#i have no intention or energy to follow through on any ideation

[luxlightly]

Drawing steps

Step 1: try to draw

Step 2: fail to draw

Step 3: 10-30 of the most intense, violent anger, self loathing and impulse to break things and/or self harm ever felt by mankind

Step 4: anywhere between a few hours to a few weeks of depression and suicidal ideation, occasionally going back to extreme self loathing and anger

Step 5: wait until the temptation to try again grows too strong to resist and go back to step 1

( at least this time my anger and frustration was slightly less aimed at myself and more outwardly aimed at fate. So i guess that's progress. We'll see how long step 4 lasts. In the meantime I'll be face down in bed listening to "please please please let me get what I want" by the Smiths when it doesn't make me want to kill myself too strongly)

[reneejuliet]

Badbye

Author: reneejuliet

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader (sort of)

Rating: M (cursing, brief smut)

Word Count: 2,115

Genre: Angst, Soulmate AU, Idol AU (lolololololol)

Author’s Note: This is posting late - I’m sorry! But here is a snippet for Namjoon. It is HEAVY on the angst - PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS. This was an idea I had for a soulmate AU with Namjoon, and this is a taste of the darkest part of it. I may one day expand this, but it’s hard to delve into the theme that powers this idea so I can’t say for sure. Regardless, I do hope you enjoy it!

Warnings: DARK THEMES - depression, suicidal ideation/intention (not expressly stated but heavily implied), self-loathing, smut in form of brief sexual intercourse (MxF), unhealthy coping mechanisms, cursing, rejection, unrequited love, so many italics (I’m so sorry). Please read at your discretion.

The apartment was dark, illuminated only by the sliver of moonlight that peeked through the clouds just outside your window. Behind you, the glow of the opened refrigerator bathed you in fluorescence. Its faint chill crept up over your bare legs, shivering down your spine. At least, you told yourself it was from the cold.

It couldn’t have anything to do with what you were about to do. It couldn’t, because you didn’t have the capacity to feel remorse. You didn’t have the capacity to feel much of anything anymore. Not after…

No.

Your eyes shut against the unbidden memory that rose up like bile in your throat. The woman splayed out beneath him, whose eyes you saw through. Her pretty face scrunched up in pleasure, naked breasts bouncing from the force with which he thrust into her. The moans that tore from her throat and how they harmonized with the low, guttural grunts he contributed. The slapping of flesh on flesh, squelching of fluids, his name whined out into the darkness –

Namjoon.

You turned toward your sink just in time to vomit into its basin, your pathetic excuse for dinner regurgitated into an acidic mess. Hot tears burned in your eyes as you coughed, spluttered, and spat until there was nothing left. Until your stomach was a twisting mess, and you were spent of the energy to keep back the sob that wracked through you.

The only thing that kept you grounded was the burn against the curve of your thumb. Through your tears, your eyes focused in on that godforsaken name. It had been nothing but a curse on you since the day it appeared on your skin.

Kim Namjoon.

There was a time that the name had felt like a blessing, however short-lived it had been. When it first incinerated into your flesh, leaving behind the ashen shape of his name, the tears in your eyes had been joyous. Your fingers had stroked over the curves of every letter, fondness for this stranger you were destined to spend the rest of your life with blooming out of your chest into every crevice of your body. You felt warm, whole.

Until the phantom pain of your own name appearing on his wrist burned into you, solidifying your connection. And instead of happiness, or surprise, the cold, heavy sense of dread had sunk onto your shoulders. Disappointment wrapped around your heart, chasing away any previous euphoria. So strong was his feeling of misfortune that you didn’t just sense it – no, you felt it as your own. Soon, your tears rained for an entirely different reason.

Your soulmate didn’t want you.

It wasn’t unheard of. Many people who didn’t believe in destiny, in fate, disavowed their soulmate. It was an aspect of life they didn’t get a say in, after all. Of course they would rebuke the very idea. You just hadn’t thought it would happen to you. You, who had only heard love stories of soulmates. Your own mother spoke of your father to this day with nothing but love and adoration, even if he had left her to a life of solitude with his untimely death. Sometimes, you’d catch her stroking the crook of her elbow where his name had once been, and even though her eyes were overwhelmingly sad, still. There was always, always love beneath.

Growing up, you would not come to know that sensation for yourself. Kim Namjoon was not a bad man – quite contrary, he was very capable of kindness, of affection, of love. Just not for you. The few times he would touch your name on his skin, you would shiver under the sensation of disgust he held for it. For you. Every time you tried to reason that he didn’t even know you – that maybe, once he met you and actually got to know you, things would change – your heart would seize in a cold vice until it left you sobbing. Because you knew, with the certainty that only a soulmate connection could give you, that Namjoon would never change his stance. Not on this.

Not on you.

So you’d grown cold, distant. You didn’t acknowledge the occasional plucking on your bond that was triggered by intense emotions felt by your soulmate. If he didn’t want you, then you saw no point in putting any effort in yourself. It hollowed you out, but you figured that was for the best. The less you felt, the less it would hurt when he ultimately rejected you.

That day would come over a decade later, on perhaps the least suspecting of days. You had taken your niece to this concert she had been dying to go to, but your sister and her husband had been unable to accommodate. Ever the loving aunt, you had offered to take her in their stead. She’d been so excited, hugging her worn plushie to her chest while you stood in line for the fan meet, bouncing on her heels. She had been spouting nonsense to you about the members of this group, none of which you really cared to know. You didn’t stay up to date on current music trends. But you couldn’t deny the glowing in your niece’s eyes, nor the fondness it trickled out of your heart. It was one of the only things you had come to let yourself feel, after all.

And it would be your undoing.

Because taking your niece to the fan meet meant you also had to participate. You took your place before each member, grasping their hand and offering up vague niceties until it was time to move on to the next. Until you reached him. The second your fingers brushed his wrist and his, the curve of your thumb, a sense akin to lightning shook through your entire being. Your eyes shot up to meet the dark expanse that was Kim Namjoon, lit up in his own surprise.

“You.”

It hadn’t sounded particularly rude or disenchanted, but all you could feel was that chilling sense of dread that had suffocated you in your tears all those years ago. His touch sparked memories of every time he had felt your name and with it, each synonym for annoyed and burdened that you kindled within him. It cut you to your core, because he was so devastatingly handsome. In any other circumstance, you would have felt so incredibly lucky.

Instead, you felt like you were going to be sick.

You had rushed out of that room, throwing yourself through the doors and into the hall. A few straggling fans had turned at the sudden intrusion, but they did not linger upon seeing your distraught condition. Your hand was tangled so tightly in your sweater that your knuckles blanched and you gasped for air like you were dying. Deep down, it almost felt like you were. This was supposed to be the happiest moment of your life, meeting your soulmate, and instead you were collapsing under the sheer panic of it.

The doors had flung open behind you just moments later. Through them came the frazzled figure of Kim Namjoon himself, clutching the shoulder of your very confused niece. They walked closer, your niece looking between you and Namjoon before she sidled up under your arm. Namjoon, meanwhile, stared at you with wide eyes.

Forcing your gaze to remain on your niece, you slipped her small hand into yours and urged her quickly down the hall. She obliged, but hesitantly. Then you heard the footsteps following.

“Wait! Please!”

Your body betrayed you, shocked completely still at the sound of his voice. It was deep, and smooth. It was the honey in your tea, the caffeine in your veins. Goosebumps prickled your skin and you rubbed at your arms to dissipate them. This wasn’t fair, that he had his effect on you. He didn’t want you, he didn’t –

“Y/N!”

The sound of your name in his voice all but stopped your heart and you slapped a hand over your mouth to cover your sob. Tears sprung in your eyes and you squeezed them shut, turning your head away. Every nerve in your body trembled in the silence of that hall as he neared you, blood thrumming in your veins at the proximity.

This wasn’t fair.

Namjoon stood before you, just a couple steps away. He couldn’t help the way his chest heaved when he followed you, as if you had taken the very air from his lungs. He couldn’t even find it in himself to care about the scene he had left in his wake by his impulsive departure. All that had mattered was getting to you.

He hated it.

So he had used the ruse of returning the little girl you had left in your own hasty retreat, guiding her alongside him as they ducked through security and out the exit doors. And there you were, looking a complete mess. Because of him.

He had meant to speak, to say something to you, but you never gave him the chance. “Don’t,” you almost shouted the moment he had opened his mouth. “You don’t need to explain. I get it, okay?”

“Wait. Get what? I don’t –“

Your grip tightened on your niece and she had whined in protest, but she was the only thing keeping you from bolting. “You don’t want me,” you blurted. “You don’t want a soulmate. I know, okay?”

He had stood so still, he could have been a statue. He wouldn’t be completely out of place in a museum, you noted. You hated that you noted.

“I… I don’t – I mean, I never said –“

“You didn’t have to say it,” you cut off, far from caring if you came across rude. “I could feel it.”

Namjoon’s neck and cheeks had flushed, and he had brought a hand up to muss his hair. His eyes cast downward with a glint of shame, because Kim Namjoon was not a bad man. You hated him for it.

“Ahah,” he cleared his throat, cheeks burning red now. “I… I didn’t mean…”

“I know what you meant.” Your voice was devoid of emotion. Of anything, really. It didn’t sit well with Namjoon and he shifted uncomfortably. But that was hardly your concern.

“Listen, can we just –“

“But hey, it’s okay, you know?” You didn’t give him a chance to talk – didn’t give him a chance to confirm everything you had felt over the past so many years. To hear it aloud would quite possibly break you. “We’re even.”

Namjoon looked at you, confused. The empty stare he found waiting for him sent shivers down his spine.

“Even?”

You nodded imperceptibly, gathering your niece in your arms and steering her toward the end of the hall. “Yeah. You don’t want a soulmate, and I don’t want a soulmate who doesn’t want me. Even.”

You left that hallway without giving Namjoon a chance to say anything more. Once the concert began, your niece seemed to forget whatever troubles had happened and you tried your best to enjoy her happiness. Thankfully, your seats were far enough away that you didn’t have to worry about any awkward eye contact with Namjoon, and you purposely did not look at the stage any more than you had to. When you left the venue that night, you fully intended to have nothing more to do with your reluctant soulmate.

But because the world clearly has it out for you, things didn’t exactly go as planned. The soulmate bond is hard to ignore, especially once contact has been made. You began running into Namjoon at more and more impossible situations, until he finally trapped you into a conversation. And, exhausted from fighting fate, you conceded.

Namjoon didn’t want to hurt you. It was painfully obvious just how sweet he actually was. He just didn’t believe in fate, and that left no room for a soulmate. But there was nothing saying you couldn’t be friends, right?

Nothing, except the gaping hole he left in your heart every time he came and went. Nothing, except the overwhelmingly sickening urge you had to respond to every text he sent. Nothing, except the little pieces of you he took each time he left until there was hardly anything left.

It was just so easy to love him, despite how you tried not to. Despite how he didn’t love you back.

The water rinsed the last of your vomit down the drain and you wiped away the sheen of tears clinging to your lashes. The apartment fell silent again. You moved back over to the island, sniffling away the last traces of sadness. After this, you wouldn’t need it anymore.

I’m so sorry it’s so depressing! 

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@jin-fizz​ @fangirls94​

©reneejuliet 2021. No part of this material may be copied, photocopied, reproduced, reposted, or translated without consent.

[aroworlds]

Those With More, Part One

When Mara Hill's magic results in her brother's impossible, wondrous transition, of course Suki wants to know how she did it! What if Sirenne's magic workers can help others find euphoria? What if this magic can heal Suki's hands—or at least lessen her pain? But Mara, distrustful of priests after their failure in protecting Esher, won't share her power.

A senior priest must bear responsibility, but Suki suspects her problems lie deeper than lack of oversight, and her reluctance to discuss her aromanticism with a woman who needs support only proves it. Would she have preserved Mara's faith and Esher's health if she hadn't first avoided revealing herself to her aromantic kin? If she'd faced their expectations that she shoulder their pain and grief as well as her own?

Suki has lived her life by the Sojourner's second precept, but how does she serve when she doesn't have more to give—and never will?

Contains: A disabled, non-partnering allo-aro woman struggling with the expectations of her young, fledgling aromantic community; an autistic, aromantic priest reconsidering their expectations of their community's leader; and an allo-aro woman in need of support as she struggles with her non-partnering, aro-ace brother's illness. 

Content Advisory: Please expect many references to or depictions of aro antagonism, allo-aro antagonism, amatonormativity, familial abuse, mental illness, suicidal ideation, death, gender dysphoria, chronic pain, ableism and ageism. This piece contains non-detailed, non-specific reference to a character's past suicide attempts. 

Length: 4, 409 words (part one of two). 

Note: This is the last story in my Suki mini-series, but it refers to characters introduced in The Sorcerous Compendium of Postmortem Query and is best read following the stand-alone story What Makes Us Human. You can find links to all on my pinned post or on this Tumblr master post.

Non-romantic love, to Suki, serves a similar role as the Sojourner or any other god: a fine concept in theory, but while she respects others’ need for a guiding framework, she can only nod vaguely at love’s existence.

***

They talk in a west-facing corner of the inner gardens, the sun edging towards the valley’s cradling ridgelines. Suki sits with careful stillness, resting her bony wrists and fingers in her lap. Her companion, Mara Hill, twirls a lock of dark hair around her finger with the ease of a woman unaware of her movements’ toll. Few people reach the ends of their lives untouched by disability, but Suki still aches to watch others take their youthful ability for granted … even if Mara’s restless fidgeting suggests anxiety as much as mind-type.

Suki was an artist once, albeit not the kind of craftswoman draped in the world’s renown. She built wonder from bare ingredients. She made the needed and the practical from scraps of thread and fabric. She took her hands’ ability to knead and shape for granted, revelling in others’ appreciation, until the pain built to a degree even she couldn’t deny. Given the option, she’ll always sit in her garden with her knitting needles or workbasket, making.

She can’t reconcile herself to hours spent halting her fingers and wrists in too-often-futile hope of preserving later use.

“Must I explain, one trans woman to another, why we want this?” Suki works to ease her voice, to sound possessed of patience and released of jealousy. “We … dabble, in spells and medicines, parlour tricks to lessen anguish, but this … it can be freedom. When wrought correctly.”

Now, Suki sees little sense in seeking such a transition: she’s had time to forge an accord with her body and gender. If said accord holds a touch of the defiant, rebellion nonetheless sheltered her through aching moments of feeling her body less hers than a chafing suit she’ll endure for this life. Gender, though, only began the war of Suki’s selfhood separating from her own blood and breath, and it long ago won second place on her list of impossible wishes.

What if Mara’s magic can do more than change a body’s sexual characteristics?

What if it can ease Suki’s hands, heal her knees, return to her the gift of unthinking movement?

Mara shifts her hands to twist the untied lace dangling from her bodice. She’s a handsome woman: tall and long-limbed, her cheekbones sharp enough to slice hard cheese. Full lips, wide skirts and a waist-length sable braid soften the flat planes of her face, shoulders and hips. Suki can’t call Mara beautiful, but she may have used the word “ethereal” if Mara didn’t also bare her haphazard humanity: hair falling out of its pins, scores of grass stains marking her petticoats, a waistcoat absent any matching buttons, a dress ten years out of style knotted up to bare clashing stockings and scuffed boots. Life with Mara, Suki suspects, is no small amount interesting, but one needn’t fear from her airs or pretentiousness.

This conversation, regardless, comes none the easier.

“I know you understand,” Suki says, attempting a beseeching gentleness. “How can’t you?”

“It’s a secret.” Mara stares at Suki with a distressingly direct gaze, as though hoping to emphasise her sincerity through eye contact. “Handed down from witch to witch. I’ve sworn oaths to the living and the dead. I can’t. And I won’t.”

Mara Hill is also a terrible liar.

“You insist this isn’t sorcery. It’s witchcraft—a type of magic that can be taught! Why, then, can’t you teach us? Can’t you imagine what we could do, if we could study and understand it?”

Just as Suki regrets such desperation-fuelled bluntness, flashes of brown, red and grey show through the eucalypts and fern-encrusted rockery dividing the outer garden from an interior courtyard. Only two other people in Sirenne stand tall enough to be seen over said wall of rocks, and neither looks towards her. Moll, their face set in their accustomed expressionlessness and their iron-grey hair scraped back in a braid, walks close by their companion: a man with Mara’s cheekbones, his gaze distant and his face cavernous. While health warms her sienna skin, even when moistened by anxiety and dappled sunshine, his sallow complexion provokes no kind adjectives.

Esher Hill is the gaunt, walking embodiment of the nightmare Sirenne’s priests struggle to dispel when discussing medicines and spells—a man who appears drugged and ensorcelled into a puppet-like lifelessness, a state absent all vitality.

His sister caused, provoked or necessitated most of it.

Most.

Like too many guests, Mara brought her brother to the monastery when absent solutions in her home village’s offerings of lay priests, physicians, magic workers and well-meaning family members—a last, desperate resort. Esher wasn’t happy or healthy, but he had muscle and energy enough that Suki decided his taciturnity somewhat intentional. He stopped to pet Sirenne’s horses; he allowed their cats to settle on his lap. He scowled when faced with chattering acolytes. He reacted.

Mara’s power stripped his bones of flesh and tissue in the quest to craft him an almost-cis body. New organs, somehow, grew; others withered and sloughed away like an unused cocoon. Such impossibility should be a miracle, but can one fairly call a tempest that devoured his body and hammered his mind miraculous?

What if, though, this transition becomes a goal identified and worked towards with desire, preparation and consent? What if a patient understands what lies ahead? Can one then cope with magic’s trauma, a difficult moment endured in travelling a chosen road? Or what if they narrow the scope to one change, one part of the body?

Will she then see a butterfly, bloodied but eager to take flight?

Will she then be able to live her last years still wielding her pastry brushes and knitting needles?

“It’s dangerous!” Mara follows Suki’s gaze towards the rockery, her lips pressed together in pale, thin lines. “Can’t you see that? Shouldn’t you?” Her husky voice sharpens like a blade on a grindstone. “And what makes you think I should trust you with it? Or would?”

Suki bites her lip while counting backwards from ten. Her tongue runs to tart even when voicing second and third thoughts, and she fears she offers little sympathy when she finds something worth speaking: “But less dangerous in better circumstances? If he knew, was prepared, agreed, expected…”

If a witch doesn’t work her magic behind the priests’ backs, but that’s less Mara’s fault than Sirenne’s.

The question remains: if a witch fears dysphoria's ache the cause of her brother’s depression, why didn’t she offer this magical transition weeks or months earlier? Why didn’t she gain Esher’s prior agreement and approval? Why did Mara bother to take him to a monastery? That she wrought this after Sirenne’s failures dashes Suki’s hopes: Mara’s supposed witchcraft is sorcery, unpredictable and unreachable. Nothing more than a panicked, desperate deal made with demons, a grave power Sirenne can’t replicate ... even should a priest be fortunate enough to make the same bargain with the same brace of demons.

If demons routinely offered such vast power, how many trans people wouldn’t sell their soul for a body suiting their nature?

“Prepare? After you made me—” Mara’s voice cracks like thick, shadowed frost under morning’s first footstep. “If there were anywhere else, if I thought … we wouldn’t be here!”

Suki shifts in her chair, her hands and feet aching as though a purple-black bruise engulfs her joints. Is it a wild, ridiculous joke that her body throbs as if beaten while showing no wound to draw sympathy? Why must a black eye or nasty scrape provoke sorrow while injuries or illnesses unable to heal garner, at best, a mute acceptance? Why do people following the Sojourner’s path lack comprehension in the second precept’s broadness? Why must a priest spend her day asking questions lacking comforting answers?

Because Amadi’s ideal became her god: question.

Mara’s desperation, too, deserves an answer.

“We failed,” Suki says, her own throat roughening. “We failed to serve Esher’s needs. A man who has too long had those needs unmet, and believes he has failed in even wishing his needs met, reacted to this lack in despair. There’s nothing irrational in that.” She wants to smile, because she can’t not know the rationality behind such a conclusion, but Mara won’t understand. She doesn’t know about Mama Lewis. “We went over our changes with you, for we can’t allow this to again happen. I ask you sincerely: are we now doing something inadequate? Are you unhappy with Moll or Thanh’s service? Within the limits of our resources and ability, what aren’t we doing that you think we should? How can we better help Esher? Help you?”

Suki didn’t assign Esher’s first priest. She didn’t speak or condone the words that gave him reason to lose the last shred of a trust abraded by too many authoritative people. She didn’t know why he needed consideration in the priest given to guide him; the unasked question wasn’t hers to speak. Ignorance, nonetheless, rings like an intimate, personal failure.

Not a failure Sirenne’s priests share as a collective whole.

A failure, terrible and tragic, in Suki.

Could she have tried harder to serve as an aromantic priest?

Mara purses her lips, her green skirt clenched in tight-knuckled hands. “He’s … always been. A little. But only in the last few years was he so distant, and I don’t think … he wasn’t bad like this until after the Thinning and Benjamin.”

Suki takes Mara’s non-answer as indication that, at least for the moment, she has no objection—and perhaps that’s a victory, but what good is winning when the war shouldn’t be fought? Suki sighs, shaking her head, as Moll and Esher move past the gap in the trees, vanishing behind canopy and granite outcrops. Only her garden, in its art-defying muddle of ferns, trees, mushrooms and bright-coloured orchids, remains—and while, ordinarily, such clashing shades appeal to her, today those greens and reds feel another mockery, a symbol and privilege undeserved.

Even when Moll gave her the opportunity to address her neglect, she took retreat in her brusque manner and authority, confident that a conscientious priest wouldn’t examine the shallowness of her answer. She offered reassurance, solved a problem, revealed herself in the most cursory of ways and fled with fears and feelings still buried within her aching bones.

Question.

If she considers god her ideal and Amadi’s ideal her god, why didn’t she?

“Benjamin is your partner, yes?” Suki shifts her left ankle, thinking even a circumlocutory attempt to build rapport better than another futile attempt at questioning. “May I ask what happened at the Thinning? You needn’t answer.”

Mara’s body softens, although she doesn’t ease her grip on the skirt. “Have you had … family, friends, come visiting? After they … pass?”

For all that belief in the Sojourner’s path embodies the human struggle to conceptualise, negotiate and accept death, hir followers still deal in euphemisms. Family come visiting. Bad like this. Suki, in the outspoken rebelliousness of a would-be priest, spent a year into her novitiate chanting “death, death, death” at her mirror before bed, just to prove that death isn’t a black-cloaked reaper summoned upon saying hir name.

Such boldness failed her, of course, when Mama Polly passed.

“There’s always spirits flickering about, but few speak.” Suki barks a hoarse laugh. “A man who desired me and told me that he’d never have broken his neck if I’d first wed him. Both my mothers. Mama Lewis talks too much.”

Such events aren’t for Suki as unusual an occurrence as they are for the non-necromantic laity, but the conversations between the returning dead and the priest who offered guidance on their paths through the life now history aren’t for outsiders. There’s always a few, often those who died in the last year and haven’t yet had their connections to this world stretch thin, who come back to speak rather than observe. Sometimes those spirits come burdened with regret and recrimination; sometimes they express gratitude or relief. Death, drawing closer with every breath, grants the living a night a year where one must look into hir shadow and fearlessly accept, even celebrate, hir company.

She’s none too fond of Mama Lewis’s bitter postmortem moaning, but a salt circle and poker at least puts paid to that nonsense.

Respecting the sacred covenant of life and death doesn’t mean tolerating abuse.

“Really?” Mara blinks, shaking her head. “She came to me, with other dead relatives and villagers—my Aunt Rosie. I think she knew I needed to talk to her. She told me that I don’t have to romantically love a girl to want or love a girl, and they told me all the ways they didn’t love, which made me feel that … I could talk to the woman I wanted. So I did.” A sweet warmth softens and curves her lips, but the speed with which Mara flattens them suggests she isn’t easy with smiling in current circumstances. “And we’re together, now. But Esh … he doesn’t want anyone, and that should be fine, but maybe … it wasn’t good for him to see me and Ben happy.”

She leans forwards, coughing, before wiping her palm on her skirt.

Suki clenches her hands, fighting to ease her expression before Mara catches her face. It rankles, to say the least, when someone happy in an intimate partnership—however non-romantic!—suggests that those without must be broken in their loneliness. How can she ignore the reflections of Mama Lewis, one shape of expected love or partnership replacing another in the same unyielding structures and assumptions? Mama Lewis cut and hewed the shape of Suki’s illnesses, not another’s possession of something she doesn’t want!

Non-romantic love, to Suki, serves a similar role as the Sojourner or any other god: a fine concept in theory, but while she respects others’ need for a guiding framework, she can only nod vaguely at love’s existence.

Anger, though, doesn’t explain the terror stiffening her body.

“Or after seeing you find a less-conventional form of the coupled happily-ever-after,” she says in a voice perilously close to “glacial”, “your kin and village increased their expectations that he should find the same?”

Mara stares, her lips parted as if in surprise or hurt. “I … Uncle Sascha would say that, I guess. So would the Fisher sisters.” She sighs, frowning. “I don’t know. Just that he got worse after Benjamin … right when I thought he’d get better, because Aunt Rosie said that we’re … real, human. Just a less-known ordinary. Even if we didn’t know the specific word before Moll said it.”

“Only your brother knows why,” Suki says in the mild, self-evident comment a guiding priest says to people having difficulty observing—or permitting themselves to observe—the truth before them. The mild, self-evident comment a priest, who doesn’t fear the direction of this conversation, may say to a guided guest. “So why bother yourself with if I didn’t non-romantically pair up with a girl, maybe he wouldn’t have tried to kill himself drivel? Can you go back in time to not pair up? No! Nor should you halt your life just in case it may be the reason!”

Mara’s half-raised eyebrows suggest that she doesn’t agree.

“Girl, the world tells you in so many ways that you shouldn’t non-romantically partner. After all that repetition, you’re inclined to find excuses to obey that! Keeping my brother from attempting suicide feels more reasonable to you than most puerile objections, but is this reasonable? Are you helping him by thinking this? Or are you obliging everyone who thinks you shouldn’t exist by undermining your partnership with misplaced guilt?”

She refrains from mentioning the insult in anyone’s assuming that depression must be provoked by the existence of someone else’s intimate partnership, as though such relationships are so fundamental one must sicken in witnessing another’s contentment! She refrains, unable to think of anything that doesn’t sound like an observation based in betraying knowledge. Shouldn’t they focus less, anyway, on Mara’s limited understanding of non-partnering people and more on the real issue at hand: her trying to craft another impossible?

Even if it means making herself the cause, Mara seems set on wishing together a world possessed of perfect assurance that her brother won’t again attempt suicide.

Sorcery is by far an easier art, but that’s no comforting truth.

Mara glances at Suki’s belt, as if in need of reassurance that she talks to a senior priest. “Are you, uh … well...”

“Am I what, girl? Don’t cluck!”

Mara swallows, stumbling over the word likely strange to her voice. “Aro … aromantic? Because you sound like…”

Aromantic.

A word in a book, discovered by accident.

A word feared, weighted down by her obligation and pain.

A word unsaid, a man nearly dying of its absence.

“Aromantic and allosexual. I like men for bedding. I don’t like partnerships.” Suki speaks with the casualness that shaped her words when speaking to a distressed priest in a vegetable garden, words said now as if they’ll make up for their silent past. Words said devoid of her terror. “I have enough of one with myself.”

She waits, wondering if Mara will subject her to the young, abled trick of past tense, as though sexuality must be Suki’s history and not her present or future. Something accessible only to the hale and young, presuming her sense of another’s sexual attractiveness withers along with her body? Or will Mara grimace, disgusted by the notion of an elderly, disabled woman whose sexuality hasn’t “decently” become distant memory?

She waits for the accusation: why didn’t you say this before?

“So you understand … why it’s … hard, to live unknowing who you are and what you want, what the words are?” Mara’s brow furrows, her hesitant speech giving way to a spurting rush of feeling: “That’s what Aunt Rosie gave us that night, but it came so late. I lived for so long not knowing, without a word, without knowing it an option! That it had a name! And that hurts, even now I have what I didn’t know I wanted or could want. For so long, I didn’t know! Maybe … that’s it, for Esh, the hurting? Or part of it? How can’t it be…?”

How old is she? Twenty-five? Thirty at most? One needn’t own precision in telling another’s age to know that Mara’s adulthood, outside of accident or illness, stands years distant from death’s shadow. Suki draws a sharp breath, fighting to swallow the tart, quill-bristled question clogging her throat: And when do you think I found the word, girl?

Amadi gifted her the other-shape-of-normal permissiveness, but ey died unknowing of the word describing them both.

Ey died, leaving her alone in a world where she feels outdated and unwanted, where everyone sharing in the known power of the word aromantic can’t comprehend her pain but expects her to, immediately and easily, carry theirs.

Mara needs her pain acknowledged, to have someone confirm that possession of a happy non-romantic partnership can’t and shouldn’t erase ignorance’s lingering hurts. Someone who acknowledges that such bruises are long in the fading but one can still build a life worth living. Someone who reflects understanding and the vital, powerful sense of aromantic siblinghood. Someone who can give what she needs and deserves.

Why must Suki provide it? Why not Moll? Why not anyone else?

“Yes.” She swallows, shifting her throbbing hands, fighting to keep the growl from claiming her voice. Another failure! “We all feel the … betrayal, the years lost to ignorance. Why didn’t I know? You’ll have times of hurting, of struggling, of wondering what could have been if your family knew, your friends, your neighbours. When something isn’t yet recognised or accepted, despite being extant and common … pain, for those of us ahead of that coming, isn’t optional. You aren’t alone in that.”

Suki isn’t gentle. Increased social permissiveness towards the crotchety manner discouraged in children and younger adults stands as one of age’s rare benefits. Mama Polly joked that Suki was set to be a grandmother while still a maiden, but Mama Lewis—curse her long-dead soul—didn’t laugh. Even after half a century gone, Suki can still recite her clipped lectures, delivered in the hope that decreased acidity and increased sweetness will help her daughter find the happiness packaged in a loving, romantic partnership.

Mama Lewis’s shade, returning for her once-yearly lecture, still hopes that her now-elderly daughter will soften enough to allow love into her heart.

It should amuse Suki that such gentleness is now demanded whenever she dares reveal herself as aromantic.

Mara nods, her lips pressed together, her jaw tight, her glistening eyes angled towards her lap.

“It could be part of your brother’s feelings. It could be something else. But this second-guessing of his motivations doesn’t help you or him!” Suki changes the subject for Mara’s sake: for a woman fighting to keep from breaking down before a near-stranger. “Where does this get you but exhaustion? You’re only going to chase your guesses around and around until you’re a dog barking at a rat behind a grate—only to finally spot a different rat gnawing on his brain, realise you’ve been barking at this one for no reason, and there’s actually a score of invisible rats feasting on his poor, bloody brain. Does this help you see those invisible rats? Does this barking help your health, girl?”

She absolutely, assuredly isn’t changing the subject because Suki fears the explosion of her own anger and hurt while discussing aromanticism.

Question. How can she?

Mara’s eyes meet Suki’s face in the bulging stare had by someone imagining rodents chewing on grey matter. “R—rats?”

“Chewing brain rats. You want pretty metaphors for a bloody illness? Don’t talk to a priest, then. Pretty metaphors leave people telling themselves depression isn’t illness, just something that can be shouted, shamed or pressured into abeyance. I don’t hold for that.” Suki sighs and attempts to ease Mara’s shock, hating her bluntness’ sharp, gleaming edges. Is she trying to hurt Mara, wounds delivered in return for those unintentionally given? “I know you want to help your brother. You’ll do more for him by asking what he needs, and listening to what he tells you even if it’s ‘nothing’, instead of chasing every rat in the hope they’re the ones eating him. There’s too many rats, girl! When he’s able to cope with your asking, ask. Leave handling the rats to us—because that’s what we’ll teach him.”

If only they’d thought to ensure Mara realised this before she attempted to bludgeon the rat labelled “dysphoria”, but who imagined a village witch owning such power or ability?

Mara nods: perhaps accepting such advice, perhaps planning to avoid future commentary on what she thinks provoked her brother’s attempt. Her silence is, though, more honest than immediate agreement. Better that than false approval or out-of-hand rejection, especially when she hasn’t agreed to a guiding relationship between priest and guest. Especially when Suki has already stepped further over that line than is wise for a priest struggling with herself! Anyway, hasn’t she gleaned enough to make a solid guess—that Mara sold her soul to purchase Esher’s transition? What more need they discuss?

She isn’t a powerful witch keeping her magic a solemn, oath-bound secret.

She’s a frightened sister doing everything she can to hold her brother into life.

Is that another rat set to gnaw on Esher’s brain? Is that, as much as distrust or fear of priestly reaction to sorcery, reason for her denial? Does she seek to keep this secret from Esher and the priests involved in his care to avoid making yet another rat? Does Moll realise this?

Is Mara all that different from Suki herself?

“I’m sorry that I can’t help you.” Mara stands and bows in the abrupt, jerking movements of a woman looking to leave before the conversation leads them anywhere uncomfortable—and Suki feels unreasonably relieved. “Thank you for your advice—and wisdom.” She hesitates, leaving Suki certain that “wisdom” is nothing more than politeness. “I’m glad, I suppose, there’s more people like us here. Maybe … maybe that will help Esh, if things go better.”

“If you think a priest’s guidance may be useful for your own sake,” she says, falling back on well-worn script in the surety that her own words are far too confronting, “please know that our service extends to all. And I hope, one day, aromantics are so ordinary there’s no need to comment.”

Mild, facile, trite.

Her hands throb, and Suki fights to unclench them.

Mara’s face shutters. “You’ve more than enough work with Esh.”

She bows again and, in a frenetic, long-paced stride best described as “hurrying”, heads down the garden path towards the guest quarters.

Trust.

Can she blame Mara for not trusting her when Suki has none to give?

She sighs and stares at her orchids, at the stone rising behind the tangle of shrub and ivy, at the blue-tinged mushrooms threatening to take over the lawn, at the green grass beneath her chair and the cloudless sky overhead. She stares at the rocks and leaves of her sanctuary, thinking about Mara, thinking about Mamas Lewis and Polly, thinking about the conversation with Moll in the vegetable garden, thinking about words unsaid and feelings concealed … but as the sun ebbs lower, she finds no course of action but the obvious.

Question.

Why has she, for so long, chosen avoidance over service? Why has she refused to face her pain, even while knowing the impact her absence has on others? If she preaches the sacred power in guiding another to a better road, why does she refuse another’s gift of the same? Will she leave this world as Mara is now? Or will she trust her own kin, her own ideals—the only god worth her wholehearted belief?

“Aziz!” Suki waves a hand at the acolyte reading on the lawn just out of non-shouting earshot. “Tell Moll that I’d like them to attend me here at their earliest convenience. Please have the kitchen arrange sweets for both of us and my afternoon tea.” She pauses, considering, as Aziz scrambles upright and straightens hir brown robe. “My shawl. And ask Thanh for an additional dose of my pain medicine. Thank you.”

Question.

If Moll is good enough for Esher Hill, they ought to be good enough for Suki of Sirenne.

[niflim]

headcanon: mental health, psyche, etc.

beneath the cut is both an explanation of dysthymia ( persistent depressive disorder ) in addition to major depressive episode, post - traumatic stress disorder and acquired brain injury via mako poisoning in the context of cloud’s life.

i hope to present this information in a completely analytical way, free of any perceived bias. so it is also my hope that you inform me if i have in any way misstepped. it’s not my intent to offend, merely to provide my view on what cloud experiences, which i understand can sometimes be a dangerous thing in today’s world. this is a long post, but i do hope that you at least give it a skim ! i apologize for the blockquotes, if i could’ve linked individual sections, i definitely would’ve.

dysthymia & major depressive disorder. cloud develops dysthymia during his childhood. i wouldn’t call it simply major depressive disorder because his behavior doesn’t occur for mere weeks at a time. it’s on a larger scale and persists for at least two years ( one year in children and adolescents ). most people would assume that any depressive disorder would cause someone to become, well, depressed. but the interesting thing about adolescents is that they are actually more prone to irritability than so - called ' depression ’. 

criterion as per the dsm - v ( taken verbatim ) is presented below:

‘ a. depressed mood for most of the day, for more days than not, as indicated by either subjective account or observation by others, for at least 2 years.

note: in children and adolescents, mood can be irritable and duration must be at least 1 year.

b. presence, while depressed, of two (or more) of the following:

poor appetite or overeating.

insomnia or hypersomnia.

low energy or fatigue.

low self-esteem.

poor concentration or difficulty making decisions.

feelings of hopelessness.

c. during the 2-year period (1 year for children or adolescents) of the disturbance, the individual has never been without the symptoms in criteria a and b for more than 2 months at a time.

d. criteria for a major depressive disorder may be continuously present for 2 years.

e. there has never been a manic episode or a hypomanic episode, and criteria have never been met for cyclothymic disorder.

f. the disturbance is not better explained by a persistent schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, delusional disorder, or other specified or unspecified schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorder.

g. the symptoms are not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or another medical condition (e.g. hypothyroidism).

h. the symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. ’

symptoms that apply: insomnia, low self - esteem, poor concentration / difficulty making decisions, feelings of hopelessness.

i’m going to be tackling this going down the list.

a. in cloud’s childhood, cloud comes off as fairly irritable, especially towards tifa’s friends. his lack of self - esteem showed itself in a heightened opinion of himself, as arrogance tends to. he decided he was better than the other kids, therefore he shouldn’t be bothered that he can’t hang out with them. this is relatively weak, admittedly, to what i will be discussing next. it’s only one symptom as opposed to the two required. 

b & c. the event that took place when he was nine and tifa was eight, after the death of her mother and the trip to mt. nibel, really hammers the point home. because of his perceived incitement of the expedition rather than his attempt to help tifa, he was met with the ire of the adults and dissuaded from talking to tifa. this introduces way more irritability in the form of cloud’s anger problem and inappropriate feelings of guilt that are associated with an episode of major depressive disorder.

according to an article published by the h.arvard medical school: 

‘ symptoms can grow into a full-blown episode of major depression. people with persistent depressive disorder have a greater-than-average chance of developing major depression. while major depression often occurs in episodes, persistent depressive disorder is defined as more constant, lasting for years ’.

at least, cloud experiences a major depressive episode ; at most, he develops the full - blown disorder. given that he’s been experiencing persistent depressive disorder with at least two points in his life where he has had a major depressive episode ( mt. nibel, failing to make it into soldier, during advent children ), i’d wager that the latter situation is the reality. 

d. since major depression disorder is chronic and tends to come in episodes during particularly taxing times, it can still be present when one is diagnosed with dysthymia. major depressive disorder comes with four additional symptoms: excessive guilt / feelings of worthlessness, s.uicide ideation, loss of interest, psychomotor agitation / r.etardation. cloud does indeed experience excessive guilt, as discussed above, and i would wager that he does go through a period where he has feelings of worthlessness and he definitely loses interest in making friends.

e, f, g. i wouldn’t classify cloud’s ‘ substance - related illness ’ / mako poisoning as grounds for a manic episode. nor does it cause substance - related depression ; this is merely the situation framing his contact with mako.

h. this condition causes a lot of issues in cloud’s social life as shown by his relationship to the other kids ( though it was in part due to their exclusivity ) and his easy - to - anger personality.

i believe that it is also worth noting that the aforementioned article also reveals that ‘ some people with persistent depressive disorder have experienced a major loss in childhood, such as the death of a parent ’. cloud went through the loss of a father at an early age, i headcanon around age 5 / 6, and growing up without a fatherly figure can be rough for a child. i know without a doubt that claudia could only do so much to make sure her son grew up fine. that is not to bring her down or any single mothers down, there is no doubt she loved her son dearly, but it still isn’t something that can be ignored. i’m sure cloud owes his open mind, kindness, and protective nature to her, and that is also something that made him vulnerable to the other kids’ teasing, leading cloud to become depressed and try to be tough and hide his emotions.

post - traumatic stress disorder. it goes without saying that cloud has experienced multiple traumatic experiences in his life. there’s the events at mt. nibel & tifa’s coma, the nibelheim incident, and zack’s death. so instead of proving the trauma that is undoubtedly there, i will instead be speaking of the symptoms that he experiences due to the disorder.

criterion as per the dsm - v ( taken verbatim ) is presented below:

a. exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways:

directly experiencing the traumatic event(s).

witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others.

learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. in cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent or accidental.

experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains: police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse).

note: criterion a4 does not apply to exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures, unless this exposure is work related.

b. presence of one (or more) of the following intrusion symptoms associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred:

recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event(s). note: in children older than 6 years, repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects of the traumatic event(s) are expressed.

recurrent distressing dreams in which the content and/or affect of the dream are related to the traumatic event(s). note: in children, there may be frightening dreams without recognizable content.

dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event(s) were recurring. (such reactions may occur on a continuum, with the most extreme expression being a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings.) note: in children, trauma-specific reenactment may occur in play.

intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s).

marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s).

c. persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by one or both of the following:

avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).

avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders (people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).

d. negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:

inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) (typically due to dissociative amnesia and not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs).

persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., “i am bad,” “no one can be trusted,” ‘the world is completely dangerous,” “my whole nervous system is permanently ruined”).

persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others.

persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).

markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.

feelings of detachment or estrangement from others.

persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings).

e. marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:

irritable behavior and angry outbursts (with little or no provocation) typically expressed as verbal or physical aggression toward people or objects.

reckless or self-destructive behavior.

hypervigilance.

exaggerated startle response.

problems with concentration.

sleep disturbance (e.g., difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless sleep).

f. duration of the disturbance (criteria b, c, d, and e) is more than 1 month.

g. the disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

h. the disturbance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., medication, alcohol) or another medical condition.

a. we’ve already established that cloud fits this criterion because he has the disorder.

b. cloud experiences intrusive or recurrent memories of the traumatic event (1) in addition to dreams that put him as a player in the burning of nibelheim. he usually takes zack’s role until his memory is restored (2). given that cloud has multiple instances in which sephiroth visits him in a vision while he is awake, there also some instances when they’re just that ... visions / flashbacks of his trauma outside of the influence that sephiroth holds on him (3). cloud experiences distress and pain whenever he’s visited by a vision of sephiroth or the mention of zack’s name (4, 5).

 c. though his behavior is certainly the closed off sort, he doesn’t avoid tifa. in fact, he is drawn to her as a survivor of the event and a supposed dear friend. he does, however, present himself as emotionally closed off, for the most part, save for some softer moments where he acts protective of his newfound friends (1, 2).

d. cloud definitely misremembers the events surrounding the nibelheim incident and zack’s death, instead becoming confused by the memories zack told him about and believing himself to be zack (1). cloud is instilled with the belief that despite now being a merc, he has to be the perfect soldier which would require him to be strong, resourceful, and careful with his emotions. he takes a no -  nonsense approach to life. this tends to fail (2). cloud feels somewhat responsible for tifa’s father’s death even in his false memories and, also, later feels responsible for zack’s death once he knows the truth. he feels that it is in some way his fault (3). cloud maintains a somewhat pissy attitude for the first half of the game, but, ultimately, this doesn’t entirely apply to him (4). cloud feels a diminished interest in being friends with tifa’s friends, especially after the incident that caused his initial trauma and feels even more separated and detached from them. this is also how he handles his initial interactions with the members of avalanche, though they eventually get through to him (5, 6). he’s emotionally closed off, as mentioned above, and is more prone to anger. but people who show him understanding and the praise / acceptance / acknowledgement he secretly wishes for, he cracks a smile.

e. he is easy to anger and gets into fights with the other kids after mt. nibel (1). cloud, somewhat recklessly, goes off to become a soldier. though not conditionally reckless, i do think it’s odd that simply trying to impress someone could push him to do something like that. maybe some part of him wanted to be more than he was, not just to earn tifa’s attention (2). cloud is very alert and aware of his surroundings. it’s in part battle instinct, in part training, in part trauma - induced (3). this one is hit or miss, it really depends (4). no problems with concentration, unless in the throes of a vision (5). we experience how restless cloud is in how easily he wakes up. when tifa knocks, when there’s the clone next door, when he’s at aerith’s house. he’s a light sleeper (6).

f. yes, it’s been more than a month.

g. this does cause social issues.

h. given that this condition was present before cloud’s mako poisoning, it is not the result of a substance. however, mako poisoning did make things worse.

acquired brain injury - mako poisoning. one of the causes of an abi happens to be poisoning compared to trauma caused by an impact or injury in the event of a traumatic brain injury. injuries of this sort can create permanent or temporary damage to one’s psyche --- cognitive, physical, emotional, or behavioral. this happens to cloud twice. given that he doesn’t necessarily recover from his mako poisoning entirely before falling in the lifestream again, his already active condition actually worsens. without zack’s stories to supplement his memories the second time, he completely loses himself and remains vegetative until tifa aids him in piecing together their shared past. it’s not all her, as cloud does have a hand in it, showing that he hasn’t completely lost himself, his mind is merely scrambled in a sort of dissociative amnesia that requires outside help to set right. this contributes to his depression and anger issues ( though, admittedly, they’ve diminished for the most part in his soldier state ). this also contributes to his memory loss. if anyone is curious, i can attempt to write more on this later !

sources: dsm - v, abi wiki ( the sources here checked out ), h.arvard health publishing.

[john-wickening]

Worn Down

AN: OKAY! We’re back! I originally wrote this fic last night when I was having a bad depression day. So you can only imagine how I felt when Tumblr.hell decided completely delete my only copy... Bro I was straight up pissed. But fear not! I rewrote this from memory in like two hours (while feeling better today, hurray!), and I actually think it came out better the second time! (so SUCK IT, Tumblr/my depression!)

So here it is, new and improved. 

Prompt: The reader has a depressive episode. John and his dog try to help.

Tw: depression, implied suicidal ideation

Word Count: 1814

I hadn’t realized I had sighed until the dog lifted his head to look at me.

I patted him on the head reassuringly. Didn’t want him to worry. He rested his head back down onto my thigh though his big eyes continued to look up at me. I smiled but it felt hollow.

Everything I did these days felt hollow.

I pressed my face back into the pillow and breathed in deeply. It still smelled faintly of detergent, but mostly it smelled musty. I had slept a lot in the last few days and yet I was still tired. My body felt wrong somehow, like the sleep didn’t really count. I had woken up hours ago but I couldn’t even muster up the energy to get out of bed.

I knew John would be home in a few hours and I should get dinner ready and the house tidied up, but I just couldn’t. He had texted me twice asking me how my day was going, but I couldn’t answer him. I was letting him down, I didn’t want to lie to him too.

How could I tell him that I felt so miserable, so numb, after all the sacrifices he made for me? For us?

I didn’t want to worry him either, but that required me getting out of bed and I was literally incapable of it at the moment.

I was utterly a wretched partner. I don’t deserve any of this.

I was tucked up in the bed I shared with the man who loved me, a man who understood me better than anyone else in my entire life. Our house was gorgeous. The life John and I built together, while complicated, was lovely. To top it all off, I had the sweetest, most loving little dog curled up by my side.

The fact that I could look down at his little face and still feel this way is how I knew I didn’t deserve any of it. What kind of ungrateful monster could feel anything but joy right now? How could I be so ungrateful, so lazy, so unsupportive of the people who love me?

When Meatball noticed I was staring, he perked up and his tail started wagging lazily. His big puppy dog eyes stared curiously at me.

I had no idea why, but that’s what pushed me over the edge. The damn dog.

When you’re miserable, your tears are hotter than normal. Why is that? What makes them so hot? Is it the pain?

The tears felt like molten lead as they seared paths down my cheeks. My eyes stung. Meatball crawled into my lap and licked at them as they fell down my chin. I wanted to push him away, but couldn’t find the strength, so I wrapped my arms around him and let it all go.

I cried like a child. My sobs echoed through the empty house. I thought of John and everything he had done for me, the sacrifices he had made. How perfect everything was and how much of a horrible person I was for feeling this way.

I didn’t deserve him.

After some time, Meatball started whining and I let him go, but he wouldn’t move away. I pushed him out of my lap, but he remained firmly by my side.

I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t keep going like this.

I threw my head back into the pillows and cried myself to sleep.

 -*-*-*-*-*

 I wasn’t sure what woke me, but I found myself drifting groggily back into consciousness. The sun shone behind the trees and I wracked my cotton-wool brain to try to remember whether it was supposed to be setting or rising.

I felt the bed next to me shift and I turned my head to look at Meatball.

He was staring intently at the ajar bedroom door, his tail stock still. I wondered what he was hearing— then I heard the car door close.

John was home. Shit.

Nothing was done. Dinner wasn’t made, the dishes from yesterday still sat unwashed in the sink, and the house was a mess. I hadn’t showered in two days and my mouth tasted foul.

I had let him down again. I had ruined everything.

The door to the garage opened and my heart sunk into my stomach. My name fell from his lips as he entered the house.

I felt my eyes start to sting again as I laid back down. My face felt tight and swollen and my eyes felt watery and puffy. I knew the second he looked at me, he would know I’d been crying.

I couldn’t face him. I was too much of a coward. Breaking down in front of the dog was bad enough, but losing it in front of John was a nightmare. I had no right to have him worry over me. I wasn’t worth it. I flipped over and buried my face into the pillow. 

He called my name again and Meatball barked from his spot next to me. Belatedly, I realized with surprise that the dog had not run to greet John and instead had stayed rooted by my side.

That confused me.

John said my name a third time and gently opened the bedroom door.

I had been with John long enough to know that pretending to be asleep was stupid. He always knew when I was awake.

“Hi, John,” I mumbled into the pillow. I heard him cross the room and the mattress sank with his weight as he sat beside me. He placed his large hand on my back.

“Sorry dinner isn’t done.” I mumbled, my guilt eating me alive. “And the dishes are dirty. And the house is a mess.  I just… couldn’t.”

All I could think was I am a terrible partner.

 His warm hand traced my spine

“That’s alright,” He said as he traced some unknown pattern into the shirt I wore—his shirt.

“I can make dinner tonight,” It was absolutely the wrong thing to say to me. My guilt quadrupled.

“You’ve had such a long day and I was too lazy to do anything. I’m so sorry, John,” my voice was full of water by the end of the sentence. I can’t believe I’d let him down like this. A beat passed and I held my breath.

I realized I didn’t know what I wanted from him— his disappointment or his silence.

He heaved a deep sigh and removed his hand from my back. My heart twisted in a sickening, painful glee. Maybe he had finally realized that I was too fucked up to deal with and was going to leave.

You don’t deserve him, a voice in my head kept repeating.

His shoes came off with a thunk, followed by the clatter of his gun as he set it on the dresser. Then came his tie, and his belt.

The bed next to me sank with his weight as he got in. Meatball huffed when John moved him aside, but relented.

I stiffened involuntarily as he reached out and pulled me against his chest.

Why was he still here? How was he not absolutely disgusted with me?

Once I was nestled against his chest, he pressed a kiss into my tangled hair. “I love you,” he murmured against my temple and it absolutely broke my heart.

The dam crumbled.

I completely broke down. I clung to the front of his shirt and cried like a child. He was muttering something into my hair, but the blood rushing in my ears and the sound of his heartbeat under my cheek drowned it out.

We stayed like that for a long time, long enough for the room to get dark. Eventually, I just ran out of tears. We laid there for a little longer as I tried to reconcile how empty I felt.

As I pulled away slightly, I realized with horror that the front of his very expensive shirt was coated in my tears and snot. A zip of guilt shot through me.

“I’m so sorry about your shirt,” I croaked out as I wiped my eyes. His calloused hand reached up and cupped my cheek. His thumb swiped away an errant tear.

“This is the least disgusting thing on it, probably,” he deadpanned and I couldn’t help the watery chuckle that escaped my lips. He met my eyes and pressed a chaste kiss to my lips.

“Have you eaten today?” He asked when he pulled away. I couldn’t get my throat to work so I shook my head.

“I’ll make dinner.” His voice was soft but firm. “Come with me. You can rest on the couch while I cook.”

I was too tired and worn down to argue with him, so I nodded.

He got up. I sat up to follow him out of the room but was shocked when he stooped down and picked me up. He was actually going to carry me to the couch?

I was possibly the worst, least supportive partner in the entire world, and he was treating me like this anyway? It didn’t make any sense.

“John—,” I started to ask, but the words died in my throat when his deep brown eyes met mine. A strand of his hair had fallen into his face and was just barely skimming a fresh cut. Dark shadows rimmed his eyes and a faint bruise was just starting to blossom at his temple. Despite his clear exhaustion, his eyes were infinitely warm and clear and fixated on my own. I felt like I was looking at the sunset for the first time. He was absolutely breathtaking.

The corners of his lips quirked at what must have been my dumbstruck expression.

“Yes?” He asked. I suddenly felt ashamed at what I was about to say. My eyes dropped to his chest.

“I’m sorry I’m like this.” He frowned at me.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” I didn’t quite believe him, but I did feel a little bit lighter anyways.

“You don’t… have to put up with this. You don’t deserve this.” I mumbled into his chest as I worried at the top buttons of his shirt.

He shushed me and pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

When we reached the living room, he gently lowered me to the couch. He grabbed my favorite blanket and draped it over my legs.

He knelt down beside the couch and grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I squeezed back.

“We’re going to get through this.” He said, and pressed a kiss to my hand. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

I still felt hollow, but I believed him. If he could make this effort, maybe there was something to hope for.

“I love you, John” I said simply. His smile crinkled the corners of his eyes.

“I love you too.”

[lionheartslowstart]

Snakes and Roses

I’ve been avoiding writing this post for a long time. (I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot recently.) I’m not sure why. I think maybe because writing it will force me to examine myself in ways I’m not totally comfortable with. I guess we’ll find out. To be clear, I’ve been sitting on this post since April 2nd, 2019, when I wrote a post called “Snakes and Lillies,” which was about Severus Snape and his many complexities. Snape is a character I have always loved and defended, and someone I talk about a lot. It was only a matter of time before I dedicated a blog entry to him. But it wasn’t until I reached the final paragraph where I had the realization of something I think I’ve always known deep down. I wrote, “He probably never knew what it meant to truly be happy.” And that’s when it hit me, one of the big reasons I love Snape so much is because...well, he reminds me of me. I see myself in him. I relate to him in ways that I’ve never related to other fictional characters before.

The reason this realization hit me in that specific moment, is because the idea of never knowing what it is to truly be happy is something I have thought about myself, even said about myself, to a select few. It’s why I was able to drum up that line so quickly in my writing - it was already there, in my subconscious.

I don’t like to think about my childhood. To be frank, I don’t like to think about much of my life before 2016-ish. I prefer to live in the fantasy world of my creation, that my entire life has been a fog and I’ve sort of “come to” as a fully formed adult. Obviously, that’s not a realistic way to live life, especially in terms of overcoming trauma and bettering yourself, so it’s something I’ve been tackling in the last year or so. I could write my entire life story here, but a) that would probably be the longest post I’ve ever written (and some of them are already pretty fucking long), and b) I don’t want to. But I will include some background information, so my readers can see the parallels I’ve drawn, and the deep connection I feel with Mr. Severus Snape.

In some ways, my childhood was very different from Snape's. In other ways, my childhood was incredibly similar. I didn’t grow up poor, and for that, I’m extremely thankful. My parents weren’t abusive, to each other or to me, and I’m extremely thankful for that as well. Obviously, these were two very important aspects of Snape’s origin story. But for me, it’s not so much the cause as it is the effect. I developed severe emotional problems at a very young age, five years old. I was suicidal, I had extreme outbursts, I was that “weird kid” (and then later I was that “fat, weird kid”), I was misunderstood, and I didn’t have the maturity or vocabulary to communicate my feelings and issues to those around me. As a result, despite having an otherwise loving home, I became isolated. I was isolated from my family, who didn't know how to help me, and who I often felt ganged up on me. I was isolated from my peers, who saw a sad little loner and decided the best course of action was to bully and ostracize me (because we all know that “different” equals “bad”). I was isolated from my teachers, who only saw me as a “problem child,” and who often blamed me for things that weren’t my fault, and who concluded that my outbursts were the result of behavioral problems as opposed to being in psychic pain. I was so lonely. I had two friends, but even they avoided me at school, as they had their own friends, and I, of course, was not invited to participate in that group. I spent most of my days alone, thinking my thoughts, concentrating on school, using my imagination, and generally giving off “sad boy energy.” As much as I try to ignore what I consider to be some of the most painful years of my life, I can’t deny that I am largely the person I am today because of my childhood. It’s my own origin story.

Obviously, I’m glossing over a lot here, specifically the details of my emotional problems and outbursts, but I’m sure you get the gist. So, this is something Snape and I had in common. We were both bullied and excluded, albeit for different reasons. We both felt alone and misunderstood. We also both tended to be reprimanded for our own actions, often driven by pain, but watched as others who hurt us went completely unpunished, or even unacknowledged. (For example, when Snape dropped the branch on Petunia, he was yelled at by Lily, but Lily didn’t scold Petunia for her disparaging comments against Snape.) Things also changed for both of us in our teenage years. For Snape, it appears to have changed earlier, around 11. For me, it took a little longer, more like 14. But in both cases, we suddenly found ourselves accepted for the first time in our young lives, treated like equals. As a result of this, we both became slightly haughtier, a bit superior, and on occasion, not very nice. 

This is where things begin to differ between the young Severus and myself, for a number of reasons. The first is that Snape was a follower, I was the leader. For the record, this wasn’t something I realized until I was an adult, but, indeed, I was the leader of my own little group. I was the one who brought everyone together, I was the one that many people looked up to, had feelings for, or wanted to be near. I wish I had appreciated it more at the time. Snape was more of a pack member, at least initially. It’s not clear who the leader was as he grew older. I’m sure Lucious Malfoy was the leader in the beginning, but he was a fifth year when Snape was a first year, so perhaps by his fourth year, Snape took his place. I’m not sure. However, I doubt it, because he was still mercilessly picked on by the Marauders and other classmates, who probably would have feared or respected him more if he had been the leader of the young Death Eaters. This leads to another difference, which is that Snape fell into a group of people who prided themselves on prejudiced ideations, and were in many ways bullies themselves, though Snape continued to be bullied as well. While I’ve certainly been ignorant, I’ve never espoused bigoted beliefs. I would also assert that I was never a bully per se, but I definitely spoke down to people and probably could have been much less selfish and bitchy than I was.

I mentioned earlier on that I often defend Snape, which is true. I have certainly had Snape-related conflicts with people, some more intense than others. About a year ago, around the time I posted “Snakes and Lillies” actually, I got into a heavy debate with a friend of a friend who maintained that Snape was a bad person who shouldn’t be celebrated in any capacity. No matter what I said, he remained unconvinced, and I walked away from that encounter feeling sour and angry. But why? Because it felt like a personal attack on my character. Everything my acquaintance said about Snape landed like he was saying it about me. I know he didn’t intention it that way, I’m sure he didn't even realize that’s how I was interpreting it. But when people tell me they think Snape is irredeemable, it feels like they’re saying I’M irredeemable.

Our lives may have gone on different paths, but I maintain that Severus Snape and I have the same, or very similar, core. We both grew up with a lot of pain and isolation. We both became embittered because of our respective childhoods, and that bitterness continued to follow us throughout our lives. We both experience a petty and vindictive pleasure when we are able to inflict suffering on those who have hurt us (though I’m sure he and I have very different ideas on who deserves it and who doesn't, as well as what levels of revenge are acceptable). We also both have the capacity for an incredibly deep and never-ending love, though most people never ever get to see it. We both have goodness in us that is often overlooked or minimized by others, who are too eager to see the bad things about us. And above all, as I said in my previous Snape-related post, neither of us has ever experienced a true and fulfilling happiness in our lives.

Of course, there is still hope for me, as I’m only in my mid-twenties, and have been doing a tremendous amount of work on myself, as well as in the interest of improving my life. Unfortunately, Snape did not have that opportunity, as his life was cut short in the midst of his mission. However, he was only in his late-thirties, and, had he been able to live, I like to believe he would have been able to begin the process of healing as well.

I’m finding it difficult to articulate why I feel so close to Severus Snape beyond what I’ve said already. Probably because they are feelings that are difficult for me to access. Snape was incredibly flawed, and so am I. Snape was incredibly broken, and so am I. Snape was, in my opinion, redeemable and overall a good person despite many of his questionable actions, which were largely the result of a miserable life. I feel similarly about myself.

I wonder how Snape’s life would have been different if the Harry Potter series took place today, in a climate where trauma and mental illness are more accepted, normalized, and discussed. Would he have been held accountable for his misdirected anger towards his students? Would he have been able to get the help he needed earlier on? What if he, as an adult, was shown more compassion and love? And I already know that many people might then ask, “What about Lily?” Yes, Lily showed Snape compassion and love. Lily cared deeply for Severus, and he was her best friend throughout her entire childhood. But when we are children, especially children who are in the midst of trauma, we don’t always recognize what love looks or feels like. This is something I relate to as well. There have been times when I was faced with real love, but due to the trauma I was still experiencing or working through, I did not truly see or appreciate it at the time. Sometimes, time needs to pass for us to be able to grow, mature, and make it through the trauma. We need to get to a place where we are able to look back and appreciate what we had, and to be able to heal and fully experience love in the present. Maybe, if someone had given Snape more affection and empathy as an adult, he would have been able to heal.

All I know is I find myself wishing I could reach through the pages of my books, or through my television screen, so I can wrap my arms around him and tell him he’s worthy of love, and there’s still time for him to heal and find happiness. Because, that’s what I’ve always wished people had done for me.

[blitzturtles]

[[Kliego. Bad Night. Can be read as platonic or shippy. I’ll post on Ao3 in a bit. Content warning for bits of suicidal ideation.]]

-

There are nights when he feels like putting his hands over his ears and screaming until his throat is raw and his voice hoarse. He knows it won’t make a difference. It won’t make them stop. He knows. He’s tried.

Some nights, it’s like competing against a jet engine, only he isn’t just standing next to the plane, it’s inside his head. He doesn’t understand why they always have to yell. He can’t make out the words when they’re all going at once. They’re nothing more than sound, and all he can do is scratch at his skin until the itch isn’t so bad. If only because it’s given way to pain instead.

Tonight, like many others, he contemplates the idea of joining them. He reminisces in his own misery. Recalls every instance that he’s made himself out to be more trouble than help. He knows his bad outweighs his good so many times over that he won’t ever see anything other than red.

His skin is on fire, yet his chewed up nails grant him no mercy. They have a mind of their own now. With a focus of keeping him locked in this personal hell.

Just as he thinks he won’t be able to find relief, calloused hands find his. The grip is firm. Enough to keep him from struggling too hard. He needs the pain. It’s the only thing that might be grounding him right now, but the pressure is as relentless as the voices.

“You’re going to upset Ben,” a familiar voice whispers.

Klaus snorts because he already has. All he ever does is upset. Inconvenience. Annoy. Taint. Ruin.

“I’m sorry,” he croaks out, but he’s not sorry for what he’s doing to Ben now. He’s sorry that Ben’s stuck with him in the first place.

“That’s…” Diego goes quiet for a moment. Thinking. Probably overthinking. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know,” Klaus whispers.

There’s the exterior silence that Klaus wishes reflected what goes on in his head at any given moment. He can’t imagine what it must actually be like. Dissociation, maybe. He’s heard silences can be comfortable, but he doesn’t think he believes it.

Diego shifts his hold so that he’s pulling Klaus against his chest, arms crossing over Klaus’ to keep him from scratching. The pressure is nice and awful all at once. Klaus wants to kick and scream until he lets go. Maybe until he leaves. Then he won’t have to feel guilty about what he does to himself, but Diego’s voice fills the air again. This time it’s so quiet Klaus has to focus to make sense of the words. It doesn’t help that they keep right on hollering, but he knows the song. Recognizes it as one Grace use to sing to them. Mostly Diego, though, not infrequently, she would sing it for Klaus as well.

Klaus closes his eyes and tries to imagine it. Diego, small and quiet, listening so intently to their mom’s voice, hanging on every word like he might never hear another. Klaus guesses that’s what happens when a kid gets cut off from the rest of the speaking world. He remembers feeling jealous once. Maybe he still is, though he knows it’s wrong.

He sags into Diego’s grip eventually. The fight is gone. He doesn’t have the energy to hurt himself anymore, and he certainly isn’t at risk of going out and doing anything stupid. All he wants to do is sleep.

Diego moves them until they’re both lying back against the wall. It can’t be comfortable for him, but he doesn’t stop singing. Instead, he disentangles one arm enough that he can run his fingers through Klaus’ hair with nails that graze at his scalp gently.

The darkness that follows is far from unpleasant, and he rests more easily knowing that Diego is there to drown the voices out if need be.

[murderallthethings]

Cognitive assessment.

bold all that apply to your muse’s current mental state; italicise any that apply to your muse’s past mental state — repost don’t reblog !

alcoholism: or alcohol use disorder ( AUD ), is a broad term for any drinking of alcohol that results in mental or physical health problems.

amnesia: a deficit in memory caused by brain damage, disease, or psychological trauma.

anxiety: a mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities.

appetite loss: a reduced desire to eat.

binge eating: a psychological illness characterized by frequently eating excessive amounts of food, often when not hungry.

co-dependence: dysfunctional and maldaptive relationship reliant on another person’s dependence on the affected individual.

cynicism: an inclination to believe that people are motivated purely by self interest ( skepticism ), or to question whether something will happen or whether it is worthwhile ( pessimism ).

defensiveness: the tendency to be sensitive to comments and criticism and to deny them. to constantly protect oneself from criticism, exposure of one’s shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the go.

depersonalization: a state in which one’s thoughts and feelings seem unreal or not belonging to oneself.

depression: a mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

derealisation: alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal.

devaluation: defence mechanism used when a person attributes themselves, an object, or another person as completely flawed, worthless, or as having exaggerated negative qualities.

displacement: an unconscious defense mechanism whereby the mind substitutes either a new aim or a new object or goals felt in their original form to be dangerous or unacceptable.

dissociation: is any state of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experiences, such as a disconnect from reality.

drug abuse: the extreme desire to obtain, and use, increasing amounts of one or more substances.

dysphoria: a state of unease, or generalized dissatisfaction with life.

emotional detachment: an inability to connect with others on an emotional level, as well as coping with anxiety by avoiding certain situations that trigger it; it is often described as “ emotional numbing ” or dissociation.

flashbacks: an involuntary recurrent memory, is a psychological phenomenon in which an individual has sudden, usually powerful, re-experiencing of a past experience or elements of said experience.

flat affect: a severe reduction in emotional expressiveness. they may not show the signs of normal emotion, perhaps may speak in a monotonous voice, have diminished facial expressions, and appear extremely apathetic.

guilt: a cognitive or emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realises — accurately or not — that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated a universal moral standard and bear significant responsibility for it.

hallucinations: an experience involving the apparent perception of something not present.

hyper-somnia: or excessive sleepiness, is a condition in which a person has trouble staying awake during the day.

hyper-vigilance: an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect activity.

hypochondria: ( also known as illness anxiety disorder ) is a condition in which a person is inordinately worried about having a serious illness.

idealisation: the action of regarding or representing something as perfect or better than reality.

insomnia: a sleep disorder where people have trouble sleeping. they may have difficulty falling asleep, or staying asleep as long as desired. insomnia is usually followed by daytime sleepiness, low energy, and a depressed mood.

intellectualization: a defense mechanism by which reasoning is used to block confrontation with an unconscious conflict and its associated emotional stress — where thinking is used to avoid feeling. it involves removing one’s self, emotionally, from a stressful event.

introjection: regarded as the process where the subject replicates in themselves behaviors, attributes, or other fragments of the surrounding world, especially of other subjects. cognate concepts include identification, incorporation, and internalization.

isolation: a defense mechanism in psychoanalytic theory characterized by individuals defending themselves from possible threats by mentally and physically isolating themselves. my minimizing associative connections with other thoughts, the threatening cognition is remembered less often and is less likely to affect self-esteem or the self concept.

low self esteem: a person with low self esteem feels unworthy, incapable, and incompetent.

narcissism: is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s own attributes. narcissistic personality disorder ( NPD ) is a personality disorder in which there is a long term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of understanding of other’s feelings.

night terrors: also known as a sleep terror, is a sleep disorder, causing feelings of terror or dread, and typically occurs during the first hours of stage three to four rapid eye movement ( nrem ) sleep.

obsessive compulsion: obsessive-compulsive disorder ( ocd ) is a common, chronic, and long — lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts ( obsessions ) and behaviors ( compulsions ) that they feel the urge to repeat over and over.

panic attacks: a sudden overwhelming feeling of acute and debilitating anxiety.

passive aggression: a tendency to engage in indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults, sullen behavior, stubbornness, or a deliberate failure to accomplish a required task.

paranoia: the irrational and persistent feeling that people are “ out to get you. ” the three main types of paranoia include paranoid personality disorder, delusional disorder, and paranoid schizophrenia.

phobias: an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something.

projection: psychological projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously employ in order to cope with difficult feelings or emotions. it involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than admitting to or dealing with the unwanted feelings.

psychosis: a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

rationalization: a defense mechanism in which controversial behaviors or feelings are justified and explained in a seemingly rational or logical manner to avoid the true explanation, and are made consciously tolerable — or even admirable and superior — by plausible means.

regression: a psychological defense mechanism in which a person abandons age — appropriate coping strategies in favor of earlier, more childlike patterns of behavior. this regression is a form of retreat, bringing back a time when the person feels safe and taken care of.

risky sex: risky sexual behavior is commonly defined as behavior that increases the probability of contracting sexually transmitted infections, diseases, becoming pregnant, or making a partner pregnant. drug use is associated with risky sexual behavior.

somatization: the manifestation of psychological distress by the presentation of bodily symptoms.

splitting: ( also called black — and — white thinking or all — or — nothing thinking ) is the failure in a person’s thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole.

sublimation: is a mature type of defense mechanism, in which socially unacceptable impulses or idealizations are unconsciously transformed into socially acceptable actions or behavior, possibly resulting in a long — term conversion of the initial impulse.

suicidal ideation: ( also known as suicidal thoughts ) is thinking about or an unusual preoccupation with suicide. the range of suicidal ideation varies from fleeting thoughts, to extensive thoughts, to detailed planning, roleplaying, and incomplete attempts.

sleepwalking: formally known as somnambulism, is a behavior disorder that originates during deep sleep and results in walking or performing other complex behaviors while asleep. it is more common in children than adults and is more likely to occur if a person is sleep deprived.

suppression: the act of stopping oneself from thinking or feeling something. it is generally assumed ineffective because even if you suppress or hold back an emotion, like anger, that feeling returns with a vengeance.

thousand yard stare: a phrase often used to describe the blank, unfocused gaze of soldiers who have become emotionally detached from the horrors around them. it is also sometimes used more generally to describe the look of dissociation among victims of other types of trauma.

triggers: something that sets of a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of their emotional trauma. triggers are very personal ; different things can trigger different people. the survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that they think triggered the flashback.

trust issues: a person with these kinds of thoughts may construct social barriers as a defense mechanism to ensure that trust is not lost again. these barriers are often a person’s way of avoid the pain, rejection, or guilt associated with mistrust.

violence: the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, which either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, underdevelopment, or deprivation.

temper: a reflection of irritation or rage, a propensity to be angered rapidly.

tagged by; no one

tagging; whoever wants to do the thing

[diamondsassessment]

Final Thoughts

1.  Which fork in the road would you take – craft or future? Why?

Before coming to any conclusions I feel it’s important to consider aspects of both craft and design future on a universal and personal level. To do that, it’s crucial to reflect on and examine what “craft” and “future” are, both fundamentally and through various definitions of my own and from others.

Craft through Don Norman’s perspective is the base expression of human creativity, beauty, and a continuation of tradition which was the basis for “future design” as we know it today. I’m inclined to agree with a majority of these conclusions, however I do not think craft is based solely around beauty.

Craft is an inevitable part of humanity and has throughout history been a means of self-expression, communication, an exploration of our own individual psyche and a critique on the world and society as a whole around us. Through ancient humans carving mammoth tusks, painting on cave walls, and the rise of fine art during the renaissance, and now with things like the Vivid Festival in Sydney, craft has evolved and moulded to each era of human history. This includes the advancements in technology throughout. There have been aspects of beauty in the form of the romantic era paintings, and more grotesque and candid pieces in contemporary art today that often explore not just craft but craft as a form of design.

For example, works by Patricia Piccinini, an Australian artist, often explore the monstrous side and the rapid evolution of humanity through shocking and uncomfortable to look at hyper realistic sculptures. This acts as personal self-expression, societal critique, and practice of craft as a mastery of various, often tangible, forms of skill. While some aspects of beauty can be found in Piccinini’s pieces, they are not the sole focus or intent.

Future design marries these concepts in craft with the rise of modern technology and problem solving, sometimes for humanities gain as a whole (green energy & design), but often with the motivator of profit in our current capitalistic society (think planned obsolescence design). Both future design and craft are intrinsically linked and while the path may split in a fork at each, they both come together later down the line.

I personally feel I’ll be taking the “future” design route, however I’m not sure I’ll ever let go of craft, either. As a creative I find self-expression in art and craft on an individual level, but simultaneously acknowledge the responsibility I have as a designer; thus I have a desire to make an impact on the world through positive and thoughtful means, largely in the form of media such as games and television, which marry both craft and future.

2.  What is the intent of design thinking?

Design thinking started out in the 1960s as an attempt to pick apart and contextualise the process of modern design. Turning it into more of a science to be harnessed than an art form. Renowned art director and current member of the Creative Cloud collective, Natasha Jen describes design thinking as a concept to be flawed and inaccurate; citing that it fails to highlight key processes in a designers’ work such as critique and reiteration.

“Design thinking packages a designer’s way of working for a non-designer audience by codifying their processes into a prescriptive, step-by-step approach to creative problem solving– claiming that it can be applied by anyone to any problem”

Design Thinking as described by many within academic circles is less a description or guide for other designers to follow and more a means to make the industry-standard design processes palatable to investors and outside individuals. The idea of design thinking appears to be largely commercial in concept and execution. This makes the intent and concept of design thinking as we chiefly know it quite a controversial abstraction between individual designers and modern industry; grossly oversimplifying complex processes often aimed at what can often be described as wicked problems.

Don Norman addresses this divide with his own definition of design thinking, likely as a means to redefine the process in a less corporate and more individual way geared towards designers themselves.

“It means stepping back from the immediate issue and taking a broader look. It requires systems thinking: realizing that any problem is part of larger whole, and that the solution is likely to require understanding the entire system. It requires deep immersion into the topic, often involving observation and analysis. Tests and frequent revisions can be components of the process. Sometimes this is done in groups: multidisciplinary teams who bring different forms of expertise to the problem.”

With this definition, design thinking has a far more human-centred intent, taking the corporate jargon of its original incarnation and pulling it into the forefront of human-based design and invention, acknowledging the diverse and ethical responsibility designers have in society today.

Design Thinking has many different concepts and definitions within the design and corporate world. Depending on these definitions and concepts, the intent of the term has seen many iterations and levels of ethicality, however it seems that human-centred design is becoming more and more prevalent when looking at design thinking as a whole between all definitions and intentions. Or maybe it’s corporations evolving to fit this more progressive mould coined by independent designers, for better or for worse.

3.  What are the key principles and methods used in this field of practice?

With the many varying and often contradictory definitions and ideas of what design thinking is, a majority of them at least have some processes and principles in common, many of which revolve around human-centred design.

Design thinking is defined by a set of key steps that encapsulate specific methods of the stages to design. Empathise, Define, ideate, prototype, test. Or discover, define, develop, deliver. Each stage of design thinking follows the process of researching a subject and the group or individuals affected through empathy mapping and industry driven interviews in user-centric ways. Often multiple problems and interdependent factors can be attained through this first stage of research, which then leads into defining the possible solutions using techniques such as persona mapping and pain points. There are no single solutions to major problems (wicked problems), however the second stage of defining usually identifies the degree of significance of each factor that can then be prioritised and dissected further.

This is often when circular design comes in: the practice of redesigning and redefining needs that had been previously met but could be improved upon or completely redesigned from the ground-up. An example of this would be with green energy or the ever-evolving technology all around us in our post-modern society. Through the develop and prototyping stages, systems thinking takes over and varying iterations of a design or product are refined through testing and criticism.

In the end this can hopefully result in a well defined and thought through design, however this isn’t always the case when factors such as an artificial, profit-driven time limit is implemented.

4.  How do you foresee design thinking becoming part of your own design practice?

As someone studying 3D design and animation, design thinking is already a large part of my own design practice. Many assessments and classes at university are structured in such a way where the various methods behind design thinking are natural steps in progression towards a finished product or piece. This assessment itself is putting design thinking into practice through researching, using a blog to finalise ideas, getting class feedback on said ideas, and then creating a final piece to reflect what we’ve learned as a whole.

Assessments like this one have influenced me as a designer to follow these methods outside of class work and into my own personal projects (from illustration, doll customising, to podcasting) through systems of planning that have almost become second nature at this point.

I don’t want to just be an animator or 3D generalist in the pipeline but I eventually want to be an art director. To conceptualise and take control of the bigger picture by exploring all visual aspects to a movie, show, or game that I can, all the while taking artistic and ethical input and inspiration from an entire team of individual artists around me. To do this, I need a strong grasp of many industry and creative concepts, which includes design thinking— both independent designer and corporate definitions.

Even if I were to never achieve this particular dream of being an art director, I would always end up playing a role in the design thinking process as a whole. If I’m making concept art, creating 3D models, storyboarding, or animating, I’ll be working towards the ideation, prototyping, and implementation stages of design thinking. I feel this is inevitable, especially in more industry and corporate environments and work.

Bibliography

https://jnd.org/the_future_of_design_when_you_come_to_a_fork_in_the_road_take_it/

https://jnd.org/design_thinking_a_useful_myth/

https://www.interaction-design.org/literature/article/design-thinking-get-a-quick-overview-of-the-history

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_raleGrTdUg

https://www.designweek.co.uk/issues/5-11-march-2018/pentagrams-natasha-jen-design-monster-unleash-fix-world/

https://www.circulardesignguide.com/

https://medium.com/pancentric-people/the-role-of-design-thinking-in-innovation-ba68a3d91683

https://www.slideshare.net/razsadeq/design-thinking-the-big-principles

[lecterly]

@inappropriatefangirlneeds i wanted 2 reply to your rb of my jim rant bc it’s interesting but the post is already so long i’m just gonna put it under this read more !

thanks for offering a second perspective! yeah, zsasz does seem to have a laissez faire arrangement with penguin re: murder. i think it’s supposed to parallel the ability of cops to ‘enforce’ the law by shooting/killing people who are immediately threatening someone’s safety, but obviously w a y more extreme haha. it’s not the moral high road, but i’d argue that the gcpd (jim especially) have killed quite a few people that didn’t deserve it or whose deaths were unavoidable. hell, the scene that introduces jim in 1.01 is him defusing a situation intelligently and averting disaster when all his fellow cops were ready to shoot the guy dead. if this was the same gordon in s4, i’d be much less harsh on him. i Loved s1 jim gordon. but fast forward three seasons and he’s, like, slaughtered people. frankly, i don’t think he’s fit for duty as an officer just because he’s magically right about everything - we’re gonna see next thursday that he’s also still suffering from suicidal ideation. my gripe is more with the show giving gordon free pass after free pass; i don’t think oswald’s way of running gotham is particularly amazing, just better than what the gcpd can currently offer. it’s not any kind of long-term solution, though oswald would like it to be.

- it’s definitely very strongly implied that penguin rounded up the most noxious offenders and either killed them, ran them out of gotham, or beat them down hard enough to make them submit. doesn’t make it right, but the way the gcpd is in this show, i’d wager half of them would end up dead anyway and the other half would get out of prison and go right back into crime. gotham seems like a more extreme version of baltimore and nyc in the 80s-90s: absolutely infested with everything from petty crime to gang violence. it’s sort of implied that it’s something specific about the city that draws this sort of chaos. the US justice system is a fucking dumpster fire and the gcpd reflects the worst of it. - my last line was more a tongue-in-cheek jab than a genuine statement of oswald’s standing compared to gordon. i don’t think jim is a good cop. he will have to go through significant character development to get there but the writers have apparently made him allergic to it. oswald, of course, would be a way worse cop in the literal sense. he’s corrupt, greedy, indiscriminately violent, and self-indulgent. it’s a dangerous combo, but like RLT said in the tribeca film interview, he cares for the city in his own messed up way and sometimes plans concocted with the most nefarious intentions just end up being better for the big picture. i meant it more in the sense of how the police are supposed to ‘protect and serve’, right now penguin is objectively doing a better job, though subjectively he’s a little weasel and every bit as bad as jim/worse. - it’s terrible for the city in the sense that penguin is essentially a dictator right now. he follows how a lot of dictators rise to power–they exploit a population’s weakness, build them up, there’s a time of peace (pax penguina), and then the ‘empire’ becomes so powerful it suffocates the city again. it cannot last, and i was 100% on board to see jim and the gcpd take them down, but they squandered that potential! how fun would a huge, collaborative effort through legal means that completely topples penguin’s empire like a game of jenga be? all the detectives, inspired by jim’s energy and rhetoric, doing sharp and tireless police work to bring penguin down the right way. i think that would’ve been way more satisfying than seeing jim’s desperate need to be gotham’s rambo in action again.

“The more I think about it I´m having a hard time to believe that most individuals actually would be fine with it.”

totally agree with this. the victims of penguin’s licensed crime wouldn’t stand for it for too long, and this natural restlessness would’ve been a great time for the gcpd to capitalize on. alas, jim the lone wolf, etc etc. imo, a lot of these inconsistencies are just a flaw of gotham’s writing. i’m trying to keep in mind that is all speculation based on the first episode of a 22-ep long season lol.

this is getting novel-length so i’ma stop soon, but speaking of inconsistencies... the picture you used to reference the murder licenses is different than the one i was looking at! and yet, it wasn’t?

this is the one i glanced at while ranting. it seems to be the exact same license, down to the serial number on the top right, but there’s no murder box? i’m not sure if this is a mistake but it, plus jim’s comment, led me to believe that murder isn’t yet legal with the exception of zsasz/penguin’s selection.

[weholdonforever]

SPPEIH.15

on relapse recovery

so. I self harmed on 12/26 and 1/2.  talked to my therapist about it yesterday.  one thing I realised in the midst of talking is that while I have a sketch of a plan to prevent myself from sliding into suicidal intent/ideation, I have no similar plan for recovery.  I thought I would take a stab at brainstorming something, getting a first flush of ideas out.

it seems completely obvious and almost redundant to say this, but when I get into the state of mind where I self harm or think of suicide, the little things I do for self care go out the window immediately.  food becomes functional, even repugnant.  I shower like a shoulder and don’t use any body care products.  I don’t care about what I wear, how I look.  my love of music retreats somewhere far away.  I don’t drink tea- I drink copious amounts of coffee.  life narrows to work, sleep, getting caffeinated enough to function, wash, rinse, repeat.  rebuilding those tiny rituals of self care that I had established since my last relapse collapse and I am at a loss as to how to get it back.

is the only thing time?  the passage of time?  allowing myself to be numb, and over the weeks slowly integrate the self care again?  I can’t think of a certain order that the self care emerges, if there is any at all.  I know that when I am well regulated on my medications, I enjoy food, I enjoy showers, I enjoy moisturising my super dry skin (last night I clawed at my legs until they bled).  I take care as to how I dress, how I present myself.  I drink tea and have a nightly ritual which allows me to relax and unwind from work.  I know that appreciation for music comes later, much later.

I sort of wish that there could be some kind of ten step programme I could follow to dig myself out of the energy drained hole.  But that is precisely the problem.  I only have enough energy to function, to carry out the most basic objectives which allow me to have an income, have health insurance, buy my meds, go to my doctor.  I don’t know how the energy trickles back into me to care about these little things like food and body.  It occurred to me the other day that my body carries a lot of pain.

I resented group therapy yesterday.  I’m not allowed to talk about self harm and suicidal ideation because they are considered contagious behaviours.  I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it in vague terms.  my only real contribution to the conversation was a completely off topic answer about ethics, the definitions of “good” and “bad.”  the moderators were good- they recognised that I was going off topic into completely not DBT related territory.  it was clear I was making others in the group uncomfortable too.  because I was challenging this older woman, who was saying that the concepts of good/bad are necessary to make judgments in the world, that a person bombing and killing people is bad.  I got into some sort of argument about the roots of her concept of badness was (human intent to harm others), to which I argued about how does she know exactly what human intent is.  I don’t know.  not my strongest argument.  not related to DBT.  the only parts I enjoyed were the meditative exercises.

I used to meditate.  the thing is, it takes a long time.  once you’re in that headspace, you don’t leave.  it’s hard to leave.  hours can go by.  and I don’t have the time for hours.  I know that meditation leaves me feeling refreshed and relaxed, swept clean.  I use a truncated form of meditation when I’m feeling ill and need to relieve the pain or ache.  fifteen minutes helps me get through the day.  but the deep meditation, the mind reaching a state of blankness- I don’t have those hours.  a part of me says that I need to make those hours for myself.  somehow carve out the time.

anyway.  relapse recovery.  one of the other things that I couldn’t talk about in group was this list of pros/cons to my actions.  my self harm is the alternative to a more drastic action- suicide.  it makes my vision tunnel and my entire focus is on the knife and blood, and the anguish is muted.  I like looking at the scars, I like seeing the physical manifestation of my depression and its effects.  my therapist pointed out that self harm often leads escalation in frequency and severity.  I can see that happening.  I can see myself cutting deeper and deeper because I need to see more and more blood.  I need the wounds to ache longer, I need the scars to become dark, scoring marks that can’t be mistaken for anything else.  in my list of pros/cons, acting on my impulse to self harm is a good thing- it helps me stay away from suicide.  there is the possible downside that I’ll cut too deep one day and bleed out.  but- death is what I wanted anyway.  if it’s an inadvertent consequence, so be it.  when I’m in that headspace, I might even be relieved.

the alternative is suicide.  the cons of suicide is that I’m dead.  the pros of suicide is that I’m dead.  there’s a girl in our group who abused drugs.  she’s clean and sober now for a month and a half- she revealed that her way of dealing with grief and anguish is to try to get high, just get lost in the pleasure and numbness drugs afford.  to me, they felt like the same impulse, just in opposite directions.  she seeks a high.  I seek a low.

my therapist tried to get me to think of self harm on its own, not as an alternative to suicide.  what are the pros/cons of engaging in self harm.  was surprisingly difficult to think of cons.  the first thing I thought of is that the cuts might get infected.  that’s all I had.  she asked about family, friends getting upset about my behaviour.  I acknowledged that it does hurt them, but frankly, I don’t care about the reactions of my family anymore.  my friends- my best friend of 13 years used to cut.  he knows the headspace.  he wishes I wouldn’t, but he also doesn’t blame me.  my other best friend tries to provide alternatives.  If they were my neighbours, if I could go to their houses when I feel the impulse to self harm, I know that they could bring me down.  but they are not there, so I make do.

my therapist asked me about support from family and friends.  honestly, the concept is foreign to me.  my mother relied on me for support, there was only so much support my younger sister could give- and it would have been unfair to her to try and shoulder my burdens, just like my mother did to me.  my father isolated me from my friends growing up.  I had to fight tooth and nail to be able to participate in drama club, and even then I was fearful of the consequences waiting for me at my father’s house.  I told my therapist that I’m used to isolation.  it’s the only thing I’ve known.  I have lots of memories of going to the bathroom at night (the only room in the house which locks), turning off the lights and hugging myself, crying.  I have memories of crying, breaking down in public when my father wasn’t there.  because in public, no one would approach, no one would try to make me feel worse, make me feel weak and vulnerable and utterly worthless for giving into my emotions, for giving in, for losing to my father.  if he could make me cry, it was his victory.  he did a lot to try to make me cry.  screaming terrible, cruel things and hurting him was better.

I’ve gotten off topic.  the point is, my therapist was trying to suggest ways I could avoid the downward spiral to self harm, or in the aftermath of self harm, how to recover.  honestly, I shot down every single suggestion.  a lot of them relied on having a support group nearby- which I don’t have, and don’t know how to build- besides which, I feel like I’ve gotten to the point where I prefer isolation because it’s the only thing I know.

my therapist asked me how a hypothetical partner would feel about my self harm.  I told her that if my partner were truly someone I loved and trusted, they would be able to talk me down.  or if I did self harm and continued to self harm and they asked me to stop, I would demand they also give up something of equal magnitude.  or if they saw me self harm- perhaps they wouldn’t condone it, but there would be no judgment, no condemnation.  they would understand.  a bit optimistic, really, all this talk about a hypothetical partner.

I have a feeling that the first step towards relapse recovery lies in food.  when I feel like shite, when I’m depressed, my appetite disappears.  I drink three cups of coffee, eat an apple, a granola bar, and that’s about it.  I think about going to a restaurant, but the idea of it repulses me.  I think about making myself food I like, but that also repulses me- to have to cook, even if it’s really basic cooking like throwing something in the microwave.  so perhaps I need to have on hand food that can be readily eaten without any preparation.  like.. cheese and crackers?  can’t stand the thought of cheese right now.  and crackers have gluten, and I’m pretty sure I have a mild gluten sensitivity.  I can’t really eat pasta anymore without some adverse effect on my body.  Slices of bread or cake seem to get by okay.  most meat is beyond me.  I’m terrible at cooking it and the thought of chicken or pork or beef makes my gut churn.

I like.. yoghurt.  I like granola.  I like bananas and peanut butter.  I like apples and peanut butter.  I like mixed salad greens- alfalfa and dandelion leaves and watercress and arugula and spinach.  hard to come by in a regular store, though.  I don’t like iceberg lettuce or romaine, and have to be in a specific mood for mixed greens.  I like ice cream, but usually can only get down four spoonfuls.  I like.. instant oatmeal.  yoghurt with raspberries, blackberries.  when I think of comfort food, I think of a really nice green vegetable dish (minimal leaves!) at my favourite restaurant, True Foods.  maybe with some roasted butternut squash or brussel sprouts.  I like really gingery ginger ale.  the more ginger, the better.

the products I have for bathing are products that I bought when I was in a good state of mind.  my wardrobe is completely changed to reflect my actual tastes, not whatever I scrounged from a thrift store or the sale rack.

I think maybe one of the keys to recovering from relapse is 1- allow myself to be numb for a while, don’t rush the process because pressuring myself to get better will only drain me and make me feel even more broken; 2- go to a restaurant I like and eat a vegan, gluten free dish (no mushrooms, no cheese obviously, +/- bell peppers, no iceberg lettuce, no romaine lettuce, no tomatoes- cherry tomatoes might be okay, no olives, +/- potatoes, +/- avocado, +/- watermelon, +/- apples, +/- celery, +/- various dressings, +/- corn, there’s probably more to this list); 3- find some kind of really strong ginger drink; 4- gluten free chocolate lava cake.  that sounds really nice.  maybe with a nice bowl of oolong.

so, recap for my benefit.

1- allow time to be numb and sad; 2- eat food that I like at a restaurant I like; 3- slowly transition into tea; 4- concurrently, take a little more time to shower and lotion; 5- use my calligraphy set to do absolutely nothing but feel the pleasure of the pen nib and flowing ink on paper;

something like that.  but food first.

[riichardwilson]

The 7 Steps to Keyword Research

Both SEO Company and content creation strategies cannot be implemented successfully without keyword research. Creating content that is ranking and speaks to the intent and needs of your ideal audience requires an understanding of which keywords matter to the relevant searches.

Keyword research is a critical first step to establishing a successful marketing maturity model. While it’s worth investing some time and effort in the process, it need not be arduous or difficult. In fact, I have some tips to help you conduct simple, effective keyword research.

1. Ideation

Who will know your business better than you? Hopefully no one. That’s why a great first step in keyword research is to sit down and brainstorm terms and questions your business answers for clients.

You should have a solid idea of what your business does and what people ask for. Are there certain questions their sales team gets all the time? Is there a consistent piece of feedback you get in reviews about what you did differently from your competition?

Do your best to focus on what customers ask for and stay away from any industry jargon. You are looking for the words and phrases that customers would use to describe your goods and services.

Part of the brainstorming process should also include understanding the types of customers you’re hoping to attract. What do you want to be known for, and what related terms should you focus on?

2. Turn to Google Keyword Suggest

Google Ads does have a keyword research tool, but I find it easier to just go to the search engine itself and run some test searches. Their autosuggest tool is a powerful way to generate keyword ideas that reflect what people are actually searching for.

Let’s say you own a home remodeling business. If you go to Google and type in “home remodel” check out the suggestions you get.

While some people are looking for specific companies, it seems most turn to Google when they’re in the early design stages. They’re on the hunt for ideas. Others still are looking for an app or software to help them begin the planning process; and that makes sense—it’s easier to commit to an expensive remodeling process if you’ve been able to run some scenarios in advance and are certain it’s worth it. And of course, because the home remodel process is expensive, you see questions about loans coming up close to the top as well.

From this one simple search, you now have a goldmine of information and lots of SEO Company and content ideas. Maybe write a post outlining how to budget for and finance renovations. Perhaps you can create a video showcasing your favorite free design tools where prospects can test out remodeling ideas.

You can also check out the “People also ask” box featured in the middle of the SERPs and the “Searches related to…” links at the bottom of the page for more ideas.

3. Keywords Everywhere Extension

While you’re on Google, why not check out what the Keywords Everywhere extension can tell you? Designed to work on Chrome and Firefox browsers, this extension will tell you even more about the search terms you enter.

Once you type in your search term, the extension will display related keywords on the Google page. It will also pull in Google advertising data, showing you the search volume, cost per click, and Ads competition.

4. YouTube Suggests

While YouTube is owned by Google, it’s still worthwhile to pop on over to their homepage to check out their autosuggests on your relevant keywords.

While the search term might be the same, the results you’ll get are often radically different. That’s because people use Google and YouTube in very different ways. Folks often turn to YouTube for tutorials and other types of content, which means you’ll get to see a whole other side of keyword possibilities by checking out autosuggestions on both Google and YouTube.

5. Wikipedia

Another angle to explore is everyone’s favorite online research tool: Wikipedia. Type in your keyword there, and you’ll find a table of contents at the top of the page. This gives you a whole new list of ways to explore your client’s area of expertise. Take again the home remodel example.

The table of contents on home improvement dives into the reasons one may undertake a home renovation project. Perhaps there’s a way for you to build out content around each of these areas. Create a podcast episode around energy-saving renovations, with information about replacing windows, updating insulation, and walking listeners through alternative energy sources, like solar and geothermal. Write a blog post about how to incorporate safety and emergency preparedness measures into a home improvement project, from fire and burglary alarm systems to back up generators that supply power during an outage.

6. Answer the Public

When you’re looking for popular questions related to your search term, I suggest you check out Answer the Public. Simply type in your search term on the homepage, and the tool will create a visual representation of related questions and phrases, and will even provide you with an alphabetical list of related terms.

7. Analyze All Existing Content and Create Your Hub Pages

Once you’ve done your keyword research, it’s time to take a look at the content you already have. How does that content align with the relevant keywords you found along the way? Are there ways to tweak the content to speak more directly to searchers’ intent? Are there gaps in the content you can fill with new content that will better address those most relevant search terms?

From here, you can begin to build out hub pages. These pages serve as the go-to guides on a given topic, and it’s easy to hone in on the best topics for hub pages once you’ve done your keyword research and understand what people are really searching for when they research your industry or field. Hub pages have major benefits from both an SEO Company and content perspective, so creating a handful of effective hub pages should be the ultimate goal of your keyword research.

Keyword research is never done in a vacuum. Great keyword research is at the heart of strong SEO Company and content creation strategies. It will drive your editorial calendar creation and help you get ranking in SERPs. By following the steps above, you’ll be sure to cover all of your bases and give yourself the greatest shot at happening upon unique keywords that can help you get noticed in a crowded marketplace.

Free eBook  7 Steps to Scale Your Consulting Practice Without Adding Overhead

“This training from Duct Tape marketing agency has exceeded my expectations and I couldn’t be happier” ~ Brooke Patterson, VanderMedia

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/the-7-steps-to-keyword-research/ source https://scpie.tumblr.com/post/617384816793583616

[laurelkrugerr]

The 7 Steps to Keyword Research

Both SEO Company and content creation strategies cannot be implemented successfully without keyword research. Creating content that is ranking and speaks to the intent and needs of your ideal audience requires an understanding of which keywords matter to the relevant searches.

Keyword research is a critical first step to establishing a successful marketing maturity model. While it’s worth investing some time and effort in the process, it need not be arduous or difficult. In fact, I have some tips to help you conduct simple, effective keyword research.

1. Ideation

Who will know your business better than you? Hopefully no one. That’s why a great first step in keyword research is to sit down and brainstorm terms and questions your business answers for clients.

You should have a solid idea of what your business does and what people ask for. Are there certain questions their sales team gets all the time? Is there a consistent piece of feedback you get in reviews about what you did differently from your competition?

Do your best to focus on what customers ask for and stay away from any industry jargon. You are looking for the words and phrases that customers would use to describe your goods and services.

Part of the brainstorming process should also include understanding the types of customers you’re hoping to attract. What do you want to be known for, and what related terms should you focus on?

2. Turn to Google Keyword Suggest

Google Ads does have a keyword research tool, but I find it easier to just go to the search engine itself and run some test searches. Their autosuggest tool is a powerful way to generate keyword ideas that reflect what people are actually searching for.

Let’s say you own a home remodeling business. If you go to Google and type in “home remodel” check out the suggestions you get.

While some people are looking for specific companies, it seems most turn to Google when they’re in the early design stages. They’re on the hunt for ideas. Others still are looking for an app or software to help them begin the planning process; and that makes sense—it’s easier to commit to an expensive remodeling process if you’ve been able to run some scenarios in advance and are certain it’s worth it. And of course, because the home remodel process is expensive, you see questions about loans coming up close to the top as well.

From this one simple search, you now have a goldmine of information and lots of SEO Company and content ideas. Maybe write a post outlining how to budget for and finance renovations. Perhaps you can create a video showcasing your favorite free design tools where prospects can test out remodeling ideas.

You can also check out the “People also ask” box featured in the middle of the SERPs and the “Searches related to…” links at the bottom of the page for more ideas.

3. Keywords Everywhere Extension

While you’re on Google, why not check out what the Keywords Everywhere extension can tell you? Designed to work on Chrome and Firefox browsers, this extension will tell you even more about the search terms you enter.

Once you type in your search term, the extension will display related keywords on the Google page. It will also pull in Google advertising data, showing you the search volume, cost per click, and Ads competition.

4. YouTube Suggests

While YouTube is owned by Google, it’s still worthwhile to pop on over to their homepage to check out their autosuggests on your relevant keywords.

While the search term might be the same, the results you’ll get are often radically different. That’s because people use Google and YouTube in very different ways. Folks often turn to YouTube for tutorials and other types of content, which means you’ll get to see a whole other side of keyword possibilities by checking out autosuggestions on both Google and YouTube.

5. Wikipedia

Another angle to explore is everyone’s favorite online research tool: Wikipedia. Type in your keyword there, and you’ll find a table of contents at the top of the page. This gives you a whole new list of ways to explore your client’s area of expertise. Take again the home remodel example.

The table of contents on home improvement dives into the reasons one may undertake a home renovation project. Perhaps there’s a way for you to build out content around each of these areas. Create a podcast episode around energy-saving renovations, with information about replacing windows, updating insulation, and walking listeners through alternative energy sources, like solar and geothermal. Write a blog post about how to incorporate safety and emergency preparedness measures into a home improvement project, from fire and burglary alarm systems to back up generators that supply power during an outage.

6. Answer the Public

When you’re looking for popular questions related to your search term, I suggest you check out Answer the Public. Simply type in your search term on the homepage, and the tool will create a visual representation of related questions and phrases, and will even provide you with an alphabetical list of related terms.

7. Analyze All Existing Content and Create Your Hub Pages

Once you’ve done your keyword research, it’s time to take a look at the content you already have. How does that content align with the relevant keywords you found along the way? Are there ways to tweak the content to speak more directly to searchers’ intent? Are there gaps in the content you can fill with new content that will better address those most relevant search terms?

From here, you can begin to build out hub pages. These pages serve as the go-to guides on a given topic, and it’s easy to hone in on the best topics for hub pages once you’ve done your keyword research and understand what people are really searching for when they research your industry or field. Hub pages have major benefits from both an SEO Company and content perspective, so creating a handful of effective hub pages should be the ultimate goal of your keyword research.

Keyword research is never done in a vacuum. Great keyword research is at the heart of strong SEO Company and content creation strategies. It will drive your editorial calendar creation and help you get ranking in SERPs. By following the steps above, you’ll be sure to cover all of your bases and give yourself the greatest shot at happening upon unique keywords that can help you get noticed in a crowded marketplace.

Free eBook  7 Steps to Scale Your Consulting Practice Without Adding Overhead

“This training from Duct Tape marketing agency has exceeded my expectations and I couldn’t be happier” ~ Brooke Patterson, VanderMedia

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/the-7-steps-to-keyword-research/ source https://scpie1.blogspot.com/2020/05/the-7-steps-to-keyword-research.html

[scpie]

The 7 Steps to Keyword Research

Both SEO Company and content creation strategies cannot be implemented successfully without keyword research. Creating content that is ranking and speaks to the intent and needs of your ideal audience requires an understanding of which keywords matter to the relevant searches.

Keyword research is a critical first step to establishing a successful marketing maturity model. While it’s worth investing some time and effort in the process, it need not be arduous or difficult. In fact, I have some tips to help you conduct simple, effective keyword research.

1. Ideation

Who will know your business better than you? Hopefully no one. That’s why a great first step in keyword research is to sit down and brainstorm terms and questions your business answers for clients.

You should have a solid idea of what your business does and what people ask for. Are there certain questions their sales team gets all the time? Is there a consistent piece of feedback you get in reviews about what you did differently from your competition?

Do your best to focus on what customers ask for and stay away from any industry jargon. You are looking for the words and phrases that customers would use to describe your goods and services.

Part of the brainstorming process should also include understanding the types of customers you’re hoping to attract. What do you want to be known for, and what related terms should you focus on?

2. Turn to Google Keyword Suggest

Google Ads does have a keyword research tool, but I find it easier to just go to the search engine itself and run some test searches. Their autosuggest tool is a powerful way to generate keyword ideas that reflect what people are actually searching for.

Let’s say you own a home remodeling business. If you go to Google and type in “home remodel” check out the suggestions you get.

While some people are looking for specific companies, it seems most turn to Google when they’re in the early design stages. They’re on the hunt for ideas. Others still are looking for an app or software to help them begin the planning process; and that makes sense—it’s easier to commit to an expensive remodeling process if you’ve been able to run some scenarios in advance and are certain it’s worth it. And of course, because the home remodel process is expensive, you see questions about loans coming up close to the top as well.

From this one simple search, you now have a goldmine of information and lots of SEO Company and content ideas. Maybe write a post outlining how to budget for and finance renovations. Perhaps you can create a video showcasing your favorite free design tools where prospects can test out remodeling ideas.

You can also check out the “People also ask” box featured in the middle of the SERPs and the “Searches related to…” links at the bottom of the page for more ideas.

3. Keywords Everywhere Extension

While you’re on Google, why not check out what the Keywords Everywhere extension can tell you? Designed to work on Chrome and Firefox browsers, this extension will tell you even more about the search terms you enter.

Once you type in your search term, the extension will display related keywords on the Google page. It will also pull in Google advertising data, showing you the search volume, cost per click, and Ads competition.

4. YouTube Suggests

While YouTube is owned by Google, it’s still worthwhile to pop on over to their homepage to check out their autosuggests on your relevant keywords.

While the search term might be the same, the results you’ll get are often radically different. That’s because people use Google and YouTube in very different ways. Folks often turn to YouTube for tutorials and other types of content, which means you’ll get to see a whole other side of keyword possibilities by checking out autosuggestions on both Google and YouTube.

5. Wikipedia

Another angle to explore is everyone’s favorite online research tool: Wikipedia. Type in your keyword there, and you’ll find a table of contents at the top of the page. This gives you a whole new list of ways to explore your client’s area of expertise. Take again the home remodel example.

The table of contents on home improvement dives into the reasons one may undertake a home renovation project. Perhaps there’s a way for you to build out content around each of these areas. Create a podcast episode around energy-saving renovations, with information about replacing windows, updating insulation, and walking listeners through alternative energy sources, like solar and geothermal. Write a blog post about how to incorporate safety and emergency preparedness measures into a home improvement project, from fire and burglary alarm systems to back up generators that supply power during an outage.

6. Answer the Public

When you’re looking for popular questions related to your search term, I suggest you check out Answer the Public. Simply type in your search term on the homepage, and the tool will create a visual representation of related questions and phrases, and will even provide you with an alphabetical list of related terms.

7. Analyze All Existing Content and Create Your Hub Pages

Once you’ve done your keyword research, it’s time to take a look at the content you already have. How does that content align with the relevant keywords you found along the way? Are there ways to tweak the content to speak more directly to searchers’ intent? Are there gaps in the content you can fill with new content that will better address those most relevant search terms?

From here, you can begin to build out hub pages. These pages serve as the go-to guides on a given topic, and it’s easy to hone in on the best topics for hub pages once you’ve done your keyword research and understand what people are really searching for when they research your industry or field. Hub pages have major benefits from both an SEO Company and content perspective, so creating a handful of effective hub pages should be the ultimate goal of your keyword research.

Keyword research is never done in a vacuum. Great keyword research is at the heart of strong SEO Company and content creation strategies. It will drive your editorial calendar creation and help you get ranking in SERPs. By following the steps above, you’ll be sure to cover all of your bases and give yourself the greatest shot at happening upon unique keywords that can help you get noticed in a crowded marketplace.

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source http://www.scpie.org/the-7-steps-to-keyword-research/

[goodra-king]

The 7 Steps to Keyword Research

The 7 Steps to Keyword Research written by Jenna Jantsch read more at Duct Tape Marketing

Both SEO and content creation strategies cannot be implemented successfully without keyword research. Creating content that is ranking and speaks to the intent and needs of your ideal audience requires an understanding of which keywords matter to the relevant searches.

Keyword research is a critical first step to establishing a successful marketing maturity model. While it’s worth investing some time and effort in the process, it need not be arduous or difficult. In fact, I have some tips to help you conduct simple, effective keyword research.

1. Ideation

Who will know your business better than you? Hopefully no one. That’s why a great first step in keyword research is to sit down and brainstorm terms and questions your business answers for clients.

You should have a solid idea of what your business does and what people ask for. Are there certain questions their sales team gets all the time? Is there a consistent piece of feedback you get in reviews about what you did differently from your competition?

Do your best to focus on what customers ask for and stay away from any industry jargon. You are looking for the words and phrases that customers would use to describe your goods and services.

Part of the brainstorming process should also include understanding the types of customers you’re hoping to attract. What do you want to be known for, and what related terms should you focus on?

2. Turn to Google Keyword Suggest

Google Ads does have a keyword research tool, but I find it easier to just go to the search engine itself and run some test searches. Their autosuggest tool is a powerful way to generate keyword ideas that reflect what people are actually searching for.

Let’s say you own a home remodeling business. If you go to Google and type in “home remodel” check out the suggestions you get.

While some people are looking for specific companies, it seems most turn to Google when they’re in the early design stages. They’re on the hunt for ideas. Others still are looking for an app or software to help them begin the planning process; and that makes sense—it’s easier to commit to an expensive remodeling process if you’ve been able to run some scenarios in advance and are certain it’s worth it. And of course, because the home remodel process is expensive, you see questions about loans coming up close to the top as well.

From this one simple search, you now have a goldmine of information and lots of SEO and content ideas. Maybe write a post outlining how to budget for and finance renovations. Perhaps you can create a video showcasing your favorite free design tools where prospects can test out remodeling ideas.

You can also check out the “People also ask” box featured in the middle of the SERPs and the “Searches related to…” links at the bottom of the page for more ideas.

3. Keywords Everywhere Extension

While you’re on Google, why not check out what the Keywords Everywhere extension can tell you? Designed to work on Chrome and Firefox browsers, this extension will tell you even more about the search terms you enter.

Once you type in your search term, the extension will display related keywords on the Google page. It will also pull in Google advertising data, showing you the search volume, cost per click, and Ads competition.

4. YouTube Suggests

While YouTube is owned by Google, it’s still worthwhile to pop on over to their homepage to check out their autosuggests on your relevant keywords.

While the search term might be the same, the results you’ll get are often radically different. That’s because people use Google and YouTube in very different ways. Folks often turn to YouTube for tutorials and other types of content, which means you’ll get to see a whole other side of keyword possibilities by checking out autosuggestions on both Google and YouTube.

5. Wikipedia

Another angle to explore is everyone’s favorite online research tool: Wikipedia. Type in your keyword there, and you’ll find a table of contents at the top of the page. This gives you a whole new list of ways to explore your client’s area of expertise. Take again the home remodel example.

The table of contents on home improvement dives into the reasons one may undertake a home renovation project. Perhaps there’s a way for you to build out content around each of these areas. Create a podcast episode around energy-saving renovations, with information about replacing windows, updating insulation, and walking listeners through alternative energy sources, like solar and geothermal. Write a blog post about how to incorporate safety and emergency preparedness measures into a home improvement project, from fire and burglary alarm systems to back up generators that supply power during an outage.

6. Answer the Public

When you’re looking for popular questions related to your search term, I suggest you check out Answer the Public. Simply type in your search term on the homepage, and the tool will create a visual representation of related questions and phrases, and will even provide you with an alphabetical list of related terms.

7. Analyze All Existing Content and Create Your Hub Pages

Once you’ve done your keyword research, it’s time to take a look at the content you already have. How does that content align with the relevant keywords you found along the way? Are there ways to tweak the content to speak more directly to searchers’ intent? Are there gaps in the content you can fill with new content that will better address those most relevant search terms?

From here, you can begin to build out hub pages. These pages serve as the go-to guides on a given topic, and it’s easy to hone in on the best topics for hub pages once you’ve done your keyword research and understand what people are really searching for when they research your industry or field. Hub pages have major benefits from both an SEO and content perspective, so creating a handful of effective hub pages should be the ultimate goal of your keyword research.

Keyword research is never done in a vacuum. Great keyword research is at the heart of strong SEO and content creation strategies. It will drive your editorial calendar creation and help you get ranking in SERPs. By following the steps above, you’ll be sure to cover all of your bases and give yourself the greatest shot at happening upon unique keywords that can help you get noticed in a crowded marketplace.

from https://bit.ly/2YH2yZQ

[ulrichfoester]

Lithium Overdose and Recovery

Lithium is a psychiatric medication that is used to treat bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder. Drugs like lithium act as mood stabilizers, helping individuals with these mental health disorders obtain a better quality of life. Those who are prescribed lithium will have regular blood tests to monitor the levels of the drug in the system. This helps keep a tab on potential toxicity.

Lithium is not an addictive drug, like other prescription pills such as opioids or benzodiazepines. Lithium is not a typical drug of abuse, so overdose is typically a result of someone’s intention to inflict harm on themselves. Other instances where lithium overdose may occur is when the drug is used with drugs or alcohol, as it can have a potentially fatal interaction with those substances.

Lithium overdose is considered a serious medical emergence that requires immediate intervention. Following the recovery from the overdose, the individual will possibly be referred to a residential mental health treatment program where an intensive approach to the contributing factors can be beneficial.

About Lithium

Lithium is a psychotropic drug that is used to treat mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and occasionally depression and ADHD. Lithium is also known as lithium carbonate and lithium citrate, and sold under the brand names Lithobid, Lithane, Carbolith, and Eskalith, and has been in use since the 1870s. Lithium is made from stone materials and other chemical agents that can slow the activity of nerves and muscles. Researchers have not yet determined why lithium is effect as a mood stabilizer, but the medication has proven to be very effective in this regard. Lithium is sometimes prescribed alongside other medications, such as antipsychotic drugs.

While effective in managing mood disorders, lithium does carry some health risks so is not appropriate for patients with heart conditions, kidney disease, or thyroid disease. The serum level of lithium must be continually monitored to reduce the risk of toxicity.

The effects of lithium include:

Relief from depressive episodes

Relief from manic episodes

More stable moods and emotions

Prevents seizures

Common side effects experienced on lithium include:

Itchiness

Thinning of hair

Muscle weakness

 Weight gain

Frequent urination

Acne

Impaired memory

Mild nausea

Poor concentration

Loss of appetite

How Someone Overdoses on Lithium

When an individual ends up with too much lithium in the blood it can lead to lithium toxicity, also known as lithium overdose. There are three levels of lithium toxicity to define the overdose, these are:

Acute, as when someone who has never used the drug takes too high a dosing

Chronic, as when excessive levels of lithium in the bloodstream build up as a result of daily use of the drug

Acute on chronic, as when someone who is prescribed lithium suddenly takes an excessive dosing, either accidentally or intentionally

When an individual ingests too much lithium, the concentration of the drug in the system is then graded as mild, moderate, or severe. A blood level of more than 3.5mEq/L is considered severe and can result in dangerous health risks, including death.

In some cases, typically in teenage patients, an intentional overdose may occur. Since the drug does not produce a high, when an intentional overdose occurs it is likely to be an attempt at self-harm or suicide.

Symptoms of Lithium Overdose

An excessive level of lithium in the bloodstream can result in the following symptoms:

Confusion

Fatigue

Slurred speech

Drowsiness

Nausea or vomiting

Muscle weakness

Blurred vision

Ringing in the ears

Diarrhea

Blackouts

Poor muscle coordination

Ataxia

Tremors

Twitching

Dizziness

Insomnia

Loss of appetite

Cardiac arrhythmia

Coma

For those who recover from a lithium overdose there may be long-term health complications experienced, referred to by the acronym SILENT (syndrome of irreversible lithium-effected neurotoxicity). Symptoms of SILENT include reduced cognitive functioning, memory loss, and sub-cortical dementia.

Lithium Overdose Treatment

When a lithium overdose is suspected, the medical team will order the following lab tests:

Serum lithium concentration

Glucose

Metabolic panel to assess kidney function

Urine test (testing for pregnancy)

Serum acetaminophen and salicylate concentration levels

Emergency interventions for a lithium overdose will be determined by the severity of the toxicity. If it is chronic toxicity-related, meaning due to a build up of toxins in the blood, treatment may involve simply reducing or stopping the lithium dosing until serum levels are normal. For acute or acute on chronic overdoses, more aggressive treatment is required. This may include:

Intravenous fluids

Activated charcoal administration

Gastric lavage, or stomach washing

Whole bowel irrigation

Kidney dialysis

Drugs to control seizures and nausea

In addition to the increased serum levels of lithium involved in lithium toxicity, another source may be due to drug interactions. Some medications lead to dehydration, such as diuretics, NSAIDs like Advil and Aleve, and ACE inhibitors.

About Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, formerly referred to as manic-depressive illness, is a unique mental health condition that causes abrupt shifts in mood. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), bipolar disorder afflicts about 2.6% of the adult population in the U.S.  Among those diagnosed, 82% are classified as severe. These extreme mood variances cause a great deal of instability in the life of the individual, and often results in depleted energy and activity levels. Although the manic phases are part of the disorder, the majority of those with bipolar tend to suffer mostly the low mood, or depressive episodes.

Manic phase symptoms include:

Euphoria and elation

Fast talking

Increased activity level

Racing thoughts and difficulty staying focused

Rapid speech

Insufficient sleep

Aggressive behavior

Irritability or agitation

Impulsive behaviors

Engaging in risky behaviors, such as substance abuse or sexual promiscuity

Psychosis (hallucinations or delusions)

Depressive phase symptoms include:

Persistent sadness

Feelings of hopelessness and despair

Intense fatigue

Anxiety

Sleep disturbances

Excessive worry

Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed

Chronic or vague pain with no known medical cause

Trouble concentrating

Irritability

Suicidal ideation

There are different types of bipolar disorder that are differentiated by the level of the intensity of symptoms, as well as the types of symptoms. These include:

Bipolar I disorder

Bipolar II disorder

Cyclothymic disorder

Unspecified bipolar disorder

Science has yet to identify exactly what causes bipolar disorder. However, certain factors are recognized as potentially causal, including genetics, brain chemistry imbalance, extreme protracted stress, personality traits, and substance use disorders.

Comprehensive Treatment for Bipolar Disorder

When someone seeks psychiatric help for the symptoms of bipolar disorder, the first steps will include both a physical exam and a psychological evaluation using various assessment tools as well as the verbal interview. Because there are variations of bipolar disorder, the doctor will pay close attention to the unique features conveyed through these assessments in order to arrive at an accurate diagnosis.

The primary methods of treating bipolar disorder are with the use of prescription medications and targeted psychotherapy. Psychiatrists can prescribe medications for a the mental health disorder causing the mood swings. Medications include lithium, and may also include other drugs, such as antidepressants or anti-psychotics. Medication is paired with psychotherapy, where the patient discusses pertinent life events or past traumas that might be contributing to the bipolar disorder.

If outpatient services are not adequately helping the individual’s daily functioning, a more intensive level of care may be beneficial. Residential mental health programs can be very helpful in providing a more intensive treatment approach while the patient resides in the safe, supportive treatment environment. Residential mental health programs offer the following treatment elements:

Psychotropic medications.  A thorough evaluation of the patient’s present medications and dosing will be conducted. The doctor will determine if the medication should be adjusted or changed to better serve the individual’s specific diagnostic needs. If the patient is already on lithium, the serum levels will be tested for toxicity.

Psychotherapy. There are several evidence-based psychotherapies available to help a patient struggling with bipolar disorder. The primary goal of psychotherapy is to help the patient better manage stress and triggers. This can be accomplished through

Cognitive behavioral therapy. (CBT) teaches patients re taught ways to reshape their self-defeating thought patterns that can trigger symptoms, and to replace the disordered thought-behavior patterns with healthier beliefs and more positive behaviors. When these new thought/behavior patterns are practiced they can be important coping tools.

Psychoeducation. These sessions help the patient understand the disorder, the importance of adhering to medication, how to detect an emerging episode, and stress management techniques.

Interpersonal and social rhythm. Teaches mood and activity tracking to better establish healthy daily routines, improves sleep quality by regularizing circadian rhythms, and identifies any particular interpersonal issue or problem area that is contributory.

Family therapy. Helps the family better understand the loved one’s bipolar disorder, teaches problem-solving skills and more effective communication skills.

Holistic activities. The residential program may include involvement in a variety of holistic activities that can assist with managing stress levels and emotion regulation. These might include yoga, deep-breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation, art therapy, acupuncture, or massage therapy.

Mood disorders like bipolar disorder are able to be managed through a consistent commitment to continuing psychotherapy, practicing new thought and behavior patterns, holistic methods, and adherence to medications.

The Treatment Specialist Offers Online Guidance About Mood Disorders

The Treatment Specialist is an online resource that provides useful information about mental health and substance use disorders. Our experienced specialists are available to offer free guidance for individuals who are seeking help for a mood disorder such as bipolar disorder. To learn more about lithium and treatment for mood disorders, please reach out to The Treatment Specialist today at (866) 644-7911.

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