#anyway happy new year lol I’m waiting for my laundry to be done

[bereft-of-frogs]

Tbh that Pablo Hidalgo post is stressing me out haha because my personal philosophy is to minimize both invented terms and too-specific real world cultural phrases but I’ve always been secretly afraid that everyone actually hates that and secretly cringe every time I use…idk ‘glass’ versus whatever fake word some EU writer invented 😆

Like that’s where he lands by the end of the thread too but I’m totally going to have to block that post because every time I see it it starts the screaming in my brain

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 300: Days of Our Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: Hawks was all “hey Jeanist, wanna go on a road trip with me to my mom’s house?” Jeanist was all “you know it,” and so they hopped into Jeanist’s jercedes and took off. Hawks took a nap and had a flashback to his Dickensian childhood living in a abject poverty with his jerk mom and jerk dad, thinking heroes were make-believe until one day Endeavor arrested his dad and Baby Hawks was all “OH SHIT.” And then he saved a bunch of people, and the HPSC was all “what do we have here,” and blah blah blah, you know the rest. Back in the present, Hawks was all “well my life is currently in shambles, but on the plus side there’s no one bossing me around anymore so that’s pretty cool,” and then decided he was going to talk to Endeavor. Fandom was all “I can’t believe Hawks would side with his childhood hero over the man who burned his wings off and posted a video calling him a violent murderer who took after his abusive dad,” so that was fun and stuff. I can’t wait to see what piping fresh takes this new chapter will bring.

Today on BnHA: Our old friend Carbonation Carl tries to loot a Starbucks and gets his ass kicked by a senior citizen. Society is all “YEAH, WE’RE REALLY STARTING TO GET SICK OF THIS SHIT.” Old Man Samurai is all “this room won’t stop me because I can’t read it” and abruptly decides to retire, which, fun fact, is literally THE LEAST HELPFUL THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE. Anyway so then a bunch of other punkasses follow suit, and while I won’t say that I’m actually starting to root for Stain to kill some peeps, just for the record I’m not not saying that either. Back in the hospital, Endeavor cries some tears because his life sucks, and then is confronted by his entire family, LED BY QUEEN REI, FIRST OF HER NAME, BACK IN BUSINESS AND LARGE AND IN CHARGE. Rei is all “fuck feeling sorry for yourself, we have a rogue Murder Son on the loose” and I swear to god I have never felt so alive.

so here we go! and just for the record, even though the last two chapters have been phenomenal, I don’t necessarily have any sky-high expectations for chapter 300, mostly because chapters 100 and 200 consisted of Mei Boobs, and Toadette and her horrific quirk lmao. so go ahead Horikoshi, what are you gonna pull out of your hat for this one

oh, back to this stuff again. sob

I guess there was only so much time we could spend having hospital antics and exploring Hawks’s past before we got back to dealing with the whole “the world has gone to absolute shit” issue huh, lol

omg

what’s with these bizarrely cute Noumus. why do I want to pet them

so the narrative text is going on about how people have been super paranoid about the Noumu ever since the USJ incident a year ago. so yeah, I guess the fact that there are now a bunch of them confirmed to be running around is really freaking people out even on top of everything else

wtf is happening here

what did this poor lil glass ever do to anyone. r.i.p.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

SODA SAM IS BACK ON THE LAM

tsk tsk tsk. my man has graduated from snatching purses to raiding cafes. going after that big money. this man has no business sense whatsoever lmao

OH BUT WATCH IT NOW!!

OH SNAP THE PEOPLE ARE FIGHTING BACK. WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW SAM

THIS MAN IS 172 YEARS OLD AND HE’S NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES!!

WTF IS HE LIGHTING THIS THING ON FIRE OR SOME SHIT. GETTEM GRANDPA YEAHHHH HE’S CHARGING AT EM YEAHHHHHH

lmao so that was fun. and now we’re cutting to Wash!! omg. look at him

he’s so dedicated. too bad you don’t have a car like Best Jeanist. probably takes a while when you’re just running everywhere

you see?? you were too slow!!

NOOOO, GRANDPA. he defeated Pepsi Pete, but lost his life in the process. this is too tragic

anyway so the good news is that the cafe has been saved! but the bad news is, there really isn’t much of a cafe left. huh. I guess that’s one of the reasons why people are supposed to get a license to use their quirks like this

oh snap and now everyone is coming outside, and they’re none too happy to see poor old Wash over here

seriously Wash, get a bicycle or something. also the way this guy is gesturing so dramatically with his hand in this sort of “YOU SEE!! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!” manner is sending me

OH MY GOD

HE SPEAKS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. IT MEANS JEANS PUNS ARE YESTERDAY’S NEWS, FOLKS!! MAKE WAY FOR THE LAUNDRY PUNS. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH THIS ALL... UNFOLD

“the heroes had dwindled away” okay real talk you guys, it is literally only a matter of time before they press-gang the children into picking up their slack. I still don’t know how to feel about that, but it is happening one way or the other regardless. Child Soldiers 2 Electric Boogaloo. wonder if we’ll see a rise in vigilante action as well

OHO WHAT’S THIS? THIS IS A CHAPTER OF GRANDPAS HUH

-- no fucking way

WOW. WOW. WOWWWWWW

wow. so he didn’t do a fucking thing while the rest of the top ten were being turned into red mist in the previous arc, and now that it’s all over and they need his help more than ever, he decides... THAT IT’S TIME TO RETIRE. holy shit. “fuck you” doesn’t even begin to cover it my guy. you stand there and soak up those boos you coward

ohhhhhhh shiiiiit you guys. oh shit

the “I am not here” breaks my fucking heart for real though y’all. oh man. everything he worked for is gone just like that

(ETA: okay so a couple of the takes I’ve seen on this make it seem like All Might is somehow the bad guy here?? “this is what happens when society puts a bunch of glorified cops on a pedestal”, “finally the cracks in hero society are showing”, etc. etc. so, just a friendly reminder that this isn’t happening because of too much trust and a lack of critical thinking; this is happening because the villains killed all the heroes and broke a bunch of murderers out of jail. it’s happening because an organized league of terrorists succeeded in terrorizing, and so society is now understandably awash in fear and panic. like, it’s just wild to me that AFO is RIGHT FUCKING THERE, and yet week after week fandom still has their “IT’S ALL THE HEROES’ FAULT” signs still up on their lawns. BUT WHATEVER, MOVING ON.)

also though, so exactly how much time is passing here now? I wanted to go straight back to the hospital and see what happens with Deku and the Todorokis. please don’t tell me we’re jumping ahead sob. my aaaaangst

OH SHIT

STAIN. LISTEN UP BUDDY. I KNOW WE’VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES, AND I STILL DESPISE YOU FOR CRIPPLING TENSEI AND TRYING TO KILL MY BEST BOY TENYA. BUT AS IT HAPPENS, THERE ARE ONE OR TWO OTHER HEROES OUT THERE NOW WHO I WOULDN’T MIND YOU PAYING A VISIT I’M JUST SAYING

LOL BUT IT ACTUALLY ISN’T THIS MAN, FFFFFF

sob. yeah I was talking about Old Man Samurai actually but YEAH. HEY THERE ENJI

also is this entire hospital actually run by characters from Super Mario Bros though. first Yoshi and now this guy, come the fuck on that is not a coincidence

lmao they stuck him in another one of these cavernous creepy hospital rooms

wtf is it with Horikoshi and these giant fucking rooms lately. Kacchan’s in chapter 298, then Tomie’s colossal house furnished with like one table and a TV, and now this. and the weirdest thing about it though is that “huge space with nothing to fill it up” is like the exact opposite of what you’ll usually find in Japanese homes lol

so now Enji is just sitting there thinking things like “my head is fuzzy” and “I’m alive” lmao okay. not quite all there yet, huh. I’ll give you a minute

I’m so fucking curious as to who his first visitor is going to be omg. either way it’s going to be interesting af, and either way fandom is probably going to feel some way about it but OH WELL

okay now his thoughts are getting more coherent! and he’s remembering Touya, and feeling regret for freezing up and forcing Shouto to deal with everything instead

!!! OH HERE GOES BRACE YOURSELVES Y’ALL IT’S ABOUT TO GET SPICY

NO TOUYA PLEASE DON’T CRY HONEY NO PLEASE

ohhhhhhh man

okay, I mean I didn’t expect you to, but so instead then you’re just going to do... what? lie there and wallow in regret and self-pity for the rest of your life? son you know that’s not how we deal with our problems here in Shounen

though also, I totally do get it though. honestly, thinking on it, I probably would have been disappointed with any other response. but so this is where the rest of his family (including his adopted son) come into play now though, because like it or not they’re all in this thing together. and so friends, I am once again asking you WHO IS GOING TO BE THE ONE TO VISIT ENJI FIRST

AHHHHHHH

KRANCH!!!! OMG AND THE OTHERS ARE SO TINY NEXT TO HIM THAT I ALMOST DIDN’T SEE THEM AT FIRST. IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE TWENTY MILES AWAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS REGULATION HOCKEY RINK OF A ROOM

holy shit I’m so excited lkjlklhlglkasdsjldfk

SDKFJLSKHLKJL

the way she has him by his collar lmaoooo. “lol nah you’re not going anywhere pal.” damn straight, siblings have to be ride or die in situations like this. banding together for survival. strength in numbers

OH MY STARS I’M JUST WARNING YOU NOW THAT I’M ABOUT TO DISSECT EVERY LAST REMAINING PANEL OF THIS CHAPTER PROBABLY YOU GUYS. WE COULD BE HERE A WHILE

love how Fuyu has absolutely no idea how to segue into THE SINGLE MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION SHE’S EVER HAD, so she just GOES FOR IT in pure small talk mode like they’re meeting up for brunch somewhere

I KNOW IT’S A SMALL THING, BUT I APPRECIATE THAT THE FIRST THING ENJI ASKS IS WHETHER THEY’RE OKAY

lastly while I can’t wait for more of this delicious Natsu angst, I also just have to say that Enji has as much reason to cry right now as anyone on the planet. you can’t deny that being confronted by your not-dead-but-you-thought-he-was-dead son who’s all “SURPRISE DAD I GREW UP TO BE A MASS MURDERER AND I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND NOW I’M GONNA MAIM YOUR OTHER KID” with a side order of “EVERYONE HATES YOU AND SOCIETY IS CRUMBLING AND NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD EVER AGAIN” is enough to bum pretty much anyone out. there’s a Pagliacci the Clown joke here somewhere. BUT DOCTOR, I AM THE NUMBER ONE HERO

oh man lol he is seriously falling apart

damn. like you guys, I’m sorry, go ahead and cancel me, but I do feel compassion for the man. it’s therapeutic for me to see an abuser actually feel remorse and be truly sorry and want to change and want to make it up to his family. and it’s also compelling as fuck to read a narrative about a family that’s trying to grapple with that, because let me tell you straight up, as someone who’s done a version of that song and dance -- it is exhausting. it is a piping hot mess. it’s a gigantic mishmosh of extremely volatile emotions that all somehow all contradict one another. love, hurt, hope, anger, betrayal, resentment, attachment, longing. it’s something you can both be desperate for and also want nothing at all to do with. and attempting to portray all of that and write about it is a monumental task, and one which Horikoshi has done so, so delicately thus far, and damn but I appreciate it. anyway, so I’m here and I’m ready for my latest helping of Todoroki Fam Feels you guys

GASP

oh man. OHMANOHMANOHMAN. CAN IT REALLY BE. IS THIS THE REDEMPTION ARC OF CHAPTERS 100 AND 200???

LMAO SHE’S ALL “WE ALL FEEL BAD YOU JACKASS STOP CRYING ABOUT IT”

LAY INTO HIM REI!! SORRY ENJI YOUR PITY PARTY HAS BEEN CANCELLED IN FAVOR OF A “SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT” PARTY COURTESY OF QUEEN ELSA OVER HERE. THE PEOPLE TOOK A VOTE AND WE WANT LESS WHINING AND MORE ACTION

oh my god look at this lady folks

NOTE THE HAIR BLOWING IN THE NONEXISTENT WIND. NOW WE KNOW WHERE SHOUTO GOT THIS POWER FROM

(ETA: btw guys, seeing Rei handle this crisis like an absolute champ despite everything she’s been through is everything, though. I’m reminded of Hawks’s line last week about people sometimes unexpectedly finding liberation when they’re backed into a corner. like things may be shit but goddammit her kiddos need her.)

THE CHAPTER IS ALREADY ENDING SOB, IT’S ONLY A 17-PAGER THIS WEEK, BUT GODDAMN WHAT A WAY TO CLOSE

oh my god. oh my god oh my god. AND FUCK YOU HORIKOSHI FOR CUTTING IT OFF THERE sob. it’s like each week the wait for the next chapter becomes more painful. the Todofam is about to get real, and on top of that Hawks is gonna crash the party at some point down the line, and on top of that we’re still waiting for Kacchan to have his own heartfelt discussion about What The Fuck Are We Supposed To Do Next with his best friend who’s currently in a coma. all I want to do with my life is read about these three things, and all I can do is simply wait as they are portioned out in agonizing, addicting little installments every week

anyway! tune in next time as we answer the question of whether or not fandom will finally run its train of logic all the way through to its natural conclusion and somehow manage to cancel Noted Abuse Apologist Todoroki Fucking Rei. don’t act like it can’t happen. you all know nothing is sacred lol. anyways but I’m ready for anything lol, bring it

[peralta-guaranteed]

Wishing I could read something about Peraltiago talking about how they feel on all Teddy's proposals to Amy. They are really akward, uncomfortable moments and Teddy really crosses the limits every single time, and wish we knew more on their takes about it. Once I read a fic about Jake sending Rosa to stop Teddy and take care of Amy but it just not the same.

lol I have a fic on that topic exactly - I have a proposal for you - where I had the cathartic experience of writing about Rosa breaking Teddy’s hand for being so awful, but I agree with you, Teddy reappearing in the show is so uncomfortable each time ugggh. I thought the wedding one was the worst but then he shows up literally fathering a child with someone else and still does it, disgusting.

So maybe take this as taking place before that fic of mine, where Jake does mention how bad Teddy's proposals make them feel!

Jake can tell, just from the simple drop of her purse in the hallway, that it wasn't a good day.

Weird, how it's these tiny things that he's learned to read instantly - or maybe not, given that he's a detective trained to focus on details others would overlook, and being unable to stop the habit when it comes to the most important people in his life.

She tries to be all smiles when she comes into the living room, though, where Mac is happily rolling around in his playpen while Jake is folding laundry on the couch, the very picture of domesticity as she leans over the pen to kiss their squealing, giggling little baby. The view of her in one of her old pantsuits instead of her Sergeant's uniform is already making his hearts do little leaps even before she makes her way over to Jake for their customary Welcome Home kiss.

"How was that inter-department meeting today?" He asks as she shrugs off the suit jacket and continues her pace into the kitchen, setting aside a set of Mac's bibs that can't be folded anyway.

"Okay." She replies, and that's enough to make him abandon the laundry alltogether and follow her (one eye on Mac, of course, but he's not even crawling yet, and couldn't roll himself into any danger on his foam-based playmat - probably). It's rare that she doesn't have at least one inspiring, 'interesting' or just generally informative story to share from her meetings, the only person in probably all departments looking forward to them.

She's staring into the fridge when he reaches the room and leans against the counter, trying to gauge her level of upset. From the raised shoulders and the fact that she doesn't need to check the fridge to know they were going to order Chinese tonight, he guesses it's at a solid 8, at least.

"Teddy was there." She mumbles into the cold, bright space in front of her, and Jake's shoulders tense up just as much as hers even as he tries to sound as chill as possible.

"How is he?"

"Still extremely boring." Then, after a pause. "Still hung up on me."

So much for chill.

"Did he propose again?"

She nods and sighs, her shoulders dropping as she closes the fridge, but doesn't turn toward him.

"I don't know what's wrong with him." She says through gritted teeth, suddenly. "He has a child with someone. He has a wife. How can he look at them and turn around and-"

Mac's little happy cooing from the living room interrupts her, as do Jake's arms as they wind around her middle, his chin dipping into the space between her shoulder and her neck.

"That's probably a question only a therapist could answer, babe."

Amy sighs as she leans back, falls into the warmth and support of her own husband, the father of her child that she can hear happily babbling to himself from a room over, and wonders some more how Teddy could ever think he would be a better option for her.

"He wasn't like this when we were dating." She muses, and feels Jake's kiss against her jaw - a reflex action she's noticed whenever she mentions a past partner or anything, frankly, that reminds him that there was a point where he wasn't Jake Peralta-Santiago yet. But she kind of needs to finish this thought, and she knows he can handle it. "He was nice and kind and he wouldn't- he wasn't manipulative, pulling something like that in public, or deluded enough to think he was in the right for it. I mean, he thought he was pretty great, but he wouldn't have -"

"You musta broken something pretty major in his brain when you left him." Jake's voice is joking, luckily, but she can sense a hint of something more. "The absolute devastation of a Santiago break-up speech, rehearsed or not."

"Harsh, Jake."

"Remember manbun musician? He went downright insane after your split - not that he was probably the sanest person around before that, but-"

"You promised we'd never mention him again."

"I'm just saying. I don't think any man left by you is going to be completely right in the head after that."

"You're making me sound like some black widow monster." She smiles, though, hearing the awe and affection in his voice bleed through.

"I'm not judging those guys, anyway." He continues, and that tinge of something else in his words is back. "I mean, I can't imagine what I'd be like if you ever decided to take Teddy up on one of his proposals."

She straightens up from her lean on his chest, twists in his arms without breaking the hug, and stares right into him as she studies his face - his actually slightly scared face.

"Jake, you know that's not ever-"

"I was joking babe."

"No. Jake. That's not even an option. Not even an idea. Never. Not in a million years. Not if-"

She grabs his shirt where it's unbuttoned, right next to his heart, and his hand reaches up to squeeze hers like it always does, thumb swiping along her rings.

"I know, Ames." The soft kiss that follows calms her just as much. "I cashed out that jackpot and I'm not giving it back."

She hums as she kisses him again, leans her forehead against his for a deep breath.

"It's just... sad." She returns to her original train of thought. "That he can't move on despite his life doing so. I mean, it's been years. He's got a new job and a new partner and a new baby, and he's willing to, what, dump all that? For me? For that idolised image he probably has in his mind of me now, because nothing between us has been real since ages ago?"

"Wow, this is really bugging you."

"Yes! He's barging into my life and thinking he knows what's best for me and that it's him, like I'm some love-struck silly dreamgirl who's going to drop her entire world because he's romantic enough to go down on one knee in front of our colleagues and superiors who have no idea what's going on-!"

Mac's noises from the next room turn from content to disagreeing, growing into what is sure to be a cry any minute now, and it's the only thing that can make them break apart from their hug. He calms down immediately when Amy lifts him out of his pen, and holds him close while she settles on the sofa next to the half-done laundry basket, snuffling against her chest in a very obvious I’m hungry mom couldn’t you tell?! move before she can even unbutton her dress shirt.

He latches on immediately when her shirt is open and her bra pulled down - not a nursing bra today, considering she got ready for an important work meeting - while she feels Jake rearrange the pillows behind her and to her side to get her comfortable, without a second of hesitation or having to think about it. He moves on to pick up the jacket she's dropped onto a dining room chair, drapes it on a hanger in the hallway, and she feels the soft prick of tears in her eyes before he settles down again next to the two of them with a glass of water for her set on the coffee table.

Jake only hums as he notices the shine in her eyes too, and wipes across her cheek. He knows that nursing can get her into a pretty emotional state sometimes, but this is probably a bit more than that.

"I love you." She says, and barely waits for his return of I love you too to continue. "I can't believe Teddy expects me to look at Mac, and look at you, and still think he could ever be a better offer for anything I want."

"Aw, babe." He grins softly in return while playing with Mac's foot that is kicking in his direction, covered in the fuzziest green socks with red apples on them. "You scored a pretty dope 2-for-1 deal with us, I admit."

“Before that, too.” She insists, leaning to unlatch Mac and hand him over to Jake to burp as they always do while she buttons back up, thinking about Teddy’s many proposals before Mac was even planned on. “Jake, you know that, right? You alone were the best deal first and foremost.”

He smiles at her, Mac’s soft little curls right next to his cheek as he sways and pats his back, but it doesn’t fully reach his eyes.

“Jake-”

“You were happy with him.” He says, quietly, while Mac lets out his usual milky burp and smiles at him much wider when he wipes him clean with the linen cloth pulled from his shoulder. “I know it’s in the past and I - I’m not jealous or anything that stupid, but. Like you said... He wasn’t like this back then, and you were happy.”

His eyes seem forlorn, even as he smiles at the now sleepy baby in his lap that looks so much like him it always makes her heart twinge, that little bundle of joy with Amy’s dark hair and skin that seems to know the Cuban sun without ever having been there.

“And I know it’s not - and it doesn’t make sense to think about, but - sometimes his stupid proposals made me wonder what would’ve happened if he’d done that while he still made you happy.” His voice turns low, and it’s probably not just to avoid waking Mac back up as he falls asleep. “And that just makes me think about how I had to watch you be happy with him, and that’s not - that’s never a good memory to revisit, honestly-”

“I wouldn’t have said yes.” She leans over into his field of vision, the most serious look on her face. “Even back then, I wouldn’t have said yes to his proposal.”

Jake’s eyebrows scrunch up in question, his eyes turning into those puppy dog eyes that she knows as a direct hit to her heart when he’s actually sad or worried, and she can’t not hold his face in her hands again.

“Yes, I was happy with Teddy for a while, but looking back at it I realise I was- there was always this feeling of waiting for something. Hoping for something to be different.” She kisses him, careful and short and barely there, but enough to make him close his eyes and lean towards her a bit more. “And maybe back then I thought I was waiting for him to change somehow, but really I was only waiting for him to change into you.”

“Teddy couldn’t change into me if he had major brain surgery.” Jake scoffs, and Amy huffs a laugh with him.

“Yeah. And that’s why he’d never been right for me. That’s only ever been you.”

He finally, properly smiles now, eyes open again and set on her with a soft shine to them before he leans over more, as much as he can without waking the deeply asleep baby in his lap.

“I’m glad you figured that out when you did, in the end.” He quips and earns himself a shy nod. “And said yes when it came to the only good proposal you got.”

She snickers at that, thinking about the gaudy but wonderful boxing belt in her mementos box, and leans in the last few inches she needs to kiss him again, neither careful nor short this time, but equally as soft. 

“And the next time I catch Teddy trying to propose to you again I’m going to punch him out before he can even get down on one knee.”

“You are not assaulting a fellow officer.”

“Kick in the balls?”

“How very mature, Mister-I-have-an-actual-child-now.”

“Can I at least tell him where he can stick his ridiculous ideas of marrying you at any point in the future, no matter the circumstances?”

She hums for a second.

“You can. If you add in how ridiculous the idea was in the past as well.”

“Oh now, that’s a good deal.”

[tuanyiems]

The Spirit of Christmas

Jaebum x Reader holiday!au, roommate!au words: 2.8k

Plot: You are sugar and spice and everything nice and your roommate, Jaebum is coal—at least, that’s how it seems at first glance. With the pandemic and Christmas Eve coming to an end, maybe it’s not just Jaebum that needs a little Christmas spirit. 

a/n – guess whose household got covid in time for Christmas? 2020 hates me lol anyways, I said I was going to post a Jackson holiday au but that was taking too long, I’ll post it next Christmas lmao here is jb and his kitties in the meantime <3 happy holidays folks, stay safe and merry and I’ll meet you in the new year

“What is that?” Jaebum looks at you incredulously as you carry an armful of green into his living room. You let it fall onto the floor, much to his annoyance and his cats’ pleasure. Nora flops onto her belly, rubbing against the green sticks.

“It’s our Christmas tree!” you grin, running your fingers through the fur of her belly and earning a nip to your fingers. You giggle at the tickle of her teeth on your thumb. Despite her feisty disposition, Nora very rarely ever bites for real.

“That’s a pile of plastic,” your roommate plops himself on the couch, feet thrown over the coffee table.

Your mouth twists as you push the ottoman closer to him with a gentle push of your fuzzy sock-clad feet. Jaebum glances at the bright yellow ottoman you brought into the apartment when he told you about a million times that the thing was a waste of money (and a neon eyesore). He then looks over at your feet looking awfully like a red stocking, and he truly does mean the awful part. He keeps his feet on the coffee table and leans back into the couch, arms behind his head.

“It’s a Christmas tree,” you emphasize, lifting his legs with a huff onto the ottoman. You dust your hands before placing them onto your hips. “And you’re going to help me put it up!”

He frowns, looking into your eager eyes. “Remind me why I moved in with you again?”

“Because I had a spare room and you needed someone willing to live with five cats,” you answer easily like you always do. You throw one of the plastic limbs at him. “Now come on, let’s get festive!”

“Your festive and my festive are very different,” Jaebum sighs, but he gets up anyways.

“Noted,” you chuckle, clearing a space on the floor for him to sit beside you.

You grab your phone to turn on your playlist, lovingly titled “HO! HO! HO!iday Cheer” and immediately you can see Jaebum’s face sour at the familiar jingle as Mariah Carey’s voice echoes through the room. 

“Oh, we’re going with my festive, just so you know,” you warn him belatedly. He blows at his bangs, shoulders slumping in surrender.

“Let’s just get this over with before my ears start bleeding,” he grumbles, grabbing hold of a couple plastic limbs.

“That’s the spirit!” you cheer, slapping him on the back. You don’t miss the small twitch of his lips.

You had a lot of hopes for this year, all of which pretty much went down the drain. That was life though, you rolled with the punches. But you certainly did not expect that when you opened your home to Jaebum and his five cats, that just two weeks after, he would be your only social life for the next nine months (if you didn’t count your biweekly grocery outings). 

And while you have nothing against Jaebum—in fact, you absolutely love his five cats—it doesn’t take a genius to tell that the two of you are very different. Jaebum’s black on black fashion, motorcycle riding, sterling silver face piercing-self, next to your pastel, soft knit cardigan-wearing, always smelling like bread and daisies…the two of you are a walking metaphorical neon sign flashing “opposites!”

“Why does that matter? He’s going to be my roommate, not my husband!” you had shrugged Jinyoung’s warning without a second thought. 

That memory would come back to bite you during the first three months of shared living, for every time he woke you up from his random 3am showers or played horror movies in the living room right before your bedtime, and especially whenever he responded to your silly jokes with a deadpan face or worse, his unrelenting despondency. 

Over time though, you learned how to read him—like how he was nicer after a cup of coffee or how he has trouble sleeping but always manages to fall asleep on the living room couch when you’re baking bread in the open kitchen. You’ve learned that when Jaebum scowls, it’s mostly just a reflex and actually, if you can catch a reflection whenever he’s looking away, usually he’s smiling. And although he will grumble about it the entire way through, if you ask for help, he will always be there (even when he tells you he won’t). 

Maybe you both express yourselves differently. You say “I love you” and he will ask “Did you eat yet?” You bake cupcakes and have teatime on the porch with the older neighbors, Jaebum installs cameras and buys extra essentials whenever you go grocery shopping together. You fill the windowsills with abandoned plants and bring them back to life, Jaebum leaves cat food and old blankets in your backyard for the strays. 

No one else understands when you tell them you think you and Jaebum might be the same person, but they haven’t seen him the way you have over the last nine months. Beneath his hardboiled exterior is a sensitive soul who loves quietly and cares a lot.

“There’s no point in putting this up,” Jaebum grumbles as he fits another limb into the trunk of the tree. “No one’s even gonna see it, it’s already Christmas Eve. Anyways, the Christmas party is canceled.”

“You will see it. I will see it,” you hand him another part. “Isn’t that reason enough?”

“It’s a waste of electricity,” he adds, not even glancing at you.

“The lights I bought have a timer!”

“And then it’ll be more work taking it down again.”

With a pout, you stand up and Jaebum turns his head in surprise.

“Where are you going, it almost done?”

Your frown easily twists back into a smile, seeing the way he hurries to put the last limb into the tree. “Time for the decorations!”

Jaebum rolls his eyes and looks down again and you can just tell he’s hiding another smile. You hurry off into your bedroom to grab the supplies.

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!” you sing as you reenter the living room and Michael Bublé’s voice rings from your phone. Twirling in an oversized pajama pullover (which might be Jaebum’s that got lost in your laundry three months back), you settle the box of ornaments on the floor. “I’m so excited to show you!”

He looks at you blankly, waiting for you to continue.

You squeeze your shoulders together, excitement barely contained as you reach into the box and pull out an emerald velvet pouch.

“It came in the mail just in time!” you grin, clutching the bag to your chest. 

He lifts his brow at you, but the rise of his cheekbones gives him away.

“Ta da!” you squeal, pulling round orbs out of the bag. “One of my co-workers has a side business making custom ornaments and I got one for each of the cats!”

“Woah,” Jaebum takes one of the ornaments into his palms, eyeing it closely.

You bite your lip, holding in a satisfied giggle lest you ruin the moment. He sits quietly, admiring each ornament of the cats. When he gets to the last one, you pull out one more orb from the bag, holding it up by its gold, glittering string.

“And I got one of us too,” you say quietly, showing it off to him. 

He slides closer, nose practically touching the ornament. It’s a simple, clear bulb and inside are your figurine versions, dusted with glittering snow around a Christmas tree.

Finally, Jaebum breaks into a smile, eyes disappearing into crescents. You find yourself letting out a breath you had been holding.

“They even got my cheek piercings,” he chuckles, pointing to the tiny orb. “And your derpy smile too!”

“Hey, my smile isn’t derpy!” you whine, smiling.

“It’s cute,” he adds and you falter, wondering if he means the ornament or your smile. But in true Jaebum fashion, he doesn’t explain himself and turns back to the cat ornaments. “This is really well made.”

You ignore the pulsing in your chest, nodding your head. “Yeah, I told her she should raise her prices.”

He gets up from the floor and offers you his hand. “Let’s put them up.”

Cheeks flushing, you let him help you up. 

“Do you think it’s okay though? The cats might knock them down,” his brows furrow with worry.

You chuckle, grabbing the ornament from his hand and hang it off the tree. “Pretty things are meant to be shown and if it breaks…then we’ll get new ones!”

Jaebum rolls his eyes at your optimism but a small smile stretches across his face. “I think your co-worker would be offended to hear how you treat her work.”

You shrug, crouching down to Nora and Odd as both cats swat at the ornament hanging precariously off your finger. “Art should not belong behind glass walls. They’re meant to be seen and enjoyed, like your music!”

You giggle as Odd jumps into your lap, pawing at the shiny orb as you lift it out of reach each time. You miss the way Jaebum looks at you.

“Okay, less playing and more decorating,” he replies, throwing a string of gold tinsel at your head, much to the cats’ delight. You laugh at their excitement, glancing at Jaebum’s reddened ears.

Humming to the Christmas jingles, you stand alongside Jaebum, dressing the plastic tree in glittering ornaments and lights. Once in a while, you even catch Jaebum swaying to the music when he thinks you aren’t paying attention.

“Aaand,” Jaebum lifts the shining star from the box to you and you rise onto your tiptoes.

“Done!” You cheer, placing the star on the top of the tree. You clap gleefully, elbowing Jaebum to follow. He gives you three limp claps before you give up and crouch down to Odd instead, forcing the kitty to clap paws.

“Okay, can I go to my room now?”

“Not yet!”

He groans, plopping onto the couch. “What else is there left to put up?”

You pout, hands on your hip. “We can’t have a Christmas tree without the Christmas tree lighting ceremony!”

He sighs, pinching at the bridge of his nose. “There’s a ceremony?”

“Of course there is!” you laugh, rushing towards the light switch. You flick the switch without warning, covering the living room in darkness.

With only the light from the streetlamp peeking through the windows, the falling snow is even more visible. The sight fills you with childlike excitement.

“Are you ready?” you whisper, walking over to the switch for the Christmas lights.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“We need to count down,” Your lips jut out at his indifference as you eye his dark figure. In the darkness, you can just barely see his features, but you imagine he is rolling his eyes at you.

Just as you are about to give in, you hear him sigh loudly, “Five,”

You break into a smile, “Four, three, two,”

“One…”

“Merry Christmas!” you sing, twisting the knob and flooding the room with small twinkling lights. 

But you don’t look at the tree. Instead, your gaze remains in Jaebum’s direction and you watch as the lights illuminate his face. And you are pleased to see he is smiling. You know it’s just the reflection of the lights, but he looks like he has stars in his eyes.

Sensing your gaze, Jaebum looks at you and frowns, embarrassed. “What?”

You smile, cheeks warming. “Your cheek piercing looks like it’s twinkling from here.”

“Don’t be weird,” he scowls. “Are we done now?”

“Do you want hot chocolate?” you offer, moving over to sit next to him on the couch. 

He shakes his head, getting up. “I’m going to bed.”

Chuckling, you let him leave, watching as the cats follow behind him. “Merry Christmas, Jaebum!”

“It’s not Christmas yet!” he yells back before you hear the sound of his bedroom door closing shut.

With a quiet sigh, you grab your phone from the coffee table and turn off the music. The silence feels even quieter with only the lights from the Christmas tree flickering around the room. Without anyone else in the room, your energy quickly depletes.

Outside, the snow whips by in flurries.

This is not how you imagined you’d be spending your favorite holiday, although the festive lights do make you feel a little bit better.

You wanted the Christmas gatherings though.

You were a family person through and through.

You missed it all—the packed house, cooking dinner with the aunties, playing board games with the little cousins, throwing said boardgame across the room when you rage quit, making up for it with freshly baked cookies that you’d nibble on at midnight while opening gifts by the Christmas tree. You even missed the nagging from your parents, asking when you’ll get a boyfriend and settle down.

Snuggling closer into the arm of the couch, you hug yourself. 

It’s colder this year. 

Emptier. 

“So, you turn off the Christmas music after I leave?” You jump in surprise at Jaebum’s voice entering the room again. He takes a seat next to you on the couch. “You listen to it just to annoy me, don’t you?”

You blink back, wondering why he returned. “Did you forget something?”

He shrugs, leaning back into the couch and gazes at the Christmas tree. “It’s my first Christmas tree, I thought I should look at it a little longer.”

“This is your first Christmas tree?” you look at him in surprise.

He nods nonchalantly. “Never really celebrated Christmas.”

You sink into your seat, thigh touching his. “What a year to start celebrating.”

“Only because you have me hostage.”

You chuckle softly. “Well, I’m glad you had no choice but to be stuck with me. Would’ve been a lonely year without you here.”

“Hmm,” he looks at you thoughtfully. “Never pegged you as the lonely type.”

“The holidays can do that.”

“Then just think like me, pretend it’s any other day.”

You sigh, leaning into Jaebum. He doesn’t scoot away like he normally does. Instead, you find his arm resting around your shoulder.

“I don’t want this to be any other day though. This whole year has been a blur of any other days.” Your lips jut out in a pout as you look up at your roommate. “I know I must sound like a child, but I want Christmas.”

Jaebum laughs softly. You can feel the rumble of his chest.

“Cute,” he mutters, and you flush. His arm around you pulls you tighter. “Then, do you want to open your present at midnight or in the morning?”

Your eyes widen and he laughs at your expression once more. “You got me a present?”

“Well, yeah,”

“But…you said you don’t celebrate Christmas.”

“But you do,” he answers easily, looking at the tree again. “And anyways, if you’re gonna make me do all the work, I might as well celebrate the whole thing, right?”

You grin, poking his chest. “Admit you had fun tonight, Jaebum.”

He shrugs, smiling. “The ornaments were cool. I’ll be the DJ next time though.”

“Deal,” you beam, holding out your pinky. You giggle when he looks at your outstretched pinky with an arched brow. You keep your hand raised though. “Come on!”

He lets out a loud breath but eventually curls his pinky around yours.

Your heart warms, seeing how big his pinky measures around yours. It’s why when he moves to let go, you keep your pinky curled.

Laughing at his confused frown, you show him your thumb. “You have to seal the promise, Jaebum!”

“You’re an actual five-year-old,” he groans.

“Yes, I am,” you grin, eyes curling into crescents. His tone doesn’t faze you. From up close, you can confirm that there are indeed, stars in his eyes. They twinkle in amusement at your gesture and his lips lift once more when his thumb presses against yours.

And this time, he doesn’t pull away.

Pursing your lips shyly, you let your hand fall to his lap.

Looking back up at him, his gaze is soft on you. You pretend not to notice the way his fingers thread around yours.

“To answer your question, I’d like my present at midnight.”

“As you wish. Then shall we make hot chocolate and watch a movie until then?”

“Sounds like the perfect Christmas,” you tell him softly.

“Okay, Joker or The Dark Knight? You can pick.”

You grin, squeezing his hand. “We’re gonna watch Home Alone, Jaebum.”

“You’re terrible,” he feigns.

Chuckling, you let go of his hand and rise from the couch. “I’ll go make the hot chocolate.”

Jaebum grabs your hand again and you turn back curiously.

“Hm?” 

His thumb brushes the back of your hand gently.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Jaebum.”

[okaywitheverything]

Cooking Diaries with Kiba: Kiba x Reader

A/N: i know its been long but I am waiting for requests tbh. So don't shy away babies. Also we hit 250+ on check ups and 50+ on world's worst best men so yayyyy! Thanks for coming to my ted talk lol and go enjoy!

Based on this tumblr prompt:

Today had been a long day, and you were to curl into bed and go to sleep at this moment right now. It had been one of those tiring days where you would skip dinner for a moment of shut eye.

With Kakashi as the new Hokage, much work had to be done to get the necessities in order. You and Shikamaru almost spent 14 hours a day at the office to help Kakashi. But you knew that within a week or two things would normalize and set into order.

When you got home it was 10 PM, and even though you had only had a salad for breakfast with 12 granola bars distributed at odd intervals during your day, you were in no mood to eat. Honestly, that sounded like too much effort right now.

But then why did your feet take you to the kitchen? It was probably the copper smell in the air that got you worried. It could also be Akamaru barking with disapproving tones. Yes, you might have learned a thing or two about Akamaru in the past year.

With barely awake eyes and a really dazed mind, you entered the kitchen to find your boyfriend’s back to you, him facing the stove and your adorable little puppy barking continuously beside him. However, as soon as you entered Akamaru turned towards you, now wagging his tail and striding towards you. You smiled down at him, not actually having the energy today to pick him up and play with him like you usually did, hoping he’d understand. He was a smart pup after all.

With barely awake eyes and a really dazed mind, you entered the kitchen to find your boyfriend’s back to you, him facing the stove and your adorable little puppy barking continuously beside him. However, as soon as you entered Akamaru turned towards you, now wagging his tail and striding towards you. You smiled down at him, not actually having the energy today to pick him up and play with him like you usually did, hoping he’d understand. He was a smart pup after all.

You would have greeted Kiba like you usually did but before you could utter a single syllable, Akamaru jumped at you. You let out a short squeal which most definitely caught Kiba’s attention as he turned around looking surprised.

Akamaru however didn’t mean to play as you expected but instead his teeth nibbled on the wrist of your long sleeved top, and then he slightly dragged you to your loving boyfriend.

The thought that Akamaru was playing matchmaker to your already established relationship crossed your mind but that train of thought immediately went out the window when you saw Kiba’s palm sliced in half, the wound almost a centimetre deep.

Your lidded eyes opened and widened as you grabbed his hand and carefully looked at the gash, the amount of blood surprising you. He had, of course, survived worse injuries than this but why in the world was he bleeding so badly, when he was in Konoha instead of the battlefield, having spent the entire day at home with only laundry on his chore list. Also, you were protective of him because it didn’t hurt to care about your boyfriend a little.

“What the fuck, Kiba?’ you exclaimed and grabbed his hand, being as gentle as your anger allowed you to be, taking him the bathroom and nudging him to sit on the marble counter top. You grabbed the first aid kit from the shelves and started working on his hand. Halfway through, when all that was left was to bandage his hand, you had finally gathered your thoughts, pushing your sleep aside, which was easy considering Kiba gave you a rush of adrenaline as soon as you entered home, and looked at him worriedly.

“what happened Kiba? You know how worried I was?” Your disappointed mom look tugged at his heartstrings as smiled sheepishly with his uninjured hand rubbing the back of his head.

“I’m sorry darling, I was just hoping to cook something nice for you, you’ve been working yourself to the limit lately and don’t think I haven’t noticed you skipping meals.” His apologizing tone turned accusatory midway and you gulped.

“You could have ordered takeout baby. I really appreciate the gesture, I really do but don’t you know that the cooking stunts are to be performed in supervision only?” You slightly joked and giggled as he broke out into a toothy grin as well.

You finished bandaging his hand focused on knotting it/taping it at the end as his palm rested in two hands as you inspected it for the last time. Hopefully he didn’t need stitches so that was good.

Out of nowhere his other hand wrapped around your waist and pulled you towards him, your face crashing in his toned chest as you let out a yelp. When you pulled yourself back and looked up at him, his eyes were already focused on you, gazing at you so lovingly that you felt you were in paradise. You just wanted to grab his face and kiss him all over his face, starting at his nose and ending at his-

As if reading your thoughts, his injured hand’s index finger and thumb held your chin so delicately, with a feather like grasp and his pillowy lips crashed onto yours. You devoured each other, his eagerness showing how much he missed you, how aware he became of your absences these days and him not liking it one bit.

Needless to say, you were quite awake now.

You both ran out of breath and pulled away but your gazing constant didn’t end until a few minutes.

When Akamaru’s bark broke you both out of your trance, you intertwined his fingers with yours and pulled him upstairs with you towards the bedroom.

“Shouldn’t you eat something first? I will order some-”

“I’m hungry, but a lot more tired. Cuddle with me?”

“I’m offended you would even ask that.”

You both snuggled under the heavy duvet, with him spooning you from behind, Akamaru coming to lay at your feet.

“What were you cooking anyways? The gash was pretty deep.” You asked with closed eyes.

“I was planning on making pudding, it’s a good snack and a light one-”

“Babe, I’m pretty sure there is absolutely no step that requires a knife though.”

“I think you missed the step of breaking an egg using the ever helpful knife-”

“What the fuck do you mean you were trying to cut open the eggshell?! What even- You know, I can’t- Again what the actual fuck, Kiba?” you stumbled over your words, as you jerked out of his embrace and now faced him, with the most confused expression ever and your eyes as horrified as they can be. Your eyebrows scrunched in disbelief with your mouth so wide open that Kiba would have laughed at your adorableness was he not astonished at the piece of information he received.

“Are you sure (Y/N) bec-”

“Yes, I’m pretty fucking sure Kiba.”

“Well the recipe said to break three eggs and thought a knife would work but the egg rolled away while my hand came in between so….”

“So you chopped your hand off while doing the stupidest thing ever? I think it is the easiest step in any recipe, right after boiling water.”

Kiba lightly chuckled at that and replied, “Well, I’m your idiot anyways honey.”

“That you are. Please be cautious baby. How am I supposed to not worry when you are away on missions if I can’t even trust you in the kitchen?”

“Sorry for worrying you (Y/N).”

You lightly smiled and pecked his cheek, returning to your original position of being the small spoon.

“Hey Kiba?” You mumbled with closed eyes, right on the brink of falling sleep.

“Yes baby?” He asked, nuzzling in your hair, taking in its sweet scent.

“Please watch a fucking tutorial next time.”

 A/N: So I did get a few requests and I’m so happy that you guys are responding. I will write the requests but I might take some time so bear with me. Also if you wanna be friends dm me cause I don’t bite I promise. If i gather enough active people I might make a group of close knit members where we might share others IDs, a safe place sort of thing but that’s wayy in the future. 

Until then, show this post some love babes.

Meet you soon with another post my cookies.

[satoruvt]

the color of you - you (7)

thank u for reading. this was an amazing ride. i hope this last chapter is as meaningful to u as it is to me.

pairing → keigo takami x reader

word count → 3249

summary → you’re not really dating, so you can’t really be in love with him... right?

song inspo → kill my time and best years by 5sos and the Tiniest bit of eight by iu x suga!!!

this chapter → y/n’s sad, two cute girls, a text, a talk, kisses, a happy ending for our favorite idiots in love.

warnings → super emotional sex at the end lol

It’s taken a while for you to get to functioning level. A while, you think, because it’s been two weeks and you just now are starting to take note of the dirty dishes in your sink and the pile of laundry in the corner of your room that you haven’t washed yet. Because it’s been two weeks and most nights you lay in your bed and sit there and stare at the wall. Because it’s been two weeks and you still replay what you said, over and over in your head, because it’s been two weeks and you have to will yourself not to cry when you see Keigo on news reports on TV or in the local newspaper.

A while. And you’re still not… okay, yet. It might take a while longer to get there.

The days go by quickly. You spend your time baking, like usual, but it’s lonesome now. It was never lonesome before Keigo - tiring, sure, but it never made you lonely. He never helped you out anyways, he sat on top of your counters and snuck spoonfuls of cake batter and icing like a brat (and pouted when you said no more, like a brat). And when you’re not baking, you’re scrolling mindlessly through social media. Or crying. Or laying in your bed. Or all three, at once, on the worst nights, because this shit sucks.

In retrospect, you have no idea why this hurts so much. Keigo and you, despite legal arrangements, were never really dating. He was never yours to lose. He was a friend, when it came down to labels. Fake boyfriend, if you really wanna be technical. That’s it, though, nothing else - you two are - were - friends.

Still, it hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts so much sometimes you think you feel it physically; some nights ago you thought about it and almost-felt a bright flash of pain over your heart, like your brain expected it to happen but it didn’t. You cried for a bit after that. Ran yourself a bath at near-three in the morning, soaked emotionlessly in the hot water in the quiet. It didn’t make you feel much better, not really, but it soothed you at least for a short time.

You’re walking to Angel Cakes (the clouds are painted different shades of gray, so you hurry just in case it starts to rain) when you feel your phone buzz in your pocket. Your music stops - a call, it seems - and when you pull your phone out to see the number you see it’s Keigo’s publicist. You figured it was coming, but - again - it’d been a while, so it still takes you a bit by surprise.

You don’t even get to murmur out a greeting before the guy’s speaking. “Why did you call it off so suddenly?”

You blink, sigh, don’t even bother with a hello anymore. “I just… couldn’t do it,” you answer, and it’s at least kind of true. Vague, but true.

Keigo’s publicist sighs, this time, and you can almost see him pinching the bridge of his nose. “Okay, well, legally, you’ve only got three weeks left to keep this up. You don’t have to talk to him often, but don’t make it obvious something happened. Do you think you can do that?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“If it really bothers you, I won’t pressure you. Neither will Hawks. But I hope you stick around for what little time is left.”

The call ends with a gentle “okay” on your end, and then his publicist thanks you and hangs up. By the time you put your phone back into your pocket you’ve arrived at the bakery. You walk through the front, offer a few of your employees a tight-lipped smile, then make your way directly into the kitchen.

The day is so slow and so fast at the same time. It seems to take hours to mix ingredients, but proving dough for three and a half hours seems like fifteen minutes. That’s how it’s been lately - slow and fast and stagnant and flowing all at the same time. You stopped, but the world didn’t, and it makes you dizzy to try and catch up. Somehow it happens, but you feel barely there.

You’re usually just in the kitchen most days - you are the head baker - but all you’re doing is waiting for a few batches of cupcakes to cook, and it’s a busy day, so you decide the front of the house could use some help. You tell one of your employees to go on their break while you take over at the register.

The customers come and go; you write down names, call out orders and hand out pastries and coffees. Two girls walk in at one point - memorable, since one of them has bright pink skin and they’re both wearing UA uniforms, you recognize - and you smile at them when they come up to the counter, but they don’t order anything.

“Can we have a picture?” The pink girl asks, eyes blinking at you. You furrow your brows.

“What? Why?” is your first reaction, and the other girl - who has pink cheeks and a cute bob - speaks.

“You’re Hawks’ girlfriend! We love you,” she says, adding the last part shyly, and both of them look up at you hopefully.

Her words send you into a brief moment of thought - you miss Keigo. You’ve known that you do, it never leaves, it’s always in the back of your mind at the very least, but seeing these girls, knowing they’ve followed yours and Keigo’s relationship, knowing they fully believe you and him are together… it does something to you.

Nonetheless, the gesture is nice, and it makes you smile genuinely for the first time in a while. “Okay,” you agree, chuckling at their delighted giggles. They turn around, the pink girl holds her phone out to catch the three of you in a photo, and you throw up a peace sign and the cutest face you know how to do. As icing on the cake, they both order something to go, too. You call out a thank you for your support as they exit through the doors, grinning back at you.

The thought of Keigo lingers in your mind as your employee from before comes back out and you retreat into the kitchen once more.

-

You need to tell Keigo.

If he doesn’t already know. You need to tell him, because ever since those girls visited the bakery, you can’t stop thinking about it. You need to tell him because regardless of how much easier it is, you hurt him by not just explaining that he didn’t do anything, and there’s only, like, two weeks left until the contract is done, and if he never wants to see you again, he won’t have to.

You need to tell him.

You unlock your phone, finding your messages app and then Keigo’s contact. He’s sent a few texts since the two of you last talked in person (all asking if you’d be willing to sit down and talk) but he hasn’t sent anything in a while. Before you lose the little courage you have, you type out the message and send it.

y/n

can we talk?

Keigo responds almost immediately, and somehow it makes you feel worse about everything.

keigo

Yeah, of course

You tell him to come to the bakery after closing tomorrow, and he says he’ll be there. You put your phone facedown onto your sheets and breathe.

-

The next day isn’t slow and fast. It’s just fucking fast. Fast enough that it seems like only a few hours pass between when you get there and closing, and then you send all of your employees home and you’re wiping down the counters and waiting for Keigo to show up. Because you’re talking to him today. Because you’re going to tell him you love him. Wow.

You’re turning your open sign over so it projects “closed” to the outside world when you see him. He stands outside the doors, watching you watch him, and when you make eye contact with him it’s like a breath of fresh air and pollution all at once. Both of you stay where you’re at, still, until you see him offer a small smile and you don’t feel as tense, not anymore. He opens the door and you move to throw a dirty rag behind the counter.

“Hey,” Keigo says after a moment. He stands in the middle of tables, hands in his pockets, and you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“Hi,” you respond, and God, it’s so awkward. “Um, do you - do you want anything? I could make coffee, or - I have, like, two leftover donuts from today, I know you like them.”

“No, I’m okay. Thanks.”

It’s so awkward. You nod, then gesture to an open booth in the dining area for both of you to sit. Keigo does and you follow, sitting on the opposite side. You get strange deja vu from it. There’s silence for a moment, but then you can’t stop yourself from speaking, opening your mouth a few times to get the right sounds formulated in your head.

“I’m so sorry, Keigo,” you say quietly, meeting his eyes. He looks confused, brows furrowed. “I didn’t mean to - to do this, I never thought I would, I’m just - God, I’m so sorry. I fucked everything up. I did this to us.”

“No, what?” Keigo responds. You fiddle with your fingers on your lap. “This wasn’t just you, what are you talking about?”

Your heart is pounding. You want to look at him, to see him, drink him in because you’re pretty sure it’ll be the last time you’re able to, but tears sting your eyes and you can’t see properly, so you keep your head down. “It was,” you murmur instead, wiping whatever’s slipped out as briefly as you can before looking out the window. The street in front of Angel Cakes is empty. In your peripheral vision you see Keigo tense, lean away from the table between you.

“You have to say it,” he tells you. He knows. He knows, he knows - time moves in slow motion, when you turn your head, when he blinks, the way he sounds when he speaks.

“I love you, Keigo,” you say. It comes out so easily. Too easily. It feels so right to say it, even despite the circumstances.

It’s so quiet. It reminds you of the night of the conference, and you know what’s going to happen. He’ll leave. You know it’s coming, he -

“Really?” Keigo asks, and why is he grinning like that?

“Yeah, I -”

“Holy shit. Holy shit - Y/N, me too. I love you too.”

What?

Keigo laughs like he’s relieved and you can’t move, can’t breathe, all you can do is look at him. He looks so beautiful and you blink yourself out of your trance, licking your lips before you speak again.

“You - too? You feel the same?”

“Yeah. Have for a while.”

A moment passes, but then you furrow your brows - “Why the hell didn’t you say anything? Do you know how much time that could have saved both of us?”

Keigo laughs, and it’s genuine and you know it is because his eyes crinkle at the ends. He shrugs, remnants of a smile still on his lips, when he finally speaks. “I thought you knew, and you didn’t feel the same. I figured that’s why you were acting weird, why you told me to leave after the conference.”

You need to move. You stand up, exit the booth, pace a little before stopping. “No, I…” you pause, running a hand through your hair. “I realized how I felt and thought you didn’t feel the same at all, and I didn’t want to tell you and have it ruin everything, because so much is at stake with your image and the bakery -”

Amidst your ramblings, Keigo had stood up as well, standing in front of you. He shushes you and you let him, looking up at him.

“So what I’m understanding is that we’re both fucking idiots?” He questions, and you let out a breathy laugh. 

“Yeah,” you say, still smiling. “I think so.”

The two of you just stand there for a moment, basking, before the thought hits you: you can kiss him. You could kiss him before, sure, but that was… for his image, for the contract. You can kiss him for you. You can kiss him because you want to.

You barely lean forward, but Keigo seems to get the message. You go slow - you don’t want to scare him away, you don’t want to scare yourself away. You want to remember this forever. But you close your eyes and feel your way through it, sigh when your nose bumps his and then you’re kissing him, for real, for you. And it’s so much better than it ever was before, because you know he loves you, he loves you.

It’s short, but you let yourself sink into it, fall into Keigo like you never let yourself do before. His arms wrap around your waist as yours come around his shoulders and you stay like that for a minute, feeling and breathing and loving, before the two of you break away.

“You’re really good at that, hero,” you say, just like the first time, and Keigo grins. A thought crosses your mind and you take half a step away from him. “So, um, the bakery’s closed, and I was just gonna head home but would - do you - do you want to come with me? To, uh, to my place?”

You’re sure you sound stupid, stuttering and fumbling over your words, but when you meet Keigo’s eyes he looks like he couldn’t be more enthralled by an invitation. So you grab your things and lock up Angel Cakes and the two of you are at your apartment in fifteen minutes flat.

You unlock your door, throw your things down on the couch and turn around to face Keigo, who’s still at the door.

“Be honest,” he starts, “did you bring me here to kill me?”

“Obviously,” you answer quickly, and he laughs and you laugh and it’s so much better than before because he pulls you close again and presses giggly kisses against your lips and you do too. And then giggly kisses turn to kisses, and kisses turn deeper.

They’re deep enough that it’s getting kind of hard to breathe correctly, and when his hands move on you you sigh. He turns his mouth down to kiss at your neck and you swallow, relishing in the feeling of his tongue against your skin, before letting out a hoarse call of “bedroom,” which you feel Keigo grin at.

He stops his assault, though, and lets you lead him to your bed. You gently push him onto it, get him to sit down, then pull away enough to take your shirt off and when it’s off he just stares for a moment. It makes you a bit too aware of the fact that you’re here, with Keigo, and this is very obviously leading somewhere, but then he makes cute grabby hands at you and you giggle as you situate yourself between his legs. 

It takes little time for both of you to strip down completely, never leaving each others’ hold for more than a few seconds. You end up under Keigo as he preps you, curls his fingers into you until you’re mewling and gasping into his open mouth.

“Keigo,” you call, but more to ground yourself. Euphoria shoots from your core to your toes to the top of your head. “Please, I - I need -“

“What do you need, sweetheart?” He’s murmuring, silvertongued and sweet, “I’ll give you anything, just ask.”

A million cheeky responses run through your head but then one of his fingers rubs over your clit and you want to sob. “You. You, Kei, only you, just -“

Keigo groans, pulling his fingers away from you only to mumble a disgruntled “where the hell are the condoms” and when you giggle breathlessly he sends you a playful glare. You reach a blind hand to your bedside table, pull open the drawer with a bang and don’t even bother to shut it after you’ve pulled out a condom. 

He’s quick to put it on (and you pretend you aren’t absolutely mesmerized by his hands as he tears open the package), and once he’s pressed up against your entrance he looks up at you, a lingering question of “you’re sure?” and you nod.

“Love you,” Keigo gasps as he enters you. “God, I love you.”

His words make your heart swell and he pauses, letting you adjust to him before you ease him into a rhythm with a gentle roll of your hips. He feels like honey, warm and slow, taking his time with you and you wouldn’t have it any other way. He feels so good and sounds so beautiful and you love him, you love him, you -

Neither of you are rushing, and there’s no need to. You’re already close, your sighs and whimpers rising. You look up at Keigo and sweat shimmers on him like gold, drenched in the lingering blue light of the sunset - he reminds you of the world. Beautiful and true and glowing. You tell him you’re close and your voice is wrecked with emotion and his eyes are bright, bright.

“Thank god, I was never gonna last long,” he says, and you chuckle as best you can, air stripped from your lungs with every drag of him inside of you. “You drive me crazy.”

One of your hands runs down from around his neck, traces up until it rests on his cheekbone. He looks so gorgeous like this - gentle yet exasperated, hair curling wildly around his face and mouth hung open. He leans into your touch and moves his hips faster, and the one hand that isn’t occupied with touching him runs down between both of your bodies until your own fingers reach your clit, tracing circles until you explode.

Your orgasm rips through you slow and sweet like something you’ve seen coming from miles away. As you come down from your high, Keigo’s just reaching his, and you swear to any deity you can that it’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever see. His wings unfold and spread in a flash of bright red, eyes clenched shut and he moans, letting himself fall further on top of you. He doesn’t let his entire body weight collapse onto you, and you lazily pull your arms around him as he shudders under your touch. 

The two of you lay there like that for some time, simply basking in each other. Eventually Keigo pulls out of you and disposes of the condom, and the second he gets back into bed he’s curling himself into your arms, burying his face into the crook of your neck. You close your eyes and smile into his hair.

“I love you,” you tell him. “Thank you for letting me love you.”

“You’re welcome,” he responds, and you scoff, but he takes himself out of your neck to look directly at you. “Thank you for giving me a chance to be loved by you,” he says. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

All the colors in your universe appear in him.

[crazy4dragons]

Bikini

Hiccup realizes he’s sexually attracted to Astrid. Takes place in my Like Heaven universe. Part best friend fluff, part Hiccup having a teenage crisis, lol.

Hiccup’s eyes widened as Astrid tugged her beach dress over her head, revealing a blue bikini. He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that’d he never been this close to a girl in a bikini, or the realization that his best friend had boobs, or the fact that he wasn’t expecting any of this, but suddenly, an unwanted feeling swept through his body.

Holding a towel in front of his swim shorts so that Astrid couldn’t see that he was getting, well, excited, Hiccup fought the urge to stare at her body. Being a teenage boy was tough, but being a teenage boy who was continuously trying to convince himself that he didn’t have feelings for his best friend, was even tougher. Ever since they’d kissed — “just for practice,” she’d said — he couldn’t get the idea of being with her out of his head. And now, he was thinking things he definitely shouldn’t have been thinking. Not about Astrid, anyway.

“Hiccup,” Astrid said sharply, snapping her fingers in front of his face. “Did you hear anything I just said?”

“Uh…” Hiccup rubbed the back of his neck.

“I said that I got my first bikini. My mom finally let me.”

“I can…I can see that.” He felt his cheeks grow warm.

“What? Why are you acting weird?”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Now take your shirt off so we can get in the water.” Astrid grabbed a bottle of sunscreen and began rubbing it onto her legs.

Swallowing hard, Hiccup looked away.

“Can you get my back for me?” Astrid asked as she finished lathering her body with the lotion.

With trembling fingers, Hiccup took the sunscreen from Astrid and, pouring some into his hand, sat on his beach chair and timidly began rubbing it onto her back as he silently wished for the bulge in his swim shorts to go down. Before Astrid turned back around, he quickly slipped out of his t-shirt and put it in his lap.

“Thanks. Want me to do yours now?”

“Uh…sure,” shrugged Hiccup, passing the sunscreen back to Astrid. An excited shiver ran down his spine at the feeling of her hands rubbing lotion onto his back.

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” Astrid asked as she finished.

“Yeah, I’m…I’m fine.” He took the sunscreen and began spreading it over his chest.

“Well, I’m gonna get in the water. I’ll meet you there.” Kicking off her flip-flops, Astrid shuffled through the sand and stepped into the ocean.

After finishing up with the sunscreen, Hiccup sat for a few moments to clear his thoughts before joining the blonde in the water. For a bit, he forgot about being attracted to Astrid as they swam together, just having fun as best friends. But then her smile, her laugh, the way she playfully splashed him, the water droplets that ran down the strip of bare skin between her boobs. He told himself it was just his because he was sixteen, his hormones were all over the place, and he was naturally curious about sex, albeit too chaste to hook up with anyone and try it.

But in the back of his mind he knew that he had feelings for her, and not just because he thought she looked incredibly hot in her new bikini.

…

“Mind if I borrow these?” Astrid asked, clutching her bath towel around her body with one hand and holding up a pair of Hiccup’s sweatpants with the other. “And a t-shirt, too?”

“Fine. But only because I don’t want you sleeping in my bed naked,” teased Hiccup. Grinning, he tossed her a t-shirt from his laundry pile.

Astrid wrinkled her nose as she swung the garment over her shoulder. “Eww, I don’t sleep naked. Ever. That’s gross.” Turning around, she shuffled back into Hiccup’s bathroom, but not before glancing over her shoulder and sticking her tongue out. “I’m gonna get dressed. I’ll be right back.”

A few moments later, the blonde re-emerged, clad in Hiccup’s clothes. Climbing onto his mattress, she snuggled into his side and tugged the covers to her chin. “Mmm, a hot shower and a warm bed always feel good after a day at the beach.”

Hiccup wrapped Astrid in a tight embrace. “Hey, you have a boyfriend, right?” he asked eventually.

“Yeah, sort of,” Astrid said slowly, narrowing her eyes. “I mean, we’re talking. You know that.”

“And we’re best friends, right?”

“Hiccup, I’m telling you, you’re being weird today.”

He paused. “Can I ask you something, as your best friend? Something, well, awkward?”

“Well, what is it?”

“Have you ever thought about, uh…um…well, sex?”

“I’d be lying if I said I haven’t, but I don’t think I’ll be trying it anytime soon. Not until college, anyway. But why are you asking? Are you trying to hook up with someone?”

“No, well, I don’t know. I’ve just been, uh…curious lately, but you know me. I’m too awkward to try anything like that with anyone, but I just thought that maybe, if you tried it, you’d be able to tell me how it is, like if it’s uh…if it’s awkward, or weird, or good, or worth trying. That’s all. But we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Astrid laughed. “Hiccup, I promise you that when the right time comes and I lose my virginity, you’ll be the first person I tell.”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” Hiccup said quickly. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I just…well…uh…never mind. Let’s just forget I ever brought this up.” He rolled over and, reaching for the nightstand, turned off his lamp.

“Hiccup,” Astrid began eventually.

“I said to just forget it,” Hiccup replied, his voice thick with embarrassment. “Now goodnight, Astrid.”

“Do you want me to go home?” suggested Astrid, propping herself up on her elbow. “I mean, we don’t have to do sleepovers every Friday night, and since you’re lying here being horny, or moody, or both,  maybe I should leave so you can jerk off or something.”

“Astrid!” Hiccup shouted. “I don’t…well, okay, maybe I have tried it once or twice. Okay, maybe more like once or twice a week, maybe a little more, but…”

“Hey, it’s okay. I do it, too. I get it.” She climbed out of bed.

“Astrid, wait. Don’t go home.”

“I’m gonna go downstairs and make a late night snack. You do your thing. I’ll be back whenever you’re done.” When she noticed his hesitation, she added, “Trust me, you’ll feel better after it.”

“Astrid, I —“

“Hiccup, listen. You’re my best friend. There’s nothing we can’t talk about. Now take care of yourself and do what you gotta do.” Bending down, Astrid pressed a quick kiss against his cheek before leaving the room, swinging the door closed behind her. She and Hiccup didn’t kiss each other often, but they weren’t shy about giving chaste cheek kisses at times when they needed each other the most.

Hiccup breathed a sigh, half of relief, and half of guilt. Part of him was happy that Astrid didn’t think less of him for being, well, horny. But part of him still felt guilty that she would be the one he’d be thinking about as he pleasured himself. After all, she was his best friend. She trusted him. And she most certainly wasn’t thinking about him the way he was thinking about her.

But what he didn’t know was that she was thinking about him the same way, although perhaps it hadn’t quite clicked with her yet. And what he didn’t know was that in a few years, they’d both have sex for the first time — with each other. And just a few mornings after that, they’d confess their feelings and he’d give her a promise ring. And a little more than a year after that, he’d marry her. But the possibility of any of that didn’t cross his mind. 

For now, the only thing that he could think of was Astrid in her blue bikini.

[kenzieam]

Not You - Chapter One

@jewels2876​​​​​​  @moonbeambucky​​​​​  @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​​​​​​  @iammarylastar​​​​​​@captstefanbrandt​​​​​​  @badassbaker​​​​​​  @pinknerdpanda​​​​​​  

I know I’m forgetting people, sorry. If you want in, hit me.

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Rating: M

Warnings: Language, general nuttiness, smut, major angst, drama, potential infidelity

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FEEDBACK IS LIFE, Y’ALL

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So... I know I should be finishing my old stories...

But I’m not, lol. I keep getting new ideas.

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In this one, Bucky finds his dream woman, the one who takes his breath away but what if she’s already taken? What’s more important, your own happiness or the happiness of others, namely your friends? And, if you have to steal it, was it yours to begin with??

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Bucky turned away from the sink, nearly dropping the glass in his hand as his heart exploded into a frantic, startled tattoo.

The girl met his eyes shyly, looking quickly away and Bucky swallowed hard, hearing his pulse hammering in his veins. “Can I help you?” He asked, voice raspy. Christ, in all the time he’d been tending bar he’d never been so simply struck by someone before.

“Um, may I have a white wine, please?” Her voice was soft and cultured, sounding faintly European in the way she pronounced her consonants.

“New around here?” He inquired, if simply to keep from gaping at her simple perfection.

She gave him a guarded smile. “I guess so. I’m supposed to be meeting an… old friend, but there was a mix-up with flights.”

Bucky poured her drink, waved off her money. “On the house,” he pronounced and, this being the fourth double shift he’d worked this week as a favour to his boss and a co-worker with a family emergency, they’d better not squawk going over the receipts later.

“Thank you.” She murmured demurely, lids fluttering closed as she took a sip.

Bucky glanced across the bar, there was no one needing his immediate attention and the siren song of this woman was too strong to ignore. “I’m James.” Somehow his nickname wouldn’t fit the moment, he thought as he extended his hand to her.

She smiled softly, still shy. “Valentina.” She offered after a faint pause, reaching up and taking his hand, he felt her softness against his callouses, a faint tingle where they touched.

Bucky opened his mouth to continue, to ask her more questions about herself, an ember of attraction beginning to glow brightly in his chest. Did she feel it too?

“Hey!” One of the waitresses, Teagan, bellowed from down the bar. “I need four beers!”

It was on the tip of Bucky’s tongue to tell her to come around and grab them herself, but Teagan was a brat who’d either make a mess or take a bottle for herself if he didn’t watch her. Why the boss hadn’t skidded her by now was anyone’s guess, but Bucky imagined it involved a good oral game. At least she’d propositioned him at least once and he’d said hell no.

With an apologetic glance Bucky turned away, quickly filling Teagan’s order but then a crush of orders came in from individuals bellying up to the bar and he was tied up for far longer than he wanted. Finally, he had time and stepped in front of her, noting her empty glass. Valentina was texting, frowning at her screen. She glanced up and startled, an unguarded smile lighting up her face and making Bucky’s heart stutter anew.

“Another?” He managed to ask, voice cracking. Jesus, he’d never been so simply taken by a woman before and he’d spent enough time as a bartender to read her body language too. The feeling was definitely mutual.

“I’ll just have a water, please. My… friend will be done work soon; I should get going.”

Faint panic gripped Bucky’s heart but he made himself pour a water like a sane person. “I, um….” He licked his lips.

“I need an order!” The other waitress, a cougar named Lola, yelled. She would never go behind the bar, preferring to trying to chat up the nearest guy while she waited for Bucky.

Shit. He needed more time.

“I… can I have your number?” He blurted, feeling like a thousand different kinds of fool, mainly a lovestruck one.

Surprise flitted across the girl’s face, then a tentative smile. “I shouldn’t…”

“Please?”

“Hey!” Both Teagan and Lola were there now, hands on jutted-out hips.

“Just give me a minute.” Bucky pleaded, turning away from Valentina and rushing over, mixing drinks like a madman, throwing furious glances at the waitresses, who snapped gum and stared vapidly at his manic movements.

Finally, he thrust the last glass at Teagan then turned back to Valentina, an apology dying on his lips.

She wasn’t there.

He’d missed his chance.

Fuck.

********************************************************************************

Her skin was unbelievably soft, her scent a heady mix that made his pulse race and nestled deep in his soul. His body responded to her readily, heart hammering in his chest as he caressed her shoulder, pulled her down to meet his greedy lips. She moaned and writhed against him, grinding her core against his painfully hard cock.

Peeling off her shirt he kissed first one breast than the other, slowing down to lav attention to each when she moaned again, fingers clawing through his hair to hold him close.

“More, god Bucky-” she whimpered, tugging almost painfully at his locks.

“Fuck-” drawing out the curse, morphing it with a groan of need, Bucky rolled, pinning Valentina beneath him. Grinding his hips to hers he reveled in her gasp, her stuttered hitching breath.

He couldn’t wait any longer, pulling at her panties, a feral growl spilling from his lips when she matched him, yanking at his jeans, pushing them down over his ass just enough to free his cock and then he was pushing inside her, into her sweet heat and fighting off his rushing climax at the ecstasy found there.

“God, baby-” he gasped, hips thrusting helplessly, hopelessly caught in sensations and pleasure. Never before had he felt such bliss, been so ensnared in the web of a woman.

Valentina moaned, arching up to pull him deeper, legs wrapping around his hips, tangling with his jeans still bunched there; her voice broke as she whimpered his name, clawing at his face to pull him down to her mouth again, her desperate kiss stealing his breath with it’s intensity.

He could feel his orgasm rising dangerously fast, but he didn’t care, couldn’t and wouldn’t stop such a freight train of heavenly sensations, he only wanted Valentina to crash into the abyss with him.

And then she tensed, walls tightening around him as her own climax hit, crying out his name and dragging him right down with her. With a roar he surrendered, giving into his release with a shudder, face twisting as his cock throbbed almost painfully inside her, spilling his seed in thick pulses-

Bucky startled awake with a gasp, hand still gripping his shaft, the waves of his powerful orgasm still crashing over him and, even as the shudders of pleasure skated across his skin and through his body he winced, feeling a thick, creamy mess pooling on his belly.

Jesus Christ.

He hadn’t had a fucking wet dream in years, and yet ten minutes contact over a bar-top with a beautiful stranger had him spilling in his sleep like a teenager.

Groaning, he glanced down at himself then cursed. Fuck, he had laundry to do now too, he hadn’t shot so huge a load in a long time; fuck, this woman had him all sorts of tangled up.

And all he had was her first name. Not even a goddamn phone number.

Still grumbling, still wincing and cursing himself, Bucky rolled from the bed, used the already soiled sheet to wipe his belly clean then pulled them from the bed and piling them in the corner to launder later, storming nude to the bathroom he and Steve shared in their two-bedroom apartment, not caring whether his oldest friend got an eyeful or not.

Only once the water grew cold from the scalding he’d set it at did Bucky emerge, toweling off and striding back to his room to pull on sweats and grab a coffee. Steve had set some brewing before leaving for his morning run and Bucky needed a hit of caffeine like he needed air.

He’d just taken a sip when the front door opened and Steve walked in, glistening with sweat and still breathing hard.

“Morning,” Bucky grunted.

“Hey, Buck. How’s your morning?”

Trust me punk, you don’t want to know. “Fine.”

“Got to sleep in at least, that your last double shift for a while? What was that anyway, four in a row?” Steve moved past him, pouring an ice water from the fridge, and swallowing half the glass in one go.

Bucky grunted in answer, but Steve had always been the more loquacious of their duo.

“Work tonight?” Steve continued, reaching for a box of cereal.

“Nah, night off.”

“Good, Sam wants us to come over. His girlfriend’s moved back, and he wants us to meet her.”

Bucky frowned, trying to remember. While he was friends with Sam, it was Steve who worked with him and was the closer of the two. Then he remembered, she’d grown up with Sam, gone all through grade school with him, just like him and Steve, and they’d been roommates all through university, also like him and Steve. Apparently, they’d started dating after graduation and, when she’d been offered a special project in Europe almost two years ago, they’d gone long-distance, her moving across the ocean and Sam moving here, becoming immediate friends with Steve when they started working at the same job together.

“What’s her name again?” Bucky asked, not really caring. His mind was still stuck on the mysterious Valentina, not on Sam’s girlfriend, whom he wouldn’t even know from a hole in the ground, he’d never even seen a picture of her before.

“Lev?” Steve replied, quirking a brow. “Something unique like that, yeah… Lev, Sam calls her Levi.” He pronounced it like ‘levee’, shrugging.

Bucky nodded absently, Valentina’s hypnotizing violet eyes holding his attention. God, she’d had the most beautiful eyes, slightly upturned at the corners, long and full lashes; and her hair, an auburn shade like he’d never encountered. Either natural or the best damn dye job he’d ever seen, she’d stood out from the crowd with her looks alone, not even counting the magnetism and aura she gave off…. Christ, he was in trouble.

“You there?” Steve’s amused voice broke in, his punch harmlessly bouncing off Bucky’s powerful shoulder.

“Huh?” Bucky rolled his shoulders, shrugging off the hit. He hadn’t had much of a chance to hit the gym this week, what with working so many doubles in a row, and he needed to go; blasting away all his frustrations and anger lifting weights and hammering at the heavy bags kept him level and calm, soothed the latent edginess of his soul, which had, upon reflection, gone strangely serene last night when he’d laid eyes on Valentina too.

“You’re a million miles away, jerk.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry. Just-” he broke off, wiping his mouth with his hand and shaking his head.

“A girl?” There was genuine interest in Steve’s voice; while he didn’t begrudge his oldest friend’s continued one-night stands, he’d always wanted Bucky to find someone to share himself with, someone to soothe the man’s seeming natural-born vulnerability and loneliness that not even close friendships could compensate for.

Bucky felt a thrill at the thought. Yes, this was about a girl. The first time he could honestly say that. His reddening face answered before his mouth could and Steve hooted, slapping him on the same shoulder he’d just punched.

“Really?” The blonde’s eyes were sparkling. “Tell me.” He snagged the milk from the fridge and poured some over his cereal, overfilling it in a way that always made Bucky nervous. The man’s milk to cereal ratio was whack.

Bucky hesitated, struck with the sudden incongruous thought that speaking her name aloud would somehow puncture the spell, convince the universe to rip her away, make her all a figment of Bucky’s imagination.

“Her name’s Valentina.” He couldn’t help a quirk of his lips when Steve let out a girlish squeak and clapped his hands, as if this were the best news he’d heard in years.

“And?” He prompted, leaning against the counter, picking up his bowl of cereal and lifting the spoon to his mouth, brow raised in question.

Bucky let out his breath in a rush, not able to hold it back anymore. “And she’s fucking perfect, man. I mean, I saw her, and it was like… fuck, I mean she just… grabbed me.”

“Like literally?” Steve grinned, milk dribbling off his chin when he gave Bucky a smartass grin.

Bucky rolled his eyes and continued. “No, but Steve…. Her eyes, Jesus, and her smile? I… I didn’t know what to do, it was like I’d just ran into a brick wall or something.”

“And her? What was she like? Was she hit too?”

Bucky nodded slowly, replaying her actions in his head. “Yeah, I think so.” A huge grin split his face and he was suddenly struck with the urge to throw his head back and roar.

“What’d she say? Did you guys talk?”

Bucky shrugged. “We didn’t get much of a chance, I had Teagan and Lola last night-” he threw Steve a look because Steve knew as well as Bucky how useless both waitresses truly were.

“Bummer.”

“Yeah. I asked for her number but then got busy and… fuck man, when I turned back, she was gone.”

“Shitty.” Steve commented, shaking his head.

“I know.” Bucky felt a moment of real panic but forced himself to breathe.

“You want to skip Sam’s tonight? Go over there and see if she comes back?”

He was torn, he really was. Would she be back? For all their pretend animosity, Sam was a real friend to him though, and he hadn’t seen the smirking bastard in a few weeks, he needed to go. “Nah, I should go see Sam, it’s been awhile.”

Steve noticed his struggle and considered. “Chap working today?”

“Yeah,” Bucky replied.

“Ask him to keep an eye out. If she shows, he can give her your number. He owes you.”

He did. “Yeah…. Okay. I got a bunch of errands to run today anyway, I’ll stop by.”

“You want me to wait until you’re back to go to Sam’s?”

Bucky shrugged, they only lived a floor apart, Sam being one down from them, its not like Bucky would get lost, but he appreciated his friend’s consideration. “Yeah, thanks.”

“No problem. I got a few things to wrap up too, see you later?” Steve had finished his cereal and was already walking towards his bedroom. He and Steve had been roommates, in one apartment or another, for years but this was far and away the nicest, a pre-war building neither would be able to afford alone and, until a few months ago, Sam had been in the same boat, but his roomie, a quirky, somewhat eccentric kid named Tony, had left. It was good timing that his girlfriend was moving back now, almost fated.

“Later.” Bucky called, then forced his mind away from Valentina. He’d get nothing done today if he let her stay there.

*******************************************************************************

Later that night, Bucky followed Steve absently down the flight of stairs to Sam’s floor. He’d gotten all his errands done, convinced Chap to keep an eye out and had even had time to fantasize about Valentina in the shower, groaning her name in release as he’d stroked himself to completion, pulsing his thick seed onto his fingers and the shower floor. He’d leaned his head against the tiled wall, breathing heavily and wishing feverishly for the real thing before straightening with a growl and finishing his shower, body still aching with want.

Steve knocked and waited; usually they’d just knock once and head on it, but neither wanted to walk into something they didn’t want to see.

After a moment, the door was thrown open and Sam’s familiar face split into a huge grin. “Hey!” Always a happy, personable guy, there seemed to be an extra level in him tonight, no doubt finally having his girl back with him. “Sit down,” he pointed to their usual perches on the couch and armchair. “Lev will be right out.” He focused on Bucky. “How you been, man? It’s been a while. Steve says you’ve been pulling doubles down at the bar?”

“Yeah,” Bucky answered, leaning back in the chair, and getting more comfortable. “Chap’s mom fell down and banged herself up some, I took his shifts so he could go help her for a few days.”

“You’re too nice, man.” Sam grinned, shaking his head. “Steve said Teagan and Lola were there? Christ, what a pair.”

Bucky quirked his brow in agreement. “Yeah, it was special all right.”

“Sam?” A female voice called.

“Yeah, baby?” Sam leapt to his feet. “Lev’s pretty jet-lagged, she was sleeping most of the day.” He explained as he disappeared down the hallway. Quiet voices too low to make out floated back but Bucky caught something that sounded like ‘you look fine, baby girl, before Sam reappeared, his huge grin back. He glanced over his shoulder, pulling gently on someone’s hand, then turned back to his friends.

“Steve, Bucky, this is my girlfriend, Lev. Lev, this is Steve and that’s Bucky.” He pointed to each man in turn, but Bucky’s eyes were locked on Lev.

What the hell?

What kind of cosmic fucking joke was this??

Leaning into Sam’s side, nestled into his one-armed embrace but staring at Bucky with shock equal to his, was a heartbreakingly familiar face.

Valentina.

[fizzingwizard]

;______; just heard that from September we’re gonna have three students in our cluster who are under 1 year old... (5 in the school total)

aaahhh im exhausted just thinking about it

and whats crazy is in one of the classes with under 1 yos there is a kid who is between 1-2 yo and she cannot walk yet. We have been trying to help her learn and have begun wondering if there is some reason beyond her mother just didn’t really encourage her to walk before. (Like maybe she needs leg braces etc.) So far no news on that but this kid only drags her feet around, obviously she needs constant help, and there are 12 other kids in the class, two of whom are under 1 and three teachers, HOW are they supposed to do it???

and the class that will have three under 1s has two first year teachers in it, that makes me so nervous... They’re both awesome coworkers, this is no shade on them, but under 1s can be TOUGH, it’s SO easy for them to get hurt. idk it feels like an accident waiting to happen.

i’ve been at schools where 5 students was an entire class, if we’re gonna have this many under 1s we should just have a class for them, come on! I love them but they are twice the work of kids on year older than them.

Also the recommended teacher-student ration for 1-3 yos is 1:6, which we abide by, but I believe it’s actually 1:3 or 1:4 when the kids are belong 18/12 mos. Apparently the head office does not care.

These kids are not in my class, I currently teach 2-3s, however I am a long care teacher and I look after them during morning and after care. I do their nap and their snack and play time supervision etc. From 10-2 they’re part of their class, but the rest of the day they belong to all of us.

More work ranting under the cut because I guess I just need to vent to the air.

And we have a LOT of students now - two clusters of going on 30 in each, in very small classrooms where the teachers are expected to watch them like a hawk AND keep constantly busy with numerous tasks at the same time.

Plus our prep time has been cut down this year despite additional work getting put on us, and we have no extra help.

If one teacher is out sick, no one gets prep time.

Don’t remember if I whined about this before, but a month or so ago we had a meeting in which the leader said “If you find you don’t have enough prep time, that’s on you to manage your time better.” It was super condescending and annoying. I’m like, dude, my contract says I get 1 hour prep and 1 hour break. We never ever EVER get the full two hours (and I should mention this is never consecutive, it’s 15 min here, 30 min there, 1 full hour if you’re really lucky). It’s usually at most 1 hr 45. But a 30 min break is fine! I’d love to take a 30 min break. Almost never do. Way too busy.

Like, I won’t get into it, but the laundry list of Stuff To Do recently has been ENORMOUS. In my class, I have 19 students. One of my co-teachers is part time, meaning she’s not around to help during much of prep time, and the other is a leader meaning she’s constantly in meetings or doing leader assignments. They are both fantastic co-workers, but yeah, this means I do ALL the class stuff. I prepare all the crafts, I do a ton of the organizing, and I’m often the only teacher from my class available in the afternoons because part-time teacher went home and leader teacher is in a meeting. So I end up with a lot of the after care stuff.

We have to hand out these big projects that teachers are responsible for preparing for each student on 8/16. We know these are coming and prep for them as soon as possible, but like, I won’t get into this either lol, but it’s so hard. It’s time-consuming by itself, and made worse because all the school computers are crap (like takes-15-min-to-start, another 10 to open the browser, 5 to go to the website, then it freezes, then 5 more, another freeze, etc) and like you have 15 min break time hahahahaha.

I wanted to get such a head start that I just started doing what I could back in the beginning of the year but we lit can’t do the bulk of the work until a certain kind of envelope is delivered and that doesn’t come till summer for some stupid reason. Soooo our long prep days in April when there are no kids around... can we use those to prep for this project? Heck no!

Anyway. This year’s is due on 8/16. This coming week we are off for obon break. This year also, the company is doing the project slightly differently. Instead of staggering what class gives out their projects to their students when, we all have to do it at once. We are our company’s biggest school, sooo my honest thought is no one at the head office thought about us when they made this change. The other schools don’t have to stagger anyway, they have at most two classes. We have four.

So this means everyone is printing their projects at the same time. For one student, you need 10 sheets on A3 paper. For my class of 19, that is 190 sheets of paper. For four classes, we’re over 700 sheets total. THAT IS A LOT OF PAPER.

So I get to work this morning and boss says “Yeah so we’re out of A3 paper.”

!!!

IT’S DUE MONDAY.

There was a little bit left so I just charged and printed as much of my stuff as I could in the morning before anyone else could. Then, miraculously, another packet of A3 paper appeared out of nowhere, and we were able to print most of the rest of our students’ projects. (My coworker who is a leader has not printed hers yet because she is super busy and isn’t finished. Again, she’s an awesome coworker, I wish I could have helped her more, but uh, I’m also swamped and not taking breaks, so. Hopefully she can do it before we really do run out of A3 paper.)

Getting more paper is no big deal, it’s just that no one has the time, and this is due Monday.

So I was super stressed. Sooooo super stressed for such a dumbbbb reason. And I don’t understand why these projects have to go out on Monday anyway. Some kids don’t even come to school on Mondays. Like. Just make sure they get them next week, isn’t that good enough?? Why make us stress and panic.

Everyone else seemed fine though, I was the only one tearing my hair out because I’m the type who finishes everything a day early so I have a day to check it over... I am not spontaneous and I hate to rush...

I lit told my coworkers, because regardless of the paper situation we are still behind because we have not had any time to organize the projects, that I will just stay late tomorrow to do it. It’s the Friday before a break so I don’t mind too much. I am really tired tho and would of course rather just go home and sleep but. I’ve done this before. Finishing up this project will take 1.5 hours - 2 hours at the current state it’s in, IF I can just sit down and do it uninterrupted. (Have I mentioned these projects are HEAVY?? And there’s 19 of them?? It’s a big job just to take them out and start putting them together >.<)

So tomorrow evening that is what I will likely be doing -.-;

There are INNUMERABLE other STUPID parts of this project - the idea behind it is great, but the way we are required to make it is absolutely bonkers and desperately needs a revamp but does anyone listen to a preschool teacher? heck no lol

uggh.

I feel better after venting tho.

I like my job, I just wish humans in general gave a shit, not even about quality of life (since obvs that’s expecting too much lol, also as a person with privilege I’m aware I’ve already got it pretty darn good), but just about not making jobs that are ridiculous. Just plan them out better, sheesh. There’s no reason for all this running around. The projects don’t need to be printed. Or they don’t need to be so huge. They don’t need all this fuss and nonsense. They are a good idea, but we could do them in a way that would be sooo much less stressful.

(The funniest part of all being, it’s a project for the parents mainly, and the parents... don’t like it x’D No they really don’t. They are happy to have the project, but first they’ve got to get it home, and it is HUGE and HEAVY and UNWIELDY lmao. And some of them are carrying twin 2 year olds and both of their futons home as well, and we’re like “here you go, two giant projects for you to take home!” And the parents are like “thanks????”)

[chickensarentcheap]

Sanctuary -Chapter 24

Warnings: mentions of depression, death, grief, sad Tyler, a tad of smut

Tagging: @thunderintheshadows  (although you read this already over on Ao3 lol), @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @innerpaperexpertcloud

The meeting is scheduled for one pm. Held in one of the hotel's smaller conference rooms; Nik hosting from Colorado through a secure satellite feed arranged by the FBI. At Esme's insistence, she'd sought out Mark's help, who in turn, had agreed to lend his assistance as long as it was kept strictly 'off the books'.  Neither Tyler or Yaz made aware; a need to know situation that Nik was certain they didn't need to know. Not at this particular time, anyway. She'd also managed to convince the hotel management that the team -she'd spun a story about them providing private security for some of Ireland's elite- needed a meeting room for 'strategic purposes', and a hefty money transfer had been sent to them to ensure both their cooperation and their silence.

Yaz arrives last; arms and hands loaded down with bags of food and drink for lunch, along with his laptop and iPad.

“You went back to that coffee shop, didn't you,”  Tyler grins, recognizing the logo emblazoned on the front of one of the paper bags. “Was she there? Did you see her? Did you talk to her?”

Esme sits alongside of him, their thighs touching under the table. The need for closeness...both physically and emotional...is overwhelming. On both their parts. As if something or someone was just waiting in the shadows to snatch them away from one another.   Bot are nervous. Anxious. All of the missing information, the complexities of the case, the uneasiness that comes with being in an unfamiliar place and not knowing exactly who your enemy is. All mixing together to create a brutal and punishing force. All jobs come with their share of danger. With the unexpected twists and turns that jumped out at you without a moments notice. Always having to think three steps ahead of you; always wanting to ahead of your foes so you could take them by surprised, not vice versa. But this was different. The trouble had started before they ever set foot on Ireland soil.  Danger could be lurking around every corner; in every dark alleyway or doorway.  

She is feeling it more than the others. It's been almost six years since she'd last been on a job.  She had thought that that part of her life was behind her. More than content to give up the almost nomadic lifestyle in favour or a quieter existence. Quite enjoying the routine and the familiarity that comes with being a stay at home mother and a housewife. It sounds old fashioned; the solace found in taking care of a house, in cooking dinners and doing laundry and other various chores, in keeping a husband happy and satisfied, in spending time with her children and loving on them as much as humanely possible. But after years of never forming true bonds with anyone and never having a stable place to live while running from her demons,  being a spouse and a parent turned out to be exactly what she'd needed.  She'd needed normal. Or at least their version of normal.

At the mention of a girl, she glances away from her laptop, fingers hovering over the keys; in the midst of sending an instant message to Ovi. Both he and Chloe were in constant contact. Always letting her know what is going on at home. Whether it be sharing stories about what the kids were up to, asking questions about things like favourite foods and things that would provide comfort when the little ones were emotional over the realization that both their mom and dad are gone,  letting her know that things felt safe and secure and there had been no suspicious activity or threats. At least not yet.

“She was,” the grin that spreads across Yaz' face is enormous as he arranges the food and beverages in the middle of the table, then busies himself with setting up the tech needed to hold the meeting. They're running on Nik time, and her time -in her eyes- is extremely valuable and she expects others to recognize and abide by it.  “Her name is Anna,” he says. “Anna O'Brian.”

“Oh how adorably Irish,” Esme quips. “Is she legal? Did you ask to see her driver's licences this time?”

Tyler gives an amused smirk.

“You're getting just as bad as he is,” Yaz complains, nodding in the other man's direction. “He's rubbing of on you.”

“She likes when I rub one off on her,” Tyler says, and then winces when his wife grabs a hold of what little excess fat he has above his hip and pinches as hard as she can.

“What?” he asks innocently.  And when she huffs in disgusts and turns her attention back to the laptop, he playfully nudges her in the ribs with his elbow.

“You're disgusting,” she replies. “I can't believe you even said that.”

Yet at the same time, she can recognize the remarkable transformation -one of many- that he's gone through over the past five and a half years.  He's no longer on guard twenty four seven; he's able to relax and actually live in the moment. No longer constantly haunted by the horrible decisions of the past.  Comfortable enough in his own skin...his new skin...to not only let others in, but to be like everyone else.  Sarcastic,  humorous, finally content in his own skin.  Yet when it's time for the seriousness of a situation to kick in, he will be back to all business.

He'll be the old Tyler again. A transformation so quick and subtle that its as if the new one never even existed.

“I read it's supposed to be good for the skin,” he reasons. “It's probably why you look as young as you do. Like a natural moisturizer.”

“You've got serious issues,” she huffs, and then yelps when he grabs a hold of the back of her knee, squeezing lightly and the proceeding to tickle her mercilessly. “Stop it!” she orders in between the laughing and the hiccups that soon make an appearance. “What is wrong with you? Tyler! For fuck sakes! You're going to make me pee myself!”

“You too make me sick,” Yaz declares, when Tyler finally relents; smiling and winking at her, running a hand over her hair and then pressing a kiss to her temple.  “It's gross. The way you two are. All happy and in love and shit. It's been almost six years. Shouldn't you hate each other by now? Isn't this when things go south and you just stay together for the kids?”

“Oh there's days,” Esme says. “Where he is walking a very thin line. Believe me. He's too scared of me to push things too far.”

Tyler nods in agreement. She holds all the power.  It doesn't matter that he's a foot taller or ninety pounds heavier.  He knows when to just shut up and tow the line.  “Then she gets over it when I hate fuck her,” he grins. “She's  relatively harmless after that.”

She sighs in exasperation. “So who's this girl, Yaz?” she asks, as she returns to composing her message to Ovi.  “Waitress? Bartender? Stripper?”

“Speaking of strippers,” Yaz grins. “Tyler...remember that red head in Russia. The one that kept rubbing her massive...”  he gestures to his own chest, mimicking breasts. “...in your face.”

“Oh my god I do not need to hear this!” Esme makes a dramatic gagging noise and places her hands over her ears. “I want to remain oblivious to what he was up to before I met him. Those days didn't exist! I want to pretend they never happened!”

“She had a massive girl boner for your man. She did these things for free. She probably would have given him money for letting her.”

“Yaz...” her eyes are narrow as she glares at him. “...I will punch you in the throat, I swear to God.”

“You remind me of her,” he continues. “With the new hair. Only your boobs are real.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Tyler frowns, and smacks the younger man upside the head as he gets up to grab food. “Don't talk about my wife's body like that. Don't cross that line, mate. Don't make things weird.”

“My knight in shining armour,” Esme grins.

“Slightly tarnished and dented armour,” Yaz suggests to her “You like that one? Give me that one. Are you impressed by me?”

“I'll both accept it and allow it,” she nods. “I'm going to write that one down so when I get down to writing my book entitled 'Shit Yaz Says', I can include it. So who is she? This girl? Don't leave me out of the loop.”

“A waitress. At a place we went to the other day. She gave me her phone number and I wanted to go in and apologize for not calling her yet. I even brought her flowers.”

“Nicely done,” Tyler nods his approval.  “You've been taking notes.”

“We're going for drinks tonight,” Yaz excitedly bounces up and down on his heels, like a little kid that just found out the Tooth Fairy now gives out twenties for a molar.

“Drinks?” Esme arches an eyebrow. “So that's what kids call it these days. Just call it what Tyler does. Studying.”

“For the record, I did not start that shit,” he places two plates of food on the table and slides one towards her. It's weird in a way; how you get to know someone so well that you know exactly what they'll eat, and be appreciative of even the small gesture of getting it for them.  “I did not call it studying. Ovi said he and Chloe were studying.  I just took it from there.”

“Tyler is a huge fan of studying,” she continues, briefly pressing her shoulder into his when he sits down, giving him a smile of appreciation.  “He likes to study alone.”

“That is not what I said. I said if I have to study alone, I will. Not that I enjoy it. Just that it needs to be done sometimes. What are you supposed to do when your study partner gets a lot of headaches or doesn't feel well?”

“Excuse you, but when was the last time you heard any of those excuses from me? Months. Declan was still a tiny little thing.”

“You two are both fucked,” Yaz declares, and then adjusts the blinds covering the window; so there isn't too much sun streaming into the room and preventing them from seeing the smart board that Nik will appear on.  “T minus six minutes. You guys ready for this shit? It's going to get weird, isn't it. Even more weird than it already is.”

“I have been eating at the buffet of strange all day,” Esme declares, then fills him on everything that has taken place since she'd opened up her eyes first thing in the morning. The strangers outside the hotel room; the nervous shuffling of feet and harsh whispers.  How'd she attempted to glimpse a glimpse of them but had been just a few seconds too late. About the housekeeper insisting that no one was staying in the room that Esme had seen...with her own two eyes...the couple emerge from.

“Hmmm...” Yaz says in response to that piece of information, then looks at Tyler from across the table. Pointed stares. Tyler's eyebrows shooting up. So much communicated between them without even needing to use words.

She launches into what she knows about the Buckman family; no hands on knowledge, but history with colleagues that had gone toe to toe with them and had somehow managed to survive.

“They're not a family you want to fuck with,” she says, as she sips from a bottle of water.  “This is Amir Asif on steroids. I'm not even joking. If you thought Dhaka went to shit, this has the chance to be a hundred times worse. If this blows up in our faces, it's going to be damn near impossible to get those kids out. Not when it's just one person doing the heavy lifting.”

“You think we need more help?” Yaz asks, and when she shrugs, he addresses Tyler.  “You think you need more help? You're the one actually going in.  How are you feeling about the chances? Or being able to get both of them? Two kids plus yourself? Do you think you can get all three of you out?”

“I'm fine with it,” Tyler replies. “I'll be okay. I can handle it.”

“Realistically what's the chances?” Yaz inquires. “That you can successfully get two kids out at once and go up against anyone coming at you? It isn't going to be as easy as just walking in there and grabbing them and taking off. There's going to be resistance. Big time. You think you can handle two kids plus all the other shit being thrown at you?”

“I think you need to let me worry about all of that and let me do my job.  How many extractions have I done? Tons.  Yet you think I'm some kind of rookie just walking in there blind? I know what I'm doing. I can handle getting two kids out.”

“And yourself?” Esme speaks up, not looking away from her laptop.

“We're not talking about that right now. This is about the kids.”

“Your life is just as important,” she gently argues. “Whether you think it is or not.”

“The job is a success if the kids get out,” he counters. “It doesn't matter if I do or not.”

“It matters to me. And to your kids.”

“Maybe we need an extra set of hands,” Yaz suggests. “Someone watching your back.”

“I don't need someone going in with me. What I need is people leaving me alone to do my job. I work better alone. I'll get the kids out. No matter what it takes. That's all that matters. Getting to them and getting the fuck out of there. I've done this before, remember? Have either of you gone in and done the bloody stuff?”

“That's not the point,” Esme says. “How many extractions have you done where you've had two people to get out?”

“None,” he admits.

“Exactly,” she huffs. “What harm does having back up do?”

“It's messy enough with just one person. I don't need someone all up in my ass questioning everything I do. I work alone. I've always worked alone.  So just let me go in and do what I have to do. I'll have it under control. You need to trust me.”

“Two kids, two people,” Yaz reasons. “Would make it a hell of a lot easier.”

“Neither of you are listening to what I'm saying. I run this part of things. I call the shots. Not you. And not you,” he gives Esme's thigh a squeeze under the table. “You have to just back off and let me do what I do.  You want things to run smooth? Or as smooth as they can? Then keep other people out of the way. That's all I ask. Please...” he presses a kiss to her temple. “...trust me. Just trust me.”

“Fine,” she relents.  “But I don't like this. I don't like any of this. Two kids plus yourself? While trying to out run and out gun whoever is going to try and stop you? There's no Saju busting his ass to clear a path. There's no Nik and the team providing tactical support. There's no  G to act as a sniper like he did in Dhaka.”

“You were a sniper,” Yaz points out. “In the corps.”

“I was not a sniper. I merely acted as one from time to time.”

“But you still did it,” Tyler says. “When you had to.”

“Oh hell no. You two are not putting this on me. I came here to help with intel. That's it. That is as far as I'm going. You two are not dragging me down into some fucked up rabbit hole because one of you is too stubborn to ask for outside help and the other just puts his tail between his legs and agrees to whatever the first  one says. No. I'm not doing this. I won't do it.”

“You've got the experience,” Yaz continues. “And I trust you. Tyler trusts you.  You can handle it. And we don't have to drag more people into this. Your intel stuff will be down by then, right? So why not stick around and help out? Better than bringing in outsiders, don't you think?”

“And you agree with this?” Esme address her husband. “You think this is a good idea? Getting me even more involved in this than I already am?”

“I trust you,” he says.  “If there's anyone I want having my back...”

“This is fucked!” she cries. “You're both insane. What in the actual hell is wrong with the two of you? Where did all the common sense go? Both of you used to have tons of it and now it's just gone. It's disappeared.  How does any of this make sense? How do I go from being the intel person to suddenly being tactical back up? Explain to me where this all went wrong.”

“You don't have to actually go in,” Tyler explains. “Just be there. Like G was in Dhaka when I went to see Ovi's captors.”

“Just be there in case you're needed,” Yaz adds. “You know this is going to go to shit. They're going to have a lot of fire power. And Tyler can't get those two kids and himself out of there and be one hundred percent effective when engaging. It's impossible. Not with two little kids tagging along. Just hang out. Find a nice high perch somewhere. Wait and see if you're needed.”

“This is crazy,” she runs her hands over her face. “This is just all so crazy. What are the chances of any of us actually surviving this?”

“Did you make it out of Dhaka?” Tyler inquires. “Did I not find a way to keep you alive? To get you across the bridge?”

“That's not the same thing and you know it.”

“I'll get you out of this too, ” he says. “I promise.”

****

“Talk to me,” Nik says in trademark fashion.  “Who has information?”

“Esme knows the Buckmans. ” Yaz speaks up, and his sister arches a quizzical -yet extremely interested-  eyebrow.

“I don't know them. I know of them. There's a huge difference.”

“What do you know?” Nik asks.

“I only what I've heard through the grapevine. In the circles that I travelled in. Word gets around. Especially about families like that. The old man was killed ten years ago. Everyone suspected it was a hit, but no one every really knew for sure. It was all hearsay. Water cooler chatter.  And I saw his file. His rap sheet was enormous. There were charges on there that should have had him rotting away in jail. Yet he always found a way out of and around things.”

“Are they dangerous?”

“They were back then. When the old guy was running things. I've been out of this for five years, Nik. I'm not exactly up on all the gossip. They were powerful. Probably the most powerful crime family out there. But they were quiet about it. Always flying under the radar. But people knew about them and people feared them and that was enough. They had access to all kinds of shit. Money can buy you a lot of toys. Extremely dangerous and scary ones. So if the daughter really is running the show...”

“She has the same kind of resources and money available to her,” Nik concludes.  

“And the pictures,” Esme taps her fingernails on one hand against the tabletop as she speaks, using the other hand to bring up the photos of Heather Buckman on the laptop. “The ones someone gave to Tyler. The ones with the kids are very real. There's no doubt about that. You can't fake that kind of terror in someone's eyes. Especially kids. But the wife? Those are not real, Nik. It gets more and more obvious every time I look at them. First of all, it makes no sense to keep mother and kids in two different spots. That's two separate places you have to constantly man and monitor. Second, she's only been given a minor working over.  Nothing like the kids. The hair was a nice touch, but it was too much.  Too much effort into trying to make something look real.”

“Any way of figuring out where she or the kids are being held?”

“Based just on those pictures? No. There's thousands of places that could look just what it's in the photos. Without actually narrowing down locations, it's impossible. What's the chances of going into McMann's house?”

“I can get you into anywhere you feel the need to be,” Nik confidently declares. “What are you thinking?”

“I'm not even sure to be honest. But maybe there's something there that can give us some sort of clue. It's a long shot. But...”

“I'll arrange it and contact you. In the meantime, I have a couple places for you to check out. I want you go in and ask some questions. Tell them that you're a journalist from over the pond that received an anonymous tip that there's trouble brewing between the IRA and a New Zealand crime family. That should be enough to loosen some lips. Charm them. Get them to warm up to you. Flirt with them if you have to. Pull out all the stops. I don't care how far you have to go to get information. Just get it. I'm sending the address to your SAT. It's a bar in downtown Belfast. Owned by an active IRA member.”

“She's not going alone.” Tyler speaks up. “No way. Not into something like that.”

“You tag along but you stay outside,” Nik says. “I don't want you in there. They'll recognize you when they see you and we can't have the two of you being connected in any way.  Stay across the street. Or somewhere they won't spot you. But no more than a hundred yards away. Make sure you're armed. Just in case.”

“She should be armed too,” he suggests.

“They'll make her for sure. We can't take that chance. She goes in alone and does what she needs to do. You stay outside and keep an eye on things. You only go in if things go to shit and you have no other choice. Understand me?”

He nods.

“I have someone coming to meet you. He'll be there between six and nine pm, you're time. He's from Dublin. He's reliable. He's bringing you some more ammo and some weapons. He's on the up and up. You can trust him. Have you talked to McMann? Does he know that you're onto him?”

“I'm meeting with him tomorrow morning,” Tyler says.  “He wants to talk. See where we are at with things. To be honest, I want to fucking strangle him.”

“Well try not to. I know you're pissed. And I understand it. But you should let him know. That you know everything he told you about his New Zealand extraction was a lie. Maybe if you lose it on him it will get him to talk. He knows more than he's letting on. Maybe seeing you pissed will scare some sense into him. Tell him everything. About the pictures. About the threats against your family. Lean on him and lean on him hard. As hard you can without physically hurting him.”

“I vote that Tyler at least gets to throw one punch,” Yaz pipes up. “To the throat. Nice and hard.”

Esme nods in agreement.

“Yaz,” his sister address him now. “I've got someone meeting up with you with some new technology. High tech. Ways that we can all communicate without it being noticeable. Ear wigs, bugs, things like that. Inconspicuous. The old radios won't cut it. Too noticeable. I'm sending you his information and you can reach out to him and arrange something.”

“Where are we at on this Erin girl?” Tyler inquires. “The one that showed up at my room.”

“I've done all the digging I can do,” Nik replies. “There is no Erin Ferguson in Belfast that matches her description. I don't know if Esme would have more luck.”

“I can try,” she offers. “But there's only so much I can do. Without facial recognition software and other high tech shit like that, my hands are pretty well tied. I can see if there's any security footage of her entering or leaving the hotel and maybe I'll get lucky with image search on google. But that's a big 'if', Nik.”

“See what you can do. I'm not expecting miracles.”

“How's things there?” Tyler asks.  

“There's been no sign of anything even remotely suspicious. No threats. Nothing. But I'm going to stay here and keep the detail I have. Ovi and Chloe are handling things. The kids are happy. Calm. Well, as calm as they can be. You know what you're kids are like. Calm doesn't exactly describe them well.  But they're fine. They miss you guys.  I didn't realize how much they look and act just like you, Tyler.  It's kind of unnerving. Scary even. You have some seriously strong genes.”

Esme nods in agreement, and he gives her a wink and a smile and takes her hand under the table.

“We've come up with a plan,” Yaz informs his sister. “When it comes to tactical support. For when it comes time for Tyler to get the kids out. It's going to be hard. Juggling two kids and fighting back. Because you just know the shit is going to hit the fan and they're going to come at him and they're going to come at him hard. With everything they've got.”

“What kind of plan?” Nik asks.

“Esme can do it. She has the experience. She can just find a place to watch and wait from.  If things don't go wrong, then that's all she'll have to do. Watch. If things do blow up...”

“And they will,” Esme speaks up. “Because if Dhaka as bad as it did, this is going to go a hundred times worse. And that's being fatalistic. That's being realistic. These people? They're capable of bad shit. Horribly bad shit. They make Amir Asif seem tame in comparison.  Dhaka was a shit show.  This is going be Dhaka on a massive dose of steroids.”

“But will you do it?” Nik asks.  “Can you do it? Because I think we all understand if you can't.”

Esme sighs, pushes her hair behind her ears.  “I can do it,” she confidently.  “I don't want to do it. But I will.  Only because it's Tyler.”

****

They make love. The drapes drawn across the window; rays of sunlight poking through the small gaps in the fabric. His hands on her hips as she straddles him; guiding every slow, deliberate movement. Sex has always been what they do. A coping mechanism. The most pure yet raw way of experiencing the deepest and most primal form of intimacy.   Driven out of need and desperation; fuelled by worry and stress and the fear that each time may be the last.  So many unknowns lying ahead of them. The future suddenly terrifying unstable.

When she comes undone -nails scrapping painfully down his chest, his name exploding from her lips- he gives her little time to recuperate. One strong arm wrapping around her waist and throwing her down onto her stomach, legs flat against the bed, a knee pushing her tights apart before settling himself between them. Pausing long enough to run the tip of his tongue all the way down the length of her spine; eliciting a whimper from her, her entire body trembling from both the new sensation and the aftermath of her powerful orgasm.  His hands running over her shoulders, fingertips grazing over her ribs and down to her hips, once more gripping them tightly as he pushes into her. The friction intense; the press of her body against the bed, the tightness of those barely spread legs, his hips sinking as far into her as they possibly can. A low, feral growl erupting from within his chest as he bottoms out inside of her.  Dropping his head, longer strands of hair brushing against her bare skin as his teeth nip at her shoulders and the back of her neck. Holding back as he revels in the sensation of being so deep inside of her, until her hand is lifting up and blindly grabbing at his hair; a clear indication for him to continue.  And he captures her hand in hers, holding her arm above her head, pinned to the mattress as he pulls out entirely and then slides back in with such force that it pushes her body up the body and causes her to cry out into the pillow underneath her.

His control is non existent. He'd felt it slipping away inside that conference room.  Everything was going to shit and he knew it.  The disaster was inevitable; looming on the horizon like some dark, threatening cloud that you can't possibly outrun.  Things have already gone so wrong. The worry and the fear are already overwhelming. The stress all consuming. And he is physically channels those emotions; using her body as a way to relieve some of the burden.  Bruising, painful thrusts that have her whimpering and crying out, his name repeatedly tumbling from her parched lips.  Her nails digging into his fingers with enough force to break the top layer of skin, her other hand grasping at the sheets below.  And he kneels above her, free hand sliding between her and the mattress, fingers pushing past her sopping lips to find her clit.  Slowly rubbing at it until the second orgasm hits; tears streaming down her face, his name being screamed loud enough for anyone in the hallway or adjacent rooms to here.  Continuing his ministrations until she's coming a third time; her eyes wide, delirious sounds escaping her. Fucking her until she can't quite possibly can't handle any more; both hands biting into her hips as he pushes his pelvis against her ass  and empties himself inside of her.  Sweat dripping from his brow, the droplets glistening on her bare skin.

Afterwards they rest.  Letting their bodies settle.  Their minds absorb -and fixate- on all of the information they'd be given early.  He lays on back,  a forearm over his eyes, a hand on Esme's hip as she naps on her side, ass tucked against his hip.  He hears her stir; the long, soft sigh that she releases, followed by her quiet, sleepy voice.

“Tyler?”

He switches positions, rolling over onto his side; front pressed tightly against her back. The hand that was on her hip now coming to rest on her shoulder; palm gliding all the way down her arm, fingertips passing over her wrist and down onto the top of her hand, then retreating and sliding back up again, until his hand settles on her ribs.  

“Yeah?” he asks, and presses a kiss to her shoulder.

“Are you okay? You seem...I don't know...different. Distant. Ever since the meeting with Nik.”

“I'm fine,” he assures her. “Just a lot on my mind.”

“Like?”

“Lots of things.  About us.  About you.”

“Bad things or...?”

“I'm just worried,” he admits.

“About?”

“You.”

She brings her arm across her body and places her hand over his, lacing their fingers together.

“I don’t want you going there,” he says.  “To that bar. Alone.”

“You’ll be outside. A hundred feet away.”

“Outside,” he stresses the word.  “You’ll be inside. Alone.”

“I’m only going in there to ask some questions,” she reasons. “See if I can’t lure them in. Get them to talk. Or send me in the direction of people who will. What do you think is going to happen?”

“They’re IRA,” he reminds her. “They’ll be armed. What if they make you?”

“They won’t. I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you?”

She sighs, slipping her hand out of his and then rolling over to face him. Their heads sharing the same pillow, the ends of their noses practically touching.

His hand moves to her thigh now, stroking it softly.  

“Remember in the elevator?” she asks. “When that kid was armed and I was freaking out? And you said you weren’t some rookie?”

He nods.

“Well neither am I. This isn’t the first time I’ll be doing this. I spent years going into worse places. Mingling. Being accepted. Getting people to open up to me. I’ve deal with some pretty scary, hard core people and not once did I ever get made. You need to trust me, Tyler.”

“I do trust you. You’re my wife.  I trust you with my kids, don’t I?”

“It’s not the same thing and you know it. I’m not talking about the trust that comes with sharing a life together. Sharing a bed. Sharing children. I’m talking about the trust that comes with the job.”

His brow furrows. “You’re not in the job. You never have been. And I don’t want you to be.”

“Then why am I here?” she challenges.

“Because I need your help.”

“Which means I’m in this. Whether you like it or not. You brought me into this, Tyler. I was more than happy to stay home and take care of a house and give you babies and raise those babies. That is what you wanted. You made that clear as soon as we got married. You wanted a housewife. You wanted someone to give you kids. You wanted a family. You wanted everything your mother was and then some. And I went with it. Because I knew it was what you needed. I knew you needed that normalcy. That if you were going to successfully balance the job and a regular life, that you needed things a certain way at home. And I’ve given you that. Or I’ve tried to, at least.”

“You have. You know you have. And you know how much I love you. How much I love my kids. How much I love our life. And you’re right. I did need all of that. I still do.”

“But I had a life before you. I had a life before all of this. Before marriage and kids.”

“I know.”

“And it bothers you to even think about. You hate thinking about what I was like before you. But this was my life, Tyler. Before you ever existed in it. I lied to people. I conned them. I made them trust me. Then I let other people…people like you…destroy them. And I was good at it. Damn good. Other mercenaries trusted me. So why don’t you?”

He regards her intently, drawing in a long, shaky breath, teeth grazing against his bottom lip. “Because it’s different.”

“How? And I’m not trying to be difficult. I’m genuinely curious. How is it different?”

“Because you weren’t married to any of them. I’m your husband. The father of your kids. They didn’t have any ties to you. I do.  I love you. And I don’t want anything happening to you.”

“You trusted me in Dhaka,” she points out.

“Dhaka was different.”

“How so?”

“Because it fucking was,” his last shred of patience finally snaps, and he hates himself for it.  How he doesn’t have a logical and sound explanation for why he feels the way he does. “Things were different then,” he attempts, and rolls over onto his back, running his hands over his face before sitting up and leaning back against the headboard. “We were different then.”

“We were just fucking then, you mean. Back then, I meant nothing to you. I was just some desperate and lonely girl. A warm body for you to occupy yourself with. It was easier for you that way.  To just let me do what I needed to do because I meant absolutely nothing to you. It wouldn’t have mattered back then if something happened to me.”

He gives a derisive snort and shakes his head, then reaches for a bottle of water on the nightstand. “That’s bullshit and you know it. You meant something. Even then. I don’t know what it was.  I can’t explain what I felt. I just know I felt it. I just know you meant something. Stop tying to fucking psychoanalyze me all the time. I know what I felt. About you. About what was happening. I shouldn’t have to explain it.”

“It was sex, Tyler. There’s nothing wrong with admitting it. That that’s all it was.”

“That’s not all it was.  Maybe it started out that way.  Maybe that’s all I wanted at first.  But it changed, okay? Some time in those five days. I don’t know when or how. Just that it did.  I knew I wanted more from you.  That we could have something fucking amazing if we actually tried.  If we trusted one another enough to try. And we were so close. So fucking close. To getting that. To getting to that boat and never looking back and just seeing where things took us.”

“Do you regret the path we had to take to get to where we are now?”

“I don’t regret anything. Do I sometimes wish things were different? That things didn’t go so wrong in Dhaka? I wish that all the time. That we just got across the bridge and got the fuck out of there. But we didn’t.   Things happened the way they did. We can’t go back and change that. Do I wish we could have had more time to get to know each other? Before we found out we were having a baby and decided to get married? Yeah. Sometimes I do wish that. Only because I think it would have been better for you.”

“Tyler, I have you. I have our kids. How much better do you think I need things to be?”

“I don’t mean better in that way. I mean…I don’t know…easier…” he swallows half the bottle of water, and she plucks it from his hand and finishes it before pushing herself up onto her knees and shuffling towards him.  “…don’t make me talk about these things. Please. Just don’t.”

“You’re doing fine,” she assures him, as she straddles his lap, a gentle smile on her lips as she pushes her fingers through his hair, nails scraping along his scalp before resting clasping her hands together at the nape of his neck. “What are you so scared of?”

“Nothing. I’m not scared of anything. I just don’t want to talk about shit like this. This isn’t me. You know that.”

“I think it is. Deep down. I think you need to talk about these things or you wouldn’t bring them up in the first place. Talk to me…” she pecks his lips, then rests her forehead against. “It’s okay…you can do this…you can be this way with me…you know that…”

He sighs, eyes closing as his palms run along her thighs, over her hips and up her back. Stopping briefly at her shoulders; fingers pressing into the flesh before his hands slide back down again, coming to rest of her sides.

“It’s okay…” she repeats. “Tyler…look at me…”

He opens his eyes. Brilliant blue locked on chocolate brown. And in that moment, Esme realizes that in almost six years, she’s never seen him like this. Not even when he was in the hospital fighting to not only heal, but to regain some sense of control over his life. Looking so confused and lost. Worried.

Vulnerable.

This big, strong and seemingly man for once wearing his heart on his sleeve.

“Tyler…you can say it. Whatever you need to say. You don’t have to do this. Keep things from me. Please. Just tell me. Talk to me.”

“Sometimes I think you hate me. For making things so hard on you.”

She blinks. “What?”

“For having to make the decisions you did. For having to give up your life. The job.  Everything changed when we met. Everything changed once things went to shit on that bridge. I changed. So did you. And you could have just walked away afterwards. But you didn’t.”

“Because I didn’t want to. Because I wanted to be with you. You didn’t force me to stay. I stayed willingly.”

“But things were hard. They sucked. Huge. You shouldn’t have had to see the things you did. Hear the things you did. You should have just left. When I was in the hospital. You should have just walked away. And sometimes I wonder if you wish you did.”

“Not once have I ever wished that. Not once have I ever hated you. I don’t regret giving up my life for you. Did it suck sometimes? Did I hate seeing you like that? Did I feel like shit because I couldn’t help you more than I already was? Did I hate seeing you in pain and suffering? Of course I did. I hated the circumstances. Not you.”

He nods slowly, eyes never leaving hers, searching for even the smallest hint of regret.

“Do I sometimes wish none of that ever happened? That things never went wrong in Dhaka? Of course I do. I wish every day that you didn’t have to go through what you did. That you didn’t have to suffer like you did. All those months of rehab and all the pain. I would take those away in a heartbeat and you know I would.  But everything else? Finding out we were having a baby? Deciding to get married? I don’t regret any of that.  I mean, you’re a pain in my ass…”

He gives a small chuckle.

“…but I don’t regret marrying you. Or having your children. And I’ve never hated you. Not even during our worst fights. When you’ve said some brutal and hurtful shit. Not even then. I love you. More than I ever thought I could love someone. And I meant what I said. That there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. But you need to trust me, Tyler. You wanted my help. You brought me into this. And now you have to trust me to do what I need to do. I know what I’m doing.”

“I can’t lose you,” his voice is barely above a whisper, those eyes still locked on hers. “I just can’t. You always talk about how scared you are to lose me. But I’m just as scared as you are. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t do this by myself. Take care of four kids. I just can’t.”

“Yes. You can. You would do it because you wouldn’t have any other choice.”

He shakes his head, finally turning his face away from her when the emotion becomes too much to handle. The rawness of the situation. The blatant, heart breaking honesty.

“You’re stronger and braver than you give yourself credit for,” she says, and presses a kiss to his temple.  “You’d be okay. And so would the kids.”

“I don’t…” the tears are hot and bitter as they trickle down his face.   “….can we not talk about this….please…I don’t want to talk about this…”

Placing a soft, tender kiss on his cheek, she lays on hand on the back of his head, encouraging him to rest it upon her shoulder.

“I don’t want to talk about this,” he whispers, and then clings to her, arms wrapped tightly around her slender body. “Please…” he begs, barely able to get the words out. “…don’t make me talk about this…”

She tightens her hold on him, one arm wrapped around his neck, the fingers of her other hand pressing into his scalp. “It’s okay,” she assures him.  “It’s okay, Tyler. I’ve got you.”

Those words hit with tremendous power.  And he surrenders. Finally giving in to all the fear and the worry.

His entire body shaking with the ferocity of his sobs.

[twoprettyboys]

Steve spoiling Billy with concert tickets BC he just lives him so much???? I think that would be cuute

I have done the most extensive research I've ever done for a fanfiction for this... I wanted to make sure to send them to a concert that actually happened, so I had to find tour dates and locations. I even went on ebay to try and find an original ticket from the show the boys are going to! And I did in fact find one - there's a picture under the 'fic.

Also, remember how I said I was going to write 500-1k words? Well. I couldn't stop myself so this is actually 1.3k words long, lol. I made it into a birthday 'fic (because I celebrated someone's birthday recently, so I was just in the mood for it). I hope you like it! ♡

damage - harringrove

Billy groaned while he walked up the stairs to the small apartment he and Steve bought a few months ago. It had been a really stressful day at work and all he wanted to do was sleep and ignore everyone for at least twelve years. He reached the door and stepped inside with a sigh after unlocking it. Then he paused and took a deep breath. Something smelled.. good.

Steve walked out into the hallway and pulled his boyfriend into a hug as soon as he'd shrugged off his jacket. "Hey, how was your day?" Billy only replied with a shake of his head and a quiet "Later," pressing a kiss to Steve's lips. Steve nodded in understanding, kissed him one more time and headed back to the kitchen with a smile.

Fifteen minutes later, Billy was standing in their bathroom, wrapping a towel around his waist. The shower really made him feel better and he felt ready to tell Steve about his day. Which he did - later, after dinner. They were cuddling on the couch, watching some TV show he didn't really care about. It was mostly just.. background noise.

Steve just pulled him closer and stroked his hair while he listened. Once Billy was done, Steve told him about his co-worker and her girlfriend (they had apparently just adopted a kitten and according to Steve, it was "the absolute cutest thing ever!") Some time later Steve let out a really loud yawn, and well.. He didn't want to keep Steve from his beauty sleep, so Billy decided it was time to turn off the TV and head to bed.

---

The next day started off great: Billy woke up before his alarm, got to admire his boyfriend's pretty face for a while and his favourite shirt was actually not in the laundry for once. And once Steve entered the kitchen (in his pajamas and only half awake) he hugged Billy super tight and whispered "Happy birthday, baby," into his ear.

Billy smiled at that and felt tears in his eyes. This was the first birthday he celebrated since he got out if his dad's house and knowing that just made him emotional. Steve noticed, but he didn't say anything. He just kissed Billy's forehead and smiled at him with literal heart eyes.

Billy would have liked to stay like that forever, but his wandering gaze passed the clock and he realized that he was almost running late. So he quickly said goodbye to Steve, put on his shoes and grabbed his coat. Then he grabbed his keys and left the apartment, ready to start another day at the auto repair shop.

After only half of his usual hours - he took half a day off today since it was his birthday and all - Billy pulled up in front of the apartment building they lived in. He got his stuff from the car and started the walk upstairs. "Hey baby, I'm home", Billy called out as soon as he entered the apartment. At the sound of his voice, Steve walked out into the hallway to greet him with a soft kiss.

He seemed.. a bit nervous. And then he opened his mouth to speak and said: "I got you something." Billy hadn't expected it, because honestly? Being here, in the apartment, where he could kiss Steve whenever he wanted, was actually enough for him - but then again, he was in a relationship with the Steve Harrington.

So he just smiled and lifted one eyebrow. "And.. are you going to give it to me?" Steve's face turned a little pink under his look, which he found absolutely adorable. Then, he gestured towards the living room. "You might want to sit down for this." Now Billy was definitely intrigued.

He followed Steve's instructions and went ahead, sitting down on their new couch. Steve rummaged around in one of their cabinets and produced an envelope before joining him. He held out the envelope to Billy and waited for him to take it. Then Steve put his right elbow on the table and rested his chin in his hand, just looking at Billy. Watching him open the present.

So.. Billy did. The first thing he saw and pulled out was a small piece of paper that had his name in Steve's handwriting on it (and a few hearts). He unfolded it and started reading.

"Billy.

Happy birthday, baby! I know you didn't expect me to buy you anything. But when I heard about this, I just.. had to. I know how badly you want to go, so I got them for you (okay, for both of us). I hope you like them - and yes, I really do want to go with you. I love you. Like, a lot.

-Steve"

When Billy was done, he had to wipe at his eyes for a moment - he wasn't crying, just.. close to it. Steve really hadn't really given anything away in the letter, so now Billy was actually excited for what he bought. But before he took the other things out of the envelope, he had to hug Steve.

"I love you too, baby.." Billy's words were mumbled against Steve's chest, but Steve understood them anyway. "I know, baby, I know." Steve patted his boyfriend's hair for a short while, letting himself enjoy how soft it was. After that, he carefully disentangled himself from Billy and told him to look at what else the envelope contained.

Billy nodded and turned his attention back to the table. He took a deep breath and pulled out two pieces of paper. They were white and blue, and when Billy saw the text that was written on them his eyes widened. "Oh my god. Oh my god. Steve.. You- You got me- us- tickets for fucking Metallica? In.. San Diego? ...Baby, you have no idea how much this means to me. I love you - you're fucking awesome. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!"

Billy was actually crying now - but they were happy tears. He carefully put the tickets down on the table, turned to Steve and tackled him into the couch cushions. He kissed him, hard, and tried to put all of his feelings into the kiss. Steve responded just as enthusiastically and smiled into it - knowing he made Billy happy always made him happy too.

When they broke apart (because like.. air), Billy buried his head into his boyfriend's shoulder. "This is the best birthday I've ever had." Steve laughed softly. "..And we didn't even get to the cake part yet! I'm glad you're happy, though."

---

They arrived in San Diego a week before the concert - Billy had insisted that Steve needed to get to know the city he grew up in a little. The hotel room was nice, and the weather was even better. Steve really liked it (and all the sight-seeing, of course). The week passed by faster than they had anticipated, and suddenly it was the night of the concert.

And that's how they found themselves waiting in front of the San Diego Sports Arena at seven in the evening. Billy was super excited and couldn't stand still for more than five seconds. Steve couldn't blame his boyfriend - he was about to see one of his favourite bands ever, after all. And if Steve had thought Billy waiting in line was.. a lot, well. What he got to see when they went inside the Arena was even more than that.

Steve thought the way Billy seemed to almost vibrate out of his skin was cute. He had never seen his boyfriend as content as he was at this concert. His eyes were sparkling with happiness and he just looked so.. free, singing along and dancing to every song. Billy was absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful and Steve was so in love.

fin

End Notes: The concert the boys went to was part of the "Damage, Inc." tour in 1986. It took place at the San Diego Sports Arena in San Diego, on the 10th of June. Metallica actually supported Ozzy Osbourne during this part of the tour - which I might have ignored for 'fic purposes, lol. Anyway, here's the picture of the ticket that I was talking about!

[violetclarity]

2019: Things I’m proud of

Thanks for tagging me @coriesocks! It was fun to do a little retrospective 😊

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2019. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

1. As Long As There’s Sun (Jeddy, 55k, E)

It starts like this: when James is fifteen, Teddy quits Auror training and leaves England. Ten years later, he shows up on James’s doorstep with a baby in his arms.

I started writing this story in September or October of 2018, and finally finished it in March of 2019. It’s not only the longest fic I’ve ever written, but the longest anything that’s made it to a stage where it’s edited and readable. (Not counting the first-drafts-that-were-never-revised I wrote in high school, lol.) I’m mad proud of it even though it hasn’t gotten a ton of ‘love,’ as they say. (Which is fair - it deals with some pretty serious topics that I understand are not everyone’s thing!)

2. The Quandum Quandary: Harry and Draco’s Month of Mayhem (Drarry, 34k, E)

McGonagall’s out to get Harry and Draco, with a laundry list of new duties for them now that Hogwarts’ contraceptive wards have fallen. Hermione’s been called in to fix them, but in the meantime Harry and Draco are patrolling the corridors, babysitting owl nests, and trawling for giant squid eggs in the Great Lake. Plus their pets, both rare Australian marsupials called Quandums, are having a baby together.

It would all be easier to handle if they weren’t still thinking about their casual physical relationship, which ended years ago.

Something more recent - my fic for Erised 2019, written entirely between the last week of October and the last week of November! I’m really pleased that I was able to realize the story I wanted to within the limited time frame, and also that I wrote something funny, a little silly, and exploring an area of the HP world I hadn’t written about before - magical creatures and magical theory :)

3. Single and Snacking in Phoenix, AZ (Ginsy, 25k, E)

In for a Knut, in for a Galleon, Ginny thought.

“It’s actually Pansy.” She looked down, not wanting to see Harry’s reaction. “Pansy Parkinson? From school?"

Harry sounded a little strangled. “Parkinson?"

Ginny lifted her chin. “Yes. I’m bringing Pansy Parkinson as my plus-one to your wedding.”

When she told her friends she was bringing a date to Harry and Luna’s wedding, Ginny had only wanted them to stop bothering her about her love life. Now she’s facing an entire weekend of pretending that Pansy Parkinson, her casual hook-up, is actually her girlfriend. What could possibly go wrong?

This fic is the longest f/f I’ve ever written, and it’s my first story where I was able to collaborate with an artist (I’m still heart-eyes over @keyflight790’s magical gif skills, tbh). It took a while for me to get the idea off the ground (I started a *lot* of other stories) but I’m so happy with how it turned out, the Ginny voice I was able to capture and the complex relationships the story dealt with, as well as the fact that I was able to write something for the HP WLW Big Bang. Which brings me to...

4. HP WLW Big Bang 2019 ( @hpwlwbigbang )

Possibly the thing I’m most proud of fandom-wise from 2019 is that @frnklymrshnkly and I realized our dream of running this fest! When we started talking about it at the end of 2018 we really didn’t know if anyone except the two of us would be interested in it, but we thought it was an important idea and decided to do it anyway. We were blown away to have such amazing participation, and so much excitement and support from the HP fandom as a whole 💜 Neither of us had run a Big Bang before but we figured it out, and I was soooo lucky to have such a great co-mod to do it with. I can’t wait for the 2020 fest!!!

5. 183,158 words for Get Your Words Out

I may not have reached my pledge this year (which I talked about more in-depth here), but this is still the most I’ve ever written in one year, and I don’t think I would have reached it if I hadn’t been signed up for GYWO - I probably would have burned out after I posted As Long As There’s Sun and never even gotten around to writing some of my later in 2020 stories like The Quandum Quandary, and what a shame that would have been! I’m not doing GYWO again in 2020 (although I will still be tracking my yearly word count), but I’m really proud of how much I wrote in 2019!

I’m tagging (if you’d like to join/haven’t already done it): @whiskyandwildflowers @frnklymrshnkly @carpemermaidtales @inevitabledrarry @fidgetyweirdo @ellenjanewrites​

[joonietonin]

Open Heart Book 1 Finale Rant:

Let me start by saying that this will probably be one of my last analytical posts for a while. That makes me a little sad but I'm also very grateful to all of you who read my posts and motivated me to keep on writing. Truly, I had the time of my life writing the analyses. Now, this post was getting too long so I chopped it off I two parts- this one which is a general recap and my comment on the chapter and another one which I will be posting later today which will be purely about Ethan and MC's relationship. So y'all are looking at a LOT of content to read, I'm apologizing before hand! Okay no more sad talk except the evident fact that today was Open Heart Book 1 finale. Which means we'll have to live without Ethan Ramsey and the squad for quite some time. But focusing on the better things today:

The finale was everything! I felt a wave of emotions as I played it. I felt joy, triumph, anger, passion and hope all at the same time. Let's talk about what happened. (My MC is female, pronouns: she/her) So, Declan (or should I say Dick-lan) Nash had quite a few tricks up his sleeve huh, getting Dr. Cyrus and Dr. Wen to wager for him, lol, he really underestimated MC and the team of people backing her up.

I think it was a group effort when it comes to saving MC's career where MC of course deserves maximum of the credit because of all the patients who testified (Willow, Remy, Jake and Annie for me) on her behalf- if she hadn't gone above and beyond for her patients they wouldn't have given such honest and positive statements on her behalf. So props to MC, first! Then, props to the amazing friends MC has.. Sienna, Elijah, Rafael, Jackie, Bryce.. I mean those guys are basically her support system. Without them hyping her up and motivating her, her case would've fallen flat. Also, we can't forget Ines and Zaid, they're polar opposites and have weird ways of showing their love for MC but they've always been there for her. (even Zaid lmao ikr he's a total softie at heart) And most importantly, her friends always stood up for her. So here's to MC's friends!

Next up, to Ethan Ramsey (the light of MC's/my life) who really did not disappoint when he said he wasn't out of tricks. This man really went above and beyond to get hold of Mrs. Martinez's son and show him how happy his mother was before she passed away. Even if Ethan wasn't your LI and was just your mentor, he kind of singlehandedly saved MC from the potential lawsuit. It shows how much he cares about her, romantically or otherwise. He thinks MC is one of the best doctors he has ever seen and he did everything in his power to make sure, MC could be the doctor she has always wanted to be. That man cares for MC and even though he won't say it explicitly, his actions do much more than his words ever could. Therefore, Ethan Jonah Ramsey, the light of my life, here's to you. The man who cares for MC beyond all words. Even when MC herself has accepted that Ethan won't be able to help her out, Ethan kept pushing himself to find some loophole so that he could help her. And he did exactly that. That's why, I stan one (1) man.😌🥂

Next up, of course, is my moody baby yet smol bean Aurora Emery. She had her own way of standing up for MC. Like she said, "That wasn't for you, MC. That was for me." Maybe her intentions were to stand up for herself but doing so, in the process, she stood up for MC and finally knocked some sense into Harper Emery. I think her whole rant to Harper is one of the major reasons why Harper voted for MC to stay. So thanks, Aurora. Here's looking forward to actually being friends with her... or more. *wink*

Last but not the least, we have *drumrolls please* Dr. Naveen Banerji, who is now miraculously cured by MC's brilliant epiphany and Ethan's genius mind. I kinda expected Naveen to enter at the last moment but when he actually did, I swear I squealed like a five year old as if I hadn't been reading all the theories all week round about him walking in at the last moment. Anyways, I love that old man with my whole damn heart. He's literally like a father to MC like he's to Ethan. A grandmentor, if you will. And just like MC saved his life, he in turn saved MC's life=career. We've reached a full circle, my friends. So here's to you Naveen, nay the force be with you. (Y'all see what I did there? No? Okay, why do I try to be funny...)

So, basically Landry is gone. FOR GOOD. I'm glad PB didn't force a redemption arc on us. While I'm happy that Landry brought Naveen down, I don't think that one action forgives all the terrible things he has done. So bye bye dirty Laundry, here's hoping I never see you again. Also YAY! AURORA IS OUR NEW ROOMMATE. Not confirmed yet, but y'all know she'll say yes. Sienna has a crush on Danny- YAS OTP. But I do realise that we'll probably have to pay diamonds to set them up next book. Elijah and Phoebe going strong- YAS ANOTHER OTP. Jackie finally admitting defeat that MC would probably win the competition - HELL YAS, now that was a good redemption arc. Overall, I'm very happy how the things turned out for MC's friends.

Now, like I said at the starting of the post, I'll talk about Ethan and MC in detail in my next post but to sum it up, Ethan and MC had mind-blowing sex one last time before they had to face the reality of their situation. Now, I don't necessarily think they're back to square one because let's be real, you clearly care about the other person, you've had sex with them and you kiss them like there's no tomorrow, you can't really expect for nothing to happen even in a professional setting. Like, I do respect MC and Ethan's commitment to their job but then I think they can find some time for themselves.. you know.. for talking.. and dating.. and doing other things. Also, MC's friends finding out about her and Ethan- THAT SCENE WAS EVERYTHING I EVER HOPED FOR. Also, Naveen choosing MC for the position in the diagnostics team was already foreshadowed but I swear that man is the biggest Ethan×MC shipper. He's here for the angst, the mutual pining and he's sure as hell gonna enjoy how long these two struggle before finally giving in. Anyways, I won't lie but even though I'm a little sad that MC and Ethan aren't (officially) a couple, (we all know they've been married for over a year now) I think it will be nice to see the angst and this new phase of their relationship where MC directly works under Ethan and he gets to mentor her even more closely. It will be fun to see their mutual pining now that they've finally pulled the plug and had sex and kind of fallen in love with each other. The angst will be great and like I said earlier, along with Naveen it will be fun for us to see how long these two struggle before they finally give in and say,"Fuck work ethics. Adrian Raines knew better."

So, that's the end of this rant. The Ethan×MC post will be up soon. I want it to be special, like Ethan once said. And here's hoping they release book two soon although rationally speaking I don't see the book coming this summer. It'll probably release in fall. Guess we gotta wait, but some things are simply worth the wait. And I guess, we're all fighting the inevitable. *wink*

[paolopallegient]

good morning, today is a better day.

i feel like all my work in the morning for the past 2 days have really helped achieved this feeing of me tal safety. To explain

3 days ago i learned that Gabbi had cut me off. It was hard to find out, i went ahead and slept it off, it meant nothing to me at night. I woke up and the information sunk into my heart. I was at my worst that morning, but i forced nyself to do good to myself. I remember not wanting to move, but i put my clothes in the laundry, showered, meditated, had a good bfast too with black bean noodle and some egg. It was good. Then i had work later with Darren and Dhan. It sucks because i love working with Darren and Dhan but i wasn't in no mood to communicate or talk to anybody. It makes me sad. I went home and facetimed Nicole and she had told me the true meanings as to why Gabbi had cut me off, which included why kiana had cut me off as well.

i went home and showered, got into bed and listened to music the whole time. I didn't want to talk to my parents, i didn't want to do anything bro. I waited for my parents to sleep just so i can eat by myself. I remember crying to Nicole about this moment because i felt like there was no hope for me. I remember late at night i hopelessly texted Kev so that we can talk it out. I needed to talk it out with somebody. Somebody who'd have my back. The insecurity within me had a feeling he wouldn't like what he heard or even lose another friend with him. It turned out well though.

The next day, I did the same stuff. I woke up, showered, did my laundry, made bfast, and even picked up an earlier shift. I usually work 4-9, but on this day i worked 1-9 so i was there longer. It turned out to be good for me. As i mentioned, i had to meet up with kev to talk about it. It was really good for my mental. I feel like i'm really learning how to grow and surround myself with good things nowadays. I guess i've experienced so much people leaving my life and the presence of their absence affecting me had taught me something 😂🤝😂. It's crazy, anyways, Yeah he was able to give me the guidance i needed. He told me that what i did isn't as severe as to what people are doing concurrently. Men are doing much worse than what i've done. He also said something very nice to me near the end, where i was dropping him off at his place. I was playing a logic song, a song off his new album No Pressure, but the song was in the background really so i wasn't paying attention. Kev placed my attention to the song and he said to me that he doesn't want me to be in the fear of being "cancelled" or crossing paths with somebody that doesn't like me because "that's not freedom."

damn.

That's not freedom. The song was "Amen", one of his favorite song off No Pressure. What he said there was something i carried through the whole day. I went to work after i dropped him off and i was thinking about that endlessly. I went to work and Kevin & Will were working. I realized that i like working with Kevin because he actually likes to talk and conversate. He's not as bad as people talk about him. It's merely the opposite, he surprises me. At the beginning he was hard on me when making drinks because, i was learning yenno? But now, when i do something "lazy" i'm surprised that he does the same. He made 3 drinks in a a blender lol. I've gotten condemned for doing such so i don't do it anymore. Anyways, talking and working the first half of the shift was nice. I was happy to talk to him. Kathy and Solo came in later. Solo is always dope, it's hard to talk to him doe because he's quiet as fuck and i like my music loud lol. Then Kathy was where it was at tho. I'll just say what she told me rather than how the conversations went. She told me she used to study film. She wanted to be in Film Production(i think) and went into Film Criticism on accident bc she wasn't looking close enough as to what she was studying or what classes were part of the curriculum. She told me as well that she's married, and that her and her husband used to own a restaurant, an american chinese place like Panda Express. 3 years ago she used to work at a boba shop, a local one in Orange County. I noticed that she refrains from telling me the names of the places she works, maybe those were years she didn't want to remember. It's understandable. 2018 and 2019 are years I do my best not to remember. Typing those years out actually made me reminisce and wow yeah i understand her, suggesting that her bringing up the names were the case as to why she wouldn't wanna talk about them.

Anyways, later in the shift around 6-7 it got busy and i started getting real mentally negative. It was insane to me, i started just drifting off while making drinks and i remember secretly slamming my hand down on bar. It just sounded like normal noise considering things are slammed all the time anyways, so nobody noticed anyways. Later, something crazy happened. I saw a girl come up and she had very familiar eyes. This is where my ability to recognize people astonishes me because I saw this girl's eyes and i recognized her as Noah Abel Cruz's girlfriend. Then i look whose next to him and it was Noah lmao. I had the quickest intuition to discount them, then i pulled out... i didn't tell Kathy to discount them... I wish i did. It was like my authentic self remember 2014, then my older self remember 2017-2018 😂 lmao stupid. I wish i coulda saved them some money in the name of growth. Although, what i did had shown that I was affected by his and my decisions from the past. I didn't appreciate what he's done or said to me in the past. Although, i still made their drinks... i think...? I remember yes, i did make their drinks. This moment i really am not proud of lmao so, it was pretty ass haha. I made their drinks and i remember being done for awhile, and Solo was busy AND KATHY WAS BUSY SO I MIGHT'VE HAD TO BRING THEIR DRINKSS TO THEM. But naw, I was able to hear Kathy's next order i think so i just remember beginning it and then solo came and brought the drinks. What happens later with the Noah story is crazy. from 7:10-7:50 i was going relatively crazy. I was thinking and repeating that moment forever. "shoulda discounted them" "shoulda shown him that i've grown" "should brought their drinks to them" idk. Earlier in the shift i texted Melissa if she could roll my weed because, yesterday with Dhan and Darren, Dhan gave me weed...? LOL Like, i have no form of smoking it but yeah. He just gave it to me, and Melissa agreed to roll my weed. Then i get a snap from Christian that they're both hanging out at the time i text her. I told him that, if they want free boba, come bc we close at 8, and they got excited. They came around 7:50 and were so playful?

They were happy to see me... It was nice to felt needed, or at least produce excitement for somebody. It was nice. I remember somewhat scrambling because solo was making drinks and I wanted to make their drinks and yeah. I made their drinks, said goodbye, etc. Then we closed, nothing much this night, just showered and laud in bed, ate later and watched Japan Sinks (which i don't like lmao, i won't be finishing this series lol). Anyways, yeah. I forgot to mention, the Noah thing. So we closed, i got into my car and called Kevin bc he called me while we were closing. He told me that Noah called him, and told him exactly what i was telling him. Like, "man i felt weird" stuff like that. He was saying that we'll probably reconnect at a listening party in the future at Kevin's. I think i have to organize my feelings with Noah first. Thinking about it now, i'd still feel weird. We'll work on it. I'll work on it. Anyways, yeah. crazy.

Christian, Melissa, Noah, Coworker Kevin, Vrother Kevin, Dhan, Darren, Nicole, all these people enjoy my presence. Even my parents enjoy my presence too. i have to remember this.

today, i will get up, use the restroom, i want to brush my teeth bc i didnt brush last night. I'll come back, make my bed, meditate, then shower, then fold my laundry, Kevin is coming around 12:30 so i'm assuming that we'll probabky eat when he comes. We'll be watching Do The Right Thing and Once Upon A Time In The West, an oldie double feature. It'll be good. Later in the day, i'm going to melissa's so she can roll my weed. I appreciate her. I appreciate kev. Today will be good and i'll further beaing good to myself. Tired of being tired of being tired.

Kiana, Gabbi, Justin, Preet, Bianca, etc. I want you all to know that i'm choosing to grow. I feel like i have potential to achieve greatness in this life. I want to do better for my seed so that my sons or daughters know consent and know how to "read the room" and not make people uncomfortable. I want to teach them and educate them. My nephews and nieces as well. For the future, if i become a teacher, i do want to teach my students as well. I want to become a person of change. I will change, i'll show you all. You can decide to be present for that, if not then...

I wish the best for all of you. I remember a life where i cared for all of you. Thank you for being apart of my journey. I have 0 defenses in my case if i get cancelled, i admit to what i've done. Although, i'm not going to allow that to restrict me from growing and being a better person. If you ask me, why wouldn't cancel culture WANT me to grow and be better? Idk. If i lose more friends to this, I won't be surprised but, yenno what i'll do?

Wake up in the morning, shower, meditate, do my laundry, and eat breakfast. I'm done being a shit-person to others, but it begins with myself. I have to love myself.

Today is day 3 not getting cancelled. I have a dentist appointment sunday. Next week is Julius's bday. Gabbi's too but i won't be celebrating it lol. Then Passdown retreat, then the week after school starts. Then blam. Life keeps going. I will grow.

Thank you Paolo for taking the time to just type this whole thing out... this was also a step towards loving myself. Alright, i have to shit. See yall in my next post. Love you all. Swag.

[theglowstickchronicles]

Guys, I was HELLA behind on FMLS90- but I'm still in it! Just caught up :) while I was waiting for the grocery store to open. Now I am off with my reusable bags to get my food for the week before coming home and continuing chores. I want to get as much done as possible before FOOTBALL starts!!! We're playing Kansas City at 4:25 today (@fatmaninalittlesuit I'm sure you'll be watching this game as well!) and I am SO NERVOUS. We have been... trash, lately. Last week's game was atrocious. I wish I had planned better and tried to go to the game, even though it would probably be crazy expensive and super cold, because my football buddies are in California on a mini vacation (their 3rd this season compared to my 0) and I only have local cable at home.

Anyway, here it is:

• 11/18 - How does holiday food play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any positive or negative traditions that impact your journey? Share one of both.

Well, this was probably supposed to be about Thanksgiving feasts but here we are on December 8th! Honestly, we don’t really have any “traditions” beyond getting together and sharing a meal. In hindsight this Thanksgiving was probably my best, calorie-wise, because my brother-in-law’s sister did most of the cooking and did a lot of sides with bacon incorporated into them and, since I’m vegetarian, I did not partake. I had some DELICIOUS food, don’t get me wrong, and she made a to-die-for caprese salad… but most of the apps had bacon and several of the sides. I ended up having cheese and crackers, french onion tartlets (SOOO GOOD), chips & dip, mashed potatoes, and a plethora of vegetable sides. It also helped that I had to work overnight Thursday into Friday so I couldn’t have any wine 

• 11/19 - How does holiday stress play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any especially stressful situations that make your physical or mental journey tough? How do / will you handle them?

Holidays don’t really stress me out, if we’re being honest. As of Dec. 6 I just need to pick up some alcohol and then some giftcards for my cousin’s kids, and I’m done Christmas shopping. I start my shopping November 1 every year. I don’t mind seeing my family -they’re dramatic, just like everyone else, but compared to my job? A few hours of family drama time is nothing. I do tend to hoard a bottle of wine to myself for the holidays but I’m not sober during non-holiday times, either, so that doesn’t really come into play.

• 11/20 - What role do family and friends play in your holidays? Are these mostly positive or negative? What do you want to change about this?

Mostly positives! I hosted my second annual Friendsgiving this year and it was fantastic. The one downside was I had been up for 44 hours but I think it went well. Honestly the only “downside” to friends/family during holidays is having to be in such close quarters with people because as much as I love them, someone inevitably has germs.

• 11/21 - Do you notice and physical / mental changes around this time of year? Do you have any strategies to deal with them?

I am always a sleepy bitch, but more so during the winter months due to the lack of sun. This M-F, not getting home till 5-6 every night, office has no window life is bullshit. We always jokes that nightshift never sees the sun but dude, until you’ve gone 5 days without sunlight, don’t even @ me. I am extra careful about taking my vitamins during this time of the year because I really do notice a difference in energy and mood without them (I have some vitamin deficiencies NOT related to my diet thank you).

• 11/22 - How do work / school commitments / events this time of year differ for you? Can this be used to your advantage in your fitness journey or are there steps you can take to minimize the challenges?

In the fall we have annual mandatory education at work which can be stressful but other than that, work does not change. This year was a little different because I picked up a second job and had orientation and have been working a lot to save up money for my many endeavors over the next 2 years (sister’s bridal shower / bachelorette /wedding, best friend’s bridal shower / bachelorette / wedding, everyone is turning 30 and wants to go all out -me included- wanting to go on more vacations, wanting to do a 29th birthday somethingl… the list is endless…. Lol)

• 11/23 - Do you have any plans to travel this year? If so, describe the challenges that creates and how you will handle them. If not, what can you do at home to set yourself up for success?

One semi-definite plan is my sister’s bachelorette in 2020! I don’t know when or where we’re going, but we’re going- which reminds me, I need to get my passport in case it ends up being Canada! I also would like to do a small trip for my 29th birthday. Originally I wanted to take a week off (I am close to vacation time caps at work) but we are OF COURSE having a new system go-live 6 days after my birthday and I’m like, top 5 most important people for the go-live. So we shall see. Perhaps a 3-day weekend for president’s day somewhere close?

• 11/24 - Share one tip with the community on how to stay healthy during the holidays.

I feel like any time I have to share a tip with the community I share the same one, but there it is: PREPARATION. For instance I have not meal prepped in 3 weeks and IT SHOWS. I’ve been feeling sluggish and gross, not working out like I should be, and not sleeping as well…. PREPARATION IS KEY!!!

• 11/25 - What are your general thoughts on gratitude and the role it plays in your mental health and happiness?

Being in healthcare puts a new perspective on gratitude. I’m answering this hella late so it’s not actually 11/25 and is several weeks post-Thanksgiving, but… yesterday I watched a daughter unexpectedly lose her mother in the worst possible way. She walked into the room and almost immediately told us to stop doing CPR. I am grateful for my family being here and healthy, I am grateful for my fellow healthcare providers, and I am grateful that this strong woman who was having the worst day of her life wanted one thing for her mother in the last moments of her life: peace.

• 11/26 - What are some past experiences I am grateful for? How did they shape my life for the better?

I am grateful for growing up the way I did. I can’t say I wouldn’t change things but being raised by who I was shaped me into who I am. I’m grateful I wasn’t just handed things and was forced to work for them. I was probably not super appreciative at age 16 when I had to pay for my own car, but as an adult I am SO happy that I learned the lesson of working hard.

• 11/27 - Who do I appreciate? Tell us about them and why you are grateful they are in your life.

Right now I am appreciating the nurse who took report from me last night! We’ll probably never meet again but thank you for listening to my rants, not judging my last-minute leaky IV (don’t worry, the patient had another one that worked fine), and for getting me out of there so quickly!

• 11/28 - It’s Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. Tell us what specifically you are Thankful for today.

On Thanksgiving I was grateful for friends, family, and awesome coworkers.

• 11/29 - What are some people / things I may be taking for granted? How can I better express my gratitude for these people / things in the future?

I sometimes take my dad especially for granted. I depend on him for things around the house that I don’t have the skills or knowledge to do, such as fix the deck or the running toilet or even hang things without punching a hole in the wall. In the future I want to express that I’d rather him teach me these things instead of just coming to do them.

• 11/30 - What are some future opportunities I have that I am grateful for?

Everyone’s wedding, and the Year of Turning 30 Extravaganza.

• 12/1 - Share one tip with the community on how to live life with at attitude of gratitude.

No one is grateful 100% of the time. I try to make it a point every day to think of what I have… friends, family, pets, house, car, food in my fridge, etc…. and remember that not everyone has those.

• 12/2 - Where are you on your personal mental health journey? What strengths and opportunities do you have?

The changing of the seasons, setting the clocks back, and the SNOW on December 1st took its toll. I am usually not a Christmas-decorations-the-day-after-Thanksgiving type of person, but this year that’s the day that worked for my family getting our trees (me, my dad, and my sister/brother in law all go together and my Dad drops the trees off with his pickup) so I decorated that weekend and began listening to Christmas music (Pentatonix, ayyyyy). It really HAS been a pick-me-up!!!

• 12/3 - What are some past experiences with mental heath work? What has worked well for you and what has not worked as well.

Personally? None. Professionally? Just what I give as a nurse.

• 12/4 - How is your mental health compared to a year ago? Are you remaining steady, improving or regressions? What do you need to do about it?

Well, this time last year I had been at my job for one day and had no idea what I was doing. Now I’ve been here for a year and know what I’m doing… 50% of the time? So my mental health has gotten better since I no longer feel like a fish out of water. It helps that I got a per diem at the bedside and have those opportunities to do direct patient care.

• 12/5 - How aware are you of your mental health? Are your your moods steady or do they ebb and flow? Are you aware when things are changing and do you have any experience / tips for heading off tough times?

Very aware of my mental health; you have to be, to survive in healthcare without getting serious burnout. I would say my moods ebb and flow, which isn’t abnormal. Tough times can be headed off by doing self care, and I don’t mean in the bath-bomb-face-mask type of way: do your laundry (and fold it straight out the dryer), wash the dishes, clean the house, meal prep… and maybe get a manicure.

• 12/6 - Have you noticed any patterns / cycles to your own mental health? Do the seasons, or specific holidays or other variables impact you in specific ways?

Not especially. Late fall / early winter tends to be hard due to the lack of sun, but I also have a vitamin D deficiency that for obvious reasons gets worse in the winter, and low vit D causes depressive symptoms.

• 12/7 - How are mental health and physical health connected? What are some of your experiences that show this in your life?

Well. In my personal and somewhat-work-related experience, being in poor physical health often has a negative impact on mental health. HOWEVER BEING IN POOR PHYSICAL HEALTH DOES NOT MEAN BEING OVERWEIGHT. Plenty of patients have normal BMIs and are in poor health, and plenty have BMIs that label them obese and are in good health. And being in good physical health does not mean you have good mental health. I guess what I want to say is that while they can influence one another, they are not directly correlated?

• 12/8 - Share one tip with the community about developing or maintaining your mental health.

Don’t let things pile up. And I mean that literally and figuratively. Clean your house and prep your food and for the love of God empty the trash from your car (no? just me?). But also… don’t dwell on things you cannot change, and don’t stew on things you can. Just do it. It will be worth the time, energy, and anxiety.

[gotboredwrote]

The Walking Stick // BHM

Pairing: Brian May x Fem!Reader Word Count: 3.5K Style: One-Shot Warnings: Fluff, childhood trauma in relation to bugs (entomophobia) Summary: Brian, being the animal-lover he is, starts to develop feelings for a new roadie who happens to have a severe phobia of one of the creatures he loves. He wants to help her when nothing else could. Permanent Author’s Note: To clarify, I write because I get bored. Nothing is meant to be professional in any way, nor is meant to offend, cause anxiety, cause anger, cause sadness, or promote disagreement among readers in any sort of (semi)permanent way. A/N: A small little thing that came to me out of nowhere, so this is just kind of… eh. Decided not to even edit this either. Sorry lol.

Masterlist

~

Some people called it irrational. Some people laughed at you when you freaked out. Very few people were okay with a panic attack if it happened. But it was not like you could control it. The fear was rooted deep within an experience from your childhood, so there was not much you could do about it.

In truth, for many years, any time something would happen, you tried to figure out what it was that could calm you down and you were never successful. Your parents always tried to help you, but any time they interfered, somehow it got worse. You were always completely on your own. Despite their attempts, your parents did offer one piece of advice you could see the advantage of taking, which was make sure to get a job where you would not be exposed to said fear. So, what did you do?

Take a job where all you would do is travel and be introduced to new species of bugs each and every day.

~

You had been interning at Chelsea College and you saw a job opportunity posted on one of the bulletin boards. Something related to being a roadie for a band called Queen. It paid well, and you desperately needed the money. Except you noticed that all the pull tabs had already been pulled, so you were not sure how you would go about applying. You noticed a phone number on the flyer, so you just decided to write it down and call it.

“Chelsea College music hall.”

“Oh, um hi. My name is Y/N Y/L/N and I was calling in reference to a… a flyer I saw on—”

“Queen?”

“Y-yes. Could you put me in contact with them?”

“They’re here now, walk over and I’ll send you back.”

“Oh, okay, um… thank y—” And you heard the phone hit the receiver.

You walked over to the building, reintroducing yourself to the, frankly, rude receptionist for the building. He directed you to the room you needed to go to, and once you were in front of the door, you quietly knocked and waited. What exactly were you going to say? You knew this position had already been filled, if the pull tabs being missed was anything to go by. After about 30 seconds, you heard some heavy footsteps toward the door, probably by someone in boots, and then it swung open, revealing a shorter blonde, cigarette dripping from his lips.

“Well, hello. What do I owe the pleasure?”

“I was um, looking to see if the position you guys were offering was still available. The assistant one?”

“Well, I won’t speak for the band, but you could be my personal assistant—”

“Roger, let the poor girl in here!” You heard a more posh and deep voice from behind the blonde who filled the doorway. The blonde huffed out some smoke and rolled his eyes, but complied with the voice’s request.

When you could finally look into the room, you noticed a handful of women scattered around the room, a few older men, and then the three other men you needed to pay attention to. You were hoping to put the voice to a face, but someone else, clearly a different voice spoke up first. Glitzy.

“What do we owe the pleasure, darling?”

“Well, I was uh, interested in the position you have posted on that one bulletin board. But, I saw that all the little tabs are gone, so…”

“Nonsense dear! Many of those tabs were pulled by the blue-eyed floozies you see littered around this room.” You looked at him nervously, amazed at his boldness saying that with the girls within earshot. “Don’t worry about them, trust me. They’re more consumed with the other boys physically than anything we say them.”

You tried to smile at him lightly, still a little bit in shock, and looked around the room, landing on one of the tall men in the room, one with a mound of poofy, dark brown curls atop his head who happened to be staring at you with wide eyes and parted lips. As soon as you locked onto his eyes, you smiled, and he returned it, but quickly looked at his current situation and a frown replaced it. Three of those blue-eyed floozies the one man mentioned were laying around him, and he clearly did not want you to think that was the kind of guy he was, so he sat up, much to the girls’ dismay. He placed a hand into his curled and scratched lightly, and you practically could not tear your eyes away from him. It felt straight out of a meet-cute, but you were getting way ahead of yourself. The man from before tore. You from your thoughts.

“Oh, how rude of me! I’ve never introduced myself or the lads in the band. I’m Freddie, the blonde who answered the door was Roger, John is over there with his beau Veronica, and the tall man you’ve been ogling is Brian.”

You were slightly taken aback by his comment, ever forward, and Brian clearly heard him too because his face went red as well.

“What might we call you, dear?”

“Y/N.”

“Well, Y/N, the job is yours if you’d like it.”

“What? I-I didn’t even tell you about me or anything.”

“Doesn’t matter. My personal goal is to break you out of this shell you have, and giving you this job is the best way to do it.”

Freddie gave you a wide smile before returning to nursing the drink he had in his hand, and you watched each of the boys in their element – Roger with the girls, John reading a book with Veronica wrapped under his arm, and Brian pushing the girls away because there was only one he was interested in.

~

Freddie had told you that they were leaving in four days, so you had that long to prepare for tour life. Whatever the hell that meant. You were a shy and reserved book worm, the idea of hanging with rock stars was not something you really expected to happen in your life, but here you were. Somehow, by pure luck, even though Freddie will tell you it was your personality, you got this gig.

You had an apartment right near the campus, hence why you were at the school in the first place for an event. You were folding a load of laundry you specifically did for the tour when you heard the buzzer for your door, signaling someone wanted to see you. Not expecting anyone, you were hesitant at first to let the person know you were home. You heard the buzz again, and decided it could not hurt, since you did not have to let them in.

“Can I help you?”

“Y/N?”

“Yes?”

“Oh, whew, good, I found the right flat. Uh, it’s Brian. Could I come up?”

The voice. You finally heard it again. The one who stopped Roger from his pursuit of you. A deep voice, intelligent. You realized in that moment you had not actually spoken to John or Brian the other day when Freddie gave you the job. You walked away before ever officially meeting them.

“Y/N? You there? I still can’t open the door.”

“Oh! Yeah, yeah one second.”

You buzzed Brian through the door and unlocked your door so you could walk back into your bedroom to continue folding your clothes. You waited about 4 minutes and then you heard the knock on the door. You called out to him telling him he could just come in, and you heard the door open. If a door could sound reluctant, yours did in that moment. You called out from your bedroom, telling him where you were, and he slowly made his way through your apartment. Taking in your style as he went through. Very much similar to his, and he made it a point to commit the poster you had of the planets and their descriptions to memory. Made him happy to see that you shared an interest of his.

He made his way back to your bedroom and saw you hovered over the side of your bed, clothes all neatly stacked in piles that clearly had some type of order.

“Hi, Brian!” Your voice came out a little bit less strong than you would have liked, almost like his presence knocked the wind out of you. “What do I owe the pleasure?”

“Well, I wanted to offer my assistance.”

“With what?”

“That.” He gestured to all the clothes littering your double bed.

“My laundry?”                                                        

Brian suppressed a laugh but a toothy smile escaped anyway. “No, silly, your packing. I understand you’ve never done anything like this before? It isn’t like vacation, you can’t just pack a handful of clothes.”

“I know that, but I’m honestly not sure where to draw the line.”

“Did you want the assistance I was offering, love?”

“That would… actually be marvelous.”

Brian was instantly at your side, helping you fold some of the clothes from your basket. He was careful not to select any of your undergarments, but he accidentally grabbed a pair of your underwear at one point, and not by the elastic or the bum, and he immediately went beet red and apologized profusely. You just laughed and nudged him on the shoulder. You did not mind, it was honestly sweet to see him get so worked up and not really aroused by it like most men would. You did not even want to imagine how Roger would have handled that.

“Brian?”

“Yes?”

“How exactly did you find my flat?”

Instantly the color drained from his face because he was afraid you were going to hate him for seeking it out.

“Bri, I’m not angry with you. Quite the contrary. I am not the type to ask for help, so you showing up was actually a blessing. You’re like, an angel to me.”

“Well, essentially…” Brian started talking about the process of finding your apartment, which was much more complicated than he initially planned for it to be. Hence why he did not come the day before. By the time he found out the apartment and where it was, it was late and he did not want to disturb you. He continued talking but noticed that your side of the laundry pile had not gotten smaller while he was talking.

“Y/N? You okay?”

When he looked over at you, your face was as white as a sheet and your eyes were laser focused onto something. Your body was stiffer than a piece of wood. Clearly, you were in a state of shock. Brian followed your gaze and saw what you were looking at – a moth about the size of a polaroid picture was on the wall opposite to where the two of you were standing. Brian looked back at you, calmly speaking to you.

“Want me to take it outside, love?”

All you did was nod stiffly, not moving any other muscles. Brian nodded and carefully walked over to the wall, capturing the moth in his larger hands, careful not to crush it. He walked over to the small balcony you had off of your bedroom and released it off the edge.  When he walked back in, he expected you to be back to normal, but he was met with you almost having a panic attack. At first, he was not sure what to do, but he decided on pulling you into a tight embrace, rubbing circles into your back in an effort to calm your breathing.

It worked.

Nothing had ever worked before. Not a single thing. And then here you were, standing in your apartment in the arms of a man you hardly knew, and he was able to calm you down. When you felt your breath return to normal, you pulled back to look at him. And you just stared at him, wide eyed.

“Alright, love?”

“Y-yeah. I, um…”

“You don’t have to talk about it.”

“You deserve to know. After that.”

Brian helped you sit down onto your bed, one arm moving to rest on your knee, the other still rubbing your back. And you began to explain what happened just now.

[Flashback Start]

“M-m-mommy…”

It was disgusting. The sight of it all being played out in your head.

“Mommy?”

It had to be thousands of them.

“MOMMY!”

Your childhood home had a small pond and frogs liked to live in it. You always liked to watch them, and that day was no different. You went outside, small snack in hand, and watched as one of the frogs lay dead on the stones on the edge of the pool. Its corpse being devoured by thousands of different kinds of bugs. Flies, spiders, roaches, grasshoppers, moths. Crawling and buzzing. It was deafening, louder than nighttime cicadas. It made you want to vomit. The dark side of the circle of life.

Bugs used to not faze you one bit. Now, with the knowledge that they could be as vicious of predators as a lion or a tiger made you absolutely petrified of them, afraid if you stop moving in front of them, they are going to think you were dead, just like the frog. And eat you.

[Flashback End]

“So… bugs and you don’t get along, huh?”

You shook your head.

“And nothing anyone has ever done has been able to help your through the panic attacks?”

Another shake.

“Except for me.”

Now a nod.

“Well.” Brian thought carefully about his next choice of words. “Guess it’s a good thing you’ve got me on this little adventure, right?”

Finally, you looked up at him, and you smiled. He had grown fond of that smile, and never wanted to see it go away. You could say the same about his, little fangs and all. He was still rubbing circles on your back. You felt so relaxed in his presence.

With a small peck on the cheek, mean to be completely harmless,  he spoke again. “Let’s continue packing, love.”

~

The tour went pretty smoothly. It was a relatively local tour, so the travel was not all that bad. You were on a bus separate from the boys, but Brian always made it a point to travel with you, and only leave when it was time to sleep. He only left when you were at the last rest stop before bedtime, and then he’d switch busses. He always was on watch for bugs so you did not have a panic attack in public. There were a few times a spider or something would end up on the tour bus, prompting you to enter a state of panic. But, Brian was always there to remove it. He never killed the bugs – always trapped them and let them go. He was nice to every living thing he met, no mattered the circumstances. It was enchanting. Everything about him.

One day, on tour, the boys had some time off and Freddie had suggested they walk the little hiking trail that happened to be near the venue. When Freddie was the one who suggested it, you all kind of scoffed at him, but he seemed determined. The new guy he was talking with seemed to be into it, so you blamed it on that. Before everyone had started gathering what they needed, Brian made his way onto your bus and saw that you had packed a backpack, ready to go, and he got anxious.

“You’re actually coming with us?”

“Of course! I was hoping I could walk with you. If… that’s alright, obviously.”

“I would adore spending all my free time with you,” Brian winced at himself internally at the slight confession. He was hoping to tell you how he had started feeling about you in a more intimate way, maybe under the stars, but the cat might have been out of the bag at this point. Why could this cat have not been like Delilah? That cat loved to play in plastic bags. “But, you do understand that there’s going to be a lot of bugs out here, and I can’t release them into the air if they’re already there.” “I know, and I appreciate your concern, but I think if you just let me stick by your side, I’ll be okay.”

“But I don’t want you getting embarrassed—”

“Bri.”

He sighed at your determination, another thing he had come to really like about you. “If you insist, love. Ready to go, then?” He held out his hand for you to take, a bold move considering what he was trying to keep private. Yet you took it with strength, almost as if you were egging him on to admit what he was feeling. The two of you walked from your bus hand in hand and made your way to the back of the trail. Everyone else had already started making their way.

You and Brian remained close together the whole time, hands still interlocked. Brian was glad you could not hear how hard his heart was beating from the touch, and he was also glad you could not hear the small shattering he felt when you drew your hand away. But, he noticed it was not because of him, it was because you wanted to take some pictures with the camera you packed. Yet another thing for Brian to like about you – you both liked photography. He was beginning to wonder where you had been his whole life.

Then he stopped hearing the shutter of your camera. He had walked to the other side of the relatively wide trail, opposite you, to look at a really beautiful bird. But the second he stopped hearing your camera he was turned around and walking in your direction. You had been kneeled down to take a picture of the foliage, but now the camera was dangling between your legs and you looked stiff again.

Instantly his arms were around your neck and shoulders, his head buried into your neck. He thought you saw a big bug and were starting to panic and he wanted to nip the panic attack in the bud. He squeezed tightly to make sure you knew he was there and that you were safe.

Now you could heel how hard his heart was beating.

Yours was beating the same amount, but not because of a bug.

“Bri?”

“You’re okay, it’s not going to hurt you love.”

“Bri—”

“I’ll move it far away from here, it’s not going to get you.”

“Brian! I can’t breathe.”

“I’m here, please try to breathe, love.”

“No, you’re squeezing really tight.”

Brian yanked his arms away to look at your face, which had no tears. All your color was there. You even had a smile on your face. You looked up at him, and he had a look of shock on his face. You started to laugh really hard, and he almost started laughing himself – he was just too confused to.

You pressed a kiss to his cheek to attempt to break him from his trance before you spoke again.

“There’s just a walking stick here.” You stopped speaking to gaze at the interesting bug. “For once… I’m okay. I think it’s because this little guy reminds me of you. Physically, he’s long and lanky—” “Hey!” “But moves gracefully and independently. It’s also really intelligent compared to other bugs, it seems. And he’s really friendly. I even held out my hand and his little antenna came up to inspect me. But, he reminds me of you through and through, somehow. I think that’s why he doesn’t scare me.”

You were still looking at the bug while Brian was gawking at you. In a very weird but extremely endearing way, he could feel himself falling deeper into his feelings for you after that comment. You looked so at ease, and he knew he had a chance. He reached up to lightly grab your chin so he could pull your forehead to lean against his. The two of you just stared into each other’s eyes, almost in a trance.

“Y/N… you’re such an enigma, but I’m determined to figure you out.”

“I’d be glad to let you try, Bri.”

Brian started to lean closer to you, like he was going to kiss you, when Roger’s voice ruined the moment.

“Would you two c’mon? Freddie is currently trying to climb out of a creek and it’s pretty funny.”

You and Brian just looked at him, chuckling at his excitement. Then you looked back at each other. Brian started to stand up to keep going on the trail, but you grabbed his face to keep him at your level.

“Thank you, Brian.”

Instantly he pressed his lips to yours for a quick but searing kiss. When he broke away, he saw you had the shocked look he had earlier.

“I think I just cracked the first code of the Y/N enigma, huh?”

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