#and there's just a mountain-sized statue of... some guy? probably a god???

[radiantmists]

he xuan spending years trying to break out of the kiln: -_-

the massive xie lian statue in the corner:

🙂

[thebonggirll]

chapter thirteen

< previous: chapter twelve

They had to walk for almost an hour before they found a path that led up to the road. It came upon the east side of the river. Then they straggled back toward the dam. It was cold and windy on top. On one side, a big lake spread out, ringed by barren desert mountains. On the other side, the dam dropped away like the world's most dangerous skateboard ramp, down to the river seven hundred feet below, and water that churned from the dam's vents.

Thalia walked in the middle of the road, far away from the edges. Grover kept sniffing the wind and looking nervous. He didn't say anything but he probably smelled monsters.

"How close are they?" Percy asked him.

He shook his head. "Maybe not close. The wind on the dam, the desert all around us... the scent can probably carry for miles. But it's coming from several directions. I don't like that."

"There's a snack bar in the visitor center," Thalia said.

"You've been here before?" Percy asked.

"Once. To see the guardians." She pointed to the far end of the dam. Carved into the side of the cliff was a little plaza with two big bronze statues. They looked kind of like Oscar statues with wings.

"They were dedicated to Zeus when the dam was built," Thalia said. "A gift from Athena."

Tourists were clustered all around them. They seemed to be looking at the statues' feet.

"What are they doing?" he asked.

"Rubbing the toes," Thalia said. "They think it's good luck."

"Why?"

She shook her head. "Mortals get crazy ideas. They don't know the statues are sacred to Zeus, but they know there's something special about them."

"When you were here last, did they talk to you or anything?"

Thalia's expression darkened, "No. They don't do anything. They're just big metal statues."

"Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."

Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"

Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"

"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."

Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom." Y/N's face darkened as she whispered, "Me too."

Maybe it was the fact that they were so tired and strung out emotionally, but everyone started cracking up, while Zoe just looked at them. "I do not understand."

"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.

"And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam T-shirt."

Percy probably would've kept laughing all day, but then he heard a noise: "Moooo."

The smile melted off his face. He wondered if the noise was just in his head, but Grover had stopped laughing too. He was looking around, confused. "Did I just hear a cow?"

"A dam cow?" Thalia laughed.

"No," Grover said. "I'm serious."

Zoe listened. "I hear nothing."

Thalia was looking at him, "Percy, are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said. "You guys go ahead. I'll be right in."

"What's wrong?" Grover asked.

"Nothing," he said. "I... I just need a minute. To think."

They hesitated, but finally went into the visitor center without him.

"Thalia," Y/N said, "....I think I just got my period."

"Now?" she asked, "Wasn't it supposed to come like a week later or something?"

"You think I don't know that?!" she said out of embarrassment, "And I need to change out of these pants too. Thank god I'm wearing black."

"Do you have extra pair of pants?" she asked.

"No, I just have tampons," Y/N sighed, "It's so fucking uncomfortable!"

"..Wait, Zoe might be able to help," Thalia said and turned to her, "...Do you have anything? Anything her size?"

"I do," Zoe said, "Come on."

"....So you guys are just gonna leave me alone here?" Grover asked.

"....I mean, you can join us in our bloody adventure if you want to," Y/N chuckled. Thalia laughed at her comment, while Grover shook his head in disapproval and walked away.

As soon as Y/N was done changing, she stepped out of the stall in the restroom and washed her hands. It looked like Zoe left while Thalia waited for her.

"You know you're gonna have to talk to him in this journey at some point, right?" she asked.

"Yeah," Y/N said, "I know when we have to talk and when it's not required."

"You haven't said a word to him since I said that. It makes me feel like it's my fault," Thalia sighed.

"To be honest, you are at fault for like 20 percent. But I'm so done with him right now."

"He's dying to talk to you and you know that."

"I don't think so. He would've talked if he wanted to. Besides, he doesn't want us to become strangers I guess. And that's why he's doing this. He wants us to become friends again but you know what? Just like him, I'm beginning to have trust issues regarding this whole group. I don't wanna force myself to be in a place where I feel unwanted."

"You're not forcing yourself-"

"I know but no matter what you say, whatever goes on in this group makes me feel unwanted. So yeah, I'm just gonna do whatever makes me happy from this point. There's no use trying to make Percy and Annabeth feel less guilty and lying about being friends. In the long run, it's better for all of us."

They walked out of the stall and went to order their food with Zoe and Grover. The cafe was packed with kids enjoying the best part of the tour—the dam lunch. They were just sitting down with their food when Percy appeared in front of them gasping for air.

"We need to leave. Now!"

Okay, so angel statues saving the group from the skeletons? Check.

Forcing Nereus to tell about the monster? Uh, well he tricked them with an irrelevant answer. So no check.

Mr. D saving their ass after almost getting killed by Dr. Thorn, the manticore, and the guards assisting him? Check. Yes, this one seems almost unreal. Dionysus really got on their nerves but he did fulfill his responsibility when it was a serious matter.  As a matter of fact, he even got Percy's name right. Although he denied it later.

All around them, the manticore's minions were still acting completely nuts. One of them had found their friend the homeless guy, and they were having a serious conversation about metal angels from Mars. Several other guards were harassing the tourists, making animal noises, and trying to steal their shoes.

Percy looked at Zoe. "What did he mean… 'You know where to go'?"

Her face was the color of the fog. She pointed across the bay, past the Golden Gate. In the distance, a single mountain rose up above the cloud layer.

"The garden of my sisters," she said. "I must go home. But, we will never make it. We are moving too slow. But we cannot leave the Ophiotaurus."

"Mooo," Bessie said. He swam next to him as they jogged along the waterfront. They'd left the shopping center pier far behind and headed toward the Golden Gate Bridge, but it was a lot farther than they'd realized. The sun was already dipping in the west.

"I don't get it," Percy said. "Why do we have to get there at sunset?"

"The Hesperides are the nymphs of the sunset," Zoe said. "We can only enter their garden as day changes to night."

"What happens if we miss it?"

"Tomorrow is the winter solstice. If we miss sunset tonight, we would have to wait until tomorrow evening. And by then, the Olympian Council will be over. We must free Lady Artemis tonight."

Or Annabeth will be dead, he thought but didn't say that.

"We need a car," Thalia said.

"But what about Bessie?" he asked.

Grover stopped in his tracks. "I've got an idea! The Ophiotaurus can appear in different bodies of water, right?"

"Well, yeah," Percy said. "I mean, he was in Long Island Sound. Then he just popped into the water at Hoover Dam. And now he's here."

"So maybe we could coax him back to Long Island Sound," Grover said. "Then Chiron could help us get him to Olympus."

"But he was following me. If I'm not there, would he know where he's going?"

Although Grover was reluctant about getting into the water again after the experience of drowning in the sea of monsters, he was willing to do whatever it takes to help them. In the end, Percy agreed to it.

"Dad," he said. "Help us. Get the Ophiotaurus and Grover safely to camp. Protect them at sea."

"A prayer like that needs a sacrifice," Thalia said. "Something big."

He thought for a second and took off his coat.

"Percy," Grover said. "Are you sure? That lion skin… that's really helpful. Hercules used it!"

As soon as he said that, Percy realized something.

He glanced at Zoe momentarily and said, "If I'm going to survive, it won't be because I've got a lion-skin cloak. I'm not Hercules."

He threw the coat into the bay. It turned back into a golden lion skin, flashing in the light. Then, as it began to sink beneath the waves, it seemed to dissolve into the sunlight on the water. The sea breeze picked up.

Grover took a deep breath. "Well, no time to lose."

"....So where can we get the car?" Y/N asked after Grover left.

"Thalia's right," Percy said. "We need a car. But there's nobody to help us here. Unless we, uh, borrowed one."

He didn't like that option. It was stealing, and it was bound to get them noticed. Percy realized that this was the first time after long days of battling with monsters and traveling that they spoke with each other. Sure, it was regarding the urgent matter that made them talk but so far, she only talked when the whole group was present.

Clearly, she was ignoring him ever since that day. And frankly, they didn't exactly have the time to think or talk about it. He wanted to though. It made him feel something that he didn't ever feel before. No, not even after arguing with Annabeth so much.

As a matter of fact, not even when Annabeth is in trouble. Sure he's scared for her but this feeling was different. It only increased as time passed without Y/N talking to him.

A sense of emptiness. A sense of...longing.

Percy was sure she wouldn't be able to stay mad at him for long but this time she was really pissed. Enough to make her look at him as less as possible. It felt like she didn't want to see his face.

Almost like she's on this mission solely for her sense of duty towards Annabeth. Not because they're friends.

Not for him.

"Wait," Thalia said. She started rifling through her backpack. "There is somebody in San Francisco who can help us. I've got the address here somewhere."

"Who?" Percy asked, snapping out of his thoughts.

Y/N furrowed her brows hearing him. How did he not know this? They've been in a relationship for almost two years and he didn't know this?

Even she knew about it. In fact, it was unnatural for him to not know about it. Surely Annabeth must've mentioned her boyfriend. Something was wrong in their relationship. Earlier Grover escaped from the conversation so there was no one who could tell her about it. But, well.

It's none of her business. Not anymore.

Thalia pulled out a crumpled piece of notebook paper and held it up. "Professor Chase. Annabeth's dad."

next: chapter fourteen >

book three: the titan’s curse

percy jackson x reader series

MASTERLIST

Tags: @the-natureofme @sly-prince @kookiedesi @instabull @jumpingtrainsandflyingskies @idk-bye-no @your-typical-giggle @fjschl​ @imuziawi​ @iamparou​ @marshmallow12435​

[love-hatred-stuff]

Villain's girl } Im Changkyun [monsta x]

genre: royal/soldier au, vampire au

warning(s): mentions of war(indirect), kind of kidnapping

word count: 1.9k

He, he was perfect, but I just wasn't ready to get involved with him.

I knew I would regret it because we needed each other. But he just hurt me too much. No, actually I really didn't care about myself. Still, I ran away from him again, probably the most unnecessary decision of my life. The only thing that stood in my way was my fear of the gilding of his life. I simply wasn't worth it, was I?

before:...

I was lying on a green meadow that was on a mountain. Hundreds of Lisianthus flowers had grown next to me. I loved them, their scent, their colors and also their sizes. They had a calm effect on me because I had known them since my short childhood.

I've been looking after myself since I was ten years old. My parents? Probably dead. They had left me for a reason unknown to me, but I hadn't thought about it for a long time, because it had racked my mind for the next thirteen years after they disappeared.

Now I was lying here and as far as I knew it was my birthday that day. I couldn't exactly remember that date, but I had celebrated it over and over again on the same day for a long time.

It wasn't a big deal to me as it wouldn't change anything in my life but I was finally eighteen.

The sun had just started to rise, but I wanted to start the day like this, with a quiet hour on my favorite meadow in the morning sun that smiled at me. Unfortunately she was the only one who did that.

Often times I would lie there all night and watch the stars. I was more than lonely, for many years I hadn't met anyone except soldiers who attacked and burned villages, as well as my house eight years ago.

I lost my parents, my house, my food and everything else I owned. Even if it wasn't much, my already small property shrunk even more. But I had to take it for what I was, what I was trying to do.

Despite my health, which had kept up well, I had thoughts of suicide several times. Jumping off a cliff is, eating any branches and herbs. And after a few temptations, I gave up. I couldn't do that to myself yet.

As slowly as possible, I got up to look for something to eat. I didn't really liked to go hunting because I was very fond of animals and hated to hurt them, so I mostly ate berries or mushrooms.

Except once a week, I took my bow with arrow to get me a hearty meal.

When I finally got up on my two legs, I ran and went to my hut, which I had built a long time ago from branches and bushes.

I was there in no time, but something bothered me. Everything was still in its place, but I could make out a musty smell of smoke, which made me cringe.

I looked around silently and indeed, about half a mile away, a huge gray cloud was making its way through the trees.

My heart pounded alarm and without thinking twice, I sprinted in the opposite direction from which the possible fire was coming.

At the moment I didn't care about my growling stomach, nor my hut.

After a while of running I could hear voices in the direction I was walking towards.

I slowly walked slowly in order to be able to listen to every sound, no matter how small. But suddenly a soldier was standing in front of me who looked at me with a grin. I was wearing only a thin, white, yet dirty dress that hung airily up to my knees.

Uncomfortable, that's how I felt. I had never had closer contact with men, how could I (?).

"Well, who do we have here?" The soldier mockingly said.

I just widened my eyes, not to mention my mouth, which had been open since I saw him.

After a short time, more and more soldiers came and looked at me, but I was frozen. People were so fascinating but at the same time so nauseating. The soldier, who was still grinning stupidly at me, stepped closer and grabbed my hand.

"The little one must have forgotten how to speak. But she is breathtakingly beautiful. Take a look at her, guys!" He asked his men to examine me too, which is why they all took a few steps closer.

"Hey!" I heard it from not far away, in the woods.

The one whose voice it was now also ran towards me, which made me take some steps back.

"Don't touch her! She's an innocent one!" The soldier who was now standing in my immediate vicinity.

Fortunately for me, he now attracted the attention that had been on me. He pushed the others away from me, who then stumbled backwards. Then he grabbed my wrist and I felt a heat rise in me instantly, it was a completely new feeling.

I looked into a prominent face with defined cheekbones, which made him look very masculine to me. He looked like someone that could be royal, naturally beautiful.

He looked at me out of his intense brown eyes in which I could have lost myself in, in a matter of seconds.

He raised his hand, pushed a strand of hair out of my face and touched my cheek in the process. All I could do was to stay still like a statue and admire his figure.

His dark black hair that was a little messed up and some strands also graced his face.

A cold but pleasant shiver ran down my spine from his touch. I was fascinated by his looks, it seemed like he looked like a friendly devil. Although his features seemed absolutely flawless, he radiated a dark aura. I couldn't see it but I could sense it. He also had broad shoulders from which two muscular arms protruded. He was looking like a God next to me.

"She really is quite acceptable. Nevertheless, she has to come with me." He pulled me by the arm to the horses, which were not far away at a campsite.

Damn. I should have run faster, now I have to go with them if I don't get a chance to get out of here. I blamed myself silently.

The men were in the majority and clearly superior to me.

The Soldier's grin was quite strong and even when we were already in one of the tents, he was still holding onto my arm tightly. After we I hissed in pain.

Besides all that, I was still totally in shock as it was my first close contact with people in many years.

Suddenly he stopped and took a close look at my body, me not really thinking anything, because I first had to get used to people's behavior and body language.

With his gaze he stopped where he had gripped me tightly to probably prevent me from running away, but slowly the pressure got too big and hurt. Immediately he let go, but he took a closer look at the now yellow spots that adorned my arm.

They weren't the only wounds I had, I kept getting injured and accordingly had blood wounds or scratches all over the place. We were alone in the tent and he finally broke the silence.

"Who did this to you?" He asked, pointing to my wounds, like the blood stain on my dress, over my stomach. At first I didn't know what he meant but then I understood. He meant if I had been hurt by someone else.

"Nobody." I answered clearly and looked up into his wonderful eyes that flashed at me.

"What's your name?" Was his next question.

"Y/n. I think." I guessed to myself.

My name had never been relevant, but I still had vague memories from my childhood and how I was often addressed by that name back then. In the other moment, his gaze softened. He put a strand behind my ear again, as he had earlier. My attention went to his full lips which he twisted into a small grin.

“You are beautiful, Y/n. You will be mine I promise it. Nobody's going to get you." He said with determination.

What did he say? Was that just a compliment? If so, then they sound really nice, but actually I didn't really know what they meant to me. Although I could speak his language fluently and had a good vocabulary to choose from, I wasn't up to date.

"What do you mean?" I was taught to ask when you didn't understand someone, so I did just that.

"Means that we will take you to the palace where you can be sold." He suddenly changed his face and removed his hand from my cheek where it had lingered for a moment.

He had just changed his mind from one second to the other. He wanted me to be his and complimented me, so what now? Now he just wanted to drag me along and let me get sold? Great, I probably wouldn't find a way out on all these soldiers.

"But, to whom should I be sold?" If it was to my advantage I would accept it, then I would no longer be alone and would finally be among people who were equal to me.

"To some rich snob." He simply replied.

I was surprised at his sudden change of heart, but it was the chance for me to finally escape this hole. It had made me sink deeper and deeper until that point. I was redeemed.

"You have to change. We'll stay here one more night before we leave." He stepped away from me and took a white dress down from a kind of drawer, to give it to me afterwards.

A little baffled, I stood there and took the soft fabric towards me. It was soft and embroidered with small flowers.

"Thanks, where should I change and where should I sleep?" I asked briefly.

"Change here. There's a bed back there, behind the curtain. You will sleep with me, I don’t want you to run away." He answered less summarily.

Only after a short moment I could understand what he wanted from me. He was still standing right in front of my feet and looking down at me.

"So I'm supposed to change here and now?" I asked with disbelief in my voice.

"Yes, you should." He persisted.

I suspected he wouldn't give in, so I told him to at least turn around. Then he innocently raised his hands to shoulder height and obeyed my request. When he let his hands fall again, I pushed my dirty dress off my body, which meant that I stood in front of him, completely bare for a moment. Fortunately, he was standing with his back turned to me. But even if not, I would probably have obeyed, because I didn't know whether I corresponded to the typical image of women and had never had unpleasant situations like this before. That's why I never had a reason to be ashamed of my body. But as I stood in front of him I realized how important it actually was to be able to see someone like that.

I quickly slipped into the fresh dress, which clung to my thin body and my delicate curves. It actually looked very pretty, but I could hardly judge it because I still had no taste for fashion.

"You can turn around." I wanted to point out, but my words got stuck in my throat when I noticed that he had already turned around.

I had focused on my dress the whole time and trusted it. Obviously this was a mistake.

-to be continued-

[demialwrites]

It Will Be Okay - Zhongli

I need more covid 19-related comfort. I don't even know how you guys who work are dealing. I'm struggling just at home!!

A novel disease swept through Liyue harbour. Everyone was on edge constantly, living in fear of being infected. Those who were, were bedridden for weeks. It brought productivity to a halt and some of those at the top of government squabbled over whether to let no shipments through or only a few. A couple--fools, you'd say--said let business run as usual. Those with the final say chose to slow business to a trickle. You happened to have one of the jobs that couldn't be abandoned. Even if you didn't, you would still be exhausted. You were tired from being afraid, tired from looking at other people being tired, and tired from the increased workload. Going to bed, your sleep was restless and stressful. Bad dreams came almost every night. Soon you were a zombie, going through the motions and taking what little joy you could from a favourite snack and your family. You couldn't see your friends and went straight home from work to avoid any crowds. Tonight, however, you found an empty spot up some of the stairs that had the red railings. The café had shut down but there was enough light to hang out nearby. The sun had set early and the soft light of the moon was calming. A few stars even twinkled. You barely registered that you were nodding off before you fell asleep.

You woke to see the moon, still. Except you weren't leaning on the red railing anymore. It was something warm and hard. Trying to move, you found you were stuck in place, even when pushing against whatever was around you. "Hmmm. You're awake," rumbled a deep, serene voice. You really should be panicking. Really! But the voice was soothing and even. Its qualities conveyed, Everything may not be okay but it will be. Not with words but you'd take it. The warm and hard holding you shifted and circled. It was too rough and pulled at your clothing, so you squirmed and protested. The movement halted. "I forgot my scales were rough. Allow me to fix that." The movement started up again but in different directions. You braced yourself on those scales the voice mentioned. You could see what surrounded you now. Gold glinted gently in the moonlight. You pushed on the surface and it gave under your fingers like the extra weight you put on recently. A dark brown snout, yellow eyes, followed by the rest of a head, came into view. You knew those branch-like horns! "Rex Lapis!" you blurted. "I am not Rex Lapis." The dragon spoke without moving its mouth. "My name is Zhongli. I saw you fall in the middle of the city. You were asleep so I didn't wake you." You stayed there, confused. If not Rex Lapis, then who? "I brought you to the cliff," he continued. "It's one of my favourite views. My body will shield you from the ocean wind. If you keep pressing on my stomach, it will tickle though." You jerked your hand away. "Don't worry. If you want to go home, I will let go of you. However," Zhongli hesitated, tilting his large head. "Being here reminded me of a great battle that took place..." His voice drifted at the end and hinted there was more if you wanted to hear it. He waited for a reply with an almond-shaped yellow eye fixed on your face. Maybe you should have said no and demanded he released you but you wanted an excuse to forget about the mess that Liyue was for now. Also, who would turn down a bedtime story from a dragon?! "...and then?" you asked. Zhongli snuffed through his reptilian nostrils. He seemed pleased. He launched into a story back when Rex Lapis battled a sea monster. You thought it was strange that this dragon knew a detailed story about the geo god after the denial. You listened, doing your best to imagine everything he told you. It was difficult. Not because he was a bad story-teller but because you were still tired and his voice was still soothing, forcing you slowly down into slumber. Even more so when he hit a stride with his words. He continued to slowly spin the ancient tale even when you closed your eyes and let your cheek fall to his soft belly. Zhongli eventually noticed your even, deep breathing. Keeping a close eye on your fragile body, he carefully arranged his long, snake-like body so that it hugged you on all sides and supported your head. He could feel your abdomen expand when you breathed. He dared squeeze a bit tighter and faintly felt your heartbeat. Relaxing again, he inwardly repeated the promise that he would do his best to protect the people of Liyue, even if he wasn't their god anymore. You woke up annoyed that you left the window open last night to let the bright sunlight in. Blinking away the sleepiness, you remembered where you actually were. But gone was the dragon and in his place was a dragon-like man. His features were the same colour scheme as the dragon so it was easy for you to make the connection. Plus, he held you as he did the night before, just with arms. Strangely, you felt as secure in these arms as you did when you had been wrapped in a dragon's long body. He was still bigger than you but decidedly more human-shaped. He gazed off into the distance, unaware that you were looking up at him with your mouth hanging open. It did give you time to look him over. The hard scales from last night apparently trailed up his body to his cheeks because they glinted in the morning sun as clouds passed by. He dipped his chin thoughtfully, bringing your attention to the branch-like horns still on his head, just smaller. Seeing a handsome blend of man and dragon was fascinating. It took a lot of effort not to reach up and rudely run your fingers along his scales. His grip tightened slightly and he looked down. Your eyes met and you discovered that his eyes were a unique blend of the yellow eyes he had last night and brown. He dipped his chin, staring at you more closely. You recoiled, like you had been caught doing something naughty. That caused him to smile gently. He helped you to your feet while you tried to feel that Zhongli's appearance was normal. That it was normal to have a snake-body trailing behind him. A quick transformation back to completely dragon and he set to work trying to convince you to let him carry you back to the city on his back. You glanced over the side of the nearby cliff, which was steep, and promptly agreed. You climbed on and hesitantly gripped his horns. He didn't protest and instead glided smoothly down the mountain towards the wooden docks of the harbour. After stepping awkwardly off Zhongli, you turned to glance around and see if anyone had noticed your arrival. You turned back to find a handsome, slickly-dressed man, patting his clothes down with brown gloves. The rest of his outfit matched, brown and gold. He definitely looked richer than you, and normal-sized. After fussing some, Zhongli looked up from his clothes at you. You looked away quickly, fearing he might think you were checking him out again. "The dockworkers are still asleep at this hour," he informed you. "Are you uncomfortable after I took you away from your bed last night? The least I can do is walk you home." He politely gestured for you to lead the way. As if the man wasn't clearly above your status! You weren't aching at all but you felt like if you said goodbye, he might vanish, never to be seen by you again. "O-okay." You led him in the direction of your apartment, purposefully slowly. Your tiny place probably cost less than his clothes. The mysterious dragon-man distracted you from your anxious thoughts by stopping to check a tea house for some tea leaves, saying that he should also treat you to some tea. After politely declining, he insisted. You didn't feel like you could say no, especially since he had some tidbits about each kind of tea that you were happy to absorb. He seemed to have a tab running with the shopkeeper because he purchased some tea without handing over any mora. Again, Zhongli stopped to get each of you a pastry to match the tea. He said, with a strange amount of authority in his voice, that the pastries he got matched the tea perfectly. He said nothing about your cheap apartment while inside. He then coaxed a tea that was so lacking in bitterness from your tiny kettle on your tiny stove that you swear it tasted sweet. You sat at your table, red-faced and embarrassed, that such a man was making you tea. He never said a thing about it. He only brought up anything slightly related when he picked up a cheap knickknack decorating your table. "I have never seen these before," he muttered to himself, then placed it back. He said that with such a lack of judgment that you finally started to feel at ease. You were first to sip the tea. Praise burst from you, causing him to smile gently as he was cradling his teacup to his lips. He seemed to be pleased that you enjoyed the tea as much as he did. The pastry was also a hit with you. It was as perfect as he said it would be. Teatime with Zhongli was relaxing and you didn't want it to end. You began to prod him with hesitant questions about things you thought he might know about. It was like poking a hole in a water balloon; information flowed out and didn't stop flowing the more you asked. He didn't deflate and run out of things to say but you did discover that you were late for work, judging by the angle of the sunlight out the window. Thankfully, the pastries had been eaten and the tea was cold by then. Zhongli insisted on talking to your boss about your being late. You didn't know what he could do but it couldn't hurt. Money talked in Liyue and his clothes screamed lots of it. To your astonishment, Zhongli was able to distract your boss from her scorn with his disarming confidence and good manners. She forgot all about your lateness. All she did was ask later where you got this new friend. And also, can we sell the funeral parlor he works for some of our goods? A funeral parlor? Who is this man? You thanked Zhongli for the tea and pastries. He thanked you for the good company, which made you blush. He told you to drop by his place of work when you next brewed that tea, as he had left the rest of it at your apartment. He promised to bring more pastries. You agreed immediately, forgetting to ask exactly who he was. You watched him leave, swearing you would find the courage somewhere to follow up on your agreement. You don't break agreements in Liyue. Months later, the city was still in semi-shutdown. You had taken to sleeping in. Your new boyfriend, Zhongli, was not happy with staying in but he was happy to be with you. In his hybrid state, he held you from behind his arms with his tail was wrapped around your leg. Warm and cozy. You both lay in his bed, because his sheets were tough enough to not be shredded by his scales and also...it was so much nicer than your bed. It made you smile just being here. "We could get takeout and dine at the peak of the mountain of your choice," he suggested. Not even opening your eyes, you replied, "Later. Lunch, maybe?" He hummed. A minute passed. He insisted, "I will tell you a secret if you accompany me for breakfast." You opened your eyes and rolled over onto your back. His tail uncoiled and settled loosely over your ankles. You knew him by now. If you agreed, it was a verbal contract that he would take seriously. "It had better be a good secret. A juicy one." "You agree to my terms?" A teasing lilt in his voice. "Yes." "...I used to be known as Rex Lapis." You flew up from the bed into a sitting position. "I knew it!" "Hmmm. Why didn't you tell me?" "I thought it would be rude. You're so polite." "Well, now you know and now we can have breakfast." He pulled himself to sit at the edge of the bed so that his tail hung off the side. It soon became legs. "Bring your wallet, Dear." He waved dismissively.

[kookie-doughs]

Y/N L/N AND THE HALFBLOODS

Percy Jackson X Reader

-Y/N L/N met Percy Jackson and everything was now ruined.

CHAPTER 15: Spiders Aren't Water Proof

The next afternoon, June 14, seven days before the solstice, our train rolled into Denver. We hadn't eaten since the night before in the dining car, somewhere in Kansas. We hadn't taken a shower since Half-Blood Hill, and I was sure that was obvious. "Let's try to contact Chiron," Annabeth said. "I want to tell him about your talk with the river spirit." "We can't use phones, right?" "I'm not talking about phones." We wandered through downtown for about half an hour, though I wasn't sure what Annabeth was looking for. The air was dry and hot, which felt weird after the humidity of St. Louis. Everywhere we turned, the Rocky Mountains seemed to be staring at me, like a tidal wave about to crash into the city. Finally we found an empty do-it-yourself car wash. We veered toward the stall farthest from the street, keeping our eyes open for patrol cars. We were four adolescents hanging out at a car wash without a car; any cop worth his doughnuts would figure we were up to no good. "What exactly are we doing?" Percy asked, as Grover took out the spray gun. "It's seventy-five cents," he grumbled. "I've only got two quarters left. Annabeth?" "Don't look at me," she said. "The dining car wiped me out." I fished out my last bit of change and passed Grover a quarter, which left me two nickels and one drachma from Medusa's place. "Excellent," Grover said. "We could do it with a spray bottle, of course, but the connection isn't as good, and my arm gets tired of pumping." "What are you talking about?" He fed in the quarters and set the knob to FINE MIST. "I-M'ing." "Instant messaging?" "Iris-messaging," Annabeth corrected. "The rainbow goddess Iris carries messages for the gods. If you know how to ask, and she's not too busy, she'll do the same for half-bloods." "You summon the goddess with a spray gun?" Grover pointed the nozzle in the air and water hissed out in a thick white mist. "Unless you know an easier way to make a rainbow."

Sure enough, late afternoon light filtered through the vapor and broke into colors. Annabeth held her palm out to me. "Drachma, please." I handed it over. She raised the coin over her head. "O goddess, accept our offering." She threw the drachma into the rainbow. It disappeared in a golden shimmer. "Half-Blood Hill," Annabeth requested. For a moment, nothing happened. Then I was looking through the mist at strawberry fields, and the Long Island Sound in the distance. We seemed to be on the porch of the Big House. Standing with his back to us at the railing was a sandy-haired guy in shorts and an orange tank top. He was holding a bronze sword and seemed to be staring intently at something down in the meadow. "Luke!" I called. He turned, eyes wide. I could swear he was standing three feet in front of me through a screen of mist, except I could only see the part of him that appeared in the rainbow. "Y/N!" His scarred face broke into a grin. "Is that Annabeth and Percy, too? Thank the gods! Are you guys okay?" "We're... uh... fine," Annabeth stammered. She was madly straightening her dirty T-shirt, trying to comb the loose hair out of her face. "We thought—Chiron—I mean—" "He's down at the cabins." Luke's smile faded. "We're having some issues with the campers. Listen, is everything cool with you? Is Grover all right?" "I'm right here," Grover called. He held the nozzle out to one side and stepped into Luke's line of vision. "What kind of issues?" Just then a big Lincoln Continental pulled into the car wash with its stereo turned to maximum hip-hop. As the car slid into the next stall, the bass from the subwoofers vibrated so much, it shook the pavement. "Chiron had to—what's that noise?" Luke yelled. "I'll take care of it.'" Annabeth yelled back, looking very relieved to have an excuse to get out of sight. "Grover, come on! "What?" Grover said. "But—" "Give Percy the nozzle and come on!" she ordered. Grover muttered something about girls being harder to understand than the Oracle at Delphi, then he handed me the spray gun and followed Annabeth. Percy readjusted the hose so we could keep the rainbow going and still see Luke. "Chiron had to break up a fight," Luke shouted to me over the music. "Things are pretty tense here, guys. Word leaked out about the Zeus—Poseidon standoff. We're still not sure how—probably the same scumbag who summoned the hellhound. Now the campers are starting to take sides. It's shaping up like the Trojan War all over again. Aphrodite, Ares, and Apollo are backing Poseidon, more or less. Athena is backing Zeus." In the next stall, I heard Annabeth and some guy arguing with each other, then the music's volume decreased drastically. "So what's your status?" Luke asked us. "Chiron will be sorry he missed you." We told him pretty much everything, including Percy's dreams. It felt so good to see him, to feel like I was back at camp even for a few minutes, that I didn't realize how long I had talked until the beeper went off on the spray machine, and I realized I only had one more minute before the water shut off. "I wish I could be there," Luke told me. "We can't help much from here, I'm afraid, but listen... it had to be Hades who took the master bolt. He was there at Olympus at the winter solstice. I was chaperoning a field trip and we saw him." "But Chiron said the gods can't take each other's magic items directly." "That's true," Luke said, looking troubled. "Still... Hades has the helm of darkness. How could anybody else sneak into the throne room and steal the master bolt? You'd have to be invisible." We were both silent, until Luke seemed to realize what he'd said. "Oh, hey," he protested. "I didn't mean Annabeth. She and I have known each other forever. She would never... I mean, she's like a little sister to me." I wondered if Annabeth would like that description. In the stall next to us, the music stopped completely. A man screamed in terror, car doors slammed, and the Lincoln peeled out of the car wash. "You'd better go see what that was," Luke said. "Listen, has the knife come in handy?" "Very..." I smiled. "The knife is really perfect." "And Percy, are you wearing the flying shoes? I'll feel better if I know they've done you some good." "Oh... uh, yeah!" Percy tried not to sound like a guilty liar. "Yeah, they've come in handy." "Really?" He grinned. "They fit and everything?" The water shut off. The mist started to evaporate. "Well, take care of yourself out there in Denver," Luke called, his voice getting fainter. "And tell Grover it'll be better this time! Nobody will get turned into a pine tree if he just—" But the mist was gone, and Luke's image faded to nothing. We were alone in a wet, empty car wash stall. Annabeth and Grover came around the corner, laughing, but stopped when they saw our face. Annabeth's smile faded. "What happened, Percy? What did Luke say?" "Not much," Percy lied. "Come on, let's find some dinner." A few minutes later, we were sitting at a booth in a gleaming chrome diner. All around us, families were eating burgers and drinking malts and sodas. Finally the waitress came over. She raised her eyebrow skeptically. "Well?" I said, "We, um, want to order dinner." "You kids have money to pay for it?" Grover's lower lip quivered. I was afraid he would start bleating, or worse, start eating the linoleum. Annabeth looked ready to pass out from hunger. I was trying to think up a sob story for the waitress when a rumble shook the whole building; a motorcycle the size of a baby elephant had pulled up to the curb. All conversation in the diner stopped. The motorcycle's headlight glared red. Its gas tank had flames painted on it, and a shotgun holster riveted to either side, complete with shotguns. The seat was leather—but leather that looked like... well, Caucasian human skin. The guy on the bike would've made pro wrestlers run for Mama. He was dressed in a red muscle shirt and black jeans and a black leather duster, with a hunting knife strapped to his thigh. He wore red wraparound shades, and he had the cruelest, most brutal face I'd ever seen— handsome, I guess, but wicked—with an oily black crew cut and cheeks that were scarred from many, many fights. The weird thing was, I felt like I'd seen his face somewhere before. As he walked into the diner, a hot, dry wind blew through the place. All the people rose, as if they were hypnotized, but the biker waved his hand dismissively and they all sat down again. Everybody went back to their conversations. The waitress blinked, as if somebody had just pressed the rewind button on her brain. She asked us again, "You kids have money to pay for it?" The biker said, "It's on me." He slid into our booth, which was way too small for him, and crowded Annabeth against the window. He looked up at the waitress, who was gaping at him, and said, "Are you still here?" He pointed at her, and she stiffened. She turned as if she'd been spun around, then marched back toward the kitchen. The biker looked at me. I couldn't see his eyes behind the red shades. Who did this guy think he was? He gave me a wicked grin. "So you're the unclaimed kid, huh? No wonder they're arguing over who your parent is." I squinted at him, "The hell does my parents have to do with this?" "Well, which ever stuck up your parent is, the big guys upstairs are angry for interfering with your life." He said and placed his dirty boots on the table. "Your parent raised you with your mortal idiots, that's why no one can smell you." I could tell Annabeth wanted to say something but she probably was processing what this guy said. "Don't call my parents idiot. And I only have two parents, it's M/N and D/N L/N." I glared. I was confused as to why an Olympian would raise me and it'd hide my scent. Shouldn't it make worse? "Sure thing." He then turned to Percy who was beside me. "And old seaweed's kid." "What's it to you?" Percy spat. Annabeth's eyes flashed him a warning. "Percy, this is—" The biker raised his hand. "S'okay," he said. "I don't mind a little attitude. Long as you remember who's the boss. You know who I am, little cousin?" Then it struck me why this guy looked familiar. He had the same vicious sneer as some of the kids at Camp Half-Blood, the ones from cabin five. "You're Clarisse's dad," Percy said. "Ares, god of war." Ares grinned and took off his shades. Where his eyes should've been, there was only fire, empty sockets glowing with miniature nuclear explosions. "That's right, punk. I heard you broke Clarisse's spear." "She was asking for it." "Probably. That's cool. I don't fight my kids' fights, you know? What I'm here for—I heard you were in town. I got a little proposition for you." The waitress came back with heaping trays of food—cheeseburgers, fries, onion rings, and chocolate shakes. Ares handed her a few gold drachmas. She looked nervously at the coins. "But, these aren't..." Ares pulled out his huge knife and started cleaning his fingernails. "Problem, sweetheart?" The waitress swallowed, then left with the gold. "You can't do that," I told Ares. "You can't just threaten people with a knife." Ares laughed. "Are you kidding? I love this country. Best place since Sparta. Don't you carry a weapon, punk? You should. Dangerous world out there. Which brings me to my proposition." He turned to Percy, "I need you to do me a favor." "What favor could I do for a god?" "Something a god doesn't have time to do himself. It's nothing much. I left my shield at an abandoned water park here in town. I was going on a little... date with my girlfriend. We were interrupted. I left my shield behind. I want you to fetch it for me." "Why don't you go back and get it yourself?" The fire in his eye sockets glowed a little hotter. "Why don't I turn you into a prairie dog and run you over with my Harley? Because I don't feel like it. A god is giving you an opportunity to prove yourself, Percy Jackson. Will you prove yourself a coward?" He leaned forward. "Or maybe you only fight when there's a river to dive into, so your daddy can protect you." I wanted to punch this guy, but I knew he was waiting for that. He'd love it if I attacked. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. But by the gods I want to smack him. Maybe some other time. "We're not interested," I said. "We've already got a quest." Ares's fiery eyes made me see things I didn't want to see—blood and smoke and corpses on the battlefield. "I know all about your quest, punk. When that item was first stolen, Zeus sent his best out looking for it: Apollo, Athena, Artemis, and me, naturally. If I couldn't sniff out a weapon that powerful..." He licked his lips, as if the very thought of the master bolt made him hungry. "Well... if I couldn't find it, you got no hope. Nevertheless, I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. Your dad and I go way back. After all, I'm the one who told him my suspicions about old Corpse Breath." "You told him Hades stole the bolt?" "Sure. Framing somebody to start a war. Oldest trick in the book. I recognized it immediately. In a way, you got me to thank for your little quest." "Thanks," Percy grumbled. "Hey, I'm a generous guy. Just do my little job, and I'll help you on your way. I'll arrange a ride west for you and your friends." "We're doing fine on our own." "Yeah, right. No money. No wheels. No clue what you're up against. Help me out, and maybe I'll tell you something you need to know. Something about your mom and Y/N's parents." "Our parents?" He grinned. "That got your attention. The water park is a mile west on Delancy. You can't miss it. Look for the Tunnel of Love ride." "What interrupted your date?" I asked. "Something scare you off?" Ares bared his teeth, but I'd seen his threatening look before on Clarisse. There was something false about it, almost like he was nervous. "You're lucky you met me, punk, and not one of the other Olympians. They're not as forgiving of rudeness as I am. I'll meet you back here when you're done. Don't disappoint me." After that I must have fainted, or fallen into a trance, because when I opened my eyes again, Ares was gone. I might've thought the conversation had been a dream, but Annabeth and Grover's expressions told me otherwise. "Not good," Grover said. "Ares sought you out, Percy. This is not good." I stared out the window. The motorcycle had disappeared. Did Ares really know something about our parents, or was he just playing with me? Now that he was gone, all the anger had drained out of me. I realized Ares must love to mess with people's emotions. That was his power—cranking up the passions so badly, they clouded your ability to think. He does not lie. He knows about your parents. "It's probably some kind of trick, Y/N," Percy said. "Forget Ares. Let's just go." "We can't," Annabeth said. "Look, I hate Ares as much as anybody, but you don't ignore the gods unless you want serious bad fortune. He wasn't kidding about turning you into a rodent." "Why does he need us?" "Maybe it's a problem that requires brains," Annabeth said. "Ares has strength. That's all he has. Even strength has to bow to wisdom sometimes." "But this water park... he acted almost scared. What would make a war god run away like that?" Annabeth and Grover glanced nervously at each other. Annabeth said, "I'm afraid we'll have to find out." The sun was sinking behind the mountains by the time we found the water park. Judging from the sign, it once had been called WATERLAND, but now some of the letters were smashed out, so it read WAT R A D. The main gate was padlocked and topped with barbed wire. Inside, huge dry waterslides and tubes and pipes curled everywhere, leading to empty pools. Old tickets and advertisements fluttered around the asphalt. With night coming on, the place looked sad and creepy. "If Ares brings his girlfriend here for a date," I said, staring up at the barbed wire, "I'd hate to see what she looks like." "Y/N," Annabeth warned. "Be more respectful." "Why? I thought you hated Ares." "He's still a god. And his girlfriend is very temperamental." "You don't want to insult her looks," Grover added. "Who is she? Echidna?" "No, Aphrodite," Grover said, a little dreamily. "Goddess of love." "I thought she was married to somebody," Percy said. "Hephaestus." "What's your point?" he asked. I suddenly felt the need to change the subject. "So how do we get in?" "Maia!" Grover's shoes sprouted wings. He flew over the fence, did an unintended somersault in midair, then stumbled to a landing on the opposite side. He dusted off his jeans, as if he'd planned the whole thing. "You guys coming?" Annabeth, Percy and I had to climb the old-fashioned way, holding down the barbed wire for each other as we crawled over the top. The shadows grew long as we walked through the park, checking out the attractions. There was Ankle Biter Island, Head Over Wedgie, and Dude, Where's My Swimsuit? No monsters came to get us. Nothing made the slightest noise. We found a souvenir shop that had been left open. Merchandise still lined the shelves: snow globes, pencils, postcards, and racks of— "Clothes," Annabeth said. "Fresh clothes." "Oh my gods yes." "Yeah," Percy said. "But you can't just—" "Watch us." She snatched an entire row of stuff of the racks and offered me a hand which I graciously took, together we disappeared into the changing room. "I need a shower." I groaned, while I changed. "We all do." She pointed out. A few minutes later we came out in Waterland flower-print shorts, a big red Waterland T-shirt, and commemorative Waterland surf shoes. A Waterland backpack was slung over our shoulders, obviously stuffed with more goodies. "What the heck." Grover shrugged. Soon, all three of us were decked out like walking advertisements for the defunct theme park. We continued searching for the Tunnel of Love. I got the feeling that the whole park was holding its breath. "So Ares and Aphrodite," Percy said, to keep my mind off the growing dark, "they have a thing going?" "That's old gossip, Percy," Annabeth told us. "Three-thousand-year-old gossip." "What about Aphrodite's husband?" "Well, you know," she said. "Hephaestus. The blacksmith. He was crippled when he was a baby, thrown off Mount Olympus by Zeus. So he isn't exactly handsome. Clever with his hands, and all, but Aphrodite isn't into brains and talent, you know?" "She likes bikers." "Whatever." "Hephaestus knows?" "Oh sure," Annabeth said. "He caught them together once. I mean, literally caught them, in a golden net, and invited all the gods to come and laugh at them. Hephaestus is always trying to embarrass them. That's why they meet in out-of-the-way places, like..." She stopped, looking straight ahead. "Like that." In front of us was an empty pool that would've been awesome for skateboarding. It was at least fifty yards across and shaped like a bowl. Around the rim, a dozen bronze statues of Cupid stood guard with wings spread and bows ready to fire. On the opposite side from us, a tunnel opened up, probably where the water flowed into when the pool was full. The sign above it read, THRILL RIDE O' LOVE: THIS IS NOT YOUR PARENTS' TUNNEL OF LOVE! Grover crept toward the edge. "Guys, look." Marooned at the bottom of the pool was a pink-and-white two-seater boat with a canopy over the top and little hearts painted all over it. In the left seat, glinting in the fading light, was Ares's shield, a polished circle of bronze. "This is too easy," I said. "So we just walk down there and get it?" Annabeth ran her fingers along the base of the nearest Cupid statue. "There's a Greek letter carved here," she said. "Eta. I wonder..." "Grover," Percy said, "you smell any monsters?" He sniffed the wind. "Nothing." "Nothing—like, in-the-Arch-and-you-didn't-smell-Echidna nothing, or really nothing?" Grover looked hurt. "I told you, that was underground." "Hey Percy, that wasn't nice." I glared. "Okay, I'm sorry." Percy took a deep breath. "I'm going down there." Pulling out my knife, "There isn't any monsters." "I'll go with Percy." Grover didn't sound too enthusiastic, but I got the feeling he was trying to make up for what had happened in St. Louis. "No," Percy told him. "I want you to stay up top with the flying shoes. You're the Red Baron, a flying ace, remember? I'll be counting on you for backup, in case something goes wrong." Grover puffed up his chest a little. "Sure. But what could go wrong?" "I don't know. Just a feeling. Y/N, will go with me—" "Yeah, I can go with." "Didn't take you as a romantic Seaweed Brain." Annabeth smirked. "What?" Percy's face was burning now, too. It made me laugh at how adorable he was. He turned to me and blushed even more. "Fine," he told us. "I'll do it myself." "Percy, I didn't say i don't want to come with!" I giggled. He started down the side of the pool, I followed, I hear him muttering about how this wasn't how its supposed go. Then I realized how we would've been surrounded by water. "Arthur Curry, if I drown I will beg Hades to have you." He paused and turned to take my hand and we continued walking. We reached the boat. The shield was propped on one seat, and next to it was a lady's silk scarf. I tried to imagine Ares and Aphrodite here, a couple of gods meeting in a junked-out amusement-park ride. Why? Then I noticed something I hadn't seen from up top: mirrors all the way around the rim of the pool, facing this spot. We could see ourselves no matter which direction we looked. That must be it. While Ares and Aphrodite were smooching with each other they could look at their favorite people: themselves. Percy picked up the scarf. It shimmered pink, and the perfume was indescribable—rose, or mountain laurel. He smiled, a little dreamy, and was about to rub the scarf against his cheek I frowned ripped it out of his hand and stuffed it in me pocket. "No." "What?" "Just get the shield, Arthur Curry, and let's get out of here." The moment he touched the shield, I knew we were in trouble. My hand broke through something that had been connecting it to the dashboard. A cobweb, I thought, but then I looked at a strand of it on my palm and saw it was some kind of metal filament, so fine it was almost invisible. A trip wire. "Wait," I said. "Too late." "There's another Greek letter on the side of the boat, another Eta. This is a trap." Noise erupted all around us, of a million gears grinding, as if the whole pool were turning into one giant machine. Grover yelled, "Guys!" Up on the rim, the Cupid statues were drawing their bows into firing position. Before I could suggest taking cover, they shot, but not at us. They fired at each other, across the rim of the pool. Silky cables trailed from the arrows, arcing over the pool and anchoring where they landed to form a huge golden asterisk. Then smaller metallic threads started weaving together magically between the main strands, making a net. "We have to get out," Percy said. "Woah I didn't know!" I said. Percy grabbed the shield and holding my hand we ran, but going up the slope of the pool was not as easy as going down. "I'm going to drown again aren't I? "Come on!" Grover shouted. He was trying to hold open a section of the net for us, but wherever he touched it, the golden threads started to wrap around his hands. The Cupids' heads popped open. Out came video cameras. Spotlights rose up all around the pool, blinding us with illumination, and a loudspeaker voice boomed: "Live to Olympus in one minute ... Fifty-nine seconds, fifty-eight ..." "Hephaestus!" Annabeth screamed. "I'm so stupid.' Eta is H.' He made this trap to catch his wife with Ares. Now we're going to be broadcast live to Olympus and look like absolute fools!" We'd almost made it to the rim when the row of mirrors opened like hatches and thousands of tiny metallic... things poured out. It was an army of wind-up creepy-crawlies: bronze-gear bodies, spindly legs, little pincer mouths, all scuttling toward us in a wave of clacking, whirring metal. "Spiders!" I said. I kicked these pests. Percy pulled me up and dragged my back toward the boat. "I am not staying here! I am so going to drown again!" The things were coming out from all around the rim now, millions of them, flooding toward the center of the pool, completely surrounding us. I told myself they probably weren't programmed to kill, just corral us and bite us and make us look stupid. Then again, this was a trap meant for gods. And we weren't gods. Percy and I climbed into the boat. Percy started kicking away the spiders as they swarmed aboard. I was swatting away some that I could. "Thirty, twenty-nine," called the loudspeaker. The spiders started spitting out strands of metal thread, trying to tie us down. The strands were easy enough to break at first, but there were so many of them, and the spiders just kept coming. I kicked one away from Percy's leg and its pincers took a chunk out of my new surf shoe. Annabeth was frozen from where she stood trying to keep away from us as much as possible. Grover hovered above the pool in his flying sneakers, trying to pull the net loose, but it wouldn't budge. Think, I told myself. Think. The Tunnel of Love entrance was under the net. We could use it as an exit, except that it was blocked by a million robot spiders. "Fifteen, fourteen," the loudspeaker called. Then I saw them: huge water pipes behind the mirrors, where the spiders had come from. And up above the net, next to one of the Cupids, a glass-windowed booth that must be the controller's station. "Annabeth!" Percy yelled. "Get into that booth! Find the 'on' switch!" Snapping out of her trance she turned. "But—" "Do it!" Annabeth was in the controller's booth now, staring at the buttons. "Five, four—" Annabeth sighed and started pushing every button, then looked up at us hopelessly, raising her hands. She was letting us know that she'd pushed every button, but still nothing was happening. "Y/N, I won't let you drown, just hold on!" I didn't think twice on nodding. Percy closed his eyes. "Two, one, zero!" Water exploded out of the pipes. It roared into the pool, sweeping away the spiders. He pulled me into the seat next to us and fastened me seat belt just as the tidal wave slammed into our boat, over the top, whisking the spiders away and dousing us completely, but not capsizing us. The boat turned, lifted in the flood, and spun in circles around the whirlpool. He held my hand tight afraid I'll drown the moment he lets go. The water was full of short-circuiting spiders, some of them smashing against the pool's concrete wall with such force they burst. Spotlights glared down at us. The Cupid-cams were rolling, live to Olympus. Percy and I held tight, both of us screaming as the boat shot curls and hugged corners and took forty-five-degree plunges past pictures of Romeo and Juliet and a bunch of other Valentine's Day stuff. Then we were out of the tunnel, the night air whistling through our hair as the boat barreled straight toward the exit. If the ride had been in working order, we would've sailed off a ramp between the golden Gates of Love and splashed down safely in the exit pool. But there was a problem. The Gates of Love were chained. Two boats that had been washed out of the tunnel before us were now piled against the barricade—one submerged, the other cracked in half. Jump. We have to jump. "Unfasten your seat belt," I yelled to Percy. Who already had his belt unfastened. "Jumping?" "We're going to have to jump for it." My idea was simple and insane. As the boat struck, we would use its force like a springboard to jump the gate. I'd heard of people surviving car crashes that way, getting thrown thirty or forty feet away from an accident. With luck, we would land in the pool. Hopefully not drown. Percy nodded. He gripped my hand as the gates got closer. "On my mark," I said. On mine. Jump when 'I' say so Perseus Jackson. He looked at me reluctantly. "How?" "What?" You'll know when I say so. "Fine." He shouted. "Jump when I jump!" "How would I know?!" "You'll say it!" "What?!" "Just tell me when to jump!!" "Now!" I yelled. I was about to jump when Percy pulled me closer. "Not yet! You didn't say it yet." Jump Hero. Percy jumped. I followed him. Crack! He was right. If we'd jumped when I thought we should've, we would've crashed into the gates. He got us maximum lift. Our boat smashed into the pileup and we were thrown into the air, straight over the gates, the pool was getting closer. I was going to drown again. Something grabbed me from behind. I yelled, "Ouch!" Grover! In midair, he had grabbed Percy by the shirt, and me by the arm, and was trying to pull us out of a crash landing, but we had all the momentum. "You're too heavy!" Grover said. "We're going down!" We spiraled toward the ground, Grover doing his best to slow the fall. We smashed into a photo-board, Grover's head going straight into the hole where tourists would put their faces, pretending to be Noo-Noo the Friendly Whale. Percy and I tumbled to the ground, banged up but alive. Ares's shield was still on Percy's arm. "Are you okay?" Percy panted. "Yeah... I didn't drown." Once we caught our breath, Percy and I went over to help Annabeth who was getting Grover out of the photo-board and thanked him for saving our lives. I looked back at the Thrill Ride of Love. The water was subsiding. Our boat had been smashed to pieces against the gates. A hundred yards away, at the entrance pool, the Cupids were still filming. The statues had swiveled so that their cameras were trained straight on us, the spotlights in our faces. I walked closer, "You guys suck." I blew blasphemy at the camera. Percy pulled me away. "Show's over!" Percy yelled. "Thank you! Good night!" The Cupids turned back to their original positions. The lights shut off. The park went quiet and dark again, except for the gentle trickle of water into the Thrill Ride of Love's exit pool. I wondered if Olympus had gone to a commercial break, or if our ratings had been any good. I hated being teased. I hated being tricked. And I had plenty of experience handling bullies who liked to do that stuff to me. Percy hefted the shield on his arm and turned to us friends. "We need to have a little talk with Ares."

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Taglist?

@gayer-than-the-gayest-gay @the-natureofme @booknerd-3000 @katara720 @ynfics

[horrorslashergirl]

Midnight Screams

A Richard Firewood Fic.

Richard Firewood created by me

Authors Note: The first story with Richard Firewood my slasher OC. I tried to pin-point his personality, how manipulative, greedy, selfish, narcissistic he is. He is a killer after all, not a dream guy, but he does can play it.... For his own purpouse of course.

Warning: Gore, Blood, Death and some Sexual Scene

The intimidating building that could be easily mistaken for a castel, made Fionna wonder if the scenario before her was even real.

If you asked her, the perfect holiday would have been maybe somewhere where she could go to malls, museums, but of course when you were stuck with grandparents you couldn’t possible say no.

Her grandparents sighed with happiness, walking on the white marble steps of the principal entry of the luxurious hotel and all Fionna could do was sigh and follow after them, their lugages already taken by the bellhop men.

As she entered the hotel, her eyes widened by the decor and the great staircase, covered by an impecable blood red carpet. The chandelier that was anything but modest, was probably made out of gold and with crystals.

Everything screamed luxury that would make the greediest human drool. Everything was either marble, gold or something that probably costed millions of dollars.

What really made her uneasy was the lack of people. Looking around she noticed just a few people that were probably guests: a very out together women, probably in her late 30s, a couple that enjoyed some coffee and a little boy that played with his toys on the floor.

Fionna walked to the reception desk where her grandparents were and her eyes imediately were caught by a pair of emerald eyes.

"Good day, Sir and Ma'm. Welcome to the Grand Firewood Hotel! Its so good to see more people come." the man behind the mahogony desk spoke in a rich voice, deep and clear.

Inspecting him, one thing Fionna noticed was that he was tall, a man maybe in his late 30s. He had jet black hair, dark as the night into a long high ponytail, his forehead covered by bangs. His attire was pristine, white button up with a victorian purple vest and a satin scarp tucked inside the vest. She also noticed that he was wearing white as snow gloves.

"The ride was actually horrible, but we are more than happy to be here. We heard of this hotel and we wanted to spend two weeks here. Get away from The big City." Fionnas grandfather spoke, giving the man a smile.

"Why are only a few people here if the hotel is as grand as it claims to be?" Fionna asked, without realizing, only to recieve a raised eyebrow from the man.

"Well, considering you weren't asleep, my dear... During your ride here... The hotel is far up into The Mountains and most wouldn’t do all the traveling here, but I asure you, we delivere five star services." the man spoke with such calmness, it made Fionna gulp down.

"I-I am sorry... I" Fionna wanted to excuse herself, but the man waved it off.

"So? Just a suite or would you want two?" The man asked, looking from The grandparents to Fionna.

"Two would do. Thank you Mr-" Fionnas grandfather said, the man smiling.

"Richard Firewood, but you can call me Richard. No need for all the Mr. It makes me feel old." Richard said, taking two set of keys and walking towards the Grand staircase, motioning for them to follow them.

"Its absolutly beautiful! Its like a castel from a fairtale." your grandmother said, looking over all the paintings and statues. Fionna was pulled from her thoughts by Richard chuckling, the sound like music to her ears.

She had to admit he was handsome and oh so charming.

'Pull yourself together, Fionna! He is so much older than you. You are just a 19 year old girl.' Fionna told herself.

They finally reached their rooms, which were next to eachother. Richard unlocked the rooms and when Fionna entered she always dropped her mouth open. It was amazing, it looked like the room of a princess; kind sized bed with silk sheets, white fluffy carpet, the gigantic window with the purple curtains.

"I hope you will enjoy your stay, darling." Richards voice broke her daydreaming, making her blush and nod. Her grandparents where already in their suite.

Richard walked towards her and Fionna instinctively took a step back, only to stop when Richards hand reached towards her to hand the keys.

"T-Thank you." she said in a shaky voice, then just like that he walked away.

The rest of the days at the hotel went normally, breakfast was mouthwatering like Lunch and dinner. The hotel had everything; a cinema, a spa, a ballroom... Anything you could ever want for a great vacantion.

Today was just different, when Fionna waited to meet with her grandparents at breakfast, but they didn't came and it didn't eased her nerves that she was the only person in the restaurant.

A hand on her shoulder made her jump a little, she turned her head and noticed it was Richard.

"Apologize for startling you." he excused himself.

"Ummm... Have you seen my grandparents? We usually meet for breakfast." Fionna asked.

"Ahhh yes, they had breakfast earlier and decided to take a walk into the garden of the hotel." Richard answered her, making her nod, but still she was uneasy.

"Want some company?" Richard asked, taking a seat with her. She thought about it over and shrugged. Why not? She felt pretty lonely.

They eat breakfast and talked, until they laughed. She had to admit Richard was absolutly breathtaking; not only was he so handsome, but deeply smart. Who would have thought that the manager of the luxurious hotel was a former medical student.

"I do play the piano sometimes when none is at the hotel. It gets pretty lonely here." Richard said finishing his Coffee.

"Really? I always wanted to learn how to! But you know.... Never for the chance to own one." Fionna said, looking down at her empty plate.

"Want me to teach you?" That question made Fionna look up with deep interest and she followed the man to the ballroom where the Grand piano laid.

It was so beautiful and she was dying to touch the musical instrument. They both sat down in front of it.

"How about I play you one of my favorites?" he asked and she nodded, then he began and she found herself dreamingly looking at the black haired male. The music was like a purr of a cat, so calm and relaxing.

After 10 minutes she found herself leaning into him, until their faces were inches away from one another. That was the signal as she pressed her lips to his plush ones, emerald eyes looking wide open, but closed as Richard kissed her back.

The kiss was slow with a tint of sensual moves from the much more experimented man. Then like someone threw a bucket of ice on Richard he pulled away.

"I am sorry... I shouldn't-" but he was cut off by the younger female smashing her lips back against his.

The hell with it...

The next actions were like a blurr, he picked her up and laid her on the Grand piano, lips against one another, hands gropping, moans leaving her lips.

Fionna would be damned if she refused him. The taste of tabaco and wine on her lips from his kisses.

She felt his hands under her skirt and her panties been pulled aside. The next hour was filled by skin slapping against skin, kisses and bites, hair tugging and dirty talk that she wouldn't have expected from 'the gentleman' on top of her.

"You like this?"

"So tight and wet... Are you close?"

"I am gonna ravish you."

That was hours ago, as she laid now in her hotel room on the bed, thinking about this mornings events. She was pulled from her daydreaming when she heard a thug coming from The hallway. Getting her robe on she slowly walked and opened the door, and what she saw made her as pale as a ghost.

It was the middle aged woman that she saw when she first came to the hotel, blood all over her, her make up destroyed.

"H-Help... P-Please.... He.. He took my kidney! Oh God..." she sobbed, crawling down the hallway that had foot steps follow.

Fionnas eyes widened when she saw Who was at the end of the hallway. Richard, his scarlf long gone and clothes painted in red, and what looked like a big switch blade in his hand.

Fionna quickly shut her room, locking it and getting away from it. Outside, Richard stalked towards the woman, crouching down over her body.

"It would be a waste to kill you now. I only got your kidney..... But... The hell with it." he said, then trusted the blade into her shoulder, not a fatal wound yet.

"Hurts, huh? You should have thought of that when you run away, you little whore." Richard snarled, the womans eyes blood shot, as snot came out of her nose. The man scrunched up his face at the image.

"Disgusting." he said then stabbed her right between her legs, making her gasp, as he twisted the blade inside her.

"Too big?" Richard said with mockness, then pulled out, blood pouring out of her wounds. He got up and looked towards the door of Fionnas room, knocking.

"Come out, darling. Don't make me break the door." Richard said with such calmness that made Fionna start to sob, yelling about leaving her alone. The black haired man sighed.

"So be it." he said, then using all his strength he began to kick the door, one time, two time, then finally he kicked the door off its hinges.

A scream thore the room that was basked into The darkness and then silence, as Fionna was back handed by the male, the sting on her cheek making her fall down on her knees.

She couldn't believe that this was happening, the man who was the perfect empitom of a gentleman. He used his suave voice and charming ways to manipulate her.

"You tricked me! You used me..." Fionna sobbed, looking up at Richard. The man raised an eyebrow and began to play with the butterfly knife in his hand, like an expert, only making the woman more anxious.

"I used you? I am sorry to disagree you, doll.... But.... You practicaly begged me to take you." Richard said with a dark malicious smirk.

Fionna looked at him in shock, ready to get up and run, only to have her head tugged back by her hair.

"Easy, easy, little rabbit...." Richard whispered in her ear, his blade running across her neck.

"Got to say.... Your grandparents are quite healthy.... Not good enough for a kidney or liver transplant, but cannibals do pay handsomely." The man whispered making Fionna freeze in shock, more tears running down her face.

"Y-You monster...." she said through grinted teeth, only to recieve a deep chuckle.

"You know.... I was gonna keep you for a little while, but money and blood is more tempting than pussy." he said then pierced her right between her collarbone, dragging the blade down to her core, guts and insides spilling out, her eyes now lifeless pools.

The corpse dropped down on the once white carpet now crimson red. Richard sighed and sat down on the bed, pulling out a cigarette and lightened it up, taking a deep drag of smoke.

Just another day at the Grand Firewood Hotel...

If only his grandfather could see him... He would be so proud.

[theshopislocal]

corinth rains

New and improved Heaven may well be the Happiest Place (not) on Earth. But Dean, it turns out, is still Dean.

(also on AO3)

chapter three

Charlie’s place is frickin’ awesome.

That said, Dean doesn’t understand most of her decor. There’s a surprisingly beautiful oil painting of what looks like the bushy-haired girl from Harry Potter standing over the corpse of a monster with a face made of teeth; Charlie called it the Demogorgon, which clarified precisely nothing. On another wall, there’s a giant framed poster of the little shruggie emoticon dude, which, on closer inspection, is itself made of other shruggie emoticon dudes. In the center of the foyer stands a life-size marble statue of Poison Ivy, flanked on either side by two huge suits of armor, armed with iron flails.

Then, of course, the crowning jewels: a wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling flatscreen TV and a tiny blue console that ostensibly contains every video game ever made. Charlie calls it the Deus ExBox.

“I swear to Jack,” Charlie mutters, fingers smashing against the controller buttons, “if you say ‘get over here’ one more time—”

Dean shrugs as much as he’s able while spamming the square button. “It’s the best move!”

“Yeah,” Charlie snorts, “and you cheese it.” She presses several buttons at once, and her character - a skinny brunette in a hilarious and mildly sexy bathing suit - kicks Dean’s guy about thirty damn times.

Dean makes a frenetic motion with the controller and goes full button mash. “You cheese Mileena! With your stupid tele-drop—”

“Hey,” Charlie starts, turning briefly to glare at Dean, “Mileena’s my main, ok—”

Dean uses the moment of distraction to pull the joystick hard to the left, tapping square one last time. His character - a rippling muscled dude in a skintight suit with a yellow loincloth - casts his spear at Mileena, yelling a guttural ‘Get over here!’

Mileena’s health bar drops to zero, and she sways back and forth. Dean gives Charlie a smirking side-eye.

She shakes her head and points a blunt-nailed finger at him. “Dean, don’t you dare. Dean.”

Dean gives her a winning smile and moves the joystick side to side, thumb hovering over the X button.

“Dean, don’t you dare toasty me—”

He taps the X, and Scorpion spits a pillar of flame at Mileena.

Fatality, the screen reads. Scorpion wins.

Charlie stares blankly for a moment, slack-jawed and dull-eyed, before cutting a glare at Dean. “I literally hate you.”

Dean’s mouth pulls into a wide grin, and he raises his hands in a shrug. “C’mon, who could hate this face.”

“What face?” Charlie grumbles. “All I see is a butt.”

Dean gives a bark of laughter, and his cheeks ache. He’s learned that Charlie is an appallingly poor sport, and her swearing tirades in the wake of a loss amuse him to no end.

She gives him a mild glare, betrayed by the play of a smile around her mouth, and reaches for her giant pint glass - ‘it’s a stein, you philistine’ - only to frown down at the flat dregs. She shifts as if to stand, then her face lights up, and she smiles over at Dean. “Hey, check this out,” she says, and the childlike excitement in her voice has Dean leaning forward. She raises the stein overhead and bellows, “Beer me!”

Her glass refills itself, bottom to top, an inch of fluffy white head settling over translucent gold. Dean’s brows rise, and his lips tick up. “See now, that I could get used to.”

Charlie gives him a self-congratulatory smile and passes the glass to Dean. He tips his head in thanks and takes a gulp, face scrunching up at the taste.

“Ugh, god,” he sputters, setting the glass down heavily on the low coffee table. “What is that?”

Charlie’s lips turn down in a dramatic pout. “Stella Artois.”

Ugh. What are they, at a bachelorette party in the Hamptons? “Aren’t you supposed to be a lesbian?”

Charlie gives him an unimpressed glare and hoists herself off the couch. “I’m a chapstick power alpha, thank you very much.”

Dean’s sure he knows what all those words mean individually, but- “Yeah, I got no idea what you’re talkin’ about.”

Charlie rolls her eyes and skips towards the kitchen, tapping the Yoda bobble head on the bookshelf as she passes it. There are several other action figures on the shelf, and a bunch of other tchotchkes, most of which he can barely make out in the dim fluorescent light. He glances over at the windows framing the dining table; he figures Charlie’s gotta have a great view, being situated so near the lake. But the curtains - done in a deep, velvety purple that looks like some sort of magic fur - are drawn, the afternoon light pooling just around the bottom.

Dean feels his brow wrinkle. “Hey,” he calls, “why are your curtains closed?”

“What?” comes Charlie’s muffled voice.

Dean rolls his eyes and waits until she comes around the corner with two dark bottles of IPA. “Why are your curtains closed?”

She raises her eyebrows at him, flopping herself onto the couch. “Cuz the sun’s out? Duh?”

Dean takes a bottle from her hand, twists off the cap. “You don’t like it?”

Charlie gives him a dry look. “Dude. I’m a pasty code-jockey otaku.”

This time, Dean isn’t sure he knows what any of those words mean. He squints at her, shaking his head.

She sighs. “Sunlight could kill me.”

Dean snorts a laugh. “Ah.” He vaguely remembers a case he’d worked solo while Sam was at university: a teenage boy had spawned a Tulpa while writing a (surprisingly good) web comic. Dean had interviewed him in his dorm room - all empty Mountain Dew bottles and half-eaten bowls of ramen. Kid looked like he hadn’t seen the sun in years.

Back then, Dean had told him to pull the comic from his site and go the hell outside. Now, Dean feels mild envy for him and Charlie both.

“I miss rain,” Dean says, and it feels like a confession.

Charlie turns toward him and tilts her head, expression curious and bemused.

Dean harrumphs and adjusts his seat. “I mean, I like the—” he gestures vaguely toward the window, “—the picnic weather, too, I just...” he trails off, noting Charlie’s scrunched frown, and shrugs. “I dunno. Sam says there’re storms, past the mountain.”

Charlie’s brow smoothes at that, and she perks up, grabbing her stein with both hands. “Probably. All kinds of weird stuff over there.” She takes a long swig and gives a tiny burp that has Dean huffing a laugh. “You seen the mini forest in the field?”

Dean sobers and shakes his head. “He said that’s where the storm was.”

“Oh,” Charlie murmurs. “Huh. Wasn’t last time I saw it.”

Dean raises an eyebrow. “You’ve been over the mountain?” He tries to picture her with a bindle in place of an iPhone and hiking boots in lieu of her Converse, but comes up short.

Charlie smirks at him and takes another gulp, licking the foam from her top lip. “I may have spent my first afternoon here flying around on a broomstick like Harry Potter.”

Dean tips his head back in a nod. He really should’ve guessed that. He brings his bottle to his mouth, taking a cautious sniff to make sure he’s not drinking any more of that wimpy shit, and gives Charlie a sidelong glance. “Did you catch the snitch?”

Charlie beams. “As a matter of fact, yes.”

Dean shakes his head and smiles. “Attagirl.” He takes a long drink, enough to clear the neck, and savors the bitter hoppy flavor on his tongue. It’s a damn sight better than the swill he’s had with Bobby. Or whatever the fuck Stella Artois is.

“It was on fire.”

Dean swallows and cuts a glance at Charlie. “What?”

“The forest,” she says, smoothing a finger over the lip of her glass. “I mean, not the whole thing, just a couple trees near this, like, barn thing? They were all charred.” She tilts her head, considering. “Coulda been lightning, I guess? I dunno.”

Dean feels a pit open up in his stomach, strange and unbidden. He sets his beer down on the table, butting it up against his controller. “You tell the Arch?”

Charlie shrugs. “Kevin said not to worry about it.”

Dean’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline, and he turns fully toward her. “You talked to Kevin?”

When he’d heard through the grapevine that Kevin had finally made it over, Dean had sent Jack a silent, thankful prayer. He’s thought about checking in on the kid, but word has it he’s top dog at the Library - the new and improved Scribe of Heaven. Dean figures that’s about as close to ‘advanced placement’ as the kid is likely to get, this side of the pearly gates.

“I stopped by the Library,” Charlie says, nonchalant. Then she gives Dean a mischievous grin, raising her glass to her mouth. “Wanted to see if they had Lady Death in Lingerie.”

Dean frowns. “Is that... Is that porn?”

Charlie smirks at him. “It’s a comic, but... yes, yes it is.”

Dean blinks hard and gives her an incredulous look. “You got Kevin out of the Library ... for cartoon porn?”

“Hey,” Charlie demurs, “you don’t get to say anything about cartoon porn, I’ve seen your browser history.” Dean rolls his eyes even as his face warms, but doesn’t offer a defense.

“And no,” she continues, eyes going shifty. “He let me in.”

Charlie’s posture is stiff, her eyes round with manufactured innocence. She was a shit liar when she was alive, and she’s an even shittier one dead.

Dean gives her a blatantly doubtful look. “He let you in.”

Charlie puffs her cheeks out and her eyes dart side to side. For a second, she looks like she might try to stick to her guns, but she blows out a sigh instead. “Okay,” she concedes. “Maybe ‘let’ isn’t the right word.”

Dean breathes out a mildly bewildered laugh, pressing his forehead to the bottle in his hands. “You broke into Heaven’s Library?”

Her tiny white hands rise in a shameless shrug. “You can take the girl out of the corporate espionage scheme...”

Dean shakes his head, smiling wry but wide, stomach aching with laughter. “Pretty hardcore,” he says, then faces forward. “For a nerd.” He takes another short sip, noting Charlie’s scowl in his peripheral vision.

“Well,” she huffs and grabs her stein, “you’re pretty ripped.” She lets that hang for a moment, until Dean looks over at her, brows raised. “For a handmaiden,” she smirks and takes a smug pull.

Dean rolls his eyes and nods around a dry smile. Charlie gives a tittering laugh that he can’t help but return, and he polishes off his beer, shoulder butted up against hers.

He stares down into the empty bottle, turning it between his thumb and middle finger. “So Kevin said it’s fine?” he asks. He keeps his tone mild so as not to betray his peculiar unease, but he can’t quite suppress the note of concern. “Tiny burnt forest with lightning and a creepy barn?”

She shrugs and chugs the last inch of her beer in a great swallow. “I guess?” she says, voice thick. “I don’t know.” She belches for a solid three seconds, and Dean turns his lips down, impressed. “Got the feeling it was kinda...” she tips her head side to side, “top secret? Maybe not, like, nuclear football level, but… something.”

Dean snorts and glares into the chasm inside his beer bottle. “What, you think Heaven’s got an Area 51?”

Charlie shrugs again, grabbing her controller to select a new fighter. “Stranger things, I guess.”

Dean nods absently and casts his eyes about the room. The shruggie guy is still shrugging, Yoda’s head still bobbing, Ivy’s white marble eyes staring sightlessly toward the door. Dean’s gaze settles on a painting he hadn’t noticed, tucked into the corner behind a threadbare recliner: an abstract composition of flowing indigo and teal, offset by swathes of pale yellow edged in pink, with a crooked pillar of white rising up the center. Dean’s not much of a one for fine art, but something tells him this is a masterpiece. Ageless and tragic and blue, it tugs at a rough-sawn edge in his chest. He thinks it might be a flower or a river. Or a cloud. Or maybe a bruise.

It looks familiar, like he’s seen it in a textbook or possibly a museum. Then again, in Dean’s very short - and very, very long - life, he figures he’s seen just about everything.

Abstraction Blue by Georgia O'Keeffe

chapter two | chapter four

table of contents

[aardvark-123]

Gensokyo Festival day 7: Dungarees

~The Super Touhou Sisters Super Show~

"Damn it all to heck... I can't believe this happened to Kotohime of all people! That stupid, selfish kappa! I'll make her pay."

Fairies dove out of Marisa's way as she stormed through the forest. It was rare to see her so angry, especially with Reimu by her side, although it was also rare to see Reimu in her dark red dungarees.

"She's really gone too far this time," said Reimu, stepping over a tanuki who had turned into a teapot. "Kidnapping is one thing, but eating a woman's liver...!"

"You're gonna kill her, right?" asked Marisa.

Reimu nodded, her face grim. "It doesn't feel right, paying death with more death, but she's brought it upon herself."

"Yeah... Oh, here's Sanae!"

Sanae was skipping along the forest track towards them, clad in bright green dungarees. "Ayy, Reimu, Marisa! Ciao, ciao! It's-a me, Sanae!" she yelled, full of joy, putting on a ridiculous Italian accent.

"Um," said Marisa.

"Um," said Reimu.

"You guys-a ready to go and-a rescue-a Kotohime?" Sanae blithely rattled on.

"Sanae," said Reimu faintly, "what is this?"

"We're-a rescuing a princess! Gotta to do it-a properly, uh?" explained Sanae, still all smiles. "Hence I gave-a you those-a dungarees, paisano!"

"My... My dunga...?" Reimu stared down at the aforementioned garment she was wearing. "To be frank, Sanae, I just thought you didn't want me getting my clothes dirty."

"No! It's-a 'cause we're-a like-a the Mario Brothers, uh?!" said Sanae insistently, waving her arms around like crazy. "You're-a Mario and I'm-a Luigi! We's-a perfect for the roles!"

"M-Mario?! No, I'm Reimu! Reimu Hakurei, daughter of Akari, Shrine Maiden of Paradise! You know, the same Reimu you've known for ten years?"

"Come on, work-a with-a me here! It'll be fun!"

"Look, if you wanna talk about fun, we're dealing with a dangerous kappa who kills people for it! This isn't going to be the usual kind of Incident, Sanae," said Marisa severely.

"You like-a the funghi, uh? Then you can be-a Toadette! You already got-a the big hat an'a the plaits an'a the grassa stomaca, so you's-a just right!" Sanae completely missed Marisa's point.

"You... You think there's grass... In my tummy?"

"No, no, it means-a you's-a thicc!" Sanae corrected her.

"Oh!" said Marisa. "Glad you noticed! But, look, we really need your head in the game for this Incident. Once we get to Kappa Valley..." She took a deep breath. "It's Nitori or us three. Someone's not gonna be walking out of there alive. Got that?"

"I understand. I'll-a take it as-a seriously as-a you usually do, uh?" smirked Sanae.

"N-no! You have to take it even seriouslier..." Marisa's face reddened. "This is going to be painful, isn't it?"

--------------------------------------

With courage in their hearts and spell-cards in hand, our intrepid heroines fought their way through Kappa Valley. They faced danger at every turn, duelling all manner of deadly robots and fierce kappa warriors who had, with varying degrees of enthusiasm, sworn to lay down their lives in service of their queen.

To her friends' chagrin, Sanae insisted on jumping on the heads of her enemies. Her shoes were enough to knock out some of the kappa but did very little to the robots, let alone the lava moats, massive steel spikes and feral crocodiles.

Eventually they came before the gate to Nitori's mountain fortress. Marisa master sparked the titanium gate down and stood aside for Reimu to send her orbs after the gun turrets. Sanae lamented the lack of things to jump on. They blasted their way through the few remaining guards and stormed the cavernous throne room, but what awaited them was not the Nitori they knew.

"Well, well, well! If it isn't Sanae and her little friends, come to rescue their crazy police princess!" Nitori sneered down from on high. "You're not going to beat me. I've evolved far beyond any youkai you've faced before!"

Reimu stared up at Nitori, her face turning pale. "Nitori...! She's huge! What in Bishamonten's name happened?!"

"Shirikodama, son! I used to think they were just an obstacle on the way to a human's delicious liver, but it turns out they hold the key to the ultimate power!" roared Nitori, leaning her stocky, twenty-metre-tall frame down until Reimu could feel her hot, acrid breath.

"Son?" repeated Reimu, leaning backwards.

"You know what I mean."

"I'm not a son."

"Shut up! Am I killing you or what?!" barked Nitori.

"Or what." Marisa whipped out her hakkero. "You said 'rescue', right? So that means Kotohime's still alive. I won't let her suffer at your hands for a moment longer!"

"Yes, she's alive. I'm going to encase her in stone and use her as a back-scratcher," sneered Nitori. "You can't stop me! Prepare to-"

"MASTER SPARK!"

"Oof!" Nitori winced as the iridescent beam blasted her torso. "Nice try, but you'll have to hit me about a hundred times harder."

Marisa grimaced. "We can manage that, right, Reimu?"

"I don't know..."

"Then just-a leave it-a to me!" said Sanae. "Toadette! You got any mushrooms in-a that apron?"

Marisa gave her a withering look. "What kind of a witch WOULDN'T have spare mushrooms? Here, try this one." She tossed a round red fungus to Sanae, who immediately tucked in.

Bright yellow light flared around Sanae. "This is-a perfect!" she squeaked, growing to an enormous size. "I'd like-a to see you take-a me on now, Nitori!"

"What is this?!" growled Nitori, drawing herself up to her full height. "I'm supposed to be the huge one around here! I'll teach you to step on my toes!"

"Not-a likely, you big, ugly kappa! You'll-a be defeated by, oh, I don't even know whether I should pretend to be Luigi or Ultraman!" Sanae hopped up and down with glee, shaking the earth.

Reimu and Marisa couldn't help but cringe at Sanae's antics.

Nor could Nitori. "Is your friend, um, all right? Only she didn't seem half as crazy when she moved here..."

Reimu drew a breath in through her teeth. "Well..."

"See for yourself," said Marisa.

"All right..." Nitori didn't sound convinced. "Face me if you dare, giant Sanae!"

"For Gensokyo!" Sanae charged at Nitori and punched her in the face. Nitori stumbled back and pushed off against the wall, cracking some of the brickwork. She tackled Sanae right in the stomach.

Sanae welcomed the onrushing Nitori with a firm grasp and rolled across the floor, sending Marisa and Reimu scurrying for cover. Sanae threw Nitori into the solid gold statue she'd had built of herself, complete with bulky cap. Nitori scrambled to her feet, only to take a devastating kick to the face.

"Aaaaugh!" Nitori collapsed on the floor, bleeding from her nose.

"That's-a nothing more-a than a taste of-a my full power!" laughed Sanae, nowhere close to emulating Luigi's personality. "Are you-a ready to let-a Kotohime go or do I have-a to clobber you some more, uh?"

"Damn it..." growled Nitori. "With those dungarees, you have unrestricted movement and almost no floppy folds of fabric I can grab! Very clever, Sanae. You have me beaten. Kotohime's tied up in the wine cellar. As for me, I think I'll take my leave now!"

"Don't you dare!" Sanae lunged for Nitori, but the oversized kappa was gone, bursting through the ceiling in a shower of roofing tiles and broken timber.

"All right, you two take-a care of-a Kotohime! I'll go after-a her!" shouted Sanae, leaping through the ceiling. After a few seconds she crashed back down, taking most of the surviving roof with her.

"Oh, my gods, Sanae! What happened?!" gasped Marisa, rushing to her side.

"I forgot..." groaned Sanae. She flashed a forlorn yellow as she shrank back down to size. "Luigi can't fly. I'm probably better off as Sanae. Ow..."

[eldritchsurveys]

804.

1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? >> The last time I was in a pool was probably over 5 years ago, at Easton Mountain. I’m not fond of the way pool water smells. 2. Do you like to party? >> I like gatherings, and get-togethers, and barbecues, and casual social events at someone’s house with food and booze and games. I don’t really care for anything more hectic than that. 3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? >> --- 4. Are you a virgin? >> No. 5. What are your parents views on your relationships? >> There could never be a relationship that my father would have approved of.

6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them? >> --- 7. Is your best friend dating anyone? >> --- 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing? >> It’s black and has the design from the Endless Night Vampire Ball of 2019 on it. 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? >> Why would that bother me? 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? >> Of course, I do it all the time. 11. What is one feature that you don’t like? >> --- 12. Would people describe you as happy? >> I don’t know how people would describe me. It’s not like I make a habit of asking, and most people don’t make a habit of volunteering that information out of the blue. 13. Are you single? >> No. 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? >> Eh, whatever. For some reason, romantic relationships are of the most pressing importance to a lot of people, and I’ve gotten used to it. 15. Do you have Tumblr? >> Heh. Wouldn’t you like to know.

16. What about Xanga? >> Damn.... RIP. 17. Have you ever babysat before? >> Nope. 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate? >> Well, no, I’m not even in school. 19. Ever shopped at Sephora? >> Yeah, many times. 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do? >> The thing about having a spouse whomst you live with is that this kind of thing is way less likely to happen. 21. Do you have any university plans? >> No. 22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? >> --- 23. What are your views on sex? >> I don’t have “views” on sex. That’s such a broad question, lmao... 24. Do sexual questions bother you? >> Nah. 25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up? >> Wh.................. 26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding? >> Nah, I was never much into the idea of having a wedding. And then I had one, so you know. Life is like that. 27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’? >> I haven’t seen anyone type like that in almost a decade. The world has moved on. 28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? >> --- 29. Would you ever date a friends Ex? >> This is one of those situations that I just can’t at all imagine myself navigating. 30. What’s the last book you read? >> The last book I finished was The King in Yellow. That’s going to be my answer for a while, because the book I’m (re-)reading right now is fucking long. 31. Ready for 10 simple questions? >> Nope. 32. What is your last name? >> Hmm. 33. What grade are you in? >> I’m not in a grade. 34. What school do you go to? >> --- 35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring? >> Spring. 36. Favorite Color? >> Gold. 37. Are your parents together? >> No. 38. Any siblings? >> Not worth mention. 39. Favorite subject? >> I don’t have a favourite subject.

40. Least favorite subject? >> Or a least favourite subject. 41. Favorite song? >> People who can choose one favourite song are cryptids. 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? >> Hopefully I can stop giving such simple answers, too. 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? >> Thirteen. 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? >> Nope. 45. Have you ever googled yourself? >> Yeah. It’d be a lot harder to google myself now, because I have a fictional character’s name. 46. Have a Formspring? >> Well, no, considering that site is defunct. 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? >> Tell whoever it is to give the tickets to someone else? I’m completely uninterested in Justin Bieber. 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? >> Amusement park, if I must. 49. Been to Disney world? >> No. 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? >> No. 51. Ever had a boyfriend? >> Yes.

52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? >> I don’t know, maybe. 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? >> No. 54. Ever drank alcohol? >> Certainly. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? >> Sure. 56. Ever watched The Hills? >> No. 57. What about Jersey Shore? >> No. 58. Ever called someone a slut? >> Not seriously. I’ve said it in a joking way to friends who appreciate that sort of banter. 59. What do you think of short shorts? >> I don’t want to wear them. 60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? >> Of course not. 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? >> Yes. 62. What about a B? >> Argh..... yes to all. NEXT 63. And a C? 64. How about a D? 65. Ever skived? >> I don’t know what that is. 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? >> These dynamics don’t really apply to adult life... well, not in my experience. Maybe if I had a more structured social life? 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? >> --- 68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? >> Nah. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? >> I don’t make any judgements about it. 70. Ever watched porn? >> Yep. 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month? >> I don’t think I’ve broken any, considering I barely even go outside except to take walks. 72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? >> No. 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? >> All days of the week are pretty much interchangeable to me. 74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join? >> --- 75. Ever performed in a talent show? >> Probably. I don’t remember. 76. Have you ever cried in public? >> Yeah. I used to be homeless in a metropolis, privacy wasn’t something I had access to. Guess that might be part of why I’m so big on it now. 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? >> --- 78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? >> Fuck no. 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? >> *shrug* 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? >> *shrug* 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. >> Matthew McConaughey, Peter Mensah, Jeremy Irons, Denzel Washington, Oscar Isaac. 82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. >> Sandra Oh, Aisha Hinds, Normani Kordei, Gillian Anderson, Helen Mirren. 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity? >> Yeah, a couple of times. 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? >> I only have one photo of myself on facebook. 85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? >> It’s not a waste of money for whoever buys it. That person just wouldn’t be me, I have no interest in lip gloss. 86. Are you opinionated? >> Not especially. 87. Do you have a favorite store? >> Nope. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? >> I did when I was younger, but I doubt I’d be into them now. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? >> No. I can’t really fit into any jeans that aren’t stretchy (and the stretchy ones are usually skinny jeans). 90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? >> Many times. 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school? >> A couple of months, when I was in the psych ward. 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? >> Yeah. I google almost anything I don’t understand, unless I just have zero interest in understanding. 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? >> Why... would that bother me... 94. Own a pair of converse? >> Nope. I can’t wear any shoe without arch support. 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? >> --- 96. If yes, are you one of them? >> --- 97. Do you text in class? >> --- 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? >> The only pairs of jeans I have are from Old Navy. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” >> I don’t know what sizes are plus-sized and I’m not interested in finding out right now. 100. Do you want to lose weight? >> Yes. 101. Ever seen a therapist? >> Yes. 102. Ever watched porn? >> This is a repeat question and I would delete it if the questions weren’t numbered. 103. Ever purposely ignored a text? >> Yeah. 104. A facebook message? >> Yeah. 105. A poke? >> God, when did they finally get rid of those? I haven’t heard about pokes in years. 106. A friend request? >> Yeah. 107. Would you say you read into things too much? >> I don’t know if I read into things too much or not. 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? >> --- 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) >> No. 110. Ever been called a bully? >> No. 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? >> Many times. 112. Ever gone to church? >> Many times. I think I’ve gotten the gist of it by now. 113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? >> One of them was certainly a screw-up in caring for their child... 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? >> Absolutely not, considering that’s the parent I was talking about in the previous question. 115. What do you want to do with your life? >> I don’t have any specific goals for my life. I’m pretty content just living it.

116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? >> Yeah. 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? >> I don’t know if I’m ever going to get to dress up for Halloween. We’ll see. 118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? >> I’ve never been and I am way too old for it now. 119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? >> Like 80% of the celebrities I named in those two questions about attractive celebrities are way older than me. 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus? >> Only when I don’t have my headphones with me, which is... just about never. I know I have sensory issues, so I come prepared. 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? >> Fuck no. 122. Ever had a credit card denied? >> Yeah. 123. What’s the last movie you watched? >> The Lovebirds. 124. Last TV Show? >> Patriot Act. 125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? >> I can’t imagine this being bothersome to me. Or even significant, honestly. 126. Ever been called a whore? >> No. 127. Are you american? >> Yeah. 128. Ever made yourself throw up? >> Yeah. 129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend? >> Yeah. 130. Are you Cute or Gross? >> What...??? 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”? >> It would bother me if that was a situation I’d ever find myself in. 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like? >> --- 133. Ever had the lead in a play? >> Nope. 134. What about a solo in a concert? >> Nope. 135. What kind of a student are you? >> I’m not a student. 136. Worst subject? >> --- 137. Best subject? >> --- 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? >> Something like that. 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? >> --- 140. How late do you sleep in? >> 9a seems to be my limit. 141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them? >> --- 142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? >> This is so fucking rude. 143. Do you believe in love? >> Yawn. 144. Would you consider yourself a good student? >> --- 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” >> Not really, I usually just delete that question because, like... the survey-maker is definitely not going to see it, so what’s the point. 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy? >> Salty + sweet, spicy + sweet, spicy + salty, or any of them alone except for sweet. 147. Are you going into High School this year? >> Fuck no lmao 148. What about Junior High? >> Double fuck no lmao 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry? >> I don’t know, man. That’s usually contextual, anyway. 150. Where did you find this note? >> I got this survey from another survey-taker on tumblr. 151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? >> Zero.

[bigsnzstanacct]

The Third Sneeze

And here’s a male giant-sneeze one-shot I have been trying to formulate a sequel to for 1000 years and yet find myself unable. I lowkey think it’s one of the better-written fics I’ve done, although ultimately it’s still just a dude blowing shit away with sneezes. Y’know.

---

The first thing I noticed was his nose. It was one of those the playground kids probably called a beak, probably laughed at when he was growing up. It was one of those noses that was more long than wide, a slope down his face that bulged slightly at the sinuses. The tip was perfect, neither heavily rounded nor hooked, and the nostrils curved out perfectly. I wasn’t so much a connoisseur of noses, but of sneezes. And yet it was impossible not to make an exception for this, frankly, masterpiece: ever so slightly, almost imperceptibly hooked, broad based, ever so gently curved, and yet protruding, unmissable, at the center of his face, inches off his face, it seemed, at the nostrils.

It was the perfect nose. I just didn’t know how perfect.

The man himself had deep red hair, long and messy, swirls and wraps of the stuff hanging carelessly down his head and over his forehead. His eyes, though they were rapt, focused on the book he held out before him, seemed possessed of a permanent bemusement always on the edge of collapse into confusion. I got that sense that he’d be slightly smug, and too insecure to be cocky.

Since he was focused on his book, I allowed my eyes to travel, always returning, with some frequency, to the masterpiece bursting from the center of his face like a monument, organizing the space around it. (I was really into his nose, okay.) His light green sweater made a nice complement to his khaki slacks, which were quite well-fitting to say the least, and which he filled out rather better than expected, with surprisingly wide hips and a nice comfortable seat. He was clearly not a hyper-athletic type, but he must be taking good care of himself somehow. His shoulders were neither broad nor narrow, his body neither shrunken nor massive. To most, he was probably an average-looking guy: nice hair, nice smile, nothing special. To me he might as well have been sculpted from marble.

He was beautiful. All that was missing was…

And then the doors to the train dinged open. I was half-afraid he was going to get up, that this was his stop, but… no, he just slid over, allowing a woman to sit down. The woman appeared to be blind, held the leash on a beautiful black labrador… must have been her guide dog. Meanwhile, He-Of-The-Heaven-Sculpted-Nose seemed to barely notice the woman who sat down, totally engrossed in his book. But another man, sitting on his opposite side, nudged him, whispered something at him that sounded like, “dog alert.”

My big-nosed hypothetical paramour just shook his head at the other man, who I now assumed was his friend or colleague of some sort, and muttered, “I’ll be fine. I took my meds this morning.” Then he turned back to his book.

Now, if I were a normal guy, I would have thought little, nothing of that exchange, but… I may not be a true connoisseur of noses, but when it came to sneezing, to allergies… I was the best of the best. And I knew it was more than just my imagination—that big nose must be sensitive. Very sensitive. And indeed, the friend continued to pester him. I could just make out their conversation: “You sure, man? We’re on the train, it’s not like you can just get out whenever you want.” “Mark, it’s just an allergy, don’t worry about it.” “Yeah, sure, Gabe, it’s ‘just an allergy’… for the first two.”

Big Nose—Gabe, I reminded myself, though I was enjoying referring to him in my head according to his most attractive feature—seemed to pale for a moment at that, but quickly regained his composure. “Mark, man, I got it under control, seriously. I haven’t had an incident in like… almost a week. I’m getting used to it.” “Yeah, yeah, alright, just make sure I’m out of the blast zone, is all I’m saying.”

At this point I was certain I must be imagining things, hallucinating even. Their conversation seemed to imply… but no, they must be talking about something else. There was no way that this beautiful man, with his beautiful nose… But then, if ever there was a nose that seemed to hide something behind it, to hide behind it the sort of storm that seemed possible only in my silent, private fantasies: that was the nose. Thick, powerful, regal. And the nostrils, now flaring delightfully as he sniffed, the book slowly lowering into his lap, his brows beginning to arch up…

I was openly staring now, and I knew it. But how could I help it. Those eyes lapsed into a sort of startled confusion, as he quickly put a hand in his pocket, clearly trying to forestall the mounting sneeze long enough to smother it in something. His breath hitched audibly, “hh-heeaahhh…” and then, tissue or no tissue, the sneeze was coming. “HHHhiiissshhhhhhhuuuuuu!”

What? That was hardly what I’d expected, from such a powerful nose, such a clearly agonized buildup. It hadn’t been a tiny sneeze, but nothing to write home about. A hiss of air and spray, barely audible above the usual commotion of the train. He’d successfully caught it in a handkerchief, nose pressed into the folds, though the broad flare at the top of the nose was still visible above the hankie, and with all that cotton on top of it, it seemed that his nose stuck out even farther from his face. But the sneeze itself had been, frankly, rather disappointing. I allowed my eyes to wander, the luster of his nose fading in the light of his less-than-satisfying sneeze.

My eyes snapped back the second I heard a sneezy “oh god” wavering in his voice, so I caught the last instant of his terrifically itchy pre-sneeze face before: “HAAARRRRRRRSSSSCCCHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!” It was so loud it nearly made me jump, a monstrous roar of a sneeze louder than any I’d heard before, startling half the car, a few nearby people releasing cries of shock, several heads lifting from tablets and magazines and books to determine the epicenter of that blast, which was easily audible above the noise of the train. I heard some muttered “what the hell”s and “oh my god!”s, as the train tried to recover from the shock delivered by Gabriel’s sneeze.

As for me, I was in heaven. Now that was what I expected. That powerful nose, seized with an uncontrollable tickle, forced to blast it out full strength. Clearly it had overwhelmed him, since he’d been able to smother the first sneeze into a hardly remarkable flow of air, easily muffled in a handkerchief. But the hankie had done nothing to muffle the sound and fury of that second sneeze, which must have been several orders of magnitude larger and more powerful than the first. I was dazed, still recovering from the sneeze—though for quite a different reason than the subway-riders all around me—when I heard more of their furtive, whispered conversation, so at odds with the trumpeting blast of the man’s Vesuvius-sized sneeze.

“M-mahhh… M-M-mark I g-got it… I g-got it under control… it j-juhhh… just t-tickled was all, I just had to… I c-couldn’t but I’m not gonna…” “For shit, you’re not gonna, Gabe, you know what dog fur does to that mountain on your face, I’m getting up, I’m not getting blasted again.” “N-nahhh… n-no, Mark, I t-told you I can cahhh… haahhhhHHhhhh…” he pinched his nose at that moment, and I swear his nose seemed like a bucking bronco, the nostrils clearly wanting to flare and twist out of his control. “Jesus, Gabriel, you don’t have a chance of controlling that thing. Just face it, there’s a volcano on your face, and we need to warn these people before you… oh shit…”

Mark trailed off, and staring at Gabriel’s face, I knew why. Clearly whatever control he’d managed to secure had vanished. His hand was dropping from his face, his eyebrows raising again, his head tipping back, the broad architecture of his nose flaring and tickling, his mouth open to take in a colossal breath, an impossible… I swear I felt my hair sway slightly… but no I must be imagining… and yet… another gasp, completely audible: “hheeeEEAAAAHHhhhhh…” Nearby, a woman’s newspaper fluttered in the breeze… the breeze inside a train car… the breeze that must be coming from….

My mind didn’t want to believe it, it was too good, it was too perfect… dimly I worried… who knew how large his sneeze would be? Were we in danger? Would it blow open the train car? Would someone be blasted against the wall? The worry settled in my stomach along with that heavy warmth of anticipation, the two roiling and tangling and mixing, the one heightening the other. I was holding my breath even as his caught, again, on a sneeze, “heeeazzzsss… eeeaaasszzzzhhh…” Clearly Mark had had enough, and through my peripheral vision, I saw him stand, vaguely heard him begin, “Ladies and gentlemen, I…”

But he got no further, before he was drowned out by the greatest sneeze I have ever heard.

“WWWWHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA—“

It started out an absolute scream, his head falling further back, those nostrils flared impossibly wide, as though in preparation for the storm that was to issue from them. His eyes were shut tightly, tears prickling in the corner, his chest puffed up, full, fat with air. He was less a statue now than a titan, back arched and clearly on the edge of a typhoon…

“HHHHHHEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH—“

He flew forward, the roar of sound increasing, becoming impossibly, ear-drum-burstingly louder. And that was when I felt the first blast of wind, the roar of it against my clothes pushing me back in my seat, blowing back my hair, droplets of spray clinging to my button down shirt, my own eyes wanting desperately to close but staying open, staying open to watch, to take in every glorious image

“—HHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!”

The typhoon seemed to go on forever. I saw Mark go down—clearly it was a foolish idea to stand when Gabe was gearing up for a hurricane—as several others clung to the poles, barely staying upright. Skirts were lifted, papers of all kinds went flying from the clutching hands of their owners… books too weren’t safe from the hurricane, and I saw one man’s large messenger bag go sailing across the train car, along with several women’s purses, the contents flying across the train car as at last the fury of Gabriel’s nose abated, concluding with a shriek of a finale that left him bent flat forward, lips pursed and pushed out, eyes squeezed shut, and his nose, his glorious, glorious nose, looking somehow bigger than ever, protruding from his face, the epicenter of his face, the epicenter of the storm, the epicenter of the whole train car.

He seemed unwilling to open his eyes, obviously terrified to see what havoc his nose had wreaked. His nose was still active though, flaring and sniffing in recovery. For one thrilling, terrifying moment I was sure that he would sneeze again… his nose scrunching… but the moment passed. As he opened his eyes, the tell-tale ding sounded from the speakers overhead, and the car doors open. Snatching up his things, leaving behind the book he’d blasted from his own hands, he raced out of the car, a litany of apologies escaping his lips as he fled, clearly afraid of the retribution the subway riders would bring down on him.

In that instant, I made a decision. Snatching my bag (I’d clung to it viciously, having guessed—hoped!—what was about to happen), I flew out of my seat and out of the train doors almost as quickly as Gabriel had. I was dimly aware that Mark too was staggering to his feet, exiting the train, grumbling to himself about his friend and his monstrous sneezes. I hardly cared. I just had to talk to Gabriel, had to meet him, had to say something, though I had no idea what. I was all but chasing him out of the subway as the car doors closed, the appointment I was headed to forgotten, as I pursued the mysterious man with the enormous, overwhelming, powerful and perfect nose.

[thanksjro]

Polyhex Wars, Book 4: Hound’s Face-Heel Turn

So Hound wakes up.

Guess all that nuclear power was a little exaggerated- the room is scorched, but the planet still seems to be about as intact as it gets with Cybertron. Courier’s nowhere to be seen, and we all know what that means.

Up on the surface, everyone’s recovered from the sight of those huge-ass rocket boosters flaring up, and are back to trying to kill each other. The status quo must be maintained, dammit!

Megatron’s a little bummed that his plan’s been set back, but he’s nothing if not pragmatic about the situation.

There is absolutely NO POSSIBLE WAY to write their dynamic in a non-gay fashion.

He leaves Optimus to roll around in agony, because he’s used up his concern for the year, and rejoins the battle. Or at least, that’s what he was planning on doing, but he’s just noticed something really shiny on top of one of the rocket thrusters in the distance. And now there’s a noise, like thunder, and the brightness and the noise just keep rising and rising and rising and-

It’s a dude.

There’s a dude on the rocket thruster.

Oh what the fuck is this?

Nuke’s got the idea in his head that he’s got to the Transformers. As in, all of them. This guy just came into being and he’s asking them to line up all orderly so he can kill them. Forget the Epilogue to Eugenesis, this is the real murder-baby.

Nuke also has god powers, and uses them to group up all the Transformers to make his job easier. Hound, because he’s actually awake this time, joins the fray. Optimus manages to tell Megatron to lead everyone to victory against this giant nuclear douche, which he takes on happily, but still drags Optimus down the mountain with him. Once they reach the bottom, Optimus basically tells the Autobots to listen to their new dad, then passes out.

Megatron starts shouting at all the Combiner teams to do their thing, then tells Triggerhappy to get Ultra Magnus and Soundwave on the horn. Why they aren’t already here isn’t addressed, but we’ve got an overpowered asshole to fight, so there’s no time to ask questions.

Nuke is less than impressed with the Combiners, not to mention everyone else, and begins summoning tormented souls directly from hell, cracking open the planet and setting everything on fire. Everything was already on fire earlier, but now it’s REALLY on fire.

Everyone’s doing their best, but it’s looking grim. Slapdash and Double are dead, and so are literal tons of other robots.

There goes Sureshot.

Oh, and Kup.

Optimus is having a seizure, so that’s fun.

I love the “nothing much”, it’s so casual. And something tells me that Courier isn’t as far away as one might think.

Because Megatron isn’t the type of guy to waste a good out, he orders for Hound to be found so they can sacrifice him like a virgin to a volcano to this bizarre entity of nuclear power.

Doubleheader’s on the case, booking it through the battlefield, at one point stripping for survival as he leaps out of his Pretender shell to avoid being exploded- which is a little funny, in a meta sort of way. This pisses Doubleheader off, and he grabs a big ol’ sword out of one of the many piles of dead bodies and just lobs the thing at Nuke.

At this point, I have zero idea just how far away this bastard is supposed to be.

Nuke catches the sword with his body, nearly cleaving him in two, but he shrugs it off and proceeds to melt Doubleheader.

It’s this, of all things, that sets off Silverbolt.

Like, what’s so friggin’ special about Doubleheader that this is your “this far, no further” moment?

So this aerial assault goes about as well as is to be expected. Thundercracker gets decapitated, so that’s fun.

Hound has a sneaking suspicion that he might just know who this Nuke guy really is, and makes himself known. Nuke is pleasantly surprised to find himself recognized, then, in a show of his great and terrible power- power that he admits he has no idea how he got- destroys the moon.

Well, that’s just going to fuck up the tides.

Hound, for some reason, seems to think that now is the ideal time to start hurling insults at Nuke, who responds by erasing some rando from existence.

Nuke wants to thank Hound for letting him be reborn as this horrifically powerful being, and does so by getting on his level and then stripping off his skin. Megatron decides that now would be a good time for Optimus’ nap to be over, and shakes him into consciousness.

That’s what I thought you’d say, you stupid fucking martyr.

I can’t believe Hound’s doing worse here than he did in Eugenesis. He’s probably literally the only one who can say that. I can’t even say that, and all I did was read the friggin’ thing.

Optimus manages to stand and engage Nuke in the ultimate dick-measuring contest. He insults him, calls him a weak baby who will never measure up to Optimus’ own god powers, and is generally a jerk trying to garner a reaction.

Which he gets.

Nuke floats up into the air and summons all his power into his hand, and prepares to throw it down at the gathered Transformers. Optimus summons his own power, making a finger gun and shooting white-hot… power electricity, I guess, hitting Nuke point-blank in the chest.

That does nothing. Optimus tries again, with some molten energy this time. Again, not a whole lot of reaction- Nuke screams a little, but it seems to have about the same amount of affect as banging his shin on the coffee table.

Optimus, however, is feeling pretty drained by this whole ordeal. He collapses to his knees and looks up only to find that Nuke’s grown in size. Also, he’s leaking light out of all his joints and started speaking in bolded all-caps directly into everyone’s brains.

…Nuclear reactors don’t do these things. I’m not terribly sure where all this is coming from.

At this point, everyone’s pretty convinced that they’re about to be killed, so they just kind of stand there and wait for the hammer to drop.

Nuke explodes.

And not in a way that he intended.

Looks like all that needling Optimus was doing earlier was to see if Nuke really was stronger than him, so he could pump the entirety of those crazy Limbo powers into the guy.

Also, Hound’s fine. The thing that got skinned was just a hologram. I guess Nuke was so blinded in his quest for revenge, he didn’t realize he was eviscerating a light projection. Red Alert comes over, and both he and Hound go up the thruster to make sure Nuke’s been taken care of.

They find what’s left of Courier hanging off the lip of this massive thruster, begging for mercy. Hound’s ice cold about this whole thing, outright stating that Courier deserves to die.

And then he fucking kills him.

You know, if this had been written a few years later, we might have gotten more of a build up to this point, and really seen how this sort of journey from pacifist to being willing to revenge kill someone would affect Hound as a character. The bones are here for a really neat story.

As is, we end on a cliffhanger. One that will never be resolved. Just like First Aid existing in two places at once.

Up next, we’ll be taking a look at another exciting Roberts writing trend- the holiday special!

[animation-recaps-by-sean]

Gravity Falls Beyond the Woods Chapter Two

Here it is, chapter two! 

Wendy and Dipper are excited for summer, while things start happening at Gravity Falls again. 

Warning this chapter is rated T for mild sexual content/ Blood and Violence 

<-prev next-> 

The fire roared around her as Wendy looked for the family. Her fellow firefighters where outside, hosing down the fire. With a swing of her ax, she broke down a burning door. There she saw the trapped family, a father and three children, helpless in the corner. He was unconscious and the kids were scared. Lifting the unconscious man on her shoulders and leading the rest out of the inferno, Wendy saved the family.

As the paramedics checked on the shaken family, Wendy removed her mask. Her long hair fell down her back. After making sure the fire was contained, Wendy returned to the firehouse. She sripped off the uniform and into the shower. Her physical career had given her a muscular physique. Her arms had some nice definition. Not to mention her abs. Her wedding ring, a simple gold band, was next to her engagement ring, silver with emerald to match her eyes, Dipper gave her on her ring finger. She could feel the grim and soot on her. Wendy turned the knob. The hot water ran down her body, washing the ash away. God, it felt amazing. The redhead made sure to scrub the soap into her skin. She shut off the shower and grabbed a towel.

As she was drying her hair, she got an idea. Grinning, she grabbed her phone and took a quick pic of herself in the buff; sending it out to her husband.

The camera steaded on Dipper as he spoke to the family. “Okay, the first step in investigating the cause of a haunting is figuring out what isn’t.” He pulled out a small white device. “This is a carbon monoxide detector. You’ll be surprised how similar the effects of carbon monoxide poisoning is to poltergeist activity. Just in case, we’re gonna hook you guys up with a hotel while we wait for the tests. I’m also check commercial flight patterns and see if any fly over your house. While there is no concrete proof that that airplanes vibrations, I want to see if it as any connection too...”

“Oooo. Oooo.” The lights flickered on and off. A cross look appeared on Dipper’s face.

“Guys, we talked about this. You can do whatever you want in post, but when we’re on the ground, I can do my research.”

One of the producers answered, “We’re not doing this.”

“I can see Steve flipping the switch.” The camera turned to the left, following Dipper’s finger point. A man with quickly flipping a switch. Dipper looked at the ceiling. “That’s just a recording. These people came to us for help! And I do not appreciate you making a mockery of this investigation!” Dipper climbed up the bed post to better reach the ceiling fan. “This is a serious investigation! A serious investigation!” As Dipper reached over to the fan, to get the phone the “ooos” were emitting from, he fell down onto the bed, breaking the frame. Sending the mattress crashing to the floor.

The video paused among the students’ laughter.  An older Dipper stood in front of the class.

“And that was the end of my reality television career. Yes it’s okay, you can laugh.” The male Pines twin, in addition to marrying his favorite redhead and fathering two wonderful children, had grown up to become a professor of paranormal studies and history at Backupsmore University; his great uncle’s old stomping ground. “In out profession, they’ll always be people who don’t take us seriously. And some of that is on us. Flat earthers, anti-vaxxers and worse makes us all look like idiots. The thing is, is to keep your head up, question everyone, especially yourself. We are still discovering new species every year. There is so much more is discov…” His phone went off. He looked at the photo his wife texted him. “Yes!” Dipper did that little arm pump thing. “Sorry, something personal. Where was I?” The bell rang. The student rose to leave. “Alright, enjoy your summer. Apologizes to those who thought this was a blow off class and thanks for sticking with it.”

Once the last students left, so did Dipper. Walking into the staff room, he was greeted by several other professors. “Mason.” Most people he met as an adult called him Mason, but to his family, he’ll always be Dipper. “So, any plans with Bigfoot this summer? How close are you guys?”

“I’ve never met Bigfoot. Mothman owes me 250 dollars though.” This elicited a laugh from everyone. “But seriously, never lend money to Mothman.”

The forest was quiet. God, Rich was so frustrated. A top of the line government agent, stuck hunting freaking bigfoot and ufos in the middle of nowhere Oregon.

“This is a waste of my talents.” Sweat was running down his brow. Pale blonde hair a mess. He was dressed in the traditional black suit and tie, complete with sunglasses.

“You have talents?” Agent Mitch was spot on for Agent Rich, expect he was a brunette and was a bit more put together.

“Yes. And they don’t involve finding Bigfoot.”

“We’re not looking for Bigfoot, we’re looking for…”

“Yeah, yeah yeah. A statue of a Dorito with a Mr. Peanut hat. Real important.” Rich kicked over some mushrooms that had grown in a circle.

Mitch went to the ground and grabbed a handful of dirt as it held the answers. He spoke as he let the dirt fall through his fingers. “The statue of ‘The Cipher’. The thing that gets me is that no one is saying anything about it. Normally, you find numerous eye witness reports from the locals. But here, we got nothing.”

“Probably because there’s nothing to-” A series of giggles cut him off. “What was that?”

Mitch sprang to his feet. The area was suddenly filled with fireflies. No, they were people. Little people. Some were the size of flies, while others were the size of barbie dolls. The creatures came in a variety of colors, green, orange, blue, and others. Some wore clothes that looked like they were made of plants, such as leaves or flower petals. Others wore silk wrapped around their bodies, sparkling and completely see through. Most hadn’t bothered with clothes at all. Their laughter was childlike but unsettling. Both agents had pulled their guns out. Rich was swearing under his breath.  

“Greetings humans.” The speaker was six inches tall, lavender skin with deep plum hair; which was worn short. Standing on a mushroom, wiggling their toes. Slender fingers They were dressed lightly. The shortest of shorts and tube top, a slightly darker shade of their skin, was all the creature wore. Both were incredibly tight, hiding very little. Their face was pointed, chin, nose, and teeth. Eyes were purple with no pupils.Wings of a dragonfly sat on their back, sparkling. The body was slim, with the barest of hints that there was a bust. To further confuse the agents, there was a slight bulge in their shorts. Voice was raspy, making it hard to deterement gender.  “I am Puck, the most humble servant of Titania, Heiress of the Tuatha De Danann, Keeper of Tir na nOg, and Queen of the Fair Folk. You have disrespected our land.” The fairy Puck gestured over to the mushrooms.

Mitch was the one to speak first. “Please, we meant no disrespect. We are looking for a statue. It’s like a rock that’s shaped-”

“I know what a statue is. And I know what you seek is no statue, but the remains of Bill.”

“You mean The Cipher?”

“His name is Bill, but okay.” Puck touched their fingertips together before spreading their arms way. “But enough about Billy. Let’s talk about the desecration of our sacred ring.”

“The mushrooms?” Rich sneered when he regained his composure.

“Yes, the mushrooms. And punishment for such disrespect is death.” Puck dramatically pointed at the two men.  

The fairies had started flying around them, keeping themselves low, around Rich and Mitch’s ankles.

Rich laughed and simply stepped over them.

“Ah, Rich?”

“Am I supposed to be afraid of a bunch of little men?”

He stomped down on the fairy hard. Puck raised their hand, nails extending, piercing the soles of the shoe, emerging out the other side. Rich fell over screaming.

At this Puck laughed. Their laugh was as light as the chirp of the grasshopper and as cold as arctic wind. “Little men? LITTLE MEN!” And Puck began to recite.

Up the airy mountain, Down the rushy glen, We daren’t go a-hunting For fear of little men; Wee folk, good folk, Trooping all together; Green jacket, red cap, And white owl’s feather!

The others joined them. The fairies landed on the ground, and began matching toward the men. Meanwhile, Puck grew in size, muscle bulging out, wings receding. Hands turning into claws, teeth grew not only in length, but in number. By the end of the poem, Puck was eight feet tall.

Down along the rocky shore Some make their home, They live on crispy pancakes Of yellow tide-foam; Some in the reeds Of the black mountain-lake, With frogs for their watchdogs, All night awake.

High on the hill-top The old King sits; He is now so old and grey He’s nigh lost his wits. With a bridge of white mist Columbkill he crosses, On his stately journeys From Slieveleague to Rosses; Or going up with the music On cold starry nights, To sup with the Queen Of the gay Northern Lights.

They stole little Bridget For seven years long; When she came down again Her friends were all gone. They took her lightly back, Between the night and morrow, They thought that she was fast asleep, But she was dead with sorrow. They have kept her ever since Deep within the lake, On a bed of fig-leaves, Watching till she wake.

By the craggy hillside, Through the mosses bare, They have planted thorn trees For my pleasure, here and there. Is any man so daring As dig them up in spite, He shall find their sharpest thorns In his bed at night.

Up the airy mountain, Down the rushy glen, We daren’t go a-hunting For fear of little men!

And with that last line, Puck picked up Mitch. The man started screaming and did so as Puck put half of him into their mouth and took a bite. Blood sprayed all over Rich’s face, getting in his eyes, as he screamed too. As Puck continued eating his partner, Rich got up, stumbling, and ran off; the other fairies swarming and cutting him. He ran, will tried too as he was limping, to a hill and fell down rolling.

When he hit the bottom, he felt around the ground. “Help! HELP!”

He felt a hand grasp his. It was metal.

[writeawayjake]

Robin Hood AU

CH. 2

Sherwood

   Marian stood at the base of Sherwood Security, a massive glass edifice in the heart of Manhattan. She wasn’t sure if it was genuine awe or jet lag but she couldn’t help being a little impressed at the hundred story dick John King built. Probably wanted to outdo Trump tower, She thought. 

   She let out a sigh, her breath hanging in the chilly, early morning air. Putting her head down she marched into the lobby through the large revolving doors. A checkered black and white marble floor led to an absolutely ridiculous fountain filled with little marble statues of cherubs or whatever the hell they’re called. Looking around she could see half a dozen crew cuts in cheap suits all sitting on black leather couches practicing their interview answers.

   On her three o'clock sat the receptionist, a mousy little brunette, probably a summer intern. With a nervous sigh she reserved herself to this and marched over to the long black desk. 

   “Excuse me. I have an appointment with Mr. Nottingham.”

   “Okay, uhm name - name please?” She stumbled nervously.

   “Maid, Marian.” Don't fucking say it. She prayed.

   “Oooooh, just like from Robin Hood!” 

   Uuuuugh. Letting out a sigh, she replied, “Yeees.”

   Realizing she had irritated Mari the receptionists demeanor quickly went back to being frightened, 

   “Uhm - just take that elevator. Thirty uh - thirty third floor.”   

   “Thank you.” Mari replied, clenching her jaw and pursing her lips.

   She tucked the folder holding her file under her arm and continued marching to the elevator. Feeling like a sellout she tried to shake it off as nerves. 

   Pressing the silver thirty three she began her slow ascent into the hell that is job interviews. She was sure this Nottingham would be some pale pudgy businessman, probably loved Excel spreadsheets and hard candy.

   Straightening her jacket and fussing with her cuffs she fidgeted all the way up. 

   Thirty one. Thirty two. Thirty three. The doors opened smoothly after the familiar bing. A towering figure in a tailored black suit stood outside of them. She couldn't even see their head until exiting the elevator. 

   A pointed black beard jutted out from a square jaw. Dark brown eyes glowered down at her from under a heavy furrowed brow. 

   “Lieutenant,” the towering figure growled. “Come with me.” 

   “Uh yessir.” She replied instinctually, quickly falling into line behind the glaring sasquatch. 

   Under his suit jacket she could see the shape of a sidearm holster. Not surprising, every guy in the lobby had a piece. You couldn't even apply without an open and concealed carry permit. But unlike all the crewcuts downstairs this one wasn't some carbon fiber semi automatic number. The lines were too organic, the shape was all wrong. 

   Son of a bitch is carrying a six shooter? And a pretty large caliber by the looks of it. At least a .357.

   While she was noticing all of this, they'd been walking down a long hall of fine marble flooring and gaudy gold light fixtures. Really seemed like this guy was trying to out-douche the Trump family.

   Every five or so feet of wall hung a God awful portrait of a different old white guy, looking more and more spoiled and weak, until they finally came to the double doors. On the wall next to them was a portrait twice the size of the rest, but the guy in it wasn't even half the age of the others. A chinless face without even any peach fuzz, a crooked smile and overpriced haircut. Under the painting and on the door read the same inscription. 

   John King, CEO, CFO, Genius.

   Oh sweet Jesus… she thought.

   "Through here." Growled her escort as he opened the door for her.

   "Thank you." She replied instinctually. 

   Stepping forward she entered an office that was nearly the size of the building's lobby. Floor to ceiling windows gave a spectacular view of the city skyline, and that was about the only redeeming quality the room had. Everywhere else the douche had been turned up to eleven. Tacky gold fixtures and white marble made it look like the lobby to Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.

   Black leather couches that would no doubt sparkle under a blacklight formed semi circles in each corner of the room. 

   By the door itself, set into the wall was the largest liquor cabinet she had ever seen. 

   A massive desk that had to be made of some kind of endangered species of tree from the Amazon or some shit sitting smack in the middle of this eyesore. On either side of it were small, obviously fake, palm ficus trees. The desk itself was covered with stupid nicnaks from all over the world or at least it was trying to look like. 

   Sitting at the massive desk was the one who had invited her. The famous John King in all his underwhelming and douchey glory. He was comically small compared to the desk and his giant assistant.

   "Thank you Nottingham," The CEO said, steepling his fingers as if he needed to come off any creepier.

    "Please, Lieutenant, sit." He continued, gesturing to the chair on the opposite side of the desk. "Tell me, what do you know about Sherwood?" 

    Oh god this interview question, really? She wondered before putting on her darkest smile and replying, "From what I understand Sherwood Security offers high end personal protection for VIP's and their assets." 

    "Ah! I see someone read the quote on the company website," he retorted, voice heavy with sarcasm. "Yes those are the more public side of our operations but aside from security we are also the world's best contractors." 

    Contractors, that word sent a shiver up her spine. It was short for Private Military Contractors, a fancy way of saying mercenaries. All the way out in the high mountains in places like Shah-I-Kot she thankfully hadn't run into many contractors. Among her more meatheaded troops they held a reputation as amazingly effective operators but anyone with half a brainstem knew that war without the red tape had a tendency to devolve into little more than murder. Running with mercs didn't sit well with her but the money grubbing goblin in the back of her head wouldn't let her turn up the potential payday just yet.

    "We operate very heavily in the hindu kush these days but our operations are quite widespread. I'm told you have an intimate familiarity with that area yes?" Flipping through a file on his desk he continued, reading aloud, "Kabul, Shah-I-Kot, Korengal, you must know those mountains like the back of your hand by now lieutenant." A sleazy smile cracked his face in half in an attempt to look friendly. 

    Feeling dirty all over she quickly replied, "Yes sir." Putting on a tight smile she clenched her jaw.

[rollforsleepy]

So I’ve been working on this for like three weeks! It’s been a tonne of fun but also a tonne of work. Coming up with five distinct subraces meant a lot of drawing! Oh boy! This started as a re write of the Dryad race because I didn’t think the Dryad race i found online was super playable, but it kinda gotta away from me a bit so I left dryads behind and these are fully homebrewed! The main carry overs from dryads are the +2 wisdom that they all get, and the no metal caveat in the weaponry proficiencies.

I spent some time researching different culture’s mythology on dryads and similar creatures. Wikipedia has a handy list of similar folklores at the end of the dryad entry (im not linking cos tumblr screws w posts w external links, but you can check it out yourself if youre curious). Basically I picked a few and wrote down some notes on each one so each subclass had a distinct feeling to it.

The Deep Forest subclass is based off hamadryads. Super long life, connected to a specific tree (i removed the life or death thing and just made it birthed by a tree, cos having a tree that if cut would killed you seemed unbalanced to me), that sorta thing. Cos they’re based on Oak trees, and Oaks are fairly hardy, I gave them some good survival type stuff. I didn’t want long, unfamiliar names so I changed it from Hamadryad to Deep Forest. Also I really didn’t want them to hark back to dryads and just Hamad had a weird ring to it to me

Gillie Du got to pretty much keep it’s name tho. Originally it’s Ghillie Dhu, and there was nothing wrong w that but i wanted things a bit simple in the name department. Ghillie Dhu is a Scottish fairy who (to drastically summarise him) lives in a marsh and plays tricks on people. As I said earlier, I wasn’t using these sources as gospel, just as flavour affects, so the Gillie Du subrace became a more water based thing with the breathing under water and swim speed.

Desert Walkers probably changed most from their original material. I started with the Salabhanjika, a sculpture found in india that’s always got a tree and a musical instrument in it. I wanted a bit of size range (i had to talk myself out of making one of them Large size cos it got too op, but I wanted to so bad) so they got the Small tag, then because India is a hot country and I already had a sub class more tightly woven in with fruit trees I made it more desert based, giving some good boosts to travelling related skills. I really love playing Small races and I wanna play as one of these now, it feels built for a ranger but I think it could make a kickass wizard tbh

The Maliade are based on the Epimelides, who were a kind of nymph associated with apple trees and sheep. I extended that association to fruit trees and all farm animals cos i didn’t want to cramp anyones roleplaying incase someone really wanted to be a Maliade who’s buddies with a bull and makes three magic dragon fruits every day. There’s no information beyond that on wikipeida, but I didn’t have any subrace who had a close relationship with people, so they got that. I like this one, I think the skills are pretty useful in a lot of small ways

And the Kodama! The Kodama are the only ones who actually got to keep their original name. Kodama are a Japanese spirit that inhabit trees. They can also be seen as Mountain Gods. So these guys got the mountain skills. Spider climb is a great skill, but when coupled with a slower speed I thought they cancel out pretty comfortably to make a balanced race. The Kodama has a brief description on wikipedia, but it’s terrifying, “small, white humanoids with large, rattling heads and mask-like features, with asymmetrical black dots for eyes and mouth, and move similar to bobbleheads.” I took the essence of this (pale skin, dark eyes) and dropped the rest. A lot of people (myself included) like their characters to be sexy, and that ain’t hot to me

Click through to read a transcript of the race if the font above is too small/blurry.

I’m gonna be making more of these and if there’s some interest I’ll start doing some stuff on Patreon, let me know if you thinks that’s something worthwhile. I’ve got a race in the works now that is like a living statue. Super slow but super durable. It’s a bit min/max but could be fun for some campaigns

Nature Spirits

Nature Spirits are a known phenomenon, a wandering essence of the land who appear commonly in the land. Some Nature Spirits are chosen and come into being through a birth touched by the land, some choose the path themselves and give their souls over to the land, some are simply brought into being by the powers of the land. It is a difficult life as a Nature Spirit, your priority is not yourself rather the protection and love of your home land. You have features and traits specific to the type of land you hail from.

Varied Childhoods

Each Nature Spirit is different, some wander far from their home, travelling and researching the world at large to better safeguard the continued life of their land. Others never leave and are rarely if ever seen by a civilised person. Some live in harmony with the people of their land, others seek to drive out humanoid peoples. You path in life is up to you, but the land you are from is your home and your priority.

Nature Spirit Traits

Ability Score Increase: Your Wisdom score increases by two.

Languages: You speak Common and Sylvan

Weapon Proficiency: You are proficient with the quaterstaff, club, greatclub, and slings. You cannot use this proficiency to use metal weapons and must use naturally found projectiles (such as wood, stone, nuts) for your sling. If your Class gives you proficiency in any of these weapons the metal caveat no longer applies

Alignment: Nature Spirits can have any alignment, but their loyalty lies with the land that powers them

Choose one from the following Racial Variants

Deep Forest

These spirits emerge from an ancient tree once in the trees lifetime, sometimes living incorporeally their whole lives, other times taking humanoid form to explore their forest in that way. They are ancient, tough, and fast, living the longest of any of their brethren Nature Spirits. Their hair forms as moss does atop their head. They are the least likely to leave their home unless they must.

Age: You age slowly, up to about 1000 years, and you age in time as a human would, at 80 years old you appear 8, at 900 years old you appear as a 90 year old human

Size: Medium

Speed: Your speed is 35ft

Ability Score Increase: Your Strength score increases by one.

The Hard Trek: Rough and difficult terrain does not affect you

Vision: You have Darkvision to a distance of 60ft

Survivalist: You are proficient in the Survival skill

Gillie Du

The Gillie Du find home wherever land meets water, be it ocean, river bank, or a swampy marsh. They are generally cheerful and occasionally make themselves known as a trickster to strangers in their land. Their skin is a dusky green tone but otherwise they appear somewhat elven. They can be born of humanoids, but more often are formed over some time in their land, and very occasionally a humanoid will show such a loyalty to the land that they turn into a Gillie Du. They are comfortable in both water and on land, but prefer land.

Age: You are fully grown at about 40 years old and do not age until your death at about 700 years of age.

Size: Medium

Speed: Your speed is 30ft, and your swim speed is 30ft

Ability Score Increase: Your Dexterity score increases by one.

Powerful Lungs: You can hold your breath for fifteen minutes plus a number of minutes equal to your Constitution modifier (minimum of zero)

Vision: You have Darkvision to a distance of 60ft

Sleep with Ease: You can cast the Alarm spell once a day without components

Desert Walker

Desert Walkers are born in deserts and find themselves comfortable in a hot climates. They are the most inhuman in appearance, still humanoid but with grey black skin, ears that connect behind their heads, and everlastingly young. Their age, of course, is not reflected in their appearance and they often speak with an experience that startles people. They are soft spoken and have learned from the many cultures they have encountered in their time.

Age: You live up to roughly 200 years, always appearing someone younger than an adult

Size: Small

Speed: You move quickly despite your size. Your speed is 30

Ability Score Increase: Your nomadic lifestyle has caused you to meet with the odd civilisation and learn from many varied cultures. Your Intelligence score increases by one

Inexhaustable: You have advantage against effects that will cause Exhaustion

Fire: You can cast the Cantrip Produce Flame

Musically Gifted: You have proficiency in one musical instrument of your choice

Keep an Eye Out: You have Expertise in the Perception skill

Endurance: You do not need to eat

Maliade

The Maliade Spirits are the most civilised, often the child of a townsperson who is touched by the powers of nature. They grow up with a community of humanoids in a small town hidden in the forest, or a larger city connected to an expanse of untouched flora. They are Medium size even if their birth parents are Small or Large, their size is determined by their Nature Spirit soul. They are friendly with animals and people alike, used to the constraints of town life as well as the freedom beyond. They are the most normal in appearance, the least likely of their kin to turn heads

Age: You age at the same rate as the average human, and die at roughly 100 years of age

Size: Medium

Speed: Your speed is 30ft

Ability Score Increase: Your Charisma score increases by one.

Language: You can speak to all farm animals

A Good Fruit: Everyday you can create four fruits of your choice, each feeds the average person for a day and restores 2 Hit Points. You cannot use this abiliy again until your next long rest

Find a Ride: At 3rd level you can cast Find Steed once a day, you are restricted to animals that would be normally found in a farm such as a horse, sheep, or cow.

Cook: You are proficient in Cooks Tools

Kodama

The Kodama are usually the result of a lost traveller or explorer who commits their life to protecting the land they’ve found and accepts the physical changes that entails. They are drawn to the roads and paths through their mountain range, watching and learning the different plants, animals, and humanoids that grow and pass through. They are pale skinned with dark irises and are generally more lean than strong.

Age: You live up to 400 years, aging to appear as a human would in their 60s

Size: Medium

Speed: You’re used to moving carefully across treacherous mounains, as such your speed is 25ft

Ability Score Increase: The mountains are a hard life. Your Constitution score increases by one

Natural Defence: You are more likely to defend yourself than attacked, as such once a day you can cast Barkskin

A Life of Climbing: You are forced to carefully climb your way throug life, leaving you with an ability most professional climbers would marvel at. You can Spiderclimb, climbing across walls and roofs live gravity doesn’t affect you

Sight: You have 30ft of Darkvision

[askdawnandvern]

Yuri: Well, first off I'd retire immediately, then I'd buy me a bunch o' classic motorcycles. One fer every day of the week and then some. Then I'd just spend my days cruisin' around the back country in Meowntana, just seein' the sights and drinkin' in the cool,crisp montain air.

Val: Now there's a guy after my own heart. Maybe I hooked up with the wrong wolf eh Kodi?

Kodi: I like motorcycles! I mean...I like trucks more but...I mean, hey, you can store my motorcycles on my trucks an-

Val: Relax Fluff, I'm just kidding.

Ada: Bedda be. Dis mammal here is mine! Got dat fox goil? And where am I in all dis ya mook?

Yuri: You'll be ridin' with me babe. You'll be my biker bi-er...gal.

Ada: Keep talkin'...

Yuri: Just you and me, cruisin' through the back hills, wind in our fur...it'll be perfect.

Ada: Heh, I like da sound a dat actually.

Dawn: I honestly don't know what I'd want to do if we won the lottery.

Vernon: Me neither...I mean, I don't exactly want to up and quit my job. And movin' anywhere outta city would make it that much harder to do my job.

Dawn: We could always move to a fancier place in Downtown Savannah Central then we already have now, but I mean...it seems kind of pointless to use it for that.

Vernon: Dawn's book money keeps us purty comfy, and keeps the pups well cared fer. Not spoilt o' course....but eh...well enough off. Anythin' else I can think of just feels like an exercise in pointless excess...

Dawn: Oh! I've got it! A vacation home in Scottram! And maybe another in-oh...wait...

Vernon: Yeah, family is banned from Norwulff after the whole 'Ully' incident. Although with lotto winnin's burnin' a hole in our pocket we could probably persuade them to let us in.

Dawn: I just figured it might be nice for the kids to be able to get a regular dose of culture around their heritage. But the Norwulff thing would be a big issue.

Vernon: It's a good plan Honey Lamb. And hey, the kids could even relocate if they wanted when the got older. And hey, between the money and yer social status they'd be bound to let us into Norwulff someday.

Dawn: As long as we promised Ully would never visit.

Trenton: Yeah, way to go on that one Ully.

Ulric: Hey! I made history! I'm going to be remembered for what I revealed to the world! And if I had those lotto winnings I'd take those bastards to court for wrongfully expelling me from their country!

Dorian: Y'all are lucky I was able to talk them outta jailin' y'all fer two decades over their desecration laws! The gods know they wouldn't have been as merciful to y'all if it had been in Scottram!

Audrey: Lottery winnin's fer us wouldn't change much. I'd still be farmin', and we'd still live here.

Dorian: I'd retire right now if we won, and put in a good word fer either Zach er Vanna to take my spot, dependin' on what y'all wanted to do.

Zach: I mean, I guess I'd be fine either way. I think most of the folks in the North Meadowlands want me to take up the reins when y'all retire...but Vanna might be a better sheriff than me.

Vanna: Goofball stop, you don't mean that...

Zach: Course I do! I'd say between the two of us yer way better at stickin' to procedure. I'd just mess things up.

Audrey: Well regardless of what y'all decide, you wouldn't have to worry about yer property. If we had that money I'd probably have a house built fer all of y'all, with enough space to have yer privacy and then some. That way y'all would always have a place to stay fer extended visits, or if y'all ever wanted to move back to the Meadowlands.

Vernon: That's sweet Ma.

Xavier: I think I'd go ahead and form my own practice, and help Mally expand his business.

Malcolm: Like I need a chain? Pft...I'm fine where I'm at. If my place was any bigger it would loose that personable charm it has. I wouldn't know all my customers, and be able to handle customer service stuff personally, which despite the occaisinal' headache I love to do.

Xavier: Well then, a fancier apartment. Perhaps a penthouse suite with a nice view of the bay.

Malcolm: Now that I wouldn't say no too...

Trenton: I'd quite bein' a patroller and probably move somewhere colder. Maybe get myself a nice, big cabin in Vanhoover, or even Alceska. Spend most of my days snowboardin'.

Qali: And what about me?

Trenton: Yer comin' with me o' course. What, y'all think I was gonna leave my little snowball behind?

Qali: But I can't leave my family's farm...I'm the only one of my sisters who actually wants to take up the family buisness! If I leave, Dad would probably have to close it!

Trenton: Alright fine, So it'll be an offseason vacation home then. That way I can get my snowboardin' in offseason....and never have to endure another Tri-burrow summer...

Qali: Ugh....yeah....I could do without that myself!

Wade: I'd stay in Zootopia, but I'd quit the ZPD. Probably start collecting killer snowmobiles and taking them on all the back mountain trails in Tundratown. Oh, I'd also have a custom house build that could actually accommodate someone of Giselle's size so she didn't have to live with her neck almost constantly bent at a 90 degree angle.

Giselle: Oh thank you luv', that would be a gift from the gods!

Kodi: I'd miss having her as a neighbor though...and that little trap door in the floor wouldn't have any use if she left!

Giselle: Oh you know I'd still come visit you and connah', I'd just have to get my whole body in your house instead of just me neck.

[black-wolf877]

Deku meets Spry

So @pigknightwarrior ask me to write this never done this before but enjoy the story (I will add the read more later when I get home mobile sucks for that)

For the past few months when Deku went out on his hero training or going off to school he has been noticing some of his stuff miss throughout his room. What he didn’t know was he had a borrower named Spry living thought out his walls. At times he thought he just missed placed it or even forgot where he put. One night when he was asleep, he heard something drop “hello? What was that sound it very close.” He looked over the edge of his bed then under it but there was nothing there. Spry had done the worst thing and dropped her lantern she heard the giant start to move above in the bed. She ran and hide behind the bed leg and held her breath and tried her best not make any kind of noise. Thoughts was racing though her head like how could I drop my light at the same time she happy she did because it put the light out and she was able to hide better.

Deku looked but didn’t see anything there “guess it was nothing” he laid back down and went right back to sleep. Spry waited for a bit tell she knew he was back into a deep sleep, once she heard a snore it was time to get to work. She grabbed her backpack and check to make sure everything was there, the most important thing she needed today was her blade which she made from an exacto knife she borrowed. Spry was running low on materials she needs for her clothing and other stuff, so finding fabric was a must for tonight. She made her way to the around the floor all she could see was this smiling man all over then place. Then her luck started to look up for her after looking what felt like hours, she found an old dusty shirt on the floor. She pulled her blade and started to cut some of the shirt, once that was done, she started to drag it back home through a hole she made in the wall hidden behind the desk.

Time pasted and Deku just kept seeing this disappear he knew something wasn’t right. One thing he did notice was every time he had raisins it looked like some was gone from what he had grabbed from the kitchen. So that morning before he went for training, he got a glass and made kind of a makeshift trap. He put some raisins in a bowl and on when what ever stepped in that bowl will make the cup drop over top the bowl. Once that was done, he left for his day at school hopping he would catch whatever was taking his stuff. Spry woke and was ready to get her breakfast she knew that at this time the giant would be gone for most of the day which means it’s a good time for her to gather food for the day. She knew that he always kept snacks up on his desk, so grabbed her hook out her bag and threw it to the top of the chair. When it hooked, she pulled to make sure it wouldn’t slip lose, she started to pull herself up to the top and repeated till she was on top of the desk. She saw a bowl and went to see what was in it and to her luck it was her favorite treat raisins. She climbed in the bowl and started to put one in her bag, but when she went for another something fell on top of the bowl. She tried to push it over but no luck she was trapped. She started freaking out looking to see if there was even a way for her to get out before the giant gets home, but it didn’t seem like it. Hours passed till the door opened and to Deku he was shocked to see what his trap caught. Was this a villain who could change their size and was spying on all them or just him? He walked over to the cup and looked at it “Who are you why are you here spying on us?”

Oh god. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. Spry backed up against the looking fearfully at the gargantuan bean. She stammered, fear guarding her mouth, preventing the words from slipping to beg for mercy. "I-I wasn't I-.. P-please, please don't..." Tears edged her eyes threatening to spill. Is this how she dies?

Deku could see that he was scaring this person and try to clam his voice a bit. They looked like they were scared for their life  "whoa whoa don't cry how about this nod yes or no if you are hear spying on us and don’t what?" he didn’t  want to hurt this person but he also don’t know what their powers are. Spry couldn't keep her chest from bobbing up and down but she shook her head quickly. She felt the piercing green orbs shooting through her, it was worst nightmare coming to reality, and she wanted it to end."P-please don't hurt, I-I don't want to die, p-p-please...." Deku looked at them confused “hurt? No, no I won’t hurt you. It’s just, is this a power of yours? What are you? “he had so many questions popping in his head he didn’t realize he started mumbling. Spry needed to leave, every moment spent in this, was a minute off her own life. "I d-don't have any powers.." She lowered her head to look at the ground, she bears herself to look at what will be the end of her life. Deku came back to it “wait what no powers?” He felt bad that he just left her in the glass trap he made and then went on one of his famous thought trains. “I’m going to let you out so we can talk better, feel a little bad that you’re trapped.” He lifts up the glass so that she wasn’t trapped anymore and hoping she will be a little less scared to talk to him.

Spry watched the bean raise the glass that kept her prisoner. She looked around, she could off if she wanted, this would be her only chance to do so but.. she knew wouldn't get far. Spry gave in and sat down hugging her knees close to her chest. Deku pulled out the chair and sat with her. He clears his Throat “let’s try this again hi my name is Deku and I’m going to be the next number one hero. What’s your name” he said with a big smile. Spry looked around, holding her arms. She never had the chance to look or even notice before, but they were a lot of small statues of the same muscly guy with rabbit ears just on this one desk. She backpedaled by instinct out of fear. "I-I'm.. I'm Spry."

“Nice to meet you spry.” He leans back in his chair “now you said this size not a superpower, if you’re not here spying are you a villain?” Spry looked at the bean with a very confused look "Villain? I live here.." At this point she found no way of getting out this situation. All she had to go along with, maybe he would let her go. “Live here? Since when I never seen you at this school. Speaking of what even are you, no one this small and doesn’t have powers to make them smaller or bigger” He looked her up and down never seeing someone this small ever. Other then mountain girl who can change her size from normal to huge. Spry scratched the back of her neck, Oh dear this was gonna be a little hard to explain. Spry idly played with her goggles before clearing her throat. "I don't go to this school place, I just live here. In the walls.." She continued playing with her goggles and looking at the ground.

Deku was shocked that he never seen her not once since moving into the dorms.“In my walls, so you been the one I been hearing some nights and taking my food and stuff then.” She didn't really respond. This wasn't the first she'd been found out, and it wasn't the first a bean had been weirded out or even disgusted about the fact that essentially a "tiny human" was living in the walls of their secure home.

She also knew at this point, she probably would be kicked out, at risk of being exposed to others or outright killed, all of which don't sound pleasant.

"I can leave." She kept her eyes focused to the ground, of all the things that have changed throughout the many many years of quirks coming to be, there were two things that stayed the same; The world was still not fit for borrowers, and they were still not wanted.

Deku got up and made his way to the door opening it to make sure one of his classmates wasn’t outside it listening. He closed the door and went back to where Spry was “Spry you don’t have to leave you can stay...I just wished you asked before you took things tho. You messed up one of my favorite shirts. Also why won’t you look at me?”

Spry shook her head, the thought of was scary itself. "Beans are scary, mean. Every day we're at risk of being burned, crushed, drowned, shocked, everything." Her eyes dragged themselves to meet Deku's face. All her alarms were really going off in her brain but despite that, she felt she at least needed to be polite.

"Sorry about your shirt.. I needed it." It was only to have clothes for herself, along with other things.

Deku crossed his arms face sad from what she said people did to them. "what you don't want to stay, you would be safe I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone. But if you don't want to I'm not going to force you."With that Deku went to his bed laid down and started reading his home made hero book to study. He really hope she will stay but he can’t hold her here, it wouldn’t be the right thing to do even if it kept her safe. He had to let he make that choice on here own.

She rose her head, looked to Deku then over to the door. There was so much danger just outside that one door alone, could she really psych herself up to do this? She looked back over to Deku reading in his book and stood up and walked to her backpack, pulling out a hook and latching it to the lamp on the desk. She put her backpack on and walked back hook and rope, pulling on it to make sure it was secure, before feeling hesitation.

".......Is it really ok for me to stay here?.."

When Deku heard her say if it was ok he had a huge smile behind his book. He fixed it so he wouldn’t scare here. “Yea I don’t mind at all I mean you will have the room mostly to your self with me doing school and hero training, but I would love for you to stay.” He did a friendly smile and was happy she decided to stay here.