#anyways i think this just further goes to prove how important it is that we know have openly gay writers in the bl industry

[chaotic-aro-incarnate]

Ok but the fortune teller guy in the past, telling Palm and Nueng about all the struggles that they face being a gay couple back then including how they can't get married and start a family and then Nueng talking about how they can't be open about their relationship due to the conservatives in charge...... I see you P'Jojo I know what you're doing

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

question, have you written anything about ian's avoidant attachment?? i just dont really see anyone mention it even though its a big part of his character

i’ve said things about it off and on but i’ve never really talked about it in depth, but i’ve been wanting to post more so i’m gonna take this as an opportunity to:)

i do think it’s strange that nobody talks about it because as you said, it is SUCH a big and important part of his character. even in season one minor things like him running upstairs when people tried to help him with his broken nose or bigger things like running away from the chaos at home to go see mickey. the way fiona acted when he left also indicates it’s a common occurrence. ian always runs away. we even hear stories about him running away as a kid, specifically from his foster home with carl (there was probably abuse going on, but still, he runs away from conflict frequently and later on we see he can’t commit).

a lot of ian and mickey’s relationship early on wasn’t like how it ended up being, where ian runs. instead it was mickey always running, and we all know why- fear. i think he was trying so hard to keep mickey because he really was in love with him but also because he was so used to being left or being treated like garbage, and he didn’t want that. then obviously, season three he leaves, and the mania contributes for sure but i definitely think a big part of it is again, his tendency to run away. fiona even says, “he’ll be back when he’s back” (which i hated), but again it kind of proves he runs a lot. this time he just ran further and didn’t return for months.

anyway, ian’s avoidant attachment becomes more prevalent around the season five break up, which i could talk about for days because i feel like ian’s perspective isn’t talked about as often. but one of the reasons that he leaves is because they love each other and he doesn’t want mickey to be stuck with him, he can’t commit to this and he doesn’t want to drag mickey down with him. after this we see his struggles with commitment more often, visiting mickey in prison is a pretty good example, which is also something i’ll never really hate ian for. he tells svetlana that he doesn’t want to go because he’s done with that part of his life, he wants to leave everything behind him. when mickey shows him that he tattooed ian on his chest and asks him to wait years for him, it’s a big commitment, which ian is afraid of. he even states in season ten his parents contributed to this fear. he’s never known much about commitment, his parents could never commit to him, the men he fucked never commited to him, and mickey did, but it scares ian away.

season seven is pretty obvious, also. trevor wants a relationship and that also scares him away, and there were definitely other levels to it, but i’ve always viewed his hesitance for another relationship as a part of that. trevor wants commitment, ian isn’t good at that; and it shows when he runs off with mickey (after saying he’s staying and won’t do that). when ian and mickey talk while stargazing the night before mickey goes over the border, i could tell ian wasn’t going to go with him. mickey asks if ian ever thought of him, and ian says he did, but his demeanor to me always still seemed anxious. he realizes this is a big decision, and while he’s already made a lot of big commitments doing this whole thing with mickey, i feel like that’s when he realized. mickey’s leaving behind nothing, but ian’s leaving behind everything. his family, his job, trevor, probably even his stability. i don’t think i even need to talk about him leaving mickey at the border, because again, it was unsurprising and caused by fear and fear only. love was never a factor, and i think mickey must’ve known that.

there’s other examples within the next two seasons, like how he grieved, him hiding from the cops and running away after dyeing his hair black, but it’s always the most obvious when he’s in a relationship with mickey, because their attachment styles contradict each other. knowing he’s getting released on parole was a big thing, because to me, it was apparent he didn’t want to leave but also couldn’t wait to. his whole thing with mickey where he screams “i wanna be where you are!” and mickey responds with, “you don’t get to be.” was a big thing and showed a change in ian’s relationship with attachment. he was willing to throw his whole parole for mickey. it was growth. the marriage license is a whole other thing.

10x08/10x09 are pretty important episodes to me looking at it from ian’s perspective. he does love mickey and that should never be questioned, in fact, it irritates me when people imply he doesn’t, but he was afraid. the way his hand hovered over the paper was fear, and in 10x09 it all goes back to 5x12. ian’s bipolar, he doesn’t want mickey stuck with him. i think in the courthouse he did a good job of explaining why he didn’t want that. frank and monica had so many weddings and he’s watched so much shit go down, and he’s no stranger to being compared to monica. in season nine he states he doesn’t know who he is anymore, and i feel like he’s struggled with that for a while. he ends up marrying mickey, but there was so much trauma and fear he had to push past to do so. he asks mickey how he knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with ian and everything that comes with ian, and obviously mickey is fine with all of that, he loves ian, but ian isn’t sure. like i said, he’s been left so many times and he’s seen what his disorder did to his mother, he’s seen frank and monica’s relationship, and he’s scared. debbie even tells him this. that’s why i felt like his whole promise thing made sense, it symbolized commitment, he tells mickey he can commit, but mickey doesn’t buy it (and i don’t blame him). he learns he has to marry mickey, he has to commit, he has to say vows. and he does, and the whole monogamy conversation further proves he’s still learning and trying to overcome everything.

i dont know if i even answered that question or not and just rambled, lol, but i tried😭😭

[lightlycareless]

heyyyy:33 love reading your nao x reader headcanons, i am feeling bit angsty and been wondering how would naoya react if something goes wrong during yn's labor. like she starts screaming, trashing around and is in lots of pain.

Hello anon!!! You want angst??? WELL YOU GOT ANGST.

Actually it's not that much, but hey, it's not that nice either so... I hope it's to your enjoyment still!

warnings: pregnancy. going into labor. the fear of a baby dying. bleeding. naoya suffers. 🥺

related work: (sequel) (prequel)

Happy reading!

Something going wrong when Y/N is in labor is hands down, Naoya’s worst nightmare. He might’ve prepared everything so to keep risks to the minimum, and yet, there are moments where that is all he thought about.

That, and the worse version of his fears: the two don’t make it.

He tries his best not to think about it, Ranta also tries his best to distract him as soon as anxiety etches his features. And you…

Well, you wish you could offer a viable solution, disappear so the sight of you doesn’t have him spiraling, yet remain close because he needs you and he’s your husband, for crying out loud! You don’t want to be away from him, not even for a second, while pregnant!

But… everything was proving too hard for you to deal with on your own, and stresses like these could only do harm to your pregnancy, alongside those awful thoughts that would cross your mind in the worst moments possible: the idea that maybe Naoya… maybe he didn’t want a family with you anymore.

However, the love both had for one another, for the mochi growing inside you, alongside the support of your family and friends, these obstacles were soon forgotten, replaced with the excitement of the fast approaching day of delivery, the moment you’ll finally be able to hold your baby, as well as see if they were a boy or a girl—not that it mattered, for they’d be unconditionally loved anyways.

Everything was carefully tended to, starting by ignoring the Zen’in’s insane request of having you deliver the baby at the estate, in less than prepared conditions and away from your family just because they wanted.

Nope, not happening. Instead, he arranged your stay at one of the best hospitals of Tokyo, a whole floor with dedicated personnel to solely attend to you; just to begin with.

Your family was naturally impressed by Naoya’s dedication to once again go to these lengths. And yet, he wasn’t doing anything they wouldn’t have done for you; in fact, they also gave their own suggestions to further ensure your safety!

«Well, at least we know she’ll be ok with Naoya…»

“I’m going to be fine.” You’d tell them, slightly overwhelmed by their worries. “Though I do think Naoya might’ve gone a bit over the top…”

“It’s only necessary.” Naoya interjects. “No one outside of the necessary people will disturb you, everything you need will be tended for, and you’ll also be in presence of your friends and family.”

“Friends…?” You repeat slowly, because at that point you only expected your family to be there, not your trusted staff, who were grinning at the prospect of accompanying you during one of the most important stages of your life! “Oh my god, you’re here!”

“What, thought you’d get rid of us just because you’re having a baby??” Haruko grins.

“I’m offended by how poorly you think of us.” Hitomi teases.

“I—I didn’t expect you guys to be here! I thought you’d be busy or—or something!” You chuckle. “I’m speechless!”

“Don’t be too speechless, we still have to make the most of the city before you’re admitted into the hospital! I personally have never been to Tokyo, so I’m planning on taking all the tours.” Mariya enthusiastically suggests.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, did you forget my wife is very much pregnant?” Naoya frowns, she laughs.

“We’re just joking, Naoya—what kind of godmother would I be if I didn’t care for her?”

And in this precise moment, you genuinely believed it couldn’t get any better than this. Surrounded by the people you loved; nothing could ruin this!

Unless your contractions were to begin a bit earlier than anticipated, followed by a numbing, stinging pain that made you freeze on your track, drop everything on the spot to tightly hold onto your stomach; a feeble attempt to stop whatever it was that had you such mortifying state… rushed to the hospital when blood soaked your garments, your and Naoya’s worst nightmare abruptly becoming real.

Without time to waste, you’re quickly checked into your designated room to be urgently attended by the doctor of his choosing, the supposedly best there is in all of Tokyo—no, Japan—who alongside his entourage began to urgently prepare everything for your procedure, for your symptoms were not expected neither wanted in a pregnancy.

But if that wasn’t anxious enough for your husband, your screams of gut-wrenching pain that only worsened as time went on were enough, were enough to get him spiraling.

“Help her!” Naoya demands, more than ready to rattle the doctor into action if needed.

“We can’t let you in if you’re going to disrupt the patient.” The doctor warns, further fueling your husband’s desperation. He’s just a mere second away from losing himself, just one more word and he’ll—

“Naoya, please, calm down—” Thankfully, your father was there to put a stop to his anger, a genuine sympathetic approach for he’s gone through his fair share of pregnancies—things like these don’t scare him that much, but they still worry him.

How could it not? The probability of losing his daughter, the youngest, his first grandchild too…! And just after loosing his wife as well…

It’s a pain he would never wish upon anyone. Certainly not on his distraught son-in-law….

So, what good is it to hire the best, if they’re not going to do their job?!

Naoya freezes upon hearing another heart-wrenching scream come out of you, heart dropping to his stomach as he hears you demand them to get the baby out, stop your suffering and just—help you!

He doesn’t want to hear more of this, he doesn’t want to see nor hear you suffering so, but he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know how to act nor what to say that could get you out of this awful predicament and back into safety, into the world where you and his child were ok and all this was nothing but an awful nightmare!

But the same moment he was debating what to do, your father already made his decision, walking past him and straight into your room, firmly determined to support his daughter through whatever destiny fate instilled on you—even if it meant death.

A sight that soon snapped Naoya out of his struggle, feeling like an absolute idiot for even hesitating! He’s been through life-or-death situations before, why is he suddenly cowering now, pitying himself?! When you need him the most?!

What poor excuse of a husband he was being; a despicable father compared to yours.

Once snapping out of his dark thought and gathering all of his courage, he steps into your room, heading straight to your side, opposite of your father and takes your hand, letting you hold it as tight as you needed—whatever the sacrifice he had to make to ensure your safety, he’d willingly oblige.

“Nao—Naoya—” you breathed, looking up to him. “It—It hurts!”

“She’s losing too much blood.” A nurse would note. “She’s still not dilated enough.”

“My baby—I don’t want my baby to die” you fret.

“She won’t.” Naoya reassures. “She won’t die, I swear—”

“We’ll have to induce her labor to help her dilate, and if that doesn’t work, then a c-section will have to do.” The doctor explains, hoping to get his permission.

“Anything.” Your husband pleads. “Anything to save my wife, my family, please!”

Because he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he loses you. Life would cease to matter at that point.

But thankfully his prayers were to be heard, and with the quick, highly prepared skills of medical staff, were you freed of all complications, ensuring not only your safety, but that of the baby as well, perfect just as the two envisioned her to be.

“Naoya, our baby.” You’d breathe, face lightening up when the nurse finally placed the small, chubby bundle you’ve been waiting to hold for 9 long months in your arms, holding her softly against your skin as you gushed. “Our baby is—”

“She’s a girl.” The doctor says. “A healthy girl.”

“A girl.” You cry, tears of happiness dampening your cheeks, struggling to believe what was before your eyes. “Naoya, we had a beautiful baby girl!”

There are no words to describe what Naoya feels at this very moment: to the sight of you lovingly holding onto your baby, the highest demonstration of love between the two, after so much suffering.

Though he could start with love at first sight, something he already believed existed, but when his eyes laid on his beautiful baby girl, he was completely sure of it now.

“She has your hair.” You comment on the small patch of black hair on the top of her head.

“And your nose.” He responds, gently poking it.

“Ha! How can you even know so? It looks like a regular nose to me.” You giggle—only to gasp a few seconds after being given the breathtaking sight of your baby slowly opening her eyes for the first time, a revelation that made your heart flutter. “Naoya—she… she has your eyes! Oh, my love, she looks just like you…”

Deep within him, Naoya always hoped the baby would look like you—with your big round eyes, your silky, soft hair, and adorable cheeks he always loved to tease. He thought she’d looked far better with your features than his own anyways, and wished would be that way.

But there was something about seeing you gush about her likeness that struck his heart with adoration, feeling appreciated and fiercely protective of the precious, tiny baby in your arms.

“I don’t mean to interrupt, but I need to know the name of the baby before continuing” Another nurse said, and a wide smile spreads across your lips as you gently poke her cheek, already imagining the agony her father would put her through.

“Naomi.” You say, eyes intently focused on your daughter. “Zen’in Naomi.”

Named after her father, perhaps the only tradition you kept from the Zen’in, because there was nothing else you wanted more than for the world to know of the man that has made you so happy, the love of your life, either through your affection, or Naomi, your new family.

“A granddaughter, I have a granddaughter!!” Your father would proclaim, tears in his eyes as he accepts the baby from your arms, who was now wrapped in a soft pink blanket he got as a gift, with you proudly smiling at his excitement. “Oh, she’s beautiful Y/N!”

“Welcome to the family, little one!” Hinata grins, eager to take her niece into her arms as well, but patient enough to not do so until her turn. “You don’t know how happy we are to finally have you here!”

“Can’t wait to see you grow up and give your parents a run for their money.” Ren teases, you pout.

“My baby is going to be a nice, well-behaved girl.” You respond. “Unlike you guys…”

“Though she will be spoiled.” Naoya promises.

“Well, it can’t be spoiled if it’s what she deserves, right?” you say, he nods along. Your family fears the lengths you’d both go to do so; you and Naoya are already ruthless as it is…

But even then, they genuinely knew they had nothing to worry about—for as long as they were around, nothing bad would befall little Naomi.

As expected, the exhaustion of the past few hours finally caught up to you, at first making you yawn before your eyelids began to grow heavier and heavier; a sight that didn’t go unnoticed for too long, your father gathering everyone around for their departure.

“We’ll be outside if you need us.” Eiichi promises, carefully handing Naomi back to Naoya. “Rest, pumpkin, you deserve it.”

“Thanks, dad…” you yawn. “I feel like I could sleep for years.”

Eiichi chuckles, leaning forward to place a kiss on your forehead before moving onto Naoya, patting his shoulder.

“Congratulations, Naoya. You’ll be a great father.”

Naoya smiles, warmed by the words his father wasn’t there to give him, gladly accepting them in his heart as they promptly make their exit. Once alone, your husband places Naomi into the crib nearby, placing a kiss on her head and eventually making his way to you, to give you a kiss as well.

“You did amazingly, my love.” But as much as you wished to enjoy this moment, the agony of past experiences swiftly makes way to your mind.

“…I was scared, Naoya. So, so afraid that something would happen to me, or worse, our baby.” You tremble.

“I know, I know.” He coos, softly removing some unruly hair strands from your face as tears begin to pool in his eyes. “But it’s over, all that is gone—we have Naomi now.”

“I was afraid of leaving you behind.” You continue. “I… I didn’t want you to face all this by yourself. The thought of you having no one to rely on frightens me like you have no idea. At one point I thought I wouldn’t be able to see you—”

“That was my worst fear too. I loathed even thinking about the possibility of returning home without you.” The moment you notice the tears forming in his eyes, you quickly reach out for him—to the best of your ability anyways, much to his worry. “No, Y/N, you have to rest—”

“Thank you for being by my side.” You murmur, hugging him tightly. He returns the gesture soon after. “I’m so glad to have found someone like you, to be my husband, and now father of my daughter.”

“…What did I do to deserve you?”

“Well, you gave me an adorable baby girl, as of recent!” you sniffle through a giggle, making Naoya chuckle. “From there, all that I ever wanted, really. From food, clothes, even holidays…”

Naoya blushes, proud of his consistent commitment to you and the happiness it provided you. And yet, that was not to be the end of his fluster—not without your following words.

“But most importantly, your love.” You smile. “If anything, I should be wondering what I’ve done to deserve you…”

“Your mere existence is justifying enough for me.” He responds quickly, another tear sliding down his cheek, which you swipe soon after. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You kiss him. “And our new family.”

…

…

…

“I know some mothers feel the desire to have another child as soon as their baby is born, but after what happened, I think it’s best for now if we hold off that idea for a while. Don’t you agree?” You suddenly say.

“Yeah, couldn’t have said it any better. Though something tells me Naomi is going to be quite the handful to begin with…”

“Considering she looks just like you, I’d say you’re right.” you laugh, he rolls his eyes before kissing you once more.

[aihoshiino]

i wonder how different the story would have gone if, instead of sending ryosuke, kamiki would have visited ai on his own.

the part of me that needs them to be happy says that while he isn't necessarily enamored with the twins at first, he still tries to his best with them. maybe they think he's their new babysitter at first, that'd be funny.

anyways, kamiki awkwardly co-parenting with ai and both of them fumbling through being exes and parents and still caring so deeply for eachother but also being too traumatized to properly communicate.

aqua and ruby are first hostile when they realize that this is the man that got ai pregante™, and then they become the twos biggest shippers. cue incredibly convoluted attempts to get them together again. (i feel that it is important to point out that they're still toddlers at that time, which would make this extra funny)

So the thing about HKAI and the mess that was their relationship is that Hikaru sending Ryosuke in his place is ultimately a symptom, not a cause. It is a consequence of his arrested development in regards to Ai and his inability to conceive of a world where the two of them exist separate of their relationship. To a degree, asking 'could Hikaru and Ai be happy if he didn't send Ryosuke' is kind of asking for Hikaru to be a different character, because at the place he's at at the moment he makes that decision, he can't not make that choice. I've described Ai's tragedy in the past as being simultaneously preventable and unavoidable and the same goes for Hikaru. It's like a fucked up reverse Oroborous - in order to create the conditions for him to be a happier and healthier person, he must already have started taking the steps towards becoming that person - or at least to be further down the road than he is at the equivalent point in canon.

Even if we remove Ryosuke from the picture, I can't really imagine things going that well. I kind of touched on it in a previous ask but even the one-sided conversation we hear that seals Ai's fate raises a lot of red flags for me. He leaps to assuming that Ai is trying to get back together with him and when gently turned down romantically but still offered an opening back into her life as the father of her children, he chooses to betray her trust and send someone to terrorize and potentially hurt Ai and their children so she could 'feel his despair'. Even if we believe his insistence that he really didn't think Ryosuke would kill her, this is still an utterly reprehensible thing to do. It implies a level of not just desire but outright entitlement - that he feels he has the right to 'punish' Ai for… what? Not wanting to rush back into a relationship with him after like, five years of minimal-to-no contact? When he's gone right ahead and proved that the issues that caused their breakup have not been resolved?

Obviously, this is not to say that Hikaru doesn't sincerely love Ai with all his heart or that he doesn't care for her at all. I actually think that contradiction between his clearly observable feelings for her and the actions he nevertheless chooses to take is really fascinating in what it adds to him as a character. A big part of the reason why Hikaru's so fucked up is because he's so deeply in love with Ai and so utterly unable to cultivate a nuanced or healthy relationship with his idea of her.

So… I guess if I'm honest, my vision of it is more Hikaru using visiting the twins as a way of leveraging his way back into Ai's life, successfully or otherwise. I don't really see a scenario where Hikaru is able to work out his shit and become a decent father or partner for Ai, just because too many of his issues are tangled up in this longed-for codependence with her. Maybe this older and wiser Ai could find a way to save him like she wished for, but… is it really fair to put that weight on her shoulders? Why should she, a person with her own desperate struggles and lack of support, go right back to performing the backbreaking emotional labor that contributed to that all-consuming codependence in the first place?

To be clear, I'm saying this as a proud HikaAi shipper who loves a fucked up life-warping codependent romance, but in the context of Oshi no Ko and when we're talking about what would actually make these characters happy, I think Hikaru and Ai, at the place they are at the time of the tragedy, are not in a position to make each other truly fulfilled and happy.

askslmdslkdlsmdsl i'm so sorry anon you sent me such a cute prompt and got this utterly harrowing essay in response 😭 I'M SORRY THAT'S JUST HOW IT CAME OUT

[clavissionary-position]

What Emma Would Do

Ignore me. This is just me working through my own thoughts and feelings on this. Also I'm an idiot.

***BIG EDIT: I misread and misinterpreted. Azel was nearly drugged and SA'd, so his reaction, however cruel, makes complete sense to me. If he was real I couldn't apologize to him enough.

Moving @/caffedrine's billion-dollar comments up here.

My original, misguided post is below the cut if you're interested.

I have to ask myself what Emma would do. Within reason. And only within the scope of this fictional game, because I'm not about to touch this topic as it exists in the real world. That's for people much smarter than me.

But for the game, my dismissing of Azel as a cruel misogynist without seeing his circumstances and worldview shuts down the conversation the same way it does when Azel dismisses a woman as a slut without seeing her circumstances and worldview.

(Did he actually use the word 'slut' or did google just translate 痴女 like that for me... I should double-check... edit: oh my bad, he calls her a "female molester", which... I can't say he's wrong considering she tried to give him an aphrodisiac...? The word also means "stupid woman", so he could very well have meant it that way too, especially for some reasons I get into later in the post.)

Soooo, he didn't actually call her a slut. I'm an idiot 😌 I'm sorry, Azel. Dunno if any of my points below mean anything, but I'll leave it here anyway:

The running theme in Ikepri is to look beyond the beast and see the human inside. To meet them halfway. To see their heart. And that heart is always so very terribly scarred. All these guys have gone through their own traumas and come out the other end behaving in ways designed to be armor, to protect themselves from any further pain.

I can only speculate about Azel this early in his story arc, but being showered with the same adoration and reverence that people only show a god, day in and day out, probably fucks with your mentality a bit if you are still only human at the end of the day. Having women try to seduce you only because you're The Living God, well, we saw what that kind of shallow treatment did to Silvio. Women see you as an object and so women become objects to you. You want to be loved, but you don't want to be hurt.

That might only be scratching the surface with Azel, though. He's also clearly jaded from listening to the same old interpersonal problems people have when in relationships. Love is actual trash to him, not even worth a single penny. It's trash because the very people who follow him prove it to him on a daily basis, I imagine.

Yet that's still not the full picture. I mean, we obviously won't have the full picture until his main route drops, but there's another key factor to consider with Azel.

He quotes Pascal in Licht's sequel. "Man is only a reed, the weakest thing in nature; but he is a thinking reed." The full quote goes onto say:

"All our dignity consists, then, in thought. This is the basis on which we must raise ourselves, and not space and time, which we would not know how to fill. Let us make it our task, then, to think well: here is the principle of morality.”

(Did I read the entire context of the quote? HA! What do you take me for? A scholar or something?)

Free will and independent thought is arguably the most important thing to Azel. He has no respect for the sheep who flock to him for direction (though he'll happily take their money and tributes). Even with the dancer who tried to seduce him in the prologue, when he tells her to lick up the food she dropped after he tripped her, he presents it as a choice. Nevermind that the staggeringly unequal power dynamics at play made it so this was nothing short of coercion in the end; there was no way the dancer was in a position to stand up for herself and say no, even if that's exactly what Azel wanted. But from his perspective, defiance would have been welcome. That's why he phrased it as a choice. That she started licking up the food only solidified in Azel's mind that this woman is an unthinking reed without dignity. If you're going to act like trash, he'll treat you like trash... maybe that was part of his thinking.

On a slightly different note, I think another reason he hates the idea of love so much is because love makes people lose their ability to reason, to think. I believe he outright says as much, iirc.

In the end, I don't know from where exactly Azel's fury and cruelty comes from. It could be all of these things, it might be something else entirely. All I can think is, you can't be 'God' everyday and not be scarred by humans.

In conclusion, I can't excuse Azel's behavior. I don't excuse it. But I think Emma would try to understand the why of it, like she does in any other route. The other running theme in Ikepri is that, as a certain someone would put it, the essence of all people is love. It's their environment that twists them. Somewhere in Azel is the purest kind of love. A kind that would make any god look away in shame. That's what I want to believe in, anyhow.

Also, I need stress that I was SO wrong about whether he actually called the dancer a slut or not. Google fucked me over by translating it that way! Ah, Azel, I'm so sorry!

[allthefakepeople]

wait ok ok

everybody come with me on this

i don’t have the physical evidence of this BUT i noticed something about certain simon/wilmon scenes this season that added a different meaning regarding costuming (also i have no idea if someone else has already noticed/mentioned this, but if you have i am sorry)

i wish i could provide the evidence but for now you’ll just have to trust me and go back and rewatch s2 hahah and it’ll probably get a bit long so i’m sorry about that

as we know, the costume department had simon wearing purple in scenes where simon’s feelings for wille were growing, while orange kind of represented when they felt further away but but but

there were multiple scenes this season where simon was wearing orange OVER something purple (and there were a few scenes where he was noticeably wearing purple) which was super interesting for me

the most notable one was when simon goes to marcus’ to hook up with him that first time. he’s wearing orange but you can see a hint of a purple shirt under it which could represent how even though simon is trying to move on with marcus (the orange) his love for wille will always be an undercurrent in their relationship/scenes together (the purple)

another one i can think of is when first assigned they’re book and wille is talking to simon about marcus and simon admits that they’re hanging out but not together. yet again he’s wearing a hint of purple underneath something orange which hints at the fact that he’s feeling conflicted because he still loves wille but he feels super far away from him

another scene is when wille is thought to be leaving hillerska. the scene where they come to take wille, simon is wearing a purple shirt over his yellow/orange one

follow this scene by when he goes to train with rosh, where he’s wearing the Purple Hoodie™️ for the first time all season and he literally says to rosh “i don’t know why i can’t fall in love with [marcus]”. the purple hoodie being a focal point in this scene is almost declaring the reason why he can’t fall in love with marcus is his love for wille

another important Purple Hoodie™️ moment this season (let it be known that i’m pretty sure he only wears that hoodie like 2 times this season) was during the iconic book project scene where they’re essentially confessing to each other through it.

ALSO the fact that maroon is shade of purple and simon was wearing his school uniform (which is kind of a redish purple) when him and wille kiss for the first time

i’m sure there’s more scenes but these were just the initial ones i noticed on my rewatch (if someone wants to somehow provide the evidence that would be so wonderful but i promise i’m not going insane) 

ANYWAYS this post was just thought up to prove that despite how fractured and far away wilmon seemed at some points throughout this season, simon was still feeling that love for wille throughout even if it wasn’t outwardly showing at times

thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[spiltstrawberrymilk]

Two (Sleep token EP) ft my shitty takes

Hi, I listen to this album too much and idfk i need my thoughts to be KNOWN. Do i need tw?? maybe uhh tw// murder, cannibalism, cults, and ritual shit

Calcutta:  Cool yippie! Opening track, to be honest not my fav. However it sets up what I think is the story for this whole goddamn album. To me Vessel is singing about his obsession. Someone (a lady friend) who he has a deep connection with (at least in his mind they do) “I sweat and I ache for Your eyes and the way you breathe. And I wake, saying your name.” He sounds like he's talking about going through withdrawals from her. As if even the simple task of sleeping drives him insane because he's not with her. “Time lived again for just a moment. Missing pieces find me, And I'm whole again” I think this just means he's living for the memory of her because she's gone. Maybe because he killed her (you'll see why that's an option later) or because she left. Who knows, I'm not a British man. ANYWAYS MOVING ON TO THE BEST SONG

Nazareth: “And I'll see you when the wrath comes Knocking on your bedroom door with money” As an opening line im screaming its so fucking good. I have nothing to add other than that uhm. “Dripping from the open mouth, I'll show you. What you look like, from the inside'' sounds to me like he's going to eat her. (Spoilers he does.) Since this band's theme is around that of a cult it's not too far off to think that maybe this was a ritual of some sort. Some way to rid himself of his obsession that was seemingly consuming his every waking moment. “Let's load the gun. Make her eat the tape in the bathroom mirror. See if she can guess what A hollow point does to a naked body. Let's fuck her up. Manifest pain at the core of pleasure.”  this whole line is on repeat in my mind 24/7, so good. It also just further goes to prove my idea she was in fact murdered in some sort of ritualistic matter. Gotta love cults /j. If you don't know a hollow point is meant to be lethal. These bullets create giant holes and have more fragments then other types would. Think of a shotgun bullet but inside your body (gross i know). As the song ends ,going into the instrumental portion, we get this repeated line of “Oh, let's load the gun (I won't be missing you)” Saying that he will no longer miss her and he is getting ready to shoot. Ugh it gives me chills.

Jericho: Last but not least Jericho. As an ending track it's so good at wrapping up this EP. This is just the wrap up of the ritual. It's the ending, all the feelings and finally the cleansing of Vessel. We open with “Tread, ancient water salt, Like I, Sink, down like precious stones' ' I don't think i need to explain he's just bathing himself in water, referring to himself as an expensive and valued item, maybe because he is the profit of sleep.  Moving on we get to the most important part that I think confirms everything I'm thinking about is the repeated lines of “You taste like new flesh” he deff at this girl as part of the ritual. Maybe he was proving himself worthy to be a sleeping vessel (get it his name's vessel and.. Ok i'll move on) “There's something in the way you lay. Enough to make the dead switch graves. You take your leave”  reference to how she's laying, still looking beautiful even though she’s dead. Her leave being her going into the afterlife. He can't help but admire her even though she's no longer there. “My hands are not worthy (until I wake up, dine on old encounters)” ah the end. I think this is him fully realizing that she's dead. She is now gone from the earthly plane of existence. Now he is going to sleep to meet the god.. Sleep. He is going to “dine on old encounters” remembering their times together and the love he felt for her. 

hope you enjoyed, if you made it this far im always happy to discuss sleep token 

[mareenavee]

for the fanfic asks, 1, 3 and 15!

Hello! :D Thank you so much for asking these. I particularly love this set of questions.

The ask game is just here.

Fanfic asks for my fic, The World on Our Shoulders!

Without further ado, onward to the answers! :D

1. What inspired you to write/update this work?

I did talk about the origin of my fic a little bit here. What inspired me to update it? Well. I could talk about the ground-up edit.

I had been writing this as sort of a challenge mode back in February, getting the draft down on paper and posting every day just to prove to myself that I could. By the time the challenge ended, I had over 100k words, which was more than my goal (it was more or less a NaNoWriMo challenge I made for myself) and I was able to go back, read it with fresh eyes, and realize pieces that weren't hitting the way I wanted them to. So I decided to go back in and edit iirc somewhere before April. I had something like 52 chapters posted by then lol. So it was a big undertaking. I had plot threads I'd dropped, I had characters whose voices weren't coming through in the way that I hoped. There'd been some waffling about phrasing and word choices and scenes that just felt rushed.

This time, though, instead of simply just feeling awful about my work I decided it could do with some love. So I took the time to start revisions and didn't post anything until I had a big chunk of the story ready to be proofread and edited more ahead of a posting schedule. I've been adding in an extra chapter update or two here or there on certain weeks. But anyway, the inspiration behind updating this is because I want it to be the kind of story I wanted to read, but could not find, even in its first iteration. (: All I can do is hope I'm doing it justice.

3. If this work is an update/new chapter, how do you stay motivated on multi-chapter works? 

I am motivated to keep updating this thing because the story is living rent free in my head, and what else am I going to do but write it if it's allowed to clatter around in there anyway? (: LOL But no, seriously, I'm invested in the characters at this point. It's a personal challenge besides that, which I was going over here and here. I just wanna write a fun story besides all that. I figured, what is the most dramatic thing that can happen to an NPC who discovers they're the dragonborn? WELL. After a series of bad decisions on her part, we have the prologue of World lol. It's more than that, of course, but still. (:

15. What is one question you wish someone would ask you about this work? Ask it and answer it.

OH another one of these, my poor brain LOL. Okay. Here goes nothing! (Thank you, btw. I love having to really think about my work like this!)

Are there alternate ways this story could have gone? Do you have plans to make what-if sort of stories for this series?

I've been wanting to write a series of shortfics or one shots that go over alternate events counter to what happens in World, really, because I think it's important for writing practice and for reaffirming that, while the alternate story is fun and good to think about, you're on the right path with how you've been going in your project (:

Some of the questions I ask myself are:

"What would have happened if Nyenna and Eris actually made it to Solstheim as intended?"

"What if she stayed with Hadvar and went straight to Solitude?"

"What if Nyenna rejected Athis?"

"What if she never learned magic?"

"What if she wasn't the Last Dragonborn? Who would be?"

Among so, so many others. All of them would have affected her character arc in some significant way. Most of them would still have her being pulled into her destiny, though, except that last one. Most of them would have her missing out on trusting herself to get stronger, especially the first one. Some of them would shift the whole setting of the story to a different part of Skyrim altogether, and a setting shift has the ability to change the tone of the whole story, if you think about it.

I want to take a minute to answer those what-ifs briefly.

1: She'd have never been guided to reconnect with her power. Teldryn probably would have seen her just as another traveler, not as a patron. He might have left for Skyrim without her the following morning. She'd have to be saved from a dragon, likely, instead of do the saving or escaping on her own, before the whole soul absorption thing happens.

2: She'd have joined the Legion, likely, convinced she could be anything she put her mind to. She'd be a good soldier, and of course would stand and fight a random dragon with Hadvar in the battalion at her side. She'd discover her powers and then Tullius would, sensing an opportunity, use her in his plans to end the war as quickly as possible. If either of them survived to the end of either quest, she'd probably hire Hadvar as her housecarl. Or maybe marry him instead.

3: Athis is quite smitten with Nyenna at the beginning of their story. If Nyenna wasn't so rash and grabby-hands about that kind of attention, she'd probably have been nice enough to him, but would have focused on recovery first and then moving on toward Solstheim as was her original intention. I like the idea that she'd discover she's Dragonborn on Solstheim rather than at the watchtower, though... it'd be interesting considering she'd not have trained at all in this situation, too.

4: If all went exactly as the fic was going, but she never learned Flames to begin with, she'd not have known she had a bit of an unusual aptitude for magic. It would affect how she'd fight. She'd probably still focus on archery, I'd assume, but also would need to have an even better handle on fighting with weapons that actually have weight to them. I feel like she'd fit the image the Nords have of the LDB a little better. Also, without healing magic, Athis probably would have died at a certain point. Twice she'd been there to staunch the bleeding and close wounds when others couldn't or didn't. So that would have complicated things.

5: If Nyenna wasn't the Dragonborn but everything went exactly as the fic is going, I'd have given that to Athis, I think. He wishes more than once over the course of the story that he could have been chosen, mostly regretting being unable to take the burden off of her. If that was the case, I wonder how Nyenna would have reacted to being the wife of the Dragonborn. I feel like Athis would have prioritized her anyway, even in the wake of the quest. I don't know if Nyenna would have stayed home per se. She'd probably have still been training and retrieving artifacts. She'd probably have gone with Athis on some pieces of the quest, too, because he wouldn't have thought HE was the one causing the chaos and danger as Nyenna believes in World.

So yes. Alternate what-if fics :D If I were to write a one shot of any of these, would you guys like to see a specific one? Feel free to comment or send me asks and I can also write fragments out, maybe, of certain changed scenes as writing practice. <3

[penname-artist]

Some thoughts! (By the way yes I know it's like, 1:30 AM but also I think I maybe finally found the culprit of the weird night sounds, and it literally might be several things so I'm ruling out some easy stuff first. Fingers crossed!)

So...I try not to talk about things like my exact traumas anymore, for a very good reason. A very long long list of specific hard lessons learned kind of reason. Anyways, for that reason I'm not saying anything about The Trauma, but rather talking around it, because today/tonight something very very interesting happened. And I really just thought some people may need to hear this.

I was speaking with a friend tonight, and we go way back. Waaay back. They were a very important part of my life while I went through one very old and very buried situation. And, that situation resurfaced in conversation today. For the first time in a good while. It has been a bit, let me tell you, I truly have not thought about it or spoken about it that intensely in years.

And two things happened in response to that discussion. The first is that I proved to myself that the situation itself is beyond me. They offered if I wanted to see where they were now in a ways, a sort of closure if you will. I declined. Though I am beyond certain that a younger me would have jumped on the chance to know, the me now knows that I don't need it, and I never will. I made my own closure over that aspect of my life, and it does not need someone else to confirm it.

The second thing I did was cry.

Because I do still care. And it does still hurt. And I do still wish that this one old part of my life hadn't had to end in the ways that it all did. Really, if I had known then what I know today, it probably never would have happened. But the past is the past; I picked up what pieces I had left, and I rebuilt the rest from the ground up. I did that, that was all me. And that's the thing I think more people should get to hear.

Trauma does not make you stronger.

You do.

It's not about what happens to you, it is about what you choose to do after that. The moves you make. Trauma is coming to get us no matter what, and we don't know what's gonna hit us where. The thing that counts the most is how we choose to take it, are we going to let it turn us into monsters or are we going to pick it up and acknowledge it and better ourselves?

And yes, that goes for trauma that you caused yourself. That goes for things in your past that you sure as all hell are not fucking proud of. Acknowledging that you're not proud of it is half the battle, and the other half is changing and moving on. People can teach you how to forgive yourself, but you still have to do it.

And I finally realized that I did. I did that. Or, more specifically I didn't; I didn't break my promise anymore, and I didn't lean back onto my unhealthy habits. I stopped ingesting the poison myself and expecting the other person to drop dead. I took stock of myself, I cut out and grew in new parts of me that I never had before, or could never get better while keeping on me. That wasn't something I was "just taught", I had to learn that shit myself, and I went to the school of hard knocks to do it.

And I'm still growing, certainly. There's more to trim and more to cater to, things a wiser version of me even further down the line will be cringing about from today. But I know I've grown from the place I came from. I know I've changed. And I know I don't need someone else's validation to say that, because I can see that change myself, in myself, of myself, for myself. It's written out across eight books for me to gawk at and go

"wow I really used to say that?"

(insert your old man McQueen joke here)

So yeah. Just some bittersweet thoughts tonight. Missing things a little and feeling sad about it, yes, but also I'm...happy. I'm satisfied. It hurts, but it's over. And it was so important. It was so important. Without the steps that I took to becoming what I am, from that, I never would have met the people I know now. Never would have made the server I've got, never would have even tried. I've come a very long ways in just a few short years. But, that's just my story. :)

[wickedsrest-rp-archive]

Town Hall | Group Thread

TIMING: Current PARTIES: Like half the town!  SUMMARY: The town hall meeting goes about as well as you’d expect—everyone is upset and talking over one another until Leah drops the bomb that some people are going to have to stay behind to stop the damage before it spreads outside of White Crest. A few ideas on how to figure out how to stop the destruction of the town are thrown around, and Lil volunteers to make contact with some old, dead townies and see if they have any ideas.

—

Rarely was the town hall filled with such life, despite the thick atmosphere of dread from those within. Even those in White Crest who chronically looked the other way knew something was seriously wrong. They didn’t know what or how, but when all the town’s leadership had to say about things was “ayuh, this is real bad,” it seemed appropriate to panic. As the gathering crowd reached critical mass, a collection of friendly faces and those who rarely tread from their homes, many called out. “Who called this thing?” “Are these The Horrors? Are they back?” “A 20 foot lion ate my son and then flew into the sky”. Maybe there was no one who could truly appease such a fearful crowd, but for now, everyone only needed to listen.

 Now was a bad time for Rio to remember how much he hated crowds. But he kept reminding himself that despite that, he had been one of the first people to ask for a town hall in the first place. It only made sense that he toughened up and threw himself to the wolves. Metaphorically, hopefully. As the group became more restless, Rio figured he needed to say something. He stood up, ignoring his shaking limbs and scratchy throat. He cleared it quickly, unintentionally doing the track of grabbing everybody’s attention. No going back now. “Uh hey everyone. I was one of the people that asked to gather everyone for a town hall. If uh- well anyone that knows me knows that I really don’t like public speaking, but this felt important.” He paused, scratching at his neck as he tried to figure out exactly how to describe the trip to the future he had gone to. “I think something really bad is going to happen to this town in the next two months. I don’t really know what. But I do know there’s been weird stuff going on for a while now. And me and a few other people ended up seeing this town in the future. Or what was left of it. Which wasn’t much.”

 “Is this a Y2K thing? ‘Cause we all know how that ended up.” It was a bunch of mierda that Metzli had experienced. Everyone caused chaos from their paranoia and they were watching White Crest do the same. If people weren’t careful, the mass hysteria could prove to be dangerous, especially in a town filled with supernatural beings. “I’m not trying to be an ass, but we gotta be logical here. Stuff happens all the time here and it always settles.” Their eyes softened at Aylin, and they hoped they didn’t raise her anxiety further. “We just don’t wanna jump the gun.” 

 Aylin made her way over to where Rio was standing, tapping her fingers against her thighs. “Thanks - I - I appreciate you doing this. Apparently not supposed to say thanks but still, thanks.” She handed him a small piece of candy - one of the many sour ones she had on her person. “I also asked about a way to let people know about some stuff that I’ve found out. I - well, myself and some other individuals got a quite literal ‘blast to the past’ - as in, we’ve seen the past of this town and history is - uh, well, repeating.” Her gaze found Metzli and she offered them a small smile.

 This whole town hall thing felt stupid and like a waste of time to Kaden. What the hell could most of the people in this town really do anyway? And would they even believe what was happening? He was pretty sure he should be shutting this down if he were adhering to his hunter duties. Not that he was great about adhering to any of those as it were. But if flannel kid was running it, he’d show up. He believed it had to be extremely fucked if Rio was running this shit. His brows furrowed at his words. “Future? And how bad is bad, kid?”

“I was born after Y2K” Rio replied shortly, but turned back to the person once he realized that his anxiety of the whole situation was going to hold him back here, “I mean I know what Y2K was though. And trust me, I hope I’m wrong. But I don’t think I am” Some dude no older than him called him kid like Kaden did, grabbing his attention immediately. “Really bad. Like a desert where the Common was supposed to be.”

 Emilio was restless. He sat in one of the chairs that had been spread across the room, his foot tapping against the floor as he listened to Rio’s opening speech, grimacing with each new piece of information that was added. The future. It was a hard thing to argue with, wasn’t it? Especially when Aylin added in her experience in the past. It was undeniable that something was happening; the town had been ‘unsettled’ for months now, in a way that was far more intense than usual. What was happening still seemed up in the air. “If what you’re saw is real,” he said, “what are we going to do about it? Can’t fight something this vague.” 

 “So what, we’re fightin’ climate change then, izzat it?” Rhett complained from the back of the room, arms folded across his chest. 

 Metzli smiled back and gave a small wave, eyebrow raising at the bearded man bringing up climate change. They relented, raising their arm and pocketing their hand to stand back as they scanned the room. Some faces were familiar, some not. All in all though, it looked like everyone was ready to listen. 

 Lil wasn’t one for crowds of people, well at least living people. Still, as it seemed like the town was going up into flames, she figured she should at least come in and see what was happening, arms folded in front of her as she tried to blend into the back of the room. Her normal smile and easy glint in her eyes had become more solemn as of late as she listened to the kid in front of them trying to call the town hall together. She thought of a million things to say, but for a moment she couldn’t seem to get any of it out instead just sighing slightly. “ Don’t think we’d all be here if things were going well now would we?” Her voice more quiet, concerned than she normally lets on. 

 Rio’s nerves were almost palpable.  Leah put a comforting hand on his shoulder, squeezing tightly with reassurance.  She knew what he was feeling, and she hated public speaking just as much.  But White Crest and its residents were some of the most important things to Leah, so she sheepishly looked to those around her as she addressed them as well.  “I don’t think panicking is going to do us any good.  We’ve all seen White Crest through some of its worst times, right? It’s quite possible that this will work itself out in the end, like the town always does.  But it's important for everyone to know exactly what we saw, and it seems like there’s a cycle of things just… ending in White Crest.  And the things that have been happening around town lately usually precede it.”

 This whole thing was… weird. Cass shifted where she stood, glancing around the room. There were people here she recognized, and people here she didn’t. They all looked a little scared, which made her feel a little better about feeling a little scared. There was some comfort, at least, in the people she did know being here. She offered Aylin a reassuring smile in hopes of easing some of her anxiety, flashing Rio a quick thumbs up to do the same. “Has anyone ever stopped it before? Do we know that?”

 “We don’t know if anyone’s ever stopped it before.” Aylin paused, “but I don’t think so. I mean, maybe, but we didn’t find anything that said this.” She bit her lip, offering a smile to Cass. “But that’s why we wanted to get all of you here, because maybe someone here can help! Doğru? Belki?” Right? Maybe? 

 Aavyan didn’t want to be here. In fact, a town hall meeting about the damned apocalypse didn’t even rank among the top 100 places he’d like to be. He slunk in, and stood against the back wall, eyes darting nervously among the crowd. There were some faces he recognized (some he wished he didn’t), but their presences did nothing to ease the anxiety that kept the hair at the back of his neck standing on end. “If no one’s ever stopped it before, what makes anyone here think we can do anything?” he asked, voice strained. “Shit–er, stuff, has gotten out of hand. I’m not feeling very confident in our chances with what I’m hearing thus far.”

 Leah piping up was a cause for concern, causing Metzli’s eyes to widen and their anxiety to raise. The situation was definitely serious and they immediately started packing in their mind. When Cass spoke, they perked up minutely and quietly shuffled their way through the mass of people. Placing a careful hand on her shoulder, they smiled and looked back up to listen intently. 

 It was almost like no one in the room recognized him. Not even Rio. Was there something on his fa– Oh. Right. He was still a damn teenager. “Putain de merde,” Kaden grumbled to himself. “Ending? As in…” His brow knit together as he concentrated on the thought. “But the town’s still here. What happened before anyway?”

 The optimism in Aylin’s voice was somehow both laughable and admirable. Emilio doubted anyone in this room would have any answers; most people old enough to remember the previous occurrences of things like this probably got the hell out of dodge the moment history started repeating itself. “And if no one can? We should plan for the worst case scenario here.” That was probably going to be the most likely end result.

 “Ain’t the thing about all them time travel movies is that, like… y’can’t change the future?” Rhett seemed incredulous at best regarding the conversation at hand, throwing an unimpressed glance at the few faces he knew. “Sounds like might be best to just rattle our dags n’ get the hell on outta here.”

 Crow stood behind Rio keeping an eye on the crowd and taking in the words. He was a little inclined to agree with Rhett that leaving would be easier than staying and fighting an unknown factor but he wasn’t about to abandon the town if others were staying. “Running is smart.” 

 Metzli’s hand on her shoulder was a welcome comfort, and Cass offered her sibling a quick smile to show her gratitude. “I don’t think time travel movies are, like, based on facts or whatever,” she replied, glancing to the man who’d made the statement. “And I don’t know if we should just give up. There’s a lot of smart people in here, right?”

 “Old dude is right. Can’t fuck with the time shit.” Mateo crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. He wasn’t one for gatherings with random people, but with the safety of his loved ones being a concern, he figured it was best to attend.

 Lil saw some of the faces of the faces that she knew and she tried her hardest not to look at them, knowing that her face looked grim. Normally she’d be the first to jump in with Cass, trying to find a solution, but she wasn’t so hopeful about all of this. Not since Jonas didn’t come back. Lil’s eyes focused on Emilio after he spoke and then Rhett echoing what she was feeling. Clearing her voice slightly Lil said, “ I agree with them, but I don’t think it’s going to be that easy. The - fabric is all wonky now.  We need to get people out of here if we can.” 

 “We got anything in place for that? ¿Plan de evacuación? Probably a good time to break it out, even as a last resort.” Though Emilio doubted they’d come up with anything better. Truth be told, he had little attachment to this town; so long as he could take the people he loved with him, he was willing to set up just about anywhere.

 “Have you seen the news? Weird shit is happening in other places too. Not just here. Evacuating may not be a total solution.” Metzli raked their hand through their hair, talking toward Emilio. “There’s something bigger happening and it looks like we’re at the core. We can’t just run.”

 Metzli had a point, and Emilio grunted in brief acknowledgement. “That happen in the past, too? This shit happening outside of town?” He glanced at Aylin, unsure if she’d know the answer.

 Leah looked to the townspeople, the ones she recognized and the ones she didn’t (who was that teenaged boy? He didn’t look familiar at all).  She looked to Nicole, and then down at her hands, and then back at the people again.  “It seems that in past situations, whatever was happening in White Crest was stopped before it was spread outside of the town.  I want to make that clear- the strange things that are happening in the outside world, they’re likely leaking out of White Crest.  Stopping what’s happening here will stop it out there, too.”

 Aylin glanced over to Emilio. “Not entirely sure - but I don’t think so? But also they didn’t have televisions back then, so they probably couldn’t find out stuff as easily as we can now, with like, Instagram and the news and whatever.”

 A year ago, Aavyan would’ve laughed his way out of this town hall. Time travel and monsters eating people was the kind of thing in movies. Maybe the others had a point with that. If no one had been able to stop this thing before, maybe the movies held a grain of truth to them. “Well, we sure can’t stay either. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like our chances if it’s 1912 and we got big lobsters.” He crossed his arms over his chest, glancing between Emilio and Metzli. “Y’all cannot be serious about thinking of staying, right?”

 Something stirred in Kaden. He wasn’t sure what he’d call it. Definitely not fear or concern. “We can’t just all die, either.” There were people in town he cared about and the thought of them all dying as the town caved in on itself – he couldn’t let his thoughts drift there. Not to mention the innocent people who just picked the wrong fucking place to live. “Whatever the solution, it can’t need the whole town. We should start getting people out.”

 “Finally, someone is making some sense,” Aavyan said, gesturing at the French kid

 Crow rubbed the back of his head but nodded at Kaden’s words, “Can help get people out. No matter what we do.” He knew how to get in and out quickly so leading groups outside of town and helping people collect their essentials would be easy for him. 

 “It’s not about staying, tonto,” Metzli rolled their eyes at Aavyan, “If it’s spreading, it doesn’t matter if we stay or not.” Looking to the teen boy, they nodded. Getting people out would be smart, but they’d need to keep capable ones in town to stop whatever it was that was causing the chaos. 

 “There are people who won’t leave,” Cass pointed out. “There always are. In every natural disaster, there are people who refuse to leave their homes. We can’t leave them to die if this thing really is, like, a ‘wipe out the whole town’ kind of deal. We need to find a way to minimize the damage at least.”

 “If people won’t leave, then evacuate them,” Kaden said. “I’m not going to sit around and let innocent people die just because they’re too stubborn and stupid to leave town.” He didn’t know how but he’d throw people into buses heading out of town if he had to. “Whatever’s going to stop this thing clearly is taking the town with it. We shouldn’t sacrifice people just because they won’t leave.”

 With so many people around to comfort him, Rio was starting to feel a bit more comfortable, though the situation didn’t exactly have much comfort to spare. “I’m not sure everyone could leave even if they wanted to.” Rio began. Leah and Rio had gone through hundreds of books probably, looking through all of the Scribe texts they had in an attempt to find records of this happening. They hadn’t been thrilled with what they found. “We couldn’t find much about the weird things happening outside of the borders before, but it’s spreading. We think that’s new.”

 “D’you know how it was stopped?” Rhett asked Leah. “If you somehow know it all happened before… sure someone had to scribble down the damn cheat code, eh?”

 “This ain’t a video game, abuelito.” Mateo chuckled, despite the man having a good point. If it’s happened before, there had to be written history about it. “He is kinda making sense, though.” He muttered with a shrug.

 “You got anything about it in the library?” Emilio inclined his head towards Leah, shifting a little. He probably wasn’t her favorite person, given the whole ‘drunken bone theft’ ordeal, but they had much bigger problems than that now, anyway. “Rhett’s right. Somebody had to have written something down.”

 “Oh!” Aylin chirped nervously, “there’s lots written down, but it does just all come to a halt. Which… is the issue, but also how we sort of figured out that stuff just all,” she gestured away with her hands, “goes poof.”

 Lil sighed slightly, thinking that the entire meeting was going sideways but liking that it was going towards a clearer picture . “ Then we have to stop it, but we don’t all have to stop it.” She couldn’t help but snort at the idea of a cheat code but shook her head. “Do - you guys have any people that could be contacted that might help. Anyone - written down in that book?” She wasn’t quite sure how many cards she could flip, but being an exorcist did give her something to go on. “With all of it being wobbly, I might be able to - talk to them.” 

 Poof was bad. Poof was very, very bad. Cass felt some of her hope slipping, and she leaned into Metzli a little for reassurance. But Lil made a good point; time was so fickle right now. If they could find some way to harness that… Maybe they could get more details? “Is there any kind of, like… pattern to the time travel stuff? Maybe we can figure out a way to work with it instead of against it?”

 Aylin turned to the woman who’d asked about names in the book, “I remember one - Patricia Williams. I think. There might’ve also been someone called Alexander Parrish, too.”

 Lil nodded at the younger as she explained some of the names, her arms stretching in front of her for a moment before nodding, realizing there were plenty people in this room that would be confused on why she asked - although she did find it somewhat charming Cass thought she was going to go through time to talk to them. With the veil breaking - and all the ghosts that loved to scream at her - Lil thought it would at least be a change of pace for them to be helpful for once. “Thanks. That’s something I could work with at least. Although if you guys got something from either of them, it might be easier. ” 

 Nicole stood in the back of the room, leaning against the wall just near the exit. Ready to bounce when things got too heated. It was her first town hall. And by the looks of it, her last one. It was hard to figure out what the real problem was. Something about time travel bullshit and— People kept talking over each other, and she wasn't sure if they were even listening. Was there even a moderator for this event? Just a bunch of kids it seemed. Not that she'd ever want to be in their shoes or to tell them how to conduct the meeting. So she kept her mouth shut, allowing the chaos and the discussions about…whatever the issue was to continue. She was sure Leah would bring her up to speed on the ride home.

 Metzli’s arm draped around Cass protectively, sensing her fear rising as the conversation transpired. None of it was sounding good, and it didn’t seem like a sensible plan could be put together. At least, not with so many people around. Most of them were useless humans who had no idea what to make of everything. “The clock,” They spat out suddenly with a bap to their head, remembering Eilidh’s kid sputtering about her little time warp. “Maybe something is up there? At the tower? Heard lots of stories about all kinds of shifts, and it is at the Common.”

 “We do know how it was stopped”, Leah answered Rhett, looking toward Rio and then Aylin. “And the library is partly how we know”, she said toward Emilio, holding his eye contact momentarily before she looked back in the group. “The problem is, in order to save the rest of the world from destruction, 12 people sort of need to… stay here. While it crumbles.”

 Emilio snapped his fingers, pointing to Metzli in agreement. “Worth looking into,” he nodded. “Weird shit’s been happening when that thing strikes the hour, too.” Then Leah spoke, and he went quiet. Twelve people, volunteering to die. That was what she was saying. He glanced around the room uncertainly. A year ago — hell, a few months ago, he would have thrown his name in the hat without hesitation. But his eyes landed on Rhett, and he thought of Teddy at home. Probably wasn’t fair now, was it?

 Oh. Well that was… less than ideal. Rhett’s gaze quickly found Emilio’s as well, and his brows furrowed. He knew what the idiot was thinking, and just shook his head slowly. “Stay here n’ do what, exactly?”

 Now that was something. Metzli’s heart felt like it dropped, realizing what Leah was saying. “Twelve people have to sacrifice themselves.” They stated blandly, answering for Leah. 

 Aylin pressed her hands against her ears. The idea of people having to sacrifice themselves made her feel sick to her stomach. “But why can’t we save everyone?”

 Twelve people had to die. No matter what. Kaden’s heart sank. Some stupid part of him figured he should volunteer and get it over with. It was his duty to protect people, right? Only no part of him wanted to die in this town. Not now. “Who… I mean how do we decide… who?” 

 People had to sacrifice themselves? Cass’s heart skipped a beat at the notion, and she swallowed as she glanced to her friends in the room. She knew the people she loved were selfless people. She knew some of them would jump at that chance. “Is there any other way?”

 Levi, who had been standing creepily at a window this whole time listening in, turned tail and booked it the fuck out of there the moment it heard the word ‘sacrifice’. No way was it getting itself wrapped up in any of that bullshit.

 The pain from Aylin and Cass was palpable, and Metzli couldn’t help but feel guilty at the thought of already willing to volunteer. Their embrace tightened around Cass, and their brows creased together as they stayed quiet and offered Aylin a worried glance. If they had to pick between themself and the ones they loved, it was always going to be the latter. With or without a soul.

 “Any volunteers?” Aavyan deadpanned. “It’s just human sacrifice or nothing, right? I mean, come on.” Why were they trusting the word of some long dead prophets or whatever? Surely there must be any other option than just letting twelve of their fellow townspeople die. Everyone in this room was someone’s friend, brother, grandmother, cousin–something. He shouldn’t have come to this meeting. Better yet, Aavyan should have never come back to White Crest in the first place. 

 “Volunteers? We can’t seriously be considering this.” Cass glanced around again, hoping to find anyone as horrified as she was.

 “Why do we have to have volunteers?” Aylin spoke up at nearly the same time as Cass. “That seems - cruel, or like - why do people have to choose to die? I really really don’t like that at all.” She took in a deep breath in an attempt to steady herself.

 “We aren’t going to stop looking,” Rio promised. “If there’s any way to avoid this we are going to figure it out. We don’t want anyone to die. Or have to choose to stay behind. But…” Rio paused before letting out a big sigh, “From what we’ve found in old journals it’s never been stopped before.”

 “We’ll figure it out,” Metzli stated with conviction, “We always do.” They swallowed and began to back away, a tumultuous parade of thoughts marching through their mind. There had to be another way, but panic was beginning to creep into the room—or maybe it was just their mind. With all the information they were presented with, there was a lot to think about. Too much, even. 

 “And what happens if we don’t find another way? If not enough people volunteer?” Rhett didn’t exactly make a habit of being a ray of sunshine, but these were the sort of things they had to consider. 

 Mateo had had enough of the conversation. Whatever the town decided to do, he decided that it was their problem, and left. Plenty of selfless people out there would volunteer, and in the meantime, he’d get Vida and Luz out. 

 Lil was already formulating how to get the ghosts to her with relative ease, when she heard Leah’s words and her brain settled for a second. Of course. She’d had a gut feeling about all of this and she settled for a moment.  Everything always had a dam cost, and she figured that the piper usually got paid in the end.  She should have felt some sort of anger or remorse, but instead her jaw settled, not wanting it to start drawing straws or some sort of nonsense. She knew when she entered White Crest she’d die here, and it didn’t seem as horrifying as the other’s expressions seemed to think.

Lil sighed and said, “ Then I guess I’ll be the dumbass to start it, so we don’t end up in fucking lots.” Lil said to Rhett knowing that it would start another argument.  Waiting for the shock to settle down a bit, Lil tried to be gentle and said, “ It’s morbid, but I think we should at least consider having people that are willing to stay behind, if just if it comes to that, or many more people than twelve are going to die. For what it’s worth we still need to know what they did if we’re going to have any chance at all. They must have done some ritual that we’re going to need to do and since we don’t have a book on it we're going to have to ask them. So - at the very least I’m staying here. Whatever happens happens. ” Lil said the last part with a confidence that was mostly stolen from her father as she didn’t look at her friends with a shrug in her shoulder. She wasn’t frightened - death had never scared her - and she was fairly resolute on it.  “So I guess I'm volunteer one. Hopefully it turns out they just fucked up the ritual huh.” She put on an easy expression, not one of fear in hopes that the rest of them would see that she wasn’t doing it out of morbidity. 

 “I’m not concerned about the possibility of there not being enough volunteers, not when White Crest attracts the very people who feel pulled in by this sort of thing”, Leah started.  She looked toward Lil, trying her best to convey all the gratefulness she was feeling with just a look.  “And again, there’s always the possibility that we’re wrong, that it’ll be nothing…  Just a harmless ritual, and White Crest could be back to harmless fish rain as soon as the New Year.”  It wasn’t an irrational thought.  Despite the piles of research she and Rio had pulled up about what was happening, Leah couldn’t help but have a glimpse of optimism about the town that she loved so much.  She had only ever seen it work out, somehow some way, at least in this lifetime.  And how could she distrust what her eyes have proven to her so many times?

 Leah was right — there would be no shortage of volunteers. That was the problem. Cass ran a hand through her hair, shaking her head quickly. “We’re going to find another way.” She said it with conviction, with a certainty she didn’t feel. They had to find another way. She couldn’t stand the thought of losing the family she’d built for herself here.

 Emilio looked to Rhett again, heaving a heavy sigh as he forced himself to his feet. He inclined his head towards Rhett, then towards the door in a silent question. You wanna get the hell out of here? If he stayed any longer, he had a feeling he was going to do something stupid, like offer himself up for this batshit plan.

 Taking the slayer’s point, Rhett frowned and nodded, pushing himself off the wall. “Great. Best put out a notice in the dailies, then.” Making sure Emilio was ahead of him, the warden followed him out the door. 

 “We’ll do everything we can to find another way.” Aylin’s voice shook, but she turned to Rio and whispered to him, “what about pancakes? I think I need sugar to get my mind off of this, and maybe it’ll help us figure out something to do so that people don’t have to sacrifice themselves.” She offered him her hand. “I’m ready when you are.”

 Rio couldn’t ask people to volunteer to sacrifice themselves, he didn’t want to give up on searching for an answer. “We can set up research times. In the library or at the park. We have plenty of books to go through. Anyone who wants to volunteer can show up and help try to find something.” Somewhere, somehow, maybe they’d find some sort of hail mary. After that, he focused on Aylin’s question, grabbing onto her hand and wrapping his fingers in hers, “Flipped has the best pancakes. And they never held it against me that time I got thrown through their window.”

[logicalbookthief]

Christmas Movies Ranked by How Anti-Capitalist They Are

It’s a Wonderful Life

Movies that make you want to pick a fight with the 1% and also weep with joy. Absolutely a classic and anti-capitalist at its very core. Will convince you we need to start oppressing landlords again.

“Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you're talking about... they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't think so. People were human beings to him. But to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle.”

SAY THAT!!! George Bailey said fuck landlords, all my homies hate landlords, they have NO rights. Local man believes poor people are human, dedicates his life to helping them, and in his time of the need literally the whole town comes together to support him and his family. Class solidarity ftw!

“Remember no man is a failure who has friends.” Bitch I CRY EVERY GODDAMN TIME. 

10/10

Home Alone

Soundtrack goes hard, the wacky hijinks even harder. 

Loses points because the bandits had a prime opportunity to seize and redistribute some of the wealth from this ritzy Chicago neighborhood and instead they focus their energy on trying to kill an 8-year-old who outsmarts them at every turn.

2/10

Elf

A family favorite in our house. Touches on the overworking and mistreatment of employees through Greenway Press – Walter forced to choose between being with his family on Christmas Eve or losing his job, it’s implied Deb has a pet grooming business on the side to makes ends meet despite being a receptionist at a NY publishing company, etc.

Honestly most of the points come from Jonie’s underrated yet highly relatable storyline. She works in retail, exhausted and cynical towards the high-paced Christmas season which gives her little to no relief or reward, since she’s surviving on ramen noodles and using the employee showers because her water was cut off. Not expanded on enough to be considered a true Marxist piece but the effort is appreciated.

5/10

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Although the meme is correct in that Rudolph’s red nose becomes desirable only once it proves to be useful, it does get points for exposing the harmful nature of forced conformity and those alienated by these capitalist ideals -- Rudolph, Hermie, the island of misfit toys -- are given a place to belong despite the perceived “flaws” that before made them undesirable.

Also the elves definitely have a free dental-plan now thanks to Hermie and are hopefully on their way to unionizing. Fucking superb you funky little misfit.

6/10

Klaus (2019)

Turns a member of the bourgeoisie into a man I’d trust to carry my mail. Respect for postal workers this movie contains was ahead of its time.

 No direct takedown of the establishment but a heartwarming message -- “A true selfless act always sparks another” bITCH I may be crying -- that emphasizes the importance of giving to others even when there is no selfish motivation to do so, which is inherently anti-capitalist.  

8/10

The Santa Clause

Scott Calvin starts as a toy executive who takes part in the commercialization of Christmas. He was probably a business major so automatically loses points.

The Santa dynasty itself seems to operate under the cutthroat rules of the business world where you must overthrow (or in this case, throw him off the roof) the former CEO in order to seize power. 

Elves have not unionized or seized the means of production by the end.

0/10

A Christmas Carol 

THE ORIGINAL. Charles Dickens was not even in the neighborhood of fucking around with this one. CREATED the anti-capitalist Christmas genre!!

Rich man treats his employees like shit and gets terrorized by three ghosts on Christmas Eve. Force him to redistribute his wealth by dragging him through a montage of his most epic fails -- oh, hey, remember when your fiancé left you? -- and make him listen as all his employees and relatives complain about his stingy ass. 

They end this slideshow by throwing this dude into his own grave. DIRECT ACTION. 

Like damn, the ghosts really said, “If you hoard your resources and ignore those in need when you could directly improve/save lives with no cost to yourself, you will die ALONE and you WILL pay for your crimes in hell.” Literally watching this movie is a catharsis for anyone who is or has been poor and working class. 

I’m including all versions of this movie but a special shout out to the Muppet version because it fucks the hardest. 

100/10

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Listen I’m not even in realms of joking with this one. This movie is THE anti-capitalist film of the holiday season. 

WhoVille commercializing Christmas and a fixation on consumer culture to the point where anything and anyONE who cannot be commodified -- aka the GRINCH -- is alienated? The Whos rediscovering that people should be cherished over material items once it all is stolen and they must confront how empty the holiday has become??

Cindy Lou becoming disillusioned in Christmas -- at an age that coincides when many children (those who celebrate Christmas at least) lost belief in Santa and had to wrestle with what the holiday means with the magic gone and they’re more aware of the rampant consumerism that taints the season?? Her resolve to find a meaning that goes beyond material consumption because if a holiday founded on goodwill doesn’t extend that goodwill to everyone, even those society deems undesirable, then what’s the point???

The Grinch despising Christmas because he is unable to participate and isolated from the Whos and also the better qualities within himself? His alienation serving to demonize him further as it allows the public to narrow his valid criticisms of the holiday down to him being different and thus inherently predisposed to evil?? And hmm isn’t it interesting that a LOT of this demonization comes via Mayor Augustus “generously paid for by the tax-payers of Whoville” Maywho, Mr. 1% himself.

The upper vs working class divide evident in the light show competition between Martha May and Betty Lou Who?? The opening scene of the shopping frenzy that mirrors our own consumerist culture and overworking of retail/poster workers??? This entire monologue:

“That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been about. Gifts, gifts... gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your garbage. I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump. And the avarice... the avarice never ends! ‘I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make glue.’" 

MARXIST KING. MENTION IT ALL.

1000/10

[gar-trek]

please share what you have to say about food cubes!!

I was feeling a little apprehensive about releasing the TOS Food Document™ because it is so damn long…. But since you asked anon

DISCLAIMER:

This is focused solely on food as it appears in the original series. Whatever explanation of food synthesizer/replicator that may come in later series does to apply here. I am also not a Star Trek expert. I’m sure there is some super fan out there who knows everything there is to know about food in TOS, but that person is not me. This is just my thoughts as I’ve observed instances where food is shown or mentioned in TOS. If my thought process is flawed, or I make some claims that don’t really make sense, I am sorry. The food canon is very complicated and vague, so this is me just trying my best to make sense of it. I’d also like to mention I did not explicitly cover the meal scene in What Are Little Girls Made Of? Or the ice cream scene from And The Children Shall Lead, but I do make reference to them. I’m sure there are other food scenes I didn’t get to cover here, so if I’m missing a few pieces, I’m sorry.

Anyway… let’s get into it!

The original series, food, and other things that keep me up at night

I don’t care about continuity or plot holes in Star Trek: The Original Series, and if I did, I think the show would become rather unwatchable. It’s not about what happens to get us from plot point A to B, but more important that we do get there (ie, who cares how or why Spock’s brain has been removed from his body, it’s more important that we do get it back inside).

This being said, there is one aspect to TOS that baffles me to no end, and its something I just cannot overlook: the food. Food, the entire concept of it as it appears in TOS haunts me. Each time they show or mention food it makes less and less sense. It’s a never-ending nightmare and I spend every day trying to understand what goes on in the Enterprise Cafeteria. Today I would like to explore a couple food instances on TOS, and hopefully make a little sense of what is happening.

The first chilling incident: The Man Trap (S1E2) - Rand is a thief

In this episode, we see Yeoman Rand on her way to deliver Sulu his meal. She is carrying a tray of colored food cubes (which is what I will be referring to them as here, because there is no official name) and what we can assume to be some kind of alien variant of celery (earth celery with some red crap stuck on top). While waiting for the turbo lift, Rand eats one of the celery sticks intended for Sulu. My question is why. Like literally why does this happen. Sulu never mentions it (maybe he doesn’t notice). She never mentions it to him, which means we can assume she doesn’t want him to know. So why is Rand stealing food? Does she not get enough to eat? Is the limits for how much you get to eat on the Enterprise that strict you need to turn to thievery to get a proper meal? and if that the case, she’s shorting Sulu on his allotted food. In this same scene, we see Ensign Green (who is really a salt-sucking monster) make a grab for the tray as if he too is going to steal Sulu’d food. However, Rand slaps his hand away and asks “who do you think you are?”, a hypocritical statement considering Rand is also in the act of stealing food. So Rand, I must pose the same question to you. This scene has no resolution, so any interpretation is up to the viewer. Whether you think Rand's actions make her a girlboss or a thief, is up to you, however, one thing is undeniably true: Rand eats food off other people's plates.

Other food-related things of note in this episode is that Sulu sprinkles salt on the celery sticks. This means they are either bland or that's just his personal taste. Also, when Rand gives him his tray, he says “may the great bird of the galaxy bless your planet” and this has nothing really to do with food, I just thought it was kind of badass.

(Sulu’s food tray with 3 celery instead of 4 because Rand ate one)  

Incident two: Charlie X (S1E3) - synthetic meatloaf

In Charlie X, we see Captain Kirk make this comment in passing:

“Today on earth it is Thanksgiving, if the crew has to eat synthetic meatloaf I want it to look like turkey.”

This statement leaves us with a couple undeniable truths:

1. Meatloaf is a meal option on the Enterprise.

2. It is synthetic, meaning the meatloaf may not contain any meat at all.

3. It is not shaped like turkey, but it is possible to do so.

if the meatloaf served on the Enterprise is synthetic, then it very well could be made out of the same stuff the colored food cubes are made out of. Also, (and this is pure speculation so take it with a grain of salt) since we never hear anyone refer to the colored food cubes by name, they could literally be the “synthetic meatloaf” that Kirk is referring to here. In this case, the term synthetic meatloaf would not mean a synthetic version of the popular American dish meatloaf but instead loafs of synthetic meat. Since we do not know exactly what synthetic meat looks like, it very well could be brightly colored cubes.

In either case, Kirk is asking them to turn synthetic food from one shape to another. We understand this is possible through the food synthesizer, however, if all the food they eat on the Enterprise is synthetic anyway, then why did Kirk specifically mention synthetic meatloaf in the shape of turkey? would the turkey not instead be made out of synthetic turkey? why must the synthetic turkey be made specifically out of meatloaf? isn’t every single food that comes out of the food synthesizer made out of the same thing? It would have made more sense for Kirk to say “it's thanksgiving so can you made the food synthesizers produce turnkey?”. However, Kirk is like, a really cool guy, so it is possible that the meatloaf comment is just a fun joke. Either way, we know that synthetic meatloaf is a standard menu item on the enterprise, yet we have never seen anyone consume it.

Incident 3: The Corbomite Maneuver (S1E11) - Green leaves

In this episode, Kirk goes in for a physical, and Doctor McCoy reports that the captain is 2 pounds overweight. In response to this, the Doctor changes the captain's dietary card to help him lose a little wight (🙄). We later see the captain served a “dietary salad” in place of his usual meals. The existence of dietary salad is interesting for many reasons. Most importantly, we understand that dietary salad is somehow better for you than what is usually served on the Enterprise. It most likely has a lower caloric intake than say, colored food cubes. However, as discussed before, most if not all the food on the Enterprise is synthetic. If the food is created, and not naturally made, then one can assume its caloric value can be controlled. Would it not be possible to make a lower-calorie version of colored food cubes? one would assume that the cubes are made to have the perfect amount of nutrients to satisfy yet keep humans a healthy weight if they are in fact a form of synthetic man-made food. How would the captain overeat, if portions are pre-determined by dietary cards? Is Kirk somehow going rouge and consuming food that is not created by the food synthesizer (the captain's secret cookie stockpile??).

The existence of this salad also begs another question: is it synthetic as well, or are they growing fresh salad on the Enterprise? We do know that they are able to grow things on the ship, however, there has never been any discussion of growing crops specifically for consumption. If this is the case though, it may explain why we often see crew members eating celery sticks. Perhaps things like celery sticks and dietary salads are grown on the Enterprise, but all other food is synthetically created. In which case, who’s job is it to harvest food and prepare it for meals? Did Rand have to put that dietary salad together all on her own?

One more interesting point about the Salad: When Kirk first receives it, he asks

“what in the devil is this? Green leaves?”

which prompts Rand to explain that it’s a salad. It is very possible that Kirk genuinely has no idea what a salad is. He may have never had one, nor heard of the food in his entire life. Later we see him eat the salad with his hands, which further proves the point that captain kirk doesn't know what salad is. Why captain Kirk would somehow have no knowledge of salad is up to speculation.

Incident 4: The conscience of the king (S1E14) - Cry over spilled milk 

In this episode, Lieutenant Riley is served colored food cubes and a glass of what appears to be milk. There isn’t much of significance here, other than the fact we know it is possible to get a glass of milk with your meal on the Enterprise. Unlike Sulu, Riley doesn’t have any celery sticks but seems to have a larger serving of colored food cubes as compensation. We also learn that milk is served in a large glass, something that seems very impractical on a starship.

Riley proves my point moments later when he spills milk on a control panel and shatters the glass. This begs the question, who is going to clean that up?

Incident 5: Tomorrow is Yesterday (S1E20) - Chicken noodle soup

In this episode, the Enterprise accidentally beams a 60′s army man abroad their ship (for the second time). This random chad ensign asks the man if he’s hungry because he’s a troll I guess and he wanted to flex their cool future food machine. The army captain guy is like sure, I could go for some chicken soup right now (a very natural response to being beamed onto a spaceship for the first time). Chad ensign has like three cards in front of him, and I guess one of them just happens to be chicken soup because he puts it in the machine and the soup appears. Grant it, we never actually get to see the soup with out own eyes, but the army captain does seem to be pretty convinced that it is chicken soup just by the smell. This opens up a couple possibilities:

-The food synthesizer can make almost anything you want, and the card is maybe like a very broad category, like a dinner card, and when you put it in you can pick any dinner food you’d like.

or

-The food synthesizer can only make what is specific to each card, and the ensign just got extremely lucky and happened to have a card that was the exact food the army captain wanted.

More evidence, which we will go over later, points more towards the theory that one card is equal to one specific type of food. In this case, it is unclear how the synthesizer food cards are distributed, or how you get your pick of what food you would like. It is also more likely that options would be limited. This does make sense, however, it makes this scene very confusing, as, as I’ve pointed out, the ensign had a very limited number of cards, but exactly what the captain had asked for. Pure luck? what mind game was that Chad ensign trying to play with the poor man who was abducted from earth... we will never know.

One more very interesting thing is established here: The transporter room has a food synthesizer. Why this is is purely up to speculation. In my mind, having a food synthesizer in the transporter room would be like having a full kitchen where you park your car. Seems pretty useless, but maybe the guys in the transporter room requested easy access to snacks? Why the transporter room would get this special privilege is again, up to speculation.

Incident 6: Space Seed (S1E23) - Dinner with Khan

In Space Seed a special dinner is put together to welcome Khan onto the Enterprise. We see that they are being served colored food cubes and celery sticks. Doctor McCoy walks into the dining room and comments about how the display is “very impressive”. However, this seems like a very unusual comment considering we are shown the only food we have ever seen consumed on the Enterprise. What exactly makes this food “impressive” as compared to other celery sticks and colored food cubes? Is there some way to tell this particular food is better that we don’t know about, but is obvious to everyone on the Enterprise?

There is also a chance that Doctor McCoy is just very easily impressed with food, and upon seeing any food spread he is likely to comment in wonder. Note the way Scotty is looking at McCoy. His face is a mixture of confusion, judgment, and pity. Perhaps Scotty is thinking to himself “bruh, it’s literally just colored food cubes chill out man,”. There is no explanation as to why Scotty is giving McCoy such a look, so this very well could be the case. Even though it is a silly explanation, I don’t think it should be ruled out that one of McCoy’s personality traits is being overly excited about food of any kind.  

Incident 7: Journey to Babel (S2E10) Party food

Much like in Space Seed, in this episode, we get to see a meal put together for a special occasion. All the diplomates are getting down at a mixer where a spread of food has been provided. These snacks seem very similar to colored food cubes, however I do think they differ. They may be the same type of food, but different in some way. In which case colored food cubes is an overarching category of food, and here we see two different types. The smaller more brightly colored cubes can be put in drinks, though if this is what you are supposed to do with them, or just the preference of that one alien species I do not know. Though I must point out, we have seen colored food cubes served in brown sauce in What are Little Girls Made Of? (S1E8) so it is not completely unheard of to have your colored food cubes served soggy.

The other type of colored food cubes we see are a lot larger and more pair shaped (in reality, they probably were just skinned pairs dipped in food coloring, but for this essay, it’s important that we completely ignore the fact there is another life outside of Star Trek). Now to me, these are very interesting, because the dull color and apparent texture are a lit more similar to standard colored food cubes we have seen thus far. I would even go o far to say that this is the same exact food, just sans the cubed shape. So really, standard colored food cubes are just the cubed version of whatever this food is. This, again, is just speculation, but it does point us to the fact that colored food cubes are not naturally cubed (I’m going somewhere with this is promise)

Incident 8: The Trouble With Tribbles (S2E15) The trouble with Chicken sandwichs

Here we see Kirk attempting to order a chicken sandwich and coffee. What he gets instead is a plate full of tribbles,  hilarity ensues. I think this scene is interesting because we can add to our list of food items that are on the menu at the enterprise cafeteria: chicken sandwich. However, this is another food item we do not see. There is no way of knowing if the Enterprise's version of a chicken sandwich is what we would imagine a chicken sandwich to be. Much like the meatloaf and the soup, because we do not see it, there is no way of knowing if the food exists in the way that we as 21st-century people understand it. The events of TOS take place more than 200 years in our future, so to speculate that food could change a lot during that time isn’t a stretch. I don’t know, just some food for thought (lol)

Incident 9: By Any Other Name (S2E22) Living deliciously

In this episode, an alien taking the form of a human enjoys some colored food cubes. He makes a comment about how they are good they are while enthusiastically eating his food. This is a very important moment because it tells us that colored food cubes do taste good. In fact, they taste really good. Just before he eats, the alien comments on how humans could just take pills that give them all their nutrient needs and give up food completely (think the Jetsons cartoon). On the Enterprise, they do not eat just to live, but because they enjoy their food as well. This tells us that colored food cubes are at the very least, worth eating, and at the best, very delicious.

One more interesting thing: Spock is eating some kind of soup while everyone else enjoys colored food cubes. This could be a Vulcan preference, however, we know that Spock is vegetarian. This could be alluding to the fact that Colored Food Cubes are made out of meat.

Conclusion:

Yes, I asked a lot more questions than I answered. There are some things that make absolutely no sense to me, primarily, the food synthesizer and diet cards. Some evidence points to the fact that the food synthesizer can make practically anything (see Tomorrow is Yesterday, And the Children Shall Lead). However, one dietary card is equal to one specific food, which would mean they would have to produce a lot of these dietary cards if there is many meal options. How these cards are distributed, and what their limitations are, we do not know. And although we do not know the limits of what the food synthesizer can create, we do know these food have been served on the enterprise at least at one point:

-colored food cubes (variety)

-celery

-synthetic meatloaf

-synthetic turkey (Thanksgiving Special)

-Dietary Salad

-Milk

-Chicken Soup

-Chicken Sandwich

-Mystery Soup

-Ice cream (variety of flavors)

All of this food (except for maybe the dietary salad and celery) are synoptically created, so what they are actually made up of, I cannot say.

And finally, I would like to make a point about the colored food cubes. I think upon first inspection one would assume colored food cubes is a dish created specifically for space travel (think the food created for modern-day astronauts to consume in space). However, we learned that there is possibly a variety of colored food cube dishes. Since there is such a wide variety of food on the Enterprise, why would they also need to create a food specifically for space travel? I think that colored food cubes are actually a common dish, not intended specifically for space travel. Perhaps it was an alien food that got popular on earth, maybe it was a dish developed later in Earth's history by humans. I can only speculate, but I do think it is more than just boring space food. Everyone seems to have a preference for it, so I think it’s a dish you can eat over and over again and not get sick of. What colored food cubes taste like is completely up to speculation, but I would assume they are a savory food, considering we often see people enjoying them for their main meal.

I still have more to say, but for the sake of everyone, I’ll end it there. This was a lot of thought dumping, so if some of the things I said made no sense at all, I’m sorry. I’d love to hear some of your thoughts on TOS food! please share with me what you think colored food cubes would taste like :)

[howtobecomeadragon]

That post you made further proves the Mike/Hopper/Brenner parallels as well. El wants love from Mike not specifically because she expects him to love her romantically, but she's lost without Hopper. Hopper/Mike parallels have always been intentional since S2 I think, heck, maybe even since S1. When Mike is not there to feed and look after El, Hopper fills that role for her in S2. Combine with S3 and S4. El was feeling lost in S4 due to Hopper, we see it right at the beginning when she was talking about him at the class. Is it a coincidence that this whole Mike and El fight were happening when El was trying to fix her Hopper school project?

Then when she finally finds Hopper and when Hopper returns, El doesn't even look for Mike for a second, LMAO. She goes to Hopper right away and seeks comfort and support from him after all the shit that's went down.

Well said, anon, thank you!! Yes, El working on fixing the diorama is such an interesting part of their fight scene. It's literally showing us where her head it at and is placed between Mike and El for a big part of the conversation.

(With the exact same placement that Mike, the closet, and Will have in their scene in the next episode, showing what's on their minds in some way: the closet)

And with El having that parental figure back in her life, that she trusts and loves (not that she doesn't care for Joyce but we didn't see them bonding too too much, and it's just not the same as her relationship with Hopper), I do think we're going to get a very different El, as far as what she feels she needs and how she needs to get it.

With Hopper, she has unconditional love, a support system, someone to teach her and to listen to her, someone to help her navigate life, all of those roles in an appropriate parental figure. With that, and with having other platonic bonds more solidified (close friendship with Max, maybe seeing more with Lucas, brotherly bond with Will especially but also Jonathan), and without her younger and more carefree attitude about making out with Mike ("life isn't just about stupid boys", "what do you like," just being disillusioned about Mike's focus on her powers and struggles saying I love you), I think it's going to be a lot easier now for El to rip off that bandaid and acknowledge that she doesn't need Mike anymore to fill the romantic + familial + platonic roles in her life. She's getting love from so many places, especially what's most important for her, familial love, and she's going to realize that she doesn't want Mike with his foot in three spheres of love for her anymore, especially because he was doing a shitty job of providing that romantic and familial love in s4 anyway.

She won't feel a need to overcompensate with romantic love as she will have her familial love back, so Mike can go back to where he fits best for El, providing platonic love.

[drxwsyni]

doubts and desires︱albedo x f!reader

summary: letting go of the past is hard, but losing what you have now would be harder. leaving albedo is neither something you can do, or something you really want, it’s simply taken you a while to understand that. word count: 2k warnings: implied dubcon, stockholm syndrome, past kidnapping

Even with how Albedo had bundled you up in a hat, scarf, gloves, and coat―it still failed to ward off the chill that seemingly sucked the warmth right from your body. Yet you said nothing about it, the unwanted attention it would draw from him inevitable if you made your discomfort known. And, you were almost certain he would drag you back to the cabin if he knew how the cold was treating you.

You didn’t enjoy the biting temperatures, but you didn’t want leave. Not when it’s been so long since you descended the mountain, that you barely even remember the feeling of snowfall against your skin.

The whole situation he’s placed you in is really quite foreign―confusing.

In how he’s letting you accompany him in his research, not far from his―your home. A safe distance, so to speak. Or that’s what he said, at least.

You realized that the way he spoke of this outing, how it’d just be the two of you, and that you wouldn’t venture very far; they were words of comfort. Not said to reassure himself that things would go smoothly, but to calm the look of trepidation in your eyes from the mere suggestion of going outside.

Now, seeing Albedo’s nonchalant demeanour while he studies the petrification of a fallen tree, it puts your mind at ease. Sure, if you look closely you’ll be able to see the way his eyes flicker to your form every few seconds or so, making sure you were right where he left you, but generally the alchemist is calm.

It makes you calm, for a moment it feels like you’re able to settle down and appreciate the intricate beauty of the snow swept mountain you stand upon. Best to do so now, knowing it wouldn’t be long until he would lead you home, sheltered safely away from the danger of the mountain’s climate.

“Oh―I didn’t know you were to be researching today, Albedo sir.”

With your back turned to the newly appeared stranger behind you, the cold that had seeped into your bones no longer posed as the only thing holding you in place―it was also now an icy fear.

You watched unmoving from your spot as Albedo gave pause, a hint of contemplation flashing across his face before standing.

“Timaeus. I thought you were studying back in the city.”

The man, who you had yet to properly address, responded with a somewhat nervous laugh.

“Yes, well I was, but it led me to do my own research out in the field…”

Always in a strangely graceful manner, Albedo dusted off his pants and straightened his jacket. A look of unashamed disinterest painted his expression as Timaeus rambled on about his findings.

Truly, you don’t recall Albedo ever showing such emotions with you―a detail not necessarily heartwarming, but still reassuring in an indescribable way.

Perhaps it was due to you being so sure that he’d rid himself of you when you no longer proved useful. Which made the swirling of affection and enamour in his eyes when he gazed upon you settle your nerves, even in just the slightest.

“...which I unfortunately have yet to procure. But―ah, I’ve gotten ahead of myself again. My apologies, how is your research coming along. And...who might you be?”  

If Albedo recognized the look of severe anxiety flashing across your face, he paid no mind. Instead giving you a small, somewhat warm smile. As if to say, “Go ahead.”

The few seconds that passed were done in silence, you desperately trying to read Albedo’s face for ulterior motives, and the man behind you shuffling awkwardly in place while he waited for a response.

By some miracle, your body moved on autopilot, turning around to finally acknowledge the cause of your newfound distress. Only, you couldn’t even look him in the face.

Your mouth was dry, mind foggy and unable to think of a response that was anywhere near being coherent.

“...I―uh…”

“This is my new assistant. Please do forgive her, she’s quite shy.”

A shaky breath escaped your rigid body at the sound of Albedo’s voice, and the feeling of his hand resting gently upon the small of your back.

The blatant lie that only you and him recognized echoed inside your head.

Timaeus had no clue who you were, or what you meant to Albedo. But if he did know, you wondered what he would do.

“...Ah, it’s strange we’ve never met before.”

You could tell without looking that Timaeus was studying your form. With the way his tone shifted to something a little more unsettled, a pit grew in your stomach knowing how he had picked up on your questionable nervousness.

The hand resting on your back felt a little more heavy.

Albedo showed no signs of botherment, “That’s likely because she’s not from here.”

For some ungodly reason, the less experienced alchemist took this as an opportunity. “Oh, if that’s the case then we should show her around. Sucrose could use someone like herself to―”

“Actually, we were just leaving. I’m afraid I’ve kept her out in the cold too long, and descending the mountain any further is quite a reckless task in this weather―” His head turned to look at you, no longer addressing his student, “―right?”

If Timaeus was told of what his teacher had done to you, would he help? Even if he looks up to Albedo, even if everyone does, surely they would step in.

Only, the issue remained that first you’d have to prove to them you were in danger.

...And really, you weren’t. Not anymore.

The tender bruises around your wrists and ankles had healed long ago. Your health was in near perfect condition, what with how Albedo saw to it that you never did anything to put it at risk. A single and quick glance would show that you were so pristinely taken care of, complexion shining now that you no longer spent nights sleepless from fear.

What were you to even say?

Moreso, it remained true that you didn’t quite want to say anything.

Timaeus wouldn’t believe your truth, and Albedo would likely spin the scenario so that your words weren’t reliable anyways.

It dawned on you that Albedo knew this fact well, why else would he bring you with him if he wouldn’t still be entirely in control of the situation?

A simple movement, his hand drifted to your hip and gripped it firmly, urging.

Your voice, barely a whisper met his ears.

“...Of course…”

That was all he needed, sending an impatient, yet still neutral glance towards Timaeus, the smallest hint of self-satisfaction lingering in it.

His student took the hint.

_____

“I have to say, bringing you with me was quite...productive.”

After dinner, Albedo has you keep him company in his study. You, occupied with a book in a chair across from his desk, while he goes over his findings from the day’s outing.

“Research wise, I was able to study you in a foreign situation.” He continued, conversation one-sided, “The results were to my liking…”

Although construed in his ever sophisticated manner, his words told you that you did something right. He was proud, and that notion made the swell of a strange warmth in your heart grow.

The alchemist’s gaze remained downcasted at the papers strewn about in front of him while he spoke. “...I suppose you should be rewarded for such good behaviour.”

Your eyes flitted up, the story on your lap abandoned completely.

Albedo has never spoken of such a thing, not once entertaining the idea of rewards when he saw no reason to ever extend such gratitude. Even after all this time.

He must be especially pleased, you thought.

Perhaps, enough to grant you back even a small semblance of independence...that would most certainly be your wish.

You’d long grown used to his suffocating personality, the intense interest he paid you often resulting in little to no alone time. Albedo made sure you stayed in eyeshot, and in those inevitable times he needed to leave, he made them quick, and you were to be safely tucked away in the bedroom, door locked from the outside. There wasn’t a single detail he missed, no stone left unturned when trying to improve your security.

Unfortunately for you, it left little autonomy.

Just the smallest taste of self-reliance would be fine. You’d love to cook a nice meal, like the ones you used to make. Or perhaps to pick your own outfit one morning, something more your style than the things he put together for you. Any break from his constant guidance, no matter what shape or form, you’d gladly take―

“Why don’t you go get cleaned up then, I’ll meet you upstairs soon.”

Albedo neglected to look up as he spoke, and so he missed how the glimmer of anticipation in your eyes faded away. The way your shoulders dropped slightly, the look of disappointment flashing across your features in understanding of his words.

What he had planned, it was a reward...of sorts.

An excuse, as far as you saw it.

Albedo was known for testing the limits of living beings after all, and in certain ways, such studies extended to how he treats you. It’s a win win for him―he thinks it’s a reward, since he knows he can make you feel good, and doing so just shows him all those little things he can’t learn through idle observation. What makes you squirm or shy away with innocent embarrassment―information just as important as everything else he knows about you.

It doesn’t dissuade Albedo when he finally glances up to see what his offer has done, though the sight does make him feel as though he’s deceived you.

Still, he remains unapologetic. “While you gave me some good insight on how far you’ve...adjusted, I still can’t completely trust you. This merely turned out to be a good opportunity for satisfying your other needs―nothing more.”

Flipping open a nearby textbook, Albedo conveys wordlessly, a difficult habit of his, that the conversation has ended.

You, however, have yet to heed his words. Still seated, the once flickering of hope subsiding with each passing second. Call it grief, but you were sincerely expecting a different outcome. Though, knowing Albedo, and his constant need to grow more knowledgeable, you should’ve seen this coming.

“...I’d rather not have to force your compliance tonight. So, please―” He gestured towards the door with a wave of his hand, focus trained and brows barely knitted while he skims over his readings on the desk.

Honestly speaking, you once thought Albedo was a deeply confusing man. So too was the life he’d meticulously prepared, and swiftly forced you into. Yet, looking back, things may have been more simple than you once perceived.

Your only real job is to exist and comply. And you both know you’re not going anywhere, not going to say no. Especially now, given how effortless it feels to fall into routine, going through the motions of his request and carrying yourself upstairs.

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you realize it’s too late for you, what feels like an eternity spent at Albedo’s side having just about rendered your fighting spirit useless. It’s been long since replaced with what you’re coming to know as a certain fondness. You want to see the compassion in his eyes that’s sparked by your willing compliance.

It was a single, tangible goal. Not complex and unobtainable like those tasks of your past life. Attempts at obtaining those desires are futile, when today's events proved you genuinely no longer want them anymore.

It’s much easier to make Albedo proud. You don’t realize that you do it everyday, and that he’s just poor at conveying his own emotions...

Drawing yourself a bath, you wash away past doubts, settling with what your life has turned into.

Distantly, you hear Albedo make his way up the stairs and towards your bedroom. You like knowing what’s to come, which is always something you’ll have with him. You can’t say the same if you leave, and so you finally resolve that you never will.

[makeste]

save no matter what.

so this is going to ultimately be a post about Deku. however, if you’ll be so kind as to indulge me, I would like to start things off by making a point about Bakugou. specifically, I’d like to point out that back in the day before this kid got Character Development no Jutsu’d, people weren’t always so inclined to view his attitude towards winning in the best light. which is a nice way of saying that he came off as unhealthily obsessed, not to mention more than a little unhinged.

sorry for the image spam btw, I just think they’re funny. he’s so demented lmao. KILL DIE CRUSH.

anyway so we’re gonna do the rest of this below a cut before it gets long. but I promise it really is a Deku post lol. don’t let the pre-readmore stuff fool you. I PROMISE THERE IS A POINT, AND WE WILL GET TO IT.

anyway! so yeah, we really didn’t have the best impression of Bakugou’s whole winning fixation at the beginning there. and I mean, it’s not like we had the best impression of Bakugou himself at the start of things either. we were already primed from the very first chapter to see this kid as an adversary to Izuku. the story goes out of its way to paint him in pretty much the worst light possible. which is why what happens next is so interesting.

because one might see all this and think, “holy heck, this kid is off the shits, somebody needs to set him straight pronto and get it into his head that winning isn’t everything.” because that’s almost the natural conclusion to draw. “look at this kid, he doesn’t care about helping other people at all, all he cares about is winning, someone needs to come along and show him that he’s got it backwards.”

except that’s not what happens, is it? because this is where, much to my delight, Horikoshi came along and started subverting expectations. because not only is Katsuki not rebuked for being so obsessed with winning -- it’s pretty much the exact opposite.

the one and only time Deku ever straight up hands Katsuki’s ass to him is when he says he doesn’t want to win. Deku is IMMEDIATELY all, “THE FUCK KIND OF BULLSHIT DID I JUST HEAR OUT OF YOUR TRASH MOUTH,” and that’s when he sets him straight.

the important people in Katsuki’s life never tell him, “hey you need to cool it with the whole winning thing.” All Might and Aizawa never scold him for it, or tell him that he shouldn’t try with everything he has to win, or that wanting to win is a bad thing. on the contrary, they both commend him for it. and ultimately, he’s told by All Might that this desire is actually one of the two fundamental qualities that every great hero needs.

he completely turns the whole thing on its head. not only is it not a bad thing, it’s actually crucial. essential. because what the desire to win really is, at its core, is tenacity. it’s the fiercest kind of determination. it’s not something he should be ashamed of; it’s something that sets him apart, something that makes him worthy. he is someone who refuses to back down no matter what. refuses to give up, no matter what. and this quality, which is initially misunderstood by some to the point where even the villains mistakenly take him for one of their own in the making, is eventually validated to the fullest degree by the person that Katsuki looks up to the most. his desire to win goes from being this awkward “son wtf are you doing” thing to being one of the core philosophies of the series. and ever since then, we pretty much don’t question it.

so why do I bring this up now? well, the answer to that can basically be summed up in one word.

“parallels.”

so here’s the thing. there’s been a lot of talk lately about Deku’s ridiculous, reckless, and absurdly self-destructive desire to save others while having little to no regard for himself. currently he’s lying in a hospital bed, having broken approximately 218 out of the 206 bones in his little hero body (yes, somewhere along the way he found an additional dozen bones to break). it is worrying. it is Concerning. and it’s raised a lot of questions, such as “???” and “wtf is this idiot doing.”

and a lot of people have been pretty critical of him! this is, of course, an ongoing thing with this child, and people have been giving him grief over it going as far back as chapter 6.

while others have been bothered by it going even further back than that.

and I’ve seen these sentiments being echoed pretty frequently in the fandom as well. and there are basically two talking points that I want to address here. the first is the idea that Deku’s aggressive brand of selflessness stems from an inherent lack of self-worth. in other words, because he prioritizes other people’s safety and well-being above his own, and is willing to go to such drastic lengths to save them, there’s this feeling that he doesn’t value himself enough, that he must not care about himself.

but I don’t think that’s quite it. let’s go back to those parallels first, though. let’s take another look at Kacchan.

what I mainly want to call attention to is the intensity here. again, it’s something that at first strikes most readers as being absurdly over the top. the truth is, I think a lot of people simply can’t relate to it. Katsuki cares about winning with a ferocity and a fervor that most people, for better or worse, simply don’t have. I certainly don’t, lol.

but he does. to him it’s not a shallow, superficial thing at all. it’s important to him, perhaps the most important thing. I think we often talk about it in terms of it being a desire, but imo a more accurate way to define it is not as a want, but as a need. in other words, it’s the opposite of the question “what is it this character wants” (i.e. “what is it they can’t live without”)? instead, it’s a question of “what is it they don’t want” (i.e. “what is it they can’t live with”)?

and in Katsuki’s case, the thing he can’t live with is feeling like he hasn’t tried his absolute best. he needs to give his all in everything he does. he wants to win, but winning just on its own is not enough.

it has to be earned. he has to prove to himself and to everyone else that he deserves it. anything less than that is unacceptable. anything less than that, and he can’t be at ease. he can’t be settled. he can’t rest. and so he puts everything he has into winning, even if it means going to extremes. because it’s that important to him.

it’s something that’s at times alarming and even disturbing for others to witness. but nonetheless, it’s a part of who he is, and at the end of the day his teachers accept that, and the story acknowledges that it’s his greatest strength.

so now, to finally bring this back around to Deku, this is what I keep seeing in his character as well. only in his case, the thing he can’t live with is knowing that he didn’t do everything he possibly could to save someone. or to put it another way, Deku, at his core, is someone who cannot rest until he knows that everyone is safe. simple as that. it’s not just a desire to protect people; it’s a need. he needs to know that everyone is safe and protected. otherwise he can’t be at ease. it’s no different from how normal, everyday people aren’t able to feel at ease unless they know that they are safe and that their loved ones are safe. it’s just that in Deku’s case, this same fundamental need extends to everyone, not just himself and his friends and family. everyone. he can’t live with himself knowing that someone was in trouble, and he had the ability to do something to help, but didn’t. and so, if you literally can’t live with not doing something, you basically have no choice but to do it.

and this is what in my opinion defines Deku’s character. Kacchan, in trying to understand it, noted that Deku doesn’t seem to take himself into account. but I think OFA Prime summed it up a little more accurately. “he rages for the sake of others. for them, he does his best until he can do no more. this young man is possessed by a drive to save others that eclipses all common understanding.”

so yeah. it’s not that he doesn’t care about himself at all, it’s that he cares about others even more. he has that same intensity and ferocity towards saving people that Katsuki has towards winning. and just as it was difficult at first for fans to understand Katsuki’s feelings, it’s hard to fathom the sheer depth of that “save everyone” feeling that compels Deku to break his own body in that pursuit. it’s scary, not to mention extremely destructive and dangerous. and so really, it was almost inevitable that there would be some backlash.

but just like Katsuki’s desire to win was ultimately validated in the end, I think Deku’s desire to save others will be as well. in fact it already is being validated, for starters by the other denizens of OFA, led by Lil Bro as mentioned above. let’s go back for a moment to that same scene.

here we get a huge hint that “Deku gets taken down a notch and chewed out and scolded for his recklessness” is not, in fact, the direction that the story is going in. because in general, when the main villain starts mocking the hero and saying that they’ve done something wrong, that’s a very good sign that said hero is actually on the exact right track. like, no offense, but as far as character critiques go, AFO is probably the least qualified person in the entire manga to start offering those up lol. so yeah. if AFO is denouncing Deku for something, and OFA Prime is praising him for that exact same thing, I think it’s safe to say that means he is in fact doing something very, very right.

“okay but makeste, he nearly got himself killed and broke all of his arms AND legs and is now lying in a fucking coma,” you say, gesturing emphatically to the last page of chapter 298. “so I mean, that’s all well and good that Wonder Boy has the best of intentions and all that, but at the end of the day he’s only one kid. he literally can’t save everyone, and if he pulls one or two more stunts like this, he’s going to get himself killed.”

and okay, but this here is the other talking point that I wanted to address. because it’s true, Deku does need to learn a specific lesson here. but that lesson is NOT that he can’t save everyone. this is a superhero story, guys -- “you can’t save everyone” is never going to be the underlying message, ever. it’s the OPPOSITE of the message. Deku is the hero because he tries to save everyone. because he doesn’t give up on saving people no matter what. that is literally the core of the story. it has been since the very first chapter.

so then what is it that Deku actually needs to learn here? well, once again, it all comes back to those parallels.

btw, I really just love how he’s carrying Katsuki there lol. he’s just so done with him.

but anyway. so, the final exam arc. Katsuki initially wants to win at all costs -- but there’s a hitch. because even though he wants to win, he refuses to do so while working with Deku. enter Deku’s left hook, and one impromptu Rival Encouragement Speech later, our boy has thankfully come to his senses.

but here’s the point -- the lesson here wasn’t “you can’t always win.” rather, the lesson that Katsuki needed to learn was that you can’t always win alone.

yeah. so now you can see what I’m getting at here.

“...on your own.”

that’s the key. this is the one and only thing that Deku actually needs to get into his head. wanting to save everyone is fine! his will to save others has never been a weakness -- it’s been the most admirable thing about him from day one. it’s what makes him strong. it’s why All Might chose him. it’s why OFA has chosen him. it’s what sets him apart, and I firmly believe it’s what will ultimately help him save the day and defeat AFO as well. because what other character would look at Shigaraki Tomura, the person who just impaled his friend and destroyed an entire city, and instinctively reach out a hand to try and save him? and if you don’t think that’s going to wind up being key to the final battle, you and I have very different ideas about this series’ endgame.

Deku’s determination to save everyone isn’t arrogance or futility. it is and always has been his greatest strength. but what he’s missing now, what he needs to learn, is simply to trust. y’all might have seen that theory about the Fourth’s quirk, and why All Might was so hesitant to tell Deku about it. basically, the theory (which is based on an attempted translation of the crossed-out parts of All Might’s OFA notebook) goes that the Spidey Sense was so overwhelming that the Fourth -- whose cause of death was one of the things crossed out -- eventually couldn’t bear it, and went to live alone in the middle of the woods somewhere. and possibly wound up killing himself?? all of which is just speculation right now of course. but it makes sense. and it would certainly explain why All Might, being all too aware of Deku’s self-destructive tendencies, would keep that from him.

but if this is the case, that means it’s clear that the Fourth’s solution didn’t work. “give up and accept that you can’t save everyone” clearly is NOT the answer to be had here.

the answer is trust. trust that his fellow heroes have his back. trust that they’ll be able to help him reach the people he’s not able to reach on his own. trust that they can work together to save everyone. that he doesn’t have to rest the entire world on his shoulders alone.

it’s the one lesson that All Might, his predecessor and his teacher, never learned himself until it was too late. but of course, All Might never had a prickly and determined rival who was ready to step in and deal out some tough love if need be. a rival who, perhaps, just might soon get a chance to repay an old favor.

“I don’t wanna hear you say you can’t save someone.”

I’m just saying. just as Deku has been watching Katsuki all this time, and admiring his determination to win, and emulating it himself, so has Katsuki recently begun to emulate Deku’s determination to save others. we’ve seen it not just in his recent act of self-sacrifice, but even in little things like his habits and tricks of speech. just like Katsuki is Deku’s image of victory, Deku is becoming Katsuki’s image of saving others.

and so I’ll bet you anything that if Deku ever starts to doubt himself, or starts feeling like his dream and desires are futile, Kacchan will be there to set him straight with a good old fashioned Rival Encouragement Speech of his own. possibly with his own left hook to match, though his left shoulder is currently out of sorts atm so he might need to modify that approach a little bit. but the point is, he’ll be there. and he will not allow Deku to give up on himself. he will be there to remind him that he doesn’t have to face this alone.

so yeah! finally managed to wrap up my giant Deku meta which I’ve been working on for ages and rewritten like fifteen times lmao. just in time for this to be relevant for all of a day, probably, depending on what happens once chapter 279 drops lol. but yeah. tl;dr, local boy tries to do too much, but his heart is in the right place, and hopefully all he really needs is a good pep talk from his tsundere bff to set him to rights again. r.i.p. to the Fourth, but he’s different.

[makiema]

finally finished writing about how much stormbringer enhances the skk dynamic which was at a nascent stage in Fifteen and anticipates the developments which happen later and culminate in Dead Apple where the faith they have in each other is absolutely remarkable! the fact that i said i’d do this in a few hours yesterday but it took me like 24 hrs to finish i have an attention span of a whole 2 minutes 💀

my favorite thing about stormbringer is that it actually builds up on the concepts/themes introduced in Fifteen so it's a glimpse into what has changed in dazai and dazai & dhuuya after one year of being together. As much as it's about chuuya confronting his past and his identity this is also about dazai’s development from who he was in fifteen. chuuya and rimbaud both left their marks on dazai and in Stormbringer we see him, actually trying to emulate or follow in a sense a way of life, that chuuya and rimbaud represented. Stormbringer is not just about chuuya, abt his test of humanity, or he coming in terms with who or what he is. it's about dazai too. it's about dazai developing or at least attempting to develop what he calls “boyish”/ “ordinary” in Fifteen. its not about chuya having an identity crisis. in fact what we understand from Code 04's last section is that chuuya never considered it as his crisis and neither did dazai. so to dazai “saving chuuya is important, human or not doesn't matter” and when dazai gives chuuya time to think abt what the operation will cost him chuuya doesnt so much as flinch form his purpose. This goes on to show unlike verlaine he doesnt care about memory and certainly doesnt consider it as the only determinant of someone being human. He cares more abt yokohama and his friends and in that, in caring abt his “family”, he is just as human as the next person. whether he’s factually human or not comes secondary to his desire to save people. This is a message that the quality of being human has more to do with embodying human qualities or humanity than having memories and lineage. so yeah stormbringer is essentially about embracing humanity but this happens on 2 levels: both chuuya and dazai embrace humanity. Going back to the boyish or ordinary bit, im talking abt this segment:

here dazai is shocked because he assumed everyone “gangsta” and everyone crazy powerful delighted in homicide, in deliberately indulging in the macabre. but he is proved wrong. He logically concluded that anyone with power more than average and belonging to the underground would kill people and delight in that because it’s a given they lack any kind of moral understanding. To that end, they’d be exalted at the prospect of relentlessly shooting a dead body, mutilating it and dishonoring it. The mafia code (any general mafia code) works in a way where honor and death goes hand in hand. So only the lowest of the low would do that to a dying person, who even when faced with certain death is loyal to his own organisation. This really shows that even within the mafia dazai is the only person whos like the devil incarnate. So yeah dazai at this sate far lower than even a mafia member. But chuuya who actually embodiess the mafia code and is incredibly loyal to his organisation and “family” [ putting family in quotes bc he himself calls his friends family 🥺] ofc kicks the gun away. From dazai’s pov chuuya being as insanely powerful as he is should also do the same. But chuuya comes along and suggests that even enemies should be shown respect where it’s due. And that is what an ordinary person, oblivious to mafia life (mafia life as in waht dazai makes of it) thinks. So in undermining the binary between “ordinary” and “mafia” chuuya proves that being mafia doesnt necessarily mean selling your soul to the devil and giving up the last smidge of humanity. In fact by embodying qualities like compassion and kindness and mutual respect, you can make the mafia a better place for yourself and for the other members. Now in Stormbringer, we see how this affected dazai. here dazai is introduced as someone mercilessly killing to set up the channel. 

Now to expand the channel one would need to keep doing it right? To mercilessly kill ppl and stuff but instead what he does is hand the channel over to chuuya bc he knows chuuya wouldnt handle it like him. im not suggesting that dazai miraculously becomes v good or anything with dazai the key words is “try” or “to some extent” like in Fifteen when Chuuya asks “do u wanna live” he’s like “ not to that extent”. similarly its not to say he doesnt kill people anymore. it is that he tries to lessen the number of casualties by handing over one of the most troublesome channels to chuuya who would manage it in a much more humane way. That dazai draws from his friends/at least tries to is smth we’ll see again later on when he deals with akutagawa. He talks about odasaku and ofc its baffling to him that a mafia member as powerful as him would be taking acre of orphans. and dazai says but he cant afford to be that kind and proceeds to shoot akutagswa but again does so in a calculated way such that he doesnt end up killing him ( im NOT justifying dazai’s abuse not at all im just saying that its hard to believe he coincidentally knew the exact no of bullets that aku could block. and had odasaku’s words and his way of life not been in the back of his mind he could’ve ended up killing aku) coming back to chuuya and dazai we also see him avoiding further conversation on the jewelry channel thing as he says “leave that for now”. He does a similar thing again when mori brings up the concept of double suiciding with chuuya.

 Its a HUGE thing for him to digest that him suiciding would inevitably spell the doom for chuuya. this puts an unimaginable responsibility on him. And he avoids further discussion on this. Now we know dazai is the rambly type. Even in the most dire moments he goe son with his LOONG monologues so really he is the last person who’d avoid a conversation but he deliberately does it in these 2 instances because its hard for him to grasp these things. That he can go against his nature and do a conscientious thing by handing over one of the most grisly channels to chuuya (i dont think dazai’s nature is evil. Or even if it is, its a a social construct keeping in mind the war ravaged times or its mori’s construct because he does exploit dazai to the hilt. but dazai ofc thinks of himself as non-human, devious. perfectly devilish...etc.) And also the fact that someone as suicidal as him is actually responsible for the life of someone else is really too much to take in. a whole 10 seconds pause indicates just how much he was thrown off when mori opened his eyes to the reality of things: if he dies, chuuya inexorably dies as a consequence. also i dont think the “wow” here or the next bit :

is something jokey. if it was like haha double suicide with chuuya is the worst haha wanna do it w pretty lady kind of a deal. that pause would have been unnecessary. dazai’s immediate reaction would’ve been whining and shit. the use of “froze” too implies the gravity of the situation. so ofc what is “wow” is how much meaning his life has for someone else. and for some so much....better than him. and what is unacceptable is this sad, sad truth that his life (to which he ascribes no value) would be so inextricably linked with someone else’s and hold so much meaning to them. it is like when a suicidal person at the brink of suicide understanding his life is not his own. his life and death holds consequences for ppl surrounding him. so both of these are huge things to grasp and at both these times dazai is visibly shaken up so much so that he doesnt want to do his favorite thing- ramble in a condescending tone. smth he does in so many instances. this really is a testimony to the fact that things are changing in him. the redemption process has begun. he’s no longer the kind of maniac he was before he encountered chuuya. when zuko underwent his transition in atla he was so shaken up after one (1) right decision he had a fever. i think this is true for anyone who’s trying to change. change is after all a huge thing for everyone. ofc he’ll be unsettled. so anyways this is proof that he has indeed come a long way from being someone who revelled at the prospect of meaningless bloodshed.

now coming to the concept of love he assumes he’d get sick of love and die:

and that death is the singular goal worth chasing after because it makes you feel more alive/get a fuller picture of what living entails. but here he is erring by supposing love is something that’ll bore him/have no meaning. and it cant provide him that “something” he’s looking for. at this point he hasn’t loved so he doesnt know whether he’ll be sick of it or if it'll have no impact. And yet he’s morose and regretful. this is a kind of self-imposed constraint hes putting on himself. he cancels out the v idea of love because hes convinced it isnt worth it. he hasnt even been in love okay scratch being in love that sounds romantic and i really dont mean love in a romantic sense here...its just love. in general. any form is cool. anyway so dazai is not familiar with any kind of love. He is entirely alien to the concept. he doesnt even know what a friend/partner is so he doesnt know what love is. this is cleared out here when rimbaud confesses he did everything for paul and dazai is unconvinced:

chuuya ofc admonishes him and shuts him up for good, he says dazai has no right lookind down upon smth he doesnt understand. he doesnt understand friendship, love. or loyalty. or how important those feelings are at this point. now this situation is turned on its head in stormbringer. but before we go into that let’s look at the message rimbaud had for both of them. ik he specifically asks for chuuya to “live” but there’s purpose behind including both of them in the frame. it’s a message they should both take to heart. and at the end of it its implied both are changed after hearing it:

and in this message the first bit is for chuuya. what he says is basically memory doesn’t make u human... ”you are you” just a frame or not doesnt matter. and even if hes just a frame, he is still beautiful. beauty actually is a v important concept in literature starting right from Plato to Shakespeare. i’d not bring this here but because bsd is so deeply rooted in literature i feel like the reference to beauty, and later on to soul and even warmth and also the universal tone of this message carries some meaning. so the thing is  both Plato and Shakespeare were endorsed the idea of love as a force awakened in the world by beauty which then leads the soul to perfection. so humans and by extension, all life are beautiful frames that can inspire love. this concept is also there in Romantic poetry like Keats and Wordsworth all of them talked about loving beauty in nature and how that can elevate the body mind and soul. so essentially in telling this to chuuya what ehe basically means is that chuuya just by being him, by being a beautiful framework can inspire love and warmth in others and thats a great purpose! how much chuuya understands of this purpose with his one (1) braincell and his low self esteem is questionable but he gets some sense of belonging. now this is a two way relationship so ofc dazai has to be factored in. he comes in the next part: 

these are from 2 different translation so the disparity im sorry ;-; but anyway,  this last part abt the world being a cold place. then paul. then “warmth” is a message to dazai who’s been introduced to us as cold-hearted and having like no bearings of a human being. this is the reason why its important for both o f them to be there. now going back to chuuya being a beautiful framework, the framework can be beautiful in so far as its beauty is appreciate by someone and inspires warmth and love in someone. this again is the whole beauty/beholder nature/the romantic concept that is there in shakespeare and in Romantic poetry where both are a part of a codependent relationship. so what rimbaud implies here is that dazai can have that kind of a relationship with another person (chuuya) just like rimbaud had with paul which makes him warm and the world doesnt feel cold anymore. rimbaud has no regrets about what he did because. so the idea is that dazai and chuuya can share the same dynamic. also after this, the narrative says that their hearts are now changed and wont return to what they were before....and even their souls are refined in a way. but in Fifteen we dont have a concrete proof of how this happened bc the novel ends at this point. Instead, Stormbringer shows exactly how deep the impact of those words is: 

this is the third instance of dazai showing hesitation and once again this has to do with chuuya. the seed of the dynamic that rimbaud was talking about  is already germinating in him. his reactions, his fidgeting, his hesitancy, in response to chuuya’s situation is such a big contrast to his cocksure self when he’s conversing with adam and verlaine. after this of course we have: 

not only does he clearly express his concern but he gives chuuya 2 whole mins to make a decision and based on that he’s prepared to overturn the operation. the success rate of an alternative plan will ofc be lesser than the og one but that doesnt faze dazai. he’s ready to turn the tide for chuuya’s sake and if this is not development idk what is. just a year ago, he was someone to whom the concept of rimbaud going thru all that trouble for his friend was a lost concept. ironically enough, now he finds himself doing something that is along the same lines. he puts chuuya above his mission. to him, chuuya is more important than getting a satisfactory result. another bit that i wanna talk abt is that one controversial section where dazai says he’ll save chuuya, human or not, and then the justification is: 

i think a lot of people got mad bc of this and honestly at first glance i was peeved too. as a chuuya stan some of the shit dazai has done so far did rub me the wrong way. i love skk obv but still those were moments that kind of left a bad taste in the mouth. i’ll discuss them later on bc stormbringer helps allay that feeling. coming back to the “i wanna see chuuya suffer” part firstly context is important. ofc someone like dazai cant be expected to be upfront about his feelings with ppl (or AI) he barely knows. so what be relays to adam, is only partly true and its actually a kind of a twist in concept. the things is, and this is  smth dazai knows all too well is that ppl suffer simply on account of being human. human suffering is brought on because humans, by virtue of being humans, feel. so when he says he’s willing to acknowledge chuuya as human despite what N and Verlaine said he’s already admitting that chuuya suffers. so there is really nothing “new” to see for him. he knows chuuya suffers already and he does too because they’re both humans trying to make it thru their messed up lives. also chuuya “ceasing to be human” is a p huge concern for him bc he himself is like that. just like with the suicide thing, it bothers dazai when someone else shares his situation/his fate like as long as his life is his own, he has no problem ending it whenever but the situation is complicated when someone else’s life span is determined by that decision. and similarly, as long as he is “no longer human” its not that much of an issue because he’s like resigned to a doomed fate but someone like chuuya ceasing to be human or worse yet never getting to know if hes human or not are pressing matters. so anyways what he actually means here is that in saving chuuya, he saves someone who suffers just like he does and in their case, even the cause of suffering boils down to a shared psychological conflict: what essentially constitutes being human and if im human or not. now this sharing of pain and suffering is the foundation of forming a connection with someone, which makes life a little better. here again, what rimaud imparted to dazai and chuuya is driven home. also dazai’s key anxiety is not finding meaning/anything. this “anything” can be assumed to be something that justifies life. so all his anxiety and frustration stems from the fact that there really is no discernible meaning to be found in the mechanism of life. so it is an empty pursuit because it is true that nothing can explain why feelings of pain and suffering are exponentially heavier than feelings of happiness or why after getting to experience one (1) free day we’re back to square one where life is grueling. these are questions that really dont have an answer so every time dazai like gazes into the abyss and says he didnt  find anything, he is not so much asking if he’ll ever find anything as swallowing the hard truth that there is nothing to be found, no singular entity exists that can magically justify everything. again drawing upon literature or philosophy more specifically, there’s a concept called Absurdism which says the only philosophical truth so to say is this that life is absurd and looking for meaning is futile. instead what we can do is accept that it is absurd and deal with it in the best way possible, by finding little sources and moments of happiness, and strewing them together so we feel somewhat content. even if it is just for a fleeting second. and this happiness/contentment amidst a wretched life (altho temporal) can be found in friendship, in sharing, and even in having fun with people you’re comfortable with! this is actually why dazai wants to save chuuya and now it may seem like im interpreting his words through the shipping lens but thats not so and it can be corroborated by looking into dazai’s words to odasaku. after chuuya, dazai’s next attempt at friendship was odasaku who he found “interesting”. now when odasaku sort of like threw hands and chose death over having to live a life without the orphans, dazai tried to stop him not by saying stuff like life is good. and things will def change for the better. but instead he admits that living is hard and the sense of void is ubiquitous and yet he doesnt want him to  up and die because then he would be sad. because the little comfort that he got from odasaku and something he probably assumed odasaku also got from him would be gone. [how much odasaku considered dazai a source of comfort remains unclear. in fact the reason odasaku gave up and died was because he did not have this. this feeling of sharing in someone else’s suffering and seeking comfort in friends in the real world. instead he was too vested in his ideal world. his over reliance on an entirely idealistic concept is actually what pushed him over the edge. and this would have been the case for dazai too had he not encountered and sought comfort and companionship in chuuya and eventually in odasaku ] so this again goes on to show how rimbaud’s words changed dazai’s heart. and in a way dazai really has been doing this unconsciously form the v beginning like by teasing chuuya continually in Fifteen. you dont expect someone as cold as him to indulge in friendly bickering and taunting so often but he does. that there is significance and even happiness in that is something he learns over time, after rimbaud’s words to him. although these things seem futile on the surface they give a moment’s respite. so although chuuya spinning dazai on a rope in stormbringer might seem weird to everyone, they still serve a purpose:  

what shirase puts forward is particularly relevant here because neither dazai nor chuuya is fully aware of the extent of their feelings (or even what those feelings are like they dont know what label to put. so typical oblivious lovers) for each other or what they stand to gain just by driving each other nuts but there is something intangible but satisfying to be felt. a kind of contentment that helps him continue. one day at a time. there is no one great “thing” that can make him like wake up one day feeling like he doesnt want to die ever again. but again like i said before, the key word for dazai is “extent” so, these little things to some extent contribute to a sense of fulfilment which helps him keep death at bay. thats why he’s bent on saving chuuya bc he knows they can share in their suffering and make life better for each other. its not like he wants chuuya to suffer. chuuya will suffer nonetheless like every other human. but in suffering together there is something to be found so he doesnt want him to cease being human. 

this covers more or less the intertextuality between Stormbringer and Fifteen. i just wanna talk a bit more about a couple other moments in Stormbringer that i feel are p important because they put some things in the series in perspective and also made the dead apple moment 10x more emotional 🥺 one thing that really strikes me is the absolute fanon level of comfort that dazai and chuuya share in Strombringer. its like scenes form k-drama lol. 

so yeah this stuff. compare this with dazai’s reaction @atsushi when he drops im not saying that its not just a joke and that what im saying should be the right way to look at this contrast. its not like that at all. but what this does is give an estimate to the readers just how close and comfortable dazai feels when its chuuya. and this plus everything i rambling on abt for so long also gives us an estimate about the sincerity of dazais feelings. now 2 things always bothered me : the fact that dazai actually left chuuya and the fact that after the fight against lovecraft he actualy deserted him (this again can ofc be construed as just a humorous bit but still it did leave a bad taste in my mouth) dazai leaving the mafia is ofc something he had to do to fulfil oda’s dying wish but it still dint sit right with me that he would abandon chuuya. just like oda levaing is harder on dazai, dazai leaving is harder on chuuya. its always harder on the one left behind. so anyway, these sorts of things sometimes made me doubt dazai’s feelings but now that stormbringer clears it all up i do think there is a larger motif at work here. when mori offers dazai to come back to the mafia in s2 we see him saying that it was mori who kicked him out and that he did so because he was afraid dazai would usurp his position. so he set it up in a way that dazai would be forced to leave but on his own accord. now more than usurpation i believe what mori really did fear is that dazai had no allegiance to the mafia (which is actually true) bc he doesnt have that sense of loyalty and that to him his friends were more important than swearing allegiance to mori. (which again is true). so by getting oda killed, the message that mori seemed to be giving out was if dazai didnt leave he would do it again. and if we consider ango’s betrayal which had already transpired at that point, the one mori would next target to sort of get at dazai would inevitably be chuuya. this is only conjecture but still, i do believe this might as well be true because then it would explain why dazai didnt carry chuuya back to the base after their fight [something he was v comfortable doing in Stormbringer. in fact in the first case he carries chuuya back to the billiards bar and not to the mafia’s base so he could hear albatross’ last words 🥺] its because mori needs to know unlike dazai, chuuya is absolutely loyal to him which regrettably he is. it kinda becomes imperative therefore on part of dazai to make it seem that way to mori. that they really are at each others throats and that dazai is insignificant to chuuya. and that the mafia comes before dazai. (which is not true bc we see chuuya protecting his friend [shirase] while also staying loyal to the mafia in Stormbringer) 

mori also in his own way tries to provoke hostility b/w them like in Dead Dpple when he was all like yeah so dazai is the star and chuuya is merely bait. so it kinda makes sense if dazai left the mafia not only to like do good work but also to protect chuuya from mori. also the fact that chuuya did the same thing— left the Sheep and joined PM to protect Shirase from the mafia makes be believe that my speculation is plausible given all the parallels we find between dazai and chuuya. 

and the last bit is about the brilliant Dead Apple scene and how much added context it gets in light of Stormbringer. 

in this scene dazai first says: “you used Corruption believing in me?” and then the translation is “how beautiful” which is an okay translation but the exact thing dazai said was “nakasetekurerune” which literally is : youre gonna make me cry you know? now my knowledge of japanese is like duolingo level but i do know “nakasete” has to do with crying and “kureru” is used by the receiver to indicate he’s receiving a feeling/object from someone close. so basically chuuya trusting him is something so beautiful that it could almost move him to tears. now lets look at dazai’s intro in Stormbringer:

dazai, being dazai, ofc would be able to tell genuine trust from fealty out of fear so ofc the fact that chuuya has this kind of blind faith in him is overwhelming for him. also stormbringer really expands on the sight effects of Corruption in full detail. its so PAINFUL and to think that chuuya would jump into it right away for dazai’s sake.....no wonder he is so soft when deactivating him. and then he proceeds to flirt for a little bit with the Snow White and the kiss of life reference. but this flirting doesnt seem even a little out of place now. it doesn't feel like smth meaningless or smth that dazai is just saying as a joke. that there is absoluetly no subtext to making a statement like that. instead that kind of flirting feels like smth inspired from a deep, deep familiarity with someone who really shares his heart and soul. when he talks to chuuya abt the problem of not knowing whether he is human or not, it is a problem that is as central to him as it’s to chuuya. not feeling fully reconciled to a human identity is a problem thats fundamental to both of them. I don’t think familiarity gets any deeper than this where you share the exact same psychological problem. so its really wonderful how we can trace the skk development now: what starts out as a crush on part of dazai or not a crush exactly rather, a feeling of perplexed admiration because chuuya is breathtakingly beautiful inside out, eventually gain all these layers and develops into something meaningful where they have so much faith in each other and where they literally help each other live. knowing someone out there shares your exact issue so you’re really not alone in this is perhaps the greatest comfort in the world. also now its clear how both of them would have turned out had they not met each other and had they not taken in rimbaud’s advice. chuuya in his desire to learn about himself and frustration at not being able to do the same would have perhaps spiralled downward and ended up becoming like verlaine. he is his double here after all. and had dazai not seen chuuya up close being the wonderful person he is, he too would have probably ended up developing a god complex and becoming like fyodor. dazai is there to save chuuya literally from dying a monster and chuuya is there to remind him he too can try and mend his ways and embrace his human side. after all chuuya has so much trust him in! (despite him having questionable methods) for both of them, it starts out as an attempt to be more human, then establishing a fruitful partnership, and finally coming in terms with their feelings to some extent. for dazai, he’s comfortable enough to engage in occasional flirting at this point and for chuuya it’s playing along with dazai’s antics (well with the ones he get 💀 pretty boy has half a functional braincell) and openly showing his concern for him. so really by confirming their feelings what strombringer does is enhance the skk development in a way that Dead Apple doesnt seem like fan service anymore. the fact that dazai would casually flirt or be comfortable with chuuya landing on his crotch 💀 all that isnt as ridiculous as it first seemed because stormbringer lays the groundwork and anticipates all the intimate/flirty skk moments that have happened till now and ig will happen again soon.