#and yes it's a kpop song deal with it you knew what you was getting into as my header is a gif of BTS

[rebelangelsims]

I have an idea but I don't know how this is going to work but listening to I love my body by HWASA I want simmers to show off their sims loving their bodies, just a fun little thing to showcase different body types (made possible with mod creators)

And I want you guys to tag it as sims 4 I Love My Body

The song ^^ for inspiration and lyrics

[bteezxyewriter12]

Cowboy

Pairing- San x Named Reader

Word count- 3.3k

Includes- Fluff, cock riding, squirting, multiple orgasms

Tag List- @mingtina @jaxxmine @yeosayang @delightfulmoonbanana @tannie13 @y00nzin0 @marsstarxhwa

@yeosxxx @seokwoosmole @jjongsbebe @wisejudgedragonhairdo @meowmeowminnie @woo-stars @borntowalkaway @usagionthered @san-realblkwife @seonghwasstar @jejeyeppeo @soulseobi05 @kpop-bambi @prayerofthehaim @realisticnotes @pinkies-things @insomniacatiny @stephy-nicole13

Masterlists- check out for more fics

📝Masterlists 📝ATEEZ Masterlist 📝San Masterlist

J POV

My mouth drops as I watch San dance, hip thrust and body roll to Psy's That That

He told me he's dressing as a cowboy for this performance and asked me to come to the award show to watch him from ATEEZ's viewing/dressing room

He was so excited for this and the huge smile on his face confirms how much fun he's having

And I'm having fun watching him

Fun and horny

The leather vest showing his abs is so hot, the cowboy hat he's wearing contrasting his sexiness with cuteness

San has always had that duality that has driven me crazy in our eighteen years of friendship

How he's able to turn his sexiness on and off is a special power I have never figured out nor have I figured out how to be immune to it

I should be

He's my best friend, I grew up with him, saw him be such a freaking dork in school, saw him go through puberty when his voice always cracked, he grew taller and lanky and helped him pop his acne when it appeared

Granted he saw me in my dork years too but he hasn't fallen for me like I have for him

I always knew San was perfect for me

From when I was little, I used to tell him, my mom, his mom, our friends that I was going to marry him when I grew up

No chance of that ever happening

Whatever, it's something I have to deal with alone and in secret

Because I will never breathe a word of my love for him

Never

I keep my eyes on him, getting more and more turned on, my panties wetter every second

When he raises his arms, his vest rides up higher and his abs are out and fuck me, I just want to lick them, kiss them, touch them aaaannnd I need to stop

He throws his cowboy hat in the air with the rest of the idols dancing to the song, a huge smile on his face as the music stops

He is so fucking beautiful it's stupid

He leaves the stage with the other idols and I wait for him to come back

Not that I could go anywhere anyway

They're not allowed to have people come with them to award shows unless it's their girlfriend, of which I am not

So I came as one of their staff

The door opens, San, Yunho and Yeosang coming in, San somehow wearing the cowboy hat he threw

I guess he picked it up on his way off the stage

"Jo, did you see?", San says excitedly as he comes over to me

He's soaked in sweat and I'm getting fucking dizzy wanting him so bad

"I did Sannie. You were amazing", I gush

"Really? You're not just saying that?"

I shake my head, "C'mon San, you know I always tell you when you fuck up"

"Yeah I know", he agrees, "So...was I sexy?"

He wiggles his eyebrows at me, a cute gesture that doesn't take away from the shock of his question

"Do you think ATINYs liked it?"

That one I can answer

"Definitely Sannie"

His smile widens, "Do you think they'll think I'm sexy?"

"Uh yeah San. Of course"

"Are you lying?", he teases

"Sannie", I say, a warning in my voice

"C'mon Jo. Don't lie to me. Remember my fragile ego", he laughs

I snort, "Yes Sannie, they definitely think you're sexy with the way you move your body. And the cowboy thing? They all probably want to ride you like I do"

His mouth drops open but I don't know why

I replay what I said in my head and holy shit what the fuck is wrong with me?

Did I just say that I want to ride him?

What the actual fuck?

"I mean...uh-", I start, scrambling for any excuse or way I can change what I said

"Do you really want to?", he asks, quietly, taking a step closer to me

He's way too close, my heart pounding in my chest and I take a small step back

"Sannie, I don't know what I was saying-"

"But is it true?", he asks, his eyes burning into mine, "Do you want to ride me?"

"I uh...", I trail off, my brain turning off

"Because I'll let you", he says, reaching out, his hand taking mine

The second his hand holds mine, fire races up my arm

What the fuck is going on?

"I want you to", he says softly

He does?

Since when

I must look like a dumbass with my eyes wide and my mouth dropped open but I can't move

I'm just too dumbfounded

His other hand runs through my hair, sending chills down my spine

"Can you?", he asks, "Ride me?"

I feel myself nod because of fucking course I want to

"Get the fuck out", San says loudly, turning his head to the other guys

"Excuse me?", Yunho snaps

"Get out. Everyone. Staff, you guys. Out. And lock the door on your way out"

I don't know how San is looking at them but Yeosang just nods and starts ushering everyone out

I watch Yeosang lock the door, "Don't be too long. You have to come back to the seats", he says, then pulls the door closed

What the actual f-

All thoughts leave my head the second San's lips are against mine

Stars explode in my vision, my body feeling like it's electric, the world falling away until it's just me and San

He kisses me desperately, tongue against mine, his body pressed against mine, almost like he's been waiting to do this as long as I have

His hands slide down my body to my pants, pulling them down

I squeal against his lips, surprised that he seems to be serious about this

Moving his lips to my neck, he murmurs, "Take them off naekkeo. We have to hurry. Not much time"

Oh my fucking god, he's serious

"Please baby", he begs, pulling my shirt up now, "Take my clothes off baby"

That snaps me into action, letting him take my shirt off, then my hands are on his pants, undoing them, pulling them down as much as I can

We both scramble to get out of our shoes and pants, his hands grabbing me and pulling me against him as his lips find mine again

I push his jacket off him then his hands lift me up, my legs wrapping around him

He brings me over to the couch, sitting on it with me in his lap, his cock so hard

His fingers run up my back so softly, undoing my bra, then pulling it off, it joining the pile of clothes on the floor, his hands immediately groping my boobs, his fingers playing with my nipples, flooding my panties even more

I pull his hat off as his tongue plays with mine, dropping it on the floor by the edge of the couch, then snake my hands in his black hair

God, I've waited years to have my fingers in his soft strands, holding on tightly, pulling gently

It's everything I've ever imagined it would be

"Lay down", I murmur in between kisses

His mouth doesn't move from mine as he lays down, taking me with him

I kiss him deeply, not wanting to stop but after a few minutes I gently pull away

We don't have a lot of time

Yeosang can hold everyone back for only so long

Sitting up, I smirk at him, unbuttoning the vest one button at a time

His hands stay locked on my hips, his eyes scanning my body

"Fuck Jo, you're so beautiful", he whispers, "Just like I imagined you'd be"

That makes me pause for a second

He's....imagined me like this?

"Naekkeo please", he begs, "Need you"

That snaps me out of the daze, getting the last button of the vest undone

Pushing it open, I place my hands on his muscular chest, then slowly running them down his body, finally touching him

His skin is so soft, a little wet from his sweat, muscles hard under my palms

My god, he's perfect

"Baby, not enough time", he moans, his hands on my panties, a tearing sound filling the room

He holds up the remains of my panties, smirking before tossing them aside

Jesus, that was fucking hot

I've never had anyone rip my panties off before and the fact that it's San...fuck

Moving off him, I hook my fingers in his boxers, pulling them down and off, as he shrugs out of the vest

I slowly move my eyes up, catching my first glance at San naked

Complete brain shut down

And the total surprising thing?

He's looking at me the same way

There's no way....no way he's looking at me like I'm everything

No way

"Oh my fucking god", he gapes, "You're perfect"

I feel my whole body heat up, not believing he's saying this to me

"You're beautiful Sannie", I tell him

My eyes go to between his legs, widening at his massive dick

God, it's so thick, so hard, leaking cum

He wants me this badly?

"Naekkeo", he whimpers, reaching out for me

I immediately go back to him, climbing in his lap, his hard cock under me

"Please baby. Wanna be inside you so bad", he whimpers

I nod, reaching between us, guiding his cock to my entrance

I sink down on him, his fat cock spreading me open so fucking pleasurably

"Oh fuck", he cries as I take him in inch by inch, his hands gripping my hips so hard, "Naekkeo shit. So tight, fuck, fuck, fuck"

"Sannie", I moan, pushing down hard, my pussy clenching on him, sucking him inside me, "So big Sannie"

I wiggle my hips around, using his cock to open my pussy more

I bottom him out, sitting on his lap, just feeling him inside me, his head against my spot

"Fuck Sannie", I moan, "So good baby"

He nods, biting his lip hard, "So wet baby. God, you feel so fucking good. I knew you'd feel this good naekkeo. I knew we'd be perfect together"

I knew too

I knew he was my one

"I knew too Sannie", I whimper, rocking my hips, rubbing my spot with his head, each pleasurable pass making me tighten around his cock

"Oh my god yes", he moans, "Fuck throbbing so good baby. Squeeze my cock tighter. Fuck"

I do, tightening on him as I lean on his abs

I slide up his length, the feel of his cock dragging through my pussy so fucking blissful

I go all the way to his head then slam myself down, bottoming him out in one go

"Fuck!", we both yell, his fingers digging into my skin, adding to the pleasure

"More naekkeo more", he cries

I bounce on him hard and fast, bottoming him out every move, his head slamming into my spot, throwing me into massive pleasure

"San!", I moan, moving my hands up to his chest, my hips grinding on him when I take him back inside me

"Baby", he cries, his eyes on us, helping me bounce on his dick, "You feel so good. Fuck, creaming my cock so fucking much. God, so pretty"

"Mmm", I nod, moving faster, "Gonna make a big mess on your cock baby"

He nods, panting hard, "Yeah baby, fuck want your mess on me. Please"

Placing my hand on his shoulders, I fuck him harder, watching the moaning mess I'm making him into

He's so fucking gorgeous, his head pushed back on the couch, moans spilling from his beautiful lips, his hair soaked with sweat, pleasure all over his face

I love watching him, happy I can make him feel this good

The more I ride him, the close I'm getting, the feel of his cock so fucking amazing

I've never had sex this good

"Sannie", I whimper, fucking my spot on his head over and over, right there

The next bounce down makes me explode, as I yell his name, coming all over his fat cock, my body shaking on top of him, massive bliss hitting me hard

"Oh my fucking god!", he shouts, slamming me up and down his shaft, "It feels so good! Fuck baby, you're pussy feels fucking amazing, coming all over me"

"Sannie", I whisper, the pleasure tapering off

"Again. One more", he pants, "Please"

I nod, leaning down, pressing a kiss to his soft lips

Then I sit up, reaching over the edge of the couch and getting his hat

Smirking, I put it on, leaning back on his legs, "My turn to be the cowgirl"

His eyes widen, mouth dropping as he nods

I move again, slipping up and down his length, his hands sliding up to my boobs, groping and squeezing

"So fucking pretty", he murmurs, "So fucking gorgeous on my cock naekkeo"

I bite my lip, tilting my head back, his cock moving into me so incredibly

I'm in so much pleasure it's taking over

"Yes baby", he whines, "Little pussy looks so good on my dick. Opening so wide for me"

His hands push my thighs open more, his gaze not leaving my pussy taking his cock

I move my legs, sort of squatting as much as I can, my hands behind me leaning on the couch, riding his cock as hard as I can, making him slam so deeply into me

"Fuck Sannie", I whimper

His hands move to my waist, holding on tightly as he thrusts up into me when I move down, hitting my spot so hard I see stars

"Yes fuck", he growls, thrusting to meet my bounces, both of us fucking each other desperately

"Fuck naekkeo, I'm so deep in you, your tummy bounces every time I fuck into you", he pants, "So pretty" Suddenly intense pleasure hits me hard and I realize that San is playing with my clit

"Oh god", he moans, "You're little clit is throbbing so much. Fuck, wish I could suck on it"

My brain explodes from his words

He can suck on me anytime he wants, I have no problem with that

His thrusts become more erratic, his moans louder, "I can't hold it much longer naekkeo. Please cum for me. Please"

"Yes Sannie", I cry, right there, his head continuously giving my spot so much fucking bliss

The next move has me seeing stars as I squirt all over him, tears running down my face from the sheer ecstasy, his name echoing in the room as my body shakes uncontrollably

Fuck it's almost too much

Almost

"I have to get out!", he yells, "I can't...I can't!"

"Inside", I shout, not able to say much more, the pleasure blinding, "Finish inside"

Fuck, I crave his cum inside me

"Oh fuck!", he cries, his cock throbbing right before his warm sticky cums explodes inside me

"Joanne!", he yells, as he cums and I open my eyes to watch him

My god, he's ethereal, the pleasure on his face ...just stunning

His fingers dig into my hips and I slowly rock on his cock to make it better for him, milking him for all his cum

"Yes naekkeo, yes baby", he murmurs as he finishes, relaxing into the couch

He grabs my hands, pulling me down on top of him

Taking the hat I'm still wearing off, I lay down on him, my head on his chest as his arms wrap securely around me

He gives me a sweet kiss on my forehead, his fingers softly running up and down my back

We stay wrapped together in comfortable silence both of us catching our breath

And cuddling

He's cuddling me and it feels better than I thought it would be

I move my hand to his chest, tracing his muscles and I feel him smile against my forehead

His cellphone ringing shatters the silence as well as the little pretended bubble we were in

Back to reality where he's not mine and this was most likely a one time thing

I move off him, letting him sit up and get his pants

He pulls out his phone, looking at it

"Hongjoong is texting me to get my ass back to our seats"

I just nod, "Yeah ok"

Awkwardness rises as we get dressed, San opting to get another shirt from a hanger instead of putting the vest back on

Right, we're in ATEEZ's dressing room, there's other clothes for him here

Pulling my shirt on, I finish dressing, then sit on the couch

I have no where to go but here until the award show is over

Or maybe I should just go

It's already awkward and I don't want to deal with it

Maybe I could just spend a few days away from him and it'll be better the next time we hang out

I feel the couch dip next to me and I turn to San as he sits next to me

Ok, I thought he had to go

"Are we going to pretend that what happened was nothing?", he asks quietly

I don't know so I can't answer him

"Jo", he says, taking a breath, "I don't know about you, but I've been waiting for something to happen between us. Anything. A kiss. Cuddling. I never expected what we just did but I don't regret it"

"I don't regret it either Sannie", I answer

He nods, "Ok but was it more than just sex for you?"

"I uh-", I start

"Because it was for me", he answers, shocking the hell out of me, "You are all I think about Jo. All the time. I just want you. And now that this happened, I can't let you go without trying"

"Trying?", I ask, wondering what he means

He lifts his head, his eyes on mine, "I love you"

My heart drops to my feet as I process what he said

He takes my hand, lacing our fingers and it feels so right

"I always loved you Jo. Since I could remember. You've always been the one I wanted", he confesses, "I remember you telling everyone you were going to marry me one day. Telling me that to my face"

"Oh god you remember that?", I ask, embarrassed

"I could never forget it", he says softly, "Because I wanted the same thing. Even at that age. And I hope that maybe, if you'd want, it could really happen one day"

"You...you want to marry me?", I gape

He nods slowly, "It's what I wanted since you first told me you were going to marry me, all those years ago. That is, if you want that"

"I do", I blurt, "I love you so much Sannie. It was always you"

A beautiful smile bursts on his face, his hand cupping my face

I lean into his palm, kissing him

"Are you finally mine?"

I smile, "All yours"

"Finally", he sighs

"Yeah finally", I giggle

Pulling me to him, his lips crash into mine in a kiss full of love

I wrap my arms around his neck, his hands moving me into his lap

The kiss deepens, his tongue against mine, holding me as close to him as he can

I'm so fucking happy

I got my Sannie

His cellphone goes off again, making him groan in the kiss

He pulls away softly, leaning his forehead against mine

"Fucking award show"

"It's almost over baby", I tell him

He looks up at me, "Come with me after? I don't want to be away from you so soon"

I nod, "Of course Sannie. I wanna cuddle you all night"

"That would be amazing", he answers

"Good baby", I tell him, giving him a sweet kiss, "Now go before Hongjoong rips you a new one"

He laughs, "Ok naekkeo. You'll wait for me?"

"Always Sannie. Always"

"I love you", he says, looking at me so lovingly

"I love you San"

I give him another kiss, then he's reluctantly leaving the room

And I just smile to myself as I lean back against the couch, waiting for my Sannie to come back

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

Thinking about JK and seven's success in the context of Taylor's recent streams bomb is fascinating. Yes her numbers are crazy but let's think about it - everyone on social media is talking about her and the album and they have been for weeks. I was listening to a political podcast and they signed off with the guy saying he's going to listen to the album ahead of time to make sure it's ok for his 5 year old daughter to listen to. She's literally a household name - even in households like mine where my parents do not keep up with with western artists. Yeah a lot of her numbers are stacked because of versions and payola and every platform pushing the hell out of her BUT STILL - there's something behind that push. People are tuned in! Everyone who's tuned into the cultural zeitgeist knew TTPD was coming. Same with Olivia Rodrigo - yes she has an aura of industry plantness - getting pushed right out of the gate and becoming a darling of critics everywhere for your debut album doesn't just happen. But again, her albums are GOOD. The songs are well written and she was clearly deeply involved in every step of the way. Everyone knows driving license and the story behind it. Payola as a concept is annoying especially when so many deserving artists get ignored because they don't have it but it's undeniable that after artists like TS and OR get all this payola, their songs become the moment. Everyone's buzzing about them and listening to their albums.

What is seven? It's numbers are at TS and OR levels right? If you think about it seven debuted with more streams than djo's end of the beginning did and it's charted higher for longer. But which song launched who as a solo artist to the GP that Hybe desperately wants? A song with numbers at that level but what is the ground level reality of its popularity? The most telling thing is that after that completely insane debut seven had, if it was really such a great song that everyone incl the GP had tuned in for, those people should've at least checked golden out. That is the point. That was scooters strategy. Have seven become the next baby or driving license and capture the GP interest so it sustains for the rest of his debut.

The point is that people will compare his numbers to other kpop acts but he didn't get a kpop debut. He got the kind of debut and platform push TS and OR get. So his numbers are good at a kpop level but did it achieve the objective? I have to imagine the objective was that JK became the next JB or the next OR or....as Hybe keeps trying to do, it was for him to become the next BTS. No, Hybe can keep trying to push a particular narrative because JK is their sunk cost fallacy, but inspite of goldens streams and sales eclipsing others, his debut was not successful.

It is irony because people can and will bring up his numbers in relation to Jimin or Tae or lesserafim or whoever and act like JK is doing amazing but I'm telling you now that the reason JK's debut makes me so angry is because if Jimin had had that world cup stage for a solo debut, that humongous deal wouldn't have just been a footnote of cool places BTS have performed at. It would have been a noteworthy performance. We have ten years of his solo stage to prove that. It's this wasted potential that gets me so heated up about JK because of all the opportunities he got. Compare the payola put in versus results gotten and the mediocrity is staggering considering what I mentioned other artists have achieved with that payola level in my first paragraph. The only reason I think about JK is because of this - it drives me mad.

Sorry this got...long and ranty 😭

i must've said this last year already but yes, he had a bigger debut and numbers (after debut) compared to other kpop or korean acts, but he was really nowhere people like Taylor or Harry, to whom everyone compared him to. Let's not even talk about Michael Jackson and how hard they tried that he'd be namedropped alongside Jungkook.

The most important difference to me is that people RESPECT Taylor. They respect Harry, and they respect Michael even so many years after his death. Soloist Jungkook doesn't have that respect. BTS might've gotten really close to have it, but not them as soloists. Part of it might be because he's korean, sure; but more than anything, he doesn't have people's respect because he has not earned it. Period. He hasn't done anything that would gain him people's respect or admiration.

Taylor had a moment where she lost people's respect too - she went completely MIA, didn't show her face in public for years, she was the laugh of the town. Granted, a lot of it was pushed by this insane, psychopathic hate culture and spurred on by Kanye West and Kim Kardashian simply because they're people who just like to get involved in shit. Taylor's never really had a scandal (she's actually a really sweet girl and so incredibly smart too), but because they -the Kardashians/Wests- thought it was fun to hate on her, they did it and everyone jumped on the bandwagon because if there's something people on the internet lack, that's a personality of their own.

Now she's regained all the success and people's affection she had before that, and ten thousands times more. The haters moved on, found jobs probably, Kim Kardashian isn't even that "big" anymore, nobody talks about her and Kanye is an unmedicated man roaming around with seemingly no direction whatsoever. Taylor came out of that being in a great space in her personal life, had spent a couple of years inside her home with someone who loved her, wrote and release lover and everyone flocked to it.

Then came folklore and evermore, which were the albums that really did it for her; those albums are crazy good and so different from everything else everybody was putting out that moment. Many people who'd previously thought she was too bubblegum pop, or that her songs were silly, changed their mind, started taking her seriously as a writer/singer and became fans after listening to folklore and evermore; and those people stayed. Those people are still listening to her music. This isn't something I see on the internet, but I went to her concert last November and everyone I talked to had become a fan in 2019 or after.

But she also knows how fickle it all is, and she's talked about it. Is she wrong for wanting to protect what she's worked all her life to build?

She's a business woman, it's true. And many "stans" on the internet hate that, for some reason that I really don't understand. Because taking the reins in their own careers is the only way people are able to survive in music, literally. I don't remember where she said it, but it was Beyonce precisely who said once that she didn't have a seat at the table, so instead she built her own table. That's Taylor, too. Not because Taylor was underprivileged or anything, and but in the business sense. These women don't become billionaires because they "only do music", there's millions of people out there, doing music on the streets. They become billionaires because they're doing business too.

Most people don't want others to be successful, or at the very least they aren't really hoping and praying you'll do well. Mostly they just don't care. And I've said this a lot of times in relation to BTS too - that all the members were looking out for themselves and their own solo careers and that was it. I've said before that Jimin is not a business man, and I don't expect him to ever be one, but I also wish for him to have at least one person standing by him and his decisions. It'd be great to believe doing arts today is all glitter and parties, but it's a business as much as being a wall street guy is.

Maybe it's so overwhelming to me because I've been a Taylor fan since 2008 right before fearless came out, but people really don't get how unprecedented her career is. I was 13 in 2008, the year my sister was born. Now, it's 2024 my sister is 16 and she's a Taylor fan. Without me even intervening, mind you, because we don't live together. We went to the concert because she wanted to go.

How many people can you say they had a career in music 20 years ago and not only are they still at it, but they're getting bigger with each passing year? Because I honestly couldn't name you one single person apart from Taylor.

Maybe I could say BTS if they were active right now, but that it's yet to be seen because the fandom did go downhill after butter. PTD wasn't as successful as butter or dynamite were, and let me not even mention the group songs that came after because that was embarrassing for them.

Also, another point but men rarely -if ever- bring anything new to the table. Armys, especially those who like Jungkook or Yoongi, are the epitome of hypocrisy because what has Jungkook done that's spectacular? Be shirtless? Please.

His songs were mid, the singing was mid, the dancing was below mid. They really are in no position to speak and shouldn't be taken seriously. And this takes me back to the respect thing and how he really didn't do anything to gain it.

For some reason I'm also thinking of Lana del Rey who was literally BEGGING people to listen to her album, and even said that she'd hoped her album would go viral and not that photo of her working in some fast food place. You have loser gays on twitter going lana this lana that, but they don't really respect her either.

This is something I've said before, too; but time really is the only proof of how "impactful" an artist is. Olivia's had a great run so far, but will people remember her or talk about her 10 years down the line? Is she still gonna be relevant? Is BTS still gonna be revelant? Is Jungkook gonna be relevant? Great debuts are great and all, but in the end it doesn't make an artist, as well as a bad debut doesn't break one either. I've also said this about Jimin before; that if he still wants to have a solo career after military, the only way to go should be up. This Taylor type of career where you get bigger with each release is literally everyone's dream and it actually proves that whatever you've been doing until that moment has worked and people can't get enough of you.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Hiii, miss me?

Now you want to kiss me (or have to? Wasn't there a song like that?)

This month my blog turned two years old. I got the notification in my email. Last year I made an entire celebration post by publishing the funniest/ridiculous asks I got. There were good times back then. Still. Not so much afterwards.

I wasn't the nicest presence in the last few months leading to me abandoning the blog. And I wasn't too discreet about it. Although there was more to it, a lot more. But I'll get there.

First things first. Why am I here when on the 24th of March I dramatically declared that I'm leaving forever? Well, that was a very emotionally-charged post and the result of a few factors. I'm not entirely proud of how I made my exit, but it's also a true reflection of my personality so there's no point in making excuses. Nevertheless, I will explain as much as I can (I still care about privacy, just like before).

On that Friday, I woke up excited. I took a day off from work (yes...I know), I listened to Face, watched the music video. All good. But I was also dreading a bit having to come here because I knew there was this expectation of me to come up with some thought-provoking analysis, say something smart and all that. I was exhausted on all levels, emotionally and intellectually. I had also promised to leave after the promotions were over, somewhere in the middle of April (who would have thought it would last 9 days? Not me), but the plans changed. Not to drag it too much, but on that day I also officially announced to some concerned parties that I'm changing career paths. You know, just something I thought I'd be doing until the day I die and I've been working towards for at least 10 years. No big deal. I was planning on doing it anyway, but actually saying the words and make it real is a different story. I felt extatic, full of adrenaline, so happy with my decision and at that moment, it felt the right time to close BMT. It was somehow directly connected. I made the blog as an escape and now I got the opportunity to turn the page over. It was perfect. Best day ever. I clicked post, I logged out, and then I sat. And after a while, the reality of my decisions hit me in the face. And I felt sad and empty because what the hell am I doing now and what is my identity? I closed my blog too which was my main hobby. And so followed some difficult days. And then it got better. And then bad again. And so on, because it's a roller coaster.

The thing is, I can change my interests, but I can't stop myself from being opinionated. And getting excited. And wanting to talk about it. And share all that on a public platform with some strangers that are interested in what I have to say. Or they used to. It's who I am.

This blog won't remain Bangtan Media Thoughts because I want more than that. I will rebrand this page. I could start fresh with a new blog, but this is still my space and I know some people were interested in reading about other things as well from me, not just BTS. I hope I can built something from that.

The blog won't reflect only a specific niche of interests, but everything that I like in terms of pop culture. From movies, music, fashion, gossip, you name it. Including Kpop. And if I feel the need to rant about Hybe after talking about Ryan Gosling's Ken, I will. Same about JM, JK or whoever I feel like it. If there is a good advice that I got in the last few months, is to adapt and not force myself to abandon something completely. Because it's not as easy as it sounds. And to be honest, it was easier to give up smoking than completely lose interest in kpop. It's a habit. Perhaps this new blog will reflect the way I try to deal with that. A bit more honestly, a little less discourse, certainly less essays because I don't have them in me at the moment. But never say never. This blog will be all me, not just BMT.

I will change the name and url 24h after I post this. This will be an opportunity for all my followers to decide if they want to stay or they are not interested in the new direction. Feel free to do as you please. I welcome new people and greet the old ones who didn't hit unfollow for some reason.

It will go like this:

Bangtan Media Thoughts > Reflections in a Critical Eye

New theme, new profile photo, new beginnings.

All the old posts will still be here. I don't plan on deleting anything. They are all a product of me and my brain and they have their place. I'll probably pin some new posts these days that have to do with the rebranding. It will be like a construction site, but it will be worth it.

One last thing though. After I abruptly left, I received some DMs. I saw them back then. I do feel sorry about those who wanted to check in with me or with whom I used to talk regularly. But I do hope that some of the things I said today will explain my behavior. I also won't start communicating again like that, at least for now. I always felt a bit pressured and I'm not the best at maintaining conversations in private. If that changes, I'll make that clear.

That's it for now. I'm excited. I feel like writing again so here's to another chapter.

My inbox is open and will be, just as usual. No more messages to BMT, but you can call me M. Like in the Bond movies 😉

[ask-serendipity-sky]

"I cannot for the love of the gods come up with a theory on why Jk is ok with getting all this nice promo while Jimin got nothing". How about u try to change your solo perspective that makes u look at jimin like a victim all the time? Jimin GOT promotions, and a big one, money related. He had 2 mv that took a lot of budget and preparations: the 2 mv needed sets to be created, and SMFPT2 set was HUGE. He promoted at korean music shows, which too took a lot of money to build those giant sets. Yes, he did have a short promotion period, for reasons we dont know but my guess is that Suga needed to do his comeback because of the tour and i hate the person who came up with those dates but ok... We all know Face promotions got some biiiig problems and im still mad about it, we just dont know what really happened, but i'm sure jimin would fight back if he thought he was being mistreated. But to say that jm got zero promotions... nah

Face, Like Crazy and Seven r different projects, with different visions and different goals. Jimin wanted to tell his story of when he was going through a hard time, and he wanted to do it in korean, promoting more in Korea, with songs that, in the end, only him and people close to him know the meaning. Yet, he did AMAZING and made history (is still making). It seems to me that the #1 on hot100 was unexpected to the company and even jm, but yet they did provided to us 2 versions of Like Crazy, one of them being an eng. ver, and promoted at Jimmy Fallon... So maybe they still hoped that the song would do well internationally? (pdogg tho... he just KNEW face would be massive and destroy kpop). But Jungkook... i think that, for a long time now, he aims to achieve western recognition, way more than jm, and thats ok. So Seven obviously is a song to the US market, and all of us know that. The song is in english, is very pop, written and produced by an american guy that is responsable to other huge hits. It is made to be stuck in our heads, not to make us think about deep things. It is breaking and will break so many records just like LC, but the difference is that the success is THE GOAL (remember all of that Scooter posts on his ig?). Jimin wanted to tell his truth with Face, Jk wants to be closer to being a big pop star with Seven. So, of course Seven would get a different type of promotion.

And btw, just because the song is doing really good and is aiming to the US market, doesnt mean it is by having deals and paying for playing. Its the Jeon Jungkook, of BTS, we are talking about. Jk seems very happy and jimin seems happy for him. I dont think jimin would support jk if he thought he was doing wrong. He didnt post anything, but he did not post about L&R and Dreamers too. He supported jk with Dreamers by posting about his presentation at Qatar, and now he supported seven by going all the way to NYC to be with him.

All of this to say: Jimin is not a victim, he is a badass and he knows how to stand up for himself. When will you come out as a solo, btw? its getting old...

Hi anon,

When will you try thinking for once instead of being a parrot and writing what you've read in other blogs?

Your entire ask is wrong. I don't even know where to start.

YOU sound like a jjk solo or delusional jikooker or Jk biased jikooker.

But you know what? Call me a solo. I don't mind. Anyone who ever defends Jimin or loves Jimin is always called a solo. Why? Because no body else defends him or loves him like solos do. So, sure. Call me a solo.

First of all, we are talking about THE Park Jimin. Of BTS. That's who are talking about.

I'm done with people who, somehow for some delusional reason, think Jimin is inferior to Jungkook. You know nothing about Jimin if you think this.

I've NEVER said that Jimin got 0 promotions. I've been screaming (into the void, apparently) that Jimin only got 9 days of promo that were too hard on his body and had to wear it kt tape for weeks after. I've been screaming that the company is sabotaging him and it's true. People who actually know things about the company know this quite well too.

Take a look at everything and the sabotage is obvious. But look let's start here:

This same guy posts on DC gallery:

Yes, Jimin's promo costs money. But so did everyone's. How much do you think payola costs? That's much pricier than what Jimin's promo costs. And either way, Jimin was a return investment.

Not only did Jimin's place on the charts affect Hybe. It also affected other companies.

And right now the stock at Hybe at decreasing and foreign shareholders are selling to make it seem like Jk's position on the chart will have a bigger impact than it actually will:

Just watch.

You are proving me right with everything else:

So sure, let's sacrifice Jimin's promo time for Suga even though Suga was the one that postponed his album because it wasn't ready.

Jimin had 2 mvs. Suga had how many? And he had a whole tour too.

Jimin didn't have any visualizers. Jk had how many?

Jimin had 5 versions of Like Crazy. Jk has how many?

Jimin's Like Crazy cd was never stocked. Jk's has been stocked how many times?

You think Jimin doesn't want international recognition? Like Crazy was released in ENGLISH for a purpose.

After Jimin's no.1, if they wanted Like Crazy to succeed in the US market, they would have at least sent it to radio. This would have avoided freefall. They would have also shipped albums on time. They would have also informed us of the rule change for online sales instead of waiting until Suga's album was coming out.

It was the fans that were begging radio to play Like Crazy and the only way to play it was from the mv on YouTube:

There are so many things they could have done differently. They can still do them but they choose not to.

Did you see what was trending today?

Did you trend this, anon? Since you are so "mad about this"?

You think FACE wasn't created with success in mind? Pdogg came out and said it would break kpop because Pdogg knew what masterpiece FACE is.

You don't have to think deep with Like Crazy or any of the song...um just listen to them?

And don't be daft about Seven:

And other things. Search "Seven payola" on twitter and you will find it.

So yeah. You are wrong.

If you don't see it, that's because you choose to not see it.

Stop pretending that you "are still mad about it". You don't care about Jimin and only want him for your stupid ship and for him to be Jk's cheerleader.

Ah and he went to NYC for a work thing and to support Jungkook. But he hasn't posted a single thing about Seven. He did post about Dreamers and Left and Right. But no Seven.

You think Jimin only wanted those close to him to listen to his music and know the meaning? He spent 10 months working on this album, hours practicing choreography, dieting, for stupid fans like you to say things like these?

I don't even want to see when he releases new music, appears in stuff with Jungkook, or leaves for military service. All these fake fans will be crying and uwuing when they couldn't lift a finger for him during all this.

To those that try to send others on guilt trips because we defend Jimin or point out the injustices: Are you guys even streaming Seven and Like Crazy to "support them equally"?

At least taekookers have taekook playlists and streaming parties for Jk and Tae. I haven't seen a single playlist around here that has both Jk and Jimin. But yeah, you all are supporters of jikook.

You all come and try to send me on a guilt trip but you all are worse than me. For reals.

You don't deserve Jimin. You and all the people who keep saying all this bullshit because it fits their stupid theories and shipping fantasies don't deserve him.

Jimin deserves so much more than this.

So just stop. Don't come to my blog.

[minkkumaz]

hi my mind has been very full of enemies to lovers woonhak.

like plz itd be so cute. in 1st grade he got tormented by a girl shorter than him (embarrassing)… they’d be at eachothers throats (with crayons and glue sticks)

one day reader got ahold of safety scissors and decided to cut snippets of woonhaks hair when he wasnt looking.

that was def his last straw, he told his parents and the teachers on you and you’ve hated eachother ever since. like all you did was give him a bald spot!! why’d he have to get everyone mad at you ?!

an ongoing rivalry continued from middle school to highschool, u two both sought out being an idol, but ofc you both never knew of eachothers aspirations because duh!! ur eachothers enemy nobody gaf!!!!

suddenly you find out hes your senior in the kpop industry, you’ve been so preoccupied with debuting, and when you came onto set during inkigayo is was a surprise to see old bald spot kim woonhak as the mc.

fans definitely noticed the subtle glares you two shot at eachother.. a few fans digging up your old childhood beef. it made it worse when you were chosen to do a bit of your dance choreo alongside him for a few tiktok challenges.

but like.. no way ur dork enemy was able to debut before you?!! like what is his group even like….

😨😨 and omg?!! whats this?!! his songs are catchy.. and he even produced a few himself? well thats the standard anyways, its not like its THAT big of a deal.

..but yes, yes it is. when you both attended award shows and performed in your own respective groups- his stage presence and him in general just shined so brightly that even you had to admit you were hooked.

thats a secret ofc!! nobody is gonna find out. (until myungjae encounters woonhak up late watching your groups performance with awe. and yes myungjae definitely sent it to you for the funsies.)

-🍉

(we are def ignoring the fact that woonhak still attends hs and ill just say he graduated early just for this sole purpose)

AH HI MELON i'm so sorry i'm responding late i don't mean to ghost you LOL i just started school today but i had something else school related last week.

anywho.. i hear enemies to lovers, i run. i am a very simple person. ENEMIES TO LOVERS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE TROPES AND I AM GIGGLING AT THIS. i remember being a little mean in elementary school so i'd be coming at woonhaks throat.

but seeing woonhak on stage would definitely change me. how can someone i hate be this breathtaking?!?

i would totally stalk him afterwards and find myself accidentally becoming a onedoor.. and accidentally buying an album.. and accidentally hitting him up.

our little secret ><

[deadass-pool]

october 31, 2022 - halloween pms

oh boy oh boy DO I HAVE A STORY TO TELL

so in the past 3 months, i got a job, met new people, life kinda sucks, i met a boy, i also met another boy, i met more boys, went to a kpop music festival, met another boy, jesus fucking christ, please check in on my temper because my patience was tested.

aside from the clients that i have to deal with during my work hours in the morning hours to afternoon, i was also dealing with MEN and i dont know!!!! i havent been screwing around the dating scene in so long because i was so invested in other things such as being delusional with my celebrity crushes and college was sucking the life out of me but jesus christ, i kinda wished it stayed that way because now i got money problems (its a me problem) and boy problems (that i have to get rid ASAP)

anyways, i’m not gonna write about the 10 guys i talked to simultatnoeusly at once, the another 5 men whom all i met through stupid online dating apps, WHAT im gonna tell you is that i ended up forming a whatever situationship with a guy that i used to go to the same elementary school with. WHICH WAS WEIRD BECAUSE I KNEW HIM SINCE FOREVER LIKE IN 1ST GRADE IMAGINE HAVING HIM SEE YOUR TIDDIES NOW AT AGE 22 LIKE, THATS SO WEIRD WHO FUCKING KNEW RIGHT 

anyways, yeah based on the last paragraph that i have written, if it isn’t obvious enough for you, yes it was very sexual (and very confusing at times) and ITS SOMETIMES WEIRD because i cant stop picturing him as some random 6th grader that i walk past by numerous times when i was in 5th grade and idk idk its so fucking crazy like, THATS CRAZY RIGHT?? WHO KNEW LMFAO

anyways yea we would call each other at night, it was nothing serious, obviously. out of everyone he was my favorite since there was a common ground and experience we share so i felt more comfortable with him than the rest of the guys that i talked to. so i trusted him enough with photos that i took and hes literally the only guy i ever sent those photos to (and hes gonna get beat up by me if anything happens GOD FORBID ANYTHING HAPPENS) 

he would send good morning texts bla bla bla, it was a one month short lived experience until i decided to just be distant or whatever because hes literally any other guys. god, we were evn supposed to go on a date but it didnt happen. the point is, just because you knew him since forever does not mean he’s going to be different. i have met way too many of the same people like him, AND LIKE ME, to keep my guard up anyway.

anyways, the point is i can feel the void in me getting alot more worse. the more i entertain these men, even women (i cant for the life of god play with women even when im attracted to them i just CANT) the more i feel like this is all i ever am worth of.

i always dreamed about being cherished, being taken care of, being seen, being listened to, and just being loved and that’s because of the numerous love songs that i heard, movies that i watched and books i read, but why does it feel like i will never be worth of any of those things?

i think the dating scene of today made it worse. i think that’s why i can’t keep on settling for stuff like this anymore. i am not embarrassed to admit that i believe that i deserve being treated with respect and live the fluffy romantic corny shit you see in dramas. i truly want that lol

i just feel like i wasted so much time on spending to get to know these people, even when im not looking for anything serious, time is still a cost to even acknowledge their existence. i just feel like absolute shit over it.

idk maybe im just pmsing and its a halloween and i literally have nothing much better to do (i am literally supposed to go on errands but i ended up crying over the remaining balance in my bank account) but idk idk

and also i cut off my ties with this guy, not fully, just distanced myself. if he tries to reach out, then i’ll let him in. there’s nothing going on anyway and he’s a manwhore lol. idk im just upset over everything rn idk why im typing this maybe its because its eating me alive. did u guys know that i used to have such a huuuuuge crush on him until he went for the sexual part in our relationship or whatever we have and now i could not respect him at all lmfao

anyways, thats it ill tell more on the careeer part soon, im working on something. see if this one works out. we’ll see.

[yeonjuns-beanie]

Hysteria

warnings: nothing really. makeout sesh, mutual pining, fluff, mostly wholesome not what i usually write lol

eddie x female reader

a/n: for sake of plot edward lives to hear this masterpiece of a song. i would also rec listening to hysteria while you read just to set the tone if you haven't heard the song yet. also, i know i started out for this to be a kpop fic blog, but i think imma just make it multifandom now! Might have another eddie fic(smut) in the works… ~nero

It seemed like everyone but you and Eddie knew of your crush on each other. Everyone teased you about it but somehow the both of you were oblivious to it all. Dustin was privy to most of the teasing, although it was harmless coming from him. He was just constantly inquiring about what you were going to do about the situation, seemingly whenever Eddie was in earshot. 

You were in the back of the theatre helping them set up for their weekly night of Hellfire. Coming back once a week to the school you had already done your time at, made it feel like you never left. You were painfully close with all the members though, so coming back for a few hours a week wasn’t that big of a deal. 

As you and Dustin finished laying out the table, you grabbed your bag searching for the dice bag Eddie always had you bring, claiming that if it was in his hands he would surely lose it. While digging through your bag, you began to panic about not seeing the velvet bag, but before you had the chance to let the panic fully set in Dustin tapped you on your shoulder. 

“So when are you gonna tell him y/n?” 

He was enthusiastic in his delivery, really cheering you on from the sidelines. Although Eddie wasn’t in the room yet, you motioned for Dustin to quiet down fearful of Eddie popping in out of nowhere. 

“You can’t just go around asking that, Dustin.” 

You began to hear the chatter of Mike, Gareth, and the other members echo through the halls as Dustin found his words. 

“Everyone knows y/n. Not like it’s a secret. Well, not Eddie, maybe. Which I’m not sure how. Maybe he-“ 

“-Maybe I what?”

A sharp chill ran up your spine and trickled down in your stomach sinking it into the floor. You begged any deity that was listening that Eddie hadn’t heard the previous exchange you and Dustin had. Quickly covering your ass, you spoke up. 

“We were talking about how maybe you had taken the dice bag already. I can’t find it in my bag.” 

Eddie furrowed his brow trying to figure out for himself if he did take the dice bag. 

“I don’t think I did, sweetheart.” 

“Damn. Can I have the keys to your van then, I think maybe they fell out while we were driving here.” 

Eddie dug in his pocket and tossed you his keys. As you picked yourself up from the floor you quickly walked out of the theatre and all but ran down the halls to get to the parking lot. 

Sweetheart. Why does he always have to call me that? 

It was just a nickname. One that he used even for his guitar, but you couldn’t help the fuzzy feeling that spread through you when he said it. Once you got to the doors, the cool night air chilled the heat that was growing in your face. You hoped your flustered emotions didn’t bleed through your expression. You unlocked the doors to his van and searched in the front seats, blindly petting the floor until your fingers grazed across a velvet bag. 

“There they are!” 

Closing the door and locking the car, you walked back into the building. Thinking to yourself about how the dice bag fell out of your bag on the way here. Turning the corner, you heard a cacophony of echoed voices stream out of the theatre hall. Walking back into the room you dangled the bag in the air, shaking it as you spoke. 

“Found them!”  

A roll of scattered yes’s flowed through the boys' voices as Eddie just smiled at you lightly. His eyes were softer than when you left. In a posh accent you delicately placed the velvet bag into Eddie’s hand. 

“For the DM.”

You sat back on the floor and pulled a book out from your bag deciding to catch up on some reading. You loved playing DnD with Hellfire but this specific campaign you decided to sit out, knowing you had class work you needed to catch up on. 

You looked at your watch, realizing almost two hours had gone by. With a final roll made by Dustin, he completed the first half of the campaign for the night. The younger boys grabbed their bags while you helped Eddie gather all of his things, taking the bag of dice and his DM binder. 

“I have hands, ya know” 

“Yes, I can see them, but you have to break down the table so I’m going to hold this while you do so.” 

Eddie smiled before wrapping his lips around his teeth, swallowing the toothy grin he was about to give. As Eddie pushed the table back to its resting spot Mike called out to everyone. 

“Does anyone wanna grab food after this? I’m starving!” 

You looked over at Eddie as he walked over cocking your head slightly alluding to an idea. You said quietly enough just so that he could hear. 

“Pizza at your place?” 

“Fine with me.”

“Y’all wanna come to Eddie’s and we’ll order pizza?” 

A choir of yeses followed suit and you all began to walk out of the building. You still were holding onto Eddie’s binder and he tried to grab it from you but you swiped it away from his reach. He scoffed at you and tried to grab at it again and you dodged just in time. 

“At least let me carry the thing that’s mine. If not, let me take your bag.” 

“It’s fine we’re almost outside anyway.” 

Eddie made a move for your bag again before Gareth called out from behind you. 

“Can y’all just tell each other you like each other instead of playing footsie every chance you get?” 

It was obviously said in jest, but both you and Eddie pulled away from each other, slightly embarrassed by the comment. As Dustin said, it was obvious to everyone else except you two. Heading to Eddie’s van, everyone climbed in the back and tossed their bikes in as well, leaving the passenger seat upfront for you. 

The drive to Eddie’s was loud. It was always loud whenever you were in his van. His music blasted through the speakers of the car and rattled the walls, adding an extra element to the already heavy music. Pulling up in front of his trailer everyone climbed out of his van. 

As you opened the passenger door, you bent down to grab his binder and Eddie was quick to grab your bag before you could. You stared at him with an unenthused look dressing your eyes and he made a mocking face back, happy to have gotten your bag. Mike groaned before following you all up the steps. 

“God, you guys are like a married couple.”

You laughed off your flustered state, choking out a small “how?”. 

“Just the way you guys are with each other it’s like you guys have known each other for years.” 

Eddie was silent and you chuckled again, firm in not letting your emotions show. 

As Eddie set your bag on the kitchen counter you walked to the phone getting ready to order. The dial tone rang four times before someone picked up and you placed the order. You had missed the dinner rush but it wasn’t exactly late in the night either so the man told you it would be about 30 minutes at most before the pizza would be delivered. 

While waiting for the pizza to come you guys all gathered around the main room. Digging in your bag you pulled out a card deck. 

“Y’all wanna play Uno?” 

Everyone nodded as you handed out the cards. Eddie squeezed in next to you and Dustin wiggled his eyebrows to which you gave him a look telling him to cut it out. After a few rounds of Uno, there was a knock on the door. Both you and Eddie stood up getting ready to battle over who was gonna pay. 

“Y/n, sit down. As a guest in my home, you will not be paying.” 

You sighed, upset that he saw through your motions that quickly. 

“At least lemme cover tip.”

You both looked at each other knowing that neither one was gonna give in so you both settled at the door giving the delivery guy your share. Setting the pizzas on the counter everyone grabbed a few slices. You and Eddie stayed crowded around the kitchen counter while watching the boys mingle and eat with one another in the main room. 

“They’re still funny as ever” 

Eddie looked towards you, his big brown eyes searching yours. 

“I know. I kinda miss seeing them every day. Surprised they still let me run the campaigns.” 

You furrowed your brow. 

“Why would they not? You are the Hellfire cult leader.” 

You joked, getting Eddie to roll his eyes and you pushed his shoulder in response. Turning around to grab another slice of pizza you noticed the rest of the boys standing up and gathering their things. 

“Alright, I think we’re gonna start heading out, my mom’s gonna start wondering where I’m at anyway.” 

Mike said while strapping his backpack over his shoulders. Eddie looked up at everyone. 

“Does anyone need a ride back to their house?” 

All of them collectively said ”no” a little too quickly and set a tone of suspicion between everyone. Dustin quickly covered, 

“We’ll be alright, we’re not too far anyway.” 

You walked over to hug everyone goodbye, Dustin holding onto you a little bit longer to whisper something in your ear. 

“Tell him while you’re here and walkie me when you’re home! Tell me everything.” 

You gave him a small smile, finding the courage he thought you had endearing. Watching them all file out the door, you shut the door after you saw them all ride away on their bikes. Looking over at Eddie, he was already looking at you as if he was trying to figure out what to say. 

“Wanna hang out in my room for a bit?”

“Sure.” 

Following Eddie into his room, you sat down on his bed while he shuffled through some of his records, trying to figure out what he should put on for background noise. 

“Sooo, what’s your favorite song lately?” 

You flopped back on his bed really thinking about your answer. 

“Ugh. I don’t know there’s so many…but if I had to choose, probably Hysteria by Def Leppard.” 

Eddie whipped his head around to look at you. 

“No way.” 

“Yes, way. Why?” 

“It’s my favorite too right now. Why’s it your favorite?” 

You paused. Afraid of saying too much at once and not being able to capture the word vomit. Biting your bottom lip you sat up and looked up at him through your lashes. 

“It makes me think of someone. Why’s it yours”

Eddie stopped in his tracks, stopping the record from falling out from its casing. 

“I think it’s easier if I show you.”

Sighing, he put the record on the player and let the needle drop. Walking over to you, he sat down making the bed dip with his weight. As you turned your head to look at him the guitar riff to Hysteria started to reverberate through the speakers. 

“So who does it make you think of?”

I gotta know tonight

Both of your hearts were pounding but neither one of you was close enough to tell. His question hung in the air without an answer. 

Can’t stop this feeling, Can’t stop this fire 

Eddie spoke up, his voice pulling you from your thoughts trying to figure out how you were gonna tell him your feelings. 

“Wait! This part right here. It just sounds so good. Listen.”

Oh, I get hysterical, hysteria 

Oh, can you feel it?

Eddie had his eyes closed trying his best to feel the music and not the plethora of feelings for you. Unintentionally feeling them build up with the essence of the song lyrics bleeding into real life. You were staring at him in awe. He was grungy and pretty, gentle and rough all at once. His passion for the music making you fall just a little bit more in love with him. 

When he opened his eyes, he caught your stare and it made him feel all kinds of warm on the inside. He stopped his movement and stared at you, a certain kind of tenderness and fear swimming in his reflection. 

“Can I tell you something? I think it…it would be better if you knew.”

You nodded your head lightly, prepared for anything. 

Out of me, into you, yeah

“I can’t hide it anymore. If I do, I honestly feel like I’ll suffocate.” 

Open wide, that’s right, dream me off my feet. Oh, believe in me 

“I like you, y/n. I have for too long now it seems for not having told you. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, I just needed to tell you.” 

I gotta know tonight 

There was a quick silence shared between the two of you before you looked back up into his chocolatey eyes, fear evident in the front of them. You scanned his features, noticing the small smile on his lips, hopeful still that you shared the same feelings. 

Can’t stop this feeling 

“I do too. I like you too, Eddie.”

You looked at him again, suddenly feeling so small under his gaze while admitting your true feelings. It felt as if a massive weight had been lifted off your shoulders but at the same time, you were more than ecstatic to know that he shared the same emotions as you. 

Your heart sped up but now for a different reason. You could feel your chest rising and falling at a faster pace and it felt like the room was closing in on you two. You began to feel the heat radiating off of Eddie as he drew closer to your face. 

“Can I try something?” 

You nodded, a smile beginning to tug at the corners of your lips. Eddie’s face was now inches from yours and he flickered his eyes one last time before landing his lips on yours. 

Oh, I get hysterical, hysteria. 

Canons of pent of feelings burst and blossomed into pure adoration as your lips melded with his. His kiss was gentle but wanton. Needy but loving in one take. 

It’s such a magical, mysteria 

Eddie’s hand found its way to your thigh, slowly trailing up and down your side. He moved his body in a way that allowed you to open yourself up more to him and scoot further back towards the middle of the bed. Your lips were still fervently attached to one another, the pace of the kiss speeding up with each second. 

With Eddie now hovering above you, your hands moved to find refuge on his shoulders. Trying to find something to ground you to reality, while the emotions barred through the kiss kept you wading in a moment of magical delirium. Your hand entwined its way into Eddie’s hair, pulling lightly at the hairs near the nape of his neck. Eddie made a small sound into your mouth and you received it with impassioned delight. 

Eddie filled the kiss with a bit more lust as he bit your bottom lip and tugged it between his teeth, pulling back to look at you before placing searing and tender kisses on your jaw and down your neck. Pulling away once more, he rested his forehead on yours. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do that.” 

He panted out his words as if his body wouldn’t let him realize the reality of his world yet. You smiled and placed a quick peck on his lips, bringing your hand up to cup his cheek. 

“Wanna show me what else you’ve been holding out on?” 

Eddie smirked, knowing where your question was alluding to. Before he could explicitly say yes though, he had one more thing to get off of his chest. 

“Sweetheart, you already know what comes next. But first, I gotta ask you something.”

Placing another kiss on your soft lips, he had to remind himself that everything that was happening was real. 

“Be mine. From now till whenever the world ends. Will you?” 

Instead of answering him directly, you pulled him by the collar of his shirt bringing him to your lips yet again. You smiled into the kiss before pulling away and staring deeply into his puppy-brown eyes. 

“Without a doubt. I’m yours from now till whenever you don’t want me to be yours.” 

Smiling down at you, he laughed out his next words before continuing his previous assault down your neck. 

“Well princess, sounds like forever is in store for us.”

[jalapeno-princess]

Be Mine Again

Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Angst (With a happy ending)

Word Count: 10.6K

Summary: Mark practically lived on airplanes; being a KPOP idol meant he was constantly traveling. Waking up early to head over to the airport was something he was used to. However, these last few months for Mark have been an actual living hell. He was exhausted beyond belief, having only three hours of sleep and so he decided to grab some coffee. Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary; the Seoul airport was busy as always, yet that doesn’t stop him from noticing that the customer that was currently being rung reminded him of you. It’s been a while since he’s last seen you, but Mark knew you like the back of his hand. When he comes to the realization that it is you, he comes to accept the fact that the two of you at the same place at the same time wasn’t just merely coincidence and he wasn’t going to take this chance for granted.

A/N: Hey guys, I have two papers due in less than two hours, but I wanted to post this by tonight (PRIORITIES) hahahahahaha if I don’t graduate in May, we all know why. I actually wrote this last year but I never had the motivation to finish it. However, the words just kept flowing out and here we are. I’m still trying to get my motivation back to continue other stories, but until then, please enjoy this one! This is based on the song “Wake me up” by Ed Sheeran.

I should ink my skin With your name And take my passport out again And just replace it

See I could do without a tan on my left hand Where my fourth finger meets my knuckle And I should run you a hot bath And fill it up with bubbles

'Cause maybe you're lovable Maybe you're my snowflake And your eyes turn from green to gray In the winter I'll hold you in a cold place And you should never cut your hair 'Cause I love the way you flick it off your shoulder

And you will never know Just how beautiful you are to me But maybe I'm just in love When you wake me up

Mark was never a morning person but it was quite understandable. He’d always have to wake up at the crack of dawn and head to dance practice or to the studio for a recording session. Luckily today was his first legitimate day off in months and he wanted nothing more than to sleep in till noon and spend the rest of his day doing nothing with you. 

To his dismay, he found himself waking up a bit too early for his liking because he noticed the bed seemed more spacious and you weren’t there when he reached out to pull you closer to his body. Your boyfriend knew you weren’t a morning person either and with the way your job was overworking you to the bone these days, Mark knew you were just as tired as he was and needed a well deserved break; so where exactly could you have gone? 

His questions were soon answered when the scent of bacon and blueberry pancakes filled your bedroom and he couldn’t help but grin at the idea of you making breakfast. It’s been a while since the two of you really got to spend time together. He’s been on tour with Got7 for the last six months and you were only able to visit him three times during the entire tour because your schedule was just as hectic as his was. 

He couldn’t wait to spend time with his favorite girl and hopefully you had the same ideas of how the day was going to play out. Once he put on some boxers and a t-shirt to look more decent, he made his way in to the living room and toward the kitchen but stopped once his eyes landed on your curvaceous figure. 

You were currently wearing his t-shirt from the night before and a cute little thong that left little to the imagination and his mind began to wander to your little love making session a few hours prior. He had to bite his lip to prevent himself from groaning at how sexy you looked and making his presence known but he didn’t care. 

Mark loved making it aware just how much of an effect you had on him. Your boyfriend wasn’t all that secretive in trying to hide that he had just joined you and you could hear his footsteps as he made his way toward you, so you weren’t as surprised when you felt his arms wrap lazily around your waist as he placed his chin on your shoulder. 

“Good morning baby. Smells good, and I’m not talking about the food.” You playfully rolled your eyes at his comment and although you couldn’t see him, you knew by the intonation in his voice that he was smiling. 

“How are you feeling this morning? I didn’t go too rough on you did I?” You decided to turn around and stole a chaste kiss from the corner of his mouth before playfully pinching his cheek. 

“You give yourself too much credit Tuan. I’m walking around just fine aren’t I?” 

The adorable pout he gave you after your cheeky response sent warmth to your cheeks but you know it was all just an act. Mark knew you were just messing with him because as the two of you were having sex, you wouldn’t stop screaming his name in pleasure and begging him to go faster. Normally your love making sessions were always so passionate and tender; full of love confessions and sensual touches. However, last night was a little more on the dominant and rough side not that you were complaining. 

Got7’s world tour ended just three days ago and as soon as Mark landed back in Korea yesterday afternoon, he made a beeline straight to your shared apartment and both showed you and told you just how much he’s missed you since he’s been away the entire day. You had a couple of bruises on your hips, thighs and around your neck but you didn’t care. As much as you loved how soft and extremely caring Mark could be whenever it came to you, you loved his kinky and animalistic side just a little bit more. 

“Hmm, I guess I’m just going to have to change your mind by fucking your brains out the entire day then huh? Oh, by the way, you look so fucking sexy in my shirt y/n. God, I don’t know how I can go so long without seeing you and kissing you, it’s fucking torture. I missed you so much baby.” 

You smiled widely in to the kiss when he practically smashed his lips against yours and you automatically wrapped your arms around his neck; wanting to be as close to him as possible. He only deepened the kiss and turned off the stove before hoisting you on top of the kitchen counter and finding his way in between your legs. Being in a long distance relationship was extremely tough and it was even harder knowing that your boyfriend was one of the biggest international celebrities in the entire world. 

Sometimes, you’d forget you were dating a Kpop idol because Mark seemed like such a normal guy. To the world, he was Got7’s main rapper Mark Tuan but to you, he was your cheesy and extremely corny boyfriend who cried at Disney movies, didn’t know how to multiply numbers once they went in to the double digits and always left the toilet seat up no matter how many times you’d remind him to put it down. 

You never viewed him to be anyone other than the man you were in a relationship with and he never did or said anything to make you feel uncomfortable in your relationship. He did his best to keep in touch with you as much as he could and he used every minute of his free time to check up on you and make sure you were doing okay. Your happiness was Mark’s number one priority and he did anything in his power to make sure you were happy and got whatever you wanted. 

“I missed you too. I actually took the rest of the week off because a little birdie told me you guys don’t have any schedule until Tuesday so I want to spend as much time with you as possible. I’m all yours Mark. Do whatever you want with me.” 

You regretted those words the minute they fell from your lips because of the mischievous grin that quickly rose on his face. Mark was a very playful and cheeky guy. From previous experience, you learned that your boyfriend had many tricks up his sleeve. Making love to you was his favorite past time and he would take advantage of any time he physically had with you. 

“Anything?” You nodded in agreement; you’d be lying if you said you weren’t excited to see what Mark had planned for the two of you but knowing him, it had to deal with him being the dominant one and maybe even getting to accomplish one of his kinks. 

“Yes, but to an extent. No anal—don’t look at me like that I told you it’s a big no babe. Oh and no bondage. You know how I get when I’m tied up. But I do want to try that one position I sent to you.” His grip on your waist tightened and he sneakily hid his face in the crook of your neck only to leave a couple of sloppy love bites there. 

“Mmm, I’ll do anything you ask of me baby. Why don’t we skip breakfast and I can eat you out instead—ow! I hope you’re this rough with me in bed later on.” 

The airport was extremely busy today and Mark cursed his manager for scheduling a couple of photo shoots for him during one of the busiest seasons of the year; winter. Everyone was either going on a trip or returning home for one and with him being the former, he was frustrated with how long the lines at security were and how many paparazzi showed up at his gate just to take photos of him. 

It wasn’t that Mark didn’t love being an idol. He loved performing and entertaining all of his fans alongside of his six best friends. He loved writing songs, loved traveling the world and experiencing so many different cultures, food and adventures while they were on tour. However, he was willing to give it all up if it meant getting you back in his life. You were everything Mark could ever want and need in his life. 

The two of you were together for almost four years and if soulmates existed, you were Mark’s as he was yours. You meant the world to him and he loved you more than he could ever put in to words. Which is why he was completely devastated when you told him you were breaking up with him. The break up wasn’t completely unexpected; that is why Mark wasn’t too shocked when you told him you could no longer handle the long distance and that you felt like you weren’t too important to him. 

Mark knew that wasn’t the truth and he could only hope that you didn’t ultimately think so either, but after five months of being away from you, it gave Mark time to think where he went wrong and what caused you to finally give up on your relationship with him. Being an idol wasn’t all that easy, but dating one must’ve been ten times more difficult. 

Not only was he gone most of the time, but the time difference really did interfere with your communication schedule. If he was waking up, you were getting ready for bed and if he was right about to go to sleep, you were clocking in to work. You only really ever got to talk to him on the weekends if you were lucky and even if Mark did his best to contact you and to check up on you, it wasn’t the same as spending time with him and talking with him face to face rather than through a phone screen. 

Then came your insecurities. Mark knew how insecure you could get when it came to dating him. If he was in your shoes, he’d be pretty insecure too, so it was understandable. But he never failed to reassure you that you were the only girl he genuinely ever loved and planned on loving for the rest of his life. He told you on a daily basis that he planned on marrying you and settling down with you one day once his idol life were to simmer down. 

You tried your best to be patient and understanding when it came to dating him because not only was he in a relationship with you, but he was in a relationship with his career and as much as Mark tried to prioritize you and your relationship, deep down you knew you’d always come second to his job. When you confessed your feelings and thoughts to him, to say he was upset that you were breaking up with him was an understatement. 

Did you fall out of love with him? Was there someone else? Did you finally come to the realization that you deserved better? There were so many thoughts that ran through his head and all he could do was sink to his knees and cry while pathetically wrapping his arms around your legs and begging you to stay. In your four years of dating, Mark grew to know what an independent and determined person you were and how you had such a great head on your shoulders.

He knew that when you set your heart to something, you always accomplished it; a breakup was no different and no matter how many times he’d beg and pleaded for you to stay, your mind was already made up and there was nothing he could do to stop you. Mark knew it was selfish to want you to stay. Your relationship wasn’t the healthiest; the two of you had your fair share of arguments and disagreements. But your love was always enough to defeat any negative thought or idea you had. 

This time was different though and you were extremely tired of not being as important to Mark as he was to you. You put him on a pedestal; you gave him the world on a silver platter and he could barely give you a couple minutes of his time because he was always so busy. For months, you’ve been debating on breaking up with him, especially because you were so in love with him and just like Mark, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him and only him. 

However, the longer you continued your relationship, the more unhappy you became and sometimes it felt as if you weren’t even in a relationship. Breaking up with Mark was the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your entire life and as soon as he sank on to the floor, sobbing and heaving; begging you to change your mind, you knew you made a mistake. Mark has never been the same since you’ve left. 

Although it’s been over five months since the night you broke his heart and took whatever was left of it with you, things only got worse for him as the days went on. He missed you more and more every day and even if the guys did their best in cheering him up and attempting to help him move on by setting him up with other girls, there was just no getting over you. 

As soon as Mark and his manager got settle down at their gate, they took their seats and Mark decided to stay away from his phone for a while. Sometimes, all the comments, posts, direct messages and tweets on social media could be so toxic and he couldn’t help but overthink at all the negativity. It was in those moments where he would run to you. 

Other than Got7 and his family, you were the only person he trusted and he trusted you with his entire life. That says a lot. Mark was an extremely private person. He had a hard time trusting and opening up to people. The only reason why he portrayed himself as such a shy and introverted person was because he didn’t want people taking advantage of him and his kindness. 

After meeting you, getting to know you and dating you for so long, Mark learned that his happiness, health and success was your main priority. You always stayed up until the wee hours of the morning to talk to him and to listen to him vent about his worries and all of his problems and not once did you complain about how tired you probably were or how repetitive he was sounding but that’s because you loved him so much and wanted to be there for him no matter what time it was, who you were with or what you were doing. 

You’d drop anything and everyone for Mark and he was forever grateful. You were so selfless and never expected anything in return for your patience and generosity. Mark always felt so safe with you. You were his home and God, he was homesick. He took a look at his passport in disgust. This was one of the main reasons why you could no longer handle being in a relationship with him. 

Almost every single page was filled out with many difference countries and cities all around the world. China, Japan, Australia, New York, Russia, Italy, Brazil, Philippines. He only had a couple of pages left to fill up and he knew he’d need a new passport by the end of the month. What bothered him even more was knowing that he had just gotten this passport less than five months ago. 

Right after he returned back home to your upsetting decision, his management gave him a new passport and informed him that he had a schedule in Thailand just three days later. It wasn’t that he hated traveling; no. Mark loved seeing all these different places, trying their food, meeting their people and learning about their cultures. 

It was being away from you that he hated the most. No matter how many times you told him you were excited for him to explore and live his best life, he knew you wanted to be there alongside of him experiencing it all too because that’s all he wanted. Every high that went on in his life, he wanted you right there by his side basking in his excitement with him. 

Learning how to live without you was a painful experience and he became so unhappy to the point where he took a few days off from the tour in order to see a therapist for his depression. Mark knew how much you meant to him the minute he told Jaebeom he wanted to leave Got7 in order to be with you. 

The leader thought it was an extremely abrupt and stupid decision on Mark’s part but he understood where his older friend was coming from. He witnessed the way you and Mark looked at one another. If he had to describe what love was, it was in your gazes alone that could explain what the four letter word meant. 

Everyone and their mothers knew just how much you and Mark loved and cared for one another. When Mark told the six of them that you broke up with him, they were in disbelief. Sure, the six of them had girlfriends and even a couple of flings and one night stands every now and then but you were the only constant girlfriend amongst their group and they all felt that you both would get married to each other once their careers were to settle down. 

Jinyoung and Jackson were the closest with Mark; so they saw just how much the breakup had wrecked him and no matter how much they tried to tell him that you were going to come back and that you just needed some time without him, he didn’t believe anything anyone had to say. If you still loved him, you’d still be with him no matter how hard your relationship was. The passport began to taunt him the longer he stared at it. 

“This is all your fucking fault.” He began to flick at the pages earning himself a look of confusion from his manager. 

“Hey, everything okay?” Mark shook his head in disagreement. 

“I’m just tired. I’ll go get some coffee or something. Be right back.” 

He didn’t care what his manager’s response was and he couldn’t care less if he were to get followed. Mark wasn’t even much of a coffee person. You were taking up the entirety of his thinking process and he just needed some time to think. Something to distract him. When he walked up to the coffee shop, there were two people in front of him but he paid none of them any mind and went on his phone. 

The guys were wishing him safe travels and hoped that the photo shoot and filming for a reality tv show he was going to be on went well. A small smile rose on his face at the idea of how much they all loved and cared about him. He really didn’t know what he were to do or how he would cope without them. 

“I’ll have a venti iced matcha latte. Thank you.” 

It was in that moment that time froze. He knew that voice anywhere. It was etched in to the back of his head and imprinted on his heart. Your laugh along with your sweet, soft voice was one of Mark’s favorite sounds and he would listen to you talk all day if he could. He looked at the person currently at the cash register and shook his head in disbelief. Mark had to be hallucinating. It must’ve been the lack of sleep. There was no way that could’ve been you. 

The girl had extremely short hair, up to her shoulders compared to the long, silky waves you’ve had for the last few years that Mark loved so much. She was also wearing something completely different than what you had in your wardrobe. The older boy knew you like the back of his hand. He knew each and every curve on your body; on top of every birth and beauty mark scattered throughout your skin. Surely he would’ve known if it was you. It was possible for someone to have the same exact voice as you—wasn’t it? 

Sure, the girl ordered your favorite drink, but everyone seemed to be in to matcha these days. It didn’t mean anything. Bringing his attention back to his phone, he tried his best to take his mind off of comparing you and the girl in front of him. However, once the cashier asked for the girl’s name, his entire world came crashing down on him. 

“Y/n.” 

It was you. But so much has changed about you in the last few months. Once you got out of line and made your way off to the side, it was in that moment Mark confirmed that yes, it was you. So many questions began running through his mind. What were you doing there at the airport? Why did you cut your hair and change your style? Was it an effect of the breakup? Did you know he was there? You had to—or least have heard that some kind of celebrity was there with the way that the paparazzi and fans were filling up the gateway. 

A part of him wanted to turn around and pretend as if he didn’t see you, but another part of him, one he understood was his heart was begging for him to go and talk to you. It would be alright wouldn’t it? It’s been months and the two of you started off as friends in the first place. It was only normal for him to say hi. Matter of a fact, it would’ve been rude if he didn’t. Once he made his way up to the cashier, he was quick to see the way a grin quickly rose on her face. 

“Hi, what can I get for you to—today.” He gave her a polite smile before looking up at the menu board. 

“Just a grande iced caramel macchiato with two shots of espresso please—oh and one cream cheese scone. Thank you.” He reached out to take out his wallet but she shook her head. 

“It’s on the house Mark. I’m a huge fan. Have a nice rest of your day.” 

He thanked her politely and wished her a nice day before making his way toward where you were standing. You were currently on your phone and he began to have an internal argument with himself on whether or not he should go up and talk to you. What could go wrong? 

Well, you could pretend as if you didn’t know who he was and just leave him looking like an idiot, or you could start a conversation with him like you normally did. Right as he was about to open his mouth and say something to you, his order was being called. He looked over to where you were standing to see if hearing his name had any effect on you, but you continued to stand there and scrolled through your phone. 

Just go you idiot. She’s obviously moved on, let her be. 

Listening to his conscience would’ve been the smart thing to do, but Mark was never all that bright and he bought that scone specifically for you. Taking in a deep breath, he walked over to you and before he could say anything, you looked up to see the new presence that joined you in the corner and practically jumped as if you saw a ghost. Although you looked completely different, you still looked breathtakingly beautiful. 

You lost some weight which was expected from how hard you’ve been working, you weren’t wearing any makeup other than what Mark knew was tinted moisturizer and when he noticed you were wearing the necklace he bought for you on your third anniversary, his heart rate increased. 

“Hey.” 

You continued to look up at him in shock and he couldn’t help the giggle that fell from his lips at how adorable you looked. Your eyes were widened in shock and it was as though you saw a ghost. Technically, he was considerably a ghost of your past—so seeing your blank expression did tug on his heartstrings. He might have thought that approaching you was a good idea once he first laid his eyes on you and confirmed that it was indeed you, but now he was regretting it. When he realized you weren’t going to say anything, he handed you the scone. 

“I uh—I got this for you. I know how much you love your cream cheese scones.” 

After taking in a couple of deep breaths, you finally allowed yourself to process what was going on and that’s when you felt a tear fall down your cheek. 

“Thank you. Um—hi—sorry, I—hi. How have you been?” 

Although it was you who initiated the break up, you found yourself following and keeping up with everything Got7 was doing. Specifically the man standing in front of you. Seeing him again after your last night together made you feel a whole bunch of emotions. You were excited but your heart felt as if it was about to burst out of your chest. You had no right to crave his presence, you broke his heart and decided you no longer wanted to be the lucky girl who got to love him and be loved by him. 

It wasn’t that you wanted to break up with him. Breaking up with Mark was the biggest mistake you’ve ever made. He was your person. Your soulmate. Your safe haven. The man standing in front of you was all you wanted for the rest of your life. But it was all getting too much for you at one point. The long distance was getting too much for you to handle. 

Then came the rumors; no matter how quick he was to shut down any rumor, it was only natural for you to grow insecure and feel as if there was something going on with him and the idols he was included in rumors with. Your mental health was worsening the longer he was away and it was affecting your job and your education. You knew that breaking up with him was a permanent decision and that there was no going back once it happened. However, all you knew and have ever known was Mark. 

You always lived for him; always put him first. You needed to live without him. You needed to grow and learn to love yourself before you could continue loving him. The feeling of his finger wiping away the tear that fell made butterflies erupt in your tummy. His touch felt all too familiar yet so foreign and you wanted nothing more than for him to continue. 

“I’m uh—I’m alright. What are you doing here? You look extremely beautiful by the way. Although, I always preferred your long hair, short hair looks really good on you.” 

You didn’t have to see yourself to know your cheeks were probably red from his sweet words. Mark always knew exactly what to say to make you blush. Plus, it’s been a while since someone complimented you and the last time someone did, it just so happened to be the beautiful boy standing in front of you. Mark complimented you on a daily basis as if his life depended on it. He was very vocal about wanting you to know just how beautiful you are and how he thinks the entire world of you. 

“Thank you. I wanted to try something new I guess. It was getting too hard to manage and Korea is extremely hot during the summer. You look great! Your hair is really long now, but I like it. I’m actually going to Vietnam for a conference. What about you?” 

He gave you a knowing look as he shrugged indifferently. He didn’t want to bring it up, he was afraid of what would happen once he brought up work. The last thing he wanted was to ruin things before they could even begin to bloom. 

“I have a couple of photo shoots in China and then I’m meeting BamBam in Thailand for a reality show. What time is your flight?” 

There was nothing more that Mark wanted than to pull you in to his embrace but he was afraid of your reaction. It’s been so long since he last held you in his arms and he still had yet to really understand why you left, but he wanted you to come back home. He wanted you to come back to him. 

No matter how many wonderful things happened to him on a daily basis, nothing else mattered to him the way you and your presence did. He couldn’t fathom in to words just how much you were a literal ray of sunshine on his many cloudy days. He was nothing without you; and he didn’t realize just how much of a positive impact you had on him until you were no longer his. You were his reason; the meaning behind his entire existence. 

A life without you was one he no longer wanted to continue living. You were at the same airport at the exact same time—it had to mean something. Mark knew you like the back of his hand; being with someone for such a long time would do that to you. He could tell what you were thinking or how you were feeling just by looking at you and your mannerisms, yet looking at you right now, he had no idea what was on your mind and it worried him. 

Were you also thinking that the two of you meeting in the same area after months of being apart was a sign that the two of you were meant to do so? You were a firm believer in fate, soulmates and anything that had to deal with supernatural powers. Did that mean you too felt the same way Mark was currently feeling? You had to. You lived in Los Angeles and you only ever visited Korea when you were still dating Mark. 

There wasn’t a reason he could think of for you to come back. His flight could have been the day before and yours could have been set for the next week but no. You were both there; both deciding to stop by for coffee before your flights. This was no coincidence and even if it was, Mark was currently thanking whatever higher power brought the two of you to the airport that day. 

He was determined to bring you back in to his life, even if it was just to be a friend. Since the break up, you practically dropped off the face of the earth. You deleted every single social media account, changed your number and you even had your mom come up with excuses as to why you no longer wanted anything to do with him. There was no way he could keep up with you, so he had no idea if you already had someone else in your life. 

He wasn’t going to do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable, but he was going to do whatever he possibly could to return things back to what they were. He missed his old self; the Mark he was back when he had a purpose. Back when he had something—someone worth fighting for. Someone worth surviving for. 

You. It’s always been you from the time you walked in to his life all those years ago and it’s always going to be you. 

There was really no getting over you. You were the owner of his heart and he was afraid that he would be alone for the rest of his life because he was confident you were it for him. He’s been thinking about you every single day since you told him you no longer wanted to be with him anymore. How were you doing? How long have you been wanting a breakup for? When did you realize Mark wasn’t the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? If you were suffering and missing him the way he was with you? 

The two of you could have worked things out; he knew there was a lot more meaning behind your words. Deep down, Mark knew a huge part of your decision to break up with him was because of his career. The idol life was extremely rough; the guys received so much hate on a daily basis, their company treated them like shit and they didn’t get the recognition they obviously deserved. 

They promised Mark many different photo shoots, deals with top fashion houses like Hermès, Chanel and Tiffany co. They also told him that he could return back to California to spend time with his family. Unfortunately, every single thing the company promised to him turned out to be a lie. Some of the other members got to experiment with acting, dancing and putting out solo albums. 

However, every time Mark would bring up wanting to try out any of these activities, his company was quick to shut him down every single time. He had a gut feeling that a lot of the employees under the division that made the decisions all had it out for him and he never understood why. The older boy was one of the kindest, generous, soft spoken and gentle people not only in the company but just in general. 

In fact, it was Mark’s polite personality that caught the attention of the people who scouted him over a decade ago. Honestly, the mistreatment was getting too much for him to handle. He knew he and the rest of Got7 deserved so much better. They all had so much potential to be one of the greatest groups in KPOP, but their company continued to hold them back for no reason at all. All the mistreatment they were receiving on top of losing you—it got too much for Mark to handle and at one point, he even thought about leaving Got7. He didn’t have the courage to talk to any of the members about his feelings or anyone for that matter. 

Although he didn’t know the entire reasoning behind your sudden disappearance, it didn’t take a genius to know that you were fed up dating a KPOP idol. Hell, even if Mark knew you were the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, he wasn’t wholeheartedly sure that you felt that way too. For all he knew, every time you talked about your future with him, you could have said it in the moment. 

Nobody knows what the future holds but God—Mark wanted nothing more than for you to end up in his. If he could, he would go back in to the past and change everything negative that went on in your relationship. The two of you hardly ever got in to arguments; there wasn’t anything for the two of you to fight about. Sure, there were a couple disagreements every now and then, but it was only ever about food or chores. If and when the two of you did argue, It was about the distance. 

Got7 had gone on tour every single year since the beginning of your relationship. Their tours normally lasted for six months and unfortunately, being a full time college student with a full time job prevented you from getting to travel along with him. This meant that you only ever saw him when he was in Korea and even then, he would be at practice or in the studio. 

It had to be hard on you; you were still so young and quite the romantic. It was only natural for you to want to be around your boyfriend as much as you could. Mark hated any time spent away from you. As much as he loved hanging out with Got7, if he had the choice, he’d spend all of his time with you. If only he tried harder for you—if only he fought harder to get you to stay, he’d still be coming home to you and finding solace in your arms after a long day. He wouldn’t be so torn—so broken and so depressed. You brought out the best in him; you might have been standing right in front of him, but you were so far away. 

“I’m actually supposed to be heading to my gate here pretty soon. My flight is in an hour but we’ll be boarding in less than half an hour—“

“Order for y/n!” 

You gave him a small smile and walked over to the counter, quickly taking your beverage and making your way back over to him. Mark could feel his heart rate rapidly beating against his chest. Did he really spend almost five years of his life with you? It felt like a fever dream? He felt like a school boy watching you—his gaze not leaving your frame once. 

“Oh—cool.”

“What about you?”

“My flight isn’t for another two hours. My manager just wanted to get here early so that we wouldn’t have to worry about checking in.” 

The truth was, Mark and his manager weren’t actually supposed to be there so early. In most of his trips, they would show up to the airport with only minutes to make it to their gate. Since they would always fly first class, there wasn’t too much of a wait. That’s why he knew seeing you there was more than just a mere coincidence. 

You hummed in understanding and averted your gaze to the ground. Seeing your sudden change in emotion on top of your now awkward demeanor made his stomach sore. Being an idol was a once in a lifetime experience which he was extremely grateful for. He loved performing, he loved meeting fans and traveling the world with his six other best friends. But he would give everything up just to be the man you called your husband. 

That’s all he ever wanted. Being an idol would never allow him that freedom whatsoever and that was one of the cons he hated the most about his career. If people were to know that he was in a relationship with you, then maybe the two of you wouldn’t have had so many arguments about the dating rumors that surrounded him. 

KPOP fans could be so delusional sometimes. Whenever two idols would interact with each other or simply glance at one another, people would call them out and say that they were dating. Mark being the friendly person he was would always do things for the female idols he would work alongside. He knew that no matter how many times he would reassure you that there was nothing going on with him and a female idol, it was only human of you to grow insecure and feel as though something was up. He was very jealous and insecure whenever it came to you. 

One time, you went out with a few of your friends to a bar and got plastered to the point where one of your guy friends had to take you home. Since nobody other than the members of Got7 and both his and your family members knew about your relationship, this meant that Mark had yet to meet your group of friends but he was familiar with a few of them because you would talk to him about them. 

This friend however, wasn’t one that he was aware of, nor did he want to be. When he heard a buzz on his door and opened it to see your friend carrying you bridal style with your arms wrapped tightly around his neck as your face was smashed against his chest, he could feel is blood boiling and it wasn’t a good feeling. 

You weren’t purposely trying to make him jealous and because you didn’t think too highly of yourself in the first place, you didn’t think Mark had any reason to be jealous. He wanted to rip you from out of your friend’s arms and hide you away—it wasn’t that he was jealous of your friend’s looks although Mark could see that he was pretty good looking. Mark wasn’t cocky, he was very humble but he was well aware he was extremely handsome. Yet, he knew that your friend could give you what Mark couldn’t. 

Your friend could provide for you in ways that Mark couldn’t. Your friend could spend all of his time with you—call you and text you on an hourly basis. There were so many men that could do things for you that Mark wasn’t physically able to and it bothered him. Come to think of it, although he had no right to worry about what you did anymore, he was curious if you were in a relationship—and if you were dating that friend. 

He never said anything about it once you sobered you the next day in fear of a fight breaking out, but he’s been very cautious about who you hung out with while he was away. Mark was confident in the love that you held for him. You would confess your love for him physically and verbally every single day, so cheating wasn’t even a thought on his mind. However, he was afraid of you coming to the realization that you didn’t want to continue staying in a relationship with someone you hardly ever saw. 

“Nice! Oh, congratulations by the way! You finally released a solo song. I’m so proud of you! It’s amazing by the way. I had to look up the English translation since I don’t speak a word of Chinese, but it was beautiful.” 

I wrote it about you. 

From the day you walked out on him up until now, every single song he wrote was about you. Missing you—wishing you were still his, wanting to give up the game and fortune to be with you. The misery he was suffering; every word he wrote came straight from his heart. You actually kept up with him? You actually listened to his music? It didn’t come as a shocker; you were the definition of supportive. 

If you were able to, you’d attend their concerts, you’d constantly listen to their music and you’d wear and even purchase some merchandise. Everything you did never failed to put a smile on his face. Why did he take you for granted? Whoever said the famous line you never know what you have until it’s gone was right and he hated that they were. 

“Thanks. I’m glad that you enjoyed it.” 

That had to be the understatement of the year. He was over the moon that you listened to it. Right as he released the song, you were the first person he wanted to hear it. You were who the song was written about, so of course he wanted you to listen to it. It made him wonder though, how did you stumble across of it? Were you just scrolling on social media and it popped up, or did you search his name—curious as to how he was doing? 

What did you think about the lyrics? Did you think he wrote it about you? You had to know; you were the only girl in his life, a lot of the songs he’s written for Got7 were about you and you were aware of it. This time was no different. He had no intentions of telling you, well, at least not right now. But he was hoping you already knew without him having to confess it to you. Silence surrounded the both of you and he mentally cursed himself for not knowing what to say. Mark felt like an idiot. There were so many questions he had and so many things he wanted to tell you, but it wasn’t the time and he didn’t want to scare you away. 

“I should get going. I can’t afford to miss my flight. It was nice seeing you again Mark. I hope you have a wonderful day and a safe trip. Take care.” 

You gently waved at him and thanked him once more for the scone. His heart began to beg him to at least go in for a hug or to ask you to maybe start all over. It’s been so long since he last held you in his arms and it just felt so tempting. Only then did he realize where he was and there was no way he could get caught hugging someone—even more so his ex-girlfriend. Korean reporters would have a field day. 

“You too. Have fun in Vietnam!” 

With one last smile, you were gone and it all felt like deja vu to him. Seeing you walk away with your luggage brought back painful memories of him crying on the kitchen floor, wrapping himself around your leg—begging you to rethink your decision. He felt like such a child then, not allowing you to leave because he could tell that once you were to finally leave the apartment, that was it. This time though, it hurt him so much more. 

You were back in his life even if it were only for a couple of minutes. He had hope—he prayed that seeing him again would make you realize that you missed him and that maybe at the time, the break up was something you thought would be a good idea but now you were regretting it. He dragged himself slowly back to his gate and slumped in to the chair next to his manager. If the older man thought something was wrong, he didn’t say anything and Mark was glad. 

This manager was one of his favorites. He was very nice to Mark and took good care of him. However, he knew it was protocol for him to report any funny business back to the higher ups in the company. The image of you began to haunt him; he couldn’t think straight knowing you were less than a mile away from him. He started to weigh out his options; there was no way he’d allow this chance to go to waste. 

It’s only been a few months; but heartbreak really does change a person. He didn’t want to suffer anymore. That’s why he found himself standing up and apologizing to his manager, stating that he’d be right back. Knowing that you were just minutes away from boarding, he practically sprinted throughout the gates—doing his best to find the flight to Vietnam. It wasn’t as if there were many gates. All Asian countries were in the same area and both China and Japan were next to his gate, so he had a hunch your gate wasn’t too far away. 

“Flight 0904 to Vietnam will start boarding passengers in ten minutes. Please begin making your way to the gate.” 

He swore under his breath as he was running around looking like a madman. Only you had this effect on him. At this point, he didn’t even care if someone recognized him and either took photos of him or recorded him. He needed to find you and tell you how he felt. 

There was a possibility that you’d either freeze or tell him that you didn’t feel anything for him any more. In that case, there was nothing he could do about it. He’d just have to accept the truth as it was. Once he saw the word Vietnam in bold letters, he took a sharp turn and looked throughout the passengers—wanting nothing more than to finally find you. Actually, it didn’t take too long for his vision to land on you. 

Mark could point you out in a crowded room. In concerts with thousands of fans in attendance, he would always find you without trouble. That’s just how love worked. He wasted no time walking towards you and immediately sank down on his knees. There were so many red flags going off in his mind, telling him to turn around and that it was too late but he refused to listen. 

It took you a couple of seconds to register what was happening and you brought your gaze up to the other passengers who were waiting to board. Their expressions of shock and interest made it clear to you that no—you weren’t hallucinating. Seeing him in the coffee shop was already a lot to take in. It almost felt like you were asleep and you dreamt this entire thing but no; he was kneeling right in front of you. 

“Mark, what are you—“

“I shouldn’t have let you go. Not ten minutes ago. Not five months ago. Fuck—I couldn’t just sit and pretend that it’s a coincidence that we’re both here. You know me better than anyone else y/n, I never used to believe in that fate bullshit. But that was before you became my life. I could have flew out yesterday and you could have flown out later on this evening but here we are. At the exact same airport at the exact same time. You never told me why you left—I’ve been trying to come up with reasons for myself just so I could get closure but nothing makes sense. Look—I know I was a shit boyfriend and I know you deserve someone so much better than me, but I’m selfish. All I’ve ever wanted in my life was someone who could love me the way you do—the way you did so passionately. I know I took you for granted and there aren’t enough words in the English dictionary for me to explain just how sorry I am for all that I’ve put you through. I’m sorry for not being there for you as much as I should have, I’m sorry for not giving you the love and support you’ve never failed to give me, I’m sorry for not giving you the time and attention you deserved. There’s no excuse for my actions, there really isn’t. But I just need you to know, these past few months have been an actual living hell for me. I didn’t realize how blessed I was to have you in my life until you were no longer mine. I don’t expect you to come back to me. I’m sure you were suffering in our relationship, so this is my karma. I just want you to know that I still love you, I never stopped and I don’t think I ever will. That’s what scares me the most. Damnit, I don’t even know if you’re in a relationship or not. I shouldn’t have assumed—ahhh, forget I said anything. Have a safe flight.” 

You felt the need to throw up. It wasn’t a bad feeling, but it was one of those situations where you were extremely lightheaded and on the verge of passing out. Why did he think that confessing all of that was the right thing to do? Especially in the middle of an airport with dozens of eyes now staring at the both of you. It’s as though he knew exactly what he was doing putting you on the spot like that. He knew you’d give in to him seeing as though you brought attention to a growing crowd. 

People enjoy watching couple’s drama and the thing was, Mark wasn’t exactly quiet while pouring out his heart to you. Then again, you knew Mark wasn’t the type to do that. He was extremely soft spoken, so with the way he was practically raising his voice at you, it was obvious he meant business. 

You were hoping that nobody would recognize him—fearing that he would get in a lot of trouble if word were to get out about the two of you. His reaction amazed you though; he didn’t seem the least bit phased at the idea of both his and your photo being plastered all over newspapers. 

You could see the headlines now; KPOP idol Mark Tuan causes a scene with unknown female at airport. Is this his current girlfriend? Or a former flame? 

The gentle tug on your shirt is what broke you out of your thoughts. His pained expression felt like a slap to your face. He was right; you never gave him an actual reasoning for breaking up with him, but who could blame you? You were a coward. If you were to tell him of your insecurities and the fact that you were genuinely unhappy because you couldn’t even consider your relationship a legitimate one, he would have made promises on changing and making things better and you would probably have listened to him and these last couple of months would never had happened. But you were confident that nothing would change. 

You weren’t stupid; Mark was both a man of words and actions and it was a trait of his that you appreciated. Yet, sometimes he made promises only to break them not too long after. A lot of the time though, it wasn’t his fault. His schedule kept him from many dates, vacations, trips to visit your family and just spending time together back at your shared apartment. You’d always feel like the odd one out; being the only person without a significant other. 

Things like that never really bothered you until one of your friends pulled you to the side after dinner and asked you if you could really see yourself putting up with the current situation you were in with Mark for however long more he’d be an idol for. You should have been honest with him; he deserved to know the truth but then again, you were very good at running away from your problems. 

Although her words weren’t the only reason why you ended things, they did open your eyes to the fact that if you did continue to stay with Mark, you’d lose yourself completely. Mark was your main priority. You would always put him first no matter how busy or tired you were. It was when you realize he never did the same for you that you accepted the idea of leaving him for good. Hearing him confess that he was still in love with you though, and that he was genuinely nothing without you made you feel something you haven’t quite felt since you left. 

Even if you were the one who decided that you didn’t want to continue having him as your person for the time being, your romantic feelings for Mark never stopped nor did they ever waver. There were days where you missed him dearly; even if he was gone all the time, he was still your boyfriend and they two of you stayed in contact enough for you to forget about the distance even if it were just for a little while. 

Sometimes, you’d find yourself typing in his number and writing a message to him, but then you’d stop yourself mid sentence, only then remembering the breakup and that you were the one who initiated it. You constantly reminded yourself that the breakup was the best decision you could make not only for you but for Mark too. 

Your relationship probably held him back from so much and although he never once complained about having a significant other, you could visibly see that he was exhausted from all of his scheduled activities—having to come home, entertain you and show you affection had to add on more weight to his shoulders. You couldn’t blame him for being so tired; Got7 practiced for ten to twelve hours a day then they’d go straight in to the studio to write and record songs. 

They’d also film reality tv shows and other kinds of segments, so when he’d come home—his body language would speak for him since he never seemed to have the courage to tell you that he was worn out from a long day. The idea of wanting him back was stupid since you were the one who walked away. But you missed him just as much as he claimed to miss you. You wished things could be different so that you could actually enjoy the experience of an actual relationship—yet, you would rather go months without seeing Mark, kissing him, holding him and being held by him, running to him whenever life could get too tough and being the girl that all his fans and the people who adored him could only wish to be in the place of. 

You were confident that there would be no one else for you and being without him for such a long time made you accept that you no longer wanted to continue doing so anymore. You continued to sit there; not knowing what to say or do really. Your mind was drawing a complete blank. Slowly, Mark got up from off the floor and softly bowed in your direction, taking the silence as your answer. As he began to walk away, the tight grip on his wrist made him smile like an idiot to himself. 

“When do you get back?” He turned around and looked at you in curiosity, but quickly grabbed his phone from out of his back pocket and flipped through his calendar faster than you’ve ever seen anyone do before. 

“Two weeks. How come?”

“Can you wait for me?”

Wait, did this mean what he could only hope and dream that it meant? Were you—were you going to give him another chance? Sure, he would have preferred an explanation as to why you broke up with him and what went on in your mind for the last couple of months. But he understood that there was a time and place for such a serious topic.

He wasn’t thinking when he literally poured out his heart out to you. When the two of you were together, the entire world would disappear. Maybe that’s why he pushed away the thought of causing a scene in the middle of an airport, surrounded by at least fifty strangers. He lost all his sanity whenever it came to you and he was just so focused on trying to bring you back in to his life to even care about the consequences that would come with the news of his relationship with you. 

“Of course I can—I’ll wait however long I need to for you. But, um—what am I going to be waiting for?” To his surprise yet excitement, you brought one of your hands up to his face and gently grazed his cheek. He wasted no time leaning his face in to your palm and left a soft kiss against your wrist.

“I’m yours, if you’ll have me again. I’ve missed you, more than I’m willing to admit. I won’t lie and say I made a mistake in breaking up with you. We needed this—well, I needed this. I gave my entire being; my mind, heart, body and soul to you. I did everything for you. To make you happy and by doing so, I became so depressed. I wasn’t myself anymore and I wanted to fall back in love with myself before I could continue loving you. You’re right, there’s no way us meeting up is mere coincidence. As soon as you walked up to me, I knew God brought us together. I love you Mark. I’m sorry, I know I have a lot of explaining to do but it’s going to have to wait. I love you, so much. I’ve missed you so much.”

Without hesitance or scanning the area to see whether or not the eyes were still on you, he threw himself at you and connected your lips with his. Although it’s been a while since you’ve last kissed him, your lips melded perfectly together as if the break never happened. His lips were soft and tasted like cherry chapstick and coffee. 

God, how did you go so long without kissing the beautiful man in front of you? As much as you wanted to continue your little make out session, only then did it occur to you that you and Mark weren’t alone and that there was a chance someone recognized him. He whined adorably when you pulled your mouth away from his but with the knowing look you sent his way, he understood why you did so. 

“Wow, I just—wow. Kissing you was always one of my favorite past times with you. Well, other than cuddling, taking naps, making love and—ow! What? I’m being honest baby. I’ve missed every single thing about you. I’m so fucking happy. This time will be different, I promise. I know how it is to live without you and let me tell you, it was actual hell on earth. Every single day felt like a month. Not hearing that contagious laugh of yours, not seeing that breathtaking smile and not having your arms around me—it fucking sucked. I should’ve fought harder to prevent you from leaving, but none of that matters anymore. You’re here now. You’re back in my life and I have no intention on ever letting you go again. I love you so much y/n, more than you’ll ever be able to fathom with that pretty head of yours.” 

He pulled you in for a tight hug; placing his chin on your head and rubbing your back soothingly. The two of you stood there for a couple of minutes, it didn’t even hit you that he was there and that he was going to be yours again. Honestly, you wanted to just say fuck it and reach out to your supervisor, stating that you were unable to make it to Vietnam. Now that the two of you were rekindling your relationship, you wanted to be around him as much as you could. You trusted that he was going to keep his word and take care of you this time. He left soft kisses in your hair and began running his hands along your sides. 

“Mmm—I’ve missed this.”

“Me too.” He was about to lean in for another kiss but you playfully leaned away. 

“Babeeeee—“

“Mark, if anyone recognizes you—“

“I don’t give a shit. Let them. If people find out that I’m in love, then good. I want everyone to know about you. My heart has been yours for years now and it’s going to stay that way for the rest of our lives. I’d give up being an idol if it meant finally getting to settle down and start living the life we’ve always wanted. If I can’t wait too long, maybe I’ll just fly to Vietnam and we can—“

“Flight 0904 to Vietnam is now boarding. Please take out your tickets and start heading to the gate.” A soft groan fell from Mark’s lips and you took this time to steal a few kisses from him. He smiled against your lips and cheekily squeezed your waist. “Do you still have the same number?”

“Mhm, you?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. I never deleted it, but just like everything else about you, your number is tattooed on my heart. Have a safe flight. Text me as soon as you land. Have a great trip baby. I’ll try to call and text you as much as possible. I love you y/n. Thank you for coming back to me. See you soon.”

[krreader]

TXT reacting to their girlfriend finally debuting.

pairing: txt x idol!reader fandom: txt ; bts warnings: / genre: fluff ; hints of angst word count: 1.3k+

a/n: heeey beautiful, thanks for the request and I hope you like it ♥

choi yeonjun

Yeonjun knew how big of a deal this would be, having you debut in a KPOP group with your background. And well, BigHit thought so too.

You were the secret card they wanted to use to draw everyone in and because it was BigHit we are talking about, they got a thirty seconds teaser for their new girl group at an award show and while the first 25 seconds were showing your other members and reeling in cheer after cheer, the last five minutes were dedicated to you.

And the moment you turned around and smirked into the camera, the audience lost their shit.

BTS was thankfully cheering their ass off, so Yeonjun could do so too without it looking suspicious.

Of course, BTS were simply cheering for their new colleagues, whereas Yeonjun was cheering for his girlfriend of two years, ever since you joined the company.

choi soobin

Soobin's eyes scanned the room as he was about to sit down, smiling at you when he finally spotted you sitting somewhere in the back with your two trainee colleagues.

You and him have been dating for almost half a year now, but not even the company knew. They probably wouldn't contest to it, since you were keeping it under wraps well and were under the same company, after all, but you wanted to keep it a secret as long as you possibly could.

“Sit down, they'll suspect something,” Taehyun pulled him down by his sleeve, “Besides, it's starting.”

This was BigHit's annual conference in regards to plans for the next year. That included already existing groups, such as TXT and then again, groups that would be formed.

“Now, let's get to the part that a lot of you have been waiting for,” Bang PD looked up into the crowd of trainee's, idols and staff members, “The new groups debuting next year.”

Soobin instantly crossed his fingers and made the other members do it too.

You had worked so hard the last year, you deserved to be on that list.

And.. well..

“We thought a lot about what we want to do. Debuting multiple girl groups this year isn't a good idea, we need to take it one step at a time. So for now, we'll focus on only one group,” Bang PD pressed a button for the next slide of his powerpoint. On that slide, there were six pictures.

And your face was on one.

Everyone cheered and Soobin was one of the first to get up and clap proudly, wishing he could go over to you and hug you so tightly, but he'd do that later tonight. For now, he was content just watching you hug your best friends with tears running down your cheeks.

He was so proud.

choi beomgyu

You were so nervous, after all, this was your first performance after you made your debut two days ago.

But as if the producers of this show had known, the MC for this broadcast was none other than your boyfriend.

Choi Beomgyu from TXT.

He obviously had to be professional when the camera was rolling, but his presence in the room alone was enough for you to feel more at ease.

And as soon as the cameras were off, he pulled you behind his and your members to get a bit of privacy and kissed your cheek, “You'll do great, okay?”

"Are you sure?” you shifted from one foot to the other, “Everyone’s counting on me.”

“Listen to me,” he cupped your face, “You worked your butt off for this. You’ll do great, you just have to believe in yourself like I believe in you.”

The longer you looked into his determined eyes, the more you started to believe him until you finally began to smile.

“Okay...”

kang taehyun

Your company knew what the audience liked to see when it came down to a new girl group. They needed the fans – which would mostly be men – to be interested in you. You could go at this two ways, the cutesy way or the sexy way. But your company was like, why choose one when you could have both?

And so your debut song was one that YouTube nowadays liked to call “Plot Twist Songs”, with your group showing a sexy and cute side in one video. And as Taehyun was watching the video for the first time, he knew that this would do incredibly well with his gender.

“So? What do you think?” you asked with an excited grin, taking your phone out of his hand, “Pretty cool, huh?”

“Yeah.. you're going to have so many fans by tomorrow,” but then why did that sound.. upset? Isn’t that something to be excited about?

Your smile slowly faltered, then your shoulders dropped, “You disapprove.”

“No, I don't, it's just,” he raised his eyebrows as he tried to defend himself, but the moment he looked into your eyes, he let out a sigh, “I'm just worried, (Y/N). Our fans aren't like that, because we focus on our soft side. But with those outfits and lines..-”

“You think your fans don't thirst over you just because you release songs that are on the softer side?” you let out a snort and got up, “Forget it.”

“No, wait!” your boyfriend ran after you when you wanted to leave his bedroom.

It's not that he didn't like it, of course he did, you were in that video, that alone made him love it! He just had to come to terms that by this time tomorrow, he'd have to share you with millions.

Of course, he forgot that you had been doing that for a year now already.

kai huening

You had been a trainee as long as Kai had. He had made his debut at this point, but you were still just a trainee.

He tried to give you hope that it would happen soon, but by now, you were starting to believe that you'd never make your debut. That BigHit was simply keeping you around because they were trying to find the right time to let you go.

Kai was currently going upstairs because he needed to talk to his manager and passed by Bang PD's office on his way there. The door was slightly ajar, not enough for him to see who he was talking to, but enough to hear what they were talking about.

“I thought about this for a long time. (Y/N) isn't good for a group.”

Kai froze at that, a rush of nausea hitting him.

“I understand, sir. It's just.. she'll be surprised to hear about this now after she trained for this for so long.”

“Yes, I know. Prepare her well for it.”

Your boyfriend managed to run away before he'd be spotted eavesdropping.

How could they do this to you? How dare they? After all you had sacrificed for this company, they’d just throw you away without even giving you a chance?

And what was he supposed to do? Tell you in advance so you wouldn't be too surprised or heartbroken? As his boyfriend, that seemed to be his duty.

And so he texted you and found out that you were actually still in the building. He found you scribbling something down on your iPad, smiling at him when he came into view.

But Kai wasn't smiling.

“What's wrong?” you furrowed your eyebrows in worry.

And just as he was about to say it, someone approached the two of you and the moment he spoke, Kai realized what was about to happen, because he recognized the voice. He sat down next to you and put his hand on your back, beginning to gently brush it up and down to let you know he was here.

“Can we talk, (Y/N)? Alone?”

“Ah, it's okay,” you smiled and pointed at the seat in front of you. The manager knew that you two were dating, so he allowed it.

“I just talked to the CEO. He revealed his plans for you to me and..-” the moment of silence was enough for your heart to skip multiple beats, “..- he decided that you don't fit into a girl group.”

It was almost like Kai could feel your heart break right there and then.

And when you spoke, he could tell that you were trying to hold back tears, but still be strong, “I see..”

“He wants you to debut solo.”

The manager should have recorded your faces when you both looked back at him with eyes so wide, that it looked like they were about to pop out.

“Congratulations,” he grinned happily.

[maplecornia]

Namjoon

𝔞/𝔫: this will be in Namjoon's POV

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 2.85K

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | bts x female!reader | ot7

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2024 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language

tags: @kookaine | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne | @rae-bear | @mangminnie | @pixiekooo | @cana

My hands flying across the keyboard, I have no room to think about anyone or anything else other than my work. I have no intention to think about anything else.

I've heard it said that there are those with a wasteland in their minds. They are constantly searching for something to give their life meaning, but everything they find isn't good enough. They are constantly trying to break the last record, find a new tune, discover another song to play in their hearts. They can never rest, they never want to rest for if they did they would lose their minds.

Pulling away from the board, I find that I'm shaking. My eyesight is wavering, I can't even think straight.

Am I the same as those lost?

Sighing, I hold my head in my hands.

What am I doing? I have no time to be worrying over things that don't matter. My gaze drifting, I notice a coffee cup on the table beside me, along with a small bag of snacks resting against it. Mildly amused, I stand to investigate, and find a note tied around the bag. Pulling on it, I blink in surprise at the neat but shaky Hangul written there.

Namjoon, I'm not too good at writing in Korean just yet so I hope that this is understandable.

This is a coffee cup, but if you need some water or an energy drink, I placed some beside your bag. This is a little bag of leftover snacks I found at the vending machine.

I'm sorry I couldn't find something better than this, but I hope it's enough for a small pick me up.

Please remember to get some rest tonight, I don't want you working too hard.

-Yen

I don't realize I'm crying until a tear runs from my cheek and lands on the small slip of paper. Surprised, I frantically dry the tear from the paper before holding it close to my chest as though it were my only comfort. The tears continue to run down my face, and I fall to the floor almost sobbing as unexplainable emotions surge through my body. Too fast and too many at once for me to be able to understand.

"Why...why are you so kind?"

Does she even realize the effect she has on my heart? The way she tears and turns it as though it were nothing? She doesn't even have to think twice about her actions. She doesn't do these things to gain something from me, in fact, she expects nothing, and yet...

She makes me want to give her the world.

.

.

.

"What are you talking about?"

Jaejin smiles at the question, almost as though he were dealing with a child who didn't want to let go of their parents on his first day of school. Scoffing almost, I fold my arms in indignation. Since when was I the child in this relationship?

"It's quite simple hyung, I'm going to be away for a couple of months. It's not that big of a deal."

"Not a big deal?!" Reaching forward, I stop him from packing. He looks up at me, a bit surprised. "Jaejin, need I remind you of your position? You can't just leave whenever you see fit. There are policies, systems set in place, responsibilities you have to uphold."

Jaejin rolls his eyes before politely removing my hand from his stuff.

"Namjoon, you didn't think I knew? I've already taken care of everything."

As he pulls away, rummaging in his desk for a pen and sticky note, I stare at him dumbfounded. He's leaving, isn't he? Just when I've come back, now one of my closest and most trusted friends is leaving me behind. Scolding myself, I try to push the feeling of being betrayed to the back of my mind.

Jaejin has a right to pursue his dreams, I shouldn't hold him back. This isn't something to be upset over, I should be happy for him, I should support his decision.

But I don't want to say goodbye.

He must've noticed my expression, for when he next speaks, I can tell his words were meant to comfort me.

"You know, you're going to love Yen."

"Yen?"

"That's the person coming in to replace me."

I stare at him, not wanting to believe his words. He's having someone come in to replace him as my manager? How can he expect someone I don't even know to replace him at my side? Just how long is he planning to stay away?

Almost sensing my discomfort, Jaejin turns to me and places his hand on my shoulder. "There's no reason to worry. Yen will do an amazing job, okay?"

"How can you be so sure?"

At my question, he gets this faraway look in his eye and beckons for me to join him as he settles down in one of the chairs set up at his desk.

"Yen is someone special, you'll probably notice that as you get to know her." I open my mouth to ask him how, but he holds his hand up, already foreseeing my immediate response. I roll my eyes at the gesture, understanding his point and shutting up.

"I'm not just saying this as her friend, she's someone who I think will help you a lot. Though she might not think she's qualified for the job, and she may doubt herself every second of the way, she will try her hardest to be the best she can be." Watching him talk about her, almost as though she were the thing he treasured the most on earth, both confuses and intrigues me. What is she, perfect? No person is, so what's the difference with her?

"Yen is the kind of person who speaks to others through their emotions. She knows when you're sad, angry, tired, she can see it all through a few gestures. With a simple look your way it's as though she can see all the hidden secrets of your soul." In his wistful eyes, I wonder about the history between the two of them. Missed chances, unspoken words, regrets, do they have any of those? The way he talks about her, I don't think they are merely just friends.

"My point is, she'll take care of you. You don't ever have to be afraid of losing yourself when she's around, because she'll always bring you back."

.

.

.

Holding the note in my hands now, the way it feels almost as though she were there right beside me, holding me as I shake from all the built-up pain and frustration, I realize that Jae is right.

She's always there, helping me, supporting me. She gave me a reason to continue, she showed me that I didn't have to take care of everyone all the time. She reassured me that I wasn't alone, that she would stay beside me no matter what happened.

.

.

.

"Your music changes with you, don't you know?"

As she sits across from me, her wide eyes piercing mine with their deep stare, I try to make some sense of her words. Yes, I understand that music changes, but what does that have to do with me and my struggles? I'm afraid I don't love making music anymore, and this is what she responds with?

She smiles almost understandingly at my perplexed expression, and I quickly hide it, unaware I was being so obvious.

"Namjoon, maybe the reason why you feel so trapped is not that you don't love music anymore, but rather because you're trying to recreate something from the past." My eyes widening at the thought, I pull away from the soundboard. Was that what I was doing? Trying to recreate a past sound when the sound inside has already changed?

"Music grows as you grow, it flourishes the same way. Maybe in order to find yourself again, you have to let go of what your music used to be." Turning to her, somehow I know she sees the pain and the fear reflected in my eyes.

What if who I am now isn't good enough? What if this person isn't worthy of his title? What if I've become what I've always been afraid of?

Nothing.

Reaching forward, she takes my hand into her small ones and smiles warmly my way. A smile meant to calm me down, a gesture meant to calm the storm that threatens to rise in my chest.

"That doesn't mean you have to forget, it doesn't mean you have to say goodbye. It just means you have to move on, and grow as you've done before. If there's one thing I know, it's that you are good enough. You are worthy of their love, you are worthy of everything you have ever accomplished."

She smiles somewhat cockily as her eyes locked with mine, almost making me forget my doubt.

"Now, you just have to prove it to them once more."

.

.

.

She taught me what I was doing this for, reminded me why I love music, why I chose this path. It was her light, her passion that showed me the way.

Raising myself off of the ground, and pocketing the note, I turn back to the computer. Back to my work. Wiping my tears, I sit down taking a deep breath before resuming.

I won't let her down.

note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAMJOON! I hope you have a great birthday, and continue to be the amazing leader you have been for the longest time! I'm looking forward to the day where we can see you again.

check the Infinite Stars masterlist for more chapters

check my BTS masterlist for other BTS content

check out my masterlist for other kpop fanfics

[escapewithbts]

“I’m Not Sure Anymore...” (Part One) - Hoseok

—————————————————-

You stared at the dark ceiling in your bedroom; the silence in the room was deafening. Another night where sleep was just too hard to come by. Your mind wouldn’t shut off, wouldn’t stop the memories from flooding in. They were the last things you could hold on to as 2 months ago your whole world had fallen apart. And just when you thought you were finally getting used to the changes, your brain still wanted to hold on.... as did your heart.

You shut your eyes tightly, a memory you weren’t so fond of coming into view...

Your heart stopped. You caught your breath in your throat. There on the computer screen was the infamous tweet. The reveal to all. One of Dispatch’s elusive claims of k-pop relationships. But this time, staring back at you was a member of the girl group BLACKPINK... and your own boyfriend. They were holding hands and laughing. ‘J-Hope and Jisoo: CONFIRMED’ it read. With shaky hands you scrolled down further to read the replies:

“omg they’re holding hands, it must be true!”

“Ahhh this makes me so happy! J&J are sooo cute together!”

“I really hope this isn’t fake because they make a great couple”

“She is so perfect for him! Both idols in the two most popular kpop bands! They must have so much in common!”

You immediately closed the Twitter window and slammed your laptop shut. You suddenly felt extremely nauseous and jumped up from your chair to run to the bathroom. You kneeled on the floor in front of the toilet, but nothing came out, your stomach just twisted in pain and anxiousness. You sat back against the cold tile wall and hugged your knees to your chest. You didn’t feel like crying exactly, but you felt on the brink of a panic attack.

Suddenly you heard a door slam shut and footsteps coming to the bedroom door.

“Oh my (y/n)-ahhhh, I’m baaack,” Your boyfriend’s sing-song voice rang towards the bathroom you sat in, “Where are you?”

You stood up with shaky legs and left the bathroom, entering the bedroom where Hoseok had just come in.

He smiled wide and stepped towards you.

“There’s my pretty girl,” he squeezed you tightly against him, but you wanted so badly out of his grasp, “I missed you today.”

He released you and looked at your face, his smile disappearing.

“Jagi, what’s wrong?”

You shook your head and looked at the ground.

“You haven’t seen it?” You whispered, not meeting his gaze.

He put his hands on your shoulders and attempted to meet your eyes.

“Seen what, Jagiya? What’s going on?”

You shimmied out of his grasp and stepped back.

“Check Twitter.” Was all you could say.

He looked worried as he hesitantly pulled his phone out of his back pocket.

His eyes got wide as his finger scrolled through all the accounts, the tweets, the replies. Finally he looked back up at you.

“(Y/n)...” he said softly, stepping toward you.

You backed away which caused a pained look on his face.

“Surely you must know this is all lies Jagi...”

You shook your head and looked at the ground.

“But the picture...”

He scoffed.

“It’s photoshopped, (y/n). Come on, you know how intricate these people can get these days with manipulating pictures.”

You shut your eyes tightly, the image coming back in your mind causing your stomach to twist.

“But it looks so real...” you whispered softly.

Hoseok ran a hand through his black hair.

“(Y/n)... please,” he pleaded, “You must know it’s fake. It’s all lies. They just want to make money and make people talk. You know they just do it for the attention. Please believe me, my sweet (y/n). I am only with you...”

You wanted so badly to believe him, but that picture looked so real. Dispatch had been right about couples before. And it made sense, J-Hope being with another idol. It was so much better for his career and his lifestyle. Why hadn’t you realized this before? You weren’t right for him. You were a nobody. Not used to extravagant things, so much money you couldn’t wrap your head around it, people watching your boyfriend’s every move, the rumors, the stalkers, the lack of normalcy. It was so overwhelming.

Suddenly the tears started falling and your breaths became more shallow. Your body was shaking and your heart was going a mile a minute.

Hoseok ran to you, you not resisting this time. He held you to his chest.

“It’s okay, Jagi, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal.” he tried calming you down, running his hand through your soft hair.

You suddenly were furious. How could he think that?

“It is a big deal, Hoseok!” You backed out of his grasp, “It’s not okay! I-I’m staring at my boyfriend with another girl and-and millions of people are saying how great you are for each other, showing proof they knew you two were together all along while I just sit back and watch like an idiot!”

You felt like you were being dramatic, but you didn’t care. You were scared.

Hoseok put his face in his hands and shook his head.

“But it’s not real, (y/n). Please believe. I would never do that to you.”

You took deep breaths to try and calm yourself down though they came out uneven and shaky. You finally looked up into J-Hope’s sad and worried eyes as they searched yours for an answer, a reassurance.

You looked to the side, unable to keep his gaze. You sighed.

“Maybe you wouldn’t, Hoseok...” you mumbled quietly, “But I just, I’m not sure anymore.”

He cocked his head, his eyes wide.

“Not sure? Not sure of what, (y/n)?” He tried to reach out to you but put his arms down remembering how forcefully you had pulled out of his grasp.

“I’m not sure...I can do this anymore.”

He froze, taking a step back with a shocked look on his face.

“Wha-what are you saying, (y/n)?” His voice trembled.

“This is too hard... I’m not sure I’m cut out for it,” tears started to fall from your eyes again, “I think... I need some time. I need to take a step back, for at least a little while...”

He looked at you in surprise and sadness.

“What? Like-like a break?”

“Yes,” you responded quietly, “I-I’m sorry, Hoseok.”

“(Y/n), please...” he trailed off. You could see he wanted to pull you to him, comfort you, make you laugh and have everything back to normal again. But he knew it was pointless to try.

You shuffled around the room, grabbing your things that were scattered about and shoving them in your duffle bag you kept at his place.

Hoseok didn’t take his eyes off you.

“You’re-you’re going now?” He squeaked out quietly.

You nodded, wiping you tear stained cheeks and throwing the last bit of your clothes in the bag.

“(Y/n), please,” he repeated, “don’t do this.”

You looked into his eyes and noticed tears welling up in them. In your one year together you had never seen Hoseok cry. He was always so happy and bubbly. This was a new side you knew he didn’t show anyone, and the fact that you were bringing it out of him made you want to drop your bag and run back into his arms to comfort him. But your mind held you back, unable to see anything but that picture from the internet you discovered mere minutes ago.

“When will I hear from you?” He choked out, attempting to hold back his sobs, “When will you be back?”

You reached the bedroom door, duffle bag over your shoulder and looked back at him. He looked small and defeated standing there.

“I don’t know. I-just... I don’t know. Goodbye Hoseok.” And with that you turned out of the room and away from the confused and heartbroken man who had your heart.

You grabbed your phone from the nightstand next to you and dialed one of the members you had become best friends with through J-hope.

“Hello?” A groggy sounding Park Jimin answered after just one ring.

“Hi Jimin...” you said softly, “I’m sorry to call so late.”

You heard him sigh and let out a few grunts as you figured he sat up in his bed.

“You can call me anytime, (y/n), you know that.”

You smiled. You were glad Jimin had decided to remain friends with you despite what happened. Even though he had known Hoseok far longer than you, it made you happy knowing he would still be there for you.

“Can’t sleep again?” He asked.

You shook your head but realized he couldn’t see you, so you simply answered with a no.

Jimin sighed again.

“(Y/n)-ah... why don’t you just talk to him?”

You bit your lip nervously and fiddled with the bedsheet in front of you.

“I just can’t, Minnie...” you mumbled.

“You know, Hobi-hyung is-“

“Ah! No. Please Jimin.” You interrupted him, shutting your eyes tightly.

The two of you had spoken about what happened, and Jimin didn’t blame you for taking some time, but you would never let him mention how Hoseok was coping, afraid it would tear you up even more. You needed a clear mind, not one filled with the image of J-hope being sad, or worse, moving on.

Jimin scoffed.

“You woke me up to talk, remember?” He reminded you.

“Yes, I’m sorry Jimin ssi.”

Maybe it was time to hear how J-hope was after you stepped back from your relationship after all. Maybe it would help you figure out what to do, what you wanted.

You took a deep breath.

“Is he okay, Jimin-ah?” You wondered softly.

You heard Jimin shuffle.

“You really want to know?” He asked cautiously.

“Yes.”

Jimin exhaled and cleared his throat.

“He’s not doing well, (y/n). He’s in his room or studio most of the time when he doesn’t have anything on the schedule. And if he is working, he’s putting in minimal effort, it seems. We haven’t seen him laugh, let alone smile in weeks. He doesn’t make jokes, his dancing lacks passion. He just... isn’t himself. It’s weird, and to be honest, well, we are kind of worried about him. We are out of ideas on how to cheer him up.”

You felt your heart sink to your stomach as tears welled up in your eyes. You couldn’t believe you were the cause of him being like how Jimin described. You never wanted to be the one to take away the well being of everyone’s favorite sunshine.

“Do you at least still care about him (y/n)?” Jimin asked when you hadn’t responded.

You hesitated.

“I-I still love him, Jimin...” you whispered, tears falling from your eyes. And you knew this was true.

“(Y/n) I’ve told you a million times, he was never with her and they hardly even knew each other. I know it’s hard and different than any relationship has ever been, but he adored you so much. Just when we thought Hobi-hyung couldn’t get any brighter, he did when you came into his life. And when you left... just darkness. With the career he has chosen, something like this isn’t guaranteed not to happen again, that’s for sure. But he would never hurt you like that, he loves you too much. With love comes trust, and if you still love him like you say you do, you have to trust him, too.”

By this time you were sobbing, emotions and tiredness taking over. You knew Jimin was right. They scared you, your worries and insecurities, but the way you felt these past couple months without Hoseok scared you more. He was your everything. He boosted you up when you needed it, and made you laugh like no one else could. You missed him immensely.

“I should call him,” you said to Jimin in between sobs.

“No, you should see him in person,” he suggested, “Tomorrow we have some time off. Maybe come by the dorms?”

You took a deep breath, your heart pounding in your chest at the thought of seeing him again.

“Okay, I will.”

“Good. It will be okay, (y/n)-ah, I promise. This is a good thing,” he tried reassuring you, “in the meantime, I have to go back to sleep. You should try to, too.”

You sighed. Sleep now? Yeah right.

“Ok, thank you Jimin. Good night.”

“Good night, (y/n). See you tomorrow.”

*

Masterlist

[ggukkiedae]

request for yoonmi on carpool karaoke :)

i gotchu hun! we’re doing this bullet style though if you donmt mind 🥰

everything she says is gonna be in english soooo yeah i wont do the italics thing for this ✊🏻

they unfolded the seat in between namjoon and james for her to sit on

“i really felt i needed eight people in the car to get to work properly” “you’re one strange man, james” “yes, yes i am”

tiny yoonmi in between namjoon and james vibing during mic drop just had her giggling and she couldn't rap properly because of how much she was giggling

“get it, jin oppa!”

the dance break part happened and she just “woah, i can feel the car bouncing”

he asked her and namjoon if they usually acted as translators and she just

“i’m actually not the best with korean, so we have rm oppa for that!” “that is a lie, princess”

“so how’d you guys learn english, again?” “i grew up in like england then la then the philippines, so yeah. but rm oppa learned from friends!” “watching the show friends?”

she heard seokjin and yoongi’s conversation in the back and had to cover her mouth to keep herself from laughing

when seokjin said he couldn’t understand but just laugh, she went into a fit of giggles and turned her head around to look at him. they made eye contact, and they both just laughed harder

singing the friends theme song, she didn’t clap along but waited to see if anyone would make a mistake

finesse playing and she nailed cardi b’s part with the boys hyping her up

“ggukoo oppa go!” “ooooh don’t we look good together”

she was straight up vibing to finesse

“girl you got it going on” she and jungkook accidentally harmonized and they just looked at each other like O.O

when asking about nicknames after tae said he was good boy james asked her “how bout our international sweetheart? any more nicknames?”

“i’ve had one since 2013, it’s nation’s makdungie? i can’t translate that wait” “wow, it’s been years. i heard you’re also called one of the princesses of kpop?” “oh yeah! it’s me, nct’s hannah, and now tomorrow by together’s seri! they’re good friends of mine and people just started calling us that for some reason” “well, it’s true. how about you jimin, i heard you were called mochi?”

she lost it at “you’re papa mochi”

her bridge part with jungkook got the car going silent during on

after the whole dumpling discussion, namjoon just “honestly our two youngests, too. miya and jk” “oh?”

“they fight about everything, but they’re never big arguments” hoseok clarified which namjoon translated

“but you two are best friends, right?” “right, so we get over fights in like seconds, right, oppa?”

she turned around to face jungkook who booped her nose “right”

then a familiar melody started playing and she laughed “why are you playing wannabe?”

hoseok was vibing the hardest out of everyone

and for some reason all the boys knew every word which had her shookt?

“so miya, as my honorary korean daughter, we have to talk about this. nct’s mark is on this track” “oh my god! i knew you’d bring this up!”

she was laughing while the members oohed at the mention of her (recently revealed to the public) boyfriend “bet you had to ask management for special permission on that, huh?”

“how long have you been dating?” “almost two years now, actually. why is this a big deal though? we’re just dating like everyone does? i bet you’ve done dates, james” “well, yes, but you’re international sweetheart! the world needs to know you’re being treated right!”

she smiled at the thought of mark “he treats me very well, thank you. next song!”

namjoon ruffled her hair lightly at that as james laughed and played black swan

when asked who she was most excited to meet, she deadass went “aside from shinee i think niall horan? yeah and ariana grande... oh! and troye sivan! troye, if you’re watching this, hi!”

when they were listening to circles, she was harmonizing with everyone

seokjin asked namjoon to ask what james would do if they were 9 instead of 8 and she laughed at james’s implication of joining the group

they pulled up to a dance studio and she was putting in minimal effort for the dance they suddenly joined

“i don’t like working out” she gasped out while doing the next dance

she was laughing when jimin was teaching the choreo for on “maybe we should have taught gogo instead”

[muqiing]

tagged by @leonzhng​ thanks for making me dig through my most embarrassing crushes 😭✋

i’ll tag @highwarlockkareena​ @yibobibo​ @lan-xichens​ @purplexedhuman​ @aheartfullofjolllly​ @lanzhansmiles​ @nyx4​ i feel like i tag you guys in everything i am so sorry please ignore this if u don’t wanna do it !!

putting this under a read more for reasons

MEN 2010 – 2016

literally nothing more embarrassing than falling on the same type of white man over and over again (with the exception of minho from shinee bless his heart)

tommy joe ratliff → he was the bass player for adam lambert during his glamnation era (think of songs like for your entertainment and if i had you) idk why exactly i liked him so much but i just did.... however i searched him up again quite recently and found out he’s one of those republicans that says the dumbest shit on twitter so Big Yikes

harry styles → “baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, and when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell...” and BOOM 13-year-old me was sold for well over two years

louis tomlinson → basically i liked harry most until around 2013 when for some reason i started to like him a little less, and i got more focused on louis tomlinson, and although i didn’t like one direction anymore louis tomlinson always had a special place in my heart

ashton irwin → so ashton is 5sos’ drummer, i discovered 5sos through one direction & i stanned them until late 2014

harries twins → the harries twins (jack & finn) are basically the reason i started spending a lot of time on youtube, they were funny and pretty and they just had good videos in general, so for almost two years i’d watch their content regularly

choi minho → my first steps into kpop happened bc i was watching videos on youtube (most probably the harries twins) and suddenly i saw the sherlock mv in my recommended videos so i clicked on it and then 14-year-old me proceeded to fall for minho like an idiot

brooks twins → still youtubers, the brooks twins were 3/5 of the janoskians (jai & luke brooks, beau brooks, daniel sahyounie, & james yammouni), an australian youtube comedy group that was active from 2011-2018 though i was only around from 2012-2014 (when jai brooks was dating ariana grande)

jc caylen → surprise! another youtuber! jc caylen was part of o2l (our2ndlife) a youtube collaboration channel on which each of the 6 members posted videos on a certain day in the week (mondays with connor, tuesdays with ricky, wednesdays with sam, thursdays with jc, fridays with trevi (my 2nd favorite member bc she participated on the x factor), saturdays with ricardo, and then they had surprise sundays every week) and i remember how much joy jc & the others always brought me with their silly videos

misha collins → up next, you might know him as the gay angel that was sent to superhell after confessing his love to the homophobic hunter on supernatural, it’s misha collins! basically misha was a huge source of comfort for me, and i even went around calling myself emmisha for almost two full years (cringe)

henrik holm → he played even bech naesheim in skam and my crush on him reached that level of ridiculousness where i actually tried my hand at learning norwegian (i can only remember how to introduce myself and some curse words i would make a great first impression on him)

MEN 2016 – 2021

min yoongi → okay so my baby steps into kpop happened through shinee’s sherlock, but i only got really invested when yoongi dropped agust d 1 because Holy Fuck y’know??

kim namjoon → oh man i remember thinking namjoon was cute and a very good leader and then BAM he dressed like THAT at the 2016 mma’s and i fell in love. hard

park seojoon → i started liking park seojoon whilst i was watching hwarang (you guessed it, i watched it bc of taehyung), although he wasn’t my favorite character by far, but he was very silly off camera & i liked that (i’m not that into him anymore tho </3)

kim seokjin → OH BOY LET ME TELL U i liked seokjin from the very beginning (i got to know bts in late 2014) and i always liked seeing him perform and be himself and god once i realized i had a crush on him it just hit me like a mf truck, and he’s still one of my favorite people to this day

jung hoseok → god fake love era hoseok really hits different.... also yes i know i have all of bts’ hyung line on my list BUT bts was a really big part of my life for almost 6 years soooo honestly they deserve it i still think they’re great guys

choi san → when ateez made their debut in 2018 i immediately fell in love with san, he was such an amazing dancer and he captivated me right from the very beginning, to this day he’s still my bias in ateez uwu

xiao zhan → AND THEN, OCTOBER OF 2019 HAPPENS AND I WATCH CQL AND... i fall in love with xiao zhan, something i’d never expected would happen bc when i watched cql for the first time i wasn’t as invested in the story, but i really really really liked xiao zhan and one thing led to another and now here i am as a xfx

wang yibo → the thing is, i’ve known yibo since eoeo except i didn’t know cql yibo was uniq yibo (bc i’d forgotten his name) and when i looked it up i can tell you my jaw dropped to the floor bc holy shit????? also he is very silly and i love him loads ok

lee minho → ah, the man who has been my skz bias since 2018, not only is minho my bias i also kin him (there’s a lot of aspects of myself that i see in minho and vice versa) and he’s very comforting to me

bang chan → honestly, it was only a matter of time before i’d fall for bang chan, i knew the moment i got into skz again that i’d start biasing him and, well, here i am, double biasing chan & minho

WOMEN

this list is shorter bc i’ve in general always had less crushes on women than on men??? blame society forcing me into thinking i was straight for a LONG time

ariana grande → remember the 2011 layout of twitter?? where u could not only have an icon and a header, but also a background and ur twitter page was smack in the center of ur screen with the big ugly menu bar at the top??? yeah ariana grande was always my background for my l*rr* st*l*n*s*n layouts

perrie edwards → this was right around the time she was dating zayn & little mix was breaking out into the spotlight, yeah i just really loved her

andrea russett → okay so remember o2l?? andrea russett was kian’s girlfriend for a pretty long time and they always did videos together and i always thought she was super pretty

lily collins → maybe i don’t like clary in tmi all that much but i sure liked the way lily collins looked

alona tal → MY BISEXUAL AWAKENING, it’s only when i saw alona tal in spn that i realized, fuck i might be gay

park jihyo → i discovered twice (my 2nd jype group after day6) through the like ooh-ahh mv and red-haired jihyo really did something to my heart (i just rewatched it and god zombie bang chan is so mf cute)

kim jisoo → when bp made their square two comeback i was immediately smitten for red-haired jisoo in playing with fire, it’s also when i realized she was my bias out of the four members

shin ryujin → the reason that i have blue hair is partially bc of ryujin and her amazing intro in wannabe :D

xuan lu → her portrayal of jiang yanli was SO ON POINT and she’s just such a kindhearted wonderful person wow i want her hand in marriage

lee yoobin → god i’ve known dreamcatcher from back when they were still called minx and ever since i’ve always looked at dami that bit more than the rest, i was also able to see dreamcatcher live in october of 2019 and the whole experience was just so amazing !!

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

there’s a whole lot more than just these 10 but i wanted to fit the evolution into one (1) slide as best as i could lmao

peter pan → this movie came out in 2003 (?) and he’s honestly the first fictional character i remember ever having a crush on

legolas → i was really doubting between placing haldir or legolas here but i only really got a vague haldir obsession when i was like 14

zuko → LOOK. ZUKO IN ATLA? HOT. ZUKO IN LOK? HOT EVEN IF HE’S AN OLD MAN.

will turner → man was annoying sometimes but i really liked him and his relationship with elizabeth was cute

jo harvelle → gosh i can’t believe she’s the only female character in here???? yeah she was one of my two spn faves and i’ll never forgive the screenwriters for the way they killed her off

castiel → does your fave ever get sent to super hell for being gay? no? well. mine did

kili → fili and kili’s storyline tore my heart out, spit on it, and then laughed straight in my face, KILI WAS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE DWARF

howl → i only watched this movie for the first time in 2020 so i kinda fucked up the tl cause i watched cql in 2019 but shh, anyways howl with his blonde hair was good looking but howl with his black hair just hits differently. i want a howl

lan jingyi → MY BABY BOY, TINIE LITTLE BABIE WHOMST I MUST PROTECT ok no but seriously this kid. i love him a lot

mu qing → BARK BARK. that’s all (that’s not all i love him a whole lot and it hurts me to see so many people misunderstand his character and only see the bad parts of him when they can forgive others for fucking up (eg. xie lian himself & feng xin) but bc mu qing doesn’t deal well with emotions suddenly he’s the bad guy??? i s2g if ppl are gonna do to him what they did to jiang cheng in the tgcf la i will RIOT)

[wickymicky]

wickymicky’s Top Ten Kpop Songs of 2020

4: Everglow - La Di Da

Retro concepts are hit or miss with me. I don’t have nostalgia for 80s music, for instance, because I was born in 1996 lol. And yet, as soon as the instrumental in this song got going and those synth hits came in right after the first line, I knew I was gonna love this. This song isn’t just a retro concept… its genre isn’t just “80s throwback”... it’s a genre called synthwave or neo retro wave or other names like that. It’s a relatively recent genre that, yes, is obviously based on 80s nostalgia, but is a new thing all its own. It’s based on the sound of action movies and science fiction movies from the 80s, but if you really look at stuff from that era, there wasn’t anything that quite sounds the same as synthwave from the 2010s. It has a lot in common with vaporwave in this way. Vaporwave is clearly retro inspired, but there wasn’t anything like vaporwave back then, lol. It’s a modern reimagining of retro aesthetics.

So like, as soon as it got going, as soon as I saw the visual aesthetic, I knew exactly what was happening and I was 100% on board. As far as I know, there weren’t any other kpop songs in this style, though Twice dabbled with some synthwave aesthetics and sounds for I Can’t Stop Me which came out around a month after this song (and that’s almost certainly a coincidence, I’m sure JYP picks these songs wayyyy in advance and it was probably chosen even before La Di Da came out), but La Di Da commits to this aesthetic and genre way harder than that song does. The thing that struck me the most on the day La Di Da came out, and still makes me lose my mind when I listen to the song now, is how authentic it is. Synthwave has had some mainstream acceptance and some songs in this vein have been released by some big artists recently I think, but for the most part it’s been kind of a niche underground genre. I first discovered it by stumbling on hour-long youtube videos that were “compilations” or “mixes” of various synthwave/retrowave songs or soundscapes found on soundcloud and sites like that. This song is a pretty hard commitment to a style of music that really does come just from the internet, and I think it’s amazing that the songwriters paid tribute to it in such a prominent way.

With that out of the way, let me talk about the song itself lol. Fuck, what a good chorus. I do have my complaints with it, but they’re relatively minor. First of all, though the line distribution in this song is marginally better than their previous title track, the chorus is still sung the exact same way all three times it plays in the song. Sihyeon begins it, Mia sings the second part, and that’s it. They’re great at it, but I would have appreciated a little more variety, at least for the second chorus, to break things up in the middle of the song. Also, I just think the word “haters” is pretty silly, there’s no way to say “I don’t care about haters” without sounding like you do really care about the haters. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be saying it lol. Anytime anyone’s like “Got no time for haters” I’m just like “wow the haters must really get to you, huh?” But anyway, they didn’t write that line, they’re just singing it, it’s not a huge deal lol, it’s fine. The chorus is undeniably really really good, it’s so good that I got over my eye-roll about the “got no time for haters” line pretty fast and I sing along with it every single time now haha. Damn, it’s so catchy. With so many choruses in kpop songs being drops lately, having a chorus sung this powerfully and prominently is like a religious experience lol, it’s fantastic. I love the verses too, I think they flow really well and really complement the synthwave aesthetic well, something about it all coming together just *works* for me. All the little synth additions throughout the song are so authentic too, it just makes me so happy. That synth solo right after the second chorus is perfect.

This song kind of snuck up on me. I like Everglow, I’ve been into them since their debut. I liked Adios, but I wasn’t as happy with the direction it went in. Dun Dun was pretty similar to Adios, and although I like it better than Adios, I still wished that they would do something like Bon Bon Chocolat again, and I could feel myself losing interest in the group as they went more and more down a road that didn’t excite me as much. Their style of girl crush in those two songs is cool, but isn’t something I come back to over and over. It’s a little too… idk… beefy, lol. Too ostentatious. Too built around the drop and saying cool lines as if they’re just catchphrases, and not as much around just being a catchy song that I find new reasons to love every time I listen. By the 10th listen, I pretty much got all of what those two songs had to offer. I do like them, and I listened to them both a lot when they each came out, but they haven’t stayed with me the way you hope a song does. 

So when La Di Da was announced, I didn’t expect much. I expected another song that I would listen to on repeat for a week or so and then move on to something else. And tbh, I was fine with that. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s like candy or junk food lol. Not everything has to be monumental and become my favorite song instantly, some things can just be something fun to listen to for a little bit. There’s value in that. And I mean, a song that is junk food to me, that I listen to for a bit and then move on, could be someone else’s favorite stuff, and the stuff that is junk food to them might be my favorite stuff, so I’m not saying that Adios and Dun Dun are objectively uninteresting, I’m being very subjective with this lol. Just speaking for myself here. In any case, yeah, I didn’t have a ton of expectations for La Di Da. 

So like, when it came out and I listened to it for the first time, I was absolutely floored. Nobody told me it was gonna be that good lol, I was not prepared at all. Cignature, Fromis 9, and CLC also released comebacks in September, and I had high hopes for all those. I thought for sure that the Cignature or Fromis 9 comeback would be my favorite song of the month, but I ended up listening to La Di Da like twice as many times as any of those other ones haha. I wasn’t even intending to! I wasn’t streaming it and forcing myself to listen to it over and over! I just couldn’t stop. I didn’t think it would be in my top 10 either, because Everglow, while being a group that I like, aren’t one of my ult groups or anything like that. But I can’t deny it. This song is so damn good lol. Here it is, at 4th place. Incredible. Completely reinvigorated my hype for Everglow too. Can’t wait to see what they do next, and I hope Yiren and Sihyeon get well soon

links to the rest of the list: 10 - Fiesta (Izone) 9 - Crossroads (GFriend) 8 - Assa (Cignature) 7 - Boca (Dreamcatcher) 6 - Kick It (NCT 127) 5 - Cool (Weki Meki) 4 - La Di Da (Everglow) 3 - Mago (GFriend) 2 - Tag Me (Weeekly) 1 - Scream (Dreamcatcher)

[antihero-writings]

Before It Kills You Too 

Fandom: Lore Olympus (Webcomic)

Fic Summary: Anger was a fire, it burned white hot and devastated the world around it. But then it faded...This was more than anger. 

Hera goes for a drive after a fight with Zeus, and has some time to think. Her internal monologue and memories, using Blackpink's "Kill This Love" as a prompt.

Character Focus: Hera

Notes: If you haven't listened to, and/or watched the music video for Blackpink's "Kill This Love" (I’ll put a link in the replies!), I highly recommend you do so either before or after reading, as the fic is based on the lines, and a few of the visuals of it!

Also, fyi, I am very new to the world of kpop myself... I deeply apologize if I didn't do the song justice!

I am a big fan of Greek Mythology (though I don't know it super well), and adore retellings of it, (as well as retellings of classic literature in general). But the two characters I've never liked in other retellings + the original myths are Zeus and Hera. But Rachel does such a great job with the characters in LO she managed to create a version of both Zeus and Hera not only do I like, they are in my top favorite characters of the series. 

I've wanted to write a fic for Lore Olympus for a while (as well as something using "Kill This Love" as a prompt), and I decided to write one about them, both because I don't think there are as many fics about them, and to honor what a great job she's done with these characters, and how much she made me like them (and because the song fit too well with her!)!

Chapter 1: I Owe It All to You 

Hera kept glancing from the road to the speedometer, the dial sneaking steadily upwards: sixty miles an hour to seventy in seconds.

She leaned over and took a cigarette from the pack, putting it between the fingers of the hand on the steering wheel. She took out the lighter and clicked it open, lighting the end, then closed it again and set it back down in the cupholder while she breathed in.

Smoke never tasted so sweet as when she was angry with him.

Eighty, ninety.

“Good to see you again, Bunny!”

“It’s only been a few days!” She laughed, “And who’s Bunny?”

“You are!” Zeus took her hands and gave her eskimo nose kisses. “Who else?”

The golden girl smiled, big and bright—

—the kind of smile one can only give when the world itself is big and bright. When one lives in a realm of hope, where beings keep their secrets, and their promises, and no one lies, or steals, or cheats.

She breathed out, smoke billowing like her mouth was the gates to the Christian’s hell—(they say hell hath no fury right?).

Sometimes she wished she had Zeus’s power; that she could set the world on fire with a glance.

A hundred.

The world was nothing but streaks of light across her vision. Not trees, people, and buildings; not distinguishable as life or meaning, just lines of color as she flew by. Maybe things were better that way. She could dance in the in-between, reach up and grab the ribbons, twirl around with them in beautiful absurdity. Only absurdity was beautiful; truth and sanity were far too ugly.

“Bunny I—”

“Don’t ‘Bunny’ me!”

She took another long draft, letting the smoke’s medicine filling her lungs.

And out.

Breathe out, feel the negative emotions leaving your body, all the meditation gurus say.

What a load of bullshit that was.

For every soothing inhale there was always an exhale that felt like it was clawing its way out of her throat. For every sweet hello there was a bitter goodbye, full of curses at his back, in return. For every incredible high there was a unfathomable price. That was the rule to life; what goes up, must come down.

And she had risen too high, once upon a time.

The test of life had no answer, let alone a right one. Even the gods were slaves to fate, and emotion.

The tires screeched hellishly as she rounded corner.

Hera walked around the corner.

“It just—I feel like the world’s on fire when I’m with him! You know?”

The queen stopped. It was that nymph’s voice. The one who came by earlier.

“Ahh I’m so jealous! Tell me more! Tell me!”

“Well he just…I don’t know! When he kisses me the whole world just kind of…stops. You know? And when he listens…I feel like he’s actually listening.”

“Ugh, too sappy! Tell me the dirty stuff!”

“Oh stop! I’m not gonna tell you about our sex life!”

Hera rolled her eyes, beginning to walk away when—

“Well he is the king of the gods. You’re right; It’s better if I imagine.”

The queen froze.

“Eugh I don’t want you imagining me in bed with him!”

“No, I’m imagining me in bed with him!”

Hera couldn’t hear them anymore. Couldn’t see the world in front of her. She was staring at a space before her eyes only she could see; a space, a memory, where the world was wide and she and Zeus were the only beings in it.

That space was shattering piece by piece.

Her breath was shallow in her chest, her blood pumping her ears.

“Mama?” Ares’ little voice brought her back to the world. “Mama, you’re hurting me.”

She immediately let go of her son’s tiny hand. “I’m so sorry sweetheart!” She crouched down and took his hand in both of hers, this time with the most gentleness she could muster, and kissed his fingers. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah…‘m okay.” He took his hand back and rubbed it.

He looked at her apprehensively.

“…Are you okay, mama? …Are you angry?”

She whizzed passed broken stop sign, catching her reflection in the rear view mirror; her hair in tattered locks like rags about her face, eyebrows permanently furrowed, lip permanently pursued, blue eyes dim and hollow, with nothing of the brightness they once contained; only a few lingering sparks of electricity in an abandoned power plant.

‘Okay’. ‘Angry’.

Such ugly words.

“I just…” the golden girl pushed her hair behind her ear sheepishly, her eyes bright, “I feel like the world’s on fire when I’m with him…you know?”

“Can’t say I do,” Aidoneus muttered softly.

She put her gently hand on his. “Don’t worry, I know you will one day.” She grinned.

And what made it better was that she really meant that.

He tried to smile back.

“So what’s that…like?” he asked softly.

“Well…when he kisses me the world kind of …stops. It feels like there’s nothing and no one in the universe but him and me. We can talk about anything. And when I talk it feels like he actually listens. He always makes me laugh. When I’m with him…it feels like nothing else matters…”

She hated that word: okay. It was too simple, too easy; one could always throw it out as an answer. It didn’t mean, I’m doing very well, or I’m doing poorly—(though it could mean either depending on the context). Okay was just, ‘fine’, ‘alright’. Okay could mean you were doing wonderfully, having a great day, and okay could mean you would rather be dead, and either way people would smile and say good! I’m okay too!. Okay was never truly satisfied, never fully living. Just existing. ‘Okay’ was a word for ghosts; for those who are neither dead nor really alive, neither sinners nor saints. Just floating through the world, caught in between.

She was always okay…and she was never okay.

She rolled down the window, cool air rushing in to the car and scooping up all the smoke, taking it out into the night, giving it to some other lonely Goddess who needed it.

“Ugh, this again? I thought we were done with this…Just leave it for now. You’ll feel better after lunch.”

And, anger, anger was a fire that blossomed like a rose high, and bright, and scorching for a while, eating everything it saw. Then it dwindled. Sometimes it could be lit again by a passing breeze, if the embers were still fresh enough. And sometimes that relight could touch a passerby leaf or bush, and from there desecrate forests and cities. But often, even then, once it had finished blazing it would wither and die. Anger burned white hot and violent at first, but eventually it would fade, and the world would be left to deal with everything it blackened in its wake.

She sometimes had a vague image of smashing Zeus’s head in, of him clutching his big ugly skull, golden trails of blood intermixing with his violet hair, draining down his cheeks. And there she was, holding the stem of glass, half of the vase, in her hand, the rest of it in pieces all over the floor before them. Sometimes. Sometimes it felt good to take out all that anger out on innocent paintings. Sometimes she had to destroy something, before it destroyed her.

“You’re acting crazy.” He had said.

Crazy, was she?

Crazy for believing visions in her head, which were always right in the past? Crazy for being angry? For kicking him out? No.

Crazy for staying with a being like him?

Yes. If she was crazy, that was why.

If I’m crazy, well, then…

She smirked, taking a long draft, and letting it out, grey wisps filling the air around her.

Thanks, baby, I owe it all to you.

She had a faint recollection of being sane once. Before him. He always made her crazy, be it when she was first fell in love with him, or when she rose in hate for him. But there was a time, when, before all this, she was a sweet, naïve little golden girl in the forest, with her sanity in tact, who loved animals, and taking care of broken things, her innocence still put together.

He thought he knew crazy. He hadn’t even scratched the surface.

But then that impulse would fade as quickly as it came, and she was left with guilt for even thinking that way. She’d never do that. She might burn his picture, but she wouldn’t actually hurt him…would she? She hoped it would never get that far.

No. That was anger. The boiling thing rising inside her that made her want to smash, and spit in, his face, and burn paintings, that was anger. Anger rose, vehemently, but in the end it dissolved.

This was more than just anger.

This, this feeling; this dull resounding ache at the back of her consciousness like an unending death knell; this thing that bored a hole in her stomach, making her feel constantly sick; this thing that hung as a weight in her chest; this thing wrapping around her, chaining her wings; this thing that stained her eyes with sleeplessness; this thing that broke into her mind and ransacked her thoughts, tainting all those happy memories, making them seem diluted with lies, and sickening to think of, and never, ever left her house—

This was heartbreak. Eternal, infernal, heartbreak.

She was on a long stretch of road now, out where nature still bloomed and she didn’t have to look at anyone’s faces or talk to anyone. The ribbons of light still outlining the air—(was it two hundred now? She’d lost track.).

Lucky me.

Everyone always told her she was lucky. Not everyone got to be the wife of the king of the gods. Just her. She was lucky she had a husband who was powerful. Who was rich. She was lucky she had a husband who adored her. Who doted on her. Who listened to her. Who she could talk to. Who made her laugh.

Not everyone had that. Some had husbands who were poor. Who were weak. Who didn’t love them, and whom they didn’t love. Husbands who didn’t dote on them, or give them so much as a wanton kiss. Who fixed a permanent scowl on their faces. Who they couldn’t talk to. Husbands who lied to them, and cheated on them.

She was lucky she didn’t have that.

Not everyone got to be queen.

Lucky her. So lucky he chose her. So lucky she got the crown. No one else.

No one but her.

So lucky she had that handsome face to wake up to every day.

(Every damn day)

So lucky could talk to him every day. So lucky could kiss him, and hug him, and make love to him.

(Sometimes she couldn’t even look at him.)

So lucky she had Zeus. That goofy, dumb, brave, arrogant king as her better half. So lucky she had a husband who was so sweet, and kind, and gentle, and funny, and patient, and forgiving. So lucky she didn’t have had a cheating, lying, conniving, backstabbing little weasel for a husband, who put that crown on his head, and walked into his office like he owned the world—!

And he was the one person who could say he did. Including her. Sometimes she couldn’t say a word against him.

He owned the world. Along with every fucking girl in it.

And he did fuck them.

After it all, what would he say?

We all lie, so what? Something like that.

So what.

Him; the illustrious king with his throne, and his lightning. Her; a jealous queen with a stolen crown.

The only one to blame was herself.

“I just feel like everyone’s lying, everyone’s—!” the golden girl cried, her hands over her eyes.

Someone took her arm, someone whose grasp was gentle.

He put his finger on her chin, tipping her gaze up to him.

“I’d never lie to you.” Zeus said, giving a gentle smile.

And what made it better was he meant it.

She returned the smile, placing her hand over his. “Nor I to you.”

That naïve little ray of sunlight darkened by his moon.

We’ve both lied, so what? That would surely be his excuse.

“You know what?! Why don’t we talk about you for a change?”

He’d said he was sorry before. He’d promised to be better.

And she believed him, then.

He’d spent enough time telling the truth that she believed he meant it when he apologized. When he made promises. When he spoke to her, she thought he meant the things he said.

I cheated on you, I’m sorry.

I lied to you, I’m sorry.

Now she questioned everything he had ever said. His apologies, his promises, his compliments, his kisses. Were those words so long ago just another lie? His promise to never lie to her, was that just the first lie of a thousand? As numerous as the hours they spent together. Did he ever intend to keep his words back then?

That was the unfortunate thing about lies; they could reside in even the most sincere of promises.

I’m sorry.

(I’m not sorry.)

Long ago she’d wanted him to apologize. She’d been more than desperate to hear those words falling from his lips.

Now she knew they meant nothing. They could, and usually would, be just another lie. And, even if he meant them, they wouldn’t fix this aching hole he’d left in her chest.

She remembered herself at her wedding; them, the picture of a perfect, royal couple, his violet a compliment to her gold. Both of them practically shimmering, wearing traditional wedding attire—(though impossibly embellished and adorned)—and those goofy, light-filled smiles. The whole pantheon applauding, smiling, wiping away tears at their back.

In other countries, at weddings, they said they’d be together in sickness and health, till death did them part.

Did this count as sickness? As death?

Didn’t he break that promise? Did her promises matter after he broke his? Was her faith and faithfulness worth nothing anymore?

She now imagined herself in a black dress, standing at the back of that ceremony with a bow, and an arrow made of adamant, laced with the venom from a certain many headed monster, its gleam reflected in darkened gaze. She breathed out as they spoke, and loosed that arrow, shooting that girl in the back. Olympus shouted in vain, as she watched all that gold flow out of her past self, those blue eyes fade to a cool grey, keeping her from making the biggest mistake of her life. And she’d look at Zeus’ horrified face and think

I’m sorry.

(I’m not sorry.)

That was surely better than this. Better than dying slowly, the blue in her eyes dimming day by day into lifeless grey still animated somehow, better than that gold leaking out of her with each forsaken sunrise she woke up next to him.

Would he be happy then? Without her? He could fuck around with whoever he wanted.

Would she be happier, dead, without all this?

There was no way she could have known, back then what their lives would become after a few millennia. How that god who held her hands and said he’d never lie to her, who hugged her and kissed her, and seemed so in love, could become dissatisfied. That lust would overtake him; he’d keep wanting more and more, gorging himself on it. She had no way of knowing that she wouldn’t be enough one day.

She was young, and innocent then, and didn’t know better.

She couldn’t forgive herself for that.

Something flashed gold in the headlights before her, and for a second her mind manifested before her; she saw that golden girl still, her own hair draining down the street like liquid, that white wedding attire—old, ragged, covered in burns—her own naïve eyes, still full of light and life, staring up at her, terror overtaking their innocent frames. And her own eyes boiled.

The sound of breaking glass was like a cooling rain upon a fire that had been left raging too long.

*****

Zeus was doing important business work. Focus was imperative.

Someone knocked on the door. “Your majesty.”

He fumbled with the spinner he was playing with, dropping it on the floor, sitting upright. He folded his hands on the desk, clearing his throat, trying to look professional.

“Yes? If it’s Hermes wanting to install racing tracks in the sky again—”

“Uh, n-no,” the messenger poked her head in the door, looking nervous, “It’s… about your wife.”

He blinked, then sighed, leaning back in his chair. “…What’s does she want this time?”

“Um…” she swallowed, avoiding his gaze, “S-She’s been in a car accident.”

*****

Notes cont.: Do you guys have any ideas for what song I could use for Zeus for the next chapter? (I want the next chapter to be framed like this one--based around a song, but for him, and from his perspective.) Let's see...In the simplest terms, I'm looking for a song about someone who knows they've made mistakes and/or hurt someone, and wants to do better. It doesn't have to be kpop, it can be anything XD

I'm not sure if this fic makes it seem like I hate Zeus and think she should ditch him or something...I really really don't. That's kind of the point; I actually like him a lot, and am very excited to write his chapter. Hera is just (understandably, and rightfully so) really angry with him for treating her so poorly. and I was trying to convey that to the best of my abilities...but it does make him seem pretty douchey (and, let's be fair, he definitely can be). Their relationship is broken indeed...but I hope it's not beyond repair. (though...the myths don't give me much hope...).

Speaking of the myths, I know Zeus and Hera might not have been in love in the way I describe in this. I'm not very familiar with their early relationship in the myths, but let's just say I know them getting married certainly wasn't all sunshine and roses. And Rachel's been pretty accurate to the myths in her own way, so it may be true of them in LO too. But when LO Hades was talking about them in the past I kinda got the impression maybe they were at least somewhat in love, so I decided to go that route. Also, I don't know if using Ares' in the memory places things to early, I might change it to Hebe later...I just like the symbolism of using Ares, especially as I have him acting very differently then we know him as. I might decide to alter parts of this fic if and when she reveals more about their early relationship though, especially if this ends up being super inaccurate...

Sorry, I'm rambling now XD

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the fic!! I'd really apprecaite it if you could leave a comment and/or reblog to show your support!!!