#and tell me they arent in love? no goddamn way

[kafka-ohdear]

so when will we be talking about frank perconte and william dukeman leaning on each other's shoulders while sleeping and smiling so softly in that one picture.

[cowboy-robooty]

no guys you dont get it itager isnt sweet and tender in the domestic gay lovey dovey way theyre sweet and tender in the BRO way

[zarnzarn]

i see all these comments talking about this after the new episode, but. i would like to state for the record that stolitz isn't. toxic.

first off, the concept of a toxic and a healthy relationship are such... vague terms. when you're online, drenched in language and tight moral boundaries, trying to put a nuanced story like helluva boss's into boxes is easy to attempt and impossible to do.

a toxic relationship is one where one or both parties is maliciously affecting the other. I'm talking fetid, nasty, rude interactions where there is more hurt than love. they're unhappy more often than not when they're with their partner, there's no respect or give from the other side.

stolitz is nothing like that.

Stolas actively cares about Blitz and actually has no fear or hesitation in ADMITTING IT OUT LOUD TO OZZIE. he has been calling, texting, commenting, laughing and finding ways to spend time with Blitz. he's throwing everything he has to the wind, finding the courage to move forward with the divorce, putting everything he has into trying to keep him. he's been alone in a palace since he was born, on medication, with such less people dear to him that he remembered the circus boy who spent a day with him DECADES ago- so when blitz comes into his life and brings back in laughter and color and sex, he's holding on with everything he's got.

and blitz does care!!! he cares a LOT, the whole series we see him falling in love with stolas through SHOW NOT TELL (his expressions, his choices, his fear, his lashing out) and utterly unable to process that stolas cares about him too when talking to fizz; almost a desperate kind of denial-

cause yknow. the first time he tried to confess something to someone he really liked, he accidentally killed half the people he knew and ruined the lives of the rest?

thats gonna leave just a teensy impact on the will to express your emotions in the future, methinks.

even before that, he clearly felt like on some level that he was unworthy and he's said twice that he despises himself for the accident even though it wasn't actually his fault. being self aware doesn't stop the emotions from emotioning.

he keeps insisting its only sex so urgently to anyone who doesn't ask because he can't even imagine it being anything else. he's both disappointed and relieved when he repeats that stolas sees him as a novelty, because what else can it be?

(there's a whole other spiel of how brave both Stolas and Blitz have to be to say it out loud even when asmodeus can't afford to, considering how publically and completely beaten down both were at the club.)

(there's also another whole spiel about how frustrating it has been for ME to see all these comments over time with such bad takes based on like,, 20 min worth of info of a show that takes months to release an ep. like godDAMN have some patience?? let the story UNFOLD MAYBE? IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE AN EXPLANATION WHY WOULD YOU CRITICIZE THINGS THAT ARENT EVEN FINISHED ESPECIALLY AN INDIE ANIMATION- i digress)

mind you, this has NOTHING to do with abuse. an abusive relationship is one where one is actively harming the other with full awareness. Stella is an abuser and their marriage is abusive.

and stolitz isn't that; it isn't even unhealthy or toxic. it's a consensual, transactional fuckbuddy relationship that slid into something more for both of them.

but!!!!! one of the main reasons for the problems that everyone looks over is-

they're in a BDSM relationship.

I can't possibly delve into dynamics without making this a 10k research paper BUT even though we've gotten only hints and costumes and dialogue- they're very clearly and undeniably in a BDSM contract. Behind the scenes of this crazy show is a whole different story, of these two delving into the most hardcore kinks out there- knifeplay, painplay, bondage.

if you've gotten into the community, if you've read a couple dozen particularly good fics by authors who know what they're talking about, hell; even if your only experience is fifty shades or 365 or whatever- you gotta know that BDSM scenes are crazy fucking emotionally heavy. there's so much that has gone down between them during their full moons that helluva can't get into!!

but you know how in so many of these popular medias and fics, the dom in the relationship is also like,, the billionaire/mafia heir/prince, etc, the one with financial and physical power? this isnt that. it has been very clearly stated that stolas is subbing, blitz is domming.

now take a moment and think about how much that fucks up the dynamics.

in stolas' eyes, blitz is a confident, dangerous individual who's an old friend and cherished memory of his, who he's trusted wholly with his safety during sex and he's lucky to have; and he has been in an abusive arranged marriage for the past eighteen Years, he's probably not going to be pushing his luck with his dom that much in the first place. plus, blitz is never cowed by him during their conversations- think back to the first phone call right after he stole the book, completely unafraid.

and for blitz, it's someone trusting him again- but it's also a royal- a blue blood who's nearly untouchable and so much more powerful- who couldn't possibly like a piece of shit like him, apart from the sex he gets out of it. he only flirts once he gets some sort of cue from Stolas; he's desperately trying to view this as only a Goetia trying to get his rocks off, despite all the evidence to the contrary, because anything else is unfathomable to him, no matter how clearly Stolas shows it, because of the ptsd.

both of them thinks the other has the power. both of them aren't expecting the other to keep shut if something's bothering them.

and there's so much conflicting messages from the other too!

stolas calls him a plaything when trying to intimidate the humans; stolas cups his face gently and asks if he's alright

blitz asks him on a date and tells him to get better soon; blitz yells that it's only sex and doesn't reply to his messages

ya see?

bring it to fizzozzie for a second now; even though they do look all good on surface, you can still see fizz's trauma and doubt in all their interactions, they're still forced to keep the relationship secret. do you see his face when Ozzie says in hyperbole that he's never leaving the house again, or when someone accuses him of being a pampered house pet or when he got sexualized in the 7th ep? whatever happened in the interim between the accident with mammon, it fucked him UP. even though oz seems to be well aware of this when he tells him not to apologise and in their general interactions, fizz still visibly has trouble separating plaything/commodity from healthy relationship.

shout the fuck out to Ozzie btw, man knows whats UP. rooting for these two so much omg.

i forgot where I was going with this point, I'll edit it when i remember. but yeah! lovely fucking relationship, but damn what angst filled issues.

anyway, to sum up- stolitz is not a toxic relationship. the relationship is stuck sludging through misunderstandings and careless microaggressions and trauma responses, but it's not unhealthy or toxic because of the simple reason that most of the current hurt comes from... a misunderstanding. stolas didn't realise blitz would need reassurance about what they were and blitz didn't see stolas as someone who could get hurt.

unecessarily calling it toxic, even online, is more impactful than people think too. almost all spindlehorse ARE on all social medias; so MANY YouTube animators i know have found jobs there; they see your words, especially since a lot don't tag posts with "anti hb" correctly to keep them out of the main tag. there are Very few queer medias made BY queer people that haven't gone through heavy corporate revisions- helluva boss is practically a historical landmark in its success. it's very very very fucking easy to forget that not ten years ago some of the only queer videos on YouTube were butter lover (one kiss at the end post credits), dirty paws and welcome to hell (subtext).

the amount of "critical talk" helluva boss gets for what it is is very unprecedented. it's a beautiful show. can't wait for the next episode.

[sinning-23]

Apple Of My Eye (Buggy x Ex!Reader)

ANGST ANGST NO COMFORT LOL! Angst isn’t really my specialty but my life is a goddamned tragedy so why not pull some my very pathetic love life and sprinkle it in a fan fiction lmao. ANYWAY! Enjoy!

How had he managed ot fuck up so badly with you? His pretty girl, his star. You smile and wave to panicked audience participants, the bubbles from your hands looking like pure magic. But the look in your eyes when you seen him was fierce. You twirl and bend and flip, glitter sparkling around you when you did. Of course Buggy was still enamoured with you, despite you no longer being his.

Loving Buggy was like falling. The feeling od your stomach clenching in uncertainty, waiting to hit the ground but never actually coming close to impact. He was always there to catch you arms attached to him or not.

Loving him was reassuance, making sure the knew just how important he was to you. Loving him was kind, calm, and precise. You’d kiss his face so soflty, intertwine your fingers when no one was looking and embraced him on cold nights.

But loving him was also patience. A thing in which he struggled to obtain at times. Shoving you away when all you wanted was to help comfort in the best way you knew how. Loving him...hurt. It hurt when he ignored your concerns, saying you needed to 'lighten up' or 'wheres the fun in that."

It hurt when you'd try and comfort him only to be met with anger. He needed time is all...right? and time you gave. you tried and trie dnad tried but nothing seemed to work.

Had he grown tired of you? No. It was obvious he hadn't when he would set you in his shows, you being the main act. He was never fond of sharing the spotlight but for you...his star? He'd do anything. Of course the would never tell you and he knows that's why you fell out in the first place. Poor communication on his part at least.

SO when you finally toldhim you needed to talk, avoiding looking at him, arms hugging yourself, he paniced. Of course he did. He knew that look, and th feeling in thepitof his stomach that came with it. You were going to leave him.

"Youre breaking up with me...arent you?" He chuckle bitterly, fists balling up at his sides. Even though the last thing he wanted was to be mad at you, he couldn't help the rage that filled his core. You were going to leave him...just like everyone else half

"I think we need to take a break..."You whisper, eyes welling up, knowing this was for the best. It still hurt though, but that's what it meant to love Buggy. To hurt momentaritly.

"You lied. You said you wouldn't....you." He cant seem to find the words.

Gods this whole situation is making you feel guiltier than ever. You did promise to never leave. And you still would keep it, opting not to leave the crew for his sake, no matter how much easier it’d make things.

It’s been months since the night and your heart can’t help but squeeze every time you see him. Part of you wishes things would have went different but knowing him.

It wouldn’t have.

[ariscats]

Jameson analyzes part 2: Traumas (or a very long rant against Emily Laughin, who I cant be bother to learn how to spell her last name)

“Cause I've made some real big mistakes/ But you make the worst one look fine/ I should've known it was strange/ You only come out at night/ I used to think I was smart/ But you made me look so naive/ The way you sold me for parts/ As you sunk your teeth into me, oh/ Bloodsucker, famefucker/ Bleedin' me dry, like a goddamn vampire”

So there is this girl, who comes at his house every summer and has a heart diesse. She cant live so everyone has to do whatever she asks to make it up for it. Then one day she gets a surgery and now she gets to live, and who is her ticket to living? Jameson and Grayson.

Emily is his first kiss. However, 3 seconds after SHE KISSES HIS BROTHER WHO HE ALREADY INSECURE ABOUT BECAUSE OF HIS F. GRANDFATHER. And you have to be pretty dumd to not realize that what emily really wanted in the scene is Grayson to kiss her and she just used Jameson because she could (I still can’t believe that Emily did “loved” Gray more than Jameson).

Then she moves to his city and goes to his school. And, as far as a bitch she is, she must have been rl something because she became the most popular girl at school.

(Now, this is where things get tricky. I’m going to use the version fo what I believe happened. If you have another version you can picture like that)

Then they start dating. They borh want to live and do things because they can rather because they should. She got her golden ticket to freedom and he got the attention he’s been craving his whole life. They do everything together because she wants more and he wants more and nothing is never enough for them. So Jameson takes her to do everything they have the right to because Jameson is, at te end of the day, a good boyfriend.

But, its still not enough for Emily. Because she goes after fucking Grayson AND HE DOES THE SAME TING AS JAMESON BECAUSE THEY ARE THE OPOSITE SIDE OF THE SAME COIN.

Then they start fighting. Best friends for their whole life, but they slowly start to hate each other because fucking Emily turned everything INTO A GAME, MAKING LOVE A GAME THE SAME WAY TJEIR FAMILY HAS BEEN TRAUMATAZING THEM THEIR WHOLE LIFES. AND SHE KEEPS A FUCKING SCORE OF WHO HAS MORE POINTS, BY VOICE RECORDING.

Then one beautifull day Rebecca decides that betrayl by both ends doesnt hurts and tells Jameson about the scores and sends him the audio Emily made.

Jameson Hawthorne had to listen the girl he ruined his life for for over a year sumarize him and his love as some points. He breaks up with her, and she decides to go after Grayson. And then she jumps. But he is also there, because love and family are never that simple and jameson is a tiny bit (read in the level of therapy) of a masochist. And then SHE BLINKS AND LAUGHS AT HIM AND WHEN HE FINALLY MANAGES TO GO AWAY SHE START HAVING HEART PROBLEMS. BUT SHE HAS PLAYED HIM SO MUCH THAT HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT REALITY IS ANYMORE, and she hadnt had any heart problems for the past 4 years. So he leaves and she dies, and hell breakes lose.

He lost a girl he has know his whole life. He just “learned” that his love arent worth more than some points, he just got out of a increadibly toxic relasionship that ruined his life. The healthy thing would have been if he had some safe space to talk about what Emily did to him and have a strong support system. But everyone he knows is muroning her. They see her as an angle, so everything she did to him goes under the traps because how do you even dare to say something about dear angle Emily. And he has to live with the fact that he belives he killed her. And he cant also talk about anyone about that, for obvious reasons (but his grandfather knows and uses that against him).

Remember what I said about him being a masochist? Now is the era of his great self destruction (with an almost suicide attempt there, that his grandfather was present again and used that agaisnt him, *again*). Its all buttom up in him and he feels angry and sad and nothing. And between these 3, he chose anger. Also, Thea blames the Hawthorne for a death they didnt cause because who dares to say something bad about angles emily? So she puts the whole school agaisnt him and makes school unberable to him. Everyone likes to joke about Jameson missing school but has anyone ever wondered why he hated there so much? He didnt skiped class because he was a rebel 😝🤘but because everyone f. hated him and made his life hell.

[leigh-kay]

yall arent giving me what i need w ethan landry so ill do it my goddamn self

Confidence|| Ethan Landry (Scream 6)

warnings: smut, like straight fucking, sub! oc reader, dom! ethan, he whines so your welcome, choking, cutesy ish ending, theyre in love bc im in love w ethan, head (female recieving), ethan needing to satisfy her to be happy, ethan being hot in general

"Like that?" he whispered, dragging slow circles across her clit.

She nodded, teeth digging into her bottom lip as she gripped at his wrist, "go faster baby."

He obliged, and while he could tell she liked it, he knew she needed more. And he remembered how she nearly screamed when he'd used his mouth the last time. He wouldn't settle for less.

As he stopped his attack with his fingers, she eyed him questionably, a frown on her lips as he got up from the bed.

"What are you doing?" she pouted.

"Come here," he demanded, standing at the foot of the bed.

The change in his demeanor was almost frightening. He'd never been one to call the shots in their sex life. It was shortlived, they'd only slept together twice, and she always took the lead. He'd been a virgin, and, well, she was far from it.

Which didn't bother him in the way most people would think. No, Ethan simply hated the idea that anyone could make her feel better than he could. And that... was not an option.

She stared at him curious, but following his request. She sat before him, looking up at the pretty brown eyes she'd fallen in love with as a smirk appeared on her face.

"Ethan what-" his knees hit the floor in front of her, and his hands gripped her thighs.

As he slid them open, he smiled at her softly, "You liked this right?"

She couldn't get words out. Never in her fucking life did she think she'd ever see a sight like this. Messy hair and dimples like his between her legs, trying so hard to take over but still be every bit the gentlemen he always was. It was unreal.

She simply nodded, her hand reaching to pull on one of his, lacing them together. His free hand squeezed at her thigh as his mouth attached itself to her cunt. His tongue running through her slit as he sucked against her heat.

She gasped as he found her clit, rolling his tongue over it slowly but rough.

"Ethan," she squeezed at his hand, her back hitting the bed as she fell back.

Over and over, he tugged her clit between his lips, alternating between fucking her with his tongue and the latter. He couldn't get enough of the taste on his tongue.

She cursed above him, whining and hips damn near riding his face as he kept up the pace. She was so fucking close it hurt and her movements were uncontrollable.

He groaned against her opening as she screamed his name, sending her crashing through her orgasm. He didn't pull off as he licked across her cunt, cleaning her up as she moaned at the sensitivity.

Grabbing for his face, she pulled him close, throwing her lips against his as she thread her fingers through the mess of curls at the back of his head.

Fumbling, she yanked at the bottom of his shirt, pulling it up to his arms before he took over and thew it to the floor beside them.

"I want it, please Ethan." She pressed her palm to his covered cock, fighting for breath as they broke apart.

He'd loved sex with her, all of the two times they'd done it but she's never begged him for anything. And he never felt the burn in his veins that he did as the words left her mouth. He wanted to fuck her in every goddamn position possible. Until she couldn't take it. He wanted to ruin her.

The ideas scared him but by god if it didn't make his dick hard to think about her crying for him. His hand found her neck as he pressed messy kisses across her tits.

"So perfect," he mumbled, hips slowly grinding into her bare pussy.

She sighed at the contact, bucking up at him as he brought his hips back down on her again. Teeth ran across her sweet spot as she cried his name, "Ethan, please!"

"I just wanna worship you, pretty," he flashed those fucking dimples and she wanted to die. She thought she might explode if he didn't fuck her like she so clearly needed.

"I need you."

His patience snapped. How could he not fuck her when she needed him? His hands flew to his jeans, unbuttoning them before slipping them down his legs, groaning as she went for his boxers.

His cock sprang free as he snatched the condom from the night stand beside them. Slipping it on before lining up with her cunt.

He tried to keep himself in check, sliding into her slowly as his head fell back, "fuck me."

Inch by inch, she welcomed him before wrapping her legs around his torso, whimpering at how he damn near split her open.

"God, you take me like you're fucking made for it," he groaned.

She had not a clue where this side of Ethan had been hiding, but fuck she loved it. She loved everything about him but by god this made it even better.

He dragged out of her, hissing at how tight she was around him, before his hands settled at her waist and he slammed back into her. The noise that left her was enough to send his eyes to the back of his head.

Everything about her was perfect, but the noises she made for him? The fact he caused them sent heat through his body.

"How," he pushed into her at a steady pace, "did I get so lucky hmm?"

"I-" a particularly sharp thrust cut her words short.

"Sorry baby I didn't get that?"

Cocky son of a bitch. God he was hot.

His thrusts were deep and fast, pulling her hips to meet him as she cried out his name over and over. As her nails began to cut into his shoulders he let out a whine that made her clench around him.

He always sounded so pretty.

"Harder", she pulled him flat against her, "pl-ease."

He obeyed, fucking into her from the closer angle, making her scream.

"Right there?" she nodded vigorously, legs shaking.

Again and again he drilled against the spot, leaving her writhing underneath of him as she fell apart.

He could feel his orgasm chasing him as he sucked marks into her skin. She was his to do that with, she'd told him. He'd been damned if he didn't take every chance to claim her since.

"Baby," she ran her nails down his back, "cum for me. Please, inside me"

"Are you- jesus christ- are you sure?"

"Yes! Fuck, please!"

She tightened around him as the sensitivity took her over, her teeth grazing his neck and sending him over the edge.

As the wave hit him, he pressed his lips to hers with zero hesitation. She could feel the heat spreading inside of her, hear the low pitched ramblings in her ear as she took everything he gave her.

"So pretty", "Perfect girl", and "So good to me" were all she could make out as he gently pull out of her and pulled her under his arm.

Her eyes flutter as she look over at him, red covering his cheeks and curls matted against his forehead. He was the kind of perfect people carved statues for.

His brown eyes found hers, exhaustion behind them, "I- I'm sorry I lost my cool."

She stared for a moment, convinced he was joking before she burst into laughter.

"What?" he turned to face her.

"Ethan you fucked me so good I don't even think I could walk if I wanted to right now and you're apologizing."

He tried not to smile, "I did?"

A soft blow hit his side as she rolled her eyes, "Don't go getting cocky now, Landry."

"You're simply boosting my confidence."

She snorted, snuggling further into his side, "My pleasure."

[starfxkr]

this is real crazy of me to say but i think we’re close enough for me to admit it friend

… i wanna ride jj’s gun. i need to see his face as his kitty loses herself on his weapon of all things. THERE IVE SAID IT !!!!!!

- 🪐

AND UR REALLLLLLLL i cant remember if i wrote this read it or dreamt it but i def recall there being something similar on my blog where he rubs it against her clit but riding it? oh she’s doing that 100%

it’s when be first steals it and he’s so goddamn giddy about it, showing her how to load and unload it and how to clean it. and he jokingly presses the “empty” barrel under chin saying, “you better be lucky i love you kitten, theres some real bad motherfuckers out there who’d hurt you.”

and there’s that mean glint in his eye— the one that doesn’t rear its ugly head often but when it does you feel it. he probably runs the barrel over your lips when you stick your tongue out to give it a tiny lick and he just slides it between your lips back and forth like its his dick. when he pushes it down your throat amkes you gag, his eyes are drawn to the very obvious wet patch growing on your panties.

“i could do whatever i want with you right now you know that.” it wasn’t a question. his eyes flicking up from between your legs as he pulls the gun from your mouth with a thin string of saliva connecting it to your lips, “i could fuck you with this right now and you couldn’t do a thing. ‘cuz you’re my little girl arent you”’

frantically you nod, pretty much gasping with arousal, “i’d let you do anything.”

“yea you would,” he pinches your cheek with a wild smile, “‘cuz my girls a real freak.”

you can’t help but smile back, biting your lip when he lifts your dress and slides your panties to the side with the barrel.

“you trust me dont you?” he presses the cool metal against your hot sticky flesh.

“maybe.”

he pulls away to adjust himself, laying against the headboard and positioning the weapon at crotch level with a smirk, “come ride it then.”

you practically crawl towards him, once you’re close you dip your head down to lick the faint traces of your cunt off it. the way he moans you’d think his actual dick was in your mouth.

grabbing the back of your neck he lifts you off and drags you up until your wet pussy is hovering over it.

“go on now, wanna see my pretty girl ride it.”

it was almost embarrassing how easily he got you to sink down on it, a faint purr in the back of your throat when he rubbed his thumb beneath your ear.

the feeling was indescribable, the dry coolness of the gun was a stark contrast to how hot and wet you were. it was dizzying and he knew it, panting cruel praises into your ear as you sped up.

“i got you so well trained you’re riding a fuckin gun kitten you know how sick that is right?”

you shook your head, digging your nails in the side of his neck in irritation, “shut up…m’not sick i just-just wanna make you feel good.”

jj just smirks and pulls out your right tit from your dress, rubbing a thumb over your nipple, “yeah whatever makes you feel better, can tell you’re about to cum all over papa’s brand new glock though.”

you shake your head again, ashamed at how your dripping.

“dont shake your head at me missy i know you,” he leans in and trails his nose against your jaw, “i can see your clit throbbing from here.”

he’s right— god you hate that he’s right because your clenching hard around the metal with a choked mewl, clit pulsing and mind going blank with the strength of it.

when you finally come to his lips on pressing soft kisses against your pulse point, feeling that contented purr rumbling in the the back of your throat. you’re relaxed enough for him to gingerly pull the gun out of your now tender pussy and he gives you a finger so you have something warm to clench around.

still, he brings the drenched barrel to your face, mockingly, “i’d say you christened this little baby perfectly.”

[taggedmemes]

SENTENCE MEME TWISTED METAL / SEASON 01 EPISODES 01 + 02

the world fell to shit.

not having easily accessible porn freaked people out.

it's like a goddamn maze in here.

i got a big package for you.

time makes a fool of us all.

what's your name, slugger?

time to turn on the charm.

guess i'm not getting that knife back.

i'm sure you've got some stories.

charming, devilishly handsome, you know the type.

he was invited to have a beer with a mysterious, mildly intimidating white lady.

you got a solid ass.

i've got a lot of power.

i can make people's desires, their dreams, their every wish come true.

you have no idea what i would do for some two-ply.

i've never met a baby before.

aren't you tired of almost dying every day?

arent you tired of always being alone?

he had a theory that little sins could attract big sins.

consider it your punishment for crimes committed against the law.

eat my ass.

saving your ass once again.

it'll make your nipples spin like a lady in the burly-q show.

that's why i'm here to see your pretty face.

it means dealing with a bunch of brainwashed, burger worshipping screwballs.

there's chaos out there.

you know, it's really rude not to introduce yourself before pulling a gun on someone.

how about you lower that sorry excuse for a gun and i'll lower my exceptionally cool blade.

we don't want things to escalate, do we?

see? now things have escalated.

this never happened to me before.

you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

six bullets, each with your name on it.

that said, i'm willing to negotiate.

i love you, but this is all your fault.

well excuse me for trying to get you something dope for your birthday.

you know what's dope? a full eight hours of sleep.

i call dibs on the man titties.

they'd rather eat the flesh of their own kind than starve.

silent, but not very deadly.

you can hide, but i have ways to find you.

damn. that usually works.

why are you scurrying away, little squirrel?

sounds like you have trust issues.

i finally felt hot water that wasn't my own piss.

i really appreciate you coming along nicely.

normally i have to drag people into here kicking and screaming.

you won't like what happens if you run.

i love names. i'm kind of a name guy.

you should consider yourself lucky.

there are some things i wish i could forget.

you holding in a fart or something?

are we really gonna kill these guys?

they see the world in shades of grey.

my entire life people have been lying to me.

being alone was all i knew.

i was gonna starve her, watch the life slowly drain from her eyes.

i think she's gonna give you a run for your money.

you try to kill me every chance you get.

why should i show you mercy?

if it wasn't for me, you would be a starving corpse right now.

neither one of us made it pretty far on our own.

instead of trying to stab each other in the back, we should put our heads together and figure out how in the hell we're going to make it through this.

cool, we're fucked.

i am gonna tour de force this machete down your throat.

if you're not gonna tell the truth, then i'm gonna make you shut up and bleed.

it was a fucking snooze-fest.

your performance was dull as dick water.

you don't want to spend the rest of your life alone.

i'm gonna embrace the chaos.

maybe i'll even fall in love.

i have to admit i didn't think we were gonna make it out of there alive.

what is your problem anyway?

i'm keeping the gun.

you're really not gonna tell me your name?

did you just ask me for oral?

eat my ass, fuck.

[dotoil]

*pops* out of the ground. How’s the lore dive going over there?

OKA SO SPOILERS FOR THE LOG ON TITAN!!!!!!

I love the way Sigurd talks hes so funny just like me fr but Desmond prolly hates his ass LMFAO.

I think its really interesting what was going on with Sigurd in vow. He says his teammates tell him he becomes pale and shi whenever they go there which is probably alluding to his trauma of seeing Richard die there. AH THIS IS SOOO. So anyway Sigurd is going insane? Hes seeing things? Hes going outside even when hes on ship duty just to see Richard across the river? After the guy got Brackened? Idk if this is connected to the insanity level meter thats an actual mechanic in game but itd be cool if thats what it was insinuating. But jeez is Sigurd okay. I keep thinking of the one line he said in one of his other logs "Yes I am crazy Desmond" (Or smth along those lines) Also Sigurd needs to hop off Lucas, hes just a guy 😭.

TITAN USED TO BE HABITABLE??? Ok well duh all of them probably were at some point if the man-made facilities built there means anything. But it was so jarring to see Sigurd talk about Titan like it wasnt the abomination it is today. I mean this did happen a LONG time ago. A few centuries before the current time the game takes place(I think). Also war?????? Jess what are you talking about. A war happened on Titan? Is this when the coilheads were created because the bestiary said they were speculated to be man-made weapons of war. If thats the case then goddamn the brackens have probably existed far longer than most of the other creatures. Arent they plants. How they get into the facility. Also, I just thought of this, Sigurd never mentioned turrets or mines ever even though they were part of the game since the beginning. This makes me think that they only started existing after the war and the ones we run into in game is whats left over after people used them for war. Sigurds crew probably never encountered them because theres no way they lived long enough the witness the war. Sigurd said something about two years. Yeah no youre already lucky that you lived this long. Look at Richard. Anyway I really like how Sigurd got a little sentimental in the last part of this log. In the previous ones he seemed to resent his dad or smth but in this one he says he missed what he had with him. Agh Sigurd....

Yeah lore dive is going great 👍

[stonyponyofficial]

violer ive always wondered & ur the best person to ask. is there transphobic jokes in adam sandler jack and jill

hello io!!!! you've activated my "she talks about adam sandler for way too long" cutscene so i hope ur ready for that! this is going to lead me to rewatch Jack and Jill (2011) starring Adam Sandler, just so i can give u the full answer bc my Adam scholarship needs to be THOROUGH do u understand???? i hope u can live with the knowledge that uve made me do thjs. also i forgive u. this is a pride month post now btw.

Adam Analysis beneath the cut. tl;dr umm probably not as much as u would imagine like it could be So much worse but its. kinda okay at points too? Theres Nuance.

so even if u havent seen all of Adams many films like i have, maybe ur the average person whos probably only seen 10 or 20 of them who knows. u could probably imagine the kinds of jokes he tells. just general mean spirited ribbing towards anyone who isnt adam or like adam right? standard fare for mainstream movie comedy. so when it comes to Jokes Adam Tells About Women, we basically get two categories: jokes for women adam wants to have sex with, and jokes for women who Adam thinks are undesirable and does not want to have sex with.

when it comes to jokes about trans women, or the closest depiction of trans women an adam sandler film is going to get, they more closely align with the ugly woman jokes, except they arent really seen as women, so the joke is just kind of "ur a man!" when its literally a male friend of adam's in a dress pretending to be a trans woman, u know? not fun (btw friend of adam is the new horrible slang for id'ing other gay people tell everyone u know). there are only a feeew instances from what i remember of a stock crossdresser/trans woman joke character even being in a Sandler film, and usually u can like feel the disgust everyone has for these characters for like the 10 secodns theyre on screen to be joked at.

in Jack and Jill however, theres like.. kinda none of that. like shes jacks twin sister at the end of the day and everyone gets along with her because shes family even if shes loud and annoys people. spoilers for... jack and jill... but the whole plot is jack learning to love his sister again and not be annoyed by her very presence, learning the importance of family along the way. the jokes are mostly "god i hate my loud and annoying twin sister" more than anything. from what I remember anyway (this is before my rewatch btw this is just preliminary info jeez), the jokes are more aligned with undesirable women jokes toward jill than flat out transphobia (say, "ur even manlier than ur brother wow!" vs "u are a man") anyway i will now be watching Jack and Jill (2011) starring Adam Sandler so ill be right back.

okay hi. so they definitely characterize jill as being i guess the larger presence of the two, like they show a home movie montage of the two growing up and thats continually the joke in those clips that shes just "more than" jack. hairier, fartier, stronger, but also more emotional and familial, as in wanting to be close with her twin brother than he would like to be with her. in these ways shes made to be both more masculine and more feminine than jack. although shes made to be more masculine, as the film defines it, it then has many moments where its like "yeah despite her just being adam sandler in a dress, shes 'actually a woman'" like, if anything these moments are transphobic in that they ask "is Jill a guy?" and usually the answer is "no of course not shes a real woman not some man in a dress!" not said with such explicit terms but it's then implied by asking the question that it would be worse if the answer was yes. the first of these woman affirming instances is the honestly the best, so i will describe it for u thus, because youre here for analysis that is also just plot summary Goddamn It.

so theyre all in a movie theater when jill gets a call and starts talking really loudly, annoying everyone as the film has her do. jack calls her a psycho and she starts crying and runs out of the theater. one theatergoer remarks "way to make a chick cry, dude." and another inquires, "that was a chick?" and as jack runs to get jill he pours his popcorn on the guy and shuts him down like "yeah that was a chick!" like in one light its just the film reminding us and affirming and that she is in fact a real, normal cisgendered woman through adam owning this guy epically, but if ur absolutely insane you could see this as the biggest Adam Sandler Trans Ally W if there were to ever be one. just. compared to everywhere else that couldve gone, its. good? to see adam actually defending the "man in a dress" comedic character for once. even if it had to be him in the dress while being 100% cis, actually, for him to cool it with the transphobic remarks.

another moment is when jill is lifted by her soccer team to celebrate her helping win a match... yeah dont worry the context wont help... so as shes being lifted someone looks under her dress and is like "yeah shes not a guy" and gives another guy money like they made a bet? probably the weirdest example. but then she also makes sure to mention later that she does have periods so we all know the character of Jill Sadelstein played by Adam Sandler from Jack and Jill (2011) starring Adam Sandler twice, is in fact a real woman. idk like its playing into the comedy of this just being adam sandler saying that and like "haha hes not a woman" but idk if i would call that transphobic, one could perhaps say hes doing drag for this movie and like drag performers play with that all the time right?

idk it feels like the movie hairspray where the role of the mom is played by a man in a dress where that's just kinda the joke about it the whole time but it's still drag and kinda taken seriously?is that transphobic? eh probably a little. if anythjng it just feels like a drag performance in kinda poor taste where ur waiting for him to say the things he's said before about man in dress characters and then. he just doesn't?. uhhh llike later on theres a part where jack dresses as jill to try and fool al pacino who is in love with jill btw. al pacino is in love with jill but she doesnt like him back so she wont go meet him. anyway jack is getting changed in the bathroom and theres an attendant there who sees him come out full jillmoding. he proceeds to grope jacks fake melon boobs to adjust them and gives an approving italian hand smooch 🤌 mwah u know. its a little okay. i like it.

um there is also a moment where the joke is that pretransition caitlyn jenner is there, but its 2011 so she hadn't come out yet. its jarring and feels very transphobic bc they deadname her, but it was before she came out so that was... just her name at the time. so its okay, but feels wrong. a very strange coincidence for some of the only transphobia coming from this movie when it could have it fucking everywhere to be completely unintended and the result of someone just transitioning after the movie was done being made.... didnt know where to put this observation but it had to be known.

All Of This being said tho, u kinda need to have adam-vision like me to have a tolerance for his... we'll call them antics. only after many other sandler films did i get to this one and be like "oh wow that wasn't that bad given what i was expecting!" its still not a good movie, but compared to every single other one hes made or been in, its like. definitely in the middle of the pack. if we can take adam sandler acting in drag being the kinda silent joke for an hour and a half its. an okay watch. best watched with friends so u can talk about it/over it if u want. i would perhaps even call it camp at times if i had worse judgement. it definitely could have been worse! then again maybe i truly am numb to adam and i just didnt see anything wrong with it who knows! i am possibly completely full of shit. hope this helps 👍

[definitelynotshouting]

I’ve been trying to grasp why I’ve been so in love with hunger au, and it wasn’t until looking up the lyrics to ‘ibuprofen’ to try and spoil the next chapter for myself (I am very good at making things up) that I figured out why.

Your World building is beautiful and I’m a massive sci-fi fan I thought that was why I was originally so invested, but I realized that the entire story (as of rn) can be read as a metaphor for a type of personality disorder?

This isn’t me saying that the story MUST be a metaphor, or even that you intentionally wrote it like that, but goddamn it does click some button in me like oh!!

Sometimes w personality disorders it feels like all you can do is hurt people. You’re carefully restricting your actions and expressions so you dont ever get too comfortable and hurt someone, but you inevitably fail and all you can do is feel bad because you were able to be yourself and meet some kind of internal satisfaction but the result is other people being hurt and you still aren’t happy cause that’s inherently a bad thing.

And then the logical conclusion is that you should never speak or hang out with people (or like. Live.) ever again because it’s not right to be hurting other people with your mere existence.

Idk if anyone else has mentioned this before but yeah that’s this for me lol. But!! Help exists!!! and Grian will get help too with his watcher tendencies after he realizes that his existence isn’t inherently detrimental and that there are solutions for his problems if he uses his big boy words and asks.

And no one will forgive him for what’s happened overnight, and those who forgive him will still have been hurt, and some of his relationships will be permanently altered because of the way he’s hurt them. But it’s not the end for him and it’s not the end for anyone else!!

Sorry this is so long! Idk if I should tag anything sensitive in case you decide to respond so Ima leave that to you— I’m a tumblr lurker I’ve been here for years but never commented on anything lol. Ty for the story, keep living laughing and loving (It’s what Grian would want apparently) and have a good one!

placing some obligatory tws here for those with post filtering: tw for discussions of mental health, personality disorders, and minor suicidal ideation (in the ask)

alright with that out of the way this is actually really validating for me to hear bc a lot of what you're seeing in this has been inserted very deliberately. While its not intended to fully be a metaphor for having a personality disorder, a lot of what's been depicted does draw on that, so im really glad this resonates with you!!

At its heart and core, hunger au is about the raw process of recovery, and how grueling but ultimately rewarding it is to commit to getting better. Showing this process through the fic is, i suppose, my way of holding the hand of everyone who is struggling with their own recovery and saying "i see you. i understand. you arent alone."

I cant overstate how humbled i am by everyone who has taken the time to tell me how theyve seen themselves in hunger au. And the fic is just getting started!!! The fact that people are resonating this hard with it at only 5 chapters in just blows me away. Its everything ive wanted for this fic. Thank you for taking the time to tell me this, because im truly so grateful that i am making an impact with it, no matter how small or personal.

[bananafire11]

vent

please dont read if youre not in the right space rn. heavy on anger and feels. just wanna type it out somewhere and this blog is my safe space so

i am so fucking angry right now. like the kind of anger thats pent up and bubbles beneath the skin and is ready to implode out at any fucking second and i hate it so much. i dont feel like i have very good reasons for feeling this way either. or maybe im downplaying those reasons, i dunno

i dont want to bother any of my friends with this shit. i feel guilty because ik they have their OWN struggles. ik feeling this way is silly because i help them through so much, and am so glad to do so. but theres always this doubt.

anyway. on discord, i put my status on DNIUC sometimes because i just need space and ik that most of my close friends will see this and know to be careful that day. or if they text and im slow to respond, ik they understand. but theres these friends who KEEP spamming. and its driving me FUCKING MAD. one, who is very close and gosh i love them so much, sends me so much every day. youd think after the first few times i didnt respond, he'd get the fucking jist and think "ill stop there" but instead he KEEPS ON. ITS OVERWHELMING. and the subject of these texts isnt bad or anything, but its always about him and his bf. i dont have the energy to talk about them 24/7. im beyond happy for him, that hes happy. but FUCK. im asexual and never have been in a relationship, and sometimes it feels like a fuckyou to me?? ik he doesnt mean it that way at all!! but!!! idk, sometimes its like theres a longing for a bf of my own. but i dont want to settle. ill wait for the right boy. right now, hes not here. and im not actively looking for a relationship, i have so much shit going on. so, i usually ignore this guys dms as long as i can. i feel guilty, but at the same time fucking furious that i even have to do it in the first place, if that makes sense. i love him dearly, but it's forced me to just put my status on 'invisible' so it looks like im offline. better to avoid people, ig.

theres another guy, who isnt as close, but ive made great friends with thus far in the time ive met him over a game i enjoy. but again, doesnt know when to stop. why are you texting me when it says dniuc!!! YOU ARENT CLOSE. ive explained 'close' is friends ive known for a year or so, which isnt exactly true actually... but i needed to tell him something that wouldnt hurt his feelings. after i clarified for the second time, he let up. but still. people are fucking annoying and its so FRUSTRATING that i love them because that makes shit so complicated.

then, family. ive been snowed in with my mom and sister for over a fucking week and I NEED OUT. i never thought id say this but I WANT TO BE AT SCHOOL. AWAY FROM HOME. my neighbors, who are more so aunt and uncle to me and my sister, let me go over and stay hours with them when i need it. but i dont feel like trecking thru the fking snow to get there. last night i stayed over and watched a favorite movie of mine with them and it was great, but having the energy to do that feels exhausting tonight.

im trying to distract myself with art, but its not working like it normally does. and its goddamn hard. tried videogames, youtube, but nothing is bringing me true relief. but i dont want to sleep either. ugh.

vent art, anger.

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

am sick so if you'd like to speak some suitehearts/killjoys thoughts to me i would love to hear them :P

im sorry ur not feeling well :(( heres a (too goddamn long sorry) summary of all the suitehearts Thoughts i was struck with in latin earlier to hopefully make you feel a bit better <33

so first i was just thinking abt Benz and how hed get roped into the show via threats from bli and then i was like ohhh okay what if they offer him a lab space/equipment to do whatever experiments/research he wants if they agree to being on the show. bc like at this point its abundantly clear that hes not gonna work for them by making new drugs as originally planned but they dont want to risk losing his potential (and they wanna show that theyre still fucking in control) so they make them this "deal" (which theyve really got no other option to take if they dont wanna die) and he gets this lab and figures he can find a way of counteracting blis bullshit sort of in secret bc he knows hes never gonna be able to get this equipment anywhere else

AND THEN i started thinking abt how this would effect his relationship with everyone else on the show (namely Sandman and Donnie bc Crab atp basically just exists off set in a drugged up haze) and i started thinking that maybe thered be some tension there bc the others are either poor or poor AND heavily demoted from past positions of power, and they look at Benz with his higher education and seemingly wealthy lifestyle and they think hes an enthusiastic participant in the system thats fucked them both over. so maybe theyre both kinda dicks to them off set but im thinking Benz doesn't really care bc he doesnt hang around much anyways if they arent filming- hes gotta spend every possible second in the lab yk? and then i started thinking about what might push them all to really talk and become friends which led to THE fucking idea ever

so one day Sandy and Donnie are looking for Benz in his dressing room bc they were supposed to start filming like fifteen fucking minutes ago god Benz this isnt just your show stop being so fucking selfish and come do your job- but they stop as just outside the door as they very clearly hear Benz arguing with someone important and they're saying something about a deal? and Benz sounds pissed saying this wasnt in the agreement and they said he could research whatever he wanted and they cant just do this- if they take this from him hes done. he's walking. they already took everything else from him so if they dont let him have this then hes off the fucking show and they can just try and catch him when he runs. and Whoever theyre talking to is just like "lolz okay well if you're leaving guess were gonna have to recast everyone for 'consistency' so i guess all the others have no reason to be kept around anymore-" and its like. a VERY clear threat on the rest of the Suitehearts' lives and Benz fucking freaks out. he backtracks immediately apologizes for speaking out says they can take his research he doesnt care jesus just dont bring them into this they didnt even do anything

so then Sandy and Donnie are like "ohhh What The Fuck :D" and they kinda feel like assholes for making assumptions bc clearly this isnt the first time Benz has been threatened (and its very much implied that blis gone through with last threats when he wasnt compliant) and theyve both already had their own shit building up and their hatred for bli was already basically at the tipping point already so yeah. they confront Benz and Benz tells him that theyd been trying to develop a sort of blocker for bli's pills. something people in the city can take to negate their effects. he didnt even know if it was possible or if he was on the right track with his research but apparently bes gotten close enough to something for bli to have to step in now. and the other two are obviously like ?????? WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN YOU LITERALLY INVENTED A WAY TO FREE PEOPLE FROM BLIS CONTROL WHAT THE SHIT WE HAVE TO HELP YOU SAVE THAT SHIT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

and Benz is all like "well technically idk if ive invented shit yet bc i haven't actually tested the drug on anyone" and the others are like "bet okay you need a test subject? lets yoink Crab". Benz is incredibly fucking against doing that bc Consent and Ethics. he lets it slip that he does have a stash of the drug already made and hidden in his apartment and hes just gonna test the shit on himself but Sandy and Donnie are noooot fucking having it bc "dude. you understand they arent gonna let you go after this right? even if they keep you alive, they are gonna start tightening the reigns and pumping you full of shit and then youre gonna be the one who needs the blockers" and yeah they really do have a point there so Benz agrees to join them on the escape plan theyve been devising (which side note. yeah those two were planning on running away together anyways but thats a different post probably-) and what follows is the most stressful fucking two weeks of all of their lives as they start discreetly gathering the shit theyll need to leave all while having to wrap filming this season and dealing with management watching their every fucking move and making vague ominous comments about "the future of their careers" AND theyre slipping Crab these new fucking pills and having to keep a close eye on them and keep them calm as theyre slowing coming out of their trance and realizing Oh Fuck Im In The City

and then like. it all comes to a head and they very publicly are chased by a bunch of crows in costume bc they end up having to fin in the middle of filming and i havent thought much abt this lart yet so yeah. thats what i spent all of latin thinking abt I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON KAZ <333

[ss-shitstorm]

just so there's no confusion about this :

The grief I was talking about is not a recent loss. I am currently married to an amazing man who understands me and my situation about as well as a human can.

The shit clawing at my goddamn insides like a trapped rat happened 8 years ago.

I had a psychotic break that lasted 2 months(sober, I was just high on abnormal neurochemistry) and somehow for most of that time I managed to act normal enough nobody realized anything was wrong. But EXTREMELY long and disgustingly complicated story short, I full on hallucinated I had a husband and son. I cannot even begin to tell you how completely, utterly and fully these two braided themselves into my awareness. It was as if they'd forever been in my life. They were etched and woven into my IRL memories. They were just…there. They'd always BEEN there.

Eventually my family found me once shit really started hitting the fan and had me hospitalized. Once I was forcibly sedated and given antipsychotics, I slowly snapped out of my delusions and into a reality where they were gone.

These people that were as real to me as the air that I breathe were just gone. No bodies. No funeral. No earthly possessions. Nothing to prove that they'd ever been a part of my reality aside from some rambling, largely incoherent notes left on my laptop.

IDK how to explain what it feels like to have memories of giving birth that aren't real, how hard it is to shut off that voice screaming in your head "WHY ARENT YOU LOOKING FOR YOUR SON? How could you just fucking LEAVE HIM? WHERE'S YOUR BABY GO FIND YOUR BABY." Or what it was like to have a goddamn soulmate that filled up every single last little hole in you, who could see the deepest, ugliest, most naked parts of you and still love you unconditionally because "how could I not?" and know that you'll never, ever be able to feel that again because that's not something you could or should ever expect of another human, but you had it and now it's gone. I don't know how to explain what the fuck it felt like to be given the impossible, to be given everything you never knew you wanted, and have it vanish.

I'd like to say I should have gone to therapy then, but part of me doubts I would have been able to find anyone able to help me, and I certainly wasn't cognizant enough to articulate that I was suffering because I'd stopped being crazy. So instead of healing in any capacity, I just apologized to everyone I upset by being a fucking psycho, went back home to a 40+ hour workweek and smeared the homeless feelings for my missing loved ones over Optimus and Bumblebee writing FP for the next six years.

I don't think there's any meaningful way to recover from being kicked out of heaven. I'm not looking for one. My life now is just footnotes after this experience. What I'm looking for is a way to keep the anguish from physically killing me or destroying what's left of my mind because it wasn't until I got to the footnotes that I was somehow able to start helping others.

Anyways thanks for listening.

[quietwingsinthesky]

What really happened in those episodes between Sam and Hallucifer that we arent privy too? What secrets is Sams subconscious devil saying to him?

God, I loveee to contemplate what hallucifer is up to in the episodes we don’t see him in.

I think I’ve talked before about how much I like him trying to use things that happen with Amy to drive a wedge between them, specifically hallucifer offering his sympathy when Dean punches Sam out in that episode. (One of these days I’ll finish that fic of hallucifer coaxing Sam into getting an icepack for the bruise Dean gave him, constantly reminding Sam how much it hurts by asking him “Is that better? Does it feel better now?” and casting doubt on Dean’s very recent proposal to help Sam tell the difference between reality and his hallucinations like “Well, he saw that pain works. I guess he took that lesson to heart.”) but also, the idea of Sam having this nagging feeling that Dean did not leave well enough alone with Amy personified into the devil on his shoulder bugging him into looking up deaths in the area after they left or reminding him how little Dean has ever trusted him. (And even better, how gleeful hallucifer would be when Sam finds out Dean did go behind his back. Any time that Dean pushes Sam away from him and towards Lucifer is 💋)

Or hallucifer post-Slash Fiction (Sidenote but goddd I want to know what leviathan!sam’s hallucifer was saying. was he grumpy it wasn’t the real Sam?) using that time Dean & Sam are separated to insinuate himself into Sam’s good graces. Who says Repo Man was the first time he helped out on a hunt? We only know it was the first time Sam responded to him, and we also know Sam was working hunts while separated from Dean. (Now, canon says that separation was a week and a half, but I say it should be longer for drama’s sake. Maybe a month of one-on-one Sam & Hallucifer time.)

Okay, okay, last one I swear, (and first of all, if you remember that comment Dean made in Season Seven, Time for a Wedding! about Sam camping by himself in the desert, you neeed to read this fic: outwardly respectable by sheepishlion. Sets the goddamn bar for hallucifer fic, I tell ya.) but anyway! Lucifer during the Becky episode! Specifically! Remember when she had Sam tied to a bed and gagged! He’s still hallucinating during that! I think Lucifer should sit on the bed with him and talk about how ‘maybe he should have just fed Sam love potion, if it’s that easy to get an I do out of him like that’ and lamenting that he would have made a prettier bride (especially with Sam as his dress wink wink) and overall getting way too close to Sam until Becky drugging him again almost seems like a relief <3 (love when Sam has to pick the best of two bad options. So fun for me and not for him at all.)

Other thoughts is Let Us Hear Him Singing, Cowards. We were robbed of Sam trying to sleep in the Impala, nearly getting there, eyes shut, and then Lucifer singing just a litttle too loud for him to fall asleep again. Doesn’t even have to scream the lyrics, Sam’s that wound up.

Lucifer singing Hey, Jude to Sam <3 and in doing so, keeping Sam from falling asleep <3

[aajjks]

this pxssy depressed 😞

mommy issues!JK

wait, he’s not upset? you were sure jungkook was going to be pissed off at you for lying about seol’s paternity but he seems fine. his hand is still tracing your thigh but this time he takes a bolder approach and runs his hand along the length of your leg. oh, he’s so happy that you’re wearing a skirt.

“why arent you touching your margarita? oh yn… look at you, you look hot”

‘AND IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU!!’ you mentally scream. instead, you do as jungkook instructed you and take a swig of the sweet drink. you aren’t sure what jungkook means by ‘long night’ (you do) but you continue to drink the virgin margarita.

“do I make you nervous, pretty girl?”

“y-yes? no! no, of course not. sorry, i don’t know why i was yelling” you laugh awkwardly and jungkook chuckles at your shy demeanor. usually it’s jungkook that stutters and trips over his words while you speak with such confidence but now, those roles are reversed. it’s jungkook who is confident and you who’s tripping over their words.

it’s obvious that you’re nervous to make the first move but no worries. he made sure to give you an extra ‘push’ so everything will go smoothly. “j-jungkook? i…i’m scared” you whisper. “what if i don’t do this right? what if i don’t make you feel good? what if you don’t like what you see? or-or what if—,” you’re rant is interrupted with a soft pair of lips gently placed on yours.

as jungkook continues to kiss you, he reassures you. when he pulls away, his hand comes up to caress your face and your lips before diving in again; drowning in you. the more you both kiss, you find yourself getting hotter, needier, and desperate for your partner’s touch.

“j-jungkook” you pant. “i…”

you bite your lip, unsure of whether or not you should be doing this. you haven’t been with jungkook for longer than a week and you’re already about to screw him/get screwed by him. have you no shame?

“i’m sorry, jungkook. it’s just—what the fuck am i doing? what are WE doing?“ you pull away from jungkook, fix yourself up, and JESUS CHRIST WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUBBORN?! you were so close but anytime he gets a little too close, you just close yourself off.

“i…i do want you, jungkook but i’m scared. it’s like i’m falling but no one is there to catch me. if we don’t work out you have eunwoo, alina, seol, and even your mother to run to. but me? who can i run to when i need love? nobody loves me. not my parents, my sister, chaeyoung, not even myself”

~🫧

Surprisingly, his eyes soften.

Maybe he’s overwhelmed you and now he feels a little bad, “okay yn We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to… we really don’t. And it may look like right now I want to get in your pants and that’s true, partially but I want your heart the most.” Jungkook confesses.

When you tell him that there’s no one to love you, not even yourself it breaks his heart, if only you could see how much he loves you-and how much he will always love you. The love he feels for you overwhelms him.

Jungkook grabs your face in both of his hands “look.. don’t say that you don’t love yourself yn. and God forbid if we don’t work out I’m still going to be there to love you because a part of me will always love you even if you break my heart in the worst way possible.” He confesses the truth and looks at you with you the most passionate loving look in his eyes.

He just wants to show you how much he loves you but maybe if you don’t want that right now it’s completely OK with him. Intimacy is a huge deal and he knows that you haven’t been together for a long time and maybe.. he’s wrong for being so sexual with you.

Maybe there are other ways he could show you how much he loves you. Taking a hint, he backs off. Creating a Distance between you two so you can finally breathe.

“See? I’m always going to be there for you no matter what happens… you have me to run back to because I will always love you.” He says, with genuine intensity. “And.. if not me then… seol is there to always love you.”

“ the truth isn’t you don’t need anybody to love you especially not someone so bad as chaeyoung. You’re a strong, beautiful woman and that’s what makes you so attractive, but there is your vulnerability, which is… so beautiful too.”

He takes a sip of his margarita. ” the truth is that nobody has ever loved me for me… i get why you feel that way because I’ve always been used by people.. maybe my mother is the only one who has ever loved me, but it’s been years since I talked to her..”

“but it doesn’t matter anymore because I got you and I know that you can love me for me because you’re just made that way and you’re like the best person ever.. so please allow me to love you selfishly and selflessly.”