#life without art is a sad one indeed

[luxlightly]

Drawing steps

Step 1: try to draw

Step 2: fail to draw

Step 3: 10-30 of the most intense, violent anger, self loathing and impulse to break things and/or self harm ever felt by mankind

Step 4: anywhere between a few hours to a few weeks of depression and suicidal ideation, occasionally going back to extreme self loathing and anger

Step 5: wait until the temptation to try again grows too strong to resist and go back to step 1

( at least this time my anger and frustration was slightly less aimed at myself and more outwardly aimed at fate. So i guess that's progress. We'll see how long step 4 lasts. In the meantime I'll be face down in bed listening to "please please please let me get what I want" by the Smiths when it doesn't make me want to kill myself too strongly)

[autistichalsin]

My case for Halsin x Art Cullagh as a ship

First of all, these are two characters with a LOT in common. Both are intimately tied to the Shadow Curse. Both lost everything because of it: Halsin lost his homeland and Thaniel, while Art lost (temporarily) his sanity and would eventually lose his life to it.

Both care very deeply for Thaniel (and, later, Oliver). Thaniel was Halsin's first friend, who "made (Halsin) who (he) is today", while Thaniel helped Art in the Shadowfell. Thaniel played with both of them. Both of them felt protective- one might say paternal- towards Thaniel. Art tells the player that Thaniel is a sweet soul- too sweet for the Shadowfell- and he can't wait for the player to meet him.

Both are kind, gentle souls with a strong sense of justice and a call to do right in the world- Halsin by fighting against threats like the Shadow Curse and the Absolute, Art by being a Flaming Fist.

The link through Thaniel is strong (and not just in the "Thaniel has two daddies" sense). Thaniel tells Art about Halsin; Art repeatedly says that Thaniel told him that only Halsin can save him, that Thaniel "spoke of little else".

After being comatose for who knows how long, when Art startles awake and calls out for Thaniel, the first person he sees- and the first person to speak to him- is Halsin. Halsin, who instantly kneels to softly, kindly tell him to relax and breathe- a heartwarming way to be introduced to someone (and indeed, the devnotes say, "warm. Good bedside manner.") As soon as Halsin mentions that he too wants to help Thaniel, Art recognizes him, saying in shock (perhaps amazement?) "You're... you're Halsin," before repeating his request that Halsin find Thaniel. Which Halsin instantly agrees to, but repeats that he needs Art's help, and Art gives it.

When the curse is lifted, Halsin tells the player how sad he is to be leaving Thaniel's realm, how he hopes Thaniel and Oliver will stay as a pair because then they can have a friend after he's gone... clearly missing them, but knowing he has a greater mission in stopping the Absolute. What does Art say if you talk to him in the act 2 epilogue? That he feels Thaniel should have someone with him when he wakes, so he's staying. One might even argue that Art staying is the reason Halsin felt so comfortable leaving- sad, yes, but not worried. He knew Thaniel and Oliver were in good hands with Art. He trusted the two halves of his best friend to Art.

Art knows, tragically, that he's going to die soon after. He mentions it to the player, and in the epilouge, he sends this note to the player:

To an old acquaintance, I write to you from the sunny porch of the Last Light Inn. A light breeze blows now and then. People are milling in and out - builders, visitors, the children of all ages in Halsin's care. I can no longer hold a quill, or eat without assistance - a kind friend is transcribing this for me. Thaniel, re-joined with Oliver, has promised to be with me when the end comes, and as our old songs drift on the wind, ever louder, I know I have mere days left. But I do not fear it. If not for your help, this land would still be shrouded in darkness, and I'd still be lost within it. Know that my heart is full and happy, and I am grateful for my last moments. Do visit some day. And if you have time to stop by an old Flaming Fist's grave, I know I'd love to see you. Art Cullagh

Halsin and Art are still in contact. Art lived long enough to get to see Reithwin being reconstructed- by Halsin. Halsin lifted his shadow, Thaniel and Oliver's shadow, and brought Art peace during his last days- including the peace of having his close friends with him as the end comes. And presumably, Halsin himself stays- it's hard to imagine that Halsin, of all people, wouldn't.

They just work really well as a tragic ship, brought together by loss and heartbreak.

Fittingly, that extends into scenarios when one of them dies. If Halsin dies before act 2, or dies when the portal collapses, and the player tells Art this, he is heartbroken- while he frames it primarily in terms of being sad the curse can never be broken now, he must also be sad that Thaniel's friend has been lost, too.

And if Art dies (either because Last Light fell or for some other reason) and the player learns what they need from Art's corpse? Well.... let's just say that Halsin has some VERY strong things to say for someone he barely knows.

Halsin: That is what I needed to know. It should be cause for joy, but... that poor man didn't have to die.

Player: His existence was worse than death. Now he's at peace, and we have what we need.

Halsin: True. But are we still deserving? Only time and nature can tell.

To think that he might not be worthy any longer of breaking the Shadow Curse because a man he barely knows died is.... quite an intense emotion. Almost illogical, and Halsin is an extremely reasonable person. Make of that what you will.

Alternatively:

Player: There was no other way.

Halsin: You can claim it so... but I don't think it will ever be true. Oak Father willing, we will soon lift the curse from this place. But I suspect a shadow will linger here, because of what was done to that man.

Again... these are VERY intense emotions. Understandably so, of course- Art was clearly Thaniel's friend, and he suffered so much only to die. But if Last Light falls, MANY people die besides Art, yet Halsin is focused on him- the only other person he mentions with quite this much grief is Isobel, and even she doesn't get a mention from him here. "A shadow will linger here, because of what was done to that man"? Not "what was done to those people" or even "what was done to Art and the others"? It is.... a very interesting way of phrasing it.

In conclusion: Halsin cares Art A LOT, Art deserves peace and happiness, and Thaniel and Oliver deserve two daddies. Flaming Bear is the ultimate tragic doomed ship and we are sleeping on this ship

[rxttenbxnes]

Hello! Do you have any fun headcanons to share about Idia? Honestly, I just find it painful to see how badly this guy gets butchered in headcanons sometimes. People always forget that he is in fact a complete ass with a massive superiority-inferiority complex and not just a sad boi, or they overplay the weeb part and ignore how he has other interests like science and art, or they make him too pathetic by assuming he would still be a blushing incoherent mess like a year into marriage, etc. Anyway, it’d just be nice to hear the headcanons of an actual Idia fan since that’s the only way to get anything sane.

Omg totally, first I'mma do a little rant, I'll make sure to label where the HCS begin so y'all don't have to read my rants 😭

܀⊹ ིྀ🕸 ۫ ִ ׂ💭 ◟♡ ˒ ⊹ ݁ ִ  ۫🎮ೄྀ⊹܀

❱❱﹒⟡﹒𝑅𝑎𝑛𝑡﹢﹒🎮

Okay we gotta acknowledge the fact idia is indeed, an asshole you guys. 💀Well not completely obviously but he's not just gonna be nice to you for no reason. He's not just some depressed dude needing sympathy.

The way Idia is so Infantilzed by the fandom it's actually gets me tweakin, You guys this actually makes me mad, he's not some sensitive bottom uwu boy that stutters 50 times every sentence In fact I honestly cannot see him being submissive half of the time, this man is actually a asshole on the low. Most people get the fact that idia would be submissive from his shy and closed off personality which is just SO wrong to me.

Idia is extremely pessimistic and if we're being real Idia is actually not a good narrator for his own experiences, the constant self deprecation mixed in with his his thoughts about being superior to others is so fascinating to me, one moment he sees himself as nothing but a piece of trash while in the next moment he's boasting about how he's the only one component enough to be ignihyde's dorm leader. He's such a complex character I can Yap about him constantly

I get making jokes and stuff but some people genuinely think idia is some stinky incel creep that hates women and just purposely chooses to not go outside and be chronically online. Like yeah, he has nerdy and loser like hobbies but this man literally has trauma and chronic depression, along with an anxiety disorder, it's not something he can just make disappear. He likes science, engineering, art, anime, games etc which is all just cool, it's not like he's some creep that's afraid to talk to people, nor is he some super submissive guy that'll fold for you in a tiny interaction.

Had to get ts off my chest 💀

܀⊹ ིྀ🕸 ۫ ִ ׂ💭 ◟♡ ˒ ⊹ ݁ ִ  ۫🎮ೄྀ⊹܀

܀⊹ ིྀ𝐼𝑑𝑖𝑎 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠 🎮ೄྀ⊹܀

🎧 Caramelldansen. Idia adores this song unironically. At first he had just saw the meme and quickly ended up falling into the whole thing, laying on the floor completely dazed out of his mind as the colorful lights flash in the background from the music video playing on repeat lol

🎮 I said this in my earlier post but Idia definitely draws his crushes all the time. Luckily he has a little self control and draws anime/manga characters in most of the pages, he's really protective over his sketch book due to 1.) His social anxiety and 2.) The fact that he doesn't want anyone to know that he likes drawing and observing people, especially his crushes.

🎧 Idia constantly has his headphones on, I know of a fact that Idia listens to Nightcore, anime OSTs, Vocaloid, animation meme music, Vkei, video game sound tracks and breakcore religiously. I think idia would honestly listen to everything he can get his hands on

🎮 I feel like he had a 2020 alt kid phase lol. I feel like quarantine would've been his time to thrive, his peak enjoyment of life would be set during this time lol. Being able to express himself like he wanted without others seeing??? Sign him up

🎧 Ironically, he's not super weak. I feel like he just sucks at physical activity, especially running since he doesn't leave his room much. His hands/fist are definitely strong, I feel like he has a strong hit.

🎮 That being said, I think Idia’s hands are large, thin and boney. They definitely have a few scars and calluses from all the machinery he works with, you can't tell me that his hands aren't pretty rough.

🎧 Idia is a fashion icon, in games. Not irl, he would never due to the attention it would grab him, though he definitely is into all of the alternative and Gothic fashion stuff. He'll give his characters the most perfect and pretty outfits and make sure everything is customized perfectly, not mind at all if it takes him hours to do so.

🎮 This man definitely collects figures. I feel like they're all anime and video game figures; he's even commission artist and such to make custom work of his favorite interest and brag online about it.

🎧 Has an habit of repeating words and phrases he likes over and over again. It doesn't matter if it's from an obscure meme that literally only 5 people including him know or if it's in a different language, he'll constantly reference and repeat it like no tomorrow.

🎮 He's a biter. He bites a lot of things randomly, he'd bite someone out of love if he got the chance. I'm telling you he'll just naw on random stuff, not caring if it's edible or not. It could literally be a plushy and he'll randomly bite it while he's hugging it.

🎧 Idia definitely finds confort in the rain and gloom weather. Really, he just enjoys typically gloomy things. It's extremely comforting and relaxing to him to just be able to sit on his bed with his headphones on while it rains harshly outside, making the world around him dark and gloomy.

🎮 Curses, like a lot. Gamer rage is real you guys and he definitely has it. If he loses a game too many times or gets too frustrated with his teammates, he'll curse like a sailor. His anger isn't directly to his teammates or anything, it's of him being frustrated with everything in general.

܀⊹ ིྀ🕸 ۫ ִ ׂ💭 ◟♡ ˒ ⊹ ݁ ִ  ۫🎮ೄྀ⊹܀

[blackswaneuroparedux]

My mother was right: When you've got nothing left, all you can do is get into silk underwear and start reading Proust.

Jane Birkin

...or spend one night in bed with Brigitte Bardot. As a much older male literary friend once said to me , one night with Brigitte Bardot would make up for not reading Proust and answer any existential questions one would have about life and meaning.

Unfortunately most of don't have that luxury and so the next best thing to do is to try and read Proust.

‘À la recherche du temps perdu’ (In Search of Lost Time) is a novel dedicated thoroughly and deeply to love. In a sense, it serves as a compendium of the different ways we can love, do love, and should love. Of course, one of its central insights is into the ways that we shouldn’t love - whether that means loving the wrong person or in the wrong way. If you’ve ever wondered whether Proust is more about love or heartbreak you realise, once you’ve actually read him, you realise you can’t cleanly separate the two. Proust routinely explores the very specific strain of sadness that can only occur in romance. In doing so it is also in part about virtue, vice, prejudice, and folly.

Reading Proust expands your universe and your inner life for at the core is a set of big, wonderful, difficult questions about life.  Here are a few of them: how we can feel at home in the world; how we can find genuine connection with other human beings; how we can find enchantment in a world without God or if indeed is it possible; how art can transform our lives; whether an artist’s life can shed light on her work; what we can know about reality, other people, and ourselves; when not knowing is better than knowing; who we are really, deep down; what memory tells us about our inner world; why it might be good to think of our life as a story; and how we can feel like a single, unified person when we are torn apart by competing desires and change over time.

Moreover to read Proust is to read about ourselves through someone else trying - and ultimately failing, as we all fail - to capture the past. We are interested in our pasts, not least because our past has made us what we are. Our past is filed with treasures and disappointments, missed opportunities, and regrets, all of which fascinate us: the full value of the treasures can never be recovered, but as compensation we have the rest to mull over as we sip our tea and take a bite of a Madeleine.

RIP Jane Birkin (1946-2023)

[andy-wm]

Why Jungkook made an explicit version of SEVEN, and why we should be thanking him for it.

The answer to the first question is short:

Because he wanted to.

THAT'S IT, AND IT'S ENOUGH.

It's his song, his career, his voice, his time. It's his choice. He doesn't need OUR approval and he certainly doesn't need our permission.

I think we should be thanking him frankly.

Not just because he made a sexy song although I think it's more sweet than sexy personally but also because it's started so many conversations that I think we need to have.

And that's what is really on my mind, The conversations we need to have, not just about JK and his artistry and his choices, but also about ARMY. About us as human beings.

Let's start with him...

JK's Adult Life:

First thing for me is that JK is UNQUESTIONALBLY an adult. But he's a (relatively) young adult in an industry that's very judgemental, controlled, and tightly scheduled.

He may have money coming out of his wazzoo and millions of adoring fans, but he has limited personal freedom. It's sure as hell not an exchange I would make. I'd choose an average income and the freedom to walk down the street hand in hand with my guy without making headlines - every day of the week.

The fact that he has any kind of personal life is cause for celebration in my eyes. And like the 19+ version of the song, it should be his choice.

I hope it is what he wants it to be. I hope he does have s3x every day of the week if he wants it (and I'm quietly cheering him on) but I don't need to know. I'm not going looking for any information (gossip, let's be real) about that aspect of his life because it's none of my business.

JK's Artistic and Creative Choices:

The songs he sings, the photos he poses for, the choreo for his dances, the words he speaks... these are his creative expression. To an extent they reflect who he is as a person, but largely they reflect a concept or story he wants to tell with his music. I would really hate it if he started creating work with the aim of pleasing someone else (ARMY, or the media, or any other entity). To me that would mean he had lost his self-belief, and that his spirit was broken. It would be a sign that he was more motivated by fear of rejection than by his own desires and creativity.

Personally I love that he trusts us and shows us so much of himself through his art. If that ever changed, it would be a sad, sad day indeed.

Cool, that was easy

Now let's talk about ARMY - and for the purposes of this discussion, I'm talking about ALL OF ARMY but mostly in relation to JK.

ARMY - Our Diverse Fandom:

The fandom has a beautifully broad demographic. I love that about us. Of course it means we have differences, but if we acknowledge that and we respect each other's right to those differences, we are all good.

And because we are all fabulously unique individuals, it's a given that not everything JK (or BTS) creates will appeal to every one of us.

BUT...

We can support their right to make creative choices without engaging with the things that don't work for us.

If some ARMYs are uncomfortable with explicit lyrics, they can scroll past/skip/block songs that are outside their comfort zone.

If some of ARMYs are minors, their parents can supervise their media consumption (because that's their job as parents).

If some ARMYs feel that songs about making woopie aren't their jam, they can instead listen to other songs that are more to their taste.

Magic! Problem solved!

Not really...

We really do need to talk about S3X

ARMY, we are humans:

Most humans have s3x. As adults (hopefully), when we are ready (hopefully), and if we want to (hopefully).

So what's the big deal about an adult making a choice to sing about that? We were all fine with him singing about 'loving you seven day a week' but when he clarified what that meant, suddenly there was a crisis.

Is it the word F**K? Because if it is, that word is everywhere and it's honestly just a word. He's sung it before. RM sang it, YG sang it, JM sang it. And let's be real, Letto's lyrics were far more explicit and she didn't say that word once.

WARNING: REAL S3X TALK COMING UP.

Is it because he's explicitly telling us that he's sexually active? Did we forget he's an adult? Where do we think he learned to move his hips like that... yoga?

For the ARMYs who are shocked that JK is sexually active, where do you think you came from? We humans don't reproduce like flowers. You were also concieved. Your parents, your grandparents, your great grandparents, have all had s3x... probably many, many times because s3x isn't only about reproduction. It's also about human connection, pleasure, stress relief, and being an adult.

In his live, JK told us that he doesn't consider the explicit lyrics to be 'dirty' and that's awesome.

S3x positivity is healthy both physically and emotionally. Seiously, considering how much of our humanity is linked to this instinctive need, it would be so much better if we weren't conditioned to feel shame about it. If we were instead taught to talk about it comfortably, to express our desires, to understand our bodies, and to protect our rights.

I could go on and on about this (and about control, the patricarchy, and body autonomy) but let's just say that JK is right. It's not dirty, its not immoral. When consenting adults choose to do it with someone they trust it's f**king awesome.

If the term sex positive is new to you and you want to find out more, please do. It could make all the difference in the world to your happiness as an adult. There are many websites you can look at to get more information. This is just one.

Even if nobody else is going to, I am going to say THANK YOU JK for this opportunity to talk about s3x. It's an important part of being human!

*I'm censoring my language so the ratings police don't block this post.

*as always, opinions expressed here are my own.

[matchajoon]

my hand was the one you reached for (방찬)

pairing: bang chan x gn!reader (i use chris throughout). genre: hurt/comfort, idol!au. warnings/commentary: 1.7k. reader is sad/anxious on their birthday and about fame. reader almost has a panic attack. no use of y/n. use of baby and my love. it’s somewhat implied skz is in a different timezone (behind) than reader. author has birthday related trauma. author also has never written for real people before and hasn’t gotten her characterisations perfect yet. unedited and unresearched.  summary: you think chris has forgotten your birthday and react (somewhat accordingly). my writing is never a real portrayal of any of the members of skz. directory

It was, on many occasions, impossible to fathom how busy your partner and the rest of his group really were. You, along with other partners, friends, staff and the boys’ families got a unique look-in on life as an idol, more so than the fans did, at least to the extent that you were allowed to see them at less than their optimal. For you personally, it was exhausting just being adjacent to it all and that was without all the extra little things your partner picked up and seemed to always be being consumed by.

Chris was busier than most. Especially during comeback seasons, it was almost impossible to have any free time with him, given the amount of time you knew he was spending perfecting, double-checking and supporting everything to do with the art he loved so much. 

You loved him, and you loved that he was so passionate and driven and dedicated, to not only his group but his fans but sometimes- sometimes you wished it would all just go quiet. It was selfish really, you knew that, but sometimes everything was far too much for you, even though you were in the background for the most part, supporting from the sidelines. It made you feel sick just thinking about all the weight on Chris’ shoulders, especially when you were feeling like this and you weren’t even the leader of the fourth generation’s best. He was the strongest person you knew, so full of love and support and maybe that was why it was so hard to admit to yourself that he had indeed forgotten about your birthday.  

It wasn’t a big deal. At least that’s what you were attempting to affirm to yourself. You were usually quiet about your birthdays, disliking the fanfare that came with ageing and you were still a little traumatised from high school, when birthday celebrations on Facebook were like a popularity battle. You hadn’t remarked on it coming up, hadn’t posted a story, hadn’t tweeted and you didn’t have any grand plans to brag about. Meeting a few friends around the day, plans to have a sleep-in and you’d taken work off so you could just blob around the house for the day before you met friends for dinner. You hadn’t said anything about it to Chris, and he hadn’t mentioned it. A teeny tiny part of you had been holding out - hoping that maybe he was planning to surprise you, maybe he’d be flying back to see you as he had previously. So you hadn’t said anything.

And now it was late in the evening and you had just got home from your birthday dinner, the presents your friends had bought you still wrapped where you’d left them on the counter. They had all asked after him, of course, they were well meaning, you knew they had only been curious but it had made your eyes burn when they pressed about the partner you were still yet to hear a peep from.

None of your friends were entirely familiar with who Chris actually was, something you disliked hiding from them but knew it was for the best - although K-Pop fans were incredibly supportive and kind, there were always exceptions and you weren’t emotionally equipped to deal with fans that were of the opinion you were stealing their men. They all rallied supportively, assuring you he hadn’t forgotten, and if he had it didn’t mean he didn’t love you and that had made something in your chest relax a little- because they were right. Chris did love you, so incredibly much. You knew he did. 

So why were you lying on your sofa, legs curled up towards your chest as tears began to stream out of your eyes and into your ears, stinging as they did. The first sob you let out broke the dam and suddenly you were openly, unhappily sobbing your heart out. Curling in on yourself, you brought your hands up to bury your face into them, your forehead coming to rest on the couch cushion as your shoulders shook. Your lungs rasped a little as you took in a deep, shuddering breath, an attempt to quiet yourself but you were unable to jolt yourself from the sad little heap you’d become on the couch.

You hated feeling forgotten. Even when you knew it was unintentional. As someone who committed every single special occasion to memory, or at least to your calendar, it was a sore feeling to know other people you cared immensely for didn’t care quite as much. You knew Chris was busy, you knew how much and you knew why and it still didn’t make you feel any better. 

Your anxiety returned with a choking grasp, too warm as it wrapped itself around your insides and you huffed several deep breaths, refusing to succumb to the panic that had begun climbing up your throat. You couldn’t spiral, not now. You drove your palms into your eyes, pressing until you saw stars and then, with an abrupt sniff, you sat up, vision still tear-blurry.

The bath you ran yourself was deep enough that you could submerge into the silence of the hot water, and you’d poured enough jasmine scented shower gel into it that the accompanying bubbles were to the envy of your six year old self. You de-clothed, making sure the water wasn’t going to burn you alive and then you stepped into the tub. The immediate warmth wrapped around your calves and you huffed a breath in and out, sitting down with a little of the awkwardness that comes with bathtubs. The water lapped up around your waist and you shuffled your body to lie properly in the tub, sinking back to rest your neck against the cool side of the bath.

You hadn’t checked the time on your phone before you’d gotten into the bath so you weren’t sure how long you stayed in the water. It was less than lukewarm by the time you pulled the plug and stepped into a fluffy bathrobe, shoved your feet into warm slippers and towelled silently at your hair. You made eye-contact with the mirror, although it was fogged up, you could still see the redness around your eyes and cheeks. You grimaced, picking up a washcloth to clean your face off before you padded toward your room to change into comfortable pyjamas. Once you were relatively warm and dry, you all but flung yourself onto your bed, tugging the Wolf-Chan plushie Minho had presented you with when the boys had met you for the first time towards you. You hugged the plushie close, tucking yourself and it under the sheets as you shut your eyes, willing yourself to fall asleep before your mood grew sadder still.

You woke to an almost incessant buzzing reverberating throughout your quiet apartment. Bleary eyed, face still heavy with sleep and crying, you stumbled into the kitchen, where your phone had apparently been possessed, as it was vibrating so aggressively. You opened it tiredly, headed back to your warm bed as you thumbed through the notifications that were the source of the vibration. 

The first thing that caught your attention was your group chat with the boys, that was infrequently used when they were in the country and it was usually- Oh. You had over a hundred notifications just in that group chat alone and as you scrolled through it, they ranged from last night after you’d gone to take your bath, wishing you a happy birthday to telling you to sleep well, to a few minutes ago, where they were yelling at you to wake up and let Chris in.

You were just considering what that meant when Chris’ contact flashed up. You answered without even thinking, relief sinking heavily into your bones and you felt happy tears prick in your eyes.

“Hi baby. I’m sorry to wake you- but can you let me in please? I have caffeine and hot doughnuts-” You were moving, almost blindly, to unlock the door as a smile blazed onto your face. 

“Hi.” Then you were in his arms, the drinks and doughnuts briefly in danger as you all but slammed into his chest, burying into him and his free arm locked around you, tight as he held you to him.

“Hey, hey, hey- lemme chuck these on the bench and then I can hug you properly.” Chris teased, his eyes soft and fond as he looked down at you. You released him briefly, closing the door behind the two of you as he moved around you to set his peace offerings down, handing you your most favourite drink before you could get any further. 

“I didn’t know you-” He smiled, shier this time as you made an attempt on the doughnuts, grumbling quietly as you burnt your tongue on the hot jam and ignoring the chiding look he gave you. He reached to cup your face, his fingers warm and his thumb ran under your eye, no doubt assessing the redness there and Chris wasn’t dumb, you knew he knew you’d been crying.

“Are you okay baby? You look-” You closed your eyes, relaxing into the warmth of his palm and nodded your head.

“I’m perfect now. You should have said- how long were you waiting for me to wake up?” Chris relaxed a little, although there was still plenty of concern in his eyes. He wrapped you into a hug, ignoring the squeak you let out when your drink was nearly squashed between the two of you.

“It was a secret. It was supposed to be a better surprise than it was- my flight got delayed so I only got in an hour and a half ago. The boys were anxious all day not being able to message you- cuz I knew Felix and Jeongin would somehow manage to spoil it- I’m sorry about that but I really wanted to surprise you. Happy birthday my love, I’m sorry that I didn’t send a message before I left, even just to reassure you I hadn’t forgotten.” He looked down at you, his eyes beseeching and you remembered your volatile unhappiness last night briefly before you released it, sighing quietly as you settled into his chest, leaning around him to set your drink on the counter so it was no longer in the line of fire.

“I forgive you. On the condition that you’re mine the entire time you’re here with me. And you never go silent on my birthday again.” He kissed the top of your head, before turning your chin up so you were looking at him. 

“Promise.” And then he was kissing you, his mouth soft and warm and tasting like jam doughnuts.

[handfuloftime]

A number of surgeons attended Duroc after his fatal wounding, including François Ribes and Alexandre-Urbain Yvan. Dominique-Jean Larrey also saw him a few hours before his death, and recorded their brief conversation in his journal. He also recounted their meeting in two of his published memoirs, and it's interesting to look at all three side by side.

First, in his journal of 1813, held in the Wellcome Collection (my transcription):

Interview with the Grand Marshal of the Palace Duke of Frioul - mortally wounded by a cannonball, he was laid in a [illegible] cottage near where he had received the fatal blow. He sent for me immediately and did not stop asking for me. I had still not rejoined the general staff however I arrived and [illegible]. He was drowsing and his eyelids were closed. I gently approached his deathbed and took his left hand with care to take his pulse and judge the condition he was in. "What is that hand that touches me and does me so much good?" he said in a trembling and plaintive voice. He opened his eyes and recognized me. "Ha! I was sure of it. It's you, my dear Larrey. I've wanted you for a while now and have waited for you impatiently. You see the state I'm in. You can't fix me up this time. But give me something that will let me end the horrible torments I'm suffering. Render me this service of a true friend. Don't let me suffer any more, my dear Larrey, I'm counting on you." My heart seized. My senses fled. I couldn't muster a single word, my tears couldn't fall and I felt my strength vanish. My friend Ribes who was nearby, took me and led me away from that awful spectacle. A new motion of drowsiness [illegible] the eyelids of my illustrious and too unlucky friend - he clutched my hand for the second time at the same instant and without a doubt his soul bade me an eternal farewell. What a sad day for me - It's one of the greatest losses I could have experienced [illegible] - the general's shade will undoubtedly pass to the abode of my two other great friends.

Then in his 1817 Mémoires de chirurgie militaire et campagnes, which gives only a short summary of the event:

On my arrival at headquarters, a short trip from Hainaut, I learned the sad news of the deaths of Generals Kirgener and Bruyeres, and the mortal injury of Marshal Duroc, Duke of Frioul. This general had asked for me several times, and was extremely impatient to see me. He had been put in a cottage belonging to one of the inhabitants of the village where he had been wounded. On entering this cottage, where I found the marshal stretched out on a pile of straw and still dressed in his uniform, I was seized with the fear of seeing that he had been struck a mortal blow. My sinister presentiment came true only too soon. Only with difficulty could he articulate a few words. The effects of his wound could be seen through the trappings that covered him, and his face was marked with a deathly pallor. He had had the wall of his lower belly carried away by a large ball, the intestines torn at several points and thrust through the abdomen. I realized, with the greatest sorrow, that all the aid of our art couldn't save him from the near and inevitable death that awaited him. Indeed, a few hours later, this general officer, one of my honorable companions in Egypt, concluded his career. His name and those of Desaix and Lannes are deeply graven in my heart in recognition of the friendship that these illustrious warriors, raised to the highest honors, always kept for me.

And finally his 1841 Relation médicale de campagnes et voyages de 1815 à 1840, which, while still cleaned up for an audience, gets a bit closer to the anguish (and the dying man's desperation) in his journal:

General Duroc (Michel), Duke of Frioul, Grand Marshal of the Palace of Napoleon, was my intimate friend and my companion in Egypt. I saved his life by the attentive and fortunate care that I gave him for a very serious wound in the right thigh, made by the explosion of a shell at the siege of Saint Jean d'Acre (see my Egyptian Campaign); I was not so lucky for the last wound he received at the end of the battle of Wurschen, in May 1813. A cannonball, fired with full force from the enemy camp, after passing through the body of General Kirgener, shaved General Duroc's belly from right to left; his clothes were torn, a large portion of the skin of his abdomen carried away, and many circumvolutions of the small intestine pierced. This interesting wounded man was nearly in his last moments, when I arrived at the cottage where he had been left. "I've waited for you very impatiently, my dear Larrey," this unfortunate General cried, once he saw me; "You can render me the last service of a friend: I feel that my wound is beyond the resources of your art, but put an end, I beg you, to the horrible torments to which I've been subjected for thirty hours, and you will have my tenderest and last farewells." He expired a few hours later. This interview was for me one of the cruelest moments of my life. The Emperor, who had visited the Marshal some hours before me, lost his most faithful friend, his surest counselor, and one of his wisest and most intrepid warriors.

[maboroshi-no]

Hamefura Movie Novel Chapter 1 Summary

I am currently reading the light of the novel of the upcoming Hamefura movie and will write summaries as I read.

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Chapter 1: The Foreign Merchant Caravan

Katarina Is in the Royal Castle

Katarina is currently walking in the royal castle's garden. She is in high spirits because she has finally graduated from the Academy of Magic.

Today, Geordo has invited Katarina for tea, and she has come alone since Keith had to set out for work with their father this morning. Katarina feels sad that she, Keith, and her friends will start going their own ways. She is also feeling nervous about working at the Ministry of Magic. It will be her first working experience (if she doesn't count her part-time jobs in her past life), and it happens to be at the most prestigious organization in the country.

Pochi Runs Off

Pochi has come out of her shadow and is looking at her. Katarina scolds him for coming out of his own. Pochi suddenly dashes somewhere. Katarina chases after him.

Katarina arrives in a gloomy place on the outskirts of the castle. She has lost sight of Pochi. She sees an opened door and guesses that Pochi must have gone through it. There is a "No Trespassing" sign at the door. She enters nevertheless while hoping that it will be okay as long as she doesn't stay for long.

Inside, there are a lot of dusty art pieces like vases, paintings, and statues. Katarina finally finds Pochi and scolds him for running away. Then she sees a little creature behind Pochi. She asks it where it comes from, and it replies "Piyo". She takes the little bird with her.

Taking the Tea at Geordo's Place

Geordo is puzzled about why a bird would be in the room storing the royal family's art pieces. Mary wonders if it might not be a bird kept in the royal castle's garden since it seems used to people. Alan doesn't think so since he hasn't heard anything like it. Sophia thinks it might be a bird that came from the outside, and Nicol agrees. Maria wonders what species it is. Keith doesn't recognize the species either and wonders if it might be a new species of birds. Katarina asks Geordo if he has any idea about the species of the bird.

Geordo: Well, I wonder… It is indeed intriguing, but what I find most curious is why everyone is here even though you're the only one I have invited for tea.

Katarina is surprised. Since everyone was here when she arrived, she was convinced that he had invited everyone.

Mary happily tells Geordo that she won't let him steal a march on her. The others add that they have also wanted to have tea with Katarina. Geordo is displeased.

Keith scolds Katarina for entering an off-limits place without permission.

Since Katarina doesn't know where to return the bird, she asks it if it wants to go with her. The bird replies "Piyo". As a consequence, Katarina takes the bird back with her to the Claes's house.

??? POV

A man thanks a dying man for having always supported him. He is crying since he is about to lose the first friend he has ever made. 

The dying man tells the other man that even if he is about to lose his soul, he will return to this world with a new one. When he does, he will search for the man again, and if he finds him, he asks the man to become his friend again. The man is taken aback since his friend is serious. He tells him that he will wait for him. The dying man smiles with relief and then dies. The man believed in the last words of his friend and kept waiting for him for a long time.

The man wakes up after having this nostalgic dream. He senses a presence that he has never sensed until now. He rushes outside and hears some flapping sounds. He senses his partner in the bird and is happy that his friend has been reborn.

Though, the man is troubled about what to do now. He should probably report this to "that man" since others can easily feel the presence in the bird and he would be blamed if he doesn't report it right away, causing his precious ones to suffer. But if he reports it, "that man" will ask him to bring it to him. 

The man reluctantly decides to make his report. The bird brushes his head against his cheek as if to comfort him.

Katarina's POV

Piyo and Everyone

It has been a little while since Katarina has taken Piyo back with her.

Piyo is incredibly cute. Keith was initially indifferent about Piyo, but now he dotes on him whenever he is free from work. Millidiana was angry at first since Katarina had brought in yet another weird creature, but now she secretly dotes on Piyo and brings him some feed. The girls, but also the boys, are also fond of Piyo and come see him with treats. Especially Alan: he always makes sure to bring some treats that Piyo might like, so Piyo has started to like him. The girls brush Piyo's feathers, put some tiny ornaments on him, and dotes on him, and Piyo enjoys it.

Since everyone fusses about Piyo, Katarina thinks Pochi might feel lonely. She summons him and pets him. She thinks Pochi is not any less cute than Piyo. She enjoys both Pochi and Piyo's softness.

Katarina and Anne Go Out Shopping in Town

Katarina is suddenly called by Anne. Anne notifies her that her carriage is ready. Katarina makes Pochi return inside her shadow and puts Piyo on her shoulder. Piyo always behaves whenever on her shoulder. Anne brushes the grass off Katarina's dress (because she was playing with her pets) and they depart.

Katarina is going out to town today since her friends have plans and won't come to visit. She will buy the new volume of a romance novel and eat cakes at popular pastry shops. Anne is accompanying her because Keith, Luigi, and Millidiana are worried about her going out alone. Keith even reminded her not to follow strangers even if they give her sweets. Katarina is 17 now. She legally is an adult in Sorcier, she has graduated from the Academy of Magic and she will soon start working. Despite this, everyone seems to treat her like a young child. There are so many overprotective people around her.

Katarina Sees a Foreign Merchant Caravan

Looking out the window of the carriage, Katarina suddenly sees some big tents. She asks Anne what they are. Anne replies that they are most likely a caravan of merchants. Katarina is unfamiliar with them, so Anne explains that they are a group of merchants traveling the country to buy and sell goods, like some kind of moving shops. Katarina is amazed since it is her first time seeing any. It is also a first for Anne.

It seems to be a caravan of foreign merchants. Katarina asks Anne what kind of goods they sell. Anne replies that they sell things like fabrics or gemstones.

Katarina grows curious and asks Anne if they can take a look. Anne refuses since it can be dangerous. Katarina insists and tells her they will just take a little look and go back right away if it feels dangerous. She adds that Piyo also wants to take a look. Piyo chirps in agreement. Anne finally gives in. They will have a little look and go back right away if it feels even a tiny bit dangerous. Katarina thanks Anne. 

Katarina and Anne Visit the Foreign Merchant Caravan

Katarina and Anne have come towards the big tents. There are many people and a lively atmosphere in the air, like a festival. Katarina sees goods spread on carpets and people wearing turbans. It really seems to be a caravan of foreign merchants. Katarina is extremely excited and pulls Anne's hand to the nearest shop tent. Inside, Katarina is amazed by all these goods she has never seen before: vivid fabrics, accessories, and handicrafts.

Katarina gazes at the woodcraft of an animal. She wonders if she should buy it as a souvenir. Piyo flaps his wing when he sees the woodcraft. Katarina moves Piyo next to it. Piyo looks at it silently. The statue seems to represent some sort of bird, but Katarina doesn't recognize it. She asks the merchant what kind of bird it is. The merchant replies it is the guardian deity of his country. Katarina asks him which country he is from. The merchant replies he comes from Mutlaq. Katarina is confused since she doesn't know it. The merchant tells her it is understandable since his country is far away and they mostly have no trade with Sorcier. Katarina wonders why they would expressly go all the way to Sorcier. She is about to ask the merchant, but then she hears some music.

The music comes from foreign musical instruments played on a wooden stage near the tent. Piyo runs towards the music. Katarina chases Piyo but she has a hard time moving through the crowd of people.

Katarina Watches a Dancing Show

Katarina arrives at the stage where the music is played. A veiled girl dressed like a dancer from Arabian Nights appears and starts dancing to the music. Her dance is different from the ones in Sorcier and she moves like a butterfly. Then a tiger appears and joins her dance. After the dance, the dancer and the tiger bow their heads, and the crowd loudly cheers and applauds. Katarina was entranced by the dance.

Katarina Chases Piyo

Katarina suddenly remembers that she was chasing Piyo. She looks hard on the ground and worries about people crushing Piyo under their feet. Then she finally sees Piyo near a tent. She rushes towards it and calls Piyo. Piyo ignores her and enters the tent through a slight opening. Katarina is troubled and wonders if she should ask a merchant for permission to go inside. Then she remembers the tiger from the show and fears Piyo might get eaten. She finally enters the tent using the same opening.

Katarina Meets a Boy

Inside, there are a lot of goods, so Katarina has a hard time searching for Piyo. Then she hears "Piyo" and the voice of a boy amusingly asking Piyo where he came from. The boy wears a turban and carries Piyo in his hand. Katarina shouts in relief since she has finally found Piyo. Hearing her, the boy gets wary and sternly asks her who she is.

Katarina looks at the boy closely. He is an Arabian-style pretty boy.

Katarina explains to the boy that she saw her bird entering the tent and that she entered it too because she feared he might get eaten by the tiger. She apologizes.

The boy's expression softens a bit and he tells her that the tiger over there won't eat anything without his permission. Katarina is startled and finally realizes the presence of the tiger in the room. The tiger gives her a displeased look and goes back to sleep. Katarina feels like the tiger is acting like a cat. The boy mutters that tigers and cats are close species after all. The boy appears to be curt but kind. The tiger seems to be asleep. It feels weird to Katarina to have a big and scary animal sleeping next to her.

Katarina remembers how the tiger acted like a cat when it left the stage led by a person. She asks the boy if he is the one taking care of the tiger. The boy confirms with an expressionless face. Katarina is amazed to see someone who can make a tiger act like a cat. Then she looks at Piyo happily swinging his tail on the boy's hand, without any intention of going back to her. She is shocked to see Piyo so affectionate with someone he has just met while it took her days to get friendly with him. 

Katarina tells the boy that he seems to be loved by animals. She is jealous of him since dogs hate her and other animals don't particularly love her. The boy curtly tells her that it is just that he knows how to handle animals since it is his job. Despite his curt tone, Katarina feels like he is a gentle boy.

Katarina is about to ask the boy what his job is, but then a falcon flies over and sits on the boy's shoulder. When Katarina exclaims how pretty the falcon is, the falcon puffs up its chest. The boy gives the falcon a fond look and pets it. The falcon seems to enjoy it. Both of them seem to understand each other.

Katarina asks the boy what his job is. The boy replies he performs acrobatics with the animals. Katarina remembers the tiger from the show and is amazed that the boy was able to teach it its number. The boy replies that the animals just have a good memory and that he is not that amazing. Katarina still thinks he is. 

Katarina asks the boy if there is also a show with the falcon. The boy replies that today's show was just a teaser and that the real one will be tomorrow. The falcon will come on stage then. Katarina is shocked because the amazing show from earlier was just a teaser. She asks the boy if anyone can watch the show. The boy replies yes. She asks the boy if she can go see it. The boy says she can come if she likes. Katarina is excited and asks the boy for his name. The boy reluctantly tells her his name: Aaqil. Katarina smiles and introduces herself as "Katarina".

Katarina and Aaqil Are Joined by Another Boy 

Aaqil is called from behind by another boy of about his age. The boy is surprised to see Katarina. The boy has a girlish face. The boy asks Aaqil if Katarina is a customer. Aaqil simply tells him she is lost. The boy curiously looks at Katarina.

Katarina explains her circumstances to the boy and apologizes. She extends her hand towards Piyo in Aaqil's hand, but he looks away with a displeased look. Katarina is shocked because she didn't expect Piyo to react like that. Looking at her, the boy lets out a laugh. 

The boy explains that Aaqil is an animal charmer. Katarina is shocked and wonders if Piyo got charmed. Aaqil sighs and tells her the boy is joking. He puts Piyo back in her hand. Piyo seems displeased, so Katarina wonders if the boy wasn't right after all. Katarina is sad over Piyo being displeased with her.

Qumiit Invites Katarina to Watch Them Rehearse

Aaquil asks the boy, "Qumiit", what he came for. Qumiit has come to notify him that they will start rehearsing for tomorrow. Katarina excitedly asks if the rehearsal is for tomorrow's show. Qumiit is surprised by Katarina's reaction and asks her if she heard about it from Aaqil. Katarina confirms and tells him that Aaqil even told her she could come. Qumiit grins over Aaqil "inviting" her to see the show. Aaqil curtly replies that he only told her to do what she likes. 

Qumiit introduces himself to Katarina and invites her to watch them rehearse. Aaqil disapproves but Qumiit says it is fine.

Katarina is about to accept his offer, but she suddenly remembers about Anne. She explains to Qumiit that she has lost sight of her attendant and asks if she can come back once she has joined with her. Aaqil is surprised that she really happens to be lost. Katarina corrects him: she isn't lost, she has just lost sight of her attendant. Aaqil replies that it is what "lost" means. Katarina pouts. Qumiit smiles while looking at them and tells Katarina to come back once she has joined her attendant. If she tells people that she is Aaqil and Qumiit's acquaintance then people will let them in. Katarina thanks him.

Katarina takes back the reluctant Piyo and heads towards the opening she entered from. Aaqil stops her and asks her where she is going. Katarina simply replies she is going back through the opening she entered from. Aaqil sighs and asks her to properly use the exit instead. Qumiit bursts out laughing. Aaqil escorts her to the exit and asks her not to get lost and to properly use the entrance next time.

Katarina runs off to the carriage place in high spirits. She can't wait before she joins with Anne and they watch them rehearse.

Aaqil's POV

When Aaqil is back, Qumiit grinningly asks him if he has properly sent Katarina off. Qumiit is part of the merchant caravan and also Aaqil's childhood friend. Aaqil curtly says yes, annoyed by Qumiit's grin. Qumiit doesn't mind his tone and tells him that he gotta show Katarina his cool sides when she is back. Aaqil shockingly asks him why. Qumiit simply replies that it is because Aaqil obviously likes her. Aaqil starts denying it, but Qumiit ignores him and leaves the room to prepare for the rehearsal.

Aaqil is convinced that Qumiit has the wrong idea. While it is true that he is bad at talking with people, especially women, he could only talk with Katarina because she threw him out of his pace and she is easy to talk to. Though, it is not the time to talk about frivolous things like this. He closes his eyes and searches for a presence. It is coming soon.

Katarina's POV

Katarina Joins With Anne

Katarina has returned to where her carriage is parked and sees Anne with a livid face, waiting for her. Anne couldn't find her despite frantically searching for her and she was about to ask for help at the Claes house. Katarina was close to getting a good scolding from her mother.

Katarina explains to Anne how Piyo ran off and the events after, and how the merchant people have offered to let her watch them rehearse for tomorrow's show. Anne doesn't seem surprised by this turn of events. Katarina is confused.

Katarina and Anne will change their plans and watch the rehearsal of the show. Katarina keeps Piyo inside the shopping basket to prevent him from running off again. Piyo is displeased but complies after Katarina has explained her reasons.

On the Way to the Rehearsal

Katarina is surprised that merchants would give shows. Anne replies that she has never heard about merchants from Sorcier giving shows, so it must be something specific to merchants from Mutlaq.

Anne didn't see the show earlier because she was too far in the back. She is looking forward to the rehearsal. 

Based on the number of people and the variety of goods, this merchant caravan seems to be a large one. While searching for Katarina, Anne heard it was a national merchant caravan. Katarina is surprised about the concept and asks if Sorcier also has one. Anne hasn't heard anything about it and thinks it must be something specific to Mutlaq. It makes sense to Katarina that a national merchant caravan could give shows. Aaqil even said that the show earlier was a teaser, so the real thing must be even more amazing. Katarina can't wait to see it.

Katarina and Anne have arrived at the tent where the rehearsal will take place. Just as Qumiit told her, Katarina tells the old man at the entrance that they are Aaqil and Qumiit's acquaintances. The old man lets them in. He asks them with a smile to give them a good advertisement. Katarina is confused. The old man explains that they give shows to attract people and have them see their goods, so it would help if she could advertise the show to the people around her. Katarina tells him she will advertise it to her friends. The old man tells her she should rather invite them to see the show. Katarina says she will. She would actually like to watch the show with her friends since she will hardly be able to see them from now on.

The old man shouts that Aaqil and Qumiit's acquaintances have arrived. A pair of twin children appear. Aaqil and Qumiit have asked them to guide Katarina and Anne to the stage where the rehearsal will take place. The twins look similar but one acts friendly while the other acts unfriendly.

The friendly twin leads the way to the stage while the other stays behind them. Katarina is surprised to see children in the merchant caravan and asks if they are part of it. The friendly twin confirms and adds that the caravan leader picked them up. Katarina is confused about the "picked up" part. The friendly twin explains that they are orphans. Katarina doesn't know what to say since she didn't expect their heavy circumstances. The unfriendly twin tells her there are a lot of orphans in their country. The friendly one adds that the caravan leader is a softhearted person who can't leave people in trouble alone. Katarina wonders if the whole caravan, including Aaqil and Qumiit, consists of people picked up by the caravan leader.

They have reached the place of rehearsal. The friendly twin invites Katarina and Anne to sit on the chairs and wait, then both twins join the other people backstage. The curtain is still down and Katarina hears some noise coming from the stage. Piyo seems like he wants to come out of the basket. Katarina lets him out and puts him on her shoulder. Piyo looks at the stage with sparkling eyes.

The Rehearsal Show

Eventually, Katarina hears the same music as earlier, and the curtains rise. The stage is bigger and there are more people playing music. Katarina feels more entranced than earlier. 

The same veiled dancer girl appears and starts dancing. Veiled child dancers also join her. Then the tiger joins in. Aaqil is quietly standing on the side and exchanges eye contact with the tiger. Katarina is amazed that Aaqil and the tiger seem to understand each other.

The music and the dance stop, and next, a bewitching woman dances with a sword in hand. Katarina feels entranced by her dance.

Then Aaqil comes out with the tiger, the falcon from earlier, and also a snake. He starts his acrobatics show. He makes the tiger jump through a ring, he makes the falcon fly around and drop flower petals. Katarina feels like she is watching a circus show. When Aaqil bows his head after his number, Katarina stands up and claps her hands loudly. Aaqil raises his brows in surprise. Katarina wonders if she might have been too loud. 

Then, at last, the dancer girl comes out again and her beautiful singing voice resounds. 

After the Rehearsal Show

The show was more wonderful than Katarina expected. Even after the curtain dropped, she couldn't help clapping her hand. Anne was also amazed by the show. 

Aaqil walks to them. Katarina can't contain her excitement and tells him about all the emotions she felt during the show. She gushes about how amazing it was, including his number. Aaqil curtly tells her she is too noisy. Katarina insists that she was really moved.

The dancer girl arrives. She has removed her veil and Katarina can see how beautiful she is. Still, she looks familiar. Katarina stares at the girl. The girl can't believe that Katarina still hasn't recognized her and tells her she is Qumiit. Katarina is shocked: she thought she was a boy when they met earlier. Qumiit burst out laughing and tells her he is indeed a boy. He only appears like that on stage. Katarina feels relieved that she wasn't mistaken. Though, no matter how she looks at him, he really looks like a beautiful girl in this costume. She tells him his singing and dancing performances were amazing. Qumiit proudly replies is because he is a genius. 

Qumiit tells her about the other people: the musicians and the sword-dancing girl. This merchant caravan seems full of amazing people. 

Anne apologizes to Qumiit for the trouble Katarina caused earlier. Katarina hurriedly bows her head too. Qumiit replies that Anne is probably the one who has it the hardest and gives her a sympathetic gaze.  

Then Anne clearly expresses her praises regarding the show. Katarina wishes she could have praised the show as clearly. 

Aaqil, the falcon and Piyo

The falcon flies over and sits on Aaqil's shoulder. Aaqil gives it a gentle gaze and pets it. The falcon enjoys the touch. Aaqil always makes such a gentle face when he is with animals. Anne tells Aaqil that the falcon really seems attached to him. Aaqil replies that they have been together ever since it hatched from its egg. Katarina finds such a bond between a human and a bird so beautiful, but Piyo feels displeased and throws a tantrum on Katarina's shoulder, looking like it wants to go over to Aaqil. Katarina asks Piyo if he prefers Aaqil over her. Piyo confirms with a "Piyo". Piyo moves on Aaqil's hand and seems to ask him to pet him. Aaqil kindly does so. Piyo seems satisfied and gives a smug look to the falcon. The falcon acts standoffish as if telling Piyo "There's no way you can get between us". Katarina feels like she is witnessing a love triangle between a human and two birds. Aaqil gives her a puzzled look, so she explains how he and the two birds seem to be in a love triangle. Aaqil replies that there is no such thing. Qumiit bursts out laughing while Anne gives a sorry look. Katarina puffs out her cheek and insists that it really looks like that to her. Looking at her, Aaqil smiles. Katarina is surprised since he has only given her frowns or expressionless looks until now. Katarina thinks to herself that the smiles of Arabian-style pretty boys are so devastating that it doesn't affect only birds. 

Katarina Feels Like She Has Seen Aaqil Before

Katarina has the strange feeling that she has seen Aaqil's face before, long ago. But at the same time, she feels like in that case, she wouldn't have forgotten the face of such a pretty boy. 

Someone from the staff suddenly calls Aaqil and Qumitt to help clean up. Katarina and Anne decide to take their leave. Katarina puts Piyo in the basket despite his reluctance to leave. She tells Aaqil and Qumiit that she will definitely come tomorrow. Upon leaving, Katarina forgets the strange feeling she had about Aaqil.

[rainroses45]

A Lover & Fighter

☾description: Neteyam realizes something important about your relationship (Neteyam x fem. reader)

☾a/n: i wrote this at night because i need a sad word dump…anywho i tried (not edited :))

☾song inspiration: try-pink (sped up) & teen suicide - haunt me (x3)

⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊✩₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆

Her hair was laced in beaded braids. Her necklaces hung from her neck like medals. The twinkle of hope and despair infused with one another in scent of glistening power. With each moment of silence the clan knew she was conspiring a better idea. Every war call, meant there was a forest filled with blood shed. The simple glance of her marmalade eyes, could defuse any fear inside a companion’s heart, but could cause any enemy a loss of color.

No one knew of her parents, nor how she came to be conceived. She was a wild horse in the pasture filled with snow ball sheep. Not a threat at first, but never mistake the power of a liberated spirt.

Neteyam was the fool in this game of hearts. He tried to soothe her into his arms with sweet praises of temptation. He tried to connivance her that they were meant to be. How he had known her his entire life. He read her in poems, pictured her in many songs, watched the flowers blossom and thought she might like them too. He was a fool, such a fool to fall for a girl without a future.

A sudden smack stung Neteyam’s cheek. His thoughts suddenly faded away with the wind, leaving his mind blank. A hand print darken his face as bubbling rage spread through him like a wildfire.

His cocky laugh irritated Neteyam with passion. Only an idiot would hit the son of Toruk Makto on the face, an idiot indeed. Auayew stood there proud and tall as he saw the masterpiece form on his opponent’s cheek. In no way was Neteyam considered a fighter, but at this very moment a new sense of thinking sported with in him. Maybe it was time to change that?

Before Neteyam could defend another blow, she came. Her soft hands pulled Auayew away from his body and soon they did ruins. Each punch caused another flood of tears to pursue down his bruised face. Drops of liquid metal began to pour out of his mouth. She didn’t care though - she never did.

He stood there and watched in awe. Even as her face stayed still like the sand, her eyes showed waves of fury crashing upon one another. Her hair flowed in the wind as the beads rattled in a warning.

Emerald stones embodied her skin with grace. Sparkling stars twinkled across her skin in series of aggravated kisses. Harsh strokes of red scattered across her body, blemishing and staining her like a tarnished painting. She was the definition art, she wasn’t the most beautiful women in the world, but she made you feel something real. And that - that is what truly mattered when loving her.

“I suggest you get out of here before I stop pulling my punches.” Her words caused him to shiver in awe. Her stance was so powerful, so surreal and inspiring. He watched as Auayew scurried away, holding his nose in pain. It brought a smile on Neteyam’s face to see him suffer a little.

“Are you okay?” His heart felt like it was about to erupt from his chest. The pain from his cheek was long forgotten, unlike thoughts of her.

“Oh yeah, it didn’t hurt me that much,” he tried shrugging off her intimidating gaze. It was enchanting to stare into her eyes from a far, but up close it made him feel nervous and insecure. Was he good enough for her?

“Are you sure?” She asked again with a softer gaze. A smile bloomed on her face as she heard him let out a nervous laugh.

“Yeah..I- I’m not much of a fighter.” He stumbled upon his words trying to find the right phase in describing his pervious actions. “I just don’t want to cause a scene.”

“I like that.” Her words had caused him to finally look up. She was even prettier in person. Her golden leaf diadem floated around her head like a halo of life. Strands of her hair wired around the air as they tried to escape with the leaves worryingly in the breeze.

“You do?” His wide eyes, maybe he didn’t need to change. Why would he need to change when she already liked him like that.

“Yeah, not everyone needs to be a fighter. We need more lovers to converse with.” True words fled her mouth, but he thought differently.

“I think fighters are lovers. They are just more passionate about their love.” His words clearly sparked something inside her because you could clearly see it radiate on her face.

Neteyam truly believed his heart couldn’t suppress the yearning to break free any longer, that was until she fell to the ground in laughter. Like an angel falling down from her throne of faith, she laid there open and free, allowing herself to enjoy the humor of it all. Her laugh was contagious causing him to go down laughing as well.

“Oh oh that’s absolutely brilliant, but unfortunately I’m not a lover..” She looked over at him in curiosity, his name was never given to her as a keepsake. He caught on this rather quickly and awkwardly.

“Neteyam, my name is Neteyam,” her eyes lit up in realization, and soon they filled with sadness. Quickly, she turned away to look back up at the trees. A soothing shade crept over their bodies and left them to enjoy the cool moss.

“My name’s Y/n.” He already new her sweet name backwards and forwards, but for that moment he pretended he didn’t.

“That’s a lovely name.” She didn’t respond back to his complement, instead she chose to bathe her self in the natural music of Pandora.

It wasn’t until the sun ripened that the she got up from her spot. She didn’t look back at him, but stayed staring at the new painted sky.

“Tomorrow, I am joining the warriors on a mission.” Neteyam’s heart sank with those words. Truly, she was not serious.

“What?” He felt like crying in despair. How? How could it be? Just when he got to enjoy the moonlight sinatra with her, she was going to leave to battle. Of course, this was not her first time battling in a war against the sky people, but this upcoming one was different. He had eavesdropped last night on the plans for tomorrow. It was going to be a gruesome fight, and the clan knew some would not make it.

“When I come back, maybe we could go enjoy the sunset and sunrise together.” There were no tears pricking from her eyes. She chose this title, and now she must live up to it. Unlike Neteyam, she had no parents to carefully guide her through right choices. Y/n was pushed into the world with no responsibility, so when the opportunity of fighting for her clan showed up. She took it.

He didn’t have time to respond, for she gathered her weapons and left. Neteyam didn’t sleep well that night, he was too busy wondering if she was dreaming about today.

The next day when the fellow participants gathered to leave, Neteyam stayed behind the crowd and watched. He saw her standing there. Her head held high and her posture tall. Not an ounce of fear reeked from her soul, yet a dreary cloud floated over her. He wanted to ask her why so blue? Hoping maybe it would make her laugh, but they already began to depart. He prayed Eywa would talk care of her.

When news of their return spread amongst the na’vi, he dropped his bow and arrow, quickly running towards the base to greet her. Frantic voices surrounded Neteyam’s ears as he watched swarms of medics wrap our them. It wasn’t until a set of marmalade eyes hit him that he figured out what happened.

And as the blood fell from her hands in exhausting amounts, Neteyam realized something. He realized there would never be a chance to capture her heart, for her heart would turn to stone from the amount of life lost. She would be buried the same year she shall prosper, not because of her ego, but it was in her nature. People like her weren’t meant to last long. They were too great to be tarnishing the lands with prosperity. Y/n would die young, and Neteyam would grow old carrying on the memory of his first romantic love. It was written it stars, it was being written right now.

[just-someone-who-likes-to-write]

Delayed Fate

(A/N): Hello everyone this is my first fic where I don't take requests ((And first Namor Fic!))but get ideas by spinning three wheels in an app. One wheel has characters that I like, Second sentences that I will be using, the third is the AUs it would be set in. The third Wheel has only Soulmates AUs, but if I got inspired I might add another AU to future stories, just to make them more interesting. Without further or do, I hope you enjoy this one.

Character: Namor / Ku'ku'lkán

Alphabet AU: A...Aging stops at 18 until you find your soulmate so the two of you can grow old together.

Sentence number: 40 - "Anywhere with you is everywhere I want to be."

Warnings: black panther forever spoilers, angst, mentions of injuries, fluff at the end, grammatic error. (If i missed any warnings please tell me.)

Word count: 9,724

Aging can be a terrifying process for most.

Growing older, becoming weaker, your body changing in ways you didn't expect or understand, and having to depend on others for the smallest of things. It is indeed terrifying. That is why some people would try and stay young as long as possible, and it's not by doing the usual thing where they would use pharmaceutical products or do surgeries. But they would be going as far as doing everything in their power to not meet their soulmate, the one person who they are meant to grow old with, to finally start their life together.

In this world, people stopped aging after their 18th birthday, when they are meant to go out and explore the world and meet people in hopes that one of them is their destined partner. But meeting a soulmate is like a cruel game of guessing because you would have to spend significant time with this person in order to see if you aged or not. When realizing that none of them aged the partners would either break up immediately or stay together for the sake of not being alone, but as said before, others would do everything in their power to disconnect themselves from people for the sake of an immortal life, which is foolish since there is no true immortality, everyone dies in the end, either by fate or beside the one they love.

That's why after (Y/n)'s 18th birthday she did not waste time and ventured into the world to meet people and have new experiences in hopes that one day she would meet the one who is meant for her and her for them. Now, the longest a person stayed 18 before meeting their soulmate was less than 50 years, so imagine her surprise, disappointment, and sadness when she spent almost 300 years alone.

In the first 100 years (Y/n) was crying, not only because she still haven't found the one, but also because she saw how the world around her was going by fast, her family was dying, her close friends who already found their soulmates were growing older, forcing her to be left behind as everyone around her was living their lives. She realized that she doesn't have a place around in her hometown so she decided to leave and find a home somewhere else. During her 200 years, she explored everything she could, the different cultures, learned different languages, and learned how to fight to protect herself from those who found out about her "Situation" and wanted to use her. Shield reached out to her and asked to help them build their organization with the promise of tending to her every need as long as she lived and she took it.

(Y/n) even came across magic users, which lead her to meet the ancient one who helped her accept this long life of hers, she stayed with them a good 40 years, learning what she could about magic since she did not have the talent for mystic arts. During that time (Y/n) has already several homes around the world, thanks to the money that she was investing and the money that Shield would provide her with, she owned several weapons, mechanics, firearms, and even traditional weapons. One day she heard of an artifact in the corners of Nigeria that might hold some magical power, she didn't know what it was but she knew that if it was dangerous she needed to keep it with her or at least deliver it to the ancient one.

That's how she met King T'Chanda and found out about Wakanda.

She remembered the look of pity he gave her when she told him her story, maybe that pity is the reason why he extended a hand of friendship, and to maintain this friendship she swore that she would never speak of his country's existence. Every few years she would go there and visit him, for a while he was the same as her. He lived as a young man for a long time, which made her understand the look of pity he gave her because he understood what she was going through. So her jealousy was also understandable when she came to visit one day and found him aged a few years with his hand wrapped around a beautiful woman who was pregnant. (Y/n) held no romantic feelings for the king, but she hoped selfishly that he would remain without a soulmate like herself, that she would at least have a friend like herself. But again, she forced herself to accept the reality that she would be alone for a very long time until something came to end her life, but up until that happens she would live her life the best she could.

Now, the great thing about the Wakandan Royal family is that they accepted her as she is, they did not give her weird looks nor did they attempt to experiment on her, like how most of the world acted. She remembered how annoyed she was when T'Chanda made his son T'Chaka call her "Great Aunt" and from then on she was called as such despite her very youthful look. But she accepted in the end and even enjoyed it a bit.

Then (Y/n) entered the 20th century and everything started to go crazy. She could handle the super soldier project because it was kind of expected after seeing in what way humanity's technology was taking, especially in the name of winning a war. Then there was the time when she found out that aliens existed, which means that alien invasion was inevitable so she took the right measures and that was staying away from it, because what can she do? Immortal or not she was still a human with no power, yes she has magical items that can be used as weapons but that would be risking exposing the existence of sorcerers so she decided to just stay back, after all, Fury assured her that he has a plan and that is by assembling a team of heroes.

Where was (Y/n) during all that? Having a very long vacation in Wakanda, where she was helping Shuri test her new inventions and helping her prank her brother. She would train with T'Challa and give him bits of advice that he might need as a future king. And, Of course, she would chat with T'Chaka and Ramonda and even lecture them, which was a funny scene for their children to see them being lectured by an 18-year-old girl. Yes, she had a really close connection to the Wakandan royal family, which was understandable when she helped T'Challa try and catch his father's assassin. (Y/n) got a lot of backlash because of it from Fury when he found out the truth. It caused her to be kicked out of shield, but she didn't care because she knew that if she stopped T'Challa from seeking revenge his anger would have blinded him further, and would have probably rebelled and caused further harm not only to himself and his family, so she allowed him to let out everything from his system knowing, in the end, he would be able to find his own way back.

So it was understandable how happy she felt when T'Challa came back with the said assassin wanting to help him recover after learning why he did what he did.

Then after that in a few years, the snap happened, and (Y/n) did not disappear like half of the universe. Because of Fury's disappearance, Shield contacted her begging her to come back and help them control the chaos, which she reluctantly did. She did not want to go but Queen Ramonda assured her that they will keep in touch and that Wakanda was probably more prepared than the rest of the world, which was engulfed in chaos.

(Y/n) might have lived centuries, but those 5 years felt longer and emptier. Jumping from country to country to help assert order, calling what is left of the Avengers to see if they had anything they could use, and when she has time she would contact Shuri and Ramonda. At the start of her, "immortality" (Y/n) would have depressive episodes that she struggled greatly with but thanks to the ancient one who helped her learn how to cope with it, she thought she got over it but there she was crying in her apartment wishing that all of it would just end, the loneliness is getting to her again and she was afraid that this time she won't be able to escape it.

Thankfully, Scott Lang showed up and gave them the hope to fix all of this. When they finally built the time machine (Y/n) told them that she was going back to Wakanda to tell them the good news, coincidentally, shortly after the time of her arrival the people who had disappeared in the middle of the battlefield materialized back. (Y/n) cried with joy as she saw T'Challa reunite with his family.

After the war was over (Y/n) resigned despite Fury's attempts to persuade her to stay, but she refused because she did not want to be alone anymore. She moved permanently to Wakanda, who welcomed her with open arms. She became an unofficial consultant to King T'Challa, whether it was concerning his people or his love life she was there to aid him, same with Shuri who always told her about different types of shields and weapons that she could create for (Y/n) to protect herself with since she was still just a human, she would keep Ramonda company when her children were too occupied with their work to be with her.

They were her family, her people, but she knew that one day she would have to say goodbye to them as she continued living, but she didn't expect that goodbye would come much too soon with T'Challa.

(Y/n) was with Shuri in the lab trying to help her think of how to bring the plant back to save him, if they could turn back time to save half the universe then why not bring back an extinct plant to save their king. But when T'Challa asked to see them, (Y/n) went while Shuri stayed back saying that she was so close and can't waste time.

"I… I have a request to make-" His words were cut off by a harsh cough, which caused (Y/n) to hurry to his side in an attempt to soothe him.

"Don't strain yourself." She lectured but T'Challa shook his head and waved his hand to those who were in the same room extracting them to leave them alone, before turning back to her.

"My great aunt…" He murmured with a tired smile, which caused (Y/n)'s heart to ache as she fought back tears.

"I know that I might be asking too much of you…" he uttered between gasps as he struggled to breathe. "Take it … as a dying man's … final wish…"

"Don't say that, Shuri and I will find a way to bring back the plant and you will be good again." she assured. "Just … please hang on a little bit longer."

He just smiled at her, which caused (Y/n) to break into tears, T'Challa squeezed her hand as a way to comfort her but it only made her cry more as his hold was also weak.

"I'm sorry to have caused you more pain…I know you had gone through enough loss… but…my time is coming soon, I can feel it." He tried to reason but (Y/n) only shook her head, refusing to acknowledge such truth. T'Challa decided to continue.

"Please look after them…" He finally confessed. "Not my mother and sister only…"

(Y/n) immediately understood the implication and looked at him and nodded as she wiped her tears.

"And don't tell Shuri…she is not ready… at least not now."

Throughout her life (Y/n) saw many different reactions to loss. Some cried and screamed until they had nothing else to let out. Others raged out, breaking everything in front of them and even fighting others. There are those few who ignored it and continue with life as if nothing had happened, very few accept it. but the reaction that she saw the most of, was acting hastily and irrationally. Whether it was by saying something they don't mean or doing something that they might regret later thinking it was the best decision while they were high on emotions. Both (Y/n) and the queen understood that things weren't safe enough to bring T'Challa's son, not only the world but also Wakanda, and if Shuri found out she would probably demand that the boy be brought back or she would go to him, which would risk his safety because they still don't know how she would act when she does meet him. So after the King's death, Ramonda and (Y/n) grieved with Shuri and did their best to help her cope with her emotions.

After a year of isolating herself in her lab, Ramonda decided to take Shuri out one night so she might connect with her daughter again, which (Y/n) encouraged. She expected many reactions after their return.

Anger, more sadness, neutral as if nothing happened, and the reaction she hoped for was happiness and acceptance, but what she did not expect was both of them to return with a look of pure fear and worry.

"There was this kid- well he looked like a kid but he isn't, he has wings on his ankles!... he just comes out from the water and started making demands-" Shuri was trying to explain to (Y/n) who was lost and trying to understand her.

"Shuri, breath dear, who are you speaking about?" (Y/n) Asked with great concern.

"He said his name was Namor."

When they explained her situation more clearly, (Y/n) to try and help them come up with a plan on what they should do, she told Ramonda how some will agree to just give him the American scientist to do whatever he wants with them and that others will demand a fight. She must be the neutral ground so that they won't dare judge any decision she makes. So she decided to just bring the scientist, to at least be protected by them, and then on they would negotiate with this "Namor" person.

"What if we took great aunt with us?" piped in Shuri and her mother and Okoye's not so whispered conversation. "Maybe even call in my favorite colonizer."

Ramonda was hesitant when she thought it was only Okoye and Shuri but having the great aunt with them reassured her a bit, that's why (Y/n) can't imagine how she must be as she stared up at the walls of the cave around her. She was the first to wake up after she, Shuri, and Riri were taken by the blue soldiers whom she assumed were Namor's. The women that were assigned to them, who were also blue, motioned for her to come with them, giving sleeping Shuri one last look (Y/n) hesitantly followed her to a room covered in murals, and in the middle of it He stood.

"I assumed you are Namor?" She questioned, earning his attention.

When their eyes met (Y/n)'s heart thumped heavily against her rib cage, her body felt as if something washed over her as if something was lifted, and looking at him she could tell he probably felt it too because he gave her a look of bewilderment. Before any of them could say anything another woman came and told him something and he replied to her an order before she bowed and left.

"It looks like the princessa is awake." He stated, his voice causing a shiver to go down her spine.

"If you dared to harm her, I swear to-"

"All of you surface dwellers are the same, always marching to fight without thinking." He replied.

"Says the guy whose people ambushed us on the bridge and then kidnapped us."

"If I remember correctly it was you who came to me willingly."

"And allow you to kill an innocent soul?"

"I will kill thousands if it meant the safety of my people!"

Before she could reply to him Shuri came in and stood between him and (Y/n), in an attempt to protect her after hearing his last statement.

"And if you dared to harm my great aunt it would be you who dies next!" She threatened while glaring at him.

"Great aunt?" Repeated Namor with a puzzled look as his eyes darted between Shuri and her. then it clicked, and he focused on (Y/n). "How old are you?"

"You know … up there it's rude to ask for a woman's age." (Y/n) jested as she deflected the question, not trusting him enough to tell him anything about herself.

Having a closer look at the boy in front of her she realized that he was also around her age, he had a lean yet fit body, and his face was bare from facial hair, the thing that is giving him some sense of maturity was the accessories that he wore but from the way that he was acting he must be like her, stuck in this young body until they met their significant other, she didn't know if he was older or younger than her but what she does now is that this long life can have different effects on people, and since he was so determined to protect his people to the level of taking innocent lives she can tell he was unbalanced.

He asked to talk to Shuri privately since she was only true royalty of Wakanda, but (Y/n) still insisted to keep a safe distance so she can see them, and every now and then her eyes met his when Shuri wasn't paying attention, it's as if he was examining her and she couldn't blame him because she was doing the same thing to him. (Y/n) protested when he offered for Shuri to see his home but the princess assured her that she was going to be safe, when she did come back after what felt like forever she was met with a tight hug.

"I'm fine." Shuri assured as she hugged her back.

"I'm just glad that you're back safe." (Y/n) pulled away enough to examine the princess, then glared at Namor who chuckled at your actions.

"Great aunt I'm fine… it… it was beautiful!" Shuri exclaimed excitedly.

Shuri started chattering away to (Y/n) about the city that she saw, the Talokan, its people, and the "sun" that he had built for them, Namor was right beside them listening in, probably to make sure she doesn't tell too much.

"She is the first from the surface to come to Talokan." He confined before pulling out a bracelet to give it to Shuri. "Please take this as a token of our gratitude."

Before Shuri could accept his gift (Y/n) stopped him, being suspicious.

"What is it?" Shuri was about to lecture her about being too paranoid, but Namor's answer confirmed her suspicions.

"It was made with the plant that saved Talokan." He informed as he continued to give the bracelet to Shuri and tight on her wrist, he was staring at (Y/n) as if silently challenging her to stop him again before turning back to Shuri.

"You are young, Princess." He Stated. "When you age as I do, you realize we all lose everyone we love."

"But when I lost my brother, it just felt different." Shuri said with grief in her voice. "He suffered in silence. When he finally asked me to help him I couldn't"

(Y/n) hugged her in an attempt to comfort her and the princess leaned into it as she fought tears.

"How does it make sense that the ancestors would give me gifts and skills to help me save my brother, and I couldn't?... Why?"

"I don't have an answer for that question." Replied Namor.

"But I do…" (Y/n) chimed in earning both their attention. "My dear, I won't go into a long rant about what the ancestors were planning for you. I have lived long enough and have come across many religions, but most of them if not all believed in similar things and that life challenges us to become better. It can be a very painful journey, but what I know for sure is that you can never come out as the defeated if you knew how to harvest those talents and skills along with those emotions you can be better, not only for yourself but for everyone around you."

Shuri sat there as if she was not convinced by what (Y/n) just said, even pulling herself away from her hold, which saddened her. Seeing the woman's frown Namor felt the need to comfort her, but he didn't know how until he finally said.

"My ancestors would often say, "Only the most broken people can be great leaders"." Those words earned him the two women's attention again.

"I admire what you have built here." Started Shuri. "And you've protected your people.  But as a princess of Wakanda, I will not stand for you killing that young woman."

They tried reasoning with the king but their efforts were in vain as every time they tried to reason with him, promising him that they will do everything to protect not only his people but also the secrecy of their existence, he refused. Their conversation was cut short when one of his people came and told him that the queen was there to speak with him.

"You said you wanted to burn the world." He said to Shuri. "Let's burn it together."

And before he left completely he gave a glance to (Y/n), which she returned. When they went back to Riri to tell her of the possible upcoming war, Shuri and (Y/n) tried to discuss their next move, not noticing when Nakia came shooting one of the women warriors, then the poor terrified girl who was tending to them.

"We need to go." Nakia urged but both Shuri and (Y/n) refused to.

"Give me the beads I can save her." the princess ordered.

"Shuri, I don't know who this lady is, but we need to listen to her." Riri pleaded, fear clear on her face.

"Listen, I hit her with a sonic round, it is lethal from this distance. There is no chance." Nakia informed.

"You don't understand this will mean war." Shuri argued back.

(Y/n), sick of their banter, pulled Shuri's hands away from the injured girl before pulling her own beads and started aiding her herself.

"Shuri, go." (Y/n) ordered.

"Great aunt-"

"I said GO!"

With that said Nakia pulled Shuri away knowing that there is no time to also convince (Y/n) to come with them, the princess was a priority and both of them knew that. The immortal woman refused to pull away from the injured girl until she was sure that the bleeding stopped, she was so focused that she did not notice when Namor came behind her, and upon seeing the blood he pulled (Y/n) away harshly to kneel beside the girl and hold her head in his hands.

"What happened my child?" He spoke in his language, which (Y/n) did not understand, she was about to say something but stopped when another warrior came and slammed her to the ground pinning her.

"The Wakandans….they came for her." she struggled to speak, before pointing to (Y/n). "She stayed…"

Namor looked to the pinned surface dweller who did not struggle against his warrior's hold, as if to show her submission.

"K'uk'ulkan…." The girl called, grasping his attention again. "Can you save me?"

At her question, Namor looked down at her wound and found it mostly closed and the bleeding has stopped thankfully.

"You are going to be safe my child." He said before turning to one of the warriors and giving him an order, the warrior knelt to pick up the girl and hurried out of the cave.

He stood up and walked to (Y/n), who could only see his feet, but she assumed that he was staring down at her, and he was. Another woman came dressed in red to speak with him.

"They came… while you spoke to the queen?" She questions. "We should not have trusted her, the queen has seen our home, what is stopping them from coming for Talokan?"

"I will…" He replied. "With her here."

Namor order the warriors to bring her to his hut, and even though they did it harshly by pulling her up and dragging her around like a rag doll (Y/n) still did not fight back and kept calm. She was forced to stand in front of him as they were left alone and Namor knew it was a struggle for the woman for he can see how her figure was shaking slightly, yet her face held a stern look.

"You attempted to kill my people." He started.

"You kidnapped their princess, what did you expect them to do? To set back and wait?" (Y/n) shot back, which earned her a scowl from the king.

"If that child have died it would be your head on a spike right now."

"But she didn't."

Namor was in front of her in an instant and grabbed her by the neck and squeezed, not giving her any chance to breathe, and just watched as (Y/n) struggled.

"I could snap your neck like a twig right now and they won't care. The Wakandans have proven to be just as worst as the rest of the surface dwellers after I have shown my home and people to her and you dare to still defend them in front of me."

"B..Because…" (Y/n) struggled to take breaths as she spoke. "You…are a rash … brat!"

With those words Namor let her go, causing her to fall to the ground as she took quick breaths.

"A brat?" He repeated. "I may look young but I assure you I am older than your great great grandfather."

"And I can be your great great GREAT grandmother." She retorted mockingly. "You are not special just because you lived long, because you are not acting it."

"How dare you insult me!" He seethed.

"No." (Y/n) stopped him from talking more as she stood on her feet. "You are the one who came out of nowhere demanded an innocent life delivered to you, and even when you had her you still wanted more. you didn't want peace from the start you just want the war to quench your own rage against humanity."

"They are the ones who threatened my people's existence by exposing their resources, causing them to hunger for it."

"Maybe they shouldn't have done that, but to be fair Wakanda did not know of your people's existence when they revealed themselves they were ready to fight the world by themselves, they didn't know of Talokan, or else it would have been a different story." (Y/n) continued. "Listen, what happened has happened and we cannot change it, but what we can change is what will happen next. Both the Wakandans and I have ways to assure Talokan's safety, we can-"

"I don't need your help!" He bawled. "I gave Wakanda their chance to yield and they threw it away."

"See! There you go again and you say why I call you a child."

Namor reached out to her and (Y/n) closed her eyes and held her hands up ready for pain but it didn't come, and when she opened her eyes slowly she could see that he had stepped back and given her his back as he faced the murals of his people.

"The only reasons you are still alive are two." He said as he turned back to face her, his face suspiciously calm. "The first is because you stayed to save one of my people, which I would be lying if I said I wasn't grateful for."

He started taking a few steps toward her making her take a few steps back until her back touched the door, he stopped in front of her and leaned forward, his face inches from her own. (Y/n) wasn't the same teenage girl who would get flustered over the smallest things, like a charming smile, or a wink but she doesn't understand why was her heart beating fast she was face to face with a man in an isolated cave that she can never escape from, who can kill her at any desired moment. She would have marked it as fear if she didn't feel her face heating up.

"You are welcome." She replied, trying to make light of her emotions. "And what is the second reason?"

"Isn't it obvious?" He asked rhetorically, before looking to the door behind her. "Llévala!"

Suddenly, the door opened almost making her fall but was caught by the same warriors who brought her here, instead of being as compliant as she was previously, she was struggling and demanding to be let go.

"The second reason is for you to stay here as my captive, that if the princess decided to do anything stupid it would be you who will pay for it."

He promised and motioned for his hand for them to take her away, but before she was out of earshot (Y/n) said one last thing.

"Don't do anything rash you brat! It's not only the Wakandans who will suffer!"

Namor believed that those words were a threat, which fueled his determination to go and give Wakanda a taste of who they are going against.

---

(Y/n) was pacing back and forth in her cell, anxiety eating her alive as she was biting her lip until it bleed and nail until it was gone. Looking outside her cell she saw the guards who didn't move an inch since they threw her there, she tried talking to them but they either didn't understand her or just ignored her. Searching for an escape was useless, she did try to use the beads to communicate with Shuri and warn her about Namor but a cave under the sea is hardly the perfect place to find a signal to the surface let alone to Wakanda. (Y/n) made a note to herself to tell Shuri about a possible new upgrade.

She was pulled out of her train of thought when she heard the sound of splashing. She wasted no time and pressed herself against the bars and started to call.

"NAMOR!" She shouted. "Namor! Is that you!?"

Saying nothing the king came from the corner, and looked at her and when her eyes met his own she could feel a chill of fear go down her spine. (Y/n) lived long enough to know what that look meant, but she hoped to any god that is hearing her that what she was thinking was not the truth.

"What did you do?" The question slipped out unconsciously. Namor averted his eyes with an angry huff at being confronted, but in his eyes, she could see a hint of shame, and that filled her with rage. "If you hurt Shuri in any way I promise I will kill you myself!"

(Y/n) saw many people die in her long life, most of them were really dear to her, but no matter how many times she goes through the heartache doesn't become easier, especially if she was there since their birth. The only reason she was able to go through T'Chaka and T'Challa's death was that she had someone to support her and people to look after to distract herself. But here she was alone, in a cave under the sea, facing the man who probably hurt Shuri and not being able to do anything.

"No harm came to the queen." He replied simply, and that fueled her rage.

"I was talking about the princess! Not the queen!"

"She is queen now."

Namor said nothing more as he started walking away leaving (Y/n) to realize what he had meant. Before he could close the door to his chamber he can hear a distant scream of distress and a series of curses of his name. He just groaned as he isolated himself in his room trying to block her voice as he thought about his next step before the week is up. However, he couldn't do any of that for the entire time he was fighting the urge to walk to that cell and stop her from crying, not by yelling at her but by trying to reason with her, to try and justify his actions, how it was the only way. Or maybe it was just to let her let out her anger against him, give her the satisfaction to curse at him, and probably even hit him, which he know will not do any real harm to him.

It drove him crazy, but what drove him even crazier is WHY was he feeling these urges towards a surface dweller. Was it because he understood her pain? To live for so long and see everyone around you die and not be able to do anything to stop it? to not being able to say goodbye to someone you knew since their birth?

He couldn't dwell on those questions more as he realized that it became quiet again, taking the chance that her screams will not distract him Namor went immediately to planning. Determined to bring Wakanda to submit to him.

---

"There is another machine in our waters"

Namor said from outside of the cell as he stared at the back of his immortal prisoner who decided to set in the corner with her back to the exit, completely ignoring the king, which annoyed him. but he couldn't find it in himself to voice this annoyance.

"We will go and destroy it." He informed. "But there will still be a guard over you and a maid to make sure you are fed and looked after."

When he said those words his eyes landed on the bowl of fruit that was untouched and it bothered him greatly. He knew she was immortal and cannot die so easily like himself, but he knew that they were still affected by physical pains, including hunger, and (Y/n) didn't have anything for almost a week now. The only thing he was sure of to keep her functioning was the few sips of water she would take now and then. He did try to trick her once into drinking juice but when he did that she still refused to take it. Whether it was out of grief or she was just being rebellious either way, it saddened him and angered him at the same time.

He didn't even know why was he trying to talk to her now. He tried talking to her since the day he told her of what happened, but she kept ignoring him, making him feel stupid as he had a one-sided conversation, trying to justify what he did and lecturing her on how what she was doing to herself was stupid but she didn't care.

Feeling that he had wasted enough time Namor huffed in anger before turning around to leave, then he finally heard her.

"You are going to regret it."

"What?" He questioned as he turned back to her, but she went back to being quiet. "What did you just say?"

"….You are going to regret it."

(Y/n) finally looked at him from over her shoulder. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying, her hair disheveled and her skin pale from lack of nutrition. He didn't say another as she turned again and gave him her back.

Namor would have probably lashed out at her, confronting her on the threat she threw at him, but she said nothing as he turned back and walked away. it was probably because her voice did not sound threatening or taunting, but rather a statement.

---

(Y/n) eyes tiredly opened as someone was shaking her awake and calling her name in a panic. When the fog cleared up she saw that standing above and holding her in their arm is none other than Shuri, whose eyes were full of tears yet still had a relieved smile on her face. She said something that she couldn't grasp before the young princess pulled her into a hug, and mustering any strength she had left (Y/n) hugged her back as a few tears escaped her eyes.

Looking up she noticed that Namor was standing there the entire time, observing the reunion in silence, but that wasn't what drew her attention, but rather a scratch mark on his face, and one of his ankles was wrapped in bandages, he was wearing a poncho that covered his upped body but she swears she could see more, and deeper scratches littering his body. Their eyes met and looking at him (Y/n) almost didn't recognize him, she didn't know how long she was out for, but she could swear that Namor looked more mature.

"What did you do to her?!" Shuri shouted at the King, snapping him out of whatever trance he was lost in, and turned to her.

"I did not lay a finger on her or mistreated her." He clarified. "She is the one who refused to eat or drink after… the news."

He said the last part quietly as he looked away in shame. When he said that more tears showed on (Y/n) at the memory and pulled Shuri back into a hug, squeezing her as hard as she can, which wasn't a lot but it was enough for the princess who hugged her back crying silently.

"I'm so sorry my dear." (Y/n) said her voice horse from not talking or consuming anything. "I…I wish I was there… I should have…"

"You have nothing to apologize for." Shuri assured as she cut her off. "Let's just go back home."

(Y/n) let out a sound of surprise as Shuri hooked her left arm under her legs and the right one on her back before lifting her up, which shocked the weak woman.

"Are you wearing some type of a new upgrade?.. Because I'm sure that I haven't lost THAT much weight for you to just lift me like I weigh nothing."

Her question made Shuri laugh as she carried her outside the cave, passing by Namor who stayed out of their way and just followed them silently. When they reached the edge of the pool Shuri was moving around (Y/n) to give her the latest update that would help her swim easily even in her weak state. During that, she would steal glances at Namor and each time his eyes never left her. She wanted to say something but couldn't or didn't know what to say, and from his few glances at Shuri, she can tell that he was also hesitant to speak. The sound of reeving power pulled her out of her thoughts as she saw the machine wrapped around her glitter with pulsed energy indicating that it was ready.

"We can go now, just make sure you stay close to me."

She instructed before reaching around her neck to activate the mask but (Y/n) stopped her, which earned her a confused look, but her great-aunt simply turned to the king who was still standing there. Namor's face showed no emotion but he was preparing himself for her to lecture him, insult him, curse him, let out her pent-up anger, and maybe even express her disappointment since she did warn him that his rash actions would cause him to lose in more ways than one. but he didn't count on her to give him a kind smile as if they were close friends.

"I will see you again."

Not a question, but a promise. If the feeling of surprise was obvious on his face then none of the women mentioned it as they dived into the water and left. When he broke out of his surprised state he just scuffed and went back to his chamber where he will paint a mural of the battle that took place against the black panther for his people's history. But in a different part of the room, one where it was mostly for himself he painted the immortal woman, when she interacted with him, when she saved the maid, and when she was his prisoner.

"I will see you again."

The promise echoed in his head, which made him unconsciously smile while he painted her smile, secretly excited and hoping for the next meeting to come soon.

---

(Y/n) sat on her private beach under the umbrella with a book in hand, trying to relax but her eyes kept scanning over the same paragraph without absorbing any of the words as she kept recalling what happened on her last visit to Wakanda which was last week.

"I'm sorry, what??" (Y/n) exclaimed as she stared at the screen that the A.I presented for both her and Shuri, who also was in disbelief.

"Your body aged 2 years." Griot repeated as he held up 2 pictures of (Y/n) on the glass screen and started noting the slight differences. "There are discreet changes, for example, Your muscles and bones have grown stronger, your weight changed, which brings up your metabolism lowering very slightly, but it is still noticeable like the start of wrinkles showing around the eyes and acne surfacing-"

"That's enough, Griot." Shuri cuts him off as she stares at (Y/n) who was in shock.

She always knew that she was still a mortal despite her long life but for it to finally start to come close to an end without her being aware of it was overwhelming. Shuri did not leave (Y/n)'s side since they found out, she did her best to comfort her great aunt, even starting teasing her and listing to all the possible people that she had met that could be her soulmate, but (Y/n) shot every possibility down for she already had someone in mind and instead of explaining it to the now queen of Wakanda she excused herself to have alone time.

Shuri thought that when she said she wanted to be alone was to be left in her room until (Y/n) was ready to talk, she didn't expect to talk to her great aunt via call scolding her on when and how she left Wakanda without saying anything. But they worked it out. And here she was now, convincing herself that she just needed time to think about what to do next and how to approach the situation when she was in fact too afraid to actually face it.

"So this is where you have been hiding?"

A familiar voice asked making her jump away and take a fighting stance, an instinct she has from years of fighting and being ambushed, but she stopped when she saw that standing in front of her was none other than Namor, but he looked different.

"Did you grow a beard?" Was the first thing that came out of her mouth, which made him chuckle.

"Yes, it is nice to meet you again too." He replied sarcastically.

Namor still looked young except for the small amount of facial hair that looked well taken care of, and he felt her staring because he subconsciously reached his hand to his face and started scratching his beard as he averted his eyes.

"I always wanted to grow one but never got the chance with my body stuck at a certain age." He started explaining. "You could imagine my surprise when a few months after my battle with Wakanda that hair started to grow on my face."

His eyes then met hears again, none of them saying anything but the silence was loud enough for (Y/n) to understand what he was trying to say. Saying nothing the woman sat back down at her spot but this time made space beside her and patted it encouraging the king to set beside her, which he hesitantly did. They stayed quiet for a long time before he finally spoke.

"You have your own part of the sea?" it was more of a statement than a question.

"It's called a private beach." (Y/n) explained. "You can imagine how crowded and dirty public beaches are, and since I have a lot of money I bought my own, not even fishing boats are allowed around here."

"This part of the water did look cleaner as I came closer and the creatures beneath are thriving from the lack of fishermen and filth."

"I do my best to have my own little piece of heaven in this world." She shrugged, trying to hide some of the happiness she felt from his comment.

It was silence again between them, only the sound of the crashing waves can be heard, which eased any anxiety the two might have felt.

"How are your people?  Since … well, you know…" She asked awkwardly just wanting to break the silence.

"They are well." He answered. "The black panther kept her promise on protecting my people's safety, although some of them are still unsure of the treaty."

"You say it as if you were ok with it." He tried to say something but she stopped him. "Don't even try to say you aren't, I know it was hard for you to submit."

She could practically see him tense for a moment as he clenched his jaws, probably angry but forced himself to calm down as he took a few breaths and closed his eyes.

"I will do anything for my people's safety… even if it means yielding to a worthy opponent."

"what wise words, I see you have grown more than just a beard and a mustache I see." (Y/n) teased him with a smile.

"A person grows in many ways throughout life…" He said before averting his eyes to the sea. "… Especially after meeting their soulmate."

(Y/n) eyes widened slightly as she too averted her eyes to the sea thinking about what to say next. She knew she can't escape the topic, but it didn't make it any easier to face it.

"When did you find out?"

"I wasn't sure at first." He started to explain. "When I noticed the changes in my body years ago I suspected that it could be either you or the panther."

"Then why didn't you say anything?" She asked annoyance clear in her voice. "It must have been nice having all that time to accept what is happening, but I only found out about my aging a couple of days ago."

"After the battle and everything that I have done, I wasn't sure if either of you wanted to see me again, let alone accept me as a soulmate." He explained as he turned fully to face her. "You must understand my hesitation to come up to the person I imprisoned or killed their mother and ask them to be with me."

 Of course (Y/n) understood, but it is still frustrated her that he knew and she didn't, that he had the time to get in terms with this new reality, then come to her and confront her…

"Wait… how did you know it was me?" She questioned. "You keep saying that you suspected that it was either me or Shuri."

"She called me." He answered. "She used the shell I gave her to call me and she told me it was about you and how to reach you."

"So much for a private beach." (Y/n) muttered to herself.

"Are you…. Are you disappointed?" He stuttered out the question causing (Y/n) to almost snap her neck with how fast she turned to him in shock.

"What?"

There was a look of concern and uncertainty, dare she say even fear in his face as he tried repeating the question.

"Are you disappointed?" He asked again this time more firmly.

"About what?" She asked not because she was confused but rather because she was unsure if he was indeed asking her that.

"About me being your soulmate." He continued. "I know it must be how you feel given the brief past we had. But that was in different situations, we can start anew as you humans put it, to know each other more before deciding hastily to not see each other again and then-"

"Wait! Wait wait wait WAIT!"

(Y/n) interrupted him quickly catching the king by surprise at her sudden outburst, her hands were up wanting him to halt any more words but her face was facing down, so he was not able to see her expression. He started panicking a little when her shoulders were shaking slightly, thinking the reality of their bond upset her, but his confusion grew when she started giggling before letting out a bark of laughter. Her sudden change of behavior was alarming to the king, dare he say he was offended.

"Can I ask why are you laughing at my confession?" He asked calmly yet the silent anger behind it was very clear.

It didn't intimidate (Y/n), but she forced herself to calm down for her soulmate seems to have a very short temper, which she noted to herself to work on with him. She stopped her laughter but her smile was still showing.

"Sorry, I'm not laughing at you, but at what you said." When gave a confused look she started explaining. "You came here confessing to me how you thought your soulmate could be either the warrior queen of Wakanda who also happens to be the new Black Panther or some woman with no title nor magic power of some kind and you ask me if I was disappointed with having the king of an underwater city, who is worshiped as a god, for a soulmate."

He seems to understand her view on the matter, but he still shook his head as if disappointed. He reached forward slowly for her hand as if expecting her to pull away but when she didn't he was confident enough to grasp her hand. His rough fingers were tracing the lines in the palm of her hand.

"You are… a woman, a human woman who  doesn't have the power of the panther nor that of a god." He stated making her narrow her eyes at him.

"Buuut?" (Y/n) asked calmly yet that was this small hint of irritation, which made him chuckle. Seeing his smile made her show a smile of her own.

"But...You still walked this earth as one."

"As one you mean?" she trailed off confused.

"As a creature who pushes beyond the limitation they were given." He continued before looking up at her, his eyes holding softness towards her. "The panther told me of your past, or at least what she knows of it."

If he felt her hand tense in his hold he said nothing and just continued to rub the palm of her hand with his thump, it helped soothe her nerves but she still felt uneasy about what he had to say next.

"I don't know what you exactly did, but I know enough to tell from our short time together… that you didn't set back and watched as the world passed by around you. Learning everything the world has to give and returning it by helping those around you. You had a great part in building this world, even when they don't deserve it."

(Y/n) didn't know whether to roll her eyes or laugh at his last statement. They have to work on that attitude of his if they are going to act on what is happening between them.

"I understand how you feel." She finally said, getting the king's full attention. "But I decide who deserves me or my labors, whether they would misuse it or not I will be the judge of that and will take responsibility for it."

Namor said nothing and just nodded and looked away toward the crashing waves whether he respected her ideas or not he didn't show it. for a while, neither of them said anything, both of them collecting their thoughts on what to say next, and the sea king seems to beat her to it.

"What do you want to do?" He asked giving her a side glance of curiosity before looking back to the sea. His question was simple yet the real meaning behind it was real. Do you want to have anything to do with me?

"First, I want to know you more." She answered in all honesty. "I don't want to rush anything between us only to be hurt later on."

"We are soulmates." He said in an almost hurried manner probably from the fear of rejection, she gave him a reassuring smile.

"I know, I just wish to understand why did fate bind 2 different souls from 2 different worlds together."

(Y/n) explained genuinely while extending her hand to his face she stopped inches away from his face, silently asking for permission, which he gave by resting his cheek in the palm of her hand and closing his eyes as if relishing in the feeling of her hand caressing his face. She brought her other hand up to hold the other side of his face and stroked his checks while her other fingers were gently scratching his beard. She can tell Namor was enjoying her attention towards him but she had to break the moment by pulling away and causing a frown and confused look to show on his face.

"Second…" She said, reminding him of the unfinished conversation. "I need to contact some… special people I know."

"Do you mean the panther?" He asked, thinking she needed to tell her of their decision.

"Well, I will have to speak to her too, but no. I need to talk to some people who might help with our…. situation."

"Situation?" He repeated confused. (Y/n) bit her lip finding it hard to explain.

"You age very slowly… I don't." She said gently,  his eyes widened slightly as if he had just realized it himself, she didn't like the sadness that started showing on his face so she explained. "I will just ask them if they have a way to extend my life."

He just nodded and gave a small smile, but the sadness was still clear in his eyes. (Y/n) knows the pain of watching the people you love grow old and disappear with time and not being able to do anything about it, but from what Shuri told her, Namor experienced this since his eyes opened to the world around him. Like her, he probably also hoped that his soulmate would show up soon to escape the loneliness. But she turned out to be a mortal, and with the time-freezing spell being lifted after their meeting, she will age in human speed while he will return to watching silently as the world kept moving fast around him, seeing people come and go into their world… including herself…

"Hey…" (Y/n) called catching the king's attention, he was met with her attempt at a comforting smile, which eased some of the grief he was feeling. "Those people live far away from any body of water but maybe I can contact one of them to come here, or maybe you can join me? You Can see some of the world and maybe even meet new people? I can understand if you don't want to, but if you did then I promise you there will be a lot of traveling to strange places. Fair warning seas king your soulmate here loves to travel a lot."

She teased him at that last part still smiling. (Y/n) she was asking him too much, not that she expected him to come with her considering not only his responsibility to his people but also his hatred for humanity, but she still wanted him to know that he is always welcome to be with her whenever he wishes to. Namor looked her in the eyes, his piercing dark eyes that 2 years ago looked at her with such loathing, now held nothing but softness towards her.

"Anywhere with you is everywhere I want to be."

Those words were spoken with such sincerity before he leaned forward and placed a kiss on top of her forehead, leaving her shocked as she stared at him with wide eyes, but the shock melted off her face and was replaced with a playful grin as she hit his shoulder.

"Don't get all sentimental on me, I thought you were a relentless sea king, not a softy lover."

"I am your lover now?" Namor asked as he scooted closer to her.

"You focused on that and not the relentless part?" (Y/n) questioned back with a raised brow.

"If it means I'm yours in the end, then yes." He had such a happy grin on his face that made her blush with how handsome he looked.

"You are so arrogant." She stated with a small chuckle as she tried to hide her face.

"But I'm yours." He replied confidently as he tried to make her look at him again.

"You're hot-tempered."

"I prefer fiery."

"God, you're obnoxious."

"Still yours."

(Y/n) was trying to push him away with every word she threw at him while fighting back laughter, but Namor kept leaning forward to her, enjoying this little game between them and wanting to enjoy her expression longer.

"Don't tell me you're going to be this clingy all the time?"

"More like affectionate and protective."

"Yeah, I have seen you being "protective" before, I know what that really means."

"Good, that means I don't have to hide it."

"what? Wait-"

(Y/n) let out a small screech as the Talokan king throw himself over her, just to lock his arms around her so she cannot escape his hold. She struggled and even hit his arms playfully, ordering him to let her go, but he wouldn't budge and just buried his face in the top of her head and closed his eyes, having a look of pure satisfaction. Seeing that, caused (Y/n) to show a smile of her own and decided to just give up the playful struggle, closed her eyes, and just relished the feeling of finally being complete.

---

I hope you guys enjoyed my first Namor fic!

[edwinspaynes]

I'll Stare Directly at the Sun but Never in the Mirror: Literary Foils, Matthew Fairchild, and Alastair Carstairs

Hello, hello, and welcome to my academic dissection of two of my all-time favourite fictional characters. I, your fearless host, will be giving you insight into Matthew and Alastair as literary foils, the ways that their arcs mirror each other, and the ways that they're two sides of the same traumatised little coin.

So, without further ado, let's start with the basics. This post is super long, so it's going under a cut.

People in the World Like Us

It bears noting that Matthew and Alastair have several superficial similarities and differences,

One of these similarities is that they are both men who love men (MLM). Unlike Charles, who is deeply filled with fear and shame, both Matthew and Alastair seem to be comfortable with being bisexual and gay (respectively) as of 1903.

Alastair is not flashy about it. He's not formally out, but he's also hiding nothing. He's just 5'10, likes hedgehogs, has dark hair, is gay, and likes music. There's 0 shame, but there's also no advertising it.

Matthew is much flashier. He's very openly MLM, even if he is not formally out to those who are not close to him. He wears Oscar Wilde's green carnation, which is indeed simply a symbol of the aesthetic movement. However, it was also so heavily associated with MLM during the time period that it'd be a fairly clear tip-off to those with any perceptive skills whatsoever. He attends salons frequently associated with LGBT culture; he openly flirts with both men and women.

Alastair also seems to seek out long-term partnerships with Charles and then, later, with Thomas. (Huge upgrade!) Matthew, on the other hand, has casual relationships frequently.

These attitudes toward their respective sexualities also seem to parallel their personalities more generally as they are written in the text. Alastair is introverted and closed off; Matthew is extraverted and free-spirited.

I will discuss both of the above points more later.

However, for now, I find this more interesting because this is the first thing that Alastair says to Matthew in Nothing but Shadows:

"You new boys have barely been here five minutes, and all you can find to talk about is some mundane who got sent to prison for indecency?" "So you know Oscar Wilde too, Alastair?" Matthew asked. [...] "I know of many mundane criminals," Alastair Carstairs said in chilly tones. "I read the mundane newspapers to find hints of demonic activity. I certainly don't bother reading plays."

In fact, it's the first thing he says at all!

Alastair clearly is not yet comfortable with being MLM, though he does get there by Chain of Gold. Matthew, on the other hand, is visibly MLM. This immediately establishes a power dynamic between someone who is by all initial appearances a homophobic straight man and a flamboyant, visibly MLM character who needs to defend the idol who shares his sexuality.

It's at this point that Matthew gets visibly agitated and begins to defend Wilde, who was almost certainly bisexual like Matthew:

"Naturally. What use do sad, unimaginative little people have for plays?" he asked. "Or paintings, or dancing, or anything that makes life interesting. I am so glad to be at this dank little school where they will try to squeeze down my mind until it is almost as narrow as yours."

This begins a conflict that will escalate over the course of the series. The initial source of their contention stems from their different reactions to a quality that they share.

Mad, Wonderful, Colorful Things

This interaction does not just set up a conflict because Matthew is hurt at the barb about his sexuality. It also shows their relationships to art. That's what I will aim to unpack in this section.

Matthew is undeniably an Art aficionado. His constant obsessive discussions of Oscar Wilde are proof enough, but he does tend to talk about art spectatorship and appreciation for Beauty a lot as well. In Nothing but Shadows, he talks about his lack of artistic prowess, but says that he could 'spectate for England.' To this, James tells him that he could be an actor.

Matthew is, in and of himself, a work of art; he dresses himself up, values his stylish clothing, and affects a theatrical air in most social settings (to the point that he made his Grand Sober Debut in Chain of Thorns while dressed as Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream.)

Matthew is enchanted with Downworld and with magic. He dances with the fair folk; he has seemingly had both friendships and sexual relations with multiple Downworlders. He attends poetry readings and artistic salons with these Downworlders, has put on performances at the Hell Ruelle before (with Kellington, who notes that they have recited poetry together).

Matthew openly- very openly- adores art in all of its forms. James casually notes that a sleeping Matthew looks like one of the cherubic, innocent paintings he adores in Chain of Gold. Matthew and art are inextricable.

But what of Alastair?

Alastair, too, admires art. He once played the piano, and he once sang ghazals. The difference is that while Matthew was encouraged by those around him to love the things he loved, Alastair quite literally had that beaten out of him while at school. Alastair eventually was so ashamed of his Persian heritage that he stopped singing ghazals (and dyed his hair to look like- you guessed it- Matthew's). He was treated so poorly that he completely disengaged with art in general despite deeply loving it.

(As an aside: I'm so glad that he has become more comfortable making music again. I really hope that he continues to nurture that as an adult in a safe and stable home).

In any case:

Matthew's artistic nature was nurtured; Alastair's was a casualty of abuse. This brings Alastair's comments about plays and Wilde's work to light a bit more - it is probable that there's a bit of deflection happening.

The specific targeting of plays is also interesting when you consider the following interaction:

“I know we’re supposed to avoid mundane things,” said Alastair, “but you must see this. It’s a film. A moving picture! This one is the latest. It’s called Le Voyage dans la Lune.”

Two years after graduating from the Academy, while on his travel year and away from Elias, Alastair was finally allowing himself to engage with art again. Intrinsically, it is clear that he still loved performances; he just closed himself off from this love to protect himself against abuse.

Tricks and Papas and the Circumstances of Your Birth

It's not a secret that Alastair was a bully in school, though it is critical to emphasize that he tried everything in his power not to be. This is true to the point of allowing himself to be physically abused by the other students for an entire year:

“When I got to school,” said Alastair slowly [to Thomas], the effort clearly costing him, “loose talk about my father had preceded me. Everyone knew he was a failure, and some of the older students decided I was an easy target. They… let’s just say that by the end of the first week, I had been made to understand my place in the hierarchy, and I had the bruises to remind me should I ever forget. [...] After about a year of being knocked around [...] I realized I could either become one of the bullies, or suffer for the rest of my school days."

When he told Cordelia about this in Chain of Gold, she inquired about why Alastair did not simply come home.

Coming home was, unfortunately, not an option for Alastair, as he faced abuse there as well. I could pick several Chain of Iron quotes, but I'll simply go with Chain of Gold's:

“Because I wanted you to have a childhood, a thing I never had. I wanted you to be able to love and respect your father as I never could. Every time he made a mess, who do you think had to clean it up? Who told you Father was ill or sleeping when he was drunk? Who went out and fetched him when he passed out in a gin palace and smuggled him in through the back door? Who learned at ten years old to refill the brandy bottles with water each morning so no one would notice the levels had sunk—?”

So, Alastair did everything he could so he would not need to go home to an abusive environment.

Matthew is, as usual, Alastair's equal and opposite reaction.

"Maybe it's the fact you have everything I want," Matthew snarled [to James]. "And you don't even seem to want it. [...] They will send you home any time you like," Matthew said. "They're trying to drive you away. And no matter what I do, they won't chuck me out. Not the Consul's son. [...] I want to go home, all right?" Matthew snapped. "I want to be with my father!"

The very reason that Alastair cannot go home is the reason that Matthew feels that he absolutely must.

Matthew later muses in Cast Long Shadows:

His papa was the best papa in the world, so Matthew had no opportunity to be cruelly oppressed or sadly neglected.

Matthew's love for his family and perception of them as a kind, nurturing presence makes it impossible for him to understand Alastair. This is true to the point that he empathizes with Elias in his obvious neglect of Alastair at the Academy, stating that if he had "an insufferable toad of a son, and were he blessedly to be sent away to school, [he was] not sure [he] could bring [him]self to blast [his] sight with his visage until the accursed holidays carried him back to [him] again.”

Like with Alastair's bullying being a survival response, it is important to note that Matthew does not have all the information here. And yet, it perpetuates the pattern: Matthew cannot conceptualize the idea of an abusive home.

The irony? Matthew himself is a parentified child, just as Alastair is (though, obviously, without the other layers of purposeful abuse). He just doesn't realize it. Look:

[Parentification] occurs when parents look to their children for emotional and/or practical support, rather than providing it. Hence, the child becomes the caregiver. As a result, parentified children are forced to assume adult responsibilities and behaviors before they are ready to do so. In addition, they do not receive acknowledgment or support for taking on these responsibilities. (Quote from Newport Academy)

And Matthew:

"I have put out fires on my own father's head. My mother is always busy, and Charles Buford is always running after her and acting superior. I'm the one who takes care of my father. I'm the one who listens to him. I didn't want to go away to school and leave him, and I've been doing all I can to get chucked out and go back."

Matthew behaved terribly, refused to do training exercises, and ultimately blew up a part of the school at least in part because he wanted to go back to this situation. Unfortunately, as he has been doing this all his life, it seems normal to him. He doesn't think of it at all beyond loving his father and needing to take care of him.

So Alastair has a terrible relationship with an abusive father. Matthew has an outwardly-great relationship with an absentminded but loving father that he himself does not realize he has a backwards relationship with. Combine that with his mother and brother always being negligent, and we don't have a recipe for a great home situation.

No one notices that there is a problem in either Matthew's or Alastair's case.

Anyway, this brings us to The Incident. Matthew, to Alastair:

“Has no kind soul thought to inform you that your hairstyle is, to use the gentlest words available to me, ill-advised? A friend? Your papa? Does nobody care enough to prevent you from making a spectacle of yourself?"

Matthew didn't intend to hit Alastair where it hurt, but he did nonetheless. Alastair is aware that his father does not love him, or at best has a destructive and abusive 'love' for him. He is aware of and understands his own abuse and parentification. He also understands that no one treats him with care, and Matthew hit the pain button hard.

It's in this moment that Alastair decides to strike Matthew back just as hard. He tells him that he is Gideon Lightwood's bastard, that Henry is not, in fact, his father. Matthew's relationship with Henry, whom he loves as a central tenant of his life, is seemingly called into question.

It is no surprise that he cannot forget. It is no surprise that he, an emotionally volatile boy who literally exploded a wing of the school because of the rage that he had at that comment, may take drastic action to ensure that Henry Fairchild was, in fact, his father.

You can read more on this here, but Alastair became a sort of scapegoat for Matthew after he unwittingly caused his mother's miscarriage. The reason for this is that he, Matthew, simply could not cope with such a heavy burden on his own.

And that's also when the drinking started.

A Noted Handler of Drunks

Alastair is the child of an alcoholic. We see the trauma this has caused him in the earlier quote about wanting Cordelia to have a childhood, but we also see the impact of this in his direct interactions with Elias in Chain of Iron. A couple of examples:

Elias looked at his son. He did not hold out his arms, as he had to Cordelia, but his voice was thick with emotion when he spoke. “Come and greet me, Esfandiyar,” he said. It was Alastair’s middle name. [...] Alastair didn't move.

[Alastair's] father’s face was beet red, and he seemed to have worked himself up into something of a lather. [...] He slammed his hand against the floor.

“Does he—” There was a sharp sound, as of something being knocked off a table, and then the familiar noises of Elias retching. Cordelia could hear Alastair telling James to go, that he would manage it.

But Alastair looked more than long-suffering. His gaze was focused on their father with a barely contained loathing.

This is, of course, far from all of them. We also get an entire Alastair PoV scene where he is grieving in a hard, cold way not only for Elias, but also for his own childhood:

Alastair stood in the parlor, staring blankly out the window at the house next door. He had been watching two little boys playing on the floor of their living room while their mother worked at her embroidery and their father read the newspaper. He could not help but hear his mother’s words as she’d wept, The child will never know his father. Lucky child, he’d said to Cordelia, but under the flippancy, there was a hard, cold sorrow, a sorrow that felt like a blade of ice cutting through him. It was hard to breathe around the loss.

And, as Cassie said at her 2020 St. Louis Chain of Gold panel, Alastair- the child of an alcoholic- has the same level of PTSD as a war veteran.

It is Elias who forced him to grow up at age 10. It is Elias who made him feel worthless. It is Elias who initially abused him, just as it was Elias who sent him off to Shadowhunter Academy to face more abuse. This school abuse was in large part because of Elias's own behavior as well as because of Alastair's brownness (that white Elias failed to consider despite his entire family being made up of PoC). And, as we established, it is Elias's fault that Alastair cannot go home.

Now, Matthew unfairly blames Alastair for something that is squarely the fault of the adult faerie that used him as a tool to try to assassinate the Consul. It is in this moment that Matthew begins his descent into alcoholism:

“That first night,” Matthew said, “after it happened, I took a bottle of whiskey from my parents’ cupboard and drank it. I was vilely sick afterward, but for the first few moments, when it dulled the sharpness of my thoughts and senses, the pain faded. Went away. I felt a lightness of heart, and it is that I have been seeking again and again. That surcease.”

This alcoholism is, in turn, triggering to Alastair, which we can see here (and in many other, smaller places throughout the series):

Alastair’s expression went flat. “You think I would be relieved to hear she’s with Matthew? You think I don’t know a drunk when I see one? Believe me, I do. If he puts Cordelia in harm’s way—”

This begins an endless cycle of conflict. Matthew is angry at Alastair and blames him for the thing that caused him to drink. Alastair is triggered by Matthew's drinking and behaves abrasively. Matthew gets drunker and more upset. Alastair gets more triggered. It is endless, and it's no wonder that they didn't get along.

But Matthew is not like Elias. Cordelia notes that he is not "bitter" as her father is; James notes that, unlike Matthew, Elias cannot handle his alcohol well. Matthew shows none of the aggressive, angry tendencies that Elias does.

And unlike Elias, Matthew eventually begins to do the work necessary to quit drinking. On his own, he:

Realizes that he cannot quit simply because he wants to

Decides and vocalizes that he has a problem that he should work on

Attempts to quit cold-turkey (and fails)

Agrees to drink Christopher's sedative, committing to doing better even though he knows it will be a painful and arduous journey that could literally kill him

All of these are wonderful things to be proud of Matthew for. However, he and his friends have no experience with alcohol withdrawal. Matthew's active propensity for self-harm also leads him to keep bottles to tempt himself, because he believes that he deserves the difficult journey. Because "the suffering is part of the punishment."

Alastair is the only person that could help him here. He has no obligation to, but he does, anyway.

“It isn’t really about seeming drunk, though, is it?” said Alastair, unbuttoning his coat. “My father had to drink, in the end, simply to seem normal.” “I am not your father,” said Matthew frostily. “You are much younger. You have been drinking a much shorter time. Your chances are much better.”

And, before pouring all of Matthew's booze out the window:

"Having all this here is like asking an addict to live in an opium den,” [Alastair] said. “You are never going to be able to drink casually. Alcohol will always mean something to you that it does not mean to other people. Getting rid of this stuff will make it easier. Why not have it be easier?”

This is the beginning of Matthew and Alastair burying the hatchet.

In a way, this makes sense. They are, at the same time, confronting the things that they hate most in the other. Alastair is tackling Matthew's alcoholism head-on despite his own trauma and triggers. Matthew is forced to view Alastair as a person as complex as he himself is, and one that is going out of his way to help him.

In this moment, Matthew is no longer just a drunk to Alastair, and Alastair is no longer a monster to Matthew. It is at this point that they can view each other just as men.

You've Lost Your Hat. I've Lost My Sister!

It's important that we take a look at both Matthew's and Alastair's relationship with the other one's sibling. Alastair secretly dates Charles Fairchild for years; Matthew harbors a desperate passion for Cordelia Carstairs and impulsively runs away with her. Both of these situations end in broken hearts.

Let's first talk about Charles and Alastair.

First, Alastair's birthday would be in the autumn of 1884; Charles' would be early 1879. This means that Charles is nearly 6 years older than Alastair.

I want to preface this by saying that we have received conflicting information regarding this relationship from Clare and from the Shadowhunter canon. She has said that Alastair did not acquaint himself with Charles until 1902, when he was around 17 and Charles was 23. However, she also once said that Alastair picked up the habit of reading mundane papers from Charles, which he was doing in Nothing But Shadows. At this point, Alastair would have been 15 and Charles would have been 21. Charles also says "after these years" in Chain of Gold, so they were obviously together for over a year.

This means there are three possibilities:

Charles and Alastair got together when they were 22/23 and 17 (best case scenario, still gross)

Charles and Alastair got together when they were at most 21 and 15 respectively, which is when Alastair got the habit of reading the papers

Charles and Alastair knew each other when Alastair was 15, likely younger, but did not have sex until they were 22/23 and 17 respectively

None of these situations are ideal.

Charles also is extremely wealthy; he is the son of the current Consul; he is in a powerful political position as the next Consul; his family is not intentionally abusive and would not reject him; he is white; he is well-loved.

Alastair has none of these privileges. He is the son of a disgraced drunk; his family is in a lot of debt (though they do own Cirenworth); he is brown and treated poorly for it; he is very young; he is vulnerable because he comes from an abusive household; his life has very little love and joy in it. He is also gay and probably did not meet any other MLM until Charles showed up.

The relationship itself also appears unhealthy. Charles becomes extremely angry in Chain of Gold when Alastair privately says he loves him, yelling at him never to say that. Alastair immediately asks him why he has come to him if not for sex, making it pretty clear that Charles primarily (if not exclusively) values Alastair for sex. Charles left Alastair alone in Paris to gallivant around by himself and later with Thomas. Charles did not communicate with Alastair about his engagements and placed the blame on him for not taking a bride and not understanding the world.

It does a number on him. We see this in the fact that he becomes physically ill when he looks at Charles in Chain of Iron. We also see this in his future insecurities with Thomas.

In Chain of Thorns, Thomas literally confesses his love to Alastair in multiple languages, has sex with him, sleeps next to him all night, and opts to hang out with him the next day during the battle. Not 12 hours later, Alastair asks Thomas if he actually likes him, saying (to Thomas's reassurance that he cared) that

"'[That] was the sort of thing Charles always said. ‘I care for you, I have feelings for you.’ Never just ‘I love you—’ "

But luckily, Thomas loves all of Alastair, not just the 'palatable' parts. Thomas loves Alastair as he deserves to be loved.

Charles and Alastair had a very lopsided, abusive, and disgustingly underage grooming-type relationship. It was harmful to Alastair and obviously did a long-term number on him, but he bore it because he was lonely and accepting the love that he thought he deserved.

Now let's talk about Cordelia and Matthew.

Cordelia Carstairs is not a harmful person. She is no Charles Fairchild. However, Matthew seems to use her- and his passion for her- to harm himself. Note that none of this is Cordelia's fault, nor is it on her to be Matthew's salvation. But Matthew sees in her an escape, a sort of saving grace.

She is an outsider; this makes her someone that he can tell his secret to. She does not reject him, which further cements her into the "good" category of people that Matthew feels safe with.

Matthew hates himself and self-harms by self-medicating. His passion for Cordelia is similar to that; she is the single most unattainable person ever for him. She is his parabatai's wife, one that he knows is already in love with James. But he touches the fire because it burns him, because it makes him feel something.

It's also curious that Matthew leaves Cordelia at the end of the book, and that the book itself notes that they did not become closer after the final battle concluded:

[T]hat closeness she had felt with him in Paris was gone, the sense of how well they understood one another. Paradoxically, Matthew had only grown closer to James, and to Thomas, and even Alastair.

Matthew is essentially quitting Cordelia in the same way that he quit drinking. He needs time and distance; he needs to stop getting near that fire so he can heal.

It's also very interesting to note what "Paris" is to Alastair vs Matthew.

In Chain of Iron, Matthew says:

“I was going to Paris because it seemed to me James finally understood what he had, being married to you—and I was glad, only I also knew I could not bear to see it. I thought in Paris I might forget. In Paris, one forgets everything.”

Matthew also treats Paris as a sort of salvation, a magical place where he no longer will be constrained by the self-blame and self-hate that plague him:

“Matthew,” she said. “In Paris, will you be able to forgive yourself?” He smiled at that—a real smile; his face lit up, and Cordelia could not help but think that it was a face that would open any door in Paris to them. “In Paris,” he said, “I shall be able to forgive all the world.”

And, simply:

"In Paris we can be whomever we wish.”

Matthew views Paris as some sort of magical place, removed from the problems of everyday life. It is a place to forgive and forget. It is the best place on earth. It can bring out all the good in you. It's a wish of a place.

It's disconnected and dreamlike.

This is exactly what Alastair found in Paris without even looking for it.

The whole trip had seemed disconnected and dreamlike. Alastair had come from nowhere and now returned to nowhere, and Thomas had no idea when they would next see each other, or how they would act when they did.

Indeed,

Alastair had not asked Thomas about his friends or his family. Thomas hadn’t asked Alastair, either. For these days it had been as though nobody else existed in the entire world.

Thomas and Alastair find this escape in Paris. It was completely removed from their everyday life, and they were both allowed to only be themselves. It was Thomas and Alastair, and they were together, and they never spoke of it again until Chain of Iron, when they only spoke of it when they were alone together.

It's ironic on a storytelling level that this is the one thing Matthew wanted that Alastair got. Even when Alastair views Matthew as the embodiment of everything that he wishes he were, he was the one who got a magical wish of a time in Paris. And Matthew never knew.

Love People Have Denied Themselves

At this point we've established the ways that Alastair and Matthew are trauma-mirrors. We also have established the ways that they each use the other's sibling as an unhealthy balm for those traumas.

Now, I would like to take a look at the ways that they respond to that trauma more generally.

Both characters are scared because they feel that their own trauma responses will be a burden on those around them.

As a result, Alastair has become a fortress. He lets no one in besides his sister (who he aims to protect), his mother (who seems to view him as a sort of co-conspirator), Charles (who abuses him), and eventually Thomas (praise be!) We'll talk about Thomas a lot in the coming sections.

But first:

Matthew, on the other hand, puts on something that I like to call his Sunshine Armor. I deeply relate to this quality in Matthew, actually. He acts happy, lighthearted, and carefree to hide the fact that he is, in fact, in pain. He does this even before he begins drinking. In Cast Long Shadows he literally puts on a Smile, puts on his flashy clothing, calls himself a "waste of space in a waistcoat," and goes out to charm and amuse while pondering his personal failings and how he is likely a bad parabatai.

It's also so ingrained in the character that it's part of his physical appearance:

[Matthew's eyes] were such a dark green that they fooled people, except when light struck the dark a certain way and the depths flashed emerald. Like the rest of him, his eyes were a trick.

And now, he believes that "drink makes [him] amusing" in Chain of Gold. He believes that it makes him charming and likeable, which we see in Chain of Thorns when he tells James that he doesn't know who he will be after he sobers up.

"I know what I’d be doing at an ordinary party,” he said. “Floating about, being entertaining. [...] Being witty and charming. Or at least, I thought I was witty and charming. Without the alcohol, I…” His voice sank. “It’s like I’m watching clockwork dolls in a child’s dollhouse, acting out their parts. Nothing seems real. Or perhaps I am the one who is not real.”

Matthew believes himself to be, in some way, flawed. He believes himself to be unlovable.

This is one way in which he and Alastair are eerily similar. In fact, it is the initial thing that Matthew finds to relate to Alastair in:

Matthew’s eyes opened. “Is he—are you two—?” “He won’t agree to be with me,” said Thomas quietly. “But not out of unkindness. He thinks he would be bad for me. I think… in some way… he believes he does not deserve to be happy. Or perhaps it is that he is unhappy, and he believes it is a sort of contagion that might spread.” “I understand that,” Matthew said, a little wonderingly. “How much love people have denied themselves through the ages because they believed they did not deserve it. As if the waste of love is not the greater tragedy.”

Alastair's main internal conflict throughout TLH is that he believes himself to be unlovable because of his past mistakes. This is no surprise; in fact, it is the only thing that makes sense. His father was a monster to him for at least a decade. The other students at school beat him until he became something he did not want to be. The main group of characters in TLH- including those like Anna who do not know him- continuously villainize him despite his many attempts to apologize.

So, it's no surprise that he believes himself to be "dangerous and bad" for Thomas at the end of Chain of Iron.

Unlike Matthew, who does not like to be alone and finds a way to charm and amuse and remain extraverted and connected, Alastair self-isolates. He does not wish to subject those around him to his company, as we initially see in Chain of Iron when he does not want to go to social events and avoids places that he knows others in the Enclave will be gathering.

This issue persists throughout Chain of Thorns and is a core part of his plotline:

"The person most standing between Alastair and happiness is Alastair himself. He is brave, and loyal, and his heart—” [Thomas] found himself blushing. “I suppose I wish Alastair would treat himself as he deserves to be treated.”

Alastair also admits this later:

"You [Thomas] said that you wish I would treat myself as I deserve to be treated. The thing is, that’s exactly what I was doing. I was denying myself the thing I wanted more than anything else in the world because I didn’t believe I deserved it.”

Everything Exactly the Way That It Is

So, we come to the core question of both Matthew's and Alastair's existence, the one that they both clearly play over and over in their heads every night. Matthew finally vocalizes it, rather heartbreakingly, in Chain of Thorns:

"Am I so hard to love?"

The narrative clearly (correctly) believes that both of these characters are worth loving, but their conclusions look very different.

Matthew is positioned as a character who hates himself despite being surrounded by others who love him. He keeps his Great Sin a secret to retain that love. Note that this is a way that Matthew, like Alastair, is closed off. He keeps this one occurrence to himself. Alastair, then, is positioned as a character who does not have loved ones surrounding him despite his constant attempts to do better.

In creating this curious effect, Clare makes Matthew a character who does not need a romantic conclusion. His arc does not necessitate this interpersonal connection or intimacy, because he is already loved. Instead, Matthew's arc needs to be resolved with self-love, self-care, and compassion for himself.

In fact, a romantic conclusion would have proven unsatisfying for Matthew. It's critical that he spends some time alone, especially since this was set up when he initially attempted to go to Paris alone before Cordelia came along. His departure from London, and from those in it, has been shown as a necessity ever since Chain of Iron.

This is especially true at the end as Matthew undoubtedly still has feelings for Cordelia:

“Daisy.” He turned to her in surprise. “I care about you still. I always will, in some part of my heart, and James knows that; but I am happy you are together."

Distance is necessary, and because Matthew no longer is a servant to the bottle of his Great Sin, he is free to be a wandering spirit. He is free to do "mad, wonderful, colorful things," get to know himself sober, and chase joy in that way. Romance would be yet another thing to tether him in one place at this point in time; he needs freedom for a while, to get to know Matthew Fairchild.

On the other hand...

Clare also positions Alastair as a character who must experience love and intimacy in order to have a satisfying conclusion to his arc. Matthew must improve in his own eyes; Alastair must see himself in another's to understand that he is already capable of love and forgiveness and opening up.

Thomas provides him with this. He obviously likes Alastair's biting wit; his pain does not scare him off. "I need to breathe" does not scare him off or make him think less of Alastair. Because Thomas has always seen the good in Alastair, even when he was not showing it; Thomas "like[d] his nonsense" at school and now:

It was as if [Alastair] had been locked in a room, and Thomas had opened the door: Alastair now seemed to feel free to express the love and affection for his friends and family he had always tamped down and hidden away.

Essentially, Matthew and Alastair are mirrors whose pain, trauma, and healing journeys reflect each other. However, their healing- the ways that they will find grace and delight and joy- are astronomically different.

But it's breathtakingly beautiful.

The wild boy who has always been tied to one place, by secrets and by love and by bitterness and by addiction, is finally completely free. Free to wander and roam and laugh loudly and lose himself to adventure. Free to fall in love with himself, the "beginning of a lifelong romance" per Oscar Wilde.

And the worldly wanderer, an eternal traveler who has never had a real home where felt safe and loved, finally got that. Finally got to build a home with someone gentle who loves him "more than anything." Finally gets stability and security and hard-won happiness.

I am so incredibly happy for them both.

taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed): @staywildefairchild @s0urlemons262 @belle-keys @coriia @drunkonimagination @alastaircarstairsismybff @vwritesaus @claritywithclary

[gakriele-lvs-blog]

Hunter's list of parental figures

Hunter accumulated a remarkable amount of possible parental figures across the series (in both canon and fanon)

-Lilith (at least in fanon): Even throught she acted cold and uncaring during her stay in the emperor's coven she was indeed still a good person behind that mask. So upon realizing the kind of life Hunter was going through (after questioning her belief, past actions, and faith) she would willing to do everything in her power to get him the hell out of Belos's grasp, including getting Eda or Raine involved to assure his safety.

-Raine (Also in fanon): As an active rebel in disguise, they would most likely found out about Hunter's identity behind the mask and the treatment he suffered. They would also do anything in their power to save Hunter, even if it means leaving their current position to do so. (They would definitely appear at Eda's door and say: "Behold! Our son!" he is very sad and is made out of wood and stolen meat!)

Eda: She literally adopted two random kids in the span of 3 to 6 months. Who is going to stop her from adopting the nephew of the Demon Realm equivalent of Jesus? Her human daughter literally assaults government facilities on a weekly basis and his son is a literal offspring of GOD! If you mess with her kids she is going to break your bones and steal your wallet! And In Hollow Mind if Hunter hasn't run away and stayed she would have gotten the adoption papers the next morning.

Darius: We all know this one. The poor man has probably been overwhelmed with guilt and regret after losing his mentor, and looking at Hunter so blindly loyal to Belos must have been quite a heartbreaking sight. But the moment Hunter showed his willingness to defy authority... After Hollow Mind, he probably has a room ready for him at his house, filled with pretty much everything he thinks he will need (from hundreds of books, Flyer Derby equipment, a sewing kit, and who knows what else he has prepared to spoil him rotten)

Camila: We all know she is the Endgame. She is the one who knows him the best out of everyone, she was there when he was left powerless, without a mission, duty, or fate... not even family. She was the reason he learned what is like to be part of a true family. She doesn't care for formalities, she personally teaches him how to use the sewing machine, provided him with the food and clothes he wanted, and even allowed him to use hers and Manny's books and cosplays. Without mentioning how Luz is practically her sister in every shape and form except legally.

Dell (mostly fanon): Hunter mentioned how he wishes to learn how to carve palismans. And who else is a master of the art? one that has probably been looking for someone to pass on the family's legacy. That old but wise man could deliver in a silver plate one of Hunter's dreams.

Steve: No joking, I remember reading a fic about just that, the man appears out of nowhere and gets Hunter the fuck out of here (no idea where it is or if it was a fever dream of mine but...)

[barghestapologist]

WIP WHENEVER

Tagged by @ouroboros-hideout and @sofia-in-nc !! Tysm as always, I love doing these :D

Been super busy lately. Art's coming pretty slowly, so for a change I have a little writing! Currently working on some shit for Kerberos, specifically about his time working on the Cynosure revival project, certainly a relaxing chapter in his life. This little passage does contain his real name, but I'm not giving up his secrets that easily, so for the time being, I'm just leaving blank spaces lol. The other character, Aston, was one of his coworkers on the project.

“Did you know they use them on the moon? Militech does, I mean.” Aston stopped next to one of the work tables laden with a menagerie of tools and manuals, picking up one that seemed to belong to the bot. “Can you imagine being stuck on the fucking moon with one of those? I mean, the thought of a live one here is bad enough.“

“They don’t go rabid on facility workers, Aston, that defeats the entire purpose.” _______ stood beside him, watching him thumb through the manual over his shoulder. “It’s a robot that carries out assigned duties and eliminates unauthorized personnel. And there isn’t a live one! Said it yourself. Wherever our rogue unit is, it's dead. There’s no way we wouldn’t have at least heard it by now.” 

He tossed the packet back down. “We’re authorized, anyway. Site’s defunct, but still needs authorization to operate. On the off chance said rogue unit is indeed still kickin’, shouldn’t bother us.” Aston scanned over the table's contents, brushing a few loose drill bits off a blueprint laid out across the surface. He was quiet for a moment. “Do you think it knows everyone’s gone? You think it’s sad or something?”

“I think it’s a machine run by an AI that doesn’t care about anything other than an aberration it must correct, or a charging station it must connect to. If I’m being honest, I highly doubt it gives a shit.” _______ looked up at the two inactive units. He wondered that himself often. How human it was to see something which merely imitated life and wonder if it had any feelings. “I think that’s something we impose on other things when we get sad.” 

“You think I’m sad, ___?”

“I’m fucking sad. Look at this place.” _______ looked at his warped reflection in the side of a shiny chrome toolbox. “I miss the sun. I miss my bed. I miss not being trapped in Militech’s fucking catacombs.” 

“You’re a ‘runner, ___, so ‘m I. How much of a difference from our dens even is this? Just a little deeper underground.” Aston shrugged. “We’ll get used to it.” 

He stared at himself a little longer. “Sure.”  

Tagging without pressure!

@cybercath @kriminaldata @luteolye

[best-underrated-anime]

Best Underrated Anime Group E Round 2: #E1 vs #E2

#E1: Dead people are revived with souls from the future. Hilarity and angst ensue.

#E2: Psychic girl is adopted by Yakuza. Hijinks ensue.

Details and poll under the cut!

#E1: Are You Ok (You Yao)

Summary:

People from the modern world transmigrating (Chinese version of isekai) into the ancient Chinese fantasy world has become a common and everyday occurrence that the royal court in the latter has decided to moderate them. If you’re a transmigrator, you must report your existence to Lou Zhu, the master of Best Tower. Once you pass his test and prove that you are indeed a modern person, you can then be assigned to work in different areas of the government and be given a high salary.

Because of this promised benefit, many impostors have showed up before Lou Zhu. And one day, Zuo Yunqi shows up for this test. Is he an impostor, or is he an actual modern person?

But some transmigrators also choose to hide their existence out of distrust in the government. Where are they? And with their advanced knowledge on science and technology, what are they planning in the dark?

Propaganda:

The setting is a genius mix of ancient and modern. Lou Zhu’s tower looks like an ancient Chinese building on the outside, but on the inside it’s like a hotel, complete with different entertainment venues and even a milk tea shop! And of course, what’s a hotel without an elevator? But since electricity isn’t invented yet, it’s just powered by different men (in fancy uniforms) on bicycles.

You’d expect that the locals would have some amount of horror, sadness, and grief over dead people coming back to life and moving and talking as if nothing has happened. Except there isn’t; at least, not much. They’ve gotten used to it. Life still has to go on, so why not enjoy it?

On one hand, You Yao shows us the transmigrators’ lives and how they cope in this unfamiliar world. Often in isekai/transmigration stories, the locals are portrayed as “backward” and “ignorant” to highlight the modern character’s supposed intelligence. But in You Yao, the two parties have an equal relationship. Transmigrators still have to follow the laws set by the Emperor, and their modern knowledge doesn't always prove to be useful. Unless they can invent novel things despite limited materials, their knowledge often fails to set them apart. I mean, what are you gonna do when you’re an art student whose only talent is drawing p*rn but people expect you to cook??? Or how about when you’re literate in Simplified Chinese but can’t read the locals’ Traditional Chinese text? Or what about when your soul ends up in the body of a mosquito instead???

Even with a high salary from the Emperor, being a transmigrator is not that easy. And as the show unfolds, we find that there’s more to them than comedic figures. 

On the other hand, You Yao is also about the locals and how they have to adapt to their fast-changing world. My favorite among them is Lin Kai. He has fully embraced the changes that he’s become akin to a transmigrator in his knowledge of the modern world. He’s not prominent in the novel, but the donghua treated him with a full musical sequence when he was about to confess to his crush 😂. As the only straight character, they probably had to highlight his love story to let the BL go under the radar—Oh, have I mentioned this show is a BL with several pairs?

Chinese censorship won’t allow the gay to be explicit, but they managed to still make it very fruity. The s1 ending song is literally about the second pair, Li Ke and Zhou Rongqi (aka Prince Yu).

Then there’s the animation style, which is a hybrid of 2D and 3D CGI. People not used to 3D anime may wince at this, but it’s actually common in China. You Yao’s style works quite well for it, too, giving it a distinctive flair.

To sum it up, You Yao is a compelling show that deconstructs the isekai/transmigration genre. If you’re after comedy with depth and an overarching plot, this is the show for you. There’s also some gay romantic angst sprinkled throughout, giving you lots of materials for fanfiction 😎

Trigger warnings: Guns, kidnapping, and imprisonment. Nothing too dark, though.

#E2: Hinamatsuri

Summary:

While reveling in the successful clinching of a prized vase for his collection, Yoshifumi Nitta, a yakuza member, is rudely interrupted when a large, peculiar capsule suddenly materializes and falls on his head. He opens the capsule to reveal a young, blue-haired girl, who doesn't divulge anything about herself but her name—Hina—and the fact that she possesses immense powers. As if things couldn't get any worse, she loses control and unleashes an explosion if her powers remain unused. Faced with no other choice, Nitta finds himself becoming her caregiver.

Propaganda 1:

Hinamatsuri is about…

Hina, who is a psychic metaphor for autism ala Mob but imo better. She’s not only a weirdgirl who’s friends are almost all other strange girls, but she’s also into stuff that is just so either unfitting for her age or she’s just really intense about.

Nitta, who deserves all the fangirls and husbando-ing that every other random guy in anime gets. He’s a bachelor who loves pottery and can cook so well that Hina convinces her friends they have a gourmet chef working for them. He’s also a yakuza and is beloved by the aniki for being incredibly tough and scary. (He is gentle as hell with Hina.)

A bunch of other weird girls (Admin: this part of the propaganda has been cut due to possible spoilers)

Propaganda 2:

Hinamatsuri is an absolutely hilarious anime with some of the best comic timing I’ve ever seen. It’s so funny, the various girls are such nonsense.

Hina starts as a violent blank slate and develops into a lazy greedy horrible little gremlin. Anzu starts as a prideful edgy rival but eventually becomes a wholesome overly grateful insecure mess. Hitomi is forced to become more and more competent, independent, and adult because she can't stand up for herself and say no to people asking her for favors.

Nitta is a fantastic viewpoint character because he outwardly takes so much in stride that it’s easy to forget how annoyed and stressed everything makes him until he snaps.

Trigger Warnings: There is child nudity, but only for a Terminator reference. There is some comedic child neglect and slapstick. There is a child who is homeless, but it’s treated very sensitively.

When reblogging and adding your own propaganda, please tag me @best-underrated-anime so that I’ll be sure to see it.

If you want to criticize one of the shows above to give the one you’re rooting for an advantage, then do so constructively. I do not tolerate groundless hate or slander on this blog. If I catch you doing such a thing in the notes, be it in the tags or reblogs, I will block you.

Know one of the shows above and not satisfied with how they’re presented in this tournament? Just fill up this form, where you can submit revisions for taglines, propaganda, trigger warnings, and/or video.

[duckvenger]

Y'know how @gabrielisdead said a little while back that it'd be neat to see a Disney villain song for Hyde? And then @rms-himmel suggested adapting Friends On The Other Side? Well thanks for the inspiration you two, annnddd...

Here yah go! I'm sorry that the audio is buggy in places; my mic isn't the best. But this was a lotta fun to make! :D

I plan to draw a short PMV for the song so I can upload it to my YouTube channel (Coffeevenger). If anyone else also wants to make art of Hyde and Jekyll inspired by Dr Facilier and his shadows, I'd love to see it!!

Lyrics under the cut.

[Hyde, sung:] Don't you disrespect me, good man! Don't interrogate, oh so sly! You're in my world now, not your world And I’ve got a friend on the other side ([Jekyll, sung:] He’s got a friend on the other side)

[Hyde, spoken:] That's an echo, Utterson Just a little something we have here in the streets of Soho Now follow me - yes, hurry!

[Hyde, sung:] In the night you’re able To be what you please If you relax, you’ll find that you don’t need, all those Pointless chivalries

I can read you, good sir You’re lookin’ to learn ‘bout me Well look deep into my heart and soul ([Hyde, spoken:] We do have a soul, don't we, Jekyll?) I wanna know what you see

Am I no-one? Am I someone? Why am I something Jekyll hides? Well he’s just our friend on the other side ([Jekyll, sung:] I’m his friend from the other side)

[Hyde, sung:] The child, the child, that poor young lass It’s true, yes sir, I ran over that girl And yet, I’m here, all scott free! And it’s thanks to ol’ Jekyll that my hands are clean

Now you, good man, with your lawyerly deeds You know well both sides of humanity ([Hyde, spoken:] It’s like everyone’s got two faces, ain’t it?) You help folks rise And then watch ‘em fall You’re frontrow to the sadness, yet you never intervene

[Hyde, spoken:] Y’know, I can tell yer scared of me

[Utterson, spoken:] Ah. That’s not true-!

[Hyde, spoken:] Aww c’mon now, I promise I don’t bite Utterson! I just wanna be free, Hop from place to place But freedom takes green!

[Hyde, sung:] It's the green, yes indeed, I’m the green you see When Jekyll put me in a vial he found it’s all that he needs

On Jekyll good man, I don't wanna waste much time He’s been so perfect all his life A true Victorian gentleman without flaws or ill intentions And he seems so happy Yet he’s miserable ‘bout his life But beneath that mask: the ‘him’ I see… Your dear doctor ain’t as good as you want him to be!

[Utterson, spoken:] This is slander!

[Hyde, spoken:] Aww, come on, sir! Don’t you seek the truth, Utterson? …Yeees!

[Hyde, sung:] Are you ready? ([Jekyll, sung:] Please don’t do this!) Are you ready?

Transformation central! ([Jekyll, sung:] Stop it now, you devil!) Reformation central! ([Jekyll, sung:] Do not drink that chemical!) Transmogrification central! Can you feel it?

We're changin', we're changin', we're changin', all right! I hope you're satisfied But if you ain't, don't blame me! You can blame my friend on the other side! ([Jekyll, sung:] Is this what you wanted?) ([Jekyll, sung:] 'Coz there’s no turning back…)

[krysmcscience]

MOGUS ART DUMP TIME

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Brown, Red, and Green raised a kid together? Probably, because there's no fuckin' way that kid would end up normal by any stretch of the word, and it would be absolutely hilarious to watch the assured family drama unfold.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if the kid they raised came from an entirely different canon universe altogether? Probably not, but that's what's about to happen in this fukken post, because in an alternate timeline, the kid these three adopted turned out to be Shio. (Yes, that Shio - the one whose canonical appearance typically requires a Body Horror warning. If you want additional context about who tf Shio is, there’s a simple summary of them in this post (some of the deets for other characters is, kinda outdated or wildly inaccurate now, ahaha, C A M), or you can read the WIP for the novel they’re from here. Although, there’s some good or bad news if you take the latter route, depending: Shio doesn’t show up until the end of chapter three, and you already have hella spoilers going in, LOL.)

That being said, get ready for some family photos of our favorite trio of gay space pirates, who have managed to accidentally adopt an impostor baby from a whole other universe, which is a totally normal and average thing to happen to anyone ever, no big deal. Pay no attention to the fact that their brand new impostor baby used to be a literal war criminal, one who attempted to rage-quit life so hard over being dumped that the creation deity of their universe took one long look at them and decided, 'Ya know what would be funny? Resetting this piece of shit back to Babby Status without any memories whatsoever of who they used to be, and then tossing them out into space for a trio of some of the biggest chaosmongers in this other reality’s existence to stumble across and adopt because they think they've just found some weird cute animal, rather than a fully sapient being that is going to molt into what looks like a human baby in a little less than two years. That would be So Fucking Funny and it needs to happen Right Now.'

'Look at how tiny and cute and huggable this lil guy is, surely they will stay this way forever~' Oh, Brown, you poor sweet naive little man. Shio's only three here, they've got plenty of time to grow. >:3c

Plenty of time to grow and decide that they're more of a 'he' than a 'they' this time around, even.

Sweet/sad fact about Brown - he refuses to allow a child of his to go without love and support because of the way he lacked those things growing up (and in general). Hilarious fact about Brown to follow that up with, though - that does not mean he will be responsible and NOT put his all into teaching his child to become a notorious space pirate just like him (with - of course - the Full Backing of Green and Red). So, Shio might not become a war criminal, per se, but, uh. He is Definitely still gonna wind up becoming a criminal. <:]

Yes, Red's shirt says 'Puppy Cannon', and it is indeed a reference to 'Party Cannon', why do you ask? Shio's shirt, meanwhile, says 'Squish Bab', whereas Brown's says 'I woke up like this (48 hours ago)', and Green's gauges have 'BlaXk HUle' on them. (Crinkle assures me it's pronounced the same as 'black hole', and while my brain understands this logically, my eyeballs still have doubts.)

'Well, Shio has gotten bigger and taller than me despite him only being 13, but surely he won't get any bigger than this, right???' Keep dreaming, Brown, this isn't even Shio's final form size.

Has Shio already accompanied his parents on several heists and raids on MIRA property while in some manner of disguise by now? Not according to any of Devon's paperwork. Which Shio helps with on a consistent basis to give his parents some alone time. And who wouldn't trust the beloved Admiral's part-time assistant~? He's such a calm, quiet, and responsible young man~ ;) Pay no mind to the fact that, against Red's wishes and to Green's not-so-secret delight, Shio and Brown have recently and very intentionally caused a full-blown society-wide panic back in Shio's old universe, thanks in part to them learning about his past life and making a series of videos on social media entitled 'Shio Survived So Get Ready For ~Kill All Humanity PART TWO~ LOL'.

In case it's not fully legible, Brown's shirt reads 'I went to another universe and all I stole was my *awesome kid* (and 50 thousand dollars) ... (and a car)'. Meanwhile, Green's 'Slutstomper' gauges are in reference to an absolutely raunchy electropop band from Shio's ex-universe. Red's shirt will be revealed in the next photo, and I can assure you, he does not understand what it means the way Green and Brown do, and it was all Green's idea because he just has, you know. So much class.

'I can't believe my son can lift and carry all three of his parents like it's nothing now. I'm so mad, yet I couldn't be prouder.' People who knew Shio before they got reset tried to warn you that they were an Absolute Unit, Brown, but you didn't listen. This is what happens when you don't listen. 23 years later, you wind up with an adoptive son who can easily pick up not just you, but both of your boyfriends along with you.

Has Shio gone back for another visit to their old universe with Brown by now to fake going on a Kill All Humans crusade for the sake of causing more mass panic? ...Maybe. Did they trick Devon into letting them borrow one of his ships for this endeavor? ...Possibly. Did Red end up so furious that he made both of them do three months of community service to make up for it afterward, and banned them from letting Green go along to help them properly socialize? Well, yes - absolutely yes, in fact - but to be fair, they both knew Green would have spent most of his time there being a slutty menace and flirting with everyone, anyway, and neither of them wanted to have to deal with that. They were already being punished as it was (by having to help a bunch of needy people with a smile), so, no need to make it worse for themselves.

Brown's 'Stabby Babby' shirt definitely features an angry baby holding a knife on it, but Shio's arms are in the way because he's Just That Massive. Also, I apologize for Green and Brown (but mostly myself) for allowing that Pupknot shirt to exist on poor innocent Red. In Shio's defense, he has crafted a very solid mental block around what the joke is and thus Also does not understand what it means. And in my own defense, after coming up with two other puppyfied metal band names, how could I resist the horrible joke that would come out of doing the same to Slipknot? (Okay, that's less of a defense and more of an outright admission of guilt.) As for Green's decals and patches, if anyone wants to see the full-size versions of them for whatever reason, let me know, because I put an absurd amount of work into them, and I want a reason beyond my own fragile artist ego to compile them all into a single cohesive image. Also, in regards to the 'VB' on Green's gauges and one of his patches, it stands for 'Video Bois', which is sort of an AU-canon term for their polycule (video cables = RGB = Red, Green, Brown).

Oh, wait, what's that eldritch creature way off in the background, you ask?

...

Don't worry about it. :)