#as someone who comes from an abusive household they mean so much to me.

[couldthatreallyhavebeenit]

i think its a crime how little Chirp and Esmé's relationship and their family is talked about

the amount of love Chirp feels for both Esmé and their daughter is just. so apparent and so intense even though she knows it wont be forever (it's going to be so little time for her) she is okay with risking so much for them and its so so so beautiful

[mv1simp]

Just Hold On, We’re Going Home ♥️

Max Verstappen x Fiancé! Reader

I got my eye on you, you’re everything that I see (I want your hot love and emotion, endlessly)

After a particularly bad argument with his father, Max is mentally checked out and needs to be pulled out of the dark place his mind has gone too. As his fiancé, you know just what to say to make him feel your love and bring him safely home.

Content includes: 18+ MDNI, smut, size kink, orgasm denial, I know I said I would never write subby max and that was apparently a LIE, but he’s more of a soft pure loverboy who needs you ok, you both have daddy issues, mild angst and childhood trauma, 3.1k WC

You can tell your fiancé’s mind is somewhere else right now, instead of at the intimate dinner you’re sharing at a cosy restaurant. You know this because you know Max well, having been friends before you two started dating, meeting as mutuals within the same extended group, and then online where you would both take a break from your demanding careers to enjoy a friendly grand theft auto competition.

Your friendship had gotten closer when you’d proved to be someone he could trust and always rely on. Especially when it came to talking about his father - a very multi layered relationship given that Max owed a large part of his F1 success to Jos’s discipline and the fact that, well, said discipline had involved emotional abuse on a good day and physical abuse on a bad one. It was a complex dynamic to unpack, and one that he didn’t really do with anyone - because he couldn’t trust anyone outside his family to not leak it to the media somehow. And within his family, the only one who came close to understanding was his little sister Victoria - who wanted to talk about it just as little as Max did.

However, you knew a thing or two about complex relationships with parents, growing up in a household with a luxury property developer tyrant of a father, and a homemaker mother who would never dare come between her husband and his demands for absolute perfection from his children, especially from you - the eldest. Similarly to Max, you owed a large part of your highly successful investment company and Oxford financial degree to your father’s attitude, which had been so sweet on days you performed, and then like a dark thunderstorm on the days you didn’t.

So you’d been the only one to see the look in Max’s eye one night when he’d had one too many to drink at a house party, and had wandered out into the garden by himself. You’d spotted him leaving, already having a growing soft spot for your friend at that stage, and had followed him out. It had taken you a while to find him amongst the dark sprawling bushes, but when you did, you promptly sat down next to the much taller Dutchman and didn’t ask him anything. Instead, you told him about the time you’d scored 99.9 on a notoriously difficult advanced calculus exam, and you’d proudly told your father about the result of your months of study, top in your class - and he’d responded by coldly demanding why you didn’t get the 100. What’d you say to him? Max slurred, morbidly intrigued by the story.

Nothing, I was way too upset I'd disappointed him. But I did go fight the Mathematics head professor about giving me the extra 0.1. You shrugged, telling him you probably should’ve just gone to frickin family therapy instead and saved yourself arguing for 45 minutes only to find out 99.9 was the highest possible mark anyways.

Max looked at you, blue eyes intense in the moonlight. You in turn looked back at him with nervous doe eyes, and when he didn’t say anything, anxiously started apologising. Perhaps you’d read his emotions wrong, you didn’t mean to overstep and relate to his own relationship with his father-

Max cuts you off to explain what had been on his mind. I’m sorry, you - you argued for 45 minutes with the department head for an extra 0.1? On top of 99.9? This time, when your gazes meet, you both burst into drunk giggles at the sheer absurdity of a five foot nothing, 15 year old schoolgirl going toe to toe with a grumpy old professor for such a thing.

He’d started opening up to you after that, bit by bit peeling back the onion layers, because you always met his confessions with no judgement because this was his narrative, and helped him reflect on his emotions and understand why, 20 years on, he still couldn't accept a compliment but easily responded to insults. And when you two finally became a couple after a very convoluted weekend in Ibiza - involving multiple schemes from both parties, various slutty outfit choices from Max that showed off his abs, and your use of one (1) Charles Leclerc to make his Dutch childhood karting rival jealous (a story for another time) - you’d heard the full tale of what Max’s upbringing had been like.

And now, 5 years on from the infamous Ibiza weekend, and sitting across from him at dinner as his fiancée, you know instantly from the look in his eyes what's troubling him. You touch his large hand gently to draw him back in, and with a startle he comes back to you, apologising. It’s been a shit last few races, yeah? You start, going straight to the source of his worries. And now a big one this weekend, Zandvoort, your home race.

Max sighs, nodding, grateful for your ability to pick up on what's on his mind without him needing to say it. On your drive home he rants passionately about all the bullshit decisions his team has been making and the problems with the car he's asked to get fix for months. You soothe him reassuringly, rubbing his hand where it rests firmly on your thigh as his other drives, chiming in to agree with his critiques and make him laugh with jokes to diffuse his tension.

And that night he shows you just how thankful he is for all your understanding, picking you up in a display of strength that always has you needy and dripping for him. He smirks as you beg him to take you to bed and fuck me, please Maxie, after he has you breathlessly stretched out on his large, thick fingers. Like the good fiance he is he gives you what you want, all his stress melting away with each strong thrust into your small frame underneath him, your tiny hands clinging desperately to his broad shoulders.

You're furious the next morning when you wake up to multiple calls that there'd been a massive PR scandal within one of your principal investing companies, sending your high profile clients into panic - including your father, who demanded you fly out to London right now to sort this out. You'd been ready to send your executive manager out instead, not wanting to miss this important race for Max - but he'd chuckled and reassured you he was sure he could handle it - having done some odd 200 races or another. So after giving him a guilty kiss, you two fly off in opposite directions. You'd meant to have arrived to the paddock by Saturday noon at the latest, in time for qualifying at least, but London takes longer than expected. You don't come until halfway through the race on Sunday, and see him take P2 after multiple mistakes on the track - both from him and his team. Despite the objectively good result, you know Max would not be pleased. Seeing the stormy expression on his face on the podium after he'd tersely greeted you post-race, you give him his space to cool off, knowing it's not personal. Instead you catch up with the other WAGs and laugh at Charles who still faintly blushes at the sight of you, thinking about Ibiza. But later, when you head to the Redbull garage, you hear raised voices arguing in Dutch - before Jos emerges from Max's room and storms away. You pause before deciding to go in, gently asking how he's doing.

Max, as you expected, scoffs and sarcastically asks how do you think he's doing. You continue reassuring him, being used to seeing him like this after a bad race, and place a soft hand on his shoulder to soothe him - only for him to rip it off you almost violently, making you flinch in surprise. He yells at you to stop pretending like you understood a damn thing, as if you'd have any idea what kind of high pressure he has to deal with compared to your comfortable office job.

You manage to hold it together as you tell him you're going to leave, you'll be flying back to Monaco to sort out your work and will talk to him once he's calmed down. He rolls his eyes, telling you to get out, then and you make sure you're well away from the paddock and in the privacy of a car before you left yourself cry. Max had definitely been angry around you before, even enraged - but you'd never felt the full brunt of it come out and attack you so directly. Taking a deep breath, you focus on calming yourself down, as the argument brings up your anxieties from your own father - who had no problem raising his voice when he was angry. By the time you land in Monaco, you're ready to head back to the office.

The next day as you're coming home from work, unlocking the door to your shared apartment with Max, you stumble forward when the door is yanked open. On the other side is your rather panicked looking fiancee, who says that he'd thought that you- he swallows, looking like he was about to be sick -that you'd left. Forever. Perplexed, you tell him that you’d never do that, not without talking to him, and he launches into a frantic apology, saying that he regretted his words so much, that you didn't deserve to have him take his anger out onto you. Grateful for the sincere apology, you let him know with a genuine smile, saying that you're completely okay now, you had understood he’d been frustrated in the heat of the moment.

But Max's worried looks at you don't stop as you wander off to take a shower and then continue over your favourite dinner that he'd cooked, uncomfortable with the compliments you gave him about it - as per usual, still struggling to accept a kind word about anything he did. When you feel his upset gaze on you again when you're cuddled against his shirtless chest, watching a movie, you decide enough is enough and pressed pause to gently ask him what was on his mind.

That I just let all my anger out onto you like that without any hesitation. And the things I said about your job not being important - God, it’s something my dad would have said. His guilt at having hurt you with his cruel words make his blue eyes bright with the threat of tears. He says he couldn't just accept that you'd let it go because you thought it was fine, because it wasn't, not really, don't ever let me speak to you like that again, schat.

Bringing yourself up to straddle your fiance's wide lap, you settle in comfortably and closely examine the helpless look in his pretty eyes. It's rare for Max to get so worked about something like this, being the rather laid back guy he is off the track. But when he does get like this, all pent up from stress, his father’s expectations heavy on one shoulder and the fear of turning out like him on the other, there’s very few ways to pull him out of his head. Gun to your head, you’ll admit, you had your own personal favourite method for helping Max unwind. Because on nights like these, it's the the only time he'll hand the control over to you in the bedroom and the only place where he'll accept your compliments. With a teasing smile, you pepper him with gentle kisses, erasing away every tense line on his face.

Sure, Max you whisper breathily into his ear, biting the edge of it, I guess I did forgive you too easily. Maybe I should make you work for it, hmm? A delicious pink flush spreads across Max's cheeks, making you grin wickedly and press deep kisses into his soft mouth. He breathlessly whines when you pull away to tease your hand down his muscles chest, stopping just above his low waisted sweats. You can already feel how hard he is underneath you with the impressive semi he’s sporting. Choosing to ignore it, you climb off him and pull him along with you too. He follows you like a lost dog to where you walk over to the kitchen, dropping your hoodie as you went, to reveal a cute La Perla pink set underneath that he'd given you for an anniversary.

When you stop to lean against the counter, eyeing him coyly, he tilts his head down curiously - only to have you tangle your small hands through his messy, long locks and guide him all the way down, until he's on his knees below you. He looks positively delicious, all soft and flushed, as you coo that he needs to prove just how sorry he is, by putting that mean mouth of his to work and eating you out, yeah?

He nods eagerly, burying his large nose right into your core and breathing in, licking furiously through your thin panties and when he tries to yank the lacy garment out of the way, you swat his hand back, telling him no, not yet, he didn’t deserve it.

He whines openly then, teary and breathless against you as he kisses along your thighs, the swell of your ass, and then to your delicate ankle as you teasingly stop him coming any closer with a foot to his toned chest, your gold anklet dangling. Running a hand through his hair again, you tug on it firmly so you can smirk down at him when he begs you please, schat, I promise I’ll be s'good for you-

Your resolve is crumbling at seeing your normally in control fiancé reduced to putty in your small hands. Trying to maintain your willpower, you teasingly pull your pink bralette off first, enjoying the way Max's breath hitches, eyes wide with pure need, as he follows your hands ever so slowly slide your panties down your legs. But he still doesn't move, fists clenched into his thighs, desperate blue eyes looking up at you, waiting for your approval to touch you. You throw him a bone and slide one soft thigh over his broad shoulder, your other leg still leaning against the counter, giving him irresistible access to your dripping pussy. Go on then, baby, you tease, here's your reward.

He buries his tongue into you in half a millisecond, eating you out like he's kneeling at your altar and worshipping your thighs. His large hands squeeze your curvy ass, pulling you even closer onto his tongue as he hungrily eats you out like a starved man. You're moaning sweetly, telling him he's doing so good for you, it feels amazing, that you wonder how the world would react if they knew their favourite F1 champion was as good at eating pussy as he was at driving racecars.

Your praise has him keening, now desperately kissing and sucking your core, and somehow both your thighs have ended up draped across his strong shoulders, his large palms still squeezing your ass. This angle lets him slide in deeper than you’ve ever felt his mouth reach, face completely buried between your thick thighs, and with a few more talented flicks you’re lean back against the counter and squirting right onto his waiting tongue.

Dazed from the intensity of your orgasm, it takes you a few minutes to come down from your high, and Max slowly licks your clit in the meantime, toeing the line to overstimulation. Standing back up shakily from potentially the most mind blowing oral you've ever had in your life, you tilt his chin up to look at you with a gentle hand, giving him a kiss because he was such a good boy, all for me, yeah baby?

He nods furiously, almost looking like a cute Labrador with his blonde hair and blue eyes and you giggle at the mental image, telling him he’s earned his next treat. Max practically stumbles after you as you gently tug him up by his jaw and back over to the comfortable sofa, where he sits down after you playfully shove his chest. His muscular thighs spread wide to make a perfect throne for you to climb onto. He's still in his boxers, his bulge straining against the damp material, and you tease him with a smug smirk, asking if he'd already cum in his pants just from eating you out, like a dirty little perv?

He desperately moans out his No, no, promise I didn’t, held it all back to fill inside you, please- He becomes breathless from your mean hands that tease his cock further through his boxers. When he tried to redirect you, guiding your hand under his boxers to where he really needs it, you shove him away and tell him to keep his hands to himself. You demand to know why he thinks he deserves to put his gross, sticky cum anywhere near your sweet, precious hole, is he at least going to use some manners and ask politely?

Max pants, face flushed and blonde strands attractively stuck to his forehead as he feverishly begs you, please, schat, he needed to be inside of you so bad, he couldn't take it, hadn't he been so good for you already? You can tell your fiance is close to his tipping point, and you almost send him over the edge with a smooth motion as you slip his fully erect, huge cock out of his boxers and start lazily jerking him off. Sliding your fingers into his mouth for him to lick, you smirk as he does exactly that. Using his spit on your hands to give him a couple good pumps - making his breath hitch as he struggles to hold back his orgasm - you guide his throbbing length to your dripping pussy, which is so ready for a second round.

Max screws his eyes shut, head thrown back, as you wickedly torment him some more, dragging his tip teasingly along your puffy lips, drenching him with your slick. His hands dig into the sofa, desperately trying to resist the urge to touch you like you'd ordered him to earlier. And when you finally sink down on him, all the way to his base, he's moaning and begging again, tears in the corner of his eyes as you slowly ride him - edging his poor cock with the relief of your tight, warm cunny but not giving it quite enough pressure. And when your thighs are starting to get tired from the effort, and Max has ripped holes on your sofa while gripping the fabric, you know it's time to let him take control again.

Guiding his hands gently to your waist, you lean forward into his firm chest to whisper Maxie, baby, it's too much for you, can he please help you out and make you cum again-

His eyes snap open, wide blue eyes coming to stare into your pleading doe ones as you hand the power over to him, all dished up on a silver platter with a pretty please. He brings his forehead forward to lean against yours, your ragged breaths meeting as you feel shivers run up your spine in anticipation of what’s coming. Then, with an all too familiar smirk returning to his face, he tightens his hands into a bruising grip on your waist and easily begins bouncing you up and down on his fat cock. His wide thighs, which had been straining in an effort to hold back, now flex as he thrusts deeply into you from below, making you wail at the furious change in pace and you're screaming his name, proving once again just how good he makes you feel. You two barely last another few seconds before you're cumming, your name on his lips as he pumps an obscenely thick creampie into you.

You stay like that for a while, sweaty and tangled in each others arms, exchanging gentle kisses and loving affirmations with him still deep inside you, until sleep starts to take over. Later, after you'd showered because wow, that had been a particularly filthy session, you find yourself stroking his damp hair as he lies against your chest, the rest of his body on the bed to keep the weight off you. Thank you, liefje, he murmurs sleepily against you. At your inquisitive hmm? he presses a loving kiss to your skin, telling you his thanks was for always knowing how to calm me down. For always bringing me back home. I love you.

You smile in the dark, warmth blooming across your chest as you press a kiss to his head. Always, Max, just like you do for me. I love you too.

---------------------------------------------------------

A/N: SOO i never thought i'd write this but after zandervoot im manifesting the return of max supremacy with this. had to rewrite a bunch of times cause genuinly couldn’t picture max as sub instead of dom so lmk what u guys think!! Also… should i do a part 2 where its the reader with daddy issues instead hehehe 😼😼😮‍💨

[naamahdarling]

You know what? You know what I think?

I think that if we lived as we were meant to, in larger intimate ("extended family") groups and with more shared labor and time to do it (UBI NOW) people like me would not feel so useless and burdensome because there would be people around to help and to do what neurodivergent people can't while making valuable space for the neurodivergent to do what they ARE good at.

The way we live right now, all right, the way we live right now forces units of two adults to be able to do EVERYTHING or PAY to have someone come do it for them. I have to do the housework. I have to do it! But I am having to do a million different things and most of them I am not good at. I suck at them.

I wouldn't feel like shit, okay, if I had more than one other person around who was not a child and who could do the things I can't, like do the yard and cook and do repairs and basic maintenance; and someone else to split everything else that I like but is too much for me. It would free me to do what I am good at and enjoy. Cleaning, as in the sink and toilet, the windows, the blinds. Taking out trash. Folding, hanging, and sorting laundry.

But because all the shit I can do often relies on other shit being done first, and I can't do or have trouble doing those things, the shit I can do often can't be done. And even the shit I can do, I can't do ALL of it. So I can't keep up, and things get very bad.

We aren't meant to live like this. We are not meant to live like this.

That thought hurts so much because being able to flee the birth family is integral to survival for so many people. I'm so afraid that living in larger family groups would create more opportunities for, say, queer kids to be isolated, rejected, bullied, and abused. But if we gave people enough money to survive, and stopped considering children the property of their parents with no system in place to help them escape bad situations except a system that is often just as bad, just different.

I'm aware that communes and collectives aren't all that successful and are kind of a joke. I don't mean that. I mean a fundamental shift to multigenerational families where taking in "strays" (which my family did) is also normalized so people escaping abuse into existing households was accepted, with these families centered in maybe a couple of different larger residences so not everyone has to buy and maintain their own fucking washing machine and vacuum cleaner, and so people can benefit from large group meals that yield leftovers, and so child and elder care can also be centralized.

Then disabled people and the neurodivergent and sick and injured people, and pregnant people, and grieving people, would not have to either labor through all those stressors or consign themselves to living off an unlivable pittance or being put under legal guardianship.

I'm not saying anything new. People live like this in other parts of the world and maybe it sucks and I am wrong. But I'm just really mad right now because I can either do laundry or clean the sink but not both, and I really think we could improve society somewhat by making it so I did not have to choose one without sacrificing the other.

[afewfantasies]

Lucky Strike 🎯 🎱 - HISTORY- II

PREVIOUS CHAPTER

Pairing: Benny Cross (Bikeriders) X Reader

Summary: Benny deals with the personal ramifications of his joyride & learns about the precincts unexpected guest after a night of being in the doghouse with Kathy.

Warning: Mentions of DV and substance abuse. Neither are descriptive or in the current timeline of the story they are reflections of the past.

Word count: 1.3K

Getting to the house felt like it took twice as long while Johnny drive Benny home with Kathy in the back seat and Bruce following behind with Benny’s bike. The tension was getting to be too much for Benny and half of the reason he’d been going on a joyride. He’d grown up in a household that argued and it was why he shut down most times instead of going at it with Kathy. Johnny bids him a farewell with an apologetic look having not time to talk as Brucie puts the keys to his bike in Benny’s hands.

“Come by tomorrow we’ll talk” Johnny says with a serious tone.

“Ok, thanks guys” he nods before heading in with Kathy. He closes the door behind him and heads to the kitchen to find something to eat before Kathy really starts fussing. When it does start Kathy really does lean into it. Her points are valid but it wasn’t like Benny had become a bike rider after he’d met her. If that were the case she’d be on a solid foundation. But she’d fallen in love with an outlaw and then tried to change him. 

“And who was that woman there with Johnny? Never see you fellas with them kinda real fancy women” Kathy snaps. Benny hadn’t returned home to peace but all out war for the stupidity of his deeds and disregard for his lady and the family they were building. Kathy’s words not his.

“I was locked up how should I know?” Benny asks thinking of heading to stay with his father tonight as a means of stilling the argument.

“Fancy broad, all done up” Kathy explains as he gets a cigarette. “No smoking in my house!” She snaps.

“What am I locked up in here too!?” Benny snaps finally.

“You comparing my place to a jail after I just put all I had towards your bail? I’ll be eating from cans for the next two weeks” Kathy snaps.

“I didn’t ask you to do that Kathy and you should’t of if you’d resent me for it” he snaps lighting up as he exits the house. He sees her in the doorway as he revs his engine heading back to his father’s house. The drive is long and allows him to clear his head. When he gets out he sees people up playing cards in the middle of the night and nods a greeting before getting his keys. A foul smell hits him as he enters to find his father in a worse state than last time.

“Hi son” Mr. Cross says to his son.

“Pops” Benny nods heading into his bedroom. Sitting in his room be breathless fresh air opening the window and lighting another cigarette. His eyes hold your old window. No one hand heard anything about you since you’d left with the exception of one letter from your mother to Benny’s with a check for the money she’d borrowed and a note telling her that you and your mom were safe and doing well. There was no return address. Teaching over to his nightstand Benny opens his book of children’s stories to your favourite, a photo falls out. Looking at the old photo Benny smiles at your toothless grin. It was one of very few keepsakes he kept from childhood. The two of you had walked for miles on tiny legs to the fair. One of the carnies took pity on the two of you, fed you and gave you enough cash to do one thing. After an hour of contemplation you both decided on the photograph. It was a miracle you’d survived at all. He couldn’t think of things being any worse for children. 

He didn’t know why his mind was on you that night but people say when you dream of someone they’re thinking about you. Benny was the main character in tonights dream of yours as you reimagined a colourful life for him. Based on the news reports and his new friends. He was so handsome from the picture he gave James Dean a run for his money. Wherever you were he hoped you were happy, hoped things were going well and that one day he could see you again. Tomorrow he would to to see the guys and straighten out everything to do with his bail, then he’d find a way to repay Kathy. Maybe even leave her alone for awhile.

…

Benny feels more eyes on him than usual. Tensing he prays Kathy didn’t carry on too badly about his jail time. He finds Johnny across the room and heads over. Brucie gets up and Benny sits down unnerved, looking at Johnny.

“How fast were you going kid?” Johnny smiles. His demeanour is a shift from Benny’s expectation.

“I don’t know but I’ll pay the club back” Benny says ready to stand up. 

“No need kid, it was taken care of here, have a beer” Johnny says putting one in front of Benny. It’s surprising he’d seen what a bailout could do to the clubs treasury and with so many lately he knew the coffers were probably nearing empty.

“How? Kathy says you called up a woman?” Benny says describing you from Kathy’s recollection.

“Handle your old lady Benny, I don’t need the headache at home.” Johnny snaps. Not wanting the untrue tale to get back to his wife. Johnny hadn’t called you, he didn’t know you.

“Alright” Benny nods sharply.

“Besides, she wasn’t there for me, she was there for you.” Johnny tells Benny.

“I don’t know any women who dress that well” Benny mumbles lighting a cigarette. He’d been underprivileged before he’d become an outlaw. 

“Yeah? Well she knows you.” Johnny responds taking out the two day old paper, handing it to Benny he points to the death announcements. Skeptical at first Benny goes line by line stopping at a familiar name. A man whose death he’d prayed for often as a kid. Emotions overtake him and suddenly he feels like the chair he’s sitting in is unsteady and the clubhouse is spinning around him.

Sitting back Benny recalls the last time he cried. It had been a tearful goodbye because of the very name he was looking at. The two of you were holding onto each others hands for dear life, with fear for the unknown as your mothers pulled you apart. Your mother trying to get you to the car before your dad returned home from 60 days in jail, while Benny’s mother tried to get him back inside. You were only kids and you were both wailing. Your father had gone on a tear and really did damage to your mother before nearly turning on you. It had been Benny screaming into the phone like a void that made the police rush over to avert a homicide. It was the first and last time he called them. He’d been trying to save your life and had lost you anyway. Once separated you both watched each other tearfully until you were no longer in each other’s sights as the taxi cab drove away. The memories flow in and he remembers how powerless the two of you had been. Remembers that you were the only person that ever really fought for him. Swallowing he gets goosebumps, he’d just been thinking of you last night.

“Y/N?” Benny asks, your name carrying with it a ghost of hope.

“Y/N, where’d you meet a dame like that?” Johnny asks making Benny smile.

“You sure?” He can’t hide his excitement.

“I’m sure Benny, she came in all done up” Benny smirks recalling the somewhat wild and unkept child from his memory. “The guys were nearly drooling, she’s a looker with good instincts.” Johnny says. Leaving Benny to ponder those thoughts.

“She married?” Benny asks.

“I didn’t look at her hands” Johnny admits as Benny tries to visualize the new image of you in his mind. He was relieved that you seemed to be alright, thriving and beautiful but his heart hoped against hope that you’d found forgiveness for such a sorry excuse of a man.

“How do you know her?” Johnny repeats drawing Benny from his thoughts.

“Neighbours, as kids” Benny mumbles getting up. “Gotta run” he says getting back on his bike suspended license and all.

________

NEXT CHAPTER

Authors note:

Thanks so much for reading🩵 🎆 ! Don't forget to comment, like and reblog.

FOR FUN i'm curious to see what you think. Respond without reading the other comments:

Where's Benny headed next do you think?

Who's death announcement was in the paper?

Would you bail Benny out no questions asked, no resentment?

Tags: @mrsalwayswrite @ughdontbeboring @astrogrande

[daydreamcloudshiding]

#2 Astrology Observations

Juno-Chiron conjunction isn't always healing. In fact, i tend to find this in couples where they stay in the relationship for a very long time but the whole time, the relationship is very emotionally abusive

People with Pluto dominants are naturally suspicious of others, but it's not like they have bad intentions towards others. They naturally will try to find as much informations as possible about you if they really like you to determine if you're a safe person or not. Pluto, although people often will see their dark sides, is a water sign after all. They are very protective of their inner world and emotions

Another thing with Pluto dominant people is that they can feel easily insecure with themselves. They don't show it to others directly, but this is how they get that jealous streak. If they feel like someone might replace them or overpower them in anyway, they will feel like they need to defend themselves, whether in career, relationship, etc. If this is undeveloped, they can even get jealous or competitive with their own partner. This doesn't always mean a bad thing, however, the healthy Pluto dominants are actually very powerful and they are very sure of themselves, not easily swayed by anything. Pluto is fixed energy, after all. If developed, they will be so powerful and people naturally feel so inspired by them. They know not to mess with them

Cancer woman have that timeless beauty about them, they can rock any styles from any era and they will look good

I personally don't like Neptune-Sun or Neptune-Ascendant aspects in synastry because the Neptune person tend to project certain fantasy onto the Sun/Ascendant person so much and when the reality hits them, they get so disappointed that they will blame the Sun/Ascendant person for "fooling them". But really, it's an unconscious thing. The Sun/Ascendant person oftentimes don't even realise that they're being so idealised

The water signs are so sexualised

I find immature Capricorns and Taurus are the people who will stay in emotionally toxic environment as long as there's money. It could be a job, toxic household, or even relationship. Like i get it, everyone love money, but it can be so emotionally and mentally draining. When they mature, they will see money more as a tool that they get to use, instead of something that they hold on to so tightly that they are willing to sacrifice their own wellbeing for

People with North node in Libra truly need to learn to compromise because i've met a lot of them who burn a lot of bridges, only to later regret it. They are so competitive and defensive and very hard to see that others are not out to get them

Mars-North node synastry can be so healing where the Mars person will show the North node person what healthy boundaries should look like. However, there might be issue where the North node person can see how different they both are when they respond to conflict, which might make themselves feel so frustrated. Their instinct will tell them to do one thing, and the Mars person will do the exact opposite

Libra Ascendant in composite will make other people perceived them as the "It" couple. This is like "Ah, they have found their soulmate". Even if they break up, people generally will be reluctant to let go of this couple. This is like your family/friends will continue to ask you about that one ex even after you guys break up for years

Taurus/Cancer moon in composite is so cute because this is like "I'll cook for you" or "I'll wait for you at home" or "I've prepared this meal for you" or "Come here and let me comfort you" type of vibe. This feels so safe and healing, like coming home. This also make other people see them like "Person A is belong to person B no matter what, only they can truly understand each other"

Capricorn placement are the true stoics even without trying. They are so resilient

Neptune in 4th house composite is that type of couple who often imagine what their “dream home” would look like even before they get married, even if they don’t plan to take the relationship seriously in the beginning. When they’re together, both will see each other as someone that they can create their dream home with. An example for this would be that one might have express something about wanting to buy a house in X city, and the other will start to imagine what the house would look like, the neighbourhood, the room for the kids, etc. Both would love the idea of this. But that’s the thing with Neptune, it’s a mere idea. In reality, both might even struggle in making this dream home come true. It's hard to put together proper plan to achieve this "dream home". However, the couple will naturally feel at home with each other, emotionally and spiritually. That’s why it’s so easy for them to imagine creating this dream home together

I find that Virgo woman are a lot of ambitious than Virgo man. A lot more critical too. Most Virgo man that i’ve met are very chill

One of my favorite aspect in synastry and composite is Pallas-Moon. Both feel nurtured and the Moon person emotional needs is fulfilled

Vertex conjunct Chiron couple mostly are destined to meet in this lifetime to learn something really hard regarding love. If one happens to have the same sign in natal chart as in composite/synastry, this will effect this person more. For example, if you have Vertex-Chiron in Libra in composite or synastry with someone and it's just so happen that you also have Libra Chiron in your natal, it'll effect you more. I'm sorry but this is definitely not my fav aspect. The mental and emotional anguish that comes with this aspect is too much. If this also conjunct Juno, it'll be so hard to leave the other person. There'll be re-traumatization again and again. You will hate their guts so much and vice versa but refused to let go of each other.

[jangofettjamz]

Unlovable Child

Jenna Ortega x Autistic!Male!Reader

Warnings: Child abuse

2nd Person POV

"I'm going out of town for a week to see my parents" you tell Jenna. The two of you were snuggled up together on the couch, binge watching The Mandalorian on Disney+.

"Oh, do you want some company?" Jenna offered to which you shook your head no. Your parents wasn't exactly the gold standard when it comes to parenting, in fact they'd probably win an award as being one of the worst.

You've never discussed your parents with Jenna because of this, not wanting her to be involved with them due to their toxic nature. You feared that exposing them to her would only cause more trouble than its worth.

"You sure you don't want me to come with? I can--"

"No no you really don't have to" you said, cutting her off a little too quickly to go unnoticed. She gave you a look of suspicion, knowing there was likely some underlying tension between your parents and you.

You tried to put her at ease "I-I mean... they haven't seen me for a while... I wouldn't want to overwhelm them by introducing you to them... y'know given your fame and all. No offence"

Your stuttering and lack of a believable reason wasn't enough to ease Jenna's growing concern for you, but she smiled anyway, which in turn made you smile. You knew she wasn't convinced.

She pulled you in closer, making sure you were nestled into her chest. She had a feeling deep down that you were keeping something from; something terrible. Anxiousness flooded her nervous system, making her rethink about letting you go.

Her heartbeat quickened because of this, something you caught by having your head on her chest. "Jenna? Are you okay?" You asked.

She looked at you and smiled to put you at ease "Everything's fine, sweet boy. Everything's okay." She reassured, kissing your forehead to ease your worries.

But it wasn't her you were worried about, it was meeting your parents for the first time in years. The last time you spoke to your parents was 2 years prior, just before you moved out for your new job, just before you met Jenna for the first time. It didn't exactly end on the greatest of terms.

You parents were vile; abelists who took pleasure in calling you the most horrid of insults for their own sick pleasure. It made them feel better about themselves, like they were superior. They were never proud of you, even though your academics should make them so. They could never be proud of someone like you, someone who was autistic.

Of course, with many dysfunctional households come with their fair share of physical abuse, which in your case was fairly common place. The slightest of mistakes ended in severe punishment, that being knocking a drink over, talking to loudly .etc.

You were deemed a failure in the eyes of your parents despite everything you've accomplished in school, your well paying job; it meant nothing. You were never good enough for them. You were simply too much of a "spaz" to love. You were nothing to them, only when money was an issue were you of any use.

You held Jenna a little tighter just think about this. Painful memories from your past flashed through your mind, reminding you of the awful people they were.

But you maybe they had changed, maybe they realised the error of their ways, you naively thought to yourself, only setting yourself up for a meeting that would inevitably send you crashing down.

But you had to believe. "They have changed. Of course they changed, they only said and did all that stuff to make me into the man I am today. They love me. Don't they?"

- 1 day later

Jenna was on the phone with her director discussing filming dates. She was currently working multiple films at once and needed to negotiate dates so that it wouldn't impede on her schedule.

You always admired how she could do so many films at once, though, you wished she would take a break sometimes as it can tire her out.

Jenna's phone call was immediately interrupted by the sound of the door opening revealing your figure. "Mark I'm gonna have to call you back" she hangs up the phone, confused as to why you were back 6 days earlier than anticipated.

You were wearing sunglasses, unusual considering the weather outside was quite gloomy. Perhaps you just felt like wearing them, she thought to herself.

"Hi, baby boy." She kisses your cheek, but noticed that it looked awfully red and... swollen? "You're back early. Did everything go okay down there?" Jenna asked to which you nodded with a smile, albeit a dishonest smile.

"Yeah everything went great, just gad to cut the trip short because they were busy and stuff. My parents are busy people after all" you say in a somewhat cheery tone. The swollen part of your face was pulsing, as though the nerve endings in your face had been set alight.

Jenna continued to examine your face, still finding it strange that you haven't taken off your shades yet. "Wait, he wasn't even wearing shades when he left. Why was he wearing them now?" She thought, trying to ascertain the situation.

She noticed your hands were shaking; odd considering you were always calm around her most of the time and it wasn't cold indoors because of the heating. One of your arms was holding your stomach too.

All this information, combined with the fact that your back 6 days ahead of schedule is enough to tell Jenna that something was very very wrong.

"Hey babe can you take off those glasses for me? I wanna see those pretty eyes of yours." She asked sweetly, forceful was not the right approach. You looked at her, trying to strum up a lame excuse not to oblige.

"No!" He exclaims, catching Jenna off guard. You quickly try to come up with a better excuse. "I mean i-it's really bright in here Jenna, my eyes are kinda tired from driving, y'know" you play off terribly, adding a smile to try and convince otherwise.

Jenna isn't buying it, you know this. She's too smart. "Y/N your face is bright red, and swollen" His smile quickly drops. "Your hands are shaking too, and I can see a cut behind your hair. You and I both know it isn't cold in here and that cut is recent too." She exhales sadly, turning her attention too your stomach "You're holding you're stomach babe, like you're in pain. What happened over there?"

You panic, you knew she wasn't an idiot but you can't bare to let her find out about your parents, about your past. It was too embarrassing, she'd surely leave you for not being man enough to fight back. That what your father had conditioned you to believe, that you weren't a real man because of your condition, that you were sub-human.

"I-I d-dont--" "let me see your eyes, my love" bowing your head in defeat, you allowed Jenna to remove your shades, the sight horrified her, sending shivers down to the deepest depths of her soul. She gasped, her hands covering her mouth as you she saw the damage.

A massive purple bruise covered your right eye, the eye itself was completely red. The area around the eye was completely swollen too. The left eye was also bruised, not as bad but still bruised nonetheless.

Anger bubbled within Jenna, the prospect of someone hurting her baby was sickening to her, she knoew this had to be your parent's doing. "They did this to you, didn't they"

"W-what no! They would never do this to me. My family love me, Jenna. They do" you tried convince her, you tried to convince yourself mostly. Tears pricked at your eyes, stinging even more due to the beating you took.

"Honey... why would they do this to you? What happened?" She asked gently with a tinge of sadness in her tone. You couldn't keep up with the lie any longer.

You took a deep breath. You wanted to tell her what happened, tell her about the desperation you felt when your father's belt connected with your back. How your mother held you down as he did it, beating and beating and beating you for being the spaz who disappointed his parents just by looking at him. She held your hands "It's okay. It's just me. Just Jenna"

A single tear fell down your cheek causing Jenna to wipe it away. "They wanted money..." you started, taking a deep breath before continuing "They wanted money that were apparently "owed" for not getting rid of me. I said no, and I'm sure you can imagine how they reacted to that. They beat me, Jenna. They both did. I couldn't stop them, I tried as hard as I could but they kept..." you sniffled, holding back what would have been a giant sob.

"They kept pummelling me with the belt, punching me in the stomach. Mom held me down and I couldn't anything. They said I was unlovable... I'm unlovable, Jenna!" He broke down completely, falling onto his knees. Your emotions that you'd been holding since you left your parents had escaped, the dull pain now fresh again.

Jenna lifted the back of your shirt to find the purple lashes that layed there, where your father had taken out his anger with the belt. She immediately held you, her own eyes tearing up at your broken state. You clung to her like a lifeline.

"Shhhh, its okay baby. You're safe now. You're safe with me again." He whales in anguish and pain, his sobs became louder as each one left his mouth.

"Jen it hurts" you said like a scared child, exactly what you were at your parent's house.

Upon hearing this Jenna decided it was best for you to lay down on your side to avoid laying on your lashed back. "Come on, honey let's lay you on the couch. Lay on your side for me, my sweet." You did as instructed.

She lifted up your top to see the bruises on your stomach, purple and still fresh. She was going to annihilate your parents, but that comes later. "I'm gonna go get an ice pack, then we're taking you to the hospital"

"No! No! Please no doctors!" You pleaded

She knelt down and stroked your hair to out you at ease as best she could "Shh shh shh, don't think about that now okay. Let me go get an ice pack for your stomach. I'll be right back." She left quickly for the ice, returning as quickly as she left.

She lifted up your shirt and let you get ready for the ice. "On three. One. Two. Three." She presses the ice to your abdomen, the cooling sensation soothed the pain little by little bringing you great relief. "Good boy baby, you being so brave for me" she cooed, kissing the top of his head.

She held the ice pack as you writhed in pain on the couch. Her free hand alternates between rubbing your arm and combing through your hair. She placed little kisses on your swollen cheek, not hurting at all when she did.

The recollection of events that played in your mind caused you to cry again. Jenna brought your head into her neck as she held you close, her skin absorbing most of the tears. "Oh baby, please don't cry. You're not unlovable. You're my very beautiful boy who I love so very very much. They don't deserve you."

You held onto her tight, thinking how lucky you were to have such a wonderful woman in your life. Your parents would've definitely said you didn't deserve her, and maybe you didn't. But that didn't detract from how much you loved her, and appreciated her.

"I love you, Y/N. I love you with every fibre of my being" hearing this made you smile out of pure gratitude and love.

"I love you too, Jenna" you say, voice still wobbly from crying. You pulled your head from the crook of her neck and the two of you just smile at each other, you took in the beauty of her face while Jenna gazed upon your battered one. She pulls you in for a gentle kiss, a long kiss that you desperately needed.

"Bubs we do need to get your tummy looked at. We'll call my mom to have a look at you, but we may need to go to the hospital if it's bad. We can do all that tomorrow though, just rest in my arms for now. Can you do that for me?" You nodded your head "I won't let them get away with this Y/N. Mark my words they're finished."

You'd never seen Jenna this angry, but it brought a strange sense of reassurance, like everything was going to be okay. "Can we watch a movie? I wanna take my mind off of this"

"Of course we can, bubs. What do you wanna watch? Empire strikes back?" She asked, knowing how much you loved that movie. You nodded making her smile and kiss you again.

She layed down next to you, inviting you to curl up next to her and lay your head on her chest. "You're not unlovable, flower. You're a very loveable and amazing person." You smile at her words, Jenna loved you very much and today was evidence of that.

She cradles your body in her arms, still feeling you tremble from everything that has happened. It would be a long road to you heal from this but she'd be with you the whole way there.

She gently rocks you while you watch the film, the sight of Darth Vader igniting your child-like love that Jenna adored.

"Hey bubs, promise you'll never think yourself as unlovable. Promise me that my love."

"I promise." You say, even though you still didn't fully believe it. Your parents words still hurt.

"Good boy. My special beautiful boy"

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for calling a (now ex-) mutual a stingy asshole?

So to start, I (NB20) am in a pretty rough situation, I'm facing homelessness soon, transphobia at home and work and my hours have been getting cut resulting in me making even less money that can sustain me. I have a toyhou.se forum post up stating I have emergency commissions open to help me out and to please support me if you can. This is where the situation begins. I have a mutual on toyhou.se who I'll call Apple (MTF22) I talk to sometimes to the point I'd say we are friends, not super close but friends nonetheless. She made a bulletin telling people about my commissions and to please comm me if they could which I'm very grateful for since I did get a few customers from her because of that. The thing is, a few weeks later, she made a bulletin talking about how happy she was so many commissions she bought were finished around the same time and posted all of them with the artists tagged in the post. It was honestly... quite a few, I'm talking like 9 pieces of art of her fursona and even a custom vtuber model she got of her sona. I was going to reply all happy for her, but it made me think... how much did she spend on those commissions?? So I went through all the artists socials to find their commission prices and came to a total of fucking $385!!! More than half of my current goal I'm trying to make through commissions to stay out of homelessness!! So I messaged Apple saying since I saw she bought a few commissions if she was interested in buying a comm from me. She replies saying "Ohh! I'd love to <333 but im just not in a place to buy any more comms right now :< sorry >.<!!" So I casually reply really? because it seems like your in the perfect place to help me out after already spending over $300 in commissions. She tells me she's sorry and really wishes someone would be able to help me out but she just wasn't that interested in my art or a custom to which I tell her she could've easily donated to my ko-fi which I have always had since she clearly has money to spend? To this, she straight up IP blocks me. So still fucking annoyed, I vented in a discord server I share with a few friends from being in a few shared CS together, saying how annoying it is rich assholes like her would drop half a thousand for a picture of their fursona but don't even blink twice at their so called friends. anyway, one of my friends takes a look at Apples th profile and notices she has a new bulletin up and sends me a screenshot, but anways the bulletin reads like "hey!! just saying, but please dont come into my dms acting like you know my financial situation better than i do, just because i buy a lot of commissions doesnt mean im made of money! and please dont think that me commisioning artist 1 means i hate artist 2? thats so weird, thanks!!!!!" and seeing all their subscribers just kissing her ass pissed me off so i made my own bulletin that just stated "i thought it was pretty fucking weird to know how bad ur friend's situation was and to go buy a bunch of comms instead of buying a comm from or even throwing a buck to help me out? like yeah im gonna think i know ur situation better than u, you stingy fuck!!!" Anyway, she mustve been block evading (which I reported her for) since she unblocked me, took a screenshot of my bulletin, then went on about how she lived in an abusive household; her dad had thrown her into a sink and chipped her tooth, bruised half her face and scarred it pretty badly. She bought a bunch of commissions immediately afterwards in a panic to make herself feel better, paying everything with her savings. Which to me.. isn't an excuse. Ive been hit and abused and still found scraps of money to pull together to give to mutuals who need it and Ive been bumping my own post like crazy and she had literal weeks to donate or comm me. Not to mention Ive had exmutuals of hers come to me saying that shes never donated anything to them either despite advertising their posts but always had money for plushies, comms and other crap, meaning Im not alone in thinking shes a stingy asshole. This is getting long, so here, tumblr AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[the-californicationist]

Good Fences (Fluffuary #21)

FEB21: True Compliment

TW: very vague, brief mention of non-MC child verbal abuse and student advocacy

Your work had been truly awful lately. A student was trying to escape a situation involving verbal abuse, and the school that they attended had never handled a case like this before. It was a small community, and while you were trying your best to be patient, you really needed the documents to be processed emergently in order to get resources to the student and their family members. 

You had been on the phone all afternoon, pressing for urgency. Then, finally, you were told that you could come pick up the documents from the district the next morning, so you hung up, exhausted. 

John had been working as well, but he was running around and doing all of the household tasks on your behalf, making sure you could focus on your case. He brought you lunch, coffee, and dinner, and he even pulled out the massage oil and offered to give you a rub down as soon as you were finished with the report. 

“Really, John?” You beamed, tired though you were, “That would be so nice. Thank you.”

“Lay down, pretty girl. Let me take care of you for a change,” he said as he warmed the oil up in his hands. 

You stripped for him, laying across the bed where he had put down a soft towel. 

He started at your shoulders, gentle at first, warming your skin and feeling the tension in your muscles.

“Such a hard worker. I love watching you fight for your students, love. You’re like a damn tiger.”

“Someone has to be,” you sighed, feeling him run his hands down your sides, petting the stress away.

“Do you need me to come with you tomorrow?” John offered. 

“That would be really kind of you. If you have time,” you agreed, but you didn’t want to burden him. It was a short drive, and you could handle it. It would be nice to spend the morning together, though. 

“It’s my pleasure, love.”

John focused on your lower back, and you felt the heat of his touch on such a sensitive area spread through your belly and into your core, exciting you as much as it relaxed you. 

You let out a low moan, and he chuckled,

“You make the most gorgeous sounds, pretty girl. One moan and you’ve already got me achin’ for you.”

You sighed, smiling at his compliment, 

“You’re the one who makes me sound like this, John. Mmm, it’s those huge hands of yours. So strong, but so gentle with me.”

He used his hands to press and roll the aches out of your back, and then, indulgently, he moved lower and began to massage your ass cheeks. It actually felt incredibly relaxing, except it was making you incredibly turned on. Your body was turning into putty, becoming so pliant for him, and he could feel the way you melted from his touch. 

“Alright, love. Flip over.”

You looked up at him confused, 

“What?”

“Time to get the front,” he said, his face full of mischief. 

“John!” You gasped, laughing. But, you followed his command. 

He didn’t touch you at first. Instead, he knelt down and leveled his gaze with yours, bringing his face to your level as you lay on the bed. 

“I meant what I said, love,” he put his hand on your neck and rubbed his thumb across your jawline, petting you like something precious, “You are so brave. I admire your courage.”

You reached out for him, cupping his cheek, and brought him in for a soft kiss,

“Thank you, baby. That means a lot coming from you.”

[delicatenerdbluebird]

My Random Takes on The Secret History (contains spoilers)

The biggest tragedy that comes with being Richard Papen coded is you need a group like Julian's Greek class to feel normal about yourself because the rest of the world makes you feel like a misfit.

That Richard and Camilla scene where she reveals being physically abused by Charles... I feel that scene is a strong criticism of abusive households. Like Richard was used to seeing his mother getting beaten by his father and sometimes he was also a victim of his violence. And in 'that' scene, he fantasizes about doing the same to Camilla and worse. This shows it's a never-ending cycle no matter how you see it. The kids are gonna end up developing fucked up fantasies if their exposure to fucked up things is constant.

I strongly believe Henry was gonna make Richard the scapegoat had something gone sideways. And honestly, it makes perfect sense. Richard insisted on joining their class. He was an outsider. Henry could have easily made up something like Richard was envious of their group, he was jealous of his and Bunny's closeness and so he ended up killing him, something along those lines that Richard wanted to be accepted and we would not accept him instantly, naturally because of our prior history. Knowing how Henry was good with words, he could have made Richard an obsessive, disturbed freak to the FBI for all we know. Remember how Henry saved him from getting frozen to death? This incident can be perfectly used to portray him as a mentally disturbed person who would rather freeze to death than go back to his home to a normal eye.

Now Julian. Oh, Julian I knew was the red flag the moment it was mentioned he does not accept students who have different ideas than his. But to think that fucker would turn out to be the biggest crankiest bitch?!! I mean I am soo mad he was the one who fed those Dionysiac ideas to them and in the end, he just ran away?! I was baffled by how he treated Henry during that confession scene he did not even listen to him completely... Henry does not stutter HE WAS STUTTERING and Julian shoved the letter back to him... I mean the disrespect! This scene (for me at least) was a reality check that no matter how loving, cool, caring, and impactful you might think your teacher is, at the end of the day, they are gonna be a teacher and you are gonna be just a student. It destroyed my heart when Henry said he loved Julian more than his own father 😭 The worst thing you can do is take advantage of the vulnerabilities of someone who not only respects you but also loves you dearly. This mf can move mountains and I would still hate his old rat ass!

Charles and Camilla Idek what to make of them. Charles turned from a pitiable character to an entirely disgusting one for me. I accept Francis' theory that he wouldn't have made that much fuss about his interrogating situation if Camilla and Henry weren't a thing. Remember when Camilla and Henry had some secret code and he got mad why he didn't know about it? I do think camilla and henry were always a thing before it became apparent to everyone. Besides the book is from Richard's perspective, and he does seem oblivious at times.

I am not aware of the popular takes in the fandom so I don't know if this is gonna be a hot take or not but Camilla gave pick-me-girl vibes. She did not have any girl friends and looked down upon Judy (I am not asking them to be besties exactly but a little respect won't have killed) Judy only developed a weird impression about them during that party scene when Camilla dropped her drink onto her and did not apologize (or was it the opposite? i dont remember exactly but the point is Judy is not the type to judge others for no reason...she judged them after that party) Camilla's attitude could be attributed to the fact that Charles was controlling but idk

The Secret History reminded me of The Hollow Men by T.S. Eliot (some of the verses below):

We are the hollow men

    We are the stuffed men

    Leaning together

    Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!

    Our dried voices, when

    We whisper together

    Are quiet and meaningless

    As wind in dry grass

    Or rats' feet over broken glass

    In our dry cellar

   

    Shape without form, shade without colour,

    Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

So basically I am yapping here because my friend hasn't finished tsh yet and I just needed to let it all out 😩

Not to mention I absolutely love my expensive gossip boy Francis 🥺 ☕

(Thank u for reading it this far!!)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi, im an 18 year old pre-transition trans guy and ive grown up in an incredibly repressive fundie household which has caused me to really struggle both socially and with my sexual development. ive been homeschooled nearly my whole life and am currently getting everything set up to enroll for college this fall, this will be my first time living away from my abusive household and im very nervous about it..

anyhow, im in a really really weird situation right now. because of my shelteredness ive always been extremely isolated irl, ive never had a consensual romantic or sexual experience irl and all of my friends are online friends. well, one of my online friends (a cis guy who i knew from an online forum) and i started fooling around a bit, flirting and then eventually very explicit conversations, trading nudes and sexual video calls. we were extremely emotionally close and the relationship was pseudo-romantic but we both agreed we didn't want to do online dating after both of us having a bad experience with it previously.

this whole situation allowed me to experiment sexually more than i ever have, and i really felt more sexually confident than i ever have.

when we met, he told me he was freshly 19. and for the whole relationship i was under that impression, he didn't give me any reason to doubt it. but two days ago he couldn't handle lying anymore and revealed that he was 15. needless to say that was an incredible shock and i dealt with it as responsibly as i think i can.

the reason i'm coming to you about this is because i feel really weird about the whole thing, i dont blame myself for believing him and im not mad at him because i understand what lead him to those choices, but now i feel really awkward about all of the good things i got out of the situation before the reveal.. this was my first time ever really doing "real" sexual stuff with someone (beyond just texting i mean, i had never exchanged nudes or done vidoe calls like that before) everything sexual i encounter now makes me feel awkward because of all of this, its really weird and uncomfortable and i don't know what to do :(

im not sure what im hoping to get out of telling you this but i can't really talk about this to anyone else i feel like, so i guess i just wanted to get it off my chest

(if anyone responds to this accusing me of taking advantage of him or not handling the situation correctly, firstly you have basically no context and secondly you don't know what i did to take care of the situation. let me and my close friends be the ones to judge how i handled it, this is an extremely complicated situation for me to be in and you being judgmental does nothing positive for it.)

hi anon,

oofah doofah, what a sucky situation.

I totally understand feeling grossed out by the reveal; those feelings are real and deserve recognition. it's not nice to be lied to, especially when the truth casts all of your previous experiences in a totally different light - and a much scarier one, since you could very well have been breaking the law by exchanging nudes with a 15 year old, depending on where you live! this person could have gotten you in huge trouble by lying, which makes this whole situation that much worse.

having said that, you don't need to feel good about having had a good time and having gotten some positive experiences out of this dynamic. you were enjoying a relationship that you had every reason to believe was above board and it did great things for your sexual confidence! that's not retroactively untrue just because you were being misled; all of the good things you felt are still real.

think of it this way: when a couple breaks up there's often a urge to feel that they've been wasting their time together, that all of the energy and devotion they brought to their relationship was ultimately a waste because they didn't die together in bed holding hands at the tender age of 107. but that isn't true! no relationship is a waste of time, and even when things don't work out, that doesn't mean the good things didn't count. every time those people made each other laugh, everything they encouraged each other to try, every new thing they experienced together, every time they had sex, every meal they shared - all of these are real and matter and helped shape them for the better, even if they ended up parting ways as romantic partners.

the same is true for you. take your time to sit with your hurt at this loss and betrayal of your trust, but don't throw the good out with the bad. this wasn't ultimately a good relationship for you, but that doesn't mean it brought nothing of value into your life, and you can carry what you learned about yourself forward with you as you seek more appropriate partners :)

[billybangbang]

Fuck, he has a beard

Billy Butcher x reader

In this story, I made Becca Butcher's sister just because I can but also I think it would be interesting to see how he would be especially with a reader who acts like a big sister to Hughie.

Summary: Hughie is on a revenge path and Butcher is more than happy to help. He lost someone to the Supes too. His sister Becca. They came from an abusive household and after Lenny's death, Butcher gets his sister out of there too. The two moved to New York where Becca gets a job at Vought and soon after goes missing. Y/N older cousin of Hughie, wants to cheer him up with some takeout. She wants to have some dinner in the store after closing when some invisible shit decides otherwise. Entrance of some devilish handsome man named Butcher.

Y/N: She/her

Without describing the reader, I use neutral language as possible. However, some character traits:

The reader is older than Hughie

the cousin of Hughie

Due to some struggles early on in life she had a late start to Uni

She is over the normal college age but still doing her Master's

Disability struggles mentioned such as anxiety and later on going deeper into this issue and where her anxiety comes from

Slowburn and I mean SLOW.

Warnings Overall for the story: nudity, violence, sexual content, blood, gore, all the boys warnings basically. Smut in later chapters.

Non-native English speaker, and dyslexic

Prolog 

You were walking to your next class when you got the call. “Something happened to Robin.” You immediately felt your heart drop. The voice on the other side was shaky. Breathing in deeply you moved out of the mass of students trying to get to their next class. “Is - is she okay?” You watched the other students walk past you with smiles on their faces, chatting excitedly or sipping on their Chai Latte. All the while, you tried to hold it together, forcing a smile on your face even though your heart was pounding so hard you swore it would jump out of your chest any minute. “Y/N, she is dead.” Just like that, your younger cousin's girlfriend was gone. 

Today was Robin's funeral. God you hated funerals they made you so uncomfortable. Everyone was solemn and sad. But mostly, you hated to show your own feelings but whenever someone was crying you could not help but get choked up yourself. For the most part you had your hands interlocked pressed together to give you something else to focus on. Trying to breathe in slowly, easy, and steady. 

“Do you want me to come back with you, Hughie?” He just shook his head, his eyes red rimmed. He hadn’t spoken much since Robin’s death. Sometimes you wondered if he was still in shock. “I can stay with you for a couple of days,” you stepped closer, grabbing his hand. Desperately trying to make eye contact hoping to see anything but that shell shock look in them. “No, no, no, it’s fine,” he squeezed your hands before letting go and taking a step back, “I am fine.” He forced a smile and turned towards his dad who was waiting by the car. 

Chapter 1 

It had been a couple of days since you saw Hughie. You had called once but his dad picked up and told you about the settlement and how Hughie wanted to fight it. You could tell that Hughie Sr. was not happy about that and the resulting fight. Now, you were even more worried. Breathing in deeply you took your laptop and some snacks and made your way to the library. If Hughie wanted to file a wrongful death he needed all the help he could get. So for the next couple of hours you searched the internet for any kind of dirt you could find on the supes and some legal cases where family members actually filed for a wrongful death lawsuit. There weren’t many, at least in New York, where you focused on for now. From what you could tell several were dropped by the family, some dismissed by the judge and generally Vought won. In the small incidents the family did win, it was against some D-Lister Supe who did not receive support from Vought and was basically thrown to the sharks. How had you never noticed just how convoluted all this Supe stuff was? You had no idea how much help you would be for Hughie but all you could do was be there and support him. And maybe fight someone if he needed to. 

After you had researched, what felt like an eternity, yet in reality had only been two days, and compiled some stuff that made you feel like you could actually support your sweet, mild tempered cousin you packed up. It was time to see Hughie, even if he had ghosted you for the last couple of days. 

You walked downtown towards your guy's favorite Chinese Take-out place. You had picked up two portions of sweet and sour chicken, a white claw for him and some aloe vera drink for you. Hughie should get off work in the next 10 minutes. So you thought you could eat a late backroom dinner like you had done many times before. Usually you would get some food and once he closed up the shop you would eat and talk for a while in the backroom. Some days it was the best part of your day just goofing around with the lanky twink you call your cousin. 

Hughie didn’t even look up when you walked in. “We are closing soon, what can I help you with?” His tone was void of his normal happy customer voice. “I really need some forks,” for a second he looked confused. You held up the bags smiling at him. “Did someone order a backroom dinner?” He got up from his slouched position walking towards you with a smile, hugging you close to him. “God sometimes I forget how tall you are,” you reached up and tousled his hair. “Y/N what are you doing here?” “Well,” you lifted up the bags to say duh. 

“Close up for me, will ya?” Gary walked past you too. Immediately you crooked your head to the side and gave him a sweet smile. “Hi Gary.” He just grunted and walked out of the shop. “Damn one day I will make him my husband.” You joked. Hughie gave you a small chuckle for your antics, making you smile even more in return. “I’ll get the plates set up. You do whatever you do out here.” You waved him away as you made your way to the backroom. 

It had been five minutes when you heard Hughie exclaim: “What the fuck!” and a loud bang. You dropped whatever you had in your hands and ran towards the exit. Shit, shit, shit. You thought. Hughie better be giving whoever was jacking him up right now whatever they wanted. I mean it is New York, wasn’t the first time you had witnessed a mugging. But you were not prepared for what you saw when you spied through the backdoor into the shop. Hughie was lifted from the ground seemingly by nothing and flung across the room. What the fuck indeed. You pulled out your phone, only to realize that it had died. “Shit!” But in reality what would you do? Call the police? Yeah hey, so my cousin is getting attacked by air, yeah doubt that would fly. They’d just think you're some crackhead. 

You saw the TV being ripped from the wall and about to be brought down onto Hughie when somewhere in your shock you managed to grab the broom from the entrance. You ran out towards the floating TV, raising your broom, you screamed and swung. So not air, there was definitely something there. The broom shattered completely. You were just left with some splintered piece of wood in your hand. You let out a small nervous “ha” laugh, shrugging your shoulders as if to say my bad. 

“Who the fuck are you?” the invisible man replied. You took some steps back toward the back room again. What the hell are you gonna do now? “Y/N, run!” Hughie was still trying to catch his breath on the ground, struggling to get up. You were more than tempted to run but could you really leave Hughie here? Translucent lifted the TV again, and without thinking you stepped towards Hughie when suddenly a loud crash rang through the store. Jumping backwards you crouched down next to Hughie covering your head. 

A car? A fucking car just drove through the front. Jesus Christ what the hell was going on? You thought to yourself. Suddenly a tall man, with a dark beard and a large coat stepped out of the car. “Sorry about the mess.” The accent threw you off for a second but hey this is New York. Hughie and you stared in complete shock at him but he spared you guys no second glance. “You should fuck off, Hughie.” With that he stepped up to Translucent with a crowbar in hand. You just stared at him for a second before the stranger screamed. “Hughie, run!” 

Your senses kicked in again and you quickly helped your cousin up. Meanwhile in the background you could hear the Brit go. “Well, well, well, if it ain’t the invisible cunt,” before engaging in a fight with him. You put Hughies arm across your shoulder supporting him as you two made your way slowly to the back exit. But before you could leave, Hughie stopped you. The Brit was on the ground, bloody and about to be beaten with a crowbar. Before you could stop Hughie he crawled on the floor towards a cable that stuck out of the wall. “Hughie,” you hissed, “come back here.” Fuck! What an idiot. You were about to drag your cousin back by the ankles when the Brit kicked Translucent and everything went bright. You could hear the sizzling of the skin and his screams before everything went quiet with a thump. 

It took you a second to orient yourself and blink the bright spots from your vision but then you were just relieved to see Hughie standing there and the invisible shit on the ground. The Brit was already on his feet too, kicking Translucent for good measure. 

“What the hell is going on?,” you stepped up to Hughie hissing quietly to him while eyeing the Brit. Hughie couldn’t answer as the Brit spoke up. “Let’s get him in the boot.” Both you and Hughie looked at him in bewilderment. “What?” you said in unison. “Wait, wait what? Wait, what, what?” you cousin so eloquently elaborated on your what. 

The Brit, covered in blood, bent down and picked up Translucens legs, grunting as he nodded towards the car. “The trunk.” You had to give it to the stranger. He could definitely take a beating. The blood made his beard look even darker. And if it were any other circumstances you would have thought him handsome but right now was not the time to eyefuck a handsome, older stranger. 

“No,no, I mean, what are we-- , what are we - - what are we doing with him?” You had watched the exchange silently still reeling from the last 5 minutes. But it seemed like the two knew each other which was news to you. You had met all of Hughies friends, since you were older than him and since his mom left you always made sure to check in on him, protect him. Your friends used to joke that you had a grandma instinct, always pampering the younger ones. Taking Hughie and his friends out for ice cream and making Hughie hot chocolate when he had a nightmare. For a while you had lived in the Campbell household and once you had your own place you made sure to always make time for Hughie. 

Shaking your head, you took a deep breath. Get yourself together this is not a time to panic. Hughie needs you. You looked at him and all your grandmother's instinct kicked into high gear at the side of Hughies face covered in blood. Paying hardly any attention to the conversation going on around you. “Well, Hughie, you just off’d one of The Seven, mate.” “Me? I -- You-you hit him with a fucking car!” “Look, potato, fucking po-tah-to. We’re both in a shitload of trouble.” “Make that three,” you interjected. But neither of them paid you any mind you might as well have been invisible like that shit on the floor. You tried to keep up with their conversation but you felt like you had skipped the beginning of a book and were now in the middle of it with no idea what was going on. 

Wait, did he just say federal officer, FBI? What the hell was going on. You already knew once this shitty situation was over you would wring out even the smallest of detail about what the heck was going on out of Hughie. 

“Do you hear that? That’s the old bill,” you could hear the sirens clear as day and only getting louder. Shit you were so goddamn fucked. Before the Brit finished you were already moving, grabbing one of the arms of Translucent. What was the point in arguing? All the reports you had read the past few days flashed into your head. There was no winning here; you had to get rid of the body. No way in hell were you going to let whatever the fuck happened here ruin Hughies or your life. “So unless you want to explain why you’ve got America’s favorite invisible wanker dead on the floor, give us a fucking hand, will ya?” The guy crouched down again. It was the first time he had spared you a glance. It was quick, but you could feel the intensity behind it, the scan up and down your body before returning to the issue. You had met his slightly crazed stare head-on, not one to back down even if you wanted to. And by God did you want to, you wanted to grab Hughie and run but in no way was that going to happen. You could see Hughie panicking, his breath coming out in short puffs, his eyes wide. You wanted to do nothing more than help him calm down but this was taking too much time. You looked at him, willing him to look you in the eyes to convey just how urgent this was but before he met your eyes he snapped out of it. “Aw, shit!” Hugh grabbed the other arm and all of us started dragging the guy towards the car.

The Brit was not just tall, you noted but also fucking strong, while he was lifting the guy off the ground Hughie and you were barely strong enough to hold him up for a few seconds before he was dragging on the floor again. 

Once we got to the car, the Brit apparently had enough, and realized this was taking too long. He pushed you and Hughie off to the side. “Get the legs, would ya lad?” With one strong lift he had Translucent under the arms and up near the trunk. Quickly you and Hughie scrambled to get his legs up. “I need to do more cardio,” you whispered out of breath. The Brit shot you a lopsided smirk before smashing the trunk close. “Ain’t that a shame, but I can lend a hand if ya need it,” he said with a crooked smirk and a shake of his head. You just raised one of your eyebrows to say you think that line works? 

He walked past you, no scratch that, he sauntered passed you towards the driver side of the car. The sirens of the police now impossibly close. Hugh quickly got into the passenger seat while you scrambled into the back middle seat. For now you just let Hughie take the reins on the conversation. You just listened and observed to figure out exactly what was going on and how you could get your cousin and yourself out of it. You kept glancing at the Brit in the driverseat. Watching his jaw muscles flex under his rather nice looking beard. You had to admit you had a thing for men with beards, and you really wanted to reach out and feel it between your fingers. Once in a while he looked in the rearview mirror to check if the cops were following or to glance at you. Everytime you met his gaze head on. You knew the type. The type like him who dominated every room he walked into. The smirk, the sauntering cocky attitude. If you had learned anything about men like that you had to establish dominance from the get go. Show him that you were not some pushover, even if you felt like one on the inside. And truth be told you were freaking out, but putting on a smile when you did not want was one of your strengths. 

You looked from the blood on the side to his face, down towards the barely visible jawline underneath his beard, down to his coat, and up his arms. Your eyes landed on his hands, already forming bruises and covered in blood, holding onto the steering wheel. You expected to see his knuckles white from the strong grip he had but no, it almost felt like he was taking a joy ride. What kind of man was lazily holding the steering wheel after offing a man. 

Oh my god, you just off’d a man. Fuck, it hit you like a ton of bricks. You were in a car with a stranger and your sweetheart cousin. A body in the trunk and driving god knows where. Fuck how many times did you tell Hughie not to go to a second location with someone you don’t know. Yet, here you were doing exactly that. 

Thumb, Thumb. “Oh, thank fuck, he's alive.” Hughie exclaimed, while you froze in shock, still turned toward the trunk. “Yes, yes, he’s alive!. Okay, pull over.” A part of you was relieved the asshole was not dead. At least you did not have to add accessory to murder to your CV but another part of you, a bigger part, realized now that the guy was alive this shit was not over. Before you could voice your concern the Brit interjected. “No, no, no, Hughie, you don’t fucking get it.” But Hughie was having none of it. “Pull the car over.” “This is a fucksight worse. He’s seen our faces.” Hughie just stared at the guy confused and panic once again settling in. “Hughie,” you softly said, while leaning forward. “He is right.” You weren’t really sure what you just agreed to, or how bad it would get but for now the one thing you could do was calm Hughie down. “Oh, my God. No, no, no, no. I can’t do this.” You leaned even further forward in your seat “Hughie.” You tried to grab his arm but he shook you off. “I can’t do this. Let me out.” You tried again “Hughie, you gotta breathe for me okay. Just take a breath.” But to no avail “Let me out. Pull over!” He yelled, or what counted as yelling in Hughies book. You had to admit you agreed, you wished you could just get out of the car and just go. “Hughie,” the Brit strictly said, drawing your attention. You gave him another once over. The Brit was still steadfast, almost calming to look at. His tone made you immediately want to fall in line and go along with whatever he had planned. “You walk away now, and you will never get payback for Robin.” This? This is what this was about? Jesus Fuck! Your first instinct was to throttle Hughie for getting involved with this shit. But on the other hand, you got it. If you had someone you loved taken from you like that. God only knows what you would do probably burn the world down. It seemed like he had finally gotten through Hughie who just sat back and accepted his fate. 

The bearded man's confidence did not waver. “I know a bloke. Top man. He’ll know what to do.” Oh, no. A secondary location and some ‘top bloke’ recommended by some stranger, whose car you were in right now. Yeah, that did not sound sketchy at all… Should have stayed in bed today. 

You had been quite in the back of the car. Only the thumping and cursing from your invisible friend was audible to you. You were driving deeper into a sketchy neighborhood of abandoned and run-down buildings. The longer you drove the more you got nervous. You still had no idea who the guy was. Well besides knowing that he impersonated a fed to get your cousin to do so. You were ready to strangle the guy for getting Hughie involved with this. I mean common, look at him, he was tall and lanky and awkward. Did he look like the criminal type? Definitely not. You should have insisted on moving back into the Campbell house, at least for a while. If you had been here for him then maybe you would not drive to a second location right now. But at least you were here now and if need be, the Brit was the next body in the trunk. You held onto the anger that you felt. Anger was better than the panic. 

Sighing you leaned back into the backseat, your jaw already hurting from the times you had clenched it throughout the evening. The Brit shot you a look through the rearview mirror. Smirking, he adjusted his position to sit up a bit more straight. “Sorry, luv, guess I ain’t got my manners tonight. Being a right down cunt not introducing myself” You raised an eyebrow at him. Unimpressed with whatever this “flirting” he was doing. There was no way you would let a pretty face get in the way of your anger. “The name is Billy, Billy Butcher,” he turned to you for a few seconds. “Billy, really? I think cunt sounds about right.” You retorted in a rather monotone voice. Or the asshole who got my sweet cousin into some murder shit, you thought. You could practically feel his smirk. Hughie had turned to you looking rather guilty. Yeah, you better be, you thought. You shot Hughie a look he knew all too well, and he knew he was going to have a lot of explaining to do. “Ain’t that just a pity, Billy sounds good coming from your mouth.” Rolling your eyes you leaned back into the seat, crossing your legs, trying to make yourself look more like a bitch. “Loads of things sound good coming from my mouth. Like what the fuck is going on!” “Y/N,” Hughie interjected. Your eyes darted to him for a minute, your staple ‘don’t fuck with me right now’ look in your eyes. “Aye, we got ourselves in a bit of trouble, didn’t we, darling?” He was more than amused by you, and it made your hands itch to reach out and smack him. “From where I am sitting I can only see one troublemaker.” “Well, well, well, sweetheart you’re about to meet one more.” Billy had stopped outside some rundown building that looked even more sketchy than the Brit. Oh, we are so fucked, you thought. 

He stepped out of the car, waiting for you and Hughie to get out. You looked at him for a second trying to convey just how pissed and ready to fight you were. Slowly you stepped out of the car, never looking away from him. His smirk intensified, and that small wiggle of his head that he seemed to do was present. You would have thought it endearing if you were not so angry. Not even his broad and tall statue could disway you. You stepped up to him, doing your signature eyebrow raise. You had no intention of backing down first. Hughie just awkwardly stood to the side, watching your staring contest with wide eyes. 

Billy realized you had no intention of backing down and he sure as shit had no time for this. He took a step back and rolled his eyes as he walked towards the building. “Get a shift on. We got shit to do.” With that he disappeared between the heavy steel doors. 

You shot Hughie a look, “We’re gonna have a talk later.” It was not a question, it was a command. 

You followed Billy through the door and already you had a pit in your stomach wondering how much further you would follow Billy. Yet you knew, you’d follow that dark mysterious, and devilishly handsome man through hell and back. 

French rap music sounded throughout the warehouse. You were greeted by a dark-haired woman with the most intense blue eyes you had ever seen. She took a particular interest in Hughie, touching his face. All you could do was watch in bewilderment and wonder if whatever she had she would be willing to share. You vaguely heard Billy call her Cherié and ask for a ‘Frenchie’. 

You were not prepared for what was in front of you. Weapons upon weapons. You subconsciously took a step closer to Hughie. If there was something that scared you it was guns. You hated how easy they were used by people and the loud bang always made you jump. Your roommate and you had made a game out of fireworks or gunshots? Admittedly you had lived in a rough neighborhood but you were only a student. What else was there to afford? 

“Monsieur Charcuter.” So this was Frenchie. If it were not for all the weapons and what not you would think him cute. So this was the top bloke Butcher was talking about. Seems like Frenchie did not think of Butcher as a top bloke. You moved closer to Hughie. “Hughie, I think we should book it,” you whispered to him. He turned to you in shock as if you had slapped him. “What, Hughie? It is not like he could go to the police and say ‘hey some people bailed on us while getting rid of a body.’ Common, what can they do?” You were eyeing the door ready to take off. “No, no, this isn’t -- We can’t do this, Y/N.” You slowly grabbed Hughies arm ready to pull him along with you. “I’ll make an excuse for us to go outside and once we are we run,” you hissed. Pulling out a pack of cigarettes you were ready to step forward and tell them you had to smoke one and talk to your cousin for a second in private. 

“Who is this guy?” Frenchie asked. Great now that their attention shifted to you too, there was no getting away. “Oh, this here is Hughie Campbell. And--,” Butcher waved at you. “A friend.” Yeah, a friend. Jeez the guy did not even care to learn your name. On the upside they had no idea who you were and honestly you preferred it that way. “We’re, uh, working a little job together.” Sure if this is what you want to call it.  Hughie looked as uncomfortable as you felt, but hell would freeze over before you showed any sort of discomfort. You stood, with a straight face, that many of your friends had called a resting bitch face, shoulders back and attention fully on the guys before you. Watching them like a hawk, only glancing at the woman who was clearly on something or just plain crazy. 

“And he’s still alive?” You felt bile rise up in your throat. What was that supposed to mean? Suddenly, flashes of Hughie being tossed around bloody and groaning in pain came to mind. And then silence, him dead on the floor and there was nothing you could do. 

“You and I worked together, and you’re still in one piece,” Butcher retorted. It should have been reassuring but it definitely wasn’t. From what you could tell the french guy was in the business of whatever the hell you and Hughie gotten involved in. Judging by the scars all over Frenchies body a stark contrast to the baby smooth skin Hughie had. Yeah, great, you both will be dead by sundown, you thought. Now you need a cigarette for real. 

The French guy gave in and all of you made your way outside to the car. The fresh air felt good and made you feel more relaxed. You fished a pack of cigarettes out of your coat pocket. Quickly lighting it between your cherry red fingernails, with your pink Hello Kitty lighter. Taking a long drag you felt relief flooded your senses. God this was a disgusting habit but better than reaching for a bottle and getting shitfaced drunk. With your luck, you would end up at the police station telling them everything that happened last night. No alcohol was not an option you had to be in control.

You stood a couple paces away, when Butcher opened the trunk and electrocuted Translucent. This is when Frenchie freaked out. You nodded for Hughie to come to you, if this was going south you wanted him out of the line of fire. Luckily, Butcher is an asshole and managed to get Frenchie into this shit too. 

Frenchie and Butcher walked back inside. “Hughie and Iwill keep an eye on the invisible asshole.” You commented offhandedly, your gaze fixed on no one in particular. You took a drag of your cigarette, releasing the smoke and shooting a glance at an unmoved Butcher. “Well, luv, I don’t think this is a good idea,” You knew he was worried you would let the guy go and take off but you didn’t care for that right now. You needed to talk to Hughie. “Like you said, he’s seen our face.” You threw his own words back into his face. “I think we should--,” You shot Hughie a look to shut him up. It worked, as you knew it would. It was the same look you gave him when he was a child and in trouble. Taking one last drag from your cigarette you stomped it out underneath your boots before stepping up to Butcher. My God, how tall was this guy? You smelled a whiff of engine oil, sweat, and leather. Not a combination you thought would be so pleasant. “Imma, talk to my cousin. But don’t worry luv we will be right in.” Butcher gave you a once over, leaning into you with that signature smirk. “No, need to get your knickers in a twist, aye now, shirty.” Oh, you could see it already you would end up smacking this cocky son of a bitch. But for now, you wouldn't give him the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you. You continued to stare at him, not wavering at his gaze. However, you could not help but clench your jaw, your muscles slowly tensing up underneath your skin. Of course, the asshole saw this and smirked even more giving you his signature head wiggle. But you were not backing down. Finally, he rolled his eyes, turning around. “If you are not back in five I’ll come get ya myself.” 

Hughie had watched the exchange in awkward silence. He knew you were not going to back down and felt relief when Butcher finally walked back inside with Frenchie. “Okay, look--,” Hughie started. “No,” you simply said. Already you were itching for another cigarette. “I don’t want excuses or some washy explanation. You will tell me everything that happened that let us to a run down warehouse with some fucking gun runner and some british asshole.” Hughie took a deep breath, ruffling his hair before telling you everything. From Voughts offer of 45k to meeting Butcher and planting a bug. You listened closely, growing more and more frustrated and angry at the same time. “Jesus Christ, Hughie a bug? What were you thinking? Why did you not come to me with this?” “What, so you could tell me I can’t do it?” Hughie yelled. “Because I am a loser who can’t even ask his boss for a fucking raise?” You were shocked at his outburst, stepping closer you wanted to sooth the boy in front of you. In some way he was right you did not see him as a man, for you he was the sweet boy who wanted to play superhero with you and cuddled up to you when a scary scene was on screen. “No, Hughie that is not-” But he would not hear any of it. “Because I don’t have the fight. All I am good for is selling some electronics, coming home, sittin on the couch, watching TV, and eating Pizza rolls?” You let him rant on for a while longer, never seeing Hughie like this before. By the end he was out of breath, his chest heaving. You leaned against the wall of the warehouse, racking your brain about something you could say to make things better for him.

“You know what I’ve been doing the past few days?” You asked Hughie, confusion on his face. “I’ve been researching cases of wrongful death lawsuits against Supes.” You pushed yourself off the wall. “Because I was ready to stand with you, not in front of you, but side by side ready to fight for justice for Robin with you.” You stepped up to Hughie. “Because I don’t think you are some loser who can’t do anything. But because I think you are a good man who wants to do the right thing.” You shook your head in disbelief about all the shit he just told you. “But this. This is a fucking mess.” Hughie sighs deeply, “I know, I know, okay? I didn’t know what else to do” You did what you wanted to do since the store, you hugged Hughie. He clung to you. “We are in this now, you realize that, right?” You pulled back, taking Hughies face into your hands. “But we are going to get through this okay? ‘cause we are not fucking losers.” You grabbed Hughies hand, “common we have a shithead to take care of.” With that, you both walked into the building again. 

Once you arrived at the new place you would keep Translucent the boys and you got to work. Carrying box after box with God knows what. But for now you were not going to ask questions and just do as you were told. Once everything was settled in you brought in your captive. Translucent was put into an electrified cage. To say he was unhappy when he woke up was an understatement. He was cussing you out something fierce 

Hughie was leaning on the wall next to the door that led to your captive, while Butcher and Frenchie leaned opposite each other on the table. You had planted yourself up on the counter. Your question of what now had been ignored and the two men were arguing back and forth when Hughie spoke up. “Wait, you're going to kill him?” “Well, we didn’t bring him here for a fucking Happy Meal.” You almost let out a snort at Butcher's sassy remark if the situation was not such a mess. Before the argument could go further you interjected. “What about a diamond drill?” This got the attention of all three men. “What?,” Hughie said. “You said that his skin was tough as diamonds,” you talked directly to Frenchie. “Or more, who really knows,” you added.” You pushed yourself off the countertop and walked to the table where Frenchie and Butcher were located. “If it is as tough as diamonds a diamond drill should do the job.” You could not believe the words that came out of your mouth. I mean you were talking about murdering a man. Frenchie looked at Butcher whose gaze was still on you. Shrugging his shoulder he nodded. “Worth a try, no? But maybe a less medieval weapon would suffice.” With this Frenchie got to work, mixing stuff and overall did things you had no idea about. Instead of probing him more with what he meant you just stepped back jumping onto the counter once more. “I’m gonna see about an old friend,” Butcher said, leaving you and Hughie alone with the French man. You watched Frenchie work in silence. You were glad that Hughie did not try to talk to you, you were absolutely drained. The rollercoaster of emotion catching up with you. You could feel how things started to overwhelm you, your head pounding and the noise grating your nerves. You abruptly left the basement making your way upstairs. You walked through the rows of tables and seats, past the boxes of guns and other supplies before settling down on a bench near the door. You took off your jacket, balling it up and using it as a pillow. You were lying on the bench staring up at the cracked ceiling, your brain completely numb. You finished out your phone before realizing it had died the day before. Looking towards your left you saw an outlet, but you were far too tired to move an inch. You let your arm fall to your side again, ignoring your phone problem. 

Hughie watched you leave the room, his constant frown still on his face. He knew he had fucked up and even more so by dragging you into this mess, even if it was unintentional. Hell, he didn’t even want to be here. He wanted to go after you, to apologize over and over but he knew you needed your alone time. 

You were absolutely drained, closing your eyes trying to breathe evenly. Yet, the unfamiliar space made you tense, you only allowed yourself to close your eyes for a few seconds before the panic of not knowing what was around you kicked in again. God, you thought you were over your hypervigilance, constantly thinking something bad was around the corner. You even managed to sleep with your bedroom door unlocked now. It took years for you to feel safe in your own skin again and now in one night it was all destroyed. You felt like you were right back where you started five years ago. 

Sighing you sat up, your elbows on your knees and your head in your hands. It is true what people say, trauma stays in your body. You sat up straight, taking a deep breath in, holding it for a few seconds, then breathing out. Breathe and repeat. Your hands were sweaty and your limbs felt hollow. It felt like you were twenty again trying to paint on a smile even though all you wanted to do was scream and rage and cry. But that was not acceptable, not according to the way you were raised. All throughout your life you have been taught to smile and behave. As long as you could function you were okay and there was no need to be “a drama queen” as it was so often put whenever you tried to express your feelings.

Getting up you looked over the boxes the boys had brought in, all the different weapons and tools. You reached out, wiping a stain off a drill. Watching as the smudge slowly disappeared. It felt good, getting rid of an imperfection of something that should not be there. Cleaning has become your comfort whenever you feel like your feelings would overwhelm you. And once it was all clean you had your feelings in check and could put on a smile. Playing whatever role people expected of you, the good daughter, the loyal friend, the dutiful student. What role would you have to play now? You wondered. It had taken you years to break out of the need to mask and hide and now you wondered if playing a role was the only thing that would keep you and your cousin alive. Your head was spinning, so you turned searching for your bag, before realizing it was on the ground at Gary’s destroyed shop. Great not you had to somehow find the money to get a new laptop. But mostly you wanted your anti-anxiety pills.

Your head was spinning out of control when the door suddenly opened. Butcher came strutting in, an annoyed look at his face. Quickly you smoothed your expression, trying to appear casual. “I’m guessing whatever you did, didn’t pan out.” You leaned back on a desk behind you, crossing your arms over your chest. “Not to worry, luv.” He squared up in front of you, his broad chest looking even broader when he crossed his own arms in front of it. Daylight was streaming through the hole of the torn paper that covered the windows. The dust became more prominent, and Butcher seemed even bigger with the light illuminating him from the back. “Really? Because from where I am standing worrying is the only thing that I can actually do.” Butcher let out something between a snort and a laugh. He took a step closer to you, almost looming above you. “You know we have not been properly introduced. You know my name is Billy, Billy Butcher and what would yours be, sweetheart.” You clenched your jaw at the nickname. “I don’t know, Billy, sweetheart sounds pretty good to me.” You replied sarcastically. Butcher was clearly amused by you, and as much as you hated it, his cocky ‘everything is funny’ attitude got to you. You did not want him to see that his attitude got on your nerves so you pushed yourself off the desk and walked past him to the stairs leading to Frenchie and Hughie. “But once you get tired of the condescending nicknames, call me Y/N,” you threw him a glance over your shoulder before disappearing down the stairs. Butcher watched you go with a smirk on his face and an appreciative glance down your body. He did not know how to feel about you yet, but at least you were sassy and easy on the eyes. That was always fun.

[mordcore]

starting to realize that "psychosomatic" doesn't mean what i thought it meant. so it definitely doesn't mean "fake problem" that much i knew but. i think it's literally just the effocts of stress on the body. it's less "i didn't wanna go to school so i subconsciously made my tummy hurt so i wouldn't have to go" it's "going to school filled me with so much anxiety that the stress hormones had an immediate physical effect on my body, to the point of causing me physical pain". the first explanation is an invitation to gaslighting and "just push through it". the second one however is an invitation to take your bodies signals seriously and also acknowledge that you seem to be ignoring your emotions.. or maybe you aren't but you're unable to stay within your limits. limits btw aren't something to "push through", unless you want to self-destruct. limits are LIMITS.

this is coming from someone who went to school anyways, despite the anxiety-induced tummy-ache, and whose body started falling apart. it's still apart. it's probably not getting better. the more limits you ignore, the harder your body will set them. nowadays i can't work, i can't study, i can't even take walks anymore unless i wanna spend 3 weeks in bed. that's the very real effect that trauma has on your body. i know some people live in abusive households and can't obey their limits and some people live in usa but everyone who is pushing past their limits who CAN make changes in their life, take some time off from work, switch to part-time, change schools, have a sick semester, subsist on unemployment benefits for a while to take away the stress, do one less extracurricular activity.... please. do it. you only have the one body, and it is much weaker than you think. one day you won't bounce back.

[bonesbonesbones69]

A GTN Fanmix

It's done!!! I can't believe it. I spent so much time on this, I had so much fun. I'm still doing final touches on the HTN playlist but it will also be done so soon. For now: Gideon.

Track list:

The Legend of Chavo Guerrero (The Mountain Goats)

Bitter Rivals (Sleigh Bells)

Hast Though Considered the Tetrapod (The Mountain Goats)

Mark on You (The Mountain Goats)

End Love (Ok Go)

Clear the Area (Imogen Heap)

Ask (The Smiths)

Anything For You (Ludo)

Everything I Am is Yours (Villagers)

Matilda (Alt-J)

Bleed Out (The Mountain Goats)

I know that's a lot of mountain goats. But this is my playground and I'm doing whatever I want, and you can't stop me.

Song breakdown under the cut! I get wordy, i've put a lot of thought into this playlist. Like a really embarrassing amount of thought. It's long. but also truly optional, this playlist can be enjoyed without my deep dive!! Enjoy!!

Yesssss you looked under the cut! Welcome to every thought i've ever had.

THE LEGEND OF CHAVO GUERRERO - THE MOUNTAIN GOATS

One thing I love about GTN is Gideon vs. her comic hero fantasies. It's heavily themed throughout this playlist, so we're starting with the concept.

I lose my mind thinking about Gideon spending her whole life dreaming about BEING someone and MAKING SOMETHING of herself through living out the action hero stories in her comics. That's what it means to be important and wanted, to fight and win and be covered in babes. Like they do in the comics.

Lyrics:

Before a black and white TV in the middle of the night I'm lying on the floor. I'm bathed in the light The telecast's in Spanish. I can understand some And I need justice in my life; here it comes

And then of course in the months between when she leaves the ninth and when dies, she lives the action comic hero scene by devoting herself dramatically to her necromancer and dying in battle for her - a short and tragic twist on the glorious victory found in comics, but also exactly what Gideon wanted from the comics: meaning to her actions. Being someone and making something of herself.

That shit makes me emotional so we're starting here, with the legend of chavo guerrero, and Gideon's childhood hero dreams.

BITTER RIVALS - SLEIGH BELLS

Ok the playlist is about "Gideon as the Action Hero" but its ALSO OF COURSE about Gideon + Harrow's relationship because I have the same disease about it that you all do. If you clicked down to read this stupid fanmix deep dive I can guarantee you also have this disease. the disease where we love Gideon + Harrow's relationship.

So here's a song about it :)

You are my bitter rival But I need you for survival

What else can I say??

This playlist is more or less chronologically aligned to GTN itself, which is something I love doing with playlists. Accordingly, this ones about them hating each other (yet... homoerotically?) and being inextricably tangled in each other at the same time. but don't worry, I have some gooier songs later.

HAST THOU CONSIDERED THE TETRAPOD - THE MOUNTAIN GOATS (AGAIN)

But not yet! Before we get to gooey love songs we have to listen to more child abuse songs.

Held under these smothering waves By your strong and thick-veined hands But one of these days I'm going to wriggle up on dry land

And it's also about maladaptive daydreaming and the persistent belief that there is a better future for you out there!!!

Playlist title is taken from this song - "I am young and I am good" as a self-identifier in the context of escaping and growing beyond an abusive household feel so right for Gideon, who is hungry for glory, but even more hungry to just be useful and acknowledged. To show that she is good and be validated as good. She hasn't had much opportunity in her life so far, which is SO unfair, because she is young and she is good!

MARK ON YOU - THE MOUNTAIN GOATS (GET USED TO IT)

When this is over, when we leave this all behind us Deep in the moonless night, when the rescue team finds us It's gonna get so dark for you I'm gonna leave a mark on you

What's perfect about this song is how threatening it is, and the implied violence... but also how in the same breath it implies an emotional footprint and no violence is ever confirmed. Do I even have to say that it's on here as a one-two punch referencing both harrow + Gideon's fighting and ALSO Gideon's sacrifice?? Of course that's why it's on here!!

It also gets bonus points for being off of the mountain goat's album 'bleed out', which was inspired by classic action movies. The action movie vibe comes through in the song, and therefore is a beautiful head-nod to Gideon the Action Hero at the same time as its a tragic foreshadowing to the nature of the mark that Gideon does in fact leave.

END LOVE - OK GO

Ok we're getting a little romantic. It's time for some songs about BUILDING TRUST ON PURPOSE

Cause no one's gonna save you, if you don't swim for the boat No one's gonna save you, if you won't take the rope No one's gonna find you, when you're hiding in the dark No one's gonna find you

The most romantic shit in the world to me is the combo of Harrow choosing to be vulnerable on purpose, and Gideon being so ready to accept and guard that vulnerability. Harrow's choices to let Gideon in are of course so delicious because theyre marinated in how absurdly difficult it is for her. And she does it so deliberately. She does it because she NEEDS to. Because the alternative (not having Gideons partnership) is so much worse. And that's romantic to me.

ASK - THE SMITHS

If there's something you'd like to try If there's something you'd like to try Ask me, I won't say no, how could I

Ok cmon. Right??

It's the other overwhelmingly romantic thing. The thing where Gideon is so ready to be there for harrow, when she's given the opportunity. When she's asked. And this is also STILL about having to be vulnerable and purposeful to build trust. Or the bomb will get you, or the whatever.

CLEAR THE AREA - IMOGEN HEAP

Ok here's the thing - I don't believe in criticizing your own art. Like posting something and saying 'oh its so bad' or pointing out all the stuff that didn't turn out right. It's self-defeating to give everyone the first impression that the thing you made is bad, before they have a chance to create their own impressions.

HOWEVER

The tone of this whole playlist is whack. Each song alone is great, but overall, the vibe is kind of sappy and idealistic and sweet - which feels so disparate from the tone of Gideon herself. I stand by the song choices I made but god I wish the vibe was more defensive, more funny, more bitter, more irreverent, more STUPID. ‘Bitter rivals’ is the only song on this playlist with the energy I dream of. I looked at some other riot grrl music but couldn’t find anything I loved. Ok I got so mad about this that I made a second playlist just now with only 'Gideon vibes' and no songs that have anything to do with shit that actually happened in GTN. Its here, it took 10m, and its very good.

Anyways, I’m telling you now because the song 'Clear the Area' is truly guilty of being too sweet and sincere.

Having said that, it absolutely belongs on this playlist anyways and I will defend it!

You find your way back down And I'll keep the area clear. When you find your way back down, in one piece Then I'll just be waiting here, right here.

This incredibly soft song is still solidly on the track of 'building trust on purpose or else the bomb will get you'. even more than that, it's about protecting and loving someone who is so wrapped up in their own shit that they do a very bad job of reaching out. and what about that DOESNT belong on a GTN playlist!!!

ANYTHING FOR YOU - LUDO

I don't have specific lyrics I want to share out for this one, but the entire thing as a whole deserves some attention: the singer lists fantastical and daring and victorious scenarios that they, clearly an adventurous hero, has completed, and then easily says that they'd give away all best things from their adventures for the song's subject.

It's an "all in" pledge that fits comfortably in with the cavalier oath. It's the commitment!! The gravity of devotion!!

and it's ALSO ABOUT IMAGINING YOURE A HERO yes thats right we are BACK to Gideon and the Action Hero. The song doesn't actually say that all the scenarios are imagined, but the variety and fantasy hint that they could easily be imagined. At the very least, they're supposed to make us think about adventure stories and that's good enough for me.

A fun little bonus for this one is the line "but the best story I could ever tell is the one where I am growing old with you," which I'm calling out because I get a little kick out of the 'growing old' theme. There's also a line in the legend of chavo guerrero, "I don't know but i've been told, it's real sweet to grow old". Between these two songs, the easy coupling of 'I dream of heroic deeds' with 'I will grow old' is... I mean.... tragic. I'm having fun, are you having fun?

EVERYTHING I AM IS YOURS - VILLAGERS

This is one of the first songs I put on this playlist. It's significant that this song has stayed on so long, I started seriously working on this playlist a month ago (in tandem with an HTN playlist) and i've removed and replaced most of the songs I started with.

There were times when I did consider removing it - I wondered if this song was a little redundant with 'anything for you'. Both are songs about devoting yourself fully to someone else. But what this song has that 'anything for you' doesn't, is the idea that 'everything I am' comes with the bad as well as the good. It's a promise and also a resigned statement.

I find it hard to say what's going on inside Got these little walls, couldn't break them if I tried But I promise I'll be true. And I promise I'll be right Sickness and in health. In the darkness and the light I give you every side 'Cause everything I am is yours

MATILDA - ALT J

OK WAIT HEAR ME OUT WAIT HEAR ME OUT WAIT WAIT IM SERIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE

It's a little high concept but whatever this is my playlist and I can do whatever I want!! you're welcome its not another mountain goats song.

The song Matilda by Alt J is not only a classic indie hit from 2012 with lyrics so warbly theyre basically nonsense, it is also explicitly about the ending to the 1994 action film 'Leon: The Professional'. Which I am about to talk about, so if you don't want spoilers, don't read the rest of this section!

So what happens at the end of the professional (and i'm stalling writing the sentence in case you are trying to skim over this to avoid spoilers), is that Leon (the professional himself) dies taking out an enemy with a grenade. This action saves the life of a young girl (Matilda) who he's taken under his wing, and who has brought new meaning into his life. Before blowing himself up, he hands the pin to the enemy, saying 'this is from Matilda', it's beautiful i cried blah blah blah

Put the grenade pin in your hand, so you understand who's boss. My defeat sleeps top to toe with her success Oh this is from, this is from, This is from Matilda

By now we're all on the same page, it's a song about dying so that someone you love will stay alive and finding meaning and purpose in that action, it's a song about what happened at the end of GTN.

AND it's a song about an action hero

AND it is itself the artistic reverb that the action hero had throughout pop culture!!!

Alt J saw 'the professional' and thought holy shit thats meaningful i'm gonna write a song about it. Gideon read comics and thought holy shit thats meaningful someday im gonna put my own life on the line for a necromancer. Then she DID, and DIED. Which is INSANE and I cried way more than I cried at the professional.

And the playlist ends on the next song for the exact same reason.

BLEED OUT - THE MOUNTAIN GOATS

What can I even say!! I'm only gonna quote a couple lyrics here but I could really go line-by-line for this entire 7 minute song.

There was a chance we'd make it through this It's safe to say now that we missed it And I will never lose hope, and I haven't lost hope I'm just realistic I will go down punching, but I will go down and my corner man won't bring me back around Bleed out I'm gonna bleed out

This is the second song on this playlist from the action-movie inspired album 'bleed out', and this song is about the endings to action movies where the heroes die. It's about the trope that happened to Leon and Gideon. It's a little tongue in cheek, it's funny, extremely genre-savvy, long, slow, and sad.

The tone, content, and meta commentary about action heroes all make this one of my favorite songs on the playlist.

Every story needs a child who believes The brave hero's gonna be just fine You only have to check the papers to see Some of these children end up just like me Bleed out I'm gonna bleed out

I was sooo close to naming this playlist “every story needs a child who believes” but it’s a mouthful. So let’s just take a moment here, deep in the playlist footnotes, to think about it.

Are you thinking about it? I'm thinking about it.

Anyways, that's the whole playlist. If you read this (any of it), thank you, I love you. I am going to miss this playlist now that I'm casting it out into the wild. But it's time. I think it's complete.

See you again when I get the final touches on the HTN playlist. which has just as many mountain goats songs. and is even better ;)

[lannistertwinz]

"You loved me then what right had you to leave me?" - the parallels between Jaime/Cersei and Wuthering Heights

"There's a dialogue that goes on through the years and over the centuries where you read someone else's work and you're inspired by it, sometimes infuriated by it, and you say 'No, that's not quite right, here's the way it would be' and then you write your own twist on it, your own answer to it! There is this conscious playing with tropes, replying to other authors and making a reference or an homage in some cases… but there's also unconsciousness. Those are are rife, sometimes you read a book and you haven't looked at it for twenty years, but it's still there buried inside and suddenly someone points out 'this seems just like this' and you go 'Oh my god! It's right, I forgot about that!'. So it works both ways." - George R.R. Martin, Trinity College Dublin

“The first books I read besides comic books were cheap paperbacks which cost 35 cents back then. There were no bookstores in Bayonne so I got my paperbacks from a spinner rack and all the books in that were mixed up. There were science fiction books and fantasy books, which I liked, but there were also mystery novels, romance novels, nurse novels, gothics, spy novels and, of course, there were classics of literature mixed in with that: Shakespeare, Dostoiévski, the Brontë sisters, Jane Austen, etc.” – George R.R. Martin, Gamer’s Haven Podcast

As pointed out above, George has (whether conscious or unconsciously) taken inspiration from other works to create his own characters, and with this post I’d like to explain as to why I believe A Song Of Ice And Fire specifically plays with Heathcliff and Catherine’s relationship from Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights through Jaime and Cersei’s dynamic.

To briefly explain it to those who have not read it, Wuthering Heights is essentially the story of Heathcliff’s revenge on the Earnshaws and the Lintons for the discrimination suffered at their hands and their involvement in his estrangement from his friend and lover Catherine Earnshaw (aka Cathy) and, at it’s core, it is a novel about intergenerational abuse and family dysfunction.

Shaped by these circumstances, we have at the forefront of the book the toxic romance between the foster siblings Heathcliff and Catherine who, like Jaime and Cersei, develop a very intimate bond early on in their childhood:

She was much too fond of Heathcliff. The greatest punishment we could invent for her was to keep her separate from him. – Nelly, Chapter V He could never bear to be long apart from his twin. – Jaime, ASOS

‘I was a child; my father was just buried, and my misery arose from the separation that Hindley had ordered between me and Heathcliff. I was laid alone, for the first time; and, rousing from a dismal doze after a night of weeping, I lifted my hand to push the panels aside: it struck the tabletop!’ – Catherine, Chapter XII Though Cersei often slept alone, she had never liked it. Her oldest memories were of sharing a bed with Jaime, when they had still been so young that no one could tell the two of them apart. Later, after they were separated, she'd had a string of bedmaids and companions, most of them girls of an age with her, the daughters of her father's household knights and bannermen. – Cersei, AFFC

We made ourselves as snug as our means allowed in the arch of the dresser. I had just fastened our pinafores together, and hung them up for a curtain, when in comes Joseph, on an errand from the stables. He tears down my handiwork, boxes my ears, and croaks. – Catherine, Chapter III "Sometimes as a lark we would dress in each other's clothes and spend a whole day each as the other." – Cersei, ACOK

I took my dingy volume by the scroop, and hurled it into the dogkennel, vowing I hated a good book. Heathcliff kicked his to the same place. – Catherine, Chapter III The dank and dismal fortnight Cersei spent at Greenstone, the seat of House Estermont, was the longest of her young life. Jaime dubbed the castle "Greenshit" at first sight, and soon had Cersei doing it too. – Cersei, AFFC

Miss Cathy had been sick, and that made her still; she leant against her father’s knee, and Heathcliff was lying on the floor with his head in her lap. – Nelly, Chapter V "Care for a bath, Brienne?" He laughed. "You're a maiden and there's the pool. I'll wash your back." He used to scrub Cersei's back, when they were children together at Casterly Rock. – Jaime, ASOS

Additionally, in both cases, the female characters have, from early on, a clear influence over their male counterparts:

His peevish reproofs wakened in her a naughty delight to provoke him: she was never so happy as when we were all scolding her at once, and she defying us with her bold, saucy look, and her ready words; turning Joseph’s religious curses into ridicule, baiting me, and doing just what her father hated most showing how her pretended insolence, which he thought real, had more power over Heathcliff than his kindness: how the boy would do her bidding in anything, and his only when it suited his own inclination. – Nelly, Chapter V “Father will never consent,” Jaime objected. […] “Is it a rock you want? Or me?” He remembered that night as if it were yesterday. […] By morning Casterly Rock seemed a small price to pay to be near her always. He gave his consent, and Cersei promised to do the rest. – Jaime, ASOS

‘He’s considering he’d rather I’d come to him! Find a way, then! not through that kirkyard. You are slow! Be content, you always followed me!’ – Catherine, Chapter XII She rose, her eyes brimming with tears. “Is it truly you?” She did not come to him, however. She has never come to me, he thought. She has always waited, letting me come to her. – Jaime, ASOS

And there’s an element of adoration as well. In Wuthering Heights, at the end of Heathcliff’s life, Nelly refers to Catherine as his “departed idol” and Heathcliff describes Cathy as “so immeasurably superior to everybody on earth”. On the other hand, in A Song Of Ice And Fire, Jaime puts Cersei on a pedestal as the figure of “The Maiden” and describes Cersei’s flame in his weirwood dream as “the only light in the world”. Furthermore, the two claim to have suffered through hardships solely for the sake of these women and that their love is the ultimate factor that drives them:

‘I’ve fought through a bitter life since I last heard your voice; and you must forgive me, for I struggled only for you!’ – Heathcliff, Chapter X When morning came, he made himself eat. They fed him a mush of oats, horse food, but he forced down every spoon. He ate again at evenfall, and the next day. Live, he told himself harshly, live for Cersei. – Jaime, ASOS

‘Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you!’ – Heathcliff, Chapter XVI Beside Lord Tywin stood his sister, pale and beautiful, a torch burning in her hand. Her torch was the only light in the cavern. She turned to go. “Stay with me,” Jaime pleaded. “Don't leave me here alone. Don't leave me in the dark!” – Jaime, ASOS

However, the most striking similarities arise from the way that Catherine and Cersei perceive their relationships with Heathcliff and Jaime respectively. Catherine, though far from being the worst person out of the cast of characters present in the novel (certainly Hindley and Joseph and even Heathcliff himself are more morally reprehensible), is the one that possesses the most traits stereotypically ascribed to narcissism: she’s very duplicitous and self-absorbed, she has a completely delusional opinion of herself and consistently projects her own flaws onto others, she’s often contemptuous of the weaknesses of those around her, she has a very explosive temper and reacts with aggression when crossed, she flips situations on their head to make herself look like the victim and she certainly sees her relationships as transactional, including her relationship with Heathcliff:

‘And should I always be sitting with you? What good do I get? What do you talk about? You might be dumb, or a baby, for anything you say to amuse me, or for anything you do, either!’ – Catherine, Chapter VIII

It is also frequently mentioned that Catherine enjoys being in control and does not take well to being contradicted:

It was nothing less than murder in her eyes for anyone to presume to stand up and contradict her. – Nelly, Chapter IX Cersei is as gentle as King Maegor, as selfless as Aegon the Unworthy, as wise as Mad Aerys. She never forgets a slight, real or imagined. She takes caution for cowardice and dissent for defiance. – Tyrion, ADWD

I observed that Mr. Edgar had a deep-rooted fear of ruffling her humour. He concealed it from her; but if ever he heard me answer sharply, or saw any other servant grow cloudy at some imperious order of hers, he would show his trouble by a frown of displeasure that never darkened on his own account. He many a time spoke sternly to me about my pertness; and averred that the stab of a knife could not inflict a worse pang than he suffered at seeing his lady vexed. Not to grieve a kind master, I learned to be less touchy; and, for the space of half a year, the gunpowder lay as harmless as sand, because no fire came near to explode it. – Nelly, Chapter X His sister liked to think of herself as Lord Tywin with teats, but she was wrong. Their father had been as relentless and implacable as a glacier, where Cersei was all wildfire, especially when thwarted. – Jaime, AFFC

And this leads to a point of contention when Heathcliff returns a changed man from his time away:

‘Don’t vex me. Why have you disregarded my request?’ – Catherine, Chapter XI Why does he insist on vexing me? – Cersei, AFFC

‘Oh, you see, Nelly, he would not relent a moment to keep me out of the grave. That is how I’m loved!’ – Catherine, Chapter XV “You swore that you would always love me. It is not loving to make me beg.” – Cersei, AFFC

All of this, combined with the particular way in which Catherine describes her feelings for Heathcliff, led critics of the book to accuse Catherine of perceiving and thus loving Heathcliff as an extension of herself. And, surely, most of these things she privately confesses to Nelly could have easily come out of Cersei’s mouth, who has been confirmed by the author to being written as highly narcissistic.

In chapter IX, Catherine says that her love for Heathcliff is a necessity and throughout the series Cersei’s sentiments for Jaime are frequently displayed through that same lens:

The wench had the right of it. He could not die. Cersei was waiting for him. She would have need of him. – Jaime, ASOS They rode hard the next day, at Jaime's insistence. His son was dead, and his sister needed him. – Jaime, ASOS “Jaime, you're my shining knight. You cannot abandon me when I need you most!” – Cersei, ASOS “I need you with me. In me. Please, Jaime. Please.” – Cersei, AFFC “Why would Cersei need the Warrior? She has me.” – Jaime, AFFC She licked her lips, shivering. “Come at once. Help me. Save me. I need you now as I have never needed you before. I love you. I love you. I love you. Come at once.” – Cersei, AFFC Jaime, I need Jaime. – Cersei, ADWD

Of course, in Cersei’s case, she “needs” Jaime because he is, in her mind, the brawn to her brain (“He was meant to be my sword and shield, my strong right arm.”), her protector, her agency in a patriarchal society… but she also needs him because she does not feel like a self-realized autonomous human being without him as she believes her own personhood has been split into two entities. And the same goes for Catherine:

‘I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of my creation, if I were entirely contained here?’ – Catherine, Chapter IX “Jaime and I are more than brother and sister. We are one person in two bodies.” – Cersei, AGOT

‘Supposing at twelve years old I had been wrenched from the Heights, and every early association, and my all in all, as Heathcliff was at that time, and been converted at a stroke into Mrs. Linton, the lady of Thrushcross Grange, and the wife of a stranger: an exile, and outcast, thenceforth, from what had been my world. You may fancy a glimpse of the abyss where I grovelled!’ – Catherine, Chapter XII “I was lost without you, Jaime. I was afraid the Starks would send me your head. I could not have borne that. I am not whole without you.” – Cersei, ASOS

In fact, both women go as far as claiming their partners’ identities as their own:

‘Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He’s always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.’ – Catherine, Chapter IX “You are me, I am you.” – Cersei, AFFC ‘It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he’s handsome, Nelly, but because he’s more myself than I am.’ – Catherine, Chapter IX

And from this idea of a shared existence and a lack of purpose when apart comes the desire for union in death and the mythologizing of these relationships:

‘If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it.’ – Catherine, Chapter IX “If he were dead, I would know it. We came into this world together, Uncle. He would not go without me.” – Cersei, ADWD ‘She’s dead! I’ve not waited for you to learn that’. – Heathcliff, Chapter XVI

‘We’ve braved its ghosts often together, and dared each other to stand among the graves and ask them to come. But, Heathcliff, if I dare you now, will you venture? If you do, I’ll keep you. I’ll not lie there by myself: they may bury me twelve feet deep, and throw the church down over me, but I won’t rest till you are with me. I never will!’ – Catherine, Chapter XII I cannot die while Cersei lives, he told himself. We will die together as we were born together. – Jaime, ASOS ‘I wish they may shovel in the earth over us both!’ – Heathcliff, Chapter XXIX

What’s interesting about Wuthering Heights, though, is that, other than codependency, there is an inherent selfishness and possessiveness to this. In chapter XV, when Catherine is effectively dying, it is clear that she does not want Heathcliff to outlive her and she’s terrified by the idea of him moving on and finding happiness elsewhere:

‘How strong you are! How many years do you mean to live after I am gone?’ – Catherine, Chapter XV “Will you forget me? Will you be happy when I am in the earth? Will you say twenty years hence, ‘That’s the grave of Catherine Earnshaw? I loved her long ago, and was wretched to lose her; but it is past. I’ve loved many others since: my children are dearer to me than she was; and, at death, I shall not rejoice that I are going to her: I shall be sorry that I must leave them!’ Will you say so, Heathcliff?” – Catherine, Chapter XV

Indeed, Catherine goes as far as telling Heathcliff that she wishes he would just die (and suffer) alongside her:

‘I wish I could hold you till we were both dead! I shouldn’t care what you suffered. I care nothing for your sufferings. Why shouldn’t you suffer? I do!’ – Catherine, Chapter XV ‘I’m not wishing you greater torment than I have, Heathcliff. I only wish us never to be parted.’ – Catherine, Chapter XV

And Cersei does something comparable when she (in her delusion) asks Jaime to be her champion in a mortal combat knowing he is likely to lose for his handicap:

“My queen,” said Qyburn, “have you . . . forgotten? Ser Jaime has no sword hand. If he should champion you and lose . . .” We will leave this world together, as we once came into it. “He will not lose. Not Jaime. Not with my life at stake.” – Cersei, AFFC

Heathcliff and Catherine don’t die together, however, and, despite what happened in Game Of Thrones, I’m still highly sceptical that Jaime and Cersei will die together in the books either. Yet the impression that Wuthering Heights leaves is that the unhealthy nature of Heathcliff and Catherine’s bond is at the root of their own self-destruction and tragic end:

Ere long, I heard the click of the latch, and Catherine flew up-stairs, breathless and wild; too excited to show gladness: indeed, by her face, you would rather have surmised an awful calamity. – Nelly, Chapter X ‘Mrs. Linton is now just recovering,’ I said; ‘she’ll never be like she was, but her life is spared; and if you really have a regard for her, you’ll shun crossing her way again. […] Another encounter between you and the master would kill her altogether.’ – Nelly, Chapter XIV ‘You have killed me and thriven on it, I think.’ -  Catherine, Chapter XV “’Nay, it’s enough that he has murdered one of you,’ I observed aloud. ‘At the Grange, everyone knows your sister would have been living now had it not been for Mr. Heathcliff. After all, it is preferable to be hated than loved by him. When I recollect how happy we were, how happy Catherine was before he came, I’m fit to curse the day.’ Most likely, Heathcliff noticed more the truth of what was said, than the spirit of the person who said it. His attention was roused, I saw, for his eyes rained down tears among the ashes, and he drew his breath in suffocating sighs.” – Isabella, Chapter XVII ‘She might have been living yet, if it had not been for him!’ was his constant bitter reflection; and, in his eyes, Heathcliff seemed a murderer. – Nelly, Chapter XXI

‘I forgive what you have done to me. I love my murderer but yours! How can I?’ – Heathcliff, Chapter XV ‘It was a strange way of killing: not by inches, but by fractions of hairbreadths, to beguile me with the spectre of a hope through eighteen years!’ – Heathcliff, Chapter XXIX

The intense horror of nightmare came over me: I tried to draw back my arm, but the hand clung to it, and a most melancholy voice sobbed, ‘Let me in let me in!’ ‘Who are you?’ I asked, struggling, meanwhile, to disengage myself. ‘Catherine Linton,’ it replied, shiveringly (why did I think of Linton? I had read Earnshaw twenty times for Linton) ‘I’m come home: I’d lost my way on the moor!’ As it spoke, I discerned, obscurely, a child’s face looking through the window. - Mr. Lockwood, Chapter III The following evening was very wet: indeed, it poured down till day-dawn; and, as I took my morning walk round the house, I observed the master’s window swinging open, and the rain driving straight in. […] I peeped in. Mr. Heathcliff was there laid on his back. His eyes met mine so keen and fierce, I started; and then he seemed to smile. I could not think him dead: but his face and throat were washed with rain; the bed-clothes dripped, and he was perfectly still. The lattice, flapping to and fro, had grazed one hand that rested on the sill; no blood trickled from the broken skin, and when I put my fingers to it, I could doubt no more: he was dead and stark! – Nelly, Chapter XXXVI

And I wouldn’t be surprised if A Song Of Ice And Fire were to go in the same direction:

It is raining again, he thought when he saw how wet she was. The water was trickling down her cloak to puddle round her feet. How did she get here? I never heard her enter. She was dressed like a tavern wench in a heavy roughspun cloak, badly dyed in mottled browns and fraying at the hem. A hood concealed her face, but he could see the candles dancing in the green pools of her eyes, and when she moved he knew her. – Jaime, AFFC I thought that I was the Warrior and Cersei was the Maid, but all the time she was the Stranger, hiding her true face from my gaze. – Jaime, AFFC The Stranger represents death and the unknown, and leads the dead to the other world. Whilst referred to as male, he is neither male nor female. The Stranger's face has been described as half-human, concealed beneath a hooded mantle. – A Wiki Of Ice And Fire

“Gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds. And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.” – Maggy The Frog, AFFC “Tyrion is the valonqar. Do you use that word in Myr? It's High Valyrian, it means little brother.”  - Cersei, AFFC “He came into this world holding my foot, our old maester said”. – Cersei, AGOT “The Imp is no longer my brother, if he ever was.” – Cersei, AFFC A man stepped into the lantern light, and she saw his cloak was white. “Jaime?” I dreamt of one brother, but the other has come to wake me. – Cersei, AFFC

So, in conclusion, I find it plausible that George might have simply taken the narcissism, the violence and the “twin soul”/“other half” connection present in Wuthering Heights to it’s even more extreme by creating the chaotic mess that is the incestuous relationship between twins who are mirror images of each other... And there's a decent number of parallels to at least make a case for it!

Tag: @faintingheroine

[leasstories]

I Need You Here With Me

Eddie x gn !reader (Eddie is 21 and reader 23)

TW: Reader is insecure; mention of emotional abuse and neglect; past abuse/toxic relationships

WC: ≈2.2K

January 28th, 1988

You grew up in a really messed up household. Your dad was an alcoholic who always told you to act tough and your mom spent your life, until you decided to break off all ties with them. You were never good enough for her, and when your feelings got the best of you, your dad would blame you and call you a crybaby.

This childhood didn’t allow you to develop a self-esteem. You never feel confident and since you’ve been dating Eddie, you’ve never felt good enough for him. Another consequence of your troubled childhood is that you’ve been looking for love from anyone who could give it to you, and that’s how, before meeting Eddie, you’ve been in several toxic relationships. Relationships that broke you even more. When you’re dating someone, when you love someone, you’d do anything for them. That’s something that toxic people seemed to notice. And that’s how, before Eddie, you’ve had your fair share of abusive boyfriends and friends who took advantage of you.

Eddie and you met in January 1987, your boyfriend of the time was invited to the same New Year Party as Eddie and brought you along with him. You were his little “trophy” in public. In private though, you were his punching ball. Eddie found you on the owner’s house bathroom sobbing. He carefully approached you and asked you what happened. It was the first time ever that someone noticed that your life wasn’t perfect and so you literally did trauma dumping on him. Later, Eddie helped you break up with your boyfriend, protected you from him and offered you a place to stay.

A few months later, when you started healing from your past relationship, in March, Eddie and you started dating and officially became partner in April. But with your baggage, you don’t know how to navigate a healthy relationship, and you’re clingy. You’re conscious that you might be too clingy for Eddie. It isn’t healthy. But you don’t know how to love, you’ve never been loved before and no one taught you how to love properly. And you know you and your baggage might be a bit too much, especially since he is younger than you.

Don’t get us wrong here, Eddie has his own baggage. He has had a very difficult childhood and he experienced something in 1986 that gave him the physical and mental scars he has, but he never told you what happened. All you know is that he often wakes up screaming. But his baggage is easy to handle for you. All you want is to give him the world, protect him and be there for him 24/7.

Eddie is currently grocery shopping. Today, he went alone because he heard from a friend of his that your ex is back in town for the weekend which means he won’t let you go out of the weekend.

As soon as Eddie left, you tried reading your book, but you miss him too much, you can’t focus. You know that your boyfriend should be able to go grocery without you missing him. You know that. You also feel that you being clingy annoys Eddie, you’re afraid it’ll scare him away. You start overthinking and feeling insecure, thinking the real reason Eddie went grocery shopping alone was because he was fed up with you. You start imagining the worse scenarios, telling yourself that it is too good to be true. You can’t be with a man like Eddie Munson. You don’t deserve him. And how can he love you? How can you be loved? You wonder. You even go as far as to imagine that he might never come back from grocery shopping. You get stuck in your own head to the point that you don’t hear Eddie come back in the house.

“Baby?” Eddie asks.

You do not answer, you don’t even hear him.

“Baby?” Eddie says while entering the living room.

Eddie sees you, dissociated and sat on the couch, tears prickling at your eyeline.

He crouches down in front of you and take your hand in his, that’s when you notice his presence, you can’t help yourself and hug Eddie, what Eddie finds unusual, is that as soon as you realize what you did you leave Eddie’s arms and avoid his stare. Eddie caresses your knees, knowing that it is one of the things that reassures you the most. You still avoid his gaze and get up, not caring his hand is on your knee.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Eddie asks.

You turn to him, eyes shining with tears. “Am I too much?” you ask, voice trembling.

“Hey, hey, hey, look at me” Eddie tells you reassuringly.

You shake your head no, eyes glued to your feet.

“Hey baby, you are not too much…” Eddie softly tells you.

“Am I not enough?” You shyly ask.

“No!” Eddie says raising his voice, which makes you flinch.

When you flinch, Eddie takes a step back and looks at you apologetically, but you don’t see it, your eyes still fixed on your feet, tears running down your cheeks.

“I’m sorry baby, I shouldn’t have raised my voice… I’m so sorry.” Eddie is distraught by your sudden self-doubt. Eddie knows about your childhood and your past relationships, but you’ve never felt insecure with him, or at least you never voiced it. He doesn’t know how to handle the situation. He isn’t mad at you, he is mad at your parents, at your previous partners and friends who used you, mistreated you and made you feel unloved.

“’S fine” you say while sniffling. “’m sorry I upset you…” Now you feel even more like a burden, you’ve managed to upset the only person who showed you nothing but love.

“Hey, hey, stop that. You didn’t upset me love. It’s not you who upset me. It’s just the idea that your parents and past relationships broke you so much that you need to ask me such questions as if you are too much or not enough.” Eddie says, in a calmer tone.

“’m sorry” you say again, still sniffling.

“What are you sorry for honey?” Eddie asks, trying to be as comprehensive and patient as possible.

“’m too clingy and it might make you run away… I don’t know how to love Eddie… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry” you keep repeating.

Eddie takes a step toward you and when he sees you don’t flinch or move away, he put his hand on your cheek.

“Stop apologizing baby. Listen to what I have to say and don’t cut me off, can you do that for me.” Eddie kindly asks.

You nod, still sniffling, tears still running down your cheeks.

“Good, that’s good.” Eddie says. “You remember when we weren’t a couple. Every time you didn’t sleepover in my room, I found it hard to sleep and every time we are apart, there is a pain in my heart that won’t go away. You’re clingy? Maybe, but I love it and even if I could, I would change nothing about it. Trust le when I say that I love you the way you are. And I know you have trust issues, I know you have had a difficult past, but I want to help you see that you are loveable. I want you to see that I love you and that I’d never hurt, neglect, nor abandon you.” Eddie continues.

“I’m sorry for being such a crybaby…” you say while wiping your tears.

“You’re not a crybaby love, you are traumatized. You have to acknowledge that, and I’ll help you acknowledge it, I’ll help you heal from that, I promise to be here every step of the way.” Eddie tells you.

“I’m sorry for not knowing how to love properly…” you tell Eddie.

“None of that baby, you love me properly, of course you still have things to learn, but I feel loved by you. And you know my past with my family, you know about my High School years, not a lot of people loved me, but I’ve always felt it. And I feel it coming from you.” Eddie explains.

“Does that mean the fact that I’m telling you that I love you so many times a day is annoying? Suffocating?” you shyly ask.

“Baby, you’re always saying the words I want to say. It is not suffocating. You could tell me you love me every single second that I wouldn’t feel it suffocating.” Eddie reassures you.

“What about the excess of physical touch?” You ask, still insecure.

“Baby… I need you here with me, at all times. The closer the better.” Eddie tells you.

“But I’m clingy…” you repeat once again.

“And deep down, I’m as clingy as you, I just try to hide it.” Eddie tells you with nothing but love in his eyes.

“’m sorry for getting all worked up… I just missed you so much while you went grocery shopping that I imagined the worse scenarios possible. I got stuck in my own head.” You tell Eddie, ashamed.

“Don’t apologize baby. I know your past and I should have known what as wrong as soon as I arrived home and I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I know it’ll take time for you to realize that it is true, that we are made to last. If I need to repeat it every single day for the rest of my life I will.” Eddie tells you while caressing your cheek.

“Can I ask why?” you ask.

“Why what?” Eddie asks.

“Why did you talk to me at that New Years Party?” you ask, unsure.

“For three reasons: first one I found you so gorgeous. Second reason, I saw you were sad, I was actually looking for you and when I found you in the bathroom it wasn’t just a coincidence. Third reason: your boyfriend didn’t even acknowledge your sadness and he didn’t even look for you when you left so I thought someone had to.” Eddie earnestly answers.

“Thank you… thank you so much for everything you did for me Eds. I’m sorry I’m not a better partner…” You apologetically tell him. You need him to know how grateful you are to have him in your life.

“Thank you for allowing me to be your boyfriend, for allowing me to love you, for letting me help you. You’ve come so far since the first time we met. Yes, you are my insecure little baby, but you became stronger, you became happier. I want to make up for all the assholes who treated you badly in the past. I want to help you heal; I want to help you blossom.” Eddie says before softly kissing your lips. You kiss him back, putting your hand in his hair. You both make out until you can’t breathe and then reluctantly part. Eddie put a strand of hair behind your hear and smiles softly at you.

“So, do you still believe I’m gonna leave my little baby heal all alone?” Eddie asks.

“It might take time for me to fully believe it. But you reassured me a lot so thank you. Thank you for being so patient with me…” You tell Eddie.

“Baby, I’ll always be patient with you. I love you so so much. And now it’s my time to thank you. Thank you for trying your best every day. Thank you for accepting me how I am, with my qualities and my flaws. Thank you for being patient with me when I have a nightmare and for never asking about what happened to me in March of ’86. You’re the most respectful, loving and caring person I’ve ever known, and I fall with you even more every single day.” Eddie declares.

You start quietly sobbing in your hand, this time you’re not crying because of anxiety or pain, no, you’re crying because of Eddie’s speech, because of how much he loves you and how much you love him.

“’m sorry for being a crybaby…” you say once again.

Eddie hugs you and gently whisper in your ear. “You’re not a crybaby, you’re sensitive, there’s a difference. You’re allowed to cry and to let your emotions out. It’s healthy and normal baby.” Eddie says while caressing your back, still hugging you.

Once you part Eddie asks. “Will cuddling in bed make you feel even better?”.

As soon as you nod, Eddie throws you over his shoulder and walk to your shared bed. He lays you on the bed and joins you on the bed, opening his arms. You crawl towards him and put your head on his chest, listening to his heart beating. Eddie loves having you in his arms, as he already told you and will remind you for as long as you’re insecure, his love language is physical touch. If he could, Eddie would never part from you, he would stay in this bed, cuddling with you forever.

Eddie is the first ever person to make you feel loved, he is the first ever person to treat you with respect. He is the first partner to ever love you and treat you as his equal. You know it’s going to take time to fully believe it, but for the first time ever, you allow yourself to dream of an entire life with Eddie.

[dazzle02]

Buck and Maddie's relationship is one of the most interesting on the show to me personally.

She was nine, she lost her brother and gained a new one and suddenly she's not just an older sister, she's a parent too. She's nine years old and someone's Mother. While not being allowed to properly grieve the brother she just lost. Not even allowed to acknowledge his existence.

And of course she did the best she could, but she was a child raising another child. No parent has all the answers, but especially not a CHILD who never asked to have this put on them. So she of course got things wrong. One that really sticks out is her explanation about their parents worry when Evan falls off his bike. She kinda put the idea in his head that getting hurt is what will get him that love he craves from their parents. And that was NOT her fault. She was 12. And also living in this abusive household. But she was the one that gave him the idea to continue hurting himself to get attention. And there are likely other things that he learned from her that weren't actually healthy, due to her being a child trying to learn about the world herself.

And when she left for Boston, that would definitely feel like a parental abandonment for Evan due to her being the only parental figure he ever really had. But it WASN'T. It was a 19 year old moving out and going to School, which is what a lot of people that age tend to do. But to Evan, it would feel like the only parent he's ever known leaving him. And logically he'd know that's not the case. She's NOT his mother, she's his sister and she's supposed to live her life and she never asked to raise a child at such a young age. He was NOT her responsibility. But emotionally? That's the start of his abandonment issues.

And it's why Maddie can be kinda overbearing with him at times too. (Especially after the lightning strike...) It was ingrained in her from the age of nine that he's her kid and she has to take care of him. So as soon as she sees him suffering in any way, those instincts come back full force. She's gotta take care of him, make sure he's not going to die while she's not looking. AND make it clear she's not leaving him again.

They've had to figure out how to go from the relationship they had as kids where she was more a parent than a sister, to a new one now that they're adults where they're siblings.

And that's gotta be tough. And I would love more of a focus on that really. Just them still kinda adjusting to having to have this new dynamic. Because logically they both are aware that Maddie having to raise Buck was messed up and unfair for them both. But it's also just what's normal to them.

And any time someone comes for Maddie about not being a good sister it makes my blood boil. SHE DOES HER BEST! She was a child raising a child, and she's now an adult who went through abuse for pretty much her entire life! First the neglect from her parents (plus the parentification) and then her marriage to Doug for like 15 years! Of course she's not perfect. And as much as they both love each other, they ARE BOTH part of each others traumas. For Maddie a big trauma for her was having to raise him, and for Buck a big trauma for him was her leaving. And they've managed to work through that for the most part. It's always going to be there, they're both very defining for each of them. For Maddie having to become a parent at such a young age made her feel as though she couldn't be a very good one due to not being a perfect parent AS A CHILD. And for Buck, Maddie leaving was definitely the start of his abandonment issues. And neither of them are at fault for that, but they both have these issues that are directly tied to each other. It all comes back to their parents though. If they'd just done their jobs as parents, things would be so different.

Some of this may not make much sense as it is very hot here right now and I am not thinking right. But you get what I mean, hopefully. 🤣

I would also like to add to Supernatural fans, you can not claim Dean Winchester is just the best brother in the world for raising Sam and then turn around and claim Maddie is a terrible sister. Especially as Dean could be very abusive at times...