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crashdevlin · 1 year

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Losses and Gains 5- Messages

Author’s Note: This is the fifth chapter of Losses and Gains, the second part of To Have it All. This is Something More...from Jensen's side!

Summary: Songs can convey messages...and sometimes they convey the exact one Jensen wants conveyed.

Pairing: Jensen x Reader, background Reader x Tom Hiddleston

Word count: 3191

Story Warnings: open marriage, mentions of depression and heartbreak, bad things, alcohol as a crutch, anger, fighting, mentions of divorce

~~~

Drunk on set is not a good look for anybody, but sobbing on set isn't a good look either, and I knew I had to numb the pain in my heart to get through a workday. Having seen Y/n with Tom on the Late Show and in several red carpet interviews where he didn't let his hand stray from her lower back, it proved that Y/n and Tom were going to last. They were stuck on each other, and I lost her.

I got bitter with Danneel again pretty quickly. As soon as she mentioned my drinking, I stopped holding it back.

"So, what, you're gonna take away my liquor like you took away Y/n? I'm not allowed to have anything I want?"

Dee scoffed loudly. "I didn't take Y/n away from you! She chose to leave you to find happ-"

"She left because you were a bitch, and you made her feel cheap and used when I made her feel appreciated and loved, and now she's with a guy that holds her hand and touches her possessively on red carpets, and you drove her there because you got jealous of her when it wasn't-"

"You fell in love, and she was ruining everything! I was within my rights to put her in her place and-"

"I never should have let you meet! You ruined everything. I ruined everything. She did nothing, but you ran her off, and that's not okay!"

"No, she was a complete angel who did nothing but steal you from your wife."

"She didn't steal me! You gave me away! You encouraged me to be with-"

"I gave you what you wanted! And, ya know what, I'll give you what you want now, too," she said before hanging up on me. I was too hammered to be worried about what that might mean.

Gino messaged me a couple of days later. What did you do? Why is D talking to a lawyer?

Shit.

There was no positive thinking my way out of this. Danneel was going to divorce me. Y/n was happy with Tom. I had fucked myself out of everything good in my life. So I doubled down on my drinking.

Jared must've gotten worried when I stopped answering the phone. I mean, it died, I didn't charge it, so there was no way to answer his calls or texts. I was busy with my scotch anyway. He came by the condo, used the spare key I gave him before Y/n even moved in, and picked me up off the floor in my bathroom. How I ended up there is a mystery for Glenlivet and me.

"Jesus, Ackles. What have you done to yourself?"

"Doesn'even madder, man. Nuffin madders."

Jared sighed, a sad understanding in his eyes as he set me on the edge of the tub and kneeled in front of me. "What happened?"

"Danneel’s done. Y/n's done. I'm done. Nothin' madders."

"What, the show doesn't matter? The fans don’t matter? I don't matter?"

"I didn't say-" I started to argue as his phone beeped with a message. He grabbed me a glass of water and handed it to me.

"You've fucked everything up, but that doesn't mean you get to fuck my stuff up. You're gonna sober the hell up and get dressed, and we're gonna go to work, Jensen, because when you're down this low, you have to find something to fight for. It's not Dee or Y/n, so let it be me. Let it be your kids. Let it be your goddamn dog if you need. But you're gonna find something…" His words trailed off as he pulled out his phone. "...to fight for. Gimme a second. Drink that," he said, pointing at the water as he dialed a number and walked a few feet away.

I strained to hear him, curious about what could steal his attention from me at that moment. "You okay?” he asked quietly. “What’s wrong? What’s the problem?”

“Whossat?” I asked, cringing a bit at how slurred the words were.

“Doesn’t matter, dude. Drink your water.” Jared snapped, looking over his shoulder at me as I tried to stand. He turned his attention back to the phone, and his tone softened a little. “You better not hang up on me. I have time and energy enough for both of you. Tell me what’s wrong.”

He doesn't talk to a lot of people like that. Firm, supportive, brotherly. I knew it was her. I needed another drink, and water wasn't going to do the trick. “Okay. I understand that. Where are you right now?” he asked. I imagined she responded that she was in London or somewhere far away with Tom. Far away from me, from Jared, from anyone...and she seemed to be having trouble too. But not me-trouble...her-trouble, brain-trouble. I used to be the one who'd help her.

“Did you talk to him?” Jared asked as I picked up the bottle from where it rolled under the sink. He pulled the phone away from his ear when he noticed me. “Damn it, Jensen, put down the scotch.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, Padalecki. I’m fine.” It was a lie, but who cares?

“We have to be on set in three hours, and you need to sober the fuck up.” That was the truth, though. Unfortunately. Jared turned his attention back to her, and I set the bottle on the bathroom vanity. “Sorry about that. Have you talked to him?” He nodded as I ran warm water and splashed my face. “Okay. How have you been sleeping?”

He listened to her answer, nodding. “You're not drinking, are you?” Jared cleared his throat, seeming purposely to avoid looking at me. “Not anything? When’s the last time you hit the gym? You know that can help a lot.”

He nodded as I took a drink of my water. I contemplated a sandwich or a bagel as he adjusted the phone. "Look, I know that hotel has an on-site gym. Get some sweats on and go jump on an elliptical.”

By the way he smiled, I knew that she’d agreed. He was good at making people take care of themselves. I looked down at the water in my hand and took a drink.

“You know that you can call me anytime you need me.” She said something that made him look over at me. “Yeah. Hey, are you going to be making it to Toronto?”

I scoffed and stood. “She’s not gonna be there when we’re there, Padalecki. You’re not gonna get to see her. Nobody gets time with her except Loki.”

Jared gave me a look between tired and sad and kept looking at me as I leaned against the sink and took another drink of water. “Is there any possibility that I can convince you to stick around and have lunch with me on Sunday?” I was eager to know what she’d say, so I leaned a bit toward him. I couldn’t hear the words, but I knew she responded that she’d have to ask Tom. “Well, come on…he doesn’t own you, Y/n. If you want to see me on a Sunday, you should be able just to do that.” Jared sounded just as irritated with that answer as I was. He sighed and adjusted his beanie. “Okay. Feel better. Text me when you know if you can make it to lunch. Bye.”

I cleared my throat and left the bathroom, heading for the kitchen to get myself something to soak up the whiskey. “Trouble in paradise?” I asked, pulling open the fridge as Jared followed me.

“It’s none of your business. You need to focus on your own trouble.”

“Right. Which trouble is that gonna be?” I grabbed a takeout container from the diner I ordered from three days before and tossed it in the microwave without looking at the food. “The fact that Danneel is gonna divorce me? The fact that I can’t go a day without crying lately? The fact that I’m ruining your life too, just by being attached to you? Which trouble should I focus on?”

“Danneel is gonna divorce you because you couldn’t get your head out of your ass.”

I shrugged. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter.”

His eyebrows went up. “It doesn’t matter? It doesn’t matter that your wife is going to divorce you?”

I shook my head. “Nah. I’m too tired for this shit.”

“You’re too tired? To fight for your marriage?”

“I’m too tired to fight for any-fucking-thing.” The microwave beeped as it reached 0, and I pulled out the pancake breakfast. “I’m just physically and emotionally exhausted, Jared.”

He scoffed and scratched his eyebrow. “This is the stupidest shit you’ve ever said, man. You need to fix this.”

I nodded and flipped open the takeout container. “Yeah. Would’ve been easier before all this shit.”

“Yeah, probably, but you gotta think of your kids and your future. Y/n isn’t part of that anymore. Dee…well, she might not be either, but you gotta make things easier. Do me a favor, Ackles…if you have to drink, do it on the off days…and less hard liquor. You might be Dean Winchester, but you don’t have his plot armor liver, right?”

I scoffed and nodded. “Yeah, okay. Beer, it is.”

“Thank you,” he said, and then he hugged me. Jared’s got magic hugs…and I almost felt better for a few minutes.

Just for a few.

~~~

<<Are you singing for Toronto?

I stared down at my phone for a while. It was a perfectly normal question that Steve Norton asked before every convention. Am I singing for the Saturday Night Special? Used to fill me with apprehension, then with giddiness, now though…sadness. I used to get up and listen to Y/n. I used to sing with her. We used to have the time of our lives backstage and then head to my damn hotel to make love. What was I supposed to do?

But Y/n was going to be there. She always was. She loves singing…and I could at least listen to her and get lost in some memories of the better times…and maybe I could get a message across in the meantime. Maybe I could use Saturday Night Special to get her to understand how much pain I was really feeling…in a gentle way. In a way that wouldn’t hurt her. In a way that said I was hurting, but I was gonna be okay. Maybe.

>>Yeah. I’ll sing one.

I kept tabs on her through Twitter and stuff for Friday. She seemed good. She seemed happy. She always seemed happy. I had to wonder how much of that was bullshit, though, because she had just been on the phone to Jared less than two weeks ago. She was just having troubles bad enough to call on the moose. But she did the karaoke, and she took pictures in the green room, and she smiled and laughed with the fans at her panel. She seemed put together.

I wasn’t even close, but I put some concealer on under my eyes and gel in my hair. I put on a leather jacket, and I went to SNS. I made a point to stay by the door so I could see her when she arrived, but Jason pulled me away to talk about something completely insignificant that completely distracted me, and I barely noticed when she walked in. Rob walked up to confirm what I was singing, and I acted like I had hardly thought about it.

“I dunno. I’m not really feelin’ upbeat music. Want somethin’ powerful, painful. So, no ‘Whipping Post’ or anything Eagles or whatnot. I’m thinking…Johnny Cash’s cover of ‘Hurt’.”

Rob nodded. “Sure. We can pull the acoustic out. I think that’ll sound awesome. You, uh, you doin’ okay, though?”

I smiled as bright as I could. “I’m great, Rob. It’s gonna be an amazing show.”

Rob smiled back and turned to look at Y/n, and I couldn’t ignore her anymore. She was standing just ten feet away, and she had to have been listening to us. “Y/n, are you gonna do ‘Gunpowder and Lead’?” he asked.

“No. I-I told Stephen a week ago that I was doing ‘Dead Flowers,” she squeaked. She was stumbling over her words and singing a depressing song. She was all out of sorts. For some reason, seeing it up close made me feel a bit better. She wasn’t happy…and that meant I didn’t have to work to maintain her happiness. I didn’t have to let her be happy with Tom because she wasn’t fucking happy.

I looked away, angry with myself for even thinking that shit. It’d be petty to rub it in her face. It’d be shitty.

“Oh, yeah! Sorry. I forgot. It’s on the setlist and everything. Shit.”

“It’s cool. There’s a reason there’s a setlist,” Y/n said with an awkward smile. Rob just nodded and walked away, leaving Y/n and me just standing there. “Well, this is gonna be a depressing set. Swain should cover it with ‘Mama’s Jam’ or something.” Her trying to break the tension made me wanna have a big ol’ glass of Jack, so I walked away toward the plastic folding table they set up a makeshift wet bar on. I had just gotten there and was about to pick up a Solo cup when I heard, “Don’t drink.” I could almost feel her forcing herself to say the words; the way she spoke was so apprehensive and sad. I set my hands flat on the table, forcing myself to stay turned in the opposite direction, facing away from her where I couldn’t see her face, and she couldn’t see mine. “It’s not helping you.”

“That’s not any of your fucking business now, is it?” I spat out in a kneejerk reaction. But it gave me a chance to remember that I’d told Jared I would lay off the whiskey. I grabbed a beer from the cooler next to the table and walked away to let the others distract me.

The night went by pretty easily, but then Y/n got up on stage. ‘Dead Flowers’. “I feel like the flowers in this vase…They’re sittin’ in a vase, but now they’re dead. Dead flowers.” Shit. I felt that in my soul. The worst part was that I could tell that she felt it in her soul, too. She wasn’t happy. She missed me. She felt like dead flowers, so why wasn’t she coming back?!

Was it too complicated now? Was she still scared that Dee was leaving because fuck, that was already pretty much a done deal? Was she afraid of the backlash if she left him? Was he just…better even if he made her sad?

Her voice started wavering in the second verse, but that’s when the band came in hard, so they covered her for the audience…but not for me. Not for Kim or Bri. Everyone could tell that she had wrapped herself up in her emotions, and it was hitting her. As soon as she got down from the stage, Kim and Briana ran over to be with her. They took no time holding her and whispering to her. It made things a little better for me because I couldn’t comfort her, not that I was in a comforting mindset in the first place, but they could. She still had other members of the Family that would lift her, even when Jared wasn’t around. That was good…and it meant that there would be support for her when I got up there and sent my message.

Looking out at the audience as Rob grabbed his acoustic and stepped to the side, I saw a sea of people who just adored everything about me. Of course, none of them knew the mess I was underneath the mask, under the smile and the makeup and the leather jacket. Fuck, some of them would have adored me more if they knew I was falling apart. They would have loved the emotional honesty of the thing…and maybe that’s why so many of them went star-eyed when I started in on those painful lyrics. “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.”

I put every ounce of my emotion into those words. Every drop of misery and heartache into “And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.” because I wanted her to feel it. I wanted her to know. I wasn’t drinking to put some guilt trip on her. I wasn’t drinking to help me. I was drinking because I had to…because it was the only way.

I waved at the fans, gave a slight bow to them to show my thanks, and then I slowly descended the stage area. Y/n was frantically wiping at her eyes. Her cheeks were wet, and she had obviously been bawling by the puffiness and redness in the whites of her eyes. She got the message. She felt it. Good.

~~~

“So, you got the chance to see her tonight, right?” Jared barely greeted me on the phone call before he jumped into the hard stuff. “Are you okay?”

“She’s not okay. Jared, she’s not happy.”

I could hear him sigh. “She said she’s-”

“She’s lying!” I insisted.

“How do you know?”

“Because I know her!” I rubbed my eye and licked my lips, feeling guilty about snapping at him. “I know her, and she isn’t okay. She’s singing about dead flowers and crying…and she called you a few days ago so I know you know she’s not-”

“She was having a bad day. She’s allowed.”

I rolled my eyes. “No, she wasn’t having a bad day. She’s having a bad life, but she knows she made her choice. She’s not happy. She’s not-”

“What do you expect to do about it? Like you said, she made her choice. Did she give any indication that she regretted making that choice?”

I shook my head and sat on the edge of my hotel bed. “No. But…come on, Jared. You know this doesn’t sit right. You know she’s not happy.”

“I know that she’s had a few low moments, but that doesn’t mean she’s not happy. I have low moments, too.”

“It’s not the same.”

“How exactly is it different?”

“I…I don’t know, but it’s different. This isn’t…Jared, just…when you see her tomorrow, fix it. Make her tell you what’s actually wrong.”

“I’m not going to make her do anything. But I’ll figure out if she’s okay and do what I can to help her. That’s the best I can promise.”

“Guess that’ll have to do.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Right.” I hung up and flopped backward on the bed. I stared at the ceiling for a few moments before I let my eyes close.

#cassie writes stuff #spn rpf #jensen x reader #angst #divorce #tom hiddleston x reader

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sara78 · 2 years

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Family don't end in blood - chapter 7

Summary: Things finally seem to look up for Y/N and she's looking forward to the little break from filming, she's closing in on the first semester and life is just good, but an unexpected appearance threatens to break down everything she's worked on the past months...

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x foster!daughter reader

Word count: very close to 5,000

Warnings: mentions of abuse, protective!Jensen, angst, so much angst, nightmares, Danneel is honestly the only sane person here

Transcription - Y/M/L - your mother language, Y/H/C - your home country

A/N: This is where things start to build up...

You were finally settling into the routine, the filming, school work, life in general. You finally found balance in your everyday life, and you can definitely thank Jensen for helping you with everything that came up along the way.

You were excitedly counting down the days until you get to go back to Austin and be there for the twins' birthday. You haven't been that excited about something in a long time.

But as of now, you, Jensen, Jared, and Misha are walking to get some lunch. Of course, Jared was being Jared and pulled yet another prank on Misha. And of course, taking in the fact how serious y'all are, Richard got sick and tired of y'alls bullshit and sent you to have some lunch and cool off before continuing with filming, for sake of his as much as yours.

"You are a monster!" Misha exclaimed, Jared laughing,

"I can't believe that what, 12 years later, you still fall for his stupid pranks," Jensen said, all three of you giggling as Misha groaned,

"I just might ask craft and supplies to buy me some popcorn for next time, cause you guys are my favorite movie to watch," you laughed, Jensen's phone ringing,

"Oh, it's Dee. Get me some steak and salad, kiddo. I'll catch up with you guys."

"I'm so gonna put something spicy in his meal," Jared giggled evily,

"Jared Tristan Padalecki woke up and chose violence," you said, Misha rolling his eyes,

"That's his default setting, kid," he stated, Jared nudging his arm playfully,

"Oh I love you too," Jared stated, taking his phone out, "I gotta check in with Gen. I'll take my meal when I make it. You keep a seat for me, kid," he said, ruffling your hair and drifting away as well,

"I'll just drop by and give Sarah my trench coat so that she can wash it up since this is not presentable anymore," Misha said, "Keep me a seat too! Preferably as far from Jared as possible," he called out from the distance, making you giggle as you showed him a thumbs-up, leaving to get some food.

While you were walking to the catering, you pulled your phone out to read over all the texts your friend, well, more sister, sent you. The time zones are kind of messing with your friendship but oh well, it's not like she's a night owl anyways, so you get to text very often. You caught up with all the texts from her and swapped to discord, where you had a group of close friends you'd study with whenever you needed company.

As you were walking you bumped into something, or someone. You immediately turned around after bumping into whatever it was, wanting to apologize for being a clumsy idiot if it was a person you bumped into.

But when you lifted your eyes up from the phone, you froze.

"Watch your steps, whore," a voice called you out, making you gulp. You swore you felt all will to live drained from your body and soul right there and now, as you stared at the person you'd never expect to see here. You were speechless, hands shaking as they put the phone back into your pocket. The person smiled at you evily, making your blood run cold, "Awww, what's the matter? Are you scared of your own mom?" you clenched your jaw, all the anger accumulating in you slowly but surely.

If she left from set without a bloody nose she should consider herself lucky. Everything was coming down but you still didn't know what to do. Do you attack, talk back, run away?

"Since when do you speak English? You don't even speak Y/M/L properly."

"I want to show you that everything is possible. Even me learning this filthy language," she began, "To prove you that you could have done exactly the same. You could have studied and become a scientist in Russia and-"

"Did you seriously travel for more than 30 hours just to tell me all of that shit over again?" you asked, huffing a laugh, "I can't believe this. You're still living in the past. I'm done," you pointed out, "I'm done being a puppet you control. I'm done being a punching bag you take all of your anger out on. I'm done being your daughter. I'm done being related to you. For all I know, I shouldn't be talking to a stranger."

"Drop the bullshit, bitch," she spat out,

"No, I'm not gonna drop it. I've had it up to here with you," you said, gesturing, "I'm done being manipulated and controlled, I'm done being beaten and hurt and called out. I don't deserve what you've done to me. You brought me into this world only to blame me for everything that has ever happened and to make me into this robot you control. I'm not supposed to be what you want me to be. I'm supposed to build my own future and make my own choices, whether right or wrong."

"I see you're still blind," she responded, "Me controlling you? How can you stay blind after all these years? I'm giving you a future!"

"A future?" you huffed, "This is my future. For the next few months, this is my future. My future is to finish high school, to make my own choices and be my own person. My future is to heal from everything you've fed me with. But then, you don't know of the term mental health, so you wouldn't know what I'm talking about."

"Stop being a bitch or I make you shut that filthy mouth of yours," she said, taking a step towards you, making you take a step back as you flinched,

"Yeah, that's how you deal with everything. Beat Y/N up. That's the only card you know how to play."

"You little blind bitch. I'm trying to secure your future, to make you successful!"

"And I can't do that by myself, in a branch I choose? I can't be a successful actress, or a video game designer, or a mathematician or a musician? It has to be medicine, biology, whatever the fuck the thing is on your mind? You are not doing anything but wanting to make me into this super famous person so you can show off to others how smart your daughter is. That same daughter you beat behind closed doors. Have you ever bragged about that? How gentle of a mother you are?"

"KIDDO!" Dean Winchester's voice in full swing echoed in the air and you felt a stone rolling off your heart as you saw him run towards you. He immediately grabbed you for your arm and pulled you aside. Though it was rough, it wasn't meant for hurting you, but for quickly moving you back behind him, where you were safe and out of reach for your mother,

"Oh great. The old fuck."

"Who the hell are you?" Jensen asked,

"Oh, you don't know!" your mother exclaimed, taking a step back. You grabbed at Jensen's flannel and pulled him three steps back with you. Jensen looked you in the eye and you must have had such a scared expression that he immediately dropped the attention on your mother and immediately turned to you,

"Kiddo, who is that?"

"My-my mother," you breathed, feeling your chest tighten up, "She's-she's my mother."

It took Jensen one swift motion to pick you up and settle you on his hip, same way Dean did to your character numerous of times before,

"You're safe. As long as my arms are around you, you're safe. I promise," he whispered.

You couldn't do much but lean your head against his shoulder as you tried to take deep breaths and not go into a panic attack,

"I want you to leave," Jensen spoke up, turning to face your mother, "You have no business being here. Go your own way."

"Oh, but she is my business," your mother spoke up. You shook your head and Jensen squeezed you tighter,

"Oh, look how gentle and soft you are with her. That's how you raise a whiny bastard. My methods haven't worked quite well, unfortunately, as she's still a whiny little bitch."

"Yeah, when you beat your daughter up with whatever comes to hand she craves for a soft touch, something that won't hurt her," he responded,

"What I was doing was raising a strong independent woman. Now, only thing I have left is to kick that bitchy attitude out of her and make her into a scientist so she can finally contribute to this family and be useful for once."

"Oh no, you're not coming near her," Jensen shook his head, "You aren't taking her anywhere."

"Oh sweetie, that's not your decision to make. Besides, I have no problem showing you a few moves I've used on her. I'm sure she'll obey after she revises them with me."

"No," you spoke up, Jensen still holding you tightly, "You're not going to hurt him."

"You be a grown-up and talk to your mother!" she exclaimed. You looked at Jensen, nodding. He gulped, letting you down but tightly holding you, your back pressing against his chest, "Now, about the parenting preferences. Don't you have three kids of your own? You should start using some belt on them if you want them to grow up strong and independent."

"Oh you don't tell me how to raise my children," Jensen growled, "I'm never going to hurt my kids. Whatever they do, I'd never hurt them."

"Oh, you're making a big mistake."

"Yeah, whatever makes you sleep better at night," he responded, "Children cannot in any way be responsible for whatever is happening in your life. Yes, they might break a glass, shatter a window, spill milk, crack their head open, but they are never doing things on purpose and when mistakes happen, you talk to them. You don't 'cure it' with a belt."

"Please, as far as I can tell, Y/N's grateful for my parenting preferences. Right?" you gulped,

"What's going on here?" Misha's voice rang, your mom groaning,

"You fuckers don't know what manners are, do you?" she asked, turning around to face Misha, "Don't interrupt a lady when she talks," Misha looked at her and Jensen was fast to drop on his knees and turn you to face him. You heard Misha talk back but all you were focused on was Jensen,

"Kiddo, hey, you're safe," he told you and you nod, "She's not gonna come near you. Did she hit you?" you shook your head, "You sure?" you nod, "Okay, that's good. How did she find you?"

"I-I don't know. I bumped into her when-when I was walking to-to get food," you stammered,

"Okay, we'll take care of it. Do you trust me?" you nod, "Good. Now, I'm here, and so is Mish, Jared will stumble up here as well. You're safe. We won't let her get you. Okay?" you nod again and he stood up, both returning to the pose you had before Misha showed up.

You could now tell Misha was in a heated argument with your mother.

"STOP!" Jensen exclaimed, Misha moving to stand right next to you. It seemed like he realized who she was and he took a protective pose in front of you as well.

"You know what, I should have hit you harder," your mother spoke, Misha gulping as he looked down to you for a second before looking back up,

"Yeah, mother of the year right here people!" he shot back,

"She's a sixteen year old child. She's got all the rights to be loved and to want a hug and to feel safe. Every single person, no matter their age, should be granted as much."

"She can't even do the right thing to save her life! That's where your gentle parenting bullshit leads. Now, I'm sure she's pretty useless here. Might as well hand it back to me."

"She's not an it," Jensen growled,

"Yeah!" Jared's voice rang and you turned around just in time for him to voluntarily pick you up and settle you on his hip, "She's our kid! So you might as well drop whatever plans you have with her because you'll have to walk over our dead bodies to get her."

"Wow," your mother huffed, "So despearate in need of a dad, you found three! But you never once cared about me, did you? I had to be alone for my entire life because of you! You drove your father away and I never got to be loved!"

"I was never responsible for anything that happened between you two," you yelled out, "Why didn't you abort me if he already didn't want me and you knew he was going to kick you out?"

"Well, I figured to make up for it by making you into a successful scientist and then we can go to him and-"

"So that is your brilliant plan? Rub it in? Do you understand that he has a wife and a daughter he loves. He doesn't care about you or me. And I'm sorry you went through that, but you had options and you chose to give birth to me. I had nothing to do with you and him. I was born and instead of being loved, I was all these years used as a puppet in your master plan of rubbing it in to him."

"What is it that you want?" Misha asked, obviously missing some context,

"Well, that idiot there is coming with me or she's going to suffer."

"I ain't letting her go," Jared spoke up, "So you might as well cross that off your to-do list and reschedule it for never."

"You've got a chance to fix all this," your mother warned you, "I won't beat you hard too."

"No," you spoke, "I'm happy where I'm standing right now and I'm not coming with you."

"Well, you had your choice. I can't wait to see you suffer," she responded, "The exact same way you made me suffer."

"She made you suffer? Because she wants to live her own life, make her own decisions? Or is it because she wants to be loved and cared for?"

"Don't you want what's best for your child?" she countered,

"We all do," Jared said, "But your definition of best seems to drift off from ours."

"We want our children to have a good life. But we don't dictate them," Jensen began, "We don't plan it all out for them. We let them be kids, let them play, learn, enjoy life, fuck up and slam against the wall and help them get back up. They are never going to have a plan they so blindly have to follow. What you wanted to do to Y/N, it's not fair. It's inhumane."

"Why won't you shut that ugly mouth of yours or I make you," she threatened, huffing, "No wonder you fit so well. Shit goes with more shit."

"You keep them out of your dirty mouth," you growled, "You wanna trash talk about me? Do it. Make the whole universe hear how bad of a daughter I am. But you don't dare talk about them like that. You don't know them."

"Oh, and you do? They'll just use you to get popular and then throw you out. That's when it'll hit you and you'll beg to come back," her mother began, "But I won't take you in then. You have one chance, and it's now."

"No."

Your mother gasped, fully not expecting the answer even though she's been given the same answer multiple times,

"W-What?"

"I said no," you repeated, "I told you I'm done. I'm not coming with you. This is where I stand, and I like it here. I'm done with you and your plans for me, for revenge on my father. It's over," you said, "We were getting lunch, guys," you spoke, the three nodding and walking away, brushing past your mother, but not without resistance. She jumped at you, presumably, but Jensen was in the way and had no problem grabbing her and pulling her away while Jared moved quickly, still holding you in his arms and Misha bolted, probably for security.

"You are not," he began, locking arms around her, her long nails scratching his skin, "Going to," he picked her up, "Come near my kid," he took a step back, "Ever again." he growled in her ear, dragging the two of them away, "You wanna make her suffer?" Jensen asked, letting her mother go and she immediately maintained a safe distance from him, "Huh? You wanna make a little kid suffer?" he repeated, your mother bolting to attack him again, long nails managing to get to his face before he grabbed her wrists, "Bad idea. Cause if you touch her, you have a lot of people breathing on your neck. And I am the first one," he said, going into her face. Only thing your mother could do is hysterically scream into Jensen's face until the security showed up and they dragged her away.

As soon as she's being dragged away, Jensen is running to you and Jared and you caught Misha with the corner of your eye. You couldn't be fooled, as all three had terrified expressions on their face,

"She's okay," Jared spoke up as soon as Jensen was within arms length. He took you from Jared's arms and hugged you tightly. You couldn't do much but return the hug and let both of you calm down from your high.

"How did she get through the security?" Misha spoke up,

"She-She probably paid her way in," you responded, going to hug Misha and then Jared, "I'm sorry for causing a scene."

"There's nothing to apologize for, munckhin," Jared shook his head as he squeezed you tightly, giving you one of his famous moose hugs,

"I scared you. All three of you," you responded, looking back at Jensen, "And she hurt you too."

"What's important is that she didn't hurt you," Jensen responded, smiling weakly for you, "Don't apologize. You didn't pick your mother."

"But still-"

"Don't," Misha shook his head, "We're all okay. And Jensen's right. What matters is that you're not hurt."

"What in the ever-loving fuck happened?!" Richard exclaimed as he walked up to you,

"My mother somehow managed to break through the security."

"She's fucking mental!" he exclaimed, "Are you guys okay?"

"More or less," Jensen responded,

"Oh man, get someone to clean that up," Rich frowned, "Listen, if she broke through the security that means we have a rat somewhere around."

"I'll fire the current security and ask Cliff to make me a list of most trusted ones," Jensen said, "I'll set it all up."

"But until that's set up, we're taking a break," Richard said, "I gotta look around people here too. I don't know who she might be working with. I'll need time."

"Guys, really, you don't have to-"

"All of our safety is compromised with that mental bitch loose. Yes, she'll be held for 72 hours or something, and yes we'll press charges, but whatever is the outcome, I have to go through all these people. I have to work with people I know are safe. I don't want insane parents breaking into the set and murders happening, and neither do Jensen and Danneel."

"But we'll fall back with filming," you pointed out,

"We'll be fine. Filming is postponed until February 1st. We have a few episode waiting for production. I order y'all to go home and take a break. You heard me kiddie?" you nod, looking down, not expecting Richard to come up and hug you, "Hey, I'm not mad at you. I can't be mad at you. She's the mental idiot, not you. I'm just glad you're safe."

"Thanks," you whispered, returning the hug,

"Don't thank me. Now go home, all of you."

The first thing Jensen did as he opened the door to his trailer was lead you to the couch and grab a bottle of water sitting on the counter, handing it to you. You took it quietly, your head bowing down.

"Kiddo," he whispered, crouching in front of you, "Kiddo, look at me," he tried but you shook your head.

How can I look at you? I put you in danger. I shouldn't be here.

"Kiddo, this isn't on you."

You gulped.

Of course he knew what's going on in your head. Of course he knew you'd be blaming yourself. And you still couldn't wrap your head around the fact that nobody is blaming you.

But then, they might be as well lying to you.

"We're going back to Austin," he stated and you shook your head,

"I'm not going."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not," you began, finally looking up, "She's going to be out in 72 hours. She's coming after me. Save yourself and go. I'll find a place here and keep quiet until we return to film."

"No," Jensen shook his head, "You're coming with me. You're way safer in Austin than here. Either we both go or we both stay."

"Jensen-"

"No," he said sternly, "I'm not leaving you here."

"Jensen, you heard her. Are you seriously willing to sacrifice the safety of your family just for one person?"

"Yes," he responded, taking you back with it, "Cliff is in Austin. I'll ask him to watch over our place."

"Jensen you don't know her and the lengths she's ready to go. Just let her have her way with me and she'll be gone when she's done."

"Not knowing how far she can go is the exact thing I'm scared of," he pointed out, "You're coming. We're gonna keep you safe, and we'll have fun and think of how to get rid of her, besides suing her."

"I don't want to sue her," you spoke up, Jensen now confused, "I just want her to go back to Y/H/C as soon as possible. Besides, she's most likely not going to show up at the court anyways."

"Okay, but Chaos Machine is suing her, so she'll have some problems up her ass," Jensen said, "Now, we'll go home and pack. We need time to figure things out and if nothing, I'll feel better if all my kids are within arms reach."

"And that's exactly what I meant when I said I don't want to come. I want you to be safe. I want them to be safe. Jensen, I can't afford to be close to you now."

"She can be the queen of England and I still wouldn't give a flying fuck. She's not going to hurt me, nor you nor anyone."

"Y-You can't promise me that, Jense."

"You're scared of her," Jensen sighed, "Which is completely okay. But you're forgetting something. That is, you have me. You have Jared, Misha, you have Dee and little ones back in Austin. We're not going to let her win, kiddo."

"She will win. I know she will. Jense, she has ways and mind twisted like no one else. How far she's ready to go to make someone suffer..."

"Well she isn't counting on you having us and she sure as hell doesn't know I'd go even further to protect you, so she can stick it up where the Sun shines," Jensen said, kissing your temple, "Let's just pack up and go home."

12 hours later

When you step out of the car you are greeted by Danneel's arms wrapping around you to give you a hug. Your brain is such a wreck that you don't even flinch. You just return the hug numbly, everything in your head just too much to handle. Jensen gets a hug as well and you follow the two to the living room where they sit you down.

"Honey, you're safe here. She's not going to come near you again," Danneel tried to assure you,

"I shouldn't be here," you whispered, "I should go to a motel or something. I'm putting you in danger. How can you not see?" you asked, looking up with tears in your eyes, "I don't want to put you in danger. I don't want to put the kids in danger. Why aren't you getting rid of me?"

"Because you're family," Danneel responded, "No matter what she does, we'll go through it together."

"I shouldn't have left you alone," Jensen murmured, totally out of the current conversation,

"No," you spoke up, standing up to go after him after he began walking up and down the room, grabbing his hand and stopping him to look at you, "You don't do that. You don't blame yourself. It's not your fault she's insane."

"It's neither of yours fault," Danneel corrected you as she approached you, "So stop blaming yourselves. She's her own person, she has her own brain with questionable thoughts in it and you cannot in any way make her do anything because she's calling the shots. Now you," she turned to Jensen, grabbing his other hand, "I know you'd probably wipe Y/N from her mother's memories if you'd had the chance to, but you can't. So don't blame yourself for something that you didn't see coming. You can't see into the future. And you," she turned to you, "You're just a child and you're not at fault for having a crazy mother. So don't eat yourself over what happened and don't think about what's to come either. Whatever happens has its own reasons why and we'll go through it together, like a family. Now, I think a nice, warm bath will help you relax. What do you think?" you nod,

"Thanks," you whispered, looking at Jensen who wore the famous 'Dean feels guilty for something he had no control over' face. You shook his hand and he looked down at you, "It's okay."

When you're done with your bath, Danneel was waiting for you with a cup of hot cocoa,

"Here's something to warm up a little before going to sleep."

"I can't sleep."

"I know. I think Jensen's right there with you," she responded, opening the door to their bedroom where Jensen was seated against the headboard, playing with the blanket over him, "How about you two have some alone time and in the morning you'll fill me up?" she said and Jensen nod, taking your hand in his and sitting you down next to him,

"Thanks honey," he whispered, Danneel smiling as she leaned down to kiss his lips,

"Don't thank me," she smiled, planting a kiss to your temple as well before walking away and closing the door behind her.

The two of you sat in pure silence. You didn't know what to say, what could you possibly say to make this whole situation better. You knew Jensen wasn't going to get rid of you, and as much as you appreciated it, part of you really wanted to go and keep him and his family safe.

And Jensen obviously had problems forming sentences since all he did was hug you tightly. And you'd lie if you said you didn't need it. Everything he did the past 24 hours, he and Jared and Misha. You didn't think a loving touch could make all the worst things hurt a little less.

You didn't even realize you were crying until Jensen shushed you gently, assuring you that it's okay to cry. You were so unaware of your own body, surroundings, everything. This all put you back to square one, at the bottom of the hill again. You didn't know how were you going to climb up to the top this time. You didn't think you had energy in you.

"That's what that feeling was," he murmured, "Like you felt her coming, but you didn't know it was her."

"I wish I knew," you responded, sniffling, "I-I wish I knew so I could have avoided her. I'm scared."

"I know, and that's completely okay. We'll keep you safe. She won't get you."

The very next thing you know is you're jumping awake from a nightmare, panting and sweating.

"Kiddo, you're safe," Jensen spoke up, making you whip your head around and gasp at the scars on his face, "You're safe."

"She-she hurt you," you breathed, "No."

"Kiddo, you gotta breathe," Jensen tried, getting ahold of your shoulders, "Look me in the eye and follow my breathing. In. Out."

After a few minutes you came down from your high, still staring at Jensen,

"What was it about?"

"She... She hurt you," you breathed, tears welling up in your eyes, "She-she hit you. Same way she hit me. And-and I was there but I-I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything."

"Shit kiddo," Jensen breathed, "I'm safe. I'm okay. She didn't hurt me. It was just a bad dream. I promise I'm fine. Okay?" you nod, looking down, "Here, drink some water," he handed you the bottle and you gladly took it, downing the content in record time, "You need to take it easy these next few days, okay? No school or anything. You have to put yourself first."

"How do I do that?" you breathed,

"We'll do it together. We still have a few days before the twins birthday. We'll help Dee set it all up and we'll do a lot of movie nights and play and talk. Okay?" you nod, "I think the kids are up. Wanna go say hi to your favorite Ackles?" you smiled,

"Sure."

#jensen ackles fanfiction #jackles #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles #jensen ackles series #jensen ackles x y/n

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pickledpascal · 11 months

Text

New Perspective

Chapter Ten: The Calm Before the Storm

Warnings: a bit of family angst and fears of transphobia

Word Count: 3.3k

New Perspective Masterlist

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Avery sat cross-legged in the middle of Jensen's bed, a notebook in her lap and her laptop in front of her. It became a habit after a little while of Jensen living close by. She scribbled something down as she glanced up at her computer screen.

"What class is that for anyway?" Jensen asked as he sat next to Avery. He took in her laptop and her notes but still didn't understand what it was for.

Avery chuckled at Jensen. "I'm doing notes for what my professor wants for my last project. He finally posted what he wanted us to do." She explained as she jotted down some more notes.”

"What does he want you to do?" As much as Jensen was far removed from college since he hadn't been in college for over twenty years, he still liked to hear what Avery was doing. How she liked her classes, what was her favorite professor, what kind of projects she had to do, and if she liked them. It was nice to hear her rant about whatever.

Avery glanced down at her notes and shrugged. "He wants us to write a two hundred to three-hundred-page story. Doesn't matter what it's about, just nothing non-fiction." Jensen's eyes widened. That sounded horrifying. More horrifying than half the shit he had to face on a certain TV show. "I'll probably do two hundred because he wants us to change the format to A5 anyway." Avery didn't seem too upset. She'd written two hundred pages in the span of a week once. And that wasn't even for school.

Jensen was surprised. He knew Avery wanted to be an author but her teacher was basically asking her to write a book as an assignment. "What is it gonna be about?" He asked.

"I got a few ideas. Both pretty gay." Avery winked. "One's basically like Romeo and Juliet but they're lesbians and set on another planet where one of them is royalty.

Jensen commented, "Love a good sci-fi lesbian story."

"The other is about a trans woman navigating her life. May or may not be based on my own experiences but I'll be taking a few creative liberties." Avery hummed, making a quick note.

Jensen thought about which one he'd want to read. He liked both ideas but the latter seemed more personal. He knew bits and pieces of Avery's life before college but never the full puzzle. It was hard to talk about, Jensen knew that. But he wanted to know every part of Avery's life. She'd tell him on her own time. And he knew that too.

"Do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?" He asked softly and they hadn't really talked about it since he moved. Her break for the holiday started in a few days.

Avery was absentmindedly writing a few things she wanted to add to her final paper. "Nah. Roomies will be gone, my friends will be too, and my brother's gonna spend the day with my parents."

Yet another small detail. Jensen's eyebrows furrowed. Her brother was still in contact with their parents? Even after they seemingly disowned Avery. He wondered if Avery felt betrayed. Apparently not.

"Do you want to come to Texas with me? I usually do Thanksgiving but…" Danneel planned it. "So my parents are taking over again." Jensen didn't want to force Avery to come, he knew she'd be fine on her own but his parents specifically extended the offer to her. He was weary of them. They knew she was his girlfriend but what else did they know about her? What else had they found out?

The faint noise of pencil scribbling on paper stopped. Avery looked up at Jensen and studied his face for a moment. She was hesitant. Texas was fun when she didn't know anyone and went to tourist locations. She had no desire to have a conversation with someone who wouldn't like her if they found out she was transgender.

But Jensen's family was important to him. Avery heard the slow, easy Texas accent come out every time his mom called and saw the faint smile. She wondered if his mom knew about her. If she would consider Avery "unnatural." Even worse, she wondered what his father would think. She didn't want to deal with another father figure who thought she was somehow mentally ill for knowing she was a woman trapped in the wrong body. Would Jensen defend her as he said he would? Doubts plagued her mind.

Why the hell not? There wasn't any reason not to find out. At least, then, she'd know for sure. "I'll go." Avery said after a while.

Jensen's eyes lit up with surprise. "Really?"

"Yes, really. Now go away! I'm trying to focus." Avery pushed Jensen away. She unintentionally pushed him right off the bed so he fell with a thump. Her hand flew to her mouth. "Sorry!"

Jensen laughed. The wind was thrown out of him but he couldn't find it in himself to care. Avery was adorable when she thought she might have hurt Jensen. "You ever think my neighbors below us wonder what the hell we're doing?" He asked as he sat up with the help of his elbows.

"Fucking." Was Avery's immediate answer. She lived in a first-floor apartment for a year and, half the time, that was what the people above her were doing.

Jensen picked himself off the floor and stood to ruffle Avery's hair. "I was gonna say rearranging furniture but that works too."

"Rearranging furniture is code for fucking." Avery pointed out.

Jensen shrugged with a small laugh.

—---

Being in Texas again was weird as hell. Avery didn't have her friends with her. No one to rant to about how nervous she felt. Jensen was there. But she didn't want to bother him. He likely had other things on his mind. Avery was glad Jensen opted to just stay at his house instead of his parents. At least that would be familiar.

As they settled into his room, Avery stretched onto the large bed in the middle. "No wonder you didn't want to sell this house." She hummed. To an outsider, she might have looked calm.

Not to Jensen.

He sat next to Avery and brushed a few hairs away from her face. It was an excuse just to touch her. "We could always cancel tonight." Jensen whispered.

His parents wanted to meet Avery before Thanksgiving and before the rest of his extended family. His brother and sister would be there too. Thanksgiving was tomorrow. Jensen was dreading it as well. But not for the same reasons. He didn't want anyone to make Avery uncomfortable. And he wasn't sure if he would be able to stop that feeling. She deserved to be loved by everyone. Not just him.

"No." Avery sighed. As much as the idea was appealing, she wanted to be prepared for tomorrow. She thought of this dinner as her putting her toes in the water, feeling for the temperature to make sure she could jump in. "I'll go. I just need to shower." She sat up. That always cleared her head. Unless it was one of those times she just felt numb and tired.

Jensen smiled softly. "I could join you." He suggested. He didn't have any ulterior motives. Maybe he would have come up with some if she said yes.

"I'm good." Avery laughed half-heartedly as she grabbed some clothes from her suitcase. She decided on a button-up sweater combo with jeans. Nothing too fancy but respectable.

She wanted Jensen's parents to like her so badly. She didn't know why. Perhaps it was because she was missing what a lot of other people had. A real family. Avery had carved her own little family but it wasn't the same. She didn't have people to go back to when Winter Break came along. She would just text her friends, see what they were doing, and plan a small Christmas party after the break was over. Hell, even Jay had a family to go to down in Georgia.

Occasionally, Avery would get a Christmas card from her brother and a small gift but it wasn't anything meaningful. However, she did save every card he sent. Perhaps they were meaningful but not enough. Not what she wanted.

Sometimes Avery wondered what life would have been like if she never came out. Her parents would still love her. Their perfect, third boy. But she'd immediately shut those thoughts down. She would've never found the friends she had. She never would've met Jensen.

Avery caught a glimpse of Jensen as she closed the door to the bathroom. Maybe they would have met but it never would have been like this. She never would have stood in the middle of his king bathroom getting undressed and ready to take a shower.

elena: if avery rants to me about your family, just know i know where you live

Jensen: Love you too elena

Jensen let out a breath. Elena may have acted like the child of the group but she was very protective as well. If Avery was hurt, best believe Elena would want to have a "word" with whoever did it. Jensen wasn't scared of that. Well, maybe a little bit. He wouldn't want to hurt Avery if he could help it. He just hoped his family would understand he was happy and leave it there.

When Avery came out of the bathroom, her hair was still damp but she was dressed and had her makeup done—just some winged eyeliner and blush. She tousled her hair to dry it best she could. She preferred air-drying her hair instead of using a hair dryer.

"You don't need to try so hard." Jensen chuckled softly. He had a feeling Avery intentionally grabbed some of the more modest clothes in her closet.

Avery crossed her arms and pouted. "Would you rather I went to your parent’s house in a short skirt and bralette?"

"You got me there." Jensen held his hands up in a surrendering gesture. "But I wouldn't mind seeing that."

Avery shook her head, a smile unintentionally making its way to her lips. "Of course you wouldn't."

Jensen smiled as he stood and pressed a kiss to Avery's temple. "That's my girl." He tilted her chin so she faced him. "I haven't seen you smile in a hot minute." She was nervous and Jensen knew why but he wanted to be her shoulder to cry on. And vice versa.

"If something happens…" Avery swallowed thickly, face serious. "We can leave?"

Jensen's eyes saddened as he pulled Avery into his arms. "Of course, sweetheart." The words came out on instinct. Avery was his whole world. The metaphorical light at the end of his dark tunnel. He held her close, clutching onto her as if she would slip from his arms.

Avery set her chin on his shoulder and sighed, eyes tired. "You give good hugs." She mumbled softly. She simultaneously wanted to fall asleep in Jensen's arms and felt energized. Like she could run a marathon.

They stood there for a few moments, Jensen rubbing at her back before they pulled away. Avery took a deep breath and held it in for a few seconds before she let it go as Jensen put his jacket on. Her heart calmed. But her brain did not.

The drive to the Ackles' house was surreal. Every single home in their subdivision had the American and Texas flags flying in the front. Avery's stomach churned with each one. She leaned her head against the window to feel the coolness of it and she might have wanted to get a small concussion with each bump and pothole in the road as her head thumped against it.

As Jensen parked in the driveway, Avery pursed her lips. The house itself was very normal. Two stories with a double car garage and a sidewalk off to the side that led to the door. Like the others. She wasn't sure if she should feel safe or uneasy. Her brain went with uneasy.

The pair got out of the car with Jensen setting a hand on the small of her back as they walked to the front door. Avery wondered what she should say. Hey, I've had a crush on your son since I was fifteen. Isn't that crazy? The thought almost made her laugh.

Jensen pressed on the doorbell to be immediately greeted by his mother right after. "Jensen!" She smiled with delight and gave him a tight hug.

"Hi, momma." Jensen's Texan accent slipped out as soon as he opened his mouth. Avery simply enjoyed watching the interaction.

Her eyes shifted to Avery, less warm but still happy. "You must be Avery."

"It's nice to meet you, Ms. Ackles." Avery offered a hand only to be pulled into a hug as well.

Jensen's mom squeezed her tightly. No wonder Jensen's hugs were so soothing. He got it from his mom. "No need to call me that. Call me Donna." She said after she let Avery go. The hug left her winded. "Your dad, Josh, and Mackenzie are waiting for you." Donna waved the couple inside.

As Donna turned inside, Avery glanced at Jensen who just smiled at her. Avery expected coldness. Not this. It was jarring. She stepped inside the house and was hit with Thanksgiving smells. Pumpkin pie, ham, and sweet potato were what Avery could discern. It had been so long since she had a proper family gathering that she forgot what it felt like… besides all the politics talk and picking apart the meal when the host was gone.

"Jensen's here! Finally. I got here hours ago and momma didn't let me have even one bite." A woman Avery recognized as Jensen's sister, Mackenzie, complained. But it was a fond complaint. She stood from the island in the kitchen and gave Jensen a hug.

He chuckled softly. "Always nice to see you again."

Mackenzie glanced from Jensen to look at Avery and gave her a smile. "You must be the girl my brother can't stop talking about. Nice to finally meet you. I'm Mackenzie."

Avery couldn't form words in her mouth. She hadn't expected Jensen's family to be so… nice. They had to know. Maybe they just didn't care. That would be nice.

"Did you break her on the plane ride here?" Mackenzie joked, nudging Jensen's shoulder.

Jensen had to refrain from making a joke. His family didn't need to know about their sex life. "Nah. She's just nervous." He rubbed Avery's back.

"Sorry. I get anxious when I meet new people." Avery admitted after her brain started to work again.

"No problem, sweetie." Mackenzie smiled in understanding.

Avery glanced at the other two people in the room. Jensen's brother and father. She forgot that not only would she be the most queer person in the room, but that she'd be the youngest. They looked as if they were sizing her up. So this was where she'd feel an immense amount of dread.

Sometimes Avery wondered if she became a woman just because she hated men so much. It wasn't the main reason. But perhaps it was part of it.

Donna started setting ceramic trays on the dining room table. "C'mon. Sit! Let's eat." She encouraged with a wide smile. "Would you like anything to drink?" She asked as Avery and Jensen sat.

"Um, I'd like—"

"You know where it is, Jensen. I was asking Avery." Donna wiped her hands on her apron.

Avery's eyebrows raised. "Oh, uh, do you have any apple cider? If not, water's fine." She felt dumb after asking. Apple cider was a child's drink. Why would an older couple have some? But it was her favorite drink when fall came along.

"Oh, yes! Alan, can you get it? I think it's in the fridge in the garage." Donna set her apron on a hook hanging from a cabinet before she sat down. Alan simply stood and left to procure the cider without a word.

Jensen could sense Avery's surprise and leaned to her ear to whisper, "One of my mom's friends has an orchard so they get cider every year."

"Oh, cool." Avery hummed. Sometimes she was bad at showing her enthusiasm and she forgot that people who didn't know her deeply didn't know that. It was just something that would happen.

As the table started to grab servings of ham and mashed potatoes—the menu for that night since Donna had saved everything else for the next evening—more conversation started.

"So, Avery," Jensen's father started. "What's your plan after college?"

Avery had a feeling he thought she'd leech off of Jensen. She played with her potatoes a bit. They were delicious—nicely seasoned—but she was missing her handy garlic salt. She wanted to taste something familiar. "I want to get my doctorate. At my university, they have this program where I can teach as I get it so I'll probably do that. After that, I wanna write. Be an author."

"For Avery's final project for a class this semester, she's basically gonna write a book." Jensen added. He was proud of Avery and he wanted to show it. He could never have even thought his next partner would be nearly as wonderful as Avery. Her ideas, her weird sayings, how she was still able to love even after all the things she went through.

Josh decided to speak then, interest piqued. "A book? What's it about?"

Avery didn't feel hungry anymore. They hadn't brought up the elephant in the room yet and Josh had done it accidentally. "I have two ideas. Haven't started writing it yet." She tried to deflect.

"Which one are leaning more towards?" Josh pushed. Not hard. It was an innocent question. But it felt suffocating.

Open the can of worms. "Uh, one's a lesbian love story and the other is based on me. As a trans woman." Avery knew she could've lied. Come up with two perfectly "normal" topics on the fly. But she didn't like lying. She wanted to know what Jensen's family was like. No more dancing around.

Josh sat back in his chair, deflated. "Oh." Was his very eloquent answer.

Tension rose from zero to a hundred. The table was silent for a while.

"Does anyone here have a problem with that?" Jensen outright asked, his gaze hardened. He wouldn't take any shit if they did and he'd make their own Thanksgiving dinner at his house if he had to.

Alan knew the look in Jensen's eyes. It was similar to the one he wore when he played Dean and he had to put on a brave face to save someone important to him. "Are you happy?" Was his response.

"You have no idea." Jensen's eyes softened.

"Are you happy?" This time, the question was aimed at Avery.

She was shocked Alan would ask her. She tried not to let it show. "Very."

"Then I don't have a problem with it." Alan said with a knowing smile. Josh and Mackenzie agreed.

Donna chimed in with a soft smile. "Jensen, we don't care who you love as long as they love you too. And, Avery…" She frowned for a moment. "I'm sorry if you felt like you couldn't talk about yourself. I understand we are in Texas and it's not the safest for you here."

"Look, if Jensen's busy tomorrow doing whatever and one of our aunties or something is getting on your case, come to me. I'll fend 'em off for you." Mackenzie said, a fire in her eyes.

Avery almost broke down. Her eyes welled with tears but she was able to keep them down. She was accepted into the family and that felt good.

avery: i think I'll be good tomorrow

elena: why? no transphobia found?

avery: no

avery: well, at least not in his parents or siblings

elena: okay minute slay

elena: however i will drop everything if i sense an OUNCE of transphobia in that house tomorrow

avery: i look forward to it <3

------

taglist: @nancymcl

taglist open here !!!

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incarnateirony · 2 years

Note

Dude every time I stumble on a post from your blog I end up reading through your last 20 posts or so and every time I feel like a fly on the wall watching beings far more complex than I can comprehend play 5d chess and its amazing and I'm so confused but I love it.

I'm playing 5d chess. He's playing tick tac toe and is using literal tic tacks

but yes, honestly there's been a lot of 5D chess done. While 2po screams himself into a pit he'll never be able to recover from, like. I'm not even gonna repeat how this whole spinoff thing even started. THAT was a chess game. Shit, that was a full on war.

And that's not counting Jensen's keen business navigation, or the social arrangements he's formed across major players, or the motions in syndicates and territories Some Little Birdies let him know could take him conveniently close to Danneel's home. And surviving multiple mergers to actually come out on top. And that's nothing to say of gears pulled in random acquisitions this fandom doesn't even fucking compute and imagines out in TV wizard space, or companies that just seem to handle marketed magazines and stuff actually being on board lock step, because even some people there are informed.

Like. Christ. I'll say it. I just left a job at IAC -- health reasons, life changes, basically retiring early. I probably got 11 good years left average anyway so fuck. Why work till literal death. But like. Feel free to google IAC. Feel free to turn that over in your heads a few times, then feel free to crawl in a hole and delete your tumblr.

To ease your (2po's) bad googling skills, one of IAC's acquisitions were the Meredith properties. Gray just bought out Meredith to reclaim Atlanta (Specifically the meredith local group, which wasn't really local at all, a subsidiary of--a subsidiary of--you know how it goes. but just the kind of property they can be convinced to cut by someone that knows how to debate rate of TV decline and best offramps to sell out affiliates). Oopsie I chaosed again. But there's a few others on there you might want to look at. Go on. It'll bite you tho.

youtube

or hey, maybe that's coincidence. Maybe I'm just fucking with your head. I AM at a point where I make posts just to fuck with you because you're so incompetent, 2po, so figure out if this is one of those. Or maybe I'm just being this casual because it's genuinely hilarious how far behind you are because you were busy conning your way into gold panels and chasing old history. You might catch up in like. 10 years. You can do it!!!

No it's also not how I know about the Gray shit, but thanks for playing before you try to twist that as an "inconsistency" because you can't track multiple data points or perceive any kind of influence or knowledge greater than your own, and you only know how limited you personally are. And that's why you're flipping shit now. Just to clear it up the part I worked for was nothing that was bought by Gray. That just goes back to my life history you imagine yourself powerful enough to erase for your fantasies.

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jawritter · 2 years

Text

Storm

Chapter 16

Summary: Raised in a cult, married at a young age, and divorced after catching your husband cheating on you with your neighbor, you decide to leave behind everything you know after you lose everything you love, and start over again. Who knew one little stop at a gas station would change everything?

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Chapter Warnings: Legal, Court room stuff, language probably, angst. Danneel's not a very nice person in this chapter, but remember, it's just fiction y'all.

Word Count: 2450

A/N: This fic is completely unbeta’d. It was at one time posted on Wattpad. In fact, it’s the first fic I’ve ever written. Which is why I wanted to correct and revisit it now that I’ve got more experience under my belt, and I’ve grown as a writer. Please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! Hope you all enjoy this one!

My Masterlist My Patreon Series Masterlist

Jensen’s POV:

From somewhere deep, deep in his sleep fogged state, Jensen thought he heard his phone ringing, but the only thing that made sense was the warm feel of Y/N’s body wrapped tightly around his, and it seemed to be keeping him in a sleep induced stupor. Still, the relentless ringing wouldn’t stop, so he finally forced his eyes to open only a crack and slapped blindly at the night stand where the ringing was coming from until he found the offending noise and pressed the green flashing phone on his screen almost blindly.

“Hello,” his thick, sleep rough voice graveled through the phone. He’d already made up his mind that if it was a call about his ‘expired extended warranty,’ he was going to throw the phone across the room.

“Mr. Ackles? I’m sorry to bother you this early, but we have an open slot for your hearing this morning in about an hour. We need to do it while Danneel is still in Canada. They just told me about it, or I would have told you last night. Can you be here?”

Jensen had never gone from half asleep so fast, to awake in his life. It was almost staggering as his adrenaline surged and his eyes shot open. They wanted to have a hearing. Danneel was here, in Canada. They had told him that it could take weeks, but they were calling now?

“Yeah,” Jensen answered, his voice a lot clearer than it had been a moment ago. “I’m about fifteen minutes from there, I’m getting dressed now,” he said, carefully sliding Y/N off of his shoulder and tucking the covers in around her as she barely even stirred, thankfully she was still deep asleep.

“Why did the hearing come so soon?” Jensen asked, quickly grabbing a suite from the closet and balancing himself on his good foot as he tried to dress himself as quickly as possible. It would have been comical probably to anyone watching him. Almost cartoons like in his early morning, post coffee, clumsy movements.

“Danneel called the DA’s office last night to rush the meeting. She said she had plans on moving to New Orleans soon with someone she’d met and didn’t want a court date hanging in the balance.”

Jensen froze mid way of buttoning up his dress shirt on this new information. So much for saying she was still in love with him, the lying bitch. Not that it mattered anyway. He loved Y/N, there was no other. If she wanted to move on that was her business, but the constant manipulation to get her way needed to stop. It wasn't healthy.

“Fine,” Jensen breathed as he hopped into the kitchen and grabbed his crutch he’d left next to the small dining table. “I’m about five minutes before walking out of the door,” he said, grabbing a piece of paper and scribbling a note for Y/N.

He hoped she’d understand. God he hoped she’d understand. He just didn’t want to see Danneel attack her to her face, it was better that he do this alone. Plus, he wasn’t sure that the court wanted her there at all. This was something he just had to do alone.

He put in for an Uber driver as he shut and locked his door on his phone, and made his way towards the elevators to the lobby, where by the time he’d got there, there was a black SUV waiting for him.

He hadn’t felt the nerves until he’d sat down in the backseat. That’s when they all seemed to come crashing down on him at once. God he wished now he would have just woken you up, but after what that note said, he wasn’t thrilled with the idea of Danneel trying to use you against him, or pit the pair against the other, like he was certain she’d do.

He knew it seemed mean, but everything he did was to protect Y/N, that’s all he wanted, to protect her, and to have his kids come home...and hopefully one day hers too.

“All rise,” the Bailiff's voice sounded over the scrapping of chairs and chatter that echoed the room.

Once everyone was on their feet and standing at attention, he continued, “The honorable Judge Samuel Daniel’s.”

Everyone’s eyes followed the older man in black robes as he walked out from behind the door and to his seat, carrying with him a black folder that he was sure was full of evidence that could either help them, or do nothing at all. Literally, the fate of him seeing his children was hinged on that man. It made him slightly sick to think about.

Jensen’s eyes drifted across the room, where he found Danneel sitting, eyes dead ahead of her and an unreadable expression on her face.

Jensen hadn’t wanted it to come to this, he really hadn’t, this wasn’t his wish, and he assumed deep down that it wasn’t hers either. No one, not in the right mind, would want to do this. He tried to work it out with her, he really did. Alas, she was stubborn to a fault, and just had to have the last say, had to have things her way. Now this is what a marriage that was supposed to be forever comes to, a courtroom, and twelve. of your peers looking at you judgingly as someone you don’t even know divides your lives as if they were never nothing at all. He was determined to never let it come to this between himself and Y/N, no matter what.

“Today’s hearing is Ms. Harris, verses Mr. Ackles, for the ruling of custody and visitation of their three children, Justice, Arrow, and Zeppelin Ackles,” the bailiff continued, and every time he said their names Jensen jerked slightly. He hadn’t seen them in so long that it was cruel at this point. “You may all be seated.”

As soon as the sound of scraping had subsided as people took their seats, the judge cleared his throat and started to rifle through the paperwork in front of him. God Jensen just wished he’d get this over with, the constant waiting was going to drive him bat shit crazy before this hearing was over.

“Ms. Harris,” he states finally in a loud, clear voice, making both Jensen and Danneel jump slightly in their seats. “It appears you have written a harassment letter in the regards of Mr. Ackles’ personal life. Is that what I’m looking at here?”

“I never intended for it to be a harassment letter, Your Honor, I was simply trying to let Jensen know he wasn’t going to hide anything from me like he loves to do,” she stated coldly, not looking at Jensen at all as she spoke, as if he wasn’t even there.

Jensen’s blood boiled under his skin. He’d never hidden anything from anyone. If anyone has hidden anything it was her! Still, Jensen kept his mouth shut, knowing better than to open his mouth while he wasn’t being addressed.

“Well, Ms. Harris, the decision to put something like this in writing is not a good idea in any case. It’s a threat, and also an invasion of his privacy. If he wants to move on with his life after the divorce that’s his own business, and he has to answer to no one for it. Then, when you take into account you were still hacking into and watching the security footage at his home without his knowledge? That’s stalking Ms. Harris, on top of harassment.”

“I realize that now, sir. I wasn’t thinking clearly. When I saw the footage of them I was upset and acted on impulse. I won't -”

“You wouldn’t have seen anything had you been minding your own business and stalking the security cameras at his home,” the judge interrupted. “We also have footage of you hitting Mr. Ackles in Austin, at his residence. The video was taken without your knowledge, so we can’t use it specifically against you.”

Danneel took a visible sigh or relief, but too soon unfortunately, because the judge wasn’t done yet.

“But, you did hit him with the knowledge that security cameras did reside in the home, and that footage we can use against you.”

Danneel turned white as a sheet, and if the floor could have opened up, she probably would have done a swan dive in.

“Your Honor I -”

“No point in digging your whole deeper Ms. Harris, there was audio attached to the video on the security cameras.”

The judge then turned to Jensen with a hard stare.

“Mr. Ackles, you are suing for visitation rights of your three children, as well as a restraining order against Ms. Harris, for the same reason that was stated in this courtroom a moment ago, is that correct?”

“Yes sir, alone with the countless phone calls and voicemails, all of which I have turned into my lawyer, how informed me that they would give those to you as well,” Jensen stated, keeping his eyes on the judge, even if his heart was pounding and his hands were sweating.

“I have that here,” the Judge confirmed, adjusting his glasses and looking over the phone records in front of him that were in his folder.

“You do have a history of violence I see, apparently the night Ms. Harris left your house before the divorce, and you caught her cheating, you became violent enough for the cops to be involved.”

“Yes sir, I’m not proud of it, but I’m not denying it either. I lost my temper, and I’m sorry about the way I acted. It was not right, but I can’t take it back, and I haven’t raised and hand or my voice to her since, where as she’s attacked me physically, stalked my home, harassed my girlfriend through my voicemail, even though I didn’t let her listen to it, and multiple threats towards myself and my girlfriend.”

The Judge folded his hands as Jensen spoke, eyes locked on Danneel, who was now staring at the floor in front of her.

“I hear you also paid them already in the divorce settlement for ‘pain and anguish,’ of you losing your temper,” he said, and Jensen swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“Yes, Your Honor I have.”

For a long moment no one spoke, the judge just stared at her as if he could see right through her.

“Ms. Harris, you have made this hard on yourself. You have literally shot yourself in the foot here.”

Jensen didn’t realize he was crying until a tear fell from his face and onto his hand, that was folded in front of him, which was quickly whipped away.

“Mr. Ackles, look at me,” the Judge said, gaining his attention. Jensen could have sworn he saw pity there, but he was too afraid to say for sure.

“I can’t award you full custody because of your living situation and your acting schedule that keeps you moving around the country. It's unstable, but as soon as you get back to the states, if I were you, I’d try again, and I’m sure you will get it. You are awarded twice monthly visitations with the children, as well as every other holiday until then.”

“Ms. Harris, you on the other hand, you will be required to do 187 hours of community service once back in Austin, and you're lucky that’s all you're getting. I will also be awarding a three year restraining order to Mr. Ackles, and you will be required to complete an anger management course in the states once you return.”

If Jensen would have been standing his legs would have fallen out from under him at that moment, but thankfully he was seating, and it was more than he would have ever asked for, more than he would have even let himself hope for.

The rest of the proceedings went by in a blur to him, and he really didn’t fully break away from his fog until they were dismissed and everyone around him was standing.

Jensen was crowded by people shaking hands with him, and his lawyer was telling him that he’d fax the necessary paperwork for him. Then he turned, and there she was, Danneel.

“You may have won this round Jensen, but the first mess up and I’m taking you back to court,” she said through her teeth, anger seething off of her in waves.

Before Jensen could respond, what he heard almost sent him to his knees.

“Daddy!!”

“JJ?” Jensen said, spinning quickly to try and find her through the throng of people before feeling her make contact with his uninjured leg. Throwing his crutch to the ground, Jensen dropped down on his good knee and wrapped his arms around the little girl, pulling her into him as tight as he could. God he had dreamed of this. He’d missed this so much. Now she was here, and she was real.

“I missed you Daddy,” she said, talking into his shoulder.

“I missed you too, baby girl,” he said, his voice thick with tears he was trying his damndest not to let fall. “But you’re about to come and spend Christmas with me! Won't that be fun?”

“That’s enough, it’s time to go,” Danneel interrupted, putting a hard hand on her daughter's shoulder and pulling her away from Jensen. “By law I don’t have to let you see them until the holidays or your visitation day.”

There was so much Jensen wanted to tell her, but there were too many witnesses, so he just held his tongue.

“Bye Daddy!” JJ yelled as she waved at him through the crowd Danneel was now leading her to, making their way towards the exit.

“Bye baby! Daddy loves you!!!”

Jensen watched until he couldn’t see her anymore, before grabbing his crutch from the ground where he’d tossed it, and standing on shaking legs. He kept his head down, knowing people were looking at him, and knowing he was a mess, but thanking God that no phones were allowed in the courtroom, the last thing he needed was for this to end up on TMZ or some shit.

“Your Uber is here, Jensen,” his lawyer commented, and Jensen nodded as he made his way quickly as he could towards the door. He needed to see her, he needed to see Y/N. She always had a way of making him feel better, and even though he won just now, it didn’t come without some measure of pain, and having JJ jerked away from him again just now only poured salt on an already open wound.

Forever Tags:

@stixnstripesworld

@christycreature

@whiskey-infused-dreams

@supernatural79impala

@deandreamernp

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@b3autyfuldisast3r

@donnaintx

@maliburenee

@the-family-business67

@agirlwithdemonblood

@kazsrm67

Jensen and Dean’s Babes:

@msmarvelouswinchester

@akshi8278

@love-jackles

@irmcpar

@pink-sparkly-witch

@siospins2

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Jensen’s Babes

@smoothdogsgirl

@sexysirius

#storm #jensen ackles series #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x you #jensen x reader #jensen x you #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #real person fiction #rpf #dean winchester #x reader inserts #spn series #jawritter

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castiel-left-his-mark-on-me · 3 years

Note

I can assure you that Jensen's new co-workers don't even know Misha. They don't even know that Jensen has such a friend, and considering the fact that Jensen introduced Jared to them and they knew he was his friend.

Lol. "You can assure" me? Is Jensen's agent / lawyer / mom / dad / hometown psychic lurking anonymously around Tumblr messaging Cockles blogs? I highly doubt it; so, you can't "assure" shit. Please, please, please-- all you anti anons, go look up what a logical fallacy is and and thoroughly educate yourselves, because it really doesn't matter what subject you're speaking on-- you discredit your arguments immediately when you make these baseless and lofty claims. Like, I truly don't care what you think about Cockles, I'm just saying this as a writer myself, and a person who has worked in the field of education for the last fifteen+ years ... you gotta frame your arguments better.

You just do.

Now anyway ... if we ARE focusing on Cockles ... in your ask, you yourself referred to Misha as Jensen's "friend"; so, like for one ... check-mate, and for two ... who cares if other people in Jensen's life don't know that he and Misha are friends? I don't expect my coworkers to know the names of any or all of my friends.

Do your coworkers know the names of all your friends?

Like, that's not a normal thing.

And then finally ... if I were an actor in a show that ran for fifteen years, and my role was directly opposite another actor who was also on a show for fifteen years, and the whole point of our characters was to act as a duo ... then chances are, the people who met me after that would think of me as one half of a pair.

Like, when you think of the Blues Brothers ... you don't just picture one brother.

So, yeah ... his new coworkers would more than likely know of the existence of Jared. And from what I've heard, the "introduction" that you're referring to, occurred during a network function, so it wasn't like Jensen participated in some "Bring Your Bestie to Work Day".

But even if it was like that-- again, who cares?

This whole idea that if Jensen is friends with Jared, then he can't in turn be friends with Misha is so childish. Like, no one argues that Jensen is friends with Rob or Rich or Matt or Ruthie or Briana or Kim and so on and so on. He's a nice, charismatic man-- boy got alotta friends.

So if he is still super close with Jared, that doesn't burn my buns at all. That has no bearing on his relationship with Misha. They can all be friends with one another and it doesn't change a thing in my mind.

The only thing that makes me-- as a Cockles shipper, set Misha apart from the rest is how he and Jensen act around one another. In the JIB panels, in the silly little videos they released, in the gag reel footage, the occasional social media commentary, and then (most notably in my opinion) how they speak of one another when the other isn't around... it's all reminiscent of a "couple". And as someone who has been in a committed relationship for nearly fifteen years, I see a lot of similarities in how I interact with my husband and how Misha and Jensen interact. And since polyamory is a thing, and since Misha is a known practitioner of it, and since Danneel is completely smitten with Misha (as she has stated herself numerous times), I don't think the idea of them all being together is crazy.

Might I be wrong?

Of course.

Does that matter to me?

No, not really.

Do I care if you agree?

Lol, not even slightly.

Do I care that you insist on pushing your opinions on people while poorly framing them as "facts"?

As someone who has graded a lot of high school argumentative essays ... FUCK YES!

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIGURE OUT YOUR THESIS STATEMENT FIRST AND THEN FLUSH IT OUT COMPLETELY WITH YOUR EVIDENCE. AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE ... "PEER REVIEWED EVIDENCE" IN THIS CASE IS NOT A CREDIBLE SOURCE TO CITE SINCE ALL THE "PEERS" ON THIS WEBSITE ARE JUST AS BIG OF CLOWNS AS YOU (and that is a universal "you". You're a clown, I'm a clown ... we just run in different circuses, okay?) THE ONLY "EVIDENCE" THAT WORKS IN THIS CASE ARE CLEAR, UNEDITED VISUAL REFERENCES AND UNCUT STATEMENTS MADE BY THE SUBJECTS IN QUESTION. AND PLEASE, REMEMBER ... ALL PEOPLE ARE COMPLEX ... EVEN ACTORS, AND THEY ARE ALLOWED TO CONTRADICT THEMSELVES. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO LIKE AND BELIEVE IN MORE THAN JUST ONE THING IN ONE WAY, AND UNLESS YOU CAN LITERALLY CRAWL INSIDE THEIR HEADS, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK WILL EVER BE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT TRUE.

So yeah ... thank you for listening; although, you probably didn't listen-- and in a few days you'll be back in my inbox with yet another ask saying something like "Isn't it great that we all know how Jensen has Jared's name tattooed across his asshole?" as if that beautiful man would ever let any of us degenerates close enough to his asshole to check something like that.

Okay ... that's it. I'm done.

Bye bye.

#Cockles #a rant #courtesy of Ary #Jensen Ackles #Misha Collins #Jared Padalecki #The Boys #SPN

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hologramcowboy · 2 years

Note

https://at.tumblr.com/hologramcowboy/httpstwittercomditchlilytigerstatus162733189/wnyptttbl66d

I saw this photographer complaining about your use of the picture, too. Reading the comments was just …

Instead of calling someone a creepy conspiracy theorist because they interpret a photo (and real life comments and actions) differently than themselves, maybe they should try looking at things from another angel. This obsession with seeing Jensen as perfect and constantly having the time of his life is ridiculous and points to a huge bias. I’ll be honest, the particular picture in question, where Jensen looks in pain, could be him "living the music" but to me, he does not look like he’s just grooving. Also, there is video of the concert, so it’s not like people’s opinions are only based on photos.

The last time Jensen performed at a con, he was yelling, not singing, and yet they praise his amazing performance. Jensen has a lovely voice when he isn’t straining it, and is a good performer (usually), but that doesn’t actually mean he is an amazing, Uber talented singer. He was very good as Dean, but to say he never had over the top moments or ones that didn’t quite connect, is just not true. Saying he’s liberal and a huge ally is a huge stretch seeing as he is very closed mouthed on politics in general (I don’t actually blame him there, as if I were famous I’d want to appeal to the widest audience and would stick to discussing my art). Saying he likes Destiel now because he learned the hard way that criticizing the stupid ship gets him outright hate and death threats, is embracing willful ignorance. Jensen and Danneel can only be viewed as couples goals, despite the fact that their body language screens anything but affection. Jared is the bad guy because he cracked the illusion that Jensen is a perfect friend, professional and gentleman, and had a "tantrum" on Twitter because he didn’t let Jebsen off the hook or bail him out, for once, for his shitty actions around the prequel. Jensen supports Ukrainian and really cares about the issue, despite the fact that he starred in a commercial promoting Atomic Heart. Anyway, my point is the man is not perfect, no one is, but as soon as they see any criticism, they call the person delivering it crazy, a hater, or a miserable person who is just projecting.

I love my family, but that doesn’t mean I think it or each family member (myself included) is without flaws.

I started watching Supernatural as a Dean and Jensen fan. I was crazy about Dean until later seasons when he just got angrier and more hypocritical. At first, I admired Ackles for his love for Jared and humility, but his behavior (his inconsistency at cons, and how he talked about Jared lovingly one minute, then criticizing him at JIB or joking at his expense when he’s not there, while calling him brother in the next breath) would not allow me to keep blindly sighing over him. Not to mention, I noticed how his stories were always humble (or not so humble) brags. He isn’t consistent and changes for the crowd he’s in.

I’m sorry, but if you are the one who only sees someone as perfect and can’t acknowledge any flaws to the point that you need to attack anyone who dares mention one, then you are the one without a balanced view. Our observation are subjective, obviously, and you don’t have to agree with how someone elde interprets something, but to instantly write them off as just a hater or lying (unless it’s a provable lie, or delusion with no proof like hellers and cockles shippers) maybe take a look at your own objectivity and need to go to battle for someone you don’t actually know.

It saddens me that Jensen has such judgemental, toxic fans that only care about fetishiz*ing him. Then I remember there are also fans like you, who are able to see him as a real and complex person. Thank you for this beautiful post! 💕💕💕

I think the reason why they immediately resort to bullying and gaslighting is because they know they stand no chance of making eloquent, balanced arguments because they lack objectivity. I mean all they do is project, not only on others but on Jensen especially, he needs to be the fantasy they created and is not allowed to stray from that perfect image. I cannot imagine how painful that must be to him. No human is perfect and we all just want to be loved for who we are, not for some false image others build in their attempt to exploit our beauty, like in his case.

#anti AAs #jensen critical

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trektraveler · 3 years

Text

Nightingale

Chapter One: Watch Your Head

Summary: Jensen Ackles seemed to have it all. A hit television series fifteen years running, a budding music career and a stunning wife. To the casual observer, his life was perfect. But it was a façade. No more real than the supernatural world created on a soundstage.

That day on the lake had started with uncertainty, but when he pulled you from the water everything became clear. The truth was, he'd been the one drowning.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader, Jensen x Reader, Jensen x You

Characters: Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Genevieve Padalecki, Misha Collins, Reader

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Hospitals, Drowning, Fluff, Angst, Smut, unprotected sex

Chapter One: Watch Your Head

Word Count: 3551

Author's Notes: This is a complete work of fiction about a real life person. The circumstances are totally made up and are in no way a commentary on the fantastic Jensen Ackles or his family.

This is also a unique reader insert story as I have given the reader a physical description including hair color, eye color and body type. Hopefully you can still lose yourself in the utter fantasy where Jensen is the hero and you are ripe for rescuing!

Series Masterlist

“I still can’t believe you talked me into a damned sailboat,” Jensen grumbled as he struggled with the rigging. “This thing doesn’t even have a motor.”

“It was the only thing available to rent, next time we’ll make a reservation.” Jared pulled out two bottles of beer from the cooler and handed one over, “The dude at the rental place said this was top of the line.”

“Next time we’ll buy our own jet skis and save ourselves the trouble.”

“Buy them to use for a few months only? After that, who knows when or if we’ll be back up here.”

Jensen looked out over the crystal clear waters of Lake Cultus. He’d forgotten about that or tried to anyway. They were currently filming the last season of Supernatural. His professional home for the past fifteen years was ending. Even though he knew it was the right decision, it still made his heart clench just to think about it. He had loved every minute of the crazy ride that was Dean Winchester, and he was going to miss it terribly.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Sensing his friend’s melancholy, Jared grinned and gestured off starboard, “Besides, jet skis don’t offer the same vantage point.”

Jensen followed Jared’s line of sight to a single person kayak painted neon pink and decorated with marathon stickers. A pretty brunette paddled smoothly, cutting a quick, efficient path across the lake. She wore mirrored aviators and a lime green life vest that looked especially bright against her toned, tanned arms. “Valid point.”

Jensen grinned and saluted the woman as she passed them, earning a wave and beaming smile in return.

“Why don’t you swim on over and say hello?”

“Nah,” Jensen replied, downing the last of the bottle.

“Come on, you’re a free man now. Have a little fun!”

“My divorce just got finalized two months ago, the ink’s barely dry.”

“You’ve had a hell of a year; I mean the way everything went down with Danneel. You didn’t deserve that.”

Jensen shot him a warning look. His broken heart was far from healed and it still caught him off guard. He’d walked in on her with one of his close friends. Well, former friend now. God knows how long it had been going on. It was fresh and hurt like hell. Thank God there were no kids involved. There was a point when he had hoped they could start a family. Now? That was obviously not in the cards. He was only just resigning himself to the fact that he had to start over completely. Not just professionally and not just personally.

Jensen Ackles had to find out who the hell he was without the roles that had provided him with a template for so long. The prospect would probably be exciting at some point but for now? It scared the hell out of him.

“I know, I know. I promised I wouldn’t say her name, I’m sorry,” Jared gave him those puppy dog eyes he was so well known for, “I’m just saying, getting back in the saddle might be just what you need, you know? Get a little confidence back.”

“I don’t want to be in the saddle, man. I want… wanted, a family. Now I don’t know. My marriage is over, Supernatural is over, or almost.”

“Fifteen seasons, that’s hell of a good run for any show.” Jared gently reminded him.

“It’s just, its home. You know? I thought that when it ended, I would go back to Austin and build another kind of home with her. And no, it wasn’t perfect. Hell, half the time it barely passed as mediocre, but I figured if I was there more then we could work all that out together.”

“You deserve better than mediocre, man. You deserve to have someone who wants to be there with you, someone who works as hard as you do, a partner.”

“A partner,” Jensen repeated shaking his head. “I don’t even know what I want half the time, I have no idea where my career is going after this. Bringing that kind of baggage into a relationship, even into a one-night stand… just doesn’t seem right.”

As always, Jared refused to let go of something he felt strongly about. “You deserve to find love, for real. All I’m saying is maybe this divorce is making way for something better.”

They tabled the heavy discussion of marriage and career as they brought the boat in to dock. Finding it easier and more productive to slip into the dynamic of teamwork they had nurtured over the past decade.

Jared struggled to keep a hold of the rope as the wind gusted and caught the main sail. “Heads up!” he called out as he lost his grip and the mast swung out of his reach.

Jensen ducked just in time as the mast swung wildly over his head. “You suck at this!”

You loved the outdoors. Hours spent in the sun either on the water or in the mountains were pretty much your idea of heaven. The fresh air combined with the peace and quiet recharged your soul. Especially when your workaholic tendencies had you feeling low. Your job wasn’t easy, it had hellish hours and a grueling pace, but you helped people. You made a difference, in ways that were quantifiable, every day. But it was lonely. Easy to isolate and you did. Half out of habit, half out of necessity. So much so that even when you found yourself with free time, you still kept your own council. You knew it was safer that way, but it didn’t stop you from wanting something more.

You gently glided your well-loved kayak to the dock and secured it to the tie off point. Hooking the life vest to the seat, you climbed onto the weather-beaten boards and popped your lower back to release the tension. It was just a brief stop to stretch your legs and use the restrooms before heading back to the far side of the lake.

That fancy sailboat you’d seen earlier was bobbing along the other side of the dock and you could hear the two guys yelling back and forth at each other as they tried to maneuver it around. Honestly, it was a bit too big for just the two of them. Especially if they were inexperienced at sailing. You smiled as you thought back to the one who had who had flirted a little out on the open water. They sure were cute though. Cute and definitely trouble.

Still, I should give them a hand before they hurt themselves. You were about to give them a shout when the sail mast barreled towards you.

The sudden yelp followed by a loud splash had both men looking over the side at the boat. When the mast swung back again, they could see the familiar pink kayak floating abandoned by the dock. The life vest was sitting in the empty seat, but its owner was nowhere to be seen.

"What the hell was that?” asked Jared, scanning the dock. “Was that the girl from across the lake?”

It was then that Jensen noticed the ripples and bubbles coming from the water next to the kayak. “Shit!” Whipping off his own life jacket and sunglasses, he dove into the water.

Jared frantically climbed down to stand on the dock and dial 911. It was safer for one of them to stay on land while, the other was in the water. But knowing that didn’t make it easier to wait while his best friend was risking his life.

Jensen surfaced a few seconds later, turning in circles in the water, “Do you see her?”

“No, nothing!”

Jensen took a deep breath and dove again, this time going a bit farther out and down. Lake Cultus was known for its clean, clear water, making it far easier for him to search. Still, every second that ticked by made a positive outcome that much less likely. He was about to surface again and head off in another direction, when he caught a glimpse of your white tank top. Swimming closer, he could see you clearly. Limp body drifting along with the current, slowly sinking. Your dark hair floating around your face like smoke in the water. He wrapped an arm firmly around your waist and kicked you both towards the sunlight streaming above.

After what seemed like an eternity, Jensen surfaced again. This time several feet out from the dock and with the unconscious woman anchored to his side.

Years spent growing up in the Texas heat meant summers spent in the water. Countless hours in lakes, swimming pools and even the ocean made Jensen an exceptionally strong swimmer. Which was a good thing, because at this point, you were basically dead weight.

Jared knelt down and leaned out over the dock, reaching his long arms down to help bring you up out of the water.

“Careful, watch her head” Jensen advised, as he handed you off to Jared.

He quickly swam over to the ladder and climbed up. “We need to call an ambulance,” he panted. God don’t let us be too late. You were so still and pale, and there was a massive bruise already forming on your temple where the mast had made contact.

“I already did,” Jared confirmed. He held his ear close to your mouth and felt for a pulse. “I don’t think she’s breathing.” He quickly repositioned himself and began chest compressions. “Help me out,” he said, nodded to Jensen to take the other position by your head.

Jensen slid his hand under your neck and tilted your chin up so that your airway would be clear. He did his best not to let the fear clawing up his spine distract him from doing what needed to be done.

He forced his mind back to the first aid class Misha had insisted they take when he learned how they spent their free time. If you two idiots insist on risking your lives for fun, at least be responsible about it.

After weeks of hounding, they both relented and became CPR certified. He had to admire Jared’s calm as he performed the compressions, he always was good under pressure. Jensen could lean on that and be stronger for it. In the toughest of times, they could always lean on each other. This time would be no different. When Jared paused, Jensen pinched your nose closed and sealed his mouth over yours, forcing air into your lungs.

Not getting a response, he shook his head and Jared began again. He tried to ignore the sickening sound of your ribs cracking under the pressure of those lifesaving compressions. The water had been cold, even for a summer day and you were as well. Cold and still. It was one thing to play out dramas on TV, it was something else entirely to have it unfold in real life.

“Come on honey, breathe,” Jensen chanted, praying as he continued the cycle. He watched you carefully for any sign of life, his fingers pressed the pulse point in your throat. Dark, water-spiked lashes lay motionless against colorless cheeks. Gently parted lips tinged blue. “Please…”

He pressed his lips over yours again and suddenly your entire frame jolted as you coughed up a mouth full of lake water.

“Hey, there we go!” Jared exclaimed in relief as they rolled you onto your side into the recovery position allowing you to clear more water from your lungs.

“Thank god!” Jensen exchanged a look with Jared. Neither of them not at all comfortable with how close this was.

You rolled back onto your back, trying to make sense out of the bright colors and ringing in your ears. Your lungs burned; your muscles burned. Everything seemed to be spinning. A figure hovered above you, silhouetted against the blinding sun. You blinked and squinted as you tried to bring your eyes into focus. When a cloud drifted in front of the sun, your vison cleared. You saw worried green eyes, chiseled features, water droplets that clung to dark blonde hair and glistened. Somewhere in the back of your muddled mind, you recognized that face.

Your eyes fluttered open and revealed the most remarkable vivid, blue eyes Jensen had ever seen. Like those Texas bluebonnets that grew wild back home.

He smiled down at you, “Welcome back, sweetheart.”

Something flickered in your gaze, recognition combined with confusion. “Dean?”

Before he could respond, your eyes slid shut again. Jensen looked up to see Jared heading back to the boat for towels and blankets. He shrugged, desperate to lighten the heaviness of what had just transpired. “I guess she’s a fan.”

It was the pounding in your head that woke you. Your whole body ached and felt heavy. Either this was the worst hangover in history, or you’d been hit by a freight train. It took a colossal amount of effort to open your eyes and when you did, you regretted it. The florescent lights gave the room a slightly green cast and caused your stomach to clench unpleasantly. There was a faint, yet insistent beeping coming from somewhere that was keeping time with the throbbing behind your eyes. When your head fell to the side, you saw a man sitting there. You could tell he was tall, even though he was seated. He seemed to be uncomfortably folded into the chair like human origami.

“Hello?”

The raspy whisper tore Jensen’s attention away from the phone in his hands. Those blue eyes were hazy has they watched him. He sat up, instantly at attention. “Hey! You’re awake! That’s… wow that’s great.”

“I know you,” you tilted her head and frowned, trying to put things together. You studied his face and found him both ridiculously attractive and completely unfamiliar. “Wait, do I know you?”

"Not exactly, not officially.” Fuck! Why they hell am I so nervous?

He cleared his throat, “My name’s Jensen.”

“Jensen,” you repeated softly. “That’s pretty.”

He had to chuckle. “Thanks.”

“I’m in the hospital.” You knew you were stating the obvious, but that seemed to be the best your foggy brain could come up with. It was as if you were a computer struggling to pull up information on an outdated browser. Everything was slow.

Your brows drew together, “Why am I in the hospital?”

“That’s my fault.” Guilt clouded Jensen’s features, “There was an accident, out on the lake and you got hurt.”

“An accident… I don’t remember that,” you murmured uneasily. “Wait, if we’ve never met, why are you here?”

“I wanted to make sure you were going to be okay and apologize. I am so sorry; this whole thing was my fault.”

You gave him a weak smile. “You’re sweet, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up. You did say it was an accident.”

“It was, but I was still responsible for it.” You were watching him with such compassion, like you wanted to comfort him. “God, I never even thought to ask… what’s your name, sweetheart?”

Something about the way that endearment rolled off his tongue seemed familiar. It was warm, safe, comforting. Like a verbal hug.

“I’m Y/N... Y/N…” You faltered and frowned. Something wasn’t right. “Y/N… I, I don’t know. I don’t know the rest…”

“What? Your last name? You don’t know your last name?”

“I don’t remember.” Your heart sped up as panic crept up your spine. Your wide eyes sought out his. “I don’t remember!”

"Hey, it’s okay,” he soothed, trying to calm you down. “Just take a deep breath, it will all come back to you.”

You shut your mouth and swallowed thickly, your complexion turning slightly green, “I think… I’m going to be sick.”

Jensen was barely able to grab the trash can in time for you to empty your stomach into it. After you finally stopped heaving, he passed her a cup of water to rinse your mouth out. He gently brushed the hair away from your face. “Will you be okay while I go for the nurse?”

You nodded and closed your eyes, far too exhausted to be embarrassed about tossing your cookies in front of a handsome stranger. You didn’t open them again until the door squeaked open. A stout man in a white lab coat and scrubs entered with Jensen close behind.

The new man smiled kindly and took the clip board from the foot of the bed, “Glad to see you’re awake, I’m Doctor Stevens. How are you feeling?”

“Like I was ran over by a Mack truck. Twice.”

The doctor chuckled as he took your vitals, “I’ll bet you do. Can you sit up for me?”

You slowly complied and tried not to wince when he placed the stethoscope bell against your back. Listening to your lungs through the cotton hospital gown.

“Go ahead and breathe, deep as you can,” he instructed, not seeming at all surprised when you were only able to draw a shallow breath without encountering sharp pain.

“Well, your lungs are nice and clear.” The doctor said as he helped ease you back down. “You are a very lucky young lady.”

You squinted as he shone a pen light in your eyes, “I’ll buy a lotto ticket.”

“Be sure you take this guy with you when you do,” Stevens gestured to Jensen who was leaning against the window frame. His downcast eyes flickered up briefly, then looked uncomfortably away. “He saved your life. Winchester to the rescue!”

“What?” Why the hell is everything so confusing? I’m beginning to feel like an idiot.

“Thanks to Mr. Ackles, you were only under the water for a minute or two. Your rib fracture is as a result of the CPR. Which is typical and a minor price to pay when you consider the alternative. Not to worry though, I expect that to heal without much trouble.”

The doctor scribbled down a few notes in her chart, not taking any notice of the effect his words were having on his patient. You were equal parts shocked and pissed. Under the water, CPR, had you drowned? What the hell kind of doctor glossed over the details like that?!

“CPR? My heart stopped?!”

He had the audacity to pat her knee through the thin hospital blanket. “Only briefly, Mr. Ackles and Mr. Padalecki did an excellent job reviving you.”

Something about the way he smiled at Jensen in acknowledgement told you that you were missing some kind of connection. You couldn’t help feeling that the doctor was more interested in complimenting your rescuer than informing you about your own condition.

“Padalecki? Who the hell is Padalecki?”

Stevens opened his mouth to reply but you cut him off, “No, you know what… it doesn’t matter. Why don’t you tell me my last name, since I can’t seem to remember it? Or my address, or my phone number, or what I do for a living?!” Thoroughly upset now, frustrated tears gathered in your eyes. “I can’t even remember if I have a dog!”

The doctor glanced over at Jensen who only crossed his arms over his chest in response. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and replaced his fanboy demeanor with that of a medical professional.

“You took quite a hard knock to the head which resulted in a severe concussion. The MRI we took when you were first admitted didn’t show any swelling or brain bleeds. Now that you are awake, I’d like to take another scan just to be sure. Memory loss is quite common in cases like this and normally resolves itself given enough time and rest.”

You took a deep breath and nodded. It was a lot to take in, but from the sound of it, things could have been far worse. “And my name?”

“Unfortunately, there were no forms of identification in your personal effects.” Stevens gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze, “Get some rest and try not to worry. Everything’s going to be just fine.”

You watched Jensen sink down into the chair next to your hospital bed. For the first time, you noticed the lines of fatigue around his eyes, the exhaustion that hung around his shoulders. How long had he been here? Watching over you like a guardian angel, sitting by your side until he was sure you were okay.

“Is all of that true? Did you save me?”

He wasn’t sure why he reached over and took your hand in his. Maybe it was hearing that doctor laying it all out, he just wanted to reassure himself that you had survived. That you were sitting here talking to him, not laying motionless on the dock, lungs filled with lake water.

"It was only fair, considering it was my fault. My friend Jared and I were messing around on the boat, the sail got away from us and hit you in the head, knocked you into the water. We didn’t even know you were there until we saw your kayak tied to the dock. I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

You squeezed the large, slightly calloused hand in yours and smiled. That same kind smile that he was certain he didn’t deserve. “Thank you. You saved my life; the rest was an accident. Let’s call it a draw.”

#jensen ackles fanfiction #jensen x you #jensen x reader #dean x reader #supernatural #spn fic #rlp #Nightingale

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lailawinchesterr · 5 months

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part one, ignore ignore ignore [jensen ackles]

series masterlist | main masterlist

one,

I don’t waste any time running into my best friend’s arms and because I’ve been on the set so much, it doesn't faze anyone, not even when i’m interrupting a scene (though i try not to do that often).

"Hey, Lils, what're you doing here? Thought you had an audition?" I did, but it hadn't gone well so i decided against staying at home, instead coming to see Jared.

"Yeah, but i wanted to see you. It ended early anyways." I’m sure he saw through my white lie, gladly he decided against pushing since we’re still around people. Greeting Misha and Gen with hugs and soft ‘how are you’s warms my heart as much as anything.

Now where's Jensen, is my first thought as i lean closer to the small group, listening to whatever they were talking about, enjoying some of Misha’s salad. I usually try to keep my distance from the older actor only because he makes me nervous and I don’t know how to properly act around him. Much less now that I don’t hang out with Danneel either.

It’s been years since we’ve met but i still can't seem to get over my crush on him. I always have some stupid excuse to not be in a room he's in, i’ve hardly been in a room alone with him the whole five years, unless we were with Danneel, though he hardly talked then, opting to stay on his phone.

Jared checks his phone which just pinged; "Jensen's done with Bob, my turn." Gen groans, holding onto her boyfriend a little tighter. It makes me smile, seeing them so in love when i know how hard last year was on Jared. He never thought he'd find someone like Gen in his life but he did. And one year later they're still the strongest relationship i have ever seen.

"Where’s my lunch?" That’s a voice i can recognize anywhere and it makes me freeze. Now where on earth does Jared think he's going? And Gen hanging on his arm too? Yeah, no way am I staying here alone.

"Here." Misha holds up a plastic bag and Jensen quickly snatched it, sitting where Jared was just a second ago, next to me. "Don’t thank me or anything." He rolls his eyes and Jensen starts opening up his burrito.

"I need to get back to work, bye guys." No one is even fazed as i throw a random 'bye' to whoever will catch it, walking back to my car.

"I need to know what i did to her, man." Jensen says, mouth full with the insanely incredible food that Misha got him. He could really kiss the man right now.

"I’m sure it's nothing, she's not used to you is all." If he wasn't so busy stuffing his mouth he would've scoffed and hit his friend on the head.

"She’s known you for one year and you're already friends," he swallows, putting down the food, "i've known her for what? five years? she used to come over all the time and i don't even have her number, i don't know how that's possible."

"She isn't in the cast, that's normal. Maybe you just don't initiate conversation."

"Yeah, cause she looks like she wants to bang my head in every time i see her, she's not exactly the 'let's talk' type." Misha wanted to tell jensen that he was being stupid but the truth is, he's right. Laila’s been very obviously ignoring Jen for the whole year he's been here to witness, never mind the four before that. Laila and Misha are close, but he wouldn't say close enough to bring it up to her, maybe he'll tell Jared. It does seem to be affecting Jensen, so it needs to be dealt with.

Or maybe it was better left alone.

part two

#jensen ackles #supernatural #supernatural imagine #dean winchester fanfiction #spn family #jared and jensen #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x you #jensen ackles x y/n #jensen x reader #spn cast #jensen fucking ackles

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crashdevlin · 1 year

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Losses and Gains 1- She Deserves Better

Author’s Note: This is the first chapter of Losses and Gains, the second part of To Have it All. This is Something More...from Jensen's side!

Summary: Jensen doesn't take it well when Y/n catches the eye of a certain British gentleman.

Pairing: Jensen x Reader, background Reader x Tom Hiddleston

Word count: 4149

Story Warnings: open marriage, mentions of depression and heartbreak, the beginnings of bad things

~~~~

I knew. When I watched Y/n ride away in that Uber, I knew that Danneel had broken something. Months of getting closer, being in love with each other, building some secret something with her...all torn down with one catty, jealous comment from my wife.

I was hoping she'd come back around but I knew that I had one shot to see her and bring her back to me. I was hoping that showing her that I was still in love even when she was clear across the continent would work. I called her every night after we wrapped. The calls were short, fifteen minutes, usually, but I managed to make her laugh at least once a day. It was a good thing. Made me feel like there was still a connection between us.

I spent my days sad and my nights dreaming of her. I missed her so much and I knew, I knew it in my heart, that she was pulling back and that I was at risk of losing her. Losing her...well, that was going to be the worst thing I could think of.

When she went to Atlanta, I was excited. She'd be alone. She'd be able to remember how being with me felt. At least that was the way I thought it'd go. I mean, especially when she actually called me at noon on the first day of her shooting with Marvel. "Hey. How's your first day on a major motion picture going?"

“Uh, it’s good. My hair is super red. My voice is already tired," she said as I sat in my recliner in my trailer. "You remember when Rich was directing and he made us do the French Toast scene thirteen freakin’ times? Nothing compared to these Marvel guys.”

I chuckled as I remembered the day a few months ago. “You havin’ fun, though? Meet any of the biggies, yet?”

“Yeah, actually. Most of my scenes are with Tom.”

“Which one?” There were several Toms in the MCU so that was funny to me.

She laughed and I smiled. She hadn't really laughed since she went home...not with me, anyway. “Hiddleston. Sinthea has most of her scenes with Loki. I have a small interaction with Stephen Strange and two tiny scenes with Thor, but that’s it. So, I’m sadly not gonna have any screen time with Robert Downey Jr. or Sebastian Stan." She sounded so excited. "Oh, they did tell me something cool and super-secret-keep-your-mouth-shut. I get the mid-credits scene.”

I was filled with pride for her. That was a big fucking deal. “No shit?”

“No shit. Well, me and Tom, but… it’s Sinthea’s reveal, which I can’t go into because it's super-secret-keep-your-mouth-shut.”

“So, you're already callin' him by his first name, huh? I knew they’d take to you as fast as we did.”

There was a long moment of silence before she gave a little sigh. "Yeah, um, about that…Tom asked me for drinks after we wrap tonight.”

Drinks. I knew what that meant. He was making his move on her. Already, he was making his move. He hadn't even known her six hours! And she was going for it? “You said 'yes’?” I asked.

“Of course, I did," she practically squeaked.

I got irrationally pissed off. I was losing her. I was losing her to Tom fucking Hiddleston on the day they met each other and there was nothing I could do about it. But I wasn't pissed off at her…no, all that anger was directed at Dee and Hiddleston. “No, you’re right. I've got no claim to you, no right to stop you from your life. Hell, I’ve got a wife. Look, I gotta go. Bob’s calling. Talk to you later.” I was shaking as I hung up the phone. I literally hung up on her.

I jumped up and started pacing back and forth in the living room area, trying to deal with the anger. I threw my phone at the plush back of the recliner and rubbed my hand across my face as it bounced and hit the floor. What was I going to do? Was there anything I could do? I was stuck. I could only sit back and hope the man wasn't as charming as he seemed. There had to be something wrong with him, right?

"Wishful thinking, first of all. He's a complete fuckin' gentleman, by all accounts," Jared said when I told him what soured my mood. "Besides...this could be a good thing for her! She deserves a nice guy!"

"I'm a nice guy!" I argued. "She already has a-"

"Jensen, she doesn't have a nice guy in her life that can be a public part of her life and she deserves someone who won't treat her like a dirty little secret."

I clenched my jaw and my fists. "I have never treated her like a dirty-"

"The first rule of your relationship is that I'm the only person other than your wife who can know about Y/n. That is, exactly, treating her like a dirty fucking secret." Jared shrugged. "Come on, Ackles. Don't act like you don’t know how this played out for her. I told you how it was affecting her and how much worse it could get. You're lucky, and she's lucky, that she found someone else before either of you got in too fucking deep."

I scoffed. "She's not his yet. I can still pull this out. I can still fix-"

"Jensen!" His tone snapped me out of my monologue and I looked up to catch his eyes. "Stop. Just fucking stop. She's not his yet, but she's not yours either. She put up a wall and you need to respect that shit. Call your wife and work on fixing that instead."

"Are you kidding me right now? Dee is the reason that Y/n was emotionally available for this asshole to swoop in and turn on the charm! Why would I want to fix anything with-"

"Because she's your wife and you love her and she needs to be more important than your ex-mistress, okay?" Jared patted my shoulder and walked away as I processed his words.

He was right. Jared usually is when it comes to other people's lives. But I didn’t want him to be right. I just wanted to have both of the women I loved. Is that so fucking wrong?

So I switched my flight to Atlanta. I was planning to fly out Friday night to get there for her birthday Saturday, but I needed to get there as soon as possible to mitigate the damage.

Tom Hiddleston. Why did it have to be Tom Hiddleston? Why did she have to be interested in him? All that Loki energy rolling off of him.

I spent the rest of the day pissed off. Luckily, it worked with the episode since Dean was having to deal with Jack and spent half the episode irritated. We wrapped at about 1 in the morning. I was exhausted, cold, and still pissed as I trudged toward my trailer. I was planning to call her and leave a message before I went back to the condo...but my phone rang before I could get there.

"Hey." From the heavy way she said the greeting, I could tell she was drunk. It was 4 am in Atlanta and she was drunk dialing me. "Jensen, I’m drunk.”

“I can hear that," I said as I opened the trailer and stepped up into it.

“I’m drunk and I’m alone.” Alone now or alone completely? “I didn’t go back to Tom’s hotel with him, which...he's in the Ritz, by the way...because I was left with the distinct impression that you are mad at me and I don’t want you mad at me, Jay.”

Of course she thought I was mad at her and not him. She's got the self-esteem of an abused puppy. I couldn’t let her keep thinking my issue was with her so I scratched my head and sighed. "I ain’t mad at you. I know I…” Words. What words are the right words? Why do I struggle to say the right shit to her so often? “I’m married. We aren’t dating. I knew we were temporary when we started it." Which was painful but true. "I just didn’t expect you to leave me as soon as you…left Vancouver.”

“I’m…sure it’s temporary with him, too. It fuckin’ always is. Look, I’m not going anywhere, Jay. I…I’m part of the Family now, right? Even if Tara gets killed off, I’m part of the Supernatural Family. Even if we aren’t together, I’m gonna be around. Right? You aren’t gonna cut me off just because-”

“No! God, no!" The very idea of it...never...I could never. "Come on. Don’t…look, I’m not mad at you. I just really wish I could give you what you deserve.”

“I deserve a chance with Tom. Since I can’t have you…I deserve Tom. But I deserve to be your friend, too. Please, don’t take that away from me.”

I didn't think I could watch her be with him. I couldn’t stand idle as she started a relationship with him. I knew it was going to hurt too much, but still I said, “I won’t. I’m here for you. Promise.”

“Good. I have to get some sleep so…Jay. Don’t hang up on me again. It hurt.”

I shook my head at myself. I never wanted to hurt her. “I know. I’m sorry. Hey, but I’ll see you at the Atlanta Con, right? You don’t have any shooting for this weekend, do you?”

“Yeah. Definitely. The director cleared me for that weekend before I even got here.”

“Okay, great. I’ll see you then, Baby Girl.”

“Good night, Jay.”

I bit my lip as I disconnected the call. At least that hadn't changed. She still called me 'Jay' and it still made my heart thud out an extra beat.

~~~~

Clif didn't like the idea of me going to the convention alone. I was supposed to be with Jared. I was supposed to stay guarded. But I promised him that I was just going to sneak into the green room and surprise Y/n and then I was gonna grab a drink with her back at the hotel. He insisted on coming along anyway.

I made it to the con hotel about a half hour after karaoke started and I found the green room by memory from the last time we did a con in Atlanta and from there, I had a smitten volunteer take me to the backstage area. I could hear Y/n's voice as we approached. She was singing a duet, some Meghan Trainor thing I had heard her sing in the kitchen while making dinner. But instead of her singing the male and female like she did when she was frying chicken, there was another voice coming through the speakers.

I was, for the first time, irrationally pissed off at her. She brought him to our space. Conventions were ours. Conventions were for the Family and she brought this guy she barely fucking knew into our place.

I went back to the green room and started pacing. "Can you believe that shit? She brought him to a convention! She should know better! He's not one of us! Why would she bring- isn't it bad enough that he's stolen her away?" Clif just shook his head at me and went out into the hallway. He was not shy about the fact that he was on the 'let it go' train Jared was driving. I kept pacing for a few moments before sitting down on one of the couches, seething at her and at him. Tom, who walked in as I was debating leaving the con and pretending that I’d never been there. He stopped at the door and I glared at him. I couldn’t help it.

Y/n followed him into the green room about a minute later, practically bouncing with happiness. “Hey! You were amazing! Your voice is like velvet!” she exclaimed.

He gave her an uncomfortable smile and nodded toward me before he said something I couldn’t hear. She looked over at me and gasped before rushing at me. “What are you doing here on a Friday?!”

I stood up and pulled her into a hug. It felt good to have her in my arms again but I was still pissed off so I just licked my lips and stepped back. “Well, your birthday’s tomorrow. I didn’t wanna miss out on your big two-nine. Though, I kinda feel like I may be a third wheel now that I see him. I cannot believe you invited him to a con.”

She literally rolled her eyes at me and grabbed my hand, pulling me across the room toward him. “Tom, this is Jensen. Jensen, this is Tom.”

He extended his hand for me to shake it and for a moment I almost let him hang, but the look in Y/n’s eyes told me I couldn’t really do that. If I did, I’d be spurning her. So I took his hand and tried to crush it in my own. To his credit, he didn’t show any pain. He just smiled politely and nodded. “It’s a pleasure,” he said and I forced myself to nod at him.

“Right,” I agreed, as I stepped back from him and turned my focus on Y/n. “So...how about a drink, Y/n/n? I mean, if your friend doesn’t mind.”

“I agree, a drink is a wonderful idea. Should we wait until the karaoke fun is over or-” It made me cringe that he answered for her.

“Oh, we definitely have to wait for the finale!” Y/n exclaimed. “Everyone’s gonna sing ‘Carry On My Wayward Son’! If Jensen goes out to sing with us for the finale, the audience will freak the fuck out! He’s literally never here for karaoke!”

I didn’t really feel up to it. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was there except her. “Yeah, I, uh, don’t know if that’s such a good idea, roomie. I just came early for a birthday drink with you...and after you bringing your new friend, I’m sure they’ve probably had enough excitement for one night.”

She immediately slipped into her puppy dog face. “Oh, come on, Jay! The fans will love it!”

I ran my hand down my face and shook my head. “Fuck. You sure do know how to use those eyes on me, don’t you? I...guess I can do some Kansas. But after ‘Carry On’ you and I are grabbing a drink...just the two of us,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t put up any protest. If she protested, I’d just go have a drink by myself...and I thought I was going to have to do that because she looked over her shoulder at Tom, like she was asking permission.

“It’s fine. I’m sure you two have quite a lot to talk about with your...roommate. Meet me back at my hotel afterward?”

His hotel? She was staying at his hotel?

She nodded. “I’ll text you when I’m done. Just to make sure you’re still awake.”

“I’ll put on the strong tea.” He winked at her, then kissed her cheek and left.

I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I wasn’t sure what to say. I was so full of anger and pain. “So, you’re staying with him now?”

She shook her head. “No. I’m still at the Holiday Inn Express. I did stay at the...Ritz last night. And it looks like I might be staying there again tonight.” I was so hurt and pissed off about the very idea that she already fucked him that my stomach seemed to burn inside.

“Wow, that was fast. I mean, took me months of flirting with you before we made it to the bedroom,” I snapped. I didn’t want to make her feel bad but I was pissed. I could see the offense on her face and I felt bad about it but I was too pissed off to care much.

“Jensen, I had no fucking self esteem when I met you. I-I couldn’t even imagine that someone like you was flirting with me. But...you did and...because you showed me that I was worth the attention of a...of a god among men, I was able to see it for what it really was when Tom asked me for drinks.”

I scoffed. “Oh, so you’re saying that it’s my fault that you’re fuckin’ that guy? That...stupid...British...ginger…” I couldn’t articulate my anger. I couldn’t articulate my feelings.

She looked away but nodded. “In a bit of a roundabout way...yeah. I’m sorry, Jay. It’s just...we can’t ever be more than what we were. You’re married and you love her.”

“Yeah, of course I do, but you and I both know that my love for you didn’t start or stop at the bedroom door,” I reminded her and she looked away from me.

“But the way you love her...your love for her and your kids...it’s all-encompassing. You...can’t…” She sighed and looked away from me. “Jensen, I will always love you. Always, but...I deserve to be someone’s one and only. I would never be more than a--a distraction for your long days away from home. I deserve more than that.”

“I…” I shook my head and looked away from her. “I know. It doesn’t mean I gotta like it, though. I thought we were happy with our prior arrangement.”

“We were...until...I wasn’t.”

“Because you met him,” I accused her.

“Because I realized I wanted more,” she responded.

I was on the verge of tears, my heart breaking at the idea of her wanting more than what I could give her. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to stick around for the finale. Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just...not into it,” I said, starting to walk away.

Her hand wrapped around my wrist and I looked back at her. “Jay, please don’t shut down.”

I couldn’t hold back my anger anymore. “What do you want from me?” I snatched my hand away from her. “If you had told me ‘no’ in January, then it could’ve been okay.” No, it wouldn’t have. It would have hurt if she told me no, but it wouldn’t have hurt like this did. “We could’ve stayed friends but after everything we’ve been through...Y/n, you’re leaving me for Loki. It’s that simple.”

“We weren’t dating, Jensen!” she whispered, furiously. “I was your sex toy. I was something for you to play with when you were away from your wife!”

“I love you and you know that!” I growled and I was a little bit louder than I should have been.

“But you can’t be with me,” she whispered...and her voice was full of so much pain...and that hurt me.

Fuck, I just wanted everything to be okay. “What if I could?” I asked, before clarifying. “What if...we were really together?”

She looked around, obviously making sure that no one was around to hear what I’d said. Obviously, I wouldn’t have said that in front of anyone. She shook her head. “You’d never leave her and I would never want you to. It’s the last thing I want to be a homewrecker and she is your home. Her and JJ and A-to-Z.” I love the way she called the twins ‘A-to-Z’ but I couldn’t appreciate it right then. “I would never want to break that up. But I deserve to be with someone I can tell my family about. I deserve to be with someone for more than just the few weekends we do conventions and the couple weeks I shoot on the show. I’m not gonna be on Supernatural forever, Jay, and what then? I deserve-”

I couldn’t hear her say anymore. “I know that! I just wish I could be what you deserve.”

She looked irritated. “If I’d met you before 10 Inch Hero...but I never would have...before…” She shook her head. “Jensen, it’s just not in the cards for us. You should find someone else because...I’m moving on.”

“I don’t want another girlfriend. I want you.”

She looked away from me and sighed. “Fuck, Jay. I’m ready for a grown-up relationship. I am ready from more than just sex.”

That. That hit me harder than anything else. “Is that what you think this was? You can’t really think that’s all you and I had.”

“We couldn’t ever be anything else!” she hissed at me and I could see that she was as hurt by the whole argument as I was but my anger and hurt wouldn’t let me empathize. “We were never going to date or-or have a relationship that I could ever tell my friends or family about. I was always going to be a secret. What we did, for the past eight months, was hide in dark corners and behind bedroom doors and I knew for the last couple months that I wasn’t ever going to get more than that. I thought it was what I wanted. I thought that was less drama and it would be a good idea because the last time I tried to have something real was when I lost everything. I lost myself in Nate but I’m better now. I’m a fuckin’ adult, Jay, and I deserve-”

“I know!” I couldn’t help but lose my temper because she was right. She was right and I didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted her. Why did that have to be so fucking hard? “I get it! I’m not giving you what you deserve! But I’m not gonna stand here and pretend to like this shit because I don’t!”

“Keep your damn voice down!” she demanded, looking around nervously. I didn’t even care if someone heard at that moment. My world was crashing down. Her eyes were sad but she was breaking up with me and there was too much happening in my heart for me to care about what some fan or one of our friends was gonna say. “Fuck, Jensen...I can’t do this. If you want to push me away...if you wanna end our friendship over this…” She got a little fire behind her eyes as she stepped up closer and looked up at me. “If you wanna act like I’m fucking wronging you by stepping away from my status as your sanctioned fuck-toy, especially when I know that your wife was not as on-board as you both made it seem...Fine,” she bit out before stomping away.

“Oh, yeah, ‘cause I’m the fuckin’ bad guy here, right?! Happy birthday, Y/n!” I shouted as she disappeared into the hallway. I punched the nearest chair but it didn’t make me feel better, so I moved to the closest wall. I was about to do some damage when Clif walked in.

“The hell do you think you’re doing? Padalecki’s the one who’s supposed to get his ass hurt.”

“I don’t wanna hear it, Clif.” He scoffed as he followed me out the back door of the green room, heading toward the parking lot.

“You’re being a dumbass,” he said as soon as we got in the SUV.

“Said I don’t wanna hear it.”

“Yeah, but you need to. Am I your friend?”

I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. I didn’t want to hear how I’d fucked everything up. But I didn’t have anywhere to go once he started driving to the hotel.

“Course you are.”

“And you know I’ve been watching. I’ve been around. I see things a lot of folks don’t, right?”

“Yeah.”

“She was on her way out before Danneel even met her.” I glared at him in the rearview mirror. Yeah, I just heard her say the same shit, but I didn’t want to believe it. “I could see it in her eyes after you started with the lovey-dovey bullshit. As much as she wanted you, she knew that you couldn’t give her what she needed...and you can’t.”

I shook my head. “Clif...you don’t understand.”

“I do. I watch, remember? You’re so in love. I know. But now you have to give her an opportunity to have something else.” I looked out the window as he pulled into the parking garage at the hotel and parked. “I’m not going to tell you to focus on your family or any of the crap Jared’s been telling you. I’m going to ask you: does Y/n deserve someone who can shout his feelings from the rooftops, or should she stay someone’s secret for the rest of her life?”

I didn’t have to answer. We all knew exactly what Y/n deserved.

#cassie writes stuff #spn rpf #jensen x reader #angst #tom hiddleston x reader

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livebloggingmydescentintomadness · 3 years

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Okay so..... so, like ... I was NEVER a „cockles“ shipper, destiel YES TOTALLY, sure but I just never .. I thought there is no way. Like, I’m gonna be honest I could always see how almost everyone had a crush on Jensen, including Misha, and he said some outrageous and obvious stuff so I thought okay you know it’s probably a joke but most jokes have SOME truth to them so like I kind of felt like Misha had a friendly crush on him and that’s where the jokes come from.. but I thought whatever but I just kind of stumbled upon your masterlist and I thought .. I do not ship this .. but you know what if i‘m so sure of my opinion I can let it be challenged right? Like it won’t change my opinion so whatever but like ... I’m not even done with the first post and I feel like I have literally gone off the deep end, I don’t know how I landed here .. and the weird thing is okay so I have watched EVERY CONVENTION but just because I loved the crew right I never saw the shipping. Destiel, YES, but cockles no. And the main reason I always thought it was a bit ridiculous was that Jensen always seemed VERY reserved to me and also maybe a TINY bit homophobic. I‘m not one of those people that says he’s actually homophobic but like .. the way he always INSISTED that destiel was not real and that Dean was not bi, I thought okay it’s probably because he relates to Dean a lot and he’s not quite comfortable with then questioning his own sexuality so he says he doesn’t see it that way, whatever but at this point when looking at the post I‘m just like ??? And while LOOKING at the post I found another thing, MAYBE you mention this somewhere I haven’t gotten that far but I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS RN!... okay so in the Jib 9 panel ... at 25:56 Jensen talks about Danneel and he talks about how she‘s his rock and like ... someone in the comment just linked the time and said sth about ‚look at mishas face‘, right? So I did and he looked kind of .. not mad or anything but maybe a bit miffed to like ... not be included in Jensen‘s speech? You know? Like if ANYTHING, if any of this is real I obviously think the same thing you do which is that they are ... all in a relationship? I don’t know I feel insane even typing this out lmao but I fell into this and now my brain has latched onto it like ?? What does it mean. Anyway, so... so he talks about her being his rock and Misha looks a little bit down and then he stops and people applaud and then JENSEN says: „I will say this however: she might be my rock but I have some amazing pebbles in my life“ and puts his hand on misha‘s shoulder and taps it a few times like a reassurance .. wtf.. and Misha does this exaggerated laugh like .. it’s Hard to explain but yeah if you’re good at picking up social cues and stuff you know what I mean, like he’s being complimented and he felt a bit bad and has this little moment of lightness now... And he strokes his shoulder back and Jensen like has this little smile on his face .. I knew this clip, I have watched that clip and I always just heard it as „Jared and Misha Are my pebbles“ right? But ... he doesn’t look at Jared, he doesn’t address Jared and he doesn’t even gauge the audiences reaction it literally feels like he said it to just Misha bc he also touches his shoulder and only looks at him .. and like a second before he said it even, he looks kind of torn up about smth like he feels bad about just mentioning Danneel because that’s all he can say ... like I would never doubt he loves her but maybe that’s not -The whole truth? I don’t know, I don’t know WHAT is going on... but this is like ! ! I literally feel like wtf! I hate this I don’t want to be a weirdo about this haha, I would never be weird about this to them and like why do I care, I don’t know them but it’s just like this huge ❓ in my head and I can feel myself getting fixated on this haha. Because I DID always see and feel the chemistry they had, especially on camera. But I have just fallen down this rabbit hole and like .. wow. Anyway. I‘m gonna continue reading the post haha.

oh my god, anon, bless your soul, you have been on a JOURNEY this night haven't you. i say this with love: it has been a delight watching your breakdown unfold ask by ask, and i have laughed my ass off. again, said with love.

however, i'm going to put the rest of your asks under a read more so everyone else doesn't have to scroll the whole way if they don't want to lmao (though if you're a cockles fan i recommend it, it's adorable)

OK ANOTHER THING. I am the anon from before so: I JUSt Remembered Jensen accidentally called Misha „babe“ in the Gish thing or whatever?? And like JUST TODAY I saw that and I was like no haha no way because I would not have even considered this. It’s not even that I didn’t see the chemistry, I‘m a huge Destiel but it NEVER oocured to me for a second this could be anything actually real and not just a FanShip. So ... he said babe. And like that’s not even in the question, we heard it and the interpreter‘s face and reaction says it ALL (btw have you made a post on this too? I would just be curious to see a more in-depth thing? Maybe anyway) but I THOUGHT it was like a genuine slip up thing of the kind where you call your teacher ‚Mom‘ or your friend by your sibling‘s name because your brain is booted up to say it .. so like he would be used to saying it when he FaceTimed his wife while in Canada and so he accidentally says it .. granted it came very naturally AND he does fumble around it awkwardly .. in a way that‘s not „oh haha oops didn’t mean to say that to _you_“ and more like „didn’t mean to say that in front of PEOPLE“ and then Mishas smile and the interpreters face yeah but I thought whatever it just doesn’t mean anything, it just didn’t occur to me... but now when I think abt it my brain is making like printer noises because I‘m like ??? What? Did he say BABE?

Wait sorry, I got my parts all mixed up, just FYI I meant I was done with the second part! I for some reason missed the first part haha. So yeah. The more I’m looking at this I’m like ... wow. Wow? It is so obvious ... like I don’t want to say it IS true but it SEEMS true.

I am SO SORRY FOR SPAMMING okay I am SORRY! But I just I keep going into this deeper.. I’m actually only looking at part 1 now I got the parts mixed up anyway... so what the fuck I am just in this now, like I made this tinhat so I’m gonna lie in it... because another THOUGHT occurred to me. What if ... the reason they didn’t make destiel canon(canon as in on-screen actual romance and intimacy) was because of cockles? Like what’s your thoughts on this? I’m sure you have thought this all through a 373828 times better I have been here for 3 hours but do you any thoughts on this? I would LOVE to hear!!

I am so sorry I am still writing about this please obviously if this is just spam like you don’t have to answer hahah obviously I am so sorry... but I just want to say I have NO reservations left... like I’m still at post nr 1 mind you lol... wtf ... wtf wtf how did I not like get it before? I THOUHT LIKE IT WAS JOKES?? But some of the stuff like ... it makes zero sense as a joke ESPECIALLY if it isn’t “performed”. The intimacy and some of the awkwardness around “slip ups”that make NO SENSE if it’s just a normal comment and not a SLIP UP. Wtf.

Also: I have to get up to go to work in a few hours what am I doing. Fuck.

ALMA WTF THE ALMA THING ???? I am physically like ... I am just ... do you know the feeling when your whole world fucking changes on its axis LMFAO. Because it’s not like I didn’t know 75% of these clips I am a massive SPN and destiel fan so I KNEW THE CLIPS but I didn’t ?? I just didn’t . Understand. Wow. I just - WOW. I am so sorry, again.

Ok last ask I swear ok I swear. But I just wanted to say... ignore all the shit I said about “not believing it” or whatever .. this is ... like ... I have am a science oriented thinker okay, I like proof, I like facts and THIS looks .. like proof and facts. I just please... I very much respect that there is an unspoken rule about NOT ASKING THEM ABOUT IT. And like You said .. they do ... say all of this stuff themselves and as long as their actual real life or their privacy are not invaded like ... what I WANTED to say was I that I am not merely wearing a tin hat but a tin COSTUME but also I don’t think this is a tin-anything! This just is ... like it just exists this is me rely basic observation and it’s crazy ... to think I didn’t see it. But I just also didn’t especially go looking for it because I just didn’t care about the actors TOO much I just loved the show and characters. So now that I’m looking at the actors ... yeah. I just, yeah. Wow. Truly.

I’m an idiot and a fool to think you didn’t know about the “pebble” I just saw it in the compilation ... I feel like I offended my boss or something .. of course you knew you have the fucking masterlist .. please I stand corrected and I stand put in my place because I knew ... abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING before this and now I feel enlightened, I actually feel like ... like I my world view has shifted. Wow what the actual fuck.

Okay I wanted to write one last thing ... so I‘m done with the masterlist .. I also have to go to work in like .. 3 hours, ...anyway. I couldn’t have slept if I had WANTED to I think my heart rate was dangerously high. So ... I have concluded that this is fucking real. Like... there is no way there’s NO WAY it isn’t I‘m sorry... I just ... I also want to say that you are MASTER of this, you have ALL the links and all the info and I fucking .. i will have to calm down .. (I know I won’t be able to) and go to work and check it all out again afterwards with a clear head ... because this was just WOW! Just wow. Absolute WOW! Now that I‘m through the list my „before cockles“/disappointed destiel brain that NEVER EVER would have even COME CLOSE TO IMAGINING this is like wow I can’t believe it but my LOGICAL brain is like what the fuck is there to not believe, this is literally... everything is there. I am literally speechless... I am a HUGE destiel fan. I shipped them, I read all the fucking fanfic, I watched every episode a million times I watched all the videos, the cons, the amvs and edits and even some cockles videos slipped and OF COURSE I loved their chemistry of COURSE I loved them I couldn’t get enough I was BAFFLED by how IN LOVE they seemed and it didn’t occur to me that ... it could be real. Not just dean an Cas and friendship chemistry but REAL. I just knew they both had wives and thought it must all be fiction then but really, genuinely, my perception of things has shifted. I NEVER would have even come close to dreaming this up before, literally, and I will also say, destiel has like taken control of my life the past months lmao... since I finished the show i spent so much time reading and even writing fic and just thinking about them?? And I don’t really do this, like I had my two ‚ships‘ when I was like 14 and new to that but I just was never big into tumblr afterwards again or into any series that would WARRANT shipping and I could never get that excited about some of the ships people would love and talk about idk but they, they just fucking literally stole my heart in the show and I kept saying why are they so close? Wtf i UP with the chemistry it made NO sense that they would all deny it was written into the show but then have WHAT WE HAVE in the show like I could never make it make sense and it never fucking left my brain, there was such a DISSONANCE to what I was told and what I was seeing and when I tell you I had been consumed by this and it genuinely worried me like when will this go away, because I can’t imagine it will until SOME type of confirmation that yes, they both loved EACH OTHER. And really when I say that for the first Time in MONTHS this craving for destiel has subsided and been A LITTLE sated I mean it. I‘m not saying this to dilute what they have by making it about destiel, I‘m saying 1) this was a healing experience and 2) i understand now why I was so STRONGLY connected to this ship of fictional people, when it is not even something I OFTEN do. And I understand why it kept bugging me like some puzzle that was just unsolvable and my brain kept trying to put into place. And I can say ... the jigsaw have fallen into Place. (1/2)

I WILL say also: the one thing I, even back then could never make „line up“ with my belief that they are not dating are the TOUCHES. Especially the cheek kisses, caressing the cheek, the neck. Like, even then when I was just fully oblivious, I was like that is so weirdly close for total BROS. But I thought whatever ... maybe thats just their kind friendship how should I know? But uh yeah. Yeah. Wow. Out of all things, genuinely what I feel is such a giddy warmth like .. if you look at the fucking clips, you watch jensens face, you read the Alma POETRY? They must be so fucking in LOVE. To an extent that is insane, that I barely ever see like fucking ever. I don’t know ANYONE IRL who acts like that. And that’s also why It never clicked, like no COUPLE, less even a secret one, would act so over the top so it must be a joke, right? But wrong. Yeah. I still can’t believe. My Destiel heart is bursting, my heart that loves LOVE is literally exploding and I am just ... I feel sated. I feel at peace and calm but also giddy and happy wow and like I’m gonna explode. Thank you for the masterlists. I literally just wish them happiness ...

Also i just, for the first time in a long time, managed to rewatch the confession scene. And it hurt 100x more because I saw every single expression on their faces and I just thought... wow. They really love each other. And I thought about how dean was silenced .. ... I tried to stop thinking about That bc it made me sad but yeah watching it in the new light? Insane, just absolute ... like incredible levels of emotion and just ... I literally feel like I’m on a high. I am so serious about this, I feel like this could power me without sleep, without anything, for like a week. This level of elation and happiness is just wow. I haven’t felt this in a long time maybe literally not ever lol. I mean it. (2/2)

OKAY, that's all of them. 😂again, bless your soul, sweetie, you have had a fucking TRIP speedrunning cockles revelation all in a few hours.

no need to apologize for spamming me; i am a fisherman, my masterlist is bait, and i enjoy returning to find that i have a juicy catch on the line. i've snared many people with the masterlist, but it never stop being entertaining.

i'm not really sure where to start here, but trust me, i feel you. cockles is pretty much one of the only things that allows me to have any peace after the destiel debacle, because yeah, at least this love really does exist in the world. at least this is real, and we get to see it. that gives me a warmth in my heart and a few lonely sparks of serotonin in my brain.

iirc one of the only direct questions you asked is if i think the reason destiel didn't go (fully) canon is because of cockles, but tbph, no, i don't think that was the reason. i don't think the execs give a shit whether two of the actors have a relationship; they only seem to care about their own homophobia, and their deeply misguided notion that jared is somehow the spn golden goose, and the most money to be made was by keeping him free of gay cooties so he could be repackaged into walker and bring in the crusty old white man demographic.

i think cockles is a big part of the reason destiel came to exist, due to their uncontrollable onscreen chemistry and desire to kiss each other, which was palpable through the screen, and i think cockles is part of the reason jensen has come off as anti-destiel/lowkey homophobic (i wrote about that in the last section of the masterlist), but at the end of the day, they're both still professionals and i think they would have acted a reciprocal confession or a kiss if that's what they were told to do, regardless of how it affected their relationship or made people freak out. they clearly don't mind people freaking out lmao, and they obviously had no real control of what did/didn't happen in the script.

if you have any other questions or want to just keep screaming at me, feel free, but please do also take care of yourself!! i'm familiar with the cockles high, but you gotta get some sleep! the masterlist will still be there when you've had some rest. 😄

(for anyone who has come all this way and is wondering what the hell we're talking about, here's the much-discussed masterlist. enter at risk of your own mindfuck/euphoria.)

#cockles ask #i kept sending screenshots of these to my qpp i was in stitches #long post for ts #anonymous #ask

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