#and. itll probably be. like. next week tbh

[toytulini]

bout to have a rough fucking week or two or 3 or month or months

[be-good-to-bugs]

you would think considering how much it loves sleeping that my body would, yknow, sleep when i ask it to. or even just when it has barely slept in days and im trying so hard to sleep

[devotedlystrangewizard]

the curse of having a vision that is so far above ur skill level you just kinda think about it

[8aji]

im a lil embarrassed that most of the posts ive posted (duh) as of late were text posts abt me being sick LMFAO n it feels silly to write this but i think i may log out of this acc for a lil while at least on mobile <3

[causenessus]

GOOD MORNING 🗣️🗣️ i know its like 6 something am but we're gonna ignore that bc i physically cannot fall back asleep (curse insomnia)!! make sure you eat enough today and drink water! idk when you're gonna answer this ask but im assuming at nighttime like usual so dont forget to take your meds 🙂‍↕️

omg recently ive been having matcha a concerning amount like i went to an asian store like a WEEK ago and now like every day im making something with it... it's probably fine though?? i wasnt even a big matcha enthusiast before but i remembered seeing a post from you and literally all it said was matcha break and i was like "hm! that sounds pretty good tbh now i want matcha." so here i am, after buying matcha. addiction isn't pretty/j

ANYWAY when i was trying to fall asleep i randomly remembered when u put up a shelf and accidentally messed up a tag on your post about it😭 i think it said something like "if you're rintarou suna i don't care" and when i read it i was like oo that's not! and then u reblogged it with the correction BUT APPARENTLY IM THE EXCEPTION ‼️ i think we got married under that post LMAOAOAO so i remembered all of that when i was trying to fall asleep and then i js started laughing it was so stupid omg,, pushed back my sleeping like 15 minutes but it was worth it bc it was funny

SO ITS MY FIRST DAY BACK TO SCHOOL TODAY OH MY GOSH 😨 itll probably fine im just dramatic but theres sm people i do NOT wanna see. like keep them far away from me or ill flip my shit type of not wanna see 🥰 so thats always fun yk! we're in this together now ness 🙂‍↕️

HAVE A GOOD DAY!! <333

HELLO HELLO SAV!!! i'm sorry for how long it took me to answer your ask </33 PLEASE MAKE SURE TO EAT AND DRINK AND TAKE YOUR MEDS AS WELL!! THANK YOU SO MUCH LOVE <3

matcha addictions are really not pretty LMAO for my wallet or anything else but honestly i love it!! and i'm so happy to have converted you!!! they're super super good i actually love that their bitter and honestly i will drink any matcha no matter if it's sweet or unsweetened 😭😭 my addiction is so bad that i even drink like two a day usually but at least....it's energizing...!!!!! so i hope you're enjoying your matchas <33

AND LMAO THE WAY I BURST OUT LAUGHING ABOUT THAT STORY YOU WERE REMEMBERING 😭😭😭 I'M GLAD TO HAVE MADE YOU LAUGH BC THAT WAS NOT A PRETTY MOMENT WE DEF GOT MARRIED UNDER THAT POST!! <33333 but i went back to like read my post twirling my hairs like "omg i love suna so much 🥰" and then reread the post like "OMG HOLD ON WAIT I SAID I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HIM </3" but he knows i meant well 😔😔 and i corrected it in the end!!

AND I TOTALLY GET IT YOU'RE NOT DRAMATIC AT ALL!! THAT'S HOW I FEEL LIKE 24/7 LIKE YES I'VE BEEN BACK IN SCHOOL FOR A WEEK and still everyday i wake up like "man i am not looking forward to seeing these people today" like they never get better </3 in fact, they get worse 💀 I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT DAY!!! AND LUCKILY IT'S FRIDAY SO I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND AS WELL!! AND GET TO REST A LITTLE BEFORE THIS NEXT WEEK STARTS </3

[moonjxsung]

hi star my little moonlit angel 😔💖💖

aa im having like the most stressful week and idk where to talk abt it so i hope you dont mind me dumping for a sec :((

exams are killing me rn and idk if its finals week or my final week cs holy shit i am dying 😭😭

ive been pulling all nighters trying to get all my projects and group studies done and my exams are DEF not helping in my case and idk if ive even been eating properly there's probably a spoiled banana from last week in my bag somewhere atp 🤸‍♀️🤸‍♀️ (im going mentally insane)

i havent even properly been on tumblr in a while and my social media is blowing up w notifs and dms from friends and ive been too busy to check it either tbh

honestly im hoping itll all turn out well by next week cs is my winter break 🤧

on another note i wanted to dump on my exes when all your anons were doing it but i was too scared to but now i genuinely need to tell u abt this because umm

my fwb is like a super nice guy and ive been friends w him for a while but i recently found out hes rlly good friends with one of my exes ⁉️

basically i asked (my ex) out once and he said yes and i thought we were chill but a few friends ended up asking him if we were dating like two days later without asking me for confirmation first and he said no.. (??)

i assumed he js didnt want like a too public relationship with everyone knowing so to clarify i asked him what was up and he said he ended up having second thoughts on me because his friends called me a red flag and he doesnt like the fact that i have guy friends and im close with them.... (💀💀)

so then i said oh okay..? 😭 and was over it but almost a month later he asked me out and atp he just gave me the icks so i made an excuse saying that i wanna focus on academics and not do anything relationship wise and he said he would wait 😭😭 (he in fact did not pick up the hint!)

then a little over month later he asked me out AGAIN and i said no i dont think i like you anymore sorry and he said oh that's fine and i thought we were chill??

a week later my messages BLEW UP one day and my guy friends were all snitching on him telling me that he's gong around slutshaming me and talking shit abt me for no reason and he said i was desperate and asked him out 3 times when he said no and he was never interested in me in the first place.. and then proceeded to sexualize my body and say weird ass shit abt it to everyone and they believed that i was a desperate whore or smth 😭

this happened a year ago but i was walking down the halls around a month ago and i saw him with his friends so i just rushed past

and his friends were like "oh isnt that the bitch who liked you?" and i heard him say "oh yeah she liked me like a year ago" and then proceeded to sexualize me while i was right fucking there but i dont even want any more drama w him so i dont bother saying anything back or leaking messages or wtv i js hope karma gets back at him 😭

and now idk if i should tell my fwb abt this?? or maybe it doesnt really concern me but it bothers me that hes hanging out with a guy like that and im conflicted on what to do

its not like i have the right to tell him who to be friends with either so 🤷‍♀️

what should i dooo

-《as always, your occasionally appearing but always stalking ☘ annonie》

(p.s. do you have any spotify song reccomendations 🥺🥺)

much lovee

Pooooookie you can always vent here ily ily :(

I’m so sorry to hear you’re stressed from exams :(( I’m rooting for you okay !! Please make sure to eat whenever you can (even if it’s something small!) and stay hydrated :( what’s the use of doing good on finals if your body gives out on you :(

No I feel u on the social media thing I get SO stressed when I have DMs or texts or whatever I just flat out don’t check them. I think I have 200 unread texts rn (it’s been around 1000 at some point) and I know im such a shitty friend but I just cannot respond to them 😭😭 I gotta put me first you guys

WINTER BREAK NEXT WEEK THOOO hang in there baby it’ll get better soon 🥺🫶🫶🫶🫶

OH MY GOD???? Pookie that’s fucking disgusting I’m so sorry you’re dealing with men like that rn???? I had a veryyyy similar situation with a guy who my friend tried to set me up with at a party who kinda liked for a little bit and then when I said I was comfortable being in a relationship he started slutshaming me to everyone under the fucking SUN and apparently he had a discord group where I was just CONSTANTLY the topic of conversation and when I heard about it I cried so hard ☹️ in my case I also had people who were friends with him and I voiced to them that it made me severely uncomfortable. Like the people in my life should know about the people who wronged me (especially if I’m sleeping with them??) and it just made me feel safer. It’s obviously up to you but I would probably tell him just so that he knows that’s someone you’re weary about and you don’t feel safe around ☹️ your safety and your wellbeing is the most important thing pookie ☹️ keep me posted if you need anything at all okay I love you lots and I’m sorry you’re going through this ☹️🫶

Song recs song recs yes here are some I’ve been listening to on repeat all week (there’s only like one kpop song in there but it’s my fav kpop song of all time so TRUST it was gonna make it to the list) I’ve been listening to Glass Animals, TV Girl and M83 on repeat for the entire year I think 😭😭

I love you endlessly okay keep you chin up better days are coming for us !! 🫶🫶🫶🫶 soon it’ll be winter break and you can just sit back and drink hot chocolate and tell me all about it and say you lived through it. Hang in there my love

[djsadbean]

quick update post for the "how wordgirl should've ended" video :3 (its long so its under da cut

I’m prepping the notes for the “How WordGirl Should’ve Ended” video for next month (probably) and I had the amazing idea to actually write the episodes for the final season and tbh it’s making me wanna make them real xD

I really want it to be special and I MIGHT actually make entire scripts for them. AHH idk I think I will! They’re really fun episodes and I think it’ll be really fun to act them out too LOL

Initially I wanted to ask the community if anyone wants to voice anyone but I can’t pay (there’s literally $28 in my savings BLEH) and I don’t wanna ask anyone to work for free, so I’ll probably just do it all myself. I’ll try my best! XD anyway, that’s where I am with this video. I just wanted to give a quick update bc this might take a while, so I'll put out more videos in between. maybe mini essays? animatics? idk but i think itll be good for me to bounce between projects every other week.

The silly tier list video is going up on Saturday (or Sunday? I couldn’t go to the print shop today bc of a storm so the schedule might be pushed back to Sunday)

anyway yeah! im like,,,,, really enjoying making videos LOL I like talking about this stuff but i feel bad holding my loved ones hostage telling them about how i think [REDACTED]. also i like writing SO MUCH.

okay luv u byeeeeeee

[b0nywh0res]

hi!! so since im not active 24/7 anymore i feel like u missed a lot so little update!!

i lost most of my friends. ive had so many depressive episodes and then weird episodes where i would hate them and want them to die. so ig it makes sense but also they know that i have these episodes but wtv not everyone can handle that and i respect that. they didnt have to be such bitches abt it tho. i got them muffins as apology bc i rlly cant control those episodes and they fucking rolled their eyes at me. girl. ur acting as if ur not fucking toxic urself. at least own it omg.

L and i got sooo close irl. shes been way more touchy w me which i rlly appreciate bc its so comforting and makes me feel so much more loved than just words.

and uhm. today was the worst day of my life. i had a panic attack during english class so i left and decided to skip the next period which is allowed if ur in a bad mental state. i told a teacher and he was like okay fine but for some reason the secretary still called my mom? she was so mad bc she doesnt believe in mental illnesses and all that yk so i was too scared to go home. i told my homeroom teacher and she said that there was obv a bigger underlying issue that was causing this. i basically started sobbing and she was so kind to me and hugged me. she even started crying w me oml.

she said that one of the teachers saw me looking at pro-ana sites in class(probably tumblr i hate yall LMAO) and they told her. she wouldnt tell me who it was. if i find out who snitched i will hshdhsjdh. i fr cant let anyone know abt my ed but god i was so close to telling her everything.

she said that i dont have any adults in my life who i can rely on and that i carry way too much for a teenager. shes getting me a school therapists and tbh i dont think itll help much bc ive had a few before but shes so nice to me so ill try. idk if im ready to talk abt my ed yet but i def want to do smth abt my mood swings and everything that comes w it. its so tiring.

she couldnt rlly do anything abt my moms anger so she told me that it was just one day and that i could get through it and i would speak w her again tmr. heating her say that was a real relief ngl. my mom hasnt ever been this mad(except for that one time 3 years ago when she wouldnt allow me anywhere but the attic for 3 weeks) and its rlly scary. home situation isnt great and school isnt either but god id do anything to be at school rn.

all in all life still sucks, i love L and now im starting school therapy. woohoo.

[abcdosaka]

i feel like this was kinda a long time coming but it definitely feels weird to write it down.

having a weird time trying to, i guess, 'solve' my sex life and kinda by extension love life and reconcile it with having an actual relationship with my family. the hilarious part is the thing that brought this on was me shopping for toys lmao. this post is like half sex half depression.

like i was browsing dildos bc i wanna try to experience penetration for once without clenching up like a vise grip like i wanna try to learn to enjoy it bc ngl im getting a bit of fomo of all the other girlies out there. and also ive never really had the opportunity to kinda explore different things sexually like maybe i was just afraid but now that im basically financially independent its like i want to try. the same way i tried last year but this time i dont feel like there's other people or things holding me back. except there kinda is

anyway the entire time i was thinking like wait isnt this kinda like analogous to a man's penis? yeah no shit but its the realistic ones specifically that get me. i'm like wait i really do not like that. it really shoves in your face that like this is a MALE sex organ (which ya ik gender and sex is not real but for all intents and purposes in this case, it’s male). and its weird its like my brain kinda gets that im a lesbian but there's a disconnect with my body somewhere. like ok i know there's a huge thing about this and its like stepping on a minefield but just for me personally. i never thought i had a strong genital preference specifically like i always thought well, i like boobs and i like pussy and if i'm like watching porn or whatever and a dick pops up im like cool fine that is an object thats not a human. sorry to anyone i dehumanized just now. but its not like i HATE dick i think its alright sometimes even great but is it something i want inside me? idk. not really. especially not face to face with a man its just disturbing idk.

but point is im still kinda mentally in denial somewhere like my brain thinks theres some deep trauma or problem or bias against men that needs to be solved so that i can like men. but ive never been through a trauma like that. and obviously im well aware i am a little sexist like i dont vibe well with men. is that why? like i don't like the idea of having to have a relationship with a man bc i need to feel superior somehow? or maybe not superior but just not inferior. like its just more equal between women. yeah i think thats maybe it. but i feel like thats not just it. i also feel like theres some biologic instinct that turns me off to them. or maybe its nature vs nurture and ive nurtured myself so hard that im like well i can't like men now. the weird part about that is that i'd think it should be the other way around. like how straight incels will be like god i wish i was gay but i can't help being attracted to women. its a question ive been trying to solve for a decade and maybe i already know the answer but idk how to feel solid about it

anyway i saw one that was so cute it was like a bunch of pink hearts but its way too girthy. plus it was like $55 which is just. its probably normal for dildo prices that arent the microplastics shein ones but also like seriously. i might wait for if it goes on sale if i think ill like it after i try a smaller one. ill have to order it next week bc i wanna ship it to the post office so theres no chance my upstairs neighbour would get it by accident. but tbh ive experienced enough embarassing things that when i recall them i dont even get embarassed im just numb so i think if that happened itll just go in the numb pile or maybe funny pile.

now to the kinda sad part. how tf do i tell my family? ive always known that im gonna have to tell them sooner or later and id do it after im financially independent but this is the thing in my way that i was talking about. my family is not perfect or even close at all but idk. they kind of are all i got. yeah i have friends but nobody close enough to call in an emergency or whatever. and i feel a bit bad bc they have actually done a lot for me. like the shit before uni was whatever like thats what you do for family but everything they helped me with during uni, even though i hated it, i did need their help. i guess if i had other people to rely on i wouldn't have. but im a really fucking guarded person like i really dont like trusting people like that. at least with my family i believe they wouldn't screw me over bc of something petty. i moved halfway across the country so i could have the sort of privacy i wanted and seems like my mom knows that but i talked to her today and she was like maybe i could come visit in july and i was like alright i guess. but now im like wait so what happens if i start dating.

i actually really dislike that it seems like everyone in my family, extended and all, all of the sudden wants to hang out all the fucking time.

you know i bet they wouldn't even acknowledge it. in which case im not gonna acknowledge that they aren't acknowledging it. like ill just pretend they accept it. i need to make some queer friends here like actually

or maybe it isn't as big a deal as i think it is. i do live pretty far away. wtf are they gonna do from all the way over there lmao. nobody's gonna kill me over it. worst is i probably get disowned or cut off. or ill have to be the villain and cut them off. thatll be interesting

[calpops]

I think... once I’ve gotten veiled valor posted today *fingers crossed I get it done on time* I’m going to use the weekend to finally finish the Ashton one shot I’ve had two paragraphs written for since June 16th

[wetslug]

anyway my Life Goals have changed if my tourettes goes away id love to do something in reconstructive surgery :^)

[mothonfire]

Voice Cracks || Prt2

read on ao3 || this masterlist

Adrian Chase // gn!reader

Warnings ; Mentions of blood and injuries 

Sipnosis ; man idk, part two (tbh I´m a bit disapointed, i thought itll be better)

5.9k 

Part one || Part two

The skyline falls

The room was dark, windowless, your face lit up by the white computer screen. You were in a small office building, about forty-five minutes away from your apartment; a temporary job they said. You were filling up some reports, blasting music and trying not to fall asleep. It wasn't late at all, you still had a few hours left there but you had been working nonstop for almost a week, something messy happened in one of the secret labs your team was monitoring and you had been left to clean up the mess, again. You turned around, throwing your headphones back. The door to the office had been open, letting light into the room. You flinched, covering your eyes as you groaned, music barely audible now. 

“You in Evergreen, right?” The woman eating a sandwich as she leaned into your doorframe was your teammate, who was supposed to be at a meeting on some other floor. 

“What?” You said, trying to make out her face without hurting your eyes too much.

“Evergreen,” she bit her food “you live there, don't you?”

You nodded, rubbing your face “Temporally, yeah, I´m staying there” 

“Perfect,” She came into the room and threw a yellow binder at your desk, smiling “you are getting reassigned, field work” 

“Sorry?” You blinked up at her. 

“Remember that black ops you were cleaning up a while ago?” You nodded, taking the binder “Well, some agents are going to start operating from there and they need a tech guy” 

“I'm the tech guy?” You closed the binder. 

“Yeah,” she finished the food, “basically same thing you do here but in a common office” You curled your lips up at her, sinking into your seat. “Oh come on, it's not that bad, maybe you make some friends” She smiled, a hint of sarcasm in her voice. She was nice, lovely even, but that didn't make it any better. 

“Sure, when…?” 

“Today, pack your things sweetnuck.” She started walking away. 

You stood up “Who's in charge?” 

The woman caught herself again, holding on to your office's door frame. She raised her brows “Emilia Harcourt” 

“Really?” She nodded and you took your bag, turning the computer off “Didn't she get shot like three times? I thought she was in physical therapy.” 

“Twice, and yeah, she was.” She shrugged “I guess she's not anymore, I don't know.”

There was a big truck at the back of the new headquarters when you arrived. Two men you recognized from the office were unloading the white truck, big boxes being carried inside. You shut your car's door and waved at them as you walked into the building, a small library that had been shut down a few months ago, probably for this purpose. A blonde woman was checking some papers, leaning into a wooden table. 

“Harcourt?” You asked tilting your head, not daring to step further into the room. She looked up at you for a second.

“Yeah,” she got some papers and walked to one of the grey cabinets in the room “you are the new techie, right?” You nodded when she looked at you, she sighed “Great, your table is that one over there, next to mine. Just leave your things and go home for a few hours. We are having a group meeting tonight, I'll explain what the job is about.”  

You stepped into the room, putting your bag on the table she had pointed at before. “Tonight? I can't tonight.” 

“Yes, you can. I'm sure whatever you were gonna do can wait.” You frowned, taking some stuff off your bag. Emilia looked at you, phone in hand and for a second you could see the smallest glimpse of pity in her eyes “Look, you have to be available at all times, that's just how this line of work goes” 

“I know, I know.” You sighed and she started calling someone. 

“Chris, tonight, I sent you the location. Yeah, yes, bring him too. Yes, I know but I want him in the team, he’s skilled and right now it's what we need the most.” She looked at you before leaving the room. “Nine pm, don't be late.”

You gave her a small smile “Okay.” 

She kept the phone conversation on her way out and you sat on your desk, getting your own phone out. You opened the only chat you actually enjoyed opening. 

 “I can't make it today, work stuff :(

Srry Adri” 

He replied almost instantly. “No prob, tmr?” 

You weren't sure if you could, field work was unpredictable, dangerous even for the person that sat on the chair and monitored the actual team. “Yeah tmr :)” 

 You ended up staying, helping install everything into the new headquarters. As much as you wanted to go home and smoke you needed to be sober for this one.  Adrian had taken over your mind once again. It had almost been a week since that night and not only your body ached for him but your brain. You had started to miss him terribly, with all of you. It was an annoying kind of feeling and you tried to rub it away, tried to focus on work but his voice kept lingering in your head and you bit your lip remembering the taste of him.

Emilia showed up at nine, just as she said. You sat on your table, drinking some soda and waiting for the rest of the team. A girl came in, rushing, introduced herself as Leota Adebayo with a cheery smile and sat next to you on a chair.

You looked outside to the street, thinking that maybe it would be smart to put some more paper on that window because people passing by the library could perfectly see your desk.

“Where the fuck are them?” Emilia had her head down, scratching her forehead.

Leota looked up at you and glanced at the window you were staring at, frowning “They're outside”

“Yeah,” you said, tilting your head “why is the guy in blue pointing at me?” You recognized Peacemaker, he had been in a bunch of late night reports you did. He looked mad at the other guy, like if he was saying something stupid he couldn’t really understand. It was hard to really know the guy’s intentions, he pointed at you and seemed to be talking though you weren’t sure, you couldn’t see his mouth. You could see he was looking right at you though, felt his eyes on you. You raised your hand slowly and waved. He dropped his arm.

Emilia sighed “Forget him, he's a weirdo.” The both of them crossed the library´s door right after that. “Finally,”

“Yeah, sorry.” Peacemaker stepped into the room, feet heave on the wood. He frowned at you “You new right?”

You nodded slightly, giving him your name “Tech and communications.” You offered him your hand, he took it, shaking it just once with a hint of a smile.

“I´m Chris, that’s Vigilante, who will not be speaking today,” he looked to the other people in the room, “and who doesn’t want to be called by his real name.”

Leota huffed a laugh, raising her brows “And why is that?”

“I don’t know, weird Vigilante shit, you already know how this goes”

The guy in blue, Vigilante, took a pen and a small notepad, writing “I don’t trust new people” and showing it to all of you. When he looked at you he took the pen again and wrote something else “No offence” he showed it to you.

You smiled, “I don’t mind.”

“Okay, we haven’t got all night, let's start.” Emilia clapped her hands once and the sound echoed through the room. 

 You had to cancel Adrian the next day, then he said he couldn't see you the day after, and then the two days after that. You honestly were glad it was him who cancelled plans, you were starting to feel bad about letting him down. He stopped texting you as often as he did, which wasn't actually often at all. He only texted at night, dumb stuff like "do you think my legs know they are legs or do they think they are beings of its own?", you found it sweet and you tried to come up with the weirdest replies you could think of because it was fun to see him freak out and believe every word you texted. Your past few days had been what seemed like an eternal loop of waking up, going down to the office, eating lunch, telling Adrian you couldn't make it that night either, hang out with Vigilante until Emilia told everyone to go home and smoke yourself to sleep. Then repeat.

You got a text from Adrian right after Harcourt told you that you had to monitor the team from inside a minibus today. Adrian said "he was so so so so sorry but he had to work that night too" You sighed and started packing up the bus before leaving, making sure everything was in order. Vigilante was helping you.

He was good company, actually. He was funny and charming, really helpful, but you wished he would talk to you so you could get Adrian's voice out of your head for at least a minute. It was almost poetic, how the person you spent most of your time with couldn't give you what you yearned the most, noise. You were alone, had been for long, Adrian helped but his absence hurt more than the joy his company brought and Vigilante was with you at all times but he never spoke, did not utter a single word so the silence was almost burning you, acid pouring down your lungs that you so desperately tried to drown with music.

"Will you ever speak to me?" You put your headphones on your neck, looking at Vigilante from inside the bus. He looked up at you with his whole body, still for a second before shrugging and leaning down for a box "Like, I get it but, at some point I'm gonna have to hear you through the coms" It was so hard to read him, without his face and his voice he could be disgusted, mad, he could be mouthing curses on your name and you wouldn't know. He picked up his notepad.

"For ur own good"

You smiled "Fuck off," you got under one of the tables you had gotten into the bus, checking some wires. You couldn't see him. "Vig, to be honest, I'm here because I kind of have nothing to lose, that's like the whole point of ARGUS, to pick up lonely people and throw them on a ditch to die. I could be working for Amazon, if I had, I dunno, a wife and some kids with a pretty house and a golden retriever playing in the backyard." you unplugged one of the ports and plugged it somewhere else, then peaked your head off to look at him, still unreadable. "Come on, you don't need to tell me your entire life story, I just want to talk" Vigilante pointed at the notepad "That's actually the worst, you have so many spelling mistakes" He pulled his head away.

"fuck you!" he wrote.

You smiled, turning on all the computers.

"Are we ready to go?" Emilia knocked on the side of the bus.

"Yeah, all set."

 Emilia and Chris were inside the office building, looking. Vigilante and Leota were on a different floor. Chris spoke to Emilia and she replied in a lower tone. Leota talked to Vigilante but, of course, it wasn't an actual conversation since he never replied. It was quiet besides their low conversations through the coms, the building was abandoned and it was almost midnight so, not much going on. They were looking for an SD card that was supposed to be inside, fairly easy but, Emilia thought the place might be secured. It didn't look like, they had been looking for almost half an hour, speaking and not being especially careful.

Then you saw something move. Something that wasn't one of them.

"Vigilante, there is something moving towards you" you said into the mike. "It's pretty big, around the corner."

"I hear it" Leota's dot on your screen moved towards Vigilante's, "fuck it sounds disgusting" she whispered stopping next to him.

"What is it?" Harcourt was looking through a box, you could hear her digging.

Leota sighed and you could picture her squinting her eyes in your mind, "I don't know…"

You straightened your back, leaning into one of the screens, then looking at the one behind you, then in front of you again "Uh… guys there is something behind you, but I can't see it on the window cam, Vig go check it out" the line was dead silent "Vig?"

"He's going" You heard Leota.

You pressed your palms against your eyes, resting your head. "God this is impossible."

"Yeah, you tell me…" The dot around the corner moved slowly, too much, it was in and out of the screen as the motion detectors could not recognize it fully.  “Uh, what the hell is that thing? it smells worse than it sounds.”

You frowned “Smells?”

“Yeah, like a fucking… Like an expired box of milk with shit all over it, is fucking–” Leota got cut by the sound of wood breaking, really loud, coming from Vigilante´s line, his voice waves turning red on your computer as the breaking continued. To your right you could see on the monitor at least ten new dots appearing out of nowhere around Vigilante. The crashing stopped “What the fuck was that?” Leota screamed and the dot around the corner started moving faster.

“Adebayo on your right!” You heard gunshots and her´s and Vigilante´s voice waves went red.

Leota coughed right when the thing stopped moving and disappeared on your screen “Oh my God…” she sounded disgusted.

“The fuck was that?” Emilia started moving on the other screen.

“I don’t fucking know man!” Leota coughed again “Jesus what the fuck is this…”

Vigilante´s dot moved around the room, chased by the other things. He had taken some of them down but more seemed to appear out of nowhere. He had stopped shooting and you could hear the things scream in high pitched squeaks as he slayed them “Adebayo go help Vigilante, the big room down the hallway.” You tried to keep it calm, seeing how Vigilante´s dot slowed and a bunch of the things cornered him. There were so many. “Jesus fuck, all of you, go to the third floor, they need backup.”

“We need to find the card, they will be fine.” Emilia sounded so determined and cold minded it made you sick.

“Fuck!” Leota yelled “Fuck what the fuck,” she shot a bunch of times “Oh shit! What the fuck are these!”

Emilia moved up to another floor, followed by Chris “Hold whatever they are down there, we only have one floor left.”

“Dude there are so many!” All you could hear was Leota's panicked voice and the gunshots as she moved around the room. “Vigilante behind you!” There was a loud crash, a gunshot and a new crash, different, more like glass breaking. Then Vigilante was out of your screen.

Your brows twitched, staring at where his dot used to be “What the fuck happened?”

“They fell out the fucking window!” Adebayo yelled and shot two times, running off.

“What?” Emilia stopped. She sounded something close to concerned, nothing close to the annoyed tone you expected her to have.

You span on your chair, checking the street cams behind you. He was nowhere to be seen. “Vigilante and like three of those nasty-goo-looking things, they– Pushed him off and fell with him.”

“Is he okay?” Emilia and Chris moved around the last floor. She had that worried tone again and you spun back around.

You scratched your neck maybe a bit too hard “Vigilante, are you okay buddy?” the line was almost silent, Leota was using a knife now. “Fucking, speak you idiot” just silence. “Vigilante drop it!” you looked through every camera you could get into, every radar you could find, he had disappeared “I can't find him!”

You heard Emilia sigh, back to her coldness but, she swallowed before speaking “Leota can you look out the window he fell through?”

“No fucking way! I can't get back in there!” She wasn't exactly winning.

He had fallen off a third floor with three of those things. He was alone, hurt, with no guns, and he was stupid enough to keep going with the no talking rule. If he was even conscious. “Fuck,” you groaned against your hands, pressing them to your face. “Vigilante if you can hear me just tell me where the fuck you are, you insufferable little dick!” Nothing, absolutely nothing.

“Guys I don't think I can hold them off for too long” Adebayo sounded desperate.

“Peacemaker, get down and help her, I´ll find the fucking card”

You took your hands off your face “No, what the fuck Harcourt, what about Vig?”

“He'll be fine, we need this card”

Peacemaker started moving and soon enough he was fighting beside Leota “He needs you, come on” now you were the one to sound desperate.

“The card is more important” She was making you feel sick, all of them were. Vigilante´s so-called best friends.

You stared ahead letting the air out your lungs in something that was all but a laugh and you shook your head. “I'll get him myself.”

“No, we need you for visuals to get out.” You got up and opened a cabinet, taking one gun. Harcourt yelled your name “Stay, it's an order!”

You jumped off and started running “Ya´ll are shit friends”

You were parked in front of the office building so as soon as you got out and looked up you could see the window Vig had fallen off from. You ran, calling for his name. All you could see was a car with its roof squeezed down in the middle. Then you heard a scream. Something close to death.

You turned towards the sound and sprinted through the parking lot, looking everywhere, running through a maze of cars. A new scream, this time closer. You turned and shot.

The thing dropped dead on top of Vigilante and he groaned, something flipped inside you and you pushed whatever it was away, running to help your friend. “You okay?” He raised a thumbs up from under the thing and the closer you got the worse it smelled.

It looked like a human-like-goo, like a melted person with no legs and too many arms, hair poking in places it shouldn’t be, no head no nothing just a mix of terrible smelling gigantic smear bleeding all over. You pushed it off Vigilante and he stayed on the ground, unmoving. “Vig?” you stopped staring at the thing and crouched next to him “How are you, buddy?” You helped him rest his back on a car next to him and he raised both his thumbs before flinching and grabbing his side. You got on your knees in front of him, one leg on each side of his left thigh as you rested on your heels. “Fuck, did it bite you?” You looked back to the thing. “How the fuck did that bite you?” You felt his eyes on you as you put a hand to his side, felt his breathing hiss when you pressed your hand on his waist, his eyes not leaving you. He reached out, put a hand on your thigh and rested his head on your shoulder, breathing, finally resting. It was odd, how familiar that was. And he was touching you as if he had already done it a thousand times. You let him rest, wanted him to, for as long as he could. He must be so hurt, bleeding, maybe with some broken bones, probably hurt by the fact that it was you, someone who he had met that week, the only one that came to his rescue. You could still hear Chris and the others talk as they fought and they could probably hear you through Vigilante´s mike. He could hear how they hadn't asked if he was okay. “That's it bud, come on, let's get you out of here.” He looked at you again and then shook his head slowly, doing a gesture with his hands like saying it's okay, not even that big of a deal. You smiled down at him and stood up, offering him your hand. He took it and stood with a hand to his side.

It was so fucking dark you weren’t surprised you couldn’t find him in the cameras. The night was cold and not a single star could be spotted. You were almost at the van when Vigilante yanked at you, taking your wrist and pulling you behind him just in time for one of the things to jump to his head. “Fuck!” It was bigger than the other, with small hands all over it and a big circular mouth like one from a caterpillar. You pointed your gun at it but Vigilante was moving too much, punching the thing attached to his head. You saw it pull away, opening its mouth. It was going to launch at his face. It was going to rip his head off him in one bite. It was going to kill Vigilante.

You drowned a scream and threw yourself at it, making Vigilante trip and fall to his side. You groaned, punching the thing as hard as you could, grabbing it and pulling. Vigilante punched it too, he rolled more to his side and in the quickest movement he got his last knife out and stabbed the thing. It screamed like a person but there was no humanity in it, just wetness and pure pain. You grabbed it and threw it, stumbling to your feet and picking up your gun, shooting the fucking thing five times. You stood there for a second, weapon raised and chest heaving, staring at it until you heard Vigilante shifting on the pavement behind, sitting up. “You alright?” He nodded and you smiled. He was smiling too though that you couldn’t tell. “That was fucking close holy shit,” you sighed looking up “disgusting…”

Vigilante was sitting with his elbows holding his open legs by his knees, breathing fast and heavy. It was starting to worry you, his breathing. You turned to him, ready to get him to the van and take a good look at him, evaluate his state, when he snapped his head up, looking at something behind you.

 “Fuck! Shit, shit!”

You froze. Got out of breath. Looked around.

It couldn’t be.

Adrian couldn’t be around, that was impossible.

How did you, why? Where was he?

You heard him you were so fucking sure. You could recognize his voice anywhere. Even with one single word, a laugh, a groan.

Oh…

Your eyes landed on Vigilante, who was reaching for you, getting up as fast as he could and stretching a hand up to you to catch you. Fast, so, so fast. Though it wasn't fast at all. Not for you.

You heard him again and again and you thought about that feeling barely five minutes ago when he groaned. That thing that made you freeze just like now. That, that you pushed away. “Get on the ground!” He said so fast.

You couldn’t move. Not the first time you had heard his voice and not now. He was there, in front of you and you wanted to reach your hand to him but he was so far away and you weren’t fast enough. You wanted to say something but you just stared, out of breath, no air or blood in you, just him.

Adrian.

In front of you.

Adrian, Adrian, Adrian.

That sweet voice in your head.

It made sense now. Then, of course, after the loudest sound and the biggest yet shortest pain you had ever felt, it all went to black.

 The ringing just got worse and worse, your head throbbing. You tried to move, groaning as you felt the pavement under you, trying to catch your breath. You opened your eyes, probably. It was so dark, the streetlights blinding you. You let out another painful sound, this one was weaker. You turned your head, everything looked like it was slowly rotating, your head felt so full you thought it would blow up. Your eyes focused on one thing. He was beside you, unmoving, if you tried you could reach for him and touch him. You couldn’t move, it was unbearable, every inch of your body was burning. “Vig…” It came out as a breath and then you closed your eyes. The pain didn’t stop.

Next thing something was touching you, something like a hand but it was rough. Felt like it was scratching your skin though it was tender, a careful but painful touch. You wanted to cry but you couldn’t even move. You waited for the darkness to take you again, for it to take all the pain away. You heard a choked-up sound. One you never heard before but knew well who it was from. Why was he here?

 “Dude, you need to get checked out,” that was the next thing you heard. Your head was burning from the inside and your limbs felt dead, heavy and bloodless. The pain wasn’t as strong anymore, you were on something comfortable and there was a good scent in the air.

“I need to stay here.” Now you could feel your chest again. Breathe.

Adrian.

“You are still bleeding!” Bleeding? Why was Adrian bleeding? Where were you? Was he okay? “Just get that off and let me—” You tried to move.

“No, get off me!” Who was doing that? Was he hurting? Someone was hurting him. You tried so hard to open your eyes but they weighed too much. “Don't touch me.” You could only think of getting up and protecting him. He sounded just so wrong.

You let out a sound and they both shut up. A hand touched you, softer this time, skin to skin. You tried to move again, itching to see if Adrian was okay. Needing his voice again. You reached out for the hand, grabbing it´s fingers the best way you could. The silence was killing you. Was Adrian really there or were you just hallucinating his voice? You could hear a heavy breathing, it sounded painful. 

"What happened?" your voice was hoarse, felt so sore and low. It was painful to speak but you still couldn't open your eyes. 

There was silence, the hand moved but you tighten your grip. "You got blown up." Someone said. Chris. "Both you and Vig, though I think you absorbed most of it." 

It all came back in waves. You were going out to save him, shooting those things. "Where is he? Is he okay?" 

Chris coughed "Yeah, he's right here" 

You fought your eyes open and he was the first thing you saw. Mask still on, sitting next to you, with a glob less hand on your arm. You were in one of the library rooms, it was night still and they had laid you on a big couch. Adrian wasn't there. 

"You okay?" Vigilante nodded, moving a bit on the chair he was sitting on. You smiled at him "good, good…" you looked at Chris "What happened?" 

He frowned "What do you mean? I just told you" 

"Mh, I forgot." 

"You both got blown up," 

You raised your eyebrows "Oh, that seems about right" you spoke slowly, your voice not feeling quite yours. 

"We were looking for the SD card, remember?" Chris sounded soft, you had no idea he could sound soothing like that. It wasn't too much but it was just enough to not make your headache worse. 

You nodded "Yeah, yeah, 'd you find it?" 

"Yeah…" he sighed, looking at Vigilante "Yeah we did" You closed your eyes. 

"I'm glad" There was silence again, the slight ringing in your ears being the only thing you could hear, you were tired. You felt alone again. "Chris?" Something moved and you opened your eyes. 

Vigilante had his head on your leg, resting but not all the way asleep, your whisper could not have been enough to wake him up. He raised slowly and looked down at you. "Don't you wanna go take that off?" He shook his head. You hummed and looked around. It was still dark outside, the room had less artificial light, only one dim lamp with an orange bulb and a light on a room down the hallway. Vigilante was looking at you with his head tilted. "Go on, lay back down, I don't mind" You tried to smile at him and he slowly lowered his head. 

The hand he had on top of you moved, down to your stomach, creeping his fingers into your shirt and rubbing slowly. You put a hand over his, the right one this time, and let the other rest down on top of his head. 

Then it would have been the time for tears, though they never came. Your body wasn't in pain anymore, not how it had been, and Vigilante's hand was soothing, felt like he was under your skin. Everything felt distant. You craved noise. 

"You know," you started, looking out the window into nothing, your voice low and foggy, just quiet enough to distract you from the ringing and still keep the peace "I had the weirdest dream" Vigilante moved to look up at you, his head not leaving your leg "I can't remember what it was about, it was like, dark? But I remember hearing a voice. One from someone who I really care for" you breathed a laugh, you never expected those words coming out of you "And I thought he was here, though that's just stupid" Vigilante moved a bit again, you felt him. “I just wish he was,” maybe you could get your phone, call him and tell him that something had blown up on your face and to please, please, please take his car in the middle of a weeknight and come over to the secret headquarters you were working in just so you could have someone to talk with because your only friend just didn't speak. Utterly ridiculous. 

“I´m really sorry,” you said and Vig tilted his head up again “I should have moved when you told me, we wouldn't be like this.” He shook his head. “I just… I don't know what happened, I swear I have good reflexes I don´t know what the fuck—happened?” You swallowed “I froze up, I dunno why I just… We killed that thing and I thought it was over and then,” you frowned, shutting your mouth “you…” You looked at Vigilante, he was pulling away, sitting straight, “you told me…” you breathed out, unable to move your gaze away, your brows twitched upwards at the memory “Adrian?” and it made sense.

He remained silent, motionless, all his touch gone. You sat up, letting out a small painful sound and he reached before pulling away again. You looked at him, lips pressed together as your hands made its way to his head, gripping at the mask. He looked down, you could see his eyes through the visor. He put his hands on your wrists, barely squeezing, to stop you. “Please,” you heard him swallow and he shook his head once. “Please, Vig,” You weren't crying, you wished you were but your voice didn't tremble, you just whispered, trying to get as close as you could without whimpering in pain. Vigilante let go of your wrists, brushing his thumbs against your arms. You slowly pulled the mask off, his hair getting all messed. He looked down, to his hands on his lap and the silence took over the room, filling and all blue. You gave him his mask and he gripped at it, clenching his jaw with the deepest frown as he stared down at it. 

"Oh…" You hated seeing him like this, bruised and bloody, lip curled up. You took his face in your hands and he let out a choked-up noise, deepening his head further in between his shoulders. 

"I'm sorry," his sound was all wet, in a hushed cry. He couldn't look at you, sinking himself as you brushed your thumbs under his eyes, leaning close. 

You lowered your head, trying to catch his glance "No, no don't apologise," he burned under your skin, melting "Adrian, love," he finally looked up, he was frightened, teary, mouth gaped open, then closed, lips melting into each other as he lost the visual contact again, only his eyes moving. You took a good look at his face. It looked so different from what you remembered, lines in his forehead instead of his cheeks, bruises on his jaw, cuts on his head, blood dripping down slowly, eyes black and tired. 

"It was really dumb I…" You wanted to tell him it really wasn't, that you understood, but you feared that if you interrupted him he'll never utter another word again "At first I thought it would be awkward for you, but then I was scared—" he swallowed "And I wanted to tell you, I just, didn't know how and, and I was scared you would hate me because I," he looked up and you saw him fighting to keep the eye contact "I like, really like you and," he lost his battle, biting his lip before letting it go "and I know it probably meant nothing to you but I…" back up again, "yeah," he sighed "I'm really sorry" he lost his track, you understood him. 

You pulled his face a bit closer, "Adrian it meant the World to me," he tightened, doe eyed "your… voice, it hasn't left my mind ever since I first heard it," now it was you who had to look away, hesitating with your words, with too much to say "you haven't left my mind," your fingers stroked him gently "you are ethereal hope, like… golden soothing rays, you have a grip on me." 

He leaned in, mouth first, landing less than an inch away from yours, doubtful breath warmed your lips, his hands made their way to your jaw and then he melted into your fire, as if he was made of wax. 

He was so sweet, tasted just as he had the first time, felt a thousand times deeper. He was careful, breathing in between short wet kisses, he put his entire body in them, sighing every time he opened his mouth to softly kiss you again. Your hands lay at the back of his head and he drank you all. 

You buried yourself in him at some point, holding onto the armour still around him. He held you carefully, kissing the thin cloth over your shoulder. 

"You saved me," he said as if he had just realised it. 

"You saved me" you felt him smile. 

He fell silent for a second "Ethereal hope?" You smiled. His voice was thin. 

"Yeah," 

"That's beautiful," you hummed, pulling even closer "golden soothing rays?" you nodded "I'm going to get that tattooed," he kissed the back of your shoulder and you breathed a laugh through your nose "you should be a writer"

"I wanted to," your voice was starting to give in "when I was younger"

He tilted his head to your neck, air warming you up as he spoke "Why didn't you?" You pulled away to look at him. 

"Didn't have the right inspiration" 

[randombubblegum]

I find it,,,,, interesting in a disappointing way but entirely predictable that hes branding this new album as a "classic parx album!!!1!!1!" When this honestly sounds nothing like parx at all imo. Like even new, crappier parx has a specific sound/vibe to it where i can immediately recognize that its parx but this new clip honestly sounds like it could have been cooked up in a windowless board room for mgk (🤮) or new avril or m*d sun or one of the tiktok boybot "musicians"........ Like if it came on w/o me knowing who it was id probably recognize his voice after a while hut there would be quite a but of hesitation.

And im wondering, does he really get that virality (especially of the tiktok variety) just,,, doesn't last?? For the vast majority of people at least. Like even if you go viral in a huge way (not something thats going to happen for parx tbh) you're the hot new thing for a few weeks at most and then the internet moves on, thats just how it works. And the ones who really DO get their "careers launched!!!" or otherwise boosted off of internet fame are always the ones w large expensive support systems already in place. im talking like olivia rodrigo whos a disney child star, mgk or willow who have been established artists for a while, jaden w an x or whoever who was already rich and viral before he started "making music" and immediately got picked up by travis barker. Like sure there are regular ppl musicians that got big from tiktok like penelope scott or mxmtoon but they're not nearly as big as the other ones.

So like,,,, even if that somehow did happen for parx it really wouldn't be a huge win!!! You get dedicated fans who show up to concerts by actually WRITING GOOD MUSIC, not sound bites. Sorry for the essay, ik its all been saud before im just long winded and frustrated lol

YEAHHHH YEP you make a lot of great points here and i agree w you LOL. i dont hate the music for this song or anything but it definitely also reads to me as that same “made in a lab” pop punk theyre churning our now for radio. its interesting because that new pop punk and the pop punk of the 00s (and pre-2018 10s) actually sounds super different. this new stuff is way more polished and synthy and electronic and THATS what this parx song sounds like. again i dont hate it and it could be catchy and ill wait to judge it when its fully out but thats the vibe i get

and thats the thing: he DOESNT seem to get that!!!!! hes staking HIS WHOLE CAREER his fate and the fates of his friends and bandmates on landing a viral tiktok hit WHICH MIGHT I REMIND THE AUDIENCE HE ALREADY FAILED TO DO WITH ONE ALBUM and not only is it not guaranteed its gonna get him nowhere near what he thinks. he thinks hes gonna get a viral tiktok audio and be lil nas x. no dude. songs on tiktok go viral all the time and only last a couple weeks. they go viral and their creators/artists dont get lasting recognition AT ALL. sure itll drive your streaming numbers up for a while!!! but those ppl are not sticking around after the hype wears off. ESPECIALLY if all your recent catalogue is bland empty cardboard lyrics you clearly designed for tiktok virality. why the hell would they want to stick around for that???? being lucky enough to score a viral tiktok song is not about to make you the next doja cat. and you literally have not even managed to go viral yet. stop basing your ENTIRE artistry and direction around this idea!!!!!!!!!!

[noxiatoxia]

hello noxia toxia its me again

so i was thinking about hikakao cuddling (as i always am, due to the fact i am insane) and i really like the idea of them snuggling post canon, like as adults

like maybe theyre home from college for a break and they dont see each other very often bc theyre busy and go to different colleges so they missed each other a lot. i imagine they call and catch up super often when school is in, maybe even just silently do schoolwork together on call so they can have company, but it just isnt the same sometimes yk

so when they see each other again theyre really clingy with each other, and even though they think its probably a little silly to be cuddling again after everything, theyre too exited about being together again to care. so they snuggle in bed and watch movies or a show or something, talking and catching up, real cozy...and then they fall asleep like that snuggled up together (actually writing a fic similar to this concept atm lol)

or maybe well after college, one of them (either of them could be either role but im gonna say hikaru for this so itll be easier to write) gets some sad news or something bad, nothing super tragic just something that makes him not want to be alone. so he calls kaoru like 'kaofruuuuruuuuuu can u come over i want company pls:(' and of course kaorus there within minutes. seconds even. if there was traffic hed literally just take his private helicopter and fly over there instead even if its like less than a mile away like the rich dude he is. anyway hes there and he hugs hikaru and keeps him company, letting him vent and cry on his shoulder and all that. hikaru gets really tired from all the emotion, and hes snuggled really close to kaoru for comfort, so he just falls asleep there. and kaoru doesnt want to disturb him, so he keeps holding him and just sleeps kinda awkwardly and in his clothes so he wont wake hikaru. and even long after he wakes up the next morning he lets him sleep for however long he needs to just because he knows he needs it. im so sane and normal about them i am i am (foams at the mouth)

im so sorry this is so long i was just rambling, i literally have so many of these

NO ANON I LOVE YOUR RAMBLES PLEEEEEASE ALWAYS SEND THEM TO ME PLEASE I HUNGER FOR HIKAKAO FOREVER AND ALWAYS

anyways i LOVE THISSSSS I need to write my own hikakao college au <- so much angst potential. The idea of hikaru and kaoru going to different colleges, while not super realistic (?) in my head, is SO cute when they finally reunite... I can see though them often having to split up bc work is so busy in their adult life, and getting thru their catalogue would take ages if they worked side-by-side so to get thru it faster and more efficiently, they have to work by themselves... so Hikaru may be out in Spain and Kaoru is in America.

Which makes, like you said, their reunions so heartfelt...

I mean, same guys who do this. Of COURSE they're gonna be dramatic after a WEEK of not seeing each other.

After a week of not seeing each other (because lets be real, they would be meeting EVERY weekened no matter where or what. Kaoru is in England? Hikaru is in Australia? Doesnt matter! One of them is flying over on a private jet gdi) they would smother each other in hugs and maybe even a kiss on the cheek if im bold to say and they'd just... cuddle. Talk and goof around like they were in middle school again, bc really, they're immature brats at heart.

(Btw?? I'd LOVE to read your fic!!!! I'm sure it'd be so cute!!)

If something happened while they were separated you bet your ass the other would be there in a heartbeat. Doesn't matter if Kaoru is in the middle of a Super Important Business meeting in America, he'll fly his ass home to Japan later that night to comfort Hikaru.

Your prompt also reminded me of a similar idea i had, about how they deal with each other getting nightmares... tbh I don't think Hikaru dreams often; Kaoru is the one who dreams almost every night (and talks in his sleep). And I think Kaoru used to get nightmares a lot as a kid, to which Hikaru would feverishly calm him down (he had a nightmare once about that fucked up scene in Cinderella 3 with the corrupted pumpkin carriage and the humanized Lucifer... iykyk)

But as they got older, Kaoru never really... stopped getting nightmares? He just got better at hiding them. In highschool, he'd wake up in cold sweats sometimes from really vivid dreams. No longer are they childish fears about a scene in a movie or being chased by a monster. His dreams focus on him losing his friends, his brother; people in his life leaving him. Things he worries about in his waking life; things he believes are going to happen one day. Except, in his nightmares, they happen in the worst ways possible.

He doesn't tell Hikaru about it, usually. Not because he thinks Hikaru would make fun of him or something, but because he doesn't want Hikaru to worry. He only wants Hikaru to be happy. He wants Hikaru to be free and live his full potential - if Kaoru told him he had nightmares about Hikaru leaving him, what would that make Hikaru do? Stick even closer by him. And that's the exact opposite of what Kaoru wants. So, he says nothing, pretends nothing happened as he uneasily falls back asleep, hoping he'll forget what he dreamed about...

And though he doesn't tell Hikaru, Hikaru sort of knows. Not the full extent of course, but... Kaoru can get pretty loud in his sleep. He doesn't toss and turn much (that's Hikaru's thing) but he speaks, and it can be loud and frequent. Usually, it's funny things Hikaru will tease him about if he happens to overhear it; nonsensical silly shit like "Please don't eat us, Usa-chan!" murmured sleepily and Hikaru will have to hold back a giggle to not wake him up. But then sometimes it's not so funny. They're very clear, scared pleas. In his asleep state, they're barely intelligible, too. Just whispers of "Please don't go" "I'm sorry" and "I don't want to be alone". Sometimes he sounds like he's going to cry. Sometimes he looks like he's going to cry. And that's what really scares Hikaru the most. He doesn't say anything, either - he doesn't know how to - but he always holds Kaoru in his arms close to his chest when he hears him make these noises, and soon enough, Kaoru will go quiet and resume a relatively peaceful sleep.

They'll talk about it someday... just not right now.

...I'm totally normal about them too, anon. I promise. I promise.

[snickiebear]

Hi bby! 1, 2, 3, 6, 16, 27, 29, 33, 35! 🖤

mittens!!! loml!!

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

oh goodness... um, i’d say a 4?? yeah, that sounds about right, only because i often make so many tense mistakes and even when i edit there’s always something to fix. and just,,, im still learning a lot (aren’t we all). plus, sometimes the stuff i put out needs so much more work (see: my recent shisaku fic... i want to tear it up and put it back together.. ugh.. also wt&r, just everything)

2. Why do you write fanfiction?

OH GOODIE! i just... well, i wrote a lot when i was twelve-fourteenish, then kind of on and off through the years. never really had anything to ground me and get me to take writing seriously. and then i found naruto and sakura who has so much unused potential and it just made me so angry to see her treated that way. 

point being, the naruto fandom (more specifically the sakura fandom) rooted me down and allowed me be able to grow as a writer even though i’ve only been posting since january my writing style has changed so much, and i can physically feel myself becoming a better writer. 

plus, i just love it. the thrill of being able to use these characters and pairings and do what i want with them?? i drink it up, i love it!!! its so freeing and such a great way to really dig deep within writing itself. 

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

i think its just the way i word things, you and a lot of others call it poetry but meh i just call it fancy words or word vomit from my brain AHAHHAHA

also, my thing is God Killers, God Eaters, and Angry Wrathful Women at this point, so maybe thats another thing?

but honestly,,, i have no clue... you’d have to ask my lovely readers, im so thankful for them 😭

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily?

plot probably. this changes often though. usually when i have an idea, the rest comes to mind and i jot it down and come back and change things and stuff, so thats usually pretty easy tbh... at least for now LMAO

and inner dialogue, inner struggles, showing the entire internal thing. its fun writing that angsty part of a story, the small insights into a character’s mind, how miserable and alone they feel. or, perhaps how happy they are, overjoyed and at peace. 

OH AND WORLD BUILDING. i pride myself so much on my world building. i honestly think thats one of the better things im good at! just weaving small details into the text, and subtly building a world within your mind, oh i love it so much!!!!

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

mmmm nothing really comes to mind? men simping for women who could kick their ass? tho idk if thats really a guilty pleasure....am very fond of same age aus, sometimes mafia aus too... ummm,, yeah

(probably big dick tenzo tbh... and the fact that kakashi’s face is a legal weapon AHAHAHA,,, and broken, vunreble men. also, shattered, all consuming women.)

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

oh god... i cannot chose! you, ele, al, and hika leave the kindest comments, and literally any comment on the things i write just make me so so so so so HAPPY. i just them more than kudos tbh. 

but! one comment on the intimacy of being understood i always come back to. it was left by GuardianMars and they wrote that the fic was like a “love letter to the pairing.” and that well. i think about that comment all the time. 

there have been so many others comments that have utterly touched my heart and that i will go to read on terrible, horrible days and i value ALL comments. especially those who say “i’m rereading this again” or “i’ll read anything you put out” that just. there is something so intimate about that, that utter faith and loyalty that i do not know what to do with. 

its so touching and makes me truly believe in the good of the world. 

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

yes! i am attempting to get better at writing smut because ol&w is going to have some fucking in it so i experimented in that shisaku fic and just..... yeah idk man. idk... its something i do want to get better at cause, meh why not? and i want to write some good porn for my readers damnit! HAHAHA 

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

hmmm,,, probably that i stress so much and yet so little at the same time? allow me to elaborate! i stress so much about whether my writing is actually good or if people are just being nice LMAO and also posting, i get cold sweats and a thumping heart and yiKES

but also, i enjoy writing so its like “fuck you (jk ily guys) imma write what i wanna!”...do you see my issue? HAHAHA

also, im a planner. most of the time, and a lot of the details in my more serious fics (ol&w) are blink and miss details but they’re important and i LOVE foreshadowing!!!! like yes, i will vaguely mention something and itll simply come back with a vengeance! 

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

aaaaaa okokok thank you for this ask LMAO i just love talking about writing and rambling (as i often do,, im a long winded person, im very sorry)! 

but anyways! my summer semester just started up and i’m taking three purely online classes and the college im attending (im a dual enrollment student; meaning a high school and college kid,, taking advantage of the system!) fucked up my schedule so! im taking two TWELVE WEEK CLASSES that will end in AUGUST???? and then my fall sem starts five days later so... no summer break for nadia! yay...

writing will be very slow and updates will be too, which i am so sad and frustrated about because i’ve finally hit a paved road and now we’re driving into the forest! all bumps and bruises damnit! BUT worry not! i (as i said above, am i severe planner. every day has a plan, i am also an avid lover of lists also. i have lists for EVERYTHING) am working out a schedule so that i can get all my school shit done as soon as i can (while not failing) and write while hopefully not burning myself out.  

ol&w is such an intricate fic and im truly trying to give it the justice it deserves,,, im just hoping that my dear readers can bear with me HAHAHAHA there is honestly so much going on in that fic; shikamaru’s development, the underlying plot, the hate to love build up, the world building, and then laying down the foundations for the next fic (because yes, this is supposed to be a trilogy.. question is; will i be able to write it?) (answer: maybe. hopefully. i desperately want to but it might take some time.)

BUT ASLO i have so many oneshots i want to write! kisame week! kakashi week! kibasaku long fic! and not to mention my og work that i plan on rewriting and putting up on ao3 because a few people showed some interest. there is just so much to do and write and i am itching to do it all! but. well, but school, and the exhaustion of insomnia, and the weight of stress, sigh. 

shit sucks, it is what it is. but writing is like my safe haven and i just love pouring all myself into my fics and then baring my soul to you all and you take a peek and decide to keep looking. that is my favorite part of this little pocket of tumblr. 

this was not really... fic related? more like a dump of issues! so sorry about that AHAHAHAH 

anyways! thank you so much mittens! :)))))))))

pick my brain!

[tylerwritez]

TUESDAY JULY 13 10:42 A.M.

JUDE IS BACK FROM HIS HIATUS!!!!

One thing I think I will no longer be doing is writing down negative feelings and thoughts and... leaving them there. No. Next time I vent, I delete it right after.

If you want something to be sad over, you'll find something. But if you GENUINELY ATTEMPT to be happy, you will be.

So try harder.

Also, my new phone background is a collage thing of me and my friends at Rebecca's house.

I originally did it as this cool way to remember my besties XD but now it also kinda helps my #SelfEsteem because whenever I think my face is ugly, I look at my phone background and I'm like "that's what you look like, no filter, nothing" and it makes me happier because in that background image I just see a boy being stupid with his friends and I sorta smile like "yeah, that IS what I look like, no filter"

I like it cos, those pictures were taken without me doing anyhting to try and look better, so I KNOW that's like. How I REALLY look. And tbh? Not that bad.

I don't even really mind my smile lines anymore. Cos they're from SMILING!!! means I'm a happy guy.

ALSO I THINK I PASS IN MY BACKGROUND? because I'm that kinda of ugly that says "male" yk, especially next to my friends who are girls/nonbinary I just seem so Boy idk its gender... the photo set is very Gender for my face XDDD THIS IS REALLY STUPID

oh well. Positivity only now, babes.

Also! You may have noticed my HIATUs from posting!!! Yeah, I'll still post, and I'll update y'all on my life... but NOT DAILY... I don't really have the time for that.

I'll do it maybe whenever I feel like, but I'll try and stick to weekly, biweekly, idk, whenever I feel like I should talk about my life, whenever things happen.

Right now I'm actually on a roadtrip!!!

We just spent a day on all the amusement park rides at the Calgary Stampede!! It was AWESOME.

Also we have spent time in #nature and I'm COLLECTING! ROCKS! >:) THEY ARE WAY COOLER OUTSIDE MY HOMETOWN JUST SAYING...

Maybe I'll find a hagstone.

So far no, I've only found cool stripey ones but no hagstones.

Maybe I'm not meant to find a hagstone. Maybe whatever gives me my good luck is protection enough.

ACTUALLY, ON THAT NOTE, I HAVEN'T STOLEN ANYTHING FOR THIS WHOLE TRIP... SO LIKE 1 OR 2 WEEKS. WHICH IS CRAZY!!! PROUD OF MYSELF :)

ALSO I HAVEN'T CUT MYSELF FOR LIKE A MONTH MAYBE(?) WHICH IS SO WOW.

see? I can totally do this! You'll see.

Lately I haven't been stressing AT ALL. like. So much happiness and fun, out on my roadtripppp!

I have had a few stressors.... but like. I've done my best to push them aside, because I know it'll be better not to think about them.

Like, I'm starting to think all my unhappiness cOMES FROM THINKING ABOUT MY STRESSORS TOO MUCH... OVERTHINKING.

However, if I tell myself "don't worry, you'll find a way, you always do" and then try n forget, I'm so much happier.

Here are my current #stressors... since everyone loves some drama (I'm listing em)

1. I MIGHT LOSE MY VIRGINITY UHHHH AND IM NERVOUS AND IDK IF I SHOULD OR WHAT ITLL  FEEL LIKE OR IF I SHOULD WAIT.... AAAAAAAA IDK ITS KINDA SCARY COS WHAT IF IT HURTS A LOT... WHAT IF IT FUCKS ME UP. IDK. I KNOW NOTHING.

2. MY STEALING + CUTTING ISSUES... LIKE. I'M ADDICTED???? AND OFC IM HAPPY I MANAGE TO GET BY WITHOUT IT BUT SOMETIMES ITS VERY HARD. TO RESIST. YOUR URGES.

man if that god guy is real I bet hes happy with me (or I guess god can be a girl, or nonbinary, or maybe is not male but still uses he/him, or maybe DOESNT use he him pronouns and we are fuckig it up???? Idk I will just say "he")

(I doubt god has a gender tho lol. He made man and woman in his image yeah? So then.... uh.... he would be intersex(?)

Personally I think god has No genitals at all and No gender either. But then again, I dont even believe in a god...)

ALL IM SAYING IS. IF GOD WAS REAL. THEY WOULD PROBABLY BE PLEASED THAT I AM. RESISTING SIN? SO WELL.

... cos cutting yourself IS a sin....

That used to upset me so much dude. I read this bible passage... and it would be CONSTANTLY referenced. Your body is a temple. Its sinful to harm your body. Its sinful to use drugs, is what they said at school, but like. What about other types of intentional harm? Sin. Sinful.

I used to be so invested in that Catholicism shit, man. And afterward, after I. Did the cutting. I'd be covered in half dried sticky blood. I'd smell the metallic smell so strongly.... because I bled out A LOT... its incredible to me honeslty, how such minor styros and occasional light fat cuts can gush out so MUCH blood. It's a lot. It's more than you'd expect from a little cut. The cuts pool up with blood and then overflow.

It trickles down your legs.

But I'd be patching myself up afterward (basically tryna clean the blood, stop the bleeding, make sure I didnt bleed out onto my sheets and dirty them in my sleep... make sure I didnt leave evidence) and I'd think to myself "this is a sin, I am a sinner..."

Ofc my stupid ass was constantly begging for forgiveness, praying, reading the bible, blah blah, please I just wanna serve you, please help me, please...

What a pathetic state to be in most of my junior high years HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD XDDDDD LMAOOOO LMFAOOOOOO ROFLLLLL

like. I had a corner of the school I used SPECIFICALLY to cry.

How sad...

BUT NOW IM IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!! AND I AM PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE

0 CRYING SPOTS

MANY MAKING OUT SPOTS

like woah its almost like. I dont have to suffer at all.

I'm winning now.

W. What was I talking about before I started rambling. Idk. I forget. Oh well.

POSITIVITY ONLY BABES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ILL KEEP YALL UPDATED I SWEAR

SIGNING OFF,

JUDE SHEPARD