#and words cant even really describe how much better i am now

[oflgtfol]

in my monthly “mourning the part of me that died last year” era

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[bluriki]

christmas special one ❄ snowy nights ﹫ lhs

ꪆৎ — on a snowy night with you, heeseung decides to confess how much love he has for you ; pair best friend!heeseung x fem!reader ; genre fluff , f2l

your heart beats uncontrollably. being this close to heeseung shouldn't make you feel this nervous but it does. he shouldn't make you feel like your floating on clouds but he does. he makes you feel all things best friends shouldn't make you feel.

1 ) helps you bring in groceries , you're hearts a fluttering mess 2 ) says the most random joke , you're laughing genuinely 3 ) he's staring at you , fire is on your cheeks

so now, you're in each others arms, slow dancing in the snow. it was heeseungs idea, saying it would be so fun to play and dance in the snow. the sun had gone down but the snowflakes were still falling.

soft music was playing from heeseung's phone as you swayed back and forth. you accidentally stepped on his foot causing him to groan. "sorry! i-i'm not good at dancing." you apologized quickly, feeling embarrassed.

"it's okay." you looked up with a smile on your face but the smile got wiped right off when you realized how close you really were to heeseung. his eyes never left yours as he held you close.

"you're really pretty." he whispered softly. your heart pounded in your chest. so hard you though it was gonna come out. but of course you tried playing it cool. "thanks but i already knew that."

heeseung snickered. "did you?" you nodded, trying to mask all the emotions that are flying around in your heart. "did you know you're loved?" you tilted your head in confusion. loved? well yeah, you know you were loved but what was he getting too?

"did you know i love you?" heeseung whispered as if he just wanted you to hear. your heart pounded once again, but this time you were sure he heard it.

"did you know how much i've dreamt of being by your side all day, everyday? did you know that i wanted to put a mistletoe on my door frame so when you come over i could steal a peck? you're lucky sunghoon convinced me not to."

"did you know why i arranged to dance with you while it snow? answer is because im romantic —"

he winked causing you to blush.

"but it's also because i love you. literally more than anyone could imagine. more than sunghoon could imagine and believe me he hears about it all the time. sometimes at 3 am. but that's because you're on my mind every single day, hour, minute, second. i love you so much it hurts that i cant confess to you, but it looks like it just did."

you were speechless. you didn't know what to say. it was like he read your mind because you had felt everything he felt. possibly even more.

"i love you too." you whispered. your mind was a mess. no words could really describe you how your felt this very moment, but one thing was for sure, you love heeseung too.

"i really do." you add on. you were still in his arms, looking as fragile as ever. so many things you wanted to say but only three words could really describe how your felt. "i love you."

heeseungs smiled. his eyes sparkled in the night as you told him you felt the same. your confession wasnt as great at his but it was perfect to him. more perfect than he could ever imagine.

"you know, i ran this scene through my mindso many times but it's way better than i thought."

you giggle and lean closer to his chest. "i'm glad you confessed first." he smiled and held you closer. the chill of the night fell in and it was time to go home.

"do me a favor and put that mistletoe up when you get home." you whispered against his shoulder. heeseung laughed, kissing your cheek softly.

🎬 노트 && . special thanks to yena ( @in2fly ) for giving me this idea when i was stuck!! i love you saur much!!

🧷 perm tl && . send ask or comment to be added

📋 series tl && . @in2fly @reader69sviewpoint @nhularin

[ever-eilish]

Could you do Billie Eilish asking r out

A (not so) bad day

billie eilish x fem! reader

a day that is supposed to be horrible takes unexpected turns, after you accidentally bump into a certain singer

author's notes: thank you so much for requesting, I really appreciate it! sorry if this is not what you wanted, I really hope you like it though! once again, english is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes, enjoy❤️

warnings: a bit of cursing, but mostly fluff

Chaotic. That was the only way to define today. You know that saying that 'nothing is so bad that it cant get worse'? So, that saying has proven true today.

I woke up 30 minutes late, spilled the coffee in my white clothes, missed the bus, and now I'm here, standing in front of the bland beige door, waiting for my boss to decide to call me to give me some more of his scolding.

Bad luck. That's the only word that can describe my day, or rather, my week.

Everything that could go wrong, did;

I'm in the midst of a series of catastrophic events ranging from the simplest, like knocking my butter breakfast bread to the floor — with the butter-covered part facing down, of course — to the more serious, like being threatened with losing my job by my annoying, weird boss.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when I see the door in front of me open and the middle-aged man walk out of the room - which looks more like a chain saddle.

"Well, well, it looks like you've decided to be late again?" the wretch says.

As if I'd choose to miss my bus, spill coffee on my white blouse, and wake up late.

"That way I'll have no option but to fire you," he repeats the same words he's been saying to me for so long.

Son of a bitch.

"Sir, please! I promise it won't happen again, I love my job!" I lied.

"I'm sorry, but you're officially fired," he announces, as if announcing me as an Oscar winner. I take a deep breath, count to a thousand, take another deep breath and, with all the calmness in the world, say: "FUCK YOU!" I throw my badge on the floor, and walk towards the office door, ignoring all the crooked looks directed at me, and leave that musty-smelling place.

I didn't even like it there!

My God, how am I going to pay my bills? Fuck that old cuckold.

Fuck that old-man

Oh my God, I'm going to have to sell my computer.

I hated my. co-workers anyway.

My God, my computer.

All thoughts were running. through my head in a whirlwind when suddenly I bump into someone in front of me and fall to the ground.

THAT'S ALL I NEEDED!

Without even noticing who it was, I quickly stand up muttering something like, 'I'm sorry'; and I offer my hand to the stranger sitting on the floor.

And it is at that moment that, with my hand outstretched, I begin to notice the victim of my lack of attention.

The stranger wore a black blouse with white stripes — or white with black stripes - and black shorts. Her beautiful hair had the roots dyed red, while the rest was dark brown.

I could have sworn I knew her from somewhere.

It's very sudden when I feel her warm touch on my hand - which remained stretched - and I feel the girl partially throw her weight on me to get up.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I should be more careful" she says, with an embarrassed smile.

"I'm the one who apologizes! I've been walking around thinking about nothing and ! ended up bumping into you" I say,

scratching the back of my neck.

"Are you okay? You hit it really hard against the floor" was only when the girl tells me that I notice my throbbing hip.

"I'm great!" I lied knowing full well that the last thing I was in right now was 'great'. "Hm, so, you live here?" the stranger says, acting as if she wants to continue a conversation.

I don't have anything better to do, after all, why not talk?

"No! I live in my house," say, internally cursing myself for the terrible attempt at a joke.

Anyway, she laughed, and I felt my. embarrassment soon go away when I heard the good sound of that laughter.

"Oh got it, you're the funny type, then?"

she asks me, clearly joking.

"That's what they say"

We stare at each other for a while when very quietly, I hear the click of a camera. The girl seems to hear the same thing as I do, when she suddenly grabs my arm and pulls me nto the convenience store next to us.

What the fuck is going on?

She pulls me further into the store and 'hides' behind a food rack.

Holy shit, is she being followed?

My God, could it be that she's a serial killer and I recognized her because of that?

Holy shit, I'm too young to die.

What if...

I am interrupted from my mental breakdown at the sound of his voice.

"Hm, I'm sorry about that. You know how it is, right? Paparazzi are everywhere."

My God, I was right.

She's a serial killer and I'm her next victim. "Are you going to kill me?" my eyes widen as I ask.

"What?" she says to me, visibly confused, "my. name is Billie! I'm a singer."

I let myself take a deep breath when I hear what Billie tells me. Well, at least I won't die today.

"Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you, and I wanted to meet you again" she says, looking deep into my eyes "what do you think about going to a coffee shop with me one of these days?"

Is she asking me out on a date?

"Like a date?"

"Yes!"

"I want to!" I reply promptly, and watch as she rummages through her purse for a pen.

"Here!" She finally finds a blue fine-tipped pen, pulls out my hand, and writes something.

Before I can process what was happening, I feel a small kiss being left on my cheek and watch her walk out of the store with her head down.

When I look into my hand, I read:

"Cafeteria 221B, Baker Street;

03/22, at 9:00 pm.

See ya<3"

Maybe today wasn't such a bad day after all.

[bluewinnerangel]

Is the interview good? I cant access it, i guess too many people are trying and it crashed

Yeah I think so (link here for those who can)! He doesn't say that much more he hasn't already said in other interviews, but there's no bs, and lemme just highlight the stuff that's got some new or more elaborated information and/or just what stood out to me:

starts off so unnecessarily grandpa

"TIKTOK IS PROBABLY TELLING THE KIDS WHAT TO DRINK THESE DAYS. I just still drink me vodka Red Bull, you know what I mean?”"

love it, more elaborately explains the writing process which is worth reading for sure, and there's a lil bit more insight to the themes of the songs on FITF

"He favours songwriting that resembles pub chatter and inherently human topics. From one of the tracks borrowing its title from Pulp (yep, that’d be ‘Common People’) to the fact that he consistently pronounces another track as “art a’ me system” (that’s ‘Out Of My System’ for any non-Yorkshire-dwellers), he’s remained proud of his roots and is finally, properly, getting the chance to shout about it. Even conceptually, and with the topics that we speak about, I think it’s a better representation of who I am as a person, this record. And those things are important to me. It’s also, as a songwriter, where I feel most comfortable - writing about these kinds of really normal things. It’s something that I’m definitely conscious of. It was a deliberate choice.”"

He goes on a rant about high ticket prices, of course there's that "it's been seven years now since the band", and I really like him mentioning the distinction between tour and all the other aspects of the music industry, because I felt like this has been shown, so it's nice to see it confirmed I guess.

"He describes touring as black and white, with none of the nuances he has to deal with in the rest of the music industry. It’s the one thing that’s barely changed over his career, the simple exchange of getting a ticket and seeing your favourite artist. It means the world to his fans and, in turn, means the world to him.“My biggest aim since I started my solo career, because it was my favourite shit in the band, was can I create something where it gives me the ability to tour for the next 10 years? So I’ve got one year down. If I could do another nine, I’ll be happy.”"

And last, powerful words about him (and his fans) being underestimated he says that He likes that they never see us coming and that he likes catching people by surprise, which, yeah, I love him

“I think that’s a frustration I’ve found across my career to date. But you know, there’s a little thing that me and the fans say together, and it’s that they never see us coming. It doesn’t matter how many times we fucking do what we do, they never see us coming. But you know what, I like it that way. I like catching people by surprise.”

[fatuismooches]

Hello smooches, its been a while since i popped up here. Been busy with school since i missed like a whole semester bcs i was hospitalized 💀 now i have to catch up with everything.. (pls send help-) anyway, I hope u and the others are doing well 🙏💞

Also, i want to share a very messy Capitano brainrot or a very random thought that have been plaguing my mind for the past few weeks 💀 and its about him having separation anxiety (or fear of losing someone he loves), especially towards *cough* fragile!reader *cough*

I know it is VERY ooc of him, but to me just the thought of someone like him having that just tug a string in my heart 😔

Just think about it, that man must have been through a LOT before he became known as the strongest individual in teyvat and being feared by many people, even being called a monster bcs of how strong he is when he is on the battlefield. Even how bloody his hands are, there's still "someone" (cough reader cough) who really cares/loves him, accept whoever he is and makes him happy. But suddenly that person fell sick and their health keeps deteriorating everyday while he doesn't know what to do to make his sick lover better? (Sure, he can protect reader from any harm. But, can he protect them from getting unknown disease?) Don't mind me, i'll just lie down here and cry-

Also i have this scenario in my head, like the way he walked so fast as soon as he finally touches the front door of their shared home when he came back from expedition just to find reader. He NEEDS to see them with his own eyes, even though all of his subordinates and their house attendants already told him that reader is fine on the letter he recieved everytime he asks how's the condition of his sick lover.

The moment he sees reader, weakly trying to walk towards him to welcome him, he just basically grabbing onto them and hugged them and they can hear tiny quiet aborted breaths coming from under his.. Helmet(?), mumbling breathy words that sound jumbled together but due to their proximity they can vaguely make out a 'it's okay, they're here, they're still here.. and alive.. and not gone..' Reader, after hearing that and seeing him like this for the first time, it really made their heart squeeze painfully and hugged him tighter

Again i'm so sorry if this doesn't make any sense, i really need to get it out of my head ASAP but i also tried to make it as not messy as possible 😭😭 anyways, i really hope that u have an amazing day smooches! 🙏🛐💞

(It seems that everyone already completed Fontaine really fast, and then there's me who barely have time to play and missed some events in 3.8 too 😭 æügh- rip primogems 😔 also, Neuvillette.. the temptation of wanting to pull for him is too strong after seeing his drip marketing 😩)

-🥝

🥝 ANON!!! OH MY GOD I MISSED U SM. I WAS WORRIED BUT IM SO GLAD YOU’RE OKAY. Ahh that sounds really stressful I hope you’re making sure to rest and take breaks too :( *hugs you* But I am doing well, thank you 💞💞

But OUH. YOU RETURNED WITH SOME HEART-BREAKING DIDNT YOU 😭. Noooo the way you described his past makes me so sad :( Yes, there are a lot of people who respect him, but of course there will always be people scared of him. His great reputation won’t stop rumors from floating around, but he’s come to accept that. Especially when he has someone as lovely and kind as you, who shows their love without a moment’s hesitation, what other people think doesn’t really matter. Really, he’s come to value your opinion so much, he always takes what you say seriously even when it’s so obvious you’re joking.

OUCHHH I CANT EVEN PUT IT INTO WORDS. He’s so used to fighting things, things that have a physical form of course. That’s how he can protect you. But what can he do when sickness has no form? What use is he when he can’t cut through what’s ailing you with his sword? His hands are made for battle and killing but there is nothing he can kill that would make you better. 

Well now you’ve got me thinking about that too 😭 When he walks in he doesn’t even acknowledge his staff, just walks straight to your room to make sure you’re okay. I feel like the Fatui soldiers in his squad have grown to the point where they try to get everything done as soon as possible just so their captain can have even just a moment more of time to spend with you.

He would get so worried just seeing you out of bed, his heart rate would spike for a second and quickly support you and get you back to bed. But first he would just hold you tight, enough so that he can hear your heartbeat, feel your warmth and pulse, and know that you’re still truly here with him. He just needs to know you’re alive, he often finds his hands near your chest and wrist, to feel you breathe in and out. It’s really comforting to Capitano considering how he deals with death every day. After those few words he lets out, you know he didn’t mean for you to hear them, but now you have and you’ll do your best to reassure him. Just guide his big hand to your heart and let him feel the beat of your heart, how as long as he’s by your side you’ll swear to keep it beating for him :(

THANK YOU FOR THIS 🥝 ANON I’ve been missing Capitano a lot and your brain rots with him never fail 😫For the sake of my heart fragile reader got better thank you very much <3 And don’t worry about Fontaine or Genshin in general! It’s not going away and you should focus on yourself and your life first :) But when you do play I promise you’ll have a great time, Fontaine is very pretty and relaxing :) (Yes… join me in pulling for Neuvillette >:)))

[japeneselunchtimerush]

How about 4,5,8,13,14,15,16,17,18,19 and 20 for Akashi and 8, 11, and 15 for Momoi

Aww you spoil me(≧◡≦)

This is going to be a very very long post so Ill continue under the cut

AKASHI

4.If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

Ok Ive been thinking about this for a while now but The disastrous life of Saiki K. Here me out

Saiki would take one look at Akashi and be like hell no. Appears to be perfect like teruhashi?No Has another person inside their head?Double No Wears his school jacket like a cape?Triple No

Akashi would be way to extraordinary for Saiki and hes friends with Kokomi. I also think it would be really funny if Saiki used telapathy and heard Bokushi and Oreshi conversing in his head. He would be flabbergasted imo

I also want to see the showdown between Kokomi "gods favourite" Teruhashi and Akashi "I am absolute" seijuro. Akashi would definitely be the perfect pretty boy of the school. He would have a version of the Kokomins as well lmao.

People(aka Nendo) would mistake Akashi for Saiki and Saiki would be pissed lmfao.

Ok Im invested now, Ill continue talking about this AU in another post.

5.What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

Literally every MARINA song. But If I had to pick Id say "Oh no!"

This line from the song Things to do resonates too though.

"You are just a boy, you are no man and nobody you know will understand"

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

I already made a post compiling everything I hated about fanon akashi but Ill say it again.

People make him out to be some psycho who is obsessed with kuroko and hates everybody else. They give him no other personality other than scissors, tetsuya and being absolute as if he isnt so so much more than that.

Oreshi doesnt even exist in the heads of people who do this. But it has gotten much better over the years and most of the fandom has finally gotten a good grasp of hos character so thats nice.

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

This came at the perfect time cause Im actually working on a GoM as emoticons thingy(maybe a few other characters) so I might as well share my akashi emoticons. You can guess who is who.

𓈊 𓈊

∠🏀(●‿●)➃ ∠🏀(●_◉)➃

(They are supposed to be holding the basketball under their arms but its doesnt look like that but I spend 30 minutes on each of them so it doesnt even matter)(maybe I should have added a tea cup)(eh)

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

Either Dark Academia or Light Academia he fits both tbh. But I think he looks good in dark colors so dark academia.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

I have a lot of akashi ships(by that I mean a lot) I have to go with MayuAka, NijiAka, MibuAka, and MidoAka(I cant pick one Im sorry it fluctuates)

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

AkaFuri tbh I see them more as best friends(Furi giving Akashi a taste of normalacy)

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

Romantic AkaKuro. I just feel like their relationship is so much more than romance. You cant describe their relationship with the word romance. I see them more as queer platonic partners.

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

Again cant decide between Nijimura, Mayuzumi and Mibuchi so Ill explain my thoughts on all.

Nijimura was one of the only people who treated akashi as what he truly was, a child. He took him out for snacks, guided him actually cared for him you know all the reasons why niji is the best senpai. And Akashi really did look up to him and enjoyed being vice captain under him.

Reo is another person who treats Akashi(both of them) with so much kindness and love. Even If Mibuchi didnt(probably) like akashi romantically he would still care about him just as much. Like Akashi is his baby he loves him so much. And Akashi loves Reo just as much which is obvious given how he comforted him for the foul during the RakuSei match.

MayuAka is defo one of my favorite duos in series. They are the canon light and shadow duo for Rakuzan. Mayuzumi brings the much needed normalacy in Akashi's life like lending him his light novels(on multiple occasions might I add). But he also encouraged Akashi(in his own sarcastic way) even if he wasnt obligated to for how akashi treated him during the match. He forgives Akashi when he apologizes even though he could have rejected it. And Akashi likes Mayuzumi too. He frequently invites him to matches and outings(more like doesnt give him a chance to say no)(this was in cross colors btw) and quite literally tricked him into spending time with the other shadows(takao and kuroko). I think their relationship is very unexplored in the bigger sections of the fandom. Ok this got way too long Im sorry.

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

His relationship with his father leaves a lot to be desired. Now I dont think that masaomi is a bad person per say but he is a horrible father with or without meaning to. He blatantly neglets Akashi during his childhood and in his teenage years. He doesnt allow Akashi to mourn the death of his mother and only pushes him further. Akashi is forced to live up to his unreal expectations his entire life.

Now I dont think he doesnt love Akashi, I think that Masaomi is a man who loved his late wife but does not know how to give his son the love he needs and deserves partly because it was also how he was raised. Their relationship is overall pretty toxic and I can only hope that they talk through their issues when Akashi is older.

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

Honestly? Either Momoi or Takao.

Momoi is an insanely intelligent girl and If this wasnt already said this enough they would overthrow the world. AkaMomo friendship wasnt shown in the show because they knew it would be too powerful.

Takao is a positive and funny person. He is optimistic and one of his greatest strenghts is being able to make any situation funny. I know this has been mentioned before but both Takao and Akashi want to improve on something the other has(being a point guard for takao and being approachable and funny for akashi)

I think they would bring out the best in eachother. They would also make Midorima's life miserable which is a bonus.

___________________________________________

MOMOI

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

There's nothing in the fandom that I particularly hate other than the people who hate her tbh. In all the fics Ive read she is pretty badass and cool.

But her haters istg. They either hate her cause they find her love for kuroko annoying or because she gets in the way of their gay ships or whatever(I absolutely despise when female characters are hated because they " get in the way of m/m ship")

They also dislike her because she body shamed riko but tbh her calling riko's boobs small is 100 times better than aomine kneeing his teammate in the gut dont you think🤨🤨

11. Would you date this character?

One word. Yes.

Momoi is such a sweet person overall, she is so nice and caring and kind. Yes her cooking sucks but I can cook well enough for the both of us. I know for a fact she would be a super affectionate girlfriend. Id be getting cuddles 24/7.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

AoMomo no competition. The childhood best friends to lovers. Momoi literally being Aomine's ideal girl, Momoi not realising that she likes Aomine because she liked kuroko. Aomine always protecting her no matter what. The two of them being throught thick and thin with eachother.

I just love their relatioship whether or not it is platonic or romantic.

[transdib]

every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

[sehnsuchts-trunken]

Hi, may I get a match-up for the hobbit please? I'm genderfluid they/them) and would like to shipped with a masc character please.

I'm an INFP-A, 9w1. My horoscope is gemini sun, leo moon, and libra rising. All of those are extremely accurate lol. I'm very whimsical and distant, but once you get to know me I'm even MORE whimsical and very emotionally intense lol. I'm a bit of a manic pixie dream girl lol. My intensity usually intimidates people, but otherwise I'm very open and friendly once you get to know me. I'm observant and introspective, which ironically makes it difficult for me to make friends and makes me a bit sensitive. I'm extremely compassionate, empathetic, patient, and understanding. It's one of my worst traits as well, since i struggle with forming boundaries and being angry at people who mightve wronged me. I'm also incredibly indecisive. I'm not a pushover though, and have no problem gently letting ppl know when I disagree with them or something.

The animals that my friends/family say remind them of me are bears and elephants. My favorite color is yellow, and my favorite flowers are honeysuckle and jasmine. My favorite season is a tie between summer and winter, even though I HATE the cold.

With my friends I'm very chaotic and they describe me as "a silly gnome/goblin". When with them i initiate most hangouts and have always been a sort of ring leader.

My giving love language is quality time and words of affirmation. Receiving they are physical touch and quality time.

I come from an abusive household and had to look out for my younger siblings (2 younger sisters and 3 cousins who are basically brothers).I've been through a lot and that's given me a unique perspective on the world and what it means to be alive.

For hobbies I really enjoy reading, crafting, writing poetry and am very good at it, and just spending time outside. I love listening to music and listen to absolutely everything and enjoy it lol. I'm very go-with-the-flow and am down for practically anything and everything at least once. I don't like mean-spirited things/people, the cold, and being man-handled lol.

My style is very hippie/70s with goth influence. I have very long dark straight mahogany hair and blue eyes, and a very small/petite frame (hence not liking being manhandled lol). I'm very pretty in a free-spirited way, and I'm quite graceful.

My ideal type is someone who can get me out of my shell a bit while still appreciating my soft/whimsical side. Someone who can have my back and we can be our inner children together, if that makes sense. I'd do well with someone who could understand me, and help me be the best version of myself. I believe love and empathy are the only things worthwhile in life, in all the various forms they take, despite what I've been through. It terrifies me though, so id need someone to convince me to take that leap with them. Its easy to scare me off as well so someone who could understand how to approach me without overwhelming me would be best. In relationships I'm very much drawn to a twin flame sort of dynamic lol.

((I'm sorry if I did this wrong, I couldn't find any rules through navigation on mobile or anything other than your post about opening match-ups, I'm so sorry if I did this wrong! Thank you so much💗))

you did everything right, no worries!! there actually should be a post on rules and stuff tho so um, i'll have to go check what's wrong with that soon. but you're all good!!

im a bit insecure about just how this turned out, cant really tell if you'll like it but we'll see!

I ship you with...

Fili!

You've known Fili your entire life. You were born at around the same time Kili was and you're pretty sure that's the reason why you're so close to them. It makes sense. Your parents had never been the best and you had a lot of family that you were happy to escape from now and then, plus Dis was lovely and more of a mother to you than yours ever was. So you spent the better part of your childhood with Kili - and with Kili meant with Fili as well, because they came in a package deal. Always.

While Kili grew to be your best friend, much like a brother, Fili... you'd always felt a few butterflies around. You could've written it off as some kind of childhood crush, of an infatuation in your teenage years, but honestly, you'd never quite got over it. You were older now, old enough that you should have long since been normal about the whole thing, old enough to have found work for yourself and left your parents behind. But you were still just as close to Kili and Fili and no, you were not over your crush in the slightest. Over the years, you'd just gotten better at pushing it down and suppressing it.

So you're there with them when Thorin calls on them for the quest of reclaiming Erebor. You're there because you're practically family, because Thorin knows and trusts you, and you're just as quick to agree as his nephews. And why wouldn't you go? You love them all dearly, you'd never been on an adventure before and Erebor was your home too, after all, or would have been at least, under different circumstances. So a few weeks later you start out on a life-changing journey with your two favourite dwarves in the whole world and you're honestly only a bit wistful because you'd had to leave your books and paper behind.

The three of you are a force to be reckoned with. Kili matches your chaotic energy exactly and Fili is - though certainly being the most responsible out of the three of you - still not nearly as responsible as his uncle, so your journey to Bilbo's little home all the way in Bag's End is some of the most fun you've had in your entire life. Daily life with them is obviously great as well, but what with your work and all, you haven't seen them this much in a long, long while.

It quiets down a bit when the rest of the company joins (most of them you know, some of them you can't remember), but you're still enough to get on Thorin's nerves quite a lot. You do make friends with Bilbo, though, who's drawn to just how whimsical and open you are. He may have been a bit put off by your joking about with Kili and Fili at the start, but you have him charmed a few days into your journey. You talk about books and plants and really, anything at all, and by day six you think you may have found a new life-long friend in Bilbo.

But even though you're now spending your time getting to know someone new, you're still as observant as ever, and you notice - of course you do - that the closer you get to Bilbo, the less you see of Fili. Kili is always close by and you certainly spend at least half of your time joking about with him, but whenever you ride or walk next to Bilbo, talking and laughing, Fili seems to disappear somewhere into the background, so much so that you actually have to search for him to spot him. It hurts, a bit, because you can't seem to pinpoint just what's wrong for a while. Wasn't everything just fine when you started out on this journey? Had you said something, done something wrong? You knew this kind of thing from your parents, but never from Fili, especially because he knew about... well, about everything, really, so he knew just how sensitive you could be about things like these. You did your best not to let it bother you too much.

Instead, you focused on Bilbo. He was funny and sweet, intelligent and understanding and for as much as you love the dwarves, for as much as you love your kin, you like that he's not as rough and intense. He's different. And maybe you're a bit different than the rest of the dwarves, too - you'd always been a bit slimmer and smaller and more petite than the rest and maybe that had shaped your personality in some way, too, you weren't sure. Maybe that's why the two of you grew so close in such short time.

You express your feelings for him quite the same way you do for everyone: loud and chaotic, just the way you are. You tell him that he's funny and sweet, intelligent and understanding because that's exactly how you show people that you like them, so, well, you do. But every time when, in the spur of the moment, you give Bilbo a friendly compliment, out of the corner of your eyes you see Fili scoff. You frown and try not to interpret too much into it, but it's hard - after all, you've been doing nothing but interpret and think and imagine because you've kept all of your feelings for Fili bottled up inside of you for your entire life, analysing and wondering if maybe, just maybe, there was a tiny little chance that he liked you that way, too. Not that you've ever really found anything. He was always just Fili.

But not this time. No, not this time. This time he's scoffing and turning away and staring gloomily at you when he thinks you don't notice because you're too deep in conversation with Bilbo. You do, though, definitely, because he's not being as secretive as he thinks he is. You watch him argue with Kili one evening, which you're sure hasn't happened this severely in years. Simply put, he's being weird.

He stomps off and Kili plops down next to you right after - you ask, of course, what's wrong with his brother, but you've asked Kili multiple times already and he simply won't tell you. And as much as Fili's behaviour is upsetting you, you won't go up to him either, because you're not that kind of person that pushes others - you're not even really angry, you rarely are, because whatever the reason is why Fili is behaving this way, there surely is a reason and you know him well enough to be aware that it's a good one too.

It all comes to an end in Rivendell. Most of the dwarves are in a bad mood, Bilbo hasn't been as ecstatic the entire journey and Gandalf seems to be much happier here than travelling, so the company is a bit split when it comes to their opinions on this place. You don't mind it much. You like being clean for once. Bathing had become a luxury. So while the dwarves keep complaining and brooding moodily, you're talking happily with Bilbo and Gandalf.

The elves seem a bit put off by you, but you're used to that, and after a night in Rivendell, when the dwarves have started brooding less and - well, no, they're still complaining just as much - some of the elves are conversing more and more with you. Maybe it's because you're spending most of your time with Bilbo and Gandalf (and Elrond in tow) or maybe it's because you're open and friendly, but either way you're meeting new people left and right. And that's when Fili's behaviour changes yet again.

Instead of staying out of your space and scoffing, suddenly he's by your side everywhere you go, every step you take. You're happy at first, excited that he so surprisingly comes back to you (now you're glad that you weren't all that angry in the first place), but it becomes clear after a few minutes already that he's not there to talk to you very much. It seems that he's made it his mission to stand gloomily beside you, glare at everybody who comes close to you and generally answer everything you say to him with an unmotivated "hmpf". It irritates you.

But when you get woken up by an annoyingly loud knock in the middle of the night, that's it for you. You open the door to see Fili and you're not even angry, you're really just... tired. In every sense. He's standing there in his night clothes and he seems to have had an epiphany of some sort, he looks starstruck and you're so done. You're so done you just pull him in, close the door, get back in bed, pat the empty space next to you and tell him that if he wants to talk, he should do it quickly, before you fall asleep again.

He stands in the middle of your room for so long you've actually almost fallen asleep again when he speaks up. Stuttering, which isn't what you're used to at all when it comes to him, and stumbling over his words, admitting that he's been acting stupid, that he's been acting dumb, admitting that the reason, that reason that you were sure was there, is that he's in love with you. Deeply, desperately, for so long he can't remember a time when he wasn't.

You don't really think you've heard him right but you also don't care. It's too late, you're too tired, he's looking too warm and broad and comfortable and before you can think about much anything, you've reached for him and guided him to your bed and cuddled up to him - he smells familiar, he feels safe, and he's reaching his arms around you and placing a kiss on your hair and telling you good night and somewhere in your hazy mind, you recognise the weird feeling in your stomach as butterflies.

The next morning, you wake up warm and cozy and when you open your eyes, you're facing Fili. You're actually, honestly, truly facing Fili. It takes two seconds to register. Then you feel his breath on your lips and his forehead against yours and your eyes fall closed all by themselves as you listen to him ask if he can kiss you now. You let him. Of course you let him.

You actually do talk it out that morning, though. Between a lot of kisses and a lot of cuddling, there's also a lot of talking. You're a bit nervous (even though that feeling settles after about the third or fourth kiss) but Fili has always been good at convincing you that you were brave and strong enough to do anything, and with the rhythmic stroke of his hand on your arm, the way he beams at you when he makes you giggle, how happily he listens to you talk, all of that convinces you in just a few hours how very right you were to pine for him your entire life.

When you don't show up for breakfast, you guess the others were worried some elf had killed you in your sleep, so Kili comes knocking on your door some time before noon. In full Kili fashion, he doesn't really knock at all, he more like just comes barging into your room, so you have barely enough time to look up before he stands at the foot of your bed with a dumb grin on his face that tells you he was very much aware of what was going on with his brother the past few weeks.

You don't mind. You don't really mind anything anymore. Because you spend your days in Fili's arms now, with his hand in yours and courting braids in your hair, and you're happier than you've ever been before. Now the people you'd always considered family more than your real family did become your real family, a few years after you'd recovered Erebor, on the day that you marry Fili. The happiest day of your life, because Fili made you feel exactly the way you'd always wished he would, because he was exactly what you'd always wanted, because you loved him. And because he loved you.

[mydigitaldiaryz]

Entry Log # 3

TW ; More depictions of suicide/suicidal ideation , SH , and obviously depressive topics again if you couldn't tell . 😅

Another ramble about my life . I'd say this time I'm just spilling all my thoughts right into this post . It's going to be a medium length I'd say this time , but I'll leave it under the more to the people who would like to read it .

I truly believe that the weight of living will crush me very soon . It's like each day that passes , the more it becomes unbareable for me to even wake up . It's so difficult knowing that I have to even get up from my bed , or do human functions like socializing , showering , or other stuff like that . Each day feels like torture that I unfortunately have to handle , like my head and body is a chamber that I want to escape out of but I can't , as all I can do is meaninglessly claw at the confines of what I call myself . It's like a burning hot pain with each movement I do , instead of laying lifelessly on my bed .

Even when I do feel like doing something , it's just so boring and unintresting . I can't help but feel disconnected to whatever I do . Even when speaking to friends it feels so empty , doing things that I used to love feels so meaningless .. It's really just everything at this point . Nothing is entertaining . Nothing is fun anymore . I don't have any passions . I feel absolutely nothing .

Sometimes , I do get that spark of joy or pleasure , but it's only for a fleeting moment , before I get met with that stupid buzzing of white noise in my chest and a blank mind like usual , ( although there is also so much things running through my head , it makes it feel so fuzzy that I can't even think straight ) . I only do somethings just to get that quick feeling of happiness , but yet now I find that none of it really works anymore . It's really just not the same . I feel so unhappy all the time , and it feels like I can never really get fixed .

My life is just so meaningless . I keep repeating that word in my paragraphs , but please understand , that's how it describes my life . Absolutely meaningless . I am worth nothing to nobody and anybody . I disappoint everybody I meet and know as I fail to reach all their expectations they have for me . It's like I'm nothing , and I wish to feel nothing too , and I do , most of the time , but at the same time I am ran through with a complex set of emotions , feeling all of them at once . It's so confusing , I don't even know where to start . I just feel so much things at once , but nothing at the same time , to put it simple . It's like my mind is always spinning and running with ideas that empty as quick as it appears . There's really so much that I want to say when it comes to my mind , but it comes out so small when I really do speak my mind . It's hard explaining how I really feel to people when thats how I feel , all the time . It kind of hurts knowing I barely get understood with the way I think and speak . It's almost annoying and it makes me dislike myself .

I just can't see any point in living anymore . Each day , it's this severe struggle I cant get out of . Like I've climbed into a hole and I can't climb my way back out . Or it feels like I'm drowning , my entire mind swimming and my body sluggish and slow under all these bodies of water . I wish I just never existed in the first place . I wish I could have just lived my life in peace . I wish I could have stayed the same . I just wish I could be something else other than this . The body I was forced to live in . The mind I have to stick with . It's all just so disgusting to me , I feel repulsed .

There's nothing I can really cope with either . I used to cut , well I still technically do as I did it earlier but I won't count it since it wasn't as much as my other cuts . I'm trying to go into recovery . I'm trying to get better , but that really was my only solution . Nothing else helps me , no matter what .

I wish I could get better . I just want to know what's wrong with me atleast . I want to understand what's going on .

God . I wish I could just die . I'm going to sleep . It's 10:36 PM , and I just put my laundry in the dryer . Thank you for reading .

[bladeoftruths]

ok so while im at it i guess i'll just share my thoughts on ff16's story overall since i have a fair share of yays, nays and other abt it. SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!

the yays:

- the prologue is still a banger no matter how many times u watch it. it was such a solid opening.

- cid's arc is a banger, even tho im sad that he died halfway thru the story but this is final fantasy. your cid can either live or die so that mid could run, or vice versa.

- jill's arc is my favourite. killing your abuser is ok but again, i have a bias with her.

- i like that they give each of the main cast a time to spend with clive in respective arcs.

- kaiju battles. yes i am a sucker for that. i grew up watching tokusatsu so this is nothing new to me. titan fight is my favourite among all, bahamut second.

- clive and jill's slowburn romance is just AUGHENSKSKDKS I FRICKIN LOVE IT. the mutual pining, the slowburn and the payoff just feels... AUGHHHHHH GRAAAAHHHHH SO EFFING GOOD I CANT DESCRIBE IT IN WORDS *eats a brick everytime i see them hold hands, hug or kiss*

- the worldbuilding is also good especially in the sidequests.

- i like how they portrayed dion and terence's relationship. its not everyday u get to see a well written gay relationship that didnt feel fetishized. we need more of this. also they are both childhood pals to lovers so it hits a soft spot on me.

- the side characters are also loveable in their own right!! enough to be in the top 10 even.

- i think im lowkey glad that they decided to go for an all white/white passing cast for the game bcos god some parts of the game is super fucked up esp wrt the bearers and how the ppl of valisthea treated them. i cannot imagine the sheer backlash yoshiP and his team will get if they have a brown/black/asian character in especially if they are bearers/dominants :')

nays:

- i didnt like how benedikta just comes and goes at the same arc. like i really wish we get to know her more or at least, after she went berserk she could at least be saved so that cid could take her in and we get to know her more. GIVE US A DLC, CBU3!!!

- waloed arc to me is my biggest downer. i want to know more abt waloed. i want to know more about barnabas and how did he get influenced by ultima. the part after jill gives away shiva's power to clive at the shadow coast just... drops and until they arrived at drake's spine it just feels... eh to me. kinda like the idyllshire/hinterlands arc in HW (given that ff16 story is written by the same guy who wrote HW in FFXIV, i am not even surprised).

- i understand that they want to make waloed and origin arc the time where clive and joshua finally gets to bond together but damn i wish they didnt just leave out jill like that in the last two arcs. poor girl, let her fight even tho she can no longer use her eikon power anymore.

- i know i have beef with waloed arc but god, odin fight is so underwhelming. no kaiju battle??? i sleep.

- i want to know more abt the rest of the dominants apart from the rosfield bros!! jill's life before she was sent to rosaria, dion in general, kupka's backstory and his relationship with benedikta, cid in general, benedikta again and again, barnabas. hell, i also wanna know more abt leviathan. GIVE US THE DLC OR FIT IN THEIR LORE IN THE ULTIMANIA!!!

- i think most of us agree that the sidequests were better at telling the worldbuilding and character insight more than the msq itself. the msq focused a little too much on clive over how he and the comrades react to the world around them.

- i think we also agree that we need more characters bantering over each other especially the dominants. im sad that dion didnt get to interact with clive and jill more, nor even we get to see the rosaria trio bantering and reminiscing the good times together at the hideaway.

other thoughts:

- i'm very mixed abt the ending tbh. i like the ambiguity and open endedness a la FF tactics but at the same time WTF??? i was high on copium when i first see thru the ending but now that i looked back my brain is just on hopium. im just gonna cling to the subtle hints that were mentioned in the game where they point out clive, dion and joshua SOMEHOW survived.

- i dont get people saying that ff16 didnt feel like final fantasy... like all FFs are different in its own right?? ff15 is like contemporary modern meets fantasy, ff6 is steampunk fantasy, ff4 is fantasy with airship... the settings are different sure but as long as you have crystals being the core part of the story, as well as anime fights with giant monsters and summons plus its own unique FF-schtick its still a final fantasy.

- i also dont get the hate on 16 for being more game of thrones-ish... like this is not the first FF to have gone this route. you have effing FF tactics being the first one to do that. the only difference is how they present it. i personally feel that 16 deserves the M-rating so much bcos of how technological advances gives you more creative freedom on how u want to tell the story. back in the day you could only work with what u have so yasumi matsuno really had to restrict with how he want to write the story for tactics. also his writing inspired the ff16 writing team a lot if u notice. and while this is not the first final fantasy game to get an M-rating (FFO did it first) it is the first mainline to get one.

overall i think the game isnt bad nor is it perfect. it manages to hit the right spot but at the same time i have my fair share of nitpicks. i just hope that it makes enough sales on ps5 and wait for the announcement of a pc release bcos god i would still love to play this game even if i probably suck at action rpg games.

----

omake: my favourites among the cast overall:

boys (top 5):

- dion, clive, cid, joshua, gav (bonus: byron)

girls (top 5):

- jill, mid, tarja, martha, isabelle 'the dame' (im so sorry benedikta u deserved better :'))

all (top 5)

- jill, dion, clive, cid, joshua

i have a soft spot for jill bcos she is very much reminded me of ysayle and im weak to ice coded ladies, and dion is just aymeric but a dragoon and bahamut fucker. i know what u did there CBU3

and this comes to no surprise but i fucking love clive/jill. i am weak to childhood pals to lovers with a mix of mutual pining and angsty slowburn romance, and they just hit the right spot for me. im so glad they managed to pull off an adult slowburn romance for them so well auuughhhhhh

[dungeonsdragonstdelinquents]

anderperry fic rec

hi! if youre seeing this, i actually answered this in an ask but i think i accidentally deleted it bc i literally cant find it, so im repost it here. im keeping my intro of my ask just bc i gave some backround about the fics i listed. happy reading!!

Hi thank you for the ask!! Oh goodness my favorite dps fics…I will include in general fics that I liked, but the ones that I have placed an asterisk with are pieces that had me–for lack of a better phrase–crying, screaming, shitting on the floor from how poetic they made me feel. Which really doesn't make much sense, but when i say poetry within me i just mean this strange feeling that is difficult to describe. Also these are all anderperry because i am a basic bitch, so apologies if you were looking for any other pairs! Maybe after finals I will look into some of the other pairs and put together a list for them too :)

(in no particular order)

What We Stay Alive For **** by PiscesVanity on ao3, 18/18 chaps, 66,485 words.

Summary: “Do we get second chances in this life, Todd?” Neil asks him like he expects a negative answer. Todd doesn’t give that to him.

“Yes. we do. I know it.” 

“Do you?” Neil grins, playfully elbowing him. “Did you at least wait to take it? That second chance? Until the world was more peaceful? More kind?” 

Ten years after the death of Neil Perry, Todd Anderson wakes up with a second chance.

My notes: This incredibly crafted piece of art was the first dead poets fic I ever read. It honestly set the bar for me, for future reads. Also i didn’t have the chance to reread this one because this baby is long as FUCK and as much as I love long fics to read, I have to study for finals today so I can’t right now. I’m like 80% sure this is the fic where they confess by the lake and say something along the lines of “if you feel something even similar to what i feel…” but again i can’t be sure. Either way all I remember is that this fic is fricken good. Just for context, this is a time-traveling fic, but the type of time travel that happens in 13-going-on-30. Todd prays for a second chance on the eve of the 10 year anniversary of Neil’s death and he wakes up in his 17 year old body, on the day that he started school at Hell-ton. I think in general I just love the dead poets fandom because it combines some of my favorite tropes in any form of reading–50s/60s time period, boarding schools, and well…being gay. It is a fix-it so there is some angst, but there is a happy ending. But it will hit hard, especially since it comes close in the end so be wary. When I first started it, I was concerned about my own interest dwindling because the fic was going to cover the entirety of the movie, and since I have issues rereading or rewatching pieces of media when I know the end or the majority of it, I didn’t know if I was going to last. But the author of this stunning work (I know it sounds cheesy BUT IT IS) crafted it in a way that didn’t leave me bored. Even though several lines were pulled from the movie due to it being a time travel fic I still felt involved and captured by the story. It was comforting at the beginning to see how Charlie and Todd took care of each other after Neil’s death, and it was also intriguing to see how Todd almost started where he left off with Neil when he went back in time. He was more open than he had been prior, but eventually had settled back into his ‘old’ personality that he had before his first encounters with the poets. 

to be alone with you by wordshakers on ao3, 1/1 chaps, 3,602 words.

Summary: “Thursday evenings were, unequivocally, Neil’s favorite part of the week.

On the surface, the explanation for this was simple enough. It was his opportunity to turn his focus entirely to the topic that made him happiest: Shakespeare. He savored the time he was able to spend sitting out on the dock, overlooking the lake, reading and reciting the words he loved so much.

The other reason–perhaps the more prominent one–Neil wasn’t able to explain quite as easily. In fact, he could hardly admit it to himself. Thursday evenings…they meant being alone with Todd.

An anderperry first kiss fic, set in a near-canon universe of the film (minus the death). Fluffy mutual pining.

My notes: I can’t recall everything about this one because my mind has been scrambled the last few days, but it is fluffy, it is cute, and it has Todd and Neil practicing lines together–what more could you want? 

letters to my dearest beloved ****by UniversalSatan on ao3, 4/4 chaps, 34,162 words.

Summary: 

“My dearest beloved,

It is with great relief that I finally write to you. I think it doubtful for my words to ever reach your ears, but spare me this chance to lend you a piece of my thoughts–and only a piece, for I must write with caution lest I be discovered.

Neil, amidst his own internal emotional conflict, accidentally stumbles upon letters Todd had been writing in secret to an unknown recipient. Neil (an idiot) continues to intrude on Todd’s privacy by reading each new letter in secret, continuously agitating over their purpose.”

My notes: I’m not 100% sure how well this fic is known because as I stated in the post you mentioned I am extremely new to this fandom, I think I only watched the movie the Saturday before last. Let me tell you, my heart was beating all over the place during this. I cannot believe the audacity of Neil! I don’t want to spoil it because it’s literally a masterpiece, like this should be published and printed and given awards to–the letters and the imagery in them were so *shakes author like a squeaky toy* I LOVE YOUUUU RAHHHHH. Anything i have to say just will not convey how fucking amazing this fic is. Please go read it if you haven’t. And also Neil is an oblivious little man in this fic, the best type of Neil.

A Midnight Summer’s Dream: A Story of Hope (chapter 2 specifically) by cc tinselbee (thearchivistonmars)

Summary: (my words) an almost main au that will tear your fucking soul from your body. Beautiful, amazing, life altering, makes me cry in the best way. The bittersweetness of it all is POTENT. It is an Almost Maine au (I am scared to look into almost maine now from how heartbreaking this fic was. I have only read the SECOND chapter, I’m sure the first chapter is magnificent but as of now I am in the midst of finals so I will check it out when I am done.)

My notes: Someone printed out this fic, tied it to a brick, and threw it into the window of my heart, shattering my soul into pieces. How could you do this to be, author? This piece has me able to physically feel my brain putting up barriers to stop thinking about the ending that is implied. Nope, nope, nope. If you are one for incurable angst, please go ahead and enjoy. It’s a wonderful story and it evoked emotions in me that I couldn’t even stand. The author is very talented for this and I’m manifesting that alternative/possible happy ending they mentioned in their notes/comments. I haven’t read the first chapter, so this is specifically about the second one because up until a few moments ago I didn’t realize that there was a first chapter–I clicked on the link to the fic from the author’s tumblr and was sleep deprived and thought it was the beginning of the fic 🙂

Gentle Lover, Remedy ****by violet_sunset on ao3. 1/1 chap, 13,135 words.

Summary: “Todd’s first semester at Welton marks the moment he stops going to church. There are regular Masses offered in the chapel, but whenever Todd thinks about going he’s overwhelmed by nausea and has to hover in the bathrooms until he is sure he won’t vomit. When he was a kid and he thought God was just a pair of arms open in embrace, he would have jumped at the chance to attend, to sing from the hymnal and listen to homily and absorb the sacrament of blood and body. Now, God seems like a distant thing.”

My notes: HOLY FUCK, RELIGIOUS GUILT MY BELOVED. That’s one of my favorite tags to see in a work, and it isn’t often that I have seen it in some of the pairings that I like. Of course, with religious guilt comes internalized homophobia and period typical attitudes–the fic actually made use of words used in that time period that were used to refer to queer folk, so if any of those trigger you please be wary as well. I love, love, LOVE the usage of religious metaphors and words that are littered all around in this piece as well as the descriptions that show Todd’s pathway of his beliefs. As we know Todd has a deeply ingrained inferiority complex and WOW does it shine in this fic. It made me cry feeling the second-hand guilt that Todd feels. Also, the author tackled the controversy of appropriation in the film–meaning Charlie’s preference of the name Nuwanda–and expanded on his ethnic background which was really nice to read. They also touched upon Charlie’s relation to gender and (semi-canonical?) non-binaryness (it's a word because I say so) in a beautiful and delicate way that is very rare in most works that I have seen. In general there are very few fics that I have read that have included Charlie as being anything other than cisgender, so it was wonderful to see it included in this work. As well as this, Todd having a panic attack/sensory overload when a certain ginger starts being homophobic was incredibly well written and it felt like it captured those feelings that you have during an overwhelmingly stressful moment, though that is an understatement. Todd’s inability to realize just what the fuck is going on and being sort of spacey during it all–been there and done that baby. This author is so fucking talented, and this is probably my favorite dps fic of all time. I dont have the words to effectively describe how amazing it is, so if you are able to, I highly suggest reading it to experience it for yourself :)

It’s Rotten Work by cc tinslebee (the archivistonmars) on ao3, 1/1 chap, 2,774 words.

Summary:

 “I was hoping…” Neil peered back up at him with those fervent eyes before he broke his inconspicuous character and cracked a smile, “my favorite scene partner would help me test it out?”

In the midst of Todd’s continual crisis of what exactly Neil’s ‘no’ means, Neil asks him to read from a scene from Orestes. You know, for practice.

My notes: Short and utterly sweet. I love reading pieces that just show how much characters love each other whether it’s platonic, romantic, or somewhere in between. I’ve always been one for a slowburn, and it wasn’t until I realized that I was aromantic that the reason I love that trope is because in between the first ‘hello’ and the inevitable kiss, that love that I read about was similar to how I felt. Just a simple fondness that the characters had for each other that made them feel alive and safe etc. I could go on forever about that, but what I mean to say is that this fic captured that feeling of affection in a fleeting moment between Neil and Todd, and I think it’s lovely.

The Pepper Ghost Effect by Anonymous on ao3, 6/6 chaps, 19,472 words.

Summary: 

“1964. Todd Anderson, now a successful playwright, whisks away an old flame from a horrifying mental asylum. That old flame, Neil Perry, becomes Todd’s new muse.”

Notes: Beware of the tags. It is a very angst ridden fic that addressed Neil’s mental health and the possibilities of what could have happened if he survived his first attempt on his life. Key word, first attempt. There is period-typical homophobia, past abusive partners, and ableism and abuse stemming from the sanitarium that [spoiler] is placed in for some time. There is a happy ending, so it’s not just angst and I feel that this fic is severely underrated. There are like only 24 kudos on it right now and 4 comments which?? What?? It’s an absolute masterpiece, and effectively captures the feeling and emotion of hopelessness and depression of a situation. Neil’s emotional response and numbness to everything around him resonated with me and I felt like it described my own brush with darkness from the lower points in my life. Read at your own risk and don’t push yourself if any of the tags may be triggering, but if you are able to this is a wonderful read that will elicit all sorts of feelings in your heart.

In the Subjunctive by ghostlin on ao3, 1/1 chaps, 5682 words.

Summary:

“The night the play opens, Neil turns left.”

My notes: This is a sort of fix-it fic with Neil coming back to the dorms after his fight with his father. It leaves off sort of ambiguous–and I do adore a good ambiguous ending–leaving the reader to imagine a happy ending. I consider it a happy ending because Neil is alive, but he is less than well mentally as of what he has endured. It also centered some on Charlie and Neil in the aftermath of it all which I enjoyed because I feel that sometimes fics forget that they are all friends. Todd wasn’t the only one mourning Neil–they all were. Also I liked the way the author captured the surprise of Charlie’s acceptance of Neil’s sexuality amongst the blunt hatred of the time. Often I feel like some fics don’t try to keep the edge of fear or vulnerability that that time period called for–which is totally fine! You do you, boo. I just have a preference for it because I feel that it almost adds to an ambiguous read of a situation. I also liked how the author wrote about Todd’s perception of Charlie and how he perceives him–whether or not Todd is supposed to be unreliable (I think it’s made somewhat clear that Charlie likes Todd–he wouldn't be encouraging Neil to spill his feelings if he didn’t) in his narration.

[thatdesklamp]

OK I JUST WANNA SAY HOW IN LOVE I AM WITH YOUR WRITING LIKE IT GENUINELY MAKES ME FEEL EMOTIONS I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL AND MY HEART FEELS SO FULL AND LIKE ITS GONNA BURST OUT OF MY CHEST AND IM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH YOUR WRITING STYLE AND THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE THE CHARACTERS WITH SO MUCH DETAIL AND HOW YOURE SO REALISTIC WITH THEIR EMOTIONS AND HOW THAT AFFECTS THEM. IM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH THE SLOWBURN AND EVERY CHAPTER MAKES ME WANNA DANCE AROUND OR CURL UP IN MY BED AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP. I CANT EVEN FIND THE WORDS TO EXPLAIN HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I FEEL NOSTALGIC EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME AND OMG ALL THE LITTLE DETAILS YOU ADD LIKE THE MUSCLE THAT TWITCHES IN HIS CHEEK AND THE LITTLE SCAR ON HIS JAW AND THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE LOVE AND I LOVE YOU. READING THIS FIC MAKE ME LOVE YOU LIKE IM SO DEADASS I CANT EVEN LIE ABOUT IT LIKE I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. But yeah please enjoy my burst of emotions I genuinely do not know what to feel and that means you’re doing something right👍 feel free to ignore all the bs I just wrote all you need to get from that is that I love you and you’re writing style. I would absolutely love to get some tips from you for writing if that’s possible I’ve always wanted to make a little fanfic just for myself but every time I start writing it just sounds like a two year old found their moms computer💀💀💀 anyways I love you❤️❤️❤️

AHHHH

THANK YOU!! All of the things you're complimenting are things that I genuinely try really hard to do, so it's so so nice to hear that it's coming across well. And the little details too! I'm often so worried that it's not detailled enough, yk--like, there isn't enough 'background' information about them both, and so I wouldn't be able to make the characters feel as 'real' as they should be.

I'm also glad that you like the slowburn, becasue baby so do I and we're in for a long one! Lolol. But this fic has turned strangely into a character study of them both, which wasn't really intended; but writing this has somehow given me an insight into both of their characters, more helpfully Gojo's. Although I always say that I feel IW Gojo is quite significantly different to jjk canon Gojo--mainly because canon Gojo is lonely lonely lonely, and IW has his 'person'--but I think I still try to work at it, you know? So yeah. Nice nice nice!!

Writing tips—I’ve given some in this reply here but I’m going to do a whole writing advice post in more detail directly after this one (here it is, since I’ve had the request a few times now, counting both ao3 and tumblr, lol. Most are just tips I’ve stolen from other people across the years that I’ve found actually work, over all the billions of other wank writing advice things you get. But, honestly, the only piece of advice you ever really need is JUST WRITE!!! PRACTISE!!! YOU WILL GET BETTER, I PROMISE!!!

Everyone's sounds a bit rubbish when they get started (dear lord, mine did), but if you keep on writing and keep on enjoying it I promise you will get better. It's very flattering that you asked, though, and I'll post something proper too.

Thank you for the lovely words (and the declaration of love--very flattering) <3

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[ghostbergara]

Blue and maybe midnight for one ask game, 🔥 for the other

Have a nice day/good night!

aw thank you, right back at ya!

for 🔥 i think it actually changed quite a lot! so this might be long because im not good at making..words..short? (i dont speak english sdbjk)

I realized I was queer around when i was 12-13, i had always felt.. off? Different? I think in the same way i've heard a lot of other queer people describe. I also grew up in a very small conservative town and we moved when i was 12 so now thinking about it, that change in environment probably allowed me to figure myself out a little bit more. Now 12 might seem young to some people, but i honestly probably should have known sooner i was trans, actually i think i knew, i just didn't have the language. Before i knew my mom had talked a lot about how much will power can accomplice and i thought if i just wanted it hard enough i would wake up a boy (which obviously didn't work so i woke up disappointed every morning). I went as far as to pray??? to god??? i am NOT religious and i never was (which actually got a me in trouble in school a few times but thats another story) asking them to make me a boy (which unsurprisingly also didn't work). I think if i remember correctly i found out about trans-ness mainly from Sam Collins (who is a trans youtuber) which then led me in a spiral of googling and watching everything i could about being trans and how to know if you're trans. I even made a Pros and Cons list of reasons i was and wasn't trans??? (I cant find it anymore but the cons list only had one thing and i cant even remember what it was) Then after some time i sent a video by sam collins where he talks about being trans with his mom, to my dad! He was very supportive until he wasn't and thats also another story. He then told my mom for me and they ended up both being very unsupportive for a very long time.

ANYWAY im getting off track from the question. I didn't have much energy to focus on anything other than staying alive for a very very long time and in turn didnt have the energy to even think much about my identity (i was out as trans and so on). Now in recent years first of all my mom has become very supportive and im doing worlds better and ive finally gotten through the system and gotten hormones and later this year i have my first top surgery consultation. I've figured out my sexuality (or i though i had, i dont know, i like men and maybe more??? Im either gay or bi). Experienced tons of trans and homophobia and most importantly really feel like i've entered the community.

HERES WHERE I ACTUALLY ANSWER THE QUESTION

Now i think i feel more 'free'? Being queer definently makes me feel like i can really be who i want to be, like i'm not defined by stereotypes and stupid cis-straight 'rules' that i dont understand. I'm grateful for the experiences it's brought me, both positive and negative, because it's made me more empathetic and im better dressed for helping and talking with other queer and in some ways even just generally marginalized people. I'm also very aware of the impact i can have as a queer person, both on other queer people and on straight people. I tend to like to wear at least one thing that will mark me as queer in at least other queer peoples eyes because that for them often means safe and not alone. I know from first hand experience how scary it can be to be queer out in the world and if i can bring even the slightest relief to people i will. I certainly feel more at ease when theres other queer people around. When it comes to impact on straight people it's the way i know i can make them understand more and sometimes take the burden off a newly-out queer person by answering some of the questions they have instead of them asking that newly-out person. Of course i have also gotten the "I thought trans people were freaks until i met you, but you're just like normal" which while it sucks at least they hopefully in the future will be more open.

I feel like im more in a way. I have an impact on the world and a possibility to help others like me in a way that is so meaningful and i cherish that.

what colors am i?

LGBTQ+/Queer Themed Asks

[pashminalamb]

Oh ew the OF accounts and sex bots are completely getting out of hand. I haven’t been notified of any new followers but I don’t trust tumblr to do so. I’m have to gonna check on that soon 🙄🙄.

And seriously for what reason are people flagging down your works for like 😭😭?? It literally makes no sense??? Some people are so rude and mean and spiteful for no reason like. Do better or screw off unintentionally quoting Ego here I’m sorry that this happened to you, it really sucks.

Ever since break started I’ve been in a kind of limbo. It feels so surreal not having any work to do. I mean I do have basic chores to do today like the laundry and vacuuming and stuff but besides that it’s a free day. I am. Very very very. Temped to start reading the blue lock manga. I know I said I’d wait for the anime to finish but like I need something to do 😭😭. I was starting my first TR reread since the last chapter but I only got in 3 chapters before I started sobbing and I haven’t even gotten to Akkuns first death or met Mikey and Draken for the first time again yet. I’m gonna have to chunk my way through it while sobbing and taking so many breaks because I will seriously never recover from this manga. OH AND I LOVE CHIFUYUS BIRTHDAY ART. Wakui continuing to attest that yes takefuyu are still canon in the reset timeline. It’s such a relief for me because those two are my comfort duo 😭😭😭. I also want to finish Chainsaw Man soon. I stopped at around volume 9 because I’m broke and was reading it at the bookstore and all I can say is that this series is definitely getting a reread cause I love analyzing strange works and concepts. THE MAITAKE COVER ASJKGFJKHFFGGG. The way I screeched when I first saw it like. I love how you worded it, they literally look like royalty together UGH. Suffice to say that yes maitake fans has a field day with the cover of volume 31 😌😌. I cant wait for the inside cover to be revealed. My prediction/demand is that it’s gonna be then as children childhood-friends-to-lovers. But I guess we’ll see.

Anyways. How are you Belle? Doing better I hope? How’s uni? Oh and when does your winter break start? How’s life? Im so happy tumblr is being cooperative now and letting you see my tagged posts 😭😭. Sorry for the constant tagging tho, there’s just so much I wanna share and I see something and I’m like “oh I wanna show this to Belle” you know? Oh and im so glad you liked that Oliver drabble 🥹🥹. I’ve got another one in mind for him but this time it might be a little more ✨spicy✨ so stay tuned 👀👀😌. I hope you have a great day and that the caramel frappuccino tasted great!!! *sending many virtual hugs*

- ✨ anon

Istg- i got followed by accounts from Czechia and Carolina this morning. Alright, I made my pinned post of Gojo's OF account but this is a writing blog; not even an OF promotion blog (╥﹏╥) unless... i draw some stuff

Tumblr decided to not let me post my rant- so here’s what I had to say

I revisited my childhood with watching DBZ... (i knew i said i would start one piece but the gym bro-ness got the better of me and i started watching it) someone please explain why does Goku's voice sound... i don't know how to describe it. i was so shocked about his voice, i was planning on watching the dub instead cause of it *crying* Honestly, Wakui did a really good job with the cover. Even when I was reading mangas online - I was so awed by the covers of the manga and when TR was on its peak here, i saw a lot of spoilers for bonten mikey. I never liked mikey... but this made me change my mind. And they (like every cover character i saw up until the Brahman arc looked like royalty. Even hanma-) I'm doing well! Contemplating to change the blog theme for some reason. It's not gonna be aiku ofc- he gets 0 screen time cause he hasn't come back from italy and i am mad at him with part 1 to ocean hues I'm on my winter break actually and omw back home. Fifa knocked the wind out of me. I feel sad cause Mbappé played really well (and he was sad too when they lost), i literally went to go keep my plate and he scored in 97 seconds of the first goal T.T . But i'm also really happy for Argentina cause its the first time in 36 years since Maradona that they have won the Wc and i cried cause they were crying on the field not to mention the fact that Messi played in their team as well - so it was bittersweet ending but also very well deserved! And yes i am a football head I can't see you in my activity still (maybe your visibility switch is off? i'm not sure) but i do get the number on my activity and that's how ik that you're there (⑅ •͈ᴗ•͈ ) I actually don't mind being tagged! and I enjoy the things you have to show me as well ૮⸝⸝> ̫ <⸝⸝ ა (i saw some stuff where you tagged me- i'll be answering those soon, promise i'm not ignoring you ૮(˶˃ᆺ˂˶)ა ) I. absolutely. loved. the Oliver drabble ˃̵ᴗ˂̵. I still read it btw, cause it is absolutely precious. the deer headrest and the fact he wants to be a good boy made me go (๑✪ᆺ✪๑) did you say spicy 💀 *here lies Isabelle Aiku; beloved wife of Oliver Aiku who is unaware that he is married to her- * Starry you're gonna make me combust from the heat *sending back bear hugs*

*my man is so handsome (>﹏<) and yours is too*