#anytime i do anything stupid because of Reason i have to fake cry into my hand and go “god raii you’re such a fruit” by law

[nazumichi]

if someone could yell at me every wednesday to take the bus and NOT walk instead that would be so

[ratwife77]

Soda angst because I was called to do this?

idk what warnings there are for this but this is kind of just his anxiety building and stuff.. just be careful reading

ao3 link

I don’t know how to describe it. After work, I’d been going home, hitching a ride with Steve. The usual, but what was different? Tensions had been high with Darry and Pony, and I guess work had been busy.. But there was no reason for my hands to be shaking, or for my breath coming up short. It was stupid for me to feel so tense. Whenever I took in a breath, it wasn’t enough, and I was beginning to feel dizzy. I don’t know how to explain it, but I kind of felt floaty too, like the one time I’d been drunk. Not quite there, y’know? It was a bad cycle, freaking out more over the trouble I was having breathing, seeming to get worse. Steve gave me a strange look, opened his mouth to ask, but he seemed to not have thought before he did it. He didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t either. But he tried, because he knew something was deeply wrong. “Soda.. are you.. okay?”

Steve was my safe place, but I didn’t want to drop it all on him. I wouldn’t, I decided. I nodded, sure that I couldn’t fake it if my voice was wobbling. Knowing I was faking, he didn’t say anything for a moment. “You don’t have to tell me. Just.. you’re acting weird.” Nervously, he looked at me and back at the road. His eyebrows came together and his whole face scrunched with a concern that made my stomach hurt. Tapping the steering wheel with his pointer finger, he made a wrong turn. Quickly, I realized that he probably shouldn’t have been driving- don’t get me wrong, he was the best in the gang, but he wasn’t focused. I didn’t want to get in an auto wreck like my parents did. My head was foggy, but not enough to not feel the danger in that. “Pull over, Steve.” My voice was quieter and shakier than I would’ve liked, but it came. It made me feel like a little kid again, tiny.

In seconds, he’d pulled over.

“I.. um.. I’m not..” The words weren’t coming, and I realized my hands were sweaty and tremblin’, showing my nerves to the world. Damn. Desperately, I tried to wipe them off. “I can’t.. breathe right.” I felt my throat getting tight, pressure building too high. Couldn’t swallow, and I knew what was coming. I made a strange sound, then I was rocked forward, sobbing. Why? Why was I even doing that? Everything was fine. Steve looked beyond nervous, unsure, but then his features morphed to something more calm, confident. Probably an act, but it made me feel a bit better. He didn’t know what the hell to say, and I sure didn’t either. Suddenly, his hand went to my back, and he slowly rubbed it. He wasn’t one for affection, or touching at all, but he was comforting then. After considering for a second, he slowly pulled me into a hug, and I was crying on his shoulder. I’m not sure how long it lasted, but I came off of whatever it was eventually, and I whispered a quiet but genuine, “Thank you.”

Steve, trying to make light of the moment and calm me down, said, “Anytime.. but next time, you’ll have to pay me.. I’m thinking of starting a business for crying on my shoulder.” Shakily, I let out a laugh, but it turned into a cackle, and we both laughed until we didn’t know what it was about anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

honestly guys idk if this is in character, Soda isn’t really my favorite so I haven’t really got a firm grasp on his character

[interestinglittlerelationship]

We Should Kiss Like Real People Do

It’s finally time! This was so much fun! @jatpfebfanfest

This is for @princessmuk

“Wait, wait, wait, explain this to me again?” Julie says, tilting her head at him in confusion.

“Aragagh,” Alex groans, “I’ve explained it twice already,” he tilts his head at her, “Shouldn’t you know all about this, already? Willie is basically your brother.”  

Julie flings herself down next to him, “I know about the stupid family reunion thing, yeah, but why are you going?”

“Because Willie doesn’t want to go alone,” Alex supplies.

“Right, but…” and then she seems to stop herself, “You know what? Never mind. So, Willie asked you to be his fake boyfriend, and you said yes?”

Alex face plants into Julie’s pile of pillows, “Yes,” he mutters. This does nothing to block out the sound of Julie’s giggles, “I hate you,” he adds, rolling over and hugging a pillow to his chest.

After a moment he feels Julie’s arm press up against his side, “I’m sorry, Lexi,” she says seriously, “this is just a situation so ridiculous only you could have managed to end up in it.”

“Thanks, that just make me feel loads better.” 

Julie sighs, “It’s really going to be okay, Alex.”

“You think? Because I think I’m gonna get my heart broken.”

“I’m fairly confident that’s not going to happen, besides you already said yes,” she points out.

“I know,” he whispers.

“So, what are you going to do?”

And that’s the thing, isn’t it? There’s nothing he can do. Willie is his best friend and he needs help. Alex has to do this even if it destroys him, “I’m going to be Willie’s fake boyfriend.”

The time of his demise is delayed slightly by the fact this “favor” Willie asked him for is actually a week away. For someone with a normally functioning brain that might be a good thing, but Alex is far too anxious, and simply comes up with ten new ways it could go horribly wrong with each passing day.

His friends are unsurprisingly the opposite of helpful. Bobby straight up laughs in his face when he finds out, pats him on the shoulder, and says, “Good luck with that.” Reggie gets really excited and insists that this is the start of Alex’s very own rom-com, and then goes on a long-winded tangent about movies where the two main characters start fake dating and end up falling in actual love. Luke, at least, seems properly sympathetic but offers exactly zero practical advice.

Willie, for his part seems remarkably unconcerned about the many possible ramifications of this deal of theirs. Then again, Willie seems remarkably unconcerned about most things. It’s part of the reason Alex likes him so much, Willie balances him out somehow. Calms the whirlwind in his brain.

Willie is holding his hand.

Honestly, he’s having a hard time focusing on anything other than that fact. And he knows it’s for show, that they’re walking up Willie’s uncle’s driveway and someone might see, but none of that matters because Willie is holding his hand.

“This is going to be easy. You already know everything about me and they know practically nothing. You probably won’t even have to lie that much,” Willie is saying and Alex is nodding like a bobble head even though he’s only half listening, “Besides,” Willie adds, “it’s only for the day anyway.”

And that snaps Alex right back to reality. Because tomorrow he’s going to have to go back to pretending like he isn’t in love with his best friend. And he’s going to have to pretend like that fact isn’t slowly killing him. And none of this is real and Alex sort of wants to cry.

Instead, he says, “Right, no big deal.”

Willie yanks them to a stop on the bottom step, tugging his lip between his teeth for a second, “Seriously, Lexi, thank you for doing this.” And then he does the most unbelievable thing and reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind Alex’s ear. It does absolutely nothing since his hair is not actually long enough to stay put, but Alex melts anyway.

“Hey,” he says, squeezing Willie’s hand, “anytime.”

Willie blushes, “Yeah,” he breathes, turning away, “um, ready to do this?”

Alex shrugs, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

As Willie introduces him around, Alex starts to relax. Really, pretending to be Willie’s boyfriend is not nearly as hard as he thought it would be. They hold hands and when anyone asks how they met, they tell the truth, “We were friends first.” Willie calls him truly ridiculous pet names like, “Hotdog” and “Honeyboo” which make some of his aunts coo at them.

Willie had basically said that he didn’t want to go to this party alone because all his relatives were awful, but that he’d only be allowed to bring someone if they were dating.

And yeah, Willie’s aunts and uncles are all a little distant and awkward, but seems mostly unbothered by their snubs.

His cousins, on the other hand are admittedly sort of awful, the kind of spoiled rich kids who think their money entitles them to look down on everyone else, but they pretty much leave the two of them alone too.

Willie’s mom had been the black sheep of the family, a free-spirit artist, who had run off with Willie’s dad right out of high school. Willie had never seen his mom’s family growing up, but after she and his dad died in a car accident, his attendance at these yearly reunions had become mandatory out of some twisted sense of duty or something. The rest of the year, Willie lives with his dad’s best friend, Ray, who is apparently not allowed to attend either.

Alex isn’t quite sure how to help, but Willie never once lets go of his hand, so maybe just being there is enough.

It’s a long afternoon, but only slightly painful, and then suddenly they’re climbing back into the car.

It takes a few seconds for Alex to realize that Willie hasn’t actually put the key into the ignition, or for that matter, let go of Alex’s hand.

“Hey,” Alex murmurs, “you okay?”

Willie drops his head onto Alex’s shoulder, “It’s just so exhausting, you know?”

Alex hums, because he doesn’t really.

“They’re all so fake, being all polite, and acting like they want to know me, but they didn’t fucking want me.”

Alex realizes then that Willie is crying, and he tries to shift so he can pull him into a hug, but Willie won’t let go of his hand.

“And I love Ray, I do, and it’s not like I want to live with them, but they spent my whole childhood pretending I didn’t exist and then when they were forced to acknowledge me, they still didn’t want me. And I lied to you. Ray usually goes with me and they wouldn’t have cared if I’d brought a friend as long as they could put on their little ‘happy family show,’ but I wanted you, and I wanted to be able to hold your hand, and now I don’t want to let go because I love you so much, but you probably don’t want me either.”

And Alex is, well, Alex is trying to wrap his head around the fact that his whole entire world just got rewritten. Because even if that was a bunch of heartbreaking word salad, he’s pretty sure Willie just said he loved him.

And this is why he doesn’t respond nearly fast enough, giving Willie the time to realize what he just said and freak out about it. Honestly, it’s all very Alex of him.

He tries to pull away, but this time, it’s Alex who won’t let go.

“Hey,” he says softly, and when Willie just keeps fighting against him, he says it louder, “Hey!” Willie freezes, staring at him, wide-eyed, “I’m, like, stupid in love with you too.”

Willie blinks, and Alex has a feeling his whole world is rewriting itself too.

“Oh,” he says, “Well, that’s convenient.”

Alex smiles at him, “Yeah, it is, isn’t it?”

The sit there smiling at each other, and they’re both crying still too, but none of that matters because Willie loves him.

“So, um, I’m gonna kiss you now,” Willie whispers.

“Okay,” Alex whispers back.

[hansoulo]

cold when you hold me (warm when I cry)

pairing: din djarin/reader (gender neutral, no y/n, could be platonic)

warnings: cursing? mild angst, crying, hurt/comfort oh ye boiiii

word count: like a cute 1.5k

a/n: may i offer you some catharsis in these trying times?

Today... today just… sucked. Like, really really sucked. What was that law? Anything that could go wrong, will go wrong?

Maker, it wasn’t even anything that bad, y’know? It was just.. Frustrating. The kid was frustrating. Mando was frustrating. Everything was just…

Fuck.

You’d been in a fit the entire day, hating how shrill your voice sounded when you became short with the both of them. You didn’t mean to. You didn’t want to. It’s just that everything managed to become incredibly too much for seemingly no reason  at all, enough so that just the sound of the Crest’s controls was enough to bring you near tears.

One of the subjects of your ire spoke up.

“Are you- alright?” his words were stilted, halting and unsure but edged with soft concern. You let out a laugh, the sound watery.

“Yeah, yeah I’m-” you swiped your knuckles across your eyelids, tracing the sunburst dust that follows the pressing on your vision before the shine of his armour came back into view. “I’m good,” you finished with a small sniff and a bobbing nod, trying to convince yourself more than him.

A few seconds passed in silence. You wiped at your eyes again. Tasted one roll of dripping salt. And turned away.

The Mandalorian’s hands curled around the ship controls. He was still, ever-stoic save for one slight turn of his head. “Do you want to… talk about it?” he asked when you only breathed, the sound rattling a wheezed hollowness in your chest and against the cockpit walls.

You smiled - or tried to - and shook your head gently, feeling the pool of crackling tears before you willed them back down. “No, it’s okay,” you answered after a moment, quiet. “Thanks, though.”

The hem of your shirtsleeve caught in your nails when you fiddled with it, drawing out a loose thread and watching as it piled around the skin of your wrist. It was white. The thread, that is. Which was sort of strange because the fabric was black, so it really didn’t lend itself to blending into the rest of the- oh, shit you were crying again.

“I’m gonna go, uhm-” you swallowed, ducking your head with a cough as you stood up from the copilot seat. “Check on the kid. Maybe nap.” You offered up a vague  wave up towards your head in half-hearted explanation. “Headache.”

The Mandalorian nodded. “The Mandalorian” felt… impersonal, though. Mando, you called him sometimes. Nerf-herding hunk of fucking metal, other times. None suited him very well, you thought before you turned to go, the goosebumps rising on your arms from the chill of the air vent above your head. You knew better than to ask for his name, though. Maybe one day, you could call him something else.

The ship’s filtered air washed over you in waves, trickling down your neck and through your sleeves like recycled water, soothing some of the raw sting still settling in the base of your stomach. One breath. Two breaths. In. Out.

No tears. No fuss.

No one to witness when you do.

You shook yourself out of your shallow stupor when you heard a voice, deep and rasped in  modulated timbre. “Sorry,” you said, your hand curled around the edges of the entrance. “What was that?”

“I said ‘try to sleep,” he repeated.

Oh.

That was… not what you thought he’d say.

In all fairness you didn’t really expect him to say anything, but that was… considerate. Sweet, even. Maybe.

“Thanks,” you whispered, fighting down the thick notch in your throat. “I- I will.”

-------

You coudn’t fucking cry in peace.

You only heard a slight shift, one barely audible step, before the glint of beskar took up your entire field of view, looming dark and sudden above your seated figure.

“What happened?”

“Fucking- oh, for Maker’s sake,” you cursed under your breathe, burying your face in your hands with a hiccup. “Don’t- don’t sneak up on me like that, okay? Almost gave me a heart attack.”

“You look close to it anyways,” he responded.

You glared at him through the spaces between your fingers, mumbling dryly. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

Groaning, you let your hands fall beside your legs until they dragged limp over the threadbare covers. “Why are you here?”

The Mandalorian took another step forward. “It’s my ship, isn’t it?”

“You know what I mean,” you rolled your eyes, drawing your knees up to your chest. The stiff rod of the bedframe dug into your heels when you shifted, scooting sideways with a pat of your hand to the space next to you. His shoulders stiffened and you managed a soft smile. “It’s your bed,” you parroted. “Isn’t it?”

He conceded, tilting his helmet as if to say I guess, and your knees jostled against metal when he sat down, apologizing. You tucked your legs underneath you. Told him it was fine.

It’s hard to tell what time of day it is. In space, everything looks the same. Cold and sterile, a vacuum of glittering crystalline set against empty, empty air. You’d been traveling in hyperspace for hours. Still had hours left to go. A long ways for a good bounty, you supposed. Wasn’t really your area of expertise.

“You can tell me,” he offered quietly, careful not to press close. Professional, huh. What was this, then? Emotional insurance? Preemptive therapy so he wouldn’t have to go find someone else to drag across the galaxy? “If you want to.”

“Tell you what?”

Maker, you were a horrible liar. As if he couldn’t see your puffy eyes and your nose rubbed raw with his stupid, fancy high-tech heat vision sensor-thingies.

The Mandalorian didn’t say anything. If you could see it, you think he’d be raising his eyebrows. “There’s nothing to tell, honestly,” you said after a moment, leaning to rest your chin on your knees and looping your arms around your calves. You stared ahead at the far wall, following the dingy metal plating. “I just… had a bad day.”

“A bad day,” the man beside you said, his arms braced on his legs as he sat.

“Yeah,” you sighed, tucking your chin and letting your eyes shut. “A bad day.”

“I know the kid-” he began, “ I know I can be… difficult. And I’m sorry-”

You shook your head, turning to look at the sharp metal of his visor. It was always so strange, hearing him disembodied. Only to face its source and find a mask.

His voice sounded human.

He wasn’t wearing gloves.

“It’s not your fault,” you assured him. His armour reflected hazy glints of gaseous blue light and you followed them with red-rimmed eyes, your gaze curious; his, unyielding. A stare-down. Stare...off? There really wasn’t any way you could know he was even paying attention. He could be sleeping right now, for all you knew.

He wasn’t, though. He was looking at you.

“It’s not your fault,” you said again, more to yourself. “It just gets too much sometimes. Y’know,” you gestured vaguely at your surroundings. “Everything. Anything. Stuff.”

The Mandalorian let out something that could possibly, maybe, in some ways, be interpreted as a laugh. “Stuff, right?”

You squinted, watching him through the sideways vision of your tilted head, and faked offense. “Are you mocking my pain?”

He let out another raspy chuckle, the sound reverberating in your ears and melting in the tips of your fingers. “No,” he said.

“Good,” you replied.

His posture loosened, more slack beside you. A little closer. “You know, you don’t have to.”

“Have to what?” you asked, your question genuine this time.

The edge of your thigh knocked against his cuisse when he spoke again. “Pretend like you’re okay.”

Well, shit.

“I don’t like it,” you admitted as you twisted your sleeves in your palms, wringing the trailing hems until they grew damp. “I don’t like-” you exhaled shakily. “-crying, in front of people.”

Hands that didn’t belong to you, tan and wide and ever-so-careful, reached up to pry the fabric from between your fingers. Then, they pushed the sleeves up, to the slope of your elbows. Then, they traced the skin of your forearms and down your wrists. And then, they stayed there. Pressing two soft thumb circles into your tremoring palms; waiting.

Your vision burned blurry as your chest tightened. “Your hands are warm,” you whispered.

The Mandalorian raised one to the curve of your cheek, over the leaking rivulet trails you hadn’t realized were falling. “Yours are cold,” he replied.

You swallowed, feeling the light callouses. Turned in. “Can you stay?” you asked. His visor revealed little, but if you let yourself slip into a half-state you could almost imagine the color of his eyes. Something dark, to match his voice. Something warm, to match his hands. “Just for a bit?”

He nodded and so you let your eyes fall closed again, your thoughts slow in that tired, aching way that prying something open makes you feel.

When you moved to rest your head on his pauldron, you felt an arm wrap around your shoulders.

[evermoreparker]

Coming Down

A/n: Hey!! So I'm really proud of this fic, first because it made me step out of my comfort zone, and talk about something that sometimes happens to me. This fic does not romanticizes anxiety, and I don't want people to think that at all. People who struggle with anxiety will deal with it differently, this is how I cope with mine. Hope you like it! 💖 (Also, this includes some Black Cat × Spiderman interaction haha.)

TW: anxiety attack, guys being assholes, mentions of social anxiety.

It all started when you were invited to a frat party, and as someone who was trying to fit in you thought going there would be a good idea. Peter thought it wasn’t, at first,  knowing how much you hated going to parties, but as soon as you said you’d be fine, he wasn’t so worried anymore. As soon as you got there you saw how crowded the party was (red flag 1), but since you had Peter by your side you’d be fine, or so you thought. As time went by you realized everything was going great, something you weren’t expecting considering how you used to act in a crowded room. Until Peter told you he had to go. 

“I promise I’ll be back soon, are you gonna be alright?” he said as fast as he could, sometimes you wonder why Peter disappeared at night. 

“Yea” you smiled, finally feeling comfortable in being alone. 

“Ok then, call me if you need anything ok?” And with a quick peck on your lips Peter was gone. 

The reason why you didn’t like parties was simple, it was like you were in canned tuna, tight places felt like the walls were going to swallow you whole at anytime, and the loud music and sweaty people didn’t help at all, but you were fine now, sitting on a couch just sipping some cheap vodka with soda and trying to have fun, then a boy sat next to you, a little too close.

“Hey what’s a pretty girl like you doing alone at a party like this?” He seemed almost proud of himself, as if he invented the greatest pick up line of all times. He smiled waiting for your answer, as you were too busy trying to ignore his beer breath. 

“Not alone, I’m with my boyfriend,'' you said, trying to get rid of this random, and very drunk, stranger. 

”Oh really? Where is he then?''

”Well it’s none of your business, honestly.’’ you said while taking another sip and hoping that you had a telepathically connection with Peter and he would just come right away. 

’’Woah calm down babe, just trying to get to know you, nothing more.’’ he got closer, and you were almost throwing your cup at his face. "Unless you want to" he put his hand on your shoulder, and whispered in your ear, and that was the last straw. 

’’Get off of me dumbass’’ you pushed him off the couch, and you were surprised about your strength, but hey adrenaline makes you do stuff you usually wouldn’t do without it. 

’’Do you know who I am?’’

‘‘Do you think I care?’’ you faked a pout. 

’’You should, I can make your life miserable’’  That made you laugh so hard. 

’’Omg I didn’t know you were a writer for Riverdale! Tell me, how’s the supernatural thing working out for you? Heard there would be aliens in the show!’’ 

’’You are a bitch, do you know that?’’

’’That’s the only insult you could think of?’’ he seemed annoyed enough about you not coming running to apologize for messing with him, and finally left you alone. 

As soon as you saw him going back to your friends, and they were all looking at you, you decided to try to get some fresh air. Being greeted by the wind on your face, you finally felt like you could breathe again, but the feelings you feared were back. You left your phone on the couch, but you didn’t wanna go back inside, so all that was left to do was crying because of all the air being taken out of your lungs. 

Peter was too busy fighting the cat burglar to think about how you were, until his spidey senses kicked in, and suddenly catching black cat wasn’t his priority anymore. 

’’Gotta go, bye!’’ he webs her up to a truck and let’s just hope she doesn’t get away this time. 

"Are you seriously gonna leave me here?’’ 

"Already called the cops, you’ll be fine!’’ he says already slinging his way to the party. 

''You know, we could’ve been having a lot of fun’’ she yells at him, but you are the only thing on his mind. 

As soon as he gets there, he sees you all curled up and crying, and he just wants to know what happened. 

‘‘Hey baby I’m back’’ he touches your arm, so that you can feel his presence. 

‘‘D-don’t touch me please’’ you kept crying, but he does what you say, respecting your space. 

‘‘What happened babe?’’ he softly asks, too scared of triggering something else if he asks what he really wants to know: Did someone touch you? He was constantly scared of putting you in any danger due to his… work. 

‘’It’s just that I…’’ you take another deep breath for the thousandth time that night "I get overwhelmed with parties, a-and it usually just gets too much for me, all the noise, people screaming, sweaty bodies all around and especially if I can’t find a window" Peter hears everything you have to say, and he really wishes he could hold you, but that would only make it worse knowing from everything he read about it. 

‘‘So it’s like an anxiety attack, and I was really embarrassed by it, because it happened a lot at high school parties, but I know it’s nothing to be embarrassed of.’’ Peter immediately thinks how much of a shitty boyfriend he is for leaving you all alone. ‘‘And it’s not your fault, so don’t you ever think that ok?’’ 

"I’m always here for you, you know that right?’ he fights the urge of holding you, again. "You could’ve called, maybe if I was here sooner I could’ve helped.’’ 

‘‘I-I do, it’s just.. something happened’’ Peter heart breaks just thinking that something happened to you and he wasn’t there. ‘‘And it wouldn’t have changed if you were here or not, the only person that can help me with that’s myself.’’ He waits for you to go on, explain what happened, but you hesitate. 

‘‘Can you get me water please?’’ 

‘‘Sure babe, do you wanna come with me?’’

‘‘No, you can go, I’ll be fine’’ As if you could read his thoughts about how worried he was about leaving alone after what happened… ‘‘I promise’’ 

Peter fumbled through the kitchen trying to find water, but it seemed like there was only alcohol, he thought, for a second, about how they are gonna have the worst hangover ever tomorrow, stupid teens. Not finding water, Peter just grabbed some from the tap, better than nothing. 

‘‘Here’’ he gave you the cup, and decided not to bother you with his usual rambling about how he got that. 

‘‘Thanks’’ you take the cup from his hand,and drink while trying to think about 5 things you can see, 4 you can feel, 3 you can smell, 2 you can taste and 1 you can hear. 

‘‘Do you wanna talk about it?’’ 

‘‘Not right now, can you tell me about your day? Just wanna hear you’’

‘‘Yea yea sure’’ Peter loved telling you about his day, how you two would always celebrate each other's good news, and be there for the bad ones. ‘‘I met Cat again, you won’t believe what she was doing today…’’ 

You two spent the night apart from each other, Peter giving you all the space you needed to feel calm, and making sure not to pressure you about what happened at the party, it was up to you to tell in your own time. That was one of the things you loved the most about your relationship with Peter, how he respected you and your space, and how much you were so patient and caring with him. 

[how-gross]

Trigger Warning: heavy sexuality and gender crisis, mentions of self-h@rm ideation and relapsing, nausea and fear of throwing up. View on your own discretion.

June 7, 2022

Pride month, I thought, was supposed to make me feel good.

But now I’m in my bedroom, with a heavy feeling in my stomach, sunk all the way down. I can’t cry, my therapist had told me that the reason for that is because I’m a person who can’t cry as easily. And although that sounds easy and true, I wish I could cry easily. At this point I don’t care if it get seen as a sensitive and weak for it (I do care, just not at this specific moment in time), I just want to cry and get my feelings out instead of considering self-h@rm in order to fix all my problems.

Because that’s what’s happening to me right now. My mind spiraling with thoughts of “am I omniromantic?”, “am I biromantic?”, “am I Panromantic?” And “am I Pangender” or “am I Bigender”. There’s not as easy of a solution to it either; I can’t label myself as unlabeled because unlabelled is too much of a universal term for me. If I had an actual label, I’d feel much more finalized, more real. But I don’t feel real, I don’t feel complete, I just feel empty and heavy and weighted, like cotton after being dunked into water. The only label I feel complete with is asexual because it feels so simple to me despite how people take it, but even then I get crises about that sometimes.

And then I get scared for many reasons: what if I do change my sexual or gender identity, what happens after that? What if that new identity label is wrong and drives me down a new road of insanity? What if I offend someone because I didn’t realize that that specific gender and sexuality label is extremely offensive due to how questionable it is?

And the most that drives me up and down a wall and down again: what if I’m just faking? What if all of this is just a teenage phase that I’m going through; that, once I become an adult, I realize was so stupid and inconsiderate did me to even consider myself to be anything remotely close to queer. That I’m just a cishet woman whose desperately seeking attention and validation, who doesn’t truly care about the community itself, about her own identity, and was only going through a phase like all teens do.

Because then I have to ask myself; why? Why, if I’m just faking being queer, why do I feel like this? Why do I feel empty and heavy and sick? Why is this affecting me so much more physically than I thought it would?? Why does my stomach feel full and heavy, to the point of me being physically sick and feeling like I’m about to vomit at anytime?? Why am I getting frustrated, to the point of tears due to the little instances?? Why am I literally considering relapsing and h@rming myself over something I’m supposedly faking? Why is this affecting me so much, emotionally and physically, if I’m just faking all of it for attention and praise? Why?

I don’t know anymore…

[ablackfangirlwrites]

A/n: A new chapter for those of you who were waiting for this! I hope you enjoy it 💕🖤💕 again tagging @ayocee because you were a big help in making this love u boo😘

Part 1

Part 2

“You are too damn cute,” Daichi said breathlessly as he kissed you against the library bookshelf.

You couldn’t help but giggle, “Daichi- you’re going to get u-us in trouble.” You said inbetween his kisses, But he didn’t seem to care as he pushed up closer against you and deepened the kiss. 

That’s how the last few days had been. You had been wrapped in everything that was Daichi. And you had been enjoying every second of it. 

How did you get so lucky? Was all you could wonder. First, a random guy who is insanely hot pops up into your life and returned your precious wallet; And on top of that, he was interested in you!

And it’s been since that day you the two of you had been meeting up. 

You had been right. You did have a few classes with him. And when you saw him the next day he offered to sit next to you and walk you to your next class. To which you happily agreed.

And after a few walks around campus and late-night texting sessions, you found yourself really enjoying his company. Hints the reason why you were making out during one of your study sessions in the library 

So needless to say the two of you really really did hit it off. 

And things really had been blissful with Daichi. He really was all the things you had thought he was, handsome, charming, funny, caring. He was literally everything you wanted in a guy. 

Except there was one problem…

He wasn’t so keen on being in a relationship. 

“I just got out of a relationship Y/n…” He told you the first time you brought up being his girlfriend and making things official.

“But I do like you a lot so I can definitely see myself with you if we keep this up, ” And looking into his beautiful brown eyes you believed him. And you had hope that there was a passionate relationship in the future for you two.

“But doesn’t that upset you? It’s been like a month since you started talking. What do you wanna do? Are you going to keep seeing him? ” Your friend asked you once they knew you and Daichi had been seeing each other for a few weeks. And nothing had been declared official yet. 

“I don’t know...I mean I get why he doesn’t want to rush into anything, but I believe if I give him a little time we’ll be together...He’s a good guy.” You told her confidently. If anything you were trying to convince yourself. Maybe it was because of all those bad relationships of your past you were doubtful. "He just got out of a relationship he just needs time."

Daichi was different. He had to be. He was nice..he’s a good guy.

Her only response was a sigh, “Alright I trust your judgment. But even nice guys can have a bad side.” 

Once again you found yourself just hoping you were right. 

Things kept getting more intense with Daichi. Which was good and bad; Bad because even after seeing each other for over 3 months he still didn’t want to make it official and good because even though that was the case you still couldn’t get enough of him, he was just so good to you. He always listened to you. He was was making sure you were comfortable with him. He was literally perfect.

But you weren’t so stupid and naive, and again it might have been because of all the other times you had been used. That you had made a deal with Daichi. No sex until you were official.

The only problem with that was Daichi seemed okay with it. Make out sessions and dry humping was working for him. And he respected your boundaries, And it annoyed you to no end because the whole reason you said that was to encourage him. But that didn’t work.

There was one other issue too...His friends.

You weren’t sure if they like you or not. It wasn’t that they were mean to you either. If anything they were indifferent. Daichi talked about them all the time, making them sound fun and lively. And when you met them they all seemed great, but whenever you were around you couldn’t help but get the feeling they were all having a conversation about you behind your back. It made yoi feel uneasy. But you pushed it too the back of your mind.

“You really falling for all that? His one friend Kuroo asked you one day. After Daichi had left to do something, leaving you with his friends. Out of all of Daichi's friends he was the one that you were sure you didn’t like. As far as you were concerned Kuroo was a nerd and who was annoying and he seemed to always have something snarky to say whenever he saw you with Daichi. 

“What jealous? You can't be as charming as him?” You quipped back at him.

Kuroo snorted with an eyeroll, “Sure.”

Annoyed with his attitude you spoke up again, "Whats you deal anyway? Aren't you supposed to be his friend? Or do you just not like us together?"

Kuroo signed closings his notebook and packing up his things where he was studying, “I’m just watching this one play out. It’s a shame tho you seem nice.” He was so condensing. It was always something vague with him.  But you just roll your eyes and continue about your way, not giving his words much thought.

Having no idea what his words really meant. 

But all good things must come to an end. 

It was a random day when you saw Daichi. He had been texting you as normal all-day. And everything seemed fine. You guys even planned on seeing each other later that night to study.

But then you saw him as you were heading back to your dorm.

That itself wouldn’t have been a problem if not for the fact he told you he was still had work to do in one of his classes, and the fact you saw him with someone else. And not just anyone. Another girl.

And again that wouldn't have been a problem either if not for the fact he had his hands wrapped around her, and she him as the two of them stood there kissing in broad daylight. Not caring who saw them. Which was very different from anytime you were with him. It wasn’t like he was keeping you a secret he took you around his friends after all...but now that you were really thinking about it you never been with him kissing outside in the middle of the campus who was she?

They stopped kissing and stood there talking for a bit smiling and staring into each other eyes, just like you usually do with him and you felt the sting in your heart. You almost felt bad for just standing there watching them. Like you were invading their privacy, but they were out in public…

You wanted an answer.

You don’t know where you got the courage from but you didn’t want to be a bystander in this. So you went up to them. Praying that she wasn’t anyone serious to him. That maybe she was like you and they hadn’t been made official and you still had a chance. You still wanted hope that you and Daichi could be together. 

“Hey, Daichi!” You said in a voice that was way too high.

Daichi seemed to freeze for a moment when he saw you, “oh-Y/n...Hey..er- how have you been?” 

He really was acting like the two of you hadn’t been texting just a few hours ago. And you felt your heart sinking.

“I’ve been fine, Daichi…” You started to trail off

But the girl spoke up, “Who’s this Di?” 

He cleared his voice, “Um a girl I study with sometimes."

You couldn't believe it, Daichi didnt even have the decency to tell her your name.

Daichi seemed to pick up how that made you feel so clearing his voice he spoke up, "Y/n.."

But the girl looked at him expecting him to say more which he also picked up on, " Annnd Y/n- this my girlfriend (girls name)” He answered avoided your gaze.

You didn’t know what hurt the most that he couldn’t look at you, or that he was in a relationship when he had been leading you on all this time.

But not wanting to embarrass yourself in front of him anymore. You faked a smile, “Yeah, ummm...I-I was just asking if you had any trouble- with that problem number 4 on the test today?”  You asked him out of the blue.

Daichi seemed to sigh with relief that you weren’t making a scene, “Yeah, I did actually. But I’m sorta busy right now but we can go over it later alright?” 

You were so hurt, and you were trying not to cry, “Don’t bother...I'll figure it out” You told him before walking away.

This was a nightmare! You felt betrayed! How could he? The events of the last few minutes replayed in your head. A girlfriend? No wonder he didnt want to be in a relationship with you, he was already in one! You wished so hard that it wasnt true. That he would run after you and tell you it was a joke. That you were the one he wanted. That the last few months with him weren't a lie.

But that wasn't going to happen.

You got far enough to where you were sure they couldn’t see you before you let your emotions flow....He had a girlfriend you repeated in your head over and over again. You felt so used, and stupid. This was far worst than the other guys, Because you actually believed he was different; that he was your Mr. Perfect. 

But you were so wrong.

“Oof that was awkward,” You heard someone say besides you, you quickly tried to wipe away the tears on your face. Only to look to see it was Kuroo. Great, of course, it was him out of all people you thought.

“I bet you’re really enjoying this,” You said trying your best to sound tough as you fiddled with your clothes and tired to make yourself look like you werent crying.

But kuroo wasnt so cruel to tease you while you were clearly upset, and he knew the reason why, “Y/n, I’m sorry-” He tried to tell you but you werent listening.

"I dont need you pity kuroo," You said rolling your eyes and leaving.

 You didn’t have time to deal with another jerk. You thought you were done with them. Daichi was supposed to be a good guy. The one you could trust. The person that was going to make your life better. 

But from what you just went through and that hollow feeling in your chest, you knew how wrong you were.

[enbeemagical]

Any hc about our sparkly elf, Aaravos?

If not him, Runaan and Ethari?

OHHHH YES

OH YES INDEEDY

you see, I rp Aaravos, which means he likes to talk in my head even when I would rather he shut up so I can go to sleep. And he has Lots Of Opinions. Occasionally I learn things he’d rather I not know, and that’s where I build from.

okay! Headcanons!!

Due to his experiences, Aaravos doesn’t just hate Avizandum, he’s actually dracophobic. 

He’s aroallo-- aromantic and allosexual (pan, usually). (I’m not entirely certain if I show that well in my rp, since Aaravos is so different from me. We’re both arospec, so that probably helps, but he’s allo and I’m ace and the blog is SFW, so idk anything lmao)

Yeah, Aaravos is good at flirting, but it’s never anything serious, you know? Flirting =/= attraction, and in fact flirting = no attraction. He’ll flirt with anything and anyone, but when he flusters and doesn’t quite know what to say, when he cuts the nicknames and teasing? That’s when you know he’s fallen.

Nicknames are just how he talks. He doesn’t bother remembering names unless they’re important to him. He’s sort of like Diana Wynne Jones’s Chrestomanci/Christopher Chant in that, except instead of calling Mr. Baslam “Mr. Bislow” he’d call him “dark mage.” He’ll use nicknames anytime on anyone, but name-names are only for people he respects/cares about. So he might call the dragon king “Avizandum,” because as much as he hates him, Avizandum imprisoned him, and  Aaravos can’t help but respect the power it took to imprison him, an Archmage. (I still haven’t convinced him to call Amaya by her name, even though he says he respects her. Wait a sec--)

Revised nickname headcanon: He uses names when he feels close to someone. Not just respect, though that has something to do with it. Names aren’t something he takes lightly. 

Okay, this got long, so there are two dozen more headcanons under the cut. They’re just in the order I thought of them, so they kind of jump around a bit, sorry. Angst and fluff.

Aaravos is basically a faerie. Not fairy like Tinkerbell; faerie like the high fae, like Oberon, Titania, and Puck. He’s extremely powerful, ethereally beautiful (though not all fae are), and he’s very careful with his wording.

Either Aaravos can lie and simply doesn’t, or he cannot lie and doesn’t want that to be known. (I choose to ignore the option of “he was lying when he said he never lies” because that hurts my brain.) “I’m not lying. I never lie.” Never, not cannot, which. Details, details.

He was betrayed. He ended up in the mirror because he was betrayed. They drugged him to seal away his magic so Avizandum could imprison him. I have several scenes of this in my head, but @alls-fair-in-pride-and-prejudice and I are using this is TSATS so I don’t want to give too much more away.

Ziard was Aaravos’s apprentice. They were kind of like Halt and Will in Ranger’s Apprentice. Only they invented dark magic together and Halt and Will didn’t use magic.

Dark magic causes nightmares until you learn it, if you don’t have training. Aaravos’s nightmares? The other Startouch elves leaving.

He’s afraid of being alone. He used to like it, spending hours and days and weeks alone with his books quite happily. But after he literally could not interact with anyone for three hundred years, he’d break if he had to be alone again.

He actually did break during those centuries. Multiple times. Screaming, crying, throwing things, trying to break things, windows, the mirror, anything. Even himself.

They’re antlers, not horns. Horns are one point, you get one (1) set for life, like adult teeth. Antlers have branches, and you get a new set every year. Aaravos... has feelings about this. 

Startouch elves spoke like a Shakespeare play. This one’s kind of silly, and entirely based around the line, “Yes, it’s well appointed, but make no mistake, this has been my prison these past few centuries!” and me thinking that “well appointed” sounded very Shakespearean and he could just as well have said “Yes, it’s quite nice, but make no mistake” etcetera (and a bit that I keep wanting to write “thou” when writing him lately). Anyway. Moving on.

Aaravos is a good animal trainer. He’s got the patience for it, and he’s smart. He’s probably trained lots of animals, of many different species. Clicker training, probably; definitely primarily positive reinforcement.

The horse? Is not a horse. It’s a couch. (I only go in for this one because I love the image of Aaravos jumping around on his couch like a little kid, draping himself all over the room. Funnily enough, how he rides is entirely plausible, given that I’m not even drinking age and I can ride my horse very similarly to how Aaravos rides. He’s millennia older than me; he could absolutely ride like that.)

Aaravos killed Queen Aditi and Queen Luna Tenebris. That’s a big reason why he was imprisoned. Yeah, the dark magic was part of it, but Ziard lived 1,000 years ago and Aaravos was only imprisoned 300 years ago. Either he managed to evade the authorities for 700 years, or something else was the tipping point. Maybe a bit of both.

Aaravos has killed a lot of people, for various reasons. Sometimes for revenge (I’d like to think Aditi killed Ziard, which is why Aaravos went after her), sometimes just for being in his way (he discarded the poor Sunfire priest way too casually).

If he really cares about someone, he will kill for them? Die for them? Nah, not really, he’d have to be absolutely crazily stupid with love for that. Kill for them? Absolutely, any day.

Oh and he does the murderously protective thing where he’s like, “Oh, and if anyone hurts you do let me know. I will be happy to talk to them about that. 💖🔪😇 ”

He doesn’t like children. Like, there are a few he cares about, but by and large he’s like “children? ugh, no, yuck.”

He doesn’t fall in love easily, but when he does, he is in love. Period, fullstop.

For all his flirting and teasing, he knows how to respect no. I mean. Look at Xadia’s culture. Being queer is a total nonissue, women are actually treated as equal to men. Sure, it’s not perfect, but it’s hella better than here. Aaravos grew up in Xadia. He’s gonna respect people as people. Will he flirt insanely with everyone, whether they’re into him or not? Yeah. If he talks, he flirts. Will he make a move on someone who doesn’t want him to? No.

He loves cats. Need I say more?

He didn’t get any kind of trial, no chance to defend himself, to tell his side of the story. He was just betrayed and imprisoned.

Aaravos’s arrogance and vanity is a cover over some major self-esteem issues. Maybe he didn’t always have those, but during his imprisonment there were times he believed that he deserved it. That he was a monster, a soulless demon (like they said he was), and he didn’t deserve freedom. That he had no heart, that all he could do was hurt people, and anytime he tried to help he only ended up hurting more. Destruction and tragedy was all he could bring. He’d try not to believe that, forcing himself to remember good things he’d done, telling himself over and over again that he can help people he’s not a monster he’s not-- and he just. can’t. because he’s tried to help, yes, he saved Elarion and he killed for those he loved, but he killed, and not always to protect, and he even enjoyed it. He knows he’s done bad things, but he enjoyed them. Maybe he did deserve to be put in here, alone. Because if he deserved it, maybe when he’s suffered enough to atone he can be free, but if he was truly unjustly imprisoned then there will be no freedom. And this doesn’t make sense, and he knows it’s illogical, so he pulls on a mask of pride and confidence, hoping ‘fake it til you make it’ will work eventually, but underneath. Aaravos. Is. Broken.

Aaravos likes humans in general more than elves in general. They tend to be less judgey at him and they look up to him. Nice ego boost there, the admiration.

He also likes animals, especially now. They don’t judge him based on any criteria a human, elf, or dragon might use. They just care how he personally treats them specifically, and he’s good to them so they love him. They don’t ask anything more of him than that, no relentless demands on his time, and they can just happily coexist in companionable silence. Humans tend to be less good at that.

His favorite fiction books are romance novels. He does like the different ones, the cliche-benders that turn tropes on their heads, but sometimes there’s nothing like curling up with a cheesy, predictable, well-loved story and a cup of hot chocolate.

So, anon, this live up to your expectations?

[shiteatinggrin]

Hi, so this is my contribution to my first jilytober, I wrote some canon fic, it is kinda sad so I guess you could call this angst? I don’t know, I’m not that good at categorizing fic. Anyways, here is a love letter to James Potter from Lily Evans because he just died under her eyes. Wrote this fast, so I can’t vouch for the quality of this. This is almost 3k of Lily being a sap, so enjoy! Find it here on Ao3.

Bastard with a shit eating grin

Do you remember our first kiss? I can still feel the cold air of winter seeping through the walls of Greenhouse Number Three and you and I laughing together. It was not an unusual thing anymore, but some people could have been surprised, because we had had some big feuds over the years, the Dormitories Dashing and Destroying Disagreement, the Inflating Inner Ear Incident, the Flying Fiona Fight and the Severus Snape Saga consisting of the big highlights. However frustrating it was, we always had fun together, didn’t we?

Now we were falling in love dutifully without realising we had always been meant for each other in some way. I was all colors: glorious red hair, pink cheeks, pale green eyes and horrendously yellow socks. You were all teeth: shining smiles, arrogant smirking, belly-laughing in a silent room or grinding them in concentration for the task you were committing to (hyper-focusing on) at the moment.

‘Oi, Evans, can I copy your homework?’ You would say that practically every day.

‘How about a please, Potter? Might do you some good.’ You watched me smear some soil on my neck when I scratched it and said nothing. I discovered it in Transfiguration two hours later. Crazy how we can only remember the smallest details years later and the big things just go right over our heads. I could only ever remember the small details with you, because whatever we said to each other was never important, only the talking to you part was.

‘Oh Lily, dearest flower to my heart that I worship beyond any rainbow, might I please please please see your diligently done homework so that I can rewrite it because, being the idiot that I am, I was off gallivanting with Sirius yesterday instead of being a good student.’ You added pouts and made doe eyes for good measure as if I wouldn’t already have grabbed the moon from the sky’s grubby hands every night if you had asked it.

I would stifle a smile and put some piece of parchment in your extended hand without even looking, sometimes it was the homework if I was feeling generous, if I were more in a creative mood I might give you a stupid doodle or some kind of letter that would say something like: ‘Dear Prongs, you are an asshat. Looking forward to our rounds tonight so I can kick your ass in Gobstones. Now listen to Sprout, will you? Lily’ with a stupid heart over the i that basically meant PS: I love you. Finally, I’d say something like:

‘I would have laughed, but your head might inflate so much you’d have neck pain for a week.’

You let yourself smile then and continued to jest me, hoping to wrench a smile out of the beast (you always did it literally two minutes later, it is funny how easy it is to win when you give yourself such small tasks).

But that day, amazingly, we broke out of our routine.

At night we would always hang out together in the common room with our friends and slowly the people would fizzle out, having gone up to their dormitories and I would stay on the couch with the urge to kiss you with some dumb excuse not to leave on the tip of my tongue. I painted my nails or read some book or talked to you extensively about something I’d learned recently and you would listen with concentrated eyes and a much too easy smile.

Then you would start talking and when you started some story it would never finish, even now you can’t even recall something as simple as Harry’s first smile without going on for five full minutes without stopping. In these nights I would try to look like I wasn’t paying too much attention to you, like I was detached from everything pertaining to your person, but being young and in love doesn’t exactly give you the best skills in subtlety and so you would ask me if I was paying attention and I would blush and you would make some quip about redheads and their skins and everything would go back to normal.

And out of the blue, when I was talking about getting some sugar quills next time we were in Hogsmeade and how difficult the Ancient Runes paper was, you kissed me. Your hands flew to my hair and mine to cup your face and you pressed your body hard against mine. I’d never seen you so hungry for anything before, it seemed like you had been starving for a thousand years before our lips found each other. I had kissed three boys before you, and none of them could compare to the feeling of ecstasy of your mouth against mine. No one will ever compare to James Potter, right? That’s what you used to say in fourth year when you made a particular lucky goal in Quidditch or when you caught the Snitch in mid-air even though you were a Chaser and we were in Potions classf. Is it weird that I miss that?

I don’t think there ever was a time when I didn’t love you, all electric hair and much too quick brain and hundred stupid nicknames that didn’t mean anything unless you explained them in excruciating detail and you would smile too much and talk too loud and walk too fast and I wouldn’t feel so out of place with you because I did the exact same things. Petunia was always prim and proper and I always tried to be like her and please everyone but you taught me how to be myself and how to blossom into my personality without even knowing it. With you I’ve never been too much, I was always just enough.

Everything always came so easy to you, and I’ve always hated you for it. Now I think that I can’t appreciate enough how you could always share that with everyone around you, that incredible luck that could get you out of the worst of predicaments. I guess it all caught up to us today, but I don’t mind now. I’ll love you forever, come what may.

My heart is full of wanted posters of you: dead or alive.

I can’t remember the first time I’ve really noticed you, because you were always in the periphery, doing stupid things and getting in trouble and beaming for no reason at all and the memory of your presence was impossible to shake, but I still remember the first time we really became friends. We were fifteen by the lake and my best friend betrayed me under the glistening sun, the following day I had the worst grade in Transfiguration I’d ever gotten. You found me crying by a window on the fifth floor and apologized a hundred times (which I couldn’t have cared less at the moment), but you still went and talked to McGonagall and she agreed to let me retake the test in the afternoon and offered me a biscuit.

In seventh year, a girl told me that she was so jealous of the fact that I was the only one that could make James Potter change and mature. As if your life revolved around me. I thought of your sick father and the fact that Sirius had appeared on your front door one day and never left your house and with a twinge in my heart thought of the war coming and I couldn’t believe my ears. With all this going on, and she still thought you’d only change for a girl?

I’m not proud of this, but I might have shouted at her and maybe, perhaps I was the one that sent a silencing charm her way, but who could really tell? Not her, because her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth.

I wonder if I ever told you that. Probably, because you know everything interesting there is to know about me. You even know the most boring facts about me, because they amuse you just the same. You know I like peonies the best in spite of my name and that my first kiss was with Snape when I was eight, you know that I wiped my mouth right after and didn’t know yet what love was. You know that my favourite band is Hate Potion and that my guilty pleasure is Celestina Warbeck. You know that I wanted to name our son Harry because of a muggle TV show I used to watch with Petunia when I was seven on Saturday mornings and that when I fight my favorite charm is Expelliarmus. You were at my side when I killed my first (and last) Death Eater and that I cried for a week afterward. You comforted me for five hours when Marlene and her entire family were massacred in their own home, the same one where I had spent a good chunk of my summers to avoid Petunia. You know that I only ever paint my toenails blue and that my favorite flavour of ice cream is mint chocolate chip. You know all about my relationship with my sister and how she used to be my best friend and that we used to dance in bathing suits around the sprinkler and fake being witches to make potions out of mud and flowers and how she never forgave when this dream became true for me but not for her. You know all about my failed relationships, with Tuney, Sev and my ex-boyfriend who left me because he didn’t want to be associated with a muggleborn. You know I’m absolute shite at drawing and that I can’t dance to save my life and you laugh at me when I’m drunk and try to follow Peter’s choreography to some dumb song I don’t know. Last year, you helped paint flowers all over my bookcase because I wanted it to be unique and just mine.

When Harry was born, you refused to sleep for two days because he was so cute when he slept against your chest, but you finally fell asleep while cutting onions for dinner and I had to intervene.

One of my favourite things about you is that I have never seen anyone so full of life. You smile like nothing has ever gone wrong in your entire life and you are more loyal than any Hufflepuff I’ve ever seen, you would die for any of us in a heartbeat and we would do the same for you anytime. My love for you is so big I wonder how it even fits in our little house in Godric’s Hollow. You painted our walls burnt orange because you said it reminded you of my hair and I wonder if it is weird to fall in love with you even more over some colour choices. You complete me because as much as you are a complete idiot, you still recommend the best books and are smart enough to plan the best pranks, but too smug to make anyone else take the blame. You had always been my favourite person in the whole universe until Harry arrived, but he is so much like you that it is like meeting you at a much earlier age. He has the same laugh as you, you know?

I cannot believe how brave you are, because traditional courage requires you to go into battle and protect everyone you love like a lioness does her cubs, but you have found the energy to keep going even trapped in this house with an infant without being able to help your friends outside. You go everyday against your most basic instincts and you manage to have so much fun with us, but I see the tired bags under your eyes and the fact that you lose your train of thoughts sometimes and I know that you’re thinking about the war and the security of the boys, I know they are your family and it would kill you if one of them ever fell into battle, yet you never complain, yet you never lose hope. I love you so much my feeble heart can’t contain it all. My love for you is as inevitable as the blue of the sky, as the oxygen in our lungs, as the passage of time, I love you so much that when I see you it is like coming home, your wild hair and round glasses and mischievous eyes and soft voice and much too long limbs and wide chest and calloused hands and smile like an answer to all my problems.

No one has ever made me feel as secure as you and now I know I have to be strong for you, because you are the one that’s fallen, like a marionnette whose strings were cut. The coffee stain on the right arm of your shirt is the last thing I will see of you, or maybe it is a bit of your wild inky hair. I will never be able to look at the night sky the same.

I can hear him in the stairs, and all I can think about is you and Harry this morning, my two favourite people in the world, sat on the carpet and puffs of colour coming out of your wand, your laugh coming out of his mouth, one single tooth poking out, little chubby legs shaking from laughter, the wand you stupidly left on the carpet (the wand you didn’t care wasn’t in your hands because you didn’t care if you died, you just wanted us to live). Your last gift to me was the most precious of all: you gave me the time to say goodbye to Harry.

‘Mama loves you. Dada loves you, Harry.’ That is the only thing I find to say, because it is true and my heart is breaking, I can hear it thundering, collapsing like a dying star, you are dead, I will die, Harry has to live. I cannot withstand the thought.

I have never loved anyone better than the two of you. Apparently I never will, but at least I have known real love, the one that comes from daily life, that never dies because it is kept alive by stupid little things that make us who we are. Crazy how we only remember the little things and the big ones just go right over our heads.

I will remember the smallest things about you, like the little scar in your left eyebrow, the weird placement of your thumb on your wand, the feel of your skin against mine and the way it tanned in the summer while mine just became redder and redder, the sound of your laugh when Sirius said something funny and the way you always pushed your glasses up your nose with your middle finger, the way you sit in any chair like it’s a throne, the way you answered questions in class without raising your hand, the way you held a book open when you were reading it, your last day where you wanted to make pasta and I wanted steak, the way you would mess with your hair not because you thought it would make you look like you just stepped off your broom, but because you were nervous or restless. On your good days it would stand flatter on your head and I had to pass my hand through it because otherwise it just didn’t feel like you. You laughed too much when Sirius decided to read Crime and Punishment to Harry as a bedtime story and your son wouldn’t go to sleep. You would tell him stories of your childhood disguised as muggle magical adventures and I became a knight, Sirius a prince and Snape a dragon. You would call my cat Fiona the ginger cat, as if Fiona wasn’t enough and she needed an extra title. I guess she was royalty after all. You always tried to make me believe that she loved you more than me, even though I’d had her since I was eleven and you once made her fly across the common room just to annoy me.

Do you remember this morning? The last time you ever kissed me? You made me eggs and tea for breakfast and sang some Beatle song for me in the most off-key voice. You stole the bacon from my plate, laughing from across the dinner table. I was so happy because you were in a good mood today, you didn’t seem to feel so trapped and it was Halloween and you were trying to convince me to dress Harry up as a muggle magician, which I thought was the worst joke you’d ever made. You kissed me on the mouth and we settled on a pumpkin costume. Your lips tasted of stolen bacon and orange juice (you’ve never been much of a morning tea person).

I have never loved anyone better, and apparently I never will.

The house is so silent now that you are gone. All I can hear are my own ragged breaths. Harry seems to think this is some kind of game. He is all that we have left now. All that will ever be left of us. To love is to create, right? We have created the most beautiful person in the world, it should be the only thing that counts.

I love you. I could try to make this poetic, the love thing, but I think the most poetic way it can be is on its own. I don’t know any words more powerful than I love you. I love you and you are dead. I love you and I will die soon. I love our son and he will live. Life is as simple as that. I love you and soon we’ll be together again. Miss you already.

[personasintro]

My Tiny Secret | 09; New Place

𝑴𝒚 𝑻𝒊𝒏𝒚 𝑺𝒆𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒕 𝒅𝒓𝒂𝒃𝒃𝒍𝒆 | 09; New Place

⏤𝒔𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔; Pretty face doesn’t make it up for an ugly personality. And Kim Seokjin is the perfect proof of that.

⏤𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: seokjin x reader

⏤𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: angst, smut

⏤𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: toxic relationship, mistress au, strong language

⏤> 𝒇𝒊𝒄 𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒙

Rather than feeling excited, you feel the lamp in your throat ever since this morning with your stomach being uncomfortably clenched, caused by the nervousness and weirdness of the new situation. You try to distract yourself, pulling out your small belongings from the box and trying to find a new place to them. But you don't have that much stuff, most of it used to be Hoseok's that you just used. And now you've a whole list of things you need to buy such as shampoo, shower gel, toothpaste and bunch of other stuff.

Placing the single photo frame of you and Hoseok, right above the television which hangs on the wall, you take your time glancing at it. It's just another form of distracting yourself and from reality. It was taken a couple of years ago when you both were just careless teenagers trying to chase your dreams.

“You don't have to do this, y'know.” Hoseok mumbles, his voice laced with much more deepness than you're used to.

It lacks of cheerfulness he usually has and you know he's still not sure about your decision. But neither are you and he can probably see right through you, even though you've tried to hide it ever since you broke the news to him.

You straighten yourself, not even plastering a fake smile anymore as you turn around to look at him. He's holding Yoojin, his small body lays against his chest while Hoseok's arms are securely wrapped around his small frame. He slightly bounces him in his arms, the sight of it only makes you more emotional than you already are.

You've been thinking about Seokjin's proposal for the past two weeks, ever since he showed you the apartment you're currently standing in. At first, you were going to decline so you didn't mention anything to Hoseok. But then you noticed all the small things you've always seen but tried not to, like Hoseok's apartment isn't suitable for three people, and the one of them is a small baby. He had to work an extra hours so he could bring a food to the table, which you still feel extremely guilty about. He barely got enough time to go out, explore his new growing relationship and you were scared that you're the only thing that's preventing him from it. You're aware that he would never tell you the truth. It's your Hobi after all.

He has always cared for you more than for himself. And you were ruining him. You were ruining his life by letting him to take care of you, and now Yoojin. This was the only option, even though it's a scary one.

“I know,” you speak up, your voice is so small that you mentally curse at yourself for not trying to fake confidence. But you're tired. Tired of everything. “I think this is for the best.” you tell him honestly and he frowns at you, obviously not having the same opinion about it like you do.

“I know I've already told you this, but.. are you really sure? Isn't this just another way of showing his possessiveness?”

He's careful with his words and you know he's doing it for you. The last thing he wants is for you to feel even more down than you already are.

The first time when you told Hoseok you're going to move out, explaining him the whole situation with Seokjin, he was obviously caught off guard. He assured you, as he still did to this morning, that you don't have to leave. You had to explain to him that you don't feel like you have to, but you want to. Which wasn't a lie but not a complete truth.

“I don't know,” you tell him truthfully, frowning at nothing specific. “I thought so too, but he bought this apartment for us. It's my name on the contract, it wouldn't make any sense. If he wanted to be in charge of everything, it would be his name on it.”

It's just the recent thought you got, from the constant late night thinking about Seokjin's secret intentions. Your head throbs which is only caused by the constant thinking about his plans and intentions. He's so freaking mysterious and you've no idea who he truly is. All you know is just the Seokjin he showed you. Although, you don't think he's an actual decent human being and can show some kindness, you know there's something more to him. The way he looks at Yoojin, you know he's in charge of his emotions, that he tries to desperately cover them.

Maybe it's because of you. Maybe the reason by all of this is just because he doesn't want to show you the real him.

“I'm not sure about this but you know you can come back anytime you want. Okay?” he asks softly, his eyebrows raising and lips puckered in a pout without him realizing it.

You smile, finding him cute as you walk up to him. You caress Yoojin's small head which peacefully lays on Hoseok's chest as he squirms before he goes back to sleep.

“You've already told me that thousand times.” you remind him with chuckle, trying to somehow ease the weird tension in the room.

Hoseok smiles, but you know it's one of his sad ones because it doesn't reach his eyes.

“And I mean it. If anything goes wrong, you always have a place in my home.”

You blink, trying to hide the tears that threatens to fall. If he sees you cry, he would never leave and insist on you coming back.

“Thank you, Hobi,” you tell him softly, staring at his warm brown eyes that searches yours for any hesitation. “We'll see each other, right?”

He doesn't miss a beat, blurting 'of course' right away which brings at least some kind of relief to your wounded soul and mind.

“I'm going to miss seeing this guy everyday.” he admits, looking down at the baby in his arms as if he tries to remember every detail on his small face.

“You can see us anytime you want,” you remind him. “You can visit us anytime you want.”

“Yeah, I would rather not,” he scoffs suddenly, your mouth opening in shock as he looks at you apologetically right away. “I mean--I don't really want to bump into that asshole. I'd probably break his handsome face.”

“Did you just called his face handsome?” you joke, his eyes glaring at you.

“Let's forget I ever did that,” he mutters with a scowl plastered on his face and you giggle. “If he ever hurts you, I'm one call away.”

You know he's only looking out for you, something he has always been doing and maybe that was one of the reasons why you've decided to move out. Because you always took most of his attention, holding him back from his own life. You were a burden to him, and that's not going to change your opinion no matter how many times he tells you otherwise.

However, his words invoke a strange feeling in your chest. Surely, Seokjin hurt you like no one ever did. But some of it was only caused by your own stupidity by thinking he'd ever want something more. You know all the hatred you feel about him, is mostly caused by your stupidity and naivety. Not even that doesn't change your opinion about him. But he never physically hurt you or abused you.

Back to those times you had sex and it was more on the rougher side, he always made sure you want it. Maybe he didn't do it with love in his voice, but he still did. He still made sure you gave him a green light, so he could continue.

“He would never hurt me like that.” you decide to speak and you know you've shocked him again when he raises his brows.

“You don't know him.” he points out.

Neither do you. You want to tell him but decide not to. You're not going to stand up for Seokjin, fighting with your best friend because of him. But he's father of your child and you just had to say something.

“I don't think he would, Hobi,” you tell him softly. “He never laid a single finger on me.”

He raises his brow, mockingly looking at the baby in his arms and your cheek flush. “N-not like that!” you exclaim, growing frustrated by your best friend who only chuckles.

“I know, I know.” he says with laugh while Yoojin squirms in his spot and starts to whimper.

“Let me take him.” you reach for Yoojin, while Hoseok pouts but hands him to you anyway, before you put him to a pram.

He starts to wiggle with his small arms and legs, so you wiggle the prim's handle and he slowly drifts back to sleep.

“Um, you know that-- I just hope you don't feel like you had to move out. I know how you felt while you were living with me, like you're a burden to me. And you're not, you never were.”

You already know where this is going, he told you so many times that you know exactly where he's heading.

“Hobi,” you stop him before he can continue and make you cry. “I know. And you know exactly why I felt that way. You've your own life, Hobi. I can't allow you to raise a kid with me. I'm doing what's best for you.”

He frowns, not liking what you just said and he huffs. “We were completely fine. I know my apartment isn't this big and modern but--”

“This is not about if it's big or whatever. I just can't let you take care of me and a kid, when you barely can make it on your own.”

Hoseok has a nice office job which pays him off well, but not well enough to support a family with it. You could see how many things he had to withdraw, just so you and Yoojin could have a proper food on the table. Instead of buying a new clothes and sneakers which was his dirty pleasure, he ended up buying toys, crib and pack of pacifiers for your baby.

“That's not true!” he exclaims rather loudly and shuts his mouth when he looks at the prim where Yoojin sleeps.

You knew he had some savings and wasn't as financially unstable as you made him out to be, but you just couldn't allow him to use that money on you and your son. It was your fault you were in this situation in the first place.

“And what about Paige?” you ask with raised brow, crossing your arms over your chest once you're sure Yoojin soundlessly sleeps.

He seems to be taken back for a few seconds at the mention of his new friend, almost looks aggrieved that you brought her up. “What about her?” he grumbles, shifting his gaze on the wooden floor.

“Hobi, you've your own life. A life without me and I know that you just started to see her. As the time will go, you both will hang out at your place or hers, doesn't matter. Do you think she would be totally okay with you living with another woman with a baby on top of it?” you sarcastically chuckle at that.

He needs to see the point which he refuses every time you bring this subject. However, this is the first time you directly mentioned Paige. Of course, you've faintly mentioned his future relationship in previous conversation but he would always just dodge it right away.

“Then she's not the right one.” he says and you actually laugh at that.

“You're in denial,” you point out and he scowls again at you. “What I mean by that is-- let's just try this. Okay?” you walk closer to him, enveloping his body in a hug.

He stays like that, with his arms hanging to his sides as he debates what to do. You know he doesn't like this, you moving out, but you know it's what's best for him and you. He sighs, wrapping his arms rightly around your frame and you smile into his chest, savoring the last minutes in a hug with him.

You're going to miss seeing him every morning, or doing funny faces at very confused Yoojin. There are too many things you're going to miss about him, but this is the best decision.

At least you try to desperately persuade yourself.

Comment below if you want to be added to a taglist!

[fuckinuchihas]

So my obsession with Tsukishima does not appear to be going away so here have some like janky fake texts and a mini fic about the hell you feel when you fall in love with Tsukishima Kei.

Pairing: Tsukishima Kei x Reader

Rated: Teen and up+

Warnings: The amount of angst you’d expect to come from falling in love with an asshole...but happy endings all around! Xoxo Enjoy!

‘I’m so stupid,’ you whisper to yourself in the dark of your bedroom. ‘Stupid stupid stupid.’

Of course if Kei knew what you were really thinking he’d probably agree that you’re worse than Kageyama and Hinata combined with or without the head trauma.

What were you expecting anyway… a love confession...from Tsukishima?

He would never. 

Even if he actually liked you, even if he wanted you, he’ll never say something like that and not ever in public.

Being in love is lame, you’re lame...and that’s exactly what he’d say to you if he could read the word written on your heart.

One single word…

Kei

★・・・・・★・・・・・★・・・・・★

You do your best to put on a brave face the next day, smiling as you say hello to his mother and feel her arms wrap around you. It takes everything inside you not to break down when Akiteru does the same.

“It’s so good to have you back,” she says, patting your head.

“It’s really nice to be back, don’t have to feel homesick any more,” you lie, because being at home for you has always meant Kei and now it just feels like you’re drifting even further apart. You push away your thoughts and grin up at them. “I know, what do you think of pork and noodles for dinner tonight? It’s the least I can do after Kei picked me up from the airport yesterday.”

“You don’t have to-” he starts, but Akiteru quickly interrupts him.

“Shut up, Kei. Let them make a meal for us,” he says through his smile, “I’ve really missed your cooking.”

You smile, genuinely this time. “Well I’m happy to do it. Seriously, you’re welcome to have dinner next door any time.”

Tsukishima scoffs, but the other two grin at you so you focus on that.

Making dinner is calming, you find your peace in the kitchen even with the whirlwind of emotions that are still spinning wildly in your chest.

A constant thrum of ‘we’re just friends’ plays on loop through your head as you pour the gravy over the drained pasta.

You pull out your phone to let them know dinner is almost ready.

Part of you wishes you did have Akiteru’s number, not that you could use it. You’re trying to pretend everything is okay and Tuskishima isn’t a fucking moron so if you text his brother instead of him to say dinner is ready for the first time ever, he’s definitely going to notice something is up.

You take a deep breath and type out your message.

★・・・・・★・・・・・★・・・・・★

Surprisingly you manage to make it through dinner without too much hassle, mostly thanks to Akiteru who keeps the conversation going.

Tsukishima is quieter than usual but you try not to think too hard about it.

You’ve got to get better at this pulling away thing. No matter how much you try to distance yourself; both emotionally and physically, your heart doesn’t seem to be getting the memo.

“Thank you so much for dinner, it really was delicious. It might be my favorite so far!” Akiteru says and you grin as he wraps around you again.

“You’re welcome and I wasn’t just being polite, you can come over to eat anytime.”

“I will take you at your word, it really is good to have you home, right Kei?”

There’s a hesitation and your heart shatters in your chest. The sharp broken pieces splicing open everything they touch. Each one feels like a gaping stab wound and you’re somehow surprised that you’re not actually bleeding out on the floor.

“Of course,” he says, absentmindedly. He’s been drifting out of the conversation all night and now he’s...he’s staring you in the face and thinking of something or someone else.

“I should really get some work done but you guys have a nice night and don’t forget to save some of the leftovers for your mom, okay?”

“If I have to,” Akiteru grins, sticking his tongue out at you.

You chuckle as they move further into the doorway.

“Goodnight,” they both say, Kei’s almost whispered.

“Goodnight!”

You close the door behind them and start to clean up when there’s a loud almost violent knock on your door.

You wipe your hands off and quickly make your way to open it, only to find Kei red faced and angry on the other side.

“What happened?” you ask, looking around to see if Akiteru is with him.

“That’s what I’d like to know!”

“I don’t-what are you talking about?” you ask, racking your brain for a legitimate reason why he could be angry with you, only to come up empty.

“Every time I leave you, you say be safe... text me when you get home...but not today, not yesterday either. Not once since you got back.”

You honestly didn’t even think about it, you just... you were trying to create distance.

“I’m sorry, Tsukki. Of course I want you to be safe…”

“No, that’s-there’s something... you’re mad about the sign, I know that...I even understand why but I don’t understand this,” he says, shaking his head as a gust of cool air blows around you and you feel yourself shiver.

“Come back in, there’s no sense in catching a cold,” you answer.

Once he’s back inside you sit him on the couch and will yourself to be strong. “Tsukki I’m not mad about the sign...not really. It was funny and any other time I would have laughed but…”

“But what? What happened? What changed?”

And that’s the kicker, nothing changed. Your expectations were too high, too unrealistic, but how do you say that without admitting your feelings?

“I did, I changed Tsukki. I’m sorry that I upset you. I didn’t mean to worry you or anything, not that you’re worried, I’m just saying...I didn’t mean to inconvenience you.”

“Inconvenience me... “ he says, slowly sounding it out as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “Since when have you ever been an inconvenience?”

You sigh, realizing that you’re probably not going to escape this little conversation with your dignity intact. “Tsukki do you remember that black and white spotted stray we found when we were younger?”

“Uh, yes…”

“And how I went out and spent all of my allowance on food and toys because I just expected it would want to come home with me?”

“I don’t see what this has to do with anything but yes I remember it.”

“Well in my heart that dog was already mine, but when I tried to get it inside the house, it would yelp and run away…eventually I just had to realize that the dog wasn’t mine, he wasn’t ever going to be mine. I shouldn’t have just expected him to want to come home with me, to live in a strange place away from the things he’s always known.”

You swallow, heart pounding in your chest as you give him a minute to connect the dots.

“It hurt for a while but eventually I got over it. I will get over this too, don’t worry.”

“I’m the dog…” he says, whispering quietly. The only reason you hear it is because he sat so close.

“I’m going to finish the dishes, you can head home whenever you’re ready,” you say, squeezing his shoulder as you step away.

You barely get a couple feet when you hear a swoosh of air and you’re jerked backward a bit, tight grip on your wrist.

“Kei?”

“I’m not a dog…”

You sigh, “I know Kei, it was just-“

“I’m not a coward either,” he says, cutting you off.

“I wasn’t implying you were scared, Tsukki; only that you don’t belong to me.”

“I-“

“Kei listen I know it’s not fair that I put all of this on you, but you don’t need to feel any obligation. You’ve been the best friend I could ask for, it’s okay that you don’t feel anything beyond that. I’m the one who messed up,” you say, the emotion of it finally starting to come out through your shaky voice and the tears that threaten to spill.

“You’re the most frustrating person I’ve ever met!” he says, tightening his grip before jerking you back in against his chest. “Do I really strike you as someone to do something out of a sense of obligation or duty?”

He’s holding you against him and it feels so warm and comforting and he smells like the fabric softener sheets you used to get for his mom when you went to the store.

The dam breaks and you start crying. You start and you can’t stop, just heaving and sobbing in his arms. It hurts so much.

“I’m sorry, Tsukki. I’m sorry I’m such a loser, I’m sorry I fell in love with you, I’m sorry I couldn’t just be happy with our friendship. I'm so sorry,” you say through the tears, though it’s hardly audible.

“Never apologize for loving me,” he says, pulling away from you just enough to tilt your chin up so he can see your eyes. “After all I’m hoping you can manage to do it another seventy or eighty years.”

Your heart stutters and you gasp in surprise.

You don’t have time to really think about it before you feel his lips on yours, bruising and rough almost like a punishment.

You’re panting and trying to hold yourself up when he pulls away, staring down at you with glassy eyes. “Don’t let me hurt you like that ever again.”

He kisses the top of your head and you feel him frown. “I never imagined you would think that stupid sign meant I didn’t love you. I’m not running away, I want to be yours and for you to be mine.”

“You... you really want that? You’re not just doing this because you umm feel guilty or whatever?”

“Say that again and this time listen to yourself. I’m not the kind of guy who makes big romantic gestures, but that doesn’t mean I love you any less than someone who does.”

“I don’t need gestures. I just need this,” you say, squeezing tighter around him half afraid he’ll disappear.

“Hmm,” he hums, kissing your forehead one last time.

“It’s getting late, I should go but clear out your plans for tomorrow you’re spending time with me.”

“Okay,” you answer easily, happier than you ever thought you could be.

★・・・・・★・・・・・★・・・・・★

When Kei comes to pick you up the next morning he actually comes inside making you chuckle because you haven’t even gotten the invitation out before he pushes you gently to the side and heads straight for your bedroom.

You gasp in shock, “KEI!”

He turns to look at you and seems to just know that’s where your thoughts went and he smirks. “Not quite there yet,’ he says, teasing you in that way that warms your chest but also kinda pisses you off.

“Well then what are you doing, asshole?”

“I’m just getting a few things,” he says, like it’s not your drawers he’s rumbling through as he-packs your suitcase?

“Uhh...where exactly are we going on this date?” you ask, because you’re kinda hoping to be back before dinner time.

“Just trust me, okay?” he says, and he looks kind of...well not serious but determined so you nod quickly to reassure him.

“Okay, I’ll leave things up to you then. Please stay out of my underwear drawer, it’s the smaller middle one,” you say, before grinning and walking away.

You both trust him not to look but also don’t really mind if he does. There’s not a lot of embarrassing things in there or anything, but you doubt Tsukki is the type to investigate, at least not yet...maybe when you’re closer.

He comes out of your room straight faced and wheeling your suitcase behind him like a professional flight attendant even though one of the wheels doesn’t quite spin at the same pace as the others.

Smug fucker knows you’re impressed too.

“Are you ready to go now?” you ask, waiting for him to join you by the door.

“Yes, let’s go.”

He opens the door for you, which is new...and kind of sweet. You try very hard not to let the heat you feel crawling up your neck go all the way to your cheeks.

Then he puts your luggage in and climbs behind the wheel.

You mess with the radio just a bit but you both have similar tastes in music so he doesn’t care too much. You close your eyes for a while and just listen to the music, stealing glances at Tsukishima every now and again to remind yourself that this is real.

After a while you look up and see the road sign for NIA and you jerk forward a bit.

“Tsukki umm...I’m not questioning your judgement or anything but why are we headed to the airport exactly?”

“I thought you were going to trust me…”

“Trusting you doesn’t mean I can’t ask questions,” you say, eyeing him skeptically.

Tsukishima signed, “Don’t make me get the blindfold.”

You barely manage to stay composed at that, but you face toward the window letting the cool glass press against your burning cheeks. “Whatever you say, Tsukki.”

“Now that’s the attitude I’ve been waiting for,” he says, and you can hear his smug grin in his voice.

“I will literally leave you at the airport, don’t push me.”

He laughs, but doesn’t say anything further. It feels a little like he’s grateful for the banter, but that could just be you projecting. You love his sarcasm even when it stings; not having that, even for a couple days, felt like an eternity.

You follow instructions, however reluctantly and eventually Tsukishima pulls into the parking garage near the airport

He hands you the handle of your suitcase instead of wheeling it himself and it’s not that you really mind wheeling it but...why?

“Here, take this and wait for me near the ticket counter, okay?”

“Uhh sure...I guess,” you say, feeling more confused than ever but you told him you’d trust him so you do.

You sit there for a while, long enough for it to cross your mind that maybe he’s just left you there looking like an idiot, but you know he wouldn’t, not really. He has a sharp tongue but Kei isn’t ever intentionally hurtful, not to anyone.

There’s a few sounds, mostly shock as people turn to stare. You follow their gaze and nearly fall out of your seat when you see what they’re looking at.

Tsukishima is somehow managing to hold onto a bouquet of your favorite wildflowers, half a dozen green and gold balloons, and a sign that says, “I’m here to pick up… THE PERSON I LOVE!”

Tears stream down your face as you run and jump up against him, wrapping your arms around him as tightly as they’ll go, completely ignoring the fact that his hands are full and he can’t hold you along with everything else.

The sign drops, the balloons are released into the air and the flowers are smushed but he’s holding you, and to him, that’s the most important one of all.

★・・・・・★・・・・・★・・・・・★

MASTERLIST

[missinghan]

time lapse ⤖ seo changbin

❖ genre : idiots to lovers! au; long-distance relationship! au; fluff; a teeny tiny bit of angst

❖ word count : 14,9k.

❖ warning : explicit language, suggestive remarks & mentions of alcohol

❖ summary : you used to see Changbin as a friend until you realized that you both don’t look at each other the way best friends are supposed to. 

one.

Apparently, people like you and Changbin don’t look forward to spring breaks, ever, because you simply cannot see the point in getting pumped for the very few days of sleeping in only to dread every last moment of it. Hence, he keeps FaceTiming you every day and night with such ridiculous reasons it actually boosts your ego into thinking that he misses you. 

Oh, boy were you wrong.

But this time around, he seems so flustered and burnt up all of a sudden it makes a smirk creep its way up to your lips. Seeing him in such a vulnerable state, you’re more than satisfied like a sadistic predator. You can really use some tea right now, it’s been a little boring without any dramas other than Hyunjin being dramatic over how his hair does not look good in any way, shape or form. That alone is enough for you to throw him off a cliff because since when does Hwang Hyunjin not look good?

Changbin asks. “Have you eaten?”

“Yes, I have. You’ve been asking the same question for five minutes straight.” You roll your eyes at him in the bitchiest way possible. 

He questions subconsciously, only to have you narrow your eyes at him. “You have work tomorrow, right?”

“Bin, you have my schedule. Of course, I have work tomorrow.” You utter in disbelief. 

“Can’t I just make up excuses to call my favorite girl?”

You make a gagging noise. “Cut the bullshit. Spill or I’m gonna whip out the big gun.” 

“And what is that?” He drawls the question in boredom. 

You grin at him coyly. “I’m gonna tell Chan to poison you with cilantro.” If Changbin had to choose between eating cilantro and jumping into a tank full of sharks, he’d definitely, without a second thought, sleep with those horrifying fishes with ridiculously deadly teeth. He hates cilantro with an ignited passion, and he’s entitled to that decision for the rest of his life. He’s sworn that he would never eat cilantro as long as he lives. 

“Fine,” Changbin huffs in defeat as he holds his phone up while lying on his bed. “I need your help.”

You twirl the end of your hair dreamily and acknowledge his request. “I like the sound of that, go on.” 

He shoots you a dirty look, proceeding to continue. “How do I get a girl to notice my feelings for her?” 

His words strike through your eardrums like a lightning bolt. You don’t know whether you should be crying or laughing because 1) Changbin was never the kind of guy to be interested in having a girlfriend, he has always kept his hands to himself since forever although girls were more than ready to throw themselves at him anytime, anywhere; 2) How come he has never talked to you about this? You feel utterly betrayed because the key to having a long-distance relationship is to not hide anything from each other. And he’s doing the exact opposite of that; 3) You don’t feel as happy for him as you’re supposed to and now you feel like a horrible friend. 

“Oh-my-god.” You gasp scandalously. “I’ve been waiting for this day to come my entire life! And it’s happening right in front of my eyes! It’s actually happening! Wait… did you already pop your cherries or…” When Changbin looks like he’s about to put your head on a stick, you quickly realize that you should have just focused on the topic. 

He fakes a smile. “And what day is that?” 

“The day that my best friend asks for relationship advice from me! To finally embrace the most amazing thing to happen in life, called ‘love’! Duh.” You prop your head onto your hand, blowing a few strands of hair out of your face. “So, who is she?” 

“I don’t know if you can really help me Y/N but she’s like 5,000 miles away from me right now—“

“What did you just say?” You cut him off unintentionally. “Is she an exchange student?”

“Yeah? You can say so..” He trails off and scratches the nape of his neck sheepishly. “We met on Tinder and got to see each other later at a uni conference, and she’s really—“

You cut him off again, this time, it’s intentional. “Run, just run away.”

“Why?” He looks at you weirdly. “You’re not making any sense right now.”

You chuckle creepily, making him shudder. He’s never seen you laughing in such a dark tone it makes him wonder if you’ve been possessed or not. “Running away is actually a smart move, my friend. Just get yourself out of the war before there’s blood on those precious fingers of yours. Exchange students get all the attention. Guys or girls, doesn’t matter. Students are gonna be attracted to them like a bunch of moths to a tiny spark of flame.”

“But, but—“

You stop him before he can even say something stupid. “No but. And a long-distance relationship too? Not ideal. You can’t just slide into her DMs and ask her to be with you when you’ve only met twice. Unless her feelings aren’t necessarily not mutual. But yeah, I doubt that.” 

“Whatever, I might as well just gonna fly home and watch some shitty movies with you instead.” Changbin purses his lips in boredom and runs a hand through his hair. “Do you wanna watch that zombie movie still? Zombieland right?” 

You nod eagerly because gosh, after months and months, he still remembers. It’s one of those little moments which perfectly showcases how much Changbin cares about you. Because unlike some people, he actually pays attention to what you’re saying. And you would be lying if you said that those little actions of his never made your heart tingle. They do, and it sucks. 

“Damn right, I’m pumped for the sequel, never really got the chance to watch it since college has been nothing but a bitch to me.” 

“You’re so fucking spoiled, Beastie.” He snickers, biting back a smile. But deep down, you can clearly see right through his facade and feel the slight disappointment in his brown eyes. Exchange student or not, if it’s what makes him happy, then you fully support his decision. And if that girl ever tries to pull a dirty move on him? You’ll hunt her down and sell her off to some random mafia organization. 

You laugh wholeheartedly, trying to lighten up the mood. “Listen, if you kept scrolling through Tinder, having a girlfriend wouldn’t be a problem. Because I’m pretty sure there’s not gonna be a single person who’d not swipe right.” 

Changbin cocks a brow. “Why not?”

“Because you’re hot as shit!”

He groans loudly at your bold statement, cheeks tinted pink in embarrassment. “Shut up, mom.” 

You smile cheekily at him. “Love you too, honey boo.”

two.

As much as you clown Changbin for using Tinder since the day he asked you for dating advice, you can’t help but think that you’re a little bit lonely without his company. Funny enough, you also found yourself scrolling through the infamous app for hours and hours until there’s a match. 

The only thing that’s funnier than Changbin asking dating advice from a total fetus than you is you talking big games to him when you haven’t even got laid, not even once. So obviously, you’re so close to pissing your pants as you dread the drive to your date, tremendously. 

“Since when did you even start using dating apps?” Yeji scrunches her nose in disapproval as she starts the engine. You both just finished watching ‘Dolittle’ since Robert Downey Jr. is an icon and you’re not planning on missing out on any of his movies. But that’s not the point because the point is, your roommate knows your impulsive ass too well. Meaning, she’s not letting your day end without giving you something to feel better about it. More straight forward-ly, she’s trying to lighten up your mood before your date can piss you off. 

You singsong, trying to wiggle yourself out of the situation. “Since Seo Changbin asked me about a girl.” You know Yeji just as well as how she knows you, so you’re taking advantage of her carelessness to bring up a whole new topic before she can lure you into ‘the talk’. 

Yeah, ‘the talk’, sounds scary enough if you’re thinking about that one awkward, intimate conversation with parents about how babies are made. You think it’s utterly useless since society is basically corrupted and kids these days are all over the place, watching porns left and right with their parents’ IDs. So having ‘the talk’ with Yeji is definitely not gonna be full of questionable statements in replacement for making love. 

As far as you know, she only forces someone into ‘the talk’ with her when they suddenly have some kind of romantic interest in another human being. Upon hearing that, she’s gonna be out and about, playing the role of God and telling people all of the do-s and don’t-s along with a detailed description of how she’s gonna drag that person to the very bottom of hell if they end up breaking their heart. You’re sure as hell that you’re not ready to talk about it with her. In other words, you’re not ready for her to torment you about some boy that you haven’t even met. 

“Seo Changbin, dating someone?” Yeji fakes a gasp. “Wow, tell me all about it.” 

You roll your eyes at her. “So you knew?” 

You don’t know why you’re even surprised anymore since Changbin tells Hyunjin everything who’d spill everything to Ryujin for their midnight gossip session who’d complain about it to Yeji later on. The cycle is fully completed before you even know it and that does not make you feel any less of a dumbass. 

“Duh,” She purses her lips before making a turn at the second intersection. “Listen, just enjoy your date, I’m not gonna tease you about it until you tell me how much of an asshole that guy is.” 

You sigh in relief, drowning into your seat like a jellyfish. “Thank God.”

“But,” Your roommate drawls the word for a painfully long time. “Can we just talk about how it’s such a shame? You and Changbin would make an extremely adorable couple, right? I kid you not.”

You choke on your own saliva, coughing furiously as your hand desperately tries to roll down the window for some fresh air, mainly for the heat that’s slowly creeping up on the apples of your cheeks. “Who would ship me and my best friend together? That sounds like every drama to ever exist. Ew.” Hissing at her like a snake, you repeatedly fan your face with the hope to rid off the annoying coral tint. 

Yeji narrows her eyes at you and quickly diverts her attention back on the road because no one is getting pulled over on a gorgeous Saturday night, at least not her. She still has to finish the last episodes of the drama she’s been fangirling over. “So you’re telling me that you’re not jealous when Changbin told you about other girls? You’re totally, absolutely, entirely okay with him hanging out with some random chick in Italy?” 

It makes your blood boil even more when she mentions the fact that yes, Changbin is having fun with someone who’s probably ten thousand times hotter than you in Europe, but you’re more pissed off at the fact that she’s always right. Of course, you’re fucking jealous, why wouldn’t you? You can’t even fathom the sheer fury that’s running through your veins. Your heart is pumping pure exasperation into your brain. Even your liver can’t filter such anger. You hate the idea of Changbin wrapping his arms around someone other than you so much you’d rather choke yourself to death than even glance at such sight. 

But, for the sake of a completely normal conversation, your mouth says otherwise. “Why not? He’s not my property, I don’t get to decide who he falls in love with. Moreover, he deserves someone he truly adores. That’s not my business for all I know.” 

“Liar,” Yeji smirks. “Enjoy your date all you want, Y/N. Try not to think about Changbin too much or your date’s gonna flip.”

Again, you can’t stress enough how annoying Hwang Yeji is because somehow, in which you still don’t know how, she can read your mind in a snap of a finger. So it’s no surprise for her to know that you’ve actually thought about dating your own best friend before. It sounds so cliché you might bury yourself alive if you accidentally slip one day and confess your stupid feelings for him. As if on cue, your sixth sense is currently tingling, trying to tell you that you will definitely make a fool of yourself as you try to elaborate on how you feel about Changbin. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” You sneer sarcastically at her as she parks her white Rover right in front of the restaurant. 

The moment you step out of her car, Yeji tosses you a look. “Don’t you dare trip on me Lee freaking Y/N, don’t even try it.”

“I’ll have Minho pick me up, now skittle outta here.” You grimace before shutting the door close. Turning on your heels, you inhale sharply and push the glass door open to enter what seems like literal hell on Earth for the next four hours or so. 

three.

Being on an actual date reminds you of why you never even use dating apps in the first place. 

The only part that prevents you from running away is that Yeji has his dating profile. She knows his number, his occupation, his face, and all that jazz because meeting strangers for the very first time and already eating out with them gives you every right to be paranoid. But you’re not gonna tell him that because you still respect him just fine. And in case he’s acting all sketch, you’re gonna make sure that he’s not going home in one piece. 

Okay, you can’t just blame Jaemin because he’s not an asshole. He really isn’t. He’s a nice guy in general: respectful, confident, and outgoing with a good sense of humor. Respectful? Checked. Confident? Checked. Good sense of humor? Checked. Outgoing? That’s the dealbreaker right there. You don’t hate him for it, it’s just he’s too outgoing for an introverted potato like you. 

Both Jaemin and Changbin have very strong personalities like every Leo should. You’re most definitely not an astrology nerd but you’re educated enough to know that Leos are dramatic, warm-hearted, passionate and impulsive. 

In which, Changbin makes you laugh your ass off until you can’t even breathe whenever he’s whining about you waking him up at 9 a.m. But you gave Jaemin nothing but a scrunch of your nose when he yelped out loud as his mashed potato was too hot. And you kindly offered to finish it for him after knowing that he can’t have dairy products. Changbin’s managed to get you out of the house every weekend even when it’s a simple trip to the mall and whereas, Jaemin makes you feel more of a voiceless being when he continuously brings up one topic after another at the literal speed of light. You almost miss how you can just throw out the most random sentence without being afraid of someone judging you. 

Clearly, Jaemin isn’t the one to blame here. 

Admittedly, it’s just a ‘you’ problem. 

And even more admittedly, it’s just because Na Jaemin is being himself, and will always be himself. He’s never gonna be, and will never be Seo Changbin. 

Seriously, what’s up with Changbin taking over your mind today?

“Do you perhaps wanna watch a movie after dinner— you’re not listening to me, aren’t you?” Jaemin stops mid-sentence when he catches your dreamy expression, for the fifth time that night. 

You quickly regain your composure and sigh in defeat. “Fine, you got me. Again.” Burying your face into your palms, you’re practically choking on your own frustration because you don’t wanna lash out on him just because he’s not your type. “Ugh, I’m sorry, okay? I’ve never been on a date with a stranger before. Who’d have thought talking on texts was so much easier?” 

Jaemin props his head on his hand and makes eye contact with you. He breaks it after a good five seconds to catch you off guard, slowly processing his current thoughts like a lawyer in court. “Let me guess, you’re in a long-distance relationship with someone but since they’ve been away for quite some time, you got bored. So that leads to you, drum rolls, hopping on Tinder to find a one night stand.” He closes in proudly, a triumphant smirk painted on his slightly chapped lips. 

For the first time after hours of dreading Minho to come and pick you up as soon as possible, you can finally let go and have a good laugh. It’s like the pressure of being on a date is gladly lifted off your shoulders and you feel like you’re just catching up with an old friend. Which is weird because Changbin— Would it kill to stop thinking about Changbin for once in your life you dumbhead?

“And how did you know that?” You smile at Jaemin, deciding to focus on him for the rest of the night so that he doesn’t think you’re disrespecting him. A date is still a date. Even when the feelings aren’t mutual, the amount of respect should be.

He slowly takes a sip of his water and chews on his steak after. “Not to be creepy but when you went to use the restroom, a notification showed up and I saw your lock screen. He looks like one of those hot SoundCloud rappers who manages to stay anonymous under their stage name even when they’re mad famous. You know, cool people making dope music without being too problematic like ‘real’ celebrities.” Jaemin says it with such admiration you’re nearly more than ready to rant about how talented of a music prodigy your best friend is. But for the sake of him being your best friend, you’re not gonna do that. Yet. 

“We’re not dating, just childhood best friends.” 

He wiggles his eyebrows at you with mischief laced in his brown eyes. “You have a thing for him then. Aha! I knew it! All best friends are obligated to be together, it’s an unwritten norm of the universe.” Wow, just when you thought that no one would know about your feelings for Changbin other than your annoying, chaotic friend group. 

“In my defense, he was the one who set that photo as my lock screen.” You grunt under your breath but don’t even try to hide it. “I shouldn’t have swiped right.”

“Be grateful that you did.” Jaemin inhales the last bits of his dish with satisfaction, dabbing the sauce on his lips away with a napkin. “Because not only am I paying for the meal, I’d love to meet up again to hear you ramble about the boy on your phone. As friends. Also because you totally saved my lactose intolerant ass back there.” He declares loud and clear, smiling from ear to ear. 

You roll your eyes at him in slight annoyance. “Fine, but I’m paying for the movie tickets.”

Jaemin extends his fist. “Frozen 2? I know a place that’s having it tonight.”

“You got it, broski.” You chuckle and bump your fist with his while your heart is yelling at you to get the fuck out of this restaurant because you’re about to suffocate yourself with the amount of painstakingly awkward silence that this place possesses. 

Before you even know it, you’re walking out of the Hilton Hotel with an empty bucket of popcorn in your arms as Jaemin hogs two cups of Coke which are left with nothing but ice cubes right beside you. It’s like the whole being too cautious thing that’s been driving you insane has disintegrated into literal dust. Watching a movie with Jaemin feels like you’re babysitting your non-existent little brother while your parents are out of town and Minho is bar-hopping with the guys. Except for the fact that he gave you his hoodie because the cinema’s ACs are ridiculously cold as always. But it’s really nice, actually, because although the date didn’t turn out how you expected it to be, you did make a new friend. 

That rarely happens so you’re definitely giving yourself a pat on the shoulder. 

“The plot was kinda messy, don’t you think?” You ask him after tossing the bucket into a nearby trash can. 

Jaemin nods in acknowledgment and swings an arm around your shoulder. “It was all over the place, I’m with you all the way. And Elsa in that purple dress too? Yikes.”

You laugh with him, continuing the conversation with much less ‘watch what you’re saying’ and more ‘actually enjoy the date for the sake of it’ until you both reach the parking lot. “Drive safe and text me when you’re home, okay?” You remind him like the bossy person that you are as you pull out your phone from your purse. 

“You’re not my mom.” Jaemin snickers and his fingers hover above the tips of his keys inside his pocket. “Wait, your brother’s picking you up right?”

[9:35 p.m.]

y/n | hey, pick me up already. 

meanhoe | sorry sis, I’m a bit occupied over here. 

meanhoe | just call a ride home or smth.

[9:36 p.m.]

y/n | LEE MINHO ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

y/n | do you have the slightest idea about how many serial killers are lurking the streets, waiting for girls like me to fall right into their traps?

meanhoe | paranoid.

[9:37 p.m.]

meanhoe | let me tell you about how Han Jisung is taking a nap on my lap rn.

meanhoe | in graphic details.

[9:38 p.m.]

y/n | or I can just tell you about that time when mom and dad found you right next to a trash can on a sidewalk instead? 

y/n | it’s a very lovely story, trust me.

[9:39 p.m.]

meanhoe | ugh, what do you want?

y/n | nothing, Jaemin will drive me home.

y/n | goodnight.

[ 9:40p.m. ]

meanhoe | hey! I can make it up to you still!

y/n | I SAID GOODNIGHT.

You toss your phone back into your purse in pure disappointment. And with a prolonged sigh, you turn to Jaemin. “He abandoned me. Can you give me a ride home?”

He cackles at the scowl on your face and gestures you towards the seat next to the shotgun window. “Hop in.”

four.

“Wow,” Minho utters. “Just wow.” 

“It’s you again, why am I still surprised at this point?” 

He grins coyly and slips the keys into his pocket before running a hand through his bed head. Chuckling creepily, he watches as Changbin struggles to roll both of his suitcases across the bumpy surface of your front porch. “You left my sister crying with a bucket of ice-cream for Italy. How does that feel? You know, to finally be free from her ?” Minho inquires with an amused smile. “But on a serious note, she missed you, very much so. Did you even tell her about this?

“Minho, it’s supposed to be a surprise. Do I have to translate ‘surprise’ into whatever the fuck of a language that all snakes speak in general or you’re fully capable of doing that yourself? Also, it would be so incredibly kind and generous of you to actually comprehend my messages.” 

Minho chuckles and leans back against the wall comfortably. “Why not move back here then? Aren’t you done with your degree already? Or did Italy blind you with their good food and hot girls? You’re quite qualified to be my roommate.” He drags the last part. “Just wish you didn’t have to give me that attitude whenever I’m trying to start a civil conversation.” 

Changbin scoffs at him, clearly uninterested. And Minho’s definition of a civil conversation just concerns him even more. “I have enough qualities to be your roommate? Let me guess, smart ?” 

“Secretly a nerd.” Minho tuts. 

Changbin shoots him a dirty look. “Composed?”

“I’d say indifferent and stubborn.” 

“Brave enough to kill some stupid bugs for you?” 

Minho rolls his eyes. “More like painstakingly reckless.”

“You literally fell off the couch when Jeongin accidentally popped a balloon with his pen.” 

A smirk blooms on his lips. “But you gave him an entire lecture about why he shouldn’t bring pens to a party. Inspiring leadership.”

“Looks good in black?”

Minho looks unimpressed. “Everyone looks good in black you moron.”

“Then why the fuck are you trying to pull me into your system?!” Changbin throws his hands upwards, a frustrated groan escapes his lips. “You know I hate commitments. They give me anxiety. Especially when it involves you.” Which is not entirely correct because he did have a date last week or should have had a date last week. He was so close to pissing himself in the middle of a Michelin rated restaurant. But lucky him, his date flaked out on him before he could start having a full-on mental breakdown inside the restroom. 

A glint of curiosity ignites in Minho’s orbs. “Because you absolutely have no life whatsoever.” He starts calmly, going back and forth within the limited space of the hallway. “And don’t even get me started about your love life. It’s drier than Chan’s attempt at making macarons. Oh and remind me, did your goldfish die or did you kill him? Did he die or was he killed? Or was it both?” He taunts further, and further, and further until he’s hanging on that weird borderline between having Changbin lunge at him like a predator and succeeding at luring him back to Seoul. “I’m being as kind as my mind can possibly allow without a drop of caffeine so you better take it while you’re at it.”

Changbin is fuming with nothing but pure anger. He’s so fucking close to crush every single strand of liveliness left inside of the man in front of him until he turns white like a complete ghost. But he’s also convinced that Lee Minho is just a non-biological heir of the Angel of Death. Hence, getting rid of him is impossible. “Come over here and make me.” Crossed arms, he’s determined to not leave the city without at least throwing a punch at Minho’s ridiculously perfect face. 

“What are you? Four?”

Changbin stops himself from throwing hands at him and turns on his heels. “Nothing, it’s just that I don’t really like you all that much.” He makes his way to the kitchen, tossing his black beanie onto the counter. 

“Yeah, me neither.”

He protests triumphantly. “See?”

“Listen up you man child,” Minho grits and walks behind him through the living room, passing by a hungover Jisung with Woojin on top of him at an unusually persistent pace that seems to cover up the bubbling anger inside his stomach. “Would you stop what you’re doing and listen to me when I’m trying to prove my own point? I’ve known you for all my life—“

Changbin interrupts him. “Those times when you passed by me at the library and made fun of me for studying for finals in high school? Doesn’t count.”

Minho hides behind a rather cheerful voice, his stare colder than an ex-wife’s fighting for custody over her child in court. “That doesn’t matter! Y/N went out with some guy last night and even let him drive her home. I don’t even know if she’s okay or not since she wouldn’t pick up for the past hour. And I just can’t let those two idiots at home alone, completely unaware of their surroundings.” Changbin shoots him a weird look and he quickly brushes it off with a click of his tongue. “Don’t ask.” 

Changbin chokes on the can of Coke that he just grabbed from the fridge. “Wait, so she’s not here?”

“She moved in with Yeji months ago in an apartment near college, didn’t she tell you ?”

“No?” He raises a brow. “And what date? Who? How? Where? When?” 

Changbin’s starting to panic a little bit because if you were to be on a date, you’d most likely hide in the restroom just to text him for a good five minutes. Very much like him. Anyway, he’s also quite concerned about the fact that you didn’t reply to Minho’s texts all morning. Maybe he’s overthinking again but he knows that you’ve forced yourself to be a morning person even when it’s the holiday since you don’t wanna dread bringing back your old habits when a new semester hits. 

Minho drums his fingers against the dining table. “Who? Some boy called Jaemin? How? Tinder. Where? The Hilton Hotel. When? Last night until almost 10 I believe.”

Now Changbin’s fully entered panic mode because since when did you even use Tinder? And not tell him about it too? What if you’re already kidnapped and sold to some creepy people from China to make profits off your organs? “That’s it. Give me her address, I’ll go.” He drops his backpack onto the floor and grabs his coat, downing the last few drops of his beverage in a rush. As soon as Minho texts him your address, Changbin dashes straight through the front door like a tornado to the point that it has Woojin facepalming himself on Minho’s dad’s old carpet. 

“My job here is done.” Minho cracks his knuckle and takes a seat at his family’s dining table, picking up his phone only to receive a text from you. 

[8:23 a.m.]

y/n | ugh, is your friend gonna come over to pick up the speaker or what? it’s been fifteen minutes.

y/n | and what’s his name again? Jackson?

meanhoe | yeah, he’ll be there in ten.

meanhoe | eat a chill pill sis, I’m in charge.

five.

You frown furiously at the series of messages that you and your brother have been sending each other for the past ten minutes. Something smells fishy, and you can already see that stupid, self-indulging smirk spread across his face without him being right next to you. But then again, no one really knows what’s going on inside that disturbing glimpse of thing called ‘a brain’ inside his head because magically, and spontaneously, everything works out whenever he’s in charge. 

Except when he’s in the kitchen with Jisung and Hyunjin as his cannot-be-anymore-useless vice-cooks, aka when they’re holding onto each other for dear life the moment Minho cracks an egg onto a heated pan with oil boiling along the edges. 

“Ugh, Yeji! It’s supposed to be your turn to do laundry, you ass.” You repeatedly hit your roommate’s sleeping figure with a pillow, slightly mad at the fact that she’s still in bed when you’re done with grocery shopping. Sometimes you wonder if her only talent is sleeping through earthquakes. Maybe that’s how she has mad stamina and can still do a decent thirty minutes of cardio after dance practice. 

Yeji mumbles nonsense into her pillow and slaps your hand away only to bury herself under the wool blanket again. It takes every strand of energy left inside of you to pull the soft fabric over her head and onto the floor it goes. “Why are you making such a fuss out of me forgetting to do laundry ?” She sits up grudgingly like a zombie digging itself up from its own grave and yawns obnoxiously. 

You blink numerous times at her in disbelief. “Uhm, hello? Because I don’t have anything to wear? And also, FYI, it’s almost ten, okay? Wake up Sleeping Beauty. Prince Charming isn’t available today.” 

“Shut the fuck up!” She whines loudly before dropping onto her backside in defeat. “You’ve never binge-watched any dramas before, you’d never get it.” Hey, it’s not your fault she chose to stay up until 3 a.m. for a stupid drama. You’re not gonna tolerate her complaints about migraines after having lunch, not this time. 

“Besides,” She glances at you before throwing an arm over her head dramatically. “You look good in that hoodie, where did you get it?” 

You grab various pieces of clothing dangling off of her bed and her beige-colored computer chair as you ponder about your life choices. “Na Jaemin, who else? God, and I need to give it back to him too.” 

Yeji teases. “Are you making an excuse to meet him again?”

“We didn’t click, that’s all I have to say.” A smirk finds its way to your lips. “I basically adopted him now, so yes, I am making an excuse to meet him again because a mother has every right to see their son.” 

“You’re so weird.” Your roommate purses her lips before turning her back against you. 

You scroll through your feed in pure boredom. “What do you want for lunch? Wait, it’s too early for lunch, what about brunch?”

“Anything will do.” Yeji shrugs, not even trying to get out of bed when it’s already 9 a.m. So naturally, you’re already facepalming yourself at her questionable sleeping habits. 

Now, where is that guy Jackson?

As if on cue, your doorbell rings. You’re dead meat to me. You roll up your sleeves and put on your ‘formally serious’ face before grabbing the tote bag right beside your couch. Without even checking who’s there through the peephole, you swing the door open in a rush. “Look, Jackson, I’m really not in the mood to invite you inside for tea nor biscuits so just take the speaker and—“

“Y/N, I don’t need a speaker, stop bombarding me with information that my brain can’t even comprehend. And who the hell is Jackson?” Changbin puts his hands up as if you’re holding him at gunpoint. And you almost laugh out loud at how he looks like he just found out Trump is president, he— wait, Changbin’s here?

You subconsciously drop the speaker without noticing that you might break something before Jackson actually gets here. “You came back?!” Your mouth automatically goes agape, utterly speechless. 

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” He chuckles when you crash yourself into his embrace as an attempt to hide your teary eyes. Meeting Changbin in person again feels like a rollercoaster full of mixed emotions, you have so many things to say but nothing comes out right. Maybe it’s best if you just keep your mouth shut for the time being. 

And thank God he still smells the same and doesn’t shower himself in ridiculously expensive cologne like other guys because you’d disown him if he starts smelling like a Tommy Hilfiger store. Changbin gently wraps his arms around your waist, rocking you from side to side. “You missed me that much huh?” Suddenly tongue-tied, he’s officially lost the ability to form a proper sentence when you hold onto him so tightly, so desperately. 

When you pull away, you don’t even know what to say when so many things are running through your mind at the speed of light. After all those years, he’s changed. Yes, people change. But Changbin changed, for the better. He looks impeccable even in a simple black t-shirt with a grey bomber jacket thrown over his figure. Wait, has he been hitting the gym? You swear, last time you saw him he was five times smaller. His jawline can now cut you too apparently. Years of friendship and you just found out your best friend is an actual health freak. 

“As if..” You sniffle into the crook of his neck, tears continuously streaming down on your cheeks. Eventually, you give in. “Fine, I did miss you.” 

Changbin laughs wholeheartedly, sending vibration throughout your entire body. “Missed you too, Beastie.”  And it’s there again, that fuzzy feeling tickling the pit of your stomach. It feels wrong, and your heart knows that too well. To the point that you’re afraid of your own feelings for him, that you’d hurt him, or he’d hurt you. You just can’t decide if confessing to him is worth the risk of destroying your friendship forever. But it’s most definitely not. Maybe it’s better this way. 

“Wait,” Changbin scrunches his nose and pulls away. “You smell like a guy.” Then something rings a bell inside of him. “Right, you went on a date with some cute boy without telling me? Explain yourself.” 

You scratch the nape of your neck sheepishly, slightly embarrassed. “Well… long story short, I got bored and downloaded Tinder. He was cute, but not compatible.” 

“There you are, what took you so long?” Yeji pops her head out of her bedroom, almost giving you a heart attack. 

You toss her a look. “What do you mean ‘what took you so long? Did you know? Again ?” And she nods apologetically. “Why the fuck do I feel so left out right now? Are you guys setting me up for something sketchy? Who’s in charge?” 

“Your brother, obviously.” 

You step aside so that Changbin can walk into your living room before shutting the front door closed. “Zip it, he’s adopted.” 

six.

Kim Woojin, as always, throws his annual ‘welcome back’ BBQ party whenever someone returns from a long trip for a fairly long time. Of course, he would never leave Changbin hanging. 

Which, also means you’re obligated to accept the fact that he just single-handedly dragged you out of your apartment with the most minimal of physical effort. So now you’re stuck inside his stupid kitchen, with your siblings (no not Minho, not that heathen), potatoes. You look so incredibly alike your brother might actually be whatever with the harsh truth that you can’t stop taunting him about how he’s adopted. 

Anyway, because you’ve always been terrified about the thought of accidentally having your sleeves caught on fire, Chan just shooed you back inside to work on the potato salad. And the worst part of making a potato salad? Peeling the skin. Seriously, you’d marry someone who invented an automatic potato peeler, that’d be godsend privilege. 

The saying goes : ‘When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade’. Likewise, but in your case, it’s : ‘When life makes you cook, get yourself a best friend who’s good at it instead’. Problem solved. Changbin might not be as great as *snorts* Minho, but he did manage to survive multiple months in Italy without spending too much money eating out when he’s very, absolutely, entirely financially capable of doing that for the rest of his life. He appreciates home-cooked food because of the process, the time, the effort, the love that every family member (or one family member) put into the dishes. And it may not be something that’s Gordon Ramsay-approved, but gathering around at the same table gives people the chance to catch up, to communicate, to care more. 

And what does that mean? Well, that means when Changbin, fortunately, makes it out of the war zone in Woojin’s backyard where Hyunjin is chasing Jisung with a dead spider between his metal tong, he finds out that he just, in fact, got himself into another disaster. Bits of potatoes’ skin is everywhere, scattered randomly from the kitchen aisle to the wooden cutting board. Bottles of mayonnaise and mustard are lying lifelessly across the dining table, saucing dripping from the opened caps. And jars of different spices look like they just got dumped into one big bucket, mixed together, and then carefully divided them evenly into each one again. Changbin is utterly alarmed right now and he can’t decide whether he should be helping you or just run away. But since it’s you, he can’t simply turn on his heels and leave because chances are, you’re gonna fucking stab him in his sleep. 

“Woah, who did you kill ?” He gasps, taking slow strides toward your figure standing at the kitchen aisle. 

You blow a few strands of loose hair out of your face, crying dramatically. “My sanity, it’s long gone.” You tell him as you try to stir the mixture of mayonnaise, paprika, apple cider vinegar, celery seeds, mustard, and sweet pickle relish in a stainless steel bowl with a wooden spoon, trying hard not to ruin Jaemin’s favorite hoodie. “And if you’re not planning on giving me a hand, then the exit is right that way. No one’s stopping you.” 

Changbin shakes his head at you in disapproval for a hot minute before pulling your hair free from the loose bun, accidentally dousing himself in the more than familiar scent of your shampoo. Fresh, and a bit pepperminty, he missed this so much it’s starting to get creepy. Basically his heart just swells, but he’s gonna choose to be in denial like usual. “Better get your hair out of your face first.” He says and effortlessly puts your messy, black mop of hair into a high ponytail. It’s not like he hasn’t done this before because Changbin tends to play with your hair a lot while you’re both on a Netflix marathon. But this time, you didn’t know what it was, but the moment the tips of his fingers brushed past your bare skin, they sent electricity down your spine and goosebumps rose on your skin. The fact that your little heart feels like it’s running on a treadmill for hours doesn’t make it easier to deny how much he can affect you without even trying.

“Why are you still wearing that hoodie ?” Changbin points out, confused. 

You answer monotonously, still mad at your roommate. “Because Yeji forgot to do laundry. So I have nothing to wear.” You hate her even more now because she’s probably gonna be out and about, going to questionable parties with Ryujin until dawn and asking for a cup of water when she gets back home on your bean bag chair. “I’m gonna have to return it to Jaemin soon.” 

Changin snickers. “Yeah, you better.” He finishes chopping up the hard-boiled eggs, celery, sweet onions, and fresh dill, dropping the ingredients into the dressing that you just made. 

“So,” You walk over to the dining table to grab the bowl of chopped potato. “How did your date go? Was she cute or did she look like a potential serial killer? Wait, serial killers can look cute.” You shiver at the thought of losing your best friend in some foreign country because someone can literally be kidnapped in a span of fifteen to twenty seconds. So you don’t see the point of being ashamed about always being paranoid. 

Changbin helps you pour the dressing over the potato before stirring the goodness together with a wooden spoon. “Ah, that,” He scratches the nape of his neck sheepishly. “She’s okay I guess. But you never know, talking over text is always easier.” 

You decide to let Changbin finish up the dish and grab some paper towels to wipe down the table and counter. “So you guys never met up ?”

He looks hesitant to tell you. “Technically, we were gonna see each other every day because of the internship but I guess no? Our schedules aren’t exactly compatible. Maybe I’ll just ask her out again when I fly back.” 

You stop cleaning up the mess on the kitchen aisle and turn your attention onto your best friend. He’s nibbling on his bottom lips, guilt is evident in his eyes. 

“What internship?” You ask. 

seven.

Seo Changbin used to have ( and still has ) a soft spot for you. And everyone knows that all too well. 

He wasn’t kidding when he said that you’re his favorite girl. He wasn’t kidding when he said that he’d take a bullet for you. But you kinda wish that he was because falling in love with your childhood best friend just sounds so wrong on so many levels altogether. Jaemin night be right, it is written in the stars for some people to fall in love with their best friend but that life is not for you. There’s just something about the idea of Changbin and you as lovers that twists an immediate knot in your stomach. Sometimes you wish he doesn’t have to be so affectionate towards you so that you can give up on the one thing that’s holding you back : false hope. 

He would always drag you out of bed in the middle of the night to watch the stars and talk with him even when you guys were practically inseparable. Your group of friends constantly tells you that Changbin could never keep his hands to himself when it comes to you but realistically, he’s just a secretly clingy person who loves cuddling. But those little moments where you guys were sharing the same bed, snuggling into each other’s presence like it’s the last sense of comfort in the entire world were the ones you cherish the most. They can make you smile stupidly to yourself all day. 

And Changbin never failed to surprise you too. He once made the whole fancy breakfast in bed with flowers that only happens in movies and you couldn’t stop talking about it. Even ‘till this day, you still can’t shut up about it. He only brushed it off and told you that he wanted to spoil you since it’s your birthday but you took it as something much more than just a birthday present. Because those little actions of his are what set your heart on fire and you feel like it could combust anytime if he keeps looking at you so tenderly all the time.

Changbin isn’t a man of many words because he truly believes that actions speak louder than words. At least for him, his actions are much more powerful than his words. But that doesn’t mean his words never had any kind of effect on you. Because they did, greatly. You still remember how you’d always wake him up in the middle of the night because your stupid brain cells decided to give you a mental breakdown after bottling feelings up for so long. But Changbin didn’t just scold you for keeping everything to yourself, he did something else much more magical and much more comforting than any advice you could ever have. 

He’s written plenty of songs for you before, and you can still vividly hear the familiar melodies every now and then whenever you’re in a really dark place. 

It felt like a tight hug when you were all alone and in distress. But what sucks is that it makes you miss him even more. Where in the world is he? What is he doing? Does he have a decent life? Moreover, is he happy? You were always worried sick about Changbin because he’s that type of guy who works his ass off for things that he’s passionate about but he’d be willing to do something else for others because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Hence, upon hearing about him turning down an internship just to fly back, you didn’t know what to say or think. 

You yell at Changbin. “Are you out of your mind?!” 

He huffs in disbelief. “I’m a fully grown man who has every right to make my own decisions so I chose to visit my friends instead of torturing myself inside a studio. Yeah, sue me!”

“Do you have any idea how many opportunities and chances that internship would bring? There’s no need for you to do that just because of us!”

Changbin points out snarkily. “Well, you were the one who decided to call me at 3 a.m. every single day, complaining about your insomnia and shit.”

You gasp scandalously. “Why are you even saying that? It’s like you don’t even know me! I’m trying to put your benefits before mine, why is it so hard to understand that? Are you trying to say that I’m the bad guy in this conversation?”

“Maybe you are,” He says through gritted teeth. “Likewise, I’m trying to put my friends first instead of locking myself up within four soundproof walls twenty-four hours a day, five days a week, until spring break is over. You are being fucking ridiculous!” 

You’re slightly taken aback when Changbin had the audacity to say such things. Why is he still so fucking stubborn? “I’m the one who’s being ridiculous? Me trying to not get my best friend's talent wasted, me trying to not have my best friend make the rest of his break go wack because all we do here is apparently get drunk, eat, sleep, and repeat. That, is being ridiculous ?” You let out a humorless laugh. “Well, if I need to keep on doing that in order to keep you on track with your dream, then I fucking will.”

He hisses at you. “What are you? My mom? I’m a fully grown adult for fuck’s sake!” 

“Yes, I am technically your mom since the day you threw up on my dress in kindergarten. I even wiped your puke off of your face, you ungrateful brat.” 

“Uhm guys, you might wanna tone it down..” Felix tries to cool off the situation since he doesn’t really enjoy eating dinner while two people are continuously throwing daggers at each other with their eyes. 

Another thing, no matter how whipped you are for Seo Changbin, there’s still this little demonic part in your heart that screams to strangle the light out of his eyes every single day. Even back then, you guys bickered like there’s no tomorrow without a care in the world. Fortunately, your problems were always quick to be resolved because you just could never bring yourself to hate him even when you wanted to. He’s just that contagious, never fails to put a smile on your face nonetheless. 

So naturally, it’s ten minutes into the BBQ party in Woojin’s backyard and you’re more than ready to fight him. Metaphorically, not literally because you’re too utterly soft for him anyway. 

“Shh, shh,” Minho easily shushes Felix up with his index finger over his lips. “Lix, keep it down, the Petty Olympics is just getting started.” 

Jeongin purses his lips. “You’re such a snake, did you know that?” He’s obnoxiously chewing on the slices of grilled steak that Chan just took off the iron rack. Like Felix, he wishes to enjoy dinner in peace but that has not happened for quite some time and he’s already sick of it. 

Minho rolls his eyes at the younger boy with nothing but disgust in his eyes. “Wow, what a truly shocking revelation, Jeongin. It’s for the irony, sarcasm is needed in order for my joke to work.” He sips on the glass of whiskey in front of him like how he simply sips on his coworkers’ complaints about their relationships every morning. “Now run along, grab your monthly paycheck and buy yourself a sense of humor.” 

Jisung snickers. “Wow, is he mean today—“ 

You cut Jisung off unintentionally, huffing with such determination. “Don’t ever talk to me again.”

Changbin says casually. “It’s not like I want to.”

“I will break you.” You give him your best death glare.

He tips his imaginary hat with a smirk tugged on his lips. “If that’s what makes you happy, then I certainly cannot wait for it, Little Mistress.”

eight.

It’s the second time you’re hanging out with Jaemin and still, you can’t bring yourself to develop any non-platonic feelings for him. Do you really want to date him? Not really. Again, he’s not a bad guy. In fact, girls can just pass by you both walking by the Han River and they’re already eyeing him up and down like an expensive piece of steak. 

Maybe it’s something about trying to push Changbin out of your mind for once in your life. Or it can be something about the fact that he actually has some kind of romantic interest in his Tinder date. Or you’re just being ridiculous and totally overthinking the situation. 

It’s sad, but you’ll have to accept it sooner or later. You see Jaemin as nothing but a friend, and a little brother because he’s funny, respectful, and everything you can ask for in a guy. But, at the end of the day, he’s just not Changbin. 

And although you’re madly in love with your best friend, it seems like Jaemin gets you and manages to keep your mind off of him for the day so that you don’t end up crying alone in one of the bathroom stalls. You can’t be any more thankful. 

“You seriously didn’t have to watch ‘Dolittle’ twice just because of me,” Jaemin tells you as you both stand at the front door of the movies, hugging his bucket of popcorn closer to his stomach. 

You smile at him. “Robert Downey Jr. is worth watching any movie twice. That’s why I’m still not over the Endgame depression phase because I may or may not watch it one too many times.” 

He rolls his eyes at you and proceeds to throw his garbage away. “Crybaby.” Then, he wraps his arm around your shoulder and walks you towards the entrance. “I had fun tonight. Thanks, Y/N, it means a lot. Should I walk you home?”

“I don’t see why you shouldn’t.” You answer cheekily. 

Jaemin teases, “Because your boyfriend might show up and punch me in the face?” 

“Shut up! He’s not my boyfriend!”

“Woah, I didn’t even say who it was. You’re so whipped for him.”

You elbow him in the stomach, earning a low grunt from him as a response. “I shouldn’t have given you your hoodie back. I should have burnt it or something.”

He wiggles his eyebrows at you, holding onto the paper bag that you brought tightly. “No, keep it if you want to. You look good in it.” 

Before you can even clap-back at him with a witty retort, your phone vibrates inside your pocket. “Sorry, someone texted me.”

[ 9:23p.m. ]

meanhoe | Y/N WHERE ARE YOU?!

meanhoe | SOMEONE BROKE INTO OUR HOUSE!

meanhoe | I’m upstairs rn, but there were some sketchy sounds earlier. I think they’re in our kitchen.

meanhoe | Bin’s still in the living room!

meanhoe | COME HOME!!

Oh. My. God. 

nine.

“Changbin, pick up, pick up,” You murmur and keep pacing back and forth at your parents’ front porch, frantically fumbling with your phone in your hands. “Goddamnit just pick up!” You groan out of frustration when you can’t even open the door because it’s locked, and Changbin’s not doing a great job at responding to your calls either. Which can only mean one thing, he’s being held hostage inside along with your brother and the intruder’s probably confiscated their phones. 

You’d take a bullet for Changbin if that’s the last thing you could do for him. There are no words to fathom how important he is to you, so now instead of thinking of how to save his ass, you’re stupidly, foolishly thinking back to high school where he would always eat lunch with you whenever Minho’s too caught up with practice, where you both would lie under an ugly tree at the very back of your school’s enormous backyard, trying to do homework and dozing off five minutes after. Changbin’s been with you through thicks and thins, with all of your ups and downs. His lack of doubt for you was what helped you survive those horrendous years and you’ve decided that you’re not gonna let go of him, not in this life. 

Therefore, you’re about to do something dumb. That something is going to prevent your best friend from getting murdered. But the chances of getting your head blown into bits are undeniably high too. That wouldn’t matter now, would it? If the intruder dares to tick you off, he best believes that you’re gonna fucking take him down with you. 

Mustering all of the courage you have left, slowly, your fingers hover over the doorknob, the other on the wooden surface, ready to bang on it like a crazy person. You inhale sharply and close your eyes. 3..2..1..

The door suddenly swings open, causing you to stagger forward and your eyes widen in panic. “Y/N? What the hell?” Changbin catches you in time and frowns furiously at your soaked figure. Your hair and clothes are doused with rain, the tips of your fingers as cold as ice from staying outside for so long. You flutter your eyes open at his words, mouth grows agape when you find out that your current position can’t be any more awkward. 

Great, now what?

Wait, where’s the intruder? “Are you okay?!” You mindlessly throw yourself at him, holding onto him so tightly like he’s gonna disintegrate into thin air once you let him go. Blood is roaring inside your ears, your heart is picking up its pace as you have so many questions, so many things to say but.. he seems pretty okay? “Is Minho okay too? Where is he? Why didn’t you pick up my calls? Why was the door locked?” 

Changbin pulls away softly to prevent you from hearing his heart thumping vigorously inside of his rib cage, eyes as wide as a goldfish’s. “What? Minho’s downtown today to meet up with his old friend who’s studying abroad. Didn’t he tell you?” 

“No?” You knit your brows together and take a full ten seconds to process what just happened. Why do you feel like you just got played? 

He closes the door and walks you inside. “And why the hell do you look like a wet rat? Did you just walk home? Weren’t that Jaemin guy supposed to drive you instead?” You purposely ignore his questions and continue to piece the little amount of information that you have together. But once you throw a glance at your parents’ living room, you see a box of fresh, piping hot Hawaiian pizza with ‘Fast and Furious’ playing on the forty-eight inches TV. With that, everything makes sense. 

You ran home as fast as you possibly could, under the rain when it’s dark outside all alone and this is how your brother repays you? 

“Wow,” You utter, somewhat lightheaded. “I need to sit down.” You tell Changbin when he comes back with a white fluffy, towel. He clicks his tongue in annoyance, wordlessly bringing the towel to your head as an attempt to dry off your hair. You’re startled by his sudden affection, cheeks growing pink as you avoid eye contact. 

Changbin caresses your cheekbone gently as if you’re far too fragile for him to touch and you just play dumb by batting your eyelashes repeatedly to shake the droplets of rain away. He quickly snaps out of it, taken aback by his own action. “Would you care to tell me what happened before I put you on trial?” He says with his arms crossed.

Your blood slowly boils as you choke on your own exasperation.“Minho told me that someone broke into our house and basically held you hostage. So I rain-checked on Jaemin, ran home only to find you in one piece with a pizza while watching ‘Fast & Furious’.” You hide your face behind your palms in sheer embarrassment as Changbin cackles his ass off in his annoyingly adorable laughter that makes you crack up every time. 

He throws his head back and continues to laugh wholeheartedly, holding onto his stomach for dear life. “He got you good, wow. So much for supporting his sister’s second date. I’m sure he just wants to make sure that you’re home before twelve.” 

“HE COULD HAVE JUST PICKED ME UP HIMSELF! HELLO?” You throw your hands in the air, huffing. You swear to God, Minho’s dead meat to you tomorrow morning. Your brother knows your feelings for Changbin all too well and he’s just doing everything he can to kick Jaemin out of your love life but the irony here is Jaemin was never there in the first place. But, Minho’s an evil mad genius so he still succeeded in pushing you back to Changbin when you’re trying to avoid him the most. Props to him, you’re now stuck inside a house with your best friend because your parents are currently going on vacation in Bora Bora. 

That wouldn’t be a problem unless you’re madly in love with him. But you are, and it sucks. 

You exclaim, smacking Changbin’s arm, causing him to whine loudly. “Would you stop laughing? I was scared that you’re gonna get murdered!” 

In a split second, he pulls you flushed against him, rocking you back and forth as he ruffles your hair. When the vibration of his chuckle emits from his chest just makes your heart skip a beat. Changbin’s never been the cheesy, romantic type like Hyunjin but sometimes he does these things that just messes up your heart more as if it’s not already all over the place. 

“Come on, Beastie, go change your clothes. I wouldn’t wanna cuddle with a sick person.” 

ten.

One shower and five minutes later, you’re on the sofa right beside Changbin with your head rested comfortably on his shoulder. The first episode of ‘The Umbrella Academy’ is blaring clamorously on your dad’s TV as your eyelids grow heavy, hanging on the edge of shutting before your favorite character even pops up. 

Changbin notices your sleepiness and pulls the wool blanket closer to your body, high enough to cover the rest of your shoulders as you snuggle into the crook of his neck. He pouts at the box of pizza and two empty bottles of Henny before playing with your hair, braiding a small section of it in boredom. He’s definitely not the type to rewatch any shows but since you’re just so pumped for the second season, you insisted that you two should binge-watch season one all over again. Obviously, he doesn’t see the point because he already knows everything, how does rewatching it has anything to do with getting him ready for the next season? Besides, you’re already falling asleep when it’s only ten minutes into the episode. 

But is Changbin gonna let you sleep in peace just like that after all those years of you waking him up at an ungodly hour? Nope. 

“Hey,” He nudges you with his elbow. “They said there wouldn’t be a second season.” 

You jolt up from your sleepy state, eyes shooting open in utter surprise and disappointment. “Wait what?! Why not?!” You cry out dramatically, hands batting in midair like a madwoman as if they’re looking for something to hold onto. Soon enough, you plop yourself back onto the couch in defeat, letting the alcohol take over your entire body. You can already feel it kicking in as your limbs grow lighter and so does your mind. Gosh, you just wish you weren’t so lightweight. 

Changbin chuckles at you, caressing your hair softly. He pulls you closer to him by your shoulder and takes in your scent like it’s the last sense of comfort on Earth. “You’re so cute when you’re drunk, did you know that?” He studies your features closely, quickly realizing how much he must matter to you for you to show this vulnerable side to him so casually. Giddiness is an understatement for the way that his heart just beats ten times faster, the way his arms hold you close so gently but so tightly at the same time. In this cracked darkness with the insufficient source of light from the TV screen, you’re so beautiful it takes the breath right out of his lungs. You seem too serene to be true, eyes closed, lips slightly agape it makes him wonder how it feels to seal his with yours. 

As if on cue, your favorite character appears on time and you swat the sleepiness away, pointing at the screen with half-open eyes. “Five! He’s so cute, can I adopt him, please?” You giggle and show him those infamous puppy eyes. Changbin can never resist it’s actually frustrating. 

“Yes, you can adopt a serial killer who knows how to travel through time, absolutely.” Changbin facepalms himself. “Honestly, what do you even see in him?” 

“He’s smart and funny, and a total badass. I like how he never sugarcoats things and stays true to himself. But, he also puts others before himself without expecting them to do the same thing back. His actions speak louder than his words because there are countless times where he saved his siblings although he talks to them as if he sees them as nothing more than a bunch of assholes. I admire him in so many ways although he’s just a fictional character. And you know why?” You cock your head sideways, leaning closer. “Because he kinda reminds me of you.” 

Changbin tenses up at the last part. “W-What?” 

The ‘sober Y/N’ would never be brave enough to tell him what you’re planning on saying next. “I love you, Bin. I know that I might not act like I give a fuck, but I genuinely care about you. You mean the world to me.” You blurt mindlessly, hiccuping into his ears. “I really do love you. I just never got the courage to say it.” You hum and toppling over his figure on top of the couch, your legs straddling his. 

“We can’t.” Changbin places his index finger on your lips to stop you from decreasing the distance. “You’re not thinking straight right now.” 

You pull back, frowning. “Why? Because I’m not sober? What do my feelings for you have anything to do with alcohol?” You’re not mad, but rather curious. Either way, you can’t seem to get mad at Changbin for more than ten seconds. 

“I- I don’t wanna hurt you.” He stutters and stops as he sees the heartbroken look in your eyes. It hurts even more because deep down, the sober part in you knows that you’d never fathom enough courage to actually tell him how you feel. And you also know that you’ve just potentially fucked up more than ten years worth of friendship. Changbin’s warm brown eyes stare at you with nothing but pure sincerity. “It’s like I’m taking advantage of you in this kind of state. It’s not right. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.” He brushes your hair out of your face and sighs. 

“Bin, you respect me like no one else does. You know it. I know it. We know it. You’re my best friend.” 

“That’s the problem.” He pulls you closer while rubbing little circles on your back. “Promise me that we’ll never change, yeah?” 

You wrap your hands around his neck, a tear threatening to fall from the corner of your eye. “Yeah..promise.” 

“Y/N, you didn’t do anything wrong.” He reassures you as a confirmation, standing up from the couch that he’s been occupying for too long. You keep your gaze low, unable to meet his eyes as you’re ashamed of your own action. You shouldn’t have done that. What were you thinking for fuck’s sake?

Changbin turns off the TV before guiding you towards the stairs in the dark, holding onto your waist tightly enough so that you won’t slip. “Don’t blame yourself on this, okay?”

You voice quietly, almost a whisper. “Okay.” 

“Come on, let’s go to bed.”

eleven.

That night, you held onto Changbin like he’s the last thing you’re ever gonna see although you knew too well that it’s meaningless. What’s the point anyways? He just slapped your confession away and that alone was enough for you to understand that he sees you as nothing more than a friend. However, it’s still better than being stuck in that weird gray area that just keeps messing with your mind. You wouldn’t want to get in his way either. So when Changbin tried to peel your hands away from his torso gently in the middle of the night, your eyes remained closed as you rolled on the other side of the bed. 

When you woke up in the morning, he was already gone. 

It’s like he’s never been there all of those years as if he’s just an illusion that your delusional self made up to comfort yourself when things get hard. All of his belongings were nowhere to be found, his bed in the guest room was neatly made, something that he’s never done before. Changbin left no traces, no notes, no messages, no nothing like it’s a natural implement for ‘Don’t bother looking for me, I’m not gonna come back’. But to you, it feels more like ‘You fucked up our friendship, Y/N. I will never speak to you again’. 

Losing a best friend of a lifetime is way worse than going through a breakup. But it hurts more when you’ve unintentionally developed feelings for him when you know too well that it’s not right. It’s not right. And you seriously screwed up. You just hurt the one and only person that’s so incredibly close and special to your heart. Therefore, you’re distraught, unable to do anything right for some of the following days. Utterly destroyed, you can’t seem to stop blaming yourself for what happened. 

Changbin’s done so much for you and you can’t be any more grateful to have him in your life. There was this time where you totally lashed out on him because you were just having a ‘bad day’. He didn’t even get mad at you, he never gets mad at you. Instead, Changbin let you lock yourself up in your room for an hour until he came back with a box of chocolate and flowers. Everything fell right back into its place again and you really don’t know what you did to deserve him. He always goes out of his way, prioritizing others’ benefits rather than his own. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone at all because, in your heart, you know that he can be hurt easily too. 

So it’s no shocker that you’re madly in love with him. You like how he smiles and looks at you like you’re the only person that’s existing in this celestial sphere. You like the sound of his laughter because it reminds you of Spongebob sometimes, it’s ridiculously adorable in the best way possible. You also like how he clings onto you and lets you be the big spoon whenever he’s having a long day, you can’t stop smiling knowing that he finds comfort in your presence. 

The only flaw about him is that he’s all about that healthy life, which is good for him but you’re not adapting that any time soon. And he doesn’t talk about himself enough as he’s always used to listening to others’ problems instead. He’s flawsome, but you’re willing to embrace it all. Yes, as cheesy as it sounds, you love all of him. 

Just because he’s Seo Changbin. 

You stay up for many days, thinking an awful amount and flashbacking to when you’re on top of him, staring at him so tenderly as those idiotic words slipped out of your lips. All of because of one single beer. You just wish you could take it all back. If so, maybe you wouldn’t have lost the person you care about the most. 

“No, she won’t eat no matter what I say.” You can hear Yeji’s voice echoes from the living room as you throw an arm over your eyes. “I don’t think you should see her right now, not when she’s on the verge of breaking down every two seconds.” You don’t even have to look to know that your brother’s outside, probably worried sick about you. Minho might not be the type of person to show affections on a regular basis, but he genuinely cares about the people around him. He just doesn’t know how to express that he cares. 

The front door closes with a small ‘click’, making you jolt up from your bed. Your roommate pushes the door to your bedroom open and runs a hand through her hair. She practically grimaces at the current state of your room : curtains closed, clothes scattered all over the place with you still in your PJs. It’s funny because normally, you’re the one who complains whenever she’s being messy, now Yeji has the perfect reason to pay back. “Jesus Christ,” She frowns when her hands open the beige-colored curtains. “Get yourself together, will you?”

“Leave-me-alone.” You hiss at her like a snake when the light comes flooding in, blinding your eyes in the process. “What do you want? Am I not depressed enough to be at peace?”

She shakes her head and sits down next to your reclined form on the bed, a hand finds its way to your back. “No, you’re just in denial.” Yeji pulls your figure closer, embracing you with as much sincerity that she can muster. She might as well have you scream at her for forgetting to do laundry and waking up late rather than seeing you barely alive like this. If this goes on for too long, you might end up in the ER. And she can care less about whatever you’re planning on doing next because clearly, you’re not emotionally stable enough to make your own decisions right now. 

You look down. “About what?”

“About the fact that Seo Changbin likes you too.” She says softly. “Only a dumbass can’t see that he’s completely head over heels for you.”

You chuckle dryly. “He’s not, he probably hates me.”

“He never hated you, he never hates you, and he will never hate you.” Yeji sighs as you snuggle closer to her chest. “Why would you think that Changbin hates you?” 

Your eyes widen in terror as the night before when he left replays in your head over and over again. The more you think about it, the more you wanna kick yourself for not controlling our own feelings. Three words and your best friend’s gone. He was right, you guys could never, you weren’t thinking straight. Even down to that moment, Changbin put you before him and treated you with nothing but respect. “Because I ruined our friendship. Things are never gonna be the same again. I shouldn’t have fallen for him, I’m so stupid.” You let out an audible groan and bury your face into your palms. 

Yeji peels your hands away and forces you to look at her. “I don’t see why falling for Seo Changbin is considered stupid. You see things in him that no one else does, and you even had the courage to confess how you truly feel, even when it’s because of a bottle of Henny. Not everyone can accept that because people are cowards when it comes to commitment and their own feelings.” She keeps looking you dead in the eye as if she’s testing you. “Look, even if Changbin doesn’t feel the same way. He can never hate you.”

“And why should I believe you?” 

Your roommate laughs in disbelief, shaking your shoulder forcefully. “Are you blind? Do you even hear yourself right now? Haven’t you seen the way that he looks at you, eyes sparkling like puppies and all? If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is. Even if it’s not the love that you wanted him to return, he still loves you as a friend. He just ran away because, well, he’s human too. He might need some time to himself and make up his mind.” 

You stare into the distance this time, eyes empty. “True love doesn’t count if it’s not returned, don’t you agree?” 

Yeji rolls her eyes at you, she looks like she’s about to personally drag your ass across the planet, straight to Italy just to make up with Changbin. “Oh-my-god, you’re impossible! Of course, it counts! So what, you’re telling me that your feelings for him after all these years would mean nothing if he doesn’t say those three words back? I know that you’re sad and angry about what happened, but I think it’s much better than bottling everything up all to yourself. You were brave for doing that, Y/N.”

Your lips stay sealed as you decide to listen to her lecture obediently like a child. “Do you think Changbin would want to see you like this? No, no one wants to see you all depressed and miserable. Do you have any idea how worried Minho is? Have you checked the notifications on your phone? It’s not like you can’t move on with life without Changbin, you can and you will if that’s what you have to do.” 

“So..?” 

“Are you gonna step up and get your life back again or what?”

You groan internally, because gosh, you hate it whenever she’s right. 

twelve.

From then on, Changbin’s like a phantom in your life, not because he’s constantly popping out of nowhere to scare the living daylight out of you, but because he’s constantly on your mind. Everything feels a little bit emptier without him. You don’t have to worry about having cilantro in your daily meals because he’s not there to complain about it. And there’s no longer a random cup of chai tea in the fridge on Sunday mornings because he can’t buy you one anymore. 

But at the same time, everything reminds you of him. Like how his pairs of designer shoes aren’t laying around at your front door, how his favorite hoodies aren’t being forgotten at your place intentionally, and how the Stitch stuffed animal he gave you last year still reeks off his significant scent. Everything gives you a hard time to finally let him go, but ultimately, you know that you’ll pull through. And you did. 

You move on with a college degree waiting for you at the end of this dark, bumpy road. Changbin, on the other hand, you can’t say much because his SoundCloud account is currently empty. He deleted every single song, every mixtape, every demo possible as if he’s trying to wipe his existence out of your life completely. Which makes it more difficult for you to muster up some courage and reach out to him again. 

It’s almost a year, and you wish he could have just given you a sign about whether he’s fine with being friends or not. But as always, leaving notes is definitely not his department. The thing is, you feel like you both didn’t just grow apart. You also grew up. 

“Y/N, did you ask me to go to the movies just because you didn’t feel like studying for finals?” Jaemin nudges you with his elbow and you smack his arms in return. Okay, technically you did grow up but old habits die hard, and you’re still procrastinating. Nothing new, but the occasional non-dates with Jaemin somehow helped with the aching part in your heart. You can’t say that he’s your new best friend because gosh, no one could ever replace Changbin. But ever since you found out that you guys go to the same college, you kept running into him on campus. Hence, hanging out with him is practically unavoidable. 

You laugh, letting him swing an arm around your shoulders. “Nope, it’s because I love hanging out with you.”

“Does that naturally imply as you love me?” He grins coyly before approaching your car at the very end of the parking lot. You’ve talked about this before. ‘Love’ is an overstatement for the love that you have for Jaemin. Of course, you love him, just not in a romantic way and he accepts that. Although he does sometimes pull you in as a stunt just to get a discount for buying a couples’ combo. You let him, only because you’re both broke college students who are dreading your own student’s loans. 

“Sure, I just love you so much I can’t even bring myself to say it without doing this.” You slowly feed his ego and your right hand quickly grabs the right side of his ears, dragging him into the driver’s seat of your car. Jaemin stops wincing once you let him go, pouting when you enter through the back door. “Serves you right.” You scoff, throwing him the key to start the engine. 

He rubs his now swollen, red ear in pain, whining out loud like a kid that’s not allowed to buy popcorn when their parents bring them to the movie theatre. “This is domestic violence, I’m suing.” He complains but still hits the gas and starts backing out of the overpacked parking lot. People go wild during the weekends. That’s why you’re letting him drive because you suck. 

You smile satisfactorily. “Ah, enslaved child labor at its finest.” If looks could kill, Minho would probably find your corpse in the car, limbs spread wide open because Jaemin is occasionally tossing you dirty looks through the rear-view mirror as he finds a way to hide a body while driving towards your neighborhood. 

When you get home, you politely offer Jaemin to stay for dinner but he said he’s got a date to catch up with so you just let him be. Yeji isn’t gonna be home until nine because of her shift at the café so you basically have the whole apartment to yourself until your roommate returns from work. 

Exhausted from spending all day on campus and going to the movies after, you quickly get rid of your long coat and plop yourself onto the couch. You waste absolutely no time and automatically hang yourself upside down on the cushioned surface while scrolling through your feed in boredom. You like to change up your position every ten minutes so that you feel less like a potato while your blood circulation isn’t gonna get blocked anywhere. 

The moment you’re about to accept a video call from Jisung, you’re interrupted with a rather strange notification. You decide to text him, saying that you’re busy with a presentation and open the email from an unknown email. The email doesn’t have any specific title and you don’t think it belongs to any of your classmates. However, there’s a file attached to it which makes you even more confused. Who’d send a random video to someone they don’t even know? What if this is some kind of trick that people use for human trafficking? Like once you tap on it, there’s an automatic tracker on your phone and soon enough, you’ll go missing. 

“for_you.mp4”

It makes your heart skip a beat as realization hits you like a truck. Deep down, you know, you know who it belongs to and you’re even more terrified to watch it. But you have to, you have to watch it. With a sharp inhale, your index finger trembles until it comes in contact with your screen, opening the file. 

“Is this thing on?” 

You immediately burst into tears as soon as Changbin appears. You’re stupidly, foolishly crying as he awkwardly adjusts the camera angle, checking himself in the monitor and runs a hand through his hair. Changbin’s wearing that one fitted black t-shirt that he probably bought in big bulks, warm brown eyes peeking through his messy bangs. He’s never looked better to the point that you’re tongue-tied, unable to scream even when you have so many questions, so many things to say. Yet only tears come streaming down your face. You missed him dearly, and here he is finally. 

“Y/N?” Changbin quirks a brow and smiles. God, you missed his smile too. “If you’re watching this video, don’t..post it on social media. It’s gonna be a real tearjerker.” 

You chuckle, wiping your tears away with the sleeves of your hoodie. He didn’t change, at all. “I don’t know if you can still forgive me for what I’ve done, but I still owe you an apology. I’m sorry for running away. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. I’m sorry for not treating you right. It’s just when you said that you loved me, it sparked so much skepticism inside my head that even I couldn’t understand what I was thinking. Next thing I know, I was out the door, straight to the airport. I was an asshole and I know that. I hope you’re taking good care of yourself right now because you did nothing wrong. In fact, there’s something that I’ve been wanting to tell you too. I can’t seem to be complete without you. You’re it. You’re my endgame.” 

When Changbin takes in a deep breath, so do you. You nervously scratch onto the black nail polish that’s starting to chip off on your pinkie, waiting for him as he fiddles with his fingers. Suddenly, he looks straight into the camera and laughs. “Why are you still here? You didn’t see the notification, did you?”

What notification?

Your trains of thoughts are once again canceled when your phone buzzes. You’ve just got a notification from an app that you barely touched since Changbin left. “SpearB just posted a new track. Check it out!”

“Neverending Story ( Demo ).” 

Faster than a tick of the clock, you start playing the track, fingers drumming impatiently on one of your throw pillows. “Be mine, yeah?” His raspy voice sounds ten thousand times more attractive because it’s been a while since you’ve heard it and chills run up your spine. Adrenaline is pumping through your veins, your heart hanging on the verge of exploding. The soft instrumental blends in with the piano in the background perfectly, drowning out every other sound in the entire world. But what throws you off is that Changbin starts singing. It’s the first time you’ve ever heard him sing and it’s truly breathtaking that you can do nothing more than sitting there with a hand over your mouth, letting the melody guide your mind. 

“Whenever you smile, whenever you struggle

I'll always protect you

For you,

I can even go against time

Just to appear in front of you

I believe, I believe

Even if the world changes

Can you promise that we won't?”

The first verse bleeds into the pre-chorus, then the chorus itself and Changbin starts rapping, spilling the feelings that he’s been struggling with saying out for you. Every word, every sound, every note hits differently and you feel like you’re already on cloud nine, drifting off into a daze. You can fully acknowledge and feel the ignited passion that he has for you even when he’s more than five thousand miles away, on the other side of the planet. But that’s all you need honestly because what more can you ask for? 

As if on cue, the song ends and there’s a knock at your door. 

Heat rushes up the bridge of your nose as you wobble towards the front door, head still slightly lightheaded from the mixture of emotions. You quickly fix your hair, straightening your hoodie and your toes curl from the nervousness. The moment you twist the doorknob, Changbin backs you up against the wall, shutting the door with his feet. He stares you down intensely, making you feel extremely small in comparison. But those eyes of his are filled with nothing but adoration for you and only you. “I’m in love with you, the same way that you meant it back then. I’ve been in love with you for even God doesn’t know how long. I booked a plane ticket and wrote the song as soon as that thought clicked in me. You’re all that I need. I want you to be my one and only. And I still want you back, so what do you say?” 

Your lips curl upwards softly into a smile. “You’re really outdoing yourself, aren’t you? I confessed to you when I was drunk and not only did you film a video, but you also wrote a song for me?”

“Only for you, Beastie.” Changbin chuckles and pulls you closer, sealing the gap between your lips. He’s done it, he did what he’s been wanting to for his entire life : to know what being in love actually feels like. His kiss isn’t even somewhere near as those movie stars’ that you both used to make fun of every weekend. It’s one that steeped into a passion that flickers at the very pit of your stomach, one that makes you feel like home, like he’s your safe place. Changbin’s said everything that he wanted but he kisses you as a silent promise that he will do stupid things just to be with you, to have you right by his side for the rest of his life. 

He’s the first to pull away, resting his forehead against yours as you both exchange shallow breaths. Smiling at you, Changbin can’t help himself but peppers small kisses all over your face from your forehead to the tip of your nose. 

Life likes to toss you around and fuck you up sometimes but somehow, magically it always puts everything back in its place. The amount of tears that you’ve shed feels like payment for what you’re holding in your arms right now but there’s nothing that you won’t do to be here, in his embrace. Technically, Changbin didn’t have to say those three words back and he only did because he could, not because he needed to. 

Even if he’s five thousand miles away, no one else is closer to your heart than he is. He loves you with all of the madness in his soul.

[irwinkitten]

got lucky | c.h

requested by anon: ok so for the bi!reader concept: last year i ended my relationship w this girl the main reason was because she was really insecure and jealous especially about me being bisexual like anytime i would talk to a guy she would just get so upset about it and she would make such gross biphobic comments and at the time i had so much internalised biphobia that i tried to convince myself i was gay n stayed in the relationship longer than i should have because i rly liked her i guess lol anyways (1/4) we ended and a while afterwards i started seeing this guy who i’d known of for ages (friends of friends type situation) but we just never really talked before or hung out but from the first date we clicked and the sex was crazy good like the type of sex were ur ditching ur vibrators cuz he’s that good lmao so one weekend we went to this party together and of course she is also there, i was so surprised and i could see her eyeing us the whole night, so when she came over i was anxious af (2/4) and this guy knew i was bi! it was no secret, i worked really hard to accept myself! so she comes over and she deadass goes “are you straight now? i knew you would end up with a man!” and she’s all smug but also hurt and im standing there like what the fuck and THEN this dumb man goes “ha guess the sex is so good i made her straight again” and i’m literally about to cry over how gross the whole interaction is and im so shocked i can’t even defend myself, i dumped him that night obviously (3/) last messgae: so basically can you pls do a redo of the gross situation where instead of being with that dumb guy its with calum and he is so protective n sweet n NORMAL n encourages u to stand up for urself about bisexuality / your sexuality, because what happened to me happens too often and its disgusting and gross and no one deserves that!! only if u feel comfortable/inspired tho, no pressure!! love u laura, thank u for creating such a safe space for all the queer babies it means a lot 💘 notes: i kinda enjoyed writing this one esp for my sweet anon baby. i love u and i hope this is everything you wanted ♥  warnings: biphobia, implications of emotional abuse

word count: 3.2k

donate to my ko-fi here

-

“Hey what’cha doing sweets?” Calum’s voice pulled you from your musings, your hand idly tracing patterns against the paper but the pen remaining on the desk. You wrenched your thoughts from the spiral you seemed to have fallen down, a smile crossing your lips as you felt your heart flutter at the sight of him.

“Nothin’. Just thinking.” You finally replied as he pulled up one of the spare chairs next to you, the bustling activity of the coffee shop falling into your background noise as his thigh pressed against yours.

“Really? Normally you doodle when you’re just thinking.” He countered with ease and your eyes dropped to the paper, noticing that the pen remained where you’d placed it when you first sat down. Subconsciously you must’ve realised that the route your thoughts had gone were not suitable to put down on paper, your fingers picking up the pen and mind falling blank immediately.

“Oh.” You breathed before placing the pen back down and packing away the pad and pen.

“What’s running through your head, doll?” Calum’s voice was quiet and concerned, you shrugged.

“Just, a lot on my mind is all. You’re not my keeper just because we’ve slept together.” You admitted quietly and he frowned before picking up his bag and for a sinking second you thought he was going to walk off, but instead, he took your bag from your hands and slung it over his shoulder. 

He looked back at you expectantly and you sighed before standing up, leaving the coffee shop with him, your eyes on the floor as you fell into step next to him.

“Your place or mine?”

“E’s gonna be home and I don’t want to hear them rant about me bringing people back.” You muttered and Calum nodded. 

“I think Ash is out. He’ll probably head out to Luke’s if I show up with you.” At his smirk, you rolled your eyes fondly before shoving him towards the bus stop. His indignant “hey!” was only ignored as you two waited for the bus, his arm slung over your shoulders.

Selfishly, you leaned into his touch, trying to ignore the fact that your stomach was doing flips at his touch alone. 

The bus journey was a quiet ten minutes, but Calum seemed to understand that you weren’t willing to talk with so many people around, so he was content to just keep you close, and you were unwilling to pull away until his stop came up.

When you reached his shared house with Ashton, you noted that the car was gone from the driveway and Calum smirked.

“Looks like he’s out. C’mon.” His hand tucked around yours and pulled you inside. And for a second you wondered if you could distract him with sex, but then the guilt appeared and you could feel the tears of frustration appear as your thoughts swirled and you felt dizzy.

Calum had stepped ahead, turning to see you stood leaning against the closed door, head in your hands and he knew something was wrong. Stepping back to you, he dropped your bags and took your hand in his, pulling you upstairs to his room and your stomach twisted uncomfortably.

“Cal I-”

“I’m not suggesting that.” He muttered. You fell silent at that and as he pulled you into his room, you felt unsure, but he gave you no chance to really deny him as he crawled into bed before opening his arms out to you.

“Cal.”

“I know you. You don’t do emotional stuff well but I’m here for a cuddle and an ear if you need it.” You fell into the embrace easily, your head resting on his chest as his arms wrapped around your shoulders, his lips finding your temple as you finally felt something in you snap, the surge of emotions overwhelming and frighteningly vivid. 

“I keep telling myself that I never was a lesbian, that I still found men attractive but Poppy made me feel like having that attraction was stupid since I was dating her and that I was a lesbian and it’s so fucking confusing because I like you, but I can hear her voice screeching that I’m not right, that I’m a lesbian or faking it or a freak.” And for the first time since you left Poppy, you cried.

Calum had been waiting for this. When the split had happened, you’d been ready for it, you’d already left her mentally, but this was what he knew you needed. He knew that the relationship with her had been toxic, but you’d never revealed the extent of her behaviour. 

His heart broke.

“Just because you like both men and women does not mean you should feel so guilty over your sexuality. There’s a B in LGBT for a reason, doll. That’s you. You’re bisexual and you should be proud of that, not ashamed because some bitch with a control issue couldn’t handle the fact that you liked more than women.” 

You found yourself gripping his shirt with your fists as you pressed your face into his chest, trying to stem the tears that seemed relentless. But Calum held his silence whilst you got it out of your system, knowing that you needed to get this off your chest. 

“I’m sorry.” You finally got out, but he simply shushed you. 

“She was a shitty person with an attitude to show. You shouldn’t apologise for the bitch.” His words were simple but it gave you a breath of ease, pulling away as hands rubbed your shoulders gently. 

He was definitely too good to you, but he was there for you regardless and you were certain that you loved him for that.

“There’s gonna be a party on the other side of town in a couple of weeks. Ash took over the old Firefly down on Hartley. He’s revamping before opening the bar to the public. You fancy going?” And you smiled at the gentle distraction he was offering. 

“We get at least a free drink if we show up, right?” And Calum laughed as he kissed your temple. 

“He wouldn’t say no to me. Or you. In fact, I’m almost certain he’s expecting me to do full introductions on that night since Luke and Mike will be there with the others and their girls.” You rolled your eyes. 

“It’s not like I went to school with Luke or anything.” Came your sarcastic retort and Calum laughed as the two of you settled for the evening. 

“Pretty sure Luke last saw you when you started dating Poppy. He’s put two and two together but he won’t say anything unless you mention it. Even then he knows it’s not his place.” Your heart seemed to swell another size in affection for Luke. 

“You’re making it difficult for me to not fall in love with you Cal. Good dick, you know how to use those lips and fingers of yours, you make me feel like I belong and you respect boundaries without me having to ask.” You finally muttered and Calum gave you an almost wistful smile. 

“You may have been with Poppy but that didn’t stop me from being friends with you. You’re someone I’ve genuinely cared about from day one. Not gonna chuck that away because of who you are. Plus growing up with my mom and sister almost made certain I’d be in touch with my feminine side.” He teased but the sincerity and understanding in his tone eased your shoulders. 

Your features softened at the admittance and you pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Then I definitely got lucky to have you in my life at least, falling in love or not.”

—

When the day of the party rolled around, you felt sick with nerves and you couldn’t understand why. 

When Calum rolled up to pick you up—he was driving to Luke’s who lived closest to the bar and you’d both get a ride back to yours before he picked up his car the following morning—he could see the nerves and the grimace on his face spoke volumes. 

“What?” You all but demanded when you were debating outfits. He’d been sitting on the bed watching, but got up and held his hands out to you. 

You took them hesitantly. His thumbs almost immediately started to soothe across the back of your hands to help relax you. 

“Word has gotten around that Poppy is planning to show up. We haven’t exactly been quiet about our relationship, but I didn’t think she’d pull something like this.” And your stomach churned uncomfortably. 

“We’re still going. Ashton promised free drinks and we’ll be in the VIP area right?” You checked and Calum nodded.

“Ashton has already told the bouncers that she’s not allowed near the VIP section. They’re checking and rechecking the lists to make sure she isn’t on one of them.” He explained and you let out a breath of air. 

“Okay. It’ll be fine. It’s being handled and I’ve got you. Now which outfit do you think I should wear?” He studied your face for a second before a smile broke across his lips. 

“The dark purple with the deep plunge. Is it wrong of me to flaunt in her face what she lost?” And you laughed as you kissed him. 

“I mean, yes. But I also know that you want to show me off properly now that we’ve got things really settled.” You murmured and he grinned back unabashedly. 

It was still an uphill battle, but he’d given you a lot to think about. And after gentle convincing, you’d found an LGBT friendly therapist who helped you process your thoughts. It helped you come to terms with accepting the toxic relationship that you’d been in but also it highlighted how beneficial Calum had been as a friend and confidant. 

It also gave you the courage to ask Calum out officially, wanting to be with him entirely and not just in the evenings. 

He took that in his stride and things shifted once more between the two of you. When you opened up to him about some of your sessions, you knew that your trust had been well placed because he never indicated anything to his friends and so you were never subjected to pitying stares or glares. 

You were almost sure that you’d fall in love with him faster than you fell for Poppy. 

The drive to Luke’s was filled with your nerves. You hadn’t seen Luke in years and you were also meeting his two other friends, Ashton and Michael as well as their partners. 

“Ashton’s excited to finally meet you and stop telling me to be careful when I go to yours.” 

Despite Calum living with Ashton, your schedules never seemed to match and more often than not, Calum could be found at your place, a small sanctuary from your hectic lives. 

Ashton never begrudged that time you shared together, but Calum had mentioned a few times about how snappy he was being on the subject. 

“He’ll chill when he realises I’m not out to break your heart or steal something.” You muttered with a chuckle. Calum snorted in return as he pulled into Luke’s driveway. 

Your nerves return full force as he pulls you to the front door and steps in like he lives there. 

“Hey fuckers, anyone about?” He called through and was met with calls of confirmation, another yell following that they were in the dining room. Your fingers squeezed Calum’s tightly and he didn’t hesitate to return it, his thumb soothing across the skin on the back of your hand.

“Look who it is!” A voice crowed loudly as he stepped into the dining room, followed by loud calls of greetings. 

There was a flurry of introductions and you felt like the spotlight was being shone on you, under scrutiny from his best friends gazes once they had greeted their friend and Calum had introduced you. Or re-introduced you in Luke’s case.

“Well c’mon, the last time I saw you we were leaving school. What’s been happening to you?” Luke finally asked, indicating to the seat next to him. A small smile graced your lips as you sat down, Calum falling into the seat next to you as you shrugged. 

“Life I guess? It’s been definitely more interesting with the different jobs and moving about. Building up a social life again.” Luke’s face filled with a frown at that. 

Michael came in next. 

“Building up a social life? Did you not have one?” His words held an innocent curiosity, yet you felt yourself hesitate. 

“My ex was controlling to the point that I couldn’t do anything without their permission. They managed to make me believe that no one really wanted me around and I lost touch with old friends, like Luke.” You glanced to the side and he was frowning. 

The others held varying degrees of stunned shock or disapproval. 

“Well then he was a cunt.” Michael muttered and your eyes refused to meet theirs at the assumptions. Luke stayed quiet but his hand rested on your knee, squeezing it. You shot him a gentle smile in return.

“Well it’ll be good to have you back in our lives. Especially with these two knuckleheads.” He nodded at Ashton and Michael who immediately protested and you laughed. 

It felt like you’d known them for years as you all had a few shots. Ashton, despite being the owner of the bar, wasn’t worried about turning up with his friends. He’d already explained to his staff that he’d be around for the rest of the night once he arrived and he’d told the small groups he’d be here and there. 

After a handful of shots, the group of you made your way to the bar, your arm linked with Calum’s. There were separate conversations happening between you all, their girlfriends including you on their pamper night whilst the boys discussed a possible games night for all of you. 

When you arrived at the club, you saw the queue of people waiting to get in and the subsequent groans from the line as the bouncer let you in, no questions asked. 

Ashton guided the group of you to the VIP section and the music was still loud but you could still hear each other talking. You were chatting away with Luke’s girlfriend, arm still linked with Calum’s as Ashton disappeared to get drinks. 

Calum pulled your attention away briefly, his lips by your ear. 

“I’ve spotted her. She’s not seen us yet so don’t worry.” You barely nodded, acknowledging his words as you listened in, fighting to keep your nerves down. 

The night continued and you were all a few drinks deep. Calum’s arm had barely left your waist all night as you talked and danced and drank. You’d been welcomed into his group of friends with an ease you never realised existed. 

You’d deliberately not tried to seek out Poppy, silently praying that the universe would comply. But as the group of you stood out in the smokers area, huddled together under a heating lamp, your stomach sank as she stepped out, her eyes narrowing on you. 

“Fuckin’ knew it!” You could feel the alarm in your face as you stepped back into Calum, his arm going around you protectively. 

“Poppy, you’re drunk.” You felt curious gazes from your new friends, but you didn’t spare them a glance.

“You break up with me and go running to his arms, I knew you weren’t a fuckin lesbian. Pretending to try it out? Just another straight girl seeking attention. Fucking freak.” She snapped and your stomach sank. 

“Get it through your thick head that she’s bisexual.” Calum snapped in your defence, earning a glare from Poppy. But Calum didn’t shrink from the glare, your glance to his face confirmed he was giving her his own. You were mildly impressed that she didn’t back down instantly. 

“She’s a fuckin liar! Years of my life wasted on this bitch.” She spat at your feet and you took in a deep breath. 

“You don’t get to control me anymore, Poppy. I’ve liked both men and women, but you never liked that because it meant that I had more chances of leaving you. And I wished I’d have left you sooner. Calum certainly thought so.” 

“Of course you fucked the first man to pay you any attention.” Your heart sank once more at her declaration and you felt your mind fall into the old trap that you’d fought with for so long. 

“No she never. In fact she slept with a few girls long before she slept with me. But I was her best friend as she tried to deal with the mess you created in her mind.” Calum snapped back. You felt your heart swell for him. 

Poppy stepped forward, her hand raised but then Ashton stepped in front of you. 

“Get out. You’re no longer welcome in this bar.” He made a gesture and security slowly made their way over. 

“She shouldn’t be fucking welcome!” Poppy yelled back, but Ashton held firm. 

“She is my friend. You are not. Get. Out.” When the bouncer rested a hand on her arm, she shrugged it off and stormed away. Your entire body was trembling.

“So that was the ex, huh?” Michael commented and you could feel your hands trembling as you nodded. “Why didn’t you correct me?” Calum spoke up for you as his hands took yours. 

“It’s been a battle for her. Poppy had convinced her she was a lesbian, that she was wrong for having any attraction to men. In Poppy’s world, either your gay, lesbian or straight. Being bisexual isn’t acceptable in her eyes.” Calum’s arms wrapped around you and you stood there, holding onto him for dear life. 

“Well that makes two of us then.” Michael’s casual comment had your knees go weak and you let out a weak laugh. 

“Thank you Ash.” You finally murmured when you pulled away from Calum. Ashton didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you in a warm hug that was both comforting and reassuring. 

“Hey, you’ve been the best thing for my best mate. And you were friends with Luke once before. I’ve definitely got your back. And I get why you didn’t say anything and don’t hold that against you.” He muttered and you breathed a sigh of relief before returning to Calum’s embrace. 

“More drinks or are we gonna go back to Luke’s?” And you shook your head. 

“Let’s stay. I’m not gonna let her ruin it,” you leaned forwards so your lips were by his ear as the others went inside, “also I want to see if we can christen the bar in one of the toilets.” You breathed. Calum groaned as his grip around you got tighter and he pulled you in for a kiss that promised more. 

“Oh you’re so fucked sweetheart. Especially since I know where the individual lips are and they aren’t attended by anyone.” You held back a moan at that thought before pulling away, your hand in his. 

“Dance first?” And the innocence in your tone made him laugh as he followed behind you willingly. 

“Menace.” The term was laced with affection as he caught up to you, kissing the spot just below your ear. 

You simply grinned in return as you pulled him onto the dance floor, Poppy long forgotten as he danced with you. 

-

@sexgodashton, @goth5sos, @calumsmermaid, @empathycth, @wildflowergrae, @calpops, @rosecolouredash, @cal-puddies, @clockwork124, @loveroflrh, @stellar5sosrecs, @ashtoniwir, @cthla, @liketheydidwithyou, @sc0ttish-wildfl0wer​, @bluehairedtracii, @drummerboy794, @feliznavidaddycal, @i-calumhood, @wokeupinjapanisabop, @converse-luke, @madbomb, @ccnicole02, @youngblood199456, @aulxna, @megz1985, @lukesidentitycrisis, @snapback-irwie, @neonweeknds, @666yourwitchyfriend666, @gamerboymike, @cashtonasfuck, @ashtaway, @conquerwhatliesahead92, @itjustkindahappenedreally, @twoamhood, @kchillout, @damselindistressanu, @colormekaykay, @findingliam-o, @sublimehood, @sugarcoated-pain, @singt0mecalum, @singledadharrington​, @calumspeachy​, @colourfulcalum​, @lostincalum​, @burncrashbromance​, @asht0ns-world​, @a-mnd, @flusteredcliffo​, @loti18​, @ixcantxdecidexwhosxmyxfave​, @clumclum-hood​, @fangirl-everythang​, @lashtondaddies​, @calumssunshine​, @ambskiwi​, @abundant-stars​, @caltattoohood, @seedless-vascular, @myescapefromthislife​, @lmao5sosimagines​, @beyoncesdragon​, @jae-writes-fanfiction​, @cxddlyash​, @tresfandom​, @utterly-u-n-p-e-r-f-e-c-t​, @niallisworld​, @lietomevalntyn​, @babylon-corgis​, @monochrome44​, @behind-my-hazeleyes27​, @ghost0fy0u​, @lyllibug​, @bloodmoonashton​, @balsamic-cal, @calumsbaldhead​, @washedout-ky, @calumssunshinee​, @ghostofmashton​, @summerellaz​, @a-little-less-sixteen​, @cashworthy​, @smokeinherlungs​, @longlastingdaydream​, @h0tsos​, @sweetcherrymike​, @5sosnsfw​, @sugar-nico​, @sunnysideblog, @angel-cal​, @samros95​, @maluminspace​, @lukeinblue​, @cakesunflower​, @allamerican-betch​,  @britnicole11​, @gigglyirwin​, @everyscarisahealingplace, @loverofcashton​, @iovehemmings​, @g-l-pierce​, @jannimoeller3​, @wildmichaelflower​, @lukeskisses​, @5sossstan​, @youngbloodchild​, @alloutofcashton​, @tobefalling​, @abb-lan-5sos​, @calumsbub​, @flameraine​, @here-for-the-uproars​, @mateisit-balsamic​, @ilovelukey​, @sarahshepherdblog​

[pixie88]

Thanks for the OC Ask for ATB @aussieez 😘

Started at 5th May (Harry’s birthday!) 7:50AM recording the time it takes to finish 🤣🤣🤣 Finished time: 12:34PM I did bits in between.

Q1 -

Harry - Not bother, he'll just unhook it😊

Laila: She'll say something along the lines of "Bloody hell! Stupid handle" and get annoyed trying to unhook it 🤣🤣

Q2 -

H - He's a coffee in the morning and tea the rest of the day.

L - She's a 2 coffees a day kinda girl and a hot chocolate on the colder days.

Q3 -

Both their safe places are their flats, which would look something like these.

Q4 -

H - Probably lying and cheating as he has been cheated on before in the past.

L - I would probably say the same as Harry's lying and cheating.

Q5 -

H - Laila calls him a few pet names like Mr. Muscles, Fluffy bear, handsome but I don't think there is anything else maybe I need to come up with one. 🤔🤔

L - Remy has called her Lulu, Harry calls her the usual pet names like gorgeous and beautiful.

Q6 -

H - Not so much books more health and fitness magazines.

L - Laila loves a Rom-com book when she has time to read.

Q7 -

H - I would say he's a bit of both assertive and shy because of his past.

L - She's definitely assertive.

Q8 -

H - Definitely friendly.

L - She's friendly and a bit of aloof maybe?

Q9 -

H - I think when someone upsets someone he cares about or insults them. Being bullied as a kid I think it would take a lot for someone to anger him if they were to say something about him.

L - Again if someone upsets family or friends.

Q10 -

H - Typical bloke banter makes him laugh or just banter.

L - Laila love chessy jokes and funny banter.

Q11 -

H - He definitely loves to prank and I think I need to bring that out in him a bit more tbh.

L - I think Laila is one that will fall for a prank, maybe even do little ones herself.

Q12 -

H - Harry is a personal trainer so he has to be healthy, he will have the odd day where he won’t work out and eat junk but over all his job is to be fit and well. I would say a good patient.

L - She’s goes for a run most morning but kinda eats what she wants she’s not one for diets etc. I think she could be both a good but also terror patient.

Q13 -

H - As a PT probably gym wear, vest or t-shirt, jogger or shorts and trainers.

L - Normally depends on the weather so either a t-shirt and jeans or a dress.

Q14 -

Both - I would say their both a easy people to please.

Q15 -

H - I would say his blue eyes or his muscles maybe even the fact he’s 6FT.

L - Probably her light brown/grey eyes.

Q16 -

H - Someone who’s honest, confident, bubbly, funny and loyal.

L - Laila likes anyone she puts her guard up but if they break through that she’s pretty much a friend for life. She wants someone who will stick around.

Q17 -

H - He’s soft around everyone.

L - As above Laila is hard on people until she gets to know them and they have gained her trust.

Q18 -

H -

L -

Q19 -

H - Probably at school when he was bullied about his weight. Maybe even when Gemma cheated on him.

L - I would say when Josh took his own life it did take Laila 8 years to get over him.

Q20 -

Both - Nope I don’t think they do maybe just each other.

Q21 -

H - Cheesy answer probably his girlfriend, he’s not materialist.

L - Probably the necklace Harry got her for her birthday.

Q22 -

H - Being a PT he needs little snacks during the day to keep up his energy.

L - She more of a 3 meal a day kinda girl as at work she doesn’t have time to snack.

Q23 -

H - Burger, steak kinda stuff as 80% of the time he needs to eat healthy.

L - Laila genially loves cooking no matter what it is.

Q24 -

H - Listening with no judgement and help resolve any problems.

L - Finding solutions for any problems.

Q25 -

H - Not sure he finds anything difficult.

L - Open up to people/letting people in.

Q26 -

H - Harry wants a dog but Laila convinced him getting a dog with the hours he works wouldn’t be fair on both the dog or him.

L - Laila is definitely a dog person. I imagine her growing up with Great Danes.

Q27 -

Both - They have nieces and nephews so know kids can be both devils and angels. They are under no illusion that kids are perfect 100% of the time.

Q28 -

Both - I would say Instagram with the jobs they have they can promote on there. I have done a fake insta post not sure if I will use it yet.

Q29 -

H - I would say he’s a pretty organised person with a little laissez-faire.

L - She’s a very organised person. She’s the kinda person that will always be early.

Q30 -

Both - No idea!

Q31 -

H - Harry would go for something a little shiny.

L - More feminine.

Q32 - What they would were to a prom at their ages now not school.

H - face claim wears these kinda suits.

L - I'm thinking something black.

Q33-

H - He’s pretty much friendly and anyone’s friend when he first meets them. His shyness left him when he gain confidence.

L - She pretty dismissive I think she throws banter at people those who can’t hack it normally don’t stick around.

Q34 -

Both can drive.

H - Being a tall lad he needs a biggish car, I picture him with an Audi Q5 but he doesn’t drive like an Audi w****r!

L - More eco friendly living in London the smaller the car the easier to get around right? She has a hybrid (I rented this when my car broke down a few years ago if we only had 2 kids this would be my car. I loved it! #dreamcar) Toyota C-HR it's small but beasty.

Q35 -

H - He’s attracted to someone who is good looking but has something about them and plays hard to get, he likes a bit of a chase and makes him work.

L - She just wants someone who’s a little easy on the eye, confident, gets her banter and gives it back.

Q36-

Both - I don’t think there is anything about either of them that hasn’t made it onto the page.

Q37 -

H - Is that possible? He is a big lad, so pretty sure he’ll be hard to kidnap.

L - I would say pending on the chapters I have released Harry would kidnap her for some kinky reasons. If all my drafts were out it would be someone else.

Q38 -

H - I would say he would unwind with a nice hot bath and snuggles with his girl.

L - Probably just chill watching tv and snacking.

Q39 -

H - Guilty pleasure...is probably binge watching a series Laila has made him watch but one he would never admit to his friends about watching.

L - Rolling over to Harry’s side of the bed when he’s left for work because it smells of him.

Q40 -

H - Call the police as he goes on a hunt for the mugger himself.

L - Call the police and make sure their OK, be their shoulder to cry on.

Q41 -

H - He’d probably punch they back in the face if it was a bloke but if it was a girl he’ll back away and try and calm her down.

L - Laila would hit back no matter the gender.

Q42 -

H - Yes, in fact it is there birthday date today 5th May.

L - Yeah, I have a 3000 word chapter of how! Hers is 5th August.

Q43 -

Both - N/A - They don’t play them kinda games.

Q44 -

@aussieez​ feel free to correct me if you think different 😉

H - I would say would be in Hufflepuff.

L - I think maybe Gryffindor.

Q45 -

H - He’s a Taurus.

L - Of course she is a Leo.

Q46 -

Both - Neither of them are religious.

Q47 -

H - He blushes when someone does something nice but he is grateful they have taken the time to do it.

L - Gets overwhelmed and sometime emotional too.

Q48 -

H - He will cry in really happy moments like if Laila said yes to marrying him or if they just had a baby (Not that this is on the cards anytime soon just an example). He doesn’t get annoyed easily.

L - Laila will cry at anything even TV shows. She gets angry or annoyed easy and if she’s hanger Harry knows he better get her food soon.

Q49 -

H - I would say Harry’s biggest fear right now is losing Laila whether it be harm coming to her or her cheating (No that won’t happen well maybe one has in drafts).

L - Again she has lost someone via a horrible illness so she’s also scared to lose Harry.

Q50 -

Both - I think it depends on their day they can both be light/heavy sleeper and have dreams/nightmares.

Lets see your answers: @aussieez​ @secretaryunpaid​ @shewillreadyou​ @lem-20​ @khoicesbyk​ @irisofpurple​

[imherongraystairstrash]

Anna & Christopher

A/N: This one’s for one of the many iconic sibling duos in tsc!! It’s not entirely centralized on Anna and Kit, but I tried my best. Oh, and there are Chog Spoilers so make sure you’ve read the book. Also, thank you guys so much for your kind comments and for liking and reblogging my last fic! It really makes my day!! Next up: Gabrily Wedding! (you guys really love Gabrily haha!! It’s a good thing they’re one of my favorites as well!) -Ana

Anna had come back from patrolling with Thomas when she heard the news: Christopher was attacked by a demon and is now lying sick in the Silent City. Anna had been laughing mere minutes before she entered her parent’s house. Laughing, while Kit was dying. Anna closed her eyes.

When she and Thomas had opened the door to her parent’s house, Anna felt a chill go through her. Cecily sitting was on the floor. Both of her hands were clutching on the telephone she was holding close to her chest. There were tears streaming down her eyes. Her father had been pacing; he was grabbing fistfuls of his hair. Alex was staring at them from behind a door with his eyes wide open. When Gabriel looked up, he walked over to Anna and Thomas and embraced them tightly. Anna knew that something terrible had happened.

Cecily had desperately tried to get permission to enter the Silent City so that she could see her oldest son, possibly for the last time. Gabriel was trying to look composed for the sake of Anna’s younger brother Alex, but he wasn’t able to manage it. Thomas was standing, though Anna could see him slightly swaying. Thomas has lost so much already in the hands of this stupid disease.

Anna still couldn’t believe it. Her brother, her sweet innocent brother, was in agony and dying in the Silent City and there was nothing she could do. The thought of him made her eyes sting and her breath come shallow. She tried to swallow the bile coming up her throat. Anna didn’t want this. They had already lost someone dear not so long ago, she couldn’t bare lose her sweet brother too.  

Anna walked into her old room. It felt strange going in there after so long. The walls were still that pastel color Anna had dreaded when she was living there. Perhaps it was because Anna had more important things to worry about, but the color didn’t seem to bother her anymore. Not that she would ever chose that color to paint anything hers, but it felt nostalgic. It reminded her of a time when she would sneak into her brother’s room and wear his terrible clothes. Anna smiled to herself as she sat down in the bed.

“Anna?”

She looked up and saw Alex, her younger brother, staring back at her. When he was born, he had very dark blue eyes, like her’s, her mother’s and Will’s. But as time progressed, Anna noticed the color changing to a more greenish blue; a mix between her Father and Mother's.

“Alex, bach, are you alright?”

“I’m scared.”

“Come here, cariad.”

Alex walked up to her and she hoisted him up, setting him down on her lap. He wrapped his arms around her.

“What frightened you, Alex?” she said softly.

“Mam got a phone call and begun screaming and crying. I thought she was dying.” Alex told her. Anna could see the fear in his eyes. He had never seen his parents in such despair. Anna planted a kiss on his head.

“Alex, do you know what happened to Christopher?”

Alex nodded, “He’s sick.”

“Yes. Mam and Papa are frightened because they don’t want to lose him.” Anna heard her voice crack slightly.

“Will Kit die?” Alex asked. The tears in his eyes made Anna’s heart break. She held him closer.

“I do not know, Bach. Hopefully, a cure is found.”

“I don’t want Kit to die. He always makes me laugh.”

Alex was clinging on to Anna, his face was pressed to her shirt. Anna stroked his soft hair.

“Kit is silly, isn’t he?”

Alex wiped his eyes and nodded.

“Do you remember when he blew up his closet?”

Alex laughed softly.

Anna’s throat began to hurt. She was not ready to lose Kit. She would never be ready.

All of a sudden, the phone rang. Anna set Alex down, and held his hand as they walked down the hall to where Cecily was answering the phone. Gabriel bent down to pick up Alex and put a hand around Anna, holding her close. Cecily’s eyes opened wide as she dropped the phone. Gabriel let go of Anna.

“Cec?” Her father sounded as though he was dreading the news.

“That was Will.” Cecily looked surprised, “Christopher made a cure before he got sick and Thomas has manufactured it. They’re taking it to the Silent City right now.”

It seemed as though the entire house sighed in relief.

“Wait,” Anna said as her parents were hugging, “Who’s ‘they’?”

“Oh, Alastair Carstairs, Cordelia’s brother.”

Interesting, thought Anna.

“Are we going to see Kit now?” Alex asked.

“Oh no, honey. You are going to stay with Uncle Gideon and Aunt Sophie for a while.” Cecily said, planting a kiss on his head. Alex frowned.

“You can see him tomorrow, bach.” Gabriel said softly.

Alex nodded. Anna felt bad for Alex, but she knew it would be better he didn’t see Kit in the state he was. She did not know what the injuries looked like, but she could only assume they were not pretty.

Anna kissed Alex’s head before he walked through the portal. Gideon and Henry were waiting on the other side. Her father’s brother looked older after the untimely death of his oldest daughter, Barbara. Nonetheless, he was smiling sadly as he watched Alex walk through, and took he hand.

Cecily was kissing Christopher forehead over and over while holding his face in her hands, repeating loving words in Welsh. She had practically flung herself at him, and didn’t seem to be letting go anytime soon. Christopher (who was dazed from the antidote) was confused when he saw his Mam with tears in her eyes, caressing his face (which was burning up) with her cold hands. Gabriel appeared behind her and put his hand on Kit’s head, stroking his hair softly. Christopher had suffered greatly when the poison was in his body. All he wanted was to have his father hold him close in his arms, like he used to do when he was younger. He wanted Mam to kiss him on the forehead like she does whenever he leaves the house. He wanted Anna to ruffle his hair and to tell him to stop ruining his clothes. He wanted to see Alex smile and Thomas’ company Uncle Henry’s lab. These happy memories ran through his head, as though to show how lonely he was.

He didn’t want to die alone.

“Kit,” Thomas had said, his voice hoarse as he gave him the antibody, “Kit, you did it, your antidote worked. Some Shadowhunters are already recovering.” Behind him Alastair stood there, watching. Kit did not understand why he was there, but he was not here anymore. Maybe hallucinations were a side effect; he had to write that down.

Now, his Mam had moved to embrace Thomas and then Matthew, who was taken by surprise. His Papa had moved to the side to make space for Anna, who was smiling widely at him.

“What happened, Kit?”

“Oh,” Christopher was confused. He turned to his father. “Did you not inform Anna that I was attacked by a demon?”

Gabriel and Anna laughed. Christopher was even more confused.

“Only you could find a cure for a disease, be on your deathbed while it’s being made and not understand something as simple as sarcasm.” Anna said.

Sarcasm. “I don’t like that word. It always confuses me.”

Anna and Gabriel laughed again. Cecily scolded them for confusing Christopher while he had been so close to death, not even an hour ago. Anna took his hand and laughed through her apology, which got Gabriel smiling. Christopher blinked. He was very confused.

Uncle Will and Aunt Tessa later came with Lucie. Though he enjoyed their company, Christopher didn’t exactly know why they were here. It felt like a reunion. Maybe he had died and this was heaven. Or hell. He couldn’t really tell without his glasses on.

“Am I dead?”

“Yes.” Anna said

Gabriel and Will both burst out laughing. Cecily elbowed Gabriel as he covered his mouth. Will looked at the ceiling, a wide smile across his face, trying to contain a laugh. Cecily had a murderous look on her face, before turning to Kit sweetly.

“No, Bach. Thankfully,” She turned and shot a look at Gabriel, “You are alive. Unfortunately, both your father and your Uncle Will act like children.”

“What about Anna? She was the reason we began laughing.” said Will.

“I thought you were the Cool Uncle, Will.” Anna said

“I would rather be Mean Uncle Will than have Cecily beat me up.”

“More like the Cowardly Uncle.” Tessa said.

Although everybody laughed, Will looked betrayed. Christopher patted his hand, which was resting on the bed frame, with his own.

Anna watched as Gabriel helped Kit walk up the stairs back to ground level. When they got there, James was still propped up against the tree, talking with Matthew. James Herondale looked as if he had fallen off of a tree on his face, onto pavement, and slid three blocks. And that was an understatement.

“Time to get up, Jamie bach.” Will said cheerfully as Jamie groaned.

“We probably should have gotten a carriage instead of coming by foot.” said Will.

James, who had his eyes closed until then, opened them wide. “Is that a joke?”

“Unfortunately, no.”

James looked over at Tessa.

“Sorry, Jamie.”

James winced as Will tried to get him on his feet.

“Don’t hurt him.” Tessa said.

Will threw a fake punch at James’ face causing Tessa to shake her head. Anna couldn’t help but notice how every time James winced, Will did as well, as though it caused him physical pain to watch his son struggle. Anna thought back at how Cecily had acted when Kit was dying. She couldn’t imagine how broken Sophie and Gideon were. To know that they will never see Barbara again. The thought felt like a dagger piercing Anna’s heart.

They all departed at the same time. Towards the back, Will was making terrible jokes, which induced several groans from James, Lucie and Matthew. Each step James took was labored and heavy, almost painfully to watch.  

Christopher walked along side Anna as they headed towards the house. The antidote worked perfectly, and her brother was soon walking without difficulty, though his chest must still be in pain.

“You scared us, Kit.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Anna’s heart broke, “It was not your fault.”

“Oh,”

They were silent for a while. From a distance they could hear Will.

“You know Jamie, when you were a baby, I used to be afraid to drop you because you looked like me and was therefore so beautiful. But since your face is ugly and messed up, now I can drop you all I want! It won’t make a difference!” he said, swaying James slightly.

“Will, if you drop Jamie, I will divorce you.” said Tessa.

“I will approve of that divorce.” James said, wincing through each step.

Anna turned her attention back to Kit. “Alex really wanted to see you.”

Christopher looked around. “Where is he?”

“He’s with Uncle Gideon.”

“Oh.”

Anna looked around. Gabriel had an arm over Cecily and was holding her close to him as they walked. Thomas was talking with Lucie. Matthew was beside Will and James, there to help if they needed it, but as always, he seemed a bit distant. Tessa was looking worriedly as Will helped James walk. Despite all of his joking around, Will was supporting James with all of the care in the world.

“I’m glad you are here, Kit.”

“Me too. I was afraid I was going to die alone in the dark.”

Anna wrapped her arms around her brother.

“As long as I live, you will never die alone, Kit.”

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

Art Reflects Life, and Lying is an Art

CHAPTER ONE

Chat Noir just wants to be a good friend, Ladybug just wants to be a good person, and it would be so much easier for both of them if they could actually talk.   Instead, they’re stuck navigating a web of secrets.   But sometimes, a half-truth is better than nothing, and sometimes lies are closer to the truth than anything else.   

Pairing: Ladynoir

Word Count: about 2000

Notes: this first chapter is basically just 2,000 words of Ladynoir hurt/comfort, taking place about two weeks after the season 3 finale

Warnings: copious amounts of angst, anxiety, mentions of nausea, self-depricating thoughts, characters having unhealthy amounts of repression as a direct result of akumas being a thing, death mention, sickness mention, crying, it ends on a fluffy note but there’s still a lot that’s not resolved

  “Milady?”    “What?”    “You know how earlier today, you chose to have Carapace help us out?” Chat asked, leaning against the railing that Ladybug had just climbed on top of.      “Yeah, we were facing an akuma that was surrounded by a wall of enchanted hail.   We needed a shield.   Why?  Were you disappointed?”    “Oh, no no no, I love working with Carapace, I just thought, maybe, y'know...”    Ladybug turned back to smirk at her partner, resting a hand on her hip, which was probably unwise while perched on such a tiny ledge atop a six-story building.  “No, I don’t know, kitty, so you’re going to have to tell me.”    Chat Noir had turned bright red and was looking anywhere but her eyes.  He muttered something unintelligible that ended in a squeak.      She had no clue what he was so embarrassed about, but couldn’t help feeling amused that her infuriatingly smooth partner was currently tripping over himself.  Especially because he was also grinning so widely that it was contagious.    “I thought maybe... one of these days... we could... maybe...” he took a deep breath. “team up with Multimouse again?”  The way his eyes were sparkling with hope would’ve been adorable if Marinette had been functioning properly anymore.      Marinette honestly had no idea what emotion it did spark inside of her, but she knew it wasn't the right one.  She tried for a smile anyway, fighting nausea and the sudden exhaustion and trying to pretend like the ambient light of the sky hadn’t just become physically painful.  She was pretty sure she failed at hiding it, though, based on Chat Noir’s guilty expression.      “Listen, I know you told me to just drop it, but-”    “She compromised her secret identity, you know the rules.”  Ladybug could do this.  She could have this conversation.  She just had to stay professional.  She was fine.  She was totally way more than 15 seconds from throwing up.  She was- oh God, Chat Noir was still talking and she had no idea what she had missed him say.    She caught onto his tone, rushed and desperate before she managed to tune into the actual words.  “-and a couple of weeks ago you let Ryuuko come back even though actual Hawkmoth knows her identity, which is honestly so much worse, and then there was-”    “Chat!” she interrupted, wincing at how harsh she had sounded.  She tried to lower her tone to something that resembled a rational human.  “Please, just let it go.”    “OK, but-” he stopped short at her glare, and his ears twitched back in agitation, which would have made her feel worse if she had any further to go. “Okay, I’m not going to mention her if it bothers you that much, but can I ask a different question?”    “Go ahead.”  Her voice sounded way more hollow than she intended.  She desperately needed to get a grip.    “Why do we still need the secret identity rule at all?”    “What?”  She jerked up to look at him, stumbling in the process, and he leaped to catch her before she fell off the roof,  Chat Noir gently helped her sit down, hugging her close in the process, which felt unfairly good.  And then he scooted back a meter, which she knew was just to be respectful. Despite her common sense, she desperately wanted to grab his arm and pull him back against her.   She fought down that impulse and watched him chew on his lip as he tried to sort out his thoughts.    “Why does it matter if one of us finds out someone’s secret identity?  Who’s going to stop us?  Because I’m sure you’ve noticed that Master Fu isn’t going to be taking away anyone’s Miraculous anytime soon.”    “Kitty...”  Seriously though, why was she so cold now?   When had he gotten so warm?  She had hugged him before, she would’ve noticed if he’d felt like a heated blanket.       More importantly, when had she gotten so terrible at paying attention to anything?  She groaned, which Chat seemed to take as a sign that she was mad at him.      “I’m sorry, I’ll stop asking now, I promise I won’t ask again, I just-” His voice cracked and he took a shaky breath. “It’s fine,” he said. And then, of course, he immediately started sobbing.    She didn’t think.  She didn’t even have conscious control over her limbs.  All she knew was that Chat Noir was crying and it somehow made her feel even worse than the constant ickiness of the past few months, and then all of a sudden she found herself with Chat Noir in her lap, squeezing him more tightly than she probably should and pressing her face against his hair.      “Shhh... shhh... Minou... It’s okay, I’m not upset”    He was shaking with his sobs and hyperventilating and she had no idea what had caused this, except that it probably had something to do with her.  Thankfully, he pulled himself together after less than a minute, before they had to deal with any purple butterflies.    There was no way she would have been able to handle that.   Still, whatever she felt when he caught his breath and faked a smile was less “relief” and more “filing away the image to a mental folder of reasons she was going to kill Hawkmoth.”     Marinette kept petting his hair and muttering nonsense until he was purring with his head on her shoulder.   He smelled really nice, she noticed, and his hair was way softer than she had thought.    Also, she was pretty sure that she was losing her mind.       "Such a pretty kitty," she cooed.   "You're such a gorgeous little kitty, so sweet and precious."     Her mouth refused to listen to her brain begging it to stop.     Chat Noir hummed.   At least he looked a lot calmer now.   "love you, milady," he finally said.     "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, and his expression was immediately added to her "reasons to murder Hawkmoth" list.     "I- I want to, but I don't think I can.   I really don't want to get myself akumatized, and besides, I don't think I can explain anything without compromising my secret identity.   It's not your fault though, it's just civilian stuff."     Except it kind of was her fault, because she was the one who refused to let him talk about his civilian life ever.       "Okay, um, what about if you just kept it really vague, and left out the parts that would give up your identity?   Or you could change some details so it can't be traced back to civilian you?"     Chat Noir nodded, and she could feel him tense up as he prepared to speak.       "My-" Adrien stopped, searching for an explanation that would be close enough to reality.   How was he supposed to explain that he hadn't seen Natalie since the day that they had fought Hearthunter and Miracle Queen, and that everyone was dodging questions about it?   Where could even begin to explain the craziness that lead up to this being his life?       "My, um, my stepmom is really sick," okay, good start, "and I'm scared, and I-"     He realized, with what was definitely an unhealthy amount of numbness, that he was hyperventilating again.   He couldn't get akumatized; he couldn't do that to Ladybug.   He buried his face in Ladybug's shoulder and focused on the way she was tracing abstract patterns across his back with her fingertips.   "My dad won't tell me anything, but he's gotten really tense, and he's snapping at me even more than usual."   He didn't even realize how stressed he had become until he realized that he could hear the scratchy sound of his tail whipping back and forth across the pavement.   "And," he whispered, "this is the same thing that happened with my mom, before she-"       Back to the breathing exercises: breathe in for four counts, hold for eight counts, breathe out for eight counts.   He was strong.   He could say what he needed to without causing the end of the world.   He wasn't going to let a little something like his body's reactions to unbearable stress get in the way.     "My friends are all avoiding me, not on purpose I don't think, but they're all busy studying for finals or working on projects or whatever they do, and my dad is refusing to let me out of the house anyway; it's gotten even harder to sneak out for akuma battles, and I-" another few deep breaths.   "I don't want to go home, but I'm also so scared to leave ever because I think she got a lot worse during an akuma attack a few weeks ago and I'm so scared that I'll miss something."     He was expecting to feel terrible and hopeless.   He was absolutely not expecting to feel calmer than he had in weeks.   But with Ladybug petting his hair while he listened to her heartbeat and the wind swirling against him, and his worries finally out in the open, he felt almost content.    Whatever the opposite of claustrophobia was, this moment was flooded with it.       "I'm so sorry," Ladybug said.   "I had no idea..."     "You couldn't have, I never told you."     "Still, I'm really sorry.   You don't deserve-"     "Life isn't really about what people 'deserve' though, is it?"     She fidgeted with her fingers, avoiding eye contact with him.   "I'm not trying to pry, but if money is an issue in your family, my family would always be willing to help out."     Adrien burst out laughing.   "Don't worry, that's not a problem."     "But really," he said "I am okay, I feel much better already just because we talked."   He didn't even attempt to fight the urge to sweep one of Ladybug's flyaway hairs behind her ear, and he may have actually swooned when she leaned into his touch.           "I really should've talked to you sooner, we have to do this more often."    Ladybug tilted her head up to look straight into Chat Noir's eyes.   "Next time something big happens, you can tell me, okay?   Even if it's the middle of the night, I'll be there as soon as you call."   Her eyes were shiny.   "You're always there for me and I want to be there for you too."     She was looking at him so intensely and seriously that Chat Noir didn't have any other choice but to nod his head just as solemnly.     And then they were back to cuddling in silence.   Adrien was brimming with restless energy and needed to do something with his hands, so he found himself braiding Ladybug's hair without any memory of starting.   She closed her eyes and they leaned against each other and let the conversation hang in the air.   Church bells started ringing across the street, announcing that it was already 5 o'clock.     "I'm really sorry," Adrien pulled himself to his feet, discovering in the process that his legs had fallen asleep, "but I really have to go now.   Thank you so much for-" he gestured wildly in the air "-everything."    "Thank you, too, for everything that you always do for me."     Marinette could see the light coming back into her partner's eyes and it made her heart flutter.       "It was really CAThartic, don't you think?" he smirked.     "Oh my God."   She rolled her eyes, but she was giggling uncontrollably and her hands still rested on his hips.     "It's nice to take a PAWS every once in a while"     "You're so dumb, I love you"     She only realized what she had said after it was out of her mouth, and then resolved to wait for another day to figure out her emotions.   Now was really not the time.     "We're definitely meeting up like this again, though, right?" he asked     "Oh, absolutely"     "Next time, are you going to tell me what drama happened between you and Marinette that made you hate her?"     She smiled slyly.   "I guess you'll have to wait and see."     And then, with one last hug goodbye, they swung off into different directions, ready to face their everyday lives.