#anyway what am i even rambling about anymore lol

[deltaruminations]

what if gaster in a future chapter calls out the audience for speculating so much about him. the guy canonically has some amount of access to Real Life Social Media. like i started this mostly as a joke but there are definitely some real metanarrative opportunities for a character with recklessly curious impulses, and possibly a fragile sense of self, having nearly limitless access to streams of debate over whether or not he’s a bastard. rude to talk about someone who’s listening etc

[spoondoodles]

I blacked out and more Logince HS AU appeared on my canvas idk what happened (also ty @oatmeal-stans-the-trash-rat for some inspiration sorry it took so long to make a post about Them <3)

[radioroxx]

What do you think Odile does for a living? She feels teacher like to me. What do you think she would do post canon?

HMMMM THIS IS GOOD QUESTION…

ive seen a lot of people hc her as a teacher / professor so i!! think that suits her pretty well. specifically as someone who studies + specializes in different types of craft (that would be why shes so proficient in multiple craft spells. also how she was able to figure out the loops stuff, AND to find something that could prevent siffrin from looping back).

post canon i am not sure… i am always torn between how the party would handle things post canon. obviously they would keep travelling for a bit, odile alongside her family without the stress of. constant sadness encounters + a king to kill lol. i think maybe she would get to take her time, reeaally get to know vauguardian culture when not within. a crisis. as was her original intention.

eventually. EVENTUALLY. when the family settles down somewhere (i am a “they all get a big house together” believer lol) she would get back into craft stuff. maybe go back into teaching too—surely people would be eager to hire a saviour. especially though i think it would be neat of her to try looking into wish craft etc, as a long forgotten form of craft. to satisfy her own curiosity, for siffrins sake, or just as a way of preserving the countries culture in whatever ways possible.

[crowleys-bentley-and-plants]

Am i gonna use the heisenberg uncertainty principle in my anthropology essay in which i need to refer back to my own discipline which happens to be the exact opposite of quantum physics? You bet i am

[larentslovechaos]

Are we telling ex stories??? Because my ex broke up with me out of the blue and then blocked me on everything so it was kind of blindsiding and we didn't talk or anything for over a year. Well I was cleaning out my spotify playlists a few weeks ago and saw a playlist she made me and I was surprised that it still existed. So I clicked on it and it took me to her profile and that was the one thing she didn't block me on and I was looking through her playlists and there was a "playlist for ******" and that name is the name of the boy she told me annoyed her at work everyday. So I think she was cheating on me but she never admitted it so that stings like at least have the guts to tell someone and don't make up a bs excuse of why you're breaking up with them

oh we can definitely tell ex stories! lol

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I truly hate these times we're in of being able to just "ghost" someone. It stings even when it's just someone you're "talking to"/dating. I had it happen pretty recently. Like why is it so hard to just be a decent person and say how you're feeling, and why you're breaking it off instead of leaving someone wondering.

I hope you weren't with them for very long for them to have done that to you. Sending love your way 💞💞

If anyone wants to share any ex-stories feel free to drop them in my inbox!

[marksmelodies]

stuck like glue

“tangled in love stuck by you from the glue”- glue song by beabadoobee

paring: chenle x fem! reader

genre: smut,fluff

warnings: mention of sex, oral (f), unprotected sex, cussing, kissing

note: i know chenle lives on his own but for the sake of this story pls pretend that he lives in the dreamies dorms lol

no proof read

minors dni

———————————————————————————————Chenle has been away on tour for a little over a month. Tomorrow him and the dreamies will arrive back to korea, you’ve never been more excited to finally see your boyfriend again,You already took off a few days of work and told your professors that you won’t be in class for a few days.Of course Chenle didn’t seem supper happy about you calling off of work and missing school just to see him But deep down he was excited to finally get some alone time with you

“I cant wait to see you lele, Daegal and i miss you so much” you say to your boyfriend over facetime

“ I miss my girls too, thanks again for taking care of her while i was away” Chenle says

“ It’s not a problem babe i mean i’m basically her mom am i not??” you ask

“ What?? no Daegal has no mom only a dad” he says

“ Oh right Chenle that’s why she wines and claws at the door when i leave the dorms”

“ You’re such smart ass Y/n”

“I really do miss you though babe,ask Jisung I talked his ear off every night about you, actually don’t ask jisung or any of the members anything.. forget what i said” He starts rambling and you notice that his ears are turning bright red

“And why’s that lele?” you ask with a smirk on your face

“ Uhh i may or may not have drank a bit to much one night after our show and accidentally spilled to jisung, mark and renjun about how good you are in bed” he says extremely embarrassed

Your eyes go wide as you audibly gasp

“ You did not” you say rather loudly

“ I’m sorry babe i was drunk i doubt they even remember it, i only remember so much i don’t know what else i said” he tries to defend himself, You start laughing uncontrollably

“ That’s actually hilarious, i never see you that drunk” you say making fun of him “You’re such a brat” he laughs

Once your FaceTime call ends with Chenle you tidy up your apartment that you both agreed he would stay at for a few days once he gets home from tour. You get ready to head to bed and say goodnight to daegal

“ Your daddy is gonna be here tomorrow!!” you say in a high pitched voice causing Daegals head to slightly turn, ears to purk up and tail to wag “ I know i’m excited too” you say as you pet her head and turn off the light ,It feels like hours have passed since you closed your eyes, it’s hard to sleep because of the excitement running through your veins,Finally you feel yourself drifting off to sleep

You shoot up and look at the clock that reads 2:45 am you woke to up the feeling of sweat dripping down your face, you realize that your whole body is drenched in sweat “ What the hell” you say in utter confusion as you get up to check the thermostat “ Why isn’t my air conditioner working” you say pressing buttons on the screen

You walk out into the hallway to check if air is flowing through the hall,Sure enough the hallway is cold yet your apartment is sweltering hot “ You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me” you say as you walk back into your place

Turning on every fan you can find and placing them towards you and Daegal it finally felt a little bit better but not nearly enough to spend anymore time other than tonight in your apartment , Once the morning came you called the tenant about the air conditioner “ What three to five days just to get someone to check it out?” you say baffled

“ Sorry ma’am our technicians are booked out for a while” the man says on the other side of the phone

“ Alright well thanks anyways” you say as you hang up “god this is not how i wanted my week to start” You called your boyfriend to tell him about the air, Chenle talked to the members and they all agreed that you could spend a few days at the dorm until your air conditioning gets up and running. you’ve spent the night a few times at the dorm but never more than just one night at a time, you felt bad intruding on the other boys place but living without air conditioning during the hottest season in korea was a big no for you

Once you got the text that Chenle has landed and is on his way to the dorms you begin to make your way there as well. Standing at the entrance a wave of nervousness comes over you as you knock on the door “ Y/n come in” Jeno says while giving you a big smile “ Hi Jeno it’s good to see you” you say

“ It’s good to see you too, Chenle is in his room” he says You thank him and head towards your boyfriends room knocking on Chenles door before opening it. Daegal jumps out of your arms running to her dad “ Daegal my sweet girl i’ve missed you” he says bending down to pet her “Uhmm” you clear your throat standing at the doorway as Daegal runs out of the room to see the other members

“ I told you she loves me more” chenle says laughing

“ Really lele i haven’t seen you in over a month and this is how you greet me” you scoff in annoyance

“ Babe i’m kidding come here” he says as he walks towards you engulfing you into a big hug

“ I missed my baby girl” he says to you while kissing the top of your head.You lay on his bed and let him get settled and unpacked before demanding his undivided attention,You lay on Chenle chest while you both talk for what seems like hours about his tour,He tells you everything from start to finish, and you excitedly listen to him.When you both are done talking he decides you two should go out and hang with the rest of the guys

Chenle walks to the door about to leave the room when he realizes that you aren’t behind him “ Come on babe let’s go” he says waving you over to walk towards the door

You don’t say anything

Chenle walks back over to you and you throw your arms up in the air.Chenle makes a confused face.He knows that what you want is to be held; He also knows that you absolutely hate pda and would rather die than to show affection in front of the other boys so why would you want him to carry you out there?

Chenle shoves his confusion into the back of his mind and picks you up ,He wasn’t expecting you to want to be carried but what shocked him the most is that you clinged onto him like a koala, he took both arms off of you to open the door and you’d stayed clinging to him with your arms and legs wrapped tightly around your boyfriend ,You laid your head on his shoulder as he walked to the living room where the rest of the dreamies were hanging out

The boys all look at Chenle as he walks into the room, never in the three years you and Chenle have been together have they seen any type of affection being given between you two,There’s been times where haechan jokingly asked if you and Chenle were really dating because of the lack of a skinship “ you guys don’t even hug around us, that’s suspicious is it not”

The guys say a lot with there faces but no one voices anything out loud, Chenle shot a “i don’t know what’s going on” look at them and sat down on the couch with you still wrapped around him.The dreamies decide to play video games and of course Chenle was down to beat them all, through the entire gaming session you stayed wrapped around him not saying a word. Although Chenle didn’t seem like it he was honestly pretty worried about you, you never act like this in front of people

Of course behind closed doors you were affectionate towards him, but even then you were never this clingy

“ Babe i want to get something to drink” he whispered into your ear,No response came from you, you just looked at him and put you head back onto his shoulder.He got up and walked to the kitchen with you wrapped around him, opening the cabinets and the fridge he poured himself a cup of water, while you stayed clung to him completely unbothered. He goes back to gaming with the boys taking his mind off worrying about you

Later in the evening Jaemin starts making dinner, usually chenle and Jaemin cook dinner for everyone,Chenle looks over at Jaemin who’s in the kitchen and gives him a “ i’m sorry bro” kinda look followed by Chenle looking down at you and then back to Jaemin,Jaemin didn’t mind though he grabbed Jeno to help him make dinner

“ Hey babe you wanna let go for a second so i can use bathroom ” he asks, you just shake your head no, with that chenle sighs and takes you with him,He puts you on the bathroom counter and you finally unlatch from him “ everything okay baby?”You say nothing, just give him a quick nod as he comes back over to the sink to wash his hands and you latch right back onto him.Chenle really thought he finally got you off of him, he just looked at you confused again and kissed your forehead while walking back to the living room

He ate dinner with you wrapped around him, he asked if you were hungry, you shook your head no,At this point chenle gave up just letting it happen, everyones so confused by what’s going on, especially since you hadn’t said a word since you came out of Chenles room hours ago

After dinner Chenle did the dishes with you wrapped about him, he fed Daegal with you wrapped around (him which was pretty challenging he’ll admit) he played more games with you clung to his body. The guys suggested watching a movie and started scrolling through netflix debating on which one to choose

“ You wanna watch the movie with them or go back into my room” Chenle asks hoping for an answer.You just shrug your shoulders while your head is buried into the crook of his neck.Chenle has honestly had enough, he doesn’t know what’s going on, are you just tired? are you mad at him? are you upset? you were perfectly fine hours ago what happened??He gets up off the couch and brings you into his room sitting on the bed

“ Baby look at me” he says in a serious tone,You lift you head up off of his shoulders and look up at him

“ What’s wrong sweetheart” he asks

“ Nothing” you say shortly.Chenle is visibly getting annoyed by your short answers you’ve been giving him for hours

“ Y/n you’re pissing me off i don’t want to yell okay” he says “ what is wrong my love, saying “nothing” isn’t going to cut it”

“ I just missed you lele” you said

“ Are you sure that’s all baby”

You nod “ yes i promise i just want to be close to you” Chenle looks at you and smirks

“ I can think of a few ways we can get a lot closer than you just clinging to me” he says smirking.You laugh and push him away, he pulls you back and smashes his lips onto yours,Tongues battling for dominance you quickly lose,he flips you around so that he’s now towering over you

“ You’re so pretty lele”

“ Says you angel, god i missed everything about you” Chenle whispers in your ear,lips attached his hands roam your body unbuttoning your shirt and taking off your shorts, laying there in nothing but your undergarments Chenle pulls away from your lips to look at you “ god you’re so beautiful” he says taking off your bra chenle kisses down you body leaving a trail of marks.He gets to your heat and looks to you for approval, you nod your head yes and he begins to take off your panties, spreading your legs apart and leaves kisses on your heat before kitty licking your pussy,you instantly throw you head back into the pillow and grab Chenles hair while arching your back Chenle takes that as a sign to go farther and fully dive into your cunt, trying your best to hold in your moans knowing that right outside the door were the other members

“Fuck Chenle that feels so good” you moan softly as you tug on his hair a little harder his eyes look up to yours giving you an eye smile while hes still working to get to you finish while licking stripes up and down your pussy Chenle pushes a finger into your hole roughly going in and out

Feeling a tingly rush throughout your entire body you knew you were about to finish

“ Babe i’m about to cum” Chenle removes his finger and licks up and down your clit causing you to release,Chenle keeps one hand rubbing circles on your clit while the other hand covers your mouth, you let out a loud moan covered by chenles hand, he knew better than to leave you completely ungaged, he knows you’re a loud moaner, he could tell it was taking everything in you not to let out the normal pornagraphic moans that you usually do. After he lets go of your mouth he goes back into your pussy to ride out the rest of your high leaving both of you panting, Chenle pulls you into a kiss having you taste yourself

“Chenle please fuck me” you beg

“ Babe the guys are right outside”

“ I’ll behave i promise”

Chenle looks at you suspicious not sure whether believe you or not, you begin stroking his hard member through his grey shorts, Chenle let’s out a grunt and pins your arms beside your head

“ Don’t be greedy ” he warns while pulling his pants off and throwing them across the room with his shirt that was already long gone, he pulls down his boxers revealing his hard length, you basically drool over his dick which causes Chenle to chuckle,He pulls your hips closer as you wrap your legs around his torso, he slowly pushes in, Chenle lets out a grunt as his dick slides into the tight walls of your pussy

“ Fuck y/n you’re so tight” he says while progressively moving in and out faster “god you’re so wet too” he says right before pounding back into you

He has one hand on your waist and other covering your mouth like before,You shut your eyes feeling your body going into a different dimension

“ look at me, I wanna see my pretty girl” you look at him and make eye contact while he’s fucking you so good,you can tell he’s about to nut by the way his thrusts become sloppy and he moves faster and faster while soft moans and grunts fill the room hoping the members can’t hear what you two are doing

“ Fuck baby i’m coming” he says as he slows down his pace, you feel hot liquid shoot into your core as he fills you

He lays down on top of you but doesn’t pull out yet

“ That was amazing Chenle”

“ You felt so good my love, you did so well for me” he said as he kissed your lips and pulled out of you,you both lay there for a little bit just soaking in the presents of eachother before he gets up and puts his clothes back on heading to the bathroom, he comes back with a warm towel cleaning you up and making sure you’re okay.After not having sex for a while you were pretty sore but it was nothing major and you didn’t want to make chenle feel bad so you just smile and thank him for cleaning you up .Once you both freshen up you go join the boys in the other room to finish the ending of the movie that neither of you were there for

As he was watching the screen you were watching him, admiring how beautiful he is and how lucky you are to be with such a good guy, you thought about how many girls would kill to be in your position and a sense of pride washed over you, you were proud to be his girl.

“ Y/N is everything okay” renjun asking about earlier,all the boys look at you and Chenle

“ Yeah i’m fine thanks” you reply smiling

“ She just wanted dick” Chenle blurts out

“ What the fuck lele” your face begins to heat up as you shove Chenle

“ Yeah we have ears ” Haechan smirks at you both

“ I don’t know what your talking about” you defend yourself

“ Right because the headboard slamming into the wall which happened to the this wall” pointing at the one in front of them with the tv on it “ was from you both jumping on the bed” Haechan says sarcastically,You burry your head from embarrassment into Chenles shoulder while the boys are laughing

“ I mean you guys did make the tv shake” Mark chimes in

“Shut up your all just jealous you don’t get any” Chenle states

“ At least we know they’re a real couple, i was starting to think it was fake” Haechan laughs

—————————————————————————

my first fic! i hope you enjoyed!! my requests are open for all of nct!!

[remedyturtles]

out of curiosity, are you an only child? I'm one of four brothers (aged 2-26) and have multiple estranged half siblings, and I've always found the way you write familial interactions between the brothers to be just. incredibly realistic and raw

Especially between Leo and Donnie - their interactions in your writing will occasionally (bar the codependency...) parallel interactions between my older brother and I to a T and it's. so touching

If you are an only child, what goes into writing familial interactions for you?

If not, do you have any specific memories or experiences of your own that you melt into interactions between the brothers?

Your writing brings me so much comfort and makes me love my brothers just a little harder

LMAO definitely NOT an only child hahahaha. i have an older sister and an older brother, then two bonus brothers

hmm! experiences... let's see. under a cut bc you got me rambling abt my family LMAO

our family groupchat is titled 'live and don't learn that's us'

once my brother drove over 12 hours all night to come rescue my sister and i after our car broke down during a road trip and the only payment he took was pizza

i still have an envelope that my brother slid under my door after a fight with other family that says on the top 'I HEARD YOU WERE UPSET BUT BIG BROTHER STILL LOVES YOU'

at my high school graduation, my brother took a very expensive trip home for two days just to walk me down the aisle. i did a speech and wasn't nervous at all bc every SINGLE time i looked out at the crowd he was looking at me with the fucking BIGGEST smile on his face

after my sister moved out and went to university she called me every single day

there was a girl that was going after my brother against his wishes and my sister picked up the phone when she called and threatened her so hard that she never talked to my brother again and like ten years later he was like 'yeah she just gave up one day idk what happened' and we were like 'um sister happened' and he was like 'WAIT WHAT' LMAO

for years me and bonus brother #1 would steal sister's phone and make her background a selfie of us and she never changed it and even one year was like 'hey the selfie is super old can you guys take a new one'

i also have a photo saved on my phone after bonus brother #1 got out of a surgery legit in his hospital bed with the caption 'i lived bitch'

i have been wearing a jean jacket i stole from bonus brother #2 for years and last time he saw me i was wearing it and he did not even remember it was his anymore

every snapchat i've taken of bonus brother #2 is captioned with 'bitch'

last christmas we did powerpoint presentations over discord. sister assigned everyone roles in star wars. brother provided a satirical how-to on home maintenance. bonus brother #1 talked about magic the gathering.

i didn't take many pictures but i do have this moment from sister's that made me laugh out loud:

then another badly taken picture from brother's:

i know what you're wondering now. rem, what did you do your presentation on?

cue groans from my entire family. except, wait....

the only use i've gotten out of my bachelor's degree LMAO

anyway if you got this far, the point is that i am definitely NOT an only child lol. we have issues too of course but they're pretty cool

[thegnomelord]

You know that audio where it's like

"I am the mastermind, he's my accomplice,"

"You're only still alive because I made a promise."

That one? I imagine this as Makarov and Hound cuz we all know Makarov is openly dangerous and will kill anyone and anything without so much as blinking. But Hound? Sure, he invokes fear with his appearance, but people generally aren't scared of him until after his leash has been taken off. Once he's been ordered to kill us when people start to get scared, and that's where the "promise" comes in. But without someone to direct him I feel like he'd be so much worse, so much more violent

Anyway, just rambling, idk if I explained it right

- 🪒

(btw I sent an ask a while back but I didn't have good wifi so idk if it fully went through and I didn't see a response to it yet so I'm assuming it didn't go through cuz of the wifi)

Fuck I grew up with undertale and I remember that song front to back. And now it's gonna be in my head for the next week :/

But yeah, I hc that Hound, for the most part, is treated more like a wild animal by most of the Konni group, alright when at a distance but not to invade his personal space. Some have tried to start up a friendship with Hound, but it's never progressed beyond a professional relationship as Hound is solely devoted to Makarov.

And you are so true with how Hound would be a 100% worse without anyone to 'lead' him. Even when Makarov just points at a city and gives him free reign to do what he wants so long as the city doesn't stand anymore, it's nowhere near the things Hound could achieve if no one was holding his leash. If he's going to hell, Hound's taking the whole world with him.

Also I think I got your previous ask, it's just rotting in my drafts because I want to respond to it fully but... yeah

I got a little overhwhelmed with all the asks about Hound when the good dog fic came out and just with all the asks I'm getting in general lol.

[daistea]

Okay, so you know how there's like, canon racism? (I'm not sure if that's the best word) between long lived and short lived species

Short-lived races are often infantalised, and theres even a canon lil manga panel they drew about how interspecies romance is viewed from both sides.

There's a manga panel where the canaries talk about what you should refer to short-lived races as with Mithrun saying they used to just refer to them as inferior back in his day (I love how offended the canaries look and how the fandom started using the "okay grandpa" meme for him after it.)

(I believe you've reposted both of them, so I'm assuming you already have thoughts™️ on this in that brilliant noggin of yours.)

How do you think this would tie with Mithrun either having feelings or being in a relationship with a human? Like, yes, he's just a product of his society, and he would probably try and change, but I feel like there's just a potential for such interesting dynamics and, like, thought disection.

Sorry for the long ramble, this got slightly out of hand

! Hehe

Disclaimer: My intent is to dissect Mithrun’s weird mindset and how the lack of desires affects his view of other races. Saying “it’s just how he was raised” is no excuse for irl people.

Anyway

I think the whole ‘inferior species’ response is a learned belief for Mithrun. As you said, he’s a product of his culture, despite not caring to adhere to his culture’s expectations anymore.

But I also think he truly doesn’t care. Like it’s a fact to him, short lived races are inferior, he feels no particular way about it because that’s just how things are. He wouldn’t give any thought about those social issues unless it was presented to him, then he’d speak his beliefs emotionlessly because, to him, they’re undeniable facts and there’s no issue.

If he fell in love with someone short-lived, though, I think it would set him off kilter a bit. He wouldn’t care what it looks like, or what others or society thinks. However…. It’s a challenge to what he was raised to believe. I don’t think he’d hesitate in the least, but he would be a bit insensitive to your differences at first, without meaning to.

Like, as an elf he views time very differently. You have to remind him how much more quickly things move for you, that he can’t take years to tackle a problem because you don’t have those years to spare.

He would still consider all short lived races inferior, and he’ll openly say that. He’s not ardently racist for the fun of it, but he’d make comments like ‘huh. A lot of those types here’ and you’re like sweetheart what? If applicable to the conversation, he won’t hesitate to call them inferior. Then he’d look at you and say ‘except for you’ which actually just makes things worse. Feels a bit ingenuine.

You explain to him that he can’t say those things. Honestly, he doesn’t really care at first. He’s like ‘well it’s fact.’ But once you express that that sucks and it hurts and genuinely upsets you, he’s like okay. Okay. He doesn’t get it still, but he’ll watch what he says.

I think he’d make an effort, in his own way, to start understanding. He’d hang around your family and friends. He’d connect with them on personal levels. And remember, his beliefs don’t feel personal to him, so it’s not like he hates anyone. He just doesn’t care to sympathize. But he cares about you, and one of his few desires is to give you what you want. So, he’ll try to defy his cultural upbringing for you.

As for falling in love with someone of a short lived race, like I said it would throw him off a little. He’d not think too hard about it, but in the back of his mind he’s like ‘am I okay?’ LOL

But it’s you. You’re you. He wants you so he’s not going to let race stop him.

It’s only when you explain like ‘Mithrun my culture and race has built who I am as a person and you can’t choose to be blind to that just because you like me’ when he decides to try a bit.

There’s also the lifespan thing. That’s his biggest issue. Sometimes, he looks at you and thinks ‘they’re going to die in 50 years’ and he holds you a little tighter, but doesn’t bother explaining why. It is not good for him. He’s attached, and detaching is not an option. He has no idea what he’s going to do.

Poor old man

[witchy-scribblings]

not even a ramble cause i'm currently not that invested but (jjk259 spoilers)

am i the only one who thinks jujutsu kaisen deaths don't feel canon anymore lol

like, i didn't even find out reading the manga cause i'm not caught up, i just saw the leaks on twitter. choso was right up there with nanami as my fav jjk character, and yet finding out about this chapter didn't even make me feel sad

i just keep thinking "what a joke". and what a waste. what's the point of introducing characters if you're just going to kill off half of the cast

maybe it's because i'm a character-driven kind of girlie, but gege's sukuna dick-suckery is getting ridiculous lmao

anyways, shoutout to those content creators out there whose contributions to the jjk fandom feel more fleshed out and, dare i say, more canon, than the official manga <3

[dearestkong]

reflections // starting the summer term 🌷💌

(feel free to skip … just a lot of rambling about changes of mindset, i’ll sum it up later in my new pinned.)

it’s been more than a month since I’ve started this blog, and I’m really really glad that I did. not because my productivity has spiked or my anxiety has diminished or whatever (though there have been positive effects), but because just attempting to start something like this meant that I was no longer willing to suffer and rot in private. i talked about the “hole of dysfunction and self-hatred” in my old introduction: for so long, that hole was my best-kept secret and my greatest shame. being competent and ambitious was an aspect of my personality, and I couldn’t handle the idea that it wasn’t true.

but then…. dearestkong emerged!! and I started being completely transparent. telling strangers about every day of self-destructiveness. it was a good form of accountability, sure, but it was also a means of telling the truth. this blog has been a way for me to say: i’ve been struggling, and it’s not a fluke or a “flop era” or something entirely disconnected from the high achiever i used to be. the girl fighting off inertia and the girl seemingly doing everything with ease are the same person.

🌷☆彡

my posts have been getting more optimistic recently, and that isn’t a fluke, either. lots of things have happened: i’ve realised how many people support and believe in me, i started taking medication for a problem i’ve had for a while (it’s crazy how the world seems so much brighter now?!!?!), i started writing in my diary again. i’m now 27 days clean from a self-destructive behaviour (this blog isn’t about my relationship with that, but in the early days i used to make a note of relapses and just the fact of acknowledging it felt so freeing to me. it wasn’t something to hide anymore, but a fight i was making progress with.)

this seems like a rapid evolution for such a new blog, right?! but in the next six months, i’m going to be applying to university. i’m about to undergo some of the most rapid evolutions of my life.

🌷☆彡

for so long, i’ve had this vague and unspecified dream: “doing the best” “working my hardest” “impressing my teachers”. now my dream has a name and a face and admissions results attached to it and it’s making me so scared that i want to throw up. when i was in the depths of the hole i couldn’t stop seeing my life as a binary. either i get in, or i don’t. and if i don’t, what the hell is the point of living?

38 days later and i feel a little differently. i am someone who has climbed out the hole of inertia and lived. i have done many things and they’ve all turned out fine— great, actually. i have reason to believe that things will go well.

i still have a pretty nasty relationship with myself, lol. it makes me really happy when people on this blog interact and talk, but they’re all so nice and it makes me feel a little fake. in reality i’m standoffish, awkward, and often mean. i coast by on intellectual abilities while slacking off. i’m a judgemental egoist who is sometimes self-destructive. all of that is true—>

but at the same time, i still have this crazy belief that i deserve the best. it’s literally an overflow of egoism ;;;; there’s nobody i’m more in love with than myself. i think of the girl i’ll be in the future with such affection, and i don’t want her to feel ashamed or resentful of me. she deserves to have her hopes fulfilled!! she deserves the brightest, the best that i can give her.

in conclusion: even if i don’t like the person i am at the present, i have to do it anyway. 1 because there’s no other option and 2 because i love the person i’ll be in the future too much to stop.

🌷☆彡

so from now on, the purpose of this blog is changing slightly. it’s no longer “get out of the hole and survive” like it used to be. we’re past that, we’re already surviving.

now, the aim is to “do my best so my future self can live with no regrets”. that’s not very concise but I’ll work on it.

let’s do this! 加油！

[cerealmonster15]

not 2 be dramatic but also it is my blog where i can ramble about what im feeling whenever i WANT!!! anyway i like. feel like something is fundamentally missing from my entire being or w/e lol. like. i mean there's a very high chance i have adhd which does explain a looooooooot of The Way That I Am and my struggle at doing and focusing on stuff and things and my rapid rotating around short interests in things. but like i also feel like [and maybe this is part of adhd idfk, i havent been Officially Diagnosed just a lot of therapists and friends with adhd all tell me i probs do lol] i just dont feel motivated to do things. and ive been this way i think a lot of my life. i realized a looooong time ago that i was not so motivated by passion but by fear!!!!! fear of failure or whatever!!!

fuckin adding a readmore bc i ended up talking forever lmao

like in school. i got good grades but i never really felt smart exactly. i was able to work really hard and spend a lot of time doing homework and whatever because i feared the consequence of failure. i didnt wanna get bad grades [not even from like a threat from home or anything, i just was afraid of the system lol like i didnt wanna fail and then snowball into ruining everything for my future or w/e. like i've always been kinda 0 to 100 in things like that lolol]

but like i remember going into college like "well i am interested in physics and compsci so i guess ill declare double major til i decide which one id rather do" but i didnt really have a clear goal. physics i dropped first because as much as i like the concept, the classes were still hard and i didnt have any idea of what i'd do with it if i did pursue it. comp sci i at least was like "well i like video games i could do something with that probably" but then i nearly flunked and dropped the class lol. my fault for skipping an intro class bc i was like "Well i learned a lot of the basics in high school" bitch u did not retain any of those basics. anyway i ended up swapping to digital arts under that same "well i like shows and games maybe i can do something with that" and that did ultimately lead me to grad school for game dev and learning what tech art is and all that. and i was employed as one for a lil while!

but then i got let go. and in the midst of a really Hard Time to be unemployd for gamedev bc of the mass layoffs ALSO happening over and over and over and over, so despite the fact that i have some industry experience, i have a significantly harder time even getting interviewed. but a lot of it is my portfolio - unfortunately the nature of the jobs i had didnt really net me much in the way of tangible portfolio work, and a quality / updated portfolio really is what matters in this field

and thats where i hit my problem. i really am not self motivated or like, creative. i dont really have ideas. a lot of my portfolio was school assignments <- stuff i had to do. stuff people told me to do. even now, i sometimes do vfx to help my partner with his solo game hes been making for years, and thats my main portfolio addition source because i need someone to tell me what they want. and then i also struggle to see the vision of that sometimes like ive been SO STUCK on a specific effect im making for the game bc im not understanding the vision and also im not really around other tech artists or vfx artists much anymore. not like in grad school lol. even at my prev job i was the main vfx person so i was kind of on my own floundering around to figure stuff out- and a lot of times i couldnt. there was no senior to guide me if i got stuck.

so when i'm just alone in a vacuum with nothing forcing me to do things i just dont. i LIKE vfx and shaders and even python, but if i dont have a thing where i have to follow specific tasks i just cant think of anything interesting or unique to do myself. even a lot of the python ive learned recently was from a udemy course, which helped a lot bc it was structured with little assignments, explanations i understood in small bursts, and specific projects with specific goals. one of those i did kinda expand on based on what i learned to make a portfolio thing, sort of. it's out of place on my artstation bc it's not really gamedev related at all but its python and it's SOMETHING. python is a tech art skill at least. i can replace it sometime if i have more relevant things but i just dont right now. i dont know what to make. i have no tool ideas, or even if i have a vague idea i just go "i dont really know how id do that" and dont feel motivated enough to figure things out or to make that vague idea even somewhat interesting. vfx i just go "i dont know how to make this look more interesting" and get stuck at unimpressive points if anything. i dont have the designer or passion part of the brain that i kinda need to survive this and it scares me. i like the structure and stability of being employed because someone tells me what they need. i dont know what i'm supposed to do on my own but im supposed to figure it out otherwise my portfolio stays stagnant forever!!!

so many times people will like. have a side project. they learn from those projects. they have a vision they want to see completed and they pick up skills for that thing. my partner is a big example with his game hes making - he could already program but hes learned a lot of the art needed to make it work, because he wanted to see the game made. people have like their comics or animations or games or whatever they do, hobbies, anything that they feel passionate about and i feel like i just lack that passion. scared that i like the idea of doing things more than doing them even if i do enjoy doing the things when i do them, but not enough to like, get myself motivated to lol. if that even makes sense.

like idk. i at least have martial arts - i did aikido in college and i do capoeira now- but it's stuff i can only do bc i have a regular group i pay and go participate in with other people. once i dont have those group settings i dont do it on my own.

ive tried to get myself to learn musical instruments so many times but once i stopped taking lessons for sax or piano bc i got busy with school, i mostly just dropped them. i cant motivate myself enough to practice on my own even tho i did learn enough fundamentals that i probably COULD if i just. cared enough i guess. i always had in the back of my mind that it would be cool, IN THEORY, to draw comics or make a dating sim/visual novel of any flavor, a virtual pet, a farm sim, whatever. but i dont actually have the vision for it. i dont have a story to tell. i'm not motivated enough. ive looked up several times ways i might be able to use python to make a lil tamagotchi project to practice but i just never do!!! maybe i know enough python from the udemy now that i could but would i?? idk!!!

people always say you learn best by just jumping into it. find something fun you want to make or do and then learn as you go. but i dont have passion. im in a vacuum. even with my fics, i still like writing my fics!!! but i slowed down so much on those. because before, i was writing them to share between my friend and me when we were first getting into twst and based off a lot of inside jokes and ideas bouncing off of each other lol. fics, aus, doodles, whatever. and we still talk twst but she isnt caught up to main story anymore and it's not as much of a thing we talk as often or deeply about. i think my doodles got a lot more boring as a result and ive had less ideas. but i do still love the characters so so so so much and i do have fics i want to write... but it slowed down and i dont WANT it to slow down. i get excited over characters and games, and it doesnt really help me in terms of trying to fuckin Get A Job or Learn A Skill or whatever but. like at least it's something. i feel like my doodles got more bland too like i just kinda redoodle the same stiff generic things over and over and over again forever

there are so many things i can just do a little bit of but not enough to be like. impressive. or hireable. or helpful or smart or knowledable or whatever. like i can crochet a little bit. i can sew a LITTLE bit to get some simpler cosplays but nothing fancy. im not motivated enough to push those further to like "make my own clothes" or a more ambitious cosplay even tho i like the base level stuff. i can program a LITTLE in python but cant motivate myself to figure out what to do with it. i used to know a little hlsl and i know some node based shader stuff but not enough to be super deep with it. like more than a non tech artist i guess but not enough to make things that really look all that good 😑 i used to do tech theater in high school, but only really knew the basics of the woodworking and lightbooth stuff, not enough/not kept up with where i could do anything with that now even though i enjoyed it then. i was in chorus in school for like five years in middle/high school and i took some basic piano and saxophone lessons but every time i try to go back to something like that im dusting off the cobwebs. i also have always had huge anxiety so i coudnt ever have considered a performance thing with it anyway. whenever i was in school chorus production musical things i was only in ensemble parts or at the very least singing with a small group of other people because i never had the ambition or desire or bravery to try and stand out lol. i liked being backstage. i started learning to rollerskate but i only ever really got to a point where i could move around without falling over and then as soon as i started capoeira i never touched the skates again. even though it was fun! i studied spanish for years and used to practice with my father but i barely ever do now, even thought i knew enough to go to spain on a school trip we still were in an english comfortable environment and i really could just fumble my way through simple conversations in spanish. i dont keep up with it enough to like, be able to smoothly translate more casual dialogue or whatever and as much as id really love to practice that more, i once again dont have the motivation or drive or even ideas for it. i have a few times thought learning portuguese for capoeira or japanese for just generic enjoyment of japanese games and anime and stuff would be cool but i do. not. stick. with. it.

i do notice lately that the other thing. next to the fear of failure motivation. it is the community thing. i do capoeira not out of fear but because there are other people i go and do it with. i pay for the classes, i enjoy the classes, i do the classes with other people. when i was in school i had other classmates doing the same things with me. when i was in tech theater or chorus clubs i had clubmates. music instrument classes i had the instructor / it was something my mother was paying for me to do / the instructor would give me homework to practice and i had to be able to report to that person the next week so i would have the incentive to do it [another failure thing i guess but still lol]. cosplay i do alone as i make it but then i see other people at cons. i hadnt done new ones in a long time tho because i wasnt going to cons, and the only one i made recently i also had the motivation and deadline of a con coming up that a friend and i were going to go to together and our cosplays connected. theres community. but right now i have no job to worry about failing at, and no coworkers to bounce ideas off of. personal projects are in such a vaccuum i just dont have the motivation or self discipline. even the udemy python thing, some lessons are more interesting than others, and it's general python stuff so rn the recent stuff is like, good dev stuff but not gamedev stuff; but i have learned enough where i probs could take it and run but i dont know how or why or what to do with it!!!

i dont know if im even making a point here i think ive just had these thoughts swirling around my mind and overwhelming me for. well kind of forever LOL

[ofmdee]

i finished another ofmd diamond painting!

under the cut because there is some rambling 😂

i wasn't super crazy about this one as i was working on it, i felt like stede's hand looked weird, there was too much shadow etc, but once again, the finished product impresses me 😂

used a cropped screenshot as reference:

i'm gonna make an actual pretty post once i get it framed, but i wanted to share a while.

i'm gonna be honest, tho, i think my diamond painting Frenzy is waning, and it's bumming me tf out!!!! i feel like i go thru this constant cycle of nothing interests me, nothing nothing nothing, OH found something fun?? 👀 lets do it CONSTANTLY because it feels good to have fun, it's so much more preferable than the hollow feelings, the anxious feelings, the 'what is the point?' feelings etc, but i inevitably exhaust all the fun that can be had much too quickly, because i don't know how to do it in moderation!!! because i Crave the good feelings and it hurts so much when the thing no longer sparks the kind of intense focus and interest.

and i KNOW i hyperfocus on things to the point of it being detrimental to other things, but that's when i feel.... happiest, i think? when i have something that my brain is so latched onto that it's all i can think about to the point where i start to think hey.... maybe i could be happy one day? and then there is the inevitable crash because i burned out and lost interest

(i live in a terrible fear of this happening to my interest in ofmd one day 💀 and i worry about not having anything to fall back on if that does happen)

anyway, idk what the solution to that is, and im not sure what i'm even talking about anymore, lol, but yeah. it's frustrating!

i'm still gonna work on diamond projects, tho, because i do like the end result. here is my next project:

🤭

no idea how i'm gonna explain this one to my parents, lol, theyre always so interested in what i'm working on but they have No Idea that sim ed and stede exist 😂

oh, it's sunday, isn't it? and i should be getting my period soon, maybe this is why it feels so Intense today.

my gf will be here next month tho so i am holding out for that, when i actually feel like a person who could end up happy. i want our lives together to start, somehow, but there are so many variables and obstacles to that, just..... idk. i want my beloved with me more than a few times a year 😔

anyway, idk, sometimes i just like using tumblr like it's an Actual Blog, lol, it's easier to make things make sense on here rather than twitter.

anyway if u read this, thank u, i appreciate u, and i am including two gifs i don't think i ever shared here in thanks 🥰

these were from the beginning of the year, and part of a spicy set 😏🔞

okay. i think im done lmfao ✌

[autisticempathydaemon]

Ohmygod I love matchups

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?

Too sweet by Hozier ofc ofcm I looove Hozier and the way he sings about relationships 😭 Im like not fixated on a specific lyric, I'm fixated on the wedding bells in the background of the chorus

What is your Enneagram type?

Okay it has been a FUCKTON of time since I looked at that stuff but iirc it was 2? Me being an infp is literally the only thing I can consistently remember bc ADHD brain

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?

YESS I listen to them whenever I'm playing Sims or working on something. Any of Jenny Nicholson or Li Speaks’ videos are common for that Nostalgic Essay Stuff. SPECIFICALLY Jenny Nicholson’s jeff the killer fanfiction book video because I OWNED THAT BOOK. I WROTE CREEPYPASTA FANFICTION AND I OWNED THAT BOOK

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

I did not have one and I pretended to because everyone else did and I felt weird for not having one

What is your go-to way to fall asleep?

Imagining being loved and cared for 😭 or whumpy fanfiction scenarios no in-between. But they usually overlap

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

I named myself after a character cause I relate ofc but I also named myself echo because it was another birth name in consideration for me and it feels like… whimsical

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why?

ITS STILL “FLIRTY VAMPIRE LOSES CONTROL” BECAUSE IM OBSESSED WITH SCENES WHERE THE HUMAN PARTNER OF A “MONSTER” CHARACTER IS DIRECTLY CONFRONTED WITH THEIR MONSTROUS TRAITS AND LOVES THEM ANYWAY.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.)

Gavin </3 I am simply not a sexual person and it puts me off a bit lol

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

This spectacular show called dramaworld about a girl whos obsessed with kdramas and gets sucked into the world of them, but not in a “the events are real” way, in a “the entire world is a setup for the same characters to go through various plots, forgetting and falling in love over and over again” and it's hilarious and it's such a comfort show even though I can't watch it anywhere anymore I don't think. The main romance is top tier. It's so funny. And the stakes and plot twists are actually pretty good

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

Probably Sam? I want him to be my dad. I have issues.

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

Apparently when I'm half asleep I start talking about horses? But when I'm still conscious, I mostly talk about like. Vampires mostly.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

doritos dinamita and mountain dew yes I am basic

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment.

I don't have favorite playlists so much as I play 4-6 songs over and over on repeat until I'm sick of them. Currently, those songs are too sweet by Hozier, no more birthdays by sophie may, and Every Chappelle Roan Song.

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why?

I love bad romance novels the more ridiculous and bad, the better. kresley cole's immortals after dark are fun to make fun of (no. Hate if you like them)

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are!

Uhhh my favorite form of interaction is parallel play. irl or digital, in a digital sense it means “we're liveblogging two separate things we're doing at the same time” lmao

- Asher-Echo/vampire-bite

Ooh, there’s a lot of good info to consider here. Initially, it was hard because I find Type Two’s easily compatible with most of the Redacted bois, but what said about “not being a sexual person” made it easy to choose Ollie for you.

Because he has never and will never get a BA, I love to headcanon Ollie as either asexual, low-libido, or both, so that’s one reason I think he’d be a good match for you. I also love that y’all would like so many of the same things like open-world games, bad/silly romance novels, and spending time with one another without the pressure to actively interact or engage with each other. (Also creepypastas. I love to headcanon Ollie as a horror, creepypasta fiend, given he grew up on the internet around when Jeff the Killer came to be.)

Every day with Ollie would be so comfortable and domestic, so sweet. Like, on a long weekend like this one if you’re American, I can see y’all spending it at home, a little staycation. He’d be in the other room or one end of the couch reading, and you’d be on the other reading one of your romance novels. Cattywumpus would be on your lap, because you’re his favorite. Your music is playing in the background, and you both stop what you’re doing to dance to “Hot to Go!”, because Ollie would totes love Chappell Roan.

Song:

Spillin' wine and homemade drinks/ We throw a cheers, the worries sink/ Damnit, it's so good to be alive/ We know that we don't got much/ But, then again, it's just enough/ To always find a way for a good time

Ollie strikes me as the type of guy who loves simple, feel-good, folk-esque music, someone being honest and emotional with a guitar. That’s one reason I like this song for y’all and can imagine it shuffled with yours as y’all hang out. The other is that this love song is sweet, catchy, simple just like Ollie~

Runner-ups:

Your love of the Sims and cheesy paranormal romance novels compels me to give you Elliott as a runner-up, because he could bring the things you read and create to life in your dreams, and that’d be so fun! In contrast, your Enneagram type and identifying yourself as nonsexual makes me want to pair you with Cam who gives me an asexual, easily affectionate vibe.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[iamthat-iam]

Hiiiii, I really like ur blog and teachings and I feel like I get but I really don’t yk lol 😂 (this is crying btw).

I don’t really know how to explain this or put this in words but I think I just may have overconsumed information and all that when it is just that easy but I just feel stuck.

Like I know nothing is real and everything is just an illusion, and feels like even while writing “I” in this Im contradicting myself. Because the person writing this is just an illusion and I know that, but is nothing in this world real? Like I am the creator and I everything that I know of, the beginning of this world/illusion. Am I everyone in this planet? Am I everything or am i nothing? Or is nothing and everything the same? Are you me or am i you? I feel like Im close to getting but I just don’t see it yet. Are we all just “ “? And are we all connected to being a single it “ “?

Like my whole life is just an illusion/dream so I just don’t mind it and ignore and turn my awareness to something else? My imagination and what I have considered real are all the same thing, but are they existing all at once or only when I turn my awareness to them? Are my thoughts even real? What is imagination really? Because when I imagine things I imagine them for a short time inside my thoughts so should I just give reality to them by turning my awareness to them? And to be finally free do I just ignore my thoughts and let them be because they aren’t real anyway, just continue living the illusion. But how do I break from the illusion? Do I just turn my awareness somewhere else? My imagination? Can I just make up a new character with a new story and turn my awareness into that? How do I break free? How do I let go of my emotions? How do I just be? Because I don’t want to be this character/person anymore. I can’t barely stand seeing myself in the mirror and I feel like Im full of anger and hate, even lashing out on others. If what I see with my human eyes isn’t real then is nothing real? Is nothing real, like is the ego, dreams, imagination, tv series, books etc not real at all and just exist when I turn my awareness to them? Am I everything everywhere all at once? Or am I just nothing, a void, and give reality to things but shifting my awareness towards them? I don’t know.

Sorry for all this rambling, I just don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading all this and Im sorry if I wasted your time. You must be tired from answering all these questions. I really appreciate what you do, your blog is one of the places that I go to try and understand this concept of non duality. 🩷

Hi! Thank you for the kind words.

I'm asking you to reread your ask because you answered all of your questions.

Everyone and everything that appears is you.

Without labels and ideas about what you are, you are nothing, or " "

You are " " which means everything is " "

Everything is happening at the same time, now

There is no imagination there is only " " experiencing " "

You were never the person that you want to get rid of, they're not real

Nothing is real other than your sense of being

Now is the time to see this for yourself. All of your questions and doubts will go away, but you have to experience it. You already answered your questions in the ask, now you need to trust yourself enough to take the leap of faith. It's very simple, all you have to do is look.

[marthawrites]

Hi my name is Martha and I'm a big ol' sap!

It's been a hot minute since I've made a post like this - OG followers might remember when I used to make 'em much more often haha!

Anyway, hi!

House of the flippin Dragon season TWO officially starts TOMORROW!? WHAT??! ARE YOU JOKING? It's been FOREVER and now that it's here I'm having a hard time it's actually happening! AHHHH!!!

During my time in this fandom I've wrote 41 fics. That is soooo insane to me! HotD as a whole (I wasn't involved in the GoT fandom but I was and forever will be in love with it), and Aemond, gave me my spark of creativity back. Before coming here, I hadn't wrote anything in probably 5-6 years. I've always loved writing and then I just... stopped. Idk. It's more complex than that but it gets pretty personal and I don't really feel like talking about it. But, yeah. Writing was something I didn't really plan on doing anymore. Then... boom! After S1 was over it hit me so hard and I couldn't NOT do it! I dove in head first and I remember after posting my first ever fic on here, that I was shaking SO bad from nerves, anxiety, excitement, being scared, all of it - WHOA.

I realize 41 fics might not sound like a lot to some people, but for me it is. It's a lot. It's countless hours not only physically writing/typing, but also simping, brainstorming, brainrotting, talking to fellow fandom freaks, rambling in discord, yelling about this and that, reading sooosososo many other people's fic, hyping them up, cheering for people, rooting for people, and SO much more! I love fandom. I really do. It's truly a community and since the end of S1 I've genuinely enjoyed my time here with all of you!!

I'm blown away at the kindness I've found here. The support. The sense of community. All of it! I have friends in my phone from ALL over the world and it's sososo wild to me!

Thanks to everyone who's ever been nice to me (LOL) and read/supported my stuff. As someone who came from niche OC writing to this? I am forever blown away at the community and support here within this fandom. I've made friends and created friendships I never even imagined I would when I came here!

ILY and I cannot wait to experience S2 with you all, and to see what a new season will provide for further fanfiction, fanart, and fandom craziness!

Thanks for making my fandom experience fun, silly, insane, and overall fucking awesome. Seriously.

LOVE YOU!!! ♥♥♥

Here's to more fic (maybe another 41?!?), more simping, and more (affectionate) insanity!

MWAH MWAH MWAH!

ps: I'm going to do my very best to make my blog a spoiler free space with proper tagging and mindful posting!