#and then when i talk to myself and inanimate objects you all start thinking i have a boyfriend?

[freakywonbin]

man why does my family treat me like im not a human :(((

[hysteria-things]

✿ PROMISE? ✿ PART SIX.

ʚ♡ɞ 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 | 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 | 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 | 𝐍𝐄𝐗𝐓 ʚ♡ɞ

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: chris x fem!reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: you and chris hang out after what feels like forever, and he finds something personal of yours under the bed. because he’s nosy, he can’t help but open it.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: swearing, that should be it :)

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 2,034

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: changing up some things…

(dividers by @strangergraphics)

𝐂𝐇𝐑𝐈𝐒 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐒 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃 𝐈𝐍 disbelief, the nostalgia hitting him like a truck. nothing and he means nothing has changed about your house from when you guys were little. hell, there still was the wall by the doorway where it had your heights written in pencil. it faded throughout the years, but it’s still visible. his heart hurts when he realizes it stops at age ten.

the both of you talked as if you guys didn’t stop talking at all. “let’s chill out in my room.” you say, grabbing his hand and guiding him up the stairs.

although he was in here the other day, he didn’t get to really look around until now. your room captures you perfectly. you sigh, sitting down on the mattress that is filled with stuffed animals. you pat the spot next to you for him to take, and he does. “sorry if it’s messy.” you bite the inside of your mouth before speaking again. “now what? i was never a good host.”

“whatever you want to do.”

groaning, you get up and wipe your palms on your pants. “what i want to do is go pee. i’ll be right back.”

walking out of the room, you leave chris there alone. he rose himself off the bed and slowly walked around. he laughs to himself. he realized you became more comfortable with him again in the short hours you’ve been together, despite recent events. next to the closet door, there’s a bookshelf with a ton of books on it. the same bookshelf that was filled with dr. suess and harry potter. now, it’s filled with… interesting.

he leans down, reading the spines with furrowed brows. twisted games? the nanny? icebreaker?

stay curious for this one, chris.

next to the flatscreen TV on the wall, you have a lot of other stuff hanging up, one being your varsity award for volleyball. two pictures however stood out to him — besides the dinosaur with sunglasses painting you also have hung up. one of them is a polaroid of you and nate, recently took at the local fair. chris makes a face at that.

the other photo is of these two kids, roughly the age of seven. they look like twins; boy and girl. the rest of your family doesn’t live here, hence all of the pictures of them. because chris does nightly facebook searches to keep up, he noticed these are your cousin’s twins.

smiling softly, he thinks about how much you love your family. you’ve always been a family person, even if they aren’t here. he understands what that’s like. being in L.A. while everybody else is in boston sucks, but luckily they got a few months to be back home.

as he turns around to sit back down on the bed, he sees a notebook sticking out from under it. he doesn’t want to look through your belongings, but curiosity got the best of him. he bends over to pick it up and open it while lowering himself to sit down.

there is a note on the inside of the cover.

he skims through the pages to see how much you wrote and it is a good amount. he stops when the handwriting suddenly changes, meaning that you stopped writing for a while. the other entries had smudges on them except for the ones he landed on. this one must be new.

so, he started to read.

dear journal,

i’m sorry i ditched you for about a year and a half. i don't have an explanation for it, but lately, i’ve been itching to write. i remembered i had this journal - thanks to my cousin bethany for getting you for me for my 9th birthday. i know you’re an inanimate object, but i forgot how relaxing it is to write down my thoughts for nobody except myself.

i can’t help but cringe at what i wrote in the past, and i sincerely apologize.

“i can’t wait to marry kevin one day!”

“omg, he talked to me today!”

“i think we’re going to be together forever!”

i’m gagging just rethinking that moment. come on now.

anyway, life has been crazy lately. shoutout to the sturniolos for ditching me and acting like we didn’t grow up together! appreciate you guys for real. i’m exhausted.

the thing is, i always had trouble sleeping. i know i just said i’m exhausted, but it’s 3 AM and suddenly it feels like i’m wide awake. i just know i’m going to be grumpy for the next few days. a lot has happened ever since they left. i’ve changed, and i hate/love it at the same time.

i’ve been going out more, doing shit i shouldn’t. (don’t tell my parents…) something also happened a while ago that’s still a blur. i can’t put my finger on it. all i remember is that the police came to my door and asked me a ton of questions about somebody.

anyway, life has been happening too fast. i would appreciate it if it slows down a tad. on the upside, my mom said the rest of the family is coming here soon. i don’t know when, but soon. bethany would for sure be happy to hear i’ve started writing here again.

my thoughts are draining the second i write things on this paper, so i’m going to try and get sleep. i’ll update you whenever i can.

- y/n

⋆⁺₊⋆ ✿ ⋆⁺₊⋆

dear journal,

me again: at approximately 4 AM. today has been something else, let me tell you. my mom came up to me yesterday and told me some unfortunate news. can you guess who’s back in town? if you guessed my lovely besties, you’re correct! and do you know whose birthday it is, meaning i have to go to the party? you’ve guessed it! my BFFs!

doesn’t help that i’m on my period right now. i can’t do this shit.

either way, i had to be there for nate. he’s the one that stuck around. marylou will forever be the original best friend in my opinion. she stuck around, too. it’s her children i got a bone to pick with. (except justin. he’s cool.)

seeing them in person for the first time in so long had me tweaking. i admit that i was a bitch to them at the party, and not to be a bitch now, but they deserved it. however, when i saw chris, my first thought was about how he’s such a cutie still. i hate my mind for that.

i tried to ignore them for the rest of the party, and it was semi-successful.

- y/n

⋆⁺₊⋆ ✿ ⋆⁺₊⋆

dear journal,

you will not believe this. nick messaged me on instagram saying how sorry they were and asked to meet up at my house. for whatever reason, i said yes and they came over. we sort of cleared everything. key word, sort of.

they said they wanted me back in their life and apologized for what they did. i still need to give it time, but we do want to start hanging out again soon. i missed those dorks.

that’s until chris stopped me and asked for the note he wrote to me when we were little. the note he promised me to keep, and i obviously did. i’ll tape it here.

this little piece of paper is my favorite thing anybody ever gave to me.

- y/n

⋆⁺₊⋆ ✿ ⋆⁺₊⋆

dear journal,

sorry, i left you hanging for a few days, a lot happened in such a short amount of time.

long story short, jaiden and claudia invited me to a party. chris texted me while i was there. he seemed a bit weirded out about why i was at finn yaw’s party, but i hope he knows i wasn’t there for any specific reason. i do appreciate that he cares about my well-being, even after the downfall.

i got home not long ago and he’s texting me as i’m writing this. he just asked me to hang out tomorrow which shocked me a little, but i said yes.

not going to lie, i’m excited to hang out with chris, even though i have no idea what we’re doing. hopefully, it goes well.

- y/n

chris snaps out of it as he hears you walking back into your room, making him shove the book back under the bed. he feels kind of honored to be a part of your little notebook. “sorry, that took longer than i wanted. i had to deal with something.” you say, sitting down on the bed with a sigh. you furrow your eyebrows at him. “why are you smiling like that?”

“smiling like what?”

“like… that,” you say, circling your finger that was pointing at his face.

“no reason.” he shrugs “anyway, what’s next on the y/n agenda?”

you look around the room while biting the inside of her cheek. “are you hungry? my dad made ribs last night and it’s to die for.”

jumping up from the bed, you motion him to follow you. you walk into the kitchen, flicking on the four light switches that are on the wall. you waltz over to the fridge and open it, going on your tippy toes to grab the container on the top shelf. “how many do you want?” you ask, going on your tippy toes once again to grab paper plates in the upper cabinet.

“three is fine. do you need help?”

you shake your head. “no, i got it.”

chris stands by the island that separates the kitchen from the dining room. he leans against it, watching you plop three ribs onto his plate and only one on yours. you take his plate in your hands and reach up to the microwave. you stick your tongue out and groan. you’re struggling because of how short you are since the microwave is on the wall above the oven.

“i got it.” he chuckles, grabbing the plate from your hand and sticking it in the microwave. his hand grazes the side of your arm as he puts in two minutes and presses start. you cross your arms without looking at him. “i could’ve gotten it.”

“yeah, right.”

sitting there for two minutes feels like ten before the microwave finally goes off. you start running to the microwave but he stops you. “i don’t want you to hurt yourself by reaching for it. i got it.”

he takes the plate out and feels a rib with his finger. he nods. “it’s good.”

“okay.” you say with a low tone. he looks towards you to see you staring at your rib that still lies cold on the plate. “what’s wrong?”

“i don’t think i want this anymore.” you quickly open the container, plop it back in, and stick it back in the fridge.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ✿ ⋆⁺₊⋆

𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐍𝐃 sitting in your room, matt had to come pick his brother up. you and chris are currently standing on the front porch, having one last word with each other. matt is waiting in the van at the end of the stairs.

“it was nice hanging out with you again,” you say shyly. “we should get everybody back together soon.”

“i agree.” he smiles “i’m sure i’ll text you later.”

getting closer to him, you pull him into a hug. it was abrupt, but he hugged you back of course.

then, the horn of the van beeps causing you to jump and pull away. “can you hurry the fuck up? nick is waiting for us at home and is obnoxiously annoying. mom also made dinner.” matt screams from the window.

“i’ll see you around,” chris says, jogging down the stairs. he gets in the passenger seat and grabs the seat belt to strap himself in. matt waves to you, which you graciously return.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ✿ ⋆⁺₊⋆

𝐈𝐓 𝐃𝐈𝐃𝐍’𝐓 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐅𝐎𝐑 them to get home. they live close to your house, and the duration is no longer than five minutes. he takes off his shoes at the door as his phone vibrates from getting a text.

y/n😶‍🌫️

thanks for today

i had fun :)

𝐭𝐚𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭!

@bunbunbl0gs @lexisecretaccx @thy-mission @angelic-sturniolos111 @sophssturn @mattsneezing @janiellasblog @blahbel668 @meg-sturniolo @mattslolita @sturnbaby @imwetforyourmom @tillies33ssss @sturnifyed @raysmayhem-72 @ripmattitude @p1xieswrld @alorsxsturn @txssvx @sttzee @multiluvr @delilahprentiss @matthewsspecial @sturnolio-luvs @sturniolho @suga-daddy-69 @tworosesblackthorn @luckistar-posts @gnxosblog @junnniiieee07 @sturnioloslurps @tylerthecreatorsrealwife @flowerxbunnie @imaslut4kehlani @sturniolosandmoree @hertvgirl @whoreforchrissturniolo @hearrtsturns @stars4matt @freshsturns @loverrsposts @sturnlcvr @elliesturniolo1 @tpvmz @user283926392 @lalalands86 @sukiipjs @sturniologirl813 @leahrab @chrissturniolosslut @h3arts4harry @sturnioloblogs @creamoncreamoncream2 @ivyyyyyysposts @mirxcle1 @iluvm4ttsturni0l0 @catalina-island @mbsbaby @mattsdollie @pinkfarts @slut4mattsturn @thesturniolos @vickeyzloserz @nononopenono1 @bitchydragonparadise @gdsvhtwa @hrt-attack @bellasfavbisexual @dwntwn-strnlo @venusbabysblog @meerkatzthings @crazychrisl0v3r @maggieflms @strtuniolo @mutualsafe @riasturns @sturniolowhore @antpile00 @ashley9282828 @stingerayyy2 @sturnsjtop @luverboychris @yapperchris @imaslutforoldermen @madisonlovesyouu @poetatorturadaa @chr1sgirl4life @hiimolivia @jo-777 @sturnskiss @st4rgrlll @mattyblover07 @sm-ec @mattluvsmarni @knowingnothingnoel @mattsgirlfrieeend @bambi-slxt @sturnstvr @sturnclouds @bernardsbendystraws

[threepandas]

Bad End: Screen Demons

Giggles echoed through the empty halls. Unhinged and static-y. Everything smelled of copper and viscera. Stale air and fear. The final moments of these poor souls, had not been kind ones. Somewhere, not far from where I was trapped, I could hear dripping. Unsteady. I hoped... I prayed... it was water.

I had already smashed every screen in this room. Ripped out every reflective surface. Security cameras, shards of glass, bottles. Every single thing the average person forgets, when warned against "reflection" based threats. There were more then you'd think.

Even your own eyes could be a problem, depend on how powerful they were. You may have to fight blind. There were specialists. I, however, was no such individual. I was a CONSULTANT. Company wanted to both keep compliance and cut costs. I'd been requesting a team for over a year. Getting denied. "We'll look into it." And "gotta check the budget".

All while they go on another yacht vacation.

Well, now? NOW the inevitable happened. I had been stretched too thin. Couldn't check all the sites in a timely enough manner. Someone, somewhere, got DISGRUNTLED. Started listening to a little voice they shouldn't have. One that PROMISED them things. Love, power, revenge. Just do this oooone little thing.

THEY'RE not like those OTHER Demons! Promise!

Ha!

I got here too late. Far, far too late. Everyone was already dead. Whole satellite facility overrun. Didn't even REALIZE until I found the first body. And by then? I was too far from the door.

They sealed me in.

The only, ONLY, reason I survived those first few hours? Was because of my safety suit. It got SHREDDED. But? They have my patronage for LIFE. I counted no less then fifteen blows that SHOULD have killed me. Claws, fangs, curses, the WORKS. I used every single off hand trick my professors ever mentioned. Plan to buy them all flowers... assuming I live.

Fell back to a defensible position. Like you're supposed too. Set up a camp. Armed myself. Took stock of supplies. Risked my life, nearly lost a LIMB, to get to the emergency communications system. The warded one.

Fucking IDIOTS had kept it in a SAFE. Yeah, it's expensive. Really expensive. But that wasn't were it goes! For a REASON. This! SPECIFICALLY! Is the reason! This happening RIGHT HERE! But did I get it? Fuck YEAH I got it. Will have the scars to PROVE that for the rest of my life.

And? It worked like a CHAMP. I could kiss it. Make sweet, sweet, sloppy love to it. Inanimate object be damned. We would have a spring wedding, honeymoon in the fall, go fuckin apple picking. It would be BEAUTIFUL. Is that the blood loss talking? MAYBE! There are A LOT of wards to set up! I'm fucking terrified!

But Cental Supernatural Suppression is ON THE FUCKING LINE. And the C.S.S. does NOT fuck around. I've never called their emergency line before. Never wanted to be in a situation where I HAD too. But the calming voice on the other end? Helps. Walks me through ward set up I NEVER would have been able to do on my own.

There is a rescue team being sourced to get me out and back up to put this thing back where it belongs.

And... and if I cry? When they tell me I'm going to be okay? That's between me and the blood stained walls.

All the while, that THING laughs and coos. It can feel my fear. My desperation. And? The most fucked up thing? Is that it looks like a fucking "waifu". Some vampire e-girl I think, from a show. Whoever had unleashed this thing had... they had been lonely. Wanted connection. And I want to say ugly, UGLY things because I am scared.

But that is how THEY fucking win.

So I won't. I will not judge. I will not sneer. Won't let my fear turn to anger. Lash out at the dead. Someone who was hurting. Who made a terrible, fatal, mistake. They just... just wanted CONNECTION. Someone to listen. And this THING preyed on that. Fed on it.

"Muuu~, don't be like thaaat~! I was just giving them what they WANTED! They SAID they wanted to be Together Forever~! Now~. We~. Are~!" Coos a cutesy voice from speakers throughout the building. My room is the only room without them. "You're being so MEAN. I just want to LOVE yooou~! Don't you want to LOVE me? You've lasted so LONG! So COOL~☆ I should give you a biiiiig kiss! He he~"

Kiss. Right. Says the Demon pretending to be a vampire girl.

She never STOPS. It's been hours. And still she's trying to convince me to leave my bunker of wards. Compliments. Threats. Mimicry. For the last six? She pretended there was another survivor. You know... one she was torturing. Classic "I'll STOP if you come get them. Don't you want to STOP me? Save them?" Shtick.

Ha! As though life sign detectors aren't the FIRST thing we're told to make, once a safe zone is established. There's no one in this building but me. I have a week's work of rations from smashing vending machines in the break room. Would have had more, but my flare died faster then anticipated thanks to her constant direct attacks.

"Aaaaw, are you ignoring me? You're making Kimi-tan SAD~! You big MEANIE! Why you got to be like that? Some~Thing~ I~ diiiiiiid~?" She continues, before breaking off into cackles. The sound discordant and rapidly changing pitch. Distant speakers whining and crackling with the strain of it. "It's not like they didn't deserve it. They ALWAYS deserve it~! They summoned ME!!"

Yeah. After you fed off them. Called to them. Built up their loneliness and pain, until it actually seemed reasonable. Try your lies on someone who didn't SPECIFICALLY go to school for this, you hellfire shit.

"Well, that's not nice."

I choke on the scream I know won't save me. Scramble back. Away, away, AWAY! There, in the doorway. Stands a glitching manifest of the Demon herself. Pale, wrong, and impossible. She's-! She was-! IS a reflection demon! The sort of power MANIFESTATION costs?? Oh god. What have I walked INTO?!

"I wonder, Dar~ling~," she muses, eyes unblinking as she stares me down. "How long you can survive me? I bet it's REAL long. Bet you'd be FUN to break. You know~? If you're cute enough? I might just KEEP you! Like a little pet. Bet I could make you a demon, easy!"

A hand comes up, single finger out, to lazily trace the air between us. Holy light violently rejecting her. BURNING her. Yet it clearly doesn't bother her, even as the tip of her finger sizzles and cooks. Instead, she lazily traces shapes in the light. Watching me. Contemplating. Deciding if it's worth it.

"Thoooough? I DO like you like this. You're like a little mouse in a cage. All terrified and alone. It's cute. I never did get why the others got so obsessed over hunting you guys." Pulling back her finger, she smiles.

It splits her face farther then it should.

"I think I get it now."

[boydepartment]

Pastry- Jungwon x Fem! Reader

a/n: HELLLLP WHAT IS WRONG W ME. another comfort fic 😨 this is moreso inspired by this post! when i was sad an old friend tried to get at me lolz ITS NOT LOLZ ITS ACTUALLY REALLY UPSETTING BUT ILL GET OVER IT !

MASTERLIST

wc- 750???? again half of this was written on phone so idk

warnings- insecurities, reader gets objectified, jungwon reassures her she’s much more than what she thinks people see her as. i’m sorry to anyone who has ever felt like this. i assure you, you’re more than that, and the person who made you feel like this- isn’t worth shit.

song- what was i made for by billie eilish

You sat on your couch with your head in your hands, you had just finished texting an old friend. The thought of texting an old friend previously made you so giddy. However, you quickly found their one motive to talk to you. You felt so grossed out and used in a sense. Of course, you didn’t give them anything, but that fact didn’t make that painful feeling go away. You think what hurt the most was that you didn’t expect that from them.

Immediately trying to get at you; offended you, as it would offend most people. You took a deep breath and laid down on your side. You tried to close your eyes to make the feeling go away. When you felt someone looking at you, you opened your eyes.

You saw Jungwon staring at you from the floor, he was leaning on the couch and all you could see was his cat-like eyes. His eyes gave you enough of a clue that he was confused at your state. You sighed and rolled on your back.

“Do you think people just think I’m pretty?”

Jungwon made a noise before standing up to look over you, “what do you mean?”

You sighed and rolled back on your side, Jungwon followed your lead and went back to leaning on the couch looking at you.

“I feel like I am just an object.”

Jungwon felt his fist clench a bit, “who made you feel like this?” He never failed to get upset when you were mistreated by someone. Jungwon couldn’t put you in a bubble and protect you from all harm though, this is life and shit happens sometimes. He’s just lucky enough to be in your circle.

You looked away from him, itching your hands like you had a plague, “I don’t know…”

“Y/n… You are a horrible liar.” Jungwon deadpanned and grabbed your hands softly to stop them from scratching.

“That old friend I was telling you about.” You mumbled, Jungwon’s grip tightened.

“The one you were excited about?”

You nodded and you felt your tears well up, “I feel gross, so gross, I don’t know why I even thought that they would want to talk to me again for any other reason. I feel like a stupid obje-“

“Y/n…” Jungwon got up and sat next to you, you sat up and leaned on him. Your hair was a mess, and your hoodie and shorts were disheveled. You felt as bad as you looked.

“They are stupid for objectifying you.” Jungwon started, his thumb rubbing your palm, “you are so much more than a pretty face, you have brains, you are really funny, and you have a dorky personality. You aren’t just pretty; you are so much more than that.” His voice was quiet, he didn’t want to raise it in fear you would just keep getting upset, “if they are stupid enough to make you feel like this, like an inanimate object, they are so stupid.”

“Thank you…” You mumbled and leaned your head on his shoulder, “I’m just tired of this… I don’t think people like me for me I feel like they just want to get something- anything- out of me. I’m so tired of it…”

“I know… I wish I could take that feeling away and give it to myself so you don’t have to feel like this anymore…” Jungwon looked down at your guys’ hands. He truly did want to take this feeling away from you and give it to himself. He’d rather deal with it for you. He didn’t want you to feel this way anymore.

You watched as he rubbed his thumb against the back of your hand, “I’m sorry you have to hear about me moping around…”

“No don’t be sorry… I want you to talk to me when you feel like this… Talk to me so I can listen and help…” Jungwon felt like he was made to help people, including you.

“Thank you Wonnie…”

He smiled softly at you, “are you hungry or want water or anything?”

“Can we get tea? Or a pastry?” You rubbed your eyes. Jungwon helped you.

“We can get as many pastries and cups of tea as you want.”

[jiraisupportgroup]

First off, I love your blog and feel so grateful for your posts! Thank you so much for all that you do 💖

The second thing I wanted to mention was a request for a type of post, sorry if you have already covered this topic before since I'm a newer follower

Can you write a post about how to sleep or cope with nighttime as a mentally ill person?

To be more specific -

I have intense emotions that can make relaxation in general hard. If I get into an argument at night, it makes sleep hard because I'll be too angry or upset to shut my mind off. Or even if I don't have an argument, maybe I'll be upset or anxious about something that hasn't happened yet. Like I'll just be feeling bad because of some thoughts in the back of my mind and there's no way to really fix it.

I have trouble calming my mind down and when I don't have enough distractions, my mind starts running through worst case scenarios and my paranoia and emotional issues get worse. I have a lot of trouble with traditional sleep advice like "Just close your eyes and meditate" because my mind always feels so loud and chaotic.

I just feel like there's no way to quiet down my mind and get enough rest, and of course being sleep deprived makes me turn into a grouch around people, which leads to more arguments and disagreements, which then causes more negative emotions that make me angry and prevent me from feeling calm, etc…

Thanks in advance if you're able to help out!

Thank you so much for your kind words ♡♡♡

I used to be much the same way back in high school / the first few years of college to be honest, and it sucks. Hyperactive minds are hard to deal with, but the more you tackle it the easier it gets, I promise, you will get there this is not forever.

I put together some ways to ground yourself and kind of write through situations in this post I know it's not really "go to bed" material but I hope it can help a little bit.

As far as specifically for sleeping goes, one of the things that helped me a lot was setting a timer. I would set a timer for 3 minutes and say "Okay, nothing bad is going to happen if I don't worry about this thing for 3 minutes". And so for those 3 minutes, I would try to think about other things, and if the thoughts came back I would tell myself "My 3 minutes aren't up yet". And then I extended it to 5 minutes, and then 10 minutes, and then 15 minutes. It's a bit of a weird one so I don't know how well it would work in general, but it's worth a shot.

Another one I would do, because a lot of my anxiety was based around needing to do things or be productive, told myself sleeping is productive. I would just lay in bed and be like "Sleeping is productive I can't do the things I need to do if I don't sleep so I need to get some sleep". I could see this backfiring depending on how determined your brain is to fuck you over, but again possibly worth a shot?

In terms of distraction, I used to fall asleep listening to podcasts or videos on youtube and mentally repeating the words they were saying back so I couldn't think about other things. Sometimes this worked, but sometimes it would keep me awake and I would spend hours just repeating youtube videos in my head, but worth a shot. A lot of people recommend trying to avoid distracting yourself to fall asleep but it reaches a point where it's like if nothing else is working do what you need to do to fall asleep, ya know?

The last one is something my theatre teacher back in high school told me about for some reason? It sounds really weird but hear me out: imagine two inanimate objects having a conversation. Counting or imagining mundane tasks to fall asleep never really worked for me because my brain would give up on that and start being mean again, so she suggested imagining two inanimate objects talking to each other and telling each other about their day and what they were used for. It takes up just enough brain power that it works pretty well for me. Like two chairs talking, and one of them is like "Yeah I was used at a high school assembly they were having a dumb meeting about the dress code" and the other one is like "I mean that sounds more interesting than what I do, I just sit in an empty cubicle all day long". Get creative with it.

Anyway, I'm not too sure how helpful any of this is but hopefully, something helps ♡ I really feel for you and I hope you're able to get the sleep you deserve soon ♡

[peppermint-rat]

I just realized it's officially been ten years since I properly left the mormon church. I don't remember the specific date because it was kind of a "I haven't believed any of this for a while why am I still going" but it did happen in 2013.

Escape-the-cult story time?

So, as I can with a few great things in my life, I can trace it back to a silly little comic series I started sort of by accident. It was about Left 4 Dead, specifically about me just barely escaping death by befriending the infected in cartoonish ways. It kind of really blew up unexpectedly. Suddenly I had an audience. I started doing livestreams and made close friends with many of the viewers.

Were those viewers also mormon? You can bet your ass they weren't. There was a good mix of queerness and transness in there. But everyone was still respectful of my mormon boundaries (kept swearing and really dirty talk to a minimum) so I found it really easy to be respectful back. Suddenly I was friends with a lot of people that the church told me would infect me with their wickedness if I tolerated them for too long. But you know what? Spending time with people different than you, seeing that they're just another human, seeing that they can become valuable people in your life even with the traits you're told to fear, it's very hard to keep thinking of them as wicked. At that point, you have to actively choose to sever these relationships that are making you happy and hammer that prejudice back into your head. And a lot of people do that! But I felt SO happy and SO loved, I just couldn't do it.

And all along in the background, my sister lived in Germany at the time and had a lot of time away from the church. This gave her space to read up on the ACTUAL history of the church and Joe Smith... and she was discussing her findings with me. I didn't really want to believe them, but it got harder and harder to explain things away.

Feeling relaxed around my non-member friends, I start joking like "Isn't it weird that I'm straight but I still get crushes on female characters?" And no one really rushes me to admit I'm queer, but they get really excited when I draw "joke art" of myself with those characters. And after a while, the joke wears off. I admit that these images of me with a woman give me happy fluttery feelings. But then my boyfriend at the time and my judgmental church friend and my other sister sees this, and they Don't Like It. But somehow, I don't end up feeling bad about myself - I feel disappointed that these people would judge me for loving this side of myself. I apologized/asked them not to tell anyone but inside went "You know what, I'm gonna start dating her even harder."

Started having/drawing lots more queer ships. Was pretty open about my fictional gay crushes. Flirted with my non-member female friends as much as I did my mormon friends, but they could actually flirt back which got me all flustered. And I loved it. I was worried about being queer in the church, but I wasn't worried about my soul. Letting myself be queer brought so much joy and love into my life, it couldn't have been evil.

Besides, it wasn't like I was gonna go out and have a queer relationship. It was all theoretical, right? Which is fine in the church. Hahaha.

Through a friend I made in my streams, I met someone who lived across the street from me. I knew of them, we were in the same graphics class in high school, and we were facebook friends. And I would look at photos of them and think "Man, that's the most beautiful person I've ever seen." But like. Totally not in a gay way, right? I won't be completely smitten with them when we start hanging out, right? Hahaha?

Nope. Instantly head over heels.

I came out as pansexual to everyone I knew. My mom thought it meant I was attracted to inanimate objects. My boyfriend (who looked at porn constantly and dismissed my insecurities about it) got upset because if I figured this out I must have felt attraction to another person, real or fictional (he got upset when he saw a totally sfw drawing of a pretty Homestuck troll in my tumblr likes). My dad said "I guess temple marriage isn't a priority for you anymore", and when I said "I never thought you would say that to me" he said "Neither did I, but here we are." Again, people taking issue with a thing I knew to be wonderful.

My parents sort of came around, at least to the point that they would not give me direct grief for being in a queer relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend (actually because I accepted that he was never going to join the church and we weren't even really friends, so what was the point). I was briefly in a relationship with a transmasc friend because I didn't feel like I could say no, but it's worth mentioning because since they were also Christian, I thought I could be with them and stay in the church, but when I realized that the church would never accept them into the priesthood because they're trans, it was a huge blow to my faith. Yet another "What am I even doing this for if I don't believe in it?"

We broke up because I was still in love with the person across the street. But here's where the shelf broke, so to speak, on my faith. I knew this person liked me too, but I was afraid to be with them, not only because it would be a queer relationship, but because they were a non-member and didn't uphold church standards, which I'd kind of just broken up with my boyfriend for. Remember that judgmental mormon friend I mentioned? I remember venting to her about this over Facebook IM, crying because I wanted to be with this person so badly, but how could it possibly work out? And she said, "It can't. :("

Oh. Ohhh. How fucking dare you.

It can't? Why? Because the church said so, and obviously nothing in life, not even my own happiness, is as important as obeying the church? I swore a blood oath to sacrifice all my happiness to the church or else I would burst into flames? This girl was big on the mormons-policing-mormons thing. Here I am in pain over wanting someone I felt I couldn't have, and she feels that the most important thing to do is make sure I don't entertain further temptation to disobey the church. That's the issue here - your friend is having gay feelings and they need to remember that's not okay.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Fuck you!

My sister and I decided to tell our mom together that we would not go to church anymore. My sister posted about it on Facebook, and our piece of shit brother (12 yrs my senior, would have been 31 at the time) said "Congratulations, I'm sure your parents are really proud of you." Because he's incapable of saying anything not horrendous.

I started dating the person across the street. And the relationship that "couldn't" happen has been going on for ten years now. Still completely head over heels.

Sssssuck on that!!

In short, yes, having lots of non-member friends can and will lead you away from the church, but not with their wickedness. They will show you how wrong you were for thinking that they were wicked, and by extension, how wrong the church is. And if you pull one thread, the whole thing comes apart.

[cannibal-nightmares]

sharing this with you all for perspective and also as a processing method for myself

being schizophrenic can be described by the time I bought a small air dehumidifier for my bathroom. the appliance in the box was fine and normal, it wasn't until I tried to take it out was something Wrong, something was Bad--the thing felt like it was living somehow and that was supremely Not Good; the logic part of my brain (and, truly, god bless I still have any semblance of logic still thriving and kicking) thought annoyedly, "Ugh, not this again, it's an inanimate object," but it will never ever be enough to override the inherent paranoid delusion completely. So they fought, the two sides, and when logic stands a fighting chance, the only way I can get through something is by shouting over the noise... and in this case, it was at a dehumidifier. I managed to get it out of the box all while yelling at it--which may sound like absolutely nothing, but this circumstance was actually huge for me--put it on the floor, and... Walked away. Backed away. I was too scared to plug it in, and this isn't telling the whole of the story: If remember correctly, I think I ended up crying because my hands felt "tainted" after touching the thing, and I was getting so worked up and annoyed because the only self-soothing that helps is your stereotyped incoherent rambling, and I often mitigate the shouting by forcing stressed out laughter which just makes it all seem worse, frankly. I left the dehumidifier on the floor until the next morning when I was able to plug it in and use it; I still to this day struggle to empty out the water carafe and I can't directly look at it, but at the very least I can use it for its functionality.

never thought I'd admit to this story, but I just woke up to my smoke detector beeping because the battery must be dying. the beeping bothers me way less than I would have othewise imagined, but instead of removing and replacing the battery myself, I have to call the landlord to do it for me. I have to. I set up a stool to do it myself, and my head just started swarming. And that shit is louder than any fire alarm chirping. it feels like a swarming, like pressure, like someone shouting at you to get out of the way of an oncoming car fifty times over. it's like standing next to a blaring firetruck at a parade. it feels like There Is No Worse Consequence Than This, like somehow my consciousness will be overridden if I touch the smoke detector, if I get too close to it, if I think about it at a specific angle for too long.

and I try to talk to people about my paranoia, but they don't understand there is no reason to be had. "You're right, the beeping is very loud and kind of scary," they might say. "You don't have to worry about electrocution," they might consider, "it's just a battery." It's like the instance I was having a hard time at work and asked my co-worker if a customer's service dog was real and I was replied to with, "I hope so! A robot dog would be spooky!" it has nothing to do with the physical logic at all, but absurdity like "if I fix the fire alarm myself, magically the next door neighbor will be able to read my mind" and etc beyond etc. And it may sound silly, but that's the point, that's the problem, and it's just as real as the sky is blue.

anyways im not telling this tale for pity, but, again, to offer perspective. This ish robs you of your autonomy in the most jarring and absurd ways and all I can do is laugh through it. What makes it such a monster to deal with--at least for me--is that working through the logic doesn't seem to do a damn thing. So I really do have to force myself to rely on others in times like this, and it's infinitely more difficult when your brain decides that others are the enemy, as well, even when they never had been before.

[pebiejeebies]

A little (long) chat about Inanimate Insanity..

(TW: ableism, curse words *like one curse word but oh well*)

DNI if you support ableism, hate neos, hate fictkins/alterhumans, and the DNI in my pinned. Thank you.

This is a VENT/RANT.. if you don’t like my vent, simply DNI, or whatever.. I honestly don’t care.

By the way to not confuse anyone, I used multiple pronouns flexibly in this, so if you see different pronouns, it’s still me talking about myself.

(Prns used: I/me, Xe/Xer |!| Neos: Cab/Cabself, Star/Starself)

Read at your own risk.

Let’s start.. shall we? (Poll below as well, I’m interested to hear your opinion and thoughts on this)

So.. I love listening about everyone’s opinions (If it wasn’t clear already), though I hate reading hate comments, especially about things I really love, like object shows.. specifically.. Inanimate Insanity..

Xe was REALLY trying to avoid talking about this, and about the hate towards the community, but xe HAD to talk.. Xe had to see why, and now that xe sees why.. well.. it starts to make xe feel guilty that xe supported all of this, that xe enjoyed seeing cabself (cabby) get beaten up by ableism, and just thought that it was “a part of their story line/arc!” So xe just shoved it aside, thinking maybe they wanted to make cab very relatable! Since she has memory issues and such! (Which did make cab very relatable, but it wasn’t worth it at all..)

I was so gullible, I didn’t see the red flags AT ALL, and I was too scared to confront myself and actually read the hate comments. It’s so hard to see something you like so much turn into this.. ridiculousness. Why can’t I just stick to a STABLE community, that I RELATE to, LOVE, AND KIN?! 

Can you imagine?! I KIN CABBY. What am I supposed to do when one day ii gets cancelled?! What happens to us fictkins when we get hate just because our characters belong in an ableist show?! I’m seriously worried, I wish I didn’t read any of these hate comments, but yet again, I would’ve never learnt the harsh truth, the harsh reality about everything.

Star has been searching, fandom to fandom, looking for that perfect fandom that star relates to, that’s popular, that’s LIKED. And NOW… 

Star loses. again. And now star is stuck with a kin that belongs in an ableist show. Because it wasn’t stars choice, because it never was stars choice, and star thought for once.. maybe something star couldn’t choose (specifically about fictionkin) wouldn’t be so bad! What would happen if star found out star kinned a character in a silly show? 

Well.. star found out alright. And star is not sure us fictkins will be accepted. Maybe I’m overthinking this and people won’t hate star/us, but star just can’t help but worry… You know? What if people shame us for being something we never chose to be? Especially when it links with an ableist show.. 

The real question is, do YOU accept me? Do you accept US? Even though our kin types belong in a bad community? Will we be allowed to interact with people? Or will we have to hide our identities because we might be in everyone’s DNI List?? (I’m genuinely speaking for all fictkins that have a kin in the show, I’m not only worried about myself, but about my fellow kins as well. I just hope this ends well…)

…

It’s honestly hard. I hate this. I just try my best to cover up the hate with things I love, and now, I can’t even deny it! The hate isn’t hate alone.. the hate is AWARENESS. ABLEIST AWARENESS, That’s so (im)perfectly hidden behind these fanon lies to make sure that it doesn’t pop out as much, and it did work.. for me at least.. but now the truth can’t hide.

Spread awareness. Share the truth. And.. maybe we can all figure this out together.

At least, this is what I hope to see.

Will I get hate? Probably.  Am I overreacting again because I certainly love doing that? Probably..

Will I give a fuck about it? …probably.. but that doesn’t matter.

All I care to show is the truth. Whether you hate or love ii, whether you think I’m ridiculous or saying the truth.

Well. I think I’ve said enough, and if you don’t know why ii is ableist, (#ii neg) has all the answers you need..

(also tw for curse words, harsh words and hate towards a lot of things, so really be careful there. It really affected me badly when I read most of the stuff in that tag so if ur sensitive please read at your own risk.)

I guess it’s time for the poll.. maybe that’s what you came for, not sure, but do as you wish. Harsh your truth may be but I just wanted to hear it. 

*id appreciate this if you reblogged <3 /nf, and if ur worried abt me, I’ll be fine dw!*

[sixofpomegranates]

The Dove and the Agent | Ch. 31

🕊 Story Masterlist  | 18+ | AO3 | Wattpad 🕊

🔙 Previous Chapter

Chapter CW: Mentions of anxiety/food-alcohol+consumption, jealousy, pining, exes, friends with benefits, Van Gogh,

A/N: Hi! Sorry that it's been so long! As you may have hurt: I published my first NOVEL! (Big thanks to those who told me to unalive myself for publishing it) The Link is in my profile!!

I hope you enjoy the new chapter, and tell me how you like the new cover!

"Do you know that it is very, very necessary for honest people to remain in art? Hardly anyone knows that the secret of beautiful work lies to a great extent in truth and sincere sentiment."

— Vincent Van Gogh

✿ Dove's POV ✿

Today? A total success — I mean, as much as a funeral can be one...

Spencer seemed so happy at the end, even dancing to a song. Not even to mention that he said that I was now his favorite person.

I did not cry because of it, but I definitely wanted to.

I had never been somebody's favorite anything before. I like to think that maybe I would've been Ellie's, but she never understood what I meant with the whole "favorite person" notion of mine... To be fair, I overthink all of it too much anyway.

When the guest had left, and solely the team and I were left at the funeral home, we helped clean up. Afterward, as we actually wanted to go home, Rossi invited us back to his mansion since tomorrow Alex Blake, Aaron Hotchner, and Kate Callahan would be leaving again.

I was a little tired, my batteries drained from all the human interactions, but as I saw how excited Professor Reid seemed, I agreed to it.

It was a lovely, warm evening, so we sat outside in the garden, Penelope and Krystall mixing cocktails for us. I sat next to my Professor, simply listening to the ongoing conversations.

"Here, Kitten," Penelope said, handing me a deep red drink in a sugar-rimmed glass.

"Thanks," I chirped in reply, feeling Spencer eyeing the cocktail. I held it to him, offering him a sip, but he instantly declined, mumbling something about something that red, not seeming healthy.

"So, Dove. You're still in college?" Blake asked me as the previous conversation had died down.

I wasn't exactly excited about having to talk about myself since it wasn't like I had anything interesting to tell, but I nodded, "Yeah. Uhm, I will graduate in July and then directly start my FBI training."

Hotch raised his eyebrows, asking fatherly, "You already got some firearm training?"

Shaking my head, I began fidgeting with my fingers, a little embarrassed, "No. B-But Professor Reid said he'd take me to a shooting range."

As my nervous gaze met Spencer's, he scrunched his nose and grinned at me.

The former BAU Chief nodded, "Okay, the first thing you should learn is not to be afraid of the gun in your hands while also treating it with the uppermost respect. It may be just an inanimate object, but in this job, it is also your partner." While taking a sip from his scotch, he snickered, "Spencer needed years not to get scared by his gun. He even failed his firearms qualification exam in the beginning."

Licking his lips as all laughed, Spencer said, "And now I carry two guns and am an excellent shoot."

Drinking from my cocktail, I was hit with a nice sweetness through and through. It was probably one of those cocktails that hid away just how alcoholic they were—dangerous stuff.

"You like it?" Krystall asked, and I nodded. "It's Pomegranate syrup," Penny explained to the group so everyone having a drink would know.

Leaning over, Spencer whispered into my ear, "Careful, Sweetheart, else you might end up having to spend six months a year in the underworld."

I giggled, looking at him, "Say what you want, but Hades and Persephone had the most unproblematic relationship in all of the Greek pantheon."

He shrugged. "It's not like Zeus made that a difficult task."

Nodding, I giggled, "Yeah, Zeus's a slut." He looked at me, appalled. "Dove." "What? Am I wrong?" I asked, blinking innocently, making him chuckle.

"Who's a slut?" Penelope asked loudly, having parts of our private whispers announced to the whole table.

I quickly shook my head, cheeks starting to become hot as hell. I didn't have the means to explain my unfunny jokes. "Oh, no one. It's nothing."

Tara raised her eyebrows and Emily asked teasingly, "Were we interrupting the fun?"

I quickly shook my head, physically scooting a little away from Spencer while taking a sip from my drink. The awkward silence solely seemed to be noticed by me, but God, the moment was awkward.

Spencer seemed to catch a glimpse of my discomfort, asking Alex quickly, "How's work going?" Turning to me, he explained, "Blake is a professor at Harvard."

"Harvard?" I asked, surprised, feeling my silly little heartstrings being pulled by something I couldn't describe as anything other than melancholia.

The brunette nodded. "Linguistics."

"I always wanted to go to Harvard; they have a great art program," I overshared.

"Can't imagine a smart girl like you didn't get accepted," Aaron said.

I quickly shook my head. "Oh, I did. I actually got accepted by a couple of Ivy League Colleges. I- I just went to Georgetown so I could study with my cousin together."

Ellie. A stinging in my heart, that most certainly had shown in my voice, reminded me so suddenly of her.

Why didn't I think of her lately? What friend was I to just live my life as though my best friend didn't die only a couple of months ago?

Spencer's hand wrapped around my thigh, squeezing it. That guy was reading my mind, I swear.

"You switched majors at Georgetown too," he said, directing the subject into safer waters before I would drown. "Only the final exam was missing to get your title of Master of Fine Arts, right, little bird?"

Kate frowned. "I'm sorry, but how did you go from art to psychology? Not really understandable for me."

"Oh, Uhm, my mom wanted me to change majors because she worried being an Art Major wouldn't get me a real job."

"You know, if you really had all your hours and exams until that, you could ask if you can take the finals with the other students at the end of the semester and get your diploma," Alex informed me.

"Really?" I asked, intrigued and surprised. "Doesn't- Doesn't that mess with my other exams?"

"Only if it's too much for you to learn."

I quickly shook my head, laying one hand on Spencer's and wrapping the other around his wrist.

He chuckled softly as I giggled. "Oh, no. I know that stuff by heart."

"187?" Kate asked. "126," I replied.

"Do you want me to write the dean about it?" my Professor suggested.

I had always wanted to be an artist... Yes, painting and creating art still made me one, but there was something so special to me about having a diploma in the one and only thing I had ever chosen for myself.

My whole life was built on the unsteady ground of academic pressure. My worth was my grades. My hobbies were studying to improve my grades. My mother always discredited my art as a waste of time.

My hobby now academically titling me an artist would prove my mother wrong. It would be something solely for me, something she could never attribute to herself.

This title would be mine.

"Yeah," I whispered.

Spencer smiled. "Sure?"

I nodded. Mom would either don't care or absolutely hate this. She liked to be involved in my academic decisions. "Uh-huh. I want that."

"Look at you, making decisions for yourself," he praised me gently. "Gonna talk to the dean first thing on Monday. Promise."

We smiled at each other, and he squeezed my thigh again. Alex cleared her throat, making us look at her. She took a sip from her beer, smiling at my Professor. "So, Spence, are you seeing somebody at the moment?"

Spencer quickly removed his hand from my thigh, licking his lips which parted into a coy grin. I knew he had no girlfriend, but my wrongly-wired brain still felt anxious about his answer.

He chuckled. "No. No, not at all."

"And you, Dove?" Alex asked.

A very loud laugh escaped me, startling me completely. I quickly shook my head. "Sorry, I- No. No, no chance. I am unfit for any human relationship."

"She's also Franz Kafka," Spencer snickered towards his friend.

"I just relate to that quote," I speedily spoke to my defense.

He nodded teasingly. "Yeah. And you have an awful taste in man. Logan is definitely the blueprint for idiots worldwide."

"Yeah, so? I- Jake's nice, though," I stammered, making him raise his brows. "I was just teasing you a bit, little bird," he said."I didn't know you were still talking to Jake..."

I shrugged, staring down into my drink. I needed to have it sound casual, normal. "I- We're still talking... Kinda. At least once I have the guts to reply to his texts."

Yeah, now that wasn't a dipshit answer at all. I legitimately sounded like a thirteen-year-old.

Penelope looked at me, surprised. "What did he write?" she asked, quickly taking my phone as I held it out to her.

The table became silent, everyone now seeming to be up in my business. Penny cleared her throat dramatically.

"Hey, Dove. Haven't heard from you since our date, and classes switched back to home office. Hope everything is alright. Wanted you to know I had a blast at our date; maybe we could do it again? - J"

I hadn't thought I'd hear from him again, to be honest. I had been awkward and ended up staying with Spencer and the guys, joining their gentleman's night, but apparently, Jake had a blast.

"Aw," Penelope squealed, looking at me. "Why haven't you written back yet?

I shrugged, embarrassed and red-faced.

I mostly didn't write back because I was lost for words. What was I supposed to write? As I'd learned, it takes me ages to build up relationships in a romantic type of way, and I hadn't thought there was a connection between us, even after I'd let him kiss me... So I put it off.

"You want me to tell him off?" Spencer offered promptly.

I shook my head. "N-No," I said, taking my phone back. "I... just need time to figure out what to do."

"If you don't wanna see him again but are too scared to tell him, just let me do it," he insisted.

"I don't know if I don't want to see him again."

My Professor's jaw clenched, and both his eyebrows shot up. "Oh," he said in a suspiciously neutral tone. "Okay."

"It was a nice date," I said.

"You said you two didn't connect." His answer had come so promptly that it threw me off.

"Well, that probably just takes some time. Demisexual and all that, remember?"

"He left you behind at that bar," Spencer frowned, almost disgusted. "Didn't even bother to take you home."

"He left me with you, Derek, Luke, and Matt, because I wanted to stay."

Okay? Was I missing something? Jake was a nice guy, and although at times a little petty, Spencer had no reason to be that upset.

As he shook his head, I asked, "Why don't you like Jake?"

"I don't dislike the boy. I just think someone like you shouldn't date a guy like him," my Professor let out, annoyed.

I furrowed my brows, "Someone like me?"

"A smart, beautiful woman that has options. You could have anyone, so why settle for someone that doesn't sweep you off your feet every second you're together?"

"Yeah, because the guys willing to date me are piling up on my doorstep," I deadpanned.

"Dove," he pressed, making me giggle with a snort.

"No, I'm serious," I insisted with all the sarcasm I had to offer. "It's getting hard opening the door to my apartment. Any more guys, and I'll have to buy a super long ladder and climb in through the window."

"Dove, I am serious." "Well, hi, Serious. I'm Dove."

He looked at me, that one vein on his forehead so much more prominent than usual. "I really don't understand why we're arguing over Jake... It's not like I'm criticizing your relationship with – what's her name? – Max."

"Max is my ex. You can't compare that," he exclaimed, making me answer him just as loudly. "And Jake is a guy that took me on a date ones. See? I told you this conversation is ridiculous."

"I'm just watching out for you, Dove." "Well, don't. I think Jake's a nice guy, and I don't care if I can do better in your opinion."

"Dove," he said as if this talk-ending voice of his had ever made me shut up. "Spencer," I replied, watching the vein on his forehead pulsate.

"Guys?" Kate interrupted us.

We both looked at her and then at the others at the table. Derek looked like he was having a blast. Aaron was pinching the bridge of his nose, still smiling however.

Tara and Emily were snickering something behind their hands; then they applauded us. "Brava," Emily said, lifting her glass in our direction. "Encore," Tara chuckled.

Spencer and I shared a look; both embarrassed over others witnessing our nonsensical bickering.

"We should start charging money for this bit," he sighed, resting a hand on my back and starting to rub circles. "I'm sorry, okay?" he said. "I'm backing off—no more overprotectiveness."

It was annoying but sweet that Spencer was overprotective. I nodded, grinning at him. "It's okay. Old habits die hard, I guess."

"I trust your judgment, Sweetheart. When you say he's a good guy, I'll try not to have Penelope stalk his ass."

Derek let out a deeply amused chuckle."Imagine one of us would've overreacted that much when pretty boy had his first little tête-à-tête."

I tilted my head, some of our friends laughed. "Excuse me?"

I was certain I had just misheard that. Spencer wasn't one for flings... Right?

"Everyone has some adventures in their youth. We only know about Reid's because he joined the BAU so young," Aaron said.

I nodded. "So, you know Spencer for quite a long time now?" He smiled. "Since Gideon got him to join the FBI at twenty-two."

Nodding again, I took another sip of my drink. I wasn't a nosey person... No. Not me.

"You wanna hear that story, don't you?" Derek grinned.

My professor answered faster than I could. "No, she doesn't."

The table went mostly silent, ready to let go of the subject unless I'd say something.

"I'd actually like to know," I mumbled.

Spencer groaned. "No, Sweetheart. Don't be nosey."

"I'm not nosey," I answered. "It's just that everybody else seems to know, and I feel left out."

Sighing, Spencer leaned back against his chair, signaling to our friends to tell me the story.

"Okay, so, you know Lila Archer?" Derek asked. I nodded. Who doesn't at this point? "Good. When she starred in this beach-teen TV show, before the Rom-Com with Dean Havans, she had a stalker."

"Yeah, her friend from Julliard. Mom watched Lila's interview with '60 seconds' on the news when I was five or six," I said.

"The BAU was working on that case, and Spencer was her bodyguard," Aaron added.

Feeling my cheeks heat up, I said, smiling, "Okay, yeah, right. Now you're just messing with me. Got it."

I knew jokes like that; my parents made them all the time. It was funny to them telling me lies and having me fall for them. It was like a party trick for them.

"Nah-uh, pretty girl," Derek said.

Penelope handed me her phone. There was an old cover from a gossip magazine.

'A Mystery Man In Lila's Life?' it read. On it: a very, very young Spencer Reid kissing nonother than Lila Archer.

Derek continued the story. "Me and Elle, a former co-worker, caught a very invested paparazzi taking pictures in the bushes when those two were having a little something in Lila's swimming pool."

"The girls in college would have a field trip with this," I said, voice coated in humor. "I mean, Lila Archer? Seriously."

She was so pretty; it actually felt like a kick to the stomach as my brain involuntarily compared me to her.

I held the screen in Spencer's direction, noting a deep blush on his cheeks and how he avoided my eyes. "It was just a kiss," he insisted.

"Uh-uh. Those hickeys said something else, Spence," a woman joked as she stepped out into the garden accompanied by Portia, who'd come home and seemed to have let her in.

The stranger was pretty, around the same age as my friends. Her almond-shaped dark brown eyes gazed teasingly at my Professor, who jumped up and pullied her into a hug.

One after another, my friends left the table, greeting the dark-haired woman. Her arm was still slung around Spencer's waist; his arm was laid over her shoulders.

I got up as well, to be polite, I assumed. A smile was plastered on my face as I joined them.

Why the fuck were they so touchy with each other?

"Dove," my Professor said. "This is Elle Greenway."

Elle. Okay. I had contacted her via mail days prior but never got an answer.

"Hi," I said, holding my hand out to Elle... Purposefully so she would take her hands off Spencer.

Like, seriously, get a room. Just don't get a room, you know?

She shook my hand, smiling. "Hello."

"Dove's one of my students," Spencer told her half-heartedly while walking her to the table and offering her his seat. "I can't believe you are here. It's been two years, minimum."

One of your students... Uh-huh. Spencer, you're missing a few things. I am not only your student. I'm also:

Your colleague.

And your neighbor.

And your friend.

And your fucking favorite person?

I sat down at the table again, not liking that I had to sit next to this woman I didn't know. Emptying my drink, Penelope quickly replaced it with another, winking at me.

"Don't be jealous, Kitten. They're just old friends," she whispered while I watched Elle running her hand through my Professor's curly mane.

"Not jealous," I whispered back, a little insulted, starting to drink my new, more alcoholic beverage.

*****

After two more glasses, it was fair to say that I was tipsy. Elle was nice, one of those bad bitches who didn't take shit from anybody, having completely encaptured Spencer's attention... Making me annoyed.

I wasn't jealous. I was annoyed.

"I totally saved your life," my Professor insisted as they discussed an old case in which a magic trick performed by him had saved the day.

Portia had joined us shortly after Elle, and since then, I sat between her and Penelope.

"Green's not your color. Take a shot," the blonde said, filling mine, her, and Penny's shot glasses with tequila again.

"I look good in green," I informed her, pouring the burning alcohol down my throat and scrunching my nose at the taste.

Rossi had already decided that we were all going to stay the night. Yet, with Alex, Kate, and Aaron here as well, we needed to share the rooms.

I couldn't stop my face from scrunching up as Elle rested her hand on my Professor's thigh. Way too high up on his thigh, actually. Flirting-territory high.

Standing up and grabbing the tequila bottle, Penelope announced, "Okay, Kitten, Portia, let's go upstairs, fill the air mattress, and change into our jammies."

I was going to stay in a room with Penny and Luke. Where Spencer was going to sleep was a mystery to me since he was too busy catching up with his friends, but that wasn't my problem... Just didn't know if I could sleep without my white-noise koala.

Portia pulled me to my feet, and we walked inside. In her bedroom, Penelope and I sat on the bed while the blonde searched through her closet.

She threw short hot pants and a tank top at me. "You think Spencer and this Elle are doing it?" she asked, making me choke on the sip of tequila I had just taken.

"No," I said, irritated. "He- He just came out of a relationship a couple of months ago."

"As far as I know, they're just friends," Penny said, changing into the pajamas from her go-bag she kept in her car.

"They have that energy between them, though," Portia said while I turned my back to them to change into the clothes she'd handed me. Looking me up and down, she added, "That looks hot on you."

In the mirror in the far left corner of Portia's bedroom, I inspected the scratches on my throat. I was a lot of things, but hot wasn't one of them.

We walked into the guest bedroom and let the electronic air pump blow up the mattress while we continued drinking.

"So, you snatched yourself a Luke Alvez," Portia started. "How's it going?"

Squealing happily, Penelope chirped, "Amazing. Like, I knew he's a great man, but now I know know he's a great man."

"Sounds awesome, Penny," I said, having her pet my knee.

"I'm sorry, Kitten. I didn't want to rub it into your face."

"You didn't?" I told her, confused, taking another sip of tequila. "I'm really happy for you and Luke. You're my friends."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely," I assured her. "No matter what my situation is, I would never not be happy for you out of envy."

"Okay, then..." Penny said with a dramatic pause. "We're thinking about moving in together."

"Already?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes. Luke has two dogs, as you know, and my apartment is too small... So now the question is if I move into Luke's house, or we buy a new one."

"That's great. I- I'll help on moving day if you want," I offered. "I hope I'm one day as in love as you two are."

"Can't believe you're single," Portia said. "You are so cute."

I shook my head. "I'm basic at best, and my trauma didn't even make me funny, only weird."

"Don't say shit like that," the blonde scolded me. Penelope agreed. "You are amazing, smart, pretty, and kind."

They passed the bottle between them, and I asked, "Do you really think Spencer and Elle have something going on?"

"So you are into him," Portia said, but I shook my head.

"N-No. I don't really feel things like that. Also, is Spencer, my favorite person, and having any non-platonic feelings for him would ruin that," I explain, blushing.

"What's a favorite person?" Portia asked, making me shrug while thinking of how to explain it without seeming like a crazy person.

"It's like a comfort person, I guess. Somebody who knows that you're broken but still stays. Somebody who makes you feel like you're worth the effort."

The silence between us was broken when Penny said, "Okay. That just killed me." She wiped a non-existent tear from her eye. "Does Reid know how you feel about him?"

I nodded. "I- I don't know if he fully grasps the concept of the title, but he lives up to it as though he does."

"I say that's love," Portia announced. As I shook my head, she added, "That level of feelings is love. Platonic or romantic, doesn't matter."

Taking the last sip from the tequila bottle, I said, "The thing that bugs me about all about Elle is just the same as with Max, JJ, and Lila fucking Archer. They are so pretty and confident and have their shit together. Why is that his type? I'm really starting to get an inferiority complex."

"Two things," Portia said, holding up three fingers but quickly collecting herself. "First, stop comparing yourself to others. No matter how beautiful you think a person is, some will always disagree with you. Secondly, you're scared that Spencer could like anybody more than you."

"Because if he has a girlfriend, he'll stop spending time with me. I bet she wouldn't be the biggest fan of me sleeping in Spencer's bed or him calling me Sweetheart, either..." I said, guilt filling me. "I'm selfish. He deserves to be happy, but it legitimately makes me want to vomit."

"Yeah, it's selfish," Penny agreed. "Thanks," I answered sarcastically. "But Spencer is no better. Why else do you think he doesn't like Jake?"

I shrugged, making Penelope give Portia a quick rundown of who Jake was.

"Oh," Portia laughed at the part where Penelope shared her theory of the migraine Spencer had gotten last week being actually jealousy induced. "He is so jealous. You two are literally matching that one Ariana Grande song."

Both started singing Boyfriend, absolutely motivated and completely off-key.

Wanting to take another sip, I noted the empty bottle. "Not drunk enough for this shit."

"You know what that means," Portia laughed. "Let's go downstairs and get another bottle."

We walked downstairs, about to enter the kitchen, when Penelope stopped us. There were two people inside, talking. One was Elle, and the other person, standing with their back in our direction, was Spencer.

"I'm sorry things didn't work out with Max," Elle said.

Spencer sighed. "Well, what can you do? At least we didn't end entirely on bad terms. You're sure you wanna go back to the hotel? You could stay here."

"Why?" Elle asked. "You offering to share a room with me?"

Stepping closer and rubbing her hand over his chest, she said. "It's been a while. Why don't you just come with me, and we spend the night as we would before your relationship?"

Oh. Portia had read the signs right. I swallowed roughly, sharing a look with the two blondes. Maybe we should spy on them.

"Let's go back upstairs," I whispered, tugging on Penny's arm. "Eavesdropping is a shitty thing to do."

Spencer leaned down closer to Elle, and that was when Portia grabbed my hand and dragged me back to mine and Penelope's room.

Fuck. It shouldn't even bother me as much as it did. Spencer was a single man who was allowed to have as many casual flings and fuck buddies as he wanted to. It was none of my business.

Drunk Dove truly was a jealous bitch.

*****

♜ Spencer's POV ♜

"I can't," I told Elle, taking her hands off my chest and holding them in mine.

Of course, never when I was in a relationship, but Elle and I had made it a habit of seeing each other casually whenever she was in town after leaving the FBI.

Now that I was single, it was more than fair for her to assume I would take her up on her offer and fuck her silly to get rid of pent-up tension, but I didn't feel any interest in her anymore.

She was still a friend, and I had been thrilled to see her since she wasn't the most reliable person when it came to keeping in touch, but my body held no desire for her since my heart already lived elsewhere.

"Can I ask why?" she questioned calmly.

"Dove," was all I said.

"Your student?" "She's so much more than just a student," I said, holding back the urge to brag about my little bird.

Elle tilted her head. "I didn't know you two are-" I interrupted her. "We aren't."

A grin spread on her lips. "Spencer Reid, are you in love?"

I nodded, cheeks burning. "Very much so."

"Haven't heard you say that since Maeve," she said. "Too bad I didn't get to talk to her much."

"Dove's shy and today probably very drunk, thanks to Portia and Penelope."

We both chuckled.

"How bout us having some lunch before I leave tomorrow? You could bring her along," Elle suggested as I brought her to the front door, a cab already waiting outside.

"I'll check if she's up for it. Else it'll be just the two of us," I promised her, holding open the door for her.

"Stop talking to me like that, or I'll take you back to the hotel with me," she warned jokingly, hugging me goodbye.

"Back off, woman. I told you I'm devoted to another," I joked back.

I waited until Elle was in the cab, then returned to the kitchen, where Dove and Portia were in the midst of stealing some snacks and alcohol.

"Oh. Hey, ladies," I greeted them, Dove looking at me shortly with a tight-lipped smile.

"Hi," she mumbled, continuing to unpack frozen pizza pockets and putting them on a plate.

Portia looked me up and down with a smile. "Where's Elle?" she asked, something in her voice almost sounding like an allegation.

"Drove back to her hotel," I answered casually.

Portia nodded. "Didn't think she's your type, tbh, but like, good for you."

"We're just friends," I told Rossi's stepdaughter. "Did I do something to upset the two of you?"

Dove elbowed the blonde gently, them exchanging a look, and then she smiled at me. "She's nice... From what I could see, I mean," my little bird rambled. "Didn't really talk to her a lot; she also never answered the mail I sent, but yeah... Nice."

"Glad to hear that, Sweetheart," I answered, hoping she wasn't being passive-aggressive right now. "She actually asked us to have lunch with her tomorrow before she leaves."

"Us?" Portia asked, laughing teasingly while taking the pizza pockets from the microwave. "Don't think Dove's into threesomes."

I watched Dove become pale instantly. "I'm not into sex in general," she informed her new friend, taking the bottle of tequila from her. "Tequila makes you aggressive."

The blonde looked at her. "Tequila makes me woke."

"Nobody using the word 'woke' is actually as aware of things as they believe to be," Dove giggled, taking one of the pizza pockets. "Why don't you go upstairs with the food and the wine?"

Portia nodded, trying to grab the tequila again, but Dove moved it away. "Uh-uh. I'm cutting you off before you end up in a fistfight."

As we were alone, I asked, "Did I do something to make her hate me?"

Doce shook her head, blushing. "W-We might've overheard you and Elle talking earlier."

No. Fuck.

God, please tell me Dove didn't hear me say I'm in love with her.

"Oh, I- uhm... What did you hear?" I stammered.

"Nothing," my little bird smiled.

"You're lying."

"Just to make you feel better," she assured. "We shouldn't have spied on you."

I stepped closer. Did she know?

"You look pale," Dove mumbled, hand reaching out to my cheek. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just a little tired," I lied.

She quickly withdrew her hand, brushing some of her white-blonde mane behind her ears. "Are you leaving soon?"

I furrowed my brows. "Why should I leave? We were going to stay the night."

"Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay... Guess I just thought you'd leave with Elle because..." Her voice fell silent as she broke eye contact.

"Can you tell me what you overheard?" I asked as it dawned on me that the picture she had of me right now wasn't the best. "From favorite person to favorite person?"

"Just that you and Elle are... You know," Dove said, quickly looking at me. "I- I'm not judging. Elle is very pretty, and you seem to get along well. I just thought you'd take her up on the offer to drive to her hotel together, and yeah, guess I was wrong."

She thought I was having sex with Elle... Which wasn't entirely wrong, but she definitely missed the most crucial part of it all. Herself.

Elle and I? We were in the past.

Now I just needed to convince Dove about it without dropping the "I love you"-bomb on her.

"Elle and I, we-"

She interrupted me, smiling. "You don't have to justify yourself. It's also none of my business who you're hooking up with."

"We're not hooking up," I said. "We did... In the past, but not anymore."

"So you're just friends now?" I nodded, making her tilt her head. "I don't get that. How do you turn that kind of emotions just off?"

"It was just sex, no love," I chuckled.

Dove shrugged, taking a sip of tequila straight from the bottle. "Guess that's the demisexuality for me 'cause I can't separate those two things. Casual sex is so weird to me. I mean, sex in general because but, yeah... You know what I mean."

I nodded. "I know what you mean, Sweetheart."

She shifted her weight to her other side, wobbling.

"How drunk are you?" I asked, making her giggle.

"Pretty drunk," she answered, breaking her pizza pocket and handing me one of the halves.

I took a bite, burning my tongue. "That is so hot," I exclaimed, gulping firey tequila to save my tongue.

"It's fresh out of the microwave. What did you expect?" Dove giggled.

I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her against my chest, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked quietly.

"Everything."

"Portia asked me what a favorite person is because I mentioned that you're mine, and I had a pretty hard time explaining it..." she started. "Do you know what I mean when I tell you that you're my favorite person?"

I nodded, "I think I do."

Her big blue eyes stared at me. "Can I try to explain it to you anyway? Just to make sure?"

"Of course," I said.

I held the title of favorite person dear to my heart. I was sure to know what she meant, but there was no harm in hearing it come from her heart-shaped lips.

"I'm all ears," I cooed.

"My favorite artist is Vincent Van Gogh," she said.

"Something within me resonates with him ever since I was little. He struggled with his mental health, his parents didn't understand him—even asked him to move out, he was often treated like he was crazy, and he couldn't keep a job although he wanted nothing more than to be needed and do good.

"It already started off wrong when he was born. There were expectations put upon him he just couldn't fulfill. His still grieving parents named him after his older brother, who died at birth the year prior, with whom Vincent even shared a birthday..."

Dove shook her head, wavy white-blond her framing her face. "I'm sorry, I'm rambling. What I want to say is: Vincent Van Gogh had a brother named Theodorus—or Theo for short. He actually had five more siblings, but bear with me here," she said gently.

"Although Vincent had a good relationship with all his siblings... his and Theo's was special. Theo was four years younger, but he was sort of taking on the big brother role. He encouraged Vincent to start painting as he wanted to be an artist but didn't dare to, he bought him paint, he financially supported him.

"Theo would say that he was able to sell Vincent's paintings at his job as an art dealer and gave him money, yet what actually happened was that nobody wanted those paintings. So Theo lied and secretly hoarded all the paintings at home because he believed in Vincent and knew that one day the world would appreciate his brother's art as much as he did.

"He was there when Vincent needed to be institutionalized and made sure he was allowed to continue painting in there. He could've just let Vincent rot there as so many did back in the day with mentally ill family members, but he didn't.

"Theo said that loving his brother was hard at times as it felt like Vincent was torn between two different personalities, but his unwavering love for him always stayed strong.

"When Vincent then was on his deathbed, Theo wasted no time traveling to him and sat next to his brother until he died."

Taking a deep, shaky breath, Dove blinked away some tears. "Shortly after Vincent's death, Theo lost it, having to be institutionalized. He died only six months after this brother, some saying he couldn't handle the loss of Vincent as he was his only friend. It was simply too much. His wife Johanna made sure they could be together in death, burying the brothers side by side in a commune in France.

"Vincent was Theo's favorite person and vice versa. I never loved anybody like that except for Ellie. So, when I tell you that you're my favorite person, I mean that you are the Theo to my Vincent. That I know, I can trust you to be there for me even when I am too broken to be loved."

Dove wiped away her tears; I helped her while blinking away mine. Her explanation was so personal, raw, and vulnerable. I didn't wonder that she struggled to define it to Portia.

I still hadn't thought about how I would go about my feelings toward her. I didn't know if she would ever romantically return them, but I was okay with this.

Pure, unapologetic love.

Her words explained it better than I ever could. Seeing the other's most ugly self and still loving them was special and a deeper form of love than I'd ever experienced.

Dove loved me as her Theo, and would never stop, even if I'd turn into Vincent.

I wiped some tears from my eyes, knowing that I would go through all the hardships my life had given me one hundred times again if this would be where I would end up.

"I love you too, little bird," I promised her. "Always will, as much as you'll need me to."

I respected the wobbly line of platonic love between us, but how platonic was love between soulmates? Was it even to be separated in platonic and romantic love, or was it so much more than any of our simple-minded human words could describe?

Dove smiled at me, stating, "I need a hug."

Within seconds I had pulled her into one. Pressing her face into my chest, she mumbled, "I miss Ellie. Don't know why, but today it hurts again."

I gently rubbed her back. "It's okay. I understand it."

"I know. You always do," she said. "You're my person."

She pulled away from the hug, looking at the cold pizza pocket and the open tequila bottle on the kitchen counter.

"Are you staying with Penny, Luke, and me? We could share the air mattress on the floor," she asked, making me kiss her forehead.

"Of course," I said. "But just be warned that I'm getting too used to us sleeping in the same bed.

She giggled. "Ditto. We're so co-dependent."

"So, does my favorite person come to lunch with me tomorrow?" I asked, making her forehead crease. "You do not have to, Sweetheart."

"Only if you promise I won't see you flirting with Elle," Dove finally said, sounding a little jealous. "That would be so awkward. Don't wanna be the third wheel."

I chuckled, promising her I wouldn't.

How should I even look at another woman if my heart had already arrived, anyway?

[slasheru]

Hi :3 I’m kinda having a bad night rn but I’m distracting myself by playing slasher u (for like the 10th time lmao) and I was wondering: how do u think the dateables would react/what would they do if their partner was having a really bad day? It’s alright if u don’t wanna answer lol and I hope ur having a good day/night <3

<3333 Of course! I wrote a decent amount of Slasher U when I was having a hard time myself irl, Hex's "how's your day" dialogue is actually something I put in to cheer myself up when I was writing it (:

Tate: Tate's had SO MANY bad days he might be an expert at helping you with YOURS. It's immediately hugs, blanket city, asking you about it and letting you vent if you want, listening, and if you don't feel like talking, he's there to tell you about HIS day or some cool thing you both discovered, like a movie you wanna watch. Tate is a BIIIIG cuddler. He's already passing you the flask and shutting the doors to the A/V lab so you guys don't get interrupted by randos (because Tate figures you could use a good cry, and he knows HE wouldn't want people around for that - besides you!) Tate's Bad Day empathy is off the CHARTS. He would hold you tight til either the sun came up or you felt better, whichever takes longer. He would also fight anyone who came to see you who you didn't wanna see, even though he KNOWS he'd get his ass kicked. Worth it, to save you.

Hex: OH NO! MY BABE IS HAVING A BAD DAY! :(((( Hex goes into SUPERHERO mode - he might be a little bit TOO enthuasiastic about cheering you up, at first, but his sole purpose in life is now making you feel better. Hex would try really, really hard and really really deeply to understand you and your pain as best as he can, like, REALLY leave no stone unturned. His love language is "understanding people". Hex's go-to cheer-ups are: Picking you up like a prince/ess, buying you food and coffee, hugging/cuddling you on the couch while you watch TV, showing you memes he found, never leaving your side, and doing acts of service like giving you a back rub or getting you your fave ice cream from the campus convenience store. He'd fall asleep on you/near you/with you all day/night just so you wouldn't have to be alone. :) He'd also sneak into any class big enough not to notice him, just so he could keep keeping you company!

Laila: Laila is the one person (besides maybe Sawyer) who would ACTIVELY try to fix your problems, haha. My darling Player is having a bad day?? Who did this? Sit down, have some tea, I've already come up with a ten-step plan to fix your problems AND I'm gonna start as soon as you feel comfortable enough for me to make some phone calls while I cuddle you til you feel better! Laila's got major "S/HE/THEY ASKED FOR NO PICKLES >:((((" energy so she'd be a great mix of actually comforting and vulnerable, especially if you had a hard emotional time, and handling whatever it is that made you upset - she knows more responsibility at a time like this can be crushing, and she's your Final Girl, dammit! Don't worry about a THING, Player - Laila's on the case!

Juno: Juno knows any world that hurts the Player they like/love is the WORST and SUCKS and Player is the BEST and FUCK ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE!! Though Juno's go-to cheering up is definitely partying and shenanigans, they'd actually ask the player what they'd like. Their favorite way to cheer people up is distracting them from their troubles, so Juno would probably plan all KINDS of fun date-style activities from parties to walks to pranks to adventures, for however as many days it takes for you to smile again. If you're a partier, they'd drop molly with you and talk for hours and hours about feelings. They would ALSO harbor a deep grudge against whoever/whatever did this to you (even if it's an inanimate object/concept, like, failing a class).

Sawyer: Sawyer would feel your pain/sadness VERY VERY DEEPLY. He'd probably start by spending hours listening to you or holding you, then ask if you wanted him to actively try and fix the problem. He'd spend a HUGE amount of time with you comforting you, basically kicking his aftercare into overdrive - Sawyer's the kind of guy who would cancel work or class to comfort you. (And if it got to the point where he'd be fired, well, looks like he's asking his boss/professors to work from home so he can be with you). He's also the kind of guy who definitely orders food and booze and weed and VHS tapes right to the dorms so you wouldn't have to go anywhere. He'd get REALLY protective - he's not letting anyone hurt you ever again, though. EVER - though he's not restrictive about it. The second anyone calls you a name behind your back, though, BAM. Sawyer's knife, their face, etc :V Sawyer's respectful of your boundaries more than anything, so he'd want to show you how much he loves you WITHOUT you ever feeling stifled or uncomfortable.

I hope your night gets better!!! <3333

[whoevenknowswhatimwriting]

thanks to @illarian-rambling for the tag (tagged my main blog instead of my writing one lol)

my prompt was: discussing an embarrassing memory (again paraphrased)

your prompt is: opinions on inanimate objects having names

kaya: well, i don't really get embarrassed very often, but uh... i'm not great with centipedes or millipedes, i think they have more legs than they're entitled to, so that can get kind of out of hand in a forest, especially if i go foraging. the kinds of things that lurk under rotting wood... not just mushrooms...

dare: it's hard to think of one thing... i'm bad with people, so there's a lot going on in that respect. like, you have to be polite, and follow all of these rules, but no one ever tells them to you, so you just have to try and figure them out, but then sometimes you actually aren't supposed to follow that rule, or it doesn't apply, so you're just constantly toeing a line. and when you're dealing with nobility, it's even more intense, since you have to put on an air of respectability and... i don't like it.

kaz: i'm not always the best about asking for help with things, so a lot of the time i end up messing up and having to ask for help anyway, only this time it's worse and my fault. the good thing is, i don't have to do that a lot, since we're a pretty maintenance number of people and i have skills others don't, so i can stick to my expertise.

amon: i'd say... hm, i used to talk to myself a lot, but then i had to be around people other than kaya, so i started talking under my breath. only problem is, now sometimes i say things under my breath directly when i'm trying to communicate. i've been working on that, though, and have mostly got a handle on it.

tagging @illarian-rambling (tagback lol) @vyuntspakhkite-l-darling and @rkmoon since y'alls stories are AMAZING!!!! and also anyone else who wants to join it (just tag me so i can see it)

[sincerely-sofie]

45. Since you've said that just about every character you've written is a self insert, what's the character you relate to the most? Or a character that isn't yours?

45. Name a few characters you relate to?

In the TPiaG cast, I relate to everyone pretty equally! They all reflect different facets of my personality and life experiences, at least with how I've written them. As for characters that aren't mine / in TPiaG... Oof. Oh man. I'm going to embarrass myself doing this, I just know it. But here goes nothing. Now presenting the informal Sincerely-Sofie kin list!

Ranboo and TommyInnit's characters from Dream SMP

I'd never heard of Ranboo as a content creator before my friends busted in the door to my DMs to say his character was Literally Sofie and I needed to check these compilation videos of him Right This Very Second. I didn't believe them at first. But then I watched a couple vids and was like "Ah. I see. He IS Literally Sofie."

I had to avoid watching anything put out by Ranboo for his DSMP character because the guy's acting was so good I would feel down for days after watching his lore. That one scene in the panic room where he's talking with the voice in his head hit too close to home, and I couldn't watch anything else by him afterward because it would send me backsliding emotionally. It was very cathartic, don't get me wrong! But psychosis was a bit too fresh of a wound at the time for me to start revisiting.

TommyInnit's character is one that I think people might be surprised I relate to, but his prey animal rage is something I find very relatable. I might be projecting too many headcanons onto him, however. I've written a fair number of fics focusing on Tommy, and I never was certain if he was very in-character.

Hunter from The Owl House

I haven't watched The Owl House in full, and don't have the means to do so, but Oh My Word. Hunter is just me in a different outfit. Geeky little ADHD-having, people-pleasing, dumb-dumb itty bitty trauma-experiencing baby boy. I see him and I see my teenage self. That one scene in that montage where the main cast are in the human world and he gets a haircut because he's having issues with his hair being triggering? I've lived that! I hardly have to project onto him because he's already me.

Sophie from Howl's Moving Castle (the movie specifically)

Book Sophie is too sassy for me to compare myself to, haha. But movie Sophie is pretty relatable! Being hesitant yet impulsive, lacking confidence when it comes to herself but finding it easy to take a leadership role and advocate for others— heck, I even had identical hair to her when I was younger, complete with those annoying little wispy hairs coming out from her hairline! I also used to have a habit of talking to inanimate objects before anxiety beat that trait out of me.

One might assume the name was a contributing factor to me relating to her. Now would probably be a good time to reveal Sofie is just a pen name, not my real one ^^;

My Melody from Sanrio

Take my word for it: this rabbit is my fursona I commissioned from Sanrio. You all need to know that this is what I look like when I'm reading your asks + the tags on your reblogs. I was originally planning to run a blog themed around My Melody. My Melody??? More like ME Melody.

[fly-you-dam-fools]

The Hogwarts Houses as Things I’ve Done:

Hello all! This is the long-awaited not awaited at all post about which Hogwarts House you think I'm in. I've tried to be pretty secretive of it and I don't think I've spilled about it (except to one person, you know who you are) because I've been waiting for this post.

All of this stuff has actually happened to me, some stuff is pretty funny 😂

PLEASE GUESS I'd love to see your take, and once a good number of people have guessed, I promise I'll disclose my Hogwarts House 😉

So, here we begin, in order of the Sorting Hat song in the first book so there aren't any favorites:

Gryffindor

Constantly thinks about all the things you could do to make a situation go wrong

Blasting music in the room and jamming while the family is out

Blasting music in the room and jamming while the family is in

Running around a campground randomly

That Hiccup meme supporting friend 👍

Picks dare at truth or dare and gets in trouble with the school

Constantly had to explain weird situations to supervisors in elementary school

Not liking supervising people because they always blamed stuff on us (the older ones) instead of the real guilty party (people that were younger)

Stashing trinkets behind a tree that’s off-grounds

Pretending the people running behind me are Grievers (the creepy stuff in The Maze Runner movies) to motivate me to keep running, and beat them

Types up an email or message with words that aren’t 100% soft and not-treading and clicks send impulsively

Intrusive thoughts on how long something would take to drop to the ground from a high place (like a small inanimate object)

Jams to video game soundtracks and pretends to be on a quest

Looks at videos on how to do cool sword/lightsaber tricks

Can picture themselves in a music video or dancing a super complicated number

Sends memes to friends constantly

Hufflepuff

Yells “Bless you!” to a person in another room

Initiate conversations with the new kid

Gets secondhand embarrassment from videos

Thinks about doing bad things then thinks about the punishment, then does the bad thing and feels super sorry and apologizes too much only to do the whole thing over again the next day

Gives money I found on ground to higher ups (regrets it later because I could have given it to charity)

Watches video of myself who didn’t reply to someone who said “Have a nice day”, feels bad

Blushes when writing fluff

Thinks fashion moodboards for hogwarts houses should be more varied

Constantly stubs toes on things (same place repeatedly)

Actually takes one piece of candy on Halloween when there’s no one at home

Has seriously never watched a horror movie before, but still enjoys the little thrills in other movies

Makes sure others are drinking water while sometimes neglecting to do the same

Feels bad when unable to make a commitment 

Seriously finds old couples/seniors so sweet

Is absolutely and completely distracted as soon as animals enter the picture, and will spend the next 45 minutes staring at a cute little bunny on the grass (at a respectable distance of course)

Always helps people with passing things out

Ravenclaw

Wishing humans could go days without eating or sleeping just to sit in front of a computer and do nothing

Folding clothes neatly only to throw them randomly in the closet

Yells at stupid characters in the movie to do better

Has a large collection of bookmarks

Uses phone as a bookmark because we all know which is more important

Daring other people to do things and never personally playing truth or dare

Reading ahead in class reads while keeping track of who’s talking and where in the book the class is reading

“You know there’s a spell for that right?”

Putting on thinner clothes just to feel that bone-chill to feel free

Falling out of chairs. Constantly. (or sliding off)

Hearing another conversation that you’re not a part of and accidentally reacting to a joke they said

Start a thousand projects but finish none of them

Terrible sleep schedule 

Goes off on alone and runs from the friend group an entire day because you want to spend time alone and run because it’s fun

Makes schedules just to not follow them

Starts way too many projects/stories but can’t/doesn’t finish them

Slytherin

Buy plants promising to take care of them only to watch them die with a neutral face

Sign up for every type of commitment and show up at none of them

Saying to a friend to not give spoilers to a movie then searching up the plot on Wikipedia

Thinks of ways you could usurp the teacher in class

Rants in an incognito search bar 

Searching up motivational quotes just to laugh at them

Makes friendship bracelets for oneself

Constantly either loves google or hates it

Has a rivalry with the internet

Goes to Apple Stores to pull up own website on Safari

Buying friendship bracelets/necklaces but not having anyone to share them with

Racks up accomplishments and certificates but stare at them in woe because they were of the past

Signature look is literally a smirk or raised eyebrow like what do you want from me

Walks around empty places with carefully planted steps, enjoying the echo that sounds across the room

Sits on a throne/chair in that pose occasionally

Is suspicious of everything that someone holds up or interesting suggestions, immediately thinking of the possible bad outcomes and how to avoid them

This actually took me quite some time to compile (from when I first made this account!!), and feel free to reblog with your thoughts and how you relate too! This is just some things I came up with myself and thought what fit into which house~ Just have fun! Please don't repost though.

Tagging some friends because I'd like their opinion, hehe: @softbobamilktae @jinnie-forthe-winnie-recs @silvermistcosmos @jiminie-and-his-pinky-finger

(I also vaguely remember doing a similar thing with asks but I totally forgot what people said (sorry 😭) and I can't find it...)

[cuntservant]

Аня, привет! У меня есть вопрос - it's fine if you don't want to answer!

Since I'm nonbinary myself, I wanted to ask how you refer to yourself in russian? or if you know which options people use? most google results i found are from 4-5 years ago so i'm not sure if they're up to date

спасибо большое 💙

hi, renée, it's all good! i am actually thrilled to have an opportunity to rant

the other day i was listening to a podcast with a russian comedian who recently came out as non-binary, and they said they were never able to fully comprehend just how thoroughly grammatically gendered the russian language is before deciding to go by different pronouns... and i've never felt more understood lol

this is going to be kind of long, because i love to talk about languages, but i'm also not an actual linguist, so excuse me if some of my wording is off

so, there are two most common options that i know of:

the first one is они/их, the equivalent of the english they/them

russian-speaking people often have the same old complaint about it being "strictly plural", But when referring to someone with the formal "you" ("вы"), which is the same word as the plural "you", the endings of the verbs are the same too (hence, a phrase like "Как вы себя чувствуете?" ("How are you feeling?") could be used for a singular person and no one would bat an eye)*, so it certainly has potential! it becomes much trickier when you're talking in first person, though, especially in past tense, as sentences like "Я чувствовали себя отлично" ("I felt great") sound "wrong" and grammatically incorrect to an unprepared ear

the second one is оно/его, the equivalent of the english it/its

yet again, the same complaint about it being intended for inanimate objects, and, therefore, dehumanizing. but we need to remember that while words like "солнце" (sun), "яблоко" (apple) or "одеяло" (blanket) are referred to as "оно", there are also words that mean inanimate objects that are referred to as "она" ("she"), like "стена" (wall), or as "он" ("he"), like "ковёр" (rug), and that doesn't suddenly make them living things. neither does it depend on anything more than "idk, it just sounded right" — like, nobody's going to argue that a rug somehow has more masculine qualities than a wall. so, i say we are certainly capable of moving past that

there are also always neopronouns, but i don't think i'm qualified enough to talk about them, so i just won't

that leaves us with two options that both sound strange at first, but start to feel more organic the more you hear it and the more you use it. or, in other words, language is ever-evolving, and we need to quit being little bitches about it

that being said, i go by она/её in russian — the funny thing about being bilingual is that seemingly equivalent things sometimes don't feel the same at all. i'm way more comfortable with она/её than i am with she/her. though, i've noticed that i'm not a huge fan of strangers using it, so i ask to be referred to by the formal "you" and just try to avoid using the first person past tense verbs by using passive voice or Rephrasing™ instead. i wish i could use они/их for myself, but i'm not ready for all the explaining it requires, at least yet

*i also came up with a different example, but i'm not sure how it classifies lol. anyway, sentences like, for example, "i was told" translate the same way as "they told me" — "мне сказали". even if it was just one person. all the more reasons to get over the fear of the singular "они"!

[kimstaana]

time is a monopoly : memory is a software

"moments later, i was all alone on a highway on pre-new year’s day thinking about what happened and hoping that that was one of those times we both lived in a state of self-regulating amnesia so that we can just forget."

does anybody feel the growing urge to take a trip down memory lane when the new year's approaching? the sudden feeling of going over how you spent the past 365 days of your life? and having void when you sense that you haven’t really taken enough time to fathom your recent memories or at least, grow past them? then, in an instant, you’re taken aback by how far you’re from moving on.

and does anybody ease the intensifying feeling by decluttering? by trying to fill the void in the act of both dumping and hoarding inanimate objects, may it be physical or digital? it can be old photos taken randomly in your memory card, expired negative film rolls you still used but didn’t bother to process, self-burned cds filled with illegally downloaded music and pirated films, hand-written letters from people you no longer talk to anymore, cake boards from your past birthdays, memorable and extremely tiring bus tickets, movie stubs from theaters you almost slept to, cringy high school slam book, and even failing grade school report cards.

i don’t know what got me into this high-functioning yet self-deprecating interest but truth be told, i’m a sentimental hoarder with ironic interest in decluttering. is it the self-reflecting facet? is it the fact that it brushes off the yearning? or is it because it reaffirms the need for a new start? i think it’s somewhere along those lines. i just know that there are times that i find comfort in decluttering anything lying around unused and projecting it as the better way to end the year—a restart to a clean slate.

the annual feeling clings to the overtly overused “new year, new me”, “new year, new beginning”, and “new year, new life” philosophy. surely, it’s about sentimentality but partly, it’s how it consoles the letting go and starts over the loop of life.

“you can't just throw out people the way you throw out things.”, protagonist jean says in nawapol thamrongrattanarit’s 2019 film, happy old year. it may come off as excessively dramatic but that’s how i ended 2021. not the usual decluttering, i was blunt and unfeeling as i throw out almost everything away, disregarding what they used to mean to me. i can reason that it’s because of the great isolation i was forced into that i began to pilot a general cleaning both literally and emotionally.

by the 1st of december last year, i was sorting every item that captured a moment in the past that hit pretty close to home. i knew my memory works as a self-defense mechanism, in its selectiveness, it archives my experiences that are most useful, regardless of them being good or bad that is why i made sure that i’d toss anything like it’s a done deal and that it will all be over if i throw things away already. but you know, sometimes, i feel like a lot of the things that i like to keep are from other people.

by the end of the month of the same year, hours between the 30th and 31st of december, i found myself declaring my love to my college best friend. it wasn’t rushed but it seemed totally abrupt. i’ve been thinking of confessing for the longest time but it was the admission of feelings that would outright stain the friendship that held me back. some people hold some memories dearer than others sometimes. i'm just like that and he's that memory for me. he is knotted to specific places that belong to the past even when it’s already been demolished. he is knotted to a specific time that belongs to the past even when it already happened. a still vivid memory that i’d keep. an intangible place that i’d go to. an irreversible time that i’d relive.

it was a long time coming, i told him i had feelings for him but i’m only doing it to let go of what feels like one-sided baggage i had to carry for a long time already. i don’t spill my guts to anyone and in his case, i felt like i already made it clear through my actions—he was my first confession and hopefully not the last. i told him not to say something or even react, he tried but i could tell he was overwhelmed and i was too devoid of departure.

that night felt like the longest night ever and it felt like we weren’t moving from the time and space that witnessed my confession. as we approach the terminal to call it a night, i didn’t let him come along with me like before, instead, i insisted to walk him up first so he’ll be the first to leave. moments later, i was all alone on a highway on pre-new year’s day thinking about what happened and hoping that that was one of those times we both lived in a state of self-regulating amnesia so that we can just forget.

the impermanence of things that used to remind me of him lets me translate what it means to “forget”—and why it isn’t bad if i still can’t get better while i’m at it. still, it’s not just about the bittersweet revelation that not everyone, even the closest people, can truly yield an ending they want, even if i pretend that that’s the case. it’s also the struggle with decluttering of relationships that we stored together in the things we shared.

sometimes, some things make me realize that moving on by decluttering is more than just throwing away things. it also means confronting the ghosts that come with it. from time to time, the mindless dumping reminds me to rue the day. to remember that a lifetime’s worth of very cluttered memories stands in the way and it’s not always about bypassing the painful parts—sometimes, moving forward requires a lot of attention and absorption.

it’s impossible to go full marie kondo or be out of our minds and just declutter things that don't spark joy anymore—to hurl things away without the slightest sign of hesitation but i felt like i did it that night. on the way home, i felt the inconsiderable regret of actually throwing something out, the heartbreaking reflection of something that cannot be changed. i know our own need to exonerate ourselves from feelings, regardless of the consequences for the other person, can sometimes ultimately be selfish especially when it’s all of a sudden—i’ll admit, my confession to him wasn’t for our friendship, but for my own closure.

oftentimes, i forget people and moments because there’s barely a physical totem to hold on but when sentimentality takes over, it becomes hard for me to let anything go, the least i can do is to remind myself that memories don’t live in things, it’s within me. everything that happened in the past had been recorded somewhere in my head already. after throwing some things, i’m going to remember what i’ve put into the trash bag one way or another anyway.

happy new year, friends!

[disco-elysium-via-polls]

3. "For supra-natural reasons."

+5 XP

KIM KITSURAGI - "There are no supra-natural reasons," he says, marking something in his notebook.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success] - I am less sceptic about this hunch, he thinks, than I was of the supra-natural premonitions that overtook you at the trash container. He then covers his nose again...

2. [Inland Empire - Medium 11] "Tell me, who are you, dead man?"

THE HANGED MAN - I'm gone.

Where have you gone?

I can see you're gone, but *who* are you?

What is happening?

I hate you. You stink and you're boring.

Why were you feeling pleasure when you died?

Enough.

THE HANGED MAN - Into the wild pale yonder.

Where is that?

THE HANGED MAN - In the past. Way out west.

2. I can see you're gone, but *who* are you?

THE HANGED MAN - I'm a joke. Look at me.

There's nothing funny about you.

You are now, but who were you when you were alive?

THE HANGED MAN - There is nothing funny about jokes, either.

Who were you when you were alive?

THE HANGED MAN - A killer. A motherfucker and a killer.

I have another question for you.

THE HANGED MAN - Go ahead, Copo.

3. What is happening?

THE HANGED MAN - What do you mean?

I'm talking to you.

Never mind, I wanted to...

THE HANGED MAN - It's the power of your... (Black, frothy liquid starts bubbling on his lips...)

IMAGINATION.

HORRIFIC NECKTIE - Yeah man, don't be *crazy*. Inanimate objects and dead people can't really talk to you, your *wild imagination* is doing this -- ask some more of those questions you love so much!

THE HANGED MAN - He *loves* those.

4. Why *do* I love questions so much?

THE HANGED MAN - Because you're a copparooni. Look at all of them go! Do you want more questions?

No, I'm good.

Yeah, give me questions.

Give me a comical amount of questions.

THE HANGED MAN - Comin' right up, copparooni Roonie. This is getting up-beat now!

5. Is my name Roonie?

THE HANGED MAN - Fuck no, you're no Roonie.

I do strike myself as a Roonie.

Roonie is obviously not who I am.

Of course not. The name is Raphael Ambrosius Costeau.

THE HANGED MAN - Listen to yourself... You're not a Raphael anything. You're probably just Harry or something. That's right... *Harry*.