#and then when charlie challenged it and said she does the same shit the guys do he was like

[dennisboobs]

jesus christ are the commentaries with dr drew ever fucking painful

[miniscule-meow]

Charlie and Felix: Phone Calls

Masterpost Wordcount: ~2k Warnings: lots of swears? First Part | Last Part | Next Part

---

Sitting in her dorm room, she sighs, staring absentmindedly at the ceiling. She is supposed to be focusing on her biology homework, but she keeps replaying her conversation with Felix in her head. So, he transferred from Rosehill University. That’s, like, The number one Supers college. Her brothers all go there. Or, went there. Her two oldest brothers, Elias, and Asher, have both already graduated. Mars is a senior now, and Jeremey, her twin, is a junior. Considering Felix is a junior as well, Jeremy and Mars might have had some classes with him. She pulls out her phone and texts Jeremy.

“Hey. Do you know Felix Westwell?”

“Ya. That guy is a jerk.”

Her brother’s response comes. Shortly after, her phone buzzes again, he adds,

“He got like, expelled lmao”

She replies,

“Nah, he just transferred to Bayshear.”

“??? WTF! Dude that’s crazy. Stay away from him. He’s bad news Frfr”

“We have a class together. He seems… nice enough.”

After that message, she immediately gets a phone call.

“Hello—” she starts to answer, but she’s immediately cut off.

“Char, I am so serious. You do not want to mess with that guy,” Jeremy’s loud voice announces as soon as she picks up the phone.

“Okay. Uh, cool. I just wanted to see if you knew him. I’ve had like, a couple of run-ins with him and he—”

“What kind of ‘run-ins’? What does that mean?” He cuts her off again, she rolls her eyes.

“I mean, we have a class together. We did a group project, calm down. Aside from that we’ve had like, one conversation,” she can already tell that she does not want to tell him out about her conversation with Felix yesterday. “He mentioned he transferred from Rosehill. I didn’t ask him about you though, he didn’t really want to talk about school.”

“Yeah, no shit!” Jeremy barks a laugh, “He got his ass expelled.”

“So, you weren’t like friends or anything then," she states.

“Friends,” Jeremy scoffs, “Yeah, absolutely not. Did you know he put Mars in the school infirmary for two weeks?”

“Wait- that was because of him?” she asks, her heart sinking. She remembers that happening. It was late last year. Mars ended up being fine, thanks to the healers, but it was a really scary time. Apparently, that’s just sort of the nature of the school. When you’re strong enough, it’s common that other students will try to challenge that.

“Yeah man, he’s fuckin’ volatile.” Jeremy confirms.

Involuntarily, her heart begins pounding. Her mind drifts back to yesterday. Felix’s ability is no joke, she can definitely see that. But it’s crazy to think that the hands that held her yesterday were the same ones that nearly crushed her brother. Not that Felix was particularly gentle with her, not that she’s surprised he’s capable of it. It’s just that she didn’t truly consider how much danger she was in, until now.

“I guess. He definitely seems to have a short temper," she muses.

“To say the least,” Jeremy says with a huff, “It’s starting to sound like you’ve maybe had more than just a couple run-ins, Char. Spill it.”

“You’re going to freak out," she winces.

“I mean, now that you've said that, yeah, I want to freak out. The more you keep stalling, the worse I'm imagining.”

“Promise me that you’ll be chill," she asserts.

“Char,” he sighs.

“Promise!”

“Fine, whatever. I promise I’m going to be so chill about whatever horrible thing you’re about to tell me," she can hear the eye-roll in his voice.

“Okay so like, he was getting picked on for being a super—”

“Which he deserves,” Jeremey interrupts immediately, she should have put money on that happening. “He like, embodies all the reasons mundanes hate supers.”

“Germ, it was like, really problematic, okay? And besides, the guys messing with him didn’t know he was a super for sure. Anyway,” she begins, before her brother can cut her off again. “He ran off into the woods and I sort of followed him.”

“Charlotte,” he sounds disappointed, “you can’t just follow people into the woods.”

“I want to point out that I didn’t know he was a super at this point.”

“Uh, that’s,” he cuts himself off with an incredulous noise. “That’s so beside the point? Super or not, you shouldn’t just follow people into the woods, period.”

“So anyway,” she says, getting them back on track, “I wanted to check on him, and he showed me his ability. We talked for a while, it wasn’t a big deal.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Run that by me again. He showed you his ability?” He asks, she can already hear the freakout that’s about to happen.

“You said you’d be cool about it!” She reminds him.

“I—” He takes an audibly deep breath, “by ‘showed you his ability’ do you mean that he used it against you?” His voice has a faux sense of calm to it.

“I don’t know that I would describe it like that.”

“Did he touch you, yes or no?” He asks, his voice trembling with a rage she can hear even through the phone.

“It’s not a big deal, Germ," she says, trying to smooth this over.

“Yes or no, Charlotte I’m being so for real right now.”

“Alright, so like only a little bit," she admits, "but I'm really fine. I’m really super fine, I promise—”

“Oh my god!” he explodes. “If I see him again, it is on fuckin’ sight.”

“No! No J, it is not ‘on sight’ do you even hear yourself!”

“Do you hear yourself?” He returns immediately. “Listen, Mars is strong as hell. Did you not hear the part where I said that Felix put him in the infirmary for two weeks. That’s two weeks with advanced healers, dude.”

“Alright, I get it—”

“Do you? Seriously? Like, all of his ribs were broken. You should not be putting yourself in these situations! You’re not invincible, Charlotte! I mean, you’re out there all by yourself, you can’t just—I mean, I’m not there, Mars isn’t there, like,” he heaves a frustrated sigh.

“What, Jeremy. You’re not here to protect me?” She can feel herself flash with a hot spark of anger, “Just because I don’t have powers, doesn’t mean that I’m completely helpless!”

“Stop. That’s not what I’m saying, and you know it,” he counters. “I’m saying, the whole point of you going to a mundane school was so you could just be around some normal people for once! But, Of course, you go and find the one super in the whole school. Of course, the one super at your school would be the most dangerous guy I know. Fucking great. I swear, it’s like you look at danger and just think Yeah, that looks friend-shaped, why not!”

“Whatever, Jeremy. Felix and I aren’t even friends! I told you we just had like, one conversation. I—” she huffs, “look, I’ve got a lot of homework to take care of. I’ll talk to you later.”

She hangs up quickly, tossing her phone aside with a frustrated swear.

Jeremy has always been super protective of her. She understands where he’s coming from, and she can’t say that he’s wrong. But still. It’s so frustrating to hear him say it. Yes, she should be more careful. Yes, he’s not here to protect her. Yes, it’s scary that Felix nearly killed her brother. She didn't know that before.

Maybe she has a worse judge of character than she originally thought.

---

“Mr. Westwell, this has been an enlightening session,” his advisor says as they finish their online check-in. It’s what she always says, and it typically means that he’s done a bad job convincing her that he’s, he doesn’t know, normal? He supposes that's what she's looking for. Whatever it is she’s looking to get from him, it would seem as though he hasn’t been able to provide that just yet.

Even when he comes in, trying to answer the questions the way she wants them to be answered, he’s always met with a ‘this has been enlightening.’ She'll take her report back to the school, and he'll be stuck at this mundane college. Theoretically, if he's on his best behavior, eventually Rosehill will accept him back. He doesn't think that's really going to happen.

“One more thing before I leave you, have you made any friends at Bayshear?” She asks.

“With any of the mundanes?” He scoffs, “I hardly see how that’s relevant.”

“Hm,” she says, obviously disappointed. She tilts her head, making a note of that response.

“Well, alright. I’ve made one friend, if it’s that important,” he covers quickly, crossing his arms with a huff. The coordinator pauses. The picture of her on his screen looks up at him over the rim of her glasses.

Great now he needs to think of a believable lie. Or, actually, wait. Maybe it doesn’t need to be a lie. It certainly won’t be the entire truth, but he might actually have something here.

“I met this girl. Her name is Charlotte. I don’t, uh, I don’t know her last name. She’s in one of my gen-ed classes, we were partners on a project.”

“Alright,” the coordinator does not sound terribly impressed. Now that he's heard himself say it out loud, he isn't really impressed either. Felix runs the mental math, trying to figure out if telling her what really happened would be better or worse for his permanent record. She had asked him the story behind his black eye earlier, and he completely fielded the question, changing the subject entirely. Maybe he can actually spin this one though. It's worth a shot.

“Okay, fine. Do you want the story about my eye?” He says, gesturing to his still swollen face, The coordinator takes of her glasses, listening with a raised brow. “I’m not changing the subject, it kind of all goes together,” he sighs. “So these guys were being really obnoxious, and I know you probably won't believe me, but they actually started a fight with me. I swear I was actually trying to de-escalate and everything. But, I mean, long story short,” he gestures again to his face. “Maybe you should put in your notes that I lost a fight to a couple mundanes on purpose. If they were supers that would not have happened. But,” he raises his hands, digressing.

"I went out to the woods nearby to blow off some steam and Charlie- uh, Charlotte, the girl from my class, she followed me. I was like, ‘hey you need to leave,’ because I was going to use my ability, and I obviously didn’t want her there for that. But, she is the most stubborn person I’ve ever met, so did she leave? Of course not. So, I grew, but she didn’t freak out. She was really normal about it. Uh, we," he decides to respectfully omit all the middle parts of the story, "we just, ended up talking. Apparently her brothers go to Rosehill? I don’t know. She also said she wouldn’t tell anyone about my abilities because the mundanes are weird about that sort of thing here. And, anyway. I don’t know. That’s probably a lot of nothing. It’s a new development. But yeah we’re totally friends. Check.”

“Felix, that is…” enlightening. Yeah, whatever. He predicts her next words, but he's surprised when she says instead, “ that is really some great progress. I’m happy to hear that,” she says. He looks up. “I hope to hear more about Charlotte next time, she sounds like she could be a good influence for you.”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah for sure,” he says, and with that the videocall ends. This is great news for him. Charlie is such a social butterfly. And so far, he hasn’t really been able to get her to leave him alone.

Maybe he’ll make a friend after all.

[delicrieux]

☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”

PART 13: ...O-OH?

it’s the night of the big stream. y/n uncovers a strange, albeit deep, bond with charlie. corpse interrupts her garden date with sykkuno quite unceremoniously. tensions are high as ever; proximity chat reveals internal monologues and stray thoughts. y/n’s “batshit insane” energy affects everyone. this is, quite literally, the best game of among us bretman has ever played.

─── corpse husband x reader, sykkuno x reader (if you squint, it’s very one sided)  ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: 6.1k oops ─── ❥ reqs: sum people requested some interaction w bretman + jealous corpse + flirty sykkuno

author’s note: guys....GUYS WE’RE ON THE 3RD “OH” hope ur excited cus i am!!! this was rly fun to write, but then again, everything is better than writing an essay lmao! this is extremely chaotic and a bit seggsy but like a minuscule bit u wont even notice it i swear xx there’s not much social media in this one, mostly written lol. as always lmk wat u think n thank u for all ur kind words n sooo manyyyy ideassss!!! love u lots

ultimate masterlist.  ҉  myso masterlist   ҉   previous. ҉   next.

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It’s happening, you think, picking the discreet, angelic white color for your astronaut - with a halo and all, truly, you are a seraph that stepped through the gates of heaven and descended onto earth to grace these morals with your presence...quite literally, you’re not only donning white in game, but also in real life, cute as a button or more like as a bunny. Cat girls are overrated - cat boys, on the other hand, you’ll ardently defend till your last breath - but bunny girls...Safe to say, your chat had been going feral. Your endless ego is fed well. You even swore on your heart that no devilish trickery would follow in this game - you had left your snake ways behind you.

No one believed you. The Roaches know you too fucking well.

The influx of new subs, however, do not. Look at this cute girl! She wouldn’t hurt a fly! You chuckle at the compliments. At the exact same moment, Rae pipes up on the discord call, “Y/n is leering and cackling evilly. No one trust her.”

Demon woman herself must be watching your stream before starting her own. You pout, all adorable and innocent, but your eyes gleam slyly. Truly, a mastermind of manipulation! Look at you go! The chat is swooning. The viewer number steadily climbs past 16K and you hum happily, welcoming all that decided to join your little clan, “Don’t listen to Rae. Wifey is mad because I said I’m not bringing her back a souvenir. Well guess what, bitch, I’m the gift.”

Your perfect image does not quite align with your tone, nor the affectionate nickname you call your roommate (bitch, not wifey). The new viewers are none the wiser though, just like your new stream mates.

There is laughter from people you don’t quite know. The lobby is almost full, but not everyone has trickled in yet.

“Filing divorce papers right now.” Rae mumbles, but you hear the smile in her voice. It makes you crack a grin, too. 

More hello’s and shy introductions to the people in the lobby. Sykkuno’s green astronaut pops in with a upbeat, “Hey, everyone! Hi, Y/n!” as his character circles around yours. A collective awww echoes in your stream chat as you, quite breathless at the wholesomeness, reply with a “Hi! Hi hi!” as well.

Corpse is next to join, mysteriously ominous. The discord call is pure chaos, everyone screaming over the other variations of his name while stressing different syllables. Silent as a grave, he just stands there, his black astronaut seemingly eyeing everyone in the lobby. 

Alas, when the noise dies down, he utters, “Whaddup, baby.” and it’s pandemonium all over again. You are screeching/laughing along with the rest. His astronaut swiftly glides to Sykkuno, still circling around you, “Hey, Sykkuno.” He says. The latter abruptly stops. The game hasn’t even started, and already - betrayal! Sykkuno starts circling around Corpse now, leaving you in the dust.

“Hey, dude!”

“Yo,” You interrupt, “I’m like here too, yeah?”

“Fight, fight, fight!” Pokimane jeers. You can’t see her, but you’re certain she’s pumping her fists in the air. 

“Let’s leave the bloodshed for the game, yeah?” Dream offers past her laugh ridden urging.

“No, fuck that, let’s start this shit right now,” Charlie declares - his monotone is strangely pleasant to the ear, and you lean back in your chair with a thoughtful hum. Something about his energy just clicks with yours instantly, but perhaps you’re judging too quickly- “Got my fucking knife ready to slit some throats. You can all pretend you aren’t ready to kill on sight, but that’s not me. I’ll teabag your dead fucking body.”

-yeah, no, your initial estimate had been correct! What a pleasant surprise, you feel like you and he will get along beautifully. 

“Way to be subtle, Charles.” Rae snorts.

“Subtle doesn’t make an interesting game, Rae,” He’s quick to bite back, “and if I’m Impostor, you bet your fucking ass I’m going after you first.”

“Noooooo!” She shrieks, rushing to your astronaut, which is still just standing there, abandoned, like the equivalent of that one emoji, “Y/n, protect me.”

“Of course, baby.” You purr. 

There’s mumbling in the discord call, though it’s barely audible. Corpse seems to be repeating the word to himself: Baby...Baby?...Baby...

“You’re gonna stab me in the back the first chance you get, won’t you?” She questions, already painfully aware of the answer.

“You know it!”

“Finally, someone that’s not fucking cowering in their boots and flaunting their real nature.” Charlie says, “Y/n, form a Big Dick Alliance with me.”

“Oh for sure, man.” You agree immediately, trailing to his in game figure, “Let’s show these virgins how it’s done.”

“This is going to be a mess, isn’t it?” Sean’s voice rings with a cheerful laugh, making you flustered. Yes, you’re actually playing with THE JacksepticeyeTM. You still haven’t fully wrapped your head around that part, “I’m very excited to see where this will go.”

“Nowhere good.” You say with unparalleled sincerity - every word you speak to him, the icon, the legend, the one of the few youtubers you actually actively follow, must be genuine. You doubt you can lie to him. He’s too good of a person. You admire him too much. Stuck between wanting to be a shady bitch and an absolute saint, you refrain from addressing him more - you are simply not worthy.

its the y/n trying to act like a normal person in front of jack for me

ikr she looks ready to join the monastery

each day we stray closer to gods light???

Your viewers are snide as always. Gosh, you love them.

The last player pops in, fashionably late, “Hey, y’all.”

“Hey, Bretman!” The call choruses somewhat harmoniously.

“Hi, daddy.” He’s speaking to Corpse now, a smile in his voice - you can hear it even past the static of his atrocious mic. Your eyes widen, eyebrows shooting up. Your friends are cackling, but confusion refrains you from doing the same - were you not the only one Corpse offered, seemingly so long ago!, to be his sugar baby? 

One betrayal after the other. You’re glad for the Big Dick Alliance. The name has a nice right to it, too. 

Corpse laughs, “...Hey, Bretman. How are you today?”

Damn, two sentences for him, but not even a word spoken to you!? You’re already scripting a very melodramatic paragraph you will text him after the stream. With poorly masked discontent, you mutter, “Wow, thanks for such a warm welcome, Corpse, my day’s going great, yeah, loving the company.”

“Now now miss girl,” Bretman chimes, “we can’t be all daddy’s favorite.”

“Careful,” Charlie drones, “I think you just got yourself onto Y/n’s shit list.”

“Right next to Corpse Husband and Valkyrae.” You agree, “Sykkuno!” You suddenly call him.

“Uhm-Uh-Yes?” Is his nervous reply.

“You’re safe.” You state coldly, “For now.”

“You are not going after Sykkuno on my watch.” It must be a belated holiday miracle because Corpse finally decides to address you. His words seem to awake something in him, “Hey-Hey-Hey-” He swiftly glides to you, standing right next to your minute virtuous angel, “When are you coming back to Cali?”

corpse stop acting weird challenge

literally omg lmao

he does bring up a good point y/n y u not in cali yet?!

^pack it up corpse simp he disrespected the queen when he didnt say hi

“Back off, buddy,” Charlie interjects, “this spot is for Big Dick Alliance members only.”

“I’m never returning.” You inform him, your voice cold like the Arctic snow, and the look in your eyes is no kinder. You feel like you’re having a stare down through screen. 

Silence stretches. Is this an intimidation tactic? Because if it is, it’s a paltry one. Your conviction to be petty is stronger than any vulnerability you might feel.

“Then I have nothing to say to you.” He admits and fucks right off with that. Fine, go join Sykkuno and Rae in their little corner of betrayal! Friendship ended with Corpse, now Charlie is your best friend.

“Okay, guys, guys, guys-” Toast, noting this is going to spiral any minute now, tries to catch their attention, “Let’s start?!”

You look into your camera, and the roaches know what you’re thinking. You’re twins like that, communicating telepathically. You are taking back your tender promise of not being a conniving bastard. It’s fucking on. You will destroy everyone in your path, starting with the guy you have a stupid crush on - maybe?! Feelings are confusing, you’d rather just not think point blank period.

With no objections from the cast, the counter ticks away seconds and, for the first round, you’re stuck as CREW MATE.

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Charlie is a gift. Truly, you had not expected such a sudden, wonderful relationship to bloom. How have you not known of him sooner?! It’s a crime that you hadn’t spoken to him earlier. You are a 100% certain if you had found him before you started streaming, he would’ve been a big inspiration. 

The two of you do your silly little tasks and curse like sailors, commenting about this and that thanks to proximity chat. You wouldn’t have been able to stand the claustrophobic silence if it was just a normal Among Us game - to think, missing out on all his foully worded quips! It almost springs a tear into your eye. He’s just as unhinged as you.

worried about this dynamic 

its a trainwreck lol i love it plz collab more plz

Caught in a headed discussion in Electrical - TikTok trends, or audios specifically - you defend the app the best you can. Charlie thinks it’s super cringe, and you insist it’s part of the charm as you connect wires.

“I mean, have...-do you know that one audio, the one that goes, like,” You’re spilling your words, heated, frustrated that he’s so dismissive of the app that literally saved 2020, “it goes like, uhm,” You clear your throat, prep your voice - even take a sip of your favorite drink. Drawing the syllables, you try your best to make it drop an octave - it must sound like you’re doing an atrociously bad and nauseatingly scratchy Corpse impression with an extra dramatic flair, “My assssssss, your cockkk, you do the mathhh.”

“Did-Did I just-” You freeze hearing Corpse’s voice, finally done with your task. Charlie is muffling his laughter behind his palm; Corpse’s astronaut stands in the doorway, “What the fuck did I just walk into?” He seems genuinely confused, though a strangely winded. You’re mortified. Your shoulders are shaking. You look at the stream chat but it’s going too fast for you to follow. Manic laughter bubbles in your chest and you squeeze your eyes shut, mouth split into a toothy grin, lowering your head and trying to hide the blush dusting your cheeks.

“Hey? Guys? What the fuck are you talking about?” He questions again.

“Honestly?” Charlie chimes, “No fucking clue. TikTok, I think. Ask Y/n.”

You can’t reply. You’re crying. You cover your face with your palms, muttering a soft oh my god before bursting into a full blow laugh, throwing your head back, the motion accidentally knocking your headphones off.

“Y/n.” Corpse calls you, “Fuck was that?”

You’re howling. Your stomach hurts. There are literal tears in your eyes. You think Charlie might be laughing too, but you can’t really tell over your loud screeching. Hastily fixing your headphones, you wipe away the tears stuck to your lower lashes, heaving, “S-Sorry, I-” You stutter, breaking into another fit of giggles. Corpse patiently waits you to calm down. Catching your breath, you start again with a sniffle, “TikTok, yeah.” You idly fix your hair, trying to bite down a smile, “It’s an audio.”

“What- What kind of videos are you watching?”

“The good kind.” Your reply is instant, merciless, “Also, why are you here? We’re having a BDA meeting, you know.”

“I-I...” He trails off, “I...I heard people talking and...I just came here to check it out, but...I’m regretting it.” There’s a lilt in his voice, and you know he doesn’t regret jack shit. You bet he’s smiling. You wish you could see it.

“Bitch, then leave!” You huff. You aren’t sure what is with him today, and you don’t want to stick around and find out - his playfulness makes your stomach flip at the most inappropriate times! Like when you’re trying to sound threatening. You must retreat posthaste, “No, wait, I’ll do it for you.” You say, brushing past his character. Charlie follows after you.

“Dude, you’re so fucking lucky neither of us are the Impostor because you’d be deader than I’ve been feeling since I was 10.” Your favorite companion comments. Charlie is truly a modern wordsmith. You’re pretty sure you adore him, because you’re nodding your head, so quick to agree with him that even you’re surprised. 

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A meeting is called. You spare a glance at your fallen crew mates. They will be missed. Sean most of all, God, why does heaven always take the good ones?! The game feels emptier without him, even if you really only passed him once on your trek to Cafeteria with Charlie.

You may or may not have been avoiding him, afraid you’d accidentally say something horrible and he would hate you. It’s a silly fear, though a deep one. And with Charlie keeping you company, you had not uttered a single objectively  good, or even coherent, sentence. Your parents can’t watch this stream once it’s uploaded onto your Youtube channel. They know you’re barely keeping it together in most of your videos, but here, now? Yeah, no. Charlie is already hard to listen to on his own for sensitive viewers, and hearing you agree with literally everything he says with your own chaotic ideas? Your dad would stumble into an early grave.

Mom probably wouldn’t mind too much, but you’d have to explain your relationship status again. She is under the assumption that everyone you collab with is your significant other. You’d say it began with Sykkuno, though the exclamation of “Finally! My daughter isn’t pathetically single! We need to celebrate.” had started with Rae. Truly, a scandal.

Speaking of which, Sykkuno is gone, too, but you had time to mourn him already. You found his body roughly ten minutes ago; so torn with the fresh agony of heartbreak, you could not do anything else but cry. It was Charlie, bless his heart, that reported it.

“Someone killed Jack,” You say, voice dripping with venom, “court is now in session. I’m ready to vote the fucker out.”

People speak all at once. Toast roars over them, “ORDER! ODER IN COURT!” as he slams his hand onto his desk repeatedly. That seems to work, though briefly.

“I think it’s Y/n.” Corpse says. You stare at him, hand gripping your heart, mouth falling open in surprise.

flame him

corpse boutta be a corpse fr

beat his ass queen!!!!!

“Pardon my french,” You grumble, “but nani the fuck?!”

“It’s definitely Y/n, I found her and Charlie conspiring in Electrical. Surrealist experience of my fucking life, but it’s definitely her.”

“Dude, we’ve been over this,” Charlie sighs, shushing Rae who was about to comment something - knowing your luck, it was probably in favor of the man throwing you under the bus, “we would’ve snapped your fucking neck the moment you walked in. But we didn’t.”

“Yeah, we didn’t.” Corpse notes, “I said nothing about you, I’m just saying it’s definitely her. She probably didn’t kill in front of you because of your stupid alliance-”

“Someone sounds salty because he wasn’t invited.” Pokimane snickers.

“-or possibly she did tell you and you won’t betray her for the exact same reason.”

“That’s some big brain logic you pulled there, genius,” Charlie says, absolutely unimpressed, “sure you didn’t have an aneurysm trying to connect all of that together?”

“Well,” Rae pipes up, “Y/n and Charlie did say they will kill right before the game started. If you ask me, it’s not unbelievable. And Sykkuno was sorta on the shit list.”

“I’m writing down your name twice, Rachell.” You spit.

“Not helping your case at all, Y/n...” Dream worries, “And Rae makes a good point. Charlie and you have professed desire for murder. I’m just saying! It’s a bit suspicious, you know?”

The next words to leave Corpse’s lips sound incredibly smug, “See?” He drawls.  The pressure is getting to you - you don’t understand where this beguiling talent of his to convince literally everyone comes from, but it doesn’t inspire any confidence. Your fist suddenly feels incredibly lonely, so useless - oh, how you long to swing at him, “It’s definitely Y/n.”

“I dunno...” Toast mumbles.

“It’s Y/n.”

“Corpse-” You try, but he's ignoring you - shocker, as if he hadn’t been doing that from the very start of this stupid game - and chanting your name like it’s a fucking mantra or something, a smile in his voice, knowing, relishing in the fact that he’s grating on your nerves, “FIRST OF ALL,” You scream into the mic, successfully cutting him off; catching your breath, you exhale, and continue, calmly, lowly,  “get my pretty name out of your mouth.” 

There’s a pause full of tense silence. 

Then, there’s a sound, seemingly stuck in the back of his throat, “...O-Oh...?”

“Second of all,” You continue, words like honey dipped in arsenic, “This is the clearest smear campaign I have ever witnessed. By how hard you’re trying to frame me for fuck knows what reason, I’m led to believe it’s you that killed them. You’re the Impostor.”

“Corpse wouldn’t kill Sykkuno, though.” Rae comments, skeptical.

“Then the other Impostor did it.” You counter.

“Maybe you’re both Impostors.” Pokimane chirps.

“Y/n would never betray the Big Dick Alliance like that.” Charlie states.

You grin, “Charlie, I literally love you.” 

“Wait hold up now,” Corpse seems to get his bearings together, “what’s this about love I’m hearing?”

“I have none for you, dick.” You snap, flipping him off. Your chat cheers. While he can’t see it, you hope he senses it through the screen, “I officially hate you.”

“No, wait-”

“Boo, Corpse, you suck.” Toast laughs.

“Y/n, please-”

“Let’s all vote for Corpse Husband, okay?” You say it like it’s his full official name with an encouraging smile and multiple soft nods. Sykkuno can’t be here to nod, so you’ll do it for him. You eye the rapidly decreasing timer before clicking on Corpse’s figure and voting for him. The VOTED icon instantly pops up beside your adorable astronaut.

“Baby, I-” It slips past his lips so easily, as if he’s not even thinking about it, like it’s only natural to call you that and a spike of anxiety shoots up, making you glare. It’s only halfhearted. You try your best to ignore the rapid and uncoordinated pulses of your heart. Replace unwanted feelings with anger and hate - works like a charm, every time.

“You are not allowed to call me that.” You hiss. The chat spams snake emojis. 

“Wait-” Bretman chimes, “Hold up, y’all, slow down a minute. Why does Corpse never call me baby?”

“Yeah!” Pokimane agrees, “I want to be baby, too!”

Pokimane may not have been called baby, but you just single-handedly decided her nickname for her - Target 4. Welcome to the shit list, she is officially your public enemy number 1. You aren’t sure why the thought of Corpse ever referring to anyone else as baby makes you sick to your stomach (you actually do know why, but brain no think at the moment), but you wish this whole conversation never happened. You don’t like it.

20 seconds left. More VOTED icons appear by your friends. Corpse is the last one to cast his ballot at, you assume, you, as the rest wait for his quick explanation before everyone (or not) returns to the game, “...Because she’s my baby.”

Goodbye. Life had been sweet, and there was sorrow, though the amount of embarrassment you feel now is worse than when the internet found your cringe worthy high school pictures on your mom’s Facebook. It’s a mixture of dread and excitement - the pleasure of being noticed, cherished even, though anxious from vulnerability. Someone is screaming a very prolonged “WHAAAAT?!”, or maybe multiple people are, you aren’t sure, your ears start to hurt from the loud, conflicting cacophony of voices as you stare blankly at the screen. You received two votes, just like Corpse, Charlie got one, the rest skipped. With no one flung out, you all find yourself back in Cafeteria again.

Baby. My baby? My baby. My baby. The sentence is playing ping-pong in your mind, reverberating louder each time. You’re actually speechless for the first time in your life; your chest hurts, your heart beating so fast your hands start shaking. Had he meant it? Or was this a some joke? Was he trying to get a rise out of you again? You might just go insane from so many questions. My baby. Holy shit, this is a heart attack, this is what a heart attack feels like, dear God, you figured you at least had ten years before you get one!

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✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

First round ends with IMPOSTORS raining victorious. Your sixth sense had been working wonders since, true to you previous estimate, it had been Corpse. His companion was Pokimane. For absolutely no reason what’s so ever, you change her name once more from Target 4 to Target 1. Normally, you’re all for girls supporting girls. Men don’t deserve anything, really, but now you’re so flustered and still reeling from what you are 80% sure was cardiac arrest that you genuinely don’t care about your established morals.

Round two starts without much deliberation. You get CREW MATE again; the game must sense your growing bloodlust, making sure that once you do get IMPOSTOR, you will not hold back. True power is granted to those who are ready and strong enough to wield it. You wait for your moment with bated breath.

Charlie is taken from you too early. The two of you were once again caught in a discussion - God knows about what, Minecraft, hentai, oh! your server! - as you tried to card swipe for the umpteenth time. The lights blew out and you just knew one of you was getting murdered there and then. Charlie’s voice abruptly cut off, and you think a part of you died with him.

It’s a cold meeting; with your new best friend being the first to go, everyone decides to skip. You proclaim you seek vengeance. When the meeting comes to an end, Sykkuno is the first to offer his condolences.

“I’m sorry, Y/n.” He says, and while he’s not in Brooklyn, you somehow feel him patting your back. You feign a sniffle.

“There’s nothing to apologize for...” You murmur sadly, “Unless...” Your voice turns sharp as the knife that was surely twisted into Charlie’s back, “It was you?”

“NO!” He exclaims, “I would never-you gotta believe me! I would never kill him. I know he’s important to you. I wouldn’t do that, I swear.”

“He was like a brother to me.” You admit, solemn, “Charlie, if you’re haunting me right now, know I will avenge you. I will not let this go.”

Sykkuno hums, circling around you, “Hey, I have a task in Greenhouse. Would you, uh--Would like to, uhm, join me?” Despite the shaky start, he finishes on a firm, pleasant note. He’s trying to cheer you up. Having lost your closest friend, he’s offering you his company. You accept with a soft smile and a cute “Yes, please!” and he releases an airy little laugh. The two of you make your way to your favorite place in map MIRA.

It’s difficult to stay sad for long when Sykkuno’s so sweet; the atmosphere of the Greenhouse is strangely calming; your problems seem to be left behind the shut doors. If you tried hard enough, you could imagine being in an actual Greenhouse - the warm, damp air clinging to your skin, the unmistakable smell of earth and vegetation, the pleasant silence broken only by yours and his hushed voices and clumsy footsteps.

The two of you are talking. Mainly about your choice of attire. Cat first, Sykkuno ponders aloud, doing his task as you watch the plants grow, now bunny, what’s next? You affirm that you will most likely dress up in cow-print next, or as an adorable sheep. He laughs, admitting you’ll look good in anything before he trails off. His awkwardness is really endearing. 

“Or!” You chirp happily, content with being locked away with him for the whole game. The idea must be playing in his mind, too, because he seems in no rush to leave, “I could, like, dress as someone from My Hero Academia. I watched the stream you did with Stella, the one where she made you look like Todoroki. It was really cute. You were really cute.”

“Oh, uhm-well, uh, thank you, thanks, I, uhm-” He clears his throat, and despite his stutter, you hear the smile in his voice, “I-I think you’d look better, though. Not as Todoroki. Or, probably as Todoroki, too. But, uhm, what character are you thinking about?”

“Maybe Momo?”

“Momo!” He yeps, “Momo is good. Yeah, she’s great. You’ll-uhm-you’ll look amazing. Really. Momo is awesome. Very pretty. Just like you.”

You are blushing. A stupid, toothy grin makes your cheeks hurt. Your eyes flicker to the chat, but again, it’s going wild. Giggling, you thank him for his sweet words, so giddy it’s honestly embarrassing. Why can’t you stop smiling? This is incriminating. You hide your lips behind your palm.

“...What’s this?” Corpse question. You had failed to note his sudden appearance, too busy gushing. “Am I interrupting?”

“Hey, Corpse!” Sykkuno greets. For someone so awkward and shy, he sure is good at hiding it when he wants to. Perhaps it’s all an act and you had been deviously tricked! Probably not, but you can’t help but narrow your eyes suspiciously, finally able to calm down. You definitely underestimated him, you just haven’t figured out how yet, “Not really! Y/n was sad Charlie died so I took her here.”

“You interrupted our date, dipshit.” You deadpan. 

“...Fuck you say?” Corpse dares, his voice low and somewhat menacing - for someone who exclusively portrays his emotions through only his voice, he’s incredibly hard to read. This is payback. Your love for wreaking havoc resurfaces suddenly. Serves him right for pulling all this ignoring shit at the start. Maybe you’ll make him say oh again.

Your sly smirk is promptly wiped. Fuck. He said oh, he literally said oh out loud. The Teruhashi fangirl in you is screaming. You had been so caught up in defending yourself you didn’t even register it at first. Alarmed, you look at the camera, then at the chat. First oh, then my baby. There’s no way he had been teasing you, and this proves it. Holy shit. You mouth the words “HE SAID OH!” for your audience only.

now she notices

snail pace baby we’ve been loosing our shit for the past hour 

corpse x y/n saikik au enemies to lovers 500k words slow burn im here for it

opening wattpad rn^

Your heart races in your chest - it might be considered an Olympic medalist at this point; flustered yet again, you wish you could cave into yourself. You should’ve brought your bright blue wig with you to Brooklyn. Turns out it would have been perfect for this stream. Yes, yes thinking about unnecessary details always works in distracting you from the butterflies throwing a fucking rave in your stomach. 

“I guess it is a date!” Sykkuno admits, “Kinda after a funeral, but still.”

Corpse hums. You’re still too stunned to say anything. The black astronaut with adorable cat ears approaches Sykkuno. 

“It’s not.” He states. Your mouth falls open in shock as your date, your companion, the Shoto to your Momo is murdered in cold blood right in front of you. His lifeless body, cut in half, lays on the tiles by the growing flowers, right beside you, “You didn’t see shit.”

“...I didn’t see shit.” Is all you can utter, breathless and terrified.

“Thaaaat’s fucking right, baby.” Corpse coos, “Now I’m gonna report it, and I’ll say we found Sykkuno together. Better stick close to me after the meeting, got it?”

If Sykkuno is Shoto, then Corpse is definitely Dabi. 

why is that kinda hot tho omg

didn’t know i needed dom corpse since now but i do

y/n looks like shes boutta throw up lmao 

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You follow him around like a lost puppy - because what else is left for you to do!? You’re helpless in this situation. He’s got you in the palm of his hand, successfully eliminating everyone you had previously interacted with. First it was Charlie, then Sykkuno, even Sean, who said hello in passing, was shot instantly. Real Sangwoo behavior. You almost want to scream warnings at everyone to not approach you. You cannot mourn another lost crew mate, you don’t think your conscience can take it. But words fail to form. You’re too weak. You fake cry to your audience. They’re quick to remind you to stop acting like a little bitch.

“Mean.” Is all you say, eyeing the comments.

“Hm?”

“Was talking to the roaches.”

“What are they saying?”

“That I should betray you.”

“...Better not.”

A shiver shoots up your spine and you half believe he will bust down your door and drag you into his basement for real. A nervous laugh slips past your lips, “I won’t, I won’t.” You reassure him, “Don’t worry, I’m sticking with you. I haven’t seen shit.”

“I like that you listen to me. You always this agreeable?”

“You’re kinda not giving me a choice right now.” You grumble, vending yourself a drink while he looms behind you, protecting you. From who?! Himself?!

“Oh my fucking God, finally,” Bretman exclaims, “girl, I’ve been running around the whole map trynna find someone, is everyone like, dead?”

You’re scared to reply. Corpse does it for you, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, maybe? Not sure. Where have you been?”

“Oh you know,” Bretman grins, “doing tasks, talking shit, the usual. You two are not, like, Impostors right?”

You shoot a look at Corpse, but he obviously can’t see it. Biting your lip, you murmur, “Nope.”

“Just your regular crew mates doing regular crew mate things.” Corpse says, no, purrs. Because that’s not suspicious at all. You’d recommend Bretman to run, and not only because that sounded shady as fuck. But he seems to enjoy danger, or he just doesn’t care.

“Hmmmm, crew mates, sure. Miss girl Y/n,” He’s addressing you now; you smile anxiously, “How come every time I see you, you’re with a different man?! Like damn, leave some for the rest of us, for real!”

You like Bretman. You like his high-pitched whine and drawl. You would like him even more if not for the complex situation at hand. You fear for his life. Chewing at your bottom lip, you snicker, “Sorry, Bret. I can leave you Corpse if you want?”

He laughs, “Girl, I’d say yes so fucking quick, but I know he wouldn’t want that. Normally I wouldn’t care, but y’all are such a cute couple it’s making me not want to be a shady motherfucking bitch. Changing my ways, embracing the lord. Love it.”

 Corpse doesn’t correct him that you are, in fact, not dating. His lack of reaction unnerves you slightly. Does he...? No! No think! Only exist! You catch that train of thought and steer it away from forbidden territory. Looks like it’s up to you to clear the air, and that is exactly what you do after trying to swallow down the lump in your throat, “Uh, we’re not together, actually. We’re just really good friends.”

“Bitch, then move over,” Bretman says snappily,”go like, back to your other boyfriends. Or find another one. I think I saw Dream near Navigation.”

“Near Navigation, huh?” Corpse hums thoughtfully. It’s a subtle warning, but you catch it. Yeah, even if you try running, Dream’s going to join your other ‘boyfriends’ in the afterlife. Granted, killing someone by just talking with them is kind of cool. Or maybe Stockholm Syndrome is finally kicking in, “Bret, the thing is, Y/n’s scared of dying, so she asked me to stay with her.”

It’s disturbing how good at lying he is. It is also really really attractive, as bizarre as that is.

y/n stop being in a toxic relationship with corpse challenge

making fanart of this omg her face

its the blushing for me girl get your head outta the gutter!

^she cant, it lives there

“Baby, you’re gonna fucking die if you stick with her,” Bretman points out, “have you noticed the mortality rate of her partners? Rest in peace, daddy.”

“He’s right, you know.” You mutter, dramatically looking to the side, “I’m no good, Corpse.”

“Not leaving you, end of discussion. Bretman, join us?” Corpse offers, catching you by surprise. He might still be lying, though. Creating a false sense of security before eliminating Bretman. Probably would laugh while doing it, too. Wow, he truly is evil.

Turns out he doesn’t have to do any of that, because when Dream strolls into Cafeteria, he kills Bretman instead. The two Impostors are finally revealed. You promised not to snitch on Corpse, but you didn’t say shit about not exposing Dream. You press the REPORT button and say just that: “Dream just murdered Bret right in front of me and Corpse.”

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

The last meeting is called. Dream had been voted out with the help of Corpse, and now only you, he, and Rae remain.

“Baby, you know what to do.”

The VOTED icon pops up beside Corpse’s astronaut. Rae wheezes, “No! Y/n, it’s not me, you gotta believe me, I swear it’s not me!”

“...I really don’t know,” You murmur, “I’ve been with Corpse a lot, and...Rae, I’m not sure...”

“Please! I swear it on my Kagayama cardboard cut out, I’m not the Impostor, please! You know me, I’d never lie to you like this.”

“She’s definitely lying.” Corpse says, sounding pleased.

“Don’t listen to him! Remember, during the first round, when he tried to convince us that you were the Impostor? He’s doing the same shit to me!”

“I also remember you agreeing with him.” You remind her.

“I was stupid! Small dumb brain moment! He was using us to win! He’s using you right now!” She votes, “Please, Y/n, make the right choice.”

You’re silent for a moment.

“I’m gonna...I’m gonna vote for who I think it is.” You lastly say.

A slow, lazy grin makes it’s way onto your lips, eyes gleaming mischievously. You had not forgotten your promise to your brother from another mother, you had not forgotten the pride of the BDA, you had not forgotten your beautiful friendship. Two miniature astronauts pop up by Corpse’s at the exact moment Rae screeches “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!”

“Fuck.” Is all Corpse says with a laugh.

The screen changes, informing of the first CREW MATE victory.

Your ears are assaulted with different voices as you appear in the lobby.

“Now that’s what I’m fucking talking about.” Charlie raves, “I swear to fucking God, Y/n, you even got me going for a second. Pulled some 1000 IQ shit right there. It was fucking amazing. Best back stabbing I’ve seen in a while, and I’ve seen a lot.”

“That was absolutely fantastic, Y/n.” Sean applauds, “I really thought you joined Corpse like some crew mate accomplice or something. Can’t believe you switched on him at the last second.”

“That’s my wifey!” Rae cheers, strolling to you, “Love you, mwah.”

“Hey, Corpse,” Charlie calls him, “How does it feel to be a fucking loser?”

“I’m surprisingly fine with it.”

yeah he would be lmao

mom is the best snake ever i love you sm y/n

rae and y/n’s friendship....the feeeeeels

As the rest sing your praises for another solid minute or two, the third round begins. CREW MATE again. Though, just because you’re stuck as an underpaid worker in a dying spaceship, it doesn’t mean you’re innocent. Your last round proved that quite well. You can’t help but silently snicker.

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

TAGLIST IS CLOSED!

tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @bingusmode - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury--moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

[adorethedistance]

READING MY BOYFRIEND’S FANFICTION?? - Owen Joyner x Influencer!Reader

JATP masterlist

Requested: OMGGG!! Could you do a an Owen fic based around his girlfriend being an armature youtuber/social media influencer (shes also an actress and they met on set and have been dating for a while) and it’s “reading/reacting to my boyfriend’s fanfiction” ? You can do whatever you want with the fanfic part it’s just a concept that has been running around in my head for a while. LOVE ALL YOUR WORK!!

Warnings: swearing, allusions to sex, very mild

Words: 1460

A/N: A fic?? From Ace?? Hi. I’m off spring break officially and so my stress has dissipated immensely. School was becoming so much these last two weeks and I thought I’d be stressed or worried, but I’m actually fine? It’s weird lol so I decided I could be productive with my stress-free moment and post a little fic for y’all. I love this prompt, and before any of you writers panic, I’m using my own fics for the fanfictions because I wouldn’t want to put y’all on the spot like that. Also this is my 3000 post! thought that was cool lol

“Do you wanna do the intro?”

“I think I have to do the intro.”

“Okay, go for it.”

“Alright,” Owen sighs out a heavy breath in exaggerated preparation for my (some would say lengthy) intro. “Hello, hi. Yes, okay, this is Y/n Y/l/n vlogs, welcome or welcome back to my channel!” Once Owen finishes his statement I’m so stunned I can’t generate any sort of response other than a slacked jaw semi smile.

“That was not even close. Do you know my intro?”

“I got the first part right!”

“You’ve lost intro privileges,” I turn back to the mess of lights and tripods in front of me and ignore the disaster of an intro Owen offered. “Oh, hello, hi! I am Y/n and this is: Reading My Boyfriend’s Fanfiction!”

“That’s basically what I did.”

“No, it is not! It’s ‘oh, hello, hi. I am ‘name’ and this is: ‘title of video’.”

“You don’t ‘welcome to my channel’?” Owen’s voice has dropped to a hushed volume as he genuinely inquires about the segments of my usual introduction.

“I do not.”

“Don’t use any of this,” he pleads when making direct eye contact with the camera. “Mister Sid. Editing Sid, please don’t embarrass me.” His pleas fall on deaf ears, knowing that I’ll be using the footage in full.

“Anyways. Butchered intro aside, I am Y/n and today I am here with my lovely “So Many Stars” costar and scene partner, Owen Joyner!”

“I’m also your boyfriend.”

“That too,” I give Owen’s pointed comment a soft place to land, “So, yesterday--it was actually like, two weeks ago, I don’t know why I said yesterday--a little while back, I came across a tweet telling me someone had written a fanfic about us-”

“Did you read it?”

“On Wattpad. Of course, I read it. There are only three chapters up right now and they’re all in the 2-3k range so it was a quick read.”

“2-3k?”

“Words,” I reply nonchalantly as I unlock my phone. I bookmarked a few one-shots beforehand for us to read, and I’m slightly cocky about my selections. Owen then responds with an outburst of shock.

“2-3 thousand words is a short read?” I merely give him a blank stare.

“Judging by that reaction, Owen hasn’t read any fanfics in his life.”

“Is that not long to you- That’s what she said.” Owen cuts me off with his own stupid joke and I briefly sigh before answering.

“No, that isn’t long. Baby, I’m here for that 130k slow burn enemies to lovers on AO3 with the ‘only one bed’ and ‘locked in a closet’ tropes.”

“The what?”

“Oh, we have so much to catch you up on.”

__________________________

“So I saved three fics, an angst, a fluff, and a smut. Which do you want to read?”

“Wait, what does that mean?”

“Oh my- okay. Angst is the sad shit, it’s what you read when you need your heartbroken and a good cry. Smut is pretty much in the name, it’s explicit content that will undoubtedly get this video demonetized, but that’s okay because we do have a sponsor. And fluff is the cute moments, domestic and sometimes mundane romance that makes you smile like an idiot and put the device down to screech into a pillow.” Throughout my whole explanation, I can tell Owen was becoming more and more lost, so I opt to give him a few moments to collect his thoughts.

“Let’s start with the fluff just to ease into things.”

“Smart choice. This fic I have saved is called ‘Baby Fever’ and the summary says ‘you and Owen spend a day at the zoo babysitting Baby Shada, and her presence sparks conversation about adding a new presence of your very own’.”

“That sounds so ominous.”

“Here, I’ll read the narration and reader’s POV, and then you’ll read your own dialogue.” Owen nods and leans over my right shoulder to read off of my computer screen.

“You actually start the fic.”

“‘You ready, little one?’” The instantaneous actor mode Owen slips into has me howling with laughter at which he looks at me confused. My gasping for air makes Owen laugh empathetically despite still being unsure as to what’s killing me at the moment.

“Why are you laughing?!” He yells, dramatically shaking my shoulder.

“Just the way you jumped into that, I wasn’t prepared for you to turn on the acting charm. Okay, uhhhh, ‘I bite back a laugh when I hear Owen’s voice coo from the back seat’.”

The two of us go back and forth between reading the narrative, bouts of laughter, commentary on the accuracy of Owen’s character, and we finally manage to finish the 2.5k fic in about forty minutes.

“‘When he looks up from CJ’s tiny body and recognizes the familiar ‘baby fever’ look in my eyes, he smiles and utters a simple-’.”

“‘I told you so.’”

“That was cute! I like the tie-in of having us watching over Baby Shada- or, sorry, you and ‘y/n’ watching over Baby Shada.”

“They wrote me kinda funny, I don’t think I’d ever fabricate a life to make conversation with a stranger due to baby fever.” My jaw drops slightly and before Owen can respond to my reaction, I cry,

“That is such a lie!”

“What?”

“You absolutely would do something like that, are you kidding me?!”

“No, I would not!” Owen punctuates every word with the utmost offense. He has the same look in his eye as when he was proving himself to be the cleanest phantom of the three on the Sunset Drive podcast.

“You literally told the guy at Home Depot yesterday that we were buying plants for our child’s nursery!”

“Okay, that’s different-”

“How is that different? That’s the exact same thing as fanfic you!” Owen’s furrowed brow and dropped jaw are a sight to be seen as he leans away from me, bending at the waist to stare at me with defiance. I raise my eyebrows pointedly as I await a response. Instead of actually producing a response, Owen lunges forward, grabbing my waist in his hands and squeezing gently. The feeling makes me screech and gasp of laughter from surprise and also being ticklish.

“Owen! Owe-STOP, I’m gonna drop my laptop!” I manage to say through my laughter and with one final grab, he releases me from his hold. It takes a minute for my laughter to settle but once I do, the two of us are simply breathing heavy and staring at one another with giddy smiles on our faces. In a moment’s clarity, I turn to look into the camera lens to talk directly to my editor,

“Sid, don’t use any of this. And please don’t cut to this after we finish reading to make it look like- things were happening.”

“Actually, I think you should, Sid. Just cut to right there and make the world think we-”

“OKAY, thanks for watching, bye!” I quickly stop the recording before Owen says something we’re unable to recover from. I hear him laugh gently behind me as I set my laptop down on the coffee table behind the tripod. Coming back to the couch, I move to plop down but before landing successfully on the cushion next to my phone, Owen grabs my body and moves me to sit on top of him.

“You are crazy, you know that?”

“Hmm. Crazy for you, maybe.” His cheesy line makes me scoff but smile nonetheless. I reach my right hand up to caress the side of his face as we sit cheek to cheek.

“Remind me to never film with you again.” The gesture is sweet and the sentiment is not which makes Owen laugh and he presses a soft kiss to my cheek. I lean back into him so my back is pressed flush with his chest as he lazily wraps both arms around me.

“You say that now but you’ll regret it when you wanna do a ‘boyfriend does my makeup’ challenge video.”

“Nah. I’ll just call Charlie to-” Without allowing me to finish my sentence, Owen is digging his fingertips back into the tissue of my sides and I squeal with laughter once more. This time the torment is short-lived and Owen releases me after a sweet, reconciling kiss. “Do you have baby fever now?”

“It was cute and all, but not really, no.”

“That’s too bad,” I stand up from my spot on his lap to grab my computer and hold it to my chest, “I was gonna say we could practice some baby-making.”

And with that, I turned on the balls of my feet, heading for my bedroom when I heard Owen stand up eagerly, quick to follow.

***

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[mrswhozeewhatsis]

Soft

A/N: This is for both the @spnfanficpond's S14 Weekly Episode Challenge, week 20, and also this month's Alpha Reader Program with @deanwinchesterswitch! Kym is a great Alpha reader, putting up with so much babbling of ideas with me!!

Summary: Chuck is depowered, Jack de-poofed Eileen and Y/N, and they all rescued Cas from the Empty. (The finale never happened fight me.) Now, with no more Big Bads on the horizon, Dean needs to figure out what his happily ever after looks like. Once he does, then he needs to go get it.

Pairing: Destiel x reader

Warnings: Pining. Idjits in love. Canon-divergent after 15x19. Fluff.

Word count: 4311 words

Prompt: "I'll stop talking." "Probably a good idea."

Dean watches her throw her arms around Cas’s waist and really snuggle into his embrace. It’s done. Chuck is depowered, Jack is in charge, Y/N is back, and now Cas is back. Everything is as it should be. Dean pats Cas on the shoulder, meeting his gaze with a smile he can feel is strained, locks eyes for a second with Y/N, and heads towards his room via the drink trolley. A little time resting in the only soft thing he’s ever been allowed to keep is definitely in order.

Sitting on his bed, back propped against the headboard and whiskey bottle in hand, he forces himself to consider everything he’s been trying not to think about for far too long. Cas will want to talk at some point, and Dean knows he can’t get it wrong. Well, no, he actually could get it all very disastrously wrong, but this time, he doesn’t want to.

And he has so very much to think about if he wants any chance to get this right. First, he needs to decide what “right” looks like.

If you’d asked him a few years ago what a good life looked like, he would have denied Cas’s place in it. There were just so many reasons why Cas couldn’t be a part of any picture he’d have painted back then. That was before, though. Before Cas told him, unequivocally, that he loved Dean in a way he thought he couldn’t have.

Maybe a year ago, if Cas had said those same words, Dean would have jumped into his arms and kissed the hell out of him. At that point, he’d finally admitted to himself that Cas was more to him. That Cas meant more than Dean’s fear of someone thinking he liked dick. Cas meant more than his hang-ups about how sex worked with a dude. Cas was more than a guy, and not simply because he wasn’t human. Angel or not, Cas was Dean’s person.

That was before, though. Before Mary died. Before Chuck had his little hissy fit. Before Dean acted like an ass… again. Before Y/N.

Now, Dean sits on his bed, not drinking the whiskey in his hand because he knows it won’t help. He needs to think clearly. He needs to decide how he feels. He’s loved Cas for years. But he’s beginning to think that maybe he loves her, too.

She appeared with the army of hunters that had arrived when Chuck opened Hell. She was relatively new to hunting, so when her partner died early on, she needed an experienced partner. With Dean barely speaking to him, Cas needed something to focus on, and he took her under his wing, so to speak. Which meant Dean barely spoke to her, either, outside of barking orders.

He was just so angry at the time, and it spilled onto her. Dean didn’t want Cas around him, but then he didn’t want Cas focusing on her, either. Or giving her that squinty head tilt. Hugging her while she grieved her partner. Talking to her about lore and weapons and sigils.

With Jack and Rowena dead, Y/N filled the fourth seat in the Impala just a little too quickly for Dean’s liking. And it had nothing to do with how fondly Cas looked at her when she fell asleep on his shoulder. Yeah, he understood that she needed training and experience, but there were a million other hunters fighting ghosts and zombies with them that she could have joined.

Dean was so mad, Cas left. And she went with him. And no, Dean did not spend several sleepless nights wondering about the sexual orientation of angels.

She and Cas were hunting partners for a while, but then Cas went to Heaven, so she moved into the bunker and never left. Dean tried not to dump his shit on her, knowing that it was his shit and not hers and he was being a dick, but she was everywhere—cooking in the kitchen, beating up the heavy bag in the gym, shooting curse words into the paper targets in the range. Dean didn’t want to laugh when she slapped one on his chest that read “DICK” as she walked out the door. He also didn’t want to deck Fancypants Dean from the other world when he asked her to go with them to Rio and then kissed her, dipped her like a 50’s heroine and everything, right in front of him!

And he definitely didn’t want to miss her when she left again with Cas. They were gone, again. Alone. Soon, he realized that he missed the smell of her cooking. He stared at the taped-over hole she left in the heavy bag when she tried attacking it while wearing heels. He tried to forget how lethal she was in the gun range. He failed to stop wondering how many beds were in the motel room they were sharing each night.

He got better about not being a dick to her when they returned. He even shared his pie. The first time she gave him one of her hundred-watt smiles, he nearly melted. She offered to help wash Baby, and he accepted. Not being a dick got easier as they became friends.

Then Chuck killed her. Just poofed her into nothing. A finger snap and Dean felt like he was back on the rack, a knife slicing into his heart. Why? Watching Cas mourn her was almost as hard as admitting that he felt the same way. He shouldn’t feel this way. They were friends. But the pain and grief in Cas’s eyes were mirrored in his chest. Not that he could say that to anyone. She was Cas’s… something.

Yet, before the Shadow swallowed him and Billie whole, Cas still said that his moment of complete happiness was loving Dean.

After Cas was gone, Dean sat on the floor in the dungeon and wondered at the complete lack of black goo anywhere. It had seemed to be everywhere but had left no trace. His mind bounced against the image of Cas getting swallowed whole and ricocheted into the image of Y/N poofing into thin air. Sam’s face when he picked up Eileen’s car keys, phone, and wallet. Jack’s face burning brightly when Chuck killed him in the graveyard. Mom’s face when he wrapped a shroud around the body that wasn’t hers. Charlie’s face as she lay in that awful motel bathtub. Bobby’s face as he called them idjits one last time. Dad’s face when the doctors tried to revive him, but he was already long gone.

Dean went on autopilot. He got up from the floor, drove to Sam and Jack, and then, he … did what needed to be done. On the drive away from Chuck’s defeat, Dean tried to imagine the life ahead of him without Chuck’s influence. Just him and Sam and Jack. He pictured them in the bunker, all in black and white like the old photos of the Men of Letters in the archives. Nothing big to fight, only little hunts. Maybe there would be the occasional trip to Hell to visit Rowena. Maybe Rowena could use a hand down there? Hell sounded nice, this time of year. You know, when everyone else is dead….

Dean didn’t let himself complete that thought. He still had Sam.

Then Jack brought back Y/N and Eileen. Color returned to Dean’s world. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than Heaven or Hell. With Y/N in his arms, all he could think about was Cas. Dean needed Cas back, even if it meant watching them ride off into the sunset together. When Jack said he couldn’t get Cas as easily as he’d gotten Y/N and Eileen, she ended up crying in Dean’s arms, letting him comfort her. She comforted him. They comforted each other.

Before the big rescue, Dean decided that if Cas and Y/N chose to go off and live a happy life together, he’d wish them well, even if it meant drowning himself in whiskey.

But now they’re both here. When their departure was hypothetical, it was easy to convince himself that he could be supportive. Now that he was up against the reality of it, he could barely breathe. Yes, the two of them alive and happy together without him is better than the two of them dead, but….

Dean puts down the whiskey and grabs an open bottle of what is probably very stale water off his desk. He drinks it down and then stares at the whiskey bottle. He tries to breathe through the pain in his chest caused by the prospect of visiting Cas and Y/N in their little country cottage with the white picket fence and beehives in the backyard. Oh, how he wants to drink something stronger than water and make this pain stop.

No. He needs to say this to himself completely sober.

“I want them,” he announces to the room, quietly enough that no one outside could hear, but the words still echo in his ears. “No, I don’t just want them. I want a bacon double cheeseburger with extra onions and a slice of apple pie with a scoop of ice cream on top. I need them. I need Cas, and I need her, and I need to stop acting like I don’t.”

Picturing the little country cottage once more, he shakes his head. “I have to try. Cas said he loved me. Y/N at least doesn’t think I’m a dick. I can’t do nothing, anymore. I have to try. I have to tell them both and at least ask them to give me a chance.”

Dean pulls at his hair and sighs. “But that’s not how the world works. I can’t have them both. I need to decide who to talk to first. I need to choose.”

The angel that literally saved him from Hell but wears a vessel Dean doesn’t know how to handle, or the woman who would be the complete package if he weren’t already in love with Cas.

“How do I choose?”

And that’s all assuming that either of them even (still) wants him. Cas may have changed his mind after Dean stood there stupidly and said freaking nothing while the Empty swallowed him whole. And she’s never really indicated that she wanted anyone but Cas. And Cas has always seemed perfectly happy to indulge her attentions. Hell, maybe they will go off together to that cottage in the country and leave him alone. After the way he’s acted, it’s the least he deserves.

“If I even have a choice, I can’t choose.”

Pacing the room, he kneads the problem in his mind like a baker would knead dough. After only a couple of minutes, he tires of rolling around a thousand “what ifs” in his head and stops in front of his bedroom door, hand almost grabbing the knob to turn it.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” he asks himself, trying to give himself the courage to move. “They both say they don’t want me, they only want each other, and I’m left alone, like I’ve always been. Nothing changes for me.”

Swallowing down the blast of grief that idea causes, he takes a deep breath and watches from outside of his body as he turns the doorknob and walks down the hallway.

He hears her voice coming from her room long before he reaches it, but he’s almost in the doorway before he can make out the words she’s saying. She’s chattering in that way she does when she’s excited or nervous about something, and his heart clenches as he wonders what’s got her so jittery.

“It’s just that there’s so much to consider and so many possibilities and I’ve been waiting until now to think about it and oh god now I’m rambling and we really need to come up with a better phrase for that now that Chuck’s not in power andfuckinghellIthinkI’llstoptalking.”

Dean watches her put a hand over her mouth to stop the flow of words and can’t stop his smile. She’s adorable.

Cas sees Dean in the doorway, gives her a gentle smile, and says, “That’s probably a good idea.” He nods his head towards Dean, and she turns to look at him. They’re both sitting on the side of the bed, one of her hands is encased in both of his, and Dean feels his heart wrench at what that might mean.

He tries to read their expressions, get a feel for what’s happening in the room, but his own feelings are overwhelming him. They’re both right here, staring at him, while he’s staring at them, and no one is saying anything!

“Uh,” he starts —oh, you’re doing great there, Dean, so eloquent— before clearing his throat and taking a steadying breath, “I don’t want to interrupt you guys?”

Cas smiles, but Y/N gulps and shakes her head.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says in that way that always makes Dean feel warm inside. “It’s okay. What do you need?”

Dean tries again to read their expressions, but all he can feel is tension. Is it coming from him? “I, uh, need you,” he says to both of them, bouncing his gaze back and forth between them.

Cas stands up, letting go of Y/N’s hands, and pats her on the shoulder. “I’ll let you guys have some time alone. We can finish this later, right?”

Y/N nods, but Dean stops Cas from leaving the room with a hand on his arm. “No, Cas, I mean both of you.” Wishing that he could simply snap his fingers and have both of them automatically understand, he stares into Cas’s eyes like he’s done so many times before, trying to will his jumble of thoughts into the angel’s head.

Cas must only get static, though, because he smiles his same old fond smile, puts his hand on Dean’s left shoulder like he always does, and replies, “Of course, Dean. I’m always here when you need me. How can I help?”

Dean groans, wiping down his face with his hand while his shoulders droop. “Fuck, this is hard,” he mutters, then leads Cas back to where he’d been sitting on the bed, drags over the desk chair, and sits facing them both. “Look, I don’t do chick flick stuff, and you guys both know that, so bear with me, okay?”

Cas and Y/N both nod, and Dean wishes he had the whiskey bottle with him. Maybe a little in vino veritas would help him get through this. Staring at the two of them, he doesn’t even know where to start. He looks back and forth at each of them again, noting that they’re holding hands once more, and focuses on that.

“Look, guys, I know you two are,” he waves a hand around trying to indicate what he means, “together? Involved? Whatever you want to call it since we’re not in high school and we’ve all worked to derail an apocalypse or two. And I don’t want to mess with that. Well, not exactly. Wait, that’s not what I meant.” He takes a steadying breath and mutters, “Fuck, this is hard,” yet again.

He looks up and finally notices that both Cas and Y/N are now considerably less relaxed than they were a minute ago. Both sit stiff-backed, trying to look at anything but each other, and their hands are no longer linked.

“Wait, you guys are together, right?” Dean asks, suddenly questioning every moment he’s ever seen between them.

Y/N clears her throat and replies, “Well, that’s kind of what I was trying to talk to Cas about when you came in.” Her eyes bounce between Cas and Dean nervously and she shifts her position on the bed a little so she’s facing towards Cas a little more. “Cas, part of what I was trying to say is that I have, you know, feelings for you, that are, well, more than friendship.” Her words rush faster and faster until she gets to the end. “I held it in for so long, and then I was dead, and you were dead, and it was all awful, but now we’re back, and we’re here, and I can’t keep pretending I don’t feel what I feel.” She ends with a small gasp of much-needed air and then stares fearfully at the angel while she carefully exhales.

Cas tilts his head and squints, and Y/N slowly deflates a little bit more with every moment Cas takes to reply. Dean had no idea what he was walking into but somehow feels a little better knowing he’s not the only one feeling the need to put things on the table. The only concern now is that he might be watching the two people he wants so very much get together right in front of him, without him. Well, I’ll always have Sammy and visits to Rowena in Hell, he thinks.

“Cas? Please say something,” Y/N pleads, the panic becoming clear to Dean as her breathing quickens and her hands fumble in her lap.

“I thought you were in love with Dean?” Cas blurts out, leaving all three of them exchanging looks between them.

Dean sits up straighter and glances between Cas and Y/N, but focuses more on Y/N. “Really?” He can’t stop the word from leaving his mouth. He’s too excited by the possibility. Doing the math in his head, his heart starts to race happily. Half a chance Cas really loves him like he said, half a chance Y/N loves him like Cas said, that equals a whole chance he might actually get at least half of what he wants.

Completely ignorant to the social graces surrounding admitting other people’s feelings for other people to those other people, Cas just keeps going, turning to Dean. “Yes. I’ve noticed her engaging in some of the social actions that usually indicate romantic affection towards you. I assumed that meant she had feelings for you.”

Dean looks at Cas, then throws his hands up in the air. “Well, I’ve been watching the two of you cuddle up together all the time like two peas in a damn pod, so I knew she had feelings for you! And you’ve been cuddling right back, so I figured that meant the two of you were a thing, no matter what you said!”

Face glowing a bright red, Y/N interrupted the staring contest between the two men. “Well, I’ve been watching all the eye-fucking between you two since day one, so I thought you two were a thing! I mean, seriously, you two need to kiss or fuck or something so the rest of us can breathe clear air, again!”

Both Dean and Cas turn to stare at Y/N.

“What? You two had no problem talking about my feelings! Turnabout’s fair play!”

Cas takes hold of Y/N’s hand to ground her and says, “So, you have romantic feelings for both of us, then?”

Fear washes over her face as she nods, nervously glancing between the two of them.

Cas smiles. “And I have romantic feelings for both of you,” he states. The two of them smile at each other for a moment and then turn to Dean in unison. Their hands are clutched together, knuckles white with tension.

With two pairs of striking eyes staring at him, Dean squirms.

“Dean, we would very much appreciate you telling us what you’re thinking and feeling, right now,” Cas said, using his calmest and most caring voice. “I believe the phrase is, ‘this is a safe space.’”

Dean takes a steadying breath, looks at each of them individually, and decides there’s no use running now. He’s here. He knows there will be a soft landing when he jumps. He’s jumped into worse with less and come out winning. He can do this.

Dean takes Y/N’s free hand in one of his and squeezes it while he decides what words to use. She relaxes, her shoulders dropping, but Dean notices Cas stiffen out of the corner of his eye. Dean stiffens right along with him, bringing his eyes up just in time to see the flash of disappointment in Cas’s eyes before it disappears.

Fuck, he’s screwing this all up, already.

Words are still foreign things he can’t seem to grasp, so he decides to act instead. Still holding Y/N’s hand, he reaches with his other hand to grasp Cas’s neck and pull him in.

The kiss is awkward as hell. Cas’s eyes are wide open when Dean closes his, and then teeth clash, and Cas stays frozen while Dean tries to gently kiss some life into him. Right before Dean is about to pull away and question all his life choices, Cas melts. Cas’s hand is suddenly in Dean’s hair, pulling Dean closer as the kiss turns into the warmest, loveliest kiss Dean’s ever experienced. Cas’s lips are as soft as Dean ever imagined, the little bit of rough stubble a new but not awful feeling, and Dean’s pretty sure he could do this for hours and never come up for air. Maybe it would kill him, but he’d be okay dying this way.

Eventually, the kiss turns to little nibbles, and then they simply sit there for a moment, foreheads together and eyes closed, feeling the warmth of each other.

“I didn’t think you could feel what I feel,” Dean whispered. “And then you said you could, and you did, and then you were gone, and it was too late.” He shifts only enough to press his lips to Cas’s again one more time. “You can have everything you want, angel,” he says, pulling back enough to look Cas in the eyes.

Cas’s smile is as wide and happy as Dean’s ever seen it. They stare at each other for another one of those long moments where Dean swears Cas must be able to freeze time. Cas’s eyes shift away from Dean, and he’s reminded that he’s staring at only half of his happiness.

The other half is still holding his hand, watching him and Cas with wide eyes and a shy smile. With nothing left to lose, Dean leans in and feels the rest of his world click into place as his lips settle perfectly on hers. The kiss with her is different, and yet also the same in how right it feels. She opens her mouth a little, and their tongues slide together like they’ve done this a hundred times before. When they finally break apart, he doesn’t know what to say, so he just lets his smile loose. She smiles back, and he knows she understands.

Everything in him wants to keep going back and forth, kissing them both, but there’s always that little voice inside his head —which sounds a bit like Chuck, these days— that tells him that this isn’t real. It makes him slow down a bit, lean back in his chair, and enjoy looking at the two people in front of him. He watches the two of them kiss and is surprised when his gut doesn’t churn with jealousy this time.

Each time he had imagined what they did behind closed doors, he was miserable. Yet, here he is, watching them kiss, feeling happy. The part of him that was jealous and hurt now knows that they both want him, too. He’s not on the outside looking in, anymore.

The little voice that sounds like Chuck gets a little louder. ‘What is this, a three-way roll in the hay like with the Doublemint twins back before Hell, or those triplets with Lee? Yeah, this isn’t how real life works, pal.’

Cas and Y/N finally pull away from each other but continue to stare into each other’s eyes for a long moment. Now, Dean knows how other people have felt while he’s stared at Cas in the past. Part of him wants to laugh at that, but that evil little voice has convinced him that this is temporary. They’re all holding hands, now, like some kind of hippie prayer circle or Zen meditation thing, grinning like idiots at each other, and it can’t last.

Dean’s smile falters, and he looks down at their hands, trying to memorize this moment before it all comes crashing down. Before he has to choose. Before they have to choose. Before he loses everything.

Cas lets go of his hand and uses it to lift Dean’s chin so he sees Cas’s face again. “You can have this, Dean. We can have this, exactly like this. We don’t have to choose. It won’t be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is, right?” Cas’s hand drops down and grasps his hand, again. “Polyamory is not unheard of and is accepted in many cultures.”

Dean looks back and forth between Cas and Y/N, gauging their feelings about this from their expressions.

Y/N giggles and shrugs when Dean looks at her, questions in his eyes. “I’m game to try if you are. I’m guessing it’s going to involve a lot of honesty and talking, but I could never choose between you.”

Dean’s shoulders relax and he takes what feels like the first deep breath of his life. He’s fallen, hard and fast, expecting the pain of a crash landing, but found a safety net instead. It’s thrilling, it’s scary, and his heart wants to burst out of his chest, but it’s all good.

Squeezing both of their hands, he grins. “Let’s do this, then.”

Later, when he and Y/N are curled into Cas in bed, who’s reading a book because he doesn’t sleep, Dean squeezes her hand on the broad chest between them and smiles when she squeezes back. When he’s asleep and dreaming about hunts and fights and beating the Devil, for the first time, when he falls, he lands softly.

[lampmeeting]

D for Charles/Magnus, I for Magnus/Toki, L for Charles/Pickles, and F for Melm/JT.

eeehEHEHEHE DILF *rubs my little hands together* don't mind if i do~

D for Drunken Love Confession - Charles/Magnus

pre-klok. :') magnus has been chipping away at charles' resolve. there's just something about the bookish, put-together little chuck offdensen that makes magnus wanna break through all his defenses and see him come undone. he always did like a challenge. they have heated, passionate debates about the direction of the band. they get in each other's faces. magnus even kissed him once, but charles pushed him away, furious and blushing, and demanded he leave his office.

after six months of this weirdly charged back-and-forth they have, the band invites charles to come drinking with them to celebrate pickles' birthday. charles declines, concerned they're just inviting him to come because they want someone else to play designated driver. but magnus intervenes like "nah i'm driving tonight, promise. so go nuts." and charles seems to think it over... and eventually agrees.

so they all go out! at first charles seems to be pacing himself, but pickles gets shots, and it's all downhill from there. magnus, staying dutifully sober, watches the rest of the band + charles get sloppy and silly, not minding in the slightest the way charles leans against him a little in the booth and touches him when he laughs. he starts to regret not getting drunk himself, but he'd promised charles. it's enough just to see charles' mask slip, albeit not quite in the way magnus wanted. but he'll take it for now.

at the end of the night, magnus drops the band off at the apartment and then continues on to charles' place. he pulls up, and charles tries to get out of the car, but stumbles and falls. he's a lot more fucked up than magnus suspected. magnus helps him to the door, but charles seriously looks like he's about to black out, so he takes him inside, cleans him up a little, and puts him to bed (on his side, in the recovery position, he knows the drill). before he leaves, he can't help himself... he runs fingers through charles' sweaty hair and strokes his jaw. charles opens his eyes, seeming surprised that magnus is still there, and then... he smiles at him. a genuine smile. and as his eyes close again, he whispers something that freezes magnus in place.

"...mmfm...mmlove you..."

"...what?"

but charles is under again, and magnus leaves in a panic. charles doesn't, can't, have feeling for him. that's too much. magnus just wanted some fun, right? maybe get charles worked up enough for an angry fuck. but...love?

magnus can't sleep. the next time magnus sees charles, charles pulls him aside. "i apologize that you had to babysit me like that the other night. i can't exactly recall everything that happened, so if i said or did anything, ah...embarrassing, i'm very sorry."

so charles doesn't remember what he said. or he does and he's just trying to save face. magnus should be relieved about this, but for some reason his heart feels suddenly sore...

"oh, yeah, no...you were out like a light. don't worry about it."

--

I for "Idiots in Love" - Toki/Magnus

post-post-galaktikon. weirdly enough i'd probably write this from like nathan's pov or something. he's having everyone over to the house for some reason, maybe a holiday or his daughter's first birthday or something (her cool uncles wouldn't dream of missing it). this means..... rrugghhgh magnus is coming over. it's the first time he's interacted with magnus since pickles and charles' wedding, so maybe a good couple years, and he's not looking forward to it.

everyone arrives. toki and magnus are the last to show up, and nathan has to do a double-take because this is SO not magnus. half his hair is back in a ponytail, he's let his beard grow in some, and he's wearing a sweater?? and he's smiling? he genuinely seems happy to see nathan, gives him a hug, says a warm hello to abby.

over the course of the afternoon nathan has to keep looking at him and reminding himself that's magnus fucking hammersmith because he's just so... animated? friendly? he's sitting next to toki and they're holding hands, and when others are talking the two of them are making eyes at each other and cuddling and laughing at little things they seem to be sharing between themselves. they're being a couple of absolute goofballs together, and honestly it's a bit sickening to watch. is magnus just faking this?

at some point nathan excuses himself to the kitchen for something, and while he's in there he's joined by magnus, considerably more subdued.

"sorry, man, i just...i thought maybe we could talk for a sec."

so they talk. they catch up a little. nathan learns magnus has been hitting the therapy especially hard over the past year, making some meaningful strides. it's not an act, he's genuinely happier now. or at least trying to be.

"i mean, you know how it is, nate, right? doesn't abby make you wanna be better just because she exists and she loves you?"

okay, nathan can understand that. he still doesn't understand... them. but it really seems like magnus has turned a corner, which... good for him, he supposes. as long as he's treating toki well.

when they return to the party, nathan watches magnus sit back down with toki and give him a kiss like he'd been gone all month, and they giggle to themselves again. this time, it seems...all right.

--

L for "Love at First Sight" - Charles/Pickles

i'm gonna flip the script here!! i've already done the whole "charles sees pickles on stage and goes gaga for him" twice now... so i'd pull away from the 80s and do a fic where they actually did meet for the first time in the mid-90s when pickles was in dethklok.

so they've got their shitty original manager (the one from doomstar) still, and he's just not pulling his weight. he's managing a few other bands and his heart isn't in dethklok the way it used to be. pickles is worried they're stagnating, and when he learns that it's been magnus lately making sure they get booked, that's the last straw. they all come together, and they tell the dude to fuck off. but then this leaves them without a manager. magnus offers, but pickles has already been wary about how possessive magnus seems about the band recently, so when pickles says no the rest of them vote the same.

pickles blows through his old contacts looking to dig up some manager from his past who can either wants to manage dethklok or has connections to someone else. no dice. skwisgaar comes up with no one. magnus is still trying to campaign for himself. shit gets dire when somehow seth finds out dethklok is lacking management and leaves pickles a voicemail offering his "valuable fuckin' services". pickles blows his fucking top, swearing and screaming. "HOW HARD IS IT TO FIND ONE GUY CAPABLE OF MANAGING A FUCKIN' BAND??"

the doorbell rings, and pickles, still raging, throws it open.

"WHAT??"

"ahh!"

it's just... a dude. like a normal-ass dude. glasses. a nice dress shirt and slacks. nice hair. handsome. he's nervous as shit, but that almost makes him more handsome.

"i, ah...i-i was told that van on the street belongs to, ah...to someone here? i clipped the, ah, the bumper. just a little. but it's noticeable."

anger forgotten, pickles just... stares at him. are his eyes green or brown? and that jawline...

the man shifts his weight just a bit, peeking into the apartment with wide, curious eyes. "sorry, that, ah... that's quite the drum kit."

"huh?" pickles looks back at it and steps inside, and the man follows as if he's simply meant to be there. "oh, yeah, thanks. you play?"

"hardly. a small jazz kit in college for a friend's music project but it, ah, obviously didn't go anywhere." the man glances around and seems to realize that he's just waltzed inside. "right, ah, so about the van--" he pulls out his card. charles f. offdensen of finch & associates. an honest-to-god lawyer. huh. so he's a smart guy. good-looking to boot. knows a bit about music, apparently. and he's looking to make things right about hitting the van...

pickles smiles, hearts in his eyes. "ya like metal, charlie?"

--

F for "Fake Dating" - Melmord/Twinkletits

aaahahah... okay. so, this would be when melm is living with john as part of his continued therapy. a few months pass, and they've actually become good friends, melm thinks, not just therapist and patient. it's nice living there with john.

and then, john gets a call from his ex-wife, joy. she's in town, and she wants to come over for dinner one night before she leaves. the only thing is, she's got her new fiance in tow. she and john ended on pretty mutual terms, so there's really no bitterness there, but even so, john knows it's going to be an unpleasant evening. and then there's the question of what to do about melmord.

"you can just stuff me in a back room and pretend i don't exist. i'll be real quiet."

"absolutely not, you've been watching too many sitcoms."

"excuse you, that's jane eyre."

john just doesn't exactly know how to approach explaining melmord's presence in the house. because he knows joy, and joy will ask.

"tell her i'm a friend who needed a place to crash?"

"joy knows i don't do friends anymore."

ouch go melm's feelings.

"well, uh... you could just tell her the truth? that i'm your patient and i live with you?"

john pulls a face. "absolutely not."

in a flash of sitcom inspiration, melm snaps his fingers. "i got it! i'm your boyfriend! we'll pretend to date!"

"pretend to--?? mel, honey, no. okay? i understand you're trying to help, but--"

"but what? what's your brilliant idea, doc?"

cut to john introducing melmord to his ex-wife.

"and this is my... well, he's uh, my boyfriend actually. my boyfriend melmord."

melm is all smiles as he leans in and takes joy's hand. "please, just call me mel."

and then of course at the end of a long night, joy and her fiance leave, and john and melm pat each other on the back for a job well done. they really gave it their all, put on a convincing performance full of long embraces and doting glances and romantic touches. neither of them really want to talk about how easily it came to them, and how unwilling they both are to bring it to an end.

"well, uhh... good night, then." john chuckles. "darling."

"yeah, haha, sleep good, uh... sugarbear."

they laugh. they're standing in the hall laughing. they should really move apart from each other and go to their respective rooms if they're going to sleep, but they're not moving. and they're still laughing. and now melmord is touching john's shirt, fingering a button, and john has a hand on melm's hip...

"maybe," melm says quietly, "we can just pretend for, like... a little longer?"

[lachambers-central]

I’m rewatching Stand by Me, adding as I go along.

- The opening scene. That’s someone mourning their dead lover sir

- the soundtrack SLAPS

- Teddy is French 🤧🤧🤧

- Teddy’s forgotten burnt ear ❤️

- I RAAAN ALL THE WAAAY HOOOMEEE dubabpubabuuuu

- me watching the penny scene like I’ve never seen it before

- Charlie was such a twink 🤧

- watching it with subs realising what they’re actually saying

- “TOO COOL. TOO COOL. VERY COOL”

- Gordie’s dad raking 😤

- the voice changes between scenes because puberty 🤧

- Eyeball looking at Ace harassing Chris like: 😍😛💦🥰

- Gordie and Chris kicking each other: a love story

- “or a garbage can”

- did your mother ever have any kids who lived?” “What do you mean?”

- “if Choppers there we’ll send you in”

- my mans Teddy really saw that train and went, yeah, dodging it after a kid recently died from being hit by a train is the way to go.

- Eyeball and Ace really were boyfriends, huh?

- Eyeball was so unhinged btw

- 👌🏻💦

- Teddy at the pump going AT IT

- goocher

- the boys just wrestling and poring water over each other. Calm down.

- “I lost a brother in Korea” yes, please tell me more

- they’re eating meat, mashed potatoes and then there’s bread pieces because k

- Gordie’s shirt 🤧🤧🤧

- “what do you do?”

“I don’t know” SAME

- “white chick hehehehhe”

- Chris’ hand on Teddy’s shoulder 🤧

- “we showed him” calm down Vern, y’all didn’t do shit

- Gordie eating bleach is MOOD

- I’m gonna say it, Vern has a good voice tho

- “we’re going to see a dead kid. Maybe it shouldn’t be a party”

- the cobra tattoos are ugly as fuck

“Not where they’re looking” CALM DOWN CHARLIE

- “you’re making me fuck up the snake part!”

- Teddy and Vern Dancing to lollipop: a video essay

- “everybody’s weird”

- Chris and Gorde: serious convo

Teddy and Vern: Superman v Mightymouse: an essay

- we stan supportive boyfriends 🥺🥺 Chris really said “I believe in your dreams bitch” ✨

- Gordie really insinuating Teddy would start jerking off in the middle of the woods. Ok boy

- rip comb (1959-1959) 😢 (🎼in the arms of the angel🎤)

- “we’re gonna die damnit” Vern really was ready to die on that hill

- I can’t watch the train scene without thinking about how Rob Reiner screamed at Wil and Jerry because they weren’t scared enough. Can’t watch most of the film without thinking about bts facts

- “hey, at least now we know when the next train is due” prick

- “VEEEEERN”

- Vern’s eyebrows: non existent

- “like Charlie Hogans brother... if he had one.” Big brain time

- “she looks like a thanksgiving turkey” how ???

- the radio guy could compete against Eminem istg

- there’s a girl in the lardass audience scene that I always had a lil crush on when I was younger 🤧🤧

- the principles nervous laugh after the twins comment, I can’t

- the kid who played Lardass was a hero, king just swallowed that egg raw

- they’re all puking blue because logic

- the mayors wife just awkwardly ready to hug

- “no Vern, they just let him in”

- “he’s a dog” teddy knows, ironically the only one with a brain cell in this debate. What a world we live in.

- the filter on the dream of the funeral is blinding and ugly

- someone’s wearing grey, the disrespect 🤧 (I’m jk)

- it’s the way I’d die for Chris and Gordie for me

- Gordie put on shoes challenge

- “even Vern knew I think” is my boy THAT oblivious?

- Chris crying 💔💔💔💔

- “I just wish that I could go someplace where nobody knows me”

- I am once again learning of lines where I never knew what they were saying, and finally hearing it with the subs on

- Gordie and the Deer. ITS LIKE YOURE MY MIRROR

- what are they even eating ???

- gordie calling seeing brower an obsesssion. CALM URSELF YAXLEY

- Vern falling tho. I need to know if that was on purpose, because it probs wasn’t

- my dad asked me if I was watching Lost Boys, sighed when I said it was stand by me (the way I disappoint my family)

- “we use you as a raft” scream

- “it’s not that deep” 🤡🤡🤡

- “pile on” I am once again asking y’all to calm the fuck down down

- Gordie went DOWN

- “maybe he’s dead” Verno you 🤡🤡🤡

- GO VERN !!! HIT HIMMM

- sass master LachanceTM

- VINCE LOOK AT THE FUCKING ROAD

- “I got him” 🤡🤡🤡

- Billy’s scared face had me dead

- “I won” *sip*

- what the actual fuck is Eyeball’s laugh?

- that actor is not a 12 year old tho, he looks 18

- Gordie crying 😢💔

- Gordie crying and Chris comforting him was the beginning of my lachambers obsession. My origin story.

- Stand by me said toxic masculinity ??? I don’t know her. Men cry and comfort each other. Very smexy stuff ✨

- “we better start running Eyeball, they got dibs”

- Billy reaching for the belt 🤧

- who wanna cosplay the cobras with me?

- Charlie acting as if he’s threatening. Ur not scary boo 🤧

- Chris was legit ready to die for this shit. He needs to sort out his priorities.

- my mans Gordie was unhinged as FUCK

- oh you know Denny Ace?

- “suck my fat one you cheap dime store hood” iconic

- the cobras can’t coordinate outfits

- “this is big time, baby” you calling me baby? 🥺🥺

- teddy’s dog tag appreciation post

- “not this way Teddy”

- the cinematography ✨

- “penny :)” qt

- why is Vern everyone’s younger brother ???

- “you can do anything you want man” supportive boyfriends part 2

- “not if I see you first” 😢

- Chris is not dead: an essay by me

- old Gordie is typing...

- Gordie’s kid inherited his sassiness

- he looks straight at me

- “Jesus, does anyone?”

- vibing to Stand By Me in the aftercredits

- my brother just asked “you still watching that shit” my family is done with my stand by me obsession

[adiwriting]

(gif by the lovely @darlingnotso)

PSA: As I’ve stated before, I will be putting money towards the Navajo Nation COVID-19 Relief Fund every time that I post Malex fic. 

********Please don’t reblog*********** 

This is going to be the last Sunday Morning fic for awhile. Leaving it untagged with the hopes that it remains just for my followers and doesn’t attract more harassment. If you want to comment, reply or DM me please instead of reblogging.

Week 16

When the puppies start barking at their usual 6:30am time, Alex instantly regrets all of his life choices. His head is pounding, his leg aches, and his stomach is a mess. It doesn’t help in the slightest that Michael is plastered to his side, hot as hell, and making Alex sweat. 

“Why did we get a dog?” Michael grumbles, nuzzling his nose into Alex’s neck and making him feel even worse. 

“Why did you let us get four?” he asks, pushing at Michael’s body. “And why the hell are you so hot?” 

“‘s cold,” Michael says, throwing his arm over Alex’s stomach. 

Alex pushes him away. “You’re a thousand degrees and I already want to die. Roll over or something.” 

Michael groans and Alex swears he hears him curse under his breath, but he thankfully rolls over and Alex feels like he can breathe a bit as cool air hits his overly heated skin. The relief he feels is only temporary though as his mind then zeroes in on how much his stomach is swirling and twisting. 

The puppies continue to bark. It’s too loud and the sun streaming in through the window is too bright. Everything is just too much right now and Alex needs it to stop. The mattress shifts as Bell jumps up onto the bed, making the world spin and Alex’s stomach does a dangerous tilt. He’s not even sure if he could make it to the bathroom fast enough to throw up if he had to, and so he prays he doesn’t need to. 

Michael loves him, but he doubts Michael would love it if Alex threw up in their bed. 

Bell pushes her head against his shoulder, demanding cuddles. Any other day, Alex would be more than willing to give into her demands. He loves cuddling with Bell in the mornings. But right now, he can’t focus on anything aside from not vomiting. She gives up and moves to do the same to Michael, who lifts his arm up and allows her to crawl on top of him and lay down. 

“Please tell me you’re as hungover as I am,” he complains, closing his eyes against the sun and willing the world to stop. He regrets not springing for blackout curtains when Michael was redoing their bedroom.  

Michael chuckles and it makes the bed shake, causing Alex to groan. “No, but I had about five beers and six shots less than you did,” he says. 

Alex cracks his eyes open just enough to give him a doubtful look. 

“Hey, I’m not the town drunk everyone thinks I am,” Michael protests. “And somebody had to make sure that everyone got home okay. Liz and Max were a mess. Only one of you guys who held their liquor with any dignity was Maria.” 

That’s probably fair. Alex doesn’t remember a lot of last night after the first two hours. Isobel had challenged him to a drinking game that he outright refused to lose on principle. But even the first two hours, he could tell that it was going to be one of those nights. He can’t blame his friends. It’s been a long few weeks of one alien drama after another but yesterday had been a surprisingly drama free Halloween night for them and they’d all just let loose. What he can remember of Michael though, is that he’d taken things slow most of the night, taking on the role of caretaker for everyone. 

“You had fun though, right?” he asks, worried that Michael had perhaps seen it as his duty to take care of everyone else instead of partaking in the fun himself. Part of the argument for having the party at their place was so that they could both enjoy the party rather than having to worry about getting home or taking care of the dogs. 

“Yeah, it was nice,” Michael says with a smile, running his hands over Bell, who looks perfectly content. Alex is jealous. He knows that there are few places more comfortable than Michael’s chest, but right now the thought of being anywhere near the furnace that is Michael sounds awful. 

“Don’t tell Isobel I said that,” Michael adds. “I already told her we are not having Thanksgiving here under any circumstance… Which probably means I should start working on making that table I’ve been wanting to build for out back, because I’m pretty sure my protest means that we’re having Thanksgiving here.”

Alex laughs before it causes his head to pound even more and whines. “Don’t make me laugh. It hurts.” 

“I bet,” he says. “I’m not sure why you thought you could out drink my sister. On her lightest days she polishes off two bottles of wine a night.” 

“Because she gets annoying and smug when she wins and I refuse to put up with it,” Alex says and Michael just laughs. “Is Bell still wearing her wings?” 

Michael runs his hands over the fairy wings that Bell had worn yesterday as part of her Tinkerbell costume. They’d dressed all the dogs up in Peter Pan costumes to match their namesakes. It had been adorable, if Alex does say so himself.

“She didn’t want to take them off,” Michael says with a shrug. 

“Oh yeah? She tell you that herself?” he teases. 

“As a matter of fact, I tried to take them off last night and she whined and moved away, so yes she did,” Michael says. “And the puppies were asleep when I came back inside so I left their costumes on as well.” 

Alex reaches over tentatively, careful not to move too much of his body so that he doesn’t reignite the nausea, and pets Bell. “She does make a really cute fairy.” 

“Of course she does. She’s the most beautiful fairy in the world,” he agrees, lifting his head to kiss Bell’s nose. She licks his face in return. Michael turns to look at him, “Look at what Rosa taught her yesterday when they were both hiding out in here.” Michael looks back at Bell and says, “I do believe in fairies.” 

Bell howls twice as if to say, ‘I do, I do.’ 

Alex smiles, holding back his laugh for fear of making his stomach twist even more. Bell’s howl causes the puppies to go crazy from their spot in the kitchen though and suddenly everything is far less cute. Alex’s head pounds and he’s back to hating the world and wanting to curl up and die. 

“I guess I should go walk them since you’re clearly useless today,” Michael says. 

Alex throws his arm over his eyes and doesn’t bother arguing. 

He hears Bell protest before the bed shifts again, making Alex suck in a breath as he fights against his body’s urge to hurl. “Why don’t you try and shower? I’ll bring you breakfast in bed when I get back from walking them.” 

“Can we spend the entire day in bed?” Alex asks, hopefully. 

“I’ll even let you pick the movies we watch today,” he promises, placing a kiss to Alex’s forehead. 

“You smell like a distillery,” Michael says. 

Alex has a flash of Isobel breaking out a bottle of whiskey as they played Two Truths and a Lie with Maria. He’s sure that he’s got liquor coming out of his pores at this point. He doesn’t even remember the last time he drank this much. Perhaps the one time he’d gotten plastered before shipping off to Iraq the last time? The time they’d gotten into that nasty fight over Alex’s decision not to tell Michael he was being deployed again. Michael had had to hear it from Maria and had been none too pleased. 

Michael flips on the light and Alex whines. “I regret all of my life choices.” 

“Surely not all of them,” he teases. 

“Why didn’t you stop me last night?” Alex asks. 

Michael snorts. “Oh, I tried. Several times. You told me that you were a grown ass man who didn’t need a babysitter.” 

Alex grimaces, he doesn’t remember saying that, but he’s sure he probably did. “Sorry.” 

“You’re fine,” he says. “Max was way worse and far less cute while telling me to back off. You’re good.”

“It doesn’t sound like you had a good night,” Alex says, pushing Michael despite his earlier words, wanting to make sure that he truly did enjoy himself and wasn’t miserable.

“I promise, I enjoyed myself,” he says. “Rosa and I had a nice long talk. She’s gonna start working at the junkyard for me. I wouldn’t mind having somebody help run the office side of things. She loves her dad but needs some independence.” 

“That’s understandable,” Alex says. 

“Yeah, then Liz and I nerded out over science before Max stole her away. Kyle, Maria, and I played poker and I won $150. And I ended up watching Hocus Pocus for the first time and making cookies with Rosa once everyone got too shitfaced to form coherent sentences.” 

“You’ve never seen Hocus Pocus?” Alex asks, shocked. 

“Okay, first of all, why does everyone react like that when I say that? I watched it last night with Rosa and it was cute but it does not deserve that reaction out of people,” he says, grumpily. “And second of all, you know that I didn’t have any of that shit growing up.” 

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Alex says, kicking himself for always doing that. Always reacting to experiences Michael says he didn’t have growing up with shock. Alex knows better. He himself grew up in a home void of normal childhood experiences. But he had the Ortechos and the DeLucas to help give him happy holiday memories. He always assumes that Michael had that in the Evans family, but he’s regularly proven wrong. 

“Hey, listen, go walk the dogs,” Alex says. “I’ll hop in the shower. After breakfast we can watch all the holiday movies you never got to see growing up.” 

“Can we start with Home Alone?” he asks, that light, happy tone back in his voice. 

“Of course, followed up by A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,” Alex promises. 

Forty-Five minutes later, the entire family is piled in their bed, warm and comfortable. Alex is slowly eating the pancakes that Michael prepared him, keeping his plate away from Peter’s thieving paws as best he can. His stomach is starting to settle and his headache is muted thanks to the ibuprofen that Michael left for him before he took the dogs on their walk. Home Alone is playing on the TV screen and Michael is curled up with a sleeping Bell and John, smiling soft and content. 

And right here, in this exact moment? Life feels utterly perfect.

[peakyblinderswhore]

Can you do one where the reader is Arthur’s daughter and the same age as Finn and is dating Isaiah in secret and one day at a party she gets jealous because girls are flirting with him and hes letting them and so she starts to flirt with other guys and Isaiah gets mad and pulls her away and kisses her and someone sees and tells Arthur

A/N: hi anon! (and the anon i redirected here) i will say i merged two ideas together (being finn’s twin sister and dating isaiah but not telling anyone until they catch you together) as i felt they were similar and worked better together, two brains is better than one, eh? so she’s not arthur’s daughter but arthur does come to try and protect her later on. i also shaved a little off of the end as i liked where i left it!

W/C: 1.7k

“Shh,” you whisper, hand over Isaiah’s mouth. He had a massive smile on his face, unable to contain his laughter as the two of you hid from Finn.

The two of you were hiding in one of the many rooms in Tommy’s house. He’d just gotten married and everyone was partying downstairs.

You and Isaiah, however, were far from partying. The two of you were on your way up the stairs, having a proper nosey around Tommy’s house before Isaiah had pushed you up against a wall, pinned your hands above your head with one of his and leant the other on the wall.

“Isaiah, they’re only down the stairs,” you had breathed out, his face close to yours.

He grinned, “They’ll never know…”

He brushed his lips against yours, you smiled into the kiss, his grip on your wrists above your head had loosened and his fingers were in your hair, tousling it as he went. You brought your hands down to his waist, holding on to the belt loops of his trousers and pulling him closer to you.

Isaiah chuckled, “Eager?”

You pout your lips as he pulls away, “Where you going?”

He grins, eyes shining at you, “To find us a room, what else?”

“Ah, not Tommy’s,” you call, “that’s too weird.”

Isaiah stumbles away from you, looking for a room. You quickly flatten your hair and make sure that your dress is still in all the right places for when he comes back. Standing next to the staircase, you stare at the paintings hanging on the wall. At the top of the staircase was a massive painting of Tommy, Charlie and Tommy’s wife Grace. It was grand and felt like it was the opposite of your older brother’s ‘thing’. It was outlandish compared to where he started off.

“Finn,” you hear Arthur say from below, “go check on Charlie, would you? Bride and groom’s night off and everything…”

Your eyes widen and you run to try to find Isaiah. Spotting him, you grab his arm and pull him into a room before closing the door.

Isaiah eyes you, wondering what you’re up to and before he has a chance to say anything you rush out, “Finn’s coming up, Arthur’s got him to check on Charlie.”

“What, your twin brother, Finn?”

Rolling your eyes you whisper, “What other Finn do you know, Isaiah?”

Isaiah sits next to you, perched on the edge of a bed, with his hand resting perfectly on the small of your back. You didn’t know what room you were in — all you knew was that there were too many of them, way too many. Finding your way out of the dining room after Arthur’s kind-of speech and into a large reception room would’ve been an impossible task had everyone else not been going the same way.

“You know, we don’t have to do this in secret all the time.”

Sighing, you reply, “I don’t know how everyone would act — and that’s what bothers me. I mean, you’re my twins best friend and you work for my older brother.”

Isaiah frowns, “I didn’t know that you knew about that.”

Sparing him a glance you say, “Babe, it’s the Peaky Blinders. I don’t have to be involved in it to know everything that my brothers get up to.”

“It was only recent,” he mumbles.

He seemed upset about the fact that you knew his business without him telling you so you pout and lift a hand to his face, “I’m sorry… it’s just the way us Shelby’s work. I should’ve mentioned it to you first.”

Leaning your head towards his, you capture his soft lips in yours, sharing a small moment before pulling away.

Looking around, you notice how well furnished it is and, yet, there’s a lack of homeliness to the room. You figured it was a guest room of sorts and therefore didn’t need to be furnished as well as the others.

Footsteps pass the door outside as well as a shadow and a creaking of an opening and closing door.

“I think he’s gone into Tommy’s room to check on Charlie,” you whisper, “let’s make our escape now.”

Isaiah grabs your hand and holds it tight. As the two of you stand, waiting by the door, he slowly cracks it open until a slither of light shines through. The hallway was clear.

“Quick!”

He just about yanks your arm out of your socket as he pulls you out of the room so that you are able to make a speedy exit down the winding staircase. You run your hand along the smooth banister and giggle when you make it to the bottom.

Gathering your thoughts and slowing down your heart rate from the escapade you’d just done.

The sun shines through the open front door, some of the others must’ve gone outside for some fresh air, the sun is setting as the evening nears and you breathe in the fresh air flowing through the building.

Isaiah lifts his hand to your face, you watch his movements as he does so, and ticks a loose strand of hair behind your ear, “It fell,” he says, almost in a whisper, “you look so beautiful in this light.”

In a flash, your cheeks tint a light pink and you try not to let it show too much.

Placing his hand in yours, he laces his fingers through yours before suggesting, “Shall we go for a walk? I’m sure Tommy’s for plenty of land.”

Smiling, you say, “That would be lovely.”

Neither of you are watching for anyone else who may be looking and neither of you really care because, in this moment, it’s just the two of you and that’s perfect in your eyes.

The two of you take your time walking around the grounds and have been out walking for half an hour. You pass through the gardens out back, where you especially liked looking at all of the butterflies still flying about despite it being almost night-time. Isaiah leads you through the garden to make your way back to the house.

Halting at the door, Isaiah turns to you and says, “I want to spend more time with you, more times like this.”

Gazing into his lush green eyes, you study his expression. His eyes are soft, they melt you when he looks at you like that, it makes you feel warm and you want to spend all of yourself time with him when he’s in such a good mood as he is now.

“I think that I’d like that.”

You shift so that you are stood in your tippy-toes and rest your hands on his waist. His fingers span across your cheeks as he holds your face and kisses you ever-so lightly on the lips. Your eyelids flutter shut as you drink in this moment, wanting to remember it forever, wishing that it could stay like this for a lifetime.

He deepens the kiss and just as you are bringing your hands up to rest on his chest you hear a gasp and the scattering of someone’s shoes on the stone slabs by the front door.

Simultaneously, you pull away, glancing at each other before going inside to see if you could catch the culprit.

“Oh shit,” Isaiah mumbles as an angry Arthur comes storming over to the two of you.

His hair is falling into his face despite being fiercely slicked back and his eyes are wild. His suit jacket is gone and his tie is loose around his neck, his shirt sleeves are rolled up slightly but his waistcoat remains in place.

“Isaiah!” Arthur calls, pointing his index finger in his direction.

“Who do you think you are, kissing my little sister, eh?”

Your eyes widened, he knew.

“Arthur,” you say stepping in front of Isaiah, bringing Arthur’s attention to you, “Arthur, you’re drunk, let’s not make a scene, please,” you beg.

“No! I want to talk to the man who thinks he’s got it all, who thinks he’s the bee’s knees and thinks he’s worthy of my sister. I’ve got to look out for you, love,” Arthur is insisting.

“Arthur!” you say as he tried to push past you to Isaiah.

Isaiah takes a cautionary step back, his hands held up, “Arthur,” he begins, “I know she’s your little sister and you’re trying to protect her an’ all that, but you can’t stop me from being with her.”

Arthur stops, he looks as if he’s thinking hard about something, “you can’t be with her. You’ll only leave her for someone else who is nowhere near as good as my sister ‘ere!”

“Arthur!” you plead, begging to him to stop as more heads turn in your direction, wanting to see what all the commotion is about.

“Arthur,” Tommy calls from across the room, “what’s going on, brother?”

At this point, you’re panicking, your arms are on either side of Arthur, holding him back as best you can, only hoping that your brother doesn’t snap Isaiah’s neck in response to this all.

“You can’t and won’t stop me,” Isaiah says, firmly standing his ground. You whimper at his response.

“Oh yeah? And why’s that?” Arthur challenges.

“Because I love her.”

Instantly, Arthur slacks and you have to catch yourself from falling over as well as from the words that had hit you.

Isaiah said it with so much confidence you wasn’t sure you heard him correct.

“You… love me?”

His eyes meet yours, “Yes.”

“Well fuck,” Arthur mutters before raising it so that you could hear him, “I might’ve just fucked it up for you there,” he says gesturing to the rest of the Shelby clan gathering to see what was up.

Without a second glance at Arthur, you jump on Isaiah, arms wrapped around his neck and lips pressed against his. He caught you and spun from the motion, smiling into your kiss.

“I love you too,” you whisper to him.

“Well we have been doing this for a few months now.”

“I know,” you reply, biting your lip, trying to contain your smile but fail and break out into a full-on grin.

Now all you had to do was explain it to everyone else.

Oops.

[megaguardain]

Fake AH Crew: The Bat-Heist Chapter 2

Note: This has been edited to remove James Ryan “The Asshole Guy” Haywood from the story. Please enjoy nonetheless.

Full Story: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22719961/chapters/54293320

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Chapter 2: Take a Night...

“Michael Vincent Jones,” the detective said as he tossed a hefty file on the metal table in front of a handcuffed Charlie, “aka, Mogar. Wanted for assault, gunrunning, grand larceny, grand theft auto-,”

“Love that game,” Michael interrupted.

“-murder, manslaughter, possession of a whole ton of illegal firearms and a much, much longer list of things I don’t want to list off because I have better things to do with my time. All of this in the Lone Star State,” the detective said. He leaned close to Michael and growled, “What are you doing in Gotham?”

“Sightseeing,” Michael snarled back at him.

“Right,” the detective agreed sarcastically, “You here with the Fake AH Crew?”

“I’m on vacation,”

“You rob banks while on vacation?” the other detective in the interrogation room asked.

“You have your hobbies…” Michael shrugged.

“You’re gonna have to give us something other than this vacation bullshit.” the first detective said rather threateningly.

“Don’t I get a phone call before you try to beat me?” Michael asked.

The detective grabbed Michael by the collar and lifted him out of the chair, “Listen to me scumbag,” the detective growled, “You’re gonna tell us why you’re really here and where your crew is or we’re gonna give you to-”

“Detective,” a woman’s voice said with authoritative tone. Everyone looked at the entrance to the interrogation room to see a woman with greying black hair wearing a trench coat with a gun and badge strapped to her belt.

“Uhhhh….Commissh?” the detective holding Michael asked, not putting the criminal down. The Commissioner looked at the detectives, then at Michael, then back at the detectives.

“He’s on his way,” she said before leaving.

“Who’s on his way? My lawyer?” Michael asked as the detective put him back in the chair, “Is it my dad?” he called as the detectives let the room and closed the door. Michael sat in silence or a moment before saying “Maybe it’s my mom,”

“Okay, you a get a million dollars but every piece of furniture you interact with is that breakaway stunt furniture from movies,” a British man with a large nose said. He wore a blue dress shirt and pants, sunglasses were holstered to a pocket on his chest. He sat in the passenger seat of a car parked across the street from a garage entrance. Above the garage door it said GCPD Parking.

“Every piece of furniture?” the man in the driver’s seat asked. He wore a white dress shirt with a dark vest, tie and pants.

“Every piece,” the British man explained.

“So, what if I’m really careful getting into bed? Will it collapse after I go to sleep?”

“No, it’ll collapse,”

“Damn...I don’t think I can do it, Gavin,” the man in the driver’s seat said, “I couldn’t go hang out with anyone without breaking their furniture!”

“You’re usually so careful Trevor. You might not break anything,” Gavin explained.

“I’d be way too stressed out that the slightest touch would collapse the table I’m setting a drink down on,” Trevor explained.

“It’d be like the most stressful game of Jenga,” Gavin joked.

“Exactly!” Trevor laughed.

The laughter abruptly stopped when they felt the car start vibrating.

“Why is the car-?” Trevor asked before they heard something roar. 

In the street in front of them, they saw a large vehicle swing in front of them and screech to a halt, facing the parking garage across the street. From what they could see of the vehicle, the rear had larger tires than the car Trever and Gavin sat in, and had a shell-like cover between the sets of the wheels. Below the cover was a large burner exhaust they could see heat emanating out of it.

“Hole….ly...shit,” Trevor gasped.

“That’s the Batmobile?” Gavin asked, leaning over the dashboard, “It looks like a tank had a baby with a Porsche or a Lambo,”

“Why do you think he’s just parked there?” Trevor asked after a moment of the Batmobile not moving, Gavin just shrugged.

Shortly after, the Batmobile began moving forward, rolling down the ramp toward the parking garage. As the car approached the large metal garage door it began to open, rattling as it the rows of links ascended and rolled back into the ceiling.

“Go, go, go, go!” Trevor whispered as he grabbed a satchel from the back seat and got out of the car with Gavin. The two moved to the edge of the ramp as the Batmobile entered the garage, as the Batmobile passed the garage door it bagan to close. They proceeded down the ramp as the Batmobile turned right and ventured down another ramp. The gate was about half way closed before they got close.

“Gavin!” Trevor hissed.

“On it,” he said as he outstretched his arm. His hand began to glow with a pale green aura and the garage door suddenly slowed to an almost standstill and gained the same pale green aura as Gavin. Trevor ducked under the door, followed by Gavin, keeping his hand trained on the door as he ducked under. Once inside, Gavin’s hand stopped glowing as he put it down and the door resumed closing at it’s normal speed.

The two followed the ramp down to their right, descending down deeper into the GCPD Parking Lot. They stuck to the walls of the garage and duck behind the police cruisers parked inside, even though they didn’t see anyone else. They travelled down three floors before reaching the bottom of the garage. It was a roundabout looking base, it was completely circular with a small set of stairs leading up to a set of doors with a sign that had an elevator symbol above them. The Batmobile was parked parallel to the doors, it’s left side facing Trevor and Gavin as they hid behind a police cruiser and looked around.

“See anyone?” Gavin asked.

“No, let’s go,” Trevor said.

They cautiously approached the Batmobile, Trevor pulled a collapsed drone out the stachel. The two looked over the car with confused expressions.

“Where do I even put this?” Trevor asked.

Gavin kneeled on the ground and looked under the car, “Here?” he suggested, pointing under the car’s armor and chassis. Trevor kneeled down and reached under the car. He made faces as he moved his arm around until he felt the drone magnetically stick to something.

“Now, let’s hope that doesn’t fall off,” Trevor said before he noticed Gavin giggling, “What?”

“What was with the faces?” he asked, still laughing.

“Listen, a man’s face does weird things when he’s focused on sticking something in someone’s undercarriage,” Trevor explained.

“Whatever, let’s leg it,” Gavin laughed, standing.

Batman was brooding as the elevator played cheerful music. Cassandra didn’t know why they needed to play the music in an elevator that only police took, but she didn’t really care. The elevator dinged and the doors opened and Batman was greeted by the sight of Commissioner Wayne.

“You changed the garage codes,” Batman noted, the voice distorter still active.

“We had a Joker attack this week, what did you think I was going do?” the Commissioner retorted. She turned and led Batman to the interrogation rooms, taking him inside one of the adjacent rooms. Inside was a one-way mirror window that let them observe the interrogation room next door. The bank robber Batman caught hours earlier sat handcuffed. He looked bored out of his mind.

“Name’s Michael Jones. Jersey native, moved to Tyler, Texas when he decided to become a career criminal,” the Commissioner explained, “Runs with a crew called the Fake Achievement Hunter Crew, mostly they commit robberies and other kinds of theft,”

“Where’s his crew?” Batman asked, watching Michael pick his nose.

“We don’t know, he won’t talk,” she said.

“He will to me,” Batman stated.

“Cass,” the Commissioner said, “these guys are crazy,”

“We’ve dealt with crazy,”

“No, I’m not talking about Joker and his cult, or Pyg or even Ivy. These guys don’t steal stuff to make a profit or plan to take over the world,” the Commissioner explained, “They do it for the bragging right,”

“Bragging rights? Really?”

“Yeah. They once stole a fighter jet from a military base just because someone online challenged them to do it,” she explained.

“I’ll stop them Helena.” Batman said matter of factly. Helena Wayne stared at Batman for a moment, “What?” he asked when he noticed.

“It’s kinda scary how similar you are to Dad sometimes,” Helena explained.

“I try to live up to his example,” Cassandra explained, not turning off her voice distorter.

“I know,” Helena said, “I’ll kill the lights so you can do your thing,”

Commissioner Wayne turned and flicked a switch on a nearby console and the lights in the interrogation room turned off.

“Hey! Who turned off the lights?” Michael called out. Helena heard a thump, “Fuck!” Michael shouted and she turned the lights back on. Inside the interrogation room, Batman had dented the table with Michael’s head and held it there.

“I miss doing that,” Helena said.

“Where’s your crew?” Batman demanded.

“Up your ass,” Michael retorted.

Batman slammed Michael’s head into the table again, “Tell me,”

“I did. You’re gonna need a proctologist,” Michael chuckled.

Helena began to hear a commotion outside in the bullpen, “What the hell is going on now?” she sighed. She left the room and saw her officers and detectives arguing with a man.

The man was about five and a half feet tall and wore a faded blue dress shirt with a police badge on a metal chain around his neck. He had dark brown hair and a full beard.

“And who are you?” Commissioner Wayne asked.

“I’m Detective Tapp,” the shorter one stated in what sounded like a Boston accent.

This is going to be a long night, Helena thought to herself.

“Okay, detective,” Helena sighed, using the term ‘detective’ loosely, “What are you doing here?”

“Got word you arrested one of the Fake AH boys,” Detective Tapp explained, “I’ve been followin’ them from Texas. They’ve been robbin’ all the way up here,”

“Well, they robbed a branch of Gotham Trust. Made off with ten thousand dollars,” the commissioner explained, motioning for the detective to follow her. She pulled out her phone and texted someone before stopping away from her officers, “Why are you following them?”

“They’re my beat. Been tryin’ to get something to pin’em for years,” Tapp explained.

“They don’t seem that good at hiding who they are or who did the crime,”

“True. But someone keeps posting their bail,”

“Who?” the commissioner asked. There was a moment of awkward silence as the detective was suddenly interested in his shoes.

“We...don’t know,” Detective Tapp admitted.

“Well, we’ll know in a few minutes,” Commissioner Wayne said, “Batman will get Jones to spill their beans shortly,”

“Jones? Michael or Lindsay?” Tapp asked.

“Michael Jones? Why does it matter?”

“Batman can’t crack Jones,” Tapp said, “Man’s like ten bears in a human body. He’s tough,”

“We’ve had a lot of people like that here, Tapp,” the commissioner said.

“You read his file?” Tapp asked.

“Yeah, man’s cuckoo for Coco-Puffs. I believe in Batman getting info out of him,” 

“Is he beatin’ Jones?” Tapp asked. There was an awkward silence between the two of them, “I’ll take that as a yes,”

“Listen, Jones is the Fake AH Crew’s go-to fixer. Beating him isn’t gonna work,” Detective Roger Davis explained.

“Let me guess, you have a plan?”

“Eat shit you pointy-ea-,” Michael said before being punched. He was face up on the heavily dented metal table, he was bleeding a little bit out of his nose.

“Tell where your crew is before I start breaking bones,” Batman growled.

Someone about Michael was off to Batman. On the road, his body language told him he wanted to escape. He did everything he could to prevent himself from being captured. His body told Cass everything; he’s a fighter, he’s confrontational and really enjoys alcohol, but now he wants to be here. Why?

“Alright!” a male voice behind Batman called. He turned and saw a men with the Commissioner. He presented himself as a detective like the commissioner, but he was something else too, Cass could tell. 

“Oh goddammit. Not this guy,” Michael groaned in annoyance after seeing who was in the doorway.

“Batman. A word?” the commissioner said. Batman let Michael go and followed the commissioner out of the interrogation room, leaving the man alone with Michael.

“What’s going on? Batman asked.

“He’s a detective from Tyler, Texas. Been going after the Fake AH Crew for years,” the commissioner explained.

“He’s not very good at it,” Batman said.

“No, but I had Tim verify his identity and it check out,” Commissioner Wayne explained, “He’s going to offer Michael a deal,”

“A deal?”

“Yeah. In exchange for where his crew is-,” the commissioner ware interrupted by intense shouting and crashing sounds from the interrogation room. Helena drew her gun as she and Batman approached the door to the room. They got within a few feet of it before it was kicked off its hinges by Michael.

“Freeze!” the commissioner ordered, aiming her weapon at Michael.

Michael ignored her as Batman charged at him, throwing batarangs ahead of him. Michael dodged the batarangs, Batman punched him in the face as he dodged. Michael didn’t budge.

Michael smiled as he jabbed something into Batman’s abdomen. Cass felt prongs pierce her suit and then an intense, hot prickling sensation spike across her body from the prongs. Michael dug the taser in deeper before punching her across the room.

Batman crashed into several desks, he felt his head go through a computer monitor as he slid across the desk tops. He slammed into the wall on the other side of the room. Everything hurt.

As Batman staggered up from the floor, there was a loud CRASH and the sound of a wall breaking. He looked up to see a large hole where a window used to be. Running over to the hole, he looked out onto the street, Michael was no where to be seen.

“What the hell happened in there?!” Commissioner Wayne demanded as Detectives Tapp limped out of the interrogation room.

“Why’re you yellin’ at me for? You didn’t properly restrain him!” Tapp groaned.

“He was cuffed! He had no weapons or tools!”

“He’s part Amazon! You think some steel handcuffs are gonna stop him?” Tapp yelled.

“And you didn’t think to share that information?!”

“It’s in his file!” Tapp exclaimed.

“That does not matter!” Batman interjected, sounding almost like a demon with his voice distorter, “He got out. We need to search for him and his crew,” he said, he turned toward the commissioner, “I will head back to the Cave and see what I can dig up. You,” he turned toward Detective Tapp, “tell her everything you know about the Fake AH Crew,” he said before heading toward the elevator.

Michael ran down a nearby alley and stopped.

“Where the fuck did they park?” he asked no one. Michael ran down the street around the GCPD building, keep his head down and hiding in the shadows. He eventually made it to an alley that faced the garage door of the precinct. He looked down the alley and found a car running in the alley.

“Hey-o!” Michael said, getting in the backseat of the car.

“Michael boi!” Gavin said.

“How’d it go on your end?” Trevor asked.

“Great. Got my ass beat by Batman,” Michael said as Gavin drove the car out of the alley and away from the GCPD building, “What about you guys?”

“We got the drone on his car, I was surprised he doesn’t have a sensor or something to detect that kind of thing?” Trevor said.

“Dude’s pretty confident,” Michael said, “Can we stop at like a Big Belly Burger before heading back to the warehouse?” 

[sortasirius]

Prompt: Dean drives Sam to the library routinely & pretends he hates it (but Sam knows he has a library card). Dean's started seeing a new face in the library, always reading books about spiders, but he doesnt how to break the ice. Until one day, he finally sits down and invites Cas over to his place to see his pet tarantula. When they get there, the tarantula is missing. Both are afraid of spiders: Cas was only researching for an assignment & Dean only got a tarantula to impress Cas.

This is literally the funniest prompt I have ever received, I literally laughed for a minute straight when I read it.  Thank you so much, this was such a fun one to write, I hope you like it!

Words: 2063 (what can I say, the spider sparked my creativity)

Dean pretends to hate the library.  Someone had to put up the front of being the cool intimidating brother, and they both knew that wasn’t going to be Sam, even though he was about a foot taller than Dean now.  No, that didn’t make Dean self-conscious.

He takes Sam to the library at least once a week, Sam insists he studies better when he was there, Dean rolling his eyes and relenting, sprawling out in one of the hard wooden chairs and pretending to be bored on his phone until he could sneak off to peruse the stacks himself, where he was sure Sam wouldn’t see him.  He reads Tolstoy and Vonnegut and Dostoyevsky and Salinger, even dipping into those Hunger Games books that everyone was so unto a few years before (his review? They’re pretty good, make him feel like he’s a fast reader).

It’s an easy routine, something that Dean will never in a million years admit how much he enjoys.  The quiet shelves that all smell like dust, pencil shavings, and old books are peaceful, something that makes him feel like he can breathe a little easier, that life is a simple as sinking down onto the worn, stained carpet, his back being poked by a metal divider between the S’s and the T’s and losing himself in the inky words printed on the page.

One Sunday in the dead of winter, Dean’s in his usual hiding place in the back corner of the library.  It’s a little darker here, but when your eyes get used to the lower light, it’s easy to read.  He’s lost in the world of Jack Kerouac’s On The Road today, and is so immersed that he doesn’t even notice someone looking at the shelves next to him, right up until they trip over his feet in the aisle and crash onto the floor with a thud loud enough to shake the books stacked towards the ceiling.

“Shit!” Dean cries in a stage whisper, surprised, but not surprised enough to use a regular speaking voice, he isn’t an animal, this is a library after all.  He scrambles to help the person up in the semi-darkness and then is face to face with a pair of wide blue eyes.

“Sorry,” the stranger whispers, trying to arrange his clothes, which Dean notices fit the attire of a college professor more than a student, and this guy looked like a student.

“S’no problem, my fault, I probably shouldn’t sit in the middle of the aisle.”

The guy nods, smiling a little shyly, and then hurries off before Dean can even catch his name.  Damn.  He was good looking too.

Dean sheepishly moves out of the aisle and to a small table which, though more in the light, is also open enough that Sam could see him if he walks by, and Dean still wasn’t sure he wants to deal with the smug look that would take up residence on his brother’s face if he saw him reading.  But man, this book was just a little too good to put down.

Surprise surprise, he does get caught.  Sam taps him on the shoulder with a wide grin, his bag hooked over his shoulder, clearly ready to go.

“So much for hating the library huh?”

“Ok, whatever, I just come here for the pictures.”

“Kerouac isn’t exactly kid’s stuff.”

Dean rolls his eyes and gets to his feet, looking anywhere but at Sam.  He tucks the book under his arm.  He had to check it out and finish it tonight, it’s just that good.

They walk by the guy that had tripped over Dean earlier. He’s hunched over his table, his hands flying across a notepad he has next to him, several books about spiders spread out around him.  Dean makes a mental note of it.  He was going to talk to that guy if he saw him again, he’s always up for a good challenge, and spider-boy looked like the perfect one.

He does see spider-boy again the next week, when Sam simply has to study for a midterm he has coming up.  He’s wearing thick glasses with dark frames this time, his nose an inch from the diagram of a garden spider he’s copying.  Dean tries to work up the courage to go talk to him, but there’s something so taboo about interrupting someone when they’re so clearly in a groove, so Dean watches him from the non-fiction section, observing the way his hair brushes the edge of the book he’s staring at, and the way he cracks his knuckles every so often when his hand starts cramping.

Dean decides he’s being a freak.  He goes back to his little table and picks up Tortilla Flat by Steinbeck.

It goes on like this for nearly two months.  Dean sees spider-boy every week, who’s name, he learns, is Cas, always at the same table, always working on something to do with spiders. And every week, Dean swears he’s going to go talk to him, but he has no idea how.  He’s never been this nervous to talk to someone, but there’s a little nagging voice in the back of his head, what if this guy thought he was an idiot? What if they had nothing to talk about?

So, he does what he does best: he hatches a master plan at his little table in the back of the library.

He’s a genius.

“You’re an idiot,” Sam sighs, staring out the window of the Impala at the looming brick building of the library grew closer.  Dean had put his plan into action the day before, and was eager to get to the library and ask Cas to come home with him, see his prize.  He had insisted that Sam get a ride home with his girlfriend, and Sam had been only too happy to oblige.

“This’ll make a great story for Eileen I guess.”

“This is going to work.”

Sam laughs again.

“Like I said, you’re an idiot.”

Dean doesn’t waste time.  The second he steps inside, and smells the familiar old-book smell, he heads straight for Cas’ table.  Cas is wearing his glasses today, and is reading a book called The History of the Arachnid, he’s leaning back on his chair so two legs were off the ground. A rebel.  Dean’s kinda guy.

Dean plops down across from him, and Cas lowers his book in surprise.

“Hi, you probably don’t remember me-”

“I see you every week.”

This catches Dean off guard.  Cas arches an eyebrow, and then laughs a little.

“I’m Cas.”

Dean knows this, the librarian, Mrs. Covere, is a total gossip who loves Dean, and he had wheedled it out of her three weeks prior to hatching his plan.

“Hi Cas, I’m Dean.”

“Nice to meet you, Dean,” Cas smiles at him, clearly intrigued, and Dean isn’t going to disappoint.

“Listen,” Dean starts, leaning across the table with his hands clasped in front of him, “I see you reading a lot about spiders.  And, though there are other books out there, I was wondering if you wanted to stope reading about them and come meet a real one.”

Cas pales by a few degrees, and Dean rushes to explain so he doesn’t come across like a total freak.

“It’s just.  Uh, well, I just got this guy, and he seems pretty cool, and you, uh, seem into spiders and I was just wondering if you, like you totally don’t have to, I don’t want to make it seem like, anyway, uh, the offer’s there?  I guess…”

He trails off, kicking himself for rambling so much.  That was not part of the master plan.  But Cas, though still pale, smiles at him again.

“Sure, as long as you promise not to murder me.”

Dean grins back.

“Scout’s honor,” he raises his hand in salute, “You can ask Mrs. Covere, she’ll vouch for me.”

The ride over to Sam and Dean’s shared apartment with Cas is quiet.  He doesn’t seem to feel every silence with words, and Dean’s the same, he likes that.  He wasn’t sure he could talk much anyway, he would probably say something that would ruin the surprise.

Dean jumps out of the car and hustles to his door the second he parks, and Cas follows, still with those wide, interested eyes, his reading glasses tucked carefully into the breast pocket of his dress shirt. Dean had never seen anyone dress so formally all the time, he would have to ask him about it, after his amazing ice-breaker.

Dean heads straight for the enclosure the man at the pet store had suggested to him, looks in the tank…and his stomach falls into his shoes.

There is supposed to be a tarantula that Dean had purchased in that tank.  There is not a tarantula in that tank.

“Ha ha,” Cas is standing next to him, also looking into the clearly empty tank, “Good one.  Where did you hide it?”

Dean’s throat is very dry.  His eyes flick from floor, to wall, to ceiling.  Can they even get on the ceiling?

“Um.  This isn’t a joke.  He, uh, got out I guess.”

Cas eyes widen with palpable fear, he takes an automatic step toward the door.

“Oh hell no, nope no, I gotta go.”

“Wait!  You’re the only one here with any idea at all what to do!”

Cas gapes at him, Dean feels like he’s hyperventilating, suddenly feeling like there was maybe something on his back.

“What do you mean?  I don’t know anything about-”

“You’ve read nothing but spider books for the last two months!”

“It was for my term paper!  I hate spiders!”

“Well I do too!”

“Then why do you have one in your house?!”

“Because it was my master plan!  I thought it would impress you!”

Cas splutters, half laughing.

“Wait,” Dean continues, “Why did you come with me if you hate spiders?”

“Because I wanted to impress you,” Cas cries, still looking all around the room for their missing spider friend.  Dean follow his eyes, searching for the traitor.  He was supposed to get him laid, not be a cock block.

You’re gonna have such a cool home after this too, he thinks bitterly, you do this to me, and I’m going to give you to Charlie.  She loves all kinds of weird pets, you’ll be living the dream, I don’t deserve this man.

Yes, he’s talking to a tarantula in his head, these are desperate times.

He looks up at Cas, half desperate, half terrified that Cas was going to walk out the door and start going to the library across town.

“Listen, please help me find him, and I swear I’ll take you on a normal date after.”

Cas just nods.

It takes them the better part of an hour to track down the spider, who is hiding in the corner of the living room by Dean’s guitar, and then ten minutes of rock, paper, scissors to decide who picks him up. Dean loses, damn paper, and doesn’t immediately yell when it crawls on his hand because this is a delicate operation and, even though he hates spiders, he actually didn’t want to freak the little dude out.

Dean calls Charlie immediately after he’s back in his enclosure, and tells her she needs to come grab her new pet ASAP.  He and Cas sit on the couch, staring at the lighted enclosure, trying to make sure the tarantula stayed in place this time.

Charlie shows up ten minutes later, bouncing on the balls of her feet, and happily scoops the spider into a “travel carrier” as she calls it. Dean carries all the spider supplies out to her car, and as she straps him carefully into the passenger seat she calls,

“Say bye to Aragog!”

Dean and Cas wave as she drives away, Charlie eyeing Dean from her rearview mirror.  He knows he’s going to have to give a full report later.

“I have to say,” Cas says quietly after a minute, “That was the most fun I’ve ever had on a first date.”

Dean’s heart skips a beat.  

“Just how I drew it up.  You hungry?  Let’s go get something to eat.”

Cas slides his hand into Dean’s as they walk towards his car, and Dean can’t help but think he owes Aragog a drink or two.

[rosesvioletshardy]

life as we know it - b.h. chapter 11

here it is chapter 11, sorry it wasn’t posted yesterday i was busy and hadn’t finished writing the chapter until almost maybe 2 am pst

i really hope y’all like this chapter because i have no clue what i wrote if i’m being honest and i didn’t know how to end it

masterlist

summary: when their two best friends die, it’s up to ben and y/n to take care of their goddaughter and face the challenges with it

# of words: 3,922

warnings: fluff, angst, language

taglist: @myfatbottomedgirls , @evemarie05 , @suckerfor-fanfics

 inbox me or message me if you want to be added to the taglist for the series

---

gif credit: @benhardyispretty

while waking up, y/n felt more refreshed than she has ever felt before. it was most likely for the fact that she felt more free now that she was single. although she did love ben, she still couldn’t confide in where her feelings stood for ben. half of her loved her, but the other half knew she couldn’t. she walked down the stairs to find the house empty besides her, charlie, and frankie. when she reached the kitchen, she saw a note that was taped on the coffee pot from him

went to filming, had to leave early, you can come if you’re not busy. extra breakfast is in the fridge as well as coffee in the pot :)

she smiled at his note and his messy handwriting. when she opened the fridge, she saw 

 for her, it was the little things that for her that mattered like remembering a favorite song of the persons or how they like their breakfast in the morning. today was odd though, y/n didn’t know what they were filming today and ben would’ve usually told her what scene they were filming and what it was about without giving too much away that they weren’t exactly supposed to talk about it to others that much.

---

while y/n was loading up her car, she got a text from ben asking where she was. 

“hey are you on your way?”

“yeah we’re just about to leave”

“alright, you’re really gonna like what we’re filming today ;)”

“what are you guys filming?”

“Ben?”

“hello???” 

“asshole”

she gave up on trying to get an answer from him seeing that he probably had to go film. She got into her car and started it and played some soft music for charlie so she wouldn’t be cranky when they got there.

 ben on the other hand was in his trailer chilling until he had to get called into costume and makeup. he was excited to film today but the only problem he had with this costume were his thighs. he tried to get roger’s physique but he played too much rugby growing up. y/n didn’t do sports much growing up, her parents wanted her to try ballet, she tried soccer for a year, swim for a year, then volleyball for another year, until she realized sports weren’t for her. during that time she also did piano for several years and that was pretty much it for her. she snapped out of her thoughts when out of nowhere she started to pull up to the lot at the studio. not understanding how she managed to get there without getting into an accident, she told the security guard her name and told him she was a guest of ben’s and went inside. 

putting charlie in her stroller, and grabbing her diaper bag, she began to walk around until she found someone she recognized or at least found ben’s trailer. she spent what felt like hours but was only minutes, she just decided to ask someone. walking toward someone who had black, maybe shoulder length hair and a pink shirt and black skirt, she tapped on their shoulder. as the person turned around after feeling their shoulder get tapped, y/n immediately lost it. it was rami, dressed as freddie for the i want to break free music video. she covered her mouth as rami turned around giving her the full view.

“oh my god, you look amazing.”

“thank you, darling” rami said in his freddie voice causing her to laugh

“wait does that mean ben?”

“yes it does mean that. i can take you to him right now if you’d like? he’s getting into his outfit and hair in makeup right now.”

“oh please take me. i think we need to see this.” she tells him as rami began showing her the way after putting his robe back on

“so how’s everything?”

“stressful. as much as i love filming and playing freddie, it’s a lot you know? what about you? how are you and ben doing?”

“we’re doing great. charlie’s doing great. her birthday is coming up soon, you and the guys can come if you’re not busy filming that day”

“we’d love too, she’s already a part of the family.” he said smiling at her

when they reached the hair and makeup trailer, rami went in first to tell ben something 

“hey ben, there’s something outside for you?” “what is it?” 

“i’m not sure, i think it’s some sort of package for you.”

“alright, i think you’re done. you can go, i’ll still be on set knowing that all of you will mess it up.” his makeup artist told them

“thanks, now what was it?” 

ben followed rami outside where y/n and charlie were waiting for him with her phone ready to document what she thought was a  legendary moment. as ben stepped out, it took him a moment to realize that it was her.

“Oh wow, this is great. you look like rogerina. holy shit.” she laughed after taking a few pictures

“i look beautiful, don't i?” ben said fluttering his eyes and dramatically flipping the hair from him wig

“oh yes you do.” she said giggling and covering her mouth

ben reached down and picked up charlie who started whining, not recognizing him that well with the full face of makeup. at this point everyone had started to stare at all of them wondering why a baby was on set and why it was crying. he tried to console her and calm her down and making sure that people stopped staring at them before letting out a deep sigh and doing what he knew would be the only thing that would calm her down: singing. he didn’t sing often and would only do it if he were pissed drunk or if he were putting charlie to sleep or calm her down. y/n loved ben’s singing even if he wasn’t the best. 

“you had your time, you had the power

you’ve yet to have, your finest hour, radio

all we hear is radio gaga, radio goo goo

all we hear is radio gaga, radio blah blah

radio what’s new? radio, someone still loves you” 

as ben finished, all eyes were on him and were clapping but all he could focus on charlie and how her head was now laying on his shoulder as she played with the tie on his schoolgirl costume. he kissed her head and handed her back to y/n when the guys were all called on set and she followed them to watch. she loved every second of them trying to act like the band from the music video. she started to laugh at them, especially when ben landed on joe and he started to hit ben’s butt. everyone was thinking the exact same thing and it was that the boys were having too much fun whenever they filmed scenes like this. y/n loved the way they were all so in character and wanted to make sure they live up to the expectations of the band without fully imitating them. 

ben continued to film till the nighttime and y/n had left home early with charlie seeing that they could sense the director was getting annoyed despite her being in ben’s trailer for most of the time so they could film without any distractions bothering all of them. When they got home, the first thing she needed to do was put charlie down and get them both some food. knowing that ben was going to come home late, she ordered take out for them and got out a jar of sweet potatoes and peas with small bits of meat for charlie. while trying to feed her, started to become fussy and began to spit out everything she was given to eat. 

“Come one girl, there isn’t anything you like tonight?” she asked already getting frustrated

“okay, let’s take a walk around the house, you really seem to like that”

after wiping her face from the spilled food, she took charlie out of her chair and put her down so she could walk around, frankie followed close behind them. while charlie walked around there was a knock on the door signaling that her food was here. paying and tipping she quickly put the food in the kitchen and her wallet back before walking around the house to find charlie. almost losing her by finding her halfway up the stairs, she followed her up the stairs and walking to the family room that was upstairs. y/n hasn’t really stepped in the room that much besides only to clean and dust it. ben has been in it a few times but only to look around. while charlie began to climb the couch to get on it, she found something that was in the tv stand; it was a laptop. specifically lennon’s laptop. she recognized the case cover with flowers all over. 

taking it out, she walked over to the couch and sat down with charlie on her left. she took a moment and stared at it for a few moments before taking it out and turning it on. there were lots of memories that were hard for her to look through before sucking it up and typing in the password. the screensaver started to make her tear up. it was a picture of her, lennon, christian, and ben from one of the days they hung out together. she saw all the files that were for her classes and some that were for memories. 

ben walked into the house and it was all quiet. Not even frankie was coming down to greet him and she always did. throwing his jacket on the couch he walked into the kitchen to find bags of takeout but unopened as well as a plate of food for charlie. still confused, he walked up the stairs to find y/n and charlie cuddled up watching what he thought was a movie on the couch. he walked over to them and set next to her and looked over to find them watching videos from the last couple of years.

“hey”

“hi”

“why you up here?’

“charlie wanted to walk around and she came here and i saw the laptop and here we are” she told him as she wiped away a tear that escaped from her eye

“you miss her a lot don’t you?’ he asked her already knowing the answer. she couldn’t talk so she nodded

“i miss chris too. i honestly miss the way he would dramatically sing the national anthem already pissed drunk. he never could hold his drinks and was always a lightweight dickhead”

this caused the both of them to giggle as a video of lennon was playing the day she gave birth. they remember the day vividly. one minute they were arguing on how they were going to paint the room while christian was trying to finish building the crib.

“remember how much we used to hate each other?”

“i felt like our constant fighting was driving them insane.” 

“lennon felt like she’s seen more fighting from us than she’s seen while teaching.” ben laughed as he picked up charlie and put her on his lap

the video continued to play before it cut to lennon and christian in the hospital as she was trying to control her breathing

“and here we have your mother, looking beautiful as always. we can’t wait to meet you babygirl.” “hopefully you’re not as stubborn as your father.”

“well that’s something she got wrong” ben said as he blew a raspberry onto charlie’s cheek causing her giggle

“that’s your mama and dada sweetie. you would’ve loved them so much. your mama was the craziest person we knew but still grounded and your dada could talk and argue his way out of everything for days. they kept each other grounded and sane.” y/n whispered

“da”

this caused ben and y/n to stop what they were watching and look at her and to each other

“did she just?”

“i think she did. can you say that again baby? dada?’

“da..da”

“oh my god she did it! she said her first word!”

“she really did! christian would be over the moon and bragging that her first words were about him” ben said picking her up and spinning her around

the rest of the night was spent eating their dinner and watching a movie before charlie was nearly passed out. ben took her to bed while y/n cleaned the area up. she knew she was hurting herself by watching more of the videos before she landed on a one that involved lennon, christian, and charlie. it was a few days after charlie was born and they were back home and in her room. lennon and christian had started to argue because she could still smell the paint on the walls and was concerned that charlie would breathe them in. christian had told her that the windows had been opened so it could get the smell out and that he wouldn’t have had charlie in the room if it still have paint fumes. Ben walked in to find her with the laptop again and watched with her.

“you know, we loved playing rugby all the time and i kept getting injured and became bored with it and christian told me about the local drama club and spent almost all the time practicing with me until i went off to drama school. even then he would still practice with me during our exam seasons. he never got a full chance to study because of me and knew that i would make it as an actor and he still managed to be one of the best lawyers in london while still in his 20’s. he didn’t care how cheesy the scene was and always came to support me at my shows whenever he could. i can’t leave him alone when he needs me. and he never left me alone when i needed him. even if he’s gone.”

“i started watching these because i just wanted to hear their voices, see them for a minute you know? when you were putting her down, i found this one” she said pressing play

“ta-da! pretty great, huh? We went with the lavender and the blue sky. When y/n and ben were at the hospital with you, i finished some few touches”

“when did you paint this room?”

“like i said, i finished it the second day at the hospital.i wanted to surprise you.”

“i can still smell the fumes chris” lennon said trying to cover charlie’s nose so she didn’t breathe it all in

“it’s been dry for days now l-” christian tried arguing

“it hasn’t been drying long enough”

“we’re really getting so critical right now. it’s not even wet paint.”

“she’s not sleeping in the bedroom tonight”

“i wouldn’t bring a baby, let alone ours, into wet paint room”

“of course it’s not wet but does it smell for days afterwards?”

“no, it doesn’t. it’s totally aired out. do you know how much work y/n, ben, and i put into this?”

“you didn't do any of this, when have you painted a flower or a cloud this detailed?”

“okay, i oversaw what y/n was doing-”

“she can’t sleep in here, move her crib”

“Of course she can, this is her room!” christian said following lennon out

she then paused the video and ben began to speak again

“so what you’re saying is, that it’s okay that we’re horrible parents and that we want to kill each other half the time but also tend to make out every now and then?”

“Two-thirds, actually. i feel like we should keep doing what you said before. that we stop trying and stop trying to fit ourselves into their lives.” she said

“i actually hate this place. it’s like a mausoleum. there’s pictures of them everywhere. and i really hate that painting up there.” ben told her as he pointed to the cowboy on the wall.

“yeah, he’s really creepy right?” she stated pulling a face of disgust

“if we’re going to live here, we have to stop tiptoeing around like they’re coming back soon.

“well then, let’s get to work.” ben said as he got up and offered his hand for her to take

the first thing they did when they got up was take down the cowboy painting and ben went and put it the garage, specifically where they can’t see it whenever they go down there. y/n looked for pictures of her and ben that they could hang up in replace of the ones of chris and lennon. ben was with her until he found one of them together at the wedding. that was one of the few times they complied and took pictures together. one of them in particular, ben was staring at her like she was the only girl in the world. they both hung up a picture of them at the hospital with charlie when she was first born.

“wait, a little to the left--no no no, a little back to the right--wait right there. perfect” 

ben went back to y/n and put his arm around her shoulder and she leaned in while he kissed her head. they stood there for a few minutes admiring it before deciding to head off to bed. they had a lot to do before a party on the weekend which meant planning and making sure that they knew what they were going to do and it was all scheduled and ready to go. 

---

it was the weekend. which meant a birthday party for a now 1 year old. y/n had make a small cake for charlie in the morning so she could have some fun with it before the actual party. everyone in the neighborhood and joe, gwilym, rami, allen, and lucy were coming according to ben. she felt close with the cast after being introduced to them. she hadn’t met allen until a few days before when they had made a visit to the set. 

“here comes the birthday girl” ben said while he walked into the kitchen as she finished icing the small cupcake for her

“who’s the pretty birthday girl right in front of my own eyes?” y/n asked putting the pipping bag down

ben grabbed a small candle from the cabinet and his lighter and put it on the cupcake and set it on the tray. he took out his phone and began videoing as him and y/n began to sing her happy birthday. he sent the video to her when they finished and posted it on instagram. once he posted it, comments began flooding in wishing her a happy birthday. 

“so what is on the agenda today?” ben asked drinking his coffee

“well, we need to definitely give her a shower because she has frosting all over her. then, we have a couple hours to set up before everyone comes over  at 2, tyler is bringing the cake over around the same time, the face painter is coming over around 1:30 to set everything up, jack and melissa’s flight landed last night and they are going to be here to help soon.” she told him

“wow we are going to properly pass out tonight. this is going to be a lot. is there at least going to be some booze?” 

“yeah, it’ll be somewhere where the other kids don’t mistake it for their drinks-” she began talking before getting cut off by the door opening and closing

“hello? is anyone awake?” a voice yelled

the two adults recognized the man’s voice as jack before melissa scolded him

“be quiet, they could still be sleeping” melissa told them taking off their coats

“no, we’re not asleep. we’re wide awake. Hi jack, hi melissa”

“hi sweetheart. how ya doing” melissa asked rubbing the sides of y/n’s arms

“i’m good, how are you guys? how was the flight?”

“it was good, the both of you really didn’t need to put us in a really fancy hotel, others would’ve been fine.”

“we don’t want to hear it, you both deserve the best after all you’ve done for us and charlie. how are you jack?” ben asked shaking his hand

“good, still retired, still down at the golf course. here’s the birthday girl. my is she getting big.” jack said as ben handed her to him

“she is. she actually started walking and said her first words this month.” she told them as they all moved to the living room and  brought out some coffee for them

the fours adults continued to talk as they recounted memories over time of lennon’s and y/n’s birthdays including the time where she ended up roller skating into the cake. in her defense, she didn’t know how to stop at the time. jack and ben went to set up the grill while melissa started to decorate so charlie could get cleaned up. the weather was fortunate enough for it to be nice and sunny that day instead of cloudiness and rain. 

“y/n sweetie, i need to ask you something.”

“what is it?”

“how are things between you and ben?”

she knew that this question was going to come up sooner than later before everyone came. y/n knew in her heart that it was always ben that she was supposed to be with but her brain was telling her otherwise

“things...are going great. We’ve managed to work some things out. he was with me when i broke up with sean.”

“listen to your heart. your brain will tell you otherwise but it’s truly what your heart wants. if he doesn’t see what a great person you are, it’s on him and i know he’ll regret it later.” 

“thanks mel. i wish i had what you and jack have.”

“please, married 30 years and he always forgets when our anniversary is” melissa mentioned as she chopped up the lettuce for the salad

“men, what would we do without them?” she remarked causing the both of them to laugh

--

the party went better than they thought it would go. the only problem was ben not liking the idea of getting matching face paints but only doing it for y/n and charlie. joe had managed to get a picture of them and posted it. they had convinced jack and melissa to go back to their hotel and told them they could deal with the cleaning. it was quiet in the house now and they felt like they could just pass out and never wake up. she found ben outside smoking and nursing a beer before she went and wrapped her arms around him. he got rid of the cigarette and turned around and kissed her forehead.

“i thought you were going to quit.”

“i am, as soon as filming is over.” he announced before continuing

“’s nice out. wish it would be like this all the time” 

“it is. today was good, i’m glad people enjoyed themselves even after she went to sleep” “yeah the guys seemed to enjoy themselves. same with you tiger.” y/n laughed seeing the paint smudging off of his face 

“hey take a look at yourself too. The things we do for her.”

“i know i make a pretty sexy tiger” 

this caused ben to turn red and start stuttering over his words. all she could was just laugh it off and walk off

“c’mon, let’s go to bed. you have filming tomorrow”

[flowerfan2]

Group Texts Are Ridiculous (Or, Five-0 Starts a Group Text)

Somehow I managed to post Chapter 2 on A03 a few days ago without posting on tumblr... I’m not sure how many people actually depend on tumblr for fic these days, but in case you do, here you go!

McDanno, T, A03

Summary:  After 10x22 when Steve leaves Oahu to go find himself, Five-0 starts a group text to keep in touch while Steve’s away.  Picks up after the end of Season 10. 

Chapter 2

May 20, 2020

SM:  Hey, where’s Danny?

LG:  With Tani, I think, heading to a crime scene on the north shore.  Sure glad to have him back.  Otherwise it would have been me getting up at the ass crack of dawn when Duke called.

SM:  Does Danny seem ready?

LG:  Ready to come back to work?  Sure.  Shirts are crisp, slacks nicely pressed, hair sprayed firmly in place.  Your boy looks great.

SM:  Ribs not hurting him anymore?

LG:  Maybe a little, but it’s not slowing him down much.

SM:  He hasn’t been answering my texts.

LG:  Did you do something to piss him off?

SM:  Probably.  I usually do. Not sure what this time, though.

TR:  Don’t stress, boss. Danny’s right here, looking sharp as always.  we’re in the car.

SM:  Tani, what have I said about no driving and texting?

TR:  I’m not - Danny’s driving.

SM:  Can I talk to him?  Put it on speaker.

TR:  That would require you to actually call him.  Maybe give it a few minutes though?  We’re a little busy right now.

SM:  What, he can’t drive and talk on the phone at the same time?

TR:  It’s the dodging of bullets that might make that challenging.  Not that Danny isn’t a great multi-tasker, but it seems like an unnecessary risk.

 SM:  Tani, what the hell is going on?

 LG:  Damn.  On my way.

 SM:  Tani, report, now.

 JR:  What just happened?

 SM:  Junior, why aren’t you with Danny?  And where’s Quinn?

 JR:  Day off, sorry sir.

 SM:  Someone call HPD, why don’t you have any back up?

 TR:  No worries, the perp’s not chasing us anymore.  His car flipped over and sort of slid down the dunes. Probably not good for the birds. But he definitely stopped shooting, so it’s all good.

 <i>DW has changed the name of the group text to</i> <b>My Camaro has another bullet hole and it’s Steve’s fault</b>

  <b>May 21, 2020 </b>

 SM:  We have to talk about yesterday.

 DW:  Everything’s fine, Steve.  

 SM:  It didn’t sound like it.  

 DW:  We had it under control.

 SM:  Why was Tani texting when people were shooting at you?  She should have been covering you, or calling for back up. She should have seen it coming. You should never have been in that position in the first place.

 DW:  One, Tani did nothing wrong, and two, mind your own beeswax.

 SM:  Mind my own – what’s that supposed to mean?

 DW:  Think about it for a minute, you’ll figure it out.

 SM:  Are you even recovered enough for active duty?

 DW:  Oh, now you’re interested in my health?

 SM:  Danny, Five-0 is still my team, my responsibility.

 DW:  Is it, now?  Funny, because I’m pretty sure the governor told me I’m in charge.

 SM:  Temporarily.

 DW:  Indefinitely.  Or have you booked a flight home that you haven’t told us about?

 SM:  Danny, we’ve been over this.

 DW:  Don’t I know it.

 SM:  I’m just concerned about all of you.  

 DW:  Great.  Come home and take your job back.  Otherwise keep your mouth shut.

 SM:  I’m not criticizing, it’s just that it doesn’t seem like yesterday went exactly according to plan.

 DW:  According to plan?  Since when have you ever done anything according to plan?  You are the head of not having a plan, the Czar of plan-less-ness, the President of who needs a fucking plan.

 LG:  You guys do remember this is a group text, right?

  <b>June 2, 2020</b>

 JR:  Do any of you know what was in the package Danny got today?

 TR:  You could just ask him.

 JR:  I would, but he opened it up and then locked himself in his office and he’s been on the phone for half an hour.

 QL:  Might be a sign that he wants some privacy.

 TR:  You think?

 JR:  So I shouldn’t ask him?

 TR:  No, you should definitely ask him.  But maybe bring him some malasadas when you barge into his office, it might soften the blow.

 LG:  Or distract him enough that he doesn’t hit your head when he throws something at you.

 DW:  It’s kind of late for malasadas, but I’d love a sandwich from Machete’s.  Turkey and salami, Italian dressing instead of mayo.

 JR:  Yes sir.

 LG:  You’re enjoying this boss thing, aren’t you, Danny?

 DW:  It’s good to be king.  At least where lunch is concerned.

 TR:  So are you going to tell us what was in the package?

 DW:  Will you do my paperwork for the week?

 TR:  Yesterday you said I was worse at paperwork than Steve.

 DW:  Good point.  Will you get Junior to do my paperwork?

 JR:  Hey, wait a minute, I’m getting the sandwiches.

 TR:  Deal.  Don’t worry Junes, I’ll make it worth your while.

 LG:  TMI, children.

 …

 LG:  Tani, spill.  What was in the package?

 DW:  A stuffed squirrel.  A stuffed animal.  Not, like, a once was alive squirrel, like a toy.  

 QL:  Who sent it to him?

 TR:  Apparently that piece of information wasn’t part of the deal.  

 JR:  It’s from Steve.

 TR:  Danny told you?

 JR:  No, I looked at the return address.  He put the package in the recycle bin in the break room.

 DW:  At least someone here has some detective skills.

 LG:  Okay, I’ll bite.  Danny, why did Steve send you a squirrel?  Is it for Charlie?

 DW:  Nope, it’s mine.  And anyone who touches it is dead.

 JR:  So… who’s gonna grab it?

 LG:  Junior, I’d think twice.  Danny’s got the power to assign you to walking the beat for the rest of the summer.  I think that squirrel looks great right there where it is on Danny’s desk.

 TR:  He can be our honorary Five-0 mascot.

 DW:  Exactly.  The very first Hawaiian squirrel.

 DW:  But let me reiterate, you may not touch him.  If I see a tiny aloha shirt or a lei on my squirrel, heads will roll.

 TR:  I like this side of you, Danny.  Very authoritative.

 DW:  The children do not respect me, Lou.

 LG:  Didn’t the governor say he needed extra security at that concert Saturday night?

 DW:  The heavy metal battle of the bands?  The one that lasts for five hours, and features not just professional bands, but appearances from some of the most popular amateur head-banging groups around?  Hm, I think he did.  I was going to check with HPD to make sure it was covered.  Do you think they need personal attention from Five-0?

 TR:  Danny, you might notice that a note has just been slipped under your door. It’s from me and Junior, attesting to our sincere understanding that the squirrel is off limits.  Just in case you were wondering.

 DW:  And all is right with the world again.

 LG:  Amen, brother.

 TR:  But just out of curiosity, what are you going to name your apology squirrel?  Pineapple?

 DW:  Thin ice, my friend, thin ice.

 <i>TR has changed the name of the group text to</i> <b>First Hawaiian Squirrel Fan Club</b>

  <b>June 20, 2020</b>

  JR:  Anyone want to come over and watch Jurassic Park with me and Charlie?  We went a little overboard with the snacks.

 LG:  What kind of snacks?

 JR:  Primarily pretzels.  For some reason I had never really looked that closely at the pretzel aisle at Foodland before.  We got chocolate covered pretzels, pretzels stuffed with peanut butter, honey garlic pretzels, and probably some others too.

 TR:  What brought on this pretzel craving?

 JR:  Actually Charlie wanted pineapple pretzels.

 LG:  There is no such thing.

 JR:  That’s what I thought too, but it turns out I was totally wrong. The ABC store on my block has them.

 LG:  You are shitting me.

 JR:  They’re called Pretz.  Pineapple flavor.  They’re actually pretty good.

 LG:  Okay, I’m coming over just to taste those.  Renee’s out tonight anyway.

 TR:  You’ll have to save me some.  I’m hanging with Koa tonight.

 LG:  And what does our fearless leader think about pineapple pretzels?

 JR:  He probably won’t like them, but he’s not home.  

 TR:  Babysitting, Junes?

 JR:  Charlie’s my pal, he’s not a baby.  But yeah.

 TR:  Where’s Danny?

 JR:  On a date.

 TR:  That seems unlikely.

 JR:  That’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?  Danny’s a good looking guy.

 TR:  Of course he is, that’s not what I meant.

 DW:  Thanks.

 TR:  Fuck I keep forgetting we’re all on this text.

 JR:  Danny, how’s your date going?

 DW:  It would probably be going better if I wasn’t texting you guys.  

 SM:  Learned that lesson finally, did you?

 DW:  Steve, isn’t it a little late where you are?

 SM:  Never too late to help out a friend.  Are you wearing the French blue button-down?

 DW:  No, it got ruined.  I’m just wearing a black polo.

 SM:  Too bad, that’s a great shirt.

 DW:  I’m going to the mall tomorrow, there’s a sale at Lord & Taylor, I need new shirts.  For some reason mine keep getting blood stains on them.

 SM:  Wish I could go with you, you do better with a wingman.

 DW:  It’s true, you talked me into buying two of those slim fit dark blue ones, and those are some of my favorites.

 SM:  Don’t be afraid to try darker shades, Danny.  You resist it but in the end you look great.

 DW:  I did like the dark gray one you made me try on.  But not the purple one.  It made me look like a gigolo.  Anyway blue’s still my favorite.

 SM:  It’s true, nothing makes your eyes sparkle like a blue shirt.

 DW:  And good company, of course.

 LG:  I feel like this thread has been hijacked by aliens.  

 TR:  Aliens who like menswear.  Danny, isn’t your date annoyed that you’re spending all this time texting?

 DW:  Oh, she left.  I’ll be home soon, I’m just picking up some ice cream for the Jurassic Park marathon.

 JR:  I’m so confused.

 SM:  Don’t overthink it.  But make sure Danny tries the pineapple pretzels.

[aion-rsa]

10 Best Fighting Game Movies

https://ift.tt/31CS0wp

Once upon a time, Bruce Lee, Jim Kelly, and John Saxon visited a crime boss’ private island to compete in a fighting tournament and it was awesome. The 1973 movie Enter the Dragon is basically the prototype for the fighting games like Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter. And when those fighting games became popular, they inspired their own movies that either tried to emulate Enter the Dragon or do something completely new.

The ‘90s gave us the cheesy live-action fighting game movies from Hollywood and the animated movies from Japan. There have been several live-action Mortal Kombat movies as well as a few animated ones. There have also been multiple Street Fighter movies, four attempts at Tekken, a trilogy of Fatal Fury films, and more.

Are most of them bad? Yes. But did we pick our 10 favorite fighting game movies anyway? You bet. Here are our picks:

10. ART OF FIGHTING (1993)

Eh…it’s harmless.

The Art of Fighting series is mostly defined by the twist that the first game’s final boss is the main character’s father and the second game’s final boss is a younger incarnation of the villain from Fatal Fury. Take away those aspects and you’re left with a rather lowkey storyline for a fighting game where a teenage girl is kidnapped by a mobster and is rescued by her brother and her boyfriend.

Wait, I said that weird. It’s two different people, I swear! Except in Capcom, where Dan Hibiki is literally both of them merged into one character.

In the 45-minute Art of Fighting movie about Ryo and Robert, who are like chiller and dopier versions of Ryu and Ken, we watch as the duo gets sucked into a plot about stolen diamonds, martial arts criminals, and angry police lieutenants. It doesn’t take itself seriously and it’s a fine, breezy watch.

Ryo’s incorrect hair color kind of irks me, though.

9. STREET FIGHTER ALPHA: THE ANIMATION (1999)

This movie suffers from the same problem as Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture. It features a cast of heroes from a fighting game taking on a villain created for the movie instead of the villains we actually give a shit about. But the movie does also have some brief but awesome cameos (Kim Kaphwan and Geese Howard from Fatal Fury and Dan Hibiki and Akuma from Street Fighter Alpha) to brighten up a less-than-stellar plot.

Street Fighter Alpha: The Animation does at least get by because the original characters play up Ryu’s whole fear about being overcome by “the Dark Hadou.” This leads to some cool animations where Evil Ryu looks like a mindless, shambling zombie but also an unstoppable fighting machine.

The movie’s main storyline is about a kid named Shun who claims that he’s Ryu’s long-lost brother. He too is a fighter cursed with an inner dark side, which is used as a red herring to suggest that Shun’s father (and presumably Ryu’s father) is actually Akuma. That ends up being bupkis and Shun is just linked to some scheme by a mad scientist or whatever.

Probably the funniest thing about this movie is the directors’ infatuation with Chun-Li’s midsection. She’s wearing her form-fitting Street Fighter Alpha costume and there are dozens upon dozens of random close-ups to her lower torso from the front and back. If this were a drinking game, it would kill you.

8. FATAL FURY 2: THE NEW BATTLE (1993)

Of the Fatal Fury movie trilogy, this one is easily the best, even if it makes all the good guys seem like a bunch of overly-serious crybabies. The basic story is that after having avenged his father’s death, Terry hits rock bottom, dusts himself off, and comes out the other end stronger. Good, good. Going Rocky III is the perfect direction for a follow-up.

The problem is that Terry comes off as a bit of a whiner and the other heroes try way too hard to vilify the movie’s main antagonist, who hasn’t actually done anything that terrible. Krauser shows up one day, challenges Terry to a fight, wins, and says, “Okay, when you get better, train and fight me again.” Krauser isn’t trying to take over the world or murder orphans or whatever. He’s just a dude with huge shoulder armor who wants a good fight.

But everyone acts like Krauser’s the absolute worst. Terry starts drinking and falls to pieces while his buddies hope to get revenge. What a bunch of jerks.

While a fun romp, the worst thing about this sequel is how they redesigned Krauser. Gone is his mustache and forehead scar for the sake of making him seem younger. Kind of a bullshit move, considering he’s supposed to be the half-brother to middle-aged Geese Howard.

7. TEKKEN: THE MOTION PICTURE (1998)

This hour-long anime is almost great but just can’t stick the landing. It runs into the same problem as Mortal Kombat: Annihilation where the game series tells a specific overall story but the movie cuts corners to tell the same story. Tekken: The Motion Picture covers the first Tekken while setting up Tekken 3 and skipping Tekken 2 completely.

It means that everything’s well and good until the confusing and rushed finale. Otherwise, the movie is a fine use of the Enter the Dragon formula. Heihachi Mishima has a special island fighting tournament and the entrants include his vengeful son, a couple of cops investigating the situation, a gigantic robot, an angry Native American girl, two feuding assassin sisters, and a bunch of awesome characters who only get about three full frames of appearances each. Really would have liked to see something from Paul, King, and Yoshimitsu, though.

Other than Kazuya being pissed at everything, the best scenes are the over-the-top ones. When Jack does crazy robot stuff, when dinosaurs show up and start eating people, and that memorable sequence where Heihachi catches a hatchet with his mouth and then shatters it with his jaw.

6. STREET FIGHTER (1994)

I know this movie is just a GI Joe script with Street Fighter names pasted over it. I know it’s a cheesefest of dopey ideas and Belgian accents. I’ve long accepted that. Thing is, the movie is still a total blast to watch. What it lacks in faithfulness to the source material, it makes up for with pure camp and ham.

The 16 characters from Super Street Fighter II are represented here, except Fei Long is replaced with the forgettable Captain Sawada. How ironic that the movie star character isn’t even in the movie!

In general, the movie features some head-scratching depictions of classic Street Fighter characters. All-American Guile is played by Jean Claude Van Damme, Charlie Nash and Blanka are the same character, Dee Jay is an evil hacker, Ryu and Ken are comedic conmen, and Dhalsim is a frumpy scientist.

It’s Raul Julia’s M. Bison who keeps this guilty pleasure afloat. He’s to Street Fighter what Frank Langella’s Skeletor was to Masters of the Universe. He gives 110% and his performance is easily the best reason to watch this movie. It’s truly a wonder to behold.

Read more

Games

The Forgotten Fighting Games of the 1990s

By Gavin Jasper

Games

King of Fighters: Ranking All the Characters

By Gavin Jasper

The movie is infamous for inspiring a fighting game based on it, but you know what nobody ever talks about? The Double Dragon movie also had a fighting game based on it made by Technos and released on the Neo Geo. And Double Dragon wasn’t even a one-on-one fighter to begin with!

Anyway, if you intend to sit back and watch Street Fighter, make sure to add in the RiffTrax commentary.

5. DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE (2006)

Enter the Dragon meets Charlie’s Angels is a heck of a concept, but DOA: Dead or Alive is so confidently tongue-in-cheek that it succeeds as an action comedy that’s way better than it has any right to be. Part of why it works is that Dead or Alive has never had much of an overarching storyline, but is more defined by the individual characters (plus, you know, all the cheesecake). Enough of those characters appear in what’s your regular “fighting tournament on a mysterious island” setup.

The whole thing moves with such energy that it’s easy to get sucked in. It’s the opposite of the live-action Tekken movie, where even though the film features accurate versions of all the characters, everything is so drab and lifeless that you just can’t wait for it to be over. In DOA, the combatants spend their downtime playing cartoony action volleyball with Fake Dennis Rodman on commentary, while in Tekken everyone mopes about dystopian capitalism.

Other than Helena’s character being “important dead guy’s daughter,” most of the main characters are charismatic enough to keep your attention during the 3% of the movie when fights aren’t happening. It must suck for Ninja Gaiden fans that Hayabusa is depicted as a total dweeb, but he at least gets to do some cool stuff here and there.

The movie also has Kevin Nash playing a character based on Hollywood Hogan and he’s so likeable that I’m genuinely bummed that he peaces out about halfway into the movie. Luckily, the movie is entertaining enough that I didn’t even notice until after it was over. It helps that during that time, we get more of Eric Roberts, his amazing hair, and his special sunglasses that turn him into the ultimate martial arts master.

Spoiler alert, but the secret to defeating him is, get this, removing his sunglasses!

4. MORTAL KOMBAT LEGENDS: SCORPION’S REVENGE (2020)

It took a while, but Warner Bros. Animation is on fire these days. After that Batman vs. TMNT movie and Teen Titans Go vs. Teen Titans, the studio appears to be hitting more than they miss. That’s exactly the kind of team needed to put together the latest animated Mortal Kombat movie.

This is the umpteenth retelling of the first game’s story. Not only does it have to compete with the first live-action movie, but also the events of Mortal Kombat 9, which depicts the tournament in cutscene format. Fortunately, Scorpion’s Revenge has a few tricks up its sleeve. First, it puts Scorpion in the forefront as the protagonist. He was barely a character in the original movie and the game just had him kill Sub-Zero and feel bad about it for the rest of the story mode. Now he feels like a character in a crossover, making a mark on the original story instead of being put in the sidelines.

We also have the wonderful stunt casting of Joel McHale as Johnny Cage. More importantly, Jennifer Carpenter plays Sonya Blade, which is such a step up from Ronda Rousey’s voice acting in Mortal Kombat 11.

This cartoon has a very hard R when it comes to violence. From the very beginning, Scorpion’s origins are gruesome and grisly. Once Jax is introduced, it doesn’t take long until we realize, “Oh, that’s how they’re dealing with THAT plot point in this continuity.” Then there’s a surprise villain death late in the movie that not only comes as a shocking development, but it’s so graphic and nasty that you can’t help but be taken aback.

Scorpion’s Revenge is a fantastic first chapter of what is hopefully a series of animated movies, but it does have its pacing issues. Scorpion being the protagonist may be a welcome change, but at times it does feel like a square peg being crammed into a round hole.

3. TEKKEN: BLOOD VENGEANCE (2011)

One of the best things about the Tekken series is the endings. While the cutscenes from the first couple games haven’t exactly aged well, these CGI epilogues have become a staple in nearly every installment. What better reward for your time and success than watching a rocking action sequence with Yoshimitsu and Bryan Fury killing each other in the jungle?

And so, to play to the series’ strengths, Bandai Entertainment released a Tekken movie that’s really just one big ending cutscene. It’s not canon, but it feels at home with the games.

Since Tekken’s main conflict is with two ruthless megalomaniacs (Heihachi and Kazuya) and a disgruntled nihilist (Jin), it’s hard to treat any of them as a real protagonist here. Instead, they go with Ling Xiaoyu, who is portrayed as the person who sees the good in Jin and wants him to see the light. She’s given a robotic BFF in Alisa Bosconovitch because Xiaoyu is kind of a tame character and needs someone with chainsaw arms and a jetpack to liven things up.

The first hour or so is good enough to keep your attention and its lightened up by a couple appearances by Tekken’s best character, Lee. But once it gets to the third act, it just becomes a completely awesome Heihachi vs. Kazuya vs. Jin fight, with Xiaoyu taking a backseat to watch all the crazy shit going on. It’s a full-on fireworks factory, as we not only see Devil forms of Kazuya and Jin but a very special final form for Heihachi that’s a true delight for Tekken fans.

2. STREET FIGHTER II: THE ANIMATED MOVIE (1994)

Let it be said that for someone who grew up in the ‘80s and ‘90s, finding a faithful cartoon adaptation of a video game property was not easy. Link and Simon Belmont were unlikable sexual harassers. Mega Man was a more annoying sidekick than Scrappy Doo. Mario and Luigi teamed up with Milli Vanilli. Power Team was…a thing. When we got an animated movie based on Street Fighter II, it was mind-blowing. This was a movie where the very first scene was Ryu tearing Sagat’s chest into a bloody gash thanks to a well-animated Shoryuken.

There’s a lot going on in this movie, but at the same time, nothing is going on. By this point, there were 17 characters in the various Street Fighter II games, and outside of a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it Akuma cameo, it feels the need to include every single one of them. Some get minor roles, like Cammy and Dee Jay. Then there’s Zangief and Blanka, who fight each other for no reason other than for the sake of giving them something to do. Even Ryu vanishes for a huge chunk of the runtime.

Once everything funnels into the third act, this movie is great. And the earlier fight scenes are straight fire too, including the memorable Chun-Li vs. Vega brawl. Even though the movie already feels true to Street Fighter II, it’s even better when you realize that it’s all supposed to be a prequel to the game itself.

Or at least I hope so. Otherwise, all Sagat gets to do is get his ass kicked by Ryu and get chewed out by Bison.

1. MORTAL KOMBAT (1995)

The stars truly aligned for this one. Mortal Kombat Mania was at its peak, so it makes sense that this movie was a retelling of the first game’s story with added aspects from the second game, all while hyping up the arcade release of the third game. CGI was such a novelty in Hollywood in the ’90s that even if it looked primitive, it still looked cutting edge at the time. It was the perfect time to release this movie.

But Mortal Kombat isn’t perfect. Reptile is embarrassing. Scorpion and Sub-Zero being relegated to goons still stings. I still roll my eyes at the part towards the end where Sonya is suddenly the damsel in distress and Raiden flat-out verbally buries her by saying she couldn’t beat Shang Tsung in a million years. Otherwise, it’s the perfect storm of ‘90s action garbage.

There are so many over-the-top and charismatic performances here. Johnny Cage, Raiden, Shang Tsung, Kano, and even Goro are a blast to watch. All 10 characters from the original game are given something to do and, most importantly, they realize how uniquely weird the game’s story is and actually dive headfirst into it. The movie isn’t embarrassed to be a Mortal Kombat movie but handles itself well enough that we aren’t embarrassed to be watching a Mortal Kombat movie.

Even with a PG-13 rating, the movie was violent enough. Kano talked up seeing a pile of frozen guts in the wake of a Sub-Zero fight, Scorpion got his skull sliced apart with demon brain goo spewing all over the place, and Shang Tsung got impaled to death.

With the reboot being rated R, going for the gore could very well be the right route to go, but for the love of the Elder Gods, don’t forget to have FUN. All I’m saying is, if even Johnny Cage isn’t hamming it up, then what’s the point?

The post 10 Best Fighting Game Movies appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[daisycandothings]

A twilight movie review, yes I know I am a decade late.

Hello, this is a review of the twilight movies. 

Okay now that nobody is reading this anymore, I have a note on how this will be formatted. Basically, I will have five sections where I go through and review each movie, and then I will have another section at the end where I look at the series as a whole.

I would also like to say that these are not good movies. Everyone here knows that. There is a lot of negative criticism out there and chances are, I agree with basically all of it. However, I do not want to say the same shit that everybody already says, that would be boring. People do not watch these movies because they are masterpieces of cinema, we watch them because it is fun to sit down with your family/friends and laugh when Jacob says “I am hotter than you” with a straight face. What I’m trying to say is I will not be analysing these academically so much as talking about what I enjoyed/didn’t enjoy about the surface level experience of watching them. Comparing these films to actually good masterful movies is like comparing kids playing floor hockey in gym class to olympic figure skaters. Like they just do not belong on the same scale

I really do want to take a look at these films on their own without the influence of the books messing with my opinion of them. 

Also, there will be spelling AND grammatical errors, I promise. 

Twilight the First One:

Good things:

This might be my favorite on its own. I just think the plot is probably the most exciting and it has the best split of drama, vampire bullshit, and fighting. I like the vampire family, I think they’re funny, and I actually genuinely think the baseball scene is a clever concept that is executed well. That scene, Anna Kendrick, and the dad are the high points of this movie, but Anna Kendrick and the dad are basically the high points of every movie they’re in, so I think I’ll speak on them later. 

Also I really like the soundtrack of this movie. To be fair I only remember two songs (what do you think, I was taking notes? I’m not a nerd) but those two songs were cool. The pieces in question were the electric guitar thing during the baseball scene and the lovely piano song™ . God do I fucking love that piano piece, I think there will definitely be a paragraph dedicated to that one song, you’re welcome. 

I like the hinting at the werewolf stuff in this movie.

Neutral:

The color saturation/tone (I don’t know movie words) were different in this movie. It’s like bluer. I don’t really know how I feel about it, its just kind of jarring to have this really blue movie and then move on to the next on and it’s normal idk.

Bad:

My biggest criticism is with the main characters. Like Bella and Edward have no chemistry, dude, I cannot name a thing that they bond over. Really their relationship only works because they are both hot, and the movie is relying on that in order to get the viewer to feel compelled by it, and I mean I guess it worked? I mean, I spent way more time wondering what Robert Pattinson’s hair product budget was than considering the fact that neither character had a substantial personality. 

I also have this weird issue with the pacing, maybe I’m an idiot and this is wrong, but it really seemed like Bella transferred at the beginning of the year. Then she meets everyone and like 30 minutes later we’re talking about prom? A spring event? And then the rest seems to take place over the span of like 2 weeks. Its just hard to tell how much time is passing at some points and I’m not a huge fan of that. 

“I like watching you sleep”

The effects are not good, but I don’t give that much of a shit, I just wish they’d been more obnoxious with the glitter. I’m not entirely sure I would have noticed if I lived in that world

I think that’s all I have to say here

Twilight New Moon

Good: 

Jacob is the best main character in this movie. He has personality traits, and his wolf transformation plot would be good if he weren’t such an asshole about it all the time. To be fair though, I have never been through such a transformation, so I can’t really judge. That said, I do like the scene where he freaks out at Mikey (that one blonde kid who decides to be a part of the series every once in a while).

Also there is some genuinely funny shit in here? Like, even moments that the movie actually intended to be funny. That guy, Harry, who hangs out with Charlie? He has some really great moments. Also the theater scene where Bella is sitting between Jake and Mike, and they both have their hand out hoping that Bella will hold it? That is just really funny. There’s obv more, but these are some highlights

Yes Jacob, please take off your shirt in order to dab the blood off Bella’s face. That seems like the best course of action to me. God the weird shit he does is really funny.

Bad:

Charlie’s friends keep dying, and his daughter is shitty and that makes me sad

The characters continue to have very little...well… character, not to mention actual development. I shouldn’t have to explain why that is a huge issue, especially for a movie that is primarily character driven. 

THIS MOVIE IS SO LONG. there were moments when I would just take a sec and be like. What is happening? What is this movie? What story is even being told here? God when is this going to be oveeeerrrrrrrrrr?

I’ve said a lot less here, but this is undoubtedly worse than the last one. 

Twilight Eclipse

Good:

The plot is built up a lot better in this one compared to the last two. In the last two, the main conflict wouldn’t even be fully introduced until like half an hour before the end of the movie. There was just a bunch of time that went by very slowly where basically nothing happened, and then all of a sudden there has to be a climax so the actual rising action takes place over a ten minute period, That's just weak writing, and this movie does not have that problem. 

I like the depth that we are given to the other members of the vampire family members. That said, Jasper was a confederate soldier, and you can not convince me that he isn’t racist.  

I think the scene where Edward and Jacob see eye to eye for a bit is pretty good if you disregard the fact that they really talk about Bella like an object. Like they spend so much time in this series just being NEEDLESSLY rude and mean; like you guys couldn’t even pretend not to hate each other for half a second? For real? Anyway, this scene kind of has them getting along and having a constructive conversation and I liked that. 

“Let’s face it. I am hotter than you” 

Neutral:

The plot is definitely more exciting in this one, but Victoria’s plan seems needlessly complex.

Are there other werewolves, or are the ones in forks just all of them? Like there seems to be this giant vampire government that spans the whole world, but the werewolves just have like ten kids in forks?

Bad:

I get that you all are natural enemies, and you are in love with the same girl, but god you guys don’t have to be such assholes to each other. 

Viewers are CONSTANTLY reminded that Edward just wants to protect Bella and that Jacob might be a better fit because she wouldn’t have to change. Like really hon? You’ve said this shit twelve times, but please go ahead and tell me again.

I know I was laughing about it before, but Jacob, can you please put a shirt on, it’s snowing.

The ring that Edward gives Bella is terrible, I would not wear it. 

Why did the cullens just let the volturi kill that girl? They shouldn’t have. 

*Sigh* and now we are at the really bad thing that I really didn’t like. TW for sexual assault. There is a scene where Jacob basically tells Bella that he kNoWS she likes him. She actively says that she DOES NOT, and then Jacob kisses her. THAT WASN’T CONSENSUAL. THAT WAS SEXUAL ASSAULT, BUDDY. Some people might say that she did actually want it, but if you look at her face during that kiss, she really doesn’t seem okay with it; in addition, she punches him after. BUT WHETHER OR NOT SHE WANTED IT DOESN’T MATTER!!!! SHE SAID NO!!!!

Then this yucky shit happens again, when Jacob finds out Edward and Bella are engaged, and Bella feels the need to kiss Jacob so he doesn’t do anything stupid. That is bad for obvious reasons. It is very frustrating because if it weren’t for these events, I would totally be team Jacob. 

Also I get you guys both love her, but I challenge you to tell me exactly what you love about her. 

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part One

Good:

This movie is fucking hilarious and amazing. I have watched all of the movies up until this point, and maybe it’s just the fact that this is my first time watching it, but this might overtake the first one. It’s great, I love it. 

As I mentioned, this movie is very funny, there are a lot of really good moments, Charlie and Anna Kendrick’s wedding speeches are amazing and I love them. There are a bunch of other ones that I cannot remember at the moment, but I promise it is great. 

 I also loved when Rosili (I’m sure I spelled that wrong) had to cut Bella open, and then she really wants to eat her blood. Very fun and also amazing for raising tension. 

I like that this movie is not pretending to be an action film. All of the other ones are mostly drama with a pretty shitty action plotline grafted over it. That does not happen here. It is literally just a romance movie that uses vampirism and werewolfery as an added layer of drama. The other movies do this, but they also have those bad action plotlines, so it feels like they are lying to me about being monster fighting movies when they are really just romance dramas. This movie KNOWS that it is just a romance drama and it owns it and I think that is cool.

I really liked the thing where we got those close up shots of bella’s blood vessels becoming vampire-y and stuff, I thought it was fun. Also when bella is having that dream about her wedding and everything is white and red and they end up on a pile of bodies? I cannot explain why, but I thought that looked really cool and it was kind of chilling which was the desired effect.

Seth and Leah, need I say more?

Lovely piano song ™ is BACK!!!

Neutral:

*sigh* Jacob. I have a strange relationship with Jacob. He constantly goes from being very cool to being very terrible. I will talk about this more later, but in this movie it was especially prevalent. He would say unnecessary, mean shit about the Cullens, and I would be like “god when did you become such an asshole?” and then he would leave because he didn't want to watch Bella destroy herself and I would be like “when did you get coOL?” and then he would tell Edward how much he wanted to kill him and I would be like “jesus, when did you become such an asshole?” and then he would distract the wolves so the Cullens could hunt and then I would be like “Yo dude, when did you get coooool again?” and then I would remember that he kissed Bella without consent and just……

There was a similar thing with Sam because at the beginning he was like, “the Cullens are fine,stop being such a little bitch about it, Jacob.” And then later on, he’s like “nvm we gonna kill this baby”

I know these are actually just character inconsistencies, but I’m not putting them in the bad section, no I will not be taking criticism.

Bad:

I wish they had told us more about stuff. Like they didn’t really explain why Jacob was so obnoxiously against them fucking. And Bella says it’s impossible for Edward to get her pregnant but umm how? Why? If that is the case, please explain to me why he is able to get her pregnant. Like this was the entire plot of the movie, and there was very little actual explanation which is annoying. I would like to understand the crux of your story, thanks. 

There was that thing where that woman from Argentina like, knew that Bella was carrying a demon baby. I feel like that is kind of painting woc as being mystical, and hey, that’s not great.

Jacob imprinting on a literal baby yes I know it is more complex than that, but still, come on stephanie. 

“EJ for Edward Jacob if it’s a boy” EWWWWWWWNODONOTNAMEYOURCHILDTHAT!

“Reneesme if it’s a girl” that’s good by comparison, but you set a super fucking low bar, my guy 

The wolf talking was uhh, pretty terrible. No thank you, sir. 

GIVE ME MORE CHARLIE!!!! WHERE IS OUR KING???!!! WHY ISN’T HE ON MY SCREEN?!!!

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part Two

Good: 

this movie is also a lot of fun. I liked meeting all the vampires from across the world, and I did like the plot more or less. I thought that it was exciting enough, and I have no issue with them splitting it into two movies, I actually liked it. There were two distinct plots with distinct tones, so I thought they were justified in the split.

I liked the opening montage. I thought their use of white and red (just as they did in part one) was very cool and chilling. In addition, the shot where Bella opens her eyes and adjusts to seeing in a vampire-y way is really cool. Like it makes me get why people like this franchise, like it’s cool!

Jacob is fucking awesome in this movie; basically because he isn’t attracted to Bella anymore, and so he is no longer attracted to Bella, so he isn’t constantly whiny and mean. I liked that he made up with Sam, and I do think the movie did a good job making the imprinting thing not weird. Jacob is just cool here. I REALLY liked that everyone was like “we gotta pretend Bella is dead” and he was like “no fuck that, charlie knows I’m a werewolf, and he’s on his way over to see her.” He is just constantly doing the right thing, and I love it. 

Lovely piano song™  

The fight scene at the end was fun to watch. It was by no means a masterful spectacle of choreography, but I liked it anyway. 

RAMI MALEK IS THE AVATAR?!!! I FUCKING LOVE IT!

Bad:

There were some moments where things were not explained all the way like there was this part where Jacob comments that more wolves are turning than before, and I was kinda like “wait what why” and then it is just not mentioned again. And I feel like there were a couple other moments like this that just felt like they were trying to say something from the book and then just didn’t have time to expand on it. Maybe I just missed something.

What made Alice think that only Bella would be smart enough to go to the book that the page is from? That was my first thought when she left that note.

The movie made it seem like the volturi really just wanted a reason to fight with them, and only Aro seeing himself get killed was able to deter him. But um… why? Why do the volturi give a shit about fighting the Cullens? Also I was a little annoyed with the final battle like for real dude? The ‘it was all in his head’ trope? Fuck that, if you are going to kill a bunch of good characters, at least commit to it yaknow?

I’m also not a fan of what they did with Alice. She just became a device to solve all of the problems. Like she leaves for the whole movie, comes back and fixes everything? That’s not good writing, mate. 

I wish that they told Charlie things. Like I wish he was in the loop. Speaking of.... GIVE ME MORE CHARLIE AND ANNA KENDRICK. SHE WAS NOT IN THIS MOVIE AT ALL!! FUCK THAT, HER CHARACTER IS GREAT. AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT, MORE LEAH AND SETH, TOO!!

As a series

Yes, watching these movies is so much fun despite all the dumb shit. In fact, it might even be because of the dumb shit. I would just like to make it very clear that I legitimately loved watching them, and I really liked writing about them as well. I say this because there have been (and there will be more) harsh criticisms.

This part will mostly be me venting.

Edward and Bella are both very bland, and Jacob is for sure, the most interesting of the main cast. 

Okay I don’t wanna spend too much time on this one, but Edward is 109 and Bella is like 17 when they meet. I don’t have to explain why that is kinda messed up. 

I really really wish that there had been more Carlysl (another spelling mistake I am sure), Emmet, and Alice. I liked them both a lot, and we don’t really get to learn about their backstories. There is also supposed to be this friendship between Bella and Alice, but I wish that had been fleshed out a lot more. I would have liked to see more bro time between them. 

I also wish there was more Seth and Leah. And let's throw in Charlie and Anna Kendrick for that matter. 

Not a fan of the way that threat of sexual violence is used with Bella in the first two, TW for minor discussion of that here. In the first one Bella runs into some guys who harass her, and Edward saves her. The thing is, he only knew it was happening because he was following her, and I’m not a fan of the narrative that perpetuates. In the next one, she actively seeks out a dangerous situation with a man, so that Edward might come save her, no thanks.

Green screens are used, and they are not always very good.

There are moments throughout the series where you are like “oh yeah, that is definitely a direct quote from the books” like when Jacob says “stop looking at me like that” “like what” “like I’m your favorite person in the world” like okay bro turn down the emo.

 Okay and now the most important thing, the lovely piano song ™. This is going to be the longest paragraph about it because this is possibly the most missed opportunity in the entire franchise (yes this is the type of person that I am). If you aren’t sure, the song in question is the one from the Ed/Bella relationship montage in the first movie, where Edward actually plays it on the piano. As I’m sure I’ve said, this piece of music is FUCKING AMAZING. Like it makes me actually quite emotional, and its association with the movies makes me feel more strongly about them. That is where the missed opportunity comes in because IT IS NOT IN NEW MOON OR ECLIPSE. Perhaps I just missed it, but I was making an active attempt to find it. It would have been ridiculously cool if they had used this song as Bella and Edward’s love theme. It would have been super cool if they had gradually added instruments throughout the series, making the piece grow and change, just like their love. It would have been so cool if they had added a counter-melody when Reneesme was born to symbolize the addition to their family. It would have been so cool if the closing shot was Bella and Edward in the field, and the original piano solo plays to remind us of the foundation of their love (and the series); cut to black and then the song plays through the credits for the main cast. God that would have been so cool, I get emotional just thinking about it. Instead, it is just a song they play sometimes when they want us to feel something. It works like that, but it isn’t as cool as it really could have been, which makes me sad. 

Alright that’s it everyone, holy shit that was a lot. I am going to give you two ratings. On a scale of 1-10, how good is the series? not better than a three. But MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY, on a scale of 1-10, how enjoyable are they to watch? At least a seven. 

If you read all of this you are great, thank you for dealing with me for this long, I did spend hours on this. 

[alindakb]

How Love Hurts - Chapter 5.5 - by Alinda

Draco picks up another box and places it on the counter. His new studio still needs a lot of work before he can open. Fiona and Janet were a little sad to see the sign on Draco’s studio in Cherhill saying he was moving to London. But it was impossible to keep it up. Muggles won’t get how he would be able to travel from London to Cherhill every day without losing half of his day. So Draco had packed up his camera’s, lamps and favourite pictures and found himself a nice little studio in London, only a couple of blocks from his new home.

The bell above the door rings when it opens. Without looking up from the box with paperwork Draco shouts that he’s not open yet.

“I’m not here to get my picture taken, Malfoy,” Charlie says.

Draco looks up and raises his eyebrows. “Harry isn’t here. He’s at home trying not to think about the fact that the summer holiday is starting next week and he has to stay home while I go and pick up Scorpius.”

Charlie walks to the wall covered with some of Draco’s best pictures. He looks at the one of the pregnant Janet and her wife Fiona. Draco remembers that day. How Harry had shown up at his studio, with his arm shaking and tears in his eyes. Begging Draco to be his friend because he didn’t have anywhere else to go. Draco still wishes he had taken a picture of how Harry had curled onto the sofa. It would have fitted into his collection of pictures of Harry Draco likes to take from time to time. From his scribbling in one of his notebooks. Of him decorating the Christmas tree with the children. Or the one of Harry asleep on the sofa in Grimmauld Place after they painted Scorpius and Albus their room.

“Ron said you were good. I didn’t really believe him at first, but these pictures are amazing,” Charlie says while he looks at a picture of a model in the woods.

“Thank you,” Draco answer.

“You only do muggle pictures?”

“Yes, the magic world doesn’t really like me. I would have no clients if I would take wizarding pictures. And this is more challenging. Everything needs to be perfect in that one second you take the picture.”

Charlie nods his head and turns towards the counter. “I’m sure Ron already gave you the speech, but I’ll like to double it. If you hurt Harry in any way I’ll make sure nobody ever finds your body. Don’t care that it will leave Scorpius without parents. Harry loves you and lost almost everything because of you, so you better be prepared to love him till the day he dies.”

“I will,” Draco says. And he means it. He can’t think of a life without Harry. Draco wouldn’t know what to do with himself if he had to go on without him. He wants to grow old with Harry, wake up every morning next to him until they’re two grey men that will only get out of bed because they want to visit their children and grandchildren.

“Yeah, I figured. I’ve seen how you look at him. And Hermione told me how you fought her and that lawyer when they said there was nothing left to fight about the court ruling. It shows how much you care about Harry. It must have been hard to stay away from most of that,” Charlie says as an afterthought.

“You have no idea,” Draco answers. He shakes his head while he thinks back to that day. “I think I drove Mila crazy on that day. She just kept unpacking boxes to calm my nerves, pretending it was just a normal day.”

“Oh, yes Mila and Toby, isn’t it? Hermione complains about them a lot.”

“Really, she knows they are free elves, right. I pay them for their work and they have their own rooms. And they wanted to move with me to Grimmauld Place, it’s their own choice. What more does she want?”

“Don’t ask me, she’s crazy when it comes to house-elves.”

Draco and Charlie both laugh. When would Hermione not complain about house-elves? Even after all these years she still hasn’t managed to convince the Wizengamot that all elves should be set free.

Charlie turns towards the album on the counter and opens it. He looks at the pictures of families until he reaches the one Draco took of Harry with his children and Scorpius at Christmas. Draco watches as Charlie stares at it. “Merlin balls, I’ve never seen him this happy,” Charlie whispers. He turns away from the counter and pushes his hand through his hair.

“He’ll never be that happy again if he can’t be a father to his own children,” Draco says. It’s what scares Draco the most, the fact that he might never see Harry smile like that again. That slowly, over the years to come, Harry will start to hate him from taking this from him. And there is nothing Draco can do to change it.

Charlie shakes his head and turns back to face Draco. “Yeah, I know. Ron and I have been trying to talk some sense into Ginny, but she’s just as stubborn as our mom. She even asked me last week when I would finally settle down with some nice girl. Like she doesn’t know I’ve been living with the same man for the past ten years.”

“Keep an eye on James for us this summer,” Draco says. He doesn’t know if James has told anyone else after his little visit to Harry, but it was clear he was going to tell his mom this summer. And if what Charlie says is true, James is going to need all the support he can get.

“So he finally told someone else, good for him,” Charlie says.

“You knew?” Draco asks. His eyebrows are raised and he can’t believe what Charlie is saying. The way Harry told what happened it sounded like Harry was the first person James ever told.

“Yeah, he wrote to me last summer,” Charlie says. He smiles at Draco and puts his hands in his pockets. “We’ve been exchanging letters ever since. He never said it in that many words, but he didn’t need to. If your little cousin starts asking how you knew you were gay and how I deal with the stupid questions of our family, it’s not that hard to figure out.”

“I wish the wizarding world had grown up with the muggle world in this case. But seeing how they took away all Harry’s rights just because he’s living with a man now, tells us how bigoted the wizarding world still is. At least nobody at the dragon camp cares. At least not enough to make an issue out of it.”

“It wasn’t just because I’m a man, you know that,” Draco tells Charlie. He looks at the counter. Draco can’t change what he did in the past no matter how much he would like to, but it didn’t help Harry in his fight against an unjust system.

“It’s stupid they can’t see you’re not that scared little boy you were during the war. It’s like they don’t remember you guys were still in school when all that shit went down. What were you supposed to do? Go against your own parents and the evilest wizard ever knowing he would kill everyone you love if you did? If it had been my parents, my family, I would have done everything I could to keep them alive, even if that meant doing things I didn’t really want to.”

It’s nice of Charlie to see it that way, but Draco can’t help but correct him. He made horrible choices back then, but they were his own choices. They might have been for the wrong reasons, but back then he believed in those reasons. “Maybe, I don’t know. I made a lot of wrong choices back then. If I had known back then what I know now, I might have done things differently. But back then, I thought I was right protecting the way of life I grew up in.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Charlie shakes it off. “I don’t care about that, just about who you are now.  And don’t worry about James. I’ll make sure nobody tells him there’s anything wrong with him. And I’m not giving up on convincing Ginny to give Harry visitation rights. Those kids need their dad. And it’s clear they don’t care he’s with you. And seeing this picture, I get why. I don’t think he ever smiled like that when he was with Ginny.”

Draco wants to tell Charlie how his little sister was no good for Harry. How Harry’s back is covert in scars she left there. It takes all his will power to keep quiet. For some reason, Draco thinks Charlie will believe him if he told him. He’s different from the other Weasley’s. Sees more than the others. Maybe it’s because he’s been on the outside of it all for so long, part of the family but not really welcome. Draco doesn’t know, he’s just glad Harry still at least has him and Ron. It’s less than he’d had before he fell in love with Draco, but maybe it’s enough for him to not start hating Draco for all the pain he’d cost him.

“Did you ever suspect that Harry wasn’t as straight as everyone made him out to be?” Draco asks. He needs to know. Until now it had only been Hermione who hadn’t been surprised by this.

Charlie laughs. “Yeah, figured that out during the Quidditch world cup. The way his eyes would follow a hot guy just like mine was indication enough that he didn’t only liked girls. And now, I think maybe I should have talked to him back then. He’d hidden this away for all this time. Even Ron never really believed him when he told him he was bi. The stupid fucker. I’m glad they worked things out.”

“Me too, for a moment I was afraid they would drop him as the rest of your family did.”

Charlie and Draco stare at each other for a moment until Charlie starts flipping through another album with pictures, this one filled with nature shots. “You should come to the dragon camp one day. Take some shots of the boys trying to tame some dragons.”

Draco nods. “Maybe, once things calm down over here. Right now my only concern is making sure Harry doesn’t do anything else reckless or stupid.”

“Well if you ask me, I think he did the smartest thing he could ever do by following his own heart for once,” Charlie says before he disappears through the door. Draco stares at the door for some time. Did Charlie really just said that Harry choosing him over Ginevra was the smartest thing Harry ever did?