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hadesoftheladies · 7 days

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Victim Blaming

Hoping I can keep this brief, but I have a habit of being thorough to a fault, lmao. Anyway, yesterday I had an unpleasant conversation with a radblr user who's online presence I have largely enjoyed at least, up until this point. She was frustrated with one of my posts, one where i joked about certain experiences i had with choice feminists.

She is referencing this post of mine in particular as an example of my victim blaming: (15) nearly all women who date men do so as a form of ritualized masochism: the lifeblood of female gendered socialization – @hadesoftheladies on Tumblr

I was, of course, upset at this, but I got curious as to whether or not the words I used in this post could qualify as victim blaming. I had this disquiet in me, which I usually have when a concept in my head is ambiguous and I'm struggling to define it. I want to draw a line somewhere because clarity is my one true love. So I did a little research on the general term.

First off, victim blaming is a term used in sexual assault/violence cases. That subject is the soil from which this notion of victim blaming grew into what we know it as today. FUNDAMENTALLY, victim blaming is when a victim of sexual violence is held responsible (either partially or entirely) for what happened to them. (Please keep that in mind.)

According to this article, victim blaming stems from several places:

-a desire to distance oneself from the possibility of being victimized

-a lack of empathy

-fundamental attribution error (FOA) which is the refusal to analyze external factors in favour of putting all the responsibility of the abuse on the victim

Also important to note, is that the end result of victim blaming usually results in the victim feeling ashamed or guilty for what happened to them.

Moving on, in the post this user provided as an example of me victim blaming, there's a note somewhere down there where another user called "eldopism" mentions a Lundy Bancroft quote about how victims need far more support than judgement, and how I shouldn't be making myself out to be a victim for something a man did to someone else.

maslows-pyramid-scheme also informed me that there were certain radblr users that had discussed this trend of me victim blaming straight women, so I think this serious accusation warrants a very fair and thorough response and I will use the above information on victim blaming to criticize this specific post i made about women who date men.

#1. Have I Blamed Straight Women for The Evil Men Have Done To Them?

In the above excerpt, I am drawing up a profile of a woman who is informed and not currently in a domestic hostage situation. The examples I provide are all of women I know who are unmarried and dating. One example I use is of a woman who was almost raped.

I talk about these women as active agents or "adults." They are capable of making decisions, perceiving threats, and are aware of the situations they've been in. I explicitly state that I feel anger at them, which DOES NOT MEAN I am ONLY angry at them. It is only that this anger at them is the focus of the post.

Now at a glance, anyone would say, "Yeah, this is victim blaming. You are clearly angry at a woman for almost getting raped." And I think in this case, I am partly to blame for not providing more context to that specific story.

At the point of writing this very emotional rant, the woman who was almost raped had gone BACK to flirt and talk with the very same man. When she told me what had happened, I was angry at him and horrified, but when I heard she'd gone back, that was when my anger extended to her. Both before and after the encounter, I and other mutual women in this circle, had discouraged her from fraternizing with him. This man was not attractive, neither did we find him particularly charming. They were not long-term friends and did not have any prior connections. He was a stranger that had no stake in her life. She had told us that leading up to that moment, she had not communicated what she'd wanted. Honestly, even now, I'm not too sure what was going through her head during all this and the sequence of events aren't adding up in my mind.

What I DO know is that he attempted to penetrate her without her consent and she froze as a fear response. Knowing that she found this potentially traumatizing, I wondered why on earth she went back to flirt with him days later and then continuously went on to put herself in escalating vulnerable positions with other strangers.

So, victim blaming is when I would blame this woman for being nearly raped, but that's not what I'm doing. I'm angry at this woman for disregarding this traumatizing experience. Consistently, even in the other stories, my anger is about women's decisions to re-expose themselves to predators POST victimization. Not about the victimization itself. I am not asking "what did you do to provoke him" but "why are you doing this again after what he did?"

I hope you can see the difference in both questions.

#2. Why Does She Do That?

The central theme of this post is the latter question: why the fuck are you going back? And please note, these are explicitly NOT domestic violence cases. These aren't women who live with these men or who's economic livelihoods depend on these men. These are important distinctions.

Of course, being well acquainted with theory, I know that none of our decisions are made in a vacuum. In many of my posts and also in this particular post, I acknowledge these external factors, which is why I called this cycle of "ritualized masochism" part of gendered socialization. I am explicitly acknowledging that this is a systemic issue that affects an individual's psychology, hence, interpersonal relationships. Literally in the first sentence. So I have not committed an FOA.

In this post, I also highlight the difference between me and women who make this issue out to be solely a matter of the moral failing or lack of resilience from these kinds of women. An inevitability that is better to just wash one's hands of. I DO NOT think flippantly abandoning these women to their self-destructive behaviour or acting smug about it is the right response.

#3. People That Love People Will Grieve

This post is PRIMARILY an expression of personal grief. When our loved ones are suffering or are hurt or are lost, we will, of course, feel personally affected. It is HEALTHY and IMPERATIVE that people who are supporting women or anyone, really, through difficult times or chaotic phases feel their feelings and air out their frustrations. Care-taking on any scale can and will get tiring because we are FINITE. We do not have unlimited energy to offer eternal support. That's the reality.

This anger and pain we feel is not coming from a lack of empathy but from the overwhelming presence of it. I feel for you so strongly, that every time you hurt yourself, I also feel it. When he hurts you, I am angry because I feel that hurt. When you hurt yourself, I fam angry because I feel that hurt. Because there is a part of me that is suffering as well, I get angry at the cause of that pain.

Apathy could never.

I wanted to provide an outlet to myself and other women who felt like me who had or were going through this grieving process and had frustrations as a result of having empathy while partaking in a seemingly never-ending cycle of torment.

#4. The Rescuer Isn't Coming

Which brings me to this next point.

Now I've made several responses in this thread already, but I really wanted to highlight that maslow's original criticism is that I was conflating an innate desire for a romantic relationship with men with femininity, and I was calling both ritualized masochism (which they are).

But this response really cements the absurdity of this situation for me; that is, the absurdity of choice feminism.

What really gets me about this particular response is how perfectly it poses the very same question that the post she cited says is impossible to answer: what can I do to make her life safer?

The post she cited is one that is lamenting the utter helplessness of being this support that never really improves anything because, at the end of the day, grown women will do whatever the fuck they want.

How can I make her safer when she rejects safety? How can the onus possibly be on me when I have zero power in this situation? I cannot criticize her decisions, I cannot herd all the men and shoot them into Jupiter, I can't stop her from going to club and picking these men up, I can't force her to date or believe me when I tell her that such a man is not good.

So what the fuck else is there to do but warn her? And knowing that my warnings are clearly falling on deaf ears, what the fuck else is there to do but watch or leave?

Do you not see the double bind. I am "protecting her" the only way I can: advising her to stay away.

Ultimately, it seems, maslow is upset that my solution to this whole problem is to tell straight women to forego this pursuit of a loving relationship with a man. She sees it as fundamentally self-centered, divorced from the interests and complexities of heterosexual dating and the rich inner lives of straight women.

As far as I'm concerned, there is no alternative. Radfems, of all people, know there is not. We know men do not rape because they lack education in consent. We know they rape because they want to. We know men do not abuse women because of any romanticized narrative of a tortured, guilty soul, but because it makes them feel good about themselves. Because they want to. We know men re-enforce patriarchy and misogyny, not because they "don't know" women are people but because it benefits them in some way. So WE KNOW that on a micro and macro scale, there is little we can do to appeal to men's humanity (or whatever's left rotting in its place).

So if men won't suddenly transform their hearts and rescue women, and if feminists and separatists can't get rid of men or force women to do anything, then who is left to protect these vulnerable women?

No one but their fucking selves. That's the truth. That's the point. Women are not to blame for what men do to us, but it is our responsibility to look out for ourselves because NO ONE ELSE WILL DO IT. No man is going to rescue us and no woman is going to resist the effects of socialization for us. Resistance and rebellion have to start from within and all I can do is inspire it however I can and seek freedom for myself.

The vision of separatism in feminism is one of women empowered to protect themselves, an acknowledgement of the fact that women only gain rights when we demand them ourselves. No man is going to change because we ask him to. At least, if he did, he'd be the rare exception. Which, you know, good for him. I can't be angry at a man for being genuinely good. It's always a win.

But separatism is a political strategy. "Let women try find a good man" is not. If most men are predatory toward women, then saying "find a good man among them" is shit advice. If it were a strategy, it would be a really shitty one because it CANNOT SCALE. Your political strategy should prioritize the majority of women who WILL NOT be able to find a good man that doesn't take advantage of them, otherwise, it's just elitism. Your personal hope in finding a good man is not a viable political/feminist strategy.

And if it isn't, then why are you demanding feminists take it as such?

#5. Love, Like Beauty, Is Pain

The comparison of femininity and dating men as ritualistic masochism was coming from the culture of women that romanticizes pain in love and beauty, insisting that these things are innate and inescapable, making them out to be virtues. It is glorified masochism and romanticized self-harm. The way we hurt our feet with heels, seek increasingly extreme ways to "correct" our natural physical characteristics and the way we put up with men. "Putting up with men" has been something we've been groomed to do by both our mothers, peers and men at nearly every stage.

This has become so familiar to us, that breaking free from this cycle is scarier than the anticipation of pain. This is also frequently a pointed source of my frustration in this post and other posts similar to it. This is why both femininity and sexual relationships with men are part of the same question and demand proper attention.

I am far from the first feminist to point this out, so I don't know why I'm being made out to be some sort of abuse-enabler for pointing basic feminist analysis like this out. It is this grooming that enables abuse, not advocating against it.

#6. Summary

-I committed no FOA.

-I have contextualized the suffering of these women and analyzed external factors.

-I have empathized explicitly with their pain.

Conclusion: I did not victim blame anyone and anti-separatist users continue to decontextualize my quotes in several other areas where context has not been adequately provided (and which I take responsibility for). I have not called women who date or marry men anti-feminist, but I have called that decision anti-feminist/non-radical. You can be a feminist and have non-feminist interests or pursuits. That doesn't mean you're entitled to validation from feminists because we are women. Feminism is a political party, not women's club. And choice feminists keep insisting it’s the latter.

Furthermore, I don't mind people questioning my integrity, but I do sincerely ask that they bring receipts. :)

#radblr #separatism #femininity #radfem #radical feminism

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atopearth · 5 years

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Liar! Uncover the Truth Part 3 - Office Deception Spin-Off

New series (?)!! Let’s hope it’s interesting~ Prologue plays out pretty similarly to the first one where the heroine discovers that her boyfriend is cheating on her and so she kicks him to the curb. Crappy thing is that he cheated on her with her best friend at work, who is actually a bitch that likes to steal people’s boyfriends, so yeah that sucks. And even though she successfully catches them with the evidence, she still gets the losing end of the stick since the girl is the daughter of some chief executive or whatever he was, so the heroine ends up being shoved off into a crappy team as their team leader so that they can get her to mess up and then force her to quit. Cool thing is the janitor giving her a mop divination saying that 9 of them will be crappy co-workers but one of them will be a lifelong work partner I guess hahaha. Now it’s gender neutral! We’ll see who is the best co-worker!

1st Liar Personally, I like Keisuke’s and Mayu’s looks the most but I think Kohei might be a cool guy hahaha. I feel like this Twinkle Twinkle that leaks confidential info (their rejected Olympic emblem design), complains about the heroine and other stuff is probably Shiori, she seems pretty stupid and irrational tbh. She’s also quite rude, every time the heroine tells her to do something, she always tries to delay it somehow with a joke or whatever and it’s so obvious that she’s being disrespectful with her. Otherwise, Yusei is nice to give her a book on leadership and Guy seems quite dedicated to drawing designs.

Honestly, I think I’d die if I had to deal with someone like Shiori that leaks company info, gets caught for it, says it’s because FindFriend (Facebook I guess?) is her life and she needs all these likes etc to survive, and then even after the heroine lets her off so easily by just telling her to get rid of all the problematic posts, she’s still not repenting and is complaining about her page being blank now? Omggg, I’d kill her lol. Just wondering, but do the accusation portions not have voice acting anymore? That’s kinda saddening, I liked that :(

2nd Liar You’d think that since we’re dealing with adults, bullying and harassment shouldn’t occur but it does :( But omg though, I feel so sorry for the heroine, when she tried to present their project, her slides were replaced with porn, absolutely great… If it’s someone jealous of her this time around, then maybe it’s Chisa? Don’t feel like she really respects the heroine so… Sakurako (traitor friend) and her dad that’s the chief are so eugh, especially since the latter touched her without consent! Disgusting!

As for the person sabotaging the heroine. I find it hard to believe that even if Keisuke was a guy who felt like men are superior in life, he wouldn’t do something like this, and Chise just seems to go with her own flow or something lol. Minoru seems the most suspicious just because he tries to take over her leadership role, thinks he’s the best, tries to make it as if she’s so useless and is obviously cocky.

Wow, can’t believe Minoru was such a guy, steals people’s work, ruined someone’s career and thinks that others are so stupid compared to him, the heroine was right to demote him!

3rd Liar So.. Someone is having an office love? But eww leaving torn pantyhose on someone’s desk is pretty disgusting. Gotta admit that Daikichi seems the most sketchy, he’s way too forward and flirty. On the other hand, Yusei is so cute! I’m surprised he actually isn’t the black coffee type and actually drinks chocolate milk instead haha! I also think he’s great leader material considering how capable he is, but if he thinks supporting others is where he shines, then fair enough. He was so adorable when he admitted that he took the heroine to a fancy restaurant before because it was her, when he usually goes to dingy dirty places hahaha. I think I’m warming up to him the most right now, so I think I’d be so sad if he’s a liar later😣

Not surprised that it’s Daikichi since the others seemed to be just there to make you doubt your choice, especially Chisa lol, just because she likes to do Tai Chi with older men doesn’t mean she’s sleeping around with them lolll. Anyway, Daikichi is pretty eugh, sure, the girls are the ones who are all over him, but he accepts them, even in the most inappropriate places like the office. It’s disgusting. Lmao at the true end though, the heroine was the one who spilt coffee on his old suit and helped him pick out a new one, so really the one who pushed him into having a style change was her, and so really, she started his playboy days lollll.

4th Liar So, this time around, it’s side jobs! They’re not allowed especially after some employee created his own business and it failed and he stole money from the company to pay off his loans, so yep. So cool that Keisuke just outed Sakurako on her BS, she’s so fake🙄 In terms of employment though, I feel like Guy has the best prospects just because he’s always drawing designs, so it’s not like another skill, he can keep doing his thing at work and be honing his skills at earning money for both this and his side job imo. But then omg at Chisa lol, bringing so many products to the office and then even bringing the heroine to a party that’s introducing these products?? Sounds like a pyramid scheme lol.

Which it pretty much is.. Scary thing is that it’s brainwashed Chisa so much since all she really wanted was friends but they made her buy all these products and join in selling them etc and threaten to kick her out and not be friends with her anymore if she stopped. It’s honestly pretty depressing… The older you get, the more difficult it is to make time for friends and to make new friends, sigh… I kinda feel sorry for her.

5th Liar HAHAHA omg, when the title of the episode was the Shuto Matsuki affair, I was wondering whether it was really THAT Shuto Matsuki from the previous season and it is! Guess his soccer career is still kicking haha. Just an FYI, but the early clear bonuses have become ridiculous, I need to finish 35 episodes/tickets in 2 days, and you only get 5 free tickets a day, which means I’d need to use an extra 20 tickets to make it to the threshold. Yeah… I’d rather not read the true ends then.

Omgg, she accidentally pushed Kohei down and then called him beautiful without his glasses and her heart even thumped when he smiled hahaha. He is pretty cute though, I like him. Not surprised that someone has stolen Shuto’s watch that the heroine took off him in order to not interfere with the photos but hmmm, who could it be, who’s the crazed fan?! Reina is my guess for now haha. I didn’t think it would be Guy tbh, he doesn’t even seem to have a proper reason, he’s just into the thrill of it all which is so…boring? Pretty disappointing reveal.

6th Liar Leaking the project information to an opposing company? That’s the worst thing for an employee to do, especially when they all worked so hard on this together. Sigh, the heroine can’t catch a break. Yusei seems to know his way around ladies~ He’s a dangerous guy imo hahaha. Surprised the heroine was okay with going to Keisuke’s house to watch Office Battle and in the dark too! Lol. Anyway, super disappointed that Yusei was the spy by Daito (rival company) and he was doing it all along because he wants money and has always been a guy like that ever since he got dumped by his girlfriend that went with a rich guy. Like okaaay, just dump any morals you have for money you have no use in having now since the girl dumped you anyway so… Yeah, whatever, sigh.

I’m starting to think that May is probably the workmate that will be like her best partner at work. The president called to get rid of Kaneyama from the team and May was meeting with some guy I assumed to be her dad in the beginning, so maybe the president is her dad?

7th Liar Well…. Sending a company wide email of a photo of the heroine and her father claiming that she’s in an affair? Yeah, these guys are sure unprofessional. But wow, kidnapping the heroine, taking photos etc??? That’s so crazy weird…. Thought it was Reina, but dang didn’t think it was because she in love with the heroine and crazy obsessed with her lol, so random… Yeah didn’t like this one, didn’t think the evidence part was interestingly solved either…

8th Liar It’s cool that both Keisuke and Kohei are into the heroine, and omg when they offered their hands so that she could walk down the stairs in her heels with their support~ so cute~ But May is definitely the best to save her from that awkward situation of choosing one haha.

LOL at Kohei being a pervert that likes to listen to voices hahaha. Why are all the recent liars obsessed with the heroine in some way or another lol, so random and weird. Although I do have to admit that some voices do sound amazing hahaha.

9th Liar Aww, if it’s supposedly the President of Daito’s child doing the spy thing, I feel like it’s probably May then… But I like her so much more than Keisuke. She’s considerate, nice and fun! So sad that I was right though, all the evidence did point to her and the rest against Keisuke were so flimsy, but sigh, I don’t like Keisuke lolll. I don’t want him to be the one aiyaaa. Oh well…. I am SO SHOOK. So shocked that May is actually a guy! The scarves she wears all the time are to cover her Adams Apple!! What!!! Shocking!! I guess that’s why there’s rumours the president has a daughter or son… Wow… Still shocked. Especially when the heroine accidentally grabbed her crotch when May tried to run away lolll. Omgggg.

Omggggg that the janitor was Keisuke’s grandpa which is the CEO of the company, and so Keisuke’s dad is the president, and Keisuke has been looking for the spies all this time too, and now he’s finally got the Kaneyama father and daughter. So glad Sakurako is done. Well, now she can fully trust Keisuke now and the team has been reformed so everyone is happy lol. What a long ride.

Overall, didn’t like Office Deception as much, felt like it was a bit bland and the characters were rather boring, but I think the main problem was that their reasons for lying were so fickle and uninteresting, maybe it’s because it’s limited by an office setting. But yeah, first one was definitely much better.

#liar! uncover the truth #liar uncover the truth #liar! office deception

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