#as my own person rn i'm working to get my degree and i'm trying to make our first original song (hopefully before 2026)

[otakebi-cam-wao]

Hello!

I have some questions about asa star

Is it still running

are there any social besides the youtube

are there any ways non-local fans can support you

do you accept fanart

thank you

Hello!

i'm going on order

yes, actually we gonna perform on april 21st on an event here in Chile

insta: asasutaa (i have my very own idol instagram as well being giseishan.asastar) tho we haven't been very active cuz many things, on my end i can say health related reasons for example

with just following is okay for the moment, because we're still thinking to even make merch for local events

if you want to, at least i'm okay with it, and without asking i think Jun-chan would be as well!

[aha-chuu]

We the hsr community are really missing out by ignoring the aventio dynamic that is canon and funny.

Because okay. Let's be fr: Ratio has however many degrees, multiple PhDs inside that. He has a job now, obviously, but he also spent a fat while trying and failing to get Nous and the Genius Society to notice him. He's renowned and super smart and has a bunch of achievements and credentials, but that student loan debt,,, fml. And we know from Herta and Asta's dynamic that scientific endeavours aren't just automatically funded.

So for some period of time before the IPC/Intelligentsia Guild snatched him up, I imagine Ratio was bobbing along like those rubber ducks he likes so much. Not broke, exactly, but certainly in the midst of six different projects at any given time and also canonically doing TA work as well like. Relatable king.

Dr Ratio has eaten a pot noodle in his life is what I'm saying.

But that's like,,, regular financial strain. Aventurine's situation is so far removed that to talk about it in just a monetary way would be insane. His net worth was *how much he was sold for*. But you know. He didn't have rent? Aventurine wouldn't have had any concept of what was "normal" between his downtrodden upbringing and horrific early adulthood.

So what I'm saying on that unhappy note is that when Aventurine got with the IPC, it's no wonder he seems most cavalier about dishing out credits. What do they even mean to him?? Money is important and he understands its value obviously - like it's part of his job and he's smart - but his personal experience is at odds with what he knows logically.

(and in some ways, after having been assigned a monetary value himself... I don't think Aventurine can conceive of any amount of money that is worth a person's life. He'll use people as "chips" but that's different)

Anyway. When Ratio was a fresh faced IPC collaborator and stuck with Aventurine as his partner, their first mission must have been insane. Like Aventurine only knows top level IPC people's financial situations so when Ratio is just a reasonably normal guy Aventurine must have been ???? He's still new at this too, you know, does Ratio need bailing out of all this debt? (it's very regular and he's responsibly paying it off ASAP), should Aventurine get on his good side with an extravagant purchase on his own fairly new IPC issued credit card? (he chooses not to because that might flaunt it).

Ratio notices. Obviously. But the biggest issue for him is Aventurine comparative cluelessness more than actual offense. Also like Ratio is certainly NOT poor I'm sure that first IPC paycheck will polish off the student loans entirely.

It's that cluelessness that would them trigger him to try and figure out Why this clearly competent Stoneheart who is obviously very good with money would be so out of his element when faced with a normal financial situation. And Ratio is blunt so he says those words out loud but without any of those complimentary parts. Aventurine is still reeling from someone seeing through his façade.

This isn't going anywhere except Aventurine trying to be a sugar daddy for maybe four days before he clocks onto the situation properly. And Ratio isn't about to say no to paying off that student loan debt a bit faster. And eventually they're both so well compensated by the IPC that when Aventurine casually transfers everyone else 100000 credits just for being in the room, he has to come up with some insane and creative way to shock Ratio. Maybe that's where the gun light cone came from: "if I can't impress you with my shiny new wealth I will certainly do it with my luck 🤗 why are you dialling a crisis line rn"

[doumadono]

Hello hello! I hope you’re having a good day🗣️❤️

I have a bit of an emergency request if u don’t mind.

I recently got surgery on my shoulder and the recovery has been… rough to say the least. I can’t lift my arm higher than 90 degrees and can’t pick up anything more than five pounds, this has made it where I’m unable to work which means I’m struggling to make ends meet. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life but I’m such an independent person that I have trouble asking for any help in any way, this has lead to me being in either a lot of pain while doing something I shouldn’t, or just absolutely defeated because I’m unable to do something as well as getting in multiple fights with friends and family bc of my stubbornness.

Anyways, could I have a shoto x fem reader where she’s kind of in a similar situation? Maybe like he lets her do things herself but only if it’s safe for her to do so and lets her know it’s okay to let people help her? I’m just really in a weird life phase rn and I’m trying to remain hopeful but it’s getting hard.

Anyways, I hope you have a lovely week❤️

-Jupiter<3

Learning to lean - Shoto x Reader

A/N: I’m very saddened to hear you’re going through this, but remember, it’s okay to ask for help. Your strength isn’t just in your independence, but also in knowing when to lean on others. This tough time will pass, and you'll come out even stronger on the other side. Stay hopeful and be kind to yourself!

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST - PART 2

You never thought something as simple as picking up a cup of tea could be such a monumental task. Your shoulder ached with every slight movement, a constant reminder of your surgery and the limitations it imposed. You gritted your teeth and tried to push through the pain, but the frustration was always lurking just beneath the surface.

The days since your surgery had been a whirlwind of pain, frustration, and a lot of sleepless nights. You hated feeling so helpless, unable to do even the simplest things without a sharp reminder of your injury. You were an independent person, always priding yourself on being able to handle things on your own. But now, everything had changed.

"Y/N, let me help you with that," Shoto's calm voice interrupted your struggle.

You glanced over at him, a pure stubbornness in your eyes. "I can do it myself," you muttered, not wanting to rely on anyone, not even your boyfriend.

Shoto walked over, his mismatched eyes filled with concern. "I know you can, but you don't have to do everything alone." He reached out, gently taking the cup from your trembling hand and setting it on the table.

A sigh escaped your lips, both from relief and frustration. "I hate this. I feel so useless."

Shoto crouched down beside you, his hand lightly touching your uninjured shoulder. "You're not useless, sweetie. You're recovering, and that's not something you have to do by yourself."

You shook your head, fresh tears spilling over. "But what if I never get better? What if I'm always like this?" You looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes. "And I don't want to be a burden."

He tilted your chin up, forcing you to face him. "You're never a burden to me, little one. And you will get better. It takes time, but you will. And even if it takes longer than we hope, it doesn't change how I feel about you. You're strong, and you've already come so far."

You bit your lip, tears welling up. "I just… I don't want to feel weak."

Shoto's expression softened, and he pulled you into a gentle hug, extremely mindful of your injury. "Asking for help doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. And I'm here for you, no matter what. You should know that by now, sweetie."

You leaned into him, allowing yourself to relax for the first time in what felt like ages. "Thank you, Sho."

He smiled, his warmth seeping into you. "Now, how about we tackle this together? You tell me what you need, and I'll be your hands when you can't use yours."

A small laugh bubbled up despite your tears. "Deal."

The next morning, you woke up to the smell of breakfast wafting through the air.

Shoto had insisted on staying over, just to make sure you were okay.

You protested at first of course, but now you were grateful for his presence.

You made your way to the kitchen, your shoulder protesting with every step.

Shoto was at the stove, his back to you, flipping pancakes with a practiced ease. "Good morning, princess," he greeted without turning around. "How did you sleep?"

"Better, thanks," you replied, taking a seat at the table. "You didn't have to do all this, you know."

He turned to face you, a little smile playing on his lips. "I wanted to. Besides, it's not every day I get to cook for someone I care about."

You blushed, making a loud awww sound. "Well, it smells amazing."

He brought a plate over to you, setting it down with a flourish. "Bon appétit."

As you struggled to cut your pancakes with one hand, Shoto quietly slid the plate over to his side and began cutting them into smaller pieces for you. "Here you go, Y/N," he said softly, sliding the plate back to you with a warm smile.

You dug in, savoring the delicious meal. As you ate, you couldn't help but watch Shoto.

He moved around your kitchen with such grace, his every action filled with a quiet determination. You marveled at how thoughtful he was, always anticipating your needs before you even voiced them.

After breakfast, Shoto suggested a short walk outside.

You hesitated, knowing how much effort it would take, but his gentle encouragement made you agree.

He stayed close by your side, matching his pace to yours, his presence a comforting reassurance.

As you walked, the two of you talked about everything and nothing.

You found yourself opening up to him in ways you never had before, sharing your fears and frustrations. "Sometimes, I just feel so angry," you admitted, your voice trembling. "Angry at myself for getting hurt, angry that I can't do the things I used to."

Shoto stopped walking and turned to face you, his eyes full of understanding. "It's okay to feel that way, Y/N. It's a natural part of the healing process. I'm here, right by your side, and you shouldn't hesitate to lean on me. You can fully rely on me, princess."

You nodded, tears spilling down your cheeks. "I know, but it's hard to ask for help."

"I understand. But remember, it's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength, to know when you need support and to accept it."

Over the next few days, Shoto's presence became a comforting constant. He allowed you to do what you could, but was always around to step in when you needed him.

Slowly, you began to accept his help without feeling guilty.

One evening, as you struggled to reach a book on a high shelf, Shoto was there in an instant. "I've got it," he said, retrieving the book effortlessly.

You smiled up at him, no longer feeling the sting of inadequacy. "Thanks, Shoto."

He handed you the book, his eyes twinkling. "Anytime, Y/N."

That night, as you sat together on the couch, Shoto turned to you with a serious expression. "Y/N, there's something I've been wanting to tell you."

You looked at him, curiosity piqued. "What is it?"

He took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving yours. "I care about you a lot. More than I can put into words. Seeing you in pain, struggling, it hurts me too. I want to be there for you, not just now, but always."

Your heart skipped a beat, warmth flooding your chest. "Shoto, I… I care about you too. You've been my rock through all of this." Tears welled up in your eyes, but this time they were tears of happiness. "Thank you, Shoto. For everything."

He leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. "I love you."

"And I love you too," your voice was a soft whisper, gentle and warm like a summer breeze.

Shoto's love and support gave you the strength to keep going, to heal, and to embrace the future with hope.

[eggdrawsthings]

Hi! I wanted to ask a question and I wasn’t sure if it was too personal or not so just ignore this is you’d rather not answer, but I was wondering if you went to art school or got a degree in it? I really want to start learning and maybe one day start a career in animation and wasn’t sure whether I should spend time and resources getting a degree. I know it’s going to be different for everybody and nothings a guarantee for this field but since I love your style and technical skill I was curious whether you had done that and what were your thoughts on it or if you are self-taught.

Hey anon! No worries it's all good!

Ig I should quickly go through my art journey so you can have an overall look of why I went to art school lol.

So I'm from Vietnam. I think back in 2013 I went to a small art school in Singapore (they were the only one that gave me a scholarship). My major was 3D modeling actually, but during my final year, I realized I only wanted to draw characters for animation. I could already draw decently, so I just read The Silver Way book and built a character design portfolio on my own during this time. I was lucky I got a job as a concept artist at a small animation studio there so I learned a lot from the job. I also did a lot of self-learning and took Woulter Tulp's Expressive Character class on Schoolism.

Then after 3-ish years of working, I got sick of the tiny and dying animation industry in Singapore. I wanna do sth more than just preschool shows and I was severely underpaid lmao. So I quit my job and took the MA VisDev program at AAU. It's a little more affordable cuz u can do 1 year online and the second year on-site. The reason I went to this school even tho i could just take a VisDev class online was cuz i need the visa so i can try to break into the industry in the US.

Now back to your question. Is art school a must? No. Should you still take it? Maybe, depends on your situation. If you can afford it then hell yeah by all means. Art school is great cuz you have professors and peers to help guide you along the way so you won't get lost while trying to figure out your shit. And to have a few years just experimenting and focusing on art is a great experience. Plus you can make a lot of meaningful connections in school and it will help you a long way after you grad. But if you have to go into debt to go to art school, then don't. There are places like Schoolism, CGMA, and Warrior Art Camp where you can pick what class and from whom you wanna learn. If you are not from the US and wanna break into the industry here like me however, then yeah getting a degree is a better bet cuz you can use the student visa and OPT to hopefully get a job here (it's still very very hard tho ngl im struggling rn as we speak lmao). Also, you need a BA to work overseas so there's that too. The hard truth is studios prefer to hire locally than some rando from somewhere else and have to wait for them to relocate and shit, (unless you are exceptionally good and they'd do anything to have you, but that is super rare lol).

Even though I did go to art school, I have to say most of my skills are from self-study. It requires a lot of self-discipline but I'm pretty much obsessed with drawing and I draw everyday so it's not a problem for me. But my friend is not good at that, so she found art school/classes helped her better cuz there are deadlines and instructors to help guide her to reach her goal. So it depends on your learning style tbh.

There is this chart that can help you consider your options. Im sorry it's a very long answer, cuz yes everyone's experience is different. Feel free to drop me another ask if you still have anymore questions tho ^^

Edit: I must also add, though there are online classes and ways to self-learn animation,I do think it only truly benefit you if you know exactly what you wanna do in this industry (for example I already knew i wanna become a character designer for 2d/3D animation specifically so any books/classes i took I tailored it to fit my goal). If you are unsure what you wanna do, then maybe even a cheap animation course will do better, and then you can take extra online classes on the side.

[love-toxin]

miss ellie i'm realizing now that i never told you now revolutionary your ocs are. like. i've been on this website for literal years and the day i found your blog was with an oc post where you introduced such a dynamic lineup with so much variety, it was the first i had ever seen. maybe i wasn't looking hard enough but you had poc yanderes AND trans yanderes it was the first time i had ever seen any (i know it sounds crazy to say but i'm being so fr rn.) even when i look through your old posts and reread them i just get blown away by how each one is different and has their own personality even though you have so many?? anyway it's late and i just wanted to say that ty <3

will you marry me?? 🥺

LOL to be for real though that makes me sooooo happy you don't even understand, I'm really glad i get to be that way for you and all you lovely people 💕💕 it's a blessing to be able to write & post my work and I'm genuinely happy to see people connecting with it.

tbh, the representation i try to portray accurately is a really long-standing relationship i have with writing & authorship in general. this might not be a terribly interesting bit of lore but back when i was in my teens and consuming a lot of fanfic online in the early forms of it (ff.net my love </3) that was something that hit me a lot in reading self-insert fic, because I'd always been a huge reader and was just then tapping into self-inserts and community fiction posting rather than just books. and i remember distinctly (i think partly bc I've always grown up in multicultural neighborhoods/had mixed family growing up) reading fanfics and having the thought of "huh, i can relate to this description or this experience, but that makes me wonder whether other people can."

funny enough, it was partly when i would read descriptions of the author giving a self-insert long hair or referencing their hair in some way, and I'd start wondering how girls who wore a hijab would read that same piece, cause i went to school with a bunch of girls who wore it or a full niqab. and so i started wondering more like "if i was black, would i relate to this experience in this fic? if i was trans or gender non-conforming, are there characters i can relate to? if i were a mix of these things, could i find somewhere i belong in this setting?" and since then it kind of became a focus in the way i wrote stuff going forward.

i think using inclusive language in fic writing is really integral to a greater horizon of people enjoying it, and thinking on my ocs i always wanted to have characters that people could really relate to. I'd stop a lot in my process of creating my initial sets of characters and try to keep in mind those thoughts that i had in reading fics; "if i were this or that, could someone in that position relate to the stories I'm writing? and if not, what can i change to make that happen?" because if people are going to enjoy my characters or find comfort in them i want everyone possible to have the ability to. it's kind of intimidating at times to write for experiences i haven't had personally but it led me (and still leads me) to do a ton of research, and in doing so I've been able to learn lots of really fascinating things in the process. in doing so, it made it really easy for my characters to develop their personalities through my writing because i think they inherently have identities that are complex, which is always the goal you want for any character in the first place.

sorry that this kinda went off on a ramble LOL, but after so many years of writing and with my degree under my belt i still really think about it a lot. I'm really glad what i wanted to do has come across and i hope you continue to enjoy my ocs!! ❤️❤️

[allyallyorange]

The amount of inspiration and motivation you give me is CRAZY. I always gotta manifest that you posted something before opening this site because I wanna see your stuff so bad.. can you tell I'm a BIG lover of your art and plot............

Literally HOW do you make your AU's SO GOOD?!?!?! (I'm trying to make my own ateez AU and I rlly don't know where to start.....)

HI OMG! This is so adorable 😭😭😭 I really appreciate messages like this!!

As for how I make my AUs/how I approach AUs,,, honestly I think I’ve just consumed so much content in my youth plus my aspirations to work in the animation industry have made me kind of understand storytelling to a degree, so I think it’s fun to take some ideas from content I like and change it to make a whole new story

Like for AT AU obviously there is no Adventure Time character that will perfectly align personality wise with a member of Ateez, so instead of wildly changing someone to force them into the exact role of Princess Bubblegum for example, or make someone Jake, I just take ideas from the series that I really enjoyed (post apocalypse, magic, cursed character, platonic familial relationships complicated backstories and potentially morally grey characters) and then let that inspire me to relate it to in this case, Ateez.

For Mafia au I had a lot of help brainstorming that but I think the root of ideas comes from maybe like. I see a picture and I do a doodle. Then my brain thinks of other things I kind of know/want to see within that world. I drew Jongho and Mingi in mafia au before anyone else and before it was a big au with fics to go with it. After the drawing I kept having more ideas and then @nnnnnnnothingtoseehere had ideas and suddenly it grew. I watched a lot of mafia/crime movies/series during the pandemic tbh so I had lots of inspiration. AUs like this are fun cus while AT AU directly is inspired by a pre-existing series, this AU is just based on an idea and there are a bunch of sources of inspiration!

Then for my Cowboy au that’s kind of like. My own little project. I’m kind of thinking I may eventually change designs around to make it not an au but an original “project” just for something to put in my portfolio. Of if people really liked it maybe I’d do something with it. But sometimes the beauty of an AU over an original project is people already know and love the characters which takes a lot of the work presenting new characters and hoping people enjoy them. Anyways, yea for this AU as it is rn, it’s just born out of my love for the western aesthetic. Also during the pandemic I watched a ton of spaghetti westerns as well as newer westerns and I found I just really love the vibe. Even when I don’t love the movie it’s really the vibe that I enjoy, couldn’t really explain why haha 🥲. I then realized I strongly dislike drawing horses and in fact (controversial opinion but it is my own) I’m not really a big fan of horses so I thought I’d lose interest quickly if I had to force myself to draw horses for certain drawings. I decided to do motorcycles instead just cus I thought it’d be more enjoyable for me to learn how to draw that than horses lol. So then the AU became lik the. Futuristic Cowboys and then that’s how it got the way it currently is

As for making the story it definitely helps to have someone to riff off sometimes. I thought of most the ideas for AT AU story wise by myself but when I was first coming up with it I was sharing all of my ideas with my younger sister, and occasionally she’d get an idea too, or expand on something a little bit. I don’t really know how to explain the way I come up with the overall story I think I just decide on a bunch of bullet points that I want to happen just ideas in the void. Then I think of major plot points I want to happen. Then I think of dynamics of characters. Then I just start organizing those ideas. Not necessarily in that order but those are the kind of starting points I guess!!

That was a long explanation haha I’m sorry! Hopefully it helps a little! Good luck making some fun AUs!!

[random-dragon-exe]

OK random headcannon time! Starring Raine and Adrian again. This time, I'm going deeper into their past and adding some more headcanons to my pre-existing headcanons.

So we all know that Raine attended St. Epiderm before transferring to Hexside right?

So this is going to elaborate on my HC that Adrian attended St. Epiderm and because of that, Raine and Adrian knew each other well before they each became Covenheads.

So, I like to HC that since they attended St. Epiderm together and they have an overlap with their magic being performance-based, they often had to work together.

So like, Raine would have to play in an orchestra/small music to add to Adrian’s scenes he puts up.

Or when Raine would mess up a chord because of their stage fright, Adrian would get mad them for doing that, even if it was unintentional.

Adrian would totally still be his dramatic self trying to tell Raine how to do better in his own way, but of course he completely fails because it's too vague.

Cue Adrian telling Raine to be more confident (or imagine people in their underwear) whichever one.

Cue Raine being irritated with his antics.

To go further, I do think they at least were kinda friends but also kinda not. Like they didn't get along well when they're out performing, but outside of that, I like to think they tolerated each others presence to some degree and they had some level of fun together. It could also be because of some overlapping interests they have due to their overlap with their magic (like how music adds to scenes, storytelling, cinematography and just being theater/choir kids).

Now here's where we go deeper. I like to think that when Raine chose to transfer to Hexside to be with Eda, Adrian took it a bit personally and grew kinda bitter about it.

He didn't take it well and to the current day kinda resents Raine because (in his eyes) they left him behind and they were one of his only friends who understood the appreciation for theater/the arts.

But Raine has no idea about it. They lost contact with each other and when they met each other again as Covenheads, it was probably a bit awkward.

Going into my other HC that they hate each other, as far as Raine knows, he dislikes them only for being an incredibly bad actor with stage fright, but doesn't know about how them transferring to Hexside effected him.

I also like to think that because of him being left alone at St. Epiderm, he did his best to make new friends who appreciated illusions and theater. Only for them to take advantage of his illusion abilities/ manipulate him (Kinda like Gus). Of course he doesn't take it well and with no one to turn to, he became spiteful and fought back with his illusion abilities by manipulating/tricking them back, but harder.

This leads him to become how he is in the present. Still dramatic and annoying as ever, but a lot crueler.

So when they meet again, Adrian keeps giving Raine the cold shoulder and gives them a hard time whenever they do interact.

(Cue Raine going "What happened to him since the last time I saw him?").

This further drives them apart and Raine learns to hate him back for him treating them the same way after all the years without knowing the deeper reason why.

Don't mind me rn, just coming up with some backstory and angst to my two fav Covenheads.

[meirimerens]

hi, i know you headcanon some pathologic characters to be homosexual, like Daniil, Artemy, Yulia, Stakh... what do you think their relationship with their sexuality were throughout their lives? also, i remember in one of your older answers you mentioned Daniil coming out to his mother... how exactly did that happen in your vision?

hello darling this reply has made tumblr give me that "there was an error processing your post" over 15 times now for no good reason. it's like it was too big at first but this is the same length and if you read this it means it sent. anyways.

i had posted something kiiinda similar here (below the cut) including bi characters (eva + the twins) but i had forgor to include stakh + by god i can repeat myself/elaborate (i love. repeating myself <3 for real honestly especially on this) so ooh baby here we

Dankovsky (longest because i'm writing about him so the thoughts are many) knew at a young age (like 11-12) he didn't like girls and instead did boys so he had to come to terms with it in some way Pretty Quickly. to me he was raised christian eastern orthodox, which like all christian denominations comes with its fair share of religious-specific homophobia, he wasn't particularly like. Thrilled per se. + the familial/ancestral culture comes with its own set of expectations around masculinity which homosexuality inherently challenges and the fact that he was already more into cello than like war as a kid made his father raise an eyebrow on him right. so from ages like 11-16, dankovsky was like Well i'm going to have to pretend i don't see it and hope the sky doesn't fall on my head. at around 17 it became evident that was IT really that truly what he was and there was nothing he could possibly do to not make it be this way. it came with a sort of like. acceptance that it just was going to be how it was, but he was already starting to think how he could push the Acting on It part long enough for him to maybe become busy with something else. i think as he grew up he shed the concept of "sin" as he actualized himself atheist so no "hate the sin love the sinner" for him, but you can't really pull the religious guilt out of a man raised religious ykwim. eventually as he accepted that He Was, and that by god it wasn't even a bad thing to be/started Embracing it as one more of his Transgressions (when it. not really is, a transgression comes with a degree of consciousness and will to violate a law or code, the fact that he's gay is just. how it is. that's him forever and that'd be him regardless of context etc), he started assimilating gay codes for himself (the red tie…) to be like. Yes. ykwim. he still had not met a gay person in his life so it truly felt like Him Against the World, but he started being more comfortable with the fact that he was gay. however, it still didn't stop him from started a whole… "i'm not in a relationship rn bc i'm focusing on my studies" mindset. at uni, he truly like. came into his own internally while still trying to maintain a certain ambiguousness outwardly. andrei saw right through that and, even if he's like not gay but bi, he was the first dude daniil met who was also (Loudly) into dudes. dankovsky owes andrei the first like. actual coming out to Someone else than his mommy when andrei would bait him into hanging out with other gay and bi men, dankovsky would sit in a corner not fuckin wit anyone just Soaking In The Homosexuality In The Air, and when andrei went "u got a problem with that? you homophobic?🤨" dankovsky had to go like "i don't have a problem with it at all… when it's other people" [implied: i might deal with it not too well when it's me myself]. and from that point on he was like ah fuck me [not literally] why do i bother being insecure about it. from ages 20+ he was still very much in his Married To My Work Era + as he founded Thanatica he tried to lay low to not get investigated and being very loudly homosexual was not the best way to "not make waves" so even as he settled in himself with the fact that Well he's gay and he's gonna be gay forever so he better live with it, he still stayed closeted for his safety. i think from ages 18 to current game-day 28, not getting laid pardon the frankness led to him developing like an internally Fucking Crazy relationship with love and eroticism and he might have kept himself from entering relationships because he needed someone who Understood He'd Want To Eat Him. (love wins!)

re:coming out to his momma i think she had had her Doubts for a while yknow has had her Doubts. his dad too, but from his dad's perspective it felt deeply Painful (bc when the son is gay it is the father's masculinity that is threatened.. i've spoken about it on the post i've linked in the beginning) whereas his mom didn't have that My Masculinity Threatened. dankovsky knew he was gay since age like 11-12 but only came out at around 14-15, when it became obvious for him and hard to ignore, especially as people begin to have little boyfriends and girlfriends at this age. he told his mom first because he was closest to her and she was like.

she believed him from the beginning because she had had her Doubts. for a while she didn't quite know what to do with this information as it all dawned on her that it likely meant no grandkids, no daughter-in-law to whom she could give her pretty jewelry and so on… but also i think she like. could relate her son's homosexuality to like. fucking Tchaikovsky. who attempted suicide because his marriage to a woman made him so miserable. so she was like… well. that's just how it is isn't it. she's just gonna have to make peace with it whether she likes it or not. i think eventually she came to the conclusion that she spent 9 months building him from her blood and bones and a full day putting him out in the world so it would be stupid to be mad at him for that. + that's god's doing isn't it. she can't be mad at god. and if god's mad at her son he can take it to himself. etc .

Burakh for the longest time um. Didn't know. i think he realized that about himself genuinely age 26 in the 12 days. he's going through an entire coming-of-age/coming-into-place story and i think that includes a realization story lol. i think for the longest time he just thought he didn't love anyone period. up until 20 methinks he was like "well i'm just a late bloomer". then he went to war as a medic and was like "well i'm just so fucked up in the head my mind's full of corpses that's why there's no place for love". then he went home and… lord almighty. for years he thought was just not made for love because he truly. hadn't looked the other way (he's just like me fr fr). he went from not knowing what a closet was to realizing he was in it and the door was ajar to being out and in a man's arm in the span of 12 days. he didn't really have the time to brood about what it meant for his future/himself/his relationship to his people for him to be homosexual because love slapped him across the face and he fell on his ass. as his whole story is about finding his own path and learning to cope with doing things that might not be approved of him and living with choices that are of love regardless it's truly just like. learn to cope FAST. you have way more problems. + as i think the herb brides Know i think he's not given too much grief by his community and doesn't have the religious trauma background of dankovsky. also since his parents are. well dead. he doesn't have to respond to them + his dad textually is like You're gonna have to do something boy. (and that something might displease him but that's out of his hands. and into burakh's).

.

Yulia knew early too like 12-13. she always was a tomboy as a kid and almost just like… naturally blossomed into a masc lesbian. i think from early on she was like. ok well we're coping with that. she already was going against social conventions by being an educated woman a woman in ""typically"" male professions a masculine-dressed woman so at this point the fact that she liked women that was like. well if you don't like it tough luck buddy. she always had a relatively distant (if loving) relationship with her parents so she didn't feel the need to justify herself to them + won't lie they saw it coming. they had it comin… she was not in any relationships for a while because she's kinda like Dry of a person/passionate about things most people just don't see/don't fuck with so while she is charismatic and handsome and knew she could be desired she didn't have any long-term relationship before eva because you truly need a girl who's a lil bit crazy to handle her. and vice versa. so love wins. i think that while she might not have frequented lesbian spaces like bars because her ass does not do well with crowds i think she never felt like she was So Alone like Only Lesbian on Earth. i think she did feel a sense of loneliness about it but it was also mixed with a deep sense of Well I'm Here and I'm One So Someone Like Me Exists.

.

Stakh for a little while was also that "well i'm kinda too fucked up for love" and he was also fighting for his life to be seen as a good student a good protégé a good foster son so romantic love was Far from his mind. i think he realized he was gay around age like 15-16 when it all starts to Dawn on you y'know everything Dawns on you. he was very quickly like. well that's how the cookie crumbles. i think there was a sort of immediate acceptance about the Being Gay factor but more of a restraint about acting on it because he too was like Married to The Student Behavior and didn't want to risk losing his place by isidor's side, especially since he didn't know how isidor would react to him being gay (i know what isidor did to that old man so i know he wouldn't have cared but rubin is not a mind-reader). it was truly like. well i am and i can't do much about it but i'm soo focused rn. as 18-20 came around the corner and his relationship with isidor truly felt like he was fighting for his life trying to be seen as a good student he was like I'm either going to war or becoming a monk. he was fully willing to commit to lifelong monkish celibacy because he's always been. kinda dry. kinda with issues. + i think subconsciously he was trying to not let Desire creep up on him because it would distract him from the menkhu way (nice dichotomy idiot what lies outside of it etc). he went to war [p1 lore which i abide by] and. well when you put a bunch of fit young men together away from the women of course something like this would happen. anyways he comes home having acted on his homosexuality which he is fine with + feels kinda like a weight being lifted off his shoulders but he stil hasn't tasted Desire ykwim. Want. Hunger in the lover sense. but he's like. shrugs. whatever. monk it is. he doesn't become a monk. he clings to being isidor's foster son until his knuckles go white. it ends up being for nothing. grief and anger scythe him right. and in what follows he bonds with someone who's Fucked up and who Knows Hunger and Desire and omg flushed emoji etc. (+ my belief when dankovsky comes to peter's loft to talk about god-knows-what they kinda realize pretty fast He's Just Like Me Fr and dankovsky appreciates his + peter's company kinda like he appreciated Just Sitting There surrounded by gay and bi men even if they barely talk. just knowing you're like. Not Alone. etc)

.

bit long. sorrey.

[hersurvival]

I'm heart broken cuz it's been a month and a few days since my aunt passed away on the night of my college graduation at that, and then it was the anniversary of the 2 years since my dog violently passed away in front of me for some reason the vet listened to his symptoms and suspects it was a sudden heart attack but also I'm heartbroken because I was almost choked out too all because my door no matter what, is creaky. There's no specific special way to turn the knob and slowly close the door to make it not creak anymore. 🫠 let alone the college suddenly has a system error showing I haven't graduated. And I was called a liar and treated horribly and no one will call me back or return my emails. To try and get my diploma. I worked my ass of for 2 years fir that irs not fair the solution thrown at me was just take the course to get that missing credit when I had an advisor set up my whole degree plan so I could just take the courses in peace since I got bad social anxiety.

That kinda turned to a trauma dump but you asked what happened 😭 so ik you were expected sad shit but now I feel like my life just be doing sad all extra here recently.

*sometimes it's funny like rn its funny. Earlier when I was doodling and ruined my doodle it was not funny.* but I keep it pushin 🫸 I got goals to make 💯

My poor baby!! 😭 Oh my goodness, this is too much for one person. Please, you are always welcome to trauma dump anonymously or dm me if you'd like to talk, don't try to get through everything on your own ❤️

I am unbelievably sorry for the loss of your aunt, especially on such a huge day of your life. And then for the college to fight you (I did get your new ask about college being fixed, SO YAY) and make the entire situation so much harder than it needs to be.

And your dog 😭 I know how special dogs are and I am sorry he is gone.

Keep pushin' and reach those goals! And the next time someone puts hands on you, drop your location. I've been looking for a fight, I got you 😤

For real, though. That is absolutely unacceptable in any circumstance. ANY. But a creaky door? WTF. I hope you know you didn't deserve that, no one deserves violence like that. Stay safe, anon, I'm going to worry about you 🙏

[lexicorp]

Adventure time is in my brain so much now-

I'm round mid season 5 rn buuuuuut already started theory crafting and au incorporating one of my peeps

Amory Führer taking Simon's place as the local ice wizard ~

I'd think that this universe would come about from the wish "I wish Simon never found the crown" and thus someone else replaces his biz

Simon and Betty don't get into that absolute batshit, tho I'm sure they'd still have some shenanigans in their years lolz. But ye, it works p well for them, they deserve chill vibe time-

Base amory is always obsessed with magic, so it was perfect to translate to this. He would love Simon's books and study antiquarian stuff on the side of his chemistry science nerd degree. And when Betty and Simon can't find the crown, amory with his stubborn ass would find it a perfect way of proving his metal to retrieve it where a famous person couldn't lolz. He always feels like he has something to prove, which manifests in his reckless determination and stubbornness. His goal was to prove the existence of magic and theorized the artifacts were tools and a map to determining the code to spells with your own hands. His dad always thought it was absolutely stupid, that he was wasting his potential on silly fantasies, daddy-o wasn't a fan of Simon either when amory would talk about a lecture of his. Amory's dad is kinda like, take Marcy's dad, and remove the goofy cray cray, he's kinda jus a gruff and generally aggressive ass. Abusive in many flavors and imprinted a lot of the trauma response behaviors in amory.

(I'm tryna summarize best I can but omyglob-)

The gal on the bottom right was amory's fiance, who didn't know much bout this stuff but tried to support him, yet something didn't sit right with her about seeking objects like those that are buried away. Amory was wrapped up in his head and didn't listen, which leads to kirona leaving, as she couldn't deal with his progressively worse obsessive behavior, especially after he found the crown and put it on. He did not keep it together with the crowns effects, and nearly hurt kirona before she managed to land hitting the crown off his head. He was so engulfed in what he saw that he didn't even hear her when in her high adrenaline state was scolding him. When kirona tried to take the crown to get it away, he reached out to take it back which made her more angry. High emotion time and all that she rushed out from the apartment.

Amory tried to show the crown off as proof of his theories, that he just needed to study it more. They didn't believe what he told them of it, so in his frustration he put it on to show them, trying to keep it together this time, but it went a bit crazy with him freezing some peeps and getting in ppls face hah.

His deal is that he totally is like, "itsfineitafineitsfine-" thinking he totally has it all under control, that he can figure it out.

Over the years, he thinks he's found a way to stifle the madness to get a clearer head. In his chaotic potion making, made a sort of toh eda elixir. It helps but doesn't fix fix it, and he'll start growing a tolerance so he keeps changing it and trying to figure out other ways. So he's kinda in between ice king and winter king in sanity lol

Instead of capturing princesses like ice king, glacier king (amory) tricks wizards into signing a contract to basically give their body to science, door to door business bich in the wizard City lmao, jus like I got ✨free healthcare✨ XD also collects various creatures of ooo to study mutations and differences between how the natural creatures are and hexed creatures. Glacier would also be fascinated by bubblegum for her own mad scientist side lol. He would a hundred percent steal her candy people making instructions or randomly bug her for tips or share his own.

Finn and Jake would be a nuisance cuz y'know they'd sabotage his hostage lab rats biz, but after getting over that he'd find it kind of amusing and a cut between the cycle he's been in. So later in the show would study them lol not entirely sure how all the parts would work- but that's most of what I got so far

[youremyheaven]

(Brother post person)

They constantly comment on my looks, hair, basically anything I do differently including my interest in astrology and my reverence towards goddesses and attraction towards temples.

They laugh when I cry. And are the happiest when I am not doing well in life. They create unnecessary conflicts and drama whenever I seem to be doing well and drag me into it. It's been 24 years, I have been quiet. But I wish to get out. Could you please help me?

I just wish to separate the self from not-self and see things more clearly.

I know you said there has been delays in your education but I hope you've finished your Bachelor's at least. I would say you should start looking for work and building your resume if you haven't already.

If you keep trying to pursue this new degree, you will still be at their mercy and they will exploit you at every turn. What you need to do is save money, find a job and move out and be independent. Once you're stable in that life, you can return to your education.

I know what's it's like to want to study further and remain a student. Sometimes it feels absolutely necessary to advance your career. Other times, it's a great way to take more time to figure things out. But trust me, right now, you need to leave this house and people behind. People less qualified than you are making $$$$. Don't be defeated, keep looking for work and you will find a job. Try to find remote work initially or part time jobs or an internship or something. Save up money. And then keep applying to places and once you have enough, move out.

You need to be a working woman rn because you need to have your own identity. Beyond money and stability, that's what a job gives you. As long as you remain a daughter and a sister, you will have to put up with this nonsense. They will never change. You need to carve a new life for yourself and that will not happen if you keep depending on them for your survival. This is exactly how Indian families keep their kids trapped. Can't cut them out if you're pursuing 3 degrees until you're 30, by which point your mind and personality has become so cemented by the nonsense they feed you that you can no longer see right from wrong and all those years of abuse and trauma will make you too afraid to stand up to them.

I'm not saying any of this to discourage you. I'm saying you need to get out asap. Don't wait for the next degree or whatever. Obviously it won't happen overnight but no one will save you, you have to save yourself. It may take several months to save enough money but that's okay. Start job hunting now and find work. Be determined and don't give up. Don't be embarassed of doing "small" jobs. Many jobs don't require any qualifications and you can easily earn ₹20k to ₹25k a month. Be a hustler. That's what will help you. Carve a new life and be in a new environment where your parents aren't influencing all your decisions and what not. Sometimes God puts us in certain situations just to see how much we can tolerate before we stand up for ourselves. Take a stand and find work. God will be with you.

[heartstringsduet]

Hi Michelle! I have three Nice Ask Week asks for you! ☺️

1) when did you join the 911ls fandom and what about the show/characters made your brain go ‘this is fandom material for me right there!’ ?

2. Which of TK’s and Carlos’ outfits (you can choose one from canon or come up with your own answer) do you think is the other’s favorite? You can add a least favorite too if you want!

3. I saw that you sent an ask about Tarlos kinks, so here’s one for you! (You can choose not to answer if you don’t want ofc): do you think one of them has a kink that the other knows about but doesn’t share? If so, which, did they have a conversation about it, and is it something they engage in once in a while anyway or something that’s just a hard (or well, not hard) no for the other?

I hope your weekend and offline time is treating you well!! 🪻🌞

Hiii. Sorry I was slowly making it through the nice ask questions. And I think I owe you one but I will surprise you with one once I think of it <33 1) 911 LS HIT me at the legit best time to join a fandom. I was just back on Tumblr for Glee and then saw a gifset and thought...two hot guys don't mind if I watch a mind-numbing show rn. To be honest, I don't like procedurals. I can watch a single season and be so into it and then lose interest because the characters usually stagnate and the formula grows tiring. If 911 LS focused even like 10 percent more on rescues than characters I wouldn't be that big of a fan. But the characters shine even in the ridiculous setting and yet even through some writing CHOICES. I also love the fandom. Maybe I'm lucky to just block everything I hate early and then the very great people remain on dash but I LOVE THIS FANDOM. I LOVE IT!! <3 So many genuinely nice and just passionate people. I also am mentally not always the stablest but I'm genuinely happy to have a little void to vomit some things into sometimes or friends to talk about silly and heavy stuff with. SORRY. No one will read this to the end. I waffle. i love you all. 2) Okay here is TK's top Carlos outfits:

He CANT TALK WHEN CARLOS IS IN YOGA CLOTHES (relatable)

From this episode forth you just KNOW TK said somethign about button ups and Carlos went: cool let me rile you up in every color imaginable. cowboy dad core it is.

TK's formal firefighter suit. Don't need to explain do I?

Yoga equivalent. Hot jock!TK gets railed that night.

his first date outfit. Carlos sees that shirt with that top button undone and he forgets to breathe. Bonus for BOTH:

3. Kink question: Ugh I have SUCH a hard time with this because I guess for most relationships if not a straight-up kink, there likely are some slight mismatching in what a person might be into while the other isn't. I think for them they are pretty compatible in most regards and though they aren't always the best communicators in other things, this I think they are open about and explore together. I could see MOST kinks working in some capacity, but maybe something like TK being into humiliation and feminization and roleplay whereas Carlos doesn't really like it would make more sense to me. But he would try anyway. He is a giver but he ofc has his own limits but I think he'd enjoy things TK enjoys at least to some degree. Carlos doesn't necessarily strike me as kinky beside my firm belief of their subtle D/s dynamics but I can also see him be VERY kinky. This is such an unsatisying answer but my writer brain instantly goes: Okay but...I CAN MAKE THAT KINK WORK FOR THEM!

[nerves-nebula]

was wonderinv who to ask then saw ur poston art school and went . yo!

anyway can i ask hows art school? like . is it worth it?? whats the experience and everything like + do u regret ur decision to go there? (dont feel forced to answer any of these) (for context + incase it wasn’t obvious ive been wanting and thinking of going to one if ever given the chance)

Oh man, where to start. Well first of all some of the main reasons to go to art school are the resources and the connections.

If you wanna get into furniture for example, that’s a lot easier if you have access to a whole workshop with tons of different saws. I’ve learned to use three different book binders as well as done hand binding myself, which is great fun for me but idk how I’ll make money out of that.

The thing is that depending on your major/department, a lot of the stuff you do in art school you could theoretically do on your own as well. So if you think you have enough willpower to make your own schedule and find your own resources then I’d say do that, and work on building your portfolio so you can show it off if you ever get the chance. especially if you don’t really have the money for college (I’m incredibly lucky to have someone help me cuz otherwise I’d be screwed)

If I’m honest, I didn’t really want to go to college at the time of me applying. I was kind of interested in learning how to wrap cars, and I wanted to take a course in that, if you can believe it. but all of my parents kids have to go to college no matter what (as in my mom forced me to apply to college and then sent me off like “I can’t help you pay for college btw good luck!”) so it was inevitable that I was going to go to an art school. which is fine because i've also always kind of wanted to go to a school, i was just stressed about not being able to afford it haha.

THEN there's what kind of art school you're going to. I'm at one of the most prestigious fine arts schools in the USA, because though I got admitted to others, I couldn't afford to go to others. the one I'm at offered the most money, because they could afford to. Idk what I'm gonna do with this degree but im in graphic design rn so I'll probably do something in that field. and it helps that the name of my school is renowned.

but if you, say, want to get into animation you're probably going to NEED to go to an art school. even if you cant get into an animation school specifically, any art school at all is better than none when it comes to animation (I think, idk for sure i'm not interested in animation as a job. my friend is tho so maybe I'll ask him)

now, HOW is art school? WELL. I've heard this isn't uncommon, but the first year was literally actual torture. it was really really bad. it made me more suicidal than I'd been since I was 12 and it ALSO made me start cutting for the first time ever. but I survived it, and the second year was way better! (if still stressful) the first year is for where they try to kill you, and the second year is where they go "haha just kidding ok lets get into what you want to know" at least that's how it is at where I am.

DESPITE the pain, and despite how even now I'm anxious about going back, I don't regret it at all. I really like my classmates and I love my professors. I love a lot of the work I've done and the skills I've learned. I liked living on campus and being so close to all that Art Stuff, even if i was too tired all the time to ever go out to any of the events.

plus on a more personal level, anywhere is better than living with my parents. so even if it was hellish the first year, i'm at least happy that i got things done and i wasn't wasting away at home with my mom.

hope that answers all your questions :)

[roobylavender]

I wrote this during my breakdown so I'm not actually crying rn jshshjs

Being in a desi family means no matter what I'll do for my parents, I know they will always choose my brother over me, well at least my father will. I will never get the justice I deserve as long as I live in this family. Sure, my mom tried for me but that only lasted 5 minutes at most before she gave up. Maybe she knew it will never happen so that's why. It still hurts tho. Only trying once and then never again. And instead preaching ME to not get on my brother's bad side. I really, really loathe living in this family. I loathe desi men. My parents will never raise their voice for me to my brother. They will never defend me as he continues to bully me whenever he wants to. And as I continue to type this as I cry, I know it's pointless. Tomorrow I will act like nothing happened and continue to please my father, as if I don't have this thoughts running through me everytime I talk to him. I will continue to talk to my mom as if I don't think how she will never fight for me even if I told her all of this. Because what is the point knowing it will cause a meaningless discourse in the family that will only last a few hours or a day at best and embarrassed myself. Knowing it will be me who will get lectured. And I'm not even crying because of my brother rn it's the fact knowing my parents never did, and never will fight for me. I might've forgave my brother if only my parents did something and he apologized. But they never did. Every day I loathe and love my parents. Being in a desi family sucks.

i want to apologize again for getting to this so late and while i am more than familiar with how this is unfortunately a perpetual, never-ending kind of deal, i really hope that today you’re feeling at least a little better than you were when you were typing this. i’m not sure how old you are but speaking from personal experience i really think the best outlet for any desi kid is to try to be independent as soon as possible. if your family can afford it go for an undergrad degree in a different city. keep connecting with people so your network provides you with opportunities to get out and get a job. prioritize financial stability so that you have the means to move out even if it’s into an apartment. it depends from family to family obv but sometimes there’s a point where some families will not change and you have to do what’s best for yourself and that’s okay. i think it’s easy for us to harbor a lot of guilt that we’re ungrateful if we don’t stick around and try to fix some of the baggage ourselves but what i’ve learned is that even if you want to try to fix the baggage you need to be in a mentally stable place to do so. living at home doesn’t necessarily facilitate that. and i don’t know what your thoughts on it would be personally but if from what i assume you’re a girl then i again would highly highly recommend doing whatever you can to forge financial independence for yourself. even if it means working a minimum wage job for now. i feel like in a lot of desi families there’s a tendency to look down on that sort of thing (odd, no?) but it’s really a vital developing experience all people and esp desi women should invest in. my lack of financial experience has hindered me in so many ways and kept me tied to a familial situation where i am often very unhappy. i love my parents very much but we have ideological and practical divides and we’re at a stage in life where we need our space from each other (and i imagine that’s true in your situation too) and yet i don’t have the means to execute it bc i’m still figuring my life out. it’s easier said than done obv but i think if you develop the conviction early to get your life in order and work towards creating your own space where you can control how you’re respected it will be worthwhile. the pain of your parents’ faults and inability to protect you is always going to sting and esp within desi families there’s a very deep trauma every child goes through when evaluating what their parents have or haven’t done for them. but that sting will hurt more when you’re completely at your parents’ mercy (and your brother’s, in this case). when they’re not in control anymore it will be easier to manage, and i really hope whatever your circumstances that you’re able to forge that path where your life is your own and you’re not bullied for existing within this familial structure. iA let me know if you ever want to vent again, my dms are open as well so if you want to talk more privately that’s welcome, too. love you lots 🤍

[thrandilf]

hi friend! I saw your post about questioning majoring in creative writing and I feel well equipped to answer it since I just finished creative writing degree LOL!!!!

firstly, I think a lot of ppl (my classmates included) can relate to what you mentioned! all of us have genres we don't like and prefer not to write. I know someone who didn't take any of the poetry classes meanwhile I took any I could get into. basically, a good creative writing program won't force you to write for a genre that you really don't vibe with, at least not more than once. is this something you're aware that this program does, or is it something you are fearing?

Well, the expectation given to me thus far in Fiction 1 is that future fiction classes in general will share the No Genre Allowed rule, aka write only literary fiction. The creative writing program at the university I'm confirmed transferring to (yay! admitted and everything! but no Major affiliation yet) has a required mix of poetry and fiction workshops and I love poetry so I'm happy about that, but I know nothing more about Fiction 2 and above at said uni.

So I'm like. Is it All like this? I'm having trouble figuring out if I'm truly this allergic to literary fiction and just unfortunately find modern settings boring, or if I'm having issues with like the class itself with no sense of direction for the final short story and no feedback so far in part bc the person assigned to do peer feedback for me simply did not. Do it.

So rn I don't know if it's the class or me, and just trying to figure out if I'm cut out for creative writing. Poetry class was awesome! But...

I also just need to really work on hammering out fully original plots and ideas on my own time. I have some og fantasy stuff made as far as novel notes/concepts/scenes, but that doesn't like, help me with a just literary class.

Fanfic has helped a lot with some technical skills but I feel really out of my depth/wondering if I'm legitimately Not Creative. Kind of a mental health/identity crisis lurking there too tbh

But maybe it's the current class.

So you see, I'm just kinda. Torn. My BA being English lit or creative writing is a step on my way to an MA in Library Science so it's not like an end all goal to get my BA in creative writing but it has been my goal for a long time, I'm just having massive anxiety and unsure of how I'm vibing with this.

THAT BEING SAID CONGRATS ON THE DEGREE! :D How was it?

[rin-and-jade]

Hey, I've got a question? I think I'm a singlet, but there's some brain stuff going on that I wanted to get input from a system about, as it seems to be a bit more up your alley.

So I can feel like a- a presence in my head, basically. I've named them Shadow right now as just saying "the presence" felt weird. I also keep subconsciously using he/him pronouns with them for some reason so just a heads up that may be a thing in this ask lol.

They're just kinda chilling for the most part. Like if my mind was a room and the body was a video game character, I'd be sitting at the computer and in control of the mouse and the keyboard, while Shadow is doing their thing on the bed if that makes sense. So I tried to like, mentally poke them I guess? Cause there's something in my head and I wanted to know what it was. And instantly was bombarded with a dehabilitating headache, like when you try to remember something you know happened but don't have any details about.

Needless to say, I have not tried to poke them again.

I asked some of my friends a. if this was normal, and b. if they knew what was up, and the two responses I got were something about repressed trauma (which is fair, I don't remember any trauma but I also am almost always mildly dissociating so yknow) and something spiritual, which was well intentioned but I don't believe in that stuff so I'm not real inclined towards that option. And I thought, "Who is likely to have ideas about Things That Arent You in your head?" and plurality seemed like an obvious place to look. I don't think I'm plural, at least not right now, since Shadow and I have had ZERO communication (not sure if they even are sentient or if it's smth else) and I only lose time and stuff the normal amount, but maybe you guys have ideas about what this could be? I don't have access to a psychiatrist rn (and frankly I am Not ready to tell anyone that isn't a very close friend about Shadow without the anonymity of Tumblr, my parents would definitely question if I asked to see a psychiatrist out of the blue and I am not ready to explain this to them) so this is kind of the best I can do, sorry.

Also one of my friends and I have a notebook we write back and forth in and when I wrote about Shadow it felt like they were pressing closer to me, like they'd moved off the bed and were watching intently over my shoulder.

-D (signing off in case I come back with an update)

Thanks for coming to me and providing me a detailed explanation to describe your situation, i have a few to say.

It can't be trusted when you think something is in a "normal" level because you wouldn't know if it is actually or it is not. Unless you have searched and asked questions to other people on whats the acceptable range of losing time normally, i will believe you on this.

Im also curious if shadow can respond to you, it doesn't need verbal communication between the two of you as it works well by "feeling" it. Have you ever get those moments where saying something it might like made them steer close to you too? Do you think your thoughts or actions are affected to a degree when you feel them around? Do you feel like you are it despite not knowing anything about what this shadow's personality is like? How long have you noticed shadow existing?

Also, for my people, they don't get headaches when it comes to probing or trying to know/think about the another part. I can describe it as staring/thinking at something that doesn't feel familiar which causes little to nothing but confusion or dissociation. No pain involved like yours (though this experience might be different for everyone)

If you have confirmed that you lose time in an acceptable range, get pain just by trying to think/interact from it, and don't feel affected in any ways by shadow,, i will say it could be something else. If you think shadow does something more than chilling inside and leering to you closely way too often (and even have its own gender preference), it could be plurality. I recommend you to search more things that correlate to headaches and not remembering trauma and feeling a presence to get a better understanding, i wish you luck and i will gladly wait for your update, D.

- j