#and then today I got further down the playlist for the first time and experienced /such/ an odd feeling

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: February 7

"Living Next Door to Alice (Who the Fuck is Alice)" by Smokie

[14muffinz]

Asking some writers/artists I follow:

Is there anything in your fic/comic that you as the author know about, but won't end up in the actual story?

oh for sure

i'll start with the TMNT stuff first because of your PFP, but we gonna be here a while.

[lab rats stuff at the bottom]

warning: fic spoilers galore

In WIBE, one of the characters we meet is Yuichi Usagi, who works at the human ROTM. He also works in the original ROTM. He was robbed while on a trip to the Hidden City, and is originally from a different city entirely. Hueso is doing his best to help him out, but it'll likely be a long time before Yuichi gets to go home.

Some other WIBE background characters in WIBE include: MM!Kendra, MM!Robyn O'Neil, MM!Irma, & MM!Casey Jones. I don't have a lot to say abt Kendra and Irma, since it's been a long time since I wrote any of it down, but I can give it my best shot with Robyn and Casey.

Robyn has been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety disorder for a few years pre-fic. She's in her first year of college which is out-of-state, and does her best to check up on her family via phone call at least every other week. She's also sort of invested in all of April's new drama, but she won't admit it.

Casey's been playing hockey for as long as he can remember, and intends to keep at it for as long as he's physically able. He's also got a knack for engineering, and I'd gamble that sometime not long after the ending of WIBE, he'd start up the Casey Jones vigilante batshittery. His parents are divorced, but he spends most of his time with his Jewish mother, and while he's never been actually taught much about his religion he accepts it as a part of his identity, and if people don't like that then they shouldn't be around him in the first place. He finds the existence of the turtles to be one of the coolest things ever, but after actually getting to know Raph and the others, it doesn't impress him as much as it used to. (If I had time, I'd add in a tiny crush on Raph, but I'm an aro with WAY too many ideas for this tiny fic)

Then there's experienced fighters, where the main thing is me ALWAYS knowing what song is playing in the background. I really love how much music is in MM, and I love being able to say hey! here's the musical vibes of the environment!

sort of on that topic, i've got a hc that any song with even small references to space are songs that rise, 2k12, and MM leo are more likely to enjoy. they don't realize these patterns, but they sure are there.

and to end off the music rant, one of these days i'm gonna make a playlist of songs that I think the rise crew all collectively agree are good enough (this is what space feels like, goodie bag, punk tactics, etc. etc.)

there's also two in one, which is based off an au by @blackfire-fanfiction. I have to be real cautious abt what I put in there, because a lot of people are looking at it instead of the extended context of the real thing, not to mention how many Thoughts that aren't really canon I have about it. For instance: today I had a good 30 minute daydreaming session abt the concept of rise!Donnie reading leonardo's notebook while he's comatose post-rise movie and finding out about the switching

in dimension desync, I poke a bit at my head canons about peni parker's movie universe and her mental health at home, and have expanded on this even further in an abandoned draft. this is going to be LONG, so here we go: Gwen Stacy and Richard Parker were around in Peni's universe before she herself was, each piloting a mech of their own [Ven#m and Sp//DR]. A few months after Peni's mother is pregnant with her, Richard dies in action, and a few months later, Ven#m sort of devours Gwen (go read the comics because it's really fucked up but idk how to describe it) So then the role of SP//DR is forcefully thrust upon Peni at the age of eleven, and her connection with SP//DR isn't exactly... perfect.

in my team blue universe, I'm fleshing the hell out of Sam-13 and Shadowcat (both from earth 65). Sam was created by corrupt parts of SHIELD (that have yet to have been identified as corrupt) but now is just a regular agent. Cap returned to their dimension when he was 14 and has been in charge of training him ever since. Cap is stubborn to a fault and is def being manipulated by the corrupt agents, but none of the kids have gotten close to that bigger picture yet. Meanwhile, Kitty was inducted into the weapon x program (or 65's equivalent of it, I don't remember much of the wolverine origin story) at the age of 8, and despite odds survived. Wolverine took her in, and she's been helping him bounty hunt since about 13, even though he's trying to stop her.

team blue is also starting to extend to universes that the spider-verse movies don't really deal with through plants that have yet to be explained. but miguel's spite at e-199999 has definitely transferred, which means that, if they were ever to interact, not many of the main team would like the mcu-vengers

in my very obscure mech-x4 series, Olivia (who is only referenced by name once in the show) is veracity's little sister, who is 7 years old. This series is more of a set of vaguely connected oneshots, but still.

i could go ON AND ON about Oliver in all of my mighty med/lab rats fics, but in short: arcturion made his hair start growing in blonde, which he hates. Horace is his adopted dad and so it sucks ass when he dies. Oliver also comes with built in hypothermia! This is also definitely a headcanon, but I think that in EF once the rats have the upgraded chips, Chase's laser bō is green instead of blue, and his super senses are togglerable (to a degree) I also like to imagine Kaz's lil bro Kyle is his number one fan and nobody in his family listens to him when he claims that Kaz is one of the bionic guys on the news.

... yeah I think that's enough for now

[yeombin]

part i.iii: the day darkness fought against the light

(prev - series masterlist - next)

pairing: beomgyu x fem!reader, soobin x fem!reader, platonic ot5 x fem! reader

genre: angst, fantasy, fluff - adaptation of an interpretation of the txt storyline

section one playlist: here

word count: ~20k (just under!) 

chapter warnings: this chapter features a lot of death and blood and angst!! for sure, the most angsty so far. also features homophobic behaviour and bittersweet moments. also mentions of food and unrequited love. 

~ if there is anything that can be triggering in this writing and i have failed to tag it, please let me know ~ 

a/n: endless thanks to @pastelsicheng​ whose help i couldn’t do this without ❤️ (esp for the fight scene omg). also thank you for dealing with the long wait time! work and life piled up 💀 

Ever since you had a concept of life beyond childhood, the six of you promised to stick together through thick and thin. Repeated in whispers and in exclamations, the promise looked like it’d keep. Unfortunately, it was broken by the malicious words of a fifteen-year-old boy. 

From your first meeting to the last fight, the six of you experienced all that childhood and being a teenager had to offer. You watched each other grow in more ways than one. Previously, you were certain that there’d be many more milestones you’d get to experience together, from getting your first official jobs to retirement. Now, you just have to watch your friends experience them from afar. 

This was a fact that would particularly sting you later that day, as you would be barely twenty metres away from each other and pretending like the other doesn’t exist. 

An event purely focused on rituals, your personal tradition for the Harvest Festival is to spend the day with your best friends, help Yeonjun prepare for his speech, and then participate in as many activities throughout the event. Today was the first day straying away from tradition.

In fact, this time - the whole event is straying away from tradition. For one, Yeonjun wasn’t there to make his usual speech. Consequently, his absence has provided people with a scapegoat in case crops fail this year. 

Secondly, this is the first time in six years that the Harvest Festival fell on a weekend. 

Your friends had planned a special schedule for this weekend earlier in the year to truly celebrate. Everyone had written down what they wanted to do and Taehyun even scoured the books for more information about the festival’s history. While he couldn’t find much on it, Taehyun managed to find some of the historically accurate ways to celebrate the event. So while the plan was to go to the forest and practise Yeonjun’s speech, it also consisted of honouring old traditions like wearing woven or knitted products and gifting loved ones. When your parents heard of this plan, Mrs. Huening went straight to weaving six woven bracelets (and a special handkerchief for Yeonjun as it’d be his first speech as an adult). 

Back then, he promised to come back for the Harvest Festival. But back then, he also promised a lot of things. 

Knocking on the home you haven’t stepped foot in for half a year, you felt a tense heaviness fall on your shoulders as your heart sank…and sank…and sank. It wasn’t that you hadn’t been by his front door since the fight - you had to come by for deliveries, but the town’s gossip mill informed you of why today’s delivery was so special. 

Yeonjun was leaving town for university. Somewhere further than Beliftham, like he previously promised. ‘About a day’s carriage ride away’, Mrs. Ho had told you. 

Could the collapse of your friend group have led to him leaving his original plans of studying at a local university? You couldn’t help but wonder. Yet, you knew this option was better for him and his dreams.  

You got confirmation of his departure when you attended his graduation. A promise is a promise, you attended even without his knowledge. As he crossed the stage for the final time in his school career, they announced his plans to study politics at the renowned university in a central city. 

To describe how you were feeling when you found out is complicated. For one, you were elated; Yeonjun found his passion and was pursuing it at the country’s most renowned university. You didn’t have a doubt in your mind that he’d succeed. But, he’d be so far away. And you have yet to rebuild the bridge that was degraded by Ki-Hoon. 

You expected Mrs. Choi or Mayor Choi to show up at the door, as they normally do. When you’d come around, they acted like nothing had happened; as if you still showed up every week with your friends, ready to wander off with their son.

So lost in thought, you didn’t hear the muffled calls and footsteps from inside the house. 

“I’ll get the doo-” His voice trailed off as he laid his eyes on you, already using the door to protect him as if Beomgyu had sent you to start another fight. If it wasn’t from the feeling of fondness that radiated from within you as you looked into his eyes, you’d swear he was annoyed you came. “Oh, Y/N. Hello.” 

“Uh, hello.” Each word seemed to carefully tiptoe as if they were walking on broken glass. “You have a delivery.” You motioned towards the basket and Yeonjun immediately bowed to say thank you. Through the door widening, you see wooden boxes packed with all his stuff. 

Once the basket was free from your arms, a weirdly comforting silence filled you. Weird, purely as along with the comfort that came from his familiarity also came the tension of what had previously happened. 

You decided to break the glass you were walking on. “Congratulations, by the way.” Yeonjun tilted his head, as if he wasn’t packing the whole afternoon. “For university. I’m proud of you.” 

Yeonjun let out a dry chuckle, before looking awkward. His hand went to scratch the back of his neck as he tried to defend his choice from your non-existent judgement. “I thought ultimately, it’d be better for me to study there rather than Beliftham. It really - I know we promi-” 

“Hey,” you interrupted him. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. You’re doing what’s best for you, and I’m so happy if you’re happy.” Yeonjun smiled softly back at you, before looking down at his feet. 

“I’m going to miss you a lot,” he croaked, now both of you looking down at the ground. Part of you wanted to reach out and give him the biggest hug possible. You could feel fear of uncertainty, of an unknown place. 

“I’ll miss you so much too.” Looking back up and making eye contact with him, you smiled. The future is scary and seeing Yeonjun leave was scarier, but you could tell he’d be happier there. “Let me know when you’re back, okay?” Maybe then, there won’t be anymore tension with everyone, you hoped. 

Placing the basket onto the ground, Yeonjun opened up his arms for your embrace and nodded.

“Jagiya!” Beomgyu called from the tomato patch, taking you out of your bittersweet memory. “Can you help me?” He sulked, making you chuckle. Your boyfriend has always hated tomatoes. 

As there was no school today, you decided to lend your parents extra help to prepare for the feast. Beomgyu didn’t hesitate to tag along. 

(‘It’s a test,’ your dad teased as he watched Beomgyu harvest carrots with his critical eye, “to make sure he truly is eligible as your suitor.”)

Entering the festival, your hand was interlocked with Beomgyu’s. The festival was already full of life by the beginning of it all, your neighbours filing in and playing games or filling up their cups with whatever mead (or apple juice) that is available. An array of lanterns provide cover from the dark night sky. Although the community was always so lively, the town was buzzing with a different type of energy. It almost was like you were in a whole new town altogether. 

Upon your entry, you spotted Taehyun and Kai. Although from a distance away, like you were growing up, you were magnetised to them. Almost immediately, you felt compelled to stare at their wrists. Were they wearing the bracelets too?  The sensation of the woven fabric around your wrist became an itching sensation as you tried to see if they too wore the friendship bracelets. Unfortunately, you couldn’t see it from here. 

By the pond, the two of them were…wrestling, is the best way to describe it. They were cackling; trying to force the other to fall down…into the pond? The sight of them made you smile. They look happy. Tuning into their animated laughs and giggles (and even their disappointed groans), you were happy. 

Yet a heaviness fell onto your heart. You wondered how the game would look if you were all involved. The first thing that came to mind was how Yeonjun and Soobin would spectate with you, acting like a commentator at an archery match. Beomgyu would’ve joined, or…well, more like knocked someone into the pond and flee from Taehyun’s anger. You wanted to go up to them, ask them how they are, and spend time with them - but you already knew how the last time went. 

“Oh, hey!” You grinned as you locked eyes with Taehyun and Kai as they walked back from the forest. It used to be all of your spots, somewhere you go to as six. Now, you all go there individually or in small groups. 

 Beomgyu’s grip on your hands tightened, not expecting to see the two. Sure, since the fight - the real bad blood was between Soobin and Beomgyu. Not between you, Kai, or Taehyun (you were unsure as to what happened with Yeonjun for him to avoid you, but you wanted to respect his wishes). However, Beomgyu drew invisible lines in the sand. And, to respect Beomgyu, you avoided Soobin. You didn’t want another fight. 

Kai and Taehyun greeted you with a smile - Kai about to go in for a hug, but once they locked eyes with Beomgyu; they tensed up. Trying to not talk about the elephant in the room, you asked them how school was going. Beomgyu’s eyes remained trained on the ground. 

“Yeah, fine, fine.” Taehyun said, carefully eyeing Beomgyu. You could tell that in this situation, no one is comfortable - not even you who was walking on eggshells as you tried to ensure nothing falls apart around you…at least, not more than it already has. “How are you…two?” He spat out the last word, as if he was releasing a poisonous arrow. 

Shaking your shared arm, you tried to encourage Beomgyu to talk - especially as he started to only make eye contact with you; his eyes pleading to leave. “We’re good!,” you answered, giving up. “Do you want to make plan-” 

“You guys are probably in a rush, right?” Kai and Taehyun seemed to have read Beomgyu’s mind as well, which is easy enough - they did grow up together. “We’ll let you be. Are you on a date?” 

Beomgyu nodded. “Yep, yep.” His lack of verbal thoughts were a sign he wasn’t in the mood for this. 

You motioned to the basket that Beomgyu is holding. “Picnic. Maybe one day-” Kai gave you a look. The look told you he knew what you were trying to do, but they didn’t want to poke the bear. Stopping mid-sentence, you admitted defeat to the pains of time and of change. “Yeah, well, it’s super lovely to see you guys.” 

“You too.” Taehyun smiled. You fought the urge to hug them. 

Would it be better if Beomgyu and I weren’t together? Obviously, with the dissolution of your friendship - you felt empty for a long time. They have been in your life since you could remember; they were your family.  It’s not to say you weren’t happy with Beomgyu - you were unbelievably happy. You adored him. Yet, you wondered what life would be like if your friends were still all together. 

You didn’t dare to say these thoughts out loud. You didn’t want to cause a fight.

“Let’s go take a seat?” you asked, tearing your eyes away from your old friends and towards the picnic tables. Beomgyu quickly agreed, hooking his arm into yours to keep you closer to him. Mindless chatter with Beomgyu always brought you to ease; it has since you were little kids. 

As soon as you reached the picnic tables, you immediately slumped into Beomgyu. Resting your legs over his lap and nuzzling your head on his shoulder, you felt at home in his embrace. Closely attuned, you could feel his chest move as he breaths and laughs and talks, and you couldn’t help but feel safe. You adore him - you truly do. More than you could ever describe. 

I want to marry him one day, you thought - ignorant to how he was thinking the same. To Beomgyu, his future was wrapped in his arms - breathing, living, and safe. 

However, the sight of Kai and Taehyun at the festival reminded you of the past. It’s odd to think back to the week after the fight; avoiding Beomgyu, who was once (and is) like a hearth, who at the time froze you over like a lake in winter.

“Y/N!” Your name echoed throughout the school halls you just tried to escape. It’s been a week since the fight and you’ve avoided every one except Taehyun, worried it’ll prompt a fight…maybe something worse. “Y/N!” The voice continued to call for you, until you were at the isolated spot of the school park and realised you couldn’t go too much farther. 

You took a breath, tired from your quick-rapid walking. Huffing, you turned around. “What?”

“Why have you been avoiding me again?” Beomgyu’s voice sounded like he was begging. Yes, sure, you walked to class with him and spent the rest of the day together the day of the fight. However, it was that night the realisation hit you; what exactly Beomgyu did. 

Sure, Ki-Hoon might’ve supplied the knife - but Beomgyu used it. Beomgyu had cut the ties between your group. The same group who you promised forever to. 

“I just…need a break.” You sighed and looked down at your hand. Beomgyu followed your line of sight, and immediately melted into the earth. The ring was gone; you left it at home until you got your thoughts sorted out. 

“From me? Us?” Beomgyu’s voice cracked.

You didn’t want to say that. You needed a break for yourself…to try and make sense of all this. You lost your lifelines, your anchors. “For me.” 

“Why?” The smallest movement he made towards you made you flinch. At the sight of your recoil, he retreated. “I won’t hurt you, you know?” 

How could you know? He never was the way he was last week before. What if it happens again? 

“Am I bad for you?” you asked, the words coming out before you can fully process what you said. “I mean, did I make you do that? Did I make you hit Soobin?” 

Beomgyu’s jaw dropped, his eyes wide. “No, no, not at all.” 

You could tell he was going to say something next, but you didn’t want to hear excuses or lies. “Because, if I did make you do…that, maybe we’re not meant to be. Maybe I’m like…a dark essence for you, or like…some toxic parasite!” 

“You make me better!” Beomgyu jumped in, now grasping onto your hands for his dear life as if your hands healed all wounds. “That was jealousy and anger and rage at Ki-Hoon, never never at you.” 

“Then why don’t you apologise?” 

Beomgyu shook his head. “It’s too late for that.” 

“It’s never too late.” 

“But it is,” he interjected. “Soobin has a crush on you. Forget what Ki-Hoon said, I know he did. Even as we started dating, you spent more time with him than me. It’s fair that I assumed that-” 

“Assumed I was cheating on you?” 

Beomgyu shook his head, “Assumed he was trying to take you away from me.” 

In all honesty, Beomgyu had no clue what came over him that day. It was like his eyes were foggy with dark clouds as deep whispers ran through his brain. Deep and husky, the voice wasn’t his own. Sounding like it bounced off the inside of his brain, echoing throughout, it wasn’t like any other thought he had. The voice seemed to have awoken the moment he got angry. 

To this day, Beomgyu is worried that seeing Soobin will only make that anger return. And with that anger came the voice. 

“Gyu-” With you using his nickname, Beomgyu felt a little piece of the fear of losing you chip away.

“Y/N,” he responded, now pulling your hands closer to his chest. His eyes pierced yours. You felt sincerity radiate from him; regret and adoration, fear and loss, guilt and most importantly - as much as you refuse to say this word until you mean it more than platonically- love. The feeling of his heartbeat through your palms was calming. “I adore you. And I know what I did was wrong, and I can't be more sorry. I want to apologise to Soobin, don’t get me wrong. I just…am not ready for it.” Every word felt heavy with truth. In another life, you may be doubting his words - but something about how you’re feeling lets you know you don’t have to be wary of him. “But, I am ready for you. I've always been ready for you.” 

His eyes were full of childlike honesty, yet the way he searched your eyes was as if trying to discover a new constellation in them. “I want to say I’m ready to be with you too, but what if it happens again?” 

“It won’t.” Beomgyu assured you, his hands now sliding to rest on his hips. A brief silence washed over you two; both of you staring into each other’s eyes as if they were sailboats during a stormy sea. “I first started to notice these feelings when we were eleven. Remember when I fell and hurt my ankle?” 

You nodded, rolling your eyes at the memory. It was something dumb. Long story short, the boys were trying out jousting and Beomgyu didn’t notice something that would scare the horse. Instead of lunging forward towards Soobin, he fell onto the ground - landing straight onto his ankle. 

“When you stayed by my side until the school apothecary came and told me just to walk it off. I remember how you fought them, saying to call your mom, because your mom knows best…that was the moment I realised I liked you more than a friend.” 

“But I wasn't overreacting!” At the mention of the memory, you were transported back. “Your ankle was literally swollen and bent and you couldn’t just walk it off!” Beomgyu chuckled; his thumb stroking the back of your hand as he smiled down at you. Your eyes lit up as you spoke angrily, the concern for an event that happened years ago evident on your face like it happened yesterday. 

His small giggle took you away from your anger and you immediately looked at your feet. One of his hands went to rest against your jaw - your hand going to lean into its warmth. “I don’t want to rush you. You take your time,” he sighed, “but I’ll wait for you. I’ve been waiting since I was eleven. I’d wait for a thousand lifetimes.” 

Your heart felt like it was beating wildly; growing in size. The distance between his face and yours soon became noticeable. You knew he said he’d wait…but you wanted to spend every moment until your last with him. The hesitance that you once felt succumbed to the warmth behind his words, the sincerity in his eyes. “I adore you.” You smiled, before closing the distance. 

When Beomgyu told his parents of the first kiss you two shared, he omitted the fight. 

“Wait, Yeonjun’s back?” Your boyfriend double-takes, making you follow his line of sight. Indeed, Yeonjun was there; truly looking like he’s from the city now. His previous discontent for spending time with the festival’s patrons could no longer be found. He seemed to be in his element; a glass of mead in his hand as he spoke to an elderly couple like they were….well, like they were you. 

Part of you was certain that he’d return. In that respect, you hoped you’d be among the first to know; that he’d come by, freshly off the carriage, and knock on your door. He probably has bigger worries, you resigned as you thought of all he must be up to in university. You wonder if he’s eaten today or if he found people he felt at home with. Maybe he even forgot about us. 

Of course, you weren’t surprised by his new affinity for people. From what you’ve heard from your parents, he’s in the top of his classes -  being called a ‘legendary student’, even the ‘it boy’. It was evident in how Mayor Choi would tell you updates as you would deliver his items; he never seemed as proud as he was now. 

Although at a distance, the city boy in him shone. He has built more muscle during his time away, and his usual colourful wardrobe has become darker. It’s what you’d imagine his father would wear if he was younger. Nevertheless, he looked fashionable. Yeonjun’s hair was now shorter; the bangs had a centre parting. You swear you could also see dangling earrings. He looks great. More confident. 

“Wow…” Beomgyu appeared to also be in awe of the change in front of him. “Do you think that’d suit me too?” He turned back to look at you again, his fingers pinching at his ear lobe. 

You smiled, imagining Beomgyu with piercings and immediately mentally fawned over the sight. “You’d look so good.” If you were still close, you were certain that Beomgyu would’ve followed Yeonjun and gotten the same piercings - maybe even more. Kai and Tae would be reluctant, but Taehyun would eventually get some. Soobin too. 

“Would you adore me more?” he teased, dragging you out of the fantasy. 

Falling forward, you let your forehead rest against his - interlocking your fingers. “I adore you too much already.” 

“That’s good,” Beomgyu smirked, “but I adore you more than you could ever adore me.” You rolled your eyes. Cheesy. If past-you saw yourself now, you were certain you’d cringe. “I’d burn the town down for you.” Groaning, you pulled away again - slapping Beomgyu’s shoulder. 

“You’re too extreme!” You laughed, making him chuckle as well. He looked at you with so much adoration; there was no doubt about that. Even as he fiddled with your fingers, his eyes gleamed as he looked at you and laughed. 

You were ignorant to the pair of eyes locked in on you two.

Within the crowds of people, you saw a blur of two people running around; chasing each other, laughing. The laughter was so familiar, you can identify it in seconds. It’s the same laugh that brought home to you when you felt mountains away. 

Soobin. 

Truly, it was a war against yourself. You didn’t want to look up, you didn’t want to be reminded of him - but it was an impossible feat. Yet his smile and happiness was so enchanting; you wanted to look. Even if it wasn’t you who was making him feel that way. 

After a month or two from the fight, you quickly noticed that Soobin had replaced you. The first time you noticed this was during one of your delivery runs; you entered the bakery and instead of Mrs. Choi, you saw another girl. When you first laid eyes on her, you found her stunning.

“Hi, hello…” you greeted softly, unsure if she was working at the bakery. Since Beomgyu has expressed disappointment in you spending time with Soobin, your visits to the bakery were rushed or planned to coincide for when Soobin was not there. “Is Mrs. Choi here?” 

The girl smiled gleefully; a smile that was so contagious you wanted to smile back. “Oh, no! She’s not, but I’m here. What is this?” It was clear this girl was new to town; not only from the fact you’ve never seen her before, but also the fact she didn’t know you were the milk deliverer. You quite literally go to everyone’s house. 

“Uh, it’s milk.” You lifted the crate in your hands up, “I come by every week with dairy products.” She continued to smile, despite your awkward disposition. 

She nodded and wiped her hands down on the apron. “Oh! Yes, sorry. Mrs. Choi told me to expect you.” The girl who stole your breath away stuck her arm out to you, “My name is Arin. I moved to Hybehead last week.”

You nodded, lifting your leg up to support the crate as your hand went to shake hers. “Y/N. Welcome around! How are you finding everything?” 

Arin let out a sigh of relief. “I’m just so blessed for Soobin. Do you know him?” 

How do I answer that? You know his obsession with bread and how he’d wink before biting his tongue when he wanted to act cute. You know how he chews in a permanent pout and how he shivers with his whole body when he eats something he dislikes. You remember how when he thinks, he rests his cheek into his palm; letting his cheeks bunch up. You remember how soft his cheeks were, and how comforting his presence was. You -

You looked up and Arin was waiting for your answer…and for the products. Placing the crate onto the counter, you copied her action from earlier and rubbed your hands on your long skirt. “Oh, uh, yeah.” You didn’t want to elaborate. 

“He’s really a saving grace, you know.” Arin spoke about him dreamily. “He immediately started to show me around and he showed me this beautiful spot in the forest and-” Whatever she said next was filtered out. The forest? Your spot? 

The air suddenly felt heavier. As you breath, it felt like you were swallowing oatmeal. “Oh, I have to go. It’s really lovely meeting you, Arin.”

At your sudden interruption, she looked confused; but the ever present gracious smile remained. She waved goodbye and thanked you. 

And you had to wonder if you ever mattered there.

From general gossip around town, you learnt Arin is a younger friend of Soobin’s older sister back from her days at university in the city. Specifically, Arin is the younger sister of her best friend. She came to Hybehead due to an invitation and ever since, stayed at the inn near the bakery for a little while. It was now common to see Soobin with her around town. 

Sitting with Beomgyu, your eyes were trained on Soobin and Arin. In the last year, Soobin had a humongous growth spurt - something that made him stand out as he wandered around the school halls (however, the same can be said about all of them; they all became giants). From afar, you could see Soobin’s hand graze Arin’s elbow gently, bringing it downwards. You couldn’t help but remember a few years back. 

 “Ready?” Soobin asked, his hand resting on your hip as you loaded the bow. 

“I’m not sure.” After a few hours of training now, Soobin was confident you could hit an apple from 20 metres away. 

He leaned forward from behind you, popping his head over your shoulder to make eye contact. You turned your head and he was millimetres away, but his eyes remained focused on yours. His grin was contagious, making you smile back at him - despite the fear of hitting a wandering animal overtaking you. “I believe in you.” 

The two of you stayed like that for a second; embracing the comfortable silence. 

“Take your stance.” Soobin instructed, coughing as he pulled away from his position. The hand that was previously on your waist was now checking your elbow, while his other hand wrapped around your hand that was gripping onto the bow for dear life. “See, already perfect.” His breath hit the back of your neck. “Now shoot!” 

And you did. 

Bullseye.

Well…ish. Obviously, a few hours wouldn’t have prepared you enough for this small target - but you chipped a significant portion of the apple off. 

“You did it!” Soobin exclaimed as the both of you jumped, his arms wrapping around your waist to spin you in circles as you laughed.

The memory felt like ages ago. It was from the time before Ki-Hoon entered your life. The ghost of Soobin’s memory disappeared; the invisible weight resting on your hand like it did that day. Your eyes lingered, and part of you felt guilty as Beomgyu continued to rant about something he saw earlier. Normally, you’d be so invested in his story; but you can’t stop staring at Soobin. 

It seemed like he could feel it. 

He looked up and caught your eye.

And then he looked away. 

No wave or nod; no acknowledgement of existence. 

If you weren’t you, you would’ve thought he merely locked eyes with a stranger. 

“Let’s go?” You tore your eyes away from his fleeing frame and saw your gorgeous boyfriend in front of you. He was staring up at the lanterns in the trees. Pressing your lips against his, the electric feeling awoke you from within.

Beomgyu’s doe eyes made their appearance, “Where?” 

“Our spot.” Flashes of the past slapped you in the face; the unwanted memories that once suffocated you pushed aside. It’s just me and Beomgyu now, you thought, until the end of the world. 

When Soobin made eye contact with you, it felt like the archery game was using his heart as the target. He wanted nothing more than to go over to you and talk about life, or invite you back to the bakery. Seeing you in love without him hurt him more than he could describe. Yet, Beomgyu seemed to be treating you well now. He saw how Beomgyu would pick you up after school or how from outside the bakery window, he’d occasionally see you two share kisses. 

“What are you looking at?” Arin sang, skipping back to Soobin who had stopped in his tracks. With a reply of a shrug, Arin already knew the answer. “Ah, I see.” In the last year of knowing Soobin, Arin had seen him as a blessing. In Arin’s heart, she wanted to do anything to alleviate Soobin’s pain for all that he’s done for her. Yet, she had no clue how. 

When she first came to Hybehead with the recommendation from Soobin’s sister, it was due to an incident that happened in their town. Specifically, a few days before her unplanned departure, the man who appeared to be in charge of the city’s rumour mill, caught her with her lover. While Bae Yoo-bin wasn’t identified herself (both of them were grateful for the fact he only saw the back of her head), everyone soon learnt of Arin’s ‘perverse’ preferences. To stop being harassed on the streets, Soobin’s sister recommended Hybehead as her escape; an understanding and quaint town. 

For the first few months, Soobin had watched Arin receive love letters with such excitement. It was a routine; Soobin would collect the mail for the bakery in the early morning as Arin slipped on her apron, ready for the day. He’d hand her the note and watch her tear open the envelope, giddy as she read the words in the letter.

“What’d she say this time?” Soobin inquired, leaning over the counter as Arin now prepares the tables for those eating their baked goods inside. 

“She said she’d come to visit next month.” Anyone can tell how elated Arin was from how her face brightened up the room. Every single customer even asked if there was a special day coming up. She would always answer; “more special than I could say.” 

That visit never happened. A day before her expected arrival, Arin received an invitation from the Bae family accompanied with a private letter from Binnie. I have been arranged to marry, the note said. I wish it were you at the end of the aisle. 

Soobin was there for Arin as she broke down in tears. He provided the comfort Arin swore she could never feel again. To Arin, Soobin saved her life. His family provided her a room to stay now that Soobin’s sister married herself to make sure she wouldn’t be alone. It was Soobin who’d hear her ramble at night, talking and reminiscing - sometimes imagining about the future- of the lover she had lost. 

Needless to say, Arin could relate to Soobin’s predicament - at least a little bit. Being forced to watch the one you love with another can bring upon the most misery; and misery loves company. 

“You’ll find someone else, Soobs.” 

Soobin shook his head. “It’s not just that…” His eyes returned to where he saw you and Beomgyu - but saw the seat empty now. He searched the crowd for you now, his hand went to play with the woven bracelet gifted to him a year ago. “I miss her and everyone and all of them. It’s not even that I want to be the one she thinks of all the time, it’s more that I want to hold her hand again - even just as friends.”

The older girl did a single curt nod, now focusing her vision on the ground. “And you’re scared?” 

Arin didn’t see my bruises, he remembered. He had a few bruises from Beomgyu’s sheer force. “I’m scared that I’ll mess things up again.” Ever since the fight, Soobin had retreated from friendships at school. It was a blessing when Arin came to Hybehead. She became his closest and only friend. When he’d be feeling lonely, Arin was always there to spend time with him. 

It’d be lying to say that Soobin has had a peaceful night of sleep since the fight. At night, questions of what if haunts his sleep. What if I had told you before Beomgyu did? What if I confessed? What if he never went in for a hug? Would you all still be friends? What if I never had feelings for Y/N? 

It doesn’t matter for much longer. Soobin will be graduating this year. He had decided to pursue culinary  business studies in Beliftham. It’ll be lonely being without Arin around, but he plans to just leave early in the morning and arrive home by the evening. Spending his days away from Hybehead ensures he won’t run into the two of you. 

He understands that Beomgyu was graduating the next year, but he was fairly certain that Beomgyu and you’d study at the local university and move in together. Thanks to his parents, he hears almost daily updates about all of you. He knows Taehyun has now progressed to be a leader of the Hye-Ji society and is projected to graduate at the top of his class. Kai, supposedly, has specifically excelled in learning other languages and is supposed to go on a trip during school break with the Mayor to help him translate. And when it comes to you and Beomgyu, he tunes out. His last update was that you two were looking for a small cottage to live in already.  

“I was a coward, right?” Arin could barely hear Soobin’s voice. “I made a mistake. That kid was right.” 

“What kid?” she immediately jumped in, as if the kid posed an immediate threat. Soobin waved it off. Afterall, it was last year and he was speaking the truth. “What kid?” Arin’s voice got harsher, as if she was going to kill someone right then and there. 

He decided to summarise what Ki-hoon had said. After all, these are the words that curse his every action. It’s the reason he’s too much of a coward to talk to his friends, to talk to Kai and Taehyun, to talk to you, to try and confront Beomgyu again. “Just a kid who said I’m not good enou-” 

Arin interrupted him. “No, never believe that. Never.” A light slap went to his wrist, “Soobin, you’re literally like a fallen angel. You are one of the best people I’ve ever met. I bet your friends can say the same.”

Then why am I not enough? Soobin wanted to ask, but instead he remained silent. In an attempt to change the discussion, he looked around for another activity for the two of them to do. Doing so, he spotted you and Beomgyu heading in the direction of the forest. 

“Let’s go sit down for a bit,” Soobin proposed, using a smile as a disguise. 

Four years later.

Returning to Hybehead at this time of year felt odd, Yeonjun had decided. A town that was so usually full of life suddenly felt cold and empty. Maybe it’s because of the time, Yeonjun had accidentally left three hours later than he was planning to. Consequently, once he arrived in Hybehead for the first time in four years, the first thing that greeted him was the comforting night sky. 

His lack of return over the last three years was a result of spotting the five of his friends dispersed in the crowd during his last Harvest Festival, still avoiding each other like the day he left. 

(Admittedly, it was considered blasphemous that he didn’t attend the next three Harvest Festivals - but when nothing happened to the crops, they decided only those relatives living in town are needed in attendance). 

It transported him back to it all. He distracted himself by networking and connecting with the older locals, doing everything he once hated but now loved - but the image of his family still broken up by a dumb boy destroyed his vision of home. Remembering the pain and anguish, he decided that he wouldn't come home until he finished college and was mentally healed. 

While he completed his course, he wasn’t certain about his last criteria.

In front of him was his new home; a small one bedroom cottage on the border of the town. It was a gift from his father; ‘an investment’. To Yeonjun, however, it was a sign of trust and a new life. Maybe now, I can finally fulfil my father’s footsteps, he hoped, at least to some degree. 

Jumping off the carriage, taking out his final crate, he thanked the rider and paid him his dues. Wiping his hands on his pants, he appreciated his new home. His father was supposed to welcome him in, but Yeonjun did mess up on his departure time and his father had to go into Beliftham early the next day. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. Immediately, he envisioned another life;

“I can’t believe you have that many boxes.” Taehyun would say, stifling his laugh as he unpacked his own room in their five-bedroom cottage. 

You would go around the corner, Beomgyu following close behind as you two found the entrance to your room. “What else were you expecting?” 

Kai would be in the other room, already having completed unpacking and now posing hypothetical situations to the group - keeping them entertained. “What if we had superpowers?” 

Soobin would scoff, tossing his final box to the side before walking to Kai’s room. “Been there, done that.” 

Beomgyu would playfully imitate Soobin’s serious voice, before immediately turning the attention back to Yeonjun. “Hey Kai! You should really use super strength to help the elderly!”

He remembers the last time he’s heard updates on all of you guys. Kai and Taehyun had finished school last week, both of them a whole semester early so they eagerly await the official graduation ceremony later this year. Soobin is in his last year of university, although he still resides in Hybehead. Meanwhile, you and Beomgyu are living with each other and attending the local school. Maybe I can reach out, he decided, we can all talk again. He dreamt of better days with you all; a dream that seems to have been mocking him for when he was at university. 

Opening the door - a portable candle in his hand, he spotted a few gifts by the front door. At the sight of them, he knew whose each was from. From his parents, bottles of soju. Soobin’s parents obviously provided the loaves of bread while yours gave a basket of fruits and vegetables. A woven blanket was gifted by Kai’s parents, while Taehyun’s parents left a series of books about the best leaders in history with a note saying ‘you’ll be in one of these soon enough’. On top of it all, Beomgyu’s parents left a large medal with a note from his parents engraved into it. 

While their children may have fallen apart, the parents remain united by a core similarity; their love for the six of you. To them, from all the time you spent together growing up, they saw everyone as one of their own. 

He looked around and smiled. This will be my home. These halls were made for new memories, a new life. Each wall was empty, reminding him of all the new things he could put up. Maybe I can start by putting up my diploma, he smiled. For the future, he hopes the walls will be covered like his childhood home; photos of family and loved ones, his future childrens’ drawings, and paintings of his accomplishments scattered until there’s barely any wall space. 

But that’s for tomorrow morning. Far too tired from his day-trip, all he wanted to do was lie down on his bed - one that he knew he already had from his father’s letter. Trudging forward, he admittedly got confused between the bathroom door and the bedroom; but once he saw his bed, he didn’t even strip down to change into pyjamas - he fell stomach first onto the bed (after putting the candle on the bedside table, of course). If his mother saw him do that, she’d be very disappointed; bringing all the dirt from outside to his place of sleep, but he could wash it tomorrow. 

Turning around to lie down on his back, he blew out the candle and let himself succumb to the sleep inducing darkness. The soft thumps of rain hitting the window accompanied by the melody of crickets was the only sounds he could -

Wait. 

Why was he hearing footsteps? 

Pit-pat, pit-pat. 

Yeonjun jumped up, desperately trying to reach for a match for his candle. I didn’t unpack. When he turned to face the source of the sound, he didn’t even need the light. The full moon from the window illuminated the back of the presence. 

With its haunting blue and green eyes, Yeonjun’s heart stopped. The cat left years ago. It makes no sense for him to be in there. The door was closed, nothing was open. He sat in silence, just staring at the cat who watched him back; sitting on the window sill as its tail sinisterly went back and forth, casting shadows around his room. 

“How…did you get in here?” he asked, knowing full well the cat couldn’t answer. 

Yet it did. 

The cat responded with a hiss, before jumping out the window. 

And for some reason, Yeonjun felt compelled to follow it.

“Did you realise…” you started, trailing off as you stared at the full moon illuminating your room from your bed. The full moon today felt especially hypnotising, as if there was a message that would appear the longer you stare at it. 

“What?” Beomgyu sat down next to you on the bed, pulling your back into his chest - anchoring you back to the present. “What’s on your mind?” His voice was heavy with exhaustion, a consequence of spending the whole day working alongside his father. Nevertheless, the kisses he pressed against your shoulder were light and feathery, as if you were fragile and about to break. It greatly contrasted from the calluses on his hand that rested on your shoulders, rough to the touch from all the hours he spends at the shop. 

You closed your eyes, relishing in his kisses. “It’s been six years since that night.” Reaching up, your hand went to grasp and fidget with your necklace. Your friend group may have broken the promise of forever, but you would never break this one. You were certain all of you wouldn’t. 

Mrs. Ho still hasn’t cracked the code to get the design out in her store. She was an intelligent woman, but as she told you one day; ‘I cannot make magic’. Her comment made you remember the conversation after that night. 

 “This has to be a coincidence,” Taehyun swore. 

“Bro-” Kai was gobsmacked, “we woke up with literal fantasy novel stuff, how else can you explain it? It has to be magic.” At the mention of magic, Yeonjun started to chuckle. “No, seriously though. Soobin, Taehyun - you also have older siblings, did they experience this?”

“Maybe it’s a delusion.” Taehyun simply shrugged. “Maybe we all imagined it.” 

Soobin, playing advocate for Kai, jumped in. “But our parents also saw it, like, they couldn’t have been deluded.” 

Beomgyu cut in, “Let’s listen to Kai and Soobin, they might be onto something.” You looked at Beomgyu, whose eyes had a glint to them. He has since confirmed that he was just entertaining the idea, although he doesn’t believe it - he isn’t opposed to them. 

“I mean,” Soobin shyly glanced around, “I don’t believe it, but hey - maybe.” He was stuttering, tripping over his words. “We have faced a lot of impossible things in the span of 24 hours so maybe magic could be real.” 

Kai took over once more, “All I’m saying is this cannot be explained by science, so something has to have done it.” 

“Let’s just say,” Yeonjun said, “it’s something weird and unexplainable.” He looked around at everyone - not wanting to start an argument or get too into the discussion. “We finally got rid of it, so let’s forget about it.” 

You had to stop yourself from chuckling.

(“It’s not magic,” you then told her. “Someone in another town did this, and I know for sure that they aren’t the best jeweller the world has ever seen.” Mrs. Ho raised a sceptical brow. “I know that because the best jeweller is here, right in front of me.”) 

Your boyfriend’s feathery kisses continued, although more spaced out as he spoke up. “Wow.” It was obvious he wasn’t as affected by that fact as you. Six years have gone by so fast. 

Staying in silence, you turned your head. Beomgyu responded to your movement by scooting backwards, giving you space to turn and face him. Once you did, you looked up at Beomgyu’s heavy eyelids and chuckled. “Let’s go to sleep, bear.” 

Eventually, you found yourself asleep - tucked under his arm. Unfortunately, Beomgyu now remains awake. 

The exhaustion that plagued his movements earlier now dissipated into the wind.

Your head was resting against his chest, moving up and down with his unsteady breath. That was the only thing keeping him calm; the fact you were there. You were in his arms, fast asleep, safe and sound. 

Something in the atmosphere felt heavy as if it had just finished raining, yet the dark clouds remained. While he managed to suppress how he was feeling earlier, the fact it has been six years since the event actually struck him quite deep. In all honesty, he wasn’t even sure why he hid the deep coil rumbling in his stomach. Alert, he had a feeling something was going to go wrong today. He felt it in his gut. 

His arms quickly went to tighten around your shoulders, encouraging you to unconsciously nuzzle into his chest more. You’re here, he reminded himself, and you’re not going to go anywhere tonight. 

For the last few weeks, Beomgyu has been working more closely with his father - especially as he decided to omit from partaking in full-time studies since he already has a secure job position. In this, he’s been hearing a lot of his father’s conversations. 

“I always thought it’d be all of them together.” Mr. Choi had commented. Soobin, Beomgyu, and your fathers stood away from the bench where Beomgyu was currently occupied. Unknowingly to them, they’re still quite in ear shot. “I can’t believe you were right though. I was certain it’d be Soobin and Y/N.” 

Beomgyu’s jaw clenched. You said he was insane for thinking Soobin had a crush on you. Were you lying to him? Did you enjoy having Soobin’s affection? 

Continuing to work on the new sword, he focused on the sparks flying from the metal rather than the anger sparking from within. “Soobin was quite in love with her, huh?” 

Mr. Choi chuckled, “Completely. I still think he loves her today.” Beomgyu tried to push himself away from their conversation, remembering what you’d always tell him. 

Variations of ‘I chose you’, ‘you won’t lose me’, ‘I’ll give you my everything’ - everything you ever told him was no longer enough. For the last week, it feels like everything he does is wrong or not enough for you. 

You were this beautiful woman. Why did you choose him? Excelling in healing, you could go anywhere and be with anyone. What did he do to deserve you, other than grow up with you? The answers you gave him, well…Beomgyu can’t help but wonder if it can be applied to Soobin as well. 

Beomgyu’s father laughed, “Why do you say that?” 

“I swear I see Soobin watching out for deliveries or waiting for someone to show up.” 

Your father chipped in, “I didn’t realise my daughter was such a heartbreaker.” 

Will you break his heart? What would he do without you by his side? 

Since he overheard that conversation, his thoughts have been more intrusive and invasive by day. When he sees you smile, he wonders who else could make you smile like that. Could Soobin make you smile wider?

 Admittedly, he’s trying to be more than enough for you; making food for when you come home, cleaning the house up, buying you a series of flowers everyday (leading to the pansies currently in the vase downstairs) but nothing he does ever feels enough. Soobin would do more. 

It’s no one’s fault but his own; his own insecurities eating up at him despite your constant and unwavering love for him. 

With the reminder that it's been six years, he remembers how it was Soobin who had held your hand. It was Soobin who you spent so many afternoons with, just the two of you. Part of him knew he couldn’t be too angry; you two weren’t dating yet, and the only person who knew of Beomgyu’s feelings was Kai. Yet that part was easily silenced by the fact that you and Soobin, despite you and Beomgyu dating, spent so much time together before the fight. From after school bakery shifts to consistently having lunch periods synced up, was it the universe telling Beomgyu it should be you and Soobin? Or was Soobin betraying him? 

Beomgyu startled forwards, sitting and heaving with anxiety. Frequently, Beomgyu would turn to you in times like this and you’d say the same reassurances that would make his heart flutter. But he couldn’t wake you up. He had a feeling Soobin wouldn’t out of respect for you, so why would he? 

He reluctantly removed his arms from around you. As much as he wanted nothing more than to have you in his arms until the world was ablaze, he needed to calm down. Tossing on a random jacket, he went downstairs to get a breath of fresh air. He didn’t want to risk you being annoyed or frustrated with his neediness (as if that could happen), so he was willing to face the brave night time wind. 

Instead, as soon as he opened his front door, he spotted a figure only a few feet away. Staring at the door, it appeared to be waiting for him. 

“What are you doing here?” Beomgyu cooed, wondering if the black cat in front of him was in need of food or water. “Do you need anything?” 

Of course, the cat didn’t respond. To be honest, the only features that Beomgyu could identify in the dark of the night was the black tail that wrapped around the empty air, and its mixed-colored eyes.  Wait…how common are these mixed-colored eyes? This couldn’t possibly be the same cat as from high school. 

Searching his brain for some facts that Taehyun must’ve given him about the prevalence of heterochromia, especially when Ki-Hoo…no, Beomgyu came out here to stop thinking about this all. He’d rather live in blissful ignorance than rehash out those experiences. 

Yet the two eyes that bore into Beomgyu’s suddenly disappeared, and the only proof a cat was there was the trail of paw prints that was slowly appearing in front of him. 

Beomgyu really wanted to go back to you, give you kisses, and fall asleep surrounding you. He wanted to wake up in the morning to your face, to your voice, to your giggles - heck, even to your complaints about waking up. 

Yet the footprints appeared to be calling for him. He didn’t know what he was doing or where he was going, it felt like his body was moving automatically - like a puppet being controlled by a ventriloquist. 

All he knew was that he was heading in the direction of the forest, following the paw prints that quickly vanished in the wind. 

Beomgyu. 

An ethereal voice seemed to fly through the wind, swirling around you - jostling you awake. Trembling and shivering an unusual amount, you felt cold to the bone. It must be the wind, you decided - your eyes landing on the culprit; your open window. 

It was odd though; it was never this cold. 

Closing your eyes, you reach your arm out to try and nuzzle your head into Beomgyu’s che- wait. 

As your hand touched the side of his bed, your fingers felt like ice. Meeting an empty side of the bed, your eyes went wide open. Almost as if it was magic, the moonlight took up Beomgyu’s absence. “Beomgyu?” Still heavy with sleep, you called for Beomgyu. “Beomgyu!” You threw your blanket off, your volume increasing as you woke up.

The wind whispers into your ear, ‘the forest’. You must be delusional. I’m tired, you reasoned, that’s why I’m hearing things. Beomgyu probably just got something to eat. Wandering around your small two-storey cottage, you looked everywhere for Beomgyu. Peeking in and out of every one of your few rooms, you have yet to find your boyfriend. 

It was when you saw his shoes, that are usually right next to yours, missing that you had admitted Beomgyu’s gone. Where could he be? He must be outside, getting a breath of air. Right? Beomgyu is an intelligent person; he wouldn’t have started exploring at night…right?

“The forest,” the wind whispers around as the moonlight seems to focus on a path in front of you, “go to the forest.” You don’t know what made you listen; the forest? At this time of night? However, the voice urged you forward - why else would you be thinking of the forest? 

Slipping on your own shoes and a jacket, you started to rush into the cold night. Even with the harsh winds, your worry for Beomgyu warmed you from the core. You knew the route to the forest like the back of the hand, however, you were unsure if this knowledge made the path more obvious or if the moon seemed to be lighting your way. 

Why didn’t Beomgyu wake me up? You thought as you navigate your way through the trees, blindly following the path in front of you. Over the last few weeks, Beomgyu had been waking up at night - sitting and staring straight out the window as if awoken by something just outside. He’d always dismiss it - ‘just a nightmare’ - but you always woke up and brought him back to bed. If a nightmare spooked him, why didn’t he wake you up? You would rather him do that than go into the forest alone at night. 

The leaves bristled from the wind, now finally alerting you of the shiver that is crawling up and down your spine. You pulled your jacket closer to your chest as you looked for any clue of Beomgyu in the dark night. 

“Y/N?” A voice broke through the darkness. You turned around. 

“Soobin?” Admittedly, you’ve seen Soobin around yet every time you laid eyes on him, you cannot deny that growing up did him well. “Taehyun?” Taehyun, instead of being the scrawny sixteen year old, is now eighteen - just graduated school. He had more muscles than you would’ve predicted him to get now. “Kai?” At the mention of his name, the now ginormous boy came over to you - wrapping his arms around you tightly. 

Finally calming down, your heart began to beat at its regular pace. “What are you doing here?” Kai asked, glancing around as if someone was listening. 

“I think Beomgyu came out here.” Soobin visibly tensed at the name of someone who used to be his best friend. 

Taehyun shook his head, “Something feels weird…like, not right.” Kai finally released you from his grasp, and the concern washed over the four of you. 

You were in front of a basically uninhabited forest. Around midnight. 

Sure, you camped here before - but you were prepared then. You had the materials and you had planned to be there at that time. 

The next gust of wind caused a branch to hit the ground. 

Everyone jumped. 

You found yourself clutching onto Soobin and Kai’s arms, as if it was like old times. Behind Soobin, Taehyun had accompanied you - also holding onto Soobin like a shield. 

After a second, the contact with Soobin burned your skin. Pulling apart, you glanced at the three boys before your eyes fixated on Soobin. “Why are you guys here?” 

Soobin didn’t answer, refusing to look you in the eye. Instead, Taehyun spoke up. “We all heard something. We bumped into each other on the way here.” 

“Come in,” a voice waltzed through the wind, waltzing into your thoughts. 

You looked back at the boys. “Did you hear that too?” They didn’t need to speak for them to confirm that they indeed did. It was their pale faces, a stricken expression that gave it all away. Even amongst the bustling of the trees and the crickets staking their claim, you could hear their teeth chattering. 

“They need you,” the voice sounded like liquidised silver; ethereal and heavenly as if not from this earth. “Come into the forest.” Whose they? Is it not just Beomgyu?

No one dared to move - no one even flinched. The air felt heavy, as if someone was pressing down on the atmosphere surrounding you - as if someone was taking the air out of your lungs. 

What felt like minutes passed, and Kai finally took a step forward. “I think they need us.” 

Wordlessly, Taehyun followed. Soobin started to take a step forward, but glanced backwards and saw you hesitate. Just like he used to, he held his arm out for you to take and it didn’t take you long to accept his support. 

It’s fine, you thought, Beomgyu is going to be fine. Instinctively, you walked faster - trying to be closer to Soobin. Despite the years apart, he still brought you the same amount of comfort as before. If Beomgyu wasn’t fine, I’d feel it - you were certain of it. 

The trek through the forest filled you with dread as you tried to fill yourself with hope, the silence only reminding you of the severity of the situation. You looked at the night sky - no stars in sight, and you were grateful that Soobin held onto your hand like his life depended on it.

The light broke through the darkness and among the still trees, your eyes landed upon Beomgyu. He wasn’t alone. At a closer glance, you recognized the person beside him to be Yeonjun. The two of them appeared to be frozen, standing at the edge of the clearing and staring as if they were hypnotised to whatever was in front of them. 

They didn’t even acknowledge the four of you when you approached, standing in line to see what they were seeing. Beomgyu didn’t even interlock his fingers with yours as you grabbed his hand. He didn’t even hold your hand back. 

In the midst of it all was a man. Right in the centre, the gusts of wind that seemed to leave the trees untouched circled him. His shadows seemed to suffocate his actual figure; bigger than what could ever be expected from the moon above him. 

“Finally.” He was curt. “You all came.” His voice seemed to surround you; echoing off the trees, travelling into town, and all the way back until it entered your ears and resonated throughout your brain. “Welcome to the new day.” 

Taehyun was the first to notice the eyes of the man in front of you. “Are you…” It couldn’t be…he’s too old. Why would he come back anyway? But it was like Taehyun knew something that all your eyes deceived you. “Ki-Hoon?”

A short, yet cocky snort followed, and suddenly he was walking towards you. Yet, he seemed stuck in his little barrier - as if restrained. So, he remained walking in small circles. His every footstep seemed to be a float or a glide in the air. “I guess you could say that.”  

At the vague confirmation, Soobin shivered. Beomgyu’s eyes narrowed. Yeonjun glared. Kai appeared lost. Taehyun stared in wonder. 

“I guess I go by many names.” He started to approach Taehyun now, “Ki-young, Ki-Chul, Ki-Hoon - but you can call me Ki.” If this Ki guy was noticing your odd glances at each other, he didn’t dare comment on it.

He couldn’t be. Ki-young was a man of legend, Ki-Chul was quite literally the reason for the dark ages. Ki-hoon, well, he was your age - and this man would be no less than 30 years old. 

“But, I guess I also go by a lot of faces,” he continued, now gliding over back to your end of the line. “A cat, a child, a man - but most importantly, I am a protector.” He locked his eyes with you. “A deity.” 

While four of the six of you were glancing back at each other as if ensuring you were all confused by this nonsense, Taehyun was trying to remember where he recognized him from - a store? Beliftham? A dream? 

On the other hand, Yeonjun was deeply unsettled. Something about him screamed at Yeonjun - something about him needing to run away, to hide - to disappear. It was unsettling, a shiver running up and down his skin as if spiders were crawling underneath. 

Ki smiled, the moonlight adding a sinister light. “The deity of chaos and order. I am what keeps the world in balance, I am what causes change, I am the power that the world needs.” He now stood in place, dead centre, yet the light that once was blinding now started to dim as shadows swallowed Ki. “I am the most powerful being in the universe now. The deities before had abandoned the humans, left them behind to fend for themselves.” His voice seemed to be distorted, more and more as he spoke. Deeper and louder, booming as if they were the same source as your own thoughts - he seemed to possess you. 

“I am fed by the belief of others, by disruption, by chaos, by change.” Dark mist started to appear, surrounding his feet. “I am the most powerful and infinite being in this world.” His eyes locked on Soobin. And then you. And then Beomgyu. And then all the way to Yeonjun. “And you all have the potential to be the same.” 

Yeonjun scoffed, unable to hide it. Taehyun, however, struggled to contain his laughter. While he may have previously ignored the strange looks shared between you all, Ki definitely didn’t appreciate the scoff. 

Easily angered, Ki continued. “The world has gone on too long without their deities, and look at it…Look at you.” His voice echoed throughout your brain. “You’re all so weak. The world is so weak! All because everyone stopped believing. There is an infinite amount of magic just at your fingertips.” 

Beomgyu jumped in, cynically. “How do you have powers if people stopped believing?” 

Taehyun also took advantage of Ki’s pause. “Magic doesn’t exist. What are you on about?”

Ignoring Beomgyu’s comment, Ki answered in his own way. In a flash of light, the man in front of you became the same boy that haunted your final years of school. Just like he was back then, he didn’t age a day. Was this all a trick of light? 

“Look at you all…” Ki-hoon…or Ki, or whoever he was…now escaped his little barrier - circling the six of you. “The six of you are among the most powerful in the world,” his eyes landed on Yeonjun, “especially you.” As he approached the eldest, Yeonjun physically tensed. 

Me? 

“Such a shame I have to call you my nephew.” Another flash of light and instead of Ki-Hoon, there was a black cat - one blue eye, one green. The same stray as before. The silence screamed. All you could hear was the paws of whatever was in front of you, digging into the wet mud, and returning to the spot in the centre of the clearing. 

When Yeonjun could finally trust his own voice, he spoke up. “Who even are you? What do you want from us?” 

Ki returned back to his previous form, however the dark mist rose from his feet to surround him as if a new layer of clothes. “I am Ki. Weren’t you listening earlier?” He cackled. “Your father was my brother.” 

“Was?” Yeonjun was quick to interject. His father is an only child. 

“Oh, Jum. Deity of Balance and Justice.” The man in front of you rolled his eyes. You can hear the venomous drip from his lips, as if mentioning the name was poisonous. “They don’t matter any more. They gave up on you, gave up on everyone.” He held his chin up high. “But you can stand in their place.” 

“Us?” Soobin asked. Each word that left your mouths were questions, completely and utterly dumbfounded by what was going on in front of you. For Kai, there was only one thought running through his mind; run. 

“I spent a lifetime looking for you all.” Ki smiled, now approaching you. His slender fingers reached out, grabbing the necklace you kept safely tucked under your shirt. “But when you took this off…you let me find you.” 

You shivered under his dark gaze and cold touch. It felt like ice. “That doesn’t answer the question. What do you even want from us?” You tried to move, but you felt frozen in place - as if the ground below you was quicksand and you couldn’t escape. As quicksand does, you try to sink into yourself - trying to take up as little space as possible as Ki breathed in your close proximity. 

“There’s a promise of a new world. One you can lead.” He watched all of you under a careful gaze as he backed up. “Humans cannot survive without us.” 

“Us?” 

He smirked. “You really don’t realise?” Glancing at Taehyun, he clicked his tongue. “I’d expect you to know already. Maybe through your dreams. Just like how I am certain you knew today would be coming.” 

And it was true. 

In his dreams, Taehyun saw flashes of the dark forest. He saw the same blue and green eyes. Interrupted with images of a sandstorm, of a cat, of Ki-hoon; he saw all of this coming in small incomprehensible flashes. 

“The son of Hye-Ji.” Ki smiled up at the sky, as if reminiscing past experiences. “The deity of knowledge and wisdom. Prided herself on foresight.” 

He glanced now at Soobin. “And you? The son of Won-Shik. Always so gentle. Of course, how else would the deity of love and family be?” 

Kai was his next target. “Oh and you look so much like your mother. Aera.” He approached Kai now, reaching forwards - his hand resting on Kai’s cheek in mock understanding. “Deity of youth, freedom, and luck. I can give you all the freedom you want. In this new world we’ll create together.” 

He turned to stare at you now, approaching slowly. “Kwang’s daughter.” Shaking his head slowly, he now stood in front of you. The dark mist that followed him was haunting him, following his every move. “The deity of humanity, of nature. A healer. It wasn’t a surprise to see you following in his footsteps.” 

And when his eyes landed on Beomgyu, it looked like he hit the jackpot. “And for our new world, for this world we can lead - you are essential.” Beomgyu’s eyes went from his feet to the man in front of him, staring straight into Ki’s mischievous eyes. “Your mother? Gi? She had the power to create and destroy anything, even different worlds.” 

“What do you mean destroy worlds?” Yeonjun jumped in. “What exactly do we have to do for this new world of yours?” 

Ki chuckled darkly. “We have to destroy this world first.” 

Silence filled the world. Even the gusts that now rustle the leaves went silent. 

It was clear he didn’t like this response. Maybe even expecting you all to burst with excitement. “I can turn you all into Gods. You could help your fellow man, you could-” 

In the corner of your eye, something flew towards Ki’s head - interrupting his monologue - and landed on the ground. A rock. No, no - not even a rock. A pebble. 

“If you were a God, why couldn’t you dodge that?” Kai defied. 

Ki rolled his eyes. “Throw another one then.” 

Kai looked taken aback, and like always, Taehyun appeared to be able to read his mind. “No, but then you’d expect it.” 

The three of them seemed to start to bicker; Kai and Taehyun versus Ki. Ki was arguing for them to let him continue speaking and he won’t know when they will throw, but Kai and Taehyun keep saying that he’s expecting it now; he’s overly cautious and-

“Enough!” Yeonjun commanded everyone, halting the bickering between the two young boys and… a thousand year old deity?  “Why should we believe you? Why should we listen? Why should we help?” 

It was clear he was becoming more and more annoyed. Ki rolled his eyes before growling. “You think I can’t give you power? I’ll show you real power.” Suddenly, the dark mist that accumulated around him seemed to build up - covering the whole forest with smog. “I’ll show you who you can be.”

As the dark mist built, the clouds above darkened - blocking out the midnight light. Lightning flashes in the distance, the world around you darkening. A rumble seemed to bellow from both the world below and the sky above. 

Suddenly, Yeonjun lunged forwards and tackled the grown man onto the ground. “Go!” he yelled, “Run home! Keep yourselves safe!” 

Your hand tightened around Beomgyu’s, squeezing and trying to nudge him to go with the others. “Go, Gyu!” you called. “I’ll get Yeonjun!” 

“Not you!” Beomgyu screamed over the increasingly louder winds that seemed to whistle into your ears. “You, you go home.” He glanced around, his eyes widening in fear. In the tornado that formed, Beomgyu’s hair was flying everywhere. “Leave with Soobin! I need you alive. I’ll help Yeonjun!” 

Before you could even protest, Beomgyu disappeared into the dark grey winds. You couldn’t hear your own voice as you called for him, the winds deafening you even from your own heartbroken wail. You wanted him to be safe. Not just outside the safety of the eye of the storm. You wanted both Beomgyu and Yeonjun to be safe. 

Yet, now…the dark mist became more compact. It seemed to make the outline of a person, rising and increasing in size every second. Amongst the whistle of the winds, you could hear Beomgyu and Yeonjun break through. 

“Leave!” they called. “We’ll find you later!” 

Later? 

If later can even be promised. 

Suddenly, the dark mist flew off of Ki’s body - launching whatever surrounded him several feet away. The wave of whatever that mist can be called…maybe energy…pushed everything back, as if another layer of gravity to fight through. 

“Leave?” Ki darkly chuckled, now floating in the air as the remnants of whatever energy he used surrounded you in clouds of dark smoke that left you all blind. He was larger now; light surrounding him. Dark black mist with what appears to be concentrated lightning flickers started to flood by your feet, as the wind made the trees sound like the ocean waves. “You want to leave?” 

You turned around, trying to find Beomgyu and Yeonjun among the clouds of smoke. Kai’s hand was still wrapped around your wrist, trying to tug you away. “They’ll make it out,” you know he’d say. But you didn’t want to risk their safety. 

“Okay. I’ll let you leave.” 

Wind started to surround you all, and the four of you immediately had to abandon your spot waiting for the other two. Instead, you now are holding onto the trees for your dear lives. 

You were the first to scream, “What’s happening?” 

“Do you really think we can fight someone with magic without magic?” Taehyun asked, his voice strained as he screamed over the hurricane. 

Through the clouds of dust, you could see Kai motioning for you to take off the necklaces.  

“Hello!” Soobin yelled. “We don’t even know how to use them!” 

Kai shrugged, “Trial and error!” 

“And error means death?!” You were genuinely in disbelief. But to be fair, you could die without trying anything at all as well. 

“How will being blind help?” Taehyun argued, snipping back as the wind became even stronger. Stress was overcoming you all. Is this the last time we’ll see each other? you thought. Will Beomgyu and Yeonjun make it out alive? How about Soobin? Or Kai and Taehyun? How much have I wanted to say that remains unsaid?

The wind became even stronger, which seemed impossible seconds ago. Leaves from the trees and soil overcome your view, being dragged around by the winds that are forcing you to plant your feet in the ground. 

You started to feel dizzy, hazy. Vision becoming unclear, your body starts to feel like it’s being drained of all its strength. Melting into the dirt, sinking into the ground - you felt yourself succumb to the land. “Now is a great time to find out!” 

And you were no longer there. 

You’re in the forest. 

Well, the forest without Ki. And your friends. 

Instead, you were alone…with a wolf. 

A snow white wolf appeared in front of you; as bright as the moon above. With its icy blue eyes and pointy teeth, you should be scared but a sense of overwhelming calmness took over instead. You can trust it. 

Thoughts that you couldn’t be certain were yours started taking over. As you crouched down and laid out your arms, letting the unknown wolf approach you on its own terms, the world around you started to change. 

The moment the snout of the wolf touched your hand, trees started sprouting from the ground. Within that instant, the magnetic blue eyes widened and started to turn away - only to turn back and motion to you to follow them. 

You didn’t know what else to do, so you did. 

You followed the wolf miles and miles as the trees around you built in an instant and immediately toppled in on themselves. You followed the wolf as if it grew up and knew the incoming labyrinth like muscle memory. 

Endless turns and small trips, you fell onto your knees - the mud adding weight to your shoes as you felt like you sunk into yourself. The white wolf, who despite the mud has remained clean, came up to you. 

“Run,” you heaved, letting the mud below you take over. 

Yet the wolf didn’t run. 

Instead, it howled at the moon. 

‘This is the end…’ you heard through the swift whispers of the wind. ‘You must not fall so easily.’ 

A single tree surrounded by a dark abyss of water. 

Taehyun was hanging onto a single branch, suspended over black liquid of an unknown depth looking like an endless pit that would swallow him whole. If he were to let go, the height of the tree alone would certainly kill him. 

Black ravens flew in circles above him, as if warning him of what's to come. Ravens mean death, Taehyun remembered and immediately felt gutted. The ravens cawed above him, echoing off each other. It was an endless loop of mockery. Let go, they taunted, you will have to let go. 

He tightened his grip on the ragged branch, ignoring the blistering and breaking of his skin. Taehyun resisted. No, he thought, I cannot let go. 

As if the world was out to get him, the tree started to shake violently like it was directly on a fault line. The birds, however, remained still. Their soulless stares seemed to send him a message; someone is going to die. 

Suddenly, the branch cracked. 

Taehyun held his breath. For a second, it felt like he was suspended in air - falling slowly into the deep dark unknown. He was helpless now. 

And without even a splash, the black water absorbed him. He was left blind, the water too dark to have any light - to allow any vision. 

‘Do not worry’, he heard a voice call out from above as he continued to sink. ‘You will have your sight.’

And as he fell through the tides of the unknown liquid, he felt himself disappear into smaller pieces; breaking away.  

Burning flooded Soobin’s senses. 

His throat felt dry while his lungs heaved. 

The world around him was ablaze, full of passionate fire. Surrounded by concrete pillars slowly burning to ash, the sky was a dark red as if the fire set the blue sky ablaze. Soobin recognized the place; it was the abandoned church. However, it looked like it was only built yesterday - despite the flames overtaking the marble columns and its ash falling like snow onto the ground. 

Tucked away in the corner, behind the debris, was a single wooden horse - rocking slowly with the wind. As Soobin observed it, a sharp pain filled his chest. 

Burning, Soobin’s necklace begged to be removed, scorching the skin underneath. Yet Soobin thought about the last time he removed it, remembering the ears that sprouted from his head. 

He couldn’t take it off. 

He promised you all. 

So instead, he took the chain and lifted it up - holding the marble inches away from his face. What used to be an opaque jewel was now see-through, revealing the flames that were on the other side. However, something caught his attention. 

A shadowed child-like figure sat on the horse - moving it back and forth. It radiated fear, loneliness.  

“Who are you?” Soobin’s rasped. “Why are you here?” 

Soobin started to move forward, sprinting; but, suddenly he crashed to the floor, debris accumulating at his feet. The sky snowed ash. Beneath him, the necklace shattered into pieces. Laughter rippled throughout the endless sky. 

‘We were never ashamed of you.’ Whispers from the ash that enveloped him in an almost warm hug. ‘You just had to figure it out yourselves first.’

Thousands of duplicates stared back at him as Kai looked through a vortex of mirrors. Trapped in a hallway, he couldn’t escape the menacing looks playing on his reflection’s face. 

The world above and beneath was pitch black. If he wasn’t standing, he would be certain that he was floating - that there was no ground here. 

Between his reflections and himself seemed to be a panel of glass. Words started to appear, random words and numbers that made no sense whatsoever seemed to be scribbled on by an invisible hand.

9.75, Dae, Kwang, Aera, Gi, Key, Liber, 5.53, Shin-geom. Words and numbers with no obvious relevance to him appeared to be written on the reflections quicker than Kai could even process. All in different texts, until he sees your names. In black writing; Huening Kai, Choi Soobin, Choi Beomgyu, and Kang Taehyun. In red? Yeonjun and your name. 

Suddenly, the reflection in front of him smirked. It reached forward, going through the glass as if it wasn’t there, and ripped off his necklace. The wings he had as a child appeared, almost immediately, and they were bigger than he could imagine. 

Were these wings always growing? 

His reflection ran away, and all the others did too. Compelled, Kai chased after the necklace thief - falling into the different mirrors. Running through the shattered glass, he felt no pain. The glass didn’t shatter nor cut his skin. He ran and ran, not feeling any recoil from the thousands of glasses he sprinted through. 

And then suddenly, his reflection disappeared. 

And he lost his footing.

And the ground he once swore he stood on never existed. 

‘It’ll all be clear soon’, he heard through the darkness. ‘You will make it clear.’

Sand was never something Yeonjun enjoyed. It got stuck everywhere.

Yeonjun, for sure, can contest that now. Walking up the dunes, he fought every time that his feet ducked under the sand. He fought the urge to let the sand take him over. 

Not only was the sand pulling him down, but it was blurring his vision. The harsh desert dunes were ravaged by the strong winds, lacing the granules into its path and throwing it everywhere; his eyes, his nose, his mouth, his throat. 

Guiding him throughout the maze was a pair of cat foot prints, disappearing and fading away every few seconds. The world trembled. Amongst the sound of the winds, he heard two whispers. Both with conflicting messages.

He’s unclear who the voices were talking to. Was it him or were they talking to each other? Were they warnings? Are they even real? Or is this all an illusion? 

Ki’s voice was clear. ‘This can be the beginning of our new nation’, his voice echoed.

The other voice was unfamiliar, yet so familiar at the same time. It was dainty, ethereal. As if a feather floating on the wind, it felt soft - yet there was an underlying power to it. 

‘Find the spear.’

Given that Ki led him here (and he would rather trust his darkest secret with his mother, who actively partakes in the town’s gossip, than listen to anything Ki says), Yeonjun chose to listen to the unidentified female voice instead. He couldn’t trust Ki’s voice. Never. He swore that he would never trust anything that could remotely remind him of Ki again. The argument returned; Yeonjun’s head aching as each of them yelled over each other. 

The sun was blazing and his feet ached,yet he followed the paw prints - trying to ignore the raging pain from his mind. He hoped that it was the female voice guiding him to the tool that he can only assume will be his saviour out of this place. With the wild winds, each step was a process. Every step he’d take required him to plant his feet deep into the sand, having to try and anchor himself to the ground. 

Suddenly, he found a spear stabbed into the middle of the land in front of him. At the sight, the ache and exhaustion he felt disappeared. Sprinting down the dune, he allowed himself to trip and fall over the sliding sand. Once he hit the plane, he made his way toward the weapon. 

The spear was a stunning silver; gleaming under the blaring sun. Any uncomfortable sensation of sweat that had accumulated on his back, nape, and forehead was worth it. 

‘Take the spear’, the female voice temporarily overpowered Ki’s, ‘you have the power to lead the way. You always have.’

It was when Yeonjun grabbed the spear that his mind became clear of the argument between the two entities. It was when his fingers clasped around the smooth metal that he felt power overfill him. He felt capable. It felt like everything was possible. 

A gurgling noise filled the world, shaking the ground as the sand started to rumble. If it weren’t for the spear in his grasp, Yeonjun would have been petrified. Instead, he turned to the source of the sound and lifted the spear with a surge of confidence. In the distance, he spotted a sand storm. 

However, it wasn’t a usual sand storm. Instead, in the middle of it all was a cat’s head with sharp teeth made out of sand, approaching him at an incredible speed. 

He didn’t even have enough time to process it when the spear went through, causing the sand to explode all around him. The spear fell to the ground. Though the sand filled his vision and he became blind to everything around him, he at least thought that he was out of harm’s way.

Until he felt an intense sensation across his neck and he was filled with shock.

Resounding throughout the dark cave, droplets of water dripped from the rock ceiling to the floor. The small drops piled up, creating puddles. Beomgyu must be careful not to slip. 

When he found himself here moments ago, he was lost and confused. He desperately searched for you, trying to ensure you were safe. It was when he got no response that he believed he was in the afterlife. 

And then suddenly, he heard your voice. 

Like a distant memory, your voice was faded - as if you were trying to crawl up from the depths of the cave. And like a machine, his feet ventured deeper into the cave, trying to get to you. 

He needed to get to you. 

Following through, watching out for every crack or crevice, he was at the end of the cave. It was a dead end, and you were nowhere in sight. Instead, in front of him was a closed blue box - simple with silver corners. Something about it called out to him, as if you were in that box - as if the answer to being with you and ensuring your safety was in that box.  

His fingers trembled as he reached forward and turned the key that was already in the lock. Once the box was opened, his heart stopped. 

Instead of a mirror, he saw some sort of…projection? It was like a painting made of light, yet three dimensional. If he stuck his hand out towards it, it would go right through. In this deception of light coming from the centre of the box, he saw you and Yeonjun. 

Dead. 

Surrounded by fire, the two of you were resting in flowers. 

The fear Beomgyu was feeling felt indescribable. He immediately was concerned for your safety. Is this what’s happening beyond the afterlife? Did Y/N die too? Will I see her here? How can I save her life? In his eyes, you had so much left to do - so much good left to give in the world. Yes, he’d want to spend the rest of his life with you and he wished he had more time, but he couldn’t handle it if your time was cut short too. 

What happened to you? He started thinking about what could’ve possibly occurred for you to be dead. Why didn’t the others protect you?

The image in front of him changed. Instead, this time he saw you with a ring on your wedding finger.  A ring so majestic it couldn’t have possibly been from this time. He’s seen nothing like it before. Despite the limited image, he knows it wasn’t a ring he gave you despite the bones of it looking the same. It was the same band as the one he had gifted you, so it must be the same. However, why does he get the feeling it wasn’t from him? 

It must be from Soobin. Anger filled him. It was Soobin who failed to protect you, but now you get a ring from someone likely to be him? Who else could it be but Soobin? Almost like he was transported back to school, he started shaking with anger. All he wanted to do was punch something, anything. Heck, even anyone. 

Once more, the image changed. Now it was you and Yeonjun, on the dark grey ground, surrounded by pools of blood - as if sustained an injury to the head. What happened? Why do the images keep changing? Why does it not look like this world? 

Whatever it was, Beomgyu started to suspect it was a vision from the future. Why does Y/N keep dying? Why can’t I protect her? Why can’t I protect Yeonjun? Why can’t I protect my friends? He thinks back to his previous anger. Why can’t Soobin protect them? A switch was turned in front of him. He must do something, anything, to protect you.

With his new drive, he felt a presence appear from behind him as the box closed shut. 

“Now you know what will happen.” Beomgyu turned around to find the source of the sudden voice. “What are you going to do about it?” Ki stood there, at the very back of the cave, smirking. From his place, Beomgyu noticed Ki’s fingertips appeared charred - as if rising from the flames. 

The young one shook his head. “This must be an illusion.” He turned away, glancing back at the closed box that haunted him with images of you. What else could be there? Although he refuses to accept Ki’s implication that what the box contained was the future, he couldn’t help but wonder what else it will show? Will he always be in your life? “This is just all a dream. All some sort of manipulation tactic.” 

Ki let out a pitiful sigh as he walked towards Beomgyu. “That’s where you’re wrong.” The charred fingers traced the sides of the box, trailing along as if trying to imprint the memory of the box into his skin. He snorts. “You’re more like me than you realise.” Ki looked up and stared straight through Beomgyu. His single blue eye haunted Beomgyu. “How long do you think until they realise that too?” 

“I am nothing like you!” he protested. 

The deity shook his head. “You have unlimited power at your fingers. You know what would happen now. If you help me, if you help my cause - you can make sure nothing ever happens to your loved ones.” Ki creeped closer, “Save Yeonjun. Save your family. Your friends. Save Y/N.” 

“Even if it was true, I don’t need your help. I have my friends; I have Yeonjun, Taehyun, Kai, Soob-.” 

“Impossible,” Ki scoffed. “You know, I am more than you could ever imagine. We are more than anyone could ever imagine.” He was aware that Beomgyu is still sceptical. Yet Ki could sense his turbulence, the dark matter and confusion and chaos and fear surrounding his target. Ki could literally smell it off of him. “You have the power to create and destroy worlds. You can create a world to protect everyone you’ve ever loved. You’re the son of Gi. The deity of creation and destruction. She was among the most powerful of them all.”  

Beomgyu took a step back. “And why should I trust you?” Overwhelmed, his voice was breathy and trembled. As much as Beomgyu would like to blame the cold of the cave, he felt the fear that resounded throughout his whole body. 

“Why should you trust the truth?” Ki responded sarcastically, reopening the box and turning around. As Ki walked forward, Beomgyu kept his eyes trained on the thousands of images that seemed to flash by. “If you don’t join me, Y/N will inevitably die a horrible death. And you? You won’t be able to stop it.” Once more, Ki turned around to face Beomgyu. “Of course, unless you choose to join me.”  From you in a royal gown to you in raggedy, aged clothes - the box always showed images of you dead. Your death was the only thing consistent. “You have the power to change the world, to protect all of your loved ones. If you don’t take this chance, her blood is on your hands.” 

Beomgyu remained silent, haunted by the images in front of him. He didn’t even notice Ki coming around him. 

“You know Soobin would take this offer in a heartbeat,” Ki whispered in his ear, “Unfortunately, Soobin doesn’t have your abilities. Otherwise, he’d be the best candidate.” 

Words bitter to hear, yet pushed Beomgyu. I am her boyfriend, he thought, I’d be the best person to save her. 

“Regardless, Soobin would still take the chance in the heartbeat - even if it means his ultimate doom. I guess you can’t say the same.” Every word Ki spewed was calculated and precise. “Yet only you and Yeonjun have the power to save her. To save everyone you’ve ever loved. Her death would be because of your weakness.” 

Then suddenly, Ki disappeared into black smoke and the cave started to topple into itself. 

And suddenly, all of you were back. As soon as you felt yourself return, your legs and body became numb - as if out of your control. They locked underneath you. In fact, it seemed like the boys also felt the same as you all fell onto the floor. 

Nevertheless, you let out a sigh of relief. 

Beside you, you feel Soobin’s presence - his hand grazing yours (although you spotted that like yours - and, well, everyone - his fingers looked as if they were burnt by flames). You hear Taehyun and Kai’s sighs of relief just by you. 

You look up. Through the clearing smog, Beomgyu was there, his head hung low - but there. Yeonjun too - his hand wrapped around his neck as he caught his breath. 

We’re alive, you felt a weight leave your shoulders, we’re all alive. 

Was that all a dream? Everything you’ve seen, everything you’ve experienced - it was impossible. It is impossible. There is no way this is real, the world felt hazy - almost unreal, as if through a daze -

The temporary relief was what it was; temporary. 

“Do you see all the power I hold?” He rose from the smog, hovering above the ground. “I can create worlds. You are capable of the same. Those necklaces you wear?” Ki reaches out and as if the air was magnetised, all your necklaces flew up - levitating in front of you. “They are chains, holding you captive as mere humans - keeping you imprisoned to this mortal coil. Your parents, both biological and adoptive, have always been ashamed of you and your powers.” The smog has now cleared and you looked around, trying to find an escape. 

Unfortunately, you spotted something else. 

Blood. So much blood. 

Yeonjun was injured. What you thought was him trying to catch his breath was instead him holding the wound on his neck. 

“Yeonjun!” you called, although your voice failed you. It was raspy as if you were in a home engulfed with smoke. Yet Ki seemed to hear you, and the others around you did too. Beomgyu, so attuned to you, even heard you from afar and sprinted to Yeonjun’s aid. Kai joined him. You, however, were frozen in place. Soobin and Taehyun remained next to you. 

Taehyun felt his heart skip. Beomgyu too. This is just like the vision told them. To Beomgyu, it only started to confirm his decision. To Taehyun, however, he felt frozen. What can I do? 

From your spot on the other side of the clearing, you shouted directions at Kai and Beomgyu. “Compress the bleeding! Hold something to it! Try and stop the bleeding!” 

“You really think your mediocre mortal medicine knowledge will save him?” Ki snorted. You felt like spiders were crawling up your spine. Smirking, Ki continued. “Let me help you reach your full potential.” He turned to face you, his eyes flickering with mischief. “Y/N.” As if he controlled gravity, he seemed to force you to hover - lifting you centimetres above the ground. “Daughter of Kwang, daughter of humanity and nature. You have the ability to heal. Take off your necklace. You can save Yeonjun.” 

Your feet returned to the ground, and as if possessed, you wrapped your hand around your necklace to take it off. It took everything in your willpower to try and restrain your hand, but it was as if someone else was in control. Fortunately, Soobin’s hand immediately wrapped around yours - stopping you. You looked into his eyes, and it was full of fear and distrust. 

“Y/N, no!” Beomgyu called, now standing up from Yeonjun’s aid. “Kai, come here. Please.” He strained, trying to make sure someone was beside Yeonjun as he went to stop you. 

Ki tsked. “This would have never happened if you joined my cause in the first place.” He puffed out air, smirking mischievously. “You all could’ve been gods but your lack of action condemned yourselves to death.” He made eye contact with all of you, but his eyes rested on Beomgyu’s. “At least, for the rest of you, you still have the chance. You still can become deities.” Ignorant to you, Ki mouthed a silent message to Beomgyu; ‘and save her’ 

The deity’s words still echo in your brain. You could save Yeonjun. With your hand lingering on the necklace. While Soobin’s hand is now gone, your internal debate was obvious to anyone paying attention. 

“Don’t trust him,” Taehyun muttered, still feeling uneasy from the world he was just stuck in. He saw you dead before in his previous dreams and in the world he was trapped in, he saw the signs of death. How could he know you’d be safe? 

At Taehyun’s words, Kai also turned to look at you. Like Yeonjun, your name was in red. Were you next? “Y/N.” He wanted to reach forward, to tear your hand off of the necklace - but he knew leaving Yeonjun’s side would only further endanger him. Your hopeless yet determined eyes met his terrified ones, and he hoped that would dissolve your need to take off your necklace. However, as you looked away, you saw Yeonjun’s copious amount of blood pooling around them - Beomgyu and Kai covered in it. There’s no way he could survive this naturally anymore, you thought. 

Noticing your trained eyes, Beomgyu grunted as he lifted Yeonjun’s almost lifeless body off of his legs. Sprinting to you, he wrapped his arms around you as soon as he was in your vicinity. Through a series of whispered soft protests (‘don’t do it, we could change the world and have him back’), you felt your heart drop. 

Was Beomgyu insinuating that you should join forces with Ki? You stepped back, far enough that you could look him in the face while his arms were still loosely wrapped around yours. Who was in front of you? Your boyfriend was stubborn and loud and nosey. It was hard to convince him to do most things. What happened to him now? You stared at him in shock. Did Beomgyu want to help Ki? What did Ki show him? 

Soobin and Taehyun, however, interrupted your shock and spoke with reason. “It could be a trap. He could be trying to wreak more havoc to increase his own power.” 

“He’s already dying, Y/N,” Taehyun muttered, refusing to look up. “It’s not worth losing the both of you.” As much as he wants to save them both, he doesn’t want to see one more person die. He can only assume the raven’s warning applied to more than just Yeonjun. He trembled with every small movement.  

Regardless of their attempts to stop you, your eyes refused to leave Yeonjun’s form. He was pale, left on the ground. You could easily find some herbs to ease the pain, however, these herbs cannot stop the wound from letting him bleed out. “Taehyun,” you croaked, “find some mandrake roots.” Taehyun didn’t move, waiting to watch your next move. “Now!” 

He’s never heard you scream like that. So he listened. 

Ultimately, you knew Taehyun was right. You knew he was already dying and he was too far gone for your saving. But you needed to try. 

You pushed Beomgyu off of you and shoved Soobin out of the way. 

Beomgyu immediately pushed back, stepping in front of you once more. “This is a fool’s errand!”

You felt rage accumulate in your chest. I can do something, you thought, Ki said I can. The reality that human medicine may not be enough is settling in. Sure, Ki may have proved his character as malicious and untrustworthy - but you study medicine and are considered a prodigy. You wouldn’t consider yourself gullible or weak-willed, so maybe Ki’s solution won’t harm you as much.  Maybe, just maybe, Ki’s solution - with as many harmful side effects that it may include - won’t impact you as much. 

“I can’t just stand here and let one of my best friends die!”

“And I can’t stand here and let the person I love die!” Beomgyu argued back. Soobin immediately stepped back, staring at his feet. The tall boy didn’t know what to do; he was in the crossfires of your argument. It was the first time Soobin had heard Beomgyu say the word love to you, outside of its previous platonic meaning. Obviously, Soobin hadn't heard much of what Beomgyu had said to you as your boyfriend. Hearing Beomgyu confess made the fact you weren’t Soobin’s partner even more evident. 

Beomgyu lowered his voice, now unable to be heard by Soobin. “Please. I can’t lose you. We can make a new world where Yeonjun is alive again. We can recreate all of this. You don’t need to risk your life or waste your time on medicine that will only fail.”

“I don’t want a recreation,” you spat, in disbelief that Beomgyu’s words only continue to imply he wants to join Ki. And he’s doubting your abilities? Yes, part of your subconscious agrees with him - even the most professional doctor in the world couldn’t save Yeonjun now- but only you can admit that. Beomgyu always believed in you, so why not now? “I want Yeonjun. As he is. As he is here, in this world.” 

You glanced at Ki, “Whatever he said or did to you-” Your tone was accusatory, knowing full well this isn’t Beomgyu talking, “-you aren’t the Beomgyu I fell in love with.” You stepped back, ignoring how your heart stung at the sight of Beomgyu with his sad doe eyes and deflated demeanour. 

Escaping from Beomgyu’s proximity, you ran to where Kai is now wrapping a piece of torn cloth from his shirt to Yeonjun’s neck, trying to stop the blood loss. It was already far too much than you could even deal with. The cut went across his carotid artery and jugular vein, that was clear by the fact Yeonjun had yet to speak and struggled to breath. 

You weren’t dumb. After all, you were a prodigy in apothecary studies. In your few years of experience, some people started calling you a miracle worker. But Beomgyu was right, Ki was right, and ultimately - you knew the truth. There was nothing that could be done on the mortal plane to save Yeonjun now. I need a miracle. If Ki was right about you having powers, then maybe he can help. If he was wrong, there would be no further harm done. You’d still lose one of your best friends who is integral in your life. Believing him only had a possibility of saving Yeonjun, right? 

It’s better than having Yeonjun bleed out and die. It’s better than doing nothing. If there is a chance Ki was right, and you were able to save him but you didn’t, you don’t know what you’d do. 

So you admitted defeat and took off your necklace. “What do I do now?” All around you, your friends either showed or spoke their obvious desire for you to put your necklace back on. Kai with his doe eyes, Taehyun with his agape mouth, Soobin and Beomgyu both repeating for you to stop - but you couldn’t care less. You couldn’t let Yeonjun die. 

An evil smirk played along Ki’s lips. “Press your hands against the injury.” 

“Y/N, don’t!” Beomgyu called, now hesitant to step too close to you. You ignored his calls. 

“Now, close your eyes.” You listened to Ki’s instructions. Due to this, you couldn't see the silent plea Beomgyu sent Soobin to stop you. Surely, you’d listen to Soobin - right? If not Beomgyu, Soobin? You always did trust and listened to Soobin as a voice of reason when you guys would all hang out. “Imagine the injury in your brain, picture it.” The feeling of the warm, red liquid leaking onto your hands was one you could never forget; your friend’s blood coated you. “Now repeat what I say.” 

Soobin was too late when he got to you. By the time his hand rested on your shoulders, desperate to pull you onto your feet, you had already been enchanted by the words in a foreign tongue. The words were like a melody from a lullaby, as if this language has been something you’ve always known. It was nothing you have ever heard or read before, yet you didn’t struggle at all with the pronunciation.

Beomgyu’s voice was uncertain, quiet as he turned to Taehyun. “What language is that?” The younger one shook his head, feeling helpless. This is what the vision meant. Taehyun was petrified. He couldn’t lose you two. Chills ran through his body. He wanted to move but he felt frozen. “Taehyun?” 

“I…don’t know.” Those three words were how Beomgyu knew everything was wrong. Taehyun always knew, and if he didn’t, it would come to him naturally as he learned. 

You opened your eyes. Trembling, you felt no control over your body - like you were about to combust. “Why isn’t it working?” you wailed, ignoring the fact that tears are streaming down your face. “Why isn’t Yeonjun awake? He has no pulse!” 

Ki grinned. “You should have helped earlier. If you had just listened to me earlier, he would still be alive” 

“I did listen to you!” you screamed, now standing up on your feet. Tears were falling from your face, it was out of your control now. Everything was. Soobin - who was supporting you - took the chance to hold your hand, instinctively trying to comfort you. His grip was loose, yet you immediately reciprocated, tightening the hold as you continued to yell. “Let me save Yeonjun! Please, I’ll do anything!” Soobin couldn’t ignore the feeling of you trembling. You couldn’t either. It was quite literally like you had embodied an earthquake. 

Almost like a whisper in your ear, you heard a voice. It’s too late, Ki’s whisper felt turbulent - as if you just caught the whiff of poison. You already took more than you can handle. 

And just like that, your throat became dry. The ability to speak seemed to be ripped out of your throat and tossed to the side. What do you mean? you wanted to ask, but you couldn’t. And before you knew it, the world faded to black. 

When your body collapsed onto Soobin’s lap, he thought it was just exhaustion. The other boys may have rushed forward to check on you as soon as you fell, but they also assumed it was just exhaustion - a temporary spell. Maybe Ki sent you back to the other dimension. Was this what we were like when we were there? 

But when Beomgyu pressed his hand against your heart and felt no pulse, he felt his stomach drop. It wasn’t exhaustion. Your head still remaining in Soobin’s lap, Beomgyu kneeled beside you - pressing his lips to yours and breathed into your mouth. He swore you taught him how to resuscitate someone before. Resting his hands on your heart, pressing up and down, he tried everything he could. 

Soobin felt frozen in place. Your hand was still locked in his. The cold metal on your finger seemed to match the temperature of your body. You’re gone. What a weird sight. Someone who used to be his whole world is dead, in his arms. His other best friend is next to him, surrounded by his own blood. Hell, the blood on your fingers had left its mark on his own hand. I never got to say what I wanted to tell her, he thought, I never told her I loved her. We never had one last good day, one last proper goodbye. He sees Beomgyu desperately pounding at your chest. His heart burned for him. Based off the tears blurring Beomgyu’s eyes and his agonizing shrieks (ones Soobin is too shocked to even let out), Soobin can tell he is going to forget about the ring on your finger. He would want it, Soobin decided before slipping off the ring, I’ll give it to him later. 

On the other hand, Taehyun felt depleted. He had an idea this was going to happen, why couldn’t he stop it? Why did he let Ki into their lives in the first place? Would this have happened if he never introduced Ki-Hoon to them? Endless regrets hit Taehyun like a tidal wave, blowing him over as he struggled to come up for air. Now, he’s surrounded by the blood of his best friends and is left filled with regret and guilt. 

Kai, however, took over for Beomgyu and kept pushing on your chest. If I could start her heart again, he was determined, she could live. She didn’t lose blood. She could live. He pushed and pushed, trying all that he could to just get you to blink, to breathe, to call him an idiot, to do something again. 

“Your effort is truly commendable.” Ki’s voice echoed throughout the land, breaking through the silent shock that overwhelmed the four boys. “But you should stop before you get even more hurt.” 

Kai stopped beating at your chest, halting his efforts. “What did you do?” he croaked. From his limited time in listening to you talk about what you learnt about the human body with you, he knew body temperature didn’t decrease that fast naturally. Your skin doesn’t lose colour that fast when you die, especially when there wasn’t any blood leaking. “What happened?” 

“She didn’t understand how to use her powers,” Ki said simply, as if it was the most basic knowledge in the world. “The magic was too draining. It depleted her and Yeonjun. It was too big of a job to do on the first try. That is why you need to work with me, that is why we need a new world. You can restart, you can become masters of your crafts, you can save your friends.”

Beomgyu stood up, his eyes dark and face red. “What you said earlier.” He was resolute; that was something clear to all of them. Taehyun looked up at him in worry. What is Beomgyu going to do? “I’ll join you. If you promise the lives of my loved ones will be safe.” 

Soobin was slow to react. “What he said earlier?” 

“You said I could save her.” Beomgyu stood tall now, almost as if trying to be bigger than Ki. “You said I could save them. Let me.” Ki raised his eyebrow, eyeing Beomgyu. “I’ll join you.”

Ki grinned and motioned for Beomgyu to come forward. 

“Beomgyu, no,” Taehyun and Kai quickly interjected. “Y/N wouldn’t want you too.” 

Beomgyu turned to them, his eyes turned into slits as he glared. “You don’t know what she would have wanted! You weren’t with her for the last five years! She’s dead. She would have wanted to be alive. At least, in another world - she’d be alive to tell us!” 

Pure unfiltered rage for the people he felt abandoned by for the last five years took over him. If they were truly his and your friends, they would’ve still reached out over the last five years. They would care more now. They would accept Ki’s offer. They abandoned you, and they’re abandoning you now. 

“Any other takers?” Ki grinned, already having obtained one of the two key people he needed. He lost the other, but he can make do. 

“Never,” Kai growled. 

“You don’t see the value of me, the value of our roles,” Ki sighed patronisingly, as if he had explained the most simplest concept a hundred times already. “Why would deities exist in the first place? We are the protectors of humans. By not joining me, you are abandoning them.” 

“I don’t think the world would want you,” Taehyun spat. 

Ki rolled his eyes and turned around, facing away from them all. “They may not want me, but they need me.” 

As Ki started on his departure with Beomgyu in tow, the whole forest engulfed in flames. The four of them were surrounded by fire, trapped in the centre, underneath the cold midnight moon that only reminded them of two things. 

They’re alone. 

And they don’t know what’s going to happen next. 

Most of what is left around them is ash. 

The trees still stand tall, but the grass is charred.  A circle of ash surrounds them as they sit next to your corpses. 

It was now morning again. The sky was an orange, placing a layer of false comfort as the hue dawned on all of them, embracing them all in its warmth. Nevertheless, they still felt cold. Soobin wishes he was asleep and that he will wake up to find it was all a dream. It needs to be, he begged no one in particular. 

“A pansy,” Taehyun commented through a cracked voice, a tear dripping down his face as he watched Soobin place the last flower surrounding the two of your ashen bodies. “It means remembrance.” 

You sighed, running your hand through its petals. “They look fresh. I might bring them with me.” Taehyun chuckles as you admire it, about to turn around and go back to observing the stones. “Wait, Taehyun -” You called, stopping him in his place. Playfully, you handed out one of the flowers. “So you’ll remember me.” 

Taehyun rolled his eyes, chuckling. “As if it’s possible.” Despite his snarkiness, he placed the flower in his bag. “In fact, I want to do the opposite. Now, come on, let’s go closer.” 

I always want to remember you, Taehyun thought - still partially expecting either one of you to move, to speak, to say something. He wanted you to open your eyes and ask him about his cult, or Yeonjun to tease him for his height. He wanted you both to just be alive.

It was Kai’s idea to cover the two of you in flowers. ‘For all the events we missed’, he said - remembering the bouquets they failed to get for each graduation, each birthday, each anniversary. Coincidentally, the usually diverse flowers around you appeared to be only pansies today. Creating a crown for both your heads, they laid your bodies to rest on the dirt; protected with layers of flowers. In a way, the flowers shielded them from the sight of your pale and limp bodies - both lifeless and diminished. The flowers also disguised Yeonjun’s blood that stained Yeonjun’s clothes, your hands, and all of their limbs. 

It was already too much, Soobin commiserated as he held your limp hand in his - wishing that it’ll tighten around his hand like before. His heart felt heavy, impossibly so. He felt grounded into the spot next to you and Yeonjun, unable to move as his heart anchored him in his place. Part of him wishes the ground next to you consumes him so that he’ll be forever by your side.  

With Beomgyu’s betrayal and your deaths, the fear Soobin has for the future was immaculate. Life without you was scary enough, but now life with Beomgyu collaborating with Ki? Soobin knows there’s still more to come. Yet he couldn’t even fathom what could be worse than this.

He feels suspended in time; unsure of what is next. For the past is filled with painful reminders now. For he will no longer be able to experience your laughs and Yeonjun’s support, but the future is filled with uncertainty. What would Beomgyu do? Soobin is already dreading having to tell your parents of your demise. 

Kai was normally never a fan of silence. He would rather sit in a crowded room to study than a silent library. But he took comfort in the silence. If a conversation strikes up, he’s worried he’ll look to you or Yeonjun for your contributions. Yet the silence also was a reminder of your absence. 

“Do you remember when we would be in Yeonjun’s house and he’d tell these stories?” Kai asked through his stuffy nose, ignoring the nausea gnawing away at his stomach. 

Taehyun chuckled, attempting to wipe at his bloodshot eyes to make the tears disappear.  “And Y/N would always be the damsel in distress with Beomgyu as her knight,” he added, smiling sadly at the memory. 

Sure, it may have always been Beomgyu but Soobin doesn’t care. Soobin wanted you. Here. Alive. Even if it means not speaking to you or not being amicable, he wanted you alive. He wanted to see you happy. Even if from afar. 

“Or do you remember her first official bread she made?” Kai added. Soobin couldn’t trust his voice, nor did he feel like talking; his mouth felt dry and his body felt limp. He no longer had control over himself. His head was screaming but his body remained still. 

Mentally, he tried to will your figure to move; tried to will Yeonjun to move. As if his thoughts alone could bring you two back to life, he screamed internally - wake up! Get up! - but each second that passed broke his heart even more. 

Taehyun smiled ruefully. “Don’t forget how Yeonjun immediately messed his bread up.” 

Death is strange. A day ago, Yeonjun had just arrived with his whole future laid out in front of him. A degree in his hand, he was prepared to lead the city to new and better directions. You had just been there, about to finish university. Both of you were there and alive. Now, all that is gone. 

In part, the three of them understood Beomgyu’s decision. Not only did Beomgyu make Ki promise their and their family’s protection, but he wanted to create a world for you two to live in. Yet, the three of them knew that neither of you wanted your lives to be the reason that the rest of the world was destroyed. 

“I wish we were more prepared” Soobin finally spoke up, yet his voice was fragile. His eyes, however, planted itself on your ring resting on the palm of his hand. 

Taehyun looked at the ground. “It’d take a thousand lifetimes to have prepared for that.” 

Suddenly, their visions went white. At the sudden blindness, Taehyun reaches for his necklace, trying to remember if he took it off - it was still there. What is happening? 

Soobin, however, recognized the voice. It was the same voice from years ago. The same voice that awoke him from his slumber, telling him to never take the necklaces off. 

“A thousand lifetimes you’ll get.” 

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Mother’s Day Drabbles

Pairing: Angel Reyes x Black!Reader, Miguel Galindo x Black!Reader, EZ Reyes x Black!Reader, Obispo Losa x Black!Reader

Summary: Four drabbles with my four favorite men from Mayans MC commemorating Mother’s Day with their loves.

Warning(s): Grief, loss of a child in the last drabble (sorry to my bishop girls) but the other ones are all fluffy goodness

Word count: 1,545

AN: It’s almost Father’s Day so y’know what sounds good? Reading some EXTREMELY late Mother’s Day drabbles!! lol. I haven’t posted anything in so long and these were in the drafts so here we are. Enjoy these random ideas that popped into my head. Trying to force myself to get into shorter form writing like drabbles and headcanons. As always, questions, comments, and concerns are welcomed. Happy reading! xo

Breakfast in bed - Angel (fluff)

“Daddy shhh! You gots ta be quiet.”

“Lo siento princesa.”

You fought to keep your eyes shut and not smile as they tried and failed at surprising you. You wouldn’t ruin their efforts so you just listened as they came into the bedroom and something was set on your nightstand.

It was silent for a moment before a ball of energy landed firmly on top of you, knocking the wind out of you and fully waking you up.

“Good morning mommy. I made you breakfast in bed.” Your beautiful little girl told you once she saw your eyes open.

A throat cleared and your eyes connected with your husband’s.

“Oh, Daddy helped too.” She added, getting comfortable in your lap as you sat up against your headboard and adjusted the bonnet on your head.

“Oh he did? Well thanks for helping Daddy.” You teased, as he took a seat on the bed next to you.

“Anything for you. Happy Mother’s Day.” Angel leaned in and kissed you on the lips once, twice, three times. The last peck lingered a little too long and the princess was not amused.

“Let her eat! The food is gonna get cold.” She grumbled, and you broke down in giggles. That daughter of yours was a sass machine and she stayed on her daddy’s head. He loved every bit of it.

“Okay, okay.” He relented, a grin on his face. Anything for his girls.

Coming home to a spotless clean house - Miguel (fluff)

As your driver pulled into the driveway of your large home, she sighed knowing your day had only just become. After a full day of work, she knew as soon as you stepped foot in the house you would need to pick up after the kids from their time running the nanny ragged. Then, you’d have to get dinner cooked before wrangling the kids to eat, bathe, and then sleep. No clue if you’d see your husband or if he was having a late night.

You loved your life. You loved your family. Sometimes things could just be a little tiring. But you put that smile on your face and you made your way into the house.

The quiet was the first thing to hit and surprise you. Your home was never this quiet at this time of day. You slowly walked further into the house, your nose guiding you to the kitchen where a delicious aroma caught your attention. As you rounded the corner, you were shocked to see your husband standing at the stove.

“Miguel?” You asked, confused at his presence and the state of the house. Everything was clean and put away. He was at home at a decent time and not off somewhere handling business. Something was going on.

“Hello mi amor.” He walked closer to you before grabbing your face and kissing your lips. You’d missed him today so you added a little pressure to the kiss, but it didn’t last long as there was a burning question on your mind.

“What’s going on? Where are the kids?” You asked, head swiveling, as soon as you ended the kiss, to see if you could spot them. You didn’t even notice Miguel maneuvering you onto one of the kitchen stools.

“The kids are in their rooms, dinner is cooking, the house is clean and you are going to enjoy this chardonnay I bought for you.” He handed you a glass and you took it without complaint. A sweet smile spread across your lips as you realized he did all of this for you.

“You do so many wonderful things for this family. I want you to enjoy your night to yourself. I will handle putting the children to bed and you will relax for the night. Your dinner should be done by the time I get back downstairs but in the meantime, I know you’ve been wanting to catch up on the new season of A Black Lady Sketch Show. It’s queued up in the living room.”

A kid wrangling free night? Your favorite tv show and wine? He already bought you everything you could ask for but this? This is so much better than any present he could have come up with. “How did I get so lucky?” You pondered, a dreamy smile on your face.

“I ask myself the same question every day. Happy Mother’s Day.” He replied, kissing you again before going to fulfill his promise.

Spa day for expectant mom - EZ (fluff)

Knowing what comes with being pregnant and actually experiencing the symptoms are two very different things. You don’t wanna say you underestimated things, but you were in the middle of your third trimester and you weren’t handling things very well.

“EZ!! EZEKIEL!” You hollered for him, from where you sat propped up on the couch. Your back was killing you, you couldn’t see your feet but you knew they were a hot mess, and you just generally felt uncomfortable. You knew it would all be worth it in the end, but the end was taking too damn long to get here.

Your boyfriend had been incredibly understanding of your constant mood swings. When you first told him you were pregnant, he went out and bought a bunch of pregnancy books. He was always reading one that first trimester. Angel would tease him and say he could just google everything, but EZ had always preferred having physical copies of text. He wanted to know everything you’d go through so he could help you deal with it.

You call him now and he doesn’t respond. You grow annoyed, but also slightly concerned because he never doesn’t answer you.

It took several tries but you manage to get yourself off the couch and head back towards your bedroom. When you push the door open, a wide smile breaks out on your face. The lights in the room were dimmed and your favorite candles were lit, bathing the room in a soothing scent. Songs from your ‘self care day’ playlist filled the otherwise silent air. On the bed was the biggest, fluffiest robe you’d ever seen in your life. There was also a basket filled with goodies including face masks, different color nail polish, massage oil, and your favorite snacks.

“What is all of this?” You asked your boyfriend who had almost as big a smile on his face as you did.

“You didn’t seriously think I’d just let your first Mother's Day go by with no acknowledgment, did you?”

You blinked somewhat in surprise. “I...I mean yeah I guess. My first Mother’s Day is next year. Baby Reyes isn’t even here yet.”

“So? You’re carrying our child. You gonna let me spoil you or you gonna keep making excuses why I can’t?” He asked, his eyebrow raised and a sly smirk on his face.

“Spoil away then.” You grinned, holding out a hand for him to take before pampering you for the rest of the night.

Cuddles - Bishop (angst, heed the tw up top please)

The ray from the television was the only light source illuminating the living room. You were laying on your side on the couch, eyes on the tv but not truly paying attention to it. The light from the tv reflected off the tear stains left in her cheeks.

Bishop came back from dealing with club stuff and leaned on the doorway just watching you. He knew it was a rough day for you. Everyday was hard, but today was especially hurtful. He’d be feeling the same way just next month.

He placed his kutte onto the armchair and slipped off his shoes before climbing over you. You jumped a little at his presence but he just gently nudged you up so he could squeeze between you and the back of the couch.

One arm slid under your head and the other rested on your waist as he settled in. The hand on your waist reached out and gently ran a thumb over the little face in the picture frame you held tightly in your hands.

“Our sweet boy.” He whispered, a sad smile on his face.

Your breath hitched and your shoulders began to shake as you silently cried. You missed him so much. The whole day you stayed inside hoping to avoid all the mother celebrations, but that didn’t help. The hurt ran deep and no amount of avoidance could stop it. This day was a special slap in the face and every year the last three years have been spent like this.

Bishop curled the arm under your head until his elbow laid on your clavicle. He wrapped his other arm around your waist and pulled you tight against him.

“You’ll always be his mother. That love is forever.” He softly but firmly stated before pecking your shoulder over and over.

You released a breath you didn’t realize you were holding in at the feel of him squeezing you tightly. It was comforting. He was always holding you together. He understood your pain and even though it hurt worse some days than others, you knew you had to continue on.

But for right now, you would cry in your man’s arms and hope next year went better.

[theasstour]

𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬.

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 𝟏𝟎.𝟏𝐤 𝐍𝐁: 𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥, 𝐚𝐧𝐱𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫, 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭

Monday, 25 September 2017

It was strange to Y/N that she was enjoying herself as much as she was just then in an educational setting. In school, she had never really liked any of the subjects besides English, and here at uni, she got to sit and listen to professors who were truly experts on English literature ramble on about Othello and specific analysis on act 3 scene 3. She loved every single second of it, and was sure she could sit there for hours on end just listening to her professors. At one point she was sure this would all get tiring and she’d hate University, but in that moment, hearing her professor, Richard, talk about things that truly interested her, was such a breath of fresh air compared to what she had experienced previously.

The door to the lecture hall opened, and since the doors were right by the blackboard where Richard stood talking about Othello and the ‘temptation’ scene, all eyes landed on the blonde girl in pink shorts and a white jumper. She smiled at Richard, mouthing a “sorry” before taking the first free seat she could find, which was conveniently right beside Y/N. The two girls shared a small smile themselves before Y/N went back to focusing on the lecture happening in front of her. Y/N was hunched over her notebook, writing something off from the PowerPoint slide displayed on the wall in front of her. She did not know how much time went by, she was listening too intently to care about that, but suddenly, the blonde beside her rested her back against the seat and leaned a little closer to Y/N.

“This is quite boring, innit?”

Y/N looked to her left, and to her surprise, realised that the girl who had walked in late was Chloe. The same Chloe who she had met when she registered a week and some ago. She must have been too caught up in the lecture to pay proper attention to her surroundings.

Chloe let out a small chuckle, nodding in the direction of the PowerPoint before she continued to whisper. “The lecture. I knew we’d be discussing Shakespeare in Introduction to English Studies, but Othello’s just fucking boring, innit?”

“I…” Y/N looked at the PowerPoint for a few seconds, then back at Chloe. “Sure.”

They were quiet for a few seconds, Chloe just studying Y/N, eyes searching her face. “You like Othello.”

Y/N felt a sudden urge to relate to Chloe. Since they had met earlier and since she hadn’t made tons of friends on her course yet, she wanted Chloe to be her mate. If they got off on the wrong foot today, they might never sit next to each other again.

“It’s not as good as Twelfth Night, not as bad as Julius Caesar.”

Chloe continued to just look at Y/N, but suddenly, a smile came creeping over her lips. “Take it you like Shakespeare.”

“I like analysing his work, yeah.”

“More of a Modernism, and sometimes Postmodernism, girl myself.”

“I’m not big on either of those.”

Chloe let out a small chuckle again. “You won’t be taking Postmodernism next year then?”

“Not if I can help it.”

Chloe only crossed her arms and stared ahead, still smiling. For a second Y/N was afraid she might have said something to make Chloe detest her, but the next, she reminded herself that she had to live her truth regardless of what anyone said about it. “Guess we’ll just have to enjoy each other’s company in the core modules then.”

Y/N felt a few butterflies in her stomach at that and could not help smiling back at Chloe when their eyes met again.

“How come I haven’t seen you at any Freshers parties yet?” Chloe asked.

“Been busy applying to jobs and such,” Y/N explained. “Gotta get one as fast as possible ‘cause I need money to live.”

“Ahh, fair.” Chloe nodded. “One of my course mates, Hayden – think they’re up there somewhere –“ Chloe pointed with her thumb over her shoulder, indicating further up the lecture hall. “Has decided they’re going to start an Uno society.”

“Uno?” Y/N frowned. “As in the card game?”

“Yeah,” Chloe laughed. “I’m sure it’ll be nice and all, but they’re very passionate about it. Have yet to come out with me, Thian, and Annalise. Those are my other course mates, by the way.”

Y/N nodded. Was she just incompetent at making friends or was Chloe just very good at it? How had she made so many friends, made a small group by the sounds of it, and Y/N had barely talked to anyone on her course yet?

“Hayden promised to come out this Friday, though,” Chloe smiled. “You should come, too.”

For some reason, both nerves and excitement rushed through Y/N at that. She smiled back. “I’d love that.”

“Wicked. It’s at my Dinwiddy flat.” Chloe rolled her eyes. “Uni accommodation at Helmond is a huge piss take, I tell you. I feel like there’s mould everywhere.”

“That’s just UK houses in general. We’ll all die from it one day.”

“It’s literally disgusting,” Chloe said. “Also, one of my flatmates never does his dishes. It’s minging. And it’s started smelling, too.”

“Oh, my days.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m glad I just immediately moved in with my best mate instead of going through the whole uni accommodation thing. At least I can be assured that they do their dishes and no food’s left on the kitchen counter for too long.”

“Oh, that sounds lush.”

The people around Y/N and Chloe were all starting to pack their things and get out of their seats. Seeing as the two of them were sat by the edge of the row, they had to get up rather fast and let people through. So, that’s what they did. Y/N put her notebook and pencil case in her rucksack and slung it onto her back before she and Chloe made their way out of the lecture hall and out into the hallway beyond.

“There they are,” Chloe grinned, waving as she saw a small group of three standing by the wall a bit further down. “Come say hi.” Though Chloe wasn’t looking at her, Y/N assumed she was talking to her, so she followed her over to the rest. “Gang, this is Y/N, the one I met while we were both registering.”

“Ah, you’ll be Y/N, then,” a man with protruding cheekbones, a strong jawline, and deep set, brown eyes said. The Viet man’s smile lit up the room they were standing in, and it made Y/N’s overthinking ebb. “I’m Thian, pleasure to meet you. Chloe told us she met you, but never saw you since.”

“Proper rude of the universe to keep us away from each other for so long,” Chloe said.

“I’m Hayden,” a smaller person said with the greenest eyes and long brown hair. They too had a smile like Thian’s, but this one displayed crooked teeth, which made Y/N more at ease with her own bottom teeth that were the same.

“And I’m Annalise,” the last one said, her hair dyed an unnatural dark red colour that Y/N absolutely loved. “I think I saw you in a Critical Reading seminar.”

“Oh, yeah, I think we might be.”

“We’ll have to sit next to each other next time!”

Y/N could detect a slight accent, but she could not tell where Annalise was originally from. She suspected Germany, there were tons of international students here after all, but Y/N did not want to assume.

“Guys, we have to plan the first Uno society meeting,” Hayden said, looking at the time on their phone. “It was so nice to meet you, Y/N, but we’re in a bit of a hurry.”

She just smiled. “No, totes get that. I need to get back to my flat, anyway.”

“See you around, then,” Chloe smiled, waving as the four of them walked off.

Y/N walked home to Orsman Road. Though she knew there would be less walking if they took the tube, it would also mean that she had to walk on and off boiling hot tube trains and stations, and she was not about to do that. She was sweating enough in the late September sun as it was, she did not need the tube to contribute to her sweat moustache as well. Instead, she plugged her earbuds in and listened to her most recent playlist on Spotify, humming along to her favourite tunes as she walked.

She stopped by Gregg’s by Dalston Kingsland station, buying herself a sausage roll and an iced latte before walking the rest of the stretch home. Hackney bustled around her, with tons of cars, double deckers, and mopeds driving by, as well as all types of people milling to and from work. The early autumn sun was still a little too hot, but it seemed like most Londoners were soaking up the sun while they could. They were walking by in shorts, tee shirts, and summer dresses, while the only reason why Y/N was dressed in her tee shirt and trousers, was so she would not quite literally go up in flames on the way home.

Y/N arrived at Orsman Road not long after her trip to Gregg’s, and walked up to the flat. She locked the door once she was indoors, checking the kitchen and the living room to see if anyone was there. To no one’s surprise, none of her three other student flatmates were home in the middle of the day on a Monday. She walked up the stairs and to her room, letting her door be open so she could air out a bit more. Her windows had been open all day, so her room smelled fresher than normal as she entered. That just reminded her that she had to buy some scented candles or air fresheners to liven up her room.

Putting her rucksack down by her door, Y/N started looking through the two bags that she had yet to pack out from. In one was most of the stuff she’d put on her desk when she finally bought that, and in the other were loads of decorations that she had yet to bring forth. She started pulling out fairylights that she wanted to hang across her room or over her wall, when she heard footsteps. Out of the door directly to the right once you came up the stairs, came a man with short dark hair and a strong build, thin lips and pale skin. He must have heard movements outside his door, because his eyes landed on Y/N almost right away. However, he smiled at her and Y/N immediately knew who this was.

“You’re Y/N, then,” Mason said, walking over to stand in the doorway of her room. “Mason, your third flatmate.”

“Thought I’d never run into you,” Y/N smiled, making his smile grow.

“Yeah, got here like two days ago, and have been all over the place since. Helped some of my mates move into their flats, been at work, and at rugby practice.”

She nodded. “Busy man.”

“Very busy.”

“Lucky I caught you now, then.”

Mason nodded his head. “Would have eventually. Knowing Nath, he’ll probably end up forcing us all to bond as a flat at one point.”

“Sounds horrific.”

“It was. It will be,” Mason laughed, leaning against the doorframe and pushing his hands into his grey joggers.

Y/N furrowed her brows. “It was? He’s done it before?”

“Yeah, our first year. He made everyone in our flat bond, he especially talked about flat yoga sessions and shopping trips when he was drunk or high as a kite.”

She dropped the fairylights and turned her full attention on Mason. “You lived together your first year?”

Mason just looked at Y/N, blinking a few times. “Yeah.”

“All three of you?”

“All three of us. Me, Nathan, Harry, and like five girls.”

Y/N felt like screaming, but lucky for her dignity and Mason’s ears, the front door opened and closed. Nathan’s singing could be heard all the way upstairs. Instead of screaming, Y/N called Nathan’s name, not caring that Mason saw just how annoyed she was now. Poor bloke had no idea what he’d just said. Nathan strolled up the stairs and looked in Y/N’s room’s direction, his face lit up at the sight of Mason and Y/N together.

“What a view!” he grinned. “What’re you two bonding over?”

“Right now we’re bonding over being your friend,” Y/N said.

“Which I’m sure you’re both honoured to be, yes.”

“And I just heard you’ve lived with Mason and Harry for the last year, but have not told me,” Y/N said, ignoring Nathan’s previous comment.

Nathan looked to Mason, and then back at Y/N. “No, Harry moved in later. He lived in another flat first, hated it, and since him and Mason were good mates, he got to move into our place since one of our flatmates dropped out our first week.”

Not caring that she would smudge her makeup, Y/N ran her hands over her face. “How long did he live there, Nate?”

Silence for a second or two. “Start of second semester till we moved out.”

Y/N let go of a heavy sigh. “Nathan, why didn’t you just tell me?-“

“-I know, I know, I know,” Nathan started, walking into Y/N’s room and sitting down on the floor beside her. “I’m a shite friend.”

“You really fucking are,” Y/N said, swatting Nathan’s hand away when he tried to take hers. “Harry was both of our friend when he lived in Notts those months, and I literally had sex with him.”

Mason took a small step back in pure shock, blinking rapidly as if an eyelash fell onto his eye.

“Don’t I have a right to know you’re living with him?” Y/N asked.

“You do. Of course, you do. I just… I thought I told you at one point, and when I got home and I found out I hadn’t told you… I didn’t know how to break the news.”

“How about just telling me?” Y/N shrugged her shoulders. “Instead of hiding it from me like that.”

“Technically, I didn’t hide anything ‘cause I thought I-“

“-Nathan, I’ll literally skin you alive-“

“-Fine, I should have told you,” he groaned, taking her hand this time and holding it tight in his. “How can I make it up to you?”

Y/N thought for a moment, but came up with the perfect solution. “By coming with me when I go out with my course mates on Friday?”

Nathan just looked at her, blinking once. “My punishment is to… go out with you and your mates?”

“Yes. I barely know them, I need moral support. No matter how bad the person giving me said support actually is.”

Nathan looked down at their hands, patting hers slightly. “I’ll come.”

“Thanks.”

He continued to look down at their hands as Mason’s quiet footsteps back to his room sounded throughout the first floor. “I do have a lecture that finishes at 7pm-“

“-You’ll skip that lecture if you so have to.-”

“-Yes, ma’am,” Nathan answered without hesitation, kissing her hand and getting up from the floor. He gave her a small smile. “And I’m sorry. I know I should’ve told you.”

Y/N nodded. “Is there… Is there more you haven’t told me? In regards to Harry?”

Nathan pretended to think for a few seconds, eyes getting big as if he remembered something.

“Nath?”

He chuckled. “No, nothing.”

Y/N hit him on his calf before he walked away. “You’re bloody buying the first round of drinks on Friday.”

“As I should,” was all Nathan said before he danced off to his room. Y/N picked up her fairylights again, trying to get them out of the messy tangle they were currently in so she could finally make this room look like her and her new home.

Friday, 29 September 2017

Y/N was nervous. She was usually nervous before going someplace she had never been before, or to meet people she had never met, but it was never like this. Her nerves were almost always drowned by her natural eagerness to be around people, to be surrounded by friends and strangers. However, this, her first pre-drinks at uni with other people, had her feeling a little too nervous for her own tastes.

She loved parties. Fuck, if she could party every single day, she would. She did not care about the hangover that came the following day, as long as she had a good time the night before. At home in Nottingham, she would have loved to party as much as she had in London, but for some reason, meeting as many new people as she had, made her nervous for some reason. It was weird to Y/N because she loved making friends, but it was different here. She had yet to figure out what about University that triggered this reaction out of her.

A knock sounded at her door and she grunted, which Nathan took as a good enough sign for him to be allowed entrance. He grinned, sitting down on Y/N’s fluffy dark blue duvet cover and looked his best friend up and down.

“Lush,” he said.

Y/N glanced at the mirror in front of her again, running her hands down her sides. Her black ruched detail ribbed crop top fit her perfectly, making her tits look exceptionally good, and the gold necklace and earrings topped it all off. The crop jeans in light wash blue were tightened at the waist by a black belt with silver eyelets, the black lace up boots made her almost as tall as Nathan. Though Y/N had been out on town in Nottingham with this very same outfit, she was unsure about it now. There was a familiar fear in the back of her head; one that had not visited in a while, one that would lay low until it saw fit to paralyse her. Y/N was experiencing only the tip of the iceberg now. The rest would reveal itself later, it would all melt and drown her in nervous ticks and anxious tendencies.

God, she hated how nervous she was. This was not like her at all. Nathan knew this, which was why he picked up on how unusually quiet his best friend was. He got up from where he was seated on the bed, walking over to Y/N and placing his hands on her shoulders.

“What’s up?”

She took a deep breath, looking at him in the mirror. “You remember the party at Jack Lloyd’s?”

“When we were 17?”

“Yeah, and I was nervous to wear that tight-fitting dress? ‘Cause of my stomach?”

“Yes, even though you had no reason to be nervous.”

She sighed. “Well, I’m feeling like that now,” she admitted. “Not as intensely, but it’s there and… I haven’t felt this nervous about being seen in a long time.”

“What do you mean ‘being seen’?”

“When… When you’ve had and still have a hard time accepting yourself, it’s hard to let others look at your body ‘cause you don’t want to exist outside your own head, if that makes sense? Being seen means people will have an opinion, it means they’ll piece together this image of you before even getting to know you. It means them judging you on your looks alone before they get to actually know you.” Y/N shrugged her shoulders a little, Nathan squeezing them ever so slightly. “My confidence is much better now, but I still have those moments every so often when that 17-year-old girl I used to be will come back and whisper something discouraging into my ear.”

Nathan nodded, wrapping his arms around her neck and bringing her to him. She melted into her best friend, taking a grip of his forearms. “I know it’s much easier said than done, but focus on now. You’ve come so far, and though that 17-year-old is part of the reason why you are who you are today, she’s got nothing to do here. 19-year-old Y/N has come so far, she has no time revisiting the past ‘cause she’s going to a party tonight, and it’ll be fucking fantastic, yeah?”

Y/N chuckled, closing her eyes as Nathan planted an encouraging kiss to her cheek. “Guess you’re right.”

“Of course I fucking am.”

She laughed.

“Now, get your vodka, tequila, sourz, or whatever the fuck you’re drinking, and let’s go.” Nathan let go of her and walked to the door, opening it. “You got Chloe’s address?”

“Yeah, it’s Dinwiddy, flat 10.”

“Uni accommodation?”

Y/N huffed, reaching for her purse and putting it over her shoulder. “Did you expect my first-year mates to live anywhere else?”

“Not really. Dunno why I’m shocked.”

Y/N searched through her purse, checking she had everything she needed before reaching for her plastic bag where her drinks were.

“Still remember when I lived in Coopers Court with Harry and Mason. Oh, how time flies.”

Y/N stopped short, narrowing her eyes. “I still cannot believe you didn’t tell me anything about you living in the same flat as Harry your first year at uni.”

Nathan sighed.

“Cannot believe you didn’t tell me he went to Helmond. Cannot believe you wanted us to live together without at least informing me-“

“-Mate, are we done with this?”

“Don’t think I’ll ever be done. You tricked me into this.”

“I did not.”

“What did you think was gonna happen when I found out?”

“We’ve been over this,” Nathan said. “I didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal. Harry did not react like this when I told him I promised to live with you my second year, your first year.”

Y/N rolled her eyes, having already heard this.

“In fact, he did not mind one bit living with you.”

“I mind living with him.”

“Clearly, or else we wouldn’t still be having this conversation.”

Y/N tutted, walking past Nathan and down the stairs. “I’ll let this argument be for the time being, but expect me to pick it back up again tomorrow when my mind’s not all over the place. I want to be able to fucking destroy you.”

“Great. Can’t wait.”

Y/N and Nathan started walking in the direction of Dinwiddy, the biggest uni accommodation at Helmond, where most students ended up staying. Parmiter Street was a mere 30-minute walk away, and though they could have easily taken the tube, they both knew that it would be best for them to get some fresh air before drinking. Y/N also wanted to walk off some of her anxiety, though she was fairly certain that would not happen. On one hand she was looking forward to meeting Chloe and the rest of her English Lit gang, on the other, she was nervous. Her nerves came more from fear of experiencing the same blinding anxiety she had when she was younger, for that same feeling of helplessness and bottomlessness that it had brought her. What if it appeared when she was drinking? What if it got worse as she got drunk?

She hated how moving away to London and to University had brought her so much doubt. It was like she had to figure out who she was all over again. Here, it was only Nathan who knew her. Well… him and Harry, but the latter did not count. If Y/N so wanted, she could become a new version of herself. She knew that was something uni offered; finding a new you and shaping it into a person you want to be. There were several things Y/N wished she could change about herself. She had a horrible temper, was a little too loud at times, took many things far too personal, and more. She was unsure how much independence and a new environment could help make her a better version of herself, but she hoped Helmond and London could help her to some degree.

Once they arrived at Parmiter Street, Nathan walked straight onto Dinwiddy campus grounds and showed them the way to flat 10. The brown brick buildings rose five storeys high around them, shaping a small T formation with some benches along the stone path where people could sit on the few occasions when the weather would allow it. Nathan had been there the year before, loads of his friends from his Criminology course had lived at Dinwiddy accommodation and therefore hosted pre-drinks there. Nathan knew his way around, and, sure enough, he showed them right to flat 10. On the right hand-side, the first building, Nathan strolled over to the entrance.

He met Y/N’s eyes, trying to get a picture of just how nervous she was. After all, these were her friends, and had they been home in Nottingham, she would not have been this nervous at all. Nathan was not anxious at all, and he had never talked to – never met – Chloe or any of Y/N’s course mates.

“Listen,” Nathan said, giving Y/N a small smile. “If it gets too much, we’ll just go home, yeah? I won’t leave your side.”

Y/N smiled back, nodding her head. “Yeah. I’ll send Chloe a text saying we’re here.”

“We could just ring the doorbell.”

She looked at him. “Nath.”

“Y/N.”

“What were phones invented for if we’re just gonna ring people’s doorbells? I’m sending her a text.”

Nathan reached forward and rang the doorbell, making Y/N raise her eyebrows at him and take a deep breath as not to throw him against the brick building.

“Yes?” came from the speakers beside the doorbells. It was Chloe.

Nathan nudged Y/N, nodding in the direction of the speakers. She glared at him. “It’s Y/N.”

“Ahh, brill!” Chloe unlocked the door for them and Nathan opened it, letting Y/N enter first. They walked over to the stairs, looking at a sign there that showed them flat 10 at the topmost storey.

“They don’t even have a bloody lift, do they?” Y/N asked Nathan as she looked around.

“Gotta walk, mate.”

“Fuck me,” Y/N groaned as they began their ascent.

“I’d rather not.”

Despite herself, Y/N laughed a bit. They made it to the fourth floor, and Y/N knocked on the door as Nathan breathed heavily beside her.

“Hi,” Chloe smiled as she opened the door, stepping aside to let Y/N and Nathan in.

“Hiya,” Y/N smiled back, feeling her heart beat hard inside her chest. Something about Chloe’s smile, the reminder that she had invited Y/N over, that she wanted her there, settled atop Y/N’s shoulders, making them sag to a comfortable level. “Brought my housemate, hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all!” Chloe said, turning to Nathan.

“Nathan,” he smiled. “Thanks for letting me come here.”

“Don’t mention it,” Chloe said, closing the door and showing them the way down a corridor towards the shared living space where a heavy bass was throbbing. The fluorescent lights overhead in the hallway resembled those at a petrol station, making Y/N squint as she entered the living room. There sat everyone she had the pleasure of meeting earlier that week. Hayden, Annalise, and Thian were all  around the table with a glass each to drink. Y/N smiled at them, waving her hand as they all grinned back at her. She still felt like she was intruding.

“Y/N, Nathan, do you like sambuca?” Chloe asked, walking over to the kitchen bench to fetch plastic shot glasses.

“Never say no to sambuca, ey?” Nathan grinned, nodding for Y/N to go sit down so he could follow her lead. “We’ll have a shot each of you’re handing out.”

“I am, indeed,” Chloe said, getting two shot glasses and walking over to the table, placing the glasses in front of Nathan who looked absolutely ecstatic.

“Thanks, babe,” Y/N said.

“You lot playing a drinking game?” Nathan asked, getting his drinks out to mix them all together into his paper cup.

“Yeah, we’re playing Never Have I Ever,” Hayden answered. “However, if no one drinks, everyone���s got to take a sip except for the person asking, but the person asking’s gotta take two if no one drinks.”

“Ahh, alright,” Nathan said. “Creative. Love it.”

“This is Y/N’s friend, Nathan, by the way, guys,” Chloe said as she came back over with shots for everyone.

“Oh, yeah, this is Nathan. He’s a second-year, we live in a flat together in Haggerston.” Y/N suddenly felt stupid for not introducing him right away so that Chloe had to. She felt her cheeks heat up, but she refused to look like she felt headless. Instead, she got her vodka and cranberry juice out, mixing it as Nathan spoke beside her.

“We’ve known each other forever, so she moved in with me and my flatmates this year instead of moving into uni accommodation,” he elaborated.

“You knew each other in Nottingham?” Chloe asked, and, for some reason, the fact that Chloe remembered that made Y/N feel all kinds of warm.

“Yeah, been best friends for years.”

“How nice that you got to live together here,” Chloe smiled in Nathan’s direction, then at Y/N.

“It is, isn’t it?” Nathan said, looking at Y/N and giving her a small wink before going back to his drink.

“Right, we need to take advantage of being first-years and get drunk as often as possible,” Thian said. “So, tonight needs to be good.”

“It’ll be good regardless,” Annalise retorted, taking one of the shots from the tray Chloe had brought to the table.

“Where are we going, anyway?” Hayden asked.

Thian nodded. “Pub or club?”

“Don’t really feel like clubbing tonight, you know what I mean?” Chloe asked, the other three coming with exclamations of agreement or nodding slightly. “Pub then?”

“We have a pub right by us,” Nathan said. “Only 30 minutes away and it’s the best one in Haggerston, in my opinion anyway.”

Y/N wrinkled her nose some. “The Stag’s Head?”

“Yeah, it’s always full and they sometimes got live music and everything.”

“We could go there, yeah,” Chloe said. “If everyone’s in.”

“Could we take a bus there?” Hayden asked.

“30 minutes isn’t a long walk, though,” Chloe chuckled. “As long as Nathan and Y/N show the way, we won’t get lost.”

“Don’t count on my navigational skills when I’m under the influence, babes,” Nathan said, making the others laugh.

“We’re better off using Google Maps, he might just show the way to the Gregg’s by Dalston Kingsland where he thinks the entire staff’s got a crush on him,” Y/N said before taking a sip of her drink, laughter erupting again. It felt good, like a pat on the shoulder, and Y/N instantly eased. Maybe she had not lost her old self at all, maybe she could still feel at ease, even around new people.

“They all flirt with me, and who can blame them?” Nathan shrugged his shoulders, whipping his head to the side so his lush, curly red hair dangled at the top of his head, grinning his wide smile and making the lip piercing shine in the fluorescent lights overhead.

The rest of the night went on, and it was easier to talk to everyone as time progressed. Not only because Y/N got more and more intoxicated, but she also just felt better after getting to know them all. Hayden always laughed the loudest, and their laughter was also very infectious, making it hard not to chuckle along with them. Annalise, though she sometimes stuttered over a few English words, was incredibly considerate and would urge Y/N to continue on with her story when others did not hear her. Thian offered Y/N tons of shots and complimented her on her outfit, making it easier for Y/N to feel good and seen, as she had been terrified of back at the flat. Chloe was easily the boss, and did most of the talking, though no one seemed to mind. After all, Chloe had introduced everyone to everyone, so people knew her the best out of everyone.

As time went on, Y/N just felt better. It was easier to talk to everyone and, at one point, she thought she was back at home in Nottingham, introducing herself to strangers at a party. They all made it easy to forget just how nervous she had been. It made her look forward to seeing them in her other lectures and seminars the coming week and all those weeks after that. Maybe these were the people she would spend her time at University with, and that excited her.

Bottles emptied and the volume inside the uni flat had increased massively. It was close to 9 when Chloe suggested they leave, and assured Y/N that she could leave the little she had left of her vodka at her place to pick up another day. Y/N took her up on the offer, insides warm from both alcohol and Chloe’s hospitality.

Nathan showed the way towards Haggerston and The Stag’s Head, arm entwined with Y/N’s for most of the way there. At one point however, Y/N let go of him and ended up walking beside Annalise and Thian, talking about one of the texts they had to read by Tuesday. It was such a mundane conversation, complaining about course work and talking about coming deadlines, that it felt like they had been mates for ages. The chat flowed so easily, the laughter rolled off their tongues, and it just made sense for all of them to be together, walking along the dark London streets in their tipsy states, making their way towards what would hopefully be the first of many trips to a pub.

They arrived at Orsman Road and they could hear The Stag’s Head before they saw it. Y/N had never paid it much attention. She knew she would end up popping by once or twice during her time at uni, but she had not envisioned her checking it out that first week. Nathan held the door open for everyone, resting a hand at Y/N’s back as he followed her indoors last.

The pub was small, but Y/N was sure that it was bigger than it appeared late on a Friday evening. Straight ahead, in a V formation, stood the bar, a wall filled with bottles of all alcohol imaginable behind it, lit up by red light which fit the dark red of the counter surrounding it. Far down to the left, it seemed the rest of the pub disappeared from view, but judging by the stairs Y/N could see, she supposed there was a loo somewhere in that direction, and it also looked to be where one could go to reach the smoking area. People were both sat and stood by the bar as well as booths along the walls. What appeared to be the stage further down to the right was unoccupied by any performers, though a few lads stood there with a pint each. There were no free tables, and this put a damper on the mood quite quickly.

Nathan, however, pulled them all towards the smoking area and they were all pleasantly surprised to see a free table and two benches untouched. Fairylights hung over the outdoor space, from the house and over to the fence on the other side. It lit up just enough, made it possible to see, but not too bright for people to squint when walking out into the night. A few empty pints and a smoky ash tray stood in the middle of the table, but Nathan put the glasses on the brick fence before everyone sat down.

“Alright, I’ll pay for your drink,” Nathan said, smiling at Y/N. “Anyone wanna come to the bar? Y/N’ll watch the table.”

“Ah, yes.” Chloe got up, the rest of the gang following along and walking towards one of the two entrances to the pub. Y/N got her phone out, looking to see if she had any notifications she had to check out, but there were none. She was about to resolve to scrolling aimlessly through Instagram, when she heard a slightly familiar voice.

“Hi there.” Mason sat down on the edge of the opposite bench, a cigarette in hand and a small smile on his lips. “Didn’t know you and Nath would come here tonight.”

“Oh, hiya,” Y/N smiled. “No, we didn’t know where we’d go after pre-drinks. He suggested this place, so we brought some of my course mates with us here.”

“You going out later?”

“No, think we’re just gonna stay here.”

“Yeah, this is a chill place,” Mason said, puffing out some smoke.

“This is my first time here.”

Mason raised his eyebrows. “Is it?”

Y/N smiled. “You think I should’ve come here earlier?”

“More to do with the fact that our flat just loves this place, thought Nathan would’ve at least taken you here already.”

“He did now.”

“It’s my favourite pub around here, and Harry-“

“-Mase!” Nathan exclaimed, grinning as he came over with two gin and tonics. “You’re here as well!”

“Yeah, it’s a Friday night, innit?”

“Hi,” Chloe said, sitting down beside Mason with a wide grin on her face. It seemed like she wanted to introduce herself or to be introduced, but before Y/N could say anything, the conversation resumed.

“Hey,” Mason answered, looking back to Nathan who seemed to be ecstatic to see one of his flatmates. “Hear you haven’t taken Y/N here till now.”

Nathan sighed. “Not like I didn’t want to, just haven’t gotten the opportunity.”

“What’s so good about this place?” Y/N asked, looking from Nathan to Mason.

“Just close, innit? Also, it’s crowded, but it’s not as crowded as most pubs down by Kingsland Road,” Nathan elaborated.

“You lot have a good night, yeah? Need to get back to my mates.” Mason leaned past Chloe, stumping the rest of his cigarette into the ashtray before he got up, walking over to a big group of lads. Chloe stared after him as the rest of the conversation around the table started back up again, Y/N pretended to not see how she was checking him out. It felt like she was intruding on a moment that was not meant for anyone but Mason to see.

“You’re living with him?” Chloe asked.

“Yeah.”

“He’s well fit.”

“Guess.”

Chloe giggled. “You’re taking the rule to not shag one of your flatmates seriously, then?”

“Shouldn’t everyone?” Thian asked, furrowing his brows. “It only complicates everything.”

“How? It’s only a shag. It’s not like you’re gonna fall in love with them,” Chloe said.

“Can’t really control your emotions, though.” Nathan shrugged. “Two of my flatmates last year shagged. He had feelings for her, she just wanted a one night stand. Didn’t end well.”

Y/N put her drink back down on the table after a long sip. “Well, if you’re clear beforehand and make it clear that it’s only for this night and there’s no emotions behind it other than temporary bliss, then that’s okay, isn’t it?”

“Nah,” Hayden said, shaking their head. “It’s an unwritten rule. Don’t shag your flatmates.”

“Is it a serious rule?” Annelise asked, furrowing her brows.

“It’s got serious consequences,” Hayden answered.

“But if you’re both aware it’s only a one time thing, then is it serious?” Y/N asked.

“Babe, sex is complicated. You’re always just gonna be connected in a way, you know?” Nathan said.

“I can promise you I’m not connected to Ollie Lee in any way, shape, or form,” Y/N huffed, sipping her drink again as Nathan laughed, the other joining in because of Y/N’s obvious distaste in this Ollie Lee.

“Was he awful in bed?” Chloe asked, smiling as she looked between Nathan and Y/N.

“No, I was just desperate one night last year.” Y/N rolled her eyes at herself. “Let’s just say that mid-shag he asked me if I had to go to the toilet, and when I said no, he told me that whenever I felt like I had to, just pee on him instead.”

Gasps erupted around the table, and a second later, everyone started howling with laughter. Nathan kept on hitting his thigh, leaning into Y/N and laughing. Though it was a fairly embarrassing story on Y/N’s part, her definite lowest of low, she could not help feeling good about making everyone laugh like this. Looking around at everyone, she suddenly felt very good about herself, despite this being her worst sex story ever.

It was not like Y/N had fucked her way through Nottingham and had tons of stories to tell. In fact, she hadn’t shagged that many. She had had sex with eight people, three of them being women, one non-binary, and the other four men. She had been very vocal about the fact that the best sexual encounters she had had, were with women. They had all been so nice, and though it had never escalated to anything romantic beyond that one night together, they had made Y/N feel the best she’d ever felt. She suspected women just knew what to do, that they cared how she felt and did not solely care about their own release.

The group ended up just sitting around and talking for a while. It was nice to go somewhere outside of the uni setting and get to know some people, this was what uni was all about, or so Nathan had told her countless times. These people were as anxious about making friends and being liked as she was, but there they all were, making friends and going outside their own comfort zone.

At one point, Y/N had finished her drink and went to get another round for her and Nathan. The pub seemed to be even more packed now that it was closer to midnight. Everyone wanted to drink the week away, to forget about their lives for a little while and just spend time in good company. Y/N strolled over to the bar, looking up and down the counter to see if any of the bartenders were free to help her. The second her eyes landed on a familiar figure, she halted.

Harry’s eyes were already on hers as he stood almost right opposite her mixing a drink. He let go of a sigh, looking down at whatever he was mixing.

“You…” she started, raising her eyebrows. “You’ve got to be fucking everywhere.”

“Only ‘cause you’re every single place I usually am,” he said, continuing to make whatever drink he was making.

“Do you work here then?”

He looked over at her, raising one of his eyebrows. “I’m not a hallucination now?”

Y/N rolled her eyes.

“Can’t believe you thought I was a bloody hallucination.”

“Believe it. It’s all Nathan’s fault anyway. I’ll never forgive him for forcing me to live with you for a year.”

Harry let out a dry laugh. “To answer your question: no, thought I’d help out behind the bar to get me adrenaline going.”

“Well funny,” Y/N said. “You got me cracking up, can you tell?”

“Last time I checked, I got you laughing pretty hard, yeah.”

“That’s literally two years ago now.”

Harry finished the drink, putting it in a glass and placing it in front of the person standing just beside Y/N. Her eyes first landed on the watch on his wrist, the nice brown leather, and then her gaze travelled upward. She looked up at the man who was already staring at her, giving him a smile when she smiled at him. Their eye contact was put to an abrupt end when Harry poked the man’s hand holding the drink with the card machine. Y/N looked back at Harry, and then at another man with strong build and big, curly hair who stepped into view beside Harry.

“I’ll take care of her, Kai,” Harry said.

This Kai looked at Harry, blinking once before he met Y/N’s eyes again.

“She’s my flatmate,” Harry elaborated, making Kai study Y/N a bit more closely before he nodded once. He was very good looking, with a broad nose, almond-shaped eyes, and full lips, his brown skin glowed in the dim lights of the pub.

“That new one,” Kai said.

“Yeah.”

Kai smiled then, nodding in Y/N’s direction. “Nice of you to come check on Hazza. It’s always hectic on Fridays.”

“Oh, our other flatmate took me here, I didn’t come by choice.”

Kai’s eyebrows rose on his face and he looked at Harry who barked out a laugh, shrugging his shoulders at Kai as they exchanged a look. Harry walked over to stand right in front of her, signalling to Kai that he could take care of this one. Kai walked off, taking someone else’s order.

“Even feistier than I remember, you are,” Harry said.

She cocked her head to the side as Harry gathered a glass for her drink, already assuming that was what she was going to get. “You didn’t seem to have a problem with it before.”

It left her lips before she even registered she was thinking it. Harry only took a deep breath before meeting Y/N’s eyes again, clearly choosing to ignore her statement. “What can I get you, Y/N?”

“Sex on the Beach, please,” she said. “Two of them.”

“Alright.” Harry started making them right away, signalling to someone that he’d be right with them after this. Y/N looked around her, meeting the gaze of the man who had just stood by her at the bar. He raised his glass in her direction and she smiled back. She definitely had to go talk to him after this. He seemed to be a bit older, maybe five years older than her, but just for tonight, she did not care.

Y/N glanced back at Harry and watched him, fascinated by how fast he managed to make the drinks. “How long have you worked here, then?”

“A year abouts,” Harry said. “Worked in a hotel when we moved to Brum. Tended to work at the bar when the bartender was out.”

Y/N nodded, eyes on his hands as he poured ice, shots, and all types of alcohol and liquids into her drink. “You lived there till you moved to London?”

“Yeah.” They were quiet for a moment, both of them remembering all of the things that were left unsaid between them. All of those words, moments, and memories they had created during those months the two of them had crossed paths in Nottingham.

He cleared his throat as he put the drinks down in front of her. “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t much like Brum.”

Y/N took a grip of the glasses. “And why’s that?”

“Dunno. Just didn’t find my footing proper.”

“In the two years you lived there?”

He shrugged. “Guess not.”

Y/N clicked her tongue. “Was it that bad?”

“Nah, I met tons of ace people and Birmingham’s a decent place, but…” He shrugged again. “Dunno.”

“Hmm,” she said, trying to decipher his words and if he was being truthful or not.

“Anyway,” Harry said, nodding to the drinks. “Take that other drink to Nathan – as I’m sure it’s for him – and when you bring that middle-aged man home later: please, be quiet. I have rugby at 11 tomorrow morning.”

Y/N’s mouth fell open. “How dare-“

“-Y/N, what’s taking so fucking long?” Nathan shouted as he came up next to her. His eyes fell on Harry behind the bar. “Oh… forgot to tell you Harry works here.”

“Nath, shut the fuck up,” Y/N said, looking from Nathan and back at Harry.

Harry nodded towards the door, silently telling them to fuck off, and they did. They walked back to the rest who were still sitting by the same table outside. Nathan took his drink from Y/N and sat down, but just as Y/N was about to sit down, she heard someone clear their throat behind her. She looked over her shoulder rather fast, blinking a few too many times when she locked eyes with the same man who had been standing beside her by the bar.

“Hi,” he said, giving her a broad smile.

Y/N almost felt herself blush. “Hey.”

“I’m George.”

She smiled. “Y/N.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Y/N,” he said, he gestured at the bench where she had just been about to sit down. “Mind if I sit down with you?”

Her smile widened. “Not at all.”

Y/N felt fucking terrible. Her room was too hot, too humid. Body sticky with sweat, limbs aching, throat burning with yesterday’s alcohol, and head throbbing, she opened her eyes slowly before shutting them again, groaning into her pillow. She hated herself for not drinking as much water before bed as she usually did when coming home from a night out. Sitting up, she looked down at the man beside her, racking her brain to remember what his name was. She ran her hands over her face, reaching for her glasses so she could see something, but quickly realising she left her contact lenses in the night before. Her eyes were so dry it hurt to blink and she suddenly realised why her head was hurting more than normal. Cursing herself, Y/N got out of bed with her glasses perched at the top of her head, picking up a tee shirt and some tights, pulling on her fluffy dressing gown before she made her way out of her room as soundlessly as possible.

She stumbled her way to the bathroom, locking the door behind her. First thing she did was take her contacts out, struggling to do so as the contacts were so dry, her eyes having dried out with them. She splashed water in her face next, then drank the equivalent to the Atlantic Ocean before splashing even more water on her face. She then put her glasses on, realising that she had to let her eyes relax some after what she had just put them through. It took her awhile to gather up the courage to go to the toilet, where she made herself throw up the nausea she was feeling before having a very long peeing session.

Moments of the night before came rushing back to her, and as she sat there on the toilet, she remembered more and more. The name George came to her like out of a fog, and then the details started falling into place. She remembered how he’d bought her more drinks, how the two of them had sat talking all night about nothing in particular. She remembered his hand on her thigh and him leaning into her to whisper in her ear. Then they were in her room, her front against the mattress and his weight on her back. It was all hazy after that, most of it just a mess of limbs and chasing a release that she had never caught up with. Though Y/N usually made it clear that she hadn’t come, she was too worn out to tell George. She remembered falling asleep almost the second they were done. To say she had been underwhelmed was an understatement.

When she was done, she walked down the stairs for the kitchen. Once again, she was left stopping right in her tracks as she walked in. Harry stood by the stove, eyes on the pan in front of him where he was making eggs, a few asparagus and peppers cooking beside the two frying eggs. For a moment, she debated walking back upstairs and leaving Harry to it, but then he glanced over at the door to his right, meeting her eyes right away. He gave her a tight-lipped smile before turning back to his breakfast. God… Y/N wanted to set herself on fire. It’d be better than staying inside a room with Harry alone after years apart.

He wore rugby shorts that reached mid-thigh, a white tee shirt to go with it, and a hairband to keep his hair out of his face. Y/N realised just then that he was getting ready to leave for rugby as he had told her yesterday he would. She could remember him doing rugby when they knew each other three years ago as well, but she didn’t think he’d still be doing it.

The small conversation they had in The Stag’s Head the night before lingered in the air between and around them. That was reason enough to turn and walk upstairs again. But as Y/N remembered who was waiting for her in her room, she stepped into the kitchen. She got two slices of bread and put them in the toaster, getting some butter and milk out of the fridge as she waited. She watched Harry’s back as she filled the kettle with enough water, quickly looking away when he moved to put his eggs on the two slices of bread on his plate. Biting her lip, Y/N got a mug and a teabag, looking back over at Harry as he stood holding his breakfast plate. Y/N took a deep breath, knowing exactly what she had to do.

“Okay,” she said only a second before Harry turned around to face her, mouth open as if to say something. He must have noticed the tension as well. “We need to talk this through. We can’t live together for the next year if it’s gonna be like this. Just gonna put that out there right away.”

“Yeah,” Harry sighed. “I’ve been thinking the same thing.”

Y/N leaned her hip against the counter, feeling relieved that she was not the only one out of the two that had thought about how incredibly awkward this was. “You’ve thought about it too?”

“Of course. I’ve been fuming ‘cause Nathan didn’t tell you sooner, and I’ve also found it annoying how I’m the bad guy in your eyes when this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for Nate.”

Y/N rolled her eyes. “I haven’t thought of you as the bad guy-“

“-Y/N,” Harry said, putting his plate down on the counter again. “You’ve been angry at me this whole time. I can tell.”

“My frustration with you has got nothing to do with this situation, but all to do with how you just left without even saying goodbye before you moved away.” Y/N crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m trying to not blame you for this as well, but you’re right, Nathan’s the one that made this happen, we should be angry with him.”

“So you have been mad at me.”

“Well, you’re here, aren’t you?” Y/N narrowed her eyes. “Isn’t it just easier, no matter how stupid the reason, to just find more things to make you angry at a person? To make you hate them even more? Isn’t it just satisfying to find other ways to be frustrated with them?”

“No.”

“You’re no fun.”

“I am.”

“Anyway,” Y/N continued, getting her bread slices out of the toaster to put butter on them. “Why didn’t we say anything? If we’ve both thought it’s been awkward, I mean.”

“You’ve been busy shagging men 10 years older than you, I didn’t get the chance.”

“Look at you not being frustrated or annoyed with me.”

“I told you to be quiet last night,” Harry said, getting a fork and putting some asparagus and paprika in his mouth. “You weren’t.”

Y/N got the kettle as it finished, pouring some hot water into her mug. “So, what you’re saying is that you’ve been angry with me.”

“Not angry, just…” Harry sighed. “Fine. A little angry last night, yes.”

Y/N smiled. “And he wasn’t 10 years older than me, he’s five years older.” She paused. “I think.”

“Right,” Harry said, eating more of his breakfast. “Listen…” He swallowed. “I think we should just… We should just address it.”

“Yeah.”

They were both quiet, looking at the other and waiting for them to say what they were both thinking. Though it looked like he was about to reach for his bread to take a bite, Harry stopped himself. Instead, he took a deep breath, and said, “It was fucking terrible. That first time…” He trailed off, narrowing his eyes before he ran a hand over his face, remembering it all over again. “I didn’t even last a minute. It was mortifying.”

“It wasn’t half as mortifying as you trying to go down on me afterwards.”

Harry let out a small laugh. “Yeah, that wasn’t really…” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“No, we were both part of it. You don’t have to apologise for that.”

“You hear all these stories about how losing your virginity is supposed to be so beautiful, but it’s not. It’s really fucking not. Especially if you lose it to someone else who hasn’t had sex before, it just makes it double as awkward.”

Y/N nodded. “It was shit. Both of us were shit.”

“Exactly.”

“But I hope you know the reason I’m frustrated with you isn’t because of that.”

Harry looked away, biting at his bottom lip before he said, “Yeah, I know why.”

“Good, just wanted that to be clear.”

Harry nodded, taking his bread slice in his hand, making sure the egg wouldn’t fall off before he brought it to his mouth. “Well, now that we’ve addressed that, let’s just move on.”

“Let’s.”

She gave him a small smile before taking her teabag out of her mug and throwing it in the bin. There was still some tension in the room, but not enough for Y/N to want to set herself on fire like she had wanted to before. Just as she was about to take a grip of her plate and cuppa, the sounds of footsteps made her look up. George, who had been asleep last time Y/N checked, walked by the kitchen, halting as he saw Y/N and Harry standing there in the kitchen. He gave them both a smile Y/N could tell was forced, and then walked straight for the door without a single word or a second glance. Y/N and Harry looked at one another, sharing a look before they both chuckled ever so slightly.

“Cracking bloke,” Harry mumbled.

“Innit,” Y/N huffed, picking up her breakfast. “Have fun at rugby practice.”

“Cheers.”

She walked by him, hoping that her room did not smell of George or anything resembling alcohol or sweat. If it did, she would hit her head against the wall. But, lucky for her, George had left the door open, which had given the room a little bit of time to get the smell of last night out. After putting on her fluffy duvet cover, she opened the windows to let some fresh air in, and left her door open as she sat down in bed with her laptop, tea, and breakfast.

Just as she was about to put her plate down on the nightstand, she noticed something already laying there on top of her books. Adjusting her glasses, Y/N squinted at the object. She put her plate down on her duvet cover and reached for the wristwatch George had left. It was the nice leather one she had seen last night by the bar, the one that had caught her attention first. The digital clock seemed to have stopped working, displaying a random time that Y/N in her hangover state could not tell anyone what was. She was too fucked to even try and understand the numbers in front of her.

She put the clock back on her desk, hoping that she’d run into George soon so she could give it back to him. Or maybe Nathan could stalk Facebook and find him so she could message him there to tell him. She was glad she hadn’t exchanged phone numbers with George as she did not want to meet him again, but right now, she wanted to give him his watch back.

Y/N heard the front door open and then close, indicating that Harry had just left for rugby, and, as far as she could tell, she was the only one currently awake in her flat. The morning was quiet, she felt oddly at peace as she put on Fleabag and sipped her cuppa, and little did she know, this would be one of those rare moments over the last three years that this emotion inhabited her body.

NEXT UPDATE: Sunday, 7th March, 9PM GMT!

Huge thanks to my AMAZING beta reader! 🏛️ @aileenacoustic 🏛️ @devil-in-bw-the-sheets 🏛️ @sunflowerstache​ 🏛️ @fromyourstrulyh​ 🏛️

FIC PAGE | COME TALK !!!

[bffsoobin]

Iced Chai

↳ you had a small obsession with drinking iced chai lattes between class, and it just so happened that the coffee store on campus had the best ones. when a new barista replaces the one who used to make your drink, you put him to the test. he makes the most wonderful iced chai you’d ever had. he’s also one of the most handsome boys you ever seen on campus.

➤ fluff, college!au, shy barista!hueningkai

Word Count:3,830

A/N: yes, this fic is very much influenced by my massive love for iced chai lattes and the way I consumed them up until March when we had to leave campus. Sadly I didn’t have any cute boys serving me :(. Anywho, I hope you enjoy it! Please keep in mind that I haven’t proofread, so there may be some small mistakes!

•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:••:•.•

Calculus was a pain in the ass. Obviously, you knew this well before you scheduled for your freshmen year of college, but there was no way to avoid the reality handed to you by your major. So every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning at 8 am you endured the rambling lectures of your less than spry professor who could barely work his desktop computer. You tried your best to pay attention, you really did, but there was only so much you could do when the conversation shifted from tangent lines to the best way to reheat fast food french fries.

As you doodled in the margins of your lined notebook, your mind wandered to the only good thing sitting through this class does for you. Other than the credits. As soon as the clock struck 9am, you had a date with the on campus café. The roughly hour break between the end of calculus and the beginning of chemistry gave you the perfect window to enjoy some alone time. Homey, student run and always playing some version of a coffee shop playlist; the place was your haven on campus. Not only did you love the atmosphere and the fact that it was the best place on campus to study, but they also serve the best iced chai latte you’d ever encountered. The thought of the drink alone made your mouth salivate. From your first hesitant order, you had become hooked. Within your first week on campus, you had easily drank 10 cups of the chilled goodness before your roommate expressed concern for the sheer amount of sugar and dairy you’d been consuming. 

Due to the timing of your tri-weekly trips, you had always been served by the same lovely barista, Rachael. She was stylish, down to earth and always told you a good joke when you showed up looking especially out of it. Most importantly, something about the way she mixed the drink convinced you that she surely was sent from the heavens.

When your graying professor finally let your class go for the day, you walked on clouds to your favorite spot on campus. It had rained during class so the air was chilled and the ground was still damp. The telltale scent of rain invaded your senses and a chill ran through you. Most people would be craving a hot coffee or steaming cup of tea- but all you desired was the smooth flavor of your favorite drink. The walk to your beloved café wasn’t long, but you always found yourself in a bit of a rush to get there as soon as you possibly could. In a moment of carelessness, you stepped right into a rather large puddle and soaked one of your feet right through your shoes and your sock. Disgusting you thought as you finally arrived at the door. The handle was slick with moisture thanks to the weather, but you wiped your hand onto your sweatshirt as you stepped inside and let the familiar scent of coffee grounds occupy your mind. Your shoulders relaxed simply at the relaxed atmosphere.

A few students who also frequented around this time were sitting at their usual tables, and you waved at them politely before taking yourself- and your squelching shoe- over to the small booth you’d come to know and love. You ditched your bookbag on the table with a thud, feeling secure with the knowledge of your agreement with the girl who sat at the table next to you to keep an eye on your things. 

As you headed toward the counter, you belatedly noticed that the line seemed a bit more backed up than usual. It wasn’t too big of a concern, as your college was relatively small and waiting an extra five minutes would by no means ruin your timing. It was just curious. Usually Rachael ran the counter with the ease of an experienced sailor, but that ease seemed to be missing today. Nevertheless, the line inched forward steadily. Engrossed in your phone, you hadn’t noticed the glaring difference in your routine until you got to the cash register. While placing your plastic ID card over the scanner, you chirped “just my usual, Rachael!” 

Despite what your mind told you would happen next- she would laugh, say okay, maybe ask about class while handing over a receipt- you were met with an awkward stutter that your trusty barista certainly didn’t make. 

“I-I’m sorry, I don’t know your usual,” upon finally looking up, your brain processed the sight of a new boy. A new gorgeous boy. Did they only hire beautiful people here? His black hair was falling into his eyes, charmingly shaggy and exposing just enough of his forehead to make you oddly wish you could see more. His cheeks were dusted in a light pink blush that both charmed you and made you feel bad at the same time. He seemed so fresh. Upon further inspection, you caught his handmade name tag written in slightly shaky handwriting that was so cutely boyish. Hueningkai. He had decorated one corner with a smiley face and the other with a drawing of a coffee bean that looked suspiciously like nothing more than a dark brown blob with a small accent line down the middle. 

“I’m sorry, Hueningkai,” you didn’t miss the way his eyes widened slightly at the use of his name, “usually Rachael is here to take my order. But I’ll take a large iced chai latte, please.” He nodded quickly, reverting his eyes to the LED screen which his eyes bounced around for a few seconds before he finally found the correct button. This must have been why the line seemed abnormally long. As the sound of your receipt printing filled the silence, you asked; “first day?” 

A melodious laugh fell from his lips, causing a scrunch of his perfectly pointed nose that you felt honored to have seen as he stepped away from the register to start making your drink. “That obvious, huh?” Another worker came to take his spot and serve the next student but you followed Hueningkai to his new destination. For as shy as he was at the cash register, he moved with much more confidence when it came to actually making drinks. His earlier hesitation was totally gone as he got to work mixing up your drink. In his new position, you could get a better look at his hands, adorned in simple silver jewelry that embarrassingly made your breath catch in your throat. His actions were over almost as quickly as they began, and his earlier hesitation seemed to return as he slid the drink to you over the granite counter top. You grasped at it eagerly in the same moment he reached to balance a straw on top of the lid. 

For a brief moment your fingers lingered and your mind went wild at the absurdity that you honestly felt sparks pass between the two of you. 

“Oh, uh, sorry,” he mumbled, dipping his head down awkwardly as he finally tore his hand away. You smiled back earnestly, hoping to make him understand that you weren’t bothered at all by the contact. 

Back at the safety of your table, you took a second to collect yourself. Surely you were overreacting to the small interaction. After all, you were already having a pretty weird day. Looking down at your clear cup, you remembered the beginning of your dilemma- the absence of amazing barista Rachael. Hueningkai was adorable, but could his skills hold up to the woman who made drinks you literally dreamed about? Tentatively, you took a sip of the drink and immediately cocked your head to the side. On the off chance your taste buds had totally deceived you, you took another long swig from the cup. 

Hueningkai’s drink was even better than Rachael’s.

——

The next morning, you awoke before your alarm even started to beep. Thursdays meant no class until 1 o’clock, so you had almost all the time in the world to catch up on assignments and homework and do your errands. Instead of doing anything constructive, you found yourself craving yet another iced chai latte. As you voiced this desire to your roommate, she looked at you as if you’d just admitted to the murder of 4 people.

“Are you insane? Do you not remember how miserable you felt after drinking two a day? I can’t let you do that again. You can go to the café but at least drink something different!” You knew that she was right, but something inside of you- that shitty little perpetual teenage boy who hides in a corner of your mind- told you to do the exact opposite of what she said.

“I’m sorry,” you shuffled through the shirts hanging in your closet, the sound of the plastic hangers clicking together resonating in the otherwise quiet room. “But you have to go to class so there’s no way you can police me. Plus,” you pulled a shirt out of your closet and slid over to your cheap full length mirror to inspect yourself. “You didn’t see Hueningkai. He is...” your cheeks flushed as your roommate began to let out a high pitched squeal. “Shhh! The walls are thin!”

“Oh don’t act so scandalized. I guess it makes sense that you’d have a crush on the boy who feeds your addiction.” You rolled your eyes at her, lobbing a pair of rolled up socks in her direction in retaliation. They hit her side softly before bouncing to the floor dejectedly. “You,” she pointed a finger your way as you rooted through your drawer for a pair of jeans, “are ridiculous. Have fun with your dreamy boy while I’m at class.”

Despite the familiarity of the path to the café, you still felt a bit out of place making the trip on a Thursday. Even the other students passing you by felt wrong in a way you couldn’t quite place. There was also the lingering worry that Hueningkai wasn’t even working today, and you’d show up to the small building just for a dose of disappointment. In you worried haze, you had barely noticed you arrived until the door was pushed open from the inside and a small pack of students held the door aside for you.

Inside of the building, a blanket of warm air surrounded your form and the faint smell of cinnamon drifted easily through the air. You were instantly calmed by the scent until someone bumped into your shoulder. With wide eyes, you looked around to see about double the amount of people your usual visits yielded. You were in no way prepared for the absolute mass of bodies that filtered between the tables and comfortable sitting areas. 

Feeling a bit lost, you put yourself into the line of waiting students and tried your best to peer over heads and around bodies to see if you could catch a glimpse of the barista that had captivated you so easily. It didn’t look like he was making drinks, but you held out hope that he was manning the register that was blocked from your sight. After what felt like forever, you reached the register and came face to face with...not Hueningkai. Despite your disappointment, there was no way you would turn down a drink, even made by a non-Hueningkai. 

Once you had the chilled cup cradled in your hands, you took a hopeless look around at the full dining room. Almost every table looked to be occupied, and some students had even resorted to leaning against the walls to chat and sip their drinks. The back of your neck began to heat up as you wandered around hoping for anyone to decide they were done and get up to leave. You had almost given up and decided to just go back to your dorm and lick your metaphorical wounds when a voice called your name. It only took a second of looking around to lock eyes with the one who was calling for you. 

Hueningkai. He had a light blush filling his cheeks as he waved a hand noncommittally your way. He looked ethereal sitting at the table, hot cup of something steaming next to his sticker covered laptop. His eyes were wide and adorably eager; akin to the look of a puppy who had just seen their owner after a long day. Your feet were working before your brain, so when you arrived to the table you had to scramble for an opener. 

“Hey! I was looking for you!” you winced. Way to go, Y/N. Out yourself on the second meeting. “I mean, uh,” you felt the cup in your hand start to slip with the sweat your palms produced, “I was hoping you’d make my drink again.” 

A smile spread like wildfire on Hueningkai’s face and his eyes crinkled adorably in the corners.

“You liked it that much?” His voice was meek, oddly shy for the way he beamed up at you with so much ease. 

“Yeah! It was really good. Even better than Rachael’s, to be honest.”

“Really? She was the best barista here!” He brought a hand up to his mouth in shock. 

“Yeah, really! Anyway, I can get going if you...you look busy,” you gestured toward his open laptop and drink that you were sure was rapidly cooling the longer you distracted him. 

“No!” he blurted the word before visibly flinching at his actions. At least it wasn’t just you feeling like a fumbling idiot. “I called you over cause it looked like you needed a seat? And if you want to sit with me, you can. I’m just working on a presentation and you won’t distract me, I promise.” There was no way you could deny the eagerness lacing his voice, so you pulled the chair opposite him across the floor and settled in. 

----

“That sounds like a date. A hangout at the very least,” your roommate asserted as she typed some code into her computer. 

“It was not a date!” You whined, glaring up at your ceiling from your spot on your twin XL. “He just saw me looking for a place to sit and offered.” She scoffed. 

“Yeah, and then he proceeded to ignore his homework to talk to you. And then he asked if you were coming back to the cafe tomorrow. And then he-” 

“Okay, I get it! But what am I supposed to do? Ask him out?” A bubble of nerves was resting heavily in your stomach at the thought. As much as you liked him, who were you to think that he wasn’t just being kind? When you voiced this concern to your roommate, she tossed her computer to the side and strode over to your bed to not-so-gently pull you out of it. Without an idea of what she was doing, you stood dumbly until she put on her slippers and drug you out of your room. 

“What are you doing? I didn’t even put my slippers on!” Your sock covered feet slid across the tile of the hallway as your roommate finally hauled you into the common room of your floor, where a few small groups had gathered to do various activities. 

“Hi everyone! My lovely roommate Y/N and I have a question for you. Do any of you know Hueningkai? He works at the cafe, really tall, music major?” A few people nodded in confusion, surely wondering why the hell one of the polite tenants of room 112 was conducting some kind of survey in the lounge. 

“Great. Has he ever shown interest in any of you? Asked you to sit with him in the cafe? Spent about an hour inquiring about your life instead of quietly working? Gave you his number?” Everyone who had previously nodded stood still, not moving an inch as they whispered between each other. “Okay, that’s all!” Your roommate left with no further elaboration as you called out a weak apology to everyone. Back in the safety of your room, you stared at her, scandalized. 

“What was that?” 

“That, my dear Y/N, was proof. He likes you!”

----

A nervousness you hadn’t felt since move in day was crawling through your body the closer the clock ticked to 9 am. Theoretically, you could just skip going to get a drink today, and therefore avoid the source of your nerves; but you knew that Hueningkai was expecting you to show. He had even sent you an eager text this morning with a series of heart wrenchingly adorable emojis. There was no way you could avoid him after that. 

Late fall weather had surely settled in today and you felt the chill settle into your bones as soon as you stepped out of the math building. For a few seconds, you stopped to watch a rough breeze rustle browning leaves across the concrete paths of campus before simply digging your hands further into your pockets. You had to power your way through this. Worse case scenario, he says no and you can never show your face on campus again. Simple. 

The door felt especially heavy under your hands as you hauled it open. The much more familiar, sparsely populated shop greeted you but only ratcheted up your nerves. With less people milling around, there was no way to delay your conversation with Hueningkai. As soon as you began to approach the counter, you could see him stumble over to the register before the other working student could even attempt to. He tried to casually lean his elbow onto the half wall to his left, but he miscalculated and ended up shyly tucking his hands into the front pocket of his apron. 

“Hi,” you swallowed the lump in your throat and hoped that he hadn’t notice the shake in your voice. The familiar beep of the card reader interrupted your worries momentarily as you heard the boy in front of you exhale a greeting. 

“Your usual?” He inquired as if he hadn’t already seen you with the drink two days in a row. Not trusting your voice, you simply nodded and waited for him to punch the order into the screen. His hand hesitated as he glanced up at you again. “You’re the only person I know still ordering cold drinks in this weather,” a teasing smile had blossomed on his pink lips and your heart jumped at the sight. 

“Well, I guess I’m just a bit stuck in my ways,” you followed him, as always, to the other side of the counter where orders were placed when finished. 

“I like that,” he commented as he grabbed a cup, “it makes my job a whole lot easier,” your eyes locked onto his hands out of instinct. Yesterday you had noticed the addition of a thin silver chain around his wrist, and you would be lying if you hadn’t spent a few minutes admiring the delicate chain contrasted against the strength of his hands. A pour of ice pulled you out of your thoughts, and you caught the back half of a question from him. 

“What’d you say?” You felt as if lava was bubbling right under the surface of your skin as you reeled in embarrassment. You couldn’t believe that you’d let yourself miss a chunk of conversation for something so stupid. 

“Oh,” he seemed equally embarrassed that you hadn’t heard him, and it hurt your heart a little to see the way his eyes shook. “I just wanted to know if you had a good night yesterday. I mean because you-you told me when we hung out that you had a lot of reading to do, and I wasn’t sure if you got it all done. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with readings that I don’t do any of them, and Taehyun yells at me for that but I just can’t seem to stop doing it.” He was rambling, and you both knew it, but you let him continue as he shyly looked away in order to pour your drink over the ice. 

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I had an okay night. My roommate was a bit much, but I love her, so it was okay.” His eyebrow quirked softly at the mention of your roommate, but he seemed afraid to broach the subject just yet. He gave your drink a good swirl after sealing on the lid and slid it over the smooth counter to your waiting hand. Unlike the first time you had met, you had already grabbed a straw from the small display and plunged it into the drink. 

Although you should have walked away, something kept you rooted to the spot, Hueningkai seemed to be under the same kind of spell as he looked over his shoulder to see that no one else had lined up to be served quite yet. 

“Hey, I was wonderi-”

“This might be weird-”

Your sentences clashed in the air as you spoke at the exact same time. Your mouth hung open like a fish out of water and Hueningkai waved his hands around wildly in your direction. “Go ahead!” He enthused, looking as if he was going to melt into the floor as a side effect of interrupting you. 

“No, I mean, you can say your thing first, if you- if you want,” you offered weakly. 

“No, it’s okay, you definitely spoke first. G-go ahead,” he nodded rapidly in order to convince you further. You raised your eyebrows in a silent question of ‘are you sure?’, to which he nodded again. 

“Okay, I was wondering if you’d like to, uhm, go out sometime? On a date?” The words felt like weights rolling off of your tongue. Hueningkai blinked once, twice, a third time before he broke into a peal of laughter. A sudden wash of panic, as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over your head, filled your senses. This was it. You would have to transfer schools and change your hair color to get rid of this incident. Goodbye, life you had come to know and love. 

Hueningkai must have recognized your panic as he took a harsh breath and surged forward to reach for your arm. 

“Wait! I wasn’t laughing at you! It’s just that I was, um, also going to ask you out.” This time, a laugh bubbled up in your throat at the confession. 

“You’re right. That is pretty hilarious.” You admitted, feeling the tension around you totally dissipate. 

“Well, I think this bodes well for us. We’ve only known each other for a few days and we already have telepathy. My roommate will be so jealous. He’s been trying to meld our minds for weeks.” His personality was beginning to peak through when he spoke about his friends, you noticed. It was charming. He was charming. Not to mention, he still made the best damn iced chai latte you’d ever had. 

[juliaisabellphoto]

My 2020 Albums of the Year

Never requested, always provided. Here are my favorites of 2020. Here’s the playlist. 

The Secret Sisters, Saturn Return

As soon as I saw “Water Witch, featuring Brandi Carlile” on this tracklist I knew that the Secret Sisters would be a favorite of 2020. In February, I was staying with a friend in Nashville and she mentioned them as a local favorite, and when I stopped at Grimey’s to shop for records I came upon a signed copy of “Saturn Return.” I had never heard the Secret Sisters before, but there is nobody I trust more to recommend music than this Nashville friend of mine, so I bought it. I made no mistake here: this record blew me away. The soft, soulful, lullaby of “Healer in the Sky” pulled me through the pain of the first month of quarantine and soothed me as the world was turned upside down. In reading more on the record, this seems to have been the point: they say, “this album is a reflection of us coming to terms with how to find our power in the face of an unfair world… our hope is that women can feel less alone in their journey through the modern world.” There is something in the caramel-thick sweetness of these sisters’ voices that makes a listener feel as though they’ve been bewitched into calm. When I think of this album, I think of the cross-country drive I took at the beginning of the pandemic to make my way home and the happy moments that can be found in darkness. No album touched my heart this year in the way that “Saturn Return” did. 

Taylor Swift, Folklore and Evermore

Taylor Swift… can even be said? Somehow, while we all sat on our couches in quarantine, this woman created not one but two musical masterpieces. She begins “the 1” by stating “I’m doin good, I’m on some new shit,” and that says a lot about the album as a whole. She created the 2020 we all wish we experienced: soft, sweet, and gentle. Listening to Folklore feels like visiting a cabin in the woods, with a fireplace well lit. Swift tells winding stories of love, hardship, and mystery and tenderly walks us through the forest of her imagination. This magical feeling was amplified by her release of The Long Pond Studio Sessions, a film in which Swift, Jack Antonoff, and Aaron Dessner finally play the album together for the first time after recording it entirely remotely. The setting matches the sound: they play in an album in the middle of the woods, cozy and hidden from the snow. Evermore cuts through the delicate ice of Folklore: it is the color to Folklore’s black and white. Swift combines the soft folk sound of “willow” with some of her country and Americana roots in “no body, no crime,” drawing us in once again. She includes Bon Iver singing in his lower register in Folklore and then in his falsetto in Evermore: two sides of the same magic coin. The work in these two albums is Swift’s strongest ever, and solidifies the fact that no modern artist can really reach her. 

Chris Stapleton, Starting Over 

Following a three-year hiatus, all lovers of southern rock deeply needed a Chris Stapleton album. In “Starting Over,” Stapleton yet again does what he does best: combines his unique whiskey-tinged growl with the best lyricism present in country music today. This record can’t be captured in any singular fashion, neither musically nor emotionally. The title track sets a high bar for the rest of the record with a reflection on re-remembering what really matters, a message certainly relevant for this turbulent year. Stapleton’s typical outlaw-country brand is present in full with “Devil Always Made Me Think Twice,” “Arkansas,” and “Hillbilly Blood,” but other songs take him in a completely new stylistic direction. “Maggie’s Song” takes on a very classic old-time country feel, as Stapleton weaves sweet and simple stories as he processes the loss of his pup. He harnesses the energy of the Chicks as he angrily lambasts the perpetrators of the 2017 mass shooting at Route 91. The song is a Stapleton-sponsored judgment day reckoning, including the cacophonic sound of a crowd in panic and the shrieks of a gospel choir. In contrast with this energetic high, Stapleton goes deep into his blues side by finally releasing “You Should Probably Leave,” a song he has been sitting on for six years. This one feels just right to sway around the kitchen to. With each listen to “Starting Over” I find new lyrics to write down and remember, new sounds to love. 

Bad Bunny, YHLQMDLG

Bad Bunny. Our unproblematic reggaeton prince. In the wake of his many popular features and his collaborative album with J Balvin, Bad Bunny makes it clear that it is time for Balvin to share the throne of popular reggaeton. He features the original reggaeton king Daddy Yankee in “La Santa,” paying tribute to the very classic reggaeton style before mixing it and transcending beyond the classics in the following tracks. “Yo Perreo Sola” is the album’s standout track, accompanied by my favorite music video of 2020. The song is an ode to gender equality and the destruction of the patriarchal norms contributing to gender-based violence. “Yo Perreo Sola,” meaning “I twerk alone,” sets the overarching theme of consent present throughout the song’s lyrics. In the video, Benito’s backdrop references the Argentinian-born “Ni Una Menos” movement, a now global movement against gender-based violence. As if this wasn’t enough to make you adore him, the video further extends its activism to the LGBTQ community, with Benito appearing in full drag, in his normal attire, and at some points held in chains by women. He makes a statement about sexuality and gender expression in the video, twerking solo. The other jawdropper track on YHLQMDLG is Safaera, a perfect display of Bad Bunny’s skill in expanding the scope of reggaeton as a genre. In the same thirty seconds of the song, he subtly samples both “Could You Be Loved” by Bob Marley and the Wailers and Missy Elliot’s “Get Ya Freak On” - a segment I just can’t get out of my head. Bad Bunny’s prowess on this record is rounded out with the aggressive and prideful “P FKN R.” What a masterpiece. 

Mac Miller, Circles 

A posthumous record that never should have been posthumous. A companion-piece to Mac’s 2018 record “Swimming,” Circles takes a similar tone, one of resilience through pain. The title track serves as a somber introduction, followed by the funk energy of “Complicated” and the GO:OD AM energy of “Blue World.” The song that really got to me, and many other fans of Mac, was “Good News.” It is the pinnacle of Mac’s musical insight and talent. The melody matches the melancholy of the track, as Mac sings of his desire for time and space. The melancholy is matched in “Everybody” with the lines about death feeling particularly haunting in the wake of Miller’s accidental overdose. Somehow, Miller wrote the perfect eulogy for himself prior to his passing, one that will live in the hearts of his fans forever. 

Kali Uchis, Sin Miedo (del Amor y Otros Demonios) ∞

I’m not quite sure what to call this record. If I just listened to “la luna enamorada,” a cover of a classic Cuban bolero, I would call it gorgeous. If I just listened to “fue mejor” featuring PARTYNEXTDOOR or “quiero sentirme bien,” I would call it sexy. If I just listened to “vaya con dios,” I would think she wrote the theme music for the next James Bond film. The bottom line of the record is Uchis’ absolute stunning use of her upper register. She hits notes that “Isolation” never would have foreshadowed, painting a dreamland for any listener. She slides back into the energy of her sophomore album in “telepatia,” but adds in moments of her new sound. She incorporates a slower reggaeton beat into no eres tu (soy yo), and dives into a heavier reggaeton sound in te pongo mal (prendelo.) My personal favorite of the record is “aqui yo mando!” with Rico Nasty: it is the perfect display of Uchis’ unique upper register combined with Rico’s trap style. Anyone passing this record up for another “Isolation” listen is missing out. 

FLETCHER, The S(ex) Tapes

This record has a story like no other, coming from a woman like no other. This EP was recorded while Fletcher quarantined with her ex-girlfriend, who also happened to film all of the music videos for it. It is this messiness that makes The S(ex) Tapes absolute magic. Fletcher’s own description of the name of the release explains the situation best:  “A sex tape is someone being captured in their most vulnerable, wildest, rawest form, and my ex has always captured me that way.” She captures all of the feelings of a breakup with someone you still love deeply, and the relationship relapse that comes with moving past those feelings. Fletcher’s special ability comes in representing these deeply painful experiences in an uplifting manner: this is a sexy pop EP meant to be danced to. Fletcher simultaneously validates all of the emotional tumult, but subtly nudges the listener toward blissful reckless abandon. It almost makes me wish I had a breakup to go through! The abrasive apathy of “Shh… Don’t Say It” and the flippant, angry vulnerability of “Bitter” are paired perfectly with Fletcher’s raw brand of distortion. In an interview with Nylon, Fletcher speaks to this: “Listen, I've done my fair share of just straight-up sad, crying in your bed music. I'm still going through shit, but I want to bop to it. We can still be emo and want to twerk at the same time.” Yes, Fletcher, we do. 

Halsey, Manic   

Prior to 2020, I wasn’t Halsey’s biggest fan. I wouldn’t have even called myself a fan. I just wasn’t that excited by her music. “I’m Not Mad” was the song that triggered a 180 for me. The heavy, dissonant kick of the drums and her raw, angry lyricism drew me in without hesitation. I suppose this was just the push I needed to fall in love with the rest of her music: the songs with similar bite, “Without Me” and “killing boys,” and the more raw side of the record in “You should be sad,” “929,” and “Graveyard.” Her vulnerability is so much of what makes this record perfect. The album fully made sense to me when I listened to her podcast feature on “Armchair Expert” with Dax Shepard. In it, she talks through the time period covered by the record and gives context to her powerful lyricism. “Manic” is a story of chasing someone she loved into drug-fueled oblivion, and then finally finding the power to leave. The album is brimming with this power, and I just can’t turn it off. 

HAIM, Women In Music Pt. III

HAIM is THE soft rock band of the modern era.Women In Music Pt. III, their most mature album yet, solidified this opinion for me in a way that I didn’t expect. There is so much to be said for this record: it is innovative and skilled, with the perfect balance of softness and hardness. Though the record is one of pain and trauma, you wouldn’t know it purely from its melodies. “Don’t Wanna” is a very classic HAIM pop rock number, and “The Steps” follows suit making frustration fun to dance to. Though one may not notice at first, in this record HAIM dives deeper than ever before. “Now I’m In It” does a phenomenal job of sonically representing the feeling of being completely and utterly overwhelmed. “I Know Alone” is a beautifully intimate rainy-day account of Danielle’s struggle with depression. Then comes “3AM” - a lighthearted song about a booty call with Thundercat-type bass and an R&B vibe - just in case you didn’t already know how much range these three sisters have. Everything about this record is filled with talent. 

Phoebe Bridgers, Punisher

Only Phoebe Bridgers could write a song about murdering a skinhead and fill it with nostalgia. “Garden Song,” the leading single preceding “Punisher,” foreshadowed a record that is just so very Phoebe: melancholy, vulnerable, and heart-wrenching. The eagerly awaited album certainly followed suit, with typical sad ballads “Halloween” and “Moon Song” played alongside more raucous, Better Oblivion Community Center-esque songs such as “Kyoto” and “ICU.” She goes bluegrass on “Graceland Too” with banjo, violin, and layered harmonies from boygenius collaborators Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker. In “Punisher,” Bridgers shares with us the wistful catharsis that she is so very talented at creating.

Noah Cyrus, THE END OF EVERYTHING 

I always underestimated Miley’s little sister, but here I am writing about her EP before I write about Miley’s in my end of the year roundup. Every piece in this record gave me chills: Cyrus’ lower register allows her to access a somber kind of ballad that I just can’t get enough of. The record starts off at a peak with the slow burn of “Ghost” and somehow manages to get even better with “I Got So High That I Saw Jesus.” This powerful song, even better in the live version where Miley joins her younger sister, builds into an almost gospel-like ode to the idea that everything will be okay. “July,” the single featuring Leon Bridges that pushed Cyrus into the national spotlight, stands as the most beautifully layered song of the EP. The soft guitar picking and choral sound complement Cyrus’ upper register. The whole record, extending through the closing title track, is a comforting, soft emotional analgesic for 2020. 

The Chicks, Gaslighter

This record is gorgeous. It is painful. The feelings Natalie Maines expresses in this record are feelings I have felt far too deeply in personal relationships, and they also are feelings everyone is feeling globally in 2020. “Gaslighter” is just straight up fun, a perfect extension of the Chicks’ energy found in “Goodbye Earl” and other older revenge numbers (but with an extra poppy Jack Antonoff twist this time.) “Tights On My Boat” is bitter, funny, and shows off Maines’ upper register with stripped guitar. “Sleep at Night” musically and lyrically embodies the pain of being betrayed. “Julianna Calm Down” is a stunning ballad of female resilience. “Texas Man” perfectly captures the bubbly feeling of moving on. “For Her” and “March March” fit in with the frustrated, betrayed, power-centered theme of the record in a very different way. The Chicks’ dualistic ability to discuss her ex-husband’s cheating alongside the band’s political views is what makes the record special: not only are we watching a woman try to move on and develop her personal strength, but we are also seeing this personal strength harnessed for political impact. They simultaneously denounce the abuse of power in both politics and relationships, while reclaiming that power for themselves in standing up for what they believe in. How very Chicks of them. 

Dua Lipa, Future Nostalgia

Dua motherfucking Lipa. This woman would have been the official owner of 2020 had we been able to dance to this record at bars and clubs. This was proven ten times over by the success of the album’s first single, “Don’t Start Now,” a song that is absolutely the MOST fun. Or so I thought… until I heard “Physical,” “Levitating,” and “Break My Heart.” What poor timing for such a phenomenal dance record, but at least she gave the people some great material for Tik Tok dances! All COVID-dance-related concerns aside, this is a really well done sophomore album for Dua Lipa. The funk elements of the album most clearly seen in “Levitating” elevate Dua’s brand of pop to a new level. The all gas no brakes nature of this dance-pop record works wonders for her - she knows what the people want from her, and she delivers. 

Megan Thee Stallion, Good News

THIS! RECORD! If WAP could be an album of the year, it would be, but it’s a standalone single and Megan Thee Stallion proceeded to release the next best thing. The explosion of Megan Thee Stallion has been a pleasure to watch in 2020, with both WAP and Savage leaving the charge. With an artist like her, it’s easy to get lost in the smash hits and ignore the prolific nature of her work. “Good News” is an immaculate rap album, brimming with sass and defiant bad bitch energy. “Shots Fired” kicks off the album with a Biggie sample and a diss to the man who shot her in the foot earlier in the year, personally my favorite track of the record. Other highlights of the record include “Don’t Stop” with a Young Thug feature, “Body” which is now a Tik Tok staple, and “What’s New.” Perhaps the most impressive work Megan does on “Good News” is “Girls in the Hood,” a rework of Eazy-E’s Boyz-N-The-Hood. She inverts the classic misogyny of the original song by emphasizing her control over men like Eazy-E in an indignant assertion of female power. This embodies Megan Thee Stallion’s essence: busting in on a male industry and making her presence known.

Rico Nasty, Nightmare Vacation

Nobody does it like Rico Nasty, and I’m convinced nobody ever will. I saw a New York Times headline titled “Can the Mainstream Catch Up to Rico Nasty?” the other day and I think the answer is a firm no. Rico is abrasive, rude, and outside the box in the absolute best way. Need an album to slap in the car when you’re feeling like a bad bitch? This. is. it. The record kicks off with “Candy,” a song with a wild beat and the iconic chorus line “Call me crazy, but you can never call me broke.” Following is a Don Toliver and Gucci Mane feature in “Don’t Like Me,” a song that truly should have hit the mainstream by now. She gets back to her signature scream-rap in “STFU” and “OHFR.” “OHFR” is the confident standout of the album, along with the reworked re-release of “Smack a Bitch,” making it clear that Rico Nasty is not a woman to be fucked with. In “Back and Forth” with Amine, Rico steps into Amine’s “Limbo” style and does it well. The record’s second single “Own It” is a more classic club banger that unfortunately didn’t get to see the dark of night in any clubs this year. Even if the mainstream never catches up to Rico Nasty, I’ll be following along with her self-labelled “sugar trap.” 

Ariana Grande, Positions

I mean, duh. Ariana just doesn’t miss. She surprised everyone with this album’s release in Fall 2020, displaying the bliss of her relationship with later-confirmed fiance. She goes dirtier than usual in the sex-centered “34+35” and “nasty,” rounding the record out with the Craig David-reminiscent “positions.” Ariana allows herself to lust for someone and even love for them in these three, but defaults to her brimming self-confidence in “just like magic” and “west side.” The album is more R&B than pop at times, with the peak of this style visible in the groove of “my hair” and the Mariah Carey ballad-like nature of “pov.” Each album, Grande shifts just a little bit, keeping us attached: “Sweetener”’s cotton-candy pop, the savage pop-trap of “thank u, next,” and the R&B conclusion of the spectrum with Positions. 

Miley Cyrus, Plastic Hearts 

This year I anticipated no record more than I did “Plastic Hearts.” Its leading single, “Midnight Sky,” described by Pitchfork as a “cocaine-dusted disco track,” channels Stevie Nicks’ eighties rock-pop era in the absolute best way. Apparently this opinion was even picked up by Stevie herself, as the two collaborated on a mash-up of “Midnight Sky” and Stevie’s “Edge of Seventeen” (the excitement from which nearly led to my passing away, by the way.) Cyrus’ voice is in the perfect place on this record, with “Plastic Hearts” emphasizing her rasp and making me want to spin around a room. She dips into the pop realm in “Prisoner” with Dua Lipa, a song that Lipa clearly influences with an unforgettably sexy music video. Every song is different on this record: “Gimme What I Want” channels the grinding rock sound of Nine Inch Nails, “Bad Karma” allows Joan Jett’s punchy style to run the show, and she slips on the shoes of Billy Idol in their collaboration, Night Crawling. Somehow, Miley manages to wear the shoes well, and 80s copycat record or not, I can’t stop listening. “Never Be Me” is where she shines most deeply, baring her soul, the complicated nature of her past few years’ journey, and her knowledge of who she is and always will be for the world to hear. I’m not sure if I’m blinded to the album’s flaws by my absolute and complete love for everything about Miley’s current persona, but I am a huge fan. 

Glass Animals, Dreamland

The sound of this album is such a blissful respite! Glass Animals gives us the fun and funky techno-pop that they always do, but dive into personal lyricism in a way that they never have before. Many of the songs actually have a storyline (an intentionally rare feat for Dave Bayley, first broken with the incredible “Agnes” on their last album.) This record explores trauma and pain in “Domestic Bliss” and “It’s All So Incredibly Loud,” Bayley using the soft sides of his voice to express pained desperation. The boisterous energy of the past two records is not forgotten in Dreamland’s intimacy, however: “Hot Sugar,” “Tokyo Drifting,” and “Space Ghost Coast To Coast” do the trick. “Space Ghost Coast To Coast” is the most intriguing song on the record: at first listen, I had absolutely no idea what Dave was discussing and assumed it was just his typical neuroscience-inspired ear-candy. Upon a deeper dive, the song addresses the factors that encouraged Dave’s childhood friend to bring a gun to school. He disguises a discussion of the risk factors involved in school shootings within his flowery, figurative linguistic excellence. This duality of blissful melody and solemn subject matter is the magic of Glass Animals. 

Empress Of, I’m Your Empress Of 

This album is an emotional electro-pop masterpiece. This record meditates on the feelings felt in the wake of a relationship’s end. She begins the album with a quote from her mother about the reality and value of struggle, then launching into a synth-filled storm of missing someone. “Love Is A Drug” is the album’s next fun dance track, addressing the addictive quality of touch after you lose someone you love and embodying the urgency of the feeling. She takes a more somber tone with the influence of Jim-E Stack in “U Give It Up,” incorporating quotes from her mother about the difficulty of womanhood and reminiscing on love lost. In “Should’ve,” the post-relationship regret is palpable in her vocal tone and production, and in “Maybe This Time” she contemplates this pain. In “Give Me Another Chance,” her emotions swing the other way, with a bouncing dance beat and pleading vocals. The album concludes with the heartfelt and pain-filled “Hold Me Like Water” and the dissonant “Awful,” leaving the listener to meditate on the mood swings of a broken relationship. 

Tame Impala, The Slow Rush 

This album came out so early in 2020 that it already feels like a vintage piece of music. Perhaps that was the point. Although “The Slow Rush” had a hard time living up to Kevin Parker’s last epic masterpiece “Currents,” it was the fix many fans like myself needed after five years without an LP. “Borderline,” the single that allowed anticipation of the album to build, stands out as one of the most essentially Parker tracks of the record. He introduces a little Toro y Moi style funk in “Is It True,” and highlights his voice more than usual in “Lost In Yesterday.” “Posthumous Forgiveness” builds in the wonderfully dissonant fashion that fans learned to love through “Eventually.” The bass track on “Glimmer” is so good that I never even noticed it had nearly no lyrics. This record is not groundbreaking by any standards in the way that “Currents” was, but it is intentionally jubilant and energetic in a way that still feels good. Even if he doesn’t shatter any expectations in “The Slow Rush,” Tame Impala’s tracklist still makes the perfect sunset companion. 

Joji, Nectar

Joji’s “Nectar” is just that: sweet R&B nectar, from the minute the first track plays. Joji’s work here is not in the individual tracks, but in the sonic experience he creates with the album as a whole. This is not an album to pick out singles from: it is a full cinematic mood adjustment. Maybe it’s the weed I smoked when I first listened, but the record feels like a wonderful progression of gentle yet rhythmic R&B songs. The transition from the soft and contemplative “MODUS” to the more upbeat trap-infused “Tick Tock” to the full R&B ballad “Daylight” featuring Diplo raises the listener’s energy gradually to a crescendo. “Run” is a gorgeous and sad confessional of disappointment, and “Sanctuary” follows as a soft and uplifting analgesic to that pain. “Pretty Boy” and “777” mark the more upbeat section of the record, filled with Joji’s accounts of living far too fast. The tracks of this record all bleed into each other seamlessly, mixing pain and confidence in an emotional rollercoaster.

Amine, Limbo

My journey to being an Amine fan started with “Caroline,” ended with “Heebiejeebies,” and started back up again when he found depth in “ONEPOINTFIVE.” His 2020 release is exactly why I came around to his music yet again. The record is soulful and fun, with the flute and cocky lyrics in “Woodlawn” and the funky beat and Young Thug feature of “Compensating.” The two songs I absolutely can’t stop listening to however, are “Can’t Decide” and “Becky.” “Can’t Decide” highlights Amine’s singing voice and dips away from rap and trap into the more traditional R&B realm. “Becky” is an intimate account of the difficulties involved with interracial dating, both in public and in the family realm. The two sides of the album, one emphasizing rhythm and immaculate production, and the other lyricism and emotion, are found in these two songs. The punchy “Pressure In My Palms” (featuring slowthai and Vince Staples) and “Riri” round out the record’s light side. In “Limbo,” Amine finds the perfect balance. 

Fleet Foxes, Shore

This album is a wave of calm. Robin Pecknold’s soothing voice is exactly what we needed more of this year. Pitchfork described his mission as “turning anxiety into euphoria,” and that is how this record feels. Each song is dynamic and filled with what makes Fleet Foxes so special. There is a choral quality to the vocals of “Shore,” as always, adding to the calm aura of the record. “A Long Way Past The Past” takes the listener on a what feels like a long walk filled with serious conversation. “Going-to-the-Sun Road,” a song that takes its name from the famous cliffside road through Glacier National Park, oozes sunshine in its Tame Impala-Bon Iver crossover sound. “Cradling Mother, Cradling Woman,” truly feels like being cradled in sound. Fleet Foxes has a knack for beginning songs by hitting the listener with a wall of sound, and that is so perfectly represented in this track. This is a seriously beautiful album. 

Cam, The Otherside

Cam’s voice is irresistible. She showed her talent for sharing painful ballads in her breakthrough single “Burning House,” and in “The Otherside” she digs deeper. She writes this record in a period of change, and captures this change and dissonance in the nostalgia of “Redwood Tree.” She teamed up with Avicii for the title track before he passed away, and it shows. His signature building melodies and guitar breaks are clear, and they go perfectly with the range of Cam’s voice. She truly shows her range in this track and this record in general, from the highs in “The Otherside” and the lows of “Changes.” “Changes” is another standout of the album, co-written by Harry Styles. This record is a gorgeous account of outgrowing love and outgrowing people after the deep bliss that you felt with them in the past. “Till There’s Nothing Left” and “Classic” are the big love songs of the record, one that melts you and one that makes you want to dance in a field of flowers. The sisterly confessional “Diane” pulls Cam back to her country roots. She ends the record with what made her famous: a beautiful, sad ballad backed only by piano. Her unique vocals are on full display as the record concludes, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. 

Omar Apollo, Apolonio

Omar Apollo had his breakthrough in this record. His work spans languages and genres in a big way in “Apolonio.” “Kamikaze” and “Staybacik” stick to his typical R&B style, better produced than it ever has been. “Dos Uno Nueve (219)” goes a completely different direction, a Mexican corrido track featuring Yellow Room Music, honoring the Latinx musical styles that he expressed admiration for. Apollo also explores his sexuality in this album, fluidly discussing his bisexuality in “Kamikaze” and “I’m Amazing” in an exploratory manner. The whole album is generally quite exploratory, a quality that makes me even more excited for the work that is to come from Apollo. 

Also worth mentioning: 

Diplo, Diplo Presents Thomas Wesley: Snake Oil

Thundercat, It Is What It Is

Sylvan Esso, Free Love

Lauv, ~how i’m feeling~

Niall Horan, Heartbreak Weather 

J Balvin, Colores 

Kelsea Ballerini, kelsea 

Dominic Fike, What Could Possibly Go Wrong

[jswdmb1]

Solsbury Hill

“So I went from day to day

Though my life was in a rut

'Til I thought of what I'll say

Which connection I should cut”

- Peter Gabriel

I have mentioned this before, but I don’t remember my last drink or the last time I used drugs.  The only thing that I remember was coming to the conclusion that I wasn’t well and could not recover without being sober.  That happened a couple of weeks into an outpatient program that I had entered after suffering a “nervous breakdown”.  I think that is an outdated term that doesn’t mean anything medically, but everyone knows what it means.  I was in a free-fall spiral downward and the program saved me.  

I did not enter the program for addiction rehab.  It was instead the equivalent of being admitted to the hospital for psychiatric illness but I got to go home at night.  But being that mental illnesses and addiction often go hand-in-hand, the subject of sobriety quickly came up.  You actually were required to take a pledge to not drink or use drugs while you were admitted as no treatment could really be evaluated properly while using them.  I didn’t follow the pledge at first, and remember taking Ativan in the morning to settle my nerves and having a couple of beers at night to unwind from a long day of therapy.  

After a week or two, though, I talked one day in group about my personal experience and struggles with drinking and using substances to numb myself.  During a break, another patient, who was normally very quiet came up to me and confided that he was in AA and that he thought I could benefit.  It was the first time in my life I really questioned my relationship with drugs and alcohol and it occurred to me that while not a cure for all my problems, sobriety could certainly help me deal with them better.  From that point forward, I stopped going into the program in the mornings high, and quit having the end-of-day drinks.  I wish I could say it was a dramatic moment that resonated with me, but it wasn’t.  It’s just something that happened that was a bigger part of a transformation I was experiencing.  I wish I had written something down to help me find the date, but I didn’t do it.  It’s still something that I like to note, so I use the day I was discharged as my sober anniversary.  That was October 6, 2017.

I mentioned about a week ago that I was restless, but I kind of knew that it was mostly because today was coming up.  While I felt pretty confident that I would make it to my two-year anniversary, you never take sobriety for granted.  Each morning you wake up with the gift of a brand new day and you have to earn that  each-and-every time.  Some days can be easier than others, but it never comes without the understanding that nothing is a given.  For me, it means respecting that I am mentally more healthy than I have ever been in my life and I wouldn’t be here if I were still drinking and using drugs.  Anytime that I get the slightest temptation to revert to my old ways, I remind myself of that fact.  I also remember how much my whole outlook on life has changed for the better.  I now cherish the simpler pleasures of life that I didn’t before and I have a new appreciation for the family and friends I have around me supporting me every step of the way.  Once I go through that whole process, I have never had to go further to resist the temptation for a drink.  

I bring this up mostly to help anyone else out there who may be struggling with their demons, whatever those may be.  I understand that the path I have taken is not for everyone and I don’t think most need to take it.  Each individual person has their own story and needs to decide for him or her self what the right choice is.  But, if you think you are someone who is suffering or hurting and suspect that there could be a possibility that sobriety would help ease that pain, I highly recommend taking a turn down that road.  You will not be able to do it alone, so start by seeking out someone close to you to help you through.  AA meetings, while not something I use, can be helpful if you have no where else to turn.  I think group therapy works even better and there are many support groups you can join at no cost (see the DuPage chapter of NAMI if you live in the area).  No matter how you do it, just start talking to someone.  Until you verbalize the issue, it just stays inside you and eats you up.  I never believed that until I actually did it myself.  The burden of a thousand stones lifts the first time you admit out loud that you may have a problem.  Doing that with people who are supportive and caring makes it so much easier.

I also bring this up because I am very proud of myself.  I don’t brag very often, but I have worked very hard to get to this point and I definitely want to share it.  If I can even be so bold, I hope to even serve as an inspiration to others who may have similar experiences.  Even if that does not happen, I feel good knowing that I can at least be a role model to my kids as they start moving through their teen years and I am looking forward to having very frank discussions about the good and the bad of alcohol and drugs and letting them know in a very honest way how I have struggled with both.  The conversation will not be to scare them but instead to give them information that I didn’t have at their age so they can at least make better decisions along the way.

And with this, I am going to close out my little mini-marathon of writing that I went on this week and declare my restlessness somewhat abated.  Maybe that is the wrong word to use - I think instead I have accepted that there is a fair amount going on around me and that these feelings of anxiety are normal.  Just like my acceptance of sobriety as a day-to-day thing, my struggles with my own mental health and how I feel at any given point are always going to be something for me to acknowledge needs patience.  I think I am okay with that as I move on to a new day tomorrow - and isn’t that the beauty of life anyway?  I mean, getting that fresh start each and every morning to do whatever it is that you want to do with that day?  For me, that is going to be getting up knowing I start my third year sober not having every problem solved, but with the resolve to keep working at it.

Thanks so much for listening this week.  I’m going to take a bit of a break from writing for a couple of weeks, but don’t worry as I have plenty more to say so this blog isn’t going away anytime soon.  While you wait, I’ll be releasing my special “Take A Chance And Read Some Chance” playlist containing all of the songs that I have used in this blog since day one.  It’s a pretty groovy playlist, if I say so myself, and I think it will pass the time nicely for you until I return.

Until then, and as always, cheers,

- Jim   

[danielxrk]

                        ✞ SELF WRITTEN RAP *   HEAT

( * mentioned, some very briefly: @rkxsungwoon @rkminhyun @rkkenta @rkpwj @haknyeonrk  @rkjeongin​  @rkeunji @joohyunrk @yuzurk @rkyuri @hyojinrk @rkpjy @jacksxnrk @rkjeonghxn @rkyeji @rksuwoong @rktaeyang @rkmason )

it’s like daniel doesn’t breathe from the moment the judges return from their deliberations. it’s not like last season, at least not yet-- no personal feedback and eliminations, and considering the sheer number of contestants, it makes sense, even if he didn’t consider how it would happen. he holds kenta and minhyun’s hands, and he doesn’t know if it’s to aid them or himself. he’s more nervous for them. daniel doesn’t know if he’ll make it, but he doesn’t really need this show-- doesn’t have the same talents to show as the others. he already got his experience from last season. this is what he tells himself to calm his nerves, anyway, and to quell that growing greed and hunger: i want this. this time i want to win.

sungwoon’s name comes first-- a given. daniel would probably leave the competition if he continued to the second round without him, but they don’t know if he’ll even get that far yet. minhyun’s name comes next, and daniel squeezes his hand in acknowledgement. next it’s woojin, and daniel lets himself get his hopes up. can they all continue on together? kenta is the one he worries for most. he doesn’t know how long kenta and woojin have both been dancing, but he doesn’t think it’s been long, and woojin’s dancing seems a little sharper-- a little more powerful, even to daniel’s untrained eye. his grip on kenta’s hand tightens, and he doesn’t know if it’s for his friend’s sake or his own. then his name comes, and daniel exhales, and it takes a moment for it to sink in. when it does, he throws is arms over both minhyun and kenta’s shoulders as best as he can and shakes them out of excitement.

they’re all going on together. he tells himself he won’t be greedy and hope for more than this; two rounds with all of them is more than enough-- a blessing, an honor, a privilege. he doesn’t know if they’ll get more than that, but he’ll enjoy it while they can.

it takes a moment to reel himself in and listen as they explain the next round, and there’s a pit in his stomach mixed with some intrinsic motivation. competing in your best skill. his mind flashes back to that room on audition day, of last year especially-- and the way his resolve shook more and more with each singer, undoubtedly more talented. the performances today only confirmed that fact. he knows he improved since last year, but he also knows it’s not enough. he looks from minhyun to sungwoon subtly-- both dear friends, and better singers than him. he doesn’t want to compete with that, not just because he knows he can’t, but because he doesn’t want to risk scraping by by the skin of his teeth and stealing a spot from one of them.

the singing category will be more competitive. he knows this, and among all of that talent, surely he’ll be below the cutoff. is there anywhere he won’t be below the cutoff? dancing is out, obviously, so his mind wanders to rap. it’s a new skill for him, and one he knows he has no right to believe he can win in, yet there’s a part of him that wonders. if he can put up a fight, does he have a better chance there than singing, among less contestants-- with more spots available to them? he was eliminated last year because in a team among singers, he was clearly the worst. he doesn’t know if his growth is enough to prevent that again, and the last thing he wants to do is go out the same way. he didn’t come back to repeat history. at the very least, he wants to go down swinging.

his thought process is broken by sungwoon getting up, and claiming he's going to switch to rap. daniel's brain short-circuits, expression going completely blank. can you even rap? he overhears from someone in front of them, inevitably one of the people cheering through the entire show, and sungwoon demands someone beatbox for him, and daniel is just caught in the crossfire of this. sungwoon then proceeds to drop an incredibly fire freestyle (see: horrible, even though daniel kind of thinks it's cute.) by the end, he knows he's just kidding, but daniel is also on his feet.

sungwoon makes it clear it's a joke, and daniel laughs but--

"no, but i'm actually switching to rap," daniel says, only to be met with blank faces all around.

sungwoon's why goes unspoken, so daniel's voice drops low, only for him to hear: "i got eliminated when all i had to do was sing." that's enough for sungwoon to understand.

daniel turns back to the others, smile on his face. "don't worry, guys. i've got this."

narrator: he does not got this (yet)

it's not that he regrets his decision upon beginning preparation for his performance, it's just that...he wishes he was better. he wishes he was better at everything-- that his singing was even remotely remarkable so he had a chance there, that he had more natural rapping talent that emerged when he picked it up for trc's triple threat challenge, just for fun. he wants more, and he can't help but feel where he's lacking will become abundantly clear next episode. but what can he do but try his best? it doesn't stop him from doubting, and there are more than a few times he wishes he stuck with singing, with all of the songs in his back pocket that would suit him singing with his trusty guitar. rap? he has nothing.

haknyeon proves a big help, not just in cleaning up his rapping itself, but in helping him find songs. he helps daniel narrow down the song choices he picked out among the "khiphop" playlist he found on spotify, trying desperately to latch onto anything relatable that he could regurgitate on stage. there were rap songs he heard when he lived in vancouver too-- english, but none of them stood out as something he'd like to perform. by saturday, he's narrowed it down significantly, and has an inkling of an idea.

his dad calls him after the episode airs; apparently mina convinced him to watch it with her, and daniel doesn't know whether to feel relieved or not that he and his sister's silent agreement to never speak of his time on the mgas last year is broken now. all of his family knows how much he loves music now, so it's fine, right? still, there's more pressure. to his surprise, he isn't met with harshness; it's more you did well and you wrote that song? and i wish they showed more of it and even if we wish you would've done different, i'll be supporting you and remember, glorifying god is the most important thing. it's better than daniel expected, and it's not like he's wrong. he wants to show a different side of himself than he did last round, and that's partially why he chose rap, but he doesn't know how to really display that and remain true to himself, too.

he showed different sides of himself last season too, from singing a worship song out of panic at his first audition to...whatever he did for troublemaker. even if he's distanced himself from his mother, and the kind of organized religion he couldn't untie from her, his faith is still strong-- an unshakable and undeniable part of daniel at his core, and it feels like if he didn't show that on this competition it...wouldn't be right. if he believes what the bible says is true, that's his primary purpose in life, so shining the light on god on stage feels like the least he can do.

it's what compels him to delve into the world of christian rap, even if the lyrics of it all is in english. that's an important side of himself too, so he isn't opposed to rapping in english this round, even if the meaning would be lost on much of the audience. katie lee at least knows english, right? would her name be katie lee if she didn't? he can probably get away with it. he settles on five different ideas, but he's not content with the songs alone. he knows if he wants to stand out, or have any chance against these rappers better and more experienced than him, he has to do what he does best: write lyrics.

he hasn't ventured into the realm of writing raps before, but now's the time.

his intention at first is to rap part of the original song of whatever he chooses in the end, and write his own verse to finish out the song, or maybe to start it out-- he isn't sure yet, but then he thinks...is that enough? he starts venturing out into the land of instrumental beats. he reminds himself that he doesn't have much experience with rapping-- that it's greedy to think he can write a full rap himself and stand a chance, and yet...what does he have to set him apart other than this? he doesn't have remarkable skill. if he writes one verse on his own, he has the sliver of a chance to stand out, but if he does more...

maybe everyone will wonder if he's capable of performing anyone else's songs after two weeks of original content in a row, if he truly goes down this path. but if he makes it further than this, won't he have the chance to prove it? he might not get the chance to share his own words again for the entirety of the competition. if he makes it further, he'll show that too. he has enough songs he wants to cover that aren't his own, he just needs to show everything he has to show, and in the end, all he really has to show are...his own words.

if he's going to rap, it needs to have impact. he needs to make up for anywhere he lacks with something hard-hitting, and it needs to be in the rap itself, but the instrumental is important, too. that sets the tone for the entire performance, and he can't even begin to work on the lyrics without settling on that. what he is settled on: this is what he's doing. he's going to write his own rap.

that train of thought is how he somehow ends up listening to girl groups-- entirely unfamiliar territory for daniel, outside of eclipse, whom he recently discovered and somewhat likes thanks to chase me. he knows luxe is that group sungwoon likes, or something, and k.arma is that group jeongin likes, but he hasn't listened to either of them before. he finds himself drifting to their instrumentals naturally, and he thinks...what better way to stand out than to rap over a girl group's instrumental? it'll be shocking in general, especially from someone like daniel, who seemed so trapped in the mold of singer-songwriter and guy in a metal band. i feel good is too fast, even for someone surprisingly capable of rapping at high speeds for how long he's been rapping. he can't wrap his head around how he would even begin to rap over news. every night is way more in the realm of possibility, but he isn't really sure if it suits what he wants. what does he want? a mystery. he ventures further into girl groups-- more obscure ones, ones he's never heard of, and he finds a song with a good instrumental, and luckily, when he searches for the instrumental itself, it appears.

next, his confidence wavers, and he bobbles back and forth on whether to use an existing rap song as his framework-- only writing a verse himself, or if he wants to go the full nine yards. he's painfully aware of the time he's wasting with each passing hour, so he enlists the help of empty enigma in deciding. kenta encourages him to rap over another beat, claiming daniel's good sense of rhythm will be able to make it sound cool, and if that wasn't enough, in asking, it becomes clear what daniel hopes they'll say. maybe he just needed an extra confidence boost to actually do this.

he spends the next days with his time equally spent between his own home and the empty enigma apartment, scrawling lyrics into his notebook that holds countless songs, well-worn. there, he raps them quietly to himself, under his breath. it's mostly just him, sungwoon and minhyun here, woojin and kenta out practicing their dancing in more appropriate places, inevitably. it doesn't stop him from pestering them all over which version of his lyrics sound better. (if jealousy is just your fate i guess that might be fine too or if jealousy is how you're made i guess that might be fine too?) but he doesn't rap much of it out loud, preferring to leave it as a surprise for the day of his performance, but they probably hear enough bits and pieces to add it all up into the whole song, anyway. in his own apartment, rapping his written lines over and over again as he goes about his daily routine until they're seared into his memory and flow off of his tongue as close to second nature as possible.

he needs all the help standing out this round that he can get. now he just needs to make sure it's good.

he trails into the venue after the rest of his bandmates, just like before, and something about the reduced number of chairs makes his stomach feel sick. it's a reminder that even if they all survived to this round, their chances of doing so again grow slimmer and slimmer, as that number of chairs lessens. their group hesitates, searching for somewhere to sit, and daniel and sungwoon make eye contact in a silent understanding that they don't want to sit near the people they sat with last episode. "hey, let's go sit over here!" daniel suggests good naturedly, leading them to the other side of the stage, and they take a seat in the same row as they did before, in a completely different area than previously.

sungwoon sits down first. "i'm sitting next to you this time," daniel says, no room for argument, and sits down right beside him. kenta sits in the seat next to him again, woojin next to him, minhyun on the end beside sungwoon, and that puts daniel right in the middle. it's what he deserves, for how much emotional support he's going to need for this round. much to daniel's relief, eunji's group sits where they sat last time, well away from daniel and the rest of empty enigma, and he feels some of the tension in his shoulders fade. as close as he is to joohyun, it's probably better they don't sit together too, if only for sungwoon's sake (and so daniel can hold his hand as long as he wants, guilt-free.)

he watches as more contestants fill in, the seats growing full quickly, but the ones in front of them remain open. that doesn't last for long. daniel watches in sheer and utter horror as the people he recognizes from the loud and overwhelming row in front of them from last round and kenta, of all things, motions them over. daniel and sungwoon turn, a staring-into-the-camera-like-they're-on-the-office moment, but staring at each other instead, and daniel sees the moment where sungwoon really considers getting up and leaving the rest of them by themselves to deal with this. really, valid reaction. maybe daniel could follow him, and sungwoon alone would be all the support he needs for this; he acknowledges that as a very likely reality, but it doesn't mean he wants to leave the others. "don't leave me with them," he whispers, eyes pleading, hand on his arm to make sure he can't so easily get away, and that seems to do the trick.

as if that wasn't bad enough, a girl he recognizes as yena comes over and starts talking to kenta, and-- actually, this part isn't so bad. he says hi to her with a smile, otherwise observing their conversation quietly, always the better listener than conversationalist. he knows yena, though-- met her at a festival a while ago and maybe...met her as cameo. that part, he doesn't entirely remember. she takes her leave soon enough.

the performances start up more quickly this time, and he supposes that makes sense with half the contestants. they'll start with the singers. that gives daniel some time to prepare-- or to sit through countless people better than him and psych himself out, depending on your perspective. he tries to distract himself with the performances to calm his nerves, but he reaches for sungwoon's hand almost as soon as they begin, and he doesn't let go. in it he finds comfort-- leverage, stability, something a little grounding that brings his head and flying thoughts back down to earth.

yena performs first, and she's charming, as he remembers her being. her voice isn't the best, and he can relate, but she still makes a nice performance, and he hopes he'll be able to do the same for the rap category. there's another performer he doesn't recognize, and then it's sungwoon's turn before he knows it. he squeezes his hand in encouragement, and smiles up at him as he stands. this time feels different than last round; he's less dazed and distant, and thinks he won't be as caught off guard, unless sungwoon decides to serenade him without him knowing again-- can he call it that? is that what it was? when sungwoon takes to the stage, daniel feels like those walls that they've been chipping away at since the end of march might finally be coming down. as always, sungwoon does well-- voice always prevailing above everything, powerful over any background noise, commanding all attention. if it's not that, it's his presence, and both go together to create an incredible performer. he doesn't even have to be doing anything, he can just stand there and sing. daniel wishes he could do that. it's just one of the many things daniel admires him for, and he always has, from the moment he met him. sungwoon's two minutes pass too quickly, and the brief respite daniel found suspended in his voice ends with it.

sungwoon returns, and when he does, daniel narrows his eyes. what the hell is he carrying? kenta catches on before daniel does-- ah, yes, shoelifts. daniel can't relate. "what...happened?" daniel asks. how did his shoelifts get from...his shoes to his hands? he just looks back and forth from hi to kenta wildly as the ensuing argument happens, eyes ever widening, countless words he could say on the tip of his tongue but never coming out as the conversation barrels on. "you're both--" not that short, he wants to say, but as a certified tall person, he has no right, and he also realizes he doesn't know how often he's seen them without insoles. he feels oddly betrayed by this realization suddenly, and sungwoon is hollering about seeing kenta's feet and kenta is talking about makeup on feet and daniel blinks in utter despaired confusion. "can we stop talking about feet.." he mutters sadly, and thank god, they do.

once they finally settle down, daniel utters a quiet "you did well," to sungwoon, and squeezes his hand one more time. he retracts it quickly though, out of fear of overdoing it, or making his attachment too obvious, or annoying him, or something else he probably has no reason to worry about but will anyway, as always. his hand is sweaty anyway. he rubs it on his pants, as subtly as he can.

a girl sings next, and daniel vaguely recognizes her-- maybe these performers stuck in his head more than he thought after all. minhyun is up next though; he knows this because he's been keeping track in alphabetical order as best as he can. if he's not up next it's soon, and he's just as quickly proven right. he leans forward far enough just to look at him and say, "good luck minhyun hyung!" somehow, he's surprised by minhyun's talent again, as he is each time. maybe he keeps getting better, or maybe he can't dissociate minhyun as manager of the band, always someone behind the scenes instead of someone deserving of the stage, and capable of filling one all by himself. he likes watching him, though, and he wonders if minhyun feels the same as he did last year: like the mgas are showing him he really does have a place on stage.

they need to get through several singers after that, and daniel zones in and out-- in for yuri, who stood out to him last round, and to hyojin, his unexpected collaboration partner, and in for jinyoung, whose performance he liked last time and who seems...vaguely familiar? he tries to pay attention to jackson too, if only for rockstar solidarity, and by then, the singers are already finished. somehow, it simultaneously went faster and slower than he expected, like some kind of time warp. he almost says something like you already performed, so now you get to be bored instead of nervous, to sungwoon, but becomes keenly aware of the cameras and dangling microphones and how unkindly that might paint him, so quickly decides against it.

besides, now that dancers are up, he has a new stake in this. joohyun starts off, so it's with a bang, naturally, and daniel finds himself far more nervous watching her now than last round, knowing she's dancing with an injury. he's on the edge of his seat the entire time, expression probably set in something close to a grimace, but when he realizes, he tries to control it, because that won't show well on camera either. then it happens: she stumbles, and his heart drops, and that grimace is back on his face, justifiably so, and he prays she makes it through safely from now on. he should've prayed for her from the start. he should've prayed for all of them.

she makes it through-- finishes as strong as she can, but daniel knows joohyun, and knows she'll be devastated. part of him thinks this is his fault; he didn't shut down her idea of joining the show again. he wanted her here with him, even if it wasn't the best for her, and now she's suffering for it. when she steps off stage, he stands up on instinct, without much thought, craning his neck to see her on the other side of the stage-- to make sure she's okay. he wants to do something. in his heart, he wants to run over to her to check for himself, to see if he can do anything to help. he doesn't even know if mnet will let him leave his seat, or if he'll only make things worse, but sungwoon says, "go check to see if she's okay," from beside him, and it's like that releases him to. he nods, and lets his feet carry him to her side, where he pulls her into a hug as soon as he can, suddenly immune to eunji's presence and everything else. "you did the best you could," he whispers, still lingering in the hug. "you're really brave and i wish i could be more like you." he knows he can't stay too long, so he pulls away, ruffles her hair, and just watches her for a moment. he nods at her, slowly, some silent message exchanged between them: i know you. you're strong and you can get through this. she nods back.

he heads back to his seat, and his eyes still drift back to joohyun across the stage from him once he's seated. he accidentally meets the gaze of the man beside her-- one of the people he saw comforting joohyun before he could. daniel doesn't remember his name, but his eyes bore into him so fiercely that something about it brings a chill to his blood, so he looks away.

daniel expects to dissociate through the dancers, if only because he couldn't tell the difference between dancers' talent if it smacked him in the face, but his cousin, yeji, performs early, and eunji after that. he feels too guilty to even watch eunji, even if he wants to, so he stares, unfocused, through the chair in front of him, painstakingly, through her full performance. he pays a little more attention to the others, but it all blurs together until he hears suwoong's name called, and he perks up, if only because he expects this to be interesting after trot ring ding dong. he isn't disappointed.

woojin is next up, and he does a silent "fighting" gesture to his friend as he stands up, even if he doesn't even know if woojin saw it. when woojin takes to the stage, daniel still can't believe he didn't even know woojin could dance. he's this good and daniel didn't even know. what did daniel miss? did woojin keep it that under wraps or is he just stupid? a mystery. when in doubt, assume both. he claps for him enthusiastically when he steps off stage, and makes sure to tell him he did a good job, too. kenta's performance is up next, and daniel somewhat roughly pats his back to send him off, big smile on his face, and daniel watches him just as intently. it's a performance that really suits kenta, more than he thought his last one did, truthfully, and he's so thankful he gets to show this side of him on the competition at least once. it's so sincerely kenta that it's only appropriate.

he pays attention to taeyang's performance after too, a little shocked by how many contestants in this show he actually knows-- a little worried about how painful eliminations will be from here on out. sometime-- maybe at the end of the dancers, or the beginning of the rappers --daniel's hand finds sungwoon again with the resurgence of his nerves. mason is in rap, of all things, and daniel didn't anticipate that much, for some reason. he's so good. daniel both has goosebumps because of the impactfulness of the performance and because he's suddenly terrified. when it ends, he looks over at sungwoon pointedly-- meaningfully, but eyes completely devoid of life. how do i follow that? still, he finds something comforting in sungwoon's gaze, and when he looks away, he lets out a long exhale and tries to recenter himself, still clutching sungwoon's hand like a lifeline.

he spends the rest of the rappers preceding him doing deep breathing exercises and detaching from this current plane of existence, making the executive decision that scoping out the competition before he performs will only cause his confidence to plummet. he hears their instrumentals start and stop in the background-- becomes distinctly aware of performances passing by --and he knows he should be about in the middle, realistically. he doesn't know the names of all of these rappers, but k is in the middle of the alphabet, and it seems like there are a lot of choi's. he spends much of his time leaning just a little bit forward, head hanging so he can stare at the ground instead of the stage, but he still holds on to sungwoon's hand. his gaze starts to drift toward sungwoon even more, like he's waiting for him to say something. he wants this to feel the way it does before empty enigma shows-- that confidence and adrenaline, that certainty that he was born to do this, that...not being alone. he half wants sungwoon to flirt with him, that trademark of squall and cameo that anchored him to the moment and who he needed to be before stepping on stage more than he realized, like that'll awaken something stronger in him. he looks at him again, like maybe he'll get the hint, slip him something small and unassuming, but his name is up too quickly.

yes, he needs something bigger than himself: an alter ego or divine intervention, so as he walks toward the stage, he prays. please give me confidence. remind me of all my words, help me stay on beat, calm my nerves. help me to do what you want me to do. let's do this.

they hand him the microphone once he steps on stage, and he bows, grin stretching across his face on instinct. he bows first to the crowd, then to the judges. "i'm kang daniel," he introduces himself on this stage for the second time. "and i'll be rapping for you. ah-- you already know that," he realizes, and laughs at himself, which also appears to be a common theme. "this is an original rap, and i...apologize in advance." smile fades to something a little more cheeky. he'll just leave it at that.

he turns around, back to the audience and the cameras, and pulls up his hood. his beat begins, and he has no time to waste.

i’m here with a new skill since the last time

i know i’m not the best; for now i’ve got a few rhymes

i only have two minutes but won’t start out with my best lines

i saved the best for last the way this beat climbs

he didn't actually write this portion of his lyrics first-- he wrote them all out of order, based on whatever popped into his head, then revised and rearranged. this part in particular is meant to be a buildup to the rest, as stated, but also as a build up for his confidence: a sign of things to come and a chance to be underestimated by the audience so his later lyrics pack the punch he wants them to. shades of season four's daniel: timid, unassuming, in over his head. he's not that daniel anymore, and he's about to prove it.

god told me to be strong for he is with me

so with your eyes on me i’ll pretend i don’t feel scrutiny

this battle isn’t mine, he’ll defeat every enemy

and i’ll still love you anyway, proverbs 24:17

if you want to live through this you better be holy

and be prepared to bow down, every knee

so go ahead and tear me up

i’ve already heard enough

every criticism is like my heart’s handcuff

the buildup of the beat kicks in halfway through this part, and the words roll off of his tongue quickly, like he practiced time after time, over and over until his tongue felt strange in his mouth. he makes use of the stage now, gestures along with the rap, nerves ebbing and dissipating entirely. he means all of this more than any rap he could've covered. this: a reference to his faith, still intrinsic to his nature, but more obvious last season given the song he performed for his first audition in a panic. maybe he added this because of what his dad said: make sure to glorify god. he knows he can't step on this stage within his own power, so this is a shout out to the one that really makes it all possible-- plus a little self-righteousness, of course, because who wants to hear a rap without confidence? when he says bow down he makes the gesture with his free hand: vertical to horizontal, but this is still the build up of his confidence. in this is still the admission that the criticism-- not just from the mgas, but from his entire life --still gets to him. it's a part of him now.

the drum kicks in, the beat builds up and up, and leads him into what may be his favorite set of lines:

i can be your idol rapper

i can be your firecracker

i can just stay quiet because my opinion never matters

i can work myself to death

i can give up my success

but i can never be enough

an ode to his willingness to be whatever anyone else wants him to be-- to the fire in him, from cameo or otherwise, to his mother's if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all, to sacrifice upon sacrifice upon sacrifice, and the end result: that unshakable feeling of unworthiness.

then the beat drops.

i have less experience

but i can already spit

heat, heat

competition has departed

i’m only just getting started

heat, heat

is my talent now surprising?

temperature is always rising

heat, heat

this year i have passion

i’m ready to cash in

heat, heat

heat, said in english. in the end, it's all about that fire. he said it in his thanks to for between fear and faith: thank you to my parents for raising me well and not supporting me doing music so i would know how much this really meant to me, and so i could take the fire that lit in me and put it into this album. there's so much that lit a fire in him that he couldn't put into this rap, but it fuels him. as much as he brags, however, there's something a little subdued about heat, like it's not quite a fire yet-- the feeling it gives off, but not the flame-- something with room to grow into something greater, just like him. he makes use of the stage, refusing to just stand in the middle, but playing to the crowd, and now that he begun, it feels natural, and it feels the same: that exchange of energy, between cameo and fans in an underground club, between daniel and his fellow contestants in the mga venue. he waves his free hand up and down, encouraging the audience to do the same like any decent performer at a concert-- reaches out  like he's about to touch one of the contestant's hands, but they're too far out of reach, so he turns and half-skips across the stage.

the beat stays strong and ushers in the second verse, and when his bragging truly begins, and by this point in the song, he's sufficiently grown into it.

i’m not supposed to do this so my mom won’t even watch me

music isn’t good enough, disappointment to the family

but you’ll still catch me on the stage, bass riffs every weekend

i deserve a world tour, self-made songs, best friends

it's all true, all self explanatory, and when he gets to the best friends part, he intentionally points to empty enigma on their side of the stage and smiles, though there's a bite to it. he embraces it-- lets cameo leak into this performance, because with all secrets exposed, there's no need to keep anything separate anymore. despite their differences, they're the same, and this performance requires more attitude than daniel was ever capable of on his own.

our god is greater, shaky voice, season four

now i’m back on every site, certified uproar

you’re tired of my face, right?

i’m too weak, i’m too bad, won’t put up a fight, right?

four fingers held up four season four, and a reference to his first abysmal, pathetic audition that still got him into the competition somehow, and he bounces across the stage, not unlike the way he does at empty enigma's shows. when he asks his questions, he smirks-- pauses in his movements briefly to put a hand on his hips, then nods toward tiger jk at the end before he picks up where he left off, still animated. (maybe he's out of breath-- maybe just a little. he didn't account for how active he'd be on stage during his practice, but he hopes his energy and commitment to the performance makes up for anywhere he lacks.)

he circles around the stage, searching for somewhere to land-- ends up right back in front of empty enigma, so he crouches down and raps to the row in front of them. who's loud now? you better cheer for me too.

you don’t even know that cameo is in my back pocket

bring the best of both and watch my album sales skyrocket

you wish fans would scream your name and buy your merch like mine do

if jealousy is just your fate, i guess that might be fine too

this goes out to cameo; he deserves his own lines. without him-- the lie he was crafted out of, the character and beast of his own he grew into, the spirit he carries with him on stage --none of this would've been possible. without cameo, there would be no daniel in empty enigma, none of his best friends, none of this newfound passion, none of this joy, and even if his identity is revealed now, and he puts cameo to a certain kind of death, he'll always be thankful for him and what he represented. (not yet, he thinks. he'll keep him around for a little bit longer.)

he points to empty enigma again, then stands up and works his way toward the other side of the stage. oh yeah, those increased album sales would be nice too. stream between fear and faith on melon.

i wrote 40 songs this year; it’s fine if you can’t beat me

write bad comments, feel like how i’ll win this-- free

you can hate me but i’m still right here on your tv

and i’ll still get more screentime than your faves, so watch me

they're the final lines, and the ones meant to pack the biggest punch, hence their position at the end: perpetual build up in his confidence so he can finally say through rap what he'd never be bold enough to in person. he doesn't really mean it, but what's a rap if not delivered with confidence, even when you don't mean it, or it's unwarranted? he hopes now, his audience is at least a little impressed with his lyrics, even if they aren't with his rap itself: tone nothing special, only good for rapping fast and little else. he doesn't think about it now. instead, he uses the signature crazy hand gesture near his head and turns in a circle to face away from the audience again, only to spin out for the return of the final chorus.

i have less experience

but i can already spit

heat, heat

competition has departed

i’m only just getting started

heat, heat

is my talent now surprising?

temperature is always rising

 heat, heat

this year i have passion

i’m ready to cash in

heat, heat

he soaks in the final moments: this energy, this electricity, and doesn't let himself think about how this hit, or what people think. the daniel in this moment doesn't care about that. all he focuses on is ending strong, and making sure he puts on a good show until the very end, because now, that's more important to him than showing off his skills-- more important than anything. heat, heat, and then it's over.

he bursts into a smile as soon as it is, and bows, twice once more, before handing his mic off. he practically bounds off stage, back to his seat, giving high fives to anyone that will accept one on his way back, and maybe, just maybe, it's fire after all.

[chaoticneutralwriter]

14; Rising Tension

In which Jungkook doesn’t have experience with thin walls and you’re experiencing too much.

idol!Jimin x staff!reader ft. poor bun Jungkook

genre: slow-burn, fluff, pining, a little crack, comedy, unnecessary mature-ish themes

word count: 2.9k

follow up of Ramen and Chill?

Jungkook has dealt with a lot of things for someone who’s only twenty-one. Most of those things are something your average twenty-one year old would probably crumble under from immense pressure and stress. It’s not that Jungkook didn’t come close to it himself, but he’s pretty certain that he’s able to handle it a little better than most; that much he can say with confidence. Jeon Jungkook likes to think of himself as someone who would meet challenges head on and give it all he’s got so that he can at least say he didn’t try.

 Every challenge is a welcoming one, no matter how daunting because it’s always a learning experience.

 But now, as he stands frozen in the middle of his hotel suite, he’s not sure how he’ll even begin to approach this one.

 You see, not too long ago, Jungkook had returned to his room after a long, tiring night of smiling and greeting esteemed guests and getting his years worth of socializing. He, very decidedly, wanted to take a refreshing shower, take off his suit that has long turned stuffy, wash away the hair products and make-up and slip into a nice, comfortable pair of sweats and hoodie. That was his plan for the night and he had yet to decide whether he wanted to eat something before sleeping or just go straight to bed, reading webtoons until he fell asleep.

 He only got as far as stepping out of his en suite bathroom, changed and toweling his damp hair furiously when he heard it; a distinct thump coming from one of his adjacent walls. At first, he thought he imagined it, but then something else follows it.

 A moan.

 Distinctly female.

 His mind goes haywire, eyes becoming wider than saucers and alarmed, and he starts to freak out, all in the solitude of his own room. A room that Jungkook discovers has very, concerningly thin walls. 

 Even more pressing, his mind comes to realize next, is that the wall in question where the sounds are coming from is in connection with none other than Park Jimin.

 But then if Jimin’s room is beside his….

 Why did he hear a female voice coming from it?

 It’s like everything comes to a screeching halt for Jungkook, time is at a standstill as it slowly dawns on him, in quiet horror, that he's being dragged into something he’s never imagined himself being in.

 He’s eavesdropping on one his hyungs getting it on.

 Jungkook feels his face immediately heat up to the point that he swears he’ll be able to cook eggs on it and his ears feel like they’re about to be burnt off.

 Headphones! Gotta find headphones!

 “I’m so sorry! Where does it hurt noona?” Jungkook hears Jimin’s muffled voice ask, concern obvious in his tone.

 Noona?

 From Jungkook’s memory, he’s most certain there’s only one noona that Jimin would invite to his room this late and, on further thought, only one noona who is up anyways. It had to be Y/N noona.

 Now he doesn’t know whether to be happy for his hyung for finally getting the girl he’s been pining after or still be completely disgusted because he just HAD to pick the room beside his own!

 “A little lower—“ Her strained voice cuts off midway with a slightly more pained whine before adding, “I-I don’t think this is a good idea Jimin.”

 “No, it’ll feel better trust me. I just need to get us off the ground.”

 THE GROUND?

 Jungkook blanches. He didn’t mean to even continue listening for so long at this point, honestly! But seriously hyung?! The ground?! Even if Jungkook wanted to stuff his ears with the most effective sound cancelling headphones right now, he still can’t help but want to face palm for Jimin’s poor choice in initiating his first move to becoming a man.

 Right, the headphones!

 Jungkook springs into action, jerking between going left or right because his mind has yet to remember where exactly he put his headphones. He frantically starts tearing up his room, blindly looking for them, and all the while still catching snippets of the conversation from beyond the wall.

 “Is this better?” comes Jimin’s voice. He hears a responding grunt from Y/N noona.

 “Just… go slowly.”

 WHERE ARE THOSE HEADPHONES?!

 Housekeeping will absolutely murder him by the way he’s tossing the blanket and pillows, clothes strewn all over the place but he doesn’t care at this point. Jungkook needs his headphones and he needs them now.

 “Does that feel good?”

 A hum of contentment resounds through, followed by an airy, “Yes.”

 He hears Jimin chuckle. “Should I go harder then?”

 Jungkook becomes a little desperate, his brain coming up with elaborate plans of using one of his belts to possibly secure a pillow around his head to cover his ears as he’s continues looking for his one saving grace. Okay, okay calm down just think about other things! Like ramen, steak, being kinda hungry, maybe he really should order room service after all…. No! That would blow Jimin’s cover as much as Jungkook wants no part of the steamier aspects of his love life! Focus Jungkook! Overwatch has a new map; he should really try it with hyung sometimes—!

 A loud gasp erupts from Y/N noona that sounds like Jimin’s name, effectively cutting Jungkook’s mid mental tirade and halfway dumping the entire contents of his bag out.

 “Sorry, too hard?” There’s a teasing lilt in Jimin’s voice before he grunts.

 “I’m not gonna be able to walk tomorrow if you keep doing that.” came Y/N hiss before it morphs into a groan.

 “But this is the only way it’ll feel better. So relax noona, I’ll take care of you.” 

 Jungkook is ready to pull his hair out of his scalp. He’s about searched every pocket in his bag, luggage and carrier and still no signs of the Airpods he’s looking for. With a hand through his hair, he eyes look wildly at the mess he’s created, room looking very much like a tornado had just passed through. The hoodie he’s wearing now is starting to make him sweat. And then a light bulb went off in his head.

 …. Hoodie! What was he wearing earlier today?!

 “…. Stop staring at me like that.” Y/N noona’s voice comes out shyly; so quiet that Jungkook almost didn’t catch it.

 He hears Jimin’s unmistakable giggle in response, “Why?”

 “It’s embarrassing….”

 “...I think you look cute.”

 “No I—Oh….” Her tone cuts into a low moan. 

 “Right here?”

 Whatever sweet spot Jimin hit, he does it again to elicit another satisfied sound and Jungkook slaps his cheeks to get himself together, practically diving to rummage through his worn pile of clothing to search for the outfit he wore that might possibly hold the one thing he needs the most right now.

 “How are you so good at this?” He hears Y/N noona ask almost reverently. 

 Jungkook is close to screaming out in frustration, for once cursing himself for packing seven different hoodies that all pretty much look the same anyways (black). It leaves him no choice but to sift through each of them, patting them down in hopes of feeling a familiar lump in one of the pockets.

 “So that means I’m doing well right?” Jungkook can clearly hear the gloating in Jimin’s voice and it makes him want to gag a little. He does not need to hear any of this.

 A slight hum of affirmation lets Jungkook know that Y/N noona is pleased. Jungkook grabs probably the fourth hoodie and gives it a violent shake but nothing comes flying out like he expects it to and the first sounds of exasperation escapes the young man.

 “Agh! Don’t—!” Suddenly her voice rings out in a protesting whine just as Jungkook’s fingers brush against a square shaped container, buried in the fabrics of the cotton hoodie. Jungkook lets out a small scream of joy, grabbing at it like a madman that he thought he might’ve torn something in the process.

 “Oh sorry noona. Lifting your leg a little was supposed to make you feel even better. I guess it was too soon.” 

 “You should’ve warned me first.” 

 Jungkook fumbles, grasping the smooth case of his Airpods, flipping open the lid and unceremoniously shucks the wireless buds out before whipping out his phone and hooking it up to the Bluetooth in record timing that even Guinness would be impressed. He shoves the ear buds into his ears and plays the first song on his playlist, turning up the volume to near max. The youngest, with the feeling of winning the lottery, celebrates his victory by throwing his hands skyward in a double fist pump, laughing almost manically to himself as he’s finally free from hearing the conversations next door.

 ———

 You’re trying to steady your breathing, keep yourself from making any more embarrassing noises as well as conspicuously trying to hide the blush setting fire on your cheeks right now... but the way his fingers work.

 “Can I try lifting your leg a little more?” 

 You think about it, trying not to get lost in the way his fingers knead into you, working at the knot that has built there.

 “I guess? Just go slowly.” You say with eyebrows furrowed in trying to figure out whether or not the pain has died down enough for it. Jimin carefully grasp your ankle and slowly brings your knee up. He gets it to bend just slightly before you give a hiss of discomfort.

 Jimin sighs, “Noona why are you so stiff for?”

 You shoot a half-hearted glare as his fingers work to loosen your stiffened muscle again.

 “I don’t know….” You reply in a grumble, playing with the buttons of his suit jacket currently thrown over your lap. It wasn’t your fault that in the moment of being completely caught unaware via having a stupidly attractive male come half an inch close to kissing you, your leg decides to cramp and give you the worst Charlie horse of your life (talk about a moment ruined…. not like there was one to begin with anyways). And as if to add insult to injury, Jimin was adamant about massaging the muscle cramp out of your leg to make up for it. You’re not blaming him though; he was just being his regular sweet self, but you’d rather curl into a ball of suffering and not have someone like Jimin witness it at all.

 But there’s no escaping Jimin. He already felt bad enough for not breaking your fall in time from tripping over his bag strap, sticking haphazardly out from under the bed, which he shoved in his haste earlier in attempt to clean his room. 

 So much to your chagrin and immense embarrassment, he hauls you up with ease and places you on his bed, setting up the pillows so that you were comfortably leaned back and courteously gave you his discarded jacket to place on your lap to prevent any accidental flashing. Your last attempts at protest die the moment he presses his fingers into your calf.

 It’s been a good twenty minutes of Jimin diligently working on your stubborn muscles. He checks up on you every once in a while, making sure he’s not adding too much pressure that it hurts you while you on the other hand, struggle to even maintain eye contact with him. You wish you could say this was a comfortable silence, but you feel too on edge for it. 

 In the lull, you get lost in the bizarre events that lead up to this point and you don’t even know which one you should have a mental meltdown over first; the fact that you have a world class idol who-happens-to-be-your-low-key-crush massaging your leg or the fact that he possibly implied not minding ramen and chilling with you in-the-you-know-what-I-mean sorta way earlier. You feel your head grow dizzy with an oncoming headache. 

 Hohh my God…. You need to lie down…Wait you already are—!

 “Don’t tell me you’re falling asleep on me noona.” Jimin’s voice pulls you back from the recesses of your mind. When you’re back in the present, eyes focused on him, you realize he’s stopped massaging your leg and opted to just have his hands resting against your shin. He’s smiling at you in a way that reminds you of a Cheshire cat. You feel your cheeks flare again, a pout working onto your lips as you stubbornly look down to pick off imaginary lint from his (costs more than your student loans) jacket.

 “No I’m not…” You mumble. You hear a melodic giggle come from him before he lets out a long breath.

 “I’m really sorry that happened noona. It was my fault the bag was there, I was careless.” Jimin apologizes for the nth time. Your head shoots up, mouth open with a rebuttal at the ready.

 “No Jimin, it’s not your fault…. I’m just clumsy.” 

 He puffs out air and whines, “Why won’t you let me apologize noona?” 

 “Well…you’ve already done that by giving me a massage….” You reply and he laughs airily in response, a heart-stopping smile plastered on his face as he absent-mindedly starts to rub circles into your flesh again. The feeling nearly makes your knee jerk because his touch this time is gentle, not enough pressure to consider it a massage but by now your cramping leg has subsided to nothing more than a dull ache. 

 His thumb is tracing invisible patterns across your skin, almost in a way where he just likes being able to feel you and it sends you into a confusing place; one where your body is melting against his touch, craving for more and the other wanting to pull away out of shyness from how intimate this suddenly got.

 Your heart begins to race at the foreign feeling, like it’s triggered into a flight or fight mode and you think that maybe it’s about high time you leave. As much as half of you did want to stay, enjoy the calming presence of Jimin, you feel as if your heart has not yet reached that level of readiness. And besides, you really shouldn’t be here any longer than you need to lest you really do want to get in trouble.

 So with a shred of reluctance, you begin to pull away from him. Jimin notices of course, stopping all movements of his hands but making no move to prevent you from eventually slipping away from his grasp. He opens his mouth to speak, no doubt ready to apologize but you cut in.

 “I should go Jimin. It’s really late and you should rest.” You say gently, a small smile on your face.

 “Ah…Um, yeah.” Jimin stammers, getting up from his seat at the foot of the bed while running a hand through his hair. You make to gather yourself as well, swinging your legs to the side of the bed and begin to take your first tentative steps after cramping the crap out of one leg.

 In a flash, Jimin is next to you, arms hovering by you in case you decide to re-enact the entire thing again. You shoot him a thankful smile and he nods in reassurance. With a sigh of relief, you manage to stand and feel comfortable enough that the weight didn’t feel straining. Still, you take your steps carefully to the door and once you reach the threshold, the reluctance spikes.

 “Thank you— for the ramen and…. the massage.” You cough and fiddle with a strand of curled hair.

 “I— it’s no problem noona. I’m sorry that—“

 “No! No, honestly Jimin.” You force yourself to look him in the eye because even if you’re the one leaving feeling like you could just bury yourself in a hole, you won’t leave having someone like Jimin feel sorry for something that’s not a big deal anyways. “I’m not even upset about it if that’s what you think. In fact I think it was nice— that you even offered to massage me. I mean the massage itself was nice too but— you know.”

 He blinks, surprised by how adamant you sound before a smile blooms on his face, eyes disappearing into crescents and he lets out a giggle, hand coming up to cover his mouth.

 “I understand.” Jimin says. The grey of his contacts sparkle in a way you think felt too much like adoration that it makes your cheeks flush. You swear you must look like you’ve drank a whole bottle of champagne by yourself (an idea that sounds rather appealing at the moment) and yet he still continues to look at you like you’re the apple in his eyes.

 “Goodnight noona.” The warmth in his voice sends involuntary shivers down your spine, made your breath hitch and pulse rise all at once. You nod in a slight daze, taking a few seconds too long to form a reply.

 “Y-yeah. Goodnight Jimin. I’ll— I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

 He sends you off with another smile, one that you shyly return before you scurry out of his room and practically fly down to yours. Your shaky hands fumble with the keycard for a bit before you fling yourself into your room, doors shutting with a click and your legs give out from under you.

 You breathe out deeply, braced against the door and heart hammering in your chest. 

 This is it…. You think. This is how you die. 

 Because to your elation and horror, you’ve come to accept that you’re in too deep now.

 You’re balls deep in love with Park Jimin.

[maladaptive-ninja-returns]

Blame It On Your Beats (9)

Chapter Content: Sex. Yup. That’s it.

Summary: A brush with the underworld leads you on a run, away from what was supposedly your normal life, with Bucky Barnes. You two do not seem to be in sync as Bucky tries to keep you alive, trying your best not to kill each other. Or that’s what you think you are doing.

Series: contains smut, adult content in there somewhere in the future chapters so please look at the chapter content and warnings before you proceed.

Chapter Warnings: SMUT. NSFW. Do not read this if you are underage or don’t like smut.

A/N: This series is written for @littledarlinhavefaithinme ‘s MK Writing Challenge. Thank you so much for hosting. I am having a lot of fun with the prompts. But I am clearly behind schedule. Eep! Thanks for being so patient!

Tags for future fics are open.

MASTERLIST

When was the last time you had experienced floating over the stars as they tried to come closer to your feet but the force holding you in that surreal space didn't let them touch you?

Today, it was all glittering down inside and around you as your lips tasted Bucky's heated ones, with one elongated collision before you parted, feeling his thick stubble against your skin.

Bucky's dilated eyes were nearly on the roll back when he paused at the lack of your delicious warmth.

And without any delay you both came back again; the beast of need inside both of you already ignited.

You took the liberty to let your tongue linger on his lips, taking in the saltiness of the sea from the oysters he had a while ago. Mm, you thought to yourself, definitely tastes good with him wrapped inside them.

Bucky parted his lips to let his tongue taste yours from the tip to the centre, making you feel crude reverberations down to your centre of gravity, your gasped moan dissolving inside his mouth.

The wind from the ocean grew wild, bringing with it the clouds of the storm, hiding away all the stars.

Your aching bodies wanting to further bury into each other's touch were suddenly soaked with the rain falling over the two of you, not bothering your tongues marking each other as their own, or your hands grasping onto his hair for your dear life or his on your lower back holding you tight, within the confines of his dizzy warmth.

But you both came up from the uncontrollable high once your lungs started giving out, gasping but not letting go of each other.

Bucky finally let your feet touch the wet sand as you took in his blood gushed lips glistening under the raindrops lucky enough to trickle down the entire length of his face before finding their way down his neck and disappearing under the unbuttoned collar, making a path of its own on the body you were really eager to discover right now.

Bucky couldn't believe the amount of effort he was trying to put to breathe in the image of your wet dress clinging on your body, carving all the stimulated curves through and through.

“Room?”

“Room.”

With one worded breathless exchange and hands intertwined, you two walked away from the beach, nearly breaking into a run as you entered the mansion ground.

Bucky readjusted his jacket over you to hide the results of his provocations before pressing the elevator button and dipping his head towards you to kiss you once more, his hot and cold palms around your waist triggering another spark inside your body.

The sound of the elevator doors opening broke the two of you apart but not before Yukio and Sonic had seen the explicit hunger games play in front of their eyes.

With an exchange of a sheepish smile, you entered the square space, Bucky planting himself behind you, running his hands through his dense wet hair, letting the audience see the fire in his cheeks.

You could feel Yukio's knowing gleeful eyes on you reflecting from the mirrored walls, making the embarrassment burn further into you, praying that the floor arrives sooner.

And it did, you and Bucky almost power walking your way as you heard a familiar brunt voice call out, “Remember what I taught you, bro.”

You turned towards Bucky who was already shaking his head at the question building up inside you.

“No. I-she just came to me out of nowhere and-”

“Huh,” you cut your flustered berry short, “so you had to be taught that?”

All the white dither disappeared as Bucky opened the door, stepped in, pushed you inside, closed the door behind you and pushed your back into it before he planted himself his hands on your either side.

Your teasing edge vanished at the sight of that glimmer of voracious beast telling you he didn't need to be taught to know how to make you whimper in pure velvet.

The radio in your room came to life at the surge of the power fluctuating with the storm outside.

Darker than the ocean, deeper than the sea

Bucky's devouring gaze shifted to a softer one before softly pushing his forehead to yours, tilting it to push up your lips, passing your pulsating, swollen pair with his.

You got everything, you got what I need

He looked down, drinking your soft stare with a gulp look at his hands dropping away his jacket followed by running his fingers on the satin ribbon he had so artistically placed around you, undoing the soft fabric with one simple tug, letting the rest of the web  undo itself with a scary grace, making way for your skin to let her lull him closer to give her the touch she had been looking forward to, the tiny hairs already standing in anticipation.

Touch me, you're electric, babe

The first contact his lips made with the nape of your neck let all the neurons inside you fire up like the brilliant glittering crackers from last night, their after-effects already oozing in between your legs.

The kiss came with a swirl of a tongue followed by his teeth gently nibbing at your pulsating layer as you pressed yourself against him to feel some friction in between your legs, making him- and his already hard self- grind into you at your greedy movements.

Move me, take me from this place

Bucky's stubble tickled your layers, increasing the hunger filled ache inside you further as it first travelled up your neck till behind your ears, your shivering body reacting by lifting leg and wrapping it around his thigh- his body eagerly complementing the change- before his tongue marked you as it came down for your valleys.

Movin' to the tempo, show me what it takes

Speedin' up my heartbeat, playin' in the face

“Bucky,” a tremble left you as you anchored your hands in his hair to stop yourself from crumbling as his metal pulled on your dress from behind, allowing him access to your breasts, letting them wake up to the warm wetness spiralling through his tongue; your fingers reflexively pulling his hair as his teeth played with your attentive nipples.

Kiss me, we're on fire, babe

Love me, take me to outer space

His metal gazed your back, inching you closer to him now and then before it found the slit through your dress to access your quivering thighs, travelling up a little before pausing. He parted from your breasts, leaving cold sensations at the dearth of his touch.

Kiss me, we're on fire, babe

Love me, take me to outer space

You looked him right into his overcast eyes as your hands reached down to guide his to where they were always headed, earning a parting of your lips, a silent pant leaving you with the new touch easing around your folds.

Bucky's own breath found itself fluttering at the pool of wetness waiting for him, his erratic breaths audible to your sensitive ears.

Covered in your water and I'm feelin' like a summer breeze

Without a warning he backed his metal away to pick you up, turn, take two long strides towards the bed and drop you down on your back.

You could feel his knees dip the bed as he parted your legs to plant himself in between them. You sat up and undid his shirt halfway before he pulled it over his head in one graceful move, planting kisses up your exposed thigh, nibbing and pecking his way to the waterfall, already feeling your breath caught up somewhere inside you as you twitched under his increasing sensitive touch.

Submitted under power and you brought me to my knees

Bucky moved away the slit of your dress to carefully pull off your soaked panties.

“I know we’re supposed to be on a honeymoon,” your broken voice found some strength inside her to whisper in the air, “but I really didn’t prepare myself for this down there so-hooo!”

Use me, you're electric, babe

Move me, take me all the way

You felt your soul leave your body on his tongue swirling right between your trembling limbs bringing down a rain of fire through your entire body, doing and undoing you, taking you to your high before coming back up to face you in the only light of the striking lightning outside illuminating your features for him.

Whisper in my ear, I'm the only one you're lovin' on

Take advantage of the moment, you're the only one that I want

You felt his eyes dilate into the similar darkness as the sky outside, bursting with flames of godly fire as you arched your back that came down from a surreal high, his gaze not allowing you to break away from this luscious reality too good to be true.

Your hands felt the life of their own as one grabbed his flesh arm to ground yourself, while your mouth latched onto his to let him savour the aching moans you were not able to keep inside you anymore. The other hands went down to undo his trousers, the years of skilful multitasking of unbuttoning your own stuff while you were busy shuffling through your playlists paying off at the moment, freeing his length and releasing a moan out of him as well.

Kiss me, we're on fire, babe

Love me, take me to outer space

Lining himself up at your entrance, he worked his way into you, grunts and heavy gasps filling the hot air around your features- the crystal waters that they were, reflecting the pleasure.

Kiss me, we're on fire, babe

Love me, take me to outer space

With the first thrust, the stars came back behind your eyes, your nails grazing Bucky’s bare back, making him twitch inside you, his heated length already pulsating inside your throbbing walls.

The second thrust came in harder, with a feral purpose, never taking his blue away from your face as you put no effort in hiding how he was making your face crinkle in the best ways you could have only imagined.

Melting like ice on a summer day

Hold me like you mean it, take me far away

The pace increased, coming back for more with a new rhythm, your hips moving up to let him drive himself deeper inside you with every passing stroke, the friction in between the slick walls driving you up to the floodgates faster than before.

And with every rhythm, your fingers clawed deeper into his sculpted back while your teeth docked themselves on his shoulders as the flood waters started rising up to the floodgates, your eyes tearing up at the sensitivity that you’d never felt before.

Bucky felt your nails driving down into him while your legs wrapped themselves around his hips as you got closer to the brim. Bucky’s metal hand went down between the two of you to find your swollen bundle of nerves, the cool digits rubbing the cold hardness into the heated bunch, spiking the rush running down your clenching walls and letting the torrential waters break right through the floodgates.

Bodies movin' and temperature rising

Take me to the top then watch me fall in

Your shattering limbs felt length in between them swell as the pace got sloppier and the grunts got heavier, right into your shoulder before he too anchored himself- and marked your shoulder and neck- with his outburst breaking his rocky shores inside you.

Kiss me, we're on fire, babe

The post-bliss high left both of you breathless in each other’s arms. Bucky rested his weight over his metal as he took your face in his hot palm to plant a gulping kiss and take the time in each other’s animalistic scent to normalise the breaths.

Gently parting away from you, Bucky cleaned you up, helping himself and you get out of the mess of your clothes over your bodies showing all the visible signs of lovemaking- already turning into bruises.

Love me, take me to outer space

The sound of rain outside your window along with the soothing outro over the radio was working as a perfect balm for your aching limbs and tired eyes filled with a new glow inside them. Your shivering naked form was carefully tucked inside the fluffy blanket, but that was not what your mind was searching for on the bed.

And just then, the familiar warmth wrapped its sublime shape around you; Bucky’s metal pulling you closer towards him under the sheets, allowing you to complement his embrace with your own.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go on the couch tonight as well?” you whispered as you planted your head on his shoulder, eyes already shut close.

“Nah,” Bucky whispered back but not before planting a soft lingering kiss on your forehead, “I’m in the mood of hearing you snore right here,” earning a smile from you as you buried yourself in his chest, hearing his heart breathe you in while your own opened itself in his solid grasp.

Kiss me, we're on fire

Concluded here

TAGLIST

Permanent

@magiclolipopqueen  @choke-me-sweet-pea  @smexylemony  @hazzastyles2471 @lokis-lady-death  @lokixme  @l0kisbitch  @tarithenurse  @hiddlestonstansworld @itheoneofmanyfandomsi @nalokoniloki @fuckidontknow @qualitynerdwasteland @cryinglots @unipanda1006 @literalangels @meganlikesfandoms  @kcd15

BIOYB

@klmpun

[seoulscenarios]

Go on your own path, this is my lane

member: Lee Felix

word count: 3185

genre/warnings: action, fluff, a lil bit of angst

request: YES

summary: you and felix had never been the best of friends, in fact you were actually rivals in the local street racing business created by your father. but when an old threat comes back to haunt, how will the two of you react?

a/n: this is a PSA... i know literally nothing about street racing so any terms that are wrong or any inaccuracies are entirely my own!! nonetheless i hope you enjoy it :)

- “Y/N CROSSES THE LINE IN FIRST POSITION, THEIR 9TH CONSECUTIVE WIN IN THIS SEASON PLEASE JOIN US AGAIN NEXT WEEK FOR THE FINAL RACE, IT WILL BE A GOOD ONE”

- You hear the roar of the announcer on the megaphone as your tires screech up to the holding area

- You see the thing is, whilst most kids you went to kindergarten with are now in decent education, you were sucked into an almost fantastical, glamorous and oft times dangerous new life

- Your father built up a street racing empire in your district, building it from the bottom up to the sleazy, shady but big business it was today

- At first, you were reluctant to get involved but every day you spent in the garage, was a day you learnt new things and quite honestly, it was exhilarating being thrown around a modified car around a dusty abandoned race track

- Ever since your first ride with your father, you knew street racing was for you

- And since then, you began to start hanging round in the garages learning how to fix and modify cars and your older brother began to learn the business aspect of it all

- The day you won your first race when you were 15 was a day you would never forget, running into your fathers arms and feeling the bubble of pride he had for you

- It didn’t last long

- Not even a year after you began racing, your father passed away in an infamous car accident which still shook the community to this day

- It took you over a year to get behind the wheel again, and when you finally did, you were filled with a newfound fire that intimidated all your competitors

- You got better and better after each race, winning the majority of them and losing when you knew you had to (some betting or business related crap that your brother tried to explain to you but you never really got, business had never been your strong point)

- Whilst still a relatively secret thing, the racing community expanded into other districts and before long there were new faces cropping up at racing events

- Which to your surprise, a few kids your age popped up and began to challenge you

- One of which, is Felix

- The first time you met Felix was after a race in which he nearly beat you and he got really cocky that he nearly beat the famed Y/N

- You were very quick to knock him down and told him to beat you next time then he can get cocky

- After that, the two of you began this weird friendly rivalry that most outsiders (and your brother) think is flirting, even after you both vehemently deny it 

- You weren’t about to admit that you were flirting with the boy,,, heck you weren’t even friends

- You were eNeMiEs

- Not that you don’t find each other attractive,, the underlying rivalry is still more important and will always come first

- Felix is your number one fan when the two of you aren’t racing

- Sometimes he’s there with his crew who all look a bit put out that their star racer is only there to cheer on the “enemy”

- You find it endearing, and the rare time you weren’t racing but he was you always made sure to give him a secret smile before the race or wish him good luck

- Felix, though, has the most hideous racing car you’ve ever seen

- It was painted an awful shade of bright orange, with green and orange stripes on the doors and you were pretty sure there were pokemon stickers on (courtesy of his crew)

- What made it worse was the fact Felix had called the car “”Baby”

- Like, if someone bumped into it

- He would get very defensive and ask them to apologise to Baby

- You rolled your eyes every time you heard him talking to his car and most of the time Felix just shot you a massive grin

- ANYWAY

- The current “season” is about to peak in its most dangerous race yet

- Which you happen to be the forerunner to win

- It’s been designed by your brothers’ girlfriend who is notorious for keeping the track as difficult and kinda secretive during the actual design process

- Which meant only the most experienced drivers could go on to race as the details were kept so secretive that they were only going to be shown to the drivers on the day

- As this race is the most important race for prestige, many racers from different districts are coming to show off their prowess

- And one of them,,,, just happens to be your biggest competitor and one of the most notorious drivers out there

- No one knows him, only the fact he goes by XDJ and is rumoured to be part of a secret underground mafia group

- Which makes them DEADLY as you can’t trace them, you only know just how brutal he can be whilst racing

- Whilst no one can confirm, there have been numerous rumours that his group have cause a number of fatalities

- Nasty car crashes, tampering of vehicles, sometimes even drugs were involved

- No one could point it at them,,, but the rumours still stand

- This guy, he was dangerous and you could be in serious trouble

- Especially with how infamous you are as a driver and how interlinked your brother is with underground business deals

- Felix,,, is worried for you

- He wasn’t going to be racing, you had point blank refused to let him race after he asked

- Felix wasn’t happy about it and what’s even worse, he knew that you wouldn’t back out of the challenge especially after XDJ was announced to take part

- Rumour has it that it was his connections with the mafia that caused the car crash resulting in your fathers’ death

- So to say there was some tension in the air was an understatement

- However, you knew you were ready to take them on and if needs be,, take them out if the opportunity arises

- Sure you were hot headed and impatient sometimes but you knew how to keep cool and calm under pressure, even if you were about to go up against the guy who might’ve killed your father

- Despite you and Felix not being the best of friends, the week leading up to the final race Felix turned up to your garage and started to hang around with you

- Which confused you as well, this garage was a private garage and you’d never revealed the location to anyone outside of your immediate business (consisting of your brother, his girlfriend and his PA

- Felix just shrugged his shoulders when you asked him how he knew where it was and just handed you a coffee, which happened to be your favourite order

- You pieced it together, knowing your brother must’ve told him about it

- For what reason, you had yet to figure out but still it was nice to have company in your otherwise lonely garage

- As the week passes by, you and Felix fall into a routine and it’s kind of weird

- You’ve never really gelled with people due to your line of work and the fact you fell so easily into Felix’s companionship was a bit odd

- Not that you were complaining as Felix was so much fun to be around and pulled you out of your bad moods and never failed to brighten your day whenever he smiled or laughed

- Over the course of the week you began to notice how much he integrated himself into your life and just how much he did for you

- There was no more scrambling around to find tools or struggle to do a two-man job by yourself

- And you began to notice the other things he did, the way his nose scrunched up when he laughed and his eyes turned into crescent moons, or the way he couldn’t help but dance when a particularly good song came on the radio

- A week isn’t long enough to fall in love, but it’s long enough to know that these feelings aren’t entirely just friendship and you want to be the cause of his laughs or see if your hand fits in perfectly with his

- However, you try and shake these thoughts out of your head

- It’s not the right time for you to develop feelings for someone, the race is more important and if you’re not in the right mindset

- Then, you might be toast

- The way he integrated himself so easily into your life never occurred until the day right before the race and Felix was nowhere to be seen

- You’re a bit distracted and it made you realise that maybe you enjoyed his company more than you let yourself believe

- It’s not until evening breaks and you spot an obnoxious orange gleam poke its way into your garage

- You can’t help but roll your eyes because of course he’d bring “Baby” with him

- “So, you wanna drive aimlessly into the night and sing karaoke?”

- You’re not going to say no to that because quite frankly you needed the distraction

- Honestly the drive was just what you needed, Felix drove around the quiet streets and out into the deserted roads that lay just outside the district

- The windows were cranked down and you couldn’t help but laugh as Felix shoved his head out of the window to belt along with the music

- It was pure perfection for a few hours (even if you nearly got into a police chase because of Felix’s race car)

- Felix drops you off back at your apartment and walks you to the front door

- “This was...”

- “Thank you Felix, I didn’t realise how much I needed it”

- Whatever moment that could have happened was promptly ruined when the front door opened to reveal your older brother smirking at the two of you

- Felix promptly scurries off, but not before giving your hand a squeeze and telling you he would see you tomorrow

- You try and get to your room but not without your brother sending you various winks

- You just roll your eyes and slam your door before he can interrogate you further

- You flop into a bed, a small grin gracing your face

- (Definitely not thinking about how cute Felix’s freckles seemed to dance in the moonlight or his voice blending perfectly with the playlist he had made)

- Before you even realised, you were stood next to your car surrounded by swarms of people all wishing you good luck and telling you what bets have been made 

- It’s all white noise to you

- Nothing is going in and you’re trying not to freak out, especially when XDJ and his hoards of people turn up and flash you dirty looks

- You don’t even notice Felix turning up, a few of his friends in tow

- It’s not until you feel the warmth of a hand slipping into yours and squeezing it that you realise Felix even turned up despite his reassurances throughout the entire week

- You’re pretty sure he can hear your heartbeat and you’re not entirely sure whether it’s from nerves or Felix so casually holding your hand like he was always doing it but either way, it’s kind of soothing

- The announcer screams over the megaphone and before you could even say something to your brother or Felix, you’ve slipped behind the wheel and pulled up to the start line, a map provided by your brothers’ girlfriend in plain sight

- Out of the corner of your eye you can see your fiercest opponent pull up next to you and your demeanour changed

- You knew you had to win this race or else it would be the end of you and your brother’s business

- For the majority of the race, you remain calm and following the mysterious car

- You just want to keep an eye on the car, watching for suspicious movements and besides, you practically grew up in this kind of environment

- You knew what to do and for the most part, you’re relaxed and know the best course of action

- However, the trickiest part of the race is yet to come up that even you knew you had to focus on

- What you didn’t account for was the car you had been tailing to slip behind you and before you could even rectify your mistake, there’s a slam on the back of your car and you panic

- Sure, you had been in car crashes before but you knew the aftermath of the crashes that were cause by XDJ and you fly into a panic, trying to rectify the steering so you don’t fall into the side of the road or flip the car

- However, there’s only so much you can do and you feel another nudge on the back end and your car begins to tip and you realise it’s probably the end for you

- You lose complete control and the last thing you remember is the sound of tires squealing past and not one person stopping to help

- ....

- You slowly blink your eyes open, the bright white lights almost blinding you

- You thought that would be more pain, but maybe you’re just dosed up with painkillers you don’t notice the 

- Out of the corner of your eye you can see a glimpse of fabric, so turning your head slightly you try and figure out who it 

- You quickly figure out it’s not your brother and the only person you know with obnoxious orange hair is that it’s the owner of a certain obnoxious orange race car

- Felix

- Curled up on an uncomfortable hospital chair

- You giggle quietly to yourself because he looks quite cute, hair all fluffy

- But apparently not quietly enough and he’s suddenly leapt up onto the bed, holding your hand (which you realise your other hand is wrapped up in a cast?!)

- With his spare hand, he cups your face and looks deep into your eyes

- You can see a wave of emotions cross his face but the overbearing one seems to be relief

- A sudden feeling of apology washes over you and you try to get the words out but before you could Felix interrupts you

- “Don’t ever do that to me again, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you”

- You’re not quite sure how to respond so naturally you just apologise

- “I’m sorry”

- “No, it’s my fault, I should’ve tried to persuaded you to be safe and maybe ever-“

- You’re the one interrupting now, knowing it’s not his fault that you’re currently in a hospital ward

- “it’s not your fault Felix, I wanted to race and I knew the consequences. Even if I didn’t want to end the night in hospital”

- “I couldn’t lose you, and im not sure your brother would want to lose you like how you lost.... your father”

- The mention of your father brings a painful lump to your throat and tears threaten to spill, but you quickly shake it off and squeeze Felix’s hand tighter

- “Well... i’m still alive and I don’t plan on leaving either of you yet”

- The two of you sit in silence for a few moments before your doctor makes herself know

- She rattle off a list of injuries, none of which you take in but you gathered the main points and the fact that actually, you were in a lot of pain

- You don’t remember the exact details but you end up being discharged and bundled up into a sleek black car that suspiciously looked like your brothers but you don’t say anything as Felix drives the familiar route back to your home

- The whole trip is a bit hazy, probably due to the amount of painkillers in your system but you’re suddenly enveloped by the warm and familiar arms of your brother and you can’t help but let the tears fall

- He pulls back, wiping your tears gently and directing you to the sofa in your lounge

- Felix is already there and his hand slips back into yours as your brother details the exact aftermath of your crash

- Bits of it goes in but most of it passes over your head and your brother realises, and he drops a kiss to the top of you head and tells you he’s got business to attend but Felix is more than welcome to stay

- You don’t see it but your brother sends a wink to Felix who blushes up from his neck to the roots of his hair

- The two of you sit in comfortable silence, hands still interlinked

- You don’t know whether to bring up what he said at the hospital or just leave it when his voice cuts across the silence

- “So, the this is- you know how we weren’t even friends? But then, you know, we were? Are? So... what if I don’t want to be friends anymore? Not that I want to go back to hating you, more like... I want to start... dating you?”

- Of all the things for Felix to say to you, you sure as hell weren’t expecting a full on confession after such a traumatic event

- Quite frankly, you’re sat there looking like a guppy fish all wide eyes and slack jawed and you can’t even formulate a response before Felix cuts in again

- “if I kissed you right now, would you punch me. Because I really want to kiss you, just not if you’re gonna punch me”

- “Felix, I have a broken wrist, I physically cant” you respond snarky, waving your casted fist at him but squeezing your hand that’s interlocked with his

- “But, you’re other wrist is free I don’t see why you can’t punch me with tha-“

- You just roll your eyes, something that seems to be a constant mood with this boy, and plant a kiss square on his lips

- He takes a moment to respond, but when he does you know that this is what you wanted

- His lips are soft and fit perfectly against yours and you can feel the overwhelming smile he has dancing about his lips and you have to break apart because his smile is just so beautiful and distracting you just want to look at him

- Felix pulls you closer to him and your head rests on his shoulder, giggling

- “So, are we officially dating?”

- “yeah”

- “cool”

- “cool”

sorry for such a lame ending but like i said i know NOTHING about street racing lmao aksjdf

as always i hope you are happy, healthy and hydrated and another friendly reminder: REQUESTS ARE OPEN so feel free to send in whatever requests you have !!! 

love, admin Leigh <3

(p.s. gold stars for anyone who can figure out who XDJ is!!)

[wherekatewritesthings]

So I'm not quite slacking yet which honestly is a surprise to me? I hope it stays that way.

Also fun fact some of these things that have inspired my new writing/those blurbs and imagines come from my own life. This one, too, even though it's not as happy but I hope I gave it a good cozy ending.

Hope you enjoy x

***

You called them bad brain days, joking that sometimes the neutrons in your brain seemed to spark the wrong way or that your chemical balance was way out of order. They weren't exactly happy and they usually came at you out of nowhere, turning you into a gloomy, inexplicably sad ball of a human, often sprinkled with a little bitterness and/ or irritability. It wasn't fun and you tried not to see people/ interact with other human beings when one of those days happened, but sometimes it was inevitable.

Your relationship with Luke was quite new, not even three months old yet and so far he hadn't experienced you in such a state. Thankfully.

But today was just an off day it seemed. He needed some new clothes and other things and had asked you to tag along for "general life and fashion advice and to weight out my bad choices" and of course you were up for it. You were always up for spending time with him, what you were actually doing was secondary to you. So you had showed up at his door at 10 in the morning, being fully prepared for a trip into the center of LA, only to be met by a severe case of bedhead and gravelly voice, your boyfriend having rolled out of bed only minutes ago when you rang the bell. But you laughed it off and went inside after him, gladly accepting the coffee he offered and plopping down on the couch while he sorted himself out. About fifteen minutes later you were able to leave the appartement and drive away in Luke's car. It was packed in the city, as usual and especially on a Saturday like today. There were people everywhere, which usually wasn't that much of a problem for you, but today it struck a cord within you. Probably the wrong one. You decided to concentrate on Luke and his warm hand in yours and his presence next to you, and it was calming you down quite a bit. That plus his bad jokes and his generally just very calming voice, making remarks about people or window decorations or dogs. You talked along, making jokes with him, trying to stay present. It helped for now. 

Your boyfriend guided you into one of his favourite shops a few minutes later and soon you were discussing colors and fit of various clothing items, picking up stuff and offering it to him. He quickly had his arms full and so was making his way to the changing rooms with you in tow. Next came a little fashion show and Luke ended up buying a few things, so e of which you had picked out. After he was done the two of you were discussing where to go next and Luke commented on two pairs of boots from your favourite store you had been pondering over, unsure if you should get one of them or not and suggested you show him so he could give his opinion and maybe help you decide since you had never been good with making decisions. So off you went. The problem was that he ended up liking both pairs on you for different reasons, which unsurprisingly didn't make it any easier for you to pick one. So you ended up not buying any shoes at all. Instead, you offered to Luke to go for food before heading back to his place, suddenly feeling a bit sullen - and then you just knew it was one of those days, immediately deciding not to let him catch onto your change of moods (which would be hard since you were literally an open book to him) (but you were determined to make it work, he really shouldn't see you be like this, at least in your opinion). It irked you that it were always the little things that threw you off, like not being able to make a decision.

You picked out a small Indian restaurant, a favourite of yours, and were soon digging into delicious food. You stayed silent for most of the meal while Luke told a few anecdotes from the studio, making approving sounds every now and then. Suddenly he went silent though, looking intensely at you. "What's wrong babe?" "Hm?" You looked up at him, feigning innocence, "nothing I'm fine". Luke tilted his head and kept staring at you for a couple more seconds before going back to taking a sip from his ice tea. He didn't push the issue any further when you were done, grabbing your hand the second you left the restaurant and holding you close until you reached the car. He didn't ask you again until right after pulling into his driveway and putting the car in park. He turned towards you, eyes clouded with concern: "Are you going to tell me what's up? Because I can tell something is off and it's confusing me." The slightly sad tone in his voice made your heart hurt, as if he was thinking he had done something wrong when in reality he had nothing done at all, your brain was just being stupid. "I'm -", you started to deny everything again when he cut you off, running his hands through his blonde locks in a frustrated manner. "Please don't say you're okay because you're clearly not." Your voice cracked when you spoke up again and you could feel the tears threatening to spill from the corners of your eyes: "I don't know what's up, Luke, and I'm really sorry for ruining the mood. But sometimes I just have those days, you know? I'm -" and again he cut you off, this time before you could apologize the second time in ten seconds, pulling you into him as good as he could with the console in-between you, kissing the top of your head gently while stroking your back. "It's okay babe. I might not quite get it now but it's alright. And - ", he held your head gently and looked into your eyes, smiling warmly - "I'm sure I can find a way to cheer you up a bit don't you think." You nodded and smiled, sniffling. Luke wiped away the few tears that had made their way down your cheeks, then nodded himself and got out the car to walk around and open the door for you. As soon as you left the vehicle, he slung his arm around your shoulders and squeezed you tight. "Let's have the coziest night in you can think of, yeah?" Your heart still was a little heavy, but it felt like the dark clouds were lifting slowly and in that moment you were so grateful to have Luke be with you.

In the following hours you snuggled up under a huge blanket on bis incredibly squishy couch, watching an entire season of one of your favourite TV shows that he had never seen, but seemed to enjoy after the first episode, demanding to know how the story went on. When the clock was at around 1/1.30am, he turned off the tv and put on a calming playlist, playing with your hair and just talking nonsense. You had still been quite quiet throughout the Netflix marathon, but suddenly felt like talking a bit more, like you should at least attempt to give Luke an explanation of what today had been - maybe it was the atmosphere that was just so calming and comforting to you, maybe it was his presence, the warmth his body radiated and the way you felt so secure in his arms, maybe it was the late hour or even a combination of all three that promoted you to start talking. Regardless, most of it was still not making much sense, but a least you felt better after getting it all off your chest and that Luke might get it a bit more now. There were still some uncertainties, but you were getting there. He had listened carefully, asking well placed questions, just being generally understanding and somewhere during the end of that talk - and you were sure it has been the relaxed state you were in and his voice that trailed on and on - both of you had fallen asleep on the couch, tangled up in each other and the blanket, completely content that while you had still problems to come to terms with your darker parts, Luke was definitely up for being there along the way and that made you incredibly happy and even excited for what the future of this relationship could be.

[goodproofingwater]

Wildfire Records - Chapter Nineteen

Word count: 2452

Playlist:  Love - Lana del Rey press play when you see the *

Warnings: sexual references, drug references

She felt like she was in a dream when she woke up to Josh kissing softly at her neck, but there was no way she could dream something so good. Her heart felt full and content, and for the first time in her life, she felt like she was with a man that was worth falling for.

They awoke together, kissing between sheets and taking each other again in the shower, his mouth claiming hers as his body pressed her against the tiles. He proved time and time again how much he loved giving head, and only when their stomachs growled did they realise they should probably have some breakfast.

She sighed as she sipped the coffee he made her and watched him cooking the eggs and bacon, dressed in his hoody and her underwear in a silent protest to clothing which would have to come to an end when she worked later.

Danny made his way up the stairs looking tired, rubbing his eyes with his hair all over the place, grabbing a coffee and slumping down in one of the kitchen counter chairs. He pressed his head to the counter and groaned, clearly not wanting to be awake. Danny was usually much more of a morning person, but Juliet had been told to work longer hours recently which meant that her alarm had been going off at 5am. That wasn’t even morning.

Josh chuckled at his friend, placing a plate down in front of him, Danny looking up at his friend in a way Victoria much imagined she would look at Josh if she ever got the chance to repay him for using his mouth, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Joshua” he spoke, and Josh chuckled as he placed another plate in front of Victoria with a smile.

They had finished their breakfast by the time Andy awoke, climbing up the stairs slowly holding a glass of water he was tentatively sipping at. He looked like shit, like he had been partying for three days straight and Victoria bit her lip as she let her eyes run over his shirtless form, remembering for a second why she had wasted her time before she moved and felt Josh in ever ache between her legs.

Josh grinned at him, his attitude toward Andy significantly improved now that he wasn’t jealous “late night?”

“Hm, what?” Andy spoke, looking up as if he hadn’t even noticed there was anyone there. The redhead met Victoria’s eyes for a moment before looking to the source of the voice, “Oh yeah… had something to celebrate. I need to talk to you boys today.”

He walked to the coffee machine, pulling out a mug and the feeling in his stomach when he looked into Victoria’s eyes was enough to stop him from wanting any further conversation. He turned only to walk back down to his room, eyes glossing over the hickey on her neck and he was immediately angry, glad that he wouldn’t have to see that anymore once this contract was signed.

Danny and Josh looked between each other for a moment before they went back to watching TV, and Josh slipped an arm behind Victoria’s head; a hand to her thigh and it was even more obvious now with how comfortable they were that they had been sleeping together.

Juliet and Danny smirked as they watched the two interact, and as Josh's hand got further and further up Victoria’s thigh, she pressed a soft kiss to his neck, “behave..” she whispered, and he shook his head. She bit her lip and ran her nose softly against his, kissing him gently.

“I gotta get ready for work..” she smiled against his lips and he shook his head once more.

“Mmno..” he kissed her again, no longer caring who knew about them. He had waited so long to have her in his arms that he couldn’t care less if Danny and Juliet saw them kissing. It wasn’t like they didn’t already know. “Stay home, baby…”

She kissed him softly once more, contemplating it before she shook her head. Slowly she pulled away from him, biting her lip as she stood up from the couch and walked downstairs into her room to get ready.

Josh watched her as she walked away, his hoody revealing just enough that he knew he was going to have to take a cold shower, and when he turned back he could feel Juliet and Danny’s eyes on him.

“What?” Juliet shook her head with a smirk, facing the tv once more but Danny was not one to let it go.

“So you and Vic, huh?” He spoke, and Josh couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his lips. He picked up his coffee with a small nod, and Danny grinned at him, “Finally!”

A month from that glorious morning, Victoria was feeling happier than she had done in a long time. Even with a long and tough shift at work ahead of her with Record Store Day in full swing, she couldn’t stop smiling. Various people at work had commented on just how sunny her disposition was, and while she wanted to sing from the rooftops she wasn’t sure exactly what she could say considering they weren’t official.

“I’m just… I’m seeing someone new.” She smiled at Megan, a girl that she had become close to since she had started working there. Megan had been to a few of the boys’ shows, had seen her with Andy and had been on shifts where Victoria would completely shut herself off emotionally after what he did to her.

“Well I’m glad, you seem to be super happy.” Megan spoke, slipping records into the W slot of the metal section while Victoria worked on the C’s, “tell me about him..” she pressed, and Victoria chuckled.

“Well he’s blonde, American and one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met… and he’s amazing in bed, oh my god.” She grinned, and watched as Megan’s eyes darted to someone behind her. Before she could turn, familiar hands moved across her eyes and she grinned as he pressed behind her.

*“Guess who..” he grinned, pressing a soft kiss to her neck and she grinned, turning around and hugging him before she kissed him softly. “Thought I’d come down and get some of those discounts you promised me”

His smile was contagious, and as she went back to the job at hand, he slipped his arms around her, flicking through the records she had just placed there.

“J, I’m trying to work..” she grinned, and he chuckled softly in her ear, placing another kiss to her neck and goosebumps erupted all over her skin.

“Vic I’m gonna need you to go and get the E, F and G boxes from the back” Megan spoke, a small smirk on her face, and Victoria grinned at her.

“Josh this is Megan, Megan this is Josh” she introduced them and then moved from his embrace, “if you’re gonna distract me from work, you can help me move boxes” She grinned, winking at Megan as she led Josh to the storeroom.

From the moment the storeroom closed, he was on her. Soft and deliberate kisses pressed from her lips all over her face. The last thing that he wanted was for her to think that this was just physical for him, that all he wanted was her body, but it was so difficult to keep his hands off of her when he felt so deeply and she finally reciprocated. With each day that passed, he slipped further and further into his feelings, and although he knew this was the honeymoon period he felt like he would never feel any other way again. His hands held her face as he kissed her fervently, and she let out a soft moan onto his lips which ran through his entire body.

“Josh we can’t have sex in the storeroom, I’ll get fired..” she whispered, and he chuckled against her lips.

“I don’t wanna fuck you here…” he paused as she quirked an eyebrow, “Well... I do, but I just came for record store day and couldn’t keep my hands off of you when i saw you..” as he spoke, his lips dragged softly against her own, and she let out a sigh as she realised just how safe she felt. Her heart fluttered as he placed another soft kiss on her lips and then turned to the storeroom, eyeing the boxes that looked like they were labeled correctly.

“I.. um..” he spoke, looking down as his heart raced, knowing that he shouldn’t be asking this here, that he should take her out somewhere romantic and wonderful but it had already been too long and he couldn’t wait. “V?”

He spoke, turning to look at her and she stood from where she had been bent over stacking boxes.

“You’re mine, right?” He asked, licking his lips, and shaking his head quickly with a grimace as if he hadn’t meant to say it like that, “I mean.. do you want to be? Do you wanna be my girl?” He was so nervous that he fell over his words, and she couldn’t help the smile that washed over her features.

He was so fucking cute and she felt her heart skip a beat at the thought of being his girlfriend.

“Of course I do, baby..” Grinning, she put the box that she was holding down and walked over to him, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him with so much passion he thought his legs were going to give away. He picked her up by her thighs and pressed her against the back of the storeroom door, and she almost forgot where she was with how much she wanted him, wanted to show him just how she felt. It was a strange feeling that ran through her each time he looked at her, like she could do anything she wanted, be anyone she wanted and he would be there to support her through it. Like his deft fingers, which now had so much experience in unraveling her, held her heart and protected it there. This was so different from anything she had ever experienced, and she was more than happy to be his.

Pulling away, she couldn’t stop smiling as he rested his forehead on hers, and his heart was running so fast he felt like he had run a marathon. Victoria Sanderson was finally his girl. After all the shit they had been through, after all the shit she had to put up with because of his friend, he could finally hold her in his arms and protect her from all of it.

“But baby I really have to get back to work, if we stay like this much longer I’m gonna lose all the willpower I have..” her lips dragged along his as she spoke, and he smirked before nipping softly at her bottom lip.

“Sure I can’t convince you for a quickie?” He smirked and she giggled softly against his lips.

“There are cameras in here..” she nodded toward the corner of the room where a soft flashing of a red dot could be seen sporadically.

“So?” His eyes were dark, and she bit down on her lip at another kink of his that unraveled. Even after a month of being together, she was still finding out new things about him. Andy had been very obvious with what he liked from the get-go, it had been very clear that he liked to dominate and Victoria was more than happy to oblige him, but Josh kept his kinks a little more hidden. Each fresh revelation turned the redhead on more, with the innocence that Josh portrayed slipping further and further from the truth with each new way to drive him crazy, “I bet we’d look hot…”

She let out a soft moan at the thought and shook her head, “I’ll get fired J... come on, help me with these boxes and we can celebrate later hm?”

He groaned and kissed her softly, nodding although there was nothing more he wanted than to show her just how happy she made him. He set her down softly and stacked three boxes, picking them up and Victoria took another, bringing them out to the shop floor and placing them by the relevant stacks.

“Do you want anything in particular babe?” She spoke, “I’ll put it aside for you and use my discount?”

“Hm..” he spoke, shaking his head, “if you see anything you think I’d like that would be great,” he smiled, leaning on the stack as he let his eyes run over he woman that was now his girl. He was having a hard time hiding just how happy he was, lips turned up in an almost constant smile.

“Sure,” she smiled, and began placing the records in the stacks as she was before. He wrapped his arms around her once more and she turned to give him a soft kiss before he moved away.

“See you at home, girlfriend,” he grinned as he walked out, and she matched it, heart fluttering as she realised she had never been this happy.

The texts from Cindy were getting more and more incessant, and Andy knew that he was at risk of losing this contract if he didn’t get the guys to sign tonight. He had left it far too long waiting for an opportunity to talk to them, and with each passing day it got harder and harder.

He sighed down at his phone as he received yet another “can you hurry” message from the blonde, and he bit his lip as he ran his eyes over the contract again. He had been fine with all of it, had been ready to fight every corner but it still felt wrong that Victoria would have to go. He would have to ask her to leave the house, would have to ask her not to have any contact with any of them and it was a bitter pill to swallow. Was losing a relationship with someone as great as her the price he was willing to pay for fame?

The itch in his blood was back, and as much as he wanted to limit himself he didn’t want to be sober for the conversation that was going to ensue once the guys got home. He put the pen next to the contract with full intention of getting them to sign and text his dealer, leaving to pick up a gram and leaving the contract on the kitchen counter.

[lesbianbruabba]

Answer all the qs! Unless theres any you don’t want to do

Mobile so these are ugly sowwy

1:Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

Well I just spent my night watching exurb1a that p much explains it

2:Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

Sometimes?

3:If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

I’m pro legalization but if it’s an addiction obviously I’d try and prevent further damage. If it’s well controlled i don’t mind.

4:Do you find it easy to trust others?

I trust too easily so yeah

5:What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Watching exurb1a, or wanking, or looking at takeouts on Deliveroo

6:You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

Probably my brother or one of my best friends

7:What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

Cry

8:Are you close with your dad?

Fairly close imo. But we have a lot of opposing views and I have to try and overlook those.

9:I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

No?

10:What are you listening to?

Magic by Coldplay @samrull can suck my dick

11:You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Cum fanta lemon

12:Do you like hickeys?

YES unless they’re on my boobs then NO bc I used to have like massive ones and I couldn’t sleep on my back

13:What time do you go to bed?

Hahahhahahahaaha you must be new here

14:Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

My mother

15:Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

Yea

16:Do you always answer your texts?

Most of the time unless I’m tired

17:Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

No

18:When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

Like a few minutes ago with Iza bc I pester her a lot

19:Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

My little brother and all my best friends

20:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I went to bed yesterday morning but my last thought was ‘I love Tom Holland’

21:Is anyone else in the room with you?

No. I don’t think so

22:Do you believe what goes around comes around?

No

23:Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

Yes. On the 30th December I was probably hanging out with my brother.

24:Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

A few. Some are beyond repair, others are just lost chances.

25:In the past week, have you cried?

Lmao. Yeah. A lot.

26:What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

White with pink and blue argyle patterns

27:Do people ever call you by your last name?

No. I would hate that

28:Is anyone ignoring you right now?

Probably? Idk

29:Do you have a best friend?

I have 7 bitch

30:Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

No

31:Who was your last call/text message from?

Iza

32:Are you mad at anyone?

Yeah. Pro lifers.

33:Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes

34:How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

23? Idk I don’t remember

35:How many more days until your birthday?

Like 3 months minus a bit.

36:Do you have any summer plans yet?

Yeah! I’m going to Poland with my mum. Then I’m going home and going to suffer in the HK heat.

37:Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

Yes. Two, one is my brother.

38:Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

No. I’m an open book lol

39:Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

I don’t think so??

40:Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

No

41:Do you think age matters in relationships?

Depends on the age gap and the ages of the parties involved

42:Are you available?

Yes

43:How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

1 or 2

44:If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

Nose ring but not septum. On the side of my nose

45:Do you believe exes can be friends?

Yes if they put effort into it

46:Do you regret anything?

A lot.

47:Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

Turbulent is such a good song also I want thanos to raw me

48:Did you ever lose a best friend?

I’ve ghosted a best friend if that counts bc she’s toxic as fuck

49:Was your last kiss a mistake?

No

50:Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

Bc they don’t like me back lmao and also ‘pursuing’ sounds kind of predatory??

51:Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

No

52:Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

Not really

53:What was the last thing you ate?

A weird cake that was sweet but I couldn’t pinpoint the flavor

54:Did you get any compliments today?

Yes

55:Where are you going on your next vacation?

June to Poland

56:Do you own anything from other countries?

Yeah I have dolls from Belgium and Poland and Japan and also some trinkets from other places

57:Are most of your friend guys or girls?

The majority are girls

58:Where have you lived most of your life?

Tseung kwan o

59:When was the last time you took a long drive?

I don’t drive :D

60:Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

No

61:Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

No! I’m a good girl uwu

62:Who do you text the most?

Probably Iza

63:What was the last movie you saw?

Endgame but it’s a bad stream of it

64:What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

Don’t have one

65:How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

66:Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

No. You asked this question earlier

67:Do you curse around your parents?

Hell nah they’d ground me even though I’m nineteen

68:Are you happy with where you live?

Not really but it’s okay

69:Picture of yourself?

70:Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

Personally I’m monogamous

71:Have you ever been dumped?

No

72:What do you most like about making out?

It’s hot

73:Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

Yes

74:When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

Both?

75:What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

Face

76:Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

Iza or my brother’s gf

77:Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

No

78:Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

No

79:What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

Dogs

80:Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

NOPE

81:Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

No lol have you seen what I look like

82:Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

Depends on who the crush is and who I tell. Usually I tell my brother and maaaaaybe some of my more sensible friends

83:Do you miss your last sweetie?

???????????

84:Last time you slow danced with someone?

Uhh never. I wish I did though that sounds cool

85:Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

Nope

86:How can I win your heart?

Make me a playlist and be honest with me. Also be funny

87:What is your astrological sign?

Leo but I’m more of a cancer

88:What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Eating my takeout and watching exurb1a

89:Do you cook?

I make a good risotto and also potato dauphinois. But otherwise no

90:Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

Don’t got one

91:If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

Hells yeah @wlw hit me up

92:Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

The latter

93:What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

A nice face. I like older blondes when it comes to women and less muscley men. Generally for everyone, the more feminine the better.

94:Name four things that you wish you had!

Bigger eyes, a boney figure, fluency in all languages, more brain cells

95:Are you a player?

I play the ukulele

96:Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

No

97:Are you a tease?

I plead the fifth

98:Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

Yeah a few and they were all v sweet gals

99:Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

I don’t know

100:Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

Yeah

101:Hugs or Kisses?

Hugs!!!!

102:Are you too shy to ask someone out?

I don’t think so

103:The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Eyes

104:Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

Yes!! And I call everyone that except my brother he’s dickhead

105:If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

No!!

106:Do you flirt a lot?

Depends on who you are and how well you know me

107:Your last kiss?

Last year

108:Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

No

109:Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

Lmao no

110:If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

One of the people I’m crushing on probably. Or Zach Grace

111:Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

No, that’s an interesting question though.

112:Does someone like you currently?

Probably not. Again, refer to picture of me

113:Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

Yeah I always fuckin do

114:Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

Serious relationships

115:Ever made out with just a friend?

Yes

116:Are you happier single or in a relationship?

Well I’ve only experienced the former so

Thanks for the questions sorry they’re ugly im also ugly but I’m sure u arent