#and she wants to believe he CAN come back and things cna be okay but. she’s ultimately ignore the harm he did to get where he is

[chipjrwibignaturals]

honestly i know a lot of people were upset with mays discussion w jay abt jayson, thought it was too… sympathetic, pointing to redemption etc, but i liked it for the depth it gave him (as well as may, who’s characterized further then as a kind of tragic “i-can-fix-him” type who tries to give everyone the best she can even if it’s ultimately just at her detriment, but that’s not the point)

may says that jayson acts the way he does because he’s ultimately just desperately seeking approval from his commander and mother.

i don’t think it anyway excuses his actions (making your daughter execute one of her best friends and all that is pretty fucking unredeemable), but it contextualizes em. it doesn’t make me sympathize with what he’s done (especially since it’s implied he’s been fairly abusive even since jay was a little girl) , but it sure makes me pity him.

he’s changed then from just An Asshole to a tragic asshole— we know what caused him to change and spiral, the fatal flaw that drove him to worse and worse actions all in an attempt to finally achieve something that, frankly, I doubt he’d ever truly receive (validation, love). it doesn’t make him right. there were countless paths he could’ve taken, ultimately what he’s done is on him and him alone, but. you know why he’s done it. yknow?

this is a man driven to the extreme on a search for something that he can never have, and the tragedy lies in that he doesn’t know that. so he’s kept going and going further and further until he’s discarded so much of himself in pursuit of this thing that to give up now would be to give up everything. might as well go all the way, you’ve got to be so close to getting it now… right?

[enchantechante]

I know the post is days old but the one about the man,well both about the men who left the women after being incarcerated made me sad.That same thing happened to my older sister.She would send her friend who was incarcerated for fifteen years money to help with any and everything he needed.They talked everyday even when she was dog tired from working 12/13 hour shifts as a CNA.She was making sure he had food and even paid for books he needed for classes(it's weird because he was taking real estate classes.I guess real estate is a big thing in prison?Idk.)But she made sure he was okay everyday for years all while taking care of herself ,me,our mom who has cancer and our cousins who were sick as well.

I will never forget how he would pressure her to get into the real estate industry but she was nervous to do so because she didn't want to waste her hard earned money.She was also paying off her student loans.So he tried to get her to use OPM(other people's money)and when she decided not to after he told her how it works,he would belittle her because she didn't want to take out loans. She's always been responsible money wise and never took out a loan except for school.He even made fun of her CNA job as if she was less than him.

Fast forward,he did get out and they kept in touch but then he disappeared too after he started making money rehabbing houses.He was always driven to be a millionaire and told her if she wasn't going to start a business or start real estate then they couldn't be friends.Who does that?He lied to people saying no one was there for him after he got and lied about his finances so people could give him money to help him rehab homes.It was weird.

My sister is a big believer in God and has always helped others because that's how our mom raised us.In his darkest hours she was there for him,just like those ladies were there for their friends and just like I tell my sister,I'm going to tell the other ladies the same...THEY WILL BE BLESSED AND GET IT ALL BACK!I never want people to feel bad for being there for someone especially with they needed it or believing in someone when no one else did.It doesn't matter who shows up when someone finally starts winning and being successful.The ones who were there when people had nothing should always be celebrated.There's nothing wrong with wanting to be wealthy but people in general need to watch how they treat others and decide to throw others away just because that person isn't on their level,at that time.To me it says a lot about someone's character and if someone could do that to someone who was there when they had nothing,thinking they're so much better than them,I can only imagine how they would be once wealthy.To know people only want to deal with you because you have money should make anyone very nervous.What if you get sick or if things go left one day and your money's gone? Who's going to be there? We're all living on borrowed time.I would much rather treat everyone like somebody and keep a clean heart than use people for my selfish needs and money.It's just very sad and wrong.

@ sad/wrong - This is 'xactly how I feel about financially manipulative ppl too - triangulating relationship to get you to spend your money.

💕 Love this - "Theres nothing wrong with bring wealthy but ppl in general need to watch how they treat others."

And it hasnt been explicitly stated (i cld be wrong) but I got a hunch they would never allow female friends to treat them like this and still try and be close.

In general, I hope women find a higher standard to put these men to when it comes to friendship. 🫶🏾

[lucyhalearchive]

Goodbye (N.R.)

Will I ever write a happy Natasha fic? Probably not. I’ve been gone for a while because I got into my dream school, and I’ve been moving in, buying supplies, and just a few other things. 

I’ve also been saving a few drafts of fics so that way if I am busy this semester, I can still post for you guys. We’re really close to 100, too!!

Thank you so much, everyone <3

Warnings: descriptive injury, mentions of disassociation, depression, blood, death??? (I put quotes because this may or may not end on a cliff hanger).

Word Count: 1.6k 

Summary: You need to tell Natasha goodbye before leaving

You wake up to the same white ceiling with the same brown trimming, and you wonder if it will ever be different one day; when you open your eyes, it’ll be a brown, wooden ceiling instead of the dotted popcorn currently resting there. You refuse to push yourself out of bed, so instead you turn to your side to make eye contact with your alarm clock missing: Natasha. A group of you were out on another scouting mission trying to find another stolen piece of technology, and you had been bunking with her whenever you decided to settle down from traveling. 

You ponder on the idea of just staying in your bed until someone realizes that you’re not present. Then again, would they? You begin to dwell on the swarming negativity that planted itself in your mind. Would your team notice your absence, and would they even care? Would they come out and look for you? Would they mourn you?

You sit up in the bed hurriedly, trying to push the thoughts away. Usually when you spiral like this, you can quite literally shake them off of your skin, but you know they will come back later to bite you in the ass. The breeze pushes past the small, shortened curtains on the windows on either side of a wooden door that leads out into the neighborhood street, and you start to pull the light brown sheet closer to you when you see Steve run past where you reside. 

“Time to get up. We have to get moving.” He says in passing, hand hitting against the doorframe, and it causes you to flinch. Maybe they did notice after all. The second your legs swing over the bed and hit the floor, everything seems to move in slow motion; almost as if you’re walking through sludge. You believe that if Steve were to run by again, his voice would become distorted. 

Walking out into the field nearby, a place you all were using for meetups, sparing, and anything that could be useful in your current situation, you bask and relish in the softness that the air holds. The sun still hits your skin and warms it like a blanket fresh from the dryer, but the wind cools you down immediately after. In the distance, you can see Steve and Sam talking while pointing over the horizon as Natasha simply stands closer to a cliff, seemingly deep in thought. 

“Good. You’re here. We’re heading out in about five minutes, so get ready.” Sam fills you in the rest of the way, but your mind keeps wandering to the dangers that have stumbled upon you; how you’ve kept yourself alive. Alive for your mother. Alive for the cat Bucky is currently watching over. Alive for Natasha. Speaking of which, you give Sam a curt nod and head over to her. 

“You alright?” You question, placing yourself right beside Natasha, staring out onto the horizon. Sheep graze, never stopping, and birds circle the sky looking for any stragglers. Natasha takes a deep breath before turning her body to you slightly, never taking her eyes off the sheep. 

“I’ve just been thinking about the future recently, but the past still finds its way in there.” She pulls her hands behind her back and lays one arm on top of the other, a military stance, almost. 

“Our future?” You ask, full of hope because you often thought of what life would be like if you knew that Natasha would be there forever, in every waking moment. She shakes her head. 

“What my life would be like if I went back and changed the past.” She finishes, finally looking at you. She slips her hand over your left cheek, and her thumb glides over the surface. You know of her past. You know that she wishes a million choices could be reversed or changed. You know how horribly it pains and haunts her sometimes, and you wish you could fix it. You put your hand over hers and smile; a sad grin flashes over her face, and you wonder what she’s planning. 

“Let’s move.” Sam shouts out from his position, and before Natasha even begins to move to meet up with them, she places a long kiss on your forehead. Almost as if she is savoring the kiss. 

You give one last look to the long fall from the cliff to the plains beneath, and a familiar urge bubbles up from your chest. However, you four don’t have to worry about traveling far because a group, or a small army, really, shows themselves as they push above the hill, and Steve clenches his jaw. 

“I hear that you four are trying to find this.” The thief reveals Tony’s device that you still had no idea what it was. It’s a small, spherical device that lights up when touched. 

“We don’t want any trouble. We just want the device.” Sam steps forward slightly in front of Steve, much to his displeasure. Natasha copies his movements and places herself in front of you. 

“Yes, a device that I intend to keep safe and away from you.” The accent slips through to your ears, and he sends his followers after you all. Usually, you’re calm in moments such as these, and not long ago, you were begging Steve to let you go out on missions such as these. Now, your body is tensing at the sight of the large army barreling towards just the four of you, but you know that you could all fend them off easily. 

As you quickly snap the wrist of some poor soldier who tried to sneak up behind you, your eyes shift to your friends, checking in on them. Steve and Sam are holding their own, but also helping each other out, and Natasha is effortlessly taking down a few soldiers. Nonetheless, you notice a few of them preparing to team up on her, so you rush over, pushing yourself in front of Natasha. 

Again, everything around you became distorted, walking through sludge. The piercing, burning pain of a sharp, metal spear pushes through your skin and onto the ground beneath, holding your body in place; you don’t let out a scream, just a grunt of displeasure. Every alarm bell that is supposed to be ringing is silent, and your life plays in front of your face despite Steve standing in front of you asking questions. 

You can see his younger self flash beside him, and you wonder if you’re going crazy. If you were, would you even realize it? Would anyone even know? You remember the first day you met Steve all those years ago at one of Tony’s parties. You had a bet on who would get drunk first, but the bastard didn’t tell you that he couldn’t really get drunk. You were swaying and slurring while he was standing upright. 

You start to believe that the burning sensation rising in your back and stomach will never end. You cna faintly hear Sam and Steve arguing over if they should remove the spear at all from you or the ground, but you could care less. Your eyes shift to Natasha, and the rest of the world becomes blurry. Maybe it’s because of the blood loss, but you can see her just fine. You’re trying to memorize the way her hair sits on her forehead after a battle. The way her eyebrows are creasing as she tries to decipher what you’re thinking. The way the sunset creates a glow on her face. 

I should’ve stayed inside. 

Steve grabs your face as your head begins to lull backwards, now looking at the sky, and your eyes fight to stay open. When you meet his eyeline, you try to reach out to place and hand on his shoulder, and maybe get out a few words of sentiment. 

“Save it. You’re going to be just fine. We’re going to take the spear out of the ground and lay you down, okay?” You try to nod back, but everything is moving too slow for you. The wind no longer helps cool you down, but it feels freezing. 

“Are you serious? That’s going to cause serious bleeding, and we’re already losing too much!” Natasha interjects which causes a fight between her and Sam. Steve tries to ignore them. As the sun hits Steve’s blonde hair, you laugh. He looks up after sitting you on the ground, spear at and angle. It hurts a little more, but at least you aren’t trying to keep yourself up. 

“What’s so funny?” He raises an eyebrow before looking away from your eyes to plan what to do next. 

“You were always the golden boy, Rogers.” You mention while raising a hand to point out the golden hue the sun gave him. Should you really be cracking jokes now?  Natasha looks away from Sam to sit by your side. She pushes your hair away from your head and stares at you. 

“Don’t close your eyes. We’re going to get you home. We need to get you home.” Her voice falters towards the end, but you don’t mention it. It would only make her more upset. She continuously strokes your hair, and it removes your thoughts from Sam and Steve working to remove the spear without causing too much blood loss. 

“Do you think Bucky is taking care of my cat?” You ponder aloud, and she laughs sadly. 

“I think Bucky stole her by now.” She leans her forehead down to meet yours, noses brushing. 

“Natasha, if I make it out of here-” You try to start, but her head snaps back as she looks at you in bewilderment. She takes both of your hands in hers. 

“Which you will.” She quickly interjects, but it doesn’t give you hope; you give her a stern look. 

“I want to marry you.” You flatly state. You have wanted to ask her for a while, but fear got the better of you. It is now or never. Literally. She stays quiet, seemingly debating with herself again, and you finally slip out of consciousness. 

---

I rearranged my room today, so I am beyond tired. I hope you loved it <3

Again, thank you all for the support! I can not believe how far we’ve come. Another thing before I go: if I were to write a series, what would you like to see? Let me know!

-Lucy 

[smndragon]

Hello, I know I haven’t been following your account for too long but you’re one of my fave accounts. You really put a lot of effort and offer your resources/knowledge/time without hesitation which I feel often times other creators don’t really have the opportunity to do. Thank you for your dedication because I’ve found your posts really insightful and they’ve been really helpful in expanding my knowledge <3

I also wanted to ask if you were offering readings atm because I was really interested in receiving one from you! If not, it’s okay! <33

[ Big Six :

Sagittarius ↑, Scorpio ☀︎, Leo ☽

Virgo Venus , Capricorn Mars, Sagittarius Mercury ]

I hope you’ve been doing well and I hope both sides of your pillow is cold !!! <3

Also, Idk if you watch anime but if you could recommend one one of your faves I’d really appreciate it! :,))

If you don’t mind me asking, I was wondering how many years you’ve been studying Astro considering the amount of knowledge you have. I’ve been dabbling myself but I find it intimidating. ESP when it comes to the complexity of birth charts because of all the different variables you need to consider.

Thank you for taking your time to read my ask! I really appreciate your consideration!! <3

You had me over here looking up "what does atm mean in text" like a grandma on Google 😭😭 I really couldn't figure that out I thought of the money atm. Thank you for saying all this though! I do try to take time even if my fingers have to hurt for it. I'm glad you're learning a bit from them or opening your mind to it! Glad to be one of your favs!

An anime recommendation is probably sword art online. It's a basic but I really like it I've watched all the seasons at least 5 or 4 times. Either that or possibly is it wrong to pick up girls in a dungeon I think it was called. I haven't watched anime in a while to be honest. Learning wise and growth I believe movies like Mirai and flavours of youth on Netflix are very sentimental and leave you touched.

I've been studying only since early 2021 really maybe mid? I started by Tumblr actually, I got the app because I wanted to read more fanfic sites and explore more and I got into more astrology here. I already was interested before then for years but I never actually looked so far into it until then. I actually only learned by readings posts every day I would look up "astro observations" and just read for as long as I could. I took a few people's charts that are long dead by now to compare and analyze since I liked them so much. I learned everything here and still am. I actually recently got back into the astrology side, I took a break to read more into other things. The rest I get are based on feelings and easy searching, I'm sorry I can't really explain it too well. Most of the stuff I learned was from @d4rkpluto @saintzjenx @hillarysss and @ilyneptune I believe is somewhere there either that or it was for pile readings which they have really good ones!

It's like 5:36 in the morning I haven't slept at all but I feel great so let's do your reading! Hm, Scorpio sun, Leo moon, and Sagittarius ascendant. We have the same ascendant which makes me happy! I didn't save so a part got deleted but I saw a girl with lilies on her head immediately, like a sort of crown. It reminded me of Hans Christian Andersen because he once made a flower crown and placed it on someone's hat making them mad after finally finding it💀 this girl reminds me of a time that seems so long ago now. She smiles at nothing and laughs at air, as if she sees things no else had dared speak to. Children are walkways wonderful because they have these gifts, to see things we cant. Possibly 'imaginary' friend when you were younger, or you spent time just pleasing yourself easily.

The first sign that talks to me is the Leo moon, the Scorpio wanted to speak but the Leo was very loud. It feels so touch starved to me which ain't bad but lord both it and the Scorpio sun are. Possible manifestation abilities. They aren't strong but you're able to do it anyone is, whatever you want in life must be looked brightly at, it's okay to have dark days but return that dream and wanting image to your sun and it will become as close as true as out world allows it. The flower crown I saw makes me think there's an Innocence and purity in you that still stand today, never changing. The flowers are the manifestation of this Innocence and this need to be that ways somewhere in you. Possibly fear of expectation and somehow losing that part of you to something in the future. You shouldn't be afraid of what happens, things will change sadly, we can never change that and as people we have to accept it even if it gets dark. Unless this will deeply harm you it's time to let go. Tell that younger you or someone that they cna be free, to be a with all the friends they were with when they were younger. Ik that wasn't a full reading but that's what I got from either your Leo or Scorpio. The Leo wants your joy to be brought back, but not in the form of the fear of losing something. "I'm here" "it's okay" they held you at your darkest moments and will continue to do so. I feel they'll be there especially when you're older, telling you it's alright to let go of the life you once had. (Dark theme sorry but it is what happens to us all in the end) their home is in you, every part I see, the physical body comes out when you need her, a dirty blonde with a white plain shoulder and neck showing shirt, with a plain but modern skirt thin material. They have brown eyes, the eyes of a mother really, with a broad and flattens at the nose. A few dots on the sides of their eyes or face. Aura color is a wheat yellow.

The Scorpio sun is very wanting, jealous of being ignored at times. It wants some things so wholly it hurts. The domain of the Scorpio is a dark and warm place, sweat falls down my forehead as if I'm being boiled to a roast. I want to hold the Scorpio sun, it feels ignored by people. Scorpios are every sympathetic people deep down, they crave affection and reassurance, when not given they cna form unhealthy habits. Not to say you're suffering from this too harshly it's just your Scorpio needs to be cared for at some point, drink a cup of tea or something soothing, talk to your Scorpio and let it talk back, in the deepest parts of your mind they are there always and forever, waiting to recover with your strength and company. Aura is brown and radiant black splotches here and there. Possible placements are the neck, or left shoulder. Body is in the form of a bulked Scorpion, brown shelled. You may possibly have longer nails or well shaped ones. Been complimented on your hands or had them called small which was annoying maybe.

The last of the signs is the Sagittarius ascendant. It take the form of a human, has a long tail though, reptile like. It adores the space you allow it. It roams the chest area, pillows and blankets cover the room. The Sagittarius isn't lazy, it's just overworked they don important things for the body, they care for your muscles and heart. Making sure it has steady beats. They keep you as active as you could be. Enough to keep you healthy. The room is plain with white walls and tan yellow carpet. The Sagittarius takes chalk and writes on the walls "plans" "action" weird words to put down but they keep writing, I also them what they're doing but don't really get a reply. Nothing left here.

Characteristics: small hands well shaped nails, brown hair?, Style is kind of alt if or neutral. Hoodies, jeans, skirts occasionally, the not too extreme chokers, bracelets, slight makeup or none. Because of the Sagittarius I would like to say tall and slim, but I have that and I sure am not those💀 possibly could still work though. I think short though honestly. Sneakers. Binders and folders in school or home. Filled with ideas and things. Brown or green eyes.

Soulmate/ future relationship: (it in one now ignore or keep reading) I see you both planning stories and all kind soft things, laying down pointing to journals and books of your things. You guys don't laugh often but you do show affection in smiles, kisses, hugs, and closeness. I feel they won't fully kiss you until you age to grab their face or after the 11th date🙃

Possible zodiac influence in your life around you: Scorpio Mars, Gemini Venus, Libra

Future/health: nothing much here possible accidents involving phones be careful and lay attention, may crack or break it soon.

[bittybattybunny]

Another ☕ pleas and the plot of gods among us if I may

The man saw the mark and gave a sympathetic smile. He reached to undo the clasps on his shirt and turned his back to her and showed the spiraling eel-like marking. It appeared more like a tattoo than a birthmark with the black thorny coloration. She gasped and reached for it, her cold fingers tracing his skin. 

Another God Amongst us snippet since you asked for plot

Amaris Eclipse Nightingale of the Horizon Abyss is a Sea witch who can’t cast magic. While she heads to the temple of the sea god Aslan to be purified, to at least make her curse lessen, she comes across a bickering duo. A man with long chestnut black hair, and a little girl with bright copper hair. The two are also heading to the temple to get help for a curse he has (he turns into a leviathan when wet and has a ‘curse mark’ on his back) Honeysuckle is a changeling he travels with and she seems to know more than she lets on.

As they travel, Amaris tries to undo his curse when he’s sleeping even though this speeds up her curse.

it comes to light that her curse was a result of her being the sea witch from “the little mermaid” and she very much warned the princess and family that if she cast the spell if she did not get the kiss she would die as merfolk have no souls. The curse on her is a result of their anger on her because she HAS a soul so the curse is slowly eating at her and speeds up when she uses magic.

As they travel, Arulius shows he knows things he shouldn’t a normal human and even though he claims he really has no idea why he knows Amaris has a hard time believing it.

The two grow closer as they get closer to the temple but her health is getting worse and worse because she can’t fix his curse no matter her attempts, even though he realizes the more she tries the more he remembers of his past. Honeysuckle gets worried about this but he says he’s fine with it.

While visiting a village on the shore before they swim to the temple (its for a sea god after all so its on an island and the whole island is the temple) Amaris’s condition worsens and a storm threatens to break the village. Arulius takes her to swim to the island and finds she can’t even take her mer form from the state of her curse. As he’s swimming against the sea and keeping her safe he finally gets the last bits of his memory back.

Aslan the god of the sea is none other than himself, and he ran away from his position. For over 300 years honeysuckle was using a time piece to erase his memories at his request so he could pretend to be a human and she would humor him about his ‘curse’

He recognizes the curse on Amaris and once at the temple take shuman form as his looks start to return to his god state (black hair, glowing eyes, sharper teeth, pointed ears) as he tries to remove her curse

She tries to fight him at first as she’s not aware of his changes fully and doesn’t know he IS the god she wanted to be forgiven by (and he already forgave her but it wont fix the curse. he doesn’t blame her at all since she was jsut doing her job as a sea witch)

He ends up sharing his blood, in a sense making her his bride in an attempt to get rid of the curse and it works (he was scared it wouldn’t since it was a shot in the dark) When she’s lucid again he tries to explain and she gets flustered and he asks her to be his wife and she does agree, sharing a proper kiss.

This actually transfers a bit of his magic to her, making her a sea goddess which she was actually pretty close to given her natural magic and the fact she was a souled mermaid.

They go back to honeysuckle and are able to give her a merform since they cna both use magic and the three swim off into the sea as a family. Guiding lost ships and sinking those who fight the natural balance (and Aslan goes to give the royal family of the sea a real earful over their behavior and may or may not cursed them all in his anger)

you can thank this au on @disofbz since i got the idea from a tag they left on my art. They mentioned the epilogue TLC Ru and Eclipse looked like greek gods and my brain “okay but consider---”

[iamvegorott]

Hidden Romance Ch. 13

Wanna help me and give me some support? |Donate To My PayPal|

Glitched

Marvin was washing the dishes from ‘brunch’, it was too late in the day to call it breakfast but it wasn’t really lunchtime, so they just had a large meal anyway. 

“So, I think I have it figured out,” Chase said, coming up next to Marvin and drying the cleaned dishes. 

“It hasn’t even been a whole day.” Marvin was unaffected by Chase’s sudden appearance. 

“Mare’s just as disastrous as the rest of them and I could see it loud and clear,” Chase said. 

“What’s your conclusion then?” Marvin chuckled.

“Mare likes Jackie.” The confidence in Chase’s voice and what he said threw Marvin off. 

“Jackie? Our Jackie?” Marvin stopped scrubbing to look at Chase. “What makes you think that?” 

“When I got up this morning; Mad, Mare, and Jackie were in the living room already. Quick note, Jackie wants to stab Alice in the head and they convinced him not to take off to do that.” 

“He wants to what!?” Marvin almost dropped the plate in his hands. 

“I already talked to him while you guys were cooking and he’s not going to take off on his own, he knows better than that.”

“I don’t think my heart could handle one of my boys going off like that again.” Marvin went back to scrubbing. 

“I think that is what’s making him stay. He wants the best for the family and him taking off would hurt us.” Chase started a second stack of plates so they didn’t get too high. “So, when Mare was telling Jackie not to go, he was very stern about it.” 

“He seems like a stern person in general. Gives off a little bit of a Dark vibe.” Marvin said. “But that might be a demon thing...no...Phantom’s just loud, more of an Anti vibe for him.” 

“You’re getting distracted,” Chase said with a little chuckle.

“Too much is happening at one time to keep track,” Marvin said. “Anyway, so Mare didn’t want Jackie to leave? That just sounds smart.” 

“But he sounded worried when he was telling Jackie not to get hurt, like that thought hurt himself.” Chase traded towel when his current one got too wet to use properly. 

“Mare can’t be empathetic?” 

“We’ve seen him deal with others in bad situations, he cares but it’s never affected him like that.” 

“Sympathy.” Marvin chewed on the inside of his cheek. 

“It’s not hard to believe that a sympathetic person can be empathic for someone they have something for.” Chase checked over his shoulder to make sure they were still alone. “And when Mad was getting worked up and Jackie gave him the pat on the shoulder, Mare made a face.” 

“A face?” 

“A jealous face.” 

“Jealous that Jackie was touching Mad?” Marvin had found he was lowering his voice. 

“And I think Jackie might have a thing for Mad.” Chase was now whispering as well. 

“I think Mad likes Jackie.” Marvin leaned a little towards Chase. 

“They’re always together, they’re blushing messes and I caught Jackie his doe-eyes at Mad.”

“His doe-eyes?” Marvin actually gasped. “Holy shit.” 

“Right?” Chase was no longer drying. “Mare likes Jackie and Jackie like Mad and Mad likes Jackie but Mare cares for Mad cause, well, family and this is the most complicated triangle I’ve seen in a while.” 

“What are you two gossiping about?” Anti asked, walking into the kitchen with two mugs in his hands 

“We aren’t gossiping.” Chase protested.

“So you’re whispering close to each other during a normal conversation?” Anti clicked her tongue. “Sounds like gossiping to me.”

“It’s about you and Dark being too loud at night,” Marvin said.

“We-We aren’t-uh-” Anti stammered.

“I wasn’t born yesterday, Anti. I know you and Host have been switching rooms. You’re lucky Robbie’s a heavy sleeper.” Marvin watched Anti’s face flush and he stumbled over words more before puffing out his cheeks. 

“Maybe,” Anti muttered. 

“Did you need something?” Chase asked.

“I was gonna get me and Dark some more tea,” Anti said.

“Don’t let us stop you.” Chase chuckled and Anti stuck his tongue out at him.

“We tease cause we love you.” 

“Nyah.” Anti blew a raspberry as he went to the kettle. “Love you guys too.” He added in a softer voice. 

“Aw, he loves us.” Marvin giggled. 

“Don’t ruin the moment,” Anti whined and filled up the mugs. Chase and Marvin just laughed as Anti left. Google and Bing had the attention of the room and Anti sat down next to Dark after handing him his mug. Dark gave a quick smile of thanks.

“We believe it’s an address, but we’re still cracking the code,” Google said.  “They’re very good at keeping things cryptid.” 

“I think I’m starting to get it,” Bing said, one hand in the air as if typing on an invisible keyboard. He was laying sideways on the couch with his head in Google’s lap. “If we move the numbers like this and add two we-w-w-we-” Bing visibly glitched. 

“I thought only I could do that,” Anti said. 

“Bing, are you okay?” Google asked.

“I-I-can-can’t-” Bing glitched again and fell off of the couch. 

“Bing!” Google went down next to Bing. “Bing, Bing, say something!” Google tried to hold Bing still but he kept glitching and shaking and a harsh straining sound come from within him. 

“Vi-Vi-Viru-Virus.” Bing got out. 

“From what?” Google was panicking and preventing him from thinking in his usual rational way. 

“I’m going in.” Anti put down his tea. 

“Going in!? You just recovered! Anti!” Dark shouted as Anti became a collection of green pixels and flew into Bing. 

“No, no, no!” Mare held Blank but couldn’t anymore when Blank became pixels as well and followed Anti in. 

Anti could physically feel that something was fighting against Bing’s code as he swam through it. It was mostly orange with numbers and letters flowing in one direction. Anti saw little specks of black in the coding, telling him where the problems were and the deeper he went, the darker it got. Anti knew he should easily be able to find what was fighting Bing’s code, he just had to find the outlier. 

“Lookie here.” Anti found a difference in the code and it was the note the twins had written, it was Bing’s memory version of it. Anti kept a hold of it just in case the invading virus tried to mess with it. Anti tensed when he saw something in the distance. He knew that shape. “Blank?” Anti swam up to the figure. “Did you follow-”

“Anti!” Blank’s voice came from behind him and Anti watched as the fake Blank perk up and blew past him and towards the real Blank. 

“No!” Anti took off and tried to catch up to the fake Blank, knowing that was causing Bing’s glitching, that was the virus and he was going to stop it. Blank let out a shout and tried to swim away but the fake was much faster and caught him. Anti swam as fast as he could but he wasn’t fast enough. The fake and Blank were both gone and he went through nothing. “Shit, shit...shit!” Anti screamed when a wave of black hit him and shoved him away. 

Anti was forced out of Bing’s code and he landed harshly back on the living room floor, body aching from the sudden shift in forms. 

“Anti!” Dark went to Anti as Marvin and Chase swooped in. 

“What were you doing!? What were you thinking!?” Marvin scolded. 

“You are in no shape to be doing that!” Chase added.

“It’s...out.” Bing was panting and leaning against Google, unable to stay up on his own. 

“Where’s Blank!? Where is he!?” Mare demanded. Anti uncrumpled the sheet of coding and saw it was coated with ink and what wasn’t covered made the words

Lucky Shot

“Shit!” Anti cursed. “She got him!” 

“Don’t fuck with me! Where is he!?” Mare shouted and was about to go up to Anti, but Phantom caught his arm and kept him back. “Where is he!?” Mad had stiffened and was trembling a little as he tried to control his own emotions and deal with the others. 

“Do you need your inhaler?” Jackie asked in a whisper and Mad just nodded, knowing it was better to have it near just in case. Jackie went up to Mare and reached into his pocket, taking the inhaler and going back to Mad. Mare looked at Jackie and Mad with wide-eyes as Jackie used what he had seen Mare do to help calm Mad down. 

“We have to find him now.” Anti struggled to his feet, despite Dark, Chase, and Marvin’s protests. “Bing, you said you were almost done, right?” Anti held the sheet towards him. “Cna you get-”

“No!” Bing jerked himself away from Anti and Google had to make sure he didn’t fall over. “Get that away!” 

“It’s corrupted, there’s nothing he can do,” Google said, using his body to shield Bing. 

“Then you finish it,” Anti said.

“I can’t, I’ll risk my own coding and I can’t do that to Bing.” 

“We have to find him! These damn numbers are all we got!” 

“I can do it.” Everyone looked at Mad, who paused to use his inhaler. “If it’s a code, a puzzle of sorts, I think I can solve it.” 

“You better be fast at it,” Anti said with a sniff. 

——————————-

Tag List: @thesinginggal @ninazappy @takethepainawaybae @classy-birb @madallice329 @m0th-goo @always-in-a-fandom @such-a-dumbass @mirrored-calamity @thelonelycreature @grnpurplgrmln @shamelesscollectorpiratesstuff @antibeaneverybody @constantgaycrisis @nightwillow14

[1heartsickfics]

In It Together

“Andrew Johnson,”

Andrew stood up, still holding Zayn’s hand. He’d never liked going to the doctor, although he supposed no one probably did. But he was especially scared this time. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Zayn asked.

Andrew didn’t say anything, just nodded. 

“Yes you’re sure or yes you want me to come?” Zayn would’ve laughed a little at this normally but he could see the fear in Andrew’s eyes.

Andrew didn’t answer, but pulled Zayn out of the chair and started to walk towards the nurse who was looking around for him. Okay, option number two, Zayn thought to himself. 

“Hi Andrew, I’m Claire,” the nurse smiled, shaking Andrew’s hand. 

“I’m Zayn, his fiancee. He’s just a little nervous,” Zayn said, holding his hand out to shake hers as well. She nodded in understanding, giving them both a smile before leading them back down a hallway and into a room. 

Andrew gripped Zayn’s hand as they walked there, his knuckles white. Zayn frowned at him, even more worried now. No one likes going to the doctor obviously, but he didn’t know why Andrew would be this worried. Was there something Andrew hadn’t been telling him?

“Alright if you could sit up here Andrew, and then you can sit in either of those chairs,” Claire motioned towards the crinkly doctors office bed then nodded towards the chairs in the corner of the room. Zayn gave Andrew’s hand a reassuring squeeze before he let go, sitting down in the chair closest to Andrew. 

The nurse took Andrew’s temperature and blood pressure, then looked inside his mouth and his ears All the normal things. Vitals, Andrew had called them when he took his clinical class in the fall. 

“Alright, Dr. Keiley will be in to see you in a few minutes,” Claire said as she typed a few notes, then gave Andrew a reassuring smile before exiting the room.

“You alright?” Zayn asked, moving to stand beside Andrew. 

Andrew nodded, leaned his head against Zayn’s shoulder. 

“I don’t believe you. Talk to me Drew,” Zayn ran his fingers through Andrew’s messy hair. He usually had it all spiked up but today he was just letting it flop over his face. 

But before Andrew could answer there was a knock at the door. 

“Hi Andrew, I’m Dr. Keiley, and you must be the fiancee,” she shook Andrew’s hand then turned to look at Zayn.

“Yes ma’am, Zayn Kaissani,” he introduced himself, shaking her hand as well. Zayn gave Andrew’s shoulder a squeeze then sat back down in his chair, trying to calm his racing heart. Something weird was going on. 

“Alright Andrew, so it says that you’re here cause you’ve been having some skin sensitivity. Now your vitals look good, no fever, which can cause some sensitivity, but it doesn’t appear to be that. So how about you tell me what’s been going on?” Dr. Keiley asked, looking at the computer sitting on the desk she’d sat down at on one side of the office. 

“Um,” Andrew swallowed hard, “Well, normally it is when I get sick that it happens, but not always a fever. Like if my stomach hurts or something it happens then too. Or even just like if I have a cough or a sore throat or something,” he explained.

“Okay, so it comes after something else?” she asked. 

“Well, not after. Just at the same time as I guess,” Andrew shrugged.

“Can you try to explain what it feels like?” the doctor asked, making some notes on the computer.

Andrew thought for a moment, “I guess it’s kind of like when you have a sunburn, except not warm. But also kind of like pins and needles, like when your hand falls asleep or something.”

“And how severe is it?” she asked.

“It’s pretty bad. I can’t really stand clothes or sheets or anything and I have to just lay flat on my back pretty much without moving. And I can’t touch myself or let Zayn touch me,” his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He fidgeted in his seat, making Zayn wonder if it was bothering him right now. 

“Okay, and it only happens when you’re feeling ill?” she asked, not seeming to notice his discomfort. 

“Well,” Andrew sighed, “It used to be. But lately it’s been happening randomly,” he said. 

Zayn raised an eyebrow at him. Been happening? As in more than once? 

“Is there a certain time of day that it usually happens?” 

“At night I guess. But sometimes it happens other times too. After I eat a lot, cause my stomach kind of hurts. But it doesn’t usually get that bad unless I eat too much or feel sick or something,” he explained.

That was news to Zayn as well. 

“Okay, I’m going to ask you about some other symptoms and I want you to tell me if you’ve ever experienced them, either with the skin sensitivity or separately,” the doctor explained. “We’ll start with back or neck pain,” she continued.

“I mean yeah sometimes. At the same time but other times too,” he said. 

“Okay, what about fatigue or difficulty falling asleep,”

“I do get tired a lot, but I mean I think most people do,” Andrew shrugged. 

“He does have trouble falling asleep a lot,” Zayn interjected. Zayn was an insomniac, so he lay awake many nights feeling Andrew toss and turn as well. 

Andrew gave him a look, his eyes full of anxiety. Zayn smiled softly at him, telling him it was alright. They were gonna figure this out. That’s why there were here. 

“Okay, last ones. Muscle soreness or cramping or cold hands?” she asked. 

“Yeah my hands are cold all the time,” Andrew answered, “I don’t know about muscle cramps though. I mean I get sore from working out.”

“Alright, I want to do a blood test to rule out a couple other possibilities, but it sounds to me like you have fibromyalgia,” Dr. Keiley said. 

“Fiber-what?” Zayn asked, leaning forwards.

“Fibromyalgia,” Andrew answered, “it’s when a person’s brain amplifies signals of touch or other sensations and interprets them as pain,” he explained.

“Very good, you must be a medical student,” the doctor smiled.

“Uh premed, but I’m a CNA,” Andrew told her. 

“That’s awesome,” she nodded at him, “But yes, you are correct. It’s characterized by skin sensitivity, muscle or joint pain, difficulty sleeping, tiredness, and sometimes abdominal pain,” she explained.

“What can you do about it?” Zayn asked.

“Well, once we rule out some other things just in case, then I can do a full workup for a formal diagnosis. There isn’t a way to cure it or treat it so to speak, but the symptoms can be minimized by some lifestyle changes and there are some medications we can try,” she told them.

Andrew nodded, his face pale, eyes glassy with tears. Zayn stood up and put his arm around his fiancee, rubbing circles into Andrew’s shoulder with his thumb. He was obviously not reassured by the diagnosis.

“I’ll send someone in to get your bloodwork and then you boys can be on your way,” the doctor told them, standing up and opening the door.

“Thanks,” Zayn said before she shut the door. “Hey, you’re alright, this is good isn’t it? We know now?” he turned his attention to Andrew. 

“B-but, this is a c-chronic disease,” Andrew cried, tears spilling down his cheeks.

“Oh honey,” Zayn reached over to wipe the tears off his cheeks with his sleeve, “It’ll be okay, we’ll take care of it,” he said softly. He wanted to be upset with Andrew, for not telling him how bad it was and that it had gotten even worse, but now was obviously not the time, so he pushed those feelings away. 

“You don’t under-understand,” his breath hitched as he tried to stop crying, “You can’t fix it. I’ll have it forever and it’ll j-just get w-worse,” he let out another sob.

“Shh, you’re okay Drew. I know it’s scary, I’m sorry,” Zayn wrapped Andrew up in his arms, letting him cry into his chest. Andrew was right, he had no idea what this thing meant really, he couldn’t even pronounce it. He did know one thing though, they were in this together. 

[seokjinchuriki]

My Story?

Hi!

So, this is new? Not really. Maybe not for the people who’ve been following me for a while, but to the new people following me! Hello, I’m Linh! I’ve been very inactive, BUT in that inactivity, I’ve been getting my life together and now I have a story to tell that I feel is important. Trigger warning by the way: mentions of suicide and other things people might find triggering. The rest will be under the cut.

Hello again! If you’re here. I’m Linh (or Kayla). I’m 17 years old. A senior in high school... and for the longest time, I wanted to die. It started at 11 years old when I was finally exposed to what felt like reality. When every day is a reality. At 11 years old, I could finally name all the bad thoughts in my brain. I could finally put a label on what I felt... and I finally found a way to cope with it. Harming myself. 

I thought there was no other way to feel better. My small world was ending. I felt like it could never get better, but reaching the beginning of February, a day after Lunar New Year. I was caught. My aunt had told my mom and my mom had told my dad... who wasn’t, at the moment, very aware of this stuff. In Vietnam, mental health is and is still very taboo.  So he yelled at me, and that yelling... scared me. It made me realize what I had done. 

I stopped. I stopped harming myself but the pain of being alive never really went away. Over the summer, I managed to find a distraction... playing Minecraft with a bunch of friends who meant the absolute world to me. I trusted in them and I changed myself to meet their standards of what they called a friend. I was different.

I wasn’t me... but I was numbed. That was all I cared about.

Until they left. They all left, which was, what I felt at the time, the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I couldn’t blame them though, who would want a suicidal friend? I began hanging out with the wrong crowd. People who would bully me, belittle me, yet I still put them on a throne. I was thrown around a lot, I was miserable. 

Three days before my 13th birthday, I made an attempt to commit suicide. I was finally ready to go, but luckily for me, someone told my mom and my mom was there to help me. Which sounds a bit dramatic, but everything about this feels dramatic to me. I was checked into a behavioral hospital where I got a small amount of treatment... and for the summer that came ten days later, I was okay.

I felt okay.

The beginning of eighth grade, I made a new friend. We’re going to call her A. She was the best friend ever. I told her everything, she came over to dinner, my parents loved her and her parents loved me. Eighth grade was when I got my first “boyfriend”, we’ll call him J.

A and J, at the time, were my lifelines. I trusted them with my life and they held me up, but I realize now that I was too dependent on them, especially when everything went to literal shit. For months behind my back, A and J were seeing each other... lying to me when I asked and leaving me out. Finally, J broke up with me and A denied everything, and I only had one thing I could do: forgive her. I blamed myself for not being enough and I was young too. 

You’re probably thinking ‘wow! She let a silly little boy take over her life’ and now, I think the same, but four years ago, this was everything. So, we continued to be friends. A had told me that she and J stopped talking, being gullible me... I believed her. 

So nearing March of that year, it had become known that A was moving to a different city and she needed a place to live to finish out the rest of middle school, so, I had offered for her to stay at my house. It took time to convince my parents since my dad was skeptical of people because of my situation, but he got into it. Let’s just say I should’ve listened to my parents. 

On a fateful night, I woke up in the middle of the night... A’s hands were down my pants and she was biting my neck. So I had to force myself to sleep, to do anything. The next morning, I woke up seeing hickeys on my neck in the mirror and when I confronted A about it, she had told me that if I tell anyone about what happened, she would ruin my life. 

So I kept quiet.

Until I fell asleep on the couch days later and my parents found them... the tiny bruises on my neck and I had no other choice but tell the truth.

And A... A wasn’t lying. A told the whole school rumors about me

‘She’s pregnant’ ‘She’s a whore’ ‘She made me do all those things to her’

I lost almost everyone I cared about. Going into high school, I barely had any friends and no dignity left to my name. The only people who still talked to me were the three little sixth graders I taught in the beginning orchestra and a few people who knew I was still good deep down, that I wasn't a liar. I’ve made amends with most by now. Finally kept myself in a good place.

My freshman year was honestly a blur, I was happy for a good period of time. Content with my fresh start... and then comes sophomore year, the year where I began roleplaying bts (yup, ya heard it folks)... and to be honest, I loved it. In the beginning, I remember doing it just to kill time and meet new people... but I got TOO involved. I remember it all VERY VERY VERY vividly. I met so many people who I considered close friends, and then like the story keeps going, they left and I didn’t know how to cope. I use to get panic attacks during school. Someone wrote a painful letter to me explaining why they hate me in detail because of some stuff I did and I take responsibility for (i.e my passive aggressiveness, my relationships), but also because I left a group chat for my wellbeing, my mental health, which I believed I didn’t owe anyone an explanation for because I was at my most vulnerable, they barely knew me. 

So many, SO MANY people hate me because of what other people have said about me and it’s the new year, I’m in a better place, I’m over it now but every time I think about these moments, I shock myself because I spent two years of what were supposed to be the best years of my life caring about what other people thought of me. When the only person whose opinion really mattered was mine. My junior year SUCKED, and that’s the truth, but I got help. I started my first day of therapy in March 2018 and have been going and getting the help I needed since.

But, I wrote all of this, not to tell a sob story, but to tell you that you can make it. Yeah... YOU. The person reading this. Right now, I’m planning my graduation and 18th birthday party. I’ve gotten accepted into my top choice university. I have friends I KNOW I can trust, people who have told me things because they know they can trust me and I tell them things because as I’ve said I trust them. I am in a very loving AND healthy relationship with a boy who treats me like a queen and whom I treat like a king. I have all A’s. I am in the national honor society. I woke as a CNA at a hospital. I have a baby sister on the way.

I am alive. I am thriving. And so will you. Every bad moment will find its place in your life, trust me. What you feel now isn’t what you’ll be feeling in years to come. You got this... and I got you. My DMs and ask box is ALWAYS open, I won’t always be able to reply, but I will always listen. You can vent. You can just talk to me.

YOU GOT THIS. Stay alive for you because you will find your peace. You will see the sun over the horizon. You will make it out of whatever mess you’re in. Trust me.

I am always here if needed. Thank you for reading and I hope you found some inspiration in whatever I just wrote here. Leave me an ask, if you want!

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

[cafcainc]

Chloe's Petals for Hope, Pt. 2 - March 16th, 2021

Chloe’s Petals for Hope is a foundation to bring awareness to and normalize Mental Health issues. The foundation was started by Susan and Kent Rogers with daughters Courtney and Teagan along with support of family and friends after their daughter Chloe’ died by Suicide on June 16, 2020. Chloe was fun-loving and enjoyed life, however, she struggled with Mental Health issues including anxiety and depression.

This is our story:


Chloe was diagnosed with ADHD in the First grade. She began taking Adderall which managed her ADHD til her Freshman year in high school. She then wanted to stop taking her medication because she was very skinny and she said kids were making fun of her. We agreed she could stop taking the medication as long as her grades did not go down. She did well during high school and did not take ADHD meds again. She was concerned when she began college but again chose to not to take the meds. She struggled some with grades but worked really hard and was able to manage.

Then the end of Freshman year in college came and so began her real struggles. In January, she totaled her car in the dorm parking lot. She was so upset and distraught with herself. She then began serious negative self talk. She began a 3rd shift job at a nursing home and complained of being so tired, etc. When we talked about it, I told her it was probably her messed up sleep pattern working 3rd shift. Then she began having flu-like symptoms so went to the infirmary where she was diagnosed with Mononucleosis. It was hard for her to bounce back from these things happening within a short period of time.

She eventually began feeling better physically, but became so overburdened emotionally. She was constantly worried about student loans, money, grades, etc. She also felt like everyone wanted her to be a nurse because she enjoyed being a CNA and was really good with her patients. She did not want to be a nurse but was trying because she THOUGHT this is what others expected. In reality everyone else just wanted her to do what made her happy and she would enjoy doing everyday of her life. She finally realized that she was pursuing something she had no desire to continue with so she changed her major to Communications and Marketing.

She hid her worries and anxieties from most people. Only those who lived with her or spent days at a time with her truly knew her struggles. She wanted to be and do everything she thought was expected of her and do it while looking like she had it all together.

Her sophomore year of college was less hectic but she struggled with friendships, working and keeping her grades up. Her Junior year she transferred to UK and lived in Lexington. This year was easier but with its own challenges of a new school and becoming adapted to that environment. Then she transferred back to EKU and moved in with her cousin and stayed between there and home. She was working in Lexington at the time in retail and enjoyed this job and working with girls her age and a few older girls who became her “work moms”. In December of what was her 4th year, she moved home and commuted until she graduated as a 5th year Senior in May 2020. During this time she totaled another car on her way to school. When Kent got to the scene the officer told him she was pretty upset- Kent found her in a fetal position. She once again was so down on herself and didn’t know why she had to be so stupid. We repeatedly told her cars can be replaced, she can’t so it really was no big deal in the grand scheme of things. She was so worried about finding another car even though we were able to work out her using a family member's truck til she found something. It was just another stressor that she added to her list of faults.

In September 2019, her anxieties and depression were at an all time high and she was constantly moody and would say things like she didn’t want to be here and that she wanted to go HOME. She would say that she was a failure and that she wasn’t good enough for others. She didn’t feel like we loved her as much as we loved her sisters. She felt so inadequate. We tried talking with her and showing her ways that she was loved. We began asking her to please see a counselor. She had gone to the doctor for anxiety meds during the summer but did not like the way they made her feel so she stopped taking them. I kept pushing her to go to another doctor to try a different medication telling her medications work differently for different people. She agreed to try a different doctor, however this one was worse than before because the nurse practitioner told Chloe that all these things she was feeling were normal for young adults finding their way in the world. Chloe did not feel heard or taken seriously and refused to go anywhere else.

Then in October 2019, she came into our bedroom with Kent’s gun that she had taken at some point. We didn’t even know she knew where it was and had no idea she had gotten it. I believe she had tried to figure out how to load and shoot it but thankfully could not figure it out. That night we called the Sheriff’s office to come and talk with her. When they arrived Chloe was so mad at us for calling them, she had gotten a belt and wrapped around her neck yelling that we were trying to embarrass her. We tried calming her down and wanted her to understand how much we love her and want her to realize that getting help is okay. Thankfully, the officers on duty were very kind to her and one said that his daughter struggled also and saw a counselor. He even told Chloe that she may have to go through a few til she found one she liked.

After this, I tried to schedule counseling appointments with her because she wanted us to go together. However, when your child is an adult it is hard to schedule appointments for them. Chloe did schedule appointments with a counselor in Richmond and went several times. She also made an appointment with another nurse practitioner and began taking a new medication that she seemed to be okay with. This nurse practitioner told her they would keep trying til they found something that worked for her. She had also referred her to a specialist to check out her thyroid. Chloe did follow up on this and found that one of her numbers were low but not really what would cause her heightened anxiety. She had completed suicide before her follow up appointment.

I also made several appointments for us to go together for counseling but by the time the appointment date the crisis was over and she didn’t want to go. When she began to consider counseling her sophomore year of college she found many times she had to wait months and then she didn’t feel she needed it anymore. I feel like this is common for many with Mental Health issues, they make appointments when a crisis occurs but the wait time is weeks to months and by the time it comes around they don’t feel it is necessary anymore.

Then there was COVID-19! Her school shut down in person classes. Her work became more intense. Our spring break vacation got cancelled. Her birthday plans were cancelled. Her college graduation was cancelled. So many things she was excited about did not happen. Of course, we did celebrate her birthday with the usual homemade and decorated cake we made together since she was 3. We cooked her requested meal and played games. Then EKU decided to do an online graduation video to play on Graduation day. We celebrated at home with breakfast and champagne and tried to make it a big deal even though it was not what she had dreamed! So she did get some celebratory moments of these big achievements in life.

I thought she was happy and not struggling with everyday anxiety because we were home together and spending everyday she was off together watching tv, going through childhood memories in totes and closets as we cleaned out. I knew she still had school stress and was wanting to get her work done so she could be finished with this phase of life. She even won an award in the Communication Department for her last project.

Then June 16 came and she woke up in an ok mood I thought because we had been texting about her graduation party before she got out of bed and came downstairs. She was wanting to go to Simpsonville to the outlet mall and that was our plan for the day. Then she got upset about not having a pair of shorts and our day and lives changed forever.

She was excited to be graduating because she was planning to do an internship with the nursing home in which she was employed and working her way up in administration. She had a boyfriend and friends she loved spending time with as well as her family. She had places she wanted to visit and things she wanted to learn. She HAD PLANS!!!

In an instant she took away all those plans and dreams because she just couldn’t deal with the inner turmoil any longer. She made a decision to end her suffering but this decision left those that knew and loved her heartbroken and shattered.

Chloe’s Petals for Hope wants those suffering with Mental Health issues to realize you are not the only one. So many people need counselors and medication to cope and make it in this world of pressure and daily change. Please talk to someone, if not a professional remember Your friends and family love you and are willing to listen! Sometimes it is harder to talk with those closest to us so find a co-worker, an acquaintance, someone at church to talk with -- remember they will have a different perspective!!!

Most of all Remember this world will NEVER be the same WITHOUT YOU!

Susan Rogers, President for Chloe’s Petals for Hope Foundation

[zoemurph]

to have a friend, chapter two: $40

on ao3 1

here we are again. hope everyone had a good october, mine was....something. sorry if the writing style/tone changes a bit throughout, i basically wrote this in two sittings, just two sittings with a month between them

warning: discussions of mental health, mentions of suicide/suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, let me know if other warnings need to be added

enjoy!

Connor is starting to run out of places in town where he can be alone without someone in his family finding him. Zoe is a little too perceptive and his mother has eyes everywhere. It’s kind of creepy and Connor’s sick of it.

Still, they’ve yet to find him at the old elementary school playground so far. Maybe it’s because the playground is hidden behind the school and is surrounded on two sides by tall trees. Or just because it’s in the rundown part of town, abandoned until the town can think of something better to do with a building almost as old as the town itself.

Connor is pretty sure people have broken into the school before. There are definitely serious drug deals that take place under the biggest tree on the edge of the fields. But mostly it’s just empty.

Connor’s been here before to smoke. Yeah, he’s been the creepy teenager smoking on the swingset at three in the morning before. Who the fuck cares, no one comes by here to get him in trouble. But more often then not, he just comes here to think.

He sits on a swing and holds onto the rusting chains and just stares at his knees and thinks. Or dissociates. Or both. He can’t tell anymore.

It’s been a fucking day. He definitely hadn’t planned getting yelled at by Evan Hansen into his schedule.

For one, he didn’t think Evan had it in him. For another… Connor doesn’t actually know what he’d been expecting when he sat down in the computer lab instead of going to last period. Maybe that one thing in his life would be easy. He could apologize to Evan or something and they could maybe slowly make it seem like they were drifting apart or something.

Connor doesn’t know how friends work. It’s been years since he had a real one.

And Evan isn’t even a real one.

He walks the swing in circles, twisting the chains together until he can’t twist anymore, then lifts his feet from the ground. He lets his toes drag along the ground as he spins in slow circles, the chains groaning as they untwist.

He can still hear Evan’s voice in his mind, shouting at him.

I just jumped out of a fucking tree!

He tried to backtrack so quickly. Take back the truth he’d released to the world. But Connor saw it. There had been a moment of clarity.

That was Evan Hansen.

That singular moment of honesty says more about Evan Hansen more than he will ever say about himself. He’s awkward, anxious to a fault, and suicidal. He looks at the world and he doesn’t see a future. He sees in grays and muddled tones and doesn’t see something worth fighting for.

Or maybe that’s just Connor projecting.

The swing dips a little as it stops untwisting, moving back and forth with the remaining momentum. Sometimes, sitting on these swings, he feels like a little kid. Mostly he just feels out of place.

But it’s better than home. Home, where he has no bedroom door. Home, where his mom is desperate for him to get better but doesn’t know how to help. Home, where his father doesn’t want to face the facts or him. Home, where his sister has given up.

Home, which is a building and not much more.

Connor closes his eyes and rests his head against the old chain. Childhood doesn’t feel real anymore. It’s hard to believe he was a little kid. That he was happy. That he constantly didn’t feel like shit.

His entire life has been overshadowed and stained by his present. He wishes he’d been able to wipe it out— that he’d been able to wipe him out.

His phone buzzes in his pocket. Only twice. A text.

His other only calls. She leaves frantic voicemails and voicemails with forced cheer. Nothing else.

No one else contacts him.

Connor sighs and opens his eyes. The sky is starting to get dark already. As it gets closer to winter, night comes faster and god he can’t wait for the darkness to just swallow him whole.

Dramatic depressing stuff like that.

His phone buzzes in his pocket again. He leans away from the chain to pull his phone from his pocket. He squints at the overly bright screen as his eyes adjust.

From: (522) 114-8119 To: Connor      Im s o soryr I shoulnd t have  yelled a t you or said thos e things      And IM s orry that I ran out and tha t happend a dn

Connor stares at the screen. A few moments later, he gets another text.

From: (522) 114-8119 To: Connor      Cna  we talk tomorro w      After sc hool computer lba      IMs or y I can ttype righ tnow

Connor hesitates, fingers hovering over the screen. Part of him forgot he gave Evan his number. Part of him thought Evan would never try to contact him ever again.

From: Connor To: (522) 144-8119      its fine      and ok      ill see you there

—«·»—

Connor slams the front door to announce that he’s home. He doesn’t bother actually using his voice, he’s tired and ready to just lay in bed and stop existing for a while.

“Don’t slam the door,” his father says from where he’s sitting on the couch, reading a newspaper.

Connor rolls his eyes. There are only so many doors he can slam in this house nowadays. He’s going to take advantage of what he can get.

His mom leans out from the kitchen, a smile plastered onto her face. She looks tired, even though she’s trying not to. Connor knows better. As the cause of most of her stress and frustration, he absolutely knows better. “How was your first day back, sweetie?” she asks. And she’s trying to be so excited for him.

Cynthia Murphy is attempting to hold her household together with pure faked optimism alone. She is the only positive force in the family, but it’s wrong and plastic.

Connor shrugs and makes his way toward the stairs.

“Answer your mother,” Larry says. Sort of mutters, sort of uninterested sounding, sort of irritating.

Connor stops on the bottom stair with his hand on the railing and turns to look at his mom. “It was whatever.”

“Is that all?” She twists a dishrag in her hands.

He sighs. She probably deserves more than that. “It was boring. Missed a lot. I’ve got homework. Probably going to fail out of math. Lunch is still shit—”

“Language,” Larry mutters.

“And the guidance counselor only talked to me for seventeen minutes this time.” Connor glances to his mom. “So yeah. It was okay.”

Cynthia smiles again, a little less forced. “I’m glad. I’ll call you for dinner, see what you can get done, okay?”

Connor nods.

He’d rather not deal with dinner.

—«·»—

“How’s Evan?” is this first question Cynthia asks when Connor sits down for dinner and puts half a spoonful of tonight’s vegetable of the day on his plate.

“He’s fine,” Connor mutters. He needs to end this conversation as fast as humanly possible.

“That’s wonderful, he seems like a nice boy.”

Larry hums in agreement and Connor tries not to grimace. Zoe just looks bored.

“He’s…cool.” Maybe vague compliments will work until his mom gets tired of this line of questioning.

“You’ve never told us about Evan,” she muses. “You aren’t even friends on Facebook!”

Connor’s brain goes into panic mode because oh shit. Of course Cynthia checked Facebook, that’s possibly one of the most predictable things she’s ever done. Which— fuck, Connor definitely should’ve seen this coming.

“People don’t use Facebook anymore, Mom,” Zoe says flatly, staring down at her plate.

Connor glances at her and then does a double take, gesturing to her. “That.”

Cynthia purses her lips. “I still use it.”

Zoe flicks her gaze to Connor before looking back to their mom. “You know what I mean.”

“I can ask him if he has one if you want me to,” Connor says, because if this conversation doesn’t end he’s going to come up with some sort of escape plan and he does not have a good track record with those.

Cynthia smiles and, god, does Connor feel guilty. This better be worth it in the long run.

Connor goes to school like he doesn’t have to drag himself out of bed and force himself into the car. He pretends he doesn’t hate Zoe’s music choices or notice that she stops more suddenly than she has to. He just grits his teeth and focuses on the cookie cutter houses they’re passing.

He hates the suburbs.

“I have rehearsal today,” Zoe says when she parks the car. “Figure out how to get home or wait.”

Connor rolls his eyes and slams the door harder than he knows he has to. “I’ll walk,” he grumbles.

The thing about high school is that it’s boringly and horribly constant. It’s also just fucking awful, but it’s mind numbing and dull. Even if Connor actually tried, and he can’t exactly remember the last time he did, he would not be having a good time.

He’s pretty sure the only people who have a good time in high school are the people whose lives will only go downhill from here and the people who are fucking lying to themselves.

The bells are piercing and make him grimace and the awful rotating yet standard schedule is one of the worst things to ever happen to him. He hates seeing the same people in the same space every single day. He can hear Alana Beck talking his ear off about the factory system and how the American education system creates people who follows rules more than anything else as she conformed to the system and followed all the rules back when they were sophomores in a boring, standard english class that left Connor feeling tired and bored.

He stalks down the hallway, glaring whenever anyone gets too close. One of the few perks of being known as the kid who may actually try to kill someone. People leave him the fuck alone.

The last time he really did homework was the end of sophomore year. All he has to do is not fail. And that doesn’t require doing homework.

If Connor tried, he could probably be a half decent student. But Zoe tries hard enough for the both of them and he would rather just get high.

At this point, his biggest problem in school is staying conscious through the whole thing.

He spends lunch in the library, hiding in a back corner where no one ever goes and pulls a random book off the shelves and reads about someone he’s never heard of until the bell rings and he forces himself to go back to a class that makes his eyes glaze over as people discuss readings that he absolutely did not do.

Connor finds himself getting almost anxious as the end of the day nears. He’s not sure why, sure Evan wants to talk, but it can’t be that bad. Evan holds the cards at the moment, but they’re both in this mess together. The worst Connor can think of is Evan bringing Kleinman and Kleinman being…himself.

Connor stalls in his last class for a few minutes while everyone clears out. His teacher ignores him to talk to a student that actually tries and once the hallways have cleared a bit, Connor gets up and takes the long way to the computer lab.

The long way is away from the school entrance, meaning the hallways are almost empty aside from a few laggers. No one wants to spend any more time in this hellhole than necessary. With it’s annoying posters and rows and rows of never ending lockers that no one ever uses. They’re pointless, just there for show and storing things kids aren’t supposed to have on school grounds.

When Connor pushes open the door to the computer lab, Evan Hansen is awkwardly standing in the middle of the room, gripping the straps of his backpack in his hands.

Connor raises his eyebrows at him. “Hey.”

Evan takes a shaky breath. “H-hi.”

“So.” Connor drops his back on the floor and kicks it closer to one of the tables. “You wanted to talk.”

“I-I wanted to apologize,” Evan says quickly, “for yesterday because I didn’t mean to— I shouldn’t have assumed or, like, implied that you were, I mean, that you wanted to—” He shakes his head. “That you were. Using me? That was— I was…confused by— confused because of, of the timing but that doesn’t mean it was…okay.”

Connor crosses his arms. “Yeah, well, if I kill myself it’s not going to be fucking performance art.”

Evan winces.

“If my family is going to mourn something they’re going to mourn actual me, not the me some stranger makes up because my mom thinks we’re buddies or something even though we aren’t even friends on Facebook.”

Evan frowns. “F-facebook?”

Connor waves a hand. “Never mind. The point is, I was using you. Just not…like that. I am using you. Currently. Present tense. If…you’re still in?” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out another twenty dollar bill. He holds it out to Evan.

Evan stares at it. “Y-you still want to…to do this?”

“I have three choices,” Connor says. “One: we keep doing this and then slowly break it off. Two: we fake a big fight and never speak to each other ever again. Or three: I tell my parents it was a lie. Haven’t thought that one through yet.”

Evan chews on his bottom lip. “Okay.”

Connor raises an eyebrow. “You’re in?”

Evan nods.

“Good.” He walks over to Evan and shoves the money into his hand. He yanks his hand away and shoves it in his pocket before Evan can tell it’s shaking.

“W-why—?”

“It’s been a week,” Connor explains. “There’s your twenty. We agreed to that.”

Evan stares at the bill in the palm of his hand. “Um…right. Right. Do we,” he glances up at Connor, “are there…other rules? Or like? A plan or are we just…?”

“Winging it?” Connor suggests.

Evan makes a face. “Let’s— can we not do that? That sounds like a bad idea.”

“Okay fine. Rule number one, we don’t tell anyone else about this.” Connor gestures between the two of them. “If no one else knows, it’s easier to keep it a secret.”

Evan grimaces. “J-Jared will know.”

“What?”

“He— Jared can always tell when I’m lying, he’s-he’s really good at it. It’s…kind of scary, actually.”

Connor scowls. “Seriously? Are you that bad a liar?”

Evan shakes his head quickly. “We’ve just known each other— it’s been so long he can just…tell.”

Connor sighs. “Okay then. Can we trust Jared?”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“We’re fucked.”

“I-I think…” Evan trails off.

“You think what?” Connor prompts.

Evan takes a breath. “I think…if we tell him an-and explain everything, we have a better chance of him keeping it a secret. Because then he— he’s included in it or something? Since he’ll figure it out anyway it might just be best to…to tell him right away.”

If someone has to know, Connor would not have chosen Jared Kleinman to be that person. But if he has to do it…

“Whatever,” Connor decides. “We swear him to secrecy and threaten to hurt him if he tells anyone.”

Evan tugs on his shirt. “Um…yeah th-that— okay.”

Connor rolls his eyes. “I won’t actually hurt him.”

“I knew that,” Evan mutters.

“We can come up with other rules on the fly,” Connor offers.

Evan opens his mouth and then closes it quickly.

“What?”

“I…” He shakes his head. “It’s nothing.”

Connor groans. “It’s not nothing! Just tell me!”

“I don’t know anything about you!” Evan bursts out. “H-how do we—? We’re supposed to be best friends? How long have we been friends? What do we do when we hang out? What if people ask us questions?!”

Those are good points that Connor hadn’t considered because he’s been doing this on impulse. Obviously, Evan has thought this through a bit more. Connor runs a hand through his hair. “Are you free right now?”

“N-not right now,” Evan stutters. “Later tonight?”

“You still have my phone number?” Connor asks instead.

Evan nods.

“Text me when you’re free, we can figure stuff out then.” Connor moves to leave. “If…you’re cool with that?”

“Fine!” Evan says quickly.

Connor eyes him before shrugging and turning away. “Okay. I’ll see you later then.”

“Yeah…s-see you”

—«·»—

Connor walks home from school, because Zoe is at rehearsal for another hour and he’s a.) not hanging around school for that long and b.) not spending more time in the car with her than necessary. It takes a while and his mom is still somehow worried about him crossing a highway, but he doesn’t care. The walk is strangely nice. Kind of calming and gives him some time to think. Mostly about Evan Hansen.

Knowing his mother, they’re going to need a hell of a backstory. She likes to dig until she hits rock bottom. And then she pulls out a pick ax and starts swinging.

“I’m home!” he shouts as he throws open the front door. He closes it and waits for the usual “how was school, honey?” to come from the kitchen before he starts making his way up the stairs.

“It was fine,” he answers. “Doing homework.”

Connor didn’t think either of them believed that, but whatever. He threw his bag onto the floor and kicked off his shoes before flopping onto the bed.

Now he just has to wait for Evan.

—«·»—

Connor wakes up with a jerk when his phone starts buzzing repeatedly. He rolls onto his back and pulls his phone out of his pocket, squinting at the screen as his heart tries to calm down.

From: (522) 114-8119 To: Connor      Im hom e      Sorry if htis is a bad item for you

Connor changes the contact name from the number to Evan’s name before he responds.

From: Connor To: Evan      its fine im not doing anything      can i come over yours?

Connor glances around his room, eyes settling on the doorframe. They definitely can’t do this here. He hopes Evan is cool with them sitting in an abandoned playground if all else fails.

From: Evan To: Connor      Thats fine!!!      You need my address don t you that would probably be helplfu

He keeps laying in bed until Evan’s sent the address and Connor has found it on Google Maps. He can walk, it’s not too bad.

The world spins a little bit when he stands up from his bed, swaying and darkening as the blood rushes from his head.

Connor stumbles out of his room and down the stairs, figuring he probably doesn’t need to bring anything with him to Evan’s. All they’re going to do is talk.

He glances at the time. Hopefully his mom doesn’t care if he skips dinner tonight.

Connor takes a pit stop in the kitchen and steals an apple from the bowl on the island on his way to the front door.

“Dinner is soon,” Zoe says pointedly from where she’s leaning against the counters.

Connor ignores her. “I’m going over Evan’s,” he says to Cynthia.

She looks up from the frying pan in surprise. “You are?”

He shrugs and takes a bite of the apple. “Yeah we’re going to…” he should’ve thought of an excuse earlier, “play a video game. Or something.”

Cynthia claps her hands together. “That’s great! Have fun and let me know when you get there and when you’re on your way back, okay?” She presses a kiss to Connor’s cheek. “And make sure you eat!”

“I will,” Connor mumbles.

“You don’t even know him,” Zoe mutters.

Fuck. He should’ve known Zoe backing him up last night was an outlier. Connor glares at her and flips her off.

“Zoe, be nice,” Cynthia says firmly. “Text me when you get there, Connor.”

He nods and leaves before Zoe can make any more commentary. He can only hope she doesn’t press it while he isn’t there.

Connor eats his apple as he follows the directions on his phone. Evan’s house isn’t too far, but it’s already starting to get darker and this town is shit, so the streets aren’t exactly well lit.

He stands on a street corner and watches a truck go by with complete disregard for a stop sign before he crosses the street and turns onto Evan’s road.

Connor pauses outside the house that matches the number and description Evan gave. He sends a quick text as he walks up the walkway to the front door.

From: Connor To: Evan      outside what i think is your house      gonna knock

Connor knocks once before the door swings open. He blinks in surprise as Evan stares at him.

Connor clears his throat. “Hey…can I come in?”

Evan steps out of the way. “Y-yeah of course you can— just. Yeah, take off your shoes here that’s… You can do that.”

Connor steps inside and takes off his boots as Evan closes and locks the door. “Parents home?” he asks.

Evan shakes his head. “No my mom’s— she’s working late tonight. Long night.”

“Dad?” Connor asks absentmindedly as he drops his boots by Evan’s shoes.

He looks up when Evan doesn’t answer.

Evan is staring at the floor with his eyebrows furrowed, picking at his cast.

“Oh shit, I didn’t mean—”

“I-it’s fine,” Evan interrupts. “He’s not here. It’s just— just me and my mom.” Evan gestures down the hallway. “Let’s just— follow me.”

He leads Connor into a kitchen, smaller and older than the one in the Murphy household. There’s a twenty dollar bill sitting on the table and a pile of dirty dishes in the sink.

“I-I don’t have any—” Evan shakes his head. “I have money to order pizza if…you want.”

“Maybe in a bit.” Connor leans against the counter. “I uh…never apologized for taking that letter, did I?”

Evan laughs awkwardly. “N-not real— I mean it’s fine! It’s fine it’s, it’s not a big deal it’s just…”

“What?” Connor asks slowly. “What was it?”

Evan takes a deep breath and tugs on the hem of his shirt. “I-it was an assignment for— for therapy.”   

Connor raises his eyebrows. “You go to therapy?”

“Yeah? I, um, I have… severe anxiety?” Evan gestures to himself. “And depression but that’s kind of— to a lesser extent usually? But yeah. It’s um…the letter— it’s supposed to make me more positive about my day? Uh, dear Evan Hansen, today’s going t-to be a good day and here’s why…” He trails off and glances to the sink.

Connor hesitates before he says his next thought. “My parents… They thought it was a my suicide note.”  

Evan closes his eyes tightly and opens them. “Uh yeah well, I-I mean it’s…it’s supposed to be a positive thing but it’s— it’s almost never a good day? In fact it’s usually a very bad day and the first day of school was a— it wasn’t…There wasn’t much positive in it. And Zoe, I— The letter was— It wasn’t meant for you it was for this assignment. And Zoe is— after you, you know.” Evan gestures to Connor and Connor tries not to grimace.

“Zoe saw me and-and she talked to me and she’s— Ihavethisreallysillycrushonher which is silly because I don’t even know her! The letter says I don’t even know her cause I don’t, she’s just— she’s a girl who’s pretty and nice and she smiles a lot and she doesn’t seem bothered by anything.” Connor raises his eyebrows. “She seems to have herself figured out and that’s— she’s just a girl I see sometimes and I guess that’s—”

Evan ducks his head. “She saw me and she helped me up. That doesn’t happen. Not— not to me.”

Connor looks away. There are a lot of things to process in that and his mind doesn’t want to process any of them. His eyes land on the money on the table.

“What kind of pizza do you like?” Connor asks.

“W-what?”

Connor steps forward and picks up the bill. “Pizza,” he repeats. “What do you want? I’ll make the call.”

Evan blinks a few times. “Uh…cheese is fine?”

“Cool.” He pulls out his phone. “Let’s see how much food we can get for twenty bucks.”

Evan gives him a weak smile. “O-okay.”

Connor paces around the kitchen as he places the order at the pizza place. There are places in town where you can order online, but their sauce isn’t as good and their breadsticks are shitty. Once he’s hung up, he sits down at the table and gestures for Evan to do the same.

“You wanted to figure things out, right?” Connor asks, tapping his fingers on the table.

Evan nods.

“Let’s do this then.”

[flamingfandomtrashcentral]

Hi again, for The Bayverse Decepticons reacting to discovering they have a teenage human daughter with their deceased human s/o, could you add Soundwave please and add the TFP please? Thank you 😊

I’m just gonna assume you meant the Decepticons from TFP, feel free to correct me if i’m wrong lol

Bayverse Soundwave

- Being in orbit makes it difficult for him to keep up with his s/o, especially since he is perpetually busy with spying on varying governments. During a slow moment his curiosity gets the better of him and he decides to check in on them and see where they are now. Imagine his shock when he finds news of their death and that there was a baby too… His baby.

- Any mission he was in the middle of has been brought to a full stop because he needs to find them i m m e d i a t e l y. As if he didn’t already feel intense guilt over what happened to Frenzy, Ravage, and Lazerbeak, now he finds out he has a child he didn’t even know about and has no idea where they are. Being the surveillance officer that he is, it doesn’t take long for him to track you down. He taps into phones, webcams, anything he can do see how you’re doing.

- He has very mixed emotions about seeing how well you’re doing. Of course he’s relieved to see that you’re happy and being taken care of, but he wishes it was him making you so happy. He knows that there’s nothing he can do for now, but the second Megatron gives him a mission on Earth he’s going to retrieve his daughter and nothing will stop him.

TFP Megatron

- He is in complete denial about everything. He never got close to a human, he never had a relationship with them, and he definitely never had a human s/o, that’d be ridiculous. He recalls hearing something about the s/o dying and saw it as all the more reason to forget about them, so he did. Years later he finds himself bored and looks up his-totally-not-s/o, he never did read the article. He just saw the title and moved on. After he reads the whole thing he’s in shock. 

- The baby was noted as having some bizarre medical anomalies but was released from the hospital since they didn’t appear to be hurting them. He looks into the symptoms and sees that all of them can be explained by the presence of CNA. After some debating with himself he gets Soundwave to figure out if it’s at all possible it’s not his. It takes a while but he is able to get ahold of some of her DNA to compare it with Megatron’s CNA and finds the similarities.

- Megatron wants nothing to do with his daughter and has no intention of visiting her, but Soundwave still shows him the address just in case he ever wants to. One time one of the mines they were excavating for energon happened to only be a few miles away from her home, and thanks to her fearless spirit she no doubt got from Megatron she goes to check out all the weird noises that have been coming from there. Megatron sees her and tries to scare her off before she can get too close, but her defiance proves to be more than he expected from a mere human. Maybe she would be worth getting to know.

TFP Starscream

- Nothing about this is good in his eyes. His relationship with his s/o was strained and a major source of stress to him because of his fear of Megatron finding out about them. It becomes too much one day and he leaves them with no warning and never looks back. That was hard on him too, but he didn’t want to continue putting their life and his own on the line for a relationship he knew was doomed from the start.

- When he finds out about his daughter he almost has a sparkattack. He had thought that having a human s/o was as risky as it got but now there is a child too? This is infinitely worse. Megatron can never know about this. Megatron puts Starscream through enough as it is, if he knew about his child Primus only knows what he would put them through. Sure, it would be nice to have a relationship with his daughter, but it would never be safe.

- The only time he ever came close to meeting her was when he was on his own away from the Decepticons. He’d check in on them here and there and was relieved to see they were living a happy, healthy life. He considers introducing himself but thinks better of it. If she did anything to call attention to herself it would inevitably get to Megatron and he doesn’t want to even think about what he would do.

TFP Soundwave

- He’s known from the start that he had a daughter with a human. He was dedicated and invested the second he knew his s/o was pregnant and did everything he could to be there for them and get them baby supplies (Megatron knows about this and is okay with it as long as he still performs his duties as the TiC). It was very hard on him when his s/o died and it took everything he had not to take the baby for himself. 

- He always knows where she is and how she’s doing. He keeps track of her grades in school, doctor’s appointments, and any and all social media accounts. He even made a fake account to befriend and talk to her. For the most part she just talks about school stuff and memes, but it’s something. Lazerbeak has also been sent to check on her a few times and sometimes to leave gifts with a note saying it’s from ‘dad’. If her phone breaks she can expect a new one that day. 

- His daughter finds out about him when she stays up late the night before her birthday to try and catch him leaving her birthday present at the door. She was expecting to see her mysterious human father, not a giant robot bird. When she jumps on him trying to stop him from leaving until she can get some semblance of an answer, Soundwave gets a distress signal. Lazerbeak carries her to a remote location so Soundwave can introduce himself and try to explain everything.

TFP Knockout

- He had no idea. Absolutely none. It was little more than a fling that he ended with little warning and promptly moved on from. He didn’t believe them when they tried telling him they were pregnant. That’s impossible, he’s a doctor he would know. As time goes by his mind keeps going back to what they said. They weren’t serious, they were just trying to keep him around. But what if they were pregnant?

- He starts researching the possibility of a cybertronian-human hybrid and discovers that while extremely rare, it could theoretically happen. Now he feels bad and is considering calling them up to try and fix things but finds out they died a few years ago. Oh. Now he feels really bad. He loses his motivation and decides to leave her be. It’s not like he’d have the time or knowhow to raise her himself.

- After a while he feels a longing in his spark to go track her down. He finds her and her new family and is relieved to see that at the very least she’s happy. The parents look like they really love her and do everything they can. He checks in on her from time to time but doesn’t plan on intervening ever.

TFP Breakdown

- He rarely gets a chance to spend quality time with his s/o and eventually he thought it would be easier to break up than try to balance a risky relationship where they barely see each other. It was nice while it lasted, but everything good comes to an end doesn’t it? It wasn’t until years later that he found out about their untimely death and felt horrible about it. Maybe they’d still be alive if he’d stuck around…

- Then he sees that the baby, having no immediate family was put up for adoption. Baby? What baby? They died not that long after their break up so there’s no way they found someone else and had a baby with them, there just wasn’t enough time. It dawns on him that it’s his child and he sets to work on trying to find them. He’s sad that he’s missed out on this much, but excited at the possibility of having a daughter.

- When he tracks her down and sees her having a great time with her adoptive family he doesn’t know how to feel. He wants to be there for her and raise her himself, but he doesn’t want to ruin what she has with this family. He keeps an eye on her the best he can and tries to interact with her but never quite gets the nerve to. If she ever finds herself in danger though, he’ll be there before she knows it.

[whydoyouthinkileft]

ele watches aos - aos spoilers

-cannot believe you are doing this to me. Jemma and May are in shock. That says the level of fucked up.

-Jemma and May flying the spaceship is beautiful and I'm crying

-were they frozen in time for years? or did they find a monolith that moves you around time?

-I love that they are all counting on Jemma and Jemma is sassing them about it because wow they are in so much trouble.

-Are they going to save all the humans in there too? bring them back?

-I'm laughing. they have been compared to rats. also the new guy reminds me of Hunter, they are all 'oohh he's in this for money' so I bet it will turn out he's a nice guy too

-laughing, they have been left alone and the Krees are DEAD, it's so them. Also nobody knows Daisy has powers yet except the team.

-either all the humans in here will be dead at the end of the season or take control of this station

-Daisy's earlier seasons expressions are coming back and I love it

-oohhhhh they are going to take Jemma aren't they. 'call that a honor' she's going to be in some creepy situation isn't she

-they are leaving May and Jemma alone, keep your head down and do what others do. oh yeah, that can't possibly go wrong.

-it's so cute, the new girl asking questions about life on Earth. Is it Tess?

-'they system is no more dead Krees' lmao I love how they are done in different ways, Mack is done because used to it, the other one is just... reasonably done for his standards

-UH GUY FLIRTING WITH DAISY

-I love how Coulson's first instinct was 'I have to fix everything'

-how can Jemma and May blend in? they didn't even ask what they are *supposed* to do

-oh wow let's not go there, with 'Fitz has lived his life. or not'. This whole talk murders me. Though I can tell Jemma cna stay calm thinking that of course she'll find a way back to his time.

-oh my god their reaction to food. the girls aren't blending in, though! come on, pretend it's pie and throw yourselves at it!

-fuck did stabby do? What did he think was going to happen if not to die?

-SERIOUSLY JEMMA? BLENDING IN? ACTING AS A DOCTOR? WITH MAY?

-aaaand this is why they take her away. also appreciate the whole shaking head at May. Kree woman has an eye on her too, she helped Jemma too fast. COME ON. NOW THEY COME BACK TOGETHER AND JEMMA IS GONE. I can see why the native are exasperated. How am I supposed to call the guy Dick? Come on

-'Hello, Yoyo. Masterthief'. MORE YOYO. GIVE ME MORE YOYO.

-I want more scenes of every single character, honestly. which isn't possible. Unless they focus less on plots and have the characters going around more but that's just not the kind of tvshow either damn it

-lmao Jemma is the one who is okay sleeping on the floor and has been brought to the kree spa.

-'undress and clean yourself' in front of them? yeah aha. That's not feeling uper wrong. Also Jemma's shirt is different from her previous one of the finale? I hadn't realized she had changed on her way to the diner.

-CREEPY KREE GUY WILL GET INTERESTED IN JEMMA. YOU'LL SEE.

-wow his eyeliner looks like mine a couple of hours after I apply it

-Daisy at least get closer to the doors you open with your powers so people won't know you used powers??

-oohh is this a drugs room? the fuck?

-it makes people hallucinate earth or something?? or just dream? Daisy has had weird dreams before. No wait, framework what?

-a life spent a life earned... that's going to come back to haunt them isn't it

-WOW JEMMA, HER ACTING. SHE READ HIM RIGHT AND FOUND THE PERFECT ANSWER, I CANNOT BELIEVE.

-I KNEW IT. I knew he'd be creepy about Jemma. please do not go the way I wrote it before with my au Hive, that was only okay when it was fanon because I dealt with the aftermath and everything, also it didn't affect anyone negatively oh my god

-Mack and Yoyo flirting is beauty

-look at them already getting themselves in trouble with the locals. I can just see the way they'd have been if they had ended up in prison like they thought. They'd have had a gang within five minutes

-they kept the 'framework' and just yesterday i was like 'they could have also ended up in prison and it would have been like in Angel, people breaking each of them out of jail because 'Aida is back' because she had a backup of her last image there

-oh my god the red thing on their wrists is horrifyingbut I don't entirely get it? do they shoot other reds or other blues?

-okay so each red has to kill one until they turn blue? the hell?

-lmao them stuck to the wall just pointing at the other guy, fat lot of good it did him to get them stuck there

-May, her leg is sooo hurt, she and Jemma go to the same school of 'I'll kick you with my stabbed leg if I have to and show no pain because I'm that cool'?

-Jemma 'what are you doing on your feet?' you are not supposed to just take control of the situation and speaking over him. I'm surprised the Kree guy didn't kill her just for interrupting him

-Also oh Jemma still reacts so much to people dying which is... good? but she has so many scars for sure over her body, from torture, from Maveth?

-she's yelling back at him, how

-I KNEW HE'D BE THAT CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER, ooohhhhhhh it's a thing that makes her deaf??? or under his control?? I cannot believe. Deaf in a place like that, now.

-Daisy's fight with Dick oh my god

-QUAKE. DESTROYED THE PLANET. THIS IS SO AWESOME. obviously I expect them to change it but you know. wow.

-nice doom speech just at the end

-Jemmaaaaaaaaaa, I joke about people making May their queen, I didn't expect Jemma to be made into a... slave with makeup and clothes like that supposed to represent the Perfect Kree

-are they all deaf? Stop fidgeting, Jemma

-OH GOD SHE CAN ONLY HEAR HIM, ARE YOU KIDDING ME

-ARE YOU???

[brianyololau]

November 7th, 2019

Ah ha ha, hello.

I said I would write an entry every day, but I didn’t yesterday. I actually remembered, but I had other stuff going on and fell asleep before I remembered again. Anyways, this sleeping thing has become a problem as much as I don’t want to admit because the cold, comfort, and low lighting in my room just hits different.It hits so different that I forgot to submit a discussion post last night. I’m going to that Dragonfly Tea Bar place today to study instead of at home later.

Back to documenting. Yesterday, I talked to the psychologist, Dr. Lam, and he encouraged me to dedicate more time and actually be efficient with my studying. In addition, I’m going to start making flash cards. Lowkey, there was a lab quiz yesterday that I didn’t know about lol. I’m going to keep up with the dates on the syllabus from now on cause fuck man that was so stupid of me. Anyways, I cheated off the girl next to me cause I didn’t know it. It was matching hormones to glands and and some blood questions. I feel terrible for cheating and not knowing about the quiz. I haven’t done something like that since high school. So, I’m gonna be extra studious today and get my work done. No excuses. 

To be quite honest, I’m a little ashamed, but it’s okay. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself for it, but I must learn from this. This reminds me of the time I missed my essay deadline and had to drop the class. So, I really don’t want this to happen again. Crystal forced me to buy a UCI planner so I gotta use it now.

I’m kinda glad that I’m gonna have classes 4 days a week next semester, but I’m also gonna be a lil stressed if I try and work. 

We’ll see. I wanna do serving 2 days a week and CNA one day a week, but I don’t think that schedule will fly with the employers. It’s cool though. Taking a pay cut won’t be the end of the world. After my next semester, I’ll be able to work more for the rest of the year... shit I needa start working if I wanna have any business projects in the summer, but school first, extracurriculars later. 

Crystal got her wisdom teeth removed yesterday haha. I’ll post a photo of her below:

My friends and I are also planning on throwing a Thanksgiving feast at my place. I got the okay from my mom. She initially said yes, but she came into my room after and said Thanksgiving should be for family only. So, I got triggered and asked her if she wants me to drop all my friends for family or something? She said yeah. Then, I asked her so you don’t want me to do Thanksgiving at our house? She said yeah. the FUCK? 

I can’t blame her because I understand where she’s coming from, but traditional parents be acting like best friends don’t mean shit cause they’ll cut you out for family anytime. Well, I believe that in rare cases, water can grow as thick as blood as long as both parties are within the same mindset. Maybe this doesn’t happen with everyone, but I see a lot of potential in my friends and I want to grow more with them. My only desire is that they want the same back. I think Eric told me water could grow as thick as blood. tru homie

I got the okay after I told her and said I’ll do this independently from family. She understands, but she’s a little unreasonable and jumps fast to action sometimes when it comes to dealing with something that could be easily resolved. 

[yanceyrenee-blog]

Chapter Twenty-seven First Date

" Would you rather Beth stayed?"Josiah asked me after she left. " Oh no." I quickly respond. " Are you sure? You seem awful nervous." " Yes, I am sure. I have just never been alone with with you before." " Well love, we really aren't alone. They're probably be a nurse or an aide in here any minute." " Why? Do you know their schedule?" " No, just know your daddy. If you were my daughter I would send someone in here to check on me." He finishes with a smile. " Ah. But you wouldn't do anything, anyway." " Yes. I know that and you know that but I bet your daddy doesn't." There's a knock on the door and a lady walks in. " Hi Sarah. I am Megan your CNA tonight. I need to take your vitals." " Hi Megan nice to meet you. This is my boyfriend Josiah." " Nice to meet you." She says as she starts to take my vitals. After she is done, Josiah asks here if I am ok. She looks to me," Can I tell him?" " Of course." I tell her. " I can't give info to anyone but your dad without your permission." she explains. " She is fine. Vitals okay, anyway." " Vitals anyway. Is she ok otherwise." " As expected." she says as she walks out. " I am not sure I like her." Josiah says. " She was just being honest." " But she could have been gentler about it." " Yah," I'd say with a sigh," I wonder if they will serve me something other than soup for supper." " If not I could run down and get you something." Josiah offers. " Thanks but I really should stick with what they're bringing me." " Okay. I think we are about to find out. I hear trays outside." He was right. A few moments later a man walks in with the tray. He places it on the table beside me and leaves with an " enjoy" has he leaves. I lift up the lid with trepidation. I was presently surprised. Real food! A tuna sandwich, fruit cocktail, a salad, and pudding. I have never been so happy to see tuna. " This is great, but Josiah I hate to eat in front of you." " It is okay. I ordered a companion tray." He says just as the same gentleman comes in with another tray. When he leaves, I ask him," When did you order a companion tray?" " Before I came up today." " Oh. All of this was planned?" " A little." " Sneaky." " Yes, but it all worked out." " Yes." I say with a blush. " I planned to eat with you Sarah. That was really all I planned. But when you told us what you told us and truly thought that I wouldn't want to be around you, I had to tell you exactly how I felt." " Is this.," I gesture including the IV's and bandages," why you said you love me?" "What," he replied shocked," no of course not. I love you Sarah not because you have cancer. I love you in it and prayfully someday without it." " I am sorry. Just so hard to believe that you love me." " Why sweet girl?" " You are just so you and I am so me." " Exactly. You are perfect custom designed for me. Now eat love." " Oh right, food." We eat silence for a while but it is a comfortable silence. I feel safe and at peace around him. I realize he is right. We are perfectly made for each other. Soon after we finish the nurse walks in. " Hi Sarah. My name is Sammi. I am your nurse tonight." " Hello Sammi. This is Josiah. My boyfriend.." " Cute." says Sammi. " Errr thanks." Josiah says. " Josiah I need you to step out for a moment while I change Sarah's dressing." " Okay. I will be right outside Sarah." " Okay." " He is sweet." she says as she gently remove the old bandages, checks the stitches, put antibiotic ointment on it, replaces the bandage. " He really is. How do the stitches look?" " Good. I will let cutie pie back in now." "Uh thanks." " How is she doing?" He asked as soon as he walks back through the door. " Can I tell him?" " Yes." I tell her thinking by the time this is all over I'm going to truly hate HIPAA. " She is healing nicely." " Good." " Okay Sarah I will be back in an hour to start your antibiotics." " Can I asked why an hour?" " It is when I pass out evening meds. Do you need something now? Dr. Abels has pain meds ordered whenever you need them." " Well, " I said with hesitation. " Sarah if you're in pain don't suffer. Take something." pleads Josiah. " I could use something." I tell her," I just don't want to feel all drugged." " Sarah. I will be here.I am going be here I will be here when you wake up even if it is in the middle of the night. It isn't good for you to suffer. You have to stay on top of the pain." "Okay." " I will be right back with the antibiotics and the Demerol and Phenergan." Says Sammi. " Confused. Didn't you say you were bringing back my antibiotics in an hour." " If I bring it in now I won't have to disturb you later." she explains," I'll be right back." " She doesn't want to disturb us." Josiah says with a laugh. " To funny." I say." She thinks we are standard teenagers." " It will be nice to prove her wrong. To be a testimony." " It really will." She returns. " I am going to hang this first Sarah. It doesn't hurt but may be a little cold." " Brrrr. Yes a little cold." Josiah reaches over and pulls the blanket over my chest. Sammi winks at me. " Okay sweetie. This is going to make you feel a little strange. But you shouldn't feel anything else, pain wise." She explains as she injects it. " Let me know if you need anything else. The aide will be in to get your vitals in a few hours." She says with another wink. " Oh yah. She's so thanks we are up to something." I say with a slight slur in my voice. " Yep. Sweet girl you are so drugged." " Yes sorry." " It is okay. You don't need to apologize to me ever for taking care of yourself. You're pain free, right?" " Oh yah." " Then that is all that matters." " I love you Josiah." " I love you too Sarah. Rest, I am right here." " K." That is the last thing I remember until 4 the next morning.

[turquoisedragonmaster]

http://gokuma.tumblr.com/post/120916562280/au-where-after-thousands-of-years-a-bot-gives

 >This may be one of the most dumbass things I’ve ever written. It’s kinda like reverse In the Crosshairs but with Star? Because Nickel and Star totally know each other shut up<

(Warning for emergence >Pretty much transformers birth lmao< and Starshadow being a salty fuck and Tarn being an ass)

Tarn would never make the mistake of letting Pharma take advantage of him ever again. In fact, he would probably kill the medic once this was over. What made matters worse was the fact that Nickel had called in an old friend of hers, a medic who specialized in sparklings and emergences.

“You! The big blue one!”

“My name is Hele…”

“Don’t care. In my ship, I have some energon. Get it. Nickel, hand me my gloves.”

“I can’t believe you still use those old things.”

“Nickel, these old things have helped many sparklings into the world. They’ll be retired when I die.”

Starshadow huffed, and then Tarn winced as the medic placed her servo on his abdomen. Her servos were glowing, which was one of the strangest things he’d ever seen. Slowly, the green and black femme moved between his pedes, and he winced again as he felt a digit enter his valve.

“Okay. Helex, or whatever your Primus forsaken name is. Give him some of that. You did it with a flight frame, you dumbaft, didn’t you? My sensors picked up on it.”

Tarn winced as the digit was withdrawn and a tiny green helm glared at him. Nickel snorted.

“I told you she was good.”

“You’re fully dilated. When you feel the next contraction, I want you to push. And… you, grinder chest. Leave him alone.”

Tesarus gave the small medic a disdainful look, but didn’t move to harm her. Starshadow almost radiated ‘leave me alone’ when she was working.

“Sparkling’s coming along nicely.”

She said much too calmly for Tarn’s tastes. Finally, after one extremely long push, everything went away and a piercing cry split the air.

“A tank mech. Nickel, what do you think?”

  “So, it’s really possible.”

Helex looked over Tarn’s shoulder as the purple tank cradled the tiny sparkling.

“I know, right? I thought it was a myth.”

Tesarus said, causing Starshadow to snort.

“Well, that myth kept me in business before the war, and during for the most part. So. Who’s the sire.”

All optics (Except Kaon’s because he had none) fell on Starshadow.

“Wait. I’ve got this.”

The green and black medic’s faceplates scrunched, and then all optics (Once again excluding Kaon).

“What is she doing.”

“Looking through her CNA database.”

“WHAT.”

TArn snarled, causing the bitlet to murmur unhappily.

“Annnnddd…. Done. it’s Pharma. Oh boy, you have horrible taste. Then again, look who I’m talking to.”

Starshadow wrinkled her nose.

“So. I’m assuming you…”

“Take him.”

Tarn held out the red and black tanklet, who whimpered. Starshadow looked down at the sparkling, then back up at TArn.

“What.”

“A sparkling hs no place here. And I have no time for him. Take him somewhere he can be.. In less danger.”

Starshadow took the tanklet gently, her servos running over tiny backstruts gently.

“Well then. Nickel, it was nice seeing you again. And if any more of these idiots get sparked up…”

Starshadow glared around at the DJD.

“Don’t call me. I have three sparklings of my own.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Now, I’ll be going.”

 >And nobody ever mentions that incident again except when Star has to explain to Sludge why she suddenly dragged a mini-Tarn home. Star is totally the only Autobot who can say that kind of shit to the DJD and live<