#and you'll find a new thing to grieve because there's always something to be a little bit sad about

[atalana]

so the good place is widely lauded on this site for its takes on morality and capitalism, which i totally agree with

but i think it should get more recognition for the line "all humans are aware of death. so we're all a little bit sad all the time. that's just the deal. we don't get offered any better ones. and if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. i've been there, and everybody's been there. so don't fight it. in the words of a very wise bed bath and beyond employee i once knew - go ahead and cry all you want. but you're gonna have to pay for that toilet plunger."

[blingblong55]

Soon you'll get better-141

MW3

[Alternative Ending]

[My version] ---- No use of [R/N], angst? fluff? ----

A/N: this is my version of an alternative ending to MW3…so take this as my delusional headcanon...

Who knew that disarming a bomb to save millions would take a sacrifice. Certainly, Captain Price wasn't aware of this. One thing is for sure, in the job of a soldier or an SAS, Navy SEAL, or any other form of soldier one must die to keep the world at peace. One must lose so that civilians live another normal day. Not always will it be to lose a life but if you are even daring the universe, you can lose sanity before losing a friend. Task Force 141 knows this all too well now. Losing John 'Soap' MacTavish. Not the man, no…but losing the soldier in him. That is a greater loss because now, they roam those dangerous parts of the world without the other. They have been consumed by darkness. That is the truth.

Price has the gun pointed at him. So near death now, something not new to him but to be this close…it's never easy. In a flash, Soap gets up, trying to save not himself but his friend, his captain and a man he knew well. Makarov's gun doesn't have much of a hesitation when its trigger gets pulled. The bullet, that one thing that has been known to end it all by many people like Soap, now entering his body, to end his. A loud thud as what looks to be like a dead MacTavish falls. Ghost and Gaz arrive with the other team. Guns and bullets play the main role in this fight. Not always do heroes win against a villain and 141 was proof of that.

Makarov and his men leave. An escapee with promises of redemption. What a dangerous world this will be. "…one KIA," words Kate Laswell regretted on hearing. No pulse but the gloves of the lieutenant failed to find the short and very small signs the young sergeant had left in him. Crimson red laid all on the floor. Blood no one wanted to see in this lifetime but it was bound to be seen at least from one of them. Price shakes his head. "No, this can't be," he takes his gloves off and amid lost hope, that faint sign of life is there.

John 'Soap' MacTavish, pronounced KIA on a mission with the last task force he worked for. Johnny MacTavish was rushed to a private hospital. His blood is all in the hands of nurses and doctors as they try to save his life. Agents in the room per request of the CIA to ensure the young man would survive to see his homeland. No one but a handful of people would know of Johnny's well-being. His family grieved. His cousin regretted inspiring his 'little brother'.

It wasn't the world that saw 141 grieve. Not even the reflection saw the frowns and drained eyes. Makarov watched though, he saw how his, in his words, 'needed actions' made the men of Task Force 141 fly to Scottland. To play it safe, they acted. Ashes from the fireplace of the night before were laid to rest in that beautiful place. The wind, as free as could be and as Johnny yearned to be took them to a promised land. One even those alive hoped to visit. 2073521, John 'Soap' MacTavish's service number is now signed off and stamped as KIA. No longer would that soldier be a part of anything but a grave.

It's been one month since the death of Soap. Johnny is now at a small home in Scotland. Price, Gaz and Ghost all take turns to watch over the man. He is in a deep coma. The scar from the bullet is covered by a bandage. His jaw would eventually receive a new scarred look. The nurse taking care of the man, coming in and out, was checked by at least two soldiers before entering the home. The machines fill the void left by silence. Occasionally, the men would fly home in secrecy so no one would raise suspicion as to why they were in Scotland.

Well, all except one. Ghost. That man stayed awake most time and talked to Johnny as if he was awake. Johnny was like his brother Tommy. Both annoying, loud, persistent and the closest he had to normalcy. Johnny looked up to Ghost, very much like Tommy. "Lt, my lass and I are having some issues and well, how do I even apologise without saying it?" "Lt, give me a minute, let me deal with this alone first." "Yes, Lieutenant, but the joke was better in my head." "C'mon Simon, it was just a prank." "Maybe y'aren't as handsome under the mask, maybe that's why my lass is hesitant to introduce yer to that other date she wanted yer to have." From advice to humour, these two men had now formed a bond. For Ghost, it was like losing Tommy all over again.

Gaz, oh those two shared many nights on missions. Soap knew Gaz talked to fill the silence on operations. It was a way of not just burning adrenaline but also making sure his teammates were okay. Soap grew to love that about Gaz. "You have to wake up, mate…Y'know, Ghost has been talking more to us." Gaz chuckles. "I like to believe that he found a new family with us," he sighs and shakes his head. "I…I'm sorry for not being there sooner. Maybe if I…if Ghost and I would've been there sooner you and I would be on that bachelor's trip, huh," Gaz's eyes land on Johnny. His chuckle was deep with sorrow and regret. Every night, Gaz's brown eyes never failed to grow teary. All the what-ifs landed on his mind. "I…like to believe you are playing pretend so the pretty nurse keeps coming or that you are just annoyed at me and are giving me the silent treatment." In Gaz's hands, he holds Soap's dog tags.

Price was different this time. He quit smoking for some time. One thing all tough soldiers know is to understand loss. There is one reason for it, they have to get used to it. He shook his head, "It's on me, ain't sunshine." No response. Typical. It was hilarious really. Now that he needed Johnny to talk, there was no voice. Not even a scoff. "Your…lass, she uh….she has been well since we told her the news. Gaz makes sure she has support and Ghost sometimes surveillances when I tell him to go home. He thinks I don't know, but I know he never goes back to England." That stupid machine, why can't it shut up? Why can't it let Johnny speak? Damn it, damn it, curse me, haunt me for all I am worth, this all goes through the captain's head. In a sinking ship, the captain gets everyone off it and he must sink with his ship, so why couldn't Johnny let him do that?

Every night, Johnny gets new stories, well old ones, the ones Ghost lived through. Without knowledge, Johnny is getting every piece of Ghost's life story. Every time he helps with Johnny's physical therapy, Ghost complains but he also tells one fact of his young life. From his young bastard years to his recent ones.

Three hundred-sixty-nine days passed and now, Johnny is awake. He has been awake for about five minutes and at least every single second has been filled with questions, hugs, smiles and the dark jokes Ghost made. "It's an order, Johnny, you can't die on my watch." Price commands. "Aye," Johnny lets out. His hair was a bit longer now, no more mohawk, to which Ghost calls this, 'Johnny's weirdly normal self'. "At least I don't parade that shite mask around," Johnny bites back. "Oi, watch it." Ghost responds. Now, it's clearer than ever that in that year, 141 got even closer. From this day forward, the men have created a bond no man can break, not even a goddamned bullet.

It's now been three months since Johnny woke up, the men are in an operation but the nurse and Laswell stay behind. Being dead serves no good in a team anymore so now, all he does is walk, learn to move his muscles for the better and talk to a therapist. Ever since, Johnny has been dealing with his PTSD and depression. Laswell ensured the men of the team she would never lead Johnny's side because she too saw him like a little brother to her. A lethal little brother that is.

After a somewhat good operation, the three men flew back to Scotland. Laswell and Johnny greeted them with a home-cooked meal. One that Laswell's wife had to fly over for, simply because she was worried the two would not cook the meal well and because she too needed to see her wife. "Welcome home, y'shits." Johnny patted Price's shoulder. "Now we know who will be responsible for a stomach ache," Gaz comments. "Y'know, for that comment, I think I'll kick ya ass." Johnny walks to Gaz, a side hug given as both men find their brotherhood to be intact. "Do it, I'll bet on Gaz," Ghost walks past them and Johnny gives him a scoff.

As the six people sit around the campfire, Price and Laswell begin to share stories. Then Laswell's missus joins in. Gaz and Johnny follow soon. Ghost adds his humour now and then. Beers, laughter, the night sky, the warmth and sense of belonging, all coming to Johnny. He looks around, his arm draped on Gaz's shoulder. This is the kind of relief that is needed after a hell of a life. "It was confidential, Laswell," Price's voice was low. The two women laugh and it gets followed by the other men. It wasn't until sunrise that they all decided to pause the conversation and talk it over lunch.

It was maybe cruel how they ended up on a beautiful grassy hill in Scotland but the fact that after years of ache, blood and betrayal they all got to sit down was where beauty is found. If Johnny doesn't feel lucky, he should know, that to get to this moment, he lived in the dark and now happily lives in the light. The grasslands, all to prove it. Soon, he'll be better and John 'Johnny' MacTavish, will run along the highlands with his dog, chasing the soldiers he is helping train.

Task Force 141, all for one and one for all.

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[makeadealwithme]

When the Waves Crash In

Summary: After you lost your best friend, Eddie, you didn't know if you would be ok again. Good thing Steve wouldn't let you go through it all alone.

Author's Note: soft and sad with a sweet ending. Not a lot of dialogue in this one. All because I still get sad thinking about Eddie </3 If you love Eddie and if you love Steve, i think you'll like this one.

Warnings: grief, crying, breakdowns, one mention of drinking. One mention of a knife, however not used for violence. Bed sharing. No use of y/n!

Word Count: ~3k.

In the wake of Eddie's death, you were numbed out to the world - shut in your bedroom with barely enough energy to keep track of the light through the slit in your curtains. You spent your time alone, grieving, staying suspended in a half-awake foggy state where nothing felt too real, right at the precipice of falling into a dream.  

You're not really sure when Steve started coming over, or how often, and to be honest you're not really sure if he ever actually leaves either. What you did know is that if you went downstairs, you would find a clean house. If you fell asleep on the couch, your bed would be freshly made when you woke up again. Steve was even there for “breakfast” - when you dragged yourself out of bed at 3pm - with fluffy eggs and warm toast ready on a plate for you.  

It wasn't always as simple as this. The first time Steve came around, a brown bag of take-out in his hand, you didn't let him past the front door. Your whole life it was you and Eddie that looked after each other, staying at each other's places when life got too tough or too lonely, cooking and making a mess in the kitchen just to eat something besides fast food, bandaging up each other's cuts and scrapes, and wiping each other's tears. That was all Eddie. You weren't looking for a replacement, you couldn't do it again, you couldn't lose it all again. But something in Steve drove him to look out for you, he couldn't just stay back and watch you grieve alone. So he kept showing up.  

He brought you dinners for a week, each drop off lasting a little bit longer at the door. Finally, on a Saturday, you broke down your defense and invited him in to join you - swearing it was only because the leftovers were just about piling out of the fridge. Steve almost tripped over his own feet as he followed you inside. He would come over every night after that without fail to eat, watching you pick at your food in silence before cracking a joke trying to earn a small smile from you. He would recount his entire day in one long, unending thought - from his shift at Family Video, to venting about Dustin, and the new plan he and Robin came up with to get her a date. You started not to mind, at least it wasn't silent.  

You weren't sure just how much the visits were helping at first, as the pit of loneliness and despair felt even bigger and darker whenever Steve left. But it was motivating, you got dressed just because you knew he would come around. 

There were setbacks of course. You had planned a movie night for the weekend. Steve would pick out his current favorite from Family Video and load up on snacks and candy at the gas station before making his way to yours. Unknown to him you had a bad day. A day where everything felt hard and overwhelming and you couldn't get Eddie out of your mind. When he rang the doorbell, you didn't answer, and his heart started racing. He tried again with no luck, trying to patiently wait for a response. When he decided to stick his head inside, he found you curled up on the floor in front of the couch sobbing without catching a breath. He dropped everything and rushed to you, unsure if you were hurt. But the touch of another person, his touch, sent you into a rage. It wasn't meant to be him; it was meant to be Eddie. You were sick of acting like it was the same. You barely recognized your own voice as you started screaming at Steve to get out, to leave, to never come back, to stop being stupid and leave her alone. Steve tried his best to stay, to fight your words, but he knew that was making it worse. And all he wanted to do was make you better. You were angry, and he understood why. The Upside Down had taken so much from everyone. When you got off the ground and started pushing him towards the door, hitting his chest, cursing him out, he just took it.  

Steve didn't come back for two days after that, you think. Without the company you barely left your bed, just slept so you wouldn't have to feel anything, hoping the emotional hangover would leave on its own. You couldn't stop chasing those moments of peace in the morning, just as you were waking up and your eyes were opening, before it all came rushing in and you remembered Eddie was dead. You felt like you would never last through this. 

However, Steve couldn't keep himself away from much longer knowing you weren’t doing well. So he decided to risk it and show up on the third night, your favorite pizza in hand and hope in his eyes (you admit, you think they shined a little brighter than usual). After opening the door and seeing him standing there, you immediately burst into tears, watching as he set the pizza down and losing your footing when he hugged you. You probably said "I'm sorry" a hundred times before you let him go.  

About a month later you felt like something had shifted inside you and you began to want Steve's company more and miss it greater when he was gone. You started sleeping less, waking up earlier each day in the hopes you would see him sooner. You still didn't leave the house much, but Steve would sit in the back garden with you. You'd watch him sing along and air guitar to the music playing just to get you to laugh – a task he took incredibly seriously, pulling those soft and sweets sounds from you when you felt like you were still learning how to make them.  

It wasn't long before Steve, don't go and hey, why don't you stay became a regular ending to the night. Steve, trying to hide his joy would casually shrug and say, yeah, I guess I could, before you would both exchange smiles. The truth is that Steve enjoyed the company as well, it was nice not to spend the night in an empty house. You'd set him up on the couch and he'd watch you walk up the stairs, listening intently for your door falling shut and the click of your light shutting off.  

As time passed a wave of grief came crashing in again. Granted it had been a long time since it had felt this overwhelming. Steve was out for the majority of the day, pulling a double at the store. He felt guilty about leaving you for so long - double, triple checking that you would be ok before he left. You assured him you would be. And you were. Until you dropped the remote off the couch, and when you bent down to get it your eyes caught the carving on the underside of the coffee table, ‘EM was here’. You froze, possessed by the flashback in your mind. You had almost forgotten. You and Eddie were 12, left home alone far too late at night while your parents were at dinner. You were playing hide and seek for entertainment, but in the pitch black to make it more difficult (because you weren’t kids anymore, he said). He could hear you stumbling around the house, and in his boredom, he pulled out his Swiss army knife (stolen from Wayne), and decided to vandalize the underside of the coffee table where he was hiding. He was pretty proud of himself for doing it too, feeling like he was living up to the rebellious idols he had all over his bedroom walls. Eddie told you about it a week later, the cool, rebellious nature of the act worn off and the guilt overwhelming him. You teased him all night about it, and he let you carve your name into his bedside table in return.  

It set you off, feeling a cool shiver up your spine as your nerves jumped alive. Trying to push it down you forced yourself off the couch and upstairs to clean instead. But that only made it worse. You stumbled upon old photos, notes scribbled in messy handwriting on bright paper, an old t-shirt of his crumpled in the back of your closet, a stray guitar pick in your drawer, a lighter under your bed, a polaroid as a bookmark, in a book that was a gift, and a cassette tape right next to it. Everywhere you looked, it was all him. You felt suffocated, like you were spiraling out, so you forced yourself out and downstairs again. You swear your intention was to make some tea, calm down, but when you opened the cupboard, you were eye level with the mug he made you in ceramics class junior year. You just lost it.  

Steve came home from his shift to find a darkened house. As he entered his eyes grew wide at what he saw. A wake of destruction, like a storm tore through the living room. Papers were crumpled, coffee table turned over, pictures collapsed. He carefully walked in, picking up the discarded shred of a polaroid and finding a warped Eddie smiling back at him. Steve could feel his heart thump in his ears. He called out to you, voice cracking, the usual confidence lost. He paused, trying to listen for you, when a whimper from the kitchen rang out. His legs carried him faster that he could think, eyes glancing at the corner of a familiar denim vest poking out the trashcan before scanning the rest of the kitchen. There you were, curled up on the floor in the corner, nursing a nearly empty bottle of liquor with a tear-stained face and flushed cheeks. His heart broke at the sight of you. He went and scooped you up in his arms without hesitation and held your wet face to his chest. You were inconsolable. All heaving breaths and heavy limbs, and as you wailed it brought tears to his eyes too. You couldn’t get a word out, but neither could he. He held you until your breathing evened out, slipping the bottle from your hands and putting it out of reach. You felt his arms wrap tighter, core tensing as he went to stand, lifting you up with him. He brought you upstairs, gently laying you down on the bed. You held on to the collar of his shirt as he moved away, trying to keep him close, panic rising in your chest from the space. He bent down to hold you again, cheek pressed to your head as he muttered something about getting you water, placing a soft kiss to your forehead as he pulled away.  

He came back and sat against the headboard, pulling your back to his chest as he held the glass to your lips and making sure you took a few bites of the toast he brought along as well. You were drained, eyelids feeling heavy and head falling against him between bites. Dizzying, stray sobs still wracking your body when you tried to speak. You wanted to tell him what happened. You wanted to apologize. You wanted to thank him, for everything. You wanted to talk to him about Eddie. You wanted to tell him you were strong, this wasn’t you, that you were still just trying to figure out how to be without him. You wanted to talk to Steve about everything. You wanted him to stay next to you, holding you for a long time, until it felt like forever. But the words were too much. Too difficult. So, you settled for the three you could get out. “I miss him.”  

“I know.”  

He smoothed down your hair and kissed your temple again. He slowly slid you both down, heads on pillows and pulling you close. He was scared. Scared he wasn’t helping enough. Scared he would never get you out of this. Scared that he felt so much for you. Scared to admit that he needed you as much as you needed him.  

You fell asleep in each other's arms for the first time that night.  

When you woke up it felt like a new hole was ripped in your chest. Something cruel in your mind tricked you into smelling leather and cigarettes and your eyes saw black curly hair and dark tattoos when you started to wake. By the time you were fully alert, you weren't sure what to feel as you realized it was Steve next you. His face soft, with his tan skin and honey brown hair falling in wisps against his forehead. With your heart racing you leaned back into his chest. He pulled you tighter towards him, waking slightly when he felt your stiff body under him. You stayed that way for hours, willing yourself to relax as Steve dipped back into sleep.  

Steve only left you to go to work during that week, and even that he felt guilty about. He declined any invitation to hang out from Robin, turned down the date the cute girl from the coffee shop boldly asked him out to, ignored the constant chatter from the Dustin over the radio asking for ride. Every night you spent it tangled in each other arms; the comfort of another person too great to go without. Of course, there were the restless nights – the nightmares that haunted both of you – but the comforting hands along backs, fingers brushing cheeks, and arms wrapped around waists were always there to pull each other out of it. Truthfully, neither of you have slept better in your whole life.  

Over that next month Steve watched you start to thrive. It started when he came home to a kitchen alive with the sounds of cooking and a heavenly smell. He slowly crept towards the entrance as he heard you cursing up a storm, watching the steam rise and curl around your face. You moved with purpose, jumping between pots and pans on the stove. He couldn't help his grin when you finally caught him watching, your stress evident in your expression, as you rushed to explain that you just wanted to cook something for once but he doesn't have to eat it and if he doesn't like it, you won't be offended. He’s not sure how he managed to hide his eyes rolling back in his head from delight after the first bite.  

He felt his heart swell when you finally cracked a joke at him across the table during breakfast one morning, shy smile in your expression. He ended up repeating the joke over the phone to Robin just to share how proud he was with someone. He watched as the house became brighter over time. Curtains constantly drawn open until the sun had set. Even then, the nights became full of life. Putting on your favorite records, he’d watch you dance around the living room. He so desperately wanted to reach out and grab your hand - he felt his heart skip a beat when you did it first. Coaxing him off the couch to join you with a cheeky glint in your eyes, your hair falling softly around your face, and a laughter that sounded like chimes. He felt warm all over just from being near you, pulling you close, cheek against cheek, whispers passed between each other. All little things that he noticed and kept to himself, not daring to scare them off by pointing them out. It felt good. It was good.  

It took time until you saw it yourself, like you could look back on the past few months and feel like you had gotten through the worst of it all. In fact, it was rare you looked back at all these days, now starting to focus on the future. It was dreams of prepping the kids for high school graduation, celebrating Nancy’s first published article, a road trip with Steve and Robin, college visits with Dustin, teaching El to curl her long hair, going to Mike’s first concert at the Hideout, watching Max learn to skate again, Lucas becoming captain of the basketball team and Steve running drills with him in the driveway. It was almost overwhelming, but in the best way. Most of all, you had dreams of Steve. Good dreams. Perfect dreams. Dreams that rooted him so deeply in your mind you weren’t sure you would ever get him out of it.  

It was a warm summer night; you and Steve had ventured over to his house to use the pool. Sitting next to each other, feet swirling in the water, you finally thanked him for everything he’d done for you.  

“...and I’m just letting you know; you don’t have to do it anymore. You can get some of your life back. I think I’m ok now. Although, I’d like it if you stayed, truly.” It was simple. It was honest. You didn’t know how to be anything different around him.  

“Honestly, it was never any trouble, ever. And I don’t want to stop. You are my life now; don’t you see that?”  

And he meant it so sincerely, and for once, the panic didn’t rise in your chest, and you weren’t reminded of the promises that died with Eddie. You looked over to Steve, deep in his eyes, and it was safe, it was steady, it was home, it was love, it was Steve – and he wasn’t going anywhere.  

___________________________________________________________

[tendermiasma]

I Hope this question won't attract unwanted crowd, I'll try to type it in a way it hopefully will prevent it, but I have a question. As a professional artist, do you have any advice on how to not feel discouraged by A /i g3 ner*a/t3d images? And what to do to protect my art from being stolen? Recently I discovered one person close to me, also an artist, started incorporating that into their works and got into selling stuff assisted by it, and I feel kind of... heartbroken, betrayed? I don't know what to do, it makes me not want to continue the relationship, because this stuff is, in my opinion, actively hurting artists, but on the other hand, I don't want to lose a friend over it. Also, I am afraid that the only way to prevent what I create from being stolen is to not share it online at all, which is also heartbreaking, because one of the biggest part of creating (at least to me) is a form of dialogue with fellow humans, sharing emotions, and interaction between the creator, the art and the audience. I just feel lost. Also, I really admire your art, your skill, and you inspire me in a very profound way, just wanted to say that. Hope you have a good day!

Hi! It's a really shitty situation and I also often feel really doom and gloom about the whole thing. But the reason I keep making art is simple: It is my greatest joy to communicate through art and with every piece I make I continue to assert over and over that my human soul and the expertise that comes with it is a thousand times more valuable than a machine, and even though a lot of people wouldn't give a shit if a person or AI made it, there are always people out there who will care. I just really, really love doing it even while capitalism and our culture of consumption is taking on new and terrible forms. If we stop making art, what's left? Just the machine and nobody to speak up otherwise. Do nothing and lose everything vs keep fighting and something else, something better by some measure happens. Action is always the cure. I'm a big believer in that because I've found it to be true.

We're at a crucial time in the entertainment and arts industries. We all have some measure of power we can use against emerging policies and trends that don't benefit/actively hurt us. The WGA is currently striking in part to make AMPTP reconsider their AI policy of essentially just updating the WGA on the technology's progess annually. Other organized labor in entertainment and visual arts can negotiate anti-AI clauses into their contracts to make it less acceptable as a practice overall. You can use Glaze on your work to confuse AI engines and they just came out with a new version that I hear is a pretty nice jump in how detectable the texture is to your eye in the images.

I'm sorry you're going through that with your friend, though. It's hard and messy and there's no set way to go about it. It all depends on what you value most and what your own moral compass is telling you what you need to do here. Personally if it were a close friend of mine, I would talk to them about it. Depending on how they respond, your decision still might be a hard one or they could make it very easy. They will absolutely tell you how much time you should invest into this. Even if their attitude is clearly signaling that they do not care about you here and that you should move on from the friendship, it's probably still going to be painful and you'll grieve it for a while. Surround yourself with friends who understand how you feel and time will do its thing.

I think you should take comfort in that if you continue with art, this won't be the hardest decision you'll ever have to make. You'll have to make harder ones and will still come out on the other side. Even if you choose not to share your art on the wider internet and keep it as a precious thing among a smaller group of friends, it still has just as much worth and as you go along you will naturally find a balance between risks and reward. Don't forget that speaking out does actually have power in itself. Remember we've been able to bully a few companies into rolling back harmful practices in the past year or so.

I hope that was somewhat helpful. We're all trying to figure this out together and there's always going to be a future for artists as long as we keep pushing back hard. Capitalism takes a mile when you give an inch so it always, always matters to be vocal, spread useful information, use anti-ai apps on your art etc. It takes more energy to stay away from something you really want to do so I'm sure you'll find a way to share your art in the capacity you're comfortable with.

[pomplalamoose]

ooooh I love the ESB relationship hcs!!! the perfect amount of fluff and angst <3 now how about your thoughts on ROTJ Luke...

Thank you so much, I'm happy you enjoyed them! Let's see what I come up with for ROTJ Luke👀

• let's take a quick look at the overall situation first

• just like in ESB, Luke is going through a lot and while he is able to take all these challenges head on, even coming out stronger on the other side, internally he struggles

• especially because he went through so much in such a little period of time after living a relatively sheltered life before (as sheltered as one can be while growing up on Tatooine of course)

• he's grieving not only the deaths of the people who raised him, but also those of friends and his two teacher/father figures (not even counting his ACTUAL father, that's a whole other topic)

• too often he thought his friends, his newly found family, dead and even faced death several times himself

• additionally it's only realistic for him to have major survivers guilt and blame himself for a lot that happened

• I also think he is haunted by the knowledge of how many people have died at his hands. Because of his force sensitivity he must have sensed how he alone was responsible for the disappearance of millions of little specks of light that once were living beings

• he believes that many could have been saved from the Empire's grip if only they had been made aware that turning their back and changing sides wouldn't have meant their death anymore

• he has compassion, even for his enemies and while that is a wonderful trait, it hurts him as well

• to sum it up: he's not having a good time

• now that we covered this, we again have to consider: for how long have you two known each other up to this point?

• if you have been with him since the very beginning or got to know him during ESB, the events that followed put your relationship to a hard test

• plus his demeanor, as well as he as a person, changed drastically during and after his training with Yoda and the end of ESB

• deep down he is still your Luke, but it takes you a while to find him under that stoic and reserved exterior

• for a while you are not sure how to approach him and if the old rules of your love still apply

• he changed so much, you can't help but fear that maybe so did his feelings for you

• eventually though, you will always find your way back to each other, even overcoming his struggles regarding the Jedi rules of old that forbid attachments

• you are at his side and so he is at yours and only like this does the universe make sense

• however with all his experiences and new knowledge, your relationship dynamic changes

• you aren't able to make him laugh as easily as before

• also it has become difficult to catch him off guard (sneaking up on him, telling an outrageous joke, catching him staring at you, etc.), something you liked to do a lot

• so if you do manage to surprise him it's definitely a highlight of your day

• it's near impossible to plan out gifts or a birthday party

• he'll be happy and feel appreciated anyways but you find it to be frustrating at times

• on the other hand, you now get the best presents ever because he knows what you want and need before you do

• one thing you really appreciate is his new found ability to communicate, even during stressful situations

• however his impulsive behavior is still a thing, only now being additionally fueled by his connection to the force

• if you say one thing and the force says another, he will often feel torn and need time to figure things out for himself

• he is more withdrawn in general, often retiring early or randomly throughout the day to meditate

• when he tells you about his imminent confrontation with Vader you are THIS close to ripping him a new one before breaking down in tears

• some things never change and you'll have to be as patient with ROTJ Luke as you were with him during ESB

• even if it's hard, you have to trust into him and his abilities

• he's so mysterious now

• it's hot, you're not going to lie

• so are his new outfits

• you love how they accentuate his strong body and show off his muscles (and his ass) when he moves

• when in the past you were the one to catch him staring, he now catches you

• he'll tease you about it but secretly he's pleased you think him attractive

• sometimes he asks you to cut his hair for him and likes to brush yours

• his arms, more so than ever, are the safest place in the entire galaxy

• when he's able to relax, his playful side from the past comes to the surface again

• still he loves to make you laugh and shriek in delight when he holds you down to cover your entire face in disgusting wet kisses

• he's so much stronger than you and there is no escaping him when the mood strikes

• yet, while he doesn't mention it, you know he's afraid of accidentally hurting you, still somewhat unused to his newfound strength

• the gentleness with which he treats and touches you, makes your stomach flutter

• he never raises his voice at you anymore, not even in frustration or playful manner

• through everything he experienced you were by his side, a steady light supporting him, and he wants you to know how much he appreciates you in return

• if you are not close yet, maybe never exchanged more than friendly greetings during ANH and ESB, just know you will STRUGGLE getting close to him

• not because he is unapproachable in any way

• it's just...he's so much all at once and it's quite intimidating

• his sister is Princess Leia Organa, he's a Jedi and a widely celebrated hero, the wildest stories are circulating about him, he's terrifying to come across on the battlefield and a very good pilot, he exceeds you in rank for miles,...

• and despite being well known, no one really knows him

• sometimes, for a split second, it's as if he's not wholly human

• sometimes a shadow falls over his face, making the room temperature drop a few degrees

• sometimes he's scary without meaning to

• your crush on him is so all consuming you don't know what to do

• most likely he will be the one to take action, initiating small conversations here and there, always careful to not scare you away

Possibly I went somewhat overboard, whoops🤠 but thank you so much for your ask, I had a great time writing this!

[joellkeeny]

✧*:･ﾟtoxic!steve x fem!reader part 4

warnings: some more angst. a bit of canon trauma talk.

part 3. part 5.

— ᴍᴀsᴛᴇʀʟɪsᴛ

July 17, 1986, Hawkins Indiana.

☁︎ now fresh out of highschool it can be hard to decide what you want to do with your life next, it wasn't just some game you could skim through, or don't care about the outcome, this was your future, the one thing you'll do for the rest of your life. So it's safe to say you felt the pressure rising and rising and eventually decided to take a year off before college.

☁︎ senior year was nothing but quick flashes of quizzes and anticipation for starting your adult life, so it wasn't a surprise when one day you just woke up with a diploma in your hands, parents clapping happily and proud of your accomplishments, and before you knew it, a wave of something vague; nostalgia and maybe even melancholy was coming in just at the thought of the friends and teachers you left behind to take one step further into your adulthood.

☁︎ him on the other side, spend the rest of his year trying to pass his classes, and most importantly catch your attention just like you tried to do it for the first three years of highschool, failing miserably. It was purely ironic, the one who was set on getting you to like him and be all over him, was now battling with his unprocessed feelings, feeling the guilt gnaw at his heart each time you turned away from him or didn't smile back or refused to talk to him. You were mad, of course you were, he basically broke your heart without even knowing it, then wondered whatever he did wrong to be treated like that. Of corse you didn't offer him an explanation because that would mean giving him a chance to explain himself and even apologize, something you certainly didn't want to witness. And now, after the mall 'fire' he was still stuck in Hawkins, not a bright future ahead of him as he took a job at Family Video, alongside his new partner in crime, Robin. She's one with the group by now, having went though all the trouble with the Russians, left with enough trauma for a lifetime. They have been attached to the hip ever since, always getting mistaken for a couple or siblings which always resulted in her denying the fact profusely, putting accent on the fact that her and Steve were purely platonic."With capital P."

☁︎ the mall tragedy didn't affect you directly in the slightest, more so getting angry whenever you had to witness people around you complaining about it for the sole reason of lacking a place to go shopping, no matter the lives which were lost in the process, whose families were still grieving over the tragedy. Though having cut all of the strings with Steve, you knew he took a job at Scoops Ahoy, some silly little ice cream parlor, close to the GAP in that same mall. For a few days, you were frantic, trying your best to find out if he was one of the victims, and you hated yourself for that. You let yourself think of him again, feel something for him, in this case being worry, but you knew his parents were huge people town, so it wouldn't go unnoticed if their son had died. Though that didn't calm your nerves that much, you knew he was fine, yet it still wasn't enough. You want Steve in any way you can get him. An acquaintance, a friend, a lover, a boyfriend, you'd even settle for an enemy if that meant exchanging some words with him, messing around from time to time.

☁︎ his next destination was Family Video, a small place filled with heaps and heaps of tapes, from the latest documentary, to the newest action movie. You always stopped by to pick out some new tapes, though hating Keith's interest in you, you put up with it, even threw some of your own glances back at him just to get that much appreciated discount. And now that one of your oldest friends came to visit during the summer break, you knew you had to pick out somethng to fill your time with while she spend the night over.

☁︎ pushing open the glass door, you hear the clink of the bell above you, letting the door fall shut as you advance towards the counter where none other than Robin Buckley sat, legs perched up on the seat in front of her own, flipping lazily through magazine while the torid summer sun breached the windows. It didn't help that the AC is broken too, leaving her sweating out bullets through the entirety of their 8 hours shift. "Welcome to Family Video, how can I help you?" Her voice though coated in sugar and accompanied by a sickly sweet smile, you could clearly see that it was just a reflex at this point, her customer voice being pretty convincing at this point.

☁︎ you look around at the stacks and racks of tapes in alphabetical order before deciding. "I'm looking for the sci-fi section." You don't take offence in her tired groan as her feet thump down from the other chair, getting up and motioning for you to follow her. She guides you to the back of the store, converse squeaking against the floor as she drags them over it lazily presenting to you the said isle with a small 'sci-fi' sign obove it. She leaves you there, going back to the counter while tugging on the front of her shirt frantically in a weak attempt at cooling herself off. You browse through the options at hand and you spend some time deciding over your pick, eventually carrying back to her 'Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back' and 'Back to the future', the latest flick you've heard everyone talk about. She begins to type in the titles before a groan echoes from the back room, door still closed. You try not to pay attention to it until it flings open and a voice, much deeper, rings through the room. "Rob, c'mon, I need some help in here, the AC is driving me nuts!" He complains, a hand waving through his sweaty chestnut strands of hair which you recognized all too well, a screwdriver in his hand, indicating the thorough battle which was currently going on between him and the uncooperative machine. "I'm a bit busy if you can't see, dingus." Her retort leaves you silent, partly because you didn't expect him out of all people, former King of Hawkins High, to let little Robin Buckley, former band geek and nerd, insult him like that. She motiones to you and Steve opens his mouth, just about to argue, the words remaining stuck on the tip of his tongue before he closes it sharply, blinking at you, just as shocked. She stares between the two of you, sensing the awkward tension before silently backing away, walking to the back of the store where Steve sat blankly. Robin steals the screwdriver from his unmoving hand and closes the door behind her, leaving the two of you alone. Gulping, you remember the fact that you were supposed to still be mad at him and he seems to see the change in your eyes instantly. You drum your fingers against the counter, eyeing the tapes and the computer, still on. He seems to catch on your silent request, knowing you don't have it in you to ask him politely for it.

☁︎ "So uh, how you've been?" His question comes out reluctant, testing the waters to see if you're still holding the grudge. You don't dignify his question with an answer, just stare blankly at your nails and wait for him to finish up. He types in the titles and glances at you, seeing as you still avoid his gaze. "Look, I'm sorry..." He begins, and you don't even let him try to apologize before you scoff, crossing your arms over your chest. He hates himself, almost just as much as you do, he remembers why you act the way you do around him, though vaguely. There's bee too much going on in his life, too much change and grief in just one year to be bothered with something so...small. Not that it didn't matter to him, you just never gave him any reason to believe that he should try again, so he left it in the past.

☁︎ "That'll be 10.78$." He announces, handing you the tapes and waiting for the money. As you hand the requested amount to him, you make one of your first mistakes, you look into his eyes. There's a little self-pitying smile on his face, those perfectly arched brows of his pulled together slightly, his lips pressed together. Everything about his expression tells you he's sorry, not entirely sure what for, but he is and you know the acting skills of Steve Harrington, he could practically charm his way out of any situation and in anyone's pants if he tried hard enough, so it wasn't something shocking that you didn't want to accept his apology, especially after not trying to do so sooner.

☁︎ second mistake, you feel sorry for him. It's not intentional, but as you stand there, you realize that you're not ready to leave yet, though you know that's the logical thing to do, you won't admit it but you missed him, missed that stupid face and that silly crooked grin you still haven't caught a glimpse of, missed his touch, his flirty remarks and by the knowing look in his eyes, he knows you do too and that gives him the slightest bit of hope that maybe one day he'll be able to call you a friend...and maybe even more, though he's not sure if you'll be able to look past his old highschool persona; cocky and full of himself, in order to start liking him again, because he knew, oh he knew you liked him, maybe a bit too much at that time, and he also knew your feelings had been one sided at that point, causing him to break your heart. Or at least that's what he realised later on, and he felt like a downright fool for not doing so a lot sooner.

☁︎ after about a minute too long of eye contact, you realise you're staring, gazing at him and his features you once got lost in highschool, let his warm honey eyes charm you into his car where he simultaneously rocked your world and ruined that sweet, shy girl you once were. And then your third and final mistake; you spoke back to him. It didn't seem polite, even if he did what he did, to leave him like that, you're not a savage, so after finally putting an end to your staring contest. "Thank you, Harrington." You will a small smile on your lips accompanied by a curt nod as you take the tapes and make your way out of the store, feeling him practically bore holes into your back as you leave. Not even halfway out of the door before Robin is bursting back in the main room, whisper shouting at him a faint: "Dude what the fuck was all that about?" And he just replies with a sigh, you can almost picture him rubbing a hand on his forehead in defeat the other settled on his hip. And only when you hear the door fall shut behind you, you let out the heavy breath you've been holding ever since you spoke to him. Maybe, just maybe you don't hate Seve Harrington as much as you thought you did.

taglist: @dahliamae @intoxicatedapple @thatstoomuchman @luvingsteve @joekeeryswife @myloveeddiemunson @baekhyummies @freezaz123

[mamabearwonders]

Some Forest Wisdom From Granny Bear 🌲 🐻. Come sit by the campfire. 🌌

Life can be shitty. Some days there's no sugarcoating it. Some days we just scream into a pillow and cry. Some days it feels like life is just out to get us and everything hurts and nothing is worth it.

I see you.

I've been there. We all have been. You're not a failure or ungrateful or negative for going through a horrible time whether it's out of the blue or from something specific.

Life itself can be very traumatic for people who have not had a safe space or love in a world that is always against us. So I'm not gonna tell you to be positive. I'm not gonna say bandage the pain and smile. I'm not gonna say it all gets better.

Because you won't feel heard.

What I will say is. You're worth sticking around. Take up your space. Scream, cry let it out. And give yourself a chance to find those pockets of life that feel like a warm hug. Whether that's finding a YouTuber you really or maybe you're looking forward to seeing a new movie.

I think so many of us think we have to have it all figured out right now or life is pointless. But that's the beauty of life. If it goes sucky and nothing goes right, there's a new day. There's a try again. It doesn't mean life is over just the day is. In the big grand scheme of things one day out of the week.

Maybe it's months and months and you think it'll never get better. Go to your communities. Go to people that feel like you and share in that pain and that itself is healing.

I don't have all the answers. I'm in pain all the time. I grieve all the time. But life has a funny way of bouncing back. I've learned to let go of expectations of what my life should be because that was making me even more miserable.

Some pain stays. Some trauma stays. And a lot of people think that means they're a hopeless case and no one will love them. But you will find your people that feel the exact same way and you'll realize you aren't as alone and hopeless as you feel.

You're not a burden. You're not an inconvenience. You deserve to claim your space and exist freely without having to prove your worth through numbers (ED related), productivity or how well you can mask pain or mask your true self.

No wonder we're so tired. We're expected to fit painfully into a world that hurts us or to fawn and freeze around people who hurt us and never get to know ourselves. But maybe here we can find a little piece of heaven, a little slice of peace, a little sense of belonging & finding those who show us our worth even when we think we don't deserve it.

With love❤️‍🩹,

Starry Bear🌠🐻

[raayllum]

Hi!

First of all, thank you for everything you do for the fandom. I always love your screenshots + meaningful text combinations, they are so good! Thanks to you I have also added some new amazing songs to my playlists (Dark Horse and Anti-hero included).

I have a question and a song to share. First goes the question: do you happen to know any, just ANY tdp fanfiction which explores the what-if scenario where team Zym loses the Battle of the Storm Spire? If not, it would be great if you shared your own thoughts about it. Like, what if Viren & Aaravos succeeded in draining power from Zym? What would happen then? I tried to find something on Ao3 but all I got was a couple of works focused entirely on Viravos or something about reincarnation. Which is fine but not exactly what I am looking for.

I'd also like to share a song with you. It's Storm by Blackmore's Night. As the title suggests, it's about the storm and I've been fascinated with this song for a few years now. Maybe you'll like it too :)

Aww thank you so much, that is so sweet!! I can't think of any fics or headcanon posts I've seen like that along those regards, but I do have a tag for canon divergences in general and one for my specific explorations.

I think the biggest thing to consider would be if Zym was successfully killed or not.

1. Zym lives

This means the kids can potentially, if frantically, flee, with Janai and Amaya and any other surviving Sunfire elves being captured. Soren and co. could go looking for other archdragons (I'm sure Rayla would've heard of Rex Igneous) or Earthblood allies who would either worry about the encroaching invasion and/or recognize Zym as the future heir and advocate for his sovereignty. The biggest change here is that Lux Aurea is like, even more devastated, and I could see Janai being executed bc she's the next heir, but who knows

Kids come back six months later with an Earthblood army (also don't think the monster-humans would survive or thrive well long term, so that depletion could be over time) but it may not even matter, depending on what Aaravos' endgame (release?) was for harvesting Zym in the first place

2. Zym dies

This one is trickier, as it leaves us with a very heartbroken Ezran (the mind/soul link so recently formed and so brutally severed) and with no draconic heir. As long as Zym was alive, the kids would have hope, so with him gone I think they'd be very dejected (and of course, grieving their friend). I could see Ezran falling into a depression of sorts, just because he'd probably blame himself for his handling of the kingdom's troops, and he was the closest to Zym. Callum would delegate more time/thought to his brother as a result, leaving Soren and Rayla to maybe bond a bit more in terms of leading the group and figuring out what to do next, bound by the goal of keeping the remaining princes alive until they can figure out a plan. (Callum would also probably get his hands on a dark magic book, Just In Case, because I don't think he'd been willing to hold anything back now that he and particularly Ezran are Viren + Aaravos' #1 targets, in terms of eliminating any kind of uprising).

I could see Rayla bringing everyone back to the Silvergrove, as it is cloaked by illusions, and they can still interact with objects even if no one can see them, so it's kind of the perfect place to hide. Then maybe Callum and Rayla would go look for again, arch dragons or possible reinforcements, leaving Soren to look after Ezran when they'd do reconnaissance, since Rayla is their Xadian guide and Callum doesn't want her to go alone

This would probably be more of a slow build, and I could see them travelling to Duren as well (which, I suppose Aanya would be captured and executed for treason against the Pentarchy, just because Viren could - although I could see Claudia feeling bad/awkward about executing a girl who's not much younger than herself? Unexpected imprisoned Aanya and sympathetic conflicted Claudia bonding? Opeli gets executed, hopefully Corvus escapes). But yeah, two years before they can come back and take the throne, and I could see Callum and Rayla both becoming a bit more cut throat because they've had two years of like, protecting Ezran at the forefront, and surviving in the wild long term when you're hunted fugitives is just a different kind of experience. Ezran, because of their sheltering, remains just as kind, but he's much much Sadder in his day to day presentation, and that never entirely goes away

Depending on whether the Illusion stabbing happened - and let's just say that it didn't - I could see Claudia trying to reach out to and track down Soren, convinced she can get him to come home now that 'his side lost' and 'there's nothing left for him there anymore, can you get over your identity crisis and come home'. So I feel like Soren would actually probably be Angrier at Claudia in his scenario here than he is in canon, just because he sees more of the long lasting destruction and doesn't have victory to make him worried about his sister

Feel free to send in other asks and thoughts about this lil scenario (either one), it's definitely an interesting one to consider! Or any other canon divergences, really - I have a tiny list of ones I know I want to write drabbles for at the very least

[askagamedev]

How do you cope with your game being cancelled? I am new to the industry and the game I have been working on for a few years was recently cancelled. I was heartbroken. I'm still having trouble getting past it and find it hard to feel the same devotion to my new project as I did for the last one. Does it ever get easier?

I understand and feel your sense of loss. Putting so much of yourself into a project that died on the vine can feel heartbreaking because it is. You are deeply emotionally invested in it and it was taken from you without warning. What you're going through is grief. It is ok to mourn for your loss.

That said, it does get easier as you gain more experience and work on more projects. Even if your project had been completed and released, you would still have had to say goodbye to it and moved on to a new project eventually. It is extremely unlikely that you would stay with the same project and team for the rest of your career. I know that I have more I want to do and learn with my career than what I've already done. I find it better to set aside the things which are behind when I am ready and focus on the things which are before. It's great to have done a good job, but there will always be more work to do. I try to focus on what's next - what I need to do at present and how I can improve my own skills so that I can level up and do even more in the future.

I would also caution you against putting so much of your self into work. I completely understand the desire to make the game the best it can be because I did it too. However, I beseech you to take my advice. You really should take a mental step back, set some boundaries, and keep some emotional distance because you're putting in a lot more loyalty and emotional investment to the project than you'll ever get out from the work or the company. It is your emotions, your heart, your free time, your thinking, and your health that you are offering here. Neither the project, the game's fans, nor the company will ever be able to offer you anything remotely close to that in exchange. The company will not hesitate to cut your job if they decide they need to. The company will always choose its own best interests over yours. The fans will turn on you at a moment's notice if you do something they dislike. The project will continue on its path, whether or not you're there to help it along. Keeping a healthy emotional distance from your work is important for your own long-term mental health.

This isn't to say you can't feel engaged or passionate about what you do - heaven knows I still do my best to make the game I'm working on the best it can be. However, I change the framing - it isn't all about the project I'm working on, but about me and my work. I'm doing what I do because I'm really good at it. I'm doing this because it's helping me level up my own skills. I look back at my path here and see how I have grown into a better designer, better programmer, better game developer over time, which means I will have even more to bring to the next project I get to work on. I encourage you to find a framing that puts your focus on you and your career. Work through your grief and take all the time you need to. Everyone grieves at a different pace. Once you're ready, find something to motivate you on your current project. If you can't, that's ok - maybe it's time to look elsewhere for a new project to work on. Just remember - the project has a whole hierarchy of executives, leads, and developers to advocate for it. If you don't advocate for yourself and your career, no one will.

I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to check in with me later. I hope things work out for you.

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[spocks-husband]

i fell in love with a war (no one told me it ended).

Words: 2,019

Genre/Tropes: Introspective, Angst

Summary: Kira doesn't know who she is now that the war is over.

Notes: Kira... My bbg... I needed her to suffer idk why

Kira Nerys was a bright child-- born a giggling infant with flaming red hair and eyes that wanted so desperately to soak up all the world around her. She was the first-- and, as later they would come to find, only-- daughter of Meru and Taban, and always their pride and joy.

They grieved silently for her, for the person she could've been. It was a silent agony, knowing that had the girl been born in another time, another place, she could've been something so much greater than a child soldier; knowing that she could've held in her hand a paintbrush or a book or perhaps even a Starfleet uniform instead of a phaser that her pudgy fingers were barely large enough to pull the trigger of; knowing that the chances that she would live were slim enough that most other adults the couple knew called them fools for having given her a name before her first birthday.

Or second.

Or third.

'You'll grow too attached,' they would tsk and judge. 'When she dies, you'll have a much harder time getting over it.'

When.

They always said when, never if.

Meru tried not to be angry at the others for such comments, she really did-- she knew the kind of things they'd witnessed, the kind of losses they've felt, because she'd felt them too-- but she couldn't imagine how anyone else could have a child like hers and look down at her-- her little smile, her big eyes, her tiny hands that grasped out for whatever they could reach-- and resign themself to the fact that she wouldn't see her first gratitude festival.

She just couldn't.

Meru and Taban clung to a hope they could barely name, a fragile thread that bound them to a future they dared not fully embrace. Meru used to joke with her husband that she'd prayed so much for Nerys in those first twenty-something months that she could never ask the prophets for anything ever again. She wanted so desperately to watch that little girl grow into a strong, healthy child, to watch her play springball with the other children and argue with whatever siblings she may someday have; to see her grow into an independent woman, to know her passions and her strengths and her weaknesses, to attend her wedding, to know everything it was possible to know about her... 

Meru knew well that it was dangerous to daydream. What was it that her father used to say? 'Hope is a tool that can only be used with your eyes open and vigilant'? Something like that. God, she wished he could've seen Nerys. She was so tiny, asleep on the floor of their home, resting between her parents safe and quiet and ignorant of the fact that just outside the door lay a war most claimed was destined to kill her.

So fragile, so tiny... 

Meru and Taban just hoped she wouldn't stay that way. They both yearned desperately for a day in which they could look at her and remember these early days with a fond nostalgia, wondering how she could've grown so much. Just as long as she didn't stay this small for longer than she was meant to.  

She deserved to grow up.

**

Every Bajoran child-- no matter what province, what family, what caste-- learns early that there are three things true in this world

First and foremost, like the air they breathe, a Bajoran child learns from parents and siblings and neighbors and friends that Cardassians steal and take and brutalize all that stands in front of them by nature. Never trust them-- no matter what they say to you. They will claim they have your best interests at heart, they will claim that they can help you, that they only want to advance your people into a new age of understanding and advancement, that they see you as their beloved wards, but they are lying. That is what they do. They will lie and exploit and cheat until there is no one left on Bajor to do so with, and when that day comes they will move onto the next planet and the next. 

Next, a Bajoran child learns from the nihilists and madmen that line the streets of their camps and villages, men who've seen too much, whose minds have broken into shattered glass with which they can only recall the way it sliced open their fingers and bled them dry that the Bajoran people cower and weep and pray to a collection of Gods that seemingly can't hear them. They are a doomed people, he says, looking the child dead in her eyes as she's rushed further along the path. They cannot be saved!!

Those first two statements are generalizations, perhaps, but the third lesson a Bajoran child is taught-- alongside their earliest words and their alphabet and their morning prayers-- is one that she teaches herself. She teaches herself that there is no time to stop and make moral quandaries about the ethics of generalization when your people face extinction. When the dust has settled and the blood has dried, perhaps she will have time to mourn and agonize over that which she has lived with as a philosophy for all these years, about its questions and -- but now is not that time. 

She's not certain that when (if?) that time comes she'll take advantage of it or not. 

She's not certain she'll be able to. 

She's not certain she'll want to.

**

Nerys' father always told her that her first word was lernal. 

Survive.

Nerys wasn't sure she believed him all that much, but she never questioned it out loud. If her father was lying, it was for both of their sakes. Her father was a figure of stoic strength in the tapestry of her childhood, and he would spend hours reminiscing about a time long before her memories took root. A time when Meru was still with them, when they were something close enough to a family. 'Lernal,' he would repeat it with a quiet gravity, his eyes gazing into a distant past that Nerys herself couldn't recall, a time she could only identify with one simple mantra...

'Survive.'

That single word, spoken with a delicate mixture of pride and solemnity, was etched into the very foundation of Nerys's identity from her earliest memories. Her father insisted that this utterance had been her first, the inaugural testament of a life shaped by the crucible of Cardassian occupation. Yet, as she grew older, Nerys found herself harboring a seed of doubt. She questioned it, silently, but never voiced her skepticism. She couldn't. To question her father's words felt like an act of sacrilege against the sacred narrative of survival that bound their family and, by extension, their entire people. Perhaps, she mused, it was a testament to her father's protective instinct, a shield fashioned from a fibrous thread of hope that he wove into the very framework of their existence. If he lied, it was a benevolent deception, a shared illusion that fortified their resilience against the oppression they lived with.

And besides, if it wasn't true, it was better than her brother's first word. 

Teyma. 

Suffer. 

She heard him say it herself, but when Reon asked if it was true, she didn't answer. She wasn't sure why, but... she couldn't. Nerys was a witness to her brother's proclamation that day, and she couldn't help that she felt a heavy weight settle upon her heart at the thought of it. She had heard her father speak those words to Reon as he explained the story; she had seen the defiant spark in her brother's eyes as he was told-- he found it hilarious. Reon found everything hilarious, actually-- Nerys had always quietly envied his ability to find joy in any circumstance. Yet, when Reon turned to her, a playful gleam in his eyes seeking confirmation, Nerys found herself ensnared in an inexplicable silence. 

The unspoken truth hung between them, a delicate web woven with threads of hesitation and unvoiced fears... Why couldn't she confirm what her father had said? She knew it was true, she'd heard it herself, but she couldn't even bring herself to nod in response. Was it a reluctance to bear witness to the brutality of their shared experience, the childhoods that were stolen from them both, or did it stem from an unspoken acknowledgment that, in a world marred by suffering, some truths were best left obscured? Hidden behind the protective hands of an elder sister, hopeful to keep Reon away from...

From what?

From himself? 

From the truth?

She tried to think about it. She didn't have the answers anyway.

**

When Nerys cut her hair short for the first time, she was thirteen. Or, maybe twelve actually... eleven? Fourteen? Prophets, she didn't know. Time, in those tumultuous days, seemed an elusive phantom, slipping through her grasp like sand between eager fingers. Everything was always so blurry and distant from that time in her life, like watching someone else go about their life through a wall of smoke. Quietly, she wondered what was burning. 

The memories of that day came in flashes and images-- sensations, on the bad days. 

The way that Cardassian guard had grabbed her by the wrist, his grip a malicious vice that left an indelible mark on both her flesh and her psyche. His claws had dug into her skin like knives, puncturing through her pale flesh. At that moment, her eyes wide and her hands shaking, Nerys had accepted that she would make a good martyr. 

The burning smell of the alleyway he'd tucked her into, the acrid scent of some unknown rot permitting her nose and stinging her brain like a cold wind. 

The way he pulled at her hair until she was certain he would pull it out of her scalp. She tried not to think about that agony, that pain, the way her eyes had brimmed with tears-- but she fought to keep the man from seeing her cry. 

The way she'd cried all the way home. That journey, a solitary pilgrimage through the aftermath of something she couldn't identify or name or understand, was marked by the rhythmic cadence of her hiccuping sobs—an inconsolable symphony that resonated with the weight of unspoken torment. 

The way she'd only smiled and shook her head when her father asked if something was wrong because she knew if she spoke she would weep so hard it would kill her. 

'Nerys? Why did you cut your hair?' They would ask. 

She would smile. 

'Just trying something new, that's all.'

**

The nightmares have gotten better. 

The flashbacks were less frequent, less overwhelming. 

That's what Nerys would say to Julian when he asked, anyway. She'd been on the station for more of her adult life than she really felt like thinking about. She knew it well, every passage, every room--  she could've navigated the place with her eyes closed, and she could navigate its people even easier. Julian was her friend. Her doctor, sure, but her friend first. Not worrying him was a larger concern of hers than self-preservation. 

What was it that she used to tell herself? She would make a good martyr? 

Maybe that wasn't true anymore. 

Maybe Nerys had devolved into those same nihilistic madmen in the streets of the camps who taunted her childhood, scared of their own shadows. Maybe she'd grown too comfortable being hunted, too used to being the victim. Maybe it just felt safer to suffer. 

Oh. 

She chuckled softly. 

Temya. 

She still whispered her prayers like she was afraid to get caught practicing her faith.

She still felt her heart rate quicken seeing children play on the promenade-- afraid that they would be spotted by guards that weren't there and be accused of breaking laws that were no longer in place. 

Benjamin had once told her that he sometimes felt that he'd never left Wolf 359...

Had Nerys ever left the battlefield?

Had she moved on past the life she figured she was born for? 

Would she ever? 

Could she?

[cappuccino-bear]

What about Eve? How is she like? Also is Cain her son? Also also, is Lilith Adam’s first wife in this AU? I think you mentioned something about her being in the garden with Eve (?)

let me preface this by saying EVE MY ABSOLUTE BLORBO, I WISH I DIDN'T SUCK ASS AT PLAYING YOU CUZ I LOVE YOU QUEEN (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

You'll get me to talk for a long, long while. You've wanted this Pillo, now suffer ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

Ok, now for her story:

Lilith was the very first woman ever created, meant to be with Adam in Eden's Garden forever. Lilith was not loving the idea, being independent and curious, while Adam was more down to Earth. Noticing this, God made Eve to give Adam someone he could marry, and this did not make Lilith mad. What did make her mad is that God and every Angel in Eden stopped caring about her, wouldn't even talk to her, and basically chastized her for not following her role. She basically said "fuck it" and left.

Adam told Eve it was because she was jealous, and Eve (not having spent too much time with Lilith) bought it. She was head over heels for Adam, like God intended, but even then she was not always satisfied: when asking questions, a lot of Angels talked to her about how it was not her place to ask. When asking them Adam, he'd say he didn't care about it. "Why must these animals and plants die, but not us? Why must we eat, if we never suffer consequences from not doing so? Why are we the only humans in this place?" were some of her more constant questions.

Then one day, a snake tries to convince her to eat the forbidden fruit. Eve is skeptical on this, but she's told something that convinces her: she'd get the same knowledge God had denied her. Plus, If God put this here, wouldn't it want them to eat it, like a test? Adam strolls up a couple minutes later, sees her eat the fruit, and does not even think twice before biting into it, too. Not because he wanted to be with her, but because he truly thought since she did it, he could do it too.

Cut to them being thrown out. Adam screams at her, it was her fault after all, what were they gonna do now? They'll die one day, was their life in the Garden so bad? Was she so bored out of her mind dying was worth it???

And Eve is just thinking... I just wanted answers. I trusted that snake was one of God's creatures, and now I'm being punished for it. Why is God like this, did it hate me? It did warn me, but it should have known about it, right? It was all knowing after all! (Spoiler: God is not all knowing. At all. But it claims to be, otherwise it would not be God, yknow?)

Their relationship is strained. Adam prays all the time, only devotes his life to God, not to Eve or the other humans they end up meeting. He ignores his sons most of the time, just reminding them to sacrifice the best cattle and scolding them if they do not. He likes Abel because he does so willingly, and chastizes Cain for not doing so that often. He thinks getting attached to things is useless, because God will take them away eventually, so you just gotta pray and devote to him and him only. He was an absent father and lover, basically. Eve, on the other hand, is still able to find love for things on Earth: she loves her sons, her new friends, her community, the little newborn calves and chicks they raise... just, quietly, to not anger Adam. But she still despises God. She prays, but makes it clear often and loudly that she doesn't like it. This is later reflected on Cain, who prefers her over his father (for obvious reasons). So when Abel is killed, she grieves hard, while Adam is just scolding and beating Cain. Cain is killed a couple years after, and she goes numb. A few days later she goes to bed and never gets up again, she dies of heartbreak.

And she wakes up not in Heaven, but in Limbo, the first circle of Hell, alone and covered with darkness and mist because of her distrust in God. She's asked for help by Satan later on, but she eventually rejects him and gains the WOB curse for not marrying him, basically casting her as this horrible beast and temptress and Mother of Harlots, despite never being one.

Also she is mildly FUCKING OUTRAGED that Adam is in Heaven, having been forgiven by God because he asked for it while Eve rejected to do so. She does not think she's in the right, but she wants to give God a piece of her mind face to face before admitting defeat and asking for forgiveness.

OKAY that was long I could not help myself ╮(╯▽╰)╭

Anyway, Eve is first and foremost protective: even if from a distance, she keeps an eye out for everyone, stubbornly refusing to not aid others, almost like she thinks it's owed of her. That being said, she's also not the most open: she cares deeply about others, she feels everything hard, but she's not... the best at handling emotions that are not anger at this point. She comes off as cold, aloof, aggressive, because she cannot bring herself to open up in an healthy way, her emotions either get buried down deeper or she shouts them out in the worst ways. Even then, her caring nature shines through, maybe by helping Cain bandage his stump, or cleaning Lilith's blood from her cheeks, or quietly hugging Maggie when she panics.

She's trying to fix her relationship with Cain.... emphasis on trying, because it's so darn hard from her, so they always end up fighting. She wants to tell him that she's sorry she failed as a mother, that even if he did something horrible she forgives him, while he cannot handle asking her if she ever even loved him in the first place, for fear she'll say no.

Also she's the disaster lesbian of the two, and like 70% of Lilith's impulse control.

[lettersbyanne]

To my greatest experience of my 2022

T,

Time passes by so quickly, isn't? I didn't realize how this "happy crushing" would go for a year now. It was an amazing feeling I've felt after quite some time. To be honest, I was just suppose to admire you from afar since I was still scared. Scared of actually entering a new relationship.

But with all the things I've seen, on and off stream, you made me want to try. You made me able to breathe again. It was silly, I know. Flirting through chats, in this godfosaken internet thing. I know it made me look like I was a typical Filipino who makes everything a dating app but believe me when I said that I really did like you. My feelings were real, and it might seem really unbelievable 'cause we haven't met yet but I was sure of liking you, 'cause if I weren't, my bones wouldn't have this chattering sound like they're about to break whenever you reply to my messages.

You don't have to worry, though. I wasn't at the point where I'm falling because I knew, I knew from the start that things between us will never accelerate. From the way you reply, down to the way you treat me, I knew. But I didn't like having second thoughts nor what ifs. I don't like having regrets especially to you, who have shown me that my standards can really exist from this ever changing world.

So before I completely move forward in life, I want you to know the things that have made me like you. You're grateful and appreciative, remember the first time we talked? You thanked me for something so little that I did. You're so patient. You've listened to all the things I've explained, even gave me assurance that I wasn't invading your personal space. You don't get mad so easily. I know, I've done a lot of stupid things that might have caused misunderstandings. Esp your birth month, until now, it makes me cry that you've actually accepted such selfish request from me and even shutting your mouth when your friends and the viewers begun teasing you about it. I've put you onto a lot of awkward situation that you could have reprimanded me—but you didn't and I know it's because you are so kind that you didn't wanna hurt anyone else in the process and instead, have shut yourself out. You don't entertain anyone else. I really liked that part about you it made me think that you're loyal. I've heard a lot from Anya, Juno and Jeus, and they all speak great things about you. How you don't talk to anyone that may have romantic feelings for you—even to me. It just shows how you didn't wanna give false hope or make them expect something from you and I think that it's cool. I also like your deep voice, how you're so talented with a lot of instruments, esp piano. How pretty your hands are. How you love your furbabies. How you also watches anime. I like your long hair, your dead dad jokes, how you always share things on stream out of the blue. How calm you can be whenever you play games. How you can be silly and naughty at times. I like your name the most, Thomas Michael. Tomy.

I could have go on and talk all the things that I've liked about you in the past year but I might hear you say, "it's so long." So to end things, I wanna say sorry. Sorry that I've invaded your personal space too much. To all the awkward situation I've put you in. I also wanna thank you. Thank you for letting me like you. My 2022 have become so much brighter that it made me forget that I was grieving. Thank you for being so nice, appreciative and entertaining. You were so good to me. Too good to be mine but know that I won't ever regret liking you. You may have gloomy existence most of the time but you were like an star on a cold-winter day of mine, who gave me chills to my bones and lit a light from my dead existence. It might never have gone on what I have in mind but you were my greatest experience of my 2022. I'm ready to love someone else who's not you and I do hope, I wish, I pray, that you'll find yours too.

love, Juju.

[lovedlovingly]

it's insane how internalized misogyny still rules me, the curse i inherited from my family is absolutely not broken but it has become lighter. i wish i learnt something more from my mom than "please a(ny) man at every turn or he will leave u - and that happening is worse than death" as if it hasn't almost killed me and left me dead having to please men.... (also AS IF that was a solid recipe to make anyone stay as if they're worth having around only for that) i don't wish this life upon me. and idc for my mom because she still wishes it upon herself and me so like, she can sort herself out i won't forgive her til she does and then still maybe not.

sitting down with myself rn and I feel like i haven't learnt anything this year about moving forward and wanting better for myself, just better @ handling when i get screwed over. and that's just sad. it just means it'll happen again til i learn, and I'm too tired for that.... but where do i start the change? how do i break it? how does every fiber and molecule in my body change into stop believing the false truth. it's so fucking harddddddd. life should be easier. and i should love myself more and want better for myself. it's just hard when it's so hard to find better aswell 😅

i feel like i should be able to find good ppl to practice green flags with, not just to figure out why this person yet again was a red flag. like i get that i need to say no to more ppl in my life and shut the door sooner, but holy fuck it's hard when the only other option is being lonely. not just alone but lonely. wheres the [lesson] in that? "better alone than in bad company" cool in theory pretty sad after 30y

what i did do in 2022 was change out my whole friend group tho. i was so tired of being taken for granted, money time energy emotionally etc. and being told "you'll always be there for me anyways:)" like idk. yeah i need to cut out ppl sooner and I'm still feeling the bitterness negative effects of staying around those ppl for way too long! so now i need to untangle that as well! and the ppl I've found this year are so much better cuter and calmer - and i love it and at the same time it's hard to be both present and grieve what's been.

one positive thing is that i have been able to stop overthinking e v e r y t h i n g this year, go more on feeling a little more on "be the friend u wanna have" (when there's energy fuck i hate being sick) and I've actually challenged my paranoia which is a bit calmer now. for the first time since i was like 11. so have I done work this year? and especially fighting for my physical health both energy time and wallet wise? yes.

am i still exhausted and sad that i don't feel I've personally changed enough to not be so hungry for any new interaction i could possibly make? yes. am i still going insane over hearing a cishet guy go "i think I'm ready for a relationship, i mean I'm fit and I'm kinda funny" and those were his only highlights KWNWKENEL when I've turned myself inside and out to [become the best person for myself and someone else and a possible future family] but again misogyny creeps into that. that my only worth is what i can give.

if there's something i have learnt this year tho, it's that I'm so easy to love. some ppl just want to take advantage of it and then get bored when they notice i stay lovable. and its a them problem. I'm not gonna take responsibility for that anymore. one cursed chain broken. but it feels far from enough in the bigger picture

[yourmoonlight22]

Letter #My last goodbye

O jet, o zemer, o dusho moja...

We talked about these days a lot. And I feel it was more than we should have, but at the same time that we didn't talked about them enough, because I wasn't prepared for them. You left without a warning, explanation and I'm here with a lot of unanswered questions. But I accepted I will never get those answers. I accepted that there is no perfect ending without heartbreak that I wanted for us. So here I am, writing another, but this time a last goodbye letter.

You know how scared I was at the beginning. I was scared to fall in love with you, to lose you and then to be hurt and in pain. But I was also scared to not fall in love with you and then to lose my chance to love someone amazing as you, which I would regret. I wish there was a way to love you without being hurt at the end, but there wasn't. I made that choice and even though I say I regret it when I'm mad, the truth is - I don't.

I wish I was telling you more that I love you. Because I do. More than I was ever able to show and express. Even though things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, I wish you knew how happy you made me at times and how grateful I am for meeting you. You were there with me when I was going through some really sh*tty moments and even now, when something like that is happening, I can hear your voice saying my name and telling me that everything will be fine.

That's why I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You are one of the strongest, kindest, purest souls I have ever met and I'm so proud of you. If I could keep you safe from everyone and everything bad of this world - I would (I know what you're thinking, "oh, you and your fairy tales again" :)). I wish you could see that sparkle in your eyes or those soft lines around them when you smile. Your laugh is still my favourite sound and if I could show you how it warms my soul, you would love yourself this much too.

I still haven't told you everything I can, everything I'm thinking, feeling, because every day there is something new. There is so many more unspoken words, but I don't see the point of this anymore, because you will never read things I wrote. I saw this quote the other day: "I feel crazy, because I'm grieving someone who is alive and well." And yeah, that's kinda what I'm doing here. And it has to stop. So...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed. But I hope I didn't made your life miserable. I hope you remember some good times too and those bad... I will take them as lessons and I hope you will too. I'm sorry I won't be there to see all the good things in life that are waiting for you. But, I know you will achieve them all and I will always support you from afar.

Thank you. Thank you for everything. You taught me not to be scared to be loved by others and also that not being perfect is perfectly fine. Thank you for the memories. I will keep them safe in a pocket in my heart. Thank you for letting me close to the people you love the most. Teta Eita loves her so much.

I miss you. I always will. But every time I do, I look at the sky and I hope you're looking too. Even when we don't see it, the Moon is there and it's beautiful.

I forgive you. I know I told you I won't, but I forgive you. I wouldn’t trade a second of knowing you, I know you're a good person and you didn't want to hurt me, so it's ok. If you didn't still - forgive yourself too. Be good and be gentle with yourself.

I promise you - I won't forget you. I won't even try to. If I get a chance for another life, I promise you I'll try to find you sooner. I hope you'll choose me next time.

I love you. Te dua. Volim te. There is nothing but love for you in this heart of mine. Never forget that.

Kiss you. Hug you. A lot, a lot. Everything and everywhere. 💜🌕 Goodbye shpirto, Your Girly

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Hi S - I’m sorry to dump on you but I feel like my friends are sick of hearing about this and I have to talk to someone.

I adore the apartment I’m renting right now, but my landlord told me a few weeks ago that she’s selling it. She’s been really nice and kept me at the same rent while everyone else’s exploded, which means my money means much less than it did three years ago, so everything I’m seeing so far is a huge step down. Which is hard, because this is the first place I’ve lived and felt truly safe in in my life.

I just saw an apartment that’s much smaller, and doesn’t have a dishwasher, but it’s clean and in an incredible location and only $100 more in rent. But I have some (maybe fruitless) concerns about the maintenance set up, and the move in date is a month earlier than I’d been preparing myself for. So I’ve been wrapped in a panic attack for hours second guessing myself. Because I don’t want to let this go and regret it, but I’m also still processing losing my perfect apartment.

This is when I need a dom, not sexually atm but, like, for life advice (only partly joking). Because my gut feeling changes every few hours and I’m not trusting myself and I just want this uncertainty to end.

Hey, sweetheart.

It's chill, lol. I can't promise you good advice but, hey, I'll definitely listen.

That's really tough! Losing a place to live, in general, always sucks when you like it there, but it especially sucks in the current economy when the price of living is stupid high. You have to spend so much for so little. Plus, yeah, it sounds like you really, really enjoy where you're living right now and are deeply connected to it. You've had a good time there, and you're very familiar with it, so I get that it's hard to let it go. I don't think anyone would want to let that go.

If you like the other apartment you've been looking at, then you like it. The location sounds like a highlight for you. So, it might be worth it just for that. Yet, I get the maintenance concerns. You'll have to consider if any maintenance issues that might come up will be worth the $100 less of rent each month. "Worth it" in terms of actual money or in emotional labor and stress if things are breaking or degrading continually. It might be possible to find somewhere else that is $100 more, but you have fewer concerns with it, so it could balance out. Peace of mind can be priceless (especially if you have anxiety and tend toward being high-strung). It might not be possible, though. I don't know your whole situation. I, as dorky as it sounds, often need to write down the positives and negatives when it comes to large decisions like what you're describing. You might try that. The pros and cons can all be logical or all emotional or a mix, if you try it, it doesn't matter. It's just good to spill your thoughts.

Second-guessing yourself is hard, too. So is making decisions when you're pressed. I understand not wanting to regret passing up this opportunity at the same time that you don't want to rush into something.

Personally, I think I would hold off because of the mentioned concerns with maintainace--I know what a pain in the ass that can be--and the quick turnaround that suggests you have more time to look around for other listings that have the possibility of being better. However, you know your situation best. Maybe that other apartment is the best thing. It sounds like it could be if cleanliness is on your positive, unexpected benefit list. If so, go for it. But let yourself process that it sucks to lose your current apartment as you go through it. You do not need to suck it up and just be happy that you have found a new place. You can process that this situation sucks, then, slowly, learn things to appreciate about the new place.

Overall, it makes sense that you're upset. This apartment you have now has made you feel safe. You might feel like it seems silly to other people, but this is something worth grieving over losing. It's been your home. Three years is a long time. You're being made to leave before you're ready. That's rough. Even though you might logically know that you will be okay and you will make new memories and find safety and forage your own space in a new apartment, that doesn't stop it from being scary. You'll be okay, though. Whatever decision you make. Regrets are scary but not an end all, be all.

P.S. You say you feel as though your friends are tired of hearing about it, but you're going through it. I'm sure they're not as tired as you think they are. There's updates and changes, and clearly, it's affecting you, so they should be there to help you through it. That's what friends are for.

Take care of yourself <3

[magbld]

#6 Entry

You saw my Tumblr. I think I feel wrong a bit for showing it to you honestly. I felt that I may have robbed you from healing a bit and I'm sorry for that. I hope you're doing well and felt like this was a good closure for you! I hope you ate well today and slept really good and are excited for the next semester and all the things you'll do in your future! I thought about you all day in all sorts of context; I guess it just feels weird that those are just memories now? It's upsetting to think I wont be close with you anymore like how we were -- but it's for the best for you. I'm sorry I often didn't speak much about how I feel or anything like that! It was a something I've always had trouble with. I find writing a lot more easier to express with. Today, I haven't done much LOL! I woke up really sore. The moment I got home from skiing I had a bit of food and just layed down the whole day. Going in and out of consciousness and what not. My lower back aches (you'd always say that to me) and my thighs are on fire. I woke up today pretty frustrated honestly. I'm still trying to cope and grieve with everything and especially since yesterday I think it just become more overwhelming for me. I'm glad to have read a bit of your Tumblr posts. I was honestly glad you still thought of me and missed me. It's funny how weird we really are? trapped to doing the more smart decision and better decision for ourselves HAHA! I have an appointment tomorrow to get a tooth gem. I hope they saw I have good teeth and ask me to model for their instagram for a reduced price (PLEASE!!!) so silly. I hope it goes well, we almost got tooth gems aswell. Sorry we never made it to it. I played the guitar for a bit and I feel like I'm getting a lot better! My chords feel a lot more stronger and vibrant and not as buzzy and lazy as before. I'm glad. My finger tips feel numb now though. I feel more flexible in my fingers and feel better mind and muscle coordination with my fingertips aswell. I then read a few pages of the love book and it talks about learning how to be comfortable being alone (not lonely). I think I'll practice one of the things they did. The first step is called "Solo Audit" where you record things you do along and if you're comfortable doing it or not. and why? it's something you dot out throughout the week. I wrote down a few things I did in the past few days alone and the things I've done today. I also read a bit of the poetry book. At some times I feel like it's kind of corny but every here and there there is a good little poem. And I can't wait to read other poetry books now. I went to our old spot and it was really cold LOL. The snow was quite going and I don't think I dressed appropriately. I had on my black hoodie with my turtle neck underneath wrapped into my leather jacket wearing my earmuffs and gloves. on the bottoms I had on my black trousers with my wool socks and the boots I've been wearing recently. I wiped off the log honestly just to check if you'd wrote anything or if my message was still there. It's crazy that there was a coyote 25 feet away from me. We locked eyes. It ran! ran fast LOL. I realized I should go and nervously walked home hoping that I wasn't a target. I just kept looking behind me and walked on the populated roads for safety. I ate some spaghetti and played the guitar some more. I'm watching the bear right now and it's good! Tina finally changed up from being a bitch. Fuck TINA!!! till now at least HA.

You've been on my mind all day everyday-- I guess you've always had even before LOL! but in a different context. I hope you're doing well. I don't have much to talk about today because I didn't have much that was new. Maybe I'll make shakshouka sometime soon or a tinned fish pasta. Maybe make some greek desserts I saw on instagram recently. I can't wait to get tooth gems. I miss you. I hope one day we'll see each other again. And felt how we did before. I won't ever ask you. I can't rob you of that. I still feel like I need to keep a distance so I don't interfere. But god it hurts so bad. I'll miss our connection a lot. See you.