#and they can learn how to communicate civilly with each other’’

[thepluralmaster]

Who would’ve thought that people’s fanfic ideas gave me inspiration to reflect on my own alterhuman bs

- Kogane Tsukioka ⚔️ (she / plural they)

[e1ectrostatic]

Tagged by @wayward-aeon :] 🤎

I'm answering these questions mostly through a "Luca" lens, but with some general stuff peppered in too.

My life on Tey/vat gets its spotlight here.

1. Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

Many. The main one that I'm open about is fictionkinity. Other categories I belong to that I'm public about are also more often than not tied to my fictionkinity somehow.

e.g. I consider myself "human but to the left" thanks to certain events of my canon.

2. What/who is/are your type(s)? (if you have any)

I have a few. On this blog, I talk mostly about being Luca Bal/sa.

3. Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift (if you've ever had a cameo shift)?

Yep, every so often. My most common shifts are between the two fictotypes I'm currently most in tune with.

I don't really experience cameo shifts, at least not often, so I'm not sure how well I could answer that. If it counts, I do sometimes spontaneously feel congruent with select official "AU" versions of myself, as well as with how I was portrayed in source (I'm canon divergent). Those may not be strange in the grand scheme of things, but they sure feel strange to me.

If you want a more detailed description of my Luca shifts, I wrote one here.

4. How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

It's simultaneously all-consuming and not enough.

Internally, it's so prevalent, and natural as breathing. I never have to think twice about my self-perception. There's a certain comfort to it. It's no longer shiny and new, it's just my life, and I couldn't be happier about that.

Outwardly, I think I water myself down too much. I have a bad habit of feeling apologetic, beating around the bush, or brushing things under the rug, even among supportive company.

This is partially out of caution. For all the attention its gotten lately, alterhumanity is still hardly understood. It's easy to be misinterpreted, or for my identity to be perceived as something that's not "serious". Sometimes I want to say outright, "This isn't something I'm 'doing', it's something I am. I'll be this for the rest of my life. Treat me as such."

Another part of it is wanting privacy. I'm very reserved, and my fictionkinity, for all its prevalence, is still tied to a lot of very personal stuff. It's easier to dance around the topic and play things off as a joke than it is to allude to having baggage, even if the latter is essential to knowing me.

Basically, I express it constantly and unabashedly both internally, and externally with my boyfriend. I'd like to work on it in other areas, in theory.

5. What do you think of the community?

It's so vast, and diverse. It's great to see so many different experiences being shared.

It does have its issues, as does any community. I think many in the alterhuman community, for all its diversity, ironically need to be more mindful of experiences outside of their perspective. Sometimes the language I see used by some reveals a blind spot in their perspective, or a bias, or that they've forgotten the existence of a certain demographic. I'm not immune to this, either. I hope we can continue civilly learning from each other to make the community a more welcoming and accommodating place.

Something I appreciate is the overall tone of radical acceptance in the community. The 'come as you are' attitude is very welcoming. We do have a bit of a respectability politics issue, but I see a lot of pushback against it in the circles I frequent, which is great. The hand that holds the muzzle is not the hand that feeds. Bite 'til you reach bone!

6. What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

Just treat me like me, lol. Nothing feels better than being called Luca, or my kintype being referred to as me without second thought.

7. Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

With regard to being Luca, not really, since I'm human. I do miss the "to the left" aspect of my humanity, though. I should be able to play in outlets. Give it back.

8. What advice would you like to say to a young alterhuman who has just awakened?

You will be confused. You will come to contradictory conclusions. Don't scramble to fit yourself into neat little boxes — experience life first, and think about labels as you go along.

And on labels: they're optional. They're tools that are supposed to help you make sense of your experiences, not criteria you're obligated to meet to be "real". If you find none of them help, or that they change over time, or that you switch between using and not using labels, that's okay and allowed.

Oh yeah, and even if it's tempting, don't try and throw yourself or others under the bus to appear "normal" or "palatable". None of us are truly free to express ourselves until all of us are.

Live authentically, and stay curious and openminded! Both with yourself and others.

9. Do you have/want to have gears?

Sure, that sounds fun! I don't have anything I'd consider "gear" that's related to my identity as Luca, but I'd like to.

In general, all I really have are materials. I have the means to make a yarn tail, but have yet to start it.

10. Do you know/have any theories about the origin of your alterhumanity? If so, tell us! (all beliefs are legitimate)

Nothing concrete, but I do believe my origins are a mix of metaphysical, psychological, and something else entirely. I don't subscribe strongly to the dichotomy, as doing so doesn't serve me.

If you want to learn more...

Here's a link to a post where I go into detail about the spiritual aspects of my fictionkinity.

Here's a link to a post where I go into detail about the psychological aspects of my fictionkinity.

11. Tag someone/a creature to answer these questions!ㅤᵕ̈

...I think anyone I would have felt confident enough to tag has already been tagged BAHAHA

I don't think I know any mutuals well enough to gauge whether being tagged in this kind of thing would bother them, but any who see this, please do feel free to do this :]

And I mean, any who see this in general, feel free! I'm hungry!

If you are a alterhuman, reblog and answer these questions!

(don't be afraid to write a lot, do what you want ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯)

1/ Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

2/ What/who is/are your type(s)? (if you have any)

3/ Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift (if you've ever had a cameo shift)?

4/ How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

5/ What do you think of the community?

6/ What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

7/ Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

8/ What advice would you like to say to a young alterhuman who has just awakened?

9/ Do you have/want to have gears?

10/ Do you know/have any theories about the origin of your alterhumanity? If so, tell us! (all beliefs are legitimate)

11/ Tag someone/a creature to answer these questions!ㅤᵕ̈

[my-bated-breath]

Research Shows that Zutara Would Have Been the Ideal Friends to Lovers Dynamic

(featured below: a very self-indulgent Zutara post that uses Facts and Evidence to be self-indulgent)

When I joined the ATLA fandom, a common trend I've seen used to discredit Zutara was the belief that upon transitioning from a platonic relationship to a romantic one, Zuko and Katara would immediately become The Worst (TM) for each other. It's quite the stretch, and the Zutara fandom nearly unanimously recognizes that. Still, since the attacks have yet to cease even 15 years after the show’s first release, I'd like to add my two-cents on the subject, along with a reference to actual research that is much harder to dismiss.

The reason why Zutara is framed as a “toxic and unhealthy” relationship is that their romance would be a classic example of the enemies-to-lovers trope, a trope which modern media has not been particularly kind to. However, when executed correctly, enemies-to-lovers can produce a healthy and loving relationship, frequently relying on friendship as an intermediate between the “enemy” and “lover” stages in the most well-executed versions of this trope. Meanwhile, the trope of friends-to-lovers is just as popular as enemies-to-lovers, though the specific dynamic required between two individuals to achieve this transition is not well-known. Recognizing this, Laura K. Guerrero and Paul A. Mongeau, both of whom are involved in relationship-related research as professors at Arizona State University, wrote a research paper on how friendships may transition into romantic relationships.

While “On Becoming ‘More Than Friends: The Transition From Friendship to Romantic Relationship” covers a variety of aspects regarding how friends may approach a budding romantic relationship, this meta will focus on the section titled “The Trajectory from Platonic Friendship to Romantic Relationship,” which describes stages of intimacy that are in common between platonic and romantic relationships.

(I am only using this one source for my meta because as much as I love research and argumentative writing, I can only give myself so much more school work before I break. If you wish to see more sources that corroborate the argument from above, refer to the end of this meta at the “Works Cited.”)

According to Guerrero and Mongeau, “...scholars have argued that intimacy is located in different types of interactions, ranging from sexual activity and physical contact to warm, cozy interactions that can occur between friends, family members, and lovers…” Guerrero and Mongeau then reference a relationship model where the initial stages (i.e. perceiving similarities, achieving rapport, and inducing self-disclosure) reflect platonic/romantic intimacy through communication while the latter stages (i.e. role-taking, achieving interpersonal role fit, and achieving dyadic crystallization) often see both individuals as achieving a higher level of intimacy that involves more self-awareness.

Definitions, because some terminology in this quote is field-specific:

_____

Perception of similarity: (similar in background, values, etc.) which contributes to pair rapport

Pair rapport: produces positive emotional and behavioral responses to the partner, promotes effective communication and instills feelings of self-validation

Self-disclosure: a process of communication by which one person reveals information about themselves to another. The information can be descriptive or evaluative and can include thoughts, feelings, aspirations, goals, failures, successes, fears, and dreams, as well as one's likes, dislikes, and favorites.

Role-taking: ability to understand the partner's perspective and empathize with his/her role in the interaction and the relationship

Role-fit: partners assess the extent of their similarities in personality, needs, and roles

Dyadic crystallization: partners become increasingly involved with each other and committed to the relationship and they form an identity as a committed couple

_____

(Source: Quizlet -- not the most reliable source, I know, but once again field-specific terms tend to be ubiquitous in their definitions, and I doubt that this Quizlet can be that inaccurate)

(Additional note: only the first three definitions will be relevant to this meta, but the other definitions are left in for all of you who want to speculate what the next part of this meta, which may or may not be published the following week, will be about.)

Let’s apply what we just learned back to the real Zuko-Katara relationship we see throughout the show. What attributes of healthy and natural friends-to-lovers dynamics may they check off?

Perceiving similarities:

Zuko and Katara share an astounding number of parallels in background and character throughout the show. Both their mothers had sacrificed their lives to save them, and then there are many deliberate parallels drawn between Zuko and Katara’s confrontations in the Day of Black Sun and The Southern Raiders, respectively. Of course, there are more, but since I do not have much to add to this subject, I’ll say that perceiving these similarities helps contribute to…

Pair rapport:

We see three standout examples of this from the show in which Zuko and Katara “make positive emotional and behavioral responses” towards each other: In the Crossroads of Destiny, the Southern Raiders, and Sozin's Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters.

(1) Crossroads of Destiny. Zuko and Katara bond over the loss of their mothers in the Crystal Catacombs, allowing themselves to truly see the other for the first time as well as for them to speak civilly and intimately (is this self-disclosure I see?) with each other. Of course, their conversation (on-screen or off-screen) is meaningful enough for Katara to offer to use the Spirit Oasis water to heal Zuko’s scar.

(2) The Southern Raiders. The journey Zuko and Katara take for her to achieve closure (which is something Zuko himself knew was necessary to heal and grow) is the catalyst for Katara forgiving Zuko. Though there is no true “rapport” in the scene where Katara forgives him, all other banter/conversations (in the Ember Island Players and the ATLA finale) between Katara and Zuko are reliant on the moment she forgives him.

(3) Sozin's Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters. In the finale, Zuko experiences a moment of uncertainty before just before he faces his uncle -- his uncle who had always been there for him since the days of his banishment, his uncle had loved him unconditionally even when Zuko did not know that such love was possible, his uncle who loved him like his own son, his uncle who he betrayed in the Crystal Catacombs, his uncle who turned away when he was encased in crystal, too disappointed to look him in the eye. He tells this to Katara -- and what does Katara say to Zuko in response?

“Then he'll forgive you. He will.”

The dialogue speaks for itself. The positive emotional response, the open communication, and the (rightful) encouragement Katara provides, all without invalidating Zuko’s self-doubt, demonstrates the epitome of pair rapport. Further elaboration would simply be me gushing over their dynamic.

Self-disclosure:

Self-disclosure involves revealing intimate feelings. We’re revisiting the same three episodes that we covered up above since they all include self-disclosure.

(1) The Crossroads of Destiny. When he reaches out in the Crystal Catacombs, Zuko reveals something to Katara that he has never told anyone before, perhaps something he didn’t even want to admit to himself -- in response to “the Fire Nation took my mother away from me” he says “that's something we have in common.” And to say that out loud, to say it to himself and Katara when for three whole years he’s been trying to convince himself that the Fire Nation is good and that his father loves him -- there are no words to describe it. It’s both awe-inspiring and heartbreaking to see that Zuko and Katara’s shared pain is what allowed them to see each other as more than the “face of the enemy,” and it’s something so poignant that it forms an immediately profound connection between the two.

(2) The Southern Raiders. On their way to the Fire Nation communications tower on Whale Tail Island, Katara tells the story of her mother’s death, a story that has haunted her memories for years, looming over her as a ghost, a wound that festers into fear to grief to anger. This was the moment that divided Katara’s life into the Before and the After, the one that forced her to abandon childhood and to become a mother to her own brother (as implied by Sokka in his conversation with Toph in the Runaway). And yet this is the first time we see her tell someone her story in the show, full and vivid as if it happened yesterday. Because even though she mentioned her mother before to Aang, Haru, and Jet in order to sympathize with them -- it’s just that. Sympathizing. This time she tells Zuko about her mother’s death for her own sake rather than for another’s. And it’s an incredibly intimate moment, one that is made even more fragile, wrenching, and beautiful by Zuko’s response -- “Your mother was a brave woman.”

(3) Sozin's Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters. Throughout the second half of season 3, Zuko shares his love and insecurities regarding Iroh to every member of the GAang.

In the Firebending Masters, he mentions to Aang offhandedly -- and perhaps too offhandedly, as if he didn’t want to believe it himself -- that Iroh, Dragon of the West, received his honorary title for killing the last dragon.

An episode later in part one of the Boiling Rock, Zuko talks about his uncle with near constancy. He brews tea for the GAang and (endearingly) tries retelling “Uncle’s favorite tea joke.” He tells Sokka, “Hey, hold on. Not everyone in my family is like that… I  meant my uncle. He was more of a father to me. And I really let him down.” He (fails at, adorably) giving advice to Sokka when the rescue mission to the Boiling Rock has begun to look helpless, asking himself “what would Uncle say?” before completely floundering away.

Then, in the Ember Island Players, he shares a sweet moment with Toph, bitterly spitting out that

“...for me, [the play] takes all the mistakes I've made in my life, and shoves them back in my face. My uncle, he's always been on my side, even when things were bad. He was there for me, he taught me so much, and how do I repay him? With a knife in his back. It's my greatest regret, and I may never get to redeem myself.”

Toph, in turn, reveals the thoughtful side to her character, the side that is almost always hidden, telling Zuko that “you have redeemed yourself to your uncle. You don't realize it, but you already have.”

And every one of these moments matter, because we see Zuko’s inner conflict (though this inner conflict does not exist to the extent at which it did at the first half of season 3) and its evolution. First, with Aang, he remains skeptical and disillusioned. Second, with Sokka, his longing for Iroh’s love and presence manifests itself in him imitating his uncle as well as he can. Third, with Toph, he finally admits everything he had been afraid of ever since he saw Iroh’s empty prison cell during the eclipse -- that Iroh is disappointed in him. That Iroh hates him. That Iroh will never accept him again.

And for a moment, with Toph’s encouraging response and Zuko’s resulting little smile, it appears as though Zuko’s internal conflict arc is concluded. But we are wrong -- because in the finale of the show, we are given the true climax and resolution to Zuko’s insecurities, fears, and self-loathing. And who is it that he shares this moment with?

It speaks volumes about Zuko and Katara’s relationship that Katara is the one to comfort Zuko in this scene, in that last moment of hesitation right before he steps inside his uncle’s tent, preparing himself to see his uncle as a completely changed person. As a person who now knows humility and unconditional love. And remember -- selecting Katara to be in this scene is a deliberate narrative choice because ATLA was written by a team of producers and writers, and perhaps even if it wasn’t, it becomes a powerful moment in which Zuko’s arc with Iroh reaches its peak.

Simply having Katara there in this scene already has such a great narrative impact, but then the show gives us some of the most intimate dialogue that Zuko, a naturally closed-off person, delivers (although his emotional outbursts may suggest otherwise, Zuko tends to hide most of his internally conflicting feelings to himself. Hence, he is always able to dramatically monologue about his honor, his country, and his throne -- because he’s trying to convince himself to play a part. But that’s another meta for another day).

Let’s begin by comparing Toph and Zuko’s dialogue with Katara and Zuko’s dialogue because both see the other party validating Zuko’s feelings.

(Warning: the following section plunges deep into the realm of speculation and overanalyzing dialogue. Regarding literature or any media, there are countless ways to interpret the source material, and this is simply one way it could be done.)

_____

Ember Island Players Dialogue:

Toph: Geez, everyone's getting so upset about their characters. Even you seem more down than usual, and that's saying something!

Zuko: You don't get it, it's different for you. You get a muscly version of yourself, taking down ten bad guys at once, and making sassy remarks.

Toph: Yeah, that's pretty great!

Zuko: But for me, it takes all the mistakes I've made in my life, and shoves them back in my face. My uncle, he's always been on my side, even when things were bad. He was there for me, he taught me so much, and how do I repay him? With a knife in his back. It's my greatest regret, and I may never get to redeem myself.

_____

Although Toph and Zuko’s dynamic is one of the most innocent and understanding throughout the show, the conversation begins with Toph joking with a negative connotation -- that “even [Zuko seemed] more down than usual, and that’s saying something!” Thus, the conversation opener is not one that allows for Zuko to easily be emotionally vulnerable, and so he responds bitterly and angrily -- “You don’t get it, it’s different for you” and “...and how do I repay him? With a knife in his back.” By stating that their portrayals in the shows were different, Zuko mentally places a wall between himself and Toph, saying that “[Toph doesn’t] get it.” Then, the rhetorical question Zuko asks himself and the shortness with which he answers the question showcases a forceful and biting tone, indicating that he is covering up his inner turmoil with vehemence. This tendency is something we’ve seen Zuko default to before, whenever he had shouted the oft-mocked “I must restore my honor!” lines in response to a few introspective questions Iroh had asked (though once again, that’s another meta for another day). Now, let’s examine the remainder of their conversation.

_____

Ember Island Players Dialogue Continued:

Toph: You have redeemed yourself to your uncle. You don't realize it, but you already have.

Zuko: How do you know?

Toph: Because I once had a long conversation with the guy, and all he would talk about was you.

Zuko: Really?

Toph: Yeah, and it was kind of annoying.

Zuko: Oh, sorry.

_____

Here we see Toph and Zuko’s conversation take a more serious turn as Toph becomes more sincere. Zuko, however, is still full of self-doubt as he is constantly questioning Toph with “how do you know?” and “really” and “oh, sorry.”

(featured up above: Zuko looking dejected and doubtful.)

Still, the conversation ends on a sweet and inspiring note:

_____

Ember Island Players Dialogue Continued:

Toph: But it was also very sweet. All your uncle wanted was for you to find your own path, and see the light. Now you're here with us. He'd be proud.

_____

Hence, though Zuko and Toph’s conversation displays a heartening and hopeful dynamic, Zuko is ultimately still guarded for the majority of their conversation. Now, let’s look at how Katara approaches Zuko in the Sozin’s Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters.

_____

Sozin’s Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters Dialogue:

Katara: Are you okay?

Zuko: No, I'm not okay. My uncle hates me, I know it. He loved and supported me in every way he could, and I still turned against him. How can I even face him?

Katara: Zuko, you're sorry for what you did, right?

Zuko: More sorry than I've been about anything in my entire life.

_____

In direct contrast to the conversation opener with Toph, Katara begins to engage Zuko with an openly concerned question. And even though Katara never disappointed an Iroh-figure in her life in the way Zuko has, Zuko immediately doesn’t close himself off from her, he doesn’t create a wall that prevents him from revealing his deepest fears to her. During this scene, he neither sounds bitter or angry -- he sounds lost, doubtful, and afraid (perhaps even afraid to hope). This shift in tone is blatant in his voice (thanks to Dante Basco’s line delivery) but even with nothing but the written dialogue, we can note the difference in which he describes his turmoil to Toph and as compared to Katara:

With Toph: “But for me, it takes all the mistakes I've made in my life, and shoves them back in my face. My uncle, he's always been on my side, even when things were bad. He was there for me, he taught me so much, and how do I repay him? With a knife in his back. It's my greatest regret, and I may never get to redeem myself.”

With Katara: “No, I'm not okay. My uncle hates me, I know it. He loved and supported me in every way he could, and I still turned against him. How can I even face him?”

With Katara, the underlying bitterness from his conversation with Toph is toned down to the point of nonexistence, though a part of it is still there. With Toph, Zuko says, “it takes all the mistakes I’ve made in my life, and shoves them back in my face,” which is a rather incensed statement. Meanwhile, by saying, “no, I'm not okay. My uncle hates me, I know it,” Zuko directly addresses his self-loathing without the use of language such as “shoves them back in my face,” the latter of which is reminiscent of how individuals may unthinkingly reveal information in a sudden emotional outburst.

Then, when Katara asks him if he’s sorry for what he did, the words come easily to Zuko, the most easily he admits to his own mistakes after three years of not admitting anything truthful to himself: “More sorry than I've been about anything in my entire life.”

And Katara, just as Toph did, says with the utmost confidence and sincerity, “Then he'll forgive you. He will.”

This moment of affirmation that runs parallel between both dialogues is where Zuko’s responses begin to diverge. Whereas Zuko reacts to Toph with disbelief and doubt, this is how he reacts once he hears Katara’s words:

He takes Katara’s words to heart and accepts them. Because out of all the GAang, Katara is the one who knows the most about forgiving him, who most keenly feels the change he underwent since his betrayal in the catacombs. And so he stands, still nervous but no longer afraid, facing forward towards the future instead of back into his past.

Iroh and Zuko’s relationship is one of the most important ones throughout the entire show, so to see Katara play a pivotal role in a critical point in their dynamic shows just how important Katara’s character is to Zuko (and vice versa, though in here I do touch upon the former in more detail).

Although my analysis on the self-disclosure between Zuko and Katara may have run away from me a bit (due to my love for far-too-in-depth critical analysis), these all show an undeniable bond between Zuko and Katara, displaying a profound friendship rooted in narrative parallels, mutual understanding, and interwoven character arcs. Ultimately, their fulfillment of perceived similarities, pair rapport, and (the one I rambled most on) self-disclosure is what establishes Zuko and Katara as not just a strong platonic bond -- but one that has the potential to transition into a romantic one.

Thus concludes my essay on Zutara’s friendship and its connection with the initial stages of intimacy that are shared between both platonic and romantic bonds. After all that analysis, it would be remiss to simply dismiss the Zutara dynamic as one that would instantly become toxic should they pursue a romantic relationship.

That being said, I will explore the possibility of a romantic relationship between Zuko and Katara and how this connects to the latter stages of intimacy -- role-taking, interpersonal role fit, and dyadic crystallization -- in part 2 of this meta-analysis. Click on the link if you want to read it!

Part 2

Works Cited

(only partially in MLA 8 format because I want to live a little)

Close Relationships: A Sourcebook. By Clyde A. Hendrick & Susan S. Hendrick. Link

“Nonverbal behavior in intimate interactions and intimate relationships.” By P.A Andersen, Laura K. Guerrero, & Susanne M. Jones. Link

“On Becoming ‘More Than Friends’: The Transition From Friendship to Romantic Relationship.” By Laura K. Guerrero & Paul A. Mongeau. Link

The Psychology of Intimacy (The Guilford Series on Personal Relationships). By Karen J. Prager. Link

(If you check some of these links, you may note a few of these sources have been cited quite a few times. With just a bit more research, it appears possible to find a plethora of other sources to corroborate the theory of shared platonic-romantic intimacies.)

Thank you all for reading!

[serpentstole]

So I had been resisting saying anything for the better part of a week or so now because I don’t identify as a Hellenic Pagan or anything along those lines despite my religious practices recently expanding to include some Theoi. During this entire meandering discourse of “why worship Dionysus if you’re asexual/not a very sexual person/don’t drink/don’t like drunkenness” I have left the engaging to far more prolific and patient blogs full of well read and equally well spoken devotees.

However, the fact that it’s still going on makes me want to chime in with my own two cents. I’m going to break it down into point form because a lot of the people stirring the pot seem to struggle deeply with reading comprehension.

- That you would come into someone’s space and tell them who or how they should worship when it comes to the Theoi is presumptuous and offensive, and you should stop.

- That you would push overly sexual themes or imagery onto anyone, regardless of if they’re asexual, sex repulsed, or a literal minor (yikes folks) is disgusting and immortal. They have not consented to your horny bullshit, and it’s sexual harassment. It just happens to be especially egregious with the aforementioned groups. Please log off and remember how to engage socially.

- That you would reduce a deity whose aspects/domains/mythology/traditions are so varied and vast as Dionysus down to two ideas that even then you barely seem to understand the context or layers of is downright disrespectful, especially if you would claim to be a devotee/follower/worshiper of him or any other deity. That you would have that shallow an understanding of a deity and then try to lecture other people on how to approach him is actually heinous.

Usually I try to voice complaints I have about the community or a trend or a specific action a bit more civilly and constructively, but that’s clearly failed given how many others have tried. Which isn’t to say that I expect anyone to learn from this post either, but I hope those of us who are suffering through this debacle can find some comfort in each others’ anger and indignation.

[thesimplyluxuriouslife]

307: How to Step into your Fullest True Self — The Way of Integrity, as taught by Martha Beck

"Your life will tell you the truth." —Martha Beck, author of The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self

Divided. Compartmentalized. Unable to give what is needed, not by choice, but by pure, sincere inability due to time and energy.

Martha Beck explains in her new book, The Way of Integrity, the word integrity originates from the Latin integer meaning "in tact" and therefore cementing the definition of integrity as "to be one thing, whole and undivided".

When we are not living a life of integrity, we are not being true to ourselves, nor the world. Now you might be thinking about the general and more commonly known definition of integrity - living by your 'values' or abiding by the morals society applauds of, but that is not what Beck writes about in her book. Instead, Beck looks at the true meaning of the word and applies it to each of us individually - a life of integrity is a one when you have aligned your body, mind, heart and soul - your actions, your mental strength, your true self - you set yourself free. In the introduction she uses a phrase commonly known on this blog/podcast - you achieve a sustainable joie de vivre. "You may not believe that such a fulfilling life is possible. It is," Beck states with calm, assured confidence and goes on throughout the rest of the book, speaking from her own incredibly challenging and terrifying and finally liberating life journey, indeed what she shares is true.

"No matter how far you think you've strayed from your true path, the moment you say I'm going to trust myself, I'm going to follow my truth, the healing begins."

Beck's book crossed my path just after I had officially and publicly announced a resolve to live my own life of integrity as I had turned in my resignation papers concluding a 20-year career in teaching public education at the secondary level. I arrived at my decision after more than a few years of hemming and hawing about such a choice being necessary for me to live fully in alignment with what I knew to be true in my heart of hearts, and as I shared in my May episode of the video series A Cuppa Moments (learn more about becoming a TOP Tier subscriber and discover more intimately why I made this decision here), it wasn't about running away, it was about running toward something I loved even more.

Another way of looking at the way of integrity is much like putting together a puzzle. It can be especially hard to rationalize why we should leave something when on paper and to onlookers everything hums along beautifully, but if the puzzle doesn't allow your nature to be nurtured, as Beck describes, when you are "rushing to conform . . . often ignoring or overruling [y]our genuine feelings—even intense one, like longing or anguish—to please your culture . . . you've divided yourself. [You] aren't in integrity (one thing) but in duplicity (two things)." In other words, the puzzle isn't your puzzle to be a part of. Having the courage to step away from something that works, even if we languish while others shine is not living a life of integrity.

"When you pursue a career that pulls you away from your true self, your talent and enthusiasm will quit on you like a bored intern."

The question we each need to ask ourselves is "Does the culture nurture your nature?" Pause for a second before answering because I would have answered yes a couple of years ago, but upon reflection, with more truths revealed, and after reading her book, my answer whilst trying to teach and write, is most certainly no.

How do you know if you are out of your integrity?

1."Your life goes pear-shaped"

Beck reveals how our inability to communicate civilly, snapping at people we love, letting ourselves be distracted regularly by rabbit holes on the internet, and on the health side - your "immune system and muscles becomes weaken . . . emotionally feeling grumpy, sad or numb." Focus and clarity — difficult to maintained, sickness is more frequent and energy is depleted. All of these 'symptons' are red flags your life is out of integrity.

Let's end this point on some good news: "Integrity is the cure to unhappiness. Period."

2. Living a life governed by the 'should's and 'supposed to' expectations

Living simply luxuriously, at its core is built upon questioning society, putting into practice critical thinking skills and thereby thinking well. When we think well, removing our biases and acknowledging the short-sightedness as well as true motivations of the culture we live in, we can think clearly and free ourselves from the pressures and guilt placed upon us to live a certain way. Even if 'your way' seems simple compared to significant societal differences such as announcing you are an atheist in a family full of devout believers of any one religious institutional faith, acknowledging your truth regarding your gender even if your family or friends cannot understand your truth, or standing up for a political issue which forces your family to confront their own long-held unconscious biases. Your way of integrity needs to be honored to set yourself free.

Beck writes in detail about her own breaking free from the 'should's when she speaks about her stepping away from Mormonism (receiving death threats for doing so), sharing with the world and her husband that she is gay, and choosing to keep her child who she knew to have Downs Syndrome (even though at the time, people she respected urged her to not to). In great emotional, yet step-by-step detail, she shares how she made it to the other side and because each decision was her truth, she set herself free. She stopped living the life she was 'supposed to' and stepped courageously into a life of integrity.

3. Emotional Struggles

"Whenever you lose your integrity, you'll feel your own unique brew of bad moods, depending on your personality . . . anxiety and depression [or] . . . free-floating hostility, itching to punch everyone in your office, familiy, zip code [or] . . . full-on panic attacks, especially during special occasions."

For me, leaving teaching felt culturally 'wrong'. What I mean by that is, teaching and being a teacher is held in high regard, as, in my bias, yet as much as it is to not be biased mind, it should be. So leaving a profession which society holds in esteem felt to already be making the 'wrong' decision. However, as Beck calls them, my 'wild beasts' of bad moods would arise in the weirdest of times. I knew something was not in alignment, but nearly all of my acquaintances, friends and even my mother, were or are teachers. So how do you have a conversation with them about leaving a profession they are already in and most sincerely love and have found their calling? In my case, you keep teaching.

4. Bad habits — can't break them

The bad habits could be an onslaught of a variety of behaviors ranging from less harmful to incredibly life destructive, but anything which does not constructively add to your life and the quality of your days is a bad habit. Whether financial expenditures, drinking or eating habits, relationship failure after failure because you refuse to have the ability to either see or change what needs to be addressed, such habits stay with us becase "when [you're] feeling fundamentally lost, afflicted by purposelessness, foul moods, and bad jobs, anything that stimulates the brain's pleasure centers can become an addiction."

I can thankfully say, I had a positive outlet for my lack of finding purpose in teaching: blogging which turned into podcasting, which turned into cooking, which became my pleasure and purpose and I am incredibly grateful I honored my curiosity to explore what this 'blogging thing' was all about way back in 2009. I don't think we all have to have horrible habits so much so it becomes painfully obvious to outsiders we are not on the right life path for true integrity, but what I appreciate about Beck's book is bringing to our attention habits which if we are being honest with ourselves, aren't helpful to living a life we sincerely love living, but we keep engaging in said habit because we need the pleasure, we need something to 'feel' good because so much doesn't and we don't know or don't have the courage yet to step off the path that isn't ours to walk upon.

How to return or begin to live a life of integrity?

1.Stop lying

"Here's the rub: if you stop lying, you'll eventually, inevitably violate the rules of a culture that matters to you."

Stop lying when responding casually to the question, "How are you doing?" Be comfortable with expressing your exuberance about the day or exhaustion. The passive, default way of living is not living and it's not the way of integrity. How we connect with others, truly connect, is to be honest. I find that our culture is more comfortable with complaining even though America strives to be happy at all times. It is as though we must not be 'too happy' lest someone either question what makes us happy or want our happiness, when the truth is, there is not a limited supply. However, most Americans are too exhausted to want to figure out their own unique way to happiness. Again, this is a push-back on culture, not the people living within the culture. Admittedly, yes, a culture is made up by people, but when we recognize we are complicit in any culture which doesn't wish for its people to find peace and contentment, we must question it. That is an exercise in critical thinking. And how we do that is by finding our own way of integrity and living it.

2. Knuckle down for the first step of changing your life - it will be hard

Be prepared, the first step, the first shift you make will be the most difficult and will feel impossible on your way to fully being your true self. But the good news is, it is 'steepest at the start'.

And in even better news, because you are stepping into your integrity, let that energy be your fuel. Just as it did for Dante (Beck's entire book parallels the journey of Dante through the levels of Hell in Dante's Inferno, Part I of The Divine Comedy) who because he wanted to be set free "so damn much" used that "intense wanting" to "propel him forward over terrain he doesn't believe he can cover."

3. Acknowledging and walking away from 'bad or disordered' love

"'Bad' or 'disordered' love emerges when people are well-meaning but mistaken—for example, when we feel loyal to people and ideas that don't match our inner truth."

So many of Beck's anecdotes are specific and clearly teach what she is introducing to readers. On this point she shares, "You might stop laughing at your coworker's crude jokes. You may come out as gay or trans. You may start posting things on social media that shock your loved ones. You may turn into some version of Rosa Parks, refusing to give up her bus seat to a white person." In sharing these examples, she reveals how quickly our lives will change when we step away from 'bad' love. And it happens quickly because while you've known for quite some time your truth, you haven't shared it with those who you've let keep 'loving' you in a way that serves their needs, but neglects yours.

4. Be prepared to contemplate returning to old ways (even if they weren't true to you)

Prior to deciding to leave teaching, I chose to regularly see my counselor, and I am grateful I did. On this point, she reminded me, after always checking in with me about how I was feeling about my decision (once I had decided I would write my resignation letter) that there will be mourning for the 'old misery'. In other words, the life you know and are leaving, you will at times - whether in your dreams or in different states where you are emotionally weak or exhausted (these times especially were when my doubts would arise) - seriously doubt the decision you are about to make. What is happening is natural, and it does subside in time as I can share now after having felt those moments of mourning for the known misery. "Studies in psychoneuroimmunology show that if we plunge too quickly into any major change, even a good one, our bodies and minds can't absorb the shock. We must give our psycholoigcal and physiological systems time to adjust."

How we give ourselves this time is where the phrase "mourning the known misery" comes from. And it is knowing that such a temporary state exists that we are able to better navigate through this time and into a life in which we are fully embracing our true nature. A few words from Beck on this subject,

"If you start honoring your true nature and find yourself missing your old culture, don't panic. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself time and space to grieve. Confide in loved ones. If they don't understand, find a coach or therapist. But don't think that missing your old life means you should go back to it."

5. A life transformed for the better

"Whatever you do to heal the world, it will replace [bad health, habits, moods, etc. - what Beck refers to as 'dark wood of error symptoms'] with purpose, happiness, vitality, love, abundance, and fascination that specifically match your true nature."

Perhaps this all sounds too good to be true, but simply the fact that you are thinking that is the hope you have unconsciously, that you hope it can be true. That it can be possible.

Benefits of finding your way to integrity and living it daily

1. A life full of "meaning, enchantment and fascination"

The world needs what you uniquely can give to it. When we each find the courage to honor our nature especially when the culture doesn't nurture it, we step forward toward a life full of meaning and we as well become uplifted and enthralled with the awesome life we have the good fortune to live.

Beck points out that thankfully, 'nature doesn't give up without a fight', so if you are doubting that it is too late, that you've waited too long, no it's not and no you haven't. The mere fact that you are still contemplating, wishing, hoping, wondering is nature's strength of hanging on until you finally take action to courageously find your way of integrity.

2. Breath-taking moments are experienced beyond what the culture tells you is possible

"Obviously, no one will have taught you how to navigate such wonders. No worries. You'll learn fast. You were born for it."

If happiness, and based on having read this book, I think more deeply it fits the definition of contentment, if contentment is something you could buy in the store and be promised a life of awe, wonder, peace, would you buy it? What if I told you it was free? I have a feeling some would question it must be too good to be true, but that is our conditioning when it comes to believing in how possible living well is. We have been conditioned to believe happiness can only be pursued, not attained, AND that only so many people are capable of attaining it so we must hurry up and chase it down, ignoring the present and constantly live in the future. But that is errant thinking.

The ability to attain contentment for free is possible because it exists within us each already. Our true nature, our true selves, has always been with us. We now just need to let it speak. In other words, let ourselves speak honestly, truthfully, and the world begins to change for the better. Not only for each one of us who courageously takes this step, but for all of us, as we begin to see who each of us actually is, how diverse and awesome we actually are and how to think well without unconscious manipulation.

3. A stronger you both physically and emotionally

As you begin to step off the wrong path and onto your way of integrity, there will be push-back, but wonderfully, you will be more capable than you might have ever imagined because, "Even if the people around [you] raise merry hell, [you] find yourself coping—more than that, thriving—more easily than [you'd] imagined."

4. A more peaceful you

The truth about feeling drained, emotionally exhausted is not necessarily the environment's fault, but rather that we shouldn't be in that environment. We are needed some place else. Find that and find your peace.

5. A life of inner harmony

True contentment, as shared on TSLL many times previously, is capable of being experienced even during the most difficult of moments and heartbreaking days and events. Why? When you've found and know what inner harmony is, an alignment of your true self - body, mind, heart and soul - you tend to what you have control over and acknowledge what you don't. You are living a life of truth in your actions, words and thoughts, and you are strengthened knowing how to navigate forward well, modeling and, when applicable, and you are capable, nurturing those around you forward as well with kindness and compassion.

6. Find your people who 'get' you

"If you don't walk your true path, you don't find your true people."

Ah, while I have met so many amazing people during my years as a teacher whether the staff and colleagues I have been incredibly fortunate and privileged to work alongside, the many, many parents who's love and tireless efforts to raise children in a world that is ever-changing, and especially the awesome students who through their natural strengths and honed skills, learning from struggles and finding truths along the way, my connection has been professional as I kept, for the most part, my writing life compartmentalized from my teaching life.

Once I finally began talking about what I love about blogging, which was only this spring (except to one, maybe two people over the years), a burden on my shoulders was lifted and I felt free. Some don't understand what I am stepping fully into and our relationships, even though respectfully colleagial, have lessened, but to others, we've had even more honest conversations than we have ever had. And this is just the beginning.

"We simply can't chart a course to happiness by linking up with others who are as lost as we are. The path to true love—true anything—is the way of integrity."

In order to fully and deeply connect with others we must be our true selves - no holding back, no editing, no 'hoping they like us'. When we are our true selves, it doesn't matter if everyone gets us so long as we let ourselves be set free, and that is what draws others of similar understanding and those who can see our honest and raw expression and who appreciate such strength will be drawn to, and those are the people you want to connect with. Those are the people with whom healthy, loving relationships spring from.

7. Balance

Yes, balance is possible (although our culture would have us believe otherwise, believing it is a skill to master, being constantly thrown from side to side, stressor to next stressor - don't buy into this myth!). In The Divine Comedy, Virgil writes something that 'stuns Dante. All these 'sins' are actually based in love. Sloth, greed, gluttony, and lust are simply unbalanced relationships with rest, abundance, nourishment and sex. We can err by either compulsively indulging or rigidly repressing our natural relationship with these things. This lack of balance doesn't come when we allow union with our true nature, but when we split ourselves away from it. It's misguided thinking, not natural behavior, that causes us to stray from our innocence."

Our innocence is our true selves. Our true self is found and experienced when we step into the way of integrity. Bravely doing so, courageously striding, becoming ever more stronger and exhilarated with each step.

8. Fulfill your long-term heart's desires

For this last point in today's post/episode, I'll leave you with Beck's words as she reflects on her own life journey and teaches us one of the grandest benefits of finding your own way of integrity, embracing your true self:

"As this internal shift occurred, life seemed to deliver more and more of the things I'd longed for during my life. I began to imagine that the universe works like this: whenever we humans long for something, the Powers That Be immediately send it. But everything we've ordered is always delivered to our real home address: peace. This is why we struggle for things in a state of desperation, they don't come to us—nothing works when it's misaligned. But when we return to a state of peace, the things we've 'ordered' can finally reach us."

— Martha Beck, The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self (2021)

The way of integrity is a path through and with life that makes you excited simply to envision it for a moment. You may breathe a sigh of relief and a smile creeps upon your face spontaneously each time you dare to think what you imagine could be your real life. I have been so incredibly excited to share today's episode with you because while my last day of teaching doesn't occur for another two weeks, the announcement has been made, the reality has been put into place, and a peace not-yet-known-until-now is already being felt (yes, moments of mourning the known misery creep up, but they are fewer and fewer, and now I know immediately where they stem from and how to navigate respectfully through these feelings).

Living simply luxuriously doesn't just happen and it indeed takes time. When we learn the skills necessary for living a life of true contentment, we can then begin to build what will be unique to each of us. The foundation of a fulfilling, joy-filled life, is to realign yourself with your true self. To conclude with more sagacity from Martha Beck on making our way to integrity, "Not because this path is virtuous, but because it aligns you with reality, with truth. Your life will work for the same reason a well-built plane will fly. Not a reward for good behavior. Just physics." Logical and simultaneously honoring the full humanity of each and every one of us.

SHOP Martha Beck's book The Way of Integrity | Amazon | Bookshop.org

PETIT PLAISIR

~Lupin, on Netflix

~Learn more about this episode's Petit Plaisir on this specially dedicated post.

PART ONE, Trailer (season 1)

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PART ONE, Trailer (season 1)

https://youtu.be/53cCYOIOEQc

~The Simple Sophisticate, episode #307

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[butterfly-winx]

its probably the helia stan in me but id love to read an origin story! idk if youre planning one for all of them but i really like your worldbuilding so id read them! and i know others would too! 💞 (also that fairy sketch was beautiful and if youre planning on it id love to hear more about him 👀)

Aahh ugh, I don’t actually have a lot fleshed out for Cyanox, except that he is the Guardian of Prometia and neutral to a fault. And also unintentionally the reason for why/how Layla  gained the ability to modify Sirenix into Crystal Sirenix to adapt to cold and high pressure environments. 

I am far too disorganised to make one collection post for the backgrounds of all characters I messed with, so I guess, here goes nothing. *cracks knuckles* Buckle in for the ride! (content warning for death and lethal illnesses)

Helia was born on Lynphea in a middle sized settlement in the moderate-warm Eastern Forests of Lynphea. I talk about the zones, culture and dangers of Lynphea here, so I don’t want to repeat myself too much, but Helia’s village was much closer to the borders of the Death Zone the virus has claimed for itself than what would have been advisable. Back then, they thought  Viaj would exhaust the surrounding natural resources and its people would move on long before the spread of the virus would become a danger to them. Oh how wrong they were. All it took was the change of the wind one summer.

Helia had been only five and then some and the world was still too vivid in his eyes, lights filtering through leaves a spectacle every day he accompanied one of his caretakers on a simple errand. He was the one who found the earliest warning sign, a fungal growth on a long leaf of gras that was the manifestation of the plague befalling its plant hosts. Not quite comprehending what that meant in his young age, Helia struggled for a long time with guilt about the terror his discovery brought, wishing he would have never played in the prairie. Like that would have avoided anything.

The inhabitants of Viaj actually gained a head start through his discovery though that potentially spared other communities, however it couldn’t help theirs. They quarantined immediately, drew up a magic barrier to protect everyone from the airborne spores that carry the virus from plants to humans. But doing so they gave up hunting and gathering and were entirely reliant on the rations the other communities would send with the quarantine workers. Though even those trickled to a stop when the first person fell sick with the cough and the tell-tale black spots formed on their mucous membrane. People saw no use in wasting resources on people who were damned to die. The best they could do now was limit travel to the edge of the Eastern Forest and set more scientists on recalculating the projected spread of the virus.

Lynpheans practice a philosophy of “live and let die” not hanging onto things beyond their lifespan, so this was seen as neither cruel or unusual, but show me one person who is truly prepared to die such a horrific, slow death in order to upkeep the natural order. The people of Viaj didn’t want to die, and they certainly didn’t deserve to die. But people fell like flies, until about three months later only Helia, Naoqi, the last adult, and Tsilla, the very last baby born in midst of all that, were alive. Naoqi cared for Helia and the baby as best as he could and in doing so became a replacement parental figure in Helia’s eyes. He did everything he could to make the horrible experience slightly lighter to bear for the children, but when the magic barrier keeping the wind away fell, there was little he could have done to stave off the inevitable. 

Helia was left alone, with a not even five moth old baby and no way of feeding himself or the baby. With nothing else left, he braved the forest and looked for the quarantine workers who were no doubt overseeing the area, which marked the last time Helia ever walked in the forests of his home. The quarantine workers were more than surprised by the tenacious boy with a baby in his arms and finding out he was still alive after what they thought was final exhaustion has set in. 

The next thing after that that Helia actually remembers is waking up on Magics with Saladin greeting him, introducing himself as a distant relative. The truth was a lot more complicated than that. The quarantine workers have taken Helia to the nearest hospital to treat him for the effects of starvation, because miraculously, the disease had still not taken hold of him after five months of exposure. Hermetically locked in a wing of the hospital, he was the most prised and most dangerous person and study artefact on the whole planet. His comatose slumber was watched from behind plexi glas and every then available humoral test was run on him to find out why he of all people had proved to be immune. If he was immune at all.

Meanwhile Saladin arrived on planet as he heard the news of the demise of his hometown, of his family. Even back then he had not been the pride of the planet and his relationship with his family had been strained because of the wars he had chosen to be involved in. All of that didn’t matter the instant lives were on the line and Saladin wanted nothing more than one last exchange of letters he would never get to make everything alright again. No power in the world would ever grant him that, but having powerful friends in the right circles granted him something else. Information, that a young Viaj boy was still alive in the Epidemiology Research Centre. He may be the future, the solution to all of their problems with a  DNA hiding the secrets to immunity. Saladin immediately inquired, dug deeper demanding to see the boy, but the Council denied him visitation rights. He had to strike an underhanded deal with the co-leader of the research project under a false name to find out Helia wasn’t even awake, but held in a magically induced coma for observational purposes. The scientist talked on and on about the possibilities and what they would do after they go the genes needed but Saladin blew up at that point. How dare they treat this boy like an object, like his loss wouldn’t be felt by anyone, should one of the procedures go wrong. Like all his life could hold from now on was an ultimate sacrifice for the benefit of the many. He wouldn’t even be able to comprehend that if told. With Saladin blowing a fuse, the research centre blew up too and he fled the planet that night with an unconscious Helia in his arms. 

So what felt like a night of knocked-in-the-head-by-a-horse sleep to Helia was actually close to four weeks in real world time. He has no concrete memory of what Saladin saved him from, but enough peripheral perception of what transpired planetside to make sense of the ramifications. Technically, Helia’s DNA is public property of the Lynphea Council, and technically both him and Saladin have an arrest warrant hanging over their head for the destruction and property damage caused. If Helia were to ever set foot on Lynphea again (or even go to a country that has an extradition treaty with them) he would be taken back to the Research Centre to be dissected to the smallest molecules until he yielded answers. 

While Helia was able to grow up in Magics in relative safety, the virus was still wreaking damage on Lynphea. Saladin (and to a lesser extent Helia) made the incredibly difficult decision to reject the experimentation on Helia and thus deny the population of their home a potential treatment to an otherwise lethal infection. It is an incredibly heavy burden and no day passes that they don’t question the rightness of their choice.

Helia can certainly appreciate the moral conflict now, but as a child he was much more difficult to manage. The switch from a huge nurturing family to one primary carer to rely on was harsh on Helia, who was already traumatised and needing  love and affection. Saladin did the best he could, but running a school and otherwise being a Universe-wide known hero didn’t help. After they grew close on the tail end of Helia’s childhood, they explosively drew apart during his tweens, Helia not able or reluctant to understand the restrictions Saladin placed on his life.

First, he was unwilling to share as much about Lynphean culture and way of life as Helia wished to know, saying that he wouldn’t be able to apply it there on Magics anyway. The deeper reason for that is more likely buried in his resentment for Lynphea rejecting him as harshly as they did after he helped save the Universe from the Ancestresses, but Helia of course knew nothing of that. Then when he moved over to adapting to life on Magics “in the Magics” way, he begged to be taught magic for which he had developed a budding talent. Saladin refused again for related trauma reasons. He didn’t want Helia to wield a power that could potentially make him a weapon in someone else’s crusade. Being his only personal student would only paint a target on Helia’s back. 

Helia was having none of that, fiercely objecting to the treatment. He had his own trauma to deal with. Like death by illness. (People falling ill was a lasting trigger he has been continuously working to overcome, but the first time Saladin came home with a cough Helia immediately worked himself into a panic attack so severe he couldn’t stop vomiting and had to be taken into a hospital himself. ) He shouldn’t have to shoulder the repercussions of Saladin’s problems too! 

People who say old teens and their wilfulness are hard to deal with, haven’t met twelve year old Helia yet. To think he actually mellowed out by the time he hit Red Fountain. In any case, Helia and Saladin weren’t really speaking civilly with each other anymore by the time Helia met Krystal. (More on her side of things here) Krystal, ten and absolutely blind to seeing obstacles, offered Helia her books on basic witchcraft and with that the opportunity to take his magic learning into his own hands. After all, sorcery required a lot of detailed instruction, but witchcraft was available to any odd fool who could set up a passable reaction equation. It took half a year of trials and encouragement for his efforts to yield a result and for Krystal and Helia’s friendship to bloom. It took Saladin much longer than that to catch on to Helia’s secret tinkering. The old man should have suspected something to be up after their disagreements magically disappeared after Helia and Krystal met twice. The aftermath was ugly and lead to Helia and Krystal reluctantly parting ways. 

Helia was inconsolable an dedicated a large part of his life to making it as difficult for Saladin as possible. His grades dropped, his art got angry and choppy and he had to be escorted home by peace keepers for having snuck into places he shouldn’t have been in. Year fourteen and fifteen of Helia’s life have been by far the most difficult to deal with with no improvement in sight. Under pressure from his school and Saladin to choose a path for higher education after his year nine exams, Helia thought it would be most spiteful to chose...nothing. He would simply stop going to school at 15 years of age and just become whatever. Maybe a full-time artist or a busker. “Hah, that’ll show Saladin!”- he thought, but he severely miscalculated.

Saladin had often threatened with making Helia enrol in his school if he didn’t behave and Helia never though he would make good on his words until he was dropped off at the main entrance with all his bags like the other freshmen filtering in through the gates. Being the headmaster, Saladin allowed Helia some liberties, trying to demonstrate to him that he shouldn’t see this as a punishment, but as an opportunity to further his life. Cue Helia’s biggest pièce de resistance, showing just how much he didn’t think so. As mentioned a few asks ago, he was given the liberty to chose where he lived and which team he chose, but not like that goddamit! He took shameless advantage of the loose wording Saladin used and hopped between rooms and teams completely ignoring conventions. He was the bane of the school, found on the roof, in supply closets and in the middle of hallways. Teams feared him, because they knew if Helia was assigned to them they might as well have been one person short, his flaky nature making it hard for them to work with him. Codatorta wrote as many warnings for Helia in that one year as he did in his whole career before that. Students at Red Fountain tended to be disciplined and dedicated to becoming Specialists, but Helia was the absolute antithesis to them. At the end of the year no amount of Saladin’s half-hearted excuses could save Helia from the overwhelming force of the teaching staff getting him sacked. Not that Helia minded, though. It was exactly what he wanted.

Saladin more or less gave up on him then. If he wanted to be on his own then fine. Saladin would help him with finding an own apartment and give him his first moth of rent, but after that Helia could go and find himself a purpose in the world alone. Fine. Fine. Alright! 

It was not alright at all, but it was buried under a very thick layer of “I’ll show ya” which made Helia want to live his best liberal artist life. He enjoyed creating as much art as he wanted, but he craved social contact and being engaged in something with a common goal, so he started getting involved with local pacifist groups. He had always preached a path of non-violence, which was about the only thing that had been ingrained in him from his Lynphean upbringing. There he started to expand his horizon beyond what his gut feeling taught him about pacifism and got into reading theory seriously. He was surprised how many of those books shared around had originally belonged to the Red Fountain library and even more so that they have ben written by the founders of the Red Fountain Cavalry. And that was when Helia bust down Saladin’s office door.

“All of this theory was in the school’s library the whole time!!?? And all everyone was ever talking about was warfare!! Why was I never told the best pacifist philosophers of the century were all Red Fountain members???” “You never showed up to any of the philosophy lectures! How am I to blame?” A deep breath from Helia, re-evaluating all of his 17 years of life choices. “Dada Saladin, you have to let me back into your school please.” 

And Saladin refused. To let him back without repercussions that is. Helia had to prove that he took his education seriously and was ready to commit by taking the entrance exam like everybody else to earn his place at the institute. He scraped the bottom of the scoreboard with his first results, but took the first year foundation course with a mile long stride. He was allowed to skip quite a few modules and ended up in the same year as the protag specialist boys with quite a reputation to his name. In the process of reacquainting himself with the school and its philosophy, he learned humility, respect, and when to keep his head down and mouth shut. The upperclassmen from his original year group barely believed he was supposedly the same person they got to know as an absolute menace . There are many rumours about twin brothers, brainwashing and Saladin’s terrifying magic might turning him into this new person.

Helia has come an extremely long way becoming the well-tempered and balanced person known from the show’s timeline. It is almost as if he compressed a lifetime of angst into three years, thus min-maxing his character development coming out more adult in the end at 18 years old than many people at 30. He lived through a lot of things and it shows in how he behaves and what he cares about. He is a passable fighter, but his main aim is always to protect and to avoid conflict if possible. He is a trained negotiator for that purpose and prefers to act as tactical support for his team. It all changes however once Riven and Sky both decide to quit the team leaving Helia, Brandon and Timmy with a very difficult decision on how to go on after that.

(Aand we have arrived at present day for my AU timeline with this. I hope you made it this far, I‘ve never written this much for a tumblr post before)

[septicbooster]

JSE community,

This is a call to stand up! I’m sick of people lamenting what we’ve lost. I apologise if this is harsh but it’s how I feel. If we want what we’ve lost back then we have to fight for it. We have to be supportive of each other. Sean isn’t here right now so it’s up to us to keep each other going. Be the voice in the dark!

This isn’t a case of flooding the tags with empty PMA or denying there is a problem. This is a call to say yes there are issues but we are still a community. A community that can and has done a lot of good. A community where we lift those around us up. We need to remind ourselves that we can be better and take the mindset that we can still learn and grow. We can be patient and kind. It’s time to show that we can take arguments and talk civilly.

We have a long way to go but sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves isn’t going achieve anything. Encourage others, leave kind words on posts, reach out to a mutual who could do with a lift, show them what we can really do!

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

Any headcanons of Klaus and Nick??

of freaking course

From birth til the age of about three, they would cry when someone tried to separate them for even a short period of time. They also learned how to walk very early because they desperately wanted to follow Lilac and Violet around and had to be able to run to keep up with them. 

Nick doesn’t show his feelings much so Klaus thought for a long time that Nick just didn’t like him. Nick does love his brother, but he and Klaus both show their emotions very differently, so they can get frustrated with  each other a lot. Nick doesn’t understand how Klaus can be so open with his feelings, and Klaus doesn’t get why Nick’s often so closed up. 

When they get frustrated, Klaus gets moody but Nick gets way more angry, so them getting frustrated with each other never ends well. They love each other but their fights can be brutal; even small things like opinions on books can get them ready to murder each other, and Lilac has, on at least one occasion, locked them in the same room and left them there until they could speak to each other civilly. 

Both Nick and Klaus are very honest, but Klaus is more likely to just bluntly say what he’s thinking; Nick has way more social skills than Klaus, so he occasionally knows when to shut up, while Klaus never seems to get the memo until someone tells him, and that someone is usually Nick elbowing him in the side. 

Nick got very overprotective over Klaus after TMM, though that died down slightly as time went on. (At the peak of his defensiveness of his brother, Nick punched Carmelita in the face for making fun of him.) Klaus got sick of this very fast, but didn’t really effectively communicate this until sometime around THH. 

Most of their sibling bonding time involves just sitting quietly in the library reading together, without talking. Their siblings don’t quite get it, but it  works for them. 

They were the same height for most of their lives, but right before they turned thirteen Klaus hit a growth spurt and suddenly ended up a lot taller than his twin. Nick, who constantly likes to remind everyone he’s the older twin, does not like this in the slightest. 

[basement-critics]

I Protected My Kids & Followed My Neighbor's Advice

Hey there, so people have it in their heads I am the epitome of evil, I lie, according to them, constantly. It's a bit frustrating, um, but that's how the internet works. I literally saw someone say

“Your neighbor didn't tell you to use a bulldozer, a small tiny tractor thing. Your neighbor didn't tell you to do that”

Yes he did, so there is this thing in 1995 that was passed, as I learned, um that basically restricts what you can do with your yard. And a lot of people laughed at me for saying that I did yard work, but I did yard work, like this is what's weird about the internet right. They know everything, you know nothing when it comes to your life. It's crazy how the internet works, but that's how it works.

So I have a yard, right, and there were a ton of blackberry bushes, nettles and devil's club, okay. And I didn't remove all of them, but I removed a lot of them. Alright, in my yard, like people were saying they were laughing out loud when I said I did yard work, and it's like I don't understand why you guys think you know more than me about my own yard. Like obviously I know a lot of rules now, rules I wasn't aware of before.

In 95 they passed this thing that basically says you can't do yard work. Can you believe that? Not allowed to do yard work in your own yard, without a number of permits and so forth. I had no idea. Um, so I cleared out a bunch of blackberry bushes and I cleared out a bunch of devil's club, I cleared out a bunch of nettles. Those are all things that can hurt children, I have children.

So I was making my yard much much more safe for my kids. And that's what the internet is currently, I saw someone literally say “you are a pile of dog shit” to me, for clearing out thorns and nettles.

I don't get it guys, I'm really struggling here to understand where you are coming from. Listen it's a good thing to protect the environment and so forth, it really is. But, if you put it to a vote and you ask people “would you like to protect the environment” most everyone would say yes, I would say yes. I would like to protect the environment, but if you put it to a vote “would you like to be able to do whatever you like with your own property when you buy it because it's yours?” Most everyone would say yes, I'm mean with in like “don't hurt people, or selling drugs.” but like…. There's like this thing where you can't even make a garden, where you grow tomatoes or anything like that, in some areas. It's like you aren't even allowed to do that. You could get fined for that. And that's what it's come to.

So, I know this is a learning lesson for a lot of people and I think that's a great thing. But when my neighbor, he moved to Montana since he was here I have a new neighbor he's very nice as well, but it neighbor said that when he first got to, and this is the guy right next to me, when he first got to the property he bulldozed everything. And he said, um that's why his yard looks the way it does now, and he's like “you should do that too.” So uh, I took his advice.

I didn't bulldoze everything, I didn't do anything nearly as dramatic as he did. Because he has a massive yard, it's gigantic so he must have had to bulldoze a ton of junk. But the internet would characterize, if they were being you know proportionate to myself and him, they would characterize him as a pile of dog shit according to the internet.

I wish people would calm down, you know. Like how do you think your house's came to be, how do you think anything came to be. Like a lot of you eat meat, you fund people to slaughter animals in the masses, trillions of animals die, because of people like you. And you know I could characterize you as a monster because these things actually scream and suffer etc. These are animals that have emotions just like you. But I'm not sitting here doing that, I did that a long time ago and maybe you guys are in a place where you're not grown up, where you can't be an adult, and you can't handle things civilly. But I can, I've grown up.

So I'm just asking you guys to be rational, be honest, and like seriously if you haven't been there, if you aren't living someone's life, maybe you should think about it from a more reasonable perspective. You know, like, I've tried to be reasonable a lot of the people I've talked about. And the people I've talked about have typically done something that is very difficult to to swallow, like victimized human beings, or have victimized themselves to such a degree that it risks death. You know, like really serious things.

But this is yard work, and I know that makes you laugh, but I have a yard, and I worked on it. It's yard work.

MoThat's the thing, I don't know how else to get through to you. That's a thing I did, I worked on my yarn I cleared out things that could hurt my children. And the fact that I'm getting so heavily demonized, after my literal neighbor told me to, after my housing community told me to cut down any trees that could pose a risk. I got permission you know, to do these things by the housing committee, they even told me, the housing committee told me to maintain my lawn. They say make sure you keep your lawn nice, clean etc.

So we got the housing committee, we got my neighbor, we got people all around me except for the neighbor over there *points*. She was, she was different. She was like talking about buying a property with me across the way that wasn't even for sale, she was a little weird. She was like “we should buy that together” I'm like okay maybe, no no it's not, it's not for sale. It's attached to a house down the street so it doesn't make any sense. Anyway, but she was very aggressive and strange.

But anyway, I took advice and I didn't do research. And I didn't check the updated information etc. But um, as far as court cases go I uh, you can't lose a court case if there was no court case. I don't get that, why people say that. When you, for like for instance, let me play out a scenario for you guys so you understand this. Because a lot of you are obsessed with this idea that I'm just the most fraudulent person ever and that's because they are add to this idea, a world where I'm not that person doesn't make sense to them and it's sad because their not living in the real world you know.

I was thinking about this at the Christmas party the other day, I was like, what people all talk to each other like this, we were all just civil and kind to each other. What if? You wouldn't go viral that's for sure. People love hate online, they don't really love videos that are rational and talk to you like a normal human being. But um, I don't know I was going to say something but I forgot.

Point is if you want to continue to call me these horrible names I really hope your life gets better. Because nobody who is being this negative is happy, you may not feel it at first, like people used to say that to me like, “you're being aggressive because something is wrong in your life” and I'm like “I'm perfectly fine, I'm happy” no I wasn't, I wasn't happy. Because happy is something you feel when you let go of a lot of this insanity. When you start to realize we're all human beings we're not, we're not special and we just co exist and then we die. So to have a delusion of grandeur or to dress it up as something else, like all hate comments are is just a bunch of people saying they are better than you and that kind of seems sad. It's sad that we are so desperate to act like we are better than everyone else. I've been doing it for a long time, and I need to do a lot of growing myself. Unless it's comedy, comedy is the total expectation. If you're going to be funny be funny, say whatever jokes you want I won't be a jerk about it. Unless targeting children then I'll be really mad.

Which I myself have made jokes about kids in the past, I need to grow up I know. Anyway so yeah, I kind of just wanted to talk this out with you guys because a lot of you aren't being human to me. A lot you aren't being real with me, you're just going with the idea there's this character online that's uh doing the things your favorite YouTuber said he'd do. And that favorite YouTuber, I hate to break it to you, but he's getting paid to say what he's saying. They all are, they are all making money off this. I don't think a lot of people would um crap on someone else unless they were being paid. Me, I'm paid terribly.

People bring up a huge YouTuber I made a documentary on, I got paid terribly for that. So obviously I'm not, it has hurt my career tremendously, it does not help me. I am hated and every single time I make a video on that I get ripped apart, so that's how you know it's not incentivised. And as far as people starving themselves and so forth that's because I care, I really do want them to get better. But I also want to tell jokes, it's it a very complicated thing.

Anyway thank you listening and thank you for being rational and hearing me out.

Um one last request, you see documents right, and um you think those documents are representative of past events in the sense that you know someone says “Hey I'll meet you on Tuesday” in a text you know. So you are like “Oh they hung out on Tuesday”, that's not necessarily what happened. Sometimes things get canceled or thrown out or otherwise adjusted, you know. And um, so the documents they aren't representative of, I'm talking about yard work documents I'm saying yard work because it was work on my yard. I don't know why people don't get that. But sometimes plans don't follow through, and people come to agreements. So um, I don't know is that a settlement, because there was no money, I don't know if that's a settlement. Typically settlements have money like “I'll pay you x amount of dollars” but really it's just to make sure everything is okay. You know, we'll have someone come check it out so it's okay. That's what we'll do, so um, and if it's not okay we'll be alright. But I'm pretty sure it's perfectly great. I don't know.

Long story short though, we are trying to make the best of it and uh, financially we're already crazy so uh hopefully it's not too expensive. Because uh they'd like to put a plant here and there, because uh, I don't want to replant blackberry bushes if that's what they want. I don't want to put hazards for children in the yard, hopefully we can be reasonable.

Anyway, thank you guys so much for watching thank you for supporting me in protecting children and you know, I really hope we vote more reasonable, honest and transparent in the future because if you ask people you know “Do you wanna legalize, uh um, uh brain freeze. Do you wanna make it so brain freeze doesn't exist anymore?” Everyone is gonna say yes, but if you ask “Do you wanna ilegalize ice cream?” nobody is gonna vote yes for that. You have to tell both sides of the story when making laws. Cause everyone has the right to take care of own stuff. Everyone should have the right to look at the stuff they own and say “oh hey this is a hazard for children”

The internet hates me, say I'm a monster, I'm a murder, a literal murder right now because of clearing out these harmful plants. Whatever.

Alright so I'm not gonna convince a lot of you I get it, and that's fine. But I do want to have my say, my voice heard, and I've had it. So if you hate me fine, that's fine. But I hope you cheer up, because it is the holidays and I think it's really weird I got all this thrown on me around the holidays. Have a wonderful holiday guys, no matter who you are. Even to the person who made this video which is a big lie. I hope you  guys have a great holiday. Merry uh holidays to you. Kwanzaa is today I think, Merry Kwanzaa. Bye guys.

[clinicalsurgery]

Toxic Work Environment in the ICU Workplace in Open Access Journal of Medical and Clinical Surgery by Evangelia Michail Michailidou*

Opinion

Everyone happens to have a bad day at work, especially when it comes to a closed department and a stressful environment such as the ICU. It may be the fault of an unsuccessful medical procedure, a patient with a poor outcome, the traffic on the street, a dissatisfied relative patient or, more importantly, the poor cooperation of the department staff. Whatever it is that worries us, it is enough to make us lose our mood and not be able to wait until it is time to go home. But there is a difference between "having a bad day" and feeling sick at work every day. The first is a slight inconvenience, something that goes away and comes depending on the weather and conditions. The second, however, we feel is "poisoning" us internally and is a danger to our mental balance and our health. The reason for this is no other than a toxic work environment. An environment that is negatively charged, strongly affects us emotionally and makes us feel highly stressed and disgusted about our work, with the risk of not being effective with our patients.

It is not difficult to recognize if the environment in our work belongs to this category, as long as we see how the employees (medical and nursing staff) work with each other. If the atmosphere is constantly electrified, there are major communication problems, constant pressure and a complaint, and then something is wrong. It is important to stay away from toxic people and environments. Not only because they endanger our health, but also because they hold us back and do not allow us to evolve. You may think that it is a luxury to complain about one's job at a difficult time. However, living an unbearable daily life, in a job with which you are intolerant, is not a solution and will quickly lead you to a dead end.  That is why we have to think and see what goes through our hands and what we can do, to make this reality more bearable.

We have to find the Positives

To be able to deal with negativity, stress and madness in a bad work environment, we need to change a little the way we look at things. What we need to do is find the positives in every situation, so that we can focus there and get our attention from the negatives. If, for example, we are in an ICU which is a good opportunity to gain experience or an opportunity for a better position in the future, then we should think that this is a step that will help us climb higher.

We set our Limits

The truth is that setting the right boundaries is not easy. It is very easy to confuse assertive communication with aggressive communication. Especially in the workplace it is a challenge, as we have to keep a delicate balance. However, if we want to stay reasonable and keep our own mental health in balance, then we must be able to say no and set our limits correctly. Almost always, the problem with boundaries lies in beliefs. One is afraid to speak up and express one's opposition and feelings. This is either because he thinks it makes no sense, as no one will care, or because he feels that if he does, disaster will come. However, passive behavior can only cause harm, and if we feel oppressed, it is our responsibility to civilly draw a fine red line. The more we do not, the more others will push our limits.

To Learn to put our Limits on the Demanding Workplace of the ICU and to Survive even if we are in a Toxic Work Environment

We do not take part in fights

A toxic work environment is a breeding ground for conflict, disagreement and, of course, intense drama. And in all this, it is very possible that we, even indirectly, get involved in such situations. Either trying to support one side, or wanting to change another's opinion and show him that he is wrong.

Whatever has happened, all this drama adds intensity and charges us with even more negative emotions. So if we want to gain our composure, it is important to avoid conflicts as much as possible and of course not to participate in disagreements and quarrels between others.

We must have a support system

It is important, when we are constantly charged with strong emotions, to be able to get them out of us. To be able to do this, we need to be able to talk to family, friends and generally loved ones in our lives. That is, with people who constitute our so-called support network. This is a network of people who care about us and can listen to us and support us. These networks are an essential component of a balanced life.

It is good to avoid being open to people in our workplace because relationships and interests between colleagues change and we can become vulnerable by showing our weaknesses. Often, when they are absent, depression begins and they look for a way out of their problems in various activities that make them forget, but this is just a temporary escape from the problems.

We must not pay attention to gossip

Gossip and constant comments from other colleagues are a reality in all ICUs, but in any toxic work environment they have the first say in everyday life. Often, it is one of the parameters that can influence the thoughts we do and how we feel. Especially if gossip targets us and hurts us every day. However, all of these are often assumptions and products of fantasy. Unfortunately, we can not control what others do and say. But what we can control is ourselves and our reaction. So do not let the various stories and comments affect us. We need to stop thinking about what may or may not have happened and turn your gaze to reality and the data that exist.

We need to make sure we are not part of the problem

We may want to help a colleague in his work or emphasize specific problems. However, constantly correcting others or complaining all the time does not help much. Even if we have the best intentions, instead of helping to make things better and smoother, we make them actually worse. Unfortunately, if we are part of the problem, it is difficult to understand and deal with it, as one does not easily admit one's mistakes and guilt. However, if we want to change something and survive in a difficult and toxic work environment, we must first make sure that we do not contribute to the problem in our own way. Otherwise, it is very likely that negativity will follow us everywhere, even if we change ICU workplace.

Regarding our Journal: https://oajclinicalsurgery.com/ Know more about this article https://oajclinicalsurgery.com/oajcs.ms.id.10009/ https://oajclinicalsurgery.com/pdf/OAJCS.MS.ID.10009.pdf

[newstfionline]

Friday, April 16, 2021

Biden Administration to Impose Tough Sanctions on Russia (NYT) The Biden administration is set to announce on Thursday a string of long-awaited measures against Russia, including far-reaching financial sanctions, for the hacking of government and private networks and a range of other activity, according to people who have been briefed on the moves. The sanctions are meant to cut deeper than previous efforts to punish Russia for interfering in elections, targeting the country’s sovereign debt, according to people briefed on the matter. Administration officials were determined to draft a response that would impose real costs on Moscow, as many previous rounds of sanctions have been shrugged off. Restrictions on sovereign debt affect a nation’s ability to raise dollar-denominated bonds, with lenders fearful of being cut off from American financial markets. The United States has used similar techniques against Iran, among others.

California governor says all schools must reopen (AP) California Gov. Gavin Newsom is urging all schools in the state to reopen, saying there are no health barriers to getting children back into classrooms and ending distance learning. His wishes remain an expectation rather than a mandate because California’s decentralized education system lets the 1,200 school districts govern themselves. Some of the largest school districts are reopening, including Los Angeles and San Diego.

Texas Nearly Went Dark Because Officials Misjudged Weather (Bloomberg) Texas came uncomfortably close to another round of rolling blackouts Tuesday night because grid operators misjudged the weather. The Electric Reliability Council of Texas, which manages most of the state’s grid, had counted on a mild cold front sweeping the state, lowering demand for power. It didn’t happen. As a result, demand on the grid was about 3,000 megawatts higher than anticipated—or the equivalent of 600,000 homes. The forecasting error, coming as 25% of power generation was off line for seasonal repairs, was another grim reminder of the vulnerability of Texas’s grid. Two months ago, a deep winter freeze knocked out almost half the state’s generating capacity, leaving millions of people in the dark for days. But Tuesday’s weather was hardly extreme, and the close call has raised questions about whether the grid operator, known as Ercot, can prevent a repeat of the February energy crisis. “It’s a disgrace for a power grid in modern times to struggle to keep the lights on during a mild day,” said Daniel Cohan, an associate professor of environmental engineering at Rice University. “We’ll be in trouble when a summer heat wave comes in and demand is one-and-a-half times as much as it was yesterday.”

‘How can a democracy function if we can’t talk to one another?’ U.S. justices ask (Reuters) Two U.S. Supreme Court justices from opposite ends of the ideological spectrum are calling on Americans to learn to talk civilly to each other or risk lasting damage to the nation’s democratic system. Speaking in a pre-recorded discussion released on Wednesday, liberal Justice Sonia Sotomayor and conservative Justice Neil Gorsuch both bemoaned the current state of public discourse, which they said was abetted by the spread of disinformation on social media. “We have a ... very heated debate going on. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it can turn into an awful thing, into something that destroys the fabric of our community, if we don’t learn to talk to each other,” Sotomayor said. Gorsuch, appointed by Trump, said people could learn from the court, where the justices tout their ability to remain cordial despite their differences. “How can a democracy function if we can’t talk to one another and if we can’t disagree kindly, with respect for one another’s differences and different points of view?” Gorsuch asked.

A retiring Castro to bring younger face to Cuba’s communists (AP) This week’s Communist Party congress could be the last with a Castro at the helm of Cuba’s all-powerful political institution. Six years after the death of Fidel Castro, his brother and fellow leader of the island’s 1959 revolution, Raul Castro, is being watched to see if he fulfills his commitment to give up the reins of the only political organization permitted in the country of 11 million people. At the previous Communist Party congress, in 2016, Castro announced that owing to the “inexorable laws of life,” he would step down as first secretary-general of the Communist Party in 2021 and yield power to Miguel Diaz-Canel. Also expected to resign at the gathering is Castro’s deputy, 90-year-old José Ramón Machado. That would potentially leave the 17-member Politburo for the first time without any veterans of the guerrilla insurgency, or what many Cubans affectionately refer to as the “historic generation.”

Denmark’s Closing Time: You Don’t Have To Go Home, But You Can’t Stay Here (NYT) Denmark has become the first EU country to strip 1,250 Syrians of their asylum status, forcing them to leave the country where they have built new lives and return to a still-shattered Syria. Those being told to go include high school and university students, truck drivers, factory employees, store owners, and volunteers in nongovernmental organizations. One 27-year-old woman has been living in Denmark since 2015 with her parents and four brothers. She is fluent in Danish and was studying chemistry and biotechnology at the Technical University of Denmark. Immigration authorities told her in February she must return to Damascus, while her parents and brothers are allowed to stay in Denmark. Another couple in their 50s were told they must leave, but their two sons, 20 and 22, can stay. The Danish government can’t forcibly deport the refugees, but those who don’t go voluntarily wind up in “departure centers” where they can remain indefinitely. Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen has said Denmark’s goal is to have “zero asylum seekers.”

Violent protests shake Pakistan (Foreign Policy) A hard-line Islamist political party, Tehreek-e-Labbaik Pakistan (TLP), staged violent protests in major Pakistani cities this week. More than 300 people were injured, and two police officers died during the violence. Media reports and videos indicate that protesters took some police officers hostage. TLP was protesting the arrest of its leader, which Pakistani officials say was intended to “maintain law and order”—a move that clearly backfired. In February, Pakistani officials agreed to put before parliament a TLP demand to expel the French ambassador after remarks by French President Emmanuel Macron that the TLP deemed Islamophobic. The deadline for the demand to be implemented is April 20, and the TLP has vowed major demonstrations if it isn’t met. On Thursday, the French Embassy in Pakistan urged its citizens there to leave the country temporarily, citing “serious threats to French interests.” Pakistan has long treated the TLP, which aggressively defends Pakistan’s blasphemy laws and rails against religious minorities, with kid gloves. That changed on Wednesday, when the government announced it will ban the group. But Pakistan has often banned extremist groups only to have them reemerge under new names. The TLP, which has substantial support among religious conservatives, is unlikely to go away.

In India, Second Wave of Covid-19 Prompts a New Exodus (NYT) Cities in India are once again locking down to fight Covid-19—and workers are once again pouring out and heading back home to rural areas, which health experts fear could accelerate the spread of the virus and devastate poorly equipped villages, as it did last time. Thousands are fleeing hot spots in cities as India hits another record, with more than 200,000 daily new infections reported on Thursday. Bus stations are packed. Crowds are growing at railway stations. India risks repeating the traumatic mass movement that occurred last year after it enforced one of the world’s toughest national lockdowns, eliminating millions of jobs virtually overnight. That lockdown fueled the most disruptive migration across the Indian subcontinent since it was split in two between India and Pakistan in 1947. Tens of millions of lowly paid migrant workers and their families fled cities by train, bus, cargo truck, bicycle, even by blistered feet to reach home villages hundreds of miles away, where the cost of living was cheaper and they could help and be helped by loved ones. The migration also played a significant role in spreading the virus, as local officials in remote districts reported that they were swamped with the sick.

US troop pullout will leave behind an uncertain Afghanistan (AP) The Biden administration’s surprise announcement of an unconditional troop withdrawal from Afghanistan by Sept. 11 appears to strip the Taliban and the Afghan government of considerable leverage and could ramp up pressure on them to reach a peace deal. The Taliban and Afghan government can no longer hold the U.S. hostage—the Taliban with escalating violence and the Afghan president with dragging his feet on a power-sharing deal with the insurgents that doesn’t include him as president—because Washington made it clear that U.S. troops are leaving, no matter what. Still, there are growing fears that Afghanistan will collapse into worsening chaos, brutal civil war, or even a takeover by the Taliban once the Americans are gone—opening a new chapter in the constant war that has lasted for decades.

Beijing skies turn yellow as sand, dust engulf Chinese capital (Reuters) The skies above Beijing turned yellow and air pollution soared to severe levels as a giant cloud of sand and dust particles rolled into the city, propelled by strong winds from the north of China. The amount of sand in the air was less than that during two sandstorms in northern China last month, but the windspeed was higher, allowing the dusty weather to travel faster and farther, according to the meteorological administration. China typically blames Mongolia’s Gobi desert for its annual sandstorms. Beijing has been planting millions of trees along its border to block out sandstorms, part of a project known as the “Great Green Wall”.

Myanmar on the way to becoming a failed state? (The Economist) Myanmar could become Asia’s next failed state. Daily protests continue and soldiers are rampaging through rebellious districts, beating and killing at random; the overall death toll has passed 700. Citizens have burned down shops tied to the army and a general strike has paralysed businesses and public services. In the borderlands some of the 20 or so armed groups that have battled the government on-and-off for decades are taking advantage of the crisis to seize military outposts or caches of weapons. A vacuum is being created in a territory bigger than France that abuts Asia’s biggest powers, China and India. It will be filled by violence and suffering. Although Myanmar is not yet as lawless as Afghanistan, it is rapidly heading in that direction. The ruin of Myanmar is not only a calamity for the 54m Burmese; it also threatens to spread chaos as drugs, disease and refugees spill over Myanmar’s borders.

Drug-resistant bacteria (Financial Times) The World Health Organization has warned none of the antibiotics currently being developed against antimicrobial resistance are enough to tackle drug-resistant bacteria that are expected to kill millions by 2050. In a report published on Thursday, the WHO said that none of the 43 such drugs in the pipeline addressed the 13 most dangerous superbugs it had identified. Antimicrobial resistance (AMR) has been described by experts as a silent pandemic. Research suggests the spread of bugs that tolerate drugs kills about 700,000 people a year, a figure that could rise to 10m by 2050—the same number of lives claimed by cancer each year.

[counselingwellnesspgh]

How to Detox Co-Parenting Conversations

Co-parenting is hard, there is no doubt about that, but it doesn’t have to be toxic!  It is impossible to completely eliminate disagreements between two people trying to work together in any situation, but disagreement should not always lead to disaster. The key to co-parenting is learning to have healthy, respectful and productive conflict discussions. Today we are going to talk about how you and your co-parent can learn to detoxify conflict and have healthy conversations by removing the four most destructive conversation patterns.

Not all disagreements are equal

There are certain types of negativity that are so toxic that they bring chaos and frustration to all parties involved. This post is not about how to avoid fighting & disagreement; it is about learning how to fight in a healthy way!  John Gottman is a family and marriage therapy expert and one of the leading researchers in studying what makes communication patterns healthy or unhealthy in relationships.  Although his focus has been on committed relationships, his findings from over 40 years of research have been successfully applied to parenting, co-parenting, leadership and management.  John Gottman discovered that there are four patterns of communication that destroy healthy, and productive conflict discussions.  He called these the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.”  It is nearly impossible to completely eliminate the Four Horsemen, but by learning to identify these toxic patterns of communication you’ll be better able to avoid unhealthy arguments and implement healthy and productive conversation alternatives.

One of the hardest things to remember in the midst of a co-parenting disagreement is that ultimately the disagreement is not about you and it is not about who is right or wrong.  It is about your child (or children). When you don’t have healthy communication with your co-parent, your child is the one who is hurt the most.  Learning how to healthily approach disagreements and disputes with your co-parent directly benefits your child! Not only do they learn that they are loved, but they will also learn that adults can have disagreements and still be civil and respectful. When disagreements between co-parents get out of hand, your child loses every time!  Learning to be a better co-parent is about helping your child (or children) and providing them with a safe and nurturing environment.  Now let’s get into the nuts and bolts of healthy and unhealthy conflict discussions.

What are the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse?  The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are patterns that lead to unproductive conflict management, they are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.  Learning to identify each Horsemen means you’ll be able to avoid them and replace them with healthy antidotes!  John Gottman has produced some the best resources on conflict management.  We have adapted one of his guides to be relevant to you as a co-parent!  It is important to be on the same page as each other, so after reading this guide, consider sharing it with your co-parent to establish the same ground rules for conversations.

Horseman No. 1: CRITICISM

Criticism involves bringing up an issue in a way that focuses on your co-parent’s character or personality flaws rather than on what you need them to do differently. Criticism implies there is something wrong with your co-parent, that he or she is defective or broken. The problem with this approach is that if you treat them like they are defective or broken, there is no room for growth as co-parents. Criticism may include blame, name-calling and a general character assassination. Criticizing your co-parent is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. Remember, a criticism is an attack.

Here is an example to help you distinguish between the two:

Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. You’re just selfish!”

Complaint: “I was frustrated when you were running late for our drop off and didn’t call me. We had agreed that we would communicate if one of us got held up.”

Antidote to Criticism: Use a Soft Start-up and Ask for Specific Behavior Change

The antidote to criticism is to use a soft start-up to ask your co-parent to change their behavior in some specific way.

Steps for a Gentle Start Up

I Feel…

Begin statements with “I” instead of “You” to avoid blame. State how you feel.

Example: “I feel frustrated . . .”

About What…

Describe the situation and not your co-parent.

Example: “I feel frustrated that you put our son into a sports league that plays on my weekdays without asking me about it.”

I Need…

Let your co-parent know what you want (versus what you don’t want.) If you could wave a magic wand and get what you need, what would things be like? Instead of hoping your co-parent will guess what you need, or read your mind, tell him or her specifically what you would like.

Example: “I feel frustrated that you put our son into a sports league that plays on my weekdays without asking me about it. I would appreciate it if you would please communicate with me about activities that will affect my time before you commit to them.”

Be Civil  

Make requests civilly, adding phrases such as “I would appreciate it if…”

Give appreciations for Parenting.

Notice what your co-parent is doing right and tell him or her. If your co-parent has done what you wanted in the past, state that you appreciated it and ask if he or she would be willing to do it again.

Examples of Criticism:

“You’re such an idiot.”

“What’s wrong with you?”  

“You are so selfish!”  

Antidote: “I was proud of us as co-parents at our child’s baseball game last weekend and I would really appreciate it if you would please communicate with me in advance about the commitments you are making so that we can continue to both show our child our support.”

Horseman No. 2: DEFENSIVENESS

Defensiveness is an attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence, and to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized. Research shows that defensiveness rarely has the desired effect of improving the situation. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your co-parent. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so destructive. There are two ways to be defensive: to counterattack or to whine (playing the innocent victim). Some people can do both at the same time.

Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility

The antidote to defensiveness is to take some responsibility for even a small part of the problem. By doing this, you can quickly reduce tension and prevent conflict from escalating. This helps your co-parent believe they are heard and understood.

Examples of Defensiveness: Your co-parent complains that you are often late to pick-up’s.

Criticism: “I am really tired of you losing track of time and being late to our pick-ups. You’re always late and I have other things I need to do!”

Defensive Counter-attack: “Can’t you get over it?! You always find something to be mad about. I’m never that late. Besides, you were the one who was late last time.”

Defensive Innocent Victim: “I wasn’t late on purpose. I had a meeting that ran over. You’re always picking out every mistake I make. No matter when I get there, it’s never early enough. I can’t do anything right.”

Antidote: “You’re right, I’m sorry for being late to the pick-up. I’ll try harder to be more aware of the time.”

Horseman No. 3: CONTEMPT

To be contemptuous is to put your co-parent down or to speak with scorn. It happens when you feel and act superior. It’s putting oneself on a higher plane, looking down from a position of authority with an attitude of, “I’m better/smarter/neater/cleaner/ more punctual, etc. than you.”

Contempt stems from a negative habit of mind, in which you scan the environment looking for your co-parent’s mistakes, rather than what you can appreciate about him or her as a parent. Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt, and so is name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen and is poisonous to a co-parenting relationship. It is virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your co-parent is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her as a parent. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict. Contempt is the single best predictor of unproductive disagreements and relationship toxicity.

Antidote to Contempt: Describe Your Feelings and Needs & Build a Culture of Parenting Appreciation

Underneath contempt is a need or want. In any type of teamwork, if these needs are not met over time it will become contemptuous. The antidote to contempt is to describe your own feelings and needs by using “I” statements.  For examples, see “Steps for a Soft Start Up” in the Criticism section “I Feel….”, “About What…”, “I Need…”!

Building a culture of parenting appreciation is the all-encompassing antidote to contempt. When you feel valued and appreciated as a parent you are able to access positive feelings for your co-parent and are less likely to act contemptuous when you have a difference of opinion.

Building a Culture of Appreciation Includes:

Expressing Appreciation: “I appreciate you taking the time to communicate about our child’s issues on the bus.”

Expressing Thanks: “Thank you for making time to discuss how we can communicate better as co-parents.”

Expressing Respect for Co-Parenting skills: “Even though we disagree I know that you want what is best for our child, and I respect your dedication to becoming better co-parents.”

Contempt Example: Your co-parent criticizes that you don’t compromise enough.

Contempt: “You never compromise with me about anything! I’ve made so many sacrifices for our son even so that he can spend time with your family! I moved my vacation around so that he would be able to visit with your family when they came into town! Now when I ask to change a weekend you won’t budge! All you think about is yourself!”

Antidote: “I feel frustrated about how we have tried to come to compromises in the past. I would like to take some time to talk about finding a better way to compromise.  I want to be able to be more flexible, and trust that you will be willing to be flexible too.”

Horseman No. 4: STONEWALLING

Stonewalling occurs when you withdraw from the interaction while staying physically present. Essentially, this means not giving cues that you’re listening or paying attention; for instance, by avoiding eye contact and crossing your arms.

The pattern goes like this: The more you feel criticized, the more you turn away. The more you turn away (give cues to the speaker that you are not paying attention), the more your co-parent attacks. You feel your heart rate climbing and you’re afraid to say anything for fear of making things worse; however, by withdrawing and turning away from your co-parent you perpetuate a negative spiral in your communication and the issue remains unresolved.

In addition, research shows that stonewalling elevates your heart rate and releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. When this happens, it is nearly impossible to listen, think creatively and solve the problem constructively.

Antidote to Stonewalling:  Self-Soothing Break, Then Re-connect

The antidote to stonewalling is to take a self-soothing break for at least 20 minutes and then re-engage with your co-parent when you feel calmer and are able to constructively express your views.

Stonewalling Example:

Imagine arriving to pick up your child and being met with a barrage of critical statements and demands such as, “You’re late again” and, “Why isn’t our daughter dressed appropriately for the weather, where is her jacked?!” You think to yourself, “This is never going to end. I don’t need this. If I tell her what I think, she’ll really explode. It’s not worth it. If I say anything it will just make it worse. Just keep your mouth shut.”

Antidote:

Self-soothe. You recognize that you can’t think clearly, are getting stressed, and you need to calm down. You tell your co-parent that you hear his frustration, but you need a break and will be available later in the day to return to the issue. After taking a break in which, you avoid negative thoughts and do something stress-reducing, like taking a walk or playing your favorite music, return to the conversation (or call) and listen to your co-parent’s concerns. This time, your co-parent is careful to bring up the topic in a soft way and you engage in a constructive discussion.

When taking a break, it is important that you communicate that you need to take a break and that you would like to return to the conversation. Try to let the break be at least 20 minutes, but not longer than 2 days. This gives your mind and body a chance to calm down. It is essential to communicate and follow through with a commitment to finish the conversation at a later time or day!  If not, issues will go unresolved and will be more likely to pile on to a disagreement later on.

Remember your Co-Parent is Just your Co-parent

The Four Horseman have been consistently shown by research to destroy relationships.  While it might not matter to you if you get along with your co-parent or not, it does matter to your child (or children)!  Your ability or inability to have healthy disagreements with your co-parent has a direct result on your child whether you realize it or not!  By learning to recognize the Four Horseman you can avoid their toxicity and embrace healthy substitutes!  In order to employ the conversation techniques, we have just mentioned the first step is to ensure that your focus is on parenting.  It is all too easy to become emotionally reactive and get drawn in by memories, past hurts, and frustrations, especially if you have had any type of extended history with your co-parent.  If this happens you will lose focus and get pulled into the past.  Remember that your conversations should not be about you or your co-parent as a people in general, they should be about you both as co-parents! Co-parenting conversations should be focused on the present issues and the future needs of your child!  A helpful way to learn this approach is to reframe your perspective on how you view your co-parent.  Try to look at them as just a parent, rather than an ex or someone with whom you’ve had a history.  This is extremely difficult to do, but also extremely productive. Try to remind yourself a few times in your head before your conversations, “This is just my co-parent, the focus of our conversation should be on parenting.” Finally, one of the most important and difficult attitudes to embrace is that people can change. You can change, they can change, and your communication patterns can change!  It may take time, and perhaps even some co-parenting therapy, but by applying these techniques and consistently remembering that your focus should be on parenting you can learn to be more balanced and have healthier and more productive interactions.

*The information in this post has been adapted from “Avoid the Four Horsemen” a handout created by The Gottman Institute*

#child therapy

#co-parenting

#conscious uncoupling

#Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh- Monroeville

#family counseling

#family therapy

#gottman method counseling

#mindful parenting

#providing parenting through divorce

#relationship counseling

[anabantoid]

Educational Etiquette: When is or isn’t it about you?

So, I see this happening a lot...all the time. constantly. People take educational posts and their feathers are immediately ruffled, they’ve bristled and prepared themselves for an attack. What they’re reading is entirely opposed to what they are doing with their pets. This doesn’t just apply to the fish keeping hobby, but to every pet owner out there, and beyond the topic of pets, I mean, look at when people say cats belong indoors.

We get a lot of posts about how to approach someone about their husbandry if it’s wrong, but we don’t see any posts about how people should be mindful of their response to just general educational posts that aren’t necessarily about them. It’s important to be able to pull yourselves away from a situation and realize that the post isn’t targeting you, it’s not calling you out, it’s not saying “tumblr user lovemypets42069 you are not taking proper care of your animals and YOU SUCK”. Yeah, the post might touch upon something you might be doing incorrectly, or maybe it’s just a different view point or practice that you don’t agree with. It’s perfectly okay to disagree with a post on a topic that has no right or wrong answer, it’s alright to hold discussions. What isn’t alright is becoming defensive, victimizing yourself, making yourself a martyr for a different husbandry practice and then painting everyone else who follows the practice you disagree with as some elitist or pretentious entity who thinks they can lord over others. In this situation, you’re projecting your own insecurities onto an educational post. Maybe you do feel like what you’re doing isn’t up to par, but instead of admitting it, you knuckle down and fight over it.

This doesn’t create a friendly, conducive community for discussion and sharing things that we know. It just makes for a tense environment where everyone feels like they’re walking on eggshells, and a “us or them” mentality is formed which causes further divide in a community. This happens all the time in online communities because of misplaced passion or over projection. We have to learn how to overcome this and discuss things civilly.

Recognize that the post you’re responding to isn’t just a bunch of words put together by a nameless or faceless entity. These are posts that can be tied back to blogs, blogs that are run by individuals who often times express who they are as a person. Think of how you’d react to this kind of information if you were having a face-to-face conversation. Just like you wouldn’t walk up to a person and tell them in their face that they suck as a pet keeper and should just give up because they’re killing their animals, you wouldn’t walk up to someone who gives you information and say “well, you’re being pretentious and I don’t like what you’re saying because this isn’t how I do these things.” You, generally (I hope), hold a discussion about it, a pleasant back and forth. You can disagree with something and not be rude, or try to shame the other party. That isn’t how people should be talking to one another.

We are all people, we all have feelings and emotions, and we’re not putting out educational articles with the intent to mock or insult others. We do it because we’re passionate and we put in a lot of love and thought behind what we believe in. I know people who love their animals do have a lot of love and passion behind what they believe in too, but to respond to a post that has no negative tones with abject negativity and a sense of persecution is…wrong. It’s also wrong to dog pile on the person wo wrote the article, posting passive aggressive posts in the tags where they can see it. That’s hurtful and demoralizing, and it’s not how a community of mature and responsible individuals conducts itself. I’m disappointed each time I see it, just as I’m deeply disappointed by any individual that associates itself with community salt blogs that drive others out.

Again, we are people. Each of us is an individual, recognize that you are not responding to just pixels of text, you’re responding to another human being.

[ruminativerabbi]

COVID-Diary, Week Eleven

I had the most remarkable experience this last Tuesday, one I resolved on the spot to write about this week. And I also want to bring you all up to date on my COVID-era project of re-reading Mark Twain and learning what I can about the human condition from one of its greatest and most keenly trenchant observers. So, a two-part letter this week!

First, the Tuesday experience. As some readers know, I served the Canadian Jewish Congress (Pacific Region) as its chairperson for Interfaith Relations for more than a decade when we were still living in British Columbia. (This was long before the organization closed down operations in 2011.) I enjoyed that experience a lot. For one thing, I met all sorts of interesting people into contact with whom I would almost definitely not otherwise have come—particularly Sikhs and Muslims, but also Hindus, Christians of all flavors, and a sprinkling of other types. For another, serving in that capacity meant I was invited to all sorts of events and celebrations that I’d otherwise never have even heard of, let alone be invited to attend. So that was the good part. But there was also something almost irritatingly anodyne about the whole operation, almost as though it went without saying that the only sure way to maintain friendly relations between the various faith groups involved was almost obsessively to avoid controversy at all costs, a goal attained by refusing to discuss any topic that could possibly lead to friction, debate, or disagreement. The last thing any of these people wanted was to disagree, at least in public, about anything at all! And that part I didn’t like much at all.

The notion that the members of different faith groups can get along solely by ignoring the issues that divide them rather than by listening carefully and respectfully to each other and agreeing to disagree—that notion felt (and feels) to reflect a basic insecurity about the ability of people courteously and civilly to speak honestly to each other. Some other time I’ll write about some of my actual experiences serving as Interfaith Chair for the CJC during our Vancouver years, but I only bring it up today to provide a sense of the background I brought with me on Tuesday when, in the middle of the afternoon here, I signed onto a world-wide zoom platform to participate in a truly remarkable interfaith encounter, one spearheaded by my friend and colleague, Rabbi Tamar Elad-Appelbaum in Jerusalem. 

I’ve known Rabba Tamar (as she’s known—the Hebrew title rabba is what non-Orthodox Israelis call female rabbis) for years and had the privilege of editing her very interesting commentary on Pirkei Avot as part of the Pirkei Avot Lev Shalem volume published in 2018 by the Rabbinical Assembly. But Joan and I are also her occasional congregants: when we’re in Israel, we often attend the Friday night service at Tziyon, the congregation she serves in the Baka neighborhood of southern Jerusalem. And it was for that reason, I think, that I received an invitation last week to participate in something the flyer referenced as “a one-of-a-kind online global gathering” to be hosted by a group called Maaminim (“believers” in Hebrew) that was also to be “a spiritual joining of religious faiths and art from the sacred city of Jerusalem” and also “a digital prayer for healing by religious leaders and communities from across the globe.” I get lots of invitations to events like this, particularly in these last months. But because I know Rabba Tamar—and also because I met one of the participants, a Hebrew-speaking Franciscan monk from Italy named Alberto Pari whom I once met at Rabba Tamar’s Friday night table—I decided to bookmark the event and to tune in at the appointed hour.

The experience was exceptional. For one thing, there were hundreds and hundreds of people gathered on the Maaminim zoom platform. Some people added their locations to their signatures, so I could see people signed from all over North America and Israel, but also from many European countries (including Vatican City), from Australia, and from many Asian countries as well. It was a varied group, too: not only multinational, but also multi-generational, multi-ethnic, and very multi-spiritual. The event was led by Rabba Tamar and a Christian priest, who began by speaking to each other—openly and deeply—about the specific way that the vulnerability that the COVID-era has naturally engendered in us all has also made us all more aware of the degree to which we need to rely on each other, to turn to each other, to encounter each other in ways we might otherwise not have even realized possible. There was music too—and lots of it, mostly performed in Jerusalem by members of the various faith groups represented and all of it soulful and heartfelt. And then we were all asked to participate by writing a word or two on a piece of paper and holding it up to the camera, a word we wished to share with this remarkable gathering of people of faith from all across the globe.

Some of what  people wrote was what you’d expect: shalom, strength, courage, unity, health, etc. But there was a secondary theme present too, one suggestive of the core idea that the way to negotiate the COVID-crisis is precisely by engaging with each other, by using the sense of brittle fragility we’re all experiencing not solely as a negative thing to be avoided for as long as we can and then abandoned as quickly as possible, but as a positive thing to be embraced, as something to be accepted as native to the human condition (albeit one we generally try to repress or ignore) and then used as a basis for reaching out to others, for building a community of people who are—paradoxically, but really nonetheless—made stronger by acknowledging their weakness…and more sturdy in their faith by facing the instability that crises like the one upon us naturally engender.

I am usually more than slightly cynical about this kind of undertaking. And yet here were hundreds and hundreds of people from all across the globe, people who looked different from each other and who would normally have no way to join together—and yet who had been prompted by the pandemic to see themselves in the eyes of others and thus to find the common humanity we all share in the contemplation not of how similar we all are, but how different…and how the right dose of humility—and particularly one rooted in an acceptance of the precariousness of the human condition—can allow us to look past the cosmetic and see ourselves as each other’s partner in the great goal of coming out of the COVID-age whole, sane, and well.

In other news, I finished my re-read of Tom Sawyer. I first read the book back in high school, at which time I remember finding it irritating that we, sophisticated tenth-graders that we were, were being asked to read a children’s book. And that really is how it struck me back then—as a book about children and meant for children. Twain himself promoted the book that way back in the day, but he knew perfectly well that it was going to be marketed to adults and read by them—he was, after all, one of America’s bestselling authors when the book came out—and he obviously also knew that a lot of what he was saying in the book would only be intelligible to adult readers anyway. 

In the 1870s, the nation was still reeling from the terrible carnage of the Civil War, America’s bloodiest conflict. So by setting his 1876 book in the 1840s, Twain was inviting his readers to look back to an earlier, happier age. Indeed, by making Tom and Huck into eight- or nine-year-olds (their actual ages are not made clear) in the 1840s, he was also making them precisely the right age to have become soldiers during the Civil War and thus inviting his readers to remember a time when the young men of that generation were not soldiers trying to kill each other, but little children wholly unaware of the conflagration to come and its terrors. In his own way, then, Twain was doing something not entirely dissimilar from what Rabba Tamar was trying to do the other day: to invite people reeling from catastrophe to find comfort and resolve not in contemplating the catastrophe itself but in accepting the vulnerability the contemplation of catastrophe can engender. The book is set in Missouri, a border state that never quite joined the Confederacy—by war’s end 110,000 Missourians had served in the Union Army and only 30,000 in the Confederate Army. So would Tom and Huck have fought for the North or the South? It’s hard to say…and that, of course, is the point: by setting the book where and when he did, he makes of his children-heroes into future soldiers who could have ended up on either side of the conflict and who only might have survived. (Twain himself spent exactly two weeks serving as a volunteer in a Confederate militia called the Marion Rangers before quitting, a detail that seems to have been more or less totally forgotten by most. For more, click here.)

The story, unlike how I remembered it, was far-fetched and unlikely…but just possible enough to lend the book a breezy, almost dream-like quality. The children are innocent beings throughout: even when contemplating lives of crime and piracy, Tom and Huck are depicted as naïve and unambiguously pre-pubescent. (When, for example, Tom and Becky Thatcher end up spending several days together secluded in a labyrinthine cave, there is no hint at all of untoward behavior.) And that too was the point of Twain’s goal, I think: to remind readers that all people start out innocent and guileless, that forgiveness can come from reaching over the present into the past, that the sense of extreme vulnerability engendered by the horrors of day-to-day reality in wartime (be the enemy a virus or an actual enemy army) can be exploited to bring people together and make them feel connected and eager to support each other, just as do the people in the Tom’s town—who are depicted as being kind without being insensitive to wrongdoing, moral without being blind to the nature of childhood, and mutually supportive without transcending the mores of their own day.

So that’s what I learned from my COVID-era re-read of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. Next I’ll report to you on my re-read of Huckleberry Finn, possibly the greatest American novel of them all and one that was for several different reasons specifically not assigned to us in high school.

[soulvedamagazine]

Moral compass and finding the true north

The year was 1497. It was known as the Age of Discovery as explorers from Spain, England and other European countries were fervently seeking a New World. Among them was a Portuguese navigator Dom Vasco da Gama. With his crew, his intuition and a compass, he roved the high seas in search of a rumoured land that existed far beyond his own. He set sail in inhospitable weather and travelled far and wide, with his eyes on the horizon. And when all hope was lost, his compass kept him on the right path, as a good guide would. Without it, he would have been lost in the abyss of Mediterranean and Arabia and would never have found India.

Today, whether it’s a sailor, a pilot or an individual walking the streets, everyone can find their direction with ease. But, when it comes to the path of morality, we are just as lost as ever. We have a tonne of research on morality that could give people a map to find their true north, but not everyone can comprehend the difference between right and wrong. So, let’s take a step back and understand morality at the fundamental level.

In Latin, the word for “right” is “rectus” which means “straight”. It comes to the English language through the Old English word ‘riht’ which means “just, fair, proper, or good.” On the other hand, the word ‘wrong’, means “crooked” in Latin. Since the 12th century, the word has been used to highlight a bad, immoral, or unjust behaviour. The first step to find one’s true north begins with understanding this difference between right and wrong.

In simple words, morality is a value system that directs us towards goodness and kindness. Helping an old person cross the road, giving shelter to a homeless animal, volunteering to provide aid to people in need are all moral behaviours, expected of humans, in general. But unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal society. In a world mired in bigotry and ignorance, the line separating good and bad is never a straight one. What is right for one is wrong for another. There is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to ethics and virtues. So how can we follow the path of morality, when there is no map for it?

Simple. By using a compass. Not the one Vasco had, but the moral compass that always point towards ‘true north’. Calibrated with the elements of compassion, fairness and just, moral compass is a ‘shadow of virtue’ embedded in each one of us. For some it is a state of mind, for others it is the plinth to their spirituality. Either way, people use this moral instrument to do what is right, even when doing right is not easy.

It takes a strong determination to live virtuously every day and protect our relationships from ego and ingroup prioritisation.

This being said, the moral ground is filled with potholes, where one often trips and falls. Barack Obama once said, “The biggest challenge, I think, is always maintaining your moral compass.” It means, even power, unlimited resources at your disposal or a rational mind could fail to distinguish right from wrong. But why?

Often, a mind responds to external stimuli by manifesting irrational behaviours. It all depends on the environment one is living in. Even Arthur Dobrin, D.S.W., Professor Emeritus, Hofstra University believes that there are various elements that could stop us from finding our true north. “Many factors interfere with living ethically. Some are generated internally e.g. jealousy, while others are external e.g. living in an unjust society.” Selfishness and self-centeredness often inhibit people from leading a moral life or building a society where everyone looks out for each other. It is strange how much we have evolved as a civilisation but seem to have forgotten how to live in unity, harmoniously, says Dobrin.

Sometimes, to find the answers to the most difficult questions, one should look into the past. Darcia Narvaez, PhD, a Professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Notre Dame, says we should learn from our ancestors about morality from how they lived their lives by being one with everything. “I look to our ancestral contexts for answers—small-band hunter-gatherers and others who follow an indigenous worldview because they focus on living sustainably and virtuously with all of the bio-community, not just humans but animals, plants, rivers, mountains,” says Darcia. The professor also reveals that the ability to take the right decisions and do right by others is not something one can learn overnight. It takes a strong determination to live virtuously every day and protect our relationships from ego and ingroup prioritisation.

Darcia’s perspectives give a clear image of ‘living virtuously’, and what it takes to be moral—becoming one with nature and everyone else. But in today’s fast-paced world, there is hardly any time for people to stop and observe nature, let alone form a bond with it.

Philosopher, Saint Augustine of Hippo tried to simply the relation of right and wrong to give people a clear perspective of their moral actions. He said, “Right is right even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.” Although his words are true and inspiring, they don’t give us a clear demarcation between the two. The Centre for Advancement of Ethics and Character at Boston University gave a more theoretical route to true north, one that can be used by everyone. According to them, one’s moral code is built on the following seven virtues:

Justice: Recognising other people as ends valuable in themselves, not mere means, and treating them fairly, without prejudice or selfishness

Temperance: Controlling ourselves amid promises of pleasure and acquiring healthful habits

Courage: Acting on responsible moral convictions without rashness or cowardice

Honesty: Telling the truth, not deceiving others to manipulate them, and basing judgments on evidence

Compassion: Acquiring a sensitivity to the pain and suffering of others

Respect: Recognising that reasonable people of goodwill can disagree civilly and often have much to learn from each other

Wisdom: Acquiring self-knowledge, right inclinations, and good judgment

If people are a little conscious of these seven virtues, it would certainly make for a more graceful moral life. As Dobrin says, “Live for the moment, but don’t live for the moment only. Live for yourself, but don’t live for yourself alone. You are part of a symphony, so play for notes with beauty and grace.”

[other-animals]

2018-06-23

Scientific name: Elephas maximus indicus Common name: Indian Elephant

I arrive at the “Elephant Community Center” just in time to see several of its residents get fed. Three of the National Zoo’s six elephants are here, one in one corner and two in the other, all presumably seeking shade from what is shaping up to be a stickier-than-average day for early June.

The Elephant Community Center has a similar sort of institutional feel to its human equivalent, the kind of place that has vomit-colored linoleum floors and bulletin boards lined along their edges with crinkly store-bought trim and peppered with ads for pet sitters and piano lessons. The elephant incarnation of this is not unlike a warehouse, with hydraulically operated sliding doors that lead to the outdoor enclosures and a long dirt ramp separating the occupants from their audience. The zookeepers use this ramp as a proscenium of sorts, jogging back and forth in khaki shorts and polos lugging enormous tubs of fruits and forage, fielding questions from errant toddlers along the way. On the far wall someone has smeared some mud into the shape of a heart, an unintended nod, it seems, to the notion of an elephant bulletin board.

The elephants are looming behind a hefty cable fence, looking vaguely in this context like boxers against the ropes. Their heads, approximately the size of small weather balloons, are crowned by two symmetrical lumps at the fore of the skull, a formation that suggests cartoonishly bulging brains. Their trunks, projecting downwards with a limpness that belies their muscularity, are of a length calibrated to drag gently along the ground when at rest—though they are almost never at rest and instead are usually waving through the air, tentacle-like, touching this here and that there with all the whimsy of a toddler in a gift shop. Their state of near-hairlessness, which would, I’m sure, be horrifying if it occurred in paler tones, is somehow made innocuous by their uniform grayness, which lends them both a solemnity and a geological semblance, as though they were rudely carved from river rock. According to one keeper, all the elephants here are female, a designation that can be discerned by counting the number of protuberances on the tip of the trunk. Of the two directly in front of me, the one on the left is significantly larger than the one on the right, who is apparently nearly seventy years old and came to America in the 1960s as a gift from—the keeper tells us—“the children of India.” (How or why this child-initiated feat of international diplomacy was accomplished is not, to my mind, satisfactorily explained, though the same factoid is repeated on multiple plaques and infographics around the zoo.)

Children—I am contemplating, as kids of multiple shapes and sizes press around me, gurgling and screaming and waving their arms—are supposed to like animals; such a liking is encouraged and even enforced. As a child, one’s clothing is adorned with animals; the characters in the books one reads are animals; the stuffed toys one sleeps with at night are animals. The zoo is above all a place for children, a fact that is becoming all the more clear to me as a single woman in her late twenties surrounded, at this moment, by a burgeoning crowd of families, not merely nuclear but emphatically extended: grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles, cousins and stepparents, teenagers and infants, all taking cell phone photos of themselves and each other, all bickering and wiping noses and having variations on a conversation like this:

Parent: “See the elephant? Wow! See the elephant?” Child: “It’s so big!”

One girl, witnessing an elephant moving a clod of dirt with its trunk, yells out with more excitement than disgust, “He’s eating poop!” while her father, sensing a teachable moment, rejoins, “We don’t eat poop, do we?”

Adults, after all, are not supposed to like animals, at least not in the way that children like animals—not wholeheartedly, not obsessively, not in a tumultuous, proto-romantic way. Adults should like animals civilly and calmly, with detachment and humor, with an understanding that the line between “us” and “them” is firm. Those with the audacity to breach this boundary must be censured, with women of course bearing the brunt of our consternation—witness the scorn heaped on “cat ladies” and “horse girls,” while men and their dogs are exalted, even admired, their proud, manly relationship anthologized in countless books and films. It is, at least in part, the sexlessness of children that absolves them from the stigma of loving animals too much, and one wonders—at least I have, in certain moments—whether men experience the female love of animals as a tacit threat of sorts, requiring immediate mockery and shame lest women should flee into the arms of, oh I don’t know, an elephant.

There is, I’ll admit, a seeming gentleness there, and certainly nothing more alien than you can find in the eyes of a man who has stopped loving you. The keepers—there are three, one per elephant—have begun their feeding ritual, which is fascinating in its intricacy and tailored, apparently, to each individual elephant’s needs. They begin by emptying a dry quart or so of what look like pink lozenges into a bucket, which they administer to the elephants in two different ways. The younger elephant on the left has them placed into her trunk, which she then delicately lifts and inserts into her mouth; the older elephant has them placed directly into her mouth by the keeper, who takes a handful of lozenges and reaches her arm up to the elbow into her charge’s waiting maw, holding it there dutifully until its contents have been accepted and swallowed down into the gray depths below. From my vantage—I am only twenty feet or so away—I can see an almost unsettling amount of detail: the way the elephants’ mouths are almost puppet-like in nature, with the pinkness of their tongues seemingly attached on all sides, more of a smooth muscle lining than an organ per se. The lower lip, rather than “closing” the mouth, dangles down in a long, fleshy taper—suspended, perhaps, in prehistoric time, decorated at its nadir with a wiry tuft of hair. Such a mouth is inherently, inchoately clumsy, with a comedic tendency to spontaneously release its contents; this is an animal that eats inexactly, abundantly, with anatomically enforced abandon.

The lozenges—which I later learn are called “leaf eater biscuits,” high fiber protein bars formulated for zoo animals whose first few ingredients are soybean meal, corn gluten meal, soybean hulls, and sugar beet pulp (which explains the weird pink color)—are followed by a series of fruits and vegetables that can’t possibly resemble the elephants’ native diet and seem instead to be whatever was on sale in the produce section at Costco: an entire green pear, a stem of broccoli, half an extra-large carrot, a whole raw sweet potato, two red delicious apples, one granny smith apple. These are followed by a measured amount of “Triple Crown Grass Forage”—I read the name off the bag as it’s emptied into a bucket—which, for the younger elephant, is eaten straight, and for the older elephant, is mixed with water and administered as a kind of grassy porridge, delivered handful by handful as one would feed a baby, a human handful resembling (to an elephant) a spoonful.

I feel mesmerized by this process and its methodical, almost clinical intimacy, the keeper on the right reaching over and over into the vulvar folds of the older elephant’s mouth, speaking quietly and conversationally as she does so—not baby talk, just regular talk, although I can’t make out the words. I am thinking about the extreme and shocking violence of captivity, trying to square it in my head with the necessity of caretaking, the way that you have to treat something nicely if you never intend to set it free. I have slept with men who treated me exactly in this way, their artful violence obscured by calm rituals of caretaking: the drinks that were paid for, the hands that were held, the doors that were opened, the stories that were listened to, and me all the while rattling around the cage of their good intentions.

I am over-identifying with the elephants, maybe; I am finding them too relatable. Their immense and impossible wildness is getting lost in my comparisons. They have walked through the world’s last remaining rainforests; they have known danger and suffering I will never understand. But wasn’t it Thoreau that said “It is vain to dream of a wildness distant from ourselves. there is none such.” The wildness in me greets the wildness in you. If I could I’d set you free.