#and the inability to communicate is a terrible kind of loneliness

[luxlightly]

Drawing steps

Step 1: try to draw

Step 2: fail to draw

Step 3: 10-30 of the most intense, violent anger, self loathing and impulse to break things and/or self harm ever felt by mankind

Step 4: anywhere between a few hours to a few weeks of depression and suicidal ideation, occasionally going back to extreme self loathing and anger

Step 5: wait until the temptation to try again grows too strong to resist and go back to step 1

( at least this time my anger and frustration was slightly less aimed at myself and more outwardly aimed at fate. So i guess that's progress. We'll see how long step 4 lasts. In the meantime I'll be face down in bed listening to "please please please let me get what I want" by the Smiths when it doesn't make me want to kill myself too strongly)

[cookinguptales]

As someone who grew up in a bilingual household where we spoke English but also signed, the part of Mabel and Theo's relationship that fascinates me the most is the communication, or lack thereof.

I'm mostly hearing (...sort of...) but grew up around a lot of d/Deaf people, CODAs, interpreters, etc. so while I can't give any input on the experience of profound deafness, I can at least tell apart different styles of signing. It's a little hard to tell sometimes how much of this is characterization vs. the skill level of the actors, but it is interesting.

Teddy Dimas does not sign fluidly. It's immediately obvious. It's not that he's terrible or that he can't be understood... it's just that there are a lot of tells that he does not sign as a primary language. The terseness of the signs, the deliberateness. You can tell that there's a second of thought before each sign, a jerky sort of compactness to them, that's common with people who learn to sign later in life. (Or who don't get a ton of practice with it.)

Signing, when you do it right, requires the use of your whole body. That can be hard for hearing people, who are generally used to more restrained movements. Teddy Dimas has never quite lost that restraint. He still can't go all in, not with his signing or his parenting.

I always thought this was really interesting, because it means that Teddy most likely learned to sign for his son (tragically uncommon with hearing parents of Deaf children) but that he still can't quite translate his thoughts properly into sign language. He can't quite get his emotions through to his son. There's a barrier there between them, and it seems to be largely one that Teddy's erected -- until Theo starts snapping back.

What I'm getting at is that Teddy has always forcibly drawn his son into his world instead of immersing himself in Theo's, and it shows. And it has really harmed their relationship, in more ways than one.

Zoe... we don't see a ton of her signing, but there does seem to be something somewhat performative about it. It's more fluid, like perhaps she's done it her whole life, but there's also something sort of... idk, false about it? And I wonder if that's just Zoe. It felt like she was always covering up her true feelings of loneliness and emptiness with a flamboyant personality, and the little flourishes to her signing seem to convey that as well. Her signing feels almost theatrical to me.

Theo and Mabel, though... I've always loved that episode where they go to Coney Island together. I get the criticism that Theo said at the beginning that he couldn't understand much of what she said when he was reading lips -- and then she proceeded to just talk at him for the rest of the episode anyway. But to me, at least, that always seemed like it was kind of the point. They couldn't understand each other, not fully, and that was something soothing to them.

There's something healing, I think, about shouting into the void. Letting out all of your most personal, complicated feelings without fear of repercussion or judgement. Talking into the wind because you know it won't talk back. You need to feel that echo but also know that it won't be heard.

I think there was some of that there in their initial relationship. Both of them desperately needed to talk, to get everything off their chests, but both of them also have trouble opening up to others due to trauma. So I think speaking to someone who couldn't understand them was, in some ways, ideal. They could make a human connection while keeping it fairly impersonal. They could unload without fear of judgement -- or worse, understanding.

Oddly, I think their mutual need to communicate without being understood was the one thing they understood best about each other. They could sense each other's loneliness and wariness and inability to trust that they could tell someone something important without it being used against them -- because their love and their trust have always been used against them.

So maybe in a way, their inability to talk to each other was actually what helped them communicate on a deeper level...?

Still, though. Still. I was so pleased to see that Mabel is learning more sign language so she can talk to Theo. She's got a long way to go, but no one learns to sign overnight. She's making progress, and you can tell that Theo appreciates it. There are still times where he gets too excited and signs too fast and she doesn't catch all of it, and there are times when she gets so wrapped up in her own soliloquies that she forgets that you have to face Deaf people while talking to them, but there's a familiarity to it now. When he signs too fast, she smiles and teases him. When she talks too quickly or forgets to sign or turns away from him, he just smiles and sighs and shakes his head. Then waits for her to come back.

Theo finds it irritating, obviously, but also understands that it's just... Mabel. She spends so much time in her own head that she has trouble communicating even with people who speak her language, as evidenced with Tobert. And maybe Theo does understand her in ways that others can't. Maybe it's the very fact that he accepts that he can't always understand her that makes her feel comfortable with him.

I also have to wonder, y'know... Has anyone ever learned to sign for him before, other than his father, who clearly saw it as a burden? Has anyone ever seen him as worth the effort of learning, not out of an obligation to speak to him but a desire to? No wonder he's being patient with her. I wonder if anyone has ever put in as much effort for him as she already has. It makes me so sad to think about, because what she's doing now is so... bare minimum. Theo has been so desperately alone, and so much of that is because his father isolated him. It's because no one else ever reached out. :(

idk, it just makes me happy that these two people who originally bonded over their inability to communicate are now comfortable enough with each other to try actually talking. There's something so shy and so joyful about it. I love that for them, especially Theo.

I don't want him to be alone anymore!! I want him to have someone he can talk to, whom he trusts enough to talk to, who thinks he's worth learning to talk to back!

Their odd brand of bilingual communication (or lack thereof) is just fascinating to me. ;;

[adoredmarrow]

autistic loneliness

i think one of the worst parts about autism for me is the never ending loneliness or the inability to actually connect with others. i have had so many friendless years in the past and even most of my family dont like me or we just cant seem to connect even if both parties would want to.

i have gotten better at social skills, meeting new people and i mask relatively well and i do think most people find me decent at first and kind but there always seems to be a sort of wall between me and others. i have always felt like i lack something but that it isnt just explained by the lack of social skills but something else.

i think handling all the other problems that come with being autistic, would be easier to manage if this one wasnt one for me. i do think that humans including autistics need community and a close support system and not having that is just awful.

maybe not all autistic people feel this way but i can only speak for myself. i have even met a lot of autistic people and very few have talked about a similar experience but i still seem to feel far away from them. i have always needed a lot of alone time and dont need to be social as much as others (like the amount of social events in a week) but i have always wanted close friends to be in reach. i have this terrible longing for community and closeness and i just never seem to grasp it. its all i hope for.

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

hello. i'm not sure how to phrase this properly but do you have any advice on not being afraid of being social with real humans? i admit i am a bit paranoid. i do not want to share anything about myself with anyone in real life, i do not want to use any social media that can be easily traced back to my real identity, i am afraid of meeting up with and talking to people i can meet locally etc. i know that human connection requires vulnerability and being "real", but i've seen far too many examples of people being bullied for being themselves and from my experiences relationships don't last that long, i can't keep friends, so it's almost not worth it to open up that much because it can be used against you later once you stop talking etc etc etc., at least that's what i think. i don't know how to perceive people as kind and stop being afraid. it's hard. sorry if this question is not phrased well.

hi anonymous; i:m terrible to ask for this!

i have basically no real-life relationships and my whole life has basically been a tomb built upon an inability to change, connect, and grow; spiritually i:m like what happens if the bacteria inside an empty house is allowed to stagnate and flow in-to the floorboards till it becomes like a fat pungent jelly saturating the baseboards, principal post, foundation; nasty and tepid and like a black mold :-))!

any-ways: what helped me get-over my social anxiety, slightly, was just gradual exposure at my own behest: forcing myself to go-out and get something nice for myself weekly/daily; when i had a little more money: this would be stopping out for coffee; or: just going to a thrift-store and looking at books.

for internet stuff and bullying: being open and facing consequence for your own existence is just part-and-parcel of being a person; even: if you are "making a career out of yourself" (whether it be an artist, or just some prolific poster (i:d consider this a career, absolutely, because when i was "way emotionally worse" i:d more-or-less literally get financially incentivized for being actively suicidal and mentally ill--blood sacrifice)) you sort-of implicitly are surrendering a barrier between yourself and other, cause ultimately it:s All About Connection & people don:t connect to barriers super well; incidentally, i think i had a worse time with "bullying" when i had more to be ashamed about myself, and had more internal insecurities -- but i also cared more about my identity as an artist; i:ve Confronted(!) the parts i:ve been too ashamed to confront and made peace with them, and now am mostly content with just housekeeping.

But: i:m still terrifically lonely. purpose and identity helps there; the only things that have ever abated the loneliness for me is being completely ensorcelled with /something/ (like a writing project, drawing, fleshing out an inner world, feeling like i am furthering my goal to the Communication/bacteria) -- and those only come as impulses for me; without: every-day is just a lonely dead-quiet stretch between meals that:s filled up with finding excuses to keep myself busy.

~but: i think that:s also "better;" i keep myself to a routine and give myself responsibilities that i don:t let myself shirk (my praying, my cleaning, my exercising, forcing myself to go to church once a week, my cooking, my grocery shopping); it:s like what moto realizes at the end of boogiepop phantom episode 1,

unfortunately we have to reconcile ourselves by ourselves, and likely: that is a life-time struggle that none of us get to shirk;

if you:d like a recommendation, anonymous, i:d like you to watch "boogiepop and others" (not "boogiepop phantom") episode 6; it:s an episode about that struggle, suema talks about it; if i:m feeling super-duper down i:ll listen to that conversation @ the end of episode 6 between suema and aya, about the struggle with the imaginator, and whether-or-not boogiepop is real.

anyways, i don:t think i gave you great advice here anonymous; even: i doubt any of this will lift your spirits >:-)) but @ minimum: try to be kind to yourself, including patience with yourself, and also responsibility to yourself; often it seems like people are awaiting another to come and pluck the dirt out of us: but that dirt is us, and all another can do is add more slurry to us.

take care chief.

[ohmeadows]

1?

a life in which nothing happens is a document in which i put all my thoughts and paragraphs i write about loneliness and alienation. one day i'll shape it into something in the style of other fragmentary/shortform autofiction writers like constance debré or annie ernaux, to be pretentious, but yeah.

When I die, I will remember living my life alone in bed. * What is so terrible about being alone? It is a room thick with silence you cannot fill with any meaningful noise. It is already inside of you. It is staking a claim on your flesh and bones and thoughts. It will shape you and you will be shaped. Did you think you were in control? * Do you want me to be coy and act like loneliness is a strange disease of the present, a sign of decaying morals? Do you want me to espouse an idea that it can be medicated away, swallow a pill and watch it dissolve? Loneliness is defined from the outside in until it begins to radiate outwards as well. I did not put myself in the box out of my own free will. * I wish I could say that moment changed me, made me seek others out in a fulfilling kind of way, but instead I withdrew further. Was the lack of community a self-imposed exile or a true inability to connect to others?

[artusarda]

The inability to communicate one's thoughts is in very truth the most terrible of all kinds of loneliness.

[stay-close]

The inability to communicate one's thoughts is in very truth the most terrible of all kinds of loneliness.

— Friedrich Nietzsche, Selected Letters

[dyonisa]

“ the inability to communicate one's thoughts is in very truth the most terrible of all kinds of loneliness ” .

[elizabethanism]

“The inability to communicate one’s thoughts is in very truth the most terrible of all kinds of loneliness.”

Friedrich Nietzsche, Selected Letters

[precuredaily]

Precure Day 205

Episode: Yes! Precure 5 Go Go! 07 - “Let’s Go! Palmier Kingdom!” Date watched: 31 January 2021 Original air date: 16 March 2008 Screenshots Transformation Gallery Project info and master list of posts

insert quip here

When we left off, the friends were rushing off to Palmier Kingdom because Milk said there was an emergency. It turns out Milk may have been stretching the truth, but of course, danger follows the Rose Pact wherever it goes, so her lie quickly becomes reality. How will the Precures fend off a new enemy? How will Coco and Nuts prove their dedication to their citizens? How will Milk learn the value of doing your part? How will we continue setting up Milky Rose? You’re about to find out!

The Plot

As they fly to the Palmier Kingdom on Syrup’s back, Coco wonders what kind of terrible danger it may be in. King Donuts lectures him and Nuts for leaving the kingdom in the first place because of the inability to protect their people. Meanwhile, in the Palmier Kingdom, there seems to be no trouble afoot at all. The citizens are hard at work rebuilding the palace and buildings. Everyone is chipping in..... except for Milk, who is sitting by a wall, neglecting her responsibilities. Papaya, the mustachioed fairy who was Coco and Nuts’s tutor in the past, sternly reminds her to concentrate on her work; Milk retorts that she can’t concentrate if she’s worrying about the Kings, and Papaya counters that supporting the people is the job of a caretaker. Milk takes this as well as you may expect.

this level of sass would be unrivaled until a certain mermaid swam onto the scene in 2021

Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Syrup. Milk excitedly walks over to see if he brought a letter from Coco and Nuts, when suddenly the girls spring up, followed by the kings. Milk gets misty eyed, declares she missed them, and begins running straight towards an expectant Nozomi. What follows is a glorious bait and switch.

Milk dives right past Nozomi to tackle her beloved kings.

Over in Eternal, we see a new character walking down the hallway. He is soon revealed as another general of the organization, Nebatakos. He drops a collection item off, a starving animal, and he indicates he only fed it enough to stay alive. Anacondy scolds him for his negligence but informs him that the Rose Pact is in the Palmier Kingdom should he wish to retrieve it. How exactly she knows this is unclear.

Wilson Fisk he ain’t

Back in Palmier Kingdom, Papaya chews out Milk for implying there was an emergency and causing the Precures and Kings to return. (The kings themselves aren’t too fussed about it, for what it’s worth.) She weakly justifies her actions by saying that the loneliness people felt without their leaders was a critical situation and then runs off. While Milk stews over her feelings, Coco, Nuts, and the girls join the rebuilding efforts, spending some quality time with the people and with each other. Coco admits to Nozomi that he wanted to show her the kingdom when it was rebuilt but she’s not disappointed. At the same time, Komachi discusses King Donuts’s lecture with Nuts, who admits the monarch was right in his assessment of their shortcomings and he and Coco have work to do in becoming proper leaders. Karen worries about Milk, who is hiding behind a rock outside the kingdom, but Syrup finds her. He gives her some grief about shirking her duties as a caretaker, and she admits that she took the position to stay close to Coco and Nuts. When they turned around and left, Milk felt lonely and that’s why she wrote the letter. Syrup, still exhausted from rushing to get everyone here, collapses, and Milk apologizes, recognizing her fault in his fatigue.

Syrup has no chill

Everyone is taking a break in the kingdom, eating some giant fruits that look like a cross between a coconut and a papaya. They are apparently DELICIOUS.

please make memes out of this.

These are palmier fruits, and they come from the namesake tree of the kingdom. The giant palm trees have great cultural significance, so Nozomi decides she’ll plant the seed of her fruit to grow another.

Unfortunately their break is interrupted by the arrival of Nebatakos, who demands to know the location of the Rose Pact. When they don’t give it up, he transforms into his monster form of a gray and gold octopus man and begins destroying the precious palmier trees. The girls transform, but not to be outdone, Nebatakos turns the nearby hill (where Milk and Syrup are) into a Hoshiina. Coco and Nuts start evacuating their citizens to safety while the Precures fight the villain and his lackey. Since he’s new, he manages to keep the upper hand, and the girls quickly find themselves at the end of their rope. However, most of the battle is actually focused on Coco and Nuts evacuating their citizens with some help from Milk and Syrup, who fly people to safety. Seeing this, King Donuts laments his inability to help since he’s stuck in the Rose Pact healing. When Nebatakos confronts the Palmier fairies holed up in the castle, Coco bravely leads him away from the civilians, allowing himself to be caught as a diversion. Dream sees Nebatakos strangling him from afar, but she can’t break away from fighting the Hoshiina, so Nuts steps out with the Rose Pact, and King Donuts standing proud inside of it, to face Nebatakos and get him to release Coco. King Donuts pops out for a moment and unleashes a blindingly bright blue light that stuns Nebatakos and the Hoshiina for a moment before he collapses. The Rose Pact falls away from them, and unseen by anyone else in the commotion, it glows blue and emits a bright blue seed.

This will not be important later on, pay it no mind.

King Donuts’s stun attack also gave the Precures enough of an opening to turn the tide of the battle, and they rescue Coco before setting up the Hoshiina and Nebatakos for their special attacks. Aqua unleashes a Sapphire Arrow on Nebatakos, which really takes the wind out of him, and then Dream performs Shooting Star. Nebatakos teleports away, leaving the Hoshiina to take the full force of the attack and it disintegrates.

After the fight, King Donuts is still incredibly weak but admits he was inspired by everyone’s bravery and wanted to help out however he could. He doesn’t say it aloud but he seems to be gaining respect for them as rulers. After that, it’s time for the visitors to leave. Everyone loads up into Syrup after saying their goodbyes to Milk, Papaya and the citizens. Milk gives an inspiring speech to everyone about doing their best while the Kings are away and says an extra special goodbye to Karen. Nozomi asks her to take care of the palmier seed she planted. At last, they fly off, and eventually the crowd dissipates, leaving only Milk. She starts to cry, but then she sees a split-second premonition of the blue seed being held in a tender pair of hands.

Milk turns around and sees the actual blue seed behind her, glowing, so she picks it up and stares at it inquisitively as the scene fades to black.

The Analysis

Honestly having an episode about visiting another world take place this early in any Precure season is really unheard of, but given the circumstances I’m glad they did. Getting to see Palmier Kingdom being rebuilt drives home how much there is to be done, how much damage Nightmare caused, and how strong their community is that they can band together to do this. It also really only works because of this being a sequel, if this had been a brand new show I don’t think this would have been as effective. Even if this series doesn’t always know what to do with its second season, it does have moments like this that make it worthwhile.

More than any other episode I can recall in the past season, this episode is much more about the fairies than the humans. Coco, Nuts, Milk, and King Donuts each have arcs throughout this episode that play into their overall roles in the story. Coco and Nuts are still reckoning with King Donuts telling them he doesn’t acknowledge them as kings yet (and if you forgot it from last episode, it’s one of the first things he says in this one), but they take the chance to self-reflect on their shortcomings and strive to do better. They get some moments of introspection as they help to rebuild, which show their different perspectives and priorities. Coco is a bit sad that he couldn’t show the fully rebuilt Palmier Kingdom to Nozomi, because he wants to show her the kingdom as he remembers it, but she thinks it’s beautiful already because of his efforts. 

I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid!

Meanwhile, Nuts takes a more introspective approach as he discusses his feelings with a worried Komachi. She’s afraid that he’s offended by King Donuts’s remarks, but he admits he actually agrees, and that he and Coco have work to do if they’re going to be effective leaders. Later on, they display sincere, unprompted heroism in helping and protecting the citizens during the attack. They tend to the scared and wounded, they ensure everyone is holed up in a secure location so they don’t get injured in the fight, and they protect the civilians by distracting the villain.

Seeing the way the young rulers act in their natural element, in various situations, helps to warm King Donuts up to them. He’s largely unseen during the bulk of the episode, but he’s present at a few crucial points. First, as they all fly towards Palmier, he reminds Coco and Nuts in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t recognize them as kings yet. He’s present during Milk’s first disciplining, and then during the climax when Coco and Nuts are at their best, their bravery spurs King Donuts himself to take action against Nebatakos. He recognizes he’d be a hypocrite if he tells the Kings to protect their citizens while he himself cowers inside the Rose Pact, and that’s why he overexerts himself to buy a little bit of time. Interestingly, his act of bravery seems to be what triggers the Rose Pact to deposit the blue seed. It’s nice to see how he’s begun to accept them after seeing their courage and leadership in a pinch. He’s not such a bad guy.

Most importantly, this episode begins a  new character arc for Milk. It’s not a complete reset to where she was on her initial introduction in the last series, but her dependency on Coco and Nuts comes a lot more into focus when they’re not around for her to fawn over. We know she’s been sending a lot of letters, and it turns out she’s doing this at the expense of her other responsibilities towards rebuilding Palmier Kingdom. When called out on her selfishness that made the Kings return and put themselves at risk, she brushes it off and insists she was right, their absence created a critical situation because everyone was lonely without them. In reality, she seems to be the only one who’s lonely and she’s projecting. However, after talking with Syrup she feels some remorse. When Nebatakos attacks she sees the Kings in danger as the direct result of her choice, exactly what Papaya warned her could happen. She takes some initiative during the panic by evacuating some citizens, and afterwards she sees Coco and Nuts off dutifully with an impassioned speech to the citizens. She talks eagerly about about how hard the Kings are working to find the four monarchs, so the citizens have to work hard at home as well. (however, it’s Milk, so whether or not she’s actually learned her lesson from earlier is doubtful) It’s character development, arguably more than she got in the entire previous series, and while I recall in broad strokes where she winds up at the end of the series, I don’t recall in detail what happens so I do still hope they build further on this.

As for the actual protagonists of the show, it feels strange to say this but they don’t do much until the climax. Things happen to them or around them, but as I explained it’s really more of a mascot focus episode. They arrive in Palmier, reunite with Milk, are present at her scolding, and assist in rebuilding. Karen has some dialog about looking for Milk but we don’t really see this. The episode chooses to focus on exposition over action, breaking the cardinal film rule of “show don’t tell.” There is a nice moment about halfway through where Coco and Nuts tell the girls about the significance of the Palmier Tree but again, that’s not them doing stuff. Nebatakos’s attack is when they become more prominent, but even then the fight is interspersed with scenes of the rescue efforts. The girls land a few hits on the villain and the Hoshiina, and then the attention goes back to the fairies for a while with only brief glances at the combat. Dream is worried about Coco when Nebatakos is strangling him but she’s blocked from leaving her fight until King Donuts uses his blinding light and creates an opening for her to rescue him. This allows the girls to set up some combos for their finisher, and then we next see them loaded into Syrup ready to leave. Again, Karen offers kind encouragement to Milk, and Nozomi requests her palmier tree be tended to, but nothing more deep or significant than this.

Nebatakos is a unique new villain. He seems smarter than Scorp, but he’s very indifferent to other people and living beings. I don’t think we’ve had a character quite like him before. He’s callous and efficient, he knows what buttons to push and he just does what he does for a check. When he realized the palmier trees were important, he began crushing them to cause mental anguish. He nearly strangled Coco, which I believe is a first for this series. Had it not been for Nuts and King Donuts, he may not have made it. His visual design is very interesting, as he’s based on an octopus (tako=octopus). He’s a fleshy gray mass with gold armor on his upper body, he has two tentacle arms that bisect or trisect at the ends to function sort of like long fingers. He has, depending on the art in a given frame, between six and eight tentacles that he uses as legs, and most often they are wound together so he can walk bipedally, but he does sometimes unwind them and walk around on multiple tentacles, or use his leg tentacles for grappling purposes. In theory it would make him more versatile, in practice he doesn’t do any creative, unique things with his anatomy like grabbing all five girls at the same time. At least not in this fight. His stand-out feature is his monster voice. He has this gurgling quality to it and I’m not sure if it’s a special vocal filter or the actor is doing it naturally. It helps to sell his aquatic nature and I enjoy it.

The art style of this episode is a little bit off. The animation was directed by our old friend Kawano Hiroyuki, who I’ve pointed out before when his bad faces show up. His signature weird smiles and awkward camera angels are on full display here.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad, but when it is, it’s noticeable. He also gave us this great Nozomi face so I think that balances out.

art

Also speaking of art and animation, there’s a pretty bad goof near the end as the girls fly off.

your device is not malfunctioning, this gif is 1/4 speed

If you notice, the artist completely forgot to draw the part of Komachi that should be visible beneath Urara’s hair. For the entire shot.

If you’ve seen the show before, or you know what the Blue Rose is, you know where the ending of this episode eventually leads to. I’ll assess the Blue Rose arc more once it concludes but so far I enjoy the setup. This episode takes the time to reverse perspectives by having the heroines be the strangers in another land while the mascots are in their home environment. It’s a unique and creative way to continue the plot while also setting up some character arcs and transitioning from the character reintroductions over to the meat of the show. It explores a seldom-seen avenue by showing us the fairy world rebuilding and recovering and that’s one of the ways that GoGo really stands out from the crowd as a very solid sequel that builds on what came before rather than just being more of the same (like much of Max Heart).

Next time on Precure Daily: Syrup’s past begins to unravel! Look forward to it!

Pink Precure Catchphrase Count: 1 Kettei! (in the preview)

[weltenwellen]

1/2 i always feel like i disappoint every person i meet. or not even feel, i know. i start to overshare when i finally get comfortable, and start to trust too much that i just completely confide on the one person that listened to ne that one time, and i know it's not fair. i have no excuse why im lime this. i just feel extremely lonely. my fam has never been the type to be open, and once i do open up, i eithet get judged or get shit for whatever im feeling. like im not supposed to feel because

2/2 they've never felt what i do. and ive never been as comfortable sharing what i feel with people i know irl than i do with people i know who are thousands of miles away from me. and i feel like there's always a point that id disappoint them? fail them in some way. annoy them. i admit im a selfish person, and im just not a good person. but id need people. and i wish i didn't. because then id just ruin things because im a terrible person. i just wish i wasn't who i am. either better or diff.

from the very limited information I have through your message, I would not agree with you that you’re a selfish person or at least not a selfish person by nature & I find it difficult to say someone is a good or a bad person. there is a deep loneliness that can stem from childhood, when your family is not open in regards to emotions and lettings things pass silently & rather take the path of avoidance or ignorance towards important issues rather than openly discussing them. how are you suppose to be good at communication & building and maintain healthy relationships when you were not taught how? that does not make you a bad person. you do not know or have figured out the balance of distance or closeness to people, but that is a thing you can learn and are very capable of learning. as I would view it is that you’re stuck in a never ending cycle of needing people but not wanting to need other people & then when you find people you do not how to build and trust in relationships and end up oversharing because you have pressed down so much of what you’re feeling & that can scare people away. as a result you try again to not need people until you cannot stop your human need for connection & everything boils over in you again & you try to isolate yourself again and so the cycle continues over and over. you act and react based on the communication patterns you’ve learned in your childhood & yours are not ideal, but it’s not impossible to change those patterns & as a result also come to view yourself as someone who is more free to act less selfish in some regards or act out of fear and frustration of scaring someone away by being yourself or forcing yourself not to need other people. 

also, what I would say as my last thought, the inability to form and maintain relationships is driving that feeling of loneliness, but I think where it is important to examine your own family dynamics & now your repetition of communication patters you’ve been taught, it’s important to note that all our relationships to others are driven by the most important one, the relationship we have with ourselves. your message suggests that you do not think of yourself very highly and talk down to yourself. if we work on the relationship we have with ourselves, things tend to fall into place more and more as we’re view the world a little differently & we attract people who do not scare so easily & think we’re worth sticking around. we all sometimes overshare or try to hide in all kinds of relationships. nobody is perfect & communication and relationships are not perfect. it’s important to put the work in to examine and reapproach your way of communicating & work on who you are, but it also means for you that not all hope is lost. we’re able to change the way we behave and communicate and build relationships, no matter what we’re taught in our childhood or what hurt we’ve endured in the past by other people. please don’t give up on yourself & keep reaching out to other people. we all need human connection. people need people. that cannot be helped. you’ll end up hurting yourself very deeply the longer you try & pretend that you do not need anyone & the longer you go down that road, the harder and more painful it will be to come back from it.

[sunnelit]

What does your character believe their party lacks? (and) Does your character daydream? What do they usually keep their mind occupied with? (for elewyn!)

what does your character believe their party lacks?

i wasn’t quite sure how to answer but mmmmaybe communication? everyone is getting a bit better about it now, but i genuinely think it would've been the party's inability to just be honest about how terrible & traumatizing their experiences were? especially when you're forced to watch your friends die ( more than once ) or have them suffer because of unforeseen circumstances, and no one says a single word about it? and either acts like it didn't happen at all or it just doesn't matter when they have bigger things to worry about. that, or brushing it under the rug by being optimistic , like , “ what matters now is that we're together !! and as long as we stay strong it won't be like this the next time !! “ which isn't a healthy or good mindset to have? and while elewyn had a bit of a hard time talking about it himself, it was so sad and frustrating to watch the people he cared for not talking about the bad things that happened? which messed with him because he slowly started to internalize all of his negativity, even MORESO than he usually does, & it began to eat him alive piece by piece as their journey continued? yes, people cope differently, and yes, there's nothing to say sometimes and that's okay too; maybe you just don’t have the words to even talk about it. but, just watching these bad things continue to pile up & have no one acknowledge the mental toll it was taking on them, steered his own health into a terrible direction for awhile. because for elewyn, the self - doubt wouldn’t leave him alone. it was such a constant thing of am i the one blowing all of this out of proportion? maybe i’m the one handling this wrong. and i can’t be the only one drowning in all of this. i can’t be the only one who feels like they’re going to break any second because of this. and it was such a painfully lonely situation because he never knew who he could talk about it with or if anyone really understood how he felt. he’s glad that things are slightly better & that’s not really the case for a few of them anymore; he just hopes that none of them will fall back into that habit of not talking if they can help it. does your character daydream? what do they usually keep their mind occupied with?  absolutely! elewyn finds comfort in daydreaming & used to do it all the time as a means to cope with his own insecurities, loneliness, & mistreatment? being able to create these kind of fictional fantasies in his head & keep them close to his heart was a kind of solace for him? & usually, those daydreams used to involve himself going on fantastic adventures, fearlessly traveling & finding treasure, & being able to explore the myth & mystery of the world with his closest allies; he was able to live without being terribly hurt. he was happy, & loved, & treated so much more kindly despite being what he was. elewyn has always lived with his head in stories & songs, & that’s led him to create his own at every opportunity that he’s given — it’s a passion & a form of escapism that he needed. but, as their journey progressed, those gentle daydreams started to severely lessen & twist into worse: horrible scenarios, anxiety - inducing thoughts, constant overthinking, & etc. his view of his life & the world itself had been cracked so badly when he finally decided to leave home. he already knew that the world was capable of being cruel, but he didn’t think that it would tear so badly into himself & his friends when all they were trying to do is the RIGHT thing. that, and when all elewyn wanted was to find his place in the world & see that he belonged in it, instead of being persecuted by it. when he thinks back to those daydreams he used to have, he feels so disconnected from it because reality is just . . . . a lot harsher than he was prepared for. he thought they were rose - tinted & completely childish, & it was so hard to go back to that old source of comfort when those dreams always felt . . . . so bittersweet. not to mention, just straight up out of place when he’s forced to focus on what’s happening in the MOMENT. he barely touches them anymore, same with the stories & songs that he used to happily indulge in — the one thing that he loved feels like such a heavy effort nowadays, & unimportant when it comes to the bigger missions at hand; defeating the cult & fulfilling his role as the changebringer’s champion. he should feel frustrated at this, at the increasingly empty pages of his notebook, the way his paws won’t move, & his mind constantly feeling hollow. but, he can’t find the energy to be angry; he can barely manage tired most days.

[skvaderarts]

Apocrypha Chapter Twenty: Respite

Masterlist can be found Here! Thanks!

Chapter Twenty: Respite

Note: Wow. Chapter twenty and were probably only half way through this fic! It's been a blast so far, and I'd like to take a moment to say thank you for forty total chapters and just shy of 150k words so far in this series. And to top it off, DMC5SE is coming in the future?! What a time to be alive and part of the DMC community! (unless you're on pc like me because screw us, I guess. At least we get Vergil, but still). Thanks for coming along for the ride so far! I hope it's been worth it. A metaphorical toast to the first twenty and here's to twenty more!

(-~-)

Dinner had gone relatively well, all things considered.

Finding a restaurant that was willing to accommodate such a large group had been a respectable challenge, but in the end they settled on a small outdoor establishment. While they had to push two tables together in order to sit as a group, it had all worked out just fine in the end.

While the vast majority of the conversation that took place was between Patty, Nero, and the other girls, Dante occasionally joined in with a few witty rejoinders of his own, normally at Vergil's expense. V simply attended the dinner, eating quietly and mostly keeping to himself. Despite the fact that he had agreed to attend dinner, it was due more to a sense of personal obligation than anything else. He'd be lying if he said that he had been very hungry. The events at the beach had basically annihilated his appetite.

Once back at the hotel, everyone was more than ready to turn in for the night. There were still two days left on their trip, and everyone was eager to have a chance to explore the town and experience everything it had to offer. Well, at least for the most part. Kyrie was certain that she wanted to go back to the beach, at least for a few hours. She'd enjoyed herself in the bathing suit they had picked out for her, and she was going to take every opportunity that she could to wear it. Doing so in Fortuna would be a bit… scandalous. Through no fault of her own, she simply had the misfortune to live in a place that was more than a bit old fashioned, especially when it came to the way people were expected to dress. Most of them had probably never seen a bathing suit before.

As the group was going their separate ways in the lobby, Nero stretched and rubbed his eyes slightly, garnering a similar response from V who substituted stretching for a badly concealed yawn. He seemed painfully aware of how everyone was looking at him for trying to do so. Who tried to conceal a yawn?

Much to V's relief, Vergil broke the silence between them, seemingly unwilling to stand around the entire night and watch everyone watch everyone else. He stepped forward, his arms folded around himself as he glanced in the direction of the children. The oldest child, Julio, seemed more than ready to go to bed; now sufficiently tired and unwilling to stay up much longer. Kyle wasn't much better. He seemed to be just a few minutes shy of falling asleep on his feet, swaying back and forth as he blinked heavily. Carlo on the other hand was still just as full of energy as he always was. While he wasn't exactly hyper, the abundance of other people around to provide attention to him wasn't something he was willing to overlook. But as always, he gravitated towards those he knew best and chose to linger close to Nero and V, a decision that put him in the middle of their walking path and made him nearly impossible to overlook.

Honestly, his eagerness to hug the legs of everyone in the lobby was adorable, something that Vergil had experienced first hand himself earlier that day. The small child stopped darting between Kyrie and Nero's legs and stole an occasional glance at the much taller man, earning him a curious look and resulting in a few playful giggles. Vergil sighed. This was going to be a long night. While he found the child's behavior… typical for someone his age, for perhaps the first time since his return from the underworld, he felt an immense desire to simply go to sleep for the night. He didn't feel like fighting a small child the entire night to do so. But he wasn't backing down from his agreement, either. As far as he was concerned, that would be just as bad, if not worse, than simply refusing to do so in the first place.

"... Is he always like this," Vergil said as Carlo darted away from Nero and over towards V. The summoner in question was leaned against a nearby wall, seemingly waiting for an opportunity to disappear up the stairs and into the waiting blankets of his bed. The oldest Son of Sparda could only assume that Dante was going to be voted out of the bed due to a combination of his oldest son's inability to sleep on a couch that small and his youngest son's inevitable refusal to do so. Part of him was honestly irritated that he wouldn't be there to watch him suffer pointlessly, but the other part of him that didn't participate in such petty foolishness was actually glad that he probably wouldn't have to share a bed with any of them. Despite the undeniable closeness of their blood relation to one another, if anyone so much as bumped him in his sleep, they were likely to be skinned alive. That would be terribly inconsiderate towards the cleaning staff come mourning.

V shared a glance at Carlo, seemingly taking a moment to assess the room. Once sufficiently sure that no one was watching him, V took the opportunity to fluff the small boy's head and pat him on the shoulder, earning him a leg hug before he ushered the excited child back towards the rest of his family. Vergil couldn't help but notice the level of peace that seemed to wash over him as he watched the little one toddle back across the room, the young summoner seemingly pleased by the attention that Carlo always made time to show him. Where else was he going to obtain such high quality hugs from? Certainly not from Vergil. Maybe Nero? Dante would probably humor him, but he'd make it as uncomfortable and lengthy as possible. That was simply the way he was.

It was an interesting revelation to him that V was so good with Nero's children. He'd seen him interacting with them at the beach earlier that day, critiquing their little sand castles and pretending to be thoroughly impressed. He'd even shared one of his snacks with Kyle and allowed Julio to take shelter from the heat under his umbrella, ignoring the sopping wet mess he'd made out of the beach towel he'd brought to relax on. It was a wonder to him that someone who didn't have any children was so at ease interacting with them. For a moment, he considered the idea that he'd been involved with them to some extent in the past, but dismissed the notion. V wasn't very adept at social interactions with anyone. He just seemed to have a soft spot for Nero's children.

Perhaps if he wasn't so perpetually single…

Vergil's thoughts returned to the matter at hand. He had no reason to dwell on what V decided to do with his personal life. While an observation was perfectly fine with him, dwelling on things he had no say in and no influence over was futile. He would return to his current obligations and leave his consideration for V's crushing and no doubt ceaseless loneliness for another time. If that kind of future was in the cards for him, then he would cross that bridge when he got to it. Vergil himself had never planned to…

He needed to find something to force him to keep his mind on the trial he'd forced himself to undergo. Perhaps proving to Nero that he wasn't entirely awful would gain him some sort of footing in their future conversations. At the very least he hoped that it would alleviate some of the hostility between them. While they were indeed talking now, he couldn't help but notice that Nero made a point of constantly calling him out on his shortcomings. While he wasn't foolish enough to believe that he didn't have that much coming, he dared to allow himself to be optimistic about the possibility that there could be more to their relationship in the future. 

Truly, he wanted Nero to attempt to talk to him in much the same way that V did. He'd proved that he had the capacity to do so in the lobby of the hotel earlier that evening before Dante had interrupted them. As much as he loathed delving into his emotions and the scars and misadventures of his past, he knew that doing so was inevitable if he had any hope of Nero actually moving past his current feeling towards him. The Darkslayer knew that this was a test. It was the first one Nero had bequeathed him, even if he had done so as an extension of V's request. And he had no intention of letting both of his sons think any less of him than he imagined they already did. Such negativity was how they had arrived at such a dark and painful place to start with…

"Yea, basically. He's not really hyper, but he asks a lot of questions," Nero said as Carlo tucked himself under his legs and giggled senselessly. Nero shook his head and reached down to snatch the small boy off of his feet and into his arms, finally ending his wild behavior." Kyle and Julio are basically dead on their feet, so I don't think they are going to put up much of a fight. That and they are probably not excited about sharing a room with a person they know can toss someone halfway across a beach with one hand."

Vergil didn't miss the slight glare that accompanied that statement. Nero wasn't over that yet, it seemed. Apparently Dante was quicker to let that sort of thing go than his son was. Then again, they regularly impaled one another and attempted to render one another invalid, so they were not the best role models in that regard.

Kyle and Julio stumbled over sleepily, seemingly more than ready to find out why they were not in bed yet. All the conversation going on between the adults in the lobby was exceedingly dull to them, especially when all they wanted to do was flop down into a soft bed and take a trip to dreamland.

"Can we go to bed now," Julio asked as he tugged at Nero's sleeve, his best pleading look spread across his face. He was in no mood for this." I'm tired and so is Kyle."

Kyle said nothing, still skirting the line between acute sleep deprivation and face-planting on the floor in a fully comatose state. He seemed to register that they were talking, but couldn't care less about what they were discussing. If it didn't have to do with sleeping, it was of no interest to him.

Nero gestured towards Vergil with a tilt of his head, obviously agreeing that it was time for them to turn in for the night. "You're going with Vergil. Don't give him a hard time."

The oldest of the three young boys pivoted slowly towards Vergil, giving him a sideways look before turning back to Nero with an almost concerned look. He clearly wasn't sure how he felt about the change in arrangements. After a moment, he sighed and yawned sleepily. His body and the adults had made the decision for him. With a conformation glance at his little brother Kyle who only shrugged in disinterest, he glanced back up at Vergil again and rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"I guess we're okay. I just wanna go to sleep."

Vergil didn't think he'd ever agree with a five year old, but life was strange sometimes.

Without warning, Nero hoisted Carlo into Vergil’s unsuspecting arms, sufficiently taking the older demon slayer by surprise. Vergil received the giggling boy, but shot his son a conflicted glance, eyebrow raised. He hadn’t signed up to be slobbered on.

“Yea, you're gonna want to carry him upstairs. He has a hard time with stairs.” Nero said, taking a few steps towards V. He was warming up to the idea of going to sleep, especially after seeing his older sibling yawn yet again. V seemed to be lingering in the lobby out of courtesy.

Vergil held the small child up under the arms, looking at him as though he were a wet puppy who had just tracked mud through the house. Carlo continued to giggle to himself, reaching his short arm out to boop Vergil on the nose. The blue devil blinked in momentary disbelief before closing his eyes and shaking his head slightly. This was going to be a long night.

(-~-)

"Goodnight friend! I'm gonna sleep now. Bye bye!"

Vergil cursed every fiber in his body, both human and demon, that this child had so much energy. He was starting to wonder sarcastically if he'd dodged a bullet by not being present during either of his children's childhoods. Well, at least Nero's. If V's current personality was anything to go by, he was probably an easy child to handle. Nero on the other hand was probably much like this boy. Insatiable and unwilling to let him rest regardless of his level of willingness to compromise with him.

First, he'd tried talking to him when he'd started asking him a million unintelligible questions. Then he'd carved out of a desperate desire to sleep and allowed the child to sleep at the foot of his bed like he'd been so keen to do, a compromise that he was now totally regretting due to the fact that the little boy couldn't seem to stay still. Nero possessed far more patience than he had originally figured, and he was slightly horrified to see just how little he possessed himself. Had that been the point of this entire endeavor? To make him suffer in the same way that he had made them suffer himself? If so, it was definitely working because he was about two seconds from throwing himself out for the window to the cold embrace of the pavement and perhaps finally some form of rest.

Unfortunately death had never allowed him to escape his problems, so he wasn't sure how well that plan would work out. For now, he seemed to be stuck with the hell he'd made for himself. And he was not the least bit pleased. Somehow sleep always eluded him when he actually wanted it, but this was another thing entirely. Never before had a creature so small had such a profound ability to drive him absolutely insane. He couldn't help but shake his head slightly at the moment of clarity that overtook him at the realization that his must have been what his own parents felt like when they had been forced to grapple with him and his trouble-making twin as children. How they had ever kept their composure and not carted them both off to some remote tropical island in a produce crate to be eaten by wild animals was beyond him.

And yet, he couldn't bring himself to be angry at the child.

It was truly strange, but he just couldn't.

While he'd been laying there questioning what crime he had committed that had cursed him in such a manner, little Carlo had clambered up towards the head of the bed and flopped down next to him, taking the opportunity to try and tuck in his little stuffed animal. Vergil hadn't noticed the type of animal that it was, but he knew that it was half as big as the child that owned it, and he apparently refused to sleep without it. Due to the attack on their house just a few months ago that he himself had perpetrated, the little boy was scared to sleep without something to keep him company. The stuffed bear had apparently been a gift from Kyrie to help ease his fears.

Perhaps it was guilt from the fact that he had emotionally scarred a child that was just shy of three years old. Maybe it was the exhaustion setting in. Or maybe, just maybe Vergil had come to the realization that he just couldn't be bothered to combat the child any further and had finally met an opponent that he couldn't defeat. It didn't matter anymore. Carlo had won, and Vergil was going to have to tolerate the tiny child hugging him the entire night like he was an especially long body pillow. He could only hope that he didn't snore or drool, otherwise he just might stab himself.

And he couldn't even find it in himself to be angry.

There was a part of Vergil that wanted to laugh at how preposterous the entire situation was to him. He, the legendary Darkslayer and oldest son to the Great Dark Knight Sparda; usurper to the demon throne and defier of death itself… was but a plaything in the hands of an infant. And for some horrifying reason that he couldn't even begin to care about, he was entirely content with that fact. How had things taken such a drastic turn?

The entire point was moot. He would worry about it in the morning after he returned the little usurper to his legal guardians. His bed might be a bit less cold and might contain fewer pairs of stray socks, but he was sure he would survive. After all, he'd been through much worse. He was willing to tolerate the actions of an adorable curly haired child, at least for one night.

(-~-)

Wow, this chapter was so fun to write! Thanks a bunch for that comment about Vergil spending time with his grandchildren, Rawrbox! It led to such a fun writing experience! I actually strapped the original version of this chapter and chose to go with this. RIP the extra 600 words that I’d written before I read your comment! I hope everyone has a good day, and I’ll see you again on Friday! 

[thewillingnessproject]

Why you shouldn’t shame a narcissist

We can trace narcissistic behaviors to a narrow set of coping strategies for anxiety.

In other words, a method for controlling the environment to reduce certain thoughts and feelings that are painful to experience. Someone who is "a narcissist" is someone who engages in behaviors to manipulate the environment in order to reduce the turmoil that's inside of them.

Most narcissists suffer greatly from feelings of inferiority and fear of abandonment. They lack a fledged out "I"- a sense of "self"- and make up for that by generating a grandiose, bold identity. It's an armor. It looks tough, but it's frail.

Narcissists put a lot of effort into controlling their environment, too. Because life is often unpredictable, and the sad truth that people do leave (they die, change jobs, etc.), trying to hold onto the goodness of connection and so on, results in the unwanted feelings. For instance, I have a mentor who lived nearby for a few years. She then moved hours away. It happens. For some people, however, abandonment (or FEAR of abandonment) can lead to developing narcissistic traits.

Narcissism isn't a disease. It's an adaptive method of control. Some LEARNS these behaviors.

So narcissists will tend to make a lot of chaos. As long as they were responsible for it, they feel a sense of control. It's kind of a paradox: more chaos mean more sense of control. Narcissists push people away. Again, they don't get the connection they deeply desire, but at least they were in charge of the pushing, and weren't abandoned by someone else.

It's a vacuum, however. Because the controlling leads to more chaos and loneliness, the temporary relief from fear works, but the long term relief is never gained. So narcissists get very good at manipulating the environment to make it seem like it's not them, it's you. Doing so gets them off the hook for their own self-defeating behaviors.

Partners of narcissists, for instance, are often confused, unsure if they are responsible for problems. They might be manipulated into apologizing for their behavior, when actuality, it's their narcissistic partners who are problematic.

We all possess some narcissism. In small dosages it's normal and not often an issue. Many celebrities and politicians are more narcissistic than others, though- reaching a status of power creates a sense of control. Again, the environment might be controlled, but the internal fears and lack of "I" festers and festers. More power is gained. More fear.

Only narcissists who are willing to step out of this cycle can begin to develop new, more functional behaviors.

This article is about the narcissist who isn't:

So, let's just say, hypothetically, that we have a narcissist in a position of extreme power, like a president, (or something). And let's say that this president (or whatever position) is nearing the end of his term. That's right: he might be losing power, losing control of his environment. It's very likely his manipulative behaviors will increase in a desperate grasp for control.

Someone in this position will lean towards eliciting chaos, fear, anger, and so on because, once again, it's more predictable than harmony, closeness, and wellness.

Let's say someone like this is president during a pandemic. He likely didn't start the pandemic, but he will absolutely want to leverage the chaos and fear a pandemic creates in people.

And if the climate is- (still hypothetically, of course)- in a terrible state, this same politician might want to disrupt the climate more, harm the environment more. He might want to drill deeper. There's some power in that, when the reverse- trying to heal the planet- is a bigger unknown.

And let's say that something like racism is an entrenched and horrific source of separation and anger. This guy didn't start racism, but he will leverage it for his own benefit.

Therefore, you have someone who wants you to feel angry at him, to yell at him, to fight him. This ensures he has a sense of power and control. He adds it to his armor. He's not the problem. You are because you're the one yelling and fussing. He's in power and only doing his job.

And, like most narcissists, this person of power will likely be very good at having people feel confused, angry, isolated, and so on.

He may, for instance, want people in masks, not because it's a healthy thing to do, but because it covers up our faces. We can't see or connect with people. The masks elicit a sense of fear and division. This matches this guy's own inability to connect with people, and constant fear of "getting to close to someone."

If he can't get close to others, he won't want you to be able to either!

If you don't agree with the policies, bullshit tweets, and responses to global crises that this person makes, you might call him out. You might swear about him on social media. You might argue with him. You might feel angry, scared, and so on. It certainly feels productive to hold him accountable by not ignoring his unhelpful, destructive behaviors.

However, I urge you to consider that your approach might actually be fueling the narcissist.

He wants to be pushed away, wrong, and terrible. This proves his schema of a broken, messed up fake. He doesn't have to change because he's right. You're wrong.

To work with narcissists, I'm going to encourage you to get beneath this armor and speak to the wounded, frail disaster within. When he wants to take rights away from the LGBTQ+ community, you can say:

"I can see why you'd want to do that. This community has been gaining support and rights, and is a strong, beautiful community fighting for the goodness of all people. I'm not surprised you're trying to hurt something so much more powerful than you are."

When he tells police to "not be so nice" to "criminals", you can say:

"I'm not surprised you want people to be meaner to one another. If people are kind to one another, there's no disconnect. We're all working together. Except you. You're on the outs. No one can work with you. It's us against you. Too bad you can't be a part of us. We are strong and powerful."

Beyond that, can you love the narcissist?

I'm not saying adore, praise, or admire him. I'm saying love him. A mother who loves her child will hold him accountable for his actions. Love is unpredictable, uncontrollable. To tell the narcissist, "You must be suffering a great deal inside. No one suffering that much would try and hurt others. I see your vast suffering. I'm going to ask that you find another way to heal your own pain. This way will not work."

I read many honest, sometimes humorous stabs at particular narcissists in power right now. One by Motley Crew drummer Tommy Lee is particularly enjoyable.

I appreciate the brutal pushing, the naming of his fucked up behaviors. I also know that this gives the narcissist the sense of power he wants.

We do need social change. Big time. Our education, penal, food, and health systems need drastic overhauls. Any anger, confusion, hatred, or scorn you feel is completely valid. I'm not asking you to ignore those feelings. I'm suggesting that how you go about making change isn't going to work. It's going to make things worse.

I, for one, hope to help narcissists contact the pain beneath their armor. I want them to know that I see them for who they are beneath the facade; wounded and scared. I don't want to let them trick me into interacting with the armor. There are many ways to fight injustice, times and places to shout, scream, yell, speak, be heard. Don't go silent.

Hold boundaries with the narcissist in a dispassionate way. Say, "This is the limit." And importantly, don't disconnect, isolate, operate from fear or rage. This feeds the narcissistic traits in an otherwise hurt person.

[nightfayre]

Hey. This is something that has been on my mind for a loooong time, but why do you think He Tian was not allowed to keep that dog?? He family seems wealthy, surely they could have afforded a puppy or even ten dogs. what was the point of forbidding he Tian to keep it around??

i’ve never been more excited (or more depressed) to answer an ask. strap in, because this is an emotional and exceptionally long response…

i talked of this briefly in one of my other answers, but if you don’t take away anything else from this post, at least remember this: He Tian was not allowed to feel as a child. and as terrible as that sounds, think about it logically: his family is reputable in the underground world, and sacrifices – whether it be monetary, territorial, or (worst case scenario) people – is common practice. you don’t have time to feel connected to things when you lead a life in which anything can be taken from you at a moment’s notice. of course, it’s better to teach people these kinds of harsh lessons when they’re young because they’re easily influenced and more susceptible to change. and that was exactly He Cheng’s intent when he took the puppy away from He Tian.

but He Cheng is not the bad guy in this equation, and let me tell you why. in fact, let’s break it down piece by piece. not only was someone (He Cheng) unnecessarily injured because of He Tian’s pity for the drowning puppy, but He Tian also was traumatized by almost being swept away by the river and injuring his older brother as a result. He Cheng was aware of this, and he knew that He Tian wasn’t going to make it in their family’s line of business if he was so easily swayed by emotions (and emotionally-driven impulses) at the snap of a finger. the opportunity to prepare He Tian for the real world was practically placed in He Cheng’s palm, and so he did something he thought was generally harmless in the long run: take the puppy (or, more importantly, a symbol of “unnecessary” baggage) away from He Tian.

little did He Cheng know, he fucked up by doing this. now, the consequences of separating He Tian and the puppy are painfully obvious: He Tian can no longer sympathize with others, create meaningful relationships, communicate his desires in an acceptable way, or surround himself with things that are “useless” (hence the reason why his apartment is so empty with the exception of the bare necessities). on one hand, He Cheng succeeded: he taught He Tian that emotions and disadvantageous connections/objects are a waste of time. he gave He Tian a taste of what he needs if he wants to be secured in the mafia world. he was trying to protect He Tian. but on the other hand, He Tian took the lesson too far. in He Tian’s mind, friendships with classmates and making his home, well, a home is not worth the effort. whether he wants to admit it or not, his life is lonely and dull and it can all be traced back to the meaningful connection he was denied as a child. it can all be traced back to the puppy – his trauma.

so no, anon, He Tian keeping the dog had nothing to do with financial or space-related reasons. the entire ordeal had more to do with teaching He Tian a lesson in the triad lifestyle – but, unfortunately, it scarred him instead. and this scarring can be seen most prominently in his current loneliness and his inability to properly and respectfully pursue the one thing he’s come to love since rescuing the puppy: Mo Guan Shan.

but don’t be too hard on He Tian; he’s starting to relearn how to feel and treat others. after all, his desire to protect is still present, such as when he rushed to save Jian Yi from getting kidnapped and saved Guan Shan from She Li’s mishaps. it’s all just a matter of time, and time will eventually help him heal. no matter how he may look, He Tian is just not cut out for the underground lifestyle. He Cheng probably knows this now, too, and he certainly regrets doing this to He Tian (after all, why else would he keep the dog around?).

i don’t know, anon. it’s a painful topic, and it certainly had a terrible impact on He Tian. still, i think there’s hope for his development precisely because of this trauma, and his development will most likely be seen in tianshan’s continued relationship/interactions.

[star-anise]

So. I’m currently reading Arrows of the Queen, by Mercedes Lackey, since it was finally released on audiobook this year. Re-reading, in fact; reading these books as a 31-year-old therapist instead of a starry-eyed 13-year-old. 

I ranted the other night about the book's depiction of Elspeth as "spoiled" instead of "abused", and @feathersescapism (as part of the post's excellent and thoughtful contributions) said this about Mercedes Lackey:

It’s so effing messy for me because like on the one hand she saved my life. She was the VERY first place I saw loving, validated, celebrated queer relationships and ironically Vanyel was the first time I saw an example of someone who was angry and hurt and messy and bad at people and bullied but not a passive victim be portrayed as fundamentally loveable. As in fact valuable enough, worthy enough to be PURSUED, even, to have someone make the effort to get past his hostile defense behaviors. That was priceless to me. Unfortunately it’s like….it was water when I was dying of thirst but it turns out it was water laced with heavy metals that then did a lot of long term damage.

Which is partly just a concentration thing; if you are drinking from many wells, having one be poisoned won't damage you as much overall. But if it's your only source of water, even trace amounts get dangerous. And, well, we were Eighties babies, mentally ill queer kids with access to small-town libraries who ducked guidance counsellors who pushed conformity as the path to happiness.

So I just found a scene that I think really shows that Lackey was writing from a specifically 80s understanding of psychology, before we knew almost anything about trauma; as considered today, it's bad practice on multiple levels, and can point to some of the underlying problems with the Valdemar worldview.

TW child abuse, child neglect

So in this part of the book, 13-year-old Talia, who was rescued from her awful abusive life among the Holderkin by a giant magical horse, is settling into her new life as a Herald-trainee. She attends classes during the day, and then sleeps in her own room in a dormitory wing of her fellow trainees. Her teachers know that she displays all the symptoms of an abused child, and that she's from an extremely insular and rigid culture.

Her teacher, Teren, asks her to stay after class, and she does, wary and panicked because she doesn't know what's going on. He explains that the Heralds sent a letter back to her family to explain that her disappearance was because of the magical horse choosing her as a future Herald, and they get half-taxes that year and she's going to be very important. Her family, however, replies to say only, "Sensholding has no daughter Talia." Because she ran away instead of staying and getting married, she is disobedient and bad, and therefore totally shunned by her entire community.

She didn't realize she was weeping until a single hot tear splashed on the paper, blurring the ink. She regained control of herself immediately, swallowing down the tears. [...] It was odd, but when she'd chosen to run away, their certain excommunication hadn't seemed so great a price to pay for freedom; but somehow now, after all her hopes for forgiveness had been raised only to be destroyed by this one note-- Never mind; once again she was on her own--and Herald Teren would hardly approve of her sniveling over the situation. "It's all right," she said, handing back the note to the Herald. "I should have expected it." She was proud that her voice only trembled a little, and that she was able to meet his eyes squarely. Teren was startled and slightly alarmed; not at her reaction to the note, but by her immediate iron-willed suppression of it. This was not a healthy response. She should have allowed herself the weakness of tears; any child her age should have. Instead, she was holding back, turning further into herself. He tried, tentatively, to call those tears back to the surface where they belonged. Such suppression of natural feelings could only mean deep emotional turmoil later--and would only serve as one more brick in the wall the child had placed between herself and the others around her. "I wish there was something I could do to help." Teren was exceedingly distressed and tried to show that he was as much distressed at the child's denial of her own grief as with the situation itself. "I can't understand why they should have replied like this." If he could just get her to at least admit that the situation made her unhappy, he would have an opening wedge in getting her to trust him. [...] "I'm going to be late--" Talia winced away from the outheld hand and ran, wishing Teren had been less sympathetic. He'd brought her tears perilously close to the surface again. She'd wanted, above all other things, to break down and cry on his shoulder. But--no. She didn't dare. When kith and kin could deny her so completely, what might not strangers do, especially if she exposed her weaknesses? And Heralds were supposed to be self-sufficient, self-reliant. She would not show that she was unworthy and weak.

What I took away from this book, at 13 and during most successive readings, was that the fault in this situation is Talia's unwillingness to trust Teren and break down. It is her inability to open up emotionally to her deep, vulnerable feelings that causes problems. I suspect that my reading is not terribly far off the narrative's own perception of the central problem. In the 1980s, psychology was very based around the individual, the dance of the id, ego, and superego. Talia's problem is that she has an overactive superego, which prevents her from expressing her natural feelings in a healthy way. She uses unhealthy coping mechanisms, which must be overcome to achieve health and full congruence with her feelings. This runs very much on the catharsis model, where emotions build up like a boil, and must be lanced; once someone "vents", they feel better.

Now, at 31, and trained to help vulnerable 13-year-olds, I can see a lot of differences in how I'd assess the problem now. The trauma field especially has come to understand that humans are essentially relational beings; our brains are born in relationships. We function best in relationships. We need, more than anything else, to feel connected and understood. And then, above that: we are beings in brains and bodies. Our consciousness is limited by the hardware it runs on. If our body is dedicating all its resources to fight-or-flight, we cannot be rational, logical thinkers. We need to understand how to regulate our own emotions, both by personal actions and through relationships with others, to achieve health. It takes repeated, patterned practice to master the skills of understanding and moderating those emotions. Coping mechanisms may be unhealthy, but as I was taught in grad school, "All psychopathology was adaptive once." If you're going to take away someone's unhealthy coping mechanism, you need to have first replaced it with something healthier.

So looking at this scene now, I can point out that Talia represses her emotions instantly because in her family of origin, she got beaten up for crying. Her teachers have already observed that she has the defensive and startle-reactions of an abused child. It should not be very hard for Teren to put two and two together and think: She has been systematically trained to view emotion as unsafe. 

He could, at this point, make the rules of their current situation clear: "It's all right to cry. You don't have to put on a brave face for me." This would let Talia know that she won't lose support or status if she cries. But that assumes, frankly, that she can cry; that the experience of being vulnerable in front of another human being wouldn't be too overwhelming, perhaps terrifying, for her to bear. He could also validate that, and let Talia know he sees her and understands. "It'd be all right if you let that guard down, but it looks like you've got a lot of experience with dealing with hard knocks. If you ever do want to talk about it, I'm here."

It's important for him not to try to force her to show feeling the way he thinks she should. He doesn't actually know that it's safe, or that he's safe. Traumatized people need, more than almost anything else, to achieve a measure of control over their own emotions and bodies. They need to be able to make themselves calm when they need to be calm, and not to be ambushed with sadness or fear out of the blue. It should be, more than anything, Talia's decision of when and where to express her emotions. Is bottling it all up unhealthy for her? Oh, probably. She might get depression later this month, or heart disease in 40 years. But being forced to cry when she's not ready to can leave her feeling violated and retraumatized, right here, right now.

The thing that makes crying comforting for most people is that they have a very deep pattern etched on their brains: They cry, someone comforts them, their pain recedes, they feel calmer. It's the pattern of a thousand hungry wakeups as a baby where someone was gentle and kind and fed them. It's skinned knees kissed and broken toys mended. But Talia probably doesn't have that; her experience of crying has been that she's punished and abused for it, and as an infant whose mother died in childbirth, she probably wasn't adequately nurtured either to build those good associations in the first place. Crying just takes her into a deeper place of loneliness and self-hatred. So for her to soothe herself, she might need to be taught very basic ways of doing that--to take a break, to do something she loves, to get a hug from a friend. Her traditional reaction has been to mask her emotions, and to self-isolate and let those feelings of pain and alienation swamp her.

What he could even do, as I sometimes do as a therapist, is respect that repression as a way of coping and roll with it. If someone can only bear the most glancing reference to their trauma? Then glance. Use black humour or obvious irony to acknowledge the situation without engaging with its emotional depth. “So, you know, no big deal. I bet that’s what you’ve always wanted.” So long as it’s paired with other kinds of real caring--especially useful, immediate help and close emotional attunement--that’s not out of place.

One thing he seems to have assumed is that of course, if your family is awful and devastating, you get to take the morning off to cry. I can only assume that's why he's pushing her to cry at the end of class, when she has another one to go to right after. But she might not know that. Certainly her familyexpected that if they did something awful and devastating, Talia needed to get back to work as soon as possible. Teren doesn't discuss this, and I think it's important; Talia goes to something like four other classes, has lunch, and reads for an hour before she finally gets to do anything relevant to taking care of her emotions. Implicitly, the idea that schedule and routine supercede emotions, and that emotional work takes second place, gets reinforced by the system that thinks it's "saving" her.

The other thing traumatized people struggle with, next to control, is connection. Trauma is hugely isolating; it reroutes resources away from the parts of the brain that foster social connection, so people literally lose track of anyone who might be loving and supportive, and it's hard to make ordinary people understand what you're going through. This is part of why Teren showing Talia all his distress isn't really good for her; he's overloading her still further with natural empathy for his emotions, increasing the weight she has to carry mentally, but not reinforcing her connections. He doesn't remind her that other Heralds are her family now, nor does he give her help in how to reach out to anyone.

Who might Teren remind her of? As much as he's taking on the role of The Person She Can Be Emotional To, he's hardly ever in her life; this is the last day of their week-long class where he met her for one hour a morning. He could encourage her to talk to one of her regular teachers, including his twin Keren, who teaches her equitation, or the cook, in whose kitchen Talia is most confident and in her element. If her dormitory had older Heralds who lived there in a kind of supervisory or mentoring role, spending hours of unstructured free time with the trainees, he could direct her to one of them. He could even direct her to her age-peers, with whom she lives, who might not be the most emotionally attuned but certainly seem to be the group with whom the Heralds expect her to do most of her emotional bonding.

Or he could--now here's a thought--suggest she spend the rest of the morning with the magical psychic horse who can beam rays of love and devotion directly into her brain.

But he doesn't. It is only after Talia has attended classes on history, geography, mathematics, etiquette, and archery, eaten lunch, read for an hour, and cried in the back of the sewing room, that she finally sees her magic horse. And she does feel a bit better! But by then, her major adrenaline has worn off, and with it the ability to etch memories deeply into her brain; the first hours after her shock were spent ignoring her feelings and being disconnected from people who didn't notice she was in pain, thus reinforcing all her old traumatic impressions.

So the book sets up a recurring number of incidents where Talia's loneliness and isolation is reinforced by the world around her; where no one provides her the necessary scaffolding to help her build bridges with other people and develop the skills to be healthier; and then, as happens throughout the series, when something bad happens to her, she is blamed for being so isolated and repressed. 

When I was 13, I had no framework to understand any of this. On the schoolyard, I'd been taught many of Talia's lessons about the dangers of showing weakness, and in the classroom, about the importance of repressing emotions; I used her as an emotional model. (Later in the books, Talia lbecomes an Empath and Mind-Healer, which hugely impacted my decision to become a therapist.) But then, when her loneliness turned into defencelessness and her lack of emotional control turned into instability, the narrative said it was her fault for not being healthier. And so I thought: Yes. It is completely reasonable to provide a young person with no emotional support at all, and then get mad at them for being fucked up.

And so there's lead in the water.