ratsarehere-comingwerewolves

[songofwizardry]

It's speak your language day! I have some fun facts on Kiswahili! Translation under the cut.

Leo hapa Tumblr ni siku ya kuongea lugha yako ya kwanza (inaitwa speak your language day)! Kuisherehekea siku hii, nilitaka ku shiriki nanyinyi nyote semi chache za Kiswahili. Kiswahili ina utajiri nyingi ya mapokeo ya mdomo, na kuna desturi na historia ndefu ya kusimulia mahadithi, kutega vitendawili, n.k.

Kwa mfano, ukitaka kusimulia hadithi, unaanza hivyo:

Msimulizi: Hadithi hadithi!

Hadhira: Hadithi njoo, uongo njoo, utamu kolea!

Msimulizi: Zamani za kale...

Hadithi zinazosimuliwa mara kwa mara ni hadithi za wanyama wa porini: sungura mjanja, mfalme simba, fisi, na kadhalika; hadithi kama hizi zinapatikana katika nchi nyingi za Kiafrika.

Vitendawili ni semi zinazotegwa, na watu wanatakiwa wazifumbulie. Watu wanaoongea Kiswahili kawaida wanajua vitendawili vingi, kwasababu tunazifunza katika shule ya msingi—mi mwenyewe nakumbuka nilipokuwa katika darasa la saba, kabla ya mtihani ya taifa, nilikaa ninakariri vitendawili kama arobaini! Vitendawili vinachekesha na vinachemsha bongo, kwa mfano:

"Askari wangu ni mpole lakini adui wanamhara." (Jibu: paka)

"Tajiri wa rangi." (Jibu: kinyonga)

"Numba yango ina nuguzo mmoja." (Jibu: uyoga)

"Mzungu katoka ulaya no mkono kiunoni." (Jibu: kikombe)

Kwa ukweli mi mwenyewe nimeaanza kusahau vitendawili vingine—lakini zinapatikana ukiGoogle siku hizi!

Kiswahili ni lugha yenye historia, desturi, na vipengele vingi vya kuvutia—siwezi kuziandika zote hapa, lakini kwa mfano, muda ya Kiswahili ("swahili time"), ngeli za nomino, historia ya uandikishi wa Kiswahili (kuanza na harufi za Kiarabu), na ilivyotengenezwa 'lingua franca' katika Tanzania, na lugha ya taifa baada ya uhuru. Natumaini mtafunza kidogo kuhusu lugha ya Kiswahili leo—usiache baada ya kujua 'Hakuna Matata' tu!

(Kama nimokesea sarufi, samahani sana! Siku hizi siandiki kwa Kiswahili kwa kawaida.)

(Translated from Kiswahili/Swahili, with some extra notes)

Today, here on tumblr, is Speak Your Language Day! To celebrate this day, I wanted to share with you a few short sayings in Kiswahili. Kiswahili has a rich variety of oral traditions, and there is a long history and tradition of narrating stories orally, posing vitendawili (common riddles), etc.

For example, it is traditional when one is narrating a story to start like this:

Narrator: A story, a story!

Audience: Story, come! Fiction, come! Make it sweet!

Narrator: Once upon a time...

The common tales that are narrated are folk tales involving wild animals: common characters of the cunning hare (sungura mjanja), the king lion, the hyena—folk tales of similar nature can be found in many African countries.

Vitendawili are short sayings that are posed, and people need to solve/figure them out. People who speak Kiswahili will know many of these, because we learn them in primary school—I remember when I was in Grade 7, before my national exams (standardised tests taken at the end of primary school), I sat and memorised about forty different vitendawili! Vitendawili can both make one laugh, and be mind-bogglers (literal translation: they boil the brain), for example:

"My soldier is so gentle, but the enemies are scared of them."

"The one wealthy in colours."

"My house has only one pillar."

"The white man has come from England with his hand on his waist."

Answers to the vitendawili are at the bottom.

In all honestly I have forgotten a lot of the vitendawili—but these days you can Google and find lists of them easily!

Kiswahili is a language with a rich history, and many fascinating features—I couldn't write them all here, but for example, Swahili time, our many noun classes, the history of writing Kiswahili (there are early Kiswahili writings using the Arabic script), and the way it originated as a lingua franca and how it became the national language and a uniting factor in Tanzania after independence. I hope you'll look up the history of or a little bit of Kiswahili today—it's much more than just the phrase 'Hakuna Matata'!

(My apologies if I've made any grammar mistakes—these days I don't often write in Kiswahili. Also, because I intentionally wanted to write this in Kiswahili first, and then translate it, and I'm not practiced at translation, the English sounds clunky/weird—my apologies, but hey, it's SpYLD, I gotta prioritise the non-English text.)

Answers to the vitendawili:

A cat

A chameleon

A mushroom

A teacup

Some links:

Langfocus' Swahili video, which is a really good primer

The online Kiswahili dictionary I use most

For Kiswahili news, BBC Swahili (both online and you can listen to the radio) is pretty good. There's also many, many Kiswahili language news sites you can find, eg Mwananchi.

And of course, music!

Bongo flava is a genre of Tanzanian music (that originated in Dar es Salaam! Bongoland!)—it's a vibrant genre, it's closely linked to hip-hop and Afrobeats; I have a soft spot for the Bongo Flava of the 00s, so here's Usineseme by Ali Kiba (2009)

Sauti Sol are super well known these days, with good reason! They're awesome! They sing in both Kiswahili and English, but my favourite song of theirs is Nairobi

And in a departure from my usual brand, some patriotic music—this is a remix of the traditional patriotic song Tanzania Tanzania, recorded to encourage people to vote in the 2015 elections. I like it because it's a fun video that captures a lot of different parts of Dar es Salaam.

[em-writes-stuff-sometimes]

Haven't heard from you in a while, hope you're doing well! <3

Hey, nonnie - I'm doing alright. Personal ramble below the cut. Skip if you're just here for fanfic reading and don't care about my silly little melodrama.

Not going to go into too much detail, but I've been really feeling the depression lately. For context, I have clinical depression and take a really high dose of antidepressants, which fuck with other aspects of my life (i.e. weight and lack of sleep). Medical consensus is that I'll need medication for the rest of my life as my brain does not perform the appropriate mood-regulating functions (I'm not super sure what the specifics of this are). I've struggled with low feeling, demotivation, SI/SH etc. for nearly nine years now. I've slipped into a bit of an episode lately - not necessarily related to being online but Tumblr is a part of it - but I'm trying to work my way out of it by picking up some new-old hobbies, such as crochet, and doing things that I like and that don't stress me. I'm safe and don't have the opportunity to action any of my feelings, so please don't worry about me!

Unfortunately, Tumblr has been a source of stress for me since I've come on here. I've made some downright terrible choices in friends, in behaviour, in the amount of energy I commit to this space, and the only one who can really break this cycle is me. This site hosts a really wide range of personalities, and I just... feel like I've encountered some of the absolute worst among all of that, and it's done me absolutely no favours when it comes to making good choices. We all say that as adults, we should know better, but there's no sudden switch that flips, you know? We spend our whole lives making mistakes and learning from them. Adulthood isn't the abrupt entry into moral infallibility, and that's been something I've had to address and work through when it comes to my own failings.

To be perfectly honest, Tumblr isn't a supportive place. Or the people aren't. I don't really know which. To clarify, I do generally speak of the community of artists and writers in this, not the people here who just want to enjoy art or read someone's fanfic. I suppose there's a certain level of - I don't know - self-centredness? - when it comes to creating an online presence and sharing one's own creations on the internet. That mentality, I think, bleeds over into feelings of entitlement in creative communities. Entitlement to other people's time, to people's attention, to people's promotion, and when one doesn't get that, the problems start: (best to worst =) transactional interaction, badmouthing, hate anons, public bashing, and the list goes on. I've definitely been someone who has been upset by people's lack of interaction. I've responded with "oh, I'm not reblogging until they reblog mine" more than once. We all know that I've been involved with badmouthing and publicly bashing others. I continue to be very ashamed of this, and I am honest with myself about what I've done and how I got there in my journey working through my problems and making meaningful change in my life.

Anyway, point is - I'm trying to divorce myself from the entitlement, and I think to do that I need to divorce myself from the notion that we exist as a community. I've put far too much effort into that idea, and it's gotten me absolutely nowhere. There are more people who dislike me than not. Most just straight-up ignore me. I deserve it, sure, but (or maybe and) I have no intention of continuing to engage in a space that either doesn't exist or where I'm not wanted. I've felt anxious and upset at the mere thought of going on Tumblr the past few months. It hasn't been bringing me joy anymore, and that was the whole point of it. There's so much bad blood associated with being on here, but I love writing. I love this show. I can't give up something that makes me so happy in every respect other than this one site.

So I've taken some time off, reassessed the way I'm intending to use this space, and I've essentially decided that I started it for me so I'm going to do it for me. I'm going to interact with who I want and post what I want and damn absolutely everyone who tries to police me (of which there has been A LOT - apparently I have a "responsibility" to support others which I now know is actually code for "I'm jealous that you're getting any kind of attention online, so instead of addressing my issue with this, I'm going to vaguepost about/anon/DM you to try and guilt you into giving my work attention so that maybe it'll transfer to me").

For the casual peruser, no change at all. But I'm done giving my effort to the idea of 'community'. It doesn't exist, or I don't belong. I am going to do what makes me happy now, and only what makes me happy. That's the whole point. I'm sick of focusing on negatives. I'm sick of posting about them, to be honest. I think this mindset will do me good.

If you've gotten this far, I hope that it's okay that I've decided this. I'm feeling positive about it!

[when-life-gives-you-lemons-if]

FANGIRLING MOMENT AHEAD!!-!!2))2$

if CC has one fan, it is me. if CC has 100 fans, im one of them. if CC has no fans, i am dead. im ur #1 fan (NOT CLICKBAIT) ok this first part is going to be hella cheesy but i do have some writing questions after (sorry for long ask, idk how to dm on tumblr) onto my appreciation paragraph that i wrote for you: i hope you have a great day, CC. i really enjoy your work and dedication that you put into your writing. i have no money currently so i can’t support you financially yet (like on kofi or patreon) but just know i always read your work and will always be supporting you! i’ve been a fan of your work since i was 14ish? i’m 16 now and your work has inspired me to get back into writing—you’re truly one of my biggest role models when it comes to interactive fiction (which is no easy task, IDK HOW YOU DO IT) and writing in general! thank you for being such a down to earth author. i don’t know much about you personally but i know that writing can be super hard/overwhelming for a lot of people! when days are rough, i hope you can remember this message <33333 i have a lot of questions about writing, specifically your personal experience/journey with writing that i want to ask you, if that’s okay? you don’t have to answer all—you dont even have to answer them if you don’t feel like answering! i would just really like more perspective from authors in the interactive fiction field before i think of starting an IF of my own (it’s intimidating) i think its safe to call this an interview in your inbox

QUESTIONS

how did you begin writing fiction that’s interactive? what about interactive fiction appealed to you?

have you ever written non-interactive fiction works before publishing your interactive novels, or did you choose to go straight into interactive? (p.s. if you have any non-interactive works, SEND THEM MY WAY…please)

kind of adding onto Q2: if you haven’t written non-interactive works before, have you ever considered it?

what age did you begin writing?

do you ever get writers block? if you do, what do you do to get the ideas flowing again?

do you set writing goals for yourself? how do you make sure you stay motivated in order to reach them?

how do you plan your works? is there a specific structure or setup you follow?

i’m a newbie writer, but interactive fiction is really intriguing to me. i would like to ask for your opinion: do you think interactive fiction is a good place to start? or would it be better if i dabble in non interactive fiction first to get the hang of writing in general?

how do you handle overwhelming/overbearing/invasive comments from readers? which are pretty common in the IF community

if you’re an adult, have been to college? and if you dont mind me asking, what’s your degree(s) in? and final question that adds onto this, do your degree(s) involve writing or is writing just a hobby/passion you do on the side?

THANK YOU!

that ended up being longer than i thought, i’m so sorry… anyway, thank you so much for reading my questions (and if you reply, thanks for replying!) i hope you have an amazing year (and life in general.) i’ll never forget the impact your writing has left on me /pos and i’m so sorry if this “interview” is invasive or makes you feel overwhelmed, that wasn’t my intention. i hope you continue releasing books, but just know that it’s okay to take breaks!!!! don’t let the internet hooligans overwhelm you. and if they do, HAVE NO FEAR, J. IS HERE! i will *happily and dutifully* defend you with my life.

Thank you so much. 💕 That is so kind of you. I'll do my best to answer all the questions. 😁

I noticed the age you wrote down and I hope you stayed away from all the mature stuff that I write. 📏🧐

1-answer: Believe it or not TWC was my first experience with IF and while I was reading it, all I could think was how bad I wanted to do something similar, like writing a story that people could interact with and make choices. So I joined the forum, learned choicescript, and started working on my very first game The Burning Sun.

2-answer: No I never wrote any non-interactive stories. Interactive fiction is my first experience with writing for the public. From what I've learned about the publishing industry, non-interactive fiction authors can have a hard time finding publishers, and I don't think I could suffer through that process, it seems intimidating.

3-answer: No I never wrote any non-interactive stories. And I don't think I could write a story where I can't give the readers the option to make their own choices. Interactive Fiction ruined it for me. 😅

4-answer: The same as you, I would say, around 14, 15. But those are stories that stayed in my diaries or notebook and were never shared with anyone else. So Interactive Fiction is my first go at making my stories public, and let me tell you I have so many of them. I hope I'll end up writing them all one day and share them.

5-answer: All the time, why do you think I have so many side stories or other projects. As a writer, you are bound to have writer's block. The thing is when it happens, just don't let it stop you and just find a way to relax, give yourself a break, and do something else that you love doing. I wish I could follow my own advice, but... when I get Writer's block, my brain just defaults to write another story. I had writer's block writing the Midnight Saga, so I went on to write Insert Rich Family because it was a story that was more light-hearted and fun. I had writer's block writing Lemons, so I went on to write The Wedding because I wanted my brain to focus on something else. And the cycle continues.

6-answer: I don't. I'm a very disorganized writer, but... I recently applied to be a writer for Heart of Choice and they asked me for a full outline of a game that I pitched them. BOI did I struggle, because when I write my stories I have no idea what chapter 2 or 3 will look like, I just sit down and write and go with the flow. Having had to make a complete outline for the full game without even knowing what it would look like was tough, but... by the end of it, I loved and enjoyed the process and I think I will apply it in my writing from now on. I think having that bit of organization will help in the long run, especially when I have writer's block.

7-answer: No... I just sit down in my kitchen and write. I have a very active brain, so I'm always thinking and always trying to get stuff done. That's why I can do like 3 months' worth of Patreon content, then take a long break because after such high, I crash, then I get high for writing again, then I crash, lol. ll that to say, it's good to take breaks when you get overwhelmed.

8-answer: It's hard to give you a great answer for this because it will depend on what you like and what you're ready to tackle. I will say that writing IF can be challenging, so if you want to start with IF, start small. Try to code a small story, with just one or two NPCs or ROs beside the MC. See how you manage the branching and the development. Don't start big because coding different branches for different interactions can spiral out. I can't really say much about the non-IF part, but I think all IF stories start as non-IF. They only become IF when you start adding choices and branches. 💕

9-answer: I've been fortunate to stay out of some drama here on Tumblr, although my first one did cause me to get blacklisted and blocked from some authors and IF recs. OG readers will know what I'm talking about, and no I don't want to dig out that drama.

I'm grateful for the followers that I have and for every reblog, like, comment, and recommendation. I feel like I'm slowly getting some recognition and that is why I can spot new readers based on their asks. Some people might think I'm new, but no. I've been here a while, just took me some time to make it to your FYP. So how do I handle overbearing or overwhelming comments or asks? If it's something that I feel uncomfortable answering, I just block and delete it. If not, I answer it the best I can because sometimes people may be asking a genuine question, but in writing it, it might come off as rude. So, it's really a case-by-case judgment.

10-answer: Yes, I'm an adult, a millennial. 😭 so old. I went to college in my home country, Haiti, and my degree is in business administration. Nothing to do with writing. My current job which I will lose soon is in Human resources, so writing is just a hobby. But I would love to be able to do this full-time.

Thank you for all the questions and I hope your 2024 continues to be great. 🥰💕

[umbralsound-xiv]

Frosted Favour.

Our next sun together took us to the frozen north, to Mor Dhona and Coerthas. I had been to neither during my time in Eorzea, and had little idea of what to expect, save that it was cold. ...Thankfully, i had managed to find a coat suiting for the journey...

"I do wish this coat would have come in some other colour than white, but suppose i shall just endeavor not to get it dirty. It is certainly… Warm, mind." Eir remarked, as they walked the path onwards. "Barely a flake of snow to be seen. I assume that will change, when we get to Coerthas…"

Sayuri tilts her head, eyes lidded as her gaze rests upon him - lips curled into a small smile. "You look adorable." She hums, squeezing his hand. ".. It will."

Eir huffs, a small glow of red at his cheeks. "Adorable. I have not heard that one before. Something to do with all of this… Fluff, i am wearing." He'd almost be pouting if he could, walking further up the path. "You are always cute, anyway. You do not need fluff for such a description."

She flaunts a wide smile, raising her free hand over to him to lightly brush her fingers along the fluffier part of his attire. ".. Soft." She nigh whispers, before rising her gaze back up to his features and allowing her lips to form into a pout. ".. Nnno." She denies, childishly.

"Yyyyyeees." Eir replies, just as childishly, the pout of her lips inviting him in for a swift kiss. He pulls back with a grin. "Especially when you make pouting faces like that at me."

She meets his lips quite joyously, despite the pout that remains on her lips. His latter comment prompts the tip of her tongue to slowly slip past and poke his way. "..Nnnno."

"Mmmmyyyees." Another kiss, and before she can protest, he moves further onwards, where his footsteps slow to a stop. "…Such a… View… It is beautiful…"

Open, clear skies, and a towering structure of crystal. To see the world with her... I do not think i have ever enjoyed travelling so much. Of course, the purpose for doing so does not go without mention, too.

She merely huffs as they move on, squeezing his hand gently. Her gaze shifts across the area, settling on various areas on the back before seeking its way to the mark before them. ".. It almost looks like it's clad in ice."

"It… Does. But it is crystal, i think?" Burying the toe of his boot into the dirt; or trying to, he seems to test that theory. "…But it certainly is nice to look at. Even the tree is taken with it…"

Sayuri nods gently. ".. It's like the Burning Wall, only blue."

"…An… Aether scar, i think they were called…" Eir approaches the stone, and pulls out a sprig of lavender, which he sets before the mark. "See that no matter how many cycles i live, i will always choose to learn. Be that words of her language, or a recipe for her favourite food. I would learn it all."

"They are." She observes as Eir makes his offering, features softening at his words. She eventually approaches herself, extending a hand into her satchel to withdraw a small scroll tied with a bright blue band, which she slowly settles down next to the lavender. ".. I.. have no words fitting here, truly, and I apologise for it." She glances up at the mark, one ear drooping. ".. But I hope the offering will suffice, and be to your liking." She slowly withdraws, hand immediately seeking out Eir's.

His hand finds her own, offering a loving squeeze. "…We have said what we needed to. The next… Suppose i should steel myself for colder climes, hm? I know they will not be even half as pleasant as your cold…"

She glances up at him, offering a soft smile and a squeeze of her own. ".. I sadly can't warn you for how bad it'll be."

"…No worse than Garlemald, i imagine. I still remember losing sensation in my ears. No helmet would ever fit. I am surprised they are still attatched…"

I know even other Miqo'te that were not unscathed by bullets or magicks. Some lost ears... I... Do wonder, sometimes, how she lost her own...

".. I would not know. I.. feel neither heat nor cold." She pauses. ".. I -can- feel cold, but.. Something is usually incredibly wrong when I do." Her gaze lifts up to his ears, head tilting. ".. I'm glad they are."

"…I would be happier that you do not feel it, if to do so is because you are ill. And… Me too. It would make hearing much harder, if so. All this time, and the only holes i have put in them are the ones i have made myself." He reaches up, to tap an earring. "But there have been close encounters…"

"It doesn't happen often, thankfully." She offers a reassuring smile, offering his hand a comforting squeeze. ".. Well. Having a torn ear isn't particularly fun.. So lets keep it that way." Her own torn ear flick faintly as she speaks, her smile remaining.

"…Does it affect your hearing at all? I… Do not know. It does not seem to." He asks, wandering onwards. "…I could not even think for what it would be like."

Her head shakes lightly. "No, not really. I was more shocked to have lost it when I woke up in the infirmary afterwards." She pauses, gazing outwards and along the road as they walked. ".. Admittedly? I.. am not sure how it was removed, I was unconscious at the time. And the only other person that might know.. I don't want to ask." She grimaces faintly.

"I see…" He offers the smallest of frowns, thumb trailing over the back of her hand as he gives her a comforting squeeze. "I have always wondered, but did not… Ever want to ask. In case it brought bad memories. Scars rarely come with pleasant ones."

".. I don't mind you asking, about any of them. You're the only one who knows of all of them aside from myself. I have spoken to Bexy of them, but not.. shown them too much?" She offers a small shrug. ".. I was out in the Shroud with X'thia, at a time I was still attempting to create a relationship with her, and we were ambushed."

"And… You were unconscious…?" Eir asks, worriedly. "…But you survived. I assume the assailant is dead?"

She offers a small nod. ".. We lost the fight, I lost consciousness. When I awoke, we were in the infirmary, being tended to by.. G'rallin and Timur." She pauses. "..Timur being a Xaela who was in the East with me, he has since left, like the rest." Her gaze passes over to Eir, head sinking into a nod. "They are." Another pause lingers, as a small exhale leaves her. ".. It.. was shortly after Bexy's wedding, she was taken from us and we were given a body, altered to look like her." The memory draws Sayuri’s lips into a small frown. “.. We had a funeral and everything, and then.. the ambushes started. Nigh every sun, someone among us was attacked while out, even if we were not alone.”

"…How long ago was this?" Eir asks, but the alarm is clear in his tone; it's the first he'd heard of it. "…You thought her dead? Ambushes…?" He searches her gaze, for some kind of answer.

What... What horrors has she endured since leaving the East? I thought the Locket was dreadful enough, but to know there is so much more, i... ...I do not think now was the time to ask of it, but... I... Would like to know. I think.

".. Two cycles ago." She raises her head, looking over to him. ".. We did." Her ears flatten a touch, brows furrowing. ".. We started digging into it, and pulled up more questions than answers.. We.. realised the body we had was not her. She had been taken by some bastard from her own past, one who.. preyed on Miqo'te such as us, to my knowledge. All those who ambushed us were imbalanced Miqo'te."

"…I dread to think all you have been through that i have never known about…" His hand tightens protectively around her own, as they walked. "…Another reason why it makes sense that she is so… Protective, of you. If you had helped her in such a situation…"

She squeezes his hand gently, head turning back to gaze along the road. ".. When we found out who had her, and.. that he was after imbalanced Miqo'te.. Mist very reluctantly agreed to G'rallin, X'thia and myself to act as bait, to get.. captured, and break free once we knew the location they were going to bring us to." She slowly glances back to him, one ear drooping. ".. We had prepared with crystals of our elements, and broke free with relative ease. We rescued Bexy just a sun after bringing word to Mist."

"Gods, Sayuri!" His word is almost a scold, though his brows knit and there is sorrow in his gaze. He stops walking to throw his arms around her and pull her against him in silence, head buried to her own. A breath, then… And silence, as the words died on his lips.

Her ears flatten, an almost guilty look settling on her features at the sorrow. She's swift to embrace him as he pulls her in, her head gently pushing against him. ".. I'm fine, Eir." She speaks softly, rubbing her palm along his back. ".. I wasn't alone, and it was two cycles ago."

"I know… I… Know. Just…" He releases her to look over her, features twisted in some conflicted, guilty expression. "Just… Please. Be careful, if… If such a thing need ever happen again." His silver gaze settled with hers, then. "…I can not lose you. Not so soon…"

She smiles softly, her arms slowly withdrawing from their coil to raise up and gently cup his cheeks. ".. Of course, I have you to return to, now." She murmurs softly, tiptoeing as she sought to press her lips against his.

...To think she was ever so reckless, i... I hope she is more careful, now. To know i am here, home and waiting for her... ...To think it ever happened at all. It brings a swell of nausea in my gut at the mere thought of it...

His head settled against the cup of her hands, eyes lidding as her lips met with his own. "…And i will be waiting. Always. Or at least home soon after." A fainter smile, as he takes her hand back into his own. "…Shall we keep going? I think… I am beginning to feel the cold from the mountains…"

She gently squeezes his hand in return, keeping a warm smile on her lips. Her head sinks into a nod. "Lets."

Eir returns the nod, hand in her own, departing for the mountain path that would surely lead to Coerthas.

...We made way for the mountains, then. It was a fair walk, i know. But with each footsteps we drew closer... And when the faint flurries of snow began, i only began to think how long it had been since i had seen it...

Slowly but surely, the two venture through the mountain pass. The snow and cold of Coerthas becoming more and more apparent the closer they get to the border, until they officially step out into the snowy land. Sayuri casts the occasional glance Eir's way, to determine how well he's dealing with the cold as they walk.

"…Snow. It has been so long…" He holds his free hand out, to allow some to settle in his palm. He doesn't seem too discomforted by it, on account of wrapping up warm. "It reminds me of you." He smiles, gazing to her.

She offers a soft smile, head tilting. ".. Incredibly pale? Cold?" She snickers.

"Pale. Pretty. Nice to look at." He walks onwards, murmuring quietly. "Offers a painful death to anyone who underestimates it…"

She cracks a grin, an amused chuckle following at the latter part of his sentence. ".. Well that's not quite what I expected you to answer."

"Perhaps not, but it is the truth, hm?" His expression softens at her laughter. "You are a formidable woman in every way. Both in your kindness… And in your ferocity."

"..Well, to those who harm those I love moreso." She mumbles, offering the tiniest pout. ".. I'm not -that- kind. I am to you, because I love you."

"You are plenty kind. You could have continued running the Yakuza the way those before you had, but you did not. You took pity on those who had endured as you had. And even before you fell in love with me… You offered me friendship. You were kind to me, long before love."

".. Run it the way -Hayate- did?" The name leaves her with a hint of disgust, her features twisting into a grimace. ".. I would've rather given myself up to the Garlean Embassy, as he often threatened me with." She grumbled, pinning her ears back. She glances over to him, one hear slowly rising. ".. I still caused plenty of crime, even if there was some I offered kindness." She paused, gaze turning aside. "..Mostly children." She mumbled, kicking at a tiny patch of snow sulkily. ".. I -guess-."

"…That you did to anyone was enough." Eir squeezes her hand in his own as a quiet sign of affection. "You are kind, Sayuri. Or you always have been to me. You were under no obligation to help me, the first sun we met… But you did."

She returns a squeeze, glancing up at him. ".. I didn't do much. Help you get a shirt off, that was the extent of my help." She huffs faintly, leaning over to gently boop her head against his shoulder mid-walk, as she often does. ".. A boy ran up to me in Kugane, once. He.. asked me to kill someone for him, which.. left me kind of surprised, to be honest. A girl followed him, and apologised for him placing himself in my path."

"That is… Surprising…" Eir begins, brows knit. "…Did you?" He pauses, unsure whether he wanted the answer to that question, or not. "…You were plenty of help. You begun your talent for removing my clothes quite early." He snickers.

“… Yes.” She admits, glancing up at him. “.. I told them no, initially.. And sent a retainer of mine to follow up on the accusations of abuse they put on their stepfather. It was one of the few moments I would’ve preferred to find out it was a lie, and they simply did not like him. I.. took that a little more personal than I should’ve, I think.” A slow exhale left her, brow lofting at his latter words. “A talent I intend to hone.”

"…At least you did it for the right reason. Personal or no." Eir lofts a brow at her retort, barking a laugh. "I have no opposition to you wanting to better your skills. Just… Ah… Perhaps wait until we are home, on account of me not wishing to freeze to death…"

".. I made sure to have him hauled out of the home beforehand, I didn't want to traumatise the children." She mumbled, before managing a small smirk. "..Gods, Eir. I -have- restraint." She pouts.

"So you do. Not much, though." He teases, head nudged to hers as he entered the mouth of the cave. "…It is so… I have never seen ice like this…" He begins.

".. Three moons!" She blurts out defensively, only to smile and nudge her head back against his. ".. Besides, you're not much better than me in that regard." She murmurs, letting her gaze wander the cave.

"Nor do i care to be." Eir hums, moving behind her to briefly pull her into an embrace, mindful of the axe. "…This is… Halone, yes?"

Sayuri leans herself into the embrace, nudging the back of her head into him with a soft smile. “.. Yes. The Fury, Goddess of war. Patron deity of Ishgard.”

Eir takes a steadying breath as he looks upon the mark, and after a small squeeze, releases Sayuri to approach. A small metal button is left in the middle of the room; worn and tarnished with age, it bears a Garlean insignia. "…Halone. I have been at war once, and loathed every part of it…" Eir trails, lowering his head. "…But if i must ever draw my weapons again, to protect myself or those closest to me… Please, give me the strength to best them."

...A button from my old uniform. I... Still have it. Tucked beneath my bed. It... Feels like something i should tell her about before she finds it herself... ...I should probably get rid of it, and yet... Part of me cannot let go yet. It does not symbolise Garlemald or their regime for me, but it is more a marker of... My friends. The company i kept, then. When i was Angeir Pyr Rava, and all i had to look forward to was surviving another sun, and a warm cup of whatever was worth drinking, and... Them. ...Does... Anyone remember them? ...Anyone but me?

She offered a nudge of her head in response to the squeeze before he let go, quietly watching as he moved forth to settle his offering. Her gaze locks upon it, recognising the insignia even from afar - prompting the tiniest of grimaces to take to her features, albeit it fades quickly. Her steps soon sees her wandering forth, withdrawing a crystal from her pouch - a weak hint of icy aether swirling within it. She gazes at it in silence for a time, slowly closing her hand around it. “.. There is no God specifically for magic, yet.. With you as the Goddess of war, and your element being that of my own.. A part of myself that I use for battle..” She lowers her head a touch, ears flattening as she clutches the crystal tighter. “.. If it is within your power, please.. Help me overcome this restriction.. That I may use my abilities to protect my friends, my loved ones..” She lowers herself down to settle the crystal next to the insignia, soon standing upright and looking up to the mark. “.. Please.” It left her as a mere whisper, before a slow exhale leaves her and she turns to make her way back to Eir - a small frown on her features as she immediately seeks to coil her arms around him.

Eir wraps his arms around Sayuri at her approach, holding her close for several long moments. "You will not be this way forever, my love…" He whispers quietly, a hand shifting up to stroke through her hair.

Sayuri presses her head into his chest, tightening her wrap around him. ".. Perhaps not.." She mumbles, exhaling a slow sigh. Her ears twitch faintly at the motion, her body sinking against his a little further.

"…You will not. And even if you are… You will be able to defend yourself and others, still. But i doubt it will come to that, my moon." Slowly, he leans to press his lips to her forehead, where he lingers for some time. "…I love you. No matter what, yes?"

".. My aether will still react to my emotions.. It stirring will.. make it hurt." She lowers her gaze, frowning softly. ".. I will be more of a liability than help on the battlefield, if it remains this way.." Her eyes shut briefly as his lips settle against her forehead, a softer sigh leaving her. ".. And I you." She murmurs, offering a gentle squeeze.

"…It will not always be this way." Eir repeats quietly, giving her a final squeeze before he releases her to take her hand anew. "…come. We still have one more to visit this sun, yes?"

She hesitantly releases him, swiftly grasping onto his hand as it seeks hers out. She nods faintly, squeezing his hand. "..We do."

Leaning to press his lips briefly to her crown, Eir turns to walk onwards, then. "…The last for this sun is… Menphina, yes? Goddess of the moon…?" He says quizically, glancing to her.

".. Yes." Sayuri mumbles, drawing a deeper breath. ".. And of love." She returns a glance, tilting her head.

The moon, and love... That both go hand in hand in this realm is... A coincidence, perhaps? ...Perhaps.

Eir stares at Sayuri for a long, quiet moment, wordless. It's almost prying, as his brows loft, but the grin curls into one of mischief. "Perhaps you are not a Princess after all…" Eir begins, amused. "…Perhaps you are…" He stops, to turn and settle both hands on her shoulders, leaning down to her face. "…A Goddess?"

Her gaze narrows, brows furrowing. She keeps her stare locked upon him as he stops and turns her, only for her features to soften. An almost pained smile settles on her lips, brows remaining furrowed. ".. I'd be a poor excuse of a Goddess."

"What makes you say that? You have granted my every wish." Eir walks on, retaking her hand for the journey.

She merely shakes her head slightly, fingers shifting to intertwine with his as they move on.

"…Well, it does sound like something of a demanding duty. Perhaps you are my own personal Goddess. But i think i prefer the term 'Wife' better."

".. Having the power of one wouldn't go amiss." She huffs, leaning her head over to boop it against his shoulder, as she often does. ".. A wife I will be, at least." She pauses. ".. Yours, specifically."

"Mine." The way he says the word is a soft, warm thing. "My moon." He cooes, walking onwards. "…The snows are far fairer here than they are in Garlemald. But… Perhaps, it is because i am with you…"

".. My heart." She murmurs, managing a soft smile. ".. Does my presence make you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside?" She teases.

"Just as warm and fuzzy as this coat." He retorts, beaming. "…Yes. You make me feel a wide array of things. A lot more than what i have words for, certainly."

She snickers quietly, squeezing his hand. "Only good things, I hope."

"The best things. Happiness, comfort. Love. Safety. Many more things besides." He kisses her, again. "…Like i have a chest full of butterflies, sometimes. It is a good thing."

She smiles, squeezing his hand anew and wiggling her ears. ".. I'm glad." She murmurs, her spirits certainly having begun lifting since the last offering.

"How… Do i make you feel…?" Eir asks, in a sort of quiet, innocent way. He doesn't elaborate, but his expression belies some hesitation, walking through the snows.

".. Gods, I'll just sound like I'm reciting you." She gave a faint laugh, ears lowering a little as she, again, squeezes his hand. "..I feel a peace unlike what I have ever felt before when I'm with you. I feel comfort in your presence, and so much love and joy from every little moment we have together.." She pauses, glancing up at him.

Eir flushes a little from the colour of his cheeks, glancing away. "…That-- It is very sweet." He murmurs, head nudging against hers. Though with the growing blizzard, Eir hunches further into his shoulders. "…We… Must be close, yes…? I… cannot see so well from the snow…"

Sayuri smiles, nudging her head back against his affectionately. "It should be just up ahead, I think."

"So… I remember reading. I hope there is somewhere to stay not so far from here…" A shiver dances down his spine from the cold. "Somewhere… Warm…"

The cold was... Beginning to get to me, even through this warm coat. Letting go of her hand was not an option...

"..We should be able to stay in the camp we walked through.."

"…I hope so…" Eir murmurs, reaching the summit. The piles of stones first catch his attention, but it's the one furthest along that takes his interest. "…We are here. Menphina…" Eir repearts, looking over the mark. "…And that is… Ishgard?"

".. I'll throw some coin their way if need be." She gave a small shrug, glancing over to the city before nodding. "It is."

"…Like some kind of fairytale castle. I… Have never seen it in person." He looks upon the mark, considering quietly, before stepping forth. A mirror is placed on the snow, face-up. "…If it was you who saught to guide us together, then i have no greater thanks i can possibly ever give. Even in the darkest of times does the moon offer light… And so too does she. My love… My moon…" Eir trails, a little red in the cheeks. "…I would ask you to marry me again, if i had not already done so."

...All i could think to give her was a mirror. A flower would perish so quickly in the cold; all save for Sayuri, anyway. A circular mirror. Like the moon. I would give her the prettiest thing for her namesake; a reflection of all the things i held dearest. Her.

She smiles, leaning in to gently nudge her head against him. "I'd say yes again." She beams up at him, eyes lidding. Once she has decided to pull her gaze away from him, she lowers her hands into her pouch, withdrawing a small moon daisy which she settles next to the mirror. ".. Thank you, for giving me people who loved me, who I could return it to. For the people I proudly call my parents, for the woman I call my sister.." Her hand seeks out Eir's, her smile widening. ".. The man I will soon call my husband."

Eir warms at her words, gazing to her fondly. "…It always feels like there is so much more i want to say, only i do not have the words…" He glances down the road which they had arrived from, knowing he would soon walk back down. "…We… Should find a place to sleep, perhaps? Out of the cold…? Or at least… As out of the cold as we are able to manage. After tomorrow, at the very least we will have the comfort of our own bed. Or pillow pile, as it may be."

".. There isn't enough words to fully convey the feelings." She murmurs, leaning her head over to rest it against him. ".. We should probably find somewhere to rest, yes."

"…We should. And depart early enough in the morning for the Shroud… And then home. I have missed it… Even if we have only been away for a few suns. I know that sounds… Silly, perhaps. Though i have enjoyed my time travelling with you."

She nods gently. ".. It's been nice, but I'll be glad to be home as well."

As much as i am enjoying our travels... ...What i would not give, to be curled up in the pillow pile with her...

[inrecovery82]

The Start of a Journey

So here I am at the start of a journey. I hope this journey leads to recovery.

What is this recovery from?

Sex addiction.

Yes, I know there are many out there that will roll their eyes and say

"Shut the fuck up. You are just a horrible person"

Once upon a time, I'd have said the same thing.

It is so confusing.

I absolutely love, and adore my wife. I would do physical damage to myself to kiss her, help her, be near her, and make her smile.

In time, I may share more, but suffice to say, I've fucked up for the fourth time.

My wife found my activity on Monday morning and went to her parents that afternoon. I can't say I blame her.

I have some self-destructive tendencies.

From a young age, I've always enjoyed an adrenaline rush.

I'm impulsive. I have on more than one occasion allowed intrusive thoughts to take control and land myself in the shit. As I have got older, I've learned to ignore the majority of those thoughts. Most.

I overeat frequently (I'm morbidly obese).

My old job, I was somewhat militant. I would go through a cycle, where I'd be okay, then I would become argumentative and belligerent.

Eventually, I got to a point where I was openly hostile to one of the owners of the company.

But, this. This is different.

Different because EVERY time I indulged in this sordid behaviour, I would have a feeling of self-loathing. The secrecy, the lies and deception. It is a horrible place to be.

I know the question that will be asked

"Why? Why keep doing it?"

It is one that I have asked myself many times, which adds to that feeling of self-loathing.

I have attempted to stop the behaviour on several occasions, with varying degrees of success. I'll shut down all the profiles I had that would allow me to indulge in the behaviour. And I'd do well for a period of time.

Things would be good. Until it's not.

For me, it usually starts with porn on the internet or those shows found in the 900s on SkyTV.

Scenario:

Sitting in the living room, at stupid o'clock in the morning....

Wife still in bed, with 15 minutes until the alarm.

Alright. Light it up!

Done. Tissues in the bin. Feeling, not bad for the moment. Get on with the day.

And so it begins.

It escalates. I'm not ready to share to what extent, just yet.

But, I finally got an explanation last night.

For a while, I have accepted that I can't do this on my own, and sought help with Sex Addicts Anonymous - SAA. I was looking to reach out for quite a while as things were spiralling for me again. I was hoping that I could do something about it before my wife found anything and then, in time, tell her my issue.

Anyway...

It was described as the addict having shadows that follow them around that influence their behaviours, and explained to me that it is a vicious cycle, of self-loathing and gratification, to ease that feeling....

The issue is, that the gratification is very short lived, so the cycle continues, and grows. My Dark Passenger (thank you Dexter) gets louder, to a point I can't ignore.

Now I know the why, I need to understand the cause.

Then my recovery can truly begin.

Thank you for reading my ramble.

[zaraki-oriented]

How did you write the 11th Hour? Did you plot it out extensively? What was your process like?

I have been making my way through it and I am enjoying it so much!!!!

All the Zaraki/Unohana moments just make me go

AHHAHAHHAHHAHA

And how you seamlessly integrate other characters and the plot is so engaging, it all falls onto place so well! I love it🥰

I just would love to know more about your writing process!!

Thank you so much for writing and putting so much content out there! 💜

Oh gosh... oh wow... umm - I... have a process - and I plot out things a LOT. But I'm not a pro writer or anything. I take random skills I've learned and practiced from creative writing and script writing classes throughout the years and smush them together into something that works for me, I guess? There are things I can absolutely reccommend, but I dont' wanna sound arrogant or anythin' <3 Hmm... Welp, to be honest the first 2/3 chapters were actually written in 2011. It was a story I started back then and never finished. Then, a year and a half ago, I decided I really loved the original concept, despite the scary size of the World I was creating, and just... started tapping away. See, originally I had only planned that first interaction - the bounty hunt. Which might lead to Kenpachi meeting Unohana in the hospital - romance ensues etc. But instead of forcing an interaction, I decided to follow the plot of a 'villains return'. Pretty classic stuff - bad guy comes back, heroes reunite etc etc. By doing that, I was able to use the in character traits of each character to see what they would do next. e.g. Zaraki is kinda lazy unless something is a challenge. Ichigo takes action if it's a threat, or to do the right thing. Byakuya is aloof to an ignorant degree. etc etc. I mean... that's all pretty basic, and I don't wanna sound like I'm spelling things out to you if you already know them (sorry!) Skills wise, I should have been using three point purpose/action/result system per chapter, with defined character growth each arc - most likely along the 'Heroe's Journey' scale (cos it's easier to read) with a Man vs Man thematic. However, I threw all that shit out the window, and just wrote from the heart. My biggest helpers were my plot diary, plot board, reference imgaes and TIMELINE. Omfg my timeline saved me so many times. There's only one or two plot holes (instead of 10000) because of that thing. I DID keep to a three act system, however (Chapter 1-20, Chapter 21-34) Chapter 34 - Epilogue) - though it's veeery rough.

Also - a lot of late nights and early mornings around work. I would plot out the next chapter at work each day, tap a few notes in my phone, then sit down and write after dinner.

I'm a mad Kenpachi Fan - and KenUno is my OTP. I love any ship with Kenpachi... but this one holds a special place in my heart. I have so much love for all the other characters too! Even the 'bad guys' haha

Anyway - look at me rambling on! Thankyou so much for your thoughtful question, and I'm absolutely thrilled you're reading 11th Hour! It's an expansive universe, with 1x prequel and 2x sequels in the works. There is art getting released for it in 2023, so stay tuned!

All my love, and I hope you enjoy the journey it takes you on! <3

xx K

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

grace i want to Actuallg Learn how to play guitar SO BADDD like i have one. languishing in the corner of my room. but im so bad at like motivation and actual Keeping At It so every few months i tell myself this time its REAL and i play it for a week and then i never touch it again 😭😭 its bad out here...... ANYWAYS do u have like. tips and tricks perhaps....

OH GIRL I FEEL YOU SO SO HARD. This was exactly my experience around the time I got my guitar! I would sit down with it and learn + practice a few things, then put it down and only pick it up again weeks later!! Or even longer than that :0 It definitely did take me a While to get consistent with it, so I feel u 😔

This is something that I learned when I first got my ukulele, but it totally applies to like. every other instrument under the sun ajsgajssjsgs and the advice is: play it for at least five minutes a day. Doesn’t have to be any more than five minutes!! You could literally pull it out, mess with it briefly, then put it away & repeat the next day. The act of building “instrument time” into your day-to-day life does such wonders, truly truly. And odds are you’re going to start wanting to play it for longer periods of time + more often, because you’re getting more used to the instrument and are developing a fondness for it :)

When I first got my guitar, I watched these guitar lesson videos. They’re super introductory level (which was great for me because I had. never learned guitar before lol) and they helped me learn the Basics :) This same YouTuber also did a more in-depth series about ukuleles, and I have her to thank for me learning how to play that lovely little instrument!! Seriously without her I would Not be at the level I am today.

After learning the basics, I struggled finding another good online source for learning guitar (I did not want to pay for real lessons XD) so I kinda just… started learning individual songs, rather than general chords or techniques. I would look up the chords to songs that I enjoyed, and then I would try learning them :) Most chord sheets have little diagrams of what the chord shapes look like, so I just had to pay attention and Learn The Shapes with my own fingers!

And it was!! tough!! It was pretty tricky, and took me a while (again, because I was not paying for real lessons lol) but, slowly so very slowly, I began to improve! I began to feel more comfortable holding the instrument, more comfortable playing it, more comfortable with the shapes and the chords and the strums. And being able to learn how to play some of my favorite songs was happifying!

My answer to your question is quite jumbled and all over the place but!! I hope this was at least somewhat helpful!! I feel you so so hard Julia we are holding hands right now, but the things that I talked about here are all things that helped me in my strange little guitar journey, and I hope they can help you as well :) And if you have any more questions about guitars/instruments or wanna ramble about anything related to it, SEND ME MORE ASKS OR MESSAGES OR TAG ME IN POSTS I LOOOOOVE TALKING ABOUT INSTRUMENTS!!! SO SO FUN!!!

I wish you well on your guitar journey, my friend :] :D

[babayagainthemidst]

Exactly 2 years today. Got a doctor checked on me. That was a terrifying day of my life, tbh. 'Twas like 9 months before this very day of the same month(kapoya analyze uy😂) when I started feeling it, inside of me. But I just ignored it knowing I'm feeling healthy y'all though I kept on having episodes the following months(geek). The episodes stopped after the super lockdown I think, and rarely feeling it for the following months. But then somewhere before this month of 2 years ago(samuka sa pag analyze uy🤦) I got a super episode which I decided to see a doctor and checked on me (happy 2 years😂). The results was terrifying and my soul was like wanting to depart from my body(which didn't happen🙈). What I thought was something like just minor stingy but turned out to be the worst of all the worst. Nah! I was muted for the following days, was a bit lost, everything's empty and also the most frightening nightmare happened that totally wrecked my gasping heart. Everything went gray and the thought of me bearing it was totally sane and unacceptable. I decided to get a second opinion but the result's the same. Did my own research and made myself understand everything(this 3 consonant letters, not contagious tho but I'll be bearing it for the rest of my life😣). It's not curable but there is one thing that could stop the sting and episodes. Ek! I'm not into 'it' tho and still not seeing myself with that 'thing'. Due to what happened on those days I quite doubt myself and it was the first time of questioning my worth. That month and that year was the most nerve wracking event of my life. For the thoughts that wasn't heard, tears that was hidden, sleepless nights and I cried without sound like the silence alone is killing me. Every piece of me burst out and burnt down, left alone. Lost my job, distanced myself from my family, totally closed my doors, and I became someone I don't want to be, like someone from my past but more of no vision, was juggling of finding my way back and thinking of ending my life(which I didn't do anyway🥺). No warm hugs, shoulder to lean on, not a tap on my shoulder nor a single comforting words. Saklap! Like every inch of my body and soul was lost.

2/2

Words are better left unsaid, I felt that the real ones respected my silence but I know too well who among the real ones stayed and chose to understand my silence. But those days was the most trustworthy version of myself and no one really knows about it(my decision). Instead I did rise up, smiled and atta girl, gear up the best fitted suit I could ever have, bravery and hope. So it was never enough reason to bend down my knees and give up on my life. As time goes by and years came in my life I did understand everything, fully, being strong isn't enough if you lack passion in everything that you do. Despite every bad words I heard around, the never ending comparison and the head to foot stares jusme I don't care. I'm too tired with everything but I ain't giving a shit on giving up. We ain't cowards! All I know is that I'm doing what I want(with passion, panalo ako dito)coz it's not about how fast or slow I'd reached my destination but its about on how I enjoyed, learned a lot, accepting my flaws, forgiving myself and people, dealing with sudden twists and gaining self-love on my travel. I'm having a lot of fun and making sure I'll never regret my decisions(not rushing things but savoring every moments) and we'll never doubt myself anymore, ever. I am more than enough(says Ma🤗). Got the best support system and respect from my beautiful family and my few friends, this awesome life? dang! got my job and the never ending guidance from Him. So what else could I asked for? Yes, I do still maintain my medication and yakult's highest paid actor rn plus the patience I gained in this journey��. Looking back and seeing how far I've come makes my heart giddy🙃. Almost halfway there and still picking up the pieces of what's left in me but I know, I'll get there(wherever this life leads me)💯. I'm posting this to appreciate myself for being tough enough in facing the hindrances and getting through procrastinating times. I am and will always be grateful for everything. Yeah, I'm proud of myself. Here's to manifesting for greater life, healing with time, more of being independent, still not growing up🙄but growing old🙈and for a stable and peaceful mind. Cheers to that😉.

11/19/22

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

i'm so excited about you taking asks again ahhhh okay so. if you'd absolutely had to choose. what would be your top 5 cockles moments, and why? thank you ily <3

here’s the thing: there are so many routes i could go down with this, because cockles moments come in all shapes and sizes and formats. these include moments from their panels, their bloopers, the footage we get when they don’t even know they’re being recorded, stories being passed down from photo ops & autographs(one of my personal favorite ways to get cockles, tbh, because they’re all insane), and social media(tweets to each other, instagram posts & comments, etc.). 

SO! since many a list like this has already been made, and i want to stand out from the crowd, what i’m gonna do is definitively give the number one spot to each of these five categories.(i might even throw in honourable mentions because they’re so despicably in love that they warrant that. i really put my whole pussy into this, guys, i hope you’re happy.) 

disclaimer: these are my own personal opinions. but that also means i’m right. so. enjoy. 

number one: top cockles panel moment

so we’re starting off with a bang, because how do you even BEGIN to rank what atrocities jensen and misha commit at jibcon. every single one they’ve had is damning in it’s own right, for different reasons.

however, considering just how much unabashed fuckery they’ve given us to sift through, it’s a good thing i do have a personal favorite despite it all. it’s heartwarming, the sweetest thing i’ve ever seen, AND it’s jarringly cinematic - mainly because it has a whole ass arc to it that was years in the making. it might even be surprising to some people, but my favorite cockles panel moment, and what i consider the one that encompasses their entire gut-wrenching journey from 2008-2013 in the most sweepingly romantic gesture possible, is this one.

i want this burned into my retinas. i am not even joking. when i'm through with my explanation, let me convince you why this is thee most romantic cockles moment of all time.

first, some history: people call this the resume off, but many seem to forget the botched attempt at a resume off a year prior. and yes, you guessed it: it's during their break up. it's a juicy time period for a reason, guys. it came across as exceedingly one-sided and VERY awkward. let me refresh your memory as to just how bad it was, and just how hard jensen was trying and ultimately failing at winning misha over: the funniest part of the whole resume off in 2013??? every joke/bit had literally already been made/done. they were just going through the motions again, but the difference THIS time...is that misha reciprocated jensen's energy. it. is. fascinating. i want to get into it more detail in another post, and i'll link it here when i'm done, but the main takeaway, i think, and the main difference that showcases how much they've grown in a year, is that in jib 3, misha flat out refused to do an accent, and this time around, he indulges jensen for literal minutes. when i tell you they're crazy, they're crazy. i can't wait to actually dive into it later.

ANYWAY, the resume off culminates in this moment here. and, like, a million things happen in this gifset. actually, more like a million and one. the music starts playingneediremindyouthatthesongissingingintherain(h e l p), misha starts dancing, jensen 'perpetually fake grumpy' ackles lets misha think he's not going to join, misha sits down defeated, but no!!! that was jensen's plan all along(look at his stupid fucking smirk) and he offers his arm to his dance partner who immediately grins like a fool, jensen then leads misha into their kick step, they perfectly synchronise and let loose, and are then very clearly having the time of their lives, hanging off of each other with joy and ease. from their expressions alone i can tell that this moment is so. so. so. so! much more than what initially meets the eye. i mean-misha is fighting back the biggest smile i've ever seen. to me, it reads like jensen is offering something to misha, something that misha kind of gave up on expecting, and him offering his arm like that is like, a surprise to him in the best possible way(and it's so not platonic, let me just say that.) as soon as jensen did that, it ushered in a new era of cockles. this panel is jensen and misha's favourite for a reason, and i think this moment is the biggest clue as to why.

whew!!! ok. that took a lot out of me and that was only point one. moving on,

number two: top cockles blooper moment

cockles bloopers hold an extremely special place in my heart, because it shows just how fucking disastrous jensen and misha are. they are so goddamn infatuated with each other that they HOLD UP PRODUCTION ALL THE TIME TO FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER(???). let me repeat. let it sink in. jensen ackles; arguably one of the most professional actors on that show who puts everything he has into each scene, with mountains and mountains of notes to prove it: would rather hold up production to flirt with misha collins. this sounds fake. it's not. he does it. all. the. time. and here's the thing guys!!! i'm gonna let you in on a secret!!! misha loves it. he loveesssss it. on top of that-misha collins: overlooked because he's pranked and people assume he's unprofessional as well, but his only pranks are in retaliation/off-set, and he rarely if EVER causes problems if he can help it....lets himself get carried away when it comes to jensen making kissy faces at him!!! are you actually kidding me!!! i mean. misha. it's just a face. you've seen it a million times. i don't buy that it triggers something in you that strongly....you like it, and you like jensen's reaction. you can't fool me!!! lisa berry's face in that one gifset shows just how fed up the crew is with their gross, coupley boyfriend antics.

i could pull up so many examples. sooooooo many. but my favourite was sealed since the moment i saw it.

i actually already wrote an analysis on it but i can't find it :(((( which SUCKS because i really unpacked the whole thing. i'll try to summarise.

basically, a backstory is part of this too!!! jensen and misha both had a really really hard time with this scene(because it's explicitly romantic there i said it), they sat down for hours and poured over their scripts together, they were super super nervous going into filming, both of them, jensen especially, were super hard on themselves for their performances not being true to their characters but they both complimented the other's work(boyfriend moments fr). so, yeah. they weren't confident going into shooting. and how do they get themselves to feel better???? by cuddling each other, apparently.

a lot. a LOT. happens in this specific blooper. to the point that i saw it years before i knew about cockles and it raised all sorts of flags for me.

1) stop pulling my face towards your crotch(as a thinly veiled request that misha would, in fact, move jensen's face towards his crotch, considering it was jensen moving himself there in the first place. also, why so comfy down there guys???) 2) you're my baby daddy i know(in the most intimate voice i've ever heard please) 3) i know, i know, i love you too i didn't say i love you i know but you wanted to say it etc. misha's right, of course. that's what jensen meant.

it just reeks of comfort, familiarity and intimacy between the two, and it's a moment that is extremely sweet and silly at the same time. they're so <3

number three: top cockles found footage moment

WONDERFUL category. truly the culmination of the cockles experience. many people have said that shipping cockles doesn't work because 'they're just onstage you dummies!! they're playing it up for the audience!!!' here's the thing, love. i could not disagree with you more. once you climb your way up the cockles ladder, you soon learn that they are, in fact, playing their dynamic DOWN, not up. they really are just Like That™, and they could not care less about the paying audience, if we're being honest, considering how much time they take to giggle with each other and refuse to let the audience in on the joke. and i love them for it <3

anyway, my point is that this category is for all you naysayers out there, all you 'jensen and misha's relationship is just for show and is real life queerbaiting'(?????lordhelp???) oh yeah? ok, explain this.

he. he. he calls jensen sweetheart. literally enough said. there's nothing to really add here, except, misha and jared then immediately engage in damage control. jared's method is distraction and misha's is retconning('get out of the car, dude') this was what got me to buy into the cockles dumpster for GOOD good. you don't call your buddy sweetheart accidentally and sound so completely earnest while doing it! especially not when that buddy is jensen ackles!!! you think he would let any of his friends call him that? do you?

one more thing; if it was a slip of the tongue, little mouth thing or whatever, you think jared wouldn't have jumped on it immediately??? i can hear it now. 'did you just call him SWEETHEART???' yeah. that's what i thought. you know why he didn't? because it was too revealing.

number four: top cockles autograph moment

i mean, i think we all know what it's gonna be, and if you don't, well, do i have the piece de cockles resistance that is gonna send you over the edge.

if you haven't heard of this story by now, as a cockles, truther, i'm gonna go ahead and get you to read it, because there is no possible heterosexual explanation for any of it, and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

spoiler alert: it's the story where phones weren't allowed in an auto session, jensen nuzzles himself in misha's hair, leans his full body weight onto him, holds his hand, etc. etc. i'm imploding just repeating this back, actually. also, just, the sheer amount of stories from photo ops where they tackle hug each other or slap each other's asses or sing romantic songs to each other or almost kiss is, frankly, a lot. if i could wish for anything, it would be to witness them in person.

and finally,

number five: top cockles social media moment

this one is super difficult, because there's obviously a lot to choose from. but you know what? full send, i'm going with this one:

i just. what to say about this. how often do misha and jensen watch sunsets together for it to qualify as ‘always’ ??? why are sunsets synonymous with their relationship??? that’s like??? a very romantic thing????? ‘this guy’??? the fact that it’s a CANDID??? i don’t know guys.

that could have been better but i am TIRED so. there you go rose ily

[ask-canterlot-musicians]

End, Begin, All the Same.

Happy New Year, everyone! Well, 2021 sure... did happen. It’s hard to believe that so much could happen, yet it felt like no time at all. I would have written the year off entirely if not for the last three months or so of it. I finally found a job in my field, I started streaming, I was able to wrangle some commission work, things finally started to feel a little grounded. 

I wanted to share a few thoughts, and talk a little about how things are looking going into 2022. Sorry if some (or all) of this is repeated from prior posts, it’s hard to remember what I wrote when. 

I have been working on a game for the past few years, alongside job hunting, the Academy, and other general projects. It has been a great learning opportunity, and one that I have every intention of seeing to completion. However, a friend made me take a hard look at how I was managing my work and my life. Since then, I put the game on pause while I figured out a new path. Finding work in the game industry had been a crushing experience, years or trying to get noticed and never being given a second glance. So, I decided I needed to find other means to support myself. Streaming’s a big thing, so I looked at whether I could make that work. I’d pick up some part time work to keep things steady, I’d do some side hustles to supplement. In short, I was getting off the all-or-nothing job hunt track, and I was going to try a few different things and see what proved successful.

And then I got a job offer in the games industry.  (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

I of course took the offer immediately, and that was the right choice. I’m having a great time with the job, I have some financial stability, and I’m in the industry I’ve been working for years to be in. The downside, of course, is that I don’t have the freedom to delegate my time as I did for much of this past year. That’s not really a problem, since I was pretty bad at that anyway.

So, before I ramble any more, let’s break this down into a list. 

The Academy: I never really thought my little ask blog project would outlast MLP:FiM, and it’s been incredible to share it with all of you for this long. Between tumblr shooting itself in the foot a few years ago, and many fans moving on to other things in their lives, traffic isn’t as high as it used to be. All the same, I have a rough of idea of how I would like to see the Academy come to an end, and I want to share that ending with all of you. There may be days where I have to put other projects above the Academy, and miss some posts. There may be days where I just can’t think of a good page, or find the energy to make it, and I have to take some time off. I’m sorry, I wish I could get to all of it. What I will promise, however, is that I will not up and disappear. I do enjoy working on the comic, and I am glad I get to share it with you and make your day a little better. So I hope you’ll continue to enjoy the lives of our favorite musical ponies for a while longer.

The Game: “Pages” has always been a project burdened with too many expectations. It had to be a good portfolio piece, it had to be something I enjoyed working on, it had to be commercially successful to validate the work I was putting in, and it had to be something I got done in a reasonable amount of time. All of these things weighed heavily on it and myself, and is what resulted in that heart-to-heart I mentioned earlier. It did serve its role as a portfolio piece, since I was able to show some of the work from it to help land my job. And now that I have that job, it does not need to make lots of money and make it right now. One of my big goals for 2022 is to get it back off the shelf and start working on it again. I don’t know when it’s going to get done, but I look forward to sharing the considerably less burdened journey with you guys. Which leads me into...

Streaming: Like I said, I got into streaming as a potential way to share the work I was already doing, and maybe even make a little coffee money off of it. Being unemployed, I had the freedom to do streams at any hour of the day I wanted. That’s not an option now, but I did enjoy sharing the work with all of you guys. It’s something that I want to keep doing, albeit not as frequently as I would have done before. I expect it will be more of a weekend thing, maybe weekly or bi-weekly. We will see how it go, but do please keep an eye out. I will be sure to let you know when streams are going to happen.

I think that covers all the business points I wanted to get to. Thank you everyone for coming this far with me. It has been an insane ride since I started this blog in July 2012, and I would not have predicted how any of it would have gone. Still, I am glad to have shared it with all of you, and I hope to continue to share my work for a long time to come. I hope 2022 is kind to you, and that you happy and healthy. Be good to yourselves, be good to one another, and may we all find joy in the days to come. 

Gratefully,

Esuka

[puredramione]

My 2020 Reading List - Dramione

This year, I’ve read way more dramione than I’ve ever read, and I’ve been reading it for 7 years now. I even read things, tropes, I had never bothered with before. 2020 may not have been a kind year, but in the dramione community it has been a wonderful year of reading for me. Please be aware I may spoil some plot lines to dramione fanfictions you haven’t read yet. I have tried not to as best as I can. But anyway below is 20 fics I’ve read this year that have been there for me when I needed them. No particular order. Just a lot of love for these fics.

Wait and Hope - by @mightbewriting - memory loss is one of my favourite tropes but this story. I have never cried over a couch before. But this story. From the moment she first awakes in St Mungo’s to that beautiful ending, I was hooked. I loved how the story left me with not really a care about whether or not Hermione got her memories back. Those bloody text messages 💔 a journey I’ll never forget.

The Unofficial Diary of an Omega - MrsRen - my first time reading anything omegaverse. It still isn’t my favourite trope. I much prefer Veela for some reason 🤷🏻‍♀️ but overall it was a good story, just not my thing.

Apple Pies and Other Amends by ToEatAPeach - I actually gave up on this story the first time I read it. Unsure as to why because the story as a whole is just amazing. Baking and dramione? Yes please! Also dealing with their psychological trauma after the war? Heck yes! The relationship in this story develops at a lovely pace. There were moments I was on edge, others I was smiling ear to ear whilst reading this. Definitely one of my favourites now.

In Search Of Sunrise - @indreamsink - actually just reread this and I still get that warm feeling in my chest. So turns out my break up hasn’t made me lose the ability to enjoy dramione falling for each other. Anyway, the story was so heartwarming, like if I were to describe it as anything I would describe it as a hug. The best non-date fic there is.

Sex and Occlumency - Graendoll - this was the start of my slippery slope into reading smut stories. Like I had read smut before, obviously but I didn’t pay it much attention, normally just swiped past 😂 but this one was a completely different story.

Manacled - @senlinyu - this is truly the most beautifully haunting story I’ve ever read. I remember when I first started reading it, I thought to myself, how the hell could I ever ship dramione in this world? Then those flashbacks. Fuck those flashback chapters were a punch in the gut. The way everything links and connects. I love it’s realistic ending. I often think of this story in the shower cause I had to force myself to go shower whilst I read this cause I honestly couldn’t put it down. And SPOILER, but I laughed so hard at a certain characters death even though I probably shouldn’t have but she was such a bitch. I get flashbacks myself of this story. I’ll be in the shower and I’ll remember a certain sentence, a certain scene in my head as if I truly walked with Hermione on this heart wrenching journey. But fuck manacled Harry, I hate that boy.

He Becomes by @abromaposts - I needed this story. This was the first thing I read after Manacled. Draco Malfoy looking after rabbits with the sole reason being to get close to Hermione, yes please. Rabbits are my favourite animals. It’s just so much fluff. And after Manacled I was grateful.

The Right Thing To Do - @lovesbitca8 - this was the bookshop, slow burn, fluffiness I needed in the summer. The start of a truly wonderful universe. Idiots in love, I’ve never went through so much second hand embarrassment. Every interaction between Hermione and Lucius was fantastic. Especially the final one! Every character was written to a way that I loved them so much. Plus this story makes you think (like the rest of the series) it doesn’t spoon fed you information.

All The Wrong Things - @lovesbitca8 - I never thought I’d be into first person POV. The last thing I read like that was The Hunger Games back in school, many years ago. But I truly felt as if Draco were telling me the story. I love how it filled in things we never seen in the first story. I love Draco’s characterisation. Unlike TRTTD, this feels more lighthearted. Could just be the horny Draco though and his dramatics?

The Auction - @lovesbitca8 - this story. where do I start? When I started reading this story I was in a completely different life. This story has seen me through a terrible time in my life. Honestly the last few chapters before the final chapter were a blur and I had to go and reread them cause my head was all over the place but the story. This story, on it’s own, I would say is better than any fiction I’ve ever read 🤷🏻‍♀️ it grips you, pulls you in. Every question you ask, you get answered with a ribbon and bow. I cannot express my love, for this story and for the hard work that has went into it. The characters in this world so vastly different yet similar to the ones we already learned to love. I could write a love letter to this story.

Hindsight by @floorcoaster - if you haven’t been following this year long, monthly updated story, then you’ve really missed out. Each chapter is a month of the year. The story starts with Hermione planning to trim down her calendar for the year ahead. Although it’s fiction it gave me a sense of hope for my future. I had started this year on a different note than Hermione, and I’m now ending it on a different note as well. I think this story does a good job of capturing the passage of time and just how quickly things can change. I also really love these adorable idiots in this story.

Bring Him To His Knees by @willhavetheirtrinkets (WIP) - the best co-worker, friends to lovers, fake relationship story I’ve read. No question. I sent @magicaltraveler3 a tearful voice memo after that last chapter that was posted (chapter 20). It isn’t the first time I’ve cried at a fanfic, but it is the first time that I predicted something bad would happen, but I didn’t expect the bad thing to be what it was. I can’t wait to see where this story goes. At this point I have completely forgot about the murder plot. I know it exists, and we’ll get back to the murder but I’d honestly read the characters in this story eating breakfast.

The Flat In Bath by @adaprix (WIP) - this was the first story I got into that ada has wrote. Instantly I was fascinated with the use of “flat” over “apartment”. Being Scottish I knew this was someone British. Anyway, a very interesting story and I can’t wait to see how the rest of it plays out.

Good by @lovesbitca8 - I am dying for the update of this story. As so many are, it is 🔥🔥🔥 all I can say. I can’t wait for the update!

The Erised Effect by @adaprix - When ada first told me she was thinking about writing a story about Pansy and Hermione working in a sex shop together. Telling me about having the idea of them meeting in the pub and how she “needed to get some filthy smut out of your system”. I didn’t think it would be my thing. Boy, did she prove me wrong!

The Cell by WrathOfMacy - I don’t know how I came to read this one. But damn, this was a good one (who am I kidding they’re all good ones). I’m still reading through it though. It’s a warfic in which Dramione end up locked in a cell together. The relationship builds nicely. I cannot wait to read more of it.

The Melody Of Touch by @magicaltraveler3 - I never knew I needed a dramione story like this story. I love that there is so much musical imagery incorporated into it. I haven’t read anything like it before. The story, the smut, the taxi and the freaking art work. It is everything!

Every Day, a Little Death by @lovesbitca8 - I’ll be honest with this one. I read the first chapter and the last chapter 🙈 BUT only cause everyone scared me so much. I plan to revisit. SPOILER. I may not care too much that Hermione cheated. Just me? Like yeah I hate cheating and she shouldn’t have done it, but like she admitted to it, and was very regretful for it. Anyway, the chapters I read were very interesting I look forward to revisiting it sometime.

Away by @indreamsink - written for the romcom fest and I got to say I think this one may be my favourite from the fest. Not only do you get dramione but you get the amazing side pairing of Harry/Pansy, which this year has really became my favourite side pairing. It’s like reading two love stories at once, I was interested in the dramione plot line obviously, but I was equally interested in the hansy/potts&pans plot line.

The Path Unexpected by @magicaltraveler3 - this story is a cute little domestic dramione fanfic. And I lived for it. It shows dramione going through the process of having a child and honestly, they’re so damn cute in this fic. The fanart is next level also!

[lambourngb]

Day 2: AU get me out of here - places to go when canon is complicated

It’s Day 2 for @roswellnewmexicocreate, time to celebrate those stories that I turn to when I can’t deal with canon, or when I don’t have the emotional energy to untangle all the emotions I have for what’s going on in canon. Alternative universes, the safe harbor for us. Below are a mix of rewrites of canon, remixes of canon, or out right not even set in Roswell- to fill every type distance you want from canon- from near to far.

and the howl of the desert carries me home by @christchex​/ @michaels-blackhat​ (4,334) Alex runs into the desert to escape from his father with his guitar clutched to his chest. He plans to spend one last night playing before his father destroys it. Instead, he meets a cute boy with flowers in his curly hair and a lizard on his shoulder. He exchanges a song for a smile.

why i like it: I love everything about this story. Michael is totally a disney princess, and what a lovely way to save him from foster homes, but have him run away to the desert and use his alien powers to build his own little protective world. Looping in Nora’s plant powers like that, giving Michael a little animal friend, I love it all, but the show stealer is Alex Manes, playing music to coax the mystery boy out. It’s just incredibly soft.

***

Heartbeat series by @adiwriting ​ (133,000 - in progress) During the lost decade, Alex gets Michael pregnant and Michael doesn't see or hear from him again for the next four and a half years. When Alex comes back to town, he discovers he has a daughter with Michael and they all have to figure out how to be a family.

why i like it: it has it all, installments with angst, installments with fluff, I can find whatever mood I am in by just pouring over this incredible series. I really don’t even like mpreg, but in RNM, with aliens it seems a little more probable to me and bless Britt, she goes light on the details but heavy on the kid aspect of it. I absolutely love Alex in this story, he’s richly characterized as a man who is trying hard while wandering unfamiliar territory like aliens, like being a dad, like being Michael’s boyfriend, and he doesn’t always get it right, but he’s loved regardless.

***

tonight we are young @skinsharpenedteeth (8,137) Alex and Michael ditch the Evans' New Years Eve party to find their own fun and Alex gets his New Years kiss...(the underage tag is because they're both 17 in this.)

why i like it: I’m a sucker for teen!Malex, especially stories that take place before the shed. I love this little AU where Alex is thinking about making a move, but hasn’t yet. They are both adorable nervous babies, this feels very much how a softer teen!Malex first time would go. Perfectly characterized here, you can just feel the hopeful vibes they have at 17. I like to believe nothing bad ever happens to them again.

***

you shift on a gear (it’s been a long year) by @backinmybodymp3 (28, 362) “Good morning,” Michael says. “What the hell did you do?” Alex asks, exasperated. (or: There were times, in some of the lower moments of the past however-many-days it’s been, where Michael had thought about what it might’ve been like to share this time loop with someone. He never imagined— well, he never imagined it’d be Alex.)

why i like it: I love time-loop stories! And this is just superb. The friendship dynamics of everyone involved, the Liz/Max wedding, Michael being a good brother, Michael trying so hard to keep this bullshit from dragging Alex in and then Alex being his usual reckless self when it comes to Michael, I absolutely dig this canon-divergent au. you can feel how much the author cares about everyone on the show in this story, and they really nail the Malex dynamic. This story came along just as season 3 did and it’s a true antidote to the malex drought on screen.

***

the library by @arielana (9,657)  Alex had stopped too far away to hear exactly what they were saying, but their voices did carry over to where he was standing. The guy’s drawl had a melody to it that was vaguely familiar, but much deeper than the voice it reminded Alex of. God, that and the hair really brought some memories back.  Just as Alex told himself to stop secretly staring like a creep and walk over there, he turned slightly so that Alex got a glimpse of the side of his face.  Fuck!  Fuck, fuck, fuck! Twelve years ago Alex left Roswell to join the Air Force, nursing a broken heart and promising to never return. When work brings him back to New Mexico he runs into someone he’d been sure he’d never see again.

why i like it: the first kiss in the UFO emporium was groundbreaking, but I have to admit, I love stories that explore the almost-happened, where Malex reconnect as adults without the shadow of Jesse’s attack. I love how sharp Alex is in this story, he has all these walls as an adult built from that first rejection, but then he’s so completely unprepared to reconnect with Michael again. The clownery in this story by both of them is perfect! I also totally love Forrest as a gay best friend for Alex, trying to wingman Alex, that cracked me up.

***

stellar light based life by @jocarthage (30,651) It’s not a memory if it’s something you see every day. It’s a trigger and it’s not one Alex wants to ever let go of.Alex saw Michael disappear into a blinding blue light, soft 17-year-old body pulled back into some kind of impossible vortex -- one hand, outstretched.

why i like it: another submission from 2020 RNM Big Bang, this story just wrecked me. I can’t even really put into words about how it hooked me and basically lives in my head now to the point I often mumble the first line to myself. Anyway, this AU takes a right turn at the shed attack, and goes full force scifi and tragic separation, I love it. In so many ways it reshapes Alex’s life but the core of who he is never changes, there’s so many great science geekery details about Michael’s planet and the astronaut journey that Alex takes, plus SANDERS... anyway, this is a fandom classic for me.

***

Crossed Wires by @beautifulcheat, @ladynox (15,351) Michael's been kicked off more than one Starfleet posting. So when he learned he was reassigned to the USS Roswell, he decided that he would keep his head down and behave. This decision is immediately thwarted when he meets her hot Vulcan captain.This might be the first time Michael got kicked off a posting for flirting with a captain.

why i like it: Star Trek AU? I’m pretty easy. Seeing elements of Kirk and Spock’s tragic backstory blended into genius mechanic Michael Guerin and ice prince Alex Manes was amazing. I love how it’s serving with his family that brings Michael to the Enterprise, his bond with Max and Isobel was chef’s kiss good. The blend of Michael’s powers and Alex’s biology - I loved the balance even if it came with its own misunderstandings, but hey, this time it was cultural! lol

***

I’m still here by @vague-shadows @pippsmcgee  (35,928) Treasure Planet AU in which Michael is the gifted young delinquent who found a treasure map, and Alex is a space pirate pawn in his Father's obsession with riches and legacy.

why i like it: I’ve never seen Treasure Planet, but I didn’t need to thoroughly enjoy this AU. This was the perfect mix of angst and sci-fi adventure, where the authors managed to make the shed even more horrifying. Jesse Manes is the absolute worst in this story, the levels of obsession he goes to find a treasure, and then Michael on his own collision course - the ability to write tense action is a gift, and it’s on display in this story. Cyborg!Alex took up a place in my heart and still lives there, where he only gets the nicest things.

If you like any of these recs, please leave a comment on the story or a kudo- a  ‘this was awesome’ is enough to propel an author into the stratosphere with happiness, so don’t worry about coming up with a unique, never before shared insight- sometimes a keyboard smash and emoji makes all  the difference!

[mittensmorgul]

it’s a bummer to see you can’t enjoy the ending. I hope someday you can come around it it. It wasn’t perfect but it didn’t nuke its integrity. i think the heart of the show really shines through and it’s a shame that it’s not being appreciated bc there’s so much shipping drama 😣

Hi there!

I... first of, I really need people to understand this... the travesty of the finale for me has almost nothing to do with “shipping drama.”

Yes, I see the wild conspiracy theories flying around, and I’m honestly concerned for some of those folks and hope they can find a way to make peace with this in whatever way they can, because we aren’t likely to ever get a better answer than that this is legitimately the ending that Dabb thought was best, despite years of us seeing the best of his writing choices and guiding Sam, Dean, and Cas to grow past the roles that Chuck would’ve forced them to fulfill, and that at the end it fell flat because he couldn’t actually come up with a better ending than “this was always their destiny, free will is a lie, and these characters had nothing outside of the revenge quest they’d been raised for since birth and manipulated into over and over for the entertainment of a vengeful god.”

I can see how “surface level” viewers would feel that this one basic narrative point was satisfying, that Sam and Dean had grown beyond their own hopeless cycle of self-sacrifice that had driven the narrative for so many years. The fact that they both acknowledged that they should allow their stories to end in that way was satisfying... but only in the shallowest and most detached read of the narrative. Like, is this really the ONLY thing these two characters learned in the last 15 years? If so, that is BEYOND depressing af.

And even THAT message lost all narrative weight when the two of them were once again reunited in death, as if nothing else had ever mattered in their lives. As if neither of them had ever outgrown the codependency that had driven so many of those previous self-sacrifices and refusals to let go of each other even in death.

So yeah, in the absolute most basic sense, I suppose I can see how casual viewers or people who aren’t actually invested in these characters could find that at least narratively coming back to a starting point.

But narratives don’t actually work that way, and that’s not the point of watching fifteen years of story develop in between.

This story wasn’t JUST about Sam and Dean needing to accept that death might be okay actually.

This story was also about free will, fighting for humanity as a whole but also their OWN humanity and self-identities. In Dean’s case, the absolutely transformative growth from feeling like nothing but a hammer, a killer, a tool to be used. And then less than an episode and a half later, after finally accepting that truth into his heart and using it to defeat the original creator and reclaim the story of his own life for himself... he gets pied in the face after flippantly talking about his destiny and having no choice, and then three scenes later he literally dies impaled on a great big nail... like a hammer...

So I would kindly ask folks who feel satisfied by that shallowest possible takeaway of this episode, and maybe invite folks to look just under that surface. Try to understand why loads of us will NEVER feel satisfied with this ending, and why it truly does feel like the most hopeless version of the story. Like even in defeating Chuck, they could never be allowed to own their own stories and what happened to them after that point was just a twisted version of the “destiny” that drove Chuck’s entire plotline for them anyway.

Please understand where we’re seeing this as horrifically painful irony rather than some beautiful circular narrative about letting go.

For a lot of us, the shipping stuff would’ve been the cherry on top of the sundae. We would’ve been happy with a scoop of plain vanilla, though. We would’ve been happy for anything that honored the journey to freedom, and the choice at any sort of a different life of their own making than literally falling back on a nail fighting off one of John’s unresolved hunts and a vampire who had literally never been named in canon before, yet who Dean instantly recognized somehow... 

but sure, for those of us who felt that “the heart of the show” was all the stuff that the finale actually erased-- that “family don’t end in blood,” and that this was actually not a show about just two brothers but the love of their found family and coming to terms with the choices they actually HAD made for themselves versus the narrative that Chuck kept centering them in DESPITE what they would choose for themselves, the finale basically told us no, everything you ever found of value in this story actually meant nothing. It told us that Chuck’s story for them was their only truth in the end, and their only freedom was to be found in death.

Please, I am begging people, stop trying to gaslight us that this was some beautiful ending. Maybe think for a second that “your read” of the narrative that allows you to find peace with the ending is not what we saw and loved about this story for the 326 episodes leading up to this finale.

And please try to understand that we were not wrong to see the entire narrative through this lens. Because we were literally validated IN CANON, and told that we understood the depth of the story and the characters just fine, actually. There’s literally ONE episode of the entire series that burns it all down in a bewildering pile of wtf. And that’s #327. That throws that entire read out the window to well actually us all back into Chuck’s literal ending... This was literally the ending Chuck wanted to force them to enact for him, and it’s what ended up happening even after they defeated him-- the ultimate Big Bad of the entire series should’ve been defeated, but instead he pulled off one final victory over the entire story.

Becky: No. You can't-- Chuck: I did. Becky: Y- This is just an ending. Chuck: Yeah. I don't know how I'm gonna get there, but I know where I'm goin'. Becky: B-But it's so... dark. Chuck: But great, right? I can see it now -- "Supernatural: The End". And the cover is just a gravestone that says "Winchester". The fans are gonna love it. Well? Becky: It's awful! Horrible. It's hopeless. You can't do this to the fans. What you did to Dean? What you did to Sam? Chuck: There, see? It's making you feel something. That's good, right?

and

Dean: Well, what now? You're not gonna dust us. Chuck: Oh, yeah? Why not? Dean: Because you're holding out. For your big finish. Yeah, we know about your galaxy-brained idea, how you think this story is gonna go. Sam got a little look into your draft folder. Chuck: Sam's visions -- they weren't drafts. They were memories. My memories. Other Sams and other Deans in other worlds. But guess what. Just like you, they didn't think they'd do it, either. But they did. And you will, too. Dean: No. Not this Sam. And not this Dean. So you go back to Earth 2 and play with your other toys. Because we will never give you the ending that you want. Chuck: We'll see.

And even in DEFEAT Chuck thought he understood these characters, thought that having rendered him powerless they would finally take their revenge and kill him, but they didn’t, because he never actually understood these characters at all. And the story he tried to force them into from day one was never about THEM, it was about HIM. 

And then Dean gets like two whole days of freedom and choice and is apparently incapable of making any of the choices that don’t throw him immediately back into Chuck’s favorite story. Like none of that resolution in the previous episode meant anything at all. He even SAYS it in the finale:

Dean: Yeah, no. I think about 'em, too. You know what? That pain's not gonna go away. Right? But if we don't keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing.

And then two scenes later the show gives us the Nelson Muntz HA HA and Dean is no longer living, and Sam is left to carry on as a shell of himself and wander off into Blurry Wife Land to devote any even remotely content moment of the rest of his years to raising a  Replacement Dean to fill the void, and is never able to pick up the pen to write anything better of his own life than Chuck would’ve dealt him in the first place.

So I’m glad that top-layer takeaway is sustaining and enough for you. It wasn’t, and will never be enough for the rest of us.

What was actually real in all of this? We were.

Until we weren’t.

And that’s honestly a shit message to be pushing on people in the wake of it all. So please stop.

I should actually thank you for the kind intent with which your message is phrased, but that doesn’t make it feel less hilariously awful. Though I chose this one to reply to as the least insulting of all the messages currently in my inbox on this subject. So thanks for that, at least.

[talesofafangirlwithadvr]

April 2021 Picks

And we’re back with the end to another month. April! Wow! Lots more great picks to talk about this time. Lots of new ones to the list too. So, let’s dive in!

Spoiler territory ahead!

THE FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLDIER

or should I say Captain America and the Winter Soldier

I just finished the finale last night, so it felt right to start off with The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. I really enjoyed it and I feel the episodes got stronger as the series went on. Each one felt like a mini-movie and I was upset it was over and had to wait another week for another one. I think the finale was my favorite. Especially the reveal of Sam as Captain America. I love his suit, his speech and the montage of everyone watching him. The last part of the episode was definitely my favorite and one I can watch on repeat. I loved seeing happy Bucky and him goofing off with the kids in Louisiana. He deserves so much happiness as he has now accepted he’s no longer who he once was. Bucky and Sam’s relationship is fantastic and I can’t wait to see it more. I know there’s a possibility of a second season and they have to be in a future MCU movie. Regarding the villain, I feel I was confused for most of the show as to what their objective was. I’m curious if this is because they had to reshoot parts during the pandemic. I also am mad with Sharon. Like what happened with her? She is definitely the true villain of the show. I also don’t love that we haven’t seen the end of Walker (but Wyatt Russell did a fantastic job). I also loved Torres and I hope he becomes the next Falcon. Definitely so different vibes from Wandavision, but just as good!

THE IRREGULARS

This is a show that more people need to be talking about! It was SO GOOD! I feel like I heard some buzz about it when it first came out, but not much after. It follows the teens featured about who live on the streets during Victorian London. The leader of their group, Bea gets approached by Dr. John Watson (that’s right...as in Sherlock and Watson) to take on a case that has more supernatural qualities. The story takes off from there. I think the group dynamic was fantastic. There wasn’t a character I didn’t like and each one brought something else important to the group (which they even bring up towards the end of the show). [I’ve watched a few cast interviews since finishing the finale and they seem like they get along really well in real life too.] There is a kind of love triangle, but it didn’t bother me and was over fast. I did like both combinations though. Lots of twists and turns along the journey. I have no idea if there will be another season, but there should be. It didn’t end on a major cliffhanger, but definitely ended in a way where it could continue nicely. Come on Netflix. 

HBO’S THE NEVERS

From one show set in Victorian times to the next. The Nevers just premiered on HBO and HBO Max earlier this month. It follows an ensemble of characters, similar to other HBO shows, ranging from characters who are called “the touched” to men in government who are against them. Being “touched” means they have a special talent or power, which can range from healing to speaking other languages, being extremely tall, or being an expectational inventor (I seriously love Penance. I just don’t know how to explain her ability). Amalia True and Penance Adair are two of the main characters and they help bring in others who are touched to a remodeled orphanage that is a safe haven for people like them. Of course there are those who are against them existing. This seems to be at least two groups as someone is abducting and experimenting on some of the touched, but we don’t know who they are...yet. I love the fusion of a historical setting with a fantasy element. I am very excited to see where the show is headed. I also love seeing so many of my favorite British actors on the screen together.      

ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND

Time for a throw back. Fans of ABC’s Once Upon a Time might remember the short lived spin off following Alice in Wonderland (and some of Aladdin). It only lasted for one season of 13 episodes, but I remember loving it and I am so happy I can rewatch it on Disney Plus. It reminds me of why I enjoyed OUAT so much and I think this show deserved another season or more crossover with the original show. (Luckily the Knave got that opportunity.) I think it should have aired as a summer show or when OUAT was on hiatus, this way more fans would have tuned in. It is something I’ll believe forever. 

Anyway, I’ll stop ranting now... I love Alice. I think she’s a badass and a fierce warrior. If you follow some of my posts on my other blog, Lydia-yougowith-Stiles, you’ll know that I love a warrior romance and Cyrus and Alice fit that perfectly (even if they are apart for much of the series). I also love Alice’s hair and outfits. Everything about her is cool. Her relationship with the Knave is one of my favorite friendships ever. I think they balance each other out so well and how they spend most of the journey together. Back in the day, I totally shipped them, but now I definitely don’t. (Even though I don’t love Anastasia.) This is definitely worth the watch if you’ve ever heard of Once Upon a Time or not. There is very cheesy CGI especially for 2013, but once you get pass that you’ll love it. 

ZOEY’S EXTRAORDINARY PLAYLIST

It was on a longer break than I expected, and I didn’t miss it as much as I thought I would (which I know doesn’t sound good for a show), but I am still loving all the episodes this season. It feels like there are more musical numbers, which I love. Mandy Moore is killing it with the choreography. There are so many amazing moments. I also was a big fan of the newest glitch episode. Everyone is so talented and I also like that we’ve started to hear from more like Jenna and Tobin. Leif has become one of my favorites. I don’t love the new neighbor next door, but I think we’re done with his storyline. I’m not loving the Zoey love triangle, but I do like her with either Simon or Max. She seems really happy with Simon now. (FYI: I haven’t watched the most recent episode yet. The glitch one was my latest.) Can’t wait for more!    

KUNG FU

CW’s newest show this month was Kung Fu, which I just learned was a reboot. It follows Nicky who returns after 3 years to her home in San Francisco. Her family has mixed feelings as she has had no contact with them for the last 3 years. She is now a Kung Fu master and warrior, out to avenge her mentor’s death and stop a villain from acquiring mythical weapons. The show gives me Arrow vibes every time I watch it. It has similar flashbacks each episode to an earlier time in Nicky’s life. While Nicky’s mission is different, the style just gives me early seasons of Arrow vibes, which I am not complaining about. It stars Legacies’ Alyssa Chen, who I didn’t love on Legacies, but instantly fell in love with Nicky. I think she’s a bad ass character and love how she’s fighting for the underdogs on the streets of San Fran, while also taking down a bigger evil. The love triangle is heating up and I’m definitely team Henry (even though there’s some mystery there). I think he’s great and once again we have an awesome warrior romance. They balance each other so well and it’s only been like 3 episodes. Now they’ve also been sleuthing together and it’s just amazing. 

NANCY DREW

Are you sick of hearing me talk about CW’s Nancy Drew? I hope not because I’m going to fangirl again. I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH! I can’t wait till Wednesday comes and I tune in a little after it starts, so then I can fast forward on my DVR. Then when the episode is over I basically start it all over again and watch select scenes that were awesome. (More specifically, they tend to be Nancy and Ace scenes because I love them and we’re entering so much angst I don’t know if my heart will be able to handle it!!!) 

I’ll say it a thousand times: THIS CAST IS EVERYTHING! Their dynamic is amazing. You can have any match ups and it’ll be a great time. There is not one person I don’t like. I was so upset that there wasn’t a new episode last week (especially because it was my birthday). I loved the last one with the Hardy Boys and that Nace reveal! OMG! I’m so sad that Grant has left again because we barely had him, but I feel he’ll eventually come back. He has to. I loved the ending when he spoke to Thom by signing to him. (My heart!) I seriously can’t say enough great things about this show. It is not your typical CW show and deserves more love and views. So happy a third season has already been confirmed!! 

LAST NOTES

Just started Shadow and Bone on Netflix and am loving it! I’m sure I’ll have an entire post dedicated to it when I’m done. (Currently going to start episode 6.) I have no background on the universe or the books (just what my sister is filling me in with as we watch). I definitely plan on reading Six of Crows after this!

So what are you enjoying? Let me know. I’m always looking for more shows to add to the list! Can never have enough. 

[another-cancer]

Chapter Eight: What's a period?

First Previous Next

Masterlist ao3 

Summary:

Trouble is brewing back at the order as Marinette learns some awkward information in Gotham.

Notes:

Back from hiatus!

Welcome back friends, with a revised outline I can finally confirm the story to be sixteen chapters! This story has grown a lot from the original Maribat march outline that started it all. Thanks for joining me as we continue this journey.

Updates will be back to the regularly scheduled Tuesdays.

This can also be found on AO3 @another_cancer and Wattpad @another_cAnCeR

Enjoy!

///

Stealing was almost second nature to Marinette. After leaving the order, burglary became her way to survive. With her skill set, it was easy. After all, all, once you kill people to survive there isn’t much that is considered challenging within the realm of crime. It was an outlet for the violent side she developed with the order. One that didn’t cause any real harm. She stole from the rich. They weren’t missing any of it anyway, and half the time that didn’t even notice.

She typically pawned the items off to the strangest people and never to the same one. While she may be dead as Ladybug, Marinette has contacts all over the world. Under false names of course. She was extremely paranoid. The girl could rival Batman in paranoia.

On one particular heist, she had a run-in with another thief. However, she wasn’t quite concerned about her surprise partner when Catwoman was standing in front of her.

“Hello,” Catwoman said with curiosity.

Marinette just stared.

“Quiet, huh, well either way that bag looks pretty full, hope you won’t mind if I take from this place too.”

Catwomen took jewels, that was a lot more noticeable than the stuff Marinette took. It would leave a trail. A trail Marinette didn’t need to be connected to her.

“Please don’t take anything noticeable,” Marinette mumbled.

“What was that kitten?”

She repeated slightly louder, “Please don’t take anything noticeable.”

“But what would be the point of stealing unless to piss off the rich people who live here?” Catwoman asked with a grin, “Unless you’re taking for your own personal gain.”

Mental note: Catwoman didn’t like people stealing for their own gain. Marinette wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

“I have kids relying on me, I can’t let this shit trace back to me,” Marinette carefully explained.

Catwoman examined Marinette. Truly taking the girl in by slowly scanning her body. She noticed the slightly raggy clothing she wore. Marinette didn’t wear a mask which made her look like a bit of an amateur to Catwoman. However, when the woman arrived at the house earlier no alarms had been triggered suggesting the girl did a good job sneaking into the house. It was risky, the girl clearly wasn’t new to this.

“You live on the streets,” Catwoman said.

It wasn’t a question, just a simple statement.

She continued, “You’ve stolen before. And you aren’t native to Gotham.”

All statements.

“Correct,” Marinette simply offered in return.

“Fine, let's get out of here and you can explain more to me,” Catwoman said as she headed the way she entered.

Marinette followed. She wasn’t quite sure why, but it felt like the right thing to do. On the other hand, Marinette was confused by the fact the notorious thief ended up taking nothing, had the woman really been so easily convinced by her.

///

B a c k i n T i b e t

“Masters,” a teenager greeted as they were welcomed into the elders' chamber.

“[REDACTED] you have been called upon by the gods, we hope you will accept the honor and visit them. They will give you a mission that you shall complete.”

Once again the unspoken words being: if you don’t do it you die.

“Thank you, I will visit them immediately.”

No one was ever called upon by the gods. At least no one is normal. In [REDACTED]’s lifetime, they could only remember one person who ever got the chance to meet them. Ladybug. And now Ladybug is dead. [REDACTED] assumed they were becoming the new golden child. Oh, how wrong could they ever be.

///

B a c k to G o t h a m

They were in a warehouse, mostly abandoned. It would be a good place to kill someone. But Catwoman wasn’t going to kill her and Marinette gave up that lifestyle a long time ago. In conclusion, no one was going to be killed, but Marinette’s paranoid brain kept reminding her this would be a good place to kill someone.

“How long have you been stealing?” Catwoman asked seemingly out of nowhere.

Against her better judgment, Marinette replied, “When I was nine.”

“You’re a runaway.”

“Technically an orphan, but runaway also works.”

“You're not even from around here, god the whole system is broken if kids not from Gotham are running away to Gotham,” Catwoman muttered.

“I’m not a kid,” Marinette corrected.

“You look ten, you’re a kid, who is looking after other kids, god that makes it so much worse.”

“I’m sixteen,” Marinette lied, she wasn’t going to give the woman her actual age.

“I wasn’t born yesterday, you’ve barely hit puberty, kid have you even gotten your period yet?”

“My what?”

Shit. She did not mean to ask that out loud.

Catwoman didn’t expect that. Fuck how was she supposed to explain puberty and periods to this girl?

She decided bluntly, “It’s when you bleed from your vagina.”

“That’s natural? I thought-”

It had never been explained to Marinette in the past. She thought something was wrong with her, but then it stopped. It had only happened twice so far, and the bleeding was always fairly light.

“Kid I think it’s time you had a talk.”

Catwoman gave a basic rundown on periods and puberty, she even pulled out some pads and tampons she had stored in the warehouse. By the end, Marinette had a bag filled with period products and a new talk to give some of the street kids.

“I never caught your name,” Catwoman said.

What the hell she had already told the vigilantes mine as well tell the rogues too. It’s not like they would be able to find anything on someone who doesn’t exist.

“Marinette.”

“You’re a good thief Marinette,” she complimented.

“Thank you.”

“I’ve been considering taking in an apprentice lately, you know, try and imitate the bat a bit. And you're the girl who keeps picking fights with Scarecrow right?”

How the hell did she know that. Never mind, it didn’t matter, Marinette had to turn down the offer anyway. She worked alone and wasn’t interested in being a sidekick.

“I won’t be your sidekick, I have things of my own to worry about.”

“Aw too bad, I was really hoping you’d say yes, show that Bat he’s not the only one who can have a bunch of kids following him around, but I get it you gotta keep yourself safe and those kids you said you look after. Good luck!”

And with that, she was sent on her way. What a strange day.

///

B a c k i n T i b e t a g a i n

“Tikki, are you sure about this?” Trixx asked.

“I am sure,” they replied, hushing the other god, “Lila Rossi please approach.”

The teenager kneeled.

“Lila Rossi, you have been called in front of the god due to your mastering of illusions. My chosen Ladybug has managed to gain balance in her soul. Ladybug now holds destruction that rivals creation. You will retrieve her from Gotham City and return with her alive. Do what it takes as long as she lives.”

Lila was stunned.

“But Ladybug is dead.”

“You humans are fools, she never died, I allowed her to roam without informing anyone to see if any of you incompetent fools would notice. However, she has gotten too powerful recently,” Tikki explained.

“I understand,” she stuttered.

Trixx moved to the front of the room, “From this day on you will leave behind the name Lila, and you will become Volpina.”

There was a bright light and then darkness. Volpina was outside the chamber.

“Lila,” an elder started.

“Volpina.”

There was an understanding, the elders bowed down to her, and Volpina’s mission started.

///

“I really don’t like this sugar cube.”

“I don’t remember asking for your opinion on my chosen, Plagg,” Tikki sniped back.

///

Notes:

Next week: Marinette has a couple of stalkers and a backstory that goes further back than she remembers.

[sukirichi]

• Honestly, I can't wait for the climax. When everything crashes down and all the raw emotions come spilling out.

• I agree with the prev ask saying MC doesnt have to be a girlboss I too am a hopeless romantic. Sometimes we suffer at the cost of love.

• As for the new chap, I am infuriated by Suna's character but its two sides of the same coin since he's willing to risk it all for love too. I would want to see Kita with a happy ending :( he's such a soft boy we need to protect him!!!

• I anticipate that you will write this as a slow-burn as i'm already feeling it in my GUT and we're only 3 chapters in. I am so invested that I read during work as soon as I see your new chap notification.

ISTG you gon nail this Suki. Break my heart all over again because I'm still not over BR 💔

Curious, would you consider writing as a profession? I feel you have a knack for it.

(I was gonna keep this short but Im having a word vomit moment)

P.s. I hope you're well and safe, Happy New Year to you ♥️

- ✉

hi anon! yes I am also very excited for the climax, we’re getting close to the chapters where it’ll get more heated and I am sooo excited to see how that goes. and yeah HSJKAA I get a lot of “girlboss” asks and while there’s nothing wrong with them, I want to write YN in my own way and I wanna make her not-so-girlboss-at-first. like I wanna make her a flawed human in which she’ll make bad decisions then learn from it bcos I believe she’ll grow stronger that way.

and yeah, YN and Suna are literally two sides of the same coin! both are doing everything for love, both of them struggle with receiving the love they give (bcos Iris doesn’t love Suna as much as he does for her) but they stay anyway bcos they’re both hopeful for what could happen. as for the slow burn, I’ll admit I don’t have much experience with it and I’m struggling how exactly to execute that, but I’m just trusting the process hehehehe. AND AWW BR??? THANK YOU OMG I LOVED BR TOO, THAT WAS SUCH A GREAT PART OF MY WRITING JOURNEY!

yes, I did consider writing as a profession! I’ve been passionate about writing (or just creating and telling stories, in general) since I was really young, and when I was fifteen, I remember I even wanted to make my own mangas but then stuff happened, and I am changing career paths :<< I’m still very much satisfied and also passionate about my current direction in life tho in terms of profession, but I would so love to write someday as a profession! right now, I’m just happy I can write stuff like these and enjoy it hehehe. happy new year to you as well and always take care of yourself!