironic isn’t it? The elitist aura can only be questioned from well within the elitist institution.

#4: The Avengers: [Streaming]Game

Marvel’s first cycle has now come to an end with Avengers: Endgame. It’s odd to think just how emotionally attached the fans (myself included) have become to the superheroes that, many of which will not be returning after this installment in the Avengers franchise.

(Loki Gif included because bae deserved better - and a TV show that I have to pay for absolutely does not make up for it)

Marvel is now going to capitalize on certain character deaths (see above), by giving them TV series and prequel movies to help entice the masses that have been so invested in their stories up to this point in the cinematic universe. The problem is, though, any character receiving a show, it will only be aired on the Disney + streaming service.

The Disney + streaming service comes long after Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime and other streaming services have already established themselves. The issue that arises out of this system of individual streaming platforms, is that subscribers have to either subscribe to every new platform that arises or else to pick an choose which content they are willing to not have access to. It's a ridiculous system, and it will make it nearly impossible to have conversations with those around you because it should be a safe assumption at this point - ad if not now, certainly in the near future, that no, they probably haven’t watched it, because they don’t have access to it. 

This is obviously just a new way to control the products that companies produce. But it also brings to mind Benjamin and his ideas regarding mass production (”Work of Art”). Has the aura of the film been diminished because of the sort of re-producibility that come out of easy access (watching it any time you want), or, has there been a new mutated aura created for these films and tv shows because of the lack of access people may have to multiple platforms?

I guess we got what we wanted, easier way to access the tv shows and the movies we love, but at the cost of having to choose where we are willing to spend our money. It's a very Adornian thought, in that we wanted something, it was produced to the best possible economic value for the companies creating them, and then we continue to buy into the product. 

#5: Sparknotes and Memes

If you have a twitter account, and like literature, you should really check out SparkNotes’ twitter account.

They have become more and more popular over the last few years due to their use of the relatable internet language we know as memes. They, of course, are not the first company to engage with their users in such a way, many companies have been using social media to brand themselves in a very personable (and personified) way.

By doing this, they are making themselves appear more accessible to today’s youth, who are primarily influenced by what they see and interact with on the internet. 

There is something less sinister about SparkNotes utilizing the internet and memes to direct themselves to the younger audience - they are after all an educational aid group in which they are providing texts in more manageable and understandable terms. 

Other companies, however, like fast-food restaurants who utilize social media as though they are an individual rather than a company... That is quite a bit more insidious. 

 #6: Concert Movies

I want to return to music once again. But not in the traditional sense. I want to discuss concert movies.

There is something so weird about concert movies! They seem to exist in a separate space from actually attending a concert with live music and listening to the album. There is something very artificial in the sense that most of the time it feels very engineered, because of camera cuts and camera changes, and the difference in going from a front-row perspective to the camera shot cutting away to a wide shot so that the stadium is in full view. But then it also fulfils its purpose as “live music”. There is this sense in which it feels like you can’t look away, in case you miss something, even though you can pause it! 

It is a heavily controlled, or perhaps, curated experience. Realistically, there are so many different cameras that are recording the same moments, that in post-production they are able to choose the best possible moments to cut together to provide to the viewers (I avoid the word audience here, because there is, in fact, a physical audience that we as viewers of the movie, are separated from). 

I looked into the history of concert movies, and a quick google search led me to Pink Floyd: Live at Pompeii a concert movie in which Pink Floyd played a short set of songs to no audience and recorded it.

Which is an odd concept, especially when you think about how it inspired other artists to film concerts. 

That they played. 

To no one.

I could see with Pink Floyd it being more of an artistic venture, but more recent concert movies like: Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, Reputation Stadium Tour and Justin Timberlake + the Tennessee Kids all are more framed as giving the viewers the opportunity to experience the show, but still having them remain apart from it. Some of these concert movies feel as though they were produced to allow those who did not have the opportunity to attend the show in person the chance to experience what that might have been like, others are made with the intent to give the viewer a little bit more of the backstage/behind the scenes experience. What all of them have in common, however, is the opportunity for the artists to profit once again off of the shows that they have already played. 

Whatever the purpose is behind the movies being produced, they all are this weird experience of not-actually-being-there and knowing exactly what it would have been like to have attended. 

#7: Instagram: Curating the Self (Definitely inspired by Sophia’s Presentation) 

The Instagrams of popular artists are heavily curated to really emphasize their brands (”that’s very on-brand for you”), and who they are trying to portray themselves as. I feel as though no one really does this better than @taylorswift​. 

Shortly before she released reputation she wiped her Insta clean and started sharing gifs of different parts of a snake - a motif that she fully embraced for that particular era in her career. It was a practice she embraced again, leading up to the release of the first single of Lover. While she didn’t wipe her Instagram clean again, she did lead up to the release with little hints and teaser images that were all very inspired by the colour scheme and feel of the new album:

If you look at any artist’s Insta account you will find at least some of this curatorial work.

This brings us once again, back to the class on collecting, archiving and how collecting plays into identity construction. Each artist is curating their identity that they want to show the world (not unlike the discussion that we had involving Lana Del Rey and the front that she presents to the world, instead of her true self).

The work that goes into the Instagram account is mirrored in every public appearance, every show they play, and every interview they give. It is an odd concept when considering it in regards to the artist, but it becomes even weirder when we consider it in terms of just everyday people. We curate our lives on social media platforms to present ourselves in the best way possible. And we don’t have millions of people watching us while we do. Perhaps the hope is that the ideal that we portray could someday be reached, and that's why we continue to collect the images and videos to construct the ideal identity for ourselves.

While my life certainly isn’t very glamorous, I definitely do at least some curatorial work on my own Insta.

#8: Nostalgic Television

There has been a resurgence in the love of some older series like Friends and Gilmore Girls through the access to the full series on streaming platforms. Some of these shows have not aged very well (see: a good deal of Friends’ jokes), but the love for them continues anyway. 

Recently, tv shows such as those named above, have been branded as “nostalgic television” and has been slated to be psychologically beneficial to help with anxiety. 

But why do we remain so attached to TV shows such as these? Well, supposedly, just like the way we are drawn to watching the remakes of Disney’s movies as I mentioned earlier, it reminds us of our childhoods:

Will Meyerhofer, a New York-based psychotherapist and author, says watching our favourite old shows can be a useful tool for dealing with anxiety and mild depression.

"For my clients, these old shows are like the food they grew up with. 'The Brady Bunch' or 'The Facts of Life' or 'The Jeffersons' is like that beloved baloney sandwich on Wonder Bread with just enough mayo the way mom used to make,” he told TODAY.

 A recent Facebook post on The Mighty health community got hundreds of responses to the question: "What TV show from your childhood would you want to marathon-watch on a bad flare day?" The answers ranged from "The Waltons" to "Barney Miller."

That's because television from yesteryear can make us feel safe and secure in a world that feels increasingly chaotic.

“In therapy terms, it's an instant — and for the most part healthy — regression in the service of the ego,” Meyerhofer said, adding that he unwinds with old episodes of "Star Trek: The Next Generation.”

We long for a time when we felt safer, less stressed and when we were able to really enjoy the things we liked. TV shows that we watched as we were growing up provide us with the nostalgic fulfillment that we need to feel happy - even if it is just for the length of a thirty-minute Friends episode.

#9: Screen TIme 

 Something I noticed when I was watching Reputation Stadium Tour... for research... there was very few people who were actually just watching the show. There were many screens visible in the crowd at all times. 

Something that has become very prevalent in concert culture, is that you don’t actually experience the concert first hand, you view it through your phone screen, as you record. 

It is something that I have noticed myself doing, and have set the limitation of only allowing myself to record two songs out of the entire concert.

By viewing the concert through the recording, the actual experience of the concert is altered, and even though you are standing there in the room, you are participating at a distance, rather than being involved in the moment.

The need to record and to photograph, I would argue, comes out of the feeling of necessity to archive and sort every memory that we have. Concerts are special occasions and we don’t want to forget them - and if we don’t have a video or photo, did it really happen? We need to archive every moment so that we can go back to it later and remember how great it was. 

But how great was it really if you were staring at your phone screen the entire time?

#10: The Rise of KPop in Canada and the US

There seems to have been a shift lately in Western popular culture in which Kpop (Korean Popular Music) is now being considered more mainstream.

Groups like BTS have found success on Western pop charts, their collaboration with Halsey, Boy with Luv, peaked at #10 on Billboard’s hot 100. Other Korean groups like Blackpink and Twice are also making a name for themselves on Western pop music charts.

What is interesting is that Kpop doesn’t really follow the same frame that most of the Western pop does. A lot of Kpop seems to be more dance-influenced, thus influencing the music stylistically and opening a lot more interesting opportunities for music videos.

Kpop is something different and separate from what Western Pop is comfortable with, and what influence it will have on the framework of the norm will be very interesting to see. I do wonder what Joshua Clover would have to say about Kpop groups and their involvement in popular music, and whether or not he would classify them in with the “Abject, feminized, and inauthentic: *NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, and Britney Spears...[who] dominate the list of best first-week sales”(103). There is, after all, something about the rhythm-based and often synthesized melodies that are prominent in Kpop that feels like a call-back to boy bands and pop stars of the late 90′s and early 00′s

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Well, that is it for my top ten! If you made it to the end, and are not my Prof [who does have to read it all the way to the end - Hi Dr. Burke! You made it! ] Thanks for reading!! 

[azfellandco]

Hiya! So, please feel free to ignore this, but I just listened to Good Omens for the first time with considerable enjoyment, and I was wondering whether you have/know of any good fic rec lists for the book?

hi and welcome and i’m glad you enjoyed the book!! 

General

Something Ordinary by literature_and_ocean_waves (9k)

Summary: “You kidnapped the Antichrist?!”Aziraphale’s shrill screech echoed harshly throughout the dingy bookshop.

Crowley looked sheepishly at his expensive, snakeskin shoes. “Kidnap is such a strong word,” he said. “I rather like liberate.”

This is following what, if you ask me, is a plot this fandom can never write enough of: what if Crowley had kept baby Adam and he and Aziraphale had tried to raise him together? 

Never Mind the Gravitation by Argyle (2k)

Summary: Sure, there’s life on Mars. But Crowley can hardly call it living.

This is not as angsty as that summary makes it sound. …okay it is a little bit, but in a bittersweet kind of way, and it’s so funny as well. This is one of those fics that has the tone of the book down really well and it takes what I feel is an inherently sad concept (humanity moving off world and the places Aziraphale and Crowley call home changing again) and makes it feel hopeful and optimistic. Also scifi is my real true love so like… of course I love this fic. 

Even Without Looking by maniacalmole (18k)

Summary: Aziraphale gets requested by the heavenly court to prove that romantic love is real, and makes a valiant effort. He’s read about it so many times, in all the most romantic books. How hard could it be?

Everything maniacalmole has written is brilliant, funny, whimsical, and so in character, but this one is my favorite. 

Habitual by goingsparebutwithprecision (4k)

Summary: In which Crowley wears lipstick and Aziraphale is flustered.

The mutability of angelic/demonic gender and sexual presentation is one of my favorite things about these characters and about writing for them, and this fic is one of the first I read that got me really thinking about it. 

Guests On Memory Lane by Holoxam (5k)

Summary: “Whatever you go around telling yourself, angel,” Crowley said over his morning-coffee, “some of us have to work for a living. The girls and I can get into some shenanigans around the shops, you know.”Aziraphale looked up from his Telegraph, and sent Crowley a wary glance. He was torn between asking Crowley if he remembered his fruitless attempts at influencing the presumed antichrist back in the 1980’s, and sternly telling him off for even thinking about attempting to corrupt humans at such a young age.The Dynamic Duo babysit Anathema’s cousins for the weekend.

Crowley and Aziraphale being friends with Anathema? Yes, please. Crowley and Aziraphale taking care of children? Yes, please. 

Teen

Five Times Crowley Wanted Aziraphale by Mitsuhachi (3k)

Summary: Wanting and wanting and wanting, in many ways over many years.

This and it’s sequel, Five Times Aziraphale Wanted Crowley (The One More Night Remix) (rated M, mind the tags) are one of my favorite fics in this fandom. I love historical stuff especially that traces Aziraphale and Crowley’s relationship over vast tracks of time and this delivers on that in a huge way. 

here i am, leaving you clues by Lvslie (10k) 

Summary: It’s all the same burning bookshop, and I’m always inside shouting your name. 

[Aziraphale is recalled to Heaven, but leaving proves more difficult than anticipated. Written for the tumblr prompt: ‘Actually….I just miss you.’]

Another one that I just adore. This fic is poetry in all the best ways and I think about the summary line, “it’s always the same burning bookshop”, pretty much every day of my life. There isn’t a plot as such (or if there is I’ve forgotten it because I am mostly just focused on how beautifully written it is) but I highly recommend it anyway. 

Everything Leslie has written for this fandom is like this, actually, beautiful and poetic and sort of dream-like. 

Modern Love by punkfaery (7k) 

(I podficced this last year)

Summary: “The crux of it, Crowley decided, was that demons were not supposed to want.

Or – well, that wasn’t strictly true. Certain things, such as material wealth and the corruption of innocents and the eventual triumph of Hell over Heaven, and possibly Earth as well, were perfectly all right. The fact that he didn’t particularly care about any of these things just served to add a little extra salt to the wound.

It wasn’t a question of wanting. It was a question of wanting the wrong things.”

Crowley, Aziraphale, and a series of religious buildings.

No Pain, No…Loss? by NotASpaceAlien (7k)

Summary: Aziraphale has a horrifying realization and decides he needs to lose weight.

This is so goddamn funny. I love Aziraphale with all my heart but he is very foolish sometimes and this fic… is such a good instance of that. 

There’s No Pancake Too Big For My Heavenly Father To Flip by dwarvenbeardspores (6k)

Summary: After a few exceptionally busy months, the forces of Heaven and Hell attempt to outwit each other in Aziraphale’s kitchen.

That is, Aziraphale makes pancakes and Crowley eats them.

I love cooking, and cooking headcanons, and Aziraphale and Crowley cooking for each other. This fic is delicious. 

Read everything by this author, actually, everything they’ve written is wonderful. 

Mature

Goodbody by copperbadge (3k)

Summary: Aziraphael’s new body is causing some problems.

Again, I love a good exploration of the relationship between angels and demons and their bodies and this fic is so much fun on that count. 

Only Human by abstractconcept (9k)

Summary: Aziraphale loses his job. Humor/romance A/C

Fics exploring the fallout of Aziraphale and Crowley’s disobedience towards their bosses in trying to avert the apocalypse is definitely A Fic Type in this fandom and this one goes the route of “one of them is fired and turned into a human”. It even takes a humorous angle on this and not the obvious angst route. 

Explicit

fires of the flesh, both literal and figurative by mercuryhatter (3k)

Summary: Pretty standard “there’s a sex curse and Crowley has to have way too many orgasms or be discorporated” stuff.

Genderfluidity/trans Crowley!! Discussion of feelings!! Fuck or die!! What’s not to love? I really love this fic. 

No Cause for Alarm Clocks by HJ Bender (archived by the GO_Library_archivist) (2k)

Summary: A short story detailing one of Crowley’s infernal household gadgetries, and why he’ll never have sex in front of it ever again.

This is wild and funny and I have read it about thirty times. 

Figurative Language by alamorn (2k)

Summary: It’s two years after the apocalypse that wasn’t and the only thing that’s changed is Aziraphale’s dick. That is to say, he has one now.

A Classic. I have read this probably thirty times, as well. 

Rarefied Air by Vulgarweed (4k)

Summary: Earth is getting older, news is getting worse, and an angel has to go to extreme heights to get any peace and quiet at all. But as close as you can get to Heaven, you’re still never far from Hell. (Hell hasn’t frozen. Crowley nearly has.) Giftfic for Allthisnonsense in 2006 GO Holiday exchange. 

This is another author who has written a lot of really good stuff but this one is my favorite. 

And here is my ao3 as well, I’ve written a lot of GO fic in the last year. Here are some of the ones I’m most proud of. 

Where a Heart Would Fit Perfectly (Teen, 2k)

Summary: Aziraphale shrugged and gestured for Crowley to sit down, “I’ve come back from the battlefield; no need for all that muscle anymore.”

“You’ve gone a bit in the other direction, though, haven’t you?” Crowley said conversationally as he took a seat and flagged someone down for a drink. “You’re a bit… pudgy.”

In 600 BCE Assyria, two man-shaped beings meet up after a long absence.

Nothing Like The Sun (Teen, 6k)

Summary: One tended to go through a number bodies in six thousand years, even if one was as cautious or sturdy as Aziraphale. Crowley, who was neither cautious nor sturdy, had gone through a large number. He’d changed appearance so many times that in Aziraphale’s memory he was often just his eyes, for no matter if Crowley was tall or short, lithe or stocky, blond or raven-haired, his eyes stayed the same.

Touch Me Gently (Explicit, 2k)

Summary: Aziraphale had started manicuring his nails.

Yours, Truly (General, 3k)

Summary: A love in selected letters.

Snapshots (General, 2k)

Summary: Five photographs on the wall of Aziraphale’s shop. An expansion of a headcanon I posted on tumblr.

And that’s about what I got! Happy reading, anon. 

[jigensass]

Here we are (this is very long so TL;DR this blog is getting archived)

It’s been over a week since I’ve taken a hiatus and a few close people know about what has happened. And I have made a decision in response to an insight meditation retreat I took over the course of this weekend. 

 I’m going to be dropping roleplaying Stephen and possibly roleplaying altogether. 

First, after 5 years of this blog, you’re probably wondering why. Well, I woke up. 

Yes, I’m a talented writer and I can weave your fantasies into realities. Yes, I enjoy every single person I have written for. You’re not the problem. My writings are the problem that is hurting my lifestyle and it leads to toxic behavior. 

Ever since I decided to go into this hiatus and a few days prior, I’ve been peeling back that I am more sensitive than others to certain situations and at sometimes have the ability to as previously stated, weave fantasies into realities and make them feel as real as possible. This can be problematic when I get in too deep. So much as I have in the past without even realizing, begin to dissociate the line and my own reality and the one I made that I have fallen in love with. The two begin to crossover and I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it’s too late. This had led to multiple people getting hurt and I didn’t even know I was doing it.  Why has this been happening for so long and I’m noticing it after 26 years? Well, no one kind of stopped me or I didn’t notice because when I was younger I lived in my own little world. And that own little world became the internet and then the internet started converging with the little world and I didn’t know what to do except the one thing I knew best: make up stories and not even realizing it, they became my own little world. It’s how I coped and got away from the actual reality that I lived in (school, work, family, etc). 

Now how did Stephen come in? Well, (holy shit I’ve been in the sphere of Doctor Strange for 7.5 (8 years in the Marvel sphere) years now that’s the longest I’ve stuck to anything). There was a game on Facebook where I heard of him and at the time in 2010, there were only comics and the movie from 2006(7?) (I remember actually SEEING the commercial for the movie and asking ‘how is this guy a superhero he’s a doctor’ oh how my 13-year-old self was foolish). 

I fell in love with Stephen’s character for one reason: he had all the powers of a god, yet he was still human. It would take me another 5 years to realize where my path was actually headed with this magic man and the actual man named Benedict Cumberbatch. 

Along the way, since this blog was created and many rp threads later, there were many times I felt so absorbed into my work that even though I had an external life with friends and people I knew. It became...a problem. It was obvious when I began to piss off my friends in college for trying to gain this...atmosphere of Stephen Strange and then try to be myself. 

But I didn’t know who ‘Crystal’ was for...like ever. Only until after this weekend did I find out this answer (stay tuned). 

I kept trying different things, nothing felt good. I didn’t feel like a human being unless I was by myself clacking away at a keyboard and being absorbed with the Sorcerer Supreme who I (for the longest time) considered a reflection of who I was or what I wanted to be (at some point Magnus Bane got thrown into the pot in 2014 so that’s just a lovely stew...). It ate at me for years and I wasn’t even aware during points where I became lost that the parasite was there. The parasite was my power to get lost in worlds I created and then believe the world was still there in reality. And it (probably) hurt many real human beings in the process. 

And just recently I yanked that parasite off and threw it away. Realizing that seeing Stephen as a reflection is dangerous and will get me pulled into the looking glass if I don’t stop. 

So as of today for the sake of my mental health, this blog is being archived.

I’m not saying it was all bad. I wouldn’t be typing this because of roleplaying with one person in particular who, even though my coworkers were slapping me in the face (metaphorically, of course) and concerned for my life during the nine months of suffering I held at my new job, was AT THE TIME, the only person who could get through to me and wake me up. The reason this journey started because of a very deep wound that was still scarring, but this person was the one to be my guide on the path to just finding what I needed to figure out what the heck was going on. 

About a month later after this realization, I joined a sangha and began meditation on a weekly basis or when I could. This (and to this day) practice has unearthed a lot of stuff that I’ve buried so deep that it blew my mind how messed up my childhood was. Why I was so...sarcastic...and had to make a joke to every serious detail...and impulsive...and...determined to get out of this hole. Like a certain....doctor

(No joke when I watched Doctor Strange in theatres in 2016 when this line was said I died laughing because of the tone and manner of how it was said was something I would do. I’m a sassy piece of shit IRL) 

Back in late 2016/early 2017 right after I watched this movie, I remember wanting to embrace MCU Stephen with open arms. I felt the pain he was feeling, having to give up his mundane life to become the guardian of the Earth, and I wanted to take him down that journey of suffering, of realizing that he chose for the sake of his hands, provided him with....the power of a god yet he was still human (also I was stunned because he was (I BELIEVE right behind T’Challa) the FIRST Marvel main character to actually DIE on camera. As in no pulse, not coming back dead. 

But instead I got female OCs wanting to bang and marry him, and the funk kicked itself right out the door. And this is when I got into experimentation. Demons, Mermen...the list goes on. 

This is where it became obvious that Stephen was leaning towards men and less towards women and the relationships were slowly becoming....uninteresting. Either for me or the other person. Around this time this was when the shit hit the fan hard and I had a mental breakdown and contemplated suicide (it wasn’t the first time). Yeah, surprise~. The package gets nastier. 

At this point, as many of you know, I was diagnosed with Attention Hyperactive Association Disorder (or ADHD) and I began taking medication which helped, but with the meditation beside it, this was where a nasty load of stuff boiled inside including:

Emotional and some Physical Abuse from my Parents

My mother almost killed me once. She nearly snapped my neck.

Emotional Abuse from Teachers and Peers in School

I was given a nickname that I just passively went with and in the end, I hated it. When I tried to change it, people didn’t listen to me. 

I gave my opinion about how I did not enjoy Glee on Facebook. I was shunned by nearly every music department student. 

Trust Issues that supported the Anxiety because of said Emotional Abuse (and for a point in my life, pretty sure I had Avoidant Personality Disorder)

I’ve been at the same job for over 2 years now and just last Friday I had to balls to tell someone my life was a dumpster fire. 

Depression because I couldn’t hold/meet expectations that I had imagined as being next to perfect standards because of past emotional abuse to be under the impression I could meet nothing less (thus over the years I lowered my expectations, yet nothing changed). Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts and the only reason I didn’t do it was because I thought felt good to suffer

In turn, because I was abused emotionally in a certain manner that I thought that it was okay to do so when I couldn’t get a grounding of having things in my control as well because of my conditioning or just try to be noticed. At the time, it was the only way I knew how to put the board in my favor. It was when I did this and my boss wrote me up that I just...became silent. People wondered why I didn’t talk and then when I did, it was (and sometimes still is) in the most passive tone of observation. Over time I did learn this was one of the most unwholesome things I could do and I have still lost my footing in times of despair that I go back to this way of talking because I’m conditioned to beat myself up when something bad happens (and even during this weekend’s retreat those unwholesome thoughts came up). 

So sorry for anyone I’ve hurt in the past because of this. I’ve disconnected with many because of my ignorance.

Thus the result of this toxic upbringing and my choice to follow it blindly led to a misunderstanding of relationships to the mundane level (romantic or platonic). Every situation that failed, I tried better. But it only felt worse since till this day every single one has failed, minus one or two, have all ended in some kind of disaster merely due to, what probably was my destructive behavior. 

Even now typing this dumpster fire was difficult. Because I have 3 ways of responding

1. I’m a Bot Beep Boop How are you? Good! That’s Good! 

2. I have a mask and there’s no one else here behind the ask

3. You sure you want to talk to ME? You sure you find me INTERESTING? You? Find me attractive?! Kay...Just warning you....*reveals the dumpster fire* You can go backward out the entrance door

So...yeah. I’ve never ‘felt’ until recently that my life “mattered”. That I was just...kind of an empty sponge. Day in, day out. Paying off debt for a job that I don’t even do anymore because I’m better at other things, like deduction. And working with data and information. 

But anywho....if you’ve made it this far in “My Journey to Find out Who the Heck I Am” Congrats, you made it to this weekend’s insight meditation retreat. Because it was both terrible and uplifting at the same time. 

yesterday we meditated for about 8ish hours and I wanted to kill myself (literally) from all the pain in my back. I questioned if I had to go see a chiropractor after it was all said and done. And then something came up that I noticed that I always was aware of.

The teacher kept referencing other teachers before her and near the end of it all when she would keep talking, the references were driving me nuts. Like, she just kept telling us to follow the Buddha like he was some holy person and it clicked: I don’t like organized religion because I’m being told how to do my practice. So when we went outside to walk, it all just kind of clicked when I found a bench off to the side of the business complex (our retreat was at our local sangha and non-residential). I sat on that bench and stared at the fence and the rain and said to myself ‘I am the River’, meaning I should go with the flow and acknowledge and be aware of any ripples made in me. 

And that everything that was being instructed on this retreat had been told to me from another source: all of my coworkers who probably have not sat on a cushion in their life. 

Today when we the teacher did a talk this morning about ‘self’ and ‘not self’, she, in short, repeated what I said from a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh (monk from Vietnam) about how we are not a river, but an ocean. 

And even though the teacher’s story was relatable, it clicked who “Crystal” was and where Stephen stood in Crystal’s life.

Crystal is made up of many individuals parts and is just...Crystal. Stephen is not a reflection, but one of those many parts. 

Even though I acknowledge this wisdom, I currently believe I do not (and might not) have the ability to return to my writings because of why I previously explained. It’s not you, it’s the current in the river. 

So thank you to everyone who has befriended me along the way and helped me down this path. 

Namaste.

*two minutes later* lemme find a Benedict Cumberbatch Buddhism gif to close this story, show me the money Google

GOD DAMN I-