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caermis · 4 years

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❝Indirect Confession sorta...❞‌ ‌

⌽Tanjiro Kamado, Inosuke Hashibara, & Zenitsu Agatsuma X‌ ‌Black!Reader‌ ‌

⌽Characters‌ ‌ ➷Tanjiro Kamado ➷Inosuke Hashibara ➷Zenitsu Agatsuma ⌽Warnings‌ ‌ ⌽Prompt/Summary:‌ ‌First meeting you. Realizing their feelings. Confessing. ⌽Notes‌ ➷I couldn’t help myself ➷I swear im working on the other stories involving parts, but I have the attention span of a walnut. Give me timeeeeee

⌽Tanjiro Kamado⌽

➷First meeting you

⌽Stares, but doesn’t realize his staring. So when you catch him staring at you, he’s embarrassed. He’ll go up to you and introduce himself and apologize for staring.

⌽What makes him stares is your scent, you smell so nice and honest. He’s immediately drawn to you and can't help but stare.

⌽He befriends you rather quickly and overprotective of you and Nezuko.

“I’m Tanjiro Kamado! Sorry for staring, but you're really attractive.”

“Y/N L/N and thank you…”

➷Realizing his feelings

⌽Being friends with you for so long, he finds himself mimicking little habits you have. Like when you talk, you make hand movements as you do, and he finds himself doing the same thing.

⌽Always trying the things you like. If it’s like a certain food that he hasn’t tried and you tell him you enjoy, expect that boy to be trying that thing.

⌽Shinobu is the one who mentions this, making Tanjiro immediately embarrassed.

“You do everything Y/N does. Could it be you like them?”

“What!? I don’t do everything Y/N does…”

“You’re doing the hand thing again.”

“I’m not!”

➷Confessing

⌽At first, he imagined it as some romantic dinner by candlelight, but you needed help with your hair, so he helped. You had instructed him how to do it, helping him along the way. He was extremely gentle and occasionally asked if he was going too hard. After washing your hair, he offered to detangle it.

He sat in a chair, while you sat between his legs, letting him run his hands through your hair with leave-in-conditioner. “It feels like we’re a married couple.” You muttered aloud, Tanjiro laughing lightly, his lips moving on their own. Before he knew what he was saying, it had already been said, “I wouldn’t mind marrying you?”

You both froze, Tanjiro’s soul leaving his body. Before a soft laugh left your mouth, and you turned and looked up at him. “I wouldn’t mind marrying you too.”

⌽Inosuke Hashibara⌽

➷First meeting you

⌽He thinks you’re a demon and wants to fight you. He literally chases you around, because at the time you didn’t have your Katana on you. Takes Tanjiro head-butting him and stopping him from leaping at you.

⌽What catches his attention is your skin. It’s brown, it looks like it glows gold in the sun. That’s some real demon shit, so of course, he’s suspicious.

⌽He takes a while before you become friends because he doesn’t believe your human and he’s always trying to kill you.

“Inosuke! Y/N is human!”

“Get out of my way! You aren’t going to trick me!”

➷Realizing his Feelings

⌽After being convinced you weren’t a demon, he spends a lot of time around you. Knows where you are at most times because he’s with you.

⌽Silently watches you train, memorizing things you do when fighting. He wants to be able to fight with you easily, and if he knows your fighting style, he can alter his style when fighting with you.

⌽Zenitsu is the one who says something. Laughing at Inosuke when he doesn’t understand liking someone.

“You dont understand- Pfffffft!!!”

“Shut up!”

➷Confessing

⌽He doesn’t realize it has to be some romantic way, so he doesn’t plan to have it some romantic way. You offer him to be his training partner on two vs two match against Tanjiro and Zenitsu. Which goes smoothly, well sorta.

“Inosuke.” His body collided with yours, sending you both spiraling back. “Y/N!” Opening your eyes, you met Inosuke’s. He held onto you, his back against the building that you both crashed into you. You slowly nodded and stand up, helping Inosuke up.

“Are you both ok!?”

“Yea-” Cutting me off, Inosuke growling and storming towards Tanjiro. “Inosuke!” You stop him and he looks back at you. “Lets go clean up your back. Ok.” He huffs and follows you inside. There you wipe down his back, placing bandages on.

“You should be mine.” Inosuke muttered as you moved back, wiping off your hands. “Become yours?” Inosuke avoided your gaze, muttered that Zenitsu told him to ask you to be his. Silence settled over you both before he glared at you. “Yes or No!?”

“… we can try…”

“Try what!?”

“I can try being yours.”

“THEN JUST SAY YES!”

“IM A BOUTTA SAY NO!”

⌽Zenitsu Agatsuma⌽

➷First meeting you

⌽What everyone expected was not what had happened. They expected him to run at you, cling onto you, drool, but he didn’t. He didn’t even move towards you, but quietly observed you. Everyone was shocked or worried. Zenitsu had never seen someone that looked like you, so it really caught him off guard.

⌽What catches his attention, literally everything. You look like you're not from his world with kinky curly H/C hair to your brown skin. He is thrown off, much like Tanjiro he stares.

⌽It takes a while for him to actually talk to you, but when he does you two are good friends, and he seems to return to his usual self, asking you almost every day to marry him.

➷Realizing his Feelings

⌽If he sees something that reminds him of you, he’ll get it. You like flowers, suddenly you have flowers that Zenitsu gets for you. He doesn’t even realize what he’s doing, the next thing he knows he has flowers and giving them to you asking to marry him again.

⌽With how forgiving you are and how much patience you have with him. He limits to asking you to marry him 5 times a day, because the 6th time, he’ll get hit in the back of the head, but five times is a lot. You always politely reject him and never crush his heart. So he believes he has a chance.

⌽Literally, everyone mentions it, like how different he is towards you and other females.

“What if they shoot me down again!?”

“IF YOU ASK THEM ON A DATE AND NOT MARRIAGE, THEY MIGHT SAY YES!”

➷Confessing

⌽This man plans out literally everything for a date he asked you out on, but nothing goes his way. Dinner, Failure. The midnight walk, failure. Everything is a disaster, and he feels horrible. So he avoids you for a few days, not wanting to get rejected.

“Zenitsu.”

“Y/N!” He looks away from the moon and you take a seat beside him with a small smile. “Couldn’t sleep.” Zenitsu shamefully shakes his head, looking back at you. A silver silk head wrap covering your hair. “I’m sorry about the date. It went horrible and-” he paused, feeling you kiss his cheek and quickly looked away.

“I had fun.”

“You… you did? Y/N, please marry me.”

“No… at least not yet.”

“Wait, you would marry me!?” You stared at him and nodded. You watched Zenitsu start to pull you into a hug. Awkwardly hugging him, you pulled away. “Do you want to actually be with me?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t Zeni.”

“A nickname….” He started crying again.

#demon slayer #black reader #poc reader #tanjiro kamado #inosuke hashibira #zenitsu agatsuma #tanjiro x reader #inosuke x reader #zenitsu x reader #tanjiro x black reader #inosuke x black reader #zenitsu x black reader #demon slayer x reader #demon slayer x black reader

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jaminjims · 4 years

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found family {imagine}

@catsandstrawberries requests: Hi I have a request. Can you do an ot7 x youngest female 8th member reader maybe late teens (like 17 18ish) maybe fathers day is coming up and reader never had a good relationship with her father or any male in her life (abuse, abondment, trauma, etc) and maybe just a bunch of fluffy and angsty scenarios of her relationship with the boys when they become more like older brothers/father figures to her. Maybe one where she choreographs a dance and shows Hobi and he openly stares how proud Cont. 🐣

He is of her and maybe it just really touches her. Or maybe one where she falls asleep on the couch and one of the boys brings her to her room. And maybe a final angsty one where she tells them how much she loves them and how hard it is to know her own family didnt care about her but the b o us are like, you're wrong, your family does care about you, were your family. Something like that. I really love your writing and hopefully you can write this, if not dont worry, much love! 🐣

a/n: ahh this was the fic i wrote 4.3k words for but then decided i didn’t like it so i started over lmao. i don’t really know why this fic was kinda difficult for me to write but it was still something i enjoyed writing a lot and i’m proud of myself for finishing it! and this is probably one of my favorites that i’ve written if i’m being completely honest. the found family troupe is what i LIVE for and this one literally melts my heart. and of course thank you so so much to the lovely catsandstrawberries for the request! i really enjoyed writing it so i hope you enjoy reading it!

pairing: platonic ot7 x f!reader (reader will refer to the older members as hyung though!)

genre: angsty in the beginning but it turns really fluffy so just hang in there!

warnings: brief mention of child abandonment, child neglect, bad father daughter relationship, loneliness, insomnia, forgetting to eat

words: 6k

[disclaimer: when writing idol aus, i will only be focusing on the struggles of the reader, not of the idols themselves because i don’t personally know what struggles they go through and how they handle them.]

{song(s) i recommend while reading: someone’s someone - monsta x}

~**~

here’s the thing about family: it’s sometimes fickle and sometimes strong

you came from a prestigious family of bankers, except you wouldn’t really call it a family

it was more like relatives tolerating each other more than anything

your mom had left when you were young so you only had faint silhouettes and hollow laughter to remember her by. but that just left the two of you

you and your father

instead the memories you grew up with were of a dad who was cold and controlling and never really around long enough for you to truly feel like he loved you

it was always “y/n you have to look good for the family” “y/n you have to do this for the families reputation” “y/n you have to smile for the media so they think we are a happy family”

the word family was thrown around so much you didn’t think you really knew what it meant anymore

because it was always “y/n you need to do better” “y/n why are you so flawed?” y/n you’re more of a disappointment that a daughter”

never “y/n, i’m proud of you”

it was always what he wanted and never had he asked what you wanted

he never once helped you with your homework, never once had a family meal together

never once said he loved you

you had to instead learn to cook yourself, learn to swim, learn to ride your bike, all by yourself

all things a father should have done, he never did

instead it was all fake laughter and smiles in front of the media and cold stares and loneliness behind closed doors

you used to cry yourself to sleep because of how lonely and lost you felt but now you just opted to barely sleeping at all

and you often forgot to eat because it would just remind you what you could’ve had but didn’t

you also tended to be alone at school because everyone knew of you but no one really knew you

the only thing that really saved you was dancing

it was the only way you could really express yourself without needing words and you found that comforting

it was intimate and deep and it was your raw soul being transmitted through movements

and it was your only reprieve from the fake media, the fake smiles, the fake laughter

and the fake family

so most of your days were spent in a dance studio, choreographing your own pieces and dancing your heart out and it was really the only way you knew how to express yourself

it was when you were fifteen when you had discovered that music companies were hosting auditions and you wanted more than anything to be up on a stage and preform

you had never longed for something more than you did now

but you knew your father would never allow it and maybe that was the thought that pushed you to make the decision of joining

because you knew if you continued to live the way you did now, you would never be enough for him and you were sad and lonely and just tired of faking everything

so if you were always going to be a failure to him then at least you could have fun along the way, right?

so you auditioned to every single company you could and in the end it was only one who had accepted you and for the first time you were really happy

so, so happy that you danced all the way home and cried and for once didn’t pay mind to the eyes looking in

your dad was of course furious when he found out and it hurt that he was so against your dream

but the elation you felt at finally doing something for yourself, with no other reason but because you wanted too, it was something thrilling and if you had known that freedom would feel like this then you would’ve done it a long time ago

but it still stung when he cut you out of his life completely, like you weren’t even there in the first place. like you never existed

cut off all means of financial support. insurance, healthcare, even schooling

all because you didn’t want to be what he wanted you to be

and you cried for the first few nights because this was your conformation. conformation that he really didn’t love you and only saw you as a means to continue his legacy

but you continued on. confidently packing your bags and leaving that place that was never really a home to you

and when you moved into the dorms bighit had for trainee’s, you felt like this, this was your chance. and if you failed, then you would go crawling back to your father and beg for forgiveness like you knew he wanted

you only had one opportunity, and you used it for everything it was worth

you had gotten a part time job, something you wanted to experience because for every other kid it was normal. got to stay out late and dance and sing and just experience things that you had never gotten to do in the confines of your old home

in the confines of your father

and even if you didn’t get to continue your education (which you were greatly distressed about) you were happy because you were doing stuff you wanted

it was when you were eighteen, when you spent two years as a trainee before you got the news that...

you made it

you had made it! you were going to be put in a group! and even if they had already long ago debuted, you were going to show them that you were worth it

you were worth more than what you father had said about you, than what he had planned for you

but with that elation came hesitance

because you were joining a group that was composed of all males, seven of them, and you didn’t have a good experience with any males (well, male) in your life and you would be lying if you said you weren’t even a little bit scared

because you were never good enough for your father, what made them any different? what if you weren’t ever going to be good enough for anyone?

but they were different. they showed you that not every male was going to be like your father, that you were enough and more

when you had first met them, you were a timid little thing because you had previously been sheltered and didn’t really have any friends

you didn’t really know how to open up to anyone because no one ever cared to really try to connect

they were all smiles and politeness and you blushed under their attention because no one really showed an interest in learning about you, not like they had

but you didn’t tell them everything. actually, you didn’t really tell them anything because you were scared that if the found out the truth, they would think you were useless just like your father

so you told them your name, age (which they were surprised about because you were young compared to them), and half truths

about how you were not really close with your family, about how you weren’t really close with any friends

and you expected them to look down on you for your answers but instead they welcomed you with open arms and treated you like they would treat anyone else

and you loved it. loved that they saw you for you instead of just a rich mans daughter

so slowly, you started opening up to them

they treated you like a normal person (a thing which you craved because it was something you never experienced) and they never only pointed out the things you were doing wrong, like your father had

instead they pointed out your flaws and also pointed out what you had excelled at

“y/n, you should turn your body and bend a bit more for that move, but your energy was really good!” “maybe reach a little bit higher for that note? it went a little flat for a second, but your part in the bridge was perfect.”

and it was those comments that you held close and cherished because they pushed you to do better but it was different than than the way your father pushed you

because you refined the things that you could actually fix instead of just thinking everything about yourself was horrible

and maybe it was weird, but you really started to look up to them and that only caused you to work harder so that you would make them proud

but it wasn’t until a late night in the dance studio with jimin that really shifted your relationship with all of them

you couldn’t sleep again (like most nights) and you were dancing to a song that you had choreographed yourself

you slightly overstepped and pushed your body forward by accident and had ended up twisting your ankle

you almost started crying because what if the boys thought you were going to be a hindrance? what if they thought you were a failure for holding them back?

but then the the dance studio door opened and in came walking jimin and you felt yourself shrink in, trying to make your body as small as possible because you were so scared

and it was weird because you never felt this scared when you thought your dad would look down on you and you had only been in the group for two months and you shouldn’t be feeling this attached

and everything was overwhelming and jimin gasped when he spotted you on the floor crying with a bruised ankle

his heart hurt to see you this upset so he quickly walked over and tried to get you to slow your breathing and when his calm and soothing voice reached your ears, you couldn’t help but relax slightly because he didn’t seem to be angry, only worried

and then what he said next had you crying for a whole different reason

“is it ok with you if i look at your ankle?”

he had asked. he had asked if it was something you wanted and that surprisingly meant more to you then it probably should

and once again they proved that they were different than your father because your dad would just do, without any concern to what it might do to you. but they thought about you, about your well being

you found yourself nodding and once he saw you were crying still he creased his eyebrows with worry, “does it hurt that bad?”

you shook your head again and managed to get out, “you aren't mad at me?”

and the world seemed to stop for a second and you held your breathe as you waited for his answer, and when he opened his mouth you got scared that he was actually angry

“you thought i would be mad? of course i’m not, it wasn’t your fault. it’s ok, you’re ok.” and even with your hurt ankle you leaned forward and hugged him because you were so relieved that he didn’t think you were a failure, glad that he still thought you were worth it

and even though he was confused at your reaction, he hugged you back anyway because he wanted to be there for you in any way he could

and your adoration for them only increase since then. you were really starting to feel closer to them and really starting to rely on them

the week your ankle was healing, they made sure to check in every hour to see if everything was ok and it was a little overwhelming at times because you had never been this looked after before and it was new to you

and at least one of them would arrive home from practice early and give you everything you needed

one time when yoongi came back early, he had come into your room and asked if you needed anything and you said no because you didn’t wanna hinder him but then your stomach growled in betrayal and you blushed

he frowned and sat beside you on you’re bed, rubbing the back of his neck, “now, i know that i don’t look like the comforting type, but i’ll still help if you ask.”

and your eyes widened and you shook your head, shooting up in bed because it really wasn’t that you thought he was bad at comforting but it was because you really just forgot to eat again

and that’s what you told him and he frowned for a different reason, “you forget to eat?” and then you would look down in shame because you thought he was disappointed in you

he looked at your lowered head and sighed, lightly bumping shoulders with you, “hey, it’s ok. i’m not mad or anything. just worried.”

and you tentatively looked up at him, hiding behind your hair, “i... just don’t eat that much. reminds me of the things i can’t have.” and then you looked back down

and yoongi thought that his heart broke a little bit because you sounded so small and sad and he was confused as to why but what he did know is that it hurt him to hear and see you like that

he then bumped his shoulder with yours again so you would look up and then he flicked your forehead when you did

and you looked at him with a slightly offended expression while bringing your hand up to touch the spot he flicked and once he saw the look on your face, he smirked a little, “what are you thinking about now?” and you would get this confused look on your face, because why was he asking? “why you flicked me.”

and then he would smile triumphantly, “then it worked.”

and it wouldn’t be till later that you realized that he had gotten you too think about something else so you wouldn’t dwell on the bad memories you had, and you smiled brightly trying to fall asleep that night

but you noticed that they all would start to bring more snacks in their bags whenever they went anywhere and offer them to you and it was hard to say no because you were kinda hungry when you thought about it

and food started to taste a little better when you were around them

and as time passed, they only surprised you more and more with their personalities and you started to really like just being around them, you felt like a better person

and over time you had all grown closer too, up to the point where you would get into petty fights like real siblings (at least you liked to think of it that way, you never had any siblings)

for example, one time you were sitting on the couch scrolling through a phone the company recently got you and here comes jungkook running down the hallway

he then jumps and lands right on top of your sitting figure on the couch and you yell because it scared you and why was he sweaty?

“yah! get off me!” you then would push him on the face but it would get you nowhere because he was quite literally almost twice your size

“no, i don’t wanna.” then he would shrug and pull out his phone while he was crushing you with his body weight and then you would scream out “hyung!” in hopes anyone would hear you and all of them would come running into the room because you never yelled and they thought it was an emergency

but then it would sink in that, that was the first time you had called them hyung and they would get these goofy smiles on their faces (even jungkook, from where he was sitting on top of you) and you would look at them and then realize what you did

you gasped and started apologizing because what if they didn’t want you to call them that? (obliviously not getting the message that they did from their faces alone)

but they would just shoot down your apologies because they would be happy that you finally felt close and comfortable enough to call them that

and jin would walk up and ruffle your hair - well as best he could while jungkook was still sitting on you - and “come help your hyung in the kitchen.” and your smile would be worth more than anything to them and you would push jungkook off of you easily this time while yelling yes

you then stuck your tongue out at him and he made a funny face back that had you giggling

but something was always weighing on your mind, and it was the lack of your education. since your father had cut you off, you had no means on furthering your learning and it was something that really upset you because who couldn’t even complete highschool education? and you were afraid that the other members would be disappointed in you

so you asked manager sejin (which he had grown pretty fond of you over the months) for a computer because you wanted to complete your education online if anything and he was completely behind the idea and backed you up 100 percent

so you started your online learning but you had to admit, it was hard when you didn’t have a teacher to consult things with

and you would get so frustrated because why couldn’t you just get this right? it was simple math! and you were disappointed in yourself because this was a big blow to your ego

you were afraid that the others would would laugh at you but then you thought about how they proved time and time again that they were different than your father and so with that thought in mind you summoned your courage and went to knock on namjoon’s door

he was surprised to see you but smiled anyway and you sat down on his bed with your hair covering your face because you were still embarrassed and they didn’t know that you hadn’t finished highschool

and he saw that you were struggling with what to say so he waited patiently because the last thing he wanted to do was scare you off

and you were grateful for that, so after a few minutes you gathered your thoughts and decided to just plunge right into the conversation, “hyung,” and they still smiled when you called them that, “i’m doing online school and um, was wondering if you could help me? i mean you don’t have to or anything but i just-” and he put a hand over your head to stop your rambling and smiled that dimple smile of his, “of course i’ll help. what do you need me for?”

and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little surprised because it was highschool sophomore math because he thought that you had already graduated highschool but he still was glad to help you anyway

and you could tell he wanted to ask but was hesitant, so you made it easier for him, “i wasn’t able to finish highschool.” and he looked perplexed for a moment but when he took in your sad expression he didn’t say anything more so you quietly added on “i don’t have a relationship with my father so..” and you trailed off and he sighed silently because it was hard for him to wrap his head around why someone would make you so sad, especially if that someone was your father so instead he opted to take your mind off the issue

so he spoke up, “yah, the pythagorean theorem isn’t gonna learn itself.” and so the two of your stayed up and you understood the subject more when he explained it than in any real class you ever had

so, these teaching sessions are almost a daily routine and sometimes it would be the others helping and it became something that you really enjoyed

because no one was ever willing to help you like this

after months of living and knowing them, it was finally the crunch time to get ready for your first comeback with them and you were so nervous

you would stay up later than usual to practice and they would be lying if they said they weren’t a little worried about your lack of sleep but they used to do the same thing before comebacks so they let it slide somewhat

but what they didn’t know was that you were also going to be doing a solo dance performance and you were so scared that no one would like it so you finally crumbled and asked for hobi because you wanted his opinion on your routine

but his reaction to your dance sequence was one you didn’t expect

as you flipped and glided through your choreo, hoseok stared wide eyed at you in wonder because he knew you were an amazing dancer but when it was just you and him in the dance studio, the emotion that you portrayed... it was just an astounding site to see

and when you finished you saw his expression and blushed, hiding your face in your hair because no one had looked at you like that before

“what? was it bad?” and it was a couple more moments before hoseok really gathered his thoughts to put them into words and he just walked over to you and put his hands on your shoulders so you would look at him

“y/n-ah, that was amazing. just everything about it... aish you have me speechless.” and he gave you that hobi heart smile and you couldn’t keep your eyes from tearing up but what he said next really got the waterworks going

“i am so, so proud of you, y/n”

and you openly cried and hearing that sentence from someone you really looked up to was something you never knew you needed and you hugged him so tight and said ‘thank you’ over and over again because you really were

you were so, so thankful

and he carded his hands through your hair because namjoon had told him about you not having a good relationship with your dad and knew this was probably something that meant a lot to you. but he really was so, so proud of you because you had grown so much since being that little timid girl he had met months ago

so you went home and played videogames with everyone and just had a good time so you wouldn’t get to stressed and later when you had finally managed to fall asleep, hobi would gush about your dance to the other members (without knowing you were going to be preforming it soon) and everyone was excited and wanted to see it too

but with hobi’s encouragement came more determination for you to work harder because you were going to amaze everyone if you had anything to say about it

so you started to stay out late to the point where you would come back to the house when everyone else was sleeping and just be so tired that you would fall asleep on the couch, not even making it back to your room

and they would wake up and see you and look at you so fondly because they could see that you were working so hard and could see how badly you wanted everyone to succeed

and it would usually be jungkook who would pick you up and bring you back to your room so you could sleep just a little bit longer

they really were so proud of you

and then it came to your comeback date and you were still so nervous but they’re presences made it better

it was taehyung who came up to you then right before they were supposed to go onto the comeback stage and what he said would always stick with you, “no matter what happens out there, i, we, will always be there for you, no matter what. we will always be proud of you.” and you would tear up and the makeup unnie’s would get angry and push you back down in the makeup chair but they would have this gooey smile on their faces anyway

and your performance went perfectly

it seemed like the audience was just as memorized as hoseok had been when you preformed your solo and army, thrown off by your presence, still accepted you because they could see the bond you had with the boys and how pure it was

and even though some didn’t agree, it was ok because seven other people where proud of you and that’s all you really needed

and then because of the amazing performance the eight of you go out to eat and you all joke and laugh and the food tastes amazing

and you think, this is what a family dinner must feel like

and you almost cry again because this is all you really ever wanted, to be accepted, to be seen for your achievements instead of your flaws

and you've only spent five months together but in those five months, you had grown so close to these people that showed you that you were more than what your father had told you, that you were amazing and perfect in your own way and they would never look down on you for your flaws

you could definitely get used to this

so the next day taehyung took you out on a shopping spree because he wanted to spend time with you and you both basically wrecked havoc in a gucci store trying on everything you could

and he wold tease you when you came out of the dressing room with a size that was way to big for you and you would taunt him back and bicker back and forth

then you both went to the store and got ice cream for everyone and you all set up a fort in the living room and it was easily one of the best days of your life

and after that the eight of you experienced things and created memories together and they showed you what real friends were, what real companionship and love felt like

and before you knew it, fathers day was in two days and you didn’t know what you were going to do, but you still felt like you should do something because father’s day is a day to celebrate the important males in your life

you had never felt like doing something like this when you lived with your actual father, and that spoke volumes to how close you had come to these boys

so on the saturday before the actual day, you tried to wake up as early as you could and get all the ingredients you needed

when you saw that you were missing eggs for the cake that you wanted to make for them, you tried to be as quick as possible so your hyungs wouldn’t be wondering where you went if they woke up

it was the probably the fastest trip you had ever taken but it was all for naught when you walked back through the door

you almost dropped your newly bought eggs when you heard a scream come from the living room and suddenly there were arms wrapping around you in a tight hug

“j-jimin?” was all you could squeak out before a barrage of voices tumbled over each other in efforts to scold you for leaving and not telling at least one of them, if not all of them

“what were you thinking!? you scared me! you scared us!” jin said in your direction, where jimin was still wrapped around you

“yah! we thought you left! or-or got kidnapped!” hoseok’s raised voice was one you decide you didn’t like

once jimin let go, yoongi was quick to envelope you in a hug, “aish. i never wanna wake up to that kind of scare ever again.”

once he pulled away you spotted taehyung and jungkook pouting with their arms crossed sitting on the couch, namjoon fixing you with a serious stare. “promise me you won’t do that again.”

“promise us!” taehyung quickly added in and all you could do was nod because your head was still trying to process what just happened over the span of the last ten seconds

it wasn’t until your pinky was wrapped around jungkook’s in a pinky promise that the situation really set into your head and you lowered your head in shame and embarrassment, “i’m sorry.”

jin sighed and ruffled his hair, “we were just worried. sorry for yelling y/n-ah,” and it warmed you with how protective they were over you and you looked up at him teasingly, “sorry eomma” and jin frowned while you and the maknae line snickered

it was when you got up to finally put the eggs away that jimin pulled you back down to sit beside him, hugging you again, “we worry about you because you’re our yodongseng, y/n-ah” and it was that one sentence that had you all smiley and giggly because that was the first time any of them had called you that, the first time anyone called you that and you were so happy

because they saw you as their little sister and a bond like that was something you hadn’t felt before, and one you would never want to break

“thank you” you whispered as you got up and went to put the eggs away, the boys following after you

“so why did you go to the store?” taehyung said as he looked at all the ingredients littered around the kitchen counters

you gasped and remembered what you were doing and quickly turned around, “all of you, out! go away!” you yelled while physically pushing hoseok and yoongi out the kitchen door

“wha- why?” namjoon got out before almost being pushed over and into a table by jungkook

“surprise!” was all you yelled as you got all of them out of the kitchen but seokjin waited by the door. “hyung, what are you doing?” hoseok questioned. “just wait for it.” was all he said as he started counting down from five. and as he was just about to say one, you popped your head back through the door and shyly asked, “hey jin-hyung, can you help me with something?” and then he looked toward the others and smirked at their bewildered expressions. “i told you. she always asks for me when she needs help in the kitchen, and she always needs help.” you then hit him on the arm, “yah. i’m not that bad.”

then the both of you would enter the kitchen and you would try to explain that you needed to make a cake without really telling him you needed to bake one and it just led to a lot of confusion

in the end you gave up and told him you needed to make one but you didn’t tell him what for, still trying to preserve a least a little bit of surprise

the both of you joked and laughed about useless things while mixing the eggs and milk and flour, making a cake from scratch and the others listened to your banter and smiled among themselves

when the both of you settled down and put the cake in the oven, seokjin called your name, “y/n-ah,” and as soon as you turned around a wad of flour hit you in the face and jin’s windshield wiper laugh echoed out

but that was only the begging

“this is war!” and then all of them came running into the kitchen and the flour that was supposed to hit jin, hit yoongi instead and you could’ve sworn you heard namjoon face plant at one point and then fifteen minutes later everyone was covered in flower and the kitchen was a mess

and you all found yourself sitting on the floor, waiting for when you had to take out the cake. and just being surrounded by all their presences, suddenly got you emotional

“thank you” you said again, for the umpteenth time since you’ve known them. you took a deep breath, “i never got along with my father and-,” you sniffed and they waited for you to finish, jungkook nudging you with his shoulder and taehyung gently holding your hand, “and, all of this, the comfort and compassion you’ve shown me,” tears started to fall from your eyes and hoseok who was sitting across from you leaned over and wiped them off your face, “and i’m really grateful.”

but before they could say anything to that, the oven went off and you took another deep breath and gathered your emotions, once again pushing them out of the kitchen so you could decorate the cake you would show them tomorrow

and while they were sitting in the living room together, waiting for you to finish, they all looked at each other and they could easily say that they would do anything for you because you really were their little sister and they cared about you so much

and while you decorated your cake for them, you thought that a giving them their surprise a day early couldn’t hurt (and you knew one of the maknae line would definitely come and sneak a bite of the treat in the middle of the night)

so you walked out, flour caking your hair and clothes, holding the vanilla frosted cake that said ‘happy father’s day ‘ in purple, messy icing

and oh my god they were so touched they could have cried (and some of them did)

and you stood in front of them, gathering your thoughts and as soon as you saw that jimin was about to say something, you started talking. “so, uh, originally i was going to give you all this tomorrow but i figured that it wouldn’t hurt to give it today. and father’s day is not only to celebrate fathers but to celebrate the important males in your life.” and there you go tearing up again, “and when i was younger, my mom left before i could really remember her, and my dad, he-” tears fell and you wiped them, “aish, i’m crying.” then you giggled and their hearts were simultaneously breaking and filling up at the same time. “he was never a father to me, so i never knew what it felt like to have one, to have a family. and it hurt everyday to think that no one in my family wanted me.” god you were a wreck and your words were coming out blurred now. “but then i came here-”

and before you could get out anymore there were seven pairs of arms wrapping themselves around you and your burrowed your head into the chest of nearest person (which happened to be yoongi)

“that’s not true y/n” namjoon murmured and for a second you were confused because why would he say that about your situation? but then he continued, “we will always, always, want you in our lives. we are your family. and always will be.” and you were full on sobbing and so were they

and all you could get out was a sloppy, sobbed filled: “i love you” but they understood perfectly

“we love you too, y/n” and that was the single best moment in your life.

and then perhaps the next day you did anything they asked of you which led to the younger ones being scolded about how you weren’t their maid but then you would get up and get what they asked for anyway because this was their day

and the bickering, the love, and even the fights you would have sometimes, it would all be worth it in the end if it led you back to them

[end]

end note: oh. my. god. i’m not crying, you are. the ending? when i was writing the flour scene? PLEASE I WAS SOBBING. this is one of the fics that i am most proud of and i really didn’t mean to make it this long, but here i am. i hope everyone has an amazing father’s day, and you get to celebrate it the way you want to! everyone reading this (and those who aren’t) deserve happiness, no matter who you are. and you are more then what people say about you. i love you guys to the moon and back, make sure you stay safe! (and as always, sorry for any spelling errors!)

~**~

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viriyanon · 3 years

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epilogue (pt. 2)

part 1 | part 2

after gathering so much energy i finally post the 2nd part. and this will be about our love fool, chief phupha viriyanon and how i learn a lot from him.

p.s this completely does have nothing to do with me being an earth stan, yes

to be honest, i dont really have anything to say about episode 10 due to my lack of experience in intense romantic affair. im not sure about the feeling of getting reciprocated so i can only enjoy phupha tian being two fools in love lmao. also, being a tomboy with 5, 6 male friends constantly surrounding me and taking different roles in my life is already enough for me so... romance is kinda my weakness.

since the beginning of this drama, i immediately felt connected more to phupha. at first, i didn’t know that their age gap was pretty far but then i learned about it and i thought, oh my that’s why. phupha is an old soul. i am also an old soul.

everything else just followed after the realization. the way phupha behaved towards a stranger who, additionally, was a supposed rich brat that would just drain his energy, the way he acted cool and tough as to assert his dominance over a newcomer but still panicked and immediately jumped into the frigid waterfall when someone he’s responsible for was not in his line of sight. phupha who couldn’t stand injustice. phupha who gave hard times and provoked tian all the time just to test his persistence, phupha who only gave his best smile and utmost attention to someone he cared about, phupha whose heart was actually soft and vulnerable because tian was his first in everything related to love and when his trust was broken, he scrambled back to build the thick-walled tower without stopping because he feared the only thing he had in life would be taken or destroyed, phupha who couldn’t admit what his heart really wanted and needed someone to fish it out of him. phupha who was ever forgiving and wise, phupha who in fact wanted a life companion and was a hopeless romantic, phupha who wanted the best for the love of his life even if it means sacrificing his happiness and risking his own safety if necessary.

phupha who was a guardian more than a lover and an older figure.

phupha is somehow everything that i am and will be in the future, therefore, my writings are mostly about him whose characteristic was not disclosed as explicitly as tian because it is a form of reflection. and yes, i know i took phupha’s side all the time, even when people were disappointed by his impulsivity. because i understand that feelings, to the point that i so was upset watching ep 8. i thought, “this is what i will do when im faced the same thing and maybe even worse but dude, it’s not right. ur supposed to be rational.” and i was stuck in confusion.

the existence of phupha makes me realize a lot about myself. that i’ve been so cold and reticent towards my own feelings and desire. if i allow myself to give no fck about what others will say about my decision without jeopardizing them, to put what i want to do instead of what i supposed to do on top of every consideration, maybe i’d find a peace of mind. maybe, i won’t be so fearful about failure and heartbreak and dissatisfaction in life. maybe, if i say what i exactly want, i will get exactly what i want. my thought indeed materializes.

also remember when torfun said that maybe phupha hadn’t found someone he loved so much when phupha said he didn’t want to see his partner in agony because he saw his mother cried when his dad passed away. at that moment, a thought instantly flashed in my mind. ah, so it is real. when you really love someone, you will try your best to survive and not die in some random places because you don’t want to be the cause of their sadness. you can’t be the reason of their tears and agony. and it’s what phupha hadn’t achieved, as well as me. maybe a reason to live is not only about an achievement. it can be as simple as someone’s existence or someone else’s happiness. but i can’t testify this yet. just, yet.

furthermore, i learn from phupha that i need a partner who can break me out of my boring routine and the said fortress, crack a smile on my face too by acting cute. someone who gives little surprises everyday, not presents but little things like their way of thinking, their reaction towards a situation, their story. someone who will ask me repeatedly if i really want this or that. someone who is sassy and daring yet loves to be taken care of. because phupha (and i)’s no. 1 love language is acts of service and if it’s not met, he simply won’t be satisfied and will feel jittery and uncomfortable for not proving something to his partner.

never in my life, would i learn deeper about love language if it’s not because of phupha.

to conclude, yes i talked too much about phupha it’s like exposing myself to the whole atots hypemen. im annoyingly attached to him, i know. but phupha’s appearance is so groundbreaking in my whole history of watching dramas. he’s so realistic, so grounded to the facts of existence, so straightforward, and it made him skeptical. but that didn’t mean he couldn’t and wouldn’t learn to change for a better of his life. when he finally opened up to change, he found a light. his own star. someone that he would want to see every night and day indefinitely.

im not tearing up writing this but aye sarunchana singing in the background really gets me into the mood. im reminded of so many dynamics in atots, how a thai drama that i side-eyed most of the time can make me feel again. not only towards my cold love life but also my regard to life.

#phupha #atots #a tale of thousand stars #1000stars #phupha you will forever be in my memory #thank you earth for bringing him to life

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radiorenjun · 4 years

Text

do ignore i just wanna rant bout my teacher hehe. have a great day!

SiR WE DONT CARE IF YOUR ZOOM ISNT POINTING TO YOUR FACE, IF YOU DO SO WE DONT GIVE A SINGLE DAMN FUCK. WE DONT CARE WE HAVE 0 EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS TO TEACHERS BECAUSE WHATS THE POINT WHEN WE’RE GOING TO GRADUATE NEXT YEAR AND FORGET BOUT EACH OTHER WHEN WE’RE OFF TO COLLEGE.

FOR FUCKS SAKES I GET THAT YOU’RE COMPLAINING BECAUSE WE DIDN’T SAY THANK YOU WHEN YOU SENT US OUR REPORT CARDS, THATS ON US, THATS UNDERSTANDABLE BECAUSE ITS BASIC MANNERS AND WE WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE IF WE DIDNT HAVE ANXIETY THAT YOU’RE GOING TO YELL AT US. BUT COMPLAINING BOUT US LYING BOUT OUR SHITTY WIFI CONNECTION?

YOU DO REALISE THAT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS USING WIFI FOR SCHOOL RIGHT? MY WIFI WENT DOWN FOR TWO DAYS YESTERDAY AFTER SCHOOL BECAUSE IT BROKE DOWN ON ME AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT IF I WAS STILL IN CLASS, NONE OF THE TEACHERS WOULD BELIEVE US. YOU’RE TELLING US TO TELL THE TRUTH BOUT OUR CONNECTIONS? WE DID TELL THE TRUTH, YOU JUST WONT BELIEVE US.

WE JUST BREATHED STOP COMPLAINING BOUT SOMETHING SO MINOR, WE AREN’T COMPLAINING BOUT OUR PERSONAL ISSUES WITH THE CLASS WITH YOU TOO ARE WE? “STOP REBELLING” WE AREN’T REBELLING WE JUST GIVE LESS OF A FUCK BOUT SCHOOL SINCE QUARANTINE. PLUS WHY WOULD WE WANNA INTERACT WHEN WE ALL DESPISE EACH OTHER.

“IVE BEEN HOLDING MYSELF BACK BOUT THIS ISSUE FOR A WHILE” OH YEAH? WE’LL I’VE BEEN HOLDING MYSELF BACK FROM SNAPPING AT RUDE TEACHERS FOR YEARS, BUT YOU DONT SEE ME OR MY CLASSMATES COMPLAINING ABOUT IT? WE DIDNT ASK TO GET ZOOM CLASSES, WE DIDNT ASK TO HAVE SHITTY WIFI, WE DIDNT ASK TO BE IN THE SAME CLASS AS THE PEOPLE WE DESPISE

LMFAO YOU’RE COMPARING US TO OUR UNDERCLASSMEN BECAUSE THEY’RE WAY MORE POLITE THAN US? PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY’RE HAPPIER MENTALLY THAN WE ARE, PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T SEEN HOW SHITTY THIS SCHOOL IS. PROBABLY BECAUSE THE TEACHERS DIDN’T CONSTANTLY YELL AND INSULT THEM FOR REASONS WE DIDNT DO WRONG

*AGGRESIVELY THROWS A BOX OF PANTYLINERS*

WE GET IT YOU’RE TIRED OF TEACHING US BUT WE’RE TIRED OF DOING THIS TOO YAKNOW. WE’RE TIRED OF BEING STUCK AT HOME TOO YAKNOW. YOU’RE NOT THE ONE DOING AN ENDLESS PILE OF ASSIGNMENTS AND MONTHLY EXAMS FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING A BRIGHT FUTURE AS WE TRY TO KEEP OURSELVES TOGETHER

“I, AS A TEACHER, DIDN’T SLEEP LAST NIGHT YOU KNOW.” SOME OF US HAVE INSOMNIA?? YOU THINK WE SLEEP? HELL IM NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE NAPS NOW ANYMORE BECAUSE OF IT. WE’RE TIRED OF BEING CONSTANTLY REMINDED OF HOW MUCH WE FAILED BOTH YOU, OURSELVES AND EVERYONE AROUND US SINCE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, WE G E T IT .

“iF yOu’rE BEiNg SIlENt DUrinG cLaSs, TheN yOu’RE GoING To FaiL beiNg A cItiZEN iN thiS cOUNTry” WELL THEN THATS OUR PROBLEM ISNT IT?? YOU DON’T HAVE TO RUB IT IN. MOST OF US ARE ALREADY GRATEFUL ENOUGH TO LIVE THIS LONG, LAOSHI. “Maybe you aren’t embarrassed of yourselves, but as a Laoshi, i am incredibly embarrassed of you,’ GEE THANKS, TELL ME MORE WOULDJA I THINK I NEED MORE VALIDATION OF HOW MUCH OF A FAILURE I AM

“tAlk. you guys talked during mandarin week didnt you? TALK”

(mandarin week is this annual thing my school has to celebrate Lunar New Years where every class from every grade has to perform something in mandarin)

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHY ARE TEACHERS COMPARING US TO THE MANDARIN WEEK PERFORMANCE WHEN THE WHOLE SCHOOL JUST SCREENSHARED THEIR OWN CLASS VIDEOS? WE DIDN’T SAY SHIT. WE DON’T CARE IF YOU JUST SEND US VIDEOS OF YOUR EXPLANATION REGARDING A CERTAIN SUBJECT, WE DONT CARE IF YOU ANGLE YOUR CAMERA AWAY FROM YOUR FACE. AND WE CERTAINLY DONT CARE BOUT HOW OUR JUNIORS ARE BETTER THAN US

THIS ISNT SOME MY LITTLE PONY TYPA SHIT, WE AINT GONNA SETTLE OUR DIFFERENCES AND STOP HATING EACH OTHER AND POWER UP IN THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP TO SET UP A BETTER EXAMPLE FOR OUR JUNIORS. HELL, IF OUR JUNIORS ARE BETTER THAN US THEN THEY SHOULD KNOW THAT THEY SHOULDNT BE LIKE US.

OH MY GOD IM GOING TO FUCKING THROW MY PRECIOUS POT OF YELLOW CARNATIONS OUT OF THE BALCONY FOR FUCKS SAKES IM SO M A D

#tenshi speaks #long ass rants you can just scroll #delete when i calmed down a bit lol #god i miss eighth grade #things were better then

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msjr0119 · 4 years

Text

A Second Chance

Prologue

Book: The Royal Romance

Series Pairings: Liam x Riley (Flashbacks), Drake x Hana (Flashbacks), Drake x Riley (Present Time- Friendship?).

*All characters belong to Pixelberry apart from Bethany Hughes-Rhys*

Please do not read this series if you are under 18 or if you are affected by any of the below trigger warnings. By doing so, you are consenting that you are over 18.

Warnings: Mention of suicide (past tense), Grief, Depression, Mention of two characters death. Slight adult language.

A/N: So this is a follow up to my ‘Hold On’ series. I was really confused when @kacie-0156 requested for me to do this as she is a Liam Stan. I still don’t understand 🤷‍♀️ but I’ll try my best! Thank you Kacie for the moodboard that you have provided. 💕❤️ The series takes part over two decades after ‘Hold On’ finished.

Song Inspiration: One Sweet Day, Mariah Carey Ft Boyz II Men

Word Count: 3,200

Tags, off the top of my head- as always if you want to be removed/added don’t hestitate in asking me: @pedudley @kacie-0156 @annekebbphotography @yukinagato2012 @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @kimmiedoo5 @bascmve01 @kingliam2019 @texaskitten30 @lodberg @cmestrella @axwalker @hopefulmoonobject @notoriouscs @rafasgirl23415 @walker7519 @drakewalker04

*****

It had been six months since that day. The day that the Queen of Cordonia realised that her fairytale life had been snatched away from her in an instant. Today was the first day in which she had made an effort with her appearance. Upon her arrival she could sense that all her friends were eager to pounce on her, demanding to know that she was okay. Interrogate her. Keeping that stoic expression, she avoided conversations with her close friends- instead just remained civil with her children and people such as Francesco. Keeping a speech minimal, she thanked everyone for coming before returning to her quarters. Alone. This had been a common occurrence- keeping herself guarded. Not allowing anyone to break down the walls that she had built up.

Jackson noticed that his Auntie had been specifically quiet since that day six months ago. Walking over towards Princess Ayah and Prince Louis, they both smiled softly - however provided sorrow in their eyes.

“Is your Mom okay?” Ayah shook her head. Not really knowing how to explain the mask that Riley was wearing to hide her true feelings.

“She’s not coping, Jackson. I’m scared that she’s going to do something stupid. Before we existed, she tried to end her life in New York. My Father didn’t want to tell us about it, but he did one night to explain how much of a fighter our Mom is. She isn’t talking to anyone apart from us and her Godchildren. Whenever any of her friends try to talk to her, she shuns them away. Maybe Uncle Drake could try and talk to her again? Because you know....” Jackson didn’t need Ayah to continue that sentence, he knew full well what she was about to say.

“I’ll go and mention it to him. Don’t worry about Aunt Ri. She has everyone here, supporting her.” Kissing the Princess on the cheek, he scrutinised the room for his father. Jackson Walker adored his ‘cousins’ and ‘Auntie’- even though they wasn’t blood, he felt as if they were.

******

“Brooks....” Feeling like this was a waste of time, Drake decided that the best option was to walk away, as she wasn’t responding. Jackson placed a comforting hand onto his father’s shoulder, suggesting that Drake should leave. Feeling like a failure, to Ayah who believed that they would get her Mom to open up to them- Jackson decided to try himself. Listening to his son’s advise, Drake left in a swift motion- frustrated that he couldn’t persuade her to come out of her hovel and just talk.

“Aunt Ri?” Jackson said softly as he knocked on the door. Riley knew she was being stubborn whenever a visitor would knock on the door- but for some reason she could never ignore her children, or her friends children.

“Jackson.” Smiling at his Auntie, he pulled her in for a tight hug. “What can I do for you?”

“Have a walk? Or just a little talk with me? We all miss you, and we want to help you through it. Dad just wants to help too. You could help each other?”

“You’re only twenty one Jackson, you should be out with your friends- enjoying life. Don’t take a minute for granted. You should be living each day as if it’s your last.” Listening to her words, he knew what she was referring to. His heart sunk, the usual poised Queen stood in front of him was absolutely broken even if she tried to conceal it. “I miss him so much Jackson, and I miss your Mom too. Each day that goes by, doesn’t get any easier. I need to be strong for Ayah, Louis and Ellie but truth be told- they are so much stronger than I am.”

“Aunt Ri, everything will get better in time. Uncle Liam loved you- as did my Mom. They would both want you to be happy, being the strong woman that you are. Please don’t stay up here on your own. If you need anything, dont hesistate to let anyone know. Whether that’s to watch a film, or to go for a cronut, a walk in the maze? It’s Dad’s birthday party tomorrow night- fifty. The old fart. It would be good to see you there. Ayah is going with Louis, El, Uncle Leo and Aunt Beth.”

“I’ll see how I feel. Thank you for the talk Jackson. You remind me so much of your Mom, caring- thinking about everyone.”

“Shame I look like my Dad then.” Riley laughed as the young man winked at her. “I love you, Aunt Ri.”

*****

Drake woke up the following morning, not really in the mood to celebrate his fiftieth birthday. However he knew that he needed to make the effort. Mainly due to the blood, sweat and guts that Maxwell had put in to organising it. It had been six months since he had said goodbye to his wife and best friend- the King. The traumatic events from that night still haunted him- the grief was still lingering every second of each day that went by. But what was also breaking his heart was how Riley was coping with the loss of her husband and her friend. Ever since the funeral, the Queen had ignored her friends, barely acknowledged their existence- keeping herself to herself.

Making himself look presentable, he headed over to Ramsford with Jackson.

*****

“Speech, speech, speech....” Maxwell shouted, peer pressuring Drake to make a speech. The last speech was the eulogy he spoke at Hana’s funeral. He wasn’t confident when it came to speaking in front of crowds, but he believed the sooner he did it the sooner it would be over and done with.

“Well what can I say? I’m an old man now. I’d like to thank you all for coming today, drinking whiskey in honour of me... you all know me too well. I know it’s been six months, they say that time gets easier but it really doesn’t. I wish that three other people could be here by my side celebrating this milestone with me; my wife Hana, my best friend Liam and our Queen.” Lifting his tumbler of whiskey up into the air, the others followed suit. Drake closed his eyes for a brief second, imagining the happier times with Liam, Riley and Hana- imagining that this was just some awful nightmare that he couldn’t escape or wake up from. But no this was reality. He had lost his best friend and wife to a successful assassination. Opening his eyes, the room was mute- all eyes focusing towards the doorway.

“Brooks?” Riley raised her drink in to the air as she smiled softly towards him. Placing the empty glass on the table next to her, she turned around and headed towards the balcony needing a bit of fresh air. Following her, he just wanted to make sure that she was okay- that she was coping. Even though he knew that she wasn’t. He never imagined that she would turn up, due to her personality recently.

“Hey.” Drake nervously said, as he watched her staring up to the starry sky- her eyes fixated on the brightest one.

“Hey, old man. Happy birthday!”

“Less with the old man cheeky... you’ll be catching up soon...”

“Maybe, but you’ll still be older than me. I got you a present, I wasn’t sure if I was coming or not- it’s too predictable but I’m sure you’ll make use of it.” Handing him the bag, he shook his head whilst laughing. “I’m far too predictable, I’m going to be turning into whiskey with the amount that people have bought me. Thank you, Riley.”

“No need to thank me. Enjoy the rest of your party.”

“Are you leaving?”

“I’m going to mingle with everyone, I’ve not been myself- hiding away from everyone. Seen as though I’ve made the effort, I may as well make the most of it.” Drake smiled at her. Their past was complicated to say the least- but they had put that behind them. But now he felt the need to protect her, something that he didn’t do when they was together- he owed it to himself as well as to Liam.

“It’s good to see you out and about. If you need anything- just let me know.”

“I just need my friends and children. Which I already have. I needed my husband. I still do. I miss him so much.”

“So do I. You’re not alone. I miss Hana, I know you do too. You have myself and Jackson, your children- who aren’t children anymore. You know what I mean. Leo, Beth, the Beaumont’s, Liv.”

*****

Jackson, Ayah, Louis and Ellie all walked towards the balcony- Jackson put his arm in front of them all to prevent them going any further, noticing that his Dad and Aunt was too close.

“And what are you all doing?”

“Aunt Liv! You made us jump.” Ayah said, as she tried to catch her breath.

“Oh hell no.” Leo commented as he joined in spying on Drake and Riley. “Do you think they are going to grieve together and do more?”

“Uncle Leo! That’s our Mom and our Uncle that you’re talking about.”

“Oh kids, they were together well before they married their spouses. They were even due to have a baby until this jerk called Nate beat myself and Riley to a pulp.” Shrugging his shoulders, the young adults looked at other confused as to why this was such a big secret kept from them.

*****

“I know I have you all. I am grateful for that.” Pulling her closer to him, he held her in his embrace. Hearing her whimpers, and feeling the tears drip onto him- his grip became tight. Not in a hurtful way, more of a protective type of way.

“You are an amazing Queen, you are doing a fabulous job.”

“I’m stepping down, Drake. Louis is taking over from me.”

“Louis? Ayah is the Crown Princess. She’s the eldest.”

“History is repeating itself. She abdicated from her duties last week. Louis’s social season begins at the end of the week.”

“You’re putting him through a social season. Jesus Brooks why?”

“He decided it, not me. I didn’t want my children to go through what Liam- What we all went through. I can’t rule without Liam, and I’m not remarrying. Don’t tell anyone that I told you, I’m going to do a statement. I can trust you, right? You’re one of my closest friends.” What we went through. The social season of hell.

“Of course you can trust me.” Cupping her cheeks, he said this with sincerity surrounding his eyes.

“I.. I should go.” Kissing her softly on the cheek, she inhaled sharply. Her heart began to flutter, Drake wasn’t Liam- but having someone this close to her for the first time in months felt unusual. Someone who she loved once upon a time.

“Look after yourself, Brooks. We are all here for you. Always.”

****

Riley did Drake’s usual trick throughout the party- ‘people watching’. She had some conversations with her friends but kept it minimal. The common questions and phrases spoken in these conversations included Liam. Deep down she knew that it was good to talk about him, but for her it was still so raw.

Maxwell bounded up towards her, very intoxicated. “Your majesty. You look absolutely beautiful. I’ve missed you.”

“Thank you. I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry.”

“Blossom, don’t apologise.”

“I have to. I haven’t been myself since I - we lost Liam. And Hana.”

“Come on, lets get out of here for a bit...” Holding his hand out towards her, she remained standing dormant.

“I’m actually going to head to Valtoria.”

“Stay here. You still have a room here. It’s yours...” Pausing for a second, she couldn’t help but smile at the man stood in front of her with the goofy smile. “How is Drake coping?” Maxwell was unsure as to why she asked this.

“Erm, he has a few quiet days. The therapy is helping him though. He blames himself for what happened that night... but you know Drake, he always wears that scowl to cover his true emotions. I know you’ve probably heard this a million times, but Liam and Hana wouldn’t want either of you to be unhappy. A little birdy told me that Louis is beginning a social season. Why didn’t you tell me? I’d have supported you!”

“DRAKE TOLD YOU?” Not realising how loud she was, Drake made his way over to them. Wondering why his name was mentioned. Wondering why Riley’s quiet tone of voice had raised all of a sudden.

“No, Louis did. Drake knew?”

“I knew what? Brooks, are you okay?”

“About Louis becoming King... I assumed you told Max. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” The two men pulled her in for a hug, as she eventually broke down uncontrollably crying. “Don’t apologise blossom. For anything.” Maxwell whispered.

“I’m going to go to my room. Thank you for inviting me, both of you.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” After Maxwell asked this, Drake decided to leave the two of them. Before he could escape, Riley grabbed his hand- forcing him to turn to face her.

“Drake?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk upstairs? Alone. I have realised that I should talk to someone. Someone who is going through the same emotions... I won’t keep you for too long, it’s your party. I just feel if I don’t do this now, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it.”

“Of course we can talk. For as long as you need to.” The friends all overheard Riley’s request including her children. All smiling softly, knowing that this was the first step she was taking to get out of the depression. To grieve with some support. To move on from her husbands death but to keep his memory alive. Baby steps.

****

Drake sat down on the edge of the bed as Riley poured him a whiskey.

“Who’d have imagined we’d have been here, in this situation. Didn’t Kiara and Nate put us through enough shit?” Laughing nervously, she wasn’t sure how to begin this difficult conversation.

“But that shit, led us both to begin families with our loved ones. You have to think of it that way..”

“True.” There was an awkward silence due to Riley’s lack of response.

“Why have you been avoiding us all?” Not wanting to sound harsh, but he needed to know. Deep down he had an inkling as to why. He just needed this confirmation, so everybody could help in the best possible way.

“I couldn’t cope. I lost the love of my life unexpectedly. Seeing you all reminded me of him. I’d go to bed, holding my wedding photo- snuggling into Liam’s clothes. It still hasn’t sunk in. I’m so sorry that I’ve ignored you all...”

“We understand, we had just hoped that you would have let us help you. I’ve been the same. If it wasn’t for those morons downstairs, I think I’d have drunk whiskey all day every day to blank the pain.. we both loved Liam and Hana, and they both loved us dearly.” In sync, the two of them briefly closed their eyes- images of their spouses flashing through their mind.

“Louis suggested starting the social season to keep my mind off of things. But it’s just going to bring memories back. Of us. Of everybody.”

“It may be a good thing? We are all going to support you both.” Snuggling close to him, she felt his arm go around her waist. “Why did Ayah abdicate?”

“She’s... she’s... oh god, Drake... this is so embarrassing...”

“What?”

“She’s her father’s double. Insisting that she doesn’t want a political marriage, that she wants to marry for love. Ayah started a relationship with.....” Drake’s brain began functioning. His first thought was his son, Jackson. If it was Jackson, he knew that people would criticise her choice- due to his commoner blood that ran through his veins.

“Who?” He eventually questioned, not quite knowing if he wanted to hear the answer or not.

“Theo...” Riley shrugged her shoulders as his jaw practically hit the floor.

“You’re having me on... aren’t you?”

“No. I wish I was... honestly... I’m hoping it’s just a fling. But you can’t help who you fall in love with.” Looking down towards the floor, she bit her lip as she was referring to him. Referring to their past. Hoping that he wouldn’t realise.

“No you can’t help who you fall in love with..” Pausing, he decided to make a joke out of it. “You know if he hurts her- her Uncle’s won’t hold back. I’m pretty sure Liam’s spirit won’t either.”

“None of you will touch him. I’ll beat you all to it!” Providing that infamous cocky smirk, Drake shook his head- he hadn’t seen it painted on her face in what seemed like an eternity. Caressing her cheek, they both locked eyes.

“Of course you will... it’s good to see you smile.”

“I agree. Thank you. I should let you get back to your party.”

“I’m ready for bed, I can’t hack it anymore. I’m not a spring chicken anymore.” Standing up, he mimicked walking with an invisible walking stick- causing her to throw her head back laughing.

“No, you’re an old grumpy marshmallow now.”

“Queen bossy pants. Night, Brooks.” Turning to leave, it was a brief conversation- a conversation that everyone had wanted to start with all those months ago. Finally she had opened up, even if it wasn’t much. Hoping that this was the first move to gaining closure on Liam’s death.

“Drake, wait!”

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Thank you for the talk.”

“No worries. You know where to find me or any of us for that matter. I love you, Ri.”

“I love you, too.”

****

Once Drake had left, she got under the duvet- making a quick phone call. As soon as the voicemail message began, tears ran down her cheek like a waterfall. Unable to stop.

Hello. You have reached Liam, but I am unavailable at the moment. Sorry for my beautiful wife, my Queen- giggling in the background. If you need me, leave a message and I’ll get back to you soon.

Even though she was crying, she still managed to let out a little laugh- this was his personal phone for his friends, but now it was a regular call she made on a daily basis.

“Hey, handsome. It’s me again. The giggling wife. I’ve actually laughed for the first time today, Drake the old man turned fifty. Of course he was drinking whiskey. I know I say this everytime I ring you, but I miss you so fucking much Li. I love you so much. My biggest regret was not telling you that the day you left us. So I’m making up for it now. Now it's too late to hold you 'Cause you've flown away. But that doesn’t stop my imagination from believing that you are here. Never had I imagined living without your smile, and I know you're shining down on me from heaven. I hope you and Hana are celebrating up there. I know eventually we'll be together. One sweet day. Until we meet again. I love you, my King.”

#tw: death #tw: grief #tw: adult language #tw: depression #liam x riley #drake x riley #maxwell beaumont #olivia nevrakis #leo rhys #trr #trr hold on #trr a second chance

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flesh-into--gear · 4 years

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whenever I see my lgbt dudes on here posting things about modern lgbt shows, movies, music, etc, I always begin to feel kinda like a failure as a trans/lgbt person. I haven't seen any of these things. I'm barely immersed in the lgbt culture at all; most of it that I know is all either from my birth-through-early-teen years, which really only consists of the middle of the riot grrrl movement which was the early 90s, and whatever misguided but extremely important at the time (read: Will and Grace, Xena was on the way out by the time I was able to watch it and this was before you could really just watch reruns whenever you wanted) was on television later.

(I really can't tell you what Will and Grace secretly meant to me, as a young teen, in a time when that was pretty much the only show that didn't have lgbt people specifically as a punchline in a straight narrative. even when I didn't understand what I was feeling. sure, it's dated now and it definitely has its issues, but the context of the media environment at the time was so abysmally straight and mocking of lgbt people... you had to be there to understand it I guess.)

I didn't have the exposure to a lot of that stuff. I only had cursory exposure to the RG movement; I only recently started digging back into that after playing Gone Home which made me bawl like a baby and being reminded that that was around the time I was born.

I'm so happy that all of you now have so many artists and pieces of media to watch and listen and read and enjoy. and I say you guys because for some reason, despite being a trans person, I... have a really hard time actively getting into anything lgbt centric that isn't music, nor do I really seek it out. and I think it's because I'm scared of what that means for me.

because I still feel like an outsider. I still feel like an imposter, despite the fact I've been on estrogen and blockers for three months now, and all my friends and select family know that I'm trans. a part of me... I spent many, many years being completely emotionally and mentally shut off, in a severe depression, and was suicidal. I knew I didn't feel normal. I didn't know what I was. I knew I felt nothing. and would often say "if I could chose, I would have been born a girl." I didn't know what that meant. I grew up in a small backwater ass rural southern town in Virginia. "trans" wasn't even anything I knew was a thing until I was 19 at college. and that sent me spiraling even further. because I didn't know if that was me, but I knew it felt right and I knew people would hate me because of it. especially all of my friends at the time, save for two. and so I pushed it back down and forgot about it, but it kept getting harder and harder to hold back.

I spent another five years actively closeting myself because I didn't feel like I deserved it, like I didn't belong there either. like I was making it up. basically just reinforcing a lot of the things I hadn't necessarily been told, but had been suggested to me with other events in my life that we won't get into here. and when I finally came out to myself and my friend who would eventually become my partner, I had a full on break. and when I came out to my sister, I had another full on break. I'm awful at doing anything that benefits me, another byproduct of my upbringing, and this to me was so hugely personal, clearly I couldn't deserve it and I was just faking it for attention. I was an ugly bearded hairy dude who is still (some of it is coming back) losing his hair. I would never be a "real" girl nor did I deserve to be because of it. it was selfish and stupid and I should just keep being a boy like I was told when me putting on my sister's recital costumes started getting a little weird once I wasn't 5.

I've been on tumblr since 2010, when I was 18. off and on sometimes, but overall, consistently on since 2010. and this site was my first true exposure to my community. and who I was as a person. and so I started looking into it on here. finding trans people (which was kinda hard at the time still?), and a lot of lgbt people. and it was kinda like coming home. I discovered myself here, really. I did. and that's stupid to say, but this was my first real exposure to who I was. and I still felt like an imposter, despite what every bone in my body was screaming at me.

and so cut to current me, sitting in a bathtub, extremely hormonal, watching @rozecrest (I'm so glad you made that post on antipollenkids letting people know you switched, thank you! I hadn't seen you post anything and I was hoping nothing had happened to you) and @ezurad and @numawaffle and so many others on my feed posting these modern pieces of media that I would have killed to have had when I was younger. I kinda wonder if I would be different if I had had them, but that's another thing for another day.

and despite you guys constantly posting all of these amazing things I love reading and seeing, I still feel undeserving of consuming them. I also get hyper-emotional, and stuff tends to stick with me months after. I still have only partially recovered from Gone Home because that hit so personally and that was six months ago. dont even get me started on "just a phase". and I don't know if any of that is problematic, I'm too out of the loop on that because I'm from the before-times but hoo did it shoot me right through my poor heart because that really was it. and in that respect I'm also terrified of it. because I know what it means for me. I'm 28, but I still have a good 14 years worth of untapped, stunted emotional development to go through because I didn't have a support network or parents willing to talk about things like that then.

I guess I'm just afraid that by diving in head first, I'm going to traumatize myself. I'm scared of the emotions and the weight that come with things like Moonlight. I'm scared of what it'll make me feel and what really it'll do to me. because I'm still extremely emotionally compromised because of my laundry list of mental health issues, and I still feel like an imposter in my own skin.

I don't know what the point of this was, but it felt weirdly cathartic to write out.

if anyone has any.... lighter? lgbt media recs please give them to me because I really am desperate for some. maybe get myself adjusted to actually allowing myself to feel emotion again. maybe it'll help me regain a piece of what I lost when I was suicidal.

also: I really want to say this. I see all of you in your own skin, fiercely defiant and unafraid of who you are and what you feel, and I just want you guys to know that that makes me so immeasurably happy and proud. I know I don't know really any of you, but I'm proud of you and I hope you all never lose that.

#i grew up around a time when it was still mostly only the braver that came out publicly #and a lot of this is dealing with internalized emotions and upbringing in a church #its difficult being an older late bloomer who never had context for this #t

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grlfriends · 4 years

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revolutionary girl utena review

ep 1-5

the plot is actually kinda different from what I thought ?? in my mind the plot was: utena was a girl in a princess school who each and every princess would be "conquered" (for a lack of better words rn) in a ceremonial duel by a prince who fancied them, maybe she didnt wanna wanna marry anyone or she liked Anthy already but anyway in my mind utena showed up in the ceremony with duel clothing and then, in a very brave tm like-scene, she would openly declare she refused to be conquered by anyone and tbh I'm not even sure how Anthy would come into the plot... but back into what actually happened in the episodes everything so far is very introductory and just showing what mechanics will be explored further down the line I think?? the op is really good too

also every boy so far reminds me so much of knights of the zodiac?? maybe it's just the design I guess...) and nanami can get these hands, jealousy is a disease and she's the sickest person on earth for all I know

dont ask me why bit I just feel like room of mirrors - gfriend has a very well fitting vibe for it but I'm not exactly sure why hm.... 🤔🤔

ep 6-12

ok so why does this school just have random animals around 😐 I could understand the horse but a bull and a kangaroo?? what ...

touga just says the most random dramatic things and then just casually says anyone who believes in friendship is a fool ?? the guy wouldnt last a day in the naruto universe tbh, he kinda irks me in some way but I'm not sure why so I'll live with this strange feeling for a while I guess

↳ okay so watching ep 10 made me especially kinda creeped out, I know I've watched only 10 eps so far but like can he fall downstairs and break a neck or something already ...

also haha what if I watched that bet on it fmv and gave myself a bunch of spoilers would that be funny or what 😍 this is why i cant have nice things yall.... hope my memory goes to shit when sleep so I dont remember about it this week while I finish it

I feel like the main thing on the episodes are parallels, one way or another I always feel like they're setting up parallels and giving me clues for a bigger picture and a deeper plot arc that is still to come and the bet on it fmv just made this impression stronger, also I wanna say it's done in a good way, one that is both mysterious (??) and "honey you've got a big storm coming" at the same time 🤔🤔 much to think about honestly

↳ just saw ep 11 and even though I already knew this was coming sooner or later it still felt like crap seeing utena lose to dick head, at the end of the episode when he says anthy was always just reflecting utena's own wishes for himemiya (in another way bc I dont remenber the exact words) it felt like 😐 bc yes I knew that (the way she was working her thoughts was simply a copy and paste of what utena was saying) at all time I kept those essays about anthy in my head, I dont think theyll be truly relatable to what I'm seeing rn but yeah anthy rights (even though I know you betray/cheat on utena down the line bc of the bet on it fmv but I'm sure you had your own motivation)

↳ saw ep 12 bc I just couldnt handle being in a cliffhanger and yeah it happened what I absolutely thought it would lmao not that it was that difficult to foresee but yeah, I kinda liked how utena did it for her instead of being like "oh I wanna save anthy from touga" and treating her like a damsel in distress (I know that's kinda her position as the rose bride for what I've been told so far and that this is a subject spoken about in many many essays on tumblr but yeah) bc so far she's been treated as a trophy and a way to get something else, for the green haired guy it was a way to see something eternal, for miki it was a way to hold on into his "shining thing" and for touga it seems (so far) like a way to manipulate (just like he does with nanami) and just mark his position as above everyone else as he seems to view himself?? man I might be saying random stuff rn but it kinda does makes sense in my mind with the information I've had to this point

ep 13-25

honestly 😐😐 through 9 whole episodes I felt like they were trying to make the side characters deeper and show their hidden face and motivations but it felt so shallow...... not even actually shallow, just not deep enough that it would make me care about these characters and the fact there was no actual build to showing us why we're getting to know these characters backgrounds was just kinda meh too, didnt really help that all episodes had all the same formula and the same timing just for the developers made in those episodes be forgotten at the end and also just that pink haired guy could be like "ah failure again", it felt like watching the same episode over and over again, it was really tiring and like?? girl help I do not care about these characters at all, I feel like it could have been done well (like the keiko ep in comparison to the furuba chapter that deals with the yuki appreciation (??) club president graduating.... the way this ep was done and setup didn't really bring me any emotions) overall not to my taste and tbh I feel like I could have skipped all those episodes except for maybe the miki and juri one so 😑

all nanami focused episodes are the worst so far, she's so boring and I cant stand now annoying she is, the diary episode?? the cow episode?? the episode when tsuwabiki fuels with utena?? honestly I know they're trying to show me a better and different side of her but it just doesnt!! work!! bc i feel no sympathy for her, my biggest wish rn is her and touga just disappearing and no more filler episodes🗣🗣

I thought akio was utena's prince?? but apparently he's just anthy's brother and like.. I'm do done with his little talks with utena and yadda yadda, I just wanna see their duel is that too much to ask I'm dying over here (if this lenga lenga continues until ep 25 i will be so mad bc why were so many episodes wasted on such boring and and not necessary side characters backstories?? idc about them at all man aaaaaaaaaa)

↳ ep 25 was good finally we got what we deserve boys 😭😭😭😭😭 can utena just beat up akio already I'm tired of his ass, he exhales both "I'm a feminist I even take women studies classes #herstory" and "if she breathes she's a thot" energy also he has 0 style that mullet is simply horrible I bet there's a hairstylist community who considers him a criminal bc like 😐 it is simply so bad (q bit less when it's tied up but when it's all lose jesus Christ)

also touga thinks he's suuuuch a genius, sooo smart like king, I do not care about you at all can you shut the fuck up please and can we tall about the pink haired guy episode?? wack. honestly thought it would be more emotional or something, I binge watched 12 episodes with his ugly haircut face and did not even feel a thing he can choke I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ANTHY TAKING A SWORD OUT OF UTENA'S CHEST??? OSCAR WORTHY KINGS❗❗❗and then her lame ass brother being like "oh ho ho idk idk" shut up no one cares no one cares I swear to you no one cares shut uuuuup

ep 25-39

first of all, ep 25 was good but kinda reminded me of the nine episodes (13 until 21) where absolutely nothing interesting happened so I hope I'm wrong also can I just say just seeing the preview of the next episode made me roll my eyes so bad I almsot saw my brain?? bc yeah I'm fucking tired of nanami fosuced episodes she's so annoying oh my god nobody cares about a goddamn egg and much less one coming from her let her die or something pls she's so annoying there's nothing I've learned about her that was not against my own will I'm basically rotting over here 🤒

↳ ep 30 has me thinking Akio has a foot fetish or something 😐 bruh leave utena aloooooone I already know your plans and schemes you're not fooling anyone that's embarrassing for u and also... utena you're not very bright are you.... you start seeing every duelist you face with the same exact car and then when you see akio has the same car you didnt even stop to think about it that 1+1 equals 2 ... girl help yourself 😐

↳ yet again another nanami focused ep 😐😐😐😐😐 even though I do understand her better now I still don't find her particularly enjoyable to watch, call me a woman hater but like. idk she's still a bit annoying to me (but touga is straight up evil and is manipulating her so I feel bad for feeling like that tho.....)

↳ ok last 2 eps to go but listen. I thought the akio duel would have happened much sooner, maybe on ep 33 max but well didn't this age well lmao ngl, it did seem a bit too slow paced for my personal taste but also I feel like there's a certain level of drama that comes with slowing the pace down....

↳ aaaaaa yall I'm kinda 😢😭 over the ending omg........... even though it took the best of me to keep going in some parts I still enjoyed the ending aaaaa I thought i wouldnt really like it bc I just usually dont enjoy this type of ending but stil 😢😢😢😢 wait for me utena 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 girl I cried and then anthy walking in the end god utena and anthy holding hands 😭😭😭😭 akio can suck my dick

there's obviously many things I've missed or that I kinda didnt really pay attendance to so please dont take this serious, I was just writing as I watched the episodes so it's more like a thought compilation than anything, still I can see why there's many essays written about it and why it is held as a masterpiece by so many people

#g.txt

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theworldsoul · 4 years

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Sorry guys, I'm gonna vent Again, so if you don't want to read it just feel free to skip this post

Okay so basically we have a Gecko. Don't ask, that's another story for another time. My dad has grown fond of it, and I used to think he was cool until a specific day. On that say I fed him worms with a tweezer. When I picked them up, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL THEIR PAIN. I dont really know what happened there, but I physically felt their pain and i squeezed them. My dad said, "squeeze harder, do it by the head", and i tried it and i felt a jolt of pain... I told myself "you are just imagining the pain, its okay" but then when I looked back at the worm, squirming and struggling... I connected some dots in my brain and this hard realization came upon me, that I was causing this poor creature pain. I began to cry and my dad had to feed the gecko that day. Ever since then I havent interacted with the gecko because every time I do it freaks me out a bit. I dont really understand what happened that time but I want to forget about it before I go near the gecko again. I've been trying to get closer to him but I always freak out.

So today I was on my computer, right? Drinking a tea. Trying to feel peaceful. Then all of a sudden my dad is there, all happy with the gecko, and I go "oh hi!!!" Because I am under the impression that the gecko will stay ON HIS HAND. Of course I'm wrong. My dad encourages him to go onto the table to see me. I EXPECT the gecko to walk onto the table and towards me, but TO MY SURPRSISE, the gecko basically jumpscares me by suddenly jumping from his hand onto and nearby watterbottle. I jump a bit, startled, and I spill tea all over my computer, the table, and my sleeve. As I'm processing what happened I'm overtaken by fear and I begin to cry.

Of course I'm fine and I'm just overreacting, but I was scared. I wasnt hurt, my computer mousepad barely works now but I wasnt hurt. So why was I so scared of a little gecko? I dont know. So I'm crying and trying to clean up the mess of tea everywhere and my dad is mad at me for spilling my tea and he asks why I did that and I tell him that I was scared since it jumped so suddenly, yknow I wasnt expecting it. I dont remeber his exact words but it was soemthing about me being 15, like "oh well since you're 15 now you should grow the fuck up" basically. Then he left. Like???? I am literally trying to get my breathing back to a normal pace because I'm SCARED, I was just JUMPSCARED, and you get MAD AT ME??? YOUR CHILD IS FUCKING SCARED AND YOU JUST LEAVE THEM?? the whole time I was cleaning I could hear him in the other room talking to the gecko, all carefree and happy... while I did my best not to cry. Damn okay. It almost made me feel like I was below human.

Usually this wouldnt be such a big fucking deal, but I'm an emotional person. And also I notice that,,, whenever my sister is scared they lunge at the chance to help her feel safe again. It's like they hate me specifically.

I know I'm making a big deal out of something that is really not a big deal. Really all that happened was a little gecko jumped and I got scared. I'm overdoing it. But that's just how I am now. I really don't want to believe that I'm broken or anything, but fuck i think i genuinely am messed up if stupid shit like this makes me freak out... reminder that this all began with EMPATHIZING WITH A FUCKING MEALWORM. I'm jsut so fucking broken. And in the moments I was left alone to console myself as quietly as possible so as not to make anyone angry, I felt my body become possessed with another soul.

This happens sometimes, where I will sorta have the mindset of a child. I force it sometimes to cope, but other times it happens on it's own whenever I feel unloved or otherwise bad like this. I'm not too sure if this is a normal thing. But I describe it as possession. The fact that that event made me get possessed is kinda a big deal. Usually that only happens at REALLY BAD THINGS.

But this wasn't really bad... I'm just being sensitive and overdoing it.

Honestly my parents are right... I really do need to grow up. But I think I have something wrong with me, with my brain, because there are just so many things about this story that are so... wrong. Like, what sort of person freaks out and cries for an hour because they got jumpscared? What sort of person then has their body SWITCH SOULS because they feel like their parents dont love them? WHAT SORT OF PERSON EMPATHIZES WITH A WORM??? it's all so weird. Like, who knows, maybe my parents arent that bad, maybe I'm just like... weird. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm making such a big deal out of it... but I cant help it. That's just my emotions.

Shit, I should really get a therapist. All the ones I've been to so far tell me my emotional reactions are totally normal but THIS DOESNT SEEM FUCKING NORMAL TO ME. I've overreacted to shit my whole life. It's not. Helpful.

On another note, I notice that my crying doesnt induce a "concern" reaction in my father. It induces an "anger" reaction. They arent bad people, I just... I'm beginning to think they really fucking hate me.

They have all the reaosn to, but a lot of those reasons are things that couldve been fixed early on if the adults around me cared about my feelings enough to try to sort them out. It's been fifteen years and now I'm fucked up. Irreversible. Just. So.. so fuckinf damaged. I dont think I'll ever be normal. And I hate ft. But it cant happen.

Soemtimes I think it was a bad idea to choose to live after the party. It was the perfect time to die and I told myself no, dont do it. It was... perfect. Calling to me. I think it was my destiny to die that day. I think that now I am cursed since I dodged my destiny.

I try not to think that way. I tell myself that I am going to change so much. I tell myself that my passion will be my strength. But the way my life is going, it really doesnt feel like I will become anything good.

I'm failing my classes. They KNOW about my soul shifting. I cry too much. All I ever do is draw STUPID FUCKING DRAWINGS and play STUPID FUCKING MUSIC and play fashion designer in my room stitching things up... fucking hell. They're right to hate me. I'm a failure. But they're also wrong to hate me. A lot of the things they dont like about me are things that are THEIR FAULT.

Man, I dont even know what to think anymore. All I really ever wanted was their love. But it's impossible for me to get it now, so I should just forget about it. I cant though. It plagues me. The thought that they hate me. It hurts me. And when its confirmed to me... i'm sorry. All I ever do is complain about the most mundane bullshit ever. My parents are proabbly actually good people I'm just overdoing it because I'm I'm proabbly mentally ill or soemthing. And I'm a failure anyways so I cant fucking blame them for not liking me that much anwyays. God, fifteen is very old. And I'm a boy. I hate to say it but they're right. Fuck, they're right. I cant be crying... I'm so oversensitive. But wait, why am I trying so hard to justify their ideas? ITS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY CONDEMNING THEIR ACTIONS. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY. goddamn it...

I dont know how I'm gonna fix this though. I kinda wish my parents would treat me with the softness that I NEED, that my mind NEEDS and has needed for a while now, but I know that wont happen and really I'm just this overgrown child thing and oh fuck I wonder who's fault that is??? Cos it isn't all on me. Oh shit, now I'm scared. If I get a bad mark on my test my parents will freak out. I think I'm going to cry again. Fuck man, I try my hardest, it's just I'm literally defective. I cant do any better. I've been set up to fail anyways. Fuck. I just... I dont know, I wish things were different.

This is stupid and I'm being stupid and freaking out over one little thing. Fuck.

#sorry lol #im kinda overdoing it #feel free to tell me how dumb im being #because i know im #being irrational

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mostlysignssomeportents · 5 years

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Pluralistic: 21 Mar 2020 (Cool Tools, scientists predict cooperation, Don't Look for the Helpers, after the crisis, a people's bailout, judge vs unicorns, Marc Davis's Haunted Mansion)

Today's links

My appearance on Cool Tools: My favorite gadgets.

UK emergency science panel predicts mass altruism: Reality has a well-known collectivist bias.

Don't Look for the Helpers: The text version of my essay for the new Nightvale anxiety podcast.

After the crisis, a program for transformative change: Pandemic reveals the systems' failures, and what to do about them.

Pandemic stimulus, realpolitik edition: Stephanie Kelton and AOC on a people's bailout.

Beautiful judicial snark: "No, your unicorn trademark is not an emergency."

Marc Davis's Haunted Mansion: What if Marc Davis had sole control over the ride's design?

This day in history: 2005, 2010, 2015, 2019

Colophon: Recent publications, current writing projects, upcoming appearances, current reading

My appearance on Cool Tools (permalink)

This week, I appear on the Cool Tools podcast to discuss my favorite, most indispensible gadgets and services and why I love them.

https://kk.org/cooltools/cory-doctorow-science-fiction-author/

My top picks were my Crkt Snap-Lock knife – a one-handed-opening, lightweight, super versatile pocket knife that I carry everywhere.

https://www.crkt.com/snap-lock.html

I also chose my Chinese OEM underwater MP3 player. I swim every day for my chronic pain maintenance and this is how I make it bearable, getting through 1-2 audiobooks/month.

https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00GWV6GUO/cooltoolsshow-20

My third choice was Libro.fm, the DRM-free, indie-bookseller friendly way to listen to audiobooks. Basically the same catalog as Audible, at the same price, the only difference being that buying from them supports neighborhood booksellers, not Amazon.

It was a really fun! @Frauenfelder and @kevin2kelly are super smart about gadgets.

Here's the MP3:

http://tracking.feedpress.it/link/7810/13374488/779800513-cool-tools-218-cory-doctorow.mp3

UK emergency science panel predicts mass altruism (permalink)

SAGE is the UK Government's Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies. This is their hour to shine.

They have just published a spectacular, plain-language set of technical reports on the pandemic.

https://www.gov.uk/government/groups/scientific-advisory-group-for-emergencies-sage-coronavirus-covid-19-response

This is the most interesting: "on risk of public disorder."

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/873736/08-spi-b-return-on-risk-of-public-disorder.pdf

The expert panel affirms the conclusions of Rebecca Solnit in her indispensable book "A Paradise Built in Hell," a closely researched history of disasters that finds that they are the moment in which people spring to the aid of their neighbors.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2009/10/05/a-paradise-built-in-hell

SAGE's expert panel on disasters: "large scale rioting is unlikely. It is rarely seen in these circumstances. Acts of altruism will predominate, and HMG could readily promote and guide these."

"Where public disorder occurs, it is usually triggered by perceptions about the Government's response, rather than the nature of the epidemic. A perception that Government response strategies are not effective in looking after the public may lead to an increase in tensions."

"Promote a sense of collectivism: All messaging should reinforce a sense of community, that 'we are all in this together.'"

For decades, Britain has been poisoned by Margaret Thatcher's sociopathic maxim, "There is no such thing as society."

It turns out that reality (and pandemics) has a well-known collectivist bias.

Don't Look for the Helpers (permalink)

I wrote a short essay about how I'm coping with The Current Situation for Our Plague Year, a new podcast from Joseph Fink of Welcome to Nightvale, called "Don't Look for the Helpers".

https://pluralistic.net/2020/03/17/pluralistic-17-mar-2020/#ourplagueyear

Today, PM Press published the essay in a new digital collection, "All We Have Is Each Other."

https://www.pmpress.org/blog/category/blog/all-we-have-is-each-other/

"Assuming things will break down does not make you a dystopian. Engineers who design systems on the assumption that nothing could go wrong aren't utopians, they're idiots who kill people. 'Nothing could go wrong' is why there weren't enough lifeboats on the fucking Titanic."

"Every disaster ends with mutual aid. By definition. That's the only way a disaster can end: with people pulling together. If there's one lesson to take from Mad Max, it's that pulling apart only deepens the crisis, and the it will not end until we pull together."

"I've been telling stories of humanity rising to crisis for decades. Now I'm telling them to myself. I hope you'll keep that story in mind today, as plutocrats are seeking to weaponize narratives to turn our crisis into a self-serving catastrophe."

https://www.pmpress.org/blog/2020/03/19/dont-look-for-the-helpers-by-cory-doctorow/

After the crisis, a program for transformative change (permalink)

The Current Situation has revealed deep cracks in our system: replacing public transit with gig economy drivers who don't get health care or sick leave; the gig economy itself; the lethal inadequacy of private-sector broadband and private-sector health-care, and beyond.

The fact that we can simply abolish data-caps (without networks falling over) and the liquid ban (without planes blowing up) reveals that these supposed existential threats were, in fact, arbitrary, authoritarian, rent-seeking bullshit.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/03/14/masque-of-the-red-death/#security-theater

The people who've spent 40 years convincing us that we're just not free-marketing hard enough continue to insist that all of these problems are merely the result of not having fully dismantled the state (so much for "state capacity libertarianism"):

https://www.bloomberg.com/opinion/articles/2020-03-20/coronavirus-killed-the-progressive-left

They're licking their chops for a 2008-style reboot: eviscerating public services, immiserating workers, fattening plutes and dissolving regulatory safeguards.

It's a playbook developed by Milton Friedman: the scheme to have "ideas lying around" when crisis strikes.

But as Naomi Klein reminds us, the Shock Doctrine cuts both ways. The manifest failures of plutocracy in the Great Depression got us the New Deal and the "30 Glorious Years" of shared prosperity and growth.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/03/17/pluralistic-17-mar-2020/#disaster-socialism

We haven't been idle since 2008. We have "ideas lying around" too. Ideas for a just and resilient society that reorients human life around sustainable and just practices. Motherboard's editorial staff gives us a manifesto for that society, so that this crisis doesn't go to waste:

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/wxekvw/the-world-after-coronavirus-healthcare-labor-climate-internet

Free and universal healthcare ("healthcare is a basic human right" -B. Sanders)

Abolish ICE and prisons ("ICE is now a public health hazard")

Protect and empower labor ("Without these protections, everyone's safety and health is put at risk")

A healthier climate ("If the 2008-09 financial crash is any indicator, carbon could shoot right back up as soon as the crisis is over")

Fast, accessible broadband ("Community owned/operated broadband networks, long demonized and even prohibited by law are looking better than ever")

Smash the surveillance state ("This pandemic mustn't be used to infringe on the civil liberties and privacy of millions")

Billionaire wealth ("They're sending people to work while jetting off to luxurious doomsday bunkers, getting Covid-19 tests while normal people can't, and also singing 'Imagine' from bucolic getaways.")

Public transit that works ("Congress is poised to prioritize bailing out airlines and the cruise industry before it takes a look at public transit")

The right to repair ("Right-to-repair has become a matter of life and death.")

Science for the people ("We were caught flat-footed by a fixation on 'innovation' and lack of public options")

The future will not be like the past. Whether it is worse or better is our choice to make. It is in our (well-scrubbed) hands.

(Image: Jolove55, CC BY)

Pandemic stimulus, realpolitik edition (permalink)

I've been thinking a lot about what a covid stimulus package could and should look like, and what the possible failure modes and transformative changes could be. Obviously, there's real risk of inflation if handled wrong, because production has halted, so more money could end up chasing fewer goods. That gets ugly quick.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/03/18/diy-tp/#covid-stimulus

Then there's the risk that we just infuse trillions of no-strings-attached dollars into the finance sector, who use it to make our society even more brittle and unstable by hollowing out reeling companies and grinding down brutalized workers.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/03/19/gb-whatsapp/#peoples-bailout

Writing about this stuff in public makes a lot of Twitter people with "investor" in their bios very, very angry. They want giant bailouts for the companies they own stocks in, not transformative change. They use the neolib tactic of throwing out a lot of jargon to instil a sense of your technical illiteracy. Complexity is a con-artist's go-to tactic, after all – it's why proposition bets are so complicated, so you can't do the odds in your head (see also: craps tables).

But not every economist believes that sociopathy is pareto optimal. Leading lights like Stephanie Kelton, the mother of Modern Monetary Theory, who can go toe-to-toe with oligarch-apologists from the Chicago School, explaining how public debt really works.

Kelton and AOC appeared on this week's Deconstructed podcast with Mehdi Hasan to discuss the true scale of the bailout that will be needed (far more than $1T) to get the economy working again. That number can come down (by lowering working peoples' outgoings through rent/mortgage/student loan holidays, etc). But the lesson of 2008 is that to be credible, stimulus must be transparent and aimed at the public good, not the donor-class.

https://theintercept.com/2020/03/20/deconstructed-podcast-alexandria-ocasio-cortez-coronavirus-economy/

https://dcs.megaphone.fm/FLM7803427023.mp3

Otherwise, Congress risks having its hands tied: it might inject an inadequate and corrupt stimulus that benefits its cronies, then be unable to follow that on with a people's bailout that would help us all.

AOC: "Look at this kind of trash pile of legislation the Republicans have just introduced. I've never seen such a thing in my life of, we're going to give the neediest people less. And we're going to give people who are you know, need help but don't need as much help more."

Kelton: "What people mean when they say, you know, oh, Senator Sanders, you want Medicare for All or you want to make public colleges and universities tuition free, you want to cancel student debt, how are you going to pay for it? Where is the money going to come from? What that means in beltway speak is how are you going to offset all of that spending with new revenue from somewhere else, or by spending less in defense or some other category, the budget?"

"When you do a piece of legislation that's 'paid for,' it means you're putting the 50 billion in and it goes to some parts of the economy, and you're taking 50 billion out of some other parts of the economy so that you're not deficit spending."

"We've been so badly educated to respond to deficits as something that's fiscally irresponsible, reckless. It isn't. The government is committing to dropping dollars into the economy without ripping them right back out again. It's exactly what we want them to do right now."

Kelton's work on Modern Monetary Theory is transformative. Her lectures present both a powerful descriptive account of how money works in the economy and a prescriptive account of how we can use that knowledge to make a better, more prosperous world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WS9nP-BKa3M

She has a new book about this coming in June, The Deficit Myth. This would be a good time to pre-order it. These are scary times for writers with books about to come out (signed, I have three new books out in 2020).

https://stephaniekelton.com/book/

Beautiful judicial snark (permalink)

As Ken "Popehat" White is fond of reminding us, no one snarks quite like a federal judge. And despite being a Trump appointee, Steven C Seeger manages to rip off a couple zingers in this ruling.

http://loweringthebar.net/2020/03/unicorn-case-not-an-emergency.htm

At issue: Art Ask Agency is upset that someone is counterfeiting their unicorn-logo merch, such as this unicorn-scented candle:

https://artaskagency.com/our-licenses/anne-stokes/unicorn-candle/

But Illinois is in covid lockdown, so its case against a bunch of John Doe (alleged) counterfeiters is on hold. Their lawyer has sent a string of motions to the court asking for an emergency hearing so they can proceed, despite the fact that the court clerks are operating on reduced staff and only dealing with matters of the utmost urgency.

The judge is Not Impressed: "At worst, Defendant might sell a few more counterfeit products in the meantime. But Plaintiff makes no showing about anticipated loss of sales. One wonders if fake fantasy products are experiencing brisk sales at the moment."

The judge takes notice of the time a telephonic hearing would consume, "especially given the girth of the Plaintiff's filings."

"Plaintiff argues that it will suffer an 'irreparable injury' if this court does not put a stop to the infringing unicorns and knock-off elves."

"The world is facing a real emergency. Plaintiff is not."

(Image: Karen Neoh, CC BY)

Marc Davis's Haunted Mansion (permalink)

Along with Passport to Dreams Old and New, the Long Forgotten Blog is the best source of information on the history, design, and evolution of Disney theme-parks.

https://passport2dreams.blogspot.com/

But Long Forgotten focuses on a single ride, the glorious, brilliant Haunted Mansion.

The history of the Haunted Mansion was completely upended in late 2019, when Christopher Merritt published his "Marc Davis in His Own Words," a two-volume compendium of journals and interviews with the legendary Imagineer, who was Merritt's mentor.

https://books.disney.com/book/marc-davis-in-his-own-words/

This is probably the best book of Disney/theme-park history ever published, and that's no surprise, as Merritt has already written the definitive history of Knott's Berry Farm:

https://www.angelcitypress.com/collections/authors-christopher-merritt

And Pacific Ocean Park:

https://www.yesterland.com/pacificoceanpark.html

Merritt is an Imagineer, an artist, and a historian, who has direct, lifelong connections with the original Imagineering team. He has unparalleled access, inside knowledge and perspective. So yeah, that is a fucking great book.

Marc Davis was the best character designer in the original Imagineer cohort: he created the Country Bears, the Pirates, and the Haunted Mansion ghosts. He was a spectacular visual gag master, too. And he was one of the (many) legendary Imagineers who had a hand in designing the Haunted Mansion. That ride had so many different iterations, drafts, plans and schemes, and the final product is so wonderful in part because of their remnants.

But Davis actually designed a full-on Haunted Mansion attraction, from start to finish, and those plans are kicking around. Based on those, Long Forgotten has created a narrative account of what it would be like to tour "Marc Davis's Haunted Mansion."

https://longforgottenhauntedmansion.blogspot.com/2020/03/marc-daviss-haunted-mansion.htm

It's…interesting. Davis had some really fun ideas like meeting up with a talking bust (or raven).

And there are great gags (Davis designed the "three-part" stretching portraits, after all).

I mean. this would have been so freaking boss.

But the real meat is something called "The Most Dangerous Ghost":

"The final picture is perhaps behind black drapes which raise as the ghost host calls out attention to it. As the drapes part we see a painting that has everything in it except a figure. There is perhaps a vague image where the figure should be. The ghost host reacts in a frightened manner. He explains that this is terrible because this is the most dangerous ghost in the mansion. When he climbs out of his picture he mingles with the guests until he has turned one of them into a ghost. He describes the ghost's appearance and its omnipotent powers. He suggests again that everyone should stay in a tight group; this evil ghost loves to pick off stragglers. He suggests that the group be wary of sliding panels, gusts of cold air and etc."

Long Forgotten: "The MDG character undercuts the intellectually sloppy notion that all Davis cared about was making the HM funny."

LF goes on to make a good case that Davis wanted to incorporate many of Rolly Crump's gorgeous "Museum of the Weird" designs into his Mansion.

Davis's seance room seems to flirt with MDG some more: "The presence of the villain ghost makes itself felt and these older retired ghosts are frightened. Whatever we have used to indicate the nearness of the villain ghost would be repeated here."

Davis once planned for a Mansion filled with "working class ghosts" (carpenters, soldiers, boxers, etc). The only ones that survived were the coachmen in the graveyard sequence.

And his bride sequence was very explicit about wedding-night murders, culminating with MDG manifesting amid the guests: "He starts a wild mocking laugh. It clouds up outside. The curtains blow inward. It starts to rain along with thunder and lightning. "Outside we see a figure take form and it moves into the room. The rain comes into the room with the figure and a pool of water forms around its feet."

This is gorgeously scary, but as Long Forgotten points out, it has little re-play value (similar to Tomororwland's Alien Encounter): "The gag about the Ghost Host revealing himself as the Most Dangerous Ghost has the obvious disadvantage that it can surprise you only once. Pretty soon everyone knows the 'secret,' and as its usefulness as a genuine shock or scare tactic fades its status as pure camp inevitably increases."

That all said, "We learn what we should already know but sometimes forget: Marc Davis was never an imperious, one-man show. He was a team player. He interacted creatively with the work already done by previous Imagineers, displaying in this outline nothing but respect for what was good in what they had done."

This day in history (permalink)

#15yrsago Disney busts amateur Disneyland tour guide https://web.archive.org/web/20050323133504/http://jimhillmedia.com/mb/articles/showarticle.php?ID=1356

#10yrsago James Randi is gay http://archive.randi.org/site/index.php/swift-blog/914-how-to-say-it.html

#5yrsago Windows 10 announcement: certified hardware can lock out competing OSes https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2015/03/windows-10-to-make-the-secure-boot-alt-os-lock-out-a-reality/

#1yrago Two arrested for hiding cameras in motel rooms and charging for access to livestreams https://edition.cnn.com/2019/03/20/asia/south-korea-hotel-spy-cam-intl/index.html

Colophon (permalink)

Today's top sources: Ok børge (https://twitter.com/forteller), Beyond the Beyond (http://www.wired.com/category/beyond_the_beyond/).

Currently writing: I've just finished rewrites on a short story, "The Canadian Miracle," for MIT Tech Review. It's a story set in the world of my next novel, "The Lost Cause," a post-GND novel about truth and reconciliation. I've also just completed "Baby Twitter," a piece of design fiction also set in The Lost Cause's prehistory, for a British think-tank. I'm getting geared up to start work on the novel next.

Currently reading: Just started Lauren Beukes's forthcoming Afterland: it's Y the Last Man plus plus, and two chapters in, it's amazeballs. Last month, I finished Andrea Bernstein's "American Oligarchs"; it's a magnificent history of the Kushner and Trump families, showing how they cheated, stole and lied their way into power. I'm getting really into Anna Weiner's memoir about tech, "Uncanny Valley." I just loaded Matt Stoller's "Goliath" onto my underwater MP3 player and I'm listening to it as I swim laps.

Latest podcast: The Masque of the Red Death and Punch Brothers Punch https://craphound.com/podcast/2020/03/16/the-masque-of-the-red-death-and-punch-brothers-punch/

Upcoming books: "Poesy the Monster Slayer" (Jul 2020), a picture book about monsters, bedtime, gender, and kicking ass. Pre-order here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781626723627?utm_source=socialmedia&utm_medium=socialpost&utm_term=na-poesycorypreorder&utm_content=na-preorder-buynow&utm_campaign=9781626723627

(we're having a launch for it in Burbank on July 11 at Dark Delicacies and you can get me AND Poesy to sign it and Dark Del will ship it to the monster kids in your life in time for the release date).

"Attack Surface": The third Little Brother book, Oct 20, 2020. https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250757531

"Little Brother/Homeland": A reissue omnibus edition with a new introduction by Edward Snowden: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250774583

#pluralistic

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