#and the few ppl I do have are just. I feel like I’d tell them and they’d be like I have no idea what to tell u

[gothgamergaara]

I have no idea if I’m some brand of aro or not since I avoided dating or thinking abt it until basically now, I mean I am leaning towards maybe I am idk but basically the guy I’m talking to I’m like. So it’s like the first time I’m talking to someone post grey-ace discovery so I haven’t pretended to be sexually attracted to him and I’m also Not but I also don’t even know if I like him at all?

Everyone I’ve ever had a crush on has been my friend first and then I usually end up sexually attracted to them too (I think, it’s been like five years since the last time), but again I was actively avoiding dating and never pursued these ppl (actually umm. Helped them date other ppl lmao). Like I really should never have gone on a dating app bc it’s like. My worst nightmare. And I feel like this guy is trying to do all this dating stuff that I hear about and I’m just like dude I’m not even ur friend yet why would we do this stuff.. then I just can’t tell if I’m severely debilitatingly awkward or if it’s just me and I actually don’t want to do these things I just think I’m supposed to?

Truly I feel so young in this, like I’m even less experienced than a middle schooler. And like I know I know trans experience etc etc but I just want the answers. I want to know who I am and what I actually want compared to what I think I’m supposed to be and do and want. And this is all so so soooo embarrassing I don’t even know if I can spit it out to my therapist or not who will just be like well what DO you want? How do you see yourself in the future with friends or partners? And that’s the whole point I HAVE NO IDEA! I’ve been lonely and alone and felt like it too as far as I can remember!

[whalehouse1]

When you want to block a character’s tag but know you’ll end up filtering out like 95% of unrelated characters’ tags because they’re one of those that get tagged to have it seen more.

[strawberryvanillafrosting]

success life story ♡

heyy i'm here to share about my success story, the beginning is only before i started manifesting and about when i just started, all my success are on the very end of the blog, so feel free to skip directly at it if you're not interest by all the rambling !

have a good read ☆

michiko is so pretty, i've literally been told so many times i looked liker <3

the old story that i don’t live in anymore

okay so before i didn’t hate my life, at all, but i just found very dull and so poor of entertaining like it was just too fucking regular and repetitive.also a bit depressing. i thought of myself of such an unlucky girl before and i was like affirming all the fucking time that i was unlucky and guess what? everything really used to go the way i didn’t want it to go every single damn time and i’d be like i knew it im so unlucky boo-hoo.

same for the money i would just go every single fucking day rambling to my friends how poor i was and how i wanted money so bad and the same story every single fucking for days, weeks, months.

i really wanted a new appartement and my own room cause i used to share same room as my sister and it really was getting on my nerves, i had no privacy and place for myself. the apartment was small, my mum always kept complaining about it and then she would argue about my dad about it but the reason why we couldn’t move out despite trying for several months was cause my dad had whole lotta debts and my mom had a really low paying and hard job she was exhausted and, it was quiet hard to see them being this unhappy and they still tried their hardest to make us happy so i really wanted to get back at them.

about social life i had very few friends and barely went out, i'd say probably one time a month. and i really wanted to get that life of the party, and those big ass friends group and also i was crazy desperate about having black friends cause i am black and literally the only black out here without none of black friends and i felt pretty left out like wtf am i the only black girl with no black friends cause all of them (that's so dumb tho.. ) were friends and gets invited to the most fun hangouts and i was embarrassingly jealous of that and also complained a lot about it…and kept asking tf was wrong with me.

STRONGLY on this one : i wanted a relationship so bad and i kept hating and being sad to those couple on tiktok’s. one time i actually cried cuz i wanted a boys’s love so bad like i was craving it so bad. i was in such despair state before..cringy ahh ☠️

i used to be rlly insecure about my looks too even tho at some moments i felt more confident, i kept comparing myself and waisting dozens of minutes enumerating my "flaws ". i knew about manifestation but not really about law of assumption , for me manifesting was really all about listening to subliminals, method and scripting. we all once knew that phase yeah? i used to manifest from time to time but then would just give up again,since i was not seeing results and so on. so useful wow.and then there’s the others things like mediocre grades, poor family health, just constant tiredness and fatigue feeling,

tw : mention of being depressed,sh,ed, : felt empty like life had absolutely no meaning, suicidal thoughts, tried to end by over-consumption of medication, self-harm and bulimia, constant complaining and NEGATIVE ONLY mindset.

but now, NOW i tell you ever single thing i’ve just listed changed completely like every single damn thing i’ve just listed is no more, it’s out of the date, dead, buried and no longer existing !

it clicked

then at some point at my life i was just like. yk what? fuck i just wanna change it all. then i really like really  got into it all over again and for good. no more 1 week i try then giving up cause i ain’t seeing no « results ».

i watched hours and hours of ppl talking about loa (i’m not saying you should do this at all it’s just that i was very under-informed and wanted to know everything about loa)on youtube, shoutout to rita kaminski and hyler who really put me into it and informed me. then i started reading neville’s pdf books, and tumblr blogs, kinda overconsuming but i liked getting myself informed.

and then that’s where everything started and that i got aware of all the power i actually hold. all the things i actually can do just cause of my mind. i wrote down all my wishes in present tense ,like every single aspect i wanted to change/have in my life. and i started fully living in the end like really got myself into and at first of course, wavering from time to time in the beginning. it was pretty easy for me since i was used to manifestation.but what i didn’t do before is persist no matter what and that’s what was really tricky for me in the beginning to persist no matter what and not just give up to bullshit 3D. but when i kept moving forward no matter the 3D and made it facts the only my 4D matters and everything has already happened, ALL and every single wish down to the last one flowed into my life. ONE by ONE every single hour of the day i would get my manifestations down to the last letter i wrote in my notes.every single thing

success storyy

in a matter of few weeks like really 3 week-ish like- 1 month max.

starting off LUCK i’m extremely lucky now every single time i play gambling activities i win. i’ve won insane amounts at scratch cards i think i’ve won in total more than 5’000$. JUST FROM SCRATCH CARDS.and before i started i NEVER EVER WON. now whenever i play there’s not one time that i’ll win absolutely nothing even just a small prize

won huge lottery prize (from 200 to 12k the biggest i’ve won yet)

winning a gambling games, either online or dice rolling luck,bets, bingos etc.. its literally insane every one keep telling that i literally has got god’s blessing (i’m the god guys🥰)

financially freedom, my parents upgraded jobs and i’ve got lots of incomes + the money my parents give me 

all the debts my dad had, he got rid of ALL of them and when i tell you mf had a lot of em☠️

move out in a new huge ass condo which is a duplex (like really like i wrote it it’s actually scary how powerful we are..) I’VE FINALLY GOT MY OWN ROOM and we’re getting my desired furnitures and decorating the house i’m so grateful

friends and popularity i think biggest shock for me is really this. like my social life has gone from very paisible to completely fully booked and passioning life. like seriously i’ve been to more parties, concerts, birthdays, and hangouts during the last 2 weeks holidays than in my entire life

got lot of new friends, healthy relationships and quality time passed on lots of fun activities and sm memories

black groups friend. WITH AN S.so thankful to myself to be this good a manifestation i litteraly got into a black friend group of girls and i’ve never felt more at my place and understood this much. and these girls know the black group boys (when i tell you that 2y ago they were the person that i wanted to be close with so bad..also they’re really hot and funny lol)so we hung out with them and i was literally so highlighted and became pretty much friends with all of them !! 

my man. HELLO I LITERALLY MANIFESTED MY DREAM RELATIONSHIP? when i met him i didn’t actually realize right on the spot that he was exactly how i wanted him to be and reading back to when i scripted out all the things i wanted at the beginning, everything matched. he’s literally physically and mentally the man of my dream LIKE REALLY. we’re no bf and gf YET cause it’s just a little soon but we see each others super often and we have the best relationship ever i swear it’s giving wattpad. the flirting is crazyyy.

dream bod.from head to toe my desired body. heavy on the lower body all for that azz and wide hips.ive got smooth and clear skin and smell good all the time!! litteraly flawless face + got my braces which suits so much and dimples

plenty of vacations (went to ibiza, usa and dubai )

lenient parents they use to be so strict before i swear its crazy they let me go so easily now, i can hangout without asking 3 days ,like they accept even if i've gotta go in the next hour or if wanna go on trip that's in another country. i can come back home so much later too

attractive & magnetic aura + being really charismatic (everyone i met keep telling me i’ve got this thing that really makes them want me, get closer to me)

good grades without doing much

perfect self-concept - as i kept living 24/7 in the state of wish fulfilled, my self concept only got better making me really know what i’m worth and never wavering/ going back to the old story

whole ass pc set up

all of my desired skincare/makeups/shoes/clothes

and so much more...

outro

i hope y'all liked my blog and that it motivated some of you to NEVER GIVE UP cause y'all are reallyy some powerful mfs and y'all already got all of yours desires !!

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ honey kisses, shayama

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

🎈emoji so I’ll see it:

AITA FOR NOT HUGGING AN AUTISTIC KID? (Long read ahead)

ok so I’m a middle schooler (M), yes I’m 14 (old enough to be on the site) and today we were doing some end of year activities (eg. signing yearbooks, playing games, etc etc). And I was talking to a friend of mine we’ll call her V. Suddenly I was approached by a teacher who said that a kid (let’s say Jessica) wanted to talk to me. I was like “oh ok sure.” Jesica approached me and brought me a card. Now some background on Jessica:

So Jessica is autistic and in all different classes than me. I’ve interacted with her a few times, she seems to have some friends? I don’t really know. In the past I tried to be her friend not knowing she was autistic (this is the possibly asshole part) but her behavior was really strange as she would often say odd things that made me uncomfortable (not perverted or anything but just really awkward) and would really kinda creep me out so once my class with her was over I never spoke to her unless she initiated it which only happened once or twice. Another thing that really bothers me is that I co-lead our showchoir group with V and another student and it’s a difficult job that requires a lot of participation and effort from all the members. Yet Jessica hardly ever does anything, she just sits in a chair half the time while everyone else is working hard. I know that it’s a spectrum and not all autistic ppl are the same but there’s two other autistic dudes who both work super hard and help out a ton!

Anyway she insisted that it had to be a surprise and told me to close my eyes and put out my hands. I absolutely hate closing my eyes in public due to the worry that someone will touch me while my eyes are closed but I didn’t wanna upset her so I did it anyway. When I opened my eyes she’d placed a folded over piece of paper in my hands. She’d written a card in pink magic marker, it was almost illegible so all I could make out was “my full name and grade, the date, summer (have a good summer?), and school. She asked me to read it out loud so I mumbled a bunch of sounds together to make it seem like I was reading it even though I couldn’t tell what it said on account of the handwriting. She seemed satisfied so I thanked her telling her how much I appreciated and moved to leave when she said “and what do we say?” Confused I said “thank you”. I think that was the right answer? She then put out a hand toward me which is a pretty normal gesture in our school meaning you want the other person to dap you up. So I did, to which she seemed confused and tried to shake my hand. She then said “don’t I get a hug? You have to hug me right?” I HATE hugs. It brings back traumatic memories and I really really could not bring myself to hug her epesecially since I didn’t know her well. “I told her I’m sorry but I don’t do hugs. I just really don’t like them.” She looked disappointed at that and then said “that was really sweet of me right, writing you a letter?” I didn’t know how to reply to that so I said “yeah it’s great.” She replied saying I had to right her back and that I should “write it at home and give it to her the next day”. Knowing I’d forget, I just grabbed a piece of paper and wrote it to her right there. It was a simple paragraph on a different sheet of paper with the usual stuff, “have a good summer, you’re really cool, good luck in hs” the kind of stuff you write in someone’s yearbook. she seemed satisfied and she put her hand out again so I dapped her up again. She then shook my hand vigorously and walked away saying she’d see my tommorow.

I hated everything about this encounter but I still feel like I did a good job being nice and stuff even though I have a hard time being patient with people that pressure me to do things (eg. Writing her another letter, hugging, affirming her over and over, the handshake thing). Idk V said it was a strange situation and I handled it fine but again was not hugging her bad of me? Or like did I mess up in some other way? I have no beef with autistic people at all and I’m friends with a few of them but is it wrong of me to just not like her?

Also thanks for reading all that but if it was too long:

TLDR: autistic girl wanted me to hug her as thanks for her writing me a letter and I declined, aita?

[fallenclan]

I’d like to give a little constructive criticism regarding your portrayal of blind cats. We don’t really like it when cartoon depictions have their characters w white or milky eyes. Ppl seem to think that’s what it looks like when you’re blind, but in reality many ppl struggle to tell the different betweens sighted person and a blind person. The “cloudy” gaze trope for blind ppl often affects us negatively, as ppl think they’ve “caught” us lying abt our disability if they can’t see any white or cloudiness. Another thing, is very few of us are 100% blind. We often have a tiny bit of sight, like light or movement. (Often negligible, but enough that we would flinch at certain things.) the trope that we can’t see at all is another one that is detrimental, as ppl will wave their hands or snap or clap in our faces and think we will just. not react.

Lastly, and this goes double for ppl who were sighted for a significant period but are blind from an accident or illness, we actually do track faces with our eyes! A lot of art will depict us staring blankly ahead, sometimes not even moving our head toward the sound. The truth is, we can track with our eyes! We do not lose movement ability in our eyeballs lol. Even for those of us blind from birth, we can learn to track ppl and things with our eyes! (It often makes sighted ppl feel better, but as previously stated, some of us still have some useable function of sight, and it can be used to some degree!) And even if we don’t move our eyes, we will pretty much always move our head toward the sound.

This is not offered with any ill will, just by someone who would like to see some more accurate representation of my disability! I hope this helps a little. If you would like to maybe read a bit more on how to portray blindness from blind ppl themselves, the blogs blindbeta and cripplecharacters offer many resources and tips! Thanks for reading :) (smiley face)

thank you for the constructive criticism!! i read over this thoroughly and i hope to implement some of your suggestions into my drawings from now on, and to check out those blogs you mentioned!

i will say that I specifically was depicting Littleleaf and Crowflame with milkier eyes because their blindness was due to scarring, which I know often causes that clouded over look. If they had been born blind/gone blind naturally, I probably wouldn't have drawn them as such. if this is still an issue though, let me know! i just wanted to clarify lol

[rotten-corpses-blog]

hi!! i saw u were taking requests and i thought i’d pop in 4 a bit :D

so!! yandere!jason dean x trad goth!reader where reader steals jd’s duster jacket (i think thats what it is? or a trench coat but i’ve heard ppl say its a duster jacket) because why get ur own when u can steal it from ur bf, but jd ends up getting really h0rny because reader is wearing his clothes and when they get to reader’s house he rails reader while keeping her in his duster jacket/trench coat and being super possessive :) and if ur okay with it could u have overstim, degrading, praise, and marking kinks :D ok thank u bye!!!

(also u don’t have to do this if u don’t wanna!! just reply and tell me pls :D)

Hello! I honestly didn't see this, i'm so sorry! I call it a trench coat, idk what it would actually be called... I took some stuff out, I hope you still like it! (I think it sucks, lol)

Content warning: Smut ofc, degradation and marking kinks, Oral (male receiving),

You and JD were hanging out at his house, watching TV and just enjoying each other's company. JD had gotten up to go do something when you noticed that he left his trench coat.

The good thing about having a boyfriend with a similar style to yours is that you’ll never have to buy your own trench coat! You giggled to yourself as you slipped the large black coat over your own outfit; it was warm and cozy and smelled like JD. “What are you doing?” you jumped and turned around looking in JD’s direction. “Uhhh, I just wanted to try on your coat. I'll take it off if you want me too…” you mumbled, “No, keep it on, it looks cute.” you don’t know what made you blush more, his comment or the fact JD is pressing himself into you. You moaned as JD started to kiss and suck on your neck. “God, you look so fuckable in my coat; and you're all mine.” JD growled in your ear. You felt like your voice had left you, you could only moan and whine for the man currently marking your neck with hickeys. JD spun you around so you face him, then grabbed your face and kissed your lips. “Look at you, can’t even speak now. Don’t worry, sluts don’t have to talk.” jD said, he then pushed you onto your knees. “Suck my cock whore.” Doing what he asked, you pulled off his pants and boxers, as soon as you got them down his cock sprang to life right in front of your face. You took the tip in and gave a few sucks before JD slammed himself into your mouth. You moaned and choked around his cock as he started to facefuck you. “Take this cock whore, god you were made for me.” JD moaned as thrusted faster and faster.  You felt your mouth starting to give out, you must look so pathetic right now. The tip of JD’s cock slammed into the back of your throat, making you cough and gargle around him. JD moaned at the feeling, you felt him get sloppy with his thrusts and his breath started to become more ragged. Without any warning, JD came down your throat. “Swallow bitch” JD commanded. You swallowed the salty liquid after he pulled out. JD picked you up in his arms and put you down on the bed and wrapped you in his arms. Maybe, you should wear his coat more often.

[leejenowrld]

Hi love, I just wanted to pop by and say how much I loved My First and Last. It’s been a while since I really felt satisfied after reading a fic <3 I also think it’s cute how you’re allowing us readers to explore more into Jeno & y/n’s relationship! I do hope one day you’ll create a master list so it’ll be easier for us to get back to them since I know you’ll be creating a bunch of one-shots and responding to scenario requests. If it’s not too much to ask, I’d really like to see how Jeno cares for her when she has a moment of insecurity/anxiety attack (.◜◡◝) Thank you for blessing us with this fic once again, I’m looking very forward to reading more from you!!

heyyy!! thank you so so so much !!!! glad you enjoyed it. and same <3333

tumblr has shadowbanned me so i’m very upset and madraww and frustrated but i’ll let you know how jeno reacts are to her anxiety :) if you want an actual one shot of it i’m sure to do it in the future (when i’m not shadow banned)

so for yn it does happen quite regularly, she gets very stressed and doesn’t deal well with pressure or when she’s under pressure. a few times jeno can sense she’s gonna have a panic attack (cus he knows her really well, like the back of his hand) and it’s really fucking sweet he is able to prevent it before it happens :(( it’s like a magic power of love. he does this by calming her down before her nerves can take over, he’ll comfort her and reassure her that everyone will be ok :(( he’ll use reasoning, like for example she used to stress a lot about assignments and exams and he’d just point out the facts to her, eg you’ve done so much revision, you never fail anything, and it works !! he helps the issue get to the back of her mind. and an easy one, lmao he just kisses her and holds her, she forgets everything and the world melts around lol

but when it does happen. and it does. so if he’s not there she’ll call him over or text him and he comes asap, he drops everything and goes over to his girl immediately.

he’ll immediately bring her into his arms and just holds her close, the warmth of his body and his heart beat against hers helps her loads. he also likes to trace soft patterns on her back with his fingers

a kiss on her temple or forehead, whispers of sweet affirmation

he creates a nice environment, dimming the lights, lighting a few candles, and playing her favourite songs

his gf is a psychology major so ofc he knows a few breathing exercises and stuff like that! he will guide her through synchronized breathing, his breath aligning with hers, a way of him telling her that he will always be there for her

he lights her fav candle and scents

he just listens! like he fr just nods and hums as she explains herself. she tends to ramble and sometimes not make a lot of sense because ppl can get like that when they’re feeling a lot but he never shows that he doesn’t understand her point :(( he just listens to her and makes her feel heard. and also if she isn’t making sense, because he knows her so well he can always understand what her point is, he helps her articulate her feelings, he’ll be like “oh so you mean this”

he alsoooo will help her do what’s right. like say she’s stressed cus she’s arguing with her friend, he’ll listen to her and make her feel understood (cus she always is in the right lol like my girl never does no harm, she doesn’t cause any shit)

their communication got iffy in the one shot but now it’s one of their strengths :D

[pineapplerightsideupcake]

how do you as a bisexual come to terms with the fact that the trans community has literally made homophobia much worse. ppl are proudly being openly homophobic and when you dig deeper it’s actually the “queers” and transgenders who think kids can transition who they have a problem with (not all of course but a good chunk) I believe ppl who wouldn’t otherwise be homophobic are being homophobic bc of the trans community. I use to really struggle w internalized homophobia, and still do, it was only this past year where I came to terms w it and told my sister/close friends. I wish it could be just a normal thing to be gay and you’d be left alone, I believe we were on a trajectory for that. But now things have gotten worse, and thanks to the gender nonsense, openly bigoted ppl (especially religious) are being praised and promoted. All this bc of trans activism. I don’t even care anymore about what they do to themselves, but the damage they’ve done to actual gay ppl is insane and we’re already facing the backlash. I’m not sure if we’ll ever live in a world where being lgb isn’t a big deal.

Honestly? I think the benefit of pushing 40 is that I have a wider lens through which to view activism. And I feel the same way about LGB rights as I do about women’s rights.

Which is to say, every time a big gain is won, there is backlash. There are parts of society that get worse as the culture tries desperately to adjust around the new changes.

Men today are more porn sick and sexually aggressive than 20 years ago. In some ways. People are polling less positively about the LGTBQI+ but how much of that backlash is really directed at the LGB? Are polling groups even bothering to distinguish between LGB and “queer” people?

Let me tell you what life was like as a bisexual teen in 2003. Let’s go back 20 years and I can tell you the world has changed so much for the better. 20 years ago gay rights activists started really making headway towards civil rights guarantees. Suddenly middle Americans had to confront that gay people were among them and not just haunting bars and bathhouses. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such rigid gender norm adherence as I did back then. Men couldn’t wear pastels or purple or pink. Guys got called gay for having a messenger bag. There is an entire episode of “Friends” about it. Sussing out the Gays Among Us became obsessive. Emo culture was a direct response to how frantic straight people were to appear duly heterosexual. TV shows still depicted us as degenerate freaks if they depicted us at all. A few HBO shows that were soft core porn more than anything and Will and Grace was all anybody had. Shows like Xena and Buffy got away with lesbians because men said out loud that hot women kissing was fine. These were the early days of straight men having open lesbian fetishizes. We couldn’t get married. We could get fired for being gay.

For women there was no movement to normalize our natural bodies. I’d spend hours shaving myself smooth. Not wearing makeup was unheard of. Cellulite wasn’t even a word I knew let alone knew was normal. There weren’t a million online resources teaching women that vaginal discharge is normal and I grew up thinking (as did many others) that it was a private shame.

And as far as MeToo stuff? It’s easy to feel defeated in the moment but nobody was using the word ‘consent’ in my day. Men getting women drunk was a joke. Men pushing for sex was a joke. Men calling a woman that had one too many dates or boyfriends a slut was normal. Three of my male friends pinned me down on several occasions and took turns rubbing their dicks on me to completion.

The therapist I told said I “needed to work on my boundaries”. The word rape never even entered my mind. Rape was something a stranger with a knife did. It wasn’t something your best friends did to you and then laughed about. It isn’t something you submitted to because fawn and freeze are real fear responses. No one told me my friend forcing my hand down his pants was abuse because I continued to go over his house, didn’t I? No one told me about red flags or cycles of abuse.

And the older women you told rolled their eyes. What I endured was so mild compared to many other women. Men forcing themselves onto women was just normal.

I can’t tell you what it means to me to see so many young women calling it out. Refusing to stay in a bad situation. Refusing to date entirely sometimes. Women sharing red flags and advice to stay not just safe but thriving.

Don’t get me wrong- the current gender movement is regressive and dangerous. I’m not saying it’ll all work itself out. Activism is constant work but things ARE getting better. They really are, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. 💜

[celestie0]

a note on asking for updates

hellooo im sorry to have to make this post but i’ve been getting quite a few asks recently that have been asking me to update for kickoff and i just want to share that i don’t really enjoy receiving those sorts of asks :””) it is a part of my blog’s rules to not ask for updates, and it’s also stated that i don’t have any update schedule for my fics, but i will try to make this a bit more clear in the following:

please do not ask me when i will be uploading chapters, i’ve got no clue

please do not ask me if i’m done with chapters or for my progress on them

please do not tell me or demand me to update (yes even saying ‘please’ still feels like a demand for updates to me)

i’ve talked about this briefly on my blog before, but receiving these sorts of asks is upsetting for me n tend to make me anxious about my writing process. it takes me hours of my own personal time to write chapters, but it feels very shallow n disheartening to receive asks such as “update pls bc i can’t wait”…

my simple answer to any of those asks is

i’ve got no clue when i will update! i try not to give estimates bc deadlines or trying to stick to a schedule will only give me writer’s block n anxiety. the only time i’ll give a direct estimate is when i’ve officially queued a chapter. while i’d be flattered to hear you’re looking forward to updates, i don’t find it kind when ppl pressure me for them.

now if you’re wondering “i don’t think i’ve seen other authors have an issue with this tho 🤔” i really can’t explain why i feel pressured by these sorts of asks, but it’s just how i feel and so therefore it’s valid.

anyways, thank you for your continued patience!! i love interacting w everyone sm and the asks ive been recieving lately have been so lovely n motivational n some have brought me to legit tears i love u guys lots :”) just wanted to bring this specific rule up again because i know i’ve gotten new readers recently, and this rule is really important to me for my blog. thank you!!

[gatheringbones]

genuine question: how do you stand the loneliness? i'm in my mid 20s and ive never been loved in a way that didnt hurt. i dont want to have to run after ppl begging for the smallest scrap of affection anymore but i keep turning up ppl who, even though they are interested in me and seem generally decent, arent ready to lower their walls and let me in, so its either that or nothing, and im so fucking lonely. i try to bury myself in work and going out as much as i can, but sometimes it hits me, and i dont know how to stand it anymore. i just want to be able to be kind to someone and treat them with all the love and affection i have, and not have to guard myself at the same time or be afraid of them or feel like i can never be sure with them. i think you've been lonely like that for a long time, too, and i dont have anyone who understands. i know the only advice you can give is probably "endure and continue to have self respect", but i dont know how to do that without also becoming small, and sad, and worn out from all the loneliness. if there's anything you can think of that helped you get through it, please tell me--i dont want to burden or overwhelm you, but i dont know what to do anymore, and like i said, you seem like you've survived a couple of those sorts of droughts and i dont have anyone else to talk to about this

so on those first few early dates with c when she was either driving an hour up north or I was taking the bus two hours down to see her, I was so rattled by the experience of building intimacy with someone else that I couldn’t really think of what we ought to do with each other on our dates. In the end I decided: we would just do what I ordinarily did to build intimacy with myself, which meant taking lots of long walks all over residential seattle. and I’d been living there for over ten years at that point, getting around either by walking or by bus. before that I’d lived in the sticks. before that I’d lived in the part of the sticks that wasn’t connected to the power grid. my earliest memories are long lonely walks. long lonely walks were my primary coping mechanism for debilitating post traumatic stress and survivor’s guilt. and with c it was wild because. it was exactly like going on these walks with myself, only I was more of myself and these walks were more of what they were. what’s more the internal map of the city I had built in my feet over a decade was suddenly of use. all of the time and neurons I had put into building it were relevant to the present situation.

i packed a backpack once. water and a cheeseboard with a little cheese knife and a can of prosecco and a can of kirin for c and lots of little cheeses and salamis and fruits and veggies and chocolate almonds. And I took c on a long meandering walk that I knew from memory; fremont to the crown hill cemetery to the stairs leading down to golden gardens to the beach at sunset. all places I’d been by myself and taken my friends to before. places I’d taken myself to after packing myself a snack and bringing my journal and quite literally staring across the water at a home that would kill me if I ever returned to it. all that time mattered. the time I had spent in that place making those friendships and mourning that life and building that intimacy with myself and the city mattered.

All the years before— giving, giving, gifts to those who could not care, would not give back. How well we made a feast together. Those years of waste were over.

[royalbilliards]

i would LOVE to hear your opinion on maruki's therapy bc i see a lot of ppl saying he sucked as a therapist and i've never seen one so i can't really say anything with certainty...... but idk, i want joker to have at least an okay therapist just because it's a nice touch. also i think it's more satisfying narratively when maruki is someone joker can lean on for support and get attached to, but then has to oppose because shitty actualization. idk. pathetic wet man makes me go brrrrrr

Welcome to the autism zone.

So a lot of my thoughts on maruki’s therapy comes from my own experiences with a therapist in the past (I’m trying to get a new one right now) but. A lot of what Maruki’s ‘confidant perks’ and what they’re called suggest he’s giving Joker treatment for anxiety and depression, which makes a lot of sense given the way he acts in public outside of the joker persona, and the situation he’s in at Shujin (being bullied, for lack of a better term because it’s 5 am and I just woke up, and ostracised due to Kamoshida spilling his criminal record).

Practices like mindfulness and wakefulness sound like bullshit when you first have to start them, mostly because of the names, but the practices themselves are grounding techniques, being able to be present in your body, aware of your surroundings, and not letting yourself spiral via panic or depression and stuff. Detox is a term for drug addiction and alcoholism rehab, they’re not exactly practices we know Joker needs help with, but they’re most likely preventative measures, so that he doesn’t go Down those paths BECAUSE of his situation, which honestly makes sense, depression, anxiety, bullying from peers and the rest of it, including his criminal record and the way Japan treats students with criminal records, it makes sense that Joker could have easily gone down those routes if he didn’t have his friends and the metaverse to blow off steam and have an outlet for his emotions that he isn’t allowed to have in his day to day life. Flow is also a form of therapy treatment for handling depression, and mostly focus’ on capturing moments of positive mental states and allowing yourself to be completely focused and involved in Enjoyable activities that make you happy.

Because all of these therapy treatments that we get named from his confidant perks are Real therapy treatments that both Work and are widely used to treat specific mental health problems (Depression, Anxiety and Self-worth) we get both an insight into how Joker is actually feeling about things outside of what he shows and how useful these techniques are in his actual day to day life, because he’s using them to handle stressful situations in the metaverse.

There’s also the fact that Before everything, and AFTER everything, Joker doesn’t seem to hold much animosity towards Maruki, yes Akechi does and he’s Totally allowed to hate him, but neither Yoshizawa or Joker do, when Yoshizawa is more than justified in being angry and frustrated with him. And it might just be due to the abysmal lack of characterisation Yoshizawa gets, but mostly she seems like she too, like Joker, WANTS to help him, because we know that Maruki himself struggles with Self-worth problems, delusions of grandeur, a messiah complex (in both definitions of the term) anxiety and depression (along with a few other spicier things I don’t feel like mentioning because I’d need to bring up the psa’s on how demonised disorders need to be treated with respect since no one can do that on the internet). But there doesn’t seem to Be animosity between the three of them. Mostly just worry about someone they both cared about, and trusted.

There’s also the fact that, Jokers interactions with Maruki do not End After you help him with his research, we’re just cut off from the interaction at that point, because Joker in canon is explaining to Sae other more important things, he probably doesn’t feel the need to tell her the confidential therapy treatment he’s receiving at school. Their interaction continues, we get a fade to black, so it’s obvious he is getting actual therapy treatment, but Maruki has probably picked up on Jokers earth shattering savior complex and is easing him into the idea of therapeutic treatment by having him assist in his research, so Joker is more inclined to accept the help, since it’s a Transaction to Joker. If Maruki had more time to be Jokers therapist, and I assume he would have at some point Offered to continue his work as Jokers therapist after his tenure at Shujin ending, he would have eventually been able to work on that with Joker, and weaned him off Needing to help people all the time, and viewing social interactions as a transactional thing.

Anyways, yeah, I don’t think Maruki is a bad therapist outside of the horrors, I think people just don’t think about it because it isn’t spoon fed to them in a social link interaction, which is where the assumption that he’s Only using Joker as a sounding board comes from. But what would I know I just did media studies and have a special interest in analysing media, SHRUG

[miseryoforpheus]

intro post <3

Hey there!

Im Jamie and my pronouns are They/She/he

Im a neurospicy minor (but I will swear and also am fine being moots with/talking to adults as long as no one is a creep to me it’s all good)

Uhhh welcome to my online diary :|

Happy to make friends if u want - feel free to DM me

online diary blog w lots of Neil Gaiman reblogs bc he’s my idol

Fun facts about me:

Umm ok (trying to think of fun facts now)

Im Italian but grew up in England, would love some more Italian moots <3

my favourite authors are Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett (but it’s been like that since before I read good omens lmao) also Rick Riordan and Alice Oseman

certified gravity falls child

if u couldn’t tell by the URL I’m obsessed with Greek and Roman mythology

nostalgic for a time I wasn’t even alive - late 80s and early 90s mainly but also like 70s

nostalgic for a time I WAS alive (barely but it still counts bc I do remember it) - the late 2000s

I did a quiz to see what Beatles band member I’d be and got Paul Mcartney

damn u rlly don’t realise how boring u r till u try and do an about me huh

Music I like:

Hozier, Olivia Rodrigo, Conan Gray, Harry Styles, YUNGBLUD, Beatles, Elton John, Queen, Renée Rapp, TV girl, bears in trees, Ricky Montgomery, NOAHFINNCE, MARINA, Fleetwood Mac

getting into:

Nirvana [used to love them a few years ago but then a mean girl made fun of me for it so I stopped listening to them but I’m starting again]

Dominic Fike Paramore

mother mother

MCR

the neighbourhood

The tags I will use:

Jamie answers asks - u guessed it this is for answering any asks

the most boring soap opera - my life stuff because my life is the most boring soap opera

MOTD - mood of the day which is just a lil thing I do

for the record:

I stand with Palestine 🇵🇸

please click here every day:

also free Ukraine 🇺🇦

aro and ace people are LGBTQ+ and this is an aro and ace and aroace safe blog

in general this is a COMPLETELY safe space

if u want anyone to talk to btw I’m always here to chat, can’t guarantee i’ll be able to help but I am always willing to listen literally any time we don’t even have to be moots or anything just DM me ok? Ily all take care of yourselves ok loves? <3

Also one last thing just for ppl that know me, I have no problem with u following this blog or anything but be warned that I’m not gonna filter my opinion at all on here bc I need a place to be myself and if u don’t want to see that i understand and idm just pls don’t take it as a personal attack or anything if u ever think something I post relates to you, I promise it’s not I just need to vent <3

My MOTD ratings:

0-2 > feeling really really really shitty

3-4 > shitty like I have too much sadness and anger and everything inside me and it feels horrible and yeah yk [reckless behaviour is strong here for me + pretty strong intrusive thoughts]

5 > normal. Numb. Yucky. Normal level of intrusive thoughts [for me at least, everyone is different]

6-7 > smol happy, probably was a bad day that got better

7-8 > :D

9-10 > fucking ecstatic

[dreamwinged]

tbh i do think all the guilt/feelings of inadequacy that i have surrounding myself selfshipping stem from the fact that i keep my f/os secret but simultaneously i don’t think i’d ever be comfortable revealing them entirely so it’s kinda just a sucky situation overall :/ i wish i wasn’t like this like . it makes me feel like they’d think im ashamed of them or something , and that im not as valid/good as everyone else in the community bc i can’t be loud about how i love but like im just so scared of getting hurt somehow and that’s all it is but it still makes me feel so bad . sigh 😭😭😭 i rly hope it’s not annoying or strange to u guys , i kinda always feel bad abt it whenever i post bc it’s like so vague and stuff but 😔 telling more than a few ppl at a time just makes me so scared idk i don’t think i could do it ever and im sorry about that

[thrashkink-coven]

are we just gonna ignore how jewish ppl said not to mess with lilith and that u used a racist ass font or

Ignore? No. Understand and take into account? Definitely.

I’ve already made a very long post about the topic of Lilith being closed to Judaism, so I won’t waste your time with an explanation I’ve already provided and you’ve probably already read. If you haven’t read it and you want to know more, here are a few posts where I talk about her in more detail:

If you are Jewish and/or know of a Jewish person who feels offended by my personal practice then I’d be more than happy to hear them/or you out. But if you aren’t jewish, and you don’t have real world examples of these “jewish people who said not to mess with Lilith”, (Jew witches? Or people of the Jewish religion? Because Jews wouldn’t encourage anyone to work with Lilith… or Astaroth… or Azazel… or Stolas… because they are demons - according to that religion - and… not God. So… yes, they probably would tell me not to “mess” with Lilith… because that would be a sin ???)

-then I’m not entirely sure why you feel comfortable speaking on the behalf of Jewish people.

and idk what you’re referring to when you say a “racist ass font” I have no context for this.

[twotitsjohndecaon]

Brighton Rock | Tarry with Me Pray

Here's part two!!! Srry I keep not posting these parts, I keep getting sad and unable to do anything. But that's not what this is about. This is about that mountain dew babiesssss. Lemme know what y'all think I mean if you want and I hope ppl like/are liking this and I'll try not to wait so long posting the next one :)

Word Count: 4.5k

Warnings: tbh I don't remember anything that happens in this. But casual drinking probably and swearing and definitely dirty shit. Sexxxxy timezz 18+++ def. No one under that age I mean it. Maybe a bit of emotional manipulation,??? extended family moments.

The next morning you were far away, preoccupied with something during the full-English. That’s what it looked like to your family. And it was true, though not with anything bad, but definitely with something intense. You couldn’t stop thinking about your night with Brian. You wondered if it was going to be a one time thing, if you’d ever see him again, but mostly just how incredible it was. You reflected on all of your moments together, how something so fleeting could have met into a fire like that. You’d seen him on the beach. You’d seen him in the shop, in the foyer, arcade, at the bar, and then in his room. All of it was so quick, interrupted, and under some sort of haze or magic and you wished to see him level headed. But that might be a pipe dream more than anything. 

Your family finished up breakfast and then took a walk around the markets on Kensington Garden. You could tell your aunt and uncle found it a bit overwhelming, and Julie was very in to the fact it was so “young and hip.” You liked them too, though preoccupied, you liked the handmade feel of everything. You all split up at some point, Julie dipping into some record shop, your aunt and uncle staying outside to comfort the baby, and you poking in thrift shops here and there. And then you saw him again.

He smiled the most damned beautiful smile there probably ever was, his teeth poking out a bit, and quickly made his way towards you and grabbed your wrist. You had smiled uncontrollably when you saw him again too, but you snapped to your senses a bit once he grabbed you. You quickly looked around. 

“Family?” he asked of your worry, to which you nodded. He nodded as well and gave a more reassuring smile and looked over his shoulder. “C’mere,” he said softly, taking your hand and leading you into one of the shops nearby. It was covered floor to ceiling in T. Rex posters, and you figured it’d be a music shop, but inside was more like a treasure trove full of clothes, trinkets, and anything from old ages. The interior was winding, several floors with ladders and spiral staircases to lead you up, and tchotchkes were piled high with no rhyme or reason. Brian took you to the middle of the shop where you both were hidden just amongst yourselves. You smiled once more. You couldn’t help it.

“Better?” he asked. You smiled and nodded.

“How’d you know I’d be here?”

“Coincidence,” he said. You raised your brow skeptically, not believing a word of it. “I’m serious,” he reiterated. You still didn’t believe him, but he moved on. “I’m glad to see you again,”

“Me too,” you admitted.

“It was good. Very good. For me at least.” “For me too.”

“I didn’t get a chance to tell you before.”

“It’s ok,” you said.

“Well, uhm—“ he paused. “I wish I could spend more time with you. More than a few minutes at a time. Just something proper,” he said, his eyes darkening at this admittance, or maybe at the thought of what he could do with more time.

“Oh, give yourself some credit, that was at least five minutes,” you joked. He snickered out of politeness, but was more concerned with your answer. You sighed. “It’s difficult. If they knew… I’d never hear the end of it. And I’d probably be ostracized out of the family,” you said, trying to joke about the situation but only knowing it was all too true. Brian nodded and started to slowly walk around the store. You followed him. 

“Where are they now?” he asked. 

“Around here, just in different shops,” you finished. Brian paused to thumb at a little silver statue sitting on a shelf and nodded, picking it up and fiddling with it, not able to make eye contact.

“I wish there was something we could do,” he whispered. The confident, domineering guy you’d been talking to the past few days was seemingly melting into nervousness before your eyes. It off set you a bit. Was he just nervous, or maybe he was a bit… strange after all and it’d be best to call it quits before he got too attached to something that wasn’t there? You looked away and felt the velvet texture of a silly vintage top hat hanging on a rack near you. 

“I don’t know,” you said, not just to what he said but to everything you felt about the situation. You weren’t sure of anything when it came to Brian. The silence was thick and tense, neither of you knowing what to say before you picked up the hat and nearly placed it on yourself, before smiling to yourself at the thought of what it’d look like atop Brian’s mane of hair. You found yourself placing it atop his head before you could stop yourself. Brian froze for a moment, and you did too, taking a look at him, the hat seemingly floating on top of his head because of his hair. You couldn’t stand it a moment longer, and broke out laughing. This eased the tension, broke whatever momentary hardship the two of you were having. Brian started cracking up with you, and both of you liked how your laughter sounded together. Brian removed the hat and placed it down, his small statue as well.

“Sorry, I— I couldn’t resist,” you said through laughter, trying to catch your breath. Brian wiped his eyes from the tears the laughter had sprung. 

“Shall it be my new look, then?” he said.

“Definitely,” you smiled, laughter dying down. Brian smiled back, moving a piece of hair behind your ear.

“You have the loveliest laugh,” he said softly, and your breath hitched for a moment. Ah yes, you reminded yourself, why you couldn’t help but be attracted to Brian. That’s why. “Come with me,” Brian said softly. 

“Hm?” 

“It’ll only be a moment,” Brian pleaded.

“I can’t, I—“

“—I know, your family. But we won’t be long, I promise. Please,” he said. Was he really propositioning your for sex in the middle of the day? Were you going to leave in the middle of your family outing for this? Brian took your hand tentatively and you didn’t pull away as he pulled you out of the shop, down the street, but not far like you expected. Instead, he took you into a cupcake shop a few stores down. You scanned the room to make sure it was all clear, and when it was, Brian was already asking what your favorite was.

“Chocolate,” you found yourself saying in shock without really realizing what was happening. And Brian bought you a cupcake and sat you down in the corner booth. The shop was adorable and quaint, plants everywhere and cozy. 

“Why’d you buy me a cupcake?” you asked, trying to process what was happening. 

“Why not?” he said, unwrapping it a bit and taking a small piece for himself with his fingers before handing you a bite. You took it. You didn’t understand how this was happening, why it was all so nice and why Brian was being so wonderful to you.

“Seriously. Why are you doing all of this? Why not… I don’t know, fuck me and be done?” You asked.

“Who says I’m not doing all of this just to get you to fuck me again?” He countered. You shrugged.

“Seems like most guys stop short of a cupcake.”

“Well, consider yourself lucky, then. But I don’t want to fuck again. Or rather, just fuck again necessarily.”

“What do you want then?”

“Like I said before. Just a bit more time I suppose. I don’t know if I could name it,” he said, furrowing his brows and looking at you. His eyes were gorgeous. You nodded and had more of your cupcake. “Does it have to have a name, whatever I want with this? Does it have to be in the box of one night stand, courting for marriage, or holiday fling? Does it have to be just one?” he continued.

“No, I guess not,” you said. It was all a bit philosophical, but you found yourself agreeing. “It doesn’t have to be something solid in particular, because at the end of the day we’re both going home soon anyways.” Brian nodded, a bit upset at the notion. Both of you seemed to agree now. You could be whatever you meant to each other during this time, and then it’d end soon anyways.

“Yeah. Well,” he said, handing you the last part of the cupcake. “I do want to see you again. To… do it again, if you’d like to,” Brian whispered. 

“And I do appreciate the cupcake,” you said, wiping your mouth. “And I want to do it again too,” you admitted. You met his eyes and they were lustful again. You stood up, as you really should step away before any suspicion arose. Brian stood up too. “Same time same place?” you smirked a bit teasingly. Brian chuckled for a moment. 

“I wish, darling. No— I can’t tonight, I…” Brian trailed off, looking away. “I’ll sort it. I’ll let you know,” Brian whispered. He grabbed your hand firmly and quickly kissed your knuckled. You were a bit confused at Brian’s response, but let it slide. You didn’t know what else he had going on and it was none of your business.

“Well then I’ll see you when I see you I suppose,” you said. Brian looked you up and down.

“It won’t be long.”

“Good,” you said, pulling away and leaving quickly, not looking back. You didn’t want him to think you were too easy, even though you already admitted you wanted him again and the cupcake move may have worked. You quickly walked down the street to find your family with the baby and moved on with them, telling them about the shop but not Brian. The rest of the walk you were thinking, going over what all was said. It had calmed you, actually, now your brain chalking everything up to a flirty little holiday, and you’d leave it at that. And you were even more certain that you liked him in general and wanted him again, and seemed like you’d get what you wanted. Or would you?

It took you until dinner to realize you had no idea when you were going to see him again now. Maybe he’d just forget about you and you’d always look back on this day with a sour taste in your mouth, or maybe he’d wait too long and you’d come to your senses. It kind of bugged you, though, to always be thinking about him, to be wondering when he’d “let you know.” But then you realized, maybe that was his move. You were frustrated as you went to bed. 

The next morning you still hadn’t heard from Brian, and as your family was changing to head to the beach after brunch the phone rang. You were in the bathroom changing, and Julie picked it up.

“Y/N?” she yelled. Your bikini wasn’t tied yet, so you held it up to your chest as you opened the door.

“What?” you said a bit irritably.

“Don’t lose your shit. It’s the front desk, something about cleaning service?”

“What? And don’t say shit.”

“You say it!” “Not the point!” “Well, take it! I can’t understand what they’re saying!” Julie said, thrusting the phone towards you. You huffed and rolled your eyes and gave Julie a death stare as she used this opportunity to take over the bathroom while you were in the middle of getting ready. 

“Yes?” you said a bit sharp into the phone.

“Is this Miss Y/L/N speaking?” said a man. 

“Yes, this is her, is there something wrong?”

“One moment please miss, we’re connecting your call.”

“What?” you said high pitched as the line changed before you got any explanation. 

“Y/N? Are you there?” It was Brian. You were more confused now but couldn’t react too loudly to have Julie hear you.

“Yes,” you replied softer.

“Good. If you can make it, come at two this afternoon. Room 310,” Brian said quietly. You were obscenely confused still even more so, but couldn’t make a big deal about it with Julie in earshot.

“Fine,” you said. “Is that all? I really have to go,” you said, trying to convey that you weren’t trying to be short with Brian but had to maintain the farce of speaking to the hotel service. 

“Go,” Brian said with a chuckle. “And I’ll see you in a couple of hours,” he said, and you hung up the phone. You sat in a bit of shock and confusion for a moment as you tried to process what had just happened, before realizing you bikini was still untied and turned to the mirror on top of the wardrobe to quickly tie it behind your head. You sat down on your bed, hands to your sides, clutching the edge. How had Brian found where to call you? And did he use the hotel to do it? And then he assumed you’d just go off with him in the middle of the day for sex? Again? You were really beginning to like Brian, but this whole situation was extremely strange. And why had Brian given you a different room number than before?

You would go see him, but only for answers, you decided, you weren’t going to sleep with him after pulling something like that. It didn’t match up, Brian seemingly a wild card, one moment suave, next nervous, and the next popping up out of nowhere and calling your room. With Julie answering! Did he have no respect for your predicament at all? Julie left the bathroom and you all headed down to the beach. You’d have to think of an excuse to get away. You thought of one as you lay in the sun. And then, just before two, you thought of something.

“Ow!” you exclaimed. Your family turned towards you. You looked at them sheepishly. “I think I’m beginning to burn. I left my suncream in the room. I should run back and get some if I want to keep laying out here,” you explained. It was a gamble, but the best you could think of under stress, and you hoped you were a good enough liar for it to fly. Your aunt looked at you, lowering her sunglasses. 

“You look alright to me, love,” she said sympathetically. 

“No no, my skin feels burnt, it’s stinging a bit,” you said, trying to drive it home. 

“Not to worry, I’ve got some with me,” said your uncle, pulling out the spray can of baby sunscreen. You looked at it worryingly and bared your teeth and furrowed your brows. 

“I’d need more SPF, I think,” you said, noticing the low concentration. They looked unconvinced. “Really, it’s alright. I just really don’t want to get burned. I’ll be back quick,” you said, standing up and dusting off, leaving your towel on the rocks to emphasize. 

“Well hurry back, love,” your aunt smiled. 

“I will.” They took the bait. It took all you had in you not to sprint back to the inn, but you made your way in time. Without even thinking to change, you showed up to Brian’s apparent room right on time in just your bikini. Brian opened the door and looked you up and down hungrily and you marched inside. 

“Wow, Y/N, already half way there for me?” he smirked. You didn’t realize what he meant until you followed his eyes, noticing your bikini, then rolled your own eyes and put your arms around your chest. It was only then he looked up at your face and saw your less-than-impressed look. His face fell and he turned towards you. “What’s the matter?”

“The matter? How about how you keep finding out of nowhere and calling my room when I haven’t told you which one it is? Or the fact you assume I can drop everything for a dick appointment in the middle of the day? Or the fact you don’t seem to care that my family can’t know about this? Or that you tell me to come to a completely different room than before, how can you explain that one?” you said, hands on your hips. 

“Y/N,” Brian said, moving towards you and reaching towards you. 

“No!” you said, stepping back. Brian stopped and sat down on the edge of the bed, and you moved further away from him back towards the door. 

“I can explain, I promise if you’ll let me,” he said calmly with pleading honey eyes. You shook your head, implying you were waiting. Brian sighed. “Right. Well I’m sorry first of all if I’ve upset you or made you feel uncomfortable or… unsafe in any way. It’s never my intention. And I wish I didn’t have to call you away in the middle of the afternoon, but it’s the only time I have available right now. And I do want to see you,” Brian explained. You were still unimpressed as he continued. “As for running into you, the first several times were coincidences, I swear on my life. And then at the markets I’ll admit I did follow you there, but only because I didn’t know how else to see you. And I called your room because I asked for your name at the front desk and had them connect us,” Brian said, looking for your reaction. 

“Following me to the market’s still creepy, Brian,” you countered. 

“I’m so sorry. But I didn’t know how else to see you again for certain.”

“You could’ve…” you trailed off, not knowing either how he would have necessarily found you again. “Well, since there seems to be so many coincidences you probably would have run into me again. Couldn’t you have waited there, or in the foyer where you knew I’d be walking through at one point?”

“But I didn’t know for certain if I’d see you again, and I really needed to talk to you. And how would waiting for you all day in the foyer be any less creepy than following you to the market?” he countered. 

“They’re both creepy!” you said, throwing your hands up. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Why didn’t you just call that time if you needed to talk to me so bad?”

“I hadn’t thought of it yet. Really,” Brian said. You rolled your eyes. 

“And what makes you so busy you can only meet in the middle of the day? Got business on your holiday alone, then?” 

“I am busy. With lots of things, with business, and other things. And I’m sorry but I really still want to see you.” You paused. You weren’t happy with Brian’s answers, but you did believe him. And you did believe he was sorry. “And I do care, if you do so much, about not airing this out in front of your family, but they are an obstacle if you want them in the dark and close encounters might just be part of the problem. I’d never do anything to… expose whatever this is on purpose. It benefits me to keep it quiet too.”

“Why? Don’t want anyone to know how you’re fucking a younger woman on your holiday? Thought men gave out prizes for things like that.”

“Like I said. I’m not only here for pleasure.”

“Whatever that means.”

“It means, that, I think it’s best if we keep this and everything we do henceforth secret.”

“Bold of you to say now, and also to assume I’m seeing you after this.”

“Y/N, I don’t want it to be like this. What about yesterday? Everything I said was all true— is true.” You rubbed your arms as you thought. Brian was so genuine with you in the market, and made you feel so good, and you meant everything you said yesterday too. And also, you remembered, you weren’t in a relationship with Brian. In a few days, you were going home and never seeing each other again. Who cared if he wasn’t being super emotionally intelligent? The two of you could just fuck and go with it, have some fun in the last couple of days. Feelings and anything beyond basic respect didn’t need to be dragged in. You sighed and met his eyes, walking over to him, placing your hands on his shoulders as he sat. Brian seemed surprised at the turn of events, thinking you’d still be pissed at him. He grabbed your hips and looked into your eyes, showing his apologies and pleading for you to forgive him. 

“You still have something unanswered,” you said lowly, running your fingers through his curls. He looked at you expectantly. “Why’d you change rooms?”

“Promotion at the hotel. I booked late and couldn’t get a single room consecutively,” he whispered, falling under your spell, entranced by your fingers in his hair, your sense, the way your skin felt so smooth, the way you looked. You nodded. “You aren’t mad?” he said, confused. He didn’t want to bring it up again, but found your sudden affection strange. You shook your head.

“It’s not like you’re my boyfriend, Brian,” you said. Brian looked down at your waist, which was at his eye level, and moved his hands up your body.  A bit of a sad thought, really, but he could barely remember anything at this point and nodded, pushing down on your mid-back to get you to lean over to kiss him. Your lips met, and you melted into each other. You quickly climbed into Brian’s lap and worked on unbuttoning his shirt, pulling it off. You pushed your hips into each others, gasping into each other’s mouths at the pressure and moved together, still kissing. Something seemed to switch within Brian soon after, and he flipped you over suddenly, removing his pants then climbing over you. He looked down, admiring your body, before pulling the string tied behind your neck of your bikini, before grabbing the middle and pulling it off, exposing yourself to him. Brian groaned and leaned down to kiss you again. Your hips slotted against each other and you whined into his mouth as he pressed down hard into you, him growling in response before quickly grabbing your wrists and holding them above your head, making you out of breath with his lips and tongue. He continued to pin you down with one hand and reached down with the other to feel you through your swim bottoms, pressing hard making you whine even more into his mouth. He quickly snaked his hand underneath the hem and rubbed at you shortly before growing impatient and pushing two fingers into you, you exclaiming a bit at the sudden stretch but accommodating him no problem. You moaned and bucked into his touch as he nipped at your neck before he again couldn’t take it any longer, pulled out of you and flipped you over, removed both of your remaining clothing, and held your chin up and forced his fingers into your mouth. 

“Good girl,” he muttered as you sucked them clean. It wasn’t long before Brian pushed into you, both of you sighing before he took you hard but so well. He grabbed your hips as he used his force to take you, and this time you couldn’t help but be a bit loud, not quiet like last time. Brian seemed to be unable to contain his noises as well, him humming through closed lips before his mouth fell open in a louder groan before he tried to quiet himself again. To deal with your noise, he took a hold of your hair and pushed you down a bit into the mattress, which did a bit to muffle the sounds. Brian felt so good, so perfect for you and he soon picked your hips up and started rubbing at you quickly again. 

“Fuck, I’m not gonna last much longer,” he strained, but it was no worry as you soon clenched down and finished upon him. Brian sucked in air through his teeth before letting go with a loud groan through his exhale and finishing, essentially collapsing on top of you. After a minute of panting in your ear, which sent shivers down you, he lifted off and cleaned you up quickly and weakly before he grabbed you firmly again and pulled you on top of him into his chest. You huffed at the movement but quickly nuzzled into him taking in his addicting scent as you tried to calm down. He pet your hair slowly and you clutched onto his shoulders tight. Eventually after taking a while to still calm down, you looked up to him, his eyes closed but still awake. You nudged your nose to him and he kissed you, met you back with a soft passion, gentle compared to before. The two of you hummed happily into each others mouths as you calmed yourselves with soft kisses for a bit before caressing his face, both of you opening your eyes. 

“I really didn’t mean to upset you. Ever,” he said softly. You nodded and kissed him again.

“It’s just for the holiday, isn’t it?” you said, kissing him again. Brian didn’t nod really, but looked at you and didn’t disagree and kissed you again. “It’s alright,” you said.

“I do want to see you again,” he said like he was letting you know but telling it to himself at the same time. You nodded. Brian rubbed over your back comfortingly in large strokes and you softly curled his hair around your fingers. “Fuck,” he whispered, not knowing when he could or how he’d contact you again. At this point, you would have given him your number, but there was no guarantee Julie wouldn’t answer. There wasn’t a clear solution. “The beach? Tomorrow? We’d have to go really early in the morning, I’m sorry, but we could at least see each other. And then maybe later again in the night if I can get away,” Brian proposed. You thought for a second, tilting your head down and looking away. You could say you were going for a morning run, maybe go before Julie even woke up and rejoin for breakfast. 

“Yes, tomorrow,” you decided, kissing Brian again. He kissed you back more thoroughly now, and the two of you stayed this way, close and gentle for a bit longer, before he pulled away. You braced yourself but were still sad for what you knew you both knew would have to happen now. 

“Can’t stay long,” Brian whispered.

“Me either.” Brian paused, looking deep into your eyes and brushed some hair behind your ear. “I wish I could stay,” you admitted.

“Me too,” Brian said. Both of you kept trying to break away but couldn’t, as if you were glued together. The two of you slowly dressed, touching still in some way throughout the process, before you both stood by the door, looking at each other. “Tomorrow. It won’t be long,” Brian said sorrowfully as you nodded, and you opened the door and left, not able to look back. You paused for a moment, sighed, and quickly made your way to your room to dress a bit more. But Julie was there.

[concretepuppy]

Hey, I wanted to ask if you'd recommend phallo to someone without dysphoria who's like 90% cis? I just kind of want a dick from time to time, but it doesn't affect my sex life or distress me that I don't. I'd also like a cis-looking and feeling dick (idk why but I would probably get dysphoria from a dick that was obviously made with phallo) so idk. Transphobes fearmonger a lot so it kind of scares me to make the jump. And idk if major surgery is worth it to satisfy something I'd live my life perfectly fine without doing...

i’m a huge proponent of cis people getting bottom surgery if it makes them happy. i talk quite a lot about how i think a lot of cis stone butches in particular would probably be a lot happier of they had a sensate penis to use for sex, bc i have had quite a few stones complain to me about how they wish they could feel it when they use a strap. it’s ok to get bottom surgery just for sex.

why exactly do you want a dick? what do you want out of it? do you want it for sex? do you think you would have better self image if you had one? do you want to be able to pee from it? do you want balls? do you want to keep your current genitals? there are a lot of considerations to make. i’d start by making a list of all the things that make you want a dick, and then all the potential cons.

i would encourage you to examine why you think you would feel dysphoric about having a phallo dick—what about them is so different from a natal penis? what are the aspects of a natal penis that you feel you’d miss with a phallo penis? have you seen a long-healed phallo dick w medical tattooing? have you ever interacted w a phallo dick irl? i’d also ask you to check your beliefs about what phallo dicks look like. these both have a lot of layers of transphobia and body shaming to unpack.

phalloplasty is a major surgery. it’s permanent in that you’d have to find a surgeon willing to do penectomy on a phallo patient to get it removed, which would likely be very difficult. but it’s not the huge, scary thing people make it out to be. most people just have 6-8wks of recovery (and maybe even shorter for later stages depending on what you’re getting done) and that’s it. the hardest part for me was stage 1 movement restriction, but that was 5 years ago and it’s over with now. if you think you’d be happier getting phallo, then by all means pursue it. it’s not like it’s a fast process, so even if you started contacting surgeons today you’d still have at least 12-18mo to think about it.

also keep in mind that navigating the process will be much more difficult unless you lie and say you’re a trans guy (or in the states at least most of the big name phallo surgeons are familiar enough w nonbinary people that they dont bat an eye abt it, so you could use that). i cant imagine most reputable phallo surgeons here would agree to do surgery for a person who openly IDed as cis (tho i could be wrong, i dont have direct experience w any team other than OHSU so it’s just me guessing based on other ppls anecdotes) and i have even less confidence that insurance would cover it. but it’s fine to lie and say you’re a trans dude if that’s what it takes to get the surgery or hormones or whatever you need. i didnt tell my surgical team i was bigender until stage 3, and i specifically told them to just list me as a trans man in claims. the OHSU team is really great about stuff like that, but other teams might not be.