#and this time i had drank maybe like
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funnie storie in tags
#last week when i turned 21 i immediately picked up vodka and thc-o edibles after school#btw thc/adjacent compounds all break down in the stomach into the same substance (delta 11 thc)#and also alcohol potentiates and breaks down cannabanoids (hence why getting crossed is so crazy)#so.#serving size for the eddies? 1. 50mg. in fact on the back it recommended to cut in fourths.#well. instead of dividing by 4 i multiplied by 4#200mg psht thats nothing ive done more than that#which is true#but i was FUCKED UP when i did#and this time i had drank maybe like#a shot of vodka#MAYBE#and like at first i was like ooh yeah this is vibe oh yeah#then um. i realized it wasnt done hitting#and they were doing monthly room checks (dorm) during a 2 day period#one of which was my birthdya#well#i started getting scary high and it was like 8pm mind you theres no way they would come around at that time anyways even if they hadnt#checked already#it literally kept getting worse i kept checking out the peep hole my ass was looking UNDER THE DOOR every time i heard someone#oh my god if i wasnt stoned i wouldve had an anxiety attack (paradoxical bc i wouldnt have been anxious if i wasnt scary high)#eventually i literally could not keep my head up to Check For Danger and i passed out on my glasses#(note: i would NEVER!!!!!!!! SLEEP IN THE SAME SPACE AS MY GLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!! I TAKE CARE OF THEM!!!!!!!!!)#anyway i think i greened out#it was my first time doig that which is impressive because ive probably spent like a year out of the past 3 being super high all the time#and the other 2 were spent being mildly high#and i have definitely eaten more edibles than 200mg at once#but i surpose i havent drank as well#but ya thats my story about turning 21 and greening out for the first time after having an extreme anxiety episode#i was fr about to look through my roommates shit (she isnt here most of the time) for her xans LMAO
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Having a B3 overdose be like
#for the record im okay now#but an hour ago i thought i was dying of an allergic reaction#i felt like a vampire stepping out into the sun and catching fire#my whole face chest upper back elbows arms had red patches like hives#no itching no swelling no dizziness could still breathe and blood pressure was good#but i felt like i dived into a pool of lava#i seriously thought “oh shit this is spontaneous human combustion im gonna end up in a ripleys believe it or not special.”#“guess ill die!”#still monitoring symptoms in case i gotta hit the er tonight but I'm feeling better#ive been taking b3 for a long time and never had a response like this maybe my body is thinking fuck this shit we're done#i checked off everything ive drank and eaten today and listed my meds im confident its this shit#still gonna go to the docs tomorrow for a follow up#but if i can dodge a 10000+ ER charge to the medical debt i already carry imma do that#im too impoverished for the weewoo mobile guys#murica for ya#anyway if you take b3 watch your six on this shit#(i know i gotta take it seriously but seeing the humor and making fun of myself helps me cope)#magenta is my vent word
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ppffftthh
#i made coffee and drank water this morning purely by chanting stop being a wanker out loud at myself#i got out of the house and went to buy new foundation and felt like a fucking eyesore the whole time but i did it#i managed to play 30 minutes of disco elysium which is usually something i can do regardless of mood#i even logged into genshin for the first time in a whiiile to play the new questlines and couldn't even follow that#i bought sushi for lunch because maybe eating something fun and good would move me#i went for a nap. i've listened to half an episode of 3 different podcasts. i washed my face. i've had a shower#i edited the 3k alangaipa smut i've had written for weeks but am too chicken to post#i added 2 sentences to an akkayan fic i've halfheartedly been working on for a million years#i deliberately closed out of a gif i was working on because i'm the most annoying person on earth to me today#i want to burst into tears but they won't come#if anyone finds a spare sense of purpose i'll be staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out how to. something. idk.#ignore me i just needed to whinge#so it is decreed
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Pray for me fellow ibs warriors, I'm getting my ass beat today
#like my shit WOULD act up day before this stupid holiday...#im betting on the cold coffee i drank yesterday#i havent had coffee in a super long time no dairy but coffee by itself can be a problem#that or maybe brownies LMAO
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I've tried my second alcohol
Got more than a sip down this time
Don't like this one either
#first time i tried beer that was a huge bust#this time it was a buzzball#the flavor was good but the alcohol itself tasted really bad#it was vodka so i think i don't like vodka#in any case my adventures in drinking are few and far between#i drank maybe half of the thing and it's sitting on the counter and I'm just staring at it#now that I've had some i feel compelled to finish it but the taste and aftertaste of the vodka is so bad#fuck#anyway#drink responsibily
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When a bracelet I made that I really liked gets bought by a rich white Californian who made a mess in the store
#charlie talks#I sell some stuff I make at my work#and it’s like man. I wish that went to a fellow poor queer 😔#also girlie tried to grab and drink my already half drank protein shake#she was like oh is this my coffee? and before even getting the words out had lifted it to her face#girl no it’s half full and you JUST ordered it it’s not ready yet#also like. look at it even one time and you can tell that ain’t your coffee 😭#LA inhabitants are truly a different breed maybe that’s just the NY in me talking but yall crazy
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Yesterday I was musing about how I haven’t really had a bad nightmare since I went on SSRIs and then I proceeded to have a full blown night terror
#it was so so bad on so many levels#in the first part of my dream i had ordered edibles and shroom powder to be sent to my house (not surprising; i would do this)#and they got delivered by a man who looked completely judgemental of me#but i didn’t care because there was a hot woman there who made me shroom tea#it tasted terrible but i drank it all anyway. and had a weed gummie. and she had a ‘weed patch’ as well that she was trying to get me to put#on my stomach. but i was worried it’d be too potent#since my actual body was sober; i didn’t feel any of the effects of this drug within the dream (obviously) but i was operating under the#assumption they were going to kick in so i was really anxious#then this woman was going through my stuff and she found dead bodies?? like dessicated bodies of multiple people#and i was like ‘i don’t know who the hell that is. i guess they belong to whoever lived here before’#we weren’t in my actual house; we were in like a massive old four-storey house with an attic which i think was where the bodies were#in the dream this was MY house#then for whatever reason i went on a trip with this person i used to be friends with to her childhood home#which was suddenly in a really creepy neighbourhood#she suddenly had a sister who was maybe 11 years old and catatonic due to being demonically possessed. and this kid seemed to be the head#of a cult basically. she had something called the ‘angel guard’ under her thrall. and when i asked what the angel guard were#my friend was just casually like ‘oh they bury you alive’ WHAT?????#then someone unpeeled the weed patch and smacked it on me and i woke up just as i was about to be buried alive#i think there was more to it than this. there was also a creepy woman but i can’t remember the significance of her#it was just such an unnecessarily scary dream. i woke up at like 6am TERRIFIED#i haven’t had a nightmare in so long lol i’m unequipped to cope. especially since my dreams have gotten so much more vivid#now that i’m medicated. i feel like i’m fine with the vivid dreams most of the time but when they’re this bad.. no#personal
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I’m the type that can and will cry if think too hard <3
#random post#me tag ∠( ᐛ 」 ) |/#I’m not an overly emotional person in the stereotypical way. but I do get in my feels when thinking about life and the experience of living#I’m like. constantly explaining things to myself cus there’s never really a time or place to talk about it#also my method of explaining things is very not coherent sometimes. so it takes me a bit to really get my point across in a comprehensible#way. I’m a big thinker. I have many thoughts and ideas a views. a daily thing of mine is noticing problems#and then fixing them in my head with thought out explanations and motives and outcomes#it’s like I’m talking to someone else. much like how I format my text posts. that’s how my inner monologue is#me talking to myself is actually me talking to someone else. someone that isn’t real#anyways it’s a daily occurrence. every day of my life is spent with thoughts similar to those breaking down a movie#lots of thoughts from adhd. compulsive thoughts from ocd. overwhelming thoughts from autism. distressing thoughts from bpd#ya. this isn’t a vent I just need to like. see the thoughts in writing so I can do smth else. like eat this muffin ive been staring at for#over an hour now <3 mmmbfbg yea muffins are hard to eat now cus I had some with mold and food mold especially is a big nono for me#spend like. five minutes examining the damn thing before I even consider taking a bite. I’m very hungry an thirsty </3#when your mouth is so dry you can taste your own mouth 👍 I’m experiencing#nothing in particular. just experiencing. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like having an experience and living#drank my tea and I had like. hallucinations of like an alcohol prep pad. I’ve been using those in my ear cus. tmi. had a pimple that’s#causing problems so mom suggested that. it burned! which means it worked so word. I’ve noticed lately that both me AND my family have been#using ‘word’ a lot. dad says we’ve been saying it but no we haven’t. if we had I’d have BEEN saying it. maybe we’ve used it before for a bit#but now it’s back. idk. I’ve said it in class on more than one occasion lmao I don’t look like the type to say smth like that but whatever#it’s like when I used to say bro after every sentence like 10 years ago lol. we’re a family of parrots we repeat eachother a lot#I started saying I love you out of no where and they started doing it too. we whistle at eachother from across the house. sing ear worms#together. quote funny things at every opportunity and drive the joke into the ground. everyone in this house is a different kind of mentally#I’ll and it’s the most beautiful clash of personalities because we’re all so annoying and we love eachother so much and also our#communication is shit because some ppl have hearing loss and another is a short fused child and some are quick to interrupt and some dont#get a word in and some just can’t explain and some can’t understand. we get there eventually at some point. we don’t get the full grasp of#how much we love eachother yet. but we’re gettin there. anyways this went into several different directions but they’re all good ones#I think. if you read all this good on you! this is my brain 24/7/365 haha ok love you
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i haven’t been here in a while. life feels really weird and everything keeps changing. i have an internship for my major even after i graduated. i start in 2 weeks. I know ive been constantly scared of growing up and getting older since i was a child, but ever since i turned 21 during the pandemic its gotten worse. every year i mentally countdown the months until my birthday and it’s exhausting; its always like “ x months until im x age and never this young again”. ive just always been so scared of getting older, esp bc im a woman, and society hates older women. i think because im black, gay, a woman, and neurodivergent i feel as if youth is the only privilege i have, and with each passing hour its being stripped from me. i’m really scared. i’m really scared of turning 25 because thats the big number. it’s the number ppl use in online discourse abt adults in fandoms and how they shouldn’t be there anymore. it’s when ur not considered early 20’s anymore, it’s when u only have 5 years left til ur 30 and ur not allowed to make mistakes. i’m so scared. and i’ve never even dated before bc im still in the closet, and i can’t come out bc both sides of my family are super religious and will hate me. i’ve known ive like girls for 10 years and never had a teenage romance, or a college romance bc i went to college in my hometown and it was too risky. im not even particularly good at anything, i love art but im bad at time management and get discouraged easily so i haven’t reached my full potential. i could’ve been so good if i kept practicing. i basically coasted through school and i could’ve done so much better. if i hadn’t been so depressed during high school i could’ve actually gotten into a school outside my hometown or state and gone there. i’ve lived in the same place my whole life and im bored. if i did better in college maybe id have a shot at grad school or atleast more options. but now i have an internship, a full time one, for the entire summer. and then after that i have to find more work, and then more work, and then i’ll work until i die. and i’ll never have any fun youthful college experiences or teenage experiences to look back on. i lost my teens to mental illness, and i lost my early 20’s to the pandemic and then worse mental illness. i wish the pandemic never happened, i had just started at a 4 year college at 20, and was doing good and then it hit, and i got worse. this was really long, and no one will probably read this. but i had to let it out. i feel like no one in my life gets me. i’ve been so mentally ill for so long that everyone is numb to it. and i don’t even feel comfortable with my therapist bc ive had her since i was 15 and i have to eventually find a new one bc she specializes in adolescents and im her oldest client. i’m even too old for my therapist now.
#personal#this was so long#no one will read this#i’m so sad#maybe if my dad hadn’t died he would’ve pushed me more#and life would be different#but he died when i was 11#and mom had to work#and grandma was mean to me#and i got blamed for everything#and i was forced to go to church where being gay was wrong#and even now if i don’t go to church my mom is passive aggressive#i don’t think i’m ready to grow up#but i also want to move out and be able to live#but being able to move out and live means sacrificing time for money#and i’ll have to work for the rest of my life#idk what i’ll do when im no longer young#being young is everything#bring young is still having hope for the future#and having ur woke life ahead of u#and being able to be stupid#but now i’m getting older#and i soon won’t be allowed to be dumb#and it’ll be weird that i’ve never drank or dated#or have worn pretty clothes and gone to the club#i won’t be a cute quirk to like gay ships#i’ll be a weird old woman who likes looking at characters kids#i wish i was still a kid
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I’ll make myself tea, drink half of it, forget it, and then be less sure what i want to do when I find it again three hours later
#emma posts#it’s not warm#but I could make it warm?#am I still in the mood though?#it feels like a breakfast thing to me#when I was drinking it earlier I remembered how I used to down two cups worth of black tea with sweetener in the morning senior year#and maybe Junior year or whatever the one before it was#because I hate coffee but was barely holding on#and I’m like ‘I don’t know if it’s still a rule. but before one of my younger brothers graduated they made it so that the kids#could only drink clear liquids out of a clear bottle and I’m like. I think i would have died even faster#so many weird rules keep getting added after I’ve graduated and I’m like ‘these kids can’t have shit. huh?’#to be fair I was also on a very high dose of an adhd medication at that time so my heart was going so fucking fast#my childhood psychiatrist seemed to live by the philosophy of ‘if it worked before and isn’t enough now just take even more’#which probably (definitely) had a negative effect on me because of the side effects I was getting#new psychiatrist is like ‘maybe we should also consider trying other medications’ which is great. seriously#I’m not sure if my current one even existed when I was in school though#and I’m not sure it would have been enough but damn. the side effects are lesser#I’ve drank my current tea cold before. not black tea though#black tea goes cold and I’m out
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Genuinely thinking about giving at least some of my alcohol away. Not quite wanting to get rid of my favorite vodka flavors yet, but the other ones + the ciders in my fridge...
Just kinda don't want them lol
#speculation nation#i still haven't had any alcohol since february 14th & i still dont know if ill ever want to drink again#the thought of alcohol just kinda makes me sick now.#ive enjoyed it in the past but now it just makes me think about how my dad died from alcoholism.#ive never been a binge drinker bc if i have more than 4 drinks at a time it Will make me nauseous#and ive only really drank maybe once or twice a month. usually no more than once a week at the most.#so like it's not like ive had much of a problem with alcohol before now#but it's also been my go-to for calming down my brain when im freaking out#and i have a history of using it as a form of self harm.#so a part of me knows that alcohol isnt good for me. and a part of me is scared of turning out like my dad someday.#better to just have nothing to do with it entirely. i dont want it. i dont want anything to do with it.#but at the same time my peach and strawberry vodka bottles are still relatively new and relatively full#and it'd feel like a waste of money to just give it away...😭😭😭😭#so maybe ill hold onto those. for a bit longer. idk.#i dont even know if this current mindstate is gonna keep up. it's only been a bit over a month.#maybe someday i'll feel leas uncomfortable around alcohol again#... but today is not that day. i dont want this fucking alcohol.#negative/#i guess. im just kinda trying to sort out my thoughts on it.#self harm ment/
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WHAT??? you-?? hUH? ...you're so powerful
i'm an adult living alone for the first time ever with poor impulse control and a massive sweet and savory tooth. this was fated by the stars to happen i think. i'm like if sisyphus actively chose to roll the boulder up and down because he thought it looked nice tumbling down. so nice that maybe it would be worth the work it would take to get it up back up there so he could do it again. well. this isn't like that at all but you understand.
#fool me once shame on you#fool me like five more times except i knew damn well what was gonna happen and still did it anyway uh. still shame on you.#it really did taste good though......#it had a nice tang to it! it was salty and fruity and like when you get perfume in your mouth#would've maybe tasted good mixed with some tajin on an actual grilled mango....maybe.......#but i made myself stop eating it before i could try it because the last time i did it the stomach pain was really bad and my mouth stung#and i was scared i was gonna need to go to poison control#but tbh i was more scared i was gonna need to EXPLAIN what i did and why to poison control#embarrassment may very well be the one reason my liver is still intact. thanks embarrassment 👍#ok i can't blame this on no one being there to stop me i've been doing shit like this forever#it's really not even the worst thing i ever put in my mouth honestly#i drank hair oil a few times. i ate strawberry pound cake scented lotion. i drank a little bit of motor oil.#i licked nail polish because i wanted to see if it tasted like it smelled. it did not. it tasted so bad.#genuinely a miracle how i'm still alive and healthy. you're nothing to me kid. i'm god's special little princess and i'm never gonna die#fortunes told (asks)
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Okay, so I opened a fic with Striders in it and randomly wanted to put on Borderlands 3 ambient music in the background (I'm having a depressed episode rn and wanted comfort.) And I thought Oh... There would be A War over who gets to be Zer0 in BL2. (Bc they won't do a double Zer0 run, let's face it, there can only be one.)
(( Shit fuck. Borderlands 1 happened in OCTOBER 2009. They never would've seen it in canon. Fuck it. Non-Sburb AU this mothafucka, they'll play all of 'em. #BLstuck ))
#blstuck#(doesnt look like anyones actively using that tag so if u dont wanna see me crossover this block that)#homestuck#borderlands#bro#dave#striders#i just wanna see them do something normal rn im so depressed sorry for tagging all that but i want this organized on on my blog#i think theyd get a kick out of this game and make their own in jokes and have fun#and maybe beat each other up for who gets a claim to zer0#bro wins that one#but then tps happens nd dave pulls a fast one and suddenly he gets claim to the doppelganger#(bro takes revenge by picking you-know-who bc dave hates him)#but seriously tho ugh i wanna go back to playing bl3 for the first time like i had to play alone but i still had so much fun#i can feel the dry heat of pandora. i can taste the pumpkin spice bagels and lattes i drank on promethia#i can feel the staticky mist spraying off the waterfall in the cartels one#i can taste the jambalaya i made while playing eden 6#i can feel the chilly ectoplasm blasting from captain haunt#and the tentacles in guns love and tentacles#and the spores in nekrotafeyo#fuck is thaf how u spell it its been so long since i played#i havent kept up w the fandom since bl3 bc life stuff happened#anyway... might drW this later i like the idea of a random result rather thN picking my own choice#sorry for rambling#OBLIGATORY: 'DISCLAIMER: i'M HI (HIGH)' TAG#depression#Cori.exe#Poll.exe#Post.exe#fuck why are polls only 1 day or 1 week ugh i guess 1 day
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when the weed starts tasting like the realization that I'm still deeply lonely and I'll never be loved how I need and it's selfish of me to even want it
#I'm kind of such a pathetic person jesus christ#maybe I'm in love with him. maybe I'm just deeply lonely#either way jesus christttt grow up get over it oh my god#kind of is it abnormal to feel like I've slept through the past multiple months of my life#and wake up realizing there's a hole in my chest that can never be filled and a crack in my head that can never be mended#hole in chest = deep wrenching desire for connection. crack in head = inability to keep up with my daily life#god I'm so whiny literally get over it is it ever that serious. oh elliott. is it ever really that bad.#thinking abt that time I thought that if I drank enough I could be uninhibited enough to ask for physical affection#and then spent 3 hrs throwing up. erm. not my proudest moment#kind of need to get so fucked up I get taken care of again. kind of need to be cradled in someone's arms#<- most annoying person on the planet oh my god. I hate u ppl who yearn online literally grow uppp u sound pathetic#need someone to study me. need someone to know me inside and out. need someone to be interested in hearing every thought I've ever had#need to be treated like god's specialest little princess. need to be someone's hyperfixation.#okay I've reached self-parody levels. it's bedtime#narcissus's echoes#vent
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what a time to be alive!
#I drank 3 fantas this week which is 3 more than normal#Tastes like the color orange yum#ANYWAY I’ve got a ton of art lately but my screen time has skyrocketed so maybe I’ll slow an ounce down LOL#next fob vibe down#this album literallly fucks so hard I will loop it so many times#cfv#cardfight!! vanguard#kai toshiki#starbursts art#I LOVE orange and pink together it looks like my my little pony I had as a kid + my dad likes it too#I like this song a TON but maybe I’ll keep that to myself teehee#It made me think of these colors
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SNORK FUCKING MIMIMI
#my day started at 11AM. ELEVEN. AM. let that sink in. and has just now ended at 3am. (three in the morning. am. 3am. three am.)#i am SLEEPY i cant feel MY LEGS#like we all got ready at 11am. we went to spoons breakfast. we pre'd until like 2/3#AND THEN WE WENT TO THE HORSE RACES! BC THERE WAS A STUDENT DAY THING! IT WAS SO FUN! MUCH BETTER THAN LAST TIME!#and we were there until like? 9? i think?#and then we come home to get our shit together. had a chinese. drank some more. and then we went to the club#and we stayed until close bc when i TELL YOU the dj did not play a single skip song#it was just banger after banger i think ive lost my voice#but oh my god my POOR LITTLE LEGS#I WAS IN HEELS THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS AT THE RACES#6/7 HOURS IN HEELS JUST TO TAKE THEM OFF TO GO CLUBBING??? OW#IM GOD'S STRONGEST SOLDIER TBFH#ALL THAT WAITRESSING DID ME GOOD APPARENTLY MY FEET ARE STRONGER THAN SISYPHUS ON THEIR OWN#FUCK THAT ROCK BOY#ow. ow ow ow. but it was such a good day so idc. i met a guyyyyy <3#i also fucking body checked this one girl and i feel a bit bad bc she was so clearly having her teen coming of age moment in the club#like white girl dancing hands over her head twirling etc. unfortunately for her AND ME that involved bumping into me repeatedly#and like? she kept turning to us to try make us dance with her but me and my mates were having a lot of fun in our little trio so we didn't#which yeah maybe that was mean but tbh if someone did that to me id take no for an answer the first time instead of repeatedly doing it#like she was acting like she was empowering us and freeing us from the shackles of insecurity when rlly we were just like girl no#and she WOULD NOT GET THE FUCK OFF ME like zero spacial awareness to her#the irony of clubs is like yeah obvs ur surrounded by people but it's also looked down upon if ur seriously in someone's space#so i just wasn't having it and in the end i just fully fucking SHOVED her off lmfaoooo. sorry girlie <3#like i felt embarassed for her bc of it like she was so in her own little world and i absolutely ruined it but idc#be aware of other people and their comfort bitch!#anyway yeah it was very fun all in all <3#hella goes to uni
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