#anyway i am finishing my incompletes from last semester so i am once more in the yiddish historical linguistics rabbithole

[mashkaroom]

literally thank you dovid katz for putting everything you’ve ever published online

(https://www.dovidkatz.net/dovid/dovid_bibliography.htm -- his bibliography arranged by date here

https://www.dovidkatz.net/ -- and more of his stuff available here)

[pedros-mustache-main]

just a job

summary: working wardrobe for the new film ‘bohemian rhapsody’ is not all its cracked up to be. until it is.

word count: 2.6k+

warnings: language, ~suggestive~ themes (but who am i kidding? we’re all here for that)

a/n: i’m continuing to work on the next chapter for “even now” but this has been in my drafts for awhile, so i thought i would finish it. enjoy, loves! xoxo.

you hate your job. really, you do. despite what your younger sister believes, it’s not glamorous and it’s not well-paid. it’s simply a 9-5, clock-in & clock-out, leave-work-at-work gig to hold you over until your final semester at university ends.

at twenty-seven, you could have two degrees by now. instead you have zero—and a startlingly amount of student debt amassed thanks to your two attempts at completing a single degree. it’s been complicated, to say the very least, and you don’t like to dwell on past failures.

you consider your job a necessary evil. there’s no one to pay tuition bills except you, so when your cousin landed a position in makeup for a new film and mentioned the need for a wardrobe assistant, you applied. the work is simple, mindless even. you take measurements, offer your opinion when asked, and catalog the different costumes. you’re truly a glorified hunter-gatherer: you hunt through the rows and rows of possible options and bring back what’s needed. 

still, it’s a job, and it pays the bills. for the most part, you stomach it. there’s loads of downtime, giving you ample opportunity to study or write a term paper. your co-workers are nice enough. they live completely different lives, surrounded by the latest fashion magazines and sketchbooks full of costume ideas. your workspace—a child-sized deck in the corner of the trailer—is covered in maths books. your future in mathematics lends itself to things like tailoring and fabric measurements, but it’s not the same. there’s an obvious disconnect; you try your best to smile and fit in, anyway.

your cousin, morgan, finds you on a lonely tuesday afternoon. it’s drizzling outside, so her hair is puffy when she enters the trailer. 

“this damn weather,” she mutters. though she’s your first cousin on your mother’s side, she grew up in australia, and her accent, thick as it is, never fails to make you smile. “i swear, if gwil comes back and his wig is all frizzed out, i’m gonna pop a lid or something.”

“that bad outside?”

“humid as hell and still raining.” she sets her paper coffee cup, stained with purple lipstick around the edge, on the counter. “how’s the paper comin’?”

you glance at your work, at the empty word document on your laptop screen, and shake your head. “it’s not. i tried to start but i just...” your words drift away, incomplete but crystal clear at the same time.

“hey.” morgan crosses the narrow trailer to squeeze your shoulder. “stop doubting yourself.”

peering up through your lashes, you shrug. “i don’t know if i have what it takes to a researcher, that’s all.”

morgan scoffs. “that’s horse-shit and you know it! think about it: you like maths, for some strange reason, and you like medicine, and you want to marry those two and become the best biomedical blah-blah researcher the world has ever seen. and be smoking hot at the same time. don’t give up on yourself now, [y/n]. not when you’re so close.”

you rise from your chair and lift your arms over your head to stretch. you know she means well—hell, you’ve been through this all once before—but your fears persist. with a good-natured roll of your eyes, you close your laptop. “you’re supposed to say that. you’re family.”

“maybe, but it’s the truth.”

the trailer door bursts open, and you glance at the faded clock on the wall. post-lunch break. time for a scene change and costume switch.

your boss, richard, climbs the trailer steps, his glasses fogged over by the weather. he tosses a plastic-wrapped lunch plate on your desk before feathering your cheek with a kiss. his beard scratches your face, but you return the air-kiss, still feeling slightly ridiculous any time you imitate his standard greeting.

“sorry, lovie. you’ll have to eat later. the boys are on their way and we only have them for a few before the cameras start rolling again.” richard sheds his leather jacket and runs a hand through his rain-slick hair. “morgan, you’re taking up too much space. shoo, honey, shoo!”

“right, of course! i’ve got to go wrangle gwilym’s wig anyway.” before exiting the trailer, morgan lifts her brows in your direction. “remember what i said, okay? it really is the truth.”

shuffling to the door, richard waves his hands in a shooing motion. “yeah, yeah, we get it. you’re family and you love each other. scram—and i mean that in the nicest way possible.” once morgan disappears, he points to the back of the trailer. “i need you to find those god-awful corduroy pants. joe has to wear them today and last time i checked there was a tear up the inseam.”

you do as your told, squishing your way to the storage area. four clothes racks—one for each of the boys—take up the majority of the trailer space. aside from a bathroom the size of a postage stamp and an area for fittings, it’s a tight squeeze. that squeeze is made even tighter anytime one or more of the borhap boys makes their entrance. their personalities are distinct and their friendships are loud; it should be endearing, but it often leaves a headache grating at the back of your skull from all the noise. 

from your place jammed between joe and ben’s clothing racks, you can hear him—joe—as he makes his way to the fitting stool.

“okay, but listen to this, richard.” his voice is muffled by the mink coat your head is pressed against, but you already know the routine. he’ll start with some ridiculous anecdote then work his way to a joke or two, peppering in a smattering of questions for good measure. it’s the same nearly every day. 

joe is kind. they all are. but joe, specifically, is the most gregarious of the bunch—a bit much for your quiet tendencies. he makes you laugh on occasion, but the majority of the time, his personality is too big for the sandwich-sized trailer. you’d never tell him that, of course, so you often spend most of his fittings with a haphazard smile on your face, your mind millions of miles away.

corduroy pants retrieved, you wiggle your way to the fitting area. richard has his hands full with rami, attempting to peel a black-and-white checkered unitard off the poor man, so he gestures to joe with his foot.

“fix that inseam,” he says, his voice strained with effort.

joe has a wry smile on his face when you look at him. “look, [y/n], i normally don’t take my pants off on the first date, but i’ll make an exception for you.”

you toss the pants at his chest. an girlish blush crawls up the back of your neck, so you turn away, rooting around on your desk for your sewing kit. to further enflame your face, you cringe when you hear his jeans unzip and drop to the floor with a soft whoosh. your fingers stutter over the assortment of books, papers, and fabric materials on the table. 

what has you so nervous, you aren’t sure. joe is handsome. again, they all are. you suppose it’s the idea of having your face inches from his crotch as soon as he’s clothed. not for the first time, you wonder what you’ve gotten yourself into. a biomedical researcher would never have to deal with this.

“m’lady, i am ready.”

the plastic surrounding the sewing kit bites your palm as you hold it tight, turning to face him. “don’t be so smug. it’s not cute.”

joe frowns. he looks slightly ridiculous, like a small child, in his wig: the straight bangs, the uneven locks of hair brushing the collar of his shirt. he looks like john deacon; at least, you assume he does. you’re no expert. still, his frown coupled with the wig and the striped shirt and corduroy reminds you more of a primary school boy than rock god oozing sex appeal. it’s discombobulating. 

“you’re a hard nut to crack, [y/n].”

lowering to your knees, you nudge his legs apart with your knuckles. already, you feel a lump rise in your throat. “yeah?”

“i’m in here every day and i don’t think i’ve made you laugh once.”

“that’s not true.” you search the recesses of your mind for a memory, but can only think about how, if you move an inch to your left, your forehead will brush the fold of his pants near his most delicate parts.

(god, you need to get laid. between a flurry of dead-end jobs and university courses, you can’t remember the last time you had a good romp in the hay just to blow off some steam.)

joe doesn’t seem at all bothered by your proximity. that is, until you run the flat of your hand down the inseam of his leg. you swear you hear him hiss, but maybe it’s just your imagination. regardless, he jumps a little, and you look up with a wince.

“sorry, cold hands. i’m just looking for the tear.”

he nods, a definite flush to his cheeks.

the tear—a whopping four inches from top to bottom—is nestled near the back of joe’s left thigh. you might be able to get away with a bit of fashion tape, but richard has an eye for detail. he claims the camera can pick out every loose thread, every minor snag. 

drawing back, you pop open the sewing kit with a click. “you’ve made me laugh before,” you say. it’s a lame attempt to break the silence, but you’ve never claimed to be the best conversationalist.

“huh? oh.” he hesitates. his eyes narrow, but there’s a playful glint to his gaze. “you’re only saying that to make me feel better.”

“no, it’s the truth. there was that time with the... dinosaur story. and the other time with the baseball thing and your brother.”

he runs his pointer finger over the fingers on his opposite hand, eyes rolled toward the ceiling as he counts under his breath. “so, twice?”

you nod. “at least.” with a flourish of your needle and thread, you warn, “cold hands coming in again.”

he shifts to stand a little wider. his arms cross over his chest, straining the fabric around his biceps. “twice is good. i can live with twice. my normal goal is twenty times at minimum, but i can adjust.”

you fall silent. once you’ve located the rip, you give it a good tug, testing to see whether it will tear more before you’ve finished the job. it holds, thank goodness, so you place the needle at the base of the rip and start threading it back and forth. 

you don’t turn when richard announces, "be back, [y/n]. rami’s stuck. we need baby oil from makeup.”

at this, joe laughs. his hand slaps his opposite leg, his body heaving as he all but cackles. you jostle with the force of his amusement, and the needle stabs the exposed flesh his thigh. this time he does hiss, pulling back on instinct.

you grimace. “sorry! you moved!”

“that’s your excuse? you sure you didn’t plan to stab me?”

“why would i do that?”

“‘cause you think i’m annoying!”

“i don’t think you’re annoying—not all the time, anyway.”

“aha! so you do think i’m annoying!”

you huff. “joe, please. i’m just trying to do my job.”

perhaps it’s the weariness in your tone that drains the good-natured grin from his face. maybe it’s your confession, which you hadn’t meant to confess. whatever it is, he clears his throat and looks toward the mirrors on the wall across from him, arms snug over his chest again. you return to the tear.

the silence stretches thin with tension. you’ve wounded his pride, you know, but you aren’t sure why it’s shut him down. you’ve interacted only a handful of times, and you try to keep professional, distanced, any time you do interact with a cast member. his suddenly-cold exterior is peculiar. 

“can you turn around for me?” he does so without complaint. his ass looks good in the pants, you’ll give him that, and this vantage point gives better access to the top of the tear. a win-win, you suppose. 

“what did you mean by twenty times?” you ask. “your normal goal being twenty times?” another lame attempt at breaking the tension.

he shrugs. “it’s stupid.”

tear repaired, you stand. “no, i want to hear. please?” 

gently, you tug his arm so he faces you again. you glance over his new outfit, searching for minuscule imperfections. you can feel his eyes search your face in a similar manor, and your face grows warm under the scrutiny. 

in lieu of an proper response, he kisses you.

the sudden contact causes you to drop your sewing kit to the floor. the plastic breaks—you can hear the crunch—but you don’t care. it’s been a long time since anyone kissed you and a longer time since anyone kissed you properly. his lips are soft and skilled, slow against your own. you rest your hands on his forearms, let him kiss you until he pulls back.

your skin feels like it’s on fire, and your chest is tight with anxiety. you swallow hard, eyes darting back and forth between his.

“i don’t like it when girls i like think i’m annoying.” his voice is thick, but his words remind you of a schoolboy’s again. it’s endearing; you smile.

“i’m quiet, that’s all.”

“i’m not.”

“i know.”

“usually i can tell if a girl is interested by how many times she laughs when i talk. twenty times and over, i’ve got a solid in. you’ve never given me an in.”

“i suppose twice is a little below the mark.”

he leans forward, as if to kiss you again, and your eyes flutter shut, but his nose merely brushes yours. “go out with me... to dinner. let me make you laugh again.”

you know you should say no. if not for the sake of professionalism, for the simple sake of proving your sister wrong. she’d told you at the start that you would meet someone and it would be dreamy and romantic and totally Hollywood. you’d promised her you wouldn’t.

but joe is cute. and even though he’s loud and chaotic, there’s something about him. he’s like a magnet. despite when your head aches because he and ben are singing too loud, you’re drawn to him. there’s no use denying it.

“one date,” you whisper, holding up your finger. “i’ll give you one date to let you try.”

“how do i know if there will be a second?”

you have to laugh at his boldness. his grin widens at the sound.

stepping back, his hands dropping from your hips, he shows three fingers. “that’s three times. i think that automatically qualifies me for a second date.”

“we haven’t even gone on our first!”

“doesn’t matter.” he hops down from the dressing stool and presses a loud kiss to your cheek. “pencil it in. two dates, back to back.”

“joe—”

he pauses at the trailer door. his toothy smile flips your stomach. “i’m being annoying, i know.”

before you can laugh again, you bite your lip. “get out of here, you idiot.”

he purses his lips in an air-kiss before bouncing out the door.

you grab the broken sewing kit from the floor. straightening, glance at yourself in the mirror. 

your cheeks are flushed and your lips look freshly kissed, but you’re smiling. maybe not laughing, but smiling. joe’s the first guy who’s made you smile in awhile. he’s made the stress in your chest relax, and the constant worry at the back of your head slow.

that ought to count for something. maybe even a third date.

[secondpubertyscene]

5.6.2020

The last post I wrote is one that I doubt I’ll actually post in full on this page. It served its purpose. In some ways, I have even furthered my feelings of freedom.

 Today, I woke up wondering who I am going to be. The last few days, I have felt weird and off, likely because I have been off my medication until yesterday due to issues with my prescription. It’s the worst because I know how I felt before and how great it was and my fear is that it is gone now, especially since I stopped taking one of my other medicines in favor of a less harsh, natural option for sleep (melatonin). Usually, after a day like yesterday, I would be feeling great! I would be happy and excited to get on to the next chapter of life, I would be talking to everyone and making fun. Instead, I am still numb and neutral, not really happy or sad. I’m also not feeling totally free and I don’t know if that is because of the situation or because of something else.

 I guess the one thing that comforts me through every tricky situation is the fact that everything changes. May not get better, may not get worse, but things are usually likely to change somehow. Time shifts, thoughts shift, and our actions do too. I’m feeling confident that where I am now is an excellent place to be for just how difficult things have been lately. The changes I’ve made are beyond what I expected of myself and I couldn’t be prouder of what I’ve accomplished.

 For one, I am almost done with all of my course work. I am dragging my feet a little, but I know that I have got this. I have received all A’s (aside from in the class that I’ve yet to submit one paper in, I have an Incomplete in there for now) despite this semester being one of the hardest emotionally I’ve faced since being in school even prior to the pandemic. I was able to be there for myself a little more when dealing with my mental health by voluntarily admitting myself to the hospital for help. I advocated for myself to get not only the medication I needed, but the therapist I needed. I drew better boundaries with my mother, ones that she has had an easier time respecting since she herself has gotten some more help. I drew boundaries with a relationship, ending what was a toxic and dangerous situation for me. I no longer have to deal with the expectation of coming back to her to restart if I don’t want to, I don’t have to wait for her to get better for my life to continue on, and I really don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.

 All of these things are accomplishments. I have reframed my surroundings and given myself the space and tools to be a happier person. I’m not feeling the happiness today. I’m not feeling good today. But I do know that I’ve set myself up to feel better overall.

 I know this morning I’m feeling particularly lonely and I think it has more to do with the fact that I am energized by seeing people in person than I am through text messages. I also just wish I had more friends in this area that I enjoyed.

 I’m feeling particularly unmotivated to get up to do much of anything. I don’t feel like getting up to brush my teeth because I don’t plan on going anywhere anyway. I don’t feel like cooking because I’m not hungry at all. I don’t feel like talking to anyone because there’s nothing really worth talking about aside from all the sadness and bullshit happening in the world right now. I can’t even think about how fun next semester might be, because it likely won’t even happen. I’m realizing now that I am depressed. I didn’t really think I was because I was doing so well for a bit, but I guess being off my meds for that short of a time really did fuck me up. I’m hopeful that this passes soon and I can feel at least a happy neutral again sooner rather than later.

 Writing really is helpful, I usually wait until the evening to write but I suppose the morning is as good as any time. Perhaps it can help me set better intentions for the day. It is the first body/brain scan and has helped me identify where I am so I can identify where I want to be and what I need to get there. So, let’s see.

 Intentions for the day? I’m not sure. Perhaps find some ways to feel peaceful, even if not happy. Find some peace, make myself laugh, and perhaps even begin to enjoy more of my own company without getting sad about it. That is the intention for the day.

 I also need to accomplish some basic goals. Hygiene, food, laundry. I’m already halfway done with laundry so I know that I can finish it today. Food is the biggest hurdle lately. Yesterday, I ate once and I wasn’t even really hungry then. It is so much more about the fact that I’m not hungry than it is that I don’t want to eat. It is so hard to force yourself to get up and cook when you don’t even want to eat to begin with. I know it is what my body needs and deserves though.

 It is quite a beautiful morning; I will say that. It’s green and wet outside. The air coming in through my window is cool and brisk, kind of grounding. Perhaps it would be nice to sit out in nature for a little today. I won’t place that on the list of things I must do, but it could be a nice bonus if I feel up to it later.

 Lots of scrambled thoughts today. Hopefully tomorrow is a little different.

 Cheers,

 Miles

[purplesurveys]

792

Who was the last person you had an intelligent debate with?: I don’t really have debates with anyone other than Gab or Angela. I’ll have deep discussions with my other friends, but they never turn into a debate.

Who was the last person who cooked something for you?:  My dad. Technically he just reheated stuff tonight, but he was still also the one who cooked for us this morning for breakfast.

Who was the last person who you heard singing?:  My mom. She does karaoke by herself one or two times a week for funsies and will sing songs from her day for an hour or so, and she did it tonight.

Who was the last person you kissed and it meant something?: Gabie, but it’s been a whilllllle. 

Who was the last person you were upset with?:  This girl that I’m classmates with for a layout class, Mikee. Horrible work ethic. So just for context, I currently have a grade of INC (Incomplete) for the layout class I took last semester because my prof wasn’t satisfied with our final output, which are a class magazine and a class newspaper; and when you have an INC, you typically have a year to fulfill the missing requirement/s (except in our case, we only have half a year because we have graduating students in the class, including me). Now that we’re inching closer to graduation and the college is supposed to release the official list of graduating students soon, I have to make sure ALL my grades are in. Mikee volunteered to be the one to contact our prof for submitting our work, and even though we’ve finished up and polished our revised outputs, she is taking FOREVER to email the prof for whatever fucking reason. I’m getting antsy by the hour and am desperate for a bit of urgency on her end because if my name doesn’t end up on the list of graduates I definitely wouldn’t hesitate to lash out on her.

Who was the last person you danced with?: Angela, Gabie, and Hans. And some other ADMU dudes I’ve never hung out with other than at that party.

Who was the last person you felt awkward around?: My dad. He made pancakes from scratch earlier and I think his measurements weren’t 100% spot on, because they came out incredibly dense and bland. I was already cranky enough this morning – and I still hadn’t known he made them himself – so I scowled when I took my first few bites because I thought it tasted off and even asked if it was some kind of vegetarian pancake. Once he said he made it from scratch, I felt awkward, shut up, and wolfed my plate down to show him that I enjoyed it and to make up for my horrid behavior just seconds before.

Who was the last person who borrowed something from you?: My mom borrowed my car (which is technically my parents’ anyway because they bought it lmao) to go to work today.

Who was the last person who showed you how to do something?: My dad. I wanted to get reacquainted with making stuff in the kitchen so he showed me how to cook hotdogs properly. I was already making them before, but after one time that one of our stove burners emitted a huge flame when I turned it on, I stopped making any food altogether for a while.

Who was the last person you went shopping with?: My mom.

Who was the last person you had a crush on?: Song Joong Ki hahaaaaaaah.

Who was the last person who made you cry?: The amazing actor from Descendants of the Sun playing the troubled rookie doctor. I looked him up and apparently he’s also one of the lead vocalists of SHINee, so he must be talented as all hell.

Who was the last person you shared a bed with?: Kimi, 45 seconds before he jumped off.

Who was the last person you got drunk with?: Angela, Hans, Gabie, Aids...I don’t remember the others anymore but they were cool and funny people. Idk, we were a big group so yeah.

Who was the last person who touched your hair?: Just me.

What was the last pair of shoes you wore?: A pair of Nikes to walk my dog.

What was the last birthday party you attended?: My cousin’s, aunt’s, and grandma’s. Their birthdays all fall on the same week in December, so it’s tradition for us to go over to my aunt’s to celebrate.

What was the last thing you said to your mother?: Something about thesis. I was telling her that I included her and dad and my four grandparents in my acknowledgments.

What was the last song you listened to?: I was listening to Beyoncé’s Homecoming a few hours ago but I’m too lazy to check what song was it I paused.

What was the last thing you thought about before going to sleep last night?: I wasn’t thinking of anything, I was just focused on falling asleep.

What was the last fun thing you did with your family?: Video-calling other relatives.

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone?: My dad’s earphones...and I’ve kept them for the meantime too lol thanks dad.

What was the last vegetable you ate?: String beans.

What was the last thing you bought online?: A Hydro Flask and several necklaces.

What was the last thing you had to drink?: I don’t *have* to drink it but I did make myself a cup of coffee tonight.

What was the last reason you went to see a doctor?: Had to get my eye checked. Sucks that I couldn’t and can’t have a follow-up appointment especially since my left eye still acts up from time to time.

What was the last non-food item you purchased?: Soju lmaaaaaooo.

What was the last type of yogurt you ate?: I hate yogurt.

What was the last fast food place you ate at?: Jollibee. We didn’t eat inside though, we just got the food delivered to our home. I think the last fast food place I was actually inside of was McDonald’s.

What was the last thing that bothered you and kept you awake?: I haven’t been bothered by anything in a while. Caffeine is the only thing keeping me up these days.

When was the last time you embarrassed yourself? I had sort of a Eureka moment earlier tonight when I suddenly recalled my paternal grandparents’ whole names. I had opted to use their nicknames in my acknowledgments and didn’t think anything of it, but then I remembered what their actual full first names were and then felt embarrassed within myself that I submitted a final draft with their nicknames. HAHAHA it’s a good things are less chill with the lockdown in place so I was able to explain and resubmit with the necessary revisions.

When was the last time you watched a movie with someone?: January-ish. I watched Hello Love Goodbye with Gabie.

When was the last time you charged your phone?: A few hours ago.

When was the last time you were sick with a cold?: It’s been...a while. I rarely get sick with anything so I don’t get to keep track of whenever I do.

When was the last time you spoke to a family member on the phone?: My birthday when my lola called.

When was the last time it rained where you live?: A couple of days ago, I think.

When was the last time you laid awake, unable to sleep?: This afternoon. I wanted to sleep the heat off, but it was just so uncomfortable I just ended up twisting and turning and sweating more. MAAAAAAN I can’t wait for June.

When was the last time you met someone new?: A week or so ago when I went on a following spree on this blog and started talking to a couple of them. Lol following spree in the survey community means following 3 or 4 blogs, but still.

When was the last time you filled up your car with petrol/gas?:  Gotta be the first week of March as that was the last time I was able to drive a lot.

When was the last time you ate popcorn?: Some months ago, I’m guessing? There was a brief time that my mom bought popcorn kernels to make bowls of popcorn for us, but we got tired of it pretty easily so there was no reason for her to keep buying more packs.

When was the last time you went to a school event?  I went to the Lantern Parade last December, as is tradition for my school’s community. I was mostly alone because my friends had to leave early and Gabie was stuck in traffic all evening and didn’t arrive til like, 9:30 PM, which sounds sad for me lol but it was still a fun experience.

When was the last time you took the trash out?: My parents don’t give me that task.

When was the last time you did anything to change your appearance?: Fucking March, a week before the lockdown. Okodlkjfffjsj don’t remind me I’m still pressed about it. No one got to see my short hair and bangs grrrrrrrr

When was the last time you cooked at home?: A week ago. I reconciled with the kitchen and cooked a couple of hotdogs hahaha. They’re frozen and literally a child could make them, but egh, I wanna have my moment too.

When was the last time you had a sleepover?: Honestly can’t remember. Start of the year maybe?

Where did you last go shopping for clothing?: Feliz. It’s my favorite place to find new clothes so yeah, you’ll always be hearing about Feliz. Where did you last go on a date to?: A study date at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and dinner at Yabu afterwards.

Where was the last wedding you went to?: 2007, my uncle and aunt’s. I had plans to go to my cousin Joelle’s wedding in Texas this year, but I think they postponed it which highkey ended up working well for them because it wouldn’t have happened under current circumstances anyway.

Where did you last park your car, other than home?: Gabie’s place.

Where did you last leave your keys?: On top of the dining room TV.

Where did your last kiss take place? By Gabie’s front door, I think.

Where did you last go for a walk to?: In front of the house and just a little farther, with my dog. He’s getting older so he gets tired easily and can’t go on the same walks we used to have, but I still make sure he gets his exercise.

Where did you last take a vacation to?: We had a weekend trip to Tagaytay and Cavite but honestly it felt like a quick getaway more than anything else. The last trip that felt like a vacation was when we went to Bicol.

Where did you last go to celebrate your own birthday?: I celebrated it at home.

Where was the last place you had dinner at?: Just at home, again.

Where did you last go to exercise?: I don’t exercise. < Ha, samesies.

Where did you last take public transport to?: Jum and I were going to the Senate building for a journalism class. That was the first and last time I took legit public transport.

Where does the last person you hung out with live?: Upper part of the city.

Where did you last visit for the first time?: Uhhhh I think it was the salon I went to to get my hair done.

Where did you last take a photo?: On the floor of the dining area, to take selfies with my dog.

[hecktic-creations]

Growing Pains

Intro

I at first wasn’t going to do anything for Pride Month this year. I haven’t been in the best mental space and couldn’t think of a topic of discussion. But in an effort to figure myself out and reconnect with me, I have been writing an essay in my head. I’ve been referring to it as Growing Pains, so I suppose that ended up being the title. This essay I owe more to myself than anyone else, but I wanted to share it too, to give others a new perspective on things. I have been seeing more and more people excluding acespec people from LGBTQ spaces saying that they aren’t oppressed so they shouldn’t count. As someone who’s identified as Asexual but never really felt comfortable bringing it up, since whenever I did people told me I was lying or I would grow out of it, this feels like an attack from a community that I thought supported me. Most of my posts are on my trans identity, and this is because I feel more comfortable talking about it. I still hold a grudge against myself for being ace, because I’ve only ever been told that life isn’t truly complete without a significant other. I’m done ignoring this part of my identity though, as it has been such a key part of my being for such a long time. While discovering my relationship with gender has helped me feel more whole, it hasn’t been until more recently. I have been fighting a battle with myself my whole life about being ace, it wasn’t until I looked back that I realised this though. So that’s what this is, me finally coming to terms with my ace identity in coalition to a past I only vaguely remember.

Growing Pains

My younger years weren’t easy for me. All the situations and all the circumstances of my life, logically have been fine. Quiet, maybe. But for me, they have been hurdles. Each and every action. I describe a day by how much “effort” I have. There are good days with plenty and bad days where I have none. If I’ve run out of effort, I won’t be able to do much more that day. It’s always been like this but I’ve mostly ignored it, not a good idea. Because of this, I didn’t do much outside of school with anyone as it was “too much effort” in the way that I couldn’t bring myself to get over the hurdle and into the action. If something required more than a few steps I simply couldn’t do it. But there weren’t many people to do extracurricular activities with anyways. I never felt like I belonged to a group, more an outsider allowed to interact because everyone else was too polite to say anything. As a result I’ve never really allowed myself to get close to anyone, expecting them to one day betray me, or simply move on and leave me behind. Maybe we can blame my inability to connect, my personality, my being queer but not knowing it, the people around me. All of this, none of this. Doesn’t matter in the end. Most of my younger personality felt like a lie I had constructed to be able to interact with my peers. Elementary school I had to make up crushes I’d never felt before. Middle school I had to try and feel excited about a future I never really expected to come. Every interaction felt like perpetuating the lie, until it became my truth. I‘ve never had much in the way of romantic experiences. There was a boy in fifth grade who asked me out when I was in third, I was uncomfortable with the thought of dating --let alone someone So Much Older than me-- so refused. He thought it was because I hated him. I told him it wasn’t but he didn’t speak to me again. Later that year he got expelled for stealing money from the book fair so maybe that was for the best. Depending on you definition of it, my first kiss was a surprise to both me and the kid who kissed me. I was leaving an event with my family, but had walked too far ahead. I stopped by the edge of the sidewalk to wait for them and a boy I had spoken with on several occasions but we never really interacted was walking by with his mother. I think it was his idea of a greeting, but he kissed me and moved on. His mom told him not to kiss people like that, he said he was just being nice.  Beyond that, I haven’t kissed anyone. Nor do I plan to. I remember someone telling me that once I kissed someone for real I would understand how good it felt and would want to do it again. But I just don’t see the appeal. Maybe I gave off a vibe of not wanting to, but after elementary, no one asked me out during school. Indeed the next time anyone would was outfront of the liquor store I worked at last year. He quickly dropped it when I said I was trans. I am glad no one ever did because I think the sheer shock of it would have done me in. I’d never seen myself as good enough to date in the first place. I was never bullied, more like ignored entirely. Which was perfectly fine by me then, but looking back it was lonely. There were close friends through it all, and I think I owe it to them that I made it this far. Not gonna name any names, but I hope you know who you are. It’s hard for me to remember my childhood. Really, anything past a year ago is hazy at best. It’s not a poor memory exactly because I’ve proven to have a good one, it’s more. There wasn’t enough good to remember so my brain decided throw all of it out. If I can recall, it feels like a story I’ve read. Something to think about, but not my own experience. It’s not me. I can’t connect. 

High school is different. Newer in my mind, and more intact. More friends, more experiences. Really it’s where I as a person began. It’s where I learned the words that described me, learned that other people like me were real. I wasn’t just broken. It’s where I started to sluff of the lies from my youth. As a defense, I’d shut down my connection to my emotions. I remember clearly the last time I fully felt anything. I was seven. I was angry about something petty, I got scared of my own anger. Promised I wouldn’t get that mad again, guess that was true. I always thought that my inability to think of anyone else romanticly was because of that detachment from myself, and would not be surprised if it played a part. But in an unofficial poll of the one queer table at my high school Freshman or Sophomore year, I accidentally identified myself as asexual, at the time I didn’t even know what it meant, and I don’t know why I did it. Later I looked it up, found out the definition, and everything felt right. It made sense. I cried with relief because I belonged somewhere. I was real. When I found out that Asexuality was an identity, I connected with it immediately. This had been my whole life. All of the awkward dodging of strange questions about my tastes and who I was attracted to, and wondering if I would ever get it; or if I had to lie about my romantic inclinations my whole life made sense. It didn’t make the questions go away, but I at least understood that when I responded that I’ve never had a crush before I wasn’t saying I was incomplete. It’s more recently that I started to accept that I’m also aromatic but that’s for different reasons, a different post I think. Around that time I also learned about trans people, that they existed. Many of my friends were. It sent me on a three year soul-search. After many sleepless nights, crying in the shower with confusion and frustration, hiding in my bed paralysed with fear of what it meant for the future I never got around to planning, and frantically scrawled notes to myself that are now lost to moving out, I figured it out. I reached an understanding of myself that I never cared to have before. It was a struggle through the barrier in my mind between my thoughts and emotions. I made a deep connection with myself I had never had, and have since lost again. The first time I said aloud that I thought I was trans, I was crouching backstage during rehearsal for the winter performance of the drama club my senior year. I was stage crew, crouched next to me were two friends. I don’t know what finally pushed me to say it, but that same feeling of relief and the realness of my own existence rushed through me again when they asked if I’d picked out a name yet and started using the right pronouns straightaway. It was different than learning about my asexuality, but nonetheless fulfilling. I’d quietly expected everyone in my life to deny me because of it. Didn’t matter to me if they themselves where trans, or they had shown support for it in the past. I was going to be a special case. But these were mostly baseless worries. I’ve noticed plenty of quiet prejudice and some not so quiet since then. But I was lucky in seeing little of it from those close to me. 

After high school was college, but not for long. I don’t remember for the life of me if I ended up going to two or three semesters, though I’m leaning more towards two. Those semesters where the darkest of my life. I remember trying and failing to do as good in college as I did in high school, I’d graduated with an honours diploma after all, college should be easy right? I hadn’t fully realised all the brand new stresses of having to choose what you wanted in life. Nothing could have prepared me because I hadn’t prepared myself. With a future so vast and endless, I shut down. My first choice was art college, I got accepted into the one I was looking at most. They ended up giving me almost a full ride scholarship, but it was in Portland and I couldn’t come up with enough money to live there. That plan fell through. Then I figured I’d just get a job around town and save up for next year, the college told me they’d reserve my spot and everything. But no one wanted to hire me. That plan fell through. I ended up at my community college. I hadn’t exactly wanted to pursue higher education in the first place, but I couldn’t manage to do anything else. The first semester was alright mostly, I finished it with average grades which for me was abysmal. My last semester there I’d only attended two of my originally scheduled five classes. The rest I hid from in the cafeteria. I was too afraid to tell my parents that I couldn’t get myself to go to the classes because they were so much more excited for my future than I was, and this was a good next step to whatever it ended up being. I didn’t want to let them down. I was working part-time then too, the job --my first-- had taken me more than a year to get. I think it was a combination of my inexperience and my being trans which led to so many rejections. At this point I’d applied to the majority of entry-level jobs in my hometown, and was running out of options. I went to campus as if I was taking class, instead hid in the cafeteria, then went to work. This continued until I moved out. I’d basically already quit college at that point, so when the semester ended, I didn’t register for new classes. But with the prodding of a friend during the campus tour the beginning of that year, I signed up for the GSA of the college. I really should thank that friend. They probably saved my life. The club was what got me through college. It was why I hid in the cafeteria. Between classes my friends from GSA would go there for meals or to do classwork. I met some people there who changed the direction I was heading. It is more sideways now than down. They helped me connect more to a community I hadn’t even known was established. I’m not the most active online or in person, and never had many friends to begin with. But even after I’d dropped out I went to the GSA meetings. They were, and are, the most supportive group I’ve ever been a part of. The more recent stuff I’ll keep to myself, at least for now. It’s been more than a year since I dropped out of college, and that year has seen even more of a dramatic shift in my life. It is all too close to the present now to discuss. I don’t regret my choice to leave college, and at the moment I’m not planning on returning. It has left a big angry mark on my life, and whatever good it would do me isn’t worth revisiting that part of my mind. But because of what I’d been through then I know who I am now. I know what it means to be me.

I don’t know where I’ll fall or how far till the bottom, but I know this. I’m ready to fly. Too much of my life has been clinging to a cliff, hoping for everything to pass me by. Waiting for it to all be over. But while I waited, my wings grew. I’m not ready. I don’t think I ever will be. But if I don’t go now my arms will fail and I will fall anyway. I liken myself to the mythical figure of Icarus often, mainly saying my pride will send me into the sea one day, which it will. Hubris will be my undoing. But maybe before that I should have the same fierce confidence to leap. To soar. Because I hope to be smarter than he, more cautious. It might not sound like it, but I am proud. I know the person I am now is better than the person from last year, last month even. And I am proud to belong. Because the rest of my life I never felt like I belonged, never fully connected. So this month, and beyond. You can catch me breathing deeply, knowing that whatever happens, I exist and I should be. It means so much more to know you aren’t alone in your experiences. Though no one else can be you, that doesn’t mean no one else can know you. It’s important to know where you come from, but it’s even more important to know why you got here isn’t just because you have a past, it’s because you also have a future.

[mcjour]

so the other day was the anniversary of my friend’s death and i realized there was so much i didn’t process there like at all. 

i can barely even remember what our relationship was. he definitely wasn’t a close best friend or anything, at least. but the line between acquaintance and friend is blurred. like, i didn’t exactly hang out with him. but it’s not like i was really hanging out with anyone at that point lol.

so i see his closer friends (also my friends) post something on facebook sometimes and i am like huh am i entitled to that? was i close enough to him or would posting be attention seeking?

i mean there isn’t anything i need to post or anything but thought that was an interesting thought. especially knowing my friends who knew him really wouldn’t even be the type to gatekeep grief anyway but like i said just a thought

gosh i barely even remember him and that’s so awful. like the day i found out he died, we all posted about it and so my memories are only the ones i wrote down in that post. they were nice memories, but i hate that my brain has deleted so much of my life

anyway can’t believe it’s been 5 years!

i think about him a lot, actually. not all the time, but more than i would expect

one thing i thought about this week was how traumatizing finding out was. because we all found out through a mass email to the entire campus. heartbreaking, probably the worst way to find out. i don’t really blame the school for that or anything, it’s not like they have a roster of all your connections or anything lol. but that doesn’t make it any less sucky

i remember i was texting a friend and maybe she was the one to read the email first? but either way i remember us being like, hold on, are we reading this correctly? our friend had a decently common name, so on a large campus, could there have been someone else with his name? but no. he was ours.

i remember i was in the dining hall getting food right before work. i was in shock. i don’t remember if i cried then and there, but i definitely cried at work. i don’t really know why i didn;t just not go to work. probably i didn’t even know who i would talk to about it. besides, what else was i supposed to do? it’s not like there was a guide to how to react when you find out your friend is dead via campus email.

i remember walking to my dorm after my shift. for some reason i worked on the opposite side of campus than i lived lol. i was probably cold and tired and dirty and wet from working in the dish room. i was listening to music as i walked. as i walked up the steep hill (almost home!), the song lifegoeson by noah and the whale came on shuffle. there’s a verse about the singer’s “last night on earth” and having no regrets or something. and wow i think i probably just bawled right then and there knowing that it had literally been my friend’s last night on earth the night or 2 before. 

when you looked at his twitter, that night (or sometime in the days before), he had retweeted a bunch of tweets saying “i could really use a hug right now.” i don’t think i had seen it at the time, like i don’t think i used twitter every day or anything. but to look back at that is so stinging. like, one of those cliche moments wondering if you could go back into the past and change something. like if i had seen that and reached out to him, would he still be alive today? and really who knows. and who knows, maybe other friends DID see, and DID reach out. it’s not really something i spend a lot of time guilting over or anything. but it still is really something to look back at, the cries for help immortalized on the internet. 

his twitter account was later hacked and became like a porn bot account which was also just devastating. luckily i think those tweets got deleted, but the profile picture and the bio still remain. and his old tweets too, like i said. 

there’s also a message he sent me a few months before he died inviting me to a party, which was so kind. and literally the day before he died, he sent me a cat video. or maybe it was the night he died. the link is dead now, so i don’t remember what the video was. there’s no response. i don’t know if i ignored it or if i just didn’t check twitter. 

maybe he was trying to comfort us through his death. in retrospect, i guess i really was a friend if i was one of the people he reached out to in those final hours

his death was right before finals too. which meant we were all totally fucked, i was already tanking a lot of my classes as it already was. i ended up taking an incomplete in one and finishing the next semester. i am sure many of my friends were in similar boats. the friend who passed was actually about to graduate. he was 24. i must’ve been 19 at the time, almost 20. he seemed so much older. i am 24 now, so lol.

the reason i was struggling so much before this was that  my cat had died about a month prior. he was my entire world. 

i couldn’t imagine life without my cat. i can’t remember when i started feeling suicidal myself, but my friend’s death definitely exacerbated that feeling. i think i felt like he beat me to it. and i didn’t want people to think i was a copy cat either. but every time i cut through the fine arts center i’d stand and look over the edge and wonder if it was high enough. i really don’t think it was LOL. but i was in so much pain.

what helped was my advisor slash professor. i had emailed all my professors about the deaths just to give them a heads up if i was missing class or assignments or whatever. and i remember i typed something like sorry, i am just having a really shitty semester. and she replied and was like yeah no that’s an understatement. and she invited me to like hang out and chat and eat donuts and i felt super awkward and anxious about the whole thing but she was so kind and helped me get through some of the professor issues i was having. plus the donut. that ended up really jumpstarting our relationship and she was so important to my college career. 

i knew another person from that same group who also died. i was not as close to her, but was of course still sad to hear of her passing. and it really speaks to how trauma can kill you, i think. most college groups do not lose two people. while they are still in college. there’s a photo of us from a house party and it’s weird that there’s i don’t know 10, 15, 20 people in the photo and 2 of them are dead.

these are things that i haven’t told anybody. because who could i tell?

like i could talk about my friend with our mutual friends, and we did right after he passed and stuff but like at some point that ends. and then i’m not really in close contact with any of them anymore. i would be happy to talk to any of them, don’t get me wrong, but i’m not about to contact these people out of the blue.

and anyone who didn’t know him wouldn’t know

and my cat too. i feel like that’s not as shareable of a grief. like society says that’s just a cat. and it was only a month after losing him that i lost my friend, so i was still grieving my cat when it happened. but now my friends all had their own grief and i didn’t want to divert the focus on my friend to be like hi i also am sad about my cat? that seems weird. the word that came to mind was selfish, and i don’t think that’s the correct word in this context. but it does just feel inappropriate.

then to go home at the end of the semester to an unsupportive household while weighted down by two huge deaths. i think i told my mom i wasn’t going to talk to her about my friend (what could i really say anyway). idk she’s the last place i would go for comfort.

and she made grieving the cat horrible. i don’t remember but i think she made it all about her somehow. like how she found the body and bla bla bla. i don’t remember.

the grief of both of these deaths has been bottled for 5 years.

something else i remembered: they set up group counseling for me and my friends. and so i went. i wasn’t too keen on counseling, but i think i was just in shock still and figured it would be good for me. and good to be with friends, whether for my sake or theirs.

so it was run by this lady. this horrible lady. the lady who sent me to the hospital for no fucking reason. so i was like holy fucking shit!!! but once again i think i was kinda in shock, like wtf was i supposed to do, just walk out and make a scene? so i sat there. and she sucked lol. i smiled at one point. i have no idea why i smiled. it was unconcious. maybe i remembered a happy memory, maybe it was just a nervous response who fucking knows. either way she called me out on it and was like why are you smiling? now i think it is rude in general to just call someone out like that LOL but this just so happened to be a very specific trigger of mine from high school days. so i think i literally ran out of the room. one of my friends followed me and talked with me out in the staircase. i know i didn’t go back, but i can’t remember if my friend went back or not. i think i felt bad having her comfort me over some dumb thing, instead of getting counseling herself, but she was definitely like nah that lady sucks. someone i think said the lady made a comment about me leaving too. idk. anyway she’s an ass.

unrelated, kinda, this lady taught the intro to social work class which i really wanted to take but i was like hell NO. luckily one semester they got someone else to teach it. it sucked in a totally different way LOL. 

[fox-teeth]

Junior Thesis Status Update:

(For those of you that aren’t familiar with the ins & outs of my college: at SVA, during their junior year, Illustration and Cartooning majors [like me] work on a project colloquially called “junior thesis” in in their core studio class. The entire department is given a theme, and the students choose works to adapt into a comic/series of illustrations that fit into the theme. This year’s theme was Beautiful Losers, and I adapted Macbeth. The department head comes in twice during the year to critique our work, and during the final crit he chooses works to be hung up in the department’s junior show.)

Anyways...overall, I think my final thesis review went fairly positively? I got waitlisted for the show for having incomplete work which is fair and understandable, but still disappointing (waitlisted for the show = my work might be chosen to fill extra room in the gallery once the guaranteed-in-the-show work is hung). I’ve been sick with one thing or another this entire semester (three infections! an allergic reaction to an antibiotic! my migraine meds stopped being all that effective!) and I wish I hadn’t been so my comic would’ve been finished on time, though I will say I am proud of myself for working super hard to produce 10 finished pages in the span of a week in the run-up to the review, as someone who is usually a slow worker. Otherwise the department head was super positive about my work, and he complimented me on the art style of the comic and the high emotional impact of the last three pages which felt SO GOOD because he was pretty critical of those aspects during my review in November (and I got some of the same criticism from my professor), and like keeping getting flak about my work being Inappropriately Cute for the Subject Matter (which I didn’t have that much choice over--we chose off a list) was getting to me and was causing me to feel frustrated and burnt out on the entire project. So being told I ultimately pulled off the look of the comic which is something I struggled a lot with was so VINDICATING and SATISFYING. I even earned a fistbump for the "out, damned spot" panel! The only bad thing he had to say was that he was concerned I couldn't finish my comic in time for the show without rushing and getting sloppy...but if I can pull off inking 10 great-looking pages in one week doing 6 more by the 31st (day I’m supposed to drop off my work to be hung) is totally feasible. I'll have my comic into the office on time and FINGERS CROSSED it'll ultimately be in the show!!!

Also to my followers: thank you so much to everyone that’s been enjoying the previews of my Lady Macbeth comic I’ve been posting during the last week. I’m planning on scanning the comic before I drop it off for the show so look for it on this blog around the 31st--though because it’s 16 pages I’m not totally sure how I’ll present it here when photosets are limited to 10 images (split it into two posts? extra images in description? upload it onto a different site?).

[artistemmaduehr-blog]

Graduate School begins

I started graduate school this week at Portland State University. I am really looking forward to what is going to happen over the course of the year. I feel that I will change a lot, my artwork will change, and my inspirations will span from all over. I am taking 4 classes, and PSU does a trimester set up which is really nice for going back to school right away.

The first class I want to share is called Contemporary Art 1. I chose to share this class first because one of the assignments for this class is to run an online progress report, I have chosen to do blog format. I have always wanted to start a blog for multiple reasons: I like to talk and I like to share what is on my mind but ……. no one likes to hear someone talk all about themselves and their ideas. Luke, my boyfriend, is wonderful because he likes to listen… sometimes… ANYWAYS. this blog will be nice because it will force me to organize along the way. This blog will consist of what experiments I am currently working on, the inspiration that drives my work, important articles that coincide with my research, and just be a place that will organize all the crazy ideas that are floating around this art brain of mine. I think I decided right now at this very moment.. right now. that I am never going to edit my blog. soon maybe that just makes it a journal, oh well its whatever it is going to come out of my mouth…fingers….typing….. anything I just need to write or says aloud to someone… I'll write it here. but yeah. I’m gonna let this thing be natural, responding with all natural instinct, I'm not going to allow me to proofread or edit my thoughts, they are just going to come out and help me organize my thoughts and be a mess for you to try to read, but if you are really interested in me and what I am doing every week maybe you can see past all my incorrectly placed commas and incomplete sentences. whoops.

Back to the point now, I guess that was an introduction? haha.

Contemporary Art 1 is the biggest workload of homework, all for excellent reasons. We will be focusing on the last 20 ish years of contemporary art to try to focus on what is being made currently instead of focusing all our attention on dead people. I always look to the dead painters for inspiration, all artists do, but for this class, Tabitha is trying to make us learn about art we probably haven’t been very familiar with in the past. I look forward to it. We will have readings every week and come to class ready to engage in thoughtful conversations relating to anything that drives our personal artwork and contemporary art that surrounds us. We will have papers, and desk homework, all that yada yada yada stuff, but I think it is important that we have at least one class like this that is just LOADED with inspiration and conversation about current art practices. I am going to learn a lot and evolve a shit ton. I AM GEEKED.

Another class is called the Visiting Artist Lecture Series; I am taking this class with Lisa Jarrett who is full of energy and instills positive thoughts into the setting. She is well known in the community and is familiar with all things Portland Art scene. I am really looking forward to working with her. The class is centered around learning from other artists. Throughout the course of the Trimester, we will be hosting four large Artist Lectures planned my Lisa, and the students get to plan three visiting artist conversation series. The artists are chosen by us graduate students and we are in charge of reaching out and hiring the artists to come to talk with us. We are also responsible for advertising the lecture and hosting the events; this means asking all the questions and sparking the conversation at all times. I am looking forward to this professional experience by getting to know many local artists and learning about their progress, process, struggles, and more. Being able to have conversations with the successful local artist will do a lot for my personal development because I will learn a variety of different successful techniques and get to know more artists in the community. Also in this class, we are in charge of updating the Portland State MFA program website. This means writing summaries of events happening at the University and updating the community on what we are working on in our studios. We are in charge of all social network that has to do with the program. I am looking forward to sharing my work on a larger network.

Another class is Studio. Just working in my studio. I will be here all the time, I am here right now. Catch me on the 5th street staring at the sunset currently. I have my own studio space. It is about 15ft x 20-25ft ish? with a massive window that serves for great natural lighting. On the walls, I have a United States map, of course, with a heart around Dubuque, Iowa & Epping, North Dakota & Portland Oregon & Kalaloch National Park. All my favorite places. I also have a lot of embroidery hoops on my walls…. haha only 5 have color and I probably have like 20. I just like them and I want to have color on all of them, but I am obviously going to focus on other things that hoop embroidery. Um, I have a bomb ass wooden desk that has all my sharpies, my favorite plants, sketchbooks, yarn, thread, pencils, and water bottle. Um, on my desk, while I am working I usually have my honking laptop out on this nice pull out cutting board thing and my iPad mini. My iPad usually is fulling my tunes while my phone is dying on the charger because Apple sucks and I can’t charge my phone and listen to headphones at the same time .. same with my iPad. But my iPad has a longer battery life so that's why I use him for music. Ummm I have a comfy chair in the corner for whoever decides to visit m,. come by whenever! um, I have a lot of plants because they bring me joy and make me feel like I’m not alone in this white blob. I have paintings on the wall. I didn’t want to decorate too much because I am going to be working on work, messy work in here as well. gotta have room for my enormous creations. So I am really thankful for this studio I am going to be in this spot every damn day. The class: Studio consists of critique. it is designed that we are in critiquing each other's work every week but we are rotating every week. SO my work will be under critique by my classmates every other Wednesdays. I love critique tho. My cohort is full of 6 students and 1 professor for the class, Laura. Looking forward to hearing everyone's ideas and progress throughout the year.

Last class is meeting with 2 mentors throughout the semester. So the professors of the term are Erik (sculpture) and Lisa( from my other class) I meet with both of them at least 3 times a term. I invite them into my studio and I tell them my thoughts, ideas, where I am currently and where I am thinking about going with my work. It will be nice to have thoughtful conversations with inspirational people in my favorite workspace. I think I will be writing about these meetings quite a bit because I do think they will be crucial to my personal development. Professional criticism every week. I feel very thankful that I will have that.

That's my classes. I probably didn’t do it justice because half way thru I wanted to stop writing and pick up my yarn but I didn’t. stay tuned for more, I will be more thoughtful. I just wanna get this blog going without thinking too much about it. Its gonna be a mess, I think, but it will really help me out along the way. I hope you enjoy checking in and seeing what I am working on and different things that inspire me in different ways.

For my class, we need to update this thing once a week, so I promise.. there will always be something new going on on this page. Whether it's really bad like this one or it's really professionally written and thought about. The goal for school is to document everything, that's the way you get to really get to know yourself in the larger spectrum of things.

ok, that's it. I think I’m going to look for all my favorite things now. && post all the things I have started this past week. let me know what you think! contact me at eduehr@pdx.edu or em.duehr@gmail.com whenever! just to talk or ask any questions! I like to be challenged and spark conversations about any subject.

I hope you had a beautiful sunny day today and did something for someone else today. quit being so selfish, do me a favor, next time you don’t like your meal or couldn't finish it, box it up and give it to someone on the street. Ask people how their day is going. If someone walks onto the bus on crutches and a leg brace and is holding 5000 bags, go help her. if someone is short on change, give it to them. If someone puts back a snickers bar in the grocery store because she decided “she didn’t need it” buy it for her… because I did this once... a little too late. I watched it happen. she put back her Snickers bar and I said: “Hey girl, go on, treat yourself” (yeah I’m a freak sometimes) and she said “thanks!! yeah I think I do deserve it” and she picked it back up and she I guess was short on change, but I didn’t know that until it was too late. I shoulda bought that snickers bar for that woman… because she deserved it.

[furiousconnoisseurcomputer-blog]

family guy volcano insurance quote

"family guy volcano insurance quote

family guy volcano insurance quote

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://insureinfo.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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my family currently has 4 cars on Geico insurance. Im 16 years old and when i got my license, the cost of our insurace rose to $1200 more a year. Now, im looking to buy my own car but my dad claims buying another car will raise it to $1800. Can someone explain this to me please? Does your insurance raise everytime you buy a new car? And is the fact that we have 4 cars making my share of the insurance cost more?""

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Ok so im about to turn 16. my parents said they would get me a car, but only if i paid my own insurance. can u please tell me how much it would be a month. and what company would be the lowest price. i dont know if u need this info but. im 16. white ( someone told me it matters?), i live in florida (palm beach county), and the car will probably be an audi a4. thanks for help""

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Does my aunt need insurance to drive with a learners permit in CA?

My aunt just got passed the written test in the DMV and got a learners permit. I will be the one who will teach her how to drive. I have a valid CA license and the car we are driving is my uncle's. It is insured in his name, but he added me to his policy. Do we need to go to the insurance company and add my aunt to the policy or can I just teach her because I am insured with the car.""

Can California Civil Code 827 be used to enforce mandatory renters insurance?

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Classic / antique auto insurance in ny cheap?

Im looking to get cheap classic auto insurance. for a car thats more than 25 years old. Its going to be a show car, and rarely be driven. Liability only. I live in NY, so company must be available in NY, and be cheap. Thanks.""

Is There A Way Of Finding Insurance Prices Without Owning A Car In The First Place?

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On average what do you think motorbike insurance would cost me? Im 17 and looking to get a 125CC motorbike. Please dont tell me to go onto sites and check because im not sure what bike im getting but it will be a 125CC.

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I'm just looking for a new/nearly new style Ford KA and looked at some insurance quotes and ive noticed that nothing comes in cheaper than 360. It's not what I'm driving as I've looked at smaller cars such as Peugeot 107's and Citroen C1's (both new and older cars). They all come out with nothing cheaper than 360! I had a brand new KA back in 2003 and that was only 260 for insurance (I do understand that insurance has gone up in 10 years!), but why cant I get anything cheaper? I'd see myself as a model driver as I've been driving for 11 years, never had an accident, never claimed on my insurance, never been booked or had any points and I'm now in the 'older' bracket! Please can someone explain, or reassure me that it's not just me this is happening to?""

Getting a Permit in TX increases insurance rate?

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""I am looking for affordable health insurance company for myself, I an single male 40 years old. I dont need?""

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family guy volcano insurance quote

family guy volcano insurance quote

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""What are average prices for life, health, and auto insurance (any company)?""

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Car insurance for 17year old help?

basically i want online to see how much it cost to insure a 1.2 corsa but everytime i go on insurance sites i get quotes around the price range of 6000 but my friend got his corsa insured for around 1 grand and he is the same age as me, he now drives a ford focus which is a 1.6 but he pays 1.6grand so i was wondering why, what am i doing wrong? do i have to call the up to get a cheaper quote because no matter what i input on insurance site to make it cheaper it still ends up come up around 6grand.""

How much would i pay for car Insurance?

How much would i pay for car Insurance for cheap car that cost me honda accord 2000,I am 28 Years old, never been in any accident,I got my license 8 years ago""

How can I get car insurance for a classic car? And how much would it cost (roughly)?

I grew up loving classic mustangs, corvettes and camaros (had all the hotwheels!) and I'm interested in purchasing an older car. The few cars I'm interested in were typically ...show more""

Classic Car Insurance for a 16 year old?

I recently got my license and am looking at getting a Datsun 240Z to be my first car. My parents are completely supportive of this choice so please don't answer saying that it's a terrible choice. I am willing and eager to learn how to work on cars. Since insurance is so expensive, I'm looking at getting classic car insurance for it. I know they aren't supposed to be used for a daily driver, but doing some math, I calculated that I won't be driving for more than 3,000 miles annually, even if I commute daily. My problem is finding a company that can insure me. Most, understandably, don't seem to want to insure anyone under 25. I was wondering if anyone knew a company that could cover me. I currently have a 3.8 GPA and am in multiple AP courses. I've heard that there are good student discounts, so that may help. Also, I need to be able to get coverage without having a second car to be my daily driver. This is probably impossible, but if anyone could help me, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!""

How much will your insurance go up by if you get a brand new car?

im thinking about getting a Honda civic 2012 and if my insurance is going to rise like by 100-150 $ im not going to get it but i was wondering how much will it rise by if a get a new car i also have been in minor accident and my insurance is about 250 one way and it is with statefarm im a toronto citizen so only in toronto prices

How much is car insurance for a 17 year old boy.?

i am international student from china. i really want to have my own car, but my guardian told me the insurance for teens is very expensive. i want to know how much is it per year or per month. i live in mn""

How much is motorcycle insurance for a 21 year old?

I'm 21 and I'm gonna get a motorcycle I just wanted to know how much some of you 21 year olds pay for motorcycle insurance

I am looking for affordable car insurance?

husband has restricted licence. neither of us have had tickets or accidents.

Im 18 years old and need insurance.. Any ideas?

I need some help.. I'm only 18 years old and living with my boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years. I have been thinking about insurance on myself lately. He has it through his parents but I don't have it at all. I cant afford to much since I only work part time and I'm also attending college as a full time student.

Does getting a parking citation raise your insurance rates?

I just got a ticket for parking near a fire hydrant and I wanna know if my insurance will be higher, i can't find any answers on my insurance website. And, does anyone know exactly what constitutes a no-parking zone, cause i have to pay 40 more for that too and the spot wasn't marked. Gahh i don't want my parents to know unless they absolutely have to!!!""

Do you have to have insurance in you're 16 and only have a permit?

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How to get proof of financial responsibility?

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Can anyone recommend a good dental insurance company that offers orthodontic coverage? ?

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family guy volcano insurance quote

family guy volcano insurance quote

""How much would an insurance company give me to repair Keying damage, three hood dents, and 3 areas of chips?""

My car was badly vandalized about a month ago and i made a claim to my insurance company. I originally decided to take my car into one of their many One Stop shops, where i would only have to pay the 250 dollar deductible and have my car completely repaired. Since then i was laid of from work and have been going through alot of money trouble. I have been considering just having an adjuster come out and write a check for the damages and repair only some of the damage at a friends shop. My question is... how much would the adjuster write off for... Deep key scratches down to the metal, a line all around the car. (20 feet) Three dents on the hood (about 6in diameter) three areas that where hit, and began to chip( about 5in in diameter each) It seems desperate. I know, because i am. I would appreciate any answers, please do not judge me and this situation, i'm just curious if it would be a somewhat wise decision. If you have nothing nice to say, please refrain from commenting, im depressed enough as it is. Thanks!""

Auto Insurance Question?

I am a new driver and I just received my G2 a couple of moths ago. I am trying to get auto insurance at a cheep rate. I tried to add my name to my dads insurance (Johnson insurance) and their quote was 120 per month which seems a but excessive as I am only a casual driver. I was just looking for some advice and wondering if I should pay 120 per month or try elsewhere or try to barging with them Thanks a lot for any help

Can my ex get car insurance under her own name since we are both on the title?

My ex drives a car that is under both of our name. She lives in a different state now. She recently switched insurance companies and they issued a check under both of our name since the insurance was under both names due to the title. However, I suspect she has gotten new insurance under her name only. Since I co-signed the loan and am on the title to the car, shouldn't the insurance be under both names?""

Do i need to have a insurance to get my car inspection?

do i need to have a insurance to get my car inspection?

Who sells the cheapest car insurance?

Who sells the cheapest car insurance?

What car insurance would one recommend that's good and not too expensive?

I currently have geico but paying too much and looking for something more of low cost,any ideas?""

I'm 17 my car is in the garage how much would I be looking at on insurance for a weeks cover on a 106 1.4?

I need to get to work and back so I need to use a car, how much would this roughly cost? THANKS""

Can I buy term life insurance for my aunt who lives in CA?

I live in Florida and was just wondering if I can purchase a term life insurance policy for my aunt in California? Will the term life insurance policy be in my name or her name, because I will be paying for the policy?""

Car insurance cancellation?

I took out an insurance two days ago with a company called (i-kube car insurance). I've been told that I won't be able to drive between the hours of 11pm -5am and if i drive, i will have to pay 45 fine ( a GPS will be installed in my car). I've realised that the insurance is not cheap even though i used my pass plus to get discount. Tesco and Elephant car insurance are even cheaper. They took out my deposit immediately eventhough my insurance will not start till 2nd wk in February. Is it too late to cancel? I haven't received any paper document yet and their website lacks information about cancellation. What shall I do? Should i go with a different company? Would they tell me to pay cancellation fee? They've planned to fix the GPS to my car tomorrow but i haven't agreed to the time yet.""

What kind of health insurance do i apply for?

I have a one year old son and he has had medi-cal off on and they give me so many problems and i'm tired of him having medi-cal. I recently reapplied because they stopped it again, but this time i added his father on there since he has no type of medical insurance either.4 weeks went by and i haven't recieved anything in the mail so i call and ask what is going on. The lady was extremely rude to me and tells me they denied my application because they never recieved a packet that requested birth certificates,social securities, proof of income etc. And i tried to explain to her i never recieved the packet that requested any of that and that's why i was calling to let them know and she said well they already denied you so you need to apply again i'm tired of medi-cal my poor son deserves better.so i was wondering if anyone knew of something else i could apply for? it's just for my son and his father i'm still under my moms insurance so i don't need it but i have to apply for them since i'm the mother of my child obviously. We live off of $400 every 2 weeks and have other things to pay for.so please someone help!""

""CAR INSURANCE FOR A 17-YEAR-OLD, 5000 quotes. Genuinely can't find any quotes less than 5000.?""

1.3 KA 2002, immobiliser, no tracker fitted yet (intend on). Not bought the car. 17-year-old as the main driver and owner, passed a month ago (roughly). I know it's obvious, but KAs are the easiest cars to buy, the car is valued at 995 (the one in mind). I can literally find 5000 quotes. The car is worth less than one fifth of this. And yes, I know that car insurance will be expensive, but reading over forums etc, some people have managed to get it down to 2000. I've tried Diamond, elephant, comparethemarket, gocompare, literally everywhere. Admiral won't give me a quote and places like Tesco will only quote 18-year-olds. I will literally LOVE anyone who knows of any quotes around 2000-3000. And I realise that insurance companies take the Michael, but please don't state the obvious with a comment like Insurance will be expensive - 5000 is about right , surely it can't be, I've found so many forums of people saying they have quotes from 2000, but not telling me where from. ):""

""Visiting CA, do I need to get auto insurance?""

I have an IL driver's license but no auto insurance. I am planning to visit family in CA. Is it legal for me to drive my mom's car without having auto insurance? If not, where can I get short term (2-day) auto insurance?""

Insurance for 1 day...?

I'm going to prom and I have a car but I can't drive it till the summer because that is when my parents wanted to get me insurance for me. The problem is I have prom this Saturday and I really want to go by myself without my parents dropping me off. I can't ride with friends cause I have a date. Just rule that idea out. Please help. Is there anyway I can have insurance for a day or something? It's just for one night and I have my license.

Why doesn't foreigners get to pay insurance?

My friend works for a rental car company and she tells me people who come from abroad don't have to pay for liability or for comprehensive (collision) insurance when they rent a car. This isn't fair for the US citizens who live, work and pay taxes!? When I make a reservation on a website, I have to pay almost $30 a day EXTRA for insurance on a car. That's like half of what the car cost me to rent! Then I gotta pay for insurance when some foreigner could be running a muck, damaging other vehicles because he has free insurance???!!! This is rediculous and I want an answer!""

Car Rental Insurance?

I will be going to the US soon. I am a US citizen but do not live in the US. I will be going to visit family for a month and will be renting a car. My question is this, do I need to get the insurance from the vendor or is there a 3rd party insurance I can puchase? Most of the car rental places have LDW / CDW insurance for purchase but this almost doubles the cost of rental. My credit cards and car insurance here in my country of residence do not cover car rentals so I will have to get something. Does anybody know of a different route to take other than purchasing at the vendor?""

Is buying a sports car going to completely destroy my insurance rates?

Quick run down - I am 22, I work full time, go to school part time, I've had multiple tickets on my record but they were all 2-3 years ago and I will refinance my insurance to deal with that later. Currently I drive a '98 Toyota Corolla and my insurance is $3000 a year (tickets). I am planning on buying a Mazda RX-8 coupe this summer. Will this completely murder my insurance costs? I have Allstate. How much would this really affect my insurance, given my situation. Roughly?""

Can the government require you to buy insurance?

In listening to the Supreme Court arguments about Obamacare a question keeps coming to mind. The major arguing point seems to be: Can the government constitutionally require people to buy health insurance? If the answer turns out to be no, does that mean the government can not require you any insurance? Like car insurance? Don't use the argument that driving is a privilege, not a right. There is ample judicial precedence that says owning a car & driving is, in fact, a right in the U.S. It certainly is necessary to get hired.""

How and why do the British put with with ridiculous auto insurance rates?

I've heard of times where it costs more to insure the car than what the value of the car is worth. How did this happen and why do people let it continue?

Car Insurance Prices??

I'm paying around $400/6 months for my car insurance (liability package, not full coverage). In the last 3 years I've had one ticket, for failure to come to a complete stop at a stop sign on an empty road just because the cop felt like being a prick. Which was like two years ago. I'm 23, and my older brother who has two cars, one of them being an expensive sports car is paying $50 more than me / 6 months for FULL COVERAGE. Why in the world are my costs so damn high? Any suggestions for lowering them? State: WI""

Car insurance. Using car but insurance under my moms name!!!?

HI my mom gave me her car which is insured only under her name and i took it to California from Illinois. I registered the car in California and switched the title to only my name. Can I legally drive around using the insurance card with my moms name on it which is also from Illinois?

Quote for Motorcycle insurance for a Teenager?

I am 19 years old and I live in California. I have liability car insurance and I am on my dads policy. I am planning on getting a 250cc cruiser bike [probably a Honda Rebel (I dont know what year yet)]. I took a motorcycle safety course as well. How much do you think I will be looking at for motorcycle insurance added to my car insurance policy under these circumstances.

Car insurance occupation matter?

I am a first year student a University, in full time education and I am planning to drop out of University within a month or so. My car insurance does say I am in full time education but when I leave; I will be classed as unemployed. If I leave in January, I am technically unemployed, can I still leave my occupation as full time University student? And how would the insurance company find out? Because to change my occupation title; the insurance company is charging 400. I have 8 months left till my renewal and by then I'll have a job and keep my insurance company updated about the changes in my occupation. What are the consequences that can happen?""

Car insurance!?

im looking to get a car and insurance on my own is outragous. the question is my mum has her own car with her policy with NIS. on direct line i want my mum to be the main policy holder with me as an additional driver. is this possible for my mum to have 2 policies on 2 different cars?

How come I can't keep my health insurance coverage?

President Obama stated that under the Affordable Health Care Act that any American that wanted to keep their existing coverage or doctor would be able to. I signed up today and they ...show more

What's the average progressive quotes for a young driver between 18 to 24?

What's the average progressive quotes for a young driver between 18 to 24?

family guy volcano insurance quote

family guy volcano insurance quote

""What are the requirements for getting a license and driving in Tennessee, age,insurance,cost,et cetra.?""

What are the requirements for getting a license and driving in Tennessee, age,insurance,cost,et cetra.?""

Recommended Car Insurance Coverage?

I'm 18 years old and have to buy car insurance for the firsr time on my one. I don't know what level of insurance to get... what's the recommended car insurance coverage amounts?

Is my insurance going to go up?

I was in an accident, and I was the only car involved. The cop didnt give me a ticket and we are not going to claim it to allstate. I want to know if my insurance is going to get jacked up.""

What auto insurance would be good for a 17 1/2 year old?

So out of all those companies which one is the most affordable??

What are auto insurance rates based on and why do some companies cost more than others?

What are auto insurance rates based on and why do some companies cost more than others?

Got a dui an i need some insurance whats the law can i drive some ones car if they have insurance or what can?

Got a dui an i need some insurance whats the law can i drive some ones car if they have insurance or what can?

Motorcycle Insurance (600cc vs 750cc)?

I am picking up a new sportbike (Suzuki GSX-R) here in a couple weeks and I was wondering the average cost of motorcycle insurance per month (or year if you pay gross). The bike will be totally paid off when I purchase. Thank you for your time, Kevin BTW: I am 25yrs old in Florida. It will be either a 600cc or 750cc.""

2004 Mazda rx8 monthly insurance price?

Im 39 years old and haven't had a wreck nor got a ticket since 1982, I have perfect credit. I was wondering about how much it would cost every month for a 2004 Mazda rx8 with geico, or an estimate for another company.""

Rear ended someone with the same insurance (AAA California). Deductible is waived. Who pays for damages?

If insurance pays for damages to their car, will my premium increase? The estimate of damages is larger than my deductible but since it is only cosmetic damages is it worth the risk ...show more""

Please help!!! Auto insurance question?

I'm having trouble trying to get under my dads insurance policy. I've just gotten my license and found a car I was going to buy so I called my Dad's insurance company to try to get under his policy. However they said I cannot go under his policy because she knows that I will be the primary driver as well as the fact that my dad is already the primary driver for two other cars. Without my dad my insurance rate is around $4500/yr. My dad does not speak english very well so I have to do the calling and talking. What should I say and do so I can get under my dads insurance policy? 11 minutes

What is the best Insurance company for car quotes ??? (Cheapest)?

Im looking for a cheap reliable insurance company i can get a qoute for a 2003 Vauxhall Corsa 1.2

Who has the cheapest car insurance?

Who has the cheapest car insurance?

Who offers the best and affordable auto insurance ?

First time buyer, just got drivers license""

Is car insurance cheaper in manhattan than queens?

Is car insurance cheaper in manhattan than queens?

Medical insurance question?

I'm 21 and under my parent's military insurance, I had to be a full time student in order to be back under their insurance. I got my new ID, I'm back on medical insurance but I'm struggling intensively in one of my classes, and I can't find tutoring for this specific class. There's also no book or feedback from my professor, thus making me withdrawing from it. Withdrawing from the class would leave me with 11 credits. Since I already have my ID card, and I'm under medical insurance and have my insurance card and everything, will this effect my eligibility or will I still have medical insurance under my parents?""

Auto insurance wont pay for damages?

I was involved in a bumper to bumper accident(at fault) in a borrowed car(my fathers) here in California. Now i get a call from the insurance that they wont pay for damages to the other vehicle because im not in the policy. Im not excluded from the policy either. My father only has liability insurance. Does the insurance has to pay for damages by law?

How is the government going to make insurance premiums more affordable?

I keep hearing how Americans need more affordable health insurance, but I have yet to hear how they are planning to do this or what results we can expect. Does anyone know how they are going to achieve this for us? How much can we expect our premiums to go down as a result of the reform? Do you think it will be more than what we will pay in increased taxes?""

Car Insurance question?

ok so im a newbie teen at understanding all this so this may sound dumb. When you get car insurance is it insuring the car? or are you getting it to insure you AND the car? my mom said something about adding me onto her insurance as a driver so under her policy that she has she would just add me as a driver? like can someone help me understand like the basics please.

Health insurance after you've turned 18?

My mother receives Social Security checks and insurance (She had cancer, and can't work due to other conditions brought on by the chemotherapy) and because of this, I had medicaid. I turned 18 last month and I'm wondering if I automatically get cut off from her insurance, or if I stay on the plan because I'll be a student in the fall. I know the system for this changed recently, so I have no idea if I still have insurance or not.""

How much to insure for drivers insurance?

Im 16, so I know it will be expensive. I will be getting a 4 Cyl car, either a Honda Prelude, Civic, Accord, Nissan 240sx, something along those lines. I took a drug and alcohol class which takes off 15% and then I got a B average which takes off another 10% can someone please tell me how much it would be a month? Thank you""

MAZDA3 with insurance questions?

u think i'll be charge high cost of car insurance by getting mazda3 sedan..im 18 first time driver and a female i live in san francisco. and how much is mazda3? like with the taxes and everything?? serious answers are greatly appreciated. i want to stay under $20k

How much extra would it be to go on my parents car insurance ?

at the moment my mother is paying 600 a year for car insurance, i was wondering how much extra it would be a year for me to go on her insurance. i am 18 year old girl living in england would it be cheaper for me to get my own insurance or go on hers ?""

""Is it legal to drive in California without insurance? (insurance on the person, not the car)?""

Hi, my car is insured, but I just got my license today and I am not insured. The car is under my parents' name and my dad told me it was legal to drive without insurance... but I am unsure of whether this is true or not. Can someone please clarify? Thanks in advance, Liz.""

How diabetics get affordable insurance w/ maternity coverage if your co. does not offer grp coverage?

My husband's company went to a high deductable health savings account. I can only get one company to insure me, on an indiv. policy. They are too expensive and that does not include maternity coverage. Due to other health issues, I am not able to work right now. Any ideas? HELP! Am I the only one going through this?""

How much does car insurance cost for a 16 yr old in oregon?

i get my license in a few months, what am i looking @ for insurance costs. oregon, age 16, adding to parents insurance, state farm insurance, good grades, drivers ed, a car with no crashes but alot of milage from 1990-2000...under 7k$$. around how much will my insurance per month cost?""

family guy volcano insurance quote

family guy volcano insurance quote

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