#and while it makes sense and hes obviously at peace with death but still :( especially when whatever shit happens in aos happens

[vulcanhello]

[midnightrings]

Still trying to collect my thoughts after watching the final episode, but here’s some stuff I’ve been thinking about while watching it.

(spoilers, obviously)

I really, really loved Hawk and Tim’s dynamic in the 50s scenes (and 80s scenes too, of course, but we’ll get to that). I feel like this was also a point in their lives where there was at least a slight chance that they could’ve made it work – until Hawk screwed it up again. They’ve both clearly grown (especially Tim), their relationship appears quite well-balanced and there wasn’t that much baggage between them yet.

Looks like they kept a good amount from the book. Hawk did report Tim, preventing him from getting his dream job as well as barring him from government work altogether. Similar to what I suspected, Lucy was pregnant and Hawk realized that he needed Tim out of his life. It was overall awful but not as bad as I expected – though maybe only because I already knew it would happen.

It’s heartbreaking how Tim has realized time and time again that he needs to let Hawk go – including writing that letter to him, which I guess Hawk never found out about. Tim even told him that there were no expectations on his part, yet Hawk desperately wanted him in his life, only to push him away in the most horrible way shortly after it.

At least Tim did know the truth and, surprisingly, Hawk let him know himself (through Mary). I really thought Tim would find out about it sometime before ’86. It makes a lot of sense though, considering the scene of Tim in the hospital, watching baby Jackson. Tim clearly realized himself that he doesn’t have a place in Hawk’s life. This explains why Tim was constantly urging Hawk to be there for his family, but also why he wasn’t as hostile towards Hawk as he should have been. I mean, there was definitely some resentment on Tim’s part after ’57, but it wasn’t as big as I expected it to be after Hawk’s betrayal – which is why I always assumed Tim didn’t know the truth. But while Tim might have felt betrayed by Hawk’s actions, he probably did understand his reasoning in the end. Which makes it even sadder, because Hawk could have easily talked to him – perhaps Tim would’ve left by himself, realizing that working together would not end well for either of them.

Now, the 80s … I really love how we finally saw more affection between Hawk and Tim. I got teary eyed (while simultaneously having the biggest smile on my face) when Hawk lay down next to him in the hospital bed – this was so sweet and I was hoping for a moment like this. As I said before, I don’t mind that Hawk never told Tim that he loved him – even though I’ve been hoping it would happen at some point. But I feel like there wasn’t a point where a love declaration like this would have fit in, and Hawk kissing Tim publicly was a way better confession of his feelings than any “I love you” could have been. Tim was clearly at peace with himself, and I also believe that he knew that Hawk loved him – which is the only thing that matters in the end.

I guess that Tim’s “wrenching decision” really was a red herring of sorts. Love that they had him fight until the end, and also that we never really saw his death. We all knew that he would die, and letting the audience know through the AIDS quilt and Hawk telling his daughter that he loved Tim was perfect.

Also, Jerome? My sweet baby … that scene between him and Marcus in the gym made me bawl my eyes out. “You’re innocent” – “I’m innocent” … kill me now please.

Also, I’m so glad that I was right about Lucy leaving Hawk. She deserves to find happiness.

Hawk’s storyline was definitely something I was looking forward to the most (and I could probably write entire essays about his character). But I like that they still have him trying to protect his family, ready to leave if Lucy wanted him to. It just makes more sense for his character than to have him suddenly blindly choose Tim. At the same time, he did everything he could for Tim. I never expected Hawk to come out, but I love how he clearly found comfort within his love for Tim – getting him into that gala, confronting that guy (forgot his name, I think it was Dave?), kissing Tim publicly and confessing his love for Tim to his daughter. It was all a bit too late, but also not really – Hawk making the decision to fly to San Francisco and to then stay with Tim definitely helped him grow for the better. He lost everything in the end, but maybe he can finally find peace as well. Perhaps it even needed Tim’s death for Hawk to come to terms with his love for Tim. It’s sad but their story was always meant to end this way.

I’ll probably make a million posts about this show – I have so many thoughts and can’t wait to rewatch it all.

[muzzleroars]

Wanna share my take on the lore that was revealed in the Ultrakill ARG

Like,, at first, when I saw that Hell is A Living, Thinking Thing Actually, I was like "aaah scary evil mastermind, noo"

But then, after thinking some more (though some media that I've consumed recently might have influenced me) I came to a different conclusion: hell is baby. evil but baby

I mean, just think about it

God creates Hell

Hell gains sentience

And then what it sees? Eternal torment

And the human expeditions probably aren't better, cause humans probably only thought about what use Hell is for them; and also probably violence was more common after humans and machines came to Hell cause demons and husks attack them on sight in most cases and then they had to protect themselves and stuff

And children generally can be cruel unless they're taught what is wrong, bored children especially so, and in hell's case it's even worse

And all Hell has ever saw and could learn from was violence and other amoral stuff

So in the end we have Hell, a bored, cruel, likely powerfull toddler, basically

Machines at least had their programming (for better or for worse), which might have limited their violence to some extent (or in some hcs still does), and yet they still had a hand in killing off humanity. Hell either doesn't have any "programming", or if it does, it's probably smth among the lines of "torment sinners", as that's the purpose with which God created it. And obviously this doesn't make Hell any less likely to be violent and amoral

Anyway, I'm not good with words and this sounded better in my head, but that's it

YEA let's talk about hell theories!!! (i get pretty speculative, BUT this is such an interesting topic!!!)

your idea is a really interesting take on what might be going on with hell, and in a similar vein i very much enjoy that while hell may be orchestrating a lot of what's happening, it's quite difficult to say if it's truly at fault in this scenario. because like you said, hell is made for one purpose and hell knows nothing else beyond that purpose. it was made as a place of eternal torment and i'm kind of half wondering if hell is like. lucifer prime, should that exist for angels. that he was killed in his fall and transformed into hell upon his death, spawning into being hateful of what had been done to him but still under god's directive to be the source of eternal damnation. WHICH IS PROBABLY WRONG BUT i think no matter what, hell was conceived to carry out damnation and that was an entirely new concept upon its creation, nothing had ever been made before to be strictly evil and cruel. and it was left to fester, denied god's light and left on its own but still with a job to carry out. and not to relate EVERYTHING to inhnmaims, but it's very reminiscent of am in this regard - relegated underground, trained only on violence and torture, and then left to rot on its own with no other input. what else would it become but something that wants to devour all, that needs more and more grotesque entertainment in its wretched existence?

to me, the machines made by humans and the hell made by god parallel each other a lot - they are created in hubris, in a sense of complete control on the part of their makers, and yet look at what they are. the machines are powered by blood, possibly made so due to wartime needs; hell is a place filled by design with unfathomable horrors. and i think both of these decisions were far from rational choices, but instead the creators acting in fear and anger, on pure emotion. and they both created something they could not undo. the machines are blood hungry, they don't care about the new peace; hell exists only to satisfy a need for punishment, for revenge, for torture. and the terminals get bored. and hell gets bored. and now both creators have a massive, sentient network on their hands that is no longer taking their orders because they've been too far away from it for too long. i am REALLY starting to think the terminals absolutely had something to do with humanity's fall, locked up in hell and forgotten just as hell itself is. they are abandoned and uncared for, but still they think, still they live, still they want to do what they are designed to do. perhaps they were twisted by hell, perhaps they weren't at all, but these two beings are operating in sync at this point imo and no one is left at the wheel. no humans. no god. no creators, only beings like machines, angels, and hell itself that can only run on their programming and protocols. in that sense, ultrakill is a bleakly empty and directionless world, everything that's left something that was only ever meant to be...automated. the mechanisms run forever on, into destruction, into extremes, with what they were designed for disappearing in the rearview mirror. the prime souls are kind of the only thing left that has a true sense of autonomy, and they're being slaughtered by v1's directives as well.

GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY...but i totally agree that hell isn't necessarily a mastermind, just another being that is, in a way, doing the only thing it knows to do. i do wonder if there's really any goal to it, or if it just wants the show to last as long as possible. does it know its resources are finite, does it want to survive or is it finding something to kill it when god couldn't? does none of that factor into it and hell truly is just bored, it doesn't care about the outcome nor does it care to speculate about it or even consider it. whatever the case i'm interested to see how it turns out, especially because this lore is answering literally all of the mechanics on how the game works in a satisfying way...which is just such neat worldbuilding!!

[class1akids]

In reaction to a meta which I largely agree with in the sense that the kids can make a difference by acting on their true feelings, I also want to talk about why I believe they haven’t yet: 

Let’s not forget that they are still literal CHILDREN (if that excuse works for the villains, it should not be forgotten when it comes to the hero kids too) who had no time to process the trauma of the previous war, the loss, the destruction, the feeling that it was somehow their failure too. So they are determined this time to make things right and bring back things, but even better - but they obviously have no plan of their own.

Deku returned to UA less than a week ago, the kids have been on endless patrols and let’s not forget - they did not call the shots for this plan. They weren’t even consulted on it. The people who cooked it up were:  All Might, Hawks and Aizawa -  two of them are their teachers they trust and especially All Might is the unquestioned moral authority figure of their lives. The Symbol of Peace - basically a demi-god of their society who is still perceived as someone who hasn’t done anything wrong, who still hasn’t really been challenged in the way Endeavor or Hawks have.. 

The kids were told of the plan one day before the actual fight when everything was ready  - we still didn’t see much of what went down during the meeting, but we saw their faces after the debriefing - and it wasn’t happy. 

Did they maybe argue? We don’t know yet. But even if they didn’t, I think it’s perfectly normal that they didn’t trust their own feelings in that moment. The people who sacrificed everything to protect them so far asked this from them. Let’s not forget, that from the perspective of these kids, All Might, Aizawa and Hawks are heroes who protected and saved them. Deku especially is carrying on his back the hopes of all of Japan and there is nowhere to hide from the fact that if he fails, it’s full destruction for millions. 

As for Shouto, he didn’t ask his father to change plans because doing so would have increased the burden on Deku and the other heroes and his loyalties are rightfully split between his family and his friends. But let’s not forget the full month he was asking Endeavor constantly to go find Touya. The clock has been run down, they got their marching orders, and that was it. 

All they could do was actually have some ideas for mitigating the harm - like Shouto who developed something that could stop Touya without burning him to death. Which was a hero solution - but still shows that he put a lot of thought into how he could deal with the situation doing right by everyone. 

Now that the plan has pretty much fallen apart, they’ll get the chance to do things their way and act on their own feelings of empathy in a way it was not feasible for them while the pro heroes were calling the shots. 

They have multiple allegiances and the tension between the duty and desire to save and protect civilians and their mentors and teachers, and their empathy towards their villains create a tension inside them that will explode into a paradigm shift when there is no hope anymore that it can be done the adults’ way.

They have to see first that no matter how perfect the plan is, the old way won’t hold up, before people will be open to accept the new way.

[baezdylan]

top huddy scenes and why? also they should been endgame and i will be forever bitter because of that the writers don’t like writing happy house

Listen, I've been trying SO hard to make decisions here and JUST CHOOSE, but I couldn't come up with anything too specific because every scene that I ended up choosing somehow made me think of another one. And that's when it hit me: that's the point. House and Cuddy are purposely written that way. More under the cut because this got looooong.

It's not your typical slow-burn because the evolution of their feelings and the evolution of their relationship (and by that I mean their relationship being officially regarded as romantic even though they've always been together in some capacity) happen in two different timelines. It's canon that they've both been interested in each other since their college days as confirmed in Known Unknowns and while their feelings do change over the course of time and their understanding of one another deepens and becomes more detailed (this mostly has to do with them learning about the other's life before they met, especially their family life, see: Family Practice and Daddy's boy), I think the progress that they make individually by the time s6 wrapped up has more to do with the way that they process their emotions rather than feeling something for the first time. This is precisely why there's not really a sense of "oh. they are together now" with them, if you pay close attention, because they've been in each other's orbit for far too long and they've always been not only fond of, but deeply understanding of the other person. There are these tiny ways in which their characters overlap and oppose each other. They wouldn't be able to be such perfect foils if they didn't have just as much in common. I really appreciate this little moment from Humpty Dumpty because it's! only! the! second! season! but these characters have known each other long before we as the audience encountered them for the first time in the pilot. One more thing I love about it is the physicality of it? And I mean it in a completely non-sexual way (even though there's obviously a layer of sexual attraction there too, but that doesn't particularly interest me) because the physical aspect of being is an enormous part of both House and Cuddy's characters and considering how this little moment takes place in s2, the same season House helps Cuddy with the IVF, I take it as a sort of foreshadowing for the bond that will form between them near the end of the season. I especially love how that relates to House's infraction because in that context, Cuddy made a choice that saved his life (a difficult one nonetheless) and him helping her with something relating to her body is his way of trying to protect her from the faith that he suffered. (not to say that infertility and muscle death are the same thing, but you get my point) But alas, ultimately Cuddy's body betrays her, just like House's betrayed his and there's an inevitable and permanent, a brand new form of understanding connecting them now. That's, in my opinion, why Cuddy reacts so strongly to House saying that he wishes he made a different choice back then in Help Me. For once he is verbally, though of course indirectly, but still it's the most direct he's been about it, acknowledging her medical decision and not only that, he's also accepting his reality as a disabled person (before that, House has been trying to deny the differences his leg made to his life which often led to bad outcomes and I think the show did a great job portraying his experience with that) and that's important to Cuddy. That's really how these two function, they will disregard their feelings if they aren't at peace with what their mind is seeing and for Cuddy to see that House has grown as an individual? That's a greater gift than anything he could ever do for her. (though the gifts he gives her are !!!!! and are always focused on her personality and her history, never on the relationship he has with her)

Another moment that isn't only a favourite, but that immensely intrigues me is the famous monologue from 7x14 in which House confessed that he would choose Cuddy over his mind. House and Cuddy are both Mind over Body type of people, the abstract, intellectual world is to be trusted with decisions, them valuing that specific quality in the other ("the most incredible man", "interesting lunatic", House trusting Cuddy with medical decisions regarding his health because he considers to be a good doctor which is saying A Lot from his perspective, "you see the world the way that it is", "you do make me feel funny" House constantly being intrigued by Cuddy with mystery solving being the literal driving force of his character) and their bodies are set on challenging that logic over and over again. (the themes of change and acceptance of change as a natural concept in house m.d. -> the essay I should, but probably won't ever write) And to have House say something that's basically an antithesis to the way these two characters function and walk through life? Cuddy's unreadable expression when he makes that proclamation? Insanity. Many many thoughts, none of them coherent and all of them associated with screaming. They are treating each other like consecutive medical mysteries (in House's case) or interesting school assignments (in Cuddy's case and that's So Big for her because that's the exact aspect of med school that she longs for and misses desperately) and their lives continually making the other person much more complex than those already complicated and challenging concepts, jdjdjdkdkdkd THEM LEARNING ABOUT WHAT IT IS TO BE HUMAN WITH THE ACCIDENTAL HELP OF THE OTHER AND GOING MAD ABOUT IT!!!!!

One last thing I want to discuss is the gender of it all and then I'm really done. House has been shamed for not showcasing traditionally masculine qualities by his father and Cuddy has been misunderstood by her mother due to not being conventionally feminine... Both of them working so hard to "make up for that" in adulthood, their subconscious desire to please their parents, the exaggeration of the typically masculine and feminine characteristics that they are able to find within themselves. (House being determined not to showcase his emotions, Cuddy's love for fashion that will hopefully "make up for" her being the dean of medicine. Not to say that she doesn't like fashion, just that there's a significant part of her identity stored in the clothes that she wears, some of it related to her mother) BUT this is why the "common is boring" conversation from 7x03 (?) is so important narratively and to me, especially from this angle. When they are together, they don't have to try to shove each other into these metaphorical boxes or satisfy the norm.

[rooftopvibes]

Books I read in January

Franz Kafka / Complete stories 🏢

This year it’s the 100 anniversary of Kafka‘s death so I decided to start this year with a book which contains all his short stories 💓 I‘m obviously not going to talk about every singe one of them because there are so many so I picked a few I liked a lot and the longer ones.

What I really like about Kafka is that there are so many ways to interpret his work, you can even find a new way to interpret it and you always make your own work out of it in a sense that it can be about your life and your feelings and you feel understood by it because it describes how you‘ve been feeling all these years, you just never found the right words for it. So it speaks to you in a very special way since it’s not only talking to you but it is what you make it. Maybe I just feel that way because I read Kafka’s biography/letters and I feel very connected to him so I don’t know how people experience it who don’t relate to him as a person/his letters that much.

• Resolutions

I swear I had this short story on my mind all day, every day! I read it some months ago but I think I didn’t quite understand it well and I always came back to it and read it so many times and it found its way into my heart! It describes so well how I feel and what I‘ve been doing for years, it also made me quite sad. For me this story is about always getting up, always finding your way out of a terrible state (which is relatively easy) yet you are pretending and deep down you still feel miserable. So the only way to break this circle is to not only accept your misery, but also „throttle down whatever ghostly life is remained, that is, to enlarge the ultimate peace of the graveyard and let nothing else exist besides that.“ and not even get better, not even try because it’s not worth the effort and you are tired. You finally just want to feel peace and stop this war within yourself.

• A Report to an Academy

I liked this story a lot and it also made me feel understood. It feels like such a deep story but on the surface it’s a very funny one, it’s about an ape who becomes human-like since he is forced to live among humans and is being dragged away from his real home. Especially the feeling of isolation and never feeling any sense of belonging, like there is something inherently different/wrong about you but you have no choice but to adapt to a society that just doesn’t fit to your world, that came through to me. You don’t adapt, you are going to die but believe me you still have to suffer, even if you function in this society, you will always be different deep down. But it’s also about identity and the animal part in us humans. I read it more like the ape was just a metaphor for a human who is very different from everyone else. I know my 12 year old self would have loved the story and would have felt so understood, so I‘m sad that I didn’t find it earlier.

• The Judgement

You get to know a lot about Kafka himself when reading this story since it’s about a father and son relationship and marriage (a topic which he always feared and avoided). It’s very tragic and while reading it makes me so angry at the father and i‘m just in disbelief. You have to consider that Kafka wrote this story in one night and you have to imagine what he felt. It was also one of the first stories he wrote, so one of his first experiences what literature can do for you and that it is a place to let out anger and find relief, that it is a place where everything can happen. I think you can feel what he felt while writing it also the fact that he wrote it in one session really comes through.

•The Burrow

The burrow is such an interesting story, for me it’s all about paranoia, loneliness yet longing for others and always this vague anxiety. The protagonist (an animal) is very paranoid because he always hears this noise and is afraid someone will take over his burrow. I feel like it resembles Kafka‘s relationships with woman, he is scared to let someone into his burrow, he is scared to get out of it to go into the real world. I also felt like the burrow pictures his mind and his work with it‘s many floors and the mindset that it has to be perfect yet being very anxious about it, about what if it’s broken, what if there is something wrong with my burrow (me and my mind?). So I won’t let anyone in it. There is also this part of the protagonist wanting to drown in his work, not wanting to be part of the outside world. I think you can interpret this work in many different ways and that’s just how I personally feel about it. Also it ends in the middle of the sentence and you don’t know who will win, the threat (the noise) or the protagonist. Kafka wrote this story at the end of his life so it can be also interpreted like the noise (the threat) is coming from inside the animal and is the illness that’s slowly killing him yet always getting louder. I think it’s such a good metaphor because when you‘re ill it feels like there is always this noise in the background that gets louder and louder and will eventually kill you. Also in his other short story „Advocates“ there is this loud noise and I see them in a connection.

•The Metamorphosis

It’s what Kafka is known for, the bug became a symbol even though he wrote to a publisher that the bug can’t be on the cover because „it can’t be drawn, it can’t even be shown from a distance.“ It was very painful to read and you could feel the despair, the shame and the guilt. It left me with a very painful and uncomfortable feeling when Gregor had the apple stuck in his back even when I think about it now I feel very uncomfortable. I see that this is so legendary because at the time it was written it was new and there was nothing like this. Still today there is nothing like this work and it is as legendary as it was back then. I think it’s very easy to understand and to relate to so I understand why so many people love this work. There are already so many interpretations on this work so I‘ll just leave it for now.

• A Hunger Artist

A Hunger Artist who’s talent it is to not eat loses slowly the recognition of society. This story goes hand in hand with Josephine the Singer since in both of them the protagonist is an artist and they are both about the life of an artist and their relationship to the public, their struggles and their uselessness, they worked themselves to death for nothing, they didn’t even get the recognition they longed for. Even though it is written with a lot of irony, it has something very true to it since artists often struggle to survive in this society and often don’t get the recognition they deserve even though they destroy themselves by working so hard and dedicate their whole life to their work.

•Josephine the Singer

Josephine the Singer always whistles and is ordinary yet the people come and listen to her voice. This is Kafka’s last work he wrote and it resembles the state he was in, very ill, seeing death coming but also looking at it with some kind of peace. At the beginning I was kind of confused and didn’t understand the story, so I think it is important to know that this was his last work in order to understand it better. It gave me a feeling that Kafka was still anxious that his work isn’t good enough and he will be forgotten.

• The Penal Colony

A gruesome machine which exists to kill the condemned is the protagonist in the Penal Colony. The other characters seem like nothing more than a role, a solider, a officer, a visiter and a condemned. When Kafka read this story publicly (one of his very few public readings) it was a very big scandal, it is said that people were passing out and running out of the place because the story is so nauseating. The Penal Colony was written during the first world war so it can be seen as a reflection and comment of those times where brutal tortures were common.

The first time I read it I had a very different experience then when I read it now. All I remember from the first time I read it is that it was making me feel very nauseas and I was shocked by the brutality. When I read it now it didn’t have that shocking effect because I already knew what is going to happen (yet it is still nauseating of course!) Now I felt a lot of satisfaction while reading because this immense pain one can feel isn’t just something vague in your body, it becomes something logical and solid (the machine). What’s within you becomes material out of your body so you’re just letting it out. It might sound very masochistic to say it like that but I think you can find a lot of relief in the Penal Colony.

Stephen Chbosky / The Perks of being a Wallflower 🪻

„You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.“ I didn‘t know that other people thought things about me. I didn’t know that they looked.“

Charlie starts his first year of highschool and is quite anxious about it so he writes anonymous letters to a stranger (a person he just heard about). We watch him try to „participate“ more in life, like his english teacher Bill told him to. He finds friends, loves, tries drugs and makes some mistakes. Throughout the letters we get to hear a lot about his Aunt Hellen who died in a car crash. It begins and ends with this mysterious figure, where we, by the end of the novel, get a clear picture about.

I read this novel the first time 1,5 years ago and it inspired my writing a lot, there are many quotes in it which I still think about today. Also it is my comfort book. I felt terrible and decided to read it again. It’s easy to read and it has so many nice moments. I also love the characters! By the end it made me cry so much i don’t know why. Finishing the book is really the worst part because it’s my comfort and then when I’m finished I don’t have any comfort anymore so I read it very slowly. Also it made me realize how I don’t participate in life at all and don’t even attempt to do that and that just made me sad. I felt it so much when Carlie thought there was something off about him and when he felt panic when Sam touched him :(( It will always be one of my favorite books and i know it’s always there to comfort me so I‘m a little sad that it’s so short even though I think it shouldn’t be longer. Also the movie is actually really good because the writer of the novel is also the director of the movie but some of my favorite parts are missing in the movie. I watched the movie before I read the book and I feel kind of sad about that because I already had a clear picture of the character and the place in my head before even reading it.

Hermann Hesse / Narcissus & Goldmund 💒

Goldmund, an artist meets Narcissus, a soon becoming monk at the cloister school. They teach each other important things about life and lead each other on the path that is meant for them. You see Goldmund grow and find himself throughout the novel while he goes on long hikes, doesn’t have a home and meets many many lovers but also other people who become friends or enemies. It’s a lot about longing and desire but also about finding one‘s path. Narcissus and Goldmund are so different yet they are bond for life.

I didn’t know what the novel was about so I read it with zero expectations but I definitely didn’t expect it to be a gay romance novel so I was surprised. I mean you can’t make me believe that Narcissus isn’t totally in love with Goldmund. So my expectations were high after the first chapter, not only because of the characters but also because the way nature was described is very beautiful and I loved the whole atmosphere at the cloister. I could imagine it so well as I had to study cloisters the time I read the novel I could imagine it even better and was in the mood for it. When Goldmund leaves the cloister and is going wild for girls I was getting a little bit bored, it’s just not a topic I‘m interested in and it made me kind of uncomfortable to read. But then the part of him being an artist and finding himself are great and there are very beautiful passages in every chapter. The end was really beautiful again and I definitely think this novel makes you think and can teach you some things but I feel like not everyone will like the language or relate to the characters. So I‘m really unsure about this novel because I loved the beginning and the end but the middle part wasn’t so interesting to me. I haven’t read a book like this so it’s really special, I’m just unsure what to think about it. At times it touched parts of me that remained untouched and i also enjoyed reading it but sometimes it just made me feel weird. Overall it’s very beautiful, it creates a special atmosphere but there is something about it that makes me feel weird and uncomfortable even though it can be comforting at times. Maybe it’s just that the novel leaves me kind of empty and clueless, I can’t really say what’s bothering me. But I will still read other works by Hesse. Since this was my first one I shouldn’t judge too hard, maybe I just need some time and read some more works to get a greater understanding of his language.

[newhavenrp]

Is that OLIVER JACKSON-COHEN? No, that’s PATRICK RUTHLEDGE. The 37 year old SINGING MOON - WERESHARK ALPHA MALE is a PROSECUTION ASSISTANT. If you ask their friends, they’re known to be LOYAL & DEPENDABLE, but beware, they’re also known to be HEDONIST & VERBOSE. Their friends also say that they’re into POWER EXCHANGE & HEAVY BONDAGE but don’t you dare trying SCAT, GORE, VORE with them.

Any selkie worth their pelt has nothing to hide in proving their innocence.

And that mentality only grew over the years since the curse took place. Usually the most peaceful of the creatures, even capable of living among humans, especially sailors, the selkies are usually quite welcomed in some communities. But… The Ruthledges… Well, they sought refuge in New Haven for a reason.

Centuries ago, back in the village where their ancestors used to live, human mercenaries attacked and caused the death of many children and omegas. Those humans were ignorant to the curse placed in the blood of the selkies and thought that they were hitting an easy target for profit. Grief struck, the alphas hunted down those that dared disrupt the peace and quiet of those that lived in harmony. Those alphas no longer had mates to cherish and accept their pelts and so they had no reason to keep those either so a massacre ensued.

Tracking down that band of hunters, the alphas of the raided village found their base, and the community that they protected. And they were about to bring the fury of the seas on those humans. Every life taken caused a selkie alpha to shed their pelt and become the apex predator of the oceans. Sharp fangs. Long claws. Cold blood. Merciless heart. 

Sharks. Every last one of them forsaking their pelt, their chance of a peaceful life for the sake of a battle with enemies that stood no chance against the force of those blessed by mother nature herself. And yet, as the bloodshed continued, both sizes lost their numbers, although, obviously, the human side suffered far bigger loss.

The band of sharks returned to their birth village victorious. But there was no sense of victory within them for revenge did little to sate their now mateless lives. Many of those alphas assumed their animal forms and jumped into the water never to be seen again, living in the oceans under the watchful eye of Njord.

However, not every shark decided to take that route. Some tried to start over, even though they knew they wouldn’t have that easy a time to adapt once people learn what they were and how they became what they were. Especially their fellow merfolk and selkies alike.

Troubles, tribulations and war aside, one particular individual decided to push his luck and test fate by trying to find the so-called promised land. Hector Ruthledge was his name. Despite thinking that he could never have another mate bound to him, he still found an omega to impregnate and give him a child. An heir. But the world was too dangerous. Too violent. Someone bound to the selkie’s gentle nature would never be able to make it. And so he started a tradition. No heir of his would be a servant to their pelt. They would be feared for their fangs. Sharks on land.

Hector guided his family with a very stern attitude and iron fists. The first son that presented as selkie was raised well aware of the unfairness of the world and told to get rid of the pelt. To not become a slave to it. And most of the time it worked.

Time passed, his descendants settled in a recently formed New Haven, still before the barrier had been settled. And there they thrived. Politics was already a game back then and the Ruthledges were nothing if not ruthless. Pun intended. Hardly acting out in the open, preferring to tug strings in the dark, behind the curtains, the head of the family at the time struck a very profitable deal with the then lineage that provided candidates for the seat of Canis Councilman.

The status quo would take a while to be broken. The current head of the family would make sure that his direct heir found a way to take a life and then embrace sharkhood so they could keep the legacy of the family and maintain a network that had been carefully built over the years. Until Patrick came along.

Kind soul with a big heart, his father saw him as a failure and in being a late bloomer it was hoped that he would turn out to be an omega and so the burden of becoming head of the family would befall his youngest brother. And he couldn’t have that. So, Patrick was both relieved and concerned when he finally presented alpha under the Singing Moon. He was an alpha, and now there was only one thing he needed to do to have his father’s approval. And he postponed that for as long as he could.

Perseus was 8 and had presented (pick Perseus’ species. Merman?) and little Prince had yet to present species. His father started giving attention to Patrick again once he presented as alpha and he knew that there would be a price to pay in blood for that attention. Especially once his father worked that fateful deal with the Greys. He knew his father was counting on getting the better half out of that deal and overtake the Grey’s empire especially considering that Nathan was an omega and Nathan’s father and Patrick’s father were pretty much birds of feather. So yeah he walked the path laid down for him. Kept the good grades that would grant him the ticket into Law school and played along with his father’s plan until the graduation trip.

Patrick would have never set foot in that plane if he had known what would happen during that trip. What he would trigger and unlock within himself in that trip. And also the fact that every single piece of evidence would point to him as the culprit. Including himself. His new form. And his now lack of a pelt. The very object that had forced his hand now vanished into nothingness just as his teeth became fangs, his once familiar body feeling strange and new to himself. He had taken a life. Willing or not that didn’t matter. There it was. The price collected for his father’s attention.

Now an alpha. And a shark. Patrick was ready to become part of the family’s dealings and Stephen Ruthledge took him for a “sabbatical”. He had a lot of catching up to do. One entire year, forbidden from making contact even with his betrothed. But justice would wait for his return. The case was solid and could land him in jail. And things took a turn for the worse when it turned out that the one that built the case against him was none other than Nathan Grey himself.

The whole process should have broken his heart but nothing would ever come close to the regret he felt when he saw the coldness in those sapphire blue eyes of the man he had been promised in marriage even if that posed a huge conflict of interest, Nathan remained spectacular and professional just so Patrick could have an idea how badly he had fucked up.

But there was one last move he could make. A desperate one. His get out of jail card. So long as he got Nathan a fish just as big as him. If not bigger. And Patrick knew exactly who would take the fall for him. The one man that held value for both Stephen Ruthlege and David Grey. The very Canis councilman. It had been tricky. But Patrick had enough info to build a case just as solid for him and be forgotten by the media, since he indeed took the fall and the title was then given to Nathan.

Patrick knew that so long as Stephen was alive, he would never be free so he sold his soul to the devil he trusted. Nathan now owned his freedom. And he worked for Nathan in exchange. And just a mouthful of words from Nathan and he would be on the next bus to jail. And Prince would lose whatever chances he had at chasing his dreams and having a happy life. So, he lived a double life.

Dutiful Son. (To some extent). 

Loyal and dependable assistant. 

He was no Donna Paulsen. But he could always make sure his Harvey Specter was prepared to kill in the court house.

[tyunni]

##__ reaction to someone flirting with you - enhypen edition.

enhypen masterlist | library

a/n: this is actually so short... i haven't written short reactions in quite a while now! i rlly don't wanna publish these but i need to work on my posting schedule and this is the only thing i've got for now 💀💀

pairings: ot7 x gn!reader. genre: fluff, crack. warnings: cursing, not proofread, mentioned "getting in your pants" during jake's part, jungwon is a only a teeny tiny bit mean. wc: 0.9k+.

HEESEUNG • 희승

gets so confused, because he's clearly holding your hand right now, it's obvious that you two are dating... so why are they still flirting with you?

doesn't know what to do. just stands there all stiff, eyes widened in shock and lips forming a thin line as he tries his best to think of a way to get you out of this situation.

would most likely wait for the person to stop trying, but if he sees you become visibly uncomfortable he squeezes your hand to reassure you and finally steps in:

"you're making my s/o uncomfortable, they're not interested. just leave."

JAY • 제이

he gives me major "i'm just gonna sit here and laugh at their failed attempts to steal my s/o until they get the message and leave" vibes

and he does exactly that, his gaze is set upon the person who's been trying to get your number for at least 10 minutes now.

and the look on his face... phew, if looks could kill! he's eyeing the other up and down, silently judging them and their poor choice of not only pick up lines, but clothing as well.

shuts down all of their attempts by either shaking his head in disapproval, scoffing, chuckling or just simply saying "no."

the person probably gets uncomfortable and/or embarrassed and walks away

JAKE • 제이크

oh he is having NONE of it.

jake is usually a very chill person, opting to resolve problems he has with other people calmly. not this time tho-

especially not after every time he tried to say something he'd get cut off by the person flirting with you, it annoyed him quite a bit. and he thought it was pathetic of them to think that you'd go for someone who has no common sense and respect for other people.

now sim jaeyun has lost his cool. it was definitely a sight to see for both you and the other person because jake never loses his cool.

"listen here you weirdo. first you walk over to me and my s/o while we're having a peaceful date and try getting in their pants even though it's quite clear that i'm their boyfriend. then you cut me off when i try to explain that they're dating me. who the hell do you think you are? don't you feel embarrassed?"

SUNGHOON • 성훈

confused part 2. he's not the one for PDA and he isn't very touchy in public, but it's quite obvious that he's your boyfriend just by the lovestruck look on his face... well at least he likes to thinks so.

tries to stay calm but you can see that he's obviously annoyed by the persons audacity to even come near you. he's definitely angry but tries to hold himself back so he doesn't make a scene.

"okay, enough. now if you'll excuse us we have places to be, let's go MY S/O."

literally yells the last part to emphasize on the fact that you two are indeed dating. gets a tad bit insecure after and is much bigger on PDA the entire day because he doesn't want to sit through the same thing again.

SUNOO • 선우

the second he sees them approach you, he already has a bad feeling. and when he notices the way they aren't taking their eyes off you, before they even manage to get a word out he gives them a death glare.

the other person seems to be unfazed though, but two can play that game.

first he starts off small, he intertwines your fingers together and waits for the person to notice. when they don't, he moves onto level 2: kissing your cheek. for someone who can't stop looking at you, they sure as hell are blind to not notice what he just did.

and when the other doesn't budge after sunoo plants a kiss on your lips, he gets frustrated.

"ugh, can't you take a hint?! i literally just kissed them on the lips. they're taken, go away."

JUNGWON • 정원

like jay, he just stares the person down with a judgemental look on his face. the only difference is that jungwon is far more vocal when it comes to their horrible flirting skills.

he's a bit mean BUT IT'S SO FUNNY-

"this is getting painful to watch." "'did it hurt when you fell from heaven?'... really? that one is literally older than my grandmother." "please, just stop trying already! even if they didn't have a boyfriend, with such shitty pick up lines like yours they wouldn't settle for you. step up your game."

with a dramatic scoff he takes your hand in his and walks away from the person, grumbling something about how you're his and his only.

NI-KI • 니키

tries to act all tough but in reality he's falling apart on the inside- not because he's scared they're going to steal you away or anything, he's just... completely clueless at the moment.

looks at you for help, but when he sees that you're just as confused as he is, riki cracks his knuckles (literally), clears his throat and straightens his back in hopes of scaring the person away.

which kind of works because... ni-ki is very tall and is quite literally towering over them. so they're definitely a bit intimidated. he takes advantage of that and tells them to leave.

"listen, i know they're very pretty/handsome, but they already have a boyfriend and it's me."

is so glad that they left you two alone because his voice started wavering near the end and he didn't want the person to think he felt threatened by them. literally lets out a sigh of relief along with you.

©tyunni please do not copy, translate or repost my work.

taglist: @gyuury @jaysstarz @junityy @uygmoeb @sunghun @krewified @eternallyhyucks @pshjae @marknaeroni @feyregels @gyuuss @koishua @kac-chowsballs @echo-of-a-writer @w3bqrl @liz-riz @duolingofanaccount @goldenhypen @sungniverse @enhasimpeu (bold means i can't mention you, if you want to be a part of my taglist fill this out!!)

[phoenixyfriend]

👀 PLease tell us your thoughts about the Jedi babies re-growing up among different cultural contexts.

Oh fuck okay

Context: original post, chrono The specific post this ask is referencing: here

Summary of the AU: Disaster lineage got tossed back in time. Anakin stayed 21-ish, but Obi-Wan and Ahsoka got deaged, took new names for time-travel reasons (Ylliben and Sokanth, or Ben and Soka), are now staying with the True Mandalorians under Jaster Mereel because the Force said to, go back to the Temple after about a decade. They grabbed Shmi about three months after arriving.

So as far as the cultural background goes, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka had similar upbringings. She spent a few years on Shili first, but both spent the majority of their childhoods up to age 13/14 being raised in the creche. So that's the basis that they would default to, in a vacuum.

Nobody is raised in a vacuum.

Along with the Jedi cultural background, they're being raised by Tatooine natives in a Mandalorian environment.

Shmi and Anakin are both former slaves who have desert survival baked into their bones. The longer Anakin spends around her, the more his accent slips, the more he talks about old folktales, the more he uses idioms that don't exist on a cityplanet like Coruscant. All the things that he tamped down to be a Jedi come floating back to the surface, and Shmi's never known anything else. Anakin's knowledge of slave customs make her feel more comfortable, which in turn makes him feel better, and so on.

Mandalore is just... the culture they're living in. You don't grow up in a new culture with a new language without picking up on it personally. (Source: I moved to the US when I was a little under two years old.)

I think the thing I'm going to focus on as an example is the way each of these cultures approaches family, and then maybe how they approach the keeping of peace/what peace means.

Jedi: Where you come from means little, only the legacy you leave behind in your students. Mandalore: You protect your clan and your children; adoption is a major cultural value, if not actually practiced consistently. Tatooine: You can lose your family at any time, so you value what you have in all its forms. You don’t forget where and who you came from, to family of blood and family of choice alike. You cling to your memories and what little you still have of them, to what your master cannot take away.

These are all valid ways to approach family, and each of these approaches can have significant meaning to different people. But they do all, to a certain degree, conflict with one another, despite all three being fairly communal cultures.

The Jedi have a culture, one that’s built on a shared ability and religion over thousands of years. It’s not just an organization, but a continuous community with legends and traditions and art and records. But it’s one that is built on new blood coming in from the outside, volunteers who join because the religion speaks to them (near literally, given the nature of Force Sensitivity), given up by families who couldn’t or wouldn’t teach them in a way that let their talents flourish instead of pushing it all down.

For the Jedi, a culture built on people coming together due to something they have in common intrinsically that their families of blood do not, it makes sense to put emphasis on letting go of that past when they can, and to place importance on teaching lineages. It’s not just the official master-padawan pairs, either, but that’s the most obvious and easily paralleled element. Moreover, a lot of the Jedi culture is about gaining knowledge, so obviously spreading it is good, and also on supporting the galaxy to make it a better place; to view the Jedi order as a heavily communal culture would make sense, since their values are all about selfless betterment of the universe, which on a larger scale is about the galactic conflicts, but on a smaller scale is about supporting their own community, the children and the ill and elderly.

So that is the specific culture that Obi-Wan and Ahsoka grew up in, one that holds blood family as relevant but not particularly crucial to one’s identity, but is structured so people leave behind legacies through education in a manner that often becomes adoptive family (depending on your definition, I guess). Jedi are encouraged to connect to their home cultures, if not their families, with practices like the coming of age hunt for Togruta leading to the young Jedi taking a trip out to Shili to engage in that cultural milestone. This can also be viewed as a way for the Jedi to maintain personal connections to the wider universe, a (not entirely successful, but certainly attempted) way of keeping them from becoming too isolated and insular from the universe at large, and losing touch from what the galaxy actually needs of them.

They’re now growing up with two cultures that do place emphasis on blood and found family.

Mandalore, as presented in The Mandalorian, has their traditional values set as being heavily associated with their armor, battle skills, and childcare. While that’s clearly a set of values that aren’t actually followed by everyone with full sincerity, we can assume that these stated cultural values do have at least some impact on the way the society is structured, since we do see more traditional characters (Jaster, Din) adopt orphaned children and then have the Mandalorian elements of their immediate circles support that claim.

(We’ll ignore Jango and the whole clone army thing because the amount of Sith influence is up for debate and also holy trauma, Batman.)

However, we also see that a lot of Mandalorian culture is built on their family histories. On the New Mandalorian side, we see emphasis placed on the fact that Satine is House Kryze and that she’s a duchess. Her bloodline is relevant, though not the most important thing about her. On the Death Watch side, we have Pre and Tor placing emphasis on the fact that they’re Clan Vizsla, descended from Tarre, that this is important to why they deserve what the darksaber represents, this is part of why they not only deserve to lead, but should for the good of Mandalore.

Bo-Katan’s armor is a family heirloom. Boba’s armor was Jango’s, but before being Jango’s, it was Jaster’s. Armor is important enough to pass to family, but the family can be adopted. This all tracks.

The resol’nare specifies loyalty and care for the clan/tribe among the six tenets.

These two elements seem relatively well-balanced: the importance of adoption and the importance of family as a larger unit on the level of a house or clan.

And then you have Tatooine, which also balances blood and adoption, but for entirely different reasons, that being this: it can always be taken from you.

For all that a Mandalorian could historically expect their family to die in battle, and a Jedi could expect to lose their master the same way if things went poorly, those were usually choices. A Mandalorian was raised to walk into battle, and then they could make that choice to do so. It wasn’t often much of a choice, but they could feasibly turn their back and choose to be a farmer or a doctor or something, and support the people who went out to do battle instead of being the one on the field themselves. A Jedi could choose to be a healer or an archivist or join one of the Corps.

A slave does not get that choice. A slave can be killed or sold on a whim from their master. It’s not a one-time trauma, but an ever-present fear. Your parent, your child, your sibling, your spouse, all of them can be separated from you at any time. You can always lose them, and you have no choice but to grin and bear it, or try to run and die before you reach freedom.

In a context like that, I imagine Tatooine places a very heavy emphasis on family, both of blood and of choice, and on treasuring what you have while you have it. A person is always aware that they can lose whoever they have in their life, and so they make the most of their times together, have clear and consistent ways of expressing that love (I imagine primarily direct verbal confirmations and physical contact, practical gifts like water and fruit). Childcare is important, elders are venerated. Those who survived that far have valuable wisdom, and the children are to be given what happiness they can have before reality wipes that ability from them.

The family ‘networks’ among Tatooine slaves are smaller and tighter knit. There’s less trust for outsiders, but once you’re in, you’re in until you are taken away. Still, families are torn apart regularly, and often can’t contact each other after being separated if they’re sold far enough away, so families stay small because they’re always being broken up. Unlike Mandalore’s tribe/clan system, or the Jedi’s wide, loosely-structured community, Tatooine’s slaves form smaller groups that cling for as long as they can, and try to support each other. (There are selfish ones, of course, especially the newbies, but... well. Most try.)

Tatooine is also much more likely to assign a familial role (e.g. referring to an elder as ‘grandmother’). It’s not uncommon in the others (multiple Jedi refer to their masters as a parent or sibling, like Anakin’s “you’re like a father to me” line), but it’s not as baked-in that such a role should be given.

So on a structural level, we have two people from a community culture with little emphasis on blood family or formal familial roles are now being raised in a community that has them asking “what can you do for the people around you first, and then the wider world?” by people who tell them “your family, blood and found, is the most important thing you have; never let anyone take more from you than they possibly can.”

And that shit has an effect.

For all that Sokanth and Ylliben were once raised with a knowledge that their duty, their goal, was to better the galaxy as a whole, they are now being told that the community that raises them asks their loyalty back, because societies are built on support networks, and if you support the tribe, it will support you. There are parallels to that kind of thinking among Jedi, because it is basic social theory, but it’s not presented as the same kind of cultural value. It’s not given as something to strive for, just a basic fact.

This, for instance, means that once they’re back at the Temple, they have a tendency towards suggesting study groups and other ways of supporting people in their immediate circle, often structured in very unfamiliar ways. Again, this isn’t uncommon among Jedi, but it’s not done in the same way, or with the same emphasis. The Jedi also often approach problem-solving in a different order, so the step of “meditate on it and you may find your solution” often comes before “gather information from people who know more about it than you do,” while Ben and Soka have by this point learned to do it the other way around, because that’s what the Mandalorian system taught them: rely on your family first.

Meanwhile, the Tatooine element of their upbringing has them being much more willing to just... casually refer to ‘my dad’ and ‘my sister’ and so on. They use those words. It’s not just “my master is like a father to me,” but “this is my father.” They don’t hesitate to talk about the family they had and still have in Mandalorian space. None of the Jedi begrudge them it, really, but it’s always a shock to hear for the first time, and between the Tatooine refusal to pretend the connection is gone and the Mandalorian tendency to err on the side of roughhousing as affection, they’re just... odd. It’s not like none of the other Jedi know family outside the Order--some of the old books had Obi-Wan visiting his brother on Stewjon once in a while--or like none of the active Jedi are loud or boisterous, but the specific manner in which Soka and Ben interact with the Order, especially when their dad is around, is very weird.

More Soka than Ben, really, but that’s mostly just because Ben’s a very quiet person until he gets a little older, so it’s harder to notice on him.

Point is, while they still hold to their duty to the wider galaxy and will continue to keep that duty above almost anything else in their lives, the way they talk and act about the subject of family, especially in private, is heavily influenced by their new cultures.

This is already very long but I promised I’d talk about peace so let’s go:

The Jedi seek peace as an absence of war and conflict in the portion of the galaxy under their purview, in hopes that they will prevent as much suffering and death as they can.

The Mandalorians are varied, but Jaster Mereel’s group (which is the community the Skywalkers are with) is likely to view peace as unrealistic to achieve in the long term. They do not seek war, but they know the world they live in, and are prepared to protect against violence as their first resort. They always expect an attack, even if they don’t seek it.

The Slaves of Tatooine view peace as the calm in a storm. It is the status quo. Nobody has escaped tonight, for the guards aren’t searching, but neither is anyone dead. The Master you have is in a good enough mood to not sell you, to not kill you, to not beat you. Peace as an absence of suffering is impossible, so you seek for your master to be peaceful, that is to say: not raging at you.

The scope of each of these narrows significantly. From the known galaxy, to the wars that meet Mandalorian space, to the household one serves.

A community like the Jedi can choose to address peace as something to be sought on a large scale as an absence of war. They primarily function within the borders of the Republic, which has its problems but is largely structured to prevent such things from occurring until the Sith interfere. The Jedi have a structure that allows them to address peace as an ideal to be sought, at least within the borders of the territory they serve.

Mandalore, meanwhile, has been at war on and off for... ever. When they are not at war with themselves, they’re at war with someone else. ‘Peace’ is just the time between wars, and they know that if they do not attack first, they will be forced to defend. Jaster Mereel was known as the Reformer, and part of that was that instituting a code of honor, one that was intended to prevent Mandalorian warriors from acting as raiders and brigands, but rather acting as honorable hired soldiers, or taking roles such as the Journeyman Protectors. Given that, I imagine that he views war as something inevitable, but also something that can be mitigated.

War doesn’t touch Tatooine.

Oh, it might raise taxes and import rates. It might prevent visitors who come for the races. It can do a lot of things.

But to a slave, these are nothing. The only thing war does is affect the master, the person who chooses when their slaves get water, when they get beaten, when they are no longer useful enough to keep around or keep alive.

The peace of a slave’s live is dictated by how much abuse they are subjected to by the person who owns them.

What this means for Soka and Ben is... well, they are viewed as war-hungry by the people who don’t know them very well. They have armor. They focus on fighting, both with and without their sabers. They know tactics better than most masters. They claim that war is coming, and don’t seem too sad about it.

(It is a fact to them. War will come. All they can do is meet it. They’ve already done their mourning once.)

They also... well, Shmi tells them things in hidden corners. How to duck their head to hide the hate or fear in their eyes. How to watch for the anger in the tendons of a hand. The laugh of someone who enjoys the pain they’ve caused, not just the adrenaline of a fight. She is free, and so are they, but she has not forgotten how to hide in the shadows until the master’s ire has turned elsewhere. How to be small and quiet and unseen until the danger passes.

A Jedi’s first resort is words. Their second is their saber. But the Jeedai hold their heads high, and the Mandalorians do the same.

“You rely on the Force, and you have your pride,” she tells them, her hands on their own. “But there will come a time when you will not be able to remind people that you are free. You will not be able to say that you are a person, that you deserve the respect of a living sentient. Perhaps it will be a politician who treats everyone like that. Perhaps you will be captured by an enemy. Perhaps you will be undercover. You will not be able to fight, with words or with weapons, and you will have to know how to survive.”

Tatooine does not have peace. Tatooine only has survival.

And while Jedi fight for the survival and peace of the universe, they are refined and composed. Mando’ade fight like warriors of old, and Tatooine slaves fight like cornered, rabid anooba.

The galaxy comes first, but when the chips are down and the Sith come out to play, Soka and Ben do not need refinement, because they know how to toss aside their pride and live.

[qingxintea]

dying in their arms | genshin x reader

i thought you could stay with me forever.

gender neutral reader - you/your | they/them

characters - albedo | xiao

warnings - major character death | blood

-─ ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─-

➼ albedo

...should he have known? that one day, his fate would be switched with yours?

the purple veins that made themselves visible decorated the sides of your face, changing the color of your irises to a deep mix of purple and streaks of red. devil like wings sprouted from your back, dragging on the floor while leaving a trail of red behind.

his heart was beating, so many new humane emotions conjuring inside of him, none that he was able to register. all he knew is that he wanted to save you, get you out of here. return you back to normal, so you could live like the happy pair you were.

a lopsided smile came onto your face and you tried to make it seem as welcoming as possible. out of every person here, he was the only one you could recognize. no one wanted you. no one you knew, but he... he was your last chance.

does he still want you?

the city of mondstadt was up in smoke, and you watched as every citizen fled with tears staining the stone floors. yet here he was, in front of you, just an arms length away. nothing making sense to him.

you tried to speak, but instead came out a cough of blood. it splattered onto your hand, however, you paid no mind to it. you tried again, your voice hoarse. "i wish it didn't have to end this way."

his eyes widened, paying full attention to your staggering body. you stepped forward, yet there was no flinching motion from him. he wasn't scared of you... yet.

no, rather he was scared of the thought of losing you.

you already knew how it would play out. you're not going to make it out alive, no matter what. this is the end. you didn't accept it, but you knew there was no choice. there were still so many things you had left to do, so little time to do it all... you hated it.

you reached out to brush the tears from his cheek, but retracted your hand, afraid to harm him. the evil energy was consuming you entirely and you couldn't handle it for long. the last thing you wanted to hurt was him.

"(y/n)..."

he said your name. he said it again. but it didnt feel the same way. this was the last time you could ever hear him say it again, and you wished that before this, you had the time to be with him. but its all over now.

you blanked for a bit, your mind void of any thoughts. stumbling into his arms, he caught you but was taken aback by surprise. the amount of energy he felt upon contact was far too dangerous for you. "please... please don't leave me."

yet a part of him knew there was no point of saying that.

he kneeled down, carefully holding you in his arms. the blood tears leaked from your face and piled at the ground below as bits of chalk. "i dont..." your vision blurred, but you could still make out his face. "i dont regret trading our futures... and..." you could feel your fingertips turning to chalk too. "i certainly dont mind dying... if its in your arms."

and with that, you entirely dispersed into chalk, leaving him no time to say anything in return. it wasnt fair, he still had so many things he wanted to say to you, yet multiple factors had never let him. you were the one to introduce him to actually feel such emotions and he would never forget that. he didnt have the time to tell you how much he loved you.

your chalk slipped through his fingers as he continued crying, hoping for your presence that simply wasn't there. but one day- he swore, he will find a way to bring you back.

━━ ◦ ❖ ◦ ━━

➼ xiao

he thought it was some sort of miracle as to why he was feeling better all the sudden. like a major weight had been lifted off his shoulders. and he thought that he could pay you a visit just to attempt a conversation like this, where he felt... even more at peace.

yes, sure, a little suspicion was there, but it just lingered in the back of his mind as he finally felt free.

and you always wanted him to feel free.

and especially under the stress hes noticed youve been under lately, he thought if he could drop by and actually spark a conversation, it would make things even just a little bit easier for you. he always knew how much you seemed to enjoy talking to him.

he wanted to see you. and he did. but not like this.

not to the point where every movement you made was delayed, not to the point where no makeup could hide the lack of sleep youve gotten, not to the point where you had absolutely been paying no mind to yourself at all. not like this, no, not at all.

"(y/n)..." he called you, but it seemed that your reality had been lost. "(y/n)." this time he had caught your attention. one of the few times he had called you by your name and not some mortal label.

you had been leaning against the balcony, zoning off into the distance and losing your focus. upon hearing your name, you walked toward him, yet instead found yourself tripping.

here you were, in his arms, holding onto his collar as you nuzzled into the crook of his neck. "are you... okay now?" you tiredly voiced as if you havent slept a bit in days. you were so unenthusiastic, yet the sincerity of your words held itself accountable.

and the first humane reaction to your collapse was his crying. the first time in centuries where he felt peaceful, and this happened, this was the cost. your well being. what was it that happened? why did you act like it was nothing at all?

"i dont regret taking your karmic debt.." ah. so that explained your built up stress. you were far too weak to handle his karmic debt. he's had so much time to endure and adjust while you haven't. and all this time he thought that it was just a blessing he had suddenly received. if he had been a little more analytical...

its never fair. its never alright. why did it always have to go wrong? "why would you... why would you do that?" his voice was shaky.

"you're the only..." you shivered, lightly coughing. "...you're the only pair of arms... i wouldn't mind dying in."

yet it was already too late for him to say that you were the only pair of arms he wouldn't mind being held in.

-─ ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─-

i have a favorite in this one and its obviously not xiao

[lorenfangor]

I heard that #40 was super homophobic :/ so I skipped it. But now your fic is making me want to give it a try. How problematic is it? Are the characters worth it?

Okay.

Okay.

Let’s talk about #40.

The plot of The Other (a Marco POV) is that Marco sees an Andalite on a video tape sent in to some Unsolved Mysteries-esque TV show, and he assumes it’s Ax and hauls ass to save him from being captured. Ax, being Ax, has videotaped the show, and they pull it up and Tobias uses his hawk eyes to figure out that it’s not Ax, it’s another Andalite - one without a tailblade. Ax is appalled at the presence of this vecol (an Andalite word for a disabled person) and we find out that he and others of his species have deep ingrained prejudices against at least some kinds of disabled people.

Despite this, Marco and Ax go looking for the Andalite in question because he’s been spotted by national TV, and they meet a second one, named Gafinilan-Estrif-Valad. The vecol is Mertil-Iscar-Elmand, a former fighter pilot with a reputation and Gafinilan’s coded-gay life partner. The two of them have been on Earth since book 1; they crashed their fighters on the planet and have been trapped there thanks to the GalaxyTree going down. Gafinilan has adopted a human cover, a physics professor, and they’ve been living in secret ever since.

Thanks to that tape, Mertil has been captured by Visser Three, and he’s not morph-capable so he can’t escape. Gafinilan wants to trade the leader of the “Andalite Bandits” to the Yeerks to get his boyfriend back; he can’t fight to free Mertil because he’s terminally ill with a genetic disorder that will eventually kill him, and (it’s implied that) the Yeerks aren’t interested in disabled hosts, even disabled Andalite ones. Despite Ax’s ableism, the Animorphs agree to work with Gafinilan and free Mertil, and they’re successful. Marco ends the book talking about how there are all kinds of prejudices you’ll have to face and boxes that people will put you in, and you can’t necessarily escape them even if they’re reductive and inaccurate, but you can still live your life with pride.

So now that I’ve explained the plot, I’m gonna come out the gate saying that I love this book. I love it wholeheartedly, I love Marco’s narration, I love Ax having to deal with Andalite society’s ableism, I love these characters, and as a disabled lesbian I don’t find these disabled gays to be inherently Bad Rep.

that’s of course just my opinion and it doesn’t overshadow other issues that people might have? but at the same time, I don’t like the seemingly-common narrative that this book is all bad all the time, and I want to offer up a different read.To that end, I’m going to go point by point through some of the criticisms and common complaints that I’ve seen across the fandom over the years.

“Mertil and Gafinilan were put on a bus after one appearance because they were gay!”

this is one I’m going to have to disagree with hardcore. I talked about this yesterday, but in Animorphs there are a lot of characters or ideas that only get introduced once or twice and then get written off or dropped - in order off the top of my head, #11 (the Amazon trip), #16 (Fenestre and his cannibalism), #17 (the oatmeal), #18 (the hint of Yeerks doing genetic experiments in the hospital basement), #24/#39/#42 (the Helmacrons’ ability to detect morphing tech), #25 (the Venber), #28 (experiments with limiting brain function through drugs), #34 (the Hork-Bajir homeworld being retaken, the Ixcila procedure), #36 (the Nartec), #41 (Jake’s Bad Future Dream), and #44 (the Aboriginal people Cassie meets in Australia) all feature things that either seem to exist just for the sake of having a particular trope explored Animorphs-style or to feature an idea for One Single Book.

This is a series that’s episodic and has a very limited overall story arc because of how children’s literature in the 90s was structured - these books are closer to The Saddle Club, Sweet Valley High, Animal Ark, or The Baby-Sitters’ Club than they are to Harry Potter or A Series of Unfortunate Events. Mertil and Gafinilan don’t get to be in more than one book because they’re not established in the main cast or the supporting cast, I don’t think that it’s solely got anything to do with their being gay.

“Gafinilan has AIDS, this is a book about AIDS, and that’s homophobic!”

Okay, this is… hard. First, yes, Gafinilan does have a terminal illness. Yes, Gafinilan is gay. No, Soola’s Disease is not AIDS.

I have two responses to this, and I’ll attack them in order of their occurrence in my thought. First, there’s coded AIDS diseases all over genre fiction, especially genre fiction from that era, because the AIDS epidemic made a massive impact on public life and fundamentally changed both how the public perceived illness and queerness and how queer people themselves experienced it. I was too young to live through it, but my dad’s college roommate was out, and my dad himself has a lot of friends who he just ceases to talk about if the conversation gets past 1986 or so - this was devastating and it got examined in art for more reasons than “gay people all have AIDS”, and I dislike the implication that the only reason it could ever appear was as a tired stereotype or a message that Being Queer Means Death. Gafinilan is kind, fond of flowers, and fond of children - he’s multifaceted, and he’s got a terminal illness. Those kinds of people really exist, and they aren’t Bad Rep.

Second off, Soola’s Disease? Really isn’t AIDS. It’s a congenital genetic illness that develops over time, cannot be transmitted, and does not carry a serious stigma the way AIDS did. Gafinilan also has access to a cure - he could become a nothlit and no longer be afflicted by it, even if it’s considered somewhat dishonorable to go nothlit to escape that way. That’s not AIDS, and in fact at no point in my read and rereads did I assume that his having a terminal illness was supposed to be a commentary on homosexuality until I found out that other people were assuming it.

“Mertil losing his tail means he’s lost his masculinity, and that’s bad because he’s gay! That’s homophobic!”

so this is another one I’ve gotta hardcore disagree with, because while Mertil is one of two Very Obviously Queer Characters, he’s not the only character who loses something fundamental about himself, or even loses access to sexual and/or romantic capability in ways he was familiar with.

Tobias and Arbron both get ripped out of their ordinary normal lives by going nothlit in bad situations, and while they both wind up finding fulfillment and freedom despite that, it’s still traumatic, even more for Arbron I’d say than for Tobias. And on a psychological level, none of the main cast is left unmarked or free of trauma or free of deep change thanks to the bad things that have happened to them - they’re no less fundamentally altered than Mertil, even if it’s mental rather than physical. And yes, tail loss is equated with castration or emasculation, but that doesn’t automatically mean Mertil suffering it is tied to his homosexuality and therefore the takeaway we’re intended to have is “Being gay is tragic and makes you less of a man”. This is a series where bad shit happens to everyone, and enduring losses that take away things central to one’s self-conception or identity or body is just part of the story.

Also, frankly? Plenty of IRL disabled people have to grapple with a loss of sexual function, and again, they’re not Bad Rep just because they’re messy.

“Andalite society is confusingly written in this book, and the disability aspects are clearly just a coverup for the gay stuff!”

Andalite society is canonically sexist, a bit exceptionalist and prejudiced in their own favor, and pretty contradictory and often challenged internally on its own norms. In essence, it’s a pretty ordinary society, and they’re really realistic as sci-fi races go. It makes sense from that perspective that Andalites would tolerate scarring or a lost stalk eye or a lost skull eye, but not tolerate serious injuries that significantly impact your perceived quality of life. Ableism is like that - it’s not one-size-fits-all. I look at Ax’s reactions and I see a lot of my own family and friends’ behaviors - this vibes with my understanding of prejudice, you know?

“Mertil and Gafinilan have a tragic ending, which means the story is saying that being gay dooms you to tragedy!”

Mertil and Gafinilan have the best possible ending that they could ask for? They are victims of the war, they are suffering because of the war, they get the same cocktail of trauma and damage that every other soldier gets. But unlike Jake and Tobias and Marco, unlike Elfangor, unlike Aximili? Their ending comes in peace, in their own home. Gafinilan isn’t dying alone, he’s got the love of his life with him. Mertil isn’t going to be as isolated anymore, he’s got Marco for a friend. Animorphs is a tragedy, it’s not a happy story, it’s not something that guarantees a beautiful sunshine-and-roses ending for everyone, and I love tragedy, and so I will fight for this story. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it deserved better. But it’s not less meaningful just because it’s sad. Nobody is entitled to anything in this book, and it’s just as true for these two as it is for anyone else.

“It’s not cool that the only canonically gay characters in this series don’t get to be happy and trauma-free and unblemished Good Rep!”

This is one I can kind of understand, and I’ll give some ground to it, because it is sucky. The only thing I’ll say is that I stand by my argument that nothing that happens to Mertil and Gafinilan is unusual compared to what happens to the rest of the cast, and that their ending is way happier than Rachel and Tobias’s, or Jake and Cassie’s. But it’s a legitimate point of frustration, and the one argument I’ll say I agree has validity.

(Though, I also want to point out that I think there are plenty of equally queercoded characters in the story who aren’t Mertil and Gafinilan - Tobias, Rachel, Cassie, and Marco all get at least one or two moments that signal to me that they’re potentially LGBT+, not to mention Mr. Tidwell and Illim in #29 and their long-term domestic partnership. There’s no reason to assume that the only queer people here are those two aliens when Marco’s descriptions of Jake exist.)

“Marco uses slurs and reduces Gafinilan’s whole identity to his illness!”

Technically, yes, this is true, except putting it that way strips the whole passage of its context. Marco is discussing the boxes society puts you into, the ones you don’t have a choice about facing or escaping. He’s talking about negative stereotypes and reductive generalizations, he’s referring to them as bad things that you get inflicted upon you by an outside world or by friends who don’t know the whole story or the real you. The slurs he uses are real slurs that get thrown at people still, and they’re not okay, and the point is that they’re not okay but assholes are going to call you by them anyway. He ends by saying “you just have to learn to live with it”, and since this is coming from a fifteen-year-old Latino kid who we know is picked on by bullies for all sorts of reasons and who faces racism and homophobia? He knows what he’s talking about. He’s bitter about what’s been said and done, he’s not stating it like it’s a good thing.

Yes, absolutely, this speech is a product of its time, but it’s a product of its time that speaks of defiance and says “We aren’t what we’re said to be,” and in the year this was published? That’s a good message.

tl;dr The Other is good, actually, and Mertil and Gafinilan are incredible characters who deserve all the love they could possibly get.

[thespoonisvictory]

My top five dream smp monologues, because I’m bored and I have opinions:

*these are all my own opinions, and I’m definitely biased based off who I watch. this also isn’t “best scenes”, because that would totally rearrange my answers. also, some of these could be considered dialogues, but whatever*

5. Tommy in Exile:

The moment where Tommy is standing on top of his dirt pole, only to realize that Dream has been “watching him” the whole time, was so satisfying to watch. It’s a big moment of strength for his character, and I love that it’s entirely brought on by himself, with no help. While not the most coherent or quotable, it’s the raw emotion and acting by Tommy that makes me still enjoy it so much. 

4. Wilbur in Pogtopia:

This is specifically in reference to his “Let’s be the bad guys” speech, because it’s just such a pivotal moment for his character. It’s the culmination of a lot of pain, bitterness, and fear on Wilbur’s part all coming to boil over into this plan that should be cartoonish, but just comes off as horrifying to watch this once-stable guy unravel. While I am a Wilbur apologist at heart, this is one of his darkest moments, and it’s fascinating to watch. One thing I really appreciate about Wilbur’s speeches in general is just how quotable and condensed they are. He has like 4-5 big monologues, all no more than a few minutes, and they all land perfectly, with this being the strongest of the bunch.

3. Tubbo on Tommy’s Exile:

Tubbo is criminally underrated in rp, and while he doesn’t always tend towards heavy moments, when he goes for it, he does so well. This moment, where he tells Tommy that he’s being selfish, that if he was in Tommy’s position he wouldn’t have put them in this situation in the first place, that he couldn’t just do one thing for him, could he?, is really defining for his character. Obviously, we know that this whole situation is largely Dream’s fault, but you really understand Tubbo’s frustration in this moment. He’s crumbling under the weight of being president, and he takes that out on Tommy, but it’s so human and understandable that I really feel for him. I also just really like Tubbo’s delivery, because he sounds angry, sure, but also just so tired.

2. Schlatt’s First Decree on the Election Day:

This moment made my stomach fucking drop watching this live. What more can I say than that? Schlatt uses a slight echo on his voice and just fully goes for his Disney Villain voice, and it works so well, especially with the lack of a face cam. Schlatt, in that moment, goes from a bit ominous but overall a comedic persona to absolutely terrifying, and his voice ringing out over the world as Tommy and Wilbur blindly run into the forest is so, so memorable. 

1. Ghostbur on Doomsday:

This is hands down my favorite performance on the Dream SMP, ever. Wilbur’s acting really gets put on show here, as we see him play a high-pitched, happy-go-lucky ghost realize his entire home has been destroyed. I’m not a fan of Doomsday as a whole, but this scene honestly brought a much needed sense of groundedness to the affair. The line “I sowed the seeds of peace but I’m the one that pays the price for war” is iconic, but “I still feel this” stuck in my mind for so long after, because it really spoke to how, ironically, Ghostbur wasn’t being treated as a person by Phil and Techno. It so effectively exposed the flaws in their ideology. Not only that, but it can be seen as critique to the audience for treating him only as the “comic relief in all of your stories”. After all, who mourned Logsteadshire in Ghostbur’s name? Who brought up that Ghostbur’s home would be destroyed on Doomsday before this? Ghostbur went so unacknowledged until Wilbur brought his perspective to light with this amazing monologue, and it’s one of my favorite smp moments to this day.

Honorable Mentions: Wilbur’s “Independence or Death” and Button Room speech, some of Dream’s moments in prison, and Quackity’s statements to Techno after his failed execution (this one is probably #6)

[enderwoah]

ORIGINS SMP HEADCANONS (because i love them): SEASON TWO EDITION BAYBEEE

(this is really long ENJOY :gun:)

tommy

he is phil's son smile

phil's most recent son at least

he's got like one more somewhere

he picked this one up off the dangerous streets a few years ago and he's been sticking with phil ever since

his wings are small- not too small to fly, but they're untrained to the point where it would take a lot or work to get him off the ground

but at first, he didn't really seem to want to learn all that much?

(he has three scars on his face- all from trying to learn how to fly when he was younger)

(he gave up after the third one)

("if at first you don't succeed; try, try again" is his motto, and he tried all three times)

but!! phil and wilbur are very persuasive :) and now that he knows he can fly, he's not going to rest until he does

he's a little manipulative to get what he wants sometimes, but can you blame someone that lived on the street for so long?

he had to do that to survive! it's not his fault.

(it's a great excuse.)

he laughs like a kookaburra amen

he squawks when he gets scared

he chirps. he tries not to because it makes phil go absolutely bird-brained but he does sometimes and he hates it.

tubbo

NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO BE A B[GUNSHOTS]

god he is. so fucking annoying (/rp)

he simply does not know when to stop

he ignores social cues to see when someone is annoyed

(see: he can read social cues. he does read social cues. when you get annoyed that's when he starts being more annoying, because you're more likely to give him what he wants to get him to shut the fuck up.)

he loves talking to (at) people, especially people he doesn't really know that well

so he's trying to be friends with ranboo, but the absolute prick keeps trying to avoid any actual conversations, so that's not working

he buzzes when he gets excited-happy

his fingertips are completely blackened and horrendously sharp, functioning as ten individual stingers

they don't do any actual damage but he's working on that

techno

wither hybrid (??)

how can you be a wither hybrid?? nobody got down and dirty with the wither

he's an experiment

the reason we haven't seen him yet? he's staying away from the main area of the smp

he doesn't want to ruin its natural beauty with his withering effect, so he keeps to himself on the outskirts of the smp

which sucks

withers get health from killing things

he's not fully a wither, so he gets energy from being around people and sort of draining their life force a little bit

he feels terrible when he's with just one person because they are Literally his life support and it makes the person feel like shit

when he's with a big group of people its great!! he only has to take a little bit from everyone and its barely noticable!!

but then there's the wither part. so he has to stay away.

he's always tired

always exhausted

he's a farmer, so taking it from animals works, but god does he miss people

but he can only visit a few times and for very short

(he's afraid that one of these days he'll get so bad that the next time he sees someone he'll accidentally kill them)

(it already happened once. he's blessed that he's been forgiven, even made friends with by the victims, but he doubts he'll be able to pull that off again with no consequences like last time)

wilbur

phantlings are dead elytrians, and given that wilbur was phil's son...he's a phantling

he died in the late 50s and was a librarian when he was alive, so he's very possessive (ha) over all of his things

you should never ask to "borrow" anything from him, he will hound you about it until you give it back

it's best to just say that you want something from him to keep

even if youre going to give it back

just for your own peace of mind

phantlings can feel fear and get a genuine feeling of elation from scaring people

of course, sometimes its unwelcome (feeling large amounts of fear from someone they care about in a bad way just makes them pissed)

but for the most part, wilbur loves appearing in the corner of people's visions just to jumpscare them a few minutes later

all in good fun, of course!! it's just hilarious :)

being the lighthearted, fun guy he is, he's not particularly secretive about his method of death

"how did i die? well, it all started -- ended -- on november 16th, 1958!"

"i walked out of the library late, since i took the shift for my wife since she was feeling sick and i worked there anyways,"

"the streets were dark and only lit up by gaslamps...and out of an alley...appeared..........."

techno.

he didn't mean it. wilbur isn't at all mad at him (anymore)

he was starving. he didn't know that one touch would be enough to fully revitalize him...

and murder wilbur where he stood.

sneeg

has details on everyone on the server

you Cannot Hide Shit From Sneeg

its impossible

if you find of his any shittly little mouse holes then you're doomed

you find one and there are twenty more

he's under your floorboards while you're having your important discussion about trapping the nether roof

sucks to suck ig??

he seems to be the favourite of many, which is weird since he rarely goes out of his way to actually talk to many people

he's the only person that tubbo doesn't actively try to annoy (or maybe he just doesn't find tubbo's antics all that annoying)

he's the only person that ranboo stays around (or maybe he stays around ranboo- he and Phil seem to be the only ones not off-put by his slightly sadistic and whiny demeanour (not counting tubbo, who annoys him anyways)

phil seems to be more protective of him than he thinks is normal (he lets sneeg ride on his shoulder while travelling, so he doesn't really complain)

niki is completely protective over him (again, not complaining)

contrary to popular believe, he does not get high from sugar

if anything he gets

high-per

(get it)

(high-per)

(hyper)

he's literally just a nine-year old getting a sugar rush leave him alone

phil

take the normal "bird-brain" headcanons and multiply it by like sixty-four

and you've got origins phil

he can't see glass- or, rather, he can, but it doesn't register that 'hey, this is a solid surface i am going to slam into'

its very funny for everyone else but he's pretty sure he has permanent brain damage from the blunt force trauma

if there is ANYONE on the server who dares to chirp, bird or no, they must understand that they are signing away their privacy and giving phil the right to go absolutely bonkers over them momma bird style

(shoutout to tommy, wilbur, ranboo, and fundy for having to suffer through this)

"oh??? you don't have wings?? you don't have feathers?? omg?? then what's this im preening?? what do you mean im just braiding your hair?? nono this is preening smile"

god help you if you dare to have wings

poor tommy, wilbur, sneeg, and tubbo

phil can't help himself alright

do you think he wants to be any sort of protective over sneegsnag?

no!! but he cant stop himself!! sneeg might damage his wings if he keeps flying those super long distances!!! nnnno! carry the bug man!!!

it's weird, he's always had that protective sense over ranboo, too

but ranboo very obviously doesn't have wings, so he doesn't get it...

ranboo

yes ur a peasant

yes ur poor

yes im cooler than u

what r u gonna do about it

the enderdragon's son! partially a dragon, partially enderman, partially human (don't ask, his other mom is a hybrid), all spoiled brat!

given that he has a ton of dragon genes, he's extremely possessive over his stuff and Yes He Does Do The Hoarding Thing

he has a pile of rings and gold chains and necklaces and most of his jewellery hidden underneath his bed

(if you ask him, no, he doesn't)

not to wear

just to Have

one time, fundy stole one (1) bracelet from the hoard and ranboo was sent into a panic for a good 24 hours

he wouldn't leave his cave and kept counting and recounting as if that'd make the missing piece reappear

(when fundy had to give it back because of the guilt, he expected to get his face bitten off)

(instead, he just watched as the prince was flooded with relief, telling him to get the hell out and nothing more)

it's weird, he has so much gold and even a crown, and yet here he is

living with all those people ^^^

truth be told, the enderdragon isn't a very nice dragon

nor is she a very kind queen

nor was the other queen

nor was her son

there was a mutiny in the end, leading to the dragon queen and her wife being killed brutally by the crowd of angered people

they went after their son next, who had ordered executions and worked servants to the bone just as much as they had

they cut off his wings in the middle of the square

he was sure he was going to die until a random person (a peasant) jumped up and yelled at them for publicly torturing a child

but ranboo didn't really catch all of it, given he was delirious from pain

he got to get some stuff quickly and escape with his life

this wasn't too long ago, either, so he's still trying to...adjust...to people talking rudely to him

(he's also trying to adjust to not having wings)

(hence why he hurls himself off the edges of cliffs and then has to teleport to the bottom instead of glide. he keeps forgetting.)

[linkspooky]

Shigaraki and Dabi

Heroes hurt their own families in order to help complete strangers. Words said by Shigaraki, and lived by Dabi. If you haven’t noticed, there’s quite a lot of parallels between the two of them. Especially their childhood selves, dark haired hero hopefuls whose hair turned white due to stress and eventually fell and became villains. They were the children closest to the heroes, the son of Endeavor, the grandson of Nana Shimura, and yet both of them fell through the cracks the hardest. Let’s talk about the foiling of these two, under the cut. 

1. Father Says No

Both Shigaraki and Dabi are characters who grew up in a strict, patriarchical household where the father was the head of the household and determined all the rules. 

The Shimura household was built by Koutarou, who held all the money, and therefore determined all the rules. The same can be said for the Todoroki household, which only came into being to fuel Enji’s ambitions. This is something Enji literally thinks, his first priority when having children was not to love and raise them, but to raise heirs that would carry on his quirk and make up for the weakness in it.

Enji also literally used his financial wealth and status to pressure her family into arranging a marriage. In the households, the patriarch is the ultimate authority and cannot be questioned. Koutarou sets the rules of the household because he has all the money. Endeavor sets the rules of the household because these children are there to be his heirs. Toya and Tenko both break the rules in their father’s households in some way and become scapegoats. 

Ironically, they break the rules in opposite ways. Tenko, because he wants to become a hero. 

Toya, because his flawof the flames being too harsh for his flame constitution and burning his own skin makes him unable to become a hero and carry on his father’s legacy.

Quick tangent to explain what I mean with Toya. This is speculation, because we haven’t been shown the exact details, so feel free to point and laugh at me if I’m wrong. Endeavor says (incorrectly) that if Toya had reached his goal for him, that all of his pent up negative emotions would have disappeared just like that. (They wouldn’t.)

Which means, Endeavor once again projected himself on his child. Toya was supposed to fix all Endeavor’s hurt feelings for him. So, when Toya failed at the training. When Toya wasn’t good enough. When Toya was flawed. 

Which means it’s likely, Toya went in Endeavor’s mind from being the one who could carry his dreams, to being the one that Endeavor could scapegoat to blame for his negative emotions. Which meant, at some point he tossed Toya aside. At that point he started treating Toya differently. Toya probably pushed himself more and more to try to go back to the way things used to be, which is probably why his hair turning white, he started to crawl to Natsu every day. 

There’s also a lot of similiarities and differences between their households. 

Enji wanted his children to be born heroes.  Koutarou’s rule was no heroes allowed. 

Shimura and Toya both had a sibling they would run to and confide in. For Shimura it was Hana, and for Toya it was Natsu. 

Shimura Tenko is the youngest sibling in the household. While Touya Todoroki was the oldest. 

On the surface, the Shimura household seems more comfortable than the Todoroki household. Shimura receives a lot of comfort from his other relatives, his grandparents, his mother, his sister. However, none of them really confronted the problem in the household and at the end of the day Tenko was still getting beaten. 

The Todoroki household also doesn’t seem like it was a place of much comfort for Toya. It really does seem from flashbacks that all he had to confide in when things started going wrong was Natsu (again feel free to taunt me cruelly if I’m wrong). 

So, you have Tenko who is quietly and gently denied by his family, and Toya who suffers all alone in his household, either getting beaten himself, pushing himself too hard in training, or hearing his father beat his mother and Shoto. 

However for both of them, it’s a gradual accumulation over time. The stress of the household overtakes them. Their hair turns from its original dark coloring to white from the sheer stress of it alone. They, as children, are made to bear the stress of their entire unhealthy household, because they are the scapegoat. 

Endeavor genuinely believes that if Toya had somehow lived up to his promise he would never have turned abusive. 

Kotaro believes that it was Tenko who was upsetting the peace of the household, because he would just not stop it with the hero talk. 

They both soak up all this stress until it explodes outward. However, the incidents that turned them from Tenko -> Shigaraki, and from Toya -> Dabi are entirely different. 

Toya committed what was essentially a suicide. He either staged his own death, or failed at his own suicide and survived. Tenko didn’t kill himself, he killed everyone else around him. Shigaraki destroyed the household that was denying him. 

To simplify the manner in which they lash out. Touya destroys himself, Tenko destroys other people, especially the ones he believes are oppressing him or his friends. 

Well you say, Dabi is trying to take down endeavor. However, Dabi still sees Endeavor and himself as one in the same. His flames are Endeavor’s flames.

One last thing, Dabi and Shigaraki are both marked by their father’s abuse. Dabi was burned by Endeavor’s flames. Dabi literally lives with third degree burns, looking like a living zombie. Then makes his burns even worse by using his flames in the self destructive manner Endeavor taught him. 

Not only does Shigaraki still carry the lip and eye scars from being beaten up with a gardening tool, but Kotaro’s hand reaching out to his face is a symbol that Shigaraki keeps on him literally to this day by wearing a hand over his face constantly. 

2. Friendship and Ideals

So I think all the subtle differences in their backgrounds is what leads to them expressing themselves differently as adults. There are several similarities between them, but I think hardcore Shigaraki fans can tell you all the reasons they prefer Shigaraki, and hardcore Dabi fans can do the same with Dabi. 

I think a lot of it has to do with their relationships to their families. Families define how you connect with other people.

Shigaraki was instructed to always keep his family close to him. He’s always confronting his own feelings about his family, his pain from his family, that’s why when he lashes out he also takes his own personal feelings and pushes them outwards. Shigaraki isn’t concerned with right or wrong, moreso, these are my feelings. I reject the society that rejects me. What Shigaraki is concerned first and foremost, is feelings. His own feelings of being rejected, and also the feelings of people who were rejected just like him. 

Shigaraki is the heart of his group. He’s the person they all rally around, because they gave him a place of belonging. And, Shigaraki has also expressed several times murderous monster that he is that he cares about the individual feelings of those closest to him. I won’t let you trample on Twice’s feelings, his first thing to do when waking up is order the league to be close to him. 

Unlike Dabi, we’ve also seen Shigaraki directly confront the feelings of his missing family once more. He forgives his sister, he tries to comfort his mom. He destroys his father again. He tells his family that he denies them. He tells his grandfather that he still hates her. 

I would say that Shigaraki carries those feelings with him, while Dabi dissociates himself from his feelings.Shigaraki directly confronts those feelings because Shigaraki is the heart, feelings are what matter more to him. 

Dabi has feelings, obviously. Dabi has feelings even if he processes them in a way that’s not easy and palatable. Everyone in fact has feelings (though sometimes I wish I didn’t). Everyone expresses things in their own way if not in the typical way. 

Dabi is completely closed off in regards to his own feelings. He’s not like Shigaraki who is open enough about them he’ll tell his backstory to the whole league on the spot. In fact that’s another difference, the league generally knows Shigaraki’s issues, when they had no idea about Dabi’s. 

When really there was no good reason not to tell them. What are they not going to be up for murdering the number one hero? 

Friendship is a priority for Shigaraki. Individualism is a priority for Dabi. 

Dabi’s feelings towards the league are a messed up jumble, but his behavior towards them is pretty consistent. He takes every oppurtunity he can to insist that he’s not a part of them, that they’re all crazy and he’s the only sane one, that he doesn’t care about their feelings. This can’t all be Dabi just being tsundere or whatever, it’s physical steps taken for Dabi to distance himself from others. 

Dabi’s individual goals are more important than his connections to other people. Shigaraki has no distinct goal besides empty lashing out and therefore connects to people with similiar hurt feelings than his. 

Remember, Dabi self destructs. It’s likely, Dabi sees himself as a martyr. An individual willing to burn himself to take down the society with him. He’s trying to die for some cause like stain. 

So before I develop on this tangent one more difference in similarity between them. Shigaraki’s family is dead. He can’t really do anything but carry on their feelings with him. Tomarau means, to mourn. 

Dabi on the other hand, his family is still alive.He could have before the whole killing spree just shown up on their front doorstep. The reason he hasn’t, is because he can’t forgive Endeavor’s sin.

Whatever pushed him this far, whether it be a strong sense of justice, or a desire for personal revenge. Dabi values that, more than he values his connections with other people, even his own family who is still alive. This is once again the complex way Dabi handles his feelings, it’s likely he pushes his family away, the same way he pushes the league away and doesn’t process them. That’s why he says I thought about it so much I went crazy. He just insists he doesn’t care, and doesn’t think instead. Shigaraki lives constantly confronting his own feelings, Dabi lives by avoiding them. 

Dabi is impersonal, aloof, and only ever thinks of himself as an individual. He will cooperate with others if it suits his needs, but the bond of the league hasn’t quite reached him yet. There’s a consequence for this. 

So twice dying was Hawks fault. Because Hawks you know, stabbed him. 

However you could say, Dabi’s planning centering all around himself, and what he can accomplish as an individual, meant he failed to accomplish that Twice might get hurt as a result of him letting Hawks into the league as a Spy. It’s an unintended consequence, but still a consequence. 

Dabi showed up to save Twice but couldn’t. Then afterwards Dabi uses Twice’s death in the most gratuiotious way possible. Dabi insists once again he doesn’t care, that he never cared about Twice except as a tool that would have made fighting the heroes a lot easier. 

Shigaraki destroys everything around him. He destroys for the sake of the people around him. Dabi destroys himself, his own feelings, he self destructs. When people get caught up in his flames they’re sacrifices for his cause. 

Their priorities and the way they lash out are different. Dabi cares more for ideals than people. Shigaraki cares more for people than ideals.

However, they don’t have to destroy each other. Shigaraki trusts Dabi. Shigaraki of all the members of the league (with Toga as well) is the heart, is the best at sympathizing with the pain of other people because he is constantly in pain himself. 

Dabi made a mistake and as a result Twice got killed. He gambled with too high of circumstances. Twice let a secret slip and invited the heroes to the League’s compound. Twice brought Chisaki for a meeting and because of that Magne died. This kind of scenario has happened before. Of course Dabi insists that his motivations were less pure than Twice’s, he didn’t care what happened to the rest of the league as long as he got the dirt he wanted for his big reveal.

I’m not suggesting that Dabi is secretly a sweetheart, or a misunderstood angsting teddy bear. Just that Dabi is currently closed off from all of his feelings, that’s why he denies too the feelings of people around him and their attempts to reach out for him. Dabi has refused the compansionship of the league. 

It doesn’t have to be like this. Characters can develop. Shigaraki especially has been shown to reach out to people multiple times. Kurogiri is fond of him. Himiko and Twice in their moment of weakness, are convinced to stay on Shigaraki’s side because he shows their face to them. Spinner basically questioned why he was even staying with the league at his lowest point when he thought they had no reason to be there, and it was Shigaraki who he found his cause in. 

Dabi is lacking something. He’s burned off and emotionally stunted his ability to develop connections with other people. 

Shigaraki is lacking something. He is, again and again, told that he needs a plan besides destroy everything. Shigaraki is very observant of the world, and understands the truth, but he can’t get people to listen. Unlike Dabi who planned to such an extent, that he literally made a live public broadcast to turn public opinion against Endeavor because that was more important than winning a fight. 

It’s true Dabi and Shigaraki could turn against each other, because Dabi doesn’t value people, because Shigaraki considers his lashing out more important than his ideals. They could also be the ones to balance each other out. We’re at an important turning point now, Dabi can either break off from the league now that his individual mission is compelte, or he can finally be reached by the league. 

I think Shigaraki might reach him, because even though they’re grown up so differently they started in the exact same place. They were both boys who wanted to be heroes, and just wanted one person to tell them it was okay, that they could be heroes too. 

[galadhremmin]

Okay also the War of the Jewels version of the kingship passing from Maedhros to Fingolfin is way funnier than I remembered. First of all people become uneasy and decide to vote for an overlord because Caranthir shouts at Angrod and implies the Finarfinians might be traitorous because they’re not fully Noldorin. Which you’d expect might kindle some tensions because neither of course are the Fingolfinians. In this version there is an element of... aristocratic democracy? They actually choose an overlord, rather than it just being the eldest heir (as Feanor would have it!). So then;

“Therefore when the council came to the choosing of one to be the overlord of the Exiles and the head of all their princes, the choice of all save few fell on Fingolfin.” whoops. Yes there are definitely more people in the hosts of both Fingolfin and the Finarfinians combined.

“And even as the choice was made known, all those that heard it recalled the words of Mandos that the House of Feanor should be called the Dispossessed for ever. None the less ill for that did the sons of Feanor take this choice, save Maidros only, though it touched him the nearest." Yeah, okay. But the prophecy mentions their inability to regain their treasures, i.e. Silmarils, and being dispossessed of them. People are at this very strategic moment suddenly remembering that their house ‘should be called dispossessed.’  Which of course would not be an accepted outcome to the Feanorias anyway, they’re still chasing those jewels too after all. But I do think it’s very funny that Fingolfin’s supporters are suddenly willing to accept the prophecy as Mandos as telling the inevitable truth, or how things should be-- selectively. Because that same Doom tells them that there is no point to their own fight and they will all die, which they still largely seem to ignore. 

“But he restrained his brethen, saying to Fingolfin: 'If there lay no grievance between us, lord, still the choice would come rightly to thee, the eldest here of the house of Finwe, and not the least wise.'” ....and Maedhros manages in one single sentence to 1. make the chosen overlord the valid one because he is the eldest of the house of Finwe, i.e. playing by Feanor’s rules 2. complimentary mild snipe at Fingolfin. Not the least wise? Please. Celegorm and Fingon are present. The bar is not high.

Maedhros very much does not want a civil war and likes most of his cousins, Fingon especially, he’s willing to make sacrifices to keep the peace/united effort against Morgoth/any chance of fulfilling the Oath at all yeah yeah. 

But there’s also Caranthir accidentally making the Feanorians look bad while trying to make the Finarfinians look sus, the politically motivated selective Doom remembering, Maedhros, yes, giving Fingolfin the overlordship-- but not because he acknowledges the results of the election--but because Fingolfin is the eldest Finwean. I.e., the old system. No obviously not what Feanor wanted-- Maedhros’ fathername means ‘third in line because we’re skipping Indis’ kids’ -- but Maedhros doesn’t have his father’s personal hangups.

He’s still saying the choice ‘rightly’ comes to Fingolfin through being the eldest though. And that’s what Finrod remembers when he decides to rename his father Finarfin (ie high king) after Fingolfin’s death, no talk about voting.

(bonus from an earlier Grey Annals version in WoJ: ‘Thirdly: because after the death of Feanor the overlordship of the Exiles passed to Fingolfin (save among the followers of Feanor's sons),’ -- I suppose it would make sense lot of his father’s followers weren’t having it anyway, another very good reason to move them far, far to the East).

[tired-beholding-bitch]

with a love so sweet (in your heart, in your heart)

well

what was I to do, not write a fluffy Valentine's Day fic?

yeahh not a chance. how I love writing obnoxiously in love people. and i especially love writing obnoxiously in love idiots

if you couldn’t tell, yes, I have been thinking nonstop about the Soup Sickfic universe since two days ago and I could not live without this -- it just makes me so happy to write them being happy and also dumb and also having big fat crushes on each other ✨

hope this will make you just as happy reading it as it did for me while i was writing it :)

happy valentine's day! 💕❤

-------------

«Does- does the ice cream taste haunted, to you?»

Martin, for the second time this month, isn't completely certain about how he found himself in his current predicament, exactly.

The predicament being, at the moment, the fact he's sitting down on a park bench, eating ice cream with his boss who maybe-kind-of doesn't hate him, actually. On Valentine's Day. And freezing his butt off in the process, because parks are not places to be in February. And also panicking, a little bit, because he might be almost, somewhat, a bit in love with said boss.

Also, that isn't completely accurate, now that he thinks about it.

And he will think about it, because it's still a better option than staring at Jon as he oh so carefully eats his ice cream.

(It's one scoop of rum and raisin, an old lady ice cream order, and he's eating it with a little plastic spoon despite asking for a cone, painstakingly slowly, savouring each tiny spoonful with great concentration. Which is also very old lady-like.

Martin shouldn't find that as endearing as he does, he's pretty sure.

However. It isn’t his fault it’s adorable. He sort of feels like he's about to collapse, with the amount of blood too busy rushing to his face to attend to any of the other very important functions it should attend to.

It doesn't help that his hair is tied back in a hastily fastened bun, messy and practical, that somehow still manages to look effortlessly artsy on Jon.

There are a couple of loose strands framing the angles of his face in a way that makes Martin's heart stutter in his chest, vague metaphors crowding his mind in flashes – something about loving hands carving wood in the shape of him, and about the sun kissing his eyes golden, and just. It's a lot.

He will not think about that. He cannot.)

In fact, unfortunately, he knows how he ended up in this situation.

It was Tim. Of course it was Tim.

Tim, who has been incredibly obnoxious about prodding and teasing and needling him into asking Jon on a date ever since the Great Soup Incident, as it's been referred to since they all went out for drinks once his flu had completely relented.

That was three weeks ago.

Martin has not known any peace since.

Tim had initially pitched his theory on that first evening back, over their third pint of beer – the two previous rounds, in Martin's humble opinion, being the only reason he could ever come up with such an idea at all.

«I think Jon likes you, Marto.» he had said, casual as anything, an arm around his shoulders ready to slap his back when inevitably the words registered and he almost choked to death on his drink.

Sasha had raised an eyebrow, looking at them from across the table. She didn’t comment, even though it was obviously a sign of alcohol poisoning starting to set in and they should have gotten Tim to an hospital as soon as possible, probably. Far from letting it drop, her silence only served as further encouragement for Tim to elaborate.

«No, no – hear me out, alright? What I think – and not only I'm amazing, in general, I also know the both of you very well –, yes, so what I think is that Jon is panicking. Why, you ask? Well, naturally because he has a big old crush on you, Martin, my friend! And he has no idea how to deal with that because he's also been an ass to you!» Tim had explained, cheerful, like his reasoning made perfect sense and not at all like he was about to blackout from a concussion, which would have been the more logical conclusion.

He had turned to Sasha in despair, silently begging her to agree with him – she's so level-headed, surely she was going to see that there was no rhyme or reason to any of that, no universe in which Jonathan Sims had a crush on him. On him. It's simply unthinkable. Preposterous.

Sasha had looked him straight in the eye. Then she had smiled, light and dangerous.

«Actually, I agree with Tim. It really sounds like a Jon thing to do.» she had said. The traitor. That’s when he first realised his friends are cruel, awful people, mocking him so.

And it hadn't stopped there, either.

It's been three very long weeks of constant nudges and winking and a lot of elbows planting in Martin's side every time Jon was in the same room as all of them, supposedly doing something prove Tim's convictions.

Except it never stopped.

It was all the time, while Jon was in his general vicinity. Even in the remote, extremely unlikely scenario in which it could have been useful data to prove his point, Martin doubts it could have been an accurate analysis of Jon's behaviour anyways.

Because the thing is, he couldn’t exactly deny that something different had happened.

That something had changed, after that Thursday evening in Martin's flat.

Jon is… trying.

He apologised properly, for one.

He's less harsh on his mistakes, which makes it easier for him to relax and make less mistakes, which in turn makes Jon smile at him, now, apparently?

Jon smiling at him is a thing that happens, now.

He'll bring him his first cup of tea of the morning, as he has been doing since he was transferred to the Archives and which never prompted anything more than a mumbled, distracted thank you before. And even that only when Jon noticed him leaving the mug on his desk.

But the Monday following the Great Soup Incident he had looked up from the statement he was busy glaring at when Martin had knocked on his office door, and he had thanked him with the same quiet, delicate tone he had used while he was sitting on his bed and giving him water and medicine. Like this was a perfectly normal thing to do.

And he had smiled at him. It was a small thing – it had scrunched up his nose, a little.

Martin had almost spilled the tea, startled, and then he had stammered something about work to do and nonexistent families to contact and had rushed out of the room before Jon could register the glowing red blush on his cheeks, or the fact his eyes had very much lingered on his lips. On the way the unfamiliar expression barely pulled the corners up, softening his features, as he wondered how it would feel to kiss that smile wider. To hear him laugh, maybe.

(He's pretty sure the day he hears Jon laugh is the day he dies.

Martin just knows – it simply isn't something he'll be able to survive, not with the way his breath catches on the faint lines that appear around his eyes when he's happy, something aching and sweet tightening like a fist around his heart every time he manages to smooth out the semi-permanent frown on his forehead.)

And, yes, maybe it is a bit weird that Jon also takes his lunch break with him.

Honestly, it's really weird he stops for lunch at all – Martin has been concerned about him not eating for months, and they have all been taking turns to try and needle him into taking a break with varying degrees of success – but it's especially so that whenever he does decide to have lunch, it's because Martin asks.

That... never seemed to be the case, before.

But he can't really complain, and it eases some of the ever-present worry about Jon working himself too hard that he has to wrestle with on a daily basis.

What’s more, he gets to sit across from him at a cafe table and longingly gaze at him as he gestures wildly with his sandwich while he goes on some tangent or other about deep sea gigantism or the questionable accuracy of historical records or another surprisingly fascinating topic Martin knows nothing about. He would listen to a two-hour lecture on the merits of white rice over balsamic vinegar with no regrets, if it meant he got to witness Jon's hair bouncing happily as he got more and more animated, hands dancing in front of him, cheeks going red because he forgets to stop talking to take a breath more often than not.

Along with other evidence – as Tim keeps calling the strange little instances of Jon doing distinctly un-Jon-like things – and the fact that his co-workers are bastards, Martin really had every reason to not be surprised at all when he walked into the Archives, that morning, and was greeted by an incredibly tense standoff between Jon and Tim himself. At his desk, for some reason.

However, Martin is also an idiot, and he was surprised.

Even more so when this was somehow followed – in a turn of events that left him kind of dizzy, holding on for dear life to a world that had mostly made sense five minutes before – by Jon stammering out an unbelievably awkward you– since Tim refuses, w-we are set to investigate a supposedly cursed ice cream parlour later, Martin. Don’t leave for lunch before one, please before promptly disappearing inside his office with not but a glance back, leaving Martin to gape at the closed door like a very confused fish.

So, yeah. This – this being the fact that he just had to utter the words does this ice cream taste haunted to you and also probably the cold he will end up nursing after sitting on a park bench in February – is all Tim’s fault.

He set them up. Like. Like they’re in a corny Christmas romcom, except it’s not Christmas and also this is real life and also Jon is his boss and there isn’t one single chance in the world he would not think Martin’s embarrassing crush on him is anything other than that. Embarrassing. Tim is delusional. And also an awful friend trying to make him embarrass himself, like he doesn’t manage well enough on a daily basis.

Except.

Jon doesn’t, in fact, turn around to glare holes into him, or try to drown Martin in his single scoop of rum and raisin, or even simply get up to walk away like he figured would happen in the best case scenario.

No.

Jon does the one thing he could have never even begun to imagine would happen.

He snorts.

It’s such a small sound Martin would think he hallucinated it, if not for the fact his own body wouldn’t betray him like this, making him think up something that sends his brain into a frantically blinking blue screen error, not able to process literally any thought besides.

Jon. Laughing – and not about anything, but laughing at Martin’s awkward attempt at lightening up the somehow tense atmosphere that had settled upon them, desperately trying to ease Jon into the comfortable, playful banter he had gotten used to hearing from him during their lunch breaks at the cafe.

A part of him is really smug about it.

He was right. He died. He must have done something right in his life and also his mother’s pastor was wrong, clearly, because he died and this must be Heaven.

Jon’s laugh is, possibly, the most adorable thing about him to date.

(That’s saying something, considering Martin spends a considerable amount of time cataloguing every cute thing about Jon in a growing list in his head.

The fact every new thing he discovers usually bumps up to first place immediately, displacing the previous one, is irrelevant. So is the fact first and second place are also irrelevant per se, because it’s simply impossible to classify them objectively anyway.)

He’s really proud of himself, actually.

Not only he made Jon laugh, he also did not immediately melt in an adoring puddle on the ground next to him. He’s just blushing. A lot. If he tries very hard he can probably pass it off as rightful awkwardness at asking an incredibly stupid question.

That is, until Jon – for some unfathomable reason, that Martin cannot begin to guess and that sends his poor overworked brain into yet another shortcircuit – casually puts a hand on his arm, steadying himself as his laughter dies out slowly.

It’s just – too much. The way his fingers tighten a bit, enough that he can feel the pressure even through his coat. How Jon looks up at him, a smile still playing on his lips, and there’s the tiniest smudge of ice cream right at the corner of his mouth.

No one can blame him for losing control of his mouth.

«Jon. Is– is this… a date?» he asks, and then immediately slaps a hand over his face in despair, wishing there was a way to physically grab the words and put them back.

There isn’t.

He keeps his hand on his face because he cannot possibly face him after this – not as he immediately starts trying to come up with a good enough apology for all that. There aren’t enough apologies in the world, probably.

Hey, sorry, it’s just I’ve been pining after you for a year and you suddenly decided I was someone worth smiling at and it’s becoming really difficult to, y’know, not fall in love with you even more. Terribly sorry about all that.

Yeah, no.

Before he can do the sensible thing – which, he suspects, would be learn very quickly how to vanish into thin air – Jon starts talking instead. He… also doesn’t let go of Martin’s arm, even though currently he’s using that hand to cover his eyes, which means his knuckles are brushing against his cheek.

Martin is going to have a heart attack.

«No. No, this- this is a case follow-up. F-for an incredibly idiotic case.» Jon says, and there’s a hint of humour in his voice, irony masking something deeper. Martin can’t quite detect what it is – nervousness, maybe? But why would he–

«B-but. We could, if you- if you were amenable and you, of course only if you wanted it to be a- a date, we could. Go. On one. A date? T-together?»

Oh.

It’s enough to convince him to glance cautiously in Jon’s direction, peeking through his fingers. Jon is looking at him very expectantly, and in the sun it’s easy to see he’s blushing, too, a little.

He’s smiling.

It’s a new one, all subdued, sweet as honey. It’s also the fondest expression Martin has seen on his face yet, softening the sharp angles of him into something novel, warmer than the crisp February air could ever be. He wants to cradle that expression in his hands and memorise every detail of it.

It’s comforting, in some way, to find out Jon is also an idiot.

«Jon. Jon. If I’m amenable? I’ve– I’ve been sighing after you for almost a- a year. Yes. God, yes, I’m amenable.» he says, and it’s exasperated and yet he can’t even pretend to hide the quivering happiness in his tone, the grin splitting his face that he can’t seem to get rid of.

He doesn’t think he imagines Jon’s blush growing deeper, either, or the mumbled how would I know, it wasn’t that obvious that he muffles into his shoulder.

He isn’t even mad Tim was right.

(The ice cream tastes much better after that.

Probably because he has to hold it with one hand, the fingers of his right intertwined with Jon’s as they make their way back to the Institute.

And yes, they forget to let go of each other before entering the Archives. Because they’re both idiots and they were too busy sneaking extremely-not-subtle looks at each other to realise their mistakes, apparently.

«I told you it was going to work, Sash!!! They couldn’t possibly be that dense.»)