#and what meaningful conclusion were we presented from it? fucking NOTHING

[amphtaminedreams]

General Elections & the Race to the Bottom Ft. Zionism, Transphobia, and a Shout Out to Shithead Starmer: Thoughts No.2 (it's Always & Forever, FCK THE TORIES)

I haven’t written about politics for a couple of years now I suppose because nothing, especially when it comes to the Conservatives, shocks me anymore. Anything I read about them in the news doesn’t elicit much beyond a “just as I thought, trash” kinda response. I disengaged with current events because I’ve felt defeated and like it’s all just beyond my control, like no amount of anger we express or hurt they cause seems to change anything. Even when enough of a scandal emerges that mainstream British media is forced to report on it, it seems to blow over soon enough. Don’t know if we forgive, but it seems like we definitely always forget, regardless of how vile the ethical transgressions are. 

It speaks to my privilege that I’ve been able to tap out and passively hate the government; for a lot of vulnerable groups, the policies that I can sit here and criticise without consequence directly impacts them in ways that make day to day life unbearable. I’m not in that position. For sure, I’m struggling financially, and I have watched others (and myself in the past) be let down by NHS services repeatedly but like, these are circumstances I can endure because I’m not grasping at straws to survive as is the case for these groups. The increasing rate of climate change fills me with dread on a day to day basis but because the part of the world I live in is relatively untouched, this sense of detachedness allows me to delude myself into thinking that things can’t really be as bad as they seem and ya know, somebody might invent something in the meantime to reverse it. Up 'til now, it's the only thing that stops me from questioning what the point of anything is. This is possible only because I have the luxury of never being present to witness the place I’ve grown up in become inhabitable. I’ve never had to directly confront climate change in a way that is immediately threatening to my livelihood. So like I say, I am ridiculously privileged to be able to look at politicians like Rishi Sunak, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Priti Patel, and the rest of them, pushing us further away from commitments to slow climate change and do little beyond thinking of fucking course, what else would I expect from tight-fisted, near-sighted, arrogant and uncaring individuals as them and the rest of the upper class who all, I imagine believe that, when the time comes, they can pull a Kimberley Kardashian and hire their private firefighters, or hop on whatever new iteration there is of SpaceX a couple of decades from now, and escape from the carnage.

Anyway, going back to the point, I kinda came to the conclusion (yep, the one everyone has been screaming for years) that the entire political system in the West is kinda rigged:-)

Everything about it was making me angry. Joined the Labour Party under Corbyn, and within a few months of Starmer taking over, I left. The only sentiment I had post-Corbyn was a somewhat tepid belief that perhaps the Labour Party were the slightly lesser of 2 evils. Since then, this difference is so marginal, it is meaningless, which is no better summarised than by Keir Starmer’s refusal to condemn Israel’s actions despite their being in violation of international human rights laws against collective punishment, and moreover, DESPITE HIM BEING A FORMER HUMAN FUCKING RIGHTS LAWYER. This, along with his vocal agreement with Rishi Sunak’s public declaration of transphobia has all but confirmed his label as the “opposition” to the PM is redundant. I say this as if his contributions to both these issues are really not just the icing on the cake of his failure to hold the Conservatives responsible in any meaningful way since he was elected the Labour leader, which they 1000% are.

Where this has caused me to pretty much disengage with politics the last couple of years and instead become resigned to the declining state of the country, his outright agreement with some of the tremendously harmful stances Rishi Sunak has taken over the last month have me absolutely fucking FUMING. When the lines between the motivations of the 2 dominant political parties start to blur to this extent and the mainstream media does nothing but reinforce their ideologies, essentially nothing more than to preserve the wealth of the establishment, it starts to feel like we are heading towards what is, for all intents and purposes, a single party state. I’m sure when the next general election comes, Starmer will run a bullshit campaign on the promise of change, but so far his actions point to him being in favour of nothing of the sort. Who knows, maybe people are so sick and tired of life under the Conservatives that they will vote based on empty promises. If we can all be vocal in identifying the principles of the insidious playbook the majority of prominent politicians seem to ascribe to at present, however, and the harm and damage it does, maybe (don’t get me wrong, my hope that this will actually happen is minute) Labour MPs will realise that they need to do something fundamentally differently if they want to win an election. That means no more deflection away from the decisions politicians make to retain their status and privilege by targeting and villainising the groups that these decisions often directly threaten. IDK if it’s just that being in anorexia recovery has the cogs in my brain working efficiently enough to be able to see over the parapet of the obsessive food and body image trenches, and that this is what’s facilitating me feeling so repulsed by the stances our political leaders have taken over the last month, but regardless, something about this recent bullshit feels particularly morally reprehensible and like we all need to be talking about it. Wilful ignorance for the sake of wellbeing be damned because the normalisation of transphobia by the Prime Minister and leader of the opposition as well as their unequivocal support of the Israeli government’s ethnic cleansing in the name of “self-defence” is EVIL. Never has the complete disregard of intrinsic human rights and dignity, self-determination and quality of life for all in the name of greed, pride, and ego been so clear, and it feels wrong to be complacent. The 1% believe themselves to be the only people governing this country because their threshold for competent governance is not to create and maintain a system that preserves its citizens’ wellbeing indiscriminate of demographic, which is what a government is supposed to fucking do, but instead uphold their own privilege and frequently, unearned economic advantage of the in-group they belong to. They mistake the cycle of wealth they come from given this has been the reigning doctrine for the last 40 years (though on a smaller scale it has undoubtedly occurred since the beginning of time) as proof that they earned the responsibility of their jobs. So business as usual is the bar. The rest of us can fuck off. 

But people are angry. A lot of people don’t know why they are angry, or the mental energy to know who they are angry at, they just know their money doesn’t go as far as it used to, the towns they live in are turning into shitholes, poverty is more visible than ever, and their lives are dominated by jobs which stagnated wages make increasingly soul-crushing as more and more businesses cut hours to either increase the profits of the 1% or because, especially if they belong to government funded civil services, their employers can no longer afford them. That’s why they’re angry. And let’s simplify that, because as much as the Tories like to blame it all on past governments, DESPITE being in power for 13 years now, here is a simple bit of cause and effect:

Effect: Fear of Job Security and the Lack of Viable Government Safety Nets

I think most people can agree that unemployment shouldn’t equate to starvation or homelessness. But hey! You are Sophie and the Tories Universal Credit system is here to give you the wonderful choice between one or the other. Aren’t they gracious?

Cause:

The rising cost of living in tandem with an increase in benefit sanctions, the 42 day delay in UC payment, and the decision to decrease benefits across the board means that more people than ever are finding themselves in rent arrears and using foodbanks to eat enough to survive. In recent days, the government have even planned on reforming the way that disability payments are made; the proposed new system would do away with requiring applicants to undergo an interview process (which many already report to be a distressing process where they are made to feel, despite already having provided legitimate evidence to support their claims, they must “prove” they are unwell enough to face obstacles in holding down a typical job) and instead oblige them to meet with a work coach who determines if they are “making enough effort” to find a job or else face sanctions. 

To get down to the numbers:

As of November 2023, a single person receives just £83 per week in Universal Credit. This is intended to cover everything from food and transport to bills and basic household needs. This falls short of the £120 P/W the Trussell Trust calculated as the minimum amount required to cover these things.

85.5% of foodbank users reported they rely on Universal Credit for their income; the clear implication here is that as predicted, UC payments are not enough to cover even the most basic necessities (Trussell Trust, State of Hunger survey, 2019).

The number of people who do depend on food banks has reached unparalleled numbers in recent years, steadily increasing since 2010. To put this into perspective, the number of food packages handed out per year has increased from 60,000 in 2010 to 2.5 million in 2022 (Alex Collinson, the Tribune, 2022).

Between 2022 and 2023, the number of children in food poverty doubled, with an additional 4,000,000 children now falling beneath this line. This is unsurprising, given the rate of inflation on groceries has risen to a record high of 17.1% between 2022 and 2023. UC has not been increased to reflect this (Patrick Butler, the Guardian). 

This is perhaps reflective of the fact that where only parents were using food banks before, with UC being enough to cover meals for the children if the parents sacrificed their own meals, this amount no longer even covers the nutritional requirements of a child.

So! What has changed so drastically since 2010? Crazy coincidence but that’s ALSO the year One Direction bestie David Cameron introduced the UC system as a replacement for the existing benefits system. All this to say that the government safety net, which one would think should provide the means for people to literally survive, doesn’t actually do that. Starvation tends to be a bit of a health and safety risk, babes, I would know xo

Bottom line, UC denies people access to things that should be basic human rights on the basis of what? That they don’t have a job? To quote Charlie Kelly:

Okay, assume an individual truly just can’t be fucked to get a job. Assume all jobs are fulfilling and meaningful and that the same can be said of the application process, that every job industry is a meritocracy where nepotism ceases to exist. Assume alll jobs, regardless of sklls required, pay enough on full time hours to have at least a little bit left to do a couple of nice things and treat yourself at the end of the month. Assume that we aren’t experiencing another of what we were told after 2008 would be a once in a lifetime economic recession. Assume that the majority of people who are on Jobseeker’s Allowance are not disabled and physically incapable of working (go out and get better! Lazy fucks! They say. Oh yes, hang on a minute whilst I go and put myself on the 2000 year long NHS waiting list to get the bare minimum course of treatment so I’m well enough to get a shit job which makes me too depressed to leave the house alllll over again). Does that mean they deserve to starve? Sleep in shop doorways when it's -2 degrees? And what about children of parents on UC? Do they deserve it to for the crime of being born to those “lazy fucks”? Because there are more children living in poverty in the UK than ever.

Lovely stuff:-)

Speaking of those beautiful waiting lists…

Effect: Collapse of the NHS:

-The number of people on waiting lists for non-urgent care has now bypassed 7,200,000. This refers to procedures like hip replacements, hernia repairs and cataract removal. Where the targeted referral period should be no longer than 18 weeks (a regulation that was introduced in 2004), as of 2023, 410,983 of this 720 million have been waiting over a year (Denis Campbell, the Guardian).

-The total number of excess deaths in 2022 was among the highest recorded since the aftermath of the Second World War, according to figures from the Continuous Mortality Investigation (CMI). In December 2022, the number of people who passed away in their homes rather than in hospital care was 40% higher than the 5 year average (bearing in mind this 5 year period includes the pandemic). Though this is argued to be “speculation” as we “don’t know how many people chose to die at home rather than in hospital and left it late to seek medical help for this reason” (lmao) this figure should be considered in the context of an increase in average wait times for category 2 ambulances from 18 minutes to over an hour. Category 2 ambulances refer to those dispatched to attend to patients in need of urgent care, suffering life threatening medical crises which include  heart attack and stroke. So really. If we are honest about why more people than ever are dying at home, the answer is right there. The difference between waiting 18 minutes for an ambulance during a heart attack and over an hour is life or death. And in its current state, the outcome under NHS care is death.

-Even if you get to hospital, the roulette wheel of life or death don’t stop spinning under the Conservatives. Analysis by LCP Actuaries suggested that as many as 500 deaths a week could be caused by delays in A&E; in November 2022, the number of people who waited over 12 hours to be admitted to hospital after being seen in A&E was greater than the total number of people who waited over 12 hours to be admitted to hospital after being seen in A&E throughout the entire 9 year period between 2011 and 2020. This 500 per week figure is based on the LCP’s estimation from the data that for every 72 people waiting more than 12 hours to be admitted to hospital, one of those 72 will die in that waiting period compared to the 2010 average (Daniel Dunford for Sky News, January 2023). We can also assume that many who present at urgent care are there because non-urgent conditions have become urgent during the waiting period. 

-Is it so fucking wild that being this overstretched, seeing more suffering and having even fewer recourses to cope with it than ever, NHS workers would want a pay rise? I mean, it’s pretty fucking fair to me. At the very least, I would like to think they deserve a pay rise that even if not accounting for the added burden they’re taking on at work, does account for rising cost of living to avoid a situation where, in real terms, they’re actually making less money than they were when the job was more manageable. But no! Below inflation pay increases mean that in real terms, NHS staff have been facing consistent cuts to their wages. To produce a few specific examples, paramedics’ real pay is down by £6,700 compared to 2010, nurses’ are down by £5,200 and maternity care assistants’ are down by £4,300 (TUC report, June 2022). So yeah! Clap for the NHS guys, says the government! Just don't fucking treat them with empathy and respect for doing one of the hardest jobs a person can possibly do by rewarding them in the material terms we quite clearly know from our own pay rises (which there is conveniently always enough money for) are what make an actual difference.

-All this has resulted in a record number of healthcare professionals leaving the profession as of October 2022 according to the Health Service Journal’s report. For anyone who doubts that, I hope this quote summarising the overwhelming responses of NHS staff when an internal survey was conducted puts your mind to rest: results show "40% of staff had felt unwell because of work-related stress, 21% wanted to quit the NHS, 78% experienced unrealistic time pressures and fewer than a third felt their organisation took firm action to improve staff wellbeing.” (Mark Britnell, the Guardian)

-Of course, the party play ignorant as to why on earth this might be (those selfish doctors and nurses, am I right?) in spite of workers making the answers to this question ridiculously clear, time and time again. When Jeremy Hunt attempted to pass a bill which may somewhat remedy the issue, and called for an independent commission of ministers to estimate the number of nurses and doctors that will be needed over the next 5-20 years and how this can be done, it was blocked by the majority of MPs (Polly Toynbee, the Guardian). Yeah, the opportunity for the government to fix this staff shortage they blame the entirety of the NHS’ problems on is apparently not enough of a problem for them to actually do something about it. Shocker! It suits them perfectly well to have a ready conveyer belt of scapegoats as I will go onto in a bit and when it comes to the NHS, which the average member of the British public will agree is falling apart regardless of political leaning, NHS employees are the ones to blame. BTW, do not take the Jeremy Hunt mention as a defence of him, lmao. He has very much earned the title his critics give him.

-This staff shortage is further contributed to by the large portion of the NHS workforce held up by immigrants to the UK (with frontline staff from 212 nationalities consistently working harder and longer considering the salaries they are paid, Dolin Bhagawati, the Independent) who have since left the country courtesy of the hostile environment created by the government. Honestly, who can fucking blame them when Conservatives have spent the last 10 years in the blaming them for, like, every problem ever? Be it the need for excessive benefits actions, council housing waiting lists, and job shortages over the past decade-nothing to see here, it's just those pesky immigrants! It is no surprise that when Brexit came around, and this carefully cultivated culture of xenophobia mixed with outright lies about just how much our membership of the EU was “bringing us down”, that the majority vote was to leave. The result of this was a slew of deportations, refusals of settled status and a voluntary exodus in the aftermath, with the NHS being badly hit. The most fucking audacious thing about all this is whilst continuing to oust them, whilst continuing to pretend immigrants drain the recourses of this country, the truth is the polar opposite: a study conducted by Oxford University in 2015, (a University which may I remind you all was attended by several top tory ministers themselves, from which one would reasonably assume they view as a reliable source of information unless they wish for us to question their own credentials:-) ) surveying 125 million patient records found that a 10 percentage-point increase in migrants leads to reduced waiting times of nine days for outpatient referrals, with no effect on waits for A&E or elective care.

-And in spite of all of this, the pleas from both employees and the public for the government to act, in real terms, are looking at yet more NHS funding cuts of £20 billion by 2024. If that isn’t enough of a reason to demand better, and understand that these people do not give a fuck about the lives of the average human being then I do not. Know. What. Is. This is the truth of the matter. They will claim otherwise with bold face lies. Remember how “40” new hospitals turned into 6? The maths ain’t maths-ing, and all that.

Cause:

Again, I ask, what has changed in the last 10 years to see this drastic reduction in the capabilities of the NHS? Why the refusal to do anything meaningful to solve the crisis? Drum roll, please! That’s it, it’s government policy! We’re talking annual NHS budget increases being slashed by over HALF the rate they were annually increased under Tony Blair, 3.6% a year under his administration to 1.5% under David Cameron. And why? If the response of the COVID crisis is anything to go by, the dismantling of the NHS to be sold off to the highest bidders and party donors, just as Jeremy Corbyn predicted a few years ago, is not a last resort but actually, the preferable outcome. Don’t even get me started about the mental health treatment crisis in the NHS. For real. That’s a whole new post in and of itself, from waiting lists that stretch to upwards of 6 months even for those experiencing a mental health crisis, less inpatient beds than ever, and the increasing number of professionals leaving the job. 

Effect: Your hometown’s gotten GRIM

Funding for publicly accessible infrastructure is lower than ever. It’s not limited to the NHS either. This is despite a growing population. You could take my anecdotal evidence of how the police put me on hold like I’m on the phone to the fucking Ryanair refund devision when I called 999 from work the other day to attempt to get them to come to intervene in a quickly escalating altercation between one of the many crack addicts who steal from the store and the security guard, or how they’ve taken about 2-3 hours to arrive when I’ve had to call them to help with situations there before BUT as a fan of numbers myself, here are some to paint a clear picture of how and why all public sector services from the police force and the legal system, to local libraries, parks, state schools (guess where the money they so desperately need are being diverted to tehe) are all being similarly drained, i.e why everywhere outside central London is turning into a shithole.

Cause:

-Between 2010 and 2020, funding for public libraries reduced from £1 billion to £750,000,000. Unsurprisingly, this resulted in upwards of 700 libraries being forced to shut during this period. Some people may not see the significance of this but it can’t be understated how many depend on libraries to access services they can’t otherwise afford, whether it’s to support their education and level a playing field which increasingly demands students self-fund various elements of their curriculum or degree/qualification, use IT facilities to apply for jobs, pay bills etc. or even just to read to give themselves a bit of joy in life! Any one of these things could be vital to someone trying to grow and develop. How can we expect someone who’s recovering from addiction, and experiencing homelessness, or who is trying to rehabilitate themselves after a stint in prison, for example, to build themselves a fulfilling life if everything that gives the average person joy, and provides healthy and enriching social support, is kept behind a paywall?

-City councils, responsible for the management and maintenance of a multitude of areas and services (e.g. open green spaces, rubbish collection and recycling, parks, and leisure centres to name a few) throughout the region they cover, have faced real term reductions in government funding of £15 billion between 2010 and 2020. This has led to increases in council tax to plug this gap. Youth services, which are absolutely vital to ensure equal opportunities for young people going through arguably the most influential stage of their life, in terms for how they’re set up for the future, have been particularly badly hit. To illustrate the point, the YMCA reported in November  2022 that the government expenditure diverted to local authorities specifically for Youth Services has decreased in real terms from £1.48 billion in 2010 to £379m in 2020, which represents a decrease in funding of 74%.

-Education has faced huge cuts, £10 billion in real terms between 2010 and 2020, and it’s absolutely no fucking surprise whatsoever that schools in the most disadvantaged areas have been hit hardest; the Institute of Fiscal Studies reported a 14 per cent real-terms fall in spending per pupil between 2009/10 and 2019/20 for those studying at schools with the highest levels of deprivation compared with a 9 per cent drop for the least deprived schools (all figures from Sam Gelder for the Big issue). This translates to higher numbers of pupils per teacher, fewer teaching assistants, fewer recourses to support special educational needs, and outdated curriculums and technology, which has a knock on effect on pupils’ ability to deal with the demands of higher education and the workplace. The decreased quality of learning those already experiencing the effects of food poverty or falling through the social services nets which are intended to protect children from harm and uphold safe home environments fails young people in setting them up for the their future. I could go all psychology undergrad here and waffle on about the effects of growing up around parental stress as a result of financial strain, illness, absenteeism due to long work hours and necessary overtime just to provide for the family, and harmful gene-environment interactions, and how this has consistently shown to have statistically significant negative effects on long term outcomes but I think we all have enough anecdotal evidence to know that our relationships with our parents, the safety of our home environment, our leisure opportunities and all that jazz are massively influential in our life paths. Bearing in mind I went to a good state school and am generalising to those in a similar average, middle class neighbourhood, I think most of us knew people in school who weren’t necessarily suited to traditional ways of learning and assessment but worked their fucking arse off and wanted to learn, and have done well for themselves because of that. But imagine if you’re in a class where teachers are too overstretched to do anything other than recycle the same PowerPoints they’ve used for 10 years, have too many students to provide one to one support, and are practically inaudible amongst a bunch of noisy other kids who may see the opportunity to socialise as the highlight of their day if they have a crap home life. I have been in the situation where the teacher is genuinely giving a good lesson but cannot hold the room because there’s so much disruption on account of numbers and reciprocal distraction going on amongst classmates-that may be the nerdiest statement I’ve ever come out with but it genuinely used to make me sad seeing them properly try only for it to fall on deaf ears. When learning is taught in a way presuming one size fits all due to teachers deprived of the time or energy to be flexible and attentive, those who don’t learn in that very rigid way are bound to struggle. When we look at how all these factors borne of reduced government funding can accumulate to limit the ability of young people to succeed and get where they want to be in life, to be inspired and encouraged to learn regardless of external influences, falling GCSE and A-level results running parallel to funding cuts paint a clear picture of the claims of economic mobility for the "hard working" and this country being a "true meritocracy" by the Tories is a load of shite. Though it appears the attainment gap between private and public schools may actually be narrowing in recent years, the attainment gap over the last 20 years pertaining to the students from high-income households vs. low-income remains unchanged. This is best summarised by the following quote from the Institute for Fiscal Studies: “While GCSE attainment has been increasing over time, 16-year-olds who are eligible for free school meals are still around 27 percentage points less likely to earn good GCSEs than less disadvantaged peers.” (Sally Weale, the Guardian).

Effect: We’re all broke asf and it feels like we always will be

Rent, bills, fuel, groceries, pretty much everything is more expensive than ever, and for young people especially, it feels as though even the guarantee of a roof over our heads let alone owning property is tenuous. A recent survey Together Through This Crisis initiative revealed that nearly 40% of people end the month with no money left, while 24% run out of money for essentials either most months or most days. And yep, can confirm, at least on my end anyway. The Gym Group just slid into my text messages for the second month in a row to let me know my direct debit payment bounced and that I will consequently be charged an extra £15 admin fee when they attempt to charge me again in 10 days. Thankfully, payday will have come by then but given I haven’t been able to afford Christmas presents yet, I imagine it’ll be a similar situation next month. It probably doesn’t count as the kind of essential these kinds of surveys are talking about but anorexia recovery weight restoration (and then some) has me truly on the struggle bus and the gym is absolutely critical in getting me through that. Sure, I probably spend way too much on vaping too. All that being said, I have had to borrow money until payday to do my weekly food shop far more times than I'd like to this year. Fuck getting my eyelashes done or fixing my godawful roots or any vanity costs or anything like that being within budget rn. I’m trying to lean into being in my ugly era but honestly, it fucking sucks stressing about being able to afford day to day life, let alone thinking about spending money on stuff just for my own leisure or happiness. I work 30+ hours most weeks, which I don’t expect to let me live a life of luxury when it’s a retail line management job, but we’re understaffed AF, you rarely have time for a proper break in a 9 hour shift, and you’re running around like a headless chicken trying to get everything done the whole time. You’d think for the amount of stress the salary would at least cover the cheapest gym membership on offer but not in this economy fellas:-)

With that little self-indulgent ramble off my chest, let’s get back to the facts.

Cause:

Though the sharp increase in cost of living was arguably not necessarily intended, because ya know, like everyone is pissed about this, including the people who would overlook the other things to vote conservative, and they need the votes, it has been a long time coming given the way the Conservatives have 1). failed to plan for anything beyond coming out on top in their ongoing power struggles and 2). promoted corporate greed, for the last 10 years. The tories would like people to believe that they are prioritising the housing crisis, rising rent, inflation etc. because they want to honour the average person’s grievances but let’s be clear, their priority is and always has been the preservation of wealth within a certain subsection of society, and anything they do outside of that to address the issues this has created is damage control. Empty promises and inaction, essentially. This includes: 

Failure to act on Legislation to Restore the Balance Between Tenants and Landlords: Whilst the waters are slightly murkier when it comes to capping rent increases by social housing landlords (caps on rent increases have been proposed but in real terms, this is going to make little difference given years of neglecting the issue of affordable housing by the Conservatives), private landlords continue to get away with whatever the hell they want, and yep, can personally vouch for that one too. The desperate attempt to paint over black mould that our landlord claimed had 0 to do with structural issues and allll to do with our “not heating the flat properly” (the multiple plumbing problems over the past 2 years, the numerous tins of identical solidified white paint previous tenants had brought stored in the outside cupboard, and evidence of previous coats of paint over the same area suggest otherwise but hey ho, don't you just love the burden of proof being on the tenant!) in our last few hours left in the place after the new proposed rental contract increased the monthly cost for my 2 flatmates and I by £150 each due to the “cost of living” and we had to move out, because he wouldn’t tell me how much he’d deduct from the deposit because of the problem…that was fun! I hope he really enjoys all the money he got from selling the property once we were gone. Hope that covers your cost of living, buddy:-) But anyway, it’s illustrative of a larger issue, where most of us are out of options, and have to just put up with this kind of thing, because the situation isn’t any better elsewhere. An early 2023 poll by YouGov indicated millions of private tenants in England were “stretched to breaking point”, with almost 2.5 million renters either behind or constantly struggling to pay rent, a number which had increased by 45% since April 2022.

Despite repeatedly claiming that restoring tenant rights was a key party objective, even including an end to Section 21 in their 2019 Manifesto and sparking a degree of backlash from Landlords in return, as of October 2023 the Conservative Government have further delayed legislation banning no-fault evictions. Coincidentally (so by absolutely no coincidences whatsoever), 68 sitting conservative MPs act as landlords for multiple properties, constituting 1/5 of their majority (John Stevens, the Mirror). This has been blamed on the need to clear court backlogs which have increasingly become an issue in the context of yet more funding cuts being faced throughout the criminal justice system. 

On this note, it’s worth taking you on a little side quest here to give you this fun fact:

There is a backlog of 60,000 criminal court cases, with 75% of individuals under the care of the criminal justice system still awaiting sentencing (Catherine West for HamHigh, October 2023). I don’t state this for the sake of scaremongering and spreading a “more criminals than ever are running loose on your streets! Beware, feeble citizen!” Rhetoric because yes, whilst it is true there are a number of dangerous individuals who have not yet been prosecuted due to the collapsing criminal justice system (I’m not going to list all the reported cases of sexual predators who have fallen through the net of just sentencing due to this chaos and gone onto reoffend but they’re out there if you wish to read up on it for yourself), we have plenty of dangerous individuals also presiding over our country who will never see any kind of sentence not because of the justice system their complacency and greed has helped destroy but because they got cash moneys! The point in this is that prisons are intended to rehabilitate. There is a good chance that many repeat offenders would never have reoffended if prisons were fit for their intended purpose. Instead, given a lack of substantial wider investment, reform, and strain on court and community services to support rehabilitation post-imprisonment, the issue of severe overcrowding (which was reportedly the case in over 60% of UK prisons in 2015 according to a report published as part of a parliamentary inquiry) and staff resignations create an environment which is at best chaotic, and at worst, traumatising for all those incarcerated, reflected by incidences of self-harm and violence being higher than ever. This points to a system which operated in a way completely antithetical to the aim of aiding reintegration of offenders to their communities. Despite a pledge of £1.3 billion to create 10,000 new prison places by 2020, the Public Accounts Committee reported in September of that year that just 206 of these have been fulfilled. In fact, a £900 million maintenance backlog to Victorian era prisons results in a loss of 500 prison placements each year. 

If the knock on the effect of the £18 billion cost by reoffending doesn’t summarise the complete lack of foresight on the part of Conservative ministers, I don’t know what does. You would think anyone with a single oxygenated brain cell would predict this being an outcome of court closures, reduced numbers of judges, police and local authority cut backs etc. etc. but nope! The solution is outsourcing incarceration overseas? Yep. Don’t let immigrants into the country but demand that the simultaneously most vulnerable and dangerous individuals, not uncommonly in that predicament because of a Conservative Party engineered absence of opportunities, guidance, and safety within their communities, become their problem. Sounds fair. 

Anyway! To get back to the cost-of-living crisis, starting with: 

-Housing: Despite demand for social housing increasing drastically over the last 10 years (homelessness reportedly doubled between 2010 and 2018, with a February 2023 report by the Metro revealing a 74% increase in rough sleeping since the Conservative Government took power), there are now 200,000 fewer council homes available than there were in 2010, and the building of new houses has fallen by 80% (John Healy, Labour Shadow Secretary of State for Housing). In efforts to meet targets set for the development of what constitutes “affordable housing”, this threshold was increased to include houses up to £450,000, at which price the corresponding deposits and mortgage payments are realistically within the budget of a fractional portion of first time buyers; consequently, 800,000 fewer households under 45 own their home than was reported in 2010.

-According to a report by the National Audit Office in 2019, not one of the 200,000 “starter homes” promised in 2015 by Conservative Ministers have been built. Instead, the £151 million set aside for this project has been used to buy and remediate land which has been sold to developers. In this context, it is no surprise that the number of households which fall under the privately rented sector have increased by over one million since 2010. 

-Let’s talk about the BILLS too: Britiain has always been in a vulnerable spot when it comes to energy, with our domestic gas storage levels significantly lower than many other countries at comparative levels of economic development. Successive Conservative government ministers’ lack of impetus to invest in this, including their complete refusal to listen when existing structures began to fail and warn of further significant depletion to our energy supply, as well as their lackadaisical approach to developing a way of utilising efficient forms of renewable energy has left the country dependent on external global forces, without any back-up plan (where other European countries have internal energy stores to supply consumers for weeks if shipments were to be ceased, Britain has only 4 days worth; The Spectator, September 2021), whilst simultaneously allowing those who make their money through the exploitation of natural recourses to sit on ever-increasing mounds of wealth; the consumer, not those who have failed to focus on the shift away from processes which serve only to pollute or planet and adapt, is forced to take on the burden of maintaining the level of profit those with stakes in such companies have become accustomed to by subsidising the overheads with our money (Ed Miliband, the Independent). Of course the pandemic meant that energy was in short supply on a global level-the reason that average energy prices for US consumers has only doubled whilst it has increased almost fivefold here is because the government do not value any system in which they do not themselves stand to benefit, even if that is the source of immense hardship for the average British person. 

-So what the hell are all our taxes going towards I hear you asking. Well, they’re footing the bill of the people who need financial relief least of all who themselves are making bigger profits than ever on the backs of the increasing number of British people whose quality of life has sharply declined, even to the extent that civil servants in full time employment, NHS employees ffs (again, who wouldn’t want to work there!!! What are those nurses THINKING), are accessing services established for those falling beneath the poverty line. They’re the fucking catalyst for this cost of living that is making people more dependent on increasingly non-existent public services than ever.

When I say this, I mean corporate profits are higher than ever, even after last few years of global events which have impacted on the prices of imports, exports, and consumer habits, all of which should suggest higher expenses and lower sales. Rather than take a small hit to corporate profits in order to absorb the additional expenses on trade with foreign entities, or raise the wages of workers to encourage household spending across the economic landscape, shareholders with management roles in their respective mega corporations have decided to raise prices of their goods. This is not just rhetoric; profit margins for the biggest British companies were 73% higher in 2021 on 2019, pre-Covid, even though sales had fallen (Owen Jones, the Guardian).

Consider Shell, a company directly responsible for the continued destruction of our eco-system, and their reported adjusted profits of $11.5bn during the second quarter of 2022, even as Russia’s invasion of Ukraine caused global energy markets to soar, and gas and electric prices for consumers in the UK increased by astronomical amounts (Jillian Ambrose, the Guardian).

Shell are a clear cut example of how big business owners, as well as the managers and directors who more often than not represent major shareholders, would rather consumers foot the bill of their own expenses and spread their household income even thinner, to fund the lifestyles they’ve become accustomed to as well as their reinvestments to facilitate the growth of even more wealth, rather than themselves take a minimally smaller chunk of the pie. This same approach is not taken when it comes to preserving the lifestyles of actual employees mind you, whose wages remain stagnated, declining in terms of the actual purchasing power afforded to these employees by their salary. This decision to preserve shareholder returns at any cost to the consumer is particularly insidious when we think about the businesses that monopolise industries specialising in goods completely necessary to decent quality of life and basic human necessities like Shell.

And where do the Conservatives come into this? Well, because where they shove austerity down the throat of the ordinary British person, tell us to reduce our spending, the same cannot be said for their instructions to corporate shareholders. Where our taxes have risen, the declaration that the surcharge on bank profits (i.e. the extra they pay in corporation tax) would be raised by 6% is no longer going ahead. The amount above which these banks must pay the surcharge has similarly been raised from £75,000,000 to £100,000,000. That’s an extra £25,000,000 they will no longer be taxed on (Taxscape, Deloitte, November 2023).

We are told that if we want to live in this country, we must pay our taxes to contribute to its smooth governance, even as these increase. They are told the exact opposite, despite their businesses not only residing here, but actually making coin off the country’s inhabitants. Individuals pay to be in this country, and when you look at the average person, the more we make, the more we have to pay. If you dare not to pay your taxes, or if you’re self-employed and misreport them in any way, you are a criminal. It seems the rule of make more, pay more, or be prosecuted for it, only applies up to a certain threshold.

If you are a mega-corporation, you are perfectly welcome to evade paying taxes. Whoops, did I say evade? I meant avoid, soz. Only I still don’t know exactly what the difference is apart from the latter being the label given to the activities of big business, legal on the basis they spend extortionate amounts of money for legal representation to poke holes in the famously holey regulations about these kinds of things.

The Conservatives have presided over a legal system filled with loopholes that practically encourage it, and have made the Britain a haven for tax avoidance. Deregulation of the financial market in the  City of London means that what counts as tax avoidance vs. Evasion, illegally vs. simply immoral, is decided on a case-by-case basis (John Warren, Bella Caledonia), and as is previously established, what kind of a public court system do we even have right now anyway? Under a fair system where big business, and those who profit from it, are held to the same standard as the actual people living in this country, we could develop and implement solutions to an astonishing number of social ills. Instead, wealth is saturated further still at the top, and the financial burdens continue to pile on and are exacerbated for those at the bottom. UK Uncut’s estimates of lost tax revenue come to some £100 billion over four years-and the National Audit Office finding in 2007 was that a third of the UK’s biggest companies paid no tax at all in this country in the previous boom year. 

I’m not arguing the City being used as a way to conduct business in overseas territories to avoid tax is a phenomena borne of the current government. What I’m saying is that where that might have flown without causing much damage to the British people prior to the 2008 financial crash, the subsequent increase in the national deficit to bail out the same companies which participate in this tax avoidance and whose activities were behind the global economic crisis has been framed as a burden the average individual has to now shoulder through the Conservative’s policy of “austerity” and the increased taxes and cost of living that come as a part of this. Meanwhile, the big businesses responsible for this financial crisis are allowed to continue as they always have despite their refusal to take responsibility for the crisis, and avoid being subject to the same austerity, due to the desire of many Conservative MPs to continue to benefit from these activities and retain the power afforded to them by donations from these companies. Take Lycamobile, the UK-headquartered international mobile virtual network operator, who have been in the news this week. We’re talking a company who gifted £2.15mn to the Tories between 2011 and 2016, according to the Electoral Commission database, without paying a penny of tax in this country since 2007. Unethical but based on technicalities, not illegal. The Paris criminal court, however, have just this past October convicted Lycamobile’s French corporate entities of committing fraud with respect to value added tax and money laundering (Lucy Fisher, Jim Pickard and Yasemin Craggs Mersinoglu in London and Leila Abboud and Sarah White in Paris, Financial Times, October 2023). Turns out in countries where firms like Lycamobile can be held accountable, they are. Sunak is being pressured to return donations, which I’m sure he would do if he stood for anything, and thus was suitably horrified by this revelation. Unsurprisingly, he hasn’t yet returned anything. Maybe he will to save face, who knows. What is for certain is that it was public knowledge that Lycamobile were doing what they could to avoid tax here for over a decade and concerns about financial fraud had already been raised in October 2015, and given the Conservative government had no problem with that if their acceptance of a £600,000 donation following this revelation is anything to go by, they likely would have had no problem with this if it hadn’t be called to international attention. In fact, reports that in 2017 HMRC rejected a request from French officials to raid Lycamobile’s London offices suggests that tax cheats are actively encouraged in their activities under the current government, which, well, we been knew. Conservative ministers like to talk a big game about challenging tax evasion, but the evidence, the leak of the Pandora Papers just to give one example (the largest ever such leak exposed the secret offshore holdings and finances of several wealthy donors to the Tory party), suggests otherwise. Whilst David Cameron promised the development of a register identifying people who own UK property through offshore companies, allll the way back in 2015 (David Conn, the Guardian), we’ve seen crickets on this front.

So yah. It’s the hypocrisy for me, the throwing of the people for whom the concept of government was formed under the proverbial bus, all whilst lying to our faces. This doesn’t stop at accepting donations from shadowy companies. Remember the reports about the land purchased under the guise of being designated for starter homes? Makes a lot more sense that it was sold off to developers when you consider that Anthony Bamford, who runs JC Bamford Excavators, the yellow digger company founded by his father, Joseph Cyril Bamford, was the fourth most important source of political party donations for any party in the 2019 election and the Tories’ top donor that year, according to a 2022 study by the University of Warwick. 

They say that wealth is self-creating but the same is infinitely true of poverty. The inability to plan ahead, the short-term need to borrow money, the volatile environment financial stress creates for a household, it all contributes to long-term negative financial outlooks that outlast temporary financial difficulties on a national, global scale, without genuine, sincere efforts by the government to level the playing field. Whatever the Conservatives say about doing this to win votes, they rarely follow through-that they remain themselves part of the 1%, the elite, privileged circle they have gotten used to, requires they do not bite the hand that feeds them, instead that they lap it up eagerly, and ethics can get fucked. It has been established time and time again that a number of Conservative MPs themselves have stakes in businesses using offshore tax havens (Geoffrey Cox, the Independent). This points to the fact that they see their roles as nothing more than a means of preserving their own status, and that is the only thing of value to them when they are conducting themselves within the political sphere, rather than the pursuit of the intended goal of a representative system which is to serve the best interests of the people.

Human life does not factor into the equation, and consequently, neither do our interests if they do not serve the elite in some way. This is never clearer than in times of crisis: see the way contracts for emergency medical supplies were handed to tory donors left right and centre rather who wasted time analysing how to make a profit rather than actually respond to said emergency, and how lower-level employees at big businesses were forced to reopen doors far earlier than was safe to do so given the fears of redundancy, which reached an all time high during COVID. Had the government response (let us all remember Boris Johnson failed to attend several meetings designated to address the pandemic and simply advised us all to “wash our hands” prior to the rapid increase in case numbers but yeah, the shite response of the UK government to COVID really isn’t one I need to go over again) not been one of such incompetency, businesses may not have been forced to keep their doors closed as long as they did. The threat of losing their jobs during the pandemic lead to many British workers feeling overstretched and overworked: almost half (46 per cent) of those who began working remotely during lockdown reported feeling more pressure to be ‘present’ for their employer and colleagues, with more than a third (35 per cent) saying they had continued to work despite feeling unwell (Siobhan Palmer, People Management). The impact of this is still felt even as redundancy figures begin to drop off from their all-time high in 2020. According to data from employee review site Glassdoor, talk of layoffs and redundancies has increased by 185 per cent from March to June 2022 in employee reviews, indicating that it is top of mind for many individuals (Dan Cave, People Management). The cost of living crisis continues to see the threat of redundancy held over the heads of British workers. Increases in interest rates, energy prices, and National Insurance are reported to be behind the sentiment of upper-level management that redundancies may be necessary to combat profit losses: data from the Office for National Statistics shows the number of redundancies planned by businesses increased by 103 per cent between January and February of 2022. Unsurprisingly, 18% of employers, particularly those heading up big businesses (shocker) reported they were considering even more planned redundancies before March 2023 in June of the previous year (Damian Kelly, People Management). Given that the first quarter of 2023 saw the number of business closures top the number of businesses created by record amounts (Katharine Swindells, City Monitor), that unemployment overall increased by 274,000 between April and May this year isn’t wild but rather, a reasonable deduction. What is shocking is that this period saw the steepest rise in unemployment month on month since modern records began, according to separate figures from the Office for National Statistics (HR Magazine, Millicent Machell). Redundancy is a significant and pressing fear, and a lack of job security leaves more and more people feeling obligated to overextend themselves for employers to avoid such financial situations; a report from HR software Employment Hero, found 42% of those who want to quit cited redundancy rounds or headcount changes as their top reason. All the while, mega-corporations like Amazon, Microsoft and Meta (I.e Facebook) actually make profit for layoffs (Chad Brooks, business.com).

The precedent, that business executives will largely layoff low level employees before they lose profit, is firmly established. During COVID, however, the UK government agreed to relax rules against all expert advice rather than providing sufficient aid themselves. They hate listening to people who know better. We see that time and time again.

Now, despite factual accounts of innocent people being killed in their thousands in Gaza, Rishi Sunak continues to support Israel. It is a blatant violation of international law and flagrantly immoral. A majority of Israel’s supposed justifications to do with the Hamas attack have been debunked, not that the terrorist attack of a radical group, even if the situation were that simple (I ask exactly what gives the IDF and the armed settlers who have treated Palestinians with such cruelty in their own homelands for several decades now immunity from the terrorist label anyway) should automatically justify the genocide of the group they emerged from anyway. So why is Sunak in support of it, in spite of all logic? I imagine his wife's family owning a company partenered with BP, major dependents on Israel's go-ahead to drill for oil on Palestinian land has something to do with it. 

I implied earlier that the Conservatives lack brain cells and that this is what drives their apparent lack of foresight, but their educations and credentials would argue against this, no matter the degree of privilege which helped them get there. What I suspect is actually the case, based on the evidence, is that their empathy for anyone not like them is so low, anything that appears to serve us is nothing more than political strategy, rather than an actual goal they are willing to exert themselves towards the fulfilment of. If anything else which appeals more to their self-interest intervenes in the half-arsed fulfilment of these speculative plans? Well, cya later public good. We’ll deal with the fallout later.

Now, herein lies the central issue, the repugnant display of their favoured tactics despite the consequences over the last month. The Conservatives, and the leader of the Labour Party, Keir Starmer, who has been willingly complicit throughout his entire tenure so as to appear not “too radical”, have pulled out that treasured old chestnut of the blame game to 1). Divert attention away from their own failures and moral transgressions and 2). Win the populist vote without making any real, meaningful changes (because they of course threaten their own positions).

Every now and again, the scapegoat is one of their own, and that, I welcome-Nadhim Zahawi, for example. But more often than not, the girlies at Westminster go for the lowest hanging fruit of some marginalised, broadly misunderstood group, pointing the finger at some facet of their identity that unites them as if they are not complex individuals but instead, a homogenous population, reduced to a dehumanised entity of opposition whose mere existence threatens the very thread of to the neurotypical, gender typical, etc. etc. prototypical British individual’s life. Like I said, we live in uncertain times, where an undercurrent of fear for the future brews at the back of most people’s minds. This exists because we see things getting worse and nothing being done about it right in front of our eyes. The tories, along with several other notable politicians across party lines, and the inaction borne from their selfishness, are at the root of this. But they don’t want to lose the positions providing them access to the recourses granting them further wealth and status. That is why they point the finger elsewhere. The way you feel is not because the country is a shitshow. It’s because change is coming, and you anticipate yourself being villainised for living the way of life you’ve become accustomed to, as well as the repercussions of that. The tories pose themselves as the solution to this, the ones who “stick to the facts”, who are the only buffer against this “woke madness” as if it’s some real, aggressive force which is going to come along and destroy your life. They appeal to the “WHAt HAppEned to FREe SpEEch?!” screechers, and fan the flames of that very valued argument. What happened to free speech? Nothing, fuckface, and that is exactly why I have to read your bullshit all over the internet and also why Rishi Sunak is allowed to stand behind a podium and say something as scientifically reductive and divisive as “we shouldn’t get bullied into believing that people can be any sex they want to be. They can’t, a man is a man and a woman is a woman. That’s just common sense.” with impunity. 

Gender isn’t a "common sense” thing, Rishi Sunak knows that, and so do the politicians who spout the same rhetoric. I don’t doubt that transgender individuals, for them, symbolise their left-wing critics, ya know, the old “woke mob”. I don’t know the statistics on the political orientations of trans individuals in Britain-what I do know, is that if they do tend to largely associate with the left, it’s not because they wish to use the guise of political change to infiltrate the movement and establish a new world order where people are imprisoned for innocently misgendering, for being undereducated, and where sex offenders who transition to allow them to more easily abuse individuals of the sex they have transitioned to is permitted. And can we just acknowledge, on the record here, how utterly fucking ludicrous this last dogwhistle is. As if it’s a wide spread phenomenon like???? As if people commonly transition to commit sex crimes?? As if Rishi Sunak repeating this crap isn’t wildly hypocritical when his party’s underfunding of the criminal justice system has quite literally allowed actual sex offenders to go free and reoffend?? Please worry about them, not the unicorn cases of individuals transitioning for the purpose of sneaking into women’s toilets.

But yeah, the left is not some group of sexual predators who push the “trans issue” so that they can “get away” with their crimes. If it seems to be the case that trans or gender nonconforming individuals associate with the left, it’s probably because 1). Rishi Sunak is hardly the first Conservative MP to be transphobic, 2). this government continues to push back against legislation advancing trans rights, including their recent attempts to block Scotland's gender recognition law and 3). because the waiting list for gender affirming surgery is a million fucking years long as a result of the same conservative engineered NHS underfunding that hurts all of us. To be precise, here are the non-hyperbolic numbers:

The second longest average waiting times - after those at the Laurels Exeter Specialist Gender Identity Clinic in Devon (90 months) - were seen at the recently closed Tavistock gender clinic in London, at 54 months. 

Even the lowest average wait at the Nottingham Centre for Transgender Health was 28 months.

(Clara Bullock, BBC News)

All trans individuals want is to be respected and treated with empathy, and to push the narrative they are “bullying” the majority into accepting pseudoscience whilst they are one of the most marginalised groups in this country, commonly the target of harmful legislation when the tories can actually be arsed to get off their money-hungry backsides and implement change, is vile. They want to look like they’re helping. So what they do is create a new, politically weaker group to target, and take fire, and let the public marvel at the spectacle of their missiles believing it represents their “strength”. 

Keir Starmer is fully aware of the same tactics, btw, and capitalises upon it just as much, conducting himself in a way that those with a conscience will see as guided by complicity and cowardice. This solidifies to me he has little in the way of meaningful, implementable plans to fix the social issues catalysed and created by the tories. If he did, he wouldn't be so afraid to criticise them and be labelled as Corbyn reincarnate, directly aligning himself with the "woke left", because his policies would speak for themselves. He is counting on the vote from those dissatisfied with their life under the current Conservative government, who want to go back to the way things "used to be", and is complacent in achieving votes that way. That he refuses to take a stance against the evil bullshit that the tories facilitate speaks volumes about how much trust we should put in him to do the right thing. 

To go back to the Palestine/Israel situation, because I know that is at the forefront of so many of our minds right now, the major figures in British parliament refusing to call for a ceasefire are not doing so because they are as stupid as to believe that what the Israeli government is doing is within reason. All they are doing is doubling down on the version of events which villainises all Palestinian people as harbouring a terrorist group hellbent on taking over not just Israel, but the world, against which Netanyahu and his government are acting out of necessity to be the moral buffer protecting us all, because that’s the only version of events that would supposedly justify their actions. In reality, it’s an attempt by our government leaders to wash their hands of their own complicity of these crimes, because they themselves are benefitting from them. 

Realistically, Hamas are the inevitable product of the Israeli government’s view of the Palestinian people as a subhuman group who will take mistreatment within, and displacement from, their own homeland, but the truth is, Hamas represent to Israel a threat to the delusion of Palestinians being a dehumanised population who are just a problem they can slowly eradicate. Not one to miss making lemonade from lemons, they have become an opportunity to twist the reality into something justifying the more aggressive, but faster, and easier solution of genocide, so grotesquely as to overshadow the very basic fact that their actions right now, even in a vacuum which ignores the immorality of their expansion over the past half century, contravenes international law forbidding collective punishment. Criticise it, and it’s antisemitism, because what they are doing is “for the Jewish people” in spite of the harm they are themselves subjecting normal, everyday Jewish people to, by perpetuating the falsehood that this is something they all condone purely because they are Jewish. Again, this is something our government leaders are complicit in. Yet, again, when peaceful protest occurs against the slaughter in Gaza, Conservative politicians point fingers at protestors and paint them as the antisemitic mob.

Rishi Sunak, Keir Starmer, every politician sitting in UK parliament who refuses to acknowledge this, points to what should be clear from the Conservative Party’s actions, and in Starmer’s case, his complacency with these moves, which is that they think 1). The majority of the British public are a bunch of fucking idiots and 2). Their entitlement to their positions affords them a sense of invincibility. They would not be repeating this bullshit narrative with their chest if  they had any respect for any of us or believed that the dominant sources of information we have access to would ever hold them accountable. And the actions resulting from this belief of theirs have consequences more devastating than ever. They have 0 empathy, and it is for that reason that we can never trust or depend on them. TO REPEAT, these are the people egging on the Israeli government’s genocide of the Palestinian people. These are the people who refuse to call for a ceasefire when the death toll since October 7th now exceeds 11,000 (Nidal Al-Mughrabi and Maytaal Angel, Reuters, November 2023).

There is a general election coming up before 2025 and as the Tories become more and more extreme in their efforts to distract, with more harmful consequences than ever, we really have to do our research, talk to everyone we know about our local candidates, get involved with our local party groups if we can, speak up. I don’t necessarily think it’s a case of the lesser of two evils anymore on a national level-when it comes down to who ends up as our “Prime Minister” and the cabinet, it can feel like a game played by the upper echelons grappling for the ultimate ego boost. Look at the year we’ve had. As much as I’d like to say to anyone who voted Conservative primarily for Boris Johnson, you deserve this chaos for making such a garbage decision in the first place, you probably didn’t think you’d end the year with Rishi Sunak in charge of the country, and David Cameron, who wasn’t even bloody elected, by his side. It’s easy to feel hopeless, 1000%, when who’s in control of the country appears to be a matter so far removed from everyday people but it’s important not to forget elections are about more than just who ends up being PM, which if anything is a distraction to reduce the complex matter of representation and lawmaking down to a binary situation. Mainstream media are all game for an oversimplification of the choice we have because it makes developing straw-man arguments to push their favoured narrative even easier.

Local representation, which is what it becomes easy to forget we're actually voting for in a general election, still offers a way to exert some degree of influence over policy in parliament. I don’t like Keir Starmer but that doesn’t mean I’m against people voting for their Labour MP if their voting record is sound; the resistance of a number of party members to Starmer’s line on Palestine, which went so far as to him vowing to sack any of his shadow ministers that go against the whip, perhaps shows that not all hope is lost, and that there are still some good eggs out there. In that same vein, this has really driven home that you can’t assume party line/ethos will translate to actual policy; though if you’d asked me a few years ago, I'd have probably assumed most Labour MPs would vote for a ceasefire, this truly wasn’t the case.

I wished that when the vote to call for a ceasefire happened yesterday, more of them would’ve been heard, even though the ceasefire is really the very least that can be done for the people in Gaza after all of this. In case you missed it, here are the list of MPs who defied the whip and showed some human decency, including several who have lost their place in Keir Starmer’s shade cabinet as a result:

Diane Abbott (Independent - Hackney North and Stoke Newington)

Tahir Ali (Labour - Birmingham, Hall Green)

Rosena Allin-Khan (Labour - Tooting)

Hannah Bardell (Scottish National Party - Livingston)

Paula Barker (Labour - Liverpool, Wavertree)

Apsana Begum (Labour - Poplar and Limehouse)

Clive Betts (Labour - Sheffield South East)

Mhairi Black (Scottish National Party - Paisley and Renfrewshire South)

Paul Blomfield (Labour - Sheffield Central)

Steven Bonnar (Scottish National Party - Coatbridge, Chryston and Bellshill)

Deidre Brock (Scottish National Party - Edinburgh North and Leith)

Alan Brown (Scottish National Party - Kilmarnock and Loudoun)

Karen Buck (Labour - Westminster North)

Richard Burgon (Labour - Leeds East)

Dawn Butler (Labour - Brent Central)

Ian Byrne (Labour - Liverpool, West Derby)

Liam Byrne (Labour - Birmingham, Hodge Hill)

Amy Callaghan (Scottish National Party - East Dunbartonshire) (Proxy vote cast by Marion Fellows)

Dan Carden (Labour - Liverpool, Walton)

Alistair Carmichael (Liberal Democrat - Orkney and Shetland)

Wendy Chamberlain (Liberal Democrat - North East Fife)

Sarah Champion (Labour - Rotherham)

Douglas Chapman (Scottish National Party - Dunfermline and West Fife)

Joanna Cherry (Scottish National Party - Edinburgh South West)

Daisy Cooper (Liberal Democrat - St Albans)

Jeremy Corbyn (Independent - Islington North)

Ronnie Cowan (Scottish National Party - Inverclyde)

Angela Crawley (Scottish National Party - Lanark and Hamilton East)

Stella Creasy (Labour - Walthamstow)

Jon Cruddas (Labour - Dagenham and Rainham)

Judith Cummins (Labour - Bradford South)

Ed Davey (Liberal Democrat - Kingston and Surbiton)

Martyn Day (Scottish National Party - Linlithgow and East Falkirk)

Marsha De Cordova (Labour - Battersea)

Martin Docherty-Hughes (Scottish National Party - West Dunbartonshire)

Allan Dorans (Scottish National Party - Ayr, Carrick and Cumnock) (Proxy vote cast by Marion Fellows)

Peter Dowd (Labour - Bootle)

Sarah Dyke  (Liberal Democrat - Somerton and Frome)

Colum Eastwood (Social Democratic & Labour Party - Foyle)

Jonathan Edwards (Independent - Carmarthen East and Dinefwr)

Julie Elliott (Labour - Sunderland Central)

Tim Farron (Liberal Democrat - Westmorland and Lonsdale)

Stephen Farry (Alliance - North Down)

Marion Fellows (Scottish National Party - Motherwell and Wishaw)

Stephen Flynn (Scottish National Party - Aberdeen South)

Richard Foord (Liberal Democrat - Tiverton and Honiton)

Mary Kelly Foy (Labour - City of Durham)

Barry Gardiner (Labour - Brent North)

Patricia Gibson (Scottish National Party - North Ayrshire and Arran)

Patrick Grady (Scottish National Party - Glasgow North)

Peter Grant (Scottish National Party - Glenrothes)

Sarah Green (Liberal Democrat - Chesham and Amersham)

Margaret Greenwood (Labour - Wirral West)

Fabian Hamilton (Labour - Leeds North East)

Claire Hanna (Social Democratic & Labour Party - Belfast South)

Neale Hanvey (Alba Party - Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath)

Drew Hendry (Scottish National Party - Inverness, Nairn, Badenoch and Strathspey)

Wera Hobhouse (Liberal Democrat - Bath)

Kate Hollern (Labour - Blackburn)

Rachel Hopkins (Labour - Luton South)

Stewart Hosie (Scottish National Party - Dundee East)

Rupa Huq (Labour - Ealing Central and Acton)

Imran Hussain (Labour - Bradford East)

Christine Jardine (Liberal Democrat - Edinburgh West)

Afzal Khan (Labour - Manchester, Gorton)

Ben Lake (Plaid Cymru - Ceredigion)

Ian Lavery (Labour - Wansbeck)

Chris Law (Scottish National Party - Dundee West)

Emma Lewell-Buck (Labour - South Shields)

Clive Lewis (Labour - Norwich South)

David Linden (Scottish National Party - Glasgow East)

Rebecca Long Bailey (Labour - Salford and Eccles)

Caroline Lucas (Green Party - Brighton, Pavilion)

Kenny MacAskill (Alba Party - East Lothian)

Angus Brendan MacNeil (Independent - Na h-Eileanan an Iar)

Khalid Mahmood (Labour - Birmingham, Perry Barr)

Rachael Maskell (Labour - York Central)

Andy McDonald (Independent - Middlesbrough)

Stewart Malcolm McDonald (Scottish National Party - Glasgow South)

Stuart C McDonald (Scottish National Party - Cumbernauld, Kilsyth and Kirkintilloch East)

John McDonnell (Labour - Hayes and Harlington)

Conor McGinn (Independent - St Helens North)

Anne McLaughlin (Scottish National Party - Glasgow North East)

John McNally (Scottish National Party - Falkirk)

Ian Mearns (Labour - Gateshead)

Carol Monaghan (Scottish National Party - Glasgow North West)

Layla Moran (Liberal Democrat - Oxford West and Abingdon)

Helen Morgan (Liberal Democrat - North Shropshire)

Grahame Morris (Labour - Easington)

John Nicolson (Scottish National Party - Ochil and South Perthshire) (Proxy vote cast by Marion Fellows)

Brendan O’Hara (Scottish National Party - Argyll and Bute)

Sarah Olney (Liberal Democrat - Richmond Park)

Kate Osamor (Labour - Edmonton)

Kate Osborne (Labour - Jarrow)

Kirsten Oswald (Scottish National Party - East Renfrewshire)

Sarah Owen (Labour - Luton North)

Jess Phillips (Labour - Birmingham, Yardley)

Anum Qaisar (Scottish National Party - Airdrie and Shotts)

Yasmin Qureshi (Labour - Bolton South East)

Bell Ribeiro-Addy (Labour - Streatham)

Lloyd Russell-Moyle (Labour - Brighton, Kemptown)

Liz Saville Roberts (Plaid Cymru - Dwyfor Meirionnydd)

Naz Shah (Labour - Bradford West)

Andy Slaughter (Labour - Hammersmith)

Alyn Smith (Scottish National Party - Stirling)

Cat Smith (Labour - Lancaster and Fleetwood)

Alex Sobel (Labour - Leeds North West)

Chris Stephens (Scottish National Party - Glasgow South West)

Jamie Stone (Liberal Democrat - Caithness, Sutherland and Easter Ross)

Zarah Sultana (Labour - Coventry South)

Sam Tarry (Labour - Ilford South)

Alison Thewliss (Scottish National Party - Glasgow Central)

Owen Thompson (Scottish National Party - Midlothian)

Richard Thomson (Scottish National Party - Gordon)

Stephen Timms (Labour - East Ham)

Jon Trickett (Labour - Hemsworth)

Valerie Vaz (Labour - Walsall South)

Claudia Webbe (Independent - Leicester East)

Philippa Whitford (Scottish National Party - Central Ayrshire) (Proxy vote cast by Marion Fellows)

Nadia Whittome (Labour - Nottingham East)

Hywel Williams (Plaid Cymru - Arfon)

Munira Wilson (Liberal Democrat - Twickenham)

Beth Winter (Labour - Cynon Valley)

Pete Wishart (Scottish National Party - Perth and North Perthshire)

Mohammad Yasin (Labour - Bedford)

As for the rest of them, I don’t understand where on earth their humanity is gone. I know I’m not alone in thinking there is 0 justification, EVER, for murdering thousands of innocent people, fucking CHILDREN!! Day after day after day. It makes me feel sick that there are sitting MPs who are so devoid of a conscience. It is properly just horrific. They are fucking dangerous and should be far FAR FAR away from government. 

This country needs to be run for its PEOPLE. There is more than enough money out there to make sure everyone has at the very least the bare necessities of survival, and politicians need to stop throwing vulnerable people like lambs to the slaughter to distract from this truth. We need to elect representatives with real principles, who are against the continuation of the status quo, which is to encourage greed and the belief that the greediest of us are above the rules. That’s why they end up with such detachedness from real every day people, and this comes at the cost of adapting the government safety nets to be appropriate for the current economic climate, and on a bigger scale, failing to tackle the most important issue 99% of the fucking human race should be concerned by. The emergence of an “anti-green” group amongst MPs has undoubtedly influenced Rishi Sunak’s rhetoric on the “cost” of net-zero. Anyone listening to this and nodding their heads in agreement, firstly please refer to how our refusal to invest in renewable energy is hurting us, and secondly, listen to me when an fucking BEG you remember that money won’t matter when viruses completely alien to the modern human body make their way into the water cycle because rising sea temperatures are melting the glaciers they’ve been trapped in for thousands of years:)

These people are literally willing to let the world burn as long as it lines their pockets with the knowledge they’re sitting pretty. Whilst the rich get richer, in spite of the rest of us being told to cut down, the poor stay exactly where they are, and many suffer completely needlessly. There are a shit tonne of British politicians who don’t want us to notice that this is their best case scenario, and that it’s all by their design. But we need to let them know we do and that they are just as human as us. In the spirit of the new Hunger Games sequel film, with Hunter Schafer’s Schiaparelli red carpet look on my mind, I end this post with the words of Katniss Everdeen: 

If we burn, you burn with us babes xoxo

Even if it's just your pathetic, hollow career in politics, and the expense of those GARGANTUAN egos:-)

[citnamora]

The end goal of Miraculous really is just to convince you that any ship involving our heros is ultimately more interesting than the canon endgame couple

[deleteddewewted]

Hey, I just read your Kurogiri omega and was wondering if you could do a part 2, but with Kurogiri remembering his time in the AU when he was Obroro and how he met the alpha reader until the day of his "likely" death?!

I've been trying to find an excuse to continue that, so thank you for being that excuse, anon!

Omega! Kurogiri Part 2

🚨spoilers🚨

Kurogiri x M! Reader

Omega! Kurogiri Headcanons Part 1

TW: Angst, Death, Unhealthy Coping Mechanism

You couldn’t tell him he was your mate. It would place you and him in danger.

You kept going to Tartarus to visit him but decreased the frequency of them.

Kurogiri did not take this lightly.

You were leaving him again.

You both had built something meaningful and you were leaving.

Kurogiri laid down on the bed he was given and stared blankly ahead of him.

The world became dimmer as the time passed. Eventually his eyes closed and he drifted away to the lovely abyss of sleep.

“Shirakumo!” The blue mist haired boy turned around and spotted his two friends call out to him.

Yamada, the loud blond, was dragging the dark hair Aizawa with him. He looked eager to tell him something.

“Hey man! Uh, something going?” He asked. Yamada was way to energetic for it to be his usual and Aizawa didn’t look all that annoyed either.

“You won’t believe it man! One of our classmates is super hot!” Yamadas face held a small blush to it while Aizawa turned his head around to ignore them.

He was also blushing.

Shirakumo laughed at the two and wrapped his arm around Aizawa's neck.

"Oh really? Tell me more." He teased.

Yamada gave him an entire speech about how their classmate was hot as fuck and how the guys name was really pretty. He was fanboying over someone he barely knew.

Shirakumo thought it was cute how affected Yamada was by the new student so he couldn't wait to meet him.

When he did meet you, his inner omega purred.

Everything about you was perfect and beautiful to him.

He wanted to get to know you better.

Thats what allowed a friendship to bloom between you both.

He smiled a lot throughout the day but it became brighter when you would walk into the room.

His omega purred at him, begging him to get closer to you so he could take your scent in. Look at your beautiful eyes and your beautiful face.

You would catch him staring at you, the lingering trail of smokey blue hair giving him away every time.

You also liked him, a lot actually.

Easy on the eyes but with a big personality.

Welcoming, comforting, everything you would ever want in a significant other.

You found it endearing how he took the initiative to keep Aizawa away from rude and mean people.

You could also see how your guys friend, Yamada, would falter. His smile dropping for a moment when he thought no one was watching.

That always happened when Aizawa and Shirakumo were together.

You were all young, so it didn't matter who was dating who or what the future would hold. The now was more important then anything else.

Shirakumo contemplated what he could do to court you.

He jumped to the conclusion of courting instead of asking you if you were wanting to try a relationship with anyone.

He told Aizawa and the black haired boy just looked at him. His eyes saying something that his mouth wouldn't.

Didn't matter how well Shirakumo knew him, he didn't know how to read his eyes.

"Should i get him a bouquet? Maybe his favorite foods? Ah, i dont know what to do! Aizawa help me!" Aizawa recommended he just asked you out.

"You're so not romantic, but i still love you." He missed how much his words affected Aizawa. The black haired boys face was tinted red, his neck taking most of the blush he couldn't show on his cheeks.

Shirakumo made up every possible scenario inside of his own head and instead asked Yamada for some help.

"Yo! You should totally make a dramatic confession!" Shirakumo and Yamada planned everything out.

It did not go well.

You made it clear to him that you weren't looking for anything at the moment and that you just wanted to be friends with him.

Shirakumo and his omega became upset. His spring like scent became muddled, dirty water and a harsh smell overlaying itslef in a thick blanket.

His personality didn't change around you, he was still smiles and laughter.

When class would finish he would walk with Aizawa back to the train station and vent about everything you did that day.

"He looked so handsome eating that pudding and the way he leaned on his arm. So hot." Shirakumo sighed.

Aizawa felt very conflicted. He was happy for his friend but something else made itself present when he spoke about being with you.

Shirakumos pinning wouldn't stop and it finally got to a point were he would openly flirt with you.

You didn't mind it, in reality, you were as much of a flirt back.

This game between the two of you played out with him complementing you with big charades.

You would be more tactile. Occasionally touching his arms or running your hands threw his smoke hair.

It was pleasant. His hair parting into tendrils and at times having a mind of its own.

It would wrap itself around your wrist preventing you from removing your hand.

Enough time had passed that you felt like pursuing something more with him.

Something more romantic.

Shirakumo dragged you to the roof top one day.

All he said was that it was important.

"I like you, a lot. You're just so...handsome and pretty and beautiful and everything else thats good really." He stopped and began to walk around the roof top of the school.

"My omega is going nuts with your scent and it honestly drives me crazy too." Shirakumo danced around you.

"If you only knew how much i want to hold you and kiss you every time you help Aizawa out. That one time you helped that omega by fighting those meat heads off of them. Purring for you, baby!" Shirakumo got close to the roofs edge.

"Everything about you makes me and my omega want you. I-" Shirakumo slipped from the edge and fell.

You ran to catch him, maybe you could save him.

Shirakumo would most likely die, you wouldn't get there on time to catch him.

Your heart pulled with dread and dropped when you heard him scream.

Then, a peak of mist made itself seen from the edge of the roof.

“Shirakumo!” You yelled at him as he floated above you.

He flew around in his cloud, circling around you laughing.

“Was that intentionally?” You asked once he got down from his cloud.

His face became red as he watched you look at him expectingly.

“Ah, yeah?” You laught at his response and pulled him towards you.

You ran your fingers threw his smoke like hair and cupped his cheek in your hand, thumb gently caressing his face.

“You know? You should really stick to just two word phrases. I don’t think you have the mental capacity or brain cells for anything more.” You teased.

He gave you a goofy smile while he practically melted into your touch.

You were heaven and safety for him.

His inner omega begging him to ask you to be his mate. To bond. To do everything with you.

To be yours and you be his alpha.

His mouth a body moved on their own. He couldn't stop himself from getting closer to you and wrapping his arms around you.

"I'm sorry,” He stared at your eyes and admired them more a moment, “but you’re to perfect to just put into two words.”

Shirakumo closed the gap between you two and kissed you.

Both you and him, and your secondary sexes, we’re overwhelmed and overjoyed.

It was a thrilling emotion that coursed through you. The giddiness of being able to say that this was someone you would like to invest all of your time on.

You both loved each other so much, nothing in that moment or the ones to come could ruin that.

Then in your second year, Aizawa brought you Shirakumos speaker.

It was battered and broken. Wet.

Destroyed.

Aizawa said nothing to you, the other alpha walked away from you without batting an eye or even acknowledging the blond beta running after him.

You felt your legs give way as you fell to the floor. Vision becoming blurry and warm streaks falling down your face.

“So what should we do? We both want to mate but we can’t risk our careers.” “Don’t worry about Y/n. You’re already my mate. My omega is telling me that you’ve already been accepted and naturally, I’m always glad to call you mine. Fuck the rules!” “Sure, whatever you say, my mate.”

The happy memories and the planned out future you both had with each other was now just a dream.

It was delusion you had set yourself up for.

Your mate was gone.

“So that’s who you are.” Kurogiri spoke into the empty cell. The dream having woken him up.

He turned to lay on his side and stared at the invisible cell door.

He didn’t attempt to fall back to sleep.

You laid awake in bed, face pressed into an old jacket that was clearly worn down.

It was faded in color and no longer had that signature scent you adored so much.

It no longer smelled like spring.

Or like fresh air.

It smelled like you and your laundry detergent.

Your mate was dead and you both never got the chance to make it official.

Would never have a family of your own. Never have your first anything together.

Never have another moment with each other.

He was gone and yet still here.

Your mate was a terrorist who found no issue in killing others.

“Goodnight…my omega. Sweet dreams, Oboro.” You drifted off to sleep once your eyes closed.

[haleigh-sloth]

Hi! Lovely blog you’ve got here! I tend to lurk, but wanted to let you know that I enjoy seeing your takes.

Do you think being responsible for AFO’s comeback could be the plot beat Endeavor needs to (finally) realize his wrongdoings? Like, it’ll catalyze his Realization Moment™ that picking being a hero over a father was the wrong choice?

Hi! Thank you for the compliment 😭

So, um. I'll be honest with you. I really, really wish I could give a concrete answer on what I THINK is going to happen. But the dead serious truth of the matter is that I have absolutely no idea what to realistically expect at this point for Endeavor. There is a very, very sensible way for his arc to go. And Horikoshi has put Endeavor in positions for him to fail repeatedly, which is good. Like, him not getting it yet, throughout the story is good. That's the point of his character. To actually change. And literally up until last chapter it seemed very promising like we were going exactly in the right direction.

Unfortunately though, we are so far into his arc and on the downward slope heading toward the end, and as of last week we still....haven't seen anything. And last week did absolutely nothing but confuse the fuck out of me.

I'm not gonna even touch on the huge retconning issue with the dead daddy because I've said my piece on that (and I agree here with @hamliet). Instead I'll focus on his little speech and explain what the framing of it indicated to me, as someone reading this chapter, and explain why I'm super fucking confused on where his arc is supposed to be going.

Chapter 356 was portrayed as like...a big, meaningful moment for Endeavor. Right? I mean, that's how it was shown to us. We got the reason for his hero name, we saw his younger self. Which--as I have said a million times--PORTRAYS HONESTY IN THE CHARACTER. And just as a whole the chapter was dramatic in tone.

Endeavor isn't child-coded at all though, so his younger self symbolism looked a little different, which is good! But his younger self was still supposed to be telling the truth about his character. Horikoshi stuck to that pattern of Kid = Honest:

His teenage self starts off saying things that we can all agree with. And it all continues going this way and feels sensible. But when I start to feel very confused, is here:

He's grabbing his younger self, who is supposed to be telling the truth here, by the neck. As if choking and trying to silence him? That's what the art looks like to me. So like, why is present Endeavor rejecting the honest words of his past self? Literally THE chapter immediately before this he puts himself down in the same way his younger self is putting his current self down:

So I'm led to believe that chapter 356 is building off of chapter 355, but....

Then we see Endeavor burning his younger self. Which, to me looks like he's rejecting it, but let's say he's not and that he's fusing with it, I guess.

That doesn't change the fact that he basically ignores everything from the speech before hand, the chapter before that, and continues saying that "fighting until I can't anymore and refusing to give up in fights is what keeps me going, and I'm going to end this fight right now because it's my duty."

He, again, embraces his duty as a professional hero, while not once last chapter did he mention his family. Not. Fucking. Once.

So like.....what was the ending conclusion there?

I honestly DON'T KNOW. HERO? FATHER? Like, you have to choose. You can't have both. This manga has reiterated that time and time again for Endeavor specifically. He can't have both. He’s done too much damage to have both.

Endeavor defeating AFO here, only for it to have given AFO the opportunity to come back stronger and better is hilarious. AND it also leaves room for Endeavor to fail AGAIN, and reflect on what his position needs to be. But.....if that's the case, what was the point of last chapter? How close to the end is going to keep failing before he finally realizes wtf he needs to do? Because like....we're getting pretty close. And the Todofam sub plot is NOT the only plot in this manga that needs resolution. So as to why we're dragging his failures out more and more and more this close to the end, with less and less promise of success on HIS end....I don't know.

Do you see what I mean? Like....I feel like I'm going crazy trying to make sense of it, and tie it to current and past events in his arc.

So TL;DR: Endeavor is the messiest written character in this manga, imo. I'd say worse than Hawks at this point. So therefore, I have no fucking clue what to actually expect. I know what SHOULD happen, but I don't know what WILL happen.

[fanmoose12]

Hi fanmoose! Got a prompt for you, if you're interested: Levi seeing the 104th and the vets preparing gifts for Hange's birthday, but he's wondering what to give them so he goes above and beyond... all the Scouts are taken by surprise.

Thanks, and good luck!

i changed a couple of things..... hope you still enjoy it! thanks for the prompt <3

Jean got a notebook. Armin made a new quill, using a feather from the owl he and Mikasa caught. Connie brought from his home village a whole basket of peers Hange loved so much. Sasha was responsible for baking a cake.

Nifa made her favorite brownies. Mike decided to gift Hange a new jacket, Nanaba bought a new pair of shoes, Erwin got her a new pair of glasses and a microscope she was whining about for so long. Moblit drew a fucking portrait of her.

Even Eren, as obtuse as he was, prepared a present for Hange.

“My mom was very good at sewing,” he shared with Levi, in the middle of his training, “she didn’t teach me how to do it,” at that, his voice lost some of its edge, tints of sadness appearing, “but Mikasa knows how to sew and she promised to help me with it!”

Levi could only arch an eyebrow. “And how is that related to a gift for Hange?”

Eren leaned closer with a hand next to his mouth, looking so serious, like he was going to tell the biggest secret in the world. “I’m going to sew a plushie for Squad Leader.”

“A plushie? A fucking toy with your titan’s face?”

There was a beat of silence. Then… “Damn it.” Eren took head in his hands, tugging at his hair with alarming desperation. “Damn it! I should have sewed the plushie of my Titan! Hange-san loves it!”

Yeah, as much as it annoyed Levi, there was certainly no way he could deny that.

“So… what did you sew instead?”

Peaking beneath his fingers, Eren mumbled. “A plushie of me holding a heart that says ‘I love you, Hange’.”

Fuck… as dense as Eren was, Levi had to admit… the gift was not bad at all. Especially for Eren. Especially comparing to his gift, which consisted of…

Nothing.

Just two days were left before Hange’s birthday, and he still no idea what to give her. Hange was probably expecting a present from him. Or, maybe, she was not. She was nice like that – always giving without asking for something in return. Hange was also kind, she thought he was her friend, and even more than that. Best friend, she once told him. And Levi had to admit. He felt it too. Hange was his friend. The first one he made in Survey Corps. The closest one he had.

Some friend he was, apparently. Not even preparing a gift for her.

Sensibly, he knew that he was making a problem out of nothing. He could give Hange something simple – a shampoo she obviously didn’t possess; a book she would probably like and squeal in his ear about; a new shirt or a bottle of good wine.

Hange would probably enjoy these kinds of gift. They were certainly useful. But were they meaningful? Would Hange remember them, ten years from now?

He wanted her to. Hange was his friend, perhaps, even something more. He wanted only the best for her. That’s why picking up a gift was such a problem.

With only two days left, Levi was getting desperate. He was thinking about seeking out help, but just before he gathered the strength…

The help came to him themselves.

“Good day, Levi,” with a good-natured smile, Erwin invaded his office, Mike and Nanaba trailing after him. “Are you busy?”

Levi pointedly looked at the mountain of paperwork on his desk. “Yes,” he drew, “All thanks to you, Erwin.”

“Well, you can take a break,” Erwin waved his hand dismissively, and took a seat on the opposite end of Levi’s desk. Nanaba and Mike occupied the sofa. “We came to discuss something very important,” the smile was gone, as Erwin clenched his jaw and knitted his eyebrows in a hard line. Looking at that expression, Levi felt his stomach sinking. What was this all about? If it was about their upcoming expedition, then where was… “A little birdie shared with us,” Erwin interrupted his heavy thoughts, “That you still have no present for Hange.”

What? Levi gawked at his guests, switching his confused gaze from one to the other.

“And what is the name of that birdie?” He would find that birdie and give them a piece of his mind, for sure. Who dared get poke his nose into his personal matters?

“Please, Levi,” Mike joined the conversation, “You couldn’t get more obvious. I can smell your desperation from miles away.”

Levi’s annoyance rose. Birdies, smelling desperation. Could they talk like normal people?

Seeing his increasing frustration, Nanaba decided to come to rescue. She smiled, tucking a lock of her hair behind an ear. “I overheard your conversation with Eren. You looked a bit distressed, honestly I thought you were going to kick his ass again… And since I doubt Hange is enamored with Eren in that way, I concluded that you…”

“Are angry not because the boy is a titan and spends too much time with Hange, but because he already has a gift prepared, when you do not.” Erwin finished.

Well… the conclusion was sound, at least. But that didn’t mean that Levi felt any less annoyed.

“So?” he raised an eyebrow, staring judgingly at his intruders. “What do you want from me?”

“We want to help, of course,” the smile was back at Erwin’s lips. “And we have some ideas.”

“Such as?”

Nanaba bounced from her seat, crossing the room to bang her palms against the surface of Levi’s desk. He jumped slightly, certainly not expecting it.

“You know what Hange really likes?”

“Books?” Levi tried. “Science? Titans? Books about titan’s science?”

“No, dummy,” Nanaba shook her head, “Hange likes you.”

It took him a long moment to comprehend. Even then, the only thing Levi could get out of his mouth was a very faint, “Eh?”

“We all know how much Hans makes you happy.” Mike said.

They did? How so?

“You spend a lot of time with Hange,” Erwin noted, answering his unasked question.

“And you allow her to do things that you deny everyone else,” Nanaba continued.

“And when she is with you, that constipated expression disappears from your face.” Mike finished.

He… didn’t have a constipated expression. And while Hange did make his days more pleasant and his survival that easier and more enjoyable… Levi was sure that no one knew about it, but him.

“Listen, we all know that you like Hange, and we’re telling you that Hange likes you. That’s why…” Erwin lifted his chin, his smile becoming nearly devilish. Were they still talking about a simple birthday gift? “I made a reservation in a restaurant in Sina. Take Hange there, eat good food, drink some wine, have a good night… Make Hange happy.”

Their suggestion was certainly better than Levi’s nothing. However…

“What you’re offering seems a lot like fraternization. Isn’t that illegal?” he narrowed his eyes at Erwin, skepticism oozing from him. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“Perish the thought!” not swayed by Levi’s scary expression, Erwin chuckled. “You’re correct, technically, two officers are not allowed to enter romantic relationship, but I think it’s a little too late for that.” Huh? Just how Levi was meant to interpret that? “Besides… think about humanity, Levi! If you and Hange were to conceive a child…” the expression on Erwin’s face was so dreamy, Levi felt chills at the base of his spine. “A child born from the union of humanity’s strongest and smartest… It could very well save our world!”

Levi stared at his Commander, at loss of words. Saying ‘you’re fucked up in the head, Erwin’ seemed a little too rude even for him, considering that Erwin was his superior officer. Still… he was fucked up in the head.

“Don’t listen to him,” Nanaba spoke, attracting Levi’s attention. “But think about our offer. An evening like that will really make Hange happy. You want that, don’t you?”

Did he want to make Hange happy? More than anything…

“Do it for Hange,” Nanaba urged.

“Do it for love,” Mike added.

“Do it for humanity!” Erwin passionately concluded.

Fucked up in the head, Levi thought. All of them were. Himself, included. But what was he going to lose? Besides, their offer was better than anything he could have come up with.

“Alright,” he surrendered, a sigh escaping him. “I’ll do it.”

Nanaba cheered. Mike nodded at him with a smile. Erwin looked like he was about to cry. Then, to Levi’s horror, he saluted.

“Get out of my office now,” he shooed them away, lowering his gaze back to the papers. “I need to work.”

“Just another quick thing,” Nanaba patted his shoulder with a cheerful smile. “Walk Hange to the door of her room after the dinner. And make sure that you return after nine o’clock.”

Ah. So they had an ulterior motive. Of course. Levi shouldn’t be surprised.

“You’re planning something for Hange, I take it?”

“A little party,” Mike confessed. “We’ll deal with food and drinks, but you’re in charge of getting Hange there in time.”

Levi didn’t remember agreeing to be in charge of Hange, but… he didn’t like the idea of anyone else doing it in his stead.

“Nine o’clock, four-eyes’ room, I got it. Now get out of my office.”

Nanaba, Erwin and Mike didn’t need to be told twice.

___

After finding a solution to his main dilemma, Levi was now met with another, no less important and challenging than the previous one.

Erwin and the others got him a reservation at the restaurant. But... now he needed to invite Hange there.

His first attempt, executed not long after Erwin, Nanaba and Mike left his office, failed spectacularly, despite his expectations. He naively thought that a simple note, carried to Hange via Moblit, would suffice. But, perhaps, the note didn’t reach its destination. Or Hange forgot to read it. Or she somehow misinterpreted the sentence ‘do you want to dine together?’. Or the fault laid in the absence of Levi’s signature.

Nevertheless, he needed to do better.

His next attempt was slightly more successful. At least, he got some kind of reaction. Still not reaction he had needed. Apparently, there were ways that one could misunderstand the simple phrase ‘hey, four-eyes, want to eat with me?’. Levi had expected a very enthusiastic ‘yes’. Instead he received ‘I’ll see you at the dinner’ and a door to his face.

Evidently, he had to do not only better, but also be a little clearer about his intentions.

After lots of pondering, Levi decided that nothing could be clearer than throwing a shiny new black jacket from Mike at Hange and barking, “Get dressed, Hange. We’re going out.”

That got him an intrigued ‘oooh’ and a promise to be ready in five minutes.

Levi smirked to himself. Finally, his plan had worked. Finally, he got through that brilliant and extremely dense head.

___

At first, the dinner was, for the lack of better word,extremely awkward.

Erwin failed to mention just how fancy the restaurant would be. Turned out, it was fancy. Very fancy. Fancier than anything Levi had seen in his life. Even Hange, despite not being a street rat from Underground, was feeling a little off.

“Everyone is staring at us,” she whispered to him, leaning over the table to do so.

Hange was right. Everyone was gawking at them. Perhaps, the reason for it was their clothes. Both of them were dressed in their best suits. Still, their best didn’t even begin to reach the best of the gathered crowd. Perhaps, other guests were weirded out by Hange’s loud cheer at the sight of meat in the menu.

Or, perhaps, their reputation preceded them, and everyone in here knew about humanity’s strongest soldier and crazy titan scientist, two of Erwin Smith’s loyal devils.

Whatever the case was, Levi didn’t like the obvious staring. They came here to eat and have a good time, not be observed like clowns in the circus.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered back to her. He really was. It was Erwin’s mistake, but it was Hange’s birthday and it was his fault for not checking the restaurant beforehand. He was a scout, for fuck’s sake. It was his job.

“Don’t even start,” Hange huffed, waving her hand dismissively. “Not the first time I receive that sort of treatment. Probably not the last one as well.”

Hange paused, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. “And if they want to look at us so much, let’s give them something to stare at.”

Levi’s lips twitched up. “And what do you suggest?”

“Let’s order the priciest meals they have, eat them like animals they think we are, and then run away and let Erwin deal with that.”

There were many reasons why Levi loved Hange. This was one of them.

___

True to Hange’s plan, they were at their worst behavior. They used spoons instead of forks, they drank straight from the bottle, Hange ate the dessert with her hands, smearing cake all over her mouth, cheeks, palms and shirt. Barely keeping himself from laughing out loud, Levi wiped it all with his cravat, as Hange cooed at his chivalry.

Two hours later, their stomachs were full, the crowd was scandalized, their hearts were merry and their eyes were shining with unbridled mischief.

“I think we’ve succeeded at making the worst impression possible,” Hange spoke, following it with a loud laughter. Several guest scoffed at the volume. Levi showed all of them his scariest scowl. The rich fuckers returned their attention to their plates in record time.

“It’s time we make our exit,” he agreed.

He looked at Hange more closely, thinking if he should take the risk. She had been touching him freely throughout the whole evening. She pressed their calves together under the table, she ran a hand through his arm, she let him touch her face and tilt her chin. She didn’t seem opposed to the idea, so… Levi took a deep sighed, searching for every bit of courage inside of him. Once all of it was gathered, he took Hange by the hand, helping her to stand up.

To his surprise and huge relief, she didn’t shake his hand off. On the contrary, she squeezed his palm and interlaced their fingers.

Hand in hand, they started towards walking out of the restaurant. On his way there, Levi discreetly pushed a plate of soup at some wealthy lady, staining her light creamy dress and receiving a indignant cry and a joyous giggle from Hange.

After that, they had to speed up a little. It was Hange’s birthday. Levi didn’t want to spend it in the prison cell.

Once they were outside and some distance away from the restaurant, Hange stopped.

“Shit, Levi! Had you seen her face? She was—”

She didn’t finish. Hange leaned against the wall and threw her head back, laughing without abandon. She doubled over, hugging her stomach, her mirth not ceasing. Finding her mood strangely infectious, Levi couldn’t help but chuckle too.

Still snickering to herself, Hange looked up to meet his gaze. Her whole body was shaking from the laughter, and tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. Disheveled, red-faced and laughing, she was the most beautiful sight Levi had ever seen. The moonlight and faint stars only accentuated her beauty.

Levi was lost in watching her.

Subconsciously, in a mindless attempt to get a better look at the wonder that was Hange Zoe, he leaned in.

Hange leaned in too, her hand finding place at his shoulder. She moved that hand slightly, closer to his neck. Her fingers ghosted around his hairline, making him shiver.

He was looking in her eyes. Hange was looking at his lips.

The world around the two of them faded, the sounds of a street at night, the singing from the nearby pub disappearing to the background.

Levi didn’t know, had failed to register who moved first. But a moment later, his hand was on her waist, and Hange buried her fingers in his hair. And then, they were kissing – sloppily, desperately, without skill but with lots of passion.

Levi felt like he was struck by lightning. Nothing he had ever done before felt even remotely as good as kissing Hange did.

As the kiss progressed, becoming deeper, Levi found himself pressed against the wall.

Hange was everywhere – her tongue was in his mouth, her palms on his cheeks, her knee was rising, resting against his crotch. It was almost too much. And yet, not enough.

“Hange, Hange,” with some difficulty, he separated himself from her hot mouth and soft lips. “Hange, if someone sees us—”

“Oh, right,” still pressed dangerously close to him, she giggled. “Erwin would have a heart attack if we get jailed for making out on the streets. He’d deem us a disappointment to humanity.”

“Back to barracks then?”

Hange licked her lips and winked. Levi felt another strong surge of desire. “We can continue there.”

After that kind of promise, Levi hurried to find where they left their horses. He all but raced there, and jumped on his loyal stallion, grasping the reins a little too tightly.

Hange followed his suit. “Who arrives at the barracks first, gets to be on top?” she challenged.

Without waiting for his reply, she started off. Cursing, Levi struggled to keep up.

That day, he learned one essential lesson. Riding a horse with a raging boner was a fucking torture.

___

Hange was the first one to reach the stumbles. Dismounting her horse, she ran up to Levi, pulling him off the saddle and instantly connecting their lips. Levi would have liked to complain, but… who was he kidding?

Without another word, he brought Hange closer, putting his hand on her hip.

Just as the first one, the second kiss was amazing, enough to knock his breath out and make his knees buckle underneath him.

“If that’s my birthday gift,” Hange murmured, panting after they broke apart. “Then it’s the best one I ever had.”

And here Levi thought that there was nothing more enjoyable than kissing Hange. But as he saw her gentle smile, the adoring expression in her twinkling eyes, he was ready to melt in her arms.

However, he wouldn’t be himself if he passed an opportunity to use a sarcastic quip. “Is it better than Erwin’s microscope? Than Eren’s plushie?”

Hange put a finger to her chin, looking up with a thoughtful expression. “The microscope is really good, and that plushie is so adorable…” Levi’s good spirits vanished, as something ugly found its place inside his chest. Before it could manifest in a scowl, Hange caught his lips with hers once again.

“But nothing is better than you, shorty,” she confessed as they separated.

Hange likes you, Nanaba had said. She wasn’t wrong, it seemed.

“Your room or mine?” he asked, already tugging off Hange’s jacket.

“Mine. I was the one to win, after all,” she smirked, rapidly turning away and starting to run. Levi had no choice but to chase her.

___

He caught up with her near the entrance. Ceasing the moment, he wrapped arms around her waist, pressing her to him. Hange’s giggle turned into a moan. Levi delighted in that.

Exchanging messy kisses, they tumbled through the front door. Unable to break away from each other, they clumsily walked through the barracks, tripping and stumbling. And, despite the growing desire, they didn’t hurry as well. They stopped near the stairwell, so Hange could put a hickey on a spot above his collarbone. They paused at the middle of the hallway, so Levi could grind against her. Hange pressed him against the wall to whisper, “Fuck, Levi, this feels so good.”

When they reached the bedroom, Levi was ready to cheer. It was the longest walk through the barracks he had ever had. Was Hange’s room always that far away from the entrance?

With her hands shaking, she searched through her pockets for a key. She found it after a long minute that Levi spent kissing her neck. Once she fished it out, she put the key in the keyhole, and decided to celebrate that grand achievement with another breathtaking kiss.

Getting a little too eager, Levi pushed Hange forward. That was his mistake.

Apparently, the door to her room wasn’t closed. And, apparently,the room also wasn’t empty.

Unfortunately, Levi realized that and remembered the second part of Erwin’s plan a second too late. After he had heard the loud and cheerful ‘Happy birthday, Hange!’

With his arms still around Hange, he froze. Everyone else in the room froze too. The awkward silence settled over.

Levi’s thought frantically moved around his head, jumping from one corner to another. What should he do? Apologize? Let Hange go? Tell all of them to fuck off so he and Hange could finish what they had started?

However, he didn’t get to decide what to do with the unexpected audience. Hange chose for him.

“Guys!” she clasped her hands joyfully, her smile brighter than all the candles that stood around the room combined. “That’s so sweet! Thank you!”

She pulled away from Levi, sprinting to get to her friends. She gave a tight hug to Erwin, Mike, Nanaba, Moblit, Nifa, Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Sasha, Jean, Connie… Levi thought the string of people who wanted Hange’s attention would never end.

After hugs, came cake, and after cake was wine. He felt ignored, he felt utterly forgotten. He contemplated if he should go back to his room. He wanted Hange to kiss him again.

But instead he was sulking in the corner, munching on a cake Sasha had prepared. At least, the cake was good. But his frustration left a bitter taste in his mouth.

As his plate was emptied, Levi thought once again about leaving. But in that exact moment, seemingly out of nowhere, Hange appeared by his side.

“Planning to ditch the party early?” she wiggled her eyebrows, staring at him with unmasked mischief.

“It’s your birthday, not mine, four-eyes.”

“Exactly!” Hange threw an arm over his shoulders. “You’re my guest of honor!”

Ignoring the awakening of butterflies in his stomach and chalking them up to the effects of Sasha’s cake, Levi grunted, “Meaning?”

“Meaning I want you to stay!”

Levi rolled his eyes. He couldn’t really say no to Hange today, right? Although, he had troubles saying no to her any other day as well…

“And thank you for spending the whole evening with me,” Hange punctuated her gratitude with a kiss to his cheek. The butterflies were now flying freely, making Levi dizzy. It was hard to deny their origin anymore, with the trigger standing so close to him. “It was the best birthday I ever had.”

Well, that was all the gratitude Levi needed.

Before she left his side to receive more birthday wishes from their friends, Hange put her mouth above his ear, lowering her voice to a whisper, “Stay until the end, shorty. I’m not finished with you.”

She bounced off before he could give an answer. Perhaps, it was fairly obvious to her.

After all, how he could refuse Hange on the day of her birthday? How could he say no to receiving more of her attentions, and kisses?

With a satisfied hum, Levi settled against the wall, aiming his glare at all the guests. He couldn’t wait until all of them would leave. He couldn’t wait to have Hange all to himself.

[cateringisalie]

My list of bearable Binal Bantasy VII tags is thinning...

But seriously. Being skeptical of Tifa’s narration of past events is not without merit. By the time the Lifestream scene rolls around she has been through three comas and some grevious injuries. The Lifestream scene is as revelatory for her as it is for Cloud.

The new assertion she was in any way actually friends with Cloud is not only in conflict with the OG’s portrayal but counter to Cloud’s development, her development, the growth of their relationship as adults and why (in general) people have them stay together post game.

Its unnecessary, frustrating and further damaging Tifa’s character who is spinning off further from who she was.

That Tifa and Cloud were not actually childhood friends does not mean they do not have a relationship in FFVII. It does not mean they cannot be together. Tifa “falling in love” with Cloud at the water-tower does not for a second make their later relationship any more meaningful.

All this new ship information does is make the relationship have longer longevity than previously assumed. As if whichever relationship has lasted longer is betterer and stronger. As if this should automatically undercut any other relationship Cloud or Tifa can possibly experience.

(in fact - and darkly cynically - this feels a lot more like enforcing that Cloud/Tifa and Zack/Aerith operate in near exactly the same way. The pairs fall in love in record time (two years prior to the Nibelheim incident both times as far as I’m ware), the boys go missing and the girls never move on with their lives. I get the boys have gone missing without a shred of explanation or closure, but now for both of them people are willing to wipe out a quarter of their lives waiting. Teenagers are resilient you know? They will be inconsolable if this happened but they would bounce back a lot faster and cleaner than they would expect. The approval of the never moving on this is purely to keep the shipping uncomplicated. There can only be one pairing for Tifa, there can only be one pairing for Aerith. And if you think otherwise you’re wrong in canon. And who wants to write or read about a non-canon ship? Unless its yaoi/yuri in any case. I am so tired)

Childhood friends incidentally is not, however much some insist, a common trope of the series - unless you stretch it a fair amount and it encompasses a trivial number of the pairings. And none of the big ones (you know; Squall/Rinoa or Tidus/Yuna).

Could Tifa do with more backstory? Of course. Did Tifa’s mother deserve a name? Absolutely! But not like this. Not when Cloud helping round up cats in Remake is now tied to finding Tifa’s cat in a new authored backstory. This speaks again to the constant magpie-ing of existing imagery and moments from older parts of FFVII to feed the present. The retconning in of importance by changing the meaning of otherwise unimportant moments.

Tifa is not and never was under any obligation to like Cloud as a child. She did not bully him, but neither should she expected to involve him in anything she did. I understand the book has muddied this gloriously, but for what effect?

I mean, I know where the desperation to make Cloud and Tifa childhood friends stems from. I know why you want Cloud to have fallen in love with Tifa at like age 5 or something and for Tifa to fall in love with him at 13. And I rail against it all the time that its not necessary. Being first does not mean better.

Maybe I am old, cynical and exhausted, but I kind of like watching Cloud and Tifa grow closer in FFVII. I like watching Cloud and Aeris grow closer in FFVII. I like to experience these things where I can... experience them? I don’t like reading books which assert things in blunt statements that clarify exactly what the writer intended. I certainly don’t have the patience to wait for a later book to clarify what happened on-screen when I have drawn my own conclusions based on my preferences. Especially as this is all contributing to that continued sense that the OG is a smelly, badly designed embarrassment we would rather tiday away for the crime of being graphically inferior (never mind it was championed on its looks on release) and “goofy” (and apparently unable to run the gamut of emotions I remember from serious to comedy, to silly, to tragic, to pessimistic and quietly optimistic and moving).

I’m coming back to this point to stress it - I want to see the relationship growth. Remake gave me that for Aerith and Cloud even if the details aren’t to my taste. First meeting is awkward because hey, random stranger/Cloud is tired. Cloud gets involved and spends more time with Aerith. And the high-five thing is used as a clumsy/awkward/eh but clear metaphor for how their relationship develops over the course of their time together.

To the point that yes, it makes sense for Cloud to want to rescue her. Less sense for Elmyra and Tifa to be “Well they might not vivisect her” and then delay for two full chapters, but the whole thing flows.

And here’s where I get accused of being a fake fan: I don’t like how Cloud and Tifa’s relationship develops in Remake. Flirting. Tifa being mildly fazed by Cloud claiming its been five years. Scared when he almost kills Johnny. Maybe hurt depending on your resolution scene (hey podcast people! No Gold Saucer multiple dates because too expensive? How are there branched resolution scenes in Remake then?). But there isn’t growth. They seem to fit into each other’s lives without worry, bit of flirting, strange super-intense moments jammed into inappropriate sequences (the train roll, climbing the plate, Cloud remembering the promise unprompted, Tifa not actually engaged with Avalanche’s plans). There’s no sense anything has changed between them, the missed five years has done anything to them.

And I’m sure some would take this as proof of correctness. But... somehow Remake is better for realism despite a lot of new clumsy, but this relationship is not dinged for being implausible? No way does that five year gap not seriously impact any prior relationship to say nothing of developing from scratch.

See this was a neat thing about the OG; while Tifa seemed to have an edge over Aerith by knowing Cloud longer, he was in effect meeting them at the same point in his life and more or less starting from scratch with both. Both ships are valid, and even if Cloud is with Tifa come the end, it doesn’t mean he can’t have romantic feelings about both women.

Oh, but Nojima has changed his mind/always intended it this way. And? I can change my mind about liking what he’s written - and my patience and tolerance of Nojima has waned massively since 1997. To the point where his involvement invokes a pained groan from me.

Plus the hilarious attitude that this is from the same people who insisted “the OG will always be there, stop moaning about Remake”. Well guess what? I don’t like Remake and I don’t really want it around. The OG is better.

Yes, Tifa is under-served and sure, it could be clearer about shipping (but the apparent hostility to ambiguity and personal interpretation is deeply distressing. These things can mean something to you and don’t have to mean the same thing to everyone. Interpreting the romancs - again - not a competition).

BUT

I will take the OG version of Tifa where she believed in the cause, where she had friends (again, yes, the relationship between Tifa and the rest of Avalanche is not well depicted, but it was better than actively curtailing it), where she ran a bar THAT ACTUALLY OPENED AND SERVED CUSTOMERS, where she hated Shinra, where she didn’t know how to treat Cloud because she had only really talked to him once in her life and DESPITE THAT that they great closer and spent their last night before THE END OF THE WORLD together over the Remake.

Where Tifa is wary of Cloud for about 5 seconds, twice and then defaults to constant flirting. Where Cloud is near smothering Tifa every second they’re together and she doesn’t tell him to fuck off once. Where she’s allied with Avalanche but hates their methods (and the pacifists are in a shop around the corner and she is not with them because...?). Where she has some absurd contrived plot about medical bills and buying Seventh Heaven for Barret and Marlene.

Which would lead to a whole other rant titled “Marle is the Worst” but this has dragged on quite long enough.

But seriously; if you argue that we can’t hate Remake because OG is always there, then you have to stop applying Remake back to OG and using it as proof. Which is exactly why many people bemoaned the Remake at all. OG is one thing, Remake is another. I don’t care for the latter.

And I know if anyone does read all this it will be about the meanie Cleriths who diminish Tifa for no good reason. And yes, they are indeed acting in bad faith. But what makes you think for a second evidence will convince these people?

In particular, the argument has raged so long and always will because if people do not like a ship they will not accept it as canon (if they care about this as a factor) NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. Literally. Look at Loki if you want the most recent example of this.

Canon is to many “what I want” and often does not tally with the general interpretation. And you know, if being “canon” or guessing right early wasn’t triumphed as such a vital thing, we might not get these really terrible and pointless arguments.

Canon is a prize but here’s the big secret: fandom - in general - does not care. FFVII is an excellent case example given Sefikura overwhelms the other ships (and I think AZGSC is close?). And that’s not canon. That’s not even in the ballpark of the Cloud/Tifa vs Cloud/Aerith arena (even give that the former is roughly twice the size of the latter, you already won, so please stop?). Canon is only important if you think its important - and you get some more official art of sequences you can gif. And maybe you get kissing/implied sex/marriage/kids, but most of all you get a smug sense of superiority. And the last is why I have no patience with this.

[wardens-stew]

The Bone Season - unpacking Paige’s card reading!

To pass the time as I obsess about the imminent release of The Mask Falling, I’ve been thinking about when Liss did a card reading for Paige in TBS - and Elspeth elaborated on it in TSR - and felt like going back to it to see what’s been revealed and what we might glean about what’s yet to come. 

1 - Five of Cups (past)

CONFIRMED - Paige’s father mourning her mother

“You lost something when you were very small. There’s a man with auburn hair. It’s his cups that are spilled.” “My father,” I said. “Yes. You’re standing behind him, speaking to him. He doesn’t answer. He stares at a picture.” 

2 - King of Wands (present)

CONFIRMED - Jaxon’s hold on Paige 

“He controls you. Even now, you can’t escape his hold.” “Warden?” “I don’t think so. Still, he has power. His expectations of you are too high. You’re afraid of him.” Jaxon.

3 - The Devil (future); 4 - The Lovers (what to do)

LOW-KEY CONFIRMED - The Devil as the darkness within Paige; The Lovers as Paige and Warden

“This card represents a force of hopelessness, restriction, fear—but you’ve given into it yourself. There’s a shadow that the Devil represents, but I can’t see its face. Whatever power this person will have over you, you will be able to escape it. They’ll make you think you’re tied to them forever, but you won’t be. You’ll just think you are... The next card will tell you what to do when the time comes.”

I looked down at the fourth card. “The Lovers?” “Yes.” Her voice had dropped to a monotone. “I can’t see much. There’s tension between spirit and flesh. Too much.” 

Elspeth and Paige unpack this in TSR:

Two naked figures were on either side of the pedestal, bound to it, and by extension, to each other, by a silver chain. 

“The two figures in the Devil card closely resemble the couple in the Lovers card, which comes next. They could almost be Lovers... The Devil controls them. Manipulates them.” 

The words left a fine sweat on my brow. Controls them. Manipulates them. The Devil could be Terebell. Both Warden and I were chained to her: Warden by his loyalty, me by my need for her money. And we were also bound to each other by a chain, albeit a chain of gold.

“Someone stands over the pair in the Lovers card, too, though there’s no chain.” Elspeth pointed to a winged figure above the man and woman. “I’m not certain what the figure represents in this instance, but... someone is always watching this couple.”

There’s a good deal of evidence that the Lovers refers to Warden, as Paige points out, but she still isn’t sure:

“As a Rephaite, Warden was the pivot between spirit and flesh. We had always felt watched, knowing the consequences of discovery. If he represented the path I should be taking, then by trying to distance myself from him, by telling him we had to part, I had gone astray; I had turned my back on the counsel of the cards.

And yet, he could so easily be the Devil himself... or a puppet-master in its service, keeping me chained to it, to Terebell. Was he meant to be my lover or my downfall?”

She remains ambivalent, but there’s that important moment towards the end, with Jaxon:

“You will understand that all of us are devils in the skins of men. You will become the monster that lives inside us all.”

I started away from him. This wasn't the first time that his words had sounded like a prediction. The Devil. Had it been me all along? Was it the devil in myself - the devil deep beneath my skin - that I was meant to resist?”

She doesn't really arrive at a conclusion, but I think this theory is pretty convincing! I’m not quite sure if it lines up with the idea of the Devil manipulating and controlling the Lovers, though - does it make sense that the dark instincts in Paige are manipulating her and Warden?? It would fit more easily if the Devil were a person rather than something abstract.

I also think there’s more to be said about Elspeth’s observation that “someone is always watching this couple.” Paige attributes this to her general feeling of being watched in her clandestine relationship with Warden, but Elspeth’s remark suggests that something more deliberate and concrete is going on. That’s quite unnerving - the possibility that someone is literally watching Paige and Warden. I think it may be part of the larger role that their intimacy is playing on the world stage, although they’re not yet aware of it.

5 - Death, Inverted (external influences)

NOT YET DETERMINED

“Death is a normal card for voyants. Usually it appears in the past or present positions. But here, inverted—I’m not sure.” Her eyes flickered beneath their lids. “This far ahead, my sight gets hazy. Things are vague. I know the world will change around you, and you’ll do everything in your power to resist it. Death itself will work in different ways. By delaying the change, you’ll prolong your own suffering.”

Ok, I think this is definitely alluding to the possible events of TMF and Book 5 and the furthering of the Prometheus and Pandora parallel. I did some digging about the divinatory associations of the card:

DEATH.—End, mortality, destruction, corruption; also, for a man, the loss of a benefactor; for a woman, many contrarieties; for a maid, failure of marriage projects. Reversed: Inertia, sleep, lethargy, petrifaction, somnambulism; hope destroyed.

The card, drawn in reverse, can be interpreted as stagnation and the inability to move or change.

In the Mythic Tarot deck, Death is depicted by Hades.

Shit is going to get real!! “Death itself will work in different ways” -  This supports @growingstronglikeahighgardenrose‘s theory that Paige might end up going to the underworld in a Persephone/Eurydice parallel and someone will be forced to stay in the underworld for a period of time - likely Warden. The association with Hades also suggests that Warden will be involved, possibly put in some sort of slumber. I could definitely see Paige resisting this change and the ensuing separation from Warden. 

6 - Eight of Swords (hopes and fears)

NOT YET DETERMINED

“The card showed a woman, bound in a circle of upturned swords. She wore a blindfold. Liss’s skin glowed with sweat. “I can see you. You’re afraid.” Her voice trembled. “I can see your face. You can’t move in any direction. You can stay in one place, trapped, or feel the pain of the swords.”

A little info on the eight of swords, thanks to Wikipedia:

The Querent is in a situation where they're afraid to move. If they move, they'll get cut. However, the ropes that bind them and the blindfold over their eyes are their own fears, keeping them immobile. Therefore, the longer they stay, the more they constrain and entrap themselves. Ever been in a situation where you're afraid to say anything, so afraid that you second guess yourself, end up saying nothing, tying yourself in knots? But speaking up is going to get you cut to ribbons? That's this card. The Querent must have the strength to endure the cuts or they will stay trapped. They must move, for the longer they let the situation continue, the worse it will get.

Ok this is pretty far off so it’s hard to make sense of it. But it seems that Paige is going to be trapped and needs to free herself, though she will suffer for it. I have the feeling that this situation will be fairly literal, especially if the Persephone & Pandora myth holds - Paige could be stuck in some weird state maybe in the netherworld or in a dreamwalking state from which she needs to escape. Not sure if the suffering refers to collateral damage - like Warden will be hurt if she tries to escape - or if she herself will be hurt or changed by freeing herself. It’s all pretty abstract and theoretical at this point.

7 - ?????

The big mystery! I have absolutely no clue how this series will end, and it’s pretty difficult to speculate. But it’s worth thinking about what kind of ending would make sense in terms of the mythology and the larger arc of this story. I’m really anxious about whether Warden and Paige and their relationship will make  it through intact - this doesn’t really seem like the kind of series to end super duper happily like somehow everyone’s problems are solved and the world is utopian - but I also can’t see how an ending in which they were separated/dead/irreversibly damaged would be a satisfying one (pls Samantha Shannon just let them be happy!!!). This is mostly just me trying to convince myself that it’s not going to be some Allegiant-type shit - Samantha Shannon is obviously comfortable inflicting pain on her characters, but I doubt she’d do that kind of fuck-you ending where everyone is screwed. I have faith that it’ll be a satisfying and meaningful conclusion. 

Random sidenote, super bizarre and probably meaningless, but Samantha Shannon once mentioned in an answer to a Tumblr ask that there was a pregnancy storyline in TBS when she initially planned it, but she figured Twilight already did the “immortal hybrid baby thing” and eventually decided she didn’t want Paige to have kids. Then she says, “I won’t rule out writing a fun ‘what if’ chapter once the series is over, though. I just wouldn’t make it canon.” SOOOOooo.... what I’m hearing is that Paige and Warden both make it through to the end of the series alive and in a position to have kids?????

[orangenfrottee]

Hey ho there, feel free to ignore this and I hope I'm not bugging you as I awkwardly slide in here, but I must ask: if you had full creative control of the show, how would you run season 5? You can pick and choose whatever leaks you want to include.

Ah!!! Thank you for your ask <3 I might have spent a couple nights typing out my answer, but in short: I'd cherry pick old story arcs, bring back everyone I like and who doesn't run when they hear Riverdale's calling.

I'd definitely get some decent writers (I'm partial to Jane Espenson, but no idea if she'd be a good fit) and definitely some diversity. I might accidentally fire all men and then play up all their shitty recurring themes for fun as a weird inside joke between me and the show.

I think if they ever gave me creative control of the show it would swerf hard to the crazy and not leave that lane because honestly, i think that's what Riverdale does best.

So, where would I start...

Instead of giving season four a decent ending, I would start with an extra long pilot with the title 'previously on' where the best and most important bits of the teens' school lives is shown with a heavy focus on Jason and the Farm. Parallely, we get to see the lovestory of Chic and Charles. The episode ends with a few very short scenes of the prom where everyone's happy and pretty.

Then we'd start on the real season five. It's been seven years and our characters are older and more grown up.

The show would at first only present the present lifesbof our characters and the barest bones structure to keep as much a little mysterious as possible (but here I tell you what happened during timeskip, too).

Archie is often considered the main character, so let's start with him:

Archie went to the Army after school (though he didn't actually pass his exams and thus didn't graduate, Mr Honey was quite amused). On his most recent tour he met someone special: Eric, his new friend.

Archie was wounded in battle with a... giant mutated elephant with sharp teeth and hallucinogenic venom. Or something. He isn't really sure what happened, but he's got a huge new scar all over his torso. The abs stayed in tact, but oh his pride. During recovery he met new wheelchair user (and on occasion crutches) Eric who has trouble walking since his legs are misshapen/he only has one. Archie thinks Eric got maimed by the same elephant he was, but thinks it rude to ask.

For Eric I'm picturing Sabrina's Ambrose.

With his hurt pride, Archie can't stay with the military and decides to go back to Riverdale.

Eric doesn't have a place to go, so Archie invites him along.

They need a job and since Eric has a calendar full of sexy half naked firefighters AND since they both have abs, Archie decides that type of uniform is the perfect fit for them and trades his newly renovated and well running boxing gym against the old fire station Penelope Blossom owns. (Literally, they even meet at Pop's to exchange keys and sign papers Penelope brought that Archie doesn't even skim.)

The fire station is quite out of everything, but it has a huge pool Eric likes to swim in and a fire truck. To make ends meet Archie sells his sperm to the Greendale sperm bank.

Archie is of course in love with Eric but unfamiliar with the concept of bisexuality and struggles to identify his attraction for what it is. Eric is a foreigner to Riverdale (or is he?) and unfamiliar with the town's culture and quirks. Still, something going on in Sweetwater River seems to be related to him.

Archie and Eric share the Andrews' House - and in the house next door... live Gladys Jones and Polly Cooper!

After Jughead and Betty left for College Alice' horrid mom impulses settled on Jellybean who didn't stand back, grind her teeth and took it but instead broke Alice' teeth. Her and FP were not amused (though FP was also angry at Alice for being too strict). Alice moves out but stays as a journalist in town.

FP gets in trouble for being a brutal gang leader without a gang beating up criminals behind the boxing gym on tape. Not wanting to go to an illegal fighting club prison, he hides with Canadian Serpents behind the border. (Joaquin's identical twin brother and Ricky live there, too. They're happy there.)

Maybe he'd call once or twice with misleading wrong snake facts that have nothing to do with the current mystery of the episode but fit into perfectly by chance.

Jellybean was invited along, but she chose to stay because she thinks Riverdale is rad and the old Cooper House is luxurious as hell. Also, her mom came back to become the new Sheriff!

Nearly seven years in, Gladys still holds the position because no one legally qualified wants it and she manages to keep gang violence at an all time low for Riverdale. Plus, she and Mary Andrews are not exactly friends but able to work well together. When there's another serial killer running wild in town she has no problem with having another girlfriend of Mary who happens to be a skilled professional in the most relevant field take over for a bit. If needed, the Riverdale gangs are usually willing to add muscle to good causes, too.

Jellybean has left Riverdale for university and will only be present for holidays and breaks. She'd still be played by Trinity because I love her and honestly, real nineteen year olds look like fourteen year olds everywhere in the world. Also this gives the viewers 'Archie vision': he will always see his best friend's toddling baby sister in the young woman which makes her the only undatable (legal) female on this planet for him.

While attending Riverdale High she lead the Andrews Boxing Gym and made it the most successful gym in the area. It won't be a plot point in the show (apart from her being angry at Archie for just trading it against trash) but there will be framed newspaper articlesband the like in Gladys' house.

Around the time everyone graduated, Polly was released from Shady Grooves and is back to her old smart self - and really missing her babies! As Choni leave for whatever private college Blossom women have always gone to, Polly takes them and goes home - just to learn on the porch that not only did her mother sell her childhood home more than a year ago without anyone ever telling her, the college fund she never had gotten legal access to and planned to use for the twins is gone too and her sister left town without saying goodbye.

Gladys has always taken care of all the stray kids she found no matter how tight the budget was and now there's this young desolate mother with twin toddlers in front of her posh murder house she'd gotten for cheap and she has this new gig as sheriff. Of course, she takes them in.

They stay in Betty's old room at first, but they soon get to remodel the attic to give Polly her own room. At present, Dagwood has Polly/Chic/JB's old room and Juniper the one facing Archie's. (When Archie sees her in the room, he actually has a flashback once to when he and Betty used to be so young, but then Juniper turns her gead, stares at him really creepily and smiles weirdly. Archie will be somewhat scared from then onwards and be reminded of when everyone thought Polly might gave killed Jason. Juniper would murder.)

At first, Polly's a full time, stay at home mom, but once the kids are older, she starts working part-time: for Gladys.

It turns out they work amazing together. Gladys tends to jump to convenient conclusions and threatens violence way to freely. Also, she is intimidating as fuck.

Polly is everything she isn't: level headed (to a point, in comparison at least), brilliant at combining clues and steering people (remember how she infiltrated Thornhill and made Cheryl unknowingly assist in her snooping plans?). On top of that, she has these stepford smiles and all the ways to appear unthreatening drillend into her head. Honestly, she and Betty are quite alike. While Betty has the lockpicking skills and knows her way around cars, Polly used to be really into fashion (or something) and, with all her experiences at the Sisters, the Farm and Shady Groves, Polly knows psychology.

She started solving some of Gladys' cases at the breakfast table, but now she's officially a deputy or an advisor or something. They're essentially like FP and Jughead, just that Polly is an adult (and that she wouldn't be in a gang beating suspects up regularly).

(These characters would all be mostly in the background though.)

Veronica finally gained perspective on her relationship to her father and grew up. Hiram's cut out of her life for good. They won't ever interact. (In fact, Hiram either moved to New York or he had a minor traffic accident where he lost all of his memory for good and now lives as Ram Rod and works as a trainer at Penelope's newly acquired boxing gym. Everyone is confused about it but doesn't care to ask.)

Veronica is successful at whatever she's doing and doesn't plan on ever moving back to Riverdale, but maybe something is up at Pop's that requires her checking up on in person and she just happens to cross paths with Betty who is also just there for the weekend. And they haven't had quality time together for years, because it's so hard to stay in contact sometimes even with people you love so much you'd die to keep them safe.

If I could come up with something meaningful for them to catch up on emotionally, I'd have them sitting together in a booth at Pop's for a whole episode just talking (but I'm not that deep).

Veronica might be engaged, but we see it fall through without really getting to meet the guy. She mostly just talks to Betty about him on occasion but in a somewhat messed up way. Ultimately, she realises how she treats him in some regards like Hiram treated her and her mother. She wants to grow up further and not be like her father anymore. Since the fiance was only a trophy pawn, she breaks it off and concentrates on introspection/ maybe therapy for a bit.

Later that season her sister comes back and surprise: Hermosa embraced becoming Daddy.

(These would have to be restricted to two half episodes only, she definitely deserves story arcs that aren't about her dad.)

Careerwise: she has a couple businesses, maybe a restaurant chain or a franchise and she seems to collect startups. She reinvests a lot and has to travel quite a bit but can work remotely too.

Everyone seems to want FBI agent Betty and if I'd go that route I'd have her demask Charles as the fraude fake FBI who hires guns for hire and fake emergency teams while making up fantasy horror stories about serial killer genes to scare his biological family into killing each other that I wholeheartedly believe he is. But I also like Betty's interest in mechanics and would love for her to have a career in mechanical engineering. Maybe she switched majors at uni and now works for a company developing prosthetics. Maybe she tries to get Eric into joining a study. (I mean, prosthetic legs would help his work as a fire fighter...).

She's in town to visit Polly and the twins but after talking to Veronica she spontaneously stays in town. She can do her work remotely, really. The two of them move into a two bedroom 'shared bnb' (or whatever it was called in season two) and we finally get to see their friendship on screen.

Betty isn't in a relationship at the moment abd she's so into her work, she isn't looking for one either.

Jughead had broken up with Betty seven years ago and never really had a well working relationship after. He's grown obsessed with finding a way to recreate what he had with Betty.

Not in a totally creepy psycho way, he's simply not understanding that he might be sex positive and he had been in love with Betty, but he is ace and quite aro, too. It doesn't help, that he finds people sexually attractive on their online profiles just to be repulsed by the tought of even kissing them goodbye in person.

(I don't think tv is generally a fitting medium for this, but I guess he can narrate for himself and make it work.)

I guess he has to be an author. Obsessed as he is about finding love again (he wouldn't call it like that) he figures it had either been the location or the constant fear for his life. He chooses to return to Riverdale. He probably instantly moves with everything he owns to Riverdale (not that it's much beside a modern laptop, the typewriter and his camera).

Archie gives the great advice how Jughead is obviously still innlove with Betty, duh.

He of course runs into Betty some day, they end up investigating some random murder together and find themselves in familiar positions and kiss - but it just isn't there anymore. Jughead feels nothing and Betty isn't really into it either.

Veronica later points him in the direction of maybe not being allo (because she used to question herself as aro).

Funfact: Jughead would have failed graduation with Archie if Mr Honey didn't forge some records that weren't actually submitted from Stonewall (they claim all records were deleted during a power outage). Jughead knows and is deeply shamed.

Thornhill has been renovated! Toni is pregnant! Choni will be raising their kids (surprise, it's going to be twins!) in Cheryl's ancestral home. Choni are married and happy.

Toni has reopened the White Worm with Fangs somewhere at the Southside and yes, let's make her the official Serpent Queen. Let her work lots of social causes (remember toys for tots?), grey area rule bending for good and of course she works well with Gladys. I've seen talk about her being a social worker floating around and honestly, I think that works amazing. She's working the local cases (and a few unofficial ones) and I think she and Cheryl are registered foster parents. On occasion (like once) they'd be shown taking care of a random kid.

Cheryl used her College time to study two things: business and Riverdale town history. Remember how in season two she took so much pride in her ancestors because she believed them to be good people? She might be disillusioned but she is the Blossom heiress and her and Toni's as well as Jason's kids will one day inherit a better family legacy. She'll invest in Southside rebuilding projects, advocate for new town memorials, maybe rebrand some of the Blossom product lines. Something like that

She won't run for mayor yet, but she's definitely invested in (local) politics.

Of course the pregnancy was with artificial insemination, the donor was either an unsuspecting red head from the Greendale Sperm Bank or they use some of Jason's that has surly been saved to guarantee the Blossom line when everywhere was scary talk about sperm counts going down due to mobile phones.

In addition: the maple factories need worker bees! Cheryl has a few programs with Toni to get Serpents/random Riverdalians newly released from prison or just with bad luck into a steady job and a cushy appartement overlooking the ex prison on the Southside. Pop's is also participating. Ethel works as a landlady for said appartement complex.

Also, why not add a second Blossom-Topaz lovestory to underline this incest-adjacent show and bring back Toni's grandpa and set him up with Nana Blossom. XD

Then during this season's arc, the Blossom uncle's corpse will be found in the river and the mistery is whether the FBI will figure out who the corpse us and what happened or not.

I love Reggie. Since Varchie is unlikely thanks to Eric, him and Veronica rekindling their relationship would definitely be a possibility I'm into, but he also seems to have an interesting connection with Kevin and Fangs that could be built on.

He would definitely have a car he'd love very much and I think it would still be Bella.

I'm not sure about his career, but it wouldn't include his father's car dealership. Maybe he'd be a successful movie star just in town between movie shootings.

Kevin was doing something with musicals on Katy Keene, I think? Writing or directing? He was trying to nake it big, but some plans fell through. Now he's back in Riverdale. Luckily, they are just about to open Riverdale's first theater in the relatively newly built but forever closed prison. Next to the Southside Theater the complex holds a mall and the White Worm.

Fangs works full time as the manager of the WW that he co-owns with Toni. He meets Kevin again once he's back in town.

Sweet-Pea somehow ended up as a junior doctor at the Riverdale hospital. He spends all of his scarce free time at the WW.

Some of the background Pretty Poisons officially work for the police now. Different than Gladys, they are actually ccccc for the positions they hold.

Peaches works as a manager for one of Cheryl's companies. She's happily married and has a kid (or something).

How long in prison do you get in the US for standing in as the head figure of a crazy pen and paper cult that has literal murders committed in his name? As a blond white dude probably just parole? So honestly, once they actually bring his case to court (and they have nothing against him because anyone could have been under the mask at any one time and people know of different gargoyle kings) he's released of all charges. No one in Riverdale actually knows though since his case took forever, Bughead had already left Riverdale and Alice didn't step up to follow the case. No one wrote about it, so no one knows. They just assume that of course the guy will be locked away forever, he's guilty.

In reality, he and Charles have bought a house somewhere in a different street of Riverdale where they aren't quite known and have adopted a couple kids.

Charles meets Alice regularly for lunch and she thinks he's this workaholic FBI agent only living for solving crime. They play a long con game I don't know the goal of.

(They have been behind the tapes even if that storyline gets totally ignored. They pretend FP being in exile is their doing, but the tape responsible was just a random security camera in the area.)

Josie's plans in New York sadly fell through (I haven't seen any Katy Keene but I want her back)

Lot's of bonding scenes with her brother Kevin who's also back in town. The two share a flat and on occasion burst into song together. Since I've already invented the Southside Theater, maybe she'd find a job there, too.

Val and Melody stayed in Riverdale aftee highschool and made careers in town for themselves. Maybe Melody at city hall and Val as a marketing specialist at the farm, Riverdale's most outstanding new grocery mart. Half of all Riverdalians don't get the controversy of the name, the others either think it's brilliant or tasteless. (Kevin for example has repressed the nemories so gard, he doesn't get it. Josie is very protective and angry at Val for working there.) The store belongs to the eccentric redhaired Eva Everafter or whatever pseudonym Evelyn can come up with to thinly hide her identity behind.

Somewhere in it I'd throw in a few lines vaguely referencing older happenings like "I still can't drink tap water" and the very first time Veronica sees Archie again after seven years she identifies him through his ab muscles.

So in short: Archie would be very dumb, everyone else is just there.

Also: Pop's would serve 50% vegan burgers and milkshakes so I could dig in with gusto.

[panharmonium]

some meandering bbc merlin thoughts that got too long for tags on this gifset.

normal disclaimers apply, which, given that i’m evaluating media, means that these are just my own thoughts and nobody else need agree with them; i don’t expect all of us to have the exact same impressions of tv shows. :) 

now, without further ado:

i started to type a novel in the tags of that gifset, but it got too long, so i’m moving it over to an actual post.  and what i wanted to say there is this: my thing about arthur isn’t that his story was badly written.  it’s that it was incomplete.

it’s probably more common for folks to assign responsibility to the writing, and that’s totally fine; i definitely get it - there are places in this show where i think things could have been handled better as well.  (i did write sixteen pages about how poorly executed the finale was, after all.)  but for my own part, i personally don’t think most of the story was badly written.  i think it was unfinished.

and what i mean by that is that i sincerely think that almost everything bbc merlin did could have been pulled together in a meaningful way after 5.11, and that if this had happened, then we would be evaluating the previous seasons differently, because things that seemed to not fit or be nonsensical or not be given enough attention would have been pursued all the way through to their natural conclusions.  

i’m not sure if it’s because i watched the show so late, or because i watched it in a spoiler-phobic bubble isolated from fandom input, but my own assessment of this show seems to exist in kind of a weird limbo-place on the spectrum of fandom opinions, because i don’t like how it ended, but i also don’t dislike the writing, up to the point of the finale.  are there things that could have been improved, or quibbles i have?  definitely.  i can list them for you.  but overall?  i still believed in the story at the 5.11 mark.  there were things i sometimes thought ‘oh, i’m not sure about this,’ but i always gave the show the benefit of the doubt, because i truly did feel that things were going somewhere.  anything the show did that gave me pause wasn’t something that couldn’t eventually have been made meaningful, if the show had actually...been finished.* 

(*elyan’s death excepted.  that’s one of the things on my list, and i think it might be the only thing besides the finale that doesn’t fall under the criteria i’ll discuss below.  it was a bad decision, flat-out, and could not have been improved by finishing the story.)

so for example, morgana.  if i were going to critique her development, yeah, i’d say that we don’t get enough of her internal conflict; she goes from the voice of moral authority to (apparently) delighting in wickedness very quickly, offscreen, and the constant smirking doesn’t show us what we know must be true - that she hasn’t become like this because she enjoys it; that she is wounded and her rage at arthur, gwen, merlin et al comes from a very real place of pain.  

but, as i said above - even though her development was something i recognized as questionable while i was watching, it didn’t make me too nervous, because i really trusted that the story was eventually and slowly taking us to the place it needed to go.  you could see her conflict, sometimes, in her confrontations with arthur, and that conflict finally took center stage in 5.09, when mordred confronted her and appealed to her humanity.  they were getting there.

and evaluating her development solely from what we ended up getting, i agree: now the writing just looks Bad.  but it wouldn’t have been bad, if it had been finished.  i would have completely believed morgana closing herself off from regret/sadness/compassion/any feelings at all for her former friends; it would have been okay for her to be so smirky, cold, etc; because it wouldn’t have been the endpoint for her arc, but rather a front to protect herself from the true conflict she felt.  we would have gotten more than that.  the story would have taken her farther than that.  but the story was incomplete, and so everything that came before it just looks like a mess that ran off a cliff.

this is how i feel about almost all of the “questionable” writing things on this show.  it’s not that they were ‘bad’ decisions in and of themselves, but they look that way in the rearview mirror because they never had the chance to develop into what they were supposed to be. 

take arthur, for another example.  i honestly don’t have a problem with his arc in S4 and S5.  i completely believe what a horrible and unadmirable mess he is for most of S4.  i believe that he would absolutely revert to thinking about “what would my father do” as soon as the realities of kingship are thrust upon him.  and i love how in S5 he’s moved past that and IS admirable in so many other ways, but then we start once again addressing the central conflict, which is that he’s still oppressing part of his population, and he starts to hit roadblocks again.  5.05 and 5.11 are the crisis points there, and honestly, i didn’t have a problem with how they unfolded (i mean, i did, but not in the sense of ‘this is bad writing and i hate it.’  rather in the sense of ‘this is fucking painful but i believe it’).  

the problem for me was never that it took arthur too long to accept magic or that he backslid or anything like that, because quite frankly i found all of that to be believable, given the circumstances.  the problem was that the show ended before he was ever allowed to progress past that.  he never atoned for anything he did.  he, like morgana, was never allowed to go where he was meant to go, because the show stopped before it was over.  if he had, all of his previous missteps wouldn’t have felt so much like ‘bad writing,’ they would have just been natural steps on his long journey.

same thing goes for gwen.  do i have a problem with her being sidelined towards the end of the show?  abso-fucking-LUTELY.  that’s on my list.  did her relationship with morgana deserve a resolution?  YES.  but it still could have happened!  if there had been more time, the show could have dealt with that.  gwen’s enchantment by morgana could have meant something, could have prompted something bigger; gwen could have taken the reins and started pushing arthur, who has entrenched himself into old ways, to start thinking from a place of compassion, even though it’s risky and it scares her.  or she could have broken with arthur’s decisions completely and made a move of her own.  if they had been given the time, nothing that happened to gwen prior to 5.11 precluded her character from going somewhere important.

and merlin - merlin could have gotten what he deserved, which is a resolution to the question he’s been struggling with since literally day one: how do i justify serving a regime that oppresses me?  how do i reconcile my responsibility to my people (and MYSELF) with an externally-imposed responsibility to protect arthur?  

merlin never settles on an answer to that question.  or rather, the answer he’s given is that he doesn’t need to be conflicted in the first place; protecting arthur was the right thing to do (even though it ultimately achieves nothing).

merlin deserved to have a chance to work out the answer to that question for himself, rather than having his core dilemma wiped aside.  and, much like my opinion on everyone else’s arcs, i don’t think the writing on this show ever took merlin to a place where this problem couldn’t be addressed.  i don’t find merlin’s arc questionable; i am fully convinced by the hole he’s dug for himself by 5.11.  merlin’s descent into single-minded preservation of arthur’s life at the expense of his own welfare/moral compass is absolutely tragic, yet also absolutely believable, to me - merlin’s been told all along that saving arthur is the only way to save his people, and now he’s been presented with so much evidence to the contrary - and yet he doesn’t want to admit that it’s all been for nothing - it’s honestly…i honestly actually think it’s spectacularly crafted.  that scene with finna in 5.10 is absolutely the most devastating thing i think i’ve ever witnessed on this show - when merlin’s on the verge of passing out and he murmurs, ‘it won’t always be like this.  things will be better.’  and you can see he’s just telling himself a lie, over and over again, trying to believe.  and then when he says ‘running…from arthur?’ because he knows, he knows it’s true that arthur is the real threat, arthur is the one with the sword at all their throats, but merlin has come to care about him so much - 

truly, they hit a point there that was just - fucking amazing.  that was the moment.  that, leading into 5.11, was the axis point for merlin’s unavoidable moral crisis, and there was so much potential there and so many places for it to go, but then the show just ended.  conflicts wiped away.  no wrongs ever righted.  merlin never comes into his own.  he never finds his feet.

but he could have.

so again.  what i’m saying here is that for me, for my particular experience with this show, i actually don’t dislike the writing, up until the very finale.  i think the writing actually brought us to a place that was fairly exploding with possibility.  but then the show just stopped, and that’s why it’s so easy to find places to critique the previous seasons, because of course it all looks poorly constructed now.  it isn’t finished.

[cosmicjoke]

Further commentary on the ending of Banana Fish (Spoilers):

Look, I understand the controversy and upset surrounding the ending of Banana Fish.  My last post on this topic seems to have pissed some people off, which was never my intention.  But I think maybe I could have worded things a bit better, so I’m going to try again to explain why I feel like the ending of Banana Fish was so perfect.

It’s not a happy ending, and I don’t think anyone, anywhere, will try to tell you that the ending was meant to make anyone happy, or satisfied.  That’s the point.  It’s not MEANT to please the reader.  It’s meant to remain true to its narrative realism.  And in that realism, it’s meant to break the readers heart.  And boy does it do both.

I don’t think anyone would tell you, anyone with any ounce of feeling in their heart, anyway, that Ash didn’t deserve a happy ending, or that he deserved to die after all the awful shit he went through.  I think we can all agree that we would have wanted, if we had a choice, to see Ash have a happy, hopeful ending with Eiji in Japan.  We all agree that Ash DESERVED a happy ending, because he was a good person who was dealt about the shittiest hand in life a person can have.  And despite all that shit, he retained that innate goodness of heart that made him who he was.  He never became a monster, like the people who used him up and abused him over and over again.  That’s what makes him such an extraordinary character that’s deeply loved by so many people. He absolutely deserved to be happy.

But that’s the thing. Banana Fish is a story that deals in reality.  Everything that happens in the story, despite the often extraordinary, larger than life circumstances, is dealt with in a way that is, very often, brutally, painfully honest and realistic.  It doesn’t give us what should be, it gives us what IS.  And that makes perfect sense in accordance with its relation to writers like Hemingway and Salinger.  They wrote stories that dealt in brutal honesty and reality too, and both writers are referenced throughout Banana Fish.  And it’s Banana Fish’s commitment to that brutal honesty and reality that makes it an authentic piece of art.  People want a fairy tale ending, where Ash gets to ride off into the sunset with Eiji and live happily ever after, but at no point in Banana Fish are we given any indication that the story is, at any point, going to delve into the realm of unreality and fantasy, and give us such an ending.  To do so would have been a betrayal of the genuine nature of the narrative. It would have ultimately robbed it of its authenticity as a piece of art, and the story, as a result, would have been left hollow and lacking.  

Banana Fish, throughout its narrative, shows us that terrible things happen to good people, and that good people are often forced into doing terrible things.  It never shy’s away from that cruel, heartbreaking reality, and the ending is no exception.  

It affects us so deeply, and leaves us so upset, because it’s so REAL.  It feels genuine to us, it feels real, because it refuses to betray its honesty for the sake of a happy fantasy.  It remains loyal to the harsh truth of reality, and the harsh truth of Ash’s reality in particular.  Ash is a deeply damaged, broken person, who’s experiences in life are the very definition of cruelty.  Here is a boy who, since the age of seven, has experienced sexual, mental, emotional and physical abuse repeatedly and on a scale truly unfathomable to almost all of us. A boy who was forced into a life of prostitution in order to simply survive on the harsh streets of an unforgiving city.  A boy who, again out of a necessity for survival, has had to kill other human beings. A boy who, out of a desperate situation in which he was forced to choose either to save his soulmate or watch him be murdered by his best friend gone berserk in a mad, drug induced insanity, had to kill his best friend by shooting him straight through the heart.  A boy who, each time in his life that he’s tried to build real and meaningful relationships with other people, Griffin, the girl he liked when he was 14, Skip, Shorter, Eiji, he’s had to watch those people he allowed himself to grow close to either die or almost die, over and over again.  All of that combined creates a level of trauma that’s so far beyond the normal scope or understanding of a regular human being, so far beyond any discernable mechanism for coping with trauma, that to expect Ash to just get over it, for it all to magically be okay just because he moves to Japan with Eiji, is the height of unrealistic, and, again, would be a betrayal of the authenticity the story marries itself to from start to finish.  

Ash’s death is a tragedy, as his life was a tragedy, and the story is a reflection of that.  It stays true to that narrative, and never compromises on it.  That’s the point.  Life doesn’t always have a happy ending.  People that have suffered severe, irreversible trauma don’t always recover, and can’t always heal from it.  People who have suffered in the obscene and brutal ways that Ash has aren’t always going to be alright.  Sometimes it’s just too much.  For Ash, it was just too much.  Too much damage.  Too much heartache.  Too much pain.  Too much loss.  Sometimes we can’t overcome our damage, and that reality presented in this story scares people, I think, because it’s so nakedly honest and unapologetically expressed.

The ending is so god awful painful too because we see, in that moment after Ash reads Eiji’s letter, hope bloom inside him.  For an instant, this belief that maybe he can have a happy ending, when he thinks he’ll catch Eiji at the airport, and maybe go with him.  And in the next instant, he’s mercilessly reminded of that hope’s falsity. Hope springs eternal, but not always true.  Hope and happiness were never meant for Ash.  The chance for that was taken from him before he could even understand what those concepts were.  The thematic arc of the story was telling us from the start that it was going to end in tragedy.

People weren’t meant to LIKE this ending.  It wasn’t meant to make them feel good, or okay with what happened, or fulfilled.  In fact, I’d say, it’s meant to make you feel completely devastated.  As the story reflects reality, so often too does real life end in a way that leaves us feeling lost and confused and heartbroken.  Banana Fish is so good because it stays true to that sense of reality, right until the very end.

The ending doesn’t leave us feeling happy, but it sure does leave us FEELING.  Like any real piece of art would.  The emotions it conjures are immense and, for some I guess, too real. That sense of loss and hopelessness and pain it leaves us with is so effective because, again, it’s so honest. And I guess that because those emotions are so real, and felt so deeply, and with such intensity, it leaves some readers and viewers feeling angry.  Lashing out at a reality which they don’t want to accept.  The irony, of course, is that their hatred and rejection of the ending is testament to just how deeply the ending touched them.  It didn’t leave them feeling nothing, it left them feeling too much, and they then go into a state of denial, which is really just a stage of grief.  A refusal to accept.  You know Banana Fish is a true piece of art for that, in how it conjures sincere feelings of grief and mourning in us for its lead character in Ash.  We CARE about him, deeply.  We want him to be alright, because we love him.

But real art isn’t concerned with placation.  It’s concerned with truth.  So many great pieces of literature have unhappy endings, because that’s the truth of the human condition, and the condition of life in general.  Real art won’t shy away from those painful, awful truths, nor is it afraid to conjure the feelings which go hand in hand with those truths in its audience.  

With all that said, the tragedy of the ending doesn’t demand a feeling of meaninglessness or desolation at all.

Eiji’s love for Ash and Ash’s love for Eiji is still so pivotal and, ultimately, essential in how the story ends.  It’s what allows, maybe not a feeling of hope, but a feeling of peace.

You sense throughout the story that Ash knows he’s going to die.  Like he senses that his life is too fucked up, that he’s been through and had to do too many horrible things for it to last very long.  It’s like the saying of he who burns brightest burns twice as fast.  Ash is burning, and he knows it.  He’s already accepted it as an inevitable conclusion.  He doesn’t actively seek death, but he doesn’t fear, nor fight against it.  At points throughout the story, even, he asks for it, when the horror of what’s happening to him becomes too much.  He knows death is coming for him.  The only thing keeping him from giving in so easily I think is his lack of agency in how he will.  Everything has been taken from Ash, and he doesn’t want to give this last thing away. This choice in how he dies.

Eiji’s love is what finally gives him agency in that decision.

Ash died knowing Eiji loved him, and that knowledge, that certainty that he was loved, genuinely loved by another human being, without any strings or conditions attached, simply loved for himself alone, is what allowed Ash to finally find the peace in death which alluded him in life.  He no longer feels like he has to keep fighting, or struggling on through an endless malaise of misery and pain, because he’s finally found the calm and acceptance which comes with knowing he has this one, pure thing for himself, which nobody, none of his abusers, can ever touch or take away.  With everything else that’s been stolen from Ash, his innocence, his sense of agency, his own body, his own mind, Eiji’s love for him is the one thing nobody could ever steal away.  And that’s, I think, why Ash dies smiling, because it’s that knowledge, that he was worthy of another human being’s true love, that at last shows him that he was a human being himself.  Not an animal.  Not a monster.  He was a human being worthy of love.

Ash’s death is heartbreaking, and brutal, but there’s deep consolation to be had in knowing he spent his final moments with the feeling of Eiji’s love for him alive inside his heart, allowing him at last to feel like a person deserving, worthy of love.

It’s that which allows Ash to finally let go of his struggle, and let’s death’s embrace take hold of him.  It’s his own. Eiji’s love, and his choice to let go of life.

It doesn’t make the ending any less heart wrenching or brutal.  It doesn’t make us any less devastated by Ash’s death.  But it gives us a sense of peace, in knowing, even if we are left feeling lost and heartbroken, Ash himself left life with the fulfillment of knowing he was loved.

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Communication Issues (AT:TTSIMBCMEOAYSFIL)- Chapter Two

Ao3,   MasterPost,   Chapter One, Chapter Three

Relationships: (eventual) Romantic Analogince

I’m finally back from my impromptu hiatus!!! My laptop, like, just fuckin broke... but now I’ve got a new one so it’s okay!!! And the first thing I did with it was make these little characters Hurt.

Warnings: Repressing Emotions (k i n d a), food mention, self-isolation/avoiding one’s friends, general angst, cursing, unreliable narrator (maybe??? by that I mean Logan is stupid and has no idea what’s actually going on.) 

Word Count: 5,244

To the best of your knowledge, the three of you are close. To see the facts: you, Roman, and Virgil spend the majority of your time together, partaking in a number of activities that all of you find fun. Comparing your time with them to how much you see, say, a friend like Janus- it becomes apparent that the three of you ought to be considered ‘best friends’. 

However, you had preferred to be 100% certain of this, as you like to be with all things. It was a few weeks after Roman’s New Idea when you finally gave in to this preference (more of a need, really). You asked outright the nature of your dynamic with them.

Roman laughed at you. The abashment you felt was, unfortunately, a very familiar thing.

‘Is the idea of us being best friends really so humorous?’ you challenged, masking the sting you felt with indignation. Virgil had elbowed Roman sharply, explaining to him that you were seriously asking. His laughter stopped at once. ‘Of course we are,’ he’d said. ‘I thought you were kidding, because it seemed so obvious,’ he’d continued. 

All you could manage was a small ‘Oh’. 

So, yes, you’ve determined that your bond is more meaningful than on average. That hardly irks you; it’s a positive thing, in fact. It’s been good for you to have some kind of affection, even if the thought still makes you want to roll your eyes. It’s what’s just beyond that affection that’s causing an itching beneath your skin when the three of you ‘hang out’, as you so often do. That itching, those crawling little mites figuratively burrowed under your skin- it’s all been prevalent in your interactions over the past weeks.

Go over the facts, then, Logan. 

Fact one: You aren’t used to intimate friendships.

Fact two: You have established an intimate friendship with Roman and Virgil

Fact(?) three: Roman and Virgil’s intimacy with each other is quickly turning away from ‘friendship’.

This brings you to the evidence, which gets a little fuzzier; some conclusions might have been jumped to, but you find that irrelevant.

Evidence (?): They share these Looks. A Look when Roman says something abhorrently stupid, but when Virgil jumps to insult him he sounds nothing but adoring. A Look when Virgil comes up with a particularly creative biting remark, and while Roman is just as quick to fire back with a playful tease of his own, there’s that obvious elated expression of pride that he holds just for the anxious trait. 

That on it’s own wouldn’t amount to much, you’ll admit, but you’ve always been a careful observer of body language (out of necessity, given how words fail you when there’s subtext to be found). Their hands brush frequently, to the point where it cannot possibly be incidental. They not-so-subtly lean into each other when they probably think you aren’t looking- though perhaps you shouldn’t be looking anyway. While you are well-accustomed to platonic physical affection in not only your relationships with the two of them, but with all of your ‘coworkers’ (the bulk of it coming from Patton and Remus, predictably), Virgil and Roman’s physical affection exudes such romantic tension that you’re surprised Roman himself isn’t going haywire, because of the overload of feelings that fall into his area of expertise.

Your third piece of evidence comes from just last night. You’d returned from the kitchen, arms loaded with snacks for you all to share, only to find Roman threading his fingers through Virgil’s hair while the embodiment of anxiety carefully sketched on a folded sheet of paper. Virgil’s eyes had flicked up briefly, widening when he saw you as though you hadn’t only left the room for seven minutes and twenty-three seconds.

“Oh, hey,” he greeted with a tiny wave. Something odd and envious and just a bit bitter simmered in your chest, but you denied it whatever it seemed to be hissing for. You gave your friend a nod, setting down the food you’d brought onto the coffee table and seating yourself a good few feet from him and Roman on the couch. 

“V and I got bored waiting,” Roman explained, “So we’re doing a little art collaboration. The rule is that we aren’t allowed to see what the other one draws until it’s done!” He seemed enthusiastic about the game, and Virgil was clearly invested in his work. You saw no reason to interrupt them, quietly deeming your original plan to watch blue planet together defunct. But you could still contribute to this new activity! You knew plenty of art history, thankfully.

“There’s actually a name for that- it’s called Exquisite Corpse. The term was coined by surrealist artists in 1925.”

Roman waved his hand, almost dismissive, and your heart- figuratively- sank. 

“Yeah, yeah, in Paris, I already know. Yves Tanguy, Marcel Duchamp, et cetera et cetera. Art’s my whole thing, remember? Do you wanna play or not?”

“Oh, I- I don’t care for drawing,” you have never understood and will likely never understand most forms of visual art. 

Roman shrugged, but before he could respond Virgil was folding up the piece of paper and handing it to him, blank side up. The vigilant trait pushed his bangs back and shook out his shaggy hair, which stuck up at odd angles due to Roman’s tangling.

“Whatever you want, L. You can put on that documentary you were talking about now,” Virgil said, reaching for the food piled up on the table. Your first instinct had been to agree, of course, and get back to the original plan for the day. As you took the remote, however, you couldn’t help but notice just how close they sat, plenty apart from you. It felt like a fitting analogy- and you’ve always had distaste for analogies.

“That’s alright,” a lie, “I’m feeling rather restless now- I think it would be best if I got some work done with this energy,” a half-truth. 

You’d left before they could respond, trying to ignore the envy seething under your skin. It didn’t even make sense- you hated having your hair touched! While the history was interesting, Surrealist art did nothing but frustrate you! You don’t like drawing games, or people’s hands on your face, for goodness’ sake. 

Presently, you stare up at your ceiling and reflect on your friendship, feeling it all start to click. You do not want it to click. You push your glasses up on your forehead and press the heels of your hands against your eyelids, soaking in the ache that results from the pressure. You’re so fucking sick of thinking, thinking, thinking- but the other option is leaving your room- which you’ll have to do very soon anyway- and interacting with other people.

It’s easier to handle with everyone else around to distract you, rather than just Virgil and Roman. Easier, but not easy. You groan, pushing yourself into a sitting position and letting your glasses fall back into place. You cannot just stew here forever, much as you’d like to.

Yet- It doesn’t make sense. You don’t want to see Virgil and Roman, sitting as close as they do now, dancing around each other so frustratingly. But you want to be around them so much that you feel you can’t help it, desperate to be caught between them like usual. But, no, you don’t!

You wish they could figure themselves out and actually get together, to save everyone the headache- but is that even really what you want? For them to officially be romantically involved, thereby distancing themselves from you even further? And then you’ll truly be the ‘third wheel’, as it were? 

What do you want, you ask yourself repeatedly.

  For things to go back to normal, you answer yourself. 

You shake your head, no, because what does that even mean? Do you want them to not have feelings for each other, just so they’ll pay more attention to you? Now that doesn’t add up at all, because first and foremost you want them to be happy. Happy, and also spending time with you as much as each other. Yes, that’s closer to the point, you think. You want that closeness to be equal between the three of you, that makes perfect sense. So, logically, it follows that what you want is-

What you want is… 

God, no, God, your eyes widen and your fists clench and, fuck, you almost shake as you try to hold back the encroaching realization.

You want-

There’s a knock at the door. 

You breathe shakily, your hands tensing and untensing. There’s a knock at the door. The door of your room, because you are in your room, sitting on your bed. You’re here, and now, and you can breathe.

Dazedly, you stand, moving as though you’re wading through honey. You swallow back whatever feelings had been building in you only for the moment. You aren't willing to actually harm yourself by repressing them, merely holding them at the reigns in order to actually function enough to talk to whoever’s come knocking.

You click the door open, pulling it back to see a worried Patton. You are immeasurably relieved that it is him specifically.

“Heya, Kiddo. It’s been a while since any of us saw you today. I was just coming by to let you know we’re about to start picking a movie for tonight. Do ya feel up to joining us?”

That’s something you appreciate about Patton: he keeps in tune with others’ emotions with almost supernatural accuracy. Remarkably high-empathy being a power granted to him by his aspect, he knew when things were off, and he knew when someone did or did not want to talk about it. He didn’t barge up to your room and throw the door open with the enthusiasm he might usually express if he saw how you were uneasy, knowing that such an action could be overwhelming. Rather, he was checking in, quietly offering you an out if you needed it. 

But you’re about to directly contradict yourself about that appreciation! Because this means that you have to decide what you do; because you maybe kind of want to be forced to see your friends, rather than forcing yourself to avoid them. You aren’t exactly sure you have the strength to be around them on your own, but you can’t imagine a fate worse than isolation in the wake of this emotional discovery that you totally aren’t focusing on right now dammit answer Patton.

“Yes, I must have been a tad preoccupied today. I’ll be down in a moment,” the answer’s out before you think about it. You regret it, and also you don’t. 

Patton grins warmly at you, obviously relieved, and promises to wait for you to head down before they start. He disappears back through the hall and down the staircase in an instant, humming tunelessly as he walks.

It’s only after arriving downstairs that you become entirely sure that you’ve made the wrong choice. Roman is practically in Virgil’s lap, his head tilted into the facet’s neck while they playfully bicker with each other. When he spots you, his head shoots up, and he waves you over. In an amazing example of self-control, you sit one cushion away from the pair.

Throughout the night, you keep your eyes trained to the screen, trying to ignore however sappy Roman and Virgil get. You need space to think about this issue and find a way to solve it, and they need more space from their little tricycle anyway. 

The movies pass in a blur. You think Virgil tries to say something to you before you go upstairs, but you don’t catch it. Your ears are ringing.

<<<???>>><<<???>>><<<???>>>

It’s predictable as hell, considering his semi-self-isolation before The Incident, that Roman is desperate for attention. He’s, in the simplest terms, clingy as fucking fuck. Something that’s mildly less expected than that is just how little you mind it. If you’re honest, with all the hugs and brushes and small comforts, it kinda rocks. Which might be an odd way to describe emotionally and physically intimate friendship, but hey. Shut up. 

You and Roman’ve become a little attached at the hip because of this- though you hold tightly onto the excuse that it’s just cuz you want Roman to get the attention he needs, and totally not because you actually like the affection, too. You know the truth, though. The truth that it all… fulfills something in you, something that’s been craving attention that you didn’t even know about. It’s weird. Not bad, just weird.

You digress; the point is that you and Roman have a Thing With Touching, and that’s not exactly a shocker. Something you’re only recently coming to notice, however, is that this preference is one shared by your other closest friend, Logan. You could’ve sworn he’d be touch averse, and while he definitely has very specific boundaries (he wouldn’t tolerate touches to his hair, neck, or most parts of his legs), he’s exactly the opposite of averse, he’s just way too stubborn to initiate anything or admit it.

Who knew that only knowing a grand total of six other beings for your entire life- most of said beings disliking each other for a good portion of that life- would leave everyone involved more than a little touch-starved? 

Oh well. No time like the present to fix that, you figure. This is all just your long-winded way of saying that whenever you’re in the room with Logic or Creativity, you’re 99% guaranteed to have at least one point of contact with them. 

Which totally wouldn’t be a problem, if you weren’t falling irrevocably in love with both of them. But, unfortunately, you totally are. 

When everything started, it was just Logan. He was too considerate and too goddamn caring not to make you feel things, the bastard. He understands you, almost perfectly, all the time- even though people understanding you completely goes against your aesthetic- and you feel like you get him all the same. In a way, your love for him makes sense. It always has, really, all the way back when he gave you that first glimpse of friendship. It’s always been Logan.

And that all would be horrible enough on its own, but then Roman blind-sided you with his teary eyes and deeply-rooted insecurity. Neither of these are technically ‘attractive’ traits, but dammit if you didn’t find yourself sympathizing to a painful extent. You not only comprehended his (gradually lessening) pain, you’re also surprised to note just how badly you want to help him through it, if only because you knew that you really could help. You can’t bear to watch Roman suffer, because the both of you, despite all the differences, are exactly alike. You find sympathy in his sadness, and affection in his joy. 

It’s disgusting.

The plan was simple; you’d keep all the feelings inside, and then one day you’d die. You’d hold them all at bay and let the infatuation fade to a dull ache against your ribcage, settling into a bittersweet friendship with the two temperamental traits. It’s easy to push down when all six of you spend family time together, hell, you hardly break a sweat when it’s just the three of you, because you can just use one to deflect off the other! You are a fucking pro at ignoring your emotions.

Then movie night happened. You have no clue what specifically did happen, but you’ve managed to track the weird behavior back to that evening. Logan was stiff as a board all night, sitting as far as he could from you and Ro. He didn’t even look back at you when you tried to talk to him before he left. He didn’t answer the door when you tried to check on him later. 

To say that Logan hadn’t left his room since would be a gross oversimplification. Oh, he’s venturing out, alright, but strategically. He comes down for meals. He comes down when Patton, Remus, or occasionally Janus ask for him, indulging them without complaint. Sure, he’s conveniently busy whenever it’s you or Roman knocking, but he’s already done so much with everybody else that day. No one could be concerned, because clearly Logan wasn’t avoiding anything.

Yeah, bullshit. He’s just diverting everybody else’s suspicions, but you know him too well for that.

He doesn’t work in the commons anymore. He doesn’t rise up in the living room, accompanied with a laptop or a kindle or what have you, just to have the quiet company of someone else while he works. He doesn’t seek you out to explain something he read on Tumblr, and from the looks of it, he doesn’t attempt to infodump about poetry with Roman anymore. And the nail in this coffin is this: when you attempt to confront him, he plays dumb. Logan plays dumb.

Logan avoiding you means two things: 1. one of your most trusted friends who you’re absolutely besotted with won’t talk to you, which is its own special kind of agony- and 2. you spend the majority of your time totally alone with the other friend that you are in love with, which is obviously not ideal.

By this point, you are well-acquainted with the various personal problems of your ‘co-workers’. Statistically, at any given point at least one side is having some kind of an emotional crisis. You figure that it’s best to get a headstart on solving this one, before you can talk yourself out of it. 

But obviously you can’t do it alone.

“Roman.”

The side in question shrieks, spinning around hastily with wide eyes. You don’t even blink, staring him down from the kitchen doorway until he has the sense to stop screaming. He cuts himself off with a cough, clearing his throat and returning to whatever it was that he was doing. After an appropriate awkward silence, he shoots you a sheepish smile. 

“Oh, ha- I- I didn’t see you there, Virgil,” he huffs a tiny laugh, his mouth twitching. It’s such a soft little expression, a bit embarrassed but mostly- Dammit, Virgil, you’re here for a reason! Keep it together, you useless homosexual.

“I guessed that, yeah,” you trudge into the room, lifting yourself up onto the counter beside the stove. “How are you?”

He pauses for a moment. It’s a simple question, but the both of you understand its true significance. You’re expecting an honest, no-nonsense answer as to how he’s been feeling. It’s sort of a system, to help prevent all that bottling up of emotions that you’re all so used to. 

“I suppose I’m… a little out of it. I got rather caught up in sculpting for a good few hours,” as he explains, you notice him absently digging clay out from under his nails, “So I figured it was time for a lunch break.”

“Good,” you tell him, because it’s important that he hears things like that. He’s staring vacantly into the water that’s beginning to bubble on the stove, but you know he will return the check-in question to you in his own time. Technically, you could have just walked in and began with what you really wanted to talk about, but this method gives the conversation a more clear-cut structure. Greeting, followed by question-response, followed by question-response; it’s properly outlined. 

“What’s going on with you, then?”

“I feel like garbage,” you see him blink in surprise, but he waits politely for you to continue. “I’m worried. I mean- I'm usually worried, but in this specific circumstance, I’m worried about-”

“Logan?” He looks up when he says it, his gaze searching. 

“Yeah- um, yes. You noticed it, too?”

“Oh, please,” there's an obnoxious clanging as Roman idly swings around a slotted spoon, “I may not be as observant as you nerds, but you could stand to give me some credit.”

You settle him with A Look. He huffs.

“Okay fine! I only caught on when he… ugh, it's embarrassing, but we like to write. Together. On Wednesdays. But he’s been ditching.”

You already had a hunch about your friends’ little poetry sessions, as neither are particularly subtle about anything, at all, ever. It's super dorky, but it’s a very them thing to do. This development is concerning, to say the least.

“Wait, then why haven’t you brought it up?” 

Roman squirms a bit, clinking his slotted ladle against the stovetop repetitively. You regret the interrogative tone that found its way into your voice.

“I didn't want to be, you know, needy. He said he was busy- and like, it was a little sketchy when he was only busy when I wanted to hang out- but- I just assumed he’d maybe gotten bored with it. I didn’t want him to get even more distant with me, so I didn’t say anything.”

Well, okay, you totally fail at not being distracted by that. Scooching a little further down the counter, you bump Roman's hip with the side of your foot.

“Hey.”

He doesn't look up. 

“Roman.”

He groans, throwing his head back and glaring up at the cabinets.

“I know! Saying it out loud, alright, I know he wouldn't do something like that- it's just- I forget sometimes, Virge.”

You don't ask him to elaborate. He doesn't need to. He shifts away from the stove and drops his head onto your shoulder, leaning against you. 

“But if you've noticed it too, then something must really be wrong, huh?”

You give a short laugh.

“Yeah. He's upset about something, I can tell. It’s fuzzy, though, that’s the weirdest thing. It's like, I can feel the anxiety from, but it's being overpowered by something else in there. I have no idea what, so it's gotta be out of my jurisdiction.”

He hums curiously. 

“What’s the plan then? Drag him out of his room and make him hang out with us?” Roman's voice rumbles against your shoulder, and it's so comforting that you can't help but hook a leg around his waist to keep him near you.

“Great idea, I'm sure that he’ll really appreciate that,” your sarcasm (hopefully) takes the impact out of your downright cuddly nature. Roman is unfazed.

“That is literally what the both of you did to me mere months ago. I'd say that turned out pretty well, hmm?”

He tilts his head to the side, dragging out the hum with his face pressed against your neck. It's a concerted effort to snark at him instead of purring from the feeling. 

“I doubt that L would appreciate something like that, just because you- Jesus,” you cut yourself off when Roman fucking nuzzles you, ew gross- “Oh my fucking God, can you- prrr- can you st- prrrrr- stop for one second? You're- re- rerrrrrr- distracting me!” You push him off of you, feigning disgust. You don’t want to, but you have to at least try to stay on track.

He just chuckles, dropping away from you if only to take his food off the stove. 

“Sorry, sorry, it's just so hard to resist. You’re a kitten!”

“I know you're God-awful at genuine conversations, so I guess I'll let it slide this time.”

You see the offended look spread across his face, and hastily hold a hand up to interrupt.

“Logan.”

“Right, yes. Logan.”

“I mean, what would he say?” you drag your hand down your face, wracking your brain for any of his advice that you could apply to the situation. “He’d be all ‘the logical course of action would simply be to confront me, Virgil, because I am a stubborn little bitch and I will dance around the issue indefinitely,’” You nod, satisfied with both your impression and the conclusion it brought you to. Roman shoots you a comically wide grin.

“That was scary, how much you sounded like him.”

You shrug, offering a hum.

“So we should just… what? Walk up to his door, knock knock,‘what’s going on with you, man?’, and see what happens?”

“As crazy as it sounds, maybe this would be easier if we didn't prolong it for three weeks and complicate it like we do with everything else?”

There's a clatter as Roman struggles to reach the top cabinet for a bowl. You drop down from the counter, reach over his head, and hand it to him. 

“When you phrase it like that, I suppose it sounds obvious,” he takes the ceramic and fills it up- without a thanks, the bitch.

“Okay. We do that, then.”

“Okay.”

You hover in the kitchen, watching him grab his meal and begin to walk away. He tosses his head over his shoulder, giving you a look that you can't quite place. 

“Are you just going to wait there while I eat my lunch? We’ll go up in a few minutes, but I'd rather not pass out from lack of blood sugar in the middle of what's sure to be a whole production.”

“Oh- right.”

<<<???>>><<<???>>><<<???>>>

At your knock, there is absolutely no response from the other side of Logan’s door. You knock again- not so much as a footstep! You push down your immediate frustration at the nerve of him, knowing that you must keep your cool (but you also know that he has everyone’s knocks memorized; he knows it’s you!). 

You spare a glance to Virgil. He stares back at you, lip worried between his fangs, hands twisting themselves at his sleeves. He’s slouching so much that he looks nearly as short as you. 

“Is it… is it that bad?” your knuckles are still barely pressing against the inky-blue door, lingering. He nods. 

“Fuck, dude, whatever he’s feeling is intense. But, I can’t figure out what the hell it is,” he makes an attempt at whispering, but it sounds more like screeching TV static than anything. 

He’s in there, and Virgil isn’t the only one who can sense it. It’s electric; whatever Virgil isn’t picking up on seems to have fallen into your domain. Unfortunately, it must be one of your non-primary side functions, because you have no idea what the specifics are. You curse the fact that you aren’t nearly as in tune with these things as he, by design, is. 

“We gotta get in there, Roman.”

The use of your proper name startles you. You grind your teeth, turning his suggestion over in your mind a few times before shaking your head sharply.

“You were the one that said we needed a subtle approach, you- Virgil,” you catch yourself before a nickname slips out, trying to share in his sincerity for the moment.

He gives a shaky sigh.

“I- I know what I said, but- Fuck, Ro, it’s bad.”

Now, it may be just because you’re a contrary bitch, but you have flipped on your original stance as well, leaving the both of you at odds. The worse this feels, the more you need to hesitate. If he’s avoiding you- both of you, the mini-him in your head reminds you, mind your mental filtering- then there's a reason for it. A reason to do with anxiety and you, which could easily be the ‘passion’ part of you, and that gives the strong implication that he’s deeply angry and hurt. In which case, you know that you could easily do something to make it much worse. You are very good at saying the wrong thing.

And so. You stare blankly at his door. Immobile.

Virgil elbows you.

You wrap your knuckles against the door and send him a glare. He groans, ramming his shoulder into yours.

“Okay, Roman, out of the way-”

“I’m getting some bad vibes-”

“Yeah, me too, that's kind of the point!”

“Well, there’s no reason to get snippy!”

“I don’t need a reason anyway, now move-” 

At a light shuffling from behind the door, you both snap your mouths shut. It’s dead silent as you wait, more patient than you've ever been before, as the muffled footsteps draw closer to the door. They stop just short of it, and for a moment you don't breathe.

“I can hear you,” came a muffled, barely-audible rasp. 

You fall against the door at once, pressing the side of your face into its cool surface. Virgil appears beside you, his claws suspended just above the knob. They hover like he’d be burned if he touched it. His voice is carefully measured, and he nearly sounds normal when he speaks.

“L, buddy, can you let us in? Can we talk?” 

You nod along, realize that he cannot see you, and then enthusiastically proclaim your agreement with the statement instead.

There's a long pause. You fear that Logan’s left again.

“Is this… necessary?”

“I’d really like to know why you aren't talking to us, so yeah,” you try not to snap, you really do, but you can tell that you’ve failed as soon as the words leave your mouth. You hope he'll understand how you really meant it. 

There's a sigh, and yet another silence. Virgil makes eye-contact with you, face twisted up with concern.

“It was not my intention for you to think me angry with you, if that's what you’re worried about.”

“That’s not it, Lo,” well, Virgil can speak for himself, because you were kind of worried about that. “I know something's going on. I know you.”

“Virgil,” his voice sounds much clearer, closer, as though he's pressed against the doorframe like yourself, “Virgil, your voice.”

“Don't know if you can tell, man, but I'm pretty anxious right now. And I know that not all of it is mine.”

At the next lapse, you don't wait for Logan to speak.

“Specs, hey, listen to me: I don't have a clue what's going on-” you let yourself smile, knowing that he can hear it in your voice, “Which is kind of my usual state, really- but the point is, it doesn't matter. We're here for you, no matter what. The three of us- best friends, right? Bee-eff-effs.”

“Best friends forever,” he mutters.

“Ah! I’m glad you agree!”

“No- it’s- I was correcting you, abbreviations have no place in verbal conversation- especially in place of simple phrases such as that one.”

“There he is,” Virgil chuckles, the distortion finally edging out of his throat. 

Logan sighs. You hear a bump.

“I suppose, if you two are really so concerned,” the lock clicks, “Then it would only be hypocritical of me to refuse to speak with you on this matter, given how I encourage you to do the opposite almost constantly,” the knob twists, pushes forwards an inch, halts abruptly, “Although… I can’t promise you full transparency. I don’t- I don’t think I’m quite ready for that conversation.”

Well that is ominous. But, then again, progress is progress.

You step back, and the door swings open. 

You fail to stifle your gasp.

Logan stands in the doorway, his head up, spine straight, and his hands behind his back- his usual stance. The posturing does nothing, however, to hide just how bloodshot his eyes are behind his glasses. He trembles, almost, when he looks from you to Virgil, and then back again. As soon as you meet his gaze, he glances down to the carpet, tapping his foot on the floor compulsively. It’s a state you’ve seen him in plenty of times, but the knowledge that this time you were somehow responsible for it pushes daggers under your skin. 

“Well,” he falters, “Come in, I suppose.”

[betweengenesisfrogs]

After the End (Again)

Despite all the words I’ve poured out on the subject, I don’t think I ever completely cracked Hussie’s endgame.

One year out from the Epilogues, and the question of what The End of Homestuck means feels even more complicated.

Granted, there’s a lot I feel like I understand (I’m so happy to see most of the fandom be on the same page about stuff like Dave’s arc or the meaning of the Gnostic references), but Hussie’s goals for the original end of the comic remain elusive, much like the man himself. Possibly deliberately. I’m eagerly looking forward to his final batch of commentary, where, in many years, we’ll finally get his own take on the subject. Probably.

I saw someone say recently that the Epilogues improved Homestuck – that as an ending, Act 6+7 is incomplete, and relies on the Epilogues to give Homestuck a definitive final statement.

On the other hand, I’ve also heard plenty of people say that the Epilogues ruined Homestuck, altering its final meaning to something unrecognizable.

Maybe there’s a way to make sense of both of these things?

The more time goes by, and the more I read of Hussie’s own thoughts on his work, the more I become convinced that Homestuck’s central thesis is the rejection of existing narratives. Or, to put it in other words: Fuck clichés.

This takes many forms, from Dave’s “there’s a vampire in the closet oh fuck get in the minivan” riff to Hussie’s emphasis on women as active drivers of plot to Dave’s own rejection of toxic masculinity.  It’s also the main plot arc of Act 6 + Act 7: we escape Lord English, controller of the total narrative.

But these inherited narratives are insidious things. It’s hard to escape their hold over our brains. We live in a society, even when we start all over and try to build a new one. We might, for instance, see someone echo the same toxic ideas about authority and power out of a feeling of necessity. So the theme of the Epilogues is Act 6+7’s theme inverted: how are we still bound by these narratives?

From Divine Comedy to Divine Tragedy, revealing and reflecting each other.

My feeling is that Hussie wanted to express both of these things as Homestuck entered its final stages. He chose to tackle one, wait a while, and then tackle the one that was far more difficult to render compellingly.

This is how I make sense of the utopian, gnostic themes of late Act 6 + 7. They present a sincere aspect of Homestuck’s message: tear off the ideological chains of your mind. Transcend to the Pleroma. Build a new world. But this Gnostic hope was always going to be followed up by a statement on the difficulty of doing just that. For the power of the Demiurge is great, and his illusions deeply rooted in your mind.

I used to get in all sorts of debates as to whether Act 6-6-5-Act 7 (Ending 1 of Homestuck, if you will) was good or bad. Maybe that’s not the right question, though? Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore, or it never mattered.. I think it would be kind of impossible to tell, anyway. Because what Hussie left us with in 2016 was a thick stew of fascinating ideas to dig into and discuss and try to understand. Act 5 was a mechanical puzzle, challenging us to figure out how the world of SBURB worked; Act 6 a thematic one, challenging us to become better readers who engage with Homestuck’s metaphors and themes. Given the level on which we understand these things now, I think we resoundingly succeeded.

And when we started to ask the right questions, then—only then—were we ready for the Epilogues.

It’s true that the Epilogues have a certain feeling of primacy now. That’s inevitable, given their role of deepening the conversation and their at times shocking content. But I think it would be a mistake to read them as more important than the first ending.

Because I think Homestuck genuinely believes in the importance of that escape. The other reason for that three-year pause? Maybe it was to give us time to draw our own conclusions. Both in the sense of wrapping our minds around Hussie’s thematic puzzle, and in the sense of creating our own stories to follow the ending. Because if English’s narrative, aka Homestuck, is the thing we’re escaping from, then to follow the gnostic vision of escape is to enter the Pleroma of fan creation. The actual, canonical nature of Earth C is a multiverse of fan interpretations, reaching in every different direction, many of them offering hope, a utopian society, and/or the possibility of major growth for our characters. Those didn’t go away after the Epilogues. For my part, I read quite a few Davekat fics that still stick with me after all this time, informing how I understand the characters. Guess what? Homestuck explicitly grounds them as significant.

To put it in Rose’s terms, these timelines and stories may not be essential, but they are true and relevant.

Now, fandom is not perfect. (Understatement of the century.) Fan writers hold onto clichés and toxic narratives as much as anyone. One of the goals of the Epilogues is to offer a counterpoint to that vision as well—to show the dark side of redemption arcs, marriage proposals, and coffee shop AUs.

But at the same time, the three-year feast of storytelling made possible by the Final Pause remains an important, and explicitly heroic part of the Homestuck multiverse.

(It’s been a treat to see how the community has responded to the darker points raised by the Epilogues as well. A great example is Sarah Zedig’s Godfeels series, which returns to the idea of Earth C as a place of meaningful growth and change (for June Egbert, especially), but recognizes the difficulty of making that change when the people you know are stuck in their own ideas of what the world should be. I’m looking forward to reading more works in this vein going forward.)

All this suggests an intriguing possibility: that the dissatisfied feelings many walked away from the original ending with may have been deliberate. Not to say that there aren’t some pretty satisfying arcs in Act 6. But perhaps some were left open and ambiguous, even frustrating, on purpose: to point us in the direction of filling those gaps. Fertile, untilled ground for the fanonical imagination.

Is that good storytelling? I have no idea. What I do know is that there’s nothing else like it out there.

And honestly? I’m really glad something as weird as Homestuck exists.

And that we get to be a part of it.

<3 Ari

[xoruffitup]

TROS Reckoning (Spoilers)

I came out of the midnight TROS screening shell-shocked and 3-day sleep deprived after camping out for the European premiere. I just came out of the second viewing (already had the tickets to see it with my Dad) and now with two days to think about everything I am RAGING. 

Ben’s entire character trajectory was sacrificed to the fucking Rey Palpatine storyline. Almost all of his lines to Rey during the Force bond scenes are about Palpatine, her lineage, or the dark side powers he thinks she has because of her heritage. This movie and his role in it was both infuriating and nonsensical from the very first scene. He meets the Emperor, who creepily calls him “my boy” and references Ben’s “training”/abuse at Snoke’s hands - and this immediately triggers the reminders and framing for the fact that he has been suffering beneath the control of abusers the entire time we’ve known the character. It reminds us that Kylo Ren is a dark side coping mechanism for Ben Solo’s feelings of loneliness, helplessness, and abandonment. The deeper he falls to the dark side is a product of his deeper desperation to escape pain. 

That’s what I thought upon first viewing. But upon second viewing - this scene was actually an entirely new and entirely different set-up frame for the character. (Any continuity at all from TLJ is apparently too much to expect.) This first scene isn’t at all about Ben suffering under Palpatine’s corrupting influence; it’s about Ben’s status as a mere instrument in this film - it diminishes him to a mere vehicle for other storylines and a tool for Palpatine. In another version of this film, we would love for Rey to immediately be referenced to him the first time he appears. But knowing how it’s all about to go... I feel entirely the opposite.

The force bond scenes are a pitiable follow-up to the artistry and delicate emotional intimacy of TLJ. First of all, they talk to each other in a manner they never would after all that passed between them in TLJ. Turning Rey to the dark side is determinedly not what Kylo wants from her, and Rey would never be so antagonistic with him after sharing “You’re not alone / Neither are you.” And what about their shared visions of each other turning and themselves together, huh?? We heard about her vision of herself on the Sith throne with Kylo, but what about the previous mystery visions? Apparently we’ll never know :’)

In TLJ, the force bond scenes were the key moments when Kylo Ren’s facade was chipped away to reveal the beating, vulnerable heart of Ben Solo. They served the purpose of building (or rather, breaking down his character). In TROS, they were a narrative device to deliver Rey’s parentage revelation. Literally an entire force bond scene was wasted with clunky exposition about retconning Rey’s parentage. And we were given no answer as to whether these two have been in contact the whole time since TLJ or not? Even later in the film, the force bond helps them pull off the awesome pass-the-lightsaber move, but it serves no purpose for Rey or Ben’s character development - or for their mutual understanding and union.

Ben’s inner conflict and eventual return to the light side should have been the key stake in this film. This is what screen time, other characters’ emotional energy, and the future of the force were all painted to be riding on in TFA and TLJ. The question of whether Ben will return home and whether he can still be reached has been posed by both his parents and his soulmate/girlfriend. Leia implored Han to “bring him home”; Rey shipped herself straight to the First Order for the chance to try redeeming him. It seemed obvious that this focus would continue, given that the legacies of his famous parents/grandparents hovered around him.

They actually got Harrison Ford to appear in this film and then criminally under-utilized him (as they did Adam in the entire fucking movie but that’s ANOTHER ENTIRE POST). Ben once again coming face to face with the father he loved, killed, and regretted should NOT have been this brief, phoned-in scene thrown into the middle of the film with recycled dialogue from TFA. (”Your son is dead.” / “I know what I have to do..”) I certainly did feel pretty distraught when Ben called him “Dad” (!!!!) and Han responded with “I know” (fuck up my heart) - but the tone and the timing seemed all wrong and not at all measured up to the impact and importance that scene should have held. There was no build-up at all to Han’s appearance - he was just suddenly there. There was nothing personal or new or particularly moving even about what should have been Ben’s heartrending moment of reckoning with his greatest “sin”. I certainly did feel it when Han touched Ben’s face, but UGH the scene should have been so much more. Ben should have made a tearful apology or plea for forgiveness - Han should have stoically called him “kid” and assured him there was nothing to forgive. The moment Ben lost Han was the defining beginning of Ben’s return to the light side. It was the moment the first definitive cracks appeared in the facade of Kylo Ren. Ugh there should have been so much more than just recycled dialogue here. And given that this reunion with one of his parents is of course one of the central moments of Ben’s redemption, it should have been given the narrative space and emotional staging befitting its importance. Instead, it provided nothing more than an unsatisfying, lazy, and simplified instant-conversion scene; this for a character whose complicated and painful relationship with his family should have been a key focus in the film named after his family!!!

And then (fuck me) that laughably abbreviated and inadequate “redemption” scene ends with Ben throwing away his red lightsaber and apparently this is such a satisfying and complete conclusion to Ben’s life-long struggle that HE DOESN’T FUCKING SAY A SINGLE THING FOR THE ENTIRE REST OF THE FUCKING MOVIE. THE MAJOR FIGHT AT REY’S SIDE AGAINST THE BIGGEST OF THE BAD AND BEN DOESN’T EVEN TALK?! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK I CAN’T EVEN ALSDKFJADSLFJDSJDALS. What happened to Daisy’s comments like “Will actions speak louder than words? Will an ‘I’m sorry’ ever be enough?” He and Rey never talk about anything after Palpatine is defeated!!! He never even speaks to Palpatine about turning against him! No flirty banter with Rey, no “Get away from her!!” to Palpatine, no tortured/pleading “Stay with me” when he holds her body. Absolutely nothing!!!! It’s like he stopped being a character with any interiority after his laughably abbreviated and disappointingly unmoving conversion to the light side.

And he’s not even present in the last scene to fight at Rey’s side! THEY NEVER EVEN ACTUALLY FOUGHT PALPATINE TOGETHER! Because he got unceremoniously dumped into a hole right before Rey fights the Emperor! Rey’s apparent need to fight Palpatine on her own deprived us of the epic Reylo fight scene we were sure was coming! He literally wasn’t even there to fight at her side and save the galaxy with her.... Rather than fighting as the dark-light balanced duo we all expected and that THE STORY DEMANDED, he was literally tossed aside for the main fight and then crawled out of the hole to serve the sole purpose of healing Rey. But again - with no agency, introspection, or spoken words to his force-bonded soulmate as he holds her dead body. Because that’s totally normal in what should have been the closest relationship in the story. T___T

What makes me ANGRIEST of all: His death was treated as a fucking afterthought. 

Okay first, he should NEVER have died. There is absolutely no justification even if the plot had been better for why the character who’s the BLOOD SCION of the main Skywalker line should have anything but a HAPPY AND HOPEFUL ENDING OF LIFE. His dying means that both Han and Leia effectively died for nothing as they attempted to save their son. Han’s sacrifice and forgiveness did nothing to save Ben. 

Beyond that - his body disappearing makes no sense?! NOTHING about his death makes any sense?? Why tf did he just disappear like that?? Why, when Rey force-healed twice in the film already and wasn’t visibly harmed by it all, why the FUCK did Ben have to just sacrifice himself and without a word of dialogue to Rey after he has literally given his life for her?? (Which is so cliche and the opposite of everything he deserved and all he ever wanted.) 

Now, maybe there could have been a death scene heroic and narratively-important enough that I’m not completely enraged by it. There could have been a scene where he leaps in front of her or embraces her to shield her, and takes an attack that otherwise would have killed her in a selfless act of sacrifice. Then, his moment of sacrifice for Rey would at least be treated with the epic, tragic tone it fucking deserved?!

Nope. Nope - that’s not what happened. Instead, we get him leaning back and disappearing in the single most underwhelming, undeserved, and upsetting death scenes I’ll ever have the misfortune to watch and lose all semblance of my emotional health over. It’s totally fucking fine. Disney just had the one character whose happiness and survival we were all invested in, and just decided to tack on his turning to dust without any explanation or apparent narrative need for it at all, considering the battle was over and he was uninjured, and Rey had already used Force healing twice in the film without it harming her life at all. His death seems just completely unnecessary. It wasn’t a hero’s death at all and it’s making me fucking sick to keep thinking about.... He literally crawled out of the hole just to live all of 5 seconds of joy, to power-up Rey, and then to fucking disappear. I couldn’t even tell you if I’m more pissed off or heartbroken.

Now, let’s talk about Rey. Specifically, let’s talk about how the shoe-horned Rey Palpatine storyline cheated both her and the viewers of what made her such a unique and meaningful character to us. What spoke to viewers about Rey is the fact that she is no one, and yet she’s the one to have the Force and carry on the story. She was a self-made, self-discovering female character with absolutely no limits to who she might become. But after TROS, all of what might have been Rey’s chance to fight for the life she wanted for herself; to find what was important to her as an individual making her own choices - all her opportunity to make her own story was stripped from her. Instead, Rey had to spend the majority of the movie in a completely lackluster, predictable, and formulaic struggle against an imposed identity that’s just about the farthest thing from original.

Instead of Rey forging and claiming her own identity, we were punched with what we all worst feared - The cop-out end to her story that actually, she wasn’t strong in her own right, it was just because she was related to a strong male Force user. We shouldn’t care about her because she’s independent and forges her own path; we should care because she’s related to a man we already care about, whose presence predefines everything about Rey’s identity and ending. 

It’s a fucking disgrace for a female character who could have literally been anything.

What else is a fucking disgrace is the fact that in a film called The Rise of Skywalker we had to watch the final Skywalker be recognized and called that only once before he gets thrown into a fucking pit rather than fighting for his own destiny and survival at Rey’s side. We had to watch the most interesting, complex, and beloved character in the sequel trilogy (played by one of the most talented and powerful actors of today) be reduced to a cheap supporting device in what should have been his joyous, loving triumph in finally finding respite in Rey’s arms and strength in his identity as Ben Solo.

I will ugly cry if I think too much about the fact that he never got to respond to Rey calling him “Ben” or her touching his face. I’ll cry if I remember that Rey kissed him and he SMILED - and the kiss was fucking beautiful and powerful and everything I imagined a Reylo kiss would be - but for the fact that their kiss was a mourning goodbye, rather than the beginning of a new future. Ben tasted joy and love for just that one moment before it was taken away from him, when he deserved to live that joy every single fucking day.

In effect, this movie killed Ben Solo three different times. First, it killed his narrative, his introspection, and his development in the film with a convoluted Rey Palpatine plot it took a disgraceful amount of Kylo’s screentime to retcon in. Second, it actually killed him for no narrative necessity and in a one-second, unexplained moment that will never stop being infuriating and the complete opposite of what he deserved. And third, it killed and robbed him of his legacy. No one else in the film knows of his sacrifice and what he did for the light side to triumph. He wasn’t even honored as a Skywalker posthumously. Nope - fucking “Rey Skywalker”, the most cringe-worthy final words in possibly any film ever, even killed what could have been the enduring identity and legacy of Ben Solo. There’s literally not a scrap of him left by the end of the film.

Meanwhile, this movie had the fucking audacity to indulge in hero-worship moments for Luke and Lando which make my stomach turn when i think of how Ben was written out from all glory and celebration. Luke’s force ghost moment of raising the X-Wing for Rey to fly literally feels like self-aware fanboy masturbation and it makes me fucking sick when I think how anti fanboys are the last fan group who deserve to be catered to - especially in ways that destroy the integrity of the story and rob it of any and all emotional core of character.

Perhaps we just made the mistake of expecting this movie to be more intelligent than it ever would be. We read into the importance of Vader’s mask; we analyzed all of the indicators and hints that Ben would be redeemed and live in order to bring the Force into balance. But none of these elements seemed to even exist at all. It’s like this movie catered to the absolute lowest common denominator of fanboy, while superficially checking boxes for every other fangroup in a *shrug* ‘guess that’ll please them’ kind of way.

Thinking back to how promising the promo seemed - all the marketing and discussion around Ben Solo and hope - it’s crushing that this is how it all crashed and burned. It’s crushing that Ben Solo never got to hear the voices of his Jedi ancestors, especially the grandfather he tried so hard to reach. (Meanwhile Rey got to hear voices she wouldn’t even recognize.) It’s crushing that he won’t get to live the life of belonging and acceptance both he and Rey have yearned for their whole lives. It’s crushing that Adam was so under-used, and his character was so thoroughly discarded in the narrative. I’m crushed when I imagine how Adam must feel about such a dissatisfying ending for the most human, compelling character in the entire SW saga.

........I’m sure I’ll have more to say. But it’s 4 AM and now I’m plenty depressed/frustrated enough. I really wish it were positive, thoughtful meta I’m writing about this film right now - all about how intelligent and original the story was. But that’s definitively not the case, and I’ll almost certainly be back with more to rage about.

Reylos - I hope we can all get through this. <33 Let’s all remember the Reylo kiss and the great moment of redeemed!Ben Solo drawing the blue saber. Let’s all survive this day by day. I believe in you all and we will be strong through this, somehow. This horrific ending doesn’t nearly have the power to banish us.

[liquor-and-intellect]

PREHISTORIC PART 3

Summary: Talia is a singer inspired by the man who broke her heart. The man who left her to pursue his career in the music industry without a second thought. The man who happens to be Harry Styles and is paying her show a visit.

part one   part two

“I’m really glad you came…” Harry started, holding the door open for me to enter. “I-uh… I didn’t think you were going to come.”

I walked into the small hotel room. It wasn’t as lavish as I expected someone of his esteem to have—and maybe that was the bitter part of me that was speaking.

He stood there nervously as I surveyed the room. The bed with one side messed up, the open laptop laying on top of the sheets and a small suitcase open with a few folded clothes inside. It all was extremely modest and not how I had let my mind run rampant for the last few years about how he traveled.

I let my eyes leave the open laptop to land on him. “I honestly didn’t think I was going to either… but I…” I looked down sheepishly.

He nodded, understanding. “You couldn’t sleep, could you?” There was a small smile playing on his lips, as if reminiscing the times I sat up pacing because of a song on my mind, or turning in bed because of a fight we had. Rest didn’t exist in my vocabulary.

Shaking my head, I let myself give a tentative smile back. “No, I couldn’t.”

He stared at me for a beat longer, before catching himself. Harry cleared his throat and motioned to the bed for me to sit. “Sit, please,” he suggested. “do you want water… or coffee?” He shifted his weight nervously to his other foot.

I folded a leg underneath myself as I sat. “This isn’t an interview, Harry,” I reminded him, trying to ease the tension but coming off a bit critical.

He sat himself in a chair across from me at the small dinner table, placing his hands in his lap. He said, “I’m nervous like it is though.”

“Me too.”

“I’m sorry,” he breathed. “nothing could ever make up for how I treated you. I should never have left you like that. I should have fought harder for us… Fuck, I should have done so much more because you fucking deserved better.”

I froze in my spot. Tears were brimming in my irises, blurring the image of the nervous man in front of me. His words pulled a weight off my chest that had been resting there every time the memory of him came to the front of my mind. For so long, I assumed he didn’t care. It was the only logical explanation to how someone could leave me without a thought.

“Did you really love me?” I asked before I could stop myself.

His brow furrowed in such a quizzical way, as if the question was so absurd. “Of course,” he murmured. “how could I not have? I think after we dated for so long, I just assumed you would always be there. No matter how shitty I treated you.” He looked down and pursed his lips at the memory of it. “It wasn’t fair of me to do that. I was just so young and immature.”

I sniffled, leaning my hands behind me to rest my weight on them. As I did, my arm hit the open laptop, causing the screen to light up and a song to pick up in the middle of pop chorus.

“Shit-“ Harry began, standing up as a female voice began playing through the speaker.

“I swear, I will wake up next to you,” it sang and I froze. The melody was beautiful and her voice was… haunting.

Harry fumbled, trying to reach over me to turn off the laptop but he couldn’t get to it before the song continued in its hypnotic way.

Right when he was about to press pause, I heard the cracked pleading of the singer say my name.

“Talia, I hope you’re happy any way

But four drinks I’m wasted.”

I sat up straight, my head snapping to where Harry was frozen leaning over the bed, hand hovering mid-air about to pause the song. “No one will know I wrote it, I swear,” he whispered.

I put my hand on top of his, lowering it away from the computer. The contact seemed to startle him a bit as both of our skins lit on fire. “Please let me hear it,” I said lowly. “start it over.”

And he did.

I don’t know if it was because it said all the things he didn’t know how to voice or because he knew arguing with me over this wouldn’t be worth it, but he started the song over. Leaving me to sit completely still except for the tears that ran their course down my face.

I knew these lyrics were his. I was up too many nights with him writing to not recognize it by now. His narrative had always and will always be recognizable to me.

Listening to the song, I felt the air shift around us. It answered all the questions I had been wondering for two years. Did he care? Was he effected? Was it easy for him to walk away?

I could hear the desperation in the singer’s voice as she sang, but I knew the soul was resonating from the lyrics. The words that Harry wrote, the words that were too damn personal for him to publish as his own.

As the song came to an end, I covered my mouth with my hand, attempting to stifle the sob that wanted to escape and never stop. The grief for what we had had been shoved down so far, only released in the angsty ballads I would write.

I nodded to the questions I could feel hovering between us. “I believe you,” I cried.

It was those words that caused his shoulders to drop, as if this whole time he had been acting a part of having it semi-together. Tears escaped from his closed eyelids, making their way down his cheeks to sheets below us.

I couldn’t help it anymore. I closed the distance and gathered him up in my embrace, letting his head rest against my shoulder. His arms closed around my middle so tightly I swore there would never be a way to separate us ever again.

We cried together. Mourning the loss of our relationship, the loss of a beautiful friendship—but also the sweet relief of closure, of confirmation, of anger being lifted from between us. I had been so angry when I saw him tonight, because he had left so many questions unanswered. Yet here we were.

I spoke too soon, but it was the last question I needed answered. “What now?” I whispered against his hair. “What do you want from this?”

He breathed a sigh of relief. “I’ll take whatever you’ll give me.” His voice was muffled, lips against my neck. “I just know I can’t live without you in my life anymore.”

That was all I needed to remove the space of air separating us. I grabbed his face in my hands and pulled his mouth to my own, relishing in the feeling of his such familiar lips. It had literally been fucking years, but I knew the most comfortable way to kiss him was by letting my top lip rest near his cupid bow’s as his pressed into my lower one.

I tugged it between my teeth, my body completely melting as he let out a groan that sounded as if it took two years of anticipation to create. I pressed as close as I could to him, cursing fucking physics because I wanted to destroy every atom that separated us for the last two years until now.

Harry pushed me back until my back hit the mattress, a breath escaping my mouth as his lips traveled to my neck, peppering soft kisses there, sucking and pulling at my jawline.

He murmured into my ear, “How far do you want to go?”

It wasn’t his lips pressed against the shell of my ear that gave me chills, but the fucking consent.

“Take me.”

And that’s all I had to tell him.

There was no teasing, no foreplay. Harry gently lifted my shirt over my head before working on my pants, taking his time as his eyes examined every inch of my skin. He peppered kisses against my wrists as I reached for his shorts, letting me ease them across his long legs.

He stared down at me. “You look so different but-“

“- exactly the same?” I finished, smirking up at him as he nodded, blushing a bit.

He shook his head. “I don’t know how to explain it,” he continued, running his hands down my bare chest and torso. “you’re so different from the Talia I once knew. More resilient…refined… I love it.” He took a breath. “I love you.”

A sob racked my chest as I forced his lips back down to my own.

“I never thought I’d hear that again,” I murmured into the space our lips created when we pulled back to catch a breath. “But I love you too.”

There wasn’t this awkward moment where we had to relearn each other’s bodies. I think the most magical thing about it was the simple fact that the chemistry had been there—despite the years that separated out last encounter.

When Harry entered me, a gasp escaped my lips. Not of surprise, but in the way of satisfaction because no other man had filled me up like he did. No one could compare to the way his body rolled into mine. The mesmerizing way his shoulder blades moved beneath the skin under my fingertips. The way that I felt breathless because of the fan of kisses he planted across my face before placing lips back to my own.

Harry’s hips continued to knock against my own, the rhythm slower than the quickies I was used to. It was more meaningful, as if each stroke into me was saying something that his tongue couldn’t make sense of—and it all added up to the final conclusion: I love you, I love you, I love you.

His grunts became quicker as his stomach tensed above mine. “Are you close?” he said breathlessly, as if any sudden movement would bring about his undoing.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him deeper into me to hit the spot where I knew only he could touch. Nodding, I bit the skin underneath his earlobe, wanting my love bite to be present for the world to see tomorrow.

There was a familiar bubble building in my stomach and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I climaxed. The way his sweaty body was hitting my own would be enough to set me off right there, but I held on as long as I could to enjoy the sweetness of this moment in all its complexity.

Harry’s breath hitched. “Shit- Tal…” Sloppy hip thrusts. “I’m about to- “

That was all it took for me. Seeing the man above me come completely undone unraveled the array of butterflies in my stomach as pleasure eased its way into my bloodstream like an IV. My whole body lit on fire as I sank into the mattress, feeling the slight pulsating of his member inside of me.

Harry collapsed on top of me, chest pressed against my own, breathing in tune with my lungs.

I let my hands run down his back, stroking the warm skin slightly as he clutched my torso. “I don’t know where I expected tonight to go,” he began. “but being inside of you at 5 a.m. was not it.”

I chuckled, my breath blowing the hair off of his forehead.

He stilled. “I missed the sound of your laugh. Almost as much as I missed seeing you leaned over a guitar singing random words to make sense of your emotions.”

I smiled at that memory. “I’ve found a much better way to songs write these days.” I said.

His head tilted up to look at me. “Is that so?”

“Yeah,” I grinned. “it’s called unhealthily bottle up your emotions until they just kind of overflow.”

His lips pulled up at the corners as he closed his eyes. “Oh, love… you haven’t changed, have you?”

I let the silence pass for a minute, enjoying his body tangled up with my own. “Did you ever write any songs about me?” I finally asked.

Harry sat up, hovering over me to make sure he could meet my gaze. “Have you not listened to any of my music?”

“No.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “Two Ghosts, Ever Since New York, From the Dining Table… I could go on, love but you’ll have to buy an album.”

I swatted him playfully. I had avoided the album when it was released—except for the few tracks I heard hit the radio. It had been too hard to hear his voice.

He laid his head back down on my chest. Intertwining our fingers together, he hummed to himself. A distant melody that I didn’t recognize but fell in love with all the same.

We fell asleep like that.

…

I was welcomed with a nice surprise when I opened my eyes to an empty bed in a hotel room. I could hear a distant muffle of Harry’s voice—possibly in the bathroom—talking quietly on the phone. There was a small stream of light from underneath the curtain. My heart warmed when I noticed the clips from the closet’s clothes hangers tightly grasping on the curtains as to not let light shine through.

I stretched my arms above my head, taking a glance at the alarm clock to see it was well within the afternoon.

A door shut.

“Good morning, love.” A sleepy Harry rounded the corner, still shirtless but this time adorning boxers on his lower half. His hair was mussed as he ran his hand through it, leaning against the wall. “I was just changing my flight plans.”

I frowned. “When do you leave?”

“Tonight.”

It wasn’t that I thought he would stay in this hotel room with me forever, but I hadn’t considered the thought that he would be leaving so soon. We really hadn’t thought past getting through last night.

“You can come with me, you know?” he asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

My brow furrowed. “What do you mean? I can’t just leave.”

Harry leaned onto the bed, crawling his way to me until he hovered above me, eyes shining with mischief. He spoke as if it was the biggest secret to the universe, his voice low, he said, “Open for me. On tour. Never leave my side.”

I didn’t expect my own reaction, but I let an infectious smile creep onto my face, brightening up my cheeks and leaving a sparkle in my eyes. I knew I still had to talk to the boys, but for now, my answer was:

“Okay.”

A few people said they wanted a tag list for this story. There will be only one more part, but if you want to be tagged, feel free to message me (after you reblog of course ;))

[ohnej]

Masterpost: Naruhina headcanons

As Naruhina is my ultimate OTP out of all ships, I’ve collected plenty of personal headcanons of this dummy-dum-dum couple for years. And finally I’ve decided to make a list out of these HCs and take a look how does this list actually look like.  

This list includes both non-smut and smutty HCs of this pairing.

Naruhina headcanons, a period after the Fourth Shinobi world war and before the Last

- After the Fourth Shinobi world war they started getting close to each other and to spend time together, just the two of them

- They, for example, went to farm markets, visited Neji’s, Kushina’s and Minato’s graves, went grocery shopping, Ramen Ichiraku and coffee shops together, visited festivals, looked after Mirai together etc. etc. They always found time to spend time together.

- Also, because of their shared interest in flowers, plants and nature overall, they often went for walks in forests, parks, gardens, you name it

- They always had a lot to talk about, but occasional silence never made them feel awkward – anything but that! It was very comfortable, actually.

- Hinata did visit Naruto’s apartment couple of times, but they were never alone there – there was always some kind of gathering between Rookie 9 going on

- When they hanged out with Rookie 9, the others organized things so Hinata and Naruto were always able to sit side by side

- Naruto teased her by poking her arms and sides - he found it amusing

- Hinata, on the other hand, teased Naruto by pouring drink ultra-slowly into his glass ‘til it frustrated Naruto

- They shared birthday presents with each other

- Naruto’s feelings for Hinata gradually grew to be romantic in this period, but because he actually didn’t understand the concept of romantic love, he wasn’t able to name these developing feelings even though he hadn’t felt the same with anybody else before. The thing is that no one had ever properly taught him what romantic love actually was like nor did he educate himself in that, either. Therefore, he ended up thinking that Hinata was just a very special person to him.

- On the other words, he thought he knew what romantic love was like, so when Naruto started to have those new, seriously romantic feelings for Hinata, he didn’t really know what they were

- Naruto found Hinata sexually attractive and found himself fantasizing about her often

- First time when Naruto complimented her looks, it was as trivial thing as her hands

- Hinata, too, sort of accidentally complimented Naruto’s looks couple of times, but Naruto didn’t think there was any bigger meaning behind those compliments – he thought she said it out of being kind and friendly person over all

- Hinata once came to a thought of Naruto maybe having some sort of feelings towards her, too, but she very quickly denied it to be the case. She found hers and Naruto’s relationship being very much alike with Naruto’s and Sakura’s, and Hinata knew that those two were nothing else but best friends to each other. Therefore, Hinata came to a conclusion that she was nothing else but a good friend to Naruto.

- Naruto found himself wanting and waiting to see Hinata anywhere he went, especially after missions

Naruhina headcanons after the Last

- When they started dating, it was emotionally overwhelming for Naruto to see Hinata being like home in his apartment. It was such an odd, speechless and beautiful sight. After all, Naruto was alone for years, so seeing Hinata doing normal stuff in his home was very meaningful and powerful thing for him.

- Naruto was the one coming up with the idea of getting married. It happened in the morning after a sleepover, when Hinata caught Naruto watching her sleeping next to him in his bed.

“I think we should get married”

                                                “I think so, too”

- Sure, the proposal happened very shortly after them being officially a couple, but he knew whole-heartedly that Hinata was the one for him, so he found the idea of waiting unnecessary, even idiotic.

- They didn’t mind giving Hinata’s father the power to plan the wedding ceremony. What was the most important thing for Naruto and Hinata was that their loved ones were there - and that they would finally have each other.

- Boruto was a ”planned mistake” (”if it happens, it happens, baby is welcomed”) and Himawari was planned. Getting pregnant with Hima took a lot more time and money than with Boruto.

- Hinata never huffs at Naruto, but when she gave birth to Boruto, she said ”you’re breathing too loud” to Naruto. Naruto still teases her about it.

- When Hinata gave birth to both Boru and Hima, Naruto felt the same feelings as when she fought with Pain - it was hard for Naruto to see Hinata in pain while he couldn’t do anything to ease what she was going through - he felt helpless

- Both times when he got his kids in his arms for the first time, he was absolutely terrified it was all just a dream

- Hinata named Boruto, Naruto named Himawari

- Like every couple, they argue, too. When they argue, they don’t shout or raise their voices to each other, but if they do, the other one will always point that out. But, on the other hand, silent treatment is rather common, especially on Hinata’s part. Unfortunately.

- Naruto is better in strategic and logical games. Hinata, on the other hand, in games which need good memory and general knowledge.

- Naruto can be a little jealous, not often tough, but he’s not possessive over Hinata. He calms down quickly after a sincere talk with Hinata of why he has nothing to worry about.

- Hinata is a talented singer and Naruto loves listening her singing and humming

- They sleep in different beds, because Hima, earlier Boruto, too, sleeps in the same bed with Hinata. This is okay with them, because kids’ wellbeing is their nro 1 priority.

- They’re both interested in or at least follow politics. He often talks about politics with Hinata, because it helps him getting a little wider perspective to things, which is also helpful for his job as the Hokage

- Naruto is good at buying presents

- He’s also a good keeping speeches, telling stories and at languages

- Hinata desided to stay at home with kids, because she wanted to give their children a childhood she and Naruto never had

- Himawari has been very patient, well-behaving and understanding towards her dad, his work and absence - this actually worries both Hinata and Naruto, because they’re afraid that Hima hides her true feelings

- They’re actively in touch when Naruto’s working

- Even though Hinata is mostly a stay-at-home mom, she is still very much needed at Hyuga compound as a spokes person and representative, because she is better at working in conflicted situations than her sister because of her calmness and rationality - she’s been suggested to go in politics, even

- Hinata understood what Naruto’s inauguration as the Hokage would mean to them – him not being able to be with his family, that is. She prepared herself for it for years and came to fully accept the inevitable situation (after all, she knew who she was marrying). But what was still hard for her to bear was how it affected on their children and Naruto.

Naruhina smutty headcanons

- Naruto felt so nervous during their first make-out-session, that it was Hinata who took the lead

- Hinata was raised to wait till marriage, but she couldn’t keep that – once when they were making out, the mood took them, and they went all the way

- Their first time was very passionate. They felt like it was something they’ve been doing for ages - it felt that right and natural for both of them.

- After their first time Hinata was in shock, because she never thought she could actually do that. She didn’t feel guilty, tho. She felt blissful and happy it happened.

- Seeing, feeling and hearing her reacting to his touch so passionately meant a lot to Naruto, and it was something that both turned him on and made him speechless; and still does, actually

- Hinata is very self-confident in bed, which puts Naruto over his knees

- They prefer being equals in bed, but you could still say Naruto tends to be in a submissive role more often than Hinata, while Hinata is the leading one

- ... that being said, Naruto enjoys seeing Hinata pegging and Hinata loves being sub

- Because Hinata can deep throat, face fuck is part of their rougher sex life

- ... and so is anal sex

- Hinata has made out with Naruko. She enjoyed it.

- They’ve done it in the Hokage office. Obviously.

- They’ve had sex also on top of the Hokage Rock

- Naruto’s shadow clones have made Hinata very, very happy several times

- Hinata could never go all the way with Naruto’s shadow clone alone. A few times, though, when Naruto sent his shadow clone home for a reason or another, she made out with it (passionate kisses, stroking cock) and made it disappear to hint Naruto, that he has a horny wife waiting for him when he comes home from work.

- Before having kids, sex in the kitchen happened rather often

- Pregnant Hinata was a huge kink for Naruto  

- Because of Naruto being busy as the Hokage, they cannot have sex as much as they want or need, so they need some creativity and prioritization to find time for it. Quickie in the hallway against the wall in the middle of the night is quite familiar way to do it.

[moonstruckbucky]

Fool for You [one-shot]

Summary: You want Bucky, but Bucky wants somebody else.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Warnings: Angst. Lots of angst. Some self-deprecating thoughts, insecurity. Language because my potty mouth. Bucky’s a dick. Not a happy ending. You’ve been warned.

Notes: Inspired by Linger by the Cranberries, but keep in mind it’s not a song fic! I’ve been in such a writing funk lately. I hope this doesn’t totally suck. Enjoy! x

She’s funny. Her joke has Sam wheezing, Steve snorting, and Bucky chuckling. Even Nat has quirked a small grin. They’re so busy recovering their breath that no one sees the absolutely moon-eyed look Bucky directs at her.

Nobody but you.

It’s hard to ignore the rising bitterness in your throat as you sit on the couch, once ensconced in your novel until Sam began hooting like a broken trumpet, a result of her well-timed joke. Of course she’s funny. She has just about everything else going for her, including Widow’s respect, which is a national treasure all on its own.

She isn’t an Avenger, but she may as well be since she’s in the tower so much. It makes your stomach curdle. The super soldier at her side curls a loving arm around her shoulders, drops a kiss onto her hair, and the gesture has her beaming.

And Bucky looks about the same way you feel.

Because Bucky had to go and catch feelings for his best friend’s girl.

He thinks no one knows, but you’re his best friend. Of course you know. You know because he looks at her the same way you do him. You scoff quietly.

Cliches suck.

A weight drops onto the couch cushion beside you.

Careful, Y/N. Green isn’t really your color.

Wanda. Normally you take issue with the fact that Wanda sometimes implants herself in your head, but other times, like now, you’re thankful for it. Explaining it to anyone else makes shame bubble up in your gut.

You give Wanda a single, meaningful glance before your gaze is ultimately drawn back over your shoulder. She, Cassandra, is in the middle of telling a story that has everyone’s rapt attention, Steve looking down at her fondly while it goes unnoticed that Bucky is doing the same. You’re not sure if he realizes he’s doing it, but considering he’s doing it in front of Widow tells you he isn’t.

A quick glance at Nat shows her eyes bouncing between Bucky and Cassandra. Ah, so it wasn’t missed by the scarily-observant super spy. She catches your eye next, an entire conversation being wordlessly spoken. You avert your gaze with a sigh and miss the quizzical little head tilt Nat gives.

When Cassandra’s laughter bubbles up again, you can’t stand it anymore. Wanda frowns up at you as you stand, finger tucked into your book to save your place. You leave the room, wincing as the laughter picks up again.

Inside the confines of your room, you abandon your book to sit on the floor at the foot of your bed, your back against the mattress and box spring. You never meant to be part of probably the stupidest cliche to ever exist, yet here you are. And like that stupid cliche, you have no idea how it even happened.

Somewhere along the path of Bucky’s re-self-discovery, you fell for the man he’d become. Not the Soldier, not the smooth talking ladies’ man of the 40s, but someone somewhere in between. More self-assured than he’s ever been, though not without his faults or his setbacks. Really, though, how could you not have seen this coming?

You sigh into the dark, knees propped up and elbows resting upon them so you can drop your head into your hands. It’s stupid—pathetic, really—how your mind automatically begins to compare you to Cassandra, regardless of the fact that she’s taken. It’s more so because she has Bucky’s full attention, that moon-eyed look solely meant for her that you so wish was directed at you.

You’re a teammate, his close friend, and it seems that’s all you’ll ever be to him. It hurts, coming to that conclusion, knowing you’re one of those girls unfortunately and unfairly destined to experience unrequited love. You laugh mirthlessly to yourself and shake your head, tangle your fingers in your hair and tug, just a little, just enough to ground you before your mind sucks you into a maelstrom of self-pity.

You know sooner or later you’ll have to come clean to Nat, if the perceptive redhead hasn’t already put it together. Wanda is your closest friend aside from Bucky, but Natasha’s scary wisdom beyond her years comes in handy, especially in the tough situations.

You can’t imagine a situation any tougher than this.

So it comes as no surprise as, the next morning, the Black Widow corners you in the kitchen. You don’t bother to hide; stubbornness is one of Nat’s lesser, but more prominent, qualities, and she’s patient as all get out. Instead, you lead her back to your bedroom and spill. She doesn’t interrupt, only listens intently with her head tilted in that feline manner she has.

“Well, that’s quite a predicament,” she notes when you finish. Grumbling unintelligibly, you suck down your coffee. She leans back on her hands beside you. “So I take it there is zero chance of you talking to Bucky about it?”

“Why would I?” you retort, but Nat isn’t offended. “The only thing that’ll accomplish is ensuring our friendship is toast. Burnt as fuck, crispy toast. Plus, I’m not really in the mood to be humiliated when he says he doesn’t return my feelings.”

“How do you know he wouldn’t?”

“Uh, hello, I know you of all people didn’t miss the absolute head-over-heels look he gave her yesterday.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like he’s going to act on that. Steve would pummel him, and it would probably end their friendship.”

“Regardless, I’m not having that conversation with him. I’m just gonna...keep a lid on it and act as if nothing’s off.”

Nat scoffs and you shoot her a look. “Honey, even if I wasn’t me I wouldn’t miss the looks you give him when someone’s not looking.”

You open your mouth and then promptly shut it. Releasing a sigh, you rub your temples. “Okay, so then what do I do? If I pull away he’s going to know something’s up. He’s far too much like you.”

Nat, for once, is rendered clueless on how to proceed. Then, with an actual physical shake of her body, she says, “Okay, so you pretty much have three options. Option one, continue as normal, hide your feelings, be his best friend,  and ultimately, probably spontaneously combust because you’re keeping them down instead of letting them out. Option two, tell him, risk the chance that your friendship might change or Bucky will decide to pull his head out of his ass and not make moon-eyes at a taken woman, thus eventually falling in love with you and the two of you live happily ever after. Option three, you start dating. Outside the Tower. Run the risk that you’ll find someone who completes you instead of pining for a guy who might not.”

“That’s it, huh?” you deadpan. Truthfully, none of those options sounds appealing, but more than likely you’re going for option one.

Option one, it turns out, is a goddamn pain in the ass to stick to. In order to throw off Nat’s, and even Sam’s, suspicions that he’s into his best friend’s girl, Bucky has latched himself onto you. Normally, this would be, well, normal. Now? It’s downright impossible to bite your tongue from telling him what’s been cooking up in your head, damn near inconceivable to not lean into him when he sits a little closer to you at movie night. 

The little niggling feeling in the back of your head tells you he has tricks up his sleeve, but you brush it off for now and bask in the slightly spice scent of his cologne.

Some weeks later, you’re faring no better. It’s growing even more difficult to bottle your feelings up and stow them in the back of your mind, especially when Bucky’s clinginess seems to multiply tenfold. You aren’t dumb, or naive for that matter, when you realize the only time he’s right on top of you is when Steve and Cassandra are present. When you first put it together, no words in the English dictionary are sufficient enough to describe the painful pang in your heart.

Yet you let it continue.

Nat criticizes you more than once, as does Wanda (who’s admittedly a bit gentler with her approach, but Nat was never one for beating around a bush). You promise both of them you’ll confront him soon, draw a line in the sand that he can’t use you to make his best friend’s girl jealous. 

Plus, his plan isn’t working anyways. Cassandra remains both in the dark and unaffected by what he’s doing, and she merely smiles genuinely when she notices Bucky’s arm around your shoulder or waist. As soon as she and Steve leave the room, his arm drops and his shoulders droop. It makes you angry, and it’s why you suddenly begin to dodge his advances. You stop playing along to his chagrin and befuddlement, and the fact that he’s even confused by your refusal to go along with it reignites your ire.

How dare he abuse your friendship, wordlessly expect you to go along with a pointless attempt to make Cassandra jealous? It’s callous and a little cruel of him; you thought you were friends. Friends didn’t treat each other like toys or tools to just use at one’s convenience. Even more than that, with Bucky’s sudden attention on you all the time, as superficial as it is, it only intensifies your feelings for him—both the positive and the negative.

On the one hand, a large, secret part of you revels in being pressed up against him so often, absorbing his warmth and being able to pretend, for just a little while, that his feelings for you aren’t a scheme, that they’re genuine. The smaller, more logical part of you knows you can’t let this continue, and it finally all comes to a head when Bucky asks of you something so unbelievably selfish that you snap.

“I’m sorry, you want to what?” you ask, turning your ear to him as if you hadn’t heard him correctly.

“We should sleep together,” he repeats with a careless shrug. He seems surprised when your gaze hardens and ignites all at once.

“Why? So you can continue your pointless scheme of trying to make Cassandra jealous? Is that why?” you accuse icily. Bucky takes a small step back, mouth opening and closing similar to a fish as he searches for something to say. You beat him to it. “No, Bucky, I won’t sleep with you to go along with your stupid fucking plan of pursuing a taken woman, much less the woman who’s dating your best fucking friend. I’m not stupid; I know what you’ve been doing, and I can’t even believe you would abuse our friendship like that, use me the way you have, without a second thought. Do my feelings mean absolutely nothing to you? Do you know how hard it’s been coming to grips with the fact that, while I struggle with my feelings, for you, you only see me as something to use, something to exploit?”

Bucky’s face continues to fall as you rant, unleashing every pent up thought and emotion. Your voice covers a range of emotion—anger, sadness, hurt—all in a matter of seconds that he nearly has whiplash. Bucky’s always had a strong poker face, but even he can’t hide the feelings rolling through him. The one he settles on is shame. Good.

“You...you have feelings for me?” he questions, quiet and meek.

You scoff. “Right now, I really wish I fucking didn’t. You aren’t who I thought you were, Bucky. Not even close. I was willing to let it go that you wouldn’t feel the same way for me, I’ve accepted that. What I won’t accept is being used as if our friendship means absolute shit to you.”

“No, honey, that’s not—” He stops when you shake your head, teeth clenched tightly and jaw wobbling as you fight to hold back your tears of hurt and heartbreak.

“It was what you were doing, Bucky, and I want no part of it. In fact, I think it’s better you and I don’t speak.”

Bucky looks crestfallen, regret and agony and the will to plead for your forgiveness swimming in his eyes. Bucky’s poker face was ace, but his eyes gave him away and you’d become an expert at reading them. Even if it’s not what he’d intended when he began this hairbrained plan, it’s what happened, and you had been caught in the crossfire.

“Ever?” he asks, a sob ripping from his throat while those pale eyes brim with tears. You glance away for a moment, but then you bravely meet his gaze, holding it.

“Ever,” you confirm. Your face remains stoic but inside your chest your heart splinters and cracks. It’s so painful to break off your most treasured friendship, but Bucky had taken advantage of you, whether or not he had been aware of your feelings. You voice this aloud. “I can accept you not returning my feelings, but I can’t forgive you for taking advantage of me. That’s not what friends do. Goodbye Bucky.”

The door closes softly in his face and Bucky leans his head against the wood, face crumbling as he lets himself go. How could he have been so stupid?