#apologies if this is rambly and unstructured

[shiraishi--kanade]

Welcome back! It's an honour being your first ask!

Now onto business, hope you don't mind: I've seen some people around saying that Taiga never cared for An to begin with. Obviously, my first instinct was to say that An is Taiga's niece and he did care but... To what extent? His acts were only caused by grief as a sort of "necessary evil", but just how much did he care if he destroyed Vivid Street and vbs in such gruesome ways?

I couldn't pull any proof by myself so I wanted to ask you instead! What do you think?

Hoc you are my first follower twice now (thrice if you also count my main account), and I believe you've actually got to send the first ask twice as well - one of those asks was just shorter so I opted answering it before yours. It's actually hilarious.

As for the question... Very, very tough to answer this. This is also something I choose to believe we'll find out more about in An5, but for now I will say this: he did care. He just didn't care as much as others thought, we thought, and most importantly, as An thought. But he did care. He just cared about his own ideals and emotions more.

Here's why I think so, although bear in mind it practically borders on theory territory because of how little we actually know about Taiga's inner thoughts.

1) He knows singing is An's coping mechanism, and he urges her to use it.

This is something that we, of course, see with our own eyes for basically the entire An's storyline - at the very least, since An2. An also openly states it herself... In Vivid Old Tale second sidestory!

Quite fitting.

Those are nearly the first and only words Taiga directs to An after telling her the news. Sing it out. You know you want to.

This is vague, and it can be interpreted differently, but this is what I can see here, at least. He wants An to sing. He challenges everyone, but he wants An, An specifically, to fight him - with all that anger and distress she's got, and showed him a second ago. She blows up at Taiga and Taiga immediately says: redirect that into your singing.

And he is not wrong.

2) He knows exactly where An's roadblock lies, and pushes her to break through it (in the worst possible ways).

Since Resonant Town at least, we have a very consistent topic with An: she struggles with her singing, and she feels stuck as her teammates are moving forward. At the same time, her teammates are all going through... Discovering their feelings, as well. Kohane in Kick it Up a Notch, Touya with composing since Walk On and On but moreso in The First Concerto, and Akito in Burn My Soul; all of those have to do with feelings. And for all, ultimately, accepting and embracing those feelings, whatever they are, leads to a breakthrough.

An is the only one who has not done it yet. She is avoiding it, she's avoiding all of it as hard as she can, believing that singing more and more is the only solution to her problem - but she is stuck.

But in Resonant Town, we also see something interesting: An actually sings... Very differently when she allows her singing to speak through her song. That yearning, desperation, struggle - it colors her singing. Is it better? Up to debate, but I believe if Shiho has heard both that version of An and then her usual singing, controlled and devoid of those emotions, and found that something is lacking, and then L/N Miku echoed her sentiment as well... Then yes, I believe that An Shiraishi is An's true potential.

Then, there's this moment in Light Up the Fire; yet again, An tries to avoid confronting her feelings. The moment she tries to do that, she crumbles: Taiga then notices that and provokes her further. He says things that he knows will hurt, because he wants it to hurt; and he wants An to sing with that hurt, because that's what she should allow herself to do if she wants to have the power to surpass Rad Weekend.

Once again, he is proven right. It's very likely that this is the direction An's arc will go to: accept that grief, anger, fury, everything, and sing with it, not despite it.

3) He does care about other members of the team, as well.

Some less, some more; I think he cares most about Arata both because he's given him advice twice and because he sees himself in Arata. The advice he's given to him is something that Taiga himself took to heart; something that he believes has made him strong.

But: the fact that the battle happened at all is a sign that Taiga at least isn't indifferent towards An, and the rest of them. He wants them to surpass RW, to follow through Nagi's wish; if he hadn't, he would've just stepped aside and let them struggle and ultimately fail. They needed this - this push - to understand what they were lacking.

It doesn't mean he is not an asshole. It also doesn't mean he isn't cruel. But ultimately, an answer to your question: Taiga cared.

It can be argued he's done that for Nagi's sake, too, and not his wish alone. It's a very solid opinion as well, and I think a truthful one. But Taiga is also someone who ultimately didn't care enough about what Nagi wanted, too: this is important. He wouldn't have done something just because of that - for Taiga to do something, he has to have at least some personal stake in the matter.

I think he got attached to VBS and their team, despite trying to be skeptical: that attachment led him to do things he did, but he also resented it, because he didn't want to believe that Nagi was right about future generations; he still wanted to achieve their dream by himself, not pass it over to some strangers. He believes that he alone deserves to carry it, and seeing them come so close they might actually reach out to it is the main source of his anger and cruelty - not his grief alone. Part of him wanted to kick VBS and the team down so hard they wouldn't recover, proving that desire to carry on by himself right; but a part of him... Well, a lot of inner battles going in that man's mind, I'm sure.

I didn't think he ever cared about An as much as Ken did, or as much as Nagi did; my controversial opinion is that he didn't have to. At the end of the day, An is not his child, and is not a child he is obligated to support in any way that is beyond basic civility to her. For Taiga, An is just a friend's kid and Nagi's niece, not really his. And I can't argue with that, honestly; he and An just had... Different perception about who's who in their lives. That's upsetting, but before Taiga did something that horrible, I couldn't blame him for that.

I don't know if there was genuine care in there, to be honest. But I think there was definitely attachment and a little bit of hope. But above all that, there was selfishness - and once again, this is the overarching theme of VBS - and that was the reason Taiga did what he did.

Thanks for the ask! :D

[sugardollcurse]

hi love! honestly i don’t at all remember what my last ask was—apologies if it was bad 💔 how would you feel about doing preferences of all the lads being with a hippie girl?

𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒍𝒆𝒔 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒂 𝒉𝒊𝒑𝒑𝒊𝒆 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍

꒰ pairing ꒱ paul mccartney x fem!reader, john lennon x fem!reader, george harrison x fem!reader, ringo starr x fem!reader

꒰ note ꒱ hi sweetpea! no worries at all, your asks are always lovely!!! truly, you never miss ♡♡ the term “hippie” didn’t come into popular use until around 1967 during the counterculture movement so this is like.. a bit after that!!

꒰ JOHN ꒱

"I’d rather wear flowers in my hair than a crown on my head."

John doesn’t just fall for you, he spirals.

It’s like you open a trapdoor in his head and suddenly he’s floating: freer, lighter, more curious than he’s felt in years.

You don’t laugh at his new spiritual phases or the way he talks in spirals about peace and revolution and love.

You add to the conversation and it drives him wild.

When you're lying on his floor painting murals in silence, barefoot and lost in thought, he watches you like you’re the only real thing in the room.

He was cynical about labels at first, “hippies, mods, it’s all just uniforms, innit?”

But with you, he saw past the surface.

You weren’t pretending. You meant it.

He wants to match the integrity you carry in your chest like fire.

You’re the only person who could calm his anger with a sentence.

Or set it alight in the right direction.

He writes songs about you that sound like dreams half-remembered.

You open up a softer version of John.

꒰ PAUL ꒱

“You’re like a daisy in a bloody thunderstorm, love.”

Paul is endlessly enchanted by your peacefulness.

You don’t push him; you let him come to you, like a bird to an open hand.

He jokes that you’re like a little woodland creature when he first sees you barefoot in the garden, talking to bees and naming trees.

He’s drawn to your unstructured days and spiritual mutterings, even if he doesn’t quite understand it.

You’re not trying to escape reality, you’re building a better one inside it.

You teach him to slow down, to notice the birdsong between takes, to value the sunrise as much as the spotlight.

He adores your style. The long skirts, beads, scarves tied in your hair, he’ll often “borrow” your accessories for photoshoots.

He’s the first to build you a little greenhouse or studio to “do your earthy things in.”

He draws flowers on your bare back with his fingertip while you lie in the grass.

When you turn around, he says, “I’ve got a whole garden growin’ in me chest just from lovin’ you.”

꒰ GEORGE ꒱

“You've got a better understanding of the divine than most priests, y’know.”

George got it. Immediately.

The incense, the barefoot grounding, the eastern philosophies, you were already living what he was studying.

He admired your gentleness. How you listened before you spoke. How you sat with pain and didn’t flinch.

He was always the most spiritually attuned of the boys, so your quiet reverence for nature and music and meaning strikes him like a tuning fork to the soul.

Your love isn’t loud. It’s built in glances, in hands grazing as you pass, in a shared breath after a long meditation.

You both believe in past lives, and George is absolutely convinced you’ve known each other before.

You don’t disagree.

He lives for your garden days, where he watches you tend to plants like they’re your children.

Sometimes he joins you, dirt under his nails, quiet smile on his face.

꒰ RINGO ꒱

"I like how you smell like grass and strange perfume. It’s nice."

Ringo is in awe of you.

He doesn't always understand your herbalism books or your cosmic ramblings, but he loves the way you light up when you talk about them.

You make flower crowns and plop them on his head mid-breakfast.

He loves it.

He brings you wildflowers from gas station stops like they’re diamonds.

“They were growin’ out of the carpark, thought of you.”

He never thought much about that counterculture stuff before you came along, but now he’s rearranging his flat so the light hits your dreamcatcher just right.

You like that he doesn’t try to be deep.

He is deep in his own way.

Ringo sees everything, even when he doesn’t talk about it.

You spend lazy afternoons painting each other's faces or lying in the garden naming clouds.

taglist: @sharksausages, @wavvytin, @wimpyvamps, @finallyforgotten, @lennongirlieee, @silly-lil-lee

[flightlessfinch]

a bit about ASPD and BPD in my fic, unspeakable:

(unstructured rambling that touches on empathy differences, maladaptive coping mechanisms, identity, blame, self-perception, splitting, delusional grandiosity, deceit, sensation seeking, differences in morality, violence, criminal deviance, loneliness, etc) tw: mentions of self-harm.

one of the most interesting aspects of james and reg’s relationship in unspeakable, to me, might be their conflicting personality disorders. there are a lot of differences and similarities (similarities like—chronic feelings of emptiness, reactivity, poor emotional regulation, impulsivity, being perceived as manipulative, etc) between ASPD and BPD, but one contrast that is very striking to me is the way blame and self perception seem to work entirely in opposition.

with aspd the blame is generally externalized. as in: “if there is a conflict, if something goes wrong, if someone is hurt, it is the other person’s fault.” the absence of remorse or responsibility is pronounced. it’s not even malicious. it’s a difference in perception. regulus genuinely believes it. “if you’re hurt, it’s your fault.” and if that deflection doesn’t work, and he’s not masking, he would say, “if i hurt you, you deserved it.” with aspd there can be this inherent and kind of delusional feeling of grandiosity or specialness. like, “whatever i do, there is no possible way for me to fail. whatever i do is the right thing to do because i’m so smart. if i explained this to them they would understand. the rules don’t apply to me because i’m not like other people.” which is part of the reason he keeps getting caught lying.

regulus is a pathological liar and he’s never going to change because every single time he gets caught he doesn’t think in terms of:

“i did something wrong by lying.”

he thinks in terms of:

“i did something wrong by getting caught lying.”

that is how he feels every single time he gets caught doing something wrong, or someone gets upset with him for something he’s done. his capacity for remorse is very low.

another important difference is: for people with aspd, despite the feelings of a lack of a sense of self, or emptiness, their sense of identity is pretty ironclad. regulus’ self-perception is almost always exactly the same. no matter what anyone says to him.

with james it’s very different.

because james’ sense of identity is always in flux he relies a lot on external factors in his life to determine who he is and what he wants and how he feels about other people, the way his brain works is basically:

“who i am is how i am treated. who you are is how you are treating me right now.”

which, when paired with regulus’ inherent, “if i hurt you, you deserved it.” mindset… yikes. no wonder they are always fighting. their brains are basically wired to be opposites in a lot of ways. james also does the “it’s all your fault, you meant to hurt me, you didn’t make a mistake, you’re malicious, you’re evil” thing when he is splitting but he’s more prone to blame himself, and he’s kind of self-aware that he’s not seeing regulus clearly afterwards when he’s more emotionally stable and not so elevated.

there is no clarity for regulus. he just always thinks like that unless someone tells him otherwise, and even when someone tells him he’s not seeing things clearly his grandiosity makes him unreceptive to actually listening to them. he’ll smile and nod and apologize but he basically never actually means it. he just knows the right things to say to people to make them less upset with him.

people with BPD generally have an elevated sense of empathy (with a bias toward detecting negative emotion in micro-expressions from what i remember) and people with ASPD generally have low empathy, which is why regulus can’t fully and truly comprehend why hurting people is really bad. there is a theory that people with aspd (particularly those with characteristics of psychopathy) don’t really see/understand the distinction between hurting someone and breaking a social rule like: don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t hurt people. it all has the same weight. it’s just a thing they are taught is bad. but there haven’t been very many studies on aspd and morality (that i could find). ethics/good and evil is already so confusing to define that it kind of makes sense it’s not been studied much.

also he’s like on the edge of 17, so he’s not very self aware in general. he’s just a kid. this is the part of his life when his ASPD is becoming more pronounced. he couldn’t even be diagnosed with it yet, not until he turns 18. BPD also becomes more pronounced at the end of adolescence, so basically they’re both getting worse and worse at the same time and neither of them know what is happening to them.

they’re opposites in a lot of ways, but in that fic they’re kind of like magnets.

the push/pull is addictive for both of them for different reasons.

they’re sort of compatible in a twisted sort of way because people with aspd tend to do this thing called sensation seeking where they do very reckless impulsive and destructive things (the ‘antisocial’ aspect of Antisocial Personality Disorder refers to this exact aspect of the disorder, it’s antisocial because defying and eschewing social norms is a necessary part of the diagnosis) that are generally criminal. like theft, violence, arson, substance abuse, gambling, property destruction, more “manipulative” crimes like fraud, scamming, etc, because they’re sort of perpetually bored, and have a sense of grandiosity about what they’ll be able to get away with.

regulus cannot imagine he would fail.

that’s why his goals are so lofty. ironic for a boy who’s canonically a complete failure at everything he tried to do. but like i said, it’s literally a delusion.

his lifelong habit of sensation seeking means he’s naturally drawn to extremes, and people with bpd can experience such extremes with just emotion, like black and white, angels and devils, very extreme back and forth, thinking in absolute words like ALL, NOTHING, NONE, NEVER, ALWAYS etc, and when james is elevated he takes part in similar extreme behaviours in a very different way.

oftentimes some people with bpd use extreme and destructive behaviour to avoid their naturally elevated emotion and very intense experience of emotional pain. james is looking to avoid his very loud, excruciating fear, or anger, or hurt, with self-harm or sex or violence as a result of his already elevated emotion instead of to SEEK elevated emotion. self-harm is a grounding tool for james that is almost meditative.

when regulus cuts himself or breaks something its because he wants to do it to feel something, to cope with his chronic emptiness, and manage his aggression and impulsivity. when he was younger it was a tool for comfort/punishment.

when james does it it’s usually for the opposite reason. he’s so overwhelmed with emotion and sensation that he turns to extreme, violent maladaptive behaviours just to cope.

they’re both using the same destructive coping skills for what are basically the opposite problems.

regulus is obsessed with james because his emotional volatility is simultaneously comforting and exciting to him. the inconsistency and extremes between being loved and hated are what he is used to with his family, so when james is volatile it makes him feel paradoxically safer around him. he also likes that he can be destructive and violent at times. he feels like they understand each other. james is obsessed with regulus because, well, you’ve read the fic. and if not, i’m not going to spoil it here.

regulus also experiences very intense emotional extremes but they’re always very brief and they are basically always irritation or anger. james gets upset quickly about something small and then he can and will stay upset for like 8 hours or sometimes days, or stop being upset in an instant. regulus gets upset quickly and basically sees red and it’s over in like two minutes.

for example, in the most recent chapter when he hit the muggle and cut her face. he didn’t even want to do that. he was pissed off, and he had a socially acceptable target so he just did what he’s always instinctively compelled to do when he’s mad. he has an almost uncontrollable desire to express his anger with aggression, but he is pretty good at managing his impulses.

he knows hurting people is wrong and he wants to be a good person (primarily for the social benefits. he likes when james is happy, he likes feeling loved, he likes when people around him are happy not sad. he is protective of people he views as “his” and he likes making sure they are content and well taken care of, and he cares about the way they see him. also, he doesn’t want to alienate sirius permanently. his ideas about their estrangement are kind of bizarre and clouded by his weird perception of how relationships work and what they are for, but he truly doesn’t want to burn the bridge completely). most of the research i did said that kind of aggression is common with people with aspd.

the urge to do “socially deviant” things is apparently really strong too. i listened to this interview with this woman with ASPD who said she used to break into houses just to stand inside them or steal cars just to drive them around and leave them somewhere. regulus does small versions of that all the time but because he is so repressed, controlled, and so tightly wound, he limits himself to toying with other people as a show of power and to see what he can get away with doing. and lying. always lying. it is literally pathological. he lies about things that don’t even matter, but he gets a big rush out of telling big lies. he loves tricking people. he loves playing mind games. he is such a little shit 😭

part of the reason he is drawn to the DEs is because he is so socially isolated due to his disorder. having aspd is lonely. he has a hard time making friends and keeping them. he likes barty and evan because they also have antisocial personality characteristics, so they sort of understand him. he has a very: “i am alone, me against the world, everyone is an enemy, i need to make allies, i need to defeat my enemies” and “people don’t understand me, so fuck them.” mindset.

and he’s been shamed his entire life for having violent impulses and viewing people the way he does, particularly by sirius, who saw a lot of the early signs of ASPD when he was a kid and got freaked out. regulus would dissect his toys and try to hurt him sometimes, or he’d intentionally try to make other kids fear him, or he’d do things like tell sirius to drink laundry detergent or something just to see if he’d do it because he doesn’t understand consequences, or he’d break shit, or play pretend and talk about violent daydreams, or steal things from him, or blame him for things he didn’t do, or he’d find very disturbing dark objects, or look for gore, or talk about death, etc etc. scary things for a child to do! sirius is understandably kind of wary of him! sirius loves him a lot but he also finds him deeply unsettling.

but with the DEs it’s completely different. regulus’ anger, impulsivity, deceptiveness, etc is all celebrated instead of shamed.

but the way he thinks is very disordered. it’s not healthy. he needs therapy. he also doesn’t think about the long-term consequences for the things he does, basically ever. hence the second reason he’s a pathological liar. and he is kind of a kleptomaniac but james hasn’t noticed yet. he literally doesn’t understand the way the things he does will come back to haunt him. he thinks it’s impossible for him to get caught doing things he’s not supposed to do. he’s so fun to write. i love him <3

i don’t usually talk about this because i feel weird speaking about disorders i don’t have but idk maybe you want more insight into why regulus acts the way he does. so, here u go. im leaving a lot out, i could ramble about this again if you’re curious about regulus’ ASPD because his POV isn’t in the fic. i talked about james less because i think you see enough of his brain to understand him. it’s impossible for me to summarize it, really. he is so complicated. i find regulus very interesting to write because of the way he experiences emotion and the way he thinks about other people in terms of utility, control, entertainment, dominance vs submission (in every single aspect of his life he wants to be dominant and in control), the way he experiences morality is different (“the truth is whatever you make it”) etc.

he would also be a very unreliable narrator lol.

it’s a spectrum, so not all people with ASPD or BPD experience such extreme versions of any of this btw. just like any other disorder, there is a range of severity and function between different people. aspd is very stigmatized but it’s usually a result of childhood trauma and genetics, just like bpd, and i think the societal perception of it as “evil” is really messed up. the numbers concerning the rates of criminality and violence among people with ASPD are elevated too because a lot of the studies on ASPD and psychopathy were only conducted on prison populations. and criminality is generally a prerequisite to diagnosis which i think is fucked up, because there are plenty of people with ASPD who deserve treatment and representation that won’t get it because they’re high functioning enough to manage impulses to “social deviance” (criminality). anyways i’ll stop rambling now, ty for reading this mess

[spidertroupeart]

Not gonna lie, we need more GOOD UNDERTALE AU outcodes... ya' know, the guys who go around the multiverse doing stuff with their own specific goals

I mean, we definitely have them, but it's sad that the last "Big" outcode to ever reach a greater audience was this sad mistake of an Error clone.

I mean, I'd highly suggest looking into stuff like Stitchau, Poppy's story, the ALIVE AU and No!sansverse (which is basically a take on the sansverse that de-sansifies the OUTCODE sanses, this sad sack of rooftop swordsman brainrot included), but it's unfortunate this guy gets more publicity than these three... we need more input from the community.

I don't want to insult or spread hate about undertale outcodes, AUs, or what have you; a lot of them were made by people who were genuinely trying to do something interesting- and unfortunately, everyone's favourite character at the time (and still the majority of the fandom's, probably) was Sans, so he always got the most attention. I can't complain a lot about that, considering I myself am also incredibly guilty of favouritism.

What I think is that a lot of what people were doing could be better expressed and made more interesting if different characters were used, and it didn't become a confusing mess of "Wait. Who's from where??" for me, personally. My brain is very small and can only handle so much.

But, along those lines, I'll share my thoughts that went into Ink!Chara and Ink!Asriel, to try and better make a point- the void, or anti-void, whatever it may be, is a neat concept, but I never really understood it myself- so I kind of made my own interpretation of it with my minimal knowledge.

The whole thing behind these two was that it's stated in-game that no one knows what would happen if a human and monster soul fused- so for all we know, the fusion could be incredibly unstable. Perhaps game-breaking. And along the lines of not knowing what would happen, it's even less known what would happen upon defeat- considering that a monster soul cannot persist for long after death (provided said monster is a boss monster), and a human's can persist for God knows how long.

What if this contradiction led to a huge bug in the already unstable game, and in order to save itself from a crash, the game just. Completely drops the souls? Shoves them out of the way to get everything working again once they were no longer active. We know for a fact that both Chara and Asriel (now Flowey's) souls are seemingly gone, so why not do something with that?

Ink!Chara and Ink!Asriel are separate entities from basegame Chara and Flowey, in that they are their souls and only their souls. My point is.

There are so many ways to make these outcodes more interesting (at least to me) just by using different characters and throwing things at the wall. Once again, nothing against the originals; without them I wouldn't even be having these ideas.

Apologies for this long and unstructured ramble, I've been wanting to properly talk about my inks for a while now lmao

[panthermouthh]

Hi there!! I recently discovered your art and I’ve been absolutely obsessed with your art style ever since, especially your line art! Do you have any tips for how you get such balanced line weight and any techniques/brushes you use?

Thank you so much!! I'll try to explain what I personally do as best I can but I can ramble so apologies for that lol

I don't like my lineart brush to be completely smooth, I like the more textured brushes. I downloaded a slightly textured brush about three years ago and that’s all I’ve used since-- unfortunately I can’t remember where I got it from. But if you want textured lines there’s plenty about to download for free. If you use procreate you can adjust the default brushes to your liking. I haven’t looked for any others because I like mine well enough and I am too lazy to find more lol.

As for lineweight, it's one of my favourite things to play with! I have Guidelines for myself rather than hard rules, but I think it is very important to do one thing-- remember where the light is hitting your subject, even if you aren't doing a fully rendered piece. Use the thicker lines to exaggerate shadowy areas on the form, and thinner lines elsewhere. If I don't do that the eye can get confused and the line weight will just look like an unstructured mess.

(Adjust your pen pressure so that it's very sensitive, and you don't have to use much force. Your hand may accidentally add something you wouldn't have thought of. Don't think too hard about getting it perfect, if it works it works.)

I also like to exaggerate certain bumps and curves on the human body! It can hint at bones, muscles and joints where I may not be trying to be 100% anatomically accurate lol. People's minds fill in a lot of missing detail!

Remember brushes and tools will only get you so far aesthetically and to study your subjects, study other artists, take things you like and ignore things you don't. The techniques that work for you will stick. Eventually you'll have a weird amalgamation of all the things you love and that will be your ~style~

I hope this helps you!

[cloud-somersault]

Soul anon here

Just saying it would be the funniest fucking thing ever is you changed the chapter count on the epilouge and dropped one absolutely massive final chapter. I'd wait and then give a dissertation of a comment.

Speaking of, (this is gonna get ramble-y so please excuse how unstructured this is, and forgive any spellling errors because I'm on mobile)

Holy shit I love the epilogue so fucking much. We didn't see too much of Mac's thought process in Constellations but with the epilogue I feel like you've read my fucking mind.

Like Wukong getting to spend time with Mac in the here and now, wistfully thinking at the beach about how things could have been different as his attempt at a subtle apology for what he ruined vs Mac can't even daydrean of it because he lived through the cold harsh reality of death, how he can't ever forget what Wukong did to him and yes, granted Wuking was tortured, but it wasn't death. It wasn't near the amount of suffering that Mac went through and continues to go through. Mac taking Wukong's wistfullness of what could have been as an insult (which is how I see it but may not be what you intended) is extremely fitting and very compelling. Wukong is genuinely trying to reach out, knows Mac the best out of all the characters, and still doesn't see how it comes off is very insightful into his thought process. In my view, Wukong is coming a bit from a place of privilege, his punishment while harsh, does lead him to becoming a heroic legendary figure while Mac is...not really well known in the story of LMK itself.

So of course Mac is going to be angry when Wukong says what he does, Mac never got the chance to have a fraction of the peace, healing and resolution and respect that Wukong got. Adding in with a lot of the shit talk Wukong gives him in S1 and S3...how can Mac take the chance that Wuking actually means what he says? Wukong has burned Mac not just once, but verbally several times in the show and granted that in S3 Mac is very much trying to help the crew from the other side...man. and that's not including that Wukong deliberately went against Mac's wishes in regards to talking about heaven and asking about the curse being removed. As much as I get where Wukong is coming from and why, it still does show that Wukong can and will cross Mac's boundaries because he thinks he knows better. I'm not decrying Wukong's action to help as bad, merely that he IS disrespecting a boundary Mac made crystal clear. Wukong is really going to have to prove that he's got good intentions here, and I can't blame Mac for being distrustful.

All that said, I love the epilogue and everything it's doing. I am eating so GOOD with everyword!!

WOW thank you so much for this ask, it's beautiful 🥺💞💞 I love all your thoughts and insight into their relationship! You're right about practically everything LOL but there's some key things in this ask that I'd like to touch on.

In regard to Wukong's reminiscing being taken as an insult, Macaque absolutely took it as an insult. There was no sensitivity to how Macaque sees their past and his feelings about it after everything. Wukong was also pointing all that out to show how much he's changed, but in doing so, he revealed how much he changed, and Macaque's mad that Wukong didn't show restraint or mercy or anything when they were fighting.

Macaque has a hard time (with good reason) moving past that. He says himself that this is going to be a huge blockade to them becoming friends again. But he's trying, despite Wukong's failed attempts and insensitivity.

And Wukong really is trying to do everything he can to make Macaque see that he's different now, but he hasn't done enough thinking on how Macaque is feeling. And, granted, Macaque hides his feelings and isn't as open about them as Wukong is, so Wukong has to try his best to discern how Macaque feels. That's why he's taken to asking Macaque directly what he's thinking so he can get a clear answer (and also because he just wants to know).

The mention of Wukong coming from this place of privilege (ABSOLUTELY SPOT ON) is so important!! There is a fundamental lack of understanding of what Macaque went through. Wukong has never asked (because he's terrified of death) about Macaque's experience with death and he's never given Macaque a space to vent or sob or whatever he may need to do. Wukong isn't offering that comfort because of his fear. So it comes off to Macaque as him slightly not caring or just outright ignoring Macaque's feelings about the complications of death and resurrection.

Again, Wukong is denying things or turning a blind eye to them because he doesn't want to confront them. We saw him do this for various things in Constellations (Not saying Mei/Tang/Sandy/Pigsy's actual names, not mentioning Little Star or what happened to them, not thinking too hard about MK's origins, not thinking about his punishment, etc.) so this isn't new for him. There is a sort of lack of vulnerability on Wukong's account. Like, he's being honest and introspective and self-reflecting and voicing the results of his reflection, but he's only allowing himself to be a shoulder to cry on in some aspects. Which is fine, in general, but when it's about the SUPER BIG ISSUE THAT TORE HIM AND MACAQUE APART, he might need to do a listen. I dunno.

oh, also, when it comes to Macaque not having much of a story in comparison to Wukong, that's something I touch on later. Wukong does come from a place of privilege because of his journey and being given the chance to improve and change. Macaque wasn't given that chance. And Wukong is revered and worshiped and remembered, and Macaque is left in the dust. There's definitely resentment and envy and jealousy there, and Wukong needs to recognize that, too.

And Wukong breaking Macaque's boundaries -- this is going to be a point of contention continually in their relationship because Wukong just has this drive to fix things, to shoulder things on his own. He's operated on his own for so long, it's hard to unlearn that. He trusts in his own abilities because he's prevented catastrophe's and saved lives countless times just on his own.

And he believes without a doubt that he can save Macaque. He believes he can get rid of that curse. It's just another "Monkey King problem fixed" for him. And he's aware of Macaque's boundaries and he knows he should do better and communicate and respect them, but all that consideration goes out the window when it comes to Macaque's well-being. Because Wukong absolutely wants Macaque to be okay again. He wants to get rid of this curse so Macaque stops suffering.

And he actually truly does understand that this doesn't make up for him killing Macaque. Like, Wukong gets that, at least. He just doesn't like seeing his mate in pain. And if there's a way to fix it, he wants to find it. But Macaque has expressed his boundaries and he expects Wukong to respect them. This constant disrespect is not okay to him, because he's aware that things could go awry.

But that's just one facet of them getting to an okay-ish place. They've got their whole punishment and separation, they've got the curse and how to get rid of it, they've got training MK, they've got Little Star, they've go the monkeys of FFM, they've got residual feelings for each other. There's so much that goes into their relationship that trying to fix it is a huge mountain of issues that they have to tackle.

And that's why the epilogue is so long. Because it takes time to build trust and talk things out and apologize and make mistakes and share feelings. And as each chapter comes out, you can see subtle changes, you can see them take a step forward, but there's inevitably going to be times when they take steps backward.

progress isn't linear. and they've got a lot of baggage. but they decided to try together. they each have a want deep inside them to fix this. And whether that's because Wukong is alone and hurting and desperate for affection and love and friendship or if it's because Macaque is hurting and feeling unlovable and unwanted and teetering between two very different desires. They keep meeting up and going on walks together.

Because every step is important because it speaks to the effort being made. It speaks to the intent change things. It showcases a desire for improvement. They both want something to change on some level. And I think that story, is incredibly interesting. It's been really fun writing it out to see how everything unfolds.

[bartholomew-junior]

2, 3, 4 gothi also are you taking sands characters

omg hi circular o/ sorry for the wait i did enjoy my trip :DD god help me with my sunburn tho. anyway omg gothi!!

2 . if there was one thing i had to pick, i’d say her stoicism/monotony. despite the fact she’s living in a very unstructured environment, the opposite of the foreclaimer society she came from, and to be on the brink of being kicked out of and disgraced by and harmed by that foreclaimer society, she still is one, and that cannot change. does she miss her home? her family? did she have friends other than xanu? does she miss them? does she think that despite it all, her “defective” empathy being demonized, she still would like to remember? when she saw rachaka, did she have a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, it would be a little bit like the old home that she missed that was decimated by her oldest friend? or does she think that place kind of sucked but miss her parents and the food? we don’t know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ basically, her whole backstory as well as foreclaimer race

3 . the most inconvenient aspect of her character is her friendship with xanu. xanu himself is a whole tangle that im not confident will be untangled considering the fact he has a status as a joke character in the interval between regicide and their emotional moment, which, for what he is, isn’t great. i feel like there’s an incongruence that should be addressed with xanu wanting to commit genocide and kill thousands of people, and him also just being gothi’s comic relief friend. but that’s a gripe with xanu’s character, not gothi. i hope they address this sooner than later. sorry for the negative nander moment lol

4 . honestly, i feel like she belongs in a very, very old epic akin to gilgamesh where she goes on a solo journey to reveal different aspects of her character (definitely with a different motive tho lol). i’m imagining illustrations like the ones we saw on the foreclaimer tapestries and her meeting another defective foreclaimer with parallels to old gothi handing her their power crystal they took out as their own choice, so they could enjoy life to the fullest and try to escape the clutches of foreclaimer society. basically, emotional solo adventure with jawbone moments.

to ur last question, im sorry,, i haven’t even looked in the direction of fools gold sands. i’m considering listening to it in the future, but eh. don’t count on it. apologies for the inconvenience. it looks really good from what i’ve seen of it actually, i might try to draw rooster.

in conclusion: RAD!! there’s so many things you can do with her character design too, like with her mask (something like the one she had at the celebration maybe, idk i just thought it was pretty) there’s also a lot you can do with the components of her design. her swamp aesthetic is so cool and i love how even when she’s fancy she still goes barefoot. thank you for letting me ramble, and sorry again for the wait

[geek-antic]

I’m so happy to see Skywarp and Novastorm in earthspark, their abilities are so cool and so tragically underutilized in most tf stuff they just show up and end up being either killed or conveniently cast aside. because their abilities would solve most problems far too quickly for there to be a story. Which is utter fucking nonsense because you should build the stories around the characters not see them as tools that can either further or prevent the plot. (Oh this is turning into a rant now you’ve been warned)

Like here’s a freakin example in IDW that kept grinding my gears at all the missed opportunities. I read the MTMTE comics and I read The Windblade comics. And I kept thinking “Man, I wonder what would happen if Soundwave was here.” Admittedly I do that to a lot of things, it helps me read through stuff I’m not a 100 percent fixated on. But I digress, so lemme give you some examples of moments that had me desperately wishing that Soundwave wasn’t in the hands of John Barber in RID.

The idw windblade comics literally has bumblebee stuck in starscreams head. now imagine how fucking interesting it would be if Soundwave showed up and was like “when the fuck did bumblebee get back” because soundwave can literally read minds. and since it turns out bumblebee is actually just some form of transmission from that weird little black hole thing shockwave created during dark cybertron. Suddenly starscream is not so crazy. Suddenly there’s hope for bumblebee. Suddenly soundwave has a far more interesting role than he did in RID. I also desperately and I do mean DESPERATELY want soundwave and windblade to interact because they’re both supposed to be telepaths but so far each continuity they’ve been in has had only one of them have the ability, or neither of them have had it, which is just SO frustrating to me. I wanna see Soundwave try and take over a titan. and wanna see him duke it out with Windblade telepathically.

I also really wanted to see sanctuary station have a bigger role, it felt so isolated and inconsequential because we never even really saw any of the decepticons just hang out in it or how their life was like on the station. It just felt like a from point A to point B plot location which is such a missed opportunity because it would’ve been a big fucking thing after the war. To have a place just full of Decepticon war veterans.

I really just wanted to see Soundwave actually still have a link to cybertron instead of being carded off as the token decepticon in Optimus prime’s story with the GI joes on earth. I fucking wish I was kidding but that is literally what he turned into. There’s so much stuff related to the decepticons happening on cybertron during the Windblade comics and I can’t help but feel like I’ve been robbed of seeing Soundwave actually play a vital role in how decepticon are treated after the war with the autobots. I’m just lamenting at this point so, moving on.

Imagining Soundwave in MTMTE is less about loss of potential and more about satiating my curiosity frankly, because the crew on the lost light end up dealing with A: charisma eating robots, B: a giant robot named Sunder who can fuck with peoples minds and eat their thoughts. And C: a whole freakin planet powered by telepaths. And don’t even get me started on Tarns abilities.

I see you James Roberts and I see your previous fan favorite UK soundwave as clear as day in the pattern of antagonists. Ok so maybe it’s just because I’m fixated on Soundwave but istg reading MTMTE feels like an exploration of some thoughts that have been cooked up for a while by someone who have been wondering about Soundwaves abilities. A: soundwave has been notoriously established as uncharismatic simply because of the first transformers movie. B: soundwave actually has a cassette called Sundor, but that’s more of a fun fact of sounding close to Sunder because what really caught my attention was Sunders way of describing how he felt thoughts which reminded me of how Soundwave describes his telepathy. And C: a whole god damn planet fueled by telepaths creating your dream destination idk that’s just fun to imagine what that’d do to soundwave. Would he be able to call bullshit of would it be like a feedback loop of telepathy?

Okay so let’s get started on Tarn, who I can best describe as a combination of all of decepticon high command but mostly he resembles Soundwave. and for good reason because it seems to me that James Robert tried to make something resembling a UK Soundwave who unlike the G1 cartoon Soundwave was more of a charismatic sweet talker villain type. When I first saw Tarn in my early days of transformers I couldn’t help but think “that’s literally just soundwave wtf” I know better now, but I’m still a bit sour over not getting to see Soundwave get the MTMTE makeover (idk what sorta magic they used to create such god tier robot designs but I want some) but regardless Tarn is a damn good villain who draws in the audience and then makes them boo at him as he has his kick the dog moment or in this case rip the cat, that makes him completely irredeemable. And makes the audience cheer for megatron as he kills Tarn.

A few thoughts on this Tarn guy and the bullet that soundwave managed to dodge by having a healthy support system in idw and not being solely loyal to Megatron.

Soundwave in the war for cybertron game was put in charge of almost the exact same type of prison as Tarn was in IDW. They would capture autobots, kill them, and recycle their parts. Tarn would melt them alive. Soundwave would gun them down. One is considered an agonizing death the other is considered quick. I just find it interesting how they’ve essentially been put in the exact same role of being the guy who takes care of the dirty work, yet they have such a different approach to it. But those are two separate continuities so let’s go back to the IDW one, where they seem to have worked together alongside megatron during the war. Idk if tarn was a part of high command but he was definitely standing at the side usually reserved for second in command at the end of the transformers vs ROM comic. Talk about missed opportunities, I would have loved to see how Soundwave and tarn interacted during the war.

Ah well, I really love IDW for what they gave us with transformers even if there is a bunch of missed potential and opportunities. That just means other tf stories and continuities can pick up on it and do something with it.

Oh god this rant went places, I’m too tired to edit structure into it now though so peace out

[iwasthewind]

I'm sad about Apollo not getting the attention he deserves, so I'm gonna give it myself. The following is a ramble on why I love Apollo, and the way Rick handled his character <3

This hasn't been proofread and is unstructured as fuck because I lack the time for something better- and all of the following is something I said to a friend regarding TOA sjsjsjjs

Rick honestly handled abuse so fucking 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭 in the series, gotta love the man for it. The parallels that he shows in Zeus and Nero, the way he addresses that Apollo himself was stuck in a cycle of abuse. I love how Apollo at first is so entitled, so used to getting his way, so shocked and disproportionately offended at the smallest things- but he's not necessarily evil. At the same time, a fair deal of the shit he did was inherently bad, yeah?

And it wasn't even because he was a control freak like Zeus, who was just toxic, paranoid and proud. It was because he never realised it was wrong because the concept of it being 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 was never introduced to him- which is no excuse by the way. He saw Zeus' actions as wrong 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘮. Zeus set the example for him, and he never thought of it as (inherently) 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 'wrong,' but as something that "inconveniences/offends/hurts me."

And then his mistakes start biting him in the ass. And he's upset, because he wonders if he really deserves this?? And then his ass begins to bleed because his mistakes bite him 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥. And he's in denial but he begins to realize the gravity of his actions. He begins to empathize with his victims and it's not like he can apologise or do something to take back his actions either. His mistakes firmly remain what they are.

It's then that he slowly begins to realise- the abuse he faced at Zeus' hands, the abuse others faced at his hands, the abuse Meg faced at Nero's hands...is all inherently wrong. It's amoral. He's forced to face the fact that 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨, no matter who's dishing it out.

When he confronts Harpocrates it's made especially clear- he was a fucking bully and it slapped him in the face. How entitled he was in trying to coerce the Sybil, how cruelly he dismissed her pain because guilt was an inconvenience to him. Up until he had to deal with them again, he barely thought about them. They weren't relevant anymore, because they were not desirable or sources of entertainment anymore. They weren't useful to him anymore.

And then he's forced to address the pain he's caused. He can't save them, and he's not forgiven for his actions.

They acknowledge him and peacefully (more or less) die and now he has to live with that. He can't make things better for them. He held their future in his hands and he carelessly shaped it into an ever descending spiral staircase which ended in 𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘯 and he has to live with that.

And he sees it and he acknowledges his emotions and he lets his guilt get to him- because he understands that he deserves it, even though he can't atone for it directly, to 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮.

And instead of dismissing his discomfort and booking it- which was a toxic pattern he had established and followed for YEARS, my dude addresses the fact that he needs to improve. And he 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 improve.

It's not a gradual thing and there's hints of relapse but he genuinely apologizes, puts aside his pride several times and tries to improve. He can't do anything about the past but he can damn well try to make his current and future self a different God, a God that nourishes and cares for the well-being of those less fortunate than him, a person who cares and is learning to be happy with himself and takes responsibility in a healthy way.

And it's not easy- it's a concious choice he makes, every day, every time he's faced with old thoughts. They've been habits for so long and he's breaking them and it takes a herculean effort but he 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 it.

He's still extravagant at the end and he still catches hold of luxury items but he's gifting them too now! He got Meg a unicorn <3

And then in the end he addresses that Nero and Zeus are similar, and 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮. Apollo sees his mistakes and tries to improve. Zeus and Nero 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 they are in the wrong, but it benefits them and so they do not care. They can't be forgiven because they don't deserve it. All you can do is distance yourself because there's no actual, plausible way to deal with them for good.

I just love Apollo sm jwkjdksdkndk <33

Some day I'll write a proper essay on him but today is not that day. My apologies if I get something wrong, it's been a while since I read the books :')

[decepti-thots]

an absolutely shocking number of people wanted me to talk about my thoughts on this post after i made it, lmao, so HERE WE GO, i'm gonna ramble in a very unstructured way about my dumbass theories regarding the development of… well actually a couple separate-but-linked subplots in MTMTE/LL. not about how they ended up, but about my theories as to what changed in the course of writing the comic and why.

specifically, what i have guessed might have changed in the development of rewind's subplot regarding finding agent 113 (dominus ambus in the final comic- we'll get to that below) and its overlap with the chromedome-prowl and DJD subplots.

big disclaimer: nothing i say here unless explicitly stated has been confirmed in any way by roberts, it's almost ALL wild theorising. i could easily be wrong about literally everything here, lmao, in fact i probably am! but ever since my second readthrough of the comic where my brain went 'wait, what was the motivation behind making rewind's dead husband minimus' brother when that connection never pays off??? roberts what???', combined with finding out that the cd-rw-prowl plot is one of the only ones confirmed to have dramatically changed from roberts' original plans, i have been. bizarrely obsessed with the whole mess of it. apologies in advance. but here we go.

first of all, the things that are confirmed, from jro directly:

the original plan for the chromedome-rewind-prowl stuff was that chromedome and prowl had been working together when chromedome met rewind; in this concept, prowl sent agent 113 to infiltrate the DJD and used chromedome as a plant at the relinquishment clinic to first shadowplay rewind into forgetting anything that could lead him to the truth, and then later to be a kind of 'minder' who followed rewind around and stop him finding out the truth. this is what prowl is referring to in the flashback scene prior to Overlord escaping where chromedome shadowplays him. the blackmail he was intended to be threatening to tell rewind there is that chromedome became his friend under prowl's orders, and false pretenses. the other major hint to this plan is the mention chromedome makes in issue #12 of rewind's supposed UV light allergy- this was originally chromedome making sure none of the marks were seen by medics. this plot is by word of god and the text of the comic itself a hundred percent gone in the final product. but it was not something roberts had committed to changing until AFTER the overlord arc, hence that infamous dangling thread that now has no clear explanation re: prowl's blackmail material.

relatedly, the original plan was for chromedome and rewind to just be friends for quite some time into roberts planning out the series' trajectory. even when actually writing the early issues, roberts was not sure if they would be romantic for a while, so he hedged his bets. (in the event hasbro said 'no' to his request to confirm cd/rw as married, he had a whole backup plan for tailgate and cyclonus.) in turn, it's generally assumed, though technically not confirmed, that e.g. this is also true of prowl and chromedome as partners, rewind and 113 as married, etc. it just logically follows. but yeah. all these original relationships were platonic or possibly, in one case, familial.

prior to writing the series, the first plan for agent 113/the person rewind was looking for was for him to be eject. it's not confirmed this was going to be eject as rewind's spark brother, but contextually, it seems pretty likely, since a) roberts has revisited the concept a few times, including with 113 once he's dominus, and b) the whole rewind/eject being near identitcal thing makes it an obvious approach- they're referred to in fan circles as 'twins' a lot the same as rumble and frenzy. at some point, late enough the notebooks covering "pre-production" outlines for MTMTE's first season do not mention him, Dominus Ambus becomes 113 instead.

so my big takeaway from thinking about this whole thing, to start off, is that the original plan probably involved agent 113 being vos. not the previous vos as we ended up with, but the vos we were introduced to as part of the DJD, the guy who turns into a sniper rifle and speaks in old cybertronian. there's some stuff early on when he's introduced that points to the idea that at the very least, the audience is supposed to consider this idea as plausible, namely:

agent 113 isn't first brought up in mtmte. he's first brought up as a mole the autobots have in the DJD in 'bullets', the prose story accompanying Last Stand of the Wreckers. first aid keeps an eye out for autobot badges on patients that have been shot because springer has told him that due to increasing paranoia about being caught as a spy, agent 113 insists on sending messages hidden in bullets shot at autobot soldiers, identifiable as his because they go very specifically through the right "eye" of his targets' autobrands. so 113 is a sniper/sharpshooter. and vos turns into a sniper rifle. one of the first times we see him is in a large spread where megatron is wielding him, in fact. this is then a significant plot point in mtmte later. (swerve and all that.)

vos has the quirk of only speaking "old cybertronian" that is unintelligble to many characters and the audience. the comic goes out of its way to make rewind knowing old cybertronian in mtmte a running gag early on (with the joke part being that he always gets the translation slightly wrong). not only is that a really specific link, but it feels totally plausible that the expected payoff is that only rewind recognises 113 when he speaks in old cybertronian, because he's heard it spoken before. (if 113 is originally eject, this makes a lot of sense; it relates to both of them being older than most of the cast, perhaps.)

dominus ambus is just. clearly not meant to be the pet as of when the pet and him are first designed in mtmte. lmao. and for that matter, minimus is clearly not designed to turn into a turbofox in his irreducible form. when we get the teeny tiny minimus reveal in RiL, it's really clear the idea is he looks very similar in both "forms"- same face, same colours, etc, but his irreducible form doesn't turn into anything. he has exposed ball joints like the internal 'skeletons' of TFs/toys and no kibble. the idea of 'he can't turn into anything, but he can wear armour to become whatever' is a pretty clear inference, right? (and was the dominant interpretation prior to the reveal dominus becomes a turbofox, ftr!) but to make dominus the pet, they have to design his internal form to look nothing like either his own armour OR minimus' internal form. that's… a pretty blatant retcon, imo! why is he a weird green colour when his armour is yellow? why does he have a fuckton of kibble and minimus is Nothing when in his irreducible form? retcon, baby.

so i really think that an early concept was that 113 was still an active spy in the DJD, and that this changed at some point, probably fairly early on but late enough the original seeds had been sown, with roberts doing a neat patch job to take the concept in another direction that still worked with his set up… but the question becomes WHY it changed. after all, none of the confirmed changes actually require altering that concept, so if i'm right, then why the hell would you change it?

my theory about why you'd have to change it relates to something else that has always confused me, which is where the really fun but kind of objectively batshit concept of 'rewind is making his new husband look for his dead husband he's still in love with, apparently has no idea why chromedome would be insecure about this' comes from. (it's great, i love it, but it doesn't strike me as an obvious storytelling beat to go for! it creates great storytelling opportunities because it's very… unintuitive for a love story, imo.)

which is that… they weren't originally married, which is kind of obvious in retrospect and ESPECIALLY now we know that 113 was originally eject! 'rewind doesn't realise chromedome might be insecure about his best friend looking for a guy from before they met he also cares for' is a way more obvious emotional beat when you think on it, imo! (plus it turning out to ACTUALLY be about chromedome's guilt because he knows where 113 is, ofc- there's the twist for the audience.) like. rewind thinking that is an ok thing to do with a friend is clearly the more intuitive plotline beat, versus 'rewind does this to his current husband who he is letting think he will replace'.

chromedome/rewind then winds up being romantic, and to match this, 113/rewind ALSO has to become romantic. right? otherwise, the then-still-a-misdirect of chromedome's jealousy makes no sense. why would chromedome be worried about a platonic friend replacing him as rewind's husband? so now, 113 is rewind's dead husband all of a sudden. (sidenote: this also makes the very bizarre backstory re: the wild power imbalance between dominus and rewind a lot more… understandable? if it was not envisioned as them getting married on the part of the author.)

maybe eject has already been replaced when this idea slots into place, or maybe dominus is conceived in part to allow for this element in a way that makes sense. you can't really tell in this theory. (in a similar way, puzzling out whether he's related to minimus because the idea was there for minimus to be a loadbearer and it created a way to make him 113 came first, or if it was the reverse, is hard to tell. ftr, when the magnus armour is referenced in the notebooks, it does NOT contain reference to minimus; magnus is just a small person who has been given augmented armour in those drafts.) (this has also always bugged me. WHY is rewind's dead husband also minimus' brother when the narrative doesn't do anything with that connection!!! wellll. that's one possibility. lmao.)

the original plan for chromedome to be in on it with prowl and 113- to have manipulated and lied to rewind, and for all of them to, essentially, have screwed him around- was changed by roberts because chromedome/rewind became romantic. he decided, imo completely rightly, that the subtext there with a romantic pairing was just wrong tonally and way too uncomfortable. you're getting into straight up gaslighting abuse, and for the first romantic couple of the series, and one of the first ever m/m pairings in TF, i mean… yeeeeah.

but this creates kind of a discrepency. because 113 is still fucking rewind over in this scenario. suddenly it goes from 'multiple friends of rewind turn out to have collectively been deceiving him' to 'both rewind's husbands have been deceiving him' to 'well rewind's NEW husband is completely innocent, he had nothing to worry about all along cause if they ever find dominus, he's the one who is a dick now' which like. that is not a satisfying conclusion to the conflicts set up wherein rewind proves that he is not so stuck in the past he won't choose chromedome over dominus if he has to, or where chromedome has to learn rewind really does unconditionally love him and he's not replaceable. right? it's a cheap get out of jail free card there.

and THAT'S why i would guess that if 113 was gonna be vos, it got changed. people have noted that dominus is easy to read as implicitly a bit of dick in mtmte when you think about it- he ran off without telling rewind, after all. but only when you think about it. this makes sense in the original concept. it doesn't really have a good option of payoff once chromedome is not nearly as bad himself. and in this theory, dominus doesn't so much get changed so he wasn't at all a dick about it, he just… gets moved out of focus with the "domestication" explanation. suddenly, instead of a potential confrontation between rewind, chromedome and 113 in dying of the light, to name one possible example, you have the revelation that dominus has been out of action this whole time, and now he can instead be a catalyst for a conclusion between chromedome and rewind. it's a little bit of sleight of hand. it means the audience isn't thinking about that in DotL. they're thinking about cd/rw, not dominus, even when he's right there. (a macguffin of a character til the end…)

and now you know the insane and completely unverifiable theory that has percolated in my brain to explain some of that whole plot's weirdness the past, oooh, 3 years or so. very good chance none of it's true but it's the best i have and it just drove me INSANE because i've reread everything relating to cdrw and minimus in mtmte SO much that the weird gaps nagged me constantly. this is what it's like being me. yes, it's annoying for me too. but for those who were wondering: here you go. 2200 words of this:

[begrudginglytumbling]

Bai Yu, Johnny Bai, 白宇

Actor, Singer, Streamer, Endorser of Products...Dancer(?)...ok so I can’t actually say that last one with a straight face.

Anywho! Bai Yu is undoubtedly a talented chap, he also happens to be a flouter of rules and expectations when it comes to the concept of sitting ‘properly’...and interacting with flat surfaces when it comes to their intended use...and also just in general when it comes to supporting his own lanky, seriously-you-need-to-eat-something, weight.

This particular quirk is something I’m sure we’re all lovingly(?) familiar with when it comes to Bai Yu’s Zhao Yunlan. A character who I am fairly certain hasn’t yet met a surface he hasn’t sat or lounged upon.

At first I thought this was just a quirk of that particular character.

But then he lounged on a mortuary table in Detective L and sat on a counter in Fairyland Lovers, and I began to wonder if this was actually a character quirk or if Bai Yu was just Like That.

And so the Bai Yu Sitting Project was born.

The Project’s original purpose was to try and answer the question as to whether the sitting is a character quirk or just a Bai Yu Thing. Now it’s mainly just an excuse to watch Bai Yu and see if the man will take pretty much any excuse to sit, lean, or lounge...while making attempts to answer the original question.

If you’d like to join me in partaking of this particular brand of madness I seem to be cultivating, then head on under the cut.

If not, then keep on scrolling, nothing to see here, just a slight fixation on an actor with a draping habit.

Fair warning before you click, this is rather long.

Now then, just a few bits of admin before we truly start; - image quality will vary depending on what I can find, apologies in advance for any of the really, really blurry images I’m going to post. - I cannot make gifs, I wish I could, but I can’t, so you’re going to be stuck with boring screenshots (unless some absolutely delightful human being has giffed what I want of course). - even though I’m not focusing on the stories in these films and dramas, I cannot guarantee that there won’t be any spoilers. Don’t know if that’ll bother anyone? - this will be taking the form of unstructured rambling. It will have a conclusion...eventually...when I’ve finished my ‘research’.

Right, admin done.

Now are we sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

We’ll start with When Larry Met Mary or 陆垚知马俐.

Do you know what we get with When Larry Met Mary?

We get eight seconds of screentime. Eight (8)!

From 9:14 to 9:22 Bai Yu is ‘Mary’s Deskmate’.

Here, play ‘Spot the Bai Yu’, it’s like an easy version of Where’s Wally...or Waldo for Americans right?

Can you spot him? In the room full of people sitting properly at their desks, where oh where could ‘Mary’s Deskmate’ possibly be?

If you guessed laying down at his desk with his head in ‘Mary’s’ lap...getting his ears cleaned, then you’d be right!

Eight seconds. I watched this nonsense, friendzone-for-life film where people in Spain apparently speak English without a hint of a Spanish accent for eight seconds of screentime!

And look, if you’d asked me after I’d watched this film if he goes for parts he doesn’t have to sit properly for, I’d’ve pulled up a pained smile and said ‘yes’ through gritted teeth. But I know this is stage direction or whatever it’s called, so I can’t entirely put this character choice on Bai Yu’s skinny little shoulders.

If you too would like to subject yourself to this *gestures vaguely at the film in general* just this, then it’s on DramaCool with English subtitles.

Right moving on! because the less I think about that film, the better

Next we have The Founding of an Army or 建军大业.

Bai Yu plays a chap called Cai QingChuan and my first thought when he finally appeared after over an hour and a half was ‘he’s going to die, isn’t he?’ But I had hopes that as a military man there’d be no leaning, lounging, nor inappropriate sitting!

Just look at him! With his shoulders back, and his spine straight!

Surely this isn’t a character that could be affected by the quirk of Bai Yu refusing to support his own body.

...then you realise he spends quite a bit of time splayed out on the ground either covered in foliage.

Knocked into a trench by an explosion.

Or, y’know, dead.

(Fun Fact - due to this film, death now counts in the column of ‘lounging/laying about’)

Amongst all the death and destruction, I did find time to snicker at the fact that of all the named characters in this, it’s Bai Yu’s character that seems to spend the most time on the ground...how very Bai Yu of you, Cai QingChuan.

If you want to watch this propaganda extravaganza of death and destruction then I found it on NewAsianTV with English subtitles. If you have problems with things like blood, beheadings, war related injuries like loss of limb due to explosions, or just general graphic violence then I’d suggest you give this one a miss

Let’s have something a bit lighter next, yeah?

So Hello Joann or 你好喬安 is...well it’s a drama this time, not a film. I couldn’t tell you what it’s about however as I skipped basically everything but the Bai Yu parts.

(It’s surprising how quickly you can get through a 32 episode drama when you don’t really care about the characters)

Bai Yu plays the ex-boyfriend in this one, a bloke by the name of Chen Xiao. Now then, he’s not in it a lot, I mean he’s in it more than eight-second-deskmate up there (look I am still greatly miffed over that, alright, I wouldn’t even have minded if the film was actually any good), but he’s in it enough to be able to introduce a couple of Bai Yu Character Things.

First up - The Crossed Legged Lean.

I first encountered this when watching Memory Lost (which we’ll be looking at at a later date), and I almost choked on my tea when faced with it here. This is the you-can-make-me-stand-but-by-the-gods-you-can’t-make-me-support-my-own-weight Crossed Legged Lean (not to be confused with the General Lean that sometimes appears, though not as often as this one).

Secondly - If My Feet Don’t Touch The Ground Then I Can Sit Properly And Not Look Uncomfortable While Doing It...that’s a bit of a mouthful, but the point still stands!

This is something I’ve become aware of during the hours I’ve spent ‘researching’ this Project.

Bai Yu will sit on the floor, he will lounge on the floor, he will play dead on the floor.

The moment he is in a chair?

His feet seem to turn into little Kuzco’s

They do not wanna be touching the ground. The floor is lava and all that jazz.

At most, one will touch the floor. If both have to then he looks so uncomfortable, it’s hilarious...though at this point I will admit that my perception of what’s funny is rather skewed when it comes to this man and sitting.

(This move is also what I tend to refer to as ‘Relatable Bai Yu Character Trait’, because I, too, prefer not to have my feet touching the floor when in a chair)

Ok so this is a Project to answer the question of character trait or Bai Yu Thing, and I know how to research both sides of something, I know I shouldn’t reach conclusions without taking arguments for both sides into account. I have a gods be damned Masters degree to tell me I know I should do these things. But some times? Some times things happen that make you throw your hands up and go ‘you’re writing the damned conclusion yourself, ain’t ya?’

Until I decided to follow my ‘research’ to the end, this was that moment for me.

Look familiar? He’s on a damned car...truck...whatever. And I can’t even say again? because this came out before Guardian.

You have a character type, sir, and it all revolves around your sitting habits!

As a side note whoever was in charge of his styling for this? They have cursed me with this suit/cravat combo yet gifted me with the image of Bai Yu in kinda tight 3/4 lengths where it’s like an Elf decided to try out Hobbit fashion but tighter?

Look I know the quality isn’t great, but tell me that isn’t some Elf who looked at Bilbo Baggins in his burgundy jacket and short trousers and went ‘I’ll try that’ after waaaaay too much wine.

If you wanna watch this then it’s over on YouTube, the quality isn’t too bad, and the subtitles are pretty good too.

I shall finish up Part One with Fa Hai, or Legend of Fa Hai, or 缉妖法海传 (or if you’re iQiYi The Story of Catching Demons)

This film is the first, and possibly the only, instance where Bai Yu doesn’t seem to lean, lounge, or sit weird.

He does sit on the floor.

But look at him, he’s all stiff backed and uncomfortable looking. There is no leaning nor lounging. He’s sitting properly.

The only time he really lays down he’s on a bed and the only time he’s against a wall he was herded there by the monk guy.

However before I mark this as the only character who supports his own weight, I’ve got to remember that he does get himself stabbed, leading to him technically lounging in a lady’s arms. And if being dead counts as lounging, then I’m going to have to count this one too.

And he’s not just in the lady’s arms once, I think it ends up being about three times.

So something that gave me hope for the ‘Character Trait’ column has been shunted over to the ‘Bai Yu Thing’ column.

If you’d like to watch long haired Bai Yu take the long, I’m-not-entirely-sure-what’s-happening-right-now, path to becoming bald Bai Yu then give this a try. Some lovely person over on twitter has translated it, and it’s also available on iQiYi (but honestly their subtitles can be a bit hit and miss).

Well that’s it for Part One.

Have we made any sense?

Not really!

Will that stop us from continuing our ‘research’?

Of course not!

Are we regretting the decision to catalogue Bai Yu’s sitting habits?

A little bit! sodding Larry meeting goddamn Mary...eight seconds, people! eight 

Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six

[robiness]

cw: death, v8 spoilers, unstructured rambling

look i havent watched v8x01 yet but i've read the summary and seen some shots. he's dead, clover's dead, there is no blood in that body, you are seeing a corpse. if i wasn't anxious about using it wrong, i'd insert the phrase rigor mortis somewhere there

that doesn't mean there's no hope?????? i mean did the shot not remind u of the jon snow scene that was seen by everyone and their local grocer? even without that, we dont have resort to blinders bc we have options!!!! without a funeral it's not BURY your gays yet amirite omg im kidding

of course i have been totally wrong many times before and maybe he's on very quiet life support or cryogenics stuff IDK ~technology~ but so far, to me, the message is that his life has left that hot bod, the setting resembles a morgue, and there's no sign of medical equipment keeping his heart beating anywhere. correct me if im wrong but there are CURRENTLY (it's just the first ep after all) no signs of life. my personal belief is in the various staff resurrection theories because those easily connect to signs seen on the show

anyway that isnt really what matters rn my apologies

my actual point is that idk IN GENERAL i just noticed that a lot of people seem resistent to the idea of resurrection (as in, can't seem to suspend disbelief for it as opposed to actual homophobia) which i find really weird considering it's a fantasy animation???? there's magic????? the story is literally based on what, hundreds of fairy tales????? and there has been canon resurrection as a main plot point???? + other points other lovely people have given???

[tarasharmashow]

Post About Our Lockdown...Lessons learnt and things that seem to help us Do share any thoughts and things that have helped you too

How is time flying like this? Months since I last wrote here on my blog. I keep intending to and then a bizarre hecticness seems to take over. Though not much has changed and good health for us all and staying safe touch wood:) remain priorities in lockdown and always I guess, yet days seem to be flying by and months are flying by too.

Huge thoughts and prayers for those affected badly in this time. Not easy for anyone but disparities and other factors, make this a particularly difficult time for some, so before proceeding with what may seem a frivolous post, a huge mention to all the many who are struggling and sending lots of strength your way. This too shall pass.

Being quite an optimist, I find myself trying to look on the positive side of most situations. Enumerating things to be grateful for. While extended lockdown brings a range of emotions, I’m thankful we are fine and together as a family touch wood:). And while there are ups and downs, the pros like bonding with each other, focusing on the simpler things, playing family football matches and witnessing nature celebrate cleaner air with spectacular sunsets often, are some of the positives. 

So lots to be grateful for and making the most of this strange time, I am learning is a big lesson in lockdown.  

Before going on, a huge how are you? So important to check in. Everyone is reacting to lockdown and all that is going on differently and situations vary as do moods. Sometimes even within a few hours I find emotions change. I have found things that help me and would love to hear what helps make all this smooth for you too. And of course everyone is allowed to feel the good and maybe not so good and great and knowing there are people out there who care I think is a help.

I used to think when one is doing many different things and geographically moving about, it made time move fast but it is a revelation that a routine of relative sameness seems to make time move faster. Well, the perception of time, as after all the speed or seeming speed of time is perception as the number of hours in a day remain unchanged.

I know all this perhaps sounds rather philosophical but most of us are perhaps pondering various things in this time, so apologies, what follows is perhaps a rather uncharacteristic long ramble (my posts here are usually brief especially in the last few years) of thoughts, some you may somewhat relate to, some perhaps not, some perhaps very much so, so here goes.

It has been just over 5 months since the kids’ school shut for what we then thought would be a shortish lockdown, never perhaps imagining it would go on this long and even now we do not know when school will physically reopen. 

While being grateful to have a comfortable home and some open garden space, and acknowledging how hard it is for many who may not, yet as discussed on a #LockdownLivewithTara chat where I spoke with super @TomFoolery the poet of The Great Realisation, because there are others around who may be in a harder situation, that does not mean you are not allowed to voice any of your difficulties. While they may seem trivial to another, it is all relative and everyone must acknowledge the good and even the not great feelings if and when they come along. 

So while I quickly re group to positivity, I must confess there are moments of grrr! Moments when yelling and screaming seem to become the go to lingo and while of course I love our kids and family more than anything, balancing #homeschooling and #workingfromhome and #exercisingathome and everything else that fills up these fast moving days, often culminates in a chaos that brings out my Monster Mum side! I have always said every age and phase of bringing up children is incredible and amazing in it’s own way, and while our kids are at an age where they are relatively independent when it comes to doing their school work, there is no doubt they are also at an age where they are full of energy and arguments and fun and annoyance haaha, and pack all that and more within the walls of a home with all of us in it, and there are often fireworks.

What helps me regain my sanity after instances of emotional eruption? Yoga is one, and something that has become a big part of this time. Not just doing the regular classes I learn in but also conducting #YogaWithTara sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10am Indian time live on all my platforms (do join if you would like to). We have done about 30 classes so far and I must say it helps me and from the comments I get, it seems to be a source of positivity and way to stay fit, for many. I always add a caveat that I am not a professional teacher but have been practicing yoga for about 20 years and my teacher, Sir Deep Pandey, who teaches us 3 times a week, is very good. https://www.facebook.com/tarasharmashow/videos/1395939177257595/?vh=e&d=n https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpSyK3D7eNA https://www.instagram.com/p/B_XCtwqDCSL/

Another thing that helps is just looking at nature. And the sunsets in lockdown have been truly stunning.

Playing competitive family football matches have been a great help too. I was the least proficient at the start and am glad to say over the lockdown thanks to literally being trained by our kids and @roopaksaluja​ my football skills are improving.

Cooking is helping too. I always called myself a terrible cook but that may have been thanks to being nervous to try, being surrounded by super cooks. But thanks to lockdown, I have experimented with cooking more and our kids and my Mum, who lives in the same building, have been very encouraging. Roopak has turned vegan, so hasn’t been able to try most of my experiments.

I am writing this while the kids scream and shout. The #homeschool day is ending and it is that free time that inevitably ends in fisty cuffs, the word that describes all our little tiffs. My answer to these annoying moments is outdoors. So just pushing them and myself out the door to the garden, to run about and get rid of the pent up energy and angst. The kids enjoy playing in the garden but for some odd reason it is a struggle sometimes to get them to move from the dreaded word...gadgets!

Coming back to finish later. Rushing to the garden. As much for me as them.

I have not written this much in yonks. Apologies if it bores you or is a ramble and it is sort of pouring out. 

Hi Hi! I am back. It is the next day. See, even trying to finish a post in one day is not usually possible! Phew had quite a surprise last evening. A friend forwarded a screenshot of NDTV New ‘Top Picks’ and our mad little video of chaos https://www.instagram.com/p/CEBtw0aj8_c/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link from yesterday was top of the list! We were so shocked and sooo embarrassed haaha https://www.ndtv.com/entertainment/tara-sharma-says-working-from-home-and-homeschooling-is-driving-her-bonkers-2281439 ! Just to clarify I am not always a screaming banshi! And the funny thing is in this world of content creation in lockdown, you really never know what will trend. So many videos I work hard on, even the 30 yoga classes, I have diligently been conducting, get great response on my platforms (thank you all my wonderful sociamily:) (social media family) for the encouragement, but they do not usually make it to top picks on news platforms so it makes me realise people want and like to see reality which often consists of a little craziness. Of course the goody-goody side of me is itching to post this and more such to explain that ordinarily I am quite calm...but yes admittedly random freak outs do occur! Perhaps others relate? Do you? How do you regain calmness?

So going back to the post of yesterday, to things that help in lockdown..

Routine helps us loads. And I must say we are very grateful to our kids’ school for setting a well planned schedule. It helps establish a regular timetable for all of us. We all work around it. And most often #homeschooling and #workingfromhome merge peacefully. Being a creature of habit and somewhat of a routine junkie, I thrive on routine and find all of us at home seem to too especially in this otherwise unstructured lockdown.

Househelp is of course a huge help and we are so grateful to have long term live in help that make things easier. For 3 months we were short staffed and of course we all pitched in to help and continue to, and now with our help back I admit to this luxury being a huge help and while I know not everyone has this especially in many other countries, here in India one justifies domestic help by ensuring that we treat them well and keep them safe. I think they too understand the perils of being out at this time and are quite happy to be locked in in a safe place. But it is upsetting that they are away from their own families, so we try and make them feel as much of the family as possible, as in non lockdown times too. 

We are tremendously grateful that my Mum lives in the same building as us. Apart from it being lovely to be together albeit with some distance in between when needed, as on different floors, she is a great help. My Dad, before passing on, in hospital, when unable to speak much, had gestured that he was peaceful in the knowledge that we were going to be close to Mum when he was physically moving into another realm. Mum was on our farm in the hills for the first 3 months of lockdown and being very independent and quite happy on her own with dog, long walks, regular video calls with all of us, and our caretaker family, was quite content and only came back to the city when the impending monsoon drew nearer.

Speaking of dogs, our Tia here in Bombay and TinTin on the farm are a great source of joy. Articles often innumerate the benefits of having pets and in lockdown especially I think more and more people are valuing the wonderful bonds with dogs and other pets that help in these strange times, and always. 

I have lived in the same building since I was a kid. Married with our kids now we are on another floor but same structure and must admit the secure feeling that years in a place and familiarity give, are something I value. Our building has always had a lovely bunch of people but in pre lockdown times, interactions were minimal. We find in lockdown, as our building has a lovely garden for which we are so grateful, with the gorgeous sea beyond (which as you may know is tragically being reclaimed for a coastal road and I have with several others have been trying to speak up politely and say please make this road on stilts if at all and not mass reclamation and destruction of our beautiful coast, but that’s a post for another day as so much to say about that, the garden apart from being our exercise oasis has also become our little building meet up place. Being a relatively small building and with strict rules in place with no guests or temporary help allowed in, the garden is the only place where the few residents who use it meet somewhat freely. Maintaining social distance and mask when needed 

Coffee to start the start, freshly brewed Blue Tokai,has been a wonderful companion:) as has the little treat on some evenings of some soothing delicious vino in the company of our family and once the kids are in bed, Roopak and me enjoy watching a good show on Netflix, Amazon, Hulu or another.

Although all of us are being very careful and not meeting friends yet, our What’s app groups, are a great way to stay in touch. Light banter, jokes and keeping abreast with each other’s lives with some phone calls too, helps and yes we have managed a few masked meet ups when lock down relaxed a bit, but the uncertainty that prevails, makes us unsure of when and how we could properly meet.

My big sister lives in the UK and our regular video calls help as of ofcourse we miss not meeting in the flesh but for now we feel grateful for technology that enables al of us to chat and for all our kids, cousins to each other, to bond.

#MadnessWithTara a silly little series I started on TikTok before it was banned, was sort of a weird way to just let go. Often ridiculous and perhaps not something all my viewers like as I am often in a filter with beard and mooch, but something that I admit gives me a giggle so I assume some find me making a fool of myself amusing or at least relate to how many of us have slightly whacky sides too.

Without sounding like a martyr, helping those less privileged is hugely important in this time, and always. In whatever way possible, as always each to their own, with how one helps, whether with money, awareness or time, helping helps all round.

Reinvention has been something I have always embraced. Acting to my show and in this time, beginning all these different little ‘series’. No idea if they help others or not, I hope they do, and no real idea if they are going anywhere, but I also realise living in the moment and letting passion merge with practicality, figuring new ways to earn and not letting stress pervade, are so important. Yes some days I wonder, when will Season 6 of #TheTaraSharmaShow begin? When will I act in #films again? What new #brand #influencer (not too fond of that word, but it has become somewhat a buzz word now) assignments may I get? But then I try not to let that seem nerve inducing, I feel grateful that Season 5 happened just before all this, that #Kadakh released in lockdown and got great reviews, that brand jobs pop up now and then and I look at Roopak who is always calm, and I learn that in all the whirl and swirl of so called ‘regular’ life, the most important things are actually free and with us and yes while we need to earn and work and all the rest of it, without being cliched, this lockdown has really made us rethink priorities. And while we pray and hope #corona goes and we are all fine and safe and school and football classes foer the kids and shoots and all else resumes safely soon touch wood:), yet we feel sure we will go back to the good parts of normal, and hopefully do away with the old not so good things. Work from home more, when and if possible. Appreciate simple things. Ensure we continue loving chatty family meals and bonding time, and so much else as enumerated above.  

This is way more than I usually write and to be honest it may be a little fragmented as was over a few days. Suffice to say, it is a strange time but all of us are trying to make the best of it and there are good, not so good, and special and tough things going on and I think everyone is doing their best. This was my little attempt at listing out the things that help me and that I am grateful for and of course there are more and I am not all smiley all the time but yes I do think smiling within and staying positive helps. Do write in with how you are doing and what is helping you or just how you are finding all this. Ah and please do comments on my platforms too. Insta, YouTube FB Twitter. Social media, I think, for those of us who use it for work and otherwise, is also a great way to stay connected so do keep writing in and #staysafe all!

[white-noise-fiction]

Daddy Issues

Au: Based off Daddy Issues by the neighborhood

 A/n: I was listing to music and this just came to me. Sorry if it's s little too much (cause I did stray from the song a bit)  for some people. I felt like Luke was a good fit for the story too, so hopefully, you guys enjoy 💕

Your eyes were closed tightly as you listened to the screaming on the other side of your locked door. The base in his voice made you feel so small. So vulnerable. Every time his fist connected with the wooden door, you felt your lungs constrict. You were on the verge of a panic attack. Your face was flushed as hot tears streamed down your cheeks. They possessed a dark gray shade due to the mascara that was washing away with them. You sunk your front teeth down into your lip hard enough to draw blood, only wincing and easing up as you mouth filled with the metallic liquid.

“You’re a real of work, Y/n.” Your father yelled from the other side of the door. He was drunk and hardly able to stand up straight. You could tell because his footsteps seemed to be unstructured. “Open this goddamn door or else!” You couldn't open the door. You knew what would happen if you did. Your mother had already met the same fate tonight.

“Please, go away.” You croaked out, only starting to cry harder. What did you do to deserve this? You always did everything right. You did as you were told, and you followed every rule. But it almost seemed like the harder you tried to live up to his expectations, the more he hated you.

“You have till the count of five.” His words were soft, showcasing his mentality. He wasn't gonna take no for an answer this time.

“O-okay.” You stuttered out, scurrying off your bed and to the door. Your fingers seemed to move in delay as they unlocked and opened your barrier. But before you could even look up at the man before you to utter an unreserved apology, he had his hand on the back of your neck. His grip harsh, and it would definitely be leaving a mark.

“What did I tell you about locking the doors in my house?” He asked in a hushed tone. His breath reeked of whiskey and cheap cigars. You whimpered in pain and closed your eyes to avoid eye contact.

“I'm sorry. I just wanted to be left alone.” You mumbled, trying to explain yourself in a way he might see fit. He hummed and jerked your neck forward as he let go of you. You almost let out a sigh of relief, thinking he was gonna let you off easily this time. But nothing was ever easy when dealing with him. Before you could even steady yourself, he had his hand swinging towards your face. You fell to your knees and grasped your cheek as you hissed in pain.

“You don't get the luxury of being left alone.” He grumbled as he walked off to the living room to watch his shows. You say there for a moment, trying to collect yourself. You knew if you cried out, he would come back and ‘give you something to cry about’. You crawled into your room and closed the door, leaning your back against the chipped wood. You just wanted to be safe, to feel loved. Why was that too much so ask for?

But you knew you couldn't have that here, so you pulled out your phone and texted the only person who always had your back.

You: Luke? Are you still up?

Luke: yeah, what's up y/n?

You: can you come get me… I just really want to get away.

It took him a few minutes to reply to this one as if he was thinking of something to say.

Luke: y/n you know your dad would have a fit. I don't wanna get you in trouble…

You: Luke, please… I can't be here right now

He knew exactly what that meant.

Luke: alright I'm on my way

You let out a sigh of relief as those words popped up on your screen. You hopped up and walked around your room, collecting things you might need for the night and putting them into a backpack. You wanted to be away from here as long as possible. But as you packed, you couldn't help but think about Luke and how grateful you were to have him in your life. He was like that lone ray of sunshine during a thunderstorm.

You'd been best friends with him since elementary school, and you were thankful that you never grew apart. He was always there for you when you needed someone, and he was the only person that knew your situation inside and out. Your father hated him cause he was a threat apparently. Anyone willing to stand up to him was a treat.

Your phone chimed, letting you know that Luke was outside. You grabbed your backpack and slid your phone into your pocket before opening up the window to your bedroom. You wasted no time crawling out of it and running across the lawn to get to Luke's car. He had a shiny new black Camaro, which only fed into the bad boy persona he liked to keep up. You opened the door and slid inside, tossing your backpack into the backseat. He sped off as soon as your door was closed, wanting to get you away from this toxic environment.

“Thank you so much, Luke.” You sighed, running your fingers through your hair. A smile crept across his pale lips, as he gripped the steering wheel.

“It's nothing, Y/n.” His voice was warm and soothing like hot cocoa after a snow day. His right hand reached over and patted your knee, but you couldn't help but flinch at the action. He noticed and pulled his hand away instantly. A deep sigh parted from his lips as he put his focus on driving.

A few minutes had gone by before anyone had said anything else. Luke broke the silence by clearing his thirst. “Did he hurt you?” He was angry and you knew it. You didn't want to make it worse, but you knew you couldn't lie to him. He could always see right through you.

“Yeah.” You answered simply. There was no point in going into details. You'd already cried enough tonight. He simply nodded his head, clenching his jaw as he pulled up to his apartment.

Luke was a little bit older than you, so he had his own place. “I'll get your bag, just make yourself at home.” He said, passing you his keys. You nodded and took them, getting out the car before making your way to the door. You unlocked it and let yourself inside, setting his keys down on the little table in the foyer. You kicked off your shoes before walking deeper into his home. You plopped down on the couch and let yourself sink into it. Luke walked inside and locked the door, following your steps with his shoes and meeting you at the couch.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He asked, placing your bag down on the other side of the sectional before taking a seat next to you. The room was dimly lit by a table top lamp on the other side of the room, but it was just enough light for Luke to see what he hadn't in the car. Mascara tears, a swollen cheek, and a bruise forming on the back of your neck. “Oh, baby,” He whispered with a frown. “What did he do to you?” He seemed to be asking himself as he pushed your hair behind your shoulder to get a closer look at your neck. Your stomach fluttered as he said that. He'd never called you baby before.

“It's nothing.” You said, turning your head a bit so that he couldn't see it.

He blinked before saying anything else. “Y/n, this is something. C’mon, let's get you cleaned up.” He said while shaking his head. He stood to his feet and took your hand, leading you to his bathroom. He seemed to do all the work, treating you as if you were a helpless child with a skinned knee. He picked you up and sat you on the counter top so that you were eye-level with him. He got a washcloth out the linen closet and ran it under the cold water. You watched him ring the water out of it and bring it to your face.

His blue eyes seemed deeper than ever as they gazed into yours. He gently patted the blood off your lip from your self-inflicted wound. You winced slightly and he mumbled a ‘sorry’ under his breath. Next, he moved on to the dried pigmented tears on your cheeks. He whipped gingerly, making sure not to be too rough on your already sore face. This was the most intimate moment you'd ever had with Luke, and you couldn't even help the redness that was starting to spread across your cheeks. He smiled slightly and leaned down, kissing your nose.

“It's okay, you're safe now.” He cooed. His lips were as soft as velvet.

There was a brief moment of silence as he looked into your eyes. Your hands were now on his waist and you were close enough to share breath. Your heartbeat began to pick up as the intensity built up. His lips were now on yours and you didn't want it any other way. He dropped the washcloth in the sink, moving one hand to the back of your head to pull you closer. He was so tender with you, moving at the pace you set. It seemed to go on for a few more seconds before you finally pulled away.

His eyes were wide as he looked down at you. “Y/n, I'm so sorry. I don't want you to think I'm trying to take advantage of you or anything.” He rambled on, trying to justify his actions.

“No, Luke,” you started, shaking your head. “I wanted that too.” You say with a small smile. He seemed relieved to hear those words. “I actually wanted more…” You said, running your index finger down his t-shirt clad chest.

“Y/n, are you sure about this? I don't want anything to change between us.” He said with doubt in his voice. It wasn't that luke didn't want you like that, it was that he didn't want you to regret it and take it all back. All he ever wanted was to love and protect you.

“I've never been more sure about something.” You were confident in the words you were saying. You knew he would never hurt you. You trusted him more than you trusted anyone else.

He took you into his arms and carried you into his bedroom without a word. Luke laid you down on top of his bed, looking down at you as if you were his most prized possession. His hands caressed your body so softly. He didn't ever want to hurt you.

“You are the most beautiful girl I've ever known, Y/n.” He said under his breath while working his fingers down the buttons of your flannel. You couldn't help but smile. His words were so sweet, and you knew he meant them. Once he had gotten to the last button you had sat up to shake the shirt off your shoulders. You reached around and Unclipped your bra yourself as he pulled his shirt off and tossed it onto the floor. You felt exposed, but his gaze never made you feel judgment.  Every bruise or scar that he'd never seen before, every stretch mark or minor imperfection that you'd never let anyone see, they were all okay. He'd never judge you in that way.

“You're perfect.” He said simply before leaning in to kiss your cheek. His lips left behind hot open-mouth kisses from your jaw down to your collarbones. “So perfect, baby.” He murmured, running his hands down your sides. Your breath hitched in your throat as he began to suck softly on the flesh of your neck. Your hands trailed up his back and up his neck until they were tangled into his soft blonde hair. You tugged gently, earning a moan from Luke. His beard tickled your skin as he moved on to a new area. “Fuck, babe.” He whined weakly.

“I want you so bad.” You mumbled. You'd wanted this for a long time, and apparently, he did too.

“I know baby, I know.” He cooed. Your fingers found their way to the button on his jeans. Your pulled it open and unzipped them, pushing them down as far as you could. You slid your hand between his legs, palming him through his boxers. He let out a deep grunt, pulling away from the hickey he’d been working on. “Let me take care of you, Y/n.” He insists, going to work on the button on your jeans. Once he has them open, he starts sliding them down your legs. He lets them drop to the floor as he takes in the full extent of your being. More marks and scars to match the rest of your body. It made him sad to know that someone could hurt an angel like you.

“Luke,” You whisper, already knowing what's running through his head.

“Is not okay, Y/n.” He said while shaking his head. “I love you, and I can't let this happen anymore.”

Those words were like a punch to the gut. It hurt, but it shocked you all at the same time. “Y-you love me?” You asked, getting a nod from the boy standing before you. “I love you too…” you admitted.

“Then let me take care of you. I promise I can protect you, Y/n.” He was serious. You could hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. “Trust me.”

“I trust you.” You said, nodding your head. The smile on his face was the biggest you'd ever seen from him.

“You won't regret this.” He said before leaning in to put his lips back on yours. It felt as if they belonged there. His kiss was so comforting, so loving. As it got deeper, you could feel an aching begin to form between your hips. You wanted him to take you so badly. You scooted to the center of the bed and pulled him down into of you. Everything just felt so right in this moment.

You could feel his hard on against your inner thigh, and it excited you. “Please do something.” Your words were breathy and low. He licked his pale lips and nodded his head, tugging his black polo boxers down his legs before laying down next to you. You bit your lip and took your panties off as he patted his lap. You crawled over and sat on his lap in a straddling position, holding yourself up above his erection.

“Condom.” You said softly, to which he nodded. He reached into his bedside drawer and pulled one out, opening the package with ease. Once it was open he rolled it down into his dick before looking up at you for your next call. He wanted you to feel completely in control of the situation, hence the change of position. You took a deep breath and lifted your hips upward, letting yourself sink down his shaft. Luke let out a deep groan as your walls contracted around him.

“God, Y/n.” His voice was raspy and strained. His eyes had fluttered shut, but he'd never looked more beautiful. Your face was showcasing your distress as you let yourself get used to the feeling of him being inside you. After a few moments, you began to lift yourself, only to slowly sink back down into him. He placed his large hands on either of your hips, guiding you but also supporting you. “So tight.” He whimpers, subconsciously bucking his hips up to meet yours.

You lulled your head back, letting yourself melt into him. You built up a rhythm, starting to roll your hips on a beat with him. You placed your hands down on his chest, biting down on your tender bottom lip. “Luke.” You whined softly, looking down at his pleasure struck face. It amazed you that you were the one doing this to him. He was a mess underneath you. It made you feel powerful for the first time. You had control over something, and he was okay with that.

Luke's hair started to stick to his forehead due to the sweat that was building up on his skin. His cheeks and chest were flushed

And his breathing was heavy. He'd opened his eyes to look up at you. He wanted to see you as you watched him come undone.

“Y/n,” he grunted softly, starting to speed up his thrusts. His body felt warm as the tingling began to build up from a soft buzz to an overwhelming wave. “I'm not gonna later much longer.” His words were breathy and low.

“Me too.” You added, feeling yourself tighten like a vice around his dick. He squirmed underneath you, trying his best to hold off. He wanted you to cum first. He began to run your back soothingly, trying to coach you into your orgasm with soothing words.

“It's alright baby, let it go.” He murmurs softly, coaxing you into it.

You feel a deep wave of ecstasy wash over your body as Luke bucks his hips up one more time, hitting you in the perfect spot. “Luke!” You squeak, cumming all over his dick. He groans deeply, holding your hips down as he cums into the condom. Your eyes close as you let yourself fall onto the mattress beside him, trying to collect yourself. He rolled over and tosses the condom into the trash can before pulling you into his embrace. He kissed your cheek while you pull the blankets up over your bodies.

“I love you, Y/n. I'm always gonna be here for you, no matter what.” Even though he was drifting off, he meant these words and he wanted you to hear them.

“I love you too Luke, thank you for everything.” For the first time in your life, you felt like you could trust a man that said he loved you.