#and when someone is copy pasting bc they’re too afraid to write words they and others might not like

[corpsepng]

Who the fuck am I to have a poetry take bc I was posting the most awful emo shock fodder on public internet in 2010 and still only write objectively bad poetry about objectively nothing

[sergeanttpoliteness]

➹types of kisses➹(peter parker x reader)

A colorful collection of your many types of kisses, because a kiss can have more than just one meaning.

a/n: i know i’m three days late, but this is my christmas present :) (sorry for the shitty title) it’s kinda different to what i usually write because there’s really no... plot? it’s just one big but short compilation of fluff and tropes that will give you real bad diabetes. i was gonna include a break-up kiss but bc i’m nice, i decided against it lmaoooo. also !! i wrote this for ps4 peter, but i honestly can imagine it with mcu peter as well-- just choose whatever you prefer ! anyway, i hope whoever is reading this has a wonderful new year, ily.

warnings: making out, a lil bit of grinding but nothing more than that, cursing.

——-

FIRST KISS - KISS ME IN THE PARK, WE’LL MEET UP AFTER DARK

It wasn’t exactly how you wanted it to be.

Not that you thought about kissing Peter Parker too much, anyway. He was one of your best friends, and who thinks about kissing friends? Definitely not you.

Alright, that was a lie— you used to think about it. A lot. And unbeknownst to you, he did as well. However, contrary to your lack of knowledge about his urges, you did know that, for a while now, his feelings towards you changed. And, similarly, he was aware that your own feelings for him, too, transformed into something more. Further than friendly embraces or innocent sleepovers when you were little kids. Bigger than platonic emotion. More than a simple friendship.

It lingered in your minds and was evident in everyone’s eyes, yet neither of you had the courage to move past friendship.

One night at eleven-thirteen, as the two of you— two grown-ups— were in a playground, doing the spider on a swing together and laughing enough that your stomachs ached, that craving to meet his lips resurfaced with such vigor, it spilled out of your mouth.

“Can I say something?!” You laughed as you swayed higher into the air, a yelp involuntarily fleeting past your lips and your legs tightening around Peter’s waist since you feared you were close to falling off the swing and on your back. “Thank you for picking up— shit!— the phone! I really missed you, you know— ow, okay, this really hurts!”

“Okay, I think you’ve had enough,” Peter’s feet immediately skidded against the ground to put your swinging to a halt, sand flying everywhere. Once you were still, you both remained giggling and with youthful smiles that reached your eyes. “Of course I was gonna pick up the phone. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?” He said, and you had to hold yourself back from making a face at the word ‘friend’. You couldn’t complain— that’s that you were, after all. Except that this didn’t feel like merely hanging out, rather it appeared like a date.

“It’s pretty late, though.”

Peter shrugged. “Even if it were three AM, I’d still answer any of your calls.”

Your face softened and you bit the inside of your cheek, staring down at your lap. “That’s cute. But if you called me at three AM, I’d tell you to fuck off and then go back to sleep.” Peter opened his mouth in disbelief at your honesty, shaking his head.

“Wow, thanks. I’m glad our love is mutual.”

“It is mutual,” And it was indeed. “I just express it differently. For example, I tell you to stop working yourself to the bone so you can hang out with me and do adult stuff.” You placed one hand on his shoulder and gestured with the other to the empty playground you were in.

Peter chuckled, quirking a brow whilst he unconsciously began to move the two of you back and forth a little. “Adult stuff, huh?” You nodded solemnly.

“This is very mature.” You raised your nose in a not-so-mature way. Peter copied your previous gesture, humming.

“You’re right. Playgrounds were made for twenty-three-year-olds, after all.”

You giggled, but then changed your expression into a more stern one. “For real, you gotta give yourself a break.” You warned him, shaking your finger at him to add more of an emphasis, however, instead you amused him more than anything in the process.

He raised his hands. “Hey, it’s the city that never sleeps.” He defended, but you narrowed your eyes, giving him a look that was enough to communicate you were not accepting any humor. He dropped his hands and hung his head dramatically, sighing. “All right, I’ll try. But I can’t promise anything.”

You smiled sadly. “I know you can’t.” You quickly exchanged your frown for a smirk. “But if you don’t listen to me, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to make it up to me.” You joked, and Peter cocked his head to one side, wearing a crooked smile.

“How, exactly?”

All playfulness vanished and the warmth within your stomach took the spotlight yet again. Kiss me, a thought popped into your head, threatening to control your tongue. But you couldn’t. Even if your eyes accidentally flickered down to his mouth, and he undoubtedly noticed, for he gripped the swing’s chains tightly. You really wanted to say it.

So you chose to do it.

“Maybe you could…” You trailed off as soon as you caught onto some movement in the background, your sight shifting from Peter’s face to it. Suddenly, your eyes grew wide. “Oh, fuck.”

“W-What?” Peter turned to look behind his back, but before he could observe anything, he felt your legs unwrap from his body followed by a heavy object hitting the ground. His head whipped back to stare at you, and now his eyes were the ones about to pop out of his sockets when he saw you on the ground. “Y/N! Jeez, are you okay—”

You jumped to your feet, not bothering to dust off the sand off your clothes before you yanked Peter away from the swing, shushing unnecessarily louder and completely opposing your intention. “Shut up! We have to hide!” You hissed at him, peeking behind his body.

Peter tried following your gaze a second time, but you pulled at his arm harshly. “Why?!”

“Just— just follow me!” Was your explanation as you dragged him to hide behind a tree. You put your hand against the wood, slowly leaning to your side until the tree trunk uncovered your eye. Pointing at a woman standing up from a bench and a guy walking up to her, you glanced back at Peter. “You see her?”

Peter furrowed his brows, momentarily looking down at you. “...Y-Yeah? Isn’t that the teacher you told me about? The one who teaches at your cousin’s school?”

“Yes! And look at her!”

Peter’s attention returned to the woman who hugged her jacket close to her body and now spoke to the man, not discerning anything suspicious at the moment. “She’s talking to someone.” He pointed out the obvious, unimpressed. You groaned, rubbing your eyes.

“That someone is one of her students.”

Peter blinked and eyed the man who turned out to be a teenager. “Oh, he looks much older—”

“Because he’s a fucking drug addict! And I bet she’s his dealer!” You scream-whispered at him, flailing your arm towards the pair.

“I thought you were just joking when you first said that.”

You rolled your eyes, and continued watching them. Whatever the conversation was, it had all of a sudden turned into an argument as the woman poked the kid’s chest with her finger. “Why are they just talking, though?” You asked quietly, as if Peter somehow would have the answer. The volume of their voices increased, but you couldn’t make out any of the words. Scoffing, you shuffled away from Peter. “I gotta hear what they’re saying—”

Before you could tip-toe away from the tree, Peter gripped your arm and pulled you into him. “No. She has a gun.” He motioned to an object peeking out of her pants’ back pocket, and upon further squinting your eyes, you realized it was, in fact, a weapon. Peter gently pushed you towards the tree and he took a step back. “I’ll go make sure nothing bad happens while you stay here, okay?”

You stuttered, your brows snapping together. “No, this is my fucking case, you dickhead.” You began to speed walk past him, but you couldn’t get too far— he grabbed your arm and tugged you back once again. “Peter!”

“Y/N, you’re not a goddamn private investigator—”

“Well, tonight I am!” You broke free from his grasp; however, he quickly had you back in his hold.

“No, what are you doing?!” He embraced you tighter when you squirmed wildly.

“Peter, the kid could be in danger!”

“You don’t even know how to fight!”

“Oh, and you do?” You retorted without thinking. When he processed the absurdity you’d just uttered, he let go of you and stared at you dumbfounded, struggling to speak. Finally, he pointed at himself, his forehead creased.

“I’m Spider-Man!”

You scrunched up your nose, nodding. “Yeah, I don’t know why I said that.”

You totally did. As he remained puzzled, you took the chance and started a race to a tree standing near the woman and the kid. Completely forgetting about Peter’s super-speed, you thought you had succeeded until halfway there, he quickly caught up to you. Without a warning, he tackled you to the ground, falling on top of you whilst you cried out in pain.

“Ow! What the fuck, dude?!” You groaned loudly, but then you slapped your mouth when you recognized how noisy you’d been. Their conversation stopped abruptly, crickets singing whole-heartedly as you and Peter stared at each other wide-eyed.

“Did you hear that? Did you bring someone with you?” You both heard the woman ask. To your horror, footsteps approaching you were the next sound to reach your ears. “Hey, who’s there?!”

“Great, look at what you did—”

“You fucking tackled me to the ground!”

Peter surveyed the area promptly, and his gaze fixated on the tree you initially sprinted towards. He didn’t hesitate before he lifted his hand and aimed his wrist to shoot a web to get both of you out of there. But you had other plans.

You gripped the collar of his shirt, distracting him. “I’m so sorry for what I’m about to do, but just— just trust me and follow me, okay?” You breathed out, eyeing him. Peter opened his mouth, about to ask for you to elaborate.

“Wh—” You pulled him down and crashed your lips into his, muffling his exclamation of surprise. Stunned, his eyes stayed open, and when he didn’t react, yours fluttered open to signal at him to play the part. As soon as the hairs of his arms stuck up, he shut his eyelids closed and kissed you back, cupping your face and fully getting into it.

The woman jumped from behind the tree, confident she’d found the culprits of the noise, and— well— yes, she had. However, she didn’t expect to walk upon two people on the grass, in the middle of a make-out session. She grimaced the moment she saw your legs around Peter’s waist and your hands running all over his back as you fucking moaned to a point that it was forthright pornographic.

“Oh!” She exclaimed, her cheeks reddening perhaps more than your face and Peter’s, and she instantly turned around, leaving you two alone.

You two continued, waiting until the woman made an excuse and abandoned the teen. Ten seconds passed and you finally broke the kiss, panting heavily as Peter unknowingly searched for your lips again. “That worked like a charm, huh?” You laughed, dazed and the speed of your heartbeat only incrementing when you saw Peter’s swollen lips.

“Yeah, yeah… a better warning would’ve been nice.”

“Shut up.”

“And was the moaning really… necessary?”

“I saw it on a show. It makes people more uncomfortable.” You explained, out of breath, and he nodded. You both stared at each other, not bothering to move yet. “For the record, you’re a good kisser.” You blurted out and grinned sheepishly. Peter returned the expression, chuckling and unbelieving of your existence.

“S-So are you. But my plan was better.” He smiled bashfully, holding himself up with his hands next to your head. You doubted his statement, narrowing your eyes.

“Did it involve kissing?”

“No.”

“Then it wasn’t.”

You might have forgotten about your drug deal case and continued making out.

HELLO AND GOODBYE KISSES - TOOTHPASTE KISSES

Two months into dating, neither of you thought much about them anymore. Once they became part of your routine, it’s an absent-minded action, not much different from brushing your teeth, or Peter entering your apartment through your window instead of the door like everyone else. But then again, Peter wasn’t merely everyone else. And your unconscious routine kisses weren’t exactly just another bullet point in your ‘to-do’ list, either. If one of you forgot, or simply did not have enough time to spare, you’d both find yourselves missing it.

Which was why you tried your best to follow through with them, despite what situations either of you found yourselves in.

The alarm did not go off that morning (or perhaps you both passed out before you could set it in the first place— you couldn’t remember precisely), reason why you nearly choked on the lather of toothpaste while you brushed your teeth as if your life depended on it. In a way, however, it did, especially your job: you were now running outrageously late, and you could already imagine your boss’ blank expression as he told you he needed to ‘have a talk’ with you since this was the third time it occurred. You whined. You were doomed.

Peter joined you in the bathroom, jumping on one foot as he slid his other leg into his Spider-Man suit. He made a noise and caught your attention— finally, you noticed he had an entire piece of toast in his mouth. He tried to say something with the bread in between his teeth, but it was incomprehensible. You raised your brows, attempting to communicate with him without taking out your toothbrush. You both went on like that for thirty seconds: doing hand gestures and mumbling without getting any idea across until Peter finally put on his suit and bit off a chunk of his breakfast.

“Have you seen my phone?” He asked, his mouth full. You spat out the toothpaste and he couldn’t help the smitten smile that his heart painted onto his face when he saw the froth around your mouth.

“I put it right next to my keys.” You said as you washed your brush. Peter hummed and swallowed before he walked up to you.

“Alright, thanks. I really gotta run now, though.” He planted a kiss on your temple and you groaned in disgust when you felt the crumbles of his toast on your skin.

“Gross,” You wiped your forehead and Peter rolled his eyes, shoving you playfully and about to leave until you grabbed his arm. “Wait!” You encircled his neck with your arms and pecked his cheek for longer than usual, purposefully smearing his face with toothpaste.

“Ugh, gross!” He mimicked you and leaned away from you, laughing. You puckered your white lips, still trying to reach him but his arms pushed you back. “Nuh-uh, I gotta run.”

“No toothpaste kiss from your love?”

“No.”

“Toast kiss?”

“You’re gonna get fired.”

You let him go.

Later that night, Peter entered your living room, his search for you coming to an end once he saw you asleep on the couch. He laughed quietly, in the back of his head wishing he was sleeping, too, with you, and he kneeled down in front of you. He kissed the tip of your nose— the way he liked to greet you in spite of what state you were in. When he stood up, you blinked your eyes open and you lazily grinned up at him. “Peter-Man is back.”

His gaze moved down to you, guilt appearing after he saw you let out a long yawn. “Ah, man, I didn’t want to wake you.”

You had to return his hello kiss, and so you clutched his hand and pressed your mouth against his gloved knuckles. “C’mere. Join me in my slumber.” You said with an overdone accent.

He didn’t even consider telling you to move to your bed. He plopped down on the small space left and snuggled into you, his own yawn overpowering him. You hugged him tightly from behind, and within minutes, you were both deep into your sleep.

The next morning, you woke up late yet again.

HEATED KISSES - WE’VE GOT ONE THING IN COMMON, IT’S THIS TONGUE OF MINE

It’d been your first date in four months, and you swore your sex drive had never been higher. 

Peter noticed, of course, and took the decision to ditch the dinner you had originally planned once you finished the movie you were watching— or tried to watch, since you couldn’t take your hands nor lips off him during its entirety. As the credits rolled, you straddled his hips, sucking on the flesh of his jaw. You itched to see his face when he groaned— and my God, that sound did not help your case at all.

You began to trail your mouth down his neck, decorating it with a whole masterpiece of bruises, and Peter wondered how he was going to cover those up; but at the moment, it did not matter a single bit. The two of you were too into it to pull away—

“Ugh, wait—” Or not. Peter stopped you and you blinked at him as he sat straight, taking out the TV’s control remote from under him. “That was really bothering me.” He immediately pulled you back into a kiss, tugging your hair and provoking a small moan out of you.

He broke away from you, his smirk transforming into the fuel feeding your lust. “You really like that, huh?”

“Shut up.” You mumbled and your lips continued to mold into each other with desperation, the sexual desire which had build-up since your last encounter brimming as your tongues met. Peter slowly began to lift the hem of your shirt, and your excitement erupted in the pit of your stomach at the fact that you finally wouldn’t have to wait anymore—

Your phone began to ring. You tried to ignore it, but your ringtone made it impossible. “Hold on,” You sighed, disappointed, and turned your phone off, your jaw set in annoyance. Yet again, you resumed where you left off, more urgent than before. Your hand moved his own back up to your hair whilst the other ran up his thigh. He failed in holding back the jerk of his hips as he pulled at your hair yet again, your moans synchronized. You couldn’t have been more elated you both wore your pajama bottoms as you began to grind down onto his crotch. 

Peter dug his fingers into your hips and he threw his head back, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down when he gulped to keep his noises down lest your neighbors heard you. “No, no, I wanna hear you—” You breathed out, speeding up your pace, whining yourself. He collided his mouth against yours, grunting into your kiss.

You didn’t know what had gotten into you, but you really, really, really did not wish to stop. And you weren’t going to this time, no matter what—

“Tonight’s our last party as high school people!” A voice and music blasted from the TV and you both jolted away from each other, startled. The credits had gone on long enough that the streaming service began to play a trailer for another movie, the volume at its fullest from where you’d left it earlier. You let out the most exasperated groan in your lifetime and furiously moved off of Peter to go and unplug the TV; however, he slipped his hands under your butt and picked you up.

“The bedroom—” He panted and stopped neglecting your lips as he carried you and ran towards your room, the two of you giggling maniacally when he stumbled through the door and then slammed it shut.

The trailer played all night long.

EMOTIONAL KISSES - STOP YOUR CRYING, IT’S ALRIGHT— SHUT UP, KISS ME, HOLD ME TIGHT

Peter had lost the fight.

Although you were useless, you tried getting there in time, hoping you could cause any distraction that would give him an advantage. But you heard the explosion, the walls and the ground rattling, and you dreaded you were too late.

You fell through the double doors, nearly losing your full balance and dropping to the floor. However, you maintained your composure, and tried to scan the room. The smoke hit your eyes and they stung, tears forming in your eyes which grew redder as the seconds passed.

Fire blazed throughout most of the room. You went down on all fours and shrugged your jacket off before you rapidly fastened it around your lower face. Your trembling hand grasped the pipe you’d kept with you in case you came upon someone, and you began to crawl into a cloud of smoke, praying Peter was still alive and breathing.

You fought hard to hold in the sobs that clawed at your throat. You couldn’t break down. Not right now, when Peter needed you.

“Peter!” You called out, coughing as a trace of fumes managed to sneak into your system. You went on with your search, nevertheless, even after your hand accidentally touched a scorching piece of metal and left your flesh screaming. Keep going, you told yourself when you cried out in pain, shaking yourself out of it. “Peter, it’s me! I-I’m here!”

A minute went by at most, but it seemed like an eternity. A minute and ten seconds, until you caught a glimpse of Peter’s body surrounded by flourishing flames. “Pete!” You stood up and ran to him, uncaring of your knees as you collapsed next to him. “O-Oh God…” You saw his burnt suit and whimpered, not knowing anymore if the tears pouring down your face were due to the smoke or the appalling despair poisoning your veins. You didn’t waste a single moment dwelling on the sight in front of you, though— right away, you grabbed him under his armpits and took in a restricted breath before you dragged him with you. You only moved him a few inches before you fell to your knees, heaving.

“Why are you so fucking heavy,” You sobbed, the terrifying realization that you might not make it out of there hitting you at full force. “N-No, you’re coming with me. We’re getting out of here, okay, baby?”

You didn’t know why you were speaking to his unconscious body. Perhaps it was the faint desire that he wasn’t gone yet, and he could somehow hear you. You could sense a coughing fit coming, but you stood back up and started hauling Peter across the floor again, this time mustering every last shred of strength your body possessed.

You had no answer to how you made it. But soon, you had gotten Peter as far away from the room as you could, and your arms gave out. You ripped his mask off, cupping his face with your dirty hands. He barely breathed. “Don’t leave me. Don’t you fucking dare. I’m gonna be so mad if you do.” You wiped your nose with your forearm and shook your hands, coughing. “Okay, okay, CPR.”

You placed the heel of your hand on his chest and put the other on top to push down hard. Push, push, push. You carried on begging him to stay with you as you did the compressions, your arms already too weak from having to carry him, but you continued pushing. Push, push, push. When you realized he still wasn’t breathing, you cursed loudly and began to blow into his mouth. You went back to doing compressions.

At the third rescue breath, he began to cough.

“Peter!” You bit back another sob as you watched consciousness slowly return to him, and when he blinked his red eyes up at you, you grabbed his face and pecked his mouth countless times, your shoulders shuddering.

Not too long after, he finally understood what was happening, and he held your shoulders, viewing you up and down. “Oh, thank God you’re okay—”

“No, thank God you’re okay—”

“I was so worried about you.”

“I was worried about you!”

“I tried getting to you as soon as I could—” He pecked you back, his voice raspy. “—but more guys just kept coming at me—”

“A bomb fucking exploded, Peter. I thought you were gone.” You were now weeping. Peter kissed you one last time before he embraced you close, against his wounds’ wishes. As you both tried to calm down, he glanced down at your hands and saw your open knuckles.

His eyes widened. “What happened to you?!” You looked down at your hands, the pain only just setting in once you became aware of your cuts.

“I had to get up here somehow,” You laughed weakly, and pointed at the abandoned pipe a few feet away from you. “I also had that. I’ve got a mean swing you’d be surprised. And a taser.” You took out the taser from your pocket wiggling it. Peter stared at you, his eyes moving back and forth between the taser and the pipe.

“That’s kinda hot.”

“Almost as much as that explosion?”

He had to give you a high five before you finally took him to the hospital.

‘YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL’ KISSES - YOU’RE JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU

A comedian’s podcast played in the background as you knelt beside Peter on your bed, using a brush to spread a skincare product evenly on his face. Peter watched you, adoring eyes inspecting you closely while you caught your lower lip in between your teeth and giggled after you heard a joke which you found too amusing. 

He drew patterns on your knee with his thumb and he squinted at you with curiosity, the corner of his mouth lifting upwards. “Since when are you a fan of this skincare stuff?” 

You squeezed a dab of product onto the brush before you grasped his chin gently, leaning closer to his face. “This coworker of mine, his skin is, like, so damn soft and flawless. I asked him what kind of black magic he used and he gifted me this,” You motioned to the bottle next to you, “and so I thought: ‘Well, might as well try it with my poor boyfriend who fucking sweats into a mask most of the time’. Seriously, I feel so bad for your pores—”

“Hey, my skin isn’t that bad, though. It’s beautiful.” He joked. You smiled at his comment, agreeing with your head.

“You’re right. But it doesn’t mean it can’t be better. You also deserve to sit back and relax after that job interview you had today.”

Peter frowned when he saw your excitement at the mention of the interview, self-doubt sabotaging his attempt at relaxing. “I probably didn’t get the job.” He muttered. 

Your brows knitted together and you pulled the brush away from his face to run your hand through his hair. “Shut up, you totally did. You’re the smartest guy I know.” You winked at him teasingly and he rolled his eyes, although his mouth twitched nonetheless. “Okay, you’re done! Now, look— let’s see my new glorious skin.” You gestured to your dried face, patting it to make sure it was ready.

“If our skin isn’t softer than a baby’s butt, I’m gonna sue.”

You snorted at him before you started scratching the product off your jaw. You hissed as it peeled off, pulling at your skin. You attempted to go on, but your pain tolerance was a joke at the moment. “Fuck, I think this now officially gonna be my face for the rest of my life.” You groaned. Peter gently pulled your hands away from your face.

“Lemme try.”

“No!” You playfully slapped his hands off you. “You’re probably gonna rip my face off.” And so he simply stared as you resumed your torture and voiced your complaints, until you gave up once you’d managed to free half of your face. 

Needless to say, you looked like an absolute clown.

In the midst of your battle against the face mask, Peter himself struggled to keep a serious face as he watched you and the product hardened, limiting the range of his expressions. You heard him laugh strangely, and you glanced up at him only to see him with his mouth half-open, his shoulders bouncing up and down with his chuckles, but he remained with a straight-face. 

You quirked a brow when his laughter increased, his eyes tearing up. “What is wrong with you?” 

“I-I can’t laugh.” He gasped, his face starting to twist. You began to laugh at him then, spreading the hilarity further like a virus. “N-No, don’t laugh! You’ll make laugh and I can’t laugh!” He shook his head frantically, his face mask starting to crack.

“You look like an idiot,” You wheezed, and all he could do was admire you as you cracked up and held your stomach, your beam making his chest swell. 

Your appearance was ridiculous at the moment, yet you mesmerized him nevertheless.

When you noticed he’d stopped laughing, you wiped your eyes, trying to calm yourself down, and saw his small smile. “What?” You questioned him, wondering if perhaps he gasped so much he was now dizzy. His grin grew. He didn’t care about the mask anymore. 

“You’re so beautiful.”

You pretended to gag, although your face heated up and your mouth curved into a smile. “Shut up, you’re so lame, God.”

“But you are!”

“Stop!”

“You’re so beautiful!” He yelled out dramatically to tease you. All of a sudden, he pulled you closer to him and grabbed your face, determined on peppering all the visible skin of your face with kisses. Your giggles were out of control as you tried squirming out of his grasp, but he continued pecking you over, and over, and over again. 

“I’m gonna throw up!” You laughed, and he smooched your cheek. “You’re a loser, I swear.”

He was your loser.

HOLIDAY KISSES - BABY, I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, AND IF YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO, IT WOULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY

It’d been eight months since you started dating, and neither of you had said ‘I love you’ yet.

It’s not that there existed no love. Just like you had said the night you first kissed, the love was mutual, but— again— you preferred to show it differently other than verbally. Or at least other than being straight-forward. It was expressed loud and clear whenever Peter squeezed in time in the morning to make you breakfast, every time you both teased each other or you told him to ‘shut up’, and, of course, in the most simple and obvious way: with every single kiss you shared. But you couldn’t have cried it out louder when you told Peter you’d take care of planning the Christmas Eve celebration at F.E.A.S.T.

You knew everything about Peter. You saved a special place in your brain with every detail about him: his fears, his wishes, his regrets, his shoe size— everything. It’s a perk from knowing him since middle school, and now that you were together, you’d only uncovered the remaining information buried deep within. Therefore, after he got a new job that made him as content as working with Otto Octavius did before everything went downhill, you were aware that if you hadn’t intervened, Peter would have overloaded with stress from trying to juggle every aspect of his life plus dealing with the Christmas Eve party.

However, that meant you transferred the restlessness from him to yourself.

Two months of relentless planning, and at last, it was Christmas Eve. At the back of the room, you watched your friend’s band play a Christmas song from afar, anxiously supervising that everyone enjoyed the night. Suddenly, you felt a pair of familiar arms wrap around your waist from behind and a chin atop your head. 

“Hey,” You heard Peter say and you smiled, leaning back into his embrace. “I haven’t been able to hang out with you at all during the night.” 

“I know, I’m sorry. I just wanted to make sure everything was going well.” Your voice, distant and distraught, deepened Peter’s frown. He turned you around and held your face, brushing your cheek with his knuckles. 

“I’m proud of you. You did a great job.”

Although his words made your chest glow, you glanced back at the performance. “Thanks. I was able to add in a few things since I convinced Harry’s dad to donate some money. I guess being his favorite out of you, Mary Jane, and I helped after all, huh?” 

“Well, you can relax now,” He rubbed your shoulders, and you just then realized how tense they were. “The night’s almost over.” Peter reassured you and you sighed, closing your heavy eyes.

“Anything could happen, though.” You forced out a laugh, worry forming a crease in between your eyebrows. “What if something catches on fire? Actually, did you know that people can randomly combust? There’s this one case—”

“Y/N.” For once, he was the one stopping you from rambling. 

“There’s still five songs left of the set.” You pouted at him, trying to convince him to let you off the hook, but he simply stared at you, concerned.

“I talked to Miles, he’s going to take your place while you take a break.”

“I don’t need a break, I just have to watch—”

“Remember the night when we first kissed, and you told me that I needed to stop overworking myself?” He recalled, raising his brows. You pressed your lips together, recognizing how hypocritical you appeared at the moment.

 “This is different, though. I need this to be perfect.” You mumbled. Peter’s brows drew together in confusion. 

“Why?”

“Because of May!” You said, raising your voice a little. The floor now seemed more interesting than Peter or your surroundings. “She deserves it. She really cared about F.E.A.S.T., so I know how important this is for you, too.” You admitted, all of a sudden quiet. 

The corners of his mouth turned downwards. He grabbed your chin and kissed your forehead before his soft gaze interlocked with yours. “Y/N, I bet she’d be so proud right now that she wouldn’t shut up about it, like, ever.” You both laughed, but you smiled weakly, hugging him strongly. “And spending time with you is really important for me, too.” He whispered.

Peter took in a sharp breath and dug his hand into his pocket. “I know it’s Christmas Eve, but I wanted to give you one present today.” 

You tilted your head, your heart falling as remembrance dawned upon you. “But I left my gifts back home.” 

“It’s alright, I-I just…” He took out a tiny box and your eyes widened in panic. “Before you freak out, it’s not… it’s not what you think.” He chuckled nervously and opened it, revealing a silver band ring.

You covered your mouth with your fist while your other hand grasped the ring carefully, inspecting the diamond cut running through the middle. “Pete… it’s so pretty, oh my God. I can’t even imagine how much you spent on it.” You said, guilt etched onto your face.

Peter tried to shrug nonchalantly, but he had to admit the expense stung a bit. “Don’t think about the price tag,” He joked, and then pointed down at the ring. “Look inside it, though.”

You followed his orders and spotted something engraved inside. You lifted it closer to your face to read it properly, squinting your eyes, and once you did, you looked up at Peter’s nervous face with a grin growing on yours. “You… love me?”

It was about damn time.

“Y-You… you like it?” He asked rapidly, his own heart mirroring the speed of his words. 

In the blink of an eye, you met his lips with a deep kiss, unable to stop yourself from smiling into it. “You’re so fucking dramatic, you could’ve just told me but you had to buy a whole ass ring to tell me you loved me.” You nudged him playfully.

“I wanted to be cute!”

“You’re automatically cute, you don’t even have to try.” Peter proved your point as the color of cotton candy painted his cheeks. “But I love it. And I love you, God, I love you so much, Peter, you have no clue.” 

He did. And he loved you back just as much.

[delicatejisung]

──── ❝ 공부시간 😔 ❞ ────

⊹ yanna started a surprise vlive with jisung on her side as she faced the laptop, the phone facing her and the boy hiding his face

⊹ “czennies, annyeong~” she said with a smile, making jisung chuckle

⊹ “today, this was random but i decided to show you guys how i do my activities and study for online schooling”

⊹ “yes! i enrolled for college, but i’m not telling you what course or university” she added with a smile

⊹ “honestly, this is just because i was bored and i didn’t want to do it alone” she confessed

⊹ “i’m not gonna ask you guys for answers, don’t worry” she giggled

⊹ “hello, i’m jisung” the boy said at the side, showing his phone saying he’s playing and just there for support if yanna wants to ask what the comments are saying

⊹ “honestly, i won’t be showing much. just my face when i do this, which is probably not that good because i hate studying.” “but you still do it”

⊹ yanna then looked at the comments and smiled

⊹ fan comment: i wish i looked that good while studying

⊹ “then put make up on while studying too! you can do that, why would other people care about what you do on your own time?”

⊹ “i should start, right?” she said more to herself but jisung nodded

⊹ “oh! right. so, you guys would probably think i’m kidding but i listen to nct songs when studying. it motivates me a lot.”

⊹ “i search up those... playlists on youtube and it works well with me.”

⊹ as soon as “pandora’s box” started playing, she smiled and started clicking on her laptop

⊹ it took her a few clicks while singing along before going “AH”, making jisung turn to her

⊹ “i could just type on a word file and copy the table and questions....” she mumbled

⊹ as she copied and pasted the questions on word, “angel” started playing and she immediately smiled and sang-along

⊹ her phone buzzed, making her look at it before smiling once again and grabbing it to reply

⊹ after a few more copying and pasting, she finally stretched her fingers and said “okay, now i’m gonna answer the questions.”

⊹ “but i’ll answer your questions first.” she said to the camera and started reading comments

⊹ fan comment: how did you take the news?

⊹ “oh, i was shocked. yesterday, i found out a bit earlier but i was still not convinced. but, it happens. and i’m just happy that she was able to be with hyung for a long time.”

⊹ “us dream members sent our condolences to hyung last night. i sent it but it was divided into all of us so he could hear our sincere words.”

⊹ fan comment: when will we meet your puppy?

⊹ “soon! maybe next year? [laughs]”

⊹ “i have to answer the activity now, it’s to be submitted tonight but i have a lot to do later~”

⊹ as soon as “let me love u” played her face instantly lit up

⊹ “this is my favorite wayv song after dream launch” she told jisung and the boy agreed

⊹ her phone buzzed once again but instead of smiling, she rolled her eyes playfully

⊹ [cue the comments saying they’re taking a screenshot bc it might show who texted and jisung saying “don’t do such thing~”]

⊹ another buzz and she suddenly looked uncomfortable

⊹ “stop texting me if i don’t know you” she said in a serious tone

⊹ “it ruins my concentration, please stop” she mumbled as her phone still kept on buzzing, making jisung look at it and decline the call

⊹ “wow, this is hard” she said in an attempt to change the subject

⊹ “no seriously, i don’t think i know how to answer this.” she turned to jisung who could only laugh while playing on his phone

⊹ “wait, i have to ask someone about it” she said as she grabbed her phone and started typing

⊹ “someone’s asking who you’re asking” jisung said, even though he wasn’t looking at the comments

⊹ “are you still playing with haechan?” she asked, the boy snorted as he noticed the lack of “hyung” and nodded

⊹ “oh! i don’t know if you know about this chrome extension, it really helped me a lot in studying last year. it’s called..... wait, i don’t think i’m allowed to say.”

⊹ “just, it starts with a k and it’s an extension so just search it up. it helps you when your modules are on pdf, you can highlight and write and even draw on it. it’s really effective for me!”

⊹ as “love song” started playing, she couldn’t help but dance while typing

⊹ “when the playlist ends, i’ll end the vlive too. hopefully i’ll be done by the time it does [snorts]”

⊹ she spent 3 minutes staring at the screen, singing along to “try again” as jisung said “what’s wrong?” while laughing

⊹ “studying’s not easy, everyone” she said to the camera, reading new comments

⊹ fan comment: why were you wearing a hanbok?

⊹ “[giggles] it’s a secret”

⊹ “you’ll know soon, just stay tuned.”

⊹ fan comment: where’s renjun?

⊹ “in my heart”

⊹ “kidding, he’s busy. jaemin and jeno-hyung are too.”

⊹ fan comment: what’s your favorite meal recently?

⊹ “recently i like sandwiches and yoghurt drinks.”

⊹ fan comment: aren’t you lactose intolerant?

⊹ “shhhhh”

⊹ “wait, i gotta go back! last two numbers, everyone! please cheer me on!”

⊹ “when studying or doing works like this, homework or requirements, don’t be afraid to take breaks. it’ll help your mind calm down.” she explained while typing

⊹ “if you’re worried that taking breaks will eat up your time doing it then start doing it early so you won’t be bothered too much” she continued, smiling a bit

⊹ as “back 2 u” started playing, she couldn’t help but sing along

⊹ right when “dream launch” started playing, she yelled out “i’m done!”

⊹ “i have to end this now because i have things to do and jisung has to play more, as a kid.”

⊹ “just always remember that studying isn’t required if it’s really not for you. as long as you know you can provide for your family, more importantly yourself, even without it then it’s completely fine. if you’re not capable of studying, it’s okay. as long as you’ve planned out everything and you know you won’t suffer in the end. do what makes you happy and comfortable!”

⊹ “and for those who just started their semester and are struggling, just keep holding on. do your best in studying, take care of your health and happily move towards your goal for yourself!”

⊹ “for everyone, working, studying or simply just running erands, wear your masks and drink tons of water and vitamins. keep yourselves healthy as we’re also doing that. and, let’s meet someday soon again~”

⊹ “jisung, do you have something to say?” “i’ll bubble you, guys.” “...... okay.”

⊹ “bye bye, czennies~ [blows a kiss]”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #332

i’m even more tired than before to try and think up song lyrics, i’m pasting from Word and then fucking off to bed lmao.

What was the last video message you received on your phone? I think it was a clip of Doris (Sara's beardie) eating and just being her perfect self? Was your last birthday cake homemade or store bought? Store-bought. One thing you miss about middle school? Shit, nothing. Middle school was the worst. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people? No. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. Would you ever pierce yourself? No. I am very much about having a professional do your body mods/art. Plus, I have tremors in my hands. Do you live in a safe neighbourhood? Supposedly. We haven't lived here nearly long enough to know. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? /shrug Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Only always. Have you ever been for a ride in the back of a truck? Yeah. Do you like your license photo? I hate my permit picture. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favorite? Not very, but I like 'em enough. I always say my favorite is Deadpool, but I know he's technically an anti-hero, but whatever. If you don't include him, uhhhh... maybe Spiderman. Have you started watching any new TV shows recently? No. Have you ever been able pet a normally wild animal, like a tiger or dolphin? No. :( At least, not to my recollection. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. There's actually a winter treat 'round here that you make with snow and sugar called snow cream. Good stuff. What is the messiest area in your home? Right now, the spare room/my wanna-be "office." What’s your favorite computer game genre? Still horror, like video games. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you received financial help from your parents in the past 5 years? I'm completely financially dependent on them still. Are you a fast or a slow eater? I eat like, stupid fast, but without being messy. People *cough*Mom*cough* will absolutely point it out, but I seriously can't help it. Making a conscious effort to eat slow feels way too weird. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? No. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? Ew, no. Tell me what's on your mind? I've been considering yet again reaching out to some tattoo parlors and asking if they're open to hiring someone to handle the front desk and take care of business besides actually performing piercing and tattooing, given my tremors. My group therapy has kinda been encouraging me to use the possibility for social exposure, and besides, I'm very comfortable in the environment and just general aura of tat parlors. I'm sure I'd have to answer the phone, handle money, and obviously talk to costumers, but I know and accept that. I've been at such a stagnant point with my social anxiety in particular that I have to start pushing back harder, and doing this I feel would be one of the most relaxed, social job positions I can hopefully handle. I don't dare to even try this though until I get vaccinated to protect my immunocompromised mom. Writing this all out has actually been pretty encouraging about this idea... Do you wish you never dated someone you dated? Yeah, Tyler. It was such a "I'm lonely and he was nice in high school, so we'll try it" situation. I got nothing from it. Are you scared of growing old alone? Pretty badly. What are you listening to right now? I'm listening to/semi-watching John Wolfe play the remaster of Resident Evil 2. What breed was the last dog you saw? He was a German shepherd. Would you ever go swimming during a thunderstorm? No. Any time a thunderstorm was brewing and I was in the pool, I'd always get out. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I plan to see Ozzy when/if he reschedules his tour after he had to cancel with his Parkinson's diagnosis. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy. :/ What's the highest science class you have taken? I don't know, actually. What makes you squeal like a school girl? No shame, seeing Mark and Amy do something cute together actually does this, lmao. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) Do fictional ones count? Because in that case, the Halo of the Sun from the Silent Hill franchise. I'm getting it tattooed somewhere at some point, I'm thinking the left side of my neck. I'm either gonna fashion it in a way where it looks branded on or carved into me. Have you ever been on anti depressants? For all of my pre-teen, teen, and some of my adult life. Apparently, I've only had one truly educated psychiatrist out of no less than a dozen I'd seen, because he fixed me right up. He taught me that those who suffer from bipolarity should avoid anti-depressants; they ramp up your bipolar symptoms. Instead, mood stabilizers are favorable. And what do you know, after I was prescribed a stabilizer and a catalyst for that medication, my depression decreased dramatically and became handleable. Have you ever starved yourself? Kinda. What’s the stupidest name you’ve ever given a pet? I had a guinea pig named Harry Potter. For no particular reason lmao. I'm not even a Harry Potter fan. Do you have nice legs? God no. Do you like fedoras? Okay so I know I am in the strong minority, but I actually do, haha. What is your favorite food group? Carbs. @_@ Have you ever got told that you should be a model? No, but one of the most flattering indirect compliments I've ever gotten was being mistaken for one. Jason's phone wallpaper was one of my favorite pictures of myself with my first snake, and someone asked him if I was a model. ;v;' What song is in a language you don’t speak, but you love it anyway? "Donaukinder" by Rammstein is one of my faves. Who’s a villain you sympathize with and why? SOBS Darkiplier bc his origins are so damn tragic and unfair. What book do you think should be directed as a film? Was The Giver ever made into one? I don't remember that book well, but I do recall it being absolutely beautiful. Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say? No. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Yeah. I have thousands on the Silent Hill wiki, where I'm one of the admins. I'm also a content moderator at the Team Ico (Shadow of the Colossus devs) one. Every now and again I used to go on the meerkats wiki as well, where I mainly fixed the fucking nightmarish grammar. Very briefly, I edited at the Dragons of Atlantis wiki as well. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? Not very, but of course I still acknowledge the risk and am more conscious of hand washing and stuff. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Snapchat, I don't actually use my Twitter, I don't have a personal Instagram... There may be more, idk. Is TikTok a "social media platform?" Because I don't have that, either. What was the name of the first porcelien doll you got? Never had one, given I was afraid of dolls as a kid. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "Decode." Would you be happy with a life without romance? To be entirely honest, I'd feel like I was missing something. Was your childhood happy? Mostly. What fundamentally matters do you? Love, kindness, peace, all that gooey stuff. Is true world peace ever possible? As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think so. The human population is far too big to come to a unanimous agreement on anything. Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yeah. Would you ever own a pet black widow spider? No. I'm getting more into the idea of owning invertebrates (I jabber enough about wanting tarantulas, and there are others, like mantises, I'm interested in as pets), but black widows, I'm not into the idea of having. Too venomous for me to be comfortable risking. If you have a job, what is the longest shift that you've worked? N/A Do you know all of the words to "Bohemian Rhapsody?" FUCK YES I DO. ^ Do you sing it with all of the different voices? sho nuff Do you own more than one copy of a certain book? No. Do you like interpreting poetry or just reading it for fun? Both. I love symbolism, so I get joy out of digging for subtle meanings in poems. Do you have a favorite Dr. Suess book? Yeah, it was always Green Eggs and Ham. Do you watch The Walking Dead? If so, favorite character? Not the show, but I've watched let's plays of the games, haha. In which case Clementine is inarguably one of the best female characters in a video game universe. Who has/had the most mature romantic relationship you’ve seen with your own eyes? Uhhh. I mean I never saw them much, but probably my late grandmother and her last husband. He was fucking incredible to her, and Grammy adored him as well. They helped each other so much and just obviously had the purest love between them. When was the last time you got something for free (legally)? What was it & have you enjoyed it so far? Lmao do balls in Pokemon GO count? Their occasional free boxes are the reason I can play the game because PokeStops are essentially non-existent here, so yes. What is the one fruit you can’t stand to eat? How about vegetable? The first one that came to me were oranges. I enjoy orange juice, but I just caaaaannot with the white veiny shit that you can't totally get off when peeling it. Without that, I might actually enjoy them, but idk. As for vegetable, asparagus is absolutely abhorrent. When’s the last time you actually recited the pledge? If you aren’t American, do/did you have anything similar in your country that you do during a time at school? Probably not since high school. Last person you shared food with? Ummm I have no idea. It's really just Mom and me here and we eat our own stuff. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? I believe it waaas... "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson, maybe. If your life was a TV show, what would be the theme song? My inner high school emo just screamed "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Gahdamn, there's a lot. I don't feel like going through a mental list in my head and then describing why. A character (in anything) you wish hadn’t been killed off? Vol'jin; I think the entire WoW fanbase will forever be pissed about it. It was THE most "lul we dunno what 2 do w/ him anymore, let's let a totally random, unnamed, unimportant demon kill him" like what the fuck, Blizz. Most of his "oomph" was in the book, and I just really wish they'd done so much more with him in the game. Has anything “cute” happened in the past week? Off the top of me noggin, no. When did you last say “I love you”? Did you mean it? Yesterday to Sara. OF course I did. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Hi, PTSD, how are ya. Have you ever slept all day? Essentially. When I was on a larger dose of my anxiety med, I physically couldn't stay up for barely even five minutes, and when I'd lie back down, boom, I was OUT. I stayed on that dosage for I think just that one day, it was so bad. Can you have kids? Well, I have a functioning menstrual cycle, so I would assume so. Doesn't mean I will, though. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Only black. Do you like eating sour things? Hell yeah, I love sour stuff, candy in particular. Do you like pickles? fuuuuck yeah Did you ever have a really close friend move away? Yeah, in elementary school. I feel bad I can't remember her name at the moment... What's the most creative thing you've ever done? I mean, I guess the things I've written in RP. What's the most creative thing someone has done for you? For me? I don't really know. Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows? Sure, they're some of my favorites. What’s something you’d like to be better at? Social interaction. Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? Yeah. Do you think you would make a good parent? No. I know I wouldn't. The only time I ever wanted kids was with Jason, and honestly, I really hope I don't end up with a man because I never want to deal with that urge again and make a mistake. I'm just in no way emotionally fit to be a mother. How many best friends do you have? Just one. What do you cry over the most? My PTSD, honestly. I never sob about it anymore, just shed some tears. What language did/do you take in high school? Latin for one semester, then all four available for German. Which sports do you follow? None. Who was the last person you talked about marriage or having kids with? About marriage, Sara. Kids, the subject was lightly touched upon with Girt, though "with" was never a part of it, but obviously implied seeing as we were dating with long-term in mind. Have you ever been in a house fire? No, thankfully. Have you ever made out for one straight hour? them is rookie numbers Are you any good at remembering phone numbers? No. I literally don't even know my own, nor my mother's. I need to fix that. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt. Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? No. If I gave you twenty bucks what would you do with it? Save it to go towards Venus' terrarium. Is there a movie from your childhood that you still watch today? Well of course! I'm unashamed to watch any "kids" movie I enjoy, like Disney ones. Most "kids" movies tend to be better than those intended for adults, it seems... Are you afraid of mice? Oh no, I adore mice and I think had a pair as pets before I got rats. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I can't really answer this; I haven't gone on nearly enough vacations to develop a theme. I can say confidently though it'd probably be something small. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't enjoy musicals. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? One or two with Sara, yes. I know we at least watched the weeping angels episode. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Warriors by S.E. Hinton. Sometimes I wanna get back into them, but I am YEARS behind and more into Wings of Fire anyway, so. I don't read nearly enough for both. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Literally no trick seems to work for me. I just suffer lmao.

[throwing-summers-at-the-walls]

Hello half valid anon here (i like my nickname 😂). I got through all your fics and they were all great. Right now im just reading a lot of poi fanfics and watch fanvids cause i can't accept that the series is over 😂 --- i know what you mean about fics affecting you negatively. I had this with 13rw (the Show and some fics) everything was so dark and hopeless that i had to stop watching it. I also love to seek out fics where someone is hurt so i can feel my pain through the characters (1)

But i try to read only fics with lots of comfort so it kinda feels like i get comforted as well (dont know if that makes sense). If it makes you uncomfortable or if its unhealthy for you to write about this i completely understand and i dont mean to come of as pushing you to write. I just hope whatever you do will be the right decision for you! As for you feeling suicidal im sorry to hear that. Let me know if there is ever anything i can do to help! I wish i could say sth more comforting but Im not super good with words :( i just hope you have people in your life that support you! 💛

maybe root will grow on you too? Or maybe you can skip her scenes and enjoy John, Harold and most importanly Bear! 😂 Yeah Shaw definately looks really good. She is a bit like Reese minus the caring. At first it seems she doesnt care about anything at all but thats not exactly the Case. There was an episode with Shaw and a little girl (3x5) and i really loved it (have you seen that one?).

I really think Shaw would grow on you (especially since in the beginning she does a lot with John) but then again a lot of her later scenes include Root so im not sure. Yes i love that there were never any romantic undertones with her and John!!

yeah the core four were great. I was so sad when Carter died! :(

i guess everyone sees chemistry different, i think Shoot and Rinch post have great chemistry ☺️

as for John being good with people: YES!! he is always so compassionate and such a great listener as well. I especially like him with children. John and the baby were so cute or John with the boy who offered to pay for him. John + Kids was always a great combination and i wished we would have seen it more often. Also regarding children we did we never got to see a John Taylor scene after Carters death? I needed that!

yes John the badass is also amazing! His character has so many different sides and i love him so much!!

i think Grace Harold was really cute but i dont really see a future for them, i mean he lied to her for so long! but then again they really loved each other so idk maybe they work it out. Im also not into John/Harold/Grace but like you said good for the people who like the ship :)

John and Zoe were great! i wish Zoe would have appeared more often!

I have so many things to say about John and the boring therapist but i think i better not say them :D i wish i could just erase their relationship from my mind!

of course he didnt die! i didnt see a dead body so i refuse to believe he is dead! i also just wanted them to be happy. what kind of an ending is it to let the main character die? i refuse to accept this! -- thank you for the rec i will check it out :) while i do like fluff i mostly read h/c (with the focus on the comfort) cause i just want John to get his much needed comfort :D -- i have no idea where season 1 is supposed to be boring. but idc the people can live with their wrong opinions :D

(today: tumblr user nourann3 discovers the option to indent text after almost 5 years on tumblr...)

Hiii !! It is a very valid nickname 😂 That's nice !! Hmu if you want more recs ! Lol same honestly, I can't believe it's been 4 years since the show ended ! I can give you a link to my poi/Rinch fanvids playlist if you're interested 👀

Oh boi 13rw is so cursed, can't believe I watched all of the 1st season 😬 I remember being afraid of the suicide scene making me uncomfortable but it was so cringe, unrealistic and just bad that I wasn't even that uncomfortable, I cringed when she cut her arms but that's it.

Yeah big mood I project a lot on comfort fics as well. For suicide fics, I think it also depends on how the fics adress the subject. It's something that is complicated to write. If I read a suicide fic with no recovery I'm gonna project but feel like shit. But with recovery, I can project into the recovery as well so it's better ! I read a really good ace attorney fic showing Miles recovering after a suicide attempt, it was thoughtful and didn't fall into the pitfalls of magical super fast recovery/love heals everything, and some lines stuck with me, it was really good and comforting. But yeah if it's just a suicide/suicide attempt then I don't think it's good for me (but sometimes I still read it bc I'm a Dumb Bitch).

Dw you didn't come off as pushing 💜 I'll see how I feel about continuing it or not. I have to figure out if writing about suicide is positive or negative for me 🤔 I mean I'm not portraying John's suicidal crisis as a positive thing, and he reaches out to Harold, and considers he might get better so I don't think it's bad for me ? Another problem is that I have a tendency to drop my wips to write a new shiny idea I get, and then I never finish anything gkgkffjfjf I dropped the suicide fic for the body horror fic which I dropped for the time loop fic, and there's also the hanahaki fic I started last year but I haven't touched in months, plus a bunch of random shit floating around OneDrive lmao someone stop me

What helps the most is venting, just getting that shit out is helping y'know. I appreciate your support ♥️ at least it's not as bad as it used to be

I doubt Root will grow on me, catch me watching her scenes at 1.5 speed lmao, also yes you bet I'll enjoy watching them !!

Yes I remember that ep ! Iirc the little girl tells Shaw she has feelings but the volume is lower than in other people or smth along those lines ?

I hope she'll grow on me bc she seems cool. I remember I was a bit afraid of her just becoming a sort of hollow copy of John, like "look we added another badass to the show". Seems to be more than that though ! Also I'm curious about their mayhem twins dynamic. But yeah if she has a lot of scenes with Root idk how much it'll annoy me

I feel like I wouldn't be able to get the Shoot chemistry bc I'm too biased against Root lol

Ikr the crossing hurt me so much. But thinking about it takes me back to my careese days and my first fics lol. I feel like the death of one of the core four + the abandonment of the library really alienated me from the show (did I already say that before ?). And here I'm gonna shamelessly derail from Carter to the library bc boiii do I have a lot of feelings about the library !! And you're here, talking about poi, so you're the perfect subject to throw these feelings at. This post really says what I feel about it (I'll put the link at the end as well if you wanna read it after you're done with this l o n g reply). It was in a way its own character and its forced abandonment/destruction really hit me (fucked me up when they broke that glass board). It says something that it's one of the few things I remember from S3 along with Carter's death and 4C. I loved it a lot, it was a cornerstone of the show. It was a safe place, a home for Harold and John (and Bear !). I love when they're together in there, I love this cracked glass board, this yellow stained glass in the windows !!! (at least I assume it's stained glass ?), these lights, Bear's cushion, the whole cozy/safe/isolated feelings, just absolutely everything. And yeah later they have the subway, idk when it's introduced I don't remember if it's early enough for me to have watched it. And maybe it's nice, I can't judge rn. But it's like trying to give me a new MC after a MCD, make him as nice as you want I'll be clutching the previous MC until I die. Gkfkfkff I went overboard and off topic but I just love the library ok

Ikr I love how he's badass but also gentle and understanding and nice to people ! I love him !!! Yeah wolf and cub is really good, also I love when John smiles to Darren at the end !! I use this moment as my pfp bc I love it so much. He's just so cute ! I wish he smiled more (did we ever hear him laugh in the entirety of the show ?). Baby blue is so great, Harold and him are such a married couple in this ep ! Yeah same more content with John and children would have been nice.

I never thought about how much we needed a John Taylor scene but yes !! We were robbed :((((

Speaking of John being a cool badass. Here's a badass John vid rec it's super good

Yeah they were cute in the past. I think it's good he went back to her bc it gives closure to both of them. But I don't see their relationship working again. She grieved, probably started to move on after all these years and knowing he lied all this time probably won't make her want to go back with him. I've never been in love so what do I know lol, but were I her I probably wouldn't want to go back with him and I'd just be happy knowing he's alive after all.

Same I need more Zoe (also she's hot)

Lmao let's just forget about that weird relationship shall we

Aren't we all the same, firmly believing he's alive and happy out there ! It was foreshadowed since the first ep and it made sense but do I care ? No, fuck that shit John is very much alive

You're welcome ! John needs all the comfort and the love !!! I think I have a preference for fluff bc he gets hurt enough in the show lol

Indeed they can, veryyy far away from us

Sry if this is shit I have like half a functioning braincell today

The post abt home bases I mentioned

[fallingin-like]

november 5

paper skies by @allforthebee [requested by @annawrites]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

this is a fic with absolutely amazing descriptions and imagery. featuring librarian!andrew and a lot of introspection. the writing is so beautiful, i could not possibly capture how it made me feel in words. this fic was so so good.

this fic is so beautiful. i was intrigued by what you meant by it being a love letter to Bluets but now i understand. i’ve started to read a free preview of Bluets (on google books) and i think i’m falling in love with it too. it’s the kind of book that you need a physical copy of. i immediately looked up where i could purchase a copy. the cover is so nice (i’m seeing the one that’s all blue with the square in the middle) i was disappointed that none of the stores within a reasonable distance stock this. i think i love the colour blue too. it seems everytime i read something about it, i feel it. this fic, Bluets, and one other fic, “where everything is good”. it also seems to fit andrew well.

parts that i especially liked (it’s almost embarrassing that i’m almost quoting the whole fic):

”he stares at the seam for a moment, before deciding he likes it. he makes a mental note to tell bee. she likes when he tells her things like that.” i like that this version of andrew lets himself like things. i like that he knows bee well enough to know what she likes and i like that he wants to do things that he likes. i especially like that he acknowledges that he is capable of doing things that other people like. sometimes i find that people in the fandom (myself included) are guilty of forgetting that andrew experiences emotion. that he experienced it before meeting neil and he experiences it after (even when neil is not around). it makes me feel like this is a softer version of andrew, but i realise that this is just andrew. we don’t know what he’s thinking during the series but even though he doesn’t emote often, he must have thoughts like these.

”he doesn’t understand why books aren’t organized by colour. andrew could tell more about a book by the dye of its sleeve than the content of its pages.” can you imagine? this would make a library so beautiful. i really like this

”he moves onto fiction, starting with z because sometimes going backwards is less overwhelming.” YEs

”he doesn’t trust the blues that can’t decide whether or not they want to be blue. they leave behind a residue, and andrew feels the weight of them long after he’s washed his hands” the way you describe this is so good. i feel this even if i don’t fully understand it

”he’s not the type to have a collection of blue coloured things at home, but if he sees a particularly striking bouquet of forget-me-nots, or the rough swells of cobalt sea, he’ll pause and allow himself the moment to exist” this feels very much like andrew. i love the last part of this. i think i need to practice this as well, seeing something that is lovely and pausing and allowing myself the moment to exist.

”because, in the twenty-six years andrew had been alive, he’d come to find that blues hurt the most. because, in a world that insists nothing meant anything unless you let it, andrew had been quick to learn everything meant something whether you want it to or not.” this makes me hurt, too. sometimes things are too beautiful, you love too much, you let yourself fear, and it hurts more for it. the wording of this is so nice.

“post-google dust rises from the shelf, and andrew makes a face” this is a great example of the amazing humour that you incorporate in this fic. it’s funny and lightens the fic, but doesn’t feel out of place.

”three years ago, andrew sat across the table from a boy who looked just like him, only to walk out and leave him behind” i really really like the way you wrote this, but i can’t describe it. the words you chose are perfect.

”he didn’t know how disappointing andrew could be” oh no andrew. (but also, this hits a bit different bc it’s too close to what my own inner monologue sounds like sometimes. it makes me feel exposed and raw and also not as alone as i previously felt)

”oh, andrew thought. this is what blue feels like” THIS HURTS.

”and so he bounced from house to house, painting himself with bruises, in the hopes that he would find someone out there who loved the colour blue” ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHhhh

”if someone tears a line into their carpet and no one is there to witness it, does it still hurt?” if someone tears lines into themselves and no one is there to witness it, does it still hurt? (i do not know the answer to this.)

”he starts to fidget when he stays in one place for too long, like he’s afraid his bones will sprout leaves if he’s rooted in one place” i don’t want be too bold in my interpretations of your work, but to me this feels like something andrew has learned from his time as a child. the longer he stays in a home, the deeper his roots are, the more hopeful he becomes, the more it hurts when he is forced to move.

i love your descriptions of the sky. they’re gorgeous.

”there’s a song in his head, but he doesn’t remember the words” i really like that you added this sentence.

”summer lightning shatters the sky, and andrew shivers electric blue” this imagery is amazing. you have such a way with words that something so simple has such impact

this concept of the difference between liking things that don’t change vs things that stay the same. i see myself in this. ever since i was a child, i’ve been very resistant and afraid of change. i think i do prefer things that don’t change, but i’ve never thought about it this much.

”after all, if all you’ve ever known is change, then that’s staying the same, no? and, from what you’ve told me, blue is always changing.” oh

”andrew’s mouth goes a little slack. pretty.” THIS MAKES ME FEEL SO SOFT.

i cannot believe that neil walks in, andrew immediately thinks he’s pretty, then absolutely refuses to respond to him. what an icon

”there’s intent in labels, and andrew doesn’t want for anything” ahhh

ANDREW STAMPS THE SAME CARD FIVE TIMES

“neil josten, he mouths, tasting sea water” i read this and just marvel for the thousandth time at how good you are at writing

”andrew debates painting the walls with blue glitter-glue” CAN YOU IMAGINE. ANDREW ON A LADDER PAINTING THE WALLS WITH BLUE GLITTER

”i’m pretty sure i learned the alphabet in kindergarten” neil, you’re killing me.

andrew’s library must be so beautiful! it has stained glass? amazing.

”makes me feel like more than i am” this is how this fic makes me feel.

SORRY ANDREW PUSHES NEIL AROUND ON HIS CART THAT’S SO ADORABLE

can you believe that andrew kept neil’s license in his pocket for WEEKS. he must have changed pants during that time and just, ‘whoop gotta bring neil’s id bc what if he visitssss’

i can’t believe that you forced me to look at the standard error of regression slope and standard error of difference of sample means with my own eyes. what terrible formulae. i like math, but these are really just The Worst

”andrew’s world has been reduced to a rainbow pack of post-it notes, and somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to miss blue”

”andrew feels raw, like a blossoming bruise. he gets this way after his sessions with bee. the truth is a dirty fighter, and it leaves him ugly and sore for days. he should’ve known blue always comes back” there are no words that exist that i could use to sufficiently respond to this. i can only say that this is so special, these are the kinds of sentences that stay with you

”they stay like that for a while, neil kissing away the taste of blue until andrew’s left tasting bright orange” !!!

did you know, my favourite type of gummy bear is the blue ones?

i love the integration of quotes from the book into this fic. they work very well in separating the fic in sections and help establishing the tone. there are so many good quotes/numbers in Bluets, i’m curious how you chose which to include? and of these, how did you choose what part of each number to use? 

this fic is amazing. i’ve read it before in the past and now that i’m coming back to comment on it, i do not know why i have never commented before. this is something special. you have humour that fits so well with your style of writing. you make writing seem so easy, it’s as if the words have always existed and just needed to be written down. what a pleasure to read. my brain is not good at producing imagery while i read, but it seemed like i watched this fic play out instead of reading it. everything is so vivid and realistic and you pick out just the right details, you add just the right sentence. it makes me more aware of what i am feeling and the absence of feeling (i repress a lot of emotions lol) this fic makes me want so bad. this is the kind of fic that i will think about long after i have read it. it’s so raw and intense and real and it feels very true to andrew.

one of my favourite parts of this fic is how you use your word choice, tone, pacing, and quotes. you are a very skilled writer. when i read this everything around and inside of me goes quiet.

thank you so much for writing this.

[medievalemma]

emma’s secrets for a Great Presentation

hey y’all, it seems i’m becoming somewhat known among friends for making Really Good Presentations. here’s some secrets for turning your presentation from drab to fab :) there’s a tl;dr at the bottom if you don’t have the time or energy to read everything, but i recommend you do if you can. (also, if something i say doesn’t work for you, don’t worry. a lot of these aren’t hard-and-fast rules.)

APPEARANCE AND TIPS:

use a theme!!!! make it pretty!!! plain white slides are BOOOOORING.

visual interest will keep audience attention. you don’t need a super complex one, the premade ones are generally pretty good. 

for maximum! effectiveness! go for something sleek/modern, with solid color blocks rather than patterns. 

if you don’t like the colors you can change them. look past the colors to the underlying design.

if you add a new slide in powerpoint, it'll copy the format/layout of the slide you're currently on.

don’t just use the same format for every slide! quotes should use a different slide layout to photos or blocks of text.

you can hide slides that don't work, don't delete them just in case! 

please don’t use slide transitions unless absolutely necessary they are a relic of the past and should be left there.

WRITING YOUR PRESENTATION SCRIPT:

 MAKE YOUR POWERPOINT WHILE WRITING THE PRESENTATION. i cannot stress this enough. it is so much easier to do them side-by-side, so you can make sure that your slides are relevant to your text.

you are writing out a script, right? don’t do it off the cuff. save yourself uhhs and umms by having all your words already prepared.

i know y’all sciencey types don’t do this, which imo is stupid. having a script also ensures that your facts are kept straight.

that said, write your script the same way you talk. you don’t talk like an academic journal in your day-to-day life so don’t write a presentation like one. 

keep it formal, but don’t be afraid of simple language and the occasional contraction or colloquialism.

remember, you’re writing something that will be spoken not read so you should be comfortable with the language.

a good guideline is to write as though you are telling grandma (or an interested stranger) about your presentation topic!

your concepts/arguments need to be clear and easy to understand for someone with only the barest context of your research. 

remember: your audience doesn’t have your notes and experience with the topic. even if they do, assume they don’t.

you can assume a basic level of discipline-standard knowledge (i.e. historians shouldn’t need you to define terms and concepts specific to history but if you’re not presenting to an audience made up entirely of people from your discipline, you may need to give a brief definition and context for important discipline-specific knowledge.

i.e. i wouldn’t expect a chemist to tell other chemists what a titration is but i would hope they would briefly define it for a general science audience and i would expect a definition for a general audience including non-scientists.

if you have to turn your script in, cite as you go, same as you would with an essay. 

if you don’t, do make sure to toss in a few informal citations so you know where you found bits you may need to find again. this can be as simple as an author’s surname or a short title and a page number.

don’t use in-text citations in your script -- use footnotes, which you can format as you would in-text citations. this is so you can smoothly read your script without having to skip over long-ass citations.

PICTURES ON SLIDES:

don’t just have text, please. put in pictures. audiences like pictures.

not clipart tho clipart is laaaame and so 2003

that said, how are your pics relevant? you gotta discuss them, don't just have a picture to have a picture. every photo has a purpose.

the bare necessary information for photos is licensing, year, and location. 

full citations of images can go in your sources list, which should be your last slide. (have that up during your concluding paragraph.)

when it comes to diagrams and graphs please ensure they are:

informative

accurate

relevant

use common sense: pie charts should only be used when you are showing parts of a whole. it is a mortal sin to do otherwise. do not use pie charts if the whole does not add up to 100%. if there is category overlap such that it cannot be displayed as a separate category then do not use a pie chart.

i will make an entire post about this if i need to

TEXT ON SLIDES:

don't have tons of text unless it’s necessary: i.e. you're doing a textual analysis, and then highlight the relevant bits with color and/or bold. 

i did an analysis using a list of criteria and i highlighted each criterion as i discussed it with color and bold, then changed the color to a darker one when i moved to the next but left it bold so the audience could see what we’d covered.

if you do have to have a ton of text use either multiple slides or the text animations (just have them appear or fly in, anything else is just...no.) so your audience doesn’t get info overload when you change slides.

when you’re using those animations, i personally prefer if the first bullet point is already on the slide. your header should not be the point of discussion -- it should tie all the points together.

when it comes to stuff you've quoted, put the full quote in its context in the slide. highlight the important stuff if it’s a long one. not necessary but it’s nice to see the full quote when you’re in the audience.

make sure the text is a size (and color) that is readable from a distance! 

whatever the default size on your presentation application is should be fine, usually that’s around 16-18pt.

16pt is generally the smallest you should go for text you expect your audience to read

citations can be smaller, i generally put those around 14pt or 12 if they’re massive.

your text should be readable if your presentation is viewed in greyscale. easiest way to determine this is to take a photo and put one of the greyscale filters in instagram on it. don’t publish it tho nobody wants to see that

ACTUALLY PRESENTING:

have some method of knowing where you want to switch slides, i like to highlight the text where i plan to go to the next slide. however you do it, have something that means NEXT SLIDE in your script.

just as you've put the slides to your text, put the text to your slides. you know that bit you highlighted? put that in the slide notes so you can easily see if the slide is where it should be.

read your presentation with your slides BEFORE you have to present it. this is how you can ensure they work together.

also, since you're reading your presentation (you did write it out didn’t you?), don't read from a script that’s at 12 pt whatever font. 

scale the font up so it is easily readable from a distance. 

if you're reading from a device, try to get it in a format where there are no overt page breaks and you can just continuously scroll. i find the “web format” of most word processors that have page-breaks is generally the best way. 

resize the window so it is no wider than a standard sheet of printer paper (A4/8.5x11″) -- this prevents you from having lines that are too long to comfortably read.

don’t worry about stumbling over your words. everyone does it. nobody really cares. it rarely distracts from your presentation. if you’re stumbling over the same part while practicing, fix it so you don’t. 

have a bottle of water to drink from when you’re done, bc your throat will be dry af. you’re welcome ;)

TL;DR: make it pretty, everything in the powerpoint should be relevant to your script, and of course, write a script that you can read from a distance!

[will-squill-blog]

11 Questions

hey y’all!! so i was tagged in this thing by @libtertysir (thank you for tagging me!! i’m sorry i took so long to get to this) and i’ve never done one of these before, so i really hope i did it right!! i tried to not make myself overthink the answers but there were a couple times when i did, so sorry about that,, anyways I’m gonna put my answers and all of that shit under the cut BUT the people I’m tagging in this next are:  @georgiapeaches-n-cream, @linquenelsprite, @eldritch-queen, @theradicalace, @afantasticmess, @alexfuckingdies, @introverts-unite, @fowl-play-blue-jay y’all don’t have to feel obligated to do this if you’d rather not, but yeah!! if you are, you should at least read the bottom of the posts bc the questions for y’all to answer are down there,, anyways-

What is your earliest memory of school?

Before elementary school, I went to this school/daycare place called “the young school”. I have multiple specific memories from there, (including being taught how to yo-yo and not at ALL figuring it out, getting very concerned over the words to “ring around the rosie”, and not at all understanding the point of nap-time) but the very earliest is from the first day there, when I realized I had to be separated from my brother and was absolutely terrified. 

What is your favorite candy bar, and describe everything good about it!

Kit Kats! It’s probably a pretty typical answer, but it’s always the first one that comes to mind. I love that they break into two, and they’re so crunchy! My favorite part has to be the flavors, though. We have this asian market a little while away from my house that sells a bunch of flavor variations, and they’re so good! Most places just have chocolate and vanilla (which is seasonal), but this place has cookies and cream, matcha green tea, strawberry, peach, mango, and some others! I’ve seen pictures online of the amount of flavors they offer in Japan, and they look so good!! My only problems with them are that I can’t try all the flavors ‘cause they aren’t here, and, of course, that they have milk (I’m lactose intolerant).

What 3 songs would you use to introduce someone to your favorite band? 

I don’t really think I have a favorite band? I usually don’t, I just listen to whatever music I’m feeling at that point. Although if I did have to pick a favorite right now, it’d be NSP, and the songs I pick would vary GREATLY depending on the person. However, I actually was going to introduce them to someone I know, and was going with “take on me”, “peppermint creams”, and “6969”!

What was one weird thing you did with your friends in high school that you’re not afraid to admit? 

I’m gonna be real, y’all, I’m still in high school! I don’t think I’ve done anything weird enough yet that it would fit here, so I guess I can’t answer this one.

What musical instrument do you hate hearing the most, and why? 

This might be very obscure, but a “crank-style ratchet”? We were doing an activity in music class and someone chose that for their instrument and let me tell you, this thing sounds HORRIBLE. I couldn’t think of an actual instrument, it’s more of a noisemaker, so I’m sorry if my answer technically doesn’t count!

If you could, what personality trait of yours would you give to everyone else in the world?

I’m pretty sure “acceptance” is a personality trait, so it’d be that one. Just so people can be less bigoted, you know?

If you could learn any skill, what would it be, why, and how would you use that skill to make at least 5 friends? 

Assuming we mean skills that are physically possible, I’d want to learn art. Not regular art, I mean that next level shit. I’d want to learn how to flawlessly make art using any medium in any art style and it would always look exactly how I wanted. Every time I make any type of art- drawing, painting, sculptures, ANYTHING- it’s never quite right. I would love to be able to always make it look exactly how I wanted. I’d make friends by then being the best fucking artist to exist ever. Just make art of anything and everything, give art to people I meet, make friends.

Bees?

Honestly, I love bees but whenever I’m near them, I’m absolutely terrified of them. Fuck yeah, though, bees.

What is your favorite thing about your face? (Positive Answers Only, y’all are beautiful people)

My eyes! How they look, I mean- I have absolutely horrid vision, but that is a long and complex story for another time. Here’s a fun fact: they’re so bad I had to write this post in another software before copy-pasting it here since this format has so many words so close together that I can’t read this. I’m trying to make the format a bit easier by adding more spaces, but still. My eyes suck.

Do you have any ghost stories?

The one I remember the best is the time when I was younger that I was convinced there was a ghost since I kept hearing scratching noises on the walls and I was upstairs. There were also some strange whistling noises, but that was just the wind. Apparently the scratching was a raccoon, but I still don’t know why it sounded so close? Did it climb up the side of the house or something? Plus, it was really windy out, so how would that thing even get up there? I know it’s not that great, but it’s the first one that came to mind.

A door appears in front of you, and takes you to a room with someone who you want to forgive, and someone who you want to be forgiven by. Who are they, and what happened to between you?

Oh boy, this is a heavy question. Like, a really fucking heavy question. The person I want to be forgiven by would probably be someone who was actually best friends with my shitty, abusive ex boyfriend. We’ll call him L. He was horrible, so fucking horrible, and I still have SO MUCH trauma from that relationship, but that’s for another time. His best friend, however, knew that the things L was doing were bad, but stayed friends with him- for reasons I don’t know. I think, after things got really fucking shitty between me and L, that his best friend started to get angry at me. L’s best friend was an extremely sweet and caring person who I sometimes really, truly miss. I will never, ever understand why they stayed friends, or how you could even stay friends with someone after knowing about how badly they abused other people. Now, on the other hand, the person I want to forgive. This is a lot harder to think of. If I’m being honest, the answer I really want to give is myself? I know that’s probably kinda dumb, but there’s a lot of shit I’ve done and never fully forgiven myself for and I really, really wish I could. That shit, however, is too personal for this post.

WOW i hope i didn’t bring everyone down with that last bit hskjhfdgh

anyways !!as for the people i tagged earlier!

Your questions are:

1: If you had to pick an instrument and a color to describe yourself, what would they be? 2: Describe your favorite outfit and/or what you wore today! 3: What’s the last song you had stuck in your head? 4: Do you have a dream job, and what is it? It doesn’t have to be realistic!
5: What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? 6: Tell the story of the last time you cried from laughter! 7: What’s your favorite superhero / superpower? 8: Do you know that you’re so fucking valid and important? 9: What’s your favorite movie / video game / series of any kind that’s super obscure? 10: Do you have any stories that are actually true, but sound unbelievable? 11: What are your thoughts on birds?


[valvntinass-blog]

me ?? late 2 the party ?? ofc ( it’s also be i’m a complete embarrassment & also wanted to attemPT to write smth worthy of reading ) but hey there, demons. it’s me, ya girl, aka shan aka probably the worst ?? anyway i’m chillin in the gmt timezone probs for the rest of my life bc who has the money to move anywhere else these days ?? i’m 19 w she / her pronouns & spend waY too much time on photoshop & instagram so i’ll probably disappear for hRS just to make smth or go cry over some insta model ?? ummm i watch too many tv shows ( s/o to the og joey tribbiani up there ) & am alsO a huge film buff !! ( kinda mad bc apparently the newest transformers is supposed to be the last one like ?? whY end it like that ?? ) anywaY imma stop rambling bc i’m a rambler & am literallY just gonna copy & paste most of my app bc i’m too lazy to write it all out !!

˚✧* ( CINDY KIMBERLY, FEMALE + SHE/HER ) welcome the exuberant valentina morales. this club’s great for twenty year olds. plus, i hear you’re the skux, huh?that’s interesting, since you’re so manipulative and devious. but i guess it makes some sense given you’re coquettish and alluring as well !

BIOGRAPHY ;

    ❛ congratulations, you’ve had a beautiful baby girl ! ❜

    these are the words that francisco & nadya morales would never forget. for years, the power couple of barcelona had been trying for a daughter, after being blessed with a handsome son, alvaro morales. & then by some miracle they had her. a gorgeous, tiny baby with jet black hair & dark brown eyes. her name ? they called her valentina.

    that girl was a sweet child. she had a smile that could make the wind blow & a laugh so contagious that when other hear it, they had to join in, afraid of missing such an beautiful experience. she lived to make people smile, to see them happy & be the one who makes them happy. she loved to pick roses & to smell flowers, be surrounded by nature & love. she was happy.

    her parents were naturally busy, however. her father, being the owner a well-known &successful business, which had been passed down from generation was always travelling to different places, sometimes taking his family with him. whereas her mother was a model who people loved worldwide, so valentina, so small & young was left in the HANDS of her older brother.

    valentina grew close to him. he was like her best friend, he confident. he helped her with her homework & protected her from anyone who would try to do her harm. he loved her, & she loved him, & whenever all the family was together it was complete bliss to her. she couldn’t think of anything she wanted more than this.

    growing up, it was clear to see that valentina had talent. not only were her features soft& pretty, much like her mother’s, but she had a love for the camera & the camera had a love for her. she wasn’t quite sure what career she wanted, however her mother did. but as a child, growing up in spain & knowing little english, how could you ever do something with that ?

    she did, though. she was taken to small photoshoots at home to kick start her career, &for a relatively shy & timid six year old, this was scary yet oddly exciting. needless to say, valentina loved it. but she loved something else, too. at school, they did plenty of plays &productions which valetina threw herself into. she loved it. she loved acting & singing &dancing, almost as much as she did modelling. then she knew what she wanted to be — she wanted to be a model, but she also wanted to be an actress.

    she was comfortable. she loved her life & wouldn’t change a thing. but then her parents dropped the bomb that they were moving & val felt her dreams shatter into a million pieces. moving to america was hard at first. she barely knew any english & the city was intimidating. but as she lived on & met the tempest, the hellion, & the quixotic, things started to even out & as time when by she was pretty much in the same place she was before she moved.

( TRIGGERS ; CAR ACCIDENT, DEATH )     but then came that night. when the crash happened, her heart broke. she never even got to say goodbye to her brother which just made her hurt more. it made her nights restless ; she couldn’t close her eyes without seeing it so she seeked comfort in other people. she slept around, not really thinking about what people would call her. she needed the distraction, & distracting it was. her parents disagreed but she ignored them. she learned to separate her emotions from her thoughts so she became devious, flirtatious, poisonous. anything to forget about the empty feeling in her chest.

    over the years, val has altered incredibly & now works as model for img models. she goes to college, however recent opportunities have made it so she hardly has time for it any more & so tends to cut class to work on her acting career. she tries her best to work her schedule around her friends as well as her arrangements for the night time. never the same person, is a rule she’s set for herself. she’s scared of attachment & anything that could mess with her feelings. god help everyone if that happens.

PERSONALITY ;

val has two sides to her. there’s the sweet side, which can throw people off when they experience her devil side. she’s been described before as a ’ quiet genius ’, meaning that she can seem all cute & innocent but in the meantime is probably planning your downfall. she’s incredibly destructive, reason being why she doesn’t believe in romance or love so her interest in the tempest is quite confusing &annoying for her. but val can be very possessive & jealous, so if she ever found out about the quixotic’s feelings she’d probably flash a smile but secretly would be thinking of all the ways she can destroy them. even though they’re one of her best friends & val is incredibly loyal, nobody gets in the way of what she wants. val can be very withdrawn, however, which would probably be an issue for the hellionbecause she’d rather be out sleeping with someone than she would talk about her issues.

ENTJ ; as an ENTJ, val is very leader-like. she focuses on the most efficient &organized means of performing a task. this quality, along with ger goal orientation, often makes val superior leader, both realistic & visionary in implementing a long-term plan. val tends to be fiercely independent in her decision making, having a strong will that insulates them against external influence. generally highly competent, val can analyze & structure the world around her in a logical & rational way. due to this straightforward way of thinking, val tends to have the greatest difficulty of all the types in applying subjective considerations & emotional values into the decision-making process. as an ENTJ she often excels in business &other areas that require systems analysis, original thinking, & an economically savvy mind. she is a dynamic & pragmatic problem solvers. she tends to have a high degree of confidence in her own abilities, making her assertive & outspoken. In her dealings with others, she is generally outgoing, charismatic, fair-minded, unaffected by conflict or criticism. however, these qualities can make her appear arrogant, insensitive, & confrontational. she can overwhelm others with her energy& desires to order the world according to her own vision. as a result, she may seem intimidating, hasty, & controlling. she tends to cultivate her personal power. she often ends up taking charge of a situation that seems ( to their mind, at least )to be out of control, or that can otherwise be improved upon & strengthened. she strivea to learn new things, which helps her become a resourceful problem-solver. however, since she relies on provable facts, she may find subjective issues pointless. she appears to take a tough approach to emotional or personal issues,& so can be viewed as aloof & insensitive. in situations requiring feeling & value judgments, she is well served to seek the advice of a trusted feeling type. when striving toward a goal, she often puts personal needs aside until the work is done ( & may expect others to do the same ). for this reason, she may be considered self-sacrificing by some, but ’ cold & heartless ’ by others, especially those who prefer feeling.

HOW VAL FEELS ABOUT BEING A MEMBER OF THE EXUBERANT CLUB ;val is very prideful, so being a member of one of the most affluent clubs in new york really does make her hold her head a little higher. she’s already boastful, but to have this privilege is just as good as winning an oscar to her. she loves the privacy & the inclusivity of the place, meaning that she finds herself feeling very comfortable & rewarded.

HEADCANONS ;

001 ; valentina is more known for her talent in modeling & acting, but what many people don’t know is that val loves to dance. since she was a child, whenever a song came on the radio she would be moving whatever she could in the back-seat of the car & one time, when she & her brother went to the mall her favourite song came through the speakers & she just dropped what she was doing & started dancing. she’s an avid fan of music & so can dance to any song, especially spanish songs because that’s a part of her heritage & they’re generally good for dancing.

002 ; val is a very dedicated vegetarian. she says it’s to aid her diet ( because god-forbid if anyone thought she cared about anything for one second ) but in truth it’s because she’s highkey against animal cruelty & won’t eat something that another creature has died for. to be honest, she has a huge love for animals & is the ambassador of a cause that’s fighting against animal cruelty, & although her reasons are genuine she tells her peers that it’s just for the promotion. yeah, right.

003 ; she absolutely loves roses, specifically white ones. whereas people are forced to believe it’s just because of the aesthetic — after all, everything val does is for the aesthetic — the reason is actually deeper than that. when she was little, her family went to a rose garden & her brother told her to pick her favourite rose. she spotted a pristine white one, the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen & he picked it for her to take home. the rose lasted a good couple of weeks before it died, leaving val feeling devastated. she’s never told anyone that story in fear they’ll see through her cold mask.

004 ; she’s an exquisite baker. before moving to america, she used to visited this bakery on the weekly. her parents were good friends with the bakery owner & so when val wanted to learn how to bake something new, she’d always go there &they’d teach her all their tricks. val likes to bake for her friends her friends on the daily yet claims that it’s just to pass the time rather than a genuine hobby, but if you go to her place you can guarantee that there’s always cookies on the table.

005 ; is still very connected to her life in barcelona. she visits her friends & family there as often as she can & loves indulging in her hispanic lifestyle. although spanish is one of her main languages, she’s fluent in many others & won’t hesitate in using them to her advantage should the opportunity arise. she’s very culturally orientated & still favours her old life, however she claims to love america more than anything & that clouding her emotions is the best thing she ever did.

[ravenvsfox]

your metaphor use straight up punches me in the throat (in a good way) do you have any tips or would you care to describe your process? like where you get inspiration/refining your metaphors? theyre just so lovely and beautiful and i struggle with succinctly forming metaphors that dont drag on for thirteen pages and feel like that meme of 'is nothing easy' where sasuke and the lady knock over cups and laundry detergent

oh my GOD great question and also you’re delightful

Here’s the thing: I really really like to be caught off guard by metaphors (even my own). You know when you’re reading & you realize you’ve got arms full of heartbreak or twitchy anger or heady romantic love and you can’t remember ever having made the choice to pick them up? 

Like the author describes a sweaty hand slipping on a doorknob over and over to explain anxiety or taking fistfuls of the sky and squeezing until it bruises as a spectacular sunset, and you see things you’ve never seen before, through a film of things you have? That’s when a metaphor has landed. 

It’s like meeting someone for the first time, and recognizing them from description alone. The thrill of knowing intimately how something looks on the inside without ever having laid eyes on it.

The main hiccups I see in other people’s writing are that they go too broad or overused i.e: the sky blushed pink, it lulled him to sleep like waves lapping at the shore, I felt anger boil my blood, her bruises were like galaxies, w/e it’s all been done kind of.. to death?

It’s helpful to zero in on really specific feelings; try to find the precise way something makes you feel, and chances are it’ll be both particular to you and available to others, if that makes sense? 

Like rain isn’t just wet or sweet-smelling or overwhelming -- it wants to know you better, it has a temper the same way your temperamental shower-head has a temper, it pelts birds and bugs off course, it holds the heads of flowers under water until they gasp and bloom, it gathers you close and releases you laughing, it warps your glasses into kaleidoscopes, it smells like walking to school when you were eight years old, looking at the puddles and thinking that the reflections of the sky were portals to the clouds

Like.. that’s me, that’s me staring really hard at the rain right now and finding my way to things I’ve ever thought or wondered about it, but it’s also not at all exclusive to me. And go weirder, get a little harder to understand, describe relief as standing in a parking garage with your keys biting into your hands and your heart eating itself whole, realizing that you’re on the wrong level, and your car hasn’t been stolen.

and don’t be afraid to..... leave it at that

the more you explain yourself the more the plot loses drive and coherency

like unfortunately not many people want to sit in a room and listen to someone fumble their way to the heart of a metaphor, which sucks bc I still do that! I want everyone to see exactly what I see, but it’s like firing arrows closer and closer to the bullseye and then finally hitting it after a page full of close calls. And you have to do that, do all the work, but then you yank all those practice arrows out and you’re left with your dead centre.

And some straight up don’t work. I sat and thought about how I could make a silly little metaphor about reflexively jolting forward when you see a green light in an intersection ahead of your own be about social inequality for 10 minutes yesterday, and then I scrapped it. 

(Put the bad ones in a book for later. At some point they’ll be.. not bad.)

So I mean, be fearless with your descriptions, make them personal, and don’t mercy kill the dumb ones until you’re sure they’re suffering. Take lots of inspiration from wherever you can (but don’t copy and paste -- I used to be so tempted by other people’s metaphors, hurricanes of curls and rooftops gilded with sunlight, but they didn’t taste the same coming up as they did going down), write a lot a lot a lot to hone in on your style, just bc mine is drippy with overwrought similes doesn’t mean yours has to be

but also like...... comparing writing to a #prime meme is already a really clear, succinct metaphor lmao 

Also the fact that you think I know shit, and that you’re being so kind about something I worry I’m hammering into your foreheads.. is really. good. absolutely keep writing until 13 good pages becomes 13 perfect words 💕

[transssexualheart]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll

1- what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpaper?my phone has pictures of my friends and my desktop is still dan avidan i keep forgetting to change it

2- have you ever had a crush on a teacher?no

3- what as your last text message?sent? it was “me too”

4- what do you see yourself doing in ten years?probably dying

5- if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?in someone’s arms

6- what was your coolest halloween costume?uhh probably last years even tho it wasn’t that great bc i made it myself and had a styled wig and everything

7- what was your favorite 90s show?i was not alive in the 90s

8- who was your last kiss?still zee

9- have you ever been stood up?no

10- favorite ice cream flavor?strawberry or cotton candy

11- have you ever been to las vegas?no

12- your favorite pair of shoes?probably my pink ones they’re soft and have tiny one inch platforms

13- honestly, have you ever cheated on a significant other?no

14- what is your favorite fruit?watermelon or strawberry

15- have you ever talked to anyone on tumblr that your could see yourself dating/having sex with? if possible?well i mean one of my exes i met over tumblr so it’s not a wild concept to me but currently i’m not like,,, interested in others

16- are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?long term

17- do you smoke? if so, what?no

18- what do you do to get over your anger?rant about it on this blog or sometimes to a friend i guess

19- do you believe in god?idk man

20- does the person you’re in love with know it?yeah

21- favorite position?sleeping

22- what’s your horoscope sign?leo

23- your fears?being abandoned, myself sometimes, everyone secretly hating me, never being loved, etc

24- how many pets do you have? what kind?three, a cat and two fish

25- what never fails to turn you on?uhhhhhh

26- your idea of a perfect first date?idk uh,, get food maybe hold hands a little 

27- what is something most people don’t know about you?idk,, i guess most people don’t know what i look like during a full on breakdown that i’m not trying to disguise

28- what makes you feel the happiest?hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

29- what store do you shop at most often?i dont shop a lot

30- how do you feel about oral? giving and or receiving? never gave or received, both sound good to me tho

31- do you believe in karma?idk

32- are you single?yeah

33- do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize? the best way to apologize is to mean it and not expect forgiveness if you really fucked up and to be genuine and honest and if you do those things it shouldn’t really matter whether you choose flowers or candy

34- are you a good swimmer?i mean,, i won’t drown

35- coffee or tea?tea

36- online shopping or shopping in person?i do both

37- would you rather be older or younger than your current age?i’d prefer to keep my age so i don’t fuck up the timeline of my life thank u very much

38- cats or dogs?how can i choose

39- are you a competitive person?i don’t think so

40- do you believe in aliens?yes

41- do you like dancing?don’t really do it much 

42- what kind of music do you listen to?many kinds, mostly anything but country

43- what is your favorite cartoon character?how can i choose just one

44- where are you from?albany

45- eat at home or eat out?eat out

46- how much more social are you when you’re drunk?i’ve never been drunk

47- what was the last thing you bought for yourself?i don’t remember

48- why do you think your followers follow you?idk actually why do u guys follow me

49- how many hours do you sleep at night?it varies, sometimes like ten sometimes none

50- what worries you most about the future?i pretty much rely on the fact that i’ll probably die before it matters but if i don’t die i’ll have no idea what i’m doing

51- if you had a friend that spoke to you the same way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends?not very, i’m not friends with myself tho so

52- are you happy with yourself?no, never really have been

53- what do you wish you didn’t know?i don’t know

54- what big lesson could people learn from your life?i guess,, not to take people for granted 

55- if you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?what

56- what’s your favorite website?i visit this hellsite most often i guess

57- what’s the habit your proudest of breaking?the only habit i could think of that i broke was biting my nails

58- what was your most recent trip of over 50 miles?idk how many miles i travel bc i don’t drive

59- what’s the best bargain you’ve ever found at a garage sale or thrift store?idk

60- what do you order when you eat chinese food?sweet and sour chicken and white rice 

61- if you had to be names after one of the fifty states what would it be?no

62- if you had to teach a subject to a class, what would it be?alright so there are three things that i feel like i’m able to do well those three things are draw, write, and play pokemon and i’m a failure at everything else i do so probably an art class or creative writing class

63- favorite kind of chips?i like doritos

64- favorite kind of sandwich?grilled cheese

65- which do you use more often, dictionary or thesaurus?dictionary

66- have you ever been stung by a bee?yeah, only once, and i have a history of not fucking eating for whole days and that was one of those days and i guess the sting just triggered the dehydration and all that and i got really dizzy and my legs gave out and my mom had to carry me home

67- what’s your favorite form of exercise?my what now

68- are you afraid of heights?more afraid of what i’d do to myself than the height itself

69- what’s the most memorable class you’ve ever taken?eight grade science, i had a bunch of friends in that class and we hated the teacher at the time and the shit he did and we were constantly like going insane and here’s the main reason: my mom went to school with that teacher and she managed to find a fuckin. story that he wrote in 11th grade and she showed it to me and my god it was so bad and the main character was such a self insert and i was like “oh my god this is amazing” and you know what i fuckin did? u know what i did? i decided to make c o p i e s of the story so i could bring it into school and show my friends. so i had like ten copies and we gave one to my friend kevin however. we gave it to him DURING science class. so instead of doing his work kevin is sitting back there reading this story and laughing at it and the teacher is like “what are you doing kevin?” and kevin, instead of putting it away and being like “my work”, was like “oh i’m reading your 11th grade story” and at this point i’m like “oh fuck” and then the teacher asked where he got it and he points to me and i’m like “OH FUCK” so he comes over and asks where i got it and i’m like “surprise my mom went to school with you” and he’s like “i haven’t seen this story in years” and guess who’s like “DO U WANT A COPY” and reaches over me and into my backpack to pull out a fuckin copied version :^) anyway that day was wild some girl i never talk to who didn’t even know my dead name let alone my actual name came up to me asking for a copy

70- what’s your favorite breakfast?pancakes or waffles

71- do you like guacamole?no

72- have you ever been in a physical fight?no

73- what/who are you thinking about right now?um

74- do you like cuddling?yes

75- are you holding onto something you need to let go of?can we not have this conversation over tumblr’s ask system thanks

76- have you ever experienced one of your biggest fears?i live with myself every day lmao

77- favorite city you’ve been to?nyc!!

78- would you break the law to save a family member?probably

79- talk about an embarrassing moment?me, as a person

80- are there any causes you strongly believe in?idk

81- what’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?not sure

82- fav day of the week?none

83- do you consider yourself sexually open minded?idk what that means

84- how do you feel about porn?i don’t watch it really, but if that’s your thing then it’s your thing

85- which living celebrity would you like to know?idk

86- who was your hottest ex?it’s hard for me to like,, determine that because my sexual attraction to someone usually isn’t there until i start liking them romantically (in most cases, there’s people i never liked romatically but found attractive or people i found attractive before i liked them but that’s not the case with anyone i actually dated) and it disappears when i don’t like them romantically anymore so ???? also rude question especially considering at least two of my exes follow me here

87- do you want/have kids?don’t have them, might have them but that’s dependent on whether or not my partner is able to take care of kids i’m not gonna have kids if i know that my partner can’t be a good parent to them. also still not sure if i want them myself

88- has anyone ever told you that they wanted to marry you?no

89- do you get easily distracted?hell yeah

90- ass or titties?why… choose…..

91- what is your favorite word?to use in writing, probably “gentle”. to use in speech, probably “fuckin”

92- how do you feel about tattoos?i want a lot, i have two

93- do you have any pets?this was already a question?

94- how tall are you? 5′5

95- how old are you?14

96- 3 physical features you get complimented on a lot?i don’t get complimented on specifics, the most i get it usually like “you look nice today” or sometimes ppl say they like my makeup but that’s not a physical feature of mine

97- is there anything you’re really passionate about?i love,, the jims and the piano

98- do you have trust issues?idk, i don’t let most people see me cry or see me having a breakdown and i only really trust a few people with most stuff and it’s usually because there was something that happened in the past that allowed them to already know stuff like that and they were good about it and i was like “oh, then they’ll be alright about it and i don’t have to explain myself to them because they already know” but?????

99- do you believe in love at first sight?god no, what if they’re a dick?? u can’t judge a book by it’s cover. also i think that now i’ll have to know someone pretty well to start liking them because of past and current events

100- what are some words that you live by? why? i don’t have a specific quote or anything but. if you love someone tell them. i’ve said this before, and i don’t mean specifically romantically in fact in some cases you should keep that to yourself so no one is made uncomfortable but like. tell your mom or your best friend or your dad or your grandma that you love them because they could be gone real soon or you could be gone real soon and they should know that you love them before that happens

thank u for asking

[disarmingly]

fanfic asks i’m going to post answers in numerical order as i got some numbers asked twice which is cool but i definitely am the idiot who will lose track if i don’t do it in number order! also i’ll throw it under a read-more bc i tend to get rambly and so it all gets quite long! like seriously i apologize i wanted to give it my all but like i may have written too much >_<;;;

i'm gonna preface with: i was confused by these first two because i thought is this the same question but then figured maybe 3 was ff and 4 is not ff? T_T;;;;

3 [ name three favorite writers ]

the truth is i admire a lot of people and not all of them actually post their work unfortunately. however, xiajin ( @j-ungah)  is one who does, for which i am very grateful. it's easier though for me to say the THINGS i like best i.e. i really admire people who do humor in…how do i say it? ah well it's best for me when it's fluid within other feelings -- like the lightheartedness makes the punches and ups and downs of other aspects of their stories just shine? i am fairly unskilled with lightness/humor and i am repeatedly and eternally in awe of people who weave that facet of the heart into their narratives so believably. ^^;; i also admire what i think of as a seven-sense experience -- which is to say something about a writer whose descriptions dialogues and everything in-between??? create a thing i feel hear smell taste see, yes, but also a thing i dream, i thing i wake up to or from….that kind of suspension of my reality. ^^;;; which just smacks of escapism i know hahakjsfsdlfds OTL but it is what i like! some other part of why i don't have a lot of names rn is that when i'm focusing on writing i don't read as much fic? and on the flipside when i'm not trying to write then i read like everything under the sun thrice over ^^;;; but i've been in writing/trying to write-mode since i posted This Time Around so…yeah!  

4 [ name three authors that were influential to your work and tell why ]

this is really hard! but i left out one writer on my past book rec list so i'll mention him here. john steinbeck! i know that most people/schools/etc tout him for grapes of wrath T_T;;; but like….i tried really hard to like it for a friend who is basically married to that book and i just…couldn't? i tried with of mice and men too but that book is like being beaten up by the written word and no one to patch you up afterward. but. BUT! let. me. tell. you.

east of eden

this book is falling apart like i've read it until it's shreds and i don't wanna give up the copy i have because like…i have so many notes in it? i have dates written down and things i don't remember ever writing or what they reference but getting a new one would be like…idk i can't do it yet. i'll have to soon just bc i carry it around everywhere and i need it but..this book, warrants steinbeck being mentioned in and of itself. if you haven't read it, i cannot rec it enough. like i am not honestly a huge fan of anything outside of fantasy or science fiction but this is my exception. no amount of applauding is going to do it justice. but suffice to say he's got this wickedly good balance of ideas, execution, emotion, and rationale and i just feel so much it is a book that HURTS and yet i kind of…what's it like? it's like if it took me years and years to climb a tree just to see what i can see from the top, then learning to climb back down. sitting under that tree. feeling…like a conversation happened?

T_T i ramble but yeah. john steinbeck's east of eden.

other than that: diana wynne jones, CLAMP (cries forever), cs lewis  

6 [ how did writing change you? ]

before i wrote i drew and i painted, which i find hilarious now because lolololol what IS visual art, it’s hard work and talent hybridized with quality hearts (me: /stares at all my fave fanartists for real) kdsfdsfdlsfjlds but yeah uh writing happened because i loved reading. i thought: these things make me feel less displaced in the universe, if only a little. ah well, more to the point, writing in and of itself changes me in every day life almost to a fault: i think a LOT about what i say, even when i’m perceivably rambling. i over-think it too. writing in every-day life makes even the most awkward cat potato (me) better able to hold a normal conversation, which come to that isn’t the MOST important thing, but it is a thing that changed because before writing i basically stood still and tried to hide in my own shadow (unsuccessfully btw.) now i stand very still, hope no one talks to me, but am able to at least talk back if they do ^^;; 

if this question means how did ff writing change me otherwise...is it stupid to say on several times, writing ff has saved me? is it melodramatic? probably. i think it does though. i’ve said several times i don’t do wonderfully in-person (ability to converse even so) and it’s painfully true. i don’t know that i believe i ever will. i’m in plainest terms, too afraid. ff writing has given me opportunity to connect with people despite my shortcomings in this way though. sometimes someone says they related to a certain thing or they feel content or a familiar sadness but not in a bad way and that is So Much to me. like can you imagine being in complete darkness and seeing a small light in the sky or the ground or the sea suddenly? that’s what those are.

so writing is helping me change, i hope, from someone who has had the growing fear of being lost forever, to being a little less lost, a little less unworthy. to be fair, writing in and of itself for me is often a lost feeling but those sparks of Found are irreplaceable and whether they happen when i write or when someone responds to the writing, i carry them with me to the best of my ability. because they’re precious. because i need them. and i’m grateful. 

writing separate from ff is something i also hope will change me, but i have yet to figure out a way to share that and for now i have a lot of stories on my Intentions to try to actualize, so my side poetry is a sidecar project and that’s okay.

11 [ do you listen to music when writing? ]

yes! in fact i tend to make playlists for my stories when i’m done usually consisting of what i listened to….even if that's a silly thing to do ^^;; i think about sharing them sometimes haha but it’d be linking a bunch of youtube links so idk if that’s dumb sdlkedfsoijlefdjoslk sometimes it’s bangtan and often it’s movie scores i.e. ghibli stuff ....oh and video game osts too!!! a hodgepodge! 

12 [ favorite place to write ]

home because i need as much control over my environment as possible. i honestly don't understand how people can get any writing done outside in the city because it's like one massive attention-deficit lmfdlsfdsfkdsjl but kudos to the people who can…!

13 [ hardest character to write ]

LMFSLKFUOIJWFLSK gosh um…i think for me the way i would phrase this is that the character i am most nervous writing???  yoongi. he features predominantly in my writing because i find his transparency about his journey(s) relatable and something to always be grateful for. unfortunately being relatable presents the ever present pitfall possibility of projecting onto someone, which i don't want to do. even when writing him as a character, i still want him to resonate true to the real deal in as much as possible in the world created or the canon suggested. i want to do right by him, very badly, and for better or worse that means i can almost never enjoy writing him because i'm so worried the whole time. the moment of peace is when i either post or delete, but both leave an uneasy feeling if i'm honest, and perhaps that's always going to be true -- with my favorite people and my favorite ideas i guess.

14 [ easiest character to write ]

like 13 i'm cheating and changing this to the character i'm least anxious writing and that would be namjoon. i love him a lot but for whatever weird reason i'm not having heart palpitations every time i have to write a line of dialogue for him. is it because i've watched and read everything of him the most? not really. i think i've re-visited more kookie things out of all of the ot7, but namjoon has a vibe i get, a wavelength i'm on almost all the time and i can't quite explain it since it's not like i'm talking about a person i personally Know. but what i mean is, i feel like i do? he makes me feel comfortable with him at the colloquial level both verbally and emotionally so i don't overthink him as much as i do say yoongi, jungkook, and hoseok -- all beloved but also sharp points of vulnerability for me.  

17 [ favorite AU to write ]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh….well. the way it's phrased it feels like it means ongoing AU??? which would be time and again drabbles supplementary to This Time Around (the initial oneshot).... (even tho from hereon out everything else will transpire BEFORE the current chapter up lololololol way to be confusing right) but if it just means like what universe, period, huh gosh. all your stars are my stars too au probably.

20 [ favorite character to write ]

i CAN'T pick

21 [ least favorite character to write ]

i don't have one unless you count 'difficult' as leas favorite but that's really not true for me s-so...

22 [ favorite story you’ve ever written ]

?_? ahhh the story closest to my heart?    tie between all your stars are my stars too verse, and this time around verse. haha i keep picking those two but honestly despite being two very different worlds the pulse is actually the same.

23 [ least favorite story you’ve ever written ]

so far away

still disappointed in myself because to this day i don't know what i can do to make it better i just know it could be and it's so specific i just don't look at it anymore. it is by far the one i've revised the most and i'm sure that's weird haha...but it means so much to me...if it was a friend in my past, this story would be the friend i should have done more for, didn’t, couldn’t, and will regret until i can either come up with an answer or just have to square with said regret and say we don’t always get it the way we want it. hm. i admit when i posted it i hoped i’d be less disappointed with myself over time, but apparently not so.

24 [ favorite scene you’ve ever written ]

T_T no idea … do you have one, anon? /waves white flag/ i guess i'm just cheating through all these asks OTL forgive me but i guess a favorite would be any scene that a reader feels connected with them/resonated personally or moved their feelings into a place or shape they didn't expect but are okay having? 

25 [ favorite line you’ve ever written ]

sjflkfesdipokleds /covers face/ im really sorry i just don't…have one…ah...i can’t look too closely...but i always appreciate when readers have favorite lines and copy paste them to me any given time like it’s so nice? ;_; it’s so nice ahhh

26 [ story you’re most proud of ]

since i kinda hard passed the last two with this one huh like i guess if i can qualify this as 'story i consider deleting the least often' that would actually probably be my ONE vmin  fic i wrote so far -- sidereal -- lmfdlskfdsfjdsl sidereal -- and it's not that i think it's especially good but more so that i know/ don't question what i'd change about it because it came together start-to-finish very naturally…and that's funny since i had never written them before.

27 [ best review you ever got ]

listen. every review is the best review T_T seriously every review, every bookmark's notes, every ask….(well as long as it's not mean!) ah is a use of someone else's time they did not have to give me but they did and that? that's huge. fanfic is interesting bc it's a thing done for pleasure but unlike say, fanart, there is no readily apparent way to make it marketable? so i think of those words left as review or ask or whatever… as a manner of wealth, if it makes sense, a currency of kindness motivation/encouragement and hope -- that even if i dislike my writing/ find majority fault within it at the end of the day….. there are people out there who don't dislike it too, which is amazing and a relief.

28 [ worst review you ever got ]

hmmm well tech it wasn't a review but like i have gotten a LOT of asks regarding ... .- ...- . -- . + stardrop that range from disappointment that i wrote/published stardrop at all [i knew it would garner some of this but i have haha had more than i thought] to just flat-out regret for having read any of them in the first place. now, as someone who doesn't see any time in the near future where i'll like my own writing, having someone use the words 'regret reading' are….it's upsetting. i feel silly for how much it gets to me but i'm a weak spiral of a person in many ways, so asks like that send me running to hover over the delete button all the time, not just on that story but every story. but i know LOGICALLY it's just an extreme reaction of mine so i don't follow through but yeah my fight or flight response is very much flight lolololol OTL

as for not that uh probably the smattering of asks that came through when i posted 'follow' …one of which asked why i portrayed jungkook so stalkery (as far as i'm concerned, i didn't. he admires namjoon same as some of us admire our own internet idols or whoever)

32 ... .- ...- . -- .   [ alternate title for (insert story title) ]

IN fact i almost called it 'equilibrium' but while relevant that seemed too vague...

33 ... .- ...- . -- .   [ alternate ending for (insert story title) ]

jungkook wakes up. jungkook wakes up and he's raining, brings his hands to his eyes and can't stop, can't speak, can't anything but rain. jungkook wakes up, curls on his side, and cries cries cries until he falls back asleep.

a moment later, the door to his room slides open. two pairs of eyes worry after him into the dark where they recognize three things: 1. jungkook may never forgive himself; 2. there is nothing either of them can do about it; 3. when the captain named namjoon and the mechanic named yoongi forced jungkook into an escape pod at just the last second, their intention was to save him but the result is not so simple.

with unpredictable caution, taehyung enters the room, jimin's hand at his back, doesn't bother to speak quietly, well-acquainted at this point with how deeply jungkook dreams, how desperately. biting the inside of his cheek, taehyung shakes his head. "what are we gonna do?" after a moment, he glances to his right as jimin brushes past him to draw jungkook's blankets up more securely around him, combs soft fingers through his sweat matted hair and says,

"the best we can."

38 [ do you reread your own stories? ]

other than to proofread? no! i'm still very immature as a writer so the reality is if i go back to read something i have a 99% likely will delete because i see all the flaws and things i want to do better but don't yet have the skill to achieve??? but i know i can't or shouldn't literally wipe everything away Just Because, so…@_@;;;

40 [ which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series ]

time and again drabbles or this time around

46 [ share a scene of a story that you haven’t published yet ]

*

the night of taehyung's sorting, jimin jumps out of his place at the table to go meet him but a hand circles around his wrist, holds him there. when he looks down, he finds taemin, all calculated cat expressiveness that reminds jimin of yoongi except taemin has a contradictory warmth about him. yoongi is cool to the look the touch and everything until you get inside him; then he's warmer, jimin would dare say, than he himself is, but so few people know it it's hardly worth mentioning. he blinks. frowns.

"i'm going to say hi."

"no."

jimin pulls. taemin sighs.

"do you think for a second they won't use him against you."

it's not a question and for good reason. jimin sits down again, quiet. hollow, learns at age twelve about thinking ahead and expecting the worst.

if only to protect the very best.

truth be known, he doesn't mind being a slytherin. it's easy to just say no one is trustworthy than to say everyone is. but the history of his family creates a whole additional spectrum of uncertainty. 'park' is so common a name one would think it wouldn't be so obvious except jimin's family has been in and out of the wizarding world papers for quite some time. try as they might to undo a history that predates them by decades, it's hard -- no, impossible. slytherin is one thing. heir is another. wealth. jimin is twelve but the world is much older and his so-called peers fall somewhere in-between.

anyway.

what he wants: to say hello to his dearest friend.

what he doesn't want: to bring said friend trouble, no more than he already has.

jimin looks over at taehyung, watches as hoseok helps him with his baskets and...swallows.

it hurts.

*

around the middle of the second month taehyung goes missing.

it's yoongi that lets jimin know, which makes jimin feel guilty all over: i should have already known.

"did they say when they last saw him?" he asks, rushing around more than he knows yoongi prefers but yoongi is loyal and yoongi is yoongi; he rushes with him, this way and that.

"hobi says yesterday, supper."

biting his lip until it bleeds, jimin experiences what a person always experiences when he knows this might be all his fault: wrenching self disgust, fear, anxiety that crawls around in the chest and twists around the heart like a curse. but feeling bad won't do anything; feeling bad won't find his best friend (who might not want to be your best friend anymore, his heart whispers and it's cold, it's distant, it's terrifying.) yoongi's hand in the sleeve of his robe jerks jimin to a stop so fast he almost trips, except yoongi holds him up while muttering a spell under his breath, the tip of his wand a sharp tap against jimin's strawberry pin (a thing he wears every day in the knot of his tie.) it lights up briefly, blue.

"if i find him before you, that'll happen."

then yoongi is gone in another direction. it makes sense. the school is offensively massive and jimin has never detested it more in his life.

*

growing up, jimin lived by the sea and taehyung came to visit him every other summer. they collected seashells and named all the fish they happened to find and made castles they planned to live in one day when they were older.

"this one's your room."

holding up a piece of sea glass shining aquamarine, jimin held it over the sun, turned back to face him and said, "then it's yours too."

*

the room of requirement is for any given thing. for taehyung he needs a place to be found and for jimin, he needs to stop losing.

it takes him two days to find the boy whose sleeping patterns he knows by heart, the boy whose dreams felt often like his own dreams when they were much smaller; it takes him two days and seven hours and forty-one minutes. but he finds him.

when he opens the door, it's some god sized gift to have taehyung meet his eyes.

it's a human sized gift to receive a careful smile.

and it's everything else to crush him in his arms and breathe him in and keep him there, everything to say,

"i'm sorry."

"me too." a pause. "those strawberries were for you," and the way taehyung says it isn't a guilt-trip. it's just him being genuinely regretful he couldn't give them to jimin the way he wanted to but this makes it that much sharper.

jimin bursts into tears.

*

that summer they go to taehyung's home and jimin eats every strawberry taehyung offers him, which means he gets fairly sick, but he disguises it as something else as best he can and almost doesn't feel so sick at all anyway when taehyung, wide-brimmed straw hat a halo on his head, laughs a sunrise sound and sings a sunset song. it's very windy during their visit, so jimin lays a charm on taehyung's hat to keep it from flying away.

*

49 [ writing advice ]

1. don’t give up. -- which for me and i guess a lot of people whether it’s art or just life, is truly the hardest. but i am constantly attempting to apply to writing what i try to apply to my livelihood: this idea that the most contemptible thing to do is to surrender. i was thinking about lord of the rings the other day and trying to figure out who i hated the most 8D;;; because my train was stuck and i was viciously trying to not freak out....anyway i kept thinking of denethor...and he’s not you know out and out a villain but he’s just so vile to faramir and on top of that he has clearly given up. he’s got this twisted saccharine doom about him that is somewhat because he’s lost his mind but he lost himself first. 

i know this is a really dramatic mental deviation but it’s what i think about ^^;;; the temptation to give up is constant, it’s not a thing that goes away -- which is why i wrote ‘begin’ to address this idea that sometimes the hardest thing is to start, and then to continue in the face of a trouble that has no permanent cure. the moment you give up you lose you, and of course you lose your art. what’s that cliche??? you can’t get something for nothing. i hope that doesn’t come across condescending or bad. i just know for me i have to yell at myself all the time about it, so that’s why it’s first on the list OTL don’t give up, or in the words of bangtan: no no no not today! ^^

2. i used to believe you couldn’t force writing but i think what the more accurate way for me now is to think: i can’t force Right Writing, like it isn’t necessarily good as i throw it down initially and sometimes that’s as good as it’s going to be until i reach a point in that piece that helps me rebuild/recreate/reword the first parts that i KNEW at the time weren’t very good but couldn’t do more with...like perspective within your own narrative i guess, which can’t be gotten without pushing ahead. 

so for example, i disliked everything i had with call and answer from the beginning to the end but the only way i got it all done was to write something every day a paragraph or two maybe, just to get draft one done. then i could look at it the next day to proof-read, put one part before another part, etc, etc, the things that went into making it something i could bear to post. ah so basically if it comes a little naturally that’s awesome but i know for me the most frustrating thing is not being able to control when that happens or why, and since i still want to write, this was my ‘solution’ so to speak -- write it, don’t delete it, look at it in an hour or the next day but move forward even if you’re not 1000% sure with it. like i know this doesn’t work for everyone but it is what has at the moment, kept me afloat. it’s not fun but for whatever reason, it is a method i have employed time to time. 3. write what YOU want to, not what anyone else wants you to (unless it’s like a request you’re fulfilling which case that’s up to you of course!) but in general like....i think there’s a misconception that to write big you have to write for everyone but you can connect to a lot of people by telling a very specific story -- they may not dive into every part, but if there is even one aspect of a story i feel recognized by (a moment, a turn of phrase, the resolution, the problem, whatever) then that’s often enough for me. it’s like with people, we don’t get every part of each other -- even the best of friends, or lovers or whatnot -- but the parts we do get mean so much. same for me with stories.

4. give better advice than me lmfdslkf omg 

feel free to send other numbers or if i missed one let me know........omg but you probably wouldn’t want to after this huh? lmdsfijfoklfeds ^^;;; wow if you read all that uh....thank you but also i’m sorry ;; lmfdsojklefds T//////T!!!!! <3 ;3;

[followyourtruthandlove]

Saturday, January 20th: Steve Tannen

(The Weepies)

What compelled him to begin in the first place:

1.    Love of music

2.    Wanting to write the music, or needing to write

Leonard Cohen lyric “You don’t really care for music do you?”

Not everyone Loves music

(*** Right, wow. So true. And also…Hallelujah)

Ecstatic moments

Memories connected to music

From those moments came what he was trying to connect with this whole time

Memories- related to music. With music. (**Yes. Yes. **)

Didn’t know option be singer songqriter musician

Bc not seen or given as option growing up

No one tells a kid they can be that

But everything was pointing to it always

(**again yes yes**)

Brothers old 5 string guitar out of tune was how his style came to be

Changing melody bc different voice

Poems to music

Trying to do what other people did that made me feel good, badly (music) that who he was emulating badly  (((Yes. Yes.)))

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pentameter)

(((GOOGLE: “Deb Talan & Steve Tannen began writing together the night they met in 2001 at Club Passim in Cambridge. Their band's name, The Weepies, is inspired by the term used for old movies that are guaranteed to deliver a good cry, an effect that's certainly true of their subtly intoxicating folk-pop (though they're often tears of joy.) “... WOWWOW)))

4 chords from musician living in mom’s basement teaches him and then he realizes he can do in any way he wants

Revelatory (***oh this word right here***)

Collaborating together is trusting someone

Enough to bounce your ideas off of

Self-critical/ together

Good to have someone you trust

Collaborative process

(AH) Bravery it takes to put yourself out there like that

(((Googling Downtime: https://www.417mag.com/calendar/?search=&category=Music#event-listing ))) ((No other “luck”))

((Wait wait maybe American Beauty?))

(((AH had to get through the fear and moment of terror to get to the next step, had to go through that)))

Challenge he and his wife have for each other

Ex. Open thesaurus point to a word choose a near rhyme, that’s your chorus

Ex. Sit at piano while watching Ghandi opening scene with sound off and write

     Edie Carey

(Love that she is doing hers outside)

(Group with AH “Live from New York” ended up being for singer-songwriters)

“Isn’t it funny how that can happen…there’s so many Blanks that have yet to be filled in”

Ani Difranco- That moment – in tears

Realizing she wanted to do this

Gateway artist was Shawn Colvin (saw at 15)

Then always listened to famous people, creating dance routines etc.

Seemed so far away, couldn’t see how to get to where they were

Then when seeing Ani, she was close-up and attainable

Amazing- far from her in terms of skill

But close in proximity- 3 feet a way

Alewaysd loved writing words

If able to work at it, figure out how to play instrument

Can marry singing (always had been a singer) with playing and writing

Was able to see self performing from there

(AH relating – saw WHITNEY HOUSTON ?!?!?! o.m.g. to the unth. Wow. Sync

Thought about how she could never do that)

Felt far like some other creature

(AH saw Indigo Girls liked what they wrote about, liked thinking about what they wrote about in own inner life can help others with their inner life)

Humanness to singer-songwriters

You hear them play this transcendent music

Blows your mind

Followed by humor and/or personal stories (ex. What they had for lunch that day)

Being up close and personal

Close to other human being

Sing magical

Duality

All at the same time

Allows to connect

Care about what those are writing about

(  I  ) can write about things that are meaningful to me

Singer songwriter music lets you in in an intimate way

Sees fearlessness in self as coming from lack of a filter

Cries when hits on Truth even in happy songs

At least at some point

If she doesn’t cry feels like job isn’t done

Cries= knowing that it’s true

(Emo pain can show up in body ex. Sinus infection-psych related)

( AH: Feeling in people are buried songs bring up and out

Can be scary- do I really want to feel this on the way out

Vs. just thinking picking old scab

Tool for healing)

Writing for selves (Freudian slip?) all of my selves

Has to be feeling it truly- whether reliving past or present

Always helpful

Often tend to be pressioned- (sp.)

Songs telling about things that are going to happen that she is not ready to deal with yet

Some direction or decision, the songs know before she does sometimes

(AH- Learns about self and own interiority through writing in a way that can’t be accessed elsewhere. Engaging in music draws it out of you)

Magic component

Music component can be unconscious in so many ways allows for it to be birthed out of you

In ways that can’t be done in convo with friend

“Mary Gauthier says cocktail conversation”

(“Songwriting: proceed with caution “- AH, “may accelerate person growth”)

Get out of the way bc things are happening before we even realize it

If a song is asking to be written you have to write it

Don’t have to play it

Even if for simply for exercise of writing it

Or experience of healing or revelation or whatever is going to come from it

Gets up really early to start day by writing

Quiet with clear mind to write, an accomplishment for the day

Did “Artist’s Way”- manifesting creativity in your life

Morning pages- before you even put your feet on the floor

Like Draino-ing all the stuff in your head

Loss being freeing

Painful but liberating

Ability to move on, move forward.

Advice: Write lots and lots and lots of songs

Even if meh

Keep digging

Just worry about writing great songs

The kind that make you fall apart in the most beautiful day

Work your butt off

Write true songs

Be true and real, can’t go wrong

People will be drawn bc people will see themselves in them

Has a cheese bar. As in puns etc. Vs. a sad bar (limit)

But write it anyway and then edit

Don’t be editor all the time, wants to open the door

Won’t edit words into metaphor

Lets go bc hasn’t tapped into Spiritual, Universal River that all artists swim in

Need to get there, can’t technical his way into it

So goes back to the river

Getting to the river…Writing, doing.

There’s a sense of connection sort of with have a Home life and kids that fills up some of the insane need for connection that fueled his early writing binges

Some of the fire has changed over time into a slower burning flame

(AH Hammering away…economy of language,

When collaborating and giving feedback-

More often they come from subconscious place

But some are conscious

Regrets more conscious choices

Don’t worry about what the world has to say about where you are or how you are doing it

Just do it, you know you have to do it anyway so just do it.

(“Horrible Failure- living on brothers couch, deb at starbucks)

William Carlos Williams greatest poet American ever produced- and it’s bc he wrote everyday

Being with a writer/ partner can’t imagine one who doesn’t do it- write all the time and see things in that way and in their head by being in the world that way- bc they get it they get eachother and eachother’s “zoning out” bc rhyming/writing in their head and/or finding scraps of paper everywhere.

(AH: Hotel New Hampshire get obsessed and stay obsessed. Great place to put obsessive qualities)

Persist in failure, persist in obscurity, persist in success, persist in failure, persist in obsurcity-  Robert Fripp

Arc/art of the artist

Different advice depending on where you are:

If in the

Beginning- don’t be afraid to copy and find out exactly what they did

In singing along you will find your own voice- (who he is sneaks in…sometimes (((yes. Yes.))) )

 Had quit writing, someone he dearly loved came over and told him why a failure because not like Cole porter or Robert Johnson writer…

Told he was too complicated, too wordy, too in love with himself, you think your experience is everybody else’s.

 A lot of people who become actors or artists have someone in them says “oh yeh” where someone told them no …

  (((Gosh I want to be like them. Like that,  Love. How wonderful.)))