#and she actually reaches out to me unlike anyone else :''') idk like am i just clingy/having high standards or something honestly gjndfjhbj

[cyborg-squid]

saw a video thumbnail, with a picture of Molar Boatwork Ishmael of course cause it's talking about Vellmori's harassment and departure, wih the text "Gender War" over it

like. no. it's no "Gender War" (and it's not about Molar!Ishmael not being "fanservice" enough either), it's violent misogyny pure and simple. and while these Korean instances of it (dating back to well before PMoon was involved) are super shocking to some of us because it may be the first we've heard of the situation over there, it's not like a unique thing either. there's shit like this all over the globe, it's not uniquely Korean or Chinese (see the Black Myth Wukong stuff) or anywhere else, some people are just noticing it in those places when it affects the media (mostly games) from there they consume, but you can find it here in America or in the UK or across Europe, we just tend to be more desensitized to it in our 'homes'. cuz the PMoon thing led me to looking up some of the history prior, and wow, the levels of misogyny in Korea are super high and super scary! and then you can go look at another country, and maybe the forms it takes are different cuz of socio/political/economic/cultural/etc reasons and the ways it manifests may look different, but it's scary bad there too! and you remember that misogyny is a global force that is nowhere near done being fought.

that was a long digression. but anyway it makes me mad when people say that the PMoon situation was part of a "Gender War" when it really was. not. One, things in Korea is not a "War" it is feminists getting beat into the ground (metaphorically and literally) at any sign of resistance and using alternative methods to push back, that is not a "War". and Two. well i almost said that, in the case of the PMoon stuff, misogynist "fans" were jumping at shadows or seeing things where there was none, but that's not the right way to put it actually. it's that some men will find any excuse to use violence against women (and those who associate themselves with them) and if they can't find a "reason", they will make one. because there was no "reason" to go after Vellmori and PMoon, and hell it's even unlikely that any of them knew enough about her to dislike her as a person, and it was not like she was a female in a position of power they were striking at yadda yadda, but they were able to take out their hate for women as a whole on her because she was one they were able to reach, and almost wholesale fabricated "justification" for doing so.

and while i'm willing to cut PMoon a lot of slack, and I truly believe their views and intents are in no ways aligned with the harassers, they really really fucked up with how they handled things. for now i believe what they said about Vell leaving voluntarily, I don't think she was 'fired' and I imagine being on the receiving end of such harassment, specifically because she is more 'visible' as one of PM's artists, would make anyone inclined to leave a position. but then I can also imagine that a legal/PR department/whoever at PM breathed a sigh of relief when she did because "Whew, she's leaving voluntarily, saves us the trouble of firing her". not that they were planning too, idk who knows, but her leaving on her own (IF! IF that is what happened) removes that option from the table. but then any goodwill they could have earned by not!firing goes out the window with their vague statements and long delays and threatening legal action against some fans who just wanted the truth. like i said, i don't think PM was a bad faith actor in this or trying to acquiesce to harasser's demands, i am willing to chalk some of their response up to just. idiot management in a time of crisis, bumbling and focused on appearances but not actively malicious, which is again understandable, but still a really fuckin bad look. and i guess while leaping to Vell's defense and really pushing back against the misogyny would have been the right thing to do, it probably woulda made the harasser crowd even more mad at them, and would confuse more normal fans who hadn't heard about what was happening (which explains a lot of PMoons long silences, "If people don't know, why bring it up?". Roosterteeth did a lot of the same thing and, i mean, it's not a dumb move. just a shitty one)

Anyway. It's not a "Gender War", it makes me mad when people call it that, especially when people Youtubers are only talking about it in respect to their/our vidya games. It is misogyny and violence.

[kuiinncedes]

jglhdkhjf

[posallys]

i saw a post about percy and poseidon and i figured i'd drop this stupid little headcanon i have here (i also take stuff from this analysis, so go read that mayhaps)

Ya know how we’ve established i think that Percy’s fatal flaw should be control and not loyalty? And how I talked about the whole “Percy and Poseidon are quick to anger” thing in my analysis of them? And how it’s literally in their nature to want to be in control of everything around them?

okay, well, for whatever reason, percy is on olympus (maybe a solstice? maybe annabeth is talking about stuff for her rebuild? idk)

and a god somebody says something and it he gets pissed, and since his emotions are so closely linked with his powers, he accidentally triggers an earthquake

except, poseidon could obviously tell that there was going to be an earthquake bc he could feel it, so he just kind of pops in front of percy and grabs his wrists/hands and is like "that's an awfully big earthquake you almost caused, ya know."

And Percy’s kind of shaking because he could feel the way the anger took over and how he couldn’t stop the earthquake himself. He was trying so hard to restrain it, to hold it back, but he couldn’t.

He doesn’t really say anything to Poseidon, because he’s clenching his jaw to the point that it’s painful, but he looks up at Poseidon, and his eyes kind of give it away.

(and it may not have been obvious to anybody else, but it was obvious to poseidon because he can't even begin to count the amount of times that look has been on his own face)

So Poseidon takes a deep breath and closes his eyes and nods a little (meanwhile the rest of the gods are just like 👀 👀 because percy almost fucked a lot of shit up and poseidon is being very calm and also being a dad and trying to help his kid)

So he lets go of percy's wrists and is like "come with me"

And Percy kind of hesitates for a moment, but then Poseidon is like “It wasn’t a question” because he knows it’s probably the only thing that’ll help, so it’s Not A Question.

(and poseidon knows that he should have done it after the titan war. He should have helped Percy sooner, but he didn’t, so he has to do it now, and he’s going to do it, because he's not going to let percy keep walking blindly through the mess that is their powers)

Poseidon does some god shit and flashes them out to like. The middle of fucking nowhere. like just creates a little slab of land in the middle of the ocean. nothing around for hundreds of miles except open water

Percy just looks at him like wtf? "Dad, why are we in the middle of the ocean??"

And Poseidon just kind of chuckles and is like “yeah, actually, we are in the middle of the ocean. This is the point that’s as far from any land that you can get.”

“Uh? Why?”

“Because it gives me enough time to stop any damage before it happens.”

Percy’s like “???? what damage?? Pls explain”

“I should have done this after the titan war, Percy. I should have—well it doesn’t matter what I should have done. You have to learn how to let go, and I’m going to help you.”

And Percy doesn’t like the idea of that. He doesn’t want to let go. He doesn’t trust himself not to hurt someone or cause destruction (after all, his name means to destroy).

He must be making a face because Poseidon looks at him sympathetically.

“I know it’s hard, Percy. Believe me, I know better than anyone.”

Poseidon pauses for a moment and then continues… “How do you survive a riptide?” he asks.

Percy answers immediately. “You have to let it pull you out. Eventually, it’ll let you go out the side or the back. You don’t want to fight it, though, because you’ll probably drown trying.”

Poseidon purses his lips and nods, and Percy’s looking at him confused for a moment, trying to figure out why his dad asked about a riptide (because Poseidon obviously knows how they work).

And then he Gets It. “You mean...I have to stop fighting…”

“You have to let go. You have to let yourself be carried out sometimes. The longer you fight, the more tired you get, and the worse it becomes. The sea doesn’t like to be restrained, Percy.”

“But I—” Percy’s voice cracks

“I know you don’t want to, but I promise you, it helps.”

Percy nods and lets Poseidon tell him what to do.

Poseidon tells him to scream. To really let everything out. “I know, I know, you’ll probably feel stupid doing it, but do it anyway. No restraints, no worries. let it flow out of you.”

And so he does. He screams the way he’s wanted to for what’s felt like forever at this point. And the ocean responds to him. It responds to his frustration and his anger and his pain. And the waves are rough and choppy and the sky is turning a shade of grey, and the ground is trembling, and then the waves are getting higher and higher and they’re building, building, building, and then they’re crashing onto the ground around him.

And it feels good, really. To let go. to not have to restrain himself

And Poseidon is there watching him (and he’d stop anything Percy may cause before it got to a place where it could cause harm (there’s a reason they’re in the middle of the ocean, after all)).

And Percy’s scream dies out, and he sits down and he breaths and he feels like the world has been lifted off of his shoulders again.

But he’s not done yet because Poseidon is coaching him through things, making Percy create earthquakes and hurricanes and tsunamis, helping him find the balance between controlling them and letting them control him.

And then poseidon teaches him how to release his anger. He walks Percy through the steps. Start with your hands; unclench your fists. Relax your arms, your shoulders. Roll them out, hold yourself up straight. Unclench your jaw, stretch your neck out. Don’t hold the anger back, but don’t let it consume you. You have to change it, you have to feel it. Let it move through you like water flowing down a river. Feel it in your arms and your fingers and your legs, but then push it out. Not aggressively—calm. It has to be calm. You have to let it carry you to a certain point, but you can’t struggle. It’s a riptide, Percy. Once you surrender to it, you can escape it. Once you surrender to it, you really have control.

And it works. Percy goes through the steps, slowly relaxing himself, letting it move through him until it’s no longer anger and he no longer feels like he’s being crushed.

“I caused a lot of destruction when I was a younger god, Percy. I didn’t have a good grip over my anger. It took me a long time to figure out that, while I may control the ocean, the ocean also controls me. Do you know why? Because I am the ocean, and so are you. The ocean is inside of you, and you must find the balance between controlling and being controlled.”

“How often do you do this?”

“Every few months. It’s easy to get caught in the cycle of control again. It’s in our nature to want to be in control, so conceding isn’t easy for us. So when I feel myself on edge, when I start angering quicker, I come here and I let go.”

So they make a habit out of it. They come out to the middle of the ocean every other month, or about as often as either of them needs it, and they let go, and Percy slowly gets better at becoming one with the ocean, better at finding the balance.

(and then they go to this diner in Montauk that Poseidon has a weird obsession with….)

And when Estelle is older, the three of them take the trip out to the middle of the ocean together, and they teach Estelle how to find balance. And she’s younger than Percy was, so her anger hasn’t had time to peak.

Unlike Percy, whose anger is silent, sneaky, creeping up out of nowhere (the way he’s smiling one moment and lashing out the next) Estelle’s anger was a storm you could see coming a hundred miles away. Her anger brews on the horizon, building and building, slowly getting bigger until there's nothing left but for it to shatter. Which makes it easier, really. She’s better at letting go than Percy is—she has time to let it dissipate before it reaches her.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 289: Looks Like the Gang’s All Here

Previously on BnHA: Horikoshi was all “you guys don’t really need to know what’s gonna happen to Deku and Shouto right now” and cut away to Toga and Ochako before anyone could get a word in. Skeptic utilized the power of Freak Shounen Coincidence to magically zero in on Ochako and Tsuyu amongst the fleeing crowd. Toga was all “IS THAT OCHAKO” and immediately leaped down to fight them, ignoring Spinner’s heartfelt speeches about Villain Found Family because fight now, hug later!! Down in the streets of some unidentified crumbling city, Ochako was approached by a sweet old lady and was all “I better help this sweet old lady who is definitely not leading me into a trap”, which unfortunately turned out to be poor decision-making on her part. Anyway so now she and Toga are going to throw down. AND ALSO, P.S., BEST JEANIST IS STILL ALIVE, and that doesn’t really have anything to do with anything right now, but BY GOLLY I JUST HAD TO SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS.

Today on BnHA: Iida and Hadou are all “is it our turn yet”, and Horikoshi is all “yes”, and so the two of them finally burst onto the scene and are all “hello Shouto, Gigantomachia is on his way, btw do you need help” and so they all get ready to fight Tomura together. Meanwhile in Unnamed Ochako And Toga Fight Town, Toga is all “what’s up Ochako, oh is this the All Might doll Deku gave you, I guess you must like Deku as well, just like me, we truly are the same, btw I can use other people’s quirks now” before she vanishes in a flurry of knives and ambiguity, as mysteriously as she came. So that’s a thing that happened. The chapter ends with Gigantomachia and the League STOMPIN’ ONTO THE SCENE, JUST IN TIME FOR ENDEAVOR TO WAKE UP AND BE ALL “OHHHHH SHIT.” YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT, “OH SHIT.” Finally the pieces are in place for Dabi to reveal his true identity to Hadou and Iida, JUST LIKE WE ALL EXPECTED.

before I start, thank you so much to everyone who sent birthday messages on Wednesday!! I had a good day; my quarantine impulse purchase guitar that I ordered months ago but had been backordered finally arrived, and so now I can do something productive with my time as I continue to while away these months in isolation! not to say that capslocking over fictional characters and their shounen escapades doesn’t also count as being productive lmao. anyways, my fingers hurt so typing is kind of a bitch right now, but I’m having fun still. IF KAMINARI CAN DO IT THEN SO CAN I

anyway so let’s see what mishaps my various catastrophe-prone children are getting up to this week

okay there are several things happening in this panel which I want to comment on

IIDA!!!

HADOU!!!

“some time after” jesus fucking christ though, how long have Deku and the rest actually been fighting?? like it’s absolutely absurd to imagine that they’ve been managing to hold off Tomura for more than a few minutes, and yet everything we’ve seen these last couple of chapters suggests that this is indeed the case. which is just pure insanity tbh. excuse me sir, but I have an emotionally maturing son, a homewrecking grandpa, and a sleep-deprived one-legged platonic husband who are all in DIRE NEED of medical attention just FYI

lastly, I direct your attention to these two cool cats in the background who are both riding on hover surfboards. living it up like it’s Back to the Future. why are there two of them. do they both just happen to have the exact same quirk. what are the odds. ARE THEY TWINS. I want to know everything about them dammit

anyway so Hadou is asking Iida why he’s tagging along, because unlike the others, he can’t fly and is thus vulnerable to Tomura’s attacks and such

well Hadou I’ll have you know that it his DUTY AS THE CLASS PRESIDENT to tag along and THAT’S WHY

oh shit you guys IIDA SAID “FUCK THE LAW”

“plus Bakugou-kun, whom I am not particularly close to, but nonetheless hold nothing personal against!” well uh, kind of a weird distinction to make there bro, but okay. listen everyone, it’s a tense situation; if Iida feels the need to clarify the ins and outs of his interpersonal relationships with each of the people he’s rescuing then please just respect that okay

anyways though have I mentioned how much I fucking love Iida Tenya though you guys. feels like I haven’t mentioned that enough. I LOVE HIM. there

FINALLY

AFTER THREE WHOLE WEEKS WE FINALLY CUT BACK. OH MY GOD. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG OF A TIME THAT IS TO BE HOLDING YOUR BREATH. [EXHALES]

is it bad that my immediate reaction to this page was A LOT OF LAUGHING, though. fkldlksh this entire situation is SO ABJECTLY TERRIBLE that if I were Shouto I would almost be fighting the urge to look around for a hidden camera at this point. ASHTON KUTCHER WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE. OH THANK GOD, IT WAS ALL JUST A PRANK

anyway so uh. heh. how screwed are we at this point, exactly. oh and also, whose speech bubbles are these. who the fuck would look at this situation and these bleeding children and say “HA!” what kind of monster. just ignore that paragraph right before this one please

OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT

TOMURA I CANNOT BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO AFO FOR ONCE AND JUST LEAVE

pretty please. we kind of have a situation here. not that I wouldn’t love to see what this icy flamey boi could do if push came to shove, but I also have had just about enough of watching children get maimed for today though

OH SHIT

THE TIMING OF THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AT ALL BUT I DO NOT CARE!! THE CAVALRY HAS ARRIVED THANK GOD

“WHAT UP GUYS, WE BROUGHT YOU SOME TERRIBLE NEWS” FKLSHLKHLK

WELL GEE IIDA THANKS SO FUCKING MUCH!!

lmaoooo a wild Lida has been spotted what the fuck is this translation though

I don’t know which is better, the “Lida” (DO YOU EVEN READ THE SERIES BRO), or the “CHRIST” gkfhkg. CLASSIC LIDA

OH SNAP HADOU

sobbing at Manual cradling the still-warm corpse of Gran Torino like a tiny baby khlk;h. BUT ANYWAYS HADOU SAW HER TEACHER ALL BLOODIED UP AND IS READY TO THROW DOWN, YESSSSS, THE MY LADIES ACADEMIA ARC CONTINUES

(ETA: listen you guys, there were many things at the end of this chapter that brought me joy, but perhaps none more than the inclusion of Hadou in the final two page spread looking all serious alongside the Todorokis, as if she has any fucking clue at all wtf is going on slfkhlkhgghsl. what I wouldn’t give to see her and Deku and Iida all making frantic bewildered eye contact at each other throughout the next chapter lmao.)

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT DEKU

ARE YOU PROPPING YOURSELF UP WITH YOUR ARM THAT’S IN SPLINTERS, I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE YOU RIGHT NOW. SOMEONE PLEASE SLAP SOME SENSE INTO THIS CHILD. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN

LMAO TODO’S READY TO TAKE AFOMURA ON. THE SHARED HERO BRAINCELL HAS ALREADY EXPIRED. FUCK IT LET’S DO THIS

“true, I already watched him murder my dad, my boyfriend, my other boyfriend, my teacher, and dozens of other people, but gosh darn it, I just feel like the fifteenth time’s the charm you guys.” shit, I ain’t even mad. who’s up for yet another episode of Todoroki Shouto Attempts to Murder a Bitch

-- “TIME TO CUT AWAY!!” laughs Horikoshi as he gleefully dodges out of reach before I can punch him, that SON OF A --

goddammit. you’re just lucky that I’m invested in the girl power fight too

YESSSSS OCHAKO

DON’T BE SORRY FOR KICKING ASS! NEVER BE SORRY FOR KICKING ASS

damn, looks like she managed to touch Toga’s shirt but not Toga herself. both of them are so fast

now Toga is monologuing from the shadows

we’ve all been there, Toga. sometimes you see someone you really like and it’s just like, ahhhhhh gotta kill them am I right

lol I love Toga so much you guys, but I’m also kind of wincing in anticipation of whatever essays are gonna materialize out of the fandom this week explaining how hero society has failed her utterly and she is just a victim here. CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW SHE JUST WANTED FREEDOM TO BE HERSELF AND MURDER A BUNCH OF PEOPLE flhkklhl

OH SNAP SHE WENT AND TOLD HER THE THING!!

and it was fucking awesome and scary as shit, Ochako. like damn, still sends a chill up my spine just thinking about it

anyway so now Toga is continuing to explain that she can use the quirks of whoever she transforms into

and Ochako is kind of freaking out, which I don’t blame her for, since it’s probably really upsetting to hear that your stolen blood and quirk were used to murder a bunch of people. shit

so now she’s all “WTF WHY WOULD YOU EVEN TELL ME THAT”

??? was this somehow the wrong answer?

for fuck’s sake. Toga you literally came down here to ask her if she would be willing to kill you, and here she is telling you “I would never be happy about killing someone, that’s fucked up”, and you’re all “......”

like come on though, what else do you want her to say?? and why does Ochako look so shocked now

OOP

LMAO

THEIR FACES DKSLHFKG. TOGA NO THAT IS MEAN. and jesus christ Ochako it’s just a toy. I know it has Sentimental Value and shit but is this really the thing to be getting distracted about right now

FOR FUCK’S SAKE

JIN-KUN WHOM OCHAKO HAS NEVER FUCKING MET?? THAT JIN-KUN??!

OM NOM NOM

this entire confrontation makes absolutely zero sense to me you guys. just. Horikoshi was all, “this is the kind of stuff girls talk about when they’re battling to the death, right?” just, are you okay my dude

anyway so Toga has somehow deduced that Ochako got the doll from Deku, which means that she and Ochako are exactly alike in every way, and this is somehow an important plot point, and now they’re finally getting back to the fight lulz

OH SHIT

OCHAKO BOUT TO SLAP THE SHIT OUT TOGA WITH THIS BOOKCASE ON A STRING AND THIS LOUIS BAG OH FUCK

so now Toga’s all excited and she’s all “THERE’S SOMETHING I OUGHT TO TELL YOU, I’M NOT LEFT HANDED EITHER” oh snap

fuck, it almost feels like she’s trying to warn her. Ochako idk maybe you should run shit I do not like this ( ﾟдﾟ)

but of course she is not running, and she’s all “I’ll have you take responsibility for your actions”

HEY NOW

WHAT IS FUCKING HAPPENING, DID TOGA JUST FUCKING MURDER TSUYU, WHAT THE FUCK. I AM TERRIFIED, I DON’T WANT TO SCROLL DOWN, SHE THREW LIKE FOURTEEN KNIVES INTO THE DARKNESS, WHAT THE FUCK

OH

IT’S POSSIBLE THAT I MAY HAVE OVERREACTED

so did Toga just Swip a bunch of knives for no reason and then abscond, lol what. CAN ANYBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE PURPOSE OF THAT ENTIRE SCENE WAS. ASIDE FROM GETTING TO SEE OCHAKO TRY AND YEET A BOOKCASE AT SOMEONE

fuck, she was crying??

DID MY GIRL TOGA JUST KILL AN OLD WOMAN, NAKEDLY LURE OCHAKO INTO A BUILDING, ANTAGONIZE HER INTO SAYING “I’LL MAKE YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR KILLING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE YOU FELT LIKE IT”, STEAL HER DOLL, GIVE HER DOLL BACK, TELL HER “OH SO YOU LIKE DEKU TOO HUH? BTW I CAN USE OTHER PEOPLE’S QUIRKS”, AND THEN RUN AWAY CRYING??? BRUH

-- OH SHIT, OH FUCK

[SIRENS BLARING WILDLY] [AUDIENCE LEAPING OUT OF THEIR SEATS] [T-SHIRT CANNONS BOOMING IN THE AIR] [VIKING WAR HORN SOUNDS IN THE DISTANCE] FUUUUUUUUUCK

well never the fuck mind about Ochako and Toga and WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT ALL WAS SUPPOSED TO BE, I guess, BECAUSE!! MACHIA MADNESS HAS ARRIVED. SPEARS SHALL BE SHAKEN!!! SHIELDS SHALL BE SPLINTERED!!

AND LOOK WHO WOKE UP FROM HIS NUMBER ONE HERO BEAUTY NAP RIGHT ON CUE, TOO!!! ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS... IIIIIIIIIIT’S TOUYA TIMEEEEEEEE

[abarbaricyalp]

Idk if you are still taking prompts, but you know the vine two dudes chilling in a hot tub 5 feet apart cause they're not gay, and a girl quoting it in a park about two girls in the distance and one of them hearing and going "Actually I am gay" Like that scenario, only involving them fixing the boat? Maybe Sarah quoting it to give Sam shit when she thinks Bucky cant hear and Bucky goes "Wait, no I'm gay" or something, or just the general gist of that. Sorry if this us too specific, I've never sent anyone a prompt before :P

Hello Friend! Thank you so much for sending anything in at all! I know the vine you're talking about, but I couldn't find it on Youtube. (I did find a two day rabbit hole of old compilations though) This was also my first foray into writing Sarah as a fully fleshed character! I was excited to get the practice 'cause I had an idea bouncing around in my head about her and Bucky talking after he wakes up in the Wilson house. I kept her a little more like she had been in my other fics pre-show here. I so wish we got a little more of her!

Feel free, anyone, to send me Sambucky prompts!

The North American Superhero in a Domestic Situation

Sarah Wilson loved her brother deeply. The kind of soul crushing love that could only be formed through family, loss, and approximately four thousand brawls around the living room throughout their life. She looked up to her brother more than she could ever imagine looking up to anyone. Even when they were fighting or picking on each other, she couldn’t help but feel a swell in her chest when he came into her line of sight.

That didn’t mean she understood him. In fact, from the age of eight, watching her brother interact with the world had become her go-to pastime. Why did he have to roll every pea around the plate individually before eating them? Why did he and his friends spend seven years socking each other in the arm to prove friendship? Why did he talk to himself in the mirror, even when he knew Sarah or someone else was standing in the doorway?

Sam Wilson was just deeply weird. She had no idea how he had tricked the Avengers, a plethora of bad guys, and half of the media world into thinking he was remotely cool. She saw a news story once that had King T’Challa standing on a platform with Sam and the newscasters talked about how impressive Sam’s suit was. It was unnatural, the effect he had on people.

And in all her years, she never thought she’d see anyone weirder than Sam. But then James Barnes had showed up. It was like a complete reversal of Sam. Sarah was taken in for approximately three hours by his charm and face before she realized he too was deeply, deeply weird.

She justified sitting on the edge of the Paul and Darlene, watching her brother and James Barnes spar off about some dumb trivia fact, by deciding it was an anthropological expedition. The North American Superhero in a Domestic Situation. She watched Sam watch Barnes take a long pull off his beer. She watched Barnes kick his feet up near Sam’s legs and then draw them back quickly when a current jolted the boat. She watched Barnes’ fingers tap-tap-tap against the edge of the boat, inching closer to Sam’s shoulder before he chickened out and brought his hand back to his own lap. She watched Sam suggest Bucky take his jacket off, ‘unless you plan on sun blinding me with the robocop arm.’ She watched Sam look away when Barnes did shrug his jacket off.

When she was seventeen and Sam was fifteen, she had found Sam crying in his room, pillow pressed to his face to muffle the noise. They were at the age where going into each other’s rooms uninvited started international conflicts, but Sarah, who watched her brother intently, felt like she knew what was going on. So she let herself in through their Jack-and-Jill bathroom and shut the door behind her.

Sam didn’t stop crying, not even to yell at her to get out, so she sat on the end of his bed and rolled a baseball under her foot for a while. Finally, she’d said, “You don’t have to tell Mom and Dad, y’know.”

Sam had just about wailed and bit the corner of his pillow to stop himself.

“That’s gross, stop it,” Sarah ordered and pushed Sam’s shoulder back enough to yank his pillow free and then reached over to wipe the tears from his cheeks. “I should make you do the laundry this week so I know I’m not touching your snot germs,” she teased softly.

“How did you know?” Sam hiccuped out. Tears were still brimming at his eyes, but they didn’t fall.

“I’m your older sister. I made you. Like a doll. You think there’s something about you that I don’t know?” she joked. And when the tears did spill over his long lashes, she sighed and pulled him closer to her side. “I just know the way you interact with that boy from the basketball team ain’t just friendly.”

“Jesus, do you think he can tell?” Sam asked and she could hear the mortification in his voice.

“Sam, he’s a freshman in high school. The only thing he knows is that he’s scared of everything too. No one’s paying that much attention to you.”

“Screw you,” Sam muttered.

“What’re all these tears for you if you didn’t make a move and get shot down?”

“God, Sarah, can you not say things like that?”

“Watch your mouth,” Sarah warned with no heat in her voice. “Come on, tell me what’s wrong. I’m not leaving until you do.”

“I just…” Sam sat up and worked his jaw for a while. His chin dimpled and his eyes watered but he managed to control himself. “I’m scared, Sarah. I’m scared of never being in love. Of having to leave if I am. I’m scared to say something and I’m scared not to say something. I’m so scared of...losing any of it.”

“Sam,” Sarah sighed and pulled Sam into another hug. “You’re fifteen. You’re not supposed to be in love yet. You don’t have to think about any of that. You just have to focus on passing Geometry, alright? Mom’ll whoop your ass more for failing than anything else.”

“I have a B+, that’s not failing!” Sam snapped. He kept his face against her shoulder for a second long before he sat up and wiped his tears away. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

“Who am I gonna tell? I told you, my friends don’t like you as much as you think they do.”

“Your friends like me more than they like you,” Sam shot back and he almost sounded normal.

Sarah smiled softly and patted Sam’s cheek. “I won’t tell Mom or Dad. Of course not. That’s for you to do. But--”

“I’m always going to tell them when you sneak out the window.”

“No! Sam! You can’t! You owe me now!”

“Going to field parties is not the same thing!” Sam said in a shriek as Sarah leaned over to pinch his sides. They grappled for a second before Sam managed to push Sarah off the bed.

“You owe me,” she reminded him as she walked back to the bathroom.

Sam wiped his eyes again and nodded. “Sure, Sarah. I do.”

Sam almost had the same look on his face now. Like there was something he wanted to reach for that he thought was too impossible to hold. The Older Sister Instinct to Antagonize into a Solution kicked in.

“Two bros, chilling on a boat, five feet apart ‘cause they’re not gay,” she sing-songed. Sam looked mortified again but masked his face into something more irritated with a roll of his eyes when Barnes looked over at him.

“Ignore her. It’s this old video--” Sam started.

But Bucky interrupted to say, “Actually I am gay,” as he looked back over at Sarah. “Sorry if I got your hopes up,” he added with a grin that really did get the hopes up.

“What?” Sam asked and Sarah, ever watchful, could see the beer bottle shaking in his hand.

“What?” Bucky repeated innocently.

“He said he’s gay,” Sarah clarified.

“Thank you, Sarah,” Sam ground out. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Bucky snorted. “When would I have said anything? ‘Sorry for ripping your wings off and kicking you off of a hellicarrier, by the way I’m gay.’?”

“You did what?” Sarah asked.

“‘Sorry for claiming I didn’t bomb the UN only to be reverted back to the assassin who would have done that and then fighting you again. By the way I’m gay.’ ‘Thanks for saving my life. Sorry about the giant undersea prison. By the way I’m gay.’ ‘There’s an imminent battle with weird ass space dogs that want to eat our faces. By the way I’m gay.’ ‘Sorry about Tony Stark, whose life I kind of ruined. Lovely funeral. By the way I’m gay.’ ‘I’m in the middle of being pissed at you about the Shield. By the way I’m gay.’ ‘Maybe don’t take me rolling through a field of flowers. It does things to me ‘cause I’m gay.’ ‘John Walker’s fucking insane. I’m gay, but definitely not for this bullshit.’ I mean, come on, Sam.”

“Flowers?” Sarah asked.

“Besides, why would you care? I don’t make it a habit of telling straight guys I’m into guys.”

“You don’t seem to make a habit of telling many people that,” Sarah pointed out. “I googled you. Nothing suggesting that came up.”

Bucky shrugged. “I’m a guy from the 30s. It was trained out of me.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Sarah said quickly. “Back up away from that because we’re not gonna try to Oppression Olympics our way through our histories. Did you just say Sam was straight?”

“Sarah!” Sam hissed.

“Sure. I mean, I saw him with Romanov. Hill. He has Tinder on his phone.”

“Samuel Thomas, you better not,” Sarah warned lightly. “You’re better than that.”

“He’s a lady-killer.”

Sarah snorted and had to bring her hand up to her face. “He definitely is not. There has been no lady-killing on his end for a long time.”

“Sarah!” Sam tried again.

“You explain it to him then. Mr. 30s is gonna need the long way round explanation.”

Sam sighed and dragged his hand over his face. “Dammit. Fine. I’m not straight either, alright? I’m...bi, or something. It’s been a while since I’ve had to think about it.”

“What?” Bucky asked, not unlike Sam had.

“He said he’s bisexual. Interested in both parties. Swings either way. Hit a homerun and then hasn’t really swung since.”

“Sarah, Jesus Christ,” Sam groaned.

“What?” Bucky asked again.

“I was engaged. To a man,” Sam said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Bucky asked, clearly missing the irony.

“Oh, it was inconvenient for you but I had plenty of opportunities, huh?” Sam asked. “Ms. Tell-It-All over there wasn’t joking. I haven’t swung any direction in a while. Not since before I met Steve. My fiance died. And then it never came up.”

Bucky blinked at Sam. He kept bringing the bottle halfway up his body and then setting it back on his leg without ever taking a drink. “Fuck, Sam, I’m sorry,” Bucky said, which was not what Sarah was expecting and it clearly wasn’t what Sam was expecting because Sam finally moved closer to Bucky on the bench.

“What for? You didn’t do anything. This time.”

“Yeah, but if I’d known you were into me too, I woulda kissed you in Germany.”

“Oh, I am so not into you,” Sam denied. “And I wouldn’t have our first kiss ruined by immediately running into the government’s roving show monkey.”

“That’s the worst,” Bucky agreed and also finally moved over on the bench until they were pressed thigh to thigh. “Tell me how much you don’t like me again,” he challenged.

“I can’t stand you,” Sam answered and brought his hand up to Bucky’s jaw.

Sarah couldn’t fight down the grin that came to her face and turned to prop her feet on the pier, back to Sam and Bucky. Just this once, she didn’t need to watch her brother to understand him.

Read on AO3 here!

[cooliogirl101]

It's a shame Sayuri doesn't do dramatic reveals because I think her revealing the full extent of her powers when previously she did absolutely nothing would be fun. Does anyone--whether it be the Gotei 13 or the Vizards or Ichigo's gang--ever find out? Does anyone try to talk to her? Also, how do people know Sousuke respects Sayuri if Sayuri acts like his shadow? Do they banter in public or something? (their banter is one of my favourite things actually it's fun to see them interact)

“Care to share a drink?” A familiar voice asks cheerfully. 

“I’m not really one for alcohol,” Sayuri replies without looking up.

“Tea, then.” An expectant pause. “Interesting time you’ve chosen to sit down and read a book,” the voice continues, amused, when Sayuri doesn’t answer. “Don’t think I’ve seen anyone do that in the middle of a battlefield before.”

Sayuri glances up, just briefly, before returning to her book.

“Sousuke has his entertainment,” she says curtly, jerking her chin towards where Sousuke is currently battling several of the Espada. “I have mine.”

She receives a huff of laughter in reply. 

“Fair enough,” Kyouraku Shunsui says, smiling down at her. “Where are my manners? Allow me to introduce myself, my name is--”

“I know who you are, Kyouraku-taicho,” Sayuri interrupts, turning a page in her book.

“You have me at a disadvantage then,” Kyouraku says after a long pause, when it becomes clear she has no intention of continuing. “I’m afraid I can’t say the same of you. Odd, given that I’m well acquainted with your partner...or well, a version of him, I should say.”

“Who I am is unimportant. Sousuke is my....partner, as you put it. That’s all anyone needs to know,” Sayuri says blandly. 

“You love him,” Kyouraku states. It isn’t a question.

Sayuri’s lips quirk up almost imperceptibly. 

“More than you could imagine,” she confirms. Kyouraku studies her for another moment, then shakes his head, chuckling softly. 

“You’re quite the mystery, you know that?” He asks. 

“Hardly,” Sayuri replies. “I’ve already told you everything important about me. Everything else is just...details.”

“Oh? Care to share some of those details then?” Kyouraku asks genially, his casual smile almost-- but not quite-- hiding the sharp glint in his eyes. “I’d very much like to get to know the woman who chooses books over battle. I think we could be friends-- if you’ll let me, that is.” He smiles, eyes crinkling at the edges. “Maybe I’ll even change your mind about sake! I have some lovely bottles I’ve been saving, waiting for just the right opportunity.” 

Sayuri hums noncommittally. 

“If you expect me to open up to you, Kyouraku-taicho, you’ll have to do better than that,” she says. 

“What do you mean?” Kyouraku asks. 

Sayuri closes her book. 

“I mean, you don’t really care about the girl who chooses to read in the middle of a battlefield, you want to know about the woman Aizen Sousuke deemed worthy to stand by his side. But for that to happen, you’ll have to be more than a drunkard in a pink kimono, Kyouraku-taicho.” She stands up. “Don’t expect me to share my secrets if you’re not willing to share yours.” 

“And will you?” Kyouraku asks, standing up as well. “Share yours, I mean.” 

Sayuri tilts her head to the side. 

“I guess you’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you?” 

She pauses. 

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Sayuri adds, tone shifting. She reaches into her pocket, pulling out a small bag, then tosses it to Kyouraku. 

“What’s this?” He asks, catching it reflexively. 

“Candy.” At Kyouraku’s inquiring look, she elaborates, “We had a run in with Zaraki-taicho a few days ago. Kusajishi-fukutaicho was kind enough to keep me company while Sousuke...talked things over with Zaraki-taicho. I’d appreciate it if you could pass this on to her.” 

He looks down at the bag of candy in his hand. 

“If this is a ploy to gain my sympathy, it’s a very obvious one,” Kyouraku states, raising his eyebrows. 

“Yes, it would be,” Sayuri agrees, and for the first time, a hint of a genuine smile crosses her face. “Good night, Kyouraku-taicho.” 

He watches her walk off to join a different, happier version of Aizen Sousuke and smiles a little to himself. 

Honesty, huh? He can work with that. 

(idk I’ve just always liked writing Sayuri and Kyouraku’s relationship. As for how everyone knows Sousuke holds Sayuri in high regard-- well, Sayuri may choose to stay quiet most of the time but she’s not completely silent. And on the occasions she does choose to speak up, Sousuke’s default response is something along the lines of ‘shut up everyone, Sayuri is talking’. 

As for revealing her powers-- well, unlike Sousuke, she doesn’t plan for dramatic reveals. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen anyway lol)

[jazzanddaydreams]

Evidence and reasons to ship Sophiana that literally no one asked for

Disclaimer: I myself am a multi-shipper, so I ship both Sophiana AND Dexiana (and sokeefe of course), but anyway here's my reasoning for Sophiana (no hate to the other ships). This is WAYYYYY overly long and my adhd brain is crying trying to proof-read it so fair warning

1. Representation in this series. Even though I know it probably won't happen with these two, I can still dream. 

2. Both Sophie and Biana are strong independent females who have been sucked (mainly unknowingly) into love triangles in the midst of whatever mess is going on with the Neverseen. 

3. In the beginning of the series, Biana seemed to hate Sophie, but after persuasion from Alden, became friends with Sophie. From there, the two of them have had a couple of rocky moments (Alden's memory break, where she didn't hate Sophie, she just wouldn't talk to her or anyone, which is less harmful of a reaction that Fitz's. Also when Stina reveals that Biana became friends with Sophie initially because of her dad) but overall have been growing into good friends. 

Now for my evidence (be forewarned there's a LOT, but still not all my evidence bc I mainly skimmed through my books I had on hand): 

Book 1: 

Fitz in the first book is shocked when Sophie says she thinks Biana hates her, stating that they're  pretty similar (first book, I don't remember the page number or exact quote). 

 Page 272, in general, when Sophie hands Biana her midterms present, and Biana asks if she's coming over for dinner. After that interaction, both Dex and Maruca (Biana's best friend at the time) are glaring at Sophie. Maruca's reaction can be explained by being best friends and feeling like she's losing Biana (though hmm....), but Dex's reaction is a bit harder to explain, thus my reasoning. Dex at this time has a major crush on Sophie, and yes he hates the Vackers, but that doesn't explain why he's mad at Sophie, unless he feels like he has competition from Biana for Sophie's affections, and is glaring to try and stop her from forgetting he's an option (oh boy my poor child). 

Also just through the rest of this book, when Sophie is having troubles or avoiding her, Biana is actually worried, and cares about her friend, not lashing out at her, just wondering if she's going to come over, and being obviously disappointed when Sophie declines her invitations. "She's right though. Red is definitely your color." 

Book 2: 

Page 567. "'Uh, I've always known that,' Dex said, sitting on her other side. 'But remember? I like weird.' 'Me too,' Biana chimed in." We know later that this statement from Dex was him literally saying that he liked Sophie, but the big thing about this is that Biana agrees immediately after. Before Fitz agrees. This could be read as just friends, but I read it otherwise. 

Book 3: Page 590. Biana is fighting Gisela on Mount Everest, in extreme conditions. Sophie looks at her and is like "Did you know Biana could fight like that?" like she's impressed, and I mean it's very impressive because she's taking down an adult in extreme conditions, but they're in the middle of a fight, and Sophie takes the time to notice and point out Biana's fighting skills. Which seems a little bit ship-y. Later on this page she is written as smiling at imagining Biana fighting Fitz and Keefe and smiling, and then screaming when Biana almost dies, along with Biana's former crush (Keefe) and her brother (Fitz). 

Page 511. Biana literally hides in Magnate Leto's office when Sophie was getting her ability restricting circlet (HIGHLY FORBIDDEN AND DANGEROUS) and watches in silent support. She breaks so many rules doing that, and then to top it off, on this page she says she doesn't "think I could've been that brave." Which is extremely sweet given the circumstances, and knowing just how much she risked going in with Sophie and yet calling Sophie the brave one, it's just very sweet. 

Book 4: 

(Oh boy I love this one there's so much fuel here.) 

 Page 9. "Dex pretended to gag, while Biana stared at Keefe's arm around Sophie." This is generally read as Biana being jealous of Sophie getting Keefe's attention, but it can also be read as Biana being jealous of Keefe being able to get that close to Sophie in that way (and that is how I am choosing to interpret it). 

I would also like to point out that Biana chooses to run away with Sophie to be with the Black Swan. She doesn't have to. She could stay in the Lost Cities and serve her minimal punishment, then get back to her life. But she chooses the dangerous option to BE WITH SOPHIE, which speaks a lot about these two and how their relationship has grown from mutual animosity to ride-or-die friendship. 

Page 31. "'But we're in costume!' Biana argued. 'Yeah, but you guys will stand out. I mean...look at you. You look like models.'" Sophie literally says Biana looks like a model (along with the boys of course, but she's including EVERYONE in her group) (plus she also comments in her head NUMEROUS times that Biana is gorgeous, or pretty, or looks like a princess, and I don't know about you but I don't go around thinking about how gorgeous all my friends look, I mean they're all amazing people but I don't go around thinking "oh wow [friend] looks like a fabulous princess with their on point makeup and effortless looking outfit." It's just a little bit indicative  that Sophie might like Biana as more than just a friend, hidden in the deep reaches of her oblivion at least). 

Also I would just like to point out that on page 38, when the group sees the statue of David, Keefe immediately reacts to it, and Sophie has no immediate gross out factor, she's just like yeah it's art and this dude is naked so what, which I find a bit telling but idk. 

Bonus: Biana finds the fact that the statue is naked a bit disgusting, and is terrified at the thought of running into it, which also seems a bit telling. 

Page 77. aka the page where Biana compliments Sophie's eyes and calls them "striking and unique." 

Page 167, 168, 169. THEY LITERALLY SLEEP IN THE SAME BED TOGETHER TO COMFORT EACH OTHER. BIANA WENT TO SOPHIE'S ROOM FIRST WHEN SHE COULDN'T SLEEP AND IS IN NEED OF COMFORT, EVEN THOUGH HER MOM IS literally within walking distance away. 

Page 168 "The soft sound of Biana's breathing made the room feel warmer"

Page 615 "...especially when she realized Biana was there too. She pulled her soggy hair forward to cover her face. 'It's cold here.' 'It is,' Biana agreed. Sophie couldn't tell if the strain in Biana's voice was exhaustion or something else." This is after Biana and Alvar interrupt Sophie and Keefe basically cuddling in the cold after almost dying. This could be interpreted as Biana being sad that Sophie seems to be choosing Keefe over her, and she's struggling to deal with that. 

*~*

After these moments, Biana kind of fades into the background, along with Dex, until around book 8 (and even then....yes I'm a bit bitter that my girl doesn't get page time), so I'm going to skip ahead. 

Book 8: 

page 135. "...next to her daughter wearing a peacock blue gown with shimmering gold beading that was almost as stunningly beautiful as she was." Reminding you of her constant appeal to Biana's appearance, and also this is after Biana has been MAJORLY scarred, yet Sophie still finds her beautiful and oh look I'm crying now (onto the next!) 

Page 256: "'You okay?' Biana asked, plopping down beside Sophie on the grass and reaching out to brush some of the fallen pinkish, purplish, bluish petals out of Sophie's hair." this kind of thing is generally reserved for Fitz or Keefe, so I was SHOCKED when I read this. She's pulling the 'brushing the person's hair out of their face' ploy and I'm so here for it. 

Also, just Biana's reactions to Sophie dating her brother are a bit odd, as if she is only reluctantly okay with them being together. 

Unlocked (8.5): 

Biana's file: page 76. "Ultimately, though, Biana and Sophie have grown to genuinely respect and admire each other, and are now well and truly friends." This is under the heading explaining that Biana has trouble making friends because of complications with her brother,  and then goes on to mainly explain Biana's friendship with Sophie, which just...points toward the slim possibility of Sophiana. 

I'm not holding out a lot of hope, because I know it's probably not going to become reality, but I do have my reasoning and a decent amount of evidence, and I still can enjoy my ship from afar as the ship wars rage on. Because with these two gals, we could: 

1. Have the possibility of a healthy relationship where neither party is afraid to tell the other something

2. both balance each other out personality-wise

3. they've also gone through some rough spots but in all have retained a steady friendship in which Sophie isn't afraid Biana will betray her or hate her for anything (unlike SOME boys (I'm sorry, I love Keefe it’s just his decisions haven’t been all that great lately)) 

So yeah, tl;dr Biana and Sophie have the possibility of being in a great relationship built on support and trust and I put way too much effort into this

(Part 1 bc I’ll have more evidence eventually)

[foilfreak]

BEAUTY AND HER BEAST: Chapter 8

WARNING PLZ READ BEFORE CONTINUING: This fic is rated NSFW and contains graphic depictions of things some people may find disturbing or alarming, including, but not limited to: violence, gore, unhealthy family relationships, Oedipus complexes, gratuitous amount of pornographic literature, ableist language, physical, mental, and emotional abuse, etc. If you are someone who does not enjoy fiction with these elements in them, then I suggest you refrain from reading this, because this fic will have all that, and probably a lot more. So, this is your first and final warning to turn around and go somewhere else if stuff like this just isn't your vibe, because from this point forward, your emotional wellbeing is in your own hands, and I will not be accepting blame if you disregarded my warnings and ended up reading something you didn't like. Idk why I feel compelled to write one of these despite this being Resident Evil fanfic, but I figured I'd cover my ass just in case.

(AO3 Link Below:)

Several days had passed since Salvatore had sought out both his younger sisters, requesting items like jewelry or clothing they’d be willing to part with that Salvatore could gift to Nadine, as a sort of soft and informal introduction to ease the young woman’s mind and prove he meant her no harm.

The plan seems to be going rather well, as far as Salvatore can tell. Nadine found the gifts he’d laid out for her rather easily, and even correctly wondered if the person who lived here had left them for her purposefully. She seemed wary of the items for a time, though she seemed pretty wary of everything in the reservoir at the moment, but eventually she deemed them safe enough to accept, throwing the long white nightgown Salvatore had procured from Donna over her petit azure frame, and strapping the delicate golden locket Alcina had graciously donated around her neck.

Salvatore practically drooled when he first saw Nadine, slightly sheer satin nightgown flowing elegantly in the gentle afternoon breeze and golden chain glittering beautifully against her white speckled, ocean blue skin. She looked like a goddess, a true figure of pure ethereal power and beauty. Even the biting cold of winter wasn’t enough to touch the young woman, shielded and protected by her own glowing radiance.

Despite looking every bit like an other-worldly deity worthy of unending human devotion and worship, Nadine’s face held nothing but fear, anxiety, and loneliness as she aimlessly wandered the seemingly empty docks and windmills surrounding the reservior’s watery interior. An occasional dejected “hello?” still echoes out throughout the reservoir every few hours, growing less and less hopeful with each passing round of silence Salvatore spends hiding away from view.

The disfigured man’s heart twists and stabs in pain every time he cowers away from Nadine’s soft, anxious calls, desperately wanting to comfort the young woman in her moment of confusion and fear, but still so terrified of her inevitable reaction to his appearance that he finds himself unable to do anything but skitter shamefully to his room beneath the surface and try to drown her out with one of his old romance films.

How pitiful.

Salvatore spends much of his time lamenting and pitying himself over his soul crushing loneliness and his intense desire for a love of his own, and yet here he is, taking refuge in an old romance film while he hides himself away from the real woman he could be making his own romance film with, were he not a massive coward and a horrific freak of nature unworthy of anyone’s love and affection, of course. What a cruel irony it is, to have the one thing you want, more than anything else in the world, dangled just inches in front of your face, and yet knowing, before you’ve even tried, that it’ll never be yours.

Salvatore knows that no matter how much of a romance story this whole situation might seem like, Nadine will never be able to love him in the way the gorgeous women in the movies love their tall, dashing, dark-haired lover men. Not only was Salvatore the exact opposite of tall and dashing by literally everyone’s standards, but his patches of dry, greasy dark-hair did little to salvage the violent wreckage that was Salvatore’s whole appearance.

There was absolutely no way Nadine would ever be able to love someone as hideous as Salvatore, so perhaps the best thing to do would be to contact Miranda and inform her that, while he greatly enjoyed his gift, Salvatore didn’t feel he would be able to appreciate her in the way she deserved to be appreciated in all her beauty and wonder, and that perhaps it would be better for Mother Miranda to find better arrangements for her elsewhere.

“I-it’s for the b-best… i-i think… a-after all… Nadine… d-doesn’t want t-to live i-in a d-dingy place… l-like this for… for the r-rest of h-her… l-life… m-much less with… w-with someone l-like me… s-she’d hate th-that… im c-certain” Salvatore laments aloud, dipping his head downward as tears of painful realization and sorrowful acceptance pour down his face like waterfalls of lonely depression, already fully set on contacting Mother Miranda as soon as morning came.

“While it's very kind of you to keep my best interest in mind, I do think I am more than capable of making my own decisions regarding what’s the best place for me, thank you very much” a soft voice responded suddenly, causing Salvatore’s head to whip in the direction the sound was coming from in startled shock. “This place is a little rundown, sure, but the windmills still stand tall and the water is always just the right temperature, so I don’t think this would be the worst place to live, if I had to… so long as I wasn’t alone, at least.”

Even in the dimly lit area located at the end of the hallway, Nadine still looked so gorgeously stunning and elegant. It was incredible how she managed to sound so casual and yet look so ethereal.

In the brief moment before his panic set in, Salvatore couldn’t help but pause and marvel at the spot down the hall where the young woman stood, her gaze locked directly onto him and yet she showed no signs of having seen him. She even went as far as to begin moving about behind the large boards that blocked her from entering the room, clearly trying to get a better look at the room and, more importantly, the person she suspects is in it.

After a surprisingly large jump that launched Nadine all the way up to the ceiling, just narrowly avoiding hitting her head, Salvatore’s eyes grew wide and his mouth hung open in stupefied shock as the sight of Nadine, moving the way she was at the end of the hallway, brought to Salvatore’s mind a scene from one of his favorite romance films. In the particular scene Salvatore is thinking of, the actress’ character is an aspiring prima ballerina, and she’s having a brief moment of bonding with her fellow ballerina’s after a long, but successful performance. Dressed in a nightgown not too unlike the one Nadine is currently wearing, the ballerina is showing the others how to do other kinds of dance, like polka or Irish step dancing, but by the end of the scene the group of ballerinas are all merely jumping about the room excitedly, laughing and cheering while carelessly throwing themselves into the air, only to land gracefully back on their feet.

While not exactly the same obviously, the resemblance between Nadine and the absolutely stunning ballerina in the movie, in both silhouette and style of movement, was almost uncanny.

Stretched out as high as her short legs would allow, strong and gorgeously defined muscles flexed almost instinctually with every rapid twist, curl, bend, and jump of the young woman’s tiny body. Her lucious silhouette was only aided by the feminine aura of the long, sheer nightgown as it trailed after her with every movement. The delicate satin material caresses the sharp ridges of her muscular back and shoulders with the same tenderness and love as it does the weight of her breasts or the pillowy layer of protection atop her midsection. The lower half of the nightgown, cinched just below the breasts, twisted and jerked in whatever direction was necessary to keep up with the speed at which Nadine was fluttering and jumping about upon the tips of her toes. Her legs were hidden by the ferocious speed of her movements, but Salvatore did not need to see her legs to have some idea of what they were, or perhaps merely could be, capable of.

Whether or not Nadine was actually a ballerina herself, or if Salvatore’s delusions were merely that realistic now, the young woman appeared to move with nothing but effortless grace that hides the raw power and physical strength it takes to float as carelessly and as quickly as the young woman was, clearly growing more and more frustrated the longer her search failed to reveal what she was looking for.

Still paralyzed by the sudden presence of Nadine in his personal space, Salvatore could do nothing but hold his breath and hope that the light at the end of the hall didn’t reach far enough to reveal his presence in the room. The TV was still on, but the movie playing on it had finished running long ago, meaning the only thing being displayed now was a static filled screen that proved someone had been here at some point in time, but thankfully wasn’t a dead giveaway from the start.

“Helloooooooo… I heard someone talking on my way in, so I know that someone is down here. Please… just come out, ok… I won’t hurt you… honestly” the raven haired woman begs softly, her movements slowing a bit to allow more of her air to be used for speaking rather than jumping to look over beams over and over again.

Salvatore’s heart ached at Nadine’s desperate tone, knowing all too well what the mutant woman is going through right now, but trying his best to remain strong, since giving in means dooming this perfect young specimen to a life of bitter misery and unending terror, regardless of the best effort he’d try to put in. Whatever short term gain Nadine could get from being with him would only come back to bleed her dry once Salvatore was sufficiently attached, and therefore unable to allow her to leave once she inevitably decides that she’s had enough of pretending to love a disgusting freak of nature.

Salvatore had never been very good at accurately predicting the outcomes of situations, but he knew for certain that Nadine was in no way deserving of the hellish punishment that living in the reservoir with him would undoubtedly become, if it didn’t start out that way from the beginning, that is. Perhaps the young woman could convince herself to accept her situation and play into his affections as a means of survival for a short time, but based on what he’s heard of Nadine thus far, Salvatore doubts such a strongwilled and dangerous woman would allow herself to play wife and sex slave to anyone for very long. If she didn’t somehow successfully murder him in his sleep within the first 48 hours of her “slavery”, it would only be a matter of time before she finally ran out of patience and unleashed... whatever the hell it was she did back in the labs, upon him.

For a brief moment, Salvatore entertains the question of whether Nadine could potentially be strong enough to take him out with a single hit, as well as whether that thought should be something he finds arousing or not. His thoughts are quickly interrupted however, by the sound of shuffling and grunting, and upon turning his head toward the sudden racket, Salvatore is horrified to see Nadine, just small enough to fit her tiny body between the thin cracks of the boarded up wall, attempting to climb through the barrier, and enter the TV room.

Body shaking and voice beginning to tremble slightly, alongside his already labored breathing, Salvatore unsteadily backed his way further into the room, putting his hands out in front of him as if to try and stop Nadine from entering, though he makes no move to physically eject the invading woman himself, oddly enough.

“N-nooo… p-please… don’t come i-in...” Salvatore stutters helplessly, shrinking further in on himself in fear as the young woman effortlessly slips through the wooden boards like a slippery eel, quickly and easily landing on her feet before turning back to the mostly darkened room.

“H-Hello?” Nadine calls out again nervously, taking a tentative step forward, both hands extended outward beside her until her left hand made contact with the wall. Gaining some purchase on the vertical slabs of wood, Nadine slowly turns her head to look about the room, carefully inspecting everything from atop the surface of Salvatore’s messy desk, to the very dark corner in the back right of the room that Salvatore himself was currently shoved as far into as physically possible.

Nadine stuck her arm out in front of her and began slowly walking toward the opposite wall, eyes open, but unfocused, and right hand waving aimlessly in the air for a brief moment, as though trying to feel around for the other wall despite it clearly being right in front of her. The hooded man had no idea how she hadn’t seen him yet, he could practically feel how absolutely ridiculous he looked, his bony, weathered, turtle-esque body hunched as low to the ground as possible with his chin tucked between his knees and hands covering the rest of his face, leaving only the smallest bit of space through which he could observe Nadine’s inevitable reaction to him. And yet, despite the amount of time the young woman spent glancing over Salvatore, back and forth across the room, her bright golden eyes resembling that of a ravenous alligator in their intensity and ferociousness, no scream left her plush lips nor did fear and horror suddenly mar her supple face. In fact, not only had the mutant woman not seen him yet, but it was in that exact moment that the reason why Nadine couldn’t see Salvatore, obviously shoved into the corner, just to her bottom left, became immediately clear to him.

“Y-You’re blind...”

[whisperingrockers]

would u. i dunno. perhaps articulate some thots on toh infinity train au 😳 if u can

HM. i will do my best. but...i dont really know how to organize my thoughts.  i guess i should probably just start with the characters and go from there, huh. also in this particular au these characters don’t actually take the place of tulip, lake, jesse, grace, etc- i think they’re all just there under different circumstances. 

Luz

okay so we’ll start with Luz because. she’s the main character, y’know. very important. i think the catalyst that brings her to the train is her mother signing her up for Reality Check summer camp because as a creative it’s just! disheartening to have someone you love tell you that you’re not going to make it in this world if you don’t conform to what everyone else wants. so of course when a huge mysterious locomotive suddenly pulls up to the bus stop you KNOW luz gets on, no hesitation. after all, isn’t that something right out of a sci-fi adventure novel? 

unlike tulip, luz is THRILLED to find herself on some unknowable train where each car is a new adventure just waiting to happen, where there are always new friends to make, new places to see, and tons of puzzles to solve? she’s made to feel like the protagonist right out one of her fave animes. 

also, really important to note that her number is probably tied to how she relates to the other passengers on the train. i feel like there’s an overarching theme in the show about how luz is going through a lot of firsts when it comes to interpersonal relationships, especially friendships, so i wanted to keep that going in this au- i imagine her number goes up when she finds her friends tapes and convinces them to watch with her because this is obviously the easiest and most straightforward way to get to know them! (luz poppin that bad boy into a vcr player: this mama is ready for trauma!) 

realized how wordy this is going to be LOL

Eda

hough so this is a human au also (i assume? infinity train world really do be existing in some limbo state of reality where your reflection can just up and ditch you). i see her as a jack of all trades, master of none type, with a lean towards perfumes and handmade soaps that she sells at fairs or farmers markets and also pickpocketing. i think she sees something that reminds her of the life she used to have/would have had before lilith [redacted because i do not know what she DID yet but on GOD we will have canon continuity] and that drives her to get on the next train headed anywhere.

her number is tied to how much she allows herself to open up; the more she uses her salesman cover to keep others at arms length, the higher her number goes, which is why it’s so important for her to team up with King and Luz; they help her open up and be more honest with herself.  

King

king is actually a denizen of the train in this au; i love him too much to turn him into a real ass dog, so i wont. eda meets him in a car full of plush toys, which he refers to lovingly as his army of the damned. i almost want to hold off on writing up any more for him because i know there’s more to king’s character than meets the eye. still torn between eda trying to bring him off the train with her or having him realize that the whole TRAIN is HIS KINGDOM, and all its passengers loyal peons who need their mighty rulers HELP, for without him they would PERISH.

for now though eda sees him and is immediately like get over here (reaching emoji) 

Willow 

willow is a tough one for me because in all honesty having your longtime friend tell you out of the blue that they can’t be friends with you anymore would be enough to send me packing to the train, but with willow i think it’s less about amity and more about how the fallout between them affects her social and academic success. the frustration reaches a tipping point that has her running out of the classroom and finding the train. 

and yes, willow is a very sensible, bright girl, but she was also SO ready to trick the principle and steal from the emperor for her friend so i don’t think getting on a mystery train is wholly out of the question for her, y’know? 

There’s a lot about repression in the way willow deals with things generally, so her number is tied to passivity. the more she allows others to infringe on her personal boundaries to keep them placated, the higher her number goes. when she stands up for herself to others (sometimes even her friends!) the number goes up. willow x agency and clear limitations is my otp

Gus

gus was actually a SUPER easy one for me we know so much about him from the episodes he’s been in; he’s an overachiever, he’s passionate about what he loves, he’s a natural showman, and he is constantly pushing himself to be the best that he can be, all the time. the hustle doesn’t STOP for gus, and i...i...(tears up) 

anyways, i think the thing that draws him to the train is getting suddenly ousted from the club he formed at school. he’s young, and having everyone you had assumed were your friends turn their back on you and throw you out of the space that you CREATED FOR THEM would be shocking to anyone, but it broke gus’ heart clean in two. after he’d picked his bag and himself up off the hallway floor, he’d left the building in a daze, not even realizing as he boarded the train door that had suddenly opened up in front of him until it was too late. 

i’m actually going to go so far as to say that gus would likely be the one MOST interested in the truth of the train- he’d be asking the tough questions, like what is the purpose of the train? who made it and its technology? where does it exist that it can be both at his school and also speeding across a barren desert landscape at the same time? How does it create sentient lifeforms? the train helps him discover a new passion; journalism. he finds a journal that speaks to him as a friend and advisor in one of the trains, and he takes careful note of everything that happens to and around him. by the time he meets up with willow, he’s got so many ideas and theories that the other girl would have never thought to consider until that very moment. 

idk what his number relates to because he’s perfect the way he is but if i had to take a shot in the dark it probably has something to do with finding somewhere he feels he can belong, as well as being able to mourn and let go of the people he’d considered his friends before he’d gotten on the train. 

sorry this is so long i just have a lot of . gus feelings. 

Amity ( + Edric + Emira )

lumping these whites together 

okay so nobody wants to hear me talk about blight angst there are 800 posts about blight angst, so long story short the three siblings run away, get into an argument with each other, amity ditches them for the train while they’re asleep, and the twins panic and chase after her, determined to find her because in the end they’re all they’ve got. 

‘next stop: amity blight’ 

i think it’d be a cool journey to see the three of them going from ‘we need to be together out of necessity’ to ‘we need to be together because we love each other, and that genuine support structure will pull us through when everything else fails.’ but in order for that to happen they all have to have their own journey, so at some point edric and emira finally get into a spat and that’s enough to get edric and emira stuck on opposite ends of a retracting bridge. send that mans to the BACK of the train. 

emira: my greatest fear is being stuck with edric forever emira: (gets separated from edric)  emira: haha wait please say psyche

amity’s number is definitely tied to her fear of failure, of not being enough for the people she holds closest to her- in this case her siblings, and then lilith, and then luz when they finally meet. when she acts without concern for what the people around her think and when she sticks up for what she knows is right, even when the majority is against her, her number goes down. 

for ed and em im...i don’t want to think about their feelings because they’re supposed to be clowns but i am forced to consider that they may be jealous of their sisters independence. also separating them means they both have to take responsibility for all their own actions and choices, which is probably pretty new for the twins. 

Lilith 

im out of energy actually znzzzsnsz uh. estranged sister who sees something that reminds her of the relationship she used to have and she’s not actually as over it as she thought so the train....she..hghrg

[athenadcvell]

WandaVision Spoilers Ahead!!!

Okay, so here are some things I noticed in today’s episode. Now, there was a lot but these were the key things that had me SHOOK. If you haven’t seen the episode, GO WATCH IT RN

Agnes is AWARE. Unlike the other characters, Wanda does not seem to be in her head. She is choosing to play along with the sitcom, which just further adds on to the popular Agatha Harkness theory

That director dude is giving me very strong Secretary Ross energy and I hate him for it. Idk if he’s one of the bad guys, but he’s def acting sus

We found out what Wanda’s trigger is, and honestly, I don’t blame her. SWORD had no right to take Vision’s body, and disassemble him like. He was the love of her life, and they took him apart for weapons. Of course she’s gonna be mad, especially after the losses she just went through. Considering how calm she was at Tony’s funeral, I’m guessing this set her off

Wanda can LEAVE??? I thought maybe someone was making her stay in Westview and control everyone, but she strutted out like the bad bitch she is and almost made the director piss his pants. She’s so powerful but also terrifies me

Monica has beef with Carol? Idk if anyone else caught that, but when Jimmy mentioned Carol, Monica immediately tensed up and changed the subject. Maybe Carol hasn't reached out to her yet following her resurrection, or something much bigger happened? Hope they expand on that next episode

The twins know A LOT. They seem as aware as Agnes is, which makes me think they might not just be actors in her sitcom. Also, anyone catch how one is dressed in red and the other blue? That’s a big hint towards their powers, and I can’t wait till they get old enough to tap into them (which will prob be soon, lets be honest)

Sparky the dog was def a metaphor for Pietro. The way the twins kept saying “Just bring him back” instead of “Bring the dog back” makes me think they were actually referring to Pietro. 

I think Wanda is mentally unstable and not actually in control of anything. The way she told the twins that life has rules contradicts how she brought Vision back. That was the common sense talking, but her emotions drive her to do harmful things. I’ve been saying this, but someone is pulling the strings and it ain’t Wanda

Anyone else notice how Vision is extremely emotional? He never gets that emotional, mainly because his emotional capacity doesn’t really extend that far. But he was full on screaming and feeling genuine fear, so I think Vision is different. Like he’s not the same android that he was in Infinity War, but it’s a very loose theory

EVAN FUCKING PETERS IS HERE Y’ALL

I’m gonna make a whole other post just about quicksilver, but Wanda def did not bring him there. This is setting up for Multiverse of Madness and I am PUMPED

[tarysande]

It’s the Dose that Makes the Poison: Lucifer Thoughts and Speculation

I’m going to throw the entirety of this under a cut because spoilers. I’ve been rearranging the pieces on the table and I have some meta and a plausible(?) theory about how things might shake out.

...this is almost four thousand words long, and frankly? I feel I’ve barely grazed the surface.

Also, I put it on AO3 for ease of reading and/or in case anyone wants to have, idk, threaded conversations ;D

Okay. Here are a bunch of the pieces. (Or the piece is here, as it were.)

First: The show has always been about redemption; the showrunners throw that word around all the time. Second: I don’t think we’re going to see an endgame or a narrative where God is evil. So, how to make the concept of literal Hell work, then? How to explain or justify the idea of a father who a) kicked his kid out of the house and sent him to Hell for-literal-ever and b) created children for specific “of God” purposes.

Hell

In 5x01, Lee says, “Whose Hell is this, anyway?” and ... I think that’s the crux of the matter. In S3, Lucifer realizes he gave himself the face of a monster because he felt monstrous. But the truth is, he didn’t just give himself the face.

He gave himself the place, too. 5x01 is littered with clues that indicate this. Lucifer says “you to your torture and me to mine.” Lee’s entire speech—the one that pushes all Lucifer’s buttons because of course Lucifer’s projecting all over Lee’s “worst memory”—might as well be Lucifer talking to himself (not unlike Uriel in Lucifer’s hell loop). You know, the part of Lucifer that’s starting to understand all the psychological stuff Linda’s been yammering on about.

Lucifer created Hell. To torture himself for what he believes he did. He created the mechanism that you can walk out any time you like—but no one ever does. None of the doors are locked, right? 

On some level, Lucifer, who is all about fairness and justice, looked at what he did and decided the Hell as we’ve seen it was the appropriate punishment. And with Lee, Lucifer almost figures out that the goal of “Hell” isn’t to eternally loop through guilt-fueled self-torture but to forgive yourself and apologize or make amends or not repeat the mistakes. Most of all, learn that nothing changes if you stay in the loop and the only way to break the loop is to take risk that you might fuck up and do something that you feel guilty for again. 

Names/Family

Something that’s always jumped out at me is that no matter how many millennia have passed, Lucifer—to whom nicknames and names are canonically really goddamned important—always refers to his family by their familial connection to him “brother, sister, Mum, Dad.” When he banished himself from Heaven—and I’m starting to think he did—he didn’t stop feeling like he was a part of his family. Even when he wanted to eat Amenadiel’s heart someday, he still called him “brother.” Even when Uriel was threatening Chloe (and Mum), he was still “brother.”

For that matter, isn’t it interesting that all Lucifer’s estranged siblings refer to him by the name he chose for himself—not the one he was given? Except, of course, when they want to hurt him. We’ve known since what, S1? That Lucifer cannot abide the name Samael. Even Uriel calls him Lucifer. Or Luci. Mum calls him Lucifer. Lucifer was given Poison of God and he chose Bringer of Light. And everyone who loved (and loves) him said, “All right. Lucifer it is.” And though Lucifer is originally a little eye-rolly with nicknames—Luce, Luci—it’s fond, not the “I’m going to rip out your spine and beat you to death with it” response Samael elicits. Essentially, Samael is Lucifer’s deadname. And people who use intentionally are dismissing and rejecting the identity Lucifer chose, which is vile.

When I was researching/writing Taking the Fall and I knew I wanted to talk about the name thing, I came across this quotation ascribed to Paracelsus, and it really resonated: “All things are poison, and nothing is without poison, the dosage alone makes it so a thing is not a poison.” The dosage, in fact, is the difference between whether something is a poison or a cure. And if that doesn’t align with the themes of the show, I don’t know what does. 

Lucifer has spent all this time thinking he is a poison; he has never imagined that he might be a cure. (To angels embracing their free will; to ending the sharp black and white segregation between Heaven and Hell; to darkness, to fear. Yet the more Lucifer learns and the healthier he gets, the more we see cures in what he does: i.e., Brody and also, you know, solving crimes.)

Michael, on the other hand, means “Who is like God?” It’s meant to be a rhetorical question, but in the universe of the show, I think Michael’s twisted version is that he used the question “Who is like God?” to plant the seed of Lucifer’s rebellion ... and is now answering the question “Who is like God?” with the reply, “I am."

Maze

But just in case we head too far down the Lucifer is Great line of thinking, we’ve got a big old example of how he’s still a poison, too.

Contrast this discussion of family with the lesson Lucifer still needs to learn about Maze—he’s managed to absorb that she’s not his servant anymore, but he’s still clinging to that soulless demon/just a demon dismissiveness. And despite self-worth coming from within, bitches, Maze still hasn’t truly absorbed that. She still looks outside for validation—and resents or backslides when she doesn’t get it. Especially from Lucifer. Because Lucifer was the first being to treat her like she mattered. She admires him. Looks up to him. Loves him. In many ways, Maze is the shadow of Chloe—drawn to Lucifer but never, from his perspective, his equal or his partner.

And he, for all the strides he’s made, still default to “demon” as derogatory and dismissive. Something she can’t transcend, even though all the evidence suggests the contrary. As long as Lucifer sees Maze as just a demon, she can’t truly escape from that identity. 

Why does Maze keep “betraying” Lucifer? It’s tempting to think it’s because she’s a demon. Because she doesn’t have “a soul.” But that’s not true. She can learn; she learns from “betraying” Chloe and doesn’t do it a second time. She learns from “betraying” Linda and Trixie. Even she and Amenadiel seem to have reached a real (and much more healthy) understanding of who they are to each other.

She keeps betraying Lucifer because he keeps deserving it.  

Servants 

The thing is, I think there’s something important in Lucifer’s “You’re not my servant anymore” to Maze. Because I think angels believe they are God’s servants. And I suspect the reason God’s been so AFK is because he really wanted them to ... break free of that. On their own. Without him telling them to—because if he told them, it wouldn’t be choice anymore. It wouldn’t be free will. It would be Following The Will of DadGod. 

Here’s another relevant Paracelsus quotation: “No one who can stand alone by himself should be the servant of another.” 

Angels self-actualize. They have powers. Sometimes those powers change (as with Amenadiel). I don’t think angels ever lacked free will. 

What is self-actualization but literal free will? You become what you believe you are; you do what you think you’re supposed to. You literally change based on your choices and feelings about those choices. Angels basically have human free will on a kind of EXTREME SCALE that they’ve remained mostly ignorant of throughout time. But how do you get your kids to figure something out without telling them how to figure it out when they’ve all got this WILL OF DAD complex? He gave them the tool of self-actualization. When they didn’t ... do that, he created humanity. He tinkered with the model. Took away the names and the powers that were such a stumbling block for his angels and such a shining example of how he failed them. If someone hangs on your every word, if you are not just their father but their master, how can they ever know love? Trust? How can they ever be free? Be themselves? I think God wanted his angel children to learn from his human children and was disappointed when they pretty much decided to just be remote and Angelically Superior All The Time, instead. Of course, that's mostly on him, too.

Except Lucifer. Because Lucifer’s curiosity (yes, from the beginning of time) kept bringing him so close to figuring things out. (Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven, amirite, Paradise Lost?) And as close as he was to figuring things out, Lucifer was still prideful and selfish and superior. The result was what happened with (and in) Hell. Things got twisted down there; he was in a God role over the demons and he was not hands-off. Cue endless loops of pain and torture and despair and self-recrimination and poison. Lilith may have started their pain, but Lucifer, however unintentionally or ignorantly, continued it. 

At least Lucifer could escape it sometimes. Those poor demons. Those poor abandoned children. They had two rocks.

Pretty sure there’s going to be an echo of Dad abandonment with his angel kids and Lilith of her demon kids, by the by. Because abandonment is a theme. And good intentions or not, well, you know what they say about the road to Hell.

Humanity The more Lucifer interacted with humanity, the more he learned from humanity. And, of course, the entire journey of the series has been about Lucifer learning, growing, adapting, changing because of this. And not in a Superior Angelic Way, but in a person-to-person real way. Not just with Chloe. With everyone.  But yeah, Chloe is the catalyst—precisely because (as Amenadiel says) she’s the only mortal who sees Lucifer for who he really is, without her reflected desires getting in the way. No one, no one else can truly reflect back to him his worthiness or lack thereof.

Does Chloe have a power? It’s not laser-beam hands. But I’ve always thought Chloe has the power of seeing things and, in seeing, encouraging others to see, too. And this is most obvious with Lucifer, whose power has never let him be seen. Because of his power, he can never know if the reactions of others are about him or about their own desires. 

What agony for someone whose chosen path is bringing light: to be forever hidden in the shadow of the light others see.

Until Chloe.

Michael tells Lucifer his greatest fear is that of being unworthy. We know Lucifer has always feared he’s not worthy of Chloe. But now that she’s told him, shown him, his worthiness? You’d better believe that he will never, ever abandon her—will never, ever let her suffer from her worst fear. Gosh, and by suddenly being invulnerable again, it’s almost like he’s assured that, isn’t it? “You make me vulnerable” was about his walls. “My invulnerability ensures I will never, ever abandon you,” is all about hers.

So, back to learning from humanity. We’ve seen Lucifer and Amenadiel do it. It’s been hinted that Azrael has done it, at least a little. Then we have Michael’s frustrated tale of how the other angel siblings are taking note of Lucifer’s actions—with the implication being that maybe they’re learning, too. Maybe they’re starting to understand that they can be more than they think they have been made to be. More than just a “Something” of God.

Control 

Meanwhile, of course, Michael’s concocted some kind of Make Heaven Great Again plot—ironically, it appears, by doing exactly what he accused Lucifer of doing: believing he can run things better than Dad. And, I suspect, by trying to set himself as Master and his siblings (and other assorted peons) as his servants. Only, he’s not doing it in Lucifer’s ultimately forthright (and even honest) way of “This sucks and I’m rebelling” but in a conniving, secretive, Machiavellian way that probably sounds a lot like “Dad says” or “Dad’s not here” or “Who is closer to God than I?” ...

Who is like God, indeed. He even throws down the word archangel when he speaks to Dan: an angel above even other angels. I’m 99% sure that word’s never been used before on the show. Because that’s what Michael desires. To be more. To be everything. To control.

He’s what Lucifer was as the Lord of Hell. He’s everything Lucifer has made such progress toward overcoming.

Incidentally, and also essay-worthy: This is why the progression of the scene where Lucifer and Chloe make love is so incredibly (heh) important: Lucifer of the perfect appearance, perfect pocket square, perfect car, perfectly clean apartment; Lucifer of control control control control ... surrenders. He offers. She accepts. And in these first moments—“Incredible,” he breathes before they’ve done anything more than kiss—she is above him, in control ... and nothing bad happens. Nothing hurts him even though she makes him hurt-able. She doesn’t take advantage of him. She loves him; she treasures him; she protects him. It’s beautiful. It’s everything he’s been so afraid he could never have.

And for the first time (very possibly) ever, he sees himself as worthy. He sees himself as belonging. He believes he is not alone; he is not lonely.

Power

Amenadiel “lost” his power to stop time when he decided he didn’t want to stand apart from humanity anymore. Essentially, just as he lost his wings when he was so horrified and disgusted by what he’d done (to Lucifer, with Malcolm, etc.) he caused himself to Fall. He regained his wings when he made it his purpose to bring Charlotte to Heaven. He stopped time again in S5 when the question of humanity—of his own child being human, and thus ‘not like him’ or ... not that ‘special’—reared its head. With the nuns, he reflects their love of God, right? And in part, that’s because he’s in this father (or Father) role now. 

Angel powers, like all power really, are double-edged. In the wrong hands or twisted the wrong way, a good power can bring about evil. Look at the almost throwaway line with Brody in 5x02: Lucifer’s “desire” power—so often spun as about sin or hedonism—brought Brody peace and forgiveness. That Lucifer doesn’t lie or take without giving in return indicates that, on some level, the level that values true justice—and even a bit of mercy—he was never able to use that power against others (the way we see Michael do with his); he didn’t want to use as he felt he’d been used; he also didn’t want to feel used by those whose desires he provided (this is why the parade of one-night stands and “it was just sex—great sex, but just sex” partners upset him so much back in S2). Favors—and even the give and take of sex—were a way to balance that scale. Again, this could be a whole essay all its own.

This makes me suspect that the dark side of Lucifer’s powers played some part in his Rebellion. That he abused desire the way we’ve seen Michael abuse fear. 

So, about that power of fear, then. I mean, it just sounds negative. How can FEAR be positive, right? But if Michael were using his powers to draw out fears so they’re named and dealt with (LIKE PEOPLE DO IN THERAPY???) instead of manipulated for personal gain—it could be a very healing power (LIKE THERAPY???).

Greatest Strength/Greatest Weakness

The absolute thematic and narrative brilliance of twin brothers having the powers of fear and desire whilst also being held back BY the “power” of their twin is so amazing it really needs its own essay. But I do want to mention this relative to the overall arc heading forward. Much of Lucifer’s work with Linda has been about addressing his fears; he’s made a ton of progress with this. As I mentioned earlier, with Linda’s guidance, Lucifer has been drawing out his fears in a safe(r) space and learning to deal with them and heal. And, in doing so, his own power of reflecting desire has increasingly been less and less about artisanal honey and car batteries and more about drawing out desires that help others heal, grow, become their best selves, release their inner demons.

Michael is (both literally and figuratively) twisted by his desires (to be powerful, to be stronger/better/more admired than his brother). I’ll bet some cold hard cash that if Lucifer’s the source of the original injury to his shoulder/wing, Michael has self-actualized into keeping that injury—perhaps even magnifying it—to a) manipulate others into feeling sorry for him, b) to remind everyone who looks at him how awful Lucifer is, and c) to trick people into believing he’s weaker than he is. 

At the end of the day, fear and desire are two of the strongest motivating forces in the world (universe); the show is showing us all the messy ways those forces come into play. And it’s also showing how connection and love and trust are the forces that both fight the worse facets of these powers and that let these forces be useful in helpful and ultimately healing ways.

Because THERAPY.

Home

So, we know we’re rolling toward what was meant to be a series finale; it’s time to start tying loose ends together, right? Again and again, the question of home comes up. Lucifer only ever refers to Los Angeles as his home. Maze, on the other hand, still defaults to Hell as home. 

Hell as we know it is over. But Hell as a place where Maze tries to impart the lessons she’s learned on Earth to her abandoned, twisted-by-hate-and-loneliness-and-Lilith siblings? Perhaps even with Eve “mother of all humanity” at her side to help clean up some of the mess Lilith made when she decided to abandon connection in favor of more selfish desire? I think that’s plausible, while also managing a significant nod at where Mazikeen ends up in the comics and a heavy dash of “the things we learn from therapy and/or being best friends with a therapist.” 

Now, I know the question of how things will end for Chloe and Lucifer is contentious in fandom. So, you know, grain of salt. I don’t think Lucifer’s home is Los Angeles; the Los Angeles in Hell wasn’t enough because it didn’t have her in it. In a literal embodiment of “Home is where the heart is,” Lucifer’s home is with Chloe. And since Chloe’s worst fear is abandonment, Lucifer will do what it takes to stay with her—because that’s what’s most important to him. The utterly unselfish choice. I think there’s some pretty reasonable foreshadowing (Lilith’s choice—if that choice was even real, of course—for example) that Lucifer may choose to renounce his immortality. Or to give it to someone else. Or that immortality won’t matter at all anymore. 

From his reactions in 5x07/08, we know that Lucifer’s identity and ideas of usefulness/self-worth/worthiness of love are still connected to his identity as an immortal with powers; I think, though, he’s beginning to piece together the complications therein, especially regarding questions of partnership and vulnerability and equality. 

Personally, Human!Lucifer has never been my preferred outcome, but I can see how it might work/might be what they’re heading for. Even if I’d still prefer the “you can use me as a bullet shield” partnership with supernatural elements—because those have always been at the heart of their partnership. The strengths of one make up for the weaknesses in the other (and vice versa).

Hell (Redux)

Finally, I’m still pretty sure we’re going to see a complete overhaul of the Heaven/Hell dichotomy. One with a lot less THIS IS THE WAY IT IS BECAUSE CONTROL and a lot more CHOICES MATTER (maybe Linda can have a turn as a salamander after all). And a major catalyst, of course, is Lucifer and his love for the chosen family on earth (and through them, a renewed love for the estranged family he’s never actually stopped loving; 5x01 basically makes canon that it's not that Lucifer hates his family—it's that he's terrified of disappointing them again, of causing problems again). 

So why does Hell have to change?

Because right now, every human he loves is sure they’re going to Hell. And after all the time and all these friendships, can you really see Lucifer being okay with that? Okay with Ella or Linda or Dan or Trixie tormenting themselves for all eternity? When he wasn’t even okay with Mr. Said Out Bitch doing so? When he gave this guy who he barely knows every opportunity to change his fate in ways he’s never done for any other tortured soul? Because they had a tenuous connection on earth?

Can you see him being okay with Chloe choosing Hell to be with him?

When it boils right down to it, Lucifer has learned to love others. And I think, especially given his revelations about self-loathing last season, that love isn’t going to let him be okay with or encourage the self-loathing in others. Love—selfless love, real love—is, in fact, the cure to the very concept of Hell. 

And it’s also the cure to the very concept of Heaven, too.

How could Heaven ever be perfect if the people you love aren’t in it?

It can’t. It might be more silver and have fewer demons, but I don’t think it’s any less an eternal torture. Eve basically tells us as much.

So, on that note, I’ll leave you with another fine quotation from Paracelsus:

“When a man undertakes to create something, he establishes a new heaven, as it were, and from it the work that he desires to create flows into him... For such is the immensity of man that he is greater than heaven and earth.”

And that, I think, is going to be the takeaway. We create what we are; we choose what we create. And in the act of that creation, we choose whether we are the poison or the remedy. And if we make mistakes, slip up, hurt people, hurt ourselves—it’s not a Hell-sentence. It’s the dose that makes the poison. We learn, we grow, we apologize, we strive to make things better, we love and love and love and love, and we never stop striving to be the cure.   

[murdereraisuha]

I wrote this for myself to try and organize my current theories on TWST, but I might as well keep this blog going even though I’m out of ideas for card maker memes.

This is basically a rant that starts out with theorizing about RSA, the Cater=Cinderella theory, and Split Card, but then spirals into a Cater character analysis.

For anyone who doesn’t know the Cinderella theory, it’s basically just Cater might have something to do with Cinderella because he has two bossy sisters, and during the ghost marriage there was this whole thing where Riddle needs to rescue Cater before midnight because of some Queen of Hearts rule. 

Spoilers for Cater’s personal stories (including his halloween outfit story) and chat, and chapter 4 of the main story. Okay now let’s get into it. Over 1,800 words geez what am I doing with my life

   Aight so Ace and Deuce don't have their unique magics yet and there is obviously Something going on with Cater so it really makes me think that we're gonna return to Heartslabyul somewhere down the line. We know there's gotta be more stuff with RSA, so that might tie into the Cater = Cinderella theory. Maybe we have a chapter focusing on RSA and Cater will be the main focus or ally for that. IDK man, I'm still kind of eh on the Cinderella theory cause it makes a lot of sense but we already have Mozus being the evil stepmother. Him and Cater are from the same hometown (?) but my concern is that if Cater is a main focus and he gets connected to Mozus then Mozus would also be in the spotlight which would be odd given how nothing seems to suggest that the teachers (except Crowley) getting bigger roles in the story. However, it could always be a situation like with Farena where Mozus is there and some sort of connection is briefly discussed but he isn't important and maybe someone else takes the role of evil stepmother in the story.

   Ok idk so we're gonna go back to Cater. If the Cinderella theory is true, we gotta consider how exactly Cater represents Cinderella. Does he represent Cinderella in the way that he's twisted from her (ex. Azul & Ursula) or that he just takes the role of Cinderella for a chapter (ex. Azul & The Genie)? The fact that he uses dark magic points to it being the latter, that he really is twisted from a card soldier. However, we gotta consider 1. the nature of his unique magic 2. the plot of Cinderella. Though we know he has the ability to clone himself, we don't know how exactly this works. Are the clones identical, or do/can they have differences? In episode 1-15, the Cater clones all have slightly different responses ("はーい" "まかせて！" "おっけー♪") to getting ready to paint the roses. Given how clones don't exist in real life, it's impossible to tell whether this variation indicates actual differences in personality, is just due to the clones' slightly different experiences (like a sort of butterfly effect), or if it's just a decision by the writer so they aren't repetitive. Another thing to note is that in that same episode Cater claims that cloning himself is tiring. If this is the only source for this information, there's the possibility that it just was a lie to let him manipulate the 1st years into helping him paint. Finally, Cater's ability makes me think of Twice from BNHA. Can only the original Cater create clones? Or is he like Twice in that his clones can also make clones, therefore making it impossible for anyone, including himself, to tell who is the original?

  What I'm getting at here is the possibility of Cater having clones that 1. stick around permanently and 2. are significantly different than him. This would create the possibility of him being twisted from both the card soldiers and Cinderella, but he is able to use his clone ability to split up those aspects of himself. One Cater is the card soldier one normally walking around NRC and who has dark magic, but then there's another Cinderella Cater who has light magic. Assuming this is what is going on, it would kind of connect to his two-sided personality, where he presents his bubbly, social-media addict personality to the world but has another, depressed, more private personality underneath. 

  Now, getting into what I mentioned before about the plot of Cinderella, Cinderella normally looks like a humble servant. However, with the aid of the fairy godmother, she completely transforms herself into a breathtaking princess so she can go to the ball. However, once the clock strikes midnight, she transforms back. Basically, Cinderella has the ability of transformation, to have two completely different versions of herself. One version is her true, plain self, while the other is a flashy deception. This information strengthens what I just said about Cater's personality and clone ability.

  Actually, just going into Cater's personality for a bit (yeah, “a bit” lol)... He has a big focus on always being presentable. In his lab coat, he seems pretty desperate to hide all evidence of his true self, claiming that he just failed at putting his magic in the depressed mandrake and then hiding all his other mandrakes aside from the fun ones. This desperation is similar to Cinderella's, with how she flees the ball in a hurry once it reaches midnight so no one will see how she truly looks once the spell breaks. Now, why do Cater and Cinderella behave the way they do? I don't remember Cinderella's exact motivations for attending the ball, but wikipedia says that she had to flee the ball because if the spell broke there she could get caught by her stepmother & stepsisters. What is Cater's "ball"? Well, because of his strong social media presence, his "ball" is basically everywhere, all the time. If something happens on social media that exposes his true self, breaking his "spell", not only can other students see it, but his sisters can also see it.

  Cater hates sucking up to his older sisters, which implies that he has had to suck up to his older sisters and put up his happy front around them too. Just like how Cinderella can't afford to let her stepsisters realize her true identity at the ball, Cater can't afford to let his sisters realize his true self. It's honestly kind of sad; unlike Cinderella, whose stepsisters only showed up later in her life, Cater's older sisters have been around him and making him miserable for all of his life.

  Kinda unrelated, but looking though Cater's chats, in the one he has with Trey they talk about the Queen of Hearts and her love for sweets, Cater remarks that he wants to have tea with her too, leading Trey to say that Cater would be unable to befriend her since they're in different social classes. Isn't this basically a genderbent version of Cinderella, just a commoner, wanting to go to the ball where the Prince is? 

  Now going back to Cater's personality. Even if he does fear his sisters, that doesn't seem to fully explain his 24/7 pep and focus on being magicammable. Now, what if we say that happiness=nobility. In Cinderella, she dresses up like nobility so she can remain in the ball where the actually rich people are. What if Cater is acting happy so he can fit in with the people around him, who are naturally happy enough that they don't need to fake it? Is this a fake it until you make it situation? At the end of his ceremony robes story, after he says he's tired and doesn't care about the ceremony, he says he's just kidding and goes back to talking about the selfies he took that day. Even though he's alone and wouldn't really get hurt for dropping his performance. It gives the vibe to me that his situation is not like Jamil's, where he's fully aware he's unhappy, deliberately acts otherwise in front of others, and tries to eliminate the cause of his unhappiness. Instead, Cater is trying to eliminate his unhappiness itself. He grasps onto magicam because if he fills up his account with pictures of a happy life, it's like he's actually living a happy life.

  This idea I have of Cater trying to fit in also goes along with his focus on the current trends, like in one of his gym uniform voice lines where he panics at the idea of not knowing about a new popular game. Rather than making his own aesthetics or trends, he goes along with the crowd. Sweets and desserts are trendy? Then he'll take tons of pictures of them and say they're super delicious even if he actually hates sweet food. He disregards or evades his own preferences to create the appearance that he's just like everyone else, and he puts effort into staying up to date so he can maintain that appearance.

  Moving on, I reread his halloween outfit personal story. Something that stuck out was the end, when Cater thinks that Lilia wouldn't understand what he's going through. Specifically, Lilia wouldn't understand his 下らなくてどーしよーもない feelings. According to jisho, 下らない can mean trivial/not worth bothering with/worthless, and it can also mean stupid/absurd/silly. Then, どーしよーもない (どうしようもない)  means something that can't be helped, that has no way out of it. Doesn't this seem kind of odd? That he claims his feelings are just trivial then but also he can't help having them? Is this a contradiction? Or is it something like he believes that most people wouldn't have these silly feelings but he specifically is too weak to push past them?

  For self-esteem though, he seems to at least be trying to boost it. Like in his gym uniform story, when he decides to just clone himself and have each one run 1 lap instead of him running 5 by himself, his clones all praise him for the idea. However, this could be a fake it until you make it thing again. The praise does seem a bit heavy-handed. 

  There's also the whole thing in the 2nd part of the story where he talks about all the shallow friendships he has made. He notes that he'd rather have a casual time with people rather than get attached. That plus his family situation... means he's really never had anyone to trust. Anyway, he then goes on to talk about how magicame is amazing for helping him maintain all these casual friendships. So there we have another reason for his social media addiction: not only does it let him create a picture of happiness, he can get tons of feedback affirming his happiness and serving as proof of happiness. How can he possibly be lonely if he has so many friends?

  Both in his ceremony robes and halloween outfit stories have a moment where Cater is tired and admits he's tired but then downplays it. Yeah, the ceremony was tiring, but he got tons of great pictures out of it! Yeah, dealing with guests was rough, but at the same time all the halloween stuff was exciting! This sort of thing is a pretty common strategy for increasing the persuasiveness of an argument. By first agreeing (yes, he's tired) with the opposing view (he is not happy), he can then push his own view (he is happy) and point at his earlier concession as proof that he has looked at both sides of the issue instead of only looking for evidence of his own belief. 

 So basically what I'm getting here is that Cater Is Not Okay. Prevented from building close bonds with friends or family, he's reinforcing his isolation himself through his fervent efforts to never let anyone close and never let his mask drop. He's gone so far as to try and convince himself that he's happier than he actually is through self-deception and social media.

  Alright that’s all I got for now see ya

[tabriscadash]

I was asked this on my old blog right as I set about transitioning to this one, so...

The first character I ever fell in love with: for DA:O, dare I say Daveth? What can I say -- I irrationally got incredibly attached to him. otherwise, DEFINITELY Morrigan, and I have crystal clear memories of my first run through Lothering and looking at Morrigan like 😍 the whole time. For DA:2/E, Carver -- unless you count Anders & Justice since I knew of them from Awakening beforehand, in which case probably Justice. For DA:I, it’s a toss-up between Vivienne or Cole -- I technically liked Cole first but SPECIFICALLY in the supporting material (Asunder), and didn’t vibe with him anywhere near as much in the game, AND I got him as a companion after I got Vivienne, so probably Vivienne.

A character that I used to love/like, but now do not: for DA:O, I guess Oghren? I never loved him, but I liked the idea of him because I really liked the dwarves/Orzammar side of DA’s worldbuilding -- but he’s such an unlikeable character that I just.. don’t vibe with him at all. I debate recruiting him every single time now, and I don’t think I ever do his personal quest (in the base game OR Awakening). for DA:2/E, I don’t really have anyone that fits -- but I REALLY wanted to like Merrill and Aveline more than I did, and especially in Aveline’s case, I can’t stand her and genuinely think she’s the unintended, secret Big Bad of the whole game. for DA:I, probably Cole, bc I was really into the idea of a little walking-corpse serial killer animated by a spirit as per the book, but that’s not really the vibe in DA:I, and combined with the somewhat patronising/ableist language and how significantly he is infantilised (including by the fandom) I just got put off him. I do still like him, but not as much.

A ship that I used to love/like, but now do not: for DA:O, I don’t really have one? I guess see my DA:I answer, lol... for DA:2/E, has to be Anders - I don’t think he’s OOC in 2, but I think his writing does so little with him and he feels v. reductive. Where his relationship could be SO interesting and angsty, it instead is written in a really dull and/or cringey way. It would have been nice to see Anders more like the Anders of Awakening near the beginning of the game (rather than random, infrequent and questionably rare snippets), and then see the progression of his relationship with Justice as the game went on -- I want more interesting abominations, PLEASE. for DA:I, listen I cannot express to you HOW EXCITED I was for my planned Lavellan to romance Sera… also I used to be way more tolerant of Cullen x Amell/Surana ships because, like, hey dark ships are fun, right? But since Cullen’s ~wholesome whitewash~ in DA:I, and his fandom clamouring to absolve him of any wrongdoing ever.. it’s boring to me.

My ultimate favourite character™: for DA:O, probably Sten? or Morrigan. They’re both fantastic, and also are significant comfort chars for me. for DA:2/3, honestly, probably my own Hawke -- I feel so hugely proud of her, and can’t imagine I’d enjoy the game anywhere near as much had I not played it as my Hawke. If not her, maybe Sebastian or Carver? for DA:I, I really love Vivienne, as well as Blackwall, and Solas is a great character even if I probably would not say I liked him.

Prettiest character: for DA:O, we all know it’s Zevran. for DA:2/E, I think Aveline -- although her aggressively bland colour-scheme lets her down in a major way (although I respect her dedication to all orange all day every day). There’s just something about her arms -- very Abby from TLOU:2. for DA:I, maybe Josephine? Ser Barris is very pretty, too...

My most hated character: for DA:O, I really didn’t like Alistair, Wynne and Oghren, and of my companions - Oghren is probably my least favourite. He’s vulgar and also profoundly uninteresting. for DA:2/E, it has to be Aveline. There’s just something about ineptitude and a complete, wilful refusal to take accountability for your actions that I can’t stand. It would be okay if it was an intentional character flaw, but the game/narrative treats her like she’s lawful good and it really annoys me. for DA:I, maybe Iron Bull? He was a huge disappointment for me. I also really dislike Sera, Cassandra, and Varric. I’m so sick of Varric - I never want to see him again.

My OTP: for DA:O, I really loved Zevran’s romance -- but I am also very amused by the fact that Leliana got to ‘love’ status with Kallian accidentally, AND I got the ‘love’ glitch for Justice (👀) and Velanna. I do sometimes wonder about an AU where Kallian is forced to make a politically expedient marriage with Nathaniel Howe for diplomatic reasons in order to consolidate her position as Arlessa, and it being an entirely platonic arrangement (it’s not like anyone expects an heir from an infertile Grey Warden) -- and maybe Zev and Nate kiss sometimes, who knows? I also LOVE my Darkspawn Chronicles AU where Kallian and Nelaros are a happy, married couple each hiding their skills with weapons from each other like dumb, cute sweethearts. They shelter Zevran when he fails to kill Alistair and a poly couple evolves. for DA:2/E, I love the IDEA of a Seb romance that isn’t so strictly conditional around the structures that abused him -- he should be allowed to love, chastely or otherwise, but free from the Chantry OR his position as prince/heir. I’d LOVE to actually have a romance with him where you can actually challenge the abuse he’s experienced. for DA:I, Malika doesn’t have a canon romance (although I think when I replay, I’m going to romance Josephine!) but I think Blackwall has an amazing romance. Solas’ is also iconic, it must be said. 

My NOTP: for DA:O, I really dislike Alistair in a shipping capacity; he’s immature and says a lot of misogynistic shit and I don’t think he’s the worst for it, but I don’t really vibe with shipping him, having played the game as a female city elf. for DA:2/E, I wouldn’t say I have one, particularly? although I really dislike Aveline’s relationship with her husband simply because it seems incredibly inappropriate, given that they work together and she has power over him -- and because I dislike her, generally, I don’t feel inclined to do something nice for her. for DA:I, I suppose Sera/Lavellan -- although I’m not AGAINST it, it just really isn’t for me, having attempted it. I also don’t really vibe with Dorian x Iron Bull. Something abt the way the game handled BDSM and their relationship banter specifically I don’t really like.

Favourite episode quest: for DA:O, probs Orzammar/the Deep Roads. I really love the dwarven lore! and, of course, Fort Drakon is really funny, even though it’s not canon in my game iirc. for DA:2/E, maybe the murder mystery with the serial killer, where ultimately Leandra dies? I also really enjoyed all the companion quests. for DA:I, The Descent (just, all of it, lmao) and everything to do with the Avvar. Crestwood also BANGED.

Saddest death: for DA:O, it’s frankly a fucking INJUSTICE that Shianni gets murdered if you make her Bann of the Alienage -- the idea of that happening whilst Kallian is in Amaranthine and unable to protect her :( genuinely very upsetting. I go back and forth on who is made Bann, tbf, so idk how canonical it is: I think maybe Cyrion would get it, but I’m also endeared to Soris holding the position, with Shianni as Hahren. for DA:2/E, Bethany. I wish both twins had had the chance to reach Kirkwall :(. Let Leandra die instead. for DA:I, maybe not the saddest death, but the most memorable for me was that one sleeping dragon in the Hissing Wastes.. leave her alone. Stay out of a womans’ business.

Favourite season game: DA:O!

Least favourite season game: DA:I.

Character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but I hate: for DA:O, Alistair. I cannot deal with his complacency and hypocrisy. for DA:2, I really disliked Merrill but I honestly cannot remember why. DEFINITELY Varric -- I hated how the game forces you to be his best friend, and if you’re low approval, you have to endure these pointless pissy little comments with this little anti-dwarf centrist pissant. After the expedition, I literally have no reason to put up with him, and I NEVER take him out. I hate that he plays the same role in DA:I, too. for DA:I, the Iron Bull was hugely disappointing, and I also really don’t vibe with Cassandra. She just seems very wishy-washy and complacent and hypocritical, and many of her comments about other cultures seem snide for literally no reason other than bigotry. 

My ‘you’re a piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: for DA:O, lbr probably Sten. Mans is gonna launch a HORRIFYING invasion in the next game iirc and frankly, I’m ok with it. Just wanna see that big bastard again ❤🥵. for DA:2/E, I LOVE Gamlen, ok? for DA:I, I am not sure if I have one.

My ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: for DA:O, if any of you so much as LOOK at Velanna wrong, it’s hands. That includes Bioware. I also feel incredibly protective of and sad for Morrigan. for DA:2/E, probably Sebastian -- I feel so sad for him, and so frustrated by the limitations with the game. for DA:I, I’m honestly not sure.. maybe Josephine? I don’t really feel this way about Sera, but I do think she deserves better from the game and its writing, and also from fandom: there are valid criticisms of her, but the hate she gets is not proportional to any valid issues with her -- and gee, I wonder why that is.

My ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: for DA:O, I did use to find Cullen x Surana/Amell intriguing as a dark ship -- I actually hc that Neria Surana is actually Nelaros’ sister, and have dabbled with it as a dark ship. I also am interested in Loghain/Alistair - which each pretends the other is someone else. Alistair is wooby, hate ships are, in general, fun -- so long as we acknowledge that they are, indeed, unhealthy ships. for DA:2/E, I kind of feel like Sebastian romances are, invariably, kind of dark... and, similarly, Anders romances -- especially with certain red Hawkes, The way it ends is, invariably, bordering on fucked up. ALSO Hawkecest is weird and wonderful: GET WITH IT. 

My ‘they’re kind of cute, and I lowkey ship them, but I’m not too invested’ ship: for DA:O, I joked about Velanna x Leliana once and I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it ever since… Velanna x Sigrun is also something that can be so personal. Ariane x Finn is adorable and are paid DUST by Bioware AND fandom. I actually am really into Anora x Nathaniel & NO I will NOT explain myself; it’s a crackship but it’s MY crackship. for DA:2/E, Isabela x Fenris is super cute, but I don’t pay enough attention to them to really have super committed thoughts & feelings on them. for DA:I, Blackwall x Josephine is cute as a background ship; I also think Maryden x Cole is sweet.

[romanceforransom]

There was a writer!sander fic that i started a little while ago but didn’t know where to go with it. So, I decided to post it here 🤷‍♀️

I might continue it...? idk. but let me know what you think :) 

I ran into my local bookshop, the bell notifying my entrance as I swung open the heavy wooden door.

I had made sure to set my alarm extra early for that morning, giving myself enough time to get there before I had to make my way to work. There was a book that I had been waiting what felt like years for, and I wanted to pick it up as soon as humanly possible.

“Has it come?” I asked excitedly, rushing over to the front desk and locking eyes with an amused Zoë

She was used to my erratic behaviour by now, becoming desensitised to my hyperactive persona that I don whenever a new book comes out.

Not that I do it with every book. Of course, I love most things that come out, burying my nose in anything that I possibly can. But nothing gets me quite as excited as the books by Earthling Oddity.

Nobody knew this unknown author’s real name, or what they looked like. The air of mystery obviously created a lot of hype, gaining them a lot of followers trying to crack the code and reveal the hidden identity. What really made them popular, though, was the magical way they created stories.

I was always completely enraptured by the words written on the pages. Becoming engrossed in the fictional world they created and riding out the waves of emotions that came with the storylines.

They had come out with a new book recently, a new addition to one of their series, and I had been patiently (except not really. Unless pacing up and down the flat and checking my phone constantly for updates was considered as being patient) for it to be delivered to my bookstore.

“It’s here” Zoë replied, sounding amused “I reserved one for you, even though I knew you would be the first one in here today”

She reached underneath the desk and produced the long-awaited book

I stared at it in awe, admiring the bright colours and detailed art on the front cover.

“Wow” I breathed out, smiling

“You looking forward to reading it?”

I tore my eyes away from the book and looked up at her, squinting my eyes slightly “Seriously? I have been counting down the days for this book! Of course, I’m looking forward to finally being one step closer to unravelling the mystery that lies between the pages…”

She chuckled as I lifted my hand to tenderly stroke the front cover “Should I leave you two alone?”

“No, that’s ok” I said, picking it up and placing it gently in my backpack “I have to get going anyway”

“Ok, well keep me updated on it!”

I walked backward towards the door, grinning “Hourly updates are a given”

***

“Why are you carrying your bag so carefully?” Jana asked me curiously as I got to work

I had placed it gently on the ground in the back room with my coat, not wanting to damage the valuable contents lying inside of it.

“Seriously Jana? It’s got the book that I’ve been waiting months for”

Realisation washed over her face. I had been talking her ear off about it for a number of shifts. The amount of information she had actually been listening to and retaining would forever be a mystery, but she let me talk all the time without much judgement so that was the main thing.

“Aah ok, that makes more sense”

I pulled my apron over my head “What did you think was in there?”

She shrugged as she went back to stacking food in the display case “Judging by the way you were handling it, I thought for sure there was a bomb in there”

I shook my head at her amusedly “So your co-worker has a bomb, and you don’t do a thing to stop it? The least you could have done was taken my bag”

“We have a full shift ahead of us, Robbe” she deadpanned “Excuse me for not having much pep right now. I want to move as little as possible and retain the small amount of energy I have stored. Wrestling a bomb from you would probably take everything I had”

“Oh, come on. Shifts here aren’t that bad”

She raised her eyebrows at me “Go out all night drinking before our next shift and then tell me that again”

We both worked at a coffee shop in town. I actually quite enjoyed it. Being able to chat with people and brighten their day with coffee and cakes was a nice feeling.

Of course, it wasn’t something I wanted to do forever. Film making was my passion, the thing that I aspired to do in the future. Maybe even make some adaptations of Earthling’s books. Who knows? But, for now at least, I had to make do with making drinks.

Unlike me, Jana really did not like her job. She liked interacting with the customers, being the social butterfly she is, but the part where she actually had to serve and clean was never really something she enjoyed doing.

If I got paid every time she moaned when cleaning down the tables, there would be no need for this job. I would be rolling in money. She always claimed that it was manual labour, and she was going to sue the company for it. It did make me wonder what she thought would happen when she signed up for the job, but I never dared ask as she was always in a mood. It was best not to make things worse and just nod along.

“So, that book you have” she said “That’s the one with the mystery author, right?”

I nodded “Yep, they use a pen name. Lots of people have obviously tried to step forward and claim to be the author but the real one has yet to be revealed. If they ever will be. Fame isn’t for everyone, so I wouldn’t blame them for keeping hidden and basking silently in the glory of their writing”

“Aren’t you curious about who it is?” she asked me

“Well, yeah” I replied “I have always wondered who it is. I would love to be able to properly give my gratitude to the person that created such wonderful books… but I wouldn’t go out of my way to try and drag someone into the spotlight that doesn’t want to be there”

Many people on the internet have been trying to do exactly that. I have never understood why. Sure, you want to be the one to solve this giant question. But if it involves having to invade someone’s private life and tear down all the security and boundaries, they have built around them in order to remain anonymous, why would you want to do that?

What does revealing a random stranger’s identity add to your life? Nothing. It wouldn’t make you best friends with this person. In fact, you would probably end up as public enemy number one. Snooping in other people’s business isn’t cute, it’s creepy. Especially when they go out of their way to hide it.

The customers began flooding in. People coming in for their takeaway cups of coffee to beat away the morning tiredness. Monday’s were always especially bad. The weekend always wipes people out. Combining that with five days left of work looming over their head, a constant reminder of the seemingly never-ending week ahead of them, anyone would be exhausted.

Then, after a while, I spotted a familiar head of bleach blonde head of hair among the crowd out the corner of my eye.

“Robbe” I heard Jana hiss beside me as I continued making drinks for the awaiting customers “He’s here!”

Sander was a regular at the shop. He would always come in with an easy smile on his face and instantly brighten my day.

He was one of the most beautiful people I had ever laid my eyes on. Not only that, but he was also incredibly kind. Always dishing out compliments and making conversation with us while he patiently waited for his order. He has even defended us a couple of times when customers have been rowdy and impatient during the rush hours. Sander was just an all-round saint.

Jana knew that I had a small crush on him. I never told her outright, but she saw the way my face lit up whenever he was around and joined the dots herself.

I waited until he got to the front of the line and greeted him with a shy smile, trying not to blush like I normally did

“Hey, Robbe!” he said, grinning “How are you this morning?”

“I’m good” I squeaked “Will it be your usual, today?”

Ok, so maybe small crush was a bit of an understatement. He always seemed to make me tongue tied and act like a complete idiot. Which was a great way to act in front of someone you want to impress.

He nodded “You know me so well. Either that or I am in here too often”

“Nonsense!” Jana called to him “We love having you in here, Sander… some more than others” she muttered under breath, meaning only for me to hear it

As I was making his drink (a chocolate mocha – which was basically just a fancy coffee with chocolate, always with whipped cream on top) he leaned against the counter, making light conversation with Jana and me. He never seemed aware that we were at work and that he might be holding up the queue. Not that there were many of them at that moment. He had come just at the right time, most of the people filing out and going to their jobs.

“So, did that book come that you were talking about?” he asked me

“Um, yeah” I was surprised he remembered. I had made an offhand remark about it a few weeks back. But then, he always did seem to pick up on small details like that often “I got it this morning before I came to work. The first thing I’m going to do when I get out of here is run home to read it”

“Really?” he said, sounding faintly surprised “You are that eager to read it?”

I turned towards him, placing the steaming cup of coffee on the tray next to the croissant Jana got for him.

“Well, I’ve been waiting for it for so long… it takes priority over everything else as far as I’m concerned”

“You know Robbe” Jana said teasingly from beside me, jabbing me lightly in the side “forever a bookworm”

Sander smiled as he picked up the tray from the counter “When I come back, you’ll have to tell me how you’re finding it”

Just as I was about to reply, Jana jumped in “He’ll only have good things to say. He’s obsessed with this author, won’t shut up about them. It’s kind of annoying actually”

He smirked “Maybe I’ll have to check them out”

“You should!” I told him enthusiastically “Their works are amazing. Even if you aren’t really into reading, this person can have you drawn in with just a page of their writing”

“I don’t doubt that, I’m sure you have impeccable taste” Sander said, winking at me

He often did that but even after weeks of seeing it, I was still blown away each time. He always seemed to take my breath away without even trying.

Sander made his way over to a table, placing his tray down and taking out his small black notebook as normal. It was his daily routine and moved like clockwork every time. I don’t think there has been a single day he has come in when he hasn’t been scribbling away dedicatedly in there, pen moving furiously across the paper.

I was always curious about what he was doing in it, but never dared ask. It could be something deeply personal and private, I wouldn’t want to invade his comfort zone like that.

He was in his own world when he wrote. As soon as the book was opened it was like a protective bubble opened up around him, blocking out anyone and everything from his work. If we wanted to ask if he wanted a refill or anything else to eat, it would take a few tries to get his attention. Sander manages to block it out so easily.

Although it was a similar thing when I read. It was like escaping to another realm where nobody could reach you. Like a haven that you could take shelter in and escape from all your problems, if only for a short amount of time.

[bionic-penis]

Here it is! Before we get into it I'd just like to say that I sent this all in discord and so i dont use the most academic language and i also had to cut out some bits where I was speaking/replying to friends :)

Okay so maybe Yang and Blake are just good friends, I can see that, but the storyline and all their major character events are so intertwined that it wouldnt make sense not to make them a couple

Spoilers for literally everything

But in my defense its been seven years

Anyway Yang and Blake's stories dont start getting seriously interconnected until around volume 3, but we do see them being closer to eachother than the rest of team rwby (save for Yang and Ruby but they're sisters so it doesnt count)

When Blake is stressed out over the White Fang in Volume 2, it takes Yang to snap her out of it

Also a lot of people have mentioned this but I'm gonna say it again for those who havent heard it but colours and weapons matter in rwby. They're a key element in the show

ahem

Colours play a big part in the design and storytelling aspect and rwby and its no coincidence that Yang eyes are purple and Blakes are yellow, which are eachothers like signature colours outside of Blakes black

But even more than that is weapons

As we learn from Ruby in the first Volume, a lot of students make their own weapons and, as it is constantly reiterated, weapons are an extension of the self in RWBY. They're not just a tool to be tossed around

In the show we see little instances of people interacting with and using other peoples weapons. There's that one scene where Ruby uses one of Penny's swords to defend Pyrrah, but that was out of necessity. however, over and over again we see Yang interacting with Blake's weapon, Gambol Shroud

As someones mentioned before, an entire moveset of theirs is dependent on it

So it's clear that these two characters are incredibly close

Moving on from that point, Id like to analyze the incidents thst occur in volume 3 and following events that further Yang and Blakes connection

In volume 3 after Yang "breaks" Mercurys leg due to Emeralds illusion, she sits in the dorm room surrounded by her teammates, yet the scene singles out Yang and Blake. When Yang asked if they (her team) believed her, Ruby and Weiss are ready to say yes, but Blake hesitates. Yang and Blake then share a moment where Blake explains that shes trusted people before who turned out to be cruel. She asks Yang to look her in the eyes and tell her that she (Yang) is telling the truth. Yang does so and Blake believes her this level of affirmation from one another is so unlike the rest of Team RWBY and even Team JNPR

Ofc in the dorm scene the person Blake is talking about is Adam, her abusive and possessive ex. Obviously your relationship with an abusive person effects any and all interactions/relationships, regardless of their extent, but I think it bears mentioning

Continuing on in the events of volume 3 when Beacon is being attacked and Blake is confronted by Adam, he has her pinned down and says something along the lines of "I am going to destroy everything that you love". Unfortunately this is when Yang happens to stumble into the scene. Horror is prominent on Blakes face. Yang sees Adam over Blake and yells at him before charging forward, which is when Adam cuts her arm off. It's a very emotional scene imo. Blake then uses her semblance to get her and Yang to safety

So let's analyze this

Adam specifically singled Yang out

Ofc yang was the only one there at the time but Adam didnt say "starting with your little teammates" he said "starting with her". Ofc this could just be me cherrypicking but I think that word choice has meaning

Regardless, this is an intense moment for Yang and Blake that really welds their stories together, romantic or not

In volume 4 Yang and Blake take a break from one another-- Jk but theyre separated. After the events at Beacon, and especially after what happened to Yang, Blake runs. And we get to see both women dealing with this and trying to come to terms with it. Yang is bitter. She's angry that Blake, specifically, left her. And Blake feels like she had to run away to keep everyone, specifically Yang, safe

In Volume 5 we dont get much interaction at all between Yang and Blake aside from the same feelings represented in Volume 4, but these are put on the back burner for Blakes White Fang arc

However these feelings take a forward play in Yangs mind and she even voices these feelings to Weiss and Ruby

I take a deep breath

Volume 6, Blake and Yang are together again but tensions are high. They have to learn how to be together again. When Blake and Yang finally have alone time in the shed, Blake expresses how she won't leave, which comforts Yang. However, Blake continues on to say how she will protect Yang to which Yang gets mad and the moment is ruined.

Despite this, Yang and Blake are still going strong and trying to make things work by being there and supporting each other

Yang and Blake's arc for Volume 6 reaches its peak in the fight against Adam. In this fight we see both women fighting the actual source of their trauma. One thing id like to note about this fight is that Blake starts it alone but is joined by Yang, who tells her to catch her breath. This fight is the first major fight Blake and Yang have fought together in a long time. And its amazing. During the fight, Adam screams at Yang in anger and jealousy, asking "WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN YOU?" And saying that she (Blake) cant protect Yang to which Blake replies "I'm not protecting her. And she's not protecting me." MIRRORING the conversation in the shed

the fight ends with Yang and Blake stabbing Adam through with Gambol Shroud, killing him

Now theres some little things id like to point out with this fight, aside from the amazing chemistry between Blake and Yang and the awesome choreography

Its during this fight that we learn about Adams semblance (magic power basically), which is that any hit he absorbs with his sword, he can return with greater force. This is a corruption of Yang's semblance, where any hit she takes herself she can return with greater force

Now why do I think this is significant? Because rwby is all about symbolism. I think Adam's semblance was specifically chosen to mirror Yangs. Adam doesnt have to deal with pain, he just deflects it, which is how his relationship with Blake plays out. She tries to let him off easy, she tells him to leave her alone, but he just can't take the hint, just like he can't take a hit. However, Yang does take the hits. Yang takes them all and it makes her stronger. She empathizes with Blake and works with her. Adam doesnt have to deal with the pain his actions cause because he doesnt care. This reflects Yangs extremely empathetic personality. Yang knows what consequences her actions can have. She can take the pain

Another thing id like to point out is Adam's behaviour during the fight. He lashes out as Yang for getting in between Blake and him, blaming her for his flaws. He targets her just like in Volume 3. I think this was done purposefully

Another thing is Yang runs Bumblebee off the cliff to help Blake! Her bike! I think this is important bc yang loved her bike. It was part of her brand for the longest time. Perhaps running it off the cliff in the fight vs Adam is a nod to growing by letting things go? Idk I just feel like its an important beat

In Volume 7 we see Yang and Blake working together more regularly again with even a few flustered glances (maybe). Marrow even mentions that they never pair up with anyone else to which they respond with a cool fight scene this feels like the extent of their interaction since Volume 7 focuses more on ruby

Volume 8 isnt finished but there is one line that I think is important which is when Yang asked Jaune if "she'll think bad of me if we fail?" To which Jaune responds "Ruby's your sister" and Yang says "yeah... Ruby..." LIKE EXCUSE ME?

[I take some time to riff with my friends and partner before continuing]

ANOTHER THING

Adam BREAKS Gambol Shroud during their fight, mirroring how Yang, once again, works with Blake and Gambol Shroud. This is yet another example of Adam being violent and abusive towards Blake where Yang is sympathetic and kind. Theyre set up to be narrative opposites

Even though both Adam and Yang are both hot heads, utilize a similar semblance, and both have a deep connection with Blake, they are not the same bc Yang trusts and appreciates Blake while Adam does not

Also Adam and Yang both share the same sentiment of "Blake left me" but whereas Adam lashes out at Blake, Yang is mostly frustrated. Unlike Yang, Adam never attempts to work it out with Blake, which is where the two differ greatly. Yang is willing to listen whilst Adam is not

TLDR: uh give me Bmblb content right now Roosterteeth or I will suck the marrow from ur bones

[jksmoongf]

Kissing Fire [pt. 11]

Pairing: Jungkook x reader x girlfriend (oc) Genre: cheater!AU, angst, smut Wordcount: 11.4k Warning: smut, lies, heartbreak and more lies and maybe fluff if you squint

Summary: It always feels like there is only one person in the world to love. And then you find somebody else.

a/n: I don’t condone cheating on your s.o., so please don’t read if you have a problem with this! (also I’m not saying this is something Jungkook would actually do!) **a/n: thank you for your patience, angels! 💗 It’s been a while and I hope anyone still reads this <3 (also idk what happened to the og upload but it was kinda weird -.-)  I’m also dedicating this chapter to my sweet @struggleofarmy​!!! You helped me so much and without you, I probably wouldn’t have finished it! thank you for everything! 💗 ily  Warning chapter 11: none, it’s just an angsty mess!!! (profanities, maybe?)

Jungkook closed the microwave door on the leftover food; her eyes glued to his pretty face as his lips puckered into a kissy-shape, trying to set the temperature and the time before pressing the start button. He turned around, locking eyes with her. “We have exactly 3 minutes and 45 seconds.” He wiggled his brows but a strange feeling of embarrassment washed over her, making her cheeks flush that he caught her staring. “Noona, do I have something on my face?” Jungkook mused, mouth curving upwards into a smile. Shaking her head no, she hoped the color would soon disappear from her face. “So where were we before you said you were hungry?” He closed the distance between them quickly, trapping her between his body and the counter. The warmth that radiated off him as his face got closer and closer with every blink, made her feel all fuzzy as his fingertips gently trailed up her arms, over her shoulders and up her neck until he cupped her face. The pads of his thumbs softly caressing her skin when his lips ghosted over her own. She knew this was supposed to be a sweet and tender moment shared between just the two of them but she just couldn’t help herself.  She crashed her lips onto Jungkook’s; feeling the smile tugging on the corners of his mouth while she so desperately tried to get a taste of him. Her hands tangled in his messy dark hair, pulling him closer to her as their tongues gently nestled against each other. He sighed into her mouth when her fingers gently scratched over his scalp. Maybe, just maybe, they could ditch the food and go back to his room for a little while and just indulge in a heavy make-out session where she was sure he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands to himself for more than a few seconds. 

But the repeated beeping of the microwave made them separate sooner than expected.

With a groan, she blindly reached for her phone next to the pillow where she had placed it after being on FaceTime with Jungkook just hours ago. She knew that in the morning, she would regret not listening to him when he repeatedly told her to sleep and get plenty of rest before work. 

But talking to him was so much more important than sleeping; she just loved listening to him talk about his day, especially after an exciting event like the night before. Sometimes, it scared her that he was often surrounded by pretty girls who were a lot more talented than she was; leaving her to wonder why he had chosen her instead of someone who perfectly understood all his struggles. But at the end of the night he called her to whisper sleepy I love you’s or FaceTime until they both fell asleep. 

[Jungkook - 4:12am] 

Ah noona, I already miss you! Sleep well and have a good day at work! Text me whenever you can! Can’t wait to see you when your shift is over! I love you (∩˃o˂∩)♡

Her grip tightened around the phone, pressing it to her chest, she kicked her legs and muffled a squeal into the plush bunny he had given her. Jungkook was always so sweet; he must have known how happy it would make her to be waking up to a text from him but after reading the text over and over, her eyes darted to the time on top of the screen. 

“Shit! Shit! Shit!” She cursed under her breath, trying to free herself from the confinement of the two blankets and the robe she was wearing. In a hurry she put on her work uniform and got ready to leave, running just a few minutes late. 

Shoving the last bite of a banana into her mouth; she put on her denim jacket before slipping on her black patent-leather shoes with the small dainty gold buckle. 

As if the devil himself was chasing her down the street, she ran as fast as she could to catch her train to Hongdae and just in time she squeezed through the door right as it was about close, the hem of her skirt almost getting caught. 

She leaned against the door on the opposite side, catching a glimpse of her reflection. The wind had caused a few strands of hair to get loose, making her bun look messy. While trying to tuck the hair back to where it belonged, she pulled out her phone, finally having enough time to reply to Jungkook. 

[y/n - 10:33 am] 

I miss you too, Kookie! My shift ends at 6pm so I can come over after. I’ll bring food for you and the boys! Just let me know what you want, you know I get a discount so don't hold back! I love you too! 

[y/n - 10:35M] 

Btw, I should have listened to you when you told me to sleep. I’m so tired but also so excited to see you later. I hope you slept well, baby! 

After locking the screen, she let her eyes wander around the cart. A group of teenage girls, all gathered around one phone caught her attention. 

“Is that really him? It can’t be.” One of them whispered-yelled, immediately covering her mouth with her hands after one of her friends slapped her arm and scolding her. 

“Of course it is him. It’s his voice and those are definitely his hands. Haven’t you seen the other one?” 

The vibration, signaling a new text, made her flinch at first but her heart started racing, only to be disappointed that it wasn’t Jungkook - just a coworker sending a meme to the group chat. Yet, she went back to his chat, carefully scanning the messages she had sent to him - they had not been delivered yet. Reminding herself that he sometimes put his phone on airplane mode so nobody would disturb his slumber. 

Four hours had passed and she was finally on her break, sitting in the small back room where they kept their personal belongings during shifts. 

Her heart sank when she saw that Jungkook still had not replied; it was unlike him to keep her waiting for so long. At this hour, he surely wouldn’t still be asleep, not when he had moaned about having to go to a company meeting today. Even her attempts at calling him were left unanswered; the calls going straight to voicemail. 

A whirlwind of panic started to stir up in her stomach; what if he changed his mind and didn’t want to see her anymore? The past few days had been so chaotic and draining that she couldn’t silence the small voice in the back of her mind that kept telling her that it was all too good to be true. 

Nails clicking on the screen; she hastily pulled up Taehyung’s chat. 

[y/n - 2:12pm] 

Tae (: do you know where Jungkookie is? I wanted to ask him about editing a pic for me but he’s not responding to my messages. I’ll see you later <3 

“Y/n, Myung-Jun hyung says your lunch is ready! Come eat.” With a sigh, she followed her coworker to the kitchen, sitting down at the small table for the restaurant staff. It was odd that she was so worried about Jungkook not replying, but the uneasy feeling that something wasn’t right anchored itself in her chest. 

Halfheartedly she picked at the food in front of her; maybe she was overreacting and Jungkook had just forgotten to turn airplane mode off or he left in a rush, leaving his phone at the dorms. Either way, she had her mind set on checking up on him after her shift. 

* 

Jungkook’s bare feet made the floor creek as he entered the living room, the hushed conversations he had faintly been hearing on his way, immediately died down. His brothers looking at him like he was a species from a different planet, not one of them looking happy to see him. 

“Sit.” Yoongi gestured towards a chair from the kitchen table that they had put out, just for him apparently - making him feel like he was a police interrogation. “Management will be here any minute now.” 

Jungkook gave a small nod, sitting down on the wooden chair. He knew the heating was on but the room seemed to be freezing cold when no warm laughter filled the air and every single one of the member's faces seemed to be laced with concern. 

“Can I have my phone back?” His eyes were focused on the electronic device on the coffee table, still not understanding why they took it from him to begin with. He just wanted to see if y/n had texted him; maybe talk to her on the phone for a bit during her break- longing to hear her voice and the sweet coos of his nickname. Not talking to her for almost seven hours, seemed like torture to him now that they were finally able to be together and be happy.  

“No, we were told not to give it to you.” Seokjin said calmly, his index finger tapping on the armrest of the sofa in a familiar rhythm. 

Letting out a frustrated groan, Jungkook rolled his eyes. 

“You know I’m not a kid anymore, you can’t just take my stuff from me like you’re my parents.” His bottom lip jutted out into a small pout; contradicting his previous statement perfectly. 

“Oh, it is very apparent that you’re not a kid anymore…” Hoseok scoffed under his breath but before Jungkook could answer, he heard the front door open and manager Sejin’s voice echoed from the hallway. 

“Change the code and then join us in the living room.” 

Jungkook always admired how tall his favorite manager was but the grim expression on his face made his usual soft eyes, dark and a little scary. “Perfect, you’re all here.” 

“Taehyung is in his room. I’ll go get him.” Jimin jumped over the back of the sofa and rushed down the corridor. 

“Then we’ll wait.” Sejin sat down next to Namjoon, who had been too wrapped up in his thoughts to pay any attention to the things that were happening around him, only snapping out of his thoughts momentarily to mumble a greeting. 

Jimin knocked on the door, only seconds later Ha-na’s muffled voice indicated that it was okay for him to come in. At the sight of his best friend sitting cross-legged on the bed, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve, his heart cramped up painfully. 

Ha-na had her arm wrapped around her boyfriend’s shoulders, holding his left hand tightly in her own, whispering softly in his ear. 

“Management is here to talk to Jungkookie, Sejin-nim wants you to come, too.” He said quietly, when the younger one looked up with puffy eyes, the tip of his nose red from crying. 

“I don’t want to…I just want to stay here…” He was about to lie down and pull the duvet over his body when Ha-na stopped him. 

“I’ll come with you and if it gets too much, we can just go back to your room, okay, baby?” She said softly, cupping his face, to dim the flow of tears for a second with her thumbs. 

“Ha-na, I’m sorry but you can’t come. It’s just…” 

She nodded. “No, I get it. Just the group and management.” Pulling Taehyung to his feet, she grabbed Jimin’s wrist. “Just go with Jimin-ah, he’ll make sure you’re doing alright.” 

“Of course I will.” Jimin gently took Taehyung’s much larger hand in his, giving it a tight squeeze. 

“But I don’t wanna see him…” The hurt in his voice made Jimin’s eyes tear up. A few hours earlier when he had found out from Hoseok what had happened during the night, he knew that Taehyung would take it the hardest - two of the people he was closest to, had been shamelessly lying to his face for months, completely shattering every ounce of trust he used to have in them. 

“You can just look at me the entire time, okay?” Ruffling his hair, he finally managed to pull Tae into the living room, where the air felt suffocatingly thick, making it hard to take deep breaths. 

“Hyung,” Jungkook addressed Tae who looked like he had been crying. “Is everything okay? What’s wrong?” 

Did something happen to Taehyung? Why had he been crying? Jungkook just didn’t understand what was happening; why was nobody telling him why they all looked so worried? 

Finally, Sejin cleared his throat - he was sitting closest to Jungkook, resting his elbows on his knees. 

“All of you know why we are here…” He addressed the room, while the other members silently nodded, the youngest vehemently shook his head, making the manager adjust his position to face him. 

“I’m not here to tell you what to do, the boss wants to speak to you tomorrow in person about all of this. I’m just here to inform you of the next steps we’re going to take.” 

“For goodness sake, what have I done?” He asked, feeling the blood in his veins starting to boil out of frustration of being left in the dark. 

“You didn’t tell him?” 

“N-no, we thought it would be best if you told him…” Namjoon said quietly, not making eye contact with Jungkook, who so desperately needed comfort and reassuring from his older brother. 

The leader’s demeanor worried him, Namjoon was usually the first to speak up about any concerns he had - never afraid to voice what was going on in his head to his members. Now that he was keeping quiet; buried underneath a smothering mountain of thoughts, he wasn’t able to handle the situation like he always did. 

“Jungkook-ah..” Sejin pulled out his phone, tapping on the screen a few times before handing it to him. “That is you, correct?” 

Jungkook’s body turned to stone, his insides twisted in an abundance of knots, uncertain whether he would ever be able to untie them again. Heart hammering against his ribcage; his vision got blurry as he stared at the phone, watching the video he filmed in that hotel room. His own moans blaring from the tiny speaker, repulsed him, forcing bile up his esophagus. 

“Jungkook! Ya!” Hoseok snapped his fingers, trying to get the youngest attention when the next video started playing. 

“I-I-… h-how?” He muttered, watching himself go down on y/n. 

“We don’t know. We have people trying to take the videos down and find out who put them on the internet.” Sejin took the phone from him. 

“Once it’s on the internet, you will never be able to take them all down.” Yoongi shook his head, habitually picking at the skin of this thumb. 

“Jungkook what were you thinking taking those videos? You know how important your image is. Why would you risk it all?” 

“Looks like he wasn’t doing much thinking at all...all the blood his brain needed to make a rational decision was a little further down south...” It seemed like a lighthearted comment, masked a joke but Jungkook knew that Hoseok indeed wasn’t messing around. 

He tried hard to swallow the lump in his throat but it just wouldn’t go down. 

“I-It was just supposed to be between me and…” For a second, Taehyung’s eyes met his and he just couldn’t bring himself to say her name out loud. 

Now he finally knew why one of his best friends had been crying; he had to find out from strangers on the internet that two of his best friends had been slowly ramming a knife into his back. He watched as Jimin pulled Taehyung to his chest, who looked like he was about to burst into tears again. 

“Jungkook…” 

His brain was slowing down tremendously, not able to form an articulate sentence that would explain the whole situation. 

“So you and y/n thought it would be a good idea to take those videos for what reason?” Sejin folded his arms, eyeing the youngest intently over the rims of his glasses. 

“Y/n…” He breathed out her name. “How is she? Is she okay? Has anyone talked to her?” Jumping up from the chair, he frantically looked at the other members who suddenly found their knees oddly interesting. “I have to go. I have to talk to her and make sure, she’s okay.” 

“Sit down! You’re not going anywhere! The press is waiting outside, it’s been all over the news this morning!” 

“W-what?” He slumped down in the chair, his fingers harshly pulling at his own hair. “I have to check on y/n…” 

“I’m sorry, Jungkook but that’s not possible.” 

“At least let me text her.” He pleaded, tears brimming in his eyes. 

“You can’t do that either. We had a meeting in the morning and we can’t let you see her or talk to her again. This concerns the whole group, we cannot risk any more damage to your image. The fans are freaking out, the press is trying to dig up more dirt while asking the company for a statement regarding the videos. You made a whole mess. What were you thinking?” 

Jungkook kept quiet under the drilling eyes of the seven men around him. If they reported about it on the news then he was sure his family had seen it too and were worried about him or worse; they had to carry the burden of being ashamed of their son. But he had to push those feelings on the back burner for now. 

“I-I wasn’t… it’s just something we did sometimes when we were together.” 

“Wait, what about Yina?” Jin chimed in, looking more confused now that the truth was out in the open. 

“I broke up with her a few days ago because I love…love y/n.” Subconsciously his fingers started picking at the little fuzz on his cheek, harder than he had ever done it before. Saying it out loud to the people who had always cared for him so deeply, felt so wrong under these circumstances. He wanted them to know that being with her wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. That he didn’t just break up with Yina because y/n seemed more exciting and new - he truly loved her but he felt like they wouldn’t understand. 

“When did this all start?” 

He focused his eyes on the floor, his ears were feeling hot and redness crept up his face. He didn’t want to tell them, he didn’t want them to know what he had done without any of them knowing. The last thing he wanted was for them to find out and change the way they looked at him. They always doted on him, making sure he was okay and felt loved from a very young age, and he had betrayed them all; the six boys who raised him. Jungkook didn’t want them to think that they failed because he made poor choices along the way. 

“Answer the question.” Taehyung’s voice was cold, sending shivers down his spine. 

Trying to buy a little more time; he cleared his throat. 

“I don’t know the exact date…but it’s been months” He whispered, guilt numbing his senses - at this moment he knew that everything would change; they wouldn’t take care of him anymore, they wouldn’t make sure he was tucked in and had enough to eat during the day. He wasn’t a baby anymore and certainly not the shy teenager they had all grown to love so much.  

Telling them made him feel awful like someone had punched him repeatedly in the stomach. 

He couldn’t bear the thought of looking at them; their disappointment erecting itself in front of him like a monster that was about to swallow him whole.

Taehyung stood up, his shaking hands balled into fists. 

“You disgust me. You two deserve each other.” Pushing past Yoongi, he tried to leave the room but Jungkook jumped up from his seat - he had to fix things, he couldn’t just let him walk out without at least trying to make amends.  

“Hyung, please I’m so sorry. Please forgi-..” He tried reaching for the older one’s arm but he crudely swatted his hand away. 

“Do.Not.Touch.Me.” His deep voice was laced with venom, Jungkook’s bottom lip quivered when their eyes met, not being used to the tone that was filled with so much disgust, disappointment and hurt. He could see all the pain and anger Taehyung was feeling from being lied to that he just wanted to beg for forgiveness but it was too late. 

“Do I have to listen to this shit or can I go?” He turned to face their manager. 

“Ya! Taehyungie, don’t swear.” Hoseok immediately disciplined his younger brother but he was ignored. 

“Can I go or not?” Taehyung’s eyes were focused on Sejin, who took a deep breath before nodding. “Thanks.” His footsteps echoed loudly in Jungkook’s ears as he felt a tear roll down his cheek. Quickly he wiped it away with a shaking hand; knowing that he had just lost one of his best friends - there was nothing he could say or do that would repair the damage their friendship had suffered. 

“So what happens now?” Jimin asked quietly, chewing on the inside of his cheek nervously, the future of the group uncertain. 

“Not sure yet.” Sejin furrowed his brows. “We can’t just ignore it and hope for it to go away. We’ll have to wait and see what is being decided on before we make any rushed decisions. But for now, you’ll all have to lay low, especially you.” He looked at the youngest, who looked pitiful in his spot on the chair. “And that means that you will have to cut all ties with y/n.” 

Jungkook shook his head; he wasn’t going to leave her, not after everything they had been through together. Not after fighting his inner demons for months to finally be with her, to only have it all taken away from him way too soon. 

“Kook, don’t be stubborn! That’s what is best for the group. Do you want all of them to suffer just because you’re being selfish and want to be with a girl? There’s plenty of girls out there, you’ll find another girlfriend in the future.” 

He kept quiet, he didn’t have it in him to argue because they wouldn’t understand that he didn’t want anyone else, he wanted her. 

“So for now, all codes have been changed and I’m asking all of you to change passwords on your devices as well, just as a precaution. Don’t give out your numbers, we will be changing those as well over the next few days. Security will be increased and we will always have one of the managers here until this all blows over. I know, this is inconvenient but we have to get in control of the situation.” After addressing all of them, he turned to Jungkook again. “I’ll be picking you up at 9 tomorrow morning, the boss will be back from his business trip then.” 

“Fine. Can I go to my room now?” Jungkook sounded poutier than he had intended but maybe he could message y/n over on her Instagram to check on her. 

“No, but what you can do, is get your laptop so you can change all your passwords. I’m sorry but one of us will have to monitor you, Jungkook.” 

He sighed in defeat, slowly dragging his feet towards his room. 

Last night had been perfect, they won awards and talking to y/n for hours had been the best ending to the night; he just couldn’t believe that all the good things that finally started happening again, were now overshadowed by someone leaking those videos. He had cherished those videos, they were dear to his heart because it reminded him of one of the reasons why he loved her so much - he never knew what she would do next, it was exciting to be in love with her and he was missing her now more than ever before. 

* 

Carrying two bags of food and bottles of soju was more strenuous than she had expected. For a brief moment, she sat them both down to wipe her forehead with the back of her hand before readjusting her mask - the pollution had gotten worse during the day. 

As she made her way around the corner, the street was filled with cars and reporters with their mics and cameras ready. Some were trying to talk to one of the security guards which there were many, more than usual. 

“Ah, y/n.” The security guard she hadn’t seen since she came here drunk that one night greeted her happily “Bringing over some food, I see.” He closed his eyes, trying to sniff out what she was carrying in the bags. 

“Yeah, I just finished work.” She bowed her head. 

“I’m sure, they’ll appreciate it. They weren’t able to leave all day with the press blocking the way.” 

“I can see that…” She trailed off, letting her eyes wander over the crowd. “Am I allowed to go in?” 

“Sure, I haven’t heard otherwise.” She signed her name, as usual, and with a slight bow she continued her journey, walking up the hill to the building.

The increased amount of security made her feel uneasy, feeling like she was being watched every step of the way.

“What do you want?” A man in a suit spat at her before she could even open the door. 

“I-I’m just dropping off food for my friends…” Her voice was shaking, making the security guy eye her suspiciously as if she was hiding a weapon in one of the bags. 

“And your ‘friends’ know you’re coming?” He raised an eyebrow; she had a feeling that he was about to tackle her to the ground when the regular security guard from the lobby appeared by his side. 

“It’s okay, I know her. She’s allowed to come in.” 

“Thank you.” She whispered, keeping her head low as she walked past the grim-looking man. 

“Crazy day today.” He mused, laying out two lists for her to sign. 

“Why two lists?” 

“One is for us and one is for them…” He nodded in the direction of the men in suits. “I also have to make a copy of your ID for them. They want to keep track of who is entering the building.” 

“That’s fine.” She smiled awkwardly when handing him her card. All those men looking at her like she had done something wrong, made her feel on edge. One of them even followed her into the elevator, not letting her out of his sight until he confirmed with the security on the designated floor that she was allowed to be up here. 

She tried entering the code but the all too familiar click of the lock didn’t happen. 

Setting the bags down, she tried again. “6-8-1-4-2-7.” She muttered to remind herself of the combination but the small blinking red light told her it wasn’t right. 

“Why isn’t it working?” Angrily she stomped her foot in annoyance before knocking on the door impatiently. 

A set of footsteps indicated that someone was coming from the other side; she bent down to pick up the bags as the door swung open. 

“Finally, did you change the code? I tried to…oh.” She looked up, being faced with the stern look of one of the managers. Hastily she bowed as low as she could without dropping anything. “I’m sorry, hello.” 

But he didn’t reply, still just looking at her as if he tried to remember if he had seen her before. 

“You need to leave.” His voice was strict, only fueling her confusion. 

“But I just got here…” 

“Doesn’t matter. You have to go and you cannot come back here.” 

“I don’t understand, what’s going on? Why am I not allowed to see my friends?” 

“Do yourself a favor and just go. Don’t cause a scene. Please, leave.” 

*

Jungkook was lazily scrolling through his emails when suddenly one caught his eye. 

“I got an email that someone logged into my iCloud.” He mumbled, making Hoseok and Jimin look up from their phones. 

“Didn't you get the notification on your phone?” 

“No…but my phone did ask me to log in again, oddly enough.” 

“Hm technology is weird like that sometimes.” Hobi mumbled. “But it’s still kind of odd and you should definitely let someone know so they can look into it.” 

"It was on the day I broke up with…” His eyes scanned the mail. “But the login happened hours before.” 

“Do you think it was Yina?” Jimin’s eyes were wide in shock. “But how could she have known before you talked to her?” 

Jungkook’s teeth dug deep into the soft flesh of his lip - Jimin’s words had struck a nerve.

He had wondered before how she had known where she would find him and y/n. How did she find out? He didn’t make the first move, she had already been there when he came back to the room. 

“It says it was in Gangnam…not far away then.” Fingers kneading his chin, nails puncturing his skin, he tried to recall everything that had happened that day. 

He had talked to Ha-na and Jimin after practice, remembering how worried y/n had been before they arranged to meet. He had met Yina in the hallway further away from the practice room, near his studio but there was nothing that would have given him away, there had been no sign that she was upset when he saw her that day. 

“I don’t think it was her; I know her, she wouldn’t do something like that.” 

“You can’t be sure about that, Jungkook. She was hurt and maybe that was her way of seeking revenge after you broke her heart.” 

He swallowed hard at Hoseok’s words; as much as he wanted to believe that Yina wouldn’t do this, his brother was right. He brutally ripped out her heart and smashed it into a million pieces. It would only be fair for her to do something equally as bad to him and make him suffer. 

He was wishing that there was a way he could get in contact with her, but he was sure that she wouldn’t want to speak to him anyway, not after everything he had put her through.  

“Let the managers know, they can look into it.” 

He nodded when a sudden knock on the door caught his attention. 

“I’ll get it.” Their manager left the kitchen, where he was making a grocery list for a company employee to stuck up the supplies. 

“We should order some food, I’m starving.” Jimin groaned, stretching out his arms before rubbing his tummy with a tortured expression on his face. “What do you want to eat? We’ll let you pick Kookie since your day is pretty shit.” 

The black-haired boy scoffed. “Thanks but I don’t really feel like eating…” 

“Jungkook-ah you need to eat.” 

“But I’m not-…” He went quiet, the familiar voice of y/n faintly reaching his ears. “Am I dreaming?” He whispered but his brothers both shook their heads, not moving an inch to avoid making any noise. 

“I don’t understand, what’s going on?” Instantly his eyes filled with tears, his heart cracked; she sounded so lost and confused. Too weak to fight the urge, he slowly got up from the couch, fully prepared to Naruto-run past his manager to finally hold her in his arms again. Everything would be so much easier to handle if she was around; they would just go through it together like they always did. Nothing could come between them, not his boss or managers, not his hyungs or even the fans; they were destined to be together and he was willing to fight anyone who tried to keep him away from her. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I have to see her…” 

“Jk! No!” Hobi grabbed his wrist, pulling him back down. 

“Please, please, please!” He begged his older brother, trying to persuade him to let him go but he just wouldn’t let go of his wrist, the pressure making his skin tingle. 

Hoseok looked at the maknae squirming, trying to wrench his arm from his grasp - his big doe eyes were swimming in tears again, lips quivering trying to hold back from throwing a tantrum. 

His heart hurt for his little brother, as much as he condemned his actions and the mess he got them into, he could tell how badly he needed her and deeply in love he was - Jungkook never begged for anything and him begging to see her was all that he needed to ever so lightly loosen the hold he had on his wrist. 

“You heard her, hyung! She doesn’t even know what’s happening. I just want to see her, please let me go see her so I can explain it to her. She needs to hear it from me. Please…” Jungkook’s weak voice gave out when he looked up, Taehyung was standing in the doorway, tears streaming down his cheeks at the desperate pleading of his best friend outside the apartment and the manager’s strict orders for her to leave. 

“Taehyung-ah.” Jimin leaned over the back of the couch to take his hand, wanting his best friend to know that he wasn’t alone and could seek comfort with him whenever he needed to but before he accomplished his mission, the younger boy had run back down the corridor, slamming the door to his room shut. seeking the comforting arms of his girlfriend. 

Only seconds later, Sejin walked into the living room holding two big bags in each hand. 

“Here’s some food, can’t let you starve while you’re basically locked in here.” He patted Jungkook’s shoulder, whose face showed no emotion, in order to prevent the breakdown he felt building up inside his chest. Blinking the tears away, his pupils dilated as they scanned the bags on the table. “Y/n brought food over…” 

“What?” Hoseok asked, who was already busy pulling all the takeout boxes out to place them neatly on the table for the members to grab. 

“Nothing, hyung.” He stood up but didn’t move, eyes still resting on the logo on the bag. 

“Funny, it’s all your favorite foods, Jungkookie.” The older boy mused as he inspected the contents of yet another container. 

“Yeah, funny. I’ll go get the others.” But he didn’t, instead, he made his way to small bathroom, tightly locking the door behind him. Sitting down on the floor, he pulled his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. 

He didn’t want to cry but the tears kept prodding at the corners of his eyes; her voice still echoing in his mind. She didn’t know what happened, and no one cared enough to tell her; they just cut her off and forced him to do the same. Jungkook didn’t care much about his image at this point, he didn’t care that people had watched those videos - they all had made up their mind about him anyway. All he wanted now was to protect her, to make sure she was okay. 

“I’ll have to find a way to talk to her…” He mumbled, resting his forehead against his knees while his fingers traced the engraved silver plate on his wrist. He wouldn’t give up so easily, even if it got him into more trouble. 

* 

“Take more, there’s plenty left. Tae needs to eat.” Jimin placed another box on top of the two Ha-na was already holding. 

“No, no! I’ll come to get more if we’re still hungry.” She gave the boys a weak smile before heading back to her boyfriend’s room. He refused to leave it, not wanting to see Jungkook sitting amongst the others like a sad little puppy after committing the ultimate betrayal. 

Ha-na closed the door with her foot, eyeing her boyfriend as he laid on the bed, hugging his body pillow extra tight, face buried in the tear-stained fabric. 

“Tae, I have some food.” She set the boxes down on the small table while he slowly moved into an upright position to inspect the boxes. 

“I don’t want it.” He said, lying back down instantly and turning his back towards her. Earlier this morning, he had been a lot more vocal about his pain, giving it a lot more room to breathe. But now he was in a phase where he’d cry and then start mumbling angrily, sometimes boxing the mattress. She pulled the chopsticks from her pocket, taking a seat next to him. 

“And why not?” 

“Read the fucking label on the box.” 

“Choi Go Zip and what is that supposed to tell me?” Ha-na tilted her head in confusion, pushing her bangs from her eyes with the back of her hand. “Somebody from the staff went and got food for all of us. Tae, baby - I know you’re hurting right now but we’re all trying our best in this situation.” 

He turned to lay on his back, a scowl playing on his lips. “It’s where y/n works, no staff member went to get the food for us.” 

“How do you know?” 

“She was here, I heard her talking to Sejin when I went to get water.” 

“What?!” Her voice was high pitched, making her boyfriend flinch. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“Yes, it does. Did you talk to her?” Taehyung shook his head, crossing his arms over his face. 

“No, I didn’t.” He tried hard to sound cold, pretending like he didn’t care but his trembling lips were giving him away.

“Why not?” 

“I-I couldn’t stand the thought of looking at her.” 

“Oh Tae.” Ha-na laid down next to him, wrapping her arm tightly around his waist. “I know she fucked up, but she is still your best friend. You can’t just leave her hanging like this, baby.” 

He shook his head, more tears rolling down his cheeks. “What she did…it’s not what friends do. As far as I’m concerned, she’s not my friend anymore.” 

Pulling herself up a little, she pressed soft kisses to his cheeks. “I know, you don’t really mean that.” 

“She lied to me, Ha-na” He blubbered, turning his body around in her embrace to bury his face against her chest. “They both did. For months.” 

Her fingers gently played with his hair, trying to calm him down, his whole body shaking from the overwhelming amount of emotions that were rushing through him. 

“Tae, I told you weeks ago that there was something between them..”  She paused, trying to choose her next words very carefully. “Baby your heart is too big for your own good, you always want to believe that people are good, especially your friends. You’re the opposite of the grinch, you feel too much.” 

He chuckled against her skin, the vibrations of his deep voice giving her goosebumps.

“You know there will come a time when you’ll need your best friend, nobody can replace her. You have been friends since you were little kids, so please baby, take all the time you need to heal but don’t write her off just yet.” 

He didn’t say anything, only inhaling shakingly. She knew he was being stubborn out of anger; being lied to by the people you trust is heartbreaking but he needed time, time to process and sort through his feelings - eventually he would come around, he loved y/n too much to just drop the friend who had stuck by his side for so many years. But then again, she wasn’t going to force him to talk to her if he didn’t feel ready to face her, he would know when the time was right to take a step towards mending the broken friendship. 

 “How am I supposed to ever trust them again?” He croaked; her arms around him tightening, afraid she might crush him. 

“Baby I don’t know and you won’t know until you decide you’re ready to speak to them.”

Ha-na opened her eyes, taking a few seconds to realize that she had fallen asleep trying to comfort her boyfriend, who was now sleeping soundly snuggled up against her side. Irritated by the repeated buzzing noise coming from the nightstand, she blindly reached for the phone - it was Taehyung’s. She pressed the home button, a picture of herself staring back at her that he had taken by the river a few weeks ago. 

y/n - 8 missed calls 

y/n - 13 messages Maybe it was wrong and maybe he would be mad at her for doing this but she quickly entered his passcode to unlock the phone and check the unread messages. 

[y/n - 7:05pm] Tae, what’s going on? Why did your manager sent me away and told me to not come to the dorms anymore? Can you please tell me? Because I don’t understand. 7:45pm Why aren’t you answering me? Are you mad at me? If I did something, can you please tell me?

9:27pm Taehyung? Please talk to me?  Ha-na had read enough, feeling bad for the girl she had harbored a lot of bad feelings towards the past weeks when the phone vibrated in her hand again. 

Now you’re leaving me on read? What have I done? 

She put down Tae’s phone and picked up her own from the side of the bed. She was aware that Taehyung would feel betrayed when he found out what she was about to do but she just wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she kept quiet - leaving y/n in the dark like the rest of them.  

[Ha-na - 10:38pm] Y/n, it was me! I read your texts. Can you meet me at Jamwon Hangang Park? At the spot where we took you on your first weekend in Seoul. I’ll explain everything to you. 

Carefully she climbed out of bed, making sure Tae was tucked in and hugging his pillow, hoping he wouldn’t wake up while she was gone. 

On her way out she passed by Jungkook’s room, through the closed door she could hear a sad song playing, every once in awhile sobs reached her ears. Her heart wrenched in pain; the little one was suffering from the consequences just as much as everyone else. Sometimes Jungkook could be a little naive but he had a good heart and a good head on his shoulders; despite his previous actions. With a sigh, she left the apartment and was greeted with the fluorescent lights in the hallway and a bunch of security guards.

“Where are you going?” One of them inquired. 

“Not that it is any of your business but I couldn’t sleep so I’m taking a walk.” To Ha-na’s surprise, he nodded, marking her as absent on a list. 

“Be safe, Miss.” He bowed his head, making space for her to get to the elevator.

It was odd to be surrounded by so many people that were just making sure no fans or press would get inside the building; normally the community was a safe place, people couldn’t just get in but BigHit didn’t seem to believe that people weren’t going to try to get in at any cost, whether it was bribing guards or climbing over fences. 

Quickly she walked up the stairs that would lead her onto the second level and to the exit closest to her destination. 

Ha-na got to the park earlier than expected, for a while she sat on one of the yellow stones by the water, the cool air comfortably expanding in her lungs and clearing her head after being cooped up in Taehyung’s room all day. 

This morning when she woke up, she had not expected the day to completely turn upside down the way it did. And although she had taken care of Taehyung all day, she couldn’t possibly fantom how any of the boys were feeling. 

Sure, it was hard to see her boyfriend so upset, but not knowing how the whole situation would turn out for them was emotionally draining and nerve-wracking. A feeling of helplessness stirred up inside of her; she really wanted to do something to help but every single idea that popped into her head seemed silly when she gave it a second thought. 

Occasionally during the day, she had checked social media just to see what people were saying, and it wasn’t good. She just wanted all of them to stay off the internet while this was going down; the mean and degrading comments towards Jungkook would hurt all of them - he was still their little brother who they loved and adored. 

Something told her that she wasn’t the only one thinking that it might have been Yina, who somehow got a hold of these videos and published them to make Jungkook pay for cheating on her for months on end. There was no denying that it sounded reasonable but Ha-na had a gut feeling that this wasn’t the case - Yina once had been someone she would spend time with, especially when the boys were away, and the girl never struck her as someone with malicious intentions; her love for Jungkook was pure - she had not been in it to gain something from him or the people he knew. She pulled her phone from her pocket - she just had to try, maybe this was the one thing she could do to help. 

[Ha-na - 11:16pm] 

Yina, I hope you’re doing okay, giving the circumstances! I’m sure, you’ve seen what’s happening. I just wanted to ask if you had anything to do with this? I won’t tell anyone, I just need to know. 

She puffed up her cheeks; she probably wouldn’t get an answer but she just had to stay positive. No matter what Jungkook had done to her, she knew that deep down Yina was a good person, who might have just acted on an impulse out of anger. 

Slowly Ha-na got up, letting her eyes wander up and down the little winding pathway for bikes before crossing it to sit on the bench where she and Tae had taken y/n on her first weekend in Seoul to eat chicken and drink beer while watching the lights of Banpo Bridge. Why did everything have to change? A few months ago things were perfect, everyone was so happy and now careers were ruined and relationships were breaking apart, trust was lost and too many tears were being shed. 

* 

It was dark and cold; the wind blowing in her face made her eyes tear up but she had to keep running. Her footsteps echoed loudly on the pavement, as she finally reached the part of the park where the poppy’s bloomed in spring. 

“Not far…” Stopping for a few seconds, she rested her hands on her knees, panting heavily. “Just keep going…” Sharply sucking in a breath, she sprinted the rest of the way, where she spotted Ha-na sitting on a bench near the riverbank, lost in thought. 

“Sorry, I had to sneak out, my brother was still awake.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Ha-na’s smile was weak, in the darkness the worry that was painted all over her face, made her look incredibly tired. “Come sit.” She patted down on the spot next to her. 

“Ha-na…” Almost eerily her name left her mouth, facing her best friend’s girlfriend. “What’s going on? I’m so confused…yesterday everything was fine and now, nobody is talking to me anymore.” 

“You really don’t know, huh?” 

“Know what?” 

“Haven’t you watched the news or were you online at all today?” 

She shook her head. “No, I was at work and when I got home, I had to make dinner for my brother and I was kind of preoccupied with being worried about why Jungkook isn’t speaking to me.” 

“Y/n…” Ha-na took the inside of her cheek in-between her teeth, letting her eyes wander over the black water of Han River, taking a little while to decide on how to say what she had to tell her. “Someone, we don’t know who… leaked videos of you and Jungkook…” 

“What? What videos? Did someone follow us?” Her heart crashed from her chest down into her stomach, chortling awkwardly in the abyss. 

“No, the videos you two filmed having sex…” 

All the color disappeared from her face; the contents of her stomach wanting to force its way out of her mouth. “No..no…this can't be happening.” Her nails dug into her scalp. 

“Y/n, I’m sorry but that’s why Jungkook isn’t talking to you.” Carefully she rested her hand on the other girl’s thigh. “They confiscated his phone and he’s not allowed to contact you. They want to avoid the press finding out more or worse seeing you together.”

“Is he okay?” 

“He’s very upset that he can’t see you..” She trailed off, keeping her eyes on the girl next to her, who went silent as tears dripped down her cheeks. 

Wrapping her arms loosely around herself, she just stared at her knees wishing that the tears would stop but they didn’t.

“Ha-na, I-I don't know how all of this started…Taehyung introduced me and I was just…head over heels from the start. It was like I didn’t have to search anymore…I found my soulmate…” 

Ha-na tilted her head, brows furrowing together; Jungkook had used similar words before to describe how he felt when he saw her. Maybe there was a chance that they both instantly felt a deep connection that couldn’t be explained. 

“I really tried to stay away from him, I swear. I didn’t want to get between him and his girlfriend and I know I should have waited until he broke up with her but I was so in love that I just stopped caring about what’s right. I just wanted to be with him and that was all that mattered to me. He promised me so many times that he would break up with her and although he never kept any of them, I still believed him because I just love him so much, more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I didn’t care that it hurt me as long as I had him. I can’t even tell you why we filmed those videos, I know it was stupid but it was all we had when we couldn’t be together and I was the one who initiated it. So it’s all my fault that he is in trouble.” Her hand balled into a fist, before repeatedly hitting against her forehead. “I’m so stupid, I should have known better… stupid, stupid, stupid.” She whined over and over with each word increasing the force of her hand. 

“Hey, y/n. Stop that.” Ha-na pulled on her arm, trying to prevent her from hurting herself. “We all know what you two did was wrong but people do stupid things all the time. We can’t turn back time, the damage is done- all we can do now is try to fix th-” 

“Tae knows, doesn’t he? That’s why he’s not talking to me.” She blurted out, interrupting Ha-na mid-sentence like she didn’t even listen to any of the words that left her mouth. “I know I was doing something really bad when I had to start lying to my best friend. Oh god.” 

“Yes, he knows now and he is really hurt and angry with you, not just with you, with Jungkook too.” She explained, her fingers lacing with y/n’s. “But I’m sure, he will forgive you. You know Tae, he can be stubborn when he gets into his head too much but he always comes around.” 

For a little while Ha-na just let her cry, she now had to process what everyone else had tried to do all day. 

“Ha-na…” She hiccuped, wiping her cheeks with the sleeve of her jacket. “Do you think I can talk to the company and tell them that I will take all the blame? I’ll tell them that I took one of the videos without him knowing and made him take the second one. I’ll just lie and say I lost my phone and the person who found it, did that to us. I don’t want Jungkook to be upset. It’s all my fault.”

“He would never let you do that, y/n.” 

“I know but if you don’t tell him, I can just do it in the morning. I’ll go there right now and wait for someone to show up.” 

“And what good would that do, hm?” Ha-na chuckled at the ridiculousness of her words, waiting for an answer but she came up short. “The company is taking care of it. They have people trying to find who did this. You can’t take the fall for it when both of you are responsible.” 

“But he worked so hard and I’ve ruined it all.” 

Ha-na turned around, grabbing harshly onto her shoulders to force y/n to look at her. “You haven’t ruined it all, stop saying that. If he didn’t want to film those videos, he wouldn’t have done it. Jungkook is not a baby, he knew what you guys were doing was reckless and so unbelievably stupid. Let the company deal with it, in a week nobody will be talking about it; another scandal will pop up and people will forget that Jungkook is a normal human being who has a sex-life. It’s not the end of the world, it will all be fine.” Ha-na heard the words leaving her mouth, but it felt like someone else was saying them. Everything inside her was screaming that it wouldn’t be so easy; that it wouldn’t be forgotten in a week but her heart couldn’t handle seeing the girl in front of her falling apart and wanting to make irrational decisions to protect the boy she loved. 

Ha-na checked her phone; it was almost 2 in the morning - tomorrow would be another long day. She stood, facing y/n where their ways would part for the night. 

“Promise me, you’ll stay off the internet for a while and take care of yourself.” 

Y/n gave her a weak smile. “I promise and you’ll text me if anything happens.” 

“Of course, I’ll tell you all about Kookie’s day.” She winked, hugging her extra tight. 

“Tell him that I love him, okay?” 

“I will.” Watching as she walked away, Ha-na couldn’t shake the bad feeling that was trying gnaw its way into her mind. Y/n was smiling through the pain, trying to be strong because breaking down wasn’t going to make the situation any easier. 

Ha-na reached the dorm a little later, after enduring endless security procedures before she could finally get back into bed. Some of the reporters were still prowling the streets around the fenced-in community, hoping they would find any more dirt on the matter. 

Slipping off her shoes in the entryway, she quietly tiptoed through the apartment. 

“Is he still awake?” She muttered under her breath when she stopped in front of Jungkook’s room, the crack from underneath the door indicating that the lights were still on as well as the music but the sobs had subsided. Quietly she opened the door to find the youngest sleeping on his bed. 

“Wasting all this energy.” Shaking her head, she switched off the ceiling light, before turning off the Bluetooth speaker on his nightstand; deciding she’d leave on the fairy lights above the headboard. 

Jungkook’s face was puffy from crying himself to sleep, the pillowcase still stained with tears, making her heart feel heavy. She had just wanted for him to do the right thing and now that he had finally done it, karma was lashing out at him - taking away the things he loved. He talked about soulmates and so did y/n, but Ha-na was a strong believer in people getting what they deserved yet she wasn’t sure if karma wasn’t being too harsh on the young boy with the big doe eyes. 

She pulled the duvet over his sleeping form, gently stroking his hair as his lashes fluttered at her touch. 

“Get some rest, little one.” She whispered, his lips parting in an o-shape as he sighed contently. “Everything will be okay, y/n still loves you.” 

* 

Yoongi and the others were sitting at the kitchen table, talking and drinking wine to forget how bad their day had been. The maknae had disappeared into his room after talking to their boss in the morning, wanting to be alone - sending away anyone who tried to comfort him. 

“I will never understand, why they thought it was a good idea to film themselves having sex…” Hoseok took a big gulp from his glass. “I thought we taught Jungkookie better than this.”  

The leader sighed, rubbing his temples with his fingertips. “They were kissing fire and now we all got burned.” 

“What do you mean, hyung?” Jimin asked while pouring more wine for his older brothers. 

“I mean, they knew what they were doing was dangerous, -maybe that’s why it was so enticing to them but neither of them stopped to think about the consequences and now we all have to pay. Whether it’s Taehyung being incredibly hurt by his friends lying to him or our image forever being tarnished because of those videos. We all will have to deal with the consequences of someone leaking it. From now on, we will have to be extra careful to ensure our privacy.” 

“Who do you think leaked the video?” Jimin was looking at all of them curiously. 

“Yina, obviously.” The oldest replied. “Jungkook was cheating on her for months.” 

Hoseok nodded. “Yeah, getting cheated on is the worst. I wouldn’t even be mad at her if she did it. If I were in her shoes, I would’ve done the same.” 

“All of you should be ashamed! Gossiping like teenage girls.” Ha-na scoffed suddenly, standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

“And you should be ashamed because eavesdropping isn’t nice.” 

“I wasn’t but it’s good to know that you think it was Yina when it wasn’t her.” 

“How would you know?” Jin had a sour expression on his face. 

“Because apparently, I’m the only one who thought of asking her.” 

“You talked to Yina?” Jimin stood up so suddenly that his chair tipped over, forcing Yoongi to catch it before it hit the floor. 

“I did and it wasn’t her.”

“And you really believe her?” 

Yoongi waved his hand, silently telling Jimin to be quiet so Ha-na could speak. 

“Yes, she told me she logged into Jungkook’s iCloud to get the proof she needed that he was cheating on her but she did not save the videos nor did she post them online. She said she was too humiliated; she didn’t want anyone to know that her boyfriend cheated on her.” 

“Makes sense…” 

Ha-na shrugged, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. “We all have brains, sometimes it’s good to use it so it doesn’t get rusty.” Sticking her tongue out, she nudged Jin’s shoulder on her way back. 

It was getting late and Yoongi was loading up the dishwasher before heading to bed himself. 

“I’ll never volunteer to do this again.” He quickly wiped a few water stains off the counter before throwing the kitchen towel next to the sink in defeat. 

He let his gaze wander around the room before switching the light off, the cold floor making him shiver and wanting to get into his warm, comfy bed as soon as possible when he suddenly heard a knock on the door. 

“It’s almost midnight, who….” Yoongi trailed off, waddling to check who had managed to get past security at this hour. 

Suspiciously, he opened the door just a bit to see y/n standing there, her shoulders hanging low, eyes swimming in an ocean of tears. 

“Y/n, you know I cannot let you in, I’m so sorry.” Saying those words made him feel awful, her lips quivering dangerously. 

“Can I at least speak to Taehyung?” 

“He doesn’t want to see you right now…” His voice was straining as he denied the girl any form of communication with the two people she needed the most right now. 

“Can I see Jungkook? Please, Yoongi, just for a minute…” He wasn’t sure if his tired eyes were playing tricks on him but he swore he saw tears falling from her eyes and hitting the marble tiles. 

“I-he will get into trouble if management finds out…” 

“You’re right, I don’t want to cause any more trouble for him than I already have.” She let out a choked sob, turning around to leave and Yoongi knew that he was about to do something stupid. 

Seeing her being just as shaken up as his little brother was too much for him. He had doubted their love; he didn’t believe in soulmates - he did not think this relationship had a real future after hearing bits and pieces from Jimin. But his heart broke for the girl who so desperately wanted to see the boy she loved that she found a way past security in the middle of the night just to see him. 

“Y/n, wait…” He said, stepping away from the door. “Go see him. I don’t know you’re here and I did not open the door for you.” 

“Thank you.” She bowed, closing the door behind her. 

Yoongi watched her walk up to Jungkook’s room, knocking a few times before he finally opened the door. His eyes grew wide and a gasp escaped his mouth when he realized that it was her and not one of his members bothering him again. Almost instantly he reached for her arm, pulling her into his room; a smile tugged at Yoongi’s lips. Maybe had done the right thing after all. 

Jungkook slammed the door shut, his arms tightly wrapping around her- making sure she couldn’t just walk out, not when he needed to hold her so badly. It still felt like he was dreaming, he had lost count of how many times he had imagined seeing her in the last 48 hours. She nestled her face into his soft sweatshirt, inhaling his scent that always seemed to calm her fluttering heart. 

After what felt like an eternity, he pulled away only to cup her face. Peppering soft kisses all over her cheeks to erase the tears that felt like acid against his swollen lips. 

“I miss you so much, baby.” He mumbled, his lips ghosting over hers, reuniting them in an innocent kiss. 

“I miss you too. Not being able to talk to you is the worst.” Her fingers helplessly dug into the soft fabric covering his chest. 

“I know…” Rubbing calming circles on her back - he didn’t want to spend the short amount of time they had crying but as much as he tried to hold it together, he couldn’t and neither did she. Uncontrollably the tears kept falling, mixing with sniffles and shallow breaths in between kisses. 

“I’m sorry, it’s all my fault this is happening.” 

“Noona, no! You know that’s not true.” 

“Yes, it is. If I didn’t…” She wept, looking up at him with so much hurt in her eyes that he felt his heart split in two. “It’s my fault…I made you take those videos..” She buried her face against his chest; Jungkook could feel each sob in his bones. 

“No one is blaming you! We’re in this together, baby, okay?” His arms locked around her torso as he pressed kisses on top of her head. He was clueless, he didn't know what to say to make her feel better when it all weighed heavy on his mind, preoccupying his every thought and draining every ounce of positivity from his body. There was no magical solution; Sejin had told him to just stick it out for now until people got bored but seeing her cry made it so much more difficult. He just wanted to do something; something that would make all the pain, all the headlines and tears go away so they could be together but there was nothing he could do, other than to hold her, to let her know he would never let her go - not even in the darkest of times. 

Suddenly, she pulled away to bring some distance between them. Avoiding his gaze, she focused on the fairy lights, her vision getting blurry. Ha-na had told her not to do anything stupid but she couldn’t help but think that maybe she was the cause of all of this. If she wasn’t in his life then he wouldn’t have to endure the mean comments being made; he would be happy and doing the things he loved without being worried and locked inside this apartment. 

She was ruining his career and everything he had worked for - if she wasn’t around things could go back to normal for him. She would be happy to see him happy, even if it was without her around. 

“Kookie…” His name fell almost inaudible from her lips. “Everything will be okay, right? Promise me you won’t let those people get to you.” 

Jungkook was taken aback, he didn’t quite know what she meant - his brain operating slowly from the lack of sleep and constantly working in overdrive. 

“Promise.” He attempted a weak smile to ease her worries but before he could say anything she turned around.

“I should get going before someone finds out I was here…” 

“No, please don’t go. Just stay the night.” 

“You know that’s not possible.” 

Slowly he followed her to the front door, where she finally looked at him with tears in her eyes. He wanted to reach out to hug and kiss her, not knowing when he would see her again but something stopped him. 

Her heart was wrenching in pain when she bowed to him. “Be well, Kookie! I hope you have a good life.” Carefully her hand slid into the pocket of her jacket, trembling fingers wrapping around the white gold bangle. 

“What?” He asked, panic making his pupils dilate. He didn’t understand - just moments ago she had told him that she missed him. What was happening? He wanted to stand in her way, stop her from leaving but he couldn’t move, his body had turned into stone. Unable to get any part of him to move, he just stood there like a statue even as she reached for his hand, placing the bracelet he had given to her on it. 

“Give this to someone who deserves it more than me.” His insides were screaming, nerves desperately tingling to set his legs in motion but it was too late - the door opened and closed. She was gone. His heart silently breaking in his chest; hot streams of tears cascading down his cheeks in disbelief. Where did this short visit go wrong or had it been her plan all along to come to see him and end their relationship when it had just begun? 

In trance, he walked through the pitch-black apartment and without knocking into the room where he knew he was still loved. Jimin was lying on his back, furiously hitting the buttons on his Nintendo Switch when Jungkook laid down beside him, burying his face in his older brother's side. “What’s wrong?”  “S-she broke up...” He couldn’t bring himself to say it because if he did then there was no going back - he would have lost his soulmate forever. 

Taking deep breaths, she hurried past the two security guards and into the stairwell. Cowering down in a corner, she covered her mouth to silence the sobs that were shaking her entire body. He would be better off without her; all those girls were right she was ruining his life and she wasn’t going to let that happen - after all; if you love someone you should set them free if you’re holding them back.