#anyway it was fun mixing it up! everything in this post was media i experienced (or re-experienced lol) within the last year

[songofwizardry]

so for the past few years, i have made a list of 'things i really liked this year' in december, and it's never gone beyond ramblings in my notes app, but this year, finally, it is going on tumblr! mainly bc i enjoy talking about things and i can guarantee i will have forgotten about some of these things in a year and i like records.

so, here we go—a fairly chaotic list of media i enjoyed in 2023 (with links where possible!)

words (prose, poetry, etc):

the word for world is forest by Ursula K. Le Guin [prose]: i have been intending to read this for years, and i finally picked it up at the start of 2023, and it is incredible. it's fairly brutal, but it was... idk, i have not read anything else that captures the violence inherent in colonisation and the effects of the decolonial project this well. what a book

your emergency contact has experienced an emergency by Chen Chen [poetry collection]: this poetry collection was very good and pretty fucking heavy (cw for homophobia throughout) and extremely emotional and made me feel many, many seventeen-year-old-me feelings. honourable mentions to higher education (excerpt here) and doctor's note.

a master of djinn by P. Djèlí Clark [prose]: i did not read as much sff as i wanted to this year, but i did read this one, and it's great. i adore fatma. i want all her outfits. the alternate cairo is super cool. the angels. it's a really good read. there's a pretty good tor dot com review of it here, if you're interested.

darius the great is not okay and darius the great deserves better by Adib Khorram [prose]: i read a truly ridiculous amount of YA this spring/summer. some of it was incredible, some of it was less-so, but i thought at least one YA book should be on here. this was one of my favourites. both books are lovely, a really-well written look at both living with depression and the challenges and joys of being a mixed-race kid. also, Sohrab is a sweetie.

audio & music (yes music-y videos are in here don't question my organisation):

now and for always from the Watermill theatre's revival of the lord of the rings musical [music + video]: i have loved the soundtrack of this musical for years, and then the Watermill ran it over the summer and i had the incredible luck to go watch it, and it was phenomenal. this song makes me cry literally always, Nuwan Hugh Perera as Sam is amazing, and the whole musical but particularly this song with actor-musicians worked so well.

solidarity forever with Billy Bragg at the elmwood starbucks strike [music + video]: i started off this year on strike, and as such was both picking picket music and listening to a lot of Billy Bragg just for. general motivation yknow. anyway this video is posted by Aisling Ayers, who got up to sing with Billy Bragg, and it's really good. it makes me emotional every time.

artist: known from WBUR's Endless Thread [podcast]: this episode was how i got into Endless Thread, which is great fun on my commute, and – as a wrinkle in time fan – the history behind the artist of the cover was fascinating. it's a really interesting episode, and it made me emotional about old sff art.

you're gonna go far by Noah Kahan, from stick season (we'll all be here forever) [music]: this album is actually one of the very few new pieces of english language music i listened to all year (ok this and the new Hozier album) and honestly it's such a good album, incredible song after incredible song. this one is my favourite though. i have been writing more this year, and this one has been on repeat while i've been writing for the last few months.

video:

disney channel's theme: a history mystery by Defunctland [video essay]: look 1 i know we've all watched it by now and 2 yes it was posted in late 2022 but i didn't watch it till 2023 but this may be... my favourite video essay ever? it has everything. the anxiety of wondering if the mystery will be solved. the twist. the impeccable fucking editing. the emotions. the little aside about being a documetarian. it's so good.

the largest telescope that will ever be built* by Tom Scott [video]: we have one (1) more of Tom Scott's regular monday videos before he goes on leave/sabbatical/etc, and he has given us so many gems over the last several years, it's hard to even pick a favourite from this year. but this one is really fucking good. i'm biased though, there's telescopes in this one.

rehearsing a string quartet while speaking different languages by TwoSetViolin [video]: ("salmon, why is this not in the music section?" because there are no rules. this is my list). i fell down a TwoSetViolin rabbit hole at the start of the year, and you must understand i know nothing about music. can't play a single instrument. can't read sheet music. absolutely fuck all. but i am obsessed with this video. i can't recommend it enough. it's hilarious, it's an incredible show of skill, my multilingual heart enjoyed it immensely, and they clearly had a lot of fun with the subtitles and notes.

escape the greenroom - Gamechanger season 5 episode 9 [video, dropout exclusive]: if you are not watching Gamechanger yet i cannot emphasise how much you should because it is honestly fucking incredible, and every season has done more and more weird and fun things with the format, but season 5 really blew the previous ones outta the water. this episode was incredible. i won't spoil it, but here's the opening on YouTube shorts. if you have watched it, it's 100% worth a rewatch btw

plagiarism and you(tube) by hbomberguy [video essay]: you knew it was coming. it's the video of the year. this is the logical conclusion of roblox oof + who wrote caramelldansen + the author of homestuck contacted me just going to a like. whole other level. what a video. more twists than you could ever predict. iconic work. well worth the several hours.

to hurt is to heal - critical role campaign 3 episode 79 [actual play]: i've been so good. i have not put any cr on here so far. everything else on here you do not need to watch several hundred hours of media to understand. there had to be at least one though, because of who i am as a person. anyway this may be my... favourite cr episode ever? at least in my top 3. (no spoilers, promise.) it's got fey bullshit. it's got a fun twist thing i didn't see coming. it's got... asmr? it's got reveals stacked on reveals in a precarious jenga tower. great episode.

ok. there are several more things that could've ended up on this list (including more books and a lot of not-English music), but i will stop here. 2023 has been a wild, wild year with a lot of really incredible happenings and some fairly Intense Times, but hey, let's see what 2024 brings—probably more video essays and more podcasts and more critical role compilations, and (maybe?? if we're lucky???) alecto the ninth. happy new year, folks!

[stoppit-keepout]

This is a meme post! “Name your favourite female character from 10 different media things” is the gist (i copied the text but then i navigated away and ended up copying over the text with this link to a tweet about madoka magica so...), and i need to thank @simmonsized​ for tagging me! i’m gonna try to stick to things i’ve watched/read in the last year or so, to keep things fresh :) LET’S GOOO:

1. Kanamori Sayaka from Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken! I love this precious capitalist child ;; she’s practical and determined and fucking hilarious

2. Alexis Rose from Schitt’s Creek. Never gonna recover from her “Other people aren’t thinking about you the way you’re thinking about you” advice!

3. Cheyenne Lee from Superstore. i just think she’s neat c:

4. Kiryuin Satsuki from Kill la Kill. is she a fascist dictator? or is she actually a girlboss?? you just hate to see a strong young woman crushing her opposition

5. Kamado Nezuko from Demon Slayer. she rewrote her biological needs to just be “nap”. role model with a heart of gold.

6. Noi from Dorohedoro. this was a CLOSE BATTLE between her, Nikaido (unf), and Ebisu (;;) but ultimately i gotta just be true to myself and embrace an earnest giant with questionable morals and unshakeable loyalty.

7. Nile Freeman from The Old Guard. she is ride or die virtually instantly for four immortal weirdos and i love and respect her for that. (also: un! flap! (p)able!)

8. Bel Siara from Winter’s Orbit/The Course of Honour. SPEAKING OF UNFLAPPABILITY. more competent than any one person needs to be, unless that person happens to be Kiem’s aide, in which case she’s like. just qualified <3

9. Susana from Holy Camp!/La Llamada. words cannot do justice to my experience of this movie lol, and Susana was KEY to that

10. Orla Josephine McCool from Derry Girls. WOULD DIE FOR ORLA.

tagging anyone who wants to play!!

[im-fairly-whitty]

@mightywolfmouse kindly said I could answer this as an ask post since my thoughts on the matter are a bit lengthy, so here goes!

The short answer is that in my opinion you’ve already landed on the best of the lot in the while Witcher franchise as TW3 is a magnificent and beautiful game that has a great time with the book’s canon while still treating it with respect. I own the game on two platforms now and have sunk so many hours into it and I agree that it’s probably the best way to fall in love with the world of Witcher in general.

Which is a good thing since the rest of the media can be a little…hard to love at times. 😅

NETFLIX SEASON 1: For my part Netflix season 1 was my first exposure to the Witcher, and from what I’ve gathered the Netflix is best experienced first and not second, since if you know nothing about the world but still like the show you’ll have a pretty good time once you’ve gotten the very confusing non chronological timeline thing figured out. The fights are great, the monsters are cool, and Jaskier is the accidental star of the show who went on to inspire the vast majority of the tumblr fandom’s activity, much to the horror of the Reddit dudebro population.

If you’ve already played TW3 though Netflix season 1 may feel somewhat lacking since Geralt is played as a kinda pushy and nearly nonverbal kind of asshole-ish guy instead of the warm quippy adventurer in Projekt Red’s games or the world weary but rather sweet book character. The show also tries its darndest to make Ciri and Yennifer the main characters instead of side characters like in other media with mixed results. I’d say it’s worth a watch if your standards aren’t set too high and you’ll have a decently good time.

NETFLIX SEASON 2: In season two they do a much better job of making Yen both likable and engaging instead of just overpowered and angry, making her relatable and human instead of just Hashtag Girlboss energy cranked up to eleven. They’ve also managed to start decoupling her from her womb-quest which is definitely one of the more badly aged elements to have come out of the original books. If you are a Yennifer fan definitely give season two a go, but be warned that if you hold anything about the school of the Wolf, Kaer Morhen, or Lambert/Eskel/Coen near or dear to your heart you will be wildly betrayed and disappointed so honestly low key skip ahead whenever it comes on screen.

THE OG BOOKS: I wanted so badly to like the books and maybe I’ll try them again someday, but as an English major and story crafter they hurt my head too much to choke down. The story telling is actually pretty clever and charming all around with fun spins on fairytales…except for the fact that practically every single fucking time a female character comes on screen everything goes to beans and is super weirdly written until she leaves. Characters become two dimensional, motivations turn to jello, descriptions veer leering and simpering. Then she leaves and all the male characters recover and the story goes back to being pretty decent.

I’ve read so so many books in my time, many of which are products of their time ect but these ones just put such a bad taste in my mouth I ended up dropping them, which is a shame but also I was getting all the important excerpts from the fandom anyway. Yen especially has such a bad time being a Hashtag Girlboss while simultaneously juggling her meaningless in the face of apparently having no true claim to womanhood if she can’t birth a child herself that the fact that she was written by a man in 1986 is very unforgettable. Overall the books have fantastic worldbuilding and set the foundation for so much great stuff, but don’t expect much from his female characterization at least in the first book. It’s full of gems but is also very much a panning for gold experience where you’ll have to sift through a lot of weirdly sexualized dirt clods.

OTHER GAMES: Projekt Red has certainly worked to milk their cash cow for all its worth, and have Witcher 1 (which I’m playing right now and is old but charming, and a clear grandparent of TW3, def worth it when you’ve exhausted the third) Witcher 2 (haven’t played it yet but it’s waiting in my steam library when I’m done with 1) Gwent the card game (which is kinda niche but I fucking adore it, the card art is gorgeous and I literally spent an entire summer obsessed with playing it, also delightful since it pulls in canon from all their other Witcher games into the same classy art style) Thronebreaker (an extension of the Gwent game but built around a story world as you collect cards, I didn’t get into it myself but it was pretty good stuff) and Witcher Pokémon Go (I tuned in during the buggy launch and appreciated it for what it was but ultimately couldn’t be arsed to walk that much in the year of our pandemic 2021) and I think I’m missing a mobile game or two but those are all the important ones I think.

OTHER SHOWS AND MOVIES: I have not watched the young Vesemir castlevania Netflix anime but heard very distressed comments from a friend about it since it reportedly the charge in burning school of the Wolf canon that season two witcher continues. Probably will not personally watch but hey, hot young Vesemir has got to have some merits. There are also several old films made about Geralt back before the games which vary wildly in quality, there’s a very charming one with an excellent Dandelion that I’ve seen referenced in fandom but when I tried to watch it I accidentally got a janky old TV series with pornographic misogyny in it so be sure to do your research and get the titles right if you seek them out! 😂 (although baby geralt was raised by actual wolves for like a month during his training in that one which was cool I guess?)

Ultimately the best part of loving the Witcher is slowly hoarding all the canon knowledge you can from every crevice you find it in and then crowing in delight when you recognize it being used or referenced in another game/show/cosplay/book/fanfic. What you end up partaking in is totally up to you, just as long as you’re enjoying wherever it is you’ve wandered, but hopefully this gives you a decent roadmap to start wandering with!

[cloveroctobers]

YASMIN DOUGLAS—

IG info/Bio: @/imyasmin_d | 11.6k followers | hello & ahlan 🎶

23-24 years old depending on her birthday (I’m thinking too much about timelines since i know some shows aren’t live and if they filmed it prior & it’s just being shown to us now...then there’s the boat party that comes in after, you get what I’m saying right? No? Okay)

Moroccan heritage

she was born in fes along with her baba

Father works in the carpet & rug manufacturing industry and worked in his father’s business from the young age of 16

her mother is from Essaouira & has often stated that she couldn’t stand Yasmin’s father the first time they met but she wouldn’t want to travel through this life with anyone else

Her father and mother came from two different lifestyles. All he knew how to do was hard work yet he had a sarcastic but playful side to him whereas her mom came from a family that was more financially stable & she was free to do whatever! mainly hanging at the beach with her friends without a care in the world, she was privileged and a little uppity while her father’s life seemed to be planned out from the day of his birth

Yet they still fell in love and decided to leave Morocco months after they got married at 21 & 24 & not too long after they had yas they left for England

She was raised in Kent, England

The Atmosphere led to her boho lifestyle...being exposed to castles, gardens, and underground tunnels from time to time shaped her into what she felt she was meant to be. She loved her second home

they call her “yazzy”

Parents follow islam...Which Yasmin respects but is not strongly devoted to

Can speak & write in Arabic but seems to do better in writing

Her paternal grandparents fault her parents for not teaching her to excel at both & feel that if they weren’t in such a rush to leave home she would speak Arabic better

Which made Yasmin feel like shit. Her paternal grandparents were strict on keeping their customs alive whereas her maternal grandparents were carefree as long as they got to see their granddaughter alive & well that was good enough for them

Idk maybe a only child or has a older brother? I don’t feel like she comes from a big family sibling wise

her mother made her a stuffed purple sheep that she took everywhere with her as a kid & continues to keep close to her. Y’all had imaginary friends? Well Yasmin had a real friend she could see & squeeze the life out that didn’t require talking and hugging the air, but that’s fine do u

100% collects beanie babies until this day but lil yamb is the number one princess in her household

As her significant other you have to be okay with lil yamb sleeping in between y’all that’s just the way it is

These stuffed babies are her comfort when no else can be

she’s a singer/songwriter. Went to uni for it & finished a semester early

Went through multiple hell experiences when it came to interning & temping while still in school & after

Let’s just say she wasn’t down to f*ck her way to the top

this made her anxiety act up, these people made her feel like she wouldn’t be good enough to show the world her craft & it’s didn’t have to be the world, just someone who would listen

But she couldn’t give up, there was nothing else she saw herself doing. She knew this is what she was meant to do but she couldn’t lie and say that her insecurities didn’t get the best of her most days

Although the cons seemed to out way the Pros some days, she kept at it & found herself a solid team that knew what she was about and understood her soul

Was definitely the student who loved all her English classes & when she spoke up everyone found it shocking since she preferred to just write everything out rather than “participate in group discussions”

I feel like her singing voice sounds similar to Jessica mauboy’s (if you don’t know who that is & you’re a fan of r&b/pop check her out or if you’re just curious that works too lol)

Knows her music notes like the back of her hand, duh!

Fav color is royal blue, especially on her eyelids & nails

Occasionally sleeps in rollers to keep her hair wavy

Needs her space when it comes to disagreements, they stress her out & she panics a bit when things go wrong so she feels like she needs to leave the situation rather than talk it out right then and there

She’ll talk when she’s ready, she just needs someone that’s a little patient with her that’s all

Words of affirmation is her love language? When she figures out how to balance her love life with her work life that is. When she’s feeling confident she’s smooth with words but when she needs to show you how much you mean to her & she really takes the time to think it out & feel her emotions, she’s writing you a song or you’re the inspiration to it or a poem, leaving you little love notes on blue post-it’s around the house, will write 50 reasons why she loves you on Valentine’s Day, and will say so when it’s just the two of you in your own comfort

Isn’t too crazy about public displays of affection but will deff hold your hand if that’s something you or she wanted in that moment

I think she’s fluid

Hasn’t been in many relationships. Sure she goes on tour every other year and gets to meet many people but they’re not solid relationships, they’re hookups and she hasn’t done many of those either

Had maybe one or two solid relationships: a androgynous woman that uses she/they pronouns & was in a rock band & a cis male she met at a tattoo parlor his step-brother owned (he kinda favored seb but we’re not going to speak on that)

I believe she wants to get married someday but isn’t so keen on the idea of kids. The furthest she’ll go is adopting a couple of animals. She’ll be a pet mom! I feel like she’ll be anxious looking after the life of a human being when it’s extremely hard to do so not only for herself and the love of her life & you want to add kids to the mix?! Fucking hell! but that could change? Who knows what life can throw at u

Has a hedgehog named Sonia that she drops off at her parents for their weekly sleepovers

Loves lace—mostly bralettes & crotchet clothing

I see her as a corduroy girl too. She has at least some rusty brown low-rise corduroy pants or/and a jacket

owns a crotchet kit, she’s bloody good at it too

Loved pink & purple (still likes them, they’re her 2nd & 3rd fav colors) so much as a kid that she tried to dye her hair half & half while her parents went out on their date night...it was also the weekend before school pictures :)

Says she got her inspiration from starfire & raven. She was only 13 at the time & had braces. Her father approved saying she’s a kid and she should be allowed to express herself. He only said that because his own parents barely let him & his brothers have their own fun

Her mother thought it was atrocious and did her best to get it out with the help of her other hair stylists friends (her mother worked in plenty of beauty shops once she got to England, until she decided to convert their basement into her own shop) who she invited over to see what her daughter had done but when you use certain permanent dyes...

It didn’t completely damage yasmin’s hair plus it was just hair, Yasmin didn’t see the big deal. She thought she looked splendid

Anyway, massive fan of ballroom dancing

She’s got a great ear to begin with so it was extremely fun twirling around while wearing pretty ballroom gowns

Took boring etiquette classes as a form of punishment? After the whole teen Titans inspiration thing “went wrong”

Enjoys western films

yes she owns a cowgirl hat & some boots too so sue her, she likes what she likes

Knows how to lasso but hates doing it to animals but she’ll do it to you :) (*gags* lmao why???)

Also loves visiting western towns & learning some history or at least experiencing what it was like

Type of significant other that will do her best to persuade you to stay in a treehouse airbnb, a cabin, the fucking Idaho potato, or camping out in her Volkswagen van in the middle of nowhere!

Has faux cow rugs, wicker baskets, wicker chairs in her flat, hangs some plants in glass jars & bottles all over her house

Her flat is very bright & vibrant: white, mocha brown, tan, yellows, & pastel purple

When it comes to decision making, she’ll make them pretty quick but only if it comes to choosing desserts

nobody is touching her mom’s meskouta orange cake WITH syrup

the dessert eater that always picks the one that has a surprise inside, meaning it has to ooze out with SOMETHING to make it 10x more satisfying

Leaning towards Buddhism, had studied some of their beliefs and found it resonates with her spirit

Fan of neon lights, probably has a few neon signs in her flat preferably on her brick wall in the loo, “to give u comfort as you go!” “that...actually makes sense.” Tai commented as he rubbed his chin coming to terms with yasmin’s reply. While Iona scowls, “no, no it doesn’t. I feel as if it’s an invasion of my bits!” “...Sorry you feel that way.”

tai & ciaran are automatically deemed as her brothers since she came into the villa with them. She had time to connect with them unlike anyone else. It was just the way the stars wrote their story and it showed outside of the villa too. they often crash at her place all the time when they’re in town & vacation all the time together when their schedules line up + it never feels like she’s third wheeling

“TaiTower” & “BB-Ci” are their names in her phone, Tai picked his own name while the “bb” stands for “best buds” for ciaran —which is a joke since he drunkly called himself so + he loves everyone when he’s drunk

You can always count on her to belt the lyrics to a Chaka Khan, TLC, or paula abdul joint when she’s drunk lol

As for the girls? She’s close with miki 😒 they just seem to be on the same wavelength when it comes to the pressure of the media since they have some sort of fame which increased with them being on the Telly. They bond over that & from there they’ve built a solid friendship

She could also be friends with AJ too (if you didn’t get swiped from her that is lmao!) they’re sorta opposites with aj being high energy/active while Yasmin is more mellow & “mysterious” but seem to connect in different ways: their sexual indentities, insecurities/anxieties, having something to be passionate about but at the same time maybe not? She might lean towards elladine or Genevieve if she had to make a choice?

Aquarius sun + cancer moon

so she’s still 23 y’all, I got it! I can’t do math sorry

“Freddie Mercury was probably my dad in my past life.”

Can play the banjo, guitar, & oud

Participates in hot yoga weekly

If she’s not with mc in the end and continues dating around if anyone from season two: LUCAS, Kassam, Gary, Rocco, maybe Blake? I originally thought Elisa but she’s probably too much for yas let’s be honest here lol they’d be better off as friends

Omg I forgot marisol! Imagine that?! Whew!!!

Season three: maybe Lily? But what if? Me being the slightly messy bitch that I am? Something happening with her & AJ. Now that?! Would be some chaotic shit “from the outside looks of it” name the irrelevant person behind the quote...now!

I’d like to see her interact with allerga but there could be something with her & cherry. I’m thinking cherry, Yasmin, & priya would bond well but we’re not here to talk about that

Getting rid of the physical aspect I genuinely think she’d do well with marisol, Lucas, or kassam. They’d mesh well I think in a relationship

She’s a body shimmer girl for sure!

Loves silk or satin robes

she’s a shortie, 5’2 to 5’5

Is learning Spanish

Loves arcade games, come see her in pinball & Pac-Man!

Quarantine life did not change her lifestyle much, but it did slightly mess with her mental health :/

loves the fall time, feels like she can slow down some and really spend time with family and friends

I feel like she has one best friend outside of the villa & that’s good enough for her!

They met their first year in uni & been close ever since

She doesn’t speak to the temporary friends she grew up with anymore & is often confused why they feel the need to keep up with her in the media which added more annoying worries to her heart but whatever right? Keep your eyes on the horizon

celebs she finds/found attractive: Aaliyah—especially when she played in queen of the damned, Kehlani, Zazie Beetz, Fivel & Booboo Stewart, Lakeith stanfield, Leah Lewis, Sofia Carson, Ryan gosling, & Nick Jonas

She listens to: jade bird, Yebba, Elli Ingram, Wafia, Zeina, Summer walker, Tanerèlle, Mariah the scientist, Teyana Taylor, Tove Lo, lady Gaga, Ra Ra Riot, Empire of the sun, & smallpools

Anthem? Diana Gordon — Rollin’

[nosferatyou]

Double Indemnity: Ch.1 (Josh Kiszka x Reader)

Summary: After an incident their freshman year they could barely stand to look at each other. Now it’s their senior year and are grouped together for their final project. What could go wrong?

Warnings: Cursing

WC: 2.3k

Authors note: Well. I flipped into Josh’s lane and thought of this sucker and couldn’t get it out of my head. After I heard the story behind the writers of “Double Indemnity” I just had to make this. Heres to me hopefully finishing a series! Enjoy!

Let’s go back to the day when I “met” Josh Kiszka and when I actually met Josh.

It was the summer before my freshman year of college, and at that point, film sets weren’t a stranger to me. But I sure didn’t have the experience that most of the already film majors around me had. I was roped in by my long time friend Jack who I hadn’t spoken to since graduation, but due to the circumstances, he needed as many crew members as possible. He had 2 days to write, shoot, and cut together a short film. I was a PA (production assistant) and was frantically running around helping in any way I could. I was smart enough to stay out of the way and speak up when needed.

 I met most of the crew except one, the cinematographer/camera op, who was the busiest on set. The exception being Jack, who was the director. I heard the camera OP was only there because he had the nicest camera, but my mind may have tainted what I heard about him that day.

With only an hour to spare we had finished the film. All of us dehydrated and starving, sleep-deprived too. I was cradling a horrendous migraine from the lack of water and was ready to leave before someone suggested we go to Cookout. Which is arguably the best food at 3 am. 

Against my will, I was dragged to the fast-food restaurant with the rest of the crew. At that point, I was barely conscious and sat in the back seat of Jack’s car. The stranger cinematographer who I hadn’t noticed was next to me until he tapped my shoulder. With a concerned look, asked me if I was okay and needed anything. Which was nice of him considering we’d never spoken. 

After the short exchange of words, he never seemed to fully leave my side. May it be his glances from across the table with the same concerned look, or him bring me cups of water, which I still don’t remember him getting up for. 

After that night it would be months until I see him again. 

I didn’t expect him to be in my Post Production class, but I was definitely happy to see him. It was my first day of classes and to see a familiar face was a nice change of pace compared to whirlwind of a day. Though it wasn’t too long after that that my feelings for him changed.

If you’re a film student you’re going to edit a Gunsmoke fight scene, it is basically a right of passage. Anyways I was an experienced editor and of course, was going to cut the fight scene to the beat of an Ennio Morricone song. If we were going to work on a western scene then Ennio was a must. 

 I was damn proud of my work, I seemed to be one of the best editors in the class, josh being right there with me. We didn’t exchange many words, but we kept each other company by simply sitting next to each other. 

Then came the critique day, when everyone watches your video and gives you notes. Usually its never good notes.

 After our class watched it everyone had a lot to say, mostly over small slip-ups I didn’t notice, that’s normal. Josh’s video was next and the moment the music played I was livid, he had used the same exact song, even cut it the same way I did. The worst part was that no one had anything bad to say about it, all good comments. I kept it contained, for the most part. I didn’t verbally say anything, but my constant tapping and dirty looks in his direction said otherwise. I don’t think he’d noticed.

I waited until everyone left and simply gave him a piece of my mind. Maybe I snapped at him… either way, it led to us getting into our first screaming match. Josh saying he “didn’t” copy my video and me disagreeing. I honestly don’t remember how it ended, but I do remember us getting kicked out of the building for it. 

Anyways that was three years ago, and we still hate each other. Yet here we are still in all the same classes, but the difference is we have silent warfares. Constantly competing with each other, showing each other our higher grades, and besting each other’s videos. I can barely stand to hear him talk anymore, but I do have to say. He knows how to make a good line. 

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Even with the cold chill of the November air prickling my skin and the wind whipping my hair, my mood couldn’t be damped. Maybe “chill” is an understatement. Living in “The City by the Lake” aka Chicago brings on the harshest of winters, and as crazy as it seems, I always weirdly miss it when I go back to Michigan. Sure it has it’s many feet of snow, but Chicago makes the wind weirdly dazzling. 

This is my last coffee, I’ll switch to tea. Is something I say every morning when I get up before classes, but here I am again, with an out of place cold brew in hand and a raging caffeine addiction. In hindsight, it is better than my previous vice, cigarettes, but the headaches it brings on is just as bad as missing a cig. My one hand shoved in my pocket and the other is clutching the same cold brew as before. I may have said that I couldn’t be bothered by the weather, but I’m not immune. 

As soon as I enter Columbia’s Media Production building everything becomes flush with warmth. Its a bit uncomfortable really. I remove my gloves and quickly checked my phone, affirming that I’m right on time as always. As I stroll through the halls I tune more into the music, enjoying my free time. There is just something about Chet Baker and Chicago that just mixes so well. 

Todays a good day though, it marks my one year of quitting cigs. Did I mention that I quit? Because I quit. Anyways my roommate made a big deal out of it, I also figured out the coolest riff, I’m kind of shit at making music out of thin air so it’s a big day. 

After taking the long way to my Directing class (Cinema Directing III if you want to get technical) I finally made it to the small class. Most of the class was there, luckily for me my two-year seat partner, Gwen, was already there, waiting where she always does. We met in our Single Cam 1 class and have been inseparable since, well actually Gwen, Cora (the previously mentioned roommate), and I have been inseparable ever since. 

I made my way to my usual seat and peeled my overworn leather bomber jacket off, already feeling more comfortable. Slumping back in my chair I lazily grabbed my sketchbook and pencil out of my bag. Its become a kind of habit to draw my professors and classmates every day, something is just so fascinating about their compositions. I got to work on Gwen who was hunched over, focusing on her book in front of her. I got to work and as soon as I finished up on the basic shapes she quickly sat up, focusing on me. 

“You ready for the final project?” She questioned, stealing my coffee in the process.

“I’ve been working on a few ideas already, but then again I don’t know the assignment yet. I do know I will be grabbing the usual 4 of you the moment he says “groups.”

“Heres to hoping we can pick- Oh!” She almost spilled my coffee when she interrupted herself. 

“I forgot to text you! Happy one year of being ciggy free!” She exclaimed, handing me back the bottle.

I took a swig from the bottle when she gave it back. “Well thank you, darling. I feel like having clean lungs shouldn’t be such an achievement, but I guess here we are.”

“Be proud! Besides gives us a reason to head to Jerry’s.”

“We’d celebrate over anything if it meant going to Jerry’s and getting pissed.” I smirked at her.

“Well. You got me there. Anyways you are right, we will be getting drunk out of our minds tonight. Bless the man who decided to open a bar directly next to your apartment building.” She said, with a playful smile on her lips.

“Bless him indeed.” I laughed. 

At that moment I locked eyes with none other than the aforementioned, Josh Kiszka. It’s oddly enough what we do every time we see each other. Which is more often than I think both of us care for. But seeing him roll his eyes every time I glare at him is kind of fun. 

I followed him with my eyes as he sat down in his seat, instantly sticking his nose in- wait what is he reading? I focused and realized he was reading the screenplay for Tarantino’s “Reservoir Dogs.” Where the hell did he even get that? 

My eyes snapped up to the professor when I realized he started class.

“Alright, I’m just going to jump into this. Today we start on your final projects, and I think it’ll be very fun. A challenge for sure, but fun nonetheless.”

I slipped a sly smile to Gwen, already thinking of the best ideas in my arsenal to use.

“In groups, you all will be recreating a favorite film, but it should max be 20 minutes long. Now that’ll be your job to rewrite and format it so you can fit in the timeframe. Oh, and I swear to god if another person does Pulp Fiction I will actually scream. You can hold me to that.”

Oh Jesus okay this will be hard as hell, I guess something with a simpler plot will be easy. Ooh, or something that’s so overcomplicated I can rewrite it so it’s simpler. What’s something that’d be good for Gwen, she’s a good actress, but she can only play so much-

“I already have your groups picked out let me just put them up on the board.” My professor said, searching for the list on his computer.

Oh god. He’s never done this. We always pick groups. If Gwen and I aren’t grouped together I may just riot. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him drag the document over to the screen, so I quickly directed my attention to it.

I searched all of the lists, finally finding my name at the top of group four. Rob, Eric, and- Oh shit Gwen! Wait. There’s one more. The moment I saw the J I knew exactly who it was. My eyes darted over to Josh’s seat and had the same look I could only guess that was on my face. We both glared at each other, if we stared any harder we’d burn holes in each other.

“Motherfucker!” I whispered to Gwen, trying not to raise my voice.

“What? We are in the same group.” she looked back over to me with confusion on her face. She followed my eyes to the equally angry man across the room from me.

“Oh, shit..”

“Oh shit is right! I can’t work with that guy, I swear to god… Damn it, I can’t think of an insult! Quick help me!” I stammered out, you could practically see the steam coming out of my ears.

“Um... You can’t work with that Frodo look alike?” She suggested, both of us whispering to each other now,

“I’ll take it. I can’t work with that Frodo look alike! He’s just gonna take all of my good ideas and throw them into the lava like that fucking ring. Wait is it Frodo or sam who throws it? Know what, I don’t care. Look at what he’s making me forget important plot points in movies. I can’t work with someone who hinders my thinking process.” 

“First off, Gollum falls in with the ring in hand. Secondly, drink your coffee and focus on what movie we should do. Suggest something so good so fast that it’ll make his head spin.”

She put the almost empty coffee in my hands and I took a swig, still glancing back at josh, making the same face. 

Gwen started to ramble on, her words in the back of my mind. All I could focus on was wanting to be in any other group than his, even Leonard. He refuses to watch a Tarantino film, and simply because he thinks he’s beyond that. Leonard is someone I talk to if only necessary.

 I tuned back in to hear. “I mean if you think about it, as much as you and Josh are to Frodo and the Ring. You’re more like Billy Wilder and Ray Chandler. I mean they hated each other, but damn if they weren’t good writers. Plus, they respect a good line-”

Inspiration was swept over me. I knew exactly what we had to do. Before I knew what was happening my feet carried themself over to Josh’s seat. Same as before, we both had the same expression, except this time it was one of surprise. 

“Double Indemnity!” I blurted out a bit too loudly.

He seemed even more confused. “Double insurance money?” He questioned.

“Fuck. No. It’s the film we are going to make. It’s a fantastic idea, and it’s happening. Not even you can argue with me!” I sped out.

He sat for a moment in thought, his brows furrowed together and a cliche hand positioned on his chin. 

“Fine.” Is all he said, his arms were crossed. He seemed defeated.

I simply turned on my heel and headed back to my seat. An overexcited grin plastered to my face. 

[lakewitchjournal]

Starting Out - 002

So it’s been a couple weeks. Where do I begin? There’s so much, and I feel like I’m trying to tackle it all at once. I’m very eager. I know it’s best just to start with research and focus in one area.

Let’s start with the podcasts.

So far the podcasts have been pretty hit and miss. I think I’m looking for a podcast that’s pretty comprehensive,  but haven’t had much luck. Also having a Bachelor’s in making all things media, I’m certainly overly critical when it comes to quality. There’s been a couple that I’ve taken issue with. Asides of being critical of media, I’m extremely critical of ideologies. A little off topic here, but here’s somethings about me:

I’m anti-capitalist.

I’m an intersectional feminist. (Hi, if your feminism isn’t intersectional, it’s not feminism. TERFs [or FARTs, scum of the Earth, etc] get the FUCK out, don’t interact.)

I’m genderqueer. 

I think (know) money and power are the root of all evil in this world. I despise these things with vehemence. 

I don’t really know where I stand on a political spectrum, and I don’t really believe in this “left and right” thing. All I know is that you either care about people or you don’t. My politics are compassion based. Care for others, care for yourself, care for the Earth. Don’t really know how you could even politicize compassion, but in today’s day and age, it seems that being compassionate is ‘radical’.  (If you must put a label on it, the best I can give you is a mix of the best of socialism, communism, and anarchism/anarcho-syndicalism.)

I don’t know a lot. But I try. I am aware of my short comings and ignorance, and am learning everyday. No one is perfect. I want to learn, I want to be a better and responsible human.

I’m very critical. (If you didn’t know this already.)

I’ve also come to terms with recently that I’m an empath. I’m going to make a seperate journal entry on this in the near future.

I can go on, but I feel like they’ll come up in later posts. 

Anyways, back to podcasts. There’s been some podcasts I’ve run into with a heavy capitalist/right wing leaning and that’s been a huge turn off for me. But something I’ve noticed just exploring within the witch community are some very strange schools of thought that I don’t think mesh with the way of witchcraft. Here are some of the podcasts that I’ve tried:

The Witch Wave ✅

Rating: 8/10 (so far!) 

So far I like this one. There’s a different guest for each episode exploring a huge range of different topics. Only three episodes in, but I’m going to continue listening through.

The Fat Feminist Witch ⚠️

Rating: 5.5/10

This one has really been hit and miss for me. There’s some really great episodes that I’ve really enjoyed and have been extremely helpful for me! And some of the topics are really intriguing. I particularly enjoyed the one about the history of Wicca. But there’s some strong capitalist leanings in some episodes that made me roll my eyes. I’m going to be selective with the episodes I listen to from this podcast.

Down at the Crossroads ❌

Rating: 2/10

I really didn’t like this one. I think just the format of it seemed too much and there’s unnecessary banter that I don’t care to hear between the hosts. Some people love that, I don’t. 

The Wiccan Read-Along Podcast ⚠️

Rating: 6/10

This is basically audiobooks. Quality isn’t great, but it’s presented in a comprehensive way. Phoenix the Reader is easy to listen to. I take some issue with Wicca, but I’m interested in exploring it more! I want to learn everything.

The Hippie Witch ❓

I haven’t gotten into this one too much, but I didn’t really like it. Quality wasn’t great. I’m gonna give it a few more goes.

The Queer Witch Podcast ❓

Again, some biases here, but definitely some very cool thoughts. Need to give a few more goes. Poor quality.

New World Witchery ❓

I really want to like this one since it’s so highly recommended. Poor quality, but I’ll give it a few more goes.

Magick and Mediums ❌🚩

0/10, strongly DO NOT RECOMMEND

Okay so this one started out cool, but then in the second episode the host started talking about Glamour Magic and using it to make herself look ‘thinner’. The way she presented it was very fatphobic. A red flag. In addition to this she said (this is paraphrased, but if you want to confirm this for yourself, listen to the second episode of this podcast ‘Fairy Magic’): “I don’t know how this Glamour magic will work for you if you’re black.” That was a huge red racist flag for me. Stopped listening immediately, don’t recommend. 

I understand that access to a good microphone is a matter of being able to afford it or not. So I recognize that’s a bias I have.

Books! Let’s move on to the books.

These have also been hit and miss, and I’ve run into a lot that have been poorly edited. I’ve been scouring the internet for recommendations on what to read for beginner witches, and also seeing what’s available at the library. Here’s some books that I’ve read or have started:

Witchcraft: Tales, Beliefs, and Superstitions from the Maritimes, by Clary Croft ⚠️

Rating: 4/10, no recommendation

So this one was just a fun read, mostly about superstitions. Not really anything here to learn from other than a little bit of the history of the belief in witchcraft in Canada’s Eastern provinces (mainly Nova Scotia and PEI). A lot of this stuff was really just people being bored and being petty to each other, people did crazy shit. This was the first book that came up on a search of ‘witchcraft’ at my public library. It looked like an interesting read so I gave it a shot.

The Modern Witchcraft Guide to the Wheel of the Year, by Judy Ann Nock ⚠️

Rating: 5/10 (so far), no recommendation

This book comes from a very heavily Wiccan perspective. I haven’t done too much historical fact checking on it, but I was dubious of it. Being genderqueer, I really didn’t like the exclusively female-centred perspective in it, but I get that that really floats some people’s boats. It’s so far pretty informative of Wiccan Sabbats, but certainly not fully comprehensive. There’s some recipes and craft instructions in it that might be cool for some people, but I didn’t particularly care for it. I may or may not finish this. I had to return it to the library before I could, and have placed another hold.

Material Girl, Mystical World, by Ruby Warrington ❓

Just started this one! Already there is a strong capitalist bias in it (can you tell from the title?), BUT there’s some really strong reviews of it, so I’ll continue to read it with a critical mind and take what I can from it. 

Some apps I’ve been using-- I recommend all of these.

I’ve been using the app Labryinthos Academy to learn tarot, and I’m really enjoying it! I think it’s a great app and very comprehensive for basic learning. It’s free! No ads either. Rating: 10/10!

I started keeping a dream journal. Also in an app, I use Dream Catcher (not a great name or branding, I realize) and it’s great. You can set a passcode to enter the app, and use tags to keep track of patterns in your dreams. The interface is also really cool. It’s free! No ads yet, and there’s a paid version that just lets you analyze your patterns more and allows you cloud storage. Rating: 9/10!

I’ve been using the app Headspace to train my meditation skills. It’s really a great and flexible app. I’ve never meditated before, but this has really been helping me. This is free too for the basics.  Rating: 9/10!

Okay, I’ll make a post another day about getting into crystals and incense, my experience with some basic intention setting, how I’ve been training to protect myself as an empath in public, guided meditation and past life regression meditation, some youtube videos that I’ve checked out, as well as the huge let down I experienced at an ‘expo’ here in the city. 

March 21, 2019

[gemini-62-blog]

A different post

Hey babes! Thought I wouldn’t be back? So did I, but after y’all were all over my dm’s asking for a comeback, I decided to be a nice beach (wrote this way on purpose, I’m not dumb, okay?) and not only post again but also give my blog a fresh, still classy new look. Here’s the thing, it is hard to stick with my famous person’s life and all of this work. But my manager said it would be a good thing for me to share a little bit with my loyal fans, and you know what? I missed you guys! And I had my birthday less than a month ago, so yeah, for those who are interested, contact me and I’ll give you my P.O. box so you can send me jewelery (and yes, it can be written jewelry, jewellery ot jewelery I have told I ain’t dumb!).

All jokes aside, if you remember my last post I said it was hard to stick with something, and it is! But I actually ended up watching 13 Reasons Why. I really liked it, and it made me be a little less of a beach towards other people, because you really don’t know what they are going through. Just kidding, I am not that bad, I can be a massive beach, one of those next to the dead sea, because I can also be as salty as it gets, but that is usually when I am facing someone who is full of themselves. “Try me, try me.” That usually the vibe I give to those people, but don’t think I can’t attack, you know. I bite, I am not an annoying pinsher, that only barks. Anyway, even with those people I have started to calm down and understand how much they just hate themselves, which is pretty sad. The best way to win while fighting those people is to understand that no one really wins unless both of you win. Get to their heart and try to make them understand that they don’t need to have that barrier. I hate when people have barriers to make their insecurities less visible, to be honest, it will only makes them even more noticeable. If you really aren’t in the mood to make a good action, just walk away without fighting and show them how little you care. Their victory won’t taste the same. I think if you believe in karma you will end up being way happier. Feeling that whatever force you believe in, (universe, god, etc.) sooner or later will make everyone pay for what they did wrong, makes you face life with good positive energy that will help you being more successful and happy, therefore, succeed over those who do not behave in a correct way. Having morals is the most valuable thing in someone. So, if you kinda stayed away from 13 Reasons Why because of all the attention it got on the media (which I don’t blame you) I really think you should go for it and binge watch the motherfricker. Things won’t make much sense until around episode 10, but it will still be awesome. But get one thing in your mind, there are no reasons that can justify a suicide. I once heard that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but the thing is that suicide isn’t even a solution under any circumstance. I don’t think that was the message of the show, or the book that inspired the show, but I know they got a ton of backlash for representing Hannah as a hero, which I don’t think they did, but I can understand what people mean when they say that. By the way, am I the only one who doesn’t really like Tony? I think the character was annoying, and the actor absolutely sucked, but everyone seemed to love him. And Clay isn’t hot, please people! It is like when Tom Hiddleston (who? I know, right?) started “dating” (#mymanagerisbetterthanyours) Tay Tay (or should I say miss Cray Cray?) and everyone was saying he was super hot. He is a 7/10 at most. There are a bunch of people considered hot specially here on tumblr and they are just okay, in my opinion. I think what people see as beautiful is easily manipulated. I do have a image of what makes a woman pretty, and what makes the perfect woman body, but I have no idea when it comes to men. Weird, right? And it is my own preference, it isn’t something manipulated, at least I don’t think so. Whatever, I think overall everything can be attractive as long as you rock it (back to this expression since slay is so 2016). And listen, I thought personality played a big role in attraction, but only recently I realized how huge of a role it really plays. I had a very interesting conversation with someone, interesting to a level that I don’t think I had even experienced, and it made me realize that I am not weird for not falling in love, I just need someone who can be interesting to me. Basically I am super picky, but it isn’t on purpose, I guess it just happens, and I am not particularly mad about it. When it happens, it happens, no pressure. 

Before going into some things that really have no value, like discussing pop culture as usual, I wanna talk a little bit more about me. (ASTROLOGY TALK ALERT) I have already mentioned how I can be a beach. And I feel like that is one of the downsides of being a gemini. I have a ton of planets in gemini, and that makes me a bit of an unbalanced person. But hey, I think that is what makes me special. I do have my ascendent in virgo which does help me and keeps my feat on the ground, kinda balancing me, but still. Being a gemini helps me being great with words and, therefore, with people, since I know how to choose my words, and the right attitude to approach them. It also is the sign of intelligence. My greatest gift is my mind, my thoughts, my ideas. While some people have a huge will power and balance and some others have the ability to turn a plan into reality, geminis are usually behind all of that, we represent the idea, a mind that moves at the speed of light not to create an actual object but rather an idea, a plan. That is overall a characteristic of air signs (gemini, aquarius and libra) but mostly of geminis, other signs a have other “powers”. But it is not for no reason that a lot of people don’t really love geminis. It is not like we are some kind of magical creatures, well, we are, just like any other human being. There are amazing and horrible people from all zodiac signs, and don’t forget we are all a mix of signs, we have a bit of different signs, and it is kinda like different ingredients that melt into a final result. Some ingredients mix well, while some others don’t. We all have some flaws and some gifts, and it is our job to work on our flaws throughout our existence. For example, Donald Trump is a gemini. I know, it sucks.. But so is Angelina Jolie, Prince, Johnny Deep, Troye Sivan, Daniel Howell and Morgan Freeman. But if you look at some of those people, you see some common characteristics. A lot of the time they are very talented, or very good at something, but they definitely have an a*shole side to their personality. An arrogance, this sense of superiority, this beachy attitude and the characteristic I wanted to refer, they play mind games. I will give you some names so you can kind of see what I’m talking about. As I have already mentioned, Donald Trump, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Deep, but also others like Marilyn Monroe, Naomi Campbell, Emily Ratajkowski and what better example than Mr. Kanye West himself? All of this to say that people are easily manipulated, and since geminis can be quite good at this, we do have a tendency to play mind games. For what reason? Simply because it can be fun for us. Sometimes I (I am not gonna keep on talking about all geminis, because we are all different, but I do identify with these characteristics; keep in mind that you can be a gemini and not be like this at all, since your birth chart can balance this kind of behavior, or even intensify it. Same logic applies in the opposite way, even if gemini isn’t your sun sign, you may experience some of this zodiac’s characteristics) do find myself falling into this darker side of my personality. Sometimes I see people as toys I can play, and my emotions really disappear. I am a machine. An arrogant machine that plays people and so on. All of this just to say that we do have to work on ourselves and focus on trying to be better people and use our gifts in the best way possible. Usually I use my ability of getting inside people’s minds by simply trying to get people I truly like to open up to me. Not like trying to get them to tell me their darkest secrets, but rather to create a mood that makes us both very open with each other. Make them trust me, while trusting them. All of that aside, I hope you are having a great great day and let’s get into the pop bullsh*t we kinda love kinda hate, with some music mixed in, basically all of that stuff that you know I love to talk about. By the way, if you have been having some bad non productive days, try meditation, it is the best thing I have ever done o myself. A few times meditating and my life is much better. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vx8iUvfyCY&t=235s here is a great channel and this is actually one of the best meditations to start off with. Try not to fall asleep, it is so relaxing! But I’ll write a full post on how to be more productive and don’t feel worthless. Now getting to our usual topics.

To be continued in a post coming soon..............

[ilovethings-somuch]

Get It Right (14/?)

Sebastian Stan/Reader

A/N: So this is like pure fluff. Some good stuff is coming! I mean, maybe, actually I don’t really know. I will let you guys know right now though. I’ve been experiencing major writers block for this story. I’m doing my best to work through it but updates may slow down significantly. I’m really sorry! I hope I can figure it out soon because I really like this couple but I’m just not sure. If you guys have any suggestions or requests of something you want to see with this couple I would love to hear it! Also just, thank you so much for reading, I’m feeling very sappy at the moment and I’m just very thankful that you guys are so supportive! Anyways I’m going to shut up now, I hope you like it!

(last part)

“G’morning babe” Seb mumbles when I stretch out next to him.

“Good morning” I sigh “What time is it?”

“Like 10:30. Why?”

“Seb, I have something to tell you” I say while rolling to face him

“That sounds ominous, what’s up?” He rubs my arms soothingly.

“So, um I have this song coming out today and it’s about you, I mean what else is new. But I thought we could announce our relationship around the time the song is released. I want people to know that the song’s for you” His smile grows as I talk to him and as soon as I’m finished he presses his lips to mine.

“I’m so glad you’re ready to announce this” he says when he pulls away. “Do you have a plan for how? Like social media? Are we doing a random exclusive interview? A papwalk?”

“I was thinking instagram, we could use those pictures we took the other day”

“Sounds perfect, and I know just the caption” he says before pecking my lips.

“What is it?”

“It’s a surprise” he tells me with a wink.

“Sebbb” I whine. “Please, I need to approve”

“As if I’d do anything you didn’t approve of” he clutches his chest in mock offense.

“Oh I know you would. Pleasssse?”

“I’ll show you before I post it, but I’m gonna make you suffer for a few hours”

“Seb that’s so rude!” I yell throwing a pillow at him “If you’re going to tell me anyways why not just tell me now?”

“‘Cause you’re so damn cute when you’re upset” he boops my nose to prove his point. I quickly push his hand away and get out of bed with the groan, mumbling curses at him as I make my way to the bathroom. I decide to take a quick shower since my hair is sticking in all directions. When I get out and make my way to the kitchen I find that Sebastian made breakfast.

“Do I smell bacon?” I ask excitedly while wrapping my arms around him while he cooks.

“Yes ma’am” he points his spatula towards the plate covered by a paper towel. I quickly unwrap myself from him and bounce over to the plate to grab a couple peices. “You’re supposed to wait until everything’s done” he says with an eyeroll

“Okay, grumpy” I recover the plate before hopping up to sit on the counter.

“I’m not grumpy” he turns to face me after turning the stove off.

“You sound grumpy” I reply with a smirk.

“I’m not” he runs him hands up the sides of my legs while stepping to stand in between them.

“Oh, I get it. You’re not grumpy, you’re horny” I tease while moving to rest my arms on his shoulders. He quickly slaps my lower back/butt with his right hand. “Um, ow?”

“Stop being mouthy” he says seriously.

“Oh honey, mouthy is what I do best” I raise my eyebrows testingly. This earns me another slap in the same spot. I expect this one so I’m able to control myself enough to not wince or jump.

“Are you done”

“Sebby I’m just getting started” I flash a smile and pull at his hair gently before pulling his lips down to mine. It’s a hungry kiss, all teeth and tongues and roaming hands. That is until my stomach decides that it’s too hungry for this and lets out an angry grumple. I immediately throw my head back in laughter and Sebastian rests his forehead on my shoulder while giggling. “To be continued” I promise him with a quick peck before moving to grab another piece of bacon.

Sebastian made, what I call, garbage eggs. Which means that you take whatever you can find in the fridge and mix it in with your scrambled eggs. His mostly contained peppers, onions, cheese, mushrooms and hash browns.

“This is really good, Seb. It reminds me of camping”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I used to go camping with my mom family all the time and this is always what we had for breakfast”

“That’s sounds fun, and delicious”

“It was” I’m suddenly nostalgic for my home and I end up chugging half of my orange juice to avoid any tears.

“Hey, are you okay?” Seb asks, noticing my change in mood.

“Yeah, yeah I’m good. I guess it just kinda hit me that I’m moving here and I’m not going to be able to see my family as much as I’m used to”

“I know, it’s hard. But it’s going to be okay. There’s always facetime and phone calls and you can go home and visit whenever you have time off” he reassures me while rubbing his arm along my arm.

“Right, it’ll be good” I say, reassuring myself more than anything. We finish breakfast in a comfortable silence before Sebastian takes the dishes to the kitchen. I stick by the table a few extra minutes to check my phone for any important updates. My manager sent me an email to confirm that the release time hadn’t changed and asking if I told Sebastian yet. I quickly typed my response before seeing a text from my mom.

Momma!: How’s NYC treating you?

Shit, hey remember when I said I left out the whole Sebastian thing when I told my family about going to New York. Yeah, welp, this is gonna be great.

Me: It’s good! I really like it here. There’s something I need to talk to you about can you call me when you have a chance?

Within a couple minutes my phone lights up with an incoming call

“Hey, Mom”

“Hey honey, what’s up?”

“So uh well I really like New York so I think I’m going to move here. I actually found a place that is really nice and I went and saw it and everything. So, yeah I guess that’s happening” I shake my head at myself, frustrated that I can’t just speak my mind.

“That’s, wow, I’m happy for you. I can’t believe you decided so quick”

“Yeah, I guess it’s just one of those things that you know. And you know I need 4 seasons, LA would be too much sun”

“Right, is that all you needed to tell me? I was expecting something more urgent”

“Um, no that’s not all-” and that’s the moment Sebastian decides to yell from the kitchen, definitely loud enough for my Mom to hear

“Hey, babe, do you want to help me dry?”

“Hold on a second” I call back before tuning back into my mom asking who that was. “Yeah, okay that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. So remember when I went on Ellen and she surprised me by bringing Sebastian Stan on the show?”

“He’s the captain america guy right?”

“He’s Bucky, yeah sure. Anyways, um, we kind of started dating shortly after that” I stumble over my words, unsure of what her reaction will be.

“(y/f/n y/m/n)! And you’re just now telling me, your mother, this?”

“Yes” I say weakly “I just, I wasn’t sure how you would take it and I didn’t really know how this was going to turn out so I just wanted to wait until I knew for sure”

“And now you do?”

“Yeah, Mom, I really love him”

“Well then I guess there’s nothing for me to say. I’m happy for you, I can’t wait to meet him”

“Thanks Mom, I should go, I love you”

“Love you too”

I sigh once I hang up the phone, surprisingly happy with how that conversation went. Maybe she’s finally realizing that I’m growing up. I make my way into the kitchen to find Seb putting the last couple dishes away. I sneak up and hug him from behind, rocking us slightly.

“Hey, there. Sorry I interrupted your call, I didn’t realize you were on the phone”

“Nah it’s fine. I was just talking to my mom. I, uh, told her about us” he quickly turns in my arms to face me and rests his forehead against mine.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I realized that I should probably tell her before she just finds out from social media”

“Yeah she probably wouldn’t like that”

“Have you talked to your mom?”

“Yeah, I told her the other day when you said I could”

“Look at you, being on top of things” I tease, lightly brushing my lips against his

“I just can’t wait for you to meet her, she’s going to love you”

“God, I hope so” the thought of meeting Seb’s mom is terrifying.

“She will, I’m sure”

“Are we continuing now?” I ask, drawing a line along his cheek with my nose. I don’t get an answer, but Seb is quick to push my tight against the nearest wall.

“God, okay now I have to shower again” I say, trying to push Seb off me

“Noooo” he whines while hugging me tighter. “Stay”

“You could join me in the shower” I suggest with the hopes it will make him get up.

He pulls his head back to look me in the eye before speaking, “that’s a compelling argument, but I want to stay here” he tells me before laying his head back down by my neck. I simply sigh in defeat before wrapping my arms around his waist.

“Can we at least roll over? I can’t breathe”

“No” he mumbles into my skin.

“Seba, I can’t breathe” I try to emphasize.

“Yes you can”

“How do you know what I can and can’t do?”

“Because if you couldn’t breathe you wouldn’t be able to talk right now and I can feel you breathing”

“Okay, let me rephrase. It is hard to breathe”

“But you’re managing, and if I roll over you’re just going to run away”

“I won’t, scouts honor” I say with a mock salute

“You weren’t a scout” he says assuredly

“How would you know”

“I just have a feeling, am I right?”

“Yes” I grumble, “But seriously Seb, I won’t run away I promise. Please can we roll over?”

He groans before shifting his weight to roll onto his back, keeping his arms around me and pulling me with him. I can’t help but laugh at his awkward effort. I try to wiggle out of his hold but he keeps his arms tight around my waist. “You said you wouldn’t run away” he whines when he loses his hold on me.

“I’m not running away you dummy” I insist before I slide off his chest to curl into his side. His arm quickly wraps around my back to hold me closer. “See? This is better”

“Debatable” he shrugs

“Okay, well at least this way you won’t kill me”

“Yeah I guess that’s a plus” he tells me with a kiss to my forehead. He rubs small circles on my back while I trace imaginary designs on his stomach. We stay in a comfortable silence for awhile until I almost fall asleep.

“Okay, I need to get up” I say while sitting up from his grasp. He moans in protest and I see that his eyes are closed. “Sebby wake up” I coax with small kisses up his chest.

“I don’t wanna” he mumbles back.

“Come on, we need to shower” I straddle his hips while I kiss up and down his jaw

“Why?”

“Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’m going to. And I thought you’d like to join me”

He slowly peeks one eye open to look at me before fully opening his eyes. I quirk my eyebrows at him in question before rolling off him and making my way to the bathroom, consciously swaying my hips extra. I make it into the shower and am halfway through washing my hair before I hear the curtain shift and Seb steps in. I turn to face him wrapping my arms around his neck before placing a chaste kiss on his lips. “You made it”

“How could I refuse?” he smirks.

(next part)

Tags: @amistillmyself

[witty-diagnosis]

Captain we got a leak

Well pucker up boys and girls this is gonna be a deep one, if you’re not interested and purely here for the movie reviews don’t worry I have one written out I’ll post soon, now onto a little update. So I moved back from uni, cool, I got most of my tattoo sleeve finished so I couldn’t bend my arm for a few days and am now peeling like a snake, wowzers, and I broke my fucking laptop in transit while my desktop is in storage so while comic con was on I couldn’t fucking post, what a bastard. So while Dota downloads on my sluggish as old yella level wifi I thought I’d post about a topic that is easy enough to talk about anonymously on the internet, well like one person might know me but it’s been like five years so who fucking cares. and that is how I go about handling my emotions and what appears to be the medias perception of it.

Now I am being bombarded with headspace ads telling me I need to take time out my day to stop thinking about everything as I’m laid spread on my bed just in my shorts barely focusing on the next video in my ever expanding playlist of horror movie breakdowns, maybe summing up the effort to grunt as I press the skip ad button. It could be dead meat, foundflix or spookyrice they’re all fair game for headspace. But the ad made me do a bit of research into how types of people try to handle emotions, and when it wasn’t articles telling me how, it was them telling me why, of course upbringing plays a roll. Growing up is when you learn to process your emotions and being in a home unsuitable for that leads to problems, ones I’ve personally experienced, little bit about me, my father is an alcoholic I haven’t seen in years my mother has had lifelong depression and anxiety and childhood problems and my twin sister is autistic, me I’m just cynical. But that had a profound effect on me, I struggle to open up to people to this day and I can’t cry in front of people, like not I won’t I can’t, I kind of shut down and become callous and rational with a dark sense of humour. And that had me wondering why this happens.

Now childhood aside I’m sure many people, possibly many of you have been or are in my situation, so I went big brain mode, frankly because I wanted to feel the touch of a keyboard again and found the obvious media influences. I mean a lifetime of being told to ‘man up’ isn’t going to do me any favours, the most in touch with my feminine side I am is when I hug my girlfriend. But look at media, when does it ever show men crying, deaths and births and losing or winning championships in football or whatever, so you’re either dealing with loss of a loved one or something you’ve worked your entire life for, or the achievement of a lifetime or birth of your offspring. And what do they do when they cry at losing or winning their lifes work, the thing that drives them, that motivates them and why they wake up, the media insults them for it, calls them crybabies and weak and that it’s heartbreaking and all that other shit. So you achieved your dream, you succeded at something people told you you would fail at, and you’re not allowed to be overjoyed? No wonder so many kids are all kinds of fucked nowadays, not even allowed to take pride in their achievements.

Now lets look at women and girls too, it’s only fair. Now socially we have moved on a tiny little bit from females being the percieved emotional anchor of the household, I mean after all my mother seemed to cut the chain to my household at childbirth. But perceptions are still similar to what they were years ago, I mean take the womens world cup recently, it was phenomanal, America winning pissed me off but that’s because I’m english and they took us out. It felt like the big event it should’ve been, and personally I want women’s premier league in fifa as soon as possible. So the main focus of that final, it wasn’t america winning and Netherlands losing, it wasn’t the expansion to 32 teams next world cup, no it was Megan Rapinoe and her response to Trump saying she won’t go to the White House, now I don’t blame her being he is a huge dick and I respect someone for standing up to their values, but the sheer focus on this response, it being emotional, and what it was called by some as ludicrous and insulting to America and such because it wasn’t what was expected. No what was expected was tears everywhere when the American team won, just crying all over, and tears when they got back and tears when they meet president tosspot. There was genuine questions on commentary when it showed Rapinoe and Jill Ellis hugging but not crying, in fact they said “and the tears are flowing... not with these 2 but they will be soon.” assuming that Ellis, who had already won one fucking world cup had any doubt she could do it again, or possibly one of the most successful women’s football players of all time doubting her abilities. So in this occassion it was flipped, they were berated for not getting teary eyed, some newspapers (thanks Sun) calling them egomaniacs and arrogant for having faith in abilities that have won them it 3 times before. So while men can’t cry because they’ll be called weak if women do then that’s fine but when they don’t is the problem, that makes them big headed and arrogant, y’know not incredibly successful and talented. 

It doesn’t matter what gender you are, the influence that has on people, especially kids who take everything in is massive, You shouldn’t need to hold back anything when you achieve something, cry, smile do whatever you’re feeling, achieving something is achieving something, it ignores gender and sexuality and all that stuff, it doesn’t care about that stuff, the american women’s team won because they were that good, Liverpool won the champions league because they were that good, Rocky beat Appolo Creed, Million Dollar baby was sad but she won, Nyla rose is making waves for transgender wrestlers in AEW as is Sonny Kiss for homosexuals, I mean he’s fun to as hell to watch. The way emotions are handled are dictated by upbringing and that’s how it’ll always be, and ‘man up’ and ‘big girls don’t cry’ is still out there, it had a huge effect on me personally as I’m sure it did on many other people but thankfully it’s slowly dying down, I’m not saying it’s okay for people to randomly burst out crying in the streets, please be considerate to others and let’s not take it too far, but maybe like headspace, take a few minutes each night, maybe lay down, blast some low-fi chill revision mix and take some time to unpack what’s bothering you, figure out a rational way to work around it, being an emotional person isn’t an excuse for irrational actions that cause yourself and others harm, act like an adult and adress the problems in yourself then resolve them in real life. Because you’ll get nowhere fast if you leave problems you can solve unnatended, it’s like lighting a firework and expecting it to not go off, just because people can be arseholes doesn’t mean you should be, being a good person feels good, it’s emotianally rewarding even if you don’t recieve thanks, just remember there’s being nice then there’s just a litte too far then there’s slow down buddy. And hell adressing that problem can be your first achievment and you should be proud.

Anyway guys I went a little, or a lot off topic there but I hope this helped a bit, it’s nice having the tactile keys of a keyboard back and aleviating some boredom while proving that yes I am fact still alive, anyways I’ll post that review in a couple of days so see you guys soon.

[oeuvrelydramatic]

Not A Dirty Word (Part 1)

‘I’m not a lesbian’ I declared, offended in a skort too big for my year 7 thighs or lack thereof. ‘Just because I go to a girl’s school, they all think I’m going to be a lesbian. But I’m not.’ I don’t think she wanted my input really. She was making the point that she’d been made fun of for going to a girls’ school because they thought she’d end up gay. I never got any of that. But still I pretended to, just so I could clarify that I, 100%, definitely would not end up being a lesbian.

I don’t think I knew then that I’d end up being gay. I’m not trying to say that I’d had feelings for girls all the way through primary school, that I always knew that I was different. Because I didn’t. And I’m not, really.

I was one of the first people in my class to learn what a lesbian was. I remember Annabel Lloyd pointing out to me some graffiti on a sign that read ‘lesbian sex’ on the way back from a school trip at about 10 years old. I remember being very confused about anyone’s motive for writing such vulgar things on a road sign and very confused about why she’d point it out to me. But I was also extremely confused about what it actually meant. I remember getting out my kindle late at night, turning on the reading light clipped to the headboard of my bed, positioning it under my covers so that my mum wouldn’t see the light from under my door, and somehow finding my way to urban dictionary. Of course, I read the definition of ‘lesbian’ and learned what it meant but then I fell down the rabbit hole, learning about various things that 10 year old me shouldn’t have been learning.

And so it began. Being ‘lesbian’ meant that you liked girls, but it was an under-the-covers thing. It was something vulgar that stupid kids graffiti-ed onto road signs. It wasn’t anything I’d ever experienced, it wasn’t anything I’d ever be able to talk about. It was just another word I knew that I felt that I shouldn’t.

I don’t remember the first time I was exposed to lesbian relationships in media. I don’t even think I can remember the last time I was exposed to a lesbian relationship in media. It wasn’t really real to me. It was never anything I’d have to deal with.

Now I never really said I liked boys. My ideas about love were rather mixed up from the very beginning, from years of having confusing feelings about Holly Palmer that just crossed the line past friendship and into something a little bit more and the years and years of being told by the church that I would get married to a man, have lots of children and be a good wife and mother. So, when it came to boys this seemed easy: I’d pick a boy that I was really good friends with (because that’s just what Holly was, obviously) and then just marry him and have his kids because then I could go to heaven.

It didn’t bother me much. I never really spoke to anyone at all about crushes or romance or anything. My mum wasn’t interested, my dad would rather just play games than talk about that kind of stuff, so it was never important to me.

Until year 7. The first time that I’d ever had a discussion about lesbianism. And that’s where we come to my vast and sweeping statement ‘I am not a lesbian’. I pronounced it ‘lezz-bee-uuuuuun’, in the same way that you’d say ‘ommmmmmmmmmm’ when someone was doing something naughty in front of a teacher. And I felt the same. We were in the dance studio at school, ready for PE and we were discussing lesbians so, naturally I felt the need to clarify.

So my life was simple: I wasn’t a lesbian. I didn’t like boys. I didn’t like anyone. One day I’d end up with someone but it wasn’t a big deal. The only things on my list of life plans were to go to Australia and to go to university in America, (neither of which I want to do anymore).

I was in the school play. I’d been in the school play in year 7 and my passion and enthusiasm for my role of an unnamed chorus member coupled with my mediocre-at-best acting and singing skills earned me a callback for a main part in next year’s production. I met a girl called Seren in the callbacks. She was nice and pretty, talented and had an amazing mane of blonde curly hair. We talked a little, me being the only year 7 in the callbacks and, when neither of us got the parts we wanted, we ended up together in the (named!) chorus member chorus. So, here I was mixed up in a chorus full of girls who felt much much older than me and I fell in with Seren and her friends. And I met Alice. Seren’s friend, both of them a year older than me so had a far greater understanding of the world, as your worldly knowledge does seem to increase exponentially in between the ages of 13 and 14. So when Alice pointed to the logo on a flip chart which said something containing the word ‘bi’ and declared ‘haha me!’ they seemed rather confused at my confusion and must have thought it rather odd that they had to explain bisexuality to me.

From there I was exposed to a world of queer culture. When I was friends with them I learned about everything (or what I thought was everything at the time) and I really thought I knew what was what. After a couple of odd ‘slightly more than best friends’ crushes on other girls I made another proud declaration in regards to my sexuality.

‘I’m bisexual.’ I knew it would be fine because I’d end up with a man anyway eventually, I could marry him and then go to heaven no matter what I felt about girls.

I was telling my stepmum about all my friends in the top level car park of House of Fraser. I told her about how all my friends were some form of not-straight and she replied with a question that sent my brain into a meltdown ‘so, what are you then?’ I replied with a rather hesitant, cautious ‘I’m bisexual.’

She said it was no big deal. She said that she felt ‘that way’ about girls sometimes, and that she knew that I wasn’t straight as soon as I said that Jensen Ackles wasn’t that attractive. And so it was out in the open, in the closed bond of trust between the two of us. It was okay.

And I was okay.

At the start of the year I had been put (to my displeasure) in a new class. Instead of being taught in form groups, like the school used to do up until GCSE level, now we were all mixed up and I was in ‘8M’. I wasn’t very happy with my class. I didn’t really like anyone in it. I didn’t really like anyone who was in my year group for most of year 8, but there were a few people I did. And none of them were in 8M. So, I was forced to socialise and quickly learned that the girl I thought I’d recognised was ‘Mol’. I followed her on Instagram because she was friends with a scary girl from my form, who had tagged her in a post. From there I saw all the ‘aesthetical’ posts (as she used to call them) that she was so proud of and instantly deemed her much too cool for me to socialise with. So I knew who she was. I pointed her out to Hollie Bowker in the courtyard.

‘Oh I know her. That’s Mol’

I didn’t know her. I knew of her. But it was more impressive that way so I just went with it. So we never really talked in the first few weeks, for the first term at all really until history. We were sat together in history, at the point when we were learning about the suffragettes. I, being witty, hilarious and knowledgeable about queer culture as ever, made a joke about how the suffragettes were just a society of secret lesbians, who’s meetings were like safe spaces to just be gay.

She laughed. Like, a lot. I didn’t think she’d find it all that funny, nobody else really ever found me funny, let alone my annoyingly frequent and stereotypically out-of-Place references to queer culture. So, before I knew it we were friends.

Now, dear reader, knowing what we know about my complicated history with friendships and the lines between romantic and platonic relationships, what are we to expect for my relationship with the pretty girl who was way out of my league (me being the nerdy nerd and her being the more popular ‘tumblr’ nerd) ?

So we talked. A lot. I’m not sure we really discussed her sexuality for a while but I knew she was comfortable making jokes about it. Before I knew it she was planning our wedding. We’d have Vera Wang wedding dresses and get married in spring. And me, being the hopeless romantic I am, fell hopelessly in love with her.

I waited a few months in silence, trying to gauge what she felt but it got to a point where I couldn’t wait any longer.

So, by September 17th, 2015 I was in my first relationship. And it was with a girl.

So. I wasn’t really okay anymore. How could I get married in my Vera Wang wedding dress to another person wearing a Vera Wang wedding dress and still go to heaven? Did I care about heaven anymore? It was still probably just going to be a stupid tween romance. Just a girl crush. Probably just two super best friends who didn’t know any better.

We went on our first date sometime in October, where we saw the movie Suffragette. We held hands all the way through, and I really wanted to kiss her but I could feel the glare of the old couple in the back row. Plus, how do you even do that?! How do you kiss someone? Is it weird to kiss people in public? I’d seen plenty of straight couples do it at bus stops and in restaurants so why not do it at the cinema? But no, the gaze of probable homophobia scared me off and I waited a good two months before I made the first move.

I never kissed her in public when we were dating, we never really went further than holding hands in front of everyone else. We outwardly appeared to be super duper best friends.

It was during this time that I experienced my first and only real degree of homophobia from a stranger.

Molly and I were holding hands, just walking out of the park, when a woman with a baby in her push chair shouted rather loudly:

‘Dykes’.

I hated that word. I hated it so very much. I hated that she had had a child. That she, unlike me, had the chance to have a biological child with someone she presumably loved only to poison it with toxic, homophobic bullshit like this.

But we moved on.

It didn’t really change how we interacted in public, it just made me a lot more cautious and self conscious. At any sign of a glaring eye we both knew when to widen the space between us and un-entwine our hands. We both knew that we’d never be able to kiss at bus stops like the other girls could with their boyfriends, but it was okay.

We were still happy.

It was December 17th at my house when I finally made a move. It was the last time I was going to see Molly before the Christmas holidays. I’d drawn her some fanart and bought us matching necklaces, the epitome of romance.

My mum, being very very Mormon, had absolutely no idea about any of this. I was certain I could tell my dad, he wouldn’t mind, but I wasn’t certain that he wouldn’t accidentally let it slip to her and ruin everything.

So I waited until it was past midnight. We were in the middle of watching Phantom of the Opera when it started to buffer, and didn’t seem like it would work. I had been thinking about it for months. How would I do it? What was it like to kiss someone?

Now, my experience of lesbians getting -physical- came from 3 seasons of Orange Is The New Black. Everything I saw was scandalous. For a start, I was watching under the covers in incognito mode on my browser and clearing my Netflix watch history promptly afterwards, but also it was portrayed as something sexual. Something women did because they were confined to just a pool of other women, as a way to release pent up sexuality that would usually have been exhibited to a man at home.

So I did it. Expecting to feel like it was wrong, like it was scandalous or dirty. But I was so wrong. Nothing in the world felt more natural to me than pressing my lips against hers and telling her that I loved her in between breaths.

I’m sure I was an awful kisser. I bet we both were. Neither of us had any experience, but it was amazing. It was like I’d found the piece of the jigsaw puzzle that fit into place and made me feel like I was finally what I was meant to be. I was gay. I was in a relationship with another girl. I was in love.

Fuck.

So now I was convinced. There was no way out. No easy loophole to just say ‘oh yeah but I still want to be with a man’ because I didn’t. That didn’t stop me lying to everyone around me and trying to convince myself to be bisexual. I wanted to be with her, heaven wasn’t on the cards anymore.

We broke up a month later, the result of the absolute stupidity of my year 9 self, but we after a while we managed to still be friends.

Friends.

Lesbian relationships have always had such a distinct tie to friendship in my mind. Everything I saw on TV presented lesbian couples as either hyper-sexual beings, only doing it for men’s attention, or just what could easily be perceived as being super duper best friend gal pals.

Our relationship didn’t change much. Sure, I never got the chance to kiss her after that one night but we were still friends. We still got to laugh at each other’s jokes and give each other hugs.

I wasn’t friends with Alice and Seren anymore. Again, my stupid year 9 self managed to ruin all my relationships with everyone around me so I can’t blame them for hating me. They did hate me for a while, I’m sure but I never blamed them. About a week after we fell out they ended up dating. I had seen it ever since I met them, I knew there was something more than just friendship.

It was hard, being in an all-girls school. There were lots of friends that were more than friends but there were also lots of friends that were just super best friends. I thought, at first, that it was like Orange Is The New Black. That girls would just be with other girls because there were no boys around. I know now that I was very wrong but that’s how I thought at the time.

So Alice and Seren were dating and Molly and I were not. Even though I didn’t speak to them anymore I now finally had an example of what a lesbian relationship looked like. I know, I know, I’d already been in one, but I had no clue what I was doing. I really wished that I could just have some non-fictional frame of reference for the whole time we were dating. Now, though a little late, I finally saw an example of what lesbian love looked like. Like normal people, doing normal things, being normal and in love.

It was after around 6 months of not dating that things started to go back, even more, to the way they had been before. We held hands, we made jokes about getting married and we hugged. Tighter and longer than I ever did with anyone else. And after a couple more weird friend-crushes I told myself would help me get over her, I admitted to myself that I was still in love.

My friends all saw that there was still something there. Our stupid year 9 romance had meant so much to me, and it still rang through every echo of our ‘friendship’. We weren’t ‘just friends’ but we were just ‘friends’. There are wasn’t any real commitment or full expression of feelings, but we both knew that there was something there.

[brittanyyoungblog]

Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast? Here’s How to Tell

For a relationship to be healthy and long-lasting, it has to move at the right pace. There are no set rules that determine how fast a relationship should move because there are a lot factors like, age, background, and experiences that change what a healthy pace for you and the person you’re with is. There are, however, clear signs that a relationship is moving too fast.

If you’re experiencing any of these 8 signs you might want to slow things down.

1. You have a lot of each other’s personal items. This is one of the most classic signs—one day you open up your medicine cabinet and find your new partner’s toothbrush, razors, deodorant, and female products staring you in the face. This can be a good thing if you’re ready for it, but if this makes you uncomfortable, it may be time to have the conversation about slowing things down.

2. You’re meeting parents and family right away. This is a right of passage in a relationship that usually means the relationship is very serious. It’s an important (and sometimes stressful) step in a relationship so if you’re meeting someone’s parents after just a couple weeks, something is certainly off. What’s next? Buying a house together? Time to slow it down.

3. You know nothing.  If you’re ready to ditch your friends, your life, and give this new person your whole world despite the fact that you still don’t even know where they’re from or what they specifically do for work… Phew, then it may be time to take a breath. Make sure you’re enjoying the early parts of a relationship and are getting to know the person you’re with, before you commit yourself too much. Take time to have conversations and learn about each other.

3. You look like you’ve been together forever… according to social media. You met on Monday and by the end of the week, your Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat are inundated with photos of the two of you. One of you may have already updated your social medial status as “in a relationship” and then you’re left with comments from your BFFs such as, “I didn’t even know you were seeing someone!”

4. You’re moving in together This is another huge milestone in any relationship and it’s a decision that takes thought and conversation. But if you’re having more conversations about moving in together than you are about learning about each other’s likes and dislikes, things are moving way too fast.

5. You’re saying the ‘L’ word. This is not a word that should get thrown around willy-nilly. Using the word “Love” in any context when talking about a relationship when it’s just started can set you up for heartbreak later on. (Especially because we often confuse infatuation and lust for love in the beginning of relationships.) Be cautious when saying “I love you” or “I’m in love with you”, unless you know you really mean it.

6. You’re talking about marriage and children. You haven’t even gone on a real date yet and you’re texting each other about your ideal wedding and how many children you want to have and the best places to live for the best schools. Instead of worrying about wedding bells and rug rats, make sure you can go on a romantic date together, survive your first fight, or laugh at the same jokes. It’s fun to think about the future, but don’t forget to enjoy the moment you’re in either.

7. Everything revolves around sex The lust kicked in on day one and now, three weeks later, you find that sex is all you ever do. You haven’t even been on a real date, yet you just find yourselves at each others’ places always getting intimate. Sex is something that should be given to a new partner slowly as you build trust and respect. You might think that the relationship is moving along at a good pace, but you’re really just FWB and not progressing at all.

8. Your friends, responsibilities, and hobbies don’t matter. It’s normal that when relationships progress into marriage then to families, we don’t keep in touch with old friends as much, our responsibilities change, or we lose interest and time for some of our hobbies. But if you’re three weeks into a new relationship and you haven’t seen your friends or been to yoga, then your relationship is moving too fast to keep up with your life.

It’s great to get excited about a new relationship and dedicate yourself to it, but it’s not great to lose yourself in it. (Not completely anyway.) If you feel like your relationship is moving forward at a pace you’re not comfortable with, or if you find yourself wondering what happened to your old self and your old life, take the time to step back and slow things down. It may end up making your relationship stronger in the long-run, and it will definitely make you stronger.

The post Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast? Here’s How to Tell appeared first on The Date Mix.

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[superfitbabe]

Guess who’s arrived home in Los Angeles?! Yep, this girl right here!

Well, technically I’m behind the screen, but you get the idea. Maybe look at the logo. Yep, that’s me!

Anyways, this year has been….WOW. Let’s just put it at that. I cannot even begin to describe the whirlwind of fiascos, accomplishments, lessons, discoveries, and new adoptions that this year has given me. I think I have transformed more drastically in this year alone than in the years one to eleven. Crazy how time flies!

Just today, I made a quick plan of what’s in store for the next month, big and small. December is my favorite month out of the year because it’s the month of my birthday, Christmas, winter, and when my family and friends and I can spend the most time together! There’s so much to come and I’m thrilled for everything. Enjoy!

TENTATIVE PLANS FOR THE WEEK

WEDNESDAY (12/6/17)

This morning, my family and I woke up to a major Ventura County wildfire emergency notification from the local news broadcast. Areas of mandatory evacuation included Brentwood, Bel Air, Beverly Hills, South of Mulholland, and various boundaries of Highway 33 and Highway 150.

Luckily, the wind blew in the opposite direction from where we were, so our residence was safe from mandatory evacuation.

School for the rest of my sisters was cancelled due to wildfire complications.

I rushed to make cinnamon chia pancakes with Lakanto’s gluten free pancake mix. It’s an amazing mix that is high in fiber, probiotics, and low in carbs and sugar! I topped mine with a True Nutrition vegan salted caramel protein blend (had the rest of the protein on the side), pomegranate seeds, strawberries, a dark chocolate cherry Health Warrior chia bar, homemade muesli my sister made for me, and Lakanto monkfruit maple syrup.

My family and I ended up visiting the Westfield Topanga mall for the day and enjoying some delicious Vietnamese food! I got two orders of veggie spring rolls with tons of peanut sauce. No surprise.

We went to Home Goods to buy some Christmas presents for family and friends. I’ve officially completed my holiday shopping!

At the mall, all I bought were triple AAA batteries and some water. My family, on the other hand? Basically the entire stock of Nordstrom.

Traffic hit us HARD on the 101 S freeway for a while. We were afraid that the police blocked it off due to the early wildfire, but in reality, a car accident caused the delay.

Coming home, I found a REALLY special package waiting for me! Let’s just say there’s an exciting review in the works…

After unpacking our purchases, I was so ravenous that I whipped myself up a quick soybean soyaki noodle salad with carrots, butter lettuce, Nori, and sesame seeds. I piled on an extra head’s worth of butter lettuce and Sriracha after taking the picture!

Upon finishing the salad, I was still pretty hungry, so I made myself a large bowl of puffed kamut, Nature’s Path blueberry cinnamon flax cereal, and unsweetened almond milk. I mixed in some cinnamon and Stevia for extra flavor!

I wrapped my presents, wrote this post, and inserted the triple AAA batteries into our new Body Analyzer scale.

Last minute treat: I baked some of The Lion’s Choice snickerdoodle cookie dough! The results were fantastically delicious!

THURSDAY (12/7/17)

School’s cancelled for my sisters once again to give people time to evacuate from the wildfire.

Quick bodyweight exercise with a focus on legs.

My dad and I drove to Irwindale. Why? We visited the Huy Fong Foods Sriracha factory!

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Arrived unexpectedly early and re-organized my wardrobe.

I also tested out the Body Analyzer. It’s SO COOL!

Lunch was a swiftly put-together steamed butternut squash and pomegranate seed salad with spinach, seitan, and sweet chili sauce. I photographed my salad with coconut aminos, but sweet chili sauce ended up tasting better.

 Afterwards, I had more puffed kamut, Nature’s Path cinnamon flax, and almond milk. YUM.

More unrelated-to-school fun.

Grocery shopping with the mother!

Dinner’s probably going to be leftover broccolini, soybean noodles, soyaki, and nori.

FRIDAY (12/8/17)

Early-early in the morning, exercise for an hour and a half to my favorite music and YouTube videos.

Get ready for the day while listening to different versions of the “Happy Birthday” song.

Bake a pound and a half of Japanese sweet potatoes, mash them in a bowl with maca powder and cinnamon, form a one-ingredient cake, and top it with sunflower seed butter, cocoa fig jam, and a caramel sea salt Health Warrior chia bar. Oh yeah, and some birthday candles (hopefully).

Eat that alongside some soyaki-marinated seitan (homemade recipe), a peanut butter and jelly Bobo’s Oat Bar, some vegan chocolate truffles I received from my roommate, and an entire jar of The Lion’s Pack iced gingerbread vegan edible cookie dough. Part of a complete breakfast.

Ride our indoor Spin bike while watching my favorite YouTube videos or Netflix movies. I was originally going to hike around Santa Monica, but the wind has blown in so many ashes and dust from the wildfires that the air is too unhealthy to consume.

Meet up with one of my best friends at 11:00 A.M. for some vegan donuts at Donut Friend and lunch at Sage Vegan Bistro!

Planned order at Donut Friend: Drive Like Jelly, Husker Blu, and a DIY gluten free donut filled with cookie butter, topped with maple syrup, graham cracker crumbs, and pistachios

Planned order at Sage Bistro: fried plantains with maple syrup and the 8-Wing Platter made of battered cauliflower in buffalo sauce, barbecue sauce, and sweet and sour sauce with celery, carrots, and vegan ranch. AAAAAAAND possible a vegan dessert to take home…

Come home to meet with my family after my sisters finish school (if it’s not cancelled again). This is also the time when I will probably open presents, if I do not open any presents prior to lunch.

Enjoy a healthy Vietnamese dinner before tucking into sixteen or thirty-two ounces worth of dairy free Carbolite and three giant scoops of vegan birthday cake, snickerdoodle, and peanut butter or brownie cookie dough.

If I’m not hungover from food already, I’ll bake vegan brownies. YUM.

Die from a food coma and NOT go on the scale the next morning.

SATURDAY (12/9/17)

Start the day off right with some extra pumped exercise from heaps of glycogen stores.

Open Christmas presents with my family and bask in the glory of being an amazing gift-giver or crawl into a hole of shame for being awful at it.

Meet with my cousin and his girlfriend and spend the day together, possibly around Sawtelle.

Arrive home late after an exhausting day of fun!

TRAVEL PLANS

Get your Konnichiwa on, because we’re flying to Japan on December 21st! You have NO IDEA how excited I am for this trip. Since turning 13, I have always adored Japanese culture, food, fashion, media, and general social and philosophical principles. Anime used to be my water and air, so it will be interesting re-watching some old favorites to learn some Japanese! Our specific destinations are Tokyo and Kyoto. Oh yes, Japanese sweet potatoes and kabocha squash will probably be ABUNDANT. I am absolutely stoked to also look at art museums, gardens, and even some traditional Japanese theater!

DIET UPDATE

In all honesty, my diet is not going to change almost at all over winter break. Sure, I will eat out more and indulge quite a bit when I go to Japan, but my eating habits will remain fluid throughout the break. I might emphasize a bit more on fruits and vegetables while I’m back home since I never really ate fruit in school. I still allot one day out of the week to enjoy one or two cheat meals, and maybe try out some new products and recipes.

FITNESS ROUTINE

Just two weeks ago, I started incorporating some more high-intensity training and strength training into my exercise regimen. However, instead of an hour and a half (sometimes even more) of exercise, I only train for an hour TOTAL. I have never realized that I have saved SO much time by reducing my time in the gym! Boy, do I miss the gym. I really do.

If you’re wondering whether this will affect my menstrual cycle or not, it might, but I have been experiencing more issues with my cycle. It’s gotten to the point where I may have to look into birth control. And I’m not looking forward to it. Sigh.

WINTER BREAK BUCKET LIST

Try all of the dairy free Halo Top flavors.

Hike all the way to Santa Monica.

Bake black bean brownies.

Choreograph some dances to my favorite songs.

Finish my blog’s secret project.

Solidify a proper plan for balancing out my hormones and cycle.

Master the Alphabet Aerobics song.

Sing on my YouTube channel or Instagram.

Publish my next Friday Friend Features by January 5th.

Learn basic Japanese greetings and social phrases.

  Plans for Winter Break: Travel, Diet, Exercise + Lifestyle Guess who's arrived home in Los Angeles?! Yep, this girl right here! Well, technically I'm behind the screen, but you get the idea.

[swimintothesound]

Lil Aaron is The Internet's Last Hope

A bit of a sequel to my recent write-up on the 2017 Soundcloud scene, this post is a markedly more positive look at an artist who is using the same path blazed by trap musicians to create something wholly unique on his own terms.

While the hair-dyed “mumble rap” scene of 2016 paved the way for an unrelenting crop of new artists like XXXtentacion and Lil Pump, it also built a framework that allowed for the emergence of new artists who were able to use the same sound and take it a step further. The anthesis of these aggressive bass-abusing rappers is a long-haired dude named Lil Aaron. Described as one of the music industry’s “best kept (and weirdest) secrets,” Aaron is a 23-year-old rapper from Indiana who grew up with an omnivorous appetite for music. With a diet consisting of equal parts hip-hop and rock, Aaron’s music is the product of two decades of careful study and appreciation. He is the result of unrestrained internet access and becoming musically-conscious in an era where T-Pain and Outkast were as prevalent as Taking Back Sunday and Blink-182.

In 2017, those genre-based barriers are lower than ever, and Lil Aaron has spent the last year building a musical playground in which all sounds are treated equally. He isn’t making the same blown-out trap centered around adrenaline-inducing primordial chants, but he uses many of the same techniques as the Soundcloud rapper greats. From song topics, terms, and cultural idioms, even down to the dyed hair, Aaron takes the traditional signposts of the genre and plays with them until they’re barely recognizable. What emerges is a Das Racist-esque parody that shows immense appreciation for the scene while simultaneously deconstructing the tropes as he’s using them. It’s mercilessly poking fun at the genre in the way that only an insider can, all while making one-of-a-kind music in the process.

103°

I first became aware of Lil Aaron’s existence while browsing the Twitter-sphere on a particularly hot 103° day in Portland. I’d spend the day writing in my backyard, sweating it out and listening to Lana Del Rey in between submitting vaguely-flippant job applications. I’d put in a surprisingly hard days work and figured some mindless Twitter scrolling was a suitable reward.

I stumbled across a video that power user @belatweets2u had retweeted featuring a big white dude with green hair dancing and the caption "im a hot topic.” I’ll admit I was intrigued (and ready to hate it), but I clicked on the video anyway, mainly in an attempt to figure out how this played into my go-to high school clothing shop. When I expanded the video, I heard the unmistakable sounds of Panic! At the Disco’s "I Write Sins Not Tragedies” and was taken aback.

I had to look away from the phone and catch my breath just to make sure I was hearing this right. To say I was perplexed would be an understatement. I hadn’t listened to the song in years, but the song’s instantly-recognizable opening notes took me back to middle school instantly. The 2005-era orchestral plucks were accompanied by Aaron’s alternating “ayyy’s” and “yeah’s” in between the song’s quickly-plucked pizzicato strings. His ad-libbed additions were on-beat and, while incongruous, fit in eerily well with the song’s original overwrought emo context. As the song’s eighth measure hit, right as you’re expecting Brendon Urie’s vocals to enter at their familiar spot, a catastrophic bass blast enters the mix accompanied by Aaron’s auto tune-drenched voice singing “I’m a Hot topic, yeah.”

I was smitten.

He continued to dance, sing, and ad-lib along with his Disco-infused trap song, and within seconds everything fell into place. It was an instantly-endearing mix of modern trap stylings and middle school nostalgia that melted my heart and made me a fan within the space of a single 37-second Twitter video.

Further Down

From there, I sought out Lil Aaron’s Soundcloud and played his most recent song “Warped Tour” which takes the same approach as “Hot Topic,” this time sampling Paramore’s megahit “Misery Business” for another trap-inspired anthem. Within the song, Aaron toys with a common trap idiom by making a direct comparison between his bands (stacks of money) and the number of bands playing Warped Tour. In the time it’s taken me to write this, he’s since released “Top 8” which samples Fall Out Boy’s “Sugar We’re Goin Down” and acts as a loving, nostalgic ode to MySpace using the name of the site’s notorious friend-ranking feature as a springboard for wordplay which leads to the line “give me top, aye.”

It’s an incredible mixing of genres, sounds, terminology, and humor that I never would have thought possible given all the time in the world. Most of the tracks follow a similar format: lure the listener into a sense of familiarity with the original sample, throw them a curveball with a leaned-out trap chorus, sandwich a quick verse in the middle, repeat the chorus, then end. It makes for a brief but compelling listen that doesn’t overstay its welcome or wear out the novelty. And as short as these songs are, Aaron has since (perhaps jokingly) promised he’s working on “making his songs even shorter.” Brevity is the soul of wit, and Aaron is crafting a song structure that’s unmistakable and all his own.

You’d think the crossover between decade-old emo pop and modern trap wouldn’t be a very wide Venn diagram, but it turns out Aaron’s audience is surprisingly vast. It seems that many other listeners have experienced similar twists and turns in their journey of music discovery. Aaron is uncovering a built-in audience of fans that share a single touchpoint and cultivating a relationship with them as he continues to add onto it. With songs that routinely get hundreds of thousands of plays on Soundcloud and cosigns from Chief Keef, Slim Jxmmi, Bella Thorne, and even Kylie Jenner, Aaron’s audience is massive and only growing.

I’m glad the internet has allowed for artists like Lil Aaron to flourish. It’s such an audacious combination of genres (one that would have never found success or even life in the traditional music industry), and I’m glad that it exists. The ability for an artist to put something out into the universe and have it find an audience is one of the beautiful benefits of living in 2017.

He doesn’t fit perfectly into a box, but that’s fine, he’s not for everybody, and that’s the upside to our ever-splintering media landscape. In an interview with Pigeons and Planes Aaron addresses freedom:

“That’s what’s cool—with the Internet and where we are with media and technology, you don’t have to be selected by people in power to be successful in the music industry. Anywhere I am right now, I did all by myself.”

It’s absolute, unbridled freedom. The ability to mash two disparate sounds together and see what comes of it. Your audience will find you eventually, sometimes you just have to create and see what happens next. As Aaron revs up to drop his next emo-infused track “IWGFU” I find myself anticipating his every move and anxiously awaiting the inevitable collection of trappy-pop-punk bangers. Here’s to innovation, and a long, weird career. Here’s to Lil Aaron.

[riderofthemaelstrom]

So, I've finally played Mass Effect: Andromeda

I must say, it's not as bad as some people are make it out.

The CC, of course, is total shit. I barely have any control over my character's appearance, and there are nowhere near enough hairstyles to satisfy me( plus, the hairline is too low most of the times IMO). I attempted to make my character a Triss Merigold lookalike, just for the sake of seeing if I can recreate a pretty female character using what I have. I used the short haired black preset because I thought it was the most proportional one( most of the presets looked outright fugly without any tweaking and had disproportionally huge lips as if they artificially used whatever celebrities use to make their lips bigger). I ended up with a red headed latino/mixed race - looking Ryder who, while not the fugliest chara out there, had a perpetual frown on her face that ruined her appearance in a lot of ways and at times made her look more like an angry teenager rather than a mature adult( I don't know if making the characters look younger was intentional, but Ryder is 20-something, not 15, having such expressions looks plain silly.). The animations really are bad( at least they were before they patched it, I still have a cracked, unpatched version), but it's been discussed so many times I don't want to come back to it.

I left the default Scott because my grandma was upset I still wasn't asleep at the time, so I had to quickly wrap up the customization, and I didn't want to leave him customized because my attempts to customize them ended up with him looking either like a socially awkward school student( I would have kept him this way if I was doing a gag playtrough, but that's for later) or like an angry mobster, so I haven't looked around the male character creator as much. I really wish that they actually spent more time developing a more versatile character creator, with more attention to facial shape, rather than adding crazy ass options like purple hair( come at me speshul snowflakes XD), red eyes( I didn't know vampires existed in the ME universe), some really silly tattoos( not that they all are silly, but some really are), and other elements of the SJW fashion that only 14-year-olds and players who don't take their characters seriously would choose, which weren't present on any NPCs in the original trilogy but for some reason are present here. because I've seen fanmade character creators that can do a lot more *side-eyes Skyrim's RaceMenu* . But enough of this.

The chunk of the story I played was... okayish, I guess? I've seen worse, I've sen better. But I don't think, its the "average" okayish, but instead "hopping between good and incredibly silly" okayish. Some moments I really liked, were dramatic, and I would even say they're well done, but there are also incredibly cringy moments there and there.

Also, the cliches. First it was the *SPOILER* "offing the parents in the beginning" trope. Am I the only one who is getting more and more fed up by it? Like, let them make it at least until the middle of the story, so their death could have had an impact( remember when they killed off the player's spouse in the first 20 minutes of Fallout 4, and as a result, nobody cared)? Or let them not die at all, because let's face it, while parents dying is a source of drama, losing one of them is not nice, with "not nice" being a scandalous understatement. Alec Ryder seems like he could have been an interesting character, but they had to kill him off so that the player character could be special. Which brings me to the next trope that is IMO very overused.

I don't know what's this with storytellers in media, but making the main character special seems like a big deal( and it's always been a big deal for BioWare games). As I wrote earlier, Ryder's father dies, after which Ryder is promoted to a Pathfinder, with a kinda thin argumentation that other people wanted it, despite your character having less experience than the other people around. Then, suddenly, everyone looks up to you and see you as the solution to their problems, again, despite you most likely still not wrapping your head around what's happening. And the more I play, the more the game starts to feel like a Space Jesus simulator( not that the original trilogy didn't give such vibes, but it wasn't anywhere near Andromeda's level of Space Jesusing, unless you take the shitty endings of ME3, which most players ignore anyway, into account).In one mome t you become the beacon of hope to everything and everyone. 

I know that players love feeling special. Still, not every character gets to or should be the Saviour of All. There are smaller, less remarkable characters, whose stories happen to be just as, if not as engaging as the stories about the Chosen Ones. I mean, take the Witcher 3. Geralt is a witcher. Sure, he gets himself into different kinds of stuff thourought 7 books and 3 games, he does different things, which gets him different kinds of fame, but that doesn't make him the Chosen One, or the saviour, or something like that. That role is given to his ward/ adopted daughter, and his search for her is what kicks the main quest off. During he sidequests, other than dealing with monsters, he also has to deal with peasants and townsfolk who are not that special or outstanding. Yet, somehow most of TW3 quests are more dramatic, interesting and touching than the ones I've seen in Andromeda. Again, like I said, you can make a story about a character who isn't the Chosen One that is still interesting.

Back to Andromeda. While I haven't gotten particularly attached to them like I did to the original trilogy characters, they do seem likeable. Liam is goofy at times and it kind of amuses me, but he seems like a good buddy. Cora seems kinda badass, the cool, experienced character to Ryder's young and curious. Haven't settled for a romance yet, if I romance anyone, I'll probably go for Jaal( I'm a dirty alien fucker and I'm not sorry XD) , but. I. Want. Turians. Quarians. And. Drell. Why aren't there any options of them( yeah, they said Drell and Quarians will be late, but a male Turian flirt option would be nice).

I've noticed that they removed the Paragon/Renegade conversation choices, and while I am happy they removed an unnecesary karma meter that forced you between picking two flairs of dialogue, I still don't know if they kept the interrupts. No need to label them Paragon/Renegade, just the interrupts. They were fun. I haven't seen them yet, but I hope they kept them. As for the tone system, I haven't played far enough yet to see what effects it has on your experience of the game.

I like combat. It seems challenging( at least on Hardcore, which I chose for my playtrough), and at the same time more versatile than the one we used to have. Really an improvement over the original trilogy on this department. Bravo, BioWare.

I hope nobody takes this as a negative review( post? whatever?). With me trashing CC and discussing the story tropes, it might seem like I am hating on ME:A, but I'm not. It's an okay game. Not as good as the original ME trilogy, but not the worst thing I've ever played either. Overall, I think your opinion might depend on your expectations of the game. Still haven't played far enough to consider the game a win or a disappointment, but I don't think it's as terrible as some people made it out to be. Anyway, you may not agree with me. You play - you find out.

[carmenontheartistsway-blog]

Week Four: Recovering a Sense of Integrity

Key concepts: Writing Prayers and Media Deprivation

- Media Deprivation: Well, the PDF i’m reading still operates with the term “Reading Deprivation” but I did extend it to contemporary context. This meant: not reading books, articles, fb news feeds, fb/slack discussions, notifications, advertisements on the streets, not browsing pinterest, instagram, youtube. Unless I needed information that I was about to turn directly into action. Like if it was part of communicating with friends or I was about to write something or do artistic homeworks for the storytelling course I am taking etc. So my take on it was: no “passive information intake”, it has to be interactive. Now that the week is over, I can already sense that I am more likely to waste time on browsing. Yet I would also like to acknowledge that I often found important pieces of information/inspiration this way, like about a concert of a good friend of mine in the Music Academy the day I arrived to Budapest. And much more. But I have learnt from the deprivation and will try to be (even) more aware of the distractions. I did watch a Youtube video of a song because I was tired of the deprivation and thought that less than 4 minutes won’t really distract me. I also accidentally read billboards on the streets and even a fb post in the very beginning and started looking up technical terms connected to it when i realized what i was doing.:D 

- Morning Pages: Now I really like them! They help to organize my day and face the challenges ahead, thinking about possible strategies to handle them. I guess it is also due to the MPs that I see more clearly and things hurt on a more conscious level. I feel that it is hard to be who I would like to be here in Hungary, even in my family. I can’t be that boheme/burlesque-y/glittery/edgy whatever being I dare to be in Copenhagen. I feel that my wings are broken. That I would be perceived as immature, self-centred/exhibitionist/vain and cheap, ridiculous. Also, how dare I be happy and rock to the music in my ears when walking on the streets or standing in the line? When other people are so miserable? I also judge my body to a much higher extend. While in DK i would be considered normal and even women above size M wear whatever without being judged, here my impression is that the only categories that exist are ‘thin’ and ‘fat’, the latter with a negative connotation, also meaning that you should hide because your body is disgusting. I might exaggerate but that is how i am experiencing it, unfortunately.:( I try to stay strong, be the spark in the dark but that’s a tough fight to take The Artist’s Prayer definitely helps. i quite like the one i wrote to myself. it encourages to embrace myself, others and the flow.

- Extended Artist Date: I took my artist to a few-hours-long walk in a park. My original idea was to go up the hills and do some Steve Roggenbuck-style video recordings. But everything was extremely icy and I was worried about getting too far out of the city and worrying too much about the practical issues instead of creating. So I chose the safe path which is a bit sad since I realized again when revisiting my so-called Life Pie that I really lack adventures and risks in my life. I did go to aerial silks on Friday and had a bit of a romantic adventure as well but it’s all still in a relatively known setting (that’s how i feel about the burning man events which are rather healing than insightful for me than adventurous).Anyways, the Artist Date went ok well although there was a lot of noise in the park because of some construction work but I managed to do some visual recording I can use, also combined with some improvised electronic music from the free app Walk Band that i just started to explore.

Having mentioned the lack of adventures, I must also mention that “event deprivation” can actually also spark creativity. Saturday I really wanted to go to the city to just follow the flow, get out of my comfort zone, try something new. I prepared myself but then I got too tired. So i stayed at home and relaxed a bit. I took a longer bath in the bath tube and worked on the plot of my novel in my head. I ended up with a scene segment which I began to write as I came out of the tube. Also the preparation of the scene. Those were the very first pages in my novel! I’m so happy to have started! The novel I am developing through this MOOC visual storytelling course I am taking to which I finally created two digital art pieces to after a long silence due to my thesis. The first composition came quite clearly to me without much thinking process. The second one was a result of trial-and-error of the different filters and effects and although i found it quite a simple and not that interesting piece compared to the first one, i got quite good feedback on it, someone even called it ‘perfect’.  You can see my works here: https://www.instagram.com/carmen_storytelling/

And the storytelling course here: https://www.instagram.com/storytelling1o1/

Beside of my novel and visual storytelling, I also experimented with music. I’ve been working on a dj set for burning man events since last march (it changes all the time) without ever finishing it. but now i decided to change my focus and do a feel-good dj set for morning parties (Beats ‘n’ Breakfast in cph, similar concept to Morning Glory in london). so i created the playlist, the order, now i ‘just’ have to create the transitions and record it. it seems to be quite doable. I also composed two songs on the free app Music Maker Jam that i recently downloaded. it’s a lot of fun. i used to have it on my old computer. i might post some mixes when i will have more and feel more confident. :)

oh and ****BONUS***: my musician friend who sang in the Music Academy introduced me to his friends from choir as a dancer!! Oh boys, these affirmations seem to start working!! :)

This week is a bit more social and eventful but let’s see how much creative work i can still get done.