#arc three: the guilty always return to the places that made them. these places are what you can possess and what in the end possesses you.

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Somewhere to Belong | 1/3 | S.R

Gif does not depict the child’s appearance

A/N - this will be a three parter, written for @imagining-in-the-margins Family Challenge.

Part 2 | Part 3

Summary - You and Spencer have only been dating a few months when he drops the bombshell that he wants to start a family and it throws you into turmoil. And that’s only made worse he meets five year old orphan Wren Briar and is determined to do whatever it takes to adopt her. Even if that means destroying your relationship.

Pairing - Spencer Reid x BAU Fem! Reader

Warnings - found family, very brief mention of past addiction and Maeve storyline, post prison arc, age gap between consenting adults (Spencer is late 30s and reader is mid 20s), typical CM case related stuff, child losing her parents, crying child, arguing, swearing.

WC - 8.3k

Part 1

If Spencer Reid were perfectly honest, he’d never wanted for much his entire life. He’d grown used to just accepting what came his way, never letting his expectations or hubris desire more than he was given. 

Wanting for things only led to great disappointment. For example, wanting a mother who wasn’t sick and a father that didn’t walk out on them. Wanting to not have a drug addiction, or the weight of potentially developing schizophrenia. 

He wanted to not have witnessed his first love being shot to death in front of him before he’d ever had a chance to hold her. 

Maeve allowed Spencer for the first time in his life to want for something tangible. A relationship. A wife. A family. But that was snuffed out along with her life at the hands of Diane Turner’s bullet. 

He’d always liked the idea of having a family, the idea of it almost like a guilty pleasure to the young genius. It seemed so far out of reach, out of the realms of the possible for someone like him to accomplish. 

All he’d ever really wanted was somewhere to belong, something more than his mother could offer him; something deeper than the BAU could provide. Somewhere where he fit like a missing puzzle piece. 

He’d always been an overachiever, never having much trouble reaching the goals he set for himself, but that seemed to be one ideal he would never make a reality. 

He allowed himself the fleeting dream of having a family with Maeve but yet again it had been squandered, the flame of possibility extinguished before it really had a chance to burn. 

He’d spent years watching Hotch with Jack and JJ with Henry and later Michael. He’d witnessed Kate and her niece and then the birth of her own baby. Even Morgan with Hank. And later came Matt with his array of children so large it didn’t seem fair. 

As time drew on Spencer found himself growing more and more resentful towards his friends simply because they had achieved something he was sure he never would. 

And time was ticking on for him, he was much closer to forty now, his thirties slipping away in the rear view mirror, soon to vanish entirely from his vision. 

Perhaps it was his incarceration that put everything into perspective for him; maybe in some twisted way Cat had done him a favour by having him arrested. It was entirely plausible that if he hadn’t gone through that ordeal prior to the case that took place in Woodbridge, Virginia, just fifteen miles outside of Quantico, it may not have ended in the way that it had.   

It was his first day back after thirty days off and admittedly he was grateful to be returning to the BAU. He loved teaching, loved imparting knowledge but it didn’t compare to the rush of fulfilment he got when he worked with his FBI family.

Because that’s what they were, right? Family, at least the closest thing to one Spencer really had. Of course he had his mom, his biological family, but what he had with the team was different. 

In a strange way Emily and Rossi were like the parents, while Matt and Tara were like auntie and uncle and JJ, Garcia and Luke were his twisted siblings. 

Which left you. You who’d joined the team around the same time as Matt not long after his release from prison. You who had slotted into the BAU family as if you’d been there all along. 

You who he couldn’t look at like a sister the way he did JJ and Penelope without it being incredibly bizarre given how attracted to you he was. 

You’d shined a light on Spencer’s dark existence, giving him hope for the first time since Maeve. 

And maybe years ago he never would have even considered crossing that line with a coworker, maybe wouldn’t have even had the confidence to pursue you in the first place. 

But a funny thing happened to Spencer while he was incarcerated. In having his walls completely and utterly torn down, leaving him as little more than a foundation, he was able to rebuild, recraft and manufacture a whole new facade. 

This new appearance was more self assured, the walls he’d erected had locked his old insecurities out in the cold. 

Less was the innocence he’d once possessed but instead replaced by assertiveness. He wouldn’t wait around for what he wanted and hope it would fall in his lap. He would go after it and grab it with both hands.

And that’s exactly what he did with you. 

He’d told you in no uncertain terms that he thought you were beautiful and effervescent and that he wanted to take you for dinner. It wasn’t a question, he didn’t ask if you wanted to go to dinner, he told you that’s what was happening. 

You’d found his confidence to be dizzying and electrifying, and also arousing. You hadn’t even stopped to consider the ramifications of going on a date with your colleague. 

It had been the furthest thing from your mind after dinner, when Spencer kissed you outside of your apartment. You hadn’t given it a second thought when you invited him upstairs where you became privy to the true extent of Spencer’s dominance. 

It had been several months of this and as far as you were aware the rest of the team was none the wiser. 

Spencer lavished you with both expensive dates and also afterwards in the bedroom. He was a gentleman in the streets and a wild animal in the sheets. 

But he wanted more from you than you were able to give, that much became apparent two days ago when you were lying in a post coital bliss and Spencer had mumbled absent mindedly, “I want to have a family.” 

He was on the cusp of forty, it was understandable that he would be thinking of those things. But you were still young, close to fifteen years his junior and a family was the last thing you were thinking about. 

What had ensued had been a painfully awkward conversation which you would have rather had with more clothes on. A resolution hadn’t been reached, the discussion simply ended when Spencer told you he needed time to think and proceeded to leave your apartment. 

And you hadn’t spoken in two days.

With all of it whirring around in your brain you had completely forgotten Spencer was due back today and so when he strolled into the round table room, ten minutes later than everyone else and not apologising for that fact, you tried to hide your surprise by staring at the tablet in front of you.

He took the last remaining seat between you and Luke and flipped open the case file leisurely. 

“Nice of you to join us, Reid.” Emily rolled her eyes as she spoke. 

“Hmm.” He didn’t look up. “What did I miss?” 

“Uh, well, as I was saying,” Garcia shook off his slightly abrupt tone and continued her presentation. “Mister and Mrs Briar are the second couple to be killed in their home Woodbridge, both shot in the head, point blank. A week ago, Mister and Mrs Logan also met the same grizzly fate.” 

“And the police think they are connected? Doesn’t seem like a very specific MO.” Rossi frowned, sitting back in his chair.

“There is one piece of information that ties the two families.” Garcia clicked a button on her remote, casting away the crime scene photos in lieu of two pictures of two little girls. “Both the Logan’s and the Briar’s had a daughter who witnessed the whole sorry thing but were gratefully left alive.” 

Spencer skim read the file in front of him before looking up at the screen and the images of the two kids who had gone through something no child should have to. 

His eyes gravitated to the photograph on the left of a little girl with rosy cheeks and a bright smile. She had curly dark hair and expressive green eyes and Spencer felt as though she was looking right at him, maybe even through him. 

“This is six year old Freya Logan,” Garcia pointed at the blonde girl on the right. “And five year old Wren Briar.” 

Wren, cute, he thought. 

“Woodbridge is nearby, so we’ll work the case from here.” Emily pushed herself to her feet. “Y/N, Tara and I will go to the county police department and speak to the sheriff. Luke, Matt go to the latest crime scene. Garcia I need you to find the kids and get them brought in, they may have seen something that could be of help. The rest of you start digging.” 

Everyone nodded in agreement and started off on their separate ways. Emily mouthed to you and Tara to give her a minute before she left the room. 

Spencer left soon after and without meaning to you found yourself on your feet and following him. 

You trailed him to the kitchen when he grabbed his mug and started up the coffee machine. He had his back to you when you entered behind him but somehow he knew you were there. 

“Why were you late? You’re never late.” Your voice was so unsure, like you weren’t even certain you were allowed to speak to him. 

He turned slowly, leaning his back against the counter as he regarded you with his gaze. 

“I overslept.” He shrugged. 

“You never oversleep.” 

“Yeah because I usually get a decent night's rest. But for two nights I’ve been tossing and turning and when I do actually sleep, it’s fretful at best.” His tone was something akin to frustration, frustration that was clearly directed at you. 

“You can’t just drop a bombshell like that and walk off. I haven’t been sleeping either, Spencer.” You lowered your tone to a whisper in case any prying ears were around. 

“I didn’t realise wanting a family with my girlfriend would be such a bombshell.” He folded his arms across his chest, not being quiet with his words the way you were. At least the coffee percolating helped to mask his voice.

“I didn’t even know I was your girlfriend! We’ve never once talked about what we were, let alone having a family. We’ve been dating for a few months, I’m not sure I understand when this got so serious.” You mirrored him and folded your arms too. 

“Relationships are only ever going to end one of two ways, Y/N. They either eventually run their course or you spend the rest of your life together. I was just letting you know my intentions.” 

“Spencer, I’m still young. Marriage and kids is not something I’m thinking about right now.” 

“Well that's all I think about. And if you don’t want that then there really is no point in us being together. I’m not wasting my time with someone who doesn’t want the same things as me.” 

The coffee machine clicked, its sounds starting to fade out. Spencer turned his back on you and shoved his mug under the machine and hit a button. 

“That’s what this is to you? A waste of time?” You let your arms fall to your sides, feeling the weight of his words crash down on you like a tidal wave.

“You tell me.” He shrugged, not looking back at you. “I’ve made my intentions clear, Y/N. It’s up to you what you want out of this. And if it isn’t a family, then I guess yeah, it was a waste of time.” 

You opened your mouth to speak but closed it again quickly. You repeated this several times as Spencer turned with his mug of coffee in hand. He strolled past you without so much as a glance and you dumbly watched him go. 

You couldn’t even go after him if you tried as soon Emily found you and motioned for you to follow her and Tara towards the elevators. 

***

“She won’t talk to me,” JJ sighed exhaustedly, running a hand through her hair as she looked between Spencer and Rossi. “She keeps asking for her daddy. I think she’d be more open with a male.” 

The three of them stood in the corridor outside of the small disused office where Wren Briar and a woman from social services were situated. Her eyes stopped their back and forth and landed on Rossi. 

“Don’t look at me.” Rossi scoffed. “I’m old enough to be her grandpa.” 

JJ pulled a face that told him she agreed before turning to Spencer. 

“You are around her dad’s age.” JJ gave him a shrug. “And you’re great with Henry and Michael.” 

“And Jack. And Hank.” Rossi added. 

“Boys,” Spencer shook his head. “They are all boys. I have no idea what to say to a little girl. A little girl whose parents have just been murdered no less.” 

“Spence, you’re great with kids. I think she would really open up to you.” JJ was pleading with him with both her voice and her eyes. Spencer always did have a hard time saying no to her. 

He glanced passed JJ through the window and on the side of the five year old’s face. Since he’d seen her photograph this morning he had felt a strange emotion bubbling in his chest which he couldn’t quite place.

Maybe protectiveness? Did he feel the need to safeguard this little girl from harm? And if so, why?

He’d had dealings with hundreds if not thousands of kids in his years at the BAU and never felt like this before. He wanted to cushion her, wrap her in bubble wrap and take away all of her pain. 

But he didn’t understand why. 

He looked back at JJ and sighed louder than necessary to convey he wasn’t pleased about this. 

“Fine, but you owe me.” He rolled his eyes, stepping further forward and taking a deep breath before entering the room.

Her astute green eyes snapped up as the door opened, little eyebrows knitted together as she took in the man walking towards her. She seemed wiser than her years, the way she seemed to be curiously regarding him, sizing him up and assessing his threat level. 

Spencer offered the social worker a smile before focusing back on Wren. He crouched down when he reached where she was sitting on the couch so he was her height. 

She clutched a stuffed toy to her chest which appeared to be some sort of dog, maybe a cow, maybe even a panda. It was a dirty off white with splodges of black and long tatty ears. It was slightly ragged and threadbare and clearly a favourite with this little girl. 

“Hi,” he spoke softly, calmingly. “My name is Spencer, can you tell me your name?” 

Of course he already knew it but he needed an excuse to get her talking.

“Wren,” she sucked in a breath. “Like the bird.” 

“Wow, that’s such a pretty name.” His smile grew of its own accord. “You wanna know something cool?” 

She rolled her thin bottom lip between her teeth thoughtfully before nodding her head, her nearly black curls bouncing around her face. 

“Y-yes.” She whispered.

“Wren’s eat spiders and insects that they find while hopping along the ground.” He wiggled his long, slender fingers towards her and to his surprise and delight Wren started to giggle.

“Eww!” she shook her head frantically. “I don’t want to eat spiders!” 

“I’m afraid with a name like that, you might have to.” Spencer laughed, her innocent giggle sending shockwaves through his whole body. 

It melted him from the inside out, as if he were made of chocolate and her laugh was a hot flame. He wanted a child more than anything in the entire world and it was killing him not to have one.

“Noooo!” She shook her head so frantically it was a wonder she didn’t make herself dizzy.

“I’ll make you a deal,” Spencer lowered his voice, leaning in a little closer to Wren. “If you can help me find out what happened to your mommy and daddy, I promise no one will ever make you eat a spider.” 

She pouted dramatically, her lip jutting out so severely it looked almost painful. She loosened her grip on the stuffed dog-cow-panda, patting its scruffy head before gripping its ears in her little fingers. 

“This is Rover,” she turned him so Spencer could see his face and confirmed it was in fact a dog. 

“Hi Rover, I’m Spencer. Do you eat spiders?” He cautiously took hold of one of the dogs paws and shook it. 

“Eww!” Wren giggled again, wrapping her arms tightly around the dog again and wrinkling her tiny nose. “Dog’s don’t eat spiders.” 

He wasn’t going to argue with the little girl that given half the chance most dogs probably would eat spiders. Instead he nodded in agreement.

“You’re right, I'm sorry Rover.” He half-smiled at the stuffed dog. “Did Rover see what happened to your mommy and daddy?” 

Wren once again held the dog tighter, nodding sadly as her eyes downturned. 

“The man made us go into the closet. I closed my eyes but Rover saw everything.” A tear trickled from her large green eye and Spencer couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and gently brushing it away.

She didn’t shy away from him, didn’t even flinch. And when he moved his hand away she grabbed one of his fingers in her own petite little hand. 

Her fingers wrapped so tightly around the digit, her fear evident in the small gesture. Her eyes were filled with tears making her already bright irises even more vivid. She looked Spencer in the eyes, keeping a firm grip on his finger. 

“He shot them. He killed them. My mommy and daddy are dead.” And with that a damn broke and her tears cascaded down her rosy cheeks. 

She let go of Spencer’s finger and fell into his arms where he knelt on the ground, nuzzling her little face against his chest, her tears soaking into his shirt. Tentatively he wrapped the girl in his arms, stroking back her raven head of curls and cooing to her that it would be ok. 

His eyes glanced up towards the window in the door where JJ and Rossi were staring right at him. Wren blew her nose on his tie and he shrugged lightly at his coworkers. 

“Damn, he’s good.” Rossi spoke on the other side of the door. 

“You expected anything less?” JJ smiled wistfully. 

***

When you returned to the BAU later that afternoon with Emily and Tara you were surprised to find the rest of the team, Garcia included, swarmed around Derek Morgan’s old office. 

The three of you approached curiously as the other members gathered around the lone window, clearly staring at something inside. 

“Uh, do we not have a case to be working?” Emily’s voice garnered the attention of the five other agents who spun to face her guiltily. 

You and Tara looked between their faces while they clearly decided who was going to be the one to answer. 

“You need to see this.” Luke spoke with amusement ripe in his voice. 

They parted like the Red Sea to allow the three of you to get to the window. You, Tara and Emily slowly stepped closer until the room beyond was in view. 

On the couch sat Spencer, head forward to his chest and eyes closed tightly. In his lap was a head of dark curls equally as unruly as his own, and a small body curled up next to him, clutching a stuffed toy. Both appeared to be sleeping, Spencer’s limp hand resting on the girl's shoulder. 

“That’s the Briar’s daughter.” JJ filled you all in. “Spence is the only one she would open up to.”

“The social worker got called away and he said he’d stay with her. How long they’ve been like this is anybody's guess.” Rossi added. 

“Isn’t it the most precious thing you’ve ever seen?” Penelope gasped happily. 

She wasn’t wrong. It was utterly adorable. And it warmed your heart and froze it in equal measure. Spencer looked so at home with the little girl, it was only then it occurred to you what an amazing dad he would be. But it wasn’t what you wanted. You weren’t ready for a family, for a child, not like he was. 

You took a few steps back from the window, feeling your heart ripping apart in your chest. You were crazy about Spencer, you weren’t ready for your relationship to come to an end. But if this was how he saw his future, you weren’t sure you could be a part of that.

No one seemed to notice you slip away, too busy watching the man and child sleep peacefully. 

***

Wren took a shine to Spencer in the way no one ever had before. Sure he was good with kids, but with her he didn’t even seem to need to try. 

Over the next few days he learnt that she was incredibly smart, smarter than any five year old he’d ever met before. He wondered if her parents ever had her IQ checked because he would be willing to bet she was gifted. 

She was inquisitive, curious about the world around her. At her instance he’d told her more facts about her namesake, moving onto other facts about other animals and then just facts in general. 

She hung off of his every word, asking questions if she didn’t understand and probing for more knowledge. 

She was gentle and kind and even despite the trauma Spencer could tell she was a happy kid. He was sure if anyone could bounce back from an ordeal of this magnitude it was her. Wren was resilient. 

And the more time Spencer spent with her, the more time he wanted to spend with her. 

She liked it when he read to her so he went out and brought a ton of her favourite books and would sit in Morgan’s old office and he would read. 

He brought his chess set in, thinking her curious mind would enjoy the challenge. She did. A lot. Even if she struggled to grasp the game, she was only five after all. 

But his heart swelled every single time she cautiously lifted a piece, looked up at him with her electric eyes and whispered, “can I move this thing over here?” 

He adored the little names she gave the pieces and stopped correcting her after a while. He preferred her names for them anyway. The prawn. The horsy. The pointy head. The pretty Queen and the brave King. 

She also loved cartoons so after a quick lesson from Garcia on how to operate a tablet and download Netflix, he would sit with Wren and let her watch her favourites on the device while she rested her head on his shoulder. 

He held her when she got sad and missed her mom and dad. He let her shed her tears against his shirt and blow her nose on as many of his ties as she needed. 

He had learnt long ago not to want for anything in life but he couldn’t help himself. This small child had in the space of a few days completely wormed her way into his heart and he never wanted to see a day where she wasn’t a part of his life. 

One more couple met the same fate as the Logan’s and Briar’s before they caught the guy responsible three days later. 

Wren clung to him as the social worker tried to get her to leave, small arms wrapped around his waist while she sobbed into his side and begged Spencer not to let her take her away. 

“Spencer, don't make me go!” She sobbed and screamed at the top of her little lungs. “I don’t want to leave you!” 

“Hey now,” he whispered, crouching down to her height and wiping her tears with the pads of his thumbs. “It won’t be forever ok? I just need to talk to Miss Carol real quick ok?” 

“I heard her talking on the phone, they want to take me away from you.” Her little lip quivered and it shattered his heart. 

“Wren, I promise you I will not let that happen ok? You just have to be brave for me and go with JJ for a moment. Can you do that?” He tucked her messy hair behind her ears.

Wren looked up with watery eyes at JJ who was smiling at her from behind Spencer. 

“You like books right, Wren?” JJ held out her hand. “I can read to you. Time will fly by.” 

Wren sniffled and looked back at Spencer who was trying to smile encouragingly at her. She suddenly flung her arms around Spencer’s neck and held him tightly as if he were her stuffed dog. He held her too, praying to gods he didn’t believe in that it wouldn’t be the last time. 

When she let go she reluctantly took hold of JJ’s hand so Spencer could be left alone with Carol, Wren’s social worker. 

Once JJ left the room with Wren, Spencer stuffed his hands in his pockets as he looked at Carol. 

“What’s going to happen to her?” He scuffed his toe on the worn carpet. 

“She doesn’t have any living relatives.” Carol shrugged. 

“So she goes into the system?” Spencer felt his heart plummet.

“I’m afraid so.” 

“She’s been through enough.” Spencer swallowed, his eyebrows furrowed deeply.

“Unfortunately that’s kind of a prerequisite for foster kids.” Carol sighed. 

“What, uh…what if I could take her?” His words surprised even himself despite the fact it wasn’t the first time he’d considered it. He’d been thinking about it pretty much non stop since he met Wren, but this was his first time saying it out loud. “I know I can’t just take her now, I did the research.”

“You did?” Carol frowned curiously at him. 

“Last night.” He nodded. “I mean I’m an FBI agent so presumably the background checks and stuff would be easy and I know I would need to buy a bigger place with a second bedroom but I started looking at places near Woodbridge, so Wren could still be near her friends and go to school.

I know there are applications and home studies that would need to be done and I know it’s arduous and expensive but I don’t care. I know it takes time but I can wait. I can wait if it means at the end of it all she’ll get to come home with me. I’d even quit the BAU so I could be home more often. I teach in my spare time at the university, much more stable hours, no travel. I am willing to do whatever it takes.” He was rambling and he knew it but he couldn’t stop. 

Carol listened intently, taking in his every word and looking at him curiously. 

“Doctor Reid,” she sighed a little. “I’m not sure all of that would be necessary simply to foster.”

Spencer suddenly frowned at her, not angry necessarily but frustrated that she misunderstood his intentions. 

He cleared his throat, stepped forward and removed his hands from his pockets. He straightened his back and looked Carol dead in the eyes. He needed her to know how serious he was about what he was about to say. 

“I’m not talking about fostering.” He shook his head. “I want to adopt her. I want to be her father.” 

***

As it turned out, adopting a child was even more hard work than Spencer ever anticipated. 

That night after his talk with Carol and after promising Wren several hundred times he would see her again really soon, he went home and delved deeper into the ins and outs of this particular venture. 

The easy part was the fact she’d been orphaned and there were no relatives to have to give over parental rights. That was where the simplicity started and ended.

Adopting a child could take anywhere from six to eighteen months. Not to mention the fact it could cost him anywhere up to forty thousand dollars. 

He’d need a bigger home, that much he already knew and a job with more stable hours which was easy enough to achieve. 

He would have to fill out applications, go through home studies and up to thirty hours worth of parental training. He’d need health exams, proof of income, references from several people close to him. 

All relatively achievable. 

But he would also have to undergo a criminal background check. Although he had been cleared of all charges, his time in prison hadn’t been expunged despite Emily’s attempts. He would have to explain that he spent three months in a federal facility for a murder he didn’t commit. 

Also there was the very real possibility that being a single male would hinder his chances of adoption. From what he’d read it shouldn’t be used to discriminate against him, but it certainly wouldn’t be in his favour. 

If the state thought they could place Wren with a family with two parents instead of one, they were more likely to do that than allow a single man in his late thirties to adopt her. 

If there was ever a time for him not to want for something desperately, with his entire heart, it was now. But for the life of him he couldn’t stop himself. 

But the most important thing he needed to do was talk to Wren. 

She might have enjoyed spending time with him, it might have helped take her mind off of watching her parents die, but that wasn’t to say she wanted to live with him. He needed to stop getting ahead of himself. 

He took a personal day from work and drove out to the halfway house she’d been placed in for the time being. If everything went to plan she wouldn’t have to be here too long. 

The second she saw him her entire face lit up, not just her dazzling green eyes. A huge smile plastered on her tiny face and she ran at full pelt towards him. 

Her wild mane of dark curls was tied back into a ponytail and flew behind her with her speed. When she reached him, Wren threw her arms around Spencer’s waist and squeezed him as tightly as her little body would allow.

“Spencer!” She snuggled against him while he in turn enveloped her in a tight embrace. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too, pumpkin.” It was true, he had and it had only been one night. 

She let go of him before taking him by the hand and marching them both over to a nearby couch. She plopped down on it, he now noticed she had Rover dangling from one hand. 

Spencer sat next to her and she shuffled close to him, as though being near him offered her some kind of protection. 

“I don’t like it here.” She whined a little, choking the stuffed neck of her dog in tiny hands. 

“It'll only be for the short term.” He tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “But you do understand that you can’t go home, don’t you Wren?” 

Her bottom lip pouted in that over dramatic way he’d grown used to. Tears sprung to her eyes as she nodded her head. 

“I miss my mommy and daddy.” She sniffled. 

“I know you do, sweetheart.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she rested her head on his rib cage. 

“I don’t want to live here forever.” She whimpered. 

“And you won’t.” He squeezed her gently. “I wanted to talk to you about that.” 

She raised her head so she could look at him, those large, emerald eyes seeing right through to his soul. 

“How would you…do you think you might…” he trailed off, words failing him. “I was thinking, if you’d like to, maybe you could come and live with me.” 

She blinked several times at him, watching, reading him. It was sometimes hard to believe she was only five years old. 

“I can do that?” One of her little eyebrows raised curiously. 

“If you’d like to. Only if you’d like to. But I would love to have you live with me, Wren. Have you heard of adoption?” He tucked another stray strand behind her ear. 

“No.” She shook her head. 

“That’s ok, I can explain it to you.” He smiled softly. “So when a child like you, loses their parents, they need somewhere to go. At the moment you’re in foster care which is temporary. There are foster families you can stay with but it won’t be like your real home. You might get moved around between different families from time to time. 

Adoption is permanent and that’s what I would like. If I were to adopt you I would become your legal guardian…your dad I suppose. You’d live with me at least until you turn eighteen, maybe longer if that’s what you wanted. You’d have a home for as long as you needed one, a family with me. It isn’t an easy process but one I would very much like to go through if that’s what you want.” 

Again the girl blinked him, probably only really understanding half of what he was saying. 

“I had a dad. He died.” She frowned. 

“I know, and I’m not…you don’t have to call me dad. I’m not trying to replace your dad. But I would be responsible for you.” 

“Would I have a new mom too?” Her frown deepened. 

“Uh, no. No mom, just me.” He shrugged. “Look Wren, I think you are a wonderful little girl and I would be absolutely honoured to be your adoptive dad. But I want what’s best for you and if you don’t want that then-”

“Can we play chess if I live with you?” She cut him off. 

“As often as you’d like.” He smiled.

“And will you read me bedtime stories?” 

“Every single night.” His smile grew. 

“Can I have a My Little Pony bedspread?” She started smiling too. 

“I don’t see why not.”

“What about Rover?” She suddenly gasped, clutching the small dog tightly. 

“What about him?” Spencer frowned. 

“Where will he live? I can’t go without him!” She was suddenly beside herself with panic and Spencer couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“It’s a good job I’ve got room for him too then, isn’t it?” 

Her eyes lit up again and sparkled in that innocent way that fed Spencer’s soul. Her lip twitched at the corner. 

“Really?” She bounced a little in the chair.

“Really.” He felt tears gathering behind his eyes. 

“Ok!” Wren nodded. “I think we would like that.” 

Spencer wanted to collapse into tears at those words. If Wren wanted to live with him he would do everything in his power to make that happen.

He knew as he looked at her sparkling eyes and tiny pure smile, he would go to the ends of the earth for this little girl. 

He already loved her with his entire being. And no matter what the adoption process threw at him, he would make it through. He would do it for her. 

***

When he handed his letter of resignation to Emily a week later and explained his reasons for leaving, she’d quite rightly been shocked. 

But she’d also been incredibly encouraging of his newfound love of an orphaned little girl. 

He glowed when he spoke about her, happier than she’d seen him in such a long time. And although she hated to lose him from the team, she knew it was for the greater good. 

The next step was a new home, a family home, one big enough for him and Wren. Between looking at houses and starting to pack up his own apartment, he hired an attorney to aid him in his adoption battle. 

Although it was the more expensive route, Spencer decided to go down the path of independent adoption. It would mean he would have to do the work an agency would normally do but he always had been a control freak. And he was far more invested in the outcome and would therefore work harder to get Wren home. 

He visited her every day. He took books and his chess set and they spent hours together in the halfway home. He showed her pictures of the houses he’d seen and asked her what she thought. 

One in particular was a cute three bedroom suburban home with a canary yellow picket fence and a green front door. Her little eyes had sparkled when she looked at it and she jabbed her finger at the printout. 

“I want to live here.” She got a little shy as she vocalised it. 

He wondered if it was because she knew. 

The house in question was less than a block from the home she’d witnessed the death of her parents in. She probably walked it past it frequently. 

He wasn’t sure that living so close to a place that held so many bad memories for her would be a good idea, but he also thought it might allow her to feel close to the family she’d lost. 

“Really?” He asked tentatively. “Do you know where it is?”

He nodded defiantly. 

“Near mommy and daddy’s house.” 

“And you want to live near their house? Won’t it make you sad?” 

“I'm always sad.” She confessed, pouting her lip drastically. “Except when you’re here.” 

His heart doubled in size, practically leaped right out of his chest. God he didn’t think it was possible to love her anymore than he already did but she kept proving him wrong. 

“You mean that?” He smiled, tears brimming in his eyes. 

“Yes.” She nodded again. “You make the bad go away.” 

His emotions betrayed him and a few tears fell from his eyes causing Wren to gasp. 

“Oh no! Why are you sad, Spencer?” She grabbed one of his fingers in her hand and squeezed it. 

“I'm not sad.” He smiled. “These are happy tears. I’m just…I’m just so happy I met you. I wish I could make everything better for you, I wish I could bring your mommy and daddy back, I do. But I promise you, as long as I’m alive, you have a family ok?” 

With her free hand she reached for Spencer’s cheek and brushed his tears the same way he did to her. Her little fingers were soft and a little damp. 

“I miss my mommy and daddy all the time.” She whispered as though it was a secret. “But I think they would be happy that you want to be my new family.” 

God she was so smart. Way smarter than her years. He really would need to have her IQ tested. 

“I hope so, pumpkin.”

“Why do you call me pumpkin?” She sat back, looking at him curiously. 

“Because I love Halloween.” And I love you. 

“I love Halloween!” She clapped her hands together. “Can we go trick or treating?” 

Spencer chuckled, yet again tucking her rogue hair behind her ears and off of her little rosy face.

“We can on Halloween. But right now it’s March, we have a few months before October.” 

“But can we go trick or treating on Halloween?” 

“Of course, pumpkin.”

Seven months. He had seven months until Halloween. Seven months to bring her home. 

He hoped he wasn’t making promises he couldn’t keep. The last thing this little girl needed was more disappointment. The last thing he needed was more disappointment. 

After that he spent the next hour watching Wren draw pumpkins and witches and ghosts in crayon while he told her facts about Halloween. 

He left with a picture she’d drawn for him. 

It was of the house with a canary yellow fence and green front door. In front of the house was Wren and Rover who was drawn wildly out of proportion. 

And then there was a tall, slim man with crazy curls holding Wren’s hand. 

In the bottom corner she’d scrawled in her childlike handwriting: my new family. 

***

That same day Spencer called his realtor and made an offer on the house in Virginia whilst putting his own apartment up for sale. 

He knew buying a house took time but it was time he didn’t have. He’d sent off his adoption applications and the background checks were in full swing but without the house he couldn’t start his home studies which at minimum took three months. 

At least once the background checks were out of the way he would be able to take Wren out of the halfway home for a few hours at a time, supervised by a social worker of course but it was better than nothing. 

He was prepared for the questions about his incarceration and had already discussed as such with his attorney. He had transcripts from his therapist who had cleared him for duty, citing him mentally sound. 

He had Emily write a letter explaining the whole situation, how he was framed and all the gory details surrounding the case and the proof of his innocence. 

He also had letters regarding his character from people who knew him well and could vouch for the fact he would be a great dad. One being from BAU co-founder David Rossi, a name that garnered respect everywhere he went. 

And in the capacity as a mother, Jennifer Jareau who talked at great lengths about how Spencer was the worlds greatest godfather to her boys and how amazing he was with them. 

Emily, Rossi and JJ were three great people to have on his side. 

He’d done everything he could for the time being and for the most part it was now just a painful waiting game. 

His house sale and purchase seemed to be moving smoothly so in his free time when he wasn’t teaching and he wasn’t with Wren, he continued packing up his apartment so he would be ready to get into his new house the second the sale was finalised. 

His apartment was mostly boxes these days, sad, taunting boxes filled with his possessions while he waited for the phone to ring. 

On his last visit to see Wren she’d told him exactly how she would like her new bedroom so some boxes contained flat pack furniture and paint cans. 

She wanted her walls to be orange and when he’d frowned and asked her why she simply replied, “because pumpkins.” 

He couldn’t very well argue with that. 

He managed to talk her down from a bright and garish orange to more of a burnt autumnal colour. She picked out her bed along with a My Little Pony bedspread, and wardrobes from magazines Spencer had shown her and he’d purchased strings of pumpkin shaped fairy lights. 

At her insistence, he’d also brought a dog bed for Rover. 

He may be jumping the gun, wasting his money on such things when he still had a long road ahead of him before he’d be able to take her home. 

And there was also the very real possibility he may never be able to take her home. 

Honestly, Spencer couldn’t let himself think of that. If he let himself consider that outcome he would crumble. 

In such a short space of time Wren had become his entire world and he couldn’t lose her. He wouldn’t lose her. 

He was packing up the last of his books when there was a knock at his apartment door. 

He spun to look at it, boxes piled so high it was like a labyrinth just to get to it. He frowned, mentally trying to ascertain a path but coming up empty. 

“Uh, who is it?” He called, trying to clamber closer.

A stretch of silence met his ears and in the meantime he stumbled over a box and narrowly avoided landing head first in another. 

“It’s Y/N.” You spoke eventually, sounding exhausted. 

He closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose. In all the stress surrounding him, he hadn’t given you a second thought. 

Fuck, I messed up. 

“Uh the door should be unlocked.” He called back and a moment or two later it opened.

You took a step inside, eyes quickly scanning the disarray in the room before finding Spencer’s face, poking out from between two piles of boxes. 

“Marco,” he joked but you didn’t laugh. 

“Were you ever going to tell me you quit the BAU?” You folded your arms over your chest, staying put by the front door. “And moving by the looks of things. Was I going to be the last person to find that out too?” 

“I’m so sorry.” He shrugged meekly, knowing he owed you more than a simple apology. “Everything is happening so fast. I needed to move quickly, the faster I get things sorted the faster she can come home with me.” 

Your frown deepened and he could see the confusion rolling off of you in waves. 

“What are you talking about? Who’s coming home with you?” 

He inhaled sharply, exhaled heavily. Of course Emily, Rossi and JJ knew of his adoption plans but he had asked them not to tell the rest of the team. If it didn’t work out he didn’t want them to be privy to his failure. 

But truthfully he expected them to spill the beans. He knew you’d all have a lot of questions regarding his sudden departure from the team and thought at least one of you would get it out of them. It appeared not. 

“Well, uh, I’m in the process of trying to adopt a little girl.” He shrugged and braced himself for your reaction. 

Your arms fell to your sides and your eyes doubled in size as you glared at him as though he’d told you he was going on a killing spree and not that he was adopting a kid. 

He supposed both would be equally concerning. 

“I’m sure I didn’t hear you right.”

“No, you did.” He tried to step closer to you but he seemed to have boxed himself into a corner quite literally. “You remember the couples that were killed in Virginia? I kinda bonded with one of the kids. Wren. Wren Briar. She’s in a foster facility at the moment but I’m working on adopting her.” 

Somehow the more he explained the less you understood. 

“Are you serious?” You scoffed. 

“Very.” 

“Jesus Christ, Spencer.” You shook your head in disbelief. “You bonded with a kid on a case and now you want to bring her home? Play happy families with a child who lost her parents?” 

“Yes, that’s exactly what I want to do.” He tried to shuffle between the piles of boxes but was once again thwarted. 

“Do you realise how insane that sounds?” Your tone was incredulous. 

“Why does that sound insane? She needs a family and I’ve always wanted one.” He frowned at you. 

Of course he understood why you may be concerned but he hadn’t expected this reaction. 

“So you meet someone, you get married. And when the time is right you start a family.” 

“I have tried that! I’ve tried it the “normal” way and that’s never worked out for me. I am thirty nine years old, I don’t know how much longer I can wait.” He was growing angry. 

“So you’re just skipping to the end? Spencer this is not how you dreamed of having a kid!”

“No, you’re right, it’s not!” He suddenly raised his voice, shoving over a pile of boxes in his way so he could get closer to you. “I dreamed of having kids with Maeve and then she was killed in front of me. Then I dared to dream of having a family with you but you shot that idea right down. It’s not ideal, I am aware of that. But goddammit I love that little girl and I will give her a home. I will be her family and she will be mine.” 

“Spencer,” you softened, his eyes wild and scaring you a little. “She’s what, five? She’s already on her way to becoming a fully realised human being. Her personality is already formed, she’s had five years of life where you weren’t a part of it and you just expect her to fall seamlessly into the role of your daughter? Have you ever even considered how hard it’s going to be for her? She lost her parents, they are dead. You really think you can just swoop in and pretend to be her father when she watched her real dad die?” 

“Get out.” He spat harshly. “Get the fuck out of my home.” 

“Spencer I-”

“No, don’t. If you’re not going to be helpful then you can leave.” 

You shook your head in sadness at him, sighing deeply. 

“I might not be ready for a family right at this second but I didn’t once say I wouldn’t want one someday. But you’re so determined to rush this, to skip to the happy ending. We could have had that one day.” 

“That’s not good enough for me.” He finally lowered his voice. “I’m in love with you Y/N, I know I’ve never said that before but I am. And I don’t want to wait to start a family because I love you. But if we don’t want the same things then we have no future. I’m adopting Wren, no matter what it takes and if you can’t be happy for me then walk away.” 

And without another word, that’s exactly what you did. You walked away. 

In another scenario, maybe even in another life you would have told him that you loved him too. 

Instead you simply walked away. 

[loveoaths]

TAG DROP: SANDAIME KAZEKAGE.

DEFAULT CANON VERSE.

verse: elegies are my forms — i erase and await the one who will erase me. truly‚ i am death. ( default )  /  /   default verse. covers the sandaime’s canon time-span.  

arc one:  i live in the heart of a coming sun. i seek shelter in the childhood of night‚ resting my head on the lap of morning.  ( youth ) /  /    extends from childhood to the days leading up to his coronation.

arc two:   this will be the age of beauty: an age that crumbles like sand and fuses like zinc; an age in perpetual decline.  ( reign )  /  /   covers kelela’s reign as sandaime kazekage.

arc three:  the guilty always return to the places that made them. guilt is a place; it may possess you. ( puppet )  /  /   the marionette years.

arc four:  sometimes what keeps you alive is a mystery. ( wandering )  /  /   kelela remains animated after the war by sheer force of will. he wanders wind country observing his people, protecting the borders, and dreaming always of the life and lives he lost.

alternate universe tags.

verse:  and i shall remain‚ for my own self hedges me in.  ( au )  /  /    alternate universe: kelela never dies.

verse:   i attack and uproot. i know i am in the spring of death. i delve into the grave but the soil knows i am alive. ( au )  /  /   alternate universe: kelela makes a deal with a desert spirit and achieves eternal life in exchange for a dark promise.

[ironharvests]

verse tag drop: kelela ( sandaime kazekage ).

default verse tags.

verse: elegies are my forms — i erase and await the one who will erase me. truly‚ i am death.   /  /   default verse. covers the sandaime's canon time-span.  

arc one:  i live covertly in the heart of a coming sun. i seek shelter in the childhood of night‚ resting my head on the lap of morning.   /  /    extends from childhood to the days leading up to his coronation.

arc two:   this will be the age of beauty: an age that crumbles like sand and fuses like zinc; an age in perpetual decline.   /  /   covers kelela’s reign as sandaime kazekage.

arc three:  the guilty always return to the places that made them. these places are what you can possess and what in the end possesses you.   /  /   the marionette years.

arc four:  sometimes what keeps you alive is a mystery.   /  /   kelela remains animated after the war by sheer force of will. he wanders wind country observing his people, protecting the borders, and dreaming always of the life and lives he lost.

alternate universe tags.

verse:  and i shall remain‚ for my own self hedges me in.   /  /    alternate universe: kelela never dies.

verse:   i attack and uproot. i know i am in the spring of death. i delve into the grave but the soil knows i am alive.   /  /   alternate universe: kelela makes a deal with a desert spirit and achieves eternal life in exchange for a dark promise.

[wasitapossum]

Ok but hear me out.

The life series pairings as The Crane Wives songs.

Obviously Curses is the overall series song because we all know the animatic by Chrisrin. (Go check it out if you haven’t!!)

Etho and Bdubs in last life-

Song: Tongues and Teeth

Why?: just listening to it reminds me so much of that scene where bdubs threathens etho and tries to get him to go red life with him.

Quote: “you gotta know that this won’t last, desperation will erase this fact.”

Scott and pearl in last life/double life-

Song: The Moon Will Sing

Why?: they were so close in last life and now in double life Scott turning his back on pearl and instead choosing to be soulmates with Cleo is just- wow ouch. Not to mention Martyn leaving pearl at the end there like damn pearl really is having a rough time huh.

Quote: “name your courage now, we could have had anything, anything else. Instead you hoarded all that’s left of me.” (This one was hard to choose, just listen to the song and you’ll understand)

Grian and Scar in all three series-

Song: Allies or Enemies

Why?: their relationship from third life to double life has been so on and off that it’s always been hard to tell whether they truly were on each other’s side. Third life grian was obligated to follow scar but eventually admitted to not wanting scar to die and not wanting to kill him and then last life where grian and scar were going through their divorce arc and staying as far from each other as possible, to now in double life where it seems Grian feels once again obligated to keep scar alive because they’re soul bound. It’s just the perfect amount of angst.

Quote: “what happens now? Do we have another go? Do we bow out? And take our separate roads?”

Cleo and BigB in last life-

Song: Metaphor

Why?: the quote says it for me, need I say more.

Quote: “I keep my closet free of skeletons, cause I’m much better at diggin graves. But I always dig up bones in your sympathy. I can’t trust a single thing you say.”

Jimmy and Tango in double life-

Song: Canary in a Coal Mine

Why?: y’all saw this one coming.

Quote: “and when you break the surface without me, please don’t return me to the dark of all the memories.”

Ren and Martyn in third life-

Song: Never Love an Anchor

Why?: this pairing was honestly hard to place but I do believe this song fits with them well. Martyn was incredibly loyal to Ren, he stayed by his side and even killed Ren when he asked (although with hesitation) because he’d do anything for him. But even that dragged Martyn down in the end and got them both killed. Their love for each other was their undoing.

Quote: “it’s a secret I keep tucked inside my chest, With this heart of mine that’s guilty not remorseful. There is love that doesn’t have a place to rest, but it would have buried you if it had settled on your shoulder.”

If you made it to the end of this I commend you.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E131 (March 30, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are Liam O’Brien and Sam Riegel!

Brian points out that a lot of Caleb’s greatest fears have come to pass. Liam: “It’s funny, because he’d kind of believed for a while that those things weren’t going to happen. After a while, he got complacent.” He notes that it was extra wild because everything with Trent popped up again in the midst of that complacency. And how did it feel to be defiant toward Trent? “I think Trent successfully made Caleb question if Caleb really was in control“ at the dinner party. “I feel like anything that I do is part of his plans for me, or is that just gaslighting? I’m legitimately scared of that dude.” Sam: “Of Matt?” Liam: “Sure.” He highlights the disconnect between knowing that the M9 is mechanically powerful and could possibly defeat Trent in a dice-and-stats battle, versus fearing him in a story sense and being convinced he can do almost anything.

Sam, on Luc’s death: “That was brutal, man. Matt Mercer is a-- he hates children! Clearly. He actively sought to kill a child in the campaign in as brutal a way as possible. He hates children and wants them dead. Canon. No, but to RP, that was horrible.” He highlights that so much of Veth’s arc has been about trying to get back to her family. “We had to choose something and we thought we were making the right choice. It was all Veth’s fault, and it was pretty rotten. My heart was beating pretty fast, and I certainly didn’t want to have my son die live on the stream. I don’t know what Veth would have done. That’s the end, that’s over. It’s almost worse than when your own character would die. This is something that would also kill Veth.” After the episode was over: “just shaken. I also didn’t know what to do next! That felt like a turning-point moment for my character, weirdly so close to what we assume to be the end arc of this campaign. I texted Matt later that night and was like, that’s it, Veth’s out, I’m tapping out.”

There’s an interlude in which Sam discovers a new dream to record an episode of this show from his Peloton. Dani informs him that she will not be inviting him back.

On Astrid, Liam: “I literally don’t know what she’s doing. I know that she’s dangerous, she always was ambitious, and there’s not been a moment where Caleb let his guard down with her. He’s not trying to reestablish what they had. He cares for the both of them, for Astrid and Eodwulf. He thinks about it a lot, still. He can’t tell how much she buys into everything that she experienced and is now living as a full-grown adult. He suspects that she’s bought in and is not going to change things, because she believes in the system, as much as he’d like to peel her away. He does believe that they want what’s best for the Empire, and stopping whatever wants to come vomiting out of a hole in the frozen north is good for everyone. And they’re powerful. They’re not trustworthy, obviously. But there’s enough at stake to make it worth it. He could imagine a situation where they fight each other to the death.” He was convinced Astrid was going to stop them when they left the tower and was really shocked when she held back. Sam: “Not me! I’ve trusted Astrid since day one. She’s the greatest! I sent a letter to her, she’s very nice, I think you guys would be a nice couple. I believe every word she says.”

On having to decide on Veth deciding to go off and save the world after Luc’s death. “Like I said, I was ready to be done. And then I decided somewhere in there that that’s not very D&D. So I thought I’d leave it up to somebody else, so I asked Caduceus to decide for me, essentially. She knows she’s putting her other family in danger if she doesn’t go. It’s an impossible choice, you know?” Liam: “I love watching you grapple with it, because you’re a lovely father and love your kids.”

On the Sanatorium, Sam: “That was brutal, man. Matt lulls you into a sense of complacency. We’d forgotten that Caleb was a stone-cold killer! It had been a while since he went on a murder spree. Still got it!” Liam: “I never meant for this character to be perfect sunshine.” Brian: “You don’t say.” Liam: “He’s very not-perfect, and I think in his brain, he was going in with the impression that they needed to get in and get out as soon as possible. The place is crawling with people with magic ability, and I didn’t have faith that we wouldn’t be sussed out or something wasn’t going to blow an illusion.” Everything was about getting out of there as fast as possible.

Did the conversation with Yeza help with Veth’s decision? “First of all, every conversation with Yeza is a beautiful one. Every time she talks to Yeza, it makes her feel good. In some ways, she’s gotten to the point now where she knows Yeza’s going to be supportive, she knows he’s going to allow her to do what she wants, but maybe that’s too much. Maybe she needs to not listen to him, basically, and be like, no, you need to be selfish now, dude, you need to say ‘come home, I’m sick of you leaving’. At a certain point, being supportive can turn into being enabling.”

Cosplay of the Week: Jester in the snow! (liljerbear47, photography by kairiceleste on Instagram)

On Trent’s motivations for chasing Caleb: “I really don’t know. The simplest explanation is to just hammer down the nail that’s sticking up. It has crossed his mind that all high-level wizards are in danger of their own ambition and egos, so it’s occurred to him that Trent might have the same kind of ideas that Halas had in the past, and maybe Caleb was always meant to be another body to jump into. Maybe in some sick, disgusting, twisted way, he wants him to be his successor. I am thinking of the next campaign, without getting too deep in, trying to do something that is much more ride-along. Caleb is very, very specific, and I thought long and hard about all the different pieces on the chessboard for him. For campaign three, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens.”

Dani: “Do I need to be keeping lore on your fucking ads?”

On the cursed dagger: “It was a tricky one, because in campaign one, one of the characters was under the influence of a cursed weapon, but it interacted with him and he knew what it was and what it did. And it affected his gameplay as a character. For me, Veth didn’t know what it was, ever. I as a player knew what it was doing, but Veth didn’t know at all. So it was kind of like my dirty, dark secret for many months. I knew this thing was coming perilously close to killing me, but my character didn’t know enough to bring it up to her friends. Nobody ever asked! So I was like, well, I guess this thing’s just going to kill me one day, and it’s kind of going to be a surprise.” Liam: “Sam, you love danger and self-destruction so much, you might as well be Mollymauk.”

On the fight in Yasha’s sequence, Sam: “You gotta put a character in your storm giant creature. It was so fun! It was so great of Matt to involve us in this encounter. It would’ve been fun just to watch, because Matt would have made it amazing and Ashley was sweating bullets, which is always fun to watch.” Sam notes he felt guilty, but Liam was going for the kill. Liam: “Matt’s gotta be careful about giving me that kind of story beat. I do not fucking care, I just fucking flip, I’m like, well, I’m going to destroy you, and I have no qualms about it. It’s too much fun!”

The Beau/Yasha tower date was in part inspired by not being able to give gifts as easily this last year. “This thing that we do together is a gift, but I love finding these moments, like the book for Jester and the tower for Yasha and for Beau. I really just wanted to give both of them a little magic for a night. I wanted them to leave this-- we’re trying to be as entertaining as possible, but shit is having an effect on all of us too, and I wanted them to have an escape, a great place to escape to.”

Fan Art of the Week: an amazing group shot, plus Marion, Yeza, and Luc! (vocaz on Twitter)

On choosing Essek over Trent, Liam: “It would have been so interesting and awful and great! Essek and Astrid and Eodwulf are everything that Bren used to be attracted to that are terrible for him. Essek, hopefully he can with time find a way out of the hole that he dug himself into, but it was only two months ago where he was found out and his ambitions came crashing down around him. Long-term, I have high hopes for him, but I think it’s going to be hard.” In contrast, Astrid and Eodwulf are still “deep in the shit. It would have been really hard to navigate, but fun to play at the table. We made the right choice with what we went with. Essek’s just getting started, and Caleb doesn’t trust him entirely, because he was burned so hard not too long ago. He’s still more trustworthy than the other three. So it’s the better choice. While Caleb has all these ties on the other side, they’re really fucking dangerous. So if you have to choose, you choose Essek. But fuck that die.” Sam: “Veth, much like Sam Riegel, makes instant decisions about whether to trust someone or not and sticks to it forever. Astrid, 100% trust. Eodwulf, 100% distrust. Essek, completely distrust. I still don’t think he’s a good guy. Ikithon? Trust. 100%. Because you know where he’s coming forward, you know what he wants. I still want him dead, but I trust him.”

On Veth’s post-adventuring plans: “Veth is probably still too in it right now to think about what comes next. I, Sam Riegel, have a good idea of what I want Veth to do post-campaign.” Brian: “Maybe you shouldn’t tell us. Save it for the show!” Sam: “All she knows is she can’t do this anymore. It’s very unhealthy to be battle-wounded every other day. It’s fun for a while, but college has to end at some point, and she’s gotta go home.”

On Frumpkin changing appearance and returning to the Feywild: “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but the way it feels now for Caleb is that he feels too enmeshed in everything that has happened, and too much good has happened, and too much needs to happened, that that really narcissistic, selfish goal has the risk of harming everything else, which is more important. And that’s how he looks at it now. So he’s gearing towards letting everything from the beginning of the campaign, and where he started, go, and trying to figure out what use he’s going to be now and what he’s going to do if they’re not all dead. If Matt throws that shit down, I don’t know what I will do, I think about it a lot. But turning Frumpkin white and saying you’re free either way is him preparing to let go of everything he’s been holding on to for a really long time. He’s addicted to that idea that he can fix himself, and we’ll see if that hard choice gets presented, what he might do. But where he stands now, he doesn’t think that’s going to be reality, and he sees a way that he can be of use that he never really anticipated before, so he’s slowly shifting gears towards living with the pain he was trying to remove.”

On the last request scene and confidence heading into Aeor, Sam: “I feel like that’s a good request. I think all of us realized that if we die, that probably bodes badly for the world. I feel like all of us are at a point now as characters and as friends, that the first order of business would be to take care of everybody else’s shit, although we probably have different ideas of how to do that.” Liam: “I want the Empire to be healed, Caleb has all these memories of his parents and what they wanted for the world, and he wants that too. It’s clearly not in place now, the system needs to be broken and replaced. That could be a part of Caleb’s sunset. I don’t want Caleb to die, so maybe he can work on that after. As everything starts to shake out and we start heading towards our destiny, Caleb’s just free-floating. He’s not even going after the same thing he started for. So he’s looking at Veth’s family, and Luc specifically, and seeing that’s me, that’s a little boy in the Empire.”

[leonawriter]

Second half of what was going to be just one post but I wanted to make each point stand out on its own-

I think that the Port Mafia is going through a character development arc throughout the manga, just the same as the ADA is, and by the time the series ends will be almost unrecognisable from the mafia we started out with.

Funnily enough, the first person who springs to my mind when I think of this is actually Kouyou. Though I will touch on others later on.

Kouyou is certainly not the first PM member we meet. Strictly speaking, that’d be Dazai, or Higuchi, or Akutagawa. But I feel like her change is the most indicative of the route the mafia is taking, and the difference between the pre-manga PM, and the PM after the manga started, and after several arcs. In fact, this is also something I tend to try and think about when writing her in fics, because it is highly relevant.

Chronologically, we know that her timeline is thus; she was part of the mafia in the time before Mori took over, and under the old boss she wanted to run away, likely encouraged by an older man who she may have had feelings for, romantic or not. That man died, and left her feeling that no matter what, she would be unable to escape the darkness. At some time after that, Mori took over the mafia. A year later, she was one of his trusted subordinates, and she is tasked with taking a young Chuuya - previously an enemy of the mafia, and someone who had no idea how to talk to the mafia’s business partners - under her wing. She would go on to become an executive, and at some time before the manga began, found and took in Kyouka. She would then go on to be murderously protective of her young ward, much like a mother or older sister, and encourage her to believe as she had - that she would never be able to live in the light.

So what we see from this is that Kouyou up until this point is a woman with a dark past and a dark heart who is full of grief, and I think that a lot of people overlook this because she’s beautiful and because the way she is later is more popular, but... she is just as guilty of perpetuating the cycle of abuse as Mori, Dazai, and Akutagawa. She was imparting to Kyouka the same “life lessons” that she had learned herself, in much the same way that Atsushi’s headmaster had. Both of those people had suffered, and so both of them taught their charge in a way that they saw as somewhat more forgiving than what they had gone through, in a way that to them would ready the child for the outside world and their future, but was ultimately doing more harm than good.

So, what changes?

I’d say that to answer “Dazai” is to over-simplify things.

The situation had become such that it was no longer viable. Kyouka refused to go back to the mafia. Kouyou was afraid for her, that she would lose herself in some way, and despite her previous words to Atsushi, she did want Kyouka to succeed; or at the very least, saw how a failure would break her, as we see it does while she’s in the jail plane, chained up in midair. Their organisations are not just at odds, but as an executive she’d have to be seeing that neither of them are in a safe position.

Kouyou was already in the perfect place to accept Dazai’s suggestions before he came to her with them (and, admittedly, he may have predicted that things would get to this point, may have used the situation to his advantage).

So, what changes the way that she sees things?

Dazai is one aspect. A rather large one, considering how he himself puts that he managed to get out of the mafia, and is someone with his sort of past (and personality) who not only made it out, but has been staying out, and succeeding. He also points out that with him present in the ADA, he’s able to ensure that Kyouka can flourish in the way that she deserves to.

Atsushi is another aspect, I’d say, because he was the one who was willing to suggest that their organisations work together.

Even just staying with the ADA and not being treated with anything other than respect (and yes, that includes “respect for how dangerous she can be”) would work towards this.

In summary, Kouyou before the Three Company Conflict arc is a grief-ridden woman filled with despair, who sees herself as someone only capable of showing her true potential in the darkness. She comes out of said arc as someone who appears happy with where she is, and who chooses to be where she is, yet who is also happy to help Kyouka from the shadows.

This is just focusing on the one I feel is the best representation of this phenomenon of PM members coming out better. 

Another would have to be Chuuya, which is something that many people have written about, myself included, on how before the manga starts he’s bitter over Dazai’s defection, seeing that trust in his partner as having been shattered. Yet over the course of their first reunion, he is forced to see that his partnership with Dazai need not be over simply because Dazai is now a traitor to the mafia, and that Dazai, well, missed him. As a person. That the connection is still there. And later, during the Lovecraft battle, they work together fluidly again, just like old times and reminding them that just because they’re older, doesn’t mean they’re too much different to still be partners. You can really see it in Dead Apple, where his acceptance of Dazai is less in how willingly he trusts in him and activates Corruption, and more in how comfortable he is after he’s woken up again both in the movie when he sees Akutagawa, and in the promo images where he’s still next to Dazai, and they’re smiling.

Akutagawa needs almost no explanation, given how his arc is still ongoing, and he’s already gone from being the rabid dog of the mafia who kills before he thinks to someone who goes out of his way to leave people alive, and who because of that, is learning to see things from another point of view, just as Dazai wanted of him.

Yet, it’s not just these obvious ones; Higuchi has to work with the ADA on several occasions, tempering down on her novice’s pride in her organisation that she had on her introduction, and is also coming into her own as well. Kajii may well have taken something from his encounter with Yosano, and we see how he’s more than just a mad lemon scientist when he says how much he respects Mori (and I wonder if anything else is going to happen with that). Hirotsu is now able to talk with Dazai again and it isn’t something that he would have to worry about being seen as treasonous. 

And last but not least, Mori himself - when it’s said during his match against Fukuzawa that they’ve both got more to protect now, that’s not just cheap words; Mori protects his people. He shows grief when his people die and it was out of his control. He accepts that an alliance with the ADA is the best and most optimal course when it’s put on the table, even with the understanding that it’ll put them at a disadvantage in the short term. He is forced to begin to come to terms with things about his past that he had been trying to rationalise, and ignore, such as how his actions led to Dazai’s defection, and I sincerely believe that although he does not regret what he did, he does regret how it ended, and what it cost him. 

Mori, the leader of the mafia, is being forced in the current arc  to come face to face with the realisation that the mafia can’t live as an island, merely taking from the ADA what they need and giving nothing in return. It is Mori’s lack of action that led to things becoming as bad as they are now, and because of that, his own people are suffering. I’ve said this before to personal friends, but I do think that this is indicative of the mafia’s growth as a group - Mori needs to learn that the alliance with the ADA has to be an equal one.

What’s more, the ADA is learning through their own growth in general that they have to be able to trust the PM in return.

What does this say to me? 

Other than that the characters of the mafia have been influenced positively by the plot, into becoming better versions of themselves, and the development is still in progress because the series isn’t over? That you can’t write them the way they are now, into a fic set years before the series starts?

That the themes of BSD are such that the PM represent the underside of society, a cruel and callous way of thinking that we often don’t wish people to see, or that we cover up. That even the ADA, on the twilight of the law, is still more often than not too proud to accept the help of criminals who are less ashamed and more forward about the way that they do things being criminal. That both sides are slowly moving down the path of being able to accept one another better, and in doing so, they’ll better be able to accept themselves.

We already see this with Kouyou and Akutagawa and Chuuya especially. We see this with Dazai, and to a degree with Kyouka. I believe that the longer the series goes in this direction, the more other ADA characters will accept themselves; such as Tanizaki, with his ability to use his ability in ways that Hirotsu notes are “perfect for assassination,” and with Ranpo, who hides the fact that he has insecurities and is also fully willing to make a demon of himself in order to protect his own - which is far more of a mafia attitude than an ADA one, even if, just like with Chuuya, I’m not sure I can imagine him in the other organisation.

The ADA will always be the ADA, and the PM will always be the PM, but together they can be better than they were before on their own. Currently they seem to be on a tentative truce of sorts, uncertain about doing things together and constantly in a state of tension. If they can get to a point where they trust each other more implicitly, that’s where the real strength is going to come from - something that Mori saw himself, when sending Chuuya out to help Dazai - and yet it won’t just be in the sense of power and how well they perform in their casework and missions, but strength of character, in who they are as people.

[pynkhues]

Why does Dean plead guilty? Is it bc of Phoebe? Is it because he wants to protect Beth? Is it because he wants to take the credit? Does it have to do with his male-ness? Have you already explored this topic? #questions

That’s such a good question, anon! It makes for a really interesting (and I actually think in-character) beat for Dean, and I think you’re right in the sense that it’s partially about protecting Beth and partially having to do with his male-ness, but I think there’s also something more fundamental at play.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how this show explores image, perception and projection, and how frequently those things are at the root of Beth and Dean’s arcs, both together and apart. These themes do of course feed into other character storylines (Annie at Ben’s school charity auction in 4.02 being one of the clearest examples of this – that was entirely about projecting an image to Ben’s peers and trying to change the way she would be perceived), but I don’t think it roots as deeply as it does in Beth and Dean, in no small part because Beth and Dean’s biggest audience is themselves.

So! Let’s break that down and talk about how that feeds into Dean pleading guilty.

Rose Coloured Boy (Rose Coloured Girl): nostalgia as the face of love

One of the things that’s always fascinating to me about Beth and Dean’s relationship is how often the show roots it in the past. One of the very first moments of Dean acting regretful over his cheating way back in 1.02 is through talking about the ‘fun stuff [he and Beth] did in the back seat in highschool’. That sense of the history of their romance is further emphasised in imagery of their past – Beth and Dean’s wedding photo is revisited frequently in season 1 while their anniversary is a key moment of the finale, Dean reminisces over screenshots of the kids as babies in season 2, and they even talk sweetly about anniversary dates, and their first apartment together after signing their divorce papers in 2.13.

This paints a picture of a tender history. One of young love and years of happiness and kindness, only it’s a history that the show has regularly, deliberately undermined.

All those beautiful pictures Dean’s looking at of his young family together and happy? Well, 2.05 confirmed that Beth was pregnant while he was having one of his affairs, so which of those photos are truly happy, and which were taken while Dean was betraying her? Similarly, they talk and joke about Valentine’s Day three years ago at the end of 3.08, but if he wasn’t having an affair with Amber then, he was likely having one with another woman.

The purpose of undermining history like this isn’t about the show forgetting or retconning these plot points – especially when the show ties these moments to other emotions, like Dean’s jealousy over Rio in 3.08 (and I’ll come back to that later), or Dean’s feelings of failure – but rather to establish the way that Beth and Dean both romanticise their past and paint it with a rose-coloured brush.

They tell themselves that they might not be happy today, but they were happy yesterday. And then they say that the next day and the next day and the next day, until every unhappy day, becomes a happy yesterday.

That romanticisation of their history is intrinsically tied to an image that they want to project to themselves. They have put so much time and energy into this thing between them, they have so many children, have so much of their lives entwined, that they need to believe that it’s all been worth it, because if it’s not, the image cracks and I don’t think either of them have the tools to handle that.

Which we kind of saw in 4.03.

It’s not an accident that the Beth and Dean flashbacks were in that episode – an episode that in a lot of ways fractured the image of Beth and Dean’s relationship, particularly for Dean. He’s been under the impression that they’re better, that they’re working again, that neither of them are cheating and Rio’s far away and Beth believes in him like she did before everything went wrong, and to discover that that image was false – was a projection of what Beth wanted him to believe, and perhaps simply what he himself wanted to believe too – is challenging to say the very least.

He was put in a position where he was faced not only with the extreme consequences of his wife’s actions, but a domino effect of lie after lie after lie, and the show choosing to take us back to the start of their relationship at that very moment, I think, shows us that the root of Beth and Dean’s relationship came back to Beth needing to be looked after, and Dean deciding, without knowing Beth very well, that he wanted to be the one to do it.

Macho Macho Man: Dean & Masculinity

Which brings us to Dean and masculinity. I’ve talked about the show’s exploration of masculinity quite a bit now (hell, it even has its own tag now, haha), and wrote a whole series of posts after 2.04 about male ego which I should probably update sometime to include s3 and s4,  but it really is one of the core themes of the show. It bubbles to the surface almost constantly and frequently becomes a driving factor of character motivations, particularly characters like Turner, who had his male ego challenged by Beth which resulted in a vendetta, to Boomer’s toxic masculinity driving him through much of the show.

For Dean though, his masculinity is frequently projected only to be destroyed, undermined or used against him in a way that ultimately completely emasculates him. The scene of Dean trying to reassert gender roles on himself and Beth only to have Rio bone his wife, destroy his prized car and insert himself into his business is perhaps the clearest example of that, but it manifests in plenty of other ways too. From hiring hitmen only to be robbed and have his wife’s panties stuck in his mouth, to buying the gun only to have it stolen, to think he’s establishing a new business for himself only to discover his wife’s pulling the strings with her ex-lover. Hell, even the fact of losing the business in the first place is inherently emasculating.

What I’m getting at is that every time Dean asserts himself in ways that are typically considered ‘Masculine’ – providing for his family, dominating his wife / treating her paternalistically, behaving with violent intents, establishing a business – it’s only to have that immediately undermined in the narrative. Dean likes this image for himself, and wants to project it, but the show keeps telling us that the image is a false one.

And then the show outright used that falsehood, and Dean’s insecurity over it, in 4.02 with Dave convincing Dean to give him the books, despite Beth telling him they weren’t ready.

Dean played right into his hand because Dave saw Dean’s masculinity for what it was – a projection covering an insecurity, which in turn, made Dean act thoughtlessly.

(Another pattern of behaviour for Dean! Like hiring the hitmen or cutting the money plate).

Dean’s commitment to the image of masculinity is in a lot of ways too tied to this idea of the rose-coloured image of his and Beth’s romantic history. Beth, from an image standpoint, is a case study in traditional femininity, and for much of their 20-year relationship, they’ve had their roles and they’ve stuck to them. The challenge of that throughout the course of the series is ultimately a challenge to the image that their relationship is based on, which in turn means that Dean’s feelings of failing masculinity end up being tied to his feelings and insecurities around Beth, frequently manifesting into jealousy over Rio.

To have that used against him by Dave (and funnily enough, Rio using those same feelings of Dean’s against Beth in 4.02) is a really interesting character note and I think very much fuels his motivation in the scene with Phoebe.

That Loving Feeling: a brief aside

I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention here that I actually do think Beth and Dean love each other. I think that it’s a broken love, like Christina said in her BUILD interview while promoting season 3, and I also think it’s a child’s love, which is something that we saw a bit through these flashbacks. Their relationship is so steeped in that history and that origin, that their love has failed to grow with them. It’s a sort of arrested development type of love, which I think makes them cling to the image all the harder, and it’s that old love and that image that’s stopped Dean from ever even contemplating turning Beth in.

Dean Pleads Guilty

Projection and perception are key in this show overall, but especially this season. We’ve seen that with the way Fitzpatrick has projected onto Beth, which I’ll talk about another time, but we also importantly saw Phoebe project onto Beth in this episode. She equates Beth to a girl she was friends with in highschool who used her, and tells Dean as such.

Phoebe’s projection of Beth – her image of her – isn’t one that Dean identifies with, and he tells her as much in return. While Dean is quiet in the scene overall outside of that interaction, the flashbacks deliberately seek to remind us of the nostalgia that has driven Beth and Dean’s relationship for the last twenty years and four seasons of the show. There’s a part of Dean that still sees Beth as the girl he chose to look after when they were just teenagers, and I think having his masculinity threatened the episode before by Dave intermingled with Dean’s nostalgia and his desire to ‘man up’ and take care of her in the way he tried to when her mum was in the hospital. All their murky, messy history and anger and hurt is painted over again, and Dean, at least in the moment, re-commits himself to the image of what he and Beth are.

He’s the man, she’s the woman, and it’s just another unhappy today for all those happy yesterdays.

[ryqoshay]

How to Handle a Nico: For Your Smile

Primary Pairing: NicoMaki Words: ~1.4k Rating: G Time Frame: Shortly after Maki has earned her doctorate and while Nico is working as an idol and an idol producer Story Arc: Stand Alone Set: “Thank You” For Your Smile (HtHaN) Sweeter Than a Choir (HL) All I Can Say (TA)

Author’s Note: Three seasonal scenes incoming! This is salvo one.

Nico’s attention was torn from the movie by the sound of the garage door opening and a car pulling in. She glanced at the clock. 11:23. Maki had said she might be a little late, but this was more than just dinner-cooling-a-bit-on-the-table late; Nico had long since wrapped and refrigerated Maki’s plate. And unfortunately, this was by no means the first time her girlfriend had been this late.

With a sigh, Nico paused the show and pushed herself up from the couch. However, her mood changed immediately when she heard the door slam open, boots stumble into the entryway and a coarsely growled curse as something dropped to the floor.

“Maki-chan?” Nico called, hastening her pace. “You alright?”

No answer.

Nico rounded the corner to find Maki, sitting on the floor, struggling with untying one of her boots that had managed to become double knotted. Her coat had already been tossed aside, as had her purse, the latter of which was likely what Nico had heard drop a moment ago.

“Here, let me get that.” Nico knelt, gently pushed Maki’s hands away and went to work on the knot. “There you go.” She said after a moment before pulling the boot off the other woman’s foot. Nico then did the same for the other boot before standing. Finally, she held out a hand to help her girlfriend up to her feet.

Geez, Maki-chan looks like she’s been through hell. Not only had Maki missed a button on her shirt when putting on her street clothes, but she hadn’t even bothered tucking it in to her skirt. She must have really been that tired or that anxious to get home. Or both. Probably both.

And if that wasn’t enough of an indication, she wasn’t latching herself onto Nico at the first opportune moment, as was customary; Maki loved her welcome home hugs. Instead, Maki was just standing there, staring as though her brain still needed another minute to catch up with the fact that she was finally home.

Nico stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Maki.

“Welcome home, Maki-chan.” She said quietly, smiling as she felt Maki reciprocate and start to relax. “And Merry Christmas.”

Maki tensed again.

“Maki-chan?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what, being late?”

“… Yes…”

“It’s fine.” Nico assured her girlfriend. “It’s not like you’re late every night.” Though certainly more than usual as of late, she added silently, not wanting to further upset Maki.

It was the winter season after all, and that typically meant a busier hospital. It was for this reason that Nico had been working from home more and delegating duties that needed in-person attention, so as to be available more to support the overworked surgeon.

“But it’s…”

Nico placed a finger on Maki’s lips to stop her protest.

“I know it’s Christmas. And I know it’s your favorite holiday. And I know we had plans to spend it together. But we have all day tomorrow, right? Nothing’s changed since you last told me you weren’t on call, right?”

Maki shook her head. “No, I’m off tomorrow. Papa insisted.”

“Good. Now let’s get you somewhere comfortable while I reheat your dinner.” Nico started to pull away but stopped as Maki’s hold on her tightened. She chuckled as the younger woman nuzzled against her cheek. “You know, I’m always happy to cuddle with my favoritest Maki-chan, but I think we’d both be more comfortable over on the couch rather than standing here.”

Maki responded with a sigh and a moment later, her arms loosened. Nico freed herself, but not before taking Maki’s hand so as to lead her to the living room. Once the redhead was seated, the raven-haired woman headed to the kitchen.

As Nico began the process of reheating the meal she had made, her thoughts turned to how many times she had done this exact thing. Though she hated seeing Maki wreck herself when things got busy at the hospital, she wasn’t about to tell her girlfriend to stop being dedicated to saving lives. The two of them both knew things like this would happen long before Maki had graduated, even before they were officially a couple.

Truth be told, Nico was guilty of overworking herself from time to time as well. Learning how to delegate duties so she and Tsubasa were not stuck handling every single little thing had been a challenge. Then getting back into a training regimen and returning to idol activities had added that much more stress to her life. But Maki had been beside her the entire time, supporting her in every way she could, even if that sometimes meant just being physically present for a comforting hug.

Thus, Nico had vowed to do everything in her power to support Maki in return. And tonight, that meant a warm meal and some quite time together. With that thought in mind, she pulled the plate out of the microwave, then grabbed two glasses and a bottle before heading to the living room.

“I’d offer to build a fire,” Nico said, making her way around the couch and setting the food on the coffee table “but you look like you’re about ready for bed.”

“Mmm.” Maki replied, eying the food with an expression that implied she was almost consciously avoiding drooling.

“Sorry I won’t be joining you, but I already ate, since I didn’t know how late you were going to be.” Nico took a seat beside the other woman.

“That’s alright.”

“But I hope you’ll still share a toast with me.” She pulled the cork from the wine bottle and started to pour. “We barely have a minute to spare.”

The couple clinked glasses and took their first sips mere seconds before the clock struck midnight.

“Thank you.” Maki said, setting her glass on the table.

“You’re welcome. Enjoy.”

“Not just for the food.”

Nico tilted her head curiously.

“For your smile.”

“My smile?”

“I was just thinking that even without a fire, Nico-chan’s smile is enough to keep me warm…” Pink dusted Maki’s cheeks as she delivered the line.

“But of course!” Nico couldn’t help preening. “Nico is the No. 1 Idol in the Universe. Her smile can warm the entire world. And can even melt the heart of someone like Maki-chan.”

“… Idiot…”

“You love it.”

“Yeah… I do…”

“You know, Maki-chan, it was your smile that first made me fall for you.”

“Hmm?”

“Back then, you were so often frowning or acting disinterested or getting angry or whatever that getting to see you smile, it was like a sort of treat.”

Maki furrowed her brow. “I wasn’t always angry or whatever… was I?”

“Well, no, but you didn’t smile all that often.”

“I smiled.” Maki insisted.

“I mean genuinely.” Nico clarified. “Not like when you smiled and rolled your eyes at Rin’s antics.”

“Or yours.”

“Sure, or mine. But I mean like when you played the piano. Or performed on stage with us as a member of µ’s. There’s a difference when you’re truly enjoying yourself. That was the kind of smile I fell in love with.”

“Ah…”

“And when I was the one to make you smile like that, it made my day. Heck it usually made my week. That’s why I did a lot of the things I did.”

“You mean tease me? I don’t think that made me smile much.”

“No, but Maki-chan is very cute when she blushes, and I found it quite easy to get you flustered. Still do, and you still are.”

Maki sighed.

“And you did smile when you figured out how to tease me back.”

“I suppose.”

“And that was its own kind of smile. Another kind of smile for me to love.”

“You really paid a lot of attention…”

“Of course I did! Nico was young maiden in love! Of course I was going to pay attention to every detail concerning the one I loved.”

“Every detail…”

“Yup.” Nico snuggled in a bit. “And don’t tell me you were any different.”

“… No… I did pay attention to Nico-chan.” Maki paused. “A lot, actually, now that I think about it. More than I think I realized at the time.”

Nico smiled at the admission.

“So, there’s only a little bit left in the movie I was watching,” Nico said after a moment “maybe like twenty minutes or so; just enough time for you eat. Do you want to finish it with me or watch something else?”

“What movie?”

“Miracle on 34th Street.”

“Sounds good.”

Nico unpaused the movie and the couple settled into a comfortable quite. However, if she knew Maki, Nico figured things wouldn’t remain silent tonight. But that was fine; they’d both sleep better afterwards anyway. And tomorrow, well, today now, was a big day for Maki. Nico looked forward to watching her child-like joy. But for now, Nico contented herself with the warmth radiating off her girlfriend, a warmth far more preferable than what any fire or blanked could provide.

Author’s Notes Continued in Followup Post

[hedwigstalons]

High Expectations - Ch23

Yes, this fic is still being written.  No, it is not abandoned despite the *gulps* month since that last chapter went out.  

@willow-salix has been her usual amazing self with the editing (and extra amazing for helping me through the stuff that has contributed to the huge gap in writing).

Earlier parts: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One , Twenty-Two

AO3 chapter link

Chapter Twenty-Three

Thwack

Thwack

Thwack

Virgil’s eyes tracked the arc of the baseball as it made another short journey up towards the ceiling before landing in Alan’s waiting hands.

Thwack

He gritted his teeth, trying to ignore the teen sprawled on his back on the couch.  He knew Alan was only doing it to annoy him having been told he couldn’t start another game with the arrival of John imminent but it was taking all his willpower not to snap, he didn’t have the energy for the argument Alan was obviously spoiling for.  As soon as the missing sibling turned up they would be settling down for dinner and Virgil had decided he would rather deal with a bored Alan than try and drag him away from whatever virtual world he was immersed in when the time came to eat.  Except the expected ten minutes had already ticked closer to an hour and John still hadn’t appeared.  

Thwack

It didn’t make the actions of his brother any less annoying in the meantime.  It certainly didn’t help that he had a test to study for.  Where had Alan even managed to get a baseball from in the first place?

Thwack

The door to the small apartment he shared with John clicked open and Virgil audibly sighed with relief as his immediate younger brother finally showed up.  He closed up his books, giving the page a baleful glance as he did so; he hadn’t taken in a word in the last half hour and knew time was running out.

“Fiiiiiinally.”  Alan caught the ball with one last thwack and sat up, popping the ball on the seat next to him.  “Virg said you would be back by six.”

“Sorry,” John looked sheepishly at the clock that was now ticking closer to 7pm, “I got held up on campus but I treated us to take out take out to make up for it.”

Alan’s eyes lit up at the prospect of food.  Delicious smells were wafting from the paper bag John carried and his stomach rumbled.  Take out was a rare treat, hell, even eating in company was a rare treat; their father was increasingly slipping back into bad habits and didn’t often make it back in time for dinner.  Since his shift to online school he could sometimes go three or four days without seeing another human being unless he ventured out of the apartment, it was one of the reasons he could be found so frequently on John and Virgil’s couch.

“What have we got, Chinese?” Alan asked.

“No, Thai.  There is a nice little place two blocks away that does an amazing spicy shrimp soup and their pad thai is pretty decent too.”

“You went to the Mango Tree?”  Virgil’s mood lifted at the prospect.

“Yes, I went to Mango Tree.  Don’t expect me to do this every time, I just thought you could do with a pick me up seeing as exams are on the horizon and I don’t think we’ve introduced Alan to it yet.  Plus, I’m late.”  he said, placing the bag on the table on his way past to the kitchen.  

The Thai place, a little gem they had discovered within their first month at Tracy College, had become a firm favourite but one reserved for special occasions, or apologies in the case of tonight.  Virgil was quick to clear away his files to make space on the table that was currently doubling up as a desk and by the time John returned with an assortment of spoons, forks and chopsticks, the containers were already laid out.

Alan wandered over to claim his place between his two siblings, feeling guilty at the reminder that Virgil was meant to be studying for exams.  He knew his actions had been irritating, he’d even been deliberately varying the gaps between his throws so Virgil couldn’t get used to the rhythm, but he was bored and it hurt that yet another person couldn’t be bothered to show up when they were meant to.

"So how are you getting on with freight transport law?" John asked between slurps of his soup.

"Slowly," Virgil growled, casting a frown towards Alan who at least had the good grace to look shamefaced.

The interaction didn’t pass unnoticed by John who directed his own frown at Alan.  While the other brothers had, in turn, taken on the holistic care of Alan, John was more focussed on his education, especially knowing Alan’s determination to head into space one day.  Finding out that Alan had transferred to online school had been a surprise but to find out it had followed a bout of truancy had left him furious.  He wasn’t prepared to let Alan screw up his education and he certainly wasn’t going to let him drag Virgil down either, he knew this exam had been weighing heavily on his brother’s mind and the last thing he needed was unnecessary distractions.

“Didn’t you have any work to be getting on with?” John asked the recalcitrant teen.  

Alan tried to stare John down but found that his most introverted sibling had learnt to hold his own under scrutiny, at least where family were concerned.  He dropped his gaze on the pretext of picking a piece of chicken out of his pad thai and tried to sound nonchalant.  “I’m ahead of myself so I took the day off.”

“That’s no reason  to disturb others, Virgil and I both have some key exams coming up and you need to respect that if you want to keep coming here.  And anyway, there’s no such thing as being ahead of yourself on your study programme, I know you picked one that lets you submit work at any time and complete your diploma at whatever pace you want.” 

“Was hoping you’d be here,”  the voice was small and dejected, all the fight gone before it could properly build.  He didn’t really want to argue with his brothers but sometimes it felt like the only way to be noticed was by challenging authority.  He was never going to win a gold medal, unlikely to win a scholarship and certainly wasn’t going to get military honours.  With those more admirable routes to gaining attention taken away from him that just left being a problem; he had to remember that his brothers were not like his father and he could actually talk to them without needing to be summoned first.

John watched Alan visibly wilt under his gaze, crushed by the force of his disapproval and it took a moment for the words to sink in.  The others had occasionally joked about Alan being his shadow or asked what it was like to be up on a pedestal but he usually shrugged it off.  Now, hearing that simple hope voiced with such longing John was reminded that it wasn’t entirely a joke, that of all of them Alan strived for his attention and approval the most and with that came great responsibility.  

“I know and I’m really sorry.  The guy leading the seminar today was an expert in broad spectrum communication arrays and I wanted to run some ideas by  him.  I’ve been working on some theories on multi-frequency monitoring and didn’t know when I would get another chance to talk to him.”  He paused, realising he was babbling in his attempt to make Alan see that this had been important, that he hadn’t wanted to be late and really did care.  But Alan didn’t need his excuses, what he needed was his brothers.  He took a sip of water and refocused his attentions.  “Look, I don’t have any classes until 12 tomorrow so we can do something together in the morning.  In the afternoon you can either stay here and do your own work or come with me and sit in on my lectures.”

“It’s not freight law is it?  Cos that stuff sounds dull as anything.”  He knew John was trying to make up for being late home and ordinarily he would have jumped at the chance to gatecrash some lectures but he was still hurting and not ready to forgive him so quickly.  “I really don’t get why Virgil is even getting his space licence anyway, let alone for transport pilot.”  

Both John and Virgil decided to ignore that comment.  Alan had grown up a lot lately but they both  knew  he had always viewed space as the personal domain of himself and John and was still prone to the occasional flare of jealousy that Virgil was getting space rated too, seemingly on a whim.  The news of Virgil’s first trip into orbit had been greeted with a flare of temper that saw Alan rejecting all calls for a week. 

“I don’t have to take that one, although I do have a few units of my own I could do without.  No, tomorrow is nutrition and physiology.”  He noted the eye roll that suggested Alan wasn’t enthused with those topics either.  “There’s no need to decide now, just see how you feel tomorrow, but you can’t spend all afternoon on video games , if you stay home you’ll need to get some school work done or Dad might stop you from staying over.”

Alan knew that was an empty threat.  As long as he kept turning in grade cards at regular intervals and was on track to finish his diploma no later than if he had been in school then he was fairly confident their father wouldn’t even think of banning the trips to Kansas.  If anything he seemed to be keen to have Alan out of town as much as possible as his overseas business trips became more frequent.

The prospect of getting to spend at least the following morning with John lifted Alan’s mood considerably and the rest of the meal passed without incident.

xoxoxox

John quietly pushed open Virgil’s door.  The light spilled out, momentarily lighting up the tousle haired figure on the couch before it was blocked by John as he quickly slipped inside, leaving the door ajar behind him.  He took in the piles of notes on the desk and the bucket sized mug beside them, now empty of the coffee he knew it would have contained.

“Anything I can help with?” he asked, perching on the edge of the bed that really ought to be occupied already.

Virgil spun his chair around.  “No, thanks, it’s not difficult, just tedious.”

This was something John could empathise with.  While they each had a different specialism and focus to their course, both had encountered topics that less than thrilled them; for Virgil freight transport law was a topic he was unable to feel enthusiastic about but it was a necessary component to his studies.

“Working  through the night isn’t going to help.”

“I need to make up the time, I didn’t get much studying done earlier.”

“Alan?” John rolled his eyes in a way that suggested this was a statement rather than a question.  The attitude over dinner had shown that Alan had been in a bad mood and he knew that Virgil was too soft to just put the teen in his place.

Virgil nodded then yawned, space law wasn’t a thrilling topic at the best of times and his focus was distinctly wavering.  The effects of the coffee were wearing off and, much as he would like another, the coffee maker was loud and he didn’t want to risk waking the teenager currently sleeping in their living area. 

“Why didn’t you just work in here?”  To John it made absolutely no sense that his brother had set up at the dining table when he had a perfectly good desk in his own room where he could have gotten on with his work in peace as he was doing now.

“Couldn't  you feel how much he  wants our attention?  He may have been a pain in the ass but I couldn’t disappear and ignore him when he’s only just got here.  I’ve got time.  The exam isn’t ‘til Thursday, I can study once he’s asleep.”

“Not tonight you aren't ,” John frowned as yet another yawn escaped his sibling, “and you haven’t been ignoring him, Alan said you took him flying this morning.  Have you gotten any studying done today?”

“Not enough,” Virgil groaned, casting another glance at the scribbles on permitted loads and which cargoes needed to be registered with the Space Authority prior to launch.  While his study time may have taken a hit he didn’t regret taking his youngest brother flying, the pure joy Alan exhibited while in the air was a world away from the loneliness he had confessed to on the ride back from the airfield.  “But at least Alan still wants to talk to me.”

“Still nothing from Scott?” John sighed.  He could see how much the growing distance between his two oldest brothers was preying on Virgil’s mind; freight transport law really didn’t stand a chance.     

“Nothing worth mentioning.”  He raked a hand through his hair in an action that had John raising an eyebrow.  Virgil squirmed slightly under the gaze that suddenly seemed far too knowing and he was reminded that, while John might be guarded about his own emotions, that didn’t mean he wasn’t observant to the moods of others.  He really didn’t want to be unloading all his concerns onto John, it was part of the unwritten code of older brothers to not burden the younger ones, but with his usual outlet and sounding board going awol being one of his issues he found himself leaning on his next in line.   

“I’m worried about him,” Virgil confided, “we used to talk all the time but now I’m lucky if I can keep him on the line for three minutes at a time and my messages go unanswered for days.” 

“Perhaps he’s just talking to Gordon more, ever since the whole WASP thing those two have been a lot closer.”  

“Maybe, but since Gordon started on the bathyscape he’s been pretty busy.  That’s one of the things Alan was telling me ; Gordon used to check in with him every couple of days but since taking command and starting his course he’s really cut back on contact.  I’m worried that Scott isn’t talking to any of us. There is something going on and  I don’t like it; you know how he can be when something’s bothering him.”

John had never had the kind of  bond with Scott that Virgil had but he knew well enough that Virgil’s instincts for these things were generally to be trusted.  It was almost uncanny how Virgil was able to sense upset and tension in his brothers and more than once during his time at Harvard John had found himself on the receiving end of a well timed holo-call or care package.

“Do you think it’s Dad?”  While John might not have been explicitly confided in before he certainly wasn’t stupid, he’d picked up on the tone of his brothers’ calls before the topic of the future had become verboten.  Even if he hadn’t there was no ignoring that fact that Scott hadn’t been attending the scheduled group calls with their father and the ire this raised despite Jeff’s thinly veiled attempts to brush Scott’s absences off as down to unavoidable Air Force commitments.  It didn’t take a genius to work out that relations between Scott and their father had become strained. 

“Could be.  You know well enough that Dad still won’t even consider a plan that doesn’t have Scott as field commander, he talks like it’s a done deal and I know Scott hates that, he feels like he’s had all free will stripped away.  If Dad has been getting at him again that would certainly be getting him down.”  Virgil picked up his mug and tipped it back, grimacing when it only yielded a few cold and bitter drips, before setting it back down heavily.  God he needed more caffeine but he wasn’t quite ready to resort to the emergency energy drink stashed in his desk and he had a suspicious feeling John wouldn’t let him have it anyway.  He turned back to the problem in hand; now he’d started confiding in John he may as well keep going.  “Thing is, that doesn’t explain why Scott has started avoiding me.  I’ve been careful not to mention the whole business to him, I’ve had my head chewed off too many times and since Scott made it perfectly clear he isn’t joining we just agreed to not talk about it.  No, I think there is something else going on, something more than just Dad, but he keeps shutting me out.”

“Try not to worry about Scott for now, or at least not until after Thursday.  At the moment all you need to focus on is that exam.”

Virgil cast a rueful glance at the hated notes.  He knew John was right, once the freight law was out of the way he could throw his energies at distant siblings a lot more freely, or at least he could until the next exam came along.  The problem was, without Scott on the team, he wasn’t wholly convinced that the exam was going to mean anything.  .

“Do you think we can do it?  I mean really make it work.  Cos with only the three of us I just can’t see how it'll be  possible.  Even with Scott it would be a stretch but without him…”  he tailed off, unwilling to say out loud what he was really feeling, that the whole thing was a fool's errand. No amount of good intentions and determination would be enough to run the outfit successfully with just him, John and their father.

John could understand his doubts.  He had plenty of them himself, none of which had been dispelled by the many calculations he had run, trying to find some tiny shred of evidence that said  the dream could indeed be made reality.  Looking at it logically he knew their father’s vision was an impossible fantasy but it was a fantasy he wanted to believe in.  He wanted to live among the stars and the venture was nothing if not noble.

The notes on freight law lay abandoned on the desk as the brothers continued to talk through their fears, hopes and dreams, unaware that the figure in the next room wasn’t quite as asleep as they thought.

Xoxoxox

“So, what’s International Rescue?”

There was a splutter as John half choked on a spoonful of granola.  Virgil set the coffee pot down on the counter and carefully schooled his features to a neutral expression before turning to face his brother.

“What was that, Al?”  

“You heard me,” the nonchalance of the original question now  gone, Alan’s voice was aggressive and challenging.  “International Rescue.”  

Virgil darted a look at John but found no help there, the latter was still wiping tears from his eyes having finally dislodged the clump of oats.  Any hope of passing it  off as nothing had been dashed by John’s unfortunate and very obvious reaction to the question.   He sighed, reclaimed the coffee pot, and brought the whole jug over to the table.  There was no way he was facing this conversation without caffeine and he had a feeling he was going to need more than one cup.

“You want me to get you some water?”  

John gave another cough and shook his head.  “No, I’m good, thanks.”

“Are either of you going to answer me or are you just going to ignore me like Dad does?”  Alan was  bristling with indignation which was coming across with a brattish pout.  

“I’m not ignoring you, I just...you threw me, that all.  How did you find out?”  

“I heard you two talking last night.”

Virgil poured himself a mug of coffee and quickly drained half of it, despite it still being scalding hot.  The thought that this was a problem of his own making settled like a lead weight in the pit of his stomach.  He tried to remember just what he and John had talked about, he knew there had been a lot both about International Rescue and the family in general, and he wondered how much Alan had overheard.  “We thought you were asleep.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t.”

“Look, it’s not that we don’t want to tell you it’s just Dad forbade us from talking about it.”  Indecision and worry played out across Virgil’s features at the prospect of defying a direct order.

“Gordon made you promise you would tell him.”  John cut in, a little unhelpfully in Virgil’s opinion.  “If he heard us talking last night he may as well hear the full story, now is as good a time as any.”

Alan had heard Scott’s name crop up last night but Gordon hadn’t been mentioned in relation to whatever this mysterious plan was. Discussions on Gordon had been limited to WASP and the course he was doing with CalTech from what he had heard.  The knowledge that the entire family was hiding something from him, including the brother he thought he could trust the most, came as a bitter blow, resentment that had been building for some time came crashing out.

“Gordon knows too?" he clarified, not wanting to believe it. "I hate this family sometimes, I hate that I’m just some afterthought.  I thought Gordon was different, I thought he cared.  Guess I was wrong.”  Alan could see the hurt he was causing as the words hit Virgil like a whip, but he was too angry to care., if anything it felt good to see his brother feeling  the same pain that he was.

“That’s not true, Alan, ”  Virgil assured him, trying to soothe some of the hurt that was bubbling out of his youngest brother.  “Gordon does care, we all do.”

“Yeah, well you’ve got a funny way of showing it.  I’m always the last to know everything, it’s like I’m some massive inconvenience.  I might as well  just pack my stuff and get out of your hair.”

Alan pushed his chair back from the table with a scrape and started grabbing the belongings he had discarded around the room over the course of his short visit, shoving them into the open duffel bag at the end of the couch.  He could deal with the others knowing stuff but Gordon was different.  It had hurt so much that Gordon hadn’t confided in him about WASP and now it seemed that he had been betrayed again. Gordon had made that transition into adulthood, someone worth telling stuff to, and he was still some kid to be kept in the dark.  Alone. 

“Alan, please, it’s really not like that.”  Virgil was after him like a shot, grabbing his brother’s arm in an attempt to halt the furious packing.  The blue eyes that spun to face him contained a mix of tears and venom.  

Alan tried to pull away, embarrassed at the emotion he couldn’t control, but hearing that Gordon had been keeping secrets again had stabbed him in the heart.  The hand on his arm became a full on bear hug and Alan found himself wrapped in solid muscle with no hope of escape.  He struggled for a moment then stilled, giving up on his attempt to get free.  

Virgil never loosened his hold, warm and comforting, and Alan soon found himself returning the hug; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually been held like this and hadn’t realised how much he missed the human contact.  He became vaguely aware of an extra hand on his shoulder and unburied his head enough to see that John had joined them.

“Believe me, Alan, we’ve wanted to tell you.  Gordon especially made it quite clear you shouldn’t be frozen out of all this but Dad was adamant that you weren’t to be told.  No matter what Dad says we were going to tell you once Virgil qualified but I think we need to bring that forward.”  There was total honesty in John’s eyes as he held his brother’s gaze.  

Alan was slightly mollified that there had at least been a plan among his  brothers to bring him into the loop and he could feel the sincerity in his brother's words.  He was increasingly quick to anger at the injustices of being the youngest, more so now that he didn’t have Gordon around to share in the same treatment, but he knew deep down that his main antagonist was their father with his draconian rules.  If their father had expressly forbidden something, rather than just choosing not to mention it, then he knew he was putting Virgil and John in an incredibly difficult position; witnessing Gordon’s defiance and their father’s reaction to it had shown that he wasn’t beyond making life intensely difficult for those who dared to disobey.

Feeling that the tension had at least partially ebbed out of his youngest brother’s body Virgil loosened his grip and sat down on the couch, inviting Alan to take the seat next to him.  Ever thoughtful, John reclaimed the coffee pot and mugs from  the table and set them up on the coffee table before grabbing a spare seat.

“I think it’s time we brought you up to speed. There are some big changes ahead although even we don’t know when anything is going to happen.  And John’s right, Gordon isn’t to blame for this at all.  We were shocked when he said you guys never got warned before the move to LA and we promised you’d never get another upheaval like that.”

“I’ve gotta move again?”  As much as Alan had no great fondness for LA he also wasn’t keen on the idea of uprooting yet again, setting up goodness knows where, which sounded very much like where this conversation was headed.  At least this time he wouldn’t have to worry about integrating into a new school.

“WE are going to move.  I’m not sure when, but yeah, Dad’s setting up somewhere new.  Once I get my space rating I’ll be moving back to LA then, a year later, when he’s finished his course, John’s going to be joining us, wherever we happen to be at the time.”

Alan looked across at John and received a slight nod of confirmation.  “Yeah, I’ll be coming home too, at least until my space station is ready.”

Alan’s eyes widened.

“John, are you sure…?”

John just rolled his eyes at Virgil.  “Believe me, it’s better to tell him everything than have him guessing, or worse hunting for the information himself.”

Virgil still looked unconvinced but decided to follow John’s lead.  When the news had come out about Alan hacking the school administration systems he had been shocked at the youngest Tracy’s disregard for rules but John had merely shrugged and commented that he would probably have done the same.  John had been more disappointed that Alan had been skipping school, the rest of the duplicitous behaviour hadn’t phased him and Virgil had received a surprising and uncomfortable insight into a shared characteristic of the two brothers currently sat with him.  If John thought unanswered questions would lead to Alan seeking out the details for himself then he would much rather tell all.  If their father found out this conversation was happening they would all be in serious trouble but if Alan was caught attempting to go through their father’s files, well, Virgil didn’t want to imagine the consequences of that.

“I guess you’re right, I mean the whole idea can only work if we trust each other and that means total honesty.”  

The coffee went cold as Virgil, aided by John, told Alan all he could about their father’s vision for a rescue organisation with global capabilities, the aircraft currently being designed and the supporting vehicles and equipment that would be used on site to help those in need, and of course the need to relocate to a suitable base. 

The conversation became decidedly trickier when it came to detailing the role each brother was expected to take in the organisation.  Much as Virgil would have preferred to leave out the growing rift that was opening up between Scott and their father, there was no escaping the fact that the plans were not progressing smoothly.  

He reached the end and waited, unsure how Alan would react.

“So this is why you’re doing this course , so you can help get John get to his monitoring station or whatever it is?”

“Yeah, and to help take stuff up there before things go operational.”  Trust Alan to latch on to the space flight parts of the whole set-up, Virgil just hoped Alan would be less jealous of him getting space rated now he knew why it was happening.  Until now he had never been able to give a decent answer for his sudden change in direction away from engineering.  Despite Alan trying to hide it if it meant he could escape LA and come visit, he knew his brother resented what he saw as an  intrusion on the domain he viewed as his and John’s alone.  “Beyond supply runs I doubt I’ll be heading into space much.  Life on the comms satellite doesn’t appeal to me so I’m hoping I won’t have to do too many rotations.”

“But Scott doesn’t want in?”

“Uh huh.  John and I have been trying to figure out how it could work without him because Dad is just ploughing on regardless.  He’s convinced Scott’s going to just resign his commission and fall into line the moment he gives the order.”

“I think I’ll make myself scarce when that showdown happens.”  Alan hadn’t often witnessed Scott and their father butt heads, those sorts of disagreements tended to happen firmly behind closed doors, but he could easily imagine the two clashing, each as stubborn and determined as the other.

“Probably wise,” replied John.  “And you can't let Dad know we’ve been speaking about this or we’ll all be on the receiving end of those fireworks.”

“Don’t worry about that, that would involve Dad actually talking to me and he barely even registers that I exist.”

That earned a frown from Virgil who was suddenly even more glad that he only had a couple more months left at Tracy College.  With Gordon forging a new life in WASP he’d made a solemn promise to look out for Alan but what with the demands of his course and his worries over Scott, he realised he  hadn’t been paying as much attention as he should.  He certainly hadn’t realised their father had gotten quite so distant and aloof with the teen again.  Still, in two months time he would be back in LA where  he could give his brother some proper attention.  In the meantime his freight law notes were beckoning; if he failed the exam and didn’t achieve his space rating then International Rescue would be even more of an impossible pipedream.

[alwaysraineh]

yooooo rachel that ask game is practically MADE FOR ME, this is just going to be a mix but 1, 3, 10 for jaskier, lup, and taako as characters! not in that order, mix and match to your heaaart's content, i will humbly devOUR any insipiration you can spaaaaare 🥺🥺💛💛

ooomg JOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! this took a few days so i apologize for that but each prompt could have worked for each character and i had to figure out what i wanted to do but it was so. fun. i had a blast with this!!!! tysm for giving me so much to play around with!!! i hope you like them!!!!

also i’m gonna put them under the cut bc they got kinda long all together lol

send me a number and a pairing and i’ll make them kiss!

1. small kisses littered across the other’s face

“Stop! Stop, stop, stop!” Taako shrieks, giggling wildly in a way that tells Kravitz he isn’t too serious about his demands. He grins, dark eyes twinkling with mischief, and pulls back just far enough to admire the flush on Taako’s cheeks and the breathless part of his lips.

“You’ve made your point,” Taako continues, all teeth and laughter.

“I most certainly have not!” Kravitz protests, swooping back down to press several quick kisses to Taako’s temple and eyebrows. “I told you I would kiss every part of you that I find beautiful, and you-”

“I said you’re a dramatic sap!”

“Perhaps. But I intend to finish what I’ve started!”

Taako dissolves into another fit of giggles as Kravitz kisses his nose, his ear, his eyelashes. He pushes half-heartedly at his boyfriend’s chest, no real effort in his shoves, and tries to roll to the side when Kravitz blows a raspberry against his cheek. Both men go tumbling off the couch at that, ending in a pile of limbs and breathy chuckling on the floor before Kravitz concedes and smooths a lock of hair behind Taako’s ear, giving an infatuated smile when the elf presses a soft kiss to the inside of his wrist in response.

3. a breathy demand: “kiss me” - and what the other person does to respond

For a moment, all Jaskier can hear is his own pulse roaring in his ears. Next comes the heavy pant of Geralt’s breath somewhere above him and the faint hiss of sizzling acid from the other side of the thick tree trunk he’s been pressed against. Then, somewhat belatedly, the realization that his hands are on Geralt’s chest- quite specifically, his fingers are wrapped white-knuckled around the straps of the witcher’s armor.

Jaskier relinquishes his hold, startled, and in the same heartbeat Geralt curses and steps away, shaking his arm with a sour expression. The movement reveals a small hole in his sleeve and a nasty-looking welt on his skin that definitely wasn’t there before he’d seized Jaskier around the middle and whipped him into the relative safety of the tree.

So perhaps following Geralt when the witcher had specifically directed him to stay behind hadn’t been Jaskier’s brightest idea. But in his defense, Geralt rarely provided any details of his hunts, so how was Jaskier meant to know that a dying bloedzuiger would explode into a horrible spray of disgusting stomach acids upon receiving a killing blow? All the same, as he starts to regain his senses after the shock of being slammed against a tree, he does feel a bit guilty about Geralt’s arm- he likely wouldn’t have been wounded at all if Jaskier hadn’t stupidly wandered into the splash zone and needed protecting from the flesh-melting bloedzuiger juice.

Seemingly deciding his arm is fine, Geralt looks back at Jaskier and frowns. He steps closer, sword still in hand and hair brown with mud, dripping dirty swamp water as he looks the bard over for injuries.

“Did it spray you?” he asks, voice gruff.

Jaskier tries to answer and finds he can’t quite get the words out; his pulse now thrums at the base of his throat, nearly choking him. Geralt steps closer yet again, pushing forward into Jaskier’s personal space with a tight expression.

“Jaskier?”

“Y-your eyes,” Jaskier manages to gasp, barely resisting the urge to let his head fall back against the trunk.

Geralt immediately retreats, turning his face away and raising a hand to hide the deep black of his sclerae. Whatever potion it is that he’d taken before the hunt clearly hasn’t worn off yet. Jaskier scrambles to follow as the witcher moves; Geralt has never allowed Jaskier to see him like this before, and Jaskier isn’t going to miss his chance. He’s never said as much, but Jaskier knows that the effects of these potions are what make Geralt feel the most monstrous.

“No, no, no,” he murmurs, catching Geralt by the shoulder and hurrying to plant himself in the witcher’s path. “Geralt, I’m not frightened by you. You’re not a monster, you- gods, Geralt, you’re breathtaking!”

Geralt allows Jaskier to pull his hand down, but keeps his face turned to the side. Jaskier pushes as close as he dares, breath still caught in his lungs and heart hammering in his chest.

“Kiss me.”

Geralt finally looks to Jaskier again, black eyes startled. “Are you- Jaskier, you can’t be serious.”

“Deadly serious, I’m afraid. Kiss me!”

“This is hardly the time or place, bard. We’re in a swamp. That bloedzuiger is barely dead.”

Jaskier rolls his eyes and steps daringly closer, trying to square his shoulders and put forth a challenge for Geralt. “You’re ruining the mood.”

“The mood?!”

“Well, I’ll admit it isn’t exactly the nice, clean inn I’d usually prefer, but-”

“Are you really that desperate?” Geralt interrupts, sweeping his free arm in a wide arc to indicate the carnage and pools of bloedzuiger acid around them.

Heady with the adrenaline of survival and spurred on by the odd attraction he has to Geralt with a layer of sweat and grime upon his skin, Jaskier gives a wicked grin.

“For you, Geralt, I’d have to admit I’m always this desperate.”

Slowly, a similar grin spreads over Geralt’s lips. He shakes his head and steps ever closer, taking Jaskier firmly by the back of the neck and feeling the bard practically melt in his grip.

“You are ridiculous,” he murmurs against Jaskier’s ear before grazing his teeth along the soft skin at the join of his jawline and throat.

When Jaskier whines in response, Geralt indulges him with a chaste kiss that quickly devolves into a rough clash of teeth and tongues that leaves them both breathless. Their panted breath mingles in the space between them, hot on Jaskier’s lips before he stretches up to press gently against the corner of Geralt’s mouth with a lazy smile.

“Next time I tell you to kiss me, Geralt, don’t act so much like you don’t want to.”

Geralt growls low in his throat and shoves Jaskier back up against the tree with one hand heavy on his chest. “Next time I tell you to stay in camp, Jaskier,” he says, voice rough, “don’t follow me until the beast is slain. I can’t kiss you if you’re dead.”

10. a hello/goodbye kiss that is given without thinking - where neither person thinks twice about it

It’s just a weekend with Taako, Barry reminds himself. It isn’t like Lup is about to disappear for another decade, and Taako would never let any harm come to her. There’s no reason to fear her leaving for ‘Twin Time’ - actually, scratch that. There are many things to fear when Taako and Lup are left to their own devices. (What comes to mind first involves several explosions and maniacal laughter.)

What Barry doesn’t have to worry about is that his wife won’t return. Three days, she had said. Three days and she would be home and he wouldn’t have to miss her anymore. Maybe he could invite Kravitz over, she had suggested. Taako had emphatically agreed with that statement, mentioning that it wouldn’t do either of them any good to sit alone in their homes waiting for the twins to return. They could have gone on a mission for the Raven Queen, Kravitz had protested. (They did not.)(If they cuddled on the couch and gushed about the twins or not was another matter entirely.)

All the same, when he hears the telltale sound of a portal opening in the other room and the twins’ laughter, Barry’s mood skyrockets. He pads down the hall in his socks and pokes his head around a doorframe, ready to welcome Lup home, only to find himself wrapped in her arms and lifted into an excited spin. Lup presses their lips together, warm and gentle and familiar and home, as she sets his feet back on the floor, then nuzzles her face into the crook of his shoulder.

“I missed you,” she says, voice muffled against his neck, and Barry finds himself suddenly misty-eyed. He kisses the top of her head and rests his cheek against her hair, closing his eyes as he steadies his breath and relishes the calming weight of her body in his arms.

“I missed you, too, babe.”

[xiaomoxu]

MLQC CN Lucien (Xu Mo) Long Day Date Part 1 & 2

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

It's Xu Mo Birthday which has released on CN server. I'm doing translation for personal reason, so I'm sorry if there's some mistranslation. Kindly tell me if you found some :) feel free for read it~ ^^

PART 1

At 4:30 in the morning, I dragged my heavy suitcase out of the customs gate of Heathrow Airport, and couldn't help but yawn.

There was a problem with the ticket before leaving, and I had to change the red-eye flight, but the plane was late.

Although I rest on the plane for a while, my upper and lower eyelids were still fighting constantly at this time.

MC: No... I have to buy a cup of coffee.

The coffee shop at the airport was very empty, and a blonde crew member was drinking coffee in the corner. I walked to the counter sleepily.

Male passersby: Miss, I'm sorry to bother you. Can I buy you a cup of coffee? You look tired.

MC: ...No, no need. I need to spend all the pounds I exchanged...

There was a moment of stagnation on the man's face, and then a familiar chuckle not far away.

MC: .....?!

I followed the laughter and captured the gentle and narrow eyes that I was looking forward to all the way.

Suddenly, I thought I was really dreaming, but the person who approached me step by step seemed extremely real.

MC: Xu.. Xu Mo?!

Xu Mo whispered something in the ear of the man who was talking to me. The expression on the man's face gradually became embarrassed, he turned his face to apologize hastily, and left in a hurry.

Xu Mo: Miss, can you buy me a cup of coffee with your pounds?

MC: You, why are you here...

Xu Mo: Come for coffee.

Xu Mo casually ordered the order to the clerk and said that it would be charged to my account.

I heard the clerk’s laughter, and my cheeks were hot.

MC: Don’t you have an academic conference? How come you run to the airport for coffee in the early morning?

As soon as I finished speaking, I suddenly realized that I accidentally missed my mouth.

Xu Mo seemed to be paying no attention, answering my question.

Xu Mo: This coffee is very good. Suddenly I wanted to drink, so I came over.

MC: ..what?

I took a sip of the coffee that the clerk handed me. It didn't seem to taste anything special.

Xu Mo: How? Is it a little special?

MC: When you say this, well, it seems that you have some taste.

The smile in the corner of Xu Mo's eyes was deeper, and there was a flash of arc in his eyes, which made me react suddenly.

MC: You lied to me again!

I don't know if it was because of his smile or the fresh caffeine that I took in, I instantly became sober. Looking closely at the face of the person in front of me, my heart moved.

MC: Did you guess that I will come, that's why

Xu Mo: Strictly speaking, it is not a guess, but a reasonable guess. As for the basis of the guess, there are at least three things.

MC: Three things?

Xu Mo: First, two weeks ago you asked my new teaching assistant about my schedule for this meeting in the UK.

MC: ....That Assistant actually betrayed me!

Xu Mo: Second, there was a problem with the ticket you booked earlier, and a notification email was sent to my mailbox.

MC: how is this possible?!

Xu Mo: According to the airline’s process design, I’m afraid you listed me as an emergency contact.

Xu Mo looked at me, his lips smiled even more, the color of his eyes was also a bit deeper, and I quickly argued.

MC: Because I don’t know anyone else in the UK...

Xu Mo: But when I received the email, I was very happy.

I suppressed my accelerated heartbeat, coughed, diverged and talked.

MC: So, what is the third basis?

Xu Mo: The 3rd basis.... Do you want to spend this day with me at the airport?

MC: Of course not! No, does this have anything to do with the third basis?

Xu Mo said, holding my hand on the suitcase, and his gentle eyes fell on me.

Xu Mo: Let's change the place, I can slowly tell you the third basis.

Xu Mo: Besides, you also have something to say to me, don't you?

PART 2

MC: Don't you have a meeting today?

The morning mist faintly enveloped the whole city, and I followed Xu Mo to an apartment that looked a bit historical, and couldn't help but ask in the elevator.

Xu Mo: The original arrangement was to visit the local scientific research room, but I took time off.

MC: Asking for leave? Are you sick?

I stretched out my hand nervously and touched his forehead. Xu Mo smiled lightly as he watched me, his eyes lowered a little.

The temperature under the palm was normal and the elevator bell rang. Xu Mo pulled my suitcase, held my palm with one hand, and squeezed it lightly.

Xu Mo: I asked for personal leave.

MC: Huh? What's the matter?

I was led by him and walked out, watching him turn around and smile at me.

Xu Mo: Very important things, I have to deal with them personally.

I looked at the hand clenched by him, my cheeks hot.

Xu Mo: We're here.

There is a fuzzy chalk mark on the house door in front of the room.

MC: What a coincidence! The number of this room is the same as the initials of your last name.

Xu Mo: ...It's a coincidence.

Xu Mo said that as he opened the door with the key, and what I saw were the large French windows and the tulle curtains raised by the wind.

The European-style furnishings in the house are simple and delicate, I can't help but admire

MC: Wow, this room is great! It feels like returning to my own home!

I turned around and found that Xu Mo was still at the door, seeming a little dazed, with a dull and unclear gaze falling on me.

Xu Mo: Why do you say... it's like returning to your own home?

MC: Huh? I, I can't explain it. Maybe the layout here is very special?

MC: A normal hotel will give people a feeling of alienation and leaving at any time...

MC: But this room looks very safe! It makes people feel like they can stay for a long time.

Xu Mo's eyes changed slightly, and his gentle smile quickly returned.

Xu Mo: Is that right?

I didn't think too much and urged Xu Mo to come in. While he was in the hallway to change his coat, I secretly dragged the suitcase to the kitchen.

MC: Can't be discovered so quickly...

I was about to open the suitcase secretly, but Xu Mo's voice came from behind.

Xu Mo: Don’t you take a break first? We still have a whole day. Don't be so hurry.

I turned around vigilantly, looked at the expression on his face, and wanted to see how much he had seen my plan, but failed to read it again.

If you want to keep confidential in front of this person, the requirements for IQ and psychological quality are really too high.

MC: You, you do something else first. Don't look at me all the time!

Xu Mo: What do you want me to do?

MC: Just take a shower, read a book, make a coffee, water the flowers.

MC: Anyway, what do you usually do alone at home, just leave me alone!

Xu Mo: Are you sure I can do the same as when I was at home alone?

MC: Yes! I have no problem!

Xu Moding watched me for a while, and as my eyes turned, a bad premonition flashed in my mind, but I didn't have time to think deeply.

Xu Mo: Okay. Then you... have fun yourself first.

Xu Mo's eyes slid across my suitcase and fell on my guilty face again, as if he chuckled slightly when he turned around.

I panicked. He must have guessed it, no, he has guessed it.

Even so, I waited for him to walk away before opening the box. I was relieved to see the tightly wrapped tools still lying peacefully in the box.

MC: Fortunately, hurry up and start work!

After half an hour, I hummed a song and looked to the kitchen with all kinds of sparkling baking tools ready, and opened the flour bag happily

When I celebrated Xu Mo’s birthday last year, I accidentally broke the pre-prepared cake. I have been sorrowing for a year.

I learned that Xu Mo will be attending an academic conference in the UK for his birthday this year.

I have a brainstorm and plan to refer to the farm to table model of European farms.

Bring all the tools and materials to Xu Mo's side, and make the cake on the spot. There will always be no problems, right?

MC: Um, where did you put the sugar packet just now? I can't fail to bring it...

I quickly searched and opened the cupboard, and found that some materials were originally stored here.

MC: Wow, it turned out to be rice! And tea!

There are not many ingredients, and the seasonings are one of the few. Foods made with these ingredients should be so weak that there is no taste.

MC: Wait a minute, this scent is...

The strong coffee aroma spreads under my nose, I can't help but shrug my nose and follow the aroma out of the kitchen, the next second I was stunned.

Xu Mo: Miss, would you like a cup of coffee?

Xu Mo seemed to have listened to what I said. He really took a shower, made coffee, watered flowers, and even brought a newspaper to his side...

His black shirt was loosely draped in a bathrobe, half lying on the lazy couch, relaxed and lazy.

The morning sun fell on the person in front of me through the French windows and gauze curtains that had just stunning me, making his contours appear softer.

It seemed that every thread on his body was plated with a faint layer of silver, and the slowly rolling water droplets on the spider plant and the heat of the hydrogenated coffee made his face softer.

This picture is a hundred times more stunning than what I saw when I entered the door just now.

MC: you..you...

I bit my tongue for a while, and my breathing became short.

Xu Mo: What's wrong? Isn't this your request? You made me feel like I was at home...

The corners of Xu Mo's lips were curved, and he gently lifted coffee cup on his hands.

Xu Mo: The coffee is ready, don't you plan to try it?

MC: I, I don’t mean that! If you are alone at home, you have to dress well, or you will catch a cold

Feeling my incoherent speech and the knowingly guilty smile on his face, I took the coffee from him in embarrassment and sat down on the other corner of the carpet.

The rich scent slipped into the stomach along the tip of the tongue, and the whole body was warmed up.

I swallowed the coffee silently, almost burying my head in the coffee cup.

It's all because of this person around, there are too many small conspiracies!

Xu Mo: Actually, I wouldn't be like this when I was alone.

Xu Mo's voice sounded from his side. I looked back at him, his face in the morning light seemed to have a different appeal, and I couldn't help but lean towards him.

Xu Mo: You seem... to be dripping here.

MC: Huh? Where?

I quickly looked down at my shirt and unconsciously moved closer to him.

Xu Mo: It's good now.

Xu Mo's fingers gently rubbed my cheeks, and the light in his eyes gradually settled down, and I realized that I had almost half leaned into his arms.

MC: You...

Xu Mo: Lied.

Xu Mo dropped his finger on my lips and made a silent gesture. The curvature of the corners of the lips was clear and moving.

I swallowed my words all at once, looked at his face close at hand, and heard my heart beating faster.

Xu Mo: You come to me today, There is nothing else to say to me?

MC: ....

I moved my lips slightly, and his fingers lightly rubbed my lips like nostalgia, and left.

MC: Xu Mo...

Xu Mo: Well, I'm listening.

MC: ...Happy Birthday.

Tickー

The crumbling drops of water on the spider plant finally landed softly, splashing a small beam of light in the sweet morning light.

-to be continued-

[tsukikoayanosuke]

Behind the Fic: Canon and Beyond - Jonah Argentum, portrayed by TV Tropes

One of my favorite thing to spend my free times is browsing through TV Tropes about my favorite characters/animes/games/others. So, I've see some tropes and I know my favorite ones.

So, why don't make a trope list for Jonah? I'm bored, okay?

Will probably updates as the story goes.

WARNING: This might contains some spoilers from my fanfiction Twisted-Wonderland: Our Precious Treasure.

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Adaptation Deviation: Since Jonah is an original character to replace the protagonist/Yuu, there will be deviations. Most notably is Yuu came from ‘another world’, Jonah is a native from Twisted-Wonderland as it revealed in Wassailia’s Canon

Affectionate Nickname:

Ace gave Jonah the nickname 'Captain' after the Dwarfs' Mine adventure because of his eyepatch which makes him looks like a pirate and how he's able to command the other three in the fight. Soon, nearly everyone calls him 'Captain'.

It turns out the ‘captain’ nickname was used way before by Jonah’s childhood friends

Floyd calls him 'Baby Seal' because of his small posture.

When Malleus first appears, he calls Jonah 'Little Star'. Lilia also calls Jonah this in his recent appearance. This comes from Jonah and Malleus’ first meeting where they watched the meteor shower together and Jonah mentioned that he likes the stars

All-Loving Hero: Jonah, at his core, is a good boy. He's able to charm nearly everyone around him with his kind personality, even implied he has a remarkable capacity to forgive and willing to help his enemies.

After Riddle's overblot, Jonah suggested that the prefect needed a time-out, even willing to take care of him until Riddle was ready to go back to Heartslabyul. 

He was able to convince Trey to talk to Riddle after the overblot incident where Trey felt guilty for not being a good friend. 

He was willing to help Riddle in the accident-investigations because he genuinely believes that Riddle is growing to be a better person. 

During the confrontation with Savanaclaw during the Magishift, Jonah saved Ruggie, despite their last meeting was not in a good term (with Jonah chasing Ruggie when they found out he was the culprit behind the accidents), from Leona who was about to use his Unique Magic toward him.

After Azul overblot, Jonah said sorry for ‘betraying’ Azul in the first place

When Jonah confronts Jamil, he’s hoping that he can change Jamil’s mind of taking down Kalim because he known that Kalim loves Jamil and Jonah doesn’t want to see him heartbroken

Amnesiac Hero: The Dark Mirror is unable to bring Jonah home because he can't remember where he came from or his past. Though, Che'nya implies that Jonah was once a Royal Sword Academy student, which can explain his heroic tendencies. This adds to the fact during Wassailia’s Canon when Jonah unknowingly visit his hometown, he doesn’t remember anything, not even his father or his childhood friends.

Artificial Limb: During the confrontation with Savanaclaw during the Magishift, Jonah lost his hand because Leona used his Unique Magic on him to saved Ruggie. He now supports a prosthetic hand, made by Idia.

Batman Gambit: Similar to canon, Jonah pulled this in the night of the final day against Octavinelle by trying to convince Leona to join in.

Beware the Nice Ones: Jonah is a kind boy who is willing to befriend everyone, but if you threatened his crew, he won't hesitate to fight.

Big Damn Heroes: 

He swooped in when Leona was about to attack Riddle during the Savanaclaw ambush.

He pushed Ruggie out of the way before Leona unleashed his Unique Magic, which resulted in him losing his hand.

Jonah and Idia crashed into the Halloween Party to stop Maryanne from sucking everyone’s soul.

Jonah crashed into Mostro Lounge office to stop Riddle from signing a golden contract.

Book Dumb: Whatever scene that involved school and studies, Jonah seems to be struggling with it.

Chronic Hero Syndrome: His All-Loving Hero tendencies can be seen as this. The fact he goes out of his way to keep his crew and others out of danger, even recklessly putting himself first in the way which often resulted in him getting hurt.

Clueless Chick Magnet: Platonatically. Jonah has no idea how much power he has in attracting other people into his circle.

Crowley acts similar to a father-figure to Jonah, even scolding him when he got hurt. 

It seems like he has a good relationship with Epel despite only talking with him a few times during Flying Class. 

After getting hurt in a one-on-one Magishift Battle with Leona, everyone was worried about Jonah. This included the Octavinelle Trio who Jonah is working with. Azul refused to make a deal with Leona unless he was willing to work for Azul in Jonah's place. Also, Floyd was willing to 'squeeze' Leona for hurting 'baby seal'. 

Despite only knowing Jonah from Board Game Club, Idia was willing to make a very high-tech prosthetic hand for Jonah when he lost his.

During The Merchant of the Deep Sea, almost everyone is willing to help Jonah to fight against Octavinelle because he helped them first. Most notably is Riddle giving up his unique magic and Leona joining in the last day.

It’s implied that when they were little, Jonah managed to win the heart of Jacob, Bridgette, and Magdalene to form Shooting Star

Cool Sword: His dorm uniform comes with a silver cutlass that can repel magic. It broke during the battle with overblotted Jamil.

Dark-Skinned Redhead

Desperate Looking For A Purpose In Live: The biggest reason why he was acting like this is that he believes that this is the only thing he can do. The title “captain” is the only thing he’s holding on to in his actions as if it’s his job to fix the problems.

Distressed Dude: In The Tactician of the Scorching Sand, Jonah got hypnotized by Jamil and was taken hostage during the final battle.

Don't Fear the Reaper: Jonah, when he was a child, didn’t understand that giving a name to a fae would give them control over you. He gave his full name to Malleus when he was a child during their first meeting, meaning that there’s a possibility that Malleus can control Jonah.

Fatal Flaw: His Chronic Hero Syndrome with a dash of With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility. Jonah knows a lot of his friend sees him as a leader, and thus, as the ‘captain’, it’s natural for him to think about others' safety more than his own. He feels responsible for the safety of his crew and has no hesitation when it comes to saving them. He even admits that he feels guilty if his crew ever gets hurt. He also has no idea how much this causes his friend to worry about him.

Fire-Forge Friends: How his friendship with Ace, Deuce, and Grim was formed.

The Hedonist: When Jonah was little, he pulled Jacob, Bridgette, and Magdalene into wacky shenanigans.

Heroes Want Redheads: More like villains, most notably is Riddle and Azul.

Hypno Fool: Jonah, knowing possibility that Jamil has hypnotize power, still trying to corner Jamil and ended up getting hypnotized.

Idiot Hair

It's All My Fault: He’s very scared of his friends getting hurt that he would blame himself for not doing anything to protect them.

Journey to the Center of the Mind: Jonah always has this every time after they defeated. He would be sent to the overblot character’s Mental World similar to the Disney movie they represented (like the Queen of Heart’s rose maze for Riddle and the burning Prideland for Leona).

The Leader: 

Jonah is the prefect of Ramshackle Dorm and can be count as the main leader of the first year gang.

It turns out he was also the leader and founder of Shooting Stars, which consists of him, Jacob, Bridgette, and Magdalene

Living MacGuffin: He’s possibly the only one who can open and see the ‘Disney Movies’ MacGuffin.

Magical Eye: His right eye can absorb the blot from the overbloted dorm leaders.

The Napoleon: Jonah's height is 157 cm. But, despite his height, he gets the title ‘captain’ even his own little crew.

Near-Death Experience: Jonah has many of them.

Nice Hat: His Dorm Uniform comes with a pirate hat to fit his theme.

Oblivious to Love: He was casually flirting at Riddle during the last chapters of The Crimson Tyrant, unaware how it made Riddle into a blushing mess afterward.

Supreme Chef: Jonah has a surprising talent in cooking, even getting a job as a chef at Mostro Lounge.

Tough Act to Follow: Jonah feels this when his childhood friends expect him to return to a cheerful leader that he once was before amnesia

Un-Sorcerer: The Dark Mirror did claim that Jonah has magical power, however, it's in dormant that even it couldn't detect it. Leona also said that Jonah smells like he has a bit of magic in him.

Virgin Power: During the Halloween mini-arc in Break & Gosh, it’s confirmed that Jonah is a 17-years old virgin. Which means he has the power to unseal a soul hungry ghost. And he did.

We Used to Be Friends: 

The summary of Jonah and Azul’s relationship during The Merchant of the Deep Sea until mid-The Tactician of the Scorching Sand

Jonah’s relationship with his childhood friends can count as this

What Is This Thing You Call "Love"?: Jonah admits that he doesn't quite understand about romance and sex.

[just-dreaming-marvel]

NINETY FIVE - BETTER TOGETHER

LEGACY: A Tony Stark Daughter Story

MASTERLIST

< previous

Word Count: 1,200ish 

Summary: Bailey gets help, with Tony’s support.

The next morning, my therapist had been called and was on her way before I even opened my eyes. Tony had also made breakfast and had clothes laid out for me when I woke. He didn’t want me to have to worry about anything, and I had no energy to fight to stop him. I willingly met with my therapist, with Tony staying right outside the room in case he was needed. For lunch, Tony ordered in food for us and we ate it in the lab. Afterwards, I watched him work, really not feeling the want to work on projects myself.

During the weeks that followed, the routine remained the same but I slowly began helping him in the lab and in the offices once again. Tony was very understanding, especially when it came to my hesitancy around other men. He reran background checks on all of his employees and made sure that either him, Pepper, or Happy were always near. One night, while we were working in the lab, I finally got the courage to ask Tony a question that I had wanted to ask for a few days.

“Dad?” I nervously asked from my work bench. 

“Yeah?” He answered, not looking up from what he was working on.

“Can I ask you a question?” 

He looked up, hurt that I would be so hesitant to ask him a question. “Sure, hun.” He stopped working on what he was doing and made he was over to me. “What’s up?”

“Tomorrow, when I go to therapy… will you… um… will you come with me?”

“Sure B. I always do. And I don’t—“

“No. I mean, um… can you come to therapy with me? Like, in the room? I think I’m ready to open up to you and my therapist thinks so too. So… will you? Will you come with me?”

“Of course sweetie.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my hairline. “I would love to come with you.”

“Thank you.”

When it came time for the appointment the next day, we sat in the room too nervous to talk. Tony’s knee was bouncing nervously and his emotions were all over the place. I blocked him out and took a deep breath. My therapist was watching on, hopeful that this big step would make a positive difference in my progress. 

“I’m going to show you what happened,” I spoke up, looking down at my hands that I was wringing together. “It’s the easiest way because I have a hard time putting it into words.” I turned to face Tony. “I’m going to show you quickly and then I’m going to lessen your emotions because I don’t need you feeling guilty and awful about this. But I do need you to understand what happened, to me and because of me.”

Tony turned to me. “Where do you want me?” He asked.

“Right there is fine. Just give me your hands.” I held out my hands and he set his into them. “Are you ready?” Tony nodded. 

I gripped his hands tighter, closed my eyes, and focused. The memories flashed through my mind and into Tony’s. I began with the day that Dr. M drove up next to me on the street. I showed him the things I had endured and done while I was with HYDRA, but I didn’t show him every single moment. Tony didn’t need to see every single second, like what the men did to me. Once it was through, I opened my eyes to see tears making their way down Tony’s face. I tried to pull my hands away so that I could hug him, but he just gripped them harder.

“If it was too much, I can take it back,” I whispered. 

Tony dropped my hands and rushed to embrace me. “No,” he replied. “I can handle it. I needed to know… Thank you for showing me.”

“Is there anything else you wanted to add, Bailey?” My therapist questioned. 

I pulled away so that I could look Tony in the eye. “I want to sincerely apologize for everything that I have put you through in the years that we have known each other,” I said.

Tony quickly shook his head. “There’s nothing to apologize for.” He rested his hand on my cheek. “Don’t ever feel bad. I’ve caused most of it, and I’m sorry as well. But I would never change anything. We’re stronger and closer than we would have been other wise.” Tears began to well up in my eyes.

“I love you so much Dad. Thank you so much for saving me.”

“I love you so much too. Thank you for letting me be your father. I am so lucky to be able to call you my daughter.”

I had never opened up or depended on Tony as much as I had after returning from the last time HYDRA. And he never disappointed. He was always willing to drop everything to help and made time for me. In the beginning of October, Pepper, Tony, and I agreed that it was time to move back to the city. They had sold my apartment before I had returned, Tony would probably never let me live on my own again and I was okay with that. Because there weren’t any training rooms in the penthouse and exercise seemed to be a healthy way for me to cope, Tony, Pepper, and I made it a routine to run/walk each morning. Whether it be in a gym or around Central Park, it was so nice.

Tony’s fear that something bigger was coming never vanished. We worked extremely hard on the nanotech, designing suits for the both of us. The original plan for my suit to be just in a bracelet didn’t work. So we designed a necklace, bracelet, and shoes. Tony, on the other hand, convinced me to help him create a new arc reactor for him that could house the nano particles. Pepper of course was against it, but I understood his need for it and that if I didn’t help him, he would just do it on his own. By January, wedding planning had finally, though slowly, begun. It was exciting but was seriously almost stopped in March when Tony officially had the surgery so that the housing unit could be attacked to his chest. 

No matter how frustrated Pepper was about the arc reactor, I knew that she would never leave us again. We were a family. And during the months since getting me back from HYDRA, we had had so many amazing moments. Tony even proposed to Pepper again. Because of the drama with me and HYDRA, Tony felt like they didn’t get to properly celebrate. Surprisingly, the press were way more excited about it this go around than the last. The three of us were so excited to start our lives together as an actual family unit. If only we had known that things would never be the same again after a run through Central Park one morning. If we had, I would have treasured those moments more.

next >

[gerlat-apreciation]

Vampiric Protectors Part 1

Ciri, Geralt, and Avallac’h are travelling worlds and about to go home, when Ciri, low on energy and distracted, teleports all three of them to a separate place. Geralt finds himself in a world seemingly like his own, but Regis and Dettlaff are younger, and one is much much more drunk.

This was beta-read by @oversharingskeptic !! Thank you hun for the help!

Also!! I’d like to thank @witcher-not-quitter , @gridelincarver , and @sosaisdming for helping with the idea!

———————————————————————-

Geralt gripped onto Ciri’s hand, their fingers intertwining. Ciri and Avallac’h’s harsh breaths ringing out from the poisonous gas that filled their lungs. Geralt, was unaffected. Witchers could hold their breath much longer than any human or elf ever could. Speaking of elves, the witcher's eyes met the sage’s from behind Ciri’s back, grey meeting brilliant gold, They both immediately glared at each other, Geralt taking the time to bare his sharpened teeth, the elf returned it, albeit with much blunter teeth. Geralt stifled a laugh.

“Are you two ready?” Ciri breathed, looking at them, who suddenly had innocent looks on their faces. Ciri huffed in disappointment, and Geralt suddenly felt guilty, but, taking one last look at the stunning but brutal world around him, he nodded, a soft grunt in his throat to speak for him, his throat felt raspier than usual. He waved it off to the gas, and let the feeling of his daughter moving worlds overcome him.

Time itself seemed to slow, which gave the witcher enough time to be overcome with a feeling. Pride. Pride for his daughter, who had come so far from the little girl running the halls of Kaer Morhen, following around Eskel, or Vesemir like a baby duckling, chirping for stories, or someone to play with her. Geralt had to admit to himself, she was very good at emotional blackmail. He was proud of that too, just like Lambert.. he couldn’t say no to the tiny thing, clinging to his thigh and giving him the dreaded puppy eyes. If Geralt could shiver he would, those puppy eyes forced him into an odd tea party here and there, and now he permanently holds a teacup with a pinky out. No matter how much his brothers told him his courtly manners would be godlike, he didn’t agree.

He was brought back to himself by the sharp sting of hitting the ground, on his back. He opened his eyes and was met with the bright sun, he groaned. What the hell, he thought, a scowl forming on his face. Slowly, he sat up, taking in his surroundings slowly, letting it sink in. During their travels with Ciri, they got separated often, but quickly came back together. But earlier, Geralt reminded himself that Ciri told them both her energy was going low, and that this teleport would be the one that would take them home.

So he was stuck here for a little bit, okay. That was fine. As Geralt drew into a stand, he groaned once more, hands going over his head and curling his back. A simple stretch that popped his back in the same go. Afterwards, Geralt adjusted his many belts, potions, and bombs, then sniffed the air, once, twice, thrice. Soon after the smell of civilization filled his nose, mostly cow and pig shit, but the faint tones of human sweat. There was something about it that made it significantly human. Probably the large amounts of salt? There was something about it that smelled like a bad mix of salt and onion, where and why they ate that much salt Geralt didn’t know, neither did he know about the onion thing. He’d have to ask Regis if he ever got the chance again. Not that he would, or could, Regis was in Nilfgaard, after he hunted down Dettlaff.

Geralt sighed once again, brooding at the loss of his trusty companion, who was always by his side. Sadly Ciri couldn’t teleport him, Avallac’h, herself, and Roach travelling different worlds, but it would have been nice to be able to ride his mare the long distance to the village. But without his trusted companion and confidant, he would have to walk, and of course, Geralt being himself, would complain the entire way there. What was stopping him? Gaunter?

Geralt held back another laugh, he wouldn’t be bothering anybody anytime soon.

So he turned his attention back to following the scent of humans, brooding and complaining the entire way there, in his head of course. Vesemir would have his ass if he found out he complained in view of random people.

**

“You can’t possibly be asking that much for a zeugel!!”

The human male gasped. He was reaching his fortieth winter, with two healthy girls who currently had their heads pressed to the bedroom door, watching them argue. Geralt resisted the urge to eat him instead of a turkey from a nearby inn. Of course that was a joke, he wouldn’t leave the girls without a parent. So, Geralt just sighed in reply.

“150?” He offered. Eyebrows pinching in suppressed anger, he could feel his mutations working overtime to pull back the surprisingly powerful urge to punch this man. But, as if Gaunter himself, the man of mirrors, dickhead extreme, pressed a gentle kiss to his left ass, because the man instantly nodded, and relief flooded each man.

Maybe Gaunter was back..

Nah.

Geralt grunted in agreement, and turned on his heel, slamming the door shut as soon as he exited, and made his way to the location provided, a sewer entrance a little out of town, which flowed into a river that curled around a mountain that the little village was nestled in. It was..quaint..the white haired witcher kneeled in front of the entrance, taking his silver sword and a sharpening stone, raking it quickly against the sides, not enough to chip or damage, the smooth movements calming the swordsman.

Soon after he stands once more, downing a blizzard and a wraith decoction, just to be safe. Geralt was experienced, yes, but even master witchers had trouble with grown zeugls. As the potions slipped down his throat, he shivered, the tingling sensation of his quickened movements caused him to move with an inhuman swiftness, more so than he already did. With grace, he stepped into the sewer tunnel and directly into the flowing water of it. The wolf had no time for disgust, he had a job to do. Walking down the tunnel once more whilst trying to push out every thought of how disgusting it is, he came into a larger room with thick brick walls, and while the entrance was now far far back, he could still see enough to not have to down a cat. Piles and piles of trash, knick knacks, and whatchamacallits that even a blacksmith had no name for, he sniffed the air. Of course the first thing that he smelled was the invasive and frankly rude scent of the piss and shit of the larger (and wealthier) civilization down the road. Of course they built through the mountain, and allowed the probably humongous zeugl to be the villagers problem. This was another of the many reasons on Geralt’s list that he didn’t like nobles in the slightest. But, under all the stench he smelled rotting flesh and the unique rancid stench of a zeugl.

Now that he knew where it was, he started looking closely. He was most likely sharing a room with the thing.

With a little bit of help from his nose, he found a tentacle resting on the edge of the side path. As the Witcher stepped towards it to cut it off and initiate the fight, the floor suddenly cracked, and broke.

He was falling.

And falling.

And falling.

And now he hit the ground, sword tightly gripped in his palm.

There were many many hisses, hisses of Arachas in fact. Fuck.

Geralt sprang up, inhumanly fast and cast a stream of ingi, momentarily lighting the five Arachas (five Arachas too many) on fire. Geralt then, in a smooth movement, flittered to one and started cutting. 1,2,5. Twirling around and snapping his wrist left and right in the move affectionately named ‘Whirl’ by Vesemir. Very soon after the Arachas was very dead, and he moved onto the next one, the others were still on fire. Repeating the move on the second Arachas, they were quickly downed as well. The shrieks of death and the ones on fire filling his ears like daggers.

Not soon after, he had three of them on both his left, right, and front. Geralt in response lurched to the side to get the one on the left, only for the ones on the middle and right to attack him from behind. He growled, rolling away from the three quickly.

There was another, fourth hiss. One of a venomous Arachas. Geralt’s heart was too busy pounding in his ears for him to be able to tell where it was coming from. Grabbing a dancing star from his hip, he slung it in an arcing motion, the Arachas in turn light right back on fire.

But, while attacking, he, in a rookie move, forgot about the very venomous and very dangerous Arachas behind him, and he felt a bite in his thigh and venom filling his muscles. Vision dizzying, he stumbled, gasping and growling desperately to stay awake. But the world was swimming, Geralt couldn’t keep his balance and his vision was going dark. In the commotion Geralt’s sword slipped from his hand causing the Witcher to panic, he keened, and then everything went black. The last thing the Witcher saw was a figure surrounded by smoke lurching at the Arachas from the shadows, claws extended and teeth bared as smoke twisted around their form.

[xsugarysweetsx]

Bam! Im gonna hit you with more various Honoka hcs.

⁃ So when Noka was a baby, neither her dad or Shirou knew what the hell to do with her wings.

⁃ Her first word was "Siro" which was exposed to be "Shirou"

⁃ She would fly around and their dad would make Shirou chase her down.

⁃ When Shirou and Noka were taken in by their uncle, he just slept and let her do whatever.

⁃ Their uncle, also known as Eraserhead, was a very kind guardian

⁃ He went to each of Shirou's ballet concerts, and did Noka's hair for picture day

⁃ If you looked through his search history it would be filled with "how to do a braid for beginners"

⁃ Aizawa bought Noka various art supplies and bought Shirou new shoes whenever they needed them

⁃ Didnt want them to become heroes

⁃ Cause he didnt want to see the two children he practically raised to be hurt

⁃ But because of their ties to All for One, the government forced both of them to become heros to "prove" that they had severed their bonds with All for One

⁃ Shirou's dream was to become a professional dancer and Noka's was to become a professional artist

⁃ And Aizawa was not happy that the two lights in his life were torn from their dreams

⁃ And so Shirou got accepted into the hero program, in class 1-A

⁃ He chose the hero name Shifter

⁃ Cause he could shift into any organic form

⁃ When he got 3rd place at the sports festival, Noka ran around her uncle's apartment screaming with joy

⁃ Noka is literally his biggest fan

⁃ Noka's first friend was a small purple haired boy name Hitoshi Shinsou

⁃ So naturally, she called him Toshi

⁃ And she refused to call him anything else all throughout middle and high school

⁃ Shinsou and Noka have sleepovers all the time and you can't tell me otherwise

⁃ When people would tell Shinsou that his quirk was villainous, Noka would always speak up cause she knew Shinsou wouldnt contradict them

⁃ Noka is always like that

⁃ Speaking up for others and herself. And her smart mouth tends to get her in trouble

⁃ Shinsou would fuss over Noka's wings. Like if they were dirty or a few feathers were out of place, Shinsou would sit her down and fix her wings.

⁃ "Toshi, your inner mom is showing"

⁃ "Its not my fault you cant take proper care of your wings"

⁃ When she told Shinsou about her acceptance into U.A's med course, he couldn't have been prouder

⁃ Noka is actually the one who encouraged Shinsou to train with her uncle.

⁃ But before that lets talk about Noka's time at U.A. so far

⁃ She was first introduced to class 1-A during the first combat training

⁃ Healed everyone who got very minor injuries

⁃ At the USJ attack, Shigiraki deteriorated part of Noka's hip. But her extremely enhanced natural healing abilities stopped the deterioration

⁃ So she has this big ass scar on the back side of her left hip

⁃ She wanted to absolutely murder Shigiraki for letting the Nomu loose on her uncle

⁃ But she doesnt have any damaging fire power

⁃ So she just tried to heal her uncle's wounds the best she could

⁃ Nearly gets herself killed many times with her smart assery

⁃ And gives everyone around her a heart attack in the process

⁃ During the sports festival, she helped RG heal all the students

⁃ Reprimanded Deku for overusing OfA

⁃ Oh yeah, she learned about AfO and OfA from her time with All for One

⁃ Is kind of like to Deku like Recovery Girl is to All Might

⁃ So fast foward to the internships

⁃ She interns with another oc of mine, Snow

⁃ Who is a healer but with incredible attack powers

⁃ Coincidentally, Noka was patrolling Hosu when the nomus hit

⁃ She recieved Deku's distress signal and ran to the scene

⁃ She didnt attack the hero killer, but ran to help Native and made sure he didnt bleed out

⁃ The hero killer didnt bat a single eye at her, deeming her not a threat

⁃ In the end, she didnt harm Stain so her hero guardian? didnt have to take any blame for her actions

⁃ Noka however did get nearly ripped in half by a nomu, so she had to stay in the hospital with Todo and Deku

⁃ So— Summer training arc

⁃ She just looked at her class and said "fuck this" and flew over the whole forest

⁃ She actually beat the wild wild pussycats back to the camp

⁃ She got to know Kota, telling him how she never wanted to become a hero

⁃ Kota may or may not have developed a kiddie crush on her 😳

⁃ But anyways, when everyone else saw her all nice and refreshed, needless to say they were upset

⁃ Some more than others

⁃ *remembers Bakugou nearly blowing off Noka's face because she cheated*

⁃ Aizawa just smirking at his niece cause shes so much like her mother

⁃ "DAMMIT TAKAHASHI. YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE YOU CHEATER"

⁃ "They said to use our quirks. Its not my fault your quirk is too grounded"

⁃ "WHAT— YOU WANNA FIGHT—"

⁃ "No I wanna eat, goodbye—"

⁃ Focuses on her attack and the healing capabilities of her quirk

⁃ Let me set the scene

⁃ At the beginning of UA, our Noka could barely heal up a small cut

⁃ But now, she can close up major wound with little to no effort

⁃ P r o g r e s s people

⁃ N e ways

⁃ So when they do the haunted quirk thingy

⁃ Hairi and Noka are paired up, to their delight

⁃ But they aren't able to go into the forest before the attack happens

⁃ Apparently, the league came for Bakugou and Noka

⁃ Cause the "master" wanted his first nomu to return to him

⁃ But all Deku knew was "they are after Kacchan and the master's first Nomu"

⁃ Nobody knew who the first nomu was except for Noka

⁃ See, AfO took and gave Noka various quirks, eventually ending up with her current quirk(s)

⁃ Eventually, Noka is cornered by Dabi

⁃ His fire power vastly out matches hers

⁃ But she puts up one hell of a fight

⁃ And Kurogiri took her before she woke up and fought back even more

⁃ So everyone was panicking when they couldnt find Noka

⁃ Aizawa was panicking them most

⁃ His precious niece was missing, no, taken by the league

⁃ The students had never seen their teacher so frazzled

⁃ The thing that broke Aizawa more was the look on Shirou's face when he told him that his baby sister was missing

⁃ His precious baby sister

⁃ His whole world

⁃ Shirou didnt go out of his room for days

⁃ He was there when they were to save Bakugou and Noka

⁃ All Might fought AfO, and won

⁃ But there was no sign of Noka

⁃ Shirou nearly tackled Bakugou, demanding, no, more like pleading for him to tell him where she was

⁃ Bakugou merely said "She's gone, and I dont know where she went"

⁃ The whole class was in a panic

⁃ Where was Noka? Was she hurt? Was she scared? Was she in danger?

⁃ And the question that hung on everyone's mind the most was

⁃ Is she alive?

⁃ The emptiness of Noka's desk was deafening

⁃ Their smart ass classmate was nowhere to be found

⁃ And they all felt guilty

⁃ But none more than Bakugou

⁃ For he was the last to see her alive so to speak

⁃ And her last words to him were "Forget about me ya big oaf, you hear me? I don't want you sulking, or I'll personally beat your ass."

⁃ Forget about her? How could he do that?

⁃ Noka was the only person who didn't put up with his bullshit

⁃ From day one she put him in his place

⁃ And honestly shes the closest thing to a sister he has

⁃ During the hero license exam, all of class 1-A decided that Noka would be really upset if they all sulked and failed their exams

⁃ But the fact that only Todoroki and Bakugou failed would make her fall into hysterics

⁃ When class 1-A met the big three, Mirio told them that Noka was strong and stubborn to a fault, so they shouldnt worry about things that arent in their control

⁃ To which they asked how he knew her

⁃ Apparently Shirou, Amajiki, and Mirio have all been friends since elementary school

⁃ So Amajiki and Mirio had been there a lot for many crucial parts of Noka's childhood

⁃ When the work studies started, Deku went on patrol with Mirio and Shirou, AKA Lemillion and Shifter

⁃ Shirou couldnt help but feel so much guilt crushing him when Eri jumped out of Deku's arms

⁃ Cause Eri reminded him of his little sister

⁃ Speaking of little sister

⁃ For the last 2 months, Noka had been experimented on by Kai Chisaki

⁃ In the mean time trying to protect Eri and building a loving friendship with the young girl

⁃ But ive alreadly talked about this part

⁃ So skipping to when they save her

⁃ It was a total shock for them

⁃ To see this wingless, pale, frail, bandage wrapped girl

⁃ And even more so when she spoke

⁃ Not having that bite that their Noka had

⁃ But a softer, more broken voice replaced her normally boisterous and confident voice

⁃ In the big battle agains Chisaki, Noka got slammed against a wall

⁃ Which in normal circumstances would be fine, but with her body in such a week state it immediately cracked her ribs and spine

⁃ Ochako helped get her friend to the ambulance as quick as she could

⁃ Shirou saw a fluff of pale pink hair out of the corner of his eye

⁃ He immediately turned to run towards the medical stretcher, but was stopped

⁃ He kicked and screamed something along the lines of "THATS MY BABY SISTER. PLEASE LET ME SEE HER"

⁃ In the most broken voice you would ever hear

⁃ In the hospital, after Sir. Nighteye had passed, Deku, Kirishima, Amajiki, Shirou, Ochako, Tsu and Aizawa were all waiting anxiously for Noka's surgery

⁃ When all of a sudden the door explodes open and the nurses and doctors are shoved out by an invisible force of heat

⁃ Noka was using her ability to set herself aflame and be healed in the ashes

⁃ But no one knew wtf was going on cause she learned the trick at the Hassaiki hideout

⁃ So p a n i k

⁃ But after the doctors confirmed her stablility, they all went back to school

⁃ The whole class bursted into tears when they told them about Noka

⁃ Jirou, Kaminari, Momo and Mina all being the most emotionally impacted

⁃ Bakugou was almost crying witb relief but he disnt show jt

⁃ They weren't allowed to see Noka for a whole month

⁃ Only family were allowed

⁃ She was hard at work recovering and going through therapy and they didnt want to disturb her

⁃ But when they (Kirishima, Deku, Ochako, and Tsu) did visit, they were shocked

⁃ There was this soft spoken, trembling, woman, and this was after a month of intense therapy

⁃ They hadnt event started physcial therapy yet, they wanted to get her tk the point she could be around others without going into a panic mode

⁃ Thus she needs the wheelchair

I have a bunch more random hcs but this is so long anyways. Im so sorry >_<

~Blurb~

It’s fine anon but seriously you gotta start posting!

[theusurpersdog]

The Price of Peace

In my first two pieces on A Dance with Dragons, I discussed the political aspect and relationships within Dany’s arc; and those aspects are extremely important because the way Daenerys interacts with the world reveals pieces of her. But they are just reflections of the most important part of her story: the human heart in conflict with itself.

The way her 10 chapters are written is extremely intentional; they are meant to act as mirror images of each other; the choices Daenerys is forced to make in the first three chapters are the choices she is again forced to make in the last three chapters. The point of this is so we can see how she has changed over the course of the story; at the end of her arc, she makes the opposite choices than she did at the beginning – instead of chaining her dragons she flies off on Drogon, abandons her “floppy ears”, and instead of staying in Meereen decides to leave.

And beyond the chapters in this book, GRRM has designed Daenerys’ whole story to be circular; everything about her time in Meereen harkens back to her time with the Dothraki, and her final chapter on the Dothraki Sea is an almost exact recreation of her last chapter in A Game of Thrones. Just as the middle chapters of A Dance with Dragons function as the connecting thread between Daenerys’ change of heart, A Clash of Kings and A Storm of Swords connect the little girl from the first chapter of A Game of Thrones to the khaleesi embracing fire & blood at the end of A Dance with Dragons. And that’s why this book feels like the climax of Dany’s story; because everything she’s done has been building to Daenerys X.

Only One Thing Frightens Me Now

In previous books, especially A Storm of Swords, we see Daenerys begin embracing her connection to her dragons, using it to explain her fiery nature and short temper. But when she is presented with Hazzea’s bones, it forces Dany to reckon with the truth of that connection:

“Lannister or Stark, what difference? Viserys used to call them the Usurper’s dogs. If a child is set upon by a pack of hounds, does it matter which one tears out his throat? All the dogs are just as guilty. The guilt. . .” The word caught in her throat. Hazzea.

For a long time now, she has known what her dragons were capable of; in A Clash of Kings she feared they would burn her kingdom to the ground, and in A Storm of Swords she feared they would hurt Irri and Jhiqui after Drogon bit and burned them. But she chose to ignore the red flags because her dragons were her children. And worse, they were her path to power:

If I look back, I am doomed. Dany told herself . . . but how could she not look back? I should have seen it coming. Was I so blind, or did I close my eyes willfully, so I would not have to see the price of power?

When Eroeh was hurt in A Game of Thrones, Daenerys was able to tell herself that it wasn’t her fault, that all she had done was try to help her. But the blood of Hazzea’s death is on Dany’s hands and she can’t pretend otherwise. Daenerys had always had some amount of fear that she could be capable of the cruelty her father and brother displayed, but this is proof to her that she has already let herself become something she never wanted to be. So she locks her dragons away; refusing to allow anyone else to get hurt, or herself to be tempted by their power.

And for the first several chapters of A Dance with Dragons, Daenerys is heartbroken; for her dragons and for herself. Before, they had been like her children, but now she can only think of them with disgust:

Mother of dragons, Daenerys thought, Mother of monsters. What have I unleashed upon the world?

And beyond the shame she feels for placing her dragons ahead of her people, Daenerys is scared of what she might become:

“Only one thing frightens me now.”

“And what is it that you fear, sweet queen?”

“I am only a foolish young girl.” Dany rose on her toes and kissed his cheeks. “But not so foolish as to tell you that.”

These lines make it very clear that the only thing that frightens Dany is herself; but a pre-released chapter from before A Dance with Dragons was published made it even more clear:

She looks at Ser Barristan and tells him that she told Xaro that she feared only one thing, though she would not tell the merchant what. Ser Barristan guesses that she only fears her dragons. “Myself,” Dany tells him

This fear she has of herself is made even clearer in this passage:

She was the blood of the dragon, but Ser Barristan had warned her that in that blood there was a taint. Could I be going mad? They had called her father mad, once.

This is the first time Daenerys acknowledges that being “the blood of the dragon” could be negative, and enforces her belief that she should completely turn her back on her dragons.

Looking Back

I call so much attention to Daenerys’ chaining of her dragons and fear over her own impulses because it is so contradictory to the choices she will make in the last several chapters.

Like I said earlier, GRRM designed her chapters to be circular in nature to highlight Dany’s change of heart through the course of the book. But her change of heart does not happen suddenly; it happens slowly, as she begins to forget Hazzea and her father.

At first, she feels guilty even mentioning her dragons to Xaro Xhoan Daxos:

“My dragons have grown, my shoulders have not. They range far afield, hunting.” Hazzea, forgive me.

But by the time Quentyn arrives in Meereen, she is willing to flaunt her dragons for him:

“They are dragons, Quentyn.” Dany stood on her toes and kissed him lightly once on each cheek. “And so am I.”

A part of the reason she can never let her dragons go is that she really did see them as her children, and they protected her when no one else could:

Drogon saved me when they would have drained my life from me. Drogon burned them all.

When Drogon disappears, she genuinely misses him as if she has lost a child.

But even more than that, the dragons are a piece of her. In the same way that the Starks share a special bond with their direwolves, Daenerys has imprinted on her dragons; to deny them is to deny herself. That’s why she seeks out comfort in the form of Daario once she has caged them:

And who would ever dare to love a dragon?

She found herself thinking of Daario Naharis once again

Everything in Meereen is built on Dany’s rejection of her dragons; not because she wants or planned for it to be this way, but because she must give up on her dragons to protect her people. And that gets to the heart of Dany’s despair at everything in Meereen; because her and her dragons are so interconnected, she must reject herself to be Queen of Meereen. Dany understands this when she chains her dragons, and understands that she should reject the parts of herself that allowed Hazzea to die; she spends nearly the entirety of A Dance with Dragons trying to change who she is. That’s what she is doing when she chains her dragons, makes peace with Astapor and Yunkai, marries Hizdahr, and opens the fighting pits.

But change is easier said than done, and even though Daenerys constantly places everyone above herself, she can’t quite commit to leaving her dragons and true nature behind. As I explored in my last meta, Daario is Dany’s outlet for her “dragon” desires, and the more she commits to Meereen, the more she gives to Daario; until she has to marry Hizdahr, and has to end her affair with Daario. Not coincidentally, it is right after this that she decides to leave Meereen for good.

Dreams of Smoke and Fire

Throughout the series, even before they hatched, the dragons have been on a parallel journey with Daenerys. And while she spends most of A Dance with Dragons apart from them, Dany still shares much of her story with Drogon, Rhaegal, and Viserion.

The way Rhaegal and Viserion are chained at the start of the story is symbolic of how Daenerys must give up part of herself to be Queen of Meereen. And much like Daenerys holds on to Daario as refuge, not all of the dragons are caged:

Two score of her bravest had risked themselves trying to capture him. Almost all had suffered burns, and four of them had died. The last she had seen of Drogon had been at sunset on the night of the third attempt. The black dragon had been flying north across the Skahazadhan toward the tall grasses of the Dothraki sea. He had not returned.

Even while Daenerys and her dragons labor in Meereen, a part of them is returning to the Dothraki Sea.

And just as Daenerys begins to grow tired and frustrated with the city and seeks more and more comfort with Daario, her dragons slowly begin to work their way free:

Down in the pit, Viserion had snapped one of his chains; he and Rhaegal grew more savage every day.

The bones on the floor of the pit were deeper than the last time she had been down here, and the walls and floors were black and grey, more ash than brick. They would not hold much longer … but behind them was only earth and stone. Can dragons tunnel through rock, like the firewyrms of old Valyria? She hoped not.

In the days leading up to the events of Daznak’s Pit, Daenerys begins to have dreams similar to the ones she had on the Dothraki Sea:

She was still talking when Dany finally fell to sleep, to dream queer, half-formed dreams of smoke and fire.

Drogon arrives in Daznak’s Pit just as Daenerys decides she can’t handle to proceedings anymore, and rips off the tokar that represents the peace she has made in the city. And when the spearmen begin trying to kill him, it affects Daenerys just as much as the dragon:

Drogon raised his head, blood dripping from his teeth. The hero leapt onto his back and drown the iron spearpoint down at the base of the dragon’s long scaled neck.

Dany and Drogon screamed as one.

Even when Daenerys has flown off with Drogon and left Meereen, her other two dragons continue to parallel her journey; Rhaegal and Viserion break free of their chains just as Daenerys symbolically breaks free of hers.

And once her and Drogon are in the Dothraki Sea, Drogon’s refusal to leave “Dragonstone” for Meereen is a reflection of Daenerys’ own desire to leave the city.

All of these connections work to make one point very clear: Daenerys is her dragons. So much of her arc over the last two books comes down to Daenerys having to choose between her people or her dragons, but it’s a choice she cannot make because she will always return to the dragons. At the end of A Game of Thrones, standing in the burning funeral pyre as her dragons hatch, this is what she thought to herself:

I am Daenerys Stormborn, daughter of dragons, bride of dragons, mother of dragons

She made the choice to become those things when she sacrificed Mirri Maz Dur, and it’s a choice she is unable to turn her back on, no matter how hard she tries.

And GRRM has gone out of his way to make clear that this is a bad thing. The dragons cannot be tamed, chained, or overpowered. They are an unstoppable and unpredictable force, and everyone around them must cater to their whims or be burned along the way. Daenerys herself faces the consequences of dragons from thousands of years prior; the people in Meereen are starving because none of the ground is fertile, and none of the ground is fertile because Valyrian dragons scorched the earth. Hazzea’s death is the culmination of a pattern of escalation from Dany’s dragons; a tragic inevitability because Daenerys allowed them to be free.

I find it very interesting because, as I’ll elaborate below, the last two chapters of Dany’s Dance arc are focused on her undoing the decisions she makes in the first few chapters as she returns to the choices she made at the end of A Game of Thrones, that she also undoes a pivotal choice she made in A Storm of Swords. As I mentioned in the meta I wrote for that book, Daenerys went to Slaver’s Bay to buy an army, and “Breaker of Chains” humanitarian efforts came next; a side quest that became her main storyline. And it became her main storyline when she decides to lead the Unsullied as free men:

She raised the harpy's fingers in the air . . . and then she flung the scourge aside.

But when she decides to tame Drogon and ride away from Daznak’s Pit, she does the opposite:

She scrabbled in the sand, pushing against the pitmaster's corpse, and her fingers brushed against the handle of his whip. Touching it made her feel braver. The leather was warm, alive.

A Dragon or a Harpy

Daenerys’ time in Meereen is defined by her steadfast refusal to accept any part of their culture; she hates their food, she hates their customs and traditions, and it is a burden for her to even wear the tokar. This is a startling contrast to how willing she was to join Dothraki culture in A Game of Thrones, where she tells Jorah she is not a Queen but a Khaleesi. Her attitudes toward the Meereenese are much more in line with Viserys’ view of the Dothraki; the same way Viserys complained of their strange clothes, foreign tongue, and general “savagery”, even the way Viserys was appalled by the way they eat horse meat, is paralleled in how Daenerys discusses those aspects of Meereenese culture, except replace “horse meat” with “dog meat”. While Daenerys has some moral objections to Meereen, she hates most of their things because she is angry she has to be there, stuck a world away from the Seven Kingdoms, just as Viserys hated the Dothraki because they wouldn’t sail across the Narrow Sea for him.

Daenerys connection to Viserys grows as she is forced into the same position he was; watching helplessly as the Iron Throne slips slowly out of her grasp. Much more than any prior book, Daenerys constantly hears his advice in her mind:

"I am the blood of the dragon," Dany reminded him. "Have you ever seen a dragon with the flux?" Viserys had oft claimed that Targaryens were untroubled by the pestilences that afflicted common men, and so far as she could tell, it was true.

Viserys would have his head off for that insolence.

“If my brother Viserys had known that he had a Dornish princess waiting for him, he would have crossed to Sunspear as soon as he was old enough to wed."

I did wait. For my crown, for my throne, for you. All those years, and all I ever got was a pot of molten gold. Why did they give the dragon's eggs to you? They should have been mine. If I'd had a dragon, I would have taught the world the meaning of our words. Viserys began to laugh, until his jaw fell away from his face, smoking, and blood and molten gold ran from his mouth.

These parallels aren’t meant to suggest that Daenerys is becoming Viserys as much as they are to show the fulfillment of Dany’s own fears; through Clash and Storm, she has worried that if she had to beg and wait as Viserys did, she could become him. And in A Dance with Dragons, she has to beg for every small amount of peace the Sons of the Harpy will allow her, and abandon Astapor and Yunkai back to slavery, as well as marry herself away to Hizdahr zo Loraq; all so one day Meereen might be peaceful enough for her to sail to Westeros. This waiting and begging chips at her sanity the same way it did Viserys.

Complicating Dany’s moral distaste for Meereen is the way she unintentionally perpetuates some of the worst aspects of the culture. As I broke down in a previous meta, Dany tortures prisoners en masse and allows the Shavepate to torture innocent children in front of their fathers. She also forces people into hard labor:

Xaro gave a languid shrug. “As it happens, when I came ashore in your sweet city, I chanced to see upon the riverbank a man who had once been a guest in my manse, a merchant who dealt in rare spices and choice wines. He was naked from the waist up, red and peeling, and seemed to be digging a hole.”

“Not a hole. A ditch, to bring water from the river to the fields. We mean to plant beans. The beanfields must have water.”

“How kind of my old friend to help with the digging. And how very unlike him. Is it possible he was given no choice in the matter? No, surely not. You have no slaves in Meereen.”

Dany flushed. “Your friend is being paid with food and shelter. I cannot give him back his wealth. Meereen needs beans more than it needs rare spices, and beans require water.”

Daenerys never says the man is a criminal, and only mentions that he lost his wealth when the spice trade collapsed. To me, this strongly suggests the man is not a criminal being punished for his crimes, but a newly poor man being exploited due to his lack of options. And previously in A Storm of Swords, Daenerys had already decided to collect taxes from the temporary slave trade.

Yet Daenerys does not seem to notice the voluntary choices she makes to compromise her morality, instead focusing on the choices the Sons of the Harpy and Hizdahr force on her. But the symbolism of Drogon makes it clear:

Drogon hunted far afield, but when he was sated he liked to bask in the sun at the apex of the Great Pyramid, where once the harpy of Meereen had stood.

And Daenerys even living in the Great Pyramid begins to disconnect her from the people she is supposed to represent; in A Storm of Swords, she thinks to herself how different it is for those in the pyramids:

The stars were coming out above, and the silk lanterns below, just as Kraznys’s translator had promised. The brick pyramids were all glimmer with light. But it is dark below, in the streets and plazas and fighting pits. And it is darkest of all in the barracks, where some little boy is feeding scraps to the puppy they gave him when they took away his manhood.

Daenerys’ men are slaughtered in the streets as she stays atop her pyramid with Daario, too impatient to hear the complaints of her people:

"As my queen commands. Will you hold court today?"

"No.”

Mother to Us All

Daenerys is torn between being a mother to her people or to her dragons; and while she grows more tired of her role as Queen and pulls closer to Daario, she is also starting to hate the Meereenese smallfolk she stayed to protect.

The reason Daenerys was able to temporarily overcome her love for her dragons and chain them is because of how much she also loves her people; from the moment they declared her Mhysa, it fundamentally changed the way she perceived the world. Because of Mirri Maz Duur, Dany believes she will never be able to have kids; and in the immediate aftermath of that revelation, she treated her dragons like they were her only chance to be a mother. But thousands of smallfolk chose her to be their mother, which offers Daenerys the choice to be something more. Being the mother of dragons is what she wants, but being mhysa is the right thing to do. At the end of A Storm of Swords, Daenerys didn’t realize it was a choice she had to make, and tried to be both; but once Hazzea dies and she is forced to choose, she makes the right decision by placing her people first. But, slowly throughout A Dance with Dragons, she comes to regret that choice for two reasons: she feels as if she can’t help the people, and then realizes she doesn’t want to.

As I discussed before, Daenerys has to make a series of compromises with the Sons of the Harpy and the Masters of Astapor and Yunkai to keep the peace; one of these compromises is locking Meereen’s gates and leaving the Astapori refugees to die:

They were her children, but she could not help them now.

Dany has to make so many decisions that harm huge amounts of smallfolk to keep what little peace she has made in Meereen, and starts to feel as if nothing matters. If Astapor and Yunkai have returned to slavery anyway, why should she make herself miserable in Meereen when she could take her dragons and fly to Westeros?

Even more than a feeling of hopelessness, though, it is Dany’s dislike of the Meereenese that makes her regret choosing them over her dragons:

Ten thousand throats roared out their thanks; then twenty thousand; then all. They did not call her name, which few of them could pronounce. “Mother!” they cried instead; in the old dead tongue of Ghis, the word was Mhysa! They stamped their feet and slapped their bellies and shouted, “Mhysa, Mhysa, Mhysa,” until the whole pit seemed to tremble. Dany let the sound wash over her. I am not your mother, she might have shouted, back, I am the mother of your slaves, of every boy who ever died upon these sands whilst you gorged on honeyed locusts.

As Queen, Daenerys feels like she is forced to only represent the Nobles of Meereen instead of the slaves she stayed behind to protect. Being made to attend the fighting pits and watch as smallfolk fight and die for the pleasure of the Masters is the final insult to Daenerys.

But even though Dany tells herself she is the mother of their slaves, in truth it is clear she doesn’t like them either:

Daenerys was sick unto death of Zhak and Merreq; she was sick of all the Mereenese, great and small alike.

She has become so disconnected with “her people” that it’s a joke to her when Daario calls her out on it:

“On the morrow I will be a woman wed, and Hizdahr will be king. Let him hold court. These are his people."

"Some are his, some are yours. The ones you freed."

"Are you chiding me?"

"The ones you call your children. They want their mother."

"You are. You are chiding me."

The idea of the slaves appeals to Daenerys much more than the reality. The complete love and adoration she felt when she rode through the screaming crowd at the end of A Storm of Swords is what she wanted from the Meereenese when she chose to stay behind, but in reality they aren’t always like that; they are poor people who just want better lives, and get angry with Daenerys when she gets in the way of that, such as when they line up to be repaid for their animals that Drogon killed. The only slaves that never lose hope in Dany as a savior are the ones who live in Astapor, desperately clinging to the hope that someone could come save them:

“Every day we told each other that the dragon queen was coming back.” The woman had thin lips and dull dead eyes, set in a pinched and narrow face. “Cleon had sent for you, it was said, and you were coming.”

And those are the people she must shut outside the gates, again making her feel like everything she does is meaningless. By the time she has married Hizdahr and is opening the fighting pits to negotiate peace with Yunkai, Daenerys can’t even remember why she stayed in Meereen:

“I suppose I must be thankful for small victories,” the queen said.

“One step, then the next, and soon we shall be running. Together we shall make a new Meereen.” The street ahead had finally cleared. “Shall we continue on?”

What could she do but nod? One step, then the next, but where is it I’m going?

I think this divide within Daenerys, of wanting to be a mother to her people while slowly growing to despise them, is fascinating to view through the lens of her relationship to Missandei:

"I would sooner stay with you. On Naath I'd be afraid. What if the slavers came again? I feel safe when I'm with you."

Safe. The word made Dany’s eyes fill up with tears. “I want to keep you safe.” Missandei was only a child. With her, she felt as if she could be a child too. “No one ever kept me safe when I was little. Well, Ser Willem did, but then he died, and Viserys . . . I want to protect you but . . . it is so hard. To be strong. I don’t always know what I should do. I must know, though. I am all they have. I am the queen . . . the . . . the. . .”

“. . . mother,” whispered Missandei.

“Mother to dragons.” Dany shivered.

“No. Mother to us all.” Missandei hugged her tighter.

Missandei is exactly what Daenerys wanted when she chose to stay in Meereen; a former slave who loves and adores her, and because she is Dany’s own scribe she gets to feel safe and cared for (unlike the unprotected slaves living in the city). Beyond that, Missandei allows Daenerys to vicariously fix her own childhood; so much of Dany’s hatred of slavery comes from her own experience being sold by Viserys to Khal Drogo, and Daenerys sees herself in Missandei. As Daenerys says in the above quote, once Ser Willem died, she had no one to ever protect or even care for her, and she wants to be the mother she never had to anyone who feels scared or afraid.

I think it’s so easy to forget because Daenerys was married and gave birth in the first book, and then goes on to lead an army and be Queen of a city, but she is still a child herself. During A Dance with Dragons, she’s roughly 15 or 16 years old - just a teenager - and yet she’s putting tremendous pressure on herself to be a mother to thousands of former slaves, while at the same time trying to build herself the childhood she never had. It’s no coincidence that she begins thinking of the house with the red door more often:

She had been dreaming of a house with a red door when Missandei woke her.

Dany had never known a home. In Braavos, there had been a house with a red door, but that was all.

This was done in Braavos, while we were living in the house with the red door. Why did that make her feel so strange?

She would rather have drifted in the fragrant pool all day, eating iced fruit off silver trays and dreaming of a house with a red door

Not since those half-remembered days in Braavos when she lived in the house with the red door had she been as happy.

I’m most interested by this dream she has, though:

"Is it Daario? What's happened?" In her dream they had been man and wife, simple folk who lived a simple life in a tall stone house with a red door.

This is the first time Daenerys has imagined a future with a red door; she has always wanted to return to the house in Braavos, but she’s never had dreams of what a future there could look like until this dream. And she pictures Daario as her husband living a simple life, even though she knows that is impossible:

I would give up my crown if he asked it of me, Dany thought. . . but he had not asked it, and never would. Daario might whisper words of love when the two of them were as one, but she knew it was the dragon queen he loved. If I gave up my crown, he would not want me.

This emphasizes that Dany will never be happy. She longs for and dreams of the house with a red door because it is an impossible reality - the one time in her life where she lived as a princess free of fear and responsibility. It’s the perfect childhood she almost had and then lost, and for the rest of her life she’s going to try and get it back. But the truth is it is lost forever; Daenerys is not the same young girl who wants peace and simplicity and nothing else, and the world will not allow her to be a carefree princess anymore. And if the red door is Dany’s ideal of lost childhood and innocence, Daario is the personification of her new dream of fire and blood and freedom from her moral misgivings. She dreams of both Daario and the red door together because they are the two things she wants most in the world; but they cannot possibly exist together. She can’t be a dragon queen who lives a simple life. At some point, she has to choose which future she wants, because she can have one but not the other.

I’ve decided to split this piece into two separate parts. As I said in my first post about A Dance with Dragons, I originally intended on three metas; the first two, about Dany’s political arc and relationships, I’ve already put out. But in writing about her personal journey, I realized it has two halves, and to do both justice I think they need separate posts. This piece is to cover the first half of her arc, up through the first nine chapters, and should highlight the huge choices she made in the first three chapters to give up on her dragons and Westeros to save her people, and then the next six chapters which test her resolve and make her regret those original choices. My next, and last, piece on Daenerys in A Dance with Dragons will solely focus on Daenerys X, when she decides to turn her back on Meereen and embrace her family and her dragons.